DAGON (2001) - This is a welcome return to H.P. Lovecraft territory by director Stuart Gordon and screenwriter Dennis Paoli, both responsible for the classic RE-ANIMATOR (1985) and the near-classic FROM BEYOND (1986). After their boat crashes on some rocks during a sudden storm, Paul (Ezra Gordon) and girlfriend Barbara (Raquel Merono) manage to make it by raft to the tiny fishing village of Imboca. Paul charters a fishing boat to go back to his boat to rescue his friends while Barbara goes off with the local priest to get the police. When Paul gets to his boat, he finds his friends missing and when he gets back to shore he finds that Barbara has also gone missing. The residents of Imboca start pursuing Paul as he starts to realize that these are not normal people. They are a misshapen, deformed lot, with tentacles for hands, gills on their necks and sunken, bulging eyes. While Paul is hiding from these mutants, he meets the town drunk (Francisco Rabal in his final performance), the last human resident alive in Imboca. He tells Paul the story of how this town became this way: When he was a boy, the town was going through tough times. There were no fish to be caught and the people were getting desperate. The people rejected God and began worshipping Dagon, an undersea creature/deity who promises them gold in return for their obedience and faith. Soon, the fishing nets are bringing up gold artifacts and the people are happy (and rich). But this type of happiness comes with a price. Dagon begins demanding human sacrifices and the people start mutating into what Paul sees today. It seems Barbara has been chosen to be Dagon's bride and bear his children. Paul tries to stop this from happening and also must deal with the strange feeling that he's been here before (he has recurring dreams about swimming underwater into a strange symbol-filled cavern). This film has a dream-like quality which you don't find in most horror films. The constant rain and weird set pieces make this film seem like one long fever dream, but without the lapses in logic. Stuart Gordon is masterful here, slowly pulling you into his world, not giving away too much information until you need to know it. The town of Imboca is the main star here, with its' dark cobblestone streets, dank rain-soaked houses and total lack of humanity. The hotel is not fit for human occupancy as Paul soon finds out when he first steps into town. Things go downhill very quickly for him soon after. I know what you're thinking: "What about the blood?" I'm glad to report that there's plenty on hand here, some pushing the boundries of its' R rating. Francisco Rabal's skinning alive is particularly cringe-inducing as is the shocking death of Barbara (sorry, spoiler!) and other surprise bits, including the unmasking of some of the mutants (including the High Priestess, played by Macarena Gomez, who has a thing for Paul). DAGON is a highly atmospheric tale which should be viewed by anyone with a taste for horror and the perverse. This Spanish-lensed film also stars Brendan Price, Birgit Bofarull, Ferran Lahoz, Alfredo Villa and Uxia Blanco. Producers Brian Yuzna and Julio Fernandez's Fantastic Factory have also released FAUST (2000) and ARACHNID (2001) with more to follow in the coming years. A Lions Gate Home Entertainment Release. Rated R. If you're in the mood for an alternate take on the same subject matter, you could try director Peter Svatek's interesting, but highly flawed BLEEDERS (1996 - aka HEMOGLOBIN).

DANCE OF THE DEAD (2008) - Oh dear lord, another zombie comedy? What hath SHAUN OF THE DEAD wrought? Thankfully, this is one of the best (if not the best) in the wake of zombie comedies that came after SHAUN's success. A cemetery near a nuclear power plant spawns an army of the walking dead, just in time for the Hawaiian Hula Prom at Cosa High School. Before that happens, though, we are introduced to the students and faculty of the high school, including: Jimmy (Jared Kusnitz; DOLL GRAVEYARD - 2005), the class joker who never takes anything seriously, which leads to the breakup with his girlfriend Lindsey (Greyson Chadwick) hours before the prom; Steven (Chandler Darby), the leader of the Sci-Fi Club who never goes anywhere without a video camera attached to his face; Gwen (Carissa Capobianco), the head cheerleader that Steven has a crush on; Nash Rambler (Blair Redford), the lead guitarist in a lousy punk band; and Kyle Grubbin (Justin Welborn; THE SIGNAL - 2007), a multi-body pierced hothead with a thing for JACKASS-styled stunts. When the dead begin to rise from their graves (they don't just rise, they leap out of their graves in a well-handled and visually exciting sequence) and eat Gwen's new boyfriend as they are necking in the cemetery and chowing-down on a member of the Sci-Fi Club when they are filming an amateur horror video, Jimmy teams with Kyle and Gwen and make their way to Lindsey and Steven, who escape the graveyard and hole-up with the remainder of the geeky Sci-Fi Club. Along the way, Jimmy discovers that the nuclear power plant has been illegally dumping waste in the sewers, which is causing everything dead to come back to life (including a dissected frog in Biology class, which jumps down the throat of cruel teacher Mr. Hammond [Jonathan Spencer], turning him into a zombie). When Jimmy and the gang get to the house that Lindsey is hiding in, they discover that it is actually a funeral home, which makes everyone's lives a little bit harder, as they not only have to fend-off the zombies outside, they must also contend with the dead customers inside. Kyle becomes the first victim, bitten on the neck and turning into a zombie, forcing Jimmy to kill him with repeated blows to the head with a pipe. The survivors steal a hearse and head to the prom and on their way discover that Nash Rambler and his band have found a way to neutralize the zombies for a short period of time: Playing their music live! With the help of football Coach Keel (Mark Oliver; SLEEPAWAY CAMP III: TEENAGE WASTELAND - 1998) and his arsenal of weapons, they all head to the prom for the ultimate battle.  I must say I was quite impressed with this gory horror comedy. Director Gregg Bishop (THE OTHER SIDE - 2006) and screenwriter Joe Ballarini (also the 2nd Unit Director) have fashioned a very funny flick (with lots of name-dropping, including a couple of funny lines of dialogue involving Craig's List and Red Bull) without skimping on the red stuff. Particularly impressive is Greyson Chadwick as Lindsey, a character who is so religious, she demands that everyone forms a prayer circle before the climatic battle and also refuses to swear, using the term "effin" every time she wants to say "fuck". She's a hoot-and-a-half to watch, especially when she has a weapon in her hand killing zombies left and right (It seems religion doesn't get in the way of killing, as long as those being killed are already dead!). There are a lot of impressive kills on view, all imaginatively done and gory as hell, with plenty of decapitations and other head violence, appendage-yanking, a funny scene of a body being torn in half and a really nasty tongue-biting scene, followed immediately by some hilarious hot zombie sex. There's a fine line that is usually crossed in these horror comedies, where the humor detracts from the horror and vice versa. I'm glad to say that this is not the case with DANCE OF THE DEAD. It finds that rare balance where the laughs and blood actually compliment each other. I know I am probably going to get a lot of angry emails for saying this, but I haven't enjoyed a zombie comedy this much since RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD (1985). It's that good. I'm still laughing thinking about Nash Rambler and his band playing an extremely slowed-down version of Pat Benetar's "Shadows Of The Night" at the prom to stop the zombies dead in their tracks. Favorite line: "But I don't know how to shoot a machete!" (Spoken by Gwen when Coach Keel doles out weapons to everyone in his garage). Filmed in Rome, Georgia. Also starring Randy McDowall, Michael V. Mammoliti, Mark Lynch, Hunter Pierce, Lucas Till and James Jarrett as the mysterious gravedigger. A Lionsgate Entertainment DVD Release through their Ghost House Underground division. Rated R.

DAWN OF THE LIVING DEAD (2004) - One man wrecking crew David Heavener (DEADLY REACTOR - 1988) strikes again, this time directing, producing, writing and starring in a zombie horror film. And wouldn't you know it, besides the clumsy direction, badly-recorded sound and general ultra-low-budget look, this film actually has some effective moments. Engaged couple Jeffrey (Joe Estevez) and Renee (Amanda Bauman) buy a house sight-unseen in the California desert at a place called Heaven Valley, not aware that the previous occupants, a Mexican family, were savagely shotgunned to death by an unknown assailant. Renee instantly falls in love with the place, but she soon begins having visions of the Mexican family being murdered and a dead little girl keeps showing her visions of things past and future. Renee also finds some Mayan artifacts scattered throughout the property and brings them into the house, which is also festooned with Mayan artwork on the walls. In the sky, a rare aligning of the planets is taking place and the dead Mexican family rise from their unmarked graves in the desert as bloodthirsty zombies and begin their path of destruction by eating a couple of "jackals" (Steven Bracy and Carrie Gonzalez, who has a nude scene) and the two wetbacks they have tied-up. Renee finds a book and homemade CD that explains that when all the planets align, the people that died an unjust death will rise from their graves to get their revenge. Renee meets electric windmill operator Michael Richards (Heavener) on one of her daily walks and invites him to dinner. At dinner, Renee reveals that she spent the last two years in a mental institution after her daughter (from a previous marriage) was killed by a drunk driver. Jeffrey was the doctor that helped her regain her sanity and they've been a couple ever since. Michael reveals to Renee and Jeffrey that the house they are living in use to be a safehouse for wetbacks that illegally crossed the border (he also makes his hatred of Mexicans known to the couple). To make a long story short, Jeffrey gets drunk and jealous and then tries to rape Renee, Michael and Renee begin an affair and Jeffrey is graphically devoured by the zombie family. Renee and Michael must defend themselves from the zombie horde, but a twist in the story shows that not everyone is as good as they pretend to be.  This cheapjack production is actually enjoyable if you ignore the gaping plot holes and just go along for the ride. While the acting is nothing to write home about (Can it be possible that Joe Estevez actually has no talent?), I've definitely seen worse and some of the zombie effects are pretty gory, including Estevez's head being torn off and the birth of a zombie baby, who gets revenge on his daddy, in one of the film's unintentionally hilarious highlights. Another funny moment is the appearance of former DIFF'RENT STROKES bad boy Todd Bridges as Heavener's retarded co-worker, Ruben Herardo. He sports a set of ogre teeth and a prosthetic beer gut and is virtually unrecognizable. Even though he is given fourth billing, he's in the film for less than three minutes. I guess he needed some coke or bail money. David Heavener (who also wrote the opening and closing song "Mombie Zombie") is one of the last people in the business who is an industry unto himself. He keeps churning out no-budget flicks up to this day, still choosing to make his movies using actual film rather than videotape or digital video. While DAWN OF THE LIVING DEAD (originally filmed as CURSE OF THE MAYA in 2004, but not given a release until 2007) is nothing more than a seat-of-the-pants production, some fun can be had here if you can get past the cheapness of it all. Also known as EVIL GRAVE: CURSE OF THE MAYA. Also starring Andrew Crandall, Lauren Aguas, Elizabeth Webster, Robert Aceves, Maui Yang and, just so we know nepotism is alive and well, Adena Heavener and Libertie Heavener. A Hannover House DVD Release, who usually release Christian-themed family films. Rated R.

DEAD & ROTTING (2002) - On a dare, three drunken construction guys go to an old witch's house in the woods in hopes of winning a "12 pack". They are chased away by Pox (Christopher Suciu), the witch's son, who is really a black cat! The guys next meet Pox at a bar and he eggs their pickup truck. They beat up Pox, which doesn't sit well with the witch. She blows poison ivy powder in their faces and it causes them to break out in boils and get extremely ill. When they recover, they hire two stoner boys to go to the witch's house and break some windows. Being stoners, they go one further and kill Pox (who was a cat at the time) and cook him in boiling water. The witch vows revenge, takes a magical bath and turns into a beautiful woman (Debbie Rochon). She seduces all three guys and, after she fucks them all, performs a spell where she takes her afterbirth (!), puts it in a hollowed-out pumpkin and buries it. Before you can say "PUMPKINHEAD", three rotting demons rise from the ground and wait to do the witch's bidding. Can you guess what she wants them to do? After disposing of one of the stoners, the witch and the demons begin her revenge on the construction trio. Will the "whammy" (a spell made up of the cut-off fingers of the surviving males) save those who are left?  Directed without much style by makeup effects wizard David A. Barton (THE DEAD NEXT DOOR - 1989), the film fails on two levels: 1) Most of the acting by the cast is sub-par and 2) it's not very original. The good points are that it is capably acted by Debbie Rochon (who has appeared in over 100 films from 1995 - 2006!) and some of the effects are absolutely surreal (the dead plants growing out of the heads of the undead victims is very well done). Thankfully, the film has a short running time of 72 minutes, so it doesn't overstay it's welcome. It was executive produced by Charles Band and J.R. Bookwalter. This was the type of film Full Moon was making before it went into a self-imposed retirement. That should give you some idea as to the quality of this. Also starring Troma graduate Trent Haaga (who also produced), who was excellent in SUBURBAN NIGHTMARE (2004), Stephen O'Mahoney, Tom Hoover, Jeff Dylan Graham and Barbara Katz Norrod as the witch. The Special Edition DVD includes an early 11 minute super 8 short by Barton, a behind-the-scenes documentary, makeup effects footage, isolated music score (by Midnight Syndicate and others), commentary track by Barton and Hoover, still galleries and trailers. Not bad for the $6.99 I paid for it. A Tempe DVD Release. Rated R.

DEAD BIRDS (2004) - Hey, I'm a fan of horror movies that take place during the Western period of America, but this film would try the patience of even the most open-minded viewer. Besides a few jump scares, this film offers very little in the way of a coherent storyline. A group of criminals pull off a bloody bank robbery (the best part of this film) in Alabama after the end of the Civil War. They then head off to an abandoned plantation (which seems to be surrounded by miles of dead corn stalks) to hide out. Once inside the house, and after a confrontation with a creepy scarecrow and a skinned animal in the field, the criminals begin to act strangely, seeing dead children and slaves. It all has something to do with the house's previous owner (a cameo appearance by Muse Watson), who sacrificed his children and slaves in order to bring his wife back to life. It's all very confusing, slow and boring, with occasional CGI scares and a dabble of gore. The talents of Henry Thomas, Patrick Fugit, Nicki Aycox, Isaiah Washington, Mark Boone Junior and Michael Shannon are completely wasted here as they do nothing more than walk around the house in a trance (and getting killed) as we are given very little information about their characters to really give a shit about their fate. They are cold-blooded killers after all, as the opening bank robbery shows, so why should we care about what happens to them? Director Alex Turner, in his first full-length feature, does imbue the film with loads of eerie atmosphere (a haunted well; a locked door that holds secrets; footprints that turn from human into animal) but atmospherics do not necessarily make a good film. The whole film reminded me of a dumbed-down Western version of director William Wesley's SCARECROWS (1988), without the scares and shudders. Can someone please tell me what the ending was all about? Does it have something to do with the circle of life? I had high hopes for this film after reading a bunch of positive reviews from the festival circuit. Don't believe everything you read. A Sony Pictures Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.

DEADLY END (2005) - Bob and Wendi Petersen (Jack Huston, Pell James) have just moved cross-country and are the new neighbors in a house on a cul-de-sac in a neighborhood that can best be described as rundown (as Bob drives to his first day at his new job at ZeeCorp, he notices that nearly all the houses on his block are boarded-up and deserted). Bob finds out from co-worker Scotty (John Ennis) that the neighborhood was the victim of some chemical spill by the company he now works for (Scotty calls it the "ZeeCorp Love Canal"), but no one is allowed to talk about it in fear of being fired.  Bob and Wendi are about to find out why, as they meet the weirdest assortment of people this side of Twin Peaks. While Bob is at work, Wendi has the gas and electric turned on in their house and the utility man makes sexual advances towards her. When she turns him down, he walks outside and pisses on the house. The two elderly people who live next to them are deaf and strange. The old lady likes to drive her car on Bob and Wendi's lawn while honking the horn and later we see the two old farts taking a shower with bottled water. Someone leaves a bouquet of flowers at the front door for Wendi with a welcome letter (that looks more like a ransom note!), but as Wendi will find out later that night, the flowers are covered in poison oak (she wakes up in bed with her face covered in blisters and has to be rushed to the hospital). Wendy begins acting strange, hiding in moving boxes and not wanting to leave the house. Bob meets another strange neighbor named Adrien (Nick Searcy), who covers  his windows with newspapers and spend his days and nights listening to a religious radio call-in show. Adrien delivers some chocolates to Bob and Wendi's house as a welcoming gift, but as they will find out, the chocolates are filled with a horse laxative (Bob has a particularly bad bathroom accident at work, that's both nasty and hilariously funny). Adrien returns the next day with a gift of grape preserves, but Bob tells him to take his preserves and get lost. Adrien then threatens both Bob and Wendi's lives, calling them "damn sex whores" and returns in the middle of the night to sabotage the food in their refrigerator. Bob catches him in the act and calls the police, but as Bob will soon find out, the police are just as crazy as Adrien and everyone else on the block. When Bob tries to gather all the neighbors together to form a neighborhood watch, he and Wendi find out that no one dares speak badly about Adrien. When Bob and Wendi discover that she is pregnant, the film takes a gross turn that will most certainly make you laugh and wince in pain at the same time.  This sick and twisted film is like a black comedy version of the 1984 thriller IMPULSE, where a chemical spill causes a town to lose all their inhibitions. In this case, whatever was spilled (it's never explained or expanded upon after Scotty's off-hand remark about it to Bob) caused the people to turn totally insane and director/scripter Graeme Whifler (who scripted the equally outrageous SONNY BOY [1989] and the above-average horror comedy DR. GIGGLES [1992]) piles on the depravity, but always with a wicked sense of humor. My favorite scene is when we watch Adrien "masturbate" in his bedroom. He inserts a finger into a stitched-up incision in his stomach and repeatedly jams a hypodermic needle into his crotch while moaning like some schoolboy reaching orgasm. Both Jack Huston and Pell James prove to be good sports, as they spend a good portion of their screen time in the bathroom, either with a bad case of the "Hershey squirts" or puking their guts out, thanks to Adrien fucking around with their food and water. I don't recommend this low-budget film to new home owners, because it will make you very wary of your neighbors. Everyone has a neighbor they don't particularly care for, but this film amps up that fear to a whole new level. While not very gory (Until the outrageous finale, where Adrien performs a homemade C-section on Wendi and sticks his hands into her open stomach and then performs the same operation on himself, fondling his internal organs and removing a large tumor, only to be interrupted by the deaf old man. What happens next is truly mind-boggling!), the film makes you feel uncomfortable, such as the scene where Adrien spits into an unconscious Bill's mouth or when he turns off the electricity to the deaf old lady's ventilator. Nick Searcy (a great character actor probably best known to readers as portraying Deputy Ben Healy on the cult TV series AMERICAN GOTHIC [1995 - 1996]) is outstanding here as an insane individual who performs unnecessary operations on himself, including surgically removing his own penis (he shouts out, "No more dirty sheets! No more stinky juice!"). The ending of the film is somewhat of a letdown, but I guarantee that you will be sitting there with your mouth wide open, wondering if what you just witnessed wasn't just some bad fever dream. This is a darkly comic trip into a perverse sector of Twilight Zone, which should come as no surprise once you discover that Graeme Whifler started his career directing music videos for such eclectic bands as The Residents and Oingo Boingo. Originally filmed under the title NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH which is a much more fitting title if you ask me. Also starring Terry Becker and Anina Lincoln as the deaf old couple, Chris Ufland, Jerry Schumacher, Tim Devitt, Randall Bosely and a cameo by Irwin Keyes (LOVELY BUT DEADLY - 1981) as a garbage man. A Lunatic Entertainment DVD Release. Unrated.

DEAD MAN'S HAND: CASINO OF THE DAMNED (2007) - More Full Moon crap, directed by founder Charles Band. At one time Band showed some talent, directing such varied fare as CRASH! (1976), TRANCERS (1985) and HEAD OF THE FAMILY (1996), but he recently has been scraping the bottom of his career barrel, churning-out such mindless, boring drivel as THE GINGERDEAD MAN (2005), EVIL BONG (2006) and this film, a ghost story about the evils of playing games of chance in a haunted casino. Matthew (Scott Whyte; REEKER - 2005) has inherited the abandoned and crumbling Dragna's Casino from his dead Uncle Franco (It looks as if Band blew most of his paltry budget on cobweb machines), where forty years earlier, Roy "The Word" Donahue (Sid Haig; THE DEVIL'S REJECTS - 2005) and many other people were murdered while gambling at the casino. Instead of bulldozing the casino to the ground and selling the property, Matthew wants to restore the casino to its former glory and reopen it for business (Never mind about important stuff like gambling licenses, building permits and such; this film would rather you not dwell on such things). Maintenance man Sam (Bob Rumnock) and a female realtor (Diane Mizota) are sent in advance to check the place out, but they are both killed in the casino's mens room by some unknown force (Sam has his face ripped off and the realtor has her head repeatedly bashed against the bathroom door until her skull bloodily splits open). Instead of wondering what happened to Sam and the realtor, Matthew and his girlfriend JJ (Robin Sydney; WICKED LAKE - 2008), along with friends Jimbo (Wes Armstrong) the pothead, Emily (Lily Rains) the closet lesbian, Skeeter (Kavan Reece; GRIZZLY PARK - 2008) the impotent and Paige (Kristyn Green; CARVER - 2007) the sexpot, head to the decrepit casino to clean it up and open it for business. Things take a bad turn from the start when JJ plays one of the dusty slot machines (that, surprisingly, still works!) and it pays out in human teeth. Skeeter takes a crap in a toilet that overflows with blood. Emily meets a blackjack dealer (Rico Simonini), one of the ghosts of the massacre forty years earlier, who challenges her to a game of blackjack (Emily is not only a lesbo, she's a math genius, to boot!). Skeeter meets another murdered ghost, Melissa (Jessica Morris; BLOODY MURDER - 1999), and suddenly there's some spring to his usually flaccid penis. Matthew and JJ are visited by the ghosts of Roy Donahue and Gil Wachetta (Michael Berryman; THE HILLS HAVE EYES - 1977), who tell them that Matthew's Uncle Franco hid two million dollars in silver in the casino and they want it (What in the hell are ghosts gonna do with a fortune in silver? They're fucking ghosts for Christ's sake!). Everyone becomes trapped in the casino (Suddenly, cellphone service stops, because, as we all know, supernatural forces can block the cellphones' service providers. Give me a fucking break!), as Roy, Gil and the other ghosts begin dispatching Matthew's friends in various, cost-conscious, low-budget ways, all having to do with games of chance. In the finale, Matthew must play Roy one hand of Poker, the winner getting both the silver and a chance to escape with their lives.  This has all the earmarks of a latter-day Charles Band flick: It's filmed on limited sets; has more talk than action; has most of the females in skimpy clothing, but stops short of actual nudity; and has special effects that are a combination of cheap CGI and even cheaper practical effects (The Melissa demon, who has one-armed bandit slots instead of eyes, elicits laughter rather than fear, as does the roulette wheel demon, who looks like a GHOULIES reject). The screenplay, by August White (Band's SKULL HEADS - 2009), is just a collection of stereotypical characters and clichéd situations, many of which don't make any sense at all. The only line of dialogue that made me laugh was when Skeeter says to Melissa, "Popping a boner over a dead chick? I gotta have my head examined!" Michael Berryman is totally wasted here, relegated to saying "Good one, boss!" whenever Sid Haig makes a quip. DEAD MAN'S HAND should be retitled LIMP MAN'S DICK, because the action is as soft as Skeeter's pecker, the story about as sharp as a wet noodle and the gore about as hard as kindergarten math. Skip it. A Full Moon Entertainment DVD Release. Unrated.

DEADMATE (1988) - Waitress Nora (Elizabeth Mannino) is sick of her job and sick of the people she meets such as the condom salesman who wants to give her a free sample in the back seat of his car. She is also sick of the recurring nightmare she has of having her heart yanked out while she watches, unable to move. So she chucks her job and her boring life when a handsome man in a limousine, John Henry Cox (David Gregory), walks into the diner and asks her to marry him. Nora has no family (she was brought up in an orphanage) so she jumps at the chance figuring the man has money and she will finally have a comfortable life. Things get a little strange for Nora. She finds out that John Henry is an undertaker when he drives her to his hometown of Newbury (the name has a double meaning). They immediately get married right in the Cox Funeral Home (I hope this name doesn't have a double meaning!). The entire town is anxious to meet her. John Henry likes his bed cold and when they make love he instructs her to be very still. Funerals in Newbury are very popular and have huge turnouts. Nora soon finds out why her new husband and the townspeople seem weird when she spies on them having intercourse with a dead girl's body. They are necrophiliacs and when they feel the urge they run some young girl off the road, bring her to the funeral home, drain her blood, give her electric shock and screw her. As one of the townies says, "It's much safer this way. You can't get AIDS from a dead person." When the body begins to decompose they cause another accident to supply themselves with a fresh corpse. Nora realizes she is next when she discovers a tombstone with her name on it in the local cemetery. This exercise in bad taste was written and directed by Straw Weisman, who was a collaborator with the late ultra-low budget auteur Andy Milligan (TORTURE DUNGEON, CARNAGE). Mr. Weisman shows much more talent in his directorial debut than Mr. Milligan could ever dreamed of having. A good story with generous amounts of black humor and gore (effects by Arnold Gargiulo,Jr.). Check out the motorcycle chase near the finale when the rider slowly decomposes as he tries to run the heroine off the road. Pretty creepy stuff. The end credits promise a sequel. Probably the best film on the subject of necrophilia since the 1972 X-Rated porn extravaganza DEEP SLEEP or director Jaque La Certe's 1972 little-seen LOVE ME DEADLY. Producer Lew Mishkin is the son of William Mishkin, who used to produce Andy's bombs. A Prism Entertainment Home Video Release. Available on DVD from Video Kart as GRAVEROBBERS (I don't like that title). Unrated.

THE DEAD NEXT DOOR (1989) - This is probably director J.R. Bookwalter's best film also it being his first film. Mainly financed by Sam Raimi (he executive produced this using the pseudonym "The Master Cylinder") and filmed in Super-8 over a period of four years, the story is generic zombie gut-munching stuff, but has a visceral energy which makes it stand out from the pack. The walking dead have taken over the Earth except for a force of people known as the Zombie Squad, who go around shooting all the zombies that they see. There's also the Reverend Jones (Robert Kokai) who plans on using the zombies for his own nefarious means. The story is inconsequential, as scenes of zombies biting into their victims or Zombie Squad members killing the zombies are shown very frequently (the film only runs about 70 minutes if you don't count the long end credits sequence). Flesh and guts are ripped apart, heads are severed or blown off and other body appendages are chewed or torn off. The effects are quite good (by Dave Barton [DEAD & ROTTING - 2002], Bookwalter and others) for such a super low-budget film and there is plenty of humor and jump-out-of-your-seat scares to go around. The question still remains: What in the hell happened to Bookwalter? Besides the halfway decent OZONE (1993), his output has been mainly sub-par SOV crap that was picked up by Charles Band or David DeCoteau. It seems he shot his wad (don't say that in front of DeCoteau!) on his first film and lost the spark that all good directors seem to keep at least for a few films. Bookwalter is a mainstay in the independent filmmaking world, even today, but I cannot understand why. Most of his stuff, including THE SANDMAN (1996), WITCHOUSE II: BLOOD COVEN (2000) and WITCHOUSE 3: DEMON FIRE (2001) are dreadful pieces of dreck. He has also produced, edited and written countless other films which I will not mention. THE DEAD NEXT DOOR will remain his crowning achievement and that's not a bad thing.  Also starring Peter Ferry, Bogdan Pecic, Jolie Jackunas, Scott Spiegel, Michael Grossi and Bruce Campbell dubbing the voices of several characters. Most of the characters names are famous horror directors, Anchor Bay has released a pretty good looking DVD of this film. There's plenty of grain (it is Super-8 after all), but they've remixed the film into Dolby Digital Surround and filled the DVD with plenty of extras, my favorite being the auditions of the actors/behind the scenes talent. Not Rated.

DEAD OF NIGHT (1999) - Sleeper of a film that never quite got the recognition it deserved, thanks to it's generic title (at least ten films share it) and lack of publicity or distribution.  Serial killer Leo Rook (Christopher Adamson) escapes off a prison ship headed for an isolated prison island and sets foot on a island with a lighthouse (LIGHTHOUSE is the film's original title). After killing most of the lighthouse residents, Rook turns off the light in the lighthouse causing the prison ship to crash on the jagged rocks. The surviving prisoners and guards, including new prison doctor Kirsty McCloud (Rachel Shelley), must learn to trust each other while Rook begins killing them in very gory ways. Dr. McCloud forms an uneasy alliance with prisoner Richard Spader (James Purefoy), who says he is innocent. Is he really? What secret is Dr. McCloud concealing? And what are Rook's motives for causing this shipwreck? While this might seem a generic description for hundreds of slasher films, DEAD OF NIGHT delivers where it counts. It' scary, involving and gory as all hell. I'm quite surprised that this actually received an R-rating in the States as there are many scenes of dismemberment (Rook really likes to decapitate people) and tense scenes of terror (try to watch the scene with the rolling aerosol can in the bathroom and not jump out of your skin). First time director Simon Hunter (THE MUTANT CHRONICLES - 2007) gives the whole film a genuinely creepy atmosphere, filming the kills in unusual ways (one kill can only be seen in a swinging window's reflection) and using fog, light and sound to great effect. The final 15 minutes are a spectacular white knuckle ride, so the less said about it the better. This is one film that should be on every slasher film fanatic's must-see list. What are you waiting for? This film reminded me of 1972's TOWER OF EVIL (aka HORROR ON SNAPE ISLAND), since they both deal with a killer murdering people on a deserted island with a lighthouse, but this one is much better. Also starring Paul Brooke, Don Warrington, Chris Dunne, Bob Goddy and Pat Kelman. An A-Pix Entertainment Home Video Release. Rated R.

DEATH BED: THE BED THAT EATS (1972/1977) - I've had this DVD in my "To Be Watched" pile for over three years because, frankly, this film couldn't possibly live up to it's hype. Lost for over 25 years (Well, not exactly lost. Just mostly unseen except for a small cult following since it was pirated on VHS in 1983), DEATH BED has slowly built word-of-mouth raves that I have read on various websites and publications. That has always bothered me since MALATESTA'S CARNIVAL OF BLOOD (1973) got the same type of press and I hated that film (Hate is a harsh word. Let's just say I disliked it immensely.). Well, I'm glad to report that DEATH BED is a laugh riot and not in some unintentional way. This is a deliberate horror comedy that hits all the right notes. The film is broken into chapters, titled "Breakfast", "Lunch" and "Dinner" and each chapter tells a different story about separate victims of the bed, which our imprisoned narrator (who was a victim of the bed) mocks continually, especially for it's "stupidity" for not being able to move. The bed is located in an abandoned castle, it's always-clean white sheets and purple canopy inviting people to come and try it out. Little do they know that the bed is hungry and will devour their flesh (not to mention their bucket of chicken, apples or whatever else they bring to bed with them) with it's acidic juices, sometimes only leaving bone in it's wake. Our narrator sits helplessly behind a painting facing the bed, witnessing the murdering mattress from Hell doing it's business. The film is just a series of funny (and sometimes frightening) imaginative kills, enhanced by the bed's absurd sound effects, some creative (and downright hilarious) visuals and our narrator's continuous verbal attacks addressed to the bed. Director/producer/writer George Barry, who started this film in 1972 but didn't strike an answer print until 1977, never made another film after this, thanks to it never getting a legal distribution deal in the U.S.. It's a shame, too, because Barry had talent. Though not overly bloody (gorehounds will be disappointed), Barry does splash the red stuff around, though much of it (but not all) is used for comical effect. By the end of the film, you will think the bed is a real character because, between the crazy visuals and the narrator's verbal and visual history of the bed, it seems to take a life and personality all it's own.  That's one of the hardest things to do as a filmmaker and Barry hits it out of the ballpark on his first try. Since he is still alive, maybe someone will give George Barry the funds to make another film. If the actor who loses his hands at the end of the film looks familiar, that because the credited actor "Rusty Russ" is actually the excellent character actor William Russ, who you have seen in films like THE UNHOLY (1988) and AMERICAN HISTORY X (1998) and has appeared on too many TV shows to mention. This was his first acting role in a film. After watching DEATH BED, one has to wonder how many other undiscovered gems are out there sitting in someone's closet, attic or basement, just rotting away, never getting their chance in the spotlight like this film did. The mind boggles. Also starring Demene Hall, Julie Ritter, Linda Bond, Patrick Spence-Thomas and Dave Marsh. A Cult Epics DVD Release. Not Rated. Contains female nudity, Russ with skeleton hands and a lengthy scene of a Black girl trying to escape from the bed after it has dissolved her legs. The payoff is suspenseful as well as funny. Grab this while you still have the chance!

DEATH CURSE OF TARTU (1966) - As I write this review, I'm happy to report that director William Grefe is still alive and kicking and making the rounds at horror conventions. He may not be well-known to people born in the 80's or later, but to us old fogies, no mention of Florida regional filmmaking can go unchecked without Grefe's name being uttered. Grefe didn't direct many films, but to those of us who went to the movies or watched late-night horror films on TV during the late-60's through the 70's, his name was synonymous with South Florida, with titles like STING OF DEATH (1966), STANLEY (1972), IMPULSE (1974), MAKO: THE JAWS OF DEATH (1976) and this film, a TV staple throughout the 70's about an ancient Seminole Indian witch doctor out to get revenge on those who desecrate his sacred burial ground. The film opens with an explorer (an uncredited Brad F. Grinter; BLOOD FREAK - 1972) discovering a secret cave in the Florida Everglades, which contains the sarcophagus of Tartu (played by makeup effects technician and magician Doug Hobart). The huge stone door (which is obviously made of Styrofoam) closes behind him, trapping the explorer as Tartu rises from his coffin, kills the explorer and opens a manuscript in the explorer's possession, the pages revealed to be the opening credits of the film (which Tartu slowly flips through for the viewers' pleasure)! We then switch to Indian guide Billy (Bill Marcus) and explorer Sam Gunter (Frank Weed) paddling a canoe through the Everglades until they reach a destination on Sam's map. Billy refuses to go any further ("Ever since I was a young boy, I've seen my people bring back the bodies of dead men who have invaded this sacred burial ground."), so Sam heads out on his own ("Any ghost that bothers me will have his hands full!) after handing Billy the map and telling him to give it to Ed Tison (Fred Pinero) and his wife Julie (Babette Sherrill) so they can come here in airboats. Sam continues his trek, ignoring ancient warnings like human skulls hanging on tree branches and then setting up camp. After doing a little exploring, Sam discovers an ancient Seminole artifact buried under an alligator skull, which wakes up Tartu once again. Tartu transforms into a huge boa constrictor and crushes Sam to death while Indian drums and warrior chanting fills the air. Bill gives Ed and Julie the map, but refuses to go with them, so they, along with archaeology students Cindy (Mayra Cristine), Johnny (Sherman Hayes), Tommy (Gary Holtz) and Joann (Maurice Stewart), take the airboats to their destination and look for Sam. When they find the camp, but no Sam, Ed tells the students that he must be out hunting a deer, but he knows something is wrong. Ed begins deciphering the artifact Sam left behind (It tells how witch doctor Tartu can take the shape of any creature to exact revenge and that only nature can destroy him), while the students go to the lake to "roast marshmallows" (a code phrase for making out and doing the Twist in their bathing suits). Apparently, Tartu doesn't appreciate cheap 60's rock-and-roll or woman shaking their asses, as he turns into a shark and devours Tommy and Joann as they take a swim, an occurrence Ed finds impossible ("Sharks don't live in fresh water."). The drums and warrior chants fill the air once again, so Ed, Julie, Cindy and Johnny beat a hasty retreat to the airboats, only to discover that they have been destroyed by alligators. Johnny leaves to find help on his own, but is soon repeatedly bitten in the face by a poisonous snake and dies. Ed decides that the only way to stop this madness is to find Tartu's grave and destroy his body, but Cindy panics and is killed by an alligator. When Tartu transforms into a young version of himself and chases Julie into a pit of quicksand (caves, quicksand, sharks...man, the Everglades have everything!), Ed has to find a way to save her and destroy Tartu at the same time. Hmmmm...maybe if you could find a way to toss him in the quicksand!  Ah, memories. What scared me as a young 'un now seems awfully quaint and cheap, but not without its charms. There's some nice on-location Everglades photography and some surprisingly gory effects on-view (including Ed dragging the lake and latching-on to one of Tommy's dismembered arms and Cindy having her hand bitten off by an alligator) and the acting could be a whole lot worse than it is. Unfortunately, the pacing of the film is deadly slow and director/screenwriter William Grefe does no one any favors by inserting long scenes of people running or walking through the Everglades, a silly "dancing by the lake" sequence or the unbelievable bit where Ed moves the giant stone door by using the powder of a single rifle bullet! Still, the sight of the skeletal Tartu rising from his coffin is very effective (and has been burned in my brain since I was a child) and there's some choice 60's gore on view (man, 60's blood was really bright red!), so DEATH CURSE OF TARTU is not a total loss and manages to be quite atmospheric at times. Originally available on VHS by Active Home Video and available on an extras-packed double feature DVD (with Grefe's STING OF DEATH) from Something Weird Video/Image Entertainment and it's worth every penny, especially the added attraction of the 30-minute 1964 gore sexploitationer LOVE GODDESSES OF BLOOD ISLAND (a.k.a. SIX SHES AND A HE), which is unbelievable. Not Rated.

DEATH SHIP (1980) - I love movies that take place on haunted ships (GHOST SHIP [2002] notwithstanding). Maybe it's because of the feeling of isolation the viewer gets; being trapped in the middle of the ocean, hundreds, if not thousands, of miles from the nearest dry land and at the mercy of a derelict ghost ship that wants nothing more than to make sure that your soul stays on board for all eternity. I mean, really, what choices do you have when trapped on a death ship? Most of the time in these films, the radio is on the fritz, all the lifeboats are gone and food and drinkable water are at a minimum, so your only real choices are to fight the evil and hope to God that you win (which usually means that you'll be rescued by a passing ship) or just give up and jump overboard, where you will tread water for as long as you can and then eventually drown or get eaten by a shark. Face it, being trapped on a ghost ship sucks and the odds are stacked against you. Which brings us to DEATH SHIP, one of the first modern-day haunted ship films to mix that dreaded feeling of isolation with scenes of bloody gore. George Kennedy (DEMONWARP - 1987) is cruise ship Captain Ashland, who is on his final voyage (he retires in three days) and showing the ropes to the next ship's captain, Trevor Marshall (Richard Crenna; LEVIATHAN - 1989). Captain Ashland is a bitter, bitter man who shows nothing but disdain to both crew and passengers and hates the thought of forced retirement (One of his crew members says, "Bastard! Thank God this will be his last trip."). Trevor's wife, Margaret (Sally Ann Howes) and their two young children, Robin (Jennifer McKinney) and Ben (Danny Higham), are also on-board the cruise ship to celebrate his promotion. He should have left his family at home. A ghost ship appears out of nowhere on radar and rams the cruise ship, sinking it and leaving Trevor and his family, deck hand Nick (Nick Mancuso; RAPID FIRE - 1992), passengers Sylvia (Kate Reid; PLAGUE - 1978) and Lori (Victoria Burgoyne), Master of Ceremonies Jackie (Saul Rubinek; TRUE ROMANCE - 1993) and an injured Captain Ashland as the only survivors. After spending several days floating in the sweltering sun, the ghost ship suddenly appears next to them, anchored and not moving. They all board the floating rust bucket, but the ship tries to kill Trevor, Nick and Captain Ashland before they even set foot on-board (a quick-thinking Trevor saves the day). Jackie is the first casualty when the ship snares his leg on a rope and drops him overboard, where the ship's spinning propellers grind him to pieces. The ship, which is a German WW II frigate that had a Nazi crew, possesses the vulnerable Captain Ashland (Hey, he gets to captain another ship!), while the rest of the survivors search the ship for food dry clothes and other signs of life. German voices in Captain Ashland's head tell him that this is now "his ship", so he begins killing the survivors, beginning with Sylvia (who breaks out in facial pustules after eating a peppermint candy she found in a cupboard), whom he strangles when no one else is around and blames her sudden death on "a seizure". The Captain's obsessive behavior (he now dresses in a German Captain's uniform!) troubles Trevor (When he asks Captain Ashland, "Where do you plan to sail her?", Ashland replies, "Eternity, Marshall. Eternity!" Oh boy, this does not sound good at all.), so he tries to take control of the ship from Ashland, but the ship won't let him. As Ashland bellows "No one leaves my ship!", Trevor and his family, now the only living survivors remaining, try to do just that, but will they be successful?  Although it takes a while to get cooking, the Canadian-financed DEATH SHIP does have its share of creepy moments and atmospheric sequences, but it is nearly ruined by the stupid antics of pint-sized Ben, who always has to pee (He should see a doctor about it!) or runs-off at the worst times possible. I wanted to punch the little snot squarely in the face on more than one occasion. Director Alvin Rakoff (KING SOLOMON'S TREASURE - 1977; CITY ON FIRE - 1979) and screenwriter John Robins (better known as one of the producers of THE BENNY HILL SHOW!) save most of the gruesome stuff for the film's final third, such as the discovery that this was actually a German "interrogation" ship and it is littered with the bodies of Jewish victims (Nick finds out the hard way when Captain Ashland throws him in one of the ship's bilge wells and he lands on a net full of rotting Jewish corpses); Lori takes a blood shower (gratuitous full-frontal nudity alert!) before being tossed overboard by a possessed Ashland; there's a freezer full of frozen corpses of the ship's original crew; Nick claws his way through the walls of the ship's movie viewing cabin while Nazi propaganda films are projected on his body (this is a nicely-filmed sequence and my favorite part of the film); and George Kennedy overacts to the point where he almost becomes a parody of himself (Listen to his line readings of "Blood! This ship needs blood to survive!" for proof of Kennedy taking the film to dizzying new heights). What more could you ask for? Grant Page (STUNT ROCK - 1978) was Stunt Coordinator here and genre director Jack Hill (THE BIG BIRD CAGE - 1972) is credited with co-writing the story. Originally released on VHS by Embassy Home Entertainment and while it is not available on a legitimate U.S. DVD, there are German and British DVDs available for purchase from on-line retailers like Amazon. Rated R.

