CAGED HEAT 3000 (1995) - Makes any film by Cirio H. Santiago look like a masterpiece in comparison. Director Aaron Osborne needs to rethink his future. Wait till you see his abysmal monster flick, ZARKORR! THE INVADER, to see the direction his career is heading (it’s not up).  A New Horizon H.V. Release       R

ALIEN TERMINATOR (1995) - Just what we need: Another mutant-on-the-loose in an underground facility with no way out. At least director/writer Dave Payne thought so. A Cosmic H.V. Release     R

THE HOWLING: NEW MOON RISING (1995) - Crap like this is extremely hard to stomach. Director/producer/writer/star Clive Turner took a bad franchise and made it even worse (if you can fathom such a situation!). A New Line H.V. Release    R

ARMAGEDDON: THE FINAL CHALLENGE (1994) - Could anyone make sense of this deadly slow sci-fi thriller? Apparently, it looked good on paper to writer/director Michael Garcia. An insomniac’s dream. A York H.V. Release    Not Rated

WITHIN THE ROCK (1996) - This Sci-Fi Channel “Planetary Premiere” is just another poor spaceminers vs. bloodthirsty alien flick. Deadly slow and illogical. Written and directed by effects man Gary J. Tunnicliffe. Stick with the effects, Gary. An A-PIX H.V. Release.     R

WES CRAVEN PRESENTS: MIND RIPPER (1994) - Just what we need: Another mutant-on-the-loose in an underground...hey, didn’t I say that already? Director Joe Gayton shoots craps. Lance Henriksen needs to pick his roles more carefully. A WarnerVision H.V. Release   Not Rated

BERETTA’S ISLAND (1993) - Director/star Franco Columbu has no talent and needs a hair weave. A lame attempt at an action adventure film. An A-PIX H.V. Release    R

DR. JEKYLL & MS. HYDE (1995) - The only time I laughed was when the film was over. David Price’s direction is heavy-handed and forced. An HBO Video Release    PG-13

GRIM (1995) - A monster who can walk through solid rock snatches unsuspecting teens. I just sat there petrified with boredom. Paul Mathews’ direction sinks like a stone. An A-PIX H.V. Release    R

DEAD WEEKEND (1995) - Ultra-cheap futuristic thriller that is the filmic equivalent of valium. Director Amos Poe hasn’t got a clue on how to film an action scene. Star Stephen Baldwin evokes no emotion whatsoever. A zombie has more charm. A Paramount H.V. Release    R

CEREMONY (1994) - Bad sound destroys any chance this ultra-low budget film has of holding your attention. The only plus is watching Forry Ackerman’s head explode. Direction and effects by Joe Castro (not related to Fidel), who later made the equally abyssmal LEGEND OF THE CHUPACABRA (1997). A York H.V. Release.   Not Rated

THE DOGFIGHTERS (1995) - This anemic action film, starring Robert Davi and the late Alexander Godunov, is so slow and boring that it gives all dogs a bad name. Director Barry Zetlin needs an adrenaline transfusion. A Live Ent. H.V. Release   R

SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK...AGAIN  (1996) - Why would anyone want to make an R-rated sequel to an awful TV movie? Could it be because Stephen King’s name comes attached to it? Director Adam Grossman (who also directed the awful CARNIVAL OF SOULS remake) needs a long vacation. A Vidmark Entertainment H.V. Release.   R

BLACK SCORPION (1995) - This film is great if you want to stare at Joan Severance’s crotch. Look elsewhere if you want any other type of entertainment. This Jonathan Winfrey-directed dud has spawned a sequel and a TV series. You have been warned. A New Horizons H.V. Release.   R

THE SANDMAN (1996) - Director J.R. Bookwalter hasn’t made a good film since THE DEAD NEXT DOOR. This is another one of his shot-on-video turdfests with no redeeming values whatsoever. A Tempe Video Release    R

UNKNOWN ORIGIN (1995) - Still another patented by-the-numbers monster-on-the-loose film from Roger Corman’s Concorde Films. I’m getting very tired of these. Directed by Scott Levy. A Cosmic H.V. Release    R

STORMSWEPT (1995) - Incomprehensible supernatural erotic thriller about a film crew trapped in a haunted house during a thunderstorm. Only director David Marsh could explain the ambiguous ending. An MTI H.V. Release    NR

PHOENIX (1995) - A sci-fi thriller that is a total embarassment to the talents of Brad Dourif, Billy Drago and William Sanderson. Director Troy Cook should be ashamed of himself. A Monarch H.V. Release  NR

THE WHISPERING (1995) - A female succubus whispers into people’s ears, causing them to commit suicide. She should have whispered into director Gregory Gieras’ ear. A complete snooze. An A-PIX H.V. Release    R

VAMPIRE VIXENS FROM VENUS (1994) - Piss-poor horror comedy that throws in every cheap gag in hopes of getting a laugh. It doesn’t succeed. Director Ted Bohus (THE REGENERATED MAN) is beginning to give New Jersey a bad name (like we need the help!). Video label not available at presstime, but you can catch it on the USA Network.    Not Rated

BIOHAZARD: THE ALIEN FORCE (1994) - If I have to sit through one more of director Steve Latshaw’s borefests, I’m going to blow my head off with a shotgun. A Vidmark Entertainment H.V. Release    R

JACK-O (1995) - Honey, get my shotgun! I just sat through another Steve Latshaw crudbomb. A Triboro Entertainment H.V. Release. The DVD from Retromedia Entertainment contains the funniest commentary between Fred Olen Ray and Steve Latshaw that you'll ever hear. My new favorite phrase is "shit pickle". It makes watching the film bearable.    R

CYBORG COP II (1994) - This South Africa-lensed thriller has nothing to offer the viewer except poorly-staged action scenes, a hackneyed plot and phony accents. Director Sam Firstenberg has seen better days. Parts III  & IV have also been released. A New Line Cinema H.V. Release.   Unrated

GHOULIES 4 (1993) - Whomever asked for another installment of this dreadful series should be hung up by their short hairs and disembowled. Jim Wynorski directs with a grade school mentality. If your mentality matches his, you may have a good time. A Columbia Tristar H.V. Release    R

THE HAUNTED SEA (1997) - An Aztec snake-demon stalks the inhabitants of a deserted ship in this substandard Roger Corman-produced slagfest starring future Mr. Streisand James Brolin and directed by Dan Golden (who has done far better). A New Horizons H.V. Release.   R

MILO (1998) - A child psycho returns from the dead to terrorize his now-adult classmates. Nothing new here, except if you want to watch Antonio Fargas play a janitor. Directed haphazardly with a heavy hand by Pascal Franchot. A Sterling H.V. Release.   R

PYROMANIAC (1994) - Really awful shot-on-video thriller (aka IGNITEMARE) about a psycho (Warren Stevens) who burns his victims alive. The most amazing aspect of this film is that it took two people to direct it (Catherine Lane & Greg Finton). A CineQuaNon H.V.Release. Not Rated

BREEDERS (1997) - Director Paul Matthews places this confusing alien-on-the-loose mish-mash in Boston, even though it’s plain to see and hear that it was actually filmed in England. That’s the best thing I can say about this mess. An A-PIX H.V. Release.   R

STARLIGHT (1995) - Incomprehensible mess about aliens, Indian rituals and Willie Nelson’s questionable acting talents. This film sat on the shelf for over two years before Monarch H.V. let it escape. Non-directed by Jonathan Kay. Not Rated but contains nothing objectionable. Why bother?

WEREWOLF (1995) - This Tony Zarindast-directed disaster is an amateurish piece of trash. Consider it a cowlick on the scalp of life. An A-PIX H.V. Release.  R

THE MADDENING (1995) - Watch Burt Reynolds go mad after he realizes how low his career has fallen after appearing in shit like this. He can do better (Remember BOOGIE NIGHTS?). Director Danny Huston has not inherited any of his father’s talent. A Vidmark Entertainment H.V. Release.   R

AMERICAN COP (1994) - You can usually count on any film that stars Wayne Crawford to be uniformly awful, but he also directed this one. How do you think it turned out? You’ll have more fun ripping out your toenails with a rusty pair of pliers. An A-PIX Entertainment H.V. Release.   PG-13

WARHEAD (1996) - Wow! Both Frank Zagarino and Joe Lara in an action film? Your most boring day would contain more action than this Mark Roper-directed snorebomb. A Vidmark Entertainment H.V. Release.   R

CYBORG 3: THE RECYCLER (1994) - This needless sequel is only notable for two reasons: 1: Watching Richard Lynch’s phony English accent disappear and reappear at will, and 2: Seeing how low Zach Galligan’s career has fallen. Directed by Michael Schroeder. A WarnerVision H.V. Release.   R

BREAKAWAY (1995) - Tonya Harding falls hard on her tight ass yet again in her acting debut. This is an unexciting and poorly-staged action film, directed by Sean Dash. Ms. Harding’s honeymoon video contained more action. Video label unavailable.   R

PINOCCHIO’S REVENGE (1996) - It was all done much better in a little movie called CHILD’S PLAY. Why would talented director Kevin Tenney get involved in a project like this? A Vidmark Entertainment H.V. Release.   R

THE CROW: CITY OF ANGELS (1996) - A slap in the face to the memory of Brandon Lee. A pox  on  director  Tim  Pope  and  everyone else involved with this worthless mess. Can you believe that there was a T.V. series based on this character? A Miramax H.V. Release.   R

EYE OF THE STRANGER (1993) - Director/star David Heavener has made so many of his own action flicks that you would think his skills would improve. They haven’t. A Monarch Rel.    R

RAVEN HAWK (1995) - Director Albert Pyun nearly destroys any chance that two-time Ms. Olympia Rachel McLish has of becoming an action film star, thanks to his limp revenge melodrama with an ecological bent. Now that’s a herculean feat! A Columbia Tristar H.V. Release.   R

OPERATION GOLDEN PHOENIX (1994) - Vanity production by director/star Jalil Merhi only goes to prove that you’re only as good as your talent. Merhi has none. An MCA Rel.    R

SHRIEKER (1997) - Standard Full Moon crap about five college students in an abandoned hospital with a two-headed monster. These college kids should stop using their tuition money on drugs. Directed by Victoria Sloan (aka David DeCoteau). A Full Moon H.V. Release.   R

ED AND HIS DEAD MOTHER (1993) - Terribly unfunny comedy about a man (Steve Buscemi) who has his mother brought back from the dead, only to have her turn into a cannibal. A total embarassment. Dir: Jonathan Wacks.  A Fox Lorber Rel.   PG-13

HELLBOUND (1993) - It should stay there once it reaches it’s destination. Chuck Norris kickboxes a Devil’s disciple searching for his lost scepter. Dir: Aaron Norris.  A Cannon Video Rel.  R

IRONHEART (1992) - All the spark has gone out of director Robert Clouse’s eyes. This grade Z martial arts actioner proves that Mr. Clouse has either lost his touch or just doesn’t give a damn. A crying shame. An Imperial Entertainment Rel.    R

BIRDS II: LAND’S END (1994) - A slap in the face to Hitchcock’s 1963 classic. Apparently director Rick Rosenthal thought so too. He is listed as "Alan Smithee"  in the credits. An MCA Rel.  R

PROJECT: METALBEAST (1994) - Genetic experiments performed on a werewolf result in extreme boredom for the viewer. Barry Bostwick looks embarassed (and should be). A complete washout. Dir: Allessandro de Gaetano. A Prism Entertainment Rel.  R

THE GIRL WITH THE HUNGRY EYES (1993) - Director/writer Jon Jacobs took Fritz Leiber’s classic short story of the same name and turned it into an artsy-fartsy incomprehensible mess. No style and no class. A Columbia Tristar Rel.     R

THE ROAD KILLERS (1993) - Psychopathic gang terrorizes Christopher Lambert and his vacationing family. Deadly dull with badly staged action scenes. Dir: Deran Sarafian.  A LIVE Rel.   R

THE SILENCE OF THE HAMS (1993) - Kitchen sink parody of horror films that fails miserably on all levels. Director/star Ezio Greggio should be strung up and shot. A Cabin Fever Rel.  R

WATCHERS 3 (1994) - Why make another sequel to a film that begged to be put to sleep? Wings Hauser fights a genetic mutant in the jungle. PREDATOR has nothing to worry about. Me Tarzan, you bored. Dir: Jeremy Stanford. A New Horizons Rel.  R (For a longer review of this lousy film, click HERE)

MANDROID (1993) - Another cheapjack TERMINATOR wannabe that was shot in Romania. You’ll want someone to shoot you to be put out of your misery after viewing 10 minutes of this Full Moon travesty. Dir: Jack Ersgard. A Paramount Rel.  R

KNIGHTS (1993) - The word "boring" does not do this Alfred Pyun-directed clunker justice. He continues to commit filmic suicide but keeps coming back. A Paramount Rel.   R

MENNO'S MIND (1996) - Deadly dull futuristic thriller in which rebel Bruce Campbell's mind is transferred into computer tech Bill Campbell's brain. Director Jon Kroll needed to transfer a sense of pacing into this lackluster potboiler. A Showtime Networks. H.V. Rel.   Not Rated

WHERE EVIL LIES (1995) - Standard silicone 'n' blood shocker from New Horizon's factory. This one's about a white slavery ring that runs its' business in the back of a strip club. How original. Director Kevin Alber shouldn't quit his day job. Unrated

THE PATRIOT (1998) - This Steven Seagal vehicle was so bad that it skipped a theatrical release and went straight to pay cable (the first of many to come). Director Dean Semler breaks the cardinal rule of action films: There is no action! A couple more like this and Mr. Seagal (or rather his stunt double) will be hawking exercise equipment on the Home Shopping Network. A Touchstone H.V. Rel.   R

EXPECT NO MERCY (1995) - Expect no logic or entertainment in this slapdash futuristic martial arts thriller pitting Tai Bo master Billy Blanks and towelhead Jalil Merhi against virtual assassins. This Zale Dalen-directed snoozefest also spawned a computer game! A WarnerVision H.V. Rel.   R

FUGITIVE X: INNOCENT TARGET (1995) - Another MOST DANGEROUS GAME retread starring and directed by David Heavener. Need I say more. Video label not available.   R

CARNIVAL OF SOULS (1998) - I'm not a fan of the original, but even I think that this Adam Grossman-directed semi-remake is a slap to the face of the late Herk Harvey. Everyone involved in this (including Wes Craven) should be ashamed of themselves. A Trimark H.V. Rel.   R

JACK FROST (1996) - Shit stains in my underwear are more interesting to look at than this unfunny horror/comedy about a killer snowman. Director/writer Michael Cooney suffered from a case of terminal brainfreeze. Not to be confused with the Michael Keaton film of the same name, even if that one sucked, too. It did spawn a sequel that gives a new definition to the word "turd". An A-Pix H.V. Rel.   R

RUMPELSTILTSKIN (1995) - I know that "little people" have to make a living, but do they have to play murderous shorties in awful films like this? Director Mark Jones (who also helmed the similarly-themed LEPRECHAUN - 1993) should be ashamed. A Republic Pictures H.V. Rel.   R

MOVIE HOUSE MASSACRE (1984) - Mary Woronov has always been a favorite of mine, but even she cannot save this tripe about murders at a reopened movie theater. Directed by Rick Sloane (HOBGOBLINS - 1987) using the pseudonym "Alice Raley". Adding a woman's name does not make it a better film. A Star Classics H.V. Rel. Also available on DVD under the title BLOOD THEATER. Not Rated

HOLLYWOOD STRANGLER MEETS THE SKID ROW SLASHER (1979) - Director Ray Dennis Steckler (using the alias "Wolfgang Schmidt" here) is considered a cult figure (see review for BLOOD SHACK). He made this one on weekends and it shows. No soundtrack, no plot, no direction. Someone ought to deprogram this cult figure. A Video Treasures H.V. Rel. Not Rated

THE MEATEATER (1978) - Does anyone understand this film? The villian has a fetish for Jean Harlow. People have a hankering for pork products. I have a fetish for better movies. Thankfully, director Derek Savage has never made another film. A Video Treasures H.V. Rel. Funded mostly by a pork company, hence the title. See how many times you can spot meat or references to meat in this film. Absolutely hilarious in a bad way. Not Rated

GORE-MET ZOMBIE CHEF FROM HELL (1986) - The best thing about this cheaply-made film is the cover art on the video box. Unfortunately, none of it is contained in the film. This is director Don Swan's only film. Thank God for small favors! A Midnight Movies H.V. Rel. Not Rated

HONEYMOON HORROR (1981) - Amateur hour stuff about a killer at a lodge that caters to newlyweds. And if you thought THE NEWLYDEADS was bad, it seems downright professional when compared to this. Directed by one-shot wonder Harry Preston. Divorce yourself from this one. A Sony Video Rel. Not Rated

BOARDING HOUSE (1983) - Really bad shot-on-video nonsense about someone or something killing beautiful (?) women at the titled residence. Director John Wintergate also stars using the name "Hawk Adly" and does neither very well. A stinking piece of crap. Also known as HOUSEGEIST. A Paragon Video Rel. in SP speed and a Star Classics H.V. Rel. in the EP speed. R

BLOOD SCREAMS (1987) - Even though Russ Tamblyn stars, this South-of-the Border production about a pack of killer monks is a real snoozefest. Director Glen Gebhard has little talent for displaying terror or pacing. Could have been a whole lot better. A Warner H.V. Rel. R

BRAIN SUCKER (1988) - Another shot-on-video loser that claims to be a horror/comedy. Director Herb Robins still hasn't learned how to make a watchable film (remember THE WORM EATERS? [1977]). The back of the video box has the nerve to compare it to YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN! A Parody Productions H.V. Rel. Not Rated

INTERZONE (1989) - Poor Bruce Abbott stars in this dreadful MAD MAX clone. One of the characters is called Panasonic! Turn down the volume and then turn off the set. Another bad film from director Deran Sarafian (THE ROAD KILLERS; ALIEN PREDATORS). A Star Classics H.V. Rel. Not Rated

THE ALIEN DEAD (1980) - One of director Fred Olen Ray's first films and actor Buster Crabbe's last film. What a way to begin and end a career. Neither one is on a high note. This amateur film is a real yawner about a fallen meteorite turning people into flesh-eating ghouls. To call it dull is being kind. A Star Classics H.V. Rel. Not Rated

HOBGOBLINS (1987) - Makes MUNCHIES look like a classic in comparison. This is just another excruciating rip-off of GREMLINS. What else would you expect from director Rick Sloane, the purveyor of the VICE ACADEMY films (six so far) and the similiarly-themed THE VISITANTS (1987)? Avoid it like the plague. A Star Classics H.V. Rel. Not Rated

DEEP IN THE WOODS (2000) - What the fuck? That's what I kept saying when watching this French-made dubbed horror fiasco about a troupe of theatrical performers trapped in a house run by a strange father and his even stranger son. You'll hit the fast forward button faster than you can say "Ooh-La-La". Directed by Lionel Delplanque and starring a bunch of frogs. An Artisan Home Entertainment DVD Rel. R

HARVESTERS (2001) - I really wanted to like this one, except that it's deadly boring and shot on video. It's basically a remake of Don Dohler's BLOOD MASSACRE (1988). Dohler wrote, produced and edited this one. He left the directing chores to one Joe Ripple, who's a cop in real life. George Stover stars (as he did in BLOOD MASSACRE, only this time he's the head of the hostage family) and is the only saving grace. I hope Ripple and Dohler's next film, STAKES (2002), is better. I'm not counting on it.  A Key East Entertainment DVD Rel. Not Rated

FROSTBITER (1996) - This is another retitled Troma pick-up (original title: WENDIGO) that has everything that you expect from Troma: awful (and I mean awwfull!!!) acting, incoherent plot, piss-poor special effects and terrible photography. Ex-Stooge (of Iggy Pop fame) Ron Asheton stars. He should stick to his music. Directed by Tom Chaney, who hasn't done anything since this thing escaped. A Troma DVD Rel. Not Rated

ASYLUM OF TERROR (1998) - I dare anyone to sit through the entire running time of this amateurish horror flick without falling asleep at least a dozen times. Where do I begin? It's shot on video. It's populated by grade-school actors. The sound was recorded through a paper cup. The effects are not special. Do I need to say more? OK! Stay away from this fuckin' turd!!! Does a plot really matter if all this crap is in the way? I thought not. Directed, produced and written by George Demick, just so who you'll know who to blame.  A York Entertainment Rel. Not Rated

ALIEN BLOOD (1998) - Good photography aside, this is one of the slowest films in recent memory. You would think that a plot dealing with aliens, vampires and Men In Black would be interesting, but you would be wrong. Artsy-fartsy direction, lame action sequences, cheap CGI work and long stretches of silence deaden the senses, and since when do regular bullets kill vampires? Director Jon Sorensen is trying to say something here. I just couldn't figure out what. 81 minutes of my life wasted. A Troma DVD Rel. Not Rated

THE MANGLER 2 (2001) - Piss-poor in-name-only sequel to Tobe Hooper's piss-poor 1995 Stephen King adaption. Got that? Good. A rogue computer program is killing students at a high-tech college. Any computer nerd could come up with something more interesting than this. What is Lance Henriksen doing in this steaming heap of horse shit? You know you're in trouble when the most likable character is a French chef. Written and directed by Michael Hamilton-Wright , who wants to be a hacker but has to on settle being a hack. An Artisan Home Entertainment Rel. R. I can't believe this spawned even another sequel!

