ACTION
ALMOST
HUMAN (1974) -
Movie posters tried to pass this off as a monster film to an
unsuspecting public
upon its' initial U.S. release in 1979 due to the success of ALIEN.
Actually it is a fairly engrossing crime caper from Umberto Lenzi,
the director of MAKE
THEM DIE SLOWLY
(1981; a.k.a. CANNIBAL FEROX)
and CITY
OF THE WALKING DEAD
(1980). Guilio Sacchi (Tomas Milian) is a monster of the human kind,
a petty criminal who decides to graduate to the big time by
kidnapping the daughter of a wealthy Italian businessman. (The
original title of this film was THE
KIDNAP OF MARY LOU in
the United States.) Guilio shows no emotion as he blows away anyone
who gets in his way, friends included. One particular scene stands
out: During the kidnap, Mary Lou (Laura Belli) escapes to a house
where a small
party is going on. Guilio and his cohorts crash the party and force
the guests (men included) to perform oral sex on them. The guests are
then tied up and hung from the ceiling as they watch in horror as
Guilio blows away the homeowner's 4 year old son. Guilio then turns
his machine gun on them, slaughtering the helpless victims. Walter
Grandi (Henry Silva), the police chief assigned to the case, follows
the trail of bodies left in Guilio's wake. Guilio may be demented,
but he is no fool. He never leaves any witnesses to convict him, and
when he collects the ransom, he kills Mary Lou and his cohorts. When
Grandi finally catches him, Guilio is released for lack of evidence.
Grandi, in desperation, decides to take the law in his own hands. As
in real life, there are no happy endings here. This violent,
mean-spirited actioner could have only been made by the Italians. It
is well made (though badly dubbed) and ugly to look at. It's chock
full of nudity and bullet hits. Good fodder for fans of the genre. I
saw this around the same time THE
GODFATHER PART III
(1990) was released on video, and while ALMOST
HUMAN
(a.k.a. THE
EXECUTIONER
and THE DEATH DEALER)
lacks the former's budget, I found it more riveting. Also starring
Gino Santercole, Mario Piave, Luciano Catenacci, Rosita Torosh,
Franco Ferrari, Ray Lovelock, Tom Fellaghy and Anita Strindberg. A Prism
Entertainment VHS Release. Available on DVD
all around the world, including an English-friendly version from
NoShame Films. Also available on Blu-Ray
from Code Red. Rated
R.
AMERICAN
COMMANDOS (1984)
- A Filipino action film starring Christopher Mitchum (FINAL
SCORE - 1987) and directed by the late Bobby A. Suarez (ONE
ARMED EXECUTIONER - 1980)? I'm so there! When Dean Mitchell
(Mitchum), a former Green Beret, is attacked in his store by
drugged-out street gang, he shoots one of the gang members when he
tries to run over Mitchell with his car. In retaliation, the gang
invades Mitchell's house and rape his wife and kill his young son.
Mitchell, upon returning home and finding his son dead and his wife
bloody and bruised, calls the police (He says to the 911 operator,
"They've killed my son and raped my wife and you want my phone
number?"), not knowing that while he is on the phone his wife is
in the bathroom slitting her throat with a straight razor. Mitchell
goes on the
warpath and begins to systematically hunting down and murdering all
the members of the street gang (He even finds time to have a
flashback, where he adopts a Filippino baby and marries the woman
handling the adoption, which turn out to be his dead son and wife!).
He eventually gets caught by the police, but an Interpol agent named
Brady (Ken Metcalfe, who also co-wrote the screenplay) steps in and
offers Mitchell a deal: Reform his old Special Forces squad and wipe
out the Golden Triangle drug cartel (who are responsible for
supplying the majority of heroin to the world) and his record will be
wiped clean. Mitchell agrees and begins talking to all his former
squad members, including Kelly (John Phillip Law), Creeper (Willie
Williams) and Brutus (Robert Marius). The one former member Mitchell
can't get to rejoin is Somsak (Franco Guerrero of ONE ARMED EXECUTIONER)
and it becomes very clear to the audience why: He is the kingpin of
the Golden Triangle. Somsak tries (unsuccessfully) on several
occasions to stop the assault from ever happening, but once the final
attack does happen, Somsak has one final ace up his sleeve. One of
Mitchell's squad members is on Somsak's payroll. It's a long and
bloody ride. This is great, mindless fun from beginning to end,
with plenty of bloody action and "What the fuck?" moments.
I'm still reeling from the adoption/marriage proposal flashback by
Mitchell (which seems way out of place in a film like this). Mitchell
also has a habit of saying, "There's noting we can do for them
now. We've got to keep moving!" after losing members of his
squad. I'm especially fond of the warbus Mitchell and his men (and
scantilly-clad women) created. It looks like one of those short buses
retarded kids take to school, tricked-out with steel armor and hidden
rocket launchers and machine guns. One scene shows Mitchum on a
custom motorcycle (which fits neatly in the warbus) destroying a
section of road behind them with rockets, forcing an enemy truck that
is following them to fall down a ravine and explode in a ball of fire
(note the one stuntman on the right falling down the ravine and tell
me he didn't end up seriously hurt!). A mistake in the mastering of
the tape repeats an entire reel of footage (where the scantilly-clad
women get machine-gunned while working on the warbus), which adds
five extra minutes to the running time. No matter, though. You'll be
too engrossed in the insane action, plentiful shootouts and bloody
deaths. There's also lots of female nudity in AMERICAN
COMMANDOS to keep your eyes busy, too. What more could you
possibly ask for? Both Christopher Mitchum and John Phillip Law are
stiff as boards acting-wise, but they more than acquit themselves
when they are beating the snot out of or gunning down the rest of the
cast (including Franco Guerrero, who wears a striking white nehru
jacket throughout most of the film). Bobby A. Suarez is fast becoming
one of my favorite directors to come out of the Philippines.
Originally known as HIT MAN.
Also starring Don Gordon Bell, David Brass, Kristine Erlandson and
Nigel Hogge. A Lightning
Video VHS Release, followed by a budget EP-Mode VHS from Avid
Entertainment. Still awaiting a DVD release, but don't hold your
breath. Filipino action flicks are a very small niche market, which
is a crying shame. Rated R.
ANGELFIST
(1992) -
Champion martial artist Kristie Lang (Sibel Birzag) catches the
murder of an American soldier in Manila with her camera and calls the
American Embassy to report what she saw. Before she can hand over the
film to Embassy representative Victor Winslow (Joseph Zucchero), she
is viciously slashed and stabbed to death by the same black-garbed
people who murdered the American soldier. Luckily, she passed the
film to a cabbie before she was killed, telling him to give it to a
stripper friend of hers named Sulu. Kirstie's sister, L.A. cop Kat
Lang (Cat Sassoon, who has the fattest lips this side of a spousal
abuse victim), travels to Manila to investigate her sister's death,
but it's strictly off the books. After losing her luggage and money
immediately after setting foot in Manila (this film is not an
endorsement for tourism), Kat meets con man Alcatraz (Michael Shaner; BLOODFIST
- 1989), who knew Kristie and offers to help Kat find her murderer
(he has ulterior motives, though, like getting into Kat's tight
pants). He convinces Kat to take her sister's place in the upcoming
big martial arts tournament, so
he hooks her up with Kristie's trainer, Bayani (Roland Dantes), and
tournament promoter Mr. Carrion (Tony Carrion), who's not quite what
he seems to be. As Kat begins rising through the tournament ranks
(and making Alcatraz a hefty sum on side bets), she slowly makes
friends with fellow tournament fighter Lorda (Melissa Moore; ONE
MAN ARMY - 1993), while Alcatraz gets closer to finding
Kirstie's stripper friend Sulu. Kat discovers Kristie and Lorda were
working undercover with the FBI to find out the identities of members
of the Black Brigade, a militant group that wants to destroy the
relationship between America and the Philippines. Kat gets into deep
trouble when Lorda is kidnapped by the Black Brigade and they put
Kat, along with visiting American Ambassador Franklin (Ken Metcalfe),
at the top of their hit list. When Victor Winslow blackmails Alcatraz
to keep Kat off the trail of the Black Brigade, Alcatraz finally gets
to bed Kat and decides that she's too good to deceive. He finds Sulu,
recovers the film and brings the proof to the American Embassy. Lorda
escapes her captors, helps Kat save Ambassador Franklin's life and
brings down the Black Brigade. The Philippines is safe once again for
Americans, but please use caution when drinking the water. This
is director/producer Cirio H. Santiago's third time to the well
telling the same story, starting with TNT JACKSON
in 1975 and FIRECRACKER
in 1981. The problem here is, Cat Sassoon (DANCE
WITH DEATH - 1991) is a terrible actress, although she has
the best tits money can buy, not to mention plenty of nude scenes,
including a topless fight in a bedroom that copies both TNT
and FIRECRACKER. Cat, who was the daughter of hair care
specialist Vidal Sassoon and sister of director Oley Sassoon (BLOODFIST
III: FORCED TO FIGHT - 1993), died at age 32 of a heart
attack (drugs were suspected but never confirmed) while attending a
New Year's party to ring in 2002. ANGELFIST
is not a very good film (the martial arts fights are clunky and
badly-staged), but Santiago offers a ton of nudity (both Sassoon and
Melissa Moore disrobe as much as possible and there are more communal
shower scenes here than in most WIP films) and some truly demented
sequences, such as when Black Brigade leader Cirio Quirino (Santiago
regular Henry Strzalkowski) tortures Lorda in an icehouse by
stripping off her blouse and pressing her naked breasts on a block of
ice! This short, 80-minute film is light on blood and gore (just a
few stabbings in the beginning), has no gunfights and nothing
explodes. One gets the feeling that Santiago was on cruise control
here and was taking a break from his usual shoot-em-up actioners, but
the sad fact was that Santiago would go on to direct a few of these
modern-day martial arts flicks and would not go back to his mindless
gunplay flicks. Too bad, because he was quite good at 'em. This is a
lesser, latter-day entry from Santiago that can be avoided unless you
like lots of nudity (Sassoon is well-oiled in all her full-frontal
shots) and the sight of lips that can best be described as
"distracting". Also starring Denise Buick, Jessica Roberts,
Christina Portugal, Jim Moss, Bob Larson, Sheila Lintan, Ramon
D'Salva and Ronald Asinas. Available on VHS and (fullscreen) DVD from
New Horizons Home Video. Rated R.
ANGEL'S
BRIGADE (1978) - A CHARLIE'S
ANGELS rip-off with Jack Palance as the villian, cheezy
disco songs, dancing, women in skimpy outfits and a guest star roster
that includes Peter Lawford, Jim Backus, Alan Hale, Neville Brand,
Pat Buttram and Arthur Godfrey as himself? How can you possibly go
wrong? With Greydon Clark directing, producing and co-scripting (with
Alvin L. Fast), it's quite easy, actually. When Las Vegas lounge
singer Michelle Wilson (Susan Kiger) learrn from her manager, Manny
(Hale), that her younger brother Bobby was beaten-up and hospitalized
trying to steal drugs from kingpin Mike Farrell (Palance), she and
friend April (Jacqulin Cole) form a squad of all-female vigilantes to
destroy Farrell and his drug business. Each woman is an expert in
their field. Terry Grant (Sylvia Anderson) is a black movie
stuntwoman and expert driver. Kako Umaro (Lieu Chinh) is a black belt
martial artist. Maria (Noela Velasco) is a beautiful model, whose
looks will be used as a distraction to the bad guys. Elaine Brenner
(Robin Greer) is a policewoman, who is secretly working with her
boss, Captain Miller (Brand), to infiltrate the women's group and use
the information to bust Farrell before the women get him. After
stealing a van from a horny used car dealer (Buttram) and tricking it
out with rocket launchers and other goodies, the women then steal a
shitload of guns and ammunition from an even hornier gunrunner
(Backus) and his comical crew of nimcompoops (one who looks and acts
like Oliver
Hardy!). The ladies kidnap Farrell's #1 street dealer, Sticks (Darby
Hinton), and hang him upside down while Kako beats him about the
nutsac with a metal pipe until he gives up the location of the latest
drug drop. They steal the drugs and Elaine and the girls bring it to
Captain Miller who, at first, is pissed at Elaine for spilling the
beans to the girls, but soon sees the advantages of having non-police
personnel doing his dirty work for him. The girls attack and destroy
Farrell's drug processing plant but, in the fracas, Farrell kidnaps
April and brings her to his boss, Mr. Burke's (Lawford) house, where
they torture her in his swimming pool. The girls rescue her in the
nick of time in a hail of bullets, some swordplay and a motorcycle
stunt. Farrell is attacked and killed by a pack of dogs (!) and Burke
is shot and drowns in his own pool. Hooray for women power! The
main problem with this film is that it's played like a broad comedy,
but it's not funny at all. Director Greydon Clark (THE
BAD BUNCH - 1976; THE
RETURN - 1980; DARK
FUTURE - 1994) also forgot what makes an exploitation film
exploitable: Namely, nudity, bloody violence and action.
Unfortunately, ANGEL'S BRIGADE
(Shouldn't it be ANGELS'
BRIGADE
since there's no one named "Angel" in this film? Oh, well,
I'm nitpicking.) contains none of those, as it is a PG-rated
family-friendly mess. Whenever someone is punched or hit over the
head, cartoon sound effects are heard, like birds chirping or a
"boiiinggg!" sound. This is the type of film where instead
of killing Sticks after beating the info out of him, the girls set
him free after he promises to go straight! Nevermind that he hooked
Michelle's young brother on drugs or is known as the city's biggest
street pusher, the girls take him at his word and send him on his
way. In all fairness, he dies a short time later when he falls off a
tenement roof trying to escape from Farrell. The music soundtrack is
a second-rate knock-off of the CHARLIE'S ANGELS theme and the
action scenes look like they were filmed on the first take, as they
have that rough, badly-staged feel. Some of the women look very
uncomfortable holding and firing weapons (it's apparent Clark just
handed them weapons and yelled out "Fire!" without any
practice beforehand) and, while there are some decent stunts and
explosions during the attack on the processing plant, it all looks
rather rushed. The film does have some camp value thanks to the
eclectic cast of has-beens and fringe stars, but both Jack Palance
and Peter Lawford look like they would rather be any place besides
here. The women do look good in bikinis and tight fitting jumpsuits,
but when we watch films like this, we want to see what's underneath
those outfits. ANGEL'S BRIGADE is nothing but an inoffensive
theatrical film that could play on TV with no edits. What's the
point? Also starring Liza Greer as Trish, the underage would-be
member of the female gang who saves all their lives in the finale.
Director Clark cameos as a (what else?) movie director and Arthur
Godfrey cameos as himself, who the audience at Michelle's Vegas act
treat like the second coming of Elvis Presley. Also starring Ken
Minyard, Ralph Harris and Cody Palance, Jack's son, who died in 1998
at age 42 of cancer. Originally released on VHS by Lightning
Video and then by Warner Home Video. It was given the MYSTERY
SCIENCE THEATER 3000 treatment (under the title ANGELS REVENGE)
from Rhino Video on VHS &
DVD. Also available on an anamorphic
widescreen DVD from Scorpion
Releasing with the original film and the ten-minute longer
anamorphic widescreen SEVEN FROM HEAVEN cut, which, until now,
has never been seen on home video. Rated PG.
THE
ANNIHILATORS (1985) -
This is one of those action films where a Vietnam vet comes home only
to find out his home town is being terrorized by (choose one or
mix-and-match): 1) A Street Gang; 2) A Motorcycle Gang; 3) Organized
Crime; 4) Drug Dealers. Joe Nace (Dennis Redfield) returns from the
war in a wheelchair and works at his father's grocery store. A
vicious street gang, led by Roy Boy (Paul Koslo), comes into the
store demanding protection money and, when Joe refuses, they kill a
female customer with a knife to her stomach (after ripping her blouse
off) and beat Joe over the head repeatedly with a meat hammer,
tenderizing his skull and killing him. Joe's squad leader, Bill (Christopher
Stone), comes for the funeral and stays after hearing the pleas of
help from Joe's father (Sid Conrad). After calling Popeye, his
mysterious and unseen superior, Bill gets his old squad together to
teach the townspeople how to defend themselves and to kick some gang
ass. Everything goes well at first, as the townspeople begin fighting
back and reclaim their town. Lt. Hawkins (Jim Antonio) is not too
pleased that the squad is in his town practicing vigilante justice,
but the police commishioner (Bruce Taylor) is pleased with the
results and tells Hawkins to lay off. During a shootout in the middle
of town, one of the squad members, Ray (Gerrit Graham), is shot in
the back protecting a small child and is killed. Bill discovers that
the gang is merely a front for a bigger drug running operation and,
when the squad intercepts one of the drug shipments, the shit hits
the fan. The shipment turns out to be millions of dollars worth of
heroin and Roy Boy (armed with a flame thrower) calls in backup of
his own and holds the entire town hostage until he gets his drugs
back. Bill, Garrett (Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs) and Woody (Andy Wood),
along with the entire town, band together to fight the gang. Things
go bad when Roy Boy hijacks a schoolbus full of kids. In a surprising
turn of events, the kids disarm the hijackers (one kid jams a pencil
into one of the gang member's neck) and Bill has a final fight with
Roy Boy on the roof of a building. It is then we learn the identity
of the mysterious Popeye and how he was secretly helping the squad
all along. This is standard 80's action fare elevated slightly by a
few well-executed setpieces and some extreme bits of violence.
Director Charles E. Sellier Jr. (SILENT
NIGHT DEADLY
NIGHT - 1984) offers plenty of explosions, gunfights,
stabbings, impalements, fistfights and other violence to keep your
mind off the one dimensional characters and generic plot. Paul Koslo,
a genre vet who excels at playing bad guys (MANIAC!
- 1977; ROBOT JOX - 1990) is
wasted here, as all he does is bark orders and fire weapons. He does
have the best line in the film, though, when he says to Bill,
"All this for a shitty little cripple?" before falling to
his death on the roof of a burning car. The late Christopher Stone (THE
HOWLING - 1980; CUJO -
1983) is likewise given the thankless task of spitting out orders or
firing a gun. The only actor who registers is Andy Wood as Woody, the
alcoholic squad member who finds redemption, sobriety and love in
this little town. Consider THE ANNIHILATORS
(also known as ACTION FORCE)
brain-dead action fare for those with short attention spans. Also
starring Millie Fisher, Bruce Evers and Tom Harper. A New
World Video Release. Rated R.
APOCALYPSE
MERCENARIES (1987) -
Cheapjack Italian World War II actioner that is marred by frequently
"borrowing" footage from other war films. It is so obvious
(it's easy to spot the difference in film stock between the old and
new footage), that it takes the viewer completely out of the film,
not that there's much to the film that is interesting in any way. As
a matter of fact, this may be the most uninteresting war film to ever
come out of Italy.
A snotty, snide U.S. General (Paul Muller; NIGHTMARE
CASTLE - 1965), who operates under the code name "Red
Fox" ("You hear that Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you,
honey!" Okay, bad joke, but it's better than anything in this
film!) puts Captain Tony Hale (Vassili Karis; GAILLO
IN VENICE - 1979), a.k.a. "Mister", in charge of a
mission to locate and eliminate the Nazi Command Headquarters
directing the offensive against the Yugoslav Liberation Army,
operating out of a limestone cave located somewhere in the area
around the border between Bosnia and Herzegovina. But first, Mister
must collect the four men who will make up his new squad: Felipe
Hierro (Bruno Bilotto, better known as "Karl Landgren"; URBAN
WARRIORS - 1987), simply known as "Hierro", a
combat veteran who will be the brawn of the squad; Abraham Bridges
(Maurice Poli; FIVE
DOLLS FOR AN AUGUST MOON - 1970), codename "Priest",
an explosives expert whose former occupation was, you guessed it, a
man of the cloth; Mikhail Hertz (Peter Hintz; CROSS
MISSION - 1987), a.k.a. "Doctor", a combat surgeon
who can speak and understand
German; and Liam O'Connell (Thomas Rauser; IT'S
HAPPENING TOMORROW - 1988), codename "Flyer", a
radioman/pilot who can fix any plane and make it airworthy.
Mister collects all his men (introducing us to their
"special" talents in the process), as well as saving nurse
Mirka (Marinella Magri, as "Marlee Foster, in her only
film) from certain death by an approaching German garrison, making
her the sixth member of the ragtag squad. On their way to the
limestone cave, the squad meets Dragomir (Tino Castaldi; THE
MINES OF KILIMANJARO - 1986), the leader of the Yugoslav
Liberation Army. Dragomir and his flock need precious supplies to
succeed in their mission, so Mister and his squad blow up a train
full of German soldier and destroy a German airfield, so supplies can
be dropped by plane without any interference (both the train
explosion and the airfield massacre are footage from other films).
During the airfield destruction, Doctor is shot in the stomach by a
German soldier and Mirka says she cannot remove the bullet because it
is lodged too deep in him, he needs to be taken to a hospital
immediately. Doctor says no, he is needed for this mission to succeed
and it will take a couple of days for sepsis to set in, killing him,
so they better get to the cave in less than two days (You'll hear
such classic dialogue as: Mister: "Don't die on me
now!" Doctor: "Who's dying? There'll be plenty of
time for that later!").
Long story short, the squad make it to the limestone cave and Doctor
dies after making one final radio message in German to throws off the
advancing Nazi troops from discovering what the squad is doing. Flyer
is shot and killed protecting his squad from German soldiers in the
cave. Priest is shot in the back by a female Nazi soldier, but he
lives long enough to blow-up the Nazi Command Headquarters inside the
cave. Survivor Hierro joins Mirka on her quest to join her Yugoslav
Liberation Army cohorts to make Yugoslavia Nazi-free, leaving Mister
alone to report back to the wise-ass U.S. General, who acts worse
than a ten-year old having a fit of rage.
Not only is this film cheap beyond belief, it is also horrendously
acted, not helped by the people who dubbed it into English, including
Edward Mannix and Ted Rusoff, two of the greats in the dubbing field,
who were probably more bored than I was watching this no-budget mess
and put zero effort in dubbing their characters. Especially
flabbergasting is Paul Muller (LADY
FRANKENSTEIN - 1971) as the General who created this squad
and gives them their mission. Whenever Mister radios-in to tell the
General their progress, he belittles the squad, calling them "fat
heads" and other put-downs. If I were a member of the
squad, I would save a bullet in my pistol and the next time I saw him
I would put that bullet right between his eyes. But the General is
not the only problematic character in the film. Check out Priest's
response when he watches the train explode. It looks like he is
having a spastic fit, quite unbecoming from a former man of the
cloth. And don't get me started on Mirka, either. She begins the film
as a frightened nurse, but at the end of the film, she's a
full-fledged freedom fighter, deadly with both her hands and her body
and even deadlier with a machinegun, all within the span of two days!
There's not one thing in this film that is remotely interesting and
that is because director/screenwriter "John J. Dawson" is
actually Leandro Lucchetti, the man who also gave us the execrable BLOODY
PSYCHO (1989) and CAGED WOMEN
(1991). It is highly obvious he put no effort into this film, as 85%
of the action scenes are footage from other films and all the actors
do is "react" to something they aren't even seeing. The
fight in the cave at the film's finale seems to be the only original
action footage in the film and it is nothing to write home about.
When people are shot, there are precious few bloody bullet squibs, as
the majority of gunshot victims grab their chest and fall to the
ground. Even the music score, by the late Stelvio Cipriani (who I
happen to admire), sounds like warmed-over themes from better war
action films. I have seen my share of lousy Italian war actioners,
but this one sits on the lower rung of the ladder for this genre.
It's not even worth an unintentional laugh, so why bother? I have to
watch these things, but you don't have to, so heed my warnings and
watch something else.
Shot as MERCENARI
DELL'APOCALISSE (a literal translation of the review title),
this film never had a theatrical or home video release in any
physical format in the United States (and rightfully so), making its
first appearance here streaming on Amazon Prime (I also saw it
on the streaming Roku channel B-Movie TV), who offer a rather soft
anamorphic widescreen print dubbed in English. It is also available
on DVD-R from various Internet gray-market sellers if you must watch
it or if you are a genre completist. Also featuring David Maunsell (THE
GREEN INFERNO - 1988), Brigitte Christensen (BLOOD
DELIRIUM - 1988) and Marco Di Stefano (TOUCH
OF DEATH - 1990). Not Rated and not worth it.
BATTLE
RATS (1989) -
When a platoon of American soldiers are ambushed on the side of the
road by a group of young Vietnamese school children (one little tot
threatens the soldiers with a hand grenade!), Captain Rosenblatt
(Corwyn Paul Sperry) orders his men to slaughter an entire village of
Vietnamese men, women and children when they do not tell him the
whereabouts of the person in charge of the ambush, who disappeared in
the maze of underground tunnels located underneath the jungle.
Rosenblatt trains a squad of soldiers to become "tunnel
rats", a special force designed to crawl through the tunnels and
kill the enemy. In charge of the squad is Sgt. Bruce Burns (Jack
Gilbert) and it is his duty to lead his men into the tunnels and
capture or kill Commander Von Dram (Louie Katana), who is responsible
for most of the ambushes
in the area. After a short period of time, where we are introduced
to the members of the squad (which also includes a prerequisite bar
fight just before shipping off), our tunnel rats get down to
business. They enter the first tunnel, where they are attacked by
snakes, dismantle some wired boobytraps, are attacked by bats and one
squad member is captured and tortured by Von Dram (The soldier says
to him, "Fuck you, you slimy goddamned stinking gook!",
just before Von Dram pokes his eyes out with his fingers!). Sgt.
Burns begins a love affair with VC girl Nama (Mylene Nocum), not
knowing that she is a spy for Von Dram. The tunnel rats then raid
another village and find another tunnel, which results in the death
of some members due to spiked boobytraps, a snake pit and VC ambushes
(the rest of the squad members get Purple Hearts, even though they
weren't injured!). Sgt. Burns stupidly tells his new gook girlfriend
that he and his men will be raiding another tunnel in the morning,
so, you guessed it, Von Dram and his men are waiting in ambush.
Captain Rosenblatt shoots Von Dram multiple times at close range
(while comically repeating, "Fuck you, old man!" over and
over), but Von Dram is wearing a bulletproof vest and stabs the
Captain several times. Sgt. Burns and his skeleton crew must then
blow up the tunnel (it's the VC's main communications base) before
they are killed and Von Dram escapes. While the acting in BATTLE RATS
is some of the worst and stiffest I have seen in recent memory (I was
howling with laughter throughout the entire film), the violence is so
over-the-top, it makes watching this almost seem like you are having
a fever dream. This Philippines-lensed action film, directed by
Benjamin Bridges (using his "Briggs Benjamin Sr."
pseudonym), is full of so much bloody imagery, the acting can be
forgiven. People (including women and children) are shot in the head,
stabbed, impaled or blown apart. The eye-gouging scene is (pardon the
pun) an eye-opener as are most of the tunnel scenes where the VC
pop-out of their hidden trap doors in the floors, walls and ceilings
and silently slice up the cast with their knives. The subplot
involving Sgt. Burns falling in love with Nama is the only real
negative part of the film, as the action stops dead in it's tracks
while these two non-actors try to convince us they are in love. They
fail miserably. The finale, which finds Sgt. Burns facing Nama and
Von Dram in the tunnels is one of the most pathetic pieces of acting
you will ever see. It is only saved when he happens upon Captain
Rosenblatt, who is hanging by his arms with his eyes dangling out of
their sockets, as he pleads over and over to Burns, "Shoot
me!" (which he finally does). But hey, the bodycount is high,
the deaths bloody and the action fast-paced. What more could you
want? When it comes to Grade B action films, nothing comes close to
the ones made in the Philippines and Indonesia. Why? Because there
are no rules or taboos that they aren't willing to break. Also
starring Tony Lao, Paul John, Albert Dominguez, David Giberson, Eric
Hann and Chris Castilleios. Never legally available on home video in
the U.S., the print I viewed came from a surprisingly good dub of a Greek-subtitled
VHS ripped to DVD-R. Not Rated.
BEHIND
ENEMY LINES (1987) -
Lieutenant Johnny Ransom (Robert Patrick; THE
MARINE - 2006) leads his squad of soldiers deep into enemy
territory during the Vietnam War. Their mission: To find American
POWs and bring them back alive. After capturing a gook soldier and
"questioning" him (by sticking a live grenade in his
mouth), they head to an enemy camp where four American POWs are being
held. It turns out to be a trap, as Lt. Ransom and his men are
outgunned, overpowered and forced to surrender. The head of the camp,
Tran Van Minh (scripter Joe Mari Avellana), and Russian advisor
Dimitri (Robert Dryer; SAVAGE
STREETS - 1984), then shoot the four American POWs
point-blank in front of Ransom and his men. After a short sequence
where everyone but Ransom, Jacobs (William Steis) and Keller (Morgan
Douglas) are tortured and killed, Ransom escapse, leaving Jacobs and
Keller behind. When Ransom gets back to base camp, he finds out that
the Paris Accord has been signed, effectively ending the war. Ransom
and fellow soldier Sam (Rey Malanzo; CLASSIFIED
OPERATION - 1985) grab
some soldiers, hop in a helicopter and assault the enemy camp,
rescuing Jacobs and Keller and killing Tran Van Minh. Dimitri gets
away and Ransom is seriously injured and is sent to a military
hospital in Thailand, where he is tended to by old flame Terry
(Barbara Hooper). Meanwhile, Sam is assigned to escort an important
enemy General back to base camp. The General has switched sides and
is willing to turn over a secret codebook to the Americans that
contains the names of American double agents. Dimitri has other
plans, though, and ambushes Sam's squad, taking Sam and the General
prisoner and killing everyone else. After getting a little nookie
from Terry, Lt. Ransom heads out to rescue Sam and the General, aided
by Captain Dupre (Lydie Denier) and her squad of French resistance
fighters, as well as Jacobs and Keller, who have a score to settle
with Dimitri. They all manage to save the General and kill Dimitri
(unfortunately, Sam is long-dead, hanging upside down from a tree and
being eaten by rats). Keller even finds the time to romance Capt.
Dupre, but when Ransom gets back to headquarters and the codebook is
deciphered, he discovers that someone close to him is a traitor,
which forces him to seek justice through the barrel of a gun. I
didn't see that coming. This is the second of Filipino director
Cirio H. Santiago's Vietnam War action flicks that he made in the
80's. Robert Patrick reprises the same role he portrayed in
Santiago's first Nam film, EYE
OF THE EAGLE (1987), only this time it's a starring role
rather than a secondary character, as he was in EYE. Patrick,
who got his start in other Santiago-directed films like EQUALIZER
2000 and FUTURE
HUNTERS (both 1986), still comes off as too over-animated,
yelling out his lines rather than speaking them. It would take him a
few more years to find his acting groove (his breakout role in TERMINATOR
2 [1991] was basically a non-speaking role) and he would
also make his mark on TV in such series as THE
X-FILES [1993 - 2002] and THE
UNIT [2006 - 2009]. Santiago offers his usual cornucopia of
action set-pieces, including lots of gunfights, explosions and bloody
bullet squibs. There are also some brief nude scenes, a smattering of
gore (shots to the head; Sam being eaten by rats) and a good
helicopter explosion (this one isn't a model). Frequent Santiago
collaborator Joe Mari Avellana's script is nothing special, but the
acting by a cast of Santiago regulars makes it all bearable. The
stinger at the end was also a nice touch and totally unexpected. My
appreciation of Santiago as a director increases every time I watch
another film of his. The majority of his films may be nothing more
than rip-offs of other movies, but he is a professional and is
capable of turning out compact (the majority of his films run 85
minutes or less), entertaining time-wasters. Also known as KILLER
INSTINCT. The next film in Santiago's Nam actioners was THE
EXPENDABLES (1988), followed by NAM
ANGELS (1988). Also starring Anthony East, Henry
Strzalkowski, David Light, Mel Davidson, Willy Williams and Jeff
Griffith. Released on VHS by Media
Home Entertainment and not yet available on DVD. Rated R.
BLACK
GUNN (1972) - Three guys with white
burlap sacks over their heads rob a Mob-run bookie operation and
steal all the money, as well as the "payoff books"
belonging to mobster (and used car salesman) Mr. Capelli (Martin
Landau). One of the guys is shot dead while escaping and one of the
surviving trio is Scott Gunn (Herb Jefferson Jr.), the brother of the
single-monikered Gunn (Jim Brown), who owns a popular nightclub
called Gunn's Club. Scott belongs to a militant organization called
the Black Action Group (BAG) and he plans to use the stolen money to
buy guns for his group so they can kill more rich white crackers. Mr.
