NAIL GUN MASSACRE (1985) - The tag line to this crappy film is "It's Cheaper Than A Chainsaw!". My God, it's cheaper than the change in my pocket! After a girl is gang raped by a bunch of construction workers, a fatigue-wearing helmeted killer driving a beige hearse begins killing construction workers and their girlfriends with an air-powered nail gun. The unknown killer talks in an electronically-altered voice and cracks wise every time a killing is performed. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who the killer is, but half the fun in watching this film is spotting the constant gaffes, flubbed line readings and cheap cost-cutting. The sheriff drives a regular car with no markings or police lights (and no, it's not an unmarked car!). His badge and gun also switch sides at various times. When one person is killed and lands on a gas grill, it's very apparent than when he starts to fall over you can see him steady himself with his hand against a fence. When the killer is finally dispatched by falling off a crane, it's plain to see him landing on mats for what the filmmakers thought was beneath camera range. It's also clear to see that a woman is playing the killer throughout the film, so when the killer is unmasked and it turns out to be a man, it's either a cheat or the killer actually got away. It's never explained. Though the killings are bloody and some are creative, such as when one man has his crotch nailed after taking a leak and pissing on the killer, it's all done very cheaply and with a bunch of non-pros pleading for their lives. The dead bodies can plainly be seen breathing while the sheriff and the doctor examine their bodies, and who wouldn't be suspicious of a helmeted person seen driving a hearse? The sheriff spots the hearse on the side of the road and simply dismisses it as an abandoned car and drives off! You have to love films like this for their sheer audacity in thinking audiences are as stupid as the characters in the film. It took two directors, Terry Lofton (who also did the effects) and Bill Leslie, to make this one and, surprise!, it's their only credit to date. Whoever said "Two heads are better than one" definitely did not see this film. Starring Rocky Patterson (THE DARK DEALER - 1992; THE DIGITAL PROPHET - 1995), who also provided voices for director Cullen Blaine's unintentionally hilarious ROBOCOP rip-off R.O.T.O.R. (1987), Ron Queen, Beau Leland, Michelle Meyer and Pamela Rene. Most of the actors in this film would next turn up in late actor Adan Roarke's directorial debut TRESPASSES (1986), which was also Lou Diamond Phillips' first starring role. A Magnum Entertainment Home Video Release. Believe it or not, this also got a DVD release from Synapse Films. Not Rated.

THE NAKED COUNTRY (1985) - This is one strange film. Set in the outback of Australia, it concerns a cattle rancher who is having some trouble with a local Aborigine tribe over who owns the land his ranch is on. He owns the deed but the Aborigines don’t agree with the white man’s law. When the rancher surprises some youthful tribe members slaughtering his prized stud bull, the Aborigines chase him down and the film crosses over into NAKED PREY territory. This is just a small portion of the film as there are many subplots to deal with. One subplot is about a local policeman with a huge drinking problem. He is assigned to the rancher’s case (which also includes some mysterious murders of Aborigines) and has a one night stand with the rancher’s sexually frustrated wife (Rebecca Gilling). Throw in some mysticism, sexual tension, a cave of the dead and more impalements than a visit to an acupuncturist and you have what is undoubtedly the most unclassifiable film to be released on video in many a year. Recommended for many reasons, especially for the realistic transformation of the rancher from an unloving dirty bastard to a truly sympathetic character. Starring John Stanton, John Jarratt and Ivar Kants. Directed with style by Tim Burstall (ATTACK FORCE Z - 1981). From Hemdale Home Video. Rated R.

NEON MANIACS (1985) - This film doesn't make much sense, but it is very bloody and has some interesting setpieces. A group of mutated monsters living inside the Golden Gate Bridge, come out at night and slaughter as many people as possible. If you rip off an appendage, it grows back. The only defense against these monsters is water. They dissolve when expose to it. None of this is explained why and the ending is left wide open. Storywise, this film sucks, but if gore and blood are all you need, you'll be pleasantly pleased. In the first few minutes alone, you'll see a girl get her head cut off while giving her boyfriend a blowjob, a body cut in half, an arm decapitation, crossbow arrow through the back and other mayhem. Later on there are other various bloody killings on a subway, on a bus and in the finale, at a battle of the bands. The creatures in this film remind me of some of the cenobites in HELLRAISER (1987) and the effects work of Douglas J. White are top notch. Monsters have their heads come off after being sprayed with a fire hose, another is dissolved in a shower by a monster-savvy teen (Donna Locke) and various people get slaughtered in graphic ways (I especially liked the crossbow arrow through the back of some prom girl's head, the arrow protruding out of her mouth). Director Joseph Mangine, mainly known as a cinematographer on such films as SQUIRM (1976) and ALONE IN THE DARK (1982), also shot this one with a stylish hand but it's a shame that screenwriter Mark Patrick Carducci did not give him some plot to go with his gore. This film is still an entertaining failure and a good bet for gore fans. How this got by with an R rating is still beyond me. The MPAA must have been taking a nap when this film was screened. Also starring Allan Hayes, Leilani Sarelle, Victor Elliot Brandt and Bo Sabato. A Lightning Video Release. Available on DVD from Anchor Bay. Rated R.

NEMESIS (1992) - Director Albert Pyun (OMEGA DOOM) strikes again! Olivier Gruner (ANGEL TOWN - 1990) stars as a cyborg ex-cop sent out on one last mission against his will. It is the year 2027 and the United States and Japan have merged into one country (isn't that happening now?). Gruner must try to stop his ex-lover from doing harm to a planned meeting of world leaders before a bomb that was implanted in his heart explodes. The plot veers off on too many tangents. The storyline is so confusing, you'll wonder what in the hell is going on. The film does contain some good special effects and action sequences, even if they are nearly destroyed by Pyun's lazy directorial style. It has the same look as his earlier film CYBORG (1989). Also starring Tim Thomerson, Brion James, Deborah Shelton and a pistol-packing grannie (one of the films few bright spots). Proceed at your own risk. From Imperial Entertainment. Rated R.

NIGHTBEAST (1982) - Call me a masochist, but I actually liked this Don Dohler-directed piece of Z-Grade trash. Yes, you heard me right. I actually liked a Don Dohler film! An alien (what else?) crash lands in the Maryland woods and starts offing the populace with his trusty ray gun and sharp teeth and claws. There's also couple of subplots dealing with a criminal and a wife-beater, but it's the alien plot that steals the show. There's gore a-plenty as limbs are torn off, intestines are ripped out, faces are mutilated and other bloody mayhem is on view. This is by far Dohler's bloodiest and most family-unfriendly film as copious nudity is also present. It's as if Dohler threw caution to the wind and made an 80's-styled gore-a-thon and that's this film's only saving grace as the acting is abysmal (as usual), the film stock changes from scene to scene, and some (but not all) of the effects are of the grade school level. Some of the gore is actually quite effective as faces are ripped apart with their eyeballs hanging out and other body organs are removed in a way that no doctor would approve. The scene of the two cops making love will have you howling with laughter ("Let's get those pants off!" and "Mind if I take this shirt off? Only if I can take this towel off."). Lets just say that Dohler lets everything rip in this film and more than makes up for THE ALIEN FACTOR (1978), FIEND (1980), and GALAXY INVADER (1985), films that can be best described as family-friendly pieces of shit. NIGHTBEAST stars the usual cast of Dohler regulars: George Stover, Don Leifert, Tom Griffith as well as Jamie Zemeral, Karin Kardian, Dick Dyszel and Dennis McGeehan as the alien. It's not a bad way to spend 81 minutes if you put your brain in neutral. A Paragon Video Release. Not Rated.

NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW (1995)  - About twenty minutes into this film I realizes that I was watching an unofficial remake of the Julian Sands-starrer WARLOCK (1990). The only difference is that a scarecrow is the villian in this one. A tractor accidentally opens the sealed grave of a mean warlock (John Lazar of BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS - 1970) buried there a hundred years earlier. His spirit enters the body of a scarecrow and roams a small farming town looking for his magical book which will permit him to take human form and rule the world. Of course he kill anyone who gets in his way. Besides some good camera work and a couple of inventive deaths  (co-star Bruce Glover has his lips sewn shut in grisly close-up), this film does not deliver on the chills promised on the video box. It’s rather bland and full of missed opportunities. Watch the infinitely scarier SCARECROWS instead. Starring Elizabeth Barondes, John Mese, Stephen Root, Gary Lockwood and Howard Swain as the scarecrow. Directed with little imagination by Jeff Burr (LEATHERFACE: THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 3). A Republic Pictures Home Video Release. Rated R.