KILLER RATS (2001) - A giant mutated CGI rat starts chowing down on the patients of a recently-opened rehab center. It's slowly-paced and the CGI is quite awful in spots. As one patient puts it: "This can't be good for my sobriety!" You'll feel the same way after viewing this. This is probably the worst credit in Ron Perlman's career. Directed by Tibor Takacs (SANCTUARY - 1997; NOSTRADAMUS - 2000). Thankfully, this is the last of Nuimage's giant insect/animal series, which included SHARK ATTACK (1999), OCTOPUS (2000), CROCODILE (2000), SPIDERS (2000) and their sequels. A DEJ Productions DVD Rel. R

GHOST SHIP (2002) - Let me do all of you a favor: Click here to see the best scenes of the movie: A wire snapping through a group of dancers on a ship's deck. This takes place during the first 5 minutes of the film. The rest of the film is a mindless hodge-podge of false scares and people roaming through a deserted haunted ship. Director Steve Beck (THIR13EN GHOSTS - 2001) drops the ball here as the rest of the film sinks like a stone after a fantastic gory opening. Why did stars Julianna Margulies and real-life beau Ron Eldard leave ER to appear in crap like this? Talk about career suicide! A Warner Bros. DVD Rel. R

SOUL SURVIVORS  (2001) - Boring tripe about a girl caught between life and death after a car accident. There is absolutely no reason to watch this crap as it makes absolutely no sense and induces insomnia after about 5 minutes. Don't be fooled by the R rating. It inserts about 5 seconds of blood excised from the film in order to get a PG-13 rating in theatres. Director Steve Carpenter has done much better with his earlier films THE DORM THAT DRIPPED BLOOD (1981), THE POWER (1984) and THE KINDRED (1986). An Artisan Entertainment DVD Rel. R

BIOZOMBIE (1998) - This is a real crappy Hong Kong take on DAWN OF THE DEAD. The "heroes" (I use that term loosely) are two scuzzy muggers/thieves/VCD bootleggers that help fight off a group of biotoxin-infested zombies in a mall. Way too much talk and too little action make this film painful to watch as the talk contains some of the worst dubbing your ever going to hear as everyone screams at everyone even during the quieter moments. Directed by Wilson Yip (aka Yip Wai-Shun), who thinks shouting is funny and bad-mannered people make good heroes. He's dead-wrong on both counts. A Media Blasters/Tokyo Shock DVD Rel. Not Rated

HOUSE OF THE LIVING DEAD (1973) - This boring South African-filmed period piece is too tame for it's own good. It plays more like a 19th Century soap opera than a horror film. There's hardly any blood and while the title does live up to its' name, it's not about zombies, only about a mad doctor collecting souls. THE ASPHYX did it much better the same year. Directed by TV-veteran Ray Austin, who shows a severe lack of respect for the horror elements and plays up the histronics to a level only daytime TV watchers can enjoy. An Interglobal Home Video Rel. PG

PLUTONIUM BABY (1987) - What you get here is two films in one, and guess what? They're both terrible. The first part concerns a child, Danny, who finds out that he's the product of radiation experiments and his mother was sealed up in a drum. Mom gets loose and kills all those responsible for her child's condition before being killed. Ten years later Danny is now a man living in New York City and begins mutating and must defend the people he loves by the mad doctor who has just been released from the radioactive drum Danny's mother put him in. It plays like a straight version of THE TOXIC AVENGER except it has even worse acting and non-direction by one-timer Ray Hirschman. The only good thing about this film are the bloody effects by Scott Coulter, but we all know it takes more than good effects to make a good film and this one stinks. Gregory Lamberson (SLIME CITY - 1988) was first assistant director here. A Trans World Entertainment (SP speed) and Star Classics Video (EP speed) Release. This film was also released by Troma. Surprise! Surprise! Not Rated

WELCOME TO SPRING BREAK (1988) - This is probably one of the weakest films that director/writer Umberto Lenzi (using the pseudonym "Harry Kirkpatrick" here) has ever made. This Florida-lensed thriller, also known as NIGHTMARE BEACH, is about an unseen killer who has a homemade electric chair strapped on to his motorcycle and electrocutes hitchhikers. John Saxon plays a sheriff who has a hard-on for the local motorcycle gang. The killer is so easy to unmask that a blind man could pick him out just by the dialogue alone after about ten minutes into the film. Weak effects, weak acting (the leads Nicholas De Toth and Sarah Buxton are rank amateurs), weak screenplay (you can tell this is an Italian production just by the way the actors speak their lines) and a really lame ending (the killer gets electrocuted; how original and ironic!) make this film an effort to sit through. Also starring Michael Parks and Lance LeGault. An Avid Home Entertainment Video Rel. R

PANIC STATION (1982) - There's a reason why this little-known Australian film (aka PLAINS OF HEAVEN) has been seen by a very few: IT REEKS!!! It's basically a two character psychological study about a couple of blokes going slowly mad at a satellite relay station located in the middle of the Outback plains. Nothing, and I mean nothing, happens for the entire 77 minutes. It does contains ferrets, eagles and rabbits for some type of symbology, all of which eludes me. I'm sure director Ian Pringle was shooting for something here, but I just think he shot himself in the foot. Starring Richard Moir and Reg Evans. An Academy Home Entertainment Rel. Not Rated, but there's nothing objectionable here.

THE PREY (1980) - They don't stink much worse than this one. This is another one of those countless "Killer Mutant in the Woods" films that makes DON'T GO IN THE WOODS (1982) look absolutely professional. It only runs 80 minutes long but takes an eternity to get moving along. When you do finally get to see the mutant creature (played by Carel Struycken, Lurch in THE ADDAMS FAMILY films; makeup by John Carl Buechler), you've lost interest long before because the usual bunch of teenagers do the usual stupid things while camping in the woods. I know if I found one of my best friends dead in the forest and I didn't have a rifle or a gun, I'd beat a hasty retreat to the nearest police station. Director Edwin Scott Brown (who also directs porn films such as MASQUE [1996] using the name "Edwin Durell") thinks all teenagers are dopes or dopeheads and just uses them as fodder for the mutant. Wait till you get a load of the "surprise" ending! It's more like a great, steaming load of crap. I can't recommend this one even to the comatose for fear of putting them into a deeper coma. This was one of Jackie Coogan's final acting appearances, not a high note to go out on. A Thorn EMI Video Rel. R

THE MAN HUNTER (1980) - This is just plain bad and an insult to cannibals everywhere. Jess Franco (using his "Clifford Brown" pseudonym) poorly directs this tale of kidnapping and cannibalism. When a famous model (Ursula Buchfellner) is kidnapped for six million dollars, she is kept at an island where a 7 foot tall black cannibal zombie (with white ping pong ball eyes painted with red veins!) is given women for him to eat as a sacrifice from a local tribe (which contain white as well as black tribesmen and women!). The model's father sends Peter (Al Cliver) with the ransom to rescue her. What follows is the usual Franco slow pacing, lens-zooming, headache-inducing atrocity with some gore effects and copious nudity thrown in. It looks like the version I watched was cut, but Franco is known for adding hardcore scenes to his films for different countries and territories. Even if this film did contain hardcore footage, it would still suck (get your mind out of the gutter!). Also starring Robert Foster, Werner Pochath, Gisela Hahn and Burt Altman as the zombie. Also known as DEVIL HUNTER and about a half-dozen other names. A Trans World Entertainment Home Video Rel. Not Rated. Also available on DVD in an extremely bad transfer with VOODOO BLACK EXORCIST on TERROR TALES VOL. 4.

MIAMI HORROR (1985) - An alien baby is created from cells found in a meteorite. Villian John Ireland and his henchmen try to stop news reporter David Warbeck from finding the baby and killing it, therefore saving all humanity. This is a ridiculous horror/action film directed by Alberto De Martino (THE TEMPTER - 1974) using his "Martin Herbert" nom-de-plume. I seem to be watching a lot of Italian films lately and they are beginning to get on my nerves. This Florida-lensed fiasco contains bad action choreography, very little blood or gore for the horror crowd and is a stain on the reputations on both John Ireland (who is dubbed here) and David Warbeck, both who are deceased. Also starring Laura Trotter (CITY OF THE WALKING DEAD - 1980), Lawrence (Loris) Loddi and George Bonner. Originally titled MIAMI GOLEM. A Panther Entertainment Home Video Rel. Not Rated

SKULLDUGGERY (1983) - Stupid comedy/horror film about a Dungeons and Dragons-like game that goes horribly wrong. Someone is beginning to take their game role seriously and begins killing people in real life. This is really slow going as we must discern if troubled player Thom Haverstock (TERROR TRAIN - 1980) is the killer as everyone he knows seems to be getting knocked-off in medieval ways: By sword, by crossbow, by mace, etc. First and only-time director Ota Richter builds no suspense and telegraphs the killings way before they happen. The comedy falls flat as the players within a play have a hard time being funny as people around them are getting iced. Co-star Wendy Crewson made a similar TV movie called MAZES AND MONSTERS, starring Tom Hanks, the year before. She is the most professional actor in this film and , to this day, enjoys a varied career in TV and films. Producer Peter Wittman later directed the killer dog movie PLAY DEAD (1984). Also starring David Calderisi as Dr. Evel. Not to be confused with the Burt Reynolds 1969 film called SKULLDUGGERY. A Video Treasures Home Video Rel. Not Rated

HOLLOW GATE (1988) - Early Richard Pepin/Joseph Merhi production made before they formed PM Productions, who made a slew of decent action and horror films during the 90's before disbanding in 2000. This one is a really bad horror film about psycho Mark Walters (Addison Randall of HARD VICE [1994]) killing a bunch of stupid teenagers at his huge country estate during Halloween Night while wearing various silly costumes (soldier, doctor, esquestrian, etc.). Though the killings are bloody, the storyline is so asinine, that you'll just shake your head in disbelief at some of the things these teenagers do. (Did I mention that they were stupid?). One-time director/writer Ray Di Zazzo offers nothing new to the slasher genre, just the same old tired retread you've seen a thousand times before. Did we really need this? Also starring Katrina Alexy, Richard Dry, J.J. Miller and Patricia Jacques. On-Screen title: HOLLOWGATE. A City Lights Home Video Rel. Self-Imposed R Rating

GHOST RIG (2002) - First the Scots gave us haggis, now they give us this steaming pile of shit. A group of environmentalists land on a oil rig to tell the world of their plight only to find it abandoned. There's a ghostly presence on board which begins possessing the group one at a time jumping from body to body, killing the last body as it possesses the next. This is a slow, uninvolving piece of supernatural trash which takes forever to get going and then it crawls at a snail's pace. Director Julian Kean seems to have no idea how to make a suspenseful film, with a minimal amount of bloodshed and pat situations. Starring Jamie Bamber, Jaason Simmons, Noel Fitzpatrick and Kerry Norton, some who speak in a Scottish brogue so thick, that subtitles would have helped. Also known as THE DEVIL'S TATTOO (it makes sense if you are still awake at the end). An MTI Home Video Rel. R

REVENGE (1986) - Sequel to the first mainstream shot-on-video turd BLOOD CULT (1985) has the Duke's son Patrick Wayne investigating a bunch of murders committed by a cult of who worship the dog god Caninus. This is just plain bad as Patrick is as wooden as an oak tree and the murders are bloody yet phony-looking and co-star John Carradine looks like he is reading off of cue cards. There are some interesting early video tricks on hand, but that doesn't detract from the cheesiness of the entire project. If it smells like dogshit, it probably is dogshit. Director Christopher Lewis, son of late actress Loretta Young, drifted off into obscurity after directing this, BLOOD CULT and the Tom Savini-starrer THE RIPPER (1986), another shot-on-video abomination. Believe it or not, REVENGE even got a DVD release from VCI. Also available on video from United Home Video. Not Rated

BLOOD TRACKS (1985) - If it's one thing I can't stand it's films made in Sweden about a clan of "mountain folk" who begin killing a group of people, including the heavy metal group Easy Action (has anyone ever heard of them?), who traveled there to film a rock video. Trapped by an avalanche, one-by-one the group is slaughtered by decapitation, strangulation, immolization, impalement and other nasty means. Most of the actors are badly dubbed and the action and music are really lame. Director Mike Jackson is actually director Mats Helge (NINJA MISSION - 1984) using a pseudonym. It's easy to see why. It's just plain bad. Stay away from Swedish horror films and just stick to the Swedish women. Starring Jeff Harding, Michael Fitzpatrick and Naomi Kaneda. Also known as HEAVY METAL. A Vista Home Video Rel. Not Rated

THE SUCKLING (1990) - I should have known by the York Home Video label (have they released anything good?) that this film was going to stink. I was right; the stench is unbearable. The story is about a group of unsavory people trapped in a whorehouse/illegal abortion clinic who are attacked by a mutated fetus who was flushed down the toilet and exposed to toxic chemicals. All you'll find here is bad acting, cheap effects (get a load of the sight of the mutated abortion and killer umbilical cord!), lousy photography and boring exposition. Director Francis Teri thankfully has never directed anything else, but has acted in FLESH EATING MOTHERS (1989) and produced HEAD GAMES (1994). The talentless actors here include Frank Reeves, Lisa Patruno and Marie Michaels. This is strictly bottom of the sewer entertainment, not even good for a laugh when under the influence of a controlled substance. Take my word for it. Also known as SEWAGE BABY. A York Home Video Rel. Not Rated

DEVIL RIDER (1989) - Whew? I've smelled some bad things in my life, but nothing quite stinks like this amateurish horror western. An unkillable cowboy in white (Tag Groat) murders anyone who steps on his land. He is caught by a posse and is hung, shot and left for dead. 100 years later he returns to kill a bunch of grating tourists on a dude ranch that happens to be on the Devil Rider's land. He proceeds to shoot, stab and strangle them until only a couple are left. A man decapitates the Devil Rider with a sword and everything seems back to normal. What do you think? This film is strictly amateur hour both in front of and behind the camera. The technical aspects of the film are below par and director Victor Alexander (SURVIVAL - 1985) does absolutely nothing to get the action moving along. It's just a boring piece of stinky cheese that belongs in a damp cellar where it will hopefully stay for eternity. Also starring Rick Groat, Deborah Norris, David Campbell and Wayne Douglass who all need Lee Strasberg to rise from the grave to give them acting lessons. Not to be confused with the 1970 biker flick with the same name. A Cineglobe Video Rel. Not Rated

SLEDGEHAMMER (1984) - This shot-on-video disaster (actually pre-dating BLOOD CULT by a full year) is only good if you want to see how director David A. Prior and his actor/brother Ted Prior got their start. It's auspicious to say the least. A bunch of partying boozehounds go to a house where a boy killed his mother years before with a sledgehammer (How can a little boy swing a sledgehammer?). The boy is now grown up (and possibly a ghost as he disappears and reappears at will) and begins to dispatch the group one by one. Badly done on all counts, including terrible acting, poor videography, outright bad effects (by an outfit called Blood & Guts) and a general sense that you've seen this type of film a thousand times before. Made for $40,000 and it looks it. David Prior has directed a string of horror and action films, the best probably being THE LOST PLATOON (1989), a mixture of vampire and war genres. SLEDGEHAMMER also stars Linda McGill, John Eastman, Jeanine Scheer, Tim Aguilar and Doug Matlef as the killer. This puppy is long OOP and was released on the World Video Pictures label. Not Rated

MAXIM XUL (1990) - Can someone please tell me what all this was about? This confusing amateurish supernatural police thriller concerns some unknown presence that goes around bashing in the heads of various unsuspecting people walking the streets. You know you're in trouble when Adam West is the main star of the film. Here he plays Professor Marduk, who is looking for a way to kill this Demon from Hell. In the finale, West uses an ancient sword and mace to dispatch it. To get to the finale, you have to put up with some of the worst acting and sound recording that my ears have had to put up with for quite a while. Director Arthur Egeli has neither an eye or ear for this type of material as the action scenes are static and the staging of some of the other scenes is awkward to say the least. There are good badfilms and bad badfilms. This one falls into the latter category. There are some decent gore shots though.  Also starring Jefferson Leinberger, Mary Schaeffer and Hal Strieb. A Magnum Entertainment H.V. Rel. Not Rated

THE JAR (1984) - The first rule in making a horror film: Make sure it's not dull. I guess director Bruce Toscano threw that bit of wisdom out the window and decided to make an artsy-fartsy horror film full of weird camera angles, minimalist acting and deadly-dull pacing. Good samaritan Gary Wallace picks up a hurt stranger who gives him a jar with some sort of mutant baby in it. This mutant baby begins to take over his life (One friend says: "You look like you've been worked over by Hell's Angels."), driving him slowly crazy. You'll go crazy too if you watch this film all the way through. Crazy from boredom. There's nothing in this film worth your time or effort. To see how a film of this type should be made, go to the review for THE ITEM (1998). A Magnum Entertainment H.V. Rel. Not Rated

WACKO (1981) - Whacked-out director Greydon Clark tries to send-up horror movies with disasterous results. You would think with a cast such as George Kennedy, Stella Stevens, Joe Don Baker, Julia Duffy, Andrew "Dice" Clay (doing his best John Travolta impersonation), Charles Napier and Jeff Altman that Clark would come up with something a little bit funny, but if you know Clark, you know what you're in for: juvenile and tasteless humor (which pushes way past it's PG Rating). A killer in a pumpkin mask, known as the "Lawnmower Killer" goes about slaughtering the friends of virginal Julia Duffy using his custom lawnmower and other utensils. It's not funny and wastes the talents of everyone involved. Stay away unless you have an intestinal blockage. This will definitely loosen you up. A Vestron Video Rel. Rated PG

ICE CRAWLERS (2002) - Boring combination of John Carpenter's THE THING and a first season episode of THE X-FILES. While drilling for oil in the thick ice of the Arctic, the crew accidentally releases a giant trilobyte (yes, that's right) which begins chowing down on the employees and a group of green researchers who have just arrived. The plot's absurd, the giant trilobyte is laughable and the acting is strictly routine. There's not much blood or gore (a mandate director John Carl Buechler was given by his German backers) so why bother? Thankfully, it's only 83 minutes long so it did not do too much damage to my system. Starring Goetz Otto, David Millbern, Alexandra Kemp and Brad Sergi. The end credits list the film's original title as DEEP FREEZE. A New Concorde DVD Rel. Rated R

BACKWOODS (1986) - A geek is chasing a couple through the woods in this bad regional horror film (made in Indiana). It takes forever for the film to pick up steam and, when it does, it fumbles the ball at every turn. Director Dean Crow looks like he studied all the FRIDAY THE 13TH films and made this one on a dare. The only good thing about this film is Jack O'Hara's portrayal as William the Geek. He's a drooling, chicken-head-bitin' terror who is unfortunately given very little to do. The "surprise" ending is a hoot, though. Skip this one and watch LUTHER THE GEEK instead. You'll thank me later. Also starring Christina Noonan, Dick Kreussler and Brad Armacot. Originally titled GEEK!. A Cinema Group HV Rel. Rated R

NIGHT VISION (1987) - Let me first state that I would rather stick my head up the ass of an elephant with diarrhea that have to sit through this crappy film again. This 101 minute exercise in tedium concerns a Kansas-born writer (Stacy Carson) who moves to Los Angeles (actually filmed in Denver) to get his big break. What he gets instead is a haunted videotape that makes everything he writes to actually happen in real life. If this sounds interesting, I'm sorry. It's quite the opposite. It's badly acted, written, photographed and the pacing is slower than a snail with hemorrhoids. I could go on praising the badness of this film but I would be doing the world a big disservice. It's a 10 minute short film stretched to feature film length. Directed blandly by Michael Krueger (MIND KILLER - 1987). Also starring Shirley Ross, Tony Carpenter and Ellie Martins. A Prism Entertainment HV Rel. Not Rated

BLOODMOON (1989) - Hey, if you're idea of watching a good film is seeing teenagers killed with a barb wire noose while having sex in Lover's Lane, than this Australian horror film with a religious subtext is for you. But, if you like films with a little more than sex, death and Catholicism at an all-girls school, look somewhere else. The killer is easier to spot than a two dollar whore and the violence is not at all that bloody or interesting. This one came late in the stalk-and-slash genre and it offers nothing new for the discriminating viewer. Directed by Alec Mills (DEAD SLEEP - 1990), who hasn't got a clue how to handle the suspense. At least he didn't make the police chief an idiot. This cop has brains, which most films of this type seem to forget. Starring Leon Lissek, Christine Amor, Ian Williams and Helen Thomson. A Live HV Rel. Also available on DVD from Artisan. Rated R

PROJECT NIGHTMARE (1985) - I'm a big fan of director Donald Jones (THE LOVE BUTCHER - 1975; DEADLY SUNDAY - 1982; MURDERLUST - 1986), but even he can have an off day. This is his. This is basically a three character play about two strangers who are trying to escape from something that's chasing them (it's only shown as a bright red light) and end up at the house of a woman. Things that seem real are not and no matter where the two men go they end up going nowhere. It all has to do with some secret government thought control program preparing people for space flight. It doesn't make any sense.This is one of the most boring films to come along in quite a while and it's filmed very cheaply using early computer effects to try and dazzle us. It only looks dated now. Starring Charles Miller, Seth Foster and Elly Koslo. An Academy Home Entertainment Rel. Rated R, but there's nothing here to warrant it.