Capelli is more interested in getting the books back, so he hires
sadistic Mob muscle Ray Kriley (the always entertaining Bruce Glover)
to find out who stole them and retrieve them by any means possible,
including death. Scott give the books to his brother , who knows how
important they really are. Kriley tears apart Watts looking for the
guilty parties, raiding BAG headquarters and threatening the life of
the young son of one of the members in exchange for the names of the
people involved in the bookie caper. When Capelli catches wind that
Gunn is involved, he sends crooked Senator Adams (Gary Conway) to try
to appeal to Gunn's business sense, but Gunn sends the Senator
packing to "the other side of the tracks". Sensing that
he's using the wrong tactics,
Capelli then sends Toni (Luciana Paluzzi) to try to appeal to Gunn's
fondness for women (and we all know how much Jim Brown likes his
white women). Surprisingly, Gunn is able to resist her charms since
he already has a main squeeze, Judith (Brenda Sykes), but Kriley
crashes the party and a shootout occurs. Gunn gets the drop on Kriley
and sends him packing, too. Kriley, in turn, kills Scott and leaves
his body in front of Gunn's nightclub. Bad move. Gunn is now on a
mission to get all those responsible for his brother's death,
including the person who supplied Scott's name to Capelli. Gunn
reluctantly joins forces with BAG leader Seth (Bernie Casey) and
begins a path of death and destruction, which includes a one-on-one
with Kriley in his mother's home, a visit to a party hosted by
Senator Adams (where Toni shows her true colors) and a finale where
Gunn and BAG battle Capelli and his men in a warehouse. This
early 70's blaxploitation film, directed by Englishman Robert
Hartford-Davis (THE BLACK TORMENT
- 1964; CORRUPTION - 1968; THE
FIEND - 1972; THE TAKE -
1974), is a leisurely-paced actioner filled with a ton of great
character actors, including Bruce Glover (NIGHT
OF THE SCARECROW - 1995), Gary Conway (I
WAS A TEENAGE FRANKENSTEIN - 1957), William Campbell (DEMENTIA
13 - 1963), Bernie Casey (DR.
BLACK
MR. HYDE
- 1975), Timothy Brown (THE MURDER GANG
- 1976), Brenda Sykes (HONKY -
1971) and, of course, Martin Landau, who had a second career
appearing in B-films like this and Greydon Clark's WITHOUT
WARNING (1979) before getting a career resurgence for his
role in TUCKER: THE
MAN AND HIS DREAM (1988) and then winning an Academy Award
for his portrayal of Bela Lugosi in Tim Burton's ED
WOOD (1994). Jim Brown, who was one of the kings of
blaxploitation cinema (SLAUGHTER
- 1972; SLAUGHTER'S BIG RIP-OFF
- 1973), THREE THE HARD WAY
- 1974, and a few others), does here what he does best: Basically,
just acts like himself and beats up all the white people he can get
his hands on. His fight with Bruce Glover is one of this film's
highlights, even if it's obvious Glover is being doubled in some of
the more strenuous stunts. Some may find that this film is too slow,
but there's a lot to enjoy here, from the black cop who can't stand
Gunn's ass (his white partner is actually the nicer and more
level-headed of the two!); the bullet squibs that gush blood in the
gunfight scenes; to the blood-soaked shootout finale in the
warehouse. This isn't by far the most action-packed blaxploitation
film you'll ever see, but it is a well-plotted and interesting one. I
remember watching BLACK GUNN
on late-night TV in the mid-70's and hearing the word "fuck"
sneak past the censor's scissors. Every time it was shown after
that, I would watch it just to see if they caught their mistake. They
did. Also starring Vida Blue, Stephen McNally, Keefe Brasselle, Chuck
Daniel, Tony Young, a bit part by Jeannie Bell (TNT
JACKSON - 1975) and a cameo by football player Deacon Jones
as himself. Available on DVD in a
nice widescreen print from Columbia
Tristar Home Entertainment. Rated R.
THE
BLACK SIX (1974) - Lousy
blaxploitation flick that is short on action and long on racist and
hip 70's dialog. Six "peace-loving" Vietnam vet bikers
(played by real life ex-football players, including Gene
Washington, "Mean" Joe Greene and Mercury Morris) travel
across the U.S. in search of themselves. When Washington receives a
letter from his mother telling him that his brother has been killed,
he decides to return home to "cracker country" with his
buddies to "peacefully" find the killer (To show how
peaceful they are, the Black Six totally destroy a racist bar enroute
to Mama's house. They don't harm the people, just wreck the
building!). At his mother's house, Washington runs into some friction
with his sister, Cissy (Ruby Delaware). She calls him a
"modern-day Uncle Tom" because of his pacifist ways.
Washington discovers that his brother had a white girlfriend and that
her brother (Mikel Angel, co-director of THE
LOVE BUTCHER
- 1975) belongs to an all white biker gang. Figuring that this gang
is responsible for his brother's death, he takes the information to
the police. The white police chief was already aware of the facts but
refuses to arrest the white bikers. The Black Six decide to drop
their peaceful ways and have a final confrontation with the racist
gang, led by Thor (Ben Davidson). A final scrawl on the screen warns,
"Watch Out Honkys. If You Don't Mend Your Ways, The Black Six
Will Return!" Thankfully, they never did. As biker
films go, THE
BLACK SIX
is one of the worst. The very brief action scenes are clumsily staged
and shot and the ending is oh so confusing. There is one brief shot
of nudity, when Washington catches his ex-girlfriend (Rosalind Miles)
hooking with a white customer. On the plus side, the six leads are
given very little dialogue, saving us from wincing in aural pain.
This film makes WEREWOLVES
ON WHEELS
(1971) look absolutely polished. Director Matt Cimber (real name:
Matteo Ottaviano) has been making exploitation films for a long time,
starting with Jayne Mansfield's last role in SINGLE
ROOM FURNISHED
(1968). He is also responsible for MAN
AND WIFE
(1969 - considered the first theatrical hardcore porn film), CANDY
TANGERINE MAN
(1975), LADY
COCOA
(a.k.a. POP GOES THE WEASEL
- 1974), THE
WITCH WHO CAME FROM THE SEA
(1976 - his best film), A
TIME TO DIE
(1979/1982), HUNDRA
(1983), YELLOW
HAIR AND THE FORTRESS OF GOLD
(1984), the Pia Zadora howlers BUTTERFLY
and FAKE
OUT
(both 1982) as well as many others. A Unicorn
Video Release. Rated
R.
BLACK
TERRORIST (1976) - O.K.
South Africa-lensed actioner originally simply titled TERRORIST
before the powers-that-be decided to add the word "Black"
to the title for its VHS release in 1985. While the new title is not
misleading, one still has to wonder why it was necessary to change
it. Three black terrorists sneak onto the shores of South West Africa
and end up at a remote farmhouse, where they take Anna (Vera Johns),
her mother (Bess Finney), father (Willem Labuschagne) and younger
brother Peter (Norman Knox) hostage. The terrorists shoot the father
in the back when he tries to escape, killing him, and abuse the
mother, turning her into their personal slave (they seem to
get-off on humiliating white women) and rape their black maid,
eventually killing her when they are done. The mother causes a
diversion (which ends in her getting her throat cut with a butcher
knife), allowing Anna to escape by foot into the desolate landscape.
She is able to make it to the shack of drunkard Jock (screenwriter
Howard Connell) and they both decide to head back to the farm to get
some payback, but their truck breaks down and they are picked-up by
American journalist Brad (Robert Aberdeen), who drives them to a gas
station. Joe (Allan Granville), the owner of the gas station, joins
the trio as they head towards the farm, unaware that two of the
terrorists have stolen Anna's Jeep and have left the farm, taking
Peter along with them as a hostage. When they get to the farm, the
third terrorist riddles Jock with automatic gunfire before Joe kills
him with his machine gun. Anna, Joe and Brad then set out to save
Peter, who is now traversing the desert by foot with the other two
terrorists after the Jeep breaks down. A series of events finds Peter
and the last surviving terrorist holed-up in an abandoned building,
while gung-ho Joe, pacifist Brad and worried Anna try to figure out
how to save Peter. It all ends with Joe dead, Peter escaping and the
last terrorist limping back to his boat and heading back to his
homeland, laughing like a hyena and proud of all the death and
destruction he and his dead comrades have caused. Bad sound recording
aside (the dialogue was recorded live and sounds muzzled, making much
of what is being said unintelligible, especially with the thick local
accents), BLACK TERRORIST still manages to entertain thanks to
some great on-location cinematography and sudden bursts of bloody
violence. Director/producer Neil Hetherington (his only directorial
effort) uses the desolate locations to good effect, although the
script by co-star Howard Connell is full of so many lucky
coincidences, the film becomes some sort of surreal actioner that
defies logic. While the three terrorist seem to have been sent to
this farm to "free" their homeland (How they planned on
doing this is never explained), they are really nothing but
rape-happy thugs who get-off on inflicting violence and degradation
to their captives and soon they turn on each other, as the injured
terrorist is left at the farm by the other two because he will slow
them down and the surviving terrorist shoots the second terrorist
when he tries to stop him from raping a female whose automobile they
have just carjacked. The paper-thin plot is really only an excuse to
show the terrorists killing their hostages, usually by shooting them
(lots of bloody bullet squibs). I'm sure this film has some major
political subtext in its home country, but it plays like a bloody
torture session in most other countries. Clocking-in at a shade less
than 72 minutes, BLACK TERRORIST doesn't overstay its welcome
and would make a good companion piece with the similarly-themed ALBINO
(1976). Also starring Sydney Chama, Joe Lopez and Victor Mashibini as
the terrorists. Originally available on VHS from After Hours
Entertainment (a sub-label of Monterey
Home Video) and available on bootleg DVD from Televista in a
severely edited 67-minute print. Not Rated.
BLASTFIGHTER
(1984) - I have seen more than my fair share of Italian genre
films, but I think this is the first time I am reviewing an Italian
hillbilly action flick! And it is full of gory violence, to boot
(pardon my humor [because the country of Italy is shaped like a boot!]).
The film opens with ex-cop Jake 'Tiger' Sharp (Michael Sopkiw; AFTER
THE FALL OF NEW YORK - 1983; MASSACRE
IN DINOSAUR VALLEY - 1985) being released from federal prison
after serving ten years for killing the man who murdered his wife.
His former partner (Massimo Vanni; BRONX
WARRIORS 2 - 1983; here billed as "Patrick O'Neil
Jr.") picks him up and gives him a present: The titled weapon, a
prototype shotgun that can shoot grenades, explosive shells, tear
gas, shells filled with ball bearings and other goodies. After being
tempted in using the weapon on a hotshot lawyer that sent him to
prison, Tiger decides that he wants to live a quiet life at his
hometown in Georgia (filmed in Clayton, Georgia). He drives to
Georgia while what passes for Italian country music plays on the
radio (a song titled "Evening Star" sung by "Tommie
Boy"), stops at a country store where a guy is playing banjo
(Billy Redden, the same person [inbred child] that Ronny Cox
challenged to "Dueling Banjos" in DELIVERANCE
[1972]!) and then goes to his home (after 10 years behind bars and
the house is immaculate?!?). He decides to go hunting with the
Blastfighter, but when he has a 10-point buck in his sights, he can't
pull the trigger (a tribute to THE
DEER HUNTER - 1978). As he is about to walk away a shot rings
out and the buck falls to the ground, seriously wounded, but not
dead. Three hillbillies appear and Tiger tells the hicks to finish
off the buck (it triggers a flashback to when Tiger was a cop). They
refuse, laughing while the buck twitches in pain, so Jake finishes it
off with the Blastfighter. Tiger then adopts the buck's baby doe (!)
and takes it home. He stops at the local store for some milk and a
baby bottle and when he returns to his car, he discovers that the
three hillbillies have cut the doe's throat. Tiger gets into a fight
with the trio, throwing one through the store's window (He says to
the hillbillies, "You wanna know who I am? I'm a son of a bitch!
Who wants to be left alone."), only to discover one of the
hillbillies, Wally (Stefano Mingardo; THE
RAIDERS OF ATLANTIS - 1983; billed as "Mike
Miller"), is the younger brother of his old childhood friend
(and future enemy) Tom (Luigi Montefiori; 2020
TEXAS GLADIATORS - 1982; here using his frequent pseudonym
"George Eastman"). Tom is the bigshot in town, a logging
company owner whose sideline is selling animal parts, like the gall
bladders of bears and deer antlers, to the local "Chinaman",
who uses them as ingrediants for expensive Chinese medical cures.
When Wally and his two cohorts leave a gutted animal hanging from
Tiger's front door, he gets pissed off, goes to the Chinaman's place
of business, runs him out of town and gets into another fist fight
with Wally. Tom breaks it up, telling Tiger (whom he calls
"Ti") that if he had to choose sides betwenn Wally and him,
he would always pick his brother's side.
When Tiger returns home, he discovers a young woman named Connie
(Valentina Forte; CUT AND RUN
- 1985; billed as "Valerie Blake") has made herself
comfortable in his house (even sleeping in his bed!). He has no idea
on what she is up to so, the next morning, he drives her to town only
to discover that Wally has messed with the brakes, forcing Tiger and
Connie to jump out of the car before it skids off the road and
explodes, flipping down the side of a mountain. After Tiger destroys
Wally's new pickup truck in retaliation, Connie reveals that she is
his daughter (He was only away for ten years. Why can't he recognize
his own daughter? Don't ask too many questions because you will get
no answers. Tiger also meets Connie's boyfriend Pete (Future director
[and this film's assist director] Michele Soavi; THE
CHURCH - 1989; here using the name "Michael
Saroyan") and, that night while they are camping out, Wally and
his friends send some flaming barrels rolling down the hill,
destroying Pete's van. Tiger tells Connie that he has had enough and
they are leaving town but, before they can, Wally and his band of
inbred friends kill Pete and Tiger's ex-partner (who came for a
visit) and try to rape Connie, chasing her through the forest. Tiger
has no choice but to stay and rescue his daughter.
The hillbillies ambush Jake in his new car after he rescues Connie,
causing it to explode (Tiger can't seem to catch a break with cars!).
He and an always-complaining Connie (He screams to her, "Where
are your balls, Connie?!") must traverse a waterfall, a raging
river, a rickety old suspension bridge and other forest dangers in
order to avoid a large posse of hicks who are now after them. Tiger
and Connie make it home, but instead of grabbing the Blastfighter,
Tiger makes some Molotov cocktails, thinning out the posse by setting
them on fire. This is the point when it turns from a revenge action
flick into a blood-soaked gore film.
Connie is shot in the leg by Wally, forcing Tiger to remove the
bullet with his knife (he succeeds). He then has to pull her leg bone
apart (which is jutting out of the wound) so he can apply a splint
(all of this is shown in close-up). Tom is overhead in a helicopter
trying to spot them. When he does, he tells Wally to remain where he
is and then tries to talk some sense to Tiger, telling him if he
forgets everything that has happened, he will let them go free. Wally
doesn't like this deal, so when Tiger and Connie come out of hiding
to talk to Tom, Wally shoots Connie dead and Tiger goes all Rambo on
their asses. He picks off half the posse just with his knife and a
rifle (he shoots Wally in the leg while he is in the
helicopter), but the major carnage comes when Jake arrives home and
pulls out the Blastfighter. He uses the weapon to destroy the
hillbilly's vehicles, takes the arm off one hillbilly and then blows
one hick apart until he is nothing but a bloody spray (a nice gory
body explosion). He then shoots the arm off another hillbilly
(portrayed by stunt coordinator Ottaviano Dell'Acqua; RATS:
NIGHT OF TERROR - 1984; here using his frequent "Richard
Raymond" nom de plume) and kills Wally, before purposely
destroying the Blastfighter by slamming it against the tree. He
should have waited because he still has to deal with Tom. They agree
to face each other with only one bullet in each of their weapons of
choice (a shotgun for Tom and a pistol for Tiger). Of course, Tom
being the bad guy, he cheats, but instead of killing him, Tiger
shoots him in the knee. The film ends with Tiger driving Tom back to
town (with a load of dead hillbillies piled up in the pickup truck's
bed) to meets their fates with the police.
While nothing special, this film is enjoyable due to the frequent
violence director Lamberto Bava (A
BLADE IN THE DARK - 1983; DEVIL
FISH - 1984; DEMONS -
1985) displays. While the graphic violence doesn't come until the
final 20 minutes of the film, it is a hoot to hear the dubbing
artists use exaggerated Southern drawls for the characters they are
dubbing (just like the dubbing in most Italian films, they have no
idea how any American talks!). The on-location photography also adds
a sense of realism to the proceedings. I was surprised to hear that
it was filmed in the same locations as DELIVERANCE
(1972). The screenplay, by Max & Luca von Ryt (BLOOD
LINK - 1983), with story credit going to Bava, Morand
McMorrand (MARK OF THE SCORPION
- 1986) & Dardano Sacchetti (NEW
YORK RIPPER - 1982), references other more popular films,
including FIRST BLOOD
(1981) and the ones I mentioned in the review. I was also surprised
to read, during the closing credits, that no animals were harmed in
the making of this film. All the shots of real-life animal deaths
(including the buck and a pig) were taken from stock documentary
footage. This has to be a first because the Italians were not ashamed
to show real animals getting killed for "entertainment
value", especially their cannibal films.
BLASTFIGHTER got a
limited Unrated theatrical release in the United States by Almi
Pictures in 1985, with a fullscreen Unrated VHS release courtesy of Vestron
Video shortly thereafter. While it never got a legitimate DVD
release in the States, the Blu-Ray,
from Code Red, looks
fabulous. Except for the embarsassing opening, where Code Red founder
Bill Olsen introduces the film with Michael Sipkow (he still looks in
great shape) while wearing his banana suit (he doesn't want anyone to
know what he looks like!), the disc is a winner. Stuffed with extras
including a new 2016 interview with Lamberto Bava, who reveals that
Producer Luciano Martino sold the film to various countries on the
title alone, before any footage was shot. He also said that he based
the film's story on a true article he read where two Yellowstone Park
rangers were caught selling animal parts to Asia. While that tidbit
does get a mention in the film, it is quickly dropped. Bava also says
that he spoke English when he made this film, but in the past years,
forgot how! Also on the disc is an interview with George Eastman, who
says he doesn't like Bava because "he tried to be like his
father, but failed" (Eastman appeared in Mario Bava's RABID
DOGS [1974]).
Listening to Eastman talk, he comes across as an ungrateful SOB, as
he hates most of the films he appeared in and dislikes most of the
people he worked with. Also on the disc are new interviews with
Michael Sipkow (Who nows sells a protective type of glass called
"miron". You can go to his website, www.miron-glass.com,
to learn more) and director of photography Gianlorenzo Battaglia,
who also shot WITCHERY
(1988) and Bava's DEMONS 2
(1986). Sopkiw relates a funny story about meeting Quentin Tarantino
at the video store he worked at before he became famous. Tarantino
recognized Sopkiw right away and told him that this film was one of
his favorites. Also starring Elizabeth Forbes, Carl Savage, Giancarlo
Prati and George Williams. Not Rated.
BLOOD
HANDS (1990) - Four drunk
buddies, Walter (James Gaines; MOVIE IN ACTION
- 1987), James (Ned Hourani; SUDDEN THUNDER
- 1990), George (Jim Moss; FIST OF GLORY
- 1991) and Frank (Jerry Beyer), enter a grocery store to buy
some booze, but end up harassing the customers and causing all kinds
of trouble. The store manager asks them to leave and a martial arts
fight breaks out, which ends with the manager smacking his head
against a counter and dying. The four drunk bastards take off in
their car, only to have it overheat, so they begin knocking on doors
looking for water for the car's radiator. They end up at the home of
Diane (Doris Cooper) and her husband Edward (the late Nick Nicholson)
and, wouldn't you know it, James and Diane use to be lovers way back
when. While Edward is out picking up a birthday cake for their son
Steve (Sean Donahue; PAROLE
VIOLATORS - 1994), a kickboxing champion, James and his buddies
decide to put a little rape on the menu and begin sexually assaulting
Diane, but are interrupted when Edward returns home. Another martial
arts fight breaks out and the four drunks prove to be too much for
Edward (although he puts up a pretty good fight) and Diane. James
snaps Diane's neck (While screaming, "You could have had it
all!") and then kicks Edward through a glass door, killing him,
but not before Edward rips off a gold medallion worn around George's
neck. When Steve and girlfriend Tracy (Christine Landson; SFX
RETALIATOR - 1987) discover his dead parents' bodies, Steve
vows revenge, but when Tracy finds the gold medallion and
(eventually) gives it to Steve, he recognizes it as a gold medal to a
local kickboxing event (What are the chances?). Meanwhile, George
notices that his medallion is missing, so he and Frank sneak into
Diane & Edward's house looking for it, only to run into a police
detective, whom they kill by bashing his head against the side of the
pool after yet another martial arts fight. Tracy begs Steve to turn
over the medallion to the police, but he refuses and vows to kill all
those responsible for his parents' deaths. Things get complicated
when Steve beats the snot out of George's son, Bruce, and when George
goes to challenge Steve at his gym (where still yet another martial
arts fight breaks out), he notices that Steve is wearing his
medallion around his neck. Steve finally relents to Tracy's
constant requests and gives the medallion to Tracy's father (who also
happens to be Steve's trainer) to turn over to the police, but before
he can do so he is attacked by James and the gang (who get the
medallion back) and Tracy's father ends up in the hospital in
critical condition, where he eventually dies. That turns out to be
the straw that broke the camel's back, as Steve goes on a bloody
revenge spree (he impersonates a sports writer to get James'
address), first killing Frank (by blowtorch) and then nearly getting
killed himself when the other three gang-up on him in a MetroRail
train car. After the usual 80's style training montage, Steve is
ready to send James, Walter and George's souls to Hell when they
kidnap Tracy. This Philippines-lensed martial arts actioner, directed
by the late Teddy Page (FIREBACK
- 1983; HUNTER'S CROSSING
- 1983; PHANTOM SOLDIERS - 1987
[his crowning achievement]; BLOOD
RING - 1991), using his "Ted Johnson" pseudonym,
and written by Rod Davis for producer K.Y. Lim's Silver Star Film
Corporation production outfit, suffers from a case of "bad
acting-itis", as well as having the music and sound effects
cranked so loud, sometimes you can't hear the dialogue. That's just
as well, though, because whatever words you can make out are idiotic
and unbelievable (I have never heard anyone, even the drunkest of
people, say some of the stuff you will hear in this film!). This is
not one of Page's best films (it's apparent his budget was much lower
than most of his 80's films), as it is a cheap collection of martial
arts and action sequences with the thinnest of revenge plots to hold
it together. While it is nice to see Ned (spelled "Nead" in
the credits) Hourani, James Gaines, Jim Moss and Jerry Beyer get
prominent roles for a change (they were basically secondary or
background characters in most other films), it's a shame it has to be
in a film that is this poor. While there are plentiful well-staged
martial arts fights and stunts (One ends with Steve tying Walter to
the railroad tracks and the MetroRail runs him over [offscreen]),
they are ruined by the over-amped sound effects and music tracks, not
to mention the laughable acting talents of Sean Donahue and Christine
Landson, who both seem to be reading their dialogue off of cue cards.
They are, quite frankly, simply awful and, depending on your outlook,
makes BLOOD HANDS (also
known as JUSTICE)
either a dud of the highest order or an unintentional laugh riot.
Only you can make that decision. Also starring Richard Olney, Sam
Woods, Ron Cunning and James O'Neal. Video label not available, but
the print I viewed was sourced from a British DVD. Not Rated.
BROTHERS
IN BLOOD (1987) - This
Italian actioner has some very weird visuals, more than enough to
make this a recommended ride.
Vietnam 1974: A squad of American soldiers, led by Sgt. Steven
Elliott Logan (Bo Svenson; MOVIE IN ACTION
- 1987), a.k.a. "Steel", silently surround an enemy camp
containing a strategic radio transmitter. On Steel's orders, they
begin invading the base, firing their weapons at anyone who moves and
blowing up the transmitter shack. They the retreat after killing
everyone except for one enemy hostage, who is then shot and killed by
his own men as Steel and his men board the rescue helicopter. Steel
is wounded when he steps on the copter and watches as it leaves a
wounded Danny Danneo (Carlo Mucari; BLACK
ANGEL - 1989), Steel's best friend, behind. He watches as
the enemy surrounds Danny, their guns drawn, until the helicopter is
too far in the air to see what happens next.
We are then transported to New York City in 1986. Steel suffers from
PTSD and is now a drunk and his wife (actress unknown) bails him out
of jail for destroying a bar. She tells him she is taking him to see
a psychiatrist at the Veterans Administration Hospital, because he
can no longer live like this, he needs professional help. She tells
Steel that it has been over ten years and everyone has forgotten
about Vietnam. "I haven't," says Steel, but his wife tells
him he has to fight a different war now, "for your family,
money, for your job. If you don't look out, you'll lose this war,
too." She reminds him that he has a young son that he needs to
set an example for, asking Steel if he remembers him. "Do
you?" shoots back Steel, as he gets out of the taxi his wife
drives to support her family and then walks to the Veterans
Administration Hospital. Later, his wife watches a televised news
report, as the newscaster describes a hijacking and a hostage
situation in some unnamed Third World nation. The newscaster reads
the names of the military personnel that are being held hostage and
one of the names is "Daniel Danneo", which she instantly
recognizes as Steel's friend Danny, the one who is causing her
husband's mental breakdown. Steel believed he was dead, which caused
him to become a drunk. His wife knows that if Steel hears this name,
he will try to rescue Danny and the rest of the hostages from the
hijackers. A man named Hoskins (actor unknown) rings the doorbell and
tells Steel's wife that he is from the "Acme Agency" and is
there to evaluate the house for a mortgage. She tells him to leave,
realizing her husband has taken a second mortgage on the house to
finance his trip to rescue Danny. When Hoskins leaves, she calls
Major Briggs (Martin Balsam; BLOOD
AND DIAMONDS - 1977), telling him that Steel took a loan out
on the house to finance a rescue mission, because he felt so guilty
all these years. She begs Major Briggs to tell Steel where the
hostages are being held, this is just what he needs to break out of
his funk. Briggs says he will do what he can, but she tells him to
hurry up, Steel has disappeared and she has no idea where he is.
Steel turns up at the house of Richard Benson (Peter Hooten; 2020
TEXAS GLADIATORS - 1982), an old Army buddy of his who was
there when Danny was taken prisoner by the Cong in 1974. Richard
knows why Steel is there, he wants him to help rescue Danny, even
though Richard's wife (actress unknown) tells him not to. Richard
tells her he is not going to abandon Danny again, because he, too,
like Steel, has nightmares nearly every night and she knows how bad
they are. "I don't want you to abandon us. Isn't it bad enough
our son has leukemia? I want you here!" says Richard's wife.
Steel overhears the conversation, talks to the young son and then
goes to leave Richard's house when Richard appears and says,
"Okay, let's go get Danny!"
Steel and Richard have a few stops to make before rescuing Danny,
namely to put their old squad back together. Their first stop is
Miami, where they try to convince squad member Mark Bright (Nat Kelly
Cole) to get some weapons together and join them on the hostage
rescue. It takes some convincing because Mark is a casino owner who
owes a ton of money to the Mob, so Steel and Richard rough up some
mob members out to kill Mark and he joins his old pals in their
mission. The next stop is some unnamed African nation, where former
squad member Travis Mills (Werner Pochath; TERROR
EXPRESS - 1979) works at the Safari Disco as a female
impersonator (!), talk/singing a love ballad to an appreciative
audience (Pochath looks ridiculous in his female getup, his hairy
chest a dead giveaway that he is not a woman!). Travis is not happy
to see them (and by the look on their faces, he can see that they
don't approve of what he is doing!) and tells them that he is a
prisoner in this country, thanks to its ruler, General Ortega
(Franklin Dominguez; RAIDERS OF THE
MAGIC IVORY - 1988), who took Travis' passport, stole his
monthly military pension and makes him have gay sex with him! The
trio helps Travis get even with the General and at the same time
steal his cache of automatic weapons and his helicopter (Steel shoots
and kills the General point-blank as he is boarding the helicopter).
Major Briggs takes a trip to the unnamed Third World country (filmed
in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic) where Danny and four other
military POWs are being held hostage, warning members of the
government that four Americans are heading here to rescue the
hostages. He tells them if this renegade squadron of former soldiers
is not successful in their task, they can kill them with no reprisals
from the United States. Major Briggs then tells them if Steel and his
men are successful in rescuing the hostages, he will kill them
himself as they leave the country. Major Briggs keeps a close eye on
Steel and his squad's progress, but is he really willing to kill them
or is he paying lip service to this country's government? The squad
of four discovers that the hostages are being held in an abandoned
sugar factory, so they stake it out and come up with a plan of
action. Will they rescue the hostages and, more importantly, will any
of them survive if they do?
The real action doesn't kick in until the final twenty minutes of
this 77-minute film, but director Tonino Valerii (THE
PRICE OF POWER - 1969; MY
NAME IS NOBODY - 1973; GO
GORILLA GO - 1975; SAHARA CROSS
- 1977), working with a screenplay by Roberto Leoni (STREET
PEOPLE - 1976; HELL'S HEROES
- 1987; and Valerii's MY DEAR KILLER
- 1972), layers the film with enough weird sights to keep your brain
and eyes occupied before the final firefight begins. I have to say
that I have seen Werner Pochath play more than his share of crazy
characters (such as in LASER MISSION
- 1989), enough of them for him to become one of my favorite Italian
genre film actors (I first noticed him in the horrid IGUANA
WITH THE TONGUE OF FIRE - 1971), but seeing him in women's
clothes and talk/singing a love ballad really sent me for a loop! He
is the best thing about this film, as he always makes any film he
appears in seem better than it actually is. Pochath died at the
relatively young age of 53 in 1993 after getting cirrhosis of the
liver while receiving treatment for AIDS. Speaking of AIDS, this was
Nat Kelly Cole's only film role. He was the adopted son of singers
Nat King Cole and Maria Cole. His sister was popular singer Natalie
Cole and he died from complication of AIDS in 1995 (Is there a
connection? I'll let you debate that.). This film also has its fair
share of surprises and there's one about Danny that I didn't see
coming. If I told you what it was, I would ruin the film for you. It
should also be noted that everyone in this film is dubbed (even
though it is plain to see everyone is speaking English), so it's
weird hearing different voices coming out of Bo Svenson and Martin
Balsam's mouths since they both have distinctive speech patterns.
Still, this film delivers what it promises, so you should have a good
time with it. The film ends with an off-screen narrator telling
us the future of the surviving characters. You won't believe your
ears when he tells us what happened to Travis. I guess being gay has
tragic consequences, especially in Italian genre films! Richard's
future also isn't too rosy (His son died of leukemia while he was
rescuing Danny, so he adopted a female Vietnamese child! What?!?).
Shot as LA SPORCA
INSEGNA DEL CORAGGIO ("The Dirty Sign Of Courage")
and also known as BLOOD
COMMANDO, this film never had a U.S. theatrical release, but
was released to U.S. VHS heavily edited as SAVAGE
ATTACK (from label III Star). No disc releases of the title
in the States as far as I could determine, but it is available
streaming on Amazon Prime (under the review title). The print is an
open-matte fullscreen print, uncut and dubbed in English (which is
how I viewed it). Also featuring Juan Jose Ceballes, Pietro Torrisi
(better known as "Peter McCoy"; GUNAN,
KING OF THE BARBARIANS - 1982), Rocco Lerro (1990:
THE BRONX WARRIORS - 1982) and Sergio Testori (SYNDICATE
SADISTS - 1975). Bo Svenson was this film's uncredited
Producer. It is also weird that none of the female cast are listed in
the credits, so if anyone knows who they are, drop me an email.
Not Rated.