NIGHT RIPPER (1986) - God, I hate shot-on-video crap. Director Jeff Hathcock (FERTILIZE THE BLASPHEMING BOMBSHELL - 1989) has created another piece of SOV shit concerning an unseen psycho killing models and other pretty girls with a big butcher knife. It's not hard to figure out who the killer is and the droning synthesizer score (by Bill Parsely, no sage, rosemary or thyme, though) will have you reaching for the Tylenol quicker than you can say "I must have a brain tumor". The acting is atrocious, many lines are flubbed (and probably snorted) and the only claim to fame this "film" has is that it stars Larry Thomas, who later would become known for playing the infamous "Soup Nazi" on SEINFELD. My guess is that he would rather delete this one from his resume, even if he did do another horror film, the rather forgettable TERROR ON TOUR (1980, as "Larry Thomasof"). This made-for-video thriller made its' premiere on the long-defunct International Video Presentations label, right after the first made-for-video horror film BLOOD CULT (1985) was released on home video. This was a sad day for all horror fans as hundreds of these type of productions flooded the market and we had no idea what we were in store for. This is one of those films. Also starring James Hansen, April Anne, Danielle Louis and Simon De Soto. Not Rated, but contains throat slashings and various bloody stabbings; the effects (by Paul Herndon) are of the high-school variety. Onscreen Title: NIGHT RIPPER! (exclamation point included, just like Hathcock's other awful film VICTIMS!).

NIGHT TERROR (1989) - Uninspired trilogy of terror tales whose framing device is a mental patient who is able to hone in on other peoples' dreams. The first tale is about a "master cocksman" who gets his comeuppance at the hand of devil worshippers. The second story concerns a rich land developer who is haunted by a carnival barker because he is going to tear down an historic rollercoaster. The third tale is about a trio of punks who are stalked by killer toys after they murder a toymaker. None of the tales are original and are told in a lackluster way. Punctuated by bad acting and poor sound, I could think of better ways to spend 96 minutes. Like counting my nasal hairs while picking my ass with a claw hammer. Starring Jeff Keel, Guy Ecker, Jon Hoffman and Heidi Hutson. Written and directed by Michael Weaver and Paul Howard. A Magnum Entertainment Video Release. Not Rated; contains a couple of throat slashings and a dismemberment by axe.

NO PLACE TO HIDE (1991) - Another rip-off from Cannon Films which, based on the synopsis on the video box, makes you believe that you are about to view an occult film. Don’t you believe it! When a young ballerina is savagely murdered, depressed cop Kris Kristofferson (who always looks as if he is being given an enema) is assigned to protect the ballerina’s smart-assed 14 year-old sister (a coked-out Drew Barrymore). Someone is after her and the videotape that was given to her by her sister. Kristofferson, who lost his wife and daughter due to a drunk driver (played by Jason actor Kane Hodder), and Barrymore build a slow (and boring) relationship before we find out that Barrymore is targeted for death by a vigilante group led by police captain Martin Landau, who is trying to cover his ass. Oh, please! It’s crap films like this uninvolving turd which eventually led to the downfall of Cannon Films. Written and directed by Richard Danus with his hand up his anus. A Cannon Video Release. Rated R.

PHANTOM OF DEATH (1987) - Michael York plays a concert pianist who suffers from a disease called Progeria, causing him to age rapidly and go insane. He taunts a police detective (Donald Pleasence) as he goes on a killing spree. The police have a hard time catching him because clues at the murder scenes indicate different people of varying ages are committing the crimes. Bloody killings and a somewhat literate screenplay raise this one a notch or two above the standard Italian slasher genre. Directed capably by Ruggero Deodato (CANNIBAL HALOCAUST, CUT AND RUN). Also known as OFF BALANCE. A Vidmark Entertainment Home Video Release. Unrated.

PLAYROOM (1989) - A child survives the slaughter of his entire family at an old monastery built into the side of a mountain in some eastern European Country. Now an adult and residing in America, he decides to return to find out what really happened. He takes with him his girlfriend (Lisa Aliff), an alcoholic photographer (James Purcell) and his girlfriend (Jamie Rose of CHOPPER CHICKS IN ZOMBIETOWN). His father was an archeologist who was searching for the tomb of a child who liked to torture people.. He decides to follow in his father's footsteps, and once the group arrives at their destination, he finds what he is looking for. The child demon (Aron Eisenberg, also in PUPPETMASTER III) possesses him. A nutcase (Vincent Schiavelli), who worked with his father, escapes from a mental ward and sets out to stop the oncoming slaughter. While mainly a stalk-and-slash in the latter half, the torture devices are interesting, especially the buzzsaw chair. Vincent Schiavelli (GHOST) adds humor to his role as an over the edge mental case. While this film is nothing special, you may want to rent it if the major releases are gone from the shelves. Directed by Manny Coto (DR. GIGGLES - 1992, STAR KID - 1997). PLAYROOM is also available on video under the title SCHIZO. A Republic Pictures Home Video Release. Rated R.

THE POSSESSED! (1974) - They sure don't make films like this anymore! Even though this film (aka HELP ME, I'M POSSESSED!) is badly acted, looks like it was edited with a hacksaw and contains the worst music soundtrack in recent memory, it is so loony, nonsensical and colorful that it transcends a normal viewing experience. A series of brutal murders take place in the vicinity of Blackwood Sanitarium, located in the middle of the Nevada desert. This nut bin is run by the demented Dr. Arthur Blackwood (Bill Greer, who also wrote the screenplay), who believes that all evil must be cast out of the body by what ever means possible. Whe his patients misbehave, Dr. Blackwood tortures and kills them using guillotines, whips and, in one instance, locking one patient in a coffin with a poisonous snake. When notified by one of his nurses that a patient he has tortured is dead, the good doctor replies "Death ia a fabrication of the mind!" The doc has a retarded sister (Lynn Marta) who keeps one of his experiments ("The total personification of evil!") locked in a nearby cave. She lets this thing (all the viewer is able to see are it's red tentacles) out at various times to dispose of nosey policemen and necking teenagers. Things come to a boil when Dr. Blackwood's wife Diane (Deedy Peters) come for a visit and becomes suspicious of hubby. This wacky horror film, which contains plenty of fake blood and no nudity (the women wear bras and panties when tortured), would make a great double bill with DON'T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT. Directed and produced by regional filmmaker Charles Nizet (THE RAVAGER - 1970; VOODOO HEARTBEAT - 1972). In glorious crisp, clear color from the defunct Video Gems. Not Rated.

PSYCHO COP (1989) - "Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Be on the lookout for a man who claims to be a director and screenwriter. He uses the name Wallace Potts. He is to be considered unarmed and extremely boring." Six beer-guzzling college students (there's a stretch) take a vacation to a secluded backwoods villa and are menaced by a devil worshipping police officer (Bobby Ray Shafer). In true FRIDAY THE 13TH fashion, they are picked off one-by-one by tha satanic cop, who has a 666 tattooed on his right hand. I cannot think of anything good to say about this film. It is marred by amateur thesping, a well-worn plot and cheap gore effects. No motivation is given as to why the cop has begun killing people. Another problem I have is that Bobby Ray Shafer bears a striking resemblance to Robert Z'Dar, star of the much better MANIAC COP series. Watching this film is like experiencing deja vu: you have seen it a hundred time before done ten times better. My head actually hurt after watching it. PSYCHO COP is a sub-par stalk-and-slask stinkeroo that should be arrested for imitating quality entertainment. Also starring Jeff Qualle, Palmer Lee Todd, Dan Campbell and Cynthia Guyer. PSYCHO COP 2 was next. A Southgate Entertainment Home Video Release. Unrated.

PSYCHO COP 2 (1993) - Director Adam Rifkin leads a Jekyll and Hyde existence. He uses his real name when making bigger-budget films such as THE DARK BACKWARD (1991) and THE CHASE (1994) and chooses to use the pseudonym "Rif Coogan" when directing the low-budget stuff such as THE INVISIBLE MANIAC (1990) and this unwanted sequel. Bobby Ray Shafer returns as the title character, a satan-worshipping police imposter who invades a corporate hi-rise where a bachelor party is being held. Pretty soon people are having their eyes poked out with pencils, tossed down elevator shafts, shot in the head, impaled and so on. Most of the gore scenes are severely edited, making any reason for watching this film debatable. Badly acted, with a supposedly humorous script (it falls flat at every turn), the question remains "Why make a sequel to a film which begged to stay dead?" Also starring Barbara Lee Alexander, Julie Strain and Nick Vallelonga. Also known as PSYCHO COP RETURNS. From Columbia Tristar Home Video. Rated R.

PSYCLOPS (2002) - I really wanted to like this one as I had recently seen director Brett Piper's ARACHNIA (2003), using most of this film's stars, and found it entertaining in a goofy sort of way. Unfortunately, this film drags on much too long for its own good. Video camera fanatic Shep (Dan Merriman) finds a 135 year-old videotape (!) which shows a mad doctor's attempt to bridge dimensions using a machine that he designed. It ended very badly. Shep, with the help of his friends Dave (Rob Monkiewicz), Heather (Diane DeGregorio) and Kim (Irene Joseph), search out the doctor's lab and find the machine. Shep fixes the machine and bridges the dimensions, bringing fist-sized bugs to our dimension which invade our bodies, hatch little ones which bore into our brains (good effect) and cause us to become homicidal maniacs. Poor Shep also ends up having his video camera embedded into his skull thanks to an electrical overload administered to the machine. The rest of the film details Shep's friends trying to avoid Shep and the bugs, who burrow into a cemetery and reanimate some corpses. This may sound exciting but it takes forever to get to the build-up and when it does it fall apart very quickly. I like that Piper animates the bugs by using stop-motion photography and not by CGI. It gives the film an old-time feel severely lacking from most films today. It's just that the acting and plot leave a lot to be desired. A valiant try but a failure. Also starring Liz Hurley (no, not that one), Phip Barbour, Jim Baker and Gordon Gauntlett. Other Brett Piper films include the infamous RAIDERS OF THE LIVING DEAD (1985), A NYMPHOID BARBARIAN IN DINOSAUR HELL (1991), THEY BITE (1996), SCREAMING DEAD (2003) and BITE ME! (2004). An MTI Video Release. Rated R.