DEATH SPA (1987) - Just why are people dying graphically at the Starbody Health Spa? Who or what is controlling the computer operated exercise equipment so that a man's ribcage is torn apart while using a butterfly machine? Why would anyone want to put chlorine gas in the steam room? And why are the tiles flying off the walls in the women's shower room? Could it be the spa's owner's (William Bumiller, star of Andy Sidaris' GUNS and DO OR DIE) or the ex-brother in law (the late Merritt Butrick, who was Kirk's son in STAR TREK 2 & 3), who designed the spa's unique computer system? Could it be the owners of a rival spa looking to put Bumiller out of business? Or could it be Bumiller's dead wife (and Butrick's twin sister, who doused herself with gasoline and set herself aflame when she became a cripple after a miscarriage) come back to life to make things miserable for her hubby and his new girlfriend? If you answered yes to the last three questions, you were correct, as they are all involved somewhat in the dastardly doings. While low on originality, it is pretty high in depicting gory mayhem and beautiful women's naked hardbodies. There are impalements, acid burnings, pool mishaps, a particularly nasty mirror explosion/beheading and a CARRIE - inspired finale. It was also a pleasure to see nice looking girls in various states of undress since low budget films like this normally showcase the bodies of out-of-shape, cellulite-ridden ugly females who would do anything (and usually do) to get their mugs and jugs on screen. Director Michael Fischa also made the terrible, laugh-an-hour comedy MY MOM'S A WEREWOLF as well as the urban exploitationer CRACK HOUSE. Co-star Ken Foree can also be seen in George Romero's DAWN OF THE DEAD and Stuart Gordon's FROM BEYOND, two films which are recommended viewing for all horror fans. Rosiland Cash also starred in THE OMEGA MAN and DR. BLACK MR. HYDE (aka THE WATTS MONSTER). On the gore and flesh quotient alone, DEATH SPA (also known as WITCH BITCH) is a mildly diverting experience in fleshtones and blood. An MPI Home Video Release. Unrated.

DEATH WISH CLUB (1983) - You may have seen this film in a condensed version in the trilogy NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR (1985). Even if you have, I urge you to check out the complete version of this outrageous and unpredictable low-budget gem. Glenn (Rick Barnes), a college student, falls madly in love with a girl (Meredith Haze) he spots in a porno movie. Not knowing her name, he tracks her down with a little investigative work and finds out her name is Greta and she plays piano at a bar run by the mysterious George (J. Martin Sellers). Greta is a strange girl. She likes to walk around half-naked, use profanity and fuck Glenn like a rabbit (much to the pleasure of Glenn's elderly neighbors; a running gag throughout the film). Greta and George indoctrinate Glenn into their club, whose members meet regularly and try to cheat death. Glenn's first meeting with the club involves sitting around a table while a poisonous giant beetle is let loose, flying around the table picking out a victim to sting. (Stop-motion animation was later added to the edited version in NIGHT TRAIN to make the scene more believable.) Glenn is disgusted with the proceedings and wants nothing more to do with Greta or the club. To give away any more of the plot would be cheating you out of a once-in-a-lifetime trip into the bizarre. This film, originally titled CARNIVAL OF FOOLS (in a slightly different edit), could only come from the fertile pen of Philip Yordan, who also wrote BLOODY WEDNESDAY (1985), THE NIGHTMARE NEVER ENDS (1980 - aka CATACLYSM and SATAN'S SUPPER) and dozens of other pieces of weirdness. Yordan puts in a cameo appearance here as a dirty old man in a porno theater. DEATH WISH CLUB is packed with unusual situations, set pieces and dialogue. During one club meeting where everyone is strapped in an electric chair waiting to see which one of them will receive the lethal jolt, the loser says, "Pardon me while I smoke", just before he expires from the excess voltage. There's also plenty of nudity on view and, surprisingly, very little blood considering the subject matter. DEATH WISH CLUB deals with the perversities of life in such an off-kilter, humorous way that excessive bloodletting is not needed. This is probably the strangest love story ever filmed and thereby is required viewing for anyone looking for something off the beaten path. This is jaw-dropping stuff!  Directed by John Carr (FUGITIVE LOVERS - 1975; MARILYN ALIVE AND BEHIND BARS - 1982/1993). A Regal Video, Inc. Release. Not Rated.

DEEP SPACE (1987) - Another one of director Fred Olen Ray's many 80's horror films, mixing a generic plot with a cast of highly capable B-movie stars. When deep space probe Centaur One, which contains a top secret experiment conducted by Dr. Forsythe (James Booth; AVENGING FORCE - 1986), crash-lands in the California forest near L.A., it unleashes creature that, according to Dr. Forsythe, was "trained to kill". The shoot-first-and-ask-questions-later detective team of Ian MacLiamor (Charles Napier; SKEETER - 1993) and Jerry Merris (Ron Glass; TV's FIREFLY - 2002) are assigned by their hotheaded boss, Captain Robertson (Bo Svenson; DEADLY IMPACT - 1984), to investigate the murders of two teenagers in the woods, who just happen to be the creature's first two victims. When they get to the scene of the crime, Ian and Jerry find the victims torn to pieces, parts of their bodies strewn all over the crash site. While the police forensics investigator, Dr. Rogers (Anthony Eisley; THE WITCHMAKER - 1969), brings a huge organic pod back to his lab for further study (a huge toothsome creature, with a vagina-like opening in it's stomach, later escapes from the pod and kills Dr. Rogers), Ian and Jerry find two smaller versions of the pod and bring them home with them (I can't begin to count how many police procedurals they just broke!). After questioning a wino who witnessed the probe's crash landing (the wino's immediately killed by the creature as soon as he stumbles out of the police station), Ian and Jerry head back to the crash site only to be refused entry by government soldiers carrying automatic weapons. Ian smells a rat (or rather, an alien) and his suspicions are confirmed when Captain Robertson informs him that the case is closed (all the deaths are classified as "accidents") and he then suspends Ian and Jerry from the force. Ian gets outside help from psychic Lady Elaine Wentworth (Julie Newmar; EVILS OF THE NIGHT - 1984), who eventually convinces Ian that she has a psychic link with the creature. When Ian's new girlfriend, female cop Carla (Ann Turkel; HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP - 1980), tells him that the pod he has looks like a giant cockroach egg, they bring it to Professor Whately (Fox Harris), who opens the pod and is killed by a miniature version of the creature. After killing the small monster, Ian realizes that Jerry has a pod at his house. Ian and Carla race over there, but they are too late. Jerry is dead and is being eaten from the inside out by the second small creature. Lady Wentworth informs Ian that if he wants to stop the infestation, he is going to have to kill the large creature, which is capable of laying many more eggs. Ian, Carla and Captain Robertson confront the creature in a warehouse in the film's finale, where a chainsaw is used to finally behead the creature. Thank goodness for gas-powered tools!  Better acted than most of Fred Olen Ray's 80's frightfests, DEEP SPACE is an OK time-waster for the less discriminating horror fan. It also contains one of the most unusual seduction scenes in horror film history, where Charles Napier (who is excellent, as usual) plays the bagpipes during his first date with Ann Turkel and she agrees to take off her clothes if he stops playing! The film is full of little comical moments and dialogue and, while some of it is groan-inducing, there are some inspired scenes, like when Ian pulls the small creature off of Professor Whately and accidentally tosses it right into Carla's face. There's also some pretty good gore (the main creature has tentacles that shoot out of it's vagina-like opening that attach themselves to the victims' bodies and tear them apart) and the creature itself is a goofy, but effective, concoction (imagine part-ALIEN and part-John Carpenter's THE THING rolling on a shopping cart!). Don't fool yourself into believing you're watching anything but a quickly-made B-monster flick and you just may find yourself having a good time with this. It's quite obvious that Ray was influenced by THE BLOB (1958) (the opening crash landing mimics this film rather closely), ALIEN (1979) and 50's monsters-on-the-loose films when he made this. Ray would later recycle footage from this film for his vastly inferior HYBRID (1996). A scene from Ray's THE TOMB (1986) can be seen playing on a TV at the guard station in a warehouse. Gary Graver was Director of Photography, which is why this film looks better than it has any right to. Also starring Norman Burton, Michael Forest, Jesse Dabson, Peter Palmer and Elizabeth Brooks (THE HOWLING - 1981). Originally released on VHS by Trans World Entertainment and not yet available on DVD. Rated R.

DEMON HUNTER (1965) - This poorly-shot obscure oddity has very little to offer in terms of entertainment value. That is, unless your entertainment values run towards the inane and ridiculous. Originally titled THE LEGEND OF BLOOD MOUNTAIN, the story begins with clumsy novice reporter Bestoink Dooley (George Ellis, an Atlanta-based horror host during the '60's) investigating the legend of a monster residing on Blood Mountain. While on the mountain he meets a doctor, his daughter, his female assistant and a forest ranger. After countless scenes of driving and bad post-synch dubbing, the monster finally appears. You'll wish it didn't. It is a laughably bad creation. Dooley destroys it with a flame thrower after a protracted, presumably comical, chase sequence. Directed by Massey Cramer, whose only other credit is as producer and writer of THE FLORIDA CONNECTION (1974), this film is more interesting for its' history rather than for the actual film itself. Notorious director, producer and all-around roustabout Donn Davison added some scenes featuring a new monster, some gore and himself as a respected professor, cut out all the previous monster footage and released it as LEGEND OF MCCULLOUGH'S MOUNTAIN and BLOOD BEAST OF MONSTER MOUNTAIN in 1976. This version is available from Something Weird Video. The original version was released on video in the late '80's by Camp Video missing an entire reel at about the 50 minute mark. The approximately 80 minute film has an actual running time of 65 minutes in this version! To add insult to injury, Camp Video's box trumpets the fact that this film features rare footage of Kenny Roger's ex-wife, Marianne Gordon. It's rare indeed. She is shown drinking Pepsi out of a vintage can for about 30 seconds and she doesn't have a speaking part! Add to that endless scenes which seem to go on forever, such as in the beginning where Dooley is in bed eating cookies and drinking milk for what feels like hours and what you get is a film that can only be viewed if your sense of enjoyment leans towards the masochistic. Also starring Erin Fleming, Sheila Stringer and Bob Corley. A Camp Video Release. Not Rated.

DEMONICUS (2001) - I'm a big fan of director Jay Woelfel. His BEYOND DREAM'S DOOR and GHOST LAKE are excellent and unusual horror films that show a personal style. But when you have to work with hack producer Charles Band and his Full Moon Productions, you can basically throw all your personal visions out the window. Even though Jay co-wrote the screenplay (along with Tim Sullivan), this is still standard Full Moon crap about a group of students who are on a hike (and some type of contest) in the Italian Alps (actually filmed at Angeles National Park in L.A.). When James (Gregory Lee Kenyon) finds a cave with a preserved Gladiator, he dons the costume and becomes possessed and begins killing the rest of the group one-by-one, cutting off their arms, legs and heads and bringing back their body parts to the cave where he performs a ritual to try and bring back to life the long-dead Gladiator Demonicus. He nearly succeeds a couple of times but is twarted by knowledgable female professor Maria (Jennifer Capo) and nerdy Dino (Brannon Gould). Budget restraints notwithstanding, this film is very bloody in spots (courtesy of legendary badfilm director and effects master Joe Castro of JACKHAMMER MASSACRE fame), as arms are hacked off, a leg is sliced off, Dino is run-through with a sword and there's a pretty convincing beheading. But the plot is so absurd and the situations so unbelievable, that I doubt that even Jay would count this as one of his favorites. The real problem though is that Jay didn't do his own music soundtrack for the film. This one has a droning synthesizer score that's headache-inducing (courtesy of Danny Draven), something that Jay would never do. His scores are haunting and add a great deal to his films atmosphere. At least it's only 72 minutes long, so it doesn't overstay it's welcome. While this is better than most of the latter-day Full Moon films (thanks to Jay's POV blood shots and better-than-average acting), it's still nothing to write home about. Would someone please give Jay Woelfel the money he needs to make a film on his terms? When that happens, he always turns out quality product, not churned-out stuff like this to make a living. Also starring Venesa Talor, Kyle Tracy, Allen Nabors, Candace Kroslak and Todd Rex as Demonicus. Released under Full Moon's Cult Video label on both DVD and VHS in a letterbox transfer. Rated R. For more on Jay Woelfel, go to his website: www.JayWoelfel.com.

DEMON KEEPER (1993) - Conman Remy Grilland (the late Edward Albert; GALAXY OF TERROR - 1981), who makes a living swindling old ladies and alcoholic women of their money by holding phony séances, is about to get a rude awakening. After pouring all his money into an old house and tricking it out with all sorts of gadgetry, Remy will soon begin to believe that the supernatural is not all phony mumbo-jumbo. He invites a group of wealthy believers to spend a weekend at the house, but when one of the rich old broad's nephew (who is in hock with gambling debts to a gangster and hopes to get his Aunt's money instead) insists on bringing noted medium Alexander Harris (Dirk Benedict; RUCKUS - 1981) to try and debunk his powers, Remy decides to perform a Druid ritual (out of an ancient book that was passed down in his family) instead of a simple séance. He accidentally unleashes a demon (Mike Lane) that traps everyone in the house and begins possessing people to do his bidding, which usually ends in murder. Harris tells Remy that the only way to find out what the demon wants is to perform a séance and, after Remy confesses to everyone that he is a fake, Harris takes over and performs the séance. The demon appears and tells the group that since they have awakened him from his peaceful eternal slumber, he has to kill everyone in the house by daybreak in order to return to his afterlife. The demon possesses the women in the house, using their naked bodies to entice the men (and women!) to an early grave. Before the night is out, everyone but Harris will be dead, thanks to an ancient ring Harris finds that he thinks will protect him. But, as we all know, it's very hard to cheat the Devil and Harris ends up being blamed by the police for all the deaths in the house. Yawn. Is it over?  This is a disappointing outing from director Joe Tornatore, who previously gave us the unusual actioner THE ZEBRA FORCE (1976), it's sequel CODE NAME: ZEBRA (1986) and the weird horror flick GROTESQUE (1987). DEMON KEEPER is a bland horror film that only comes to life during the several nude scenes (one guy is crushed between the legs of a possessed woman while they are having sex, in the film's most inspired moment). Both Edward Albert and Dirk Benedict are simply awful here and look like they would rather be drinking in a bar than appearing in this dreary film. The script, by frequent Tornatore collaborator Mikel Angel (THE LOVE BUTCHER - 1975), is a slow-paced and uneventful haunted house thriller where nothing much happens during the film's scant 72 minute running time. The gore is also minimal and pretty badly done. There is a quick shot of a dog tearing-out a woman's throat, a couple of stabbings (one shown in silhouette) and plenty of bad optical effects (by David L. Hewitt). The demon costume is pretty good, but it is never used in a manner to induce fear or shocks, even though he is the most animated person in the whole film. Everyone else in this film acts as if they are in some sort of trance, giving the whole film a lethargic pace. I really can't see any point in spending more time explaining just how boring this film really is. Let's just say it's bad and leave it at that. The film is set in Connecticut, but was actually filmed in Zimbabwe, Africa. Also starring Andre Jacobs, Adrienne Pearce, David Sherwood, Jennifer Steyn, Claire Marshall, Diane Nuttal, Else Martin and Katrina Maltby. Available on VHS & DVD from New Horizons Home Video. Rated R.

DEMON OF PARADISE (1987) - A group of fishermen in Kihono, Hawaii are illegally fishing with dynamite when they unleash a long-dormant creature (in other words, a man in a rubber suit). After causing the fishermen to blow up their own boat, the creature then goes on a killing spree. The local natives believe that a mystical beast called Acua has returned, so they perform an ancient ritual (lots of hula dancing) to keep the creature at bay so they can continue fishing. It doesn't work. Local cop Keefer (William Steis), who use to be a sheriff in Reno, Nevada until a serial killer made him lose his edge, joins forces with visiting herpatologist (it's a reptile expert, stupid!) Dr. Annie Essex (Kathryn Witt) to get to the bottom of the killings. Complicating matters is nosey tabloid reporter Ike (scripter Frederick Bailey), who is working in cahoots with down-on-her-luck resort owner Cahill (Laura Banks) to publicize the creature's sudden appearance, so it makes the resort a popular tourist attraction. Also on the island are two criminals, Langley (Nick Nicholson) and Shelton (Henry Strzalkowski), who are waiting for a huge shipment of TNT to arrive, which they plan on selling to the local fishermen (the ones that aren't superstitious, that is). As the tourists start pouring in, the killings begin to escalate and Keefer wants to close down the resort's lake, but in true JAWS fashion, Cahill refuses and tells Keefer to do his job ("I'm not going to let anyone railroad me!"). Cahill holds a "Creature Egg Hunt", where the tourists search for eggs hidden around the resort (you've got to be kidding me!), but when Keefer and his men have a shootout with Langley and Shelton and the creature puts in an appearance and kills Shelton, all the tourists leave the resort in a panic. Keefer calls in the National Guard and they drop grenades on the creature from a helicopter. This just pisses-off the creature, as it then walks on land for the first time and traps everyone in the resort's main cabin. The creature begins picking off people one-by-one and then chases the remaining survivors to the ruins of an ancient temple, where the creature faces-off with Keefer, Annie and the National Guard in the film's explosive finale.  This is prolific Filipino director Cirio H. Santiago's second horror film (after VAMPIRE HOOKERS - 1979) and it's easy to see why he didn't make any more. He stinks at it. This is basically a remake of UP FROM THE DEPTHS (1979; which Santiago produced) and it's a boring mess, with long stretches where nothing happens, followed by an explosion every now and then, followed by an appearance of the creature, which is laughable at best. The subplot about Keefer's past is never fleshed out, besides him saying "I came here to get away from this stuff!" when the murders begin to happen and then later mentioning to Annie that he is a widower (we never really know if the serial killer back in Reno murdered his wife). The film is also rather dry and relatively gore-free for a horror film. The creature attack scenes are few and far between (the sparse gore consists of after-effects of the creature attacks, like slash marks on the face and chest of it's victims), as Santiago would rather focus on the action elements of the film, like Langley and Shelton's dynamite exploits and several gunfights and explosions. Santiago could be an efficient director when faced with the right material (see reviews of FINAL MISSION - 1984; NAKED VENGEANCE - 1985; SILK - 1986), but he seems uncomfortable when it comes to directing horror. He plays it way too safe, which is probably why he didn't make more of them after this. Almost all of Santiago's action and post-nuke flicks (STRYKER - 1983; RAIDERS OF THE SUN - 1991) display more blood and gore than this film, so avoid this and watch one of those instead. Also starring Lesley Huntly (who supplies this film's only topless scene), Joe Mari Avellana (also the Second Unit Director and Production Designer), Paul Holme, Liza Baumann, David Light, Ronnie Patterson, Dave Anderson and Joseph Zucchero. Many of them have appeared in numerous Santiago films in the 80's & 90's. Released on VHS by Warner Home Video and, like most of Santiago's 80's output, not yet available on DVD. Rated R.

DEMONOID (1981) - Mexican-made horror film with an international cast. The film opens with a woman stealing a severed hand out of a silver case (which is shaped like a hand) in a cave occupied by a religious sect dressed like the Ku Klux Klan (only with yellow hoods and robes). The woman becomes instantly possessed and gains superhuman powers in her left hand, but is overpowered by members of the sect, who chain her now-topless body to a cave wall and chop-off her left hand with an axe (nothing is left to the imagination). The hand tries escape on its own, but a sect member stabs it with a knife and puts it in the silver case, waiting patiently for the next person to open it and become possessed. We then switch to the present day, where Jennifer Barnes (Samantha Eggar; CURTAINS - 1982) arrives in Guanajuato, Mexico to spend some time with her husband Mark (Roy Jensen; NIGHTMARE HONEYMOON - 1973; here billed as "Roy Cameron Jenson"), an investor in a silver mine. Jennifer enters the mine by herself (in high heels and an evening dress, but she still has enough sense to wear a hardhat!) and accidentally disturbs some rocks, exposing a rotting corpse missing its left hand (the woman from the beginning, perhaps?) and a huge chunk of silver (Which begs the question: How did Jennifer discover this so easily in an area the miners walk through on a daily basis?). Pepe (Jose Chavez Trowe), Mark's right-hand man (no pun intended), tells Mark and Jennifer that the mine is cursed with the "Devil's Hand", a centuries-old legend, and now that she has exposed the one-handed corpse, none of the superstitious locals will enter the mine and do their jobs. Jennifer hopes to shame the locals into going back to work by traveling down to the deepest part of the mine with just her husband and make they it there after several close calls (A human skull falls into Jennifer's hands and Mark jokingly says, "What, are you collecting those?"). Mark falls through a sand pit into a lower chamber that contains a sacrificial temple to the demon with only one hand. After Jennifer joins him in the chamber, they find the silver hand case and bring it topside. All hell breaks loose after that. Mark shows the case to the workers and they all run away in fear. That night, a drunk and distraught Mark opens the case and discovers nothing but ash inside. He goes to sleep, but the ash transforms into a crawling hand that tries to attack Jennifer. Mark grabs the Devil's Hand and becomes instantly possessed; his left hand has a mind of its own and it's up to no good. The next morning, Mark forces all the mineworkers back into the mine and blows it up with dynamite, killing everyone. Mark escapes to the Sands Casino in Las Vegas, where his possessed left hand makes him a big winner at the craps table, but he is knocked out in the parking lot by hustlers Frankie (Ted White) and Angela (Russ Meyer regular Haji, billed here as "Haji Catton") and driven to a shack in the desert, where he is tied to a table and questioned about his "system" for winning. Mark breaks free and kills them both and, in a moment of clarity, douses himself in gasoline and sets himself on fire, but the left hand buries itself in the sand to avoid being burned. Mark's body is claimed by Father Cunningham (Stuart Whitman; NIGHT OF THE LEPUS - 1972) and buried in Los Angeles (Why he claims Mark's body is never fully explained, but it does move the action to L.A.). Jennifer is convinced that her husband is still possessed and not technically dead, so she goes to Los Angeles, where the burnt corpse of Mark rises from the grave, severs his left hand in the door of a police car and possesses the body of Sgt. Leo Matson (Lew Saunders), a cop friend of Father Cunningham. Can the good Father and Jennifer get the hand back in the silver case before more people get the nickname "Lefty"?  Silly beyond belief, DEMONOID (subtitled "MESSENGER OF DEATH!" on the advertising materials, but not on the actual prints) is mindless entertainment, which defies all normal logic. Director Alfredo Zacharias (THE BEES - 1978; CRIME OF CRIMES - 1989), who co-wrote the mind-numbing screenplay with David Lee Fein and F. Amos Powell, has made an unintentionally hilarious supernatural chiller, as he tries to show how many different ways people can sever their left hand from their bodies. Besides the axe and car door dismemberments, there's removal by laser at a doctor's office, getting run over by a train, cut off by car windshield during an auto accident and removal by blowtorch. There's not much more to the story than that, as the possessed hand passes from body-to-body. Samantha Eggar knows fully well that she picked a stinker to star in, so she plays her role so earnestly, she becomes a parody of herself (especially during the "What The Fuck?!?" finale). Toss in a loony car chase, subliminal demon imagery (like Pazuzu in THE EXORCIST - 1973), a few scenes of gore, dismembered hand puppetry and a bit of female nudity and what you get is a film best viewed under the influence. What that influence is depends on your preference. Robert A. Burns (TOURIST TRAP - 1978) handled the Special Effects Art Direction. Also starring Narciso Busquets, Erika Carlsson, George Soviak and Al Jones. Available on VHS by Media Home Entertainment with a budget VHS release by Video Treasures a few years later. Not available on DVD. Rated R.

DEMON POSSESSED (1989) - A trio of couples run into more trouble than they can handle while vacationing in Minnesota during the Winter. During a snowmobile race on Black Friar Lake, Tom (Aaron Kjenaas) is seriously injured when he flips his snowmobile and smacks his head against a tree. Miles from anywhere, they are forced to hold up in Camp St. Dominic, a deserted religious camp where a series of satanic murders took place years before. After playing around with a Haitian ouija board, called a "Devil’s Eye", Tom becomes possessed by a demon. Before you can say, "The Devil made me do it", he starts killing his friends in various bloody ways. One is beheaded by barb wire. Another is chopped up by a ceiling fan. Still another has an icicle shoved in his eye while yet another is hung by the neck on a volleyball net. The only one left is his fiancee (Dawn Laurrie). She escapes, which leads to a climatic snowmobile chase, where Tom is killed after being run over by a snowmaking machine(!). This low-budget regional film, originally titled THE CHILL FACTOR, was picked up for video release by A.I.P. Studios who re-edited it (adding some voice-over narration) and renamed it DEMON POSSESSED. It is neither good or bad, just an average little horror flick that has nothing new to offer fans of the genre. Director/producer Christopher Webster tries hard to use the snowy locales to good effect, but without a good story (here supplied by Julian Weaver) all that you get is some nice scenery shots. This is the type of film you rent when nothing else can be found at the video store. That’s what happened to me. Also starring David Fields, Eve Montgomery, Connie Snyder and Jim Cagle. An A.I.P. Home Video Release. Not Rated, but the gore and nudity never go beyond R  territory.

DEMON SLAYER (2002) - Standard latter-day New Concorde horror flick about five juvenile delinquents who are sent to rennovate an abandoned mental hospital on a special work release program. If they stay there for three days and do their jobs adequately, they will get probation for their crimes. They are the typical cliche group of horror movie teens: The Goth Chick; The Punk; The Brotha; The Bitch; and The Bitch's Friend. Alicia (Michelle Acuna), the Goth chick, begins having visions of people in robes performing some type of satanic ritual. As the five teens bicker amongst themselves, there seems to be something roaming the vacant halls (displayed as distorted POV shots) and the adult supervisors, including tough cripple Mr. Cobb (Layon Gray) and Father Patricio (Robert Eaton) pay them no mind, although it's clear that two of them, Patricio and the mysterious Father Enrique (Joaquin Garrido), know more than they are saying. Alicia finds a photo book and a diary that both chart the history of the hospital and it's not pleasant because anyone who have lived in this area (including when it was a bordello) have died horribly. It's not long before a supernatural force begins possessing and killing the teens and the supervisors while Alicia tries to find out how she is involved with the history of this place. A standard "surprise" ending follows.  Routine in every aspect, DEMON SLAYER panders to the lowest common denominator when it comes to the exploitation aspects. The frequent nudity is here to get your mind off the fact that nothing happens for the first hour, besides a brief bloody killing in the first five minutes. The dialogue consists of lines such as "Fuck you!", "What the hell is going on here?", "Fuck you, bitch!", "Ain't this some shit!", "Up yours!" and a couple of more variants of the word "fuck". Phillip (Adam Huss), the punk, is fond of spouting lines from other films, including THE EXORCIST (1973) and "The Wolfman's got nards!" line from THE MONSTER SQUAD (1987). Why he does it only writer /director James Cotten (a recent grad of the Los Angeles Film School) can answer. My best guess is that he had watched SCREAM one too many times. The violence in this film, when it finally does appear, is bloody but unconvincing. Arms and legs are cut off with an axe, someone's spine is ripped out, a giant CGI spider crawls out of another's mouth, various body part munching from some hooker zombies and a screwdriver to the forehead. The film is full of that foggy neon lighting and solarized flashback footage that recent horror films are so fond of using. Although played broadly enough to be considered a comedy, most of the lines fall flat although I did chuckle when asked by Phillip what is rolling down the hall, Father Enrique answers, "It's a baby carriage from Hell!" It's an OK time-waster that pops-up every now and then on the Sci-Fi Network in edited form (without the nudity and extreme violence, it must be a big snooze), so if you must watch this, rent the DVD. SEE NO EVIL, the film starring WWE wrestler Kane, used a similar storyline four years later. Also starring Harold Williams Jr. (the Brotha), Hannah Lee (the Bitch) and Monique DeVille (the Bitch's Friend). A New Concorde Release. Rated R.

DEMONWARP (1988) - Forget trying to make sense of the title and just enjoy this off-the-wall horror outing. One hundred years ago a spaceship crash landed in the woods. A traveling preacher sees the craft and disappears. Cut to the present and proud father George Kennedy (yes, that George Kennedy!) sees his daughter killed and taken away by a bigfoot creature. A bunch of teenagers rent the same cabin where the bigfoot attack took place and soon they are also attacked by the bigfoot, the majority of them being killed and taken away. The rest of them team up with George Kennedy, who has set up camp nearby in hopes of killing the bigfoot in retribution for the death of his daughter. But all is not what it seems. It turns out that the alien whose spacecraft crash landed one hundred years ago is still alive and is turning all the humans into zombie slaves so they can fix his ship. The preacher from the beginning is still alive and has not aged. He performs sacrifices on some humans, cutting out their hearts and feeding them to the alien. The alien also has the power to turn any human into a bigfoot, thereby providing him with a way to kidnap and kill campers (including an almost always nude Michelle Bauer) and keep his supply of zombie workers. Nearly everyone dies and the film ends on is it or is it not a dream finale. There's a lot to like here: Plenty of nudity, a great bigfoot costume (by John Carl Buechler, who also wrote the story the screenplay is based on), lots of gore including heads and various body parts being ripped off and a really one-of-a-kind storyline that makes you want to stayed glued to the tube, so you don't miss anything. I had to watch it twice just to get some of the little nuances in the story, such as why the bigfoot didn't kill the main teenager Jack (David Michael O'Neill) when he had the chance in the cabin. This is by far director Emmett Alston's best film, having made NEW YEAR'S EVIL (1980) and a bunch of forgettable ninja films in the 80's. He also wrote the screenplay for the creepy terror-in-the-woods film HUNTER'S BLOOD (1987). This film is a must for any discriminating horror fan and may be the most unusual film of the late 80's. Also starring Pamela Gilbert (also nude a lot), Billy Jacoby (a killer Jack Nicholson imitation), Colleen McDermott, Hank Stratton and John Durban as the preacher. A Vidmark Entertainment Home Video Release. Not Rated for all the right reasons.

DEMON WARRIOR (1987) - Good, old Texas. Home of George Bush (Sr. & Jr.), a legal system quick to put you to death if you spit on the sidewalk (or if you are retarded), gun racks on prepubescents' tricycles and an oil well in everyone's backyard. Of course, not everything about Texas is a cheap joke. Texas was (and still is) a hotbed of low-budget genre filmmaking. Directors such as Larry Buchanan (ZONTAR: THE THING FROM VENUS - 1966; CURSE OF THE SWAMP CREATURE - 1966; IN THE YEAR 2889 - 1967; IT'S ALIVE! - 1969) and S.F. Brownrigg (DON'T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT - 1973; KEEP MY GRAVE OPEN - 1973; POOR WHITE TRASH PART II - 1974; DON'T OPEN THE DOOR - 1975) are probably the best-known low-budget Texas auteurs. There have also been many Texas-lensed "one-shot wonders", including MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE (1966), NIGHT FRIGHT (1967), ENTER THE DEVIL (1974), FUTURE KILL (1984), NAIL GUN MASSACRE (1985), R.O.T.O.R. (1987) and FOREVER EVIL (1987), not to mention the most famous Texas feature of them all, THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974). Which brings us to this film. From the opening shot, where the camera lovingly pans over a variety of firearms and ammo, to the actors' accents, where everyone calls each other "son" or "mam", you know you are about to witness something strictly Texan. Unfortunately, director/producer/co-scripter Frank Patterson forgot the cardinal rule of horror filmmaking: Cut to the chase and get to the good stuff. Neil Willard (Wiley M. Pickett) and girlfriend Sarah (Leslie Mullin) bring some friends to Neal's family property (who the locals refer to as "The Old Willard Place") for a weekend hunting trip (This is Texas after all. What else would they do on their weekends?). There have been many unexplained deadly "accidents" on the property in the past, but since Neal is not a superstitious man, he decides to ignore all the warnings and put his friends' lives in jeopardy. It seems the Willard propery use to belong to the local Indians and Neal's ancestors forced them off the land which made an Indian shaman put a curse on the property. A "Demon Warrior" (Lee Barret) inhabits the property, killing anyone who steps foot on it (Don't try to rationalize it or you'll go crazy). It's not long before the Demon starts killing Neal's friends using various Indian methods (death by stone sacrificial knife, arrow and tomahawk). The sudden appearance of a friendly Indian (Jon Langione) proves beneficial to Neal and Sarah, the only two people in the hunting party still left alive. He explains to the duo that the legend of the land is true and only he can lift the curse. As he performs an ancient ritual his grandfather taught him, the Indian is shot in the chest with an arrow by the Demon. Neal grabs the Indian's bow and shoots an arrow at the Demon, who grabs the arrow in mid-air and disappears in a bolt of lightning. The dying Indian informs Neal and Sarah that the curse is now lifted. Umm......what?!?  More silly than scary, DEMON WARRIOR is a lethargically-paced horror film that takes forever to get to the first killing and when it does, the camera pulls away before we see anything. Director Frank Patterson (BLACK SNOW - 1989), who co-wrote the script with Mark Baird and Alan Stewart (who directed the Texas-lensed horror western GHOST RIDERS [1987], on which Frank Patterson was Associate Producer and Music Composer), tries to inject some drama into the tired plot by having Sarah and Neal's best friend Brent (Jerry R. Coiteux) express their love for each other behind Neal's back, but when Brent is killed by the Demon (an arrow in his chest), Neal later tells Sarah while they are sitting around a campfire that he knew about her infidelity, but he wanted to see how it "played out" before he confronted her. I guess the advantage goes to Neal! To further stretch the boundaries of believability, the Indian that arrives to save Neal and Sarah tells them that he is actually a wealthy investment banker! The Demon is basically nothing but bodybuilder Lee Barret dressed in a tiny buckskin loincloth with some horribly lame-assed makeup applied to his face. It one of the worse monsters that I have ever seen and it sometimes reminded me of the turkey monster in BLOOD FREAK (1972). There's also minimal gore (just a couple of arrow impalements and a tomahawk to the head), one of the limpest finales in horror film history (Really, I can't remember when another film left me saying, "Is that it?") and only one instant of nudity (in the beginning of the film, no less!). The acting is amateurish (try not to laugh when Jerry R. Coiteux is shot with an arrow and says to his friend, "Hassmiler, help me!" in one of the weakest cries for help my ears have ever heard) and the only halfway decent thing about this film is a pretty good car crash/explosion. Faint praise for a totally lackluster regional horror flick. Which just proves that not everything that comes out of Texas is big. Also starring John Garrett, Bruce Carbonara, Vonda Borski, Martin Smith and Robert Lee Seglar. A Monarch Home Video Release that's thankfully not available on DVD. Not Rated.

THE DENTIST (1996) - Funny and gory horror film that has a great over-the-top performance by Corbin Bernsen. He plays a high-price dentist (all his office rooms have themes, such as the jungle, opera house, etc) who goes mad when he catches his wife screwing the pool man. He imagines that all his female patients are his wife and punishes them graphically with his dentistry tools. Bernsen must also deal with a greedy IRS agent (Earl Boen) and a cop (Ken Foree) who is investigating a string of burglaries in his upperclass neighborhood. This film works because it preys on everyone’s fear of going to the dentist. Filled with gory close-ups of oral mutilations (teeth unnecessarily being pulled, overdrilling a tooth down to the gum line) and the sounds that go with it, this film would be very hard to watch if it weren’t for the frequent black humor, the excellent off-kilter cinematography and Bernsen’s performance of a man’s descent into madness. I’ve seen Bernsen turn in some telegraphed performances in some of his B-films (see KOUNTERFEIT as an example), but here he seems to be enjoying himself and it shows. Director Brian Yuzna (SOCIETY - 1989) does an unusually good job of displaying patients’ anxieties and fears as they sit in the waiting room ignorant of the fact that those anxieties and fears will soon come true. Stuart Gordon receives co-story credit, which explains the frequent touches of black humor. This film makes it very difficult to take your eyes off the screen, even if you find yourself want to (and you will). Also starring Linda Hoffman and Michael Stadvec. Yuzna directed a sequel, THE DENTIST 2 in 1998, but it is no where near as good as the original. It plays like a bastardization of THE STEPFATHER. Both DENTIST 1 & 2 made their premiere on HBO and are available on VHS and DVD from Vidmark Entertainment. Rated R.

THE DESCENT (2005) - For those of you that really despised THE CAVE (2005), try this horror film as an alternative, a really jolting sophomore effort by director Neil Marshall, who made the excellent werewolf film DOG SOLDIERS (2002). A group of women get together every year on vacation to do some extreme sport. Last year they went white water rafting and one of the women, Sarah (Shauna Macdonald) loses her husband and daughter on the trip home in a truly shocking accident. The next year, the women get together in the Appalachian Mountains (actually filmed in Scotland and on film stages in Pinewood Studios, England) to explore some newly discovered cave. Sarah is still not over her loss but decides to go on the trip to get her mind off of it. What they discover down there will leave you gasping for breath, as Sarah and her mates must fight off some human-like blind creatures (their origin is never explained, but they may have been the decendants of some lost explorers who were in the cave 100 years earlier, known as "crawlers" in the end credits), a cave-in, as well as some infighting among themselves. Only we, the viewers, know that Sarah is experiencing flashbacks and hallucinations of her daughter's birthday (we see her blowing out the candles on her cake as a symbolic gesture of giving up), but the real menace (beside the creatures taste for human flesh) is expedition leader Juno (Natalie Mendoza), who is harboring some secrets of her own and commits one of the worst bits of violence in this film. It all ends on a final note of desperation, the only logical conclusion for the film. Now the bad news: Lions Gate is releasing the film to theaters in the US devoid of the downbeat ending (they plan on including it as an extra when they release it on DVD). I can think of no better time to buy a multi-region DVD player than now. I'm tired of film companies like Lions Gate and Dimension Films giving us watered-down tripe so American audiences can walk out of the movie happy. I don't know about you, but I don't mind using my brain while watching films. Back to the movie: Marshall directs with a sure hand with an all-female cast and builds atmosphere by using only available light, greatly enhancing the tension and making you jump at certain sections of the film. The creatures are amazing and move quickly, but the women hold their own against them until they are separated. Soon, scenes of gut-munching (gory, but shot in a way not to give away too much), crossing crevasses to escape the terror and unexpected bits of violence by the women soon follow. Marshall is to be congratulated for making a film about women with grit and character, which makes their deaths all the more shocking. Well done and must viewing for any horror fan. Also starring Alex Reid, Saskia Mulder, MyAnna Buring, Nora-Jane Noone and Molly Kayll. Skip the Lions Gate DVD and get the English DVD from Pathe Distribution, Ltd. (available from amazon.co.uk). Rated R.

DETOUR (2003) - Not bad little independent horror film which owes a lot to THE HILLS HAVE EYES (1977) and the then recently-opened theatrical release WRONG TURN (2003). A bunch of teenagers, returning from a rave in the desert, make a detour to try to find a lost stash of peyote (!?). Their RV breaks down (of course) and they are left stranded in the desert. Unfortunately, there's also a bunch of cannibals on the loose and begin to pick-off the teens. An obnoxious, ghetto-talking white boy named Loopz (Aaron Buer), becomes one of the unlikely heroes, helping the two remaining girls kill-off the cannibalistic clan, whose flesh-hunger seems to be caused by some unknown chemicals that are leaking by a nearby mineshaft. Initially slow-going, the film picks up in the second half dramatically as people are run over, dismembered, disemboweled, impaled, shot and generally chopped-up. Buer gives a grating performance in the beginning and you think that he will be one of the early victims. Director/screenwriter S. Lee Taylor (THE SURGE - 2002) surprises us by making him one of the main characters who saves the day, as he transforms from a jive-talking jerk into someone who begins to see that becoming a hero is not a simple job. The other young actors, including Ashley Elizabeth, Brent Taylor (who bears a striking resemblance to Leonardo DiCaprio), Danna Brady, Kelsey Wedeen and Jessica Osfar do a good job for such a low budget flick. The girls are especially pretty and look good in the skimpy clothes that they wear. There's also plenty of humor, as when Taylor goes off on his own and spots a sign that reads: "Trespassers Will Be Eaten". Director of Photography Cort Fey (COLD CASE TV Series) does a nice job in establishing tension and mood in the desert settings. Featuring plenty of blood and body parts, DETOUR (originally known as HELL'S HIGHWAY) is a good bet for non-discriminating horror fans. An MTI Video Release. Rated R.