CAGE
(1989) - Must-see viewing for all fans of action cinema, but not
for the reasons you might expect. During a nasty enemy attack in
Vietnam in 1969, soldier Bill Thomas (Lou Ferrigno; DESERT
WARRIOR - 1988) is shot in the head while saving Captain
Scott Monroe (Reb Brown; ROBOWAR
- 1988), turning him into a retarded, child-like muscle-bound idiot
who likes to be called Billy. Twenty years pass and Scott is still
looking out for Billy, acting as his older brother, father, mother
and, most of all, best friend, but times are tough and Scott has to
figure out a way they can both make some money to survive. With the
bank note coming due on Scott's bar (which caters to disabled
veterans) and no way to pay it, Scott has to figure out something and
do it quick. When a bar fight breaks out between Scott and Diablo
(Branscombe Richmond) and his Latino gang, it catches the eye of
gambler Tony Baccola (Michael Dante; BEYOND
EVIL - 1980), who is looking for someone to challenge Chang
(Tiger Chung Lee), a champion fighter in the brutal (and illegal)
sport of cage fighting, run by the dastardly Tin Lum Yin (James
Shigata), who Tony owes $100,000 for losing a bet on a previous
fight. After Scott and hulking simpleton Billy defeat Diablo and his
gang, Tony and his right
hand man Mario (Mike Moroff; RETURN
OF THE LIVING DEAD 3 - 1993), who is almost as much as a
mental defective as Billy, offer Scott and Billy a chance to make
some money, but Scott turns them down. Since Tony also owes crime
kingpin Mr. Costello (Al Ruscio) $75,000, he hires Diablo and his
gang to burn down Scott's bar (with orders not to harm anyone), in
hopes that Scott will have no choice but to take Tony up on his offer
and let Billy fight in the cage matches. Diablo's second-in-command,
Mono (Daniel Martine), botches the torch job and kills Meme (Maggie
Mae Miller), the bar's beloved waitress, in the blaze (When Scott and
Billy hear the news of Meme's death, they both go on a crying jag
that must be seen to be believed!). When a steadfast Scott still
refuses to let Billy fight (he really is about the best friend anyone
could ever hope to have), Tony and Mario kidnap Billy and begin
training him to fight, under the ruse that he is helping Scott raise
money to rebuild the bar. When the police refuse to help Scott find
Billy, he sets out on his own, first by killing Diablo and Mono (who
suffers a fitting death by fire while begging Scott to kill him,
which he refuses to do!) and then heading to the cage match, where
Billy is about to fight in a series of punishing matches, the last
one against Chang. Scott gets captured and joins forces with female
reporter Morgan Garrett (Marilyn Tokuda) and undercover cop Tiger Joe
(erstwhile stuntman and bit actor supreme Al Leong) to save Billy and
get even with Tony, Tin Lum Yin and Mr. Costello. Scott must take
Billy's place in the ring and fight Tin Lum Yin's East Coast
champion, which leads to a shoot-out, many deaths and an unexpected
windfall for Scott and Billy. First off, how Lou Ferrigno
didn't win an Academy Award for his performance here is beyond my
comprehension (Oscar rule of thumb: Play a retard, dress in drag or
die of a terminal disease and you are guaranteed to get a
nomination). Yes, I am half-kidding, but the other half of me enjoyed
Ferrigno's performance immensely, as he is affecting and totally
believable as the retarded musclehead. It's probably the best role of
his career, acting-wise. Reb Brown also registers as Scott. His
protective friendship with Billy is quite touching. Secondly, there's
a lot more going on here than a simple action film. Director/producer
Lang Elliott (THE PRIVATE EYES
- 1981) packs a lot of emotion on-screen, thanks to Hugh Kelly's
screenplay, especially the contrasting relationships between Scott
and Billy and Tony and Mario. Both Billy and Mario lack the
intelligence or will to survive on their own, but the way they are
treated by their prospective guardians is like apples and oranges.
The scene where Mario sympathizes with Billy while he is being beaten
to a pulp by one fighter (played by Matthias Hues) is heartfelt and
tugs at your emotions, as is their scene in the locker room where
Mario pleads with Billy to fight one more time to save both of their
lives. Call me an old softy, but CAGE
is that rare action film that pulls at your heartstrings while
beating your body to a bloody pulp. Lang made a sequel, CAGE
II in 1994 (once again using Hugh Kelley as the screenwriter
and Lou Ferrigno and Reb Brown as the stars), and it's about as lousy
a sequel as you will ever see. Look closely and you'll spot Danny
Trejo as Mr. Costello's bodyguard, Jimmy F. Skaggs as the "Ugly
Guy" and roller derby and wrestling veteran Queen Kong (nee Dee
Booher) as a member of Diablo's gang who gets punched in the face by
Scott. Also starring Dana Lee and Rion Hunter as Chinese albino Cheo
Tung. Originally released on VHS by Orion Home Video and available on
a budget fullscreen DVD from Trinity Entertainment. Rated R.
CAGE
II (1994) - Awful sequel to the
surprisingly affecting CAGE (1989)
that, while it reunites the main cast, director and screenwriter,
misses the mark completely on what made the original film so
successful: Its emotional core. Lou Ferrigno returns as hulking
simpleton Billy, who was rendered retarded during the Vietnam War by
getting shot in the head while saving Scott (Reb Brown) from an enemy
ambush. Since that day, Scott has become Billy's caregiver and best
friend. As Part II opens, Scott and Billy are attacked in a grocery
store by Chin (James Lew) and his gang, who leave Scott for dead and
kidnap Billy after shooting a tranquilizer dart into his stomach.
Billy becomes the star attraction of the Cage Cable Network, a brutal
fighting corporation (which now, unlike the first film, seems
perfectly legal) owned by Tin Lum Yin (James Shigata), the chief bad
guy in Part 1, who was supposedly crushed to death by Billy in the
finale, but survived and now must wear a full body brace and walk
with a cane. Tin Lum Yin keeps Billy in line by giving him daily
"vitamin injections", which are actually genetically
enhanced steroids that turn Billy into a violent, no-mercy cage
fighter, a 180 degree turn from his normal, docile retarded self.
Scott joins
forces with Interpol agent Tanaka (Leo Fong; LOW
BLOW - 1986) and mute Japanese sensei Ogami (Masaharu
Sakimurai) to find Billy and infiltrate Tin Lum Yin's organization,
but they have to fight wave-after-wave of Yin's men, as well as a
Japanese Triad enforcer named Wang (Tadashi Yamashita). Billy, who
believes Scott is dead, begins to refuse the injections with the help
of pretty servant Mi Lo (Shannon Lee, in a degrading role), which
upsets Yin when Billy begins to get less aggressive and starts
showing mercy on his opponents in the cage matches (by
"mercy", I mean he doesn't kill them). Billy begins to go
through withdrawal symptoms from the lack of injections, which Mi Lo
helps him get through with the use of acupuncture. Yin and Dr. Wo
(Gerald Okamura) want Billy to go back to taking the injections and
when Billy refuses (after finding out that Yin "purchased"
Mi Lo in Hong Kong when she was twelve years-old and used her as a
whore), Yin stages one final tournament before he leaves the city
with millions of dollars in gambling bets. Meanwhile, Scott (who has
been honing his fighting skills with Tanaka and Ogami's help) enters
the tournament under the alias "Robert Parker" (in one of
the most ridiculous disguises I have ever seen) and works his way up
the ranks. Yin, who is not fooled by Scott's disguise (believe me, a
blind man could spot it), comes up with a surefire way to kill two
birds with one stone: pit Scott and Billy against each other in the
final match while he burns down the building and absconds with the
millions. Of course, this all blows-up in Yin's face, as Billy and
Scott join forces with Tanaka and Ogami to stop the madness. When Yin
shoots Mi Lo in the back, Billy goes after him, but the severely
disappointing finale finds Billy shot three times and Yin escaping.
What The Fuck?!? While the original CAGE had a decent
budget and a star turn by Lou Ferrigno, this sequel is much too cheap
looking (check out the sparse audience members during the cage
matches) and is more concerned with fighting than characterization,
which was the original's strength. Ferrigno seems to forget that he's
supposed to be retarded in this film and acts more like Ferrigno than
a simpleton, which is a damned shame. The acting, by a series of
genre pros, is strictly generic (Leo Fong is absolutely terrible
here, but any Fong fan already knows that his thespian ability has
always been lacking) and returning director Lang Elliott (THE
PRIVATE EYES - 1981) and screenwriter Hugh Kelley seem more
interested in showing people beating the stuffing out of each other
(rather unconvincingly) and less about Scott and Billy's
relationship. Even Billy's relationship with Mi Lo rings hollow here,
making CAGE II a bitter
disappointment. It's no better or worse than the multitude of
faceless DTV actioners that crammed the video shelves in the 90's.
What could have (and should have) been an interesting continuation of
the Scott/Billy dynamic is turned into a generic and disappointing
action flick with one of the worst cop-out finales (setting it up for
another sequel which, fortunately, never materialized) in action film
history. Also starring John Marino (simply horrible as the CCN ring
commentator), Thor Edgell, Steven Ito and Jon Turtle. Originally
released on VHS by ABC Video and not available on DVD. Rated R.
CHALLENGE
(1973) - You have to love a film that puts a disclaimer at the
beginning of the film saying that they purposely made a film with no
nudity, sexuality or bad language so that it is family-friendly.
Don't you believe it! While that statement is basically true, there's
enough violence (which they thankfully left out of the disclaimer) on
view here to make action fans happy. Senate candidate John Frank
Challenge (producer Earl Owensby) is about to hand over incriminating
documents to the State Crime Commission, which doesn't sit too well
with local
crime boss and businessman Mr. Guthrie (screenwriter William T.
Hicks). He hires three assassins (including one who's a martial arts
instructor) to kill Challenge, get the documents and also get a
second set which he has hidden at home. The assassins beat the snot
out of Challenge, steal the first set of documents and leave
Challenge bleeding (but not dead) and unconscious in a motel parking
lot. They then go to Challenge's house and accidentally knock out
Challenge's wife (Katheryn Thompson). Unable to find the second set
of documents, they burn down the house, killing Challenge's wife and
young daughter. Challenge is rushed to the hospital and, after
learning of his family's death, vows revenge on those responsible.
From here on, it's WALKING TALL
(1973) time, as Challenge takes on everyone by himself. One-by-one,
Challenge kills those responsible (one involves a sharpened belt
buckle!), until he meets Mr. Guthrie for a final showdown. I
think what makes this different from most revenge flicks is that
Challenge gets revenge without actually killing anyone. They
basically kill themselves, but not without a little push from
Challenge. One crashes his car and it explodes (trying to get away
from Challenge). Another flies his plane into a forest (after running
out of fuel). Still another crashes through a window and falls to his
death (after missing a flying kick aimed at Challenge). Finally, Mr.
Guthrie drops dead of a heart attack running away from Challenge (who
fires his shotgun into the air, basically scaring Guthrie to death).
Earl Owensby (this is his first film, both as actor and producer),
who was never accused of being a good actor, made a career of
churning out these little regional actioners from his Shelby, North
Carolina production facility and they were very popular in the South.
He apparently knew his limitations as an actor, as his roles gave him
minimal dialogue (in one film, 1976's DARK
SUNDAY, he plays a mute preacher out for revenge!), giving
the other actors the lion's share of the lines. After the films
opening disclaimer, it was unnerving to view Owensby's plentiful back
hair (apparently, that's family-friendly). Truth be told, I would
rather see nudity. Director Martin Beck handles the action rather
proficiently, offering us a long car chase through the back streets
of Shelby, a prop plane chase and some other nice set pieces. The
only thing that drags is the cheesy country ballad/flashback that
comes two-thirds into the film. CHALLENGE
spawned a sequel the next year, MANHUNTER
(a.k.a. THE BRASS RING),
which further tells the exploits of Frank Challenge and his vendetta
against organized crime. Ignore the info on IMDB
that says that they are both the same film (they even mix and match
the credits) as it is just plain wrong. Other Owensby films include: DEATH
DRIVER (1977), SEABO
- BUCKSTONE COUNTY PRISON (1978), WOLFMAN
(1979) A DAY OF JUDGMENT (1981)
and DOGS OF HELL
(1982). Also starring Johnny Popwell, Garland Atkins, Laurens Moore
and Dave Adams. A VCL Home Video Release. Rated PG.
CHANCE
(1990) - Detective Jon Chance (Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs) is
suspended from the force after an unfortunate incident where he kills
three crooks and blows up their car, causing $30,000 in damages. Zach
(Dan Haggerty), an ex-cop and recovering alcoholic (not really, as he
is still secretly drinking) and now a repo man (he played
basically the same character in REPO
JAKE - 1990), repossesses a car with stolen diamonds in the
trunk. The diamond thieves want their booty back, as does the mob
boss they stole them from. Zach and Chance join forces when one of
the thieves tries to kill Zach and they try to discover who actually
has possession of the diamonds. That's the whole plot, folks. Toss in
numerous gun fights, car chases and dialogue like. "I'm just
trippin' without my luggage" or "Are you a cop?"
"Not this week.", and you've got
your typical early PM (Richard Pepin/Joseph Merhi) Entertainment
action film, made before they learned how to film an exciting action
flick. The fact that it took two people to direct this, Charles T.
Kanganis (who also acts in this using the name "Charlie
Ganis") and Addison Randall (who also co-wrote the script and
has a role as a jerkoff cop who gets a bullet in his brainpan), is an
early indicator that this film is in trouble. The action scenes are
lame, the fight scenes badly staged and the acting is pretty poor.
Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, who gained semi fame as Freddie
"Boom-Boom" Washington on TV's WELCOME
BACK KOTTER (1975 - 1979), was a popular PM player during
the late 80's to the early 90's.This is Hilton-Jacob's fourth
appearance as Detective Jon Chance. He previously played the same
character in L.A. HEAT (1988), L.A.
VICE
(1989) and ANGELS OF THE CITY
(1989, which he also directed) as well as starring as other
characters in EAST L.A. WARRIORS
(1989) and QUIET FIRE (1991,
which he also directed). After appearing as the cruel father Joe
Jackson in a TV docudrama about the Jackson Five, Hilton-Jacobs
guest-starred in a lot of episodic TV and recently appeared in the
horror film SUBLIME (2006) as
"Mandingo". What can I say about Dan Haggerty (who also was
an Associate Producer on this) that I haven't already complained
about in other reviews? If you've seen him in one film, you've seen
him in all his films. He wears the same expression on his face in all
his roles. It looks as if he's squeezing a twelve foot turd out his
ass and he has the emotional range of a hard boiled egg (and I get
the distinct impression that the booze he drinks in all his roles is
real). How he keeps getting work is beyond me. CHANCE
has a lot of bullet squibs (a PM trademark), some fine female nudity
and a couple of good stunts (but, surprisingly, no scene of a car
flipping through the air in slow-motion, another PM trademark), but
unless you need a really bad action fix and you can't find anything
better to watch, this film can be skipped. For PM Entertainment
completists only. My friend William Wilson keeps sending me these Dan
Haggerty disasters because he knows that I have no choice but to
review them. He knows that I am still looking for a good Dan Haggerty
film when we all know that there's no such thing. William Wilson is a
bastard who should have other people start his car from now on.
Payback is a bitch. Also starring Roger Rodd, Richard Allen, Robert
Axelrod, Gold and Michael McNabe. A PM Entertainment Release. Rated
R.
COBRA
MISSION 2 (1988) - In this
sequel to COBRA MISSION
(1985; known in the United States as OPERATION
NAM), the U.S. government sends ex-soldier Roger Parker
(Brett Clark; ALIEN WARRIOR
- 1985; EYE OF THE EAGLE
- 1987) to some unnamed Central American country to assassinate evil
dictator Garcia (Jose Guerra). Roger doesn't trust the government
very much because, years before, he and some other soldiers went to
Vietnam on their own to rescue some American POWs and when they
returned to the States, the government killed nearly everyone
involved in the mission (This is the only connection to the first
film). With the help of his old Commanding Officer, Roger was able to
avoid being killed by changing his identity and living in anonymity.
Nothing lasts forever, though, as Roger now finds himself paying back
his old C.O.'s favor by going to Central America, where he joins
forces with freedom fighters Gabriel (Jeff Moldovan; MASTERBLASTER
- 1986; HAMMERHEAD
- 1987) and Marisol (Julie M. Carlo). When they sneak into Garcia's
compound and find he is not there,
it's obvious that there's a traitor within their ranks. Gabriel
thinks it's Marisol and shoots her point-blank in the stomach after
ripping open blouse and discovering that her breasts aren't
disfigured (She previously had stated that Garcia's men scarred her
breasts in a torture session years before, which is a reverse
take-off on a truly disturbing scene in the first film). When Rafael
(Cesar Olmo), the leader of the freedom fighters, is captured and
tortured by Garcia and his minions, Roger, Gabriel and a select few
freedom fighters attempt to rescue him, even though the American
government has called off the assassination and wants Roger to return
to the States. Even though they manage to rescue Rafael, the rescue
attempt turns out to be a trap and only Roger, Gabriel and Rafael
escape with their lives. When the real traitor tips his hand, Roger
kills him, but soon finds out that his entire mission was a setup
conducted by Garcia to flush out the freedom fighters and kill them.
Roger still has a trick or two up his sleeve and Garcia pays for his
treachery with his life. This is nowhere near as good or
nihilistic as the first film. Gone is the majority of the
anti-American bias that made the first film so memorable and in it's
place is a lukewarm "guess who the traitor is" plot that is
so easy to solve, it's ridiculous. There's not much to recommend
here, as director Camillo Teti (THE
KILLER IS STILL AMONG US
- 1986; NAVIGATORS OF
THE SPACE - 1993), using the pseudonym "Mark Davis",
offers nothing meaty for the viewer to bite into. The action scenes
are statically filmed and are infrequent (When they do come, it's
just the standard firing of guns and a few bloody bullet squibs and
explosions. There's nothing here remotely extraordinary or
awe-inspiring.). Equally annoying are the dubbed voices used for both
Brett Clark and Jeff Moldovan, who both have real voices that are
distinct and identifiable. Worst of all, COBRA
MISSION 2 is simply boring, with it's generic plot and
much-too talky script (screenplay by Gianfranco Clerici and Vincenzo
Mannino, who both wrote the screenplays for the equally bad MIAMI
HORROR [1985] and the pretty decent PHANTOM
OF DEATH [1987]). The finale is especially frustrating, as
we expect Roger to get even with his Commanding Officer when he
returns to the States. Instead, he returns to Miami (where the entire
film was lensed), gets into a limousine with his C.O. and agrees to
move to Nevada using a new alias! What a crock of shit. Don't waste
your time with this one, folks. Fabrizio DeAngelis, the director of
the first film, was the Producer here. Also starring Franklin
Dominguez (RAIDERS OF THE MAGIC IVORY
- 1988), Aida M. Selman, Willy Nunez, Charles Rack and Thomas Irving.
This film never had a legitimate U.S. home video release, although an
Italian DVD is available. The print I viewed was sourced from a
Greek-subtitled VHS tape. Not Rated.
CODE
NAME: ZEBRA (1986)
- Pretty good in-name-only sequel to 1976's ZEBRA
FORCE, both directed by Joe Tornatore. When Carmine Longo
(Mike Lane, returning from the first film) is released from prison
after a lengthy stay, he goes after the people who put him there.
After their friend Jim is killed by Longo, Frank Barnes (Jim Mitchum)
and Remy Larson (Dennis Rucker) are questioned by the police (George
"Buck" Flower plays
one of the detectives and has a fairly good-sized role) and
released. Larson reforms his old Vietnam War group, The Zebra Force,
which consists of people that Longo is killing. Barnes joins the
force to avenge Jim's death and meets member Jim Bob Cougar (Timothy
Brown), the only other member of The Zebra Force still left alive.
Barnes, Larson and Cougar are ambushed by Longo at their friend's
funeral and Larson is killed. Longo becomes a loose cannon, much to
the dismay of local crime lord Voce (Joe Donte), who is losing too
many of his men who are assisting Longo in fulfilling his
revenge. Barnes and Cougar kidnap Crazy Danny (Charles
Dierkop), a Voce associate, and pump him for info on Longo's plans.
Barnes and Cougar then go on a systematic tour of destruction,
killing two goons by oversweating them in a sauna and hiring some
merceneries (which includes Robert Z'Dar) to help them. They then rob
Voce's personal armoury to get the weapons they need to get their
revenge. Longo puts pressure on mob lawyer Kozlo (Frank Sinatra Jr.,
who's surprisingly good) to locate Crazy Danny and find out what he
told Barnes and Cougar. It's not long before all hell breaks loose as
bullets fly, people die and Barnes faces a personal problem which
involves his girlfriend Julie (Deana Jurgens). This film contains a
cast that is full of B-movie staples. Besides the people already
mentioned, there's Lindsay Crosby, Robert Dryer (SAVAGE
STREETS - 1984), Chuck Morrell and Tornatore associate Mike
Angel (THE LOVE BUTCHER
- 1975). Director Tornatore fills the film with plenty of explosions,
car chases, stunts and other bloodshed, some of it filmed with
Tornatore's patented Peckinpah-like slow-motion photography. Jim
Mitchum (HOLLYWOOD COP - 1986) is
just as good and actor as brother Chris Mitchum (FINAL
SCORE - 1986), but that's not saying much. He spends most of
his time running around firing weapons, so acting takes a back seat
here. This film doesn't have the demented charm of ZEBRA FORCE,
but Tornatore infuses enough B-level action to make this worth a
night's rental. WARNING: If you pick up the Platinum
Productions DVD of this film, you will actually get a
poorly-mastered version of ZEBRA FORCE. Those wily bastards
have the cast credits and plot correct on the DVD sleeve, they just
put the wrong film on the DVD. The only way you are going to see this
film in any form in the U.S. (at least at the time of this writing),
is to find the Trans
World Entertainment VHS Release. Rated R.
COMMANDO
INVASION (1986) -
Action-packed, but brainless, Filipino actioner set during the
Vietnam War. The prologue shows a French army convoy being ambushed
by the Vietcong in 1950. They kill all the French soldiers and steal
millions of dollars in art, important documents and diamonds that the
convoy was transporting. Flash-forward fifteen years and a group of
American commandos are raiding a secret underground tunnel that is
the headquarters for VC General Diap (Ken Watanabe). After killing
all the VC in the tunnel and
capturing General Diap, the leader of the commandos, Captain Brady
(Michael James), calls for a pick-up but, for reasons unknown until
much later, some of the squad members point their weapons at Captain
Brady. When back-up finally arrives, they find all of Brady's men
shot dead and Brady lying unconscious with a fistful of diamonds in
his hands. Brady is brought to court martial, but is given five days
to bring General Diap back to prove his innocence. Brady joins a
group of VC freedom fighters in his search for Diap and even recruits
a VC nurse, Akina (Carol Roberts), to help get into Diap's compound
(she's Diap's mistress). She manages to walk through the compound
unnoticed and leads Brady right to Diap, where he takes him prisoner
for a second time. As they are leaving the compound, a welcoming
committee is waiting and they must fight their way out. When Brady
asks Diap why he killed his men, Diap says, "Do I know
you?", which makes Brady look like a liar in the eyes of Captain
Terryl (Pat Vance), who was sent with Brady on his quest (and whose
brother was killed in the first raid). Brady and his men are ambushed
as they turn every corner, as if someone doesn't want him to make it
back. Could it be the mysterious General McMoreland (Gordon
Mitchell), who may know more than he is letting on? A squad of French
soldiers also want Diap because they think he knows the location of
the treasure stolen fifteen years earlier. After saving each other's
hides a couple of times, the French forge an uneasy alliance with
Brady and agree to take possession of Diap only after he testifies at
Brady's court martial. That's easier said than done, as making it to
the trial will be no easy task. Diap keeps bribing the soldiers with
diamonds to let him escape and Brady must then decide whether to kill
Diap or bring him back for the trial. If you ask me, the only good
gook is a dead gook. Though not as wild and insane as a lot of
these Philippines-lensed actioners, director Jun Gallardo (RESCUE
TEAM
- 1983; SFX RETALIATOR - 1987),
using his "John Gale" pseudonym, injects enough action and
crazy dialogue to make it worth at least one viewing. There's enough
double and triple crosses here for ten films and the violence, while
not particularly bloody, comes fast and frequently. The dialogue
consists of macho lines, like this exchange between Brady and Terryl: Brady:
"You asshole!" Terryl: "Watch your mouth
Brady!" Brady: "O.K. You
stupid asshole!" It's
not Shakespeare, that's for sure. But,
if you like your war action down and dirty with plenty of firefights
and explosions, you can do a whole lot worse than COMMANDO
INVASION. Also starring Jim Gaines, Billy Kipp, Gerald Todd,
John Collins, Tony Lee and Jan Jeffrey. A Questar Productions Home
Video Release. Not Rated.
COP
GAME (1988) - Italian war actioner
filmed in the Philippines. When three soldiers in gas masks (to hide
their identities) brutally gun down an American officer and his lady
friend (i.e. hooker) in front of many witnesses, General Morris
(Brett Halsey, in an uncredited appearance) puts Captain Skipper Kirk
(Romano Puppo; AFTER
THE FALL OF NEW YORK - 1983) in charge of finding out who
were involved on the killings. Since the three killer soldiers were
wearing Cobra Force uniforms at the time of the killings and it is no
secret that Major Shooman (Robert Marius; ALIEN
FROM THE DEEP - 1989), the leader of Cobra Force, is out to
get Colonel Kasler (Werner Pochath; THE
RAT MAN - 1987), who is in charge of the territory where the
murders occurred, Captain Kirk (and, yes, there is a STAR
TREK joke made about his name) assigns two of his best men,
Morgan (Brent Huff; FINAL
EXAMINATION - 2002) and Hawk (Max Laurel; SGT.
CLARIN: BULLET FOR YOUR HEAD - 1990), to discreetly
investigate why American soldiers are killing each other in Saigon
during the final days of the Vietnam War. As we soon find out, Morgan
and Hawk are anything but discreet (Hawk says to one MP, "If I
want any shit from you, I'll squeeze your head!"). When they
question Col. Kasler, he tells the duo that Major Shooman wants him
and another officer dead, but refuses
to tell them the reason why or the other officer's name, citing
reasons of "national security". When an assassin
unsuccessfully tries to kill Col. Kasler, Morgan and Hawk chase the
assassin through the streets of Saigon, where they capture and then
"interrogate" him (Morgan says of Hawk while he's breaking
the assassin's fingers one-by-one, "Don't piss him off. He makes
Bruce Lee look like a pussy!"), but before they can obtain any
information, the three gasmask-wearing soldiers suddenly appear and
gun-down the assassin (Morgan: "Cocksucking, motherfucking son-of-a-bitch!"
Hawk: "You took the words right out of my mouth!"). When
Hawk is called away to visit one of his sick children (What?), Morgan
meets a hooker named Annie (Candice Daly; HELL
HUNTERS - 1986), who gives him the location of one of the
killer soldiers. Morgan is forced to kill the assassin before he can
interrogate him, so he and Hawk (who suddenly reappears) confront
Col. Kasler, who finally spills the beans. It seems Kasler, the dead
officer from the beginning of the film and another officer witnessed
Major Shooman and the Cobra Force slaughter an entire village of
innocent Vietnamese men, women and children, but the U.S. government
would rather cover it up (shades of the true-life Mei Lai Massacre)
and not make the rest of the world aware that American soldiers are
capable of such heinous acts during wartime. As Morgan and Hawk race
to protect the third officer, they will soon discover that the
difference between the good guys and the bad guys is just the width
of a hair. Someone is lying to them in a big way and it could cost
them their lives. This hokey war actioner (nothing but a
low-budget scene-for-scene rip-off of OFF
LIMITS, which was released earlier the same year), directed
by Bruno Mattei (THE OTHER HELL
- 1980; ROBOWAR -
1988; BORN TO FIGHT -
1989; THE TOMB -
2004), using the pseudonym "Bob Hunter", and written by
Rossella Drudi (BEYOND DARKNESS
- 1990), is full of unbelievably bad dialogue ("You promise me
the moon and then you give me a flashlight!") and numerous
action set-pieces, but, unfortunately, most of these set-pieces and
other footage are lifted from other films (including ARK
OF THE SUN GOD [1983] and STRIKE
COMMANDO [1987]) in what seems to be a cost-cutting measure
(There's even a large amount of stock Vietnam war footage to round
out the package). Brent Huff (who sports a distracting dangly earring
in his left ear) is simply awful here. His idea of "acting"
is to scream out all his lines (it becomes unintentionally funny
after a while) and Max Laurel, who was so memorable as ZUMA
(1985), is dubbed by someone with a very high-pitched voice, making
his character seem more like a parody than a real person. Laurel also
disappears mysteriously several times throughout the film. It's as if
he wasn't available to film some of his scenes and is so noticeable,
it becomes distracting. And, call me crazy, but did I spot mid-80's
style bathing suits on view during the opening scene?There are also
plenty of other examples of objects (cars and weapons) that shouldn't
be seen in a film set in the mid-70's. That's just lazy filmmaking.
There's not much here to please action fans besides the risible
dialogue and some slow-motion gunplay, making COP
GAME (also known as GI KILLER) a waste of time unless
you get-off on constant badness. Also starring Don Wilson, Alex
McBride, Alan Collins, Clyde Anderson (actually Italian
director/writer Claudio Fragasso) and a cameo by Jim Gaines. This
Flora Films Production was released on VHS in the States by III Star
Releasing and can be easily obtained on DVD-R from various online
gray market sellers. Not Rated.
COURIER
OF DEATH (1984) - This inept,
though thoroughly entertaining, regional actioner (lensed in
Portland, Oregon) opens with professional courier J.D. (Joey Johnson)
and his partner Frank (Bill Hupfer) trying to outrun a bunch of goons
who want a briefcase containing $2 million that is handcuffed to
Frank's wrist, Unable to outrun the goons' Trans Am with their van,
J.D. and Frank pull into a park and get into a gunfight. Frank is
killed (He is shot in the leg and then point-blank in the head. When
one of the goons is unable to free the briefcase from Frank's wrist,
he blows off Frank's hand with a few well-placed shots from his
pistol!), but J.D. is able to kill all the goons and deliver the
briefcase. J.D.'s next assignment doesn't go well at all. His wife
Julie (Joan Becherich) is kidnapped and murdered before his eyes
after he turns over a briefcase he picked up in San Francisco. The
murderers behind Julie's death are the same people who hired the
goons to steal the briefcase from Frank, so J.D., who gets help from
his old Army commanding officer known only as "The Colonel"
(James Jameson), sets out to kill all those responsible for his
wife's death. The Colonel tells J.D. that those involved belong to a
fascist organization that supply money and weapons to terrorists, so
J.D. begins leaving a bunch of dead bodies in his wake as he inches
closer and closer to his goal. He kills three guys in a strip bar
when they refuse to answer his questions ("Wrong answer,
dude!"), saves his friend Nancy (Diana Bauer)
from two rapists (they torture her with knives and a lit cigarette)
and then shoots Nancy's pimp boyfriend at a bar (he shoots him in the
balls after slicing his face with a broken bottle). He then shotguns
five guys who try to attack him and his wife's best friend Katie
(Barbara Garrison) and then forces another guy to commit suicide
after he gives J.D. an important clue. The fascists send a female
assassin named Angel (Amy Sachel) to dispose of J.D. and she almost
succeeds (she kicks him between the legs several times with her
stiletto heels), but J.D. tricks her into drinking a poisoned glass
of champagne (the old "switch the poison glass" trick).
J.D. manages to kill nearly everyone in the fascist organization,
including ringleader Bigelow (John H. Schmeer, who was also this
film's Cinematographer), but soon finds out that the Colonel used him
to get the $76 million in bonds that Bigelow kept in a briefcase
(Doesn't anyone keep money in safes anymore?). To say anymore would
spoil the final surprise. I can't begin to describe how
impossibly infectious this film is. It should fail on all levels
(and, really, it does), but it is so logic-defying and non-stop
violent, you can't help but keep your eyes on the screen. It's like
watching a huge pile-up on the freeway where no one survives, only
all the dead bodies are the most ugly people this side of a trailer
park crackhouse (Just what is in Portland's water anyway? Why
is everyone in this film so butt-ugly?). Perm-headed Joey Johnson is
simply indescribable as J.D., who is supposed to abhor violence, but
quickly (and I do mean quickly) begins beating up (usually with his
handy collapsible baton) or killing as many people as humanly
possible. He's like Dirty Harry without the badge (or talent), as he
blows away people left and right, usually for just looking at him
funny. Director/producer Tom Shaw, who sadly never directed anything
else, fills the screen with so much bloody Grade Z action, including
shootings, stabbings, slashings and explosions, it's almost possible
to overlook Ron Schmidt's plothole-laden script (he was also this
film's Production Manager). Almost. People appear and disappear for
no rhyme or reason other than to be victims of J.D.'s revenge and the
finale left me shaking my head in disbelief. It really is one of the
looniest and out-of-left-field conclusions that I have witnessed in
quite a while. When director Shaw doesn't know how to end a scene, he
simply puts J.D. in the cockpit of a Piper Cub with his overweight
pilot friend, where they discuss what just happened! COURIER OF DEATH
could quite possibly be one of the finest examples where everything
goes wrong, yet it all gels as a whole, making this film one of the
most enjoyably bad U.S.-made action films of the 80's. I haven't even
touched the surface of what this film has to offer, including
terrible acting (watch Angel's scene), lousy sound editing (when J.D.
hears the guy's suicide, it sounds like a cap pistol muffled by a
pillow!) and unbelievable situations (including J.D. turning down
Katie's offer to take a shower with him because he's "not
ready"!). Oh, what fun you are going to have if you are lucky
enough to get your hands on a copy of this! The city of Portland
should use this film as a tourist attraction ("Come to Portland.
Chances are you are better-looking than us!" or "Hey, would
you like to have your child's life threatened at gunpoint? Then come
visit one of our many fine parks!"). Simply remarkable. Also
starring Mel Fletcher, Leo Gossen, Rebecca Steele and John Benneth.
