THE ARK OF THE SUN GOD (1983) - One look at the title and you know what film this Italian/Turkish co-production is paying "homage" to. Rick Spear (the late David Warbeck), a globe-trotting adventurer and cat burglar, and his main squeeze Carol (Susie Sudlow) travel to Turkey on a business trip where Rick breaks into the mansion of Lord Dean (John Steiner), a crippled billionaire, and steals an ancient tablet that is a key to untold riches. He is caught, but it was all a test by Lord Dean. He hires Rick to locate and steal the Sceptor of Gilgamesh, located in the hidden Temple of the Sun God, somewhere in the Turkish desert. The sceptor is said to contain magical powers that will bring riches and good fortune to whomever possesses it. Rick has competition for the sceptor from Prince Abdullah (Aytekin Akkaya) and he has his inept men try to kidnap Carol, but Rick saves the day (with a well-aimed water hose). As Abdullah's bumbling goons try to stop him (they can't seem to do anything right), Rick begins a perilous journey through the desert with alcoholic tour guide Beetle (Alan Collins) and new sidekick Mohammed (Ricardo Palacios). Traveling by helicopter, they land at a mountain range that looks like a giant swastika. With Abdullah's men dogging their every move and Lord Dean revealing his ultimate secret, Rick and his team must maneuver a series of ancient boobytraps, including rats, snakes, a giant rolling stone wheel, lava and a sand and pulley puzzle (that nearly kills Rick) before they can get near the sceptor. Abdullah takes command before Rick can get his hands on the sceptor and he triggers one last boobytrap that brings down the whole temple.  Director Antonio Margheriti (CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE - 1980), here using his "Anthony M. Dawson" pseudonym, never saw a bandwagon that he didn't jump on and he was one of the best at churning out entertaining retreads. This film, along with HUNTERS OF THE GOLDEN COBRA (filmed back-to-back with this one, using many of the same actors), are rip-offs of Steven Spienberg's RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK and ARK OF THE SUN GOD is good fun in it's own low-budget way. When Rick runs into more trouble than he anticipated, he turns to Lord Dean and says. "I didn't know Roger Moore would be needed!" There's also an outlandish car chase in the desert (using Firebirds and Camaros) that comes out of nowhere, gun fights, explosions, a sword fight and lots of humor. Not particularly bloody (it would probably have earned a PG if submitted to the MPAA) and no nudity at all, this film is an enjoyable fantasy/adventure that can be viewed by both children and adults. Just don't set your sights too high and you should have a good time. This is part of VideoAsia/Ventura Distribution's TALES OF VOODOO series (Volume 4) and, for once, these thieving pirates offer a halfway decent widescreen print of the film which the DVD sleeve renames as TEMPLE OF HELL. Thankfully, the print retains it's original title. Trans World Entertainment offered a fullscreen print on VHS in the SP mode and Interglobal Home Video offered the same print in the EP speed. Also starring Anthony Berner and Suleyman Turhan. A VideoAsia/Ventura Distribution Release. Not Rated.

BATTLE OF THE AMAZONS (1973) - Stupid, but bloody, Italian-made sword and sandal fantasy about a tribe of female warriors who look at men as nothing but slaves or vessels only good for their "seed" (One Amazon says, "The male of the species is the most inferior creature on Earth!"). When one of their own is caught making love to Zeno (Lincoln Tate), they take him prisoner (after he cuts an Amazon's arm off in a sword fight) and make him a slave and then hang his lover upside down over a pit of sharpened stakes and set the rope on fire. She eventually falls and gets impaled multiple times. Zeno escapes (by putting a poisonous scorpion down the back of an Amazon, killing her) and meets kindly Valeria (Paola Tedescu) in the woods. After she tends to Zeno's wounds, he tells her that if she should ever need his help, he and his people will be there for her. That time will come all to soon. When Antiope (Gena Woods), the Queen of the Amazons, attacks Valeria's village with her warriors, killing Valeria's father and many of the women and older men, while kidnapping many of the young men as slaves (A few moments earlier, we witness the Amazons kill all their previous slaves in a mass slaughter to make room for the new ones!), Valeria travels to Zeno's village to ask for help. After making a deal with Zeno and three of his best warriors (She says, "Three sacks of crushed oats, ten panther skins, ten bear skins, five hogs and a measure of gold, but that's it!"), they go back to Valeria's village and begin training the villagers for combat. It's going to be an uphill battle, since the villagers are nothing but simple farmers. The Amazons, meanwhile, are busy having orgies with their new slaves (and each other) and planning their next attack on Valeria's village. Unbeknownst to Valeria and Zeno, Antiope has a spy in their village. When Valeria, Zeno and his men pull a surprise raid on the Amazon's slave camp, freeing all the slaves, Valeria's wannabe-suitor Erno (Benito Stefanelli), who is jealous of Zeno, turns traitor and goes to the Amazon's village to tell Antiope of Zeno's plans, only to learn of the spy and lose his life (by double spear impalement). When the Amazons attack Valeria's village in the finale, we learn the identity of the spy and Zeno and his men face-off against Antiope and her Amazons, with an able assist from Valeria and her female warriors.  This nonsensical fantasy owes a debt of gratitude to THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN (1960; which itself owes a debt to THE SEVEN SAMURAI - 1954), since the plot bears more than a passing glance to that film (Bruno Corbucci was one of the scripters here). Director Alfonso Brescia (using his frequent "Al Bradley" pseudonym), who also gave us the similarly stupid SUPER STOOGES VS. THE WONDER WOMEN (1975) and the awful STAR WARS knock-off STAR ODYSSEY (1979), fills the screen with nudity and violence, including rape, orgies (both straight and lesbian), impalements (by spears, swords and spikes), dismemberments and hand-to-hand combat (including some hilarious gladiatorial martial arts). It's quite apparent in the final face-off between the Amazons and Valeria's village that many of the masked Amazons are actually men in wigs (the arms don't lie). If you like plenty of trampoline action (who doesn't?), topless women (count me in!) and head-shaking dialogue ("You interrupted my dance of love!" and "This world was made for hate, not love!"), you could do a lot worse than this mindless Italian fantasy. It's like on of those 60's Hercules peplum films, with added copious nudity and gore. Also starring Lucretia Love, Mirta Miller, Solvay Stubing, Francesco (Frank) Brana, Pilar Clement, Riccardo Pizzuti and Robert Vidmark. Never legally available on home video in the United States (it was released theatrically by American International Pictures), it can be purchased on an All Region DVD from Eurovista Digital Entertainment. It's a pretty beat-up widescreen print (lots of emulsion scratches and missing frames, just like their release of THE DEAD ARE ALIVE), but watchable. Rated R.