RAWHEAD REX (1986) - Forget that this film is based on a story by Clive Barker. Forget that Clive Barker disowned this film upon its' release. If you can forget these two things you will probably enjoy this unconventional monster-on-the-loose flick with a real nasty streak. An Irish farmer, while trying to remove a stone pillar from his field, accidentally releases the title creature from a long imprisonment. Vacationing photographer (the late David Dukes) and his family try to convince the local authorities that the creature does exist, but to no avail. Meanwhile, while photographing the inside of an old church, Mr. Dukes learns the truth about the legend of RawHead Rex. The police finally believe his story after one of his children is brutally murdered by the creature. What makes this film different from others of its like is the eerie atmospheric photography and general mean-spiritedness. This film is steeped in the local Irish color and contains some truly offbeat characters. There's a local priest who wants to help RawHead Rex and is not above murdering people and spewing filthy language. RawHead urinates on the priest while he begs for more! This and many other scenes (including a beheading, a gutting and other gory scenes) deter you from the fact that the story line is very thin. Forget the story (and the rather weak ending featuring some bad optical work) and just feast your eyes on the screen. You'll have a bloody good time (and RawHead Rex is a sight to behold). Director George Pavlou also filmed Barker's story "UNDERWORLD", released here as TRANSMUTATIONS (1986). It's a rather boring exercise mixing detectives with monsters. He also directed the crapfest LITTLE DEVILS: THE BIRTH (1993). RAWHEAD REX also stars Kelly Piper, Ronan Wilmot, Niall Toibin and Heinrich von Schellendorf as RawHead. Stay away from the version shown on the Sci Fi Channel. It's missing most of the violence and the pissing scene. David Duke's last film was the disappointing TV miniseries ROSE RED (2002). A Vestron Video VHS Release. Released on DVD by Pioneer Video. Not Rated.

THE REMNANT (2000) - A long-dead killer, Jesse Lownds (Rick Jordan, who also directed), returns from the dead to exact revenge on those who took his life 30 years earlier. He starts on his Satan-worshipping partner, who has come to Gardner, Georgia to dig up Jesse's buried loot. After burying a shovel into his ex-partner's chest, Jesse goes after the lawyer who got him put in jail. Police detective Kevin Dougherty (Jeff Goldman) is assigned to investigate the two murders and soon begins to realise that he's dealing with no ordinary murderer. After a police officer and the police chief (a boozed-out Joe Estevez) are brutally killed by Jesse, Kevin and girlfriend Alison (Theresa Castracane) discover that Jesse can only be destroyed by burying the remnant, a piece of Jesse's body that is still alive, in Jesse's grave. Can they do it before Alison is killed? You'll lose interest long before you get to that point. This flick is about as exciting as an apple-picking contest. It's indifferently acted by a bunch of amateur and semi-pro actors. I'm still trying to figure out which is worse: Rick Jordan the actor or Rick Jordan the director? It's also poorly written (by Rick's brother Matt Jordan) and deadly dull. The only good thing this film has to offer is a running joke about how bad Jesse smells. Toss in some bad digital effects and some poor make-up effects and what you have is a film that has a distinct odor to it. It reeks worse than Jesse. A Spartan Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD PART II (1987) - Hoping to catch some of the original's vibe, this vastly inferior sequel tries to be too damned funny for it's own good, where the original knew when to be scary as well as when to be funny. Reprising their same roles as in the original (even though they died in it), James Karen and Thom Mathews play two hapless grave robbers who once again are exposed to the government's top secret gas, which slowly turns them into brain-hungry zombies. A graveyard is also exposed to the gas, causing the dead to rise looking for cranial matter. Once again, a few survivors are trapped in a town sealed off by the military as they try to find a way to kill the zombies before the government nukes them all. It looks like electricity is the answer this time. The whole film is played so broadly as to make it barely watchable. It's as though director/writer Ken Wiederhorn forgot that horror films need some horror in it, which is surprising since he also directed the underrated horror gem SHOCK WAVES (1977). Since all of the effects (which are swell) are used for comic effect, this film gets away with much more violence than straight horror films that are rated R. There are scenes with zombies being blown in half with a shotgun, jaws being ripped-out, various body parts being yanked-off and eaten and more brains being devoured than in most straight zombie films. The comedy basically falls flat on it's face, unless lines such as, "Is it cancer?" "If we're lucky!" and "Your brains smell so rich and spicy!" tickle your fancy. There's also scenes of zombies attacking a pet store and a Michael Jackson zombie that does a moonwalk. The hero is a 12 year-old kid (Michael Kenworthy) and he gets to use a gun and drive a truck, which you do not see much in films. Followed by the superior RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD III (1993) and a couple of crappy Romania-lensed sequels released directly to video. I just watched Part II recently and I'm treating this much more kindly than when I originally saw it back in 1987. Back then I nearly punched the projectionist at the theater I saw it at because I considered it an affront to the memory of the original. It's akin to having Uwe Boll directing a sequel to SCHINDLER'S LIST. Also starring Philip Bruns, Dana Ashbrook, Suzanne Snyder, Marsha Dietlin, Mitch Pileggi and a cameo by Forrest J. Ackerman as a zombie. A Lorimar Home Video Release. Rated R.

RITUALS (1977) - The comparison between this Canadian-made shocker and DELIVERANCE are inevitable. Five doctors go on a vacation in the Canadian forest and are hunted and killed one by one. A man's leg is graphically caught in a bear trap; one is beheaded and another is hung from a tree and set on fire. It's all done by a demented World War II veteran who lives in the woods with his blind hermit brother. Why is he killing these people? Let's just say that an unfortunate and nasty surgery error led up to all of this. Starring Hal Holbrook, Lawrence Dane, Robin Gammell and Jack Creley. Directed by Peter Carter, who also made the action film HIGH BALLIN (1978) and the ALIEN on an oil rig TV movie THE INTRUDER WITHIN (1981). RITUALS, along with HUNTER'S BLOOD, are welcome additions to the "terror in the woods" genre. Available in two versions: A cut 89 minute version (Embassy Home Entertainment) which tones down most of the violence and a complete 99 minute version (Astral Bellevue Video) which is intact. Which one do you think you should view? Also known as CREEPER.  Rated R.

ROBO VAMPIRE (1988) - I dare anyone to make sense of this piecemeal film. It one part drug action film and one part Robot Cop versus hopping vampires. It's like director Joe Livingstone took two really bad Hong Kong actioners and combined them into one incoherent film. The makers of ROBOCOP should sue for the video box artwork alone as the robotic cop in this film wears a shiny silver jumpsuit and a visor with an antennae attached to it and looks nothing like the artwork! He fights a bunch of hopping vampires whose leader wears an extremely bad gorilla mask. The rest of the film concerns a drug enforcement agent trying to rescue his captured girlfriend. It all doesn't make any sense and ends abruptly with no resolution to either story! Full of bad gunfights (one extra doesn't even realize that he is shot and takes forever to fall down!), bad martial arts and bad everything else (including nudity). If you like bad films, and I really mean BAD films, this is the one for you. Starring Harry Myles, Joe Browne, Nick Norman, George Tripos and Alan Drury. My guess is that most of these names are pseudonyms. Director Livingstone also made the god-awful DEVIL'S DYNAMITE (1987 - the actual onscreen title is DEVIL DYNAMITE), another pieced-together film dealing with drugs and hopping vampires, using footage cribbed  from the same films used for ROBO VAMPIRE (aka ROBO WARRIOR) and COUNTER DESTROYER (1988), another cut-and-paste film where Robo Vampire make an appearance. A Magnum Entertainment Home Video Release. Also available on DVD as a double feature with DEVIL'S DYNAMITE from Deimos Entertainment. Not Rated.