Available on VHS from Lightning
Video. Not available on DVD. Not Rated.
THE
CRIME KILLER (1985) - Is it
possible for a film to be completely inept and still be entertaining
at the same time? After viewing this action abomination, I'm happy to
report that, yes, it is. In the opening, police detective Zeus
(director George Pan-Andreas) and his partner get into a shootout
with a drug gang (the guns sound like cap pistols and you can see the
wadding come out of the barrels) and, when some of the gang come
popping out of garbage cans (!), Zeus is stabbed (you can see the
rubber blade bend) and his partner is shot and killed (He says to
Zeus with his last dying breath, "Don't get soft!"). Zeus
is then forced to kill two crooked uniformed cops who were going to
kill him and take the gang's drug money. Zeus is kicked off the force
and is set to go on trial for killing the two cops (He complains to
his Police Chief, defending his reputation as a crime fighter: "I
was even buried alive for two whole days!"). When the President
of the United States (Jack
Bliesener) goes on TV and announces his war on drugs and crime, the
Police Chief (Leo G. Morrell) begs Zeus to come back (Zeus says,
"How can I come back now? You broke my heart!") when the
President's ex-wife and adoptive daughter are brutally murdered. Zeus
finally relents and rescues a young girl and she is able to pick out
one of the killers by his mug shot. When the little girl is killed by
the crime organization, Zeus gathers his Vietnam buddies together
(both of them) to exact some vengeance, but first they need some
strict military training to get into shape (this sequence is a real
howler, as Zeus and his comrades go through their training with a
no-nonsense drill sargeant while having flashbacks of their time as
P.O.W.s back in Nam). Once their training is done, Zeus and his two
buddies go on an all-out assault on the crime organization's
compound, armed with silencers, AK-47s and their own deadly hands.
Zeus begins to kill all the bad guys one-by-one (including one
memorable death with a switchblade hidden in his sleeve) until he
meets the female head of the organization, who tries to seduce Zeus,
but ends up dead by one of her own devices. Director George
Pan-Andreas, who speaks with such a thick Greek accent that he's hard
to understand on several occasions, has surely made a lousy film, but
it is so damned watchable and full of hilarious set pieces and
quotable dialogue, you'll be glad you watched it. My favorite scene
is when he gets into a martial arts/knife fight with one thug,
disarms him, cuts the thug's face and then proudly proclaims,
"They call me Zeus... The Crime Killer!" (The film's
alternate title is ZEUS:
THE CRIME KILLER) Another side-splitting scene finds Zeus
infiltrating the crime organization disguised as Pedro the Mexican
gardener, only he ends up getting beaten to a pulp, his throat
slashed and a cigarette extinguished on his leg! I could go on-and-on
about all the visual and auditory nuggets this film has to offer,
like when Zeus' wife says to him, "Is that all you care about,
justice and uzo?", but I would rather you experience them
first-hand as to get the full effect. Though basically a vanity
project for Pan-Andreas (he's the only actor listed in the crazy
opening credits), there's plenty of other stuff to laugh at, from the
badly-staged martial arts fights (Zeus screams like a little girl
every time he gets hit), to the unbelievable action sequences (check
out the motorcycle stunt which results in one of the main bad guys
getting a nasty tire burn on his face!). The film is very bloody in
spots, including a nasty throat slashing (the effects are
surprisingly well done) and wait until you get to the surreal ending
involving Zeus and the President. I was laughing so hard I nearly
pissed myself! This is cheese of the highest order and essential to
every badfilm fan. Pan-Andreas shot a sequel to this in 2003, titled GOLDEN
TARGET, but it has yet to surface legally in the U.S.. Also
starring Athan Karras, Mark Todd, John Stevens, Dean Murray, John
Womack and June Wallace Kean. A New
World Video Release. Not Rated.
CROSS
MISSION (1987) - In some
fictional Latin American country, ruler General Romero (Maurice Poli; URBAN
WARRIORS - 1987) declares war in the marijuana and cocaine
growers and, with the help of U.N. forces, begins burning down all of
the illegal drug farms. The General is not too cooperative with the
international press, though (and with good reason), so when nosy
reporter Helen (Brigitte Porsh) notices that American William Corbett
(Richard Randall) has arrived in-country secretly at the General's
request, she cozies-up to him and becomes his lover, looking for the
"big" story. William agrees to take her to visit the
General at his country home (after she and William are attacked
leaving a casino, where Helen proves quite adept in the martial arts)
and we learn that the General has strange Macumba supernatural
powers, like the ability to shoot electricity from his fingertips.
William and the General are business partners in an illegal drug
cartel (the General burned down all the drug farms not only to get
the U.N. off his back, but also to start his own drug business) and
the General has picked three parcels of land to start growing
marijuana and cocoa plants, telling William that those parcels of
land contain rare supernatural powers (Don't try making sense of it
all, just go with it because it gets stranger). The General agrees to
grant Helen an interview as a favor
to William, where he shows the extant of his powers by making a
dwarf called Astaroth (the late Nelson de la Rosa; THE
RAT MAN - 1987) appear and disappear at will and applies
some of his fingertip electrical skills on Helen's cranium (I told
you it gets stranger!). When William and Helen leave the General's
home, their Jeep breaks down and they hop on a passing bus, only to
have the bus attacked by some of the General's men. When a child on
the bus is shot dead, Helen goes bonkers, grabs a machine gun and
begins shooting back, killing several of the General's men. William
and Helen are then taken prisoner along with some Contra rebels and
the General makes them all work in the mines as slaves at the dreaded
"Gates of Paradise", a secret underground location where
something unknown and evil is going on. Willian and Helen are saved
by Contra leader David (Peter Hintz; APOCALYPSE
MERCENARIES - 1987, also starring Poli) and his main squeeze
Myra (Ana Silvia Grullon; BROTHERS
IN WAR - 1988) and they agree to help the Contras in
locating and freeing all the slaves that work at the Gates of
Paradise. This involves Contra women, including Myra, infiltrating
the camp as prostitutes and, while the guards are getting their rocks
off, David, William and the Contra fighters sneak in. It doesn't go
as planned. When Helen is taken prisoner and tortured by the General
and Astaroth, William reveals that he is actually a U.S. Marine
working undercover to bring down the General and leads the Contras on
a raid of the General's compound to rescue Helen (he fails miserably)
and stop the General's tyranny (at least he's successful there).
This Italian-made mixture of war action and supernatural shenanigans
may be strange, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it is good.
Unfortunately, it's a boring, confusing mess, so it should come as no
surprise that it was directed by Alfonso Brescia (using his frequent
"Al Bradley" pseudonym), the hack responsible for such
abominations as BATTLE OF
THE AMAZONS (1973), SUPER
STOOGES VS.
THE WONDER WOMEN (1974), IRON
WARRIOR (1987) and the handful of late-70's STAR
WARS imitations, which includes the atrocious STAR
ODYSSEY (1978). Most of the war action footage here is
cribbed from other Italian war films (especially Umberto Lenzi's BRIDGE
TO HELL [1986]) and the supernatural elements are woefully
underplayed, like they were an afterthought in Donald Russo's
screenplay when the production ran short and they needed to put in
something to increase the running time. The appearance of diminutive
Nelson de la Rosa as the general's magical sidekick is a treat but,
he, too, is underutilized and and only appears in a couple of scenes.
I really wanted to like CROSS MISSION
(also known as COMBAT ATTACK),
but it is nothing but one incomprehensible sequence after another
(including a Contra rebel named Miquel who breaks-out into a song
when asked if he will join William on the raid of the General's
compound!) and moves at a snail's pace. It's definitely not one of
the Big Boot's shining moments. Filmed in Santo Domingo in the
Dominican Republic, not in the Philippines as it is erroneously
listed on IMDB. Also starring
Jacobo Vasquez, Carlos Santos, Victor Checo and John L. Rock. Never
legitimately released on home video in the U.S.; the version I viewed
was sourced from a slightly letterboxed Japanese-subtitled VHS tape. Not
Rated, but there's not much in the way of blood or gore.
DAREDEVIL
COMMANDOS (1985) - A rare
Indonesian action misfire, this one taking place in the early 1940's,
as Indonesian freedom fighters try to wrestle their country away from
the Dutch occupational forces. The film opens with the freedom
fighters attacking a Dutch military base (lots of explosion and
people on both sides getting riddled with bullets), only to have the
Dutch capture the leader of the freedom fighters, who bites his own
tongue off when he is questioned and gets shot for not cooperating.
The Captain of the Dutch military base wants to question the
villagers as to where the freedom fighters, known as the Daredevil
Commandos, are hiding and kill all those who won't assist them, but
the Captain's second-in-command temporarily talks the Captain out of
it, because the eyes of the world are on Indonesia and a mass
slaughter of innocent people would not be in the best interest for
the Dutch. Sergeant Major Hassim (Barry Prima; THE
WARRIOR - 1981; THE
TERRORISTS - 1986), the new leader of the Daredevil
Commandos, begs his superiors for automatic weapons and
ammunition because they cannot protect all the villages and win the
war without them. Morale is also at an all-time low (Sgt. Hassim
kicks the shit out of one of his comrades when the man threatens to
report another soldier getting cozy with a female nurse), so when
Sgt. Hassim is offered a mission to investigate a burned-out village,
he grabs the rest of his team to investigate. It turns out to be a
trap set-up by the Dutch and that crazy Dutch Captain. Low on
ammunition, the Daredevil Commandos nevertheless win the battle using
sheer brute strength (One of the Daredevils is killed, though), which
severely pisses-off the Dutch Captain, who steps-up the brutality
(World view be damned!) by raping women and shooting innocent
villagers (Abib [Advent Bangun; THE
BLIND WARRIOR - 1985], one of Sgt. Hassim's Daredevils,
witnessed his sister and mother being raped by the Dutch when he was
younger and these newer instances are waking-up long-suppressed
memories). The Dutch are aware that the freedom fighters are running
low on weapons, ammunition and food, so they plan on one final
big-scale attack to wipe them off the face of the Earth. What the
Dutch didn't count on is the resiliency of the Indonesian people, as
the Daredevil Commandos plan to strike the Dutch where it will hurt
them the worst: At their huge compound where the Dutch store a large
cache of weapons, ammunition and food. It seems the only way to truly
surprise the Dutch at the compound is to climb down a huge vertical
cliff, so Sgt. Hassim and his men train hard for the mission. Will
this be the mission that will finally make the Dutch exit Indonesia
for good? Compared to most Indonesian actioners, DAREDEVIL
COMMANDOS seems more subdued in the violence department than
most, which is weird since it was written by Iman Tantowi, who wrote
the screenplays for such ultra-violent Indonesian films such as PRIMITIVES
(1978), SATAN'S SLAVE
(1982) and THE DEVIL'S SWORD
(1984). The direction, by E.G. Bakker (who has no other film credits
that I can find and may be a pseudonym), is rather flat and
uninvolving, and he seems more interested in patriotic speeches
rather than action through the first two-thirds of the film (at one
point, just before a battle, the Daredevil Commandos break out into a
patriotic song that begins with "Indonesia, you are my
country..."). When the final battle does come at the Dutch
compound (but not before more singing and prayers), it turns into a
pretty bloody and stunt-filled extravaganza, with plenty of
explosions, gunfights and bullet squibs, but it still pales in
comparison to most Indonesian actioners because it doesn't contain a
single "What The Fuck?!?" moment, something we've come to
expect from these flicks. In all good faith, I can't honestly
recommend DAREDEVIL COMMANDOS.
Even the climatic rock avalanche is filmed for minimal impact. A
rare loser from Producer Gope T. Samtani and Rapi Films. Also
starring Dicky Zulkarnaen, Kaharuddin Sjah, Harry Capri, Johan
Saimima, Yenny Farida, Wieke Widowati, Didier Hamel, Herve F. Dusart,
V.S. Alexander and Gino Makasutji. Never legitimately available on
home video in the U.S.; the print I viewed was sourced from the
English-dubbed British VHS tape on the AVR Home Entertainment label. Not
Rated.
DAY
OF THE COBRA (1980) - Pretty
poor example of a "Poliziotteschi" (Italian Crime) film,
which is disappointing considering the talent in front and behind the
camera. The film opens with a man in a big black hat, black gloves (a
staple of giallo films) and carrying a cane with a spring-loaded
blade killing a man in Genoa, Italy, one of his thugs finding a key
taped to his torso. We then meet ex-San Francisco
cop Larry Stanziani (Franco Nero; HITCH
HIKE - 1978), now a private dick, as he follows a cheating
wife. Larry, who is nicknamed "Cobra" (because he strikes
fast) is contacted by his ex-boss Jack Goldsmith (William Berger; THE
BIG BUST-OUT - 1972), who offers Cobra his job back if he
goes to Genoa to capture his arch-enemy Serge Kadinsky. Cobra jumps
at the chance since Kadinsky was the person who got him fired. Also,
his young son, Tim (Carlo Gabriel Sparanero), is at a Catholic
boarding school in Genoa. Cobra hasn't seen his son in quite a while,
ever since his wife was murdered.
Cobra flies to Genoa, where he visits his son and gets in touch with
old friend Davide (Mario Maranzana; THE
DEAD ARE ALIVE - 1972), who acts like Cobra's source of
vital information. Davide tells Cobra if he wants to find Kadinsky he
will have to talk to Raul Papasian (Mickey Knox; CEMETERY
MAN - 1994), who runs a successful import/export buisness
that may be running drugs for Kadinsky. This leads Cobra to a disco,
where junkie prostitute Lola (Licinia Lentini; WAR
OF THE ROBOTS - 1978) and the beautiful Brenda (Sybil
Danning; EYE IN
THE LABYRINTH - 1972) give cobra some vital information (When
Brenda pulls a gun on Cobra, he slaps the shit out of her.). Brenda
and Cobra start a love affair, but can she be trusted?
We soon find out that Kadinsky is the man in the black hat and
gloves and he knows Cobra's every move, killing anyone who could give
information to Cobra and attempting several times to take Cobra's
life, all unsuccessful. The biggest problem Cobra runs up against is
that everyone he talks to is deathly afraid to talk about Kadinsky.
When Papasian tells Cobra that Kadinsky is dead, we must figure out
if he really is.
Let me talk about this film's bad points: The action is lazily
staged, the violence too restrained for its own good (in the film's
defense, the print I viewed may have been edited) and the dialogue
laughable, but not in a funny way. The usually dependable Franco Nero
looks to be sleepwalking through his role as Cobra. His
"trademark" in this film is spitting out his gum or
sticking it in unusual places, like a thug's forehead. It is supposed
to be funny, but it comes off as forced (Nero's mouth is always
moving, even when he doesn't talk!). It's also obvious that Nero used
a stuntman for some of his more strenuous scenes, including jumping
and climbing from building-to-building (another "trademark")
and a long fight scene in an alleyway. Even when Cobra's son Tim is
killed, run over on orders by Goldsmith, the film rings hollow. We
see Cobra crying, as he has memories of the good times he and Tim had
(including an uncomfortable game of two-man baseball where it is
apparent Nero didn't know how to swing a bat at a ball). In the very
next scene, it looks as if he has gotten over it. Director Enzo
G. Castellari has certainly done much better, including the
post-apocalypse films 1990:
THE BRONX WARRIORS - 1982; its sequel BRONX
WARRIORS 2 - 1983 and even the Poliziotteschi films THE
HEROIN BUSTERS (1977) and STREET
LAW (1974; also starring Nero) are superior to this film.
The screenplay, by Fabio & Tito Carpi (SEVEN
MURDERS FOR SCOTLAND YARD - 1971), from a story idea from
Aldo Lado (director of the great giallo WHO
SAW HER DIE? - 1972), is uninvolving and basic, offering no
surprises. For crying out loud, even the stunningly gorgeous Sybil
Danning doesn't bother to offer up any naked flesh!
Here are some of the few positive points: When Lola gets into a
fight with Cobra in an empty disco (she uses martial arts moves to
kick the crap out of him!), it is revealed Lola is actually a man.
Their fight is made to look
like they are dancing on the disco floor, making it the film's most
inventive scene. Still, it's a cheat on the audience since Licinia
Lentini is actually a woman and an obvious double was used when
unmasking her false femininity. There are also a couple of deaths
that are memorable. When a blonde assassin (Sasha D'Arc; THE
SHERIFF AND THE SATELLITE KID - 1979) fails to kill Cobra,
it leads to a chase that ends in a gunfight. Cobra shoots a drum of
gasoline, sending the assassin high into the air. There is also a
scene where Cobra is trapped in a warehouse and he gets away by
planting a pickaxe into Martino's (the late Ennio Girolami,
Castellari's brother, who acted using the name "Thomas
Moore"; THE FEAST OF SATAN
- 1971) stomach. Unfortunately, both deaths are bloodless.
The only release this film received in the United States was a
fullscreen VHS release from Media
Home Entertainment. It looks to be edited in some scenes, the
most notable edits come during Tim's death (Italian crime films have
no problem showing children getting killed) and the finale, when
Cobra enters Goldsmith's office and point his gun at him, accusing
Jack of ordering his son's death (we even get a peek at the boy's
killing in Cobra's mind, images that were missing from the film at
the time of the Tim's death). We hear the gun go off and then there
is a jump edit where Cobra enters an elevator. Although Kadinsky's
face is purposely kept off-screen, the one time we do get an obscured
look at his face, it is that of Michele Soavi, future director of THE
CHURCH (1989) and THE SECT
(1991), two films I consider to be the last good Italian horror films
to be made before the Italian genre film market collapsed (and still
hasn't recovered from). Also look for Castellari's daughter, Stefania
Girolami Goodwin, as Papasian's secretary and Castellari himself as
one of the thugs in the warehouse shootout. All in all, this is a
very minor film in a genre of Italian movies that are usually violent
and exciting. Also starring Massimo Vanni (a.k.a. "Alex
McBride"; RATS: NIGHT OF TERROR
- 1983), Romano Puppo (THE
GREAT ALLIGATOR - 1979), Angelo Ragusa and Rocco Lerro.
Shot under the title IL
GIORNO DEL COBRA which, for once, is actually the literal
translation of the review title. The lyrics to the film's title tune
(which sounds like it was sung by a drunk Italian!) goes: "I
dont give a damn, I am the Cobra. Nobody tells me what to do!"
Well, I'm telling you to look elsewhere. There are far more
entertaining Italian crime films out there. Try ALMOST
HUMAN (1974) if you want to see one done right. A Media Home
Entertainment VHS Release. No DVD or Blu-Ray release at the time of
this review. Not Rated, but no nudity and very little blood.
DEADLY
IMPACT (1984) - Two lovers, Harry
and Kathy, have figured out how to beat the slot machines in Las
Vegas using computerized gizmos and for the last ten weeks have taken
the casinos for over $300,000, which they plan on using to buy a
horse farm. The only problem is, sadistic crooks Al (John Morghen)
and Kurt (Vincent Conte) have caught on to their scam and they kill
Harry (by drowning him in a bathtub) before he is able to tell them
where he has hidden the money. Phoenix cop George Ryan (Bo Svenson)
is called to the scene of the crime and catches Al and Kurt
ransacking the place, which leads to a pretty good car chase (lots of
crashes and stunts) and a shootout on the rooftop of a building,
where George gets shot several times in the chest. Luckily, he was
weraring a bulletproof vest. George's Nam buddy, helicopter pilot and
con man Lou (Fred Williamson), who was with George during the car
chase, finds a clue in the bad guys' car and soon George and Lou are
just one step behind Al and Kurt, who are hunting down Kathy (Marcia
Clingan) and a $300,000 payday. George and Lou's investigation leads them
to Las Vegas, where they learn of Kathy's involvement in the casino
scam. When George gets too close to the truth, Al and Kurt ambush him
on a lonely desert road, causing him to crash his car, but Lou
rescues him with his helicopter and chase the bad guys again. Al and
Kurt manage to give them the slip (again) and kill George's
girlfriend Nancy (Karen De Witt) after they make her give George
false information (she sends him to a gay bar!). The bad guys then
kidnap Kathy and take her away in a helicopter, where she takes them
to an abandoned ranch where the money is hidden. George and Lou are
in hot pursuit and the finale finds the bad guys getting killed, then
George and Lou head to Vegas and get rich on the slot machines using
the deceased Harry's computer gizmos. Sometimes crime does pay.
This Italian production, filmed on location in Las Vegas, Nevada and
Phoenix, Arizona is a pretty good comedy action film and Bo Svenson
and Fred Williamson look like they are having a ball, even if some of
the dialogue is clunky. Director/producer/co-scripter Fabrizio
DeAngelis (the THUNDER
WARRIOR and KARATE
WARRIOR series), using his frequent pseudonym "Larry
Ludman", tosses in many car chases (lots of crashes, jumps and
flips in slow-motion), gun fights and a helicopter chase to please
action fans. The gay bar scene doesn't make an ounce of sense, but it
sure is funny. It's as if DeAngelis and co-scripter Dardano Sacchetti
(using his "David Parker Jr." pseudonym) threw that scene
in for no reason other than to see how many men could act
"gay" at one time (like some crazy bar wager). Italian
exploitation vet John Morghen (HOUSE
ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK - 1979; CANNIBAL
HOLOCAUST
- 1980) plays his typical sleazy, greasy bad guy role with elan. He
kills people showing no emotion, killing George's girlfriend by
putting two bullets point-blank into her head and shooting Kathy in
the back in the film's finale, never breaking his blank stare. DEADLY
IMPACT is an enjoyable time waster that is good for a few
laughs, a few thrills and some good on-location photography (this was
back when Vegas was still somewhat fun, before the corporations took
over ownership from the Mob). The only aspect of this film that seems
dated is the early 80's computer imagery and a serious faux paus that
happens over the opening credits (when Harry sticks an RJ11 plug into
an RJ45 jack), not to mention some ridiculous, totally made-up
computer jargon that Svenson has to try to say convincingly with a
straight face (he doesn't succeed). The chemistry between Williamson
and Svenson seems real and they would later appear together in THE
KILL REFLEX (1989), STEELE'S
LAW (1991) and THREE
DAYS TO A KILL (1991), all for director Williamson (and his
Po' Boy Productions). They first appeared together in director Enzo.
G. Castellari's INGLORIOUS BASTARDS
(1978; aka: COUNTERFEIT COMMANDOS,
DEADLY MISSION and G.I.
BRO) and also appeared together in DELTA
FORCE COMMANDO (1987). Also starring Alain Blondeau, Norma
Thyssen, Rik Wallace, Bill Dunun, Genie Thompson and Wanita Brown.
Originally released on VHS by Vestron
Video and available on DVD from various budget labels, including
Westlake Entertainment. Not Rated.
DEAD
PRESIDENTS (1995)
- The Hughes Brothers (Allen & Albert) make their sophomore
effort a truly absorbing experience thanks to wonderful acting, a
keen sense of pacing and extreme bursts of graphic violence. Set
during the Vietnam era, the story revolves around a young black man
(an excellent Larenz
Tate) and his struggles to find a way to support his pregnant
girlfriend after graduating high school. He joins the Marines because
he wants to fight for his country, but he soon learns that the war is
not the place to escape reality. After completing his tour of duty,
he returns home to the Bronx. Unable to find a good job, he and his
buddies plan an armored car robbery, hoping to collect a few hundred
thousand dollars of old untraceable money that the government plans
to burn. But things go terribly wrong. This may sound like a generic
plot, but the Hughes Brothers pull it off with a sense of flair and
urgency. As with their first film, MENACE
II SOCIETY
(1993), violence plays a major role. In this film it is downright
brutal. During the war scenes, heads are chopped off, a soldier has
his stomach slit open and his dismembered penis shoved in his mouth
and, in one unbelievable scene, a soldier steps on a land mine and is
blown to bits. Even after doing a frame-by-frame search of this
scene, I still couldnt spot the cut from human to dummy. It is
masterful. The violence at home is no less gruesome. People are shot
in the head, crushed by moving cars and riddled with bullets. Even
though it is gory, the violence is not the driving force behind this
film. The story is filled with interesting characters and, for once,
white people are not portrayed as raving bigots. This took guts from
a black filmmaking team. DEAD
PRESIDENTS
(a street term for U.S. paper currency) is a rare chance to watch an
action film filled with people you care about and, as in real life,
not every story has a happy ending. The Hughes Brothers (FROM
HELL - 2001; THE BOOK OF ELI
- 2010) are to be congratulated on turning out a film that rates high
on the emotional scale and still delivers the adrenaline rush that
action fans like me crave. Also starring Keith David (THEY
LIVE
- 1988), Bokeem Woodbine (THE
ROCK
- 1996), Chris Tucker (RUSH
HOUR
- 1998), NBushe Wright, Freddy Rodriguez (SIX
FEET UNDER [2001 - 2005]) and cameo appearances by Seymour
Cassel and Martin Sheen (who is fast becoming a cameo expert). A
Hollywood Pictures Home Video Release.
Rated R.
DEATH
BLOW (1979) - Here's your chance
to see champion heavyweight boxer Duane Bobick in his only starring
role and after watching his performance, you will know why his acting
career was much shorter than his boxing career (as a professional
boxer from 1973 to 1979, Bobick had a record of 48 wins and 4 losses;
42 of those wins by knockout). This South Africa-lensed boxing
actioner stars Bobick as Billyboy Lamont, a burly dock worker and
university student who wants to be a professional boxer like his
father, Don (screenwriter Willie Von Rensburg), but dear old Pop
discourages him from doing so, telling him, "This, my boy, is
what fifteen years of fighting and being champ has got me: Ten acres
of lousy, bloody ground, an old house, a few animals, that's all.
There's a new champ, Billy, and he belongs to another family."
The new champ is Terry Bendell (Tullio Moneta), whose mother,
Josephine (Molly Softel), reaches sexual ecstasy while watching her
son box in the ring (incest is implied). Terry has a diminutive
brother named Mike (Dawie Malan), who is estranged from mother
Josephine, probably due to her hands-on approach to managing Terry's
career (even though Mike is officially Terry's manager) and her
indifferent treatment
of him. Billyboy secretly practices boxing in a gym away from his
father's prying eyes (Pop would rather Billyboy "hit the
books" and make something out of his life) and has become quite
good at it (Bobick looks at least 15 years too old to be portraying a
guy supposedly college age). When Pop catches Billyboy at the gym
instead of studying at the university, he decides to teach him a
lesson and challenges Billyboy to a boxing match in the ring.
Billyboy doesn't want to do it, but when his father hits him in the
face and body with a few good shots, he retaliates with one hard
punch, sending Pop flying across the ring and paralyzing him for
life. When Josephine reads the story in the paper (she holds some
as-yet unknown grudge against Billyboy's father), she tells Terry
that maybe someday he will do the same thing to Billyboy in the ring.
Meanwhile, the short-statured Mike catches the eye of barmaid Janet
(Barbara Salberg) at a disco and accidentally gets her fired from her
job. He feels so bad about it that he promises to get her a better
job, but she doesn't believe him. Mike gets Janet a job as a maid at
the Bendell household, but Josephine tells him to keep his hands off
of her now that she is the hired help. We also learn that Terry is
actually the son of Billyboy's father, but he left Josephine alone
and pregnant to marry Martha (Trix Pienaar), who gave birth to
Billyboy nine month later. Josephine has been holding that grudge for
many, many years and after marrying a millionaire and giving birth to
the dwarf-like Mike (did I mention she despises him and treats him
like shit?), she has groomed Terry to be her means of retribution.
Terry has grown up to be a first class lout and ends up screwing
Janet even though he knows that Mike has feelings for her (When
Josephine tells Terry that Janet is "beneath him", he
replies coldly, "I know. But she's handy."). Billyboy
decides to become a professional boxer, even though his father may
have permanently damaged Billyboy's kidneys during their fight
(Billyboy can't take a leak without pissing blood.). He fights a
series of boxers and works his way up the ranks until, yes, you
guessed it, he becomes the number one contender against Terry. Which
one of these "brothers from different mothers" will turn
out to be champ? This totally boring boxing drama, directed by
Tim Spring (REASON TO DIE
- 1989; DOUBLE BLAST
- 1994; RAW TARGET
- 1995), shows why most boxers shouldn't become actors. Boxing may be
an art form, but so is acting. Duane Bobick couldn't be more wooden
if you stuffed him full of cedar chips and his stabs at emoting is
pitiful and not in a "so bad, it's hilarious" way. When his
girlfriend, Velma (Kim Braden), is raped by Terry (she is sexually
assaulted fully clothed by Terry in a gym ring while intercut with
one of Billyboy's bouts), his reaction is worse than no reaction at
all. It is like he just picked up a carton of eggs at the store and
found one of them broken! The fault is not all Bobick's, as the
acting is generally poor across the board (Tullio Moneta as Terry is
really, really bad) and the only person here who generates any
sympathy is Dawie Malan as Mike, but that's mainly because he is
small and abused by everyone (When Janet commits suicide, Terry
laughs in Mike's face, not exactly the reaction Mike was expecting!).
There is some bloody violence on view, but most of it is outside the
ring (nearly all the boxing matches are economically filmed and lack
the "oomph" we've come to expect after the commercial
success of ROCKY [1976], which
this film so clearly tries to emulate). There's a gunshot to the
head, Velma's rape, a dockside fight and a couple of other incidents,
but nothing to make you stand up and take notice. DEATH BLOW
is an instantly forgettable boxing actioner that offers nothing new
or interesting to the viewer besides the funky South African accents.
Also starring Norman Coombs, Charles McHunu, Ed Kannemeyer, Paddy
Norval and Zack Du Plessis. Originally released on VHS in the United
States by Best Film & Video Corporation under the title BILLYBOY.
The version I viewed was sourced from a British VHS release using
the alternate title. Not available on DVD. Rated R.
DEATH
FEUD (1987) - Let
me start off by saying that this is not a good film. It's poorly
acted, written and suffers from some bad continuity problems. It has
plenty of flesh but very little nudity. The few action scenes are
haphazardly staged and shot. Yet, for some reason (I still haven't
put my finger on it), it is highly compelling. Frank Stallone
(Sylvester's more talented actor/musician brother)
portrays a merchant seaman, home on shore leave, who falls in love
with drug-addicted hooker Anna (Karen Mayo-Chandler). Anna belongs to
the evil Mr. Caine (Anthony Caruso), a white slave trader. Frank
cleans her up and promises to marry her after his next (and last) six
month stint at sea. He plans on buying an avacado farm (!), where
they both plan to live happily ever after. While Frank is out at sea,
Mr. Caine kidnaps Anna, rehooks her on drugs and makes her
re-establish herself as a whore. When Frank returns to land and
cannot locate Anna, he enlists the aide of his seaman buddy (Chris
Mitchum) and a prostitute (Lisa Loring) to help him track her down.
When they finally locate Anna, she is walking the streets, strung-out
and looking for Johns (she offers to take Frank and Chris on for
fifty bucks!). She finally recognizes Frank and runs away, only to be
purposely be hit by a truck by one of Caine's goons. Frank goes on a
rampage, systematically wiping out Caine's henchmen (including
Nicholas Worth of DON'T
ANSWER THE PHONE
[1980] in a thankless role), leaving Frank pointing his revolver at
Caine's crotch (he does pull the trigger). In a cop-out ending, all
the good guys have a happy ending. This crazy, disjointed film was
directed by Carl Monson (he also made films using his real name,
"Carlos Monsoya"), who also directed PLEASE
DON'T EAT MY MOTHER
(1973; a.k.a. GLUMP,
HUNGRY
PETS
and SEX POT SWINGERS),
a personal favorite of Psychotronic editor Michael Weldon. Monson
also turns in this flick's best performance as Harold, the openly gay
desk clerk of one of Caine's whore motels. He is constantly getting
roughed up by Frank and the goons. Monson even dresses in women's
clothing and has a crying jag in one of the film's key scenes.
Co-star Anthony Caruso has done his share of exploitation films,
appearing in such diverse fare as ZEBRA
FORCE
(1976) and CLAWS
(1977). The majority of Chris Mitchum's scenes consist of him sitting
at a bar drinking beer and watching dancer Greta Blackburn (PARTY
LINE
- 1988) shake her mammary glands. It's still a step up from his role
in the abominable EXECUTIONER
PART 2
(1983). Frank Stallone has made a career for himself in B films,
starring in such films as THE
PINK CHIQUITAS
(1986), OUTLAW
FORCE
(1987) and FEAR (1988).
In all, DEATH
FEUD
is unusual enough to merit your attention. A Southgate
Entertainment Home Video Release. Not available on DVD. Not
Rated.
DEATH
IS NIMBLE, DEATH IS QUICK (1966) -
This Germany/Italy/France co-production is the second entry in the Kommissar
X series (1966 - 1971). Filmed in Ceylon (now known as Sri
Lanka), this Eurospy flick has some excellent travelogue footage
(it's not stock footage, as the actors are put in the middle of the
action, giving it an air of realism) and it is also an early example
of showing karate in use (and not as a gimmick).