DEVIL FISH (1984) - This unredeemable Italian/French co-production is a laughably bad rip-off of JAWS. Something resembling a squid with a shark's head is biting off the arms and legs of unsuspecting fishermen and pleasure boaters in the waters off a coastal Florida town. An oceanographer (John Garko), dolphin expert (Valentine Monnier) and electronics genius (Michael Sopkiw) try to capture the creature so they can identify it. They are constantly thwarted by employees at a research laboratory who have genetically produced this monster in hopes of controlling the world's oceans. When it is discovered that this tentacled terror is able to reproduce by itself, our heroes must find a way to destroy it before it dominates and destroys the marine population. Who will live and who will die? Who gives a shit? This slow moving catastrophe contains the phoniest looking monster you are ever likely to see. It makes the creatures in THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH look absolutely polished. It does have some nudity and gore, but not enough to keep your eyes on the screen rather than the clock. Director John Old Jr. is really Lamberto Bava, who also made the vastly superior FROZEN TERROR (aka MACABRA) and DEMONS 1 & 2. One gets the feeling that Bava is only slumming here. Top-billed Sopkiw and Monnier can both be seen in Sergio Martino's AFTER THE FALL OF NEW YORK. DEVIL FISH is also known as MONSTER SHARK, RED OCEAN and DEVOURING WAVES. It stinks under any title. A Vidmark Entertainment Release. Not Rated.

THE DEVIL'S WEDDING NIGHT (1973) - An archaeologist, travels to Castle Dracula in Transylvania in search of' the Niebulungen Ring, which gives the wearer untold powers as long as they denounce love. At the castle he meets the Countess and proceeds to make love to her. He discovers the ring on her finger and she turns into a bat. He ends up buried alive in a crypt. His twin brother comes to the castle looking for hIm. He becomes suspicious when the Countess tells him that his brother has left the castle. He rescues his brother from the crypt not knowing that he is too late. His brother has become a vampire. Meanwhile, the Countess uses the ring to lure all the town's virgins (apparently there were plenty of them in the 19th century) to her castle to prepare for a black mass wedding. She plans to marry the archaeologist. The twin brothers fight. Who will survive? Mark Damon (BLACK SABBATH, CRYPT OF THE LIVING DEAD) essays the roles of the twin brothers and buxom Sara Bay (LADY FRANKENSTEIN) is the Countess in this fairly routine Italian period piece spiced up somewhat by arty camera angles and flashy editing. There is plenty of nudity but it was severely edited for U.S. release. Director Luigi Batzella (listed here under the pseudonym Paul Solvay) also made NUDE FOR SATAN (1974), SS HELL CAMP (1977 - as Ivan Kathansky) and many others. Screenwriter Ralph Zucker, who directed the excellent TERROR CREATURES FROM THE GRAVE, also executive produced and supervised the English language version of THE DEVIL'S WEDDING NIGHT. One note of warning: The print quality of the VCI transfer is very scratchy and is distracting to the eyes. A VCI Home Video Release. Rated R.

DEVIL TIMES FIVE (1974) - This often overlooked 70's sicko really deserves a place on every horror fans' mantle. Thanks to Code Red, this film is now available on DVD for everyone to enjoy. The story is rather simple: A group of psychotic kids, who escape after their van slides in the snow and rolls down the side of a mountain, invade the deep-in-the-woods winter home of iron-fisted patriarch Papa Doc (Gene Evans) and proceed to kill the residents. Papa Doc's group are a veritable smorgasborde of stereotypes: Family suck-up Harvey (the DUKES OF HAZZARD's "Boss Hogg", Sorrell Booke) and his alcoholic wife Ruth (Shelley Morrison), nymphomaniac Lovely (Carolyn Steller), good-girl daughter Julie (Joan McCall) and her good-guy boyfriend Rick (Taylor Lachler), and mentally retarded (and abused) servant Ralph (John Durren). When the kids first enter the home, they are treated as poor helpless tots, but it soon becomes clear that they are way more dangerous than meets the eye. David (Leif Garrett, already an established child star [and future rock star and flameout]) likes to play chess and is a closet transvestite. Hannah (Gail Smale) likes to dress as a nun but is not above using a butcher knife. Moe (Dawn Lyn) likes to play with her doll but likes playing with dead bodies more. Susan (Tia Thompson) likes to play with a lighter and Briann (Tierre Turner) likes to carry a toy rifle and thinks he's in the military. When Ralph is found dead (hanged by a boobytrapped generator) as well as the phone disconnected, the family become suspicious of the kids, and rightly so. Papa Doc's collection of rifles end up missing as does all of the sharp-edged silverware (Rick wryly says to Papa Doc: "I hope you can butter your toast with a spoon."). Soon they all end up dead thanks to piranhas in the bathtub (!), an ingenious use of a scythe, being soaked with gasoline and set afire, a child-made spear and bear traps capped-off by a throat slashing. The most unusual death comes in the beginning when one of the surviving doctors in the accident tries to warn the people in the house, only to be attacked by the kids with garden and construction tools. The scene turns to black-and-white and slow-motion as the kids stab and whack the doctor with a pitchfork, a sledgehammer, a claw hammer and other instruments until he slowly dies. I was also taken aback that the kids would first target Ralph, the person who would probably cause the least resistance due to his mental state. These kids mean business! Director Sean MacGregor (NIGHTMARE COUNTY - 1971; GENTLE SAVAGE - 1973) infuses enough perverse situations (Garrett in drag; the intense piranha kill sequence) and, surprisingly, no female nudity (but there is a instance of male nudity) to hold your attention throughout, even if the screenplay (by co-star John Durren and Sandra Lee Blowitz) has enough holes to pass a train through. But, all things considered, this is a great example of 70's sleaze that could never get made today. Also known as PEOPLETOYS (which makes sense if you've seen it) and THE HORRIBLE HOUSE ON THE HILL. Also available on VHS from Media Home Entertainment in the SP speed and Video Treasures in the EP speed and as part of Mill Creek's 50-movie DVD compilation CHILLING CLASSICS (which looks like a dupe of Media's VHS). Stick with the DVD from Code Red. It's widescreen and looks beautiful. Rated R.

DIARY OF THE DEAD (2007) - This is director/screenwriter George A. Romero's fifth DEAD film (it follows LAND OF THE DEAD - 2005), but it doesn't follow the timeline of the previous four films. Instead, it reboots the story and starts from scratch, telling the tale of the living dead infecting the Earth through the lenses of cameras being used by film school student Jason Creed (Joshua Close) and his crew, who are making a low-budget mummy horror film on digital video when the real zombie outbreak begins. Pretty soon, Jason and his crew, including girlfriend Debra (Michelle Morgan), begin documenting the ensuing madness as they try to escape to safety in their RV. When their friend Mary (Tatiana Maslany) tries to commit suicide by shooting herself in the head, they drive her to the nearest hospital, only to find that it is overrun with zombies. As their numbers begin to dwindle, Jason, Debra and the remaining crew get back in the RV and have several close calls, first with a deaf Amish man (who supplies the only bit of humor in the entire film), then with a group of African American survivalists in the forest (Their leader tells the crew, "For the first time, we've got the power!"), then an unpleasant trip to Debra's family home (where Mom is chowing-down on Pop and her little brother attacks Debra before getting an arrow in the head) and, finally, a run-in with some nasty National Guardsmen. The crew finally settle-in at the isolated mansion of actor Ridley's (Phillip Riccio) rich parents. The mansion has security cameras in every room and Debra notices that Ridley is acting weird (Was the first clue that he's still in his mummy costume?). It turns out he's been bitten and turns into a zombie, shuffling around the mansion in his mummy costume, biting Jason and forcing Debra to finish Jason's film on her own and warn the world that in order for us to defeat the zombies, we first must learn to treat each other as "human" beings and not as disposable "product". Debra concludes the film by asking, "Are we worth saving? You tell me." as we watch footage of two hunters shooting tied-up zombies for kicks.  This is a low-budget, but highly effective horror film that, thankfully, doesn't induce the same "shakey-cam" queasiness or headache-inducing effect as THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999) or CLOVERFIELD (2007) did, even if it uses the same "found footage" premise as those films. George Romero is much more crafty here, using a mixture of handheld cameras, including regular retail video cameras, professional digital video cameras and even camera phones, with fixed cameras, such as the mansion's security cameras, and even YouTube, to tell his tale. First and foremost, this is a horror film, but it is also a parable about modern society's need to catch everything on camera, as if to say, "If it's not documented on video, it can't be very important." We are a culture of video on demand (thanks to the internet) and our constant desire to view everything immediately or when it suits us comes with dire consequences. The character of Jason Creed represents that need. As his friends and colleagues fall victim to the zombie horde, not once does he put the camera down and offer help. Instead, he rolls tape, callously catching footage of his friends dying or shooting zombified friends in the head. He becomes an extension of the camera, as he inoculates himself from all human emotions, proving to be just as hungry as the zombies, except his hunger is for the "perfect shot". Only Debra seems to understand the gravity of the situation and DIARY OF THE DEAD is actually her document of the entire affair. She edits all of Jason's footage, along with TV news clips and other people's home video footage (including a child's birthday that turns nasty when the hired clown turns out to be a zombie), to form a cautionary tale warning any potential survivors in the world that the living may be more dangerous than the living dead. If this film has a fault, it's that Romero augments the practical gore effects with way too much CGI enhancement, which is a disappointment since Romero and practical effects use to go hand-in-hand. Too many of the gore effects (and there are many) have noticeable CGI help, including the deaf Amish guy's death by scythe and a lot of CGI blood, which gives the deaths a fake, plastic feel. Still I admire the new direction Romero has taken the series, offering an up-to-date revision of his ground breaking 1968 classic. Low in budget, but not low in imagination. Many genre directors, including Wes Craven, Guillermo del Toro, Stephen King and Quentin Tarantino, put in voice cameos as TV newsreaders. Also starring Shawn Roberts, Amy Lalonde, Joe Dinicol, Scott Wentworth, Chris Violette, Todd William Schroeder and Romero in a cameo as a police chief on a TV screen. A Dimension Extreme Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.

DR. BLACK MR. HYDE (1976) - Dr. Henry Pride (Bernie Casey; HITMAN - 1972) is a noted researcher who is working on a serum that will regenerate dead liver cells, thereby curing deadly liver diseases (one which killed his mother). While treating prostitute Linda Monte (Marie O'Henry) on one of her weekly hospital visits (she has a minor liver disease), Dr. Pride is chastised by Linda for acting too "white" and she tells him to loosen up a little. Little do they both know that what she said will come all too true. When Dr. Pride injects one of his mice (a white one) with the newest version of his serum, it becomes agressive, bites Dr. Pride and then kills all the other rats (all black) in it's cage. After seeing the results of his latest experiment, Dr. Pride decides he needs a "human factor", so he injects a terminally ill elderly black woman in the hospital with his serum, turning her into a homicidal albino (!), who attacks a nurse and then dies. Dr. Pride's lab assistant/wannabe lover, Dr. Billie Worth (Rosalind Cash), makes a remark that maybe the old woman's heart was too weak, so, like all mad doctors, Dr. Pride injects himself with the serum, transforming him into a superhuman murderous honky (!), Mr. Hyde (his alter ego's name is never mentioned once in the film, though). Mr. Hyde hops into his Rolls Royce and goes looking for Linda, stopping long enough to beat the crap out of three black thugs who try to rob him. Linda has problems of her own, as her ex-pimp Silky (Stu Gilliam) tries to talk her into working for scumbag drug dealer Preston (Marc Alaimo). When Mr. Hyde finds Linda at her nightclub hangout, a huge fight breaks out and Mr. Hyde throws everyone (including Silky) around like ragdolls until Silky cuts him with a switchblade and a few minutes later he turns back into Dr. Pride (and no one recognizes him!). Dr. Pride brings Linda back to his house and tries to inject her with the serum but, when Dr. Pride injects himself with the serum (to prove it's harmless) and turns into Mr. Hyde, Linda runs away. Suddenly, there are a series of prostitute murders in the area and the cops assigned to the case, Lt. Jackson (Ji-Tu Cumbuka) and Lt. O'Connor (Milt Kogan), try to find out who is behind the killings and put an end to the bloodshed. They get help from Linda, who tells the cops the whole story. At first they don't believe her, but Lt. Jackson decides to check it out. After interviewing Dr. Worth, Lt. Jackson becomes convinced that Linda is telling the truth. Dr. Pride is no longer able to separate himself from his alter ego, so he hunts down Linda and is killed in a hail of police gunfire.  This is one of the last horror blaxploitation flicks to get a theatrical release and, since it was directed by William Crain, who kick-started the genre with BLACULA (1972), this film is not without it's merits. It's not as well-made and acted as BLACULA (Ji-Tu Cumbaka is pretty bad here and star Bernie Casey looks to be sleepwalking through his role), but the screenplay (by Larry LeBron) has a lot of comical, as well as serious, touches. My favorite scene is when Mr. Hyde chases Silky down in his Rolls Royce and pins him against the wall. As Mr. Hyde puts his car into reverse for one more hit on the seriously-injured pimp, Silky pulls out his switchblade in defiance, as if a sliver of metal could stop a ton of charging steel. Even though I can sympathize with Dr. Pride's motivation for developing the serum (He delivers an impassioned speech about his mother's sad life to Linda while they are in his car.), I have to say that the way he goes about achieving those goals doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense. I can see his interest in Linda, since she suffers from liver disease, but why the hell would he inject himself when he's healthy as an ox? My favorite bit of dialogue comes when Lt. Jackson tells his partner that they are probably dealing with a "haint". Lt. O'Connor turns to him and says, "What the fuck is a haint?" Jackson replies, "That's a cross between the Abominable Snowman and Willie the Werewolf!" Although the film's not very bloody, it is violent and the scene where Mr. Hyde kills a police dog and tosses it's lifeless body in front of a shocked crowd of cops is very well done. The finale takes place on the world-famous Watts Towers in California and the film was later retitled THE WATTS MONSTER to capitalize on it. Bernie Casey's transformation into Mr. Hyde (makeup by Stan Winston) is quite simple: Just pancake makeup on his face and arms (with an undersized jacket on his torso, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows), a salt-and-pepper afro and white contact lenses. Not very convincing or frightening, but it is unintentionally funny. Rosalind Cash (DEATH SPA - 1988) is wasted in a thankless role. Still, DR. BLACK MR. HYDE is a fun little time capsule of an era in filmmaking where horror films were made for a black audience, but everyone could enjoy them. Not like the "urban action" films made today where you need subtitles to understand what is being said (Curse you, Snoop Dogg!). Also starring Elizabeth Robinson, Della Thomas, Sam Laws and Bob Minor (also the Stunt Coordinator). A VCI Home Video Release. Rated R.

DR. JEKYLL AND THE WOLFMAN (1971) - English newlyweds Imre and Justine decide to spend their honeymoon in Imre's home town of Baliavasta, located in Transylvania. While visiting the gravesite of his parents, Imre is attacked and killed by three brothers robbing his car. Justine is nearly raped by the three when Waldemar Daninsky (Paul Naschy) steps in, kills two of them and saves her. He brings Justine back to his castle and looks after her, along with an old witch who also lives there. The surviving brother vows revenge and brings two friends to the castle looking to rob Waldemar, then kill him. Too bad they decided to do this during a full moon. Waldemar turns into a werewolf and kills the two friends, but the surviving brother escapes again. Waldemar opens up to Justine about his affliction when she sees him turn into a werewolf from her bedroom window. The brother kills the witch woman (he cuts her head off and parades it around on a stick) and gets the townpeople to storm the castle. Justine and Waldemar escape and Justine brings him back to London. Justine goes to her good friend Dr. Henry Jekyll (Jack Taylor) and asks him to try to help Waldemar find a cure for his condition. Skeptical at first, Dr. Jekyll invites Waldemar to come to his office for tests. Waldemar gets accidentally stuck in an elevator on the way to Jekyll's office and turns into a werewolf, slaughters the nurse trapped in there with him and eventually escapes, beginning a reign of terror the newspapers are calling "Worse than Jack The Ripper". Dr. Jekyll uses an altered version of the serum his grandfather invented on Waldemar and turns him into Mr. Hyde who, with the help of Jekyll's jealous female assistant Sandra, escapes and begins his psychopathic urge to kill women, eventually turning his attention toward Justine. Can Waldemar fight off both his Mr. Hyde and werewolf personalities and find true love with Justine? You just know this will all turn out badly.  This is the sixth in the series of the exploits of Waldemar Daninsky and it is probably the tamest, until the final third, that is. Directed by Leon Klimovsky, who directed Naschy in WEREWOLF SHADOW (1970), one of the better Daninsky sagas, he keeps the nudity and most of the gruesomeness to a minimum until the final 30 minutes, when it really kicks into gear. Mr. Hyde's rape and eventual flogging of Justine certainly will wake you up if you were losing interest. Naschy chews up his role of Mr. Hyde, walking the streets of modern London in his overcoat, ascot, hat and cane (with hidden sword), picking up prostitutes and killing them. He even tosses one unlucky lad into the Thames for a final swim. This is probably the most dated of the Daninsky flicks as he invades a mod discoteque (complete with go-go dancers) as Mr. Hyde, changes back to Waldemar Daninsky and then promptly turns into a werewolf in front of all the disco patrons' frightened eyes. If this film has one problem, it's that the Mr. Hyde angle is never satisfactorily concluded. Once he changes from Mr. Hyde back to the werewolf, the Hyde story is dropped as Daninsky bites Justine and, just before she kicks off, she pumps a couple of silver bullets into his chest and they die side-by-side. The bloodletting is sparse, limited to a head being crushed with a rock, a couple of torn throats (with pieces of bloody meat hanging from Naschy's mouth), an off-screen beheading, a couple of stabbings and Justine's topless flogging. This is a minor chapter in the Daninsky saga, but it does have it's good moments, enough to keep you entertained for 90 minutes. As with all the Daninsky films, this was written by Naschy using his real name, Jacinto Molina. Also known as DR. JEKYLL VS. THE WEREWOLF. Also starring Shirley Corrigan, Mirtha Miller, Luis Induni, Barta Barry and Jose Marco. The version I viewed was the unedited international version, still sporting the Spanish title DR. JEKYLL Y EL HOMBRE LOBO. I picked it up on eBay a couple of years ago. Not Rated.

DOGS (1976) - The 70's churned out plenty of "animals gone amok" films thanks to the success of JAWS (1975). Some were blatant rip-offs (GRIZZLY - 1976; CLAWS - 1977) and some were quite good (THE PACK - 1976; PIRANHA - 1977), but DOGS falls somewhere in the middle. Thanks to a top-secret government laboratory that's performing "high energy particle experiments", a small college town is experiencing rolling electrical blackouts and a series of unexplained mutilation deaths in both livestock and, eventually, people. Biologist Harlan Thompson (David McCallum; TV's NCIS) and hotshot new college professor Michael Fitzgerald (George Wyner; SPACEBALLS - 1987) try to figure out what is causing all these deaths, but it is obvious to the viewer early on that normally harmless domesticated dogs are responsible, as they seem to pack together at night with the singular purpose of ripping apart anything that crosses their path. What Harlan and Michael find so strange is that while the attacks are savage, none of the corpses seem to have been eaten, like the animals are killing not from hunger, but for the sake of killing. It's not long before our two heroes trace the cause of the attacks to the government facility and their extremely huge particle accelerator experiments, but they have a hard time convincing the powers-that-be of their concerns. That all changes when the canines at a local dog show break their leashes and attack their masters, but instead of listening to Harlan's advice of going home and locking their doors, some of the macho men form a hunting party, which leads to a mass dog attack where all those involved are savagely mauled to death. The dogs take over the town, attacking and slaughtering everyone they come in contact with. The dogs then turn their attention to the college campus, trapping all the students and faculty at the campus library, which leads to the deaths of nearly every person trapped there. Harlan and his girlfriend, Caroline (Sandra McCabe), flee the town and see nothing but death in their wake (including Michael's chewed-up body). The closing shot shows that's it's not just Fido that is now infected (Meow!).  DOGS (also known as SLAUGHTER) plays like a TV movie with lots of blood and foul language. Director Burt Brinckerhoff is better known for directing numerous TV movies (BRAVE NEW WORLD - 1980) and episodes of TV series throughout the 70's, 80's & 90's, so it should come as no surprise that this has the look and feel of a 70's Movie of the Week (As far as I can discern, Brinckerhoff has only one other non-TV credit in his extensive career, 1978's ACAPULCO GOLD). Like the similarly themed THE PACK, domesticated dogs turn nasty, and in order to pull it off on-screen, you have to make normally harmless-looking dogs seem deadly. While it may be easy to make Dobermans, German Shepherds and other larger canines look threatening, the trick is to make poodles, Jack terriers and other smaller dogs look the same way. That's where DOGS falls short. It's hard to take some of the attack scenes here seriously, especially when the little nippers are wagging their tails and look as happy as when they lick peanut butter off their trainer's private parts. Brinckerhoff doesn't hold back on the blood and shows the effects of the dog attacks in great detail (the attack on the campus library is very bloody), not to mention the scene of Michael accidentally shooting and killing a man when he is trying to shoot a dog, but most of the film is flat and bland. David McCallum sleepwalks through his role and Sandra McCabe is extremely bad in her debut film performance (She is one of the worst screamers in film history and had a very short acting career). I did like how excellent, unsung character actor George Wyner, who usually has small roles on TV and in films, is given the chance to shine here in one of his biggest film roles. He's the best thing about this film. Future DALLAS star Linda Gray has a small role as cocktease Miss Engle, who is attacked by dogs while taking a shower. She also supplies the film's only brief shot of nudity. Other 70's animals attack films include DAY OF THE ANIMALS (1977), THE BEASTS ARE IN THE STREETS (1977), MANEATERS ARE LOOSE (1978) and NIGHTWING (1979). Also starring Eric Server, Sterling Swanson, Holly Harris, Lance Hool, Barry Greenberg, Dean Santoro, Cathy Austin and Jim Stathis. The version on VHS from Genesis Home Video (under the title SLAUGHTER) is to be avoided at all costs. It's muddy and unwatchable. The budget fullscreen DVD release from Trinity Home Entertainment is a much better, if not perfect, choice. Rated R.

DOGS OF HELL (1982) - This is regional producer/star Earl Owensby's stab at the 3-D revival craze of the early 80's and, since it's his most violent and bloody film, it's also one of his best (in the realm of low-budget moviemaking, that's still not saying much). The government uses a commercial big rig to transport a pack of genetically altered rottweilers (bred to be the military's newest weapon) to a military laboratory in Fort Bragg. The truck crashes not too far from the summer resort town of Lake Lure in North Carolina, spilling it's cargo, setting the killer canines free to roam the countryside. The dogs attack and kill a group of models and a photographer camped out on a photo shoot. Lake Lure's sheriff, Hank Willis (Owensby), biggest problems used to be breaking up fights at the local bar's female mud wrestling contests or fining people for fishing without a license, but when local residents start turning up savagely torn to pieces, Sheriff Willis at first thinks he's dealing with a rogue cougar or a "knife-weilding psycho with sharp teeth" (um, what?). Compounding his problems are the government, who are being led on a wild goose chase by the head scientist in charge of the project, Dr. Fletcher (Bill Gribble), who wants to save his dogs and Sheriff Willis' rebellous son Ben (Mike Craig), who has been ignoring his father's commands as of late. Dr. Fletcher comes to town and offers his assistance to the sheriff, saying he never intended the dogs to be used as weapons. He has a device that makes the dogs docile and wants to capture the dogs alive, even if it means a few innocent people die in the process. Sheriff Willis forms a hunting party and head to a religious retreat that the local reverend is holding in the woods. They are able to kill one of the dogs, but not before they sink their teeth into a few people. When the dogs finally reach town and kill one of Sheriff Willis' closest friends (he responds by shooting the jaw off of one dog with a revolver that would make Dirty Harry proud), he gathers all the locals and tourists in the hunting lodge for a last stand against the dogs. He must also contend with the dastardly Dr. Fletcher, a raging fire in the lodge and his son, who is trapped in the attic with other people and the dogs close behind.  Owensby proves once again that he's a better producer than an actor. When he opens his mouth, the words don't matter, because his delivery is always the same: A monotone reading so wooden, you'll swear cedar chips fall out of his mouth every time he opens it. Owensby, who prided himself in making wholesome family films, definitely didn't follow that rule here, as the blood flows rather freely and the gore is graphic (but quick). People are torn apart, there's gaping wounds that spurt blood and when the dogs are shot, they don't just bleed, they explode. Many of the 3-D effects are incidental rather than integral to the plot (except in the finale) and consist of a pointer and darts thrust or thrown directly at the camera, some forced perspective shots and people and dogs crashing through windows. The dog attacks are handled pretty well, as the rottweilers actually look threatening and the aftermath is pretty gruesome. Owensby, who got his start with CHALLENGE (1973) and appeared in nearly all his productions, fancies himself a low-budget John Wayne and even quotes one of the Duke's most famous lines when he decks a drunk at the mud wrestling match. Director Worth Keeter worked steadily on many of Owensby's films, including directing him in the only other Owensby horror film, WOLFMAN (1979).  Even though very few of Owensby's films ever played theatrically above the Bible Belt, they were popular enough to make Owensby millions (estimates say he made about $70 million!) and home video opened up a whole new fan base for him. DOGS OF HELL (aka: ROTTWEILER) is one of his best, although I'm still stymied why one of the characters says, "Whitefish and golf don't mix." Also starring Robert Bloodworth, Kathy Hasty, Ed Lilliard, Donna O'Neal, Ashley Blythe and Brownlee Davis. A Media Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.

DOLLY DEAREST (1991) - Eliot Read (Sam Bottoms) moves his family from Los Angeles to Mexico to start production on a line of dolls he hopes will make him rich (NAFTA raises its ugly head again). His assembly plant is located next to a Mayan escavation site where a week before a man was killed opening a tomb, unleashing an evil spirit. That spirit occupies the body of Dolly, a life-like doll that Eliot gives to his daughter Jessica (Candy Hutson) when they tour the plant. Soon Jessica begin to act strange. She has an aversion to crucifixes and religious people, talks back to her mother Marilyn (Denise Crosby) and spends a lot of time conversing with Dolly in the backyard dollhouse. Jessica's suspicious brother Jimmy (Chris Demetral) teams up with an archaeologist (Rip Torn) to explore the opened tomb. They discover that it is the tomb of the Devil Child, leader of a group of ancient Satan worshippers known as the Sanzia. Marilyn also joins forces with the archaeologist when she realizes that her daughter is becoming possessed by the Sanzia (Jessica threatens to kill her mother if she takes Dolly away from her). Satan plans on making Jessica the new Devil Child. It's a race against time as Marilyn and Jimmy try to separate Jessica from Dolly, while Eliot has to contend with a factory full of Dollys come to life. The comparisons between this film and CHILD'S PLAY are so obvious that nothing else needs to be said on the matter. The flick's main distinction is that it has a woman director (Maria Lease), a rare commodity in the horror film business (Mary Lambert's PET SEMATARY [also starring Denise Crosby], Marina Sargento's MIRROR, MIRROR and Hope Perello's HOWLING 6: THE FREAKS are other examples). DOLLY DEAREST was produced by Daniel Cady, who also produced 1972's GRAVE OF THE VAMPIRE and GARDEN OF THE DEAD. Lee Frost (PRIVATE OBSESSION - 1995) was the production supervisor. While too derivitive to be original, DOLLY DEAREST is nonetheless worth a look if nothing better can be found of the shelves. Rip Torn is one of the few actors that can appear in video fodder like this and still remain respectable enough to appear in A films. A Vidmark Entertainment Release. Rated R.

DON'T PANIC (1987) - Michael Smith (Jon Michael Bischof, who also wrote and sings the title tune) and his alcoholic mother (Helen Rojo) have moved to Mexico following a divorce. During the conclusion of his 17th birthday party, after some hesitation on Michael's part, he and his friends fool around with an ouija board, but nothing happens. Mom chases the kids out of the house and we then see the ouija board's planchette move by itself, eventually flying through the air. Thanks to something that happened in his past that only he and friend Tony (Juan Ignacio Aranda) know about, Michael believes in the Devil, and has even given him a nickname: "Virgil". It's not long before Michael begins having terrible nightmares of bloody hands bursting through his bedroom ceiling and knives being thrusted into the bodies of his friends and he wakes up with terrible headaches. But are these nightmares or prophecies of things to come? Michael falls in love with beautiful schoolmate Alex (Gabriela Hassel) and pops her cherry in his bedroom. He gives her a single red rose and says to her, "As long as there is love between you and I, this rose will never wither." (Wow. If I were in high school and popped a girl's cherry in my bedroom, that would be the last thing on my mind! Besides, what teenage boy talks like that anyway?). Michael has a vision (whenever he gets a vision, the pupils of his eyes turn blood red) of his friend Debbie (Cecilia Tijerini) being viciously slashed to death in her bedroom (the knife ends up buried in the top of her head). Michael begins popping Tylenol like they were candy and takes to wearing sunglasses all the time, even when he is indoors. A head pokes through his TV set and tells him that his friend Cristy (Melinda McCallum) will die if he doesn't take her out of town by midnight. This puts a strain on his budding relationship with Alex and Mom makes him go to a doctor for a checkup, who then tells Mom that David needs to see a psychiatrist and pronto! When Cristy is killed with the same strange knife as Debbie, Michael tells his Mom that he thinks best friend Tony is possessed by Virgil and is responsible for the killings. Rather than believe him, sauced-up Mom has the doctor sedate him and when his father, Fred (Eduardo Noriega), shows up, things take a turn for the worse. While Mom and Dad are downstairs arguing, Cristy's brother, John (Roberto Palazuelos), kidnaps Michael thinking he is responsible for his sister's death. Michael is able to convince John otherwise and they go off in search of the possessed Tony. The only way to defeat Tony/Virgil is to kill him with the same knife he has been using to kill everyone else. Personally, I wanted to use the knife on all those responsible for making me sit through this 87 minute abortion.  This horror flick, directed by Ruben Galindo Jr. after his CEMETERY OF TERROR (1984; footage of this film appears briefly on a TV screen here) and before his GRAVE ROBBERS (1989), suffers because of the terrible acting of lead Jon Michael Bischof (although he's not the only offender), some rather convenient (and unbelievable) plot contrivances and because it was filmed in English rather than it's native Spanish. It's apparent that co-scripter Galindo Jr. (working with Bruce Glenn) didn't have a handle on the English language as most of the dialogue is stilted and even though it's plain to see that nearly everyone here is speaking English, they are all obviously overdubbed. DON'T PANIC is very bloody in spots, but most of the running time is spent on endless scenes of Michael trying to convince everyone else that he is not crazy. The film plunges into the depths of unbelievability when Michael and John rescue drunk friend Robert (Raul Arauza Jr.) from Virgil's wrath, only to leave him alone in a car while Michael goes back to the apartment to retrieve Robert's pants (!) and a shotgun-toting John goes to the grocery store to pick up a couple of packs of smokes (!!). Robert then gets his throat graphically sliced open by a possessed Tony and all I wanted to do was kick scripters Galindo Jr. and Glenn in their nuts for making it so goddamned obvious. Don't get me started on the scene where Michael bursts into Alex's house and interrupts a dinner party being thrown by Alex's rich father. Rather than tossing him out on his ass, Alex's father offers him a glass of wine (I guess there's no minimum age requirement for drinking alcohol in Mexico). Alex then pulls out a gun and begins shooting-up the place, grabs Alex by the arm and runs out of the house. What the flying fuck?!? This is a dreadful excuse for a horror film with nothing but a few bloody scenes (mostly knife violence), lots of inane dialogue and piss-poor acting. Watching this film is the equivalent of having bamboo chutes shoved under your fingernails. Also starring George Luke, Edna Bolkan, Evangelina Elizondo, Mario Ivan Martinez and Lucho Gatica. Originally released on VHS by Mogul Communications, Inc. in one of their colorful oversized clamshell boxes. Available on DVD by Deimos Entertainment as part of their CRYPT OF TERROR series as a double feature with Galindo Jr.'s DEMON RAT (1992). Not Rated.

DOOM ASYLUM (1987) - A palimony lawyer is horribly scarred in a car wreck, killing his beloved Judy (Patty Mullen), who was also his client. He wakes up during his autopsy(!), killing the medical examiner and his assistant after learning of Judy's death. Ten years later, a carload of obnoxious teens decide to spend the night in an abandoned insane asylum that just happens to be the residence of the demented lawyer. To heap on even more coincidence, one of the teens just happens to be the daughter of the lawyer's late, lamented love Judy (played by Mullen again). The lawyer (whose scarred makeup makes him look like Christopher Lee in THE CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN) then dispatches the teens and a trio of female punk rockers, who are using the asylum as a rehearsal hall, in various bloody ways (bone saw, ice tongs, acid bath), saving Judy's daughter to be his new (old) love. She rebuffs his advances, stabbing him in the face with the handle of her mother's hand mirror. Which proves that old adage: The only good lawyer is a dead lawyer. This horror/comedy is amateurishly acted (which explains why most of the jokes fall flat) and sloppily edited. The effects are bloody but were obviously trimmed to receive an R-rating. The best parts of this film are the frequent film clips of forgotten actor Tod Slaughter, showcasing him in the rarely-seen DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET (1936), MURDER IN THE RED BARN (1936), FACE AT THE WINDOW (1937), HORROR MANIACS (1948) and others. This was an unexpected pleasure in an otherwise dismal offering. Former Playboy centerfold Patty Mullen later went on to star as the title creation in the far superior horror/comedy FRANKENHOOKER (1990). Co-star Ruth Collins also appeared in the equally inept films GALACTIC GIGOLO (1987) and CEMETERY HIGH (1989). Director Richard Friedman showed much promise with his first film DEATHMASK (1983), a moody, atmospheric chiller which had medical examiner Farley Granger trying to solve the identity of a murdered four year-old boy. Friedman later went on to direct SCARED STIFF (1987) and PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC'S REVENGE (1988), both mediocre, though not quite as bad as DOOM ASYLUM. Also starring Kristin Davis, William Hay, Kenny L. Price, Harrison White and Michael Rogan. An Academy Entertainment Home Video Release. Rated R.

THE DORM THAT DRIPPED BLOOD (1981) - During Christmas vacation, five college students volunteer to close down the aging Morgan Meadows Hall, a 75 year-old seven story dormitory that is going to be torn down and turned into an apartment complex. The close-knit group have two weeks to clear out the building of all it's furniture and other objects, but what they don't count on is that some unknown psycho is also in the building and he's none too happy that they're there. The psycho first kills Debbie (Daphne Zuniga; THE INITIATION - 1983) and her parents. Dad gets a nail-embedded baseball bat to the skull, Mom gets a wire garrotte necklace and Debbie gets run over by a car. Joanne Murray (Laura Lapinski), who is in charge of the clean-up, must contend with her groups constant pranking on each other, as well as deal with unwelcome illegal resident John Hemmit (Woody Roll), strange horny furniture buyer Bobby Lee Tremble (Dennis Ely) and a handyman (Jake Jones) whose power tools end up missing. Could any of these people be the sneaker-wearing psycho? When the group try to locate John and run him off (he's always scaring the girls by peering into the windows at night), they are unable to find him. The handyman is the next to die, thanks to a power drill to the back to his head. As the days wear on, it becomes apparent that the students have issues of their own. One disappears for hours on end, one has anger problems and Joanne is uncertain of her future with her boyfriend Tim (Robert Frederick). When the phone lines go dead and the electricity is shut off, the killing begins to intensify. Brian (David Snow) is attacked with a machete. Patti (Pamela Holland) is put in a vat of boiling water and cooked alive. John attacks Joanne and Craig (Stephen Sachs), but they both get away and Joanne finds Brian dismembered body. While Joanne thinks John is the killer (she clobbers him over the head with a baseball bat), she soon finds out that the killer is much more familar, too familar for Joanne's good, as he shows her the results of all his murderous handiwork that he has hidden in a tunnel under the dormitory.  This is the first film for directors/screenwriters Stephen Carpenter and Jeffrey Obrow (THE POWER - 1984; THE KINDRED - 1986) and it's not bad for a first effort, even if it's your standard "killer on the loose in a building full of teens" plot. Some of the kills are pretty inventive (effects courtesy of Matthew Mungle), although some of the gorier deaths look to be trimmed to receive an R rating. There's still plenty of blood to keep gorehounds happy and the acting doesn't suck, which is a big plus for a film like this. Woody Roll resembles a slightly demented Paul Le Mat and he's pretty scary for someone who isn't the killer. The killer's motivation is pretty weak (He's in love with Jennifer, but she's not in love with him, so he murders anyone who even talks to her. That's taking devotion a little too far.), but the standoff between him, Bobby Lee and the police is ingenious and very well executed (literally!). The ending is also very nasty without being graphic. It's not a happy ending, by the way. This is a pretty enjoyable way to spend 85 minutes if you don't set your sights too high. Also known as PRANKS and DEATH DORM. Stephen Carpenter and Jeffrey Obrow would end their partnership in the early 90's. Carpenter would go on to direct the dreadful SOUL SURVIVORS (2001) and Obrow would make SERVANTS OF TWILIGHT (1991) and THEY ARE AMONG US (2004), George "Buck" Flower's final film. A Media Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.

DREAMANIAC (1986) - This is director David DeCoteau's first legitimate film (he directed a bunch of gay porn videos before this using various pseudonyms) and it's one of those "Original Made-For-Video" feature films that Wizard Video ("Too Gory For The Silver Screen" was their motto) was so fond of releasing in the early to mid-80's. A sorority party at a private house turns deadly when a supernatural succubus named Lily (Sylvia Summers) begins slaughtering the guys and gals in bloody ways. This is not very good, but at least it's short and contains plenty of nudity. The blood also flows freely but this is the type of film every director makes to break into the field. Horror movies are cheap to film and every single dollar (at least 10) is up on the screen. The story is pedestrian, the acting ranges from sub-par to average and the gore is basically stab or drill someone and squirt them with buckets of blood. There's also a lame attempt at a "surprise" ending. DeCoteau is still making plenty of films today, most of them bad (he usually uses the pseudonyms "Ellen Cabot", "Victoria Sloane" or "Julian Breen" on those films), but he has turned out his fair share of good films also (SKELETONS - 1996; FINAL STAB - 2001), although openly gay DeCoteau has put a little too much homoeroticism in his newer films for my tastes. DREAMANIAC was just a stepping stone in director David DeCoteau's more than 50 film resume (so far), many for Charles Band's now-defunct Full Moon Productions. DeCoteau now heads a company called Rapid Heart Pictures, Ltd. I've seen a lot worse first films but I also have seen a lot better. Also starring Thomas Bern, Kim McKamy, Brad Laughlin, Matthew Phelps and Bob Pelham. A Wizard Video Release. Not Rated.

DREAM DEMON (1988) - Future bride Diana (Jemma Redgrave) has a nightmare where she jilts her blueblood fiancé, Oliver (Mark Greenstreet), at the altar. He then slaps her in the face and she retaliates by slapping him back, only she slaps him so hard, she decapitates him and his neck stump splatters blood all over her white wedding dress, while a pleased swarm of paparazzi snap away with their cameras. Diana and Oliver are England's newest celebrity couple, so when she tells Oliver about her nightmare, he tells her it was probably caused by all the pressure she is under. Her dreams get more bizarre (bugs coming out of dolls' eyes; showing up at a high society tea party dressed like a hooker), but they all end the same way: Oliver either slaps her, rapes her, or both. Diana is verbally assaulted by two tabloid reporters, Peck (Timothy Spall; SWEENEY TODD: THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET - 2007) and Paul (Jimmy Nail; HOWLING II - 1985), who trap her outside her new home with questions like, "Are you a virgin?" and "How big is Oliver's sausage?"  Diana is saved by American Jenny Hoffman (Kathleen Wilhoite; MURPHY'S LAW - 1986; WITCHBOARD - 1986), who kicks Peck in his sausage and both women escape into Diana's home. Jenny tells Diana that she is searching for her missing parents and her research has led her to Diana's new home. Diana knows nothing about the house, except her rich father just recently bought it for her and Oliver as a wedding present and she has only been living in it for two weeks, which correlates to when her nightmares began. Diana has another awful nightmare where Peck chases her down into the basement and he falls into a bottomless pit of fire. When Diana wakes up and finds her engagement ring missing (she lost it in her nightmare), she and Jenny head to the basement, only to find Paul down there looking for Peck, who has gone missing. Diana begins to believe that her nightmares are real, so Jenny stays with her on a permanent basis (or at least until Oliver comes back from Naval maneuvers), but it doesn't stop her nightmares. When Diana confides to Jenny that she is indeed a virgin, the pieces start to fall in place. What is the secret this house hides and what is Jenny's connection to it? When Jenny is sucked into Diana's nightmares, they must both solve the mystery before they can return to the living world and escape the clutches of Peck and Paul, who have both become demons in dreamland. And is Oliver only marrying Diana because he's flat broke?  This British variant of A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984), directed by Harley Cokliss (WARLORDS OF THE 21ST CENTURY - 1982; BLACK MOON RISING - 1986; MALONE - 1987), has a few effective scenes and outbursts of graphic gore (the opening minutes are very atmospheric and ends with a real shocking jolt), but most of the time the film is slow-moving and rather uninvolving. The screenplay, by Cokliss and Christopher Wicking (CRY OF THE BANSHEE - 1970; MURDERS IN THE RUE MORGUE - 1971; DEMONS OF THE MIND - 1972), is nothing but rehashed ideas already displayed in the ELM STREET series, where Diana's dreams cause death and destruction in the real world. Both Diana and Jenny are then chased around by demons Peck and Paul, where wisecracks are made and gross makeup effects are displayed (such as when Diana rips-off Peck's ear and later puts her fist through his head). The whole dream imagery thing grows tiresome after a while, because DREAM DEMON degenerates into dreams-within-dreams-within-dreams until we get to a point where we just feel like screaming "Enough already!" There is also a mystery involving a little blonde-haired girl and her abusive father that happened in the house years earlier, but you would have to be a complete moron not to figure out who the little girl really is (Who dyes her hair black in this film?). This is a minor British horror film that holds little interest unless you're into ELM STREET clones. Also starring Susan Fleetwood, Annabelle Lanyon, Nickolas Grace and Patrick O'Connell. A Warner Home Video VHS Release. Not available on DVD. Rated R.

