ALMOST HUMAN (1974) - Movie posters tried to pass this off as a monster film to an unsuspecting public upon its' initial U.S. release in 1979 due to the success of ALIEN. Actually it is a fairly engrossing crime caper from Umberto Lenzi, the director of MAKE THEM DIE SLOWLY and CITY OF THE WALKING DEAD. Guilio Sacchi (Tomas Milian) is a monster of the human kind, a petty criminal who decides to graduate to the big time by kidnapping the daughter of a wealthy Italian businessman. (The original title of this film was THE KIDNAPPING OF MARY LOU.) Guilio shows no emotion as he blows away anyone who gets in his way, friends included. One particular scene stands out: During the kidnap, Mary Lou (Anita Strindberg) escapes to a house where a small party is going on. Guilio and his cohorts crash the party and force the guests (men included) to perform oral sex on them. The guests are then tied up and hung from the ceiling as they watch in horror as Guilio blows away the homeowner's 4 year old son. Guilio then turns his machine gun on them, slaughtering the helpless victims. Walter Grandi (Henry Silva), the police chief assigned to the case, follows the trail of bodies left in Guilio's wake. Guilio may be demented, but he is no fool. He never leaves any witnesses to convict him, and when he collects the ransom, he kills Mary Lou and his cohorts. When Grandi finally catches him, Guilio is released for lack of evidence. Grandi, in desperation, decides to take the law in his own hands. As in real life, there are no happy endings here. This violent, mean-spirited actioner could have only been made by the Italians. It is well made (though badly dubbed) and ugly to look at. It's chock full of nudity and bullet hits. Good fodder for fans of the genre. I saw this around the same time THE GODFATHER PART III was released on video, and while ALMOST HUMAN (aka THE EXECUTIONER and THE DEATH DEALER) lacks the former's budget, I found it more riveting. A Prism Entertainment Release. Rated R.

AMERICAN COMMANDOS (1985) - A Filippino action film starring Christopher Mitchum (FINAL SCORE - 1987) and directed by Bobby A. Suarez (ONE ARMED EXECUTIONER - 1980)? I'm so there! When Dean Mitchell (Mitchum), a former Green Beret, is attacked in his store by drugged-out street gang, he shoots one of the gang members when he tries to run over Mitchell with his car. In retaliation, the gang invades Mitchell's house and rape his wife and kill his young son. Mitchell, upon returning home and finding his son dead and his wife bloody and bruised, calls the police (He says to the 911 operator, "They've killed my son and raped my wife and you want my phone number?"), not knowing that while he is on the phone his wife is in the bathroom slitting her throat with a straight razor. Mitchell goes on the warpath and begins to systematically hunting down and murdering all the members of the street gang (He even finds time to have a flashback, where he adopts a Filippino baby and marries the woman handling the adoption, which turn out to be his dead son and wife!). He eventually gets caught by the police, but an Interpol agent named Brady (Ken Metcalfe, who also co-wrote the screenplay) steps in and offers Mitchell a deal: Reform his old Special Forces squad and wipe out the Golden Triangle drug cartel (who are responsible for supplying the majority of heroin to the world) and his record will be wiped clean. Mitchell agrees and begins talking to all his former squad members, including Kelly (John Phillip Law), Creeper (Willie Williams) and Brutus (Robert Marius). The one former member Mitchell can't get to rejoin is Somsak (Franco Guerrero of ONE ARMED EXECUTIONER) and it becomes very clear to the audience why: He is the kingpin of the Golden Triangle. Somsak tries (unsuccessfully) on several occasions to stop the assault from ever happening, but once the final attack does happen, Somsak has one final ace up his sleeve. One of Mitchell's squad members is on Somsak's payroll. It's a long and bloody ride.  This is great, mindless fun from beginning to end, with plenty of bloody action and "What the fuck?" moments. I'm still reeling from the adoption/marriage proposal flashback by Mitchell (which seems way out of place in a film like this). Mitchell also has a habit of saying, "There's noting we can do for them now. We've got to keep moving!" after losing members of his squad. I'm especially fond of the warbus Mitchell and his men (and scantilly-clad women) created. It looks like one of those short buses retarded kids take to school, tricked-out with steel armor and hidden rocket launchers and machine guns. One scene shows Mitchum on a custom motorcycle (which fits neatly in the warbus) destroying a section of road behind them with rockets, forcing an enemy truck that is following them to fall down a ravine and explode in a ball of fire (note the one stuntman on the right falling down the ravine and tell me he didn't end up seriously hurt!). A mistake in the mastering of the tape repeats an entire reel of footage (where the scantilly-clad women get machine-gunned while working on the warbus), which adds five extra minutes to the running time. No matter, though. You'll be too engrossed in the insane action, plentiful shootouts and bloody deaths. There's also lots of female nudity in AMERICAN COMMANDOS to keep your eyes busy, too. What more could you possibly ask for? Both Christopher Mitchum and John Phillip Law are stiff as boards acting-wise, but they more than acquit themselves when they are beating the snot out of or gunning down the rest of the cast (including Franco Guerrero, who wears a striking white nehru jacket throughout most of the film). Bobby A. Suarez is fast becoming one of my favorite directors to come out of the Philippines. Originally known as HITMAN. Also starring Don Gordon Bell, David Brass, Kristine Erlandson and Nigel Hogge. A Lightning Video Release. Rated R.

ANGELFIST (1992) - Champion martial artist Kristie Lang (Sibel Birzag) catches the murder of an American soldier in Manila with her camera and calls the American Embassy to report what she saw. Before she can hand over the film to Embassy representative Victor Winslow (Joseph Zucchero), she is viciously slashed and stabbed to death by the same black-garbed people who murdered the American soldier. Luckily, she passed the film to a cabbie before she was killed, telling him to give it to a stripper friend of hers named Sulu. Kirstie's sister, L.A. cop Kat Lang (Cat Sassoon, who has the fattest lips this side of a spousal abuse victim), travels to Manila to investigate her sister's death, but it's strictly off the books. After losing her luggage and money immediately after setting foot in Manila (this film is not an endorsement for tourism), Kat meets conman Alcatraz (Michael Shaner; BLOODFIST - 1989), who knew Kristie and offers to help Kat find her murderer (he has ulterior motives, though, like getting into Kat's tight pants). He convinces Kat to take her sister's place in the upcoming big martial arts tournament, so he hooks her up with Kristie's trainer, Bayani (Roland Dantes), and tournament promoter Mr. Carrion (Tony Carrion), who's not quite what he seems to be. As Kat begins rising through the tournament ranks (and making Alcatraz a hefty sum on side bets), she slowly makes friends with fellow tournament fighter Lorda (Melissa Moore; ONE MAN ARMY - 1993), while Alcatraz gets closer to finding Kirstie's stripper friend Sulu. Kat discovers Kristie and Lorda were working undercover with the FBI to find out the identities of members of the Black Brigade, a militant group that wants to destroy the relationship between America and the Philippines. Kat gets into deep trouble when Lorda is kidnapped by the Black Brigade and they put Kat, along with visiting American Ambassador Franklin (Ken Metcalfe), at the top of their hit list. When Victor Winslow blackmails Alcatraz to keep Kat off the trail of the Black Brigade, Alcatraz finally gets to bed Kat and decides that she's too good to deceive. He finds Sulu, recovers the film and brings the proof to the American Embassy. Lorda escapes her captors, helps Kat save Ambassador Franklin's life and brings down the Black Brigade. The Philippines is safe once again for Americans, but please use caution when drinking the water.  This is director/producer Cirio H. Santiago's third time to the well telling the same story, starting with TNT JACKSON in 1975 and FIRECRACKER in 1981. The problem here is, Cat Sassoon (DANCE WITH DEATH -1991) is a terrible actress, although she has the best tits money can buy, not to mention plenty of nude scenes, including a topless fight in a bedroom that copies both TNT and FIRECRACKER. Cat, who was the daughter of hair care specialist Vidal Sassoon and sister of director Oley Sassoon (BLOODFIST III: FORCED TO FIGHT - 1993), died at age 32 of a heart attack (drugs were suspected but never confirmed) while attending a New Year's party to ring in 2002. ANGELFIST is not a very good film (the martial arts fights are clunky and badly-staged), but Santiago offers a ton of nudity (both Sassoon and Melissa Moore disrobe as much as possible and there are more communal shower scenes here than in most WIP films) and some truly demented sequences, such as when Black Brigade leader Cirio Quirino (Santiago regular Henry Strzalkowski) tortures Lorda in an icehouse by stripping off her blouse and pressing her naked breasts on a block of ice! This short, 80 minute, film is light on blood and gore (just a few stabbings in the beginning), has no gunfights and nothing explodes. One gets the feeling that Santiago was on cruise control here and was taking a break from his usual shoot-em-up actioners, but the sad fact was that Santiago would go on to direct a few of these modern-day martial arts flicks and would not go back to his mindless gunplay flicks. Too bad, because he was quite good at 'em. This is a lesser, latter-day entry from Santiago that can be avoided unless you like lots of nudity (Sassoon is well-oiled in all her full-frontal shots) and the sight of lips that can best be described as "distracting". Also starring Denise Buick, Jessica Roberts, Christina Portugal, Jim Moss, Bob Larson, Sheila Lintan, Ramon D'Salva and Ronald Asinas. Available on VHS and (fullscreen) DVD from New Horizons Home Video. Rated R.

ANGEL'S BRIGADE (1978) - A CHARLIE'S ANGELS rip-off with Jack Palance as the villian, cheezy disco songs, dancing, women in skimpy outfits and a guest star roster that includes Peter Lawford, Jim Backus, Alan Hale, Neville Brand, Pat Buttram and Arthur Godfrey as himself? How can you possibly go wrong? With Greydon Clark directing, producing and co-scripting (with Alvin L. Fast), it's quite easy, actually. When Las Vegas lounge singer Michelle Wilson (Susan Kiger) learrn from her manager, Manny (Hale), that her younger brother Bobby was beaten-up and hospitalized trying to steal drugs from kingpin Mike Farrell (Palance), she and friend April (Jacqulin Cole) form a squad of all-female vigilantes to destroy Farrell and his drug business. Each woman is an expert in their field. Terry Grant (Sylvia Anderson) is a black movie stuntwoman and expert driver. Kako Umaro (Lieu Chinh) is a black belt martial artist. Maria (Noela Velasco) is a beautiful model, whose looks will be used as a distraction to the bad guys. Elaine Brenner (Robin Greer) is a policewoman, who is secretly working with her boss, Captain Miller (Brand), to infiltrate the women's group and use the information to bust Farrell before the women get him. After stealing a van from a horny used car dealer (Buttram) and tricking it out with rocket launchers and other goodies, the women then steal a shitload of guns and ammunition from an even hornier gunrunner (Backus) and his comical crew of nimcompoops (one who looks and acts like Oliver Hardy!). The ladies kidnap Farrell's #1 street dealer, Sticks (Darby Hinton), and hang him upside down while Kako beats him about the nutsac with a metal pipe until he gives up the location of the latest drug drop. They steal the drugs and Elaine and the girls bring it to Captain Miller who, at first, is pissed at Elaine for spilling the beans to the girls, but soon sees the advantages of having non-police personnel doing his dirty work for him. The girls attack and destroy Farrell's drug processing plant but, in the fracas, Farrell kidnaps April and brings her to his boss, Mr. Burke's (Lawford) house, where they torture her in his swimming pool. The girls rescue her in the nick of time in a hail of bullets, some swordplay and a motorcycle stunt. Farrell is attacked and killed by a pack of dogs (!) and Burke is shot and drowns in his own pool. Hooray for women power!  The main problem with this film is that it's played like a broad comedy, but it's not funny at all. Director Greydon Clark (THE BAD BUNCH - 1976; THE RETURN - 1980; DARK FUTURE - 1994) also forgot what makes an exploitation film exploitable: Namely, nudity, bloody violence and action. Unfortunately, ANGEL'S BRIGADE (Shouldn't it be ANGELS' BRIGADE since there's no one named "Angel" in this film? Oh, well, I'm nitpicking.) contains none of those, as it is a PG-rated family-friendly mess. Whenever someone is punched or hit over the head, cartoon sound effects are heard, like birds chirping or a "boiiinggg!" sound. This is the type of film where instead of killing Sticks after beating the info out of him, the girls set him free after he promises to go straight! Nevermind that he hooked Michelle's young brother on drugs or is known as the city's biggest street pusher, the girls take him at his word and send him on his way. In all fairness, he dies a short time later when he falls off a tenement roof trying to escape from Farrell. The music soundtrack is a second-rate knock-off of the CHARLIE'S ANGELS theme and the action scenes look like they were filmed on the first take, as they have that rough, badly-staged feel. Some of the women look very uncomfortable holding and firing weapons (it's apparent Clark just handed them weapons and yelled out "Fire!" without any practice beforehand) and, while there are some decent stunts and explosions during the attack on the processing plant, it all looks rather rushed. The film does have some camp value thanks to the eclectic cast of has-beens and fringe stars, but both Jack Palance and Peter Lawford look like they would rather be any place besides here. The women do look good in bikinis and tight fitting jumpsuits, but when we watch films like this, we want to see what's underneath those outfits. ANGEL'S BRIGADE is nothing but an inoffensive theatrical film that could play on TV with no edits. What's the point? Also starring Liza Greer as Trish, the underage would-be member of the female gang who saves all their lives in the finale. Director Clark cameos as a (what else?) movie director and Arthur Godfrey cameos as himself, who the audience at Michelle's Vegas act treat like the second coming of Elvis Presley. Also starring Ken Minyard, Ralph Harris and Cody Palance, Jack's son, who died in 1998 at age 42 of cancer. Originally released on VHS by Vestron Video and then by Warner Home Video. It was given the MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 treatment (under the title ANGELS REVENGE) from Rhino Video on VHS & DVD. Rated PG.

THE ANNIHILATORS (1985) - This is one of those action films where a Vietnam vet comes home only to find out his home town is being terrorized by (choose one or mix-and-match): 1) A Street Gang; 2) A Motorcycle Gang; 3) Organized Crime; 4) Drug Dealers. Joe Nace (Dennis Redfield) returns from the war in a wheelchair and works at his father's grocery store. A vicious street gang, led by Roy Boy (Paul Koslo), comes into the store demanding protection money and, when Joe refuses, they kill a female customer with a knife to her stomach (after ripping her blouse off) and beat Joe over the head repeatedly with a meat hammer, tenderizing his skull and killing him. Joe's squad leader, Bill (Christopher Stone), comes for the funeral and stays after hearing the pleas of help from Joe's father (Sid Conrad). After calling Popeye, his mysterious and unseen superior, Bill gets his old squad together to teach the townspeople how to defend themselves and to kick some gang ass. Everything goes well at first, as the townspeople begin fighting back and reclaim their town. Lt. Hawkins (Jim Antonio) is not too pleased that the squad is in his town practicing vigilante justice, but the police commishioner (Bruce Taylor) is pleased with the results and tells Hawkins to lay off. During a shootout in the middle of town, one of the squad members, Ray (Gerrit Graham), is shot in the back protecting a small child and is killed. Bill discovers that the gang is merely a front for a bigger drug running operation and, when the squad intercepts one of the drug shipments, the shit hits the fan. The shipment turns out to be millions of dollars worth of heroin and Roy Boy (armed with a flame thrower) calls in backup of his own and holds the entire town hostage until he gets his drugs back. Bill, Garrett (Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs) and Woody (Andy Wood), along with the entire town, band together to fight the gang. Things go bad when Roy Boy hijacks a schoolbus full of kids. In a surprising turn of events, the kids disarm the hijackers (one kid jams a pencil into one of the gang member's neck) and Bill has a final fight with Roy Boy on the roof of a building. It is then we learn the identity of the mysterious Popeye and how he was secretly helping the squad all along. This is standard 80's action fare elevated slightly by a few well-executed setpieces and some extreme bits of violence. Director Charles E. Sellier Jr. (SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT - 1984) offers plenty of explosions, gunfights, stabbings, impalements, fistfights and other violence to keep your mind off the one dimensional characters and generic plot. Paul Koslo, a genre vet who excels at playing bad guys (MANIAC! - 1977; ROBOT JOX - 1990) is wasted here, as all he does is bark orders and fire weapons. He does have the best line in the film, though, when he says to Bill, "All this for a shitty little cripple?" before falling to his death on the roof of a burning car. The late Christopher Stone (THE HOWLING - 1980; CUJO - 1983) is likewise given the thankless task of spitting out orders or firing a gun. The only actor who registers is Andy Wood as Woody, the alcoholic squad member who finds redemption, sobriety and love in this little town. Consider THE ANNIHILATORS brain-dead action fare for those with short attention spans. Also starring Millie Fisher, Bruce Evers and Tom Harper. A New World Video Release. Rated R.

BATTLE RATS (1989) - When a platoon of American soldiers are ambushed on the side of the road by a group of young Vietnamese school children (one little tot threatens the soldiers with a hand grenade!), Captain Rosenblatt (Corwyn Paul Sperry) orders his men to slaughter an entire village of Vietnamese men, women and children when they do not tell him the whereabouts of the person in charge of the ambush, who disappeared in the maze of underground tunnels located underneath the jungle. Rosenblatt trains a squad of soldiers to become "tunnel rats", a special force designed to crawl through the tunnels and kill the enemy. In charge of the squad is Sgt. Bruce Burns (Jack Gilbert) and it is his duty to lead his men into the tunnels and capture or kill Commander Von Dram (Louie Katana), who is responsible for most of the ambushes in the area. After a short period of time, where we are introduced to the members of the squad (which also includes a prerequisite bar fight just before shipping off), our tunnel rats get down to business. They enter the first tunnel, where they are attacked by snakes, dismantle some wired boobytraps, are attacked by bats and one squad member is captured and tortured by Von Dram (The soldier says to him, "Fuck you, you slimy goddamned stinking gook!", just before Von Dram pokes his eyes out with his fingers!). Sgt. Burns begins a love affair with VC girl Nama (Mylene Nocum), not knowing that she is a spy for Von Dram. The tunnel rats then raid another village and find another tunnel, which results in the death of some members due to spiked boobytraps, a snake pit and VC ambushes (the rest of the squad members get Purple Hearts, even though they weren't injured!). Sgt. Burns stupidly tells his new gook girlfriend that he and his men will be raiding another tunnel in the morning, so, you guessed it, Von Dram and his men are waiting in ambush. Captain Rosenblatt shoots Von Dram multiple times at close range (while comically repeating, "Fuck you, old man!" over and over), but Von Dram is wearing a bulletproof vest and stabs the Captain several times. Sgt. Burns and his skeleton crew must then blow up the tunnel (it's the VC's main communications base) before they are killed and Von Dram escapes. While the acting in BATTLE RATS is some of the worst and stiffest I have seen in recent memory (I was howling with laughter throughout the entire film), the violence is so over-the-top, it makes watching this almost seem like you are having a fever dream. This Philippines-lensed action film, directed by Benjamin Bridges (using his "Briggs Benjamin Sr." pseudonym), is full of so much bloody imagery, the acting can be forgiven. People (including women and children) are shot in the head, stabbed, impaled or blown apart. The eye-gouging scene is (pardon the pun) an eye-opener as are most of the tunnel scenes where the VC pop-out of their hidden trap doors in the floors, walls and ceilings and silently slice up the cast with their knives. The subplot involving Sgt. Burns falling in love with Nama is the only real negative part of the film, as the action stops dead in it's tracks while these two non-actors try to convince us they are in love. They fail miserably. The finale, which finds Sgt. Burns facing Nama and Von Dram in the tunnels is one of the most pathetic pieces of acting you will ever see. It is only saved when he happens upon Captain Rosenblatt, who is hanging by his arms with his eyes dangling out of their sockets, as he pleads over and over to Burns, "Shoot me!" (which he finally does). But hey, the bodycount is high, the deaths bloody and the action fast-paced. What more could you want? When it comes to Grade B action films, nothing comes close to the ones made in the Philippines and Indonesia. Why? Because there are no rules or taboos that they aren't willing to break. Also starring Tony Lao, Paul John, Albert Dominguez, David Giberson, Eric Hann and Chris Castilleios. Never legally available on home video in the U.S., the print I viewed came from a surprisingly good dub of a Greek-subtitled VHS ripped to DVD-R. Not Rated.

BEHIND ENEMY LINES (1987) - Lieutenant Johnny Ransom (Robert Patrick; THE MARINE - 2006) leads his squad of soldiers deep into enemy territory during the Vietnam War. Their mission: To find American POWs and bring them back alive. After capturing a gook soldier and "questioning" him (by sticking a live grenade in his mouth), they head to an enemy camp where four American POWs are being held. It turns out to be a trap, as Lt. Ransom and his men are outgunned, overpowered and forced to surrender. The head of the camp, Tran Van Minh (scripter Joe Mari Avellana), and Russian advisor Dimitri (Robert Dryer; SAVAGE STREETS - 1984), then shoot the four American POWs point-blank in front of Ransom and his men. After a short sequence where everyone but Ransom, Jacobs (William Steis) and Keller (Morgan Douglas) are tortured and killed, Ransom escapse, leaving Jacobs and Keller behind. When Ransom gets back to base camp, he finds out that the Paris Accord has been signed, effectively ending the war. Ransom and fellow soldier Sam (Rey Malanzo; CLASSIFIED OPERATION - 1985) grab some soldiers, hop in a helicopter and assault the enemy camp, rescuing Jacobs and Keller and killing Tran Van Minh. Dimitri gets away and Ransom is seriously injured and is sent to a military hospital in Thailand, where he is tended to by old flame Terry (Barbara Hooper). Meanwhile, Sam is assigned to escort an important enemy General back to base camp. The General has switched sides and is willing to turn over a secret codebook to the Americans that contains the names of American double agents. Dimitri has other plans, though, and ambushes Sam's squad, taking Sam and the General prisoner and killing everyone else. After getting a little nookie from Terry, Lt. Ransom heads out to rescue Sam and the General, aided by Captain Dupre (Lydie Denier) and her squad of French resistance fighters, as well as Jacobs and Keller, who have a score to settle with Dimitri. They all manage to save the General and kill Dimitri (unfortunately, Sam is long-dead, hanging upside down from a tree and being eaten by rats). Keller even finds the time to romance Capt. Dupre, but when Ransom gets back to headquarters and the codebook is deciphered, he discovers that someone close to him is a traitor, which forces him to seek justice through the barrel of a gun. I didn't see that coming.  This is the second of Filipino director Cirio H. Santiago's Vietnam War action flicks that he made in the 80's. Robert Patrick reprises the same role he portrayed in Santiago's first Nam film, EYE OF THE EAGLE (1987), only this time it's a starring role rather than a secondary character, as he was in EYE. Patrick, who got his start in other Santiago-directed films like EQUALIZER 2000 and FUTURE HUNTERS (both 1986), still comes off as too over-animated, yelling out his lines rather than speaking them. It would take him a few more years to find his acting groove (his breakout role in TERMINATOR 2 [1991] was basically a non-speaking role) and he would also make his mark on TV in such series as THE X-FILES and THE UNIT. Santiago offers his usual cornucopia of action set-pieces, including lots of gunfights, explosions and bloody bullet squibs. There are also some brief nude scenes, a smattering of gore (shots to the head; Sam being eaten by rats) and a good helicopter explosion (this one isn't a model). Frequent Santiago collaborator Joe Mari Avellana's script is nothing special, but the acting by a cast of Santiago regulars makes it all bearable. The stinger at the end was also a nice touch and totally unexpected. My appreciation of Santiago as a director increases every time I watch another film of his. The majority of his films may be nothing more than rip-offs of other movies, but he is a professional and is capable of turning out compact (the majority of his films run 85 minutes or less), entertaining time-wasters. Also known as KILLER INSTINCT. The next film in Santiago's Nam actioners is THE EXPENDABLES (1988), followed by NAM ANGELS (1988). Also starring Anthony East, Henry Strzalkowski, David Light, Mel Davidson, Willy Williams and Jeff Griffith. Released on VHS by Media Home Entertainment and not yet available on DVD. Rated R.

BLACK GUNN (1972) - Three guys with white burlap sacks over their heads rob a Mob-run bookie operation and steal all the money, as well as the "payoff books" belonging to mobster (and used car salesman) Mr. Capelli (Martin Landau). One of the guys is shot dead while escaping and one of the surviving trio is Scott Gunn (Herb Jefferson Jr.), the brother of the single-monikered Gunn (Jim Brown), who owns a popular nightclub called Gunn's Club. Scott belongs to a militant organization called the Black Action Group (BAG) and he plans to use the stolen money to buy guns for his group so they can kill more rich white crackers. Mr. Capelli is more interested in getting the books back, so he hires sadistic Mob muscle Ray Kriley (the always entertaining Bruce Glover) to find out who stole them and retrieve them by any means possible, including death. Scott give the books to his brother , who knows how important they really are. Kriley tears apart Watts looking for the guilty parties, raiding BAG headquarters and threatening the life of the young son of one of the members in exchange for the names of the people involved in the bookie caper. When Capelli catches wind that Gunn is involved, he sends crooked Senator Adams (Gary Conway) to try to appeal to Gunn's business sense, but Gunn sends the Senator packing to "the other side of the tracks". Sensing that he's using the wrong tactics, Capelli then sends Toni (Luciana Paluzzi) to try to appeal to Gunn's fondness for women (and we all know how much Jim Brown likes his white women). Surprisingly, Gunn is able to resist her charms since he already has a main squeeze, Judith (Brenda Sykes), but Kriley crashes the party and a shootout occurs. Gunn gets the drop on Kriley and sends him packing, too. Kriley, in turn, kills Scott and leaves his body in front of Gunn's nightclub. Bad move. Gunn is now on a mission to get all those responsible for his brother's death, including the person who supplied Scott's name to Capelli. Gunn reluctantly joins forces with BAG leader Seth (Bernie Casey) and begins a path of death and destruction, which includes a one-on-one with Kriley in his mother's home, a visit to a party hosted by Senator Adams (where Toni shows her true colors) and a finale where Gunn and BAG battle Capelli and his men in a warehouse.  This early 70's blaxploitation film, directed by Englishman Robert Hartford-Davis (THE BLACK TORMENT - 1964; CORRUPTION - 1968; THE FIEND - 1972; THE TAKE - 1974), is a leisurely-paced actioner filled with a ton of great character actors, including Bruce Glover (NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW - 1995), Gary Conway (I WAS A TEENAGE FRANKENSTEIN - 1957), William Campbell (DEMENTIA 13 - 1963), Bernie Casey (DR. BLACK MR. HYDE - 1975), Timothy Brown (THE MURDER GANG - 1976), Brenda Sykes (HONKY - 1971) and, of course, Martin Landau, who had a second career appearing in B-films like this and Greydon Clark's WITHOUT WARNING (1980) before getting a career resurgence for his role in TUCKER: A MAN AND HIS DREAM (1988) and then winning an Academy Award for his portrayal of Bela Lugosi in Tim Burton's ED WOOD (1994). Jim Brown, who was one of the kings of blaxploitation cinema (SLAUGHTER - 1972; SLAUGHTER'S BIG RIP-OFF - 1973), THREE THE HARD WAY - 1974, and a few others), does here what he does best: Basically, just acts like himself and beats up all the white people he can get his hands on. His fight with Bruce Glover is one of this film's highlights, even if it's obvious Glover is being doubled in some of the more strenuous stunts. Some may find that this film is too slow, but there's a lot to enjoy here, from the black cop who can't stand Gunn's ass (his white partner is actually the nicer and more level-headed of the two!); the bullet squibs that gush blood in the gunfight scenes; to the blood-soaked shootout finale in the warehouse. This isn't by far the most action-packed blaxploitation film you'll ever see, but it is a well-plotted and interesting one. I remember watching BLACK GUNN on late-night TV in the mid-70's and hearing the word "fuck" sneak past the censor's scissors. Every time it was shown after that, I would watch it just to see if they caught their mistake. They did. Also starring Vida Blue, Stephen McNally, Keefe Brasselle, Chuck Daniel, Tony Young, a bit part by Jeannie Bell (TNT JACKSON - 1975) and a cameo by football player Deacon Jones as himself. Available on DVD in a nice widescreen print from Columbia Tristar Home Entertainment. Rated R.

THE BLACK SIX (1974) - Lousy blaxploitation flick that is short on action and long on racist and hip 70's dialog. Six "peace-loving" Vietnam vet bikers (played by real life ex-football players, including Gene Washington, "Mean" Joe Greene and Mercury Morris) travel across the U.S. in search of themselves. When Washington receives a letter from his mother telling him that his brother has been killed, he decides to return home to "cracker country" with his buddies to "peacefully" find the killer (To show how peaceful they are, the Black Six totally destroy a racist bar enroute to Mama's house. They don't harm the people, just wreck the building!). At his mother's house, Washington runs into some friction with his sister, Cissy (Ruby Delaware). She calls him a "modern-day Uncle Tom" because of his pacifist ways. Washington discovers that his brother had a white girlfriend and that her brother (Mikel Angel, co-director of THE LOVE BUTCHER) belongs to an all white biker gang. Figuring that this gang is responsible for his brother's death, he takes the information to the police. The white police chief was already aware of the facts but refuses to arrest the white bikers. The Black Six decide to drop their peaceful ways and have a final confrontation with the racist gang, led by Thor (Ben Davidson). A final scrawl on the screen warns, "Watch Out Honkys. If You Don't Mend Your Ways, The Black Six Will Return!"  Thankfully, they never did.  As biker films go, THE BLACK SIX is one of the worst. The very brief action scenes are clumsily staged and shot and the ending is oh so confusing. There is one brief shot of nudity, when Washington catches his ex-girlfriend (Rosalind Miles) hooking with a white customer. On the plus side, the six leads are given very little dialog, saving us from wincing aural pain. This film makes WEREWOLVES ON WHEELS look absolutely polished. Director Matt Cimber (real name: Matteo Ottaviano) has been making exploitation films for a long time, starting with Jayne Mansfield's last role in SINGLE ROOM FURNISHED (1968). He is also responsible for MAN AND WIFE (1969 - considered the first theatrical hardcore porn film), CANDY TANGERINE MAN (1975), LADY COCOA (aka POP GOES THE WEASEL - 1975), THE WITCH WHO CAME FROM THE SEA (1976 - his best film), TIME TO DIE (1983), YELLOW HAIR AND THE FORTRESS OF GOLD (1984), HUNDRA (1985), the Pia Zadora howlers BUTTERFLY and FAKE OUT (both 1982) as well as many others. A Unicorn Video Release. Rated R.

CHALLENGE (1973) - You have to love a film that puts a disclaimer at the beginning of the film saying that they purposely made a film with no nudity, sexuality or bad language so that it is family-friendly. Don't you believe it! While that statement is basically true, there's enough violence (which they thankfully left out of the disclaimer) on view here to make action fans happy. Senate candidate John Frank Challenge (producer Earl Owensby) is about to hand over incriminating documents to the State Crime Commission, which doesn't sit too well with local crime boss and businessman Mr. Guthrie (screenwriter William T. Hicks). He hires three assassins (including one who's a martial arts instructor) to kill Challenge, get the documents and also get a second set which he has hidden at home. The assassins beat the snot out of Challenge, steal the first set of documents and leave Challenge bleeding (but not dead) and unconscious in a motel parking lot. They then go to Challenge's house and accidentally knock out Challenge's wife (Katheryn Thompson). Unable to find the second set of documents, they burn down the house, killing Challenge's wife and young daughter. Challenge is rushed to the hospital and, after learning of his family's death, vows revenge on those responsible. From here on, it's WALKING TALL time, as Challenge takes on everyone by himself. One-by-one, Challenge kills those responsible (one involves a sharpened belt buckle!), until he meets Mr. Guthrie for a final showdown.  I think what makes this different from most revenge flicks is that Challenge gets revenge without actually killing anyone. They basically kill themselves, but not without a little push from Challenge. One crashes his car and it explodes (trying to get away from Challenge). Another flies his plane into a forest (after running out of fuel). Still another crashes through a window and falls to his death (after missing a flying kick aimed at Challenge). Finally, Mr. Guthrie drops dead of a heart attack running away from Challenge (who fires his shotgun into the air, basically scaring Guthrie to death). Earl Owensby (this is his first film, both as actor and producer), who was never accused of being a good actor, made a career of churning out these little regional actioners from his Shelby, North Carolina production facility and they were very popular in the South. He apparently knew his limitations as an actor, as his roles gave him minimal dialogue (in one film, 1976's DARK SUNDAY, he plays a mute preacher out for revenge!), giving the other actors the lion's share of the lines. After the films opening disclaimer, it was unnerving to view Owensby's plentiful back hair (apparently, that's family-friendly). Truth be told, I would rather see nudity. Director Martin Beck handles the action rather proficiently, offering us a long car chase through the back streets of Shelby, a prop plane chase and some other nice set pieces. The only thing that drags is the cheesy country ballad/flashback that comes two-thirds into the film. CHALLENGE spawned a sequel the next year, MANHUNTER, which further tells the exploits of Frank Challenge and his vendetta against organized crime. Ignore the info on IMDB that says that they are both the same film (they even mix and match the credits) as it is just plain wrong. Other Owensby films include: DEATH DRIVER (1977), BUCKSTONE COUNTY PRISON (1978), WOLFMAN (1979) A DAY OF JUDGMENT (1981) and DOGS OF HELL (1982). Also starring Johnny Popwell, Garland Atkins, Laurens Moore and Dave Adams. A VCL Home Video Release. Rated PG.

CHANCE (1990) - Detective Jon Chance (Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs) is suspended from the force after an unfortunate incident where he kills three crooks and blows up their car, causing $30,000 in damages. Zach (Dan Haggerty), an ex-cop and recovering alcoholic (not really, as he is still secretly drinking) and now a repo man  (he played basically the same character in REPO JAKE - 1990), repossesses a car with stolen diamonds in the trunk. The diamond thieves want their booty back, as does the mob boss they stole them from. Zach and Chance join forces when one of the thieves tries to kill Zach and they try to discover who actually has possession of the diamonds. That's the whole plot, folks. Toss in numerous gun fights, car chases and dialogue like. "I'm just trippin' without my luggage" or "Are you a cop?" "Not this week.", and you've got your typical early PM (Richard Pepin/Joseph Merhi) Entertainment action film, made before they learned how to film an exciting action flick. The fact that it took two people to direct this, Charles T. Kanganis (who also acts in this using the name "Charlie Ganis") and Addison Randall (who also co-wrote the script and has a role as a jerkoff cop who gets a bullet in his brainpan), is an early indicator that this film is in trouble. The action scenes are lame, the fight scenes badly staged and the acting is pretty poor. Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, who gained semi fame as Freddie "Boom-Boom" Washington on TV's WELCOME BACK KOTTER, was a popular PM player during the late 80's to the early 90's.This is Hilton-Jacob's fourth appearance as Detective Jon Chance. He previously played the same character in L.A. HEAT (1988), L.A. VICE (1989) and ANGELS OF THE CITY (1989, which he also directed) as well as starring as other characters in EAST L.A. WARRIORS (1989) and QUIET FIRE (1991, which he also directed). After appearing as the cruel father Joe Jackson in a TV docudrama about the Jackson Five, Hilton-Jacobs guest-starred in a lot of episodic TV and recently appeared in the horror film SUBLIME (2006) as "Mandingo". What can I say about Dan Haggerty (who also was an Associate Producer on this) that I haven't already complained about in other reviews? If you've seen him in one film, you've seen him in all his films. He wears the same expression on his face in all his roles. It looks as if he's squeezing a twelve foot turd out his ass and he has the emotional range of a hard boiled egg (and I get the distinct impression that the booze he drinks in all his roles is real). How he keeps getting work is beyond me. CHANCE has a lot of bullet squibs (a PM trademark), some fine female nudity and a couple of good stunts (but, surprisingly, no scene of a car flipping through the air in slow-motion, another PM trademark), but unless you need a really bad action fix and you can't find anything better to watch, this film can be skipped. For PM Entertainment completists only. My friend William Wilson keeps sending me these Dan Haggerty disasters because he knows that I have no choice but to review them. He knows that I am still looking for a good Dan Haggerty film when we all know that there's no such thing. William Wilson is a bastard who should have other people start his car from now on. Payback is a bitch. Also starring Roger Rodd, Richard Allen, Robert Axelrod, Gold and Michael McNabe. A PM Entertainment Release. Rated R.

COBRA MISSION 2 (1988) - In this sequel to COBRA MISSION (1985; known in the United States as OPERATION NAM), the U.S. government sends ex-soldier Roger Parker (Brett Clark; ALIEN WARRIOR - 1985; EYE OF THE EAGLE - 1987) to some unnamed Central American country to assassinate evil dictator Garcia (Jose Guerra). Roger doesn't trust the government very much because, years before, he and some other soldiers went to Vietnam on their own to rescue some American POWs and when they returned to the States, the government killed nearly everyone involved in the mission (This is the only connection to the first film). With the help of his old Commanding Officer, Roger was able to avoid being killed by changing his identity and living in anonymity. Nothing lasts forever, though, as Roger now finds himself paying back his old C.O.'s favor by going to Central America, where he joins forces with freedom fighters Gabriel (Jeff Moldovan; MASTERBLASTER - 1986; HAMMERHEAD - 1987) and Marisol (Julie M. Carlo). When they sneak into Garcia's compound and find he is not there, it's obvious that there's a traitor within their ranks. Gabriel thinks it's Marisol and shoots her point-blank in the stomach after ripping open blouse and discovering that her breasts aren't disfigured (She previously had stated that Garcia's men scarred her breasts in a torture session years before, which is a reverse take-off on a truly disturbing scene in the first film). When Rafael (Cesar Olmo), the leader of the freedom fighters, is captured and tortured by Garcia and his minions, Roger, Gabriel and a select few freedom fighters attempt to rescue him, even though the American government has called off the assassination and wants Roger to return to the States. Even though they manage to rescue Rafael, the rescue attempt turns out to be a trap and only Roger, Gabriel and Rafael escape with their lives. When the real traitor tips his hand, Roger kills him, but soon finds out that his entire mission was a setup conducted by Garcia to flush out the freedom fighters and kill them. Roger still has a trick or two up his sleeve and Garcia pays for his treachery with his life.  This is nowhere near as good or nihilistic as the first film. Gone is the majority of the anti-American bias that made the first film so memorable and in it's place is a lukewarm "guess who the traitor is" plot that is so easy to solve, it's ridiculous. There's not much to recommend here, as director Camillo Teti (NAVIGATORS OF THE SPACE - 1993), using the pseudonym "Mark Davis", offers nothing meaty for the viewer to bite into. The action scenes are statically filmed and are infrequent (When they do come, it's just the standard firing of guns and a few bloody bullet squibs and explosions. There's nothing here remotely extraordinary or awe-inspiring.). Equally annoying are the dubbed voices used for both Brett Clark and Jeff Moldovan, who both have real voices that are distinct and identifiable. Worst of all, the film is simply boring, with it's generic plot and much-too talky script (screenplay by Gianfranco Clerici and Vincenzo Mannino, who both wrote the screenplays for the equally bad MIAMI HORROR [1985] and the pretty decent PHANTOM OF DEATH [1987]). The finale is especially frustrating, as we expect Roger to get even with his Commanding Officer when he returns to the States. Instead, he returns to Miami (where the entire film was lensed), gets into a limousine with his C.O. and agrees to move to Nevada using a new alias! What a crock of shit. Don't waste you time with this one, folks. Fabrizio DeAngelis, the director of the first film, was the Producer here. Also starring Franklin Dominguez (RAIDERS OF THE MAGIC IVORY - 1988), Aida M. Selman, Willy Nunez, Charles Rack and Thomas Irving. This film never had a legitimate U.S. home video release, although an Italian DVD is available. The print I viewed was sourced from a Greek-subtitled VHS tape. Not Rated.

CODE NAME: ZEBRA (1986) - Pretty good in-name-only sequel to 1976's ZEBRA FORCE, both directed by Joe Tornatore. When Carmine Longo (Mike Lane) is released from prison after a lengthy stay, he goes after the people who put him there. After their friend Jim is killed by Longo, Frank Barnes (Jim Mitchum) and Remy Larson (Dennis Rucker) are questioned by the police (George "Buck" Flower plays one of the detectives and has a fairly good role) and released. Larson reforms his old Vietnam War group, The Zebra Force, which consists of people that Longo is killing. Barnes joins the force to avenge Jim's death and meets member Jim Bob Cougar (Timothy Brown), the only other member of The Zebra Force still left alive. Barnes, Larson and Cougar are ambushed by Longo at their friend's funeral and Larson is killed. Longo becomes a loose cannon, much to the dismay of local crime lord Voce (Joe Donte), who is losing too many of his men who are assisting Longo in fulfilling his revenge.  Barnes and Cougar kidnap Crazy Danny (Charles Dierkop), a Voce associate, and pump him for info on Longo's plans. Barnes and Cougar then go on a systematic tour of destruction, killing two goons by oversweating them in a sauna and hiring some merceneries (which includes Robert Z'Dar) to help them. They then rob Voce's personal armoury to get the weapons they need to get their revenge. Longo puts pressure on mob lawyer Kozlo (Frank Sinatra Jr., who's surprisingly good) to locate Crazy Danny and find out what he told Barnes and Cougar. It's not long before all hell breaks loose as bullets fly, people die and Barnes faces a personal problem which involves his girlfriend Julie (Deana Jurgens). This film contains a cast that is full of B-movie staples. Besides the people already mentioned, there's Lindsay Crosby, Robert Dryer (SAVAGE STREETS - 1984), Chuck Morrell and Tornatore associate Mike Angel (THE LOVE BUTCHER - 1975). Director Tornatore fills the film with plenty of explosions, car chases, stunts and other bloodshed, some of it filmed with Tornatore's patented Peckinpah-like slow-motion photography. Jim Mitchum (HOLLYWOOD COP - 1986) is just as good and actor as brother Chris Mitchum (FINAL SCORE - 1986), but that's not saying much. He spends most of his time running around firing weapons, so acting takes a back seat here. This film doesn't have the demented charm of ZEBRA FORCE, but Tornatore infuses enough B-level action to make this worth a night's rental. WARNING: If you pick up the Platinum Productions DVD of this film, you will actually get a poorly-mastered version of ZEBRA FORCE. Those wily bastards have the cast credits and plot correct on the DVD sleeve, they just put the wrong film on the DVD. The only way you are going to see this film in any form in the U.S. (at least at the time of this writing), is to find the Trans World Entertainment VHS Release. Rated R.