ALIEN SEED (1989) - This plays like a poor episode of THE X-FILES, even though it was made about 4 years before the TV series premiered. A strip club waitress (Heidi Paine) works with a writer of UFO books (Steven Blade) to find out why her sister was killed after being abducted by aliens. The plot concerns MJ-12, a secret organization working with the aliens to produce a baby who will be the next "messiah". Erik Estrada (who is also Associate Producer) plays a rogue scientist who will do anything to stop this baby from being born. Filled with lame action sequences, retarded acting and a plot that leads nowhere. Filmed in Colorado by director Bob James (who thankfully hasn't directed anything since this). I've seen worse films, but this one feeds off the bottom of the barrel. An A.I.P. Home Video Rel. Also available on DVD from Image Entertainment. Not Rated

THE ALPHA INCIDENT (1977) - This Bill Rebane directed talkfest is at least better than his INVASION FROM INNER EARTH but still has a long way to go before it can be called entertainment. When train conductor George "Buck" Flower accidentally exposes himself to a Mars-made biological organism, he infects the people at the next train stop. If you fall asleep, the germ causes your head to swell up and pop out your brains and eyes. This happens only once: to introverted Station Master Ralph Meeker (we only view the carnage fleetingly as it is rated PG, but the effect is bloody). The doctor that is protecting the germ (Stafford Morgan) learns that he is immune to it but, true to 70's convention, gets blown away at the end by the Government trying to cover it up. Another woman (Carol Irene Newell) commits suicide by blowing her brains out in a car and ladies man John Goff takes a cyanide pill rather than suffering the effects of the germ. If this sounds interesting, I'm sorry, because it talks itself to death. The people endlessly bicker and it takes forever for anything to happen. When it does, it is in the final 5 minutes. I like Rebane as he seems like a genuinely nice person, but he made some of the most boring or campy films of the 70's (think THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION). His later work in the 80's is much more interesting, such as THE GAME and BLOOD HARVEST. A Media Home Ent. Rel. Rated PG

NIGHTFLYERS (1987) - Awful space opera about a bunch of scientists who board a spacecraft called the "Nightflyer" in search of an alien intelligence and are systematically killed one-by-one. It seems that the ship is alive, controlled by a computer whose brain is that of the long dead female captain who does not want her love-slave clone (Michael Praed) to leave the ship with head scientist Catherine Mary Stewart. The only interesting part of this film is when telepath Michael Des Barres has his head lasered-off at the jaw line. Director Robert Collector (RED HEAT - 1985) was so ashamed of this film that he used the name "T.C. Blake" in the credits. Good move. This actually got a theatrical release! Also starring Lisa Blount, John Standing, Annabel Brooks and James Avery. An I.V.E. Home Video Rel. Rated R

DEATH MAGIC (1992) - A third rate theatrical group called The Domino Theatre made and stars in this truly awful supernatural gore film. A group of magicians raise Major Aaron Parker (Jack Dunlap) from the dead. Major Parker was hanged in the mid 1800's for killing innocent civilians and Indians. He's on a killing spree again, slicing and dicing the magicians until they spout enormous amounts of blood from their wounds. The surviving magicians turn to their mentor Donald Graham (Norman Stone) to help them defeat Major Parker. It all backfires as Parker kills the remaining magicians and the police shoot and kill Graham thinking that he is responsible for the slaughter. This film would try the patience of Helen Keller. It's horribly acted, the only good-looking girl is the first one killed, the effects are over-the top (the blood doesn't spurt, it gushes like a waterfall) and it looks like it was filmed on short ends as the quality of the film varies from scene to scene. On a scale of 1 to 10, this one gets a -8. Also starring (if you can call it that) Anne Caffrey, Keith DeGreen and Danielle Frons. A Domino Theatre Home Video Rel. Unrated 

NECROPOLIS (1986) - Lamebrained horror film set in the swinging 1980's New York where everyone did drugs or shacked-up with the first person they met. Enter Eva (LeeAnne Baker), a witch who was killed 300 years earlier vowing to kill all her killer's decendants. She revives her ghoulish coven (makeup by Ed French) and looks for a ring that will give her and her coven immortality. Meanwhile, a cop (Michael Conte) and a psychic (Jacqiue Fitz), both decendants of the witch-killing group, try to figure out why people are mysteriously dying as Eva has the ability to have people take their own lives. Director/writer Bruce Hickey ladles on the stereotypes (the gay coroner, the horny cop, the drug-addled junkie, the wise-assed prostitute) as well as terrible acting, synth music and a general air of sleaziness. Normally that would be a good thing, but this film just falls flat. Notable only for the scene where Eva sprouts six breasts and her zombie coven suckle them for substanance. Otherwise, this film just sucks. Produced by Cynthia De Paula and Tim Kincaid (BREEDERS - 1986, MUTANT HUNT - 1987). Look for two shots of the World Trade Center at the beginning and end of the film. A Lightning Video Rel. Rated R

ROBOT HOLOCAUST (1986) - This is one of director Tim Kincaid's slew of sci-fi/horror films (see review above) he made during the mid-80's while taking a break from making gay porn under the name "Joe Gage" (which he still does up to this day). It's also his worst. Supposedly taking place in the future (the Twin Towers are in the background, but how was he to know?), a robot dictator controls the air of his human subjects. A warrior named Neo (Norris Culf), along with a rag-tag band of fighters (and a cheap C-3PO knock-off), are out to save a scientist who can clean up the air and save mankind. Badly-staged fights, stilted dialogue, monotonic acting, hand puppet snake monsters (with buck teeth!) and a total of about three robots make up this film, whick looks like it was filmed mainly in some industrial boiler room and a garbage dump just outside New York City. Sprinkled with a little nudity and some gore (again supplied by Ed French, who must have owed Kincaid a very big favor), this film can be best described as about as exciting as watching 80 minutes of static. Also starring Nadine Hart, Jennifer Delora, Rick Gianasi, Joel Van Ornsteiner and Andrew Howarth. A Wizard Video Rel. Not Rated

THE DARK SIDE OF MIDNIGHT (1984) - Vanity production for director/producer/screenwriter/star Wes Olsen. Olsen stars as private detective Brock Johnson, who is brought onto a serial killing case by Police Chief Cooper (James Moore). It seems that the Detroit Creeper (Dan Myers) has moved into town and is beginning to kill teenage girls and young boys (by slitting their throats). Political intrigue abounds as the Mayor (Dave Bowling) would like to cover up the murders because he has a backdoor deal to have a new university to be built in his town. He tries everything in his arsenal to sabotage the Chief and Brock. Filled with terrible acting, flubbed lines, a droning synthesizer score and too little gore, this film belongs in the trash bin and not on the video bins. Running at 90 minutes, this film is at least 30 minutes too long as the film is padded with endless talking scenes which leads nowhere. Also known as THE CREEPER (released by Dura Vision in terrible condition with sound so tinny you would swear you had a can over your ears). If you must see this turd, try to find the version released by Prism Entertainment. It's at least clean and the sound is bearable if that type of thing matters to you. I had to watch it twice. Please pity me. Also starring Sandy Schemmel as the Chief's daughter and Brock's love interest. Troma had a hand in releasing this, so that may tell you something. Rated R

THE DIVIDING HOUR (1998) - Roger Ebert says on the DVD cover that "It sneaks up on you". It sure does, just like a case of deja vu. Four bank robbers crash their car on a deserted stretch of road and are picked up by a mysterious driver and delivered to a house occupied by a mysterious woman and her deaf-mute father. It's all a rather boring affair which rips-off CARNIVAL OF SOULS (1962), THE LEGACY (1979) and many other films as they all died during the accident and two of them must go through the doorway to darkness and the other two must go through the doorway of light. When one of them tries to escape every road he takes leads back to the house. There's also a refrigerator that can make objects appear and disappear, a pot-smoking rant on why Bugs Bunny will pay in the afterlife (!), a nasty rape and shadow people who refuse to admit that they are dead. This "Newly Mastered" DVD edition (which touts it's 10 year anniversary even though it was released in 2003), shot in Hi-8, leaves a lot to be desired. It's badly washed-out, the sound is terrible (except in the newly-created opening and closing credits), and Director/Star Mike Prosser needed to inject some much-needed energy into the proceedings. What we have here is a slow-moving, talky snoozefest that only livens-up during the final 10 minutes. There's some stop-motion effects (provided by Webster Colcord), but very little else. Also starring Brian Prosser, Brad Goodman and Greg James. An IndieDVD Release. Not Rated

THE LUCIFER COMPLEX (1979) - Terrible mish-mash of a futuristic man in a cave with computer equipment, who in voiceover narration tells us the story of Earth's terrible history, from World War II to the "Great War of 1986". We have to put up with over 20 minutes of various archival footage of war atrocities and hippie music until we get to the main plot. A secret agent (Robert Vaughn) in 1986 stumbles onto a Nazi plot ("The Fourth Reich") to clone the world's leaders and replace them with the real ones. He teams up with a bunch of women prisoners to foil the plot. Believe me, it's ridiculous as it sounds. Directed by both David L. Hewitt (THE TORMENTERS - 1971) and Kenneth Hartford (MONSTER - 1979), with one handling the cave footage and the other handling the main plot. Apparently, the film was either unfinished or too short to release as a feature, so the cave footage was tacked-on to make it releasable. Hitler makes a cameo at the finale and there's also a "surprise" ending. You'll be sound asleep long before Der Fuhrer makes his appearance and the film closes shop. A complete waste of celluloid. Also starring Aldo Ray, Keenan Wynn, Leo Gordon and Merrie Lynn Ross. A United Home Video Release. Not Rated, but there's nothing here that goes beyond the PG limit. It's films like this that give Nazis a bad name. (It's a joke. Quit being so politically correct!)

THE SPECTRE OF EDGAR ALLAN POE (1972) - This slow and uninvolving fictional tale of Poe (Robert Walker Jr., who sleepwalks through the role) saving his beloved Lenore (Mary Grover) from being buried alive. She goes catatonic and her hair turns white so Poe has her committed to an asylum run by the sinister Dr. Grimaldi (Cesar Romero). Poe takes an interest in the condition called madness and asks Dr. Grimaldi if he can do some research at the asylum. Soon Poe is ass-deep in trouble as he is tortured and submitted to various degradations. The only problem is that no one will believe him except for his friend Dr. Forrest (Thomas Drake) and soon they embark on a journey to find out just what Dr. Grimaldi is actually up to (HINT: It involves bringing the dead back to life).  Directed, produced and written by one-shot wonder Mohy Quandour without an ounce of pacing, thrills or blood. In fact, the bloodiest thing seems to be the image on the video box since it and most of the gore was trimmed to get a PG rating. This is a lame attempt of trying to tell how Poe came up with his macabre stories. This one one of those films that I have been trying to get a hold of for nearly 30 years since reading about it in some long-forgotten monster mag. I finally managed to pick it up on eBay. Oh well, another wish shot to hell. THE SPECTRE OF EDGAR ALLAN POE is also actress Carol Ohmart's (THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL - 1959) last film. Also with a cameo by the late Dennis Fimple (HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES).  A Unicorn Video Release which is long OOP. Rated PG

BEYOND THE DOOR III (1989) - Really awful possession film, that switches gears about 30 minutes into it to become a runaway (and possessed) train movie (it was originally called AMOK TRAIN). Virgin Beverly (Mary Kohnert) and her college class travel to some unknown Slavik country (actually filmed in Yugoslavia) and meet "The Professor" (a badly-accented Bo Svenson), who takes them on a field trip to some remote town. When the townspeople try to kill Beverly's classmates, they hightail it out of town and jump aboard a train. The train becomes possessed and traps the students on board. For the next 60 minutes we are witness to the train (and a possessed Beverly) killing the people on board the train, by impalement, sliced in half under the wheels of the train, infested by maggots and other pleasantries. The only problem is that most of the gore was trimmed for it's US release and we never really get to see most of the juicy stuff. It all turns out that Beverly the virgin is to be the bride of Satan as the train makes its way back to the remote town and the Professor and the townspeople offer Beverly to Satan. Beverly has one trick left up her sleeve which really pisses off Satan. Director Jeff Kwitny (ICED - 1988) offers nothing new to the genre in this Italian-financed film (which has nothing to do with Part 1 or 2). Without the gore scenes there's nothing much to offer here except for one delirious scene where the train jumps the tracks just to kill two of the students (who escaped the train) who are in a boat in the middle of a river! Otherwise, it's just a poor excuse to show off model trains and a lot of subtitles. Also starring William Geiger, Savina Gersak, Sarah Conway Ciminera and Renee Rancourt. A Columbia Pictures Home Video Release. Rated R

DEAD DUDES IN THE HOUSE (1988) - The folks at Troma took an obscure stalk and slash film (originally titled THE DEAD COME HOME and also released on video as THE HOUSE ON TOMBSTONE HILL), gave it this ridiculous title (The New Kids On The Block were big at the time) and unleashed it to an unsuspecting public. A group of obnoxious teens (are there any other type in films like this?) go to a remote house in hope of fixing it up and living there. They find a tombstone in the back yard and, being the smart upstanding citizens that they are, break it in half and unleash a ghostly old woman (actually a man in old woman makeup) who traps them in the house. She begins killing them one-by-one and they in turn come back to life as zombies and begin to also kill their remaining living friends. If it weren't for some of the grisly murders, I would have turned this fiasco off long before it ended. Theres a guy who gets his hands cut off and then impaled on a pipe, various knifings and other impalements and a man has his body cut in half by a falling window. The dialogue verges on the hysterical (although I doubt it was meant to be so) and the acting consists of everyone screaming out their lines as if the person next to them was deaf. Director James Riffel give the film the old college try but mostly comes up with an F in almost all departments. The only saving grace are the bloody effects by Ed French. Troma sells this film on DVD in a 3 pack, along with Joseph Merhi's THE NEWLYDEADS and SPACE ZOMBIE BINGO. They all look like they were mastered from video. Thank god I only paid $9.99 for the set. Distributed by Brentwood Home Video. Not Rated

ALIEN WARRIOR (1985) - Truly wretched piece of action/fantasy crap, originally titled KING OF THE STREETS. To prove he will be a great leader, alien humanoid Buddy (Brett Clark) is sent to Earth to fight a "great evil". He comes to Earth nude (ala THE TERMINATOR) and is given clothes by a bum (who will help him later on). He breaks up the rape of Laura (Pamela Saunders) by a bunch of Chicano punks (by using martial arts he learned by watching a class a few minutes earlier!) and soon they become friends and then lovers. The "great evil" turns out to be the local pimp/dope peddler called Mr. One (Reggie De Morton), who has the police in his pocket and kills anyone who gets in his way. Laura runs a youth center and soon she and Buddy (who has precognitive powers) are converting the local teens (including the Chicanos who tried to rape her!) into taking back the streets for the good of the community. This leads to a climatic shootout where Buddy seemingly dies and goes back to his home planet, where he is deemed suitable enough to be the leader. This is mind-boggling stuff folks, as we are witness to multiple accounts of nudity, gun and knife fights, kung-fu, break dancing and other pieces of priceless dialogue (When Buddy asks a Black kid if he wants a ride, he says: "If you try any of that faggot stuff, I'll cut your balls off!"), all of it done badly (I'm talking Ed Wood bad here.). Director Edward Hunt has given us such trash as STARSHIP INVASIONS (1977), good films such as BLOODY BIRTHDAY (1980) and just plain strange ones like THE BRAIN (1987), but none other quite as bad and outrageous as this one. You'll just have to watch it for yourself to see what I mean. Are you brave (and stupid) enough? Also starring Nelson Anderson, Norman Budd and Arturo Bonilla. A Vestron Video Release. Rated R

FINAL EXAMINATION (2002) - Fred Olen Ray is getting lazy. He used to turn out somewhat entertaining horror and sexploitation films during the 80's & 90's, but now it's like he's not even trying. Using his "Ed Raymond" pseudonym, he tells the tale of tainted detective Shane (Brent Huff) who is made to move from L.A. to Hawaii by his boss (Jay Richardson, who plays "Captain Hugh Janus". Who can take this seriously?). While in Hawaii, Shane uncovers a series of murders being committed at a 5 year reunion of what looks like Hawaiian Tropic models. Someone is strangling and stabbing the models and with the help of Kari Wuhrer (KING OF THE ANTS), Shane must try to stop the killings. The script (if you can call it that) is filled with all the typical Fred Olen Ray modern material: Women taking their clothes off, women taking showers, women swimming in pools with tiny bikinis. Unfortunately, the murder mystery is a bust as anyone, including a blind man, can spot the murderer(s) early on and the film is padded with action scenes cribbed by "A" films (including a chase scene from the Sylvester Stallone version of GET CARTER [2000]). This seems like an excuse for Fred to make a film while he was on vacation in Hawaii so he could write the whole thing off as a tax shelter. His accountants must love him. A waste of film and a waste of your time. Also starring Debbie Rochon, Richard Gabai, Robert Donovan and Jen Nikolaisen. An Artisan Entertainment Release. Rated R

LORDS OF THE DEEP (1989) - During the year 1989 there was a genre of horror films which were  set in underwater labs while being attacked by aliens. James Cameron is best known for the first one, THE ABYSS, probably the best of the bunch. LEVIATHAN (directed by George P Cosmatos, who passed away in April of 2005) and DEEPSTAR SIX (directed by Sean S. Cunningham) soon followed and were much bloodier. Not to be outdone, producer Roger Corman unleashed this turd the same year. It's an ecological thriller about underwater scientist Claire McDowell (Pricilla Barnes) who makes contact with an alien species who want to teach humans how not to destroy their planet. This does not sit too well with Commander Dobler (Bradford Dillman), who is ordered by his boss (Roger Corman in a cameo) to kill McDowall and destroy the aliens. It all moves very slowly for it's scant 78 minutes and ends with Dillman meeting his end during an underwater earthquake while the heroes are saved by the aliens. Director Mary Ann Fisher (her only directorial effort but she has produced many of Corman's films) isn't given much of a script to work with (courtesy of Howard R. Cohen and Daryl Haney, who also co-stars) and the sets and effects are basically leftovers from the countless Concorde films made since the early 80's. Since the film is rated PG-13, there's also no room for blood and gore, except for a shot of an oozing body and people being deprived of oxygen. Don't waste your time with this one unless you want to make 78 minutes last a very loooong time. Also starring Melody Ryane and Eb Lottimer. All the characters have the last names of NY Mets players at the time. An MGM/UA Home Video Release. Rated PG-13

DR. JEKYLL'S DUNGEON OF DEATH (1979) - Truly awful film about the sadistic great-grandson (screenwriter James Mathers) of the infamous Dr. Jekyll, who performs illegal experiments on criminals in his basement using a serum he has yet to get right. The serum drives the person mad and impervious to pain and Dr. Jekyll glees in watching the two people beat themselves to death. He keeps a woman named Julia (Dawn Carver Kelly) tied up in his bedroom while he tries to convince her father (John F. Kearney) to help him perfect the serum. Filled with martial arts fights, implied rape, beatings, a mute manservant (Tom Nickelson), cigarettes burns and other mayhem, yet the film is as dull as a butterknife. Maybe that's because there's no blood, nudity and the martial arts fights are violent yet no one seems to bleed. Director James Wood has thankfully stayed away from the camera since he made this piece of trash. Mathers overacts to the point that the film becomes high camp and his freak-out at the end goes way over the top. This film is known under a myriad of titles, including DR. JEKYLL'S DUNGEON OF DARKNESS, THE DUNGEON and THE JEKYLL EXPERIMENT. I have yet to see a version of this film that is not so grainy as to be unwatchable. Maybe that's a good thing. Filmed in San Francisco. A Genesis Home Video Release. Rated R

SLAUGHTER STUDIOS (2002) - Absolute crap about a low budget video crew shooting a movie on a long-abandoned studio lot where a murder occurred years earlier. Before you can say, "Bimbos taking their clothes off", the crew and actors are being bumped off by some unseen killer. Director Brian Katkin (who directed the halfway-decent SHAKEDOWN the same year) lets screenwriters Dan Acre and John Huckert fill the plot with improbable situations, lunk-headed decisions and outright stupid motives for letting the actors doing the things that they do. Since Roger Corman retired from the business, New Concorde Films have taken a nosedive for the worse. There's no reason for anybody to watch this film except if you want to see naked girls, bad acting and a little gore. The discovery of the killer in the finale is a hoot, though. Starring Peter Stanovich, Amy Shelton-White, Nicolas Read, Allen Scotti and Andrew Craig. Made on a small budget and it shows. A New Concorde Video Release. Rated R

LITTLE DEVILS: THE BIRTH (1993) - It's hard to believe that George Pavlou, who directed one of my favorite guilty pleasures, RAWHEAD REX (1986), made this stinker horror/comedy. A sculptor (Wayne McNamara) finds a special clay in a crypt in a graveyard and begins making little gargoyle statues with it. They come to life and begin killing people with flame throwers, machine guns and crossbows, including an alley of bums tended to by kindly doctor Russ Tamblyn. Porn writer Marc Price (Skippy on TV's FAMILY TIES) and stripper Nancy Valen (not "Nancy Allen" as it says on the video box) slowly discover McNamara's secret and must find a way to destroy the little creatures with the help of the doctor. You'll never guess what destroys them: Soda! You'll cringe at the lame jokes and poor special effects (which look like rejects from the GHOULIES franchise). The only good thing about the film is landlady Stella Stevens, a neat-freak who gets turned-on by Price's porn writings and tries to seduce him by wearing leather S & M gear. She still had a great body (age 57 at the time) and is the only bright spot in an otherwise overlong (102 minutes) and boring affair. Too bad she dies halfway through the film. This little-seen turd was released by Malofilm Video and is Not Rated, although there is nothing here that goes beyond an R rating.