DREAM NO EVIL (1970) - All little orphan Grace MacDonald wants to do is find her real father. Now an adult, Grace (Brooke Mills) is still looking for her father, traveling from town to town with the sideshow church that adopted her as a child. Grace is a high fall artist who draws people to the church with her 30 foot dives, while her fiance's brother, Jesse (Michael Pataki), preaches the word of God and performs faith healings. Grace is also a virgin, much to the consternation of her fiance, Patrick (Paul Prokop, who says,"I'm not going to walk away, half bent over from that pain, anymore!), who is studying to be a doctor. Soon Grace starts to slip into an "imaginary world" (as the film's narrator tells us). While searching for her father in a seedy hotel she meets a pimp/mortician (Marc Lawrence, who has a stable of the ugliest whores this side of Afghanistan!) who tells her that he knew her father (Edmond O'Brien) and that he died yesterday. He takes Grace to see the body and her mind snaps. She thinks that O'Brien is still alive and she begins murdering people who get in her way (starting with Lawrence, who has his back ripped open with a scapel), acts which she attributes were done by her father. Grace kills Jesse with a metal wedge after "Daddy" catches them making love in a barn. (I guess insanity leads to promiscuity.) After planting a sickle into a nosey sheriff's chest, she goes after Patrick with an axe, because he is leaving her for a female med student who will give him some nookie. Patrick manages to sedate Grace and police psychiatrist Arthur Franz (ATOMIC SUBMARINE) shows up at the end to explain everything we have just viewed.  While low on gore, nudity and production values, this is a pretty good example of one person's descent into obsession and insanity. Brooke Mills (THE BIG DOLL HOUSE - 1971, THE STUDENT TEACHERS - 1973) gives a good performance as Grace. She is able to rise above some of the dicier material. Edmond O'Brien (D.O.A. - 1949, FANTASTIC VOYAGE - 1966) hammily overacts as Grace's domineering and violent father. More on co-star Michael Pataki (a favorite of mine) in a future issue of CritCon. Producer Daniel Cady also produced DOLLY DEAREST (1991). Director John Hayes (who died in 2000) had been turning out small exploitation films for years. Some are good, such as GRAVE OF THE VAMPIRE (1972) and some are downright bad, such as GARDEN OF THE DEAD (1972) and END OF THE WORLD (1977). DREAM NO EVIL (aka NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO DIE) falls into the former category. A Star Classics Home Video Release. Not Rated.

EDGE OF THE AXE (1987) - Someone is swinging a mean axe in Paddock, Texas, dispatching its denizens and spreading fear throughout the town. What's the connection between the butchering of an ambulance driver, a waitress, a prostitute and the wife of a pig farmer? I'll make it real simple for you. All of the above victims used to work at a psychiatric hospital and one of the townspeople used to be a patient there. The list of suspects is large. As a matter of fact, there's enough red herrings on hand to stock a large lake. It's up to you to guess which one it is. (Hint: It's Barton Faulks' girlfriend [Christina Marie Lane].) Besides the fairly graphic axe attacks (the blood flows rather freely as heads and fingers are lopped off and close-ups of the axe entering bodies are shown) this film has very little to offer in way of entertainment. The storyline is lethargic and dopey, the acting sub-par (this is a Spanish production and some of the actors are dubbed) and the direction is static. Director Joseph Braunstein is actually Jose Larraz, who directed the erotic (and far superior) VAMPYRES (1974) as well as DEVIATION (a.k.a. WHIRLPOOL - 1970) THE HOUSE THAT VANISHED (a.k.a. SCREAM AND DIE -1973), VIOLATION OF THE BITCH (1978), GOLDEN LADY (1979), STIGMA (1981), REST IN PIECES (1987 - filmed back to back with EDGE with many of the same stars) and SAVAGE LUST (1989). Patty Shepard and Jack Taylor, both veterans of Spanish horror cinema, have very little to do here besides being lambs for the slaughter. To sum it up, EDGE OF THE AXE lacks the edge needed to make it a film  of viewable quality. It's like watching grass grow. Also starring Page Moseley, Fred Holliday and Alicia Moro. A Forum Home Video Release. Unrated.

ENCOUNTER WITH THE UNKNOWN (1973) - Submitted for your approval...oops! Wrong anthology. While Rod Serling is the (offscreen) narrator of this low-budget supernatural anthology film, he had nothing to do with the script of any of these three tales and we are all worse off for it. The film opens with an on-screen crawl (narrated by someone other than Serling) that states that between the years of 1949 to 1970, a certain Dr. Jonathan Rankin (who never existed) documented 453 cases of the paranormal and discovered that the 453 people involved in those cases are buried in only 23 cemeteries. These cases have been dubbed the "Rankin Cluster Phenomena" and the stories that follow are taken from those case files (Yeah, right!). The first story is about a trio of friends playing pool who send a horny geek to the house of a girl of ill repute. Problem is, they send him to the wrong address and he ends up getting accidentally shot dead by the old woman who lives there. At the cemetery, the dead geek's mother puts a curse on the three friends and tells them every seven days one of them will die a horrible death. After one friend is killed when he is hit with a car, the second friend hops on a plane on the 14th day after the funeral and ends up sitting next to a priest. He tells the whole story to the priest, but the priest tells him it was just a coincidence and God will protect him. When the priest disembarks the plane at his stop, the plane crashes on takeoff, killing the second friend. When the priest (who now believes the story) tries to warn the third and final friend on the 21st day, he's too late. He went skydiving. The second story is about a young boy who loses his dog and discovers a mysterious hole in the middle of a field. Spooky sounds eminate from the hole, so some townspeople go to investigate and disagree with each other about what could be in the hole. The people lower the boy's father down the hole, he screams (and a photo of him falls off the wall at home, breaking in front of his wife) and when they pull him up, he's nothing but but a babbling insane idiot who is eventually committed to an asylum for the rest of his life. That's the (w)hole story. The third tale is about a Senator and his wife who stop at a bridge to give a girl a lift (All she says is, "Take me home!"), only to later discover that she is a ghost who died when her car went over the bridge many years earlier. It's an old urban legend told many times before (and much better than this). The finale recaps all three stories (again!) in painstaking detail, as the offscreen narrator (again, not Serling) tries to find a rational supernatural explanation for each story. He fails miserably and the viewer suffers in ways that would make a hooker blush.  The best way to simply describe this film is awful. Amateurish in nearly aspect, from the acting, the photography, the library music score and, especially, the direction by Harry Thomason, who also gave us SO SAD ABOUT GLORIA (1973 - aka: VISIONS OF EVIL) and THE DAY IT CAME TO EARTH (1977), among others. While the second tale (about the hole in the ground) does have some creepy moments (it reminded me a little bit of THE PIT - 1981), the rest of the film is pretty rough going for the viewer. It's endlessly talky and padded out with scenes of people walking or running through fields, cars driving down roads and nature scenes. The third tale is especially superfluous, as it insists on giving us the complete backstory of the ghostly girl on the bridge. All that information (including an achingly-long love ballad that plays while scenes of the girl and her boyfriend frolic in a field) kills any supernatural interest the story holds. We all know how that story ends anyway. This segment never seems to end. The most painful part, though, is the finale, which condenses the previous 75 minutes and explains to us what we just saw for another 15 minutes (!), while the narrator prattles on-and-on, spouting supernatural mumbo-jumbo. It's rather obvious that this was tacked-on to further pad-out the film's running time to feature length. For Rod Serling completists only, although I believe that Harry Thomason must have had something to hold over Serling's head (Maybe some incriminating photos?) to get him to narrate a turd like this. Speaking of Thomason, he later became a successful TV producer with his wife Linda (DESIGNING WOMEN and EVENING SHADE) and gained some notoriety with his involvement in the Whitewater Scandal with good friends Bill and Hillary Clinton. Filmed in Arkansas and stars many of the same people that would appear in the films of director S.F. Brownrigg (KEEP MY GRAVE OPEN - 1973; POOR WHITE TRASH PART II - 1974), including Gene Ross, Bill Thurman, Rosie Holotik and Michael Harvey. Also starring Bob Ginnaven (a regular Thomason player), Gary Brockette, Robert Holton and John Leslie. A United Home Video Release. Rated PG.

ENCOUNTERS OF THE SPOOKY KIND (1980) - Amiable Hong Kong horror comedy that's full of great martial arts fights as well as some gory supernatural shenanigans. Director Samo Hung (WHEELS ON MEALS - 1984; HEART OF DRAGON - 1985) stars as Bold Cheung, a poor fat slob who prides himself on his bravery, when in fact he's scared all the time (even when he sleeps, he dreams about two angry ghosts who chase him and take bites out of his flesh). One day, a friend of Cheung's (who has a nasty mole on the side of his nose that sprouts a huge hair!) challenges him to a game of "Peel Apple", where Cheung must peel an apple in front of a mirror without breaking the skin. If the skin isn't in one piece when he is done peeling, bad supernatural things will happen to him (Those crazy Chinese and their even crazier superstitions!). Cheung reluctantly agrees to the challenge and that night begins peeling an apple alone in front of a mirror at his friend's house, unaware that his friends have tricked-out the house in an elaborate practical joke in an attempt to get Cheung to break the skin. Cheung does just that; he breaks the skin and actually unleashes a female ghost with a horribly burned face and extremely long arms, who pulls Cheung's mole-faced friend into the mirror and tries to do the same to Cheung, but he cuts-off one of her hands and pins it to the floor with a knife. Cheung returns home and nearly catches his wife cheating on him with his boss, Master Tam (Wong Ha). Master Tam wants Cheung dead, so he has his underling, Lau (Cheung Ti-Hong), hire an expert in witchcraft, Chin Hoi (Chan Lung), to kill Cheung using his supernatural powers. Using Cheung's claim to being the bravest man in town, a deadly trap is set when Cheung is challenged to spend the night in a haunted temple. Cheung gets some unexpected help from Tsui (Fat Chung), an associate of Chin Hoi who doesn't believe in using witchcraft to do harm, especially death. Cheung is locked in the temple and must follow Tsui's instructions to the letter if he is to survive the night. The night includes reanimated corpses, hopping vampires and several close calls, but Cheung escapes with his life, only to let his damned pride make him accept another bet to spend another night in the temple for 50 pieces of silver. Cheung once again gets some help from Tsui to combat Chin Hoi's magic spells, but when one of the counterspells fails to work, Cheung will have to use his martial arts skills to battle a hopping vampire, defeating it and putting Chin Hoi in traction. Cheung returns home to find a pool of blood on the floor and his wife missing. He is arrested and imprisoned for his wife's murder (even though her body is not found), where he learns that he's to be beheaded the following morning! Cheung breaks out of prison and joins forces with Tsui, where they fight Chin Hoi in the finale to a battle of witchcraft, which includes zombies, tiger fighters and Cheung transforming into a fighting Monkey God (complete with monkey sound effects!).  Full of Samo Hung's patented broad humor and kung fu skills (the man may be fat, but he can move as quickly and agilely as a man half his size), as well as some gruesome makeup effects and gravity-defying wire work, ENCOUNTERS OF THE SPOOKY KIND (which spawned several sequels and countless copycats) is engrossing and sometimes hilarious hybrid of martial arts and horror genres. Samo Hung's much put-upon Cheung is a comical everyman whose only sin is his vanity. He's says he's afraid of nothing (the opposite is true) and he suffers greatly for that sin. Not only does he have to fight reanimated corpses, ghosts and hopping vampires sent upon him by Chin Hoi, he must also suffer the indignities of a cheating wife and a boss who would rather have him dead than find out. This leads to a series of comical martial arts fights, including one where Cheung fights everyone in a restaurant with a possessed left arm. Some of the art direction is truly inspired, especially in the haunted temple, and the weird visuals on view, including the sight of a naked Cheung painted head-to-toe with protective spells, makes this film a sure bet for fans of Hong Kong weirdness. The closing shot, between Cheung and his unfaithful wife, is one of the most audacious conclusions of any film I have seen in recent memory. You'll either be cheering Cheung on or making a call to a battered wife helpline reporting a serious crime. Also starring Dick Wei, Lam Ching-Ying and To Siu-Ming. A Media Asia Group DVD Release in Cantonese with removable English subtitles. Not Rated.

END OF THE LINE (2006) - Something strange is happening in the Montreal subway system and only nurse Karen (Ilona Elkin) seems to be picking up on it. The hospital she works at has seen an upswing in crazy people screaming about "demons" (one intern comments that there's a full moon tonight and an eclipse is about to happen in a couple of hours as well), but when one of Karen's patients, Viviane (Christine Lan), commits suicide by jumping in front of a subway train after seeing one of the demons (A man whose mouth has been fused shut with maggots and worms) and leaves Karen an envelope containing drawings depicting demons at the hospital and subway, Karen heads down to the subway to investigate. After nearly getting robbed and raped by scumbag Patrick (Robin Wilcock) on the platform, Karen is saved by good guy Mike (Nicolas Wright) and they board the train. This is when things get extremely weird. The train grounds to a complete stop and Mike is stabbed in the back by seemingly normal middle-aged Betty (Joan McBride), who is suddenly brandishing a knife in the shape of a crucifix after she receives a message on her pager. As a matter of fact, many people on the train receive the exact same message on their pagers and they all begin pulling the same type crucifix knife out of their matching satchels and start stabbing and slicing the rest of the passengers while muttering "God is love!" or "God loves you!" over and over. It seems all these psychos are under the control of some cult-like figurehead called the "Reverend" (David L. McCallum; who, up to this point, we only see on poster and pamphlet covers strewn throughout the hospital and subway system), who leads a doomsday group called "Voice Of Eternal" and tonight's the night that the Reverend's prophecy is fulfilled. A bunch of survivors, including Karen, Mike, Neil (Neil Napier), John (Tim Rozon), Sarah (Nina M. Fillis), Julie (Emily Shelton), Davis (Danny Blanco Hall) and Frankie (John Vamvas), escape into the subway tunnels and temporarily hide in a workers break room, where they discover all TV and radio signals are blocked (every channel on TV has a blood-red liquid flowing on-screen). Everyone except Davis and Frankie (who are subway workers) leave the break room and head through the tunnels in hopes of reaching the freedom of outside, but the will have to run a gauntlet, which includes a gang of possessed young children (one of whom gets a crowbar planted in his head); that scumbag Patrick, who nearly rapes both Karen and Julie; and a horde of the Reverend's unholy rollers. When the Reverend makes an appearance on TV and pleads to all his followers to continue the killings to "save all their souls", things get even weirder. By the end of the film, all of the non-believers have split-up and gone their separate ways looking for ways out of the subway while being chased by different factions of the Reverend's followers. Just as it all seems hopeless, all the pagers go off again with another message and all of the Reverend's followers, with the exception of Patrick, stop their killing and swallow cyanide capsules. Is the Apocalypse truly upon us? You'll have to watch the movie to find out.  This is a tight, suspenseful thriller that greatly benefits from not playing its entire hand too soon. Director/producer/screenwriter Maurice Devereaux, who previously gave us the awful BLOOD SYMBOL (1984/1991) and the decent SLASHERS (2001), brings his "A" Game here, as there are scenes on view that will send chills down your spine. One such scene is when the religious fanatics, led by Betty, tells Frankie to kill his pregnant wife Brenda (Lori Graham), but when he refuses, Brenda stabs him instead and then the fanatics take turns stabbing Brenda, removing her unborn baby from the womb and placing it between Frankie and Brenda's bodies. Once you witness this atrocity, you will not soon forget it. Devereaux keeps the viewer on their toes throughout, as we are never really certain of the extent of this apocalypse (Is it confined to the subway or is it global, as the Reverend would have us believe?) and who among the cast is part of the conspiracy. I won't reveal the ending here, because it will ruin your enjoyment of what precedes it. The film is bloody as hell, with multiple stabbings, slit throats, a nasty axe to the head, near-decapitation by sword, a lower lip bitten off and other gory mayhem, yet there is no gunplay at all, which is totally refreshing. The standout here is Robin Wilcock as the rape-happy Patrick, who is willing to go against the Reverend's puritanical wishes just to get some pussy and when he reveals later in the film that he's still a virgin, it brings new layers to the evil he causes. END OF THE LINE is an exciting, cerebral thriller that never loses focus, even when it is shifting gears. Good show! Also starring Kent McQuaid, Robert Vezina and David Schaap. Available on DVD from Anchor Bay Entertainment/Critical Mass, but be aware that the boneheads that designed the DVD cover gives the ending away! Unrated.

ENTER THE DEVIL (1972) - Surprisingly well-made regional horror film (shot in Terlingua, Texas) that I never heard of before. When a vacationing rock collector turns up missing, the county sheriff sends out his deputy, Jase (David Cass, who also co-wrote the screenplay), to look for him. Little does he realize that he is about to become involved in a series of murders committed by "The Disciples Of Death", a satanic cult whose members include people in high places. Jase’s investigation leads him to a hunting lodge run by Glen Phelps (Josh Bryant) where some of the hunters disappear. Together, with the help of an anthropologist (Irene Kelly) whose specialty is "weird cults", Jase and Glen try to unravel the series of mysterious deaths only to find out that your friends are not what they seem. For a low-budget horror film, it delves into some unusual subject matter including illegal aliens, political intrigue and race relations. Although low in the blood department (most of the carnage takes place off-screen), this obsure little thriller (also known as DISCIPLES OF DEATH) is well-acted, tightly paced and contains good location photography. Director Frank Q. Dobbs later went on to make the asinine western comedy UPHILL ALL THE WAY (1985) and then disappeared into obscurity. Also starring John Martin, Carle Bensen and Norris Domingue. See if you can find this film listed in any of the reference books. A Something Weird Video Release struck from an extremely scratchy source print. Not Rated, but no stronger than a PG.

ESCAPE FROM CORAL COVE (1987)  -  This is a Hong Kong rip-off of FRIDAY THE 13TH and not a very good one. A group of spoiled rich kids spend their vacation at the exclusive Coral Cove resort and are stalked and killed by a dead sex maniac who was buried at sea. The remaining survivors hire a ghostbuster (!) to rid them of their problem, but are left to their own devices when the ghostbuster is staked through the heart. An amateur scientist injects the sex killer with a formula invented by his bratty kid brother, causing the demon from the deep to inflate and explode. The version I viewed was heavily edited, deleting most of the gore and leaving some major holes in the plot. While it does have some beautiful underwater photography and a spattering of nudity, this film is basically boring stuff, thanks mainly to the severe editing. Directed by T. Chang. From Ocean Shores Home Video. Not Rated, but no harder than a soft R in this version. Subtitled in Japanese and English.

THE ETERNAL EVIL OF ASIA (1995) - Crazy Hong Kong horror film about hexes and enchantments. We are first informed about how the bodies of recently deceased children are used to carry out hexes (apparently, dead children like to go to the movies, so if one asks you to take him/her to the bathroom in the middle of watching a film, you will more than likely not come back alive!). The film then switches to a father who is yelling at his son for eating too much Cup O' Noodles ("Don't you know they kill you!"). We then see a mysterious man walking down an alley (stray cats explode as he walks by!) carrying a voodoo doll with the father's photo on it. The father, who has just buried his elderly parents, gets a phone call from his mother and father telling him that it's cold where they are. As the mysterious man throws dirt on and then pierces the voodoo doll's head with a needle, the father sees his dead parents in the apartment and hacks away at them with a meat cleaver, not knowing he is actually killing his wife and son (and two neighbors who show up at his door to complain about the noise). When the doll is set on fire, the father falls off his terrace and is impaled on some flourescent light tubes below. We then view a bunch of chatty women at a hair salon talking about marriage, sex and enchantments. The mysterious man has put a hex (using another voodoo doll) on May's (Ellen Chan) boyfriend, Bon (Chan Kwok-Bong), and when they have sex later that night, Bon is unable to perform (He hits himself in the crotch and screams, "My little dick!"). After some supernatural, ghostly stuff happens at the salon, May goes to a good witch, who believes all this bad luck is related to a trip her boyfriend took to Thailand a few weeks earlier with three of his friends (the father who took a header off the terrace was a member of that party). The good witch puts an enchanted worm into May's body for protection (don't ask) and tells her to find out exactly what happened on that Thailand trip.  May confronts Bon (who is visited by the ghost of the dead father, who has flashing flourescent tubes protruding out of his body) and he reluctantly tells her the truth. It seems that when they were in Thailand, Bon and his three friends visited a whorehouse, got into trouble (a hooker in the whorehouse screams out, "I've got AIDS!"), ended up lost in the woods and happened upon the mysterious man's house, who turns out to be a wizard. Things rapidly go downhill from there. It involves sex slaves, competing wizards, lots of ooze, some wirework stunts and a love potion that ends up it the wrong hands.  Things pick up considerably in this Cat III film once Bon relates his Thailand flashback. Some of the surreal scenes include: The wizard turning the head of Kong (Elvis Tsui) into a giant penis, complete with piss squirting out of the top when he gets nervous (One of his friends says, "You are an ugly dickhead!"); Two competing male/female wizards who fly through the air while fucking doggie-style; A cursed friend turns into a cannibal in a busy restaurant (he bites off the hand of a female patron), which results in him eating his own left arm before he dies; and many more outrageous scenes. As with many of the Cat III titles of the time (the equivalent of an NC-17 rating in our country), there is plenty of nudity and sex to go along with the violence, but some of the sex scenes seem edited, especially the scene of Bon's three friends raping the wizard's sister (it's really not their fault, since the sister meant the love potion to be delivered to Bon, but his three friends receive it instead), which is the reason why the wizard (who looks like Jet Li's twin brother) is killing the four friends. Director Chin Man Kei (SEX & ZEN 2 - 1996; THE HAUNTED SCHOOL - 2006) fills the screen with flashy camerawork, bloody violence (including a tribute to Pinhead in HELLRAISER), off-the-wall humor (some of it way beyond the boundaries of good taste) and the prerequisite fights between good and bad wizards. Since most Asian horror films nowadays are more concerned with ghosts of the wet stringy-haired variety who hide in the shadows, it's nice to watch one that's a throwback to 70's & 80's Hong Kong horror cinema, with a modern sexual twist (wait until you witness the invisible fellatio scene!). Worth your time. Also starring Lily Chung, Ben Ng, Julie Lee, Bobby Au Yeung, Ng Shui Ting, Yuen King Tan and Baat Leung Gam. Available on DVD by Tai Seng Video Marketing with burned-in Mandarin and English subtitles, some of the translations being extremely funny. I especially liked when the Thai wizard called Bon and his three friends "Hongkies"! Not Rated.

EVIL ALTAR (1987) - Thirty years ago, warlock Reed Weller (William Smith) annoints a new "collector" and tells him to procure "103 healthy children and the last one must be a virgin". Cut to the present and the Collector (Pepper Martin) brings Weller child #99, a kid he cracked over the head with a baseball bat at a local baseball game. Weller gets pissed off because he specifically said "no local children" because he wanted no unneeded attention brought to the town. The Collector then kidnaps visiting Black child Troy Long (Marcus Wyatt) from a gas station and his worried father Daley (Tal Armstrong), a powerful California lawyer, calls Sheriff O'Connell (Robert Z'Dar) to start searching for his son. When local hunter Stu Connors (David Campbell) and his daughter Teri (Theresa Cooney) mistakenly shoot and kill the Collector when hunting for deer, it becomes apparent that the sheriff and nearly everyone else in town is under control of Weller, who has used his sorcery to grant "favors" to the townspeople in return for their undying loyalty. The sheriff delivers Troy and the Collector's body to Weller, who performs a ritual and brings the Collector back to life. Daley begins asking questions in town and the only person who will talk to him is Josh (Jack Vogel), Teri's brother. It seems Teri is a virgin and will be Weller's 103rd sacrifice when the time is right. The Collector appears to Teri one night (he pulls the bullet she shot out of his heart in front of her) and tells her that she'll be next. She then begins to see him everywhere; on the street, in her bedroom and even on the TV. No one will believe her except Josh, who knows something has been very wrong in this town since his and Teri's mother was killed and their father's bimbo mistress moved in the very next day (all thanks to Weller's satanic powers). When a magical floating baseball (!) crashes through Teri's bedroom window one night, destroys her room and nearly kills her, Teri, Josh and girlfriend Lisa (Connie Lolan) douse the Collector with gasoline and set him on fire. The sheriff shows up and Josh realizes that they are on their own. When Teri is kidnapped by Weller, Josh, Lisa and Daley team up to rescue Teri and Troy. They are too late to save Troy (which only makes Daley more pissed), so they raid Weller's house and must fight Weller's supernatural powers as well as the sheriff and his itchy trigger finger. Can the forces of good defeat the powers of evil? Prepare yourself for one head-scratcher of an ending.  I really don't know what to make of this weird little horror film. Stuntman-turned-director Jim Winburn (THE DEATH MERCHANT - 1991) has crafted a tale of small town horror, but there is precious little back story to go along with the horror. My biggest question is this: Since it's quite apparent that Reed Weller has the power to perform many supernatural acts (like raise the dead and grant the townspeople's wishes), why does he need to kill 103 kids? How much power does one person need? The film's heart is in the right place, though (screenplay by Brent Friedman, Scott Rose and John Geilfuss), as big Bill Smith (with satanic symbols tattoed on his bald head) is effective as Weller, Pepper Martin (SCREAM - 1981) is creepy as the Collector and some scenes are inventive (Stu's death after disobeying Weller is one such scene, as well as when Daley realizes that he has to kill his son to find peace). There's a lot to like here (it's not very gory, but it is very violent), but I wish there were more motivation behind the killings. It would have added a little meat to go along with the potatoes. This film is usually rated as a bomb (or lower) by nearly every reviewer I have read. Either I watched this while I was having a very good night or I managed to look past some of the mistakes (the boom mike in the frame, flubbed lines, etc.) and chose to enjoy it as an atmospheric little chiller. Nothing special, mind you, just enjoyable. Also starring John Powers, Lee Night, Patrick Fahey and Norman Shore. A Southgate Entertainment Home Video Release. Rated R.

EVIL CAT (1986) - Another strange film from director Dennis Yu (THE BEASTS - 1980; THE IMP - 1981), this one dealing with supernatural possession. A bulldozer in a quarry unearths a huge stone tablet with ancient writing on it that is covering a deep shaft. When the tablet is lifted by the quarry crew, revealing the shaft, a surge of electrical energy shoots out of it, which seems to affect Master Cheung (Lar Kar Leung) clear across town. He walks home and pulls a bow and three magical arrows from under his bed and then mutters, "It has been 50 years that you finally appear!" He treks over to the quarry and a flashback reveals how fifty years earlier, he and his father trapped a demon known as Evil Cat down the shaft, but Cheung had to kill his father in the process. With his dying breath, his father warns him that "this possessed cat has nine lives" and it has already been defeated eight times by members of his family every fifty years for the past four hundred years. It is now Master Cheung's turn to fight the Evil Cat, but he better do it quick because, according to his medical records, he is dying from cancer and only has a short time to live. We then switch over to the highrise building which houses the Fan Holding Company. It seems Evil Cat has taken up residence in the building, killing multiple security guards and personnel before possessing the body of the business's millionaire owner, Mr. Fan (Stuart Ong). Master Cheung, with the help of Mr. Fan's limo driver, Long (Mark Cheng), prepare to do battle with Evil Cat (Cheung gives Long a magical necklace, but tells him to throw it away if he's still alive in seven days). Inspector Wu (Wong Ching, who also wrote the screenplay), is assigned to investigate the slaughter at the highrise and is happy to find female TV reporter Siu Chen (Tang Lai Ying) is already on the scene, since he has a huge crush on her. As luck would have it, Siu Chen is the daughter of Master Cheung, but when she sees her father at the crime scene, she doesn't believe his story and threatens to send him to a sanitarium for his final days (What a bitch!). She doesn't believe in spirits or evil and thinks her father is an old, superstitious fool. Mr. Fan begins acting strange, ordering his staff at home (including Long) to go to bed early and not to disturb him after midnight. Long gets hungry late that night and goes to the kitchen, only to spot Mr. Fan outside with his face immersed in the coy pond. When Mr. Fan comes up for air and has a live fish in his mouth (!), he spots Long and attacks him, which leads to a wild car ride to Long's mother's house. His Mom fights off Evil Cat/Mr. Fan by throwing a statue of Buddha at him (!) and Long goes to Master Cheung, who is now staying at Siu Chen's home, for help. Siu Chen thinks Long is as crazy as her father, but even she will soon come to believe as more murders take place. Cheung kills Mr. Fan with one of the magical arrows but is stopped from finishing off Evil Cat when Inspector Wu intervenes. Evil Cat has now jumped into the body of Mr. Fan's sexy mistress, Tina (Tsiu Suk Woon), and it's very, very, pissed.  This wild horror film contains many action-packed and gory set-pieces but, thankfully, doesn't take itself too seriously. Where director Dennis Yu's THE BEASTS was a relentlessly grim rape/revenge exploitationer (with hardcore sex inserts), he gives EVIL CAT a much lighter tone, but doesn't sacrifice shocks or gore in the process. The relationship between Master Cheung and Long is a delight, especially the sequence where Cheung tries to teach an impatient Long how to gain magical powers and Long tries to cheat at every opportunity, usually with disasterous results. There are many "out-there" scenes, including the car ride, a sequence where Mr. Fan traps Long in his office and the rape/possession of Tina, but they all take a backseat to the amazing final twenty minutes, when Tina/Evil Cat lays waste to an entire police station, where she/it decapitates cops by swatting at their heads, thrusts her hands through bodies, tosses people around like they are ragdolls, detaches her own arms to strangle Master Cheung (who is at least 50 feet away from her!), all while taking multiple bullet hits to her head and body. It's guaranteed to get your heart racing. But, until then, there's plenty of carnage to keep you happy, including impalements, limb removal, a tongue biting and a comical case of mass vomiting. If there are any complaints about this film, it's that Wong Ching's portrayal of Inspector Wu is a little too broad for my tastes (How did a buffoon like this become an Inspector?), the English subtitles leave a lot to be desired and the final shot defies the legend of Evil Cat that was explained in the beginning (Cats don't have ten lives). Don't let these minor quibbles stop you from seeing this, though. It's a wonderful piece of Hong Kong horror/action cinema. A Fortune Star/Deltamac DVD Release. Not Rated.

EVIL ED (1995) - This lamebrained Swedish-made gore comedy tells the story of Ed (Johan Rudebeck), a film editor hired to cut out all the more violent parts of the fictitious "Loose Limb" series of horror films for distribution in European countries that have stringent censorship laws. The previous editor found the task so daunting that he blew his head off by sticking a hand grenade in his mouth! Our new editor doesn’t particularly enjoy the job but, because he needs the money, agrees to edit the 8-part series. After viewing scene upon scene of hacked-off limbs and bloody murders, Ed begins to hallucinate various graphic acts, such as cutting into an arm when he is actually slicing a loaf of bread and viewing a grotesque vulgarity-spewing monster in his refrigerator. Ed starts killing for real and likes it, so he starts murdering anyone he can get his hands on. Neck snappings, beheadings, electrocutions and a skull split down the middle follow. One wonders what director/screenwriter/photographer/editor Anders Jacobsson was trying to say here. Does he believe that watching violence causes violent behavior or is it his way of making fun of this controversial issue? I tend to lean towards the latter but I’ll bet that some anti-violence media whores will view this as a documentary of our society today. Available in Unrated and R-rated versions, you should probably avoid the R-rated cut as it excises all the bloody deaths that Ed is supposed to be editing out of the films. Maybe Ed edited the R-rated version as it destroys any impact that the film has in the first place. Ironic isn’t it? Even though all the actors speak English, they are overdubbed by others with a special voice appearance by Bill Moseley (TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 - 1986). Also starring Olaf Rhodin, Per Lofberg and Camela Leierth. An A-PIX H.V. Release. Unrated.

EVIL LAUGH (1986) - Another annoying teen horror film that has nothing to offer the viewer except bad acting, lame effects and illogical situations. To give you an idea what to expect: In the beginning of the film, a guy complains that he doesn't have any liver to serve for dinner. The cackling unseen killer stabs the guy with a butcher knife and cuts out his liver, placing the still-steaming organ on a dinner plate. Get it? Ha! A group of kids converge on a long-abandoned building to help a friend (the guy who had his liver removed) clean it up so he can turn it into a pediatric clinic. What most of them don't know is that years ago the building was an orphanage where a series of brutal murders took place. Someone doesn't want the kids messing with the building, as an unseen maniacally-laughing psycho begins dispatching them in various unimaginative ways. Between scenes of bad dancing (and terrible original rock songs), horny sex and in-fighting between the young cast, the chuckling weirdo begins the killing spree. A delivery boy is offed with a power drill (off-screen), a couple having sex are butchered with a knife, another guy is stabbed in the crotch and so on. The cast learns about Martin, the murderer who committed the murders in this building years before and we are left to wonder if it is indeed Martin who is killing the kids (or is it someone closer?). Barney (Jerold Pearson), a horror movie fan, is the only voice of reason, wanting everyone to leave the house before they all get killed (He even warns his friends not to have sex because, in horror films, anyone who has sex dies, predating a similar scene in SCREAM by over ten years). No one believes him and most of them are killed before the remaining members finally believe. Barney discovers an audio cassette containing the killer's voice saying no one in the house deserves to live. When the killer is finally unmasked, you'll be punching your TV in retaliation for having been cheated out of 85 minutes of your life. You may just kick your dog after having to view the preposterous "surprise" ending.  Guaranteed to bore you after ten minutes, EVIL LAUGH seems to pull away when it should be charging ahead. Director Dominick Brascia (who also co-wrote and co-produced this with star Steven Baio, who looks like [and is] Scott Baio's emaciated brother) doesn't let us see most of the killings and tosses in numerous references to FRIDAY THE 13TH and HALLOWEEN, cheap sex jokes and shows issues of Fangoria every now and then to give the film some street cred. The acting is pretty erratic, ranging from OK (Baio) to unbelievably bad (the guy who played the cop). That's a shame, because most of the film is filled with endless dialogue scenes with people spouting inane lines like, "10:30? By God, it's the middle of the night!" By the time the killing spree kicks in, you'll either be sound asleep or scratching your balls in anticipation. One way, you'll be rested and relaxed. The other way will only get you looks of disgust by those around you and you'll be bitterly disappointed to boot (as well as having sore balls). What you will see is a lame axe to the head, a knife to the groin (the tip protrudes out of the guy's ass) and Steven Baio having his head shoved in a microwave oven. None of the effects are well done or filmed in any way to give them impact. EVIL LAUGH ia a minor slasher film that doesn't have one original idea in it's tiny little head. It was supposedly shot in one week and it shows. Also starring Kim McKamy, Tony Griffin, Jody Gibson, Johnny Venocur, Myles O'Brien, Howard Weiss and Susan Grant. Krishna Shah, the director of HARD ROCK ZOMBIES (1985), was one of the Executive Producers. A Celebrity Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.

EVIL TOWN (1974/1985) - Mardi "Anything For A Buck" Rustam strikes again. He has taken a little-seen horror film from 1974 called GOD BLESS DR. SHAGETZ, edited it down and filmed new inserts featuring two murdering, raping grease monkeys called Harry and Wally (Keith Hefner & Greg Finley), added some nudity from actresses Jillian Kesner and Lynda Wiesmeier and mixed it all together. It's all rather obvious and extremely boring. The majority of the film concerns the creepy isolated burg of Smalltown (the sign on the way into town reads "Population: 666 Elevation: 13", just so we know it's creepy), which seems to be populated only by senior citizens. We soon find out that when any young people (including kids) stray into town, they are knocked-out and sent to a clinic run by Dr. Schaeffer (Dean Jagger, who was called "Dr. Shagetz" in the original edit), who uses their youth to keep the elderly population immortal. Trouble arises when a camper containing Christopher (James Keach), wife Linda (Doria Cook), friend Mike (Robert Walker Jr.) and girlfriend Julie (Michele Marsh) breaks down as they enter Smalltown. Instead of spending the night in the house of "kindly" old Lyle (Dabbs Greer) and his wife (Lurene Tuttle), the quartet decide to camp out in the woods, making it more difficult for the old geezers to kidnap them. Every few minutes, the newly-shot (and badly-matched) footage intrudes on the proceedings, showing Harry and Wally kidnapping some necking couples (including a lesbian couple), bringing the men to Dr. Schaeffer's clinic and saving the women for themselves, restraining and raping them in their garage (Harry says to Wally, after they have raped one girl, "Don't say a word about her!" Wally replies, "I won't. Cross my legs!"). When the old cronies discover that the camping foursome are moving to L.A. (for some reason that's a bad thing in their eyes), they make sure that the camper is permanently disabled. Christopher, who is moving to L.A. to start his medical residency, becomes mighty suspicious of the town's old farts, especially when he sees the white-haired population carrying Mike and Julie's drugged bodies to Dr. Schaeffer's clinic. Christopher and Linda are eventually captured and brought to Dr. Schaeffer, who shows Christopher his operation and asks him to carry-on with his experiments in perfecting the immortality serum. After seeing a cage full of Dr. Schaeffer's failed experiments (a gaggle of young people in straitjackets and acting crazy), Christopher gives his answer by strangling Dr. Schaeffer with his bare hands, grabbing Linda (Mike and Julie are dead) and setting the clinic on fire.  This patchwork film fails to register, thanks to the obvious inserts (the film stock, fashions and dialogue just don't gel with the old footage) and boring nature of the reworked screenplay (the story credit goes to late character actor Royce Applegate). Mardi Rustam (the director of EVILS OF THE NIGHT [1984) and producer of such films as PSYCHIC KILLER [1975], THE BAD BUNCH [1976], Tobe Hooper's EATEN ALIVE [1977] and DEATH FEUD [1987]) seems only interested in putting as much nudity, sex and foul language as he can in the new footage which, quite frankly, sticks out like a sore thumb when compared to the original film, which was directed by Edward Collins, Larry Spiegel (SURVIVAL RUN - 1978) and Peter S. Traynor (DEATH GAME - 1977). Rustam, who used the same killer grease monkey idea previously in EVILS OF THE NIGHT, was trying to pull a fast one on VHS renters during the release-anything 80's but, unfortunately, he forgot the golden rule. If you want to pull a fast one on us (especially with the misleading VHS cover art), at least have the courtesy to throw a little bloody violence into the new footage (the nearest he comes to it is when a clinic escapee gets into a martial arts fight with an orderly!). The closest this film come to violence is when James Keach punches-out a couple of octagenarians and hits Dabbs Greer with a chair. Dean Jagger (VISIONS OF EVIL - 1973) is absent for most of the film until the finale and it's easy to see why. He overacts terribly and it looks like he's having a hard time remembering his lines and I believe at one point he forgets them all together and improvises (badly). Robert Walker Jr., who appeared in several low-budget 70's horror flicks (BEWARE! THE BLOB - 1972; THE SPECTRE OF EDGAR ALLAN POE - 1972; THE SHRIEKING - 1973), is wasted here (at least in this edit). He's given very little to do except slap his knees in time while James Keach (SLASHED DREAMS - 1975) plays his guitar around a campfire and deliver the film's only intentionally funny bit of dialogue when Keach and Doria Cook talk about making love in the woods. The Post Production Supervisor (the person in charge of putting this whole mess together into a cohesive whole) was Henri Charr, who also directed another lousy 80's piecemeal film, ISLAND FURY (1983/1989). I can say with a reasonable amount of confidence that you can skip EVIL TOWN and not worry about it at all, unless you must see a bunch of wrinkled old toadies trying to act murderous. What is wrong with you people? Also starring Christie Hauser, Regis Toomey, Paul McCauley, E.J. Andre and Hope Summer. A Trans World Entertainment VHS Release. Also released on VHS by budget label Star Classics in a crappy EP-mode transfer. Not yet available on DVD (count your blessings). Not Rated.