COMMANDO INVASION (1986) - Action-packed, but brainless, Filipino actioner set during the Vietnam War. The prologue shows a French army convoy being ambushed by the Vietcong in 1950. They kill all the French soldiers and steal millions of dollars in art, important documents and diamonds that the convoy was transporting. Flash-forward fifteen years and a group of American commandos are raiding a secret underground tunnel that is the headquarters for VC General Diap (Ken Watanabe). After killing all the VC in the tunnel and capturing General Diap, the leader of the commandos, Captain Brady (Michael James), calls for a pick-up but, for reasons unknown until much later, some of the squad members point their weapons at Captain Brady. When back-up finally arrives, they find all of Brady's men shot dead and Brady lying unconscious with a fistful of diamonds in his hands. Brady is brought to court martial, but is given five days to bring General Diap back to prove his innocence. Brady joins a group of VC freedom fighters in his search for Diap and even recruits a VC nurse, Akina (Carol Roberts), to help get into Diap's compound (she's Diap's mistress). She manages to walk through the compound unnoticed and leads Brady right to Diap, where he takes him prisoner for a second time. As they are leaving the compound, a welcoming committee is waiting and they must fight their way out. When Brady asks Diap why he killed his men, Diap says, "Do I know you?", which makes Brady look like a liar in the eyes of Captain Terryl (Pat Vance), who was sent with Brady on his quest (and whose brother was killed in the first raid). Brady and his men are ambushed as they turn every corner, as if someone doesn't want him to make it back. Could it be the mysterious General McMoreland (Gordon Mitchell), who may know more than he is letting on? A squad of French soldiers also want Diap because they think he knows the location of the treasure stolen fifteen years earlier. After saving each other's hides a couple of times, the French forge an uneasy alliance with Brady and agree to take possession of Diap only after he testifies at Brady's court martial. That's easier said than done, as making it to the trial will be no easy task. Diap keeps bribing the soldiers with diamonds to let him escape and Brady must then decide whether to kill Diap or bring him back for the trial. If you ask me, the only good gook is a dead gook.  Though not as wild and insane as a lot of these Philippines-lensed actioners, director Jun Gallardo (RESCUE TEAM - 1983; SFX RETALIATOR - 1987), using his "John Gale" pseudonym, injects enough action and crazy dialogue to make it worth at least one viewing. There's enough double and triple crosses here for ten films and the violence, while not particularly bloody, comes fast and frequently. The dialogue consists of macho lines, like this exchange between Brady and Terryl: Brady: "You asshole!" Terryl: "Watch your mouth Brady!" Brady: "O.K. You stupid asshole!" It's not Shakespeare, that's for sure. But, if you like your war action down and dirty with plenty of firefights and explosions, you can do a whole lot worse than this. Also starring Jim Gaines, Billy Kipp, Gerald Todd, John Collins, Tony Lee and Jan Jeffrey. A Questar Productions Home Video Release. Not Rated.

COP GAME (1988) - Italian war actioner filmed in the Philippines. When three soldiers in gas masks (to hide their identities) brutally gun down an American officer and his lady friend (i.e. hooker) in front of many witnesses, General Morris (Brett Halsey, in an uncredited appearance) puts Captain Skipper Kirk (Romano Puppo; AFTER THE FALL OF NEW YORK - 1983) in charge of finding out who were involved on the killings. Since the three killer soldiers were wearing Cobra Force uniforms at the time of the killings and it is no secret that Major Shooman (Robert Marius; ALIEN FROM THE DEEP - 1989), the leader of Cobra Force, is out to get Colonel Kasler (Werner Pochath; RATMAN - 1988), who is in charge of the territory where the murders occurred, Captain Kirk (and, yes, there is a STAR TREK joke made about his name) assigns two of his best men, Morgan (Brent Huff; FINAL EXAMINATION - 2002) and Hawk (Max Laurel; SGT. CLARIN: BULLET FOR YOUR HEAD - 1990), to discreetly investigate why American soldiers are killing each other in Saigon during the final days of the Vietnam War. As we soon find out, Morgan and Hawk are anything but discreet (Hawk says to one MP, "If I want any shit from you, I'll squeeze your head!"). When they question Col. Kasler, he tells the duo that Major Shooman wants him and another officer dead, but refuses to tell them the reason why or the other officer's name, citing reasons of "national security". When an assassin unsuccessfully tries to kill Col. Kasler, Morgan and Hawk chase the assassin through the streets of Saigon, where they capture and then "interrogate" him (Morgan says of Hawk while he's breaking the assassin's fingers one-by-one, "Don't piss him off. He makes Bruce Lee look like a pussy!"), but before they can obtain any information, the three gasmask-wearing soldiers suddenly appear and gun-down the assassin (Morgan: "Cocksucking, motherfucking son-of-a-bitch!" Hawk: "You took the words right out of my mouth!"). When Hawk is called away to visit one of his sick children (What?), Morgan meets a hooker named Annie (Candice Daly; HELL HUNTERS - 1986), who gives him the location of one of the killer soldiers. Morgan is forced to kill the assassin before he can interrogate him, so he and Hawk (who suddenly reappears) confront Col. Kasler, who finally spills the beans. It seems Kasler, the dead officer from the beginning of the film and another officer witnessed Major Shooman and the Cobra Force slaughter an entire village of innocent Vietnamese men, women and children, but the U.S. government would rather cover it up (shades of the true-life Mei Lai Massacre) and not make the rest of the world aware that American soldiers are capable of such heinous acts during wartime. As Morgan and Hawk race to protect the third officer, they will soon discover that the difference between the good guys and the bad guys is just the width of a hair. Someone is lying to them in a big way and it could cost them their lives.  This hokey war actioner (nothing but a low-budget scene-for-scene rip-off of OFF LIMITS, which was released earlier the same year), directed by Bruno Mattei (THE OTHER HELL - 1980; ROBOWAR - 1988; THE TOMB - 2004), using the pseudonym "Bob Hunter", and written by Rossella Drudi (BEYOND DARKNESS - 1990), is full of unbelievably bad dialogue ("You promise me the moon and then you give me a flashlight!") and numerous action set-pieces, but, unfortunately, most of these set-pieces and other footage are lifted from other films (including ARK OF THE SUN GOD [1983] and STRIKE COMMANDO [1987]) in what seems to be a cost-cutting measure (There's even a large amount of stock Vietnam war footage to round out the package). Brent Huff (who sports a distracting dangly earring in his left ear) is simply awful here. His idea of "acting" is to scream out all his lines (it becomes unintentionally funny after a while) and Max Laurel, who was so memorable as ZUMA (1985), is dubbed by someone with a very high-pitched voice, making his character seem more like a parody than a real person. Laurel also disappears mysteriously several times throughout the film. It's as if he wasn't available to film some of his scenes and is so noticeable, it becomes distracting. And, call me crazy, but did I spot mid-80's style bathing suits on view during the opening scene?There are also plenty of other examples of objects (cars and weapons) that shouldn't be seen in a film set in the mid-70's. That's just lazy filmmaking. There's not much here to please action fans besides the risible dialogue and some slow-motion gunplay, making COP GAME (also known as GI KILLER) a waste of time unless you get-off on constant badness. Also starring Don Wilson, Alex McBride, Alan Collins, Clyde Anderson (actually Italian director/writer Claudio Fragasso) and a cameo by Jim Gaines. This Flora Films Production was released on VHS in the States by III Star Releasing and can be easily obtained on DVD-R from various online gray market sellers. Not Rated.

COURIER OF DEATH (1984) - This inept, though thoroughly entertaining, regional actioner (lensed in Portland, Oregon) opens with professional courier J.D. (Joey Johnson) and his partner Frank (Bill Hupfer) trying to outrun a bunch of goons who want a briefcase containing $2 million that is handcuffed to Frank's wrist, Unable to outrun the goons' Trans Am with their van, J.D. and Frank pull into a park and get into a gunfight. Frank is killed (He is shot in the leg and then point-blank in the head. When one of the goons is unable to free the briefcase from Frank's wrist, he blows off Frank's hand with a few well-placed shots from his pistol!), but J.D. is able to kill all the goons and deliver the briefcase. J.D.'s next assignment doesn't go well at all. His wife Julie (Joan Becherich) is kidnapped and murdered before his eyes after he turns over a briefcase he picked up in San Francisco. The murderers behind Julie's death are the same people who hired the goons to steal the briefcase from Frank, so J.D., who gets help from his old Army commanding officer known only as "The Colonel" (James Jameson), sets out to kill all those responsible for his wife's death. The Colonel tells J.D. that those involved belong to a fascist organization that supply money and weapons to terrorists, so J.D. begins leaving a bunch of dead bodies in his wake as he inches closer and closer to his goal. He kills three guys in a strip bar when they refuse to answer his questions ("Wrong answer, dude!"), saves his friend Nancy (Diana Bauer) from two rapists (they torture her with knives and a lit cigarette) and then shoots Nancy's pimp boyfriend at a bar (he shoots him in the balls after slicing his face with a broken bottle). He then shotguns five guys who try to attack him and his wife's best friend Katie (Barbara Garrison) and then forces another guy to commit suicide after he gives J.D. an important clue. The fascists send a female assassin named Angel (Amy Sachel) to dispose of J.D. and she almost succeeds (she kicks him between the legs several times with her stiletto heels), but J.D. tricks her into drinking a poisoned glass of champagne (the old "switch the poison glass" trick). J.D. manages to kill nearly everyone in the fascist organization, including ringleader Bigelow (John H. Schmeer, who was also this film's Cinematographer), but soon finds out that the Colonel used him to get the $76 million in bonds that Bigelow kept in a briefcase (Doesn't anyone keep money in safes anymore?). To say anymore would spoil the final surprise.  I can't begin to describe how impossibly infectious this film is. It should fail on all levels (and, really, it does), but it is so logic-defying and non-stop violent, you can't help but keep your eyes on the screen. It's like watching a huge pile-up on the freeway where no one survives, only all the dead bodies are the most ugly people this side of a trailer park crackhouse (Just what is in Portland's water anyway?  Why is everyone in this film so butt-ugly?). Perm-headed Joey Johnson is simply indescribable as J.D., who is supposed to abhor violence, but quickly (and I do mean quickly) begins beating up (usually with his handy collapsible baton) or killing as many people as humanly possible. He's like Dirty Harry without the badge (or talent), as he blows away people left and right, usually for just looking at him funny. Director/producer Tom Shaw, who sadly never directed anything else, fills the screen with so much bloody Grade Z action, including shootings, stabbings, slashings and explosions, it's almost possible to overlook Ron Schmidt's plothole-laden script (he was also this film's Production Manager). Almost. People appear and disappear for no rhyme or reason other than to be victims of J.D.'s revenge and the finale left me shaking my head in disbelief. It really is one of the looniest and out-of-left-field conclusions that I have witnessed in quite a while. When director Shaw doesn't know how to end a scene, he simply puts J.D. in the cockpit of a Piper Cub with his overweight pilot friend, where they discuss what just happened! COURIER OF DEATH could quite possibly be one of the finest examples where everything goes wrong, yet it all gels as a whole, making this film one of the most enjoyably bad U.S.-made action films of the 80's. I haven't even touched the surface of what this film has to offer, including terrible acting (watch Angel's scene), lousy sound editing (when J.D. hears the guy's suicide, it sounds like a cap pistol muffled by a pillow!) and unbelievable situations (including J.D. turning down Katie's offer to take a shower with him because he's "not ready"!). Oh, what fun you are going to have if you are lucky enough to get your hands on a copy of this! The city of Portland should use this film as a tourist attraction ("Come to Portland. Chances are you are better-looking than us!" or "Hey, would you like to have your child's life threatened at gunpoint? Then come visit one of our many fine parks!"). Simply remarkable. Also starring Mel Fletcher, Leo Gossen, Rebecca Steele and John Benneth. Available on VHS from Lightning Video. Not available on DVD. Not Rated.

THE CRIME KILLER (1985) - Is it possible for a film to be completely inept and still be entertaining at the same time? After viewing this action abomination, I'm happy to report that, yes, it is. In the opening, police detective Zeus (director George Pan-Andreas) and his partner get into a shootout with a drug gang (the guns sound like cap pistols and you can see the wadding come out of the barrels) and, when some of the gang come popping out of garbage cans (!), Zeus is stabbed (you can see the rubber blade bend) and his partner is shot and killed (He says to Zeus with his last dying breath, "Don't get soft!"). Zeus is then forced to kill two crooked uniformed cops who were going to kill him and take the gang's drug money. Zeus is kicked off the force and is set to go on trial for killing the two cops (He complains to his Police Chief, defending his reputation as a crime fighter: "I was even buried alive for two whole days!"). When the President of the United States (Jack Bliesener) goes on TV and announces his war on drugs and crime, the Police Chief (Leo G. Morrell) begs Zeus to come back (Zeus says, "How can I come back now? You broke my heart!") when the President's ex-wife and adoptive daughter are brutally murdered. Zeus finally relents and rescues a young girl and she is able to pick out one of the killers by his mug shot. When the little girl is killed by the crime organization, Zeus gathers his Vietnam buddies together (both of them) to exact some vengeance, but first they need some strict military training to get into shape (this sequence is a real howler, as Zeus and his comrades go through their training with a no-nonsense drill sargeant while having flashbacks of their time as P.O.W.s back in Nam). Once their training is done, Zeus and his two buddies go on an all-out assault on the crime organization's compound, armed with silencers, AK-47s and their own deadly hands. Zeus begins to kill all the bad guys one-by-one (including one memorable death with a switchblade hidden in his sleeve) until he meets the female head of the organization, who tries to seduce Zeus, but ends up dead by one of her own devices.  Director George Pan-Andreas, who speaks with such a thick Greek accent that he's hard to understand on several occasions, has surely made a lousy film, but it is so damned watchable and full of hilarious set pieces and quotable dialogue, you'll be glad you watched it. My favorite scene is when he gets into a martial arts/knife fight with one thug, disarms him, cuts the thug's face and then proudly proclaims, "They call me Zeus... The Crime Killer!" Another side-splitting scene finds Zeus infiltrating the crime organization disguised as Pedro the Mexican gardener, only he ends up getting beaten to a pulp, his throat slashed and a cigarette extinguished on his leg! I could go on-and-on about all the visual and auditory nuggets this film has to offer, like when Zeus' wife says to him, "Is that all you care about, justice and uzo?", but I would rather you experience them first-hand as to get the full effect. Though basically a vanity project for Pan-Andreas (he's the only actor listed in the crazy opening credits), there's plenty of other stuff to laugh at, from the badly-staged martial arts fights (Zeus screams like a little girl every time he gets hit), to the unbelievable action sequences (check out the motorcycle stunt which results in one of the main bad guys getting a nasty tire burn on his face!). The film is very bloody in spots, including a nasty throat slashing (the effects are surprisingly well done) and wait until you get to the surreal ending involving Zeus and the President. I was laughing so hard I nearly pissed myself! This is cheese of the highest order and essential to every badfilm fan. Pan-Andreas shot a sequel to this in 2003, titled GOLDEN TARGET, but it has yet to surface legally in the U.S.. Also starring Athan Karras, Mark Todd, John Stevens, Dean Murray, John Womack and June Wallace Kean. A New World Video Release. Not Rated.

DAREDEVIL COMMANDOS (1985) - A rare Indonesian action misfire, this one taking place in the early 1940's, as Indonesian freedom fighters try to wrestle their country away from the Dutch occupational forces. The film opens with the freedom fighters attacking a Dutch military base (lots of explosion and people on both sides getting riddled with bullets), only to have the Dutch capture the leader of the freedom fighters, who bites his own tongue off when he is questioned and gets shot for not cooperating. The Captain of the Dutch military base wants to question the villagers as to where the freedom fighters, known as the Daredevil Commandos, are hiding and kill all those who won't assist them, but the Captain's second-in-command temporarily talks the Captain out of it, because the eyes of the world are on Indonesia and a mass slaughter of innocent people would not be in the best interest for the Dutch. Sergeant Major Hassim (Barry Prima; THE WARRIOR - 1981; THE TERRORISTS - 1986), the new leader of the Daredevil Commandos, begs his superiors for automatic weapons and ammunition because they cannot protect all the villages and win the war without them. Morale is also at an all-time low (Sgt. Hassim kicks the shit out of one of his comrades when the man threatens to report another soldier getting cozy with a female nurse), so when Sgt. Hassim is offered a mission to investigate a burned-out village, he grabs the rest of his team to investigate. It turns out to be a trap set-up by the Dutch and that crazy Dutch Captain. Low on ammunition, the Daredevil Commandos nevertheless win the battle using sheer brute strength (One of the Daredevils is killed, though), which severely pisses-off the Dutch Captain, who steps-up the brutality (World view be damned!) by raping women and shooting innocent villagers (Abib [Advent Bangun; THE BLIND WARRIOR - 1985], one of Sgt. Hassim's Daredevils, witnessed his sister and mother being raped by the Dutch when he was younger and these newer instances are waking-up long-suppressed memories). The Dutch are aware that the freedom fighters are running low on weapons, ammunition and food, so they plan on one final big-scale attack to wipe them off the face of the Earth. What the Dutch didn't count on is the resiliency of the Indonesian people, as the Daredevil Commandos plan to strike the Dutch where it will hurt them the worst: At their huge compound where the Dutch store a large cache of weapons, ammunition and food. It seems the only way to truly surprise the Dutch at the compound is to climb down a huge vertical cliff, so Sgt. Hassim and his men train hard for the mission. Will this be the mission that will finally make the Dutch exit Indonesia for good?   Compared to most Indonesian actioners, DAREDEVIL COMMANDOS seems more subdued in the violence department than most, which is weird since it was written by Iman Tantowi, who wrote the screenplays for such ultra-violent Indonesian films such as PRIMITIVES (1978), SATAN'S SLAVE (1982) and THE DEVIL'S SWORD (1984). The direction, by E.G. Bakker (who has no other film credits that I can find and may be a pseudonym), is rather flat and uninvolving, and he seems more interested in patriotic speeches rather than action through the first two-thirds of the film (at one point, just before a battle, the Daredevil Commandos break out into a patriotic song that begins with "Indonesia, you are my country..."). When the final battle does come at the Dutch compound (but not before more singing and prayers), it turns into a pretty bloody and stunt-filled extravaganza, with plenty of explosions, gunfights and bullet squibs, but it still pales in comparison to most Indonesian actioners because it doesn't contain a single "What The Fuck?!?" moment, something we've come to expect from these flicks. In all good faith, I can't honestly recommend DAREDEVIL COMMANDOS. Even the climatic rock avalanche is filmed for minimal impact. A rare loser from Producer Gope T. Samtani and Rapi Films. Also starring Dicky Zulkarnaen, Kaharuddin Sjah, Harry Capri, Johan Saimima, Yenny Farida, Wieke Widowati, Didier Hamel, Herve F. Dusart, V.S. Alexander and Gino Makasutji. Never legitimately available on home video in the U.S.; the print I viewed was sourced from the English-dubbed British VHS tape on the AVR Home Entertainment label. Not Rated.

DEADLY IMPACT (1984) - Two lovers, Harry and Kathy, have figured out how to beat the slot machines in Las Vegas using computerized gizmos and for the last ten weeks have taken the casinos for over $300,000, which they plan on using to buy a horse farm. The only problem is, sadistic crooks Al (John Morghen) and Kurt (Vincent Conte) have caught on to their scam and they kill Harry (by drowning him in a bathtub) before he is able to tell them where he has hidden the money. Phoenix cop George Ryan (Bo Svenson) is called to the scene of the crime and catches Al and Kurt ransacking the place, which leads to a pretty good car chase (lots of crashes and stunts) and a shootout on the rooftop of a building, where George gets shot several times in the chest. Luckily, he was weraring a bulletproof vest. George's Nam buddy, helicopter pilot and con man Lou (Fred Williamson), who was with George during the car chase, finds a clue in the bad guys' car and soon George and Lou are just one step behind Al and Kurt, who are hunting down Kathy (Marcia Clingan) and a $300,000 payday. George and Lou's investigation leads them to Las Vegas, where they learn of Kathy's involvement in the casino scam. When George gets too close to the truth, Al and Kurt ambush him on a lonely desert road, causing him to crash his car, but Lou rescues him with his helicopter and chase the bad guys again. Al and Kurt manage to give them the slip (again) and kill George's girlfriend Nancy (Karen De Witt) after they make her give George false information (she sends him to a gay bar!). The bad guys then kidnap Kathy and take her away in a helicopter, where she takes them to an abandoned ranch where the money is hidden. George and Lou are in hot pursuit and the finale finds the bad guys getting killed, then George and Lou head to Vegas and get rich on the slot machines using the deceased Harry's computer gizmos. Sometimes crime does pay.  This Italian production, filmed on location in Las Vegas, Nevada and Phoenix, Arizona is a pretty good comedy action film and Bo Svenson and Fred Williamson look like they are having a ball, even if some of the dialogue is clunky. Director/producer/co-scripter Fabrizio DeAngelis (the THUNDER WARRIOR and KARATE WARRIOR series), using his frequent pseudonym "Larry Ludman", tosses in many car chases (lots of crashes, jumps and flips in slow-motion), gun fights and a helicopter chase to please action fans. The gay bar scene doesn't make an ounce of sense, but it sure is funny. It's as if DeAngelis and co-scripter Dardano Sacchetti (using his "David Parker Jr." pseudonym) threw that scene in for no reason other than to see how many men could act "gay" at one time (like some crazy bar wager). Italian exploitation vet John Morghen (THE HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK - 1978; CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST - 1980) plays his typical sleazy, greasy bad guy role with elan. He kills people showing no emotion, killing George's girlfriend by putting two bullets point-blank into her head and shooting Kathy in the back in the film's finale, never breaking his blank stare. DEADLY IMPACT is an enjoyable time waster that is good for a few laughs, a few thrills and some good on-location photography (this was back when Vegas was still somewhat fun, before the corporations took over ownership from the Mob). The only aspect of this film that seems dated is the early 80's computer imagery and a serious faux paus that happens over the opening credits (when Harry sticks an RJ11 plug into an RJ45 jack), not to mention some ridiculous, totally made-up computer jargon that Svenson has to try to say convincingly with a straight face (he doesn't succeed). The chemistry between Williamson and Svenson seems real and they would later appear together in THE KILL REFLEX (1989), STEELE'S LAW (1991) and THREE DAYS TO A KILL (1991), all for director Williamson (and his Po' Boy Productions). They first appeared together in director Enzo. G. Castellari's INGLORIOUS BASTARDS (1978; aka: COUNTERFEIT COMMANDOS, DEADLY MISSION and G.I. BRO) and also appeared together in DELTA FORCE COMMANDO (1987). Also starring Alain Blondeau, Norma Thyssen, Rik Wallace, Bill Dunun, Genie Thompson and Wanita Brown. Originally released on VHS by Vestron Video and available on DVD from various budget labels, including Westlake Entertainment. Not Rated.

DEAD PRESIDENTS (1995) - The Hughes Brothers (Allen & Albert) make their sophomore effort a truly absorbing experience thanks to wonderful acting, a keen sense of pacing and extreme bursts of graphic violence. Set during the Vietnam era, the story revolves around a young black man (an excellent Larenz Tate) and his struggles to find a way to support his pregnant girlfriend after graduating high school. He joins the Marines because he wants to fight for his country, but he soon learns that the war is not the place to escape reality. After completing his tour of duty, he returns home to the Bronx. Unable to find a good job, he and his buddies plan an armored car robbery, hoping to collect a few hundred thousand dollars of old untraceable money that the government plans to burn. But things go terribly wrong. This may sound like a generic plot, but the Hughes Brothers pull it off with a sense of flair and urgency. As with their first film, MENACE II SOCIETY, violence plays a major role. In this film it is downright brutal. During the war scenes, heads are chopped off, a soldier has his stomach slit open and his dismembered penis shoved in his mouth and, in one unbelievable scene, a soldier steps on a land mine and is blown to bits. Even after doing a frame-by-frame search of this scene, I still couldn’t spot the cut from human to dummy. It is masterful. The violence at home is no less gruesome. People are shot in the head, crushed by moving cars and riddled with bullets. Even though it is gory, the violence is not the driving force behind this film. The story is filled with interesting characters and, for once, white people are not portrayed as raving bigots. This took guts from a black filmmaking team. DEAD PRESIDENTS (a street term for paper money) is a rare chance to watch an action film filled with people you care about and, as in real life, not every story has a happy ending. The Hughes Brothers are to be congratulated on turning out a film that rates high on the emotional scale and still delivers the adrenaline rush that action fans like me crave. Also starring Keith David (THEY LIVE - 1988), Bokeem Woodbine (THE ROCK -1996), Chris Tucker (RUSH HOUR - 1998), N’Bushe Wright, Freddy Rodriguez and cameo appearances by Seymour Cassel and Martin Sheen (who is fast becoming a cameo expert). A Hollywood Pictures Home Video Release. Rated R.

DEATH FEUD (1987) - Let me start off by saying that this is not a good film. It's poorly acted, written and suffers from some bad continuity problems. It has plenty of flesh but very little nudity. The few action scenes are haphazardly staged and shot. Yet, for some reason (I still haven't put my finger on it), it is highly compelling. Frank Stallone (Sylvester's talented brother) portrays a merchant seaman, home on shoreleave, who falls in love with drug-addicted hooker Anna (Karen Mayo-Chandler). Anna belongs to the evil Mr. Caine (Anthony Caruso), a white slave trader. Frank cleans her up and promises to marry her after his next (and last) six month stint at sea. He plans on buying an avacado farm (!), where they both plan to live happily ever after. While Frank is out at sea, Mr. Caine kidnaps Anna, rehooks her on drugs and makes her re-establish herself as a whore. When Frank returns to land and cannot locate Anna, he enlists the aide of his seaman buddy (Chris Mitchum) and a prostitute (Lisa Loring) to help him track her down. When they finally locate Anna, she is walking the streets, strung-out and looking for Johns (she offers to take Frank and Chris on for fifty bucks!). She finally recognizes Frank and runs away, only to be purposely be hit by a truck by one of Caine's goons. Frank goes on a rampage, systematically wiping out Caine's henchmen (including Nicholas Worth of DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE in a thankless role), leaving Frank pointing his revolver at Caine's crotch (he does pull the trigger). In a cop-out ending, all the good guys have a happy ending. This crazy, disjointed film was directed by Carl Monson (who also made films under the name Carlos Monsoya) who also made PLEASE DON'T EAT MY MOTHER (1972 - aka GLUMP and HUNGRY PETS), a personal favorite of Psychotronic editor Michael Weldon. Monson also turns in this flick's best performance as Harold, the openly gay desk clerk of one of Caine's whore motels. He is constantly getting roughed up by Frank and the goons. Monson even dresses in women's clothing and has a crying jag in one of the film's key scenes. Co-star Anthony Caruso has done his share of exploitation films, appearing in such diverse fare as ZEBRA FORCE (1976) and CLAWS (1977). The majority of Chris Mitchum's scenes consist of him sitting at a bar drinking beer and watching dancer Greta Blackburn (PARTY LINE - 1988) shake her mammary glands. It's still a step up from his role in the abominable EXECUTIONER PART 2 (1980). Frank Stallone has made a career for himself in B films, starring in such films as THE PINK CHIQUITAS (1986), OUTLAW FORCE (1987) and FEAR (1988). In all, DEATH FEUD is unusual enough to merit your attention. A Southgate Entertainment Home Video Release. Not Rated.

DEATH RAIDERS (1984) - A provincial Governor and his two daughters are kidnapped by the evil Karamat and his trigger-happy men. After a treacherous trek through the jungle, Karamat and his prisoners finally arrive at his fortress, which is heavily fortified with men with guns and a series of maze-like caves. The government deems an air attack or a full-on ground assault too dangerous, so they reform the Death Raiders, a small group of Black Ops. soldiers headed by Captain Barone, to penetrate Karamat's fortress and rescue the Governor and his daughters. So begins this enjoyable (sometimes for the wrong reasons) action film from the Philippines, as Captain Barone rounds-up all the ex-members of his squad; from a disco (with the prerequisite bar fight), a police hostage situation (with the prerequisite attempted rape scene) and helping an alcoholic member free his girlfriend from a mafia whorehouse. Meanwhile, Karamat's son, who disagrees with his father's political views, unsuccessfully tries to lead the prisoners to freedom. When Karamat catches him, he ties him up in the middle of town and beats the stuffing oput of him with his bare hands in front of all the citizens. This does not sit too well with Karamat's wife, who secretly plans a revolution with a sympathetic rebel in town. After Captain Barone and his men train to get into shape, they set out on their mission to Karamat's stronghold. They make it to the cave where the Governor and his daughters are being held and they get an unexpected hand from Karamat's wife and son. From then on, the group try to make it through the jungle to safety, before the Army does a full air and ground attack on the compound. Members will be lost on the way as Captain Barone and his men must fight an inexhaustable supply of Karamat's soldiers, even as some of Barone's men return to Karamat's compound to rescue innocent women and children.  Directed and co-written with a lot of intentional humor (check out the disco and whorehouse scenes) by Segundo Ramos (SUICIDE FORCE - 1982), this film has a lot going for it (especially the early martial arts fights, including an inventive, almost comic book-like, use of a spinning bar stool), but stops dead in it's tracks every time it goes back to the Karamat father-son conflict. This film works best when it concentrates on the Death Raiders themselves and their comradarie, which seems natural and unforced (it's apparent these actors, including Johnny Wilson [DEVIL'S THREE - 1979] and George Estregan [CLASSIFIED OPERATION - 1985], here using the name "George Regan", have worked together many times before this film). As with most Filippino action films, this one contains more than a few scenes of attempted rape (but, surprisingly, no nudity), including a comical scene where a bunch of Karamat's soldiers fight each other in the middle of a lake as they try to rape one of the Governor's daughters. While most of the action in the latter-half of the film is basically gunfights and explosions, the film has a kinetic energy that's infectious and fun to watch. I was taken aback by the abrupt ending, but that's a small complaint to an otherwise highly watchable film and, at 80 minutes, it doesn't overstay it's welcome. Also starring George Pallance, Ramon Zamora, Rudolfo Boy Garcia, Renato Del Prado, Robert Lee, June Ariston, Raquel Montesa and Joel Alano. A Les Productions et Distributions Videodrome Inc. (PDV) Home Video Release. Not Rated.

THE DEVASTATOR (1985) - Deacon Porter (Rick Hill) has nightmares where he's transported back to Vietnam (in footage cribbed from FINAL MISSION - 1984) and he's fighting the Vietcong. One day, he gets a call from Elaine (Debbie Brooks), the wife of one of his soldier buddies, telling him that her husband, Marty, died in a car crash and she doesn't think it was an accident, so Deacon heads to the town of King's Ransom to investigate. Once in town, Deacon meets pretty gas station owner Audrey (future director Katt Shea) and immediately runs into Sheriff Clay Marsh (Kaz Garas), who warns Deacon that this town doesn't tolerate strangers. Elaine tells Deacon that the town has been taken over by a group of dastardly marijuana farmers and their leader, John Carey (Crofton Hardester), is not above murder to protect his crop. She believes Carey is responsible for Marty's death. Deacon begins asking questions around town, but finds everyone afraid to talk. While out on a date with Audrey, Carey and his men force Deacon's car off the road and beat the shit out of him (Casey also has the hots for Audrey). When Deacon doesn't take the hint to leave town, a couple of Carey's men firebomb Elaine's house, killing her (she burns to death in her bed), which results in Deacon chasing the two goons in his car. Deacon's car flips over and explodes, so Carey thinks Deacon is dead and his problems are over. In reality, Deacon escaped the explosion and he's about to make Carey's life miserable. Deacon contacts his old Nam buddies, electronics expert Spenser (Terrence O'Hara), explosives expert Bartlett (Bill McLaughlin) and insane muscleman Ox (Jack Daniels) and they head to King's Ransom for some good, old-fashioned payback. Audrey puts them up in a secret cabin in the woods, as Deacon and his squad systematically begin to kill Carey's men and destroy the pot crop. As more of his men end up missing, Carey's men capture Bartlett, hold him in a cell at the Sheriff's office and beat the crap out of him, but Deacon and his men pull a midnight rescue and save Bartlett. Carey kidnaps Audrey (and blows up her gas station) and uses her as bait. The finale finds Deacon, his men and Sheriff Marsh (who finally comes to his senses) battling Carey and his gang while trying save Audrey and blowing up a dam to flood the pot crop. Not everyone (both good and bad) will make it out alive.  This is another one of Filipino director/producer Cirio H. Santiago's long line of 80's actioners and it's a pretty good little B-film. Even though it recycles some of the same locations and footage used in Santiago's earlier FINAL MISSION (even the main character in both films is called "Deacon", so no new looping was necessary!), these are two totally different films which can still be enjoyed if watched back-to-back. There are some similarities, namely Kaz Garas as a small-town sheriff that's neither good or bad (he tries to do his job in both films, even though he knows there's corruption all around him) and both films contain scenes where bad guys get killed by boobytraps in the woods, but THE DEVASTATOR (also known as THE DESTROYERS and KING'S RANSOM) avoids being the FIRST BLOOD clone that MISSION was, thanks to the marijuana subplot and a finale that involves trying to blow up a dam. Katt Shea (who would later direct her share of genre films, including STRIPPED TO KILL [1987], the excellent DANCE OF THE DAMNED [1988], POISON IVY [1992] and THE RAGE: CARRIE 2 [ 1999]) has a topless scene, there's plenty of gunfights, explosions, bloody bullet squibs, car chases and, hell, there's even a helicopter chase/explosion and some decent miniature work, all packed into a tidy 78 minute running time, so it doesn't overstay it's welcome. Say what you want about Santiago (and I've said some pretty nasty things in the past, especially his films VAMPIRE HOOKERS [1979] and FUTURE HUNTERS [1986]), but when he was on his game (as he is here), he was capable of turning out some entertaining low-budget flicks. It's no wonder Roger Corman funded many of his films, because Santiago knew how to stretch a buck to the breaking point, yet he could still deliver interesting, if unoriginal, product. The script is by frequent Santiago collaborator Joseph Zucchero (who also has acted in Santiago films like STRYKER [1983], NAKED VENGEANCE [1985] and RAIDERS OF THE SUN [1991]), who uses the pseudonym "Joseph Sugarman" here. Another film (not directed by Santiago) made the same year as this, WARLORDS FROM HELL, has a strikingly similar plot, but is the antithesis of THE DEVASTATOR: It's a boring action film. Also starring Steve Rogers, Don Gordon Bell, Henry Strzalkowski and an uncredited appearance by Nick Nicholson as one of Carey's thugs. This film use to play quite often on TV during the late 80's and early 90's and the only U.S. home video release was a big box VHS tape put out by MGM/UA Home Video in the mid-80's. Not available on DVD. Rated R.

DIRTY HEROES (1979) - In this insane revenge actioner from Thailand (You can immediately tell that this film is from Thailand because the first frames of the film proudly announce "A Super Production From Thailand" in bold white letters on a bright red background!), a bunch of goons sent by the "Landlord" enter the home of Peter and demand $30,000 from him or else he and his family will have to leave. When Peter refuses, the goons beat him, tie him up, shoot and kill his young (and naked) son, gang-rape his wife and then shoot and kill both of them, too, before setting fire to their home. The entire atrocity was witnessed by a young girl, who leaves town and doesn't return until years later, the faces of all of Peter's murderers etched into her memory. Local hotheaded man Richard (Sombat Methanee; who starred in THE KILLER ELEPHANTS [1976] using the name "Sung Pa") can plainly see that nothing has changed in the twenty years he has been living in this town. Innocent farmers and their families are still being murdered and their land being purchased at rock-bottom prices by Mrs. Chaw, who Richard believes is the "Landlord" behind the killings, both past and present. Richard cannot get anyone in town to believe his story, because Mrs. Chaw is well-respected around town and the only law in the territory, Deputy Sheriff John, seems to be in Mrs. Chaw's pocket. Richard becomes romantically involved with pretty young schoolteacher Catherine (Alana Montri), while he secretly murders the goons under Mrs. Chaw's control. Richard also helps Kenneth (Clint Chit) run for election for parliament against Mrs. Chaw, which doesn't sit too well with Mrs. Chaw, who orders her men to kill Kenneth and Richard. As more of her men end up dead by Richard's hands, Mrs. Chaw becomes convinced that there is a spy amongst them. When the goons kill Richard's father in front of Richard, his sister Molly and Kenneth (Kenneth: "You're upset."  Richard: "Of course so, they've killed my father!") and later kill Molly in a drive-by shooting, Richard and Kenneth step-up their revenge-fueled rampage, especially after Catherine's step-sister is raped and her step-father is murdered. When it is revealed that the young girl that witnessed the death of Peter and his family is none other than Catherine (who is Peter's daughter), she joins Richard and Kenneth in ridding the town of Mrs. Chaw and her rape-hungry hoods.  Badly dubbed and bloody as hell, DIRTY HEROES (Don't look for this title on IMDB or any other review site) is enjoyable nonsense if you put your brain in neutral and let your thought processes coast downhill. Director Vichien Sakon  (Who?) and screenwriter Prasa Somchai (Double Who?) toss in numerous gunfights and sleazy sequences to go along with the political intrigue and revenge-driven storyline. What is truly remarkable is how the sleazy scenes involving rape and sex manage to avoid any female nudity at all, yet there is no problem showing the penis of Peter's young son just before he is mercilessly blown away!  The violence on display is mainly of the bullet type, as people are shot in the head, torso, arms, legs and back. Mrs. Chaw also whips underling Suzy repeatedly across her naked back with a bamboo cane and then orders her goons to "rape her until she dies" when she believes Suzy is the spy, which she isn't (Mrs. Chaw, who is probably a lesbian [look at the way she dresses], believes that all women who don't see eye-to-eye with her should be raped until they are dead!). The finale, where Catherine chases Mrs. Chaw, who is throwing grenades back at her (!) in a lumberyard, is one of those "What The Fuck?!?" sequences in Asian films that ends with Mrs. Chaw getting shot in the stomach and falling on one of her live grenades, blowing herself to smithereens. Toss in some of the most awkward romantic dialogue I have ever heard (Clearly, the Australians who provide the cheesy English dubbing were making it up on the spot) and what you end up with is a frenetic, over-the-top sleazefest that should satisfy fans of Far East weirdness. Also starring Krung Seller, Prichela Lee, Boosith, Viboonlarp, and Ceceil Quinn. Never released on home video in the U.S.; the print I viewed was sourced from a British VHS tape. Not Rated.

ELIMINATOR WOMAN (1992) - Ree Marsales (Len Sparrowman) is the bookkeeper for South African crime kingpin Alex Gatelee (director Michel Qissi) and he has done something very, very wrong. He has stolen over $100 million of Gatelee's gold bars and hidden them in a secret location. Gatelee and two of his goons travel to Beverly Hills to kill Marsales and retrieve the gold, but Marsales escapes and Gatelee ends up getting slashed across his face by one of Marsales' co-workers (That's going to leave a scar!). Three months later, two Beverly Hills cops, Jay Handlin (Jerry Trimble) and Julie A. Parish (Karen Sheperd), are assigned to escort Marsales back to South Africa to testify against Gatelee. As soon as they step off the plane, Gatelee's men attack them, but the martial arts abilities of both Jay and Julie manage to defeat them. Jay and Julie have a friendly rivalry (He tells local cop Fetz Deverenter [Ted Le Plat]: "Her name is Julie A. Parish. The 'A' is for attitude!"), but when Julie is kidnapped by Gatelee, Jay gets serious and begins tearing-up South Africa looking for her. He gets help from Charlie (Siphiwe Mlangeni), a local boy who is wise beyond his years. They confront Gatelee at his home, which results in fisticuffs followed by a motorcycle chase. Jay and Fetz are unaware that Fetz's girlfriend, Myra (Ashley Hayden), is on Gatelee's payroll and she uses her inside knowledge to assist Gatelee in trying to locate his missing gold (She tries to seduce Jay to give up the location of the gold, but he rebuffs her naked advances by saying, "I don't sleep with snakes!"), Meanwhile, Julie has escaped from Gatelee's jungle compound and, together with fellow captive Lianna (Kimberleigh Stark), must run a gauntlet of Gatelee's fighters and assassins as they try to make it to safety. Charlie brings Jay to his sister's house to question her about Gatelee's business since she use to work for him until he manually removed one of her eyes when she spurned his advances. Her information proves invaluable to Jay, who is now able to definitely connect Myra with Gatelee. Myra is able to sneak into Marsales' jail cell and tricks him into revealing the location of the gold. Myra double-crosses Gatelee and steals the gold for herself, which sets up the finale where everyone gathers together on the island where the gold is hidden. Expect lots of bone-crunching as Jay faces-off with Gatelee in a cave and Julie chases down Myra in a speedboat/helicopter chase.  Although nothing special, ELIMINATOR WOMAN (also known as TERMINATOR WOMAN) is a mindless, fight-filled martial arts actioner that should please fans of the genre. Non-actor Jerry Trimble (FULL CONTACT - 1992; LIVE BY THE FIST - 1993; STRANGLEHOLD - 1994) is not asked to emote much (thank God!), as director Michel Qissi (EXTREME FORCE - 2001), a frequent co-star (and fight coordinator) in the early films of Jean-Claude Van Damme (KICKBOXER - 1989; LIONHEART - 1990), prefers to use Trimble and co-star Karen Sheperd (MISSION OF JUSTICE - 1992) in a series of increasingly complicated martial arts fights, gun battles and chases, which culminates in a battle royale in the finale where the good guy/girl takes-on the bad guy/girl. While not especially bloody, the fight scenes are well choreographed and exciting (thanks to Qissi) and Gatelee meets a memorable demise. While also lacking in the nudity department, Sheperd does look fetching in the tight black outfit she wears through the majority of the film and there's some humor, too, especially Gatelee's "Apology accepted!" remark and action accompanying it after one of his main goons expresses his sorrow for letting Julie get away. ELIMINATOR WOMAN is a lot better than the title suggests, as long as you don't set your sights too high. It's probably the best martial arts flick that Jerry Trimble has starred in. I know that's not saying much, but sometimes you have to pick your battles. Also starring Graham Clarke, Nikade Ribane and Justin Byleveld. A Vidmark Entertainment Release. Not available on DVD in the U.S., but there is a British DVD available from Hollywood DVD (PAL Region 0). Rated R.