CHOKING HAZARD (2004) - I'm really beginning to hate horror comedies, especially zombie horror comedies. This Czech Republic film, which is English subtitled, is totally unfunny and mean-spirited. While it may play well in the European sector, much of the humor will be lost on English-speaking viewers. A group of students gather at a secluded hotel in the middle of the woods to discuss the meaning of life with a blind, pretentious professor (Jaroslav Dusek). Out of nowhere, a bunch of zombie woodsmen (You can tell they are woodsmen by the feather in their hats. It must be a local thing.) attack the group and one-by-one they are picked off and eaten by the hungry horde. A second wave of much smarter zombies (who know kung-fu and wear dark sunglasses!) then appear to finish off the group. If this seems pretty thin, it is. The humor, as it stands, contains one scene where after a couple make love and have a spat, she says: "Eat me!" The male then says: "I already have. The taste is highly overrated." Add breakdancing zombies, buckets of grue, a porn actor who also happens to be a Jehovah Witness and a plot that makes no sense and what you get is an unsatisfying brew of existential comedy, dialogue which would make a real college professor cringe and an ending and beginning that make no sense to the rest of the movie. It's also left wide open for a sequel. I won't be watching it. This was a long 84 minutes!  Directed by Marek Dobes and also starring Jan Dolansky, Eva Nadazdyova, Anna Fialkova, Kamil Svejda and Eva Janouskova. Released jointly by Fangoria International and Media Blasters. Not Rated. Watch SHAUN OF THE DEAD or RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD instead, if you want to watch really funny zombie comedies.

REPO JAKE (1990) - First off, let me preface this review with a personal note: William Wilson, you bastard! You knew if you sent this to me that I would be obligated to watch it. I did. I hate you. Now, on with the review. This film is merely a series of vignettes, as Jake (Dan Haggerty) comes from a midwestern town to L.A. in hopes of making $65,000 to save his business back home. He joins a repo company and begins taking the tough jobs that no one else can seem to handle. He repo's cars, a helicopter and helps one of the gang in entering a race called the "Slam Track". He also helps a woman named Jenny (Dana Bently) get her purse back from a snatcher and they begin to have a relationship. When Jake repo's a gangster's car, the tough guy threatens Jake and Jenny and forces Jake to enter the Slam Track and win, otherwise he will kill them both. Needless to say, everything turns out for the best. I'm still amazed that Dan Haggerty is still considered an actor. He's as stiff as a board and has the emotional range of an oak tree, yet he has appeared in so many films (I just recently saw him in BURY ME AN ANGEL - 1971 and NIGHT WARS - 1987), not to mention his Grizzly Adams TV series character. I just have to wonder what alternative universe he stepped off of to get these jobs. This Joseph Merhi-directed film is filled with unbelievable situations (Like: Why did Jake stop short of winning the Slam Track? He let everyone down including all his teammates and himself. What a selfish oaf! Yet, in the end, everyone still loves him!), bad comedy and awkward action (some scenes look like they were lifted from other films). This is an early PM Production film where Merhi was just beginning to get his action chops, as he would later direct the much-superior RAGE (1995), starring Gary Daniels. Also starring Steve Hansbourgh, Paul Hayes, Steve Wilcox, Robert Axelrod, Jim Williams, Stacy Lipton and Carmen Filpi. A PM Entertainment Release. Not Rated. Watch REPO MAN instead.

THE LAUGHING DEAD (1989) - This film only proves one addage: Stick to what you know best. This is the directorial debut of science fiction/horror writer S.P. Somtow (real name: Somtow Sucharitkul) and it's a marginal comedy/horror film at it's best and downright terrible at it's worst. Father O'Sullivan (Tim Sullivan), who has lost his faith, leads a bunch of headache-inducing characters on a bus trip down to Mexico for All Souls Day, the only day of the year when the dead can freely walk the earth.  On the bus are a married couple who are into trancendental meditation, a cranky male duo who never agree on anything and a former nun and her son, who Father O'Sullivan had an affair with years earlier. Can you guess whose son he is? The mish-mash of a story finds local Dr. Um-tzec (played by Somtow), who likes to cut the hearts out of children while lamenting on how he wishes he was a stock broker on Wall Street, replacing Father O'Sullivan's heart with an evil one in hopes of getting him to sacrifice his son. Along the way, everyone gets trapped in the town and murdered in various bloody ways (courtesy of John Carl Buechler and MMI). One man is decapitated as his head flies through the air and lands in a basketball net. Another has his arm ripped off and shoved down his mouth, the fingers protruding through his neck. The acting is strictly amateur hour (various writers and horror enthusiasts, including Forrest J. Ackerman, play corpses and zombies), the pace is slower than a snail with hemmoroids and the ending is just downright ridiculous (something about playing basketball against the zombies to save the kid's soul). Somtow directed one other film, an obscure take on Shakespeare's A Midsummer's Night Dream called ILL MET BY MOONLIGHT (1994) that takes place in alleyways and dumpsters. While THE LAUGHING DEAD is very gory in spots, the lame acting and non-linear plot (also written by Somtow) do it in. Also starring Wendy Webb, Premika Eaton, Billy Silver, Patrick Roskowick, Edward Bryant, Krista Keim and Larry Kagan. A Vee Video Release in English with Thai subtitles. Not Rated.

CAGED TERROR (1971) - Imagine if you will that there's a film out in circulation that's guaranteed to put even the worst insomniac to sleep. Fear no more. Here it is! Originally saddled with the title GOLDEN APPLES OF THE SUN (what the fuck?), this snoozer tells the story of businessman Richard (Percy Harkness) taking uptight secretary Janet (Elizabeth Suzuki) out for a weekend in the woods. For nearly a hour they fish, go skinny dipping, frolic naked between the trees and make love while talking about the meaning of life and the violence that comes with it. Janet complains when Richard kills fish and shoots a rabbit, but has no problem stripping naked and making love to the guy while he smears the rabbit's blood all over her!. Things turn a little sour when Vietnam vets Jarvis (Leon Morenzie) and Troubadour (Derek Lamb) show up and tell Richard that they are staying in their cabin. Later that night Richard takes a shot at them and they retaliate by tying up Richard in a giant chicken coop while Jarvis rapes Janet in front of Richard ("No! No! No!......No!") while Troubadour plays a song on his guitar. Janet begins to like it and the film ends with Janet saying goodbye to Jarvis and Troubadour as she walks back to Richard to untie him. Turns out that Richard was the worst of the bunch. The End. Knowing that they had a stinker on their hands, New World Pictures retitled the film for video release and advertised it as an "Action/Thriller". It's neither, just a  four character piece of crap that probably enraged all the renters in the 80's who picked up this thing thinking that it was in the vein of LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT. It's more like watching some chick flick with full frontal nudity and nothing else to recommend for it. This Canadian-made piece of crap was directed by Barrie Angus McLean, who would later go on to produce a bunch of award-winning animation shorts for the National Film Board of Canada. A New World Video Release. Not Rated.

RUSH WEEK (1989) - This has to be one of the lamest R-rated horror films of all times. There's practically no blood (even a decapitation at the end is neat and clean), the masked killer can be identified within the first ten minutes (SPOILER: It's Roy Thinnes.) and the plot can best be described as your typical college fraternity party gone bad. If it wasn't for the pornography subplot, I would have turned this sucker off long before it ended. Someone wearing a cheap rubber mask and cape is killing the college students during Rush Week with and axe (the murders are never shown). Intrepid college reporter Toni (Pamela Ludwig) digs further and finds out that Dean Grail's (Thinnes) daughter was killed last year by some unknown assailant, the case never solved. It all ties into the porno subplot as some of the college girls are posing nude and receiving money to put them through college. When Dean Grail found out that his daughter was one of the models, he killed her and now is killing anyone who poses for the photographer or gets in his way. This is below generic stuff as there are long stretches of nothing and a tasteless bit of a hooker having sex with a corpse. It's much less interesting than it sounds. I had more fun cutting my toenails (and I cut one way too short!). Directed by TV veteran Bob Bralver, whose only other theatrical film was MIDNIGHT RIDE (1990). He is better known as a stuntman. Also starring Dean Hamilton, Courtney Gebhardt, Gregg Allman (as a stoned-out professor, a real stretch) and Donald Grant. An RCA/Columbia Pictures Release. Rated R (for nudity, surely not for violence). By the way, my toe still hurts, but it still feels better than watching this film again.

PHANTOM BROTHER (1989) - I have seen my fair share of bad horror comedies (Some would say that I have seen too many. Just ask my wife.), but I don't think anything comes close to the word "craptacular" than this piece of SOV shit. After a bad auto accident, which kills his entire family, Abel (John Gigante) tries to protect the ghost of his family, including the title brother (Jon Hammer), who was horribly burnt in the accident, from outsiders using their now-deserted family home (which supposedly contains a lot of hidden money) for make-out sessions by horny teenagers and nosey rednecks. Most of the time Abel fails and his brother ends up stabbing and slashing the teens with knives and power saws. Abel's brother kidnaps Abel's girlfriend (Mary Beth Pelshaw) and he rescues her and explains his predicament. She has a hard time believing his story, but eventually takes his word for it. Then a film company comes to the house to make a low-budget horror film. Saying any more about this film would be giving it more publicity than it deserves. The effects (by Arnold Gargiulo of THE DEADLY SPAWN [1983] fame) are way below par and the direction by William Szarka (SOUTH BRONX HEROES - 1985) is strictly amateur hour. As one person puts it in this film: "I hate student filmmaking." You will too if you watch this piece of trash that tries way too hard to be funny, has pitiful voiceover narration, a surprise ending that's not much of a surprise and actors that can best be described as overstepping their bounds as human beings. They should all be working at the local Home Depot as cashiers, not acting. Also "starring" Patrick Malloy (PLUTONIUM BABY) and Vinny Grillo. Their names sound more like South Bronx gangsters than actors. A Southgate Entertainment Home Video Release. Not Rated. Don't look for this to be released on DVD any time soon (as in forever).

TOMB OF THE WEREWOLF (2003) - How director Fred Olen Ray got Paul Naschy over to the States to reprise his Waldemar Daninsky role is the biggest surprise in this otherwise piss-poor film. When a future decendant of Daninsky (the always good Jay Richardson) inherits Daninsky's ancestral home, Jay sees a way to make money off his inheritance. Not to belabor the plot, we get the basic Fred Olen Ray girl-on-girl action, Michelle Bauer and her big boobs playing Elizabeth Bathory (she's still a looker after all these years), way too little of Naschy (who speaks English phonetically), some sex and a little blood. When Fred Olen Ray was hosting his Yahoo Discussion Board, he said that two or three versions would probably be released of the film: An all-sex version; an all-violence version; and one that combines both. Since this film runs a scant 82 minutes and it's the only version available out there, I would say that this is the best you're going to get here. It's a shame because Naschy is wasted, Richardson dies way too early in this film and the plot is highly generic. Shot on high-definition video by Gary Graver (who never phones in a job), the film does have a professional look and sheen, but it's just not enough. It's another one of Ray's hack jobs whose only novelty is the appearance of Naschy. His werewolf makeup is sub-par and the blood quotient is way too low. The only question that I can come up with is: Why bring Naschy over to the States if you are just going to waste him? It holds little novelty as a horror film and less interest as a softcore porn film. What a shame. Also starring Stephanie Bentley, Kennedy Johnston, Jacy Andrews and Leland Jay. I still get a kick seeing Jay Richardson hawking law firms in commercials on TV. It always brings a smile to my face. Unlike this film. A Macabre Entertainment Release (and it's not even in stereo!) Rated R.

WARLORDS (1988) - Here I am writing another review about a Fred Olen Ray-directed film. Will this madness ever end? This is one of his late-80's futuristic thrillers where cloned warrior Dow (David Carradine) searches for his wife (Brinke Stevens), kidnapped by the Warlord (the always capable Sid Haig, who is also second unit director here). Along the way Dow picks up upstart and wisecracking female wasteland survivor Danny (Dawn Wildsmith) to help him in his search. Dow also carries a mutant genetic head with arms in his backpack, who gives him directions along with a little sass. Ross Hagen plays Beaumont (who is probably having the most fun of anyone in this film), who supplies the Warrior with guns and harem girls as mutants with gas masks roam the countryside looking to stop Dow from achieving his goal. He shouldn't have bothered. It seems his wife wanted to leave Dow and likes being with the Warlord. Filmed with lame action sequences (how many angles can you show a car tumbling after an explosion?), dialogue that would make a child wince and guest appearances by Ray stalwarts Robert Quarry, Michelle Bauer and Fox Harris. This is a yawner of the first degree and if it wasn't for the acting qualities of Dawn Wildsmith and Ross Hagen, I would have turned it off long before it ended. I'm tired of these crappy post-apocalyptic thrillers. Besides, the Italians did them best and filled them with gore and extreme violence. What you get here are half-baked action sequences, very little blood (Bullet hits with no squibs? Sacrilegious!) and implied rape. Why bother? There are pictures of helicopters on the video box but none appear in the film. Hmmmm... A Vidmark Entertainment Release also released in an EP-recorded version by Starmaker Entertainment. Rated R.

SASQUATCH HUNTERS (2004) - I've been waiting for a good Bigfoot film (I'm not counting DEMONWARP or NIGHT OF THE DEMON since neither one is a real Bigfoot film) and I'm sad to say that this isn't it by a long mile. A group of annoying Forest Rangers and their friends go out on a week trip in the forest and run into a family of Bigfoots who begin to tear the humans apart (Bigfoots tend to do that for some unknown reason). The film is basically one long chase film where the ragtag team of Rangers fall victim to the creatures one-by-one until only a few are left. First-time director Fred Tepper (who usually does Visual Effects for films) does have a good Bigfoot creature (both costumed and CGI-created), but the story is as thin as tissue paper and offers no plot whatsoever. Just chase and kill, chase and kill. The blood quotient is kept to a minimum, just a few bloody bodies and one good CGI scene of a Bigfoot throwing a woman through the air, but not enough to make you want to go out and rent or buy this thing.  I quess there's a reason why no one has actually captured a Bigfoot: They must own VCRs and DVD players and see how they are portrayed on film. This film, along with the similarly-themed SASQUATCH, sets their progress back a hundred years. Stay away from this one. Starring Matt Lattimore, Amy Shelton-White, Kevin O'Connor, Gary Sturm and Stacey Branscombe. A Sony Pictures Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.

ANKLE BITERS (2002) - Midget Vampires! Don't you think that would be an interesting concept? Well, this ultra low-budget film will make you cringe as you pity the poor little people who are in this film. Not only can they not act (even the normal-sized people are rank amateurs), but they are forced to endure embarassing situations, badly-staged action fights (Stevie Wonder could stage a better fight scene) and vampire attacks (they actually do bite ankles!). The story involves a half-breed vampire killer Drexel (Director and writer Adam Minarovich, doing his best Corey Feldman imitation) and his half-pint sidekick T-Bone (Michael Moore) trying to rid the world of the tiny blood-sucking terrors (who travel in specially-made motorcycles owned by Producer Jim Holcolmb's family chopper shop) before they find a sword with magical powers that will make their race superior to humans. They join forces with some normal humans after the little vampires find and use the sword, using Drexel's blood as a weapon in the finale to dispatch the vertically challenged. To try and describe how bad this film is would be like describing the color orange to a blind person (Do I have Stevie Wonder on my brain, or what!). There's not one good thing about this film, from the photography (probably shot on DV, with sped-up and slo-mo scenes), sound, acting and the music soundtrack. Wait until you hear the theme music ("Three feet tall. Two inch fangs.") repeated over and over throughout the film. This has now become one of CritCon's bottom ten films of all time. Also starring Timothy Faye, Catherine Brissey, Jeremy Busby and Jaime Burch. A York Entertainment Release (Have they ever released anything that remotely resembles entertainment? Try watching "EL" CHUPACABRA [2003], TAIL STING [2001], SCARECROW SLAYER [2003], ALIEN 51 [2004] or any of their urban actioners [featuring the Rap star du jour] to see what I mean.). Rated R.

INVADERS OF THE LOST GOLD (1981) - This film, originally titled HORROR SAFARI, is one of those films that's so bad it's good. It starts out during the end of World War II, where a small troop of Japanese soldiers are carrying 10 crates of gold for the war effort through the jungles of the Philippines, They are attacked by a group of headhunters, and the Japs hide the gold in a cave where only three of them survive to escape. The rest end up as heads on sticks. 36 years later, Edmond Purdom finds out about the lost gold and tries to get the three elderly Japenese survivors to help him find it. The first one is shot and killed by Purdom when he refuses to co-operate and the second one commits hara-kiri when he finds out that his commanding officer was killed. Purdom convinces the third (Harold "Odd Job" Sakata, in one of his final film performances) to help him find the gold for a 25% cut. Purdom hires arch enemy Stuart Whitman to help him on his quest since he is the best jungle man in the territory. Also along for the ride are Laura Gemser (who has a nude swim scene in which she mysteriously dies), Woody Strode (who has a fight with Sakata), Glynis Barber, David De Martyn and a bunch of disposable native Filippinos. After fatal attacks by snakes, alligators, an unstable rope bridge and booby traps, the dwindling crew get closer to their destination, and the ultimate showdown between Purdom and Whitman. Directed without an ounce of flair by Alan Birkinshaw (KILLER'S MOON - 1978) and produced by the infamous late Dick Randall (PIECES - 1982; DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS - 1984, SLAUGHTER HIGH - 1986, who seemed to use Purdom in a few of his films), INVADERS contains a lot of nothing going on throughout most of it's running time, just a ton of infighting and some short spurts of gore. The international cast is highly unusual for a film of this low budget (and obviously a cash-in to the then box office smash RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK), but nothing really happens. Just trekking around jungle scenery, lots of arguements and a very quick ending. If the rest of the film were only as good as it's first ten minutes, we may have had some enjoyment here. Stuart Whitman later made a similar film, TREASURE OF THE AMAZON (1985) in Mexico for late director Rene Cardona Jr. (BEAKS: THE MOVIE - 1987). An All American Video Release that's now available on DVD in widescreen form from Mondo Crash. Not Rated.