The bad guys in this film are a criminal organization
known as "The Golden Cats". They send King (Dan Vadis; HIGH
PLAINS DRIFTER - 1973), a champion karate expert, to kidnap
Babs Lincoln (Ann Smyrner; REPTILICUS
- 1961), the daughter of an American ambassador in Ceylon. While Babs
uses her Super 8MM camera to film an ancient ritual/parade praising
Buddha on the streets of Ceylon, King knocks out Babs with chloroform
(in front of hundreds of people!) and kidnaps her, throwing Babs into
the back of his car. Babs' friend/chaperone, Mr. Rogers (Paul
Eeckmann), witnesses the kidnapping and gives chase in his sporty
convertible. Apparently, King's vehicle is capable of spitting out
grenades (it's confusing), as an explosion goes off in front of Mr.
Rogers convertible and it overturns. He soon finds out that it's a
not-so-nice day in the neighborhood, as Mr. Rogers grabs a sword he
keeps in the back of his car (!) and battles King. King wins, dealing
Mr. Rogers a karate death blow to his temple, while Babs escapes out
of the car by pinning a local goon's arm in the window of the car's
door. King and his thugs leave empty-handed when the police show up,
Babs telling them what has just happened.
Luckily, there's a law-abiding karate expert in Ceylon to combat the
bad guys. Yes, it's Capt. Tom Rowland (Brad Harris; THE
MAD BUTCHER - 1972), who is in Ceylon for a police
conference (He sure does go to a lot of them, a running joke in the
series). Tom gives a skeptical audience a demonstration of the power
of karate, by hitting a solid cube of metal and leaving his fistprint
in it (!), but he still calls old frenemy Agent Jo Walker (Tony
Kendall; YETI: GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY
- 1977), code name "Kommissar X", to come to Ceylon to help
him battle the bad guys.
As soon as Jo steps off the plane (with two stewardesses on his
arms, another running joke in the series) he notices that he is being
watched, mainly by a mysterious exotic beauty named Michele
(Michèle Mahaut). The ambassador's nephew, Philip Dawson
(Philippe Lemaire; SPIRITS
OF THE DEAD - 1968), greets Jo at the airport and mentions
the exotic beauty watching him, but Jo tells him he noticed every
woman in the crowd, even Babs, who walked away disgusted when she saw
him with the two stewardesses (Another running joke is that every
woman finds Jo irresitible, even to the point of jealousy on the
first sight of him, which seems to be Babs' problem!). Jo sneaks up
on Tom in his hotel room and with one punch, Tom sends him flying
across the room and through the door of the adjoining hotel room,
which is occupied by Babs, who is in the middle of changing her
clothes. While Jo is on the floor admiring Babs' form, he notices a
small tape recorder hidden under one of her tables (she's being
bugged). Jo removes the tape recorder and Tom tells Babs that he
needs to talk to her about Mr. Rogers' death. When Jo goes to his
hotel room, he finds Michele waiting for him. It turns out she's the
assistant manager of the hotel and she asks Jo whether he takes a
bath or a shower (it's a shower). Knowing that is a strange question
to ask a stranger, Jo immediately knows something is up and he's
right. His bathtub is full of flesh-dissolving acid and when he goes
to the bathroom, he hears someone sneaking into his room. Jo moans
out loud, as if the acid is dissolving his body. The thug enters the
bathroom to see the results and a short scuffle ensues, resulting in
Jo throwing the thug in the bathtub. Inspector DaSilva (A. Jayaratna)
arrives at Jo's room and, after seeing the thug's dissolved corpse,
tells Jo that the Golden Cats usually dump their victims' bodies in
the sewer and this isn't the first time he has seen an acid-washed
corpse (unfortunately, we never get to see the body). King, along
with goons Nitro (Siegfried Rauch; CONTAMINATION
- 1980) and Sunny (H.D. Kalatunga), are at the hotel bar, keeping a
close eye on Jo and Tom. They think Jo was killed in the shower and
are surprised to see him with the Inspector and Babs in the hotel
lounge, so they must think of another way to kill him.
Michele sneaks into Nitro's hotel room and tries to do something to
his phone, but Nitro enters unexpectedly, forcing Michele to hide.
She overhears Nitro telling King that he plans on blowing up Jo with
some nitroglycerine (They don't call him Nitro for nothing!) and
tells King how he plans to do it. King walks down to the lounge,
placing a small bottle of nitroglycerine on a table next to Jo, Tom,
Babs and the Inspector. Babs recognises King, but she tells the
Inspector that he seems familiar, but she can't place the face
(Really? C'mon now!). Meanwhile, Nitro catches Michele in his room
and ties her up, while he is on the terrace, pointing a sniper rifle
at the small bottle on the table. Tom sees a reflection in the sun of
the scope of the sniper rifle and begins firing his pistol in Nitro's
direction, causing him to miss the bottle. Jo hands Tom the bottle
and he throws it into the ocean, where it explodes. This leads to a
pretty good rooftop chase between Tom and King, both of them using a
palm tree to reverse pole vault to the ground (!). King escapes but
Sunny is captured. He then escapes by jumping off a bridge on to a
moving train, the Inspector, Jo and Tom giving chase in Jeeps. The
Inspector proves what a crack shot he is by shooting Sunny in the
head, while his Jeep speeds over tough beach terrain. Philip Dawson
tells Jo and Tom that Sunny was a member of the Golden Cats, but Jo
and Tom are suspicious of the Inspector, because he excused himself
just before Nitro fired his sniper rifle and they both think he acted
a little too quick on the draw when he shot Sunny in the head. Is it
possible that Inspector DaSilva is a member of the Golden Cats?
Jo goes for a swim in the ocean, but first, Tom gives him a
cigarette with a load in it (Because Jo always complains when Tom
asks him for a cigarette. In this series, they always play practical
jokes on each other.). Jo knows something is up and gives the
cigarette to the Inspector's assistant, Khamar (Joe Abey), who lights
the cigarette and it explodes in his face (Khamar tells Tom that he
should arrest Jo for attempted murder!). Jo meets a bikini-clad Babs
on the beach and she slaps Jo's face when she thinks he is getting
fresh with him, but it's a crab walking across her bosom! It's not
long before Babs starts making googly eyes at Jo because, well, he's
irresistable. A little later, Khamar gives them a tip, so Tom and Jo
take jitneys through the streets of Ceylon to talk to a female
photographer who may have taken photos key to their investigation.
When they get to her house, they find her dead in her bed, a apparent
victim of a poisoning. In her hand is a small golden cat statue, the
criminal organization's calling card. They find her young son is in
the house looking for something to eat. He walks up to Jo and Tom and
says, "Why doesn't Mama get up?" (Do I hear violins?).
Michele then appears at the house, telling the crime-fighting duo
that the photographer was her brother's wife and her best friend,
also telling them that the Golden Cats killed her sister. She gives
them some important information about the Golden Cats, which leads Jo
and Tom to an all-female karate school, where the Inspector is hiding
Babs so she'll be "safe".
For reasons still not clear to me, the perpetually drunk Philip
Dawson is in Bombay, India to pay the Golden Cats a million dollars.
Dawson picks up the money at a small airport, where King has a cobra
bite and kill Dawson's taxi driver and he pretends to be his driver.
It turns out that Dawson stole the money under false pretenses (What
they are is beyond me) and plans on keeping it all for himself. While
he is in the back seat of the taxi fondling the money between his
fingers, King gasses and kills
him, dumping his dead body off a bridge to the river below. Jo and
Tom learn of Dawson's treachery and try to stop him, not knowing that
he is already dead. Jo figures out what is going on (Damned if I know
how!) and both he and Tom save the day, defeating the Golden Cats and
making Ceylon safe once again for Babs.
If it seems Babs is not in the film as much as she should be, it's
because actress Ann Smyrner caught a serious case of blood poisoning
in Ceylon and had to be hospitalized hile the majority of the film
was being shot, forcing some major rewrites to the script. That may
be why this film is so confusing. There's is a lot of talk about a
"Mr. Farrow", but we never see him, only hearing his voice
over the phone. He has a lot to do with the Golden Cats, but since we
never see him, his role in the plot seems moot. Director/screenwriter
Rudolf Zehetgruber (the German 'krimi" THE
BLACK COBRA - 1963; and the Herbie, the Love Bug clone film
series SUPERBUG
[1971-1975]), who also has a small role in the film (using the name
"Rolf Zehett"), does what he can with his quickly rewritten
screenplay, tossing in a deadly plot about a "bacteria bomb"
during the finale, but since it was never mentioned during the rest
of the film, it seems tacked-on. Still, both Tony Kendall and Brad
Harris have an easy-going chemistry that carries the film and Harris
has a standout karate fight with fellow bodybuilder (and peplum star)
Dan Vadis, which is the highlight of the film. There's also an
elephant stampede, a boat chase, a plane/car explosion and, in the
finale, a female elephant falls in love with Jo, proving him to be
irresistible to females of any species! It may not make much sense
but, like the other entries in the series, it is breezy entertainment
of the first degree, so check your brain at the door and enjoy!
Filmed as KOMMISSAR
X - DREI GELBE KATZEN ("Kommissar X - Three Yellow
[Golden] Cats"), this film use to be shown on TV regularly
during the late-'60s to early-'70s before disappearing (The series
was part of a package of retitled German Edgar Wallace krimis.
Remember them?). Never legitimately available on VHS in the
U.S. (only available from gray market sellers like Something Weird
Video and Sinister Cinema). This film (and the rest of the series)
made an appearance on DVD-R when Sinister
Cinema transferred their library to disc, before Retromedia
Entertainment released this film as part of a triple
feature of Kommissar X films on pressed DVD (long OOP). I saw
this film on Retromedia's free streaming site, Retromedia TV. Just
like their DVD, the print is in fullscreen, but watchable. Also
starring Werner Hauff (who produced this series as "Theo M.
Werner"), Yi Feng (STONER
- 1974), Erno Grisa and Chandrika Liyanage as the poisoned
photographer. Not Rated.
DEATH
RAIDERS (1984) - A provincial
Governor and his two daughters are kidnapped by the evil Karamat and
his trigger-happy men. After a treacherous trek through the jungle,
Karamat and his prisoners finally arrive at his fortress, which is
heavily fortified with men with guns and a series of maze-like caves.
The government deems an air attack or a full-on ground assault too
dangerous, so they reform the Death Raiders, a small group of Black
Ops. soldiers headed by Captain Barone, to penetrate Karamat's
fortress and rescue the Governor and his daughters. So begins this
enjoyable (sometimes for the wrong reasons) action film from the
Philippines, as Captain Barone rounds-up all the ex-members
of his squad; from a disco (with the prerequisite bar fight), a
police hostage situation (with the prerequisite attempted rape scene)
and helping an alcoholic member free his girlfriend from a mafia
whorehouse. Meanwhile, Karamat's son, who disagrees with his father's
political views, unsuccessfully tries to lead the prisoners to
freedom. When Karamat catches him, he ties him up in the middle of
town and beats the stuffing oput of him with his bare hands in front
of all the citizens. This does not sit too well with Karamat's wife,
who secretly plans a revolution with a sympathetic rebel in town.
After Captain Barone and his men train to get into shape, they set
out on their mission to Karamat's stronghold. They make it to the
cave where the Governor and his daughters are being held and they get
an unexpected hand from Karamat's wife and son. From then on, the
group try to make it through the jungle to safety, before the Army
does a full air and ground attack on the compound. Members will be
lost on the way as Captain Barone and his men must fight an
inexhaustable supply of Karamat's soldiers, even as some of Barone's
men return to Karamat's compound to rescue innocent women and
children. Directed and co-written with a lot of intentional
humor (check out the disco and whorehouse scenes) by Segundo Ramos (SUICIDE
FORCE - 1982), this film has a lot going for it (especially
the early martial arts fights, including an inventive, almost comic
book-like, use of a spinning bar stool), but stops dead in it's
tracks every time it goes back to the Karamat father-son conflict.
This film works best when it concentrates on the Death Raiders
themselves and their comradarie, which seems natural and unforced
(it's apparent these actors, including Johnny Wilson [DEVIL'S
THREE - 1979] and George Estregan [CLASSIFIED
OPERATION - 1985], here using the name "George
Regan", have worked together many times before this film). As
with most Filipino action films, this one contains more than a few
scenes of attempted rape (but, surprisingly, no nudity), including a
comical scene where a bunch of Karamat's soldiers fight each other in
the middle of a lake as they try to rape one of the Governor's
daughters. While most of the action in the latter-half of the film is
basically gunfights and explosions, the film has a kinetic energy
that's infectious and fun to watch. I was taken aback by the abrupt
ending, but that's a small complaint to an otherwise highly watchable
film and, at 80 minutes, it doesn't overstay it's welcome. Also
starring George Pallance, Ramon Zamora, Rudolfo Boy Garcia, Renato
Del Prado, Robert Lee, June Ariston, Raquel Montesa and Joel Alano. A
Les Productions et Distributions Videodrome Inc. (PDV) Home Video
Release. Also available on a bootleg 10-film DVD compilation called MERCS
from those thieving bastards at VideoAsia. Not Rated.
THE
DEVASTATOR (1985) - Deacon Porter
(Rick Hill) has nightmares where he's transported back to Vietnam (in
footage cribbed from FINAL
MISSION - 1984) and he's fighting the Vietcong. One day, he
gets a call from Elaine (Debbie Brooks), the wife of one of his
soldier buddies, telling him that her husband, Marty, died in a car
crash and she doesn't think it was an accident, so Deacon heads to
the town of King's Ransom to investigate. Once in town, Deacon meets
pretty gas station owner Audrey (future director Katt Shea) and
immediately runs into
Sheriff Clay Marsh (Kaz Garas), who warns Deacon that this town
doesn't tolerate strangers. Elaine tells Deacon that the town has
been taken over by a group of dastardly marijuana farmers and their
leader, John Carey (Crofton Hardester), is not above murder to
protect his crop. She believes Carey is responsible for Marty's
death. Deacon begins asking questions around town, but finds everyone
afraid to talk. While out on a date with Audrey, Carey and his men
force Deacon's car off the road and beat the shit out of him (Casey
also has the hots for Audrey). When Deacon doesn't take the hint to
leave town, a couple of Carey's men firebomb Elaine's house, killing
her (she burns to death in her bed), which results in Deacon chasing
the two goons in his car. Deacon's car flips over and explodes, so
Carey thinks Deacon is dead and his problems are over. In reality,
Deacon escaped the explosion and he's about to make Carey's life
miserable. Deacon contacts his old Nam buddies, electronics expert
Spenser (Terrence O'Hara), explosives expert Bartlett (Bill
McLaughlin) and insane muscleman Ox (Jack Daniels) and they head to
King's Ransom for some good, old-fashioned payback. Audrey puts them
up in a secret cabin in the woods, as Deacon and his squad
systematically begin to kill Carey's men and destroy the pot crop. As
more of his men end up missing, Carey's men capture Bartlett, hold
him in a cell at the Sheriff's office and beat the crap out of him,
but Deacon and his men pull a midnight rescue and save Bartlett.
Carey kidnaps Audrey (and blows up her gas station) and uses her as
bait. The finale finds Deacon, his men and Sheriff Marsh (who finally
comes to his senses) battling Carey and his gang while trying save
Audrey and blowing up a dam to flood the pot crop. Not everyone (both
good and bad) will make it out alive. This is another one of
Filipino director/producer Cirio H. Santiago's long line of 80's
actioners and it's a pretty good little B-film. Even though it
recycles some of the same locations and footage used in Santiago's
earlier FINAL MISSION (even the main character in both films
is called "Deacon", so no new looping was necessary!),
these are two
totally
different films which can still be enjoyed if watched back-to-back.
There are some similarities, namely Kaz Garas as a small-town sheriff
that's neither good or bad (he tries to do his job in both films,
even though he knows there's corruption all around him) and both
films contain scenes where bad guys get killed by boobytraps in the
woods, but THE DEVASTATOR (also known as THE
DESTROYERS and KING'S RANSOM) avoids being the FIRST
BLOOD clone that MISSION was, thanks to the marijuana
subplot and a finale that involves trying to blow up a dam. Katt Shea
(who would later direct her share of genre films, including STRIPPED
TO KILL [1987], the excellent DANCE
OF THE DAMNED [1988], POISON
IVY
[1992] and THE RAGE: CARRIE 2
[1999]) has a topless scene, there's plenty of gunfights, explosions,
bloody bullet squibs, car chases and, hell, there's even a helicopter
chase/explosion and some decent miniature work, all packed into a
tidy 78 minute running time, so it doesn't overstay it's welcome. Say
what you want about Santiago (and I've said some pretty nasty things
in the past, especially his films VAMPIRE
HOOKERS [1979] and FUTURE
HUNTERS [1986]), but when he was on his game (as he is
here), he was capable of turning out some entertaining low-budget
flicks. It's no wonder Roger Corman funded many of his films, because
Santiago knew how to stretch a buck to the breaking point, yet he
could still deliver interesting, if unoriginal, product. The script
is by frequent Santiago collaborator Joseph Zucchero (who also has
acted in Santiago films like STRYKER
[1983], NAKED VENGEANCE
[1985] and RAIDERS OF THE SUN
[1991]), who uses the pseudonym "Joseph Sugarman" here.
Another film (not directed by Santiago) made the same year as this, WARLORDS
FROM HELL, has a strikingly similar plot, but is the
antithesis of THE DEVASTATOR: It's a boring action film. Also
starring Steve Rogers, Don Gordon Bell, Henry Strzalkowski and an
uncredited appearance by Nick Nicholson as one of Carey's thugs. This
film use to play quite often on TV during the late 80's and early
90's and the only U.S. home video release was a big box VHS tape put
out by MGM/UA Home Video
in the mid-80's. Not available on DVD. Now available on Blu-Ray
from Code Red as an exclusive
for Screen Archives. Rated
R.
DIRTY
HEROES (1976)
- In this insane revenge actioner from Thailand (You can
immediately tell that this film is from Thailand because the first
frames of the film proudly announce "A Super Production From
Thailand" in bold white letters on a bright red background!), a
bunch of goons sent by the "Landlord" enter the home of
Peter and demand $30,000 from him or else he and his family will have
to leave. When Peter refuses, the goons beat him, tie him up, shoot
and kill his young (and naked) son, gang-rape his wife and then shoot
and kill both of them, too, before setting fire to their home. The
entire atrocity was witnessed by a young girl, who leaves town and
doesn't return until years later, the faces of all of Peter's
murderers etched into her memory. Local hotheaded man Richard (Sombat
Methanee; who starred in THE KILLER ELEPHANTS
[1976] using the name "Sung Pa") can plainly see that
nothing has changed in the twenty years he has been living in this
town. Innocent farmers and their families are still being murdered
and their land being purchased at rock-bottom
prices by Mrs. Chaw, who Richard believes is the "Landlord"
behind the killings, both past and present. Richard cannot get
anyone in town to believe his story, because Mrs. Chaw is
well-respected around town and the only law in the territory, Deputy
Sheriff John, seems to be in Mrs. Chaw's pocket. Richard becomes
romantically involved with pretty young schoolteacher Catherine
(Alana Montri), while he secretly murders the goons under Mrs. Chaw's
control. Richard also helps Kenneth (Clint Chit) run for election for
parliament against Mrs. Chaw, which doesn't sit too well with Mrs.
Chaw, who orders her men to kill Kenneth and Richard. As more of her
men end up dead by Richard's hands, Mrs. Chaw becomes convinced that
there is a spy amongst them. When the goons kill Richard's father in
front of Richard, his sister Molly and Kenneth (Kenneth:
"You're upset." Richard: "Of course so,
they've killed my father!") and later kill Molly in a drive-by
shooting, Richard and Kenneth step-up their revenge-fueled rampage,
especially after Catherine's step-sister is raped and her step-father
is murdered. When it is revealed that the young girl that witnessed
the death of Peter and his family is none other than Catherine (who
is Peter's daughter), she joins Richard and Kenneth in ridding the
town of Mrs. Chaw and her rape-hungry hoods. Badly dubbed and
bloody as hell, DIRTY HEROES (Don't look for this title on
IMDB or any other review site) is enjoyable nonsense if you put your
brain in neutral and let your thought processes coast downhill.
Director Vichien Sakon (who directed the film TIGER
FIGHTING [1976] using the name "Vichien
Sa-Nguanthai") and screenwriter Prasa Somchai toss in numerous
gunfights and sleazy sequences to go along with the political
intrigue and revenge-driven storyline. What is truly remarkable is
how the sleazy scenes involving rape and sex manage to avoid any
female nudity at all, yet there is no problem showing the penis of
Peter's young son just before he is mercilessly blown away! The
violence on display is mainly of the bullet type, as people are shot
in the head, torso, arms, legs and back. Mrs. Chaw also whips
underling Suzy repeatedly across her naked back with a bamboo cane
and then orders her goons to "rape her until she dies" when
she believes Suzy is the spy, which she isn't (Mrs. Chaw, who is
probably a lesbian [look at the way she dresses], believes that all
women who don't see eye-to-eye with her should be raped until they
are dead!). The finale, where Catherine chases Mrs. Chaw, who is
throwing grenades back at her (!) in a lumberyard, is one of those
"What The Fuck?!?" sequences in Asian films that ends with
Mrs. Chaw getting shot in the stomach and falling on one of her live
grenades, blowing herself to smithereens. Toss in some of the most
awkward romantic dialogue I have ever heard (Clearly, the Australians
who provide the cheesy English dubbing were making it up on the spot)
and what you end up with is a frenetic, over-the-top sleazefest that
should satisfy fans of Far East weirdness. Also starring Krung
Seller, Prichela Lee, Boosith, Viboonlarp, and Ceceil Quinn. Never
released on home video in the U.S.; the print I viewed was sourced
from a British VHS tape. Notorious producer/director Joseph Lai and
his IFD Films got his hands on this, did his regular hack job, added
fake names to the cast and credited the director as "Bo
Curtis" (the British VHS artwork "borrows" an iconic
image from the poster of THE
TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE - 1974!). Try to avoid that
cut. Not Rated.
DOG
TAGS (1985) - In this well-done
Vietnam War actioner, real-life reporter Chris Hilton tries to find
out the truth behind a story about a downed chopper that supposedly
contained four cases of top-secret American military documents. The
only problem is, it is now 1985 and Hilton has to head back to
Southeast Asia to interview people who witnessed the events when they
happened in the early 70's. He finds a Vietnamese villager who was
there when it happened and, as Hilton starts recording his words, we
are whisked back in time to a story that involves a Ranger Unit,
American P.O.W.s and a German freelance photographer. The story
begins with Ranger Cecil (Clive Wood) saving a bunch of American
P.O.W.s, including Pete (Jim Gaines) and Eddy (Robert Marius), along
with German photographer Willy (Robert Haufrect), from an enemy war
camp and heading up-river in a canoe. Cecil's commanding officer,
Captain Newport (Mike Monty), wants Cecil and his "zombies"
to retrieve the missing documents from the downed chopper, even
though most of the P.O.W.s are malnourished and weak (When one of
Captain Newport's
underlings questions the reasoning for sending a bunch of battered
men on such a dangerous mission, the Captain replies, "Calm
down. This is a war, no vacation!"). Cecil can't believe his
ears when he hears his new orders, especially since he'll have to
lead all the weak men (some seriously injured from the torture they
endured at the hands of the enemy) through ten miles of booby
trapped, enemy-infested jungle to get to the downed chopper. Almost
immediately, P.O.W. "Ox" Oxford (Keith Craig) is killed by
a spiked booby trap and P.O.W. Glass (Peter Ehlich; also the Dialogue
Coach here) is killed by his own men when he falters in killing a
female gook who is laying more booby traps (He does manage to cut
into her shoulder blade with a machete, but another P.O.W. has to
finish her off). Pete goes jungle crazy, starts yammering
incoherently and runs off into the jungle, where he steps on a land
mine and is blown to bits. By the time Cecil makes it to the downed
chopper (which is lying in a shallow lake next to a waterfall), only
two other are left alive, Eddy and a badly injured Ron (Baird
Stafford), whose leg was impaled on bamboo spikes while swimming in a
river. Clive and Eddy retrieve the four cases out of the chopper, but
instead of finding top-secret documents, they find all the cases are
filled with small gold bars instead. Smelling a rat in Captain
Newport (and rightfully so) and fearing that they will be killed if
they radio-in their location, Clive, Eddy and Ron devise a plan to
escape to safety with the gold. They find a sympathetic Vietnamese
family to take them in (where Ron has his leg amputated), but Captain
Newport makes sure there is no way they will ever settle down (he has
a transmitter in one of the cases). The finale finds Clive and Eddy
removing their dog tags and never being seen or heard from again. The
only proof of their existence are their dog tags, some photos and a
single bar of gold kept in a box by the villager reporter Chris
Hilton is now interviewing. Better acted and photographed than most
Italian war actioners (this was filmed in the Philippines), thanks to
sharp direction and an intelligent screenplay by Romano Scavolini (NIGHTMARE
- 1981; also starring Baird Stafford), DOG
TAGS delivers all the bloody goods we've come to expect from
the genre (bullet-ridden bodies; fiery explosions; blood-gushing
wounds; various booby trap impalements and a gory leg amputation that
will have you squirming in your seat), but it also contains a lot of
human pathos, which is highly unusual in these types of films. You
actually care what happens to these people and there are some
knockout set pieces on display, such as a young Vietnamese woman,
Mina (Gigi Duenas), who makes love to a recently legless Ron (just to
let him know he is no less of a man for losing a limb) or the
revelation that the young woman's younger brother, Tanoy (Jericho
Ondevilla), may actually be the enemy (He says to Cecil, "Me not
Charley!" to which Cecil responds, "C'mon, boys like you
aren't innocent anymore!"). That boy turns out to be the
villager that reporter Chris Hilton is interviewing over ten years
later. Filmed in three acts, with a prologue and an epilogue, DOG TAGS
is a literate, if extremely bloody, example on how to make a war film
with heart and a limited budget. Worth your time if you are a fan to
this genre. Also starring Adolfo Arorong, David Light, Dave Anderson
and a cameo by the late Nick Nicholson. Romano Kristoff (NINJA'S
FORCE - 1984, and also Second Assistant Director here) plays
a military hitman hired by Captain Newport to retrieve the gold and
not leave any witnesses. Originally released on VHS by MTI Home Video
in the same R-Rated edit used in the U.S. theatrical release, but the
uncut Japanese-subtitled VHS can be found easily on eBay or
transferred to DVD-R from many gray market sellers. Also available on
German DVD, but avoid it as it is the edited version. Also known as PLATOON
TO HELL. Not Rated.
ELIMINATOR
WOMAN (1992) - Ree Marsales
(Len Sparrowman) is the bookkeeper for South African crime kingpin
Alex Gatelee (director Michel Qissi) and he has done something very,
very wrong. He has stolen over $100 million of Gatelee's gold bars
and hidden them in a secret location. Gatelee and two of his goons
travel to Beverly Hills to kill Marsales and retrieve the gold, but
Marsales escapes and Gatelee ends up getting slashed across his face
by one of Marsales' co-workers (That's going to leave a scar!). Three
months later, two Beverly Hills cops, Jay Handlin (Jerry Trimble) and
Julie A. Parish (Karen Sheperd), are assigned to escort Marsales back
to South Africa to testify against Gatelee. As soon as they step off
the plane, Gatelee's men attack them, but the martial arts abilities
of both Jay and Julie manage to defeat them. Jay and Julie have a
friendly rivalry (He tells local cop Fetz Deverenter [Ted Le Plat]:
"Her name is Julie A. Parish. The 'A' is for attitude!"),
but when Julie is kidnapped by Gatelee, Jay gets serious and begins
tearing-up South Africa looking for her.
He gets help from Charlie (Siphiwe Mlangeni), a local boy who is
wise beyond his years. They confront Gatelee at his home, which
results in fisticuffs followed by a motorcycle chase. Jay and Fetz
are unaware that Fetz's girlfriend, Myra (Ashley Hayden), is on
Gatelee's payroll and she uses her inside knowledge to assist Gatelee
in trying to locate his missing gold (She tries to seduce Jay to give
up the location of the gold, but he rebuffs her naked advances by
saying, "I don't sleep with snakes!"), Meanwhile, Julie has
escaped from Gatelee's jungle compound and, together with fellow
captive Lianna (Kimberleigh Stark), must run a gauntlet of Gatelee's
fighters and assassins as they try to make it to safety. Charlie
brings Jay to his sister's house to question her about Gatelee's
business since she use to work for him until he manually removed one
of her eyes when she spurned his advances. Her information proves
invaluable to Jay, who is now able to definitely connect Myra with
Gatelee. Myra is able to sneak into Marsales' jail cell and tricks
him into revealing the location of the gold. Myra double-crosses
Gatelee and steals the gold for herself, which sets up the finale
where everyone gathers together on the island where the gold is
hidden. Expect lots of bone-crunching as Jay faces-off with Gatelee
in a cave and Julie chases down Myra in a speedboat/helicopter
chase. Although nothing special, ELIMINATOR WOMAN (also
known as TERMINATOR WOMAN)
is a mindless, fight-filled martial arts actioner that should please
fans of the genre. Non-actor Jerry Trimble (FULL
CONTACT - 1992; LIVE BY THE FIST
- 1993; STRANGLEHOLD - 1994)
is not asked to emote much (thank God!), as director Michel Qissi (EXTREME
FORCE - 2001), a frequent co-star (and fight coordinator) in
the early films of Jean-Claude Van Damme (KICKBOXER
- 1989; LIONHEART - 1990),
prefers to use Trimble and co-star Karen Sheperd (MISSION
OF JUSTICE - 1992) in a series of increasingly complicated
martial arts fights, gun battles and chases, which culminates in a
battle royale in the finale where the good guy/girl takes-on the bad
guy/girl. While not especially bloody, the fight scenes are well
choreographed and exciting (thanks to Qissi) and Gatelee meets a
memorable demise. While also lacking in the nudity department,
Sheperd does look fetching in the tight black outfit she wears
through the majority of the film and there's some humor, too,
especially Gatelee's "Apology accepted!" remark and action
accompanying it after one of his main goons expresses his sorrow for
letting Julie get away. ELIMINATOR WOMAN is a lot better than
the title suggests, as long as you don't set your sights too high.
It's probably the best martial arts flick that Jerry Trimble has
starred in. I know that's not saying much, but sometimes you have to
pick your battles. Also starring Graham Clarke, Nikade Ribane and
Justin Byleveld. A Vidmark
Entertainment Release. Not available on DVD in the U.S., but
there is a British DVD available from Hollywood DVD (PAL Region 0). Rated
R.
ENEMY
UNSEEN (1989) - After a sappy
power ballad (It goes, "You want somebody, you need
somebody...") the film opens with guide Mel (Jeff Weston) and
nature photographer Roxanne Tangent (Angela O'Neill) camping out next
to a crocodile-infested river in some unnamed African country, where
they witness a tribal ritual where a young native woman is sacrificed
to a huge crocodile in the river. Mel and Roxanne are caught spying
on the ritual and the natives kill Mel (spear in the chest) and
abduct Roxanne. When Mel's body is found floating down river,
Roxanne's rich and influential father, Gordon Tangent (Michael
McCabe), hires mercenaries Steiger (Vernon Wells) and Josh (Stack
Pierce) to lead him on a search through "Crocodile Valley"
for his daughter. Also on the trip are fellow mercenaries Stanley
(Deon Stewardson), Pencil
(scripter Greg Latter) and river guide Malanga (South African film
vet Ken Gampu). After traveling down the river for a while, the group
sets up camp, where we learn that Pencil is a racist (He calls
Malanga a "nigger", which pisses off Josh until Malanga
reminds him that in Africa "nigger is a nice word."!?!) and
that Malanga lost a sister in the same area years earlier. That
night, Stanley is attacked and killed by a huge crocodile when it
drags him into one of their own perimeter boobytraps (Boom!). The
next morning, the group travel further down the river and pick up
Roxanne's trail. Pencil is shot with an arrow and falls into the
river, where he is eaten by a crocodile. The natives destroy the camp
(including the radio) and begin hunting the group, first hitting
Steiger with a poison dart (When Malanga informs Steiger that the
poison will make him fall asleep and die, Steiger says, "Die? I
don't have time to die."). Josh and Steiger are captured by the
natives and brought to their village after Gordon shoots and kills
the tribe's best hunter (Gordon gets away and roams the jungle,
nervously shooting at every sound he hears). John and Steiger are put
in a cage next to Roxanne and try to figure out a way to escape. The
tribe captures Gordon and feed him to a pit of hungry crocodiles
while Roxanne watches and screams "Daddy!" When the natives
try to do the same thing to Steiger, Malanga shows up and saves his
ass. Now, Steiger and Malanga must return to the village and save
Roxanne and Josh, since the tribe plans to sacrifice Roxanne to the
crocodiles that night. Will they save her in time and will they make
their way back to civilization? This South African-lensed
jungle action film, directed by Elmo De Witt, mixes standard jungle
warfare (guns vs. primitive weapons, where the poison darts and
arrows beat the guns nearly every time) with some of the worst
crocodile attacks ever committed to film. While we are treated to
some nice nature photography of real crocodiles in their natural
habitat, it's quite obvious that when the attacks happen, some lousy
looking fake rubber stunt crocodiles are used. Vernon Wells (THE
ROAD WARRIOR - 1982) makes a pretty flat action hero here,
showing none of the crazy charm like he did as Bennett, Arnold
Schwarzenegger's homosexual nemesis in COMMANDO
(1985). Thankfully, both Stack Pierce (KILLPOINT
- 1984) and the late Ken Gampu (SOUL
PATROL - 1978; a.k.a. DEATH
OF A SNOWMAN) register in their roles. The chemistry between
them is quite apparent and they both have the best lines. The only
true emotion in this film comes when Malanga discovers that the
little girl following him and Josh in the finale is his niece. The
look on Gampu's face tells the whole story. ENEMY
UNSEEN is not very bloody or action-packed. It just meanders
along at it's own leisurely pace until it's inevitable happy ending.