ENEMY UNSEEN (1989) - After a sappy power ballad (It goes, "You want somebody, you need somebody...") the film opens with guide Mel (Jeff Weston) and nature photographer Roxanne Tangent (Angela O'Neill) camping out next to a crocodile-infested river in some unnamed African country, where they witness a tribal ritual where a young native woman is sacrificed to a huge crocodile in the river. Mel and Roxanne are caught spying on the ritual and the natives kill Mel (spear in the chest) and abduct Roxanne. When Mel's body is found floating down river, Roxanne's rich and influential father, Gordon Tangent (Michael McCabe), hires mercenaries Steiger (Vernon Wells) and Josh (Stack Pierce) to lead him on a search through "Crocodile Valley" for his daughter. Also on the trip are fellow mercenaries Stanley (Deon Stewardson), Pencil (scripter Greg Latter) and river guide Malanga (South African film vet Ken Gampu). After traveling down the river for a while, the group sets up camp, where we learn that Pencil is a racist (He calls Malanga a "nigger", which pisses off Josh until Malanga reminds him that in Africa "nigger is a nice word."!?!) and that Malanga lost a sister in the same area years earlier. That night, Stanley is attacked and killed by a huge crocodile when it drags him into one of their own perimeter boobytraps (Boom!). The next morning, the group travel further down the river and pick up Roxanne's trail. Pencil is shot with an arrow and falls into the river, where he is eaten by a crocodile. The natives destroy the camp (including the radio) and begin hunting the group, first hitting Steiger with a poison dart (When Malanga informs Steiger that the poison will make him fall asleep and die, Steiger says, "Die? I don't have time to die."). Josh and Steiger are captured by the natives and brought to their village after Gordon shoots and kills the tribe's best hunter (Gordon gets away and roams the jungle, nervously shooting at every sound he hears). John and Steiger are put in a cage next to Roxanne and try to figure out a way to escape. The tribe captures Gordon and feed him to a pit of hungry crocodiles while Roxanne watches and screams "Daddy!" When the natives try to do the same thing to Steiger, Malanga shows up and saves his ass. Now, Steiger and Malanga must return to the village and save Roxanne and Josh, since the tribe plans to sacrifice Roxanne to the crocodiles that night. Will they save her in time and will they make their way back to civilization?  This South African-lensed jungle action film, directed by Elmo De Witt, mixes standard jungle warfare (guns vs. primitive weapons, where the poison darts and arrows beat the guns nearly every time) with some of the worst crocodile attacks ever committed to film. While we are treated to some nice nature photography of real crocodiles in their natural habitat, it's quite obvious that when the attacks happen, some lousy looking fake rubber stunt crocodiles are used. Vernon Wells (THE ROAD WARRIOR - 1982) makes a pretty flat action hero here, showing none of the crazy charm like he did as Bennett, Arnold Schwarzenegger's homosexual nemesis in COMMANDO (1985). Thankfully, both Stack Pierce (KILLPOINT - 1984) and the late Ken Gampu (SOUL PATROL - 1978) register in their roles. The chemistry between them is quite apparent and they both have the best lines. The only true emotion in this film comes when Malanga discovers that the little girl following him and Josh in the finale is his niece. The look on Gampu's face tells the whole story. ENEMY UNSEEN is not very bloody or action-packed. It just meanders along at it's own leisurely pace until it's inevitable happy ending. Nothing more, nothing less. Also starring Sam Ntsinyi, Joe Stewardson and Paddy Lyster. An Action International Pictures Home Video Release. Rated R.

FAST GUN (1987) - A series of armory thefts at various U.S. military bases throughout the world leaves the government baffled as to who is involved. We learn rather quickly that people in our own government are the ones involved, but don't try to think about it too hard, because you'll end up with a migraine. We watch Nelson (Robery Dryer; SAVAGE STREETS - 1984) and his men pull off the next armory heist, only this time Nelson begins killing military personnel when they recognize him. The heist turns into a massacre when both sides shoot it out. Nelson is now wanted by the U.S. Government after they find out he has turned rogue and is stealing arms for his own purposes, rather than for his own government (there goes that damn migraine again!). Corrupt Army Colonel Harper (Kaz Garas; FINAL MISSION - 1984) must find and kill Nelson before the press gets hold of the story that Harper hired him to rob our own armories (Where's my Tylenol?). Nelson ends up in the small, secluded California town of Granite Lake, where the entire police force consists of Sheriff Jack Steiger (Rick Hill; DUNE WARRIORS - 1990) and Deputy Cowboy Phelps (Morgan Strickland). The town's crooked wheeler-dealer, Rupert Jessup (Ken Metcalfe), is an old business partner of Nelson's and they plan on selling the stolen weapons to the highest bidders, as soon as they build a secret airstrip in the forest. Too bad Nelson picked this town, because Sheriff Jack is a crack shot, as we witness him shooting three violent drug runners right between the eyes and then blows-up their attacking helicopter with just three shots of his pistol. He's also pretty good with his hands, too, as we later watch him beat the crap out of a motorcycle gang who decide to destroy his girlfriend Julie's (Brenda Bakke; DEATH SPA - 1987) bar. It seems Jack use to be a big city cop, but he left the force when he saw his partner shot in the head (he still has nightmares about it) and moved to this small town to get away from the action and violence. Bad move. It's not long before Jack and Nelson are butting heads, but both Jessup and money-hungry (but clueless) Mayor Ankers (Anthony East) interfere with Jack's duty as sheriff. One night, a bunch of Nelson's men break Jack's gun hand with a two-by-four, pour booze down his throat (Jack is a recovering alcoholic) and then loot the town. Mayor Ankers fires Jack for being drunk on duty, but when Colonel Harper shows up in town and he spots Nelson's men kidnapping Cowboy, Jack and Harper join forces to free Cowboy and bring Nelson and Jessup down. When Cowboy dies in a manner similar to Jack's old partner, Jack goes on a one-man killing spree to get revenge. He's no longer a cop, so all the rules go out the window. Pray for the bad guys, especially in the unbelievable final scene where Jack blows up a huge cargo plane with just three shots of his sidearm!  This is another one of prolific Filipino director/producer Cirio H. Santiago's many 80's action films. While nothing spectacular, FAST GUN does move at a fast clip and, besides some gaping plot holes (How does Jack's hand manage to heal so fast?), it manages to keep you entertained through it's short 76 minute running time. Since this film doesn't try to break any new ground (it's strikingly similar to Santiago's THE DEVASTATOR [1985], which also starred Rick Hill and Kaz Garas), it depends more on action set-pieces rather than plot. Scripters (and long-time Santiago collaborators) Joe Mari Avellana and Frederick Bailey never even try to explain why our own government is stealing weapons from their own armories (I racked my brain for an explanation and all I got was a splitting headache). Instead, they just layer-on one gunfight or car chase after another until we get to the conclusion, where the entire town of Granite Lake is destroyed one building at a time, as Jack, Harper and Julie battle the never-ending supply of Nelson's goons (including Santiago regular Nick Nicholson), who are armed with automatic weapons and rocket launchers. If you have ever watched a Santiago film, you know he excels when it comes to action sequences. This is just like most of Santiago's 80's output: Take off your thinking caps and just enjoy the mindless violence. Ed Carlin, the producer of such films as BLOOD AND LACE (1970), THE NIGHT GOD SCREAMED (1971) and SUPERSTITION (1982), was Executive Producer on this film. Made in 1987 but not released on home video until 1993. Also starring Frank Diaz, David Light, Warren McLean, Bill Staub, Joanne Griffin, Paul Holmes, Jeff Griffith and Henry Strzalkowski. Released on VHS by Roger Corman's New Horizons Home Video. Corman bankrolled the majority of Santiago's output from the early 70's right up to 2005's BLOODFIST 2050. Say what you want about Santiago (and I have said both good and bad), but the man has had a long, successful career in B-films. Rated R.

FATAL VACATION (1989) - Here's a Hong Kong production (from Golden Harvest) that's sure to make anyone think twice about vacationing in the Philippines. As a matter of fact, it's bound to make any Filipino that watches it to pick up a gun and shoot the next Chinaman they see in the head just for spite. The story is simple: A tour group, consisting of a group of diverse Hong Kong residents, including grandparents and their grandson; a cop and his horny brother; identical twin brothers (complete with matching bushy moustaches!); a husband who leaves his pregnant wife at home (Her last words to him are, "Honey, don't go to the prostitutes. AIDS is fatal!"); a guy who likes to wear his Rolex on weird parts of his body (like his foot); and various other goofballs, take a bus trip through the Philippines with tour guy Bud (director/producer Eric Tsang), his dwarf sidekick Rainman (What's a Filipino flick without a midget?) and Candy (Irene Wan). Candy believes some of the tourists on board are Triad members, which worries her because there's a strong military presence everywhere on their route, but Bud tells her to supply the Triad members with "cannabis, strip shows and hookers" and everything will be alright. Yeah, right! After making a few stops to do the things that tourists do (take photos, buy souvenirs, etc.), circumstances take a considerable turn for the worse when cops raid a bar close to where the tourists are having dinner (and watching and participating a hula show!), where rebel leader Sam (Bernardo Bernardo)is buying an illegal shipment of automatic weapons. This leads to a massive stunt-filled shootout between the rebels and the cops that eventually leads to the rebels hijacking the bus and taking the tourists hostage (thankfully, Rainman stays behind) so they can make their getaway. After shooting one of the tourists in the head to prove they mean business, the rebels drive the bus to a village in the jungle, where they offer to trade the tourists to the Philippines government in exchange for the release of Sam's prisoner brother Eric (Spanky Manikan). Of course, nothing goes according to plan, so the tourists must come to depend on each other to plan and execute their escape, as some of the tourists are raped, tortured or killed by their captors. The finale illustrates that even unassuming common people are capable of acts of uncommon bravery and self-sacrifice if pushed too far. Expect lots of gun battles, explosions (including exploding bodies) and blood.  Director/producer/star Eric Tsang (MAD MISSION - 1981; VAMPIRE FAMILY - 1993), working with a screenplay by Nam Yin (PRISON ON FIRE - 1987), offers an uneasy mix of comedy and brutal violence, yet he seems to make it work. The comedy comes mainly in the beginning, such as when the tourists take advantage of two Filipino soldiers, buying everything they own except their underwear and rifles, only for the viewer to discover that the soldiers do this every time tourists stop there (and make a bundle of money each time). Once the hostage situation happens, the comedy abruptly ends and it becomes a tense and bloody standoff between the rebels and the Filipino government (all it's members speak English), with the tourists painfully in the middle. Graphic scenes of rape and death follow, including an incredibly nerve wracking scene where Bud is forced by rebel leader Sam to play a game of Russian Roulette with the rest of the tourists' lives that ends with the identical twin brothers sacrificing their lives for the good of the others (How they chose to die is truly memorable in a twisted, brotherly way). It's Bud and Candy who are the invisible glue that holds the group together. Bud (it reads "Bud" on the English subtitles, but it sounds like they are calling him "Bob" on the Cantonese soundtrack) makes it his duty to convince his charges that things are much better than they actually are once they are taken hostage (he eats a plate of rancid food with a smile on his face), while Candy offers herself as the next rape victim of a bald-headed rebel when he originally choses another woman from the group. They both go into full hero mode in the exciting and bloody finale, but, along the way, Tsang manages to get in some sharp barbs on subjects like TV news reporting, the Chinese takeover of Hong Kong in 1997, government cover-ups and self-sacrifice. While this will never be endorsed by the Philippines Tourism Board, FATAL VACATION offers a wealth of excitement for exploitation and action fans. American expatriate Ken Metcalfe (THE WOMAN HUNT - 1972) was Casting Director here. American audiences should recognize the late Victor Wong, who plays the grandfather, from John Carpenter's BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA (1986) and the THREE NINJAS series of films. Also starring Tang Bik Wan, Kwong Leung Wong, Crispin Medina, Alex Mondragoxi, Jimmy Fabregas, Melinda Beltron, Mervyn Samson, Perry Berry and Joan Tong. Available on DVD from Tai Seng in a widescreen English-subtitled print. Not Rated.

FIELD OF FIRE (1990) - Major Wilson (Jim Ross) is trapped behind enemy lines when his Phantom jet is shot down and he is forced to parachute into the Vietnam jungle. While VC soldiers are nipping at Major Wilson's heels, General Corman (David Carradine), assigns Sgt. Duncan (Eb Lottimer; LORDS OF THE DEEP - 1989) and his squad of misfit soldiers, Hawk (Henry Strzalkowski), Jimmy-T (Don Barnes), Senator (Scott Utley) and Jeff (Tonichi Fructoso) to rescue Major Wilson before he is captured and reveals government secrets. General Corman sends his aide, Lt. Reynolds (David Anthony Smith), a wise-ass fighter pilot, to assist Sgt. Duncan on the mission. The enemy sends a special force, led by Captain Phat (Joe Mari Avellana), who had a previous run-in with Sgt. Duncan and his men (Duncan killed a General that Phat was protecting), to capture Major Wilson before he is rescued. The enemy also seems to have knowledge of Sgt. Duncan's arrival in the jungle, like someone on our side is passing them information. This makes it very difficult for Sgt. Duncan's squad, who rescue an injured Major Wilson, but are dogged at every step by Captain Phat and his black-clad special forces. It also doesn't help that Lt. Reynolds is a major fuck-up, who at one point wears mirrored sunglasses while walking through the jungle. This alerts the enemy on their position when they see the rays of the sun reflected off the mirrored lenses. With bad weather on the way that make rescue by helicopter impossible, Sgt. Duncan and his men must traverse the jungle on foot until they get to the next pick-up point miles away. That's easier said than done, because Major Wilson is developing a case of "jungle rot" in his leg wound and it's obvious that someone is sabotaging their every move, as supplies in their backpacks end up missing and their radio is tampered with. With every battle that Duncan and his men engage in, they lose another member. General Corman becomes highly suspicious of Duncan's unlikely series of misfortunes and roots-out the traitor, who is not a member of the trapped squad, but a member of his own staff. The finale finds Duncan, Reynolds and Senator, the only squad members left alive, trying to protect Major Wilson while Captain Phat and his special forces lead one final all-out assault. Can General Corman save them in time?  This is director Cirio H. Santiago's first in a series of 90's Vietnam War action films, following a string of 80's war actioners, which included EYE OF THE EAGLE (1987), BEHIND ENEMY LINES (1987), THE EXPENDABLES (1988) and NAM ANGELS (1988). If you enjoyed any of those films, you'll probably like this one, too. The script, by Thomas McKelvey Cleaver (Santiago's DUNE WARRIORS - 1990; also starring David Carradine), is basically nothing but a series of action set-pieces, where Duncan and his squad get in numerous firefights, objects and people blow up real good and so many enemy soldiers are stabbed, it's hard to keep count. That's not to say that the film is not without humor, though. There's a funny bit in the beginning where Duncan's squad gross-out a bunch of wet-behind-the-ears new recruits by eating a box-full of enemy "ears" (they're actually canned peaches), only to have Duncan stroll by and accidentally eat the real stunt ear (it's quite funny) and this touching bit of dialogue that Duncan delivers to his squad when member Hawk is killed: "You guys just remember one thing. Hawk bought it because he was showing off. Now I don't want any more of you guys dying on me, you understand? Because I take that shit personal......Now get over here and eat your lizard!" Even though David Carradine is top-billed, he appears for less than five minutes throughout the film, but then he shows up in the finale and plays a major role in saving Duncan, Reynolds and Wilson. You at first think that Carradibe is doing one of his patented B-movie walk-on roles, but he actually plays the action hero in the end, jumping out of helicopters and laying down ground fire so everyone can escape. His character, General Corman, is an in-joke to Roger Corman, who bankrolled the majority of Santiago's films, including this one. If you like war films with more braun than brains, FIELD OF FIRE should fit the bill nicely. Other Santiago 90's Nam films include BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY (1991), KILL ZONE (1992; which recycles a lot of footage from this film) and FIREHAWK (1992). Also starring Joseph Zucchero, Ken Metcalfe, Robert Ginnivan, James Paolelli, Ruben Ramos, Archie Ramirez, Steve Rogers and Aaron Wellborn. Released on VHS by HBO Home Video and not yet available on DVD. Rated R.

THE FIGHTER (1988) - Australian expatriate Ryan Travers (Richard Norton; RAIDERS OF THE SUN - 1991) is a common street criminal in Thailand who gets by by picking pockets and other low-level crimes. When he catches someone cheating him is a street game of craps, he beats the crap out of the cheater, is caught by the police and spends the next five years of his life in a Thai prison. Just a day before he is to be released, Ryan's mother and father are murdered when a bomb explodes in their antiques store, placed there by the minions of crime kingpin Mr. Pinai (Ramon D'Salva) when the father refuses to help him smuggle heroin out of the country. The bombing was witnessed by Ryan's sister, Katie (Erica Van Wagener), who meets her brother when he is released from prison. It turns out that Katie is very ill, so Ryan goes back to his old ways, picking pockets and stealing to pay for Katie's expensive medication. Ryan again gets into trouble with the police, but when Katie's guardian, Quan (Angel Confiado), is found murdered (and wrongfully blamed on Ryan's gambling debts), Ryan decides to go straight and takes a job as a welder with his new friend Chai Wat (Franco Guerrero; PAY OR DIE - 1979; ONE ARMED EXECUTIONER - 1980). While walking down an alley, Ryan and Chai Wat happen upon an illegal street fight and Ryan decides to take part in a fight when Mr. Pinai offers $10,000 to anyone who can beat his fighter. Ryan does just that and embarrasses Mr. Pinai in front of everyone. What Ryan doesn't realize is that Mr. Pinai is responsible for his parents' deaths and, to add insult to injury, he also gets Ryan fired from his job and makes sure that he cannot get another job anywhere in town. This couldn't have come at a worse time because Katie is no longer responding to her medication and now needs an expensive heart operation to stay alive (What the hell happened to the $10,000 Ryan just won???). Ryan teams up with fellow Australian Zach (Glen Ruehland; NAILED - 2007), an alcoholic fight promoter, and Ryan quickly moves up in the ranks as a fighter in the no-holds-barred realm of illegal street fighting. This all leads to the big final fight, where Mr. Pinai forces Ryan to throw the fight against undefeated Jet (Benny Urquidez, who also starred with Norton in FORCE: FIVE - 1981) or else he will kill Katie. Ryan gets some unexpected help from blind street beggar Wan (Nello Nayo), who is actually a martial arts master that teaches Ryan the finer points of fighting (as well as humility and patience), skills Ryan will need to defeat Jet and get even for his parents' deaths.  This Filipino martial arts actioner, directed/produced by Anthony Maharaj (CROSS FIRE - 1987; MISSION TERMINATE - 1987, both starring Norton and Guerrero) and written by Noah Blough, is a cheap, by-the-numbers "underdog meets undefeated fighter in the ring" potboiler that offers no surprises (C'mon now, fighting to pay for your sister's life-saving operation? How old is that chestnut?) and even makes the fighting scenes look boring. This scenario was done to death even back in 1988 and if it weren't for the presence of Richard Norton and Franco Guerrero (who is wasted here in a thankless role), this film (also known as KICK FIGHTER) would be nearly unwatchable. It's lazily filmed, has sound that seems to have been recorded through a tin can and has sets as threadbare as any porno film. It also has the prerequisite master/student training montage, a totally out-of-place sequence in a bowling alley (I'm going to have to do a list where bowling alleys are used for no reason in genre films. I can think of at least a dozen off the top of my head.) and an unbelievable disclaimer in the finale that states that although Benny Urquidez was defeated in this film, in real life he is an undefeated fighter and this film is dedicated to all those that fought Urquidez and lost, but wish they won! I can only imagine that this disclaimer was put there at Urquidez's request to stroke his ego. This entire film screams amateur hour and is one of the weaker examples of Filipino action cinema. You've seen it all done a hundred times before and better than this. American expatriate actor Bill Baldridge (POW DEATHCAMP - 1988) was assistant Director here. Also starring Steve Rackman (who, as "Bodo", has the best fight in the film with Norton), Tony Laxa and Karim Karam, with a special appearance by international boxing referee Carlos "Sunny" Padilla Jr. (Who?). An AIP Home Video VHS Release. Not available on DVD. Rated R.

FIGHTING MAD (1978) - Three Vietnam veterans, Russell (James Iglehart), McGee (Leon Isaac Kennedy) and Morelli (Carmen Argenziano), steal a shipment of gold bars from a U.S. military base and fence it to a man called "The Chinaman" (Vic Diaz) for a large sum of cash. Morelli and McGee betray Russell, stab him and toss his body overboard the boat they are in as they head back to the States. While Morelli and McGee establish themselves as heads of a criminal empire in Los Angeles, Russell washes-up on-shore on an uncharted island occupied by two Japanese soldiers (Joe Mari Avellana and Joonie Gamboa) that have been stranded there since World War II. They nurse Russell back to health and teach him the way of the samurai. Meanwhile, back in the States, McGee moves in on Russell's wife Jayne (Jayne Kennedy) and young son Jimmy (played by James Iglehart's real-life son). Jayne wants nothing to do with McGee, so he interferes in her life, getting her fired from her job as a lounge singer and making sure she can't get another job in any of the other nightclubs around town. Broke and penniless, Jayne is forced to move in with one of her girlfriends, while McGee and Morelli cut a bloody path throughout L.A. trying to wrestle control of all the organized crime activity. Russell is eventually rescued by some American soldiers and he returns to L.A. to look for his wife, but he finds his house empty and up for sale. After finding out about McGee's treachery with his wife, Russell begins murdering all of McGee and Morelli's men with a samurai sword while searching for his wife. Not knowing that it is Russell who is killing their men (they still think he is dead), Morelli and McGee hire some outside muscle to fix their problem. Russell finally finds his wife and when he sets eyes on his young son for the first time, he puts his revenge plans on hold just long enough to make sweet love to his wife and play with his son in the park. Russell then gets back to work, killing the outside muscle, cutting off Morelli's head and delivering it to McGee (who is missing an ear, thanks to an earlier run-in with Russell) in a box. McGee retaliates by kidnapping Jayne and Jimmy and bringing them to his heavily-guarded house in Mexico. Russell shows up, chops-off a few heads and slices into McGee's stomach with his samurai sword in the film's finale. Ah, good-old Nip know-how saves the day!  Originally released to theaters under the title DEATH FORCE, this 70's revenge actioner, directed by Cirio H. Santiago (FLY ME - 1973; T.N.T. JACKSON - 1975), went through a title change in the early 80's to capitalize on Jayne Kennedy's (Santiago's THE MUTHERS - 1976) Playboy cover (the first black woman to do so) and then-husband Leon Isaac Kennedy's recent popularity in Jamaa Fanaka's PENITENTIARY (1979). James Iglehart (Santiago's SAVAGE - 1973; BAMBOO GODS AND IRON MEN - 1974) is actually the top-lined star here. There is fun to be had, especially the interaction between the two Japanese soldiers, who have been living alone together for so long on the island, they act more like an old married couple rather than soldiers. When Russell suddenly appears on the beach, you can see the jealousy in the eyes of the less-dominate soldier (Gamboa). When he accidentally dies after falling out of a coconut tree, you can view the hurt in the face of his long-standing partner (Avellana). When Russell gets rescued, the lone Japanese soldier chooses to stay behind (he even manages to kill one of the American soldiers in rememberance of the good old days) rather than face the new world. This section of the film is my favorite, as the rest of the film is standard gangster and revenge stuff. The first section of the film details the exploits of Morelli and McGee, as they slaughter a mob hangout with machinegun fire and then kill a mob bigshot and his men in an auto junkyard. The final third of the film is Russell's revenge spree. He slices and kicks his way through a cast of stuntmen until he gets even with Morelli and McGee. This contains all the regular Santiago trademarks: Bloody bullet squibs, numerous martial arts fights and a touch of gore, including Morelli's head in a box and a few pretty good decapitations in the finale. Jayne Kennedy also has a brief nude scene and delivers the film's best line. When McGee offers to be Jimmy's new daddy, she looks at him and says, "He don't need a mother like you to be his father!" Both Carmine Argenziano (Santiago's NAKED VENGEANCE - 1985) and Leon Isaac Kennedy scream out their lines shamelessly, as if everyone were deaf. The script was written by Howard R. Cohen, who also wrote the screenplays to Santiago's COVER GIRL MODELS (1975), VAMPIRE HOOKERS (1979) and STRYKER (1983). FIGHTING MAD (not to be confused with the 1976 action film starring Peter Fonda with the same name) is an OK slice of 70's sleaze. Also starring Tony Graziano, Leo Martinez, Ken Metcalfe, Armando Federico, Cathy Sabino, Roberto Gonzalez, Allen Arkus, Tony Carrion, Ramon D'Salva and Ernie Carvajal. Released on VHS from Continental Video and still awaiting a DVD Release. Rated R.

FINAL CUT (1986) - Stuntman turned actor Kelly Roberts (Jim Raines) travels down to Caddo County, Texas to film some stunt scenes for his newest picture and runs smack-dab into a child kidnapping ring. Kelly's stuntmen friends Smilie (scripter Jordan Williams) and Mark (Brett Rice) join Kelly for a night on the town and meet local girls Annie (Deborah Morehart) and Lou Ann (Carla DeLane) and also meet Sheriff Thompson (J. Don Ferguson), who seems to recognize Mark from an event that happened ten years earlier. Mark warns stunt co-ordinator Wes (T.J. Kennedy) not to trust the sheriff but will not explain why. A little boy goes missing from the hotel the film crew is staying at, which upsets Mark. Kelly starts up a romantic relationship with Lou Ann (who is the sheriff's stepdaughter) and Smilie does the same with Annie. The sheriff has his two hot-headed deputies, Deacon (Wes Foreshaw) and Carter (S.W. Miller), keep a close eye on the foursome. The sheriff corners Mark behind the bar, where we learn that Mark sold his girlfriend's son to the sheriff ten years ago. The sheriff has a lucrative side business where he and his men kidnap children and sell them to the highest bidder. Deacon and Carter knock out Smilie and Deacon rapes Annie. The sheriff then holds them captive in a cabin in the woods until he can figure out what to do with them. Kelly and Lou Ann arrive at Annie's house and find the door busted and a piece of Smilie's front tooth in a puddle of blood on the floor (which Carter broke off with pliers so he couldn't be called "Smilie" any more). When Wes is shot in the back and killed when he gets too close to the children's hideout, Kelly says enough is enough and tries to rescue Smilie and Annie. Marks ends up getting killed trying to save Kelly and Smilie. Kelly and his fellow stuntmen band together to rescue the group of stolen children the sheriff is holding hostage in a shack the deep woods. With a rocket boat and a machine gun at his disposal, Kelly makes mincemeat of the sheriff's men. One of the sheriff's "children" ends Thompson's wretched life with a bullet in his back. This is mainly a showcase for some pretty good stunts (an airplane lands on a moving tractor trailer, the opening motorcycle/car chase and the rocket boat jump) with a dash of mystery and social commentary thrown in for good measure. Director/producer Larry G. Brown (THE PINK ANGELS - 1971) uses the rural locations to good effect as cars race through dirt roads and crash through shacks and the river scenes where the rocket boat roars through the water are filmed with maximum impact. Things start relatively tame but, from the moment when Annie gets raped and Smilie has amateur dentistry performed on his front teeth, things get somewhat nasty. Brown treaded similar ground with his earlier PSYCHOPATH (1973), where children are the focal point in an otherwise unrelated plot. FINAL CUT is a decently acted action film that manages to hold your attention thanks to the natural interaction between the cast (you believe that Smilie, Kelly and Mark have known each other for years). One funny running gag concerns a double-jointed Smilie copping pain pills from an apprehensive film doctor, each time telling him, "This is the last time, I promise." Actress Deborah Morehart would later change her name to Hunter Tylo and appear in soap operas. A Vidmark Entertainment Release. Rated R.

FINAL SCORE (1986) - Absolutely crazy Indonesian action film that's wrong on so many levels, it makes it a must-viewing experience for anyone who loves mindless bloodshed. The mysterious and brutal Mr. Hawk (Mike Abbott), who shoots his own men for looking at him funny, sends his four best goons to kill Richard Brown (the always staid Chris Mitchum) before he can interfere with Hawk's criminal plans. The goons invade the birthday party of Brown's son Johnny (Dad is away at the store buying his son a toy gun at the time!), where they kill the help, shoot little Johnny in the back and gang-rape Brown's wife (One of the thugs says, "Wanna see what I got in my pocket? as he rapes her!), before shooting and killing her too. When Brown comes home and sees the carnage, he vows revenge and, boy, does he get it! After cornering one of Hawk's thugs and getting the names of the four goons who killed his son and raped his wife, Brown goes off with list in hand looking to do some major damage. Each of the four goons has their own gang, so it's a non-stop barrage of fighting, gunfights and explosions as Brown snaps necks, stabs, shoots and blows-up anyone and anything that gets in his way. He saves the best kills for the four thugs. One gets an axe planted in his back. Another gets shot in the balls and, as he is pleading for his life, Brown puts a bullet between his eyes. The third is blown-up by a grenade while trapped in his overturned car. The fourth one is tied to a chair, has both of his kneecaps shot-off as Brown places a timebomb on his crotch (BOOM!). Finally, Brown invades Hawk's compound with his trusty rocket and machine gun-equipped motorcycle and dispatches Hawk with a maneuver best seen to be believed. Let's just say gravity has nothing on Mr. Brown.  This is grand entertainment for those who like their action and bloodletting devoid of any logic at all. The carnage comes fast and furious, some of it so unbelievable you'll be shaking your head in amazement. In one scene, Brown is captured and being tortured by having his back branded with a red-hot poker. He then breaks free and shoves the same poker up the torturer's ass! There's also a perilous car chase/shootout through the streets of Jakarta that can best be described as delirious (especially the "tree through the windshield" and the "slippery tomatoes" gags). There are too many quotable lines of dialogue (supplied by screenwriter Deddy Armand) to mention, but my favorite one comes early in the film when a crook says to Brown: "Who are you?" Brown replies simply: "Death." No one ever accused Chris Mitchum of being a good actor (watch him trying to emote when he's being tortured to see him at his "best"), but he excels in roles like this where emotion is secondary to running around blowing up shit. Single-monikered director Arizal (SPECIAL SILENCERS - 1979; THE STABILIZER - 1984) delivers the goods in the action department as FINAL SCORE is non-stop from the get-go (so many buildings explode in this that you wonder if producer Gope T. Samtani was also in the housing renewal business) and he also sprinkles a healthy dose of black humor in some scenes. In one scene, where Brown is laying waste to one of Hawk's warehouses, one thug says to another, "You're not afraid to die, are you soldier?" The other one salutes, says "No sir!" and then is promptly gunned down by Brown. Priceless! The dialogue between the goons will make you laugh out loud as they spout line like, "Who are you calling an asshole, you asshole?!" and "Fuck you AND your mother!" So, leave your brain at the door, sit down, press PLAY and enjoy the show. Also starring Ida Iasha, Dicky Zulkarnaen and Zainal Abidin. Available from Vomitbag Video in a nice sharp transfer taken from Japan's Columbia Video label. What are you waiting for? Not Rated.

FIST OF GLORY (1991) - Here's a Filipino-made war actioner with a twist. A group of Army Special Forces commandos, led by Johnny Reynolds (Dale "Apollo" Cook; AMERICAN KICKBOXER 2 - 1993), are sent out on a top-secret mission in the jungles of Cambodia during the final months of the Vietnam War. During an intense battle with the enemy, where they are vastly outnumbered (there are more grenade and rocket explosions than you can shake a stick at), Johnny is seriously injured but is saved by his buddy and fellow team member James Lee (Maurice Smith: BLOODFIST II - 1990). Three months later, when Johnny is released from the hospital in Saigon, he goes to look up James to thank him for saving his life, only to discover that James has gone AWOL. Johnny finds out that James has become a hopeless heroin addict and is working for a Saigon drug lord named Mad Dog Dugan (Bob Larson; ANGELFIST - 1992), who enters James in a martial arts tournament called the Muay Thai Death Duel, where two people enter the Arena of Blood and only one comes out alive. Mad Dog keeps James so pumped-up with heroin that he hardly recognizes Johnny, so Johnny decides to enter the tournament to get close to James and, hopefully, save his life. Johnny teams up with trainer Max Gunther (Robert Marius; WARRIORS OF THE APOCALYPSE - 1985) to get in shape for a series of matches in the Arena of Blood, where Mad Dog promises him that if he wins, he can have a one-on-one match with James. If Johnny wins, he can permanently retire James from the ring and clean him up. Johnny wins all his matches and faces-off with James, who snaps out of his heroin haze long enough the recognize Johnny and they both escape the ring. This doesn't please Mad Dog, who now wants James back. While Johnny detoxes James (it only takes 24 hours!), Mad Dog kills Max, so Johnny and James use their military training to get some good-old American payback. Armed with automatic weapons and explosives, the duo lay waste to Mad Dog and his operation.  Since I try not to read the synopsis on the back of the VHS boxes before I watch a film (most of them give away too much information), I thought this film was going to be a straight war actioner (look at the front of the VHS box and you'll get the same impression). For the first twenty minutes it is, but then it takes a 180-degree turn and becomes a standard BLOODFIST-style martial arts flick and not a very good one at that. Director/screenwriter Jo(e) Mari Avellana (SPYDER - 1988; BLACKBELT II: FATAL FORCE - 1993), a frequent collaborator with prolific Filipino director Cirio H. Santiago (he wrote, or co-wrote, the screenplays to Santiago's FINAL MISSION [1984], FAST GUN [1987] and BEHIND ENEMY LINES [1987], as well as co-starring in his CAGED FURY [1983], SILK [1986], DEMON OF PARADISE [1987], among many others), can't seem to make up his mind what type of film he wanted to make here. It sure didn't help casting non-actor Dale "Apollo" Cook in the lead role, because he is one of the worst real-life martial artists-turned-B-movie action heroes to come out of the late-80's/early-90's. If his line readings were any stiffer, he would be laying on a morgue table waiting for the rib-spreader. Director Avellana, who seems to have a fetish for explosions, does infuse the war portion of the film with a sense of verve (something he picked up, no doubt, from Santiago) and the final ten minutes are also action-packed, but the majority of this flick is just a tired rehash of countless other martial arts tournament films. Since Avellana also wrote the screenplay to the wacky-beyond-words THE KILLING OF SATAN (1983), I'll give him a pass on FIST OF GLORY. Besides, he does manage to include the appearance of a midget during one of the fight sequences. Is there anything more adorable than watching a tiny person running around in nothing but a pair of shorts? No, there isn't! Just what is the Philippines' fascination with dwarves anyway? Is there something in the water supply? The country seems to be overrun with the little suckers. Also starring Eric Hahn, Jim Moss, Tonichi Fructuoso, Geno Bolda, Tony Cooper, Ernie Santana, Jim Gaines and Joe Fischer. A Vidmark Entertainment Release. Not available on DVD. Rated R.

FIVE DEADLY ANGELS (1980) - The success of TV's CHARLIE'S ANGELS (1976 - 1981) spawned many imitators, including this Indonesian action flick. A scientist named Hardy invents a new type of explosive ("With this type of formula, people can blow up mountains without any danger!" What? How is that fucking possible?), but he worries about it falling into the wrong hands ("If crooks get a hold of it, imagine the bloody big bang it would cause!" What a minute, I thought it was safe!). Immediately after making those statements, Hardy and his girlfriend Yanti (Yati Octavia) are kidnapped, blindfolded and taken to the home of the big boss, Mr. Brutho, who tells Hardy that he either hands over the formula or he will kill Yanti. Fortunately, Yanti (who is an expert marksman) escapes and is saved on the side of a road by Anita (Debby Cynthia Dewi; MYSTICS IN BALI - 1981), a chick in a black leather outfit (complete with black cowboy hat) who beats the crap out of one of Mr. Brutho's goons in super slow-motion, destroying his car in the process. Anita agrees to help Yanti in her quest to rescue her boyfriend (It seems Anita is tired of being mistreated by the "greasers" in town), but first they have to save Yanti's mother and young sister from the clutches of some kidnappers, leading to a comedic car chase that ends with the kidnappers dying in a fiery crash (Not so funny now, is it?). Yanti and Anita stop at a disco for some drinks (Killing bad guys makes you thirsty. It's a known fact. Look it up.), where they watch Dana (Dana Christina; THE STABILIZER - 1984) sing a disco tune in Indonesian and she agrees to help in Yanti's plight (Dana is an expert knife thrower as well as a singer). The trio turns into a quartet when crossbow expert Lydia (Lydia Kandou) joins the team and then turns into a quintet when kung-fu expert Lulu, The Lightning Lady (Eva Arnaz; THE WARRIOR - 1981) takes up arms to join the fight. Lulu beats the snot out of a male motorcycle gang in a restaurant (complete with transvestite waitress!), where in one hilarious scene, a restaurant patron swallows a raw egg and coughs-up a live baby chick! When two of Brutho's goons kidnap Anita, the other four girls rescue her and tie-up the two goons, leaving each one of them a "gift": a live crab shoved down their pants! When Mr. Brutho is finally successful in kidnapping Yanti's mother and baby sister, Yanti and the four superhero chicks perform a daring raid on Brutho's compounds, resulting in death, destruction (including one hellacious explosion) and a helicopter rescue, where each of the women use their individual talents to good effect. Hooray for female power!  This is a hilariously bad action flick, complete with awful dubbing (where everyone speaks with an Australian accent), badly-staged action scenes (which are either cranked-up in the camera way too fast or way too slow, giving some sequences, such as the car chases, a Keystone Kops feel, and other sequences, such as the women running or fighting in super slow-motion, a SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN look, complete with the patented Steve Austin sound effects!) and comedy mixed with sudden tragedy. That's what makes these Indonesian action films so wonderful to watch. No matter how hard you try, you can't possibly anticipate what's to come next. Director/screenwriter Danu Umbara (JUNGLE VIRGIN FORCE - 1982) consistantly surprises the viewer here, such as when Lydia's obese female assistant Fatsy pisses in her pants when Lydia shoots an apple off her head with a crossbow or the head-scratching sequence where Dana breaks out into song to cheer-up Yanti and we're then treated to a pre-MTV music video montage of Dana singing on a beach while wearing a variety of bikinis. Particularly funny is the dastardly Mr. Brutho, who precedes all his dialogue by saying "I'm a good man!" and then doing simply awful things, like shooting his own men for fucking-up, siccing his dogs on his girlfriend for trying to help Hardy escape or hanging Yanti's young sister over a pit of poisonous snakes to force Hardy to turn over the formula. The film is also full of oddball characters (one of Brutho's best goons has a scar on the side of his face that looks like a giant leech), explosions and a smattering of gore, so why not sit back, put your brain in neutral and just get lost in the craziness that is known as FIVE DEADLY ANGELS? It's worth the dead brain cells. Danu Umbara directed a sequel the following year, CEWEK JAGOAN BERASKI KEMBALI (which roughly translated means "The Deadly Angels Strike Back"), starring Dewi, Christina and Arnaz, but it doesn't seem to have received an English-friendly home video release. Also starring Rakhmat Hidayat, Cok Simbara, Dorman Borisman, Agust Melasz, Ade Irawan, Suzy Bolle, Malino Djunaedy, Ramli Ivar, Evie Susanto and Eddy Yonathan. Never legitimately available on U.S. home video, the print I viewed was sourced from a Dutch-subtitled VHS tape. Those fucking Dutch were very lucky bastards. Not Rated.

GOLD RAIDERS (1983) - A plane containing $200 million in gold bars is shot down while flying over Laos. The CIA, working with the Thai government, sends a team, led by ex-lovers Mark Banner (a badly-dubbed Robert Ginty) and Cordelia Dubois (Sarah Lagenfeld), to retrieve the gold in the crashed plane in the Laos jungle before the enemy gets their hands on it to purchase weapons for their revolution. Before they take off, one of the team members is captured by an opium warlord (simply called "Chief") and he agrees to lead the warlord's men to the gold in exchange for his life and a share of the gold. Mark, Cordelia and the team (with a new member to replace the captured one) paddle down the Mekong River disguised as gooks and are almost captured by enemy soldiers, but the appearance of a shark (!) enables them to get away. While Cordelia is scuba diving looking for a missing weapons cache, some enemy scuba divers appear and, before you know it, there's a major underwater speargun/knife-fight underway. Mark, Cordelia and the team (now known simply as the Gold Raiders) get away, thanks to some well-placed underwater mines and submergable water scooters. They make it to an enemy outpost, where we witness a bald-headed Thai General (Pichai Vasnasong) with a wooden leg rape a woman and then kill two of his own men when they don't repair a broken American helicopter fast enough (he grabs an automatic rifle and shoots the helicopter, blowing it to smithereens, along with the two mechanics). After the General leaves, the Gold Raiders kill all the enemy soldiers at the outpost and meet their secret connection, who supplies Mark with a prototype flying "missile motorcycle" that runs on magic "crystals" rather than gasoline. The evil General is assigned by his superiors to find the missing gold, so he goes to a jungle village (where the local dogs surround him and try to bite his wooden leg!) and tries to locate one of the downed plane's pilots, who parachuted out of the plane before it crashed and is now hopelessly in love with a local blind girl. The pilot and the blind girl find the Gold Raiders instead and now it's a race between three parties to find the crashed plane and the missing gold. Who will come out on top?  I seriously wanted to dislike this film from the moment I heard Robert Ginty's (THE EXTERMINATOR - 1980; WHITE FIRE - 1982) poorly-dubbed voice (I guess they couldn't pay him enough to stick around and dub his own voice), but the fact of the matter is that this Thailand-lensed flick, directed/produced by P. (Philip) Chalong (real name: Chalong Pakdivijit; H-BOMB - 1971; KUNG FU BROTHERS - 1973; THE LOST IDOL - 1990; IN GOLD WE TRUST - 1990), is so goofy and full of "What The Fuck?" moments, it won me over almost immediately (In the beginning of the film, the downed plane's pilot deploys his parachute and crashes through the roof of a hut. The blind girl asks, "What's that noise?" A little boy answers, "Someone's dropped in!"). There's also a half-hearted attempt at social relevance about taking sides in a political war where there can be no winners, but it's hard to take it seriously when the film is full of scenes like the one where the drunk General picks the tribal leader's daughter ("Hey, I want that young one there!") and removes his wooden leg before he rapes her, only to have his leg stolen by the tribal leader's dog! There's also the scene where the missile motorcycle (it's nothing but a motor scooter mounted on a hang glider) takes flight in the air, but not before magically sprouting two huge training wheels on the back wheel (Where the hell did they come from?). Toss in two attacks by the biggest red-eyed vampire bats I've ever seen, lots of bloody violence (stabbings, bullet hits, knives tossed into the foreheads of enemy soldiers, exploding bodies and a hatchet to the neck) and an American villian called "Dr. Pinkeye", and what you end up with is a nonsensical, thoroughlly entertaining action flick with a few surprises along the way. My favorite line comes towards the end of the film when Cordelia is shot dead by an enemy soldier and Mark looks at her body and says, "Is she dead?" Simply priceless. At 109 minutes, GOLD RAIDERS little overlong, but it still manages to hold your interest throughout. Leave your brain at the door and enjoy the ride. Also starring William Stevens, Dusty Rhodes (not the wrestler with the same name), Sombat Krung Ron, Manop Noppol Reed, Nawarat Lalana Vasana and Somchai Poom Rong. A Media Home Entertainment Release. Not Rated.