SERIAL SLAYER (2003) - Extremely talky SOV thriller whose main reason for me buying it off eBay was that is starred  Mary Lynn Rajskub, who plays the quirky Chloe O'Brian on the hit TV series 24 (and is also a gifted comic). Someone is killing the residents of a small town by killing them with a crossbow while waiting patiently on rooftops of houses. Grace (Rajskub) drives to an adult slumber party while listening to a program on talk radio about the serial killer. When she gets to the house, she only finds two other co-workers there: Lauren (Melanie Lynskey) and Gina (Sheeri Rappaport). All the other workers were scared to come because of the rash of crossbow killings, the last to take place just a few miles a way from the house. Grace, who is the new girl in the company and no one really know her, is at first a little reluctant to open up to the two girls. When it appears that the killer is on their roof, the girls must come up with a plan to survive. What happens for the next 80 minutes is just a bunch of girls talking and arguing with each other about what to do. It's so boring (nothing is as boring as 3 women talking to each other incessantly) that I had to pop some No-Doze to stay awake. I thought that when Rajskub gets shot with a crossbow bolt that things would pick up. They don't. Director Mark Tapio Kines (FOREIGN CORRESPONDENTS - 1999, also starring Lynskey) has no sense on how to film a suspense scene and the movie is just plain dull. When the killer is revealed (he's just a teenager), it's quite a letdown. Hey, I appreciate good dialogue in films. It's just that this film has none. Judith O'Dea (the original NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD) has a cameo as the killer's first victim. Originally filmed as CLAUSTROPHOBIA. A Lions Gate Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.

THE MASQUE OF THE RED DEATH (1989) - During the late 80's producer Harry Alan Towers remade three Edgar Allan Poe stories, updating them to present times and hiring hack director Alan Birkinshaw (KILLER'S MOON - 1978; INVADERS OF THE LOST GOLD - 1981) to direct two of them (THE HOUSE OF USHER - 1988, was the other one). The third film was BURIED ALIVE (1989), directed by Gerald Kikoine (EDGE OF SANITY - 1988). MASQUE is probably the worse of the three (that's still not saying much). When tabloid reporter Rebecca (Michelle McBride) crashes the party of wealthy, reclusive Ludwig (Herbert Lom) hoping to get some exclusive photos of celebrities for her rag, she and a bunch of party guests become trapped in Ludwig's mansion while someone wearing a red cape and mask begins killing them, sometimes using devices from Poe's stories. Frank Stallone (Sly's more talented brother) stars as Duke, who, along with bitchy, has-been star Alaina (Brenda Vaccaro), vain starlet Colette (Christine Lunde), Rebecca's ex-lover Max (Simon Poland) and various other boobs try to figure out who among them is doing the killings. A waiter has his hand chopped off. Alaini is choked to death and thrown down some stairs. Another has her head cut off by a swinging pendulum clock. Max is repeatedly stabbed and axed to death. Duke is run through after having a swordfight with the red-dressed killer. As we find out that Ludwig is dying from some incurable disease, the final denouement is really unbelievable (something about taking some red pills to give the killer super strength). Rebecca and the killer are the only ones left and a fight ensues where the killer is impaled on a falling iron grate that bars the front door. This is really boring stuff that doesn't make much sense. There's a little blood, a really bad rock band and endless shots of people running around the mansion. The only suspense to be found is the decapitation by the pendulum clock. Otherwise, it's a stinker of the first degree. An RCA/Columbia Pictures Home Video Release. Not available on DVD. Rated R. Not to be confused with the film of the same name released in the same year, directed by Larry Brand (PARANOIA - 1998), which actually got a theatrical release.

THE KILLER EYE (1998) - Director David DeCoteau (here using his "Richard Chasen" pseudonym), before creating Rapid Heart Pictures (of LEECHES! fame), made a bunch of films for Charles Band's Full Moon Pictures. This is one of his worst. A scientist (Jonathan Norman) accidently creates a giant eye (that makes the BRAIN FROM PLANET AROUS look like a masterpiece) from "The 8th Dimension" by putting eye drops into a street kid (Ryan Van Steenis) and having him stare into some contraption that makes his left eye grow to gigantic proportions and detach from his body. As with all DeCoteau films, the eye is horny and it gives the director reason to show various male and female bodies in their naked forms. The lovely Jacqueline Lovell (HEAD OF THE FAMILY - 1996) is wasted here as the scientist's wife, who wants to have sex with any male she can find, but never achieves that, thanks to her disinterested husband and two stoner guys in their underwear (a DeCoteau staple) who like to say, "Dude, I'm so baked!" and are too high to please her. As a matter of fact, if it weren't for the giant eyeball and its huge tentacles, she would get no action at all. Thank goodness this film is only 72 minutes long, because the giant eyeball was beginning to give me a giant headache. As with all giant eyeballs, they are deadly afraid of bright light and is forced to go back to the 8th Dimension, but not before making the two females (Lovell and Nanette Bianchi) pregnant with it's love children. Besides a short shot of the kid with a missing eye, there's no blood whatsoever. Just plenty of bad dialogue delivered by bad actors (Lovell excluded), a giant eyeball shooting green sex rays and a lot of nudity (Bianchi is raped by the eyeball while taking a shower).  It's films like this that put Band's Full Moon Pictures out of business and made him create Wizard Entertainment (sometimes known as Full Moon Films), an even lower-budget version of Full Moon Pictures. I could have spent the 72 minutes trying to lick my nose with my tongue instead. Also starring Costas Koromilas, Dave Oren Ward (who was stabbed to death soon after making this film), Roland Martinez and Blake Bailey as "Creepy Bill". A Cult Video/Full Moon Home Video Release. Available in both R-Rated and Unrated editions. The only difference is the amount of nudity in each.

SUCCUBARE (1981) - This Hong Kong film will have PETA screaming for human blood. An ox is graphically killed and sliced apart on camera. Snakes, toads, lizards and mice are eaten alive in inserts by the same man at various times during the film and other reptiles and animals are tortured. Add a little bit of kung fu, maritial infidelity and colorful costumes, mix in some curses and what you get is an unhealthy mix of bad dubbing, sloppy eating habits and some pissed-off women. The main story is about a bunch of women who live in a remote town who put curses on their men if they leave town and don't come back in the allotted time. One cheating man's belly swells-up the size of a balloon and when a surgeon cuts him open, worms, snakes and centipedes (a favorite theme in Hong Kong horror films such as CENTIPEDE HORROR [1984], THE DEVIL [1981] and KILLER SNAKES [1975]) spill out of his stomach as he wakes up and dies. The main plot deals with a man whose brother is killed by one of the spells and goes out to get revenge. What he doesn't count on is falling in love with the head priestess. Director Wai-Yip Wong fills the screen with atrocious acts of animal cruelty that lies head-and-shoulders above anything the Italians have produced. I really can't recommend any film that treats animals in such an awful way without advancing the plot (even then I would have some trouble with it if it were real animals being harmed). Instead we have disgusting inserts of people eating live animals and reptiles and the film offers nothing in the way of redeeming social values. Did I mention that the film was colorful? That's about the only nice thing I can say about this cruel film. Starring Carter Wong and Cho King (as the live animal eater). A VCR Release. Not Rated.

BOO (2005) - Color me unimpressed. I expected more from effects master Anthony C. Ferrante, this being his first directorial full-length movie. What we get here is a by-the-numbers horror flick about a group of college students spending a night at an abandoned hospital only to find that something supernatural lives there. Yawn! The group is expecting some pre-set scares from some fraternity brother who was sent their earlier in the morning to set up some things that go bump in the night. He is dispatched rather quickly (only our group thinks he's alive, not aware that the supernatural presence takes over the dead bodies), and the group wonder why the elevator only takes them to the third floor. Meanwhile, on the outside, a cop who used to be a blaxploitation star named Dynamite Jones (Dig Wayne) tries to help a friend whose sister is trapped in the hospital. Little do they know that she is dead and taken over by a good supernatural force, who must defeat the bad ghostly dude so someone can live and tell the tale. Besides a couple of good special effects and a ghostly little girl (which has been done to death in Asian horror films), this film has little to offer that you haven't seen a million times before. There's a blurb on the back of the DVD by director Stuart Gordon that says: "Enough scares for three movies." Gordon didn't mention that those three movies must have been comedies. If you like haunted house films, you may find something here to get your heart pumping a little faster. I just expected a lot more since Ferrante has worked on so many horror films in his past, both behind and in front of the camera. Too bad. Also starring Trish Coren, M. Steven Felty, Jilon Ghai, Nicole Rayburn, Josh Holt and Dee Wallace Stone in a cameo. A Ventura Entertainment Release. Rated R.

IMAGE OF DEATH (1978) - This is one of those long line of Australian made-for-TV films that Paragon Video picked up for release in the US. Others in the Paragon line include NIGHT NURSE (1978), DEATH TRAIN (1978) and GONE TO GROUND (1975), but this one is the most boring and worst of the lot. A young woman named Yvonne (Cathey Paine) finds Barbara (Cheryl Waters), a friend she hasn't seen in a while and resembles Yvonne almost to a tee, murders her and takes over her life. Yvonne/Barbara then spends the rest of the film trying to cover her tracks and not get caught. She is dogged by Barbara's friend Maureen (Penne Hackforth-Jones), a friend of the dead Barbara who worked in television news with her and tries to convince the police and her producer (Barry Creyton) that the new Barbara is not who she says she is. Yvonne covers her tracks pretty well, as she is able to access Barbara's account at the bank and convince some relative that she is actually Barbara. She even has Barbara's blind boyfriend Carl (Tony Bonner) convinced. But Maureen is steadfast and eventually convinces the police that Barbara isn't Barbara after finding some incriminating evidence. In the most interesting scene in the film, the police come and take Yvonne away while she and Carl are having dinner in a restaurant. The only problem is that Carl is in the bathroom when the police cart her away. When he comes out of the bathroom and sits down at the table, he continues a conversation not realizing that she is no longer there. After a couple of minutes he discovers that she is gone and calls out, "Barbara! Barbara?" THE END. Apparently, the Australians could turn out some shitty TV movies in the 70's, just like we did. Director Kevin Dobson (not the actor that played detective Bobby Crocker on the original 70's TV series KOJAK), who also directed GONE TO GROUND and is still directing today, offers nothing in the way of entertainment and this film is probably the best cure for insomnia in quite a while. There's no blood, sex or believable storyline. In other words, a typically bad 70's TV movie that, thankfully, only runs 82 minutes. For Paragon completists only (especially for the 13 minutes of previews at the beginning of the tape that's 10 times more interesting than the film itself). Also starring Barry Pierce and Sheila Helpmann. A Paragon Video Release. Not Rated.

DEADLY DARLING (1985) - This is another one of Godfrey Ho's cut-and-paste jobs, using portions of at least three different films (one of them being director Karen Yang's BREAKOUT FROM OPPRESSION ["Sha chu chong wei" - 1978], which Godfrey Ho wrote the screenplay) to try and make one cohesive film. He fails miserably. Carol, a commercial actress, walks off the set of her latest shoot where she is raped by wealthy businessman Mr. Lee. At the rape trial, Mr. Lee is found innocent and Carol vows revenge. Wendy, a newspaper reporter, stays on the story when Carol is found dead after unsucessfully trying to stab Mr. Lee. Wendy is attacked and raped by four drunken hoods (When she puts up resistance, one of the hood says: "Why don't we go to a whorehouse instead?"!!!). Wendy does not go to the police because she saw the way they treated Carol. Instead, she exacts revenge vigilante style. Her fiance leaves her and takes up with another woman when she tells him about the rape. She kills the four thugs by various means (meat hooks, impalement on spikes and scares another hood by putting her last victim's eyeballs in his bowl of rice!) and finds out that Mr. Lee was also instrumental in commissioning her rape. As the police close in, Wendy is caught stabbing Mr. Lee to death. At her trial, Wendy gets imprisoned for life. That's the basic story, but you'll have to put up with some footage that definitely comes from different sources to pad out the film. Godfrey Ho (with help from producer Joseph Lai) made many of these faux films during the 80's, most of them featuring actor Richard Harrison in cameo bits and many of them with "Ninja" in the title. Thankfully, he's not in this one. This one stars Fonda Lynn, Warren Chan, Bernard Tsui, Cherry Kwok and Morris Lam. Originally released on VHS by Unicorn Video (which is long OOP), it is now available from 5 Minutes To Live on DVD-R for $14.99. Why would you waste good money on a film like this? Not Rated.

HORROR OF THE HUNGRY HUMONGOUS HUNGAN (1991) - Another retitled travesty (originally called simply THE HUNGAN) from Troma, the purveyors of the putrid. Director/Producer/Screenwriter Randall DiNinni (who also handled about 20 other posts behind the scenes) creates a laughable horror film that's all the more amazing because they got Jack Palance to do the voiceover narration in the beginning. The convoluted story is about a voodoo woman and a mad scientist who create a monster from dead body parts, including what looks like the claw of a giant lizard, and inject it with a voodoo serum which brings the monster to life. The monster, who sports bad facial makeup and a white Eva Gabor wig to go along with the lizard claw, goes on a killing spree murdering everyone who he comes across. A teenage girl has nightmares about the monster (called a Hungan) killing her and her boyfriend in the woods. So what does this smart girl do? Why, she goes on a camping trip with her boyfriend, her preteen brother and some high school friends. Needless to say, almost everyone dies by the Hungan's lizard claw. Filled with lame-ass acting (it's basically non-acting) especially by the nightmare girl (BJ Moyer) who screams at every moment even when she isn't being chased by the monster (you'll breathe a sigh of relief when she's finally killed), cheap-ass gore effects (an awful beheading, a guy's arm being torn off like it was made of butter, a security guard getting repeatedly bashed on his head with a fire estinguisher, bad lizard claw slashings), a monster that flails his arms while chasing his prey, and a really bad rock band called Cry Wolf who play their "hits" at a house party, this film doesn't even cross over to the "so bad it's good" category, even when a Pee Wee Herman imitator crashes the house party (WTF?!). You'll just sit there slack-jawed with boredom hearing such lines as: "I've done it! I've done it! I made the dead live!" and watching endless scenes of teens talking to each other without saying anything of substance. The best part of the film is the bloopers shown before the end credits. The DVD from Troma is a VHS port as there are instances of rolling and tracking problems. The picture is very muddy. It was encoded in Dolby Digital though. Why?Also starring David A. Yoakam (as the Hungan), Joseph Miller, Thomas E. Blair and Richard D. Johnson. The question remains: What did the filmmakers have on Jack Palance to get him to do the opening narration? Maybe he just needed booze money. Contrary to the packaging credits, Richard Gardner did not direct this film (He directed DEADLY DAPHNE'S REVENGE). This DVD was part of Toxie's Triple Terror #3, which also includes CROAKED: FROG MONSTER FROM HELL (aka RANA: THE LEGEND OF SHADOW LAKE) and VIDEO DEMONS DO PSYCHOTOWN (aka BLOODBATH IN PSYCHOTOWN), both also extremely bad films. Distributed by BCI Eclipse (which would explain a lot). Not Rated.

OZARK SAVAGE (1999/2002) - Kitchen sink film that tosses everything at you and hopes it will stick. It looks as if director/writer/editor/photographer Matt Steinauer made a short film and stretched it out to an unreasonable 75 minutes. It takes it cues from films like RESERVOIR DOGS, Hong Kong action films, THE EVIL DEAD, PHANTASM and countless other cult films and mixes them all together. Instead of resulting in a good indie effort, it falls flat on its face. In 1997, hitman Lens Ozark (David Wilson) is hired to retrieve an ancient Chinese coin that will give the owner the rights to Hong Kong (don't ask me how). He is doublecrossed after getting the coin and murdered in the desert. He goes to Hell and meets Satan who also loses the coin (it has a mind of its own) forcing Ozark to come back to the desert during a nuclear test, which makes him invincible. He sets out to get revenge on mob boss Vincenzo Malachi (Vince Di Meglio, the best thing about this film), taking out all his henchmen in a series of bloody and (supposedly) comic viginettes. The bullets fly fast and furious as Ozark shoots his way through the cast, is rescued by a girl (Stephanie Matthews-Diaz) who has a connection to the coin, and hopes for a happy ending. The only problem is that Steinauer tries to dazzle us with overused camera tricks (solarized shots, sped-up photography, bullet-eye view) and an ending that can best be described as unfinished. I had high hopes for the film, but was disappointed almost immediately after putting the DVD in my player. It just tries to be too hip for its own good. It's all flash and no substance. A little restraint would have went a long way. Also starring Elliott Grey, Ken Wilson, Manny Fernandez and Bill Hill. Made in 1999 and not released until 2002. Now you know why. A Canyon Releasing, LLC Release. Rated R.

BARN OF THE NAKED DEAD (1974) - This totally misogynistic horror film is famous for two things: It is an early work from art house director Alan Rudolph (credited as "Gerald Cormier" on some prints) and contains a devil-may-care performance by Andrew Prine. Both have said that they wish this film was better left forgotten. While I agree, others absolutely love this film. I'm still baffled why. The story begins with three female singers (Manuella Theiss, Sherry Alberoni and Gyl Roland) having car trouble on their way to Las Vegas. They become stuck in the desert and are rescued by Andre (Prine). Andre turns out to be a psychopathic freak and chains up the girls in his barn, along with a half dozen other girls that are already there. He whips the girls in order to get them to follow his orders ("You all belong to me now, you know."). This delusional freak is making them perform in his own private circus. Andre also keeps a mountain lion as a pet and sets it loose whenever a girl tries to escape. Also running around in the desert is a mutated radioactive man who lives in a shack near the barn and kills any nosey people who stray near the area. This mutant turns out to be Andre's father, who got too near a nuclear test years earlier. That's about all the story there is. The rest of the film is mainly scenes of Andre whipping the female cast while spewing bile, making the girls perform circus tricks, killing them when they don't obey and a small subplot of the three girls' agent searching the area for them. Unfortunately there are no instances of nudity, living or dead, only a very bad film with a real downbeat ending. Alan Rudolph took over directing this film after the original director couldn't hack it and Andrew Prine has said in interviews that he even directed parts of it because he wouldn't get paid unless the film was finished. Rudolph would go on to direct the weird ENDANGERED SPECIES (1982) and a whole bunch of noteworthy art films. Andrew Prine is no stranger to the horror genre, appearing in THE CENTERFOLD GIRLS (1973), GRIZZLY (1976), THE EVIL (1978) and countless others. BARN OF THE NAKED DEAD, also known as NIGHTMARE CIRCUS and TERROR CIRCUS, is one of Prine's lesser efforts. Also starring Jennifer Ashley, Chuck Niles, Gil Lamb, Sheila Bromley and Al Cormier. An AIR Video Release. Also released on DVD from Legend House. Rated R.

DR. CHOPPER (2005) - Lame slasher flick and, since it comes from York Entertainment, you know it's gonna suck bad. Demented plastic surgeon Dr. Chopper (Ed Brigadier), named so because of the type of motorcycle he rides, is killing young teens with his two female assistants in order to conquer aging. As the police close in, Dr. Chopper and his assistants escape to parts unknown. Thirty years later, a group of five teens go on a vacation to a cabin in the woods, where an alcoholic park ranger (Costas Mandylor) is trying to drink all his problems away while half the county is either disappearing or found dead with body parts missing. Who is causing all this mayhem? Why, it's no other than Dr. Chopper, now a spry 87 years old and still riding his motorcycle. After dispatching most of the cast and the park ranger's new partner, there's one surprise for the remaining female victim (Chelsey Crisp) as Dr. Chopper and his deformed flesh-hungry assistants try to kill her for her DNA (don't ask). I really feel sorry for Costas Mandylor. Appearing in dreck like this is only one step above starring in a porno film. Forget that the film doesn't make any sense because your eyes and ears won't believe how badly this film is edited and acted. Director Lewis Schoenbrun (SLAUGHTERHOUSE PHI - 2006) has no idea how to frame a shot or build suspense which is a surprise considering how many low-budget horror films he has edited. What you are left with is a very bloody film (lots of body parts, throat slashings and stabbings) with a highly disposable cast of no-talents and a plot that could fit on a cocktail napkin. The worst part about this film is seeing how far Costas Mandylor has fallen. He knows it too. You can see it in his performance. Also starring Robert Adamson, Chase Hoyt, Butch Hansen, Ashley McCarthy and Benjamin Keepers. A York Entertainment Release. Not Rated.