THE FANGLY'S (2003) - Ultra-low-budget regional horror film (filmed in and around Justin, Texas), reportedly made for less than $2,500 and it shows. As with a lot of these no-budgeters, it takes place during Halloween and concerns itself about a local legend; a family of cannibals called the Fangly's, who haunt the woods around Storm Creek during the candy-giving holiday, slaughtering those who dare enter their territory. The young adults in the area don't take the legend too seriously and use it as a rite of passage to haze the non-believers, but Sheriff Pete (Burton Gilliam; THE TERROR WITHIN II - 1990) knows that the legend is real and has been covering-up the Fangly's murderous doings for many years, especially the killings performed by witch matriarch Fanglady (played by Justin Hamilton in drag) and her retarded son Chubb (director/scripter Christopher Abram, acting under the name "J. Christopher"). A group of obnoxious twenty-somethings, including Mark (Robert Harvey), his wife Kelly (Laurie Reaves), perpetual coward Jerry (Tim Boswell), prankster Steven (Josh Gobin) and new girlfriend Camille (Natalie Woods), think it would be a good idea to party in the cemetery of Storm Creek on Halloween Night (yeah, none of them are the sharpest tools in the shed). They build a campfire in the middle of the cemetery using wooden grave markers as firewood (again, these are studid people) and Kelly tells ghost stories about Fanglady stealing the lifeforce of her victims and Chubb taking the lifeless corpses and skinning them (which we are barely shown in flashbacks), which scares the crap out of Jerry and new-to-town Camille (hint, hint). I guess we all know what happens next. After Steven steals more wooden grave markers to add to the campfire (he deserves to die just for doing that), they are discovered by Chubb, who disables their car (and steals a porno DVD from the back seat!) when he notices the grave markers missing in the cemetery (he uses the graveyard to bury the bones of Mommy's victims). Camille ends up missing, Chubb knocks-out Steven and then terrorizes the rest, eventually kidnapping Kelly. Mark comes to the rescue, only to discover that Camille is actually a Fangly's family member, but he manages to kill Chubb (after the retarded Chubb accidentally kills Camille with a pitchfork) and Fanglady before he, Kelly and Steve escape. They then learn from Sheriff Pete that the Fangly's can never truly be killed and they will surely rise from the dead next Halloween.  This is a terribly slow moving horror flick that has very little (if anything) going in its favor. It's poorly acted (the only professional here is Burton Gilliam, who looks embarrassed), talky as hell and contains nearly no gore, which, considering the subject matter, was a very poor decision. It's hard to determine if director/writer/actor/editor/dishwasher Christopher Abram (AFTER SUNDOWN - 2005; BY THE DEVIL'S HANDS - 2008) purposely set out to make a campy film, but it's difficult to take this as a serious horror film. The character of Chubb elicits laughs rather than gasps with his oversized crooked (and obviously fake) upper teeth and he acts more like a brainless moron than someone who is supposed to scare us. Director Abram manages to break every cardinal rule of horror filmmaking: He pulls back on every gore shot when he should be moving in for the close-up (There's one maddening scene where Chubb threatens a necking couple with a machete, but then tosses it to the ground and snaps the man's neck with his bare hands instead! I swear, I nearly stopped watching the film there and then, but I soldiered-on in hopes that it would get better. It didn't.); he has the women keep their bras and panties on during their sex scenes (Even when Chubb rapes one of them in his bedroom!); and there's even a thing in a cage that Chubb keeps as a pet, but we never see it! We are even led to believe that Chubb kills Jerry (and, believe me, you'll want this whiny shit dead as soon as you meet him), but if you survive through the end credits, you'll learn that even he survives. What's the point? No, really, will someone tell me why anyone would make a horror film but leave out the horror? I've taken dumps that scared me worse. Also starring John William Galt, Natali Jones, Jason Skeen and Malissa Dusza. Available on VHS & DVD from Asylum Home Entertainment. Rated R, but there's nothing here that goes beyond a PG-13.

FATAL GAMES (1983) - Someone is killing the Olympic hopefuls at the prestigious Falcon Academy Of Athletics. Can it have something to do with the steroids, hormone injections and "vitamins" that the doctors at the academy make all the athletes take every day? The first one to die is gymnast Nancy (Melissa Prophet), who gets impaled by a javelin while working out alone in the gym. Team doctor (and possibly lesbian) Diane Paine (Sally Kirkland) worries about the kids sudden behavioral changes and voices her concerns to Dr. Jordine (director Michael Elliot), the team's head doctor ("They are kids, not guinea pigs!"), but is told to mind her own business. Gymnast Sue Ellen (Angela Bennett) is the next in line to get a javelin piercing, as she is chased naked through the academy by the black tracksuit-wearing killer. Javelin thrower Joe (Nicholas Love) is next to die, as the killer returns one of Joe's throws and nails him through the torso (There goes our best suspect!). The coaches and doctors are worried that three of their best athletes are missing and again Diane wonders if the medications are involved ("Maybe they had adverse reactions."). Diane finds Annie (Lynn Banashek) lying down in the middle of the hallway, screaming in pain (from the medication) and Diane takes her home where we learn that Diane's mother was an Olympic gold medal winner. Frank (Michael O'Leary) breaks his leg dismounting off the parallel bars and, that night, his girlfriend Lynn (Teal Roberts) is speared by the javelin while doing laps in the pool. Dr. Jordine finds a team photo with all the dead athletes x'ed out and suspects the other doctors and coaches, since they are the only ones with keys to the office. Frank begins snooping around and finds some incriminating evidence and discovers all the dead bodies stuffed in lockers, but is "javelinized" by the killer before he can tell anyone. Annie is wounded by the killer, but boyfriend Phil (Sean Masterson) saves her and brings her to Diane. Bad move. Turns out that Diane was born a man and had a sex change operation, but lost her Olympic gold medal (in the javelin throw) when drug tests proved she had too many male hormones in her system. Now she's making all athletes pay.  Pretty blah as a mystery and a slasher film (a blind man could spot the killer and there are only so many ways you can kill with a javelin), the only redeeming quality this film has to is the constant full frontal female nudity from nearly every female cast member except, surprisingly, Sally Kirkland (who had many naked moments in the vastly superior IN THE HEAT OF PASSION - 1991). Kirkland is truly awful here. She has the emotions of a piece of fruit and looks like she would rather have a really painful bikini wax than be here. The gore is practically non-existant, too. Just a few javelin impalements and Kirkland's final fall onto a first place trophy (oh, the irony). First (and only) time director Michael Elliot sure has a lot of pretty girls in the cast (including blink-and-you'll-miss cameos from Linnea Quigley as an athlete and Brinke Stevens as a naked shower girl), but it's hard to believe that it took three people (Elliot, Raphael Bunuel and producer Christopher Mankiewicz) to write such a trite, generic screenplay. Only for those interested in viewing plenty of naked unaugmented female flesh. Also known as KILLING TOUCH. Also starring Marcelyn Ann Wilson (later changing her name to Spice Williams) and Lauretta Murphy. A Media Home Entertainment Release. Not Rated.

FATAL IMAGES (1988) - God, I hate SOV (Shot On Video) flicks. Most of them are so cheap and boring, they make Sunday School look appealing. This is one of the worst examples of what was foisted onto unsuspecting renters looking for something new during the video boon of the late 80's. The film opens with a serial killer murdering an undercover female officer while taking her picture in his photo studio. As the police close in, the serial killer sits down in a director's chair, takes a self-portrait of himself with a rare VDeluxe camera and then simply passes away, pissing off the dead undercover cop's detective boyfriend. Ten years later, a photographer named Amy (Lane Coyle) goes to a pawn shop looking for some props for a photo shoot (the pawn shop looks like someone's garage). The slimy pawn shop owner sells Amy the serial killer's VDeluxe camera for fifty bucks and tells her that the camera already "has film in it. It always has film in it!" Rather than questioning him about that statement, Amy stupidly buys the camera and takes a picture of a drunken bum as she is walking out of the pawn shop. A short time later, the bum is slashed to death by the seemingly-revived serial killer. It seems that whomever Amy shoots with the VDeluxe camera ends up dead by the serial killer's hands and when Amy develops the photos, they show the people in their murdered states. It takes Amy a few more murders to catch on as to what is happening (she's not the sharpest tool in the shed) and the police detective (the same one who's girlfriend was killed ten years earlier) begins to notice striking similarities between the new wave of murders and the killings ten years earlier. He's also got a new cop girlfriend and, yep, you guessed it, Amy takes her picture with the damned camera. Can Amy and the secretive Chan (don't ask) stop the serial killer before he kills everyone who stopped for a photo op? Why does the camera never run out of film? Do we really care? Did anyone see my pants?  As with most SOV features, the sound is bad, the acting atrocious and the camerawork static. Director Dennis Devine, who has unleashed other shitty SOV horror flicks to a rightfully agitated audience, including HELL SPA (1992), THINGS (1993) and CURSE OF PIRATE DEATH (2006), pads out this feature (I don't want to call this a film because, let's face it, it's not) with long static shots of people talking (the funniest being the two cops in a car in the beginning of the film who, upon hearing that an undercover cop is in trouble, take the time to buckle their seatbelts before starting the car!) and POV shots of the serial killer stalking his victims. The sets are cheap (the police detective has a poster of LETHAL WEAPON hanging in his sparsely-decorated office) and the violence is nothing more than splashing blood on victims, one fake-looking arm being yanked-out of it's socket and the after-effects of an offscreen decapitation (believe it or not, the effects were supplied by Gabe Bartalos, who must have owed someone a big favor). There's also a long-haired priest, who's living room is wallpapered with movie posters of JAWS, PINOCCHIO, AMAZING GRACE AND CHUCK, and a Confederate flag (he even makes an off-hand remark about 20TH CENTURY OZ [1976]); an Asian guy named Chan (Brian Burr Chin), who skulks around in the shadows, jumps out in front of Amy and offers to buy the camera from her ("I'll give you twice what you paid for it!"); and a big-haired metal band named Teaser, who play a song in a bar where about six people are seen dancing. Not a glaring endorsement, either for the band or the bar. The most unbelievable moment comes when the police detective decides to eat a bullet and blows his brains out, rather than to relive the horror from ten years earlier. Is that any way to protect and serve? As far as FATAL IMAGES goes, let's just say I've seen better production values and acting in my Aunt Millie's vacation videos. This film is only for the retarded. The severely retarded. 95 minutes of pure hell. I curse the day when BLOOD CULT (1985) was released on VHS and proved that there was a market for SOV flicks, flooding the market with "masterpieces" from every amateur with a store-bought video camera. That's why I usually leave those reviews to my friend Mario in the "Films On The Fringe" section of this site. He manages to find artistic merit where all I see is shit. Also starring Alison Brown, Angela Eads, Jeff Herbick, Michael Robbin, Frank Scala and David Williams as one of the least-scariest serial killers in recent memory. An Active Home Video Release. Not Rated.

FEAR NO EVIL (1980) - This minor cult classic has gained quite a reputation through the years, not for it's storyline (which is a mixture of THE OMEN meets NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD), but for it's trippy visual flair and punk rock soundtrack. Everyone knows Andrew Williams (Stefan Arngrim) is the Antichrist, especially when, as a baby in 1963, the water used to baptise him turns to blood. Eighteen years have passed since then (expertly shown as time-lapse photography of Andrew's parents' house, which goes from brand new to decrepit in less than 30 seconds) and Andrew witnesses his father severely cripple his mother on his birthday. At school, Andrew is a straight-A student but is treated like an outcast by nearly every student (it doesn't help that he's extremely introverted and always dresses in black). Andrew does have a crush on one female student, Julie (Kathleen Rowe McAllen), who has strange visions every time she is near Andrew. Could she be the reincarnation of the angel Gabriel, sent to Earth to join forces with two other angels to stop the Second Coming of Satan, a key part which lies in the evil powers of Andrew? Be prepared to witness the resurrection of the dead as the angels must battle Andrew and his horde of the living dead for the souls of every human being on Earth.  The first film by a then 26 year-old Frank LaLoggia (THE LADY IN WHITE - 1988), FEAR NO EVIL is probably the most definitive case of style over substance. The atmosphere is laid on thick and consists of wonderfully-used camera tricks (the feeling of hopelessness between Andrew's mother and father for Andrew's first 18 years of life could not have been done better than the time-lapse photography mentioned earlier) and the use of the entire widescreen image to convey alienation (used expertly in a funeral scene) is fantastic. If I have a complaint, it's that the screenplay (also by LaLoggia) is too derivative of other films, like CARRIE (there's a shower scene where the jocks pick on Andrew, only to have it bite the main bully in the ass) and THE OMEN (the whole Antichrist angle), which I am sure were on LaLoggia's mind when he was writing this as they were both fairly fresh films at the time. The fantastic finale (at the town's annual re-enactment of Christ's birth and death), which is full of scenes of the dead rising from their graves mixed with foggy neon lighting and laser effects (also fairly new at the time) are what previous viewers remember most about this film as it is fast-paced, bloody and comes out of nowhere. Mix in a soundtrack with songs by The Ramones, Boomtown Rats, Sex Pistols, Patti Smith and other punk bands and this was quite a treat for teens both in sight and sound when it originally played in theaters in 1980, especially after a joint or two (that's how I saw it). This low-budget gem may seem a little creaky today, but it still holds up as an atmospheric foray into the supernatural. I dare you not to smile when Andrew's drunken father (Barry Cooper) yells in a bar, "My son's the Devil!" over and over. It's also the only horror film where you'll witness a death by dodgeball and see a man grow breasts (and then kill himself!). There's also a surprising amount of full frontal male nudity but very little female nudity as the film has an underlying theme of homosexuality or, I should say, a fear of homosexuality as the shower and breast-growing scenes so beautifully display. Good stuff. Also known as LUCIFER. Also starring Elizabeth Hoffman, Frank Birney, Daniel Eden, Jack Holland and Alice Sachs. An Anchor Bay Entertainment Release. Rated R.

FEAST (2006) - This is the film that was made during Season 3 of PROJECT GREENLIGHT and, after watching all the hoops first-time director John Gulager had to jump through to get this made, I'm glad to report that it's probably the best horror film released in 2006. After a humorous opening, which gives a brief bio and life expectancy of each character, the film immediately kicks into gear. A barfull of lowlifes and losers must band together and fight four creatures which are trying to get inside. The creatures, which have huge teeth and razor sharp claws, are hungry for flesh and looking to get even with the woman (Navi Rawat) who hit and killed one of them (possibly the grandfather of the pack) when driving with her husband (who is the first to get killed after bursting into the bar and announcing, "I'm the one who's gonna save your asses!" and then promptly gets decapitated). As the occupants bitch and moan and then finally band together, the creatures pick them off one-by-one in various gory ways (dismemberments, eye gougings, head squishings, dissolving bodies by spitting a slimey green goo on them). That's basically all there is to the plot and I know it sounds generic, but Gulager's execution is anything but generic. The whole film has a manic comic tone to it, like a Three Stooges short taken to the next level. Clothes are ripped off, body appendages are accidentally blown off and, just when you thought you've seen it all, the film reminds you that you haven't. I loved the part where they introduce Kevin Smith regular Jason Mewes (playing himself) only to immediately have his face ripped-off by a baby creature and then get shotgunned in the chest by the bartender (a welcome return to films by genre vet Clu Gulager [RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD - 1985], the director's father). The whole film is full of little surprises like that and the script (by Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan) is full of choice one-liners sure to bring a smile to your face. My favorite line comes when one of the men (who was drenched in the creature's goo) asks one of the women how he looks (he lost an eye and his face is dissolving). She takes one look at him and throws up. He just looks at her and says, "You shoulda been a nurse". If there's one complaint I could lodge against this film, it would be that some of the editing is way too quick, making some of the action hard to distinguish. It was probably done to cover-up some of the more low-budget aspects of the film. But, that's just a minor quibble as FEAST is a bloody good show for fans of horror. I can't wait to see what John Gulager does next without all the cameras and interference that dogged him during the shooting of this one. It should be a doozy. Dimension Films gave this a cursory one week theatrical release (using the R-rated cut) before dumping it to DVD. With the right marketing campaign, Dimension could have had a winner on their hands, but we know how fickle executive producers Bob & Harvey Weinstein are. Just be happy this film was released and didn't end up sitting on a shelf for a couple of years like other Weinstein productions. Also starring Balthazar Getty, Henry Rollins, Duane Whitaker, Judah Friedlander, Josh Zuckerman, Jenny Wade and Krista Allen. A Dimension Home Entertainment Release. Not Rated.

THE FEAST OF SATAN (1971) - When nurse Maria (Veronica Lujan) takes a mysterious 30 day vacation and is later found on the side of the road, in total mental breakdown and her hair turned completely white, the doctors at the hospital tell her sister, Hilda (Krista Nell; THE SLASHER - 1972), that Maria suffers from "Hammer Syndrome" and has been mentally deranged by fear (Maria hysterically screams out "Sheba!" and sees a mysterious man in a black cape wearing a ruby-encrusted medallion whenever she closes her eyes). When Maria is kidnapped from the loony bin by the man in the black cape, Hilda tries to uncover what happened to her sister while she was on "vacation" in hopes it will lead to her sister's present location. Hilda's investigation leads her to the cryptic (and filthy rich) Dr. Tills Nescu (Esperacto Santoni; THE FEMALE BUTCHER - 1973) and his beautiful lesbian assistant Andrea (Teresa Gimpera; CRYPT OF THE LIVING DEAD - 1973). Dr. Nescu invites Hilda, Dr. Carlos Ferrer (Thomas Moore; LIGHT BLAST - 1985) and police Inspector Gonzales (Julio Pena; CROSS CURRENT - 1971) to a cocktail party at his remote mountain castle where, earlier, we see Dr. Nescu and Andrea murder his new girlfriend, Paula (Carla Conti), in some sort of sacrificial ritual. Dr. Nescu puts the moves on Hilda and she plays along so she can find clues about her sister. What Hilda doesn't know about Dr. Nescu is that he is a powerful mentalist (He proves is powers to a doubting visiting Prince by making a male lounge singer lose his voice while singing a song in a cocktail bar) and Hilda falls under his black powers, falling madly in love with him and revealing who she really is. Hilda is warned several times by complete strangers to stay away from Dr. Nescu (one crazy lady even mentions Sheba), but she doesn't listen. Instead, she ends up alone in the castle with Dr. Nescu , Andrea and their oriental servant, and is drugged, held prisoner and hallucinates (?) about a black magic ritual where Dr. Nescu and a bunch of his satanist followers sacrifice a live goat and invoke Satan and Sheba's names. The confusing finale finds Dr. Nescu trying to make Hilda his new Sheba, but a jilted Andrea (don't ask, I know she's supposed to be a lesbian) stabs Dr. Nescu in the back before he can finish the ceremony. Or does he?  This Spanish/Italian co-production, also known as FEAST FOR THE DEVIL, is a dreary, slow-moving horror thriller that contains horrible pacing, god-awful dubbing (try watching the scene where Dr. Nescu uses his mentalist powers on the male lounge singer and try not to laugh) and a plot that makes very little sense, as well as stretching credibility a little too far. Why on earth would Hilda fall in love with the man who is quite possibly responsible for her sister's disappearance and why the hell would her good friend Carlos (who also harbors secret feelings for her) or Inspector Gonzales let her? This film relies on too many convenient coincidences to advance the plot (Dr. Nescu is a playboy, yet he has a severe hatred for his mother, whom he use to watch whipping his father with a belt as a child. Shouldn't he be a homosexual instead?). Director Jose Maria Elorrieta (THE CURSE OF THE VAMPIRE - 1972), using the pseudonym "Joe Lacy", offers very little for the viewer to enjoy, as there is minimal blood, only a touch of nudity (both Nell and Gimpera do strut around in bikinis on several occasions, though) and the script (by Jose Luis Navarro, Marino Girolami and Miguel Madrid [as "Micael Skife"]) that will have you scratching your head in complete confusion and desperation, as you try to make sense of all the characters' actions (Especially the ludicrous finale, where two people commit suicide and Hilda suffers the same white-haired fate as her sister, even though Dr. Nescu is dead. What the fuck?). File this under "What The Hell Were They Smoking When They Made This?" This is nothing put plenty of camera zooms on Dr. Nescu's eyeballs and garish early-70's fashions. I was hoping "Tills Nescu" was an anagram, but it turns out it's just a funny name. Also starring Luis Villa and Francesco Acciaccarelli. Released on VHS by Mogul Video (under FEAST FOR THE DEVIL) and not available on U.S. DVD, although German company Marketing Films offers it on DVD under the title TANZ DES SATANS. The print I viewed was taken from a Greek-subtitled VHS tape. Rated R.

FERTILIZE THE BLASPHEMING BOMBSHELL (1989) - Another strange retitling job from Troma Films, available on Rhino Video as MARK OF THE BEAST and also known as TRIANGLE OF DEATH. Sheila Caan portrays Sandy, who, with her husband to be, are on their way to Las Vegas for a quickie wedding and to meet her identical twin sister Susan (Caan again), an anthropology professor who shares the same feelings (i.e. pain) as her sister. While driving through the desert, Sandy and her fiance take a shortcut off the highway and get lost. They end up in the town of Ellivnatas (Population: 13. Get it?) where they are greeted with staring eyes from the few residents. The people are devil worshippers and soon Sandy and her fiance are lured out to a canyon where her fiance is set on fire and tossed off a cliff and Sandy is stabbed in the chest as a sacrifice by the cult leader (the late Robert Tessier of HARD TIMES in one of his last roles). Susan feels Sandy's pain and begins searching for her. She meets a mechanic (Rick Hill) who joins her in the search. She ends up in that quaint little town and is threatened, physically abused and nearly run off the road. Susan tries to get the county sheriff (Bo Hopkins, who could phone in his performance) to help, but he is either unable or unwilling to give it. The remainder of the film consists of Susan running around in her underwear trying to avoid Tessier and his baddies from impregnating her with the Devil's child. Better acted and filmed than most Troma product (probably because they purchased it after production ended), this is still third-rate stuff even when compared with any one of Concorde's worst productions. One gets the notion that Bo Hopkins takes these roles to supply his dwindling liquor cabinet. John Saxon and Bo Svenson were probably at an AA meeting when this role was offered. One can only feel pity for  Robert Tessier. This is not a fitting way to end an illustrious career of playing bad guys. For Hopkins and Tessier completists only. Directed and written by Jeff Hathcock (VICTIMS - 1985; NIGHT RIPPER - 1986; STREETS OF DEATH - 1987) who's no Hitchcock.  A Troma Films Release. Rated R.

FINAL EXAM (1981) - A college quarterback and his new girlfriend are savagely stabbed by a hulking psycho while they are necking in the parking lot of March College. At nearby Lanier College the next morning, the students, on hearing the news, can only talk about how it increases their odds of their football team winning the championship this year (Kids, you gotta love 'em!). During finals, one of the fraternaties, headed by football star Wildman (Ralph Brown), stages a prank where masked terrorists come out of a van and start shooting up the campus with machine guns (if they did that today, they would be looking a serious jail time) as a diversion so Mark (John Fallon), another football jock, can cheat on one of his tests. The psycho is now also at Lanier College following Courtney (Cecile Bagdadi) around in a van. Courtney's best friend is Radish (Joel S. Rice), a nerdy genius (who has a TOOLBOX MURDERS poster on his wall), who helps her when she comes to him with personal problems. A pledge named Gary (Terry W. Farren), who just stole the answers to another test so Mark can cheat again, is tied to a tree (after being stripped to his underwear) and covered in shaving cream and left there overnight, as punishment for giving his pledge pin to his girlfriend Janet (Sherry Willis-Burch). Gary doesn't make it through the night. Neither does Janet. The killer viciously stabs both of them. The killer targets Wildman next, hanging him on some gym equipment after Wildman steals some uppers from the coach's desk. Mark is next to go, stabbed in the chest when he goes to check up on Wildman. When Radish finds Mark's body, he calls the Sheriff (Sam Kilman), but he doesn't believe him because Radish called him earlier in the day to report the fake terrorist attack. Radish also loses his life to the killer's knife. Courtney finds Radish's body and runs to warn everybody, only to find out they are all dead. Now it's just Courtney against the killer and they both have knives. Why is he killing everyone? We will never know. Does a psycho killer with a big butcher knife really need a reason?  Director/screenwriter Jimmy Huston (DARK SUNDAY - 1976; SEABO - BUCKSTONE COUNTY PRISON - 1978; MY BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE - 1988) seems to have forgotten what makes a slasher film work: Lots of inventive bloody deaths. After the initial car stabbing, it takes nearly 55 minutes for the next murder to take place. The murders are always clouded in darkness, so you never see the payoffs. I will give one concession to the killer: When he stabs someone, it's usually multiple times, not "one stab and you're dead". For a slasher flick, FINAL EXAM is way too tame. The acting, by a cast of unknowns, isn't too bad, but the story just meanders along at a much too leisurely pace, playing like a low-rent version of ANIMAL HOUSE until the final 30 minutes, when all the campus fun stops and the killer dispatches everyone except Courtney who, in the finale, stabs him about a dozen times (all of it placed conveniently just off-screen). The killer's (played by Timothy L. Raynor) motivation is never explained, so the killings really have no meaning. While many real-life serial killers may kill for no reason, it helps in low-budget horror films like this if we understand why the killer is killing. There's also no nudity (although there's plenty of sex talk amongst the cast) and very little foul language. The reason for this is probably because director Jimmy Huston got his start working for producer/star Earl Owensby (this movie was filmed at his E.O. Motion Picture Studio in Shelby, North Carolina, but otherwise Owensby had nothing to do with it), whose early films were advertised as "family friendly", a mindset that Huston probably found hard to shake when he was writing the script for this. Although the film is rated R, a couple of small edits amounting to less than 5 seconds would put it in PG (not even PG-13) territory. Why bother? You shouldn't. Also starring DeAnna Robbins, Don Hepner and Mary Ellen Withers. An Embassy Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.

FLESH EATING MOTHERS (1988) - It's always a good idea when you're making a horror film to have at least one character you can sympathize with or at least root for. This ultra low-budget 16mm epic has none. After a lengthy set-up establishing the characters in a town full of adulterers, abusive husbands, bullies, angry divorced parents, crooked cops, slimey doctors and high school hooligans, the film kicks in gear when an unknown virus (passed by a cheating husband to a bunch of his married conquests) infects the women, causing them to become hungry for the taste of human flesh. When divorced cop Clyde McCormick (Mickey Ross) goes to his ex-wife's home and finds her chowing-down on their son, he shoots her in the head, since that seems to be the only place on her body that a bullet works (fuckin' George Romero and his mythology!). He's arrested for her murder when no one believes his story, although the one-armed Police Commishioner (Ken Eaton) should since he lost his arm years earlier due to a similar incident. Clyde escapes custody determined to find out what the hell is going on and why the commishioner is covering it up. It's not long before every mother and wife begins eating members of their families in very graphic ways. Clyde works with the vertically-challenged medical examiner, Dr. Grouly (Michael Feuer, one of the worst actors I have ever seen), while the surviving kids band together trying to find a way to stop their flesh eating mothers. Armed with a new vaccine (which turns out to be penicillin!) which will reverse the virus, the kids try to "stick it to" their mothers before the police kill them all.  I guess the best word to describe this film is amateurish. It's apparent when watching the film that no one in it has any acting experience as there's not a decent performance in the bunch. Director James Aviles Martin (who has since gone on to make documentaries) tries to make this a gore comedy, but fails miserably on both counts, as the gore, while extremely bloody, is not very convincing and the comedy consists of people saying lines like, "What's eating you?" and "Fuck you, you fucking cannibal!" The Elite Entertainment DVD offers the full unrated cut (Academy Entertainment offered both an R-rated edit as well as the Unrated cut on VHS), but the widescreen transfer is very grainy at times, thanks to it's 16mm origin. Like I said in the beginning, the total lack of sympathetic (nevermind believable) characters sink this film and the bad acting and chintzy make-up effects don't help either. My advice is to avoid this one unless you like sitting through 89 minutes of tedium. Also starring Robert Lee Oliver, Valorie Hubbard, Neal Rosen, Donatella Hecht, Katherine Mayfield and Grace Pettijohn. An Elite Entertainment Release. Not Rated.

FLESH FEAST (1969) - Deadly slow mixture of espionage and horror genres that's more important for it's pedigree than for the actual film itself. First off, it stars 40's blonde bombshell Veronica Lake (who is also a producer) who, unfortunately looks like a bombed blonde shell of her former self. It was directed, co-produced and co-written by Brad F. Grinter, who made the classic badfilm BLOOD FREAK three years later. It was co-written by Thomas B. Casey, who would direct SOMETIMES AUNT MARTHA DOES STRANGE THINGS in 1971. Harry Kerwin, who directed GOD'S BLOODY ACRE (1975), has a small part and is production manager here. Chris Martell, who starred in SCREAM BABY, SCREAM (1969), also stars and is assistant director on this. As you can see, it's a veritable who's-who of early 70's Florida regional filmmaking. It's just too bad that FLESH FEAST is such a total bore. Lake stars as Dr. Elaine Frederick, who has perfected a rejuvenation procedure that involves specially-bred maggots that eat the flesh of dead people and, when applied to live people, give that person new youth and vigor. When some shady South American dudes in dark suits and black sunglasses hire Dr. Frederick to rejuvenate their boss, "The Commander", she prepares her lab for his arrival (her female assistant steals a female corpse from the hospital so the maggots can feed, as we see another assistant cut off the corpse's leg with a bone saw). A subplot involves a female student falling in love with Jose (Bill Rogers), one of the South Americans who have taken over Frederick's house. When Dr. Frederick performs a practice experiment on Max Bauer (Martell), an old man with a scarred face (to satisfy the S.A. dudes that her experiment is on the up-and-up), he becomes a young, spry man who proceeds to rape Jose's new girlfriend and then kills her. Jose kills him and puts his dead girlfriend in Dr. Frederick's lab. Satisfied with the outcome, the South Americans bring The Commander to Frederick's house. The Commander turns out to be Adolph Hitler (!) and Dr. Frederick has revenge on her mind, since her mother died in one of Hitler's concentration camps. The film ends abruptly with Dr. Frederick using her maggots on Hitler in a whole new way, while she cackles "Heil Hitler!" in front of a portrait of her dead mother.  Even at 72 minutes, the film seems hopelessly padded as the Jose subplot and another involving a newspaper reporter/C.I.A. agent Dan Carter (Kerwin) go nowhere and neither one is resolved. The entire film looks to have been shot silent and the post-synch dubbing, though done by the actors, barely match the lip movements. The film is also hopelessly dated, as every male character wears a dark suit with a skinny tie and most of the women sport beehive hairdos, except for Lake, who still wears her hair as she did when she was a femme fatale in films such as THIS GUN FOR HIRE (1942). This was also Lake's last film, but try not to remember her this way. Doug Hobart (DEATH CURSE OF TARTU - 1966) provided the not-so-special effects, which include the aforementioned leg amputation, some old age makeup (which looks like oatmeal paste) and various body parts hanging in Dr. Frederick's lab. FLESH FEAST is worth a viewing if you are interested in Florida regional exploitation films (I think the only regional talent not involved in this were William Grefe and Wayne Crawford!), but have a stimulant handy because you'll need it. The Beverly Wilkshire DVD (which is OOP but still available on some online outlets) is pretty poor and looks like a second or third generation VHS dupe. It also has a glitch around the 11 minute mark that brings you back to the main menu. Just go to the second chapter and rewind to just after the glitch and the rest of the film plays fine. Also starring Phil Philbin, Martha Mischon, Doug Foster, Brad Townes and Otto Schlesinger. A Beverly Wilkshire DVD Release. Also available on VHS from World Video. Rated R.

FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD: OUTBREAK ON A PLANE (2006) - Here's a question I have for all the big movie production companies: How is it a fun, gory horror film like this bypasses a theatrical release and goes straight to DVD and yet lousy horror films like THE RETURN (2006) and THE MESSENGERS (2007) get wide theatrical play? While nothing more than a zombie version of SNAKES ON A PLANE (2006), this film is a hoot and a half to watch. After being introduced to all the major characters on Flight 239 heading to Paris, including a cop named Truman (David Chisum); his prisoner Frank (the wonderful Kevin J. O'Connor), who profoundly professes his innocence; pro golfer Long Shot (Derek Webster); his alcoholic wife and several dozen other passengers, we learn that the evil Dr. Leo Bennett (Erick Avari), who is also on the plane, has brought a new virus on-board that can bring the dead back to life. When bad turbulence causes the cargo to shift, the virus is set loose when the cryogenically frozen body of Dr. Kelly (Laura Cayouette) is released and she begins biting and infecting passengers. As more people begin getting exposed (and turning into decaying zombies), the unafflicted passengers band together and try to figure out how to stop the infection from spreading. Dr. Bennett tries to cover-up the truth (even resorting to murder), so Truman, Long Shot, flight attendant Megan (Kristen Kerr), TSA agent Paul Rudd (Richard Tyson) and even Frank (who has escaped Truman's custody during the turbulence) pitch in and fight the zombie onslaught. With the plane's radio out of order and the government now well-aware what is loose on-board, the motley group must find a way to defeat the virus and stop the government from vaporizing the plane before it flies over a populated area. Things take a turn for the worse when both the pilot and co-pilot are infected and the plane goes on auto pilot. It will take some quick thinking and self-sacrifice to rid the plane of the zombies, stop the fighter jet from firing it's rockets and, finally, crash-landing the plane so the four survivors can walk away.  While this film is nothing more than your basic "zombies-on-the-loose where no one can escape" scenario that we have seen dozens of times before, this film has plenty of attitude (and altitude) to spare and generates a good share of scares and tension. It's also got a wicked sense of black humor. Also unusual for a film of this  type are the calibre of actors involved, some in nothing but bit parts. Besides the ones already mentioned, there's Brian Thompson (as the soldier who guards the virus on the plane and becomes it's first victim), Raymond Barry (as the pilot), Dale Midkiff (as Dr. Lucas, one of the early victims), Tucker Smallwood (as Colonel Wolff) and David Spielberg (as Dr. Conroy). The film also has some very well-done action and horror set-pieces, such as when Paul accidentally fires his weapon in the cargo hold and the bullet ends up killing a flight attendant above or the scene in the plane's bathroom, where we are led to believe a zombie is going to pop out of the toilet, only to have it suddenly appear somewhere else. There's even a scene of zombies rising up out of the ground, only in this case they are tearing their way from the plane's floors rather than from graves. The film is very bloody and goes way past an R-rating, as people are graphically eaten, shot (Paul says, "Two in the chest, one in the balls!" as he and Truman use the zombies for target practice) and dismembered. One scene shows a nun (There's one on every plane, isn't there?) having her legs chewed off as she crawls away, minus any lower limbs. So much for divine intervention! The visual humor is in some of the zombie attacks and aftermath and most of the verbal humor is supplied by Kevin J. O'Connor (DEEP RISING - 1998; THE MUMMY - 1999), but director/co-producer/co-scripter Scott Thomas (LATIN DRAGON - 2004) never allows the film to drift into satire. He prefers to play it straight and let the outlandish sights and situations (including an Asian zombie that can't figure out how to undo his seatbelt, zombies scurrying away with arms and legs in their mouths and Long Shot using his golf clubs to decapitate a zombie) speak for themselves. The zombie makeups and effects are very well done (although some of the CGI effects are obvious) and the acting is uniformly excellent, so grab this one and enjoy the ride. It's left open for a sequel and, for once, I hope it happens. This is one of my Top Ten independent horror films to be released in 2007. Also starring Todd Babcock, Siena Goines, Mieko Hillman, Sarah Laine and Brian Kolodzeij. A New Line Home Entertainment Release. Unrated.

FREAK (1997) - Nine years ago, in Vahalla Mills, Ohio, a fat, disgusting (and pregnant) abusive mother keeps her facially deformed son locked in the attic, slapping him around and chaining him up like a dog. Mom unlocks the chains so he can eat and then goes into labor, running downstairs to deliver her baby girl, which she then throws into a burning barrel outside. The son sees her throw the baby into the fire and rescues it, then going to his mother (who is recuperating in bed) and caving her head in with a rock. A few days later, the police arrive and, since they can't find the mother, the baby girl is sent to Child Services and the deformed boy is sent to an institution. In the present day, Stacy (Amy Paliginoff) and her nine year-old adoptive sister Jodi (Andrea Johnson) are moving from Indianapolis to Virginia Beach after the sudden death of Stacy's parents. At the same time, the malformed boy, now an adult called Keller, is being moved to a different institution, when he escapes. As Stacy and Jodi enter Ohio on their way to Virginia Beach, they will cross paths with Keller and neither Stacy or Jodi will come out unaffected. I submit that you should look at Jodi's age and the fact that she's adopted to connect the dots. Keller kidnaps Jodi and heads to his mother's house. Stacy joins forces with Jason (Travis Patton), the security guard that let Keller escape, to find Jodi and stop Keller's killing spree.  This ultra-low-budget film by first time director/producer/writer Tyler Tharpe takes a while to get moving, but once it does it's pretty entertaining. It's not hard to spot the telegraphed connection between Keller and Jodi and Tharpe reveals it at the halfway mark. Although the premise for Keller's escape is kind of weak (Jason is on probation, so he doesn't report the escape because he doesn't want to lose his job!), the film does build a fair amount of suspense without being overly bloody. There's a surprising reveal about Keller's condition near the end of the film (he lost one of his senses, which explains his behavior all his life). The showdown between Stacy and Keller is much too quick and is somewhat disappointing. The film suffers from a grainy transfer and the non-acting talents of little Andrea Johnson, who looks and acts like she would rather be any place but here. The ending is also a letdown as it seems Keller is way too easy to kill. Still, for a debut film, it's none too bad and is worth at least one look. Also on the DVD is a short black & white film called HEADCHEESE (2001), a pretentious TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE-inspired story co-produced by Kim Henkel (co-writer of the original TCM) that was filmed on several locations used in TCM. Using sound effects, quick-cutting and weird visuals, this insipid film induced headaches rather than terror. I've crapped more interesting things. A Shock-O-Rama DVD Release. Rated R.

THE FREAKMAKER (1973) - Step right up ladies and gentlemen. Come and see the mistakes of nature. The only problem is, some of the mistakes had human hands involved. The film opens with some striking time-lapse photography of plants coming to life as Professor Nolter (Donald Pleasence) lectures his university students about certain species of plants that act like animals. He tells his students that one day we will be able to take a single cell from a fossil and grow a dinosaur by cloning it (pre-dating JURASSIC PARK by 20 years!). But what the Professor is really trying to do is fuse humans with the mutant carnivorous plants he has created, the result being a human/plant hybrid that will survive our uncertain future. The Professor has the horribly ugly Mr. Lynch (Tom Baker) snatch students from the university for use in his illicit experiments in exchange for the Professor reversing the effects of Mr. Lynch's deformed face (a task you know immediately that Nolter will never honor). The mistakes of Nolter's experiments are sent to Mr. Lynch's freak show, where paying customers scream and faint at the sight of them after paying an extra charge for the privilege. During the middle part of the film we are shown an actual freak show, where the diminutive co-owner and ringmaster Burns (Michael Dunn, who died shortly after making this film) introduces us to the Monkey Woman (Madge Garnett), the Human Pincushion (O.T.), the Frog Boy (Felix Duarte), the Alligator Girl (Ester Blackmon) and the infamous Popeye (Willie Ingram), a tall black man who can pop his eyes out of their sockets (I swear I threw up in my mouth a little!). Some university students (Julie Ege and Jill Haworth) and a visiting professor (Brad Harris) become suspicious when their friend Tony (Scott Anthony) turns up missing after visiting the freak show. After operating on Tony and transforming him into a walking Venus Flytrap mutation (who escapes), Nolter shows his true colors: a meglomaniac who cares only about his results and nothing about human life. After he has Lynch kidnap Ege for another experiment, his escaped mutation comes back for some payback. Not to be outdone, when Lynch shows his contempt for the freaks, it ends up biting him in the ass. Originally released as THE MUTATIONS and later changed to THE FREAKMAKER, this only horror effort by award winning cinematographer and director Jack Cardiff (THE LONG SHIPS - 1963; GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE - 1968) is a darn good horror flick that contains good scares, weird plant mutation creations, great colorful set direction and a music score that can best be described as eclectic. I liked that the script, by Robert D. Weinbach (also the producer) and Edward Mann, showcases the real-life freaks as human beings who look after each other as if they were one big family. You really feel for them when outsiders look at them with disgust. The DVD contains a wonderful featurette about making the film (which cost $400,000 to make), with interviews of Cardiff, Brad Harris and Weinbach (who supplies some hilarious anecdotes about Harris and Popeye). There's also a hidden Easter Egg that gives you the opening with THE MUTATIONS title. The DVD box says: "It's the 70's version of the cult classic FREAKS!" It's that and a whole lot more. Recommended. A Subversive Cinema DVD Release. Rated R.