THE GREAT SKYCOPTER RESCUE (1980) - What a total piece of crap! This is the type of film where everyone exists in some type of screwed-up alternate universe, where a radio disc jockey wears a space suit (complete with helmet) while doing a solo show in his cramped booth and everyone owns their own portable flight machine (be it airplane, glider, hot air balloon or skycopter). When a motorcycle gang blows up the van of radio disc jockey Jimmy Jet (Terry Michos), amateur pilot Will Powerski (Paul Tanashian) drops out of the sky in one of his hand-built portable airplanes and offers Jimmy a ride home. After explaining his last name to Jimmy by simply stating, "I'm Polish!", Will flies Jimmy to his home and shows Jimmy his newest invention, the "skycopter", a combination helicopter/airplane. The main plot deals with oil being found underneath the town of Libertyville and a crooked real estate developer, by the name of Mr. L.B. Jason (William 'BLACULA' Marshall, in an embarassing low point in his career), who tries to keep the oil discovery secret and attempts to buy all of Libertyville's land. He hires the same motorcycle gang that blew up Jimmy's van to terrorize the town and, with the help of corrupt Sheriff Burgess (Aldo Ray, who else?), Mr. Jason plans on scaring all the townspeople out of their homes, thereby buying their properties at rock-bottom prices. Will and Jimmy become fast friends and then business partners. They soon catch on to Mr. Jason's plan and battle the motorcycle gang from the air. That's about the whole plot in a nutshell. The rest of the unrelenting 96 minute running time is filled with endless scenes of skycopters in flight (a late 70's fad that, thankfully, never caught on because they are noisy as hell), a motorcycle gang that is about as scary as a toothless old woman gumming corn on the cob and some of the worst action scenes in late 70's cinema. The finale finds Will calling on all his friends, who all own one type of flying machine or another, to lead an aerial assault on the town of Libertyville, as they drop explosives on the bikers while Wagner's "Flight Of The Valkryies" plays on the soundtrack. The town then celebrates at a disco. You've been hustled!  When you find out that this film was directed/produced and co-written by Lawrence D. Foldes, who also made the notoriously-bad films NIGHTSTALKER (1979), YOUNG WARRIORS (1983) and NIGHTFORCE (1986), you basically know what to expect here: Bad acting, awkwardly-staged action sequences and some washed-up stars earning some extra booze money (Aldo Ray stayed smashed thanks to roles in films like this). Most of the film plays like some G-rated kiddie fare but, every once in a while, Foldes throws in a swear word or some nudity (including some bare-assed shots of male stars Michos and Tanashian) to try to fool you into believing that you're watching something adult. William Marshall seems to have filmed all his scenes on one set in a single day. He looks extremely embarassed spouting such cringe-worthy dialogue like, "That lard-ass sheriff can be bought with a keg of beer!" or "Oh God, how I love to take advantage of the underdogs!" in his distinctive baritone voice. It's like watching Sir Laurence Olivier perform in a Three Stooges short. The motorcycle gang seen here is about as frightening as a bunch of 3 year-olds on tricycles. Their idea of scaring the town into submission consists of setting cars on fire, disrupting some drive-in restaurant customers' meals and one gang member steals a girl's ice cream cone! GILLIGAN'S ISLAND's Professor, Russell Johnson, puts in a quick cameo as Will's friend, Professor Benson (typecasting 101), who supplies Will with all the explosives he'll need to take back the town from those nasty bikers. This awful action film was filmed in 1980, but wasn't released until 1982. Doesn't that tell you all you need to know? Believe it or not, this film was "Produced in association with the Academy of Science Fiction and Horror Films Internship Program". That could explain why that academy's president, Dr. Donald A. Reed, was Casting Director here. Also starring Alex Mann, Terri Taylor, Maria Rebman, Kim Johnson and Richard Adams. This Cannon Films Release escaped on home video courtesy of MGM/UA Home Video. Not Rated.

HOLLOW POINT (1995) - All action films should be this entertaining. A deft blend of comedy and action, this film is sure to please even the most jaded filmgoer. An ex-DEA agent (Thomas Ian Griffith, the vampire master in John Carpenter’s VAMPIRES - 1998) and an FBI agent (Tia Carrere) join forces with a loony hitman (an unbelievably funny Donald Sutherland) to bring down a nasty financier (John Lithgow) who is instrumental in bringing together the three largest criminal organizations of the world. Hundreds of millions of dollars are at stake and everyone has their reasons for getting their hands on it. Laugh out loud funny (how many action films can make that statement?), this film could have failed miserably but, thanks to the four leads, it hits nearly every one of its’ marks. Griffith impresses as the pill-popping DEA agent who shows some real comedic talent, both verbal and physical. He and Carrere (who was also in the excellent THE IMMORTALS - 1995) have great chemistry together. Witness the scene where they display their love by shooting each other in their bulletproof vests! It’s hilarious. The real standout, though, is Sutherland as the lovable, but dangerous hitman. His performance is great fun. John Lithgow is no slouch either. We all know his comedic talent is immense. But an action film is nothing without the action. Director Sidney J. Furie (DR. BLOOD’S COFFIN -1962, THE ENTITY - 1983) brings it on fast and furious, with car crashes, gun battles and hand-to-foot combat on ample view. This movie is fun to watch, unlike Furie’s SUPERMAN 4 (1987) and LADYBUGS (1992). After viewing HOLLOW POINT, I forgive him for his past sins. Don’t take my word for it, rent it. A Trimark H.V. Release. Rated R.

HOLLYWOOD COP (1986) - You know you're in for something very "special" when, in the opening credits, the actors' names are shown as stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. The ineptitude that follows is truly staggering. The film opens with Mob boss Mr. Feliciano (the stoic Jim Mitchum) ordering his goons to kidnap a little boy from mother Rebecca (Julie Schoen), whose husband stole six million dollars from Mr. Feliciano three years earlier (why he's ordering the kidnap now, rather than three years ago, is never explained). Unable to locate her husband or come up with six million dollars for the ransom, Rebecca turns to Hollywood cop Turquoise (David Goss), or "Turquey" for short. We first spot Turquey breaking up a rape in a motel room, where everyone involved is shot multiple times and the rapist has his hand, then head, cut off by the raped woman's husband (you have to see it to believe it). After being chewed-out by boss Cameron Mitchell, Turquey and partner Jaguar (exploitation vet Lincoln Kilpatrick) help Rebecca find her son. This leads to an all-woman oil wrestling match, where Jaguar wrestles two women for $20 and afterwards they get an address for Rebecca's husband. They find him but he needs three days to get the money together.  He finally gets the money (I guess nothing happened for three days) and they devise a plan to rescue the boy (it's not much of a plan, really). Meanwhile, the little boy, who is always being threatened with physical harm by a goon named Animal ("Eat your sandwich, you little chicken-shit!"), befriends a dog he talks to through his barred window. The dog helps the kid escape (!), which leads to a chase where the dog is killed and the kid being smacked around by Animal.  When Rebecca's husband tries to pay the ransom with counterfeit money (he's not the sharpest tool in the shed), he is killed and the kid is not rescued. Turquey is booted off the force after the failed rescue attempt and then goes on a one man vendetta to bring those responsible to justice or to just meet their maker.  I can't begin to explain the wonderful awfulness of the Iranian-funded film. Director Amir Shervan, who would later make the even more loopy SAMURAI COP (1989), hasn't the foggiest idea how to make a remotely coherent film. The camera setups are all over the place (no two edits in the same scene ever match), the action laughable (There's one scene where Jim Mitchum is running with the kid in his arms and he trips and falls right on the kid! I doubt that it was scripted.), the acting piss-poor (It's apparent the director used a lot of non-actor friends in the roles of Feliciano's goons, probably because they contributed to the budget.) and the dialogue risable ("You're no Clint Westwood." and "My stomach is a TUMS festival!" are two lines Cameron Mitchell has to deliver with a straight face.). The film is also a racist's dream as there are jokes about Orientals not being able to say the word "Chevrolet" correctly, jokes about Blacks being on welfare (not to mention Jaguar being portrayed as someone more interested in chasing women than dispensing justice) and the film is strewn with Italians with names like "Spaghetti".  Toss in copious amounts of nudity, bad dubbing, over-the-top violence, gore and Aldo Ray as an Oriental Triad boss named Mr. Fong and what you get is the PLAN 9 of action films. Many of the scenes look like they were shot in one take (some people can be seen waiting for the director to yell "Action" before they move) and it's plain to see that Jim Mitchum (CODE NAME: ZEBRA - 1986) looks like he want out as soon as possible. Still, it's entertaining, even if it's for all the wrong reasons. Know this before you go in and you may have a great time. Also starring Troy Donahue, Larry Lawrence and Brandon Angle. A Digital Works DVD Release. Not Rated.

HUMAN PREY (1994)  -  Shot on video crapola about a psychiatrist (Cliff Drew) who goes over the edge and begins murdering people, including his own patients. This extremely low rent version of THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME has absolutely nothing to offer the viewer as it is wretchedly acted, poorly scripted, badly photographed and sound recorded with two tin cans and a string. I hate shot on video movies and I can usually spot them from a mile away. The video distributors must be getting wise to my technique as they are releasing shit like this with flashy, professionally-done video boxes to disguise the fact that there’s crap inside. I really believe that if it is shot on video it should say so on the box. This piece of dreck also stars Gloria Lusiak, Mickey Levy and Lena Pointer. They, along with director/writer James Tucker, should be forced to watch this turd over and over for all eternity. From Vista Street Entertainment Home Video (who turn out those wretched WITCHCRAFT films), a company that will get no more of my business. Not Rated.

THE INTRUDER (1986) - This amazing piece of Indonesian action trash, produced (by the Punjabi Brothers), written (by Deddy Armand) and starring (Peter O'Brian and several others) the same people responsible for the must-see action flick THE STABILIZER (1984), is another beyond-belief experience. In the opening minutes, we are introduced to Rambu (O'Brian), an out-of-work ex-cop who saves a woman from two thugs who have hit her with their car (One thug says to the woman, "Hey lady, look where you're walking!" She replies, "I was!"). Rambu breaks the car's windows with a pipe, beats up the thugs and, to teach them a lesson, repeatedly hits them in the head with his gravity-defying multi-colored rubber ball, which returns to his hand after every throw. Unfortunately, the thugs work for drug kingpin John White (Craig Gavin), who orders his men to kill Rambu. They trap him in a phone booth, put a black cloth sack over his head and beat him with pipes, but he breaks free and beats the bejesus out of them. Mr. White gets mad (He says, "Rambu, Rambu, Rambu! I'm sick and tired of hearing that name!") and orders his right-hand man Bram (Kandar Sinyo) to do whatever it takes to get rid of Rambu. Three of White's men rape and kill Rambu's friend Jenny (Jenny Farida) after stripping her naked in a lake (One thug says, "I'm your lover now!"). When Rambu finds out, he goes to a pool hall where he's about to kill the thugs responsible for Jenny's death, when the police arrest him. He agrees to work for government men Mr. Andre (Kaharuddin Syah) and Steve (Harry Capri) to bring Mr. White to justice. White has his men kidnap Rambu's girlfriend Ella (Lia Warokka) and tie her up spread-eagle in the middle of a field as bait (This is after Mr. White tries to rape her, but is interrupted by his girlfriend). Rambu, his friend Bobby (Adrian Nugraha) and a dozen men come to her rescue riding in three-wheeled electric carts in a scene that must be seen to be believed. Rambu gets Mr. White's safe combination after he beats up Bram then, dressed as a black ninja, goes to White's office and steals incriminating documents out of the safe and hands them over to Mr. Andre. We then find out that Mr. Andre is as crooked as Mr. White, as he uses the documents to bribe Mr. White out of a million dollars. When Rambu finds out, the shit (not to mention lots of food) hits the fan. Rambu goes Rambo in the explosive finale.  This crazy action flick, directed by Jopi Burnama (FEROCIOUS FEMALE FREEDOM FIGHTERS - 1982; WAR VICTIMS - 1985), is full of so many wild action sequences (I still laugh out loud every time I picture Rambu and his rubber ball of doom) and quotable dialogue, your head will swim. My favorite sequence comes at a banquet, when Rambu finds out that Mr. Andre is on the take. He enters the banquet with an aluminum bat and proclaims, "Fuck you! You dirty, lying, swindling bastards. You're two of a kind. Fuck you!" and then proceeds to smash all the food on the tables! In slow motion! Other choice bits of dialogue are: "Just hold it right there, Rambu. We've got you covered like a blanket!" and "Give him the blood red carpet treatment!" Priceless stuff. I also love how Mr. White manages to kill more of his own people than the opposition. He kills his best female drug mule (for ratting to the police), his right-hand man Bram (for giving up the safe combination) and girlfriend Clara (for turning on him). He's one tough man to work for! The final sequence, where Rambu ties a red bandana around his forehead and seeks revenge cements this film from ever getting a legal release on home video in the United States. Forget for the moment that his name is "Rambu", Peter O'Brian bears such a striking resemblance to Sylvester Stallone (not to mention his brother Frank) in the finale, the makers of the RAMBO series of films would surely sue for copyright infringement if this were ever released in America. If you like your action at a fast-pace clip (who doesn't?) and making about as much sense as our present goverment's war policies (If I got hit that many times on the head with a pipe, as Rambu did in the telephone booth sequence, I would either be dead or a drooling vegetable), this is the film for you. I love those crazy Indonesians! Also starring Dana Christina, Adang Mansyur and Welan Gerung. The version I viewed was a dub from a Greek-subtitled letterboxed VHS on the Master Home Video label. Not Rated. NOTE: The end credits list Craig Gavin's character as "John Smith" and Lia Warokka's character as "Angela" even though it's plain to hear many times as them being referred to as "John White" and "Ella".

I WANT TO GET EVEN (1987) - Indonesia: Where everyone knows how to fight, women are cheap and bad guys are bald. At least in their movies, that is. This Indonesian rape/revenge action flick (from Rapi Films, Indonesia's main purveyor of sleazy entertainment) opens with a bald, sweaty guy trying to rape a woman in his bed. When she fights back, he gives up and has his men toss her out of the house (his men blindfold and tie her hands behind her back with strips of cloth torn from her dress and then roll her down a hill!). The bald guy (everyone calls him "Boss", a fairly common name in Indonesian genre films) then smokes a joint while scantily-clad women practice martial arts around him. We then cut to him drinking in a disco, where we learn that his real name is Cobra (Rengga Takengon). He hits on cashier Irma (Eva Arnaz), but she turns him down, which doesn't make Cobra happy at all. The film then switches to Rudy (Clift Sangra), who is the husband of Irma, who is pregnant. Rudy has major anger issues, especially when he gets sexually excited. Whenever he gets aroused, he turns violent, which is not good news for Irma and the baby in her belly, especially since her doctor warns Irma that she's going to have a rough pregnancy and any violent jerks or pulls could endanger her baby. Meanwhile, Cobra has his men return to the disco and kidnap Irma (What???). They shoot her up with heroin and place her on Cobra's bed (One of Cobra's men says to him, "Enjoy yourself!"). When Irma fights back, Cobra gives her to his men and they gang-rape her (When one guy is done, another one says to him, "That was quick!"). She escapes before they can kill her and she is picked-up by a friendly pedicab driver and taken home. We then switch to Rudy, who dumps Irma out of his speeding car when he finds out that her baby is the product of the gang-rape by Cobra's men (He says to Irma, just before she flys out the door, "You and your baby are going straight to Hell!"). After slapping around a prostitute, Rudy questions the pedicab driver that drove Irma home and he then goes to beat-up Cobra's men (in an awful display of martial arts), but he is badly punched-around instead. Luckily, the police show up and save his ass, but the bad guys get away. Rudy then throws Irma out of their home when she refuses to get an abortion ("Leave now! I never want to see your face again!"). Things take a turn into the Twilight Zone when Rudy rapes Mia (Nenna Rosier), the sister of Cobra's top henchman Ronnie (Hendro Tangkilisan), in retribution for Irma's rape. Ronnie and his men then ride their motorcycles through Rudy's home, tie him up, drag him behind a motorcycle until they get to Ronnie's hideout and then beat him to a bloody pulp ("I'll teach you for messin' with my sister!"). Irma gets the abortion (We get to see the bloody, aborted fetus!) and Rudy takes her back. Rudy then goes to Ronnie's hideout and kills a couple of Ronnie's men with gunfire. He then heads to Cobra's house, where Ronnie, Mia, Cobra, Rudy and the police duke it out. Irma then shows up dressed like Rambo (!) and kills Cobra with a nifty rocket launcher. What the hell?!?  It's really hard to keep on track with this film because it's told in a confusing, non-linear manner. The dubbing, as always, is atrociously hilarious (You never know what's going to come out of people's mouths, such as when Cobra rapes Mia. He says to her, "Your brother said you'd love it!" while his female goon, who is listening downstairs, performs fellatio on her own thumb!). Let's talk about Cobra for a moment. Besides looking like Sid Haig's retarded brother, it seems that he spends 90% of his screen time raping women while dressed in nothing but white briefs. He's a rather ineffectual rapist, too, as the only woman he really rapes is Mia. When the other women fight back, he loses interest quickly and tosses them to his men. For a film that deals with so much rape, there's very little nudity. The women usually keep their bras and panties on or are filmed at angles where objects in the forefront cover their naughty bits. There is some nudity, but it is only a couple of quick frames and you'll have to hit the Pause button if you want to get a good look. Director Maman Firmansjah (ESCAPE FROM HELL HOLE - 1983) hasn't got the slightest clue how to establish continuity or film an action scene. The timeline is non-existant (I was scratching my head on several occasions, especially with Irma's scenes) and the finale contains the slowest car chase and badly-choreographed fight scenes I've ever seen in an Indonesian actioner (and that's saying a lot). It does contain a nifty body explosion, though, followed by a quote from the Bible! It's still hard to fault a film when the most sympathetic character is Ronnie, a drug dealer and arms smuggler, since he's the only male member of the cast who doesn't rape anyone! He also gives an impassioned speech in the finale, begging his men to give up to the police and accept their punishment. They refuse and Ronnie is shot dead a few seconds later. Ah, Indonesia, how I love thee! Also known as COMMANDO WILDCAT, LADY EXTERMINATOR and VIOLENT ASSASSIN. Also starring Indonesian staples Dicky Zulkarnaen, I.M. Damsyik, Godfried Sancho, Alfian, Tuty Kusnendar and Yona S. Kamarullah. Originally available on VHS in the U.S. from All Seasons Entertainment. Not Rated.

JUNGLE HEAT (1984) - During the final months of the Vietnam War, the U.S. hires a bunch of Vietnam locals to drive supply trucks behind enemy lines. Gordon (a horrendously dubbed Sam J. Jones of FLASH GORDON [1980]) is given three weeks to train them for combat and weapons use and, since they are volunteers and not enlisted men, he wants to tell them how dangerous their assignment is, but his Captain (Christopher Doyle) refuses to let him (The Captain has no problems with the locals losing their lives on this mission and goes off on a rant on how he's tired of this war and would rather be at home with his wife. Duh!). After a long and boring segment where we watch Gordon and Nguyen (Bobby Ming) train the volunteer squad and pit them against each other on a mock driving obstacle course, the film kicks into gear. The squad goes on their first real assignment, driving a convoy of trucks on a dangerous road behind enemy lines. It goes off relatively smooth (except for some spikes in the road), so they all go to a strip club to celebrate and get into a bar fight with some drunk American soldiers (a common theme in films of this type). The film begins to get weird when we see some Vietcong gooks soak local men with gasoline while they are tied to the ground. They then set a (real) rat on fire and set it loose. The gooks then place bets on which of the gasoline-soaked locals the rat will run across, setting them on fire and slowly burning them in an agonizing death (The one local who comes out unscathed is also set on fire once the contest is over!). The volunteer squad's second assignment doesn't go well at all. One of the trucks loses it's brakes, goes over an embankment and explodes. The entire squad is then taken prisoner by the Vietcong (the same gooks involved in the flaming rat episode) and brought to a jungle camp, where they are tortured. One guy is buried up to his neck out in the hot sun, has the hair on his head shaved off and the top of his head slit in two with a razor, exposing his brain. It doesn't end there. The camp's long-haired torturer pours a bottle of poison into the open wound (we know it's poison because the bottle has a picture of a skull and crossbones on it!) and the poor buried sap screams out in pain (we hear a bubbling sound as he screams). The man is in so much pain, he manages to jump out of his dirt-filled hole before he dies! The rest of the film is a series of tortures, escapes and retribution, as members of the squad are beaten, hung upside-down, and bloodily abused. Nguyen (who has his hands impaled together) manages to escape , by painfully pulling his hands down and removing the spike the hard way, and frees his comrades. Nguyen recuperates from his wounds and then leads his men on another convoy mission. On their way back, they hear on the radio that the war is over, but they are ambushed by the enemy (I guess they didn't hear). Some of the men are recaptured by the long-haired torturer, while Nguyen and the rest of his squad must traverse a boobytrap-filled jungle. Nguyen makes it back to safety and hires some soldiers of fortune to free his friends when the Americans refuse to help (The war is over after all). They manage to save one comrade and kill the long-haired torturer. Be prepared for an ironic and pathos-filled ending. I laughed so hard, I nearly split my pants!  This Hong Kong action film doesn't have much to offer the viewer besides tons of hilariously-bad dialogue and a few good deaths, but you'll have to slog through some boring spots to get there. The worst (and most confusing) parts of the film concerns a strip club bar girl who is constantly berating customers about loyalty and how her "dreams have been shattered". It makes no sense. The whole film in general makes no sense, as director/co-scripter Jobic Wong (who seems to have no other directorial credits, but plenty of acting roles) tells the story in such a fragmented manner, it's hard to keep up. One minute Nguyen and his men are being tortured and the next minute we're watching a bunch of men on motorcycles trying to ride underneath a moving logging truck to win a $40,000 cash prize (one guy gets crushed under the wheels of the truck). It's confusing as hell, as if we're watching a film through the eyes of a retard. There are some pretty decent death and torture scenes, including the aforementioned poison scene, a guy getting cut in half with a manual tree saw, a pickaxe impalement, a beheading and a guy (whose mouth is forced open) being made to drink water until he looks like he's pregnant (it's a riff of a scene from CALIGULA - 1979). The problem is, most of these scenes come in the film's final twenty minutes. I could have done without the live rat on fire scene, though (It's plain to see that Hong Kong never heard of the ASPCA). Sam J. Jones is wasted in his role and disappears through most of the film. He doesn't take part in any of the action until the conclusion. Speaking of the conclusion, the final three minutes are so heavy-handed and unexpected, you'll probably vacate your bowels due to the ridiculousness of it all. As far as this film goes, this will probably best sum it up: Watch it for the deaths, stay for the brain damage. Not to be confused with the Peter Fonda-starrer JUNGLE HEAT (1983; aka: DANCE OF THE DWARVES), directed by Gus Trikonis (THE SWINGING BARMAIDS - 1975). Also starring Craig Scott Galper, Chin Horn (I think I knew a girl who played the chin horn!), Lenny Bryce, Robert M. Delahunt, Chen Sing, Lily Ngugen and Lawrence Fang. The print I viewed came from a Greek-subtitled VHS tape, but it is available on DVD from British company Moonstone Entertainment and on German DVD from New Entertainment (English-dubbed version included). Since I have seen neither of these DVDs, I can't verify if they are unedited. Not Rated.

JUNGLE RATS (1987) - When a convoy, that includes General Douglas Conrad (Mike Monty) as a passenger, is ambushed by the VC in South Vietnam in 1968, the General and some of his men are taken prisoner and kept in cages in a secret underground tunnel. The U.S. Government sends five elite "Tunnel Rats" to rescue the General, which consists of team leader John "Blackstar" Smith (Rom Kristoff), communication specialist Jim "Batman" Benson (Michael Welborne), demolitions expert Randy "Boom Boom" Ellis (Jerry Bailey), hothead Pete "Killer" Rayo (Jim Gaines) and tracker Kit Scout (Richard King), a former enemy soldier. The mission is code named "Jungle Rats" and, right off the bat, Smith and Rayo don't see eye-to-eye (When Rayo wants to attack an enemy village, Smith tells him, "Shut your filthy mouth and get back to your place!"). While they are searching the jungle for the entrance to the tunnel, they are attacked by a platoon of enemy soldiers and forced to retreat (Rayo says, "There are a lot of gooks out there!"). When Scout is leading them on a new course, he steps on a land mine, but Smith saves him by using a boulder to replace Scout's weight (If Rayo had his way, he would rather see Scout blow up in a million pieces.). The group meet their inside contact, Mai (Marilyn Lang), in a deserted shack in the jungle (She says to Rayo, "Don't call me bitch!", when he wants to kill her) and she takes them down river to the entrance of the tunnel. Meanwhile, General Conrad  and his men are being tortured (They deliver a human heart to the General's cell and tell him it belongs to one of his men!) and the exasperated General makes a tape recording renouncing the United States' role in the war to make the killing of his men stop. (Turns out the the gooks tricked him, as the heart delivered to his cell wasn't a human one after all.). After Smith and his squad split up to check out some "spider holes" (small tunnels manned by Vietcong snipers), they capture female enemy soldier Votimo (Nancy Hung), who is about to give them the General's location when Rayo rapes and kills her. The squad finally rescue the General, but not before Mai, Ellis, Benson and Rayo (who comes down with a case of tunnel fever) are all killed, either by the enemy or at their own squad's hands.  This Filipino war action film, directed by Teddy Page (BLOOD DEBTS - 1983), using the pseudonym "Irvin Johnson", is a pretty good action flick that has lots of firefights, explosions and even a few surprisingly graphic bits of male and female nudity. Filled with plenty of familiar faces in Philippines-lensed action films, it's nice to see Jim Gaines (RESCUE TEAM - 1983; COMMANDO INVASION - 1986) get a big role for a change, probably because he wrote the uncredited screenplay. Since he's the protangonist of the group (he doesn't trust anyone and wants to kill everyone and everything that gets in his way), he gets the best lines and does the most outrageous things (including the rape of Votimo, whom he brazenly kills before she can tell them the General's location and the cold-blooded murder of fellow squad member Ellis, whom he shoots just for being injured by enemy fire!). When he finally goes full-tilt crazy in a spider hole and tries to kill Smith, his death becomes one of the film's strangest moments. His story is the film's most engaging and director Page wisely devotes the lion's share of screen time on him. You're really not to sure what to make of him until the rape/murder of Votimo, when he reveals that he's nothing but a psychopath in a military uniform. If you like fast-paced war films, with plenty of bullet squibs and explosions (the slow-motion shot of Smith outrunning shacks blowing up behind him in the finale is quite impressive, as is Benson's self-sacrifice, where he takes out a slew of gooks while holding an active grenade), you could do a lot worse than JUNGLE RATS. The plot to this film was rejiggered a bit and remade as BATTLE RATS the following year. Also starring Ronnie Patterson, David Anderson, Eric King and John Miles. Never legally available on home video in the United States, the dub I viewed was ripped from a Greek-subtitled VHS tape. Not Rated.

JUNGLE WARRIORS (1984) - Six models, their photographer Joanna (Nina Van Pallandt) and manager Larry (Marjoe Gortner, who snorts coke and even says, "Praise God!") travel to some unnamed South American country for a photo shoot and get into the middle of a huge drug deal between Mafia guys Vito (John Vernon) and Nick (Alex Cord) and local drug warlord Santiago (Paul L. Smith) and his assassin sister Angel (Sybil Danning). When the models' plane, piloted by Ben (Kai Wulff), is shot down when it flys too close to Santiago's operation, everyone on board is stranded in the jungle. Ben leads the group through crocodile-infested waters until they come upon a deserted village next to a waterfall. The next day, they are hunted down and captured (Larry is killed by a nasty spiked boobytrap) by Luther (a mute, bow-carrying Woody Strode) and ihis band of Spanish-speaking mercenaries. They are all piled into an armor-plated RV (!) and are driven to Santiago's compound. Ben, Joanna and the models meet Santiago and Ben is decapitated by one of Santiago's men with a machete. The women are all tied up in a dungeon, where Angel slaps and punches the women (she burns one model on the face with a cigarette and cuts another on the face with a machete) and then lets the drooling men rape them all (a hard scene to watch). When Vito and Nick arrive at Santiago's compound to take part in a $20 million cocaine deal, we find out that one of the models, Marci (Mindi Iden), is actually an Interpol agent sent there to get the goods on Santiago's business. The girls get free with the help of an old village woman and they band together to get even for being raped, as well as helping Interpol shut down Santiago, Vito and Nicky. When Marci is killed radioing in their location, Joanna and the remaining girls grab machine guns and fight their way out, while Vito, Nick and their men battle Santiago, Angel, Luther and their gang in the bullet-riddled, explosive finale.  This nasty jungle action flick, directed/produced/co-scripted by Ernst R. von Theumer (HELL HUNTERS - 1986) and co-scripted by Robert Collector (who directed the Linda Blair WIP flick RED HEAT - 1985 and the sci-fi/horror film NIGHTFLYERS - 1987, using the name "T.C. Blake"), is remarkable for one aspect: Killing off the only two male characters (Gortner and Wulff) that could be considered "heroes". While they both do heroic deeds (Gortner grabs a gun off a merc; Wulff comes to Van Pallandt's defense), they both suffer horrible graphic deaths for their acts of bravery. This German-financed, Mexico-lensed action film is short on logic (there's nothing like rape to turn mousey, high-maintenance women into non-stop killing machines) and has underdeveloped characters (Woody Strode's mute character is a waste and all the models are interchangable), but there's enough nudity, mindless carnage (John Vernon's death is a highlight) and goofy dialogue (One guy says to Santiago, "Fatman! Pig! You sleep with your sister!" to which he replies, "She's only my half-sister, you know!") to keep you entertained. I was taken aback by the level of violence here, although it is apparent that some scenes (the mass rape and Vernon's death in particular) were trimmed to achieve an R rating. Look very closely after big Paul L. Smith (DEATH CHASE - 1987) rips the door off the helicopter and lifts John Vernon (door and all!) into the spinning blades. Although we don't see the actual act, there is a shot very shortly thereafter of Vernon's headless, bloody body lying on the ground as Smith takes off in the helicopter. Smith's fight with one of Vernon's goons, where Smith is shot, stabbed and has a bottle broken over his head and he still comes back for more, is also a highlight. One thing that is not a highlight is the theme song, sung by Marina Arcangeli, that plays over the opening and closing credits. Arcangeli sings like someone is tightening thumbscrews to her. It's a screeching, ear-splitting mess. Also starring Dana Elcar, Suzi Horne, Kari Lloyd and Ava Cadell. Released on VHS by Media Home Entertainment. While not available on DVD in the U.S., JUNGLE WARRIORS is available on DVD in many versions in Europe. Rated R. TRIVIA: Dennis Hopper was originally hired to play the role of Larry. He showed up in Mexico high as a kite and was arrested by police in the village they were filming. He was subsequently fired and Marjoe Gortner hired to take his place. Two years later, Hopper would make a comeback in David Lynch's BLUE VELVET, playing a drug-addled gangster!

JUST A DAMNED SOLDIER (1988) - In this modern-day (well, modern-day if you live in 1988) Italian actioner, four mercenaries perform a daring daylight raid on a Cambodian processing plant owned by dastardly millionaire industrialist Mr. Titleman (Steve Eliot; a.k.a. Stelio Candelli of HOTEL PARADISE - 1980) and steal a fortune in unrefined gold, which, after a helicopter chase, a decoy truck and too many explosions and gunfights to count, is loaded on a ship headed for Afghanistan. Ernst (Peter Hooten; 2020 TEXAS GLADIATORS - 1982), the leader of the mercenaries, was once friends with Titleman (they served in the Vietnam War together) until he turned-in Ernst's father (something about him being a Nazi Party chief) for a large sum of money. Now, Ernst holds a grudge against Titleman and will do anything to hurt him both professionally and financially. Of course, Titleman doesn't take this latest theft too well and orders his men to hunt down Ernst and his team, Mark (Mark Gregory; BRONX WARRIORS 2 - 1983), Cisco (Romano Kristoff; NINJA'S FORCE - 1984) and David (David Giberson; BATTLE RATS - 1988), and retrieve the gold. Titleman tortures the pilot of the helicopter that delivered the gold to the ship and extracts the information he needs to track down and kill Ernst and his squad. The first one to die is David, who is lured out of a bar by a paid-off hooker and taken to a secluded section of town, where he is murdered by Titleman with multiple throwing darts to his body (Titleman is an excellent darts player), the final dart puncturing his eye when he refuses to tell Titleman where the gold is. Titleman next sends some well-paid Vietnamese troops to Ernst's home, where they kill his wife (they shoot her in the back), but Cisco and Mark arrive in time to save Ernst's ass. All bets are off, as both sides hunt each other down, using torture (Mark shoves a switchblade in the hooker's mouth and threatens to slit her mouth at the sides if she doesn't tell him who ordered David's death), gunplay and explosives to achieve their goals. Ernst kidnaps Titleman's girlfriend Helen (Cristine Leigh) and threatens to kill her if Titleman doesn't fork over guns and ammunition for Afghan rebels fighting for the freedom of their country (Ernst is a big supporter of a free Afghanistan). When Titleman calls his bluff and tells Ernst to kill her, Helen helps Ernst and his squad raid Titleman's compound, which is full of high-tech weapons and ammunition. Something tells me that there's going to be an explosive finale.  Lensed in the Philippines and directed/scripted by Fernando Baldi (COMIN' AT YA! - 1981; WARBUS - 1985) using his "Ted Kaplan" pseudonym, JUST A DAMNED SOLDIER (a line actually spoken by Titleman to describe Ernst) is sure to please fans of war action films. It contains more bloody deaths than you can shake a stick at and numerous action set-pieces, including sequences set in such locales as a deserted amusement park, a Vietnam nightclub (where Titleman expects to be entertained by a comedian, but views two of his men hanging dead by their necks on stage instead) and Titleman's compound in the finale. What I found particularly strange about this film is the undercurrent of German bias on display here, from Ernst's family history (Was his father a Nazi or not? I'm afraid we never find out.), to Titleman constantly referring to Ernst as "The Kraut". There are allusions to Ernst and his family changing their names when they moved to America, but it is never expounded upon. Also unusual is that even though Titleman is the villain here, he shows a huge amount of respect for Ernst, even dressing in his old military uniform for the climatic showdown. Even then, when Titleman has the drop on Ernst, he refuses to fire his weapon. When Cisco fatally wounds Titleman, he tells Ernst that he wouldn't have pulled the trigger, but all Ernst does is give him a look of disgust and turns his back on him, which makes me wonder who is actually the villain of this piece. Food for thought, especially if Ernst is a card-carrying Nazi. Still, if you enjoy seeing people getting riddled with bullets and watching things blowing up real nice, mixed with some thought-provoking plot devices, JUST A DAMNED SOLDIER should satisfy your action jones for 92 minutes. Also known as DAMNED GOLD and VIOLENCE HUNTER. Also starring Roger Vivero, Elvie Hoagland, Ilonah Jean, Ernie Zarate, Johan Dolaney and Mike Monty as Schaffner, Titleman's right-hand man. Never available on U.S. home video, the print I watched was sourced from a Japanese-subtitled VHS tape. Not Rated.

THE KILLER ELEPHANTS (1976) - In the opening minutes of this crazy action film from Thailand, a cop named Ching Ming is chasing a bunch of crooks, who dump barrels of gasoline from their truck into the middle of the road and blow them up with their guns, forcing Ching to crash his car. After getting a tip that the crooks are hiding out in a lumber yard, Ching goes there and defeats the crooks with his superior kung-fu skills (he kills one guy by throwing a pitchfork into his stomach) and with the assist of Cal Fei, an ex-friend of Ching's who was framed for murder and is now on Ching's most wanted list. Cal Fei is in charge of a gang of rebels who hide out in the jungle and use elephants to do their dirty work (Early on, we watch as one elephant uses his tusks to toss around the Police Captain's car like it was made of balsa wood). The man who framed Cal Fei for murder is known simply as "The Boss" (a name used for most crooked bigshots in films from this region), a crime kingpin who has his horse-riding bandits burn down villages so he can buy the land cheap. The Boss is also public enemy #1 on Ching's most wanted list and he tries to kill Ching and Cal Fei every opportunity he gets. On one such occasion, The Boss sends a bunch of men to kill Cal Fei in his jungle hideout, only to have all but one of his men killed by Cal Fei's rebels, by gunshot, a knife through the neck and an axe to the head (The lone surviving bandit runs into the elephants and one rebel says to him, "Do you wanna give up or would you rather fight the elephants?" to which the bandit replies, "Yes, I think I'll give up!"). To complicate matters, Cal Fei kidnaps The Boss's wife Jo and holds her in his jungle hideout, but since Jo and Cal Fei use to be lovers, they reignite their passion for each other and she becomes pregnant. Ching and Cal Fei also have a rivalry because, even though Ching knows Cal Fei was framed, Ching considers it his duty to bring Cal Fei in, which leads to a series of fights between the two (which Cal Fei always seems to win). It becomes apparent after not too long that if The Boss is to be brought to justice, Ching and Cal Fei will have to learn to work with each other. When Jo goes into labor, Ching rushes her to the hospital, where she has a baby girl. In a confusing turn of events, The Boss ends up dead and his replacement kidnaps Jo, the baby and Ching's wife, which necessitates that Ching and Cal Fei use the elephants to perform a rescue. It all ends with the bad guys being defeated by a stampede of elephants and Ching jumping out of a helicopter to save his wife.  This Thailand-lensed film, directed by Som Kit (who doesn't seem to have any other film credits, but since this is a Thai film, I'm sure he has plenty we in the West have never heard of), doesn't make an ounce of sense, but it is so weird and out-there, you can't help but fall for it's charms. It is filled with outrageous scenes, such as a naked girl in body paint who dances in a nightclub for no other reason than to show us a naked girl in body paint dancing in a nightclub; the Elephant Carnival, where we watch pachyderms playing soccer with a giant ball or competing in a game of Tug-Of-War with a bunch of men; and the confusing death of The Boss in the middle of the film, where a character not seen before named Mau Chien shoots The Boss and takes his place (Did the actor who plays The Boss quit halfway through the film?). The English dubbing is a hoot, my favorite exchange being between the Chief of Police and one of his cops. When Jo escapes from the hospital, thanks to an elephant crashing through the wall of her room, the Chief asks the cop, "Where'd she go?" The cop looks at him and says, "How the hell do I know?" Simply priceless. There's really not much elephant destruction until the finale, where they destroy an entire village, but there's plenty of other blood and weirdness to keep the viewer highly entertained for 82 minutes. You haven't truly lived until you witness a man throwing grenades while riding on an elephant's back. Also known as RUMBLING THE ELEPHANT. Starring Sung Pa, Alen Yen, Nai Yen Ne and Yu Chien. Originally available on VHS from Unicorn Video and also available on DVD from Ground Zero as part of a double feature with DRAGON SNAKE FIST (1974) for their "Brooklyn Zu" line of martial arts flicks, but THE KILLER ELEPHANTS is more an action film than martial arts. Not Rated.

THE KILLING GROUNDS (1997) - Four hikers stumble upon a downed plane in the mountains that contains four million dollars worth of stolen gold in this poor man’s version of A SIMPLE PLAN. The four: an untrusting wife (Pricilla Barnes) and her unfaithful husband (Charles Rocket); a crooked cop (Cynthia Geary) and Indian guide (Rodney A. Grant) do not trust one another, so they bury the gold in the forest until they can come back with the proper equipment to carry it out. On their way down the mountain, they run into the two psychos (former teen nerds Anthony Michael Hall and Courtney Gains!) who are looking for their lost gold. The cat-and-mouse chase is on. The main problem with this film is that there is not one character that you can feel sympathy for. Director Kurt Anderson (DEAD COLD - 1995) realizes that, so he makes Courtney Gains’ character Vincent such an extreme trigger-happy psychopath that everyone else seems normal by comparison. Vincent’s noodle is so loose that he beats a man to death with his own prosthetic arm, shoots his horse for giving him a sore ass (!), rapes Charles Rocket (thankfully offscreen) to make him disclose the gold’s burial site and makes a rookie cop piss in his pants. Everyone dies by the conclusion, which is the way it should be. Rodney Grant’s Indian guide character starts out as an honest person, but soon moves to the dark side with a little persuasion from the other greedy bastards. All in all, this is a nice little diversion and not a bad way to waste 95 minutes. An A-PIX H.V. Release. Rated R.