Nothing more, nothing less. Also starring Sam Ntsinyi, Joe Stewardson
and Paddy Lyster. An Action
International Pictures Home Video Release. Rated R.
EXECUTION
SQUAD (1972) - Excellent
early-'70s Eurocrime film that seems to rip-off the Dirty Harry film MAGNUM
FORCE (1973). The only problem is that this
Italy/France/West Germany co-production was made a year earlier than
that film, so FORCE rips-off this film (which led to the
little-seen 1974 TV movie THE DEATH SQUAD)!
I don't know if that is true, but the similarities are there and it
wouldn't be the first time that an American production mirrors an
Italian hit
film (although it usually goes the other way around).
A secret society of police officers, which practice vigilante
justice, are on the loose in Italy, much to the consternation of
Police Commissioner Bertone (an excellent Enrico Maria Salerno; THE
BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMAGE - 1970). The early-to-mid-'70s
were a tough time for Italian law enforcement, due to new laws that
were passed that favored the criminals over their victims, so much so
that the police are blamed for every little thing that goes wrong and
the public (and Press) begin to turn against them. Commissioner
Bertone's girlfriend, Sandra (Mariangelo Melato; FLASH
GORDON - 1980) is a newspaper reporter and she tries to
defend her boyfriend, but she is losing the battle. Having had
enough, Bertone takes members of the Press on a bus and tours Rome at
night, showing them how prostitution (including transvestites!) leads
to blackmail and even murder, but it doesn't impress the Press, who
continue to write biased stories against him (even though Bertone
tells them that less than 10% of the arrests ever go to trial and get
a guilty verdict). Bertone is working on a case where two men on a
motorcycle pull off a brazen jewelry store robbery, shooting and
killing the worker inside and also killing a bystander outside who
tries to stop them from leaving the scene of the crime. Mario
Staderini (Piero Tiberi; FROM
CORLEONE TO BROOKLYN - 1978), one of the robbers, is grabbed
by the "Clean-up Squad" (what the Press is calling the
vigilantes) and tied to a wall under a bridge, where he is shot
firing squad style and, as they leave, one member shoots Mario in the
head point-blank, just to make sure he is dead. The other robber,
Michel Settecamini (Jurgen Drews; SHORT
NIGHT OF GLASS DOLLS - 1971), grabs an 18-year-old girl
named Anna Maria Sprovieri (Laura Belli; ALMOST
HUMAN - 1974) and holds her hostage (making her strip
completely naked so she doesn't try to escape while he takes a nap).
An Assistant District Attorney named Ricciuti (Mario Adorf; MILANO
CALIBRO 9 - 1972) handcuffs the Commissioner at every turn,
making his job next to impossible. Is it possible that he is a member
of the Clean-up Squad? Career criminal Francesco Bettarini (Franco
Frabrizi; NIGHT TRAIN MURDERS
- 1974), a frequent target of the Commissioner, is grabbed by the
vigilantes, tied to the metal frame of the subway system and executed
by electrocution. The Press blames the Commissioner for his death
since he was his favorite target. The members of Bertone's team begin
to admire the Clean-up Squad, as they are able to punish the guilty
without going to court, which pisses-off Bertone, telling his team
that the members of the Clean-up Squad are murderers and if they
continue to admire them, they shouldn't be police officers and he
will make sure that they will all be fired if they don't change their tune.
During a hostage stand-off, A.D.A. Ricciuti lets Michel go free,
against Bertone's wishes and Anna is killed when she falls off
Michel's motorcycle during a chase and a police car runs her over,
which further turns the public and the Press against the police. A
lawyer for Michel, Armani (Corrado Gaipa; RIOT
IN A WOMEN'S PRISON - 1974), approaches Bertone and tells
him that Michel wishes to turn himself in, but only to Bertone with
no other police involvement. The Commissioner picks up Michel and
goes to drive him back to the department, only the Clean-up Squad
contacts Bertone over his police radio and demands that he turn over
Michel to them. They have nothing against the Commissioner, they just
want Michel. Bertone refuses, which leads to a shoot-out, where
Michel is shot and wounded in the leg. Bertone hands over Michel to
A.D.A. Ricciuti and tells him he is handing in his resignation
tomorrow morning. Bertone realizes that his friend, former
Police Commissioner Stolfi (Cyril Cusack; MANHUNT
- 1972), is the head of the Clean-up Squad and tells him he is going
to expose him to the Press at a conference tomorrow morning, but in
the meantime he is under arrest. As he is about to slap the cuffs on
Stolfi, a member of the Clean-up Squad shoots Bertone several times,
killing him. We then discover that people in high places are members
of the Clean-up Squad, including the Commissioner's partner,
Santalamenti (Ezio Sancrotti; THE
VIOLENT PROFESSIONALS - 1973), but not A.D.A. Ricciuti, who
is warned by a high ranking official to stop investigating the
Commissioner's death, telling him that a Clean-up Squad doesn't exist
(telling him in such a way as to imply he will be killed, too, if he
digs any deeper). The film ends with A.D.A. Ricciuti telling Stolfi
that he need to question him tomorrow morning at his office. Was
Bertone's death all for naught or has the A.D.A. grown a backbone?
The answer depends on the viewer to make that decision.
This tight little EuroCrime flick works thanks to Stefano Vanzina's
taught direction and Enrico Maria Salerno's excellent acting as
Commissioner Bertone, a man who refuses to give up fighting for what
is right, even though all the chips are stacked against him. I find
it hard to believe that this is the first film of Vanzina's that I
have reviewed, since he was quite prolific, directing and writing
over 80 films during his career, including THE
TERROR WITH CROSS-EYES (1972), FLATFOOT
IN HONG KONG (1975) and the series of "BIG
MAN" Italian TV
Movies (starring Bud Spencer), until his death in 1988 (In my
defense, most of his movies are comedies and I do not review that
genre unless they are a mixture of other genres). If his name doesn't
look familiar, it is because he usually took the pseudonym
"Steno" when directing or writing (he co-wrote this film
with Lucio De Caro; Steno's THE
KNOCK OUT COP - 1973; THE
.44 SPECIALIST - 1976), but he uses his given name here as
director. There's also an excellent
music score by the late Stelvio
Cipriani, full of booming violins and guitar crescendos. There's
not much action in this film, but it doesn't need it, because it is
more of a personal drama than an action flick, full of little scenes
that make it stand out from most Eurocrime films, such as the
conversation that Bertone has with Sandra over dinner at a
restaurant, neither of them able to put their jobs aside and have an
intimate personal conversation, even though it is obvious that they
care for each other. The political climate in Italy during the time
this film was made is comparable to New York City during the same
time period, when crime was rampant and the police force, or should I
say, the majority of the police force, was involved heavily in graft
and lawlessness, where police used violence against criminals in
order to put them away. That same attitude against the police is
prevalent today, but I have to laugh every time someone accuses the
police of using violence against "innocent, law-abiding"
people. I laugh only because those people who accuse police of using
violence have no idea how bad it actually was during the '70s. If
they did, I can guarantee that they would keep their big traps shut.
This film treats that system with the bile it deserves, because if
you treat criminals with kid gloves, what do you expect their victims
to do? This film displays that hatred for everything that is lawful
with the respect it deserves, nothing more, nothing less.
Shot as LA POLIZIA RINGRAZIA
("The Police Thank You") and also known as FROM
THE POLICE...WITH THANKS and THE ENFORCERS, this film
received an edited
theatrical release under the review title from the Fanfare
Corporation, missing over 25 minutes of footage. I can find no U.S.
VHS releases although Astral Films released it on that format in
Canada. No disc releases exist either in the States, but Amazon Prime
offers a beautiful uncut anamorphic widescreen print, dubbed in
English, streaming for free to Prime members. Also featuring Giorgio
Piazza (CRIME BOSS - 1972),
Ada Pometti (THE
FRENCH SEX MURDERS - 1972), Gianfranco Barra (THE
SUSPICIOUS DEATH OF A MINOR - 1975), Rosemary Lindt (WHO
SAW HER DIE? - 1972) and Sergio Serafini (CONFESSIONS
OF A POLICE CAPTAIN - 1971). The edited theatrical print was Rated
R, but the uncut print is Not Rated.
FAST
GUN (1987) - A series of armory thefts
at various U.S. military bases throughout the world leaves the
government baffled as to who is involved. We learn rather quickly
that people in our own government are the ones involved, but don't
try to think about it too hard, because you'll end up with a
migraine. We watch Nelson (Robery Dryer; SAVAGE
STREETS - 1984) and his men pull off the next armory heist,
only this time Nelson begins killing military personnel when they
recognize him. The heist turns into a massacre when both sides shoot
it out. Nelson is now wanted by the U.S. Government after they find
out he has turned rogue and is stealing arms for his own purposes,
rather than for his own government (there goes that damn migraine
again!). Corrupt Army Colonel Harper (Kaz Garas; FINAL
MISSION - 1984) must find and kill Nelson before the press
gets hold of the story that Harper hired him to rob our own armories
(Where's my Tylenol?). Nelson ends up in the small, secluded
California town of Granite Lake, where the entire police force
consists of Sheriff Jack Steiger (Rick Hill; DUNE
WARRIORS - 1990) and Deputy Cowboy Phelps (Morgan
Strickland). The town's crooked wheeler-dealer, Rupert Jessup (Ken
Metcalfe), is an old business partner of Nelson's and they plan on
selling the stolen weapons to the highest bidders, as soon as they
build a secret airstrip in the forest. Too bad Nelson picked this
town, because
Sheriff Jack is a crack shot, as we witness him shooting three
violent drug runners right between the eyes and then blows-up their
attacking helicopter with just three shots of his pistol. He's also
pretty good with his hands, too, as we later watch him beat the crap
out of a motorcycle gang who decide to destroy his girlfriend Julie's
(Brenda Bakke; DEATH SPA
- 1987) bar. It seems Jack use to be a big city cop, but he left the
force when he saw his partner shot in the head (he still has
nightmares about it) and moved to this small town to get away from
the action and violence. Bad move. It's not long before Jack and
Nelson are butting heads, but both Jessup and money-hungry (but
clueless) Mayor Ankers (Anthony East) interfere with Jack's duty as
sheriff. One night, a bunch of Nelson's men break Jack's gun hand
with a two-by-four, pour booze down his throat (Jack is a recovering
alcoholic) and then loot the town. Mayor Ankers fires Jack for being
drunk on duty, but when Colonel Harper shows up in town and he spots
Nelson's men kidnapping Cowboy, Jack and Harper join forces to free
Cowboy and bring Nelson and Jessup down. When Cowboy dies in a manner
similar to Jack's old partner, Jack goes on a one-man killing spree
to get revenge. He's no longer a cop, so all the rules go out the
window. Pray for the bad guys, especially in the unbelievable final
scene where Jack blows up a huge cargo plane with just three shots of
his sidearm! This is another one of prolific Filipino
director/producer Cirio H. Santiago's many 80's action films. While
nothing spectacular, FAST GUN does move at a fast clip and,
besides some gaping plot holes (How does Jack's hand manage to heal
so fast?), it manages to keep you entertained through it's short 76
minute running time. Since this film doesn't try to break any new
ground (it's strikingly similar to Santiago's THE
DEVASTATOR
[1985], which also starred Rick Hill and Kaz Garas), it depends more
on action set-pieces rather than plot. Scripters (and long-time
Santiago collaborators) Joe Mari Avellana and Frederick Bailey never
even try to explain why our own government is stealing weapons from
their own armories (I racked my brain for an explanation and all I
got was a splitting headache). Instead, they just layer-on one
gunfight or car chase after another until we get to the conclusion,
where the entire town of Granite Lake is destroyed one building at a
time, as Jack, Harper and Julie battle the never-ending supply of
Nelson's goons (including Santiago regular Nick Nicholson), who are
armed with automatic weapons and rocket launchers. If you have ever
watched a Santiago film, you know he excels when it comes to action
sequences. This is just like most of Santiago's 80's output: Take off
your thinking caps and just enjoy the mindless violence. Ed Carlin,
the producer of such films as BLOOD
AND LACE (1970), THE
NIGHT GOD SCREAMED (1971) and SUPERSTITION
(1982), was Executive Producer on this film. Made in 1987 but not
released on home video until 1993. Also starring Frank Diaz, David
Light, Warren McLean, Bill Staub, Joanne Griffin, Paul Holmes, Jeff
Griffith and Henry Strzalkowski. Released on VHS by Roger Corman's
New Horizons Home Video. Corman bankrolled the majority of Santiago's
output from the early 70's right up to 2005's BLOODFIST
2050. Say what you want about Santiago (and I have said both
good and bad), but the man has had a long, successful career in
B-films. Rated R.
FATAL
VACATION (1989) - Here's a Hong
Kong production (from Golden Harvest) that's sure to make anyone
think twice about vacationing in the Philippines. As a matter of
fact, it's bound to make any Filipino that watches it to pick up a
gun and shoot the next Chinaman they see in the head just for spite.
The story is simple: A tour group, consisting of a group of diverse
Hong Kong residents, including grandparents and their grandson; a cop
and his horny brother; identical twin brothers (complete with
matching bushy moustaches!); a husband who leaves his pregnant wife
at home (Her last words to him are, "Honey, don't go to the
prostitutes. AIDS is fatal!"); a guy who likes to wear his Rolex
on weird parts of his body (like his foot); and various other
goofballs, take a bus trip through the Philippines with tour guy Bud (director/producer
Eric Tsang), his dwarf sidekick Rainman (What's a Filipino flick
without a midget?) and Candy (Irene Wan). Candy believes some of the
tourists on board are Triad members, which worries her because
there's a strong military presence everywhere on their route, but Bud
tells her to supply the Triad members with "cannabis, strip
shows and hookers" and everything will be alright. Yeah, right!
After making a few stops to do
the things that tourists do (take photos, buy souvenirs, etc.),
circumstances take a considerable turn for the worse when cops raid a
bar close to where the tourists are having dinner (and watching and
participating a hula show!), where rebel leader Sam (Bernardo
Bernardo)is buying an illegal shipment of automatic weapons. This
leads to a massive stunt-filled shootout between the rebels and the
cops that eventually leads to the rebels hijacking the bus and taking
the tourists hostage (thankfully, Rainman stays behind) so they can
make their getaway. After shooting one of the tourists in the head to
prove they mean business, the rebels drive the bus to a village in
the jungle, where they offer to trade the tourists to the Philippines
government in exchange for the release of Sam's prisoner brother Eric
(Spanky Manikan). Of course, nothing goes according to plan, so the
tourists must come to depend on each other to plan and execute their
escape, as some of the tourists are raped, tortured or killed by
their captors. The finale illustrates that even unassuming common
people are capable of acts of uncommon bravery and self-sacrifice if
pushed too far. Expect lots of gun battles, explosions (including
exploding bodies) and blood. Director/producer/star Eric Tsang (MAD
MISSION - 1981; VAMPIRE FAMILY
- 1993), working with a screenplay by Nam Yin (PRISON
ON FIRE - 1987), offers an uneasy mix of comedy and brutal
violence, yet he seems to make it work. The comedy comes mainly in
the beginning, such as when the tourists take advantage of two
Filipino soldiers, buying everything they own except their underwear
and rifles, only for the viewer to discover that the soldiers do this
every time tourists stop there (and make a bundle of money each
time). Once the hostage situation happens, the comedy abruptly ends
and it becomes a tense and bloody standoff between the rebels and the
Filipino government (all it's members speak English), with the
tourists painfully in the middle. Graphic scenes of rape and death
follow, including an incredibly nerve wracking scene where Bud is
forced by rebel leader Sam to play a game of Russian Roulette with
the rest of the tourists' lives that ends with the identical twin
brothers sacrificing their lives for the good of the others (How they
chose to die is truly memorable in a twisted, brotherly way). It's
Bud and Candy who are the invisible glue that holds the group
together. Bud (it reads "Bud" on the English subtitles, but
it sounds like they are calling him "Bob" on the Cantonese
soundtrack) makes it his duty to convince his charges that things are
much better than they actually are once they are taken hostage (he
eats a plate of rancid food with a smile on his face), while Candy
offers herself as the next rape victim of a bald-headed rebel when he
originally choses another woman from the group. They both go into
full hero mode in the exciting and bloody finale, but, along the way,
Tsang manages to get in some sharp barbs on subjects like TV news
reporting, the Chinese takeover of Hong Kong in 1997, government
cover-ups and self-sacrifice. While this will never be endorsed by
the Philippines Tourism Board, FATAL VACATION offers a wealth
of excitement for exploitation and action fans. American expatriate
Ken Metcalfe (THE WOMAN HUNT
- 1972) was Casting Director here. American audiences should
recognize the late Victor Wong, who plays the grandfather, from John
Carpenter's BIG
TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA (1986) and the THREE
NINJAS series of films. Also starring Tang Bik Wan, Kwong
Leung Wong, Crispin Medina, Alex Mondragoxi, Jimmy Fabregas, Melinda
Beltron, Mervyn Samson, Perry Berry and Joan Tong. Available on DVD
from Tai Seng in a widescreen
English-subtitled print. Not Rated.
FIELD
OF FIRE (1990) - Major Wilson (Jim
Ross) is trapped behind enemy lines when his Phantom jet is shot down
and he is forced to parachute into the Vietnam jungle. While VC
soldiers are nipping at Major Wilson's heels, General Corman (David
Carradine), assigns Sgt. Duncan (Eb Lottimer; LORDS
OF THE DEEP - 1989) and his squad of misfit soldiers, Hawk
(Henry Strzalkowski), Jimmy-T (Don Barnes), Senator (Scott Utley) and
Jeff (Tonichi Fructoso) to rescue Major Wilson before he is captured
and reveals government secrets. General Corman sends his aide, Lt.
Reynolds (David Anthony Smith), a wise-ass fighter pilot, to assist
Sgt. Duncan on the mission. The enemy sends a special force, led by
Captain Phat (Joe Mari Avellana), who had a previous run-in with Sgt.
Duncan and his men (Duncan killed a General that Phat was
protecting), to capture Major Wilson before he is rescued. The enemy
also seems to have knowledge of Sgt. Duncan's arrival in the jungle,
like someone on our side is passing them information. This makes it
very difficult for Sgt. Duncan's squad, who rescue an injured Major
Wilson, but are dogged at every step by Captain Phat and his
black-clad special forces. It also doesn't help that Lt. Reynolds is
a major fuck-up, who at one point wears mirrored
sunglasses while walking through the jungle. This alerts the enemy
on their position when they see the rays of the sun reflected off the
mirrored lenses. With bad weather on the way that make rescue by
helicopter impossible, Sgt. Duncan and his men must traverse the
jungle on foot until they get to the next pick-up point miles away.
That's easier said than done, because Major Wilson is developing a
case of "jungle rot" in his leg wound and it's obvious that
someone is sabotaging their every move, as supplies in their
backpacks end up missing and their radio is tampered with. With every
battle that Duncan and his men engage in, they lose another member.
General Corman becomes highly suspicious of Duncan's unlikely series
of misfortunes and roots-out the traitor, who is not a member of the
trapped squad, but a member of his own staff. The finale finds
Duncan, Reynolds and Senator, the only squad members left alive,
trying to protect Major Wilson while Captain Phat and his special
forces lead one final all-out assault. Can General Corman save them
in time? This is director Cirio H. Santiago's first in a series
of 90's Vietnam War action films, following a string of 80's war
actioners, which included EYE
OF THE EAGLE (1987), BEHIND
ENEMY LINES (1987), THE
EXPENDABLES (1988) and NAM
ANGELS (1988). If you enjoyed any of those films, you'll
probably like this one, too. The script, by Thomas McKelvey Cleaver
(Santiago's DUNE WARRIORS
- 1990; also starring David Carradine), is basically nothing but a
series of action set-pieces, where Duncan and his squad get in
numerous firefights, objects and people blow up real good and so many
enemy soldiers are stabbed, it's hard to keep count. That's not to
say that the film is not without humor, though. There's a funny bit
in the beginning where Duncan's squad gross-out a bunch of
wet-behind-the-ears new recruits by eating a box-full of enemy
"ears" (they're actually canned peaches), only to have
Duncan stroll by and accidentally eat the real stunt ear (it's quite
funny) and this touching bit of dialogue that Duncan delivers to his
squad when member Hawk is killed: "You guys just remember one
thing. Hawk bought it because he was showing off. Now I don't want
any more of you guys dying on me, you understand? Because I take that
shit personal......Now get over here and eat your lizard!" Even
though David Carradine is top-billed, he appears for less than five
minutes throughout the film, but then he shows up in the finale and
plays a major role in saving Duncan, Reynolds and Wilson. You at
first think that Carradibe is doing one of his patented B-movie
walk-on roles, but he actually plays the action hero in the end,
jumping out of helicopters and laying down ground fire so everyone
can escape. His character, General Corman, is an in-joke to Roger
Corman, who bankrolled the majority of Santiago's films, including
this one. If you like war films with more braun than brains, FIELD
OF FIRE should fit the bill nicely. Other Santiago 90's Nam films
include BEYOND THE CALL
OF DUTY (1991), KILL ZONE
(1992; which recycles a lot of footage from this film) and FIREHAWK
(1992). Also starring Joseph Zucchero, Ken Metcalfe, Robert Ginnivan,
James Paolelli, Ruben Ramos, Archie Ramirez, Steve Rogers and Aaron
Wellborn. Released on VHS by HBO
Home Video and not yet available on DVD. Rated R.
THE
FIGHTER (1988) - Australian
expatriate Ryan Travers (Richard Norton; RAIDERS
OF THE SUN - 1991) is a common street criminal in Thailand
who gets by by picking pockets and other low-level crimes. When he
catches someone cheating him is a street game of craps, he beats the
crap out of the cheater, is caught by the police and spends the next
five years of his life in a Thai prison. Just a day before he is to
be released, Ryan's mother and father are murdered when a bomb
explodes in their antiques store, placed there by the minions of
crime kingpin Mr. Pinai (Ramon D'Salva) when the father refuses to
help him smuggle heroin out of the country. The bombing was witnessed
by Ryan's sister, Katie (Erica Van Wagener), who meets her brother
when he is released from prison. It turns out that Katie is very ill,
so Ryan goes back to his old ways, picking pockets and stealing to
pay for Katie's expensive medication. Ryan again gets into trouble
with the police, but when Katie's guardian, Quan (Angel Confiado), is
found murdered (and wrongfully blamed on Ryan's gambling debts), Ryan
decides to go straight and takes a job as a welder with his new
friend Chai Wat (Franco Guerrero; PAY OR DIE
- 1979; ONE ARMED EXECUTIONER
- 1980). While walking down
an alley, Ryan and Chai Wat happen upon an illegal street fight and
Ryan decides to take part in a fight when Mr. Pinai offers $10,000 to
anyone who can beat his fighter. Ryan does just that and embarrasses
Mr. Pinai in front of everyone. What Ryan doesn't realize is that Mr.
Pinai is responsible for his parents' deaths and, to add insult to
injury, he also gets Ryan fired from his job and makes sure that he
cannot get another job anywhere in town. This couldn't have come at a
worse time because Katie is no longer responding to her medication
and now needs an expensive heart operation to stay alive (What the
hell happened to the $10,000 Ryan just won???). Ryan teams up with
fellow Australian Zach (Glen Ruehland; NAILED
- 2007), an alcoholic fight promoter, and Ryan quickly moves up in
the ranks as a fighter in the no-holds-barred realm of illegal street
fighting. This all leads to the big final fight, where Mr. Pinai
forces Ryan to throw the fight against undefeated Jet (Benny
Urquidez, who also starred with Norton in FORCE:
FIVE - 1981) or else he will kill Katie. Ryan gets some
unexpected help from blind street beggar Wan (Nello Nayo), who is
actually a martial arts master that teaches Ryan the finer points of
fighting (as well as humility and patience), skills Ryan will need to
defeat Jet and get even for his parents' deaths. This Filipino
martial arts actioner, directed/produced by Anthony Maharaj (CROSS
FIRE - 1987; MISSION TERMINATE
- 1987, both starring Norton and Guerrero) and written by Noah
Blough, is a cheap, by-the-numbers "underdog meets undefeated
fighter in the ring" potboiler that offers no surprises (C'mon
now, fighting to pay for your sister's life-saving operation? How old
is that chestnut?) and even makes the fighting scenes look boring.
This scenario was done to death even back in 1988 and if it weren't
for the presence of Richard Norton and Franco Guerrero (who is wasted
here in a thankless role), this film (also known as KICK
FIGHTER) would be nearly unwatchable. It's lazily filmed,
has sound that seems to have been recorded through a tin can and has
sets as threadbare as any porno film. It also has the prerequisite
master/student training montage, a totally out-of-place sequence in a
bowling alley (I'm going to have to do a list where bowling alleys
are used for no reason in genre films. I can think of at least a
dozen off the top of my head.) and an unbelievable disclaimer in the
finale that states that although Benny Urquidez was defeated in this
film, in real life he is an undefeated fighter and this film is
dedicated to all those that fought Urquidez and lost, but wish they
won! I can only imagine that this disclaimer was put there at
Urquidez's request to stroke his ego. This entire film screams
amateur hour and is one of the weaker examples of Filipino action
cinema. You've seen it all done a hundred times before and better
than this. American expatriate actor Bill Baldridge (POW
DEATHCAMP - 1988) was assistant Director here. Also starring
Steve Rackman (who, as "Bodo", has the best fight in the
film with Norton), Tony Laxa and Karim Karam, with a special
appearance by international boxing referee Carlos "Sunny"
Padilla Jr. (Who?). An AIP
Home Video VHS Release. Not available on DVD. Rated R.
FIGHTING
MAD (1978) - Three Vietnam
veterans, Russell (James Iglehart), McGee (Leon Isaac Kennedy) and
Morelli (Carmen Argenziano), steal a shipment of gold bars from a
U.S. military base and fence it to a man called "The
Chinaman" (Vic Diaz) for a large sum of cash. Morelli and McGee
betray Russell, stab him and toss his body overboard the boat they
are in as they head back to the States.
While Morelli and McGee establish themselves as heads of a criminal
empire in Los Angeles, Russell washes-up on-shore on an uncharted
island occupied by two Japanese soldiers (Joe Mari Avellana and
Joonie Gamboa) that have been stranded there since World War II. They
nurse Russell back to health and teach him the way of the samurai.
Meanwhile, back in the States, McGee moves in on Russell's wife Jayne
(Jayne Kennedy) and young son Jimmy (played by James Iglehart's
real-life son). Jayne wants nothing to do with McGee, so he
interferes in her life, getting her fired from her job as a lounge
singer and making sure she can't get another job in any of the other
nightclubs around town. Broke and penniless, Jayne is forced to move
in with one of her girlfriends, while McGee and Morelli cut a bloody
path throughout L.A. trying to wrestle control of all the organized
crime activity. Russell is eventually rescued by some American
soldiers and he returns to L.A. to look for his wife, but he finds
his house empty and up for sale. After finding out about McGee's
treachery with his wife, Russell begins murdering all of McGee and
Morelli's men with a samurai sword while searching for his wife. Not
knowing that it is Russell who is killing their men (they still think
he is dead), Morelli and McGee hire some outside muscle to fix their
problem. Russell finally finds his wife and when he sets eyes on his
young son for the first time, he puts his revenge plans on hold just
long enough to make sweet love to his wife and play with his son in
the park. Russell then gets back to work, killing the outside muscle,
cutting off Morelli's head and delivering it to McGee (who is missing
an ear, thanks to an earlier run-in with Russell) in a box. McGee
retaliates by kidnapping Jayne and Jimmy and bringing them to his
heavily-guarded house in Mexico. Russell shows up, chops-off a few
heads and slices into McGee's stomach with his samurai sword in the
film's finale. Ah, good-old Nip know-how saves the day!
Originally released to theaters under the title DEATH
FORCE, this 70's revenge actioner, directed by Cirio H.
Santiago (FLY ME -
1973; T.N.T. JACKSON
- 1975), went through a title change in the early 80's to capitalize
on Jayne Kennedy's (Santiago's THE
MUTHERS - 1976) Playboy cover (the first black woman to do
so) and then-husband Leon Isaac Kennedy's recent popularity in Jamaa
Fanaka's PENITENTIARY
(1979). James Iglehart (Santiago's SAVAGE
- 1973; BAMBOO GODS
AND IRON MEN
- 1974) is actua
lly
the top-lined star here. There is fun to be had, especially the
interaction between the two Japanese soldiers, who have been living
alone together for so long on the island, they act more like an old
married couple rather than soldiers. When Russell suddenly appears on
the beach, you can see the jealousy in the eyes of the less-dominate
soldier (Gamboa). When he accidentally dies after falling out of a
coconut tree, you can view the hurt in the face of his long-standing
partner (Avellana). When Russell gets rescued, the lone Japanese
soldier chooses to stay behind (he even manages to kill one of the
American soldiers in rememberance of the good old days) rather than
face the new world. This section of the film is my favorite, as the
rest of the film is standard gangster and revenge stuff. The first
section of the film details the exploits of Morelli and McGee, as
they slaughter a mob hangout with machinegun fire and then kill a mob
bigshot and his men in an auto junkyard. The final third of the film
is Russell's revenge spree. He slices and kicks his way through a
cast of stuntmen until he gets even with Morelli and McGee. This
contains all the regular Santiago trademarks: Bloody bullet squibs,
numerous martial arts fights and a touch of gore, including Morelli's
head in a box and a few pretty good decapitations in the finale.
Jayne Kennedy also has a brief nude scene and delivers the film's
best line. When McGee offers to be Jimmy's new daddy, she looks at
him and says, "He don't need a mother like you to be his
father!" Both Carmine Argenziano (Santiago's NAKED
VENGEANCE - 1985) and Leon Isaac Kennedy scream out their
lines shamelessly, as if everyone were deaf. The script was written
by Howard R. Cohen, who also wrote the screenplays to Santiago's COVER
GIRL MODELS (1975), VAMPIRE
HOOKERS (1979) and STRYKER
(1983). FIGHTING MAD (not
to be confused with the 1976 action
film starring Peter Fonda with the same name) is an OK slice of
70's sleaze. Produced by Robert E. Waters, who co-produced and wrote
the 1984 female revenge actioner ALLEY
CAT. Also starring Tony Graziano, Leo Martinez, Ken
Metcalfe, Armando Federico, Cathy Sabino, Roberto Gonzalez, Allen
Arkus, Tony Carrion, Ramon D'Salva and Ernie Carvajal. Released on
VHS from Continental
Video and available on a double
feature DVD (as DEATH FORCE, in its fully uncut 110
minute version) with Santiago's VAMPIRE
HOOKERS from Vinegar
Syndrome. Rated R.
FINAL
CUT (1985)
- Stuntman turned actor Kelly Roberts (Jim Raines) travels down
to Caddo County, Texas to film some stunt scenes for his newest
picture and runs smack-dab into a child kidnapping ring. Kelly's
stuntmen friends Smilie (scripter Jordan Williams) and Mark (Brett
Rice) join Kelly for a night on the town and meet local girls Annie
(Deborah Morehart) and Lou Ann (Carla DeLane) and also meet Sheriff
Thompson (J. Don Ferguson), who seems to recognize Mark from an event
that happened ten years earlier. Mark warns stunt co-ordinator
Wes (T.J. Kennedy) not to trust the sheriff but will not explain why.
A little boy goes missing from the hotel the film crew is staying at,
which upsets Mark. Kelly starts up a romantic relationship with Lou
Ann (who is the sheriff's stepdaughter) and Smilie does the same with
Annie. The sheriff has his two hot-headed deputies, Deacon (Wes
Foreshaw) and Carter (S.W. Miller), keep a close eye on the foursome.