THE FREEWAY MANIAC (1987) - Here's the film in a nutshell: An escaped mental patient terrorizes and kills the cast and crew who are filming a low-budget sci-fi flick in the middle of the desert. Yeah, I know. Big deal. The psychopath, Arthur (James Courtney), who has severe mother issues (We watch him, as a child, kill his slutty mother and her one night stand white trash boyfriend with a butcher knife), escapes from the loony bin rather easily (this mental hospital has the worst security ever!) and begins his path of death and destruction. He kills a guy walking his dog, steals his car and drives towards the desert. At the same time, a young model/actress named Linda (Loren Winters) comes home early to find her boyfriend screwing another woman. Hurt deeply, she hops in her car and drives blindly into the desert, where her car breaks down and she is forced to walk to the nearest gas station, a ramshackle dive run by the lecherous Ray (Jeff Morris). When Ray puts the moves on her, Linda runs away, right into the arms of Arthur, who decided to stop for gas. Arthur murders Ray and tries to do the same to Linda, but she fights him off (by hitting him with a car) and escapes to safety. Linda becomes a local celebrity when Arthur is recaptured; he grows more and more obsessed with Linda the more she is profiled for her bravery on the TV news. Linda uses her new-found fame to secure a starring role in a cheap sci-fi film and when Arthur catches wind of her new fame, thanks to newspapers and daily news reports, he goes full-tilt bozo and escapes the asylum again (Everyone that works there should be fired for incompetence, not only for letting him escape again, but also for supplying him with newspapers and TV that feeds his obsession!). The Linda-obsessed Arthur steals a big rig (after killing the driver), kills a bunch of wise-ass teens in a pickup truck (by running them over) and then heads towards the film shoot by foot once the truck breaks down, stopping long enough to kill a couple necking in yet another pickup truck and a couple of hikers. When the producer of the film, Bert (Sheperd Sanders), and Linda's agent, Steven (Donald Hotton; ONE DARK NIGHT - 1982), are notified that Arthur has escaped, they decide not to tell Linda for strictly personal financial reasons. As more cast and crew of the film shoot end up missing, Linda's cheating boyfriend arrives on the set and saves Linda from the clutches of Arthur. Or does he? Thankfully, the threat of a sequel never materialized.  The best way to describe this low-budget horror film with one simple word?: Lacking. The only thing this film has going in it's favor is some female nudity, as the rest of the film is dreary, from it's one-note villain, the terrible acting, the static camera work and the dearth of any notable gore. Director/co-producer Paul Winters (RED BLOOD - 2001), who also co-wrote the screenplay with master of the macabre illustrator Gahan Wilson, misses every opportunity possible to offer the audience something to like or at least find interesting. The killings are mostly bloodless, with the camera pulling away rather than focusing-in on the blood and gore. The sad fact is that the little snippets we see of the film-within-the-film seem infinitely more enjoyable than the actual film itself. At no time does Arthur seem like someone who could scare a ten year-old, never mind an adult. He looks and talks like some regular Joe, yet he survives getting shot, being thrown off the hood of a speeding car and other situations that would kill, or at least maim, a normal person. I love where films like this try to get away with making their villains superhuman or supernatural for the mere fact that they've spent most of their lives in a mental institution. It seems to me they would be the exact opposite, weak and slow. Basically, THE FREEWAY MANIAC is a complete bore, offering nothing new or remotely interesting to it's intended audience. This is an anti-horror horror film that's a slap in the face to anyone who watches it. Gahan Wilson (who designed the film's only funny prop, the "Sand Clam" used in the film-within-the-film) would rather we all forget this film was made (he refuses to talk about it). Follow his advice. Robert Bloch and Stan Lee are thanked in the closing credits. Also starring Robert Bruce, Dale Howard, Ronny Kenney, Trisha Hutton, Thad Greer, Jason Christmas, James Maniaci, Bob Harvey and Joe Perry. This Cannon Films Production was released on VHS by Media Home Entertainment and is not available on DVD. Rated R.

FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2: TEXAS BLOOD MONEY (1998) - I've read many bad reviews for this belated sequel to the Robert Rodriques/Quentin Tarantino 1995 hit (they both executive-produced this one), but I enjoyed it immensely. This is a highly entertaining vampire flick. Buck (Robert Patrick, the new blood on THE X-FILES) joins bank robber Luther (Duane Whitaker, who also co-wrote the screenplay) and his gang to rob a bank in Mexico. Along the way, Luther is bitten by a vampire (Danny Trejo, the only returning actor from the first film) after stopping at the infamous Titty Twister bar. Needless to say, he infects everyone in his gang except Buck, who must convince sheriff Otis Lawson (Bo Hopkins, who looks like he is having fun) that he is not dealing with normal bank robbers. The final showdown at the bank is a bloody mixture of bullet hits, neck bitings, Hong Kong-style stunts, impalements and disintegrations. Director/Co-screenwriter Scott Spiegel (INTRUDER,aka BLOODNIGHT - 1988) lays on the gore (supplied by the KNB effects house) thick and heavy and supplies enough POV shots (courtesy of DOP Philip Lee) to keep your eyes occupied long enough to let you ignore some major gaping plot holes. This is clearly a case of style over substance and, in this film, it works. This is strictly played for laughs, with lines such as, "I'd kill your ass if you weren't already dead!" and is probably the first time you will see a vampire killed with a pair of mirrored sunglasses! You could do a whole lot worse than rent this low-budget gem. I guarantee that you will not be bored. Also starring Muse Watson, Brett Harrelson and Raymond Cruz with cameos by Bruce Campbell and Tiffany Amber Thiessen. Followed by FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 3: THE HANGMAN'S DAUGHTER. A Dimension H. V. Release. Rated R.

FROM WITHIN (2007) - Talk about lost potential. Here's a film that begins with an interesting idea, but stumbles soon after and never regains its footing. Natalie (Rumer Willis; SORORITY ROW - 2009) watches helplessly as her boyfriend pulls out a gun and kills himself by swallowing a bullet. She runs to her father Bernard's (Jared Harris) clothing store, where Lindsay (Elizabeth Rice) and stepmom Trish (Laura Allen; THE 4400 [2004 - 2007]) are buying a dress for church. The blood-covered Natalie tells Lindsay that a strange woman has been following her since her boyfriend offed himself and to tell Bernard to check outside. A few seconds later, Natalie is found dead with a pair of scissors sticking out of her neck, another apparent suicide. Since Natalie and her boyfriend were the goth couple in town, no one (besides her father) makes too much of the suicides, but it is apparent to the viewer that something much more sinister is going on. Later that night, Bernard is visited by some unseen form and is killed, which will also be deemed a suicide since he is found hanging in the rafters by his niece. A pattern starts to emerge where whoever finds the last "suicide" is doomed to be the next victim of the suicide sickness. This splits the town into two factions: One faction, led by Pastor Joe (Steven Culp; HOW TO MAKE A MONSTER - 2001) and his son Dylan (Kelly Blatz), blame the family of Aidan (Thomas Dekker; LAID TO REST - 2009), whose mother, Molly (Amanda Babin), was believed to be a witch and may have been killed by Pastor Joe and his followers in a fire years earlier that was declared to be an accident by the authorities. Lindsay gets caught in the middle when her boyfriend Dylan beats-up Aidan and she drives Aidan home. This doesn't sit too well with drunken stepmom Trish, who warns Lindsay to stay away from Aidan and stick to her current boyfriend Dylan, who also warns that "this town takes care of its own." Lindsay goes to Aidan's house to warn him about upcoming reprisals and she meets Aidan's cousin, Sadie (Margo Harshman), who warns Aidan to keep "outsiders" out of their business (there's a lot of "warning" in this movie). Things get downright creepy when Bernard's niece is visited by a spooky woman who slits her wrists on some broken glass. The next day, Lindsay's best friend Claire (Brittany Robertson) passes by the spooky woman's dead body and is infected. A short while later, Claire gets into a car accident and is burned alive.  Trish witnesses the accident  and becomes infected. She is tricked into drinking a bottle of drain cleaner by her image in the bathroom mirror (her image makes the drain cleaner look like a bottle of bourbon!). Lindsay, who has just been abducted by Dylan, Pastor Joe, Sadie and her white trash father Roy (Adam Goldberg; STAY ALIVE - 2006), has an exorcism performed on her, discovers Trish's body in the bathroom and becomes next in line to be infected with the sickness. Lindsay races to Aidan's house in hopes of finding a cure, but what she learns instead is that her fate lies in a cursed book and only a real, true suicide can stop the sickness from spreading. But just who has to willingly give up their life? And will uber-religious dickhead Dylan ruin the whole thing? Make sure to stay through the end credits to find out.  This so-so horror film, part of AFTER DARK HORRORFEST III (a series of eight films given a limited theatrical release in January 2009), has some really creepy scenes, but it isn't wholly successful. Director Phedon Papamichael (SKETCH ARTIST - 1992; DARK SIDE OF GENIUS - 1994) has an eye for framing shots for maximum effectiveness (he should, as he's an excellent cinematographer by trade), but the screenplay, by Brad Keene (THE GRAVEDANCERS - 2006), begins falling apart at the halfway mark, when it becomes clear that Keene is merely copying plot points from successful J-Horror flicks, where stringy-haired ghosts and evil doppelgangers begin killing townspeople, all over a cursed book (substitute a VHS tape or a cell phone and you'll quickly get the connection). The acting is uniformly good and there are some good gore and scares, but FROM WITHIN just gets downright silly and unbelievable as it progresses to its ridiculous conclusion. Hey, I'm not a religious man, but even I found the use of religion here as a representation of evil more than a little heavy-handed. This is one of those films that begins like gangbusters and then peters-out like a silent-but-deadly fart. Also starring Michelle Babin as Evil Molly. A Lionsgate Home Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.

FUNERAL HOME (1980) - When Heather (Lesleh Donaldson) goes to help her Grandmother (Kay Hawtrey) turn her old funeral home into a tourist hotel, strange things begin to happen. Tourists begin to disappear, a land developer's car is found buried in a haystack and something strange is going on down in the cellar. Could it have something to do with the disappearance of Heather's Grandfather (Jack Van Evera), who one day just up and vanished? Does retarded Billy Hibbs (Stephen E. Miller) know more than Grandma will let him tell? What about the strange male voice that comes out of the basement? And just what is buried in the lake at the nearby quarry? Heather begins a relationship with Rick Yates (Dean Garbett) which Grandma doesn't take a liking to since his brother Joe (Alf Humphreys) is a local police officer. Joe is able to tie the land developer's disappearance to a plan involving buying up all the land in the county, except Grandma refused to sell because they wanted to move the graveyard. The Sheriff (Bob Warner) tells Joe to drop the case. A cheating husband (Harvey Atkin) and his mistress (Peggy Mahon), who are staying at the converted hotel much to Grandma's prudish consternation, are pushed off a cliff in their car at the quarry by someone driving a beat-up pickup truck. It seems the locked basement holds the key and anyone who enters there is sure to be slaughtered. If this all sound a little too much like PSYCHO you would be right but it does have a charm all its' own. The acting is generally good, and while not extremely bloody or gory, it does shock on occasion. Director William Fruet (DEATH WEEKEND - 1976, SPASMS - 1982; THE KILLER INSTINCT - 1982; KILLER PARTY - 1986 and many other films and TV shows) is an old master at these Canadian horror thrillers and shows a sure hand at handling the suspense. While by no means a classic, FUNERAL HOME (aka CRIES IN THE NIGHT) is a lot of fun to watch, especially for fans of this type of film (myself included). When I first saw this film in a theatre in the early 80's, I hated it. Maturity has gotten the better of me, since I no longer judge a film by it's gore quotient. This is actually a pretty good story that also stars Barry Morse as a border who is not quite what he seems. A Paragon Home Video Release. Paragon, based in Las Vegas, released a slew of strange horror/action/gore films in the early to mid-80's, such as ONE-ARMED EXECUTIONER (1980), THE WITCHING (1972), MONGREL (1982) and many others, most of them not available on DVD. Try eBay to pick these little gems. They're worth it just for the 15 minutes of obscure trailers that precede each film. Rated R.

THE FURY OF THE WOLFMAN (1970) - This is the third, and weakest, of Waldemar Daninsky's (Paul Naschy) werewolf sagas thanks to the lazy direction of Jose Maria Zabalza (who, according to Naschy, was drunk through most of the filming) and the soap opera-like plot (by screenwriter Naschy, using his real name Jacinto Molina). Professor Waldemar Daninsky (here renamed "Walter" for it's American release) returns from his trip to Tibet afflicted with lycanthropy, a pentagram burned into his chest. He finds out from fellow teacher Dr. Ilona Elmann (Perla Cristal) that his wife Erika (Pilar Zorrilla) has been having an affair. At first, Waldemar doesn't believe Ilona (who secretly is in love with him), but when his car's brakes are tampered with and he gets into a serious accident, he comes around. He goes home, turns into a werewolf, bites Erika and kills her lover. He then runs amok and is electrocuted by a power line. Everyone but Ilona thinks Waldemar is dead, so they bury him. Ilona has him dug up and brings him back to her laboratory, where she straps him to a table and begins experimenting on him, hoping to cure him of his werewolfism and turn him into one of her loyal zombies. Meanwhile, the police and a nosy reporter are investigating Daninsky's death and the subsequent grave robbery. While Ilona performs her experiments, Waldemar  turns into a werewolf. She chains him to a wall and tries to whip the werewolf out of him but he escapes and kills a university student and nearly kills a young woman going to bed, but stops himself. He does manage to kill a husband and his wife in their kitchen, though. The police use dogs to track Daninsky, but lose his scent when he turns back into a human. Waldemar and new friend Karen (Veronica Lujan) try to escape Ilona's lab and find her hidden basement of failed experiments. They set them free and then find Ilona's diary, where Waldemar learns that Ilona has set him up from the start. His wife Erika is now a werewolf and is under Ilona's control. As with all of the Daninsky films, it ends rather badly for nearly everyone.  This film makes absolutely no sense (How does Waldemar break his chains? Why does he go back to Ilona's lab after he has just escaped from it?) and, therefore is enjoyable for all the wrong reasons. It jumps all over the place and I'm still trying to wrap my head around the orgy scenes, Waldemar's fight with a man in shiny armor (what the fuck?) and the purpose of Ilona's experiments. Characters pop in and then disappear, never to be seen again. Ilona's basement of freaks and failed experiments is another head-scratcher. Why would Karen and Waldemar set them free only to fight and kill most of them a few minutes later? If you're looking for answers, don't bother, as there aren't any. There's an unbelievable trite scene near the end of the film where the reporter gets all the answers he needs by asking some previously unseen girl questions in a bar. It's just lazy writing as it tries to tie up all the loose ends with a 30 second scene. The fight between Waldemar and Erika in the finale elicits grins rather than fright. Storywise, this is the worst film in the series and director Zabalza adds nothing of worth visually to the film, probably because he was hammered for the entire shoot. It's also very light in the blood and nudity department, but this could be because the print I viewed came from Avco Embassy (the version titled WEREWOLF NEVER SLEEPS purportedly has more blood and nudity). It's not a TV print, though, because it does contain too much blood for 70's television (Embassy did release this as part of a mid-70's Spanish horror TV package, along with A BELL FROM HELL (1971), NIGHT OF THE SORCERERS (1973), THE WITCHES MOUNTAIN (1971) and others). The next chapter in the Daninsky saga, the excellent WEREWOLF SHADOW (1970), picks up immediately after FURY ends. Also starring Mark Stevens, Michel Rivers and Francisco Amoros. Originally released in a cut print on Unicorn Video and an uncut print on Charter Entertainment. It is now in the public domain and can be purchased on DVD from various budget companies (but in the edited print). Not Rated.

THE GAME (1982) - Three millionaires, tired of playing tennis and attending socialite events, devise an unusual annual event to keep themselves amused. It's called "The Game Of Fear" and it goes like this: Gather an assorted group of people with no family or dependents at a secluded northwestern resort and try to scare the hell out of them. The last person to remain at the resort will receive a prize of one million dollars. Events soon turn deadly as members of the group begin to disappear, meeting grizzly fates. One man is hanged. Another is eaten alive by rats. A girl is shot in the head. After a while it becomes apparent that the three millionaires have nothing to do with the deaths. Then who could it be? Could it be the scarfaced hunchback we briefly glimpse throughout the film? Could it be one of the remaining survivors of the game? Or could it be some as yet unseen killer?  If you guessed the last one, you would be right. As the remaining three survivors of the game leave the resort convinced that it was all a joke and the victims are safe at a motel down the road, the three millionaires are killed by an unexplained ghostly spectre. But even that isn't what it seems. Filmed around the same time as his DEMONS OF LUDLOW and RANA: THE LEGEND OF SHADOW LAKE (aka CROAKED: FROG MONSTER FROM HELL), it looks like director Bill Rebane (INVASION FROM INNER EARTH - 1974) was making this up as he went along. It doesn't make much sense and contains very little nudity (one scene) and very sparse gore, which pretty much knocks off any reason for viewing this Wisconson-lensed whodunit. Rebane does show he has a sense of humor by having his earlier film, THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION (1975), showing on TV while a girl is attacked by a rubbery monster that bursts from her bed. The ghostly spectre at the finale is a frightening creation, but all in all, you'll not be missing much if you let this one pass you by. Now if I could only get my hands on Rebane's BLOOD HARVEST (1985 - purportedly his best film). It's the only film of his I haven't seen. It stars Tiny Tim (!) as a clown who goes on a murderous rampage (or does he?). If it stars Tiny Tim, it must be a horror! (NOTE: I've seen it. See review.) THE GAME stars Tom Blair, Carol Perry, Stuart Osborne and Don Arthur.  A Trans World Entertainment Release. Rated R.

GARDEN OF THE DEAD (1972) - Out of all the zombie films I have viewed over the years, this one holds the title in the following three categories: 1 - It's the shortest (59 minutes); 2 - It's the cheapest (it looks like it was filmed for around $59.00; and, 3 - it's mind-numbingly dumb (written by someone with an IQ of 59). The threadbare plot concerns a bunch of prison camp inmates who manufacture formaldahyde (huh?) for the camp's sadistic warden. The inmates also endlessly sniff the formaldahyde to get high and plan to escape the prison camp. They steal a truck with barrels of formaldahyde and speed off to freedom. Unfortunately, the warden is wise to their plan and ambushes them, causing the inmates to crash the truck, not only killing them but also drenching them in spilled formaldahyde. The warden orders the other inmates to bury them (in what has to be the shallowest graves ever committed to film) and to keep their mouths shut. Wouldn't you know it? The dead inmates rise from their dirt blankets to exact revenge for their deaths. Their only weakness: Light. Any kind of light. Flashlights, headlights, lightbulbs, etc. While the living population of the prison camp try to keep the generator going, the formaldahyde zombies pick them off one-by-one. Where do I start to describe what's wrong with this dizzying exercize in ineptitude? For starters, there's no blood! I've often heard rumors that there's a longer version available, but so far that's all it is: a rumor. The version I viewed is rated PG and it does show some jump cuts which does make me believe that it's edited. Garden tools are shown thrusting down on the victims but never hitting them. If you look closely, you can see blood on the garden tools. That's all the blood on view here. The zombies are another cheap creation. This was an early job for Joe Blasco (who created and played the creature in TRACK OF THE MOONBEAST - 1972) and it looks like he slapped some green-gray makeup on their faces and blackened out their eyes. Their hands look completely normal. The disintegration scenes consist of the zombies letting an Alka-Seltzer dissolve in their mouths. Add to that: a prison a blind man could escape from; total lapses of logic, reason or continuity and absolutely no foul language or sex and you come up with a film that should be viewed only while under the influence of a controlled substance (formaldahyde will do). Directed rather shabbily by the late John Hayes, who has done much better. See DREAM NO EVIL and GRAVE OF THE VAMPIRE (both 1973) for Hayes' career highlights. GARDEN OF THE DEAD (aka TOMB OF THE UNDEAD and GRAVE OF THE UNDEAD) stars John Dennis (THE SLAMS - 1973), Eric Stern (THE LOVE BUTCHER - 1975), Duncan McCloud (BLACK GODFATHER - 1974), Carmen Filpi (ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK - 1981) and a cameo appearance by Lee Frost. A Retromedia Entertainment DVD Release.  Rated PG.

GHOST GAME (2005) - Let me know if you heard this one before: A group of idiotic college students (with the combined IQ of a small rock) rent a remote cabin on the middle of an island only accessible by canoe, where, thirty years earlier, a trio of teenage witches were murdered after performing some magical ceremony. The remainder of the film intercuts past and present, as we slowly learn what the three witches were actually doing at the cabin and how it affects the college students now staying there. Dara (Alexandra Barreto; TOOTH AND NAIL - 2007) finds a diary at the cabin, but the last few pages are torn out. That's too bad, because if those pages were still in there, these stupid college kids (did I mention they had the combined IQ of a toenail?), which also includes Nate (Peter Cilella), his girlfriend Abbey (Shelby Fenner), wise-ass Randy (Curt Cornelius), Cousin Ted (Robert Berson, who became a millionaire by copyrighting the word "extreme" (and every alternate spelling of the word!), Sebastian (Aaron Freeman) and his obnoxious girlfriend Talia (Danielle Hartnett), would never do what they are about to do (again: combined IQ < -1). They find a metal box in a closet and open it, only to find an Ouija board-like device, a map and one missing page of the diary with "Don't Play This Game!" written on it. Instead of heeding this dire warning, Cousin Ted starts palying the game, which releases the spirits of the three witches, who begin killing the college students. Nate is the first to be killed (choked to death) and Randy is drowned after finding that the canoes are missing and trying to swim for help. Dara, Abbey and Cousin Ted figure out the only way to survive is to finish the game, which isn't a game at all, but a Wiccan ceremony, the same ceremony performed by the three witches thirty years earlier. Sebastian is stabbed to death while having sex with Talia, which leaves only four lives left. The quartet must find a number of objects that are drawn on the map found in the metal box and place those objects around a metal pole that acts like a moondial (it lets our students know how much time they have left). Skanky Talia dies next (she's impaled through the neck and stomach by tree branches), so Dara stays by the moondial while Abbey and Cousin Ted look for the remaining objects. Abbey is the next to die (she has her neck broken with a piece of rope) and before the film is over, both Cousin Ted (the only non-teen in the group, yet he's the only virgin!) and Dana will also be dead. Groundskeeper Simon Brady (Eric Scott Woods) buries all the bodies and waits for the next group to rent the cabin. It seems Mr. Brady has been doing this for many years and even makes some money on the side by selling the cars of those unlucky enough not to return from their canoe trips (try not to think too hard or you'll realize the absurdity of it all). I hope this doesn't mean there's gonna be a sequel? Father, Son, Holy Ghost, make it stop!  Competently made, but boring to the extreme and illogical as hell, GHOST GAME suffers the same fate most of these modern DTV "teens in peril" flicks are stricken with: Too much unfunny hipster dialogue, an over-abundance of jackhammer-style editing (not to mention that the flashback footage looks to have been filmed using nightvision goggles) and not enough common sense. Director/co-producer Joe Knee (CULT - 2007) seems to think that a little blood and nudity goes a long way, but the fact is we watch these films to see lots of blood and nudity, not the anemic amounts on view here. While the storyline had possibilities (screenplay by Ben Oren, a staff writer for MTV's now-defunct THE ANDY MILONAKIS SHOW, which would explain the juvenile humor spoken by the cast here), such as the mixing of past and present in the narrative, the execution leaves a lot to be desired. Not only are most of the deaths bloodless (two strangulations, a drowning and a bloodless head-bashing), but the comical dialogue spoken by the cast totally belies the situation they are in. The most groan-inducing line is spoken by Talia when she says, "I thought he (Sebastian) was taking me to a spa!" as she lies dying with two tree branches impaled in her body (the film's bloodiest effect). This film also suffers from a case of fatalism that seems to be infecting many of the newer horror films. Just because everyone dies by the film's conclusion, don't think that a statement is being made. It's a cop-out that is used much too often when a screenwriter can't come up with a proper ending and it just comes off as a lazy way to end a film. Pretend you're a ghost and let this one slip through your hands. Also starring Caroline D'Amore, Sarah Shoup and Sahra Silanee as the three witches. An Image Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated, but there's nothing here that goes beyond an R-Rating.

GHOSTHOUSE (1987) - This is a late entry in the Italian pantheon of haunted house thrillers that flooded the VHS shelves in the 80's. This one is directed by Umberto Lenzi using his Americanized "Humphrey Humbert" pseudonym. The film opens up with a father punishing his little girl Henriette (who killed a cat with a pair of scissors) by locking her and her oversized clown doll in the dark basement. Soon after, the father is killed by an axe to his head and the mother has a butcher knife thrust in her throat by what looks like the clown's hand while all the lightbulbs and mirrors in the house shatter. Twenty years later, Paul (Greg Scott) and Martha (Lara Wendel) investigate a series of ominous radio messages that Paul is picking up on his ham radio. They trace the signal to the site of the murder house, which is now abandoned. They find a ham radio setup in the attic which is owned by a family camping out in a trailer in the back yard. It's not long before the house starts playing with the unwelcome occupants as glass objects begin shattering, clocks shoot fire and Martha see a decapitated head in the washing machine. As they investigate further, people begin to die, as Henriette (Kristen Fougerousse) and her clown doll appear just before someone meets a gruesome death. One has is throat slit by a flying fan blade. Another is cut in half by a guillotine blade. Another nearly dissolves in a pool of lye and is stabbed in the back with a pair of hedge clippers by his own girlfriend who mistakens him for a supernatural demon. Meanwhile, Paul and Martha dig into the history of the house and discover that the only way to end this madness is to burn Henriette's body, which is entombed in a local graveyard. A final stinger at the end proves that it's not that simple.  This Massachusetts-lensed Italian production has a few good kills but nothing much else going for it. The acting is poor and the pacing slow, which is the norm for most Italian haunted house films (WITCHERY - 1988, immediately comes to mind). The scene where Martha is trapped in Henriette's bedroom and is attacked by a flying Mickey Mouse is the film's high point and should have raised Disney's ire. DOCTOR BUTCHER himself, Donald O'Brien (here spelled "O'Brian") makes an appearance as the house's murderous caretaker. It's also awkward that the film's only Black character is portrayed as a hitch-hiking pompous asshole who annoys everyone he meets with a mechanical corpse hand he keeps in his backpack. His death is the only one not shown in detail. There's also plenty of chuckle-inducing dialogue (courtesy of screenwriter Cinthia McGavin) that in no way sounds like any person I know. Umberto Lenzi has certainly done much better than this, as he has directed the first Italian cannibal film, MAN FROM DEEP RIVER (1972), the excellent crime thriller ALMOST HUMAN (1974) and the gaillo thriller EYEBALL (1975). During the 80's, Lenzi directed the crazy zombie film CITY OF THE WALKING DEAD (1980) and the cannibal classic CANNIBAL FEROX (aka MAKE THEM DIE SLOWLY - 1981) and the truly wretched WELCOME TO SPRING BREAK (1988). GHOSTHOUSE (originally titled LA CASA 3) is just typical Italian horror nonsense that's good for a look if you've got nothing better to do. Also starring Mary Sellers, Ron Houck, Kate Silver, Martin Jay and Willy H. Moon. An Imperial Entertainment Home Video Release. Not Rated.

GHOSTKEEPER (1980) - While exploring the woods on their snowmobiles on a wintery New Year's Eve, Marty (Murray Ord), Jenny (Riva Spier) and Chrissie (Sheri McFadden) become stranded at a deserted old hotel deep in the forest when Chrissie's ride becomes disabled during a heavy blizzard. The hotel is empty, so why is the heat on and the shelves stocked with food? Forced to spend the night, the trio make themselves comfortable while Chrissie tries to come on to Marty, much to girlfriend Jenny's disgust. Jenny also has the feeling that they are not alone in this hotel. She is right. It is also occupied by an old woman (Georgie Collins) and her weirdo son Danny (Billy Grove). She is known as the Ghostkeeper and, unknown to our trapped trio, she keeps a furry human-like creature locked-up in the ice cellar which she must feed human flesh. The old woman also shows and unusual interest in Jenny and Jenny in turn feels like she has been brought to this hotel for some unknown purpose. Chrissie is abducted by Danny while taking a bath. He drags her down to the ice cellar, slits her throat and gives her to the creature. The next morning Marty goes outside to find his snowmobile has been intentionally disabled and Chrissie's snowmobile missing. While Marty tries to fix the snowmobile, Jenny is drugged and brought to the cellar. She awakens to find books on ancient Indian legends and old newspaper articles on people found slaughtered at the hotel. She finds the locked ice cellar, opens it and sees the creature. Before she can do anything she is attacked by Danny with a chainsaw. A chase to the attic ensues which results in Danny falling off the roof, impaling himself on the wrought-iron fence below. Seeing this, Marty freaks out, paints his face with grease and runs off into the woods! Jenny finds a shotgun, confronts the old woman (who tells Jenny that she's her mother!) and blows a hole in her belly. She then goes downstairs to the ice cellar and tells the creature not to worry; she will take care of him now. Jenny then finds Marty frozen to death in the woods. She is now the Ghostkeeper and must now keep the creature fed.  Based in part on the Wendigo legend (here spelled "Windigo), this little-seen Lake Louise, Alberta, Canada-lensed horror film also shows that it owes some of its' storyline to the then recently released THE SHINING. The authentic lush snow-filled landscapes and hotel in the middle of nowhere reminds one of that film even if the storyline veers off into another direction. The Windigo creature (played by John MacMillan) is only viewed in the shadows to maintain its effectiveness. The film does show some tampering in the editing as nearly all scenes that show bloodshed are excised or trimmed. This is odd since the tape's packaging carries no rating. Still, it's an interesting little shocker which shouldn't disappoint fans of things that go bump in the night. GHOSTKEEPER was directed and written by James Makichuk (writer of DREAM HOUSE [1998] and ROSWELL: THE ALIENS ATTACK [1999]). A New World Video Release. Not Rated. For more films based on the Wendigo legend see the awful FROSTBITER (1996) and director Larry Fessenden's scary WENDIGO (2001).

GHOST LAKE (2004) - Director Jay Woelfel directed one of my favorite low budget films of the 80's, BEYOND DREAM'S DOOR (1988). For most of the 90's he has toiled for producer Charles Band and others making quick, mostly forgettable horror and exploitation films (see review for DEMONICUS). The good news is that this, his newest film to date, harkens back to his early days as this is a multilayered horror film that will please both gore fans and people who like to use their brains. Rebecca (the beautiful Tatum Adair) has been taking care of her family ever since her father was confined to a wheelchair. One night she decides she needs a break and goes to a nightclub, where she meets a stranger and screws his brains out in the back of his car. While this is happening her parents are succumbing to a gas leak in the home and they both die. Filled with guilt (and maybe seeing things that are not there), Rebecca goes to her parents' cabin in Rushford Lake, NY (a real town) to rest and recuperate. The only problem is, Rebecca is seeing murders occur at the lake and talks to a little girl that no one else sees. She slowly learns that the lake has a history that involves people disappearing every 13 years. It seems that this is a man-made lake and a whole town was submerged to make it. Some of the residents did not make it out alive. So every 13 years the dead rise from the lake and take 13 lives. Rebecca has picked the wrong year to convalesce here. At first the local police think that she is just plain crazy, but soon come around when they begin finding bodies in the lake. Can Rebecca and the police stop more murders from happening? You'll have to watch the film to find out for I do not want to spoil the surprise. Filled with goosebump-inducing scenes of the denizens of the lake decaying before your eyes, GHOST LAKE is the kind of film that stays with you long after it is over. The scene where Rebecca is confronted by a dead fisherman at her door who has come to redeem himself only to be touched by the hand of death is a classic of fright and effects.  Director Woelfel (who also wrote, composed the eerie, effective score and plays the "Shadowy Figure") has a winner here and should be congratulated for making a horror film that does not compromise the story for shocks (although there are plenty). Well done, Jay! Also starring Timothy Prindle (who also handled the stunts), Gregory Lee Kenyon, Azure Sky Decker (as the ghostly little girl), Chuck Franklin, Damian Maffei, Dan Metcalf and Rick Kesler. A Velocity Home Entertainment Release. Rated R. For more on this film being shown at the Microcinema Fest in August 2005, click HERE. For more on Jay Woelfel, go to his website: www.JayWoelfel.com.

GHOST TOWN (1988) - This supernatural horror western was one of the best films to come out of Executive Producer Charles Band's Empire Pictures during the late 80's, but, just like everything Band touches, it had a troubled production history. Director Richard Governor (his only film) walked off the set two weeks before the film finished principal photography (apparently due to an ever-changing unfinished script by Duke Sandefur [THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA - 1989] and continuing interference from Band), which forced Director of Photography Mac Ahlberg to take over and finish it. It's surprising the film turned out so well, even if some of the scenes look frazzled and others look unfinished. The film opens with runaway bride Kate (Catherine Hickland; WITCHERY - 1988) driving through the Arizona desert when she comes up against a downed telephone pole blocking the road. She exits onto a dirt road to get around the blockage, but as she is driving, she can hear the sounds of a horse's hoofs following close behind her, but she sees no horse. Her car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and she is suddenly abducted by someone on horseback, who appears in a strange cloud of dust. Crack shot lawman Langley (Franc Luz; THE NEST - 1987) is assigned to find Kate when her car is discovered abandoned on the side of the dirt road and it's so rusted, crumbling and full of sand, it looks like it has been sitting there for a hundred years. Langley is about to go on a long, strange trip, where past and present collide. While looking for Kate in the desert, Langley is attacked by the mysterious man on horseback and his police vehicle (a Ford Bronco, which is used as a sly joke later in the film) spontaneously combusts, forcing Langley to travel by foot. He comes upon a headstone for a sheriff who was killed in 1870 and when he lifts the headstone off the ground, the sheriff's rotting corpse suddenly springs-up from underground, grabs Langley by his arms and says, "You're the one! You'll rid my town of evil. Don't fail or risk a fate worse than death!" The corpse then crumbles to dust (Langley steals his badge) and Langley takes refuge in a nearby ghost town when a torrential thunderstorm hits. He falls asleep and when he wakes up the next morning, he begins searching the ghost town for Kate (the audience is aware that she is there) and spots many things that shouldn't be there, like rotting corpses littering the entire town and meeting "The Dealer" (Bruce Glover; NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW - 1994), a blind man who speaks in riddles and percentages before suddenly disappearing. To make a long story short, Langley becomes the new sheriff in town (he should have never pinned the dead sheriff's badge to his chest) and must face-off against ghost gunslinger Devlin (Jimmie F. Skaggs; OBLIVION - 1994) and his gang. Devlin is holding (and raping) Kate and the ghost town suddenly springs to undead life with the ghosts of the residents who died there by Devlin's hands. Can Langley defeat Devlin and his gang, put the residents of the ghost town at eternal peace and return Kate to the present?  While the plot hardly makes a lick of sense, what this film does have in spades is a creepy atmosphere that will chill you to the bone. A lot of it can be attributed to Mac Ahlberg's excellent cinematography, but there are scenes here that transcend the photography (such as prostitute Etta [Laura Schaefer] suddenly being surrounded by Devlin's ghost gang on a flight of stairs) and sets a mood that goes beyond creepy and enters a new plateau. There are a few gory scenes on view, such as Devlin getting shot in the cheek that leaves a gaping exit wound (as well as Etta getting pitchforked to death, various slashed throats and gun violence), but this is more a psychological horror film about accepting the cards that are dealt to you and finishing the game on terms that are not always in your favor. GHOST TOWN falters somewhat in the final third (you can almost spot the point where Governor walked off the set and Ahlberg took over, not to mention suddenly completely dropping the secondary story of Langley's boss trying to locate him and an ending that seems rushed and incomplete), but don't let that discourage you from searching-out this unusual film. It's worth the effort. Also starring Penelope Windust, Zitto Kazann, Blake Conway and Michael Alldredge. Originally released on VHS by New World Video with a budget VHS release (recorded in the inferior EP mode) from Starmaker Entertainment a few years later. Image Entertainment also released a widescreen laserdisc in 1989. Try to find a bootleg DVD-R of the laserdisc (the widescreen photography is gorgeous), because you'll probably not see this film released on legitimate DVD for quite some time due to rights issues, like most of Charles Band's Empire Pictures library. Rated R.

THE GHOULS (2003) - You have to give director Chad Ferrin (UNSPEAKABLE - 2000) a lot of credit here. He has created a horror film of unrelenting tension on such a small budget that it probably wouldn't pay for the craft service of one day of a major motion picture. You also have to give Ferrin props for making the hero of the film such a despicable human being. Eric Hayes (Timothy Muskatell, also co-producer) is a stringer, a videographer of human atrocities. He follows leads that he gets on the police scanner in his car and films such things as a husband repeatedly stabbing his wife and a car chase that ends badly. He then sells his tapes to a news director (an unrecognizable Joe Pilato from DAY OF THE DEAD) for airing on the local news. Eric is also a drunk, chain-smoking, crank-sniffing piece of scum who will stoop as low as possible to get the money shot. One night he spots three men dragging a woman into an alley. He picks up his camera thinking that he is about to film a rape in progress. He's in for a big surprise. What he finds instead is the three men are actually ghouls and they are tearing the woman apart, eating her guts and appendages. The ghouls spot him, but Eric gets away and brings his camera to the news director. There's only one problem: Eric, in his crank-induced, booze-fueled stupor, forgot to put a cassette in the camera. The director calls him a loser and throws him out. Eric enlists Clift (Trent Haaga, also an associate producer), another crime videographer (and probably the closest thing he has as a friend in this world because Eric's girlfriend has just left him), to help him find these ghouls and get them on tape. Clift gets captured by the ghouls and Eric has his camera stolen (after getting shots of the ghouls) by a retarded boy at a bus stop. Eric is then knocked-out and brought to the sewers where the ghouls live. He spots Clift hanging by a hook, the skin stripped from his body, but still alive. Eric uses the hook to escape from the locked sewer room and, with a gun he had hidden on his body, kills all the ghouls (including a mother ghoul and her baby!). Back on the surface, Eric spots the retarded boy with his video camera and beats him up and takes the camera back. He goes back to the news director with footage of what he thinks is of the ghouls eating people. What he finds on the tape instead is the retarded boy reciting the famous "You talkin' to me?" scene from TAXI DRIVER and then knocking on a door and killing a woman for no reason! The director, realizing that he has footage that is headline material, says to Eric: "It looks like our boat has come in." Eric, chainsmoking a cigarette, just replies: "You're in the boat. I'm in the water." THE END. This is a powerful little horror film (about 75 minutes long) which tries to point out who is more evil: the people who live above ground and murder, rape and deceive to get what they want (Eric leaves one of the people, a corrupt cop he owes money to, unconscious on the ground as bait for the ghouls, who end up ripping him in half) or the "monsters" who live below the surface, who usually eat the homeless or people who will go unnoticed to stay alive. Ferrin leaves it up to you to decide who is worse. Most of the movie is filmed with a hand-held camera to give it a realistic look and the lighting is all natural. I watched this film with the lights out and I must say that it really affected me. It probably will do the same for you. Since it is such a low-budget flick, it does have some problems with sound and graininess, but, man, it just adds to the atmosphere. Also starring Tina Birchfield, Casey Powell, Stephen Blackehart, James Gunn, Joseph Rhodes and Tiffany Shepis as the mother ghoul. A Silver Nitrate Entertainment Release. Rated R.

THE GINGERDEAD MAN (2005) - I firmly believe that Charles Band (who directed and produced this turd) has finally lost whatever shred of respect and sanity he had left in his overly self-promoted, self-indulgent body. Not only does he have an obsession with all things small (GHOULIES, TROLL, the PUPPETMASTER series, DEMONIC TOYS, DOLLMAN, BLOOD DOLLS and many others), he has also single-handidly destroyed what little self-respect Gary Busey had left. When this film opens, serial killer Millard Findlemeyer (Busey) is robbing a diner and kills everyone inside, except for Sarah Leigh (Robin Sydney). Two years pass and Findlemeyer has been caught and executed, thanks to Sarah's testimony, who now runs her alcoholic mother's bakery. One night, Sarah gets a surprise package at the door marked "Grandma's Gingerbread Seasoning" and, without batting an eyelash or questioning why she's getting a package in the middle of the night, adds the seasoning to her latest batch of gingerbread dough. As we all could have guessed, she shouldn't have done that. The seasoning contained the cremated ashes of Findlemeyer, put there by his vengeance-seeking mother (E. Dee Biddlecome). A series of highly-doubtful "coincidences", including a baker bleeding into the dough and an electrical surge into the oven, create the title character, a killer gingerbread man (voiced by Busey and created by John Carl Buechler) that begins killing bakery customers and employees, cracking wise at every opportunity. The killer cookie's real target is Sarah, who he wants to kill in retribution for his execution. The rest of the film is nothing but a series of badly-staged death scenes, as the Gingerdead Man cuts off fingers (insert lame "ladyfingers" joke here), hits people over the head with a frying pan (that's one strong cookie!) and even drives a car (using a rolling pin to step on the gas pedal!) to achieve his goal of killing Sarah. When all seems lost, baker Brick Fields (Jonathan Chase) returns to the bakery and bites the head off the cookie. He then becomes possessed by Findlemeyer's spirit, turns into a monster (with black makeup around his eyes) and is finally thrown into the oven and burned to a crisp. Thank God!  I actually had a friend tell me that I should watch this, as it was one of the campiest films he can recall viewing. After watching ten minutes of this, I came to this conclusion: I need to get myself some new friends. This is one of the poorest, most poverty-ridden and boring horror films that I have seen in quite a while. It's as if Charles Band (who, nowadays, seems more interested in merchandising than actual filmmaking) forgot everything he learned in over thirty years in the filmmaking business and started from scratch, only this time he's using the brain of a retard with an IQ of 60. Or maybe he just doesn't give a crap anymore. The film plods along at such a lethargic pace, that the scant 71 minute running time (ten minutes of it being slow-running closing credits!) seems three times as long and the script (by Silvia St. Croix and August White, who both should be shot) is nothing but tired old cliches and bad puns (including some of the characters' names, take-offs of food company's names). When Amos Cadbury (Ryan Locke) first catches sight of the Gingerdead Man and says, "How much dough can you make from a talking cookie?", that's about as cerebral as it gets, folks. Gary Busey probably needed some quick coke money, because his face is on-screen for less than three minutes and his looping of his cookie character could have been done in less than an hour. Appearing in shit like this is committing career suicide and if he still has the same agent, he has no one but himself to blame. This is nothing but another one of Band's ultra-low-budget latter-day disasters that, believe it or not, spawned a sequel, GINGERDEAD MAN 2: PASSION OF THE CRUST (2008). I really don't know why anyone would want to torture themselves by watching this, unless they want to view Busey fall off the bottom rung of the career ladder. There's no nudity, very little blood and talentless people in front and behind the camera. I've farted things more interesting than this. Also starring Larry Cedar (who should know better), Daniela Melgoza, Margaret Blye, Alexia Aleman and James Snyder. A Wizard Entertainment DVD Release. Unrated, but there's nothing here approaching blood-drenched gore, just a face slashing, a finger getting cut off and a lame knife-in-the-forehead gag.