THE BLIND WARRIOR (1985) - Another outrageous Indonesian fantasy from director Ratno Timoer, who previously gave us the unbelievable THE DEVIL'S SWORD (1984) and the unclassifiable REVENGE OF NINJA (1984). The film opens with an entire village being slaughtered when they won't give up the location of their ancestor's treasure. Enter blind warrior Barda (Advent Bangun; who looks to be wearing an outfit made from the skin of the Creature from the Black Lagoon!) and his pet monkey (who really serves no purpose in this film), as they walk through the village littered with the bodies of dead men, women and children and he makes a remark about man's inhumanity to man. We then cut to the village ruled by the evil Raden Parda, who is holding a huge ritual where the entire village prays to their god (a huge stone statue with red glowing eyes) and sacrifice a virgin to him. Unbeknownst to most of the villagers, when the virgin walks into the crotch of the statue, she is actually walking into Parna's private bedroom, where we see him make love to the virgin while miniature pink, white and red styrofoam balls fall around and nearly engulf them! When Parna sends his men to capture virgin village girl Sirimbi (Enny Beatrice), Barda steps in and defeats nearly a dozen of Parna's men (When they report back to their boss that they were beaten-up by a blind man, Parna says, "Godamned idiots! Are you telling me you can't even catch a blind man? Maybe I should have all of you blinded, huh? You bunch of idiots!"). Barda becomes the protector of Sirimbi's family (Her father says, "We all hate Raden Parna. He's got to be the forerunner of Satan!") and as he listens to Parna's men torture and kill some slaves that work in his gold mine (We see them kill a young boy by slashing his chest open with a sword and kill another man by impaling him with a spear), he vows to bring Parna down. While Barda is with Sirimbi's father, Parna's men capture Sirimbi and her hot-headed brother Yagi (Harry Capri). Barda steps in and creates a diversion where he throws a huge boulder in the air and shatters it by hurling his staff in it's direction. He then picks up Sirimbi and Yagi and flies away with them in his arms! Needless to say, Parna is pissed (He says to his head henchman, "Perhaps I should just pluck your eyes out of your stupid head! Because they're of no use to you, are they?"), so he travels to Sirimbi's village in his golden eagle chariot and offers to make Sirimbi his queen if she will marry him. She refuses and Barda challenges Parna to a magical duel. Then the shit really hits the fan. Since what I just described to you takes place during the first 35 minutes of the film, you can expect much more lunacy in the remaining 50 minutes!  As with all Indonesian fantasies, such as THE WARRIOR series (THE WARRIOR 2, also known as THE WARRIOR AGAINST THE BLIND SWORDSMAN, starred Advent Bangun playing basically the same character he does here, even if he uses a different name and carries a bigger staff in that film), it doesn't make much sense but, Jesus Christ, it's entertaining as hell. Filled with colorful characters (including a bad guy working at the mine with an unusual patch of chest hair that I just couldn't take my eyes off of!), outrageous set-pieces and some of the funniest dubbed dialogue this side of an Arizal film, THE BLIND WARRIOR is something every Indonesian fantasy fan should search out. The final 30 minutes is some of the most off-the-wall stuff you will ever see. Barda's battle with a flaming rag, his descent into the "Hole In Hell" (Parna's head henchman says to him, "It's a shame you're blind. If you were able to see, then you would die of horror!"), where he fights a bunch of decaying zombie women and Yagi and the rebel's assault on Parna's gold mine (where blowguns, arrows, pitchforks, swords and spears are used and the bad guy with the weird chest hair dies only after he takes an arrow, blowgun dart, knife and, finally, a spear to his chest!) are visual highlights. The final half hour is a non-stop gorefest (including three amazing decapitations as well as a guy getting cut in half at the waist!) and the film has some colorful set designs (including a really bright blood-red lake) and unintentionally hilarious dialogue (much of it relating to eye or lack thereof). Director Ratno Timoer is batting 3-for-3 in my book and someone should really release more of his films to English-speaking audiences. The fullscreen DVD I viewed looks to have been compiled from different sources (at one point, Japanese subtitles appear on-screen), but it is very sharp with rich colors. A must-own! A Terror Vision (British DVD; PAL Region 2) Release. Not Rated. Did I forget to mention that you'll witness a man being torn apart at his crotch?

THE DEMONS OF LUDLOW (1983) - The town of Ludlow, New England (actually filmed in Wisconson) is celebrating its' 200th anniversary. The Ludlow Estate in England sends over an antique gold plated harmonium (a panio that sounds like a harpsicord) as a gift and soon people start dying. A reporter (Stephanie Cushna), who left Ludlow when she was nine, returns to do a story on the town's bicentennial. She knows that this is not the first time that the harmonium has been in town. Her grandfather once told her a story about the cursed harmonium and how it killed many of Ludlow's townspeople years before. She begins to dig for information and does not like what she finds. Meanwhile, strange things are happening in Ludlow. Object begin to levitate. Toy dolls come to life. A young retarded girl is torn apart by the demonic ancestors of Ludlow (hence the title). Blood mysteriously appears everywhere. Can the reporter and the town priest (Paul Von Hausen) stop this madness before it wipes out the entire town? Do you really care? This example of regional filmmaking comes to us from Bill Rebane, who first gained notoriety when Herschell Gordon Lewis took Rebane's unfinished film, TERROR AT HALFDAY (1965), added new scenes and released it as MONSTER A GO-GO. THE DEMONS OF LUDLOW is slightly better than most of Rebane's films (mainly because of the fleeting nudity and gore, including a bloody decapitation), but he still has a long way to go before he reaches the stature of Al Adamson. Rebane also photographs most of his films (including this one) using the pseudonym "Ito" (?!). Former GINGER heartthrob Cheri Caffaro is listed as one of the associate producers. If you decide not to rent this one, don't worry. You're not missing much. For more on Bill Rebane see BLOOD HARVEST, THE GAME and INVASION FROM INNER EARTH reviews. A TWE Home Video Release. Not Rated.

THE DEVIL'S SWORD (1984) - As a sorcerer is sitting on a hilltop, he is nearly hit by a meteorite that whizzes past his ear. He grabs the meteor and takes it to his home, where he fashions it into a magical sword (the sword of the title). So begins another wild Indonesian fantasy, filled with violence, nudity and, above all, fun. We are next introduced to the Crocodile Queen (who can become invisible or turn into a crocodile). Every year a tribe of people sacrifice one of their male members to her, by throwing him naked into the lake where she lives (in a subterranean cave). The Queen resurrects warrior Banyu Jaga (Advent Bangun) to stop a wedding being performed by the tribe. He flies through the air, standing atop a boulder (like he was riding a surfboard!) and disrupts the wedding (when he jumps off the boulder, it crushes a tribal member against a tree). He tells the tribal leader that the Queen wants his newly-married son-in-law as a sacrifice (She fucks all her sacrifices and turns them into love slaves or cannibals that she keeps locked in a cage). When the tribal leader refuses, Banyu Jaga goes about killing nearly every male member of the tribe (decapitating a few and sending one guy twenty feet up in the air with a strike of his two curved swords). He then fights the tribal leader (he cuts off his hand and then disembowels him) and his daughter, the Bride, (and her umbrella of doom), before warrior Mandala (Barry Prima) arrives in town to save her. Mandala and Banyu Jaga (who once had the same master) fight it out, but Banyu resurrects some Crocodile Men out of the earth and they keep Mandala busy while Banyu delivers the groom to the Queen. Mandala gets a telepathic message from his master that he is in trouble and rushes to his home where Mandala discovers his master near death, his legs infected with puss-filled lesions. Mandala goes to the forest to retrieve a magic mushroom (in a scene that screams out "What The Fuck?!?"), grabs one, makes a potion and gives it to his master. He then cuts off both his master's legs with a sword to save his life! His legless master then gives Mandala a parchment, which is actually a map to the "Mountain of Swords", the location of the Devil's Sword we saw being made in the beginning of the film. Mandala the joins forces with the Bride to rescue her beloved from the clutches of the Crocodile Queen, but first they head to the Mountain of Swords to retrieve the Devil's Sword. He is not alone in his quest, as the Queen sends Banyu Jaga to also get the sword and three other evil warriors (each with different abilities and weapons) are also looking to get their mitts on it. Expect lots of gory goodness to follow.  If you're expecting logic, boy, do you have the wrong film! But if you want to be totally entertained, you picked the right flick. There are too many outrageous scenes and pieces of dialogue to describe in this review, but my favorite happens when Mandala and the Bride take a River Styx-like raft ride on their way to the Mountain of Swords. They are met on the bank of the bubbling, smoke-filled lake by a robed figure on a raft. When they are in the middle of the lake, the robed figure reveals itself to be a skeleton (!) and then they are attacked by three crocodiles that stand up on their hind legs (you really gotta see it to believe it!). The crocodiles attack them with huge serrated-edged swords (they look like chainsaw blades), until Mandala, the Bride and even the skeleton dispatch them by impalement or decapitation (a preferred way of death in this film). I guarantee that you will rewind this scene a few times, just to satisfy yourself that you didn't imagine it. The whole film has a delirious feel to it (the set design of the Crocodile Queen's underground lair is a marvel of imagination), including the trio of nasty warriors looking for the sword. They include a toothless old woman with a whip (She says to one warrior, "Wanna play around a little?); a bald-headed guy with a flying hat that decapitates people (He calls the old woman a "dirty daughter of a whore!"), which is a direct steal from MASTER OF THE FLYING GUILLOTINE (1975); and a guy with a snake that turns into a fighting staff (He tells the old woman, "You smell worse than death!"). Their fight against each other and Banyu Jaga at the mouth of the cave that holds the Devil's Sword is a classic of weird cinema and I love that the old woman gets most of the insults directed at her (Including, "You polluted bitch-hound!). Her death is also truly memorable. Barry Prima and Advent Bangun have appeared together in many films, including Ratno Timoer's REVENGE OF NINJA (1984; Timoer also directed this film) as well as THE WARRIOR 2 (1983) for director Dasri Jacob. Like I've said before, there's nothing quite like the experience of watching Indonesian-made fantasy films and this one is an easily obtainable example if you need to pop your cherry or just to have a good time. Wait until you see the cyclops Prima has to fight in the cave. Simply unbelievable. Also starring Gudhy Sintara, Enny Christina, Rita Zahara, I.M. Damsyik and Kandar Sinyo. This film, produced by Gope T. Samtani for Rapi Films (Indonesia's prime supplier of sleaze) is available on DVD in a nice widescreen print from Mondo Macabro. Not Rated. Did I forget to mention that there's a crocodile that shoots laser beams from it's mouth?