CITY OF BLOOD (1983) - Deadly boring South African production about the murders of white prostitutes by some unknown Black assailant using an ancient African spiked weapon. The town medical examiner (Joe Stewardson, who looks like Jack Elam on a three week bender), who is dealing with some personal and professional problems of his own (including talking to people who aren't really there and having prophetic dreams), tries to solve the series of killings while dealing with racial tensions and a crooked government. More soap opera than horror, this film tries to stuff too many ideas into the plot and alienates the audience in the process. We have ancient curses (the prologue takes place 2,000 years ago), police procedurals, a severely-flawed main character who walks around most of the time with his eyes closed, Black vs. White tensions (filmed before apartheid was a common word) and government back-stabbing. While all that sounds promising, first-time director/writer Darrell Roodt (PAVEMENT - 2002; DRACULA 3000 - 2004) fails to inject any adrenaline into his screenplay and the film moves at a snail's pace.  It doesn't help that the film makes no sense at all, either. This film is nothing but a long 96 minute stretch of tedium. Also starring Ian Yule, Ken Gampu (who seems to appear in every other South African film produced in the 70's and 80's), Susan Coetzer, Greg Latter, Gys De Villiers and Liz Dick. Picked up by New World Pictures for distribution in the United States and released on video by Magnum Entertainment. Rated R.

VOODOO DOLLS (1990) - Simply horrid piece of Canadian trash, that even a screenplay written by Ed Adlum (listed here as "Ed Kleeher" [actually "Kelleher"] on the error-ridden video box) cannot save. Troubled girl Vanessa (Grace Phillips) is sent to The Hanley School For Girls where, 30 years earlier, the headmaster and two schoolgirls were savagely slashed to death while having sex. Vanessa joins the drama club and takes the lead in a cursed play, the same play that was put on 30 years ago. Soon a voodoo curse is unleased, which will take the lives of those who stand in the way of stopping Vanessa from becoming the new voodoo queen. Boring to the point of no return, VOODOO DOLLS contains no redeeming qualities except for the small section where the school's maintenance man is attacked in the basement by a horde of the title creatures. It's so funny and poorly done that you'll find yourself laughing hysterically. Then you'll experience boredom again for the rest of the film.  Director Andre Pelletier (who has acted in French Canadian films since the early 70's) gives us some nice scenery, filmed in the French quarters of Monteal, but has no idea how to pace a film as it just lumbers along to it's final banal conclusion. The acting here is also a major distraction. The actor who plays the Black voodoo priest Desmond (Graham Chambers) is so wooden in his delivery I swore I saw leaves growing out of his ears. While there is some female nudity on view, it's still not enough for me to justify this as a rental or impulse buy to anyone. The violence is also nearly nonexistant and what there is only amounts to throwing some fake blood on someone and calling it a slaughter. Save your money for the strip club instead. An Atlas Entertainment Corp. Release. Rated R.

THE SHAMAN (1987) - What smells worse than a baby's full diaper? What stinks more than a slaughterhouse in the Summer sun? What odor is stronger than an unwashed Taliban member? Look no further, your answer is here. This putrid excuse for a film tells the tale of an evil Shaman (Eivind Harum), who is searching for someone to inherit his black magic powers. On his search, he uses his powers on Jack (Michael Conforti), who initially rebukes the Shaman's powers. When Jack tells his friends about the Shaman, they think he's crazy.  Only his friend Paul (James Farkas) offers Jack any help. Meanwhile, the Shaman kidnaps Jack's wife Millie (Michelle Kronin) and forces Jack to do his bidding if he wants Millie back alive. Jack kidnaps the mailman (?), brings him to the Shaman and the Shaman cuts his throat. Jack then becomes possessed and does whatever the Shaman commands. Can Paul help Jack beat the Shaman? There's also a subplot about two little Black kids (who are better actors than their adult contemporaries) whose parents become possessed by the Shaman and try to get anyone to believe that their parents are screwed-up. That's the whole story, folks. The rest of the film is just a series of static dialogue scenes, spoken by untalented actors, stitched together in random order, with a quick bloodless stabbing here and there. It's no wonder that director Michael Yakub never made another film. At times the film is so slow, it seems to go in reverse. There's not one thing to recommend here. No nudity, no blood, no action, no nothing. I've had blisters on my thumb that were more exciting than this. The only thing worthwhile is the comical huge bow that Paul's wife Lizzy (Bianca Levin) wears in her hair for the entire film. Save your dough and time. Also starring Michelle Kronin, Lynne Weaver and Mike Folger. An Imperial Entertainment Home Video Release. Not available on DVD (count that as a blessing). Not Rated, but no worse than a PG-13.

CEMETERY HIGH (1988) - Terribly unfunny horror comedy, directed by Gorman Bechard, who also gave us PSYCHOS IN LOVE (1986) and GALACTIC GIGOLO (1987), two other unfunny genre comedies. This one also breaks the fourth wall, as the actors break character to talk to the audience and then slip back into character and continue on with the scene. While this may seem like a nice break from the norm, it really isn't because the characters are so broad and unsympathetic (nearly every male character acts like a raving retard or misogynist) that you end up just shaking your head in disgust. There is also the novelty of the "Gore Gong" which sounds whenever a scene of blood is about to be shown and the "Hooter Honk" which sounds whenever scenes of nudity are about to be displayed. What's the story behind this whole mess do you ask? It's a story about five high school girls (who look old enough to have graduated college) who get even with every male that has abused them and other women in their town.  They go around shooting, stabbing, chopping, running over and chainsawing their prey. All the violence is played broadly and not very convincingly (most of it is never shown) and the nudity, while nice, seems to go against the story's grain (especially when they talk about who has the biggest tits), thereby making it gratuitous. The acting is uniformly awful as the actors mug for the cameras and a lot of them look like they are reading off cue cards. This is really rough going for even the most patient film viewer. Carmine Capobianco, who co-wrote this mess with Bechard and starred in many of Bechard's films, plays the same character in this one that he did in Bechard's first film, DISCONNECTED (1983). Gorman Bechard does seem to have a cult following, but this film seems to play a joke on his fans as he pulls away at nearly every turn when he's about to show violence and nudity. He's playing you for the sucker. There's even a scene set in a video store where the girls praise PSYCHOS IN LOVE and even hold up the VHS box for everyone to see and another in an agent's office where a poster for DISCONNECTED is proudly displayed. One gets the feeling that Bechard is in love with himself. Starring Debi Thibeault, Karen Nielsen, Lisa Schmidt, Ruth Collins (who seems to be the only one with talent here), Simone, Tony Kruk, David Coughlin and Frank Stewart. Also known as HACK 'EM HIGH and SCUMBUSTERS (which is the name the Press gives the girls' group). A Unicorn Video Release wich is OOP. Also available on DVD from Full Moon (Charles Band was the uncredited Executive Producer). Not Rated, but no harder than a soft R.

THE FOG (2005) - Pointless remake which adds nothing new to the 1979 original. Director Rupert Wainwright (STIGMATA - 1999) films many of the scenes exactly the same as John Carpenter's original, who is a producer here and gets a "Based on the film written by" credit along with producer Debra Hill, who died a few months before this film was released to theaters. The story has changed slightly (the booty is no longer in the church, but in the Town Hall), but it can't change the fact that this is a minor horror entry. The same cast of characters are here: Tom Welling (SMALLVILLE) takes over for Tom Atkins. Maggie Grace (LOST) steps in for Jamie Lee Curtis. Selma Blair (HELLBOY - 2004) now mans the radio station in the lighthouse (which doesn't even play an important part in this film), a job that was originally handled by Adrienne Barbeau. Sara Botsford has the Janet Leigh role. All the other characters from the original are in this, except instead of Hal Holbrook as the priest holding the secret it is now Kenneth Walsh as the town's mayor.  A few minor updates involving the use of computers and a video camera are added to modernize the story, but screenwriter Cooper Layne basically just lets all other aspects of his screenplay mimic the original. While I consider the original film to be lesser Carpenter, at least it was steeped in atmosphere as the fog was a character all in itself. This remake has most of the fog CGI-created, making it look hokey, not scarey. The remake's idea of scares consists of turning up the volume of the soundtrack and hope you jump. It doesn't. It's just annoying and will have you reaching for the volume control on a regular basis. The ghostly denizens of the phantom ship are also poorly rendered. Spend your hard-earned money on something more worthy. Like a good back-waxing (you know you need it). The DVD is the Unrated version (it was rated PG-13 when in theaters) and contains almost three minutes of extra footage. I saw nothing that would even push it into R territory. Also starring Rade Sherbedgia, DeRay Davis and Adrian Hough. A Columbia Pictures Home Video Release. Unrated.

JIGSAW (2002) - Another ridiculous badly-acted low-budget piece of Full Moon/Tempe Entertainment tripe made just before Charles Band (who executive produced this) put his production company into a self-imposed moratorium. A college art professor divides a mannequin into five pieces and gives each piece to one of his students (it's a small class) to decorate. They are given a week to do their best to personalize the body parts (one guy puts a video camera in the head) and they are all to meet at a bar (!) to put the pieces together, the result being called Jigsaw. After they all get drunk and bare their deepest desires and fears, they burn Jigsaw as part of their final grade. Guess what? Yep, that right. Jigsaw comes to life and begins killing the students, taking a piece of their body just like they took a piece of his. Ho hum. Wasn't this already covered in a film called THE FEAR (1994) with a life-size wooden doll called Morty?  Let get something straight right off the bat: Any professor that would take his students (some who are underage) to a bar to hold class would immediately be fired. But, to let them order rounds of drinks of their choice, while they explain why they decorated the mannequin's body parts the way they did and then charging the drinks to the college is just plain criminal (granted, it's just a junior college, but still...). Not only does the professor drink with them, he also smokes a joint and hits on one of his female students. Where is this college and how do I get a teaching position there? It took two directors, Don Adams and Harry James Picardi (who both also produced, wrote and edited), to make this steaming pile of unbelievable manure and it takes over 50 minutes (of it's 77 minute running time) before anything happens besides endless mindless chatter and grade school emoting (one of the students clenches his teeth throughout, like he's trying to squeeze one out). I'm tired of crap like this. It pulls away from most of the violence, lives in an illogical universe all it's own (where you can stare out of windows made of that thick frosted glass and see everything on the other side clearly) and is boring as a bowl of fuck. Watching this film is akin to rubbing cat turds in your eyes. This is also about the tenth film to use the title JIGSAW. It is also the worst. Starring Barret Walz, Aimee Brave, Mia Zifkin, Arthur Simone and David Wesley Cooper. A Full Moon Entertainment Release. Rated R.

QUEEN KONG (1977) - Made as a quick cash-in of Dino DeLaurentiis' version of KING KONG (1976), DeLaurentiis sucessfully blocked it's release in American theaters. As much as I dislike the 1976 remake, this gender-reversal comedy/musical take-off is so abominable, I thought of burning my eyes out after watching it to try and rinse my mind of this piece of celluloid trash. Thankfully, clearer heads prevailed. Rula Lenska stars as Luce Habit (groan), a filmmaker looking for a male actor to star in her new movie to be filmed in Africa. She finds him in petty thief and pothead Ray Fay (Robin Askwith of HORROR HOSPITAL - 1973; and, oh, double groan). She drugs and shanghais him off to Africa and begins shooting her film. They run into a female tribe that force their men to do menial tasks or to be used as sacrifices for Queen Kong, the huge horny female ape who rules the area. Ray is kidnapped by the female tribe and offered as a sacrifice to Queenie, who falls in love with him (and he with her). I think we can all see where this is heading. Queen Kong is brought to London where she breaks loose (after being forced to wear a giant bra and panties!) and causes mass destruction.  I can't begin to describe how truly awful this film is to sit through. It's like sitting in a dentist's chair waiting to have that double root canal. Director/writer Frank Agrama (DAWN OF THE MUMMY - 1981) tosses jokes fast and furiously at the screen and not a single one of them sticks. There's also jokey references to THE EXORCIST, JAWS and other popular films at the time, none of them humorous in any way. You'll hear lines like, "Tarzan, your wife Jane is on the other vine!" and "You can't eat me. I'm a Jewish Black Irish leper!". Please shoot me now because if I remember any more my brain will bleed. This kitchen sink comedy also has the shoddiest special effects that you'll ever see. LAND OF THE LOST had more believable effects. Queen Kong is a ragged mess (and looks nothing like the picture on the DVD sleeve) as are the tyrannosaurus rex and the pteradactyl that she fights. It's also filled with lots of Benny Hill-type moments  (people running around while the film is sped-up) but, they too, are about as funny as an abortion. I have the feeling if the makers of AIRPLANE ever saw this and the miserable way it fails as a comedy, they wouldn't even have tried.  The makers of QUEEN KONG should all be arrested for grand larceny. They have stolen my will to live. Also starring Valerie Leon, Roger Hammond, John Clive, Carol Drinkwater and Linda Hayden as The Singing Nun. Does God know about this? A Retromedia Entertainment Release. Not Rated.

CATHY'S CURSE (1977) - Hey, do you need an excuse to hate the French? Try watching this piece of drivel. George (Alan Scarfe) returns to his parents home with mentally unstable wife Vivian (Beverley Murray) and young daughter Cathy (Randi Allen). Years earlier, George's mother left his father, taking George with her but leaving daughter Laura with the father. George's father and Laura go chasing after George and Mom, but get into a car accident and are burned to death. Back in the present, Cathy becomes possessed by Laura (who, it turns out, was an evil little brat when she was alive) and begins acting strange. She starts hurting the neighborhood children, taunts her nanny (and eventually pushes her out a window), levitates objects and carries Laura's ugly doll (the scariest thing in the film) with her wherever she goes. Only the family dog (who also ends up dead) seems to know how evil Cathy really is (she's so evil, she turns a perfectly good pork chop into a maggot-ridden piece of rancid meat by just looking at it), but when Cathy's mom becomes hip to how evil she is, no one believes her because of her past mental problems. Do you really need to hear any more about this film? Let's just say that the doll has more personality than any of the actors in this. Those fucking French are lucky I like their toast and fries.  This is truly a chore to sit through. This French/Canadian co-production, directed by Eddy Matalon (BLACKOUT - 1978), makes absolutely no sense and is an affront to your eyes and ears. This is basically a low-rent riff on themes found in THE EXORCIST (1973) and THE OMEN (1976), as Cathy works her way through a series of nannies, family members and friends in mostly non-bloody ways. You really want to throw up your hands and scream, "Enough already!", when Dad entrust the care of Cathy to alcoholic handyman Paul (Roy Witham) after she has killed her nanny and put her Mom back in the looney bin. Talk about parental neglect! Filled with cheap scares, objects floating on visible wires, plenty of glass objects spontaneously breaking and dialogue like, "Well, if it isn't the medium herself! Medium? More like an extra-rare piece of shit!" Woo, boy! Can you smell it? That's shitty dialogue. Little Randi Allen plays Cathy with only one expression: A mad little pout that looks like she's shitting little brown babies in her underwear. Maybe this is the French's idea of a scary movie, but you also have to remember that they eat snails and frogs legs. I've seen scarier thing on Sesame Street (Fozzie the Bear is the Antichrist! Don't try and change my mind.). Also starring Mary Morter and Dorothy Davis. CATHY'S CURSE has never looked good on home video. Originally released on VHS by Continental Video in a soft print and then released by budget label Gemstone Entertainment in an unwatchable EP-mode mess. The version on Mill Creek Entertainment's 50 movie DVD compilation titled CHILLING CLASSICS is one of the worst DVD presentations I have ever seen (and I've seen plenty). It's taken from an extremely scratchy print (missing more than a few frames) and is encoded in such a low bitrate that any sudden movements causes extreme pixelization. Maybe that's for the best. You're not missing much anyway. Rated R.

DEAD SILENCE (2006) - Taken out of their natural habitat (on stage or in comedy clubs), ventriloquist dummies are fucking scary. This movie tries to play on that fear. A husband and wife receive a dummy at their door that seems to have a life of it's own. While the husband is out getting Chinese food, the wife is brutally slaughtered, her face sliced up to look like a dummy and her tongue cut out. A local detective (a really horrendous Donnie Walhberg) thinks the husband, Jamie (Ryan Kwanten), murdered his wife, but Jamie finds a clue that the dummy (his name is Billy) belonged to the late ventriloquist Mary Shaw (Judith Roberts), who was killed years ago in the town of Ravens Fair after being accused in the disappearance of local children. Jamie goes to Ravens Fair (which, as luck would have it, is his home town) and begins unraveling the mystery of Mary Shaw and her 101 dolls, who all got buried in separate graves surrounding Mary. Why would someone dig up Billy and send it to the married couple? It all has to do with Jamie's father (Bob Gunton), who was one of the men who killed Mary years earlier. Mary has returned for revenge and she has dug up all 101 of her children to help her get it. That's all you need to know about this slow-moving flick, directed by James Wan (the SAW franchise). Besides a couple of decent jump scares courtesy of creepy Billy and his moving eyes and jaw, this is a pretty tedious affair and an ugly film to look at. The film is purposely drained of most of it's color and given a sickly blue glow, so everyone looks jaunticed or dead. It's done to set a mood, but it becomes a severe distraction after the first 30 minutes. I can't begin to describe how utterly awful Donnie Wahlberg's performance is here. His bullying portrayal as a no-nonsense cop is so devoid of any emotional depth, you'll swear he's more wooden than the dummies. It also doesn't help that the film doesn't make a lick of sense (Why start the killings now? Wouldn't it have been more prudent to kill those responsible for your death much earlier than this?). I think director Wan and scripter Leigh Whannell were looking to create a new horror franchise, but since this died a very quick death in theaters, I think this is the last we will see Mary Shaw and her huge tongue (Did I forget to mention that? Every time she cuts out someone's tongue, her's get longer!). DEAD SILENCE contains more false scares than real ones and some would say that the film's title best describes the audience's reaction after viewing it. The DVD restores a few seconds of gore excised to obtain an R rating. The DVD also contains an unfinished alternate ending and some deleted scenes, but none of it is interesting. Also starring Michael Fairman (the best performance in the film), Amber Valletta, Laura Regan and Joan Heney. A Universal Studios Home Entertainment Release. Unrated.

PSYCHOS IN LOVE (1986) - Here's what to expect: The opening scene shows a girl dropping her panties, taking a pee and then being hung by her neck in the bathroom stall. Then, a quick succession of women are killed by Joe (co-scripter Carmine Capobianco), a bar owner and serial killer. The women die by garrotting, a slit throat and a re-enactment of the shower scene in PSYCHO (Joe kills the last woman because she liked grapes and, in the immortal words of Joe, "I fucking hate grapes!"). Then one day, manicurist Kate (Debi Thibeault) walks into his strip club and it's love at first sight (turns out she hates grapes, too). You see, Kate is also a serial killer and murders men at random. When they open up to each other and find out they are both "unstable", they agree to join forces and become unstable together. They become a serial killing couple and begin bringing people home and murdering them together. So begins director/producer/co-scripter Gorman Bechard's (DISCONNECTED - 1983; CEMETERY HIGH - 1988) ultra-low-budget horror comedy which spends too much time winking at the audience and not enough time developing a plot (Where the hell are the cops?). The characters break the fourth wall often, as Joe and Kate speak directly to the screen, the camera and boom mike become conscious parts of the plot and even the special effects crew are seen pumping stage blood during one murder sequence. The violence is graphic (effects by Jennifer Aspinal), but hard to take seriously since Joe and Kate wink at the screen so often. The film is also full of nudity, bit it's also used for comical effect. There's also a sub-plot about a plumber (Frank Stewart), who is also a cannibalistic serial killer and works his way through the cast until there's the eventual showdown between him and Joe and Kate. I know this film has it's fans, but I'm not one of them. I've always found Bechard's films a little too forced and jokey for my tastes and frequent star Carmine Capobianco (who also composed the crappy original songs) to be an odd choice for a leading man. His pudgy build, full beard and thinning hair, added to his total lack of acting talent, makes a pretty pathetic impression on the screen. Try watching this and Bechard's GALATIC GIGOLO (1987) in one sitting, to experience the filmic equivilent of a full frontal lobotomy. The only saving grace is Bechard regular Debi Thibeault, who is not only beautiful, she also has a modicum of talent. It's too bad she couldn't have escaped Bechard's gravitational pull and appeared in more mainstream fare (she quit acting in 1989). PSYCHOS IN LOVE, like all of Gorman Bechard's 80's films, was made in Connecticut utilizing local talent. Too bad most of that talent had no talent. Also starring Cecilia Wilde, Donna Davidge, LeeAnne Baker, Ruth Collins and a very early role for future TV star Eric Lutes. A Wizard Video Release. Not Rated.