GIRLS NITE OUT (1983) - What does the suicide of a certain Dickie Cavanaugh at the Weston Hill Sanitarium have to do with someone in a bear costume killing the students at nearby Dewitt University? It seems Dickie Cavanaugh killed the daughter of college security guard Mac (Hal Holbrook) years earlier and was committed to the sanitarium after being found insane. While Cavanaugh is getting a pauper's midnight burial, someone dressed in black attacks and kills the two gravediggers with a shovel and buries them in the grave instead, then taking off with Cavanaugh's corpse. After a lengthy series of exposition scenes where we are introduced to the college's many students and personnel (there are almost 20 separate characters with their own story arcs!), the killings begin. At a huge sorority party, where students drink heavily, play strip poker, have sex and cheat on each other, someone viciously stabs the student who plays the basketball team's mascot and steals his bear costume. The killer accessorises the costume with a nasty sharp homemade claw, which will be used to rip apart the female cast. The killer also steals the details of the big sorority scavenger hunt, which becomes useful as the killer waits at various sites to target victims. The list of potential suspects (and red herrings) is large. Besides Mac, who seems to harbor resentment against the student body, there's Mike Pryor (David Holbrook, Hal's son), who just caught his girlfriend cheating on him at the party and calls everyone "whores" before storming out (the killer calls the female victims "whores", "bitches" or "sluts" while killing them); Pete 'Maniac' Krizaniac (Mart McChesney), the school's star basketball player who seems to be repressing a secret; and Ralph (John Didricksen), the school nerd who can't score with women, even when he gets them drunk. The killer calls the college radio station after each kill to announce the name of the victim and to proclaim, "Dickie Cavanaugh is back!" So who is the killer and why all the killings? Is it possible that Dickie has a relative on campus?  This early 80's slasher flick is pretty good for what it is, even if it does take nearly 45 minutes for the first college murder to occur. What's unusual is the film's approach of the women as the aggressors and the men as the followers. The girls are shown smoking pot, talking graphically about sex and actually being the ones talking the guys into having sex, rather than vice-versa as in most other horror films. It comes as no surprise then to find out that it is a female doing all the killing, too. While it does take a while for the killings to start, director Robert Duebel (usually a short film and documentary filmmaker) keeps the film moving at a brisk pace, mixing comedy (including fart jokes), personal drama and college hijinks in a pleasing stew and plays plenty of 60's & 70's pop hits (from such artists like The Livin' Spoonful, Ohio Express and Tommy James) on the soundtrack. The murders, committed with a bear paw with serrated knives as claws, are fairly bloody and the red stuff flows freely. Since the killer primarily targets female victims, the first thing that popped into my mind was that the killer must be male, so I was surprised when the killer was unmasked. Also unusual for a slasher film is that it shows two cops (one of them is the late Richard Bright) interviewing all the male characters and each interview ends with the suspect saying, "You don't think I had anything to do with this, do you?" Mac ends up solving the case thanks to tapes the radio station made of the calls and the film ends on a really strong image that will stay in you mind for a few days. This is a damned good mystery as well as a horror film and should please fans. Also known as THE SCAREMAKER. Filmed in Ohio. Also starring Julia Montgomery, James Carroll, Suzanne Barnes, Rutanya Alda, Al McGuire, Matthew Dunn, Gregory Salata, Lauren-Marir Taylor, Lois Robbins, Susan Pitts, Paul Christie and Carrick Glenn. A Thorn EMI Video Release. Also available on DVD from Media Blasters. Rated R.

GNAW (2008) - This British horror variant in the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE/HOSTEL mode opens with an on-screen scrawl stating that over 210,000 people go reported missing in the U.K. every year and, while most of them are found, some are never heard from again. This film is purportedly about what happens to some of those who were never found. After watching an unfortunate girl named Amy (Jennifer Wren) being chased down by some hulking figure in a grotesque mask somewhere in the Suffolk countryside and then being sliced-up into filets in his killing cabin (where he also stirs a big pot of stew containing a human hand), the film switches over to a group of annoying twenty-somethings as they drive to a house in the same area for a weekend of partying. These are stock characters straight out of Stereotypes 101 and includes vegetarian goth chick Lorrie (Sara Dylan); tough chick Hannah (Julia Vandoorne, who picks up a bloody dead cat that she just ran over like she was picking up a piece of paper); her henpecked boyfriend, Ed (Hiram Bleetman); virginal Jill (Rachel Mitchem) and her horny, practical joke-playing boyfriend Jack (Nigel Croft-Adams); and best friend Matt (Oliver Lee Squires), who has a thing for Lorrie. When they walk into the house and discover that a veritable feast of food of every type is laid-out on the dining room table, rather than question its presence, they chow down and eat it, starting with the steak and kidney pie, but when a human hair is found in it, they decide to stick with the desserts instead (good thing, too, because I'm willing to bet both the steak and kidney are of the human variety). It's quite obvious that the masked killer also occupies the house and has a crush on Lorrie (who is harboring her own secrets, as she is prone to sleepwalking and puking her guts out). Could he be related to the house's creepy owner, Mrs. Obadiah (Carrie Cohen), who suddenly appears and begins cooking for the group in an effort to fatten them up? I guess we can all see where this is heading. The killer begins slaughtering the group one-by-one, beginning with Hannah and Ed (both are stabbed with a pitchfork; Hannah in the stomach and Ed in the back [after he steps on a bear trap!] and then both are fed through a meat grinder after being cut into pieces with a chainsaw). He then turns his attention towards Jack, who is tied to a table and has his tongue ripped-out with a pair of pliers. Jill is next on the list, leaving Matt and Lorrie to fend for themselves. When it is revealed that the killer (Gary Faulkner, who is listed in the credits as "The Slaughterman") is actually Mrs. Obadiah's son and Matt is killed (in a scene where I wanted to throw my remote at the screen), Lorrie must defend herself from the killer's totally insane mother. The finale, which takes place one year later, made me actually throw my remote at the TV. Luckily I missed the TV and hit my wife instead, so there was no damage done (Just kidding. I broke my remote.).  This highly derivative horror flick, directed by freshman Gregory Mandry and written by Michael Bell and Max Waller, contains all the usual horror clichés, including being in a location where there is no cellphone service; discovering a room that contains all the previous victims' personal effects; finding rings and other belongings in food and not questioning it; a heroine that doesn't eat meat; and the worst cliché of all: Trying to hide from the killer in the dark while holding a lit flashlight (Why don't you just shoot-up a flare?). The killer, when unmasked, looks no more scary than a soccer hooligan with a shaved head and things go from bad to worse for the viewer when the asthmatic Matt, who has the killer on the ground and is just about to impale him with a pitchfork, decides to drop it and pick up his inhaler instead. It's moments like this that makes GNAW the type of experience that shakes your faith in the horror genre. I almost didn't want to watch another modern horror film ever again. Add to that one of the most stupefying finales in recent memory (yes, it's really that bad) and what you are left with is a film so devoid of characterization or plot (it is very bloody, but blood without story is just blood) that I doubt anyone but diehard gorehounds (and Fangoria) would have anything good to say about it. An Dark Sky Films DVD Release. Not Rated.

GORE MET ZOMBIE CHEF FROM HELL (1986) - After watching the first few minutes of this unfunny horror comedy, I was instantly reminded of how anything, no matter how threadbare and poverty-stricken, could obtain a VHS release in the 80's. All you needed was some attention-grabbing cover art and you were guaranteed a healthy shelf life. This is exactly one of those films and, Christ, it's an endurance test to sit through. In 1386, the Holy Order of the Righteous Brotherhood (which seems to only have three members) convicts fellow member Goza (Theo Depuay, who also handled the lousy makeup effects) of high treason and make him drink a potion that gives him immortality, but forces him to eat human flesh daily or else his body will begin to decompose (Is it just me, or does anyone else fail to see the logic behind the Brotherhood's punishment? Aren't they putting countless human lives at stake for the sake of one man's punishment?). Six hundred years pass and Goza is now the owner of "Goza's Deli and Beach Club", where he kills customers (and a nosy health inspector) and, what he doesn't eat himself, uses the uneaten body parts in the stew he serves his clientele. The bulk of the film is Goza choosing victims and cutting them up with a portable band saw (unconvincingly, mind you), while the Brotherhood tries to find a way to stop him (Which, again, brings up the question: Isn't this the Brotherhood's fault in the first place?). The appearance of a woman named Missy (Kelley Kunicki), the reincarnation of someone Goza knew six hundred years earlier, holds the key to Goza's destruction. She superglues (!) Goza's mouth shut, nails his feet to the floor (with a strangely convenient nailgun) and watches as he decomposes. Now why didn't anyone think of that before?  Atrociuosly acted, edited, photographed and scored (Porn films have better production values), this shot-on 8mm horror flick, directed/produced/co-written/edited/photographed by Don Swan (who, rightfully, never directed anything else), is the filmic equivalent of watching paint dry. The jokes fall flat and lifeless (To give you an example, when Goza kills a girl named Stella and serves a burger made from her flesh to her boyfriend and he finds her engagement ring in the meat, he screams out, "Stella! Stella!" like he's in a high school version of A Streetcar Named Desire. It doesn't get any better than that, folks, especially when Goza advertises for a short order cook and a midget shows up to apply for the job.) and the gore is nothing but dimestore props covered in fake blood. I can't properly describe how mind-numbingly illogical this film really is, from the robed guy carrying a staff who stands outside of Goza's deli (Which isn't a deli at all. It's a bar/restaurant.) and warns everyone not to go inside (Wouldn't Goza just simply make him stew meat and be done with it?), to the state of Goza's kitchen, which is always strewn with human body parts, Don't get me started on the scene where a cop discovers the body parts, sits down in a chair (with his back facing the camera) and is then decapitated with one punch to the head by Goza's assistant cook! At certain points in the film, Goza breaks the fourth wall and talks directly into the camera, chiding the audience for judging him, saying he's no worse than Joe Sixpack ordering food from McDonalds or Burger King! Watching this film is akin to smelling a piece of liver sitting in the blazing sun for three days. If the film itself doesn't question your film-watching habits, the droning electronic music score (coupled with a bad 50's-styled ditty, sung by a local black guy accompanied by a saxophone player) which drowns out much of the dialogue, will surely make you believe that you have a brain tumor. Really, what other explanation could it be? Also starring C.W. Casey, Alan Marx, Michael O'Neill, Joy Merchant, Jeff Pillars and Jeff Baughn, who co-wrote this mess with Swan and William Highsmith. A Camp Video Release. Not available on DVD. Not Rated. (NOTE: If this film looks familiar to readers of this site, it's because I originally gave it the one sentence treatment in the "Short Reviews For Sucky Films" section. That review can still be accessed by clicking HERE.)

GRADUATION DAY (1981) - Minor league slasher film helped by a veteran cast of genre actors. Tragedy strikes at a high school track meet when sprinter Laura Ramstead (Ruth Ann Llorens) drops dead after winning the hundred-yard dash (turns out she had a bad ticker). It's not long before both male and female members of the track team are dispatched in various gory manners. Laura's sister, Anne (Patch Mackenzie; THE DARK TOWER - 1987), takes a leave of absence from the Navy and arrives in town just as a female student is killed while jogging in the woods by someone with a stopwatch and a very sharp knife. Graduation Day is rapidly approaching and some of the athletes blame Coach George Michaels (Christopher George; GRIZZLY - 1976) for Laura's death because he's a no-nonsense kind of guy who pushes his athletes hard. Some say way too hard. Anne returns home to find her mother, Elaine (Beverly Dixon), has become an alcoholic and her stepfather, Ronald (Hal Bokar; REVENGE OF THE BUSHIDO BLADE - 1978), is as verbally and physically abusive since the day she left to join the Navy (He may very well be the reason why she joined). Anne sleeps in Laura's room (Ronald has turned Anne's bedroom into a darkroom) and tells her mother that she only plans to stay until graduation is over (a special trophy in Laura's honor is to be given to Anne) and she has no desire to keeps Laura's life insurance payout, which pleases a drunken Ronald. The black-gloved killer begins crossing out the faces of his victims on a team photo in red lipstick, while Anne tries to figure out why Laura really died; beginning with Laura's boyfriend, Kevin Badger (E. Danny Murphy; FINAL MISSION - 1984), who keeps a shrine of Laura in his home (as well as a crazy grandmother who yells at the TV). Anne likes Kevin and gives him a necklace she was going to give her sister at graduation. Coach Michaels forces gymnast Sally (Denise Cheshire) to do her entire uneven bar routine just for a newspaper photo op and the killer (again with stopwatch in hand) murders her by thrusting a sword through her neck while she is shaving her legs in the shower. Music teacher Mr. Roberts (Richard Balin) is seduced by topless student Dolores (a baby-faced Linnea Quigley) and Principal Guglione (Michael Pataki; GRAVE OF THE VAMPIRE - 1972), who carries a switcblade (red herring alert!), is having an affair with his secretary Blondie (E.J. Peaker), so it's no wonder that no one notices that students are going missing. Mr. Roberts hears a tapping on the pipes and checks out the boiler room (Hasn't he ever watched a horror film?), where someone is playing a cassette tape of his makeout session with Dolores (It's a practical joke by Dolores and Tony [Billy Hufsy] and the entire sequence leads nowhere). Dolores and Tony get caught smoking pot by Officer MacGregor (Virgil Frye; UP FROM THE DEPTHS - 1979), but he lets them off with a warning and tokes-up on the joint he confiscated from them. Anne accuses Coach Michaels of killing her sister, but he tells Anne he "loved" Laura, just like all his students (He also lost his coaching job after graduation is over). The stopwatch killer then dispatches football player Pete (Tom Hintnaus) with a spike-tipped football to his midsection. Think you know who the killer is? I've laid out all the potential suspects, but you'll have to wait until just before the graduation ceremony for the killer to be revealed.  GRADUATION DAY is a painfully slow-moving slasher flick that throws every early-80's trick in the book to liven-up the proceedings, including an opening disco tune, plenty of topless female nudity and even a roller skating scene (where a band called Felony performs their 'hit' song, "Gangster Rock"), but director/co-producer/co-screenwriter Herb Freed (HAUNTS - 1975; BEYOND EVIL - 1980; SURVIVAL GAME - 1987) forgot the most important ingredients: blood and gore. Sure, there are plenty of deaths and some practical makeup effects, but they lack the "oomph" needed to make them memorable. Tony suffers from one of the driest decapitations this side of an Andy Milligan film and Herb Freed hopes the editing, which is full of shock cuts and pre-MTV flash editing (some of it almost subliminal), will keep our minds occupied. It doesn't. The closest thing this film comes to actual gore is when a pole vaulter lands on a bunch of spikes and Anne discovering the dead bodies (and body parts) under the bleachers while being chased by the killer. This is the type of horror film where every major character acts like they could be the killer by doing or saying ominous things (Such as Anne saying to Coach Michaels, "We'll meet again!" Of course they'll meet again. They'll both be at the graduation ceremony!). It's no wonder that Herb Freed gave up filmmaking to become a rabbi! Also starring Carmen Argenziano (FIGHTING MAD - 1978) as Police Inspector Halliday, who appears during the third act to wrap everything up (by shooting the wrong man!). Letter-turner Vanna White also turns up as an overage high school student. Originally released on VHS by RCA/Columbia Pictures Home Video, with a budget VHS by Goodtimes Home Video (recorded in LP mode). Also available on budget DVD from Hollywood DVD Ltd, and a simply horrible DVD from Troma that is the director's cut, with nine extra minutes of footage, none of it gore. Rated R.

THE GRANNY (1994)  -  Semi-funny horror comedy with some witty one-liners and gross effects. Stella Stevens stars as Granny Gargoli, an ill matriarch who is hated by her entire family with the exception of granddaughter Kelly (Shannon Whirry). The rest of the family would like to see Granny dead so they can inherit her multi-million dollar fortune. Granny has her family over for Thanksgiving dinner and they try to kill her by poisoning her soup. They fail. Granny has a visitor in the form of the mysterious Namon Ami (portrayed by director Luca Bercovici), who gives her an elixir  that will give her immortal life provided it is not exposed to the sun. Guess what happens? Granny drinks the tainted elixir and becomes a demon bent on destroying her family. The family (who think Granny is dead) alter her will and throw a party at her house to celebrate her death. Granny slaughters her family in various ways (death by scapel; death by fur stole[!]; death by castration; death by wrestling), saving Kelly for last. Kelly joins forces with Namon Ami to try to defeat Granny. A battle royale breaks out where it seems good wins over evil. In a typical modern-day horror film coda, evil has the final word. Filled with plentiful nudity, bloodletting and funny dialogue (Granny laments on the birth of her son by saying, “I should have swallowed that load!”), this film is not a bad bet if you down a six-pack or smoke some wacky weed beforehand. Stella Stevens is hilarious spouting vulgarisms and acting like a lunatic. She looks like she is having a helluva good time. She has held up pretty well for her age. Stella is no stranger to exploitation films as she has appeared in ARNOLD (1973), THE MANITOU (1978), MOM (1989) and many others. Her biggest claim to fame may be for producing her son, B-movie star Andrew Stevens. Co-starring Pat Sturges, Ryan Bollman, Sandy Helberg and Heather Elizabeth Parker (nice tits). Director Luca Bercovici also made the awful GHOULIES (1985, which spawned many unwanted sequels), the even worse ROCKULA (1990, which thankfully has no sequels) and then graduated to action films such as THE CHAIN (1996), CONVICT 762 (1997) and LUCK OF THE DRAW (2000). THE GRANNY is a step in the right direction for him. A Warner Vision Films Home Video release. Rated R.

GRAVE ROBBERS (1989) - Gory and fun Mexican horror film. During the Dark Ages, the Noble Executioner of a Catholic church is caught trying to rape a young woman and impregnate her with Satan's seed. He is caught before he is able to finish the deed and is tortured on the rack. When he refuses to repent his sins, a church elder plants an axe in his chest. With his dying breath, he puts a curse on the church and the surrounding town, saying, "Someday someone will come and wrench the axe out. Then I'll return with more power...to father Satan's son in one of your descendants!" In the present day, four young graverobbers enter the town's cemetery looking to loot some graves for gold. After digging up a grave and finding no gold (they first light a match to get rid of the methane gas that has built up from the decaying body), female member Rebecca (Erika Buenfil) jumps down into the grave and falls down a shaft when the coffin collapses. Manolo (Ernesto Laguardia) goes in after her and discovers the old torture chamber and a bunch bodies covered in gold and jewels. Armando (German Bernal) and Diana (Maria Rebeca) join their other two grave robbing friends down the shaft and begin looting the bodies. Manolo and Armando find a crypt and open it, even after Rebecca (who is psychic) begs them not to (She says, "Let's go before we're jailed for tomb profanation!"). They find the body of the Noble Executioner and remove the jewel-encrusted axe from his chest. As soon as the axe is removed, a storm brews outside and the bloodshed begins. The four graverobbers hop in their truck to leave, but it's hopelessly stuck in the mud (not much of a surprise there). The revived Executioner grabs his axe out of the back of the truck and goes on a killing spree, first killing two peasants on horseback who try to help the foursome free the truck from the mud. Police Captain Lopez (Fernando Almada) happens to be driving by and sees a riderless horse dart by him. Once he sees the two slaughtered bodies of the peasants, he arrests the four graverobbers for murder. At first he doesn't believe the story they have to tell, but when more bodies turn up brutally murdered, he has no choice. Captain Lopez has another reason to worry: His virginal daughter Olivia (Edna Bolkan) is camping out in the woods with three other female friends and she is the perfect candidate to bear Satan's son. Captain Lopez finds a book bearing the coat of arms of the Holy Inquisition that will put an end to this menace, but it is written in Latin. He goes to his local church to enlist the help of the Padre (Roberto Canedo) in hopes of unlocking the books secrets. As two of the graverobbers meet a bloody end, Captain Lopez must find a way to stop his daughter from becoming Satan's whore. Could the axe be the answer?  This obviously low-budget Mexican horror flick takes a while to get cooking, but once it does, it's pretty gory. Director/scripter Ruben Galindo Jr. (CEMETERY OF TERROR - 1984; DON'T PANIC - 1987) offers us a throat slashing, an axe to the forehead, a hand being chopped off (and the poor girl's stump just won't stop spurting blood!), a decapitation, a nasty chest-bursting scene, an axe to the face, a head squeezed through the grate of a fence, a knife in the hand and other gory mayhem. The effects may not be state-of-the-art, but it's apparent that they're a labor of love and a breath of fresh air when compared to the sterile CGI effects of today. The film has a low-budget atmosphere that's infectious, so it's various shortcomings (including some camera shadows) can be ignored. As with a lot of Spanish and Mexican horror productions, religion plays an important role in the redemption of some of the characters, but GRAVE ROBBERS (on-screen title: LADRONES DE TOMBAS) doesn't hit you over the head with it. This is a good, old-fashioned 80's gore film. Nothing more, nothing less. Also starring Tono Infante, Tony Bravo, Augustin Bernal, Andres Bonfiglio and Andrea Legarreta. Available on a double-sided DVD (with Galindo's CEMETERY OF TERROR) from Deimos Entertainment, an off-shoot of BCI Eclipse. Both films are fullscreen transfers in their original Spanish language with optional English subtitles. The subtitles are serviceable, although my Spanish skills did spot a couple of occasions where some liberties were taken (not to mention some noticable spelling errors). It's still great to see these titles get a legitimate DVD release, though, and I tip my hat to BCI for doing so. Not Rated.

THE GRAVEYARD (2006) - This second sequel to the awful BLOODY MURDER (1999) bears no resemblance to the first two films (which includes 2002's BLOODY MURDER 2, the best in the series) and if it didn't take place in Camp Placid Pines (and Placid Pines Cemetery), it would have nothing in common with them. Which brings up the question: Would you send your kids to a summer camp if you knew it came with it's own namesake cemetery right next door? The film opens with six friends going to the cemetery one night and playing a practical joke on Eric (Mark Salling), where Bobby (Patrick Scott Lewis) dons a rubber fright mask and track suit and chases Eric around the graveyard with a butcher knife. Unfortunately, Eric takes it a little too seriously and impales himself on a wrought iron fence while running away and dies. Bobby is sent away to prison on a manslaughter charge and, when he is paroled five years later, he and the four remaining friends (along with some guests) return to the graveyard for a weekend (they stay in Camp Placid Pines' cabins) to work out their issues. While Bobby acts all mysterious and morose, someone wearing the same costume Bobby wore that fateful night five years earlier begins killing the members one-by-one. Bobby's ex-girlfriend Michelle (Lindsay Ballen) tries to get everyone to share in Bobby's guilt, but some members, including skirt-chasing Jack (Leif Lillehaugen), look on this excursion as a vacation. When Michelle and Sarah (Erin Michelle Lokitz) go to pay their respects at Eric grave (Lucky for them he was buried in the same cemetery where he died!), they find the grave has been recently dug up and Eric's body is missing. Jack's new girlfriend Veronica (Eva Derrek) is strangled by the killer when she's taking a shower and while cook/caretaker Peter Bishop (Markus Potter) leads a search for her through the woods, Sarah's lesbian ex-girlfriend Zoe (Natalie Denise Sperl) shows up and threatens everyone's lives (Never mess with an angry lesbian!), but she dies shortly after when the killer slits her throat (thereby eliminating her as a suspect). After Bobby and Jack play the worst (not to mention unbelievable) practical joke possible, the group finds all their cars disabled, the tires slashed and wires cut. Bobby leaves by himself to make the ten mile trek to the next town, while the masked killer begins slaughtering everyone else in earnest. As bodies begin to pile up, Bobby is arrested by the sheriif he flags down, while the remainder of the group try to figure out who the killer is. You'll have to be stupider than a tree stump not to figure it out yourself.  The best way to describe this film is "yawn". It's not badly made or amateurishly acted (except for a couple of people), but the film offers nothing remotely interesting to horror fans. Like most DTV flicks, the script (by Michael Hurst, who directed the much better than expected HOUSE OF THE DEAD 2 [2005], as well as PUMPKINHEAD: BLOOD FEUD [2007]) is generic and doesn't make a lick of sense. When Bobby and Jack pull their practical joke in the latter half of the film, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back, because it's so unrealistic, it's laughable. Director Michael Feifer (ED GEIN: THE BUTCHER OF PLAINFIELD - 2007) is downright sloppy in a lot of scenes (Eric impalement is pathetic) and has the habit of pulling back when he should be pushing forward. There's an offscreen decapitation, a really bad throat slashing (you can see the blood coming from the blade of the knife), a bloodless strangulation, an electrocution (in the film's second unrealistic plot twist), a hatchet to the chest and other killings, none of them remotely interesting. There's also some nice female nudity (all courtesy of Eva Derrek), but it's not nearly enough to get your mind off on how ordinary the whole film is. The reveal of the killer's identity is telegraphed from the time of the reunion and the actor who plays the sheriff (Sam Bologna) is horrendous and keeps saying, "I haven't fired my gun since 1974!". If you're expecting something special to happen when he finally does fire his gun, forget it. This film's not that inventive. The "surprise" stinger ending leaves it wide-open for another sequel. After enjoying BLOODY MURDER 2 so much, I was expecting something much more entertaining than this. I should have known better. Also starring Chris Stewart and Trish Coren. A Lionsgate Entertainment Release. Rated R.

THE GREAT ALLIGATOR (1979) - Land developer Joshua (Mel Ferrer) has created a tourist trap called Paradise House in some tropical jungle and has invited photographer Daniel Nessel (Claudio Cassinelli) and model Sheena (Geneve Hutton) to come and view the new attraction a few days before it officially opens (When Joshua mentions to Sheena that Eve may have been a black woman, the black Sheena replies, "All I know is that Adam was a stupid shit!"). Joshua assigns his personal assistant, Alice (Barbara Bach), to show Daniel around, but when Daniel views members of the local Kuma tribe being used as menial and dangerous labor for Joshua's new resort, he becomes concerned that Joshua is taking advantage of them. Daniel also becomes worried when he spots Joshua's right-hand man, Peter (Romano Puppo), feeding live pigs to the crocodile population, in order to keep them close to Paradise House as a tourist attraction. Sheena is eaten by a giant alligator while making love to a Kuma tribesman on the eve before the resort's grand opening and, as a busload of tourists arrive to stay at the resort, Daniel finds Sheena's canoe with huge bite marks in it and fears she is dead. When Daniel relays his fears to Joshua about a man-eating alligator on the loose, Joshua prefers that Daniel keeps quiet as not to disturb the resort's full house. Daniel and Alice travel down river to the Kuma tribal village, where they review a ritual being performed by the tribe and they're getting pissed off. They are told by a tribe member that the "Great God" (the giant alligator) has been disturbed by the deforestation and blasting done to create Paradise House and are led to the secret hiding place (in a cave behind a waterfall) of crazy Father Jonathan (Richard Johnson), a missionary who fought the giant alligator years earlier and was the only member from his mission who survived. What a giant alligator is doing living with the crocodile population is never explained, but when Daniel and Alice barely make it back to the resort after being attacked by the alligator and report it to Joshua, he has Peter beat Daniel up when he tries to call for help on the radio. That night, the resort's helicopter is mysteriously dragged into the lagoon and someone destroys the radio's antennae just as the alligator begins to chow-down on the tourists and resort staff. When Joshua refuses to cancel the tourist boat ride down the river (called "Tarzan's Raft"!) and the Kuma tribe kidnaps Alice and plan to use her as their next sacrifice to appease the Great God, Daniel has to spring into action to try to save Alice and the boatload of tourists. He manages to save Alice, but when it comes to the tourists, let's just say the natives are as restless as the alligator.  This Italian JAWS clone, directed by Sergio Martino (TORSO - 1973; MOUNTAIN OF THE CANNIBAL GOD - 1978; SCREAMERS - 1979; AFTER THE FALL OF NEW YORK - 1983; HANDS OF STEEL - 1986) and co-scripted by Luigi Montefiore (aka: George Eastman), holds most of the gore to a minimum until the finale, which shows the tourists fighting for their lives from two sources: The deadly alligator in the water and the Kuma tribe, who have had enough debasement and begin killing the tourists with flaming spears and arrows as soon as they make it to shore. It's the film's best sequence, as the tourists must decide which is the worst death; in the jaws of an alligator or a flaming sharp stick in the gut. Some of the tourists, in their panic, end up impaling themselves on the crocodile fence that surrounds the lagoon. Unfortunately, the rest of the film is fairly routine and bloodless. There's also an annoying subplot where a little girl tourist named Minou (Silvia Collatina) wanders around the resort saying "adorable" things, while her mother and new boyfriend avoid her. Two minutes after listening to her drivel, I was wishing the alligator would make her a snack. Speaking of the alligator, it's kept mainly off-screen or at least clouded by the water, which is a good thing considering what is viewable is not very believable. The scene where the van that Daniel and Alice are in plunges into the lagoon is obviously (bad) model work. The Sri Lanka locations are pretty to look at, though. Also starring Fabrizia Castagnoli, Enzo Fisichella, Bobby Rhodes, Lory Del Santo and Anny Papa. A Gorgon Video Release. Also available on DVD under the title THE BIG ALLIGATOR RIVER from Noshame Entertainment. Not Rated.

GROTESQUE (1987) - This horror film's major distinction is that all of its' sympathetic characters are killed off before it is half over! Linda Blair (enough said) brings along her best friend (Donna Wilkes of ANGEL and BLOOD SONG) to visit her movie makeup effects expert father (Guy Stockwell of SANTA SANGRE) and mother at their house deep in the woods. Along the way they have a chance encounter with a gang of murderous punkers. Blair and Wilkes escape but their problems are far from over. The leader of the gang (Brad Wilson) catches wind that Blair's father keeps a secret stash in his house. Thinking it to be money or drugs (?)  they break into the house and slaughter Wilkes, Blair and her family. While searching for the stash, the punks stumble onto a hidden room containing a deformed man called Patrick. Realizing that Patrick is the hidden stash, the punks flee. Patrick, seeing what was done to Stockwell and Blair, gives chase and kills the punks (including Nells Van Patten and Robert "MANIAC COP" Z'dar) one by one until only Wilson and his girlfriend are left. Blair's uncle (former teen idol Tab Hunter), a plastic surgeon, joins a police posse to find the killers of his family. The posse finds Patrick struggling with Wilson and his girlfriend and kill Patrick (a shotgun blast to the face), thinking that he is the killer. The two remaining punks say that Patrick was the killer and the police release them for lack of evidence. This pisses off Hunter quite a bit since he knows that Patrick couldn't be the killer. He kidnaps the two punks and exacts equal justice while revealing the truth about Patrick and himself. This is not an easy film to criticize. It's hard to tell if the humor is intentional or not. Van Patten's role as a laughing psychopath is one such case. Is it a parody or is he really trying to act? (I often think the same thing whenever I see his dad, Dick, perform.) There is no nudity (although Blair does threaten to take a shower) but there is enough blood and perversity to keep you occupied in its' short 80 minute running time. Director Joe Tornatore (ZEBRA FORCE) and scriptwriter Mikel Angel (who co-directed THE LOVE BUTCHER) also appear in minor roles. George "Buck" Flower was Pre-Production Coordinator. There are reviews out there that state that there's an alternate ending where the whole movie is nothing but a film-within-a-film where the Wolfman and Frankenstein watch the proceedings in a theatre projection booth complaining about how no good horror movies are being made today. They jump out of the booth and scare the hell out of the audience (Blair included). I tend to believe it for two reasons: 1.) The version I viewed ends rather abruptly with happy music playing in the background and, 2.) there are listings for actors playing the Wolfman and Frank N. Stein in the final credits even though they are nowhere to be found here. GROTESQUE is either a good bad film or a bad good film. That decision is up to you. A Media Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.

GUTTERBALLS (2008) - Nasty, unpleasant gore film with hardcore porn scenes (the version that will be released to retail will be missing the hardcore scenes). Two rival bowling teams get into a fight after hours at the Xcaliber Bowling Center, which results in Lisa (Candice Lewald) getting gang-raped and violated with a bowling pin (in a needlessly graphic and overlong scene) by four miscreants, one of them being her ex-boyfriend Steve (Alastair Gamble). The next night, the two opposing teams, one led by Steve and the other led by Jamie (Nathan Witte), Lisa's new boyfriend, meet after hours at the Xcaliber lanes for a bowling competition, but the alleys are being stalked by an unseen killer, who wears a modified bowling bag over his head and uses various bowling-related items to dispatch the cast. Steve and his team are surprised to see Lisa at the tournament, especially since it looks as if she has told no one about the gang-rape the night before. Lisa corners the weakest member of Steve's team, Patrick (Trevor Gemma), and tells him that this will be a night he and everyone else in the bowling alley will never forget. The killer, who keeps tally of his victims on the alley's electronic scoreboard using the initials BBK, strikes first when he suffocates opposing team member Dave (Scott Alonzo) and bimbo Julia (Danielle Munro) as the are performing oral sex on each other (Julia chokes to death on Dave's cock and Dave is asphyxiated on Julia's pussy in graphic close-up). BBK then kills transvestite AJ (Nathan Dashwood) by shoving a bowling pin down his throat and then slicing his penis in half (again in graphic close-up) like a piece of sausage. As BBK continues his killing spree, stabbing one guy repeatedly in the head with a sharpened bowling pin, crushing a girl's head between two bowling balls, strangling another girl with the laces of a pair of bowling shoes, grinding a guy's face to a pulp in a ball polishing machine and anally raping Steve with a sharpened bowling pin and sending his dismembered head up the ball return, the final two bowlers, Jamie and Sarah (Mihola Terzic), try to escape the bowling alley, only to find every exit blocked. The final reveal of the killer(s) is one of the most incoherent and unbelievable endings in modern slasher film history. This X-rated gore flick, directed/written by Ryan Nicholson (TORCHED - 2004; LIVE FEED - 2006), is a foul-mouthed, sex-filled horror film that tries to be a throwback to the gore-drenched slasher flicks of the 80's (including a lot of songs from the 70's & 80's on the soundtrack), but the amateur acting and general cheapness of the production proves to be it's undoing. While the gore effects are very well done (some are absolutely hard to watch, especially the penis slicing) and the inclusion of hardcore sex scenes an added bonus (although it's unlikely most viewers will ever see these scenes when this film gets a distribution deal), the absence of any likable characters (they are either sex-crazed perverts [including the women] or curse word-filled cretins) makes it hard for the audience to give a damn about anyone's fate. If it's gore you want, this film delivers. If it's a coherent plot and interesting characters you crave, you're better off sticking with the actual slasher films of the 80's, where a semblance of plot and character development were more paramount. BBK is a ridiculous looking serial killer, wearing a bowling bag over his head and donning two bowling pins in holsters like they were six-shooters. The unmasking (or rather, unbagging) of BBK and the explanation of what the initials stand for is laughable to the point of being insanely stupid. Let's just say that GUTTERBALLS is bloody as hell but it doesn't have a brain cell in its tiny little head. I also have the feeling that the music soundtrack, which contains songs by Loverboy, Bachman Turner Overdrive, April Wine and Trooper, will probably be altered before it is legally distributed. I seriously doubt an ultra-low-budget film like this could afford the licensing fees for these songs. Also starring Wade Gibb, Jeremy Beland, Jimmy Blais, Stephanie Schacter and Dan Ellis as the mysterious bowling alley manager. Distribution label not yet available, but you can find release info at www.myspace.com/plotdigger. Not Rated, for obvious reasons.

HACK-O-LANTERN (1987) - Grandpa (Hy Pyke) has taken an unusual interest in his grandson Tommy (Gregory Scott Cummins of BLOOD GAMES). Unusual in many ways. It is made clear early on that Grandpa is also Tommy's biological father, the result of Grandpa raping his daughter (Katina Garner) on her wedding day. Grandpa is also the leader of a cult of Satan worshippers and wants Tommy to join the cult on HALLOWEEN NIGHT (the film's alternate title). Grandpa's influence has left its mark on Tommy. He likes the taste of blood, dresses in black clothing, likes his room stuffy and keeps a satanic altar in his bedroom closet. This worries Mom quite a bit as well as Tommy's sister (Carla Baron) and policeman brother (Jeff Brown). To make matters worse, someone wearing a Devil costume is slaughtering the town's population in various ways. When his sister's boyfriend turns up dead (a shovel buried in his head), she blames Tommy and crashes his inauguration with the Devil to exact revenge. She is captured and Grandpa orders Tommy to kill her. He frees her instead which greatly disappoints Grandpa. The climatic showdown at the town's annual Halloween party pits Grandpa against the masked killer. Grandpa dies (but not before passing his powers on to one of his grandkids) and the killer is unmasked (no real surprise). This is an OK horror item which, though short on logic, has enough blood and female frontal nudity to hold your interest. A beheading, a hoe to the side of the head, a branding and a knifing are some of the effects on view. The acting is generally good although Pyke over emotes shamelessly (and he looks like an older version of Mike Myers in WAYNE'S WORLD).  Director Jag Mundhra also made OPEN HOUSE (1987 - with Adrienne Barbeau), THE JIGSAW MURDERS (1988), the Tanya Roberts starrer, NIGHT EYES (1990) and countless erotic thrillers in the 90's. HACK-O-LANTERN is nothing extraordinary, but not bad and is also available on video under the titles THE DAMNING and DEATH MASK. A Legacy Entertainment Release. Rated R.

HALLOWEEN NIGHT (2006) - Another one of The Asylum's quickly-made horror flicks, this one released early to cash-in on Rob Zombie's upcoming HALLOWEEN (2007) remake. A young boy named Chris Vale witnesses his mother being raped and shot in the head by two masked home invaders. A stray bullet hits a steam pipe (in a house?), spraying hot steam all over Chris and burning him over 90% of his body. Ten years later, on Halloween Day, Chris (Scot Nery) escapes from a mental hospital when an orderly makes fun of him by wearing the same kind of mask as the home invaders who killed his mom (the orderly has his throat graphically ripped-out for his stupid and insensitive joke). We then switch to college student David Baxter (Derek Osedach; SNAKES ON A TRAIN - 2006), as he is outfitting his home to be the ultimate haunted house and all his friends start showing up in costume, including his fiancée Shannon (Rebekah Kochan; PIRATES OF TREASURE ISLAND - 2006), who is expecting a marriage proposal. The trouble is, Chris has just killed party guest Todd (Nicholas Daly Clark) when he stops at a gas station bathroom to change into his costume (a masked medieval knight complete with an armory of real edged weapons, in one of the film's most offensive coincidences). Chris dons Todd's costume and, after killing Todd (a sword through the mouth) and his girlfriend (repeated blows to the stomach with a miniature battleaxe until her guts spill out), he heads to David's party. David punks all his friends with an ultimately tasteless practical joke that involves friend Daryll (Jared Michaels; PLAGUERS - 2008), a fake cop and Todd as a hostage, but since Todd isn't actually Todd, the joke does not play out as planned and real cops show up and shut the party down. "Hostage" Chris (still dressed as Todd) impales Daryll with a sword and kills the fake cop (away from everyone else) and heads back to the house, where a pissed-off Shannon (who wasn't in on the prank), David and a few friends (including a couple of horny lesbians) still remain. Chris begins dispatching the few remaining guests with his arsenal of sharp weapons (he favors the battleaxe), but he doesn't harm Shannon because she reminds him of his mother, including the necklace she wears around her neck that David just gave her. The questions soon become: Is it the same exact necklace and where did David get it from? While Chris keeps Shannon tied-up in one of the bedrooms, the killings continue and secrets are revealed (Such as: This is the same house where Chris was disfigured and his mother was raped and killed ten years earlier.). I think we can all see where this is heading; right up to the ready-made finale that leaves this film wide-open for a sequel.  Purportedly based on a true story (yeah, right), HALLOWEEN NIGHT is nothing but a series of gory stalk 'n' slash scenes with a minimum of plot. Director Mark Atkins (EVIL EYES - 2004; HAUNTING OF WINCHESTER HOUSE - 2009; and cinematographer for the majority of The Asylum's productions) and screenwriter Michael Gingold (LEECHES! - 2003) have fashioned a horror film that exists solely on clichés, coincidences and stereotypes (The only person who puts up much of a fight with Chris is one of the lesbians and she gets a wooden clothes hanger shoved through her eye at the end of the fight). The major problem with this film, though, is the performance by Derek Osedach as David. He delivers all his lines (even the most serious ones) in such a glib, almost unrehearsed, manner that he comes across as a younger, less funny, version of Adam Carolla (if you can imagine that). While there is plenty of blood and gore on view, none of it is particularly well done or memorable. It's usually quickly-edited shots of someone being impaled or sliced, followed by shots of the victims spitting-up blood. In other words, another typical flick from the The Asylum, who have never been accused of trying too hard. Also starring Sean Durrie, Alicia Klein, Erica Roby, Amanda Ward, Jay Costelo, Amelia Jackson-Gray and a cameo by Eric Spudic, writer of AQUANOIDS (2003) and director of KILLERS BY NATURE (2005). An Asylum Home Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME (1980) - When Columbia Pictures saw what a monster hit Paramount Pictures had with FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980), they quickly commissioned their own slasher film and this was the result. I must say that their choice of director, J. Lee Thompson, was a bit peculiar, since the closest he came to directing a horror film was the original CAPE FEAR (1962) or the Charles Bronson fantasy Western THE WHITE BUFFALO (1977; Thompson would also direct the majority of Bronson's 80's output, including THE EVIL THAT MEN DO -1984; MESSENGER OF DEATH - 1988; and KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS - 1989). The choice of casting Western film and TV star Glenn Ford to offset the young cast was also an odd choice, in what amounts to an extended cameo (although he does have more screen time here than he did in the strange Italian/German horror film THE VISITOR - 1978), but this whole film has this same odd feel, like its whole purpose was to rush it out to theaters before the slasher craze ran its course. The story is fairly simple: Troubled teen Virginia "Ginny" Wainwright (Melissa Sue Anderson; MIDNIGHT OFFERINGS - 1981) re-enrolls as a student at Crawford Academy and soon members of her new clique of friends begin dying bloody deaths. Previously, Ginny was involved in a car accident where her mother died and Ginny laid in a coma for several months, but an experimental procedure to regrow brain tissue was performed on her, which made Ginny wake up. Her memory is a bit foggy, but as every day passes, she gets bits and pieces of it back with the help of her psychiatrist, Dr. David Faraday (Ford). Harold (Lawrence Dane; RITUALS - 1977), Ginny's very rich father, seems to be holding something back from his daughter, but when more and more of Ginny's friends end up missing (they are actually killed, but only the audience is let in on that), even his money may not buy his way out of this situation. We watch as Ginny's friends meet various bloody demises by a killer dressed in black leather (including the prerequisite gloves): Bernadette (Lesleh Donaldson; FUNERAL HOME - 1981) has her throat slit with a strait razor; Etienne (Michel Rene Labelle) has his face turned into a bloody pulp when his scarf is tossed into the spinning wheels of his motorcycle; Greg (Richard Rebiere) has his trachea crushed when the killer drops a 20 lb. weight on his balls while he is bench-pressing way too much weight; Alfred (Jack Blum) is stabbed in the stomach with garden shears; Steve (Matt Craven; THE INTRUDER WITHIN - 1981) is skewered through the mouth with a shish-kebab tong; Ann (Tracy Bregman; THE CONCRETE JUNGLE - 1982) has her throat cut and is placed in a bathtub; and Dr. Faraday has his skull split open with a fireplace poker. All evidence points to Ginny being the killer and as her eighteenth birthday rapidly approaches, it sets the all-too-familiar scene of all the dead students sitting around Ginny's birthday table, complete with birthday hats and party favors, but an unbelievable final coda reveals if Ginny is really the killer or not (bet on not).  Way too overlong at 111 minutes, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME suffers from that old corporate curse: Yeah, we want to make a teen slasher flick, but let's fill it with characters that were born to be red herrings (not to mention that they don't act like teens I ever knew), adults that act like they were never kids (they either yell at, ignore or patronize the teens) and edit the killings so that they show a hint of red, but never goes "all the way" (You have to hit the freeze frame button on your remote to get the full effect). Another important aspect this film lacks is nudity, something teen slashers must have. The closest it gets is showing Ms. Anderson in her bra. She even takes a shower and we see nothing! So basically what we have here is what a big studio thinks a slasher film should be and, of course, they miss the whole point by a mile. The late Glenn Ford looks and acts bored beyond tears and the screenplay, by John Saxton, Peter Jobin and Timothy Bond, is full of those handy coincidences and surprise reveals that makes audiences groan loudly in disbelief (especially that perfect Melissa Sue Anderson mask that the killer wears in the finale that would make MISSION IMPOSSIBLE envious!). Worth viewing if only to see how big corporations fuck-up the slasher genre. Also starring Lisa Langlois (THE NEST - 1987), Sharon Acker, Frances Hyland, David Eisner and Lenore Zann (VISITING HOURS - 1982). Originally released on VHS by Columbia Pictures Home Entertainment and available on widescreen DVD from Anchor Bay Entertainment. Rated R.