THE DIVINE ENFORCER (1991) - This is the best laugh that I've had in a long time although I doubt the filmmakers intended it that way. I also doubt that this film will be endorsed by any Catholic organization. Father Daniel (Michael Foley) is the new priest in town. When he hears confessions, he uses that information to punish sinners vigilante-style. With his arsenal of cross-shaped weapons and martial arts skills, he kills all the heathens that cross his path, but not before giving them one last chance to repent. Father Daniel also has "the sight", the ability to know something is going to happen before it does. The town is also under the grip of terror known as the "Vampire Killer" (terribly overplayed by a chunky Don Stroud), a psychopath who kills women by draining and drinking their blood then cutting off their heads. He then boils the heads and uses the skulls for his enjoyment (he uses one as a cereal bowl!). He makes a couple of visits to Father Daniel's confessional, where he taunts the poor Father. Since the confessional is sacred, Father Daniel must take the law into his own hands. Spouting such hilarious lines as, "Open the gates of Hell, for I am the right hand of God!", he hunts down the Vampire Killer and plants a crucifix-shaped dagger into his heart. The strange finale suggests that Father Daniel may indeed be God himself! This habit-forming (no pun intended) piece of sacreligious schlock is poorly made but holds your attention due to its offbeat subject matter. The sound is bad, the actors step on each other's lines and the plot situations have to be seen to be believed. Judy Landers plays the miniskirted housekeeper (!) of the parish. Erik Estrada (spelled "Eric" in the opening and closing credits!) is the bored monsignor. Jan Michael Vincent (again showing what alcohol and cocaine abuse can do to a career) is another priest who gets knifed in the neck by Stroud. Jim Brown and Robert Z'dar portray drug runners who get swift justice from Father Daniel. Carrie Chambers portrays a girl who also has "the sight" and helps Father Daniel find the Vampire Killer. There's even a Japanese Madonna-wannabe named Hiroko who sings us her latest hit. I'll bet none of these people will ever use this film as a reference! Yet, it is facinating in so many ways with its religious themes mixed with extreme bits of violence, nudity and strange visuals (including a talking skull) that I would have to recommend THE DIVINE ENFORCER to those looking for something unusual. It's bad but it's entertaining! I wonder what first-time director Robert Rundle, with his skewed sense of reality, will offer us next? A Prism Entertainment Release. This film is Unrated.

GHOST BRIGADE (1993) - This is a strange genre film (aka GREY KNIGHT and THE KILLING BOX) that deals with a group of undead soldiers attacking both Union and Confederate platoons during the Civil War. A Union officer (Adrian Pasdar of NEAR DARK - 1987) releases a Confederate officer (Corbin Bernsen) from prison to help him track down the renegade battalion. Clues left behind point to Bernsen’s former troop as committing the massacres, even though they have died two years earlier in a Union "killing box". Bernsen discovers that his former battalion have been possessed by an unseen force, brought from Africa years before on slaver ships, making them impervious to bullets or knives. A mute slave girl (Cynda Williams), who is clairvoyant, helps Bernsen and Pasdar track the undead brigade which results in a battle to the death. This compact film (80 minutes; a supposedly longer version exists overseas) contains some striking visuals and gory effects (supplied by KNB Effects, the busiest effects house in the business) and the unusual subject matter manages to hold your attention. Although it is leisurely-paced, I found it to be a good bet for renters. Also starring Ray Wise, Roger Wilson and Martin Sheen (enough already!). Directed by George Hickenlooper (HEARTS OF DARKNESS: A FILMMAKER’S APOCALYPSE - 1991), produced by Brad Krevoy and Steve Stabler and written by Matt Greenberg. The sets were left over from TBS’ production of the four hour telefilm GETTYSBURG. A Turner Home Entertainment Video Release. Rated R. Other similarly-themed films include  NIGHT OF HORROR (1981), CURSE OF THE CANNIBAL CONFEDERATES (1982), the slow-paced but affecting EYES OF FIRE (1984) and the disappointing THE SUPERNATURALS (1986).

GHOST WARRIOR (1986) - In 1552 Japan, samurai master Yoshi (Hiroshi Fujioka) is shot with an arrow and crashes through the ice of a frozen lake after unsuccessfully trying to rescue his wife from a rival clan (she dies after an enemy fighter impales her with a throwing knife). Over four hundred years later, Yoshi's body is found encased in ice and a scientific team, led by Dr. Alan Richards (John Calvin), attempt to revive him. Viewing the procedure is oriental antiquities expert Chris Welles (Janet Julian), who is given Yoshi's sword to study. The sword is "the best of the best", belonging to a man who would be considered a bushido master, according to Professor Takagi (Robert Kino), a Japanese sword expert. When Yoshi comes to, Chris and Dr. Richards try to speak to him (without much luck) and then Chris gives him back his sword and clothes (a risky move that pays off). Chris begins to build a friendship with Yoshi, but he doesn't particularly care for Dr. Richards (he's a good judge of character). When a greedy guard tries to steal Yoshi's sword (it's worth a fortune), Yoshi kills him and escapes the facility (he gets his first taste of TV [a W.A.S.P. music video!] while passing the guard station and doesn't like what he sees) and faces the modern world for the first time. He is amazed at the sight of cars (he's smart enough to know to disable a car by puncturing the tires), the city skyline at night and saves an old man from a street gang led by Johnny Tooth (an unrecognizable Peter Liapis of GHOULIES), by slicing up his gang with the sword. The police, led by Detective Berger (Frank Schuller), investigates the murder of the guard (Berger calls it "A terminal mishap of major proportions") and pretty soon there are reports of a strangely-dressed man walking around town. Chris begins searching the street for Yoshi, fearing for his life, as Yoshi battles Johnny Tooth and the rest of his gang, who use motorcycles and guns with little effect. Chris finally catches up with Yoshi and tries to shield him from Dr. Richards (who wants to dissect him) and the police, but Richards kidnaps Yoshi and tries to kill him by injecting an air bubble in his heart. It doesn't work and Yoshi and Chris steal a horse with the police and Dr. Richards not far behind. The police capture Chris while Yoshi leads a police helicopter on a chase. After killing Dr. Richards, saving Chris and getting shot by Detective Berger, Yoshi plunges into a lake after telling Chris, "There are no second chances."  This film, a Charles Band production for his Empire Pictures outfit (which included such films as ZONE TROOPERS - 1985 and RE-ANIMATOR - 1985) and directed by J. Larry Carroll (his only directorial credit, although he did co-write the screenplays for TOURIST TRAP - 1979 and THE DAY TIME ENDED - 1980, other Charles Band productions), is a slow-moving, but never boring, fantasy fish-out-of-water tale. Yoshi's interaction with the modern world is never played for comic relief on his behalf, but rather as how an intelligent person would react to things that are unknown (one comical scene has two diners mistaken Yoshi for Toshiro Mifune when he walks into a Japanese restaurant!). There are bloody bits of violence whenever Yoshi uses his sword, as hands and other appendages are sliced up or open (both Johnny Tooth and Dr. Richards die memorable deaths). While this film was primarily made to cash in on the success of ICEMAN (1984), it has enough merit and heart to stand on it's own. It's a nice way to spend a laid-back 81 minutes that's punctuated by some unexpected moments of graphic violence and some racist dialogue (Johnny and his gang call Yoshi "nip", "slant eyes" and "bonzai", although I'm not sure if "bonzai" is a racist term). Originally made as SWORDKILL in 1984 and not released to home video until 1986. Also starring Charles Lampkin, Joan Foley, Bill Morey, Andy Wood and Larry Cedar. A Vestron Video Release. Rated R.