ROLLING THUNDER (1977) - It you like revenge thrillers with a slight political slant, you'll probably do no better than this one, possibly the best film American International released in the 70's. Former POW Charles Rane (the excellent William Devane) returns home with the simple plan of putting the whole war behind him and get back to his wife and son. Only the town will not let him forget his ordeal and give him a stash of 2000 silver dollars (one for each day of his captivity) at a parade given in his honor. To top it off his wife has fallen in love with another man (the local sheriff) and wants a divorce. A bunch of thieves (led by James Best and Luke Askew) break into Rane's house and demand to know where the silver dollars are kept. When Rane refuses to answer they put his hand down the garbage disposal. Rane's son gives up the coins and Best and his gang shoot and kill Rane's wife and son and think they have also killed Rane. He wakes up in the hospital, has his destroyed hand replaced with a hook and plans to get even with everyone involved in the robbery. Together with a groupie (Linda Haynes), who wore his POW bracelet while he was in captivity and his angst-ridden POW buddy Johnny (an early role for Tommy Lee Jones), Rane goes down to Mexico to exact revenge. It's bloody, exciting and satisfying. Directed by John Flynn (OUT FOR JUSTICE - 1991) with a particularly grim outlook (prevalent at the time of filming), but I think most of the credit must be given to the literate screenplay by Paul Shrader (TAXI DRIVER - 1976) and Heywood Gould (THE BOYS FROM BRAZIL - 1978), who would both go on to directing careers themselves. ROLLING THUNDER is a must for revenge fans that's not just brain candy but food for thought. This film gets my highest recommendation and screams out for a legitimate DVD release (there are bootleg DVD-Rs available on eBay). Also starring Dabney Coleman, Cassie Yates and James Victor. An Orion Home Video Release. Rated R.

ROSWELL (1994) - Beautifully made docudrama about the supposedly true events that took place in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947. Kyle MacLachlan is terrific in the role of a military man who discovers the crash site of an alien spaceship and is systematically sacrificed by the government who order a massive cover-up. Now an old man who has a short time to live, MacLachlan attends a reunion of his old regiment to find out the truth before he dies. What he finds out I will not divulge as it will detract from the overall enjoyment of this stylish and highly emotional winner. True or not (I tend to lean to the former), this is grand entertainment with a keen eye on the human elements. Also starring Martin Sheen (whose role reminded me of Deep Throat on the first season of THE X-FILES), Dwight Yoakam (as a farmer bought off by the government for his silence), Kim Greist and Peter MacNichol. Directed and produced by Jeremy Kagan (THE BIG FIX - 1978; BY THE SWORD - 1991) with a sense of humanity and wonder. Originally aired on Showtime Cable. A Republic Pictures Home Video Release. Rated PG-13, but don't let that deter you from this surefire winner.

SASQUATCH (2002) - It's easy to see that first-time director Jonas Quastel grew up watching too many music videos on MTV. This film is full of fast editing, distorted lenses, PREDATOR-style POV shots and enough fade-to-blacks to have at least 10 minutes of total darkness (in a movie running 86 minutes). If the film was good, most of this could be forgiven. Unfortunately, this is not the case here. It's bloodless, nearly nudity-free and downright boring. The only reason I stayed with this film to the end was the always-welcomed presence of Lance Henriksen, who always injects an air of professionalism in anything he's in (even those roasted turds MIND RIPPER and KNIGHTS). This film needs him badly. When a plane, with Henriksen's daughter on board, goes down in the remote Pacific Northwest forest, Henriksen hires a team of experts to take him through the woods to search for his daughter. It's apparent from the start that Henriksen, who is a billionaire and runs a bio-tech company, has ulterior motives for finding the plane. Add to that the fact that they are being systematically eliminated by an angry Sasquatch, whose family was killed by the crashing plane, and what you should have is something juicy or at least interesting. Too bad that this is a dry and dull affair, as the Sasquatch attacks are bloodless, the monster itself is only glimpsed as a blur until the end and the team of experts come straight from the Stereotype 101 School of Characters: An alcoholic hunter, a terrified computer genius, an earnest tracker, a know-it-all zoologist and a blackmailing she-bitch. The film does have a fairly sympathetic ending, but that and Henriksen's presence cannot save it from ending up in the discount cut-out bins in the very near future. Originally filmed as THE UNTOLD (it still retains that title in the closing credits), SASQUATCH also stars Andrea Roth, Russell Ferrier, Jeremy Radick, Mary Mancini, Erica Parker and Phil Granger. Stay away from this unless you are a Lance Henriksen completist. It's a shame because we could all use a good, bloody Bigfoot flick. A Columbia Tristar Home Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R, but damned if I know why.

SATAN'S BLADE (1982) - Remember THE CREEPING TERROR? The producers lost the soundtrack to that film and released it with voice over narration to compensate for the loss. If only SATAN'S BLADE were so lucky. This film should have been made without sound. The actor's (to be polite) body mikes are always coming into contact with their arms, chairs, kitchen counters, or anything that was near them. It sounds like they are being smacked with gusts of wind, even in the interior shots. The story contains a bank robbery, murders, a ski house complete with the ugliest women this side of the Ukraine, and a cursed knife that possesses whomever possesses it. Sound confusing? It is. Confusing sound? You bet. This is really amateur hour stuff. Get the Tylenol ready when you push the play button. Directed by L. Scott Castillo Jr. and starring Stephanie Steel and Thomas Cue. An All American Video Release. Rated R.

SATAN'S BLOOD (1977) - Originally titled "Escalofrio" ("Chills And Fever"), this is a boring, incomprehensible dubbed Spanish production about a man and his pregnant wife who are brought to an isolated house under false pretenses by another couple. Once there, they are inducted into the pleasures and pains of satanic sexual acts. Not much goes on here. If it wasn't for the frequent softcore sex and esquisite photography, yours truly would have fallen asleep after the first ten minutes. While much is made of the woman's pregnancy in the beginning of the film, it doesn't play any part in the storyline (I was hoping it would take a ROSEMARY'S BABY turn. I was also hoping to make some sense of this mess.). If you're expecting blood, you will be very disappointed as very little is on view here. If you like naked bodies, you may want to give this one a look, but if you're expecting a coherent story, look elsewhere. Directed by Carlos Puerto and executive produced by Juan Piquer Simon (PIECES - 1981; SLUGS - 1987). Some sources list Simon as an uncredited director along with Puerto. Starring Angel Aranda, Sandra Alberti, Mariana Karr and Jose Maria Guille. Also available on video as DON'T PANIC. An All American Video Release. Not Rated.

SCARECROW SLAYER (2003) - This is the middle film of the "SCARECROW" trilogy, The first one being SCARECROW (2002) and the third one is called SCARECROW GONE WILD (2004). The first film was made in eight days. This one looks like it was made in half the time. What the hell is Tony Todd doing in crap like this? Could it be  because they gave him an Associate Producer credit? Thankfully, he dies in the first 30 minutes. Director David Michael Latt (KILLERS - 1997 & KILLERS 2: THE BEAST - 2002, both which I liked a lot, which is why I'm so disappointed here) hasn't got a clue how to keep the action flowing and has the annoying habit of using the "blurry cam" technique that is truly headache-inducing. The scarecrow (Todd Rex, who also designed the costume) is a good creation (makeup effects by Anthony Ferrante), but when did scarecrows learn martial arts? This one does ninja moves, such as back flips and spinning kicks. What the fuck?! Add terrible optical effects, bad acting, continuity problems and unreal situations (Downright surreal; Like: What are college kids doing with an arsenal in their dorm rooms? Did Columbine teach us nothing?) and this cropper of a film (no pun intended) is sure to put the most sleep-deprived person into a deep coma in no time at all. If you're looking for unintentional laughs, you'll find plenty here. If you're looking for a good horror film, look elsewhere because the only horror here is realizing that there are three films in this series. Don't look for me to review the other two. Even I have my limits. Also starring Nicole Kingston, David Castro (Just horrible. I've seen better emoting from a Pet Rock.), Jessica Mattson, Scott Carson and Kim Little. For a good scarecrow film, watch the unrated edition of SCARECROWS (1988). A York Entertainment Home Video Release. Rated R.

SHADOW CREATURE (1995) - Abysmal horror/comedy filmed in Buffalo, NY and Cleveland, OH (doesn't that tell you something?). A scientist's failed hair growth formula (!) causes zebra mussels to mutate when the formula is accidentally dumped into the water. The mussels bite people causing them to turn into horrifying mutations with one of them turning into the title creature, who proceeds to rip the guts out and devour various stupid-acting people. Hard-nosed cop (ex-Playgirl model Shane Minor, who is so wooden you half-expect him to sprout leaves) is on the case and spends a good part of the film puking his guts out when he sees the creature's aftermath. A sub-plot involves a Cleveland gangster (who thinks he's God), trying to collect a debt owed to him by the scientist. There's plenty of graphic violence as intestines are exposed, body parts ripped-off and heads squashed, but the humor is so forced by a cast of talentless no-names that any enjoyment that can be found here is purely of the unintentional kind. Director James Gribbens so far has proven to be a one-shot wonder, as he hasn't done anything since this. Stay away if you want to save 91 minutes of your life. Also starring Tracy Godard, Dennis Keefe, Claudia Catalano, Kathy Imrie and Anthony Chrysostom. A Chaparral International Pictures Home Video Release. Rated R.