KILLING MACHINE (1984) - After leaving a life of crime behind him (he was a member of a huge crime syndicate known as the Organization), big lug Chema (George Rivero; FIST FIGHTER - 1989) becomes a legitimate big rig driver hauling perishables between Spain and Germany (in the middle of a violent truckers union strike) with his brother-in-law Tony (Willie Aames). When Organization leader Maitre Julot (Lee van Cleef; ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK - 1981) tries to kill Chema (no one ever leaves the Organization and lives), he grabs his newly-pregnant wife, Eliza (Ana Obregon; TREASURE OF THE FOUR CROWNS - 1982), and heads to Germany to make one final delivery, but when Chema crosses the border into France, his truck is stopped and burned by a mob of corrupt union members, led by Martin (Richard Jaeckel; GRIZZLY - 1976), resulting in Eliza being burned alive while Chema is being pummeled by the mob. After unsuccessfully trying to get justice through the corrupt French judicial system and failing miserably (Julot and Martin make it look like Chema was the one responsible for his wife's death), Chema and Tony decide to get justice on their own, especially when Julot has his head goon, Picot (Aldo Sambrell; VENGEANCE - 1976), beat the shit out of Chema immediately after he leaves the courthouse while Tony watches helplessly, just to show the both of them the power he wields. Chema enlists the help of old crime partner Koldo (Hugo Stiglitz; NIGHT OF A THOUSAND CATS - 1972) to supply him with plastic explosives, but when Koldo proves to be loyal to Julot, Chema is forced to shoot him point-blank in the face. Chema and Tony then begin the systematic elimination of Julot's Organization from the bottom-up. Chema hooks-up with another former crime partner, Jacqueline (a haggard-looking Margaux Hemingway; LIPSTICK - 1976) and the trio strike first at Picot's garage, blowing-up him and the garage with plastic explosives. Chema kills Martin next, by dousing him with gasoline and setting him on fire ("You'll burn just like my wife!") and then blowing him up in his car when he tries to get away. When Julot's men kidnap and torture Tony, eventually shooting him in the back when he tries to escape, Chema not only kills Julot with a car bomb, he also kills all of Julot's underlings with another bomb, putting an end to the Organization once and for all. After driving to a snowy region of Germany, Chema drops off Jacqueline and an on-screen scrawl informs us that Chema turned himself into the police and is awaiting extradition. Give me a break!  This slow-moving Spanish/Italian revenge thriller, directed and written by Jose Antonio de la Loma (STREET WARRIORS - 1977; COUNTERFORCE - 1988) under the pseudonym "J. Anthony Loma", is a weird mixture of the Charles Bronson features MR. MAJESTYK and DEATH WISH (both 1974). Unfortunately, the film falls flat on it's face, helped in no small way by the terrible acting abilities of Willie Aames (ZAPPED - 1982; CUT AND RUN - 1985), who thinks all it takes to act tough is to walk around with a cigarette in his mouth (he can't even do that convincingly) and the strange mixture of American and Spanish actors in French locations. It is particularly distressing to see the late Margaux Hemingway in this, as her face is ravaged by her real-life alcohol abuse and she looks obliterated in every scene she's in. She committed suicide in 1996 by an overdose of Klonopin, further cementing the "Hemingway Curse" (she was the fifth member of the Hemingway clan to commit suicide). The violence is much too restrained for a revenge thriller, as the camera pulls back on the violence when it should be moving in closer. George (Jorge) Rivero is a pretty weak action hero here, because we never feel his pain of losing his wife. I was more drawn to his thick, porn-style moustache, which seemed to out-act the rest of his body. KILLING MACHINE is a pretty tepid affair, offering only a few fiery explosions, a smattering of blood, a brief glimpse of nudity and lots of bad acting. The film is also technically sloppy, as the leg of a crew member can be spotted during the fight between Rivero and Stiglitz and camera and microphone shadows can be viewed in several scenes. It's also kind of hard to believe Lee Van Cleef is a Frenchman named Julot when he doesn't even attempt to adopt a French accent! Oui, it's that bad. Also starring Frank Brana. Originally available on VHS as part of "Sybil Danning's Adventure Video" (The series' theme music is lifted from this film) from USA Home Video in one of those big cardboard boxes. Not available on DVD. Not Rated.

LADY COCOA (1974) - Cocoa (Lola Falana) has just spent a year and a half in a Utah federal penitentiary on contempt of court charges for refusing to testify against her gangster boyfriend Eddie (James A. Watson Jr.). Cocoa, who is somewhat of an overbearing brat that is full of herself, finally agrees to testify and is escorted to Nevada by stern white cop Ramsey (Alex Dreier) and black cop Doug (Gene Washington). They stop for the night at a casino hotel unaware that they are being followed by two silent hitmen ("Mean" Joe Greene and Gary Harper). Cocoa's unreasonable demands begin to grate on Ramsey and Doug's nerves, as she screams demands for "girly products", keeps changing her mind on her room service order and spouts her racist views on "pigs" (this girl needs a good slapping around). To shut her up, Doug takes her downstairs to gamble and have some dinner. She turns $20 into a small fortune at the blackjack table, buys some funky clothes at the casino store and has dinner with a newlywed couple that they meet in the store (they are not what they seem to be). It's not long before Cocoa and Doug fall in love (I would have slugged her a good one instead). She betrays Doug when she ducks out on dinner to meet gangster boyfriend Eddie in a hotel room upstairs. Eddie basically betrays her and sets her up for a sniper's bullet. Can Doug and Ramsey save her in time and get her to the Grand Jury in one piece? There's a major deception at the end that could spell doom for our too-spoiled-for-words heroine, but good money says that you would have turned it off or fallen asleep long before you even get to that point. Originally known as POP GOES THE WEASEL (also the title of the film's theme song, sung by Falana), this film, directed by Matt Cimber (THE BLACK SIX - 1974), is a real yawner. Much too slow to be an action film (no one dies or gets shot at until way past the one hour mark), LADY COCOA plays more like a clash-of-personalities tale, and a pretty bad one at that. Las Vegas lounge star Lola Falana starts to get on your nerves as spoiled bitch Cocoa, who always says something hurtful and makes it difficult for the two cops to look after her. Disobeying their every order, you'll be wishing that the hitmen would finish their job as quickly as possible, especially when she yells lines of dialogue like, "I'm going to shit, shower and shampoo!" (add "shut up" to that and I would have been a happy man). She is the ideal description of the word "cunt" (which some sharp guy calls her in this). There's an unintentionally funny scene where Doug chases the newlywed couple (who turn out to be a hit team) on foot while they are in a car. The car flips over, drives into a casino, exits out the back door and lands in a swimming pool. The guy behind the wheel drowns, but the girl (played by Millie Perkins) gets out and Doug chases her into a bathroom, where they fire at each other through a stall door. Doug kills her and discovers that she's actually a he, a man in drag! George "Buck" Flower has a cameo as a drunken cowboy gambler and his pal John Goff plays a gay bar patron. There's also risable dialogue like, "I don't care if you're black, green, orange or banana!" and plenty of Falana nudity, but her offensive character, lack of action and extremely slow story sinks any chance this film has of entertaining you. Also starring Richard Kennedy as a French room service waiter and James R. Sweeney. My copy came from Brentwood Communications' 4 Movie DVD compilation titled BAD BROTHAS - MEAN MUTHAS. The widescreen print is pretty beat up, with washed-out colors and plenty of distortion on the soundtrack. Originally released on VHS by Unicorn Video. Rated R.

LEATHERNECKS (1988) - Another action and explosion-filled Italian war actioner filmed in the Philippines. The film opens with "Lieutenant" (Richard Hatch; HEATED VENGEANCE - 1984) and his small band of commandos ambushing a VC convoy that is carrying crates of weapons and ammunition on bicycles through the jungle. After killing nearly every gook and blowing up the crates, Lieutenant (that's all he's called throughout the film) has his men "interrogate" the lone VC survivor, who tells them that another shipment of weapons is due shortly by boat nearby (the VC prisoner then gets a bullet in his brainpan for his trouble). The commandos lay in wait and ambush the boat, killing all it's occupants and nearly getting killed themselves when a mortally wounded gook sets the boat on fire and it explodes. Meanwhile, Sgt. Martin Cooper (James Mitchum; MERCENARY FIGHTERS - 1988) is training a group of Vietnamese friendlies the finer points of warfare so they can protect their village rice fields from VC attacks. He reluctantly allows some of the villagers to work in the rice patties unaccompanied, only to have some VC soldiers disguise themselves as villagers and lead an attack on the camp. Just when the prospects look bad for Sgt. Martin and his men, Lieutenant and his commandos show up in the nick of time and save the day. A short time later, a helicopter arrives carrying Captain Barrett, who has a top-secret meeting with Lieutenant. The Captain reveals that a French traitor named Bernard is supplying the enemy with weapons, so the Captain and Lieutenant head alone into the jungle to find Bernard, not to kill him, but to make him an offer he cannot refuse (Lieutenant smells a rat and doesn't trust the Captain). Lieutenant was right not to trust the Captain, because when the Captain goes to meet Bernard alone, a squad of doped-up American AWOL soldiers tries to ambush Lieutenant, but he manages to kill them with some well-placed explosives. Sgt. Martin, Bob (Robert Marius; COP GAME - 1988), Tony (Tony Marsina) and Mike (Anthony Sawyer) go on a recon mission and discover a series of VC tunnels in the jungle and Sgt. Martin is killed protecting a wet-behind-the-ears recruit when they flush the VCs out of the tunnels. Lieutenant discovers that Capt. Barrett is actually a traitor, too, partners with Bernard (who the Captain kills to keep quiet), so he gathers up his commandos to kill the Captain and his VC allies before the Captain has them all killed to cover-up his treachery. The finale finds Lieutenant, his commandos and Sgt. Martin's freshly-trained Vietnamese recruits defending the camp and village from a major enemy assault.  The story may be all over the place (screenplay by Tito Carpi; HUNTERS OF THE GOLDEN COBRA - 1982; LAST PLATOON - 1988), but director Ignacio Dolce (COMMANDER - 1987; LAST FLIGHT TO HELL - 1990), using his pseudonym "Paul D. Robinson", infuses this war actioner with plenty of gunfights, explosions and even some heartwarming moments (including Sgt. Martin letting the new recruit listen to his wife's pornographic audio cassette) to keep the viewer entertained. I was impressed that some of Lieutenant's commandos are painted as rather heartless and inhumane. Tony likes to rape Vietnamese women and disregards Lieutenant's orders to leave the women alone. Tony rapes one village woman (Tania Gomez; MAGIC OF THE UNIVERSE - 1987) several times right in from of her injured husband, so it should come as no surprise that during the final battle, Tony is killed when the husband plants a knife in his back. In fact, the only likable Americans here are Lieutenant, Sgt. Martin and Bob, as the rest are either corrupt (Captain Barrett), drug addicts, AWOL soldiers or mercenaries (Bernard's men) or a pimp (Mike). The nihilistic finale leaves no doubt as to everyone's fates (Bob gets the most heroic death, being gunned-down while holding a small boy's bullet-ridden body after failing to protect him), but what comes before it is also very violent, as people are blown apart, shot or stabbed and everything explodes in nice, big fireballs. LEATHERNECKS is a worthy addition to the already burgeoning list of 80's Italian war films. Also starring Vassili Karis, Jack Alba, George Rosek, Hans Leibder and Martin Wannack. Never legitimately available on U.S. home video, the print I viewed was sourced from a Greek-subtitled VHS tape. Not Rated.

LIGHT BLAST (1985) - A maniacal scientist is terrorizing San Francisco in this crazy Italian actioner from director Enzo G. Castellari. The scientist has developed a new contraption called Light Blast, a portable weapon (using microwave-like rays) that is capable of frying and melting any object it comes in contact with. He first tests it out in a railroad yard, dissolving a few railway cars as well as a necking couple carrying on in one of the boxcars. Assigned to the case is Detective Ronn (Erik Estrada), who we first meet delivering a turkey dinner in his underwear to a couple of bank robbers who have taken hostages (he has a gun hidden in the turkey and ends the seige with a well-placed bullet to the head of one of the robbers). The scientist uses his weapon next at a stock car race, melting everyone in the pressbox and getting away after pumping a couple of slugs into Ronn's driver after a small car chase. The scientist calls the police and demands ten million dollars or he will unleash Light Blast in a more populated area. As Ronn's investigation gets him closer to the scientist (including a surreal shootout in a morgue), the Mayor pays the ten million dollar ransom, only to have the police mess it up, leading to an explosion killing all the cops following the money. The next day, the Mayor receives a tape where the scientist now demands twenty million dollars. When the scientist's goons spray Ronn's house with machine gun fire and kill his wife (Peggy Rowe) and wound his partner, it becomes personal and Ronn becomes a one-man killing machine. After a shootout at a warehouse where Ronn nearly gets crushed by a bulldozer, Ronn steals a (conveniently-placed) dune buggy and chases the scientist through the streets of San Francisco. Ronn causes the Light Blast to malfunction, causing it to turn on it's inventor, dissolving his body away. Hooray for Ronn!  Director Castellari (DAY OF THE COBRA - 1980; THE NEW BARBARIANS - 1983) throws just about everything, including the kitchen sink, into the script (co-written with Tito Carpi), including multiple gunfights (lots of gory shots of people being plugged in the head and other extremities), numerous car chases and crashes, shots of people's faces melting (ala, the finale of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK) and other gory goings-on. While there is violence aplenty, all logic is basically thrown out the window, as Estrada (who has the emotional range of a grapefruit) gets in one head-scratching exploit after another. In one scene where Estrada is following one of the scientist's flunkies, he jumps on the back of a moving pickup truck and tells the driver, "I'm a cop. Follow that car!" The driver just shakes his head yes as if it happens to him all the time! There's also another scene where he gets kicked in the nuts at least three times by a nurse in a morgue and he shakes it off as if he never felt it. Truly, he has balls of steel.  Still, as an action film, LIGHT BLAST (also known as NEON KILLER) delivers the goods, with lots of bloody bullet squibs, people being burned alive, car chases galore and plenty of things that blow up real good. Besides, where else can you see a dune buggy racing around the steep, hilly streets of San Francisco? Here's some nostalgia for you: A sign at one of the gas stations lists regular unleaded gas at $1.10 a gallon. Ah, the good old days! Also starring Thomas Moore, Mike Pritchard and Bob Taylor. A Lightning Video Release. Not Rated.

LIVE BY THE FIST (1992) - Former Navy SEAL John Merill (Jerry Trimble) is about to ship out on a tramp steamer when he runs into four thugs raping a woman. He tries to break it up, but ends up knocked out after he kills one of the rapists. When he wakes up, he has a bloody knife in his hand and the woman is lying dead nearby, her throat cut. Merill is convicted of murder and is sentenced to spend the rest of his life on a remote island prison. Once on the island, Acosta (Vic Diaz), the prison warden, tells Merill and the other new prisoners that escape is useless and to prove his point, he shows them the half-eaten corpse of a prisoner that tried to escape, only to end up as shark bait. Almost immediately, Merill is attacked in the shower, but he manages to fight them off. Merill is put in a cell with wise, old Uncle Coronado (George Takei), a long-timer who takes Merill under his wing. He'll need the help, because a lot of people in the joint want him dead, including Alvarez (Romy Diaz), who was friends with the rapist Merill killed. Alvarez has his Asian inmates attack Merill constantly, so Warden Acosta assigns Merill to the all-white motorpool, run by white supremacist Sacker (Ted Markland). When Merill saves a gook prisoner from the wrath of Sacker and fellow missing-tooth mate Greasemonkey (Nick Nicholson), he also becomes enemies with the white population. Uncle Coronado tells Merill that Warden Acosta and his right-hand man Vargas (Roland Dantes) are under investigation by a group called Human Rights International, headed by Helen Ferris (Laura Albert). It seems there have been 29 deaths in the prison in the last two years and one of Uncle Coronado's friends stole a ledger that proves that the Warden is stealing funds from the prison, but his friend was killed before he told Coronado where he hid it. If Merill can find the ledger and turn it over to Ms. Ferris when she arrives in one week's time, he stands a good chance of being freed. Merill eventually finds the ledger, but the Warden tries his best to kill him before he has the chance of putting the ledger in Ms. Ferris' hands. Good thing Merill is a champion martial artist, because both the white and Asian prisoners assault him on a daily basis. Can Uncle Coronado unite all the prisoners before a full-blown race riot breaks out? It looks pretty grim when the Warden gets Sacker and Alvarez to start a riot just as Ms. Ferris arrives at the prison, but Merill steps in and dishes-out some much-deserved justice to all the guilty parties just in the nick of time.  This is the first of Filipino director Cirio H. Santiago's trio of actioners he made with non-actor Jerry "Golden Boy" Trimble in the early 90's , the others being ONE MAN ARMY (1993) and STRANGLEHOLD (1994). Trimble is a terrible actor, but he is a decent martial artist. He still gets hit more than any martial artist I have ever seen in films (see if Steven Seagal or Jean-Claude Van Damme would ever be allowed to take so many punches to the face and body as Trimble does here), which at least makes his character much more vunerable than you would normally see in these B-films. STAR TREK's Mr. Sulu, George Takei, is the "name" actor here and his character is the same type of person that was patented so well by the late Mako in many films; namely, a wise, sage old man who is the voice of reason. Takei is fine here, but I especially liked the performance of Filipino staple Vic Diaz as Warden Acosta. This is one of his biggest roles in the latter part of his career and he's appropriately slimey as a man with no morals. LIVE BY THE FIST may remind you of countless other prison films (especially LOCK UP [1989], starring Sylvester Stallone and Van Damme's DEATH WARRANT [1990]), but it's a fast-paced low-budget actioner with plenty of fights and some bloody carnage. Also, at 78 minutes long, it doesn't overstay it's welcome. Also starring Steve Rogers, Jim Moss, Berting Labra, Ramon D'Salva, Archie Adamos, Joseph Zucchero, John Crank and an uncredited appearance by Santiago staple Henry Strzalkowski as the cop who arrests Merill in the beginning of the film. Available on VHS & DVD from New Horizons Home Video. Rated R.

LIVE LIKE A COP DIE LIKE A MAN (1976) - This violent Poliziottesco begins with two guys on a motorcycle trying to steal a woman's purse. She stubbornly refuses to let go of it and is dragged across the sidewalk until her head is split open when it hits the base of a street light. Unconscious (and still not letting go of the purse!), one of the thieves gets off the bike and repeatedly kicks her in the face (she still doesn't let go of it!). Two undercover cops, Tony (Ray Lovelock) and Fred (Marc Porel), witness the crime and give chase on their motorcycles (Tony and Fred are initially seen riding together on the same motorcycle until Tony steals one off the street to join in the chase). This leads to a long motorcycle chase through the city of Rome, as Tony and Fred chase the thieves up and down stone steps, on the sidewalk and through a busy market (The thieves even run over and kill a blind man's seeing eye dog as they are crossing the street. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!) until the thieves crash into the back of a truck. One of the thieves is killed instantly when he is impaled on the cycle's shifter (!) and Fred snaps the other's neck after making sure he is "comfortable"! As you can probably tell, Fred and Tony are unconventional cops and are part of a "Special Squad" of undercover lawmen, led by "The Boss" (Adolf Celi), that deal with high profile robbery cases. Fred and Tony witness their fellow cop, Rick (Marino Mase), being shotgunned to death in front of their office, so they shoot one guy on a motorcycle in the back (he hits a car, flips over the roof and is crushed when another car hits him) and go after the man responsible, drug dealer Pasquini (Renato Salvatore). They start off by burning down one of Pasquini's ritzy gambling houses, which greatly pisses off Pasquini and he has one of his crooked cops dig up all the information he can on Fred and Tony. After Tony and Fred resolve a hostage situation at a private residence (they kill all three hostage takers), they go after Pasquini using any means necessary (even abusing Pasquini's innocent, yet sex-starved, sister to get information on her brother). Meanwhile, Pasquini is not sitting still. He uses a drug addict who stole drugs from him (he has one of his goons manually remove one of the addict's eyes!) to set-up Fred and Tony. The finale finds Fred and Tony waiting for Pasquini on a docked boat wired with dynamite and Pasquini has his hands on the plunger. Thankfully, Frank and Tony have a guardian angel and he steps in to save the day.  Director Ruggero Deodato (JUNGLE HOLOCAUST - 1977;  HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK - 1979; CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST - 1980; RAIDERS OF ATLANTIS - 1983) fills this Italian actioner with plenty of blood and gore (including eye removal, impalements and plenty of bloody bullet squibs), but the most distinctive feature of this film is the implied homosexual relationship between Fred and Tony, even if the producers made Fernando Di Leo (director of the excellent crime film MANHUNT - 1972) tone down that aspect in his script. They crack wise and make sexual remarks to The Boss' sassy secretary Norma (Silvia Dionisio), but through all their sexual innuendo and outright graphic talk (They banter about deflowering their maid's underage daughter in front of the maid!), we not once see them get cozy individually with a woman throughout the entire film. One scene finds Fred slapping-around and feeling-up Pasquini's sister and he eventually has sex with her, but then Tony takes his turn when Fred is done. It seems they share everything, including an apartment and a single motorcycle, which we see them riding together at various times throughout the film. It's made very clear how much they trust each other when they take target practice in a quarry. They are on opposite ends shooting at cans inches away from their bodies, sometimes firing their guns at each other while rolling on the ground! It's also plain to see that if Fred and Tony weren't policemen, they would make perfect hitmen. They have no problem killing or torturing people to reach their objectives (One scene shows Fred applying titty-twisters to two strung-up goons and then using their bodies as punching bags when they won't give up Pasquini's whereabouts). Ray Lovelock (LET SLEEPING CORPSES LIE - 1974; LAST HOUSE ON THE BEACH - 1978) and Marc Porel (NO WAY OUT - 1973; LOADED GUN - 1974; He died at age 34 in 1983 of meningitis) are believable as cops and best friends and Adolfo Celi (MANHUNT - 1972) is also good as their boss, who doesn't approve of their methods (he believes, and rightfully so, that they are too quick on the trigger and don't spend enough time thinking about future consequences of their actions), yet he plays an important role in saving their asses in the explosive (and quick) finale. Some of the English dubbing is risable ("We are just sardines. What do we know about sharks?"), but there are some good action set-pieces (the opening motorcycle chase is a standout), extreme violence and some welcome female nudity. Also starring Franco Citti, Sergio Ammirata and Bruno Corazzari. A Raro Video DVD Release. Not Rated.

THE LOSERS (1970) - The Army hires "scooter trash" (actually a motorcycle gang called the "Devil's Advocates") to rescue an American ambassador being kept prisoner in a camp deep in the Cambodian jungle in this low-rent, but very enjoyable, rip-off of THE DIRTY DOZEN (1965). This could be called THE DIRTY HALF-DOZEN MINUS ONE. It starts out like most films in this genre: Link (William Smith), the leader of the Devil's Advocates, and his men, which includes Duke (Adam Roarke), Limpy (Paul Koslo), Speed (Gene Cornelius) and Dirty Denny (Houston Savage), at first act like the misfits they are, disobeying orders and getting into fights with the local "slopeheads". But, before long, they begin acting like a well-oiled machine, even earning the respect of their commanding officer, Captain Jackson (Bernie Hamilton), who Dirty Denny at first calls "Super Spook". As they train for their mission and trick out their Yamahas with machine guns and rocket launchers (Harleys can't handle the terrain, in case you were wondering), it becomes apparent that all the bikers were disgraced soldiers returning to duty to settle old scores and find lost loves as well as to serve their country for what they all know is a suicide mission. Link also has a bad past with the American ambassador he is hired to rescue, but he puts old gripes aside to do his duty. As a matter of fact, all five bikers have good reasons to live, yet they go on the mission anyway in what turns out to be a rousing, action-packed rescue attempt. When one of the bikers deserts the group and is ambushed and killed just hours before the assault is to take place, it throws a monkey wrench into the intricate planning. The remaining four bikers will have to improvise to achieve their goal. An act of betrayal during the rescue attempt threatens the survival of all.  Directed by genre vet Jack Starrett (RACE WITH THE DEVIL -1975), THE LOSERS (also known as NAM'S ANGELS) is great action entertainment. Starrett definitely patterned the action scenes after Sam Peckinpah's THE WILD BUNCH, made the year before. People are riddled with bullets or fly through the air, all in slow motion. Director Starrett also plays the treacherous American ambassador that the bikers try to rescue, only to have him betray all who try to save him. He is truly as pathetic a human being you're ever likely to see. The fact that he survives the blood-drenched finale will make your blood boil. Although it takes a while for the film to get moving, the time is well-spent as it fleshes the bikers' characters out so thay become people you actually care about. The script (by Alan Caillou) makes some sharp political statements, like the plight of abandoned American soldiers' love children, something unusual for a film of this type and vintage. It adds extra depth and meaning to the assault by the bikers, which is well-staged and about as exciting a sequence you'll ever see in a low-budget action flick. The cast of genre vets do a nice job here and our old friend, Vic Diaz (who seems to appear in nearly every film made in the Philippines), also puts in a turn as a mechanic who doesn't understand English too well. This Joe Solomon-produced flick is a good bet for action fans that like a little politics thrown in for good measure. Filippino director Cirio H. Santiago remade this film in 1988 and called it NAM ANGELS. It's a pale imitation. Also starring John Garwood, Ana Korita and Paul Nuckles. Originally released on VHS by Academy Entertainment and now available on DVD in a beautiful widescreen print from Dark Sky Films. Rated R. "Lost are the children of the Lord."

MADE MEN (1999) – Every once in a while, I find myself viewing a film making its’ premiere on pay cable or video and I think to myself, “Why didn’t this film play in theaters?” This is one of those films. This is a great action flick that mixes the right amounts of gunfights, stunts, explosions, humor and most important of all, a good story. James Belushi portrays an ex-con in the Witness Protection Program who stole 12 million dollars from a gangster in Chicago. He is a perennial liar, incapable of uttering even an iota of truth. Somehow his cover is blown and he must avoid four hitmen sent after him to retrieve the stolen loot. One of the hitmen (Michael Beach) may be an undercover federal agent. Aside from the hitmen, Belushi must also contend with a corrupt, sadistic sheriff (Timothy Dalton, who really chews up the scenery) , a backwoods hick (Steve Railsback) and his sons who run a crystal meth factory and, finally, his own wife (Vanessa Angel), who is more interested in finding the money than caring about the life of her husband. Belushi (RED HEAT – 1988, GANG RELATED – 1996) is great in his role, tossing funny asides while being chased, tortured and shot at. Railsback (LIFEFORCE – 1985, BARB WIRE – 1996) is a hoot (“Hillbillies with cell phones” is Belushi’s description) and nearly unrecognizable. There is much violence on view here, including shots in the head, multiple bullet hits, torture with a power drill, car wrecks and explosions. The scene where Railsback rams his truck into Belushi’s house rivals anything you’ll see on the big screen. Maybe it’s because the producers are Walter Hill and Richard Donner, makers of the 48 HOURS and LETHAL WEAPON series respectively. Director Louis Morneau also made the excellent time travel/action flick RETROACTIVE (1997) also starring Belushi and the quirky QUAKE (1992) starring Railsback. He is also responsible for the lousy SOLDIER BOYZ (1995) , the so-so CARNOSAUR 2 (1994) and a couple of forgettable actioners for Roger Corman’s Concorde Films. Morneau handles MADE MEN with a sure and steady hand, getting James Belushi to turn in his best performance in years. The finale gives the viewers a satisfied feeling as Belushi never gives up the goods and stays true to his character. MADE MEN is grand entertainment for the small screen. Premiered on HBO with a video and DVD release on the HBO Video label. Rated R.

MAD MISSION (1981) - Wild Hong Kong heist caper comedy that spoofs everything from THE PINK PANTHER to THE GODFATHER while tossing in huge dollops of action set-pieces. A fortune in diamonds is stolen in a daring heist in a highrise building, where Sam (Samuel Hui) crashes through an office window while sliding down a wire, grabs the suitcase containing the diamonds during an exchange between Chinese gangsters and the Italian Mafia, rides a motorcycle through various floors of the building and eventually escapes to safety by motorized glider. Sam leaves a white glove at the scene of the crime to make it look like the notorious English jewel thief called "White Glove" committed the robbery. The Godfather (a ridiculous-looking young white guy made-up to look fat and old, not to mention sounding exactly like Marlon Brando) puts the squeeze on White Glove to find the real thief and bring back the diamonds, otherwise he will be sleeping with the fishes. Meanwhile, the British government assign bald Chinese-American cop, Lt. Kodyjack (Karl Mak) and female Chinese cop Supt. Hot Tongue (Sylvia Chang), to find the diamonds. They eventually team-up with Sam when Sam's partner hides the diamonds and dies before he can tell him where they are. He does tell Sam that he hid clues to the location on tattoos he placed on the asses of two women (Don't try to make sense of this. Your head will hurt.). Along the way, Kodyjack and Hot Tongue fall in love, Sam falls in love with Hot Tongue's sister Marge (Carroll Gordon) and everyone's lives are threatened, first by a Chinese mobster named Al Capone (he flips out when he spots Sam and Kodyjack taking a picture of his sister's naked ass) and then by White Glove and his minions. The rest of the film is nothing but a series of slapstick adventures, as the trio tries to find the tattooed women and then locate the diamonds. That's basically the entire plot. The film is nothing but one comical gag after another, where Sam and Kodyjack have their lives endangered every ten minutes or so, be it by hanging (a comic highlight where they both have nooses slipped around their necks while tied to opposite ends of a suspended pipe and they take turns in the air hanging by their necks by jumping up and down), by explosives or numerous car chases, while Hot Tongue sits on the sideline, first hating Kodyjack and later swooning whenever he is near (it's quite chauvinistic, actually). Ah, those darn Chinese and their crazy customs!  Lightweight in violence, but action-packed from beginning to end, this Hong Kong comedy film (originally known as ACES GO PLACES) was so popular that it spawned four official sequels and numerous imitations. Director Eric Tsang (who also directed the first sequel, MAD MISSION II [1983], as well as other films like THE TIGERS [1991]) keeps things extremely comical, even if people do die before your eyes (Al Capone and his gang are blown-up in his car by his own bomb in a comical mix-up). It's hard to take any of this seriously, especially when Karl Mak (a co-producer here) dresses like Ming The Merciless from the 1980 version of FLASH GORDON and dances on stage during a ballet (famed director Tsui Hark portrays the ballet theater director). While the action scenes don't have the "pop" of later Hong Kong films, it's easy to see that this was one of the blueprints for later 80's Hong Kong action cinema (especially Jackie Chan's PROJECT A [1983]). Even though this film borrows liberally from many films (the whole "tattoo on the ass" subplot was lifter directly from Antonio Margheriti's THE STRANGER AND THE GUNFIGHTER [1973]), it also influenced later films, including the Dirty Harry film, THE DEAD POOL (1988). Watch it and you'll know what I mean. If I do have a problem with this film, it's the English dub track, which tries to be too cutsey-poo with the characters' names and most of the dialogue, especially Karl Mak's conversations with Sylvia Chang. It makes him look and sound like a real chauvinistic pig and hurts his likability factor, especially for female viewers. I'm sure something was lost in the translation, because Hong Kong humor sometimes fails to register with Western audiences. While Samuel Hui was called "King Kong" in the Hong Kong edit, he's inexplicably called "Sam" here and the name "King Kong" is given to a bumbling bearded cop. Mak's character Kodyjack is a play on TV's KOJAK (he's called Detective Albert Au, or "Baldy" in the Hong Kong version) and Chang's Supt. Hot Tongue was changed from "Supt. Ah Tung". Unfortunately, although the film looks great in the widescreen version offered on DVD from Anchor Bay Entertainment, only the English-dubbed version is available. This version is also missing about 13 minutes of footage (a few sequences are edited down and whole scenes are missing) that is available on other editions that are subtitled in English. It's still an enjoyable romp, but whoever wrote the English dub track should really suffer from some painful affliction for needlessly subjecting us to some cringe-worthy dialogue. An Anchor Bay Entertainment Release. Not Rated, but no worse than a PG-13.

THE MAN FROM HONG KONG (1975) - This sweeping Hong Kong/Australian co-production is a treat for both the eyes and ears. After federal drug enforcement agent Bob Taylor (Roger Ward) captures drug trafficker Win Chan (a young Sammo Hung) in Australia while he is delivering a shipment of heroin (He says to one of his agents when he asks Taylor if it's heroin: "Well, it's not sherbert!"), Hong Kong supercop/playboy Inspector Fang Sing Leng (Jimmy Wang Yu) is flown in to interrogate the suspect since Win Chan can't speak English. Inspector Leng's interrogation techniques consist of beating the crap out of Win Chan in his cell and then sticking his head in the toilet. Chan tells Leng that the kingpin behind the drug cartel is Jack Wilton (George Lazenby), but when Leng, Taylor and his partner Morrie Grosse (Hugh Keays-Byrne, Toecutter in MAD MAX - 1979) are escorting Chan to the airport, he is shot dead by an assassin (Grant Page). Leng chases the assassin, which leads to a long (and exciting) martial arts fight in a crowded Chinese restaurant (where the assassin splits his pants), resulting in the assassin getting killed. It's apparent that Leng is a cop that doesn't like to play by the rules, which is a good thing, because rich and influential businessman Jack Wilton (who is also a black belt) will stop at nothing to make sure that Leng ends up dead. After unsuccessfully sending two men to kill Leng in his hotel room (Leng fights them in his pajamas!), Leng calls on Australian reporter Caroline Thorne (Ros Spiers), who he met (and bedded) in Hong Kong when she landed her hang glider on his training grounds (after screwing him, she says to Leng, "You're my first Chinese!), to introduce him to Wilton. She does, at an outdoor party, where Wilton insults Leng ("I never met a Chinese yet that didn't have a yellow streak") and then challenges him to a martial arts fight in front of all the party guests. After getting a few licks in on Wilton and beating up a bunch of his men, Caroline steps in the middle to break it up, just as Wilton was about to kill Leng with a crossbow. When Leng later takes on Wilton's kung-fu school's entire student body by himself, he is seriously hurt and is rescued by Angelica (Rebecca Gilling), who nurses him back to health and they fall in love. When Angelica is killed when the van they are driving in is blown up by Wilton's men, Leng goes on a killing spree. The finale finds Leng using a hang glider to invade Wilton's penthouse apartment. After a well-staged fight between Leng and Wilton, Leng tapes a grenade in Wilton's mouth, makes him sign a confession and then pulls the pin. As Wilton and his penthouse explode in a fireball, Leng, Taylor and Grosse have a good laugh about how it takes a foreigner to achieve justice on Australian soil.  This is an excellent martial arts actioner from Australian director Brian Trenchard-Smith (STUNT ROCK - 1978; ESCAPE 2000 - 1982; DEAD END DRIVE-IN - 1986; DAY OF THE PANTHER - 1987) and co-produced by Raymond Chow for his Golden Harvest Films. Non-stop action from beginning to end, with short intervals of Leng screwing women (and some topless nudity), THE MAN FROM HONG KONG tried to make Jimmy Wang Yu, director and star of the cult classic MASTER OF THE FLYING GUILLOTINE, made the same year as this, an international star, but failed. Not for lack of trying, though. Yu is an entertaining screen hero and his fighting skills are impressive, but his (obviously) dubbed voice and deadly serious tone may have been a turn-off for American viewers, who originally saw this in theaters in a slightly-edited version titled THE DRAGON FLIES. Still, there's a lot to like about this film, from the frequent fights, excellent stunts (including a damn-good car chase in the latter part of the film, where Leng kills everyone involved with Angelica's death) and the beautiful Australian scenery. Ex-James Bond George Lazenby (who a year earlier starred as the title character in the excellent Hong Kong actioner STONER), is quite good as the villain, spouting racist dialogue ("I find Chinese make the best servants.") and doing most of his fight scenes without the benefit of a stuntman (even doing a fire stunt, which resulted in Lazenby being hospitalized for severe burns to his hands). I always like Lazenby as an actor, (his style is loose and natural) and thought he never got the recognition he deserved. This film is a must for all martial arts and action junkies and the Hong Kong DVD, by Fortune Star, is a thing of beauty.  Not only do you get a near-flawless uncut widescreen print, but the reworked 5.1 Dolby Digital soundtrack is very lively and will have you jumping out of your seat during several scenes, particularly during the car explosion in the beginning of the film and the theme song, "Sky High" by Jigsaw, is an excellent choice considering the subject matter and sounds great here. A required purchase. Trenchard-Smith's next film would be DEATH CHEATERS (1976). Also starring Frank Thring, Bill Hunter and John Orcsik. A Fortune Star DVD Release.  Not Rated, but originally Rated R when shown in U.S. theaters.

MANHUNT (1972) - The New York Mob sends two American hitmen, Dave Cantania (Henry Silva) and Frank Webster (Woody Strode), to Italy to kill Luca Canali (Mario Adorf), who they believe took part in a theft of a six million dollar shipment of their heroin. The Mob wants Luca's death to be flashy as possible, a warning to all those who would even think about ripping them off in the future. The only problem is, Luca (who is a beefy, but goodhearted, pimp) is innocent. Dave and Frank make their way to Milan, where they are met by the beautiful Eva Lalli (Luciana Paluzzi), who is assigned to show them a good time and get their faces shown around town. Dave and Frank's first stop is local Mafia kingpin Don Vito Tressoldi (Adolfo Celi), who agrees to deliver Luca to them alive, but privately is very suspicious of the two American's sudden presence. It's also apparent that the two hitmen have distinct (and opposite) personalities. Frank is all business and would rather just get the job done, while Dave is a womanizer (he likes his hookers!) and a partier, which soons gets him in trouble with some prostitutes and scooter-riding toughs in a park one night (Frank reluctantly steps in and saves his ass). Two of Don Vito's men pick up Luca and try to rough him up in a sawmill (Luca says, "Smells good. What's it's for, making coffins?"), but Luca beats the snot out of them before Don Vito arrives. Luca then calls Dave and Frank and tells them to come to the sawmill, to embarass Do Vito (Dave shoots Don Vito's two men in the kneecaps to prove he means business. Don Vito then kills them to prove he means business, too!). Luca is now one of the most wanted men in Milan (even his live-in whore leaves him when one of Don Vito's men gives her a titty-twister!), so he goes to friend Enrico (Franco Fabrizi) for a gun and is forced to kill two of Don Vito's men when they try to bring him in. Don Vito threatens the life of Luca's ex-wife Lucia (Sylvia Koscina) and young daughter Rita and when Luca goes to take them to safety, he helpless watches as a van driven by one of Don Vito's men runs them over and kills them (in the film's most shocking scene). The hunted becomes the hunter and, after he kills the van driver, Luca sets his sights on Don Vito. After getting well-deserved justice, Luca must still contend with Dave and Frank. He decides to do so on his terms in an auto junkyard, where a giant claw on a crane comes into play.  This early 70's Italian/German co-production, directed and co-scripted by Fernando Di Leo (SLAUGHTER HOTEL - 1971; MILANO CALIBRO 9 - 1972; KIDNAP SYNDICATE - 1975), is an excellent way to spend 92 minutes, thanks to Mario Adorf's (SHORT NIGHT OF GLASS DOLLS - 1971; THE COED MURDERS - 1974) nuanced performance as Luca, some excellent action set-pieces and a brassy music score. My favorite sequence comes when Luca witnesses his ex-wife and daughter's deaths. He chases down the van driver, first by stealing a car and then in a foot chase in his quest to get retribution. When he jumps on the speeding van and headbutts the windshield until he breaks through the glass to get his hands on the driver (where he eventually stabs the driver in the throat), you know he really means business. What's truly remarkable about Adorf's performance, though, is that he goes through nearly the entire film not knowing why he is a wanted man. When he finally finds out as he corners Don Vito (after killing all his men), you can see in his eyes that he has passed the point of no return. Knowing that the American hitmen will not give up until their contract is completed, Luca kills Don Vito (another very good scene) and sets up a meeting with Dave and Frank in a junkyard, in the film's uncompromising finale (there's a scene with a kitten that will break your heart). Both Henry Silva (ALMOST HUMAN - 1974; CRY OF A PROSTITUTE - 1974) and Woody Strode (THE FINAL EXECUTIONER - 1983; JUNGLE WARRIORS - 1983) are given secondary roles (although Silva does manage to stand-out in his scenes and his death is memorable) and it's plain to see that this is Mario Adorf's film all the way. This film was released theatrically by American International Pictures under the title THE ITALIAN CONNECTION in slightly edited form and was marketed as a blaxploitation film (!) under the title BLACK KINGPIN, prominently displaying Woody Strode's mug on the posters. Under any title (which also includes HITMEN, HIRED TO KILL and MAFIA BOSS), this is a worthwhile film to add to your collection. Also starring Femi Benussi, Gianni Macchia, Peter Berling, Francesca Romana Coluzzi and Cyril Cusack as Corso, the bowtie-wearing N.Y. mobster who hires the hitmen. Italian distributor Raro Video offers a beautiful widescreen print on DVD in both original Italian and English-dubbed versions under the original title LA MALA ORDINA. Originally released on VHS in the U.S. by Media Home Entertainment. Not Rated.

THE MEAN MACHINE (1973) - Back in 1979, I (and countless others) was duped into seeing what I thought was a new horror film called THE CAULDRON OF DEATH. What I actually saw was a retitled Spanish-Italian crime thriller called THE MEAN MACHINE. I was so upset that I never gave this film (nor Film Ventures International, the distributor) the chance to stand on its’ own merits. I still haven’t forgiven Film Ventures, but I decided to view this film again on its’ own merits. I am now a much smarter consumer and should have no one to blame but myself. This is an extremely violent actioner that is severely compromised by the presence of Chris Mitchum. His non-acting style (trying to emulate his father with no success) brings this film down several notches, marring an otherwise bloody good time. Mitchum stars as Rico Aversi, a recently paroled con who returns to his hometown to seek revenge for the brutal murder of his mobster father (seen getting his brains blown out in gory close-up at the beginning of the film). The object of Rico’s revenge is Don Vito (an excellent Arthur Kennedy, who never achieved the recognition he deserved), a local mobster who took over Rico’s family business. Don Vito has a very nasty way of disposing of his enemies: He has them thrown into a vat of caustic acid that he has in his soap factory. He then turns them into bars of soap that he uses for his drug running operation (heroin hidden inside the bars). Rico begins to make life miserable for Don Vito. He breaks into Vito’s house and makes contact with his old girlfriend Rosa (the terminally naked Melisa Longo), who is now Don Vito’s mistress. She agrees to help Rico bring Vito down. Rico then steals a shipment of Vito’s diamonds and disrupts his drug running business. A very pissed-off Don Vito begins to clean house. When he catches Rosa making love with one of his thugs, he castrates the thug and throws him and Rosa into the vat. He also sends his henchmen out to brutally gun down Rico’s sister and brother-in-law (in bed making love) as well as his wheelchair-ridden mother. It all ends in a bloody shoot-out in an abandoned junkyard where there are no happy endings. Chris Mitchum leaves a lot to be desired as an actor (He really didn't hit his stride until the string of films he did in the Philippines and Indonesia, such as AMERICAN COMMANDOS [1986] and FINAL SCORE [1986]). The script calls for an anti-hero that can show emotion and he does not fit the bill. When his family is brutally murdered at the end of the film, he merely acts morose as if he does not care. It ruins the effect of the revenge plot. Mitchum’s presence aside, this film still has a lot to offer exploitation fans. It has wall-to-wall nudity (supplied by the aforementioned Longo and Barbara Bouchet as Rico’s new girlfriend), plenty of gunplay and some nasty bits of gore. One such scene is the castration I mentioned earlier. While you do not see the actual castration (a Venezuelan bootleg edition purportedly shows the entire act!), if you freeze frame just before he is thrown into the vat you can see the gory aftermath. It is not a pretty sight. Film Ventures decided to play up these sequences involving the vat, giving it the moniker THE CAULDRON OF DEATH (see ad mat right) and advertising it as an out-and-out horror film (those deceiving bastards!). They used the same type of campaign in advertising Umberto Lenzi’s crime thriller ALMOST HUMAN (1974 - aka THE KIDNAPPING OF MARY LOU, see review above) the same year! Director Tulio Demicheli shows a deft hand at handling the action sequences where he piles on the exploding squibs and other bloody goings-on. He should have thought about another leading actor though (How about Tomas Milian? He would have been great in this role.). Demicheli also directed the weird and wonderful ASSIGNMENT: TERROR (1969 - aka DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN), SON OF CAPTAIN BLOOD (1962) and many others. The real star of THE MEAN MACHINE is Arthur Kennedy, a top notch actor who revels in his role as Don Vito. With his greased-back hair and thin moustache, he is thoroughly enjoying his role as the head sleazebag. During the 60’s & 70’s Kennedy appeared in many Italian films, including  A MINUTE TO PRAY, A SECOND TO DIE (1967), BREAKFAST AT THE MANCHESTER MORGUE (1974), THE TEMPTER (1974), THE HUMANOID (1979) and countless others. Although he was nominated for the Academy Award no less than four times during the 50’s, he was mainly underutilized during the latter part of his career in the US. That’s a crying shame. THE MEAN MACHINE is strictly Kennedy’s show and we can thank the Italians for using him to his best advantage. This film is also available on cassette under the title RICCO. Beware of this version as it is severely edited, deleting all the gore scenes and most of the nudity. Monterey’s edition is now out of print, so search for it! Available from Alpha Video on VHS under the title GANGLAND. I have no idea what condition this version is in. Rated R. UPDATE: Now available on DVD from Dark Sky Films in a beautiful Unrated widescreen print under the title RICCO THE MEAN MACHINE. Wait until you see the castration scene in all of it's unedited glory!