The sheriff corners Mark behind the bar, where we learn that Mark
sold his girlfriend's son to the sheriff ten years ago. The sheriff
has a lucrative side business where he and his men kidnap children
and sell them to the highest bidder. Deacon and Carter knock out
Smilie and Deacon rapes Annie. The sheriff then holds them captive in
a cabin in the woods until he can figure out what to do with them.
Kelly and Lou Ann arrive at Annie's house and find the door busted
and a piece of Smilie's front tooth in a puddle of blood on the floor
(which Carter broke off with pliers so he couldn't be called
"Smilie" any more). When Wes is shot in the back and killed
when he gets too close to the children's hideout, Kelly says enough
is enough and tries to rescue Smilie and Annie. Marks ends up getting
killed trying to save Kelly and Smilie. Kelly and his fellow stuntmen
band together to rescue the group of stolen children the sheriff is
holding hostage in a shack the deep woods. With a rocket boat and a
machine gun at his disposal, Kelly makes mincemeat of the sheriff's
men. One of the sheriff's "children" ends Thompson's
wretched life with a bullet in his back. This is mainly a showcase
for some pretty good stunts (an airplane lands on a moving tractor
trailer, the opening motorcycle/car chase and the rocket boat jump)
with a dash of mystery and social commentary thrown in for good
measure. Director/producer Larry G. Brown (THE
PINK ANGELS - 1971) uses the rural locations to good effect
as cars race through dirt roads and crash through shacks and the
river scenes where the rocket boat roars through the water are filmed
with maximum impact. Things start relatively tame but, from the
moment when Annie gets raped and Smilie has amateur dentistry
performed on his front teeth, things get somewhat nasty. Brown
treaded similar ground with his earlier PSYCHOPATH
(1973), where children are the focal point in an otherwise unrelated
plot. FINAL CUT is a
decently acted action film that manages to hold your attention thanks
to the natural interaction between the cast (you believe that Smilie,
Kelly and Mark have known each other for years). One funny running
gag concerns a double-jointed Smilie copping pain pills from an
apprehensive film doctor, each time telling him, "This is the
last time, I promise." Actress Deborah Morehart would later
change her name to Hunter Tylo and appear in soap operas. A Vidmark
Entertainment VHS Release. Also available on fullscreen budget
DVD from Legacy Entertainment. Rated R.
FINAL
SCORE (1986) - Absolutely crazy
Indonesian action film that's wrong on so many levels, it makes it a
must-viewing experience for anyone who loves mindless bloodshed. The
mysterious and brutal Mr. Hawk (Mike Abbott), who shoots his own men
for looking at him funny, sends his four best goons to kill Richard
Brown (the always staid Chris Mitchum) before he can interfere with
Hawk's criminal plans. The
goons invade the birthday party of Brown's son Johnny (Dad is away
at the store buying his son a toy gun at the time!), where they kill
the help, shoot little Johnny in the back and gang-rape Brown's wife
(One of the thugs says, "Wanna see what I got in my pocket? as
he rapes her!), before shooting and killing her too. When Brown comes
home and sees the carnage, he vows revenge and, boy, does he get it!
After cornering one of Hawk's thugs and getting the names of the four
goons who killed his son and raped his wife, Brown goes off with list
in hand looking to do some major damage. Each of the four goons has
their own gang, so it's a non-stop barrage of fighting, gunfights and
explosions as Brown snaps necks, stabs, shoots and blows-up anyone
and anything that gets in his way. He saves the best kills for the
four thugs. One gets an axe planted in his back. Another gets shot in
the balls and, as he is pleading for his life, Brown puts a bullet
between his eyes. The third is blown-up by a grenade while trapped in
his overturned car. The fourth one is tied to a chair, has both of
his kneecaps shot-off as Brown places a timebomb on his crotch
(BOOM!). Finally, Brown invades Hawk's compound with his trusty
rocket and machine gun-equipped motorcycle and dispatches Hawk with a
maneuver best seen to be believed. Let's just say gravity has nothing
on Mr. Brown. This is grand entertainment for those who like
their action and bloodletting devoid of any logic at all. The carnage
comes fast and furious, some of it so unbelievable you'll be shaking
your head in amazement. In one scene, Brown is captured and being
tortured by having his back branded with a red-hot poker. He then
breaks free and shoves the same poker up the torturer's ass! There's
also a perilous car chase/shootout through the streets of Jakarta
that can best be described as delirious (especially the "tree
through the windshield" and the "slippery tomatoes"
gags). There are too many quotable lines of dialogue (supplied by
screenwriter Deddy Armand) to mention, but my favorite one comes
early in the film when a crook says to Brown: "Who are you?"
Brown replies simply: "Death." No one ever accused Chris
Mitchum of being a good actor (watch him trying to emote when he's
being tortured to see him at his "best"), but he excels in
roles like this where emotion is secondary to running around blowing
up shit. Single-monikered director Arizal (SPECIAL
SILENCERS - 1979; THE STABILIZER
- 1984) delivers the goods in the action department as FINAL
SCORE is non-stop from the get-go (so many buildings explode
in this that you wonder if producer Gope T. Samtani was also in the
housing renewal business) and he also sprinkles a healthy dose of
black humor in some scenes. In one scene, where Brown is laying waste
to one of Hawk's warehouses, one thug says to another, "You're
not afraid to die, are you soldier?" The other one salutes, says
"No sir!" and then is promptly gunned down by Brown.
Priceless! The dialogue between the goons will make you laugh out
loud as they spout line like, "Who are you calling an asshole,
you asshole?!" and "Fuck you AND your mother!" So,
leave your brain at the door, sit down, press PLAY and enjoy the
show. Also starring Ida Iasha, Dicky Zulkarnaen and Zainal Abidin.
Available from Vomitbag Video
in a nice sharp transfer taken from Japan's Columbia Video label.
What are you waiting for? Not Rated.
FIST
OF GLORY (1991) - Here's a
Filipino-made war actioner with a twist. A group of Army Special
Forces commandos, led by Johnny Reynolds (Dale "Apollo"
Cook; AMERICAN
KICKBOXER 2 - 1993), are sent out on a top-secret mission in
the jungles of Cambodia during the final months of the Vietnam War.
During an intense battle with the enemy, where they are vastly
outnumbered (there are more grenade and rocket explosions than you
can shake a stick at), Johnny is seriously injured but is saved by
his buddy and fellow team member James Lee (Maurice Smith: BLOODFIST
II - 1990). Three months later, when Johnny is released from
the hospital in Saigon, he goes to look up James to thank him for
saving his life, only to discover that James has gone AWOL. Johnny
finds out that James has become a hopeless heroin addict and is
working for a Saigon drug lord named Mad Dog Dugan (Bob Larson; ANGELFIST
- 1992), who enters James in a martial arts tournament called the
Muay Thai Death Duel, where two people enter the Arena of Blood and
only one comes out alive. Mad Dog keeps James so
pumped-up with heroin that he hardly recognizes Johnny, so Johnny
decides to enter the tournament to get close to James and, hopefully,
save his life. Johnny teams up with trainer Max Gunther (Robert
Marius; WARRIORS
OF THE APOCALYPSE - 1985) to get in shape for a series of
matches in the Arena of Blood, where Mad Dog promises him that if he
wins, he can have a one-on-one match with James. If Johnny wins, he
can permanently retire James from the ring and clean him up. Johnny
wins all his matches and faces-off with James, who snaps out of his
heroin haze long enough the recognize Johnny and they both escape the
ring. This doesn't please Mad Dog, who now wants James back. While
Johnny detoxes James (it only takes 24 hours!), Mad Dog kills Max, so
Johnny and James use their military training to get some good-old
American payback. Armed with automatic weapons and explosives, the
duo lay waste to Mad Dog and his operation. Since I try not to
read the synopsis on the back of the VHS boxes before I watch a film
(most of them give away too much information), I thought this film
was going to be a straight war actioner (look at the front of the VHS
box and you'll get the same impression). For the first twenty minutes
it is, but then it takes a 180-degree turn and becomes a standard BLOODFIST-style
martial arts flick and not a very good one at that.
Director/screenwriter Jo(e) Mari Avellana (SPYDER
- 1988; BLACKBELT II:
FATAL FORCE - 1993), a frequent collaborator with prolific
Filipino director Cirio H. Santiago (he wrote, or co-wrote, the
screenplays to Santiago's FINAL
MISSION [1984], FAST GUN
[1987] and BEHIND ENEMY LINES
[1987], as well as co-starring in his CAGED
FURY [1983], SILK
[1986], DEMON OF PARADISE
[1987], among many others), can't seem to make up his mind what type
of film he wanted to make here. It sure didn't help casting non-actor
Dale "Apollo" Cook in the lead role, because he is one of
the worst real-life martial artists-turned-B-movie action heroes to
come out of the late-80's/early-90's. If his line readings were any
stiffer, he would be laying on a morgue table waiting for the rib-spreader.
Director Avellana, who seems to have a fetish for explosions, does
infuse the war portion of the film with a sense of verve (something
he picked up, no doubt, from Santiago) and the final ten minutes are
also action-packed, but the majority of this flick is just a tired
rehash of countless other martial arts tournament films. Since
Avellana also wrote the screenplay to the wacky-beyond-words THE
KILLING OF SATAN (1983), I'll give him a pass on FIST OF GLORY.
Besides, he does manage to include the appearance of a midget during
one of the fight sequences. Is there anything more adorable than
watching a tiny person running around in nothing but a pair of
shorts? No, there isn't! Just what is the Philippines' fascination
with dwarves anyway? Is there something in the water supply? The
country seems to be overrun with the little suckers. Also starring
Eric Hahn, Jim Moss, Tonichi Fructuoso, Geno Bolda, Tony Cooper,
Ernie Santana, Jim Gaines and Joe Fischer. A Vidmark
Entertainment Release. Not available on DVD. Rated R.
FIVE
DEADLY ANGELS (1980) - The
success of TV's CHARLIE'S ANGELS
(1976 - 1981) spawned many imitators, including this Indonesian
action flick. A scientist named Hardy invents a new type of explosive
("With this type of formula, people can blow up mountains
without any danger!" What? How is that fucking possible?), but
he worries about it falling into the wrong hands ("If crooks get
a hold of it, imagine the bloody big bang it would cause!" What
a minute, I thought it was safe!). Immediately after making those
statements, Hardy and his girlfriend Yanti (Yati Octavia) are
kidnapped, blindfolded and taken to the home of the big boss, Mr.
Brutho, who tells Hardy that he either hands over the formula or he
will kill Yanti. Fortunately, Yanti (who is an expert marksman)
escapes and is saved on the side of a road by Anita (Debby Cynthia
Dewi; MYSTICS IN BALI -
1981), a chick in a black leather outfit (complete with black cowboy
hat) who beats the crap out of one of Mr. Brutho's goons in super
slow-motion, destroying his car in the process. Anita agrees to help
Yanti in her quest to rescue her boyfriend (It seems Anita is tired
of being mistreated by the "greasers" in town), but first
they have to save Yanti's mother and young sister from the clutches
of some kidnappers, leading to a comedic car chase that ends with the
kidnappers dying in a fiery crash (Not so funny now, is it?). Yanti
and Anita stop at a disco for
some drinks (Killing bad guys makes you thirsty. It's a known fact.
Look it up.), where they watch Dana (Dana Christina; THE
STABILIZER - 1984) sing a disco tune in Indonesian and she
agrees to help in Yanti's plight (Dana is an expert knife thrower as
well as a singer). The trio turns into a quartet when crossbow expert
Lydia (Lydia Kandou) joins the team and then turns into a quintet
when kung-fu expert Lulu, The Lightning Lady (Eva Arnaz; THE
WARRIOR - 1981) takes up arms to join the fight. Lulu beats
the snot out of a male motorcycle gang in a restaurant (complete with
transvestite waitress!), where in one hilarious scene, a restaurant
patron swallows a raw egg and coughs-up a live baby chick! When two
of Brutho's goons kidnap Anita, the other four girls rescue her and
tie-up the two goons, leaving each one of them a "gift": a
live crab shoved down their pants! When Mr. Brutho is finally
successful in kidnapping Yanti's mother and baby sister, Yanti and
the four superhero chicks perform a daring raid on Brutho's
compounds, resulting in death, destruction (including one hellacious
explosion) and a helicopter rescue, where each of the women use their
individual talents to good effect. Hooray for female power!
This is a hilariously bad action flick, complete with awful dubbing
(where everyone speaks with an Australian accent), badly-staged
action scenes (which are either cranked-up in the camera way too fast
or way too slow, giving some sequences, such as the car chases, a
Keystone Kops feel, and other sequences, such as the women running or
fighting in super slow-motion, a SIX
MILLION DOLLAR MAN look, complete with the patented Steve
Austin sound effects!) and comedy mixed with sudden tragedy. That's
what makes these Indonesian action films so wonderful to watch. No
matter how hard you try, you can't possibly anticipate what's to come
next. Director/screenwriter Danu Umbara (JUNGLE
VIRGIN FORCE - 1982) consistantly surprises the viewer here,
such as when Lydia's obese female assistant Fatsy pisses in her pants
when Lydia shoots an apple off her head with a crossbow or the
head-scratching sequence where Dana breaks out into song to cheer-up
Yanti and we're then treated to a pre-MTV music video montage of Dana
singing on a beach while wearing a variety of bikinis. Particularly
funny is the dastardly Mr. Brutho, who precedes all his dialogue by
saying "I'm a good man!" and then doing simply awful
things, like shooting his own men for fucking-up, siccing his dogs on
his girlfriend for trying to help Hardy escape or hanging Yanti's
young sister over a pit of poisonous snakes to force Hardy to turn
over the formula. The film is also full of oddball characters (one of
Brutho's best goons has a scar on the side of his face that looks
like a giant leech), explosions and a smattering of gore, so why not
sit back, put your brain in neutral and just get lost in the
craziness that is known as FIVE
DEADLY ANGELS? It's worth the dead brain cells. Danu Umbara
directed a sequel the following year, CEWEK JAGOAN BERASKI KEMBALI
(which roughly translated means "The
Deadly Angels Strike Back"), starring Dewi, Christina and
Arnaz, but it doesn't seem to have received an English-friendly home
video release. Also starring Rakhmat Hidayat, Cok Simbara, Dorman
Borisman, Agust Melasz, Ade Irawan, Suzy Bolle, Malino Djunaedy,
Ramli Ivar, Evie Susanto and Eddy Yonathan. This did get a very
limited VHS release in the U.S. on the obscure Video Link label (I
never heard of them before!); the print I viewed was sourced from a
Dutch-subtitled VHS tape. Those fucking Dutch were some very lucky
bastards. Not Rated.
FORCE:
FIVE (1981) - An assassin fails
to kill Reverend Rhee (Master Bong Soo Han; THE
TRIAL OF BILLY JACK - 1974), the leader of The World Wide
Church, a Jim Jones-like religious cult, when the Reverend's head
goon, Carl (Bob Schott), catches him before he can pull the trigger,
forcing the Reverend to torture the assassin with acupuncture needles
until he gives up his employer. After finding out that the employer
is William Stark (Michael Prince), an old nemesis of the Reverend who
lost the use of both of his legs the last time they met, the Reverend
apparently lets the assassin go free, only to be killed by something
that roams the underground corridors of the Reverend's cavernous
mansion cellar. Stark hires black belt Jim Martin (Joe Lewis; JAGUAR
LIVES - 1979) to put together a team of specialists to enter
the Reverend's Palace of Celestial Tranquility (basically a secret
place where the Reverend brainwashes his members) and rescue Cindy
Lester (Amanda Wyss), the daughter of a rich businessman who has
fallen for the Reverend's religious mumbo-jumbo. Jim picks five
people he has worked with in the past to make
up his team and we are introduced to them in a series of brief
vignettes to show us their fighting skills: Billy (Benny Urquidez),
Lockjaw (Sonny Barnes), Ezekial (Richard Norton; RAIDERS
OF THE SUN - 1991), Laurie (Pam Huntington) and Willard (Ron
Hayden), whom the rest break-out of an Ecuadorian prison. Carl kills
Stark by attaching his useless legs to cables connected to cars going
in the opposite direction (drawn and half-quartered, if you will),
but the Force: Five team (shouldn't they be called Force: Six?)
continue with their mission to rescue Cindy. The team goes undercover
as the aides to Senator Forrester (Peter MacLean), who has come to
the Reverend's fortress on a goodwill tour, mainly to make sure that
there are no people there being kept against their will. The
detection of an undercover newspaper reporter who has infiltrated the
Church nearly blows the team's identity, but the Reverend deals him
with in the same manner as the assassin earlier in the film. It all
comes to a boil when the Reverend plans to kill the Senator and all
the other interlopers in a helicopter crash. Expect a lot of flying
feet and fists before this film wraps up. This martial arts
actioner, directed and written by Robert Clouse, who gave us such
70's & 80's drive-in classics like ENTER
THE DRAGON (1973), BLACK
BELT JONES (1974), GOLDEN
NEEDLES (1974), THE
ULTIMATE WARRIOR (1975), THE PACK
(1977), GAME OF DEATH
(1979), DEADLY EYES
(1982) and the unforgettable GYMKATA
(1985), may not represent Clouse at his prime, but there are glimpses
of brilliance here. Particularly interesting are when Jim and his
team break Willard out of prison, causing death and destruction, only
to discover that Willard is living the high life behind bars (his
cell is enormous and contains a huge projection TV, a sectional sofa
and a separate bedroom!) and is bedding the warden's beautiful
daughter. The only reason Willard agrees to go with them is because
they ruined the good thing he had going there (especially when the
warden finds out about his daughter!). There's also the mystery as to
what roams the basement corridors of the Reverend's Palace of
Celestial Tranquility (which is given away if you look at the patch
worn by the Reverend's followers); the Reverend's punishment of a
quartet of his men who fail to properly guard the huge stash of drugs
and guns he has in his warehouse (think very sharp spurs and exposed
necks); and lots of martial arts fights with plenty of over-amped
sound effects. It's apparent that Clouse based his screenplay on the
Jim Jones tragedy in Guyana (this is also an unofficial remake of
director Oscar Williams' HOT POTATO
[1976], minus most of the humor), but Jim's team makes sure that the
outcome is not the same (no mass suicide here), just lots of fights,
a smidgen of gore (when Richard Norton kills a man by tossing a
rotary saw blade into his stomach, he says, "Thank God for Black
and Decker!") and the Reverend's ability to turn himself
invisible (a talent I don't believe Jim Jones had). FORCE:
FIVE is entertaining in a mindless sort of way and
head-and-shoulders above Clouse's (who died in 1997) later films,
including CHINA O'BRIEN
(1990), CHINA O'BRIEN 2
(1991) and IRONHEART
(1992; his last film). Not to be confused with the 1975 TV movie FORCE
FIVE, which has an eerily similar plot. Hmmmm... Also
starring Tom Villard (POPCORN -
1991) as a fervent Church disciple, Dennis Mancini as the unfortunate
reporter and Mel Novak (SWORD
OF HEAVEN - 1984) as the assassin. Originally released on
VHS by Media
Home Entertainment and, according to Amazon.com,
it was once available on DVD in the States through a company called
Rising Sun Productions (I've never seen a scan of it anywhere),
although there are Australian and
German DVDs readily available for people with multi-region DVD
players. Now Available on a beautiful anamorphic
widescreen DVD from Scorpion
Releasing. Rated R.
GOLD
RAIDERS (1983) - A plane
containing $200 million in gold bars is shot down while flying over
Laos. The CIA, working with the Thai government, sends a team, led by
ex-lovers Mark Banner (a badly-dubbed Robert Ginty) and Cordelia
Dubois (Sarah Lagenfeld), to retrieve the gold in the crashed plane
in the Laos jungle before the enemy gets their hands on it to
purchase weapons for their revolution. Before they take off, one of
the team members is captured by an opium warlord (simply called
"Chief") and he agrees to lead the warlord's men to the
gold in exchange for his life and a share of the gold. Mark, Cordelia
and the team (with a new member to replace the captured one) paddle
down the Mekong River disguised as gooks and are almost captured by
enemy soldiers, but the appearance of a shark (!) enables them to get
away. While Cordelia is scuba diving looking for a missing weapons
cache, some enemy scuba divers appear and, before you know it,
there's a major underwater speargun/knife-fight underway. Mark,
Cordelia and the team (now known simply as the Gold
Raiders) get away, thanks
to some well-placed underwater mines and submergable water scooters.
They make it to an enemy outpost, where we witness a bald-headed Thai
General (Pichai Vasnasong) with a wooden leg rape a woman and then
kill two of his own men when they don't repair a broken American
helicopter fast enough (he grabs an automatic rifle and shoots the
helicopter, blowing it to smithereens, along with the two mechanics).
After the General leaves, the Gold Raiders kill all the enemy
soldiers at the outpost and meet their secret connection, who
supplies Mark with a prototype flying "missile motorcycle"
that runs on magic "crystals" rather than gasoline. The
evil General is assigned by his superiors to find the missing gold,
so he goes to a jungle village (where the local dogs surround him and
try to bite his wooden leg!) and tries to locate one of the downed
plane's pilots, who parachuted out of the plane before it crashed and
is now hopelessly in love with a local blind girl. The pilot and the
blind girl find the Gold Raiders instead and now it's a race between
three parties to find the crashed plane and the missing gold. Who
will come out on top? I seriously wanted to dislike this film
from the moment I heard Robert Ginty's (THE
EXTERMINATOR
- 1980; WHITE FIRE - 1982)
poorly-dubbed voice (I guess they couldn't pay him enough to stick
around and dub his own voice), but the fact of the matter is that
this Thailand-lensed flick, directed/produced by P. (Philip) Chalong
(real name: Chalong Pakdivijit; H-BOMB -
1973; KUNG FU BROTHERS
- 1973; THE LOST IDOL
- 1990; IN GOLD WE TRUST
- 1990), is so goofy and full of "What The Fuck?" moments,
it won me over almost immediately (In the beginning of the film, the
downed plane's pilot deploys his parachute and crashes through the
roof of a hut. The blind girl asks, "What's that noise?" A
little boy answers, "Someone's dropped in!"). There's also
a half-hearted attempt at social relevance about taking sides in a
political war where there can be no winners, but it's hard to take it
seriously when the film is full of scenes like the one where the
drunk General picks the tribal leader's daughter ("Hey, I want
that young one there!") and removes his wooden leg before he
rapes her, only to have his leg stolen by the tribal leader's dog!
There's also the scene where the missile motorcycle (it's nothing but
a motor scooter mounted on a hang glider) takes flight in the air,
but not before magically sprouting two huge training wheels on the
back wheel (Where the hell did they come from?). Toss in two attacks
by the biggest red-eyed vampire bats I've ever seen, lots of bloody
violence (stabbings, bullet hits, knives tossed into the foreheads of
enemy soldiers, exploding bodies and a hatchet to the neck) and an
American villian called "Dr. Pinkeye", and what you end up
with is a nonsensical, thoroughlly entertaining action flick with a
few surprises along the way. My favorite line comes towards the end
of the film when Cordelia is shot dead by an enemy soldier and Mark
looks at her lifeless body and says, "Is she dead?" Simply
priceless. At 109 minutes, GOLD RAIDERS
little overlong, but it still manages to hold your interest
throughout. Leave your brain at the door and enjoy the ride. Also
starring William Stevens, Dusty Rhodes (not the wrestler with the
same name), Sombat Krung Ron, Manop Noppol Reed, Nawarat Lalana
Vasana and Somchai Poom Rong. A Media
Home Entertainment VHS Release. Also available on widescreen
Japanese DVD. Not Rated.
THE
GREAT SKYCOPTER RESCUE (1980) -
What a total piece of crap! This is the type of film where everyone
exists in some type of screwed-up alternate universe, where a radio
disc jockey wears a space suit (complete with helmet) while doing a
solo show in his cramped booth and everyone owns their own portable
flight machine (be it airplane, glider, hot air balloon or
skycopter). When a motorcycle gang blows up the van of radio disc
jockey Jimmy Jet (Terry Michos), amateur pilot Will Powerski (Paul
Tanashian) drops out of the sky in one of his hand-built portable
airplanes and offers Jimmy a ride home. After explaining his last
name to Jimmy by simply stating, "I'm Polish!", Will flies
Jimmy to his home and shows Jimmy his newest invention, the
"skycopter", a combination helicopter/airplane. The main
plot deals with oil being found underneath the town of Libertyville
and a crooked real estate developer, by the name of Mr. L.B. Jason
(William 'BLACULA' Marshall, in
an embarassing low point in his career), who tries to keep the oil
discovery secret and attempts to buy all of Libertyville's land. He
hires the same
motorcycle gang that blew up Jimmy's van to terrorize the town and,
with the help of corrupt Sheriff Burgess (Aldo Ray, who else?), Mr.
Jason plans on scaring all the townspeople out of their homes,
thereby buying their properties at rock-bottom prices. Will and Jimmy
become fast friends and then business partners. They soon catch on to
Mr. Jason's plan and battle the motorcycle gang from the air. That's
about the whole plot in a nutshell. The rest of the unrelenting 96
minute running time is filled with endless scenes of skycopters in
flight (a late 70's fad that, thankfully, never caught on because
they are noisy as hell), a motorcycle gang that is about as scary as
a toothless old woman gumming corn on the cob and some of the worst
action scenes in late 70's cinema. The finale finds Will calling on
all his friends, who all own one type of flying machine or another,
to lead an aerial assault on the town of Libertyville, as they drop
explosives on the bikers while Wagner's "Flight Of The
Valkryies" plays on the soundtrack. The town then celebrates at
a disco. You've been hustled! When you find out that this film
was directed/produced and co-written by Lawrence D. Foldes, who also
made the notoriously-bad films NIGHTSTALKER
(1979), YOUNG WARRIORS
(1983) and NIGHTFORCE
(1986), you basically know what to expect here: Bad acting,
awkwardly-staged action sequences and some washed-up stars earning
some extra booze money (Aldo Ray stayed smashed thanks to roles in
films like this). Most of the film plays like some G-rated kiddie
fare but, every once in a while, Foldes throws in a swear word or
some nudity (including some bare-assed shots of male stars Michos and
Tanashian) to try to fool you into believing that you're watching
something adult. William Marshall seems to have filmed all his scenes
on one set in a single day. He looks extremely embarassed spouting
such cringe-worthy dialogue like, "That lard-ass sheriff can be
bought with a keg of beer!" or "Oh God, how I love to take
advantage of the underdogs!" in his distinctive baritone voice.
It's like watching Sir Laurence Olivier perform in a Three Stooges
short. The motorcycle gang seen here is about as frightening as a
bunch of 3 year-olds on tricycles. Their idea of scaring the town
into submission consists of setting cars on fire, disrupting some
drive-in restaurant customers' meals and one gang member steals a
girl's ice cream cone! GILLIGAN'S
ISLAND's Professor, Russell Johnson, puts in a quick cameo
as Will's friend, Professor Benson (typecasting 101), who supplies
Will with all the explosives he'll need to take back the town from
those nasty bikers. This awful action film was filmed in 1980, but
wasn't released until 1982. Doesn't that tell you all you need to
know? Believe it or not, this film was "Produced in association
with the Academy of Science Fiction and Horror Films Internship
Program". That could explain why that academy's president, Dr.
Donald A. Reed, was Casting Director here. Also starring Alex Mann,
Terri Taylor, Maria Rebman, Kim Johnson and Richard Adams. This
Cannon Films Release escaped on home video courtesy of MGM/UA
Home Video in one of their patented big box flipper cases. Not
Rated.
H-BOMB
(1973/1976) - Someone is killing the world's best CIA agents in
this Thailand-lensed actioner from the always-dependable P. Chalong (KUNG
FU BROTHERS - 1973; S.T.A.B.
- 1976; GOLD RAIDERS - 1983; THE
LOST IDOL - 1990; IN
GOLD WE TRUST - 1990).
The first CIA agent is blown-up in mid-air while parasailing. The
second agent is shot point-blank in a train car by a shady character
with a silencer-equipped pistol. The dunderheads back in Washington
D.C. are extremely worried, because those dead agents were sent to
Thailand to retrieve a stolen experimental missile, codenamed
"Project Alpha", with a 20 megaton warhead. The D.C.
dickheads believe one of four people or groups can be responsible for
the theft of the missile and the deaths of the agents: Power-mad
General Yang; brutal businessman Jake Koo; a group of ninja-clad
nutjobs called the Fuji Terrorists; or that old Cold War standby, the
KGB. Washington decides to send another CIA agent to Thailand to
uncover the truth, the hugely successful and unorthodox Eddie Fulmer
(a badly-dubbed Christopher Mitchum; FINAL SCORE
- 1986), who fakes-out Koo's waiting henchmen by dressing as a priest
as he steps off the plane (the henchmen end up following the wrong
guy!). Eddie is informed by his CIA contact that he must cozy-up to
Erica (Olivia Hussey, Mitchum's co-star in THE
SUMMERTIME KILLER [1972]), who happens to be Eddie's
ex-girlfriend AND the daughter of Jake Koo (boy, that's some
coincidence). Koo is working in cahoots with General Yang to gain
possession of Project Alpha (who really has possession of it is not
made clear). Eddie joins forces with Thai Secret Service Agent
Winlock and Officer Lila when they save Eddie from an attack by the
Fuji Terrorists. Luckily, today is Erica's birthday, so Eddie attends
her huge party and meets daddy Koo and his head henchman Zeke (Krung
Sivilat), who is instantly wary of Eddie after this hilarious
exchange: Zeke (after shaking hands with Eddie): "You've
got a smooth touch." Eddie: "Yeah, well I cream
twice a day with Bonds." (I nearly shit my pants!). Koo orders
Zeke to keep an eye on Eddie, who ends up falling back in love with
Erica, but her father has promised her hand in marriage to Zeke.
Someone tries to kill Eddie at the party, which leads to a car chase
that ends with the bad guy decapitating himself when he rams his car
into the blades of a crane at a junkyard. Things get complicated when
the KGB tries to kidnap Erica, but Zeke saves her (another car chase
with a couple of good stunts); the Fuji Terrorists make another
attempt on Eddie's life (Won't they ever learn?); and Eddie and Zeke
duke it out for Erica's hand (Eddie loses and ends up chained to a
dungeon wall, pumped full of truth serum). More complications arise
when Eddie is brough
t
on a raid of the Fuji Terrorists' camp by Koo and Zeke to test his
loyalty, only to have the raid be a trap set up by Koo's girlfriend,
who is actually a Fuji Terrorist (even the bad guys can't trust each
other!). The trio manage to escape by stealing a helicopter, which
leads to a finale involving a runaway train and a ship containing the
now-activated Project Alpha, ready to release its 20 megaton glory.
Who will survive? First of all, you must abandon all logic and
believable dialogue (the Australian dubbers hilariously mispronounce
"Asia" as "Aser", "Alpha" as
"Alpher" and tend to add a hard "r" sound to any
word ending in a vowel) if you wish to experience the full joy that
is H-BOMB (made in 1973, but not
released to English-speaking countries until 1976). Director P.
Chalong (real name: Chalong Pakdivijit) and screenwriter Pracha
Poonitwat (!) toss-in numerous gunfights, car chases, explosions and
good old hand-to-hand combat to go along with the ridiculous romantic
rivalry subplot. Throughout the film, Chalong manages to create some
oddball sights, such as topless bodypainted go-go dancers; Koo's
control room, where he not only keeps tabs on every room in his
palatial mansion, he also plays chess against a super computer (and
wins!); a helicopter explosion; a plane explosion; a head-on
collision between two trains (no models here, this is the real deal);
and other sequences best seen by the viewers, including a James
Bond-inspired opening and closing tune, where an unidentified male
singer, trying to sound like Tom Jones, informs us over and over,
"Oh, the end is near!". There are enough double and triple
crosses here to fill a puzzle book, so be prepared to keep your eyes
and ears on the screen. H-BOMB
is another winner in the pantheon of Far East action weirdness. This
Golden Harvest theatrical release, presented by Raymond Chow, was
originally released on VHS in the U.S. by Cinema Group Home Video and
can now be purchased on VCD (widescreen, English-dubbed with
non-removable Chinese subtitles) from Hong Kong outfit Fortune
Star/Joy Sales Film and Video Distributors as part of their Legendary
Collection series. Not Rated.