INVASION FROM INNER EARTH (1974) - Watching this Bill Rebane-directed dud is the ultimate test of patience. Once again, Rebane (using the pseudonym "Ito") delivers another film that goes nowhere, seems twice as long than it actually is and contains effects so cheap that it makes PLAN 9 look hi-tech in comparison. The basic premise is this: Five people are trapped in a cabin deep in the Manitoba, B.C. woods (actually Wisconson) while people all over the world are dying from a disease spread by an alien spacecraft using red lights and smoke. The five people bicker endlessly as they run out of food and get sporadic messages over their ham radio from an alien voice. One guy steals an airplane and it explodes on take-off. And then there were four. Another guy takes a snowmobile to get some help and is killed by the red lights. And then there were three. The final three (two guys and a girl) head out for civilization by foot, walking in the freezing snow looking for food and other signs of life. One of the guys is killed by the red lights as the remaining man and woman are turned into children (complete with loincloths!) by the aliens. The last shot is of the children walking hand-in-hand down a green field, the beginning of a new human race on a now-unoccupied Earth. Oh, brother! Relentlessly boring, this film begs for action, any type of action, to pop up unexpectedly. You'll get none of that here. What you do get is a non-stop talkfest and none of it is a least bit interesting. The only explanation given for the invasion is that Martians may have been living at the center of the Earth for the past 8,000 years and they're not happy with the way we're treating it. The special effects are laughable and consists of someone waving a red light around or setting off red smokebombs. The brief glimpses of the flying saucer reminds one of a modified hubcap. (To add insult to injury, the Genesis video box shows the Starship Enterprise from the STAR TREK series as the attacking alien ship!) The acting is amateurish, the sound (by H.G. Lewis regular Ray Sager) is tinny and the music (including stolen riffs from "The Good, The Bad And The Ugly") is atrocious. For more on badfilm director Rebane, see BLOOD HARVEST, THE GAME and THE DEMONS OF LUDLOW reviews. INVASION FROM INNER EARTH (aka THE SELECTED) is about as much fun as stepping on a rusty nail. And as painful, too. A Genesis Home Video Release. Not Rated, but nothing objectionable. Why bother? NOTE: Platinum Productions released this film under the title HELL FIRE in 1991. The description on the box would lead you to believe that it is actually a retitling of the 1987 film PRIMAL SCREAM but it is wrong. It also cuts out the entire finale of the film! It's a dupey picture and not worth your time or money. Avoid all versions at all costs!!!

MAD AT THE MOON (1992) - Some video stores will try to pass this off as a horror film. It's not. It is actually a tale of sexual repression and suppression in the Old West by director Martin Donovan of APARTMENT ZERO (1988), an unusual black comedy that won critical appraisal. Mary Stuart Masterson plays Mary, an opera-loving western gal, who accepts a marriage proposal from James (Stephen Blake) after being spurned by James' half-brother Miller (Hart Bochner), whom Mary really loves. Mary refuses to make love to James. As a matter of fact, she won't even let him touch her. One morning she discovers James boarding up the windows. He tells her to stay in the house, lock the door behind him and not to let him in no matter what he says or does. It seems James suffers from "moon sickness", a disease that causes him to go crazy like a wolf when the moon is full. When Mary experiences James' mental transformation (the physical transformation is minimal), she becomes terrified and moves back to town. Her mother (Fionnula Flanagan) strikes up a bargain with Miller: He is to stay with Mary at James' house that one day a month the moon is full to serve as her protector. This leads to much sexual tension between the three parties. The finale shows that the love of a good woman can cure what ails you. This is a slow-moving (it crawls sometimes), though atmospheric, period film. Donovan photographs the film using the natural light available, giving the film a realistic tone. The sexual angle is also realistic for the time period. Back then, it was a woman's place to stay with her husband no matter what the problem (If only my first wife followed that code!). It would have been unthinkable to get a divorce. A bullet in the head would have been a better choice (Now why didn't I think of that?). Hart Bochner can also be seen in Donovan's APARTMENT ZERO as well as TERROR TRAIN (1980) and SUPERGIRL (1984). Cec Verrell of Cirio Santiago's SILK (1986) and EYE OF THE EAGLE (1987) plays a barroom prostitute here. Daphne Zuniga (THE FLY 2) has a cameo role as James' mother during the black and white flashback sequences. MAD AT THE MOON is a well made film but it is not to everyone's taste. A Republic Pictures Home Video Release. Rated R.

THE MINES OF KILIMANJARO (1986) - Another Italian knock-off of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, also set during the rise of the Nazi empire. When Professor Thomas Smith (a badly-dubbed Christopher Connelly) is murdered by a blond-haired German with a gun hidden in a cane, it leads the Professor's associate, Dr. Ed Barkley (Tobias Hoesl), on a trip halfway around the world to Africa, where he searches for "The Secret of Africa", a hidden area on Mt. Kilimanjaro filled with diamonds that is guarded by a tribe of headhunters. While in Mombasa, Dr. Barkley is kidnapped by Chinese crimelord Ti-Ling, who threatens him with torture (he watches as Ti-Ling's men force feed a prisoner live mice through a funnel) if he doesn't reveal the location of the diamonds. Dr. Barkley is saved from certain doom by Dutchman Rolf (Gordon Mitchell) and agrees to lead a safari through the jungles of Africa to look for the diamonds. Along on the safari is Eva Kilbrook (Elena Pompei), who seems to be looking for more than the diamonds. After some badly-edited stock footage of African wildlife (it's very obvious, as the film stocks don't match), the group camps out for the night and someone tries to kill Dr. Barkley, but fails. They do manage to kill all the porters and guides, though, as Dr. Barkley and Eva are captured by the Leopard Men, a tribe of cannibals. They eventually escape and, for some unknown reason (to me, anyway), Rolf and Ti-Ling join forces and are looking for Dr. Barkley, but manage to miss him at nearly every turn. The blond-haired Nazi is also on the trail, keeping an eye on the action at a safe distance (he obviously knows something we don't know). Dr. Barkley (who is wounded by a poison arrow) and Eva are then rescued by a group of black-robed monks who have a photograph that was taken in 1917. It shows that the late Prof. Smith was once a German soldier who ventured to the Secret of Africa and actually found it. Now, Dr. Barkley and Eva will retrace Prof. Smith's steps to Mt. Kilimanjaro. They meet an all-female tribe, headed by The Empress (Francesca Ferre), who wants Dr. Barkley's seed so they can replenish the tribe. More hijinks and deaths follow to the unexciting conclusion.  Highly racist to the extreme (the Chinese are portrayed by white actors who say "ahh-so!" and can't pronounce their "r"s) as well as offensive to all of Africa (all blacks are portrayed as cowards or bloodthirsty cannibals), director/screenwriter Mino Guerrini (THE THIRD EYE - 1966) can't seem to make up his mind if he wants to make an adventure film like RAIDERS or a gore film in the vein of CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST. While there is gore present (a hand chopped off, arrow piercings, a bat impaled on a hook), it's apparent some of the more extreme gore has been edited out, such as when the Leopard Men draw-and-quarter a fellow native or when Ti-Ling force feeds a prisoner live mice. The dubbing is also highly dubious (only Gordon Mitchell seems to have redubbed his own voice) and there's some glaring mistakes in the timeline, such as when a 1980's Land Rover can be spotted in what is supposed to be 1930's Africa. None of it is the least bit exciting (it's all rather statically filmed) and the reveal in the finale (the Nazis have occupied The Secret of Africa for the past 15 years and have been mining the diamonds to finance the Nazi cause) is one of the lamest surprises I have ever witnessed. German TV star Tobias Hoesl makes a bland and emotionless hero (He's no Harrison Ford. Hell, he's no David Warbeck!) and there's no nudity, not even any topless natives. What's an African adventure without topless natives? Save your money and time for a real adventure. Also known as AFRIKANTER. Also starring Al Cliver, Matteo Corsini, Josette Martial, Kit Dickinson and Peter Berling. An Imperial Entertainment Corp. Home Video Release. Not Rated.