WARLORDS FROM HELL (1985) - Simply horrible action film. Two American motorcross racers, Kirk (Brad Henson) and Hal (Jeffrey D. Rice), run afoul of a bunch of motorcycle-riding marijuana farmers in Mexico and are taken prisoner and used as slave labor on the farm. Since the local police (there seems to be only one cop in town) are as crooked as a hillbilly's teeth (tooth?), Hal and Kirk must figure out a way to escape this hell and get back to their native soil. A little Mexican boy named Manuel (Sol Castillo), the brother of farm captive Maria (Leonell Carter), smuggles a letter to Hal and Kirk's sister Betsy (Ann-Charlotte Elming), another motorcross racer, asking for help. Betsy, along with friend Mike (Mark Merry) and mechanic Zeke (George Randall), build two special armor-plated sidehack motorcycles for the rescue. Disguised as a priest and a nun (!), Mike and Betsy head for Mexico. Armed with automatic weapons and grenades, Mike and Betsy assault the marijuana farm in hopes of freeing Hal and Kirk. A high time is not had by all.  This short (75 minute) piece of flotsam is the filmic equivalent of raw sewage. Director Clark Henderson (SAIGON COMMANDOS - 1987; PRIMARY TARGET - 1988) hasn't got a clue how to film an action scene and there's a total lack of logic to the threadbare plot. You'll groan out loud when you see how easy it is for Betsy and Mike to find the secret marijuana farm. Even more brain-busting is how they are able to smuggle two armored-plated sidehack cycles and a cache of weapons over the Mexican border, not to mention how they are experts with guns and explosives. I guess you learn a lot on the motorcross circuit. The final extended motorcycle chase should be used as a primer on how not to film an action scene. The stunts are poor, the film is obviously cranked-up to make the chases seem faster than they actually were and camera shadows are in abundance. Equally embarassing is a young Robert Patrick (TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY - 1991), in one of his first film roles, as motorcycle gang member Rod, who is constantly picking fights (and loses nearly every one of them) and calls everyone "pussies" (a lot). This could have been a career-busting performance but, luckily, hardly anyone saw this turd. There's a reason for that: It's a boring, poorly-made, badly-acted and unexciting action flick that just screams out Grade Z. I've had better times at funerals. My condolences to those that have suffered through this film. If a camera had an ass, this is what it would shit out. Filmed under the title THE LAST RIDE. Also starring Magic Schwarz, Harold Cannon, Richard Leos, Don Elliot Alexander and Wesley Bennett. A Warner Home Video Release. Rated R.

RUMBLE IN THE STREETS (1996) - During the mid-90's, Roger Corman and his Concorde Pictures ran out of other people's ideas to rip-off, so he started ripping-off himself. This is nothing but a poverty-stricken, nearly verbatim remake of STREETS (1990) and it's nearly unwatchable, thanks to the lethargic direction of Bret McCormick (THE ABOMINATION - 1986; ARMED FOR ACTION - 1992) and the acting of a no-talent cast. Where STREETS was an effective "life on the streets" thriller, this film fails at nearly every turn (the scripters of STREETS, Andy Ruben and Katt Shea Ruben [who also directed], are credited with co-authoring the script here [along with McCormick], but they are only credited for contractual reasons). The story is simple: Street hustler Tori (Kimberly Rowe; KNOCKING ON DEATH'S DOOR - 1998) runs afoul of psychotic motorcycle cop Lumley (Patcick DeFazio) when she shows her tits to him. He goes to touch them, but Tori freaks out (she doesn't like anyone touching her, thanks to a childhood event that haunts her) and scratches him across the face (the scratches on his face change constantly throughout the film). Lumley starts to strangle her, but she is saved by Texas road poet Sy (David Courtemarche) and they both jump off a bridge to escape Lumley, who is unloading his pistol in their direction. The rest of the film details Tori and Sy's burgeoning friendship while Lumley begins killing all of Tori's street friends in his search for her and Sy. Along the way, we get abject "insights" into the plight of street people (including a little girl who pimps herself out to pedophiles) while Tori and Sy fall in love and fight off Lumley's murderous rage. While STREETS contained an incredible performance by a young Christina Applegate, RUMBLE IN THE STREETS relies on the non-acting talents of Kimberly Rowe to carry the film and she fails miserably. Nearly everyone in this film couldn't act their way out of a paper bag and I could accept that if it wasn't for the hamfisted direction of McCormick, who hasn't got a clue on how to handle action scenes. The whole film reeks of desperation and cheapness and not the good kind that can add to a film's ambience. While McCormick does try to infuse this flick with some sleaze (Rowe has plenty of nude scenes and there are some bloody murders, including a drug dealer who has the barrel of a gun shoved up his ass before Lumley pulls the trigger), but the overall impoverished look of the production eliminates any the enjoyment the viewer may have hoped to find. Atrociously acted, photographed, directed and scored. Why would anyone in their right mind want to watch an awful remake of STREETS when that film is readily available to rent? Really, watch that instead of this abhorrent, 74 minute, piece of shit. I've passed gas that was infinitely more satisfying than this. Like most of McCormick's epics, this was shot in his home state of Texas. Also starring Vanessa Lauren, Tom Young, Dylan Coover, Scarlett McAlister, Mike Nicol and Sean Cordobes. A New Horizons Home Video Release. Rated R.

CHAINSAW CHEERLEADERS (2008) - I'll admit I have a thing for Tiffany Shepis (BLOODY MURDER 2 - 2002; THE HAZING - 2004). I'll watch anything she's in, but even I have my limits and this "film" is it. I use the word "film" loosely, because this is nothing but another of director/screenwriter Donald Farmer's terrible SOV flicks (which also includes DEMON QUEEN - 1986; CANNIBAL HOOKERS - 1987; SAVAGE VENGEANCE - 1989; VAMPIRE COP - 1990 and DORM OF THE DEAD - 2006) that contains awful acting (Tiffany excluded, of course), cheap CGI effects, grade school gore and a pointless script that tries to be funny, but constantly falls on it's ass. Goth chick Dawn (Michele Grey) has to decide on going to jail or joining a cheerleading camp after beating the crap out of her boyfriend when she discovers that he's been cheating on her (What?). She joins the cheerleader camp and one night Dawn and a handful of cheerleaders visit a haunted house (it looks more like a mountain cabin), where Dawn spies on a witch (who has several rings through her lower lip and nose) sacrificing a teenage girl in order to open a portal that frees 500 year-old witch Lucinda (Shepis) from eternal damnation. After spotting Dawn looking through the window, Lucinda possesses Bambi (Misty Marie), a member of the cheerleading squad, while Dawn picks up a handy chainsaw and gets down to business. Lucinda frames Dawn for the murders the possessed Bambi is committing (including the killing of Dawn's ex-boyfriend's extremely fat and ugly new girlfriend), but Dawn fights back, cutting off the possessed Bambi's head with a chainsaw just before another portal opens and some Puritans drag Lucinda back to the past. For all you masochists out there, never fear, because the ending leaves the flick wide-open for the inevitable sequel. My head hurts.  Boring to the point of being an insomniac's wet dream, CHAINSAW CHEERLEADERS couldn't possibly be worse if it tried. Rather than using physical effects, director Don Farmer (who also portrays Dawn's father) goes the cheapo "do it on your home computer" CGI route and they're simply abysmal (especially the snake-like thingy that follows Lucinda around). Most of the chainsaw attacks are computer-generated effects (they are so obvious, it's criminal [and the chainsaw blades never spin!]) and what physical effects there are belong in a high school play (especially Bambi's possession makeup). Toss in cheerleaders that are at least fifteen years too old, a script that doesn't make a lick of sense, dialogue that only retards would speak (After witnessing Dawn chainsawing the mute servant of the witch in half, one of the cheerleaders says, "What did you do, like step on his rose bushes?") and very little nudity considering the cast (which includes Debbie Rochon as Dawn's rape-obsessed psychiatrist) and you'll wonder why you got sucked into renting or buying this (In all fairness, Don Farmer [who is a really nice guy] sent me this free of charge after learning that I'm a fan of Ms. Shepis). I'm in awe of it's awfulness. Also starring Jackey Hall (also the Producer), Ciara Richards, Rabecca Lee, Rudy Ownbey and Harmony Xanix (I need one of those, stat!). This is self-distributed by Donald Farmer on DVD-R and, as of this writing, is not even listed on IMDB. Not Rated.

SPLATTER: THE ARCHITECTS OF FEAR (1986) - I've heard plenty of terrible things about this pseudo-documentary about the behind-the-scenes making of a phony splatter film and, after watching it, I'm here to tell you that all those harsh words are all too true. This shot-on-video ass-dropping has an off-screen narrator (Christopher Britton) walking us through the "making of" a post-apocalyptic film where a tribe of cannibal Amazons battle a bunch of male mutants, showing us in repetitive (and boring) detail how every gory effect is achieved. Every now and then, the "documentary" stops dead in it's tracks to show us the antics of the film's deformed gofer, Fang (Paul Saunders, who sports one fang, like a vampire that tried to put the bite on a piece of petrified wood), who disrupts the film's shoot at the most inopportune times, not to mention biting the heads off live rats every now and then. The question quickly becomes: Why in the hell would a film company employ this retard? (On a side note: Why would Fang let himself be forced to eat out of a dog dish on the floor while the rest of the cast and crew have lunch at a table right next to him?) That's the whole film in a nutshell. Needless to say, if the film this fake documentary is documenting was ever actually made and released, it would probably be ten times more entertaining than SPLATTER, but that's not saying much. Ten times zero still equals zero.  This Canadian production, directed by Peter Rowe (who directed lots of episodic Canadian TV, as well as making several real documentaries), may have been mildly diverting back when it was made (when there was still some mystery in how special effects makeup was done), but today it just seems dated. All the behind-the-scenes stuff seems endless, as the film's premise is this: Show a short clip (usually less than two minutes) of the "real" movie and then spend the next ten minutes or so detailing how every gore shot in that clip was achieved, followed by a short scene of Fang misbehaving in some way, like interfering with a shot or babbling to himself like some deranged mental patient doing an imitation of Peter Lorre. I'm at a loss for words describing how simply awful Paul Saunders is as Fang and I also have a hard time understanding why Rowe found it necessary to include this character into his film. For a film about special makeup effects, Fang's makeup is especially sub-par, drawing attention to the bad prosthetic over his left eye and his blatantly fake dental appliance. On the plus side, there's plenty of female nudity (apparently, Amazon women of the future have trouble keeping their tops on) and bloody gore, but the repetitive nature of the final product and the obvious non-acting talents of everyone in the cast (who try to make all the behind-the-scenes footage seem ad-libbed, but they all look rehearsed and forced), not to mention Fang, makes this 77 minute faux documentary a true chore to sit through. This was one of those films that every video store I frequented during the 80's & 90's had a copy of, but it never seemed to leave the shelves. There's a reason for that. Also starring Amber Wendleborg, Patti Aldrich, Doug Cawker and dozens of other people you never heard of. There's a reason for that, too. Surprisingly, Paul Saunders seems to be the only person in the cast that made a career in the acting profession. Originally available on VHS from North American Home Video Entertainment and not yet available on DVD. Thank your lucky stars. Not Rated.

DAY OF THE DEAD (2007) - Remember saying to yourself, "Oh, great, another shitty remake!" when hearing about director Zack Snyder's retelling of DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004) and then finding that you actually found it quite entertaining? Well, there's none of that here. This is about as shitty as they come and it bears as much in common with George Romero's DAY OF THE DEAD (1985) as Richard Simmons does with heterosexuality. Made in late 2006, but released directly to DVD in 2008 (not a good sign), this "reimagining" of Romero's classic (my favorite of his five [so far] DEAD films) finds the town of Leadville, Colorado being quarantined by the military, led by Captain Rhodes (Ving Rhames, who starred in the DAWN remake, but only has an extended cameo here), after the townspeople come down with a mysterious "flu", which leads to death and then instant reanimation as flesh-hungry zombies. As luck would have it (in what turns out to be a long line of handy coincidences), one of the National Guard members, Sarah Bowman (Mena Suvari; STUCK - 2007), was a citizen of Leadville before she left to join the Guard. When she disobeys a direct order and checks up on her sick mother and brother Trevor (Michael Welsh), Sarah, along with her brother, Dr. Logan (Matt Rippy), Trevor's girlfriend Nina (AnnaLynne McCord) and fellow soldiers Bud (Stark Sands) and Salazar (a terrible Nick Cannon), must fight a town full of screaming, fast-moving zombies (who now also sport such ridiculous powers like being able to jump unrealistic heights and the ability to walk on walls and ceilings!) while trying to avoid being bitten and infected. Trevor and Nina are trapped inside a radio station with overweight, pot-smoking DJ Paul (Ian McNeice; FREEZE FRAME - 2004), while Sarah and the rest must fight their way out of a hospital, which is surrounded by zombies. When Sarah finally reunites with her brother, they find a secret underground base and discover that the government was using the citizens of Leadville to test out their latest biological weapon. In a finale stolen directly from John Carpenter's ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 (1976), Sarah, Trevor and Nina kill all the zombies in a huge fireball and get out of Dodge as quickly as possible.  My, oh my, where do I begin in describing how truly insulting this film is to the George Romero zombie mythos? While I have no problem with the zombies being quick-moving (the DAWN remake proved it could be effectively scary), director Steve Miner (FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 [1981] & 3 [1982]; HOUSE - 1986; LAKE PLACID - 1999), working with a screenplay by Jeffrey Reddick, found it necessary to give the zombies gravity-defying powers that are so stupid, it made me cringe in embarrassment. About the only zombie mythos still adhered to is death by head trauma (Don't get me started that the zombies instantly explode when exposed to fire!). The most embarrassing aspect of this entire film is when Bud (a painful tip of the hat to the original DAY's lead zombie Bub, played by Sherman Howard) is bitten and turns into a zombie; he refuses to bite anyone because he was a vegetarian when he was alive! Give me a break! While the film is bloody as hell (in my opinion, it goes well beyond it's R-rating), many of the effects are obviously CGI-enhanced or totally computer-generated, giving many of the effects a manufactured, fake feel. You never once experience the effectiveness that practical effects would have achieved. This is a pitiful excuse for a horror film, which is not helped by weak acting, especially by Nick Cannon, who spits out more rap and hip-hop jargon than ten Snoop Dog music videos. Don't waste your time. Watch the original instead. Co-producer Boaz Davidson (director of HOSPITAL MASSACRE [1981] and AMERICAN CYBORG: STEEL WARRIOR [1993]) was also Second Unit Director here. Also starring Taylor Hoover, Pat Kilbane, Christa Campbell and Robert Rias. Available on DVD from First Look Studios. Rated R.

THE DEADLY ART OF SURVIVAL (1979) - Ultra-low-budget urban actioner that was shot on Super 8MM. Ghetto resident Nathan (Nathan Ingram), a Bruce Lee-worshipping martial arts teacher in his early-20's, is beaten to a pulp by a gang when he wanders into the wrong part of the neighborhood. He vows revenge, so he buys a gun (from a young boy in a church, no less!) and sets out to get it. Nathan soon finds out that he was set-up and was supposed to be killed instead of beaten-up. It seems local gangster Frankie thought Nathan was fooling around with his oriental girlfriend and got her pregnant when, in fact, it was actually gang leader Miguel (who Frankie hired to kill Nathan) who was dipping his wick into Frankie's chick. Nathan then gets into a disagreement with Harry, a martial arts teacher from a competing school who is also the local drug dealer. Harry has two of his students (who dress as black ninjas) steal the tires off Nathan's car (while he's in it making love to his girl!), steal Nathan's hat and lunch (these ninjas are hardcore!) and then abduct his baby (He has a baby?), leaving a headless doll in it's place and a note telling Nathan that if he wants his baby back, he will have to fight the ninjas to the death on the rooftop of an apartment building. Nathan fights the two ninjas and gets his baby back, but he doesn't kill the ninjas. Instead, he tears off his martial arts school's patch from his jacket and gives it to the ninjas (huh?). Nathan then goes mano-a-mano with Harry in a fight to the death, as Nathan defeats Harry and drop-kicks him into the East River. The End.  This impossibly cheap home movie is a nice time capsule of the late-70's Lower East Side in Manhattan but, as a film, it's severely lacking in every department. Director/scripter Charlie Ahearn (who is better known for directing WILD STYLE [1983], which is considered to be the first film to deal with the subject of hip-hop) uses local non-actor talent and there are many flubbed and stepped-on lines (no second takes here). Ahearn also uses live sound recording, where the background traffic noise and even the sound to the camera's motor drown-out much of the dialogue. Add to that editing that is so choppy, it's hard to tell where one scene ends and another begins, truly awful hand-held camerawork that is mostly pointed in the wrong direction or out-of-focus and some of the worst-staged martial arts fight sequences this side of a Leo Fong flick. The film's fragmented timeline makes it tough for the viewer to keep track of what is going on and characters disappear before their plot lines are finished, as if Ahearn was making this all up as he went along or he simply couldn't get the local talent to appear in another scene. The whole film has an unrehearsed, almost documentary-like feel to it but, unfortunately, you'll be looking at your watch more than the screen, wondering when this little obscurity is finally going to end. The only bizarre scene is when a white drug supplier is ranting to someone on his bed (we see everything from the POV of the person on the bed), only to discover he is yelling at his cat! Local NY underground filmmaker Beth B helped with the production (she is also listed as one of the three camera operators) and appears in a small role. The opening credits are spoken by star Nathan Ingram and the closing credits are handwritten on a pane of glass. Also starring George David Gonzalez, Miguel Villanueva, Gerry Hovagimyan, Kiki Smith, Freddy Rivera, 'Sly' Arthur Abrams, Paula Humphrey, Rosetta Campbell and Yoshiki Chuma (she is painfully embarrassing to watch as Frankie's pregnant girlfriend). A Brink DVD Release. Not Rated, but there's not much in the way of violence or nudity, just plenty of swearing.

LADY AVENGER (1988) - When her brother Jeff is murdered by a street gang, tough prison chick Maggie Blair (Peggy Sanders; SHE WOLVES OF THE WASTELAND - 1988) is granted a temporary pardon (with a fat matron as her guard) to attend his funeral. Not satisfied with the way the police investigation is proceeding, Maggie goes on the lam to get justice for her dead brother. Her first stop is the hospital room of Maria, her brother's Mexican girlfriend, who was raped and had her eyes cut out by the same gang that killed Jeff, but Maria is in a coma and is not talking. Maggie then teams-up with boyfriend Kevin (William Butler; BLOODY MOVIE - 1987) and they start questioning street gang members, which leads to all sorts of trouble for the pair, including street fights and car chases. It soon becomes apparent that Maggie's stepfather, Jack (Tony Josephs), is responsible for Jeff's death and wants Maggie and her mother dead, too. But why? When someone dressed as a doctor enters Maria's hospital room and slits her throat, it would seem that Jack is trying to get rid of all evidence that points towards him. It turns out that good-old stepdad needs Maggie out of the way (he was responsible for her prison stay, too) so he can swipe money from her mother's bank account for a drug deal that could net him millions. He keeps Maggie's mom in a constant drugged-out stupor, while he tries to set-up Maggie for Maria and Kevin's murders. As the police try to capture Maggie (in some really bad chase sequences), she tries to find out the truth behind the killings, blowing away bad guys and being deceived by best friend Annalice (Michelle Bauer, appearing her as "Michelle McClelland"). Maggie finally discovers the truth (after using a flame-thrower on a bad guy), but will she be able to save her mother before it's too late? Eh, I really don't care one way or the other.  This is an anemic 80's actioner that contains some of the lamest, lazily staged action and fight sequences that I can recall. It should come as no surprise that this was directed/co-produced by David DeCoteau, the crown prince of lousy, no-budget genre films (DREAMANIAC - 1986; SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA - 1987; LEECHES - 2003). This is definitely one of the worst films of his early career, an amalgam of tired action clichés performed by a cast of no-talents (not counting William Butler or Michelle Bauer, who turn in the film's only decent performances). The film's main fault is that lead actress Peggy Sanders is so stupefyingly awful and is so skinny, even her nude scene made me cringe because I could count every rib in her body (Eat something, girl!). When she ties a red bandana around her forehead, dons an oversized pair of aviator sunglasses and wields an extremely huge pistol (which she can barely hold, nevermind aim), it elicits bouts of laughter rather than thrills. She may be the very reason why DeCoteau (who is gay) gave many of his later films a more homoerotic tone (lots of muscular young guys with their shirts and pants off). LADY AVENGER is an embarrassment for everyone involved and you'll find more action in a box of AlphaBits. If it weren't for Ms. Bauer's plentiful nude scenes, I would have turned this off after the first excruciating ten minutes. Also starring Jacolyn Leeman, Daniel Hirsch, Adam Englund, Rodger Burt, Mike Jacobs Jr., Steve Artiaga, Billy Frank and Jeff Brown. A Southgate Entertainment VHS Release. Not available on DVD. Rated R.