MISSION: KILLFAST (1982/1991) - Here's a little-seen actioner from director/producer/co-scripter Ted V. Mikels that was started in 1982, but wasn't completed until 1991 due to financial problems (and it shows). Someone steals two nuclear detonators from a U.S. military base, so the government pulls ex-CIA operative Tiger Yang (played appropriately by...Tiger Yang) out of mothballs to retrieve them (he now runs a chain of successful martial arts schools). The bad guys catch wind that Tiger is on their trail, so they decide to strike first and assassinate him like President Kennedy as he rides in a convertible while acting as Grand Marshall of one of the most anemic parades in film history (a mixture of stock parade footage combined with new footage of Tiger sitting in a car with a cheap-ass handwritten "Tiger Yang Grand Marshall" sign attached to the door). Before you can say "second shooter in the grassy knoll", Tiger's CIA associates stop the assassination attempt, but pay for it with their lives. Meanwhile, a ruthless businessman named Murak (Sonny King) plans on using the stolen detonators to create his own nuclear bombs, so Tiger and several of his black belt students intercept the shipment and a fight breaks out (using some of the most exaggerated sound effects you will ever hear this side of a dubbed 70's Hong Kong kung fu flick). Murak feels that there is a snitch in his midst (and rightfully so) and, thinking that model Chantelle (played by Shanti, a.k.a. Wendy O. Altamura) is the perpetrator, has her shot in the head while she's modeling a bikini in a desert photo shoot. Tiger's next assignment is to destroy the base of a paramilitary terrorist group that is building up a supply of powerful weapons (What does this have to do with the rest of the film? I don't know, but I'm sure it has something to do with the troubled production history.). Tiger joins forces with Catt (Sharon Hughes), whose father was murdered by the bad guys, to stop the terrorist group. This somehow involves Catt going undercover as a model at an agency run by Shannon (Kyle E. Cranston). Catt is raped by a crooked cop (who has more hair on his body than an ape), but comes up with valuable information which could break the case (Which case is it now? I'm confused!). When someone stabs Catt to death with a hunting knife, Tiger shifts into shogun mode to get revenge on all the bad guys.  The first thing you'll notice about this flick is the piecemeal feel and look of the entire production. It jumps from one scene to the next without any connective tissue, like it's coming directly from the fragmented mind of an institutionalized schizophrenic. This only adds to the film's charms, because it eventually becomes a game for viewers, as you try to spot the footage shot in 1982 and the footage shot nearly a decade later. It's not that hard to do because the film stock is noticeably different between the two time frames, as are the fashions on view. It's obvious that Mikels was trying to make Tiger Yang (who sports a Charles Bronson-like moustache that changes in thickness from scene-to-scene) his own personal Bruce Lee, but Tiger has the charisma and English language skills of a tree branch and Mikels has no idea how to frame a martial arts fight. This film also contains a lot of Mikels' signature traits, including overuse of stock footage; stock sound effects (whenever a moving car is shown, we hear the sound of squealing tires, even if they are traveling in a straight line or on a dirt road); threadbare sets; MOS sound (one scene shows two guys talking by a lake filled with quacking ducks and it becomes a chore making out what the guys are saying over the din of the ducks!); amateur acting; a smattering of blood; and a couple of scenes of female nudity, including a girl with the skinniest (not small, just skinny), perkiest breasts I have ever had the pleasure to view. Mikels (the director of such fare as THE ASTRO ZOMBIES [1968] and THE CORPSE GRINDERS [1971]) appears briefly as a terrorist in footage shot in 1982. No bones about it, this is a terrible film that makes no sense at all (people appear and then disappear, never to be heard from again, as their story lines are simply dropped in hopes we don't notice), but it's the film's innate terribleness that makes it so watchable. Be prepared, though, because this is a loooong 97 minutes. Originally titled OMEGA ASSASSINS and filmed in Reno and Las Vegas. Also starring Myron Natwick, Ronald Gregg, Rex Ravelle, Chuck Alford, Harry Pugh, Ron Ewart, Robert Legionaire, Behrouz, Perry Genovese and Jewel Shepard as Miss August. This can be purchased directly from Mr. Mikel's web site: www.tedvmikels.com. Not Rated.

MOVIE IN ACTION (1987) - When it came to Filipino action films, it was hard to beat the teaming of late director Teddy Page (here using the name "Ted Johnson") and (usually) uncredited producer K.Y. Lim and his Silver Star Film Company production outfit. MOVIE IN ACTION opens with a heated battle between guys in military gear and Asian bad guys in Thailand, only to be revealed to be nothing but a low-budget film shoot a few minutes later. As they set up their next camera shot, we get to meet the film crew, which includes Frank (Bo Svenson; DEADLY IMPACT - 1984), the director; Billy (Mike Monty; JUST A DAMNED SOLDIER - 1988), the producer; Brian (Jim Gaines; JUNGLE RATS - 1987), the soundman; Keith (David Brass; THE TOMB - 2004), the cameraman; Lee (Liza Hutton), the make-up girl; Robert (Robert Mason; WAR WITHOUT END - 1986), the special effects technician; Mike (Don Holden), the lead actor; and Susan (Chantal Mansfield), the prima-donna lead actress. As they roll for their next scene, things take a turn for the worse when a group of real-life rebels kidnap Susan and shoot-up the film set with real bullets, hitting Frank in the leg. The movie is immediately shut down and Frank and Billy go to the American Embassy for help. When the Embassy and the Thai government offer little help in rescuing Susan, Frank and his team of filmmakers spring into action to rescue Susan on their own. Since Susan was wearing a wireless body microphone when she was kidnapped, the crew is able to track her location after stealing a signal-enhancing device from a military outpost (using one of Robert's remote control cars as a decoy to distract the guards). While Frank is unable to go with them because of his injured leg and Billy mysteriously giving them only 72 hours before he pulls the plug, the rest of the ragtag gang (they call themselves "Movie Warriors") illegally enter Cambodia and each uses their separate talents to get closer to their goal of rescuing Susan. Attention-whore Billy (ever know a producer who isn't one?) may blow the whole enterprise when he holds daily press conferences to report on the Movie Warriors' progress. After many close calls, the Movie Warriors reach their objective and save Susan, only to discover Billy is the brains behind the kidnapping as a way to collect insurance money on a film he didn't want completed. Just when things look dire for the Movie Warriors, Franks shows up and saves the day. Luckily, Keith recorded everything on-camera and the film turns into a giant hit. Next up: Maybe a film in Afghanistan as a favor to President Reagan!  Though light as a feather when it comes to common sense (You mean to tell me that not one of the bad guys bothered to frisk Susan? And how long does the battery on a body mike last anyway?), MOVIE IN ACTION delivers the goods when it comes to violence and pyrotechnics. Lots of objects explode (including a booby-trapped dummy Robert rigs to explode when a bad guy kicks it) and gunfights ensue as the film progresses, as each member of the team puts their film knowledge to real-life use (Combat trained Mike and special effects tech Robert get the biggest workouts here). It's hilarious watching the usually tough Jim Gaines play such a timid, gay character here, as Brian is such a scaredy cat, he is literally ordered by Mike (who channels his film's macho character) to join the team (Brian does have a redeeming moment in the finale, though). There are some inventive gags (Lee covering everyone in stage blood to make them look dead to the enemy; turning a Jeep into an ox-driven hay cart; the team sporting rubber horror masks to scare a local villager so they can steal his buffalo cart), but this is mostly a humorous (if violent) tale about people banding together for the common good. Nobody really likes Susan, but as Frank says in the beginning of the film, "We all came here together and we'll all leave together!" Not such a bad philosophy to have, is it? Director Teddy Page (BLOOD DEBTS - 1983; NINJA'S FORCE - 1984; PHANTOM SOLDIERS - 1987; and many others), working with a script by actor Robert Marius (COP GAME - 1988; ALIEN FROM THE DEEP - 1989), keeps the tone light, as all the major characters survive (even Billy, who gets a proper comeuppance in the finale) and the deaths only come at the expense of the faceless hordes of bad guys and one jerk (played by Anthony Young) who clearly has the hots for Susan. Not as frantic as Page's full-on action flicks, but a pleasant diversion nonetheless. Also starring Peter King, Michael Walter, Frank Nicholson and Anne Joseph. Never legitimately available on home video in the U.S. in any format; the print I viewed was sourced from a fullscreen Dutch-subtitled VHS tape. Not Rated.

THE MURDER GANG (1976) - Every once in a while a film comes along that shows a style and craftmanship that completely changes the viewer's expectations of that particular genre. NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD and THE EXORCIST forever changed the way we looked at horror films and BONNIE AND CLYDE and THE GODFATHER did the same thing for gangster epics. Unfortunately, THE MURDER GANG is not one of those films. It's a bottom of the barrel crime meller from the late Al Adamson, the low budget auteur responsible for much of the trash such as, MEAN MOTHER (1973), DYNAMITE BROTHERS (1974) and BLACK SAMURAI (1977), that litters the video shelves. GANG is filled with shootings, stabbings, car crashes, impalements, dismemberment, nudity, lesbianism and even a fairly graphic gang rape, yet it still puts the viewer into a deep coma as it is filmed in such a lazy, lackadaisical manner that the entire proceedings seem boring. The film's thin storyline is about a gang of crooks (led by a coked-out looking Russ Tamblyn and black actor J.C. Wells who portrays a character named "Guido"!) whom blackmail a gambling-addicted girl (Jana Bellan) into giving them the route of a money-carrying messenger who works at her stock brokerage firm. They plan to rob the messenger, use the money to buy automatic weapons and trade those weapons for drugs from some unnamed Latin American country. Got it? What the gang didn't count on is being dogged by a cop (Timothy Brown) who is out for revenge for the killing of his partner by Tamblyn's hands.  The film has many gaffes: The sound of tires screeching and squealing on a dirt road, flubbed lines, visible boom mikes and Regina Carrol's hilarious portrayal of a lounge singer whose lips rarely match the lyrics she is crooning. There is also some wild 70's fashions on view as the men walk around in bell bottom pants and the women are either in bikinis, evening gowns or pantsuits that were all the rage in that time period. A subplot involving Brown and a lady TV reporter goes nowhere and is just an excuse to show them in bed making love. The entire film is shot in a series of long takes (some of them seeming to go on forever) that will tax even the most patient viewers. They don't get much worse than this and the only reason you can have for watching it (besides being under the influence of a controlled substance) is for the unintentional humor. Like most of Adamson's films it is known under a myriad of titles, including BLACK HEAT, GIRLS' HOTEL and U.S. VICE. This is not quality entertainment under any title. A Super Video Release. Rated R.

MY BOYS ARE GOOD BOYS (1977) - Repeat juvenile offender Tommy Morton (Sean T. Roche) is upset at his father Bert (executive producer Ralph Meeker; THE ALPHA INCIDENT - 1978) and uber-religious mother (Ida Lupino; FOOD OF THE GODS - 1976; also starring Meeker) for letting him get sentenced to a youth detention work camp after being caught robbing a store and stealing a car. Tommy enacts his revenge by breaking out of juvie with two other escapees, Pokey (Ron Anthony) and bumbling fatso Chunkie (Robert Cokjlat), as well as girlfriend on the outside, Priscilla (Kerry Lynn), and robbing the armored car driven by Bert (An overly complicated and convenient caper involving canisters of knockout gas. Where in the hell do kids get canisters of knockout gas?). Things immediately go sideways when Tommy discovers that they robbed the armor car a little too soon, as they haven't picked up money from any of the businesses yet, so Tommy comes up with a new plan: He takes Bert and the other two guards hostage and makes them complete their pick-ups (Tommy and the rest of his gang wear ski masks so no one can see their faces). Trouble ensues when Bert falls behind schedule of his pick-ups and incurs the wrath of his uptight boss, Mr. Mountgomery (Lloyd Nolan), who dislikes Bert and follows behind the armored car with his beefy bodyguard. This leads to a laughable car chase (Old lady with shopping cart crossing the street? Check. Parked car opening door just as car is whizzing by? Check. Driving the wrong way on a one-way street? Check.), where Mountgomery's car crashes through a florist shop (Well, at least it wasn't a fruits and vegetable stand!), allowing the armored car to escape. Tommy and the gang knock-out Bert and the guards with the gas again and return to the youth detention center undetected, leaving the money with Priscilla. Back at the police station, Bert is unable to identify the robbers and slugs a detective when he insinuates that he was in on the robbery. Mountgomery fires Bert from his job and tails him, but he eventually helps Bert in investigating who the robbers really are (All Bert can recall is that the leader of the gang's voice sounded familiar. Hmmmmmm......). When Bert visits Tommy at the center, he finally puts two-and-two together and reports his son's involvement to Mountgomery, who goes to the facility and begins breaking down the alibi's of Tommy and his friends (It's the film's best-written section). The finale reveals that you should trust no one when it comes to large sums of money.  This tame thriller, directed by Bethel Buckalew, who is best remembered for his string of "hicksploitation" flicks, including COUNTRY CUZZINS (1970), TOBACCO ROODY (1970), MIDNIGHT PLOWBOY (1971) and SOUTHERN COMFORTS (1971), amongst others, and co-written by Buckalew and Colleen Meeker (Ralph's young wife), has a few action sequences, but is mostly a dull drama about parent/child relationships. To say that this drama is heavy-handed and unrealistic is a total understatement. Not only is Tommy's relationship with Bert one of the bitterest father/son dynamics on record, the husband/wife rapport between Meeker (a long way from KISS ME DEADLY - 1955) and Lupino (who retired from filmmaking after appearing in this) is one of the most hateful and acerbic marriages I have ever seen. As a matter of fact, the only character in this film that remotely has anything close to a human soul is kindly reformatory guard Harry (David Doyle, "Bosley" from TV's CHARLIE'S ANGELS [1976 - 1981]), but he is also unmasked as a murderer when he is interrogated by Mountgomery (In all fairness to Harry, he murdered his abusive father when he was a teen, which now makes him protective of "my boys" in the reformatory). You would think that all this unpleasantness would make for good drama, but Buckalew plays everything here squeaky clean. There is nary a profane word spoken or a drop of blood spilled, which made this perfect TV fodder, where it played in heavy rotation during the late 70's and early 80's. To Buckalew's credit, he does try to throw in a surprise ending (where character actor John Goff [PISTOL PACKIN' LEROY - 1973; who is also the Assistant Director here] plays an important role), but it's a case of too little way too late. This has to be the most sanitary film about a cast of unsavory and back-stabbing people in celluloid history. Even Mr. Rogers would find this hard to swallow. It also contains one of the worst music soundtracks (including a horrendous Country-tinged title song) that my ears ever had the displeasure of hearing. This was originally released on VHS by Magnum Entertainment and has now fallen into the public domain. It is available on DVD from Mill Creek Entertainment as part of their ACTION CLASSICS 50 MOVIE PACK. Rated PG.

NO CONTEST (1994)  - Excellent actioner that is short on logic but long on thrills. Andrew Dice Clay (!) and his well-armed gang (including Roddy Piper in a rare bad-guy role) invade the Ms. Galaxy beauty pageant and take the finalists hostage (Clay shoots the winner, Ms. France, in the head to prove he means business). Clay demands ten million dollars from the father of Ms. USA for the release of the hostages. What Clay doesn’t count on is the constant interference of a fading martial arts film actress (Shannon Tweed), the MC of the pageant, and the bodyguard (Robert Davi) hired to protect Ms. USA. Clay (billed here as “Andrew Clay”) shows a deft hand in his role of a killer without a conscience, willing to sacrifice the hostages and his own men to get the ten million. I never liked Clay as an actor, but I must admit that he is quite good here in a role that should have bolstered his flagging career. Roddy Piper, in a supporting role, is very menacing as the nearly indestructable Ice, who takes licking after licking but keeps coming back for more. Filled with excellent action and fighting scenes, including exploding bracelets and countless gunfights that are well staged, this film also has relentless tension that never lets up. This is a sure winner in a field full of losers, due in a large part to the atypical casting and the feeling that everyone in front and behind the cameras wanted to turn out something good. They did. Co-starring Nicholas Campbell (NAKED LUNCH - 1991). Directed with a firm hand by Paul Lynch (PROM NIGHT - 1980; BULLIES - 1986). It premiered on HBO and is available on Columbia Tristar Home Video. It is the main reason why I pay my cable bill. Also known as RUNNING OUT: COUNTDOWN TO DEATH. Rated R.

NO TIME TO DIE (1985) - The same year they appeared in Bobby A. Suarez's AMERICAN COMMANDOS, John Phillip Law and Christopher Mitchum co-starred in this West German/Indonesian co-production, originally made for German TV. Law stars as ladies man (and former diamond smuggler) Ted Barner, who shows an interest in World News Agency reporter Judy Staufer (Grazyna Dylong), who is in Jakarta to investigate rumors of a new laser cannon being developed by huge conglomerate Multi Industrial Corporation. Also in town is Mr. Gull (Mitchum), the head of MIC's rival corporation. He hires Handoko (Advent Bangun of THE BLIND WARRIOR - 1985) and Jan Van Cleef (Francis Glutton) to steal the laser cannon. Ted cons Judy into believing that he works for MIC, but little does he know that his lies and bullshit will get him involved with the rivalry between Mr. Gull and MIC, especially since Van Cleef is Ted's old diamond smuggling partner who Ted left holding the bag in South Africa. Somehow, Ted gets a job with MIC driving the truck on the long journey to it's testing ground: a mine in the Indonesian mountains. Judy finds out about Ted's new job and plays Van Cleef against Ted to get her story. As Ted, MIC security chief Ratno "Pat" Lesmana (Barry Prima of THE WARRIOR - 1981) and MIC scientist Martin Forster (Horst Janson of CAPTAIN KRONOS: VAMPIRE HUNTER - 1974) drive the truck with the laser cannon to it's destination (They smoke a joint and drink booze in the truck's cabin, where Pat says, "A joint in the morning and the day is your friend!"), Handoko, Van Cleef and a bunch of paid muscle try their their best to hijack the truck, but a combination of Ted's driving skill, Martin's quick-thinking and Pat's derring-do foil several attempts. When Judy joins them (She has a helicopter drop her in the middle of the road while she rides a rope ladder!), things take a turn for the worse. Pat is shot dead and Ted gets a radio message that he's got to pick up the pace because the mine has just had a cave-in and they need the laser cannon to save the miners trapped below. And, oh yeah, one of the trapped miners is Martin's brother (c'mon now!). As air for for the miners runs low, Ted, Martin and Judy must traverse a section of road full of land mines and a final assault by Van Cleef and his men. They arrive at the mine in the nick of time and everyone (besides Van Cleef and his men) live happily ever after.  Compared to most Indonesian action flicks, NO TIME TO DIE is rather routine and slow-moving. This is probably due to the fact that this was directed by a German (Helmuth Ashley, who also directed PUZZLE [SECRET] OF THE RED ORCHID - 1961) rather than local talent and it suffers because of it. There are plenty of action scenes (including a homage to WAGES OF FEAR [1953], where Ted has to drive the truck over a rickety bamboo bridge), but they lack the verve and the craziness we've come to expect from this section of the Far East. The closest this film comes to that craziness is the opening scene where Ted spots the beautiful Judy in her Jeep, he gets instantly horny and he chases her on his motorcycle, driving up on sidewalks, through an outdoor cafe and generally ignoring anyone's safety until, finally, he forces Judy to crash her Jeep into the front of a business, all because he wanted to get laid! John Phillip Law looks like he is having fun here (he's usually stiff as a hard-on in a whorehouse), which is one of the film's saving graces. The other saving grace is the scene where Van Cleef accidentally runs over one of his own men in his Jeep and when Ted, Martin and Judy witness it, they all have a good laugh after Martin says, "He should have taken the train!" That's just what this film needed more of but, unfortunately, it doesn't, so it's somewhat of a disappointment. It's not awful, it's just that I expected more than what the final product delivered. Christopher Mitchum, who would reach dizzying new heights (literally) in director Arizal's crazy action flick FINAL SCORE the next year, has nothing but an extended cameo here (he gets a "Special Guest Star" billing). Also starring Eric Moss, Eddy Wardy, I.M. Damsyik and Dicky Zulkarnaen. A Trans World Entertainment Home Video Release (I love the way they pump-up Mitchum's muscles on the VHS box's cover. It has nothing whatsoever to do with the film.). Not Rated.

OFFICIAL EXTERMINATOR 4: GODDESS MISSION (1988) - Welcome to the cut-and-paste world of director Godfrey Ho (here credited as "Joel Law") and producer Joseph Lai (for his IFD Films & Arts Ltd. production company), where nothing makes a lick of sense, but, holy cow, it sure is entertaining. The film opens (this is the fourth of five OFFICIAL EXTERMINATOR films, none of them related in any way), as most of these pastiche films do, with a bit of newly-shot footage, where crime kingpin Curtis (Mike Abbott; LETHAL HUNTER - 1988) and his men beat the shit out of and kill Albert, an undercover cop who (not so successfully) infiltrated their ranks. It then segues into the film proper, an unreleased Hong Kong action flick where we watch kidnapped girl Cindy (Fonda Lynn; DEADLY DARLING - 1985) being raped by one of her kidnappers. Cindy and her three male kidnapped friends escape a short time later (Cindy stabs one of her captors in the stomach), steal a pink station wagon (!) and end up ditching it when they are chased by the cops (they run away from the cops because they are in the country illegally and don't have drivers licenses!). We then switch back to the new footage, where cop Ken Logan (Mark Watson, who appeared with Abbott in PLATOON THE WARRIORS and ANGEL'S BLOOD MISSION the same year as this) agrees to go undercover in Curtis' crime syndicate and get even for friend Albert's murder. Cut back to the old footage, where we watch Cindy shining shoes in a cleavage-baring outfit, with a bunch of dirty old men waiting in line for their turn (one horny man watches her through a hole he poked through a newspaper, right next to a Hagar The Horrible comic strip!). She is strong-armed by a street gang, who want her to put-out sexually or pay protection money, but she beats them all to a pulp with her kung-fu skills. Cindy and her three male friends are just trying to find a way to survive on the mean streets of Hong Kong without being caught by the cops and sent back to Mainland China. They resort to petty theft and pick pocketing, but things take a turn for the worse when Cindy picks the pockets of the Chief of Detectives. Feeling guilty about stealing the Chief's wallet, Cindy sneaks into his home and returns it, but instead of being happy about getting his wallet back, the Chief orders his men to find Cindy and her three male friends, no matter what it takes. Meanwhile, Ken has infiltrated Curtis' organization, has gained Curtis' confidence and is hired to be a member of his gang. Ken gets into several close calls where his cover is nearly blown, but he manages to fight or shoot his way out of them. The Chief and his squad relentlessly pursue Cindy and her friends, but, time and time again, Cindy escapes, leaving the Chief red-faced. When Frankie, one of Cindy's friends, is caught, Cindy and her other two friends, Charles and Paul, try to rescue him but are double-crossed by hobo Uncle Lee and are also captured by the Chief. The Chief works out a deal with Cindy: If she and her friends agree to go undercover and bring down a crime syndicate in league with Curtis, he will let them live in Hong Kong as legal citizens. When Cindy discovers that her rapist is part of the syndicate, she's more than glad to take part. The finale finds Cindy and her friends achieving their goals and Ken battling to the death with Curtis in a Hong Kong water canal.  This contains all the normal Ho/Lai trademarks: Hilarious dialogue (script by Ho as "Benny Ho"); obvious intercutting of old and new footage (Whenever a phone rings in the old footage, you can bet that someone in the new footage is on the other end); scenes of rape (Late in the film, syndicate leader Eagle tries to rape Cindy and when she fights back, he says, "What's all the fuss? It's not as if you're a virgin! What's wrong with a little cuddle?"); stolen music cues (Richard band's theme from RE-ANIMATOR plays predominately in the background during one scene!); and there's even an appearance by a brightly colored ninja (with one of those "Ninja" headbands) during one of Ken's fights. GODDESS MISSION is an entertaining mishmash that also contains a catfight in a hot tub; a sub-plot about illegal aliens being purposely abused and shafted by their employers; a couple of good fight scenes (both in the old and new footage); and Mike Abbott's steely glare. His eyes are so wide-open in some scenes (especially in the opening and closing minutes), he looks like he's been on a week-long coke-fueled binge. I'm a big fan of Mike's, since he's the only actor I have ever seen that has a gap between both his upper and lower teeth and still comes off as menacing. Also starring Gary Carter, Eric Hopper, Angus Grooer, Bernard Tsui, Paul Lam, Dick Chan, George Ma and William Wang. Never available on home video in the U.S. (hell, it's not even listed on IMDB), the version I viewed was sourced from a Greek-subtitled VHS tape. Not Rated.

OPERATION NAM (1985) - Pretty good Italian war actioner that will disturb some viewers with it's anti-American dialogue and situations. Four Vietnam vets, Richard (Oliver Tobias; BREEDERS - 1997), Roger (Christopher Connelly; RAIDERS OF ATLANTIS - 1983), Mark (Manfred Lehmann; CODENAME: WILDGEESE - 1984) and James (John Steiner; ARK OF THE SUN GOD - 1983), decide to go back to Vietnam and rescue American POWs that are still being held ten years after the war has ended. Since the American government would rather the public not be aware that there are Americans still being held in captivity in Vietnam, the foursome enter Vietnam in secrecy and begin their mission, aided by information supplied to them by their former commanding officer, Major Morris (Italian genre director Enzo G. Castellari; HAMMERHEAD - 1987), who was forced to retire because he wanted the government to rescue the POWs. Once in Vietnam, our four heroes get help from Father Lenoir (an extended cameo by Donald Pleasence), a French priest who has been in Vietnam since the 1950's. He supplies the vets with automatic weapons and explosives and then leads them on their first leg of the journey. After helplessly watching a group of Vietcong soldiers torturing an American POW in a river, the vets follow the enemy back to their camp, where Richard's Nam flashback nearly costs everyone their lives. Luckily, they are able to kill all the guards and rescue a handful of POWs, including Mike (Ethan Wayne), who tells them that the American government has been fully aware of their captivity and location for the past ten years, even sending government officials every year to check up on them, but have done absolutely nothing in regards to their freedom. Now, our motley group must make it out of Vietnam in one piece, which won't be easy because both the Vietnamese and American governments don't want the POWs to make it back to the States alive. After nearly making it to safety, the three remaining vets are forced to make a decision that will save their lives but certainly doom the POWs. In a scene that will surely surprise most viewers, the trio agrees to the arrangement, but as the final denouement reveals, the American government can't be trusted to keep their word. It's one of the bleakest endings of a war actioner that I have witnessed in quite some time.  Originally filmed as COBRA MISSION, but changed to OPERATION NAM for it's U.S. VHS release, this is a pretty heady mix of bloody war action and political intrigue (especially it's anti-American slant), which I'm sure would not please Ethan Wayne's father, John 'Duke' Wayne, if he were still alive at the time of this film's production. This film has a striking hatred of American policies and politics and there are some amazing scenes to illustrate this bias, including a young Vietnamese woman who removes her blouse, revealing her horribly burned breasts. She says just two words, "American napalm", before shooting Mark several times in the stomach with a pistol, killing him. Up until that shocking moment, the sequence is played as a love scene, where we are led to believe that Mark and the woman were about to have sex. The four vets are also the most unlikely heroes in a war film. Roger is a slacker who lives off his wife's fortune and has to be pulled away from playing video games on his TV on the day of his daughter's wedding. Richard has spent the last ten years in voluntary committal in a mental institution because he doesn't want to live in society. Mark is a hothead who only finds satisfaction when he beats up people who ridicule or put down Vietnam veterans (There's one scene at a bar where the dialogue is so vitriolic, I wanted to beat the shit out of the two bar patrons!). James is a loner who takes odd jobs as he travels from town-to-town, because he just doesn't know how to relate to people. Director Fabrizio DeAngelis (DEADLY IMPACT - 1984; KARATE WARRIOR - 1987), working with a script supplied by him (under his frequent pseudonym "Larry Ludman"), A.J. Bleman and European exploitation staple Erwin C. Dietrich, seems to be implying that the Vietnam war has permanently damaged not only the soldiers that fought in it, but also the governments responsible for it. It's a nihilistic view that is best summed-up by the film's remarkably downbeat finale, where American Colonel Mortimer (Gordon Mitchell; BLOOD DELIRIUM - 1988) rescues the three remaining vets, but makes them leave Mike, the sole surviving POW, behind to be recaptured by the Vietcong. It's an image you won't soon forget. The nihilism doesn't end there, though. We're informed that Roger was killed in an auto "accident" two weeks after he returned to the States; James died while piloting a helicopter in Thailand; and the final image is of Richard back in the mental hospital, only this time it's not of his own choice. He sits in a wheelchair, obviously in a drugged-out haze, his eyes showing no signs of humanity. As far as Vietnam war films go, OPERATION NAM is one of the most grimmest and hopeless action films you're ever likely to view. Search it out. Just don't expect to feel good after watching it. An unrelated sequel, COBRA MISSION 2 (1988), was produced by DeAngelis and directed by Camillo Teti (as "Mark Davis"). Also starring Thomas Moore and David Light. Released on VHS by Imperial Entertainment Corp. and not available on DVD in the U.S. (there is an Italian DVD available, though). Not Rated due to some extreme violence, including Richard graphically gunning down the napalm-scarred woman after she kills Mark.

OPIUM STRIKE FORCE (1985) - The Thai government sends a man in undercover to a guerilla compound to bring down Thailand's biggest drug lord, who supplies opium to most of the world and buy guns and men with his profits. He joins a group of thugs that the compound is training to become soldiers for the drug lord's army. A local warlord stops by the camp to complain to the drug lord ("You do not respect me!"), only to be ambushed by Burmese troops as he leaves the camp. He is saved by a mysterious stranger (actually another government spy) who guns down all the troops. The warlord brings him back to his camp. The first undercover guy meets two other men that the government sent to help him. They watch the camp carefully, looking for any weaknesses that they can exploit later on. When the warlord finds out that the troops that attacked him were not Burmese but, rather, the drug lord's men in disguise, he goes back to the drug lord's compound , only to be beat up and injected with drugs. After disciplining his men for being insubordinate (he shoots three of them point blank), the drug lord send his new recruits on their first drug run but, for some reason, the undercover guy is chained-up and stays behind. He becomes friends with the compound's only female soldier, Tulip (!), after fixing her Jeep. (When he tells her that he was in prison, she asks him, "Were you in for robbery?" He replies matter-of-factly, "No, I killed my wife and her mother in bed.") He sets up a series of events that will pit the drug lord's men against the warlord's men (turns out the warlord was Tulip's uncle). Many gunfights and explosions follow once the drug lord shoots the warlord in front of Tulip. I dare anyone to make sense of the incomprehensible Indonesian piece of crap. I love Indonesian action films, but this one sorely lacks the rapid-fire pace, violence and kinetic energy associated with with many films from this region (i.e. FINAL SCORE - 1986). This film just drags from beginning to end and very little of it is interesting. The dubbing is especially dicey (everyone talks like William Shatner, as there are long pauses in mid-sentence) as is the photography (it's either extreme close-ups or long shots). Even the most exploitable elements are handled poorly. There's an auction for prostitutes at the compound (there aren't enough women to go around) and the resulting nudity and gang rape of one girl is so confusingly shot, it ruins the effectiveness. Even the violence is tame by Indonesian standards. Just a few bullets to the head and body and a couple of beatdowns. Of course, there's plenty of gunfire, explosions and things on fire, but none of it interesting or exciting. I must say I was highly disappointed. I expected craziness and got laziness instead. You can't win them all. Also known as RAIDERS OF THE GOLDEN TRIANGLE. Directed by Sumat Saichur (AFTER THE FALL OF SAIGON - 1985). Starring Sarapong Chatri, Manny Aswater, Peter Ramwa, Sam Tham, Joe Patan, Jane Turks, Panda McClure, Nicor Lugar and Strom Baker. A Link Video Release. Not Rated.

PANTHER SQUAD (1984) - This is an abysmal so-called action film, starring and co-produced by Sybil Danning (CAT IN THE CAGE - 1978), that looks like it was spliced together with a chainsaw. This has the look and feel of a Jess Franco film, and if you will bear with me, I'll explain why. It's full of stock shots, quick editing, vaseline covered lenses and zoom shots. The film contains footage of other European films. Co-stars Karin Shubert and Jack Taylor have appeared in many of Franco's films. Producer Daniel Lesoeur has also been involved in more than his share of Franco's work. It was executive produced by A.L. Mariaux, and while Mr. Mariaux is a real person, Franco has been known to use his name on occasion. Director Peter Knight is a pseudonym for Pierre Chevalier, a frequent producer for Franco. And finally, the film stinks to high heaven. Silly plot involves Ms. Danning and her team of female commandos on a mission to rescue a woman astronaut taken hostage by an anti-pollution terrorist group! Jack Taylor is Danning's alcohol-sodden partner. Donald O'Brien (DR. BUTCHER M.D.) also appears. This film is so lame that Ms. Danning does not disrobe once and neither do her commandos. So what's the point? The film is Rated R but could have easily gotten a PG. There is no nudity and no blood, just extremely mild violence. It is disjointed and suffers a severe lack of continuity. What a mess. (Hey! It sounds like I'm describing a Franco film, doesn't it?) Mercifully, it runs a scant 77 minutes. Thank God for small blessings. A Lightning Video Release.

PAY OR DIE (1979) - You know you are in for something special when the first line spoken in this film comes from mobster Lucifer "The Devil" Devlin (Johnny Wilson) as he is yelling at all his underbosses: "How in the hell are we going to push drugs when we don't have any pushers?" Yes, this is Filipino director/producer Bobby A. Suarez's third film in the Cleopatra Wong series, which previously included THEY CALL HER...CLEOPATRA WONG (1978) and DYNAMITE JOHNSON (1978), all starring Marrie Lee as Cleopatra Wong. This latest chapter is much more ribald and sexual than the first two and contains a lot of gay stereotypes, homosexual humor and fat jokes. The underbosses, led by hook-handed Manny (Dick Adair, who also co-wrote the screenplay with Joseph Zucchero), grow tired of Devlin's mistreatment, so they kidnap his daughter, Debbie (Cynthia Rodrigo) and give Devlin 72 hours to deliver one million dollars and turn over all his business documents or they will kill Debbie. Devlin calls Interpol agent Cleopatra Wong in Singapore to help him rescue his daughter. Cleo agrees to help Devlin in exchange that when his daughter is safe, he turns over to Cleo all the names and details of his drug business. Devlin agrees and Cleo goes about putting together a team, which includes flamboyantly gay corrupt ex-cop Terry (an over-the-top Franco Guerrero, here billed as "Chito Guerrero") and an extremely overweight female psychic with the descriptive name of Rotunda (Florence Carvajal). This extremely unlikely trio then goes about finding the three underbosses, Manny, Moe and Jack (!), with each one going after a different underboss. Terry goes undercover (dressed as a female hooker!) to meet Manny at his bar (Terry introduces him/herself to Manny by saying, "I'm a virgin...with lots of references!" to which Manny replies, "Guess which hand has the peanut? [After placing Terry's hand on his crotch] This one!"). Rotunda goes to Moe's (Danny Rojo) gambling parlor, where she uses her psychic powers to win at blackjack. Cleo pretends to be a junkie to get close to Jack (Ted Deelman). Unfortunately, all three strike out in their pursuits of their prey, so they rethink their strategy and decide to work as a team to rescue Debbie, which leads to many martial arts fights and the unlikeliest motorcycle/car chase in film history. The finale takes place on the beach, where the trio must not only save Debbie (who is buried up to her neck in the sand with high tide approaching), but also Devlin, who has decided to pay the ransom (after witnessing how inept Cleo and her two friends really are), but Manny, Moe and Jack double cross him anyway.  Bobby A. Suarez is my favorite Filipino action director (his output is nowhere as prolific as Cirio H. Santiago, but he is much more consistent) and this film is a good indicator why. Suarez never takes the material seriously (in lesser hands, the gay humor and fat jokes would probably be considered offensive, but here they are just goofy), yet he manages to give all the heroes and villains distinct personalities and dishes out tons of intentionally funny one-liners, including "How would you like to get fingered by Captain Hook?" and "I want Manny's ass, not his pants!" (I also like how Debbie teases Manny by calling him "Hooky" and watching him doing a slow burn while saying, "I'll show you hooky!" as he waves his metal appendage in the air.). The action scenes are purposely staged to be humorous, especially Terry's martial arts fights (he gets a precarious thrill every time he touches a bad guy's ass) and the obese Rotunda (who is never without some type of food in her purse, including sandwiches and bananas) walking up a rickety wooden ladder and then trying to shimmy across a trapeze wire, only to have the wire snap, causing her to crash through a cement wall. The sight of Cleo, Terry and Rotunda riding down the highway in a combination motorcycle/sidecar is an image that will not soon leave your memory. Director Suarez, who made more serious films like ONE ARMED EXECUTIONER (1980; also starring Guerrero), AMERICAN COMMANDOS (1985) and WARRIORS OF THE APOCALYPSE (1985), keeps things nice and loose here, yet he imbues his stereotyped heroes with a sense of bravura missing from other films in the same mold. This was originally released to theaters under the title DEVIL'S THREE: THE KARATE KILLERS with a totally misleading ad campaign that made it look like a serious action film like ENTER THE DRAGON (1973). I would have loved to see the faces of audience members once they were introduced to the likes of Terry and Rotunda. That would have been worth the price of admission alone. It was then retitled PAY OR DIE and released by Terry Levine's Aquarius Films in the early 80's with an equally serious ad campaign. Also known as DEVIL'S ANGELS and MEAN BUSINESS. Mel Welles (the director of LADY FRANKENSTEIN - 1971) was the Dialogue Director. Also starring Lauro Flores, Jennie Perez, Joe Cunahan, Nestie Mercado, Jim Babb, Ken Metcalfe and the P.I.S. Stuntmen (P.I.S.S.!). Released on VHS as part of Sybil Danning's Adventure Video series from U.S.A. Home Video in a very scratchy and jumpy print. Not available on DVD. Rated R.

PHANTOM SOLDIERS (1987) - War action as only the Filipinos can do it. The film opens with a squad of faceless (thanks to the gasmasks they are wearing) Phantom Soldiers, all dressed in black bio-suits and impervious to bullets and pain, as they raid a North Vietnamese village. They enter the village with guns and grenade launchers blazing, slaughtering innocent men, women and children until they corner the surviving villagers at a beachhead, where they release canisters of poison nerve gas and watch callously as the exposed villagers gasp their last breaths. As they exit the destroyed village, one of the soldiers leaves their calling card: a human skull on a pole with two crossed swords tattooed across the forehead. At the Texas/Mexico border halfway across the world, Texas Ranger Daniel Custer (Max Thayer; THE RETRIEVERS - 1982) leads some DEA agents on a raid of a Mexican drug lord's compound, which leads to a massive gun battle with multiple explosions, resulting in Daniel capturing his prey. Back in Vietnam, Daniel's brother, Lt. Michael Custer (Corwyn Sperry; BATTLE RATS - 1988), leads a platoon of soldiers on a recon mission and stumble upon the slaughtered village. This isn't the first time that Lt. Custer has witnessed the after-effects of the Phantom Soldiers (his commanding officer has a collection of tattooed skulls back at base camp), so he disobeys direct orders and hunts down the phantom platoon with his own squad of soldiers, which includes tracker Red Legs (co-scripter Jim Gaines). Lt. Custer and his men are led into a trap after meeting CIA operative Colonel Hammer (Jack Yates), who offers to take them to the CIA's secret camp. Lt. Custer ends up missing in action, so Korean War veteran brother Daniel heads to Vietnam to search for him. Daniel proves his worthiness as a soldier when he single-handedly saves a squad of American soldiers from a VC surprise assault. When The U.S. refuses to help him find his brother, Daniel gets help from a captured VC soldier, who leads him to the secret CIA base, where Daniel is knocked-out and captured by Colonel Hammer. As Daniel will soon find out, his own government and Russia are behind the creation of the Phantom Soldiers, but will he or his brother survive to tell the world the truth?  Action-packed and bloody as hell, this Philippines-lensed flick, directed by action specialist Teddy Page (BLOOD DEBTS - 1983; JUNGLE RATS - 1987), here billed as "Irvin Johnson", contains many well-staged action set-pieces and a good amount of weird visuals, especially when the jackbooted, gasmasked Phantom Soldiers attack. The opening slaughter of the North Vietnamese village has an otherworldly feel to it, as the Phantom unit looks more like aliens than they do soldiers, indiscriminately killing everyone in their path, be it men, women or children, without the slightest sign of hesitation or remorse. The script, by co-star Jim Gaines (BLACK FIRE - 1985; ROBOWAR - 1988) and Rod Davies, is full of the prerequisite action scenes we've come to depend on from these Filipino actioners (plenty of bloody bullet squibs, including graphic gunshots to the head and lots of things blowing up in huge fireballs) and some good slow-motion scenes of death and destruction, but there's also some very unique and unusual touches on view. For one, Daniel and Michael wear each other's badges of honor as a sign of brotherly love. Michael wears Daniel's Texas Ranger badge in Vietnam and Daniel wears Michael's Bronze Star back in Texas. It's a simple and effective way to express their commitment to each other without getting maudlin. There are also a few bits of dialogue that reveals that Daniel is against the war in Vietnam, even though his brother is fighting in it, especially the scene where he sets his VC prisoner free, even tossing him a nudie magazine as a souvenir. Unusual for a film of this type. Still, this is a good, old-fashioned war actioner at heart and PHANTOM SOLDIERS (also known as COMMANDO PHANTOM) certainly doesn't disappoint, even if the added extra "oomph" raises it a notch or two above the norm. Also starring Richard King, Mike Monty, David Anderson, John Fulch and Edward Burnett. Never legitimately available on home video in the U.S., the print I viewed was taken from a highly watchable Japanese-subtitled VHS tape. Not Rated.