SHAKMA (1990) - A baboon injected with an experimental drug is slaughtering college students who are playing a Dungeons and Dragons-like game in a locked university building. The baboon attacks are quite realistic and bloody, but after a while it becomes repetitious. The film’s major detraction though, is that it has the look of a TV movie (just cut out the bloody parts and it would be indistinguishable from any TV film now showing). The deaths of co-stars Amanda Wyss and Ari Meyers towards the end of the film (Oops! Sorry!) comes as a real surprise, though. Proceed at your own risk. Also starring Christopher Atkins and Roddy McDowall. Directed by Tom Logan and Hugh Parks, who both also directed the abysmal DREAM TRAP (1990). A Fire Mountain Pictures Home Video Release. Rated R.

SHATTER DEAD (1993) - Shot on video living dead flick with a twist. Instead of the dead coming back to devour the living, they just want to integrate into our society (according to a radio broadcast, they are forming a union!). The story centers on Susan (Stark Raven), a living human who has many run-ins with the dead. When she has doubts about who she is talking to, she sticks a mirror under their nose. If it doesn’t fog up, she blows their brains out with one of the many guns she keeps on her person. Susan’s main nemesis is The Preacher Man (Robert Wells), a self-appointed holy man who is organizing the dead into a viable force. While the film does have some inventive touches (the dead can’t get hard-ons; a Howard Stern look-alike who blows away a pregnant zombie), the leisurely pace and stiff acting ability of Raven (if she were any more wooden she would be sprouting leaves) eventually make this one you could pass on. I don’t know what director/writer Scooter McCrae’s motives were, but I found Preacher Man to be a much more sympathetic character than the morose heroine. Co-starring Flora Fauna, Larry “smalls” Johnson and Marina Del Rey (oh, c’mon!). Effects by Pericles Lewnes (director of REDNECK ZOMBIES - 1987). From Tempe Video, whose founder is J.R. Bookwalter, director of the super 8mm classic THE DEAD NEXT DOOR (1988). Unrated, SHATTER DEAD contains full frontal male and female nudity and intercourse with a .45 handgun. Not a pretty sight.

SKEETER (1993) - A new entry in the “Giant Bugs On The Loose” genre made popular in the nuclear-terrorized 50’s. A greedy land developer (a haggard-looking Jay Robinson from THREE THE HARD WAY - 1974) stores toxic waste in an abandoned mine, causing a nest of mosquitoes to grow to the size of birds. The skeeters begin to attack the nearby town’s populace, much to the chagrin of the deputy and his newly-returned childhood sweetheart. The film’s main drawback is that it spends too much time in the characters’ personal lives and not enough time on the title creatures. It’s more of a soap opera than a horror film. Starring Charles Napier (playing his patented role of “sheriff with an attitude”) and William Sanderson with a cameo by George “Buck” Flower as a duck hunter who survives a skeeter attack (and shows the scars to prove it!). Directed by actor Clark Brandon (FAST FOOD - 1989). Too much talk and not enough action. From Columbia-Tri Star Home Video. Rated R.

SHOCK 'EM DEAD (1990) - This is a late addition to the "Rock 'N' Roll Horror" craze of the 80's and it's a doozy. Not good, mind you. Just a doozy. Nerd Angel Martin (Stephen Quadros) wants to quit his job at the pizza parlor (run by ranting manager Aldo Ray) and become a guitar player for a rock band. The only problem is, he has no talent. Fate throws him a fastball and he happens to meet the Devil (who is playing the sickest double-neck guitar I've ever seen) who offers him a deal: His soul (and a few more later on) for the talent to play guitar like no one has ever played guitar before. Angel (ironic name, right?) accepts the deal and immediately grows long black rockstar hair and has two groupies (who have also made separate deals with old Scratch) who follow him everywhere and do his bidding. Angel auditions for a band (managed by Traci Lords, the lucky bastards!) and amazes everyone with his ability to learn new songs by looking at the music sheets for a few seconds. The lead singer of the band, Jonny (who wears half t-shirts cut-off at the chest and talks kinda gay), takes an immediate dislike to Angel. Good call because Angel takes over the band, becomes lead singer and signs a major record deal with slimey executive Troy Donahue. To make a long story short, Angel goes on a killing spree and  Jonny must find a way to kill Angel and his two groupies before they sacrifice Traci Lords. The only way to kill them: Make them eat! If they eat anything they will die! That's right, you read it correctly. Director Mark Freed, who also co-wrote all the original (and unintentionally hilarious) songs, tries to make something different and he does, it's just that it's all bad. He throws a voodoo woman (Tyger Sodipe, who can't act worth a lick), copious nudity, exploding heads, lots of music and really bad acting all together and hopes something will stick. It doesn't stick, it stinks, but it's funny as hell if you're in the right frame of mind. The ending will leave you slackjawed as Angel tries to kill Traci Lords while the headlining band is sitting in the stands thinking it is all part of the show. Their reaction to the final act is priceless. This may not be a good film but it is entertaining. Also starring Tim Moffett, Markus Grupa, Karen Russell and Gina Parks. An Academy Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.

SLASHERS (2001) - In the ultimate Japanese reality show, called Slashers, a group of six contestants must survive a night being chased and killed by three murderous characters: Chainsaw Charlie (Neil Napier), Dr. Ripper (Christopher Piggins) and Preacherman (Neil Napier again). In this special edition of the show, six American contestants are vying for the twelve million dollar grand prize. They are set loose in what looks like a huge multilevel warehouse filled with mazes and bicker and fight with each other as well as share intimate secrets about their past and why they are here in the first place. The really strange thing about this game is that there is only one cameraman to follow the action, so where ever the cameraman is, the killings will follow (a major plot point at the finale). The first person to be killed is Rebecca (Carolina Pla), who says that she has MS and does not want to die a slow death. She kills Preacherman by planting a wooden stake through his eye but is graphically cut in half at the waste (her guts spill out) by Charlie's chainsaw. More extremely gory killings follow in this low-rent shot-on-video take-off of THE RUNNING MAN (1986), yet it is extremely watchable and has some biting comment on today's society. Sometimes the weakest of the bunch comes out on top and the strongest fall because they are too confident. It's talky at times, but the bloody murders really make you stand up and take notice. Director Maurice Devereaux, who also made the terrible BLOOD SYMBOL (seven years in the making!) and LADY OF THE LAKE (1998), fills the screen with enough blood, nudity, strange situations (all the action has to stop for commercial breaks otherwise the collars the contestants and killers wear will give them electrical shocks!), unbelievable dialogue and quick editing tricks to hold your attention.  Not a bad way to spend 99 minutes. This is one of those films that Fangoria presented on DVD and VHS. Also starring Sarah Joslyn Crowder (a real find), Kieran Keller, Tony Curtis Blondell (as the black muscle-bound ex-Marine), Jerry Spirio, Sofia De Medeiros and Claudine Shiraishi. An MTI Home Video Release. Not Rated.

SLEEPAWAY CAMP II: UNHAPPY CAMPERS (1988) - A fun, campy performance by Pamela Springsteen (yes, Bruce's sister, who quit acting shortly after appearing in this series to become a photographer) highlights this diverting little time-waster. Pamela takes over the role of Angela, the notorious boy-turned-girl psychotic of the first film. In this installment, Angela is a camp counselor who dispatches various naughty campers in bloody ways. When asked by the camp's owner, Uncle John (Walter Gotell, who played General Gogol in a bunch of James Bond films), where the campers are, Angela simply replies that she sent them home for doing bad things. Nearly everyone at the camp gets "sent home". A good body count, imaginative murders and competant direction by Michael Simpson (who would also direct the second sequel SLEEPAWAY CAMP III: TEENAGE WASTELAND - 1989) make this film a good bet for horror fans. Anchor Bay released the first three films (with a DVD for the unfinished Part IV) in a SURVIVAL KIT with a big red cross on it. The real Red Cross sued Anchor Bay and made them change the packaging.  Anyone who owns the first pressing has a collector's item on their hands, although the original SLEEPAWAY CAMP (1983) is missing some gore footage. Keep your Media Home Video tapes, kiddies! Also starring Renee Estevez, Anthony Higgins, Valerie Hartman, Brian Patrick Clarke and Susan Marie Snyder. Originally released on VHS by Nelson Entertainment. Rated R. NOTE: Rupert Hitzig, the director of the first film is making a new one called RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP starring the original Angela, Felissa Rose, for release in late 2006 - early 2007.

SLEEPSTALKER: THE SANDMAN’S LAST RITES (1995) - Dreary horror film in search of a decent plot. A serial killer known as the Sandman (Michael Harris) is apprehended by the police after killing seven families while they slept. Seventeen years later, the only surviving boy of the Sandman’s wrath (Jay Underwood) learns that the Sandman is to be executed by gas chamber. A blind voodoo priest (Michael D. Roberts) administers the last rites to the Sandman, giving him the ability to turn into sand and reappear at will. Soon the Sandman is stalking his only survivor and killing anyone who gets in his way. Uninvolving most of the way because it is a by-the-numbers stalk ‘n slash flick. It does try to ellicit some sympathy for the villian (flashbacks show him as a kid with his lips sewn shut and being abused by his alcoholic father) and contains some good morphing effects and a haunting musical score, but this is not enough to save it from oblivion. A sequel was announced but (so far) has not been made. Also starring Kathryn Morris and William Lucking. Directed and co-written by Turi Meyer. An Osmosis Pictures Home Video Release. Rated R.