THE RAIDERS OF ATLANTIS (1983) - Confusing Italian nonsense, originally titled THE ATLANTIS INTERCEPTORS and also known as ATLANTIS INFERNO, LES PREDATEURS DU FUTUR and THE LAST WARRIORS, from Ruggero Deodato, the director of the gut-munching classic CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST (1979). Two mercenaries (the late Chris Connelly and Tony King) rescue a band of scientists from a floating platform hit by a tidal wave in the Pacific ocean. It seems the scientists were trying to raise a sunken Soviet nuclear submarine which is resting on what was the lost continent of Atlantis. Somehow, the sub's nuclear missiles have reanimated the populous of Atlantis, causing the island to resurface (complete with a bubble dome) with the inhabitants thirsty to kill any humans they come in contact with. Connelly and the group try to stay one step ahead of the Atlantidians, occaisonally meeting them head-to-head for some bloody contact. Eventually, Connelly and the group make it to the formerly submerged island and try to disarm the missiles. They also try to free a captured scientist (Marie Fields) who knows the secrets of making Atlantis the ruler of the world. They succeed and Atlantis once again sinks to the depths of the ocean. Accomplishing this feat has cost many lives. Who will survive? This filmed in the Philippines fantasy/actioner boasts some over-the-top effects (including a decapitation by electrical wire and an arrow in the mouth) and nice scenery, but the storyline is so confusing (especially in the finale) that you'll be scratching your head wondering what the hell it's all about. Another problem is the tendency to introduce new characters throughout the film just to have them killed off a few minutes later. Director Ruggero Deodato shows a sure hand in filming the action sequences but fumbles when it comes to the scenes that are strictly dialogue. The Italian screenwriters have a way of writing dialogue that murders the English language, especially when it comes to writing "hip" dialogue for black characters. Watch Lamberto Bava's DEMONS and other Italian genre films from the 80's to get a feel of what I mean. The black characters sound as if they stepped off a spaceship from some distant galaxy after they studied transmissions from some of the Amos 'n Andy radio and television broadcasts of the 40's & 50's. Uttering  such lines as "We best be finding a way to get outta here" and "Get your watermelon-smellin' puss outta my face" sets back the African-American progress nearly one hundred years. Yes, it is funny. But you have to remember that it was written to be spoken seriously and believably. This has always bothered me, even if I am not black. Oh, well. THE RAIDERS OF ATLANTIS plays like a modern-day version of the countless Italian MAD MAX rip offs. If you like those, you'll probably like this one. A Prism Entertainment Release. Not Rated.

RAPE (1976) - Badly dubbed Spanish supernatural tale. Frenchman Frank (Gil Vidal) and Spanish Roger (Rick Joss) decide to investigate the mysterious death of their friend Gene. They travel to a small Spanish town where they learn that Gene was seeing a girl named Maria (the single-monikered Nadiuska), whom the townspeople chased out of town for being a witch. Frank and Roger (who are amateur parapsychologists) go to Maria's deserted house and discover ancient Aztec symbols on the walls (they cannot be seen with the naked eye and can only be viewed when photographed) and record voices on tape that weren't heard originally. They finally locate Maria living in a mountain cabin with her father (director M.I. Bonns, using his first two names Miquel Iglesias). There they learn that Maria has strange supernatural powers. When her drunken father tries to rape her, windows mysteriously break and objects fly around. Maria cures a young boy's gangriene-infected leg. She has visions of Spanish Conquistadors. While under hypnosis, we learn that Maria is possessed by the Princess of Moctezuma, an ancient Aztec ruler whose people were slaughtered by the Conquistadors. The Princess was taken captive and fell in love with one of her captors. Maria's father goes crazy and burns down the cabin with himself and Maria in it. Frank and Roger find Maria's dead, but unburnt, body among the cinders. On their flight back to France, Frank and Roger discover that all their evidence has been erased. The photos and tapes have gone blank. Suddenly, they are approached by a stewardess who bears a striking resemblance to Maria. The End. Huh? Apparently something was lost in the translation. The only point of seeing this film, originally titled DESNUDA INQUIETUD ("Naked Restlessness"), is the disrobing of star Nadiuska. The rest of the film is a confusing mix of supernatural mumbo-jumbo, love story and flashbacks. Director M.I. Bonns also made the Paul Naschy werewolf film NIGHT OF THE HOWLING BEAST (1975 - aka THE WEREWOLF AND THE YETI and HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING), KILMA, QUEEN OF THE AMAZONS (1975) and others. Any one of these will give you more pleasure than RAPE. You'll feel raped if you expect a satisfying conclusion to this film. A Mogul Video Release. Not Rated.