NEAR DEATH (2003) - Another ultra-low-budget loser from self-styled auteur Joe Castro, the same person responsible for such insufferable films as CEREMONY (1994), LEGEND OF THE CHUPACABRA (2000) and THE JACKHAMMER MASSACRE (2003). This films deals with the exploits of a trio of dunderheads led by parapsychologist June Rivera (Perrine Moore), as they investigate the legend of Willie Von Brahm (Carl Darchuck), a psychotic cult film director from the 40's who died under mysterious circumstances. June and her two assistants, Billy (Scott Lunsford) and bubble-headed actress Tammy (Ali Willingham), manage to find Von Brahm's coastal mansion and, thinking it's deserted, enter it, only to find it occupied by golden age actress Vena Marshwood (Darlene Tygrett), her manservant Heinrich (Marieno Savoie), butler Harlan (Brannon Gould) and Dr. Blanchard (Joseph Haggerty), who are all actually ageless flesh-eating ghouls that pay local hunk bartender Markie (Joseph Commesso) rare German gold coins to supply them with drunk bimbettes and fresh corpses to chow-down on. Both June and Billy immediately sense something is wrong (June is the spitting image of Maria De La Rosa, Von Brahm's servant, who had her heart cut out by Von Brahm when she spurned his sexual advances) and leave the mansion to stay in a hotel when the ghost of Von Brahm attacks them, but Tammy stupidly stays behind when she gets the hots for Harlan, who wants to turn her into a ghoul. To make an extremely long, boring story short, June and Billy discover what Markie is doing and Billy follows him to a coin store, where the coin dealer (Scott St. James) gives Billy some vital information about Von Brahm and the mansion. Meanwhile, June tries to stop Tammy from becoming a ghoul and becomes possessed by Maria, who wants June to "free my soul". Markie tries to steal a chest of gold coins from the mansion, only to become the latest meal for the ghouls. Now that the ghouls no longer have anyone to supply them with fresh meat (a boneheaded move on their part), they use Tammy (who now has tasted fresh flesh) to lure June and Billy back to the mansion, but our heroic duo brings a priest to the party to perform a séance to save Tammy and Maria's souls and to perform an exorcism to rid the mansion of Von Brahm's murderous spirit. June must find Maria's still-beating heart and join it with her corpse to end Von Brahm and the ghouls' reign of terror.  This Grade Z horror flick is full of cut-rate special effects (gore effects by director/producer Joe Castro), including some terrible CGI work that looks like it was created on a home computer. The acting is particularly amateur hour, especially lead actress Perrine Moore (who even screams in monotone) and Joseph Haggerty, whose idea of emoting is to scream every line loudly, like he was in a noisy crowd. The only funny thing about this film is how June, Billy and Tammy fail to notice that there is something immediately wrong with the occupants of Von Brahm's mansion, especially since the insides of all their mouths and the spaces between their teeth are coated with a slimy black substance. The illogical screenplay, by Daniel Benton, makes about as much sense as putting lipstick on a pig (unless you're into that sort of thing, you sick bastard!) and the dialogue is beyond comprehension. I love the way Harlan says to Tammy, "Why, why did you do this to me? I loved you, now I'm going to kill you!" and then Tammy just simply rips his face off, killing him (a bad combination of CGI and practical effects). There's not much I can recommend here, besides some cheap gore, cheaper acting and even cheaper CGI (Easy on the morphing effects next time, Joe). This isn't even bad enough to be entertaining. It's just bad. Also starring Carol Rose Carver and Billy Bicskei. A Trinity Home Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.

RAIDERS OF THE DAMNED (2005) - Have you ever watched those bad films made exclusively for the Sci-Fi Network (or "Syfy" as they are now known, thanks to some highly-paid committee that couldn't tell their assholes from their elbows)? You know the ones I am talking about; where some overgrown CGI monster attacks a cast of has-been and never-were actors? Well, compared to RAIDERS OF THE DAMNED, the worst of those flicks look like Kubrick and smell like freshly baked cinnamon buns in comparison. RAIDERS, on the other hand, looks like it was made in someone's backyard (and basement) using CGI done on a computer with a pauper's budget and stinks like an opened can of tuna left out in the noonday sun. After a helicopter is forced to crash (a laughable CGI creation that would make Fred Olen Ray cringe) by zombies wielding a catapult, bows, spears and tree branches, head scientist Lewis (a chain-smoking Richard Grieco, in what has to be his career low) hires Lt. Gina Kane (Laura Zoe Quist), military prisoner Captain Dewey (Gary Sirchia), female soldier Roxanne (Laurie Clemens) and hulking lab experiment Flex (J.C. Austin), to retrieve any survivors and important papers from the downed copter. The copter's occupants and papers are now under control of a zombified Colonel Crow (Thomas Martwick) who, along with assistant Treadway (Russell Reed), heads an army of zombies infected with Agent 9X, a biological agent unleashed by Lewis that accidentally (?) transformed the majority of the world's population into flesh-hungry zombies. To ensure that Capt. Dewey and Flex don't go AWOL on their mission, Lewis outfits them with explosive metal collars around their necks (how original!). The rest of the film is an extremely lousy mishmash of zombie attack scenes (they are not your normal mindless, shuffling zombies, as they are not above using Samurai swords to kill their prey and spoons to scoop-out the eyes!) and our heroic quartet trying to save the prisoners. The entire film is about as exciting as giving your infirmed grandmother a sponge bath.  This is the first film from director/producer Milko Davis and screenwriter Mike Ezell and, if there really is a God in Heaven, I pray it's their last. The film looks to have been shot on two sets; either a forest or a basement with cinderblock walls. Some scenes have no background at all, just shots of actors talking against pitch-black backdrops. "Name actor" Richard Grieco (CIRCUIT BREAKER - 1996; EVIL BREED: THE LEGEND OF SAMHAIN - 2003) looks like a heroin junkie waiting for his next fix, as all he does is sweat profusely, chain-smoke and speak his lines as if he were reading names out of the phone book. The least he could have done was wash his long, greasy, stringy hair. The entire production, including the gore and zombie make-ups, is strictly bottom-of-the-barrel (even the guns used here have CGI-created muzzle flashes because the paltry budget didn't allow for blanks!) and should only be viewed by those wishing to punish themselves for some past transgression they have committed. It better be a really huge transgression (like pulling a "Polanski"), because the suffering you are about to endure is monumental. Everyone else should just avoid this at all costs. Also starring Vic Alejandro, Elijah Murphy and Amanda Scheutzon. An Image Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated.

ALIEN 3000 (2004) - This sequel to director Jay Woelfel's UNSEEN EVIL (1999), filmed as UNSEEN EVIL 2 but then given this generic title, is absolutely awful (thankfully, Jay Woelfel, a director I admire, refused to have anything to do with this). So awful, in fact, that I'm going to dispense with my normal reviewing routine and just let rip with whatever enters my mind. First of all, it "stars" Lorenzo Lamas, whose career has fallen quicker than an aging hooker with one sharp tooth. Here's a clue as to where his career sits right now: He is appearing on a reality TV series with his ex-wife (!) and can only get work in films from those cheap bastards at The Asylum, appearing in their craptacular CGI opus MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS (2009). Secondly, Priscilla Barnes (TRAILER PARK OF TERROR - 2008), who gets second billing, spends the majority of her scant screen time chewing on a pencil, proving once again that there is, indeed, a curse involved in starring in THREE'S COMPANY. Think about it: John Ritter, Audra Lindley, Norman Fell and Don Knotts are dead; Joyce DeWitt disappeared off the face of the Earth; Suzanne Somers shilled for the ThighMaster and then battled cancer; Richard Kline, who played skirt-chasing Larry, is now teaching a course on acting in comedy at a county college in Edison, New Jersey (Yee-ouch!); and the less said about Jennilee Harrison, the better. Thirdly, the acting talent from the "non-star" cast, who are the real stars of the film (Lamas is in this for about ten minutes and Barnes is in this for five minutes, tops), is so maddenly crappy and unbelievable (especially Phoebe Dollar as "Phoebe" and Christopher Irwin as "Captain Scott McCool" [really?]) that I wanted to step through the TV screen and give them acting advice, like how to properly hold firearms and not to scream out every line they speak (Yes, I know I'm not an actor, but I play one when watching shit like this!). Lastly, the majority of the monster's screen time and about 50% of the makeup effects are achieved through CGI done so cheaply, you can see the zipper on the computer. Really, they are that obvious and shitty. None of this should come as any surprise once you discover that the producer is David Sterling, a man who squeezes a buck so tight, it turns into coins. Sterling also foisted such cinematic turds as HUMAN PREY (1995), CAMP BLOOD (1999) and the upcoming H1N1: VIRUS X (2010) upon us. Director Jeff Leroy also gave us HELL'S HIGHWAY (2002), CREEPIES (2003) and PSYCHON INVADERS (2006), all starring Phoebe Dollar, so don't expect reviews from me. There's not much to admire about ALIEN 3000 (what the hell does that title mean, anyway?), except for a few gory practical makeup effects (including a disembowelment and a couple of beheadings), a ridiculously cheesy monster outfit (it doesn't resemble the monster on the DVD cover at all) and a hilariously funny helicopter crash (an obviously radio-controlled model) that Lamas and co-star Corbin Timbrook (the director of the much better BLOOD RANCH [2005]) ditch in mid-air and survive! (It's so obvious that they are not sitting in a helicopter during this sequence that it becomes painful and funny at the same time. Painful for Lamas and Timbrook trying to pretend that they are and funny for the viewer to watch them both fail miserably). In short, I've had more fun discovering what I pick out of my belly button. Also starring Scott Schwartz (a porn actor by trade), Megan Malloy, David Kalamus, Shilo May, Matt Emery and John Fava. A Lionsgate Home Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.

RECOIL (2001) - This is one of those "films" (and I use that word very lightly) that those cheap bastards at Maverick Entertainment have dubbed "Urban Entertainment"; in other words, cheap shot-on-camcorder abominations that are made for black audiences by unknown black filmmakers and then stocked at the local supermarket for $4.99 a pop. Since they are shot on video (in this instance, it looks like it was shot with a store-bought camcorder, not even digital video), you know what to expect: washed-out colors with bad ghosting effects whenever the camera moves quickly (and in this odorous turd, the camera doesn't sit still for a second); tinny sound with a lot of background noise; and acting by a cast that looks like they were pulled off the streets and told, "speak street language that only black gangstas or wiggas can understand". RECOIL is a confusing sci-fi/actioner about high school student Eric "E-Man" Sanders (Theodore Borders), who has a unique problem: Whenever he gets angry or confused, something in his hand activates and someone ends up brutally murdered. It has something to do with a top-secret government experiment headed by Dr. James McDaniels (co-producer Wesley L. Hubbard), who has implanted a device in Eric's hand that makes him blackout and go on killing sprees. The local police are baffled and are aided by an FBI agent to try and solve the murders, while Eric and his white best friend, Webster (Robert Berson, who talks more jive than a black street hustler) try to figure out why Eric's hand throbs all the time. Eric also doesn't have the best family life. His father was murdered a few years ago and his older brother disappeared around the same time, so now he lives alone with his tight-assed mother (Lynndi Scott), who, in one example of child abuse, shuts off the electricity in Eric's room just as he's putting the finishing touches on a school report on his computer and he loses the whole report. Of course, his substitute teacher, Mr. Mendenhall (Terrence P.N. Smith), rides Eric hard for not turning in his report on time, so when a fight breaks out on the school's basketball court and Mr. Mendenhall ends up shot dead and Webster is shot in the arm, it looks like the bullets came from Eric's hand (shades of VIDEODROME - 1983; actually, it's more like a faint shadow). The FBI agent is aware of the device implanted in Eric's hand (the word "Frankenstein" is bandied about quite freely throughout the film) and he must find Eric before Black Ops agents sent by Dr. McDaniels can grab him and make him disappear for good, just like his brother years earlier.  If I have made this film sound the least bit interesting, I sincerely apologize. This is about as entertaining as watching Aunt Sally's home movies of her trip to the spoon museum, with the production values to match. Director/screenwriter/co-producer Wendell D, Hubbard (who, thankfully, hasn't made another feature...yet) hasn't a clue how to pace a film (it's awkwardly edited by co-producer Rene Besson) and since this is shot on video, it's hard to hide the cheapness of the entire affair; from the grainy, almost unwatchable, night scenes, moiré patterns whenever light shines through a window and the repeated use of sounds (such as canned, repetitive screams and gunshots) to cover-up lousy edits. Movies like this aren't made, they escape, and Hubbard's lack of talent shines through in every scene. Hubbard never explains what the device in Eric's hand is supposed to accomplish (Is it a new weapon to create a better soldier or some mad doctor's loony experiment? Your guess is as good as mine.) and the absurd finale (Was it all a dream? Is Mr. Mendenhall Eric's long-lost brother?) only adds to the confusion. Skip this and take a nap instead. Also starring Arthur L. Fuller (another co-producer), Mark Cooper, Sara Lewall, Brennan Dyson, Hawthorne Flaherty, Guy Garner and Darryl Van Leer. A Maverick Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated, but there is absolutely nothing here that anyone would find objectionable. No nudity, no gore and very little blood. A waste of videotape.

KILLZONE (1985) - Before co-founding Action International Pictures (the other A.I.P., after American International Pictures), director David A. Prior made a few genre films, including the awful SOV horror flick SLEDGEHAMMER (1984), the so-so horror/murder mystery KILLER WORKOUT (1986), the actioners DEADLY PREY and MANKILLERS (both 1987) and this one, Prior's first stab at a war action film. It's a stab in the dark. During the Vietnam War, a platoon of American soldiers are being held captive and tortured at a gook P.O.W. camp (the camp looks flimsy and barren, like it was thrown together in someone's backyard with sticks and chicken wire), where the VC interrogator (Daniel Kong) tries to get the soldiers, including Sgt. Mitchell (Ted Prior; DEADLY PREY - 1987) and Sgt. McKenna (Fritz Matthews; KILLER WORKOUT - 1986), to spill their guts about upcoming troop movements. When no one will talk, the interrogator shoots one of the soldiers in the head (offscreen) and American traitor Crawford (David James Campbell; EVIL ALTAR - 1988) has a gook soldier beat Sgt. McKenna with a bamboo pole and throw him in the "Box". All the other American soldiers know that, for some reason, McKenna is "not right in the head" and begin in-fighting with Mitchell for continually defending him. While in the box, McKenna has flashbacks to happier times with his wife and child and Mitchell keeps talking to him through the box to try and keep him sane. It doesn't work. McKenna sinks deeper and deeper into madness (Flashbacks reveal that Crawford may or may not be responsible for his wife's murder) and escapes from the P.O.W. camp, but we then learn that this whole "P.O.W." experience was just a training exercise and that the camp is actually on American soil. Too bad McKenna has gone totally bonkers and believes he is still in Vietnam. He begins killing people he perceives as the enemy and Crawford has no choice but to hunt him down and kill him before more innocent people are killed and he has to take responsibility for it all. Mitchell tries his hardest to find McKenna and make him realize that the entire exercise is a fake, while Crawford tries to cover his ass by tearing down the phony P.O.W. camp and forming a posse using the American P.O.W. soldiers. McKenna begins booby-trapping the American forest, putting the soldiers', as well as tourists and bootleggers', lives at stake. Who will stop him first: his friend Mitchell or the dastardly Crawford?  If film had an odor, KILLZONE would reek worse than the hairy armpits of an Italian dock worker during the month of August. It's not only badly acted by everyone involved (Ted Prior would improve slightly as the years progressed), but the action set pieces are so badly choreographed, a blind man could have done a better job. Director/co-screenwriter David A. Prior has made many stinkers in his career (NIGHT WARS - 1988; RAPID FIRE - 1989 and WHITE FURY - 1990 anyone?), along with an occasional entertaining one (FUTURE FORCE - 1989; THE LOST PLATOON - 1989), but KILLZONE is that rare example where absolutely nothing works. It will put you to sleep faster than a double dose of Ambien. Avoid it al all costs unless you are a glutton for punishment or are just too retarded to understand a word I have written. Also starring Rick Massery (Also the Acting Coach. For shame, for shame), William Zipp, Jack Marino (also the Producer and co-screenwriter), Richard Brailford, Charles Venniro and Larry Udy. A Vestron Video VHS Release. Not available on DVD. Not Rated.

EVIL IN THE WOODS (1986) - Proof positive that any amateur production can get a home video release. After a long opening credits sequence (where over 25 "actors" are listed), we are introduced to precocious pre-teen Billy (who at one point has to stop dead in his tracks to avoid walking directly into the camera!) as he goes into a library and checks-out a book titled "Evil In The Woods". After being questioned about the Dewey Decimal System by the prim and proper librarian (who wears a pair of oversized eyeglasses with red frames), Billy is able to take the book home, but not after being told by the librarian that the book is due back Friday...the 13th! Billy takes to book to his bedroom, which is decorated with an Iron Maiden poster (really?), lots of action figures (including C3PO, the Frankenstein Monster and the Mummy) and something really angry trapped in his closet that it is nearly rattling the door off its hinges. Billy ignores the thing in the closet, eats some milk and cookies and begins reading the book. The story takes place "Somewhere near Mildew, Georgia 1956", where a greaser is attacked in his car by something unknown. The story then shifts to the present, to nearby Atlanta, where a movie, "Bigfoot Vs. The Space Killers", is being filmed. Business executive Sam takes his mistress Angel to the lake for the weekend of "fun" (i.e. Sex. Should a little boy even be reading this story?). The cast and crew of the film gather-up all their equipment and move the production to a location in the middle of the woods, near the town of Mildew (They pass the greaser's corpse and his car from way back in 1956, which brings up a whole lotta unanswered questions by the audience, the main one being: Why hasn't anyone spotted this before?). As The filmmakers try to get a shot in the can, where a man in a shabby Bigfoot suit kills Sam and chases Angel, a little boy, also named Billy, who is camping in the woods with his mother and father, is kidnapped by the Pierson clan, a family of inbred cannibals. The Sheriff of Mildew recommends that the parents contact a witch named Ida if they want to get their son back, so he gives them a map to her house which is also in the middle of the woods. Ida serves the parents tea (out of a mason jar, the wine glasses of the Deep South) and tells them to come back at dawn, unaware that little Billy is in pieces in Ida's refrigerator! To make an extremely long and boring story mercifully short, more and more members of the film crew are captured by the Pierson clan (one of its members wears a life jacket around his neck) and eaten or kept in cages, while Ida hopes to kill the rest of the film crew using a magic spell, that turns the cannibal clan into a bunch of paper mache monsters. And what about Billy, the book and the thing in the closet? Let's just say Billy has a surprise for his parents when they come home.  Awful, simply awful. One-shot wonder director/producer/screenwriter William J. Oates hasn't got a clue on what makes a film watchable, as EVIL IN THE WOODS is a complete incoherent mess full of jumpy edits, bad sound recording, wildly out-of-place music, HEE-HAW-style narration; title cards that serve no other purpose than to hide the fact that director Oates forgot to shoot footage to bridge scenes; acting that can best be described as desperate; barebones sets (the same wood paneled wall is used for at least three different sets); and makeup effects that are so low rent, they make any early H.G. Lewis film look absolutely polished in comparison. This film seems to have a cult following, probably due to word-of-mouth (most likely from people with even less teeth than brains), but I'm sure if those people actually saw the damned thing, their opinions would change in a millisecond. The film screams "amateur hour" and contains gay jokes, a splash of blood and gore here and there, drug use, no nudity, 80's style big hair; and professes to show what goes on behind the scenes of a low-budget horror film, but I doubt Mr. Oates has ever been on the set of a film before making this turd, and it shows. Boring with a capital PU. Don't bother. Starring Stephanie Kaskel, Schelli Marie Barbaro, Brian Abent, Browder Denniston, Kerry Minton and twenty other people (including two midgets) that you will never see again (many of them serving double duty in various positions behind the camera). A Fantasy Factory Film that was released on VHS by Cinevest, Inc. Not available on DVD. Not Rated.