SORCERESS (1994) - I must be going mad because I found this Jim Wynorski-directed effort to be a highly watchable and involving supernatural erotic thriller. The plot is too complex to describe in a short review, so I’ll just state that the women look great naked (including Julie Strain and Rochelle Swanson displaying the finest pairs of tits that money can buy), there’s generous doses of unrated soft-core sex (including straight, lesbian and threesomes) and the storyline is somewhat original and holds your attention (something I thought I would never say about a Wynorski film; see GHOULIES 4 review). You could do a lot worse than to go out and rent this film. Also starring Larry Poindexter, Linda Blair, Edward Albert, Michael Parks and William “BLACULA” Marshall. Produced by Fred Olen Ray and written by Mark Thomas McGee. Photographed with style by Gary Graver. A Triboro Entertainment Video Release. Not Rated due to the many sex scenes. (NOTE: I just caught a film on HBO called MILITIA [2000], an action flick directed by Wynorski using the pseudonym "Jay Andrews". It's actually pretty good and stars Dean Cain, Frederic Forrest and Jennifer Beals. It was written by Steve Latshaw, director of such badfilms as BIOHAZARD: THE ALIEN FORCE (1994) and JACK-O (1995). You'd never guess it's a Wynorski film by watching it. It's probably the most professional thing that he's done.)

SOUND OF HORROR (1965) - This is another 70's late-night TV staple that just up and disappeared until Alpha Video found what looks like a worn 16mm black & white print and put it on DVD. This Spanish production tells the story about a group of treasure hunters, led by Andre (Antonio Casas), who are looking for hidden treasure in some remote mountain region in Greece. As they dynamite a cave, they discover some petrified eggs and the mummified body of a Neanderthal Man. During the explosions, one of the eggs cracks open and something hatches from it. I say something because it is invisible. Andre and his group are joined by fellow WW II veteran Acelo (James Philbrook) and his gang (which includes a young Ingrid Pitt) who have the second half of a treasure map that will lead everyone to the exact location of hidden gold artifacts. They eventually find the treasure but may never get to enjoy it as the invisible creature begins ripping apart the cast (quite graphically for a mid-60's production) while it unleashes a blood-curdling cry, the Sound of Horror. Greed gets the best of our treasure hunters. Their thirst for gold outweighs their concerns for safety and, unfortunately, some of them will die before the night is through. As daylight approaches, the creature (Is it a dinosaur or an alien? The brief glimpses may make you think it's a dinosaur, but who ever heard of an invisible dinosaur?) breaks into their house. One of the guys says, "Do you mind if I tremble a little?" as they try to find a way to defeat the creature. Maybe fire will work?  Ingenious in the way it portrays the creature as an unknown entity (and probably saving the filmmakers time and money on creating a monster suit), SOUND OF HORROR is still much too talky for it's own good. Director Jose Antonio Nieves Conde does manage to liven the proceedings with the grizzly creature attacks, but they are few and far between. The screenplay, by Conde, producer Gregorio Sacristan and Greg Tallas (co-director of THE NIGHTMARE NEVER ENDS - 1980), spends too much time on people squabbling, falling in love (Tragic European starlet Soledad Miranda is also in the cast) or listening to silly superstitions to make this anything but a mindless potboiler. Most reviews list the creature as a dinosaur, but I take exception to that classification because, although we get very quick glimpses of it towards the end, it could still be an alien creature (the invisiblity makes me leans towards extraterrestrial). I remember watching this as a kid on TV and being scared to death by the creatures cry (it sounds like an old lady being murdered). Now, I just watch it and wonder what all the fuss what about. It's not a bad film, mind you, it's just another disappointment best remembered as a kid than as an adult. Also starring Arturo Fernandez, Jose Bodalo, Lola Gaos and Francisco Piquer. An Alpha Video Release. Not Rated.

STAGE FRIGHT (1987) - After reading so many positive reviews for this film, I must say that I was a little disappointed after viewing it. Director Michele Soavi (THE CHURCH - 1990) has a flair for visuals and there are a few tense moments and plenty of gore (the best being the scene of a pregnant girl torn in half), but the story is strictly old hat. It concerns an escaped psycho actor (named Irving Wallace!) slaughtering a company of performers who are rehearsing a musical horror play at a locked-up theater. This is merely slasher stuff showcasing various ways to kill people, even if it is well done. Also known as AQUARIUS and BLOODY BIRD. Starring Barbara Cupisti, David Brandon and John Morghen. From Imperial Entertainment. Unrated.

SUDDEN DEATH (1975) - Robert Conrad stars as an ex-operative who is forced to return to his killing ways in this Filipino actioner, directed by Eddie Romero (THE WOMAN HUNT - 1972, TWILIGHT PEOPLE - 1973; WHITE FORCE - 1988). Conrad must find the murderers of the president (and his family) of a huge corporation. Together with his partner (Felton Perry of WALKING TALL), Conrad rages war on the board of directors and the assassin (Don Stroud of THE DIVINE ENFORCER) sent out to kill him. Lots of fights and explosions, although they are rather sloppily filmed. Still, it holds your attention and has a really downbeat conclusion. Co-starring John Ashley (who also co-produced), Larry Manetti (of MAGNUM P.I.) and Filipino staple Vic Diaz in a bit part. From Media Entertainment. Rated R.

SUICIDE CULT (1977) - Interzod is a government facility that uses astrology with amazing accuracy to predict what course a person's life is going to take. Alexei (Bob Byrd), the founder of Interzod, needs an ancient document in Jerusalem to find out the birth date of the Virgin Mary so he can calculate the Second Coming. Alexei also has a young wife (Monica Tidkell) whom he mysteriously protects with armed guards at a tightly secured mansion. He has been married for six months and has never made love to her. Alexei is also on the trail of sadistic Indian cult leader Kajerste (producer Mark Buntzman), who sexually mutilates women and children.  All these plot elements tie together in an arresting, if somewhat statically acted, multifaceted film which covers many genres. It's part horror, mystery, espionage and supernatural that blends together quite nicely in director James Glickenhaus' (THE EXTERMINATOR - 1980; SLAUGHTER OF THE INNOCENTS - 1994) first professional effort. Mark Buntzman (who would later direct EXTERMINATOR 2 - 1984) is eerily effective as the cult leader as he manages to invoke terror with a minimum of dialogue. I was disappointed with the non-ending and occasionally the low budget shows (such as the stock location shots), but it is still worthwhile viewing if only to see how Glickenhaus, who once ran a production and releasing company (Shapiro-Glickenhaus Entertainment) and now owns a stocks investment company, got his start. Glickenhaus also makes an appearance here as an agent in a sports car. This long out-of-print video was released in the 80's by Continental Video. You may find a used copy for sale on eBay if you're extremely lucky. Also known as THE ASTROLOGER. Rated R.

SWORD OF HEAVEN (1984) - Martial arts/police nonsense about a Japanese cop, on loan in L.A., who comes in possession of a magical sword made from a fallen meteor 400 years earlier. He teams up with an Irish cop (Gerry Gibson) and smash a paramilitary group bent on blackmailing rich people(?). It doesn't make much sense and the title creation doesn't come into play until the final five minutes when it is used in a decapitation. Star Tadashi Yamashita speaks English almost as well as Sho Kosugi. Skip it and rent ENTER THE DRAGON. From Trans World Entertainment. Rated R. 

TERROR (1978) - The career of director Norman J. Warren runs hot and cold. Some of his films are good, such as HORROR PLANET (1981) and BLOODY NEW YEAR (1986), while others are downright awful, including SATAN’S SLAVE (1976), SPACED OUT (1979) and ALIEN PREY (1983). TERROR falls somewhere in the middle. It begins as a film within a film as a producer (John Nolan) shows his newest production to a group of his friends. It concerns the supposedly true story of how his ancestors burned a witch at the stake 300 years earlier, causing her to curse his family line. Past and present merge as a series of grisly murders of the producer’s friends take place, including a couple of brutal stabbings, an impalement on a wrought iron fence and a beheading by a falling pane of glass. The entire film plays as a whodunit, as the viewer tries to figure out if the producer’s long-lost cousin (Carolyn Courage) is or isn’t the murderer. The final denouement makes everything that proceeds it seem moot, as the burned witch makes an appearance and kills the producer and his cousin. No one survives and the viewer feels cheated. Also known as KILLING HOUSE. From United Entertainment Video. Rated R.