SHE (1983) - In this comical post-nuke adventure (set in the Year 23, After the Cancellation), merchants Tom (David Goss of HOLLYWOOD COP) and Dick (Harrison Muller) go on many adventures searching for Tom's sister Hari (Elena Wiedermann) after she is kidnapped by the evil Hector (Gordon Mitchell) and his band of mutants, known as the Norks. The only person who can help Tom and Dick locate the Nork village is man-hater She (Sandahl Bergman), the leader of an all-female tribe. She thinks men are only good for two things: Sex and fighting to the death. Men who meet her in either method always end up dead. She has sex with men and immediately kills them once she has had her way with them. She also goes through a yearly ritual where she fights a series of men (even a Frankenstein monster whose head explodes when she bites off one of his neck bolts!) and then takes a nude bath in a regeneration pool to heal her wounds. Prophecy says she will give up her man-hating ways when she falls in love with a man that will change her life. Tom and Dick kidnap She to help them locate Tom's sister, but immediately run into trouble when they are captured by chainsaw-wielding mutant mummies led by Kram (Cyrus Elias). They are tossed into a giant trash compactor, but are saved by She's all-female army. Surprisingly, She let's Tom and Dick go on their way but secretly follows close behind. She ends up saving Tom and Dick's ass when they run into a tribe of mutant vampires dressed as Romans during the time of Caesar (they wear cheap dimestore fangs and listen to 50's Doo-Wop music!). Next, She, her second in command Shandra (Quin Kessler), Tom and Dick feel the wrath of Godan (Gregory Snegoff), the telekenetic leader of a group of axe-carrying monks, who whip She and Shandra before Tom and Dick save them from certain deaths (including a painful body-stretching for Shandra [Dick says to her, "You look taller!"] and a psychic rape for She). Our fearless foursome next trek through a forest that emits a toxic fog and She, Shandra and Dick are taken prisoner by mad scientist Rabel (Donald Hodson) and his pink tu-tu wearing brute henchman Rudolph (Mario Pedone). They all manage to escape, make it to the Nork village and rescue Tom's sister, but another problem arises: If they don't take a stand now, the Norks will attack and wipe out She's people. They wait for the Norks on a bridge and hope to hold-off the Norks long enough until Shandra returns with reinforcements.  This goofy, off-the-wall fantasy adventure was directed and scripted by Israeli director Avi Nesher (TIMEBOMB - 1991; DOPPELGANGER - 1992) with his tongue firmly planted in cheek. Half the fun of watching this film is spotting the frequent sight gags on view. I especially enjoyed Tom's run-in with movie-quoting Xenon (David Traylor) on a bridge that leads to the Nork village. Xenon is so annoying, Tom chops him into pieces, but each piece turns into a separate Xenon and soon Tom is fighting a dozen Xenons (who, at one point, form a chorus line and high-step like the Rockettes!). There are many more visual treats on view (check out what's written on the boxes and crates during She's fighting ritual and pay close attention to the costumes the Norks wear) as well as imaginative (and funny) set pieces, including Godan's psychokinetic fighting ability, Hector's "Anyone wish to withdraw" speech and the Nork gladiator match in the finale. There's surprisingly very little nudity (just Sandahl Bergman's topless dip in the regeneration pool) and not much blood, although there is plenty of violence, including impalements, dry dismemberments (one arm-yanking scene is played strictly for laughs) and explosions. Rather than having a pat, "Happily ever after" ending, director Nesher chose to end it on a bittersweet note, which is truly refreshing. This is a fun, campy time for those looking for something a little off the beaten path. It's like THE WIZARD OF OZ on crack and has nothing to do with H. Rider Haggard's novel of the same name (even though it get an "Inspired By" credit), which has been made into several films over the years. Rick Wakeman (THE BURNING - 1980) composed the inventive music score and Avi Nesher also co-wrote most of the original songs. Eduard Sarlui and Helen Sarlui-Tucker (MONSTER DOG - 1985) were the Executive Producers. Also starring David Brandon, Andrew McLeay, Mary D'Antin and Laurie Sherman. A Lightning Video Release. Not Rated.

SPIRIT OF '76 (1990) - Adam 11 (David Cassidy), Chanel 6 (Olivia d'Abo) and Heinz 57 (Geoff Hoyle) leave magnetic storm-ravaged Earth in the year 2176 in a time machine to travel back to 1776 in hope of finding the Constitution of the United States in order to restore heritage in their future society. A glitch in the time machine transports them instead to 1976 and the fun begins. Our trio is adopted by two teenage hippies (Jeffrey and Steve MacDonald of the music group Red Kross) and they are introduced to bell-bottom pants, Grand Funk Railroad, 8 track players, drug culture (with an assist from Tommy Chong), mood rings, an EST seminar (leader Rob Reiner calls everyone "assholes"), disco dancing, Pop Rocks and the fuzz. This low-budget inventive comedy looks back affectionately at the worst the 1970's had to offer. Parents gleam as they show their son the new AMC Pacer they just purchased. A Ford Pinto is tapped on the back bumper by a police car and explodes. . The line at the gas station stretches on for blocks. You get the picture. If all this sounds familiar, it's because deep within your subconscious you remember living it (if you're old enough). Being a teenager myself in the 70's, this film evokes many latent memories I'd rather forget, but since this is such a good-hearted film, I'll forgive them. Needless to say, the future will never be the same once the trio get back. Director Lucar Reiner (Rob Reiner's brother and Carl Reiner's son) works with an extremely low budget and does a good job of maintaining interest. Sprinkled throughout with the lamest music of the 70's ("Kung Fu Fighting", "Afternoon Delight", etc) and some good in-jokes (Cassidy discovers a Partridge Family lunchbox). A good, and different, addition to the time travel genre. Stay tuned after the end credits for a blooper reel. Cameo appearances by Devo, Carl Reiner, Julie Brown (as a politically correct stripper), Moon Zappa and Don Novello. A Columbia Pictures Home Video Release. Rated PG-13.

STAR KNIGHT (1986) - Odd Spanish fantasy/comedy. During the 14th Century, an alien, called IX (Miguel Bose), lands his spaceship and kidnaps a princess (Maria Lamor). Everyone thinks the spaceship is a dragon, except the alchemist (a badly dubbed Klaus Kinski), who is searching for the formula of "liquid gold", a potion that brings immortality. IX and the princess fall in love but the only problem is they can never touch because he needs to wear his high tech spacesuit at all times to stay alive. He cannot breathe in our atmosphere. IX gives Kinski a magical crystal ball which helps him in discovering the immortality formula (it comes in handy later). Kinski (in a rare good guy role) is opposed by the cardinal of the castle (Fernando Rey), who sees everything that Kinski does as the Devil's work. He destroys Kinski's lab (including the ball) just after Kinski saves a small amount of the potion. IX is opposed by a fumbling would-be knight (Harvey Keitel, whose presence seems out of place spouting ancient dialogue with his Brooklyn accent) who wants IX's spacesuit (he sees it as the ultimate armour) and seeks the princess' hand in marriage. It all leads to a final confrontation (a jousting match) where almost everyone lives happily ever after. There is much to dislike here (Kinski's dubbing, Keitel's performance, the stilted dialogue) but the overall good humored way the story is told finally won me over. Rey does a good comic turn with his role, blaming all the ills of the world on the Devil. Kinski turns in a rare restrained performance as the alchemist with a heart of gold. The cinematography is lush and the music score is above par. STAR KNIGHT is nothing excellent, but it does prove to be a fairly effective time waster. A Vidmark Entertainment Release. Rated PG-13.

TEMPLE OF THE THOUSAND LIGHTS (1965) - Here's an early fantasy/adventure film from gaillo and horror film maestro Umberto Lenzi that shows hints of his future involvement in the jungle/cannibal genre. When gambler and adventurer Alan Foster (Richard Harrison) loses $250,000 to Rajah Sindar (Daniele Vargas) in a poker game, he flees the palace and roams India (actually filmed in Malaysia) looking for a way to repay the debt (or skip out on paying it). In his travels, he befriends a fakir named Sitama (Wilbert Bradley), who can make a rope travel up to the sky and perform other magic tricks. After Sitama darkens-up Alan's skin (to make him blend in), they devise a plan to steal the "Mountain Of Light", a 200 carat diamond embedded in the head of a giant statue in the heavily guarded Temple Of The Thousand Lights. Together, with Alan's ingenuity and Sitama's magical powers, they proceed to steal the diamond. Along the way, they have to deal with a pack of hungry rats, a pool of ravenous alligators and a couple of other close calls. Once they get their hands on the diamond, Alan and Sitama must avoid the deadly grip of the devious Rajah Sindar and his palace guards. They must contend with deadly tigers, jungle booby traps, poisonous snakes and a double-cross before the film ends. In the finale, Alan discovers he was set-up from the beginning and must face one more death-defying trap before he can put everything right (he breaks the fourth wall and talks directly to the audience in the humorous finale).  This is a fairly innocent mid-60's Italian fantasy adventure in the vein of KING SOLOMON'S MINES (1950). While very low on blood and gore, there are plenty of fist fights, gun battles and funny dialogue ("Your stench keeps me from concentrating"; "By Sheba, he's escaped us!"; "Do you want to denounce me? I won't hold it against you.") to keep you fairly entertained. Most of the "Indians" are portrayed by Italian actors with dark makeup on their faces (but not on the rest of their body!) and the Malaysian locales are very colorful.  Richard Harrison, who would much later make a career out of appearing in Indonesian and Hong Kong action flicks (RESCUE TEAM - 1981, etc.), looks ridiculously young and fit here and seems to be enjoying himself. This hard-to-find film (which used to play on U.S. TV under the title JUNGLE ADVENTURER) is a good bet for Lenzi enthusiasts and those interested in seeing where RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK may have gotten some inspiration. As with many foreign films of the 60's, Richard McNamara is listed as the director of the English Language Version. Let's just say that the dubbing is dubious at best. Also starring Luciana Gilli, Nerio Bernardi, Andrea Scotti and Nazzareno Zamperla. Not legally available on DVD or VHS in the U.S. (as of this writing), the version I saw was ripped from an English-language Venezuelan VHS tape with Spanish subtitles. Not Rated.

THE WARRIOR (1981) - I don't pretend to know squat about Indonesian history, but I sincerely doubt that this highly entertaining fantasy flick could be viewed as a docudrama. During the latter part of the 19th Century, the tyrannical Dutch rulers capture Indonesian rebel (and hero) Jaka Sembung (Barry Prima) and put him in a labor camp. He escapes after a revolt (where the prison guards slaughter half of the inmates) and the Dutch government puts a bounty on his head. The first bounty hunter to show up is Kobar, a bald-headed bear of a man whose skin is impervious to bullets and knives (he can also breathe fire!). After proving his worth to Dutch officer Mr. Van Shram (by twisting the neck of an ox, killing it!), Kobar tracks down Jaka and they fight. Jaka quickly kills Kobar by shoving a bamboo pole through his mouth until it protrudes out the back of his head (fire shoots out of the pole!). Mr. Van Shram is pissed and the next person to offer to kill Jaka is "an expert in voodoo" (a ridiculously-thin man with teeth so big, he can't close his mouth), who levitates a soldier to prove his power. He resurrects Ki Item (W.D. Mochtar) from the dead after rejoining Ki Item's body with his missing head (a sequence not to be missed). As the Dutch soldiers begin killing innocent villagers in their search for Jaka (including putting a gun to a little boy's head), Jaka comes to their rescue and battles powerful sorcerer Ki Item. Jaka loses the battle and is captured by the soldiers, who parade his bloody, beaten body through the town. Jaka is crucified in a dungeon (spikes are driven through his hands) in front of the other prisoners. Jaka's girlfriend, Serti (Eva Arnaz), leads a revolt as Van Shram's daughter Maria (Dana Christina) tries to free Jaka in the dungeon, but her father catches her. He slaps her around and pokes out both of Jaka's eyes with a spike (quite graphically). Serti is also captured and put in the dungeon, where the eyeless Jaka prays to Allah and then pulls the spikes out of his hands with his teeth. The now-seemingly superhuman Jaka knocks down the dungeon walls and bars with his bare hands (Ah, the power of prayer!), but Ki Item turns him into a pig (!) and Serti is shot in the back. To give away any more would be depriving you of a truly twisted tale of faith and devotion. Let's just say it involves eye transplants, flying heads and a fierce battle between two sorcerers. "Don't let him touch the ground!"  This film, directed by Indonesian stalwart Sisworo Gautama Putra (PRIMITIVES - 1978), is non-stop madness from beginning to end and was so popular in it's native country, it spawned several sequels, all starring Barry Prima as Jaka Sembung. Highly critical of the Dutch government (which is funny, because I watched this on a dub taken from a Dutch-subtitled VHS tape) and gory as hell, THE WARRIOR is must-viewing for all weird film lovers. Mixing true-life historical events with way-out fantasy elements, this film never slows down and is never boring, even if it does hit you over the head repeatedly with the "Allah is great!" religious message. While the Dutch and Dutch sympathizers are portrayed as evil incarnate (One Dutch sympathizer describes Jaka by saying, "He's lower than scum!") and the villagers as the poor, downtrodden victims, there's enough crazy dialogue ("What's it like being pig for a day?") and bloody carnage (eye gougings, impalements, floating heads, bloody stumps, leaves used as weapons and Jaka's unbelievable final battle with Ki Item) to get your mind off the ridiculousness of it all. There's really no martial arts involved until the finale, where the villagers take matters into their own hands and attack the Dutch stronghold (lots of stabbings and spurting blood) and Jaka goes one-on-one with Van Shram. As with most Indonesian flicks, there's also out-of-place comedy relief (Here, it's a retarded villager who, at one point says, "Hey, look at me! I'm a monkey!", but even he dies in the finale). Put this on your must-own list. American history was never this entertaining. Gope T. Samtani, who directed the war action film HELL RAIDERS (1985, starring many of the same actors as here), produced this. Also starring Dicky Zulkarnaen, Rukman Herman, Dorman Borisman, I.M. Damsyik Parya, Syamsuddin Sjafei, S. Suryabrata and "A Cast Of Thousands". The next film in the series was THE WARRIOR 2 (1983), also known as THE WARRIOR AGAINST THE BLIND SWORDSMAN. Available from many grey market sellers, including Nightcrew Video. Not Rated.

THE WARRIOR 2 (1983) - This sequel to the amazing THE WARRIOR (1981) is not as good as the original (what is?), but is still a rip-roaring good time. The film opens (ca. the late 19th Century) with a Dutch garrison bombarding an Indonesian village with cannon fire. As the soldiers move in to slaughter the villagers, hometown rebel (and hero) Jaka Sembung (Barry Prima) and his men show up and kill all the soldiers except for one, who they riddle with arrows and send back to Dutch headquarters as a warning. Listening to all this on a hilltop ia blind swordsman Si Buta (Advent Bangun), who comments (in voiceover) that death is a sound he's heard often. When the seriously-injured soldier makes his way to headquarters, it pisses-off his Dutch superiors, who hold a grand tournament to find the best fighter to defeat Jaka. At the tournament, where a series of strongmen fight each other (one has a tree stump broken over his head; another bites the ear off his opponent), Si Buta shows up and defeats the winner to become Jaka's hunter. Si Buta agrees to lead a group of Dutch soldiers in their quest to kill Jaka in return for a chest of gold. Si Buta is helped by witch Maki (who likes to hang out in trees), who tells him every so often that "Jaka is near". When Si Buta and Jaka meet a short time later, they get into a fight and Si Buta cut's off Jaka's head and takes it as proof of his death. Si Buta brings Jaka's head back to Dutch headquarters, where evil Captain Rakoni orders the head to be displayed on a pole in the town square. The Captain also orders his men to follow and kill Si Buta and bring back the gold. Si Buta manages to kill all the soldiers following him, but is mortally wounded by a gunshot (he removes the bullet with his combination cane/sword). Maki heals him, but when she makes love to him and offers to have his baby (as well as immortality), he rebuffs her, which really pisses her off. Maki begins shooting fireballs out of her palms and jumps up and down on Si Buta's chest, but he is saved by Jaka. It turns out that Si Buta never killed Jaka at all, as he was only fighting an "illusion" and the head hanging in the town square turns out to be that of a jackass! To show his appreciation to Jaka for saving his life, Si Buka gives all his gold to the village people. All is not well, though, as Maki has now aligned herself with the Dutch. She offers to help Captain Rakoni kill Jaka and Si Buta using her powers of sorcery (including invisibility) in exchange for the safety of her village of all-female warriors. When Maki kidnaps a child with magical powers from Jaka's village, Jaka and Si Buta join forces to save the child. Just when everything seems hunky-dory, the damn Dutch show up with their cannons again. Oh boy!  While basically nothing more than a remake of THE WARRIOR (with more fantasy elements and a lot less religious subtext than the original), THE WARRIOR 2, also known as THE WARRIOR AGAINST THE BLIND SWORDSMAN, contains a lot of gory scenes (heads flying through the air, too many impalements to count and many other bloody moments) and even some sex and nudity this time around. As with most Indonesian films, the Dutch are portrayed as back-stabbing evil bastards who can't be trusted to keep their word (I never did trust the Dutch, with their vowel-heavy language and words that contain way too many "J"'s and "V"'s!) and the Indonesian people, no matter how evil they are, can find redemption (as both Si Buta and Maki do here). There are many fantasy scenes to be found here and the highlight is Maki's healing at the hands of "The Dark Master" in his underground lair, who may very well be the Devil himself (he has a long furry tail that he uses to strangle people!). The film has precious little to do with the title character (Barry Prima has very little screen time until the finale) and more to do with Si Buta (who would soon get a film series of his own) and Maki. The script (by Darto Joned, who also wrote the script for the first film as well as dozens of others) seems to head in a different direction every 30 minutes, The first part deals with Si Buta's pursuit of Jaka, the middle about Maki's and Si Buta's relationship and the final 30 minutes brings all three characters together with the child kidnapping. Director Dasri Jacob (listed here as "Dasri Yacob") has directed many Indonesian films, but I believe this is his only one that was dubbed into English. This film is all nonsense, mind you, but it is entertaining nonsense. The next film in the series was THE WARRIOR AND THE NINJA (1985). Also starring W.D. Mochtar, Rukman Herman, Sri Gudhy Sintara, Yos Santos, Hera Helmy and the incredibly-monikered Moosdyk. The print I viewed was a dub taken from a Dutch-subtitled VHS tape on the VUH Video Holland label. Not Rated. Watch out for the exploding bodies!

THE WICKSBORO INCIDENT (2001) - There are many imitations of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT and, while most of them suck, this one is a horse of a different color: a shot-on-video science fiction pseudo-documentary that actually works. The back story concerns a top secret experiment gone horribly wrong in Wicksboro, Texas in 1953 causing the entire population of the town to disappear (actually disintegrate). Lloyd (Bobby Harwell, also Executive Producer), a scientist working on the project, survives the accident thanks to his laboratory being an underground bomb shelter. He hightails it out of Wicksboro and gets himself lost in Los Angeles. 45 years later, he hires two documentary filmmakers (Dan Brinkle and Kyle Nudd) to help him uncover the mystery and to help him avenge the death of his sister and every person remotely connected to anyone who lived in Wicksboro. Lloyd is convinced that aliens are populating the Earth and has created a device that can detect aliens from humans. A green light means the person is human. A red light means the person is an alien. Lloyd brings the device out to the streets where we learn (in a humorous fashion) that half of the people walking the streets are alien. The filmmakers are somewhat dubious of Lloyd and his device since they know that he is an alcoholic and prone to exaggeration. They also cannot find Wicksboro on any map of Texas, so they must trust Lloyd to help them find some evidence that Wicksboro actually existed. This leads the trio on a road trip to Texas to find the town. Everything looks hopeless as it seems Wicksboro has been wiped off the face of the Earth. They are about to head back to Los Angeles when Lloyd begs for one last chance to look for his underground bomb shelter using a metal coat hanger as a divining rod! To everyone's surprise, it works, as they find the bomb shelter and all the evidence that proves Lloyd's entire story is true. Trouble begins when they realize that they are being followed by a helicopter, an unmarked car and some of the mysterious faceless Men In Black (who are alien according to Lloyd's device). It's a race back to Los Angeles to turn in the video evidence to the TV News before they are killed by the mysterious invaders (whom we are never given a clear vision of). It is not a happy ending. Director/Producer/Screenwriter Richard Lowry (HAWK JONES - 1986; JESSICA: A GHOST STORY - 1992; DESTINATION MARS - 2002) proves that you don't need a lot of money to make a damned-good film as long as you have a good story and decent actors. There are at least a half dozen really good scares and goosebump-inducing scenes that actually make you jump and Lloyd's fate is a real shock to the system. There are also plenty of humorous moments, such as when Lloyd walks out of a liquor store with an armfull of cheap wine that he's proud to announce that he has paid a buck a bottle for and his off-the-wall riff on why THE X-FILES was created to provide disinformation to the viewing public! Many first-time viewers may view this film as a real documentary (as long as they don't read the DVD packaging). That's a real compliment to Richard Lowry's craft. I can't wait to see his next films: THE LOOKING GLASS (A real interesting-looking film produced by and starring Michael Pataki) and SINISTER (both 2003). For more on Richard Lowry, click HERE. A Vanguard Cinema DVD Release. Not Rated.

ZONE TROOPERS (1985) - Interesting hybrid from executive producer Charles Band's Empire Pictures (which would make RE-ANIMATOR the same year) that mixes World War II action with sci-fi elements, with enjoyable results. It's 1944 and a squad of American soldiers stationed in the middle of nowhere in the Italian forest are ambushed by a platoon of Nazis. After the fighting is through, all that remains on the American side are Sgt. Stone (Tim Thomerson), Mittens (Art La Fleur), PFC Joey Verona (Timothy Van Patten) and Charlie Dolan (Biff Manard), a civilian newspaper reporter. As they are being chased further behind enemy lines by the Krauts, it becomes obvious that they are not alone in the woods. With their compass acting screwy and unexpectedly being saved by a mysterious beam of light that obliterates a tree that nearly falls on them, the Americans discover a secret German SS camp in the middle of the forest. Just what are the SS doing there? Apparently, the SS is there investigating the crash of an alien spaceship. Sgt Stone and Joey find the crashed ship and go inside, while Mittens and Charlie are captured by the Germans. While in the ship, Stone and Joey find the body of a dead alien and escape from the ship just before the Germans surround it. Stone and Joey destroy the ship (by throwing a grenade in it's tailpipe!) and move on to save Mittens and Charlie, who are being tortured by the Krauts. The SS have also captured the surviving alien (makeup effects by John Carl Buechler), who eventually joins forces with the Americans when Hitler arrives to view his new prize (Mittens even gets a cheap shot in, giving Der Fuhrer a bloody nose!). The four Americans steal the truck containing the caged alien (who saves their hides by putting a force field around the truck) and the five of them hide out in a mausoleum for the night where Joey (who's a big sci-fi freak) and the alien bond (it likes to eat cigarettes!). The alien gives Joey a device where whatever he thinks becomes real, so he thinks of a beautiful woman. She materializes, but Mittens breaks the device and she disappears. The next morning, a rescue ship appears and whisks the alien (who we find out is female) away, but not before Joey is killed by a German tank shell. As the Germans close in on Stone, Mittens and Charlie, the aliens save the day and kill the remaining Germans with their ray guns. Since their story would never be believed by the public, Charlie ends up writing it for Joey's favorite sci-fi pulp magazine. A fitting tribute.  This good-natured tale is basically a low-budget take-off on E.T.: THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL (1982), but it's off-beat charms and unusual setting more than make up for it's deficits (including some bad optical effects in the finale). Director Danny Bilson (THE WRONG GUYS - 1988, using all the stars in this film), who also co-wrote the script with producer Paul De Meo, tosses in enough verbal and visual charm, especially in the dialogue between the four Americans, the make the entire film a treat for fans of the unusual. The only violence in this film is the constant gunplay (lots of squibs with little blood) and Mittens' beating at the hands of a German interrogator. The rest of the film is pure fantasy, especially the subplot about Sgt. Stone, who earned the nickname "The Iron Sarge" for his uncanny ability to survive when most would die. After witnessing him being shot point-blank and surviving a direct grenade hit and coming out of both of them without a scratch, you'll be wondering if he, too, is also an alien. The entire cast of excellent character actors do a nice job here, even Timothy Van Patten, who would eventually put acting on the back burner and become an Emmy Award-winning director of episodic television, as can be seen in his great work on THE SOPRANOS. This is a one-of-a-kind film that should please fantasy fans. Also starring Peter Bloom, Max Turilli and William Paulson as the alien. A Lightning Video Release. Rated PG.