PLATOON THE WARRIORS (1988) - When producer Joseph Lai wasn't churning-out countless cut-and-paste martial arts flicks (most with the word "Ninja" in the title), he was cranking-out straight-ahead cut-and-paste actioners such as this one, directed by Philip Ko (AMERICAN FORCE 3: HIGH SKY MISSION - 1989). This one opens with villain Rex (Mike Abbott; HANDS OF DEATH - 1987) double-crossing Bill (Mark Watson) in a drug deal. Bill runs for his life after Rex and his men gun down all of Bill's crew and he runs smack-dab into two ninjas dressed in yellow (Wait! Is this a ninja film after all? Nah, this is the last we see them.), who steal Bill's briefcase full of money and deliver it to Rex. Bill escapes with his life and vows revenge. We then cut to the film proper (which looks to be some unreleased Filipino crime film), where we watch a gang of crooks, headed by Ray, rob a liquor store and then kill an eyewitness named Michael as they hop in their car to make their getaway. In an awful example of intercutting old and new footage, Rex calls the leader of another Filipino gang on the phone to remind him that he has a lot of money riding on the big prize fight and to make sure nothing goes wrong (After Rex tells the gang leader to murder anyone who gets in the way, he hangs up the phone. The leader turns to his gang and says, "That was Rex. Nothing, really." What?!?). Meanwhile, Michael's older brother Jack begins looking for Ray and his gang, based on a partial license plate number Michael wrote down in his own blood while he was dying. Jack starts tearing up the town looking for Ray and his three cohorts, getting into a series of fights with various lowlifes and stopping long enough to frolic in the ocean and screw his girlfriend Amy. Jack turns down Bill's offer to join forces (more bad intercutting), so Bill dresses in Army fatigues and, every twenty minutes or so, interrupts the main film to begin killing members of Rex's gang. When Jack's father is gunned-down at the big prize fight, Jack steps-up his beat-downs, which pisses-off Ray, who shoots-up Jack's house, killing his mother and sister and kidnapping another sister named Jenny (Jack is not having a good week, is he?). To add insult to injury, Ray rapes Jenny repeatedly and then offers her to the rest of his gang, before releasing her (Well, at least he didn't kill her!). Jack puts down his fists and picks up automatic weapons (including a strange looking tommy gun) and begins killing everyone associated with Ray, including the gang Rex is involved with (well, at least in this bastardized version). The rest of the film is nothing but a series of shootouts and fisticuffs and, in the finale, Jack faces-off with Ray, while Rex and Bill (who are now dressed in green army fatigues) shoot it out and then duke it out until Rex blows himself up with a hand grenade. My brain hurts!  It should come as no surprise that the "screenplay" to this IFD Films And Arts Ltd. production was written by Godfrey Ho (as "Benny Ho"), because it contains all the priceless hilariously-bad dubbed dialogue we've come to expect from him, such as one bad guy saying to another, "Did you meet a nice girl? With big ones?" or, on discovering that Jack is still alive, Ray retorts, "So, Jack's alive. We'll have to remedy that!" The pinnacle of hilarity comes when Rex, upon hearing that Bill is supplying weapons to Jack, turns to one of his underlings and says, "Damn that bastard! Hold on, I gotta take a piss!" He pulls out his dick and begins pissing in the woods, just as Bill arrives on the scene and begins shooting-up the woods. The shot of Rex running away while trying to zip-up his fly will have you rolling on the floor. The old footage is much more entertaining than the new footage (sometimes it's the other way around on other pastiche films from Lai, but not this time) and contains a RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK-inspired moment when Jack comes face-to-face with an expert knife handler, but after he's done putting on a show of his knife-twirling abilities, Jack shoots him dead and moves on. The entire film is nothing but a Filipino rip-off of DEATH WISH (1974), as Jack loses everyone in his family except his sister and then gets revenge through the barrel of a gun. The newly shot footage adds nothing here and, besides the Rex pissing scene, is pretty disposable. Director Philip Ko is certainly no Godfrey Ho. I guess there are advantages and disadvantages in that statement. Also known as PLATOON WARRIORS. Also starring James Miller, Dick Crown, Alex Sylvian, Don Richard, David Coley, William Dasco, Jackson Leon, Dick Romano, Paul Gloria and Nicholas James. Does anyone but me find it disturbing that none of these names sound Filipino? Never released on home video in the U.S., the print I viewed was sourced from a fullscreen Greek-subtitled VHS tape. Not Rated.

POW DEATHCAMP (1988) - This Filipino war action film opens up with an on-screen crawl informing us that, in 1966, the U.S. Government planned on ending the Vietnam War by dropping an atom bomb on Hanoi. When the person in charge of that mission, Captain James Brooks, is captured by the enemy, a band of mercenaries, led by Aviles (Rey Malonzo of CLASSIFIED OPERATION - 1985), are hired to rescue Capt. Brooks. They fight the enemy in the jungle while trying to avoid spiked booby traps (one of Aviles' men steps on a tripwire and gets spiked through his leg) and being massively outnumbered. They save a village girl after she is bitten by a cobra, only they end up being captured by the enemy and sent to a P.O.W. camp. Aviles and his men are tied-up and forced to watch as the sadistic camp warden forces two prisoners to arm wrestle each other, the loser getting shot in the stomach when his opponent's hand touches a lever that pulls the gun's trigger. As the deaths pile up, thanks to the arm wrestling contest and an unsuccessful escape attempt by four American soldiers (who are all shot and killed), Aviles and his men must come up with an escape plan before they are killed. Aviles' second-in-command, Jun (Charles Black), narrowly misses being killed in the arm wrestling contest when he beats the ten-time champion, which leads to Aviles and Jun escaping. They begin to systematically kill the camp guards, eventually freeing all the prisoners. The sadistic camp warden gathers his remaining men and hunts down Aviles and the P.O.Ws. Easier said than done, as Aviles and his men are experts in jungle warfare. The rest of the film is nothing but a series of gun battles and fistfights, ending with a massacre on the banks of a river, where everyone, including the snake-bitten girl from the beginning of the film, loses their lives in a hail of bullets. Isn't war wonderful?  This film proves that not all Filipino action films can be winners. Director Jett C. Espirito (VENGENCE SQUAD - 1987), working with a minimal script supplied by Jeffrey Woods or Bonnie Paradez (since the opening credits lists Woods and the closing credits list Paradez as the screenwriter), doesn't have much to work with here, just a basic premise (that's immediately dropped) followed by lots of shooting and hand-to-hand combat. Ignore the synopsis on the back of the video box, as whoever wrote it obviously didn't watch the film. The only part of the synopsis that's even partly true is that Capt. James Brooks (called "Captain Steiner" on the box) is at the P.O.W. camp that Aviles (called "Lt. Comez" on the box) and his men are sent to. Problem is, he's not alive, as the camp warden reveals Brooks body to his new captives. It's a skeleton wearing Brooks' uniform! All the other character names listed on the back of the box are also false.  The middle section of the film, when everyone is at the P.O.W. camp, is filmed at night and most of the time it is too dark to make out what is going on. For a war film, it's not very bloody, just a few bloody bullet squibs and a couple of booby trap impalements (and they both look to have been edited to delete the gore, even though this tape doesn't carry a rating). I was kind of excited to watch this when I found a copy on eBay since I never heard of it before, but once I got about twenty minutes into it, I knew that I wasn't in for anything special. It lacked craziness that makes a lot of other Filipino actioners so memorable. Oh, well. They can't all be winners. Also starring George Estregan, Urs Hardegger, Vilma Vitug, Ronnie Valle, Merilyn Bautista, Jimmy Santos and Bill Baldridge. Originally filmed as WARCAMP. An Atlas Entertainment Corporation Release. Not Rated.

PROVOKED (1989) - Ah, Raedon Home Video. I doubt that they ever turned down a film that ever crossed their desk. PROVOKED, on the other hand, was an in-house production, so they have no one to blame but themselves. After witnessing the worst prisoner escape in recent memory, where Mad Dog and Big Mama drive up to a prison work crew and break out Big Mama's son Loverboy (a rapist) and Slick (an Oriental psychopath) and then kill the remaining prisoners and guards, the group then pick up Nick the Knife (another criminal) and then rob a real estate office, looking for the huge payroll that was supposed to be delivered today. It looks like their intel was faulty because all they find are a bunch of nervous women and no money. Newlyweds Casey (Cindy Maranne), who works at the office, and her new husband Michael (Bob Fall), stop by to pick up their airline tickets that Casey mistakenly left there. Michael gets taken hostage by the hoods, but Casey gets away and alerts a security guard (who gets himself killed) and is then arrested by the cops.  When two cops and Nick the Knife are killed in a shootout, Casey convinces Police Captain Rader (McKeiver Jones III) that she is a victim (and that her husband is an ex-NYC cop). Word gets out to the TV news (the Mayor just happens to be banging TV news reporter Carla [Ona Simms] when he gets the call from Rader) and it turns into a major media event. Mad Dog demands $100,000 and transportation out of town. To divulge any more would be to spoil any little entertainment this wretched piece of flotsam has to offer. Let's just say Casey has less brains than the crooks, as she decides to take the law into her own hands. Good luck, Michael. You've married one crazy bitch.  Impossibly cheap (when people get shot, they simply fall down, no squibs and no blood, except for a short time in the finale) and indifferently acted (Big Mama, a black woman, plays her role like she has never heard of the Civil Rights Movement), PROVOKED tries to act like DOG DAY AFTERNOON, but comes up looking like PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE. Director Rick Pamplin (who, thankfully, switched to documentaries) looks like he had a $500 budget to work with (the crowd scenes consists of about five people) and hasn't got a clue how to build suspense. As with most films of this type, the press is portrayed as unfeeling and one-sided (Reporter Carla says to Casey, "You know your husband is probably dead, right?") and the cops are clueless, taking orders from a mayor who is more worried about his political future than the hostages' lives. The film is full of illogical situations (Who in their right mind would send a reporter into the building to interview the hostage takers and broadcast it live?) and inane dialogue, such as when Big Mama says to her son, "No pussy without checking with me first!" My mama never said that to me. She could have saved me a divorce if she did. When Casey just happens to run into Machine Gun Joe, an arms dealer, in the middle of the street and gives her a prototype automatic weapon for free (provided Joe goes with her on the assault!), you'll throw your hands up in the air and scream, "Aw, c'mon!" And let's not forget the rape scene where Loverboy and Slick rape one of the hostages while all of them are fully-clothed! As with all Raedon releases (except for DESERT SNOW, which I actually enjoyed), you know going in that you're in for some stinky entertainment. This one just smells worse than most. It's a total waste of film. Also starring Sharon Blair, Harold Wayne Jones, Tara Untiedt (who also co-wrote the ridiculous script with Steve Pake), Phyllis Durant, Jody Brown and Daniel Kwong. A Raedon Home Video Release. Not Rated.

RAGE (1995) - The folks at P.M. Entertainment Group are getting much better at their craft. When they stick to straight action flicks such as this one, they can really entertain. Gary Daniels (FIST OF THE NORTH STAR) stars as Alex, a grade school teacher who is unfortunate enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. He is kidnapped by crooked government officials who try to turn him into an inhuman fighting machine. He escapes and the chase is on. Framed as a murderer, Alex has to escape the many traps laid out by the nasties. Alex gets his only help from a TV reporter (played by Kenneth Tigar in a rare starring role) who believes in his innocence. Plenty of good stunts, an excellent car chase (a P.M. trademark) and well-staged fight scenes (the finale is a ballet of shattering glass, filmed in a style usually reserved for Hong Kong actioners) make RAGE a good choice for non-stop action fans. Also starring Jillian McWhirter and Peter Jason. Directed by Joseph Merhi, who keeps getting better with every film (something I thought I would never say, considering he has directed such crap as EPITAPH [1987], THE NEWLYDEADS [1987], L.A. HEAT [1988] and REPO JAKE [1990]). This film made it’s world premiere on HBO and is now available on cassette from P.M. Entertainment Home Video. Rated R.

RAIDERS OF THE MAGIC IVORY (1988) - One look at the title and you know what territory this film is heading. Mercenary Sugar (James Mitchum of CODE NAME: ZEBRA - 1986) is rescued from an Indonesian prison by fellow mercenary Mark (Cris Ahrens of SHOCKING DARK - 1989) to help him steal a priceless artifact. A Chinese businessman offers them $250,000 to heist a mystical ivory tablet from a religious sect located deep in the Vietnam jungle. To make sure they hold up their end of the deal, the Chinaman sends his right-hand man, Tao (Franklin Dominguez), to go along with them. As they trek through the jungle, the three are relentlessly pursued by VC soldiers and get into a few firefights until they reach an area called "The Hell Which No One Returns", which is strangely silent and lacks any wildlife. They find a boat (full of skeletons) and use it to travel down river until they reach the "Territory Of The Monks", a ghastly-looking religious sect that practices black magic and possibly cannibalism. After a couple of close calls with spiked boobytraps and bulletproof monks, our intrepid trio find the monks' hidden underground temple and the magic ivory tablet (which lets whoever holds it to become invisible). After stealing the tablet and saving a girl named My Lei (Clarissa Mendez) from sacrifice, they fight their way back to the extraction point, low on ammo and food. A betrayal two-thirds of the way through the movie leaves our heroes looking for revenge.  This Italian action/adventure film is nothing special, but I have watched a lot worse than this. Director Tonino Ricci (PANIC - 1976), once again using his "Anthony Richmond" pseudonym, crosses many genres here, mixing one part war, one part action, one part horror and one part adventure into one uneven, but generally entertaining flick. The script by Italian writer Dardano Sacchetti (using his "David Parker Jr." pseudonym) is full of the dialogue we expect in films like this, such as, "Were you born an asshole or did you just work at it?" and "Up your ass, motherfucker!" Typical Oscar-worthy stuff. Be warned that the bloodletting is rather tame and, save for some bullet hits and explosions, is practically non-existant. James Mitchum is his normal wooden self and adopts the same non-acting style that his brother Chris Mitchum (FINAL SCORE - 1986) uses. I must confess, though, that I always wanted to see these two star as brothers in an Indonesian action film, because those Indonesian directors are hyper-crazy. The Italians don't seem to want to take the chances that the Indonesians do. And that's the problem with this film: Crazy situations with normal execution. Also starring Charles Rack and Thomas Irving. The version I viewed was a DVD-R copy of a letterboxed English language, Japanese-subtitled VHS tape. Not Rated.

RAIDERS OF THE SUN (1991) - Another Philippines-lensed post-nuke action flick from the prolific Cirio H. Santiago (whose other post-nuke films include STRYKER - 1983, WHEELS OF FIRE - 1984, THE SISTERHOOD - 1987 and DUNE WARRIORS - 1990), which recycles footage from Santiago's EQUALIZER 2000 (1986). After the "Insurrection" is won by the good guys, Brodie (Richard Norton) is sent by his Captain (Nigel Hogge) to search for gunpowder, which is in short supply in this futuristic society (in most post-nuke films, it's usually water or oil). In his search, Brodie runs into town leader Vera (Brigitta Steinberg) being kidnapped by Hoghead (the late Rick Dean) and his gang. Brodie teams up with friend Talbot (Blake Boyd), who is also Vera's husband, to rescue Vera from Hoghead and his gang of miscreants. Complicating matters is Brodie's old nemesis, Colonel Clay (William Steis), who joins forces with his brother Hoghead and set out to steal what little gunpowder is left at the Captain's headquarters. Brodie and Talbot save Sierra (Lani Lobangco) from the clutches of two mutants, when Brodie discovers that she is a native of a legendary place called the "Gate To The Sun", where "black powder" is plentiful thanks to a large potassium mine there. Brodie and Talbot think it would be best if they split up at the next town. Talbot will go undercover in Hoghead's gang looking for his wife and Brodie and Sierra will go to her village where Brodie can collect some gunpowder and bring it back to headquarters. With the help of a group of dwarves (a recurring theme in nearly all of Santiago's post-nuke films) from Sierra's village, Brodie (who is injured protecting the little people) and Sierra make it to the village. Hoghead and his gang go to the Captain's headquarters, where they kill the Captain and steal most of their gunpowder. Talbot is initiated into Hoghead's gang in a cheapjack THUNDERDOME imitation, where he has to fight Gonzo Gonzales (Ned Hourani) while they are swinging on ropes. Colonel Clay makes it to Sierra's village and Brodie and the villagers must protect the village's huge potassium mine from the invading forces. The finale finds Brodie (who has fallen in love with Sierra) fighting arch-nemesis Coloney Clay in hand-to-hand combat and Talbot and a freed Vera battling Hoghead (who actually wears a hat made from a hog's head!). When Sierra ends up dead by Colonel Clay's hands, Brodie brings the gunpowder back to headquarters, where the final battle between good against evil takes place.  Cirio H. Santiago (T.N.T. JACKSON - 1975; VAMPIRE HOOKERS - 1978) shot this low-budget flick for frequent backer Roger Corman's Concorde-New Horizons production outfit and, while it does follow all the standard post-nuke conventions (plenty of explosions, tricked-out cars and lots of gunfire), it's not without it's charms. Rick Dean is a hoot as Hoghead and the script, by frequent Santiago collaborator Frederick Bailey (DEMON OF PARADISE - 1987), gives him all the best lines or, maybe he ad-libbed them and Santiago kept them in because they were better than the script offered (He says to one of his men, "Don't you wear my hog hat because, if you do, I'll fuckin' know!"). Richard Norton (CROSS FIRE - 1987) has very little to do here except fight or fire a gun. The secondary characters are more interesting. Talbot has to pull a $100 bill out of a glass cage with a cobra in it to buy a drink and Vera's jailer Meatball (Ernie Santana), a huge bald black man, eventually becomes Vera's friend and helps her escape. Also on hand are Nick Nicholson as Colonel Clay's always-laughing right-hand man Ackerman and the tribe of dwarves. C'mon, admit it. Dwarves make you laugh, don't they? Especially when they talk in a funny language and dress in funny clothes. RAIDERS OF THE SUN is nothing special, but if lines like, "Hey, relax man. Take a laxative!" tickle your funnybone and scenes of senseless death (including a couple by flamethrower) gets your blood boiling, you may like this short (80 minute) action film. Also starring Henry Strzalkowski, Paul Holmes, Joseph Zucchero and Robert Ginnivan. A New Horizons Home Video Release. Rated R.

RAMBO (2008) - While I generally don't review recent theatrical releases, I'm going to make an exception here because I feel this is an important, nay, essential, viewing experience for fans of action cinema. Quite simply, this is the best 80's action film to be made in the past twenty years and director/co-scripter/star Sylvester Stallone has single-handedly restored my faith in American action cinema. It's not perfect, mind you, but it is the most rousing, bloody, audience-pleasing action flick that I have seen in theaters in many years. Stallone returns for the fourth time as a much older and even more world-weary John Rambo, who now lives in Thailand as a fisherman and snake catcher. A bunch of Christian missionaries want to hire Rambo and his boat to take them down river into Burma, where they plan to give medical attention and teach the word of God to a village of innocent souls. The missionaries, led by self-righteous doctor Michael Burnett (Paul Schulze) and his do-gooder girlfriend Sarah (Julie Benz), know that the Burmese people have been going through a bloody genocide for over sixty years, where a cruel National Army commits various atrocities against the people (including a painful-to-watch game of forcing villagers to cross a live minefield), but since they believe God is on their side, they think they are safe from harm (yeah, right). At first Rambo refuses (he turns his back on them and says, "Fuck the world!"), but Miss Goody Two Shoes convinces him and he finally relents. He takes them down river, drops them off (after a harrowing episode with some river pirates) and returns to his simple (and still nightmare-filled) life. A short time later, the entire village is wiped-out by sadistic homosexual military leader Tint (Maung Maung Khin) and his army (in one of the most bloody massacres ever committed to celluloid) and the missionaries are all taken prisoner and held captive in bamboo cages (one of them is fed live to a bunch of hungry pigs!). Rambo is then hired by the head of the Christian missionary (Ken Howard in a cameo role) to take a squad of mercenaries down river to save the missionaries. After some conflict with head merc Lewis (Graham McTavish), Rambo joins forces with the mercenaries (he's still mighty handy with a bow!) to save the missionaries. The rest of the film is non-stop carnage of the goriest kind and contains one of the best bomb explosions I have ever seen as well as a final battle that will have you on the edge of your seat repeating the phrase "Holy Shit!" over and over.  It's hard to believe Sylvester Stallone had to fight for several years to get this film made on his terms, but once you've seen it, you'll be glad that he fought a winning battle. Stallone has turned in one of the hardest R-rated action films in the history of American cinema. Nothing is left to the imagination as bodies are blown apart, heads explode, limbs are hacked off, people torn in half by gunfire and, in a scene that must be seen to be believed, Rambo grabs a 50mm machine gun and pulverises an enemy soldier's body until it is nothing but a bloody mist. Stallone as Rambo is still a man of few words, but he's in excellent shape for a man of 60+ years (thanks to his injections of human growth hormones [HGH], which he swears by) and is still believable as an action hero. The politics are pure 80's Reagan era, as the holier-than-thou Christian doctor, Michael, chastises Rambo for his violent ways (even threatening to turn Rambo in to authorities after he kills four river pirates, who would have surely murdered him and raped his girlfriend), only to take a life himself when he's pushed to the point of no return in the nail-biting finale. Stallone also pays tribute to the late Richard Crenna as Col. Trautman, using scenes of him from the previous three Rambo films in a black-and-white nightmare sequence, even using footage from the alternate ending of FIRST BLOOD (1982) where Trautman shoots and kills Rambo. There are also some obvious uses of CGI (especially Tint's death), but most of it is very quick and the explosion of the old WWII "Tallboy" bomb in the forest is a thing of beauty and managed to jerk back the heads of many audience members in a spectacular "Holy Shit!" moment. Stallone is to be commended for making such a politically incorrect action flick in a time where political correctness is akin to being a "patriot". This is Stallone's big "Fuck You!!!" to all those who said he lost his chops (not to mention his mind) and that ultra-violent action films were a thing of the past. After viewing this film with a highly-appreciative audience, I implore my readers to vote with your tickets as a way of telling studio executives that we are tired of watered-down PG-13 rated crapfests and want more of what RAMBO has to offer: Balls-to-the-wall mindless carnage for no other reason then to entertain us. We don't need "message" movies like Mel Gibson's THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST (2004) and APOCALYPTO (2006) as an excuse to show us the gore. Stallone knew what the audience wanted and he delivered it in spades. Thank you! Also starring Matthew Marsden, Rey Gallagos, Jake La Botz and Tim Kang. A Lionsgate Entertainment Release. Rated R, but I'm still shaking my head in amazement that the MPAA let this slide with that rating, considering the amount of carnage on view.

RED SCORPION 2 (1994)  -  In-name only sequel to the Dolph Lungren starrer. This one is Lundgren-less and continues the downward spiral of the career of John Savage (THE DEER HUNTER). Savage portrays the leader of a neo-nazi cult group who is responsible for several ethnic mass murders and the theft of the Spear Of Destiny, a magical lance used on Christ during his crucifixion. Savage hopes to use the spear to help him in his cause to make the world safe for caucasions. A group of trained specialists, led by Matt McColm, infiltrate Savage’s empire to put a stop to his menace. Limp action sequences, listless direction and Savage’s hammy overacting bring this film down to the mediocrity level. The Spear Of Destiny subplot is quickly dropped and forgotten. That’s a shame because I was hoping for some supernational shenanigans to go along with all the explosions. No such luck. Play Wolfenstein instead. You’ll have more fun. Also starring Michael Ironside, Jennifer Rubin and Paul Ben-Victor (Sci Fi's THE INVISIBLE MAN). Directed by Michael Kennedy (THE SWORDSMAN - 1992). A Western International Communications Video Release. Not Rated, but it would probably get an R.

RESCUE TEAM (1983) - Another crazy Filipino action film. Years after the end of the Vietnam War, an American P.O.W. escapes from a secret prison camp in the Cambodian jungle by hanging on to the undercarriage of a truck. After a few miles, he falls off, but before he dies, he tells a hospital doctor the location of the prison and other valuable information. The C.I.A. then hires alcoholic mercenary Robert Burton (Richard Harrison) to lead a rescue team and bring back an important American P.O.W. that is being held at the prison. With the promise of $100,000 for him and $50,000 for each team member, Burton gets his old group together and plans for the mission, if going bowling, visiting a strip club, screwing women and drinking excessively is considered planning (one of the team members talks about screwing his girlfriend, even though she's passed out, by saying, "She's good even when she's asleep!"). They manage to make it to Cambodia (disguised as archaeologists!) and set up camp in the jungle. Burton manages to keep their official V.C. escort occupied by teaching him how to swear in American ("You can call a woman a cunt, pussy or slit." is one exchange) until the escort is killed in a surprise attack by jungle guerillas. The rescue team then tranverse the jungle on their way to the P.O.W. camp, avoiding booby traps, surprise attacks from the V.C. and other jungle horrors. They meet their underground contact, Carla (Carol Roberts), in the middle of the jungle and she guides them down the river until they are ambushed and their boats and equipment are blown up. With no weapons, the rescue team must find a way to make it through the jungle in one piece and still meet their objective.  While not as delirious as some of the Indonesian action flicks (i.e. FINAL SCORE - 1986), RESCUE TEAM (also known as OPERATION COLEMAN [the last name of their P.O.W. target]) still has it's fair share of outlandish set pieces and risable dialogue. When the team use an enemy soldier as a test for jungle traps and is then killed by a spiked booby trap, one team member says, "Well, there goes our mine sweeper!" When they finally raid the camp, it's rather sloppy as only one P.O.W. survives, all the others are machine-gunned in their cell (to be fair, it's the only one they were paid to rescue anyway.). Director Jun Gallardo (COMMANDER FIREFOX - 1983; COMMANDO INVASION - 1986; SFX RETALIATOR - 1987; THE FIRING LINE - 1991), here using the pseudonym "John Gale", tosses all logic out the window and instead focuses on mindless action as Burton begins losing members of his team after the camp raid to a series of mishaps right up to the unforgettable conclusion and final denouement (which involves a spiked champagne toast). Richard Harrison has done countless Filipino, Indonesian and Hong Kong actioners, including BLOOD DEBTS (1983), MAJESTIC THUNDERBOLT (1984), NINJA TERMINATOR (1986) and homegrown product like THE CHANNELER (1989). Let's just say that he's a decent utility actor and leave it at that. Also starring Romano Kristoff, Don Gordon Bell, James Gaines, Michael James, Mike Cohen and Tony McQueen. Be aware that most of Jun Gallardo's films are not available in legal editions on VHS or DVD in the U.S.. You'll have to go to grey market sites to pick them up. The print I viewed came from a subtitled Venezuelian VHS tape titled "Comando De Rescate". Not Rated.

RETURN FIRE: JUNGLE WOLF II (1988) - I must confess that I've never seen the original JUNGLE WOLF (1986 - which looks to have been a Philippines-lensed war action film, based on the flashback footage shown here), but it's not necessary to understand this second sequel (FORGOTTEN WARRIOR [1986] is the first sequel). Ex-C.I.A. agent Steve Parrish (Ron Marchini) returns home to San Francisco to spend time with young son Zak (Dax Nicholas). Before he even reaches home, Steve is attacked in the bathroom at a (strangely empty) mall by several men with guns, leading Steve to steal a police car with thugs chasing him close behind, shooting at him and lobbing hand grenades. It all ends at a shipping yard where Steve either shoots or blows up the goons. Steve returns home to find his neighbor Jim (Rufus Norris) dead and Zak kidnapped. Steve contacts his ex-boss Carruthers (Adam West) and more bad men turn up at his house, forcing Steve to kill them all when none can give him the location of his son. Steve meets Carruthers in a graveyard, where Carruthers informs him that Zak was kidnapped by a man named Petroli (D.W. Landingham), a Central American gun runner that Steve pissed off (apparently in Part 1) and he kidnapped Zak in retaliation. Carruthers wants Steve to go on one last mission to bring Petroli down, but Steve passes and plans on getting Petroli his own way. Steve contacts female operative Teri Anderson (Lynn O'Brien), who finds out that Zak is actually being held by Carruthers, who is working with Petroli, smuggling drugs into the country. Teri rescues Zak and brings him to Steve. Steve then goes to Petroli's headquarters and steals a van containing the latest shipment of drugs and Carruthers' dirty money. Now, Carruthers wants Petroli and Steve dead, Petroli wants Steve and Carruthers dead and Steve wants Carruthers and Petroli dead. Steve turns the tables on everyone when he takes over Petroli's warehouse, boobytraps it with explosives and then blows up all the drugs while wiping out all of Petroli's men, saving Petroli for last. Steve then catches Carruthers trying to leave the country and gives him a few direct hits with a shotgun, his way of saying "Bon voyage!"  The first thing you'll notice about this film is the awful music soundtrack. It's so out of place during some of the action sequences, you'll swear it was written for another movie. One-time director/co-scripter Neil Callaghan delivers a lot of action for the film's low budget, including plenty of bullet squibs, explosions and car chases. Ron Marchini is not much of an actor, but he makes an O.K. action hero and martial artist, appearing in such films as DEATH MACHINES (1976), OMEGA COP (1990 - also with Adam West) and KARATE COP (1991). This is actually Marchini's third time playing the role of Steve Parrish, first essaying it in JUNGLE WOLF (1986), then FORGOTTEN WARRIOR (also 1986) and, finally, in this film. There was a third JUNGLE WOLF film, KARATE COMMANDOS: JUNGLE WOLF 3 (1993), but it's an in-name-only sequel, as Marchini plays someone called "Jake Turner" in it. RETURN FIRE is mindless action fun if you can get past the low budget, wooden acting and glaring plot holes. I ended up liking it a lot more than I thought I would, thanks to the frequent shoot-outs, stunts and explosions. Lynn O'Brien also has a topless scene. For some reason, Ron Marchini, who produces most of the films he stars in (he Executive Produced this one), has used Dax Nicholas in four of his films. He's not much of an actor and is the weakest link here. Also known as MISSION TO WIN. Also starring Ty Randolph, Jim Alva, Joe Meyer and Alfred Burt. An Action International Pictures Home Video Release. Rated R.

REVENGE OF NINJA (1984) - I'm not sure what to make of this confusing Indonesian action flick. I'm not even sure if it takes place in the present or the future, since it mixes modern automobiles, futuristic weapons, sorcery and miniature dune buggies (maybe it takes place in some alternate universe). The film opens with Kohar (W.D. Mochtar) and his gang trying to forcibly take a magical red stone necklace from the neck of a white-robed sorcerer. After either shooting, stabbing or blowing-up all the sorcerer's men, Kohar shoots the sorcerer with his special rifle and the sorcerer disappears in a puff of smoke, leaving the necklace on the ground. The necklace turns out to be a fake (the real necklace will turn water red when submerged, but it's power is never really explained), as Kohar regrettably finds out when he hands it to his boss (who is also a sorcerer). The white-robed sorcerer appears bathed in a glow of red light in front of Maya (Dana Christina), after saving her from an attack by some of Kohar's men (and one high-kicking woman). He gives her the real necklace and tells her to protect it with her life. Maya doesn't want to wear the necklace, so the sorcerer trashes her apartment (!) until she agrees to wear it. Maya begins acting strange (she gains fighting ability and magical powers), which worries her boyfriend Ricky (Barry Prima). Ricky takes her to a medicine man (She says, "I don't believe in mumbo-jumbo!") to help her with her problems. The medicine man (who has a hunchback assistant) turns out to be Kohar's boss. He hypnotizes Maya, while Kohar and his men search her apartment for the necklace (for some reason, she still doesn't like to put it around her neck!). They are interrupted in their search by a mysterious man in black (Advent Bangun, the closest thing to a ninja in this film), who beats the shit out of all of them. Meanwhile, Maya becomes possessed by the sorcerer and destroys the evil medicine man's home (rather than leave through the door, she kicks a hole in the wall!). The sorcerer reveals himself to Ricky and explains what is going on (I wish he would explain it to me!) and even imbues Ricky with some magical powers. The evil medicine man frees a witch in exchange to locate the body a even more evil sorcerer, who he plans on using to kill the good sorcerer and then gain control of the necklace. After performing a ceremony involving a freshly removed beating human heart, they locate the body. Now it becomes really confusing. Ricky fights the man in black and he beats the possessed spirit out of Ricky. The reanimated evil sorcerer and his undead zombie army fight the good sorcerer, Maya, Ricky and the man in black for possession of the necklace. It seems the right people win in the end, at least I hope so!  I'm still trying to figure out just what the hell I watched here. Filled with nonsensical scenes, like the one at a disco where the dancers on stage swing their hips while the one in the middle turns a huge ship's steering helm (!) or the scene where the man in black outraces a speeding car on foot, jumps on the roof and rides it like a surfboard. He then puches a hole in the roof with his bare hands, killing the driver and forcing the car to crash and explode. He also kicks the hunchback so hard, he stands up straight (the look on the hunchback's face is priceless)!. He then stomps on the poor man's hump, crushing it. Director Ratno Timoer (THE DEVIL'S SWORD - 1984) lays on the supernatural elements pretty thick, as objects float in the air, the flames on candles erupt like flamethrowers and, at one point, when Maya becomes possessed, she looks like Linda Blair in THE EXORCIST. The final battle (the evil sorcerer has a spike in his head, which keeps him alive) is a hoot and contains gory manual disembowelment, an army of fast-moving zombies and Barry Prima (doing his best Chuck Norris impression) jumping through the windshield of Kohar's moving car, killing both Kohar and his boss. It also has the man in black swallowing the necklace, in one of the most "What The Fuck?!?" moments in Indonesian film history. There's also some choice dialogue, such as when one of Kohar's assassins says, "I'll blow his brains out if I can find them!". All-in-all, this is a likable action-packed film as long as you don't mind not understanding what the fuck is going on. Advent Bangun, who portrays the man in black, starred as the Si Buta, the blind swordsman, in Prima's THE WARRIOR 2 (1983) and would play the same character in his own successful series of films, starting with THE BLIND WARRIOR in 1985 (also directed by Timoer). As a matter of fact, it's hard to watch any Indonesian action flick in the late 70's and 80's and not see at least one of the actors that you see in this one. This Rapi Films production (Indonesia's premiere production company for action and sleaze) was written by Darto Joned (THE WARRIOR 1 & 2) and produced by Gope T. Samtani (HELL RAIDERS - 1985). Also starring Harry Capri, Mundi Cader, I.M. Damsyik, Kandar Sinyo and Farida Pasha. Not available from any legitimate label in the U.S., it is, though, available from many grey markey sellers. Not Rated.

ROLF (1983) - This charming bit of Italian action sleaze tells the story of mercenary-turned-commercial pilot Rolf (Tony Marsina), who is trying to put his past behind him, but circumstances won't let him. A flashback reveals that the local police refuse to believe he has changed his ways, so he is arrested and one of the cops shoves his hand into a shit-filled toilet, wipes his hand on a wall and then makes a remark to Rolf that he now won't have to be fingerprinted! When a member of his former mercenary squad offers him $50,000 to fly drugs out of the country, he refuses, which upsets his girlfriend Joanna (Ketty Nicols). Rolf explains to her the reason he turned it down was because when he was a kid he saw his prostitute mother die of a hot shot administered by her pimp when she refused to trick for him anymore (in another one of the film's many flashbacks). When Rolf's entire former squad show up and beat the shit out of him and then tell him if he won't fly for them, he'll fly for no one, a battered Rolf passes out in the woods (they dislocate his knee, which he painfully resets himself), where insects and leeches attack his body (!) A worried Joanna reports him missing to the police, but they refuse to look for him, so she goes looking for Rolf herself (after nearly being raped by two thugs!) and finds him in the woods! After finding out the next day that he's been fired from his job (Rolf: "Why can't I fly for you anymore?" Boss: "Let's just say I don't like your face!"), Rolf puts two-and-two together, hijacks the plane with the shipment of drugs, pisses on them (!) and tosses the drugs out of the plane. His former buddies don't take too kindly to it, so they kidnap Joanna, make her strip in front of them and take turns raping her. After they are done with her, they shoot Joanna "dead center in the heart" (according to a cop at the crime scene). When Rolf finds out about his girlfriend's brutal gang rape and murder, he sends a message to his former buddies to meet them in the forest, where the film turns into a FIRST BLOOD clone (with Italian sensibilities). Rolf goes Rambo on his former crew, hunting them down one-by-one, using spiked boobytraps (are there any other kind?), explosions, gunfire and hand-to-hand combat to achieve his retribution. When one of the mercenaries escapes, Rolf must stay one step ahead of the police in order to hunt down and kill his last nemesis.  As you can tell by my description, this action flick lacks logic of any kind, but that's where this film's strength lies. Just when you think you've seen it all, this film throws another head-scratching scene in your direction. I was in hysterics when one of Rolf's former buddies tortures another pilot (who was with Rolf when he hijacked the drug plane), throwing boiling soup in his face, sticking his head into the open flame on the stove and then shooting him in the head when he refuses to give up Rolf's location. A couple of minutes later, as he is walking out of the dead guy's apartment, the former buddy is delivered a message telling him where to meet Rolf! Talk about bad timing. Director/scripter Mario Siciliano (EVIL EYE - 1974; THE PERFECT KILLER - 1977; SKIN 'EM ALIVE - 1978), using his frequent pseudonym "Marlon Sirko" (all other credits on the film are also Anglicized), doesn't offer much in the way of heady dialogue (It doesn't get more thought-provoking than, "Shut up, you bag of shit!"), but the film is bloody as hell and a wild ride until the final third, when it turns into a FIRST BLOOD rip-off. Still, it's an amazing Rambo clone, with impalements, exploding bodies and Rolf screaming, "God, help me!" after being shot in the hands. Whoever was in charge of the dubbing has a hard time deciding whether the title character's name is "Rolf" or "Ralph". There's also an amazing flashback scene towards the finale showing Rolf's mercenary squad (in their final mission together) shooting up an African village full of innocent women and children. What's truly remarkable about it is when they throw one African boy up in the air and shoot him like skeet over and over! Rolf, of course, is appalled and manages to save some of the other children. I also love how, for an action hero, Rolf spends a good portion of his screen time crying, either over the loss of a loved one or in pain. He even carries a photo of his dead hooker mother in his wallet and cries when he looks at it! This is classic Italian nonsense and worth searching out. The lyrics of the cheesy title tune (sung by Chris J. King), goes, "Rolf, you've run out of luck. Rolf, you've taken the road that leads to pain..." Days later, I was still humming it! Also starring Tony Roccosta, Malcolm Duff, Louis Walser, Cynthia Cindy and Nike Anderson. Also known as THE LAST MERCENARY. The print I viewed was sourced from a Greek-subtitled VHS tape. Not Rated.

ROME: ARMED TO THE TEETH (1976) - This is an excellent example of "Poliziottesco" or Italian "Tough Cop" film. Maurizio Merli stars as no-nonsense Inspector Tanzi, who is tired of arresting people and them having them go free due to Article 20 (a big problem in Italy at the time). After he arrests crook Savelli (Biagi Pelligra) at an illegal gambling operation, Tanzi is forced to set him free for lack of evidence, only to have Savelli kill a bank guard during a robbery the next day. Complicating matters is Tanzi's court psychiatrist girlfriend, Anna (Maria Rosaria Omaggio). After he arrests two teens for stealing a purse, she sets them free rather than sending them to a reformatory. They end up getting killed the next day when their scooter jumps a curb after they steal another purse. Tanzi wants to create a special squad that deals with criminals on their own terms, but his boss, Ruini (Arthur Kennedy), refuses, so Tanzi and his partner, Inspector Caputo (Gian piero Albertini), go out and look for Savelli on their own and break every rule in the book. They start with one of Savelli's friends, a hunchback butcher named Vincenzo Moretto (the crazy Tomas Milian). When Moretto refuses to talk, even after Tanzi kicks him square in the nuts (Moretto says, "If you was kicked in the balls, you'd hurt too!" when Caputo asks why he is crying.), Tanzi plants drugs on him and brings the hunchback to the station, where Tanzi and Caputo work him over pretty good. Moretto tries to slit his wrists in the station's bathroom, so Ruini demotes Tanzi (He screams to Tanzi, "Can you see tomorrow's headline: Hunchback Battered By Vicious Cop!"). Savelli kidnaps Anna and brings her to an auto junkyard, where they rough her up and threaten to crush her in a junked car. They set her free after giving her a single bullet to give to Tanzi as a warning. Tanzi is forced to work in the Licencing Bureau issuing permits, but during his lunch breaks and evenings he searches for Savelli (He visits Moretto at his house during dinner and forces him to swallow the bullet that Savelli gave Anna.). After killing a kid who was involved in a brutal gang rape (The kid says to the victim, "We're gonna ball you till you die!" and then sodomizes her with a piece of wood), Tanzi finally gets the chance to confront heroin dealer Tony Parenzo (Ivan Rassimov), Tanzi's oldest nemesis and best friend of Savelli. When Moretto shoots Parenzo and frames Tanzi for it, Tanzi offers his resignation to Ruini, but a hostage situation at a bank involving Savelli offers Tanzi a chance at redemption.  While the narrative structure of this film is all over the place, director Umberto Lenzi, who directed a whole crop of these Poliziottescos (BURNING CITY - 1973; ALMOST HUMAN - 1974; SYNDICATE SADISTS - 1975 [aka: RAMBO'S REVENGE]; VIOLENT NAPLES - 1976; THE CYNIC, THE RAT & THE FIST - 1977; FROM CORLEONE TO BROOKLYN - 1979; COP TARGET - 1990) as well as giallos like SPASMO (1974) and EYEBALL (1975), does a good job of displaying Tanzi's justified rage at a legal system that favors the criminals over the victims. Time after time, we witness the criminals getting off easy (or suffering no consequences at all) for their crimes, including murder. If it weren't for Tanzi, most of these crooks would get off scott-free. One still has to wonder if Tanzi's brutal tactics are responsible for hunchback Moretto's later crimes in the film (You've got to hear his story about crapping out the bullet that Tanzi made him swallow!), as he was pretty rough on Moretto, trying to beat information out of him that he never really had in the first place. Tomas Milian (ALMOST HUMAN) is an absolute riot as Moretto. He is given the best lines and his sudden change from helpless victim to bloodthirsty murderer is simply amazing. I especially liked the scene where he shoots a guy for not touching his hump for luck ("I bet you wish you touched it now!") and when he hijacks an ambulance (He asks a guy in the back where he is going. Before he has a chance to answer, Moretto shoots him with a machine gun and says, "You're going to the graveyard, that's where!). Maurizio Merli is the king of the Italian tough cop genre, appearing in nearly a dozen of these films, including VIOLENT ROME (1975), VIOLENT NAPLES (1976), A SPECIAL COP IN ACTION (1976), MAGNUM COP (1977) and COVERT ACTION (1978) before dying of a heart attack while playing tennis at the age of 49 in 1989. His good looks (some say his resemblance to actor Franco Nero is what made him so polular) and tough demeanor serves the role very well. ROME: ARMED TO THE TEETH was released under two titles in the U.S., both by Terry Levine for his Aquarius Releasing company. The first title was the straightforward BRUTAL JUSTICE. The second title was ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY WEAPON, which was extensively recut, scenes shuffled around, new scenes added and the cast and credits totally made up (the direction is credited to "Walter Gaines"). It's this version that made it's way to a U.S. video release in the 80's, as part of "Sybil Danning's Adventure Video" from U.S.A. Home Video. Alfa Digital offers the uncut Italian release (dubbed in English) on DVD in a beautiful widescreen print. Also starring Aldo Barberito, Stefana Patrizi, Luciano Contenacci, Valentino Macchi and Luciano Pigozzi. An Alfa Digital Release. Not Rated.