TERROR AT THE OPERA (1987) - Finally reaching these shores in its unedited glory, this Dario Argento thriller, originally titled OPERA, was well worth the wait. While not overtly gory or bloody it does have its fair share of shock and surprises. An understudy (Christina Marsillach) takes the lead part in an opera after the leading diva gets hit by a car. She is then relentlessly stalked by an unknown assailant who ties her up and makes her watch as he disposes of her friends one by one. Pins are taped under her eyes, so she cannot close her eyelids. The director of the opera (lan Charleson, in a semi-autobiographical representation of Dario Argento) comes up with a plan to expose the killer. Stylistic touches, expected in an Argento film, flourish throughout. The stand-out scene has to be the death of Daria Nicolodi, the ex-wife of Argento (He must really enjoy killing her). As she is answering the door, she looks through the peephole, and the killer puts a bullet through the hole. This scene is a wonderment of special effects and photography, the best I have seen in a long time. Seek this video out. You will not be disappointed. A Southgate Entertainment Home Video Release. Unrated.

TC 2000 (1993) - Another Toronto-lensed, Canadian tax shelter flick that tries to sell you a line of martial arts clothing in the end credits! In the near future, a band of kickboxing rebels (led by Jalil Merhi, who also produced) break into a high security underground fortress patrolled by a skilled karate cop (Billy Blanks) and his female partner (Bobbie Phillips). When his partner is killed during the raid, Blanks quits the force and goes looking for revenge. He teams with an outsider (Hong Kong perennial Bolo Yeung) to bring Merhi down. What Blanks doesn’t realize is that his former employers have turned his dead partner into a lady terminator (hence the title) and program her to activate a machine hidden somewhere in rebel territory. She is also programed to dispose of anyone who gets in her way. The machine will poison the Earth’s atmosphere, killing everyone who lives on the surface. Many kung-fu fights follow, if this kind of thing interests you. It didn’t interest me. Matthias Hues (MISSION OF JUSTICE - 1992) co-stars as an evil henchman. Written and directed by T.J. Scott. An in-name-only sequel to TIGER CLAWS (1991). An MCA Universal Home Video release. Rated R.

TO ALL A GOODNIGHT (1980) - David Hess, who acted as psychos in films such as LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972), HITCH HIKE (1977) and HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK (1980), takes a turn at directing here and mainly comes up snake eyes. This is basic stalk-and-slash stuff as five college co-eds spend Christmas Vacation in their dorm, invite their boyfriends over for some hot sex and get slaughtered by someone dressed in a Santa suit. Everyone is killed except the virginal Nancy (Jennifer Runyon) and the near-virginal Alex (Forrest Swanson). There's a double twist-ending that's telegraphed more than halfway through the film, so all the viewer has to enjoy is the beheadings, knifings, strangulations, crossbow arrow impalements and other mayhem on view. The only problem is the film is shot so dark that it's hard to make out anything that is going on. Most of the action takes place at night and most of the scenes are underlit. Too bad, since some of the murders are inventive and would be better appreciated if more light were shown on the subject. Since this is one of the original films to use a person in a Santa suit as the killer, this film does get some credit, but Hess could have jazzed-up the proceedings by making the killer more manic and, the film as a whole, more enlightening. Worthwhile only if you want to see David Hess' only directorial effort. Also starring Linda Gentile, William Lauer, Judith Bridges, Katherine Herrington and Buck West. Written by Alex Rebar, who was THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN (1977) and wrote and executive-produced DEMENTED (1980). A Media Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.

TO PROTECT AND SERVE (1992) - Decent cop thriller that begins with a mass beating of a suspect by cops (ala Rodney King) and escalates into a series of murders of the policemen who were involved in that beating. Cop C. Thomas Howell, who witnessed the beating, is given the job of finding the killer. The only problem is, he may be the one who is doing it! Filled with sleazy bits such as a cop getting a blowjob by a hooker in the front seat of his patrol car while he is interrogating her pimp in the backseat. Directed skillfully by Eric Weston (EVILSPEAK - 1982). Rated R.

TRAPPED ALIVE (1988) - On Christmas Eve, three cons escape from prison and hijack a Jeep, taking two women hostage. To avoid a roadblock, the cons drive down the old Forever Mine road, make a wrong turn and fall, Jeep and all, down an abandoned mineshaft. The cons and their hostages try to find a way out of the mine before the ceiling comes crashing down on them. They soon realize that they are not alone. Someone or something likes the taste of their flesh and begins to devour them one at a time. A lone cop follows the cons into into the mine and he must also contend with the cannibalistic creature (who looks like a cross between a neanderthal and Bigfoot). We learn that this creature is actually the father of the strange woman who owns the mine. He was trapped years before in a cave-in and ate his comrads to stay alive. His daughter rescued him and occasionally feeds him humans to satisfy his lust for flesh. She is not about to let these people leave the mine as they will supply dad with enough food to last him for a while. This is a strange almalgam of crime and horror, which mixes gunshots and threatened rape with gut munching and other bits of extreme gore, mostly to good effect. A real surprise, since this comes from Action International Pictures (AIP, get it?), those purveyors of cheap crime dramas (TAXI DANCERS, DEADLY REACTOR, ALIEN SEED and dozens of others) who make PM Entertainment look simply stellar. Will wonders never cease? Oh well, maybe it was because I took an extra deep toke on the pipe before I viewed it. It still held me spellbound for some reason. TRAPPED ALIVE (which is also known as FOREVER MINE) stars Alex Kubic, Randolph Powell, Elizabeth Kentland and the late Cameron Mitchell as the father of one of the captured girls. Directed and written by Leszek Burzynski, who throws in a few real scares. From Action International Pictures Home Video. Not Rated due to scenes of cannibalism and flesh-ripping.

TURISTAS (2006) - More torture porn in the vein of HOSTEL (2004), only instead of Slavik countries, this one is set in Brazil. In other words, this is not an advertisement for Brazilian tourism. A group of unrelated backpackers from various countries (U.S., Great Britain, Australia, Sweden) are on a bus that is speeding down some twisty Brazilian mountain road, when it crashes, stranding them in the middle of nowhere. They manage to find a secluded beach with a bar and party all night with the locals, only to wake up the next morning to find out they were drugged and all their belongings stolen. We then find out that the locals are in cahoots with a doctor who uses the tourists that visit the area as his own personal organ bank, as they are used as unwilling donors for a black market human organ ring. The Swedish couple are the first to be kidnapped, but when the locals stop to smoke some dope and the Swedes try to escape, they are killed (one is hacked to death with a machete and the other falls off the side of a cliff, graphically splitting her head open on the way down). The doctor shows his displeasure by shoving a skewer through one local's eye, killing him. A local named Kiko (Agles Steib) offers to take the group to safe shelter but, in reality, leads them on a long trek through the jungle to the doctor's (his uncle's) house. They are all taken prisoner, as we watch the doctor remove one of the girl's kidneys while she is still awake. The other tourists break free and fight back when Kiko has a change of heart (pardon the pun) and decides to help them escape. The rest of the film is just one long torturous chase as the doctor and his minions try to retrieve their prey before they make it to safety. It's like THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME with lots of extra blood and gore, some of it done with a scalpel instead of a crossbow or rifle.  I have to say that I'm not a big fan of this genre of film, specifically, needlessly showing the prolonged torture of people before finally putting them out of their misery. While actor-turned-director John Stockwell (CHRISTINE - 1983; DANGEROUSLY CLOSE - 1986) fills the screen with beautiful scenery and pretty girls (who get naked a lot), much of the violence is brutal to the point of being unwatchable. I have nothing against violence in films (far from it) but, in some instances, showing too much takes the artistry out of the act, rendering it just sadism for sadism's sake. I know that films like this have their fans, but I'm not one of them. TURISTAS is well-made, it's just not my cup of tea (or grue). Filled with scenes of organ removal, dismemberments, impalements and bullets to the head and other extremities. If that turns you on, you'll probably like this. Starring Josh Duhamel, Melissa George, Olivia Wilde, Desmond Askew, Beau Garrett (who suffers the worst death), Max Brown and Miguel Lunardi as Zamora, the dastardly doctor. This was actually filmed in Brazil, which makes me never want to visit there, no matter how beautiful the country looks. Originally Rated R when released to theaters, it is now available on DVD in an Unrated edition from Twentieth Century Fox.

TWISTED NIGHTMARE (1982) - This murky FRIDAY THE 13TH clone, lensed in 1982 but not released until 1987, is so relentlessly dark (the screen, not the tone) that for more than half the movie the action is undistinguishable. A group of friends are invited to a campsite where, two years earlier, a girl's (Rhonda Gray) retarded brother was mysteriously burned to death. The friends are all sex-crazy teens who begin to get knocked-off in all the tried-and-true ways. There is a beheading, impalements, electrcutions and burnings. Oh, and there's one more thing: The campsite was built on an ancient burial ground. If all this sounds familiar, it is. If there is any type of enjoyment to be found in this film, the dark, underlit nighttime photography completely obliterates it. This is derivitive filmmaking at it's worst. Director Paul Hunt, who used to work on '60's sexploitation using the name "H.P. Edwards" is also responsible for the far better 1973 film, THE CLONES and the so-so MERLIN (1992). TWISTED NIGHTMARE also stars Donna Correa, Devon Jenkin and Cleve Hall. A Trans World Entertainment Video Release. Rated R.