HILL
171 (1987) - In this Filipino
actioner, a retired Army sergeant (George Camero) puts his old squad
together to find a hidden drug factory located somewhere near the
border. The squad, which consists of champion boxer Johnny (Yusif
Salim; WILD FORCE - 1986; KRIS
COMMANDO - 1987); expert swimmer Ronald (Ronald Miller; CLASSIFIED
OPERATION - 1985); sharpshooter Frankie (Alfred Talby), who
can only shoot straight when he's drunk; expert climber Tarzan (Ben
Aladin); movie stuntman Bruce (Philip Castel); and expert
knife-thrower Slater (Robert Buharis); split-up into groups of two
and search different locations near the border for the drug factory
(but not before we get little peeks into their individual talents,
which culminates in a big fight on a lumberyard movie set). Johnny
and the Sergeant go digging in the woods looking for clues of
marijuana planting and Johnny asks a young girl named Michelle (Jenny
Ferris), who lives in a hut nearby, if he can borrow a pickaxe (he
lies to Michelle, telling her he's a geologist working for the UN).
Tarzan, Slater and Frankie hang out in a bar to see if they
can get some intel on who is running the drug factory and end up
getting into a bar fight (What would a Filipino actioner be without a
bar fight?), when the Big Boss' girl Emma won't quit dancing with
Tarzan (who wears a loincloth instead of pants!). Ronald and Bruce
take jobs at the local quarry, where Ronald meets the foreman's
sister Vicky and two local workers take an instant dislike to the new
pair. Later that night, Johnny and the Sergeant have dinner with
Michelle and her widowed mother and a romance develops between Johnny
and Michelle. Her Mom gives the Sergeant a suspicious look when he
asks if she has noticed anyone planting a large amount of crops in
the area. The next morning, Ronald and Bruce end up fighting the
entire quarry when a $200 bet on a boxing match goes terribly wrong.
All of this activity naturally raises the suspicions of the big drug
boss, known as the Commander (a common name given to both bad and
good guys in Filipino cinema), so he orders his henchmen, Weasel and
Eddie, to kidnap Michelle. The Sergeant and his team formulate a plan
to bring the drug operation down and save Michelle, so they follow
quarry foreman Bobby as he makes a drug drop. After a small fight
where some of Bobby's contacts are killed or captured, Bobby spills
his guts to the team as long as they protect his sister, Vicky. It
seems the Commander's drug factory is located on a heavily guarded
parcel of land called Hill 171. The team devises a plan to sneak up
Hill 171, unaware that the Commander and his men are waiting for them
(The Commander says, "This is going to be just like a turkey
shoot!" as his men laugh hysterically). The bloody finale finds
everyone dead, except for two. Can you guess who they are? I bet you
can. Though way too comical for its own good (There are many
jokes made about Tarzan's smelly penis, which one member of the team
calls his "stinky monkey") and an uncredited screenplay
that goes off on way too many tangents (mainly used as excuses to
introduce some badly choreographed martial arts fights), director
Romeo Montoya (as far as I can tell, his only directorial credit)
redeems himself in the final third of the film when members of the
team get to use their unique talents to assault the drug factory on
Hill 171. Up until this point, a gun is only fired on two occasions
(once to kill a drug smuggler in the film's opening shot and another
to shoot one of Bobby's contacts) and there are no explosions at all,
but once the team make it up the hill and enter the drug factory, the
bullets start to fly and things begin blowing-up in fiery glory.
Still, HILL 171 lacks the non-stop insanity we've come to
expect from 80's Filipino action cinema and points are deducted when
the final assault is filmed in the dead of night and is woefully
underlit, making it impossible to make out who is getting shot or
dying. Thankfully, the battle rages until the sun rises, so we do get
to see some of the good guys use their talents and the bad guys
receiving their just desserts, before most of the good guys also end
up dead (usually by being shot in the back). In the end, though, HILL
171 merely registers as a minor example of what the Philippines
was capable of turning out in the action genre. It's not necessarily
a smelly monkey, but it's no breath of fresh air, either. This Sunny
Film Production (produced by Ann Hung and Sunny Lim), presented by
Davian International Ltd., never had a legitimate U.S. home video
release. The version I viewed was sourced from the British VHS tape
on the Solid Gold Video label. Not Rated.
HOLLOW
POINT (1995) -
All action films should be this entertaining. A deft blend of comedy
and action, this film is sure to
please even the most jaded filmgoer. An ex-DEA agent (Thomas Ian
Griffith, the vampire master in John Carpenters VAMPIRES
- 1998) and an FBI agent (Tia Carrere) join forces with a loony
hitman (an unbelievably funny Donald Sutherland) to bring down a
nasty financier (John Lithgow) who is instrumental in bringing
together the three largest criminal organizations of the world.
Hundreds of millions of dollars are at stake and everyone has their
reasons for getting their hands on it. Laugh out loud funny (how many
action films can make that statement?), this film could have failed
miserably but, thanks to the four leads, it hits nearly every one of
its marks. Griffith impresses as the pill-popping DEA agent who
shows some real comedic talent, both verbal and physical. He and
Carrere (who was also in the excellent THE
IMMORTALS
- 1995) have great chemistry together. Witness the scene where they
display their love by shooting each other in their bulletproof vests!
Its hilarious. The real standout, though, is Sutherland as the
lovable, but dangerous hitman. His performance is great fun. John
Lithgow is no slouch either. We all know his comedic talent is
immense. But an action film is nothing without the action. Director
Sidney J. Furie (DOCTOR
BLOODS COFFIN
-1962, THE
ENTITY
- 1983) brings it on fast and furious, with car crashes, gun battles
and hand-to-foot combat on ample view. This movie is fun to watch,
unlike Furies SUPERMAN
IV:
THE QUEST FOR PEACE
(1987) and LADYBUGS
(1992). After viewing HOLLOW
POINT,
I forgive him for his past sins. Dont take my word for it,
rent it. A Trimark Home Video Release. Rated
R.
HOLLYWOOD
COP (1986) - You know you're in
for something very "special" when, in the opening credits,
the actors' names are shown as stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
The ineptitude that follows is truly staggering. The film opens with
Mob boss Mr. Feliciano (the stoic Jim Mitchum) ordering his goons to
kidnap a little boy from mother Rebecca (Julie Schoen), whose husband
stole six million dollars from Mr. Feliciano three years earlier (why
he's ordering the kidnap now, rather than three years ago, is never
explained). Unable to locate her husband
or come up with six million dollars for the ransom, Rebecca turns to
Hollywood cop Turquoise (David Goss; SHE
- 1983), or "Turquey" for short. We first spot Turquey
breaking up a rape in a motel room, where everyone involved is shot
multiple times and the rapist has his hand, then head, cut off by the
raped woman's husband (you have to see it to believe it). After being
chewed-out by boss Cameron Mitchell, Turquey and partner Jaguar (late
exploitation vet Lincoln Kilpatrick; THE
OMEGA MAN - 1971) help Rebecca find her son. This leads to
an all-woman oil wrestling match, where Jaguar wrestles two women for
$20 and afterwards they get an address for Rebecca's husband. They
find him but he needs three days to get the money together. He
finally gets the money (I guess nothing happened for three days) and
they devise a plan to rescue the boy (it's not much of a plan,
really). Meanwhile, the little boy, who is always being threatened
with physical harm by a goon named Animal ("Eat your sandwich,
you little chicken-shit!"), befriends a dog he talks to through
his barred window. The dog helps the kid escape (!), which leads to a
chase where the dog is killed and the kid being smacked around by
Animal. When Rebecca's husband tries to pay the ransom with
counterfeit money (he's not the sharpest tool in the shed), he is
killed and the kid is not rescued. Turquey is booted off the force
after the failed rescue attempt and then goes on a one man vendetta
to bring those responsible to justice or to just meet their
maker. I can't begin to explain the wonderful awfulness of the
Iranian-funded film. Director Amir Shervan, who would later make KILLING
AMERICAN STYLE (1988) and the even more loopy SAMURAI
COP (1989), hasn't the foggiest idea how to make a remotely
coherent film. The camera setups are all over the place (no two edits
in the same scene ever match), the action laughable (There's one
scene where Jim Mitchum is running with the kid in his arms and he
trips and falls right on the kid! I doubt that it was scripted.), the
acting piss-poor (It's apparent the director used a lot of non-actor
friends in the roles of Feliciano's goons, probably because they
contributed to the budget.) and the dialogue risable ("You're no
Clint Westwood." and "My stomach is a TUMS festival!"
are two lines Cameron Mitchell has to deliver with a straight face.).
The film is also a racist's dream come true, as there are jokes about
Orientals not being able to say the word "Chevrolet"
correctly, jokes about Blacks being on welfare (not to mention Jaguar
being portrayed as someone more interested in chasing women than
dispensing justice) and the film is strewn with Italians with names
like "Spaghetti". Toss in copious amounts of nudity, bad
dubbing, over-the-top violence, gore and Aldo Ray as an Oriental
Triad boss named Mr. Fong (!) and what you get is the PLAN
9 of action films. Many of the scenes in HOLLYWOOD
COP look like they were shot in one take (some people can be
seen waiting for the director to yell "Action!" before they
move) and it's plain to see that Jim Mitchum (CODE
NAME: ZEBRA - 1986) looks like he wants out as soon as
possible. Still, it's entertaining, even if it is for all the wrong
reasons. Know this before you go in and you may have a great time.
Also starring Troy Donahue, Larry Lawrence and Brandon Angle.
Originally released on VHS by Celebrity Home Entertainment. A Digital
Works DVD Release. Not Rated.
HUMAN
PREY (1994) -
Shot on video crapola about a psychiatrist (Cliff Drew) who goes
over the edge and begins
murdering people, including his own patients. This extremely low rent
version of THE
MOST DANGEROUS GAME
(1932) has absolutely nothing to offer the viewer as it is wretchedly
acted, poorly scripted, badly photographed and sound recorded with
two tin cans and a string. I hate shot on video movies and I can
usually spot them from a mile away. The video distributors must be
getting wise to my technique as they are releasing shit like this
with flashy, professionally-done video boxes to disguise the fact
that theres crap inside. I really believe that if it is shot on
video it should say so on the box. This piece of dreck also stars
Gloria Lusiak, Mickey Levy and Lena Pointer. They, along with
director/writer James Tucker, should be forced to watch this turd
over and over for all eternity. From Vista Street Entertainment Home
Video (who turned out those wretched WITCHCRAFT
films), a company that will get no more of my business. Not
Rated.
INFERNO
THUNDERBOLT (1985) -
Another cut-and-paste actioner from director/screenwriter Godfrey Ho
and producers Joseph Lai & Betty Chan (for their IFD Films And
Arts Limited production outfit) that contains the word
"Thunderbolt" in the title (see my reviews of MAJESTIC
THUNDERBOLT [1984], MAGNUM THUNDERBOLT
[1985] and SCORPION
THUNDERBOLT [1985]). Since the word Thunderbolt has no
meaning in any of these films, let's just say that Ho & Lai like
to use the word and move on. As usual for these pastiche films, INFERNO
is actually two films in one: The most lengthy section being an
unreleased Taiwanese revenge thriller (originally titled THE ANGER
[1983], directed by Luk Siu-Fan) and the new footage being inserts of
Richard Harrison (who else?) battling some bad guys every 15 to 20
minutes. The old footage concerns itself with a woman named Allison
(Fonda Lynn; DEADLY DARLING
- 1985) trying to avenge the murder of her younger sister at the
hands of the Rockford Family, one of Kowloon's most notorious crime
syndicates who have their hands in every dirty business in town,
including female mud wrestling (I don't know if it's illegal, but it
sure is dirty!). Allison goes undercover and takes a job as a
waitress at one of Rockford's mud wrestling joints and when she gets
pulled into the mud and defeats the champion, she immediately catches
the eye of Johnny Rockford (Wang Tao), who summons her to his home
the next day (He's sitting in a hot tub and says to Allison in
dubbed halted English, "The burden...of earning a living...rest
heavily...on pretty girls. I want to help you!"). Allison turns
down his offer (and sexual advances), which doesn't sit too well with
Johnny. He orders a hit on reporter Claire (Claire Angela), who is
doing an in-depth article on the Rockford Family's illegal dealings.
This is where the newly-shot footage comes into play. Claire is the
wife of cop Richard (Harrison) and at first Johnny intimidates Claire
by leaving the decapitated head of her pet dog in her kitchen drawer.
Instead of giving up, Claire continues writing her story, much to
Richard's despair (She manages to keep his mind off the situation by
having a long, sweaty and nude lovemaking session with him!). Claire
is eventually killed by a paid assassin (Pierre Tremblay) hired by
Johnny (She is bloodily beaten across her back with a chain) and dies
in Richard's arms. Richard turns vigilante and uses photos in
Claire's camera to identify the assassin and begins hunting him down.
Meanwhile, with the help of ex-boyfriend Michael, Allison pretends to
be Johnny's girlfriend and he brings her home to meet Mama Rockford
(Mona Liu), the wheelchair-bound matriarch of the Rockford Family.
Mama takes an instant dislike to Allison (She says to Johnny,
"Play around with loose women if you want, but as for bringing
them home, forget it!") and kicks Allison out of the house (By
saying, "We're not a free charity...for freeloaders!"). Of
course, Johnny doesn't listen to Mama's advice and begins courting
Allison (Johnny even goes so far as to commit his current girlfriend
Lily [Rose Kuei] to a mental institution, where she is forced to get
daily doses of electroshock treatment!). Allison begins to slowly
dismantle the Rockford Family, first by having Michael pretend to be
a rooftop sniper; purposely shooting Johnny in the shoulder and
making it look like Allison saved him. Johnny then brings Allison
home again, only this time he disobeys Mama's orders when she demands
Allison leaves the house (Johnny says, "She saved my life and
could one day be the mother of your grandchildren!"). As Allison
begins pitting son against mother, Richard (who, for some unknown
reason, now has an Asian sidekick) buys a big-assed handgun from the
black market and begins shaking down and beating the crap out of
street scum while looking for his wife's assassin. I have the feeling
things aren't going to turn out well for the Rockford Family and
their associates. Even though this has all the earmarks of Ho's
cut-and-paste actioners (badly-matched editing of old and new scenes;
a music soundtrack full of stolen cues; terrible English dubbing;
etc.), the fact is that it is still an entertaining mishmash of good
ideas. The older footage is especially interesting, as there is a
strange Oedipal relationship between Mama and Johnny ("Don't
call me Mother! It's Mama!" she screams at Johnny at one point
in the film) and things get really interesting once we discover that
Mama's wheelchair is tricked-out with matching spearguns! Allison's
taking advantage of that incestuous relationship is also pretty
ingenious until she takes it a step too far and it backfires on her
(you can't really separate a son from his mother no matter how hard
you try), as she, too, is sent to the mental institution for some
unwelcome electroshock treatments. In the long run, the Richard
Harrison footage is superfluous and destroys the flow of the film
proper. You should also be made aware that there is precious little
martial arts action or gunplay on view (until the finale), as INFERNO
THUNDERBOLT is more interested in the mechanics of revenge
than the actual act of revenge itself. That is not to say that
there's not plenty of death and destruction (Including a hilarious
shot of Claire dropping a melon in slow-motion when she discovers the
head of her precious dog. It smashes into a million juicy pieces on
the floor in a lame attempt by Ho to symbolize Claire's distress of
losing her pet. It's supposed to be sad, but it comes off as quite
the opposite.), it's just that most of it comes in the final minutes.
I especially loved the scene of Mama shooting a couple of spears into
the ass of her other, porn magazine-addicted, son just before she is
arrested (Now there's symbolism at it's best!). It's distressing that
these Ho/Lai pastiche films get panned as a whole, when there are
actually some very good ones in the bunch. INFERNO THUNDERBOLT
is one of the good ones. It's not perfect, but it sure is a blast to
watch. Also starring Jackie Lim, Donald Kong, Lewis Chan, Kirk Chow
and Raymond Wong. Never released on home video in the U.S.; the print
I viewed was sourced from a Greek-subtitled VHS tape on the Olympic
Video label. Not Rated.
THE
INTRUDER (1986) - This amazing
piece of Indonesian action trash, produced (by the Punjabi Brothers),
written (by Deddy Armand) and starring (Peter O'Brian and several
others) the same people responsible for the must-see action flick THE
STABILIZER (1984), is another beyond-belief experience. In
the opening minutes, we are introduced to Rambu (O'Brian), an
out-of-work ex-cop who saves a woman from two thugs who have hit her
with their car (One thug says to the woman, "Hey lady, look
where you're walking!" She replies, "I was!"). Rambu
breaks the car's windows with a pipe, beats up the thugs and, to
teach them a lesson, repeatedly hits them in the head with his
gravity-defying multi-colored rubber ball, which returns to his hand
after every throw. Unfortunately, the thugs work for drug kingpin
John White (Craig Gavin), who orders his men to kill Rambu. They trap
him in a phone booth, put a black cloth sack over his head and beat
him with pipes, but he breaks free and beats the bejesus out of them.
Mr. White gets mad (He says, "Rambu, Rambu, Rambu! I'm sick and
tired of hearing that name!") and
orders his right-hand man Bram (Kandar Sinyo) to do whatever it
takes to get rid of Rambu. Three of White's men rape and kill Rambu's
friend Jenny (Jenny Farida) after stripping her naked in a lake (One
thug says, "I'm your lover now!"). When Rambu finds out, he
goes to a pool hall where he's about to kill the thugs responsible
for Jenny's death, when the police arrest him. He agrees to work for
government men Mr. Andre (Kaharuddin Syah) and Steve (Harry Capri) to
bring Mr. White to justice. White has his men kidnap Rambu's
girlfriend Ella (Lia Warokka) and tie her up spread-eagle in the
middle of a field as bait (This is after Mr. White tries to rape her,
but is interrupted by his girlfriend). Rambu, his friend Bobby
(Adrian Nugraha) and a dozen men come to her rescue riding in three-wheeled
electric carts in a scene that must be seen to be believed. Rambu
gets Mr. White's safe combination after he beats up Bram then,
dressed as a black ninja, goes to White's office and steals
incriminating documents out of the safe and hands them over to Mr.
Andre. We then find out that Mr. Andre is as crooked as Mr. White, as
he uses the documents to bribe Mr. White out of a million dollars.
When Rambu finds out, the shit (not to mention lots of food) hits the
fan. Rambu goes Rambo in the explosive finale. This crazy
action flick, directed by Jopi Burnama (FEROCIOUS
FEMALE FREEDOM FIGHTERS - 1982; WAR
VICTIMS - 1985), is full of so many wild action sequences (I
still laugh out loud every time I picture Rambu and his rubber ball
of doom) and quotable dialogue, your head will swim. My favorite
sequence comes at a banquet, when Rambu finds out that Mr. Andre is
on the take. He enters the banquet with an aluminum bat and
proclaims, "Fuck you! You dirty, lying, swindling bastards.
You're two of a kind. Fuck you!" and then proceeds to smash all
the food on the tables! In slow motion! Other choice bits of dialogue
are: "Just hold it right there, Rambu. We've got you covered
like a blanket!" and "Give him the blood red carpet
treatment!" Priceless stuff. I also love how Mr. White manages
to kill more of his own people than the opposition. He kills his best
female drug mule (for ratting to the police), his right-hand man Bram
(for giving up the safe combination) and girlfriend Clara (for
turning on him). He's one tough man to work for! The final sequence,
where Rambu ties a red bandana around his forehead and seeks revenge
cements this film from ever getting a legal release on home video in
the United States. Forget for the moment that his name is
"Rambu", Peter O'Brian bears such a striking resemblance to
Sylvester Stallone (not to mention his brother Frank) in the finale,
the makers of the RAMBO
series of films would surely sue for copyright infringement if this
were ever released in America. If you like your action at a fast-pace
clip (who doesn't?) and making about as much sense as our present
goverment's war policies (If I got hit that many times on the head
with a pipe, as Rambu did in the telephone booth sequence, I would
either be dead or a drooling vegetable), then THE
INTRUDER is the film for you. I love those crazy
Indonesians! Also starring Dana Christina, Adang Mansyur and Welan
Gerung. The version I viewed was a dub from a Greek-subtitled
letterboxed VHS on the Master Home Video label. Not Rated.
NOTE: The end credits list Craig Gavin's character as "John
Smith" and Lia Warokka's character as "Angela" even
though it's plain to hear many times as them being referred to as
"John White" and "Ella".
ISLAND
OF LOST GIRLS (1969) -
This is the sixth, and penultimate, entry in the Italy/West Germany
series of KOMMISSAR X films
(1966-1971), where Tony Kendall (THE
LORELEY'S GRASP - 1973) portrays super secret agent/private
detective Jo Walker, code name "Kommissar X" and Brad
Harris (GIRL IN ROOM 2A
- 1973) is his frazzled partner, Captain Tom Rowland. This entry
finds the crime fighting pair in Bangkok, Thailand (filmed on
location), where they are investigating the kidnapping of a young
woman, who is taken to a secret island to be drugged and and
brainwashed into turning tricks for a criminal organization headed by
Madam Kim Soo (Vilaiwan Vatanapanich).
The film opens with tourists Phyllis (Hansi Linder; THE
MAD BUTCHER - 1972) and her mother Maud Leighton (Loni
Heuser) taking in a kickboxing match and then taking a boat tour
through the canals of Bangkok (The tour guide calls Bangkok the
"Venice of the Orient", but it looks like a dirty, stinking
hole!). When they stop to do some shopping, Phyllis is kidnapped by
two screwy goons, Fingers (Herbert Fuchs; MARK
OF THE DEVIL - 1970) and Curly (Pino Mattei; FLOWER
WITH THE DEADLY STING - 1973). They throw her in a boat and
take off, Maud not seeing anything (She's too busy buying a caged
bird and letting it go, a Thailand tradition for gaining good luck.
It looks like it didn't work!). Maud asks friend Captain Rowland, who
is in Bangkok for a police conference, to find her daughter, so he
calls up Jo Walker in New York and tells him to come to Thailand.
Almost immediately, a woman, under orders from criminal mastermind
Armand Landru (Walter Brandi; BLOODY
PIT OF HORROR - 1965), tries to kill Tom by gassing him
while he is taking a shower, but he escapes and discovers that she
has taken all
his clothes. In a scene of very funny comedy, Tom borrows some
clothes from a bellboy (The clothes are so small on the Captain, the
pants look like shorts!) and tries rushing to the airport to pick up
Jo, but everything he tries doesn't work out for him. As he leaves
the hotel, a dwarf hotel employee chases him, thinking he is a
bellboy shirking his duties (!) so he hops into a taxi that drives
way too slow. He jumps out of the taxi and buys a motorized bicycle
taxi (!), but it runs out of gas. Meanwhile, Jo arrives at the
airport and gets a ride from a stewardess he met on the plane (Women
find him irresistable, a running joke in all the films in this
series). He then hops into a taxi, but a truck blocks its way. Jo
sees something poke out of a hole in the truck bed and jumps out,
just before a flamethrower turns the taxi into a flaming wreck (This
scene is very surprising because a real flamethrower was used to
destroy the taxi). It leads into a gunfight between him and Fingers
& Curly, which then leads to a fistfight (there are many in this
film, all well done). Just when it look like curtains for Jo, Tom
arrives and hits Curly with the three-wheeled taxi (he got some gas),
sending him flying into a nearby lake.
The criminal organzation tries several times to kill Jo and Tom, but
each time they save each other's skin (Jo is injected with a
paralyzing agent while Landru puts a cobra on his bed and just as the
snake is about to bite him, Tom arrives and shoots the cobra in the
head). Jo notices that all the people who try to kill them have a
tattoo of "Three Golden Serpents" (an alternate title for
this film) on their wrists. Meanwhile, on the island, Phyllis is
befriended by Petra (Rotraut de Nève), who escapes the island
by riding a mudsled (you have to see it in action!) out to the ocean
while the tide is low. After several close calls on his life
(Including the flamethrower truck trying to run him over and crashing
into the ocean. You can see that this was a dangerous stunt for the
stuntman, one who barely escapes with his life! This leads to another
gunfight/fistfight in a warehouse.), Jo discovers that the only way
on the island is to be drugged and put on a boat, only waking up when
they are on the island (The organization does this to all clients, so
they don't know where the island is located.). Tom fakes being
drugged by a creepy Chinese man and when he is put on the boat, Madam
Kim Soo knows he isn't drunk ("You're detestable. All white men
are!"), so when he reaches the island, Fingers and Curly tie him
to a post with the captured Petra (She is killed with a poisoned
blowdart). Luckily, Jo has a transmitter in a lotus flower he has on
his lapel, so Tom can track him. Fingers throws the lotus to the
ground and steps on it. Will Tom be able to track and save Jo? (A
police captain says to Tom: "Take it easy. I'll make you a
scotch and soda.") Will the criminal organization be defeated?
The answer is yes to both questions, as Tom parachutes on to the
island and the film ends in one gigantic mud fight! (Tom to Jo:
"After this, your name is mud!")
This film is fun on so many levels, I was sad when it ended. The
comedy works, which is rare for a film like this. Most of the comedy
has to do with the normally stiff Brad Harris, but he and Tony
Kendall had worked together on so many occasions, you can see the
chemistry between them. There's also a hilarious scene where it is
obvious the English dubbers were having fun. It has to do with a song
a black singer is crooning in a nightclub. Very seldom do her lips
match the lyrics to the song and it is very funny when you listen to
the actual lyrics to the song (I'll leave it for you to discover).
Director Roberto Mauri (KONG
ISLAND - 1968) uses the locations to good effect and shows a
sure hand in the action scenes. There's a boat chase/explosion, a
crocodile attack (Madam Kim Soo owns a crocodile farm), a few car
chases and plenty of fights. If you like your action films fast and
loose, I recommend this one highly. Now I have to get my hands on the
other six entries in this franchise! I saw this streaming for free on
Amazon Prime. The print is widescreen and full of emulsion scratches,
but it only adds to the charm. You would think with the subject
matter that there would be plenty of nudity, but there is very
little, yet the females are seen with very little clothing, showing
us their busty charms. Also starring Carlos de Castro, Monica Pardo,
Marsh Thomson and Chana Sriubol. Rated R, but there is nothing
here that bears out that rating, just good-natured fun.
I
WANT TO GET EVEN (1987)
-
Indonesia: Where everyone knows how to fight, women are cheap and bad
guys are bald. At least in their movies, that is. This Indonesian
rape/revenge action flick (from Rapi Films, Indonesia's main purveyor
of sleazy entertainment) opens with a bald, sweaty guy trying to rape
a woman in his bed. When she fights back, he gives up and has his men
toss her out of the house (his men blindfold and tie her hands behind
her back with strips of cloth torn from her dress and then roll her
down a hill!). The bald guy (everyone calls him "Boss", a
fairly common name in Indonesian genre films) then smokes a joint
while scantily-clad women practice martial arts around him. We then
cut to him drinking in a disco, where we learn that his real name is
Cobra (Rengga Takengon). He hits on cashier Irma (Eva Arnaz), but she
turns him down, which doesn't make Cobra happy at all. The film then
switches to Rudy (Clift Sangra), who is the husband of Irma, who is
pregnant. Rudy has major anger issues, especially when he gets
sexually excited. Whenever he gets aroused, he turns violent, which
is not good news for Irma and the baby in her belly, especially since
her doctor warns Irma that she's going to have a rough pregnancy and
any violent jerks or pulls could endanger her baby. Meanwhile, Cobra
has his men return to the disco and kidnap Irma (What???). They shoot
her up with heroin and place her on Cobra's bed (One of Cobra's men
says to him, "Enjoy yourself!"). When Irma fights back,
Cobra gives her to his men and they gang-rape her (When one guy is
done, another one says to him, "That was quick!"). She
escapes before they can kill her and she is
picked-up by a friendly pedicab driver and taken home. We then switch
to Rudy, who dumps Irma out of his speeding car when he finds out
that her baby is the product of the gang-rape by Cobra's men (He says
to Irma, just before she flys out the door, "You and your baby
are going straight to Hell!"). After slapping around a
prostitute, Rudy questions the pedicab driver that drove Irma home
and he then goes to beat-up Cobra's men (in an awful display of
martial arts), but he is badly punched-around instead. Luckily, the
police show up and save his ass, but the bad guys get away. Rudy then
throws Irma out of their home when she refuses to get an abortion
("Leave now! I never want to see your face again!"). Things
take a turn into the Twilight Zone when Rudy rapes Mia (Nenna
Rosier), the sister of Cobra's top henchman Ronnie (Hendro
Tangkilisan), in retribution for Irma's rape. Ronnie and his men then
ride their motorcycles through Rudy's home, tie him up, drag him
behind a motorcycle until they get to Ronnie's hideout and then beat
him to a bloody pulp ("I'll teach you for messin' with my
sister!"). Irma gets the abortion (We get to see the bloody,
aborted fetus!) and Rudy takes her back. Rudy then goes to Ronnie's
hideout and kills a couple of Ronnie's men with gunfire. He then
heads to Cobra's house, where Ronnie, Mia, Cobra, Rudy and the police
duke it out. Irma then shows up dressed like Rambo (!) and kills
Cobra with a nifty rocket launcher. What the hell?!? It's
really hard to keep on track with this film because it's told in a
confusing, non-linear manner. The dubbing, as always, is atrociously
hilarious (You never know what's going to come out of people's
mouths, such as when Cobra rapes Mia. He says to her, "Your
brother said you'd love it!" while his female goon, who is
listening downstairs, performs fellatio on her own thumb!). Let's
talk about Cobra for a moment. Besides looking like Sid Haig's
retarded brother, it seems that he spends 90% of his screen time
raping women while dressed in nothing but white briefs. He's a rather
ineffectual rapist, too, as the only woman he really rapes is Mia.
When the other women fight back, he loses interest quickly and tosses
them to his men. For a film that deals with so much rape, there's
very little nudity. The women usually keep their bras and panties on
or are filmed at angles where objects in the forefront cover their
naughty bits. There is some nudity, but it is only a couple of quick
frames and you'll have to hit the Pause button if you want to get a
good look. Director Maman Firmansjah (ESCAPE
FROM HELL HOLE - 1983) hasn't got the slightest clue how to
establish continuity or film an action scene. The timeline is
non-existant (I was scratching my head on several occasions,
especially with Irma's scenes) and the finale contains the slowest
car chase and badly-choreographed fight scenes I've ever seen in an
Indonesian actioner (and that's saying a lot). It does contain a
nifty body explosion, though, followed by a quote from the Bible!
It's still hard to fault a film when the most sympathetic character
is Ronnie, a drug dealer and arms smuggler, since he's the only male
member of the cast who doesn't rape anyone! He also gives an
impassioned speech in the finale, begging his men to give up to the
police and accept their punishment. They refuse and Ronnie is shot
dead a few seconds later. Ah, Indonesia, how I love thee! Also known
as COMMANDO WILDCAT, LADY
EXTERMINATOR and VIOLENT
KILLER.
Also starring Indonesian staples Dicky Zulkarnaen, I.M. Damsyik,
Godfried Sancho, Alfian, Tuty Kusnendar and Yona S. Kamarullah.
Originally available on VHS in the U.S. from All
Seasons Entertainment. Not Rated.
JUNGLE
HEAT (1984) - During the final
months of the Vietnam War, the U.S. hires a bunch of Vietnam locals
to drive supply trucks behind enemy lines. Gordon (a horrendously
dubbed Sam J. Jones of FLASH GORDON
[1980]) is given three weeks to train them for combat and weapons use
and, since they are volunteers and not enlisted men, he wants to tell
them how dangerous their assignment is, but his Captain (Christopher
Doyle) refuses to let him (The Captain has no problems with the
locals losing their lives on this mission and goes off on a rant on
how he's tired of this war and would rather be at home with his wife.
Duh!). After a long and boring segment where we watch Gordon and
Nguyen (Bobby Ming) train the volunteer squad and pit them against
each other on a mock driving obstacle course, the film kicks into
gear. The squad goes on their first real assignment, driving a convoy
of trucks on a dangerous road behind enemy lines. It goes off
relatively smooth (except for some spikes in the road), so they all
go to a strip club to celebrate and get into a bar fight with some
drunk American soldiers (a common theme in films of this type). The
film begins to get weird when we see some Vietcong gooks soak local
men with gasoline while they are tied to the ground. They then set a
(real) rat on fire and set it loose. The gooks then place bets on
which of the gasoline-soaked locals the rat will run across, setting
them on fire and slowly burning them in an agonizing death (The one
local who comes out unscathed is also set on fire once the contest is
over!). The volunteer squad's second assignment doesn't go well at
all. One of the trucks loses it's brakes, goes over an embankment and
explodes. The entire squad is then taken prisoner by the Vietcong
(the same
gooks involved in the flaming rat episode) and brought to a jungle
camp, where they are tortured. One guy is buried up to his neck out
in the hot sun, has the hair on his head shaved off and the top of
his head slit in two with a razor, exposing his brain. It doesn't end
there. The camp's long-haired torturer pours a bottle of poison into
the open wound (we know it's poison because the bottle has a picture
of a skull and crossbones on it!) and the poor buried sap screams out
in pain (we hear a bubbling sound as he screams). The man is in so
much pain, he manages to jump out of his dirt-filled hole before he
dies! The rest of the film is a series of tortures, escapes and
retribution, as members of the squad are beaten