RUN & KILL (1993)  -  When Fatty (Kent Cheng) comes home and finds his wife screwing a store owner, he leaves and gets stinking drunk at a bar. Too drunk to understand what he is doing, he hires an assassin to kill his wife (he tells the assassin that he wants to see his wife dead......drunk, but the assassin doesn’t hear the drunk part). He wakes up in the gutter the next morning and goes home to witness the brutal murder of his wife and her lover. Fatty’s life begins to unravel, as he is questioned by the cops, blackmailed by the assassin, sees his thriving business burn down and must flee Hong Kong for mainland China. Fatty’s problems don’t end there as he is dragged down into the underbelly of society and is forced to watch people being stabbed, dismembered and riddled with bullets before he can get back his reputation. Fatty must transform himself from a meek, frightened dweeb to a one man killing machine in order to survive his ordeal. And what an ordeal it is. Many consider this film minor Hong Kong Cat. III exploitation, but it is far better than most of the U.S. crap that is being released direct-to-video these days. Kent Cheng gives a quiet, understated portrayal of an everyday man who goes through hell and learns to survive. I dare you to watch the scene involving Fatty’s daughter (who is tied up and set on fire while Fatty watches helplessly) and not feel affected. You’ll root for him when he says enough is enough and takes matters into his own hands. Revenge is sweet when it is a dish not served cold. Good bloody effects and a complicated, yet satisfying, storyline help round out this film. They sure couldn’t get away with making something like this in the good ol’ United States. Directed by Billy Tang and co-starring Simon Yam and Danny Lee. Subtitled in English. From Come On Film Co. Video. Not Rated due to some bloody violence and the aforementioned scene involving Fatty’s daughter. It’s now one of my favorites.

RUN LIKE HELL (1995) - A real rare one: A cheap SOV American-made post-nuke actioner making it's home video debut on DVD. It's the year 2008 and the "planet has been devastated by war and disease" (The filmmakers could have at least tried to set this film in a more distant future, but I guess in 1995, it must have looked pretty hopeless for Earth and they figured thirteen years was just enough time to destroy it. Christ, George Bush II wasn't even President yet!). In order to control the population, the corrupt new world government has declared single women a threat to society (I would have considered them a treat to society!) and a bounty has been placed on all unattached women. When captured, these chicks without a steady man are sent to special prisons. At one such prison, the Warden (Robert "The Chin" Z'Dar, who has never sunk lower, and I'm taking EVIL ALTAR [1988] into consideration) watches contently on his close circuit TV system as two topless prisoners take a shower. He orders his guards to bring them to his office, where he degrades one of them by bending her over his desk and threatening to rape her. Too bad for the Warden that this was all a planned escape on the women's part, as they knock him out and flee the prison with two other topless prisoners (all of them wearing matching black g-strings) after a short shotgun fight with some unlucky guards. The four women find clothes (damn it!) and weapons at a guard outpost in the desert and, after killing the two horny guards on duty, head for the safety of Paradise City. After nearly getting raped by two goons while they are sleeping in the desert, the women are saved by a black clad ninja named Jag (Henry Olvera), who accompanies them on their journey. The Warden hires bounty hunter Blade (Gil Cologne) and his droid partner (co-scripter Robert Rundle [who directed the insane DIVINE ENFORCER - 1991] in one of the cheapest robot costumes ever) to bring the four escaped women back dead or alive, with a side order of severe suffering if they are to die. Jag doesn't do a good job of protecting the women, because in the very next scene, one of the women is shot and killed by a bunch of mutants (one of them wearing a pimp's fur coat!), so he teaches the remaining three women martial arts and how to handle a sword (which, in this cheap film, means showing a montage of the women doing push-ups, chin-ups and running through the desert). After another one of the women is shot in the back and killed, Jag and the last two women end up at a martial arts tournament, where Jag fights a hulking masked mutant with a chainsaw (the blade of the chainsaw never spins, yet the over-amped sound effects wants you to believe otherwise). After defeating the mutant, Jag and the girls make it to Paradise City (but we don't get to see it) and the Warden is left to stew in his own juices.  There's a good reason why this "film" wasn't released until now. By the looks of what my eyes have just witnessed, RUN LIKE HELL looks to be an unfinished film or, at least, a film made by someone without even basic filmmaking knowledge. Director Eric Brummer (better known as porno director "Slain Wayne"; TERRORS FROM THE CLIT - 2000; KUNG FU GIRLS - 2001) can't be bothered with simple things like continuity, as scenes begin and end with little or no rhyme or reason (the shooting death of the first escaped prisoner is particularly confusing) and the screenplay, by Rundle, Steven Stein and Alan Hall, introduces too many characters and sub-plots to sustain interest (A sub-plot involving a bounty tracker named John Steele rescuing a woman from prison ends unceremoniously when they are both shot dead in the desert). While this film has plenty of topless female nudity, the overall cheapness of the production, with it's flat, shot-on-video camerawork, hopeless acting ability of the cast (all Z'Dar does is slap a baton repeatedly in his palm and leer at the topless women on his TV monitors like some masturbatory loon) and lame-ass action sequences (badly-staged and choreographed martial arts and gun fights), makes me wonder if this "film" should have ever seen the light of day. Some movies go unreleased for a reason. Run like hell from RUN LIKE HELL unless you want to experience the filmic equivalent of having bamboo chutes shoved under your fingernails. Also starring Dree Lang, Colleen Corrigan, Liz Davies and Elizabeth Prince as the four escapees and featuring Frankie Maldonati, Janet Linnane, Anita DeFrancesco, Lisa Pret and Jeff Rector. Available on DVD as part of RAREFLIX.COM TRIPLE FEATURE VOL. 2 from Code Red/Media Blasters. There's a hidden Easter Egg commentary track featuring AVManiacs.com reviewer Ian Jane, Media Blasters executive Richard York and DVD author Dave Beinlich, where they drink King Cobra beer and crack wise while the film is playing. It's funny as hell, so if you must watch this film, do so with the commentary track turned on (It can be accessed by clicking on the RareFlix.com logo in the Special Features section on the DVD). Not Rated.

SAIGON COMMANDOS (1987) - This film spends little time addressing the Vietnam War, even though it takes place in Saigon during the year 1970. This film spends most it's time dealing with the exploits of a group of MPs, led by Sgt. Mark Stryker (Richard Young; FINAL MISSION - 1984), as they deal with a city that's so corrupt, it's nearly impossible to get anything done. Sgt. Stryker and his men not only contend with a serial killer dubbed the "Hollowpoint Killer" by the press (due to the type of bullet the killer uses), they also have to constantly keep the peace between the American occupation and the locals who resent their presence. Tensions are so bad, some locals slit the throat of Sgt. Tim Bryant's (John Allen Nelson; KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE - 1988) Vietnamese girlfriend while he watches. The appearance of Associated Press reporter Jean Lassiter (P.J. Soles; HALLOWEEN - 1978), who is assigned to ride along with Sgt. Stryker, only makes his job more difficult. When the Hollowpoint Killer, who has murdered ten Vietnamese locals, kills his first American victim, the pressure is put on Sgt. Stryker to find him and find him fast. Complicating matters is when Tim, who is grieving the loss of his girlfriend, turns rogue and begins murdering locals in retribution. Not anonymous locals, mind you, but prominent, influential locals. Sgt. Stryker, who had an opportunity to bring Tim in, but let his personal friendship with him get in the way, is framed by Col. Tranh (Joe Mari Avellana) for the death of Stryker's commanding officer (Frederick Bailey). When a lynch mob of locals try to grab Stryker as he is taken into custody, he escapes with the help of Jean and some of his MP buddies. He then sets out to clear his name, stop both Tim and the Hollowpoint Killer and bring Col Tranh and his men down. To do that, Stryker gathers all his Special Forces buddies together (he first has to rescue them in the jungle while they are under heavy enemy fire) and they then begin to lay waste to Saigon. When a nun and some orphans are killed by a sniper, the locals blame Tim, but Stryker knows better. The sniper is actually working for Col. Tranh, who is also responsible for the Hollowpoint Killer. Col. Tranh hopes to get the locals so riled up that they force all Americans out of Saigon. The sniper then kills a bunch of Buddhists and tensions reach the boiling point. When Jean is kidnapped, Stryker and his men swing into action and save her. The finale takes place at an anti-American rally, where Tim has the rally's leader, Nguyen HuuTri (Joonie Gamboa), in his sights. Stryker must settle with Tim, the Hollowpoint Killer and a corrupt political system all at the same time before the film concludes.  This is a halfway decent actioner that also attempts to address the difficulties the American occupation had to endure while living amongst people quite different than us during a time of war. While far from perfect (there's evidence of post-production tampering by adding narration by Richard Young to walk us through some scenes, which were probably never finished or didn't contain enough footage to survive without an added explanation), director Clark Henderson (who also gave us the god-awful WARLORDS FROM HELL [1985] and the so-so PRIMARY TARGET [1988]) at least tries to deliver something different, mixing action, mystery, political intrigue, corruption and racial tensions into a heady little brew. You've got to admire a film that opens with a Vietnamese rock band (actually Filipino group "The Eurasia Band") grooving to "House Of The Rising Sun" and "Midnight Special" while a group of American GIs (led by Nick Nicholson) and Vietnamese locals face-off in a bar. The script, by Thomas McKelvey Cleaver (THE SISTERHOOD - 1987; THE TERROR WITHIN - 1988), is much more political than most films in this genre and the backdrop of cultural differences does manage to generate some genuine suspense. This film also tries to play fair with both sides of the political coin. Scripter Cleaver portrays the occupying American forces and the native Vietnamese as flawed human beings with passions that turn out tragically for both sides. Sure, there are villians here, but most of them pay for their sins with their lives. Tim's death is probably the film's most dramatic, kind of what law enforcement calls "death by cop", where Tim leaves his buddies no choice but to kill him, even though his sniper rifle is out of ammunition. To Tim, this is a hero's death. He would rather his friends kill him then spend the rest of his life in prison. Director Henderson fills the film with plenty of bloody bullet squibs (including scenes of children getting killed), explosions, chases and nudity, so action fans will not be disappointed, but this film has loftier ambitions than a straight-ahead action flick. Give it a try. If I didn't know better, I would say that Filipino director/producer Cirio H. Santiago had a hand in this (it's full of his people, both in front and behind the camera), but his name is nowhere to be found in the credits. Also starring Jim B. Jr., Spanky Manikan, Willie Williams, Crispin Medina, Leo Martinez, Steve Rogers, Ronnie Patterson, David Light and Jack Daniels. A Media Home Entertainment Release. Not yet available on DVD. Rated R.

SAVAGE INSTINCT (1989) - Holy crap! I've seen some low-rent action flicks in my time, but this one is absolutely anorexic. The film opens with hulking, bald-headed drug manufacturer Mongo (Brian Oldfield, who looks like Peter Boyle in YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN!) putting a spiked leather headband on his noggin and then head-butting a sweaty lab technician, killing him (while his workers chant, "Do him! Do him! over and over) for dipping his nose in the company stash. We then meet widow Susan Morris (Debra Sweaney), who is thinking of buying a house "out in the sticks" and is going to check it out with a real estate agent. They get a flat tire right by Mongo's drug operation, so he chases them down in his pickup truck (Real Estate Agent: "We've had it!"  Susan: "Don't say that!"), kills the real estate agent and takes Susan prisoner, where she is abused, bitten and nearly raped twice (once by a woman!) until she escapes and runs to the house of Mr. Wilson (J. Brown). Trouble is, Mr. Wilson is in cahoots with Mongo, so he turns Susan back over to Mongo, where she is tied-up again, nearly raped again and escapes again. She hitches a ride with three horny teens, who try to rape her before Mongo's men kill them and recapture her again! Mongo tries to kill her with the spiked headband, but she escapes again, by walking on top of the heads of Mongo and his gang (as she runs away, she turns around to face Mongo, grabs her crotch and yells out "Hey! Hey! Hey!" like Fat Albert!). She steals a police car, runs down a few of the gang and then decides she's had enough. Suddenly, she turns into a one-woman termination squad, fashioning weapons from farm tools, changing her appearance from a schoolmarm to a sex vixen and killing nearly all of Mongo's gang with various edged weapons and a whip! She kills Mongo, steals all his drug money and walks off into the sunset. I guess she deserved something for all her troubles.  Where do I begin to explain just how awful this film really is? First off, Debra Sweaney as Susan is simply a horrible actress. She seems to think that she's acting in a comedy and her line delivery, where she is always talking to herself and smiling (even when she's being attacked) is annoying and amateurish (Watch the scene where she jumps in the car with the three horny teens and tell me that she isn't one of the worst actresses of all time.) It's embarrassing to watch. Since this was directed/produced/scripted by Patrick G. Donahue, who also gave us the unbelievable KILL SQUAD (1981; his first and best film) and the so-bad-it's-good PAROLE VIOLATORS (1994), you know what to expect here: Action sequences on a dime store budget (including an obvious junked car being used in a crash gag), amateur actors (including Donahue's brother, Sean Donahue, as Mongo's right-hand man Terk) and cheap, unconvincing gore effects. The finale, where Susan takes on various members of Mongo's gang with her homemade weapons is so badly done, it's not even good for unintentional entertainment value. Her first opponent is Chang (Steven Lee), who warns Susan that he has had fifteen years of martial arts training. Susan then shoves a spike into Chang's foot and says "Ballet. Six months!"  She then throws two giant nails into Chang's eyes and he is so dishonored by her actions that he pounds the nails deeper into his skull until they protrude out of the back of his head! The film's lame attempt at humor comes when Susan shoves a twig in the ear of a black gang member who tries to rape her and he spends the rest of the film saying "What?" every time some talks to him. Also, for a film with so many attempted rapes (I think there were a total of five), there is no nudity at all. That's like shooting yourself in the foot, isn't it? Truly painful to watch, almost like a filmic version of having a colonoscopy. Just like in Donahue's KILL SQUAD, the lead villain is decapitated by an axe in the finale. Please, please, please, do yourself a favor and pass on this stinker unless you get off on watching paint dry. I think I just gave paint a bad name. Troma Films released this film under the title THEY CALL ME MACHO WOMAN. Enough said? Also starring Mike Donohue, Roger Arildson, Jerry Johnson, Paul Henri and Sean McCarty.  An Action International Pictures Home Video Release. Rated R.

SEARCH AND DESTROY (1979) - Pretty good Canadian-made actioner. A crazed Vietnamese assassin (Park Jong Soo) with a deformed hand begins killing American soldiers across the United States years after the war ends. He's now in Niagra Falls and when Kip Moore (Perry King) is notified by Police Captain Fusqua (George Kennedy) that his business partner (and fellow squad member) was found dead in his car, he contacts best friend (and also a squad member) Buddy Grant (Don Stroud) and they begin an investigation of their own. They at first think local mobster Ernie Cappel (Rummy Bishop) may have something to do with it, but change their minds when the assassin shoots and wounds Kip as he steps off the Maid Of The Mist and then chases Buddy (after shooting him in the leg) into a nearby power plant and beats the crap out of him before the police arrive. Buddy is hurt badly and hospitalized and Kip tells Captain Fusqua that the assassin use to be part of his squad until they were ambushed and they were forced to leave him behind. It looks like he has returned for some payback. Fusqua and his men tail Kip in hopes of catching the assassin in the act, but he is much too smart for that. Kip visits Buddy in the hospital and learns that Buddy is going to be a quadraplegic for the rest of his life. He begs Kip to kill him, but Kip doesn't want to do it until Buddy has some time to think about it. The assassin kidnaps Kip's girlfriend and leaves a note (as well as a dead cop) for Kip to meet him alone and settle the score (When one of Fusqua's men wants to set up a stakeout, Kip says, "See to your dead and leave me alone!"). Kip gets ready for battle by arming himself to the teeth. He manages to turn the tables and makes the assassin the prey after rescuing his girlfriend. The final battleground turns out to be a busy city block where innocent pedestrians are killed before Kip and the assassin fight it out on the rooftops and then in a wooded city park. The war is on!  Grittily directed by Canadian genre vet William Fruet (DEATH WEEKEND - 1976; FUNERAL HOME - 1980; SPASMS - 1982; and many others), this film is different from most action films because it paints a sympathetic picture for both sides. Kip just wants to forget about the war, but he knows it is impossible (his dreams won't let him) and the assassin can't forget about it until he gets total revenge on the soldiers responsible for leaving him behind and letting the enemy torture him, his mangled hand a constant reminder of the pain he endured. Fruet and screenwriter Don Enright don't play favorites as can be seen in the scene where Kip tries to explain the war to his girlfriend Kate (Tisa Farrow, who made ZOMBIE a short time later), which is intercut with the assassin looking at his war scrapbook and praying to a photo of Jesus. The scene between Kip and a paralyzed Buddy in the hospital is heart-wrenching and is another unusual thing in a film like this (even though the paralysis angle is never resolved). The Niagra Falls locations are used to good effect, especially the Maid Of The Mist/ power plant and city block/park scenes. Although the film is rated PG, this is not kid's stuff. The material is adult and engrossing without being bloody. Put this on your list of action must-sees. Also starring Tony Sheer, Phil Aikin, Daniel Buccos and a wax figure of Telly Savalas as Kojak. Available on VHS from Astral Video and Vestron Video. Also available on DVD as part of a double feature (with THE GLOVE) from Dark Sky Films. Rated PG.

SFX RETALIATOR (1987) - A robbery at a shipping yard results in a shootout where many people are killed. In retaliation, there is another shootout at a restaurant, courtesy of crimeboss Morgan (Gordon Mitchell), who is looking to take over the territory. Morgan's new girlfriend, Doris (Linda Blair) steals a briefcase with a million dollars in it out of Morgan's safe, which leads to a car chase in which Doris' car is disabled. Doris flags down Steve Baker (Christopher Mitchum), who happens to be in the wrong place at the right time. After fooling Morgan's men with a fake hand grenade, Steve and Doris get away. Luckily, Steve is a movie special effects technician and it will come in handy later on. Doris delivers the money to Morgan's rival Mancini (David Light) and we learn that Doris hates Morgan because he killed her father when she was a child (she witnessed it). Morgan orders his men to pick up Steve, so they go to his house, rough up his wife Kate (Christine Landson) and kidnap her when they realize Steve is not home. Morgan gives Steve 72 hours to return Doris and the money to him or his wife will be killed. Steve begins searching the town for Doris with very little luck until a bartender who Steve questions calls Mancini. Soon, Steve has Mancini's men gunning for him, but he tricks his house with pyrotechnics and special effects, including a remote control pickup truck, which he uses to follow the thugs back to Mancini's home. Steve kidnaps Doris and then finds himself in a whole new pickle. Mancini's men try to stop him from delivering Doris to Morgan, using a rocket-firing helicopter, but Steve shoots it down with a grenade launcher (in one of the film's cheesier effects). He delivers Doris to Morgan, but Morgan refuses delivery because Doris doesn't have the money she stole from him. Morgan gives Steve and Doris three hours to return the money or Kate dies. They must now go back to Mancini's house and steal the money. Stealing the money is easy (maybe too easy) and Steve makes the trip back to Morgan, not aware that Mancini switched the money with counterfeit bills and has shot and killed Doris for her treachery. This is not going to be a pleasant day for Steve and Kate.  This Philippines-lensed film, a Silver Star Film Company production directed by Jun Gallardo (RESCUE TEAM - 1983; COMMANDO INVASION - 1986), using his "John Gale" pseudonym, is a decent enough diversion, but it is missing much of those wild action setpieces that we come to expect from films of this type. Chris Mitchum is, of course, stiff as a ten day-old corpse, but we don't watch these films for his acting ability, do we? He makes a serviceable action hero and I especially liked the scene where he rescues his wife, they make love and she screams out "Action!" just as she reaches climax (while a "best of" compilation of Steve's best special effects explosions are spliced-in to represent her pleasure!). Speaking of explosions, there are plenty here, as we are shown Steve blowing up stuff in a film he is working on (a Vietnam War film), his truck is tricked-out with hidden machine guns and grenade launchers and he even blows up his own house as a diversion for Morgan's men! There are also plenty of gunfights, a real sappy song plays on the sountrack while Steve searches for Doris (the lyrics repeat the phrase, "Get my baby back" over and over), Gordon Mitchell has a role here that isn't a glorified cameo (like most of his 80's roles) and most of the cast can't seem to remember if Steve's last name is "Baker" or "Becker", as they use both, sometimes in the same scene! SFX RETALIATOR contains enough weirdness, including the death of Steve's wife, even after all they've been through together and Steve's homemade tank (you gotta see it!), which he uses in the finale to destroy Morgan's property (Morgan calls the police and says, "No, not thanks, tank! T-A-N-K!") to make this worthwhile viewing. It's no FINAL SCORE (1986) but, hell, what is? At least Gordon Mitchell blows up real nice. Also starring Dave Petterson, Warren McLean, Don Holden and Paul Perry. The version I view was a DVD-R ripped from a Japanese-subtitled VHS tape. Picture quality was very good. Not Rated.

SGT. CLARIN: BULLET FOR YOUR HEAD (1990) - Another wild Filipino actioner with too many "What The Fuck?!?" moments to process in one viewing. The film opens with a bar fight (what else?), where Danny Clarin (Max Laurel; ROBOWAR - 1988) tries to stop a drunk American from fondling a female dancer on stage. This turns into a melee where Danny has to beat the crap out of three guys (at one point, Danny and a brawny fighter get into a ball-grabbing competition!). Immediately after the fight, Danny is introduced to a military man and he instantly joins the Marines! After a basic training montage (where Danny excels at every task), the film switches to a bunch of guerilla rebels holding an American soldier captive at their base camp (he has two live grenades tied around his neck by a piece of twine while live ants crawl all over his body!). The Marines lay siege to the rebels' camp, with Danny blowing the crap out of anyone and anything in his way, eventually rescuing the American soldier after cleaving the rebel commander's head in two with a sword. After being wounded in battle, Danny is promoted in rank to Sergeant and gets to lead his own platoon. When Danny's brother is killed and his mother is put in the hospital by the goons of a local crimelord, Danny asks for a leave of absence from his superiors, but is turned down because they are on "triple red alert". Seeing that his mother is a basketcase (she witnessed Danny's brother being viciously gunned down), Danny goes AWOL to get his revenge. He is framed for the assassination of the town's mayor, so Danny becomes a one-man hit squad, killing all the crimelord's goons, by crossbow, gunfire and even decapitation before he finally blasts the crimelord to kingdom come. Danny then gets married to his childhood sweetheart Mary (Monica Herrera) and talks his platoon into secretly helping him in ridding the area of the rebels who have been raiding and murdering the people of his and neighboring villages. When the rebels take Danny's entire village hostage and demand that Danny give himself up in trade (or they will kill a hostage every twenty minutes), he has no choice but to turn himself over to the rebels. After being brutally tortured, Danny is rescued by his platoon. They then steal an APC and head towards the rebel's base camp, where Danny throws the rebel leader in a water-filled cage, followed by a two-grenade chaser. The finale finds Danny and his AWOL platoon making a decision to surrender to the Marines. Danny, with the help of new wife Mary, makes a deal to surrender, but a series of miscommunications and unfortunate events leads to the death of Danny's entire platoon and Danny himself (while clutching a baby, no less!) by the Marines. Mary arrives just in time to hear Danny say, "I love you!" one more time before he croaks. Cue the angelic choir (literally).  This off-the-wall Filipino actioner is nothing more than one bloody vignette after another. Every 15 minutes or so, the film switches to a new storyline (some plot points, like the search for hidden gold, are completely dropped without ever being resolved) and a different direction, the only connecting link being Danny and his need to kill someone or blow something apart. The film is bloody as hell, as people are shot in the head, riddled with bullets, stabbed, impaled (one poor rebel is impaled on a long pole and dragged across the ground by Danny) and decapitated (there is a lot of violence to people's heads here). The English dubbing is truly atrocious, the funniest example being that the dubbers changed Danny's last name from "Clarin" to "Clark", totally ignoring the title of the film! This film also has a slight religious subtext to it, as there is a lot of talk of Heaven, Hell and having faith in God, but actor-turned-director Willie Dado (this is his only directorial effort), working with a script by Leleng Ubaldo Jr., has no problem showing scenes of bloody torture (Danny is sliced repeatedly with a knife and then thrown into a stagnant, water-filled cage), horrendous deaths or having a bad guy press a gun to a baby's head. This mindless, gory actioner is a treat for fans of Filipino action cinema and gets my highest recommendation. Grab it if you're lucky enough to locate a copy. If star Max Laurel looks familiar to Filipino movie fans, it's probably because he essayed the title role in ZUMA (1985) and it's sequel ZUMA 2: HELL SERPENT (1987). Also starring Romy Diaz, Lola Rodriguez, Orestes Ojeda, Charlie Davao, Ruel Vernal, Ramon (Boy) Bagatsing, Tony Bernal, Rommel Valdez and Alex DeLeon. Made by popular Filipino production company Regal International, Inc., who were better known for making sex comedies and film parodies with titles like BOBOCOP (1987), STARZAN: SHOUTING STAR OF THE JUNGLE (1989) and GOOSEBUSTER (1991), all directed by Tony Y. Reyes. The print I viewed was sourced from a pretty sharp fullscreen Japanese-subtitled VHS tape. This has not had a legitimate U.S. home video release in any format, but what's so unusual about that? Wake up, America! This is exactly the kind of shit we need to see! Not Rated.

SKYSCRAPER (1995) - Unbelievably bad action film that is basically a vanity project for the late Anna Nicole Smith (who was also an associate producer on this). It's quite obvious that she has a screen presence (she even does a nude shower scene in the first 15 minutes), but as soon as she opens her mouth to speak, it's easy to see she can't act a lick and her slurred speach shows that, even back in 1995, she had a prescription pill problem. To stretch credibility even further, Anna Nicole plays a commercial helicopter pilot (aw, c'mon!) named Karen who unwittingly gets in the middle of a terrorist's plot when they take over a highrise building. Yes, this is a gender-reversal rip-off of DIE HARD and is only recommended for those who like to watch tragic train wrecks. The train wreck is, of course, Anna Nicole Smith and watching her try to act is truly a painful experience for the viewer (she literally cannot walk and chew gum at the same time, which is never more evident when she tries to run with a gun in her hands). While the film is very violent (hardly a minute goes by without someone getting shot, beat up or blown up). most of the film lifts scenes and characters verbatim from DIE HARD, from Anna Nicole's close call while swinging off the side of the skyscraper and crashing through a window in the nick of time, only to almost be pulled back out the window by the weight of the object falling from the other end of the cable and the fact that some of the terrorists have long blond hair and speak with a German accent. There's also the co-worker that offers to bring Karen in for his freedom (only to be shot dead), the gun-shy security guard (substituting for Reginald Vel Johnson's cop) who uses his gun to save Karen's life and many other instances which would give the makers of DIE HARD more than enough evidence to sue for copyright infringement. There's a subplot where Karen's detective husband Gordy (Richard Steinmetz) breaks into the skyscraper trying to save her (In the beginning, she yells at him, "I want a baby!" after they make love in the shower, in one of the film's creepier moments), but it goes nowhere. Director Raymond Martino (DAVINCI'S WAR - 1993; TO THE LIMIT - 1995, also starring Anna Nicole and made back-to-back with this) tries to keep the film moving at a brisk pace, but the sad fact is that whenever Anna Nicole is on screen, the film grinds to a screeching halt. This film is just a sad reminder of what the public's idea of what a celebrity is. Instead of holding Ms. Smith in high regard, we should have been getting her some much-needed help for her addictions. Unfortunately, SKYSCRAPER is a testament to her celebrity and will always be here to remind us what a tragic figure she really was. To get our minds off how truly bad she was as an actress, she gets naked three times here, including a rape attempt and a romantic flashback. This is a rare misfire for producers Richard Pepin and Joseph Merhi, made during their "Golden Period" of PM Entertainment, when they were turning out winners like RAGE (1995) RIOT (1996) and many others. Also starring Branko Cikatic, Calvin Levels, Jonathan Fuller and Lee DeBroux. A PM Entertainment Release. Rated R.

SLOW BULLET (1988) - Here's something you don't see every day: A SOV war film. It's not listed in any of the reference books. Hell, it's not even on the IMDB. There's a reason for that. Just like it's title, SLOW BULLET is the deadly-slow story of Buddy (Jim Baskin), an ex-GI who suffers from nightmares from his stint in the Vietnam War. It's apparent to see from the opening shot that it is going to take some heavy intestinal fortitude to get through the entire film. A flashback (which looks like it was filmed in someone's back yard [actually Tennessee and Florida]) shows Buddy cheating death when a V.C.'s (Quan Nguyen T) gun fails to discharge and he shoots the gook. He saves the faulty bullet and wears it around his neck. Sixteen years later, he's a chain-smoking, drug-addicted, drunken bum who obsesses over his time in Nam (and particularly, one episode during the end of his tour), talking about it to himself in his dingy room, arguing about it with his girlfriend (Lisa Leonard) or commiserating over it with his uncaring shrink (Vic "Bruno" Akers), who keeps interrupting the sessions to take personal phone calls. Buddy has hallucinations of the gook raping and killing his girlfriend and spray paints a scope sight on his cinderblock bedroom wall. He keeps ranting to himself while taking sips from his booze bottle (and badly superimposed stock footage of the war is projected on his face). It gets to the point that you hope that bullet he wears around his neck would spontaneously explode, so there would be a premature ending to this film. Alas, the cycle of Buddy ranting to himself, his shrink, his girlfriend and having flashbacks are repeated over and over until the film ends a long 95 minutes later. If there is a moral to this film, it is this: If you are part of a platoon who rape and kill innocent gook women during the war, don't expect your girlfriend to come out unscathed in the present.  It's hard to describe what one feels when watching this film. It's apparent the novice director Allen Wright and screenwriter Kenneth Ward (who both have roles as soldiers in Buddy's platoon) were trying to make a serious statement about the plight of Vietnam vets that came home to an uncaring public (as demonstrated by the shrink), but damn, it's hard to take this seriously, especially when some hair metal bands' (Convicted and Vandetta) music keeps popping up on the sountrack. The lyrics to their original songs are way out of place (one song repeats the chorus: "Bang, Bang, You're Dead. You're Fucking Dead!") and the ballad ("Still Waiting") that plays during the scene where Buddy is first making love, then fighting, with his girlfriend, is so far over the top that you forget you're watching a war film. Toss in endless dialogue scenes, solarized shots (a favorite with SOV films because the button is right there on the video camera, begging to be pushed), endless flashbacks (are there maple trees in Vietnam?) and that tinny live sound that comes with shooting on video, and you have one hard-to-find film that deserves to stay that way. It felt like it lasted longer than the actual war. This is another one of those films that my friend William Wilson likes to send to me. I'm beginning to think he finds satisfaction in torturing me. Also starring Steadman Stahl and Tony Akers.  A Phoenix Associates Distributors/Mama's Home Video/Rest Area Productions Home Video Release. Not Rated.

SPECIAL SILENCERS (1979) - Oh my God! This is one of the most outrageously insane action/fantasy films I have ever had the pleasure to view. This is one funny Indonesian film, thanks to whoever was responsible for the hilarious dubbing and the unusual screenplay (by Deddy Armand). The story is simple: Conniving crook Gundar (Dicky Zulkamaen, who gets to spout the best lines) wants to be mayor of the town. The only problem is that there already is a mayor and he is bringing a special cop into town to investigate some funny business that is going on. Luckily Gundar has these red pills he keeps in a small box around his neck. They are called "Special Silencers" and he stole them from his monk grandfather (but not before his grandfather cut off his right leg right below the knee!). When injested, the silencers grows plants in the person's stomach and branches burst out of the chest, mouth and eyes. Gundar (who has skin made of steel thanks to a practice he learned from his grandfather) takes a meeting with the mayor and puts one of the red pills into the mayor's coffee when he's not looking. A couple of minutes later, the mayor is lying on the floor screaming while plants shoot out of his stomach, mouth and eyes (I guarantee that you will be shocked as well as laugh). Gundar has his henchmen destroy the bridge leading into town to stop the special cop from making it into town. With the cop is the mayor's daughter Julia (Eva Arnez) and they both meet Hendra (Barry Prima), who stops on his motorcycle to help Julia and the cop (who is her Uncle) refill their car's radiator with water. All three stop at the bridge and Hendra goes on his motorcycle to bring back help to fix the bridge (He jumps the broken bridge with his motorcycle like Evel Knievel). While Hendra is away, Julia and her Uncle decide to have a picnic. Unfortunately, Gundar's right-hand man Gumilar (W.D. Mochtar) is waiting behind the bushes and puts a red pill in the food. While Julia is off taking a dip at the river, her Uncle starts eating the food on the bridge and he falls down and screams in pain as plantlife comes bursting out of every orifice. Julia comes running and passes out after seeing the condition her Uncle is in.  The rest of the film finds Gundar trying to kill Julia and Hendra, as they are the only people standing in his way from becoming the mayor. A few more people will swallow the red pills and there are many martial arts fights between Julia, Hendra and Gundar's inept fighting force.  Believe me when I say that once you watch this you will never ever forget it. Director Arizal (who also made the amazing THE STABILIZER - 1984 and the astounding FINAL SCORE - 1986), peppers the film with constant fighting, outlandish sound effects and a great amount of graphic gore and carnage. The red pill scenes are very well done and extremely bloody. I found myself laughing out loud on many occasions and I believe that a lot of it was intentional, although some of the dubbing was to blame, too. You know you're in for something special when right in the beginning Gundar says to Gumilar, "If you're going to be tenderhearted about it, then take your tender heart some place else!" He also says on one occasion to Hendra, "You'll never kill me, so let me go!" My favorite line comes after one of Gundar's henchmen, named Tonto, gets impaled on a tree branch after fighting with Hendra. Gundar later says to Gumilar, "Why didn't you bring Tonto's body back with you?" Gumilar replies back, "I didn't have a saw!"  There are also some outlandish setpieces on view, too, such as when Hendra and Julia are at her father's grave when all of a sudden a dozen of Gundar's men come popping up out of the ground and out of coffins to fight the duo. Hendra also does a truck stunt that is very similar to the one Harrison Ford does in RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, although this one was done three years earlier! There's also a scene where Hendra rolls down a room in a barrel while holding a sickle and slices off a fighters leg (and knocks off Gundar's fake leg), a shot of a snake eating a rat, a mouse attack on Julia while she is tied up (Gundar calls them his "black commandos") and plenty of the red stuff (some of it shoots right into the camera lens), including a fight in a lumber mill where Gumilar gets his head shoved into the spinning blade of a giant lumber saw! I'll leave the rest for you, the viewer to enjoy as there is so much more here to take in. This film officially makes it into my CritCon top 20 films of all time! The version I viewed was taken from a Dutch-subtitled VHS tape. Not available legally on home video in the U.S. in any form. That needs to change! Not Rated.

SPITFIRE (1994)  -  Albert Pyun strikes again! Why? Why? Why? I would like to get my hands on his financial backers and shake some sense into them. He is truly one of the worst directors of B movies in the world, yet he still gets the moola to churn out 4 or 5 films a year. This one is a lame James Bond takeoff about the world’s greatest spy (Lance Henriksen, who should have learned his lesson after appearing in Pyun’s awful KNIGHTS [1993]) who is kidnapped by the other side (led by a bored-looking Sarah Douglas). He manages to hide a key in his long-lost daughter’s (Kristie Phillips) luggage. Luckily, his daughter is a world-class gymnast and martial artist because she gets into numerous clashes and fights with Douglas and her cronies. What follows are some of the worst staged action scenes and fist fights committed to celluloid. See if you can count how many times Douglas slugs Henriksen in the face (a running gag throughout the film). Do yourself a favor and steer clear of this one or any film with Pyun’s name on it. More painful than an ass full of hemorrhoids. Also starring Tim Thomerson as an alcoholic sports reporter (could that be a prophecy?). A Vidmark Entertainment Home Video Release. Rated R. For more Pyun nonsense, see the reviews for CAPTAIN AMERICA (1990), NEMESIS (1992), RAVEN HAWK (1995) and OMEGA DOOM (1995).

THE STABILIZER (1984) - Wow! After viewing SPECIAL SILENCERS (1979), FINAL SCORE (1986) and, now, this film, all I have to say is this: All hail director Arizal!  This film is so full of non-stop action, carnage and "What The Fuck?!" moments, you'll never want it to end. When a genius professor (Kaharuddin Syah) is kidnapped by Victor (Mark Sunglar), a henchman for international crimelord Greg Rainmaker (Craig Gavin), the Indonesian government sends for FBI agent Peter Goldson (Peter O'Brian), known as "The Stabilizer", to rescue the professor and bring down Rainmaker. Peter has a severe hate for Rainmaker, because seven years earlier, he raped and killed Peter's fiancee by stepping on her with spiked shoes, his weapon of choice (As she lies there dying, her last words to Peter are, "Watch out for his shoes!"). Rainmaker kidnapped the professor because he has invented a "narcotics detector" and he will not give Rainmaker the formula (this plot device is all but dropped after the kidnapping). When Victor sets up and captures Peter and his cop friend Johnny (Harry Capri), they are saved by crossbow-wielding Christina (Dana Christina), the professor's daughter (I also think this is the first time I have ever seen anyone killed with a weed whacker!). Christina joins forces with Peter, Johnny and Peter's FBI partner Sylvia (Gillie Beanz) to look for her father. They find him, but he is killed in the rescue attempt. Rainmaker kidnaps Christina ("She should give me some fun!"), so Peter, Johnny and Sylvia travel by speedboat to Rainmaker's private island (after avoiding some torpedos!) to rescue her. They find Rainmaker's ex-mistress Nora (Yenny Faridha) tied-up with a bomb around her neck (long story) and disarm it (if you count throwing it away from you while it explodes disarming it). Nora agrees to take them to Rainmaker's compound, but they are all taken prisoner and tied-up in a burning warehouse (Rainmaker says to Peter, in one of my favorite lines ever: "You'll soon meet God. Tell him I'm doing fine here."). They manage to break free and then get into one of the bloodiest shootouts/matorcycle chases in film history. Peter finally catches Rainmaker and stomps on him with Rainmaker's own spiked shoes ("This is for my wo-man!"), but Rainmaker manages to escape by helicopter. Not for long, though!  This highly entertaining, yet brainless, action flick made me laugh so many times, I thought I was going to have a coronary. From the opening scene, when a guy on a motorcycle crashes through a window of the professor's house, only to get off his bike to open the front door to let Victor in (!), to the unbelievable conclusion, where too many things happen to explain, you'll be shaking your head so much in disbelief, you're lucky if you don't come down with a case of whiplash. So many vehicles come crashing through windows or walls, you'll wonder if anyone in this film (besides Victor) knows how to use a door! Nevermind that lead actor Peter O'Brian is the mirror image of Frank Stallone if he had a permed mullet (Wait. He did at one time, didn't he?), just sit back and enjoy all the mindless violence, nudity, explosions and car chases/crashes. Not only does one of Victor's goons look like Mr. T (who was popular at the time with THE A-TEAM), you will also see a guy geek lizards (disgusting scenes of a man ripping apart lizards with his teeth), watch in amazement as Rainmaker kills his own men for disappointing him (he strings one guy up, gives him a couple of kicks to the knees with his spiked shoes and then electrocutes him!) and listen to the hysterical dialogue. This is Peter's opinion of Rainmaker: "He's the man I hate the most. I despise scum like Rainmaker!" And Rainmaker says this to Nora when he thinks that she's betrayed him (she hasn't): "If you weren't so good in bed, I'd kill you right now!" I especially loved Victor's remark to Nora, just before he kills her: "Dance to your grave, you dirty whore!" So, if you like never-ending bloodshed (including death by flamethrower, crossbow, axe and multiple firearms), unbelievable stunts and quotable dialogue, look no further than THE STABILIZER. The screenplay was written by Deddy Armand and John Rust. Armand has written the screenplays for SPECIAL SILENCERS, FINAL SCORE and the Peter O'Brian-starrers THE INTRUDER (1986) and Arizal's little-seen DOUBLE CROSSER (1990). This is Rust's only Indonesian script. He is better known for directing episodes of the 80's Saturday morning cartoon, THE SMURFS! A Troma DVD Release. The presentation is fullscreen, but watchable, even if the final reel looks a little wobbly. Not Rated.

STEEL ARENA (1973) - Stunt-filled car crash actioner that mixes fact with fiction. Dusty Russell (playing himself) drifts into a small Southern town and accepts a job from bar owner Harry (Bill McKnight) driving and delivering moonshine in a souped-up 1939 Dodge. Before he can make his fir