THE UNBORN (1991) - Tidy little horror film from Roger Corman's New Concorde Releasing that sneaks up on you. When childrens book writer Virginia Marshall (the excellent Brooke Adams) and her husband Brad (Jeff Hayenga), go to fertility specialist Dr. Meyerling (character actor supreme James Karen) in hopes of getting pregnant after two miscarriages, the couple get more than they bargain for.  It seems the good doctor has been impregnating women with some mysterious formula, causing them to become violent, break out in unexplained rashes and kill anyone who gets in their way until the baby is delivered. Virginia becomes suspicious of the doctor when she begins to break out in a rash, kills the family cat (by strangling it while it is on her lap) and begins to realize that the baby may not be hers. She goes to an alternative birthing class (run by D-list actress Kathy Griffin [!] and her pregnant lesbian partner) and finds out that she is not the only one in this condition. As people begin to die (including Kathy Griffin, who is beaten to death with a claw hammer by her life partner), Virginia goes to a back alley abortionist (the late Rick Dean) and has the baby aborted. It doesn't end there though as Virginia begins to hear the cries of a baby while at home and drives back to the back alley to find her baby still alive in a dumpster. She brings it home and the baby plants a knitting needle in Brad's eye (he was in on it with Dr. Meyerling all along). Virginia drives to the doctor's office with a gun to learn the truth: The babies have alien DNA and the doctor has now perfected growing them out of the womb (he shows her a back room laboratory where he is growing them). Virginia kills the doctor and destroys the lab. Think it's over? It's not. Director Rodman Flender (IN THE HEAT OF PASSION - 1991; IDLE HANDS - 1999) has crafted a horror film that builds suspense as the story moves along and Gary Numan's ("Cars") musical score helps in this department tremendously. It's his only full-length movie score. While not overtly bloody, the film has it's fair share of scares and who doesn't want to see Kathy Griffin get killed? Also starring K Callan as Virginia's mother, Rick Podell and Lisa Kudrow in a small, early role as Meyerling's nurse. It spawned a sequel, appropriately titled THE UNBORN II (1993), which plays like a bastardization of IT LIVES AGAIN (1978). It's not half the film this one is. A New Concorde Home Video and DVD Release. Rated R.

THE UNEARTHING (1993) - A pregnant teen (Tina Ona Paukstelis) agrees to pose as the wife of the mysterious Mr. Null (Norman Moses) for an undisclosed sum of money. He needs her baby as the heir to his mother’s huge fortune. A stipulation in the will states that he must have a child to inherit the cash (or so he says). He brings the teen to his invalid mother’s huge mansion where she is to stay until the baby is born. Strange things begin to happen. Dead fetuses are found buried in the woods, the teen has visions of pregnant sex (or so she thinks),the entire Null family acts very strange (especially Mom) and the maid likes to serve drugged apple cider. Believe it or not, this all has to do with a brand of Filipino vampires called the Aswang. They feed on the unborn using their very long tubular tongues! You know who is next on the menu. Filled with gory scenes and an unusual storyline, this film (originally titled ASWANG) at least tries to be different and succeeds for the most part. The final reel is kind of a letdown, though. Directed, produced and written by Wrye Martin and Barry Poltermann on a very low budget. From Prism Entertainment. Rated R.

THE UNSEEN (1980) - A terrifying performance by Sydney Lassick makes this film a must-see for all horror fans. A thing in the cellar, the result of a incestuous relationship, is only one of the horrifying elements of this moody, perverted piece of celluloid. The thing (played by Stephen Furst of ANIMAL HOUSE and ST. ELSEWHERE) likes to play with, then kill, pretty young women. But the biggest horror of the house is Sydney Lassick, the father of the thing. When he is not beating his son, he likes to abuse his sister/wife, played with frightful innocence by Lelia Goldoni. Mr. Lassick plays against type (he usually plays scared little weenies) and puts on a good show. This is a well photographed film with unusual visuals and many scares and has an exciting suspenseful conclusion. If the credits didn't identify Stephen Furst as the thing, you would not have known it. Directed by Peter Foleg, with uncredited assistance from Danny Steinmann (SAVAGE STREETS - 1984). There is nothing to be ashamed of here. Pick up THE UNSEEN the next time you are in a video store. You will not be disappointed. A VidAmerica, Inc. Home Video Release. Rated R.

VIDEO VIOLENCE (1986) - Being born and bred in New Jersey, I must take offence to this Jersey-lensed SOV fiasco, loosely based on H.G. Lewis' 2000 MANIACS (1964). A normal couple move into a New Jersey town and take over the local video store. An unmarked video is returned showing a real murder and pretty soon the couple are receiving snuff videos showing murders of transients and visitors to this town. It's apparent that everyone in this town are in on the murders since they only rent violent slasher films (PIECES [1983] is a favorite) and the occasional porno tape. The couple realise that they may be next and try to stop the madness only to end up as video fodder in the "surprise" ending. This film is strictly amateur hour as it looks like it was shot with a camcorder and the acting and effects are over-the-top. Limbs are hacked off, a deli worker cuts a man's hand off and runs it through a meat slicer, while his co-worker hacks off a woman's head and puts it in a soup pot ("Soup's on!"). Stabbings, razor slicings, ice pickings and nudity are also on view, though none are done very convincingly. The town sheriff speaks with a southern drawl (?) and every other person listed in the credits are called local yokels (!). Director Gary Cohen made a sequel to this the next year, then made another piece of video crap in '88 called MAMA'S HOME and disappeared off the radar until 1996 where he turned up executive-producing the short-lived TV series BASEBALL, MINNESOTA. At least he got the hell out of New Jersey. That a good thing for Jersey. This film stars Art Neill, Jackie Neill, UKE, William Toddie, Bart Sumner and Lisa Cohen (I smell nepotism!). This was made during the mid-80's video wave as the first SOV movie, BLOOD CULT (1985) is prominently displayed on the video shelve. I've sat through many of these SOV films and this one falls somewhere near the bottom rung of the ladder and it's a mighty tall ladder. A Camp Video Release. Both Part 1 & 2 are now available on DVD from Camp Motion Pictures. Not Rated.

ZEBRA FORCE (1976) - Good low budget actioner about a group of white Vietnam vets who continually rob a Mafia kingpin of his money and drugs, disrupting his “family” business. The vets are nearly impossible to catch because of their unusual disguises: They don black masks during the robberies which makes them appear to be African Americans! The Mafia, of course, blames the thefts on a local black gang and a small race war ensues. The vets, who take their orders from a one-armed, scar-faced platoon leader (who has to press an electronic device to his neck to speak), bask in their achievements (hey, not only are they rich, they’re also ridding the town of criminal elements!) until one of them is captured and their identities are found out. It is rather obvious that black actors were used to portray the vets during the robberies, but that is a minor quibble. The film moves at a quick pace and is full of death and destruction, including some Sam Peckinpah-inspired slo-mo shootings and an impalement by forklift. Add to that a truly surprising conclusion and you have a film worth an overnight rental. Starring Mike Lane, Richard X. Slattery and Anthony Caruso. Directed by Joe Tornatore, who later made a quasi-sequel CODE NAME: ZEBRA (1986), the Linda Blair/Tab Hunter horror film GROTESQUE (1987), CURSE OF THE CRYSTAL EYE (1989), DEMON KEEPER (1993) and THE GAME ROOM (1998). Rick Baker handled the special makeup effects. From Media Home Entertainment. Rated R. CONFUSION DEPT.: The Platinum DVD called CODE NAME: ZEBRA is actually Tornatore's ZEBRA FORCE. The packaging makes it look like the 1986 sequel but all they did was retitle the original film. It's a bad print taken directly from a VHS source.

ZOMBI 3 (1987) - The Italians have to come up with new storylines if they plan on making any more living dead flicks. A research facility accidently unleashes an experimental formula into the air, turning the population (including the animals) of a nearby town into flesh-eating zombies. A ragtag group of tourists must fend off the zombies as well as the militia sent in by the government to shoot anything that moves. This is just a really long chase film filled with the extreme gore you expect from this type of film. Plenty of entrail-ripping, gut-munching, head explosions, dismemberments and bullet hits. Directed by Lucio Fulci and Vincent Dawn (aka Bruno Mattei), who filled in for Fulci when he got seriously ill. Starring Deran Serafian (who directed ALIEN PREDATORS - 1980, TO DIE FOR - 1989 and others). In a beautiful letterbox print from Midnight Video. ZOMBI 3 is also available on DVD from Shriek Show/Media Blasters. Not rated, but enough of the red stuff to get an X.

ZOMBIE 4: AFTERDEATH (1988) - The same basic plot as ZOMBI 3, except instead of an experimental formula bringing the dead back to life, voodoo is the cause. People stranded on an island accidently open the door to Hell and are chased by the flesh-eating living dead. If it's gore you want, this film will satisfy. If it's plot you want, look somewhere else. Starring Chuck Peyton and Candice Daly. Directed by Clyde Anderson (aka Claudio Fragasso) of MONSTER DOG (1985) fame. From Midnight Video. Not Rated.