HAPPY HELL NIGHT (1991) - What starts out as a strange and eerie experience quickly turns into standard slasher material in this Canadian/Yugoslavian co-production. A college fraternity sends out its pledges on Hell Night to take a photo of a lunatic named Malius (Charles Cragin) at the local insane asylum. Twenty-five years earlier, Malius killed and dismembered five pledges of the same fraternity and has spent the past quarter century sitting motionless in his cell, the outside world protected by a crucifix attached to his cell door. As you can guess, the pledges fuck-up and release Malius (whose pale, skeletal features make him a sight to behold) and he goes on a killing spree at the college. There's a sub-plot involving a pledge and his brother (the fraternity president) who are both in love with the same girl, but it's not very interesting. Darren McGavin portrays the two brothers' father, a survivor of the original massacre who harbors some secrets of his own. The rest of the film is merely a series of brutal (and unrated) killings, as Malius slashes throats, removes limbs and thrusts an ice hammer through the bodies of unsuspecting college kids having sex, including the welcome death of a video peeping tom (Ted Clark, who looks like comedian Richard Belzer on a herion binge). McGavin arrives to save his kids and confesses that it was he who performed a satanic ritual twenty-five years earlier, raising Malius from the dead (he thought it was a harmless fraternity prank until it was too late). McGavin is then stabbed in the back with his own ice hammer by Malius and as he lays mortally wounded he tells the kids that only the reading of a magical passage, performed at the original massacre site, will return Malius to the grave. They do. He does. The end. Or is it? While this film does have a few atmospheric touches (including a statue of Jesus on the cross coming to life) and plenty of extreme gore, it is basic "Teens have sex, teens get killed" formula filmmaking made popular back in 1980 by FRIDAY THE 13TH. This type of film went out of style years ago. Charles Cragin is terrifying as Malius and one wishes that there were a better storyline to showcase his talents (the ending of this film points the way for a Part 2, but I doubt that will ever happen). Darren McGavin's role in this film is no more than a extended cameo and he looks embarassed to be here. He probably took the role to get a free trip to Yugoslavia (where some exteriors were filmed) and to get some extra booze money. It's a long way from his KOLCHAK days. Everyone else in the cast are unknowns and will probably stay that way. If you are interested, there is some full frontal female nudity on view as well as some good photography, but not enough to get your mind off the fact this is something you have seen a hundred times before. To sum it up, HAPPY HELL NIGHT is neither good or bad. It's just deja vu. Directed by Brian Owens who also got story credit on the 1994 horror opus BRAINSCAN. Released on DVD by Anchor Bay Entertainment to cash-in on co-stars Jorja Fox (TV's CSI) and Sam Rockwell's (MATCHSTICK MEN - 2003) recent fame.  Not Rated.

HATCHET (2007) - When one of the blurbs on the DVD package states "Amongst the greatest slasher flicks of all time", your expectations are automatically set to "high". Sadly, it fails to meet those expectations, but I will give it points for being extremely bloody and downright funny in spots. This Louisiana-set (but filmed on sets in Los Angeles) horror comedy opens with a father/son gator hunting team (played by Robert Englund and Joshua Leonard) being savagely disemboweled and dismembered by some unknown killer with superhuman powers. We then cut to Mardi Gras, where downbeat Ben (Joel David Moore; the paranoid computer game genius "J.R." in GRANDMA'S BOY [2006]), who is trying to get over a recent breakup with his girlfriend, talks his friend Marcus (Deon Richmond; SCREAM 3 - 2000) into taking a haunted midnight swamp tour, run by huckster Shawn (Parry Shen), who knows less about the swamp than his paying customers, which includes know-it-all Mr. Parmetteo (Richard Riehle) and his wife (Patriko Darbo); a Girls Gone Wild-type producer named Doug Shapiro (Joel Murray) and two bimbos, Misty (Mercedes McNab) and Jenna (Joleigh Fioreavianti), who doff their tops at the drop of a hat; and morose local girl Marybeth (Tamara Feldman), who is the daughter and sister of the two missing gator hunters. When the inexperienced Shawn accidentally sinks the tour boat and Mr. Parmetteo is bitten on the leg by a gator, the tour group must traverse the swamp at night. Marybeth tells everyone that the swamp is haunted by the ghost of Victor Crowley (Kane Hodder; also the film's Stunt Coordinator), a horribly disfigured man who was accidentally axed in the head by his father (also played by Hodder in flashbacks) when trying to save him from a house fire (a prank gone wrong perpetrated by local kids with fireworks). Victor makes his presence immediately known and begins killing members of the tour group in extremely graphic ways, while everyone bickers amongst themselves and reveal secrets about each other (Some are damn funny, such as when Jenna reveals that she was not accepted at New Yourk University, so she had to attend Hoffstra instead!). Only Ben and Marybeth are able to keep their wits about them (not to mention their heads) as Victor dispatches the rest of the group. The quick finale (a direct steal from the first FRIDAY THE 13TH [1980]) will have you cursing at the screen in utter disappointment.  The only way to watch this film is by way of the unrated DVD from Anchor Bay Entertainment. It did have a limited theatrical run, but it was a heavily-cut R-rated edit, that trimmed most of the bloody deaths. Director/scripter Adam Green (SPIRAL - 2007; co-directed by star Joel David Moore) spends too much time on character development and jokey dialogue throughout the first half of the film, but once Victor Crowley starts his killing spree, it's pretty much a non-stop gorefest. Special effects master John Carl Buechler (who has a cameo here as a swamp hick named Jack Cracker) and his MMI effects house supply some truly eye-opening and, refreshingly, non-CGI gore set-pieces, including bloody dismemberment by hatchet, a head getting manually ripped apart at the jawline, a head being twisted-off at the neck like a bottlecap, dismemberment and decapitation by shovel, a face being ground to chuck by a gas-powered belt sander (!), arms being ripped out of their sockets and other bloody mayhem. Believe me when I say that nothing is left to the imagination. Green's joke-filled script contains more groaners than hits, but I found myself laughing out loud on several occasions. It's also apparent that Green is a huge fan of slasher films, as he slips in various homages to slasher flicks of the past, especially the FRIDAY THE 13TH series (Parts 1 & 2 are predominantly featured). My biggest complaint, though, is the sudden, senseless ending, which either shows that Green could never figure out a proper finale or he wanted to set it up for the inevitable sequel. Either way, it's nearly an unforgivable cop-out. Die-hard gorehounds should really enjoy this, though. It's well-made, decently acted by a cast of familiar faces and bloody as hell. Tony Todd (who is becoming the Cameron Mitchell of the new millennium) puts in a cameo as the litigious-wary Reverend Zombie, a swamp tour guide who refuses to take Ben and Marcus on a tour because his last customer sued him. An Anchor Bay Entertainment Release. The DVD contains a wealth of extras, including a "making of" documentary, plenty of behind-the-scenes docs on the gore effects and other background info, full-length commentaries by the cast and crew and a funny gag reel. Unrated.

HATCHETMAN (2003) - Here's an original idea: Someone sporting a latex horror mask and a black hooded sweatshirt is killing the strippers who work at a titty bar run by DiAngelo (Gino Maurizio). The unknown killer is particularly interested in the strippers' hands, as he has the tendency to cut them off with his trusty sharp steel hatchet and take them with him. Claudia (Cheryl Burns), a college girl by day/stripper by night (are there any other kind?), is dating cop Sonny (Jon Briddell), who supports Claudia's night job (stripping is helping her pay her way through law school), but really wants to marry her and get her out of the stripping lifestyle. Every time he goes to pop the question, another stripper ends up dead and he has to leave to investigate. The list of suspects (i.e. red herrings) is rather small, but obvious: There's Daniel Strong (Daniel Brown), a ex-boyfriend of one of the dead strippers who was just released from jail; Marty (Matt McDonald), a perverted auto mechanic who lives in the same apartment complex as all the strippers (a plot device that is too coincidental to believe) and likes to sneak into their apartments and try on their underwear; apartment manager Rob (Chris Moir), who has a crush on snooty stripper Star (Mia Zottoli) and has installed a spycam in her apartment so he can watch her; and Rob's friend Curtis (Darren Keefe Reiher), a surveillance specialist and apartment maintenance man who has a thing for novice stripper Molly (Nina Tapanin). When stripper Chloe (Racquel Richard) is found dead in her apartment with her hands missing (her nose-picking days are over), Claudia decides this is the perfect time to re-evaluate her life. Does she give up stripping and marry Sonny? Hell, no, she does the exact opposite! She breaks up with Sonny, the only person who can protect her, and continues stripping, while trying to solve the murders on her own (she is such a fucking idiot!). When Rob spots someone in a black hooded sweatshirt in Star's apartment on his spycam, he alerts a cop, who enters Star's apartment and shoots Marty (who was only there to ransack Star's panty drawer), killing him. Star is then killed in her car, Daniel is arrested and a cop is killed in the apartment after Daniel is captured, which proves that Daniel is innocent and the killer can be only one of two people. The idiotic Claudia and the rest of the strippers celebrate Daniel's arrest by partying with Rob at Curtis' home deep in the woods (c'mon now, I may be gullible but I'm not fuckin' gullible!). I think everyone with half a brain can guess what happens next.  Well, if it's tits and ass you are looking for, HATCHETMAN certainly delivers, much more so than any horror film in recent memory. Hardly five minutes go by without some good-looking gal exposing her breasts (some natural, but most silicon-enhanced) or giving us some gratuitous crotch shots, but the horror elements usually amount to nothing more than showing us the killer swinging his hatchet, followed by shots of blood splashing against walls, windows and other objects. Director Robert Tiffi (a.k.a. Robert Tiffe; SWORD OF HONOR - 1994) does let us see some of the handless corpses after the fact (as well as a pretty lame CGI-enhanced throat slitting), but the screenplay, co-written by Tiffe and Steven Jones, just piles-on one plot convenience and contrivance after another until all the viewer can do is roll their eyes in disbelief. Not only are we expected to believe that all the strippers live in the same apartment complex and that Claudia couldn't have picked the worse time to break-up with Sonny, we are also supposed to believe that Claudia is better at police work than her ex-boyfriend, based solely on the fact that she will soon be entering law school! Once you hear the killer's motivation for the hand removals ("Mommy did bad things with her hands!"), I doubt you'll stay until the film's sorry non-ending. The whole film plays like some third-rate Americanized giallo film, so why don't you watch one of those instead? The acting runs from decent to truly awful (Chris Moir as Rob is simply terrible) and the cinematography is sometimes very atmospheric, but HATCHETMAN fails as a horror film thanks to it's absurd screenplay full of coincidences and mind-numbing motivations. As a T&A flick, on the other hand, it succeeds completely. Also starring Elizabeth Ryan, Fonta Sawyer, Leila Renae and Christina Lepanto. A Showtime Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.

THE HAUNTED (1976) - During the Civil War an Indian woman (Ann Michelle) is accused of witchcraft by a priest and an Army sargeant (Aldo Ray) to cover up the fact that she caught them stealing Indian gold. Her punishment is to be stripped naked, tied to a horse and sent out to the Arizona desert to die. She curses Ray and his family line, saying the curse will be lifted when the gold is returned to its' rightful owners. Over 100 years later, the sargeant's decendent (Ray again) lives in a virtual ghosttown called Apacheland (an old movie location site) with his two nephews (Jim Negele & Brad Rearden) and his dead brother's blind wife (Virginia Mayo). Mayo has gone a little looney thanks to an auto accident which killed her husband and left her sightless. Ray is in love with her (he blames his brother for stealing her away from him) and takes advantage of her now broken mind, making love to her while pretending to be her late husband. Strange things begin to happen in Apacheland. The telephone company installs a phone booth in the middle of the town's cemetery. One night the phone rings, and when Ray picks up the receiver, he hears the voice of the Indian woman telling him that his days are numbered. A young woman pulls into town with car trouble. She bears a striking resemblance to the Indian woman of yore (in fact it is Michelle again). She and Negele build a relationship much to Ray's displeasure. Negele sends his mother off to a sanitarium, feeling that she will get better there. That also pisses Ray off. Ray goes off the deep end (he knows where the gold is buried) and figures that if he kills Michelle the curse will be lifted. In the end, the telephone booth exacts the Indian woman's revenge thanks to Ray's carelessness with gasoline.This is a literate, bloodless exercise in the supernatural hampered by some amateurish acting (especially by Rearden). Director Michael de Gaetano (UFO: TARGET EARTH [1974]; VIDEO DEMONS DO PSYCHOTOWN [1989 - aka BLOODBATH IN PSYCHO TOWN]) gives us lush scenery, fleeting shots of breasts and some metaphysical dialogue. Worth a look if you like your horror more emotional than ensanguined. A Gemstone Entertainment Video Release. Rated R.

HAUNTS (1975) - Ingrid (May Britt, who used to be married to Sammy Davis Jr.) is being stalked by a mysterious maniac wearing a black ski mask and gloves. The killer has already struck once, raping and killing a local girl by cutting her up with a pair of scissors. Her Uncle Carl (Cameron Mitchell) has a hard time believing Ingrid since she has a history of accusing men of rape since she was sexually abused as a little girl. Even the alcoholic Sheriff (Aldo Ray) has his doubts about her claims. More women end up getting murdered by the scissor-weilding psycho, with one of the bodies being dumped at Ingrid's farm, left as chicken food for the chickens. The list of suspects is large: Frankie (William Gray Espy), the local delivery boy who's a real horndog; Uncle Carl, whose appearance in town coincides with the murders; Bill Spry (Robert Hippard), the new guy in town who happens to be in Ingrid's church choir; the Sheriff, who takes his time in coming to Ingrid's rescue; and Ingrid herself, who cannot stand the touch of a man and who's religious convictions are on the obsessive side. Are Ingrid's attacks real or in her imagination? Was she raped by Frankie while she was taking a shower or was that a fantasy? When Bill Spry is shot dead after trying to rape a girl, everyone in the town, except Ingrid, thinks the killer has been silenced. She kills Frankie after he tries to rape her again and Uncle Carl buries him in the back yard. Or did she and does he? It turns out Ingrid is a total loon as Frankie is alive, the police find her favorite goat buried in the back yard and her Uncle Carl has never lived with her. She commits suicide by slitting her wrists in the bathtub, the same thing her mother did years before. An autopsy reveals that Ingrid died a virgin and all of the memories that she had of being sexually abused as a child were all in her head. When Uncle Carl comes to town to claim the body, he tells the Sheriff Ingrid's sad history. Flashbacks at the end reveal that Uncle Carl is not an innocent party in Ingrid's life. Director Herb Freed, who also made the horror films BEYOND EVIL (1980) and GRADUATION DAY (1981), moves this film at a leisurely pace and most fans of horror will find that it moves far too slow. As a study of an unstable mind and the things it takes to trigger the insanity, it hit its' mark. As a horror film, it doesn't get too bloody and, as I have mentioned before, it crawls at a snail's pace. You make up your mind if you want to see it. A Media Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.

HEARTSTOPPER (2006) - More Canadian Tax Credit DTV horror crap. Satanic serial killer Jonathan Chambers (James Binkley) is executed in the electric chair and his death is witnessed by Sheriff Berger (Robert Englund, the crowned king of DTV crud), who captured him, and Dr, Hitchens (Michael Cram), whose interest in serial killers goes way beyond what we would consider professional. It's apparent that Chambers' execution is also anything but professional, as the electric chair is struck by lightning (!) and Chambers' face is horribly burned. While Sheriff Berger and Dr. Hitchens are transporting Chambers' body to the local hospital for an autopsy, they hit suicidal teen Sara Wexler (Meredith Henderson), who is sitting in the middle of the road with her back turned to traffic (she's despondent over her fellow students calling her "Slut"!). They put the injured Sara into the same ambulance as Chambers' corpse (really?) and she witnesses his hands move, but she can't get anyone to believe her, including her insensitive mother (Lori Hallier), who seems more disturbed about driving to the hospital during a raging thunderstorm than her daughter's condition (She's a bitch with a capital "C"). While Dr. Hitchens is performing an autopsy on Chambers, he notices a cyst over Chambers' eye that is oozing yellow puss, so he takes a sample for analysis. Unfortunately, Dr. Hitchens will never get the chance, because Chambers comes to life and rips-out the good doctor's heart with his bare hands (his signature move when he was alive). Chambers then stalks the hospital looking for Sara (they have some as-yet unknown bond), killing everyone else who he comes in contact with, including Sara's mother (he sets her face on fire with a cigarette lighter in a laughable CGI effect), Sheriff Berger (who is shocked with a defibrillator, followed by a manual heart removal) and an entire E.R. room full of staff, patients and visitors. Sara, along with fellow student Walter (Nathan Stephenson) and Nurse Grafton (Laura De Carteret), spend the rest of the film trying to avoid Chambers, as the hospital is running on emergency power, the phone lines are down and all the roads are flooded due to the storm. Need I say more?  This ridiculously cheap horror film, directed by Bob Keen (TO CATCH A YETI - 1994; PROTEUS - 1995), who is better known for his effects work than his directorial skills, is a stereotypical stalk 'n' slash horror flick that delivers some decent unrated gore effects (various heart-rippings; a patient having his chest ripped open until his ribs and internal organs are exposed; a scalpel in the eye; a face slashing), but the storyline (screenplay by Vlady Pildysh and Warren P. Sonoda) is generic to the point of being tiresome. The majority of the film is Sara running through the hospital corridors, while Chambers, who may be possessed by the Devil himself (or "Dark Lord" as Chambers calls him), tries to capture her and take over her body (who better than a suicidal teen, right?). This is the type of film where the villain spouts sarcastic remarks while dispatching his victims and everyone else does the most illogical things possible at the most inopportune times just to advance the plot. Most annoying is Nurse Grafton, who at first is understanding and kind to Sara when she is first admitted, but once the shit starts to hit the fan, she turns into a quivering jackass who tells Walter that Sara has "abandoned them" when she is actually risking her life to find blood so she can give Walter a much-needed transfusion. Nothing here makes very much sense and the film just plods along to its inevitable crappy conclusion (ready-made for a sequel). HEARTSTOPPER is the kind of DTV horror dreck that offers nothing new to the genre. No surprises, no suspense and no imagination. Aviod it unless you are just interested in gore. Also starring Scott Gibson, Ted Ludzik, John Bayliss and Wayne Flemming. An Anchor Bay Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated.

HELLMASTER (1990) - In 1969, a secret government project called the Nietzche Experiment is being run at a private college by Dr. Jones (John Saxon), where he has invented a superman drug that is supposed to increase psychic abilities of anyone who is injected with it. Unfortunately, it also caused many people to mutate and the many college students injected with it died and Dr. Jones mysteriously disappeared and the whole thing was covered up by the government. Twenty years later, Professor Damon (Robert Dole) restarts the experiments on a new batch of college students. One student, Shelly O'Deane (Amy Raasch), begins to have visions of a mysterious man in the campus chapel. That man is Robert (DAWN OF THE DEAD's David Emge), a former TV reporter who was covering a story about a mysterious man who was injecting vagrants and street people with a drug called "The Reward", causing them to become deformed and psychotic and all but four of them died. That man turns out to be Dr. Jones (he's been perfecting his serum in secret for the past 20 years) and ever since he injected Robert's wife with the serum to stop Robert from investigating further, he has devoted his life to tracking down Dr. Jones and putting a stop to his experiment once and for all. Robert has tracked him back to the college where it all began. There's also another problem that has come to the college: The four vagrants (which Dr. Jones has adopted as his "family") that survived "The Reward" have arrived at the college in a strange religious-themed school bus and begin killing the students, teachers and workers, including Shelly's brother Adam (Todd Tesen), a campus security guard. Pretty soon, the entire Jones clan, all hideously deformed, begin stalking the campus, killing some people and injecting others with the serum. Kelly and her best friend Jesse (Jeff Rector), a disabled student, try to stay one step ahead of Dr. Jones and his clan. Shelly's psychic abilities come in handy, but they will need Robert's help, too. Armed with a crossbow that shoots undiluted serum (which causes those already infected to dissolve into a pile of goo), Robert works his way through the Jones family tree, while Shelly and her friends try to beat a hasty retreat. It all ends in the campus chapel, the same location where it ended in 1969, as Shelly finds the secret underground tunnels beneath the chapel and faces off with Dr. Jones, who wants Shelly to join his family because of her strong psychic abilities.  I'm still trying to make sense of this totally confusing horror flick. This was supposedly taken out of director/producer/scripter Douglas Schulze's (DARK HEAVEN - 2002) control and re-edited into this version (a "Director's Cut" was eventually released on DVD, which is almost 15 minutes shorter than this version). It's obvious that scenes have been re-shuffled and shown out of order (probably to alleviate the lagging pace), but all it does is increase the "Huh?" factor, as you'll be scratching your head wondering what the hell is going on. There are plenty of decent makeup effects, including face meltings, impalements and the horrendous faces of the entire Jones clan (Stooges guitarist Ron Asheton plays the nun, "Mama Jones"), but the storyline makes very little sense and John Saxon (in what amounts to an extended cameo) overacts terribly while spouting some of the gamiest dialogue your ears will ever hear ("If I can make them, I can make God!"). My favorite line comes from Jesse, when he is chastising a girl who has just seen her boyfriend melt after having a drum of medical waste dumped on him. When she refuses Jesse's advances, he says to her, "My handicap was born. Yours was chosen!" Unbelievable! Hellmaster is 80% atmosphere (Schulze must be a big Dario Argento fan, as he lights many scenes with bright neon color backgrounds), 20% horror and 100% nonsensical. It's not a complete failure, though, but it could have been so much better if some attention was paid to the screenplay. Nathan J. White (THE CARRIER - 1988) was Executive Producer of this Michigan-lensed film. Also starring Lisa Sheldon Miller, Edward Stevens, Sean Sweeney, Neil Savedes and Suzanne Lablatt. An Action International Pictures Home Video Release. Not Rated.

HELLRAISER: HELLSEEKER (2001) - This is the sixth film in the HELLRAISER series and one of the best since the first two. It would even hold it's own if it had nothing to do with the franchise. Trevor (Dean Winters of OZ) and his wife Kirsty (Ashley Laurence) have an accident in their car and it goes off a bridge into the water. Trevor survives and tries to save Kristy as she is trapped in the car but is unsuccessful. Trevor wakes up in a hospital where he has severe headaches and has hallucinations (?) of grotesque images (including graphic surgery on his own brain) and making love to various women who are not his wife. The police are not sure that Trevor is telling the truth since Kirsty's body was never found. Trevor seems to be living a double life as we learn in bits and pieces that all is not quite what it seems. Trevor may have been having trouble with his marriage and may have planned on having her murdered by having her use the puzzle box displayed so prominently in the previous films. Just like a puzzle, Trevor begins to put the pieces together and may not like it when the final piece is put into place. Pinhead (Doug Bradley) make his first appearance to Trevor while he visits an acupuncturist (how appropriate) to help him relieve his head pain. He asks Trevor what he likes more: "The pleasure or the pain?" while shoving a big needle through Trevor's neck. At his apartment, Trevor spots some faceless hulk following him and finds a video camera on a tripod that makes him see Cenobites torturing him live on a monitor. The police are nearly ready to arrest him for the murder of his wife when they find out that he stands to inherit a vast amount of money from her estate (a reference to the first film is made here, since Laurence is playing the same role she did in that film). Trevor keeps alternating between two worlds, both which make no sense to him. When the final coda is revealed it is a doozy, so I will not spoil it for you here. Suffice to say, all the piece of the puzzle fit together quite nicely. Directed with flair by cinematographer Rick Bota, who must have impressed the bigshots at Dimension Films as they hired him to direct two more films for the series: HELLRAISER: DEADER and HELLRAISER: HELLWORLD (both filmed back-to-back in Romania in 2003, to be released in 2005). Pinhead and the Cenobites are used sparingly here, mainly to good effect. There are a few gory scenes, including an icepick to the head, the aforementioned needle through the neck, a suicide by gunshot from the chin through the brain and various Cenobite violence, including the prerequisite chains and hooks. Not bad for a HELLRAISER film and very good as a stand-alone murder/mystery/horror film. Also starring Rachel Hayward, Sarah Jane Redmond, William S. Taylor, Trevor White and Jody Thompson, who all play a vital part in this literate screenplay by Carl Dupre and Tim Day. A Dimension Home Video Release. Rated R.

THE HEREAFTER (1983) - A little-seen horror film from Britain's answer to Ted V. Mikels, the mysterious Michael J. Murphy (INVITATION TO HELL - 1982; BLOODSTREAM - 1985; DEATH RUN - 1987; SKARE - 2009). The film opens with Neville Harmer (Steven Longhurst) trying to make love to his girlfriend Vicky (Catherine Rowlands) by a roaring fireplace, only to be interrupted by the incessant banging of a cane on the wall by Neville's sickly, abusive and wheelchair-bound father, Alfred (Al Greer), who wants to be put to bed. Vicky wonders out loud how much longer Neville will have to endure his father's constant maltreatments (When Neville carries his father to bed, the old man quips, "Ooh, you smell nice!") and Neville replies, "He'll be dead soon and we can leave this place for good", to which Vicky replies, "Will we?". Neville's father is filthy rich and lords his fortune over Neville's head, also calling Vicky a "slut" who only stays with him because one day he will be rich. The next day, Neville has had enough of his father's verbal and mental abuse, leaving him in his wheelchair on a rocky road. The brakes give out on the wheelchair and good old Dad rolls off a cliff, lands in a lake and dies. Neville is finally free and believes he can now sell his father's mansion and sawmill business for a million pounds, but at the reading of the will, Daddy gets his revenge by stating that Neville must live in the mansion for at least eleven months of the year or else the mansion and the sawmill will be given to charity. Neville and Vicky get married and move into the mansion and Vicky discovers that the house holds some deadly secrets of its own. There's a room in the mansion that Neville keeps locked and he explains to Vicky that his great-great uncle committed suicide in that room (by flinging himself through the window) after watching his commoner girlfriend being gang-raped and drowned by men hired by his uncle's disapproving father. Neville was accidentally locked in that room as a small child and swears he saw the ghosts of his great-great uncle and his girlfriend, which is why he keeps the room locked. Vicky thinks this is all a steaming pile of bunk, so she orders housekeeper Dorothy (Wendy Young) to open the room. Vicky also throws a costume party and has her friend Sylvia (Yvette Gunter) hold a séance. At the séance, Sylvia becomes possessed by Neville's father and soon Neville begins seeing the rotting corpse of his father at the most inopportune times. The question soon becomes: Is Neville actually seeing ghosts or is someone trying to kill him? If it is the latter, who can it be? Karate-loving groundskeeper Patrick (David Slater)? Housekeeper Dorothy? Devoted wife Sally? Or could it be a combination of any two? When Neville takes a header out the window of the once-locked room and nearly dies and the guilty parties exposed to the audience, a now-paraplegic and wheelchair-bound Neville (Oh, do you see the irony?) plays a cat-and-mouse game with the guilty parties after discovering the treachery, setting a plan into motion that proves deadly for everyone involved.  If you ever had the (dis)pleasure of watching a Michael J. Murphy film (he directed and wrote this one using the pseudonym "Michael Melsack"), you know what to expect here: Static camerawork (with plenty of Dutch angles); extremely cheesy makeup effects (a pickaxe to the eye; the rotting corpse of Neville's father; an arm caught in a bear trap; a bloody stabbing); amateurish acting (Murphy has a stock company of actors, many who appear in most of his films [both Steven Longhurst and Catherine Rowlands also appear in Murphy's BLOODSTREAM]); bad post-synch dubbing; and a droning synthesizer score. That doesn't mean THE HEREAFTER (originally known as QUALEN, since this film was expressly made for export to Spain!) is unwatchable, though. For some reason, Murphy's films have a nasty edge to them and, in this film, that nastiness comes in Neville's revenge once he figures out he is being played for a fool (and eventual murder victim). Watching Neville dragging his lifeless lower half up a flight of stairs and discovering all the evidence he needs to put the guilty parties in prison is about as creepy as it comes, yet instead of turning them into the authorities, he devises a devious plan of retribution that will have your attention to the bitter end, bad acting aside. This is by no means a good film, but it is an interesting no-budget horror flick for non-discriminating genre fans. Besides that, it's as rare as fuck. The only legitimate home video release in the entire world was the U.S. VHS tape on the Mogul Communications,Inc. label. Also starring Lindsey Allan, Harry Willowski, Michael Lynch, Marina Lee, Neil Wilkinson and Peter Neal. Not Rated.

HILLSIDE CANNIBALS (2005) - Yes, this is another cheap and boring rip-off from those fine folks at The Asylum, who haven't met a blockbuster film they haven't made a crappy copy of (They prefer you call them "mockbusters", but I prefer the term "barely legal cheap knock-offs"), with titles like H.G. WELLS WAR OF THE WORLDS (2005), SNAKES ON A TRAIN (2006), 666: THE CHILD (2006), HALLOWEEN NIGHT (2006), THE DA VINCI TREASURE (2006), PIRATES OF TREASURE ISLAND (2006), AVH: ALIEN VS. HUNTER (2007), INVASION OF THE POD PEOPLE (2007), TRANSMORPHERS (2007), I AM OMEGA (2007), DEATH RACERS (2008), ALLAN QUATERMAIN AND THE TEMPLE OF SKULLS (2008) and THE DAY THE EARTH STOPPED (2008), usually released to home video mere days ahead of the theatrical release of their big-budget counterparts (with almost the exact same print campaign), in hopes of duping unwary renters and buyers into believing they are getting the real deal. In the case of STOPPED, The Asylum had legal action brought against them from 20th Century Fox (it being released so close to their mega-budget remake of THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL [2008]), but once Fox took a look at Asylum's no-budget rip-off, all they could do was laugh and drop the suit. Which brings us back to HILLSIDE CANNIBALS: It is nothing but an insufferably slow knock-off of Alexandre Aja's 2006 remake of Wes Craven's THE HILLS HAVE EYES with the legend of Sawney Bean tossed in for good measure (which was covered much gorier in EVIL BREED: THE LEGEND OF SAMHAIN [2003]). A group of teenage spelunkers go cave exploring in the middle of the California desert, armed only with a bag of marijuana, some bottles of Jagermeister and their raging hormones. It's not long before they are attacked and graphically killed (one of the girls is cut in half and gets to see the lower half of her body dragged away before she dies) by a tribe of mutant cannibals who speak in a thick Irish brogue. It turns out the leader of the cannibals is good old Sawney Bean himself (how he got to California is never explained) and he's been able to keep his clan going by eating wayward people who stray into their territory and occasionally accepting a new member into the fold, like they do with Ben (Tom Nagle), one of the spelunkers. Only Linda (Heather Conforto), Bill's girlfriend, escapes the clutches of the cannibal clan (thanks to an understanding cannibal member), but when she is picked-up by the Sheriff (Louis Graham), he doesn't believe her story and thinks she's high on drugs (not to mention that she's a teenage runaway reported missing by her parents). Linda escapes from the Sheriff (turns out he works in cahoots with the cannibals) and decides to deal with the situation on her own, so she heads back to the caves, rescues Bill and then are both pursued through the desert by the cannibals. Bill is quickly recaptured and tortured (some of his fingers are cut off with a pair of scissors and eaten in front of him), leaving Linda to join forces with Ted (Chriss Anglin), another survivor who witnessed his family being killed by the cannibals and vowed to get revenge. They both go the the caves and...hell, I can't go on with this charade. This film blows so hard, it would make a professional hooker give up her profession. This film doesn't conclude, it just ends, like the filmmakers ran out of film and hoped you didn't notice.  It's films like this that gives tripe a bad name. It's horrendously photographed (some shots are blocked so poorly, heads are cut off at nose level, which leads me to believe that this film was filmed open matte and cropped to look widescreen), badly acted and full of dime store gore effects. This is just a lazy film filled with too many questions and no answers. Even if we take for granted that Sawney Bean somehow made the trip to California unnoticed, when it's revealed that the Sheriff is actually working in conjunction with the cannibal clan (even going as far as to set up road blocks so the cannibals can attack unwary motorists), it just shows how lazy director Leigh Scott (THE BEAST OF BRAY ROAD - 2005; THE HITCHHIKER - 2007) and Steven Bevilacqua (WHEN A KILLER CALLS - 2006; just try to guess what film he's ripping-off here) really are. There's not much to recommend here besides some cheap gore (a face being removed and then worn by one of the cannibals; some throat slittings; flesh eating; various dismemberments), but, again, the laziness factor comes into play by giving the cannibals horribly mutated faces, but leaving the rest of their extremities (like their arms and hands) totally untouched. There's no other excuse for doing something like that except for sheer laziness and shooting with a budget that wouldn't pay for the craft service on the film that "inspired" it. The Asylum has nothing but contempt for their audience, so why bother supporting them by watching these abominations? Do yourself a favor and spend your time more productively, like trimming your nails or cleaning out your ears. All HILLSIDE CANNIBALS will do is bore you to tears. Also starring Frank Pacheco, Erica Roby, Marie Westbrook, Tom Downey, Crystal Napoles, Ella Holden, Katayoun Dara and director Scott as Sawney Bean. An Asylum Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated.

THE HILLS RUN RED (2009) - Low-budget horror films of the new Millennium are a mixed bag. Most of them rely too much on CGI effects, even on practical makeup effects. They may be saving themselves a few dollars, but CGI still hasn't progressed to the point (at least in my eyes) of replacing good, old-fashioned prosthetics blood and gore and those films that try to do it stick out like a sore thumb. Which is why THE HILLS RUN RED is such a mixed bag. After offering us a truly disgusting sequence over the opening titles, where a young boy mutilates his face with a pair of scissors while an old lady sings "Hush Little Baby" on the soundtrack and the kid then hides his horrendously bloody face behind a Babyface mask, the film then quickly degenerates into a bunch of cheap scares and obvious CGI-enhanced blood and gore. The film informs us that, in 1982, controversial film director Wilson Wyler Concannon (William Sadler; DISTURBING BEHAVIOR - 1998) released his only film, aptly titled THE HILLS RUN RED, and it was quickly pulled from theaters because of its graphic depictions of sadism and murder. All known prints of the film vanished and no cast members were ever located. Over the years, it has become the Holy Grail of film historians, as all that remains of the film is a crudely made trailer and director Concannon was never heard from again. Tyler (Tad Hilgenbrinck; AMUSEMENT - 2007) is obsessed with the film, including the trailer (which we see), so he decides to track down director Concannon. Tyler has found out where Concannon's daughter, Alexa (Sophie Monk), lives, so he, reluctant girlfriend Serina (Janet Montgomery; WRONG TURN 3: LEFT FOR DEAD - 2009) and best friend Lalo (Alex Wyndham), along with Alexa (who is a coke-sniffing, heroin-addicted stripper at a titty bar who tries to give Tyler a lapdance on their first meeting), head-out to the locations where the film was shot in hope of locating Concannon and a copy of the film (But not before Tyler cures Alexa of her heroin addiction and Serina cheats on Tyler by sleeping with Lalo! Yeah, this is a screwed-up bunch.). While Tyler films a documentary of their exploits, Alexa (whose memory is fuzzy, but she believes her father died ten years ago) leads the group to the film's locations and they eventually end up at the film's main location: a house deep in the woods, where Tyler hopes to discover a copy of the film in its attic (Talk about wishful thinking!). What they don't count on is that the film's villain, Babyface, may actually be real (Alexa tells everyone that Babyface was portrayed by a local non-actor who was "slow in the head"). It's not long before the documentary shoot turns into a quest for survival, as Babyface begins his killing spree, infidelities (of all kinds) are exposed and it looks as if someone else is filming the new action and horror for a movie of their own. Care to guess who that can be?  While the film has an interesting premise (I'm a sucker for "lost movie" plots, since I've been on some Holy Grail hunts myself, especially a multi-country hunt for a surviving print of Charles Nizet's VOODOO HEARTBEAT [1972] that would make an interesting novel, encompassing rigged bidding, political intrigue and death threats!), all hope is lost for THE HILLS RUN RED when snippets of the lost film's gory killings (especially one poor girl getting torn in half with the help of barb wire and a tree booby trap) reveals that most of them were achieved with the help of CGI (In 1982? C'mon!). Things go from bad to worse when a bunch of local yokels, led by Sonny (Ewan Bailey), take the foursome captive in the middle of the woods and begin to film their own porno film, with Alexa as the star (we learn later that this was all a ruse), only to be saved by Babyface, who then begins to kill the foursome, beginning with Lalo. Director Dave Parker (his first feature film since 2000's THE DEAD HATE THE LIVING) and screenwriter David J. Schow (LEATHERFACE: THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 3 - 1990) make sure they don't miss any horror film clichés here, from a barn full of hanging body parts, Babyface being nearly indestructible and superhuman in strength and a not-very-surprising late reveal that one of the foursome has set-up this whole scenario from the start and has been doing it for years, helping Daddy remake the film over-and-over since 1982. While there is plenty of blood, gore and nudity (Sophie Monk has the finest tits money can buy), THE HILLS RUN RED rings hollow for most of its running time, especially the ridiculous torture porn finale, William Sadler's shameless over-acting and the "surprise" ending (which made me want to kick-in my TV screen). Filmed in Bulgaria, where law states that every citizen must have at least one "v" in his or her name (try reading the closing credits!). Also starring Mike Straub, Joy McBrinn, Hristo Mitzkov and Raicho Vasilev as Babyface. A Warner Premiere DVD Release. Rated R.

HOLLYWOOD MEATCLEAVER MASSACRE (1976) - Christopher Lee appears on screen to give us a brief history of the human soul and how, throughout history, it is able to leave the body and then return. Mr. Lee then goes on to describe evil spirits throughout history. What does this have to do with the rest of the film? Not very much, but it does lend a touch of class to a rather classless film. The film proper opens with occult history teacher Professor Cantrell (James Habif) giving a class to his college students on an evil spirit called Morak, which legend says will do your bidding if you chant his name. When the professor makes student Mason (Larry Justin) look like a fool in front of his classmates, he and three of his buddies decide to teach the professor a lesson (after getting drunk and stoned). Wearing stockings on their heads, they break into the professor's house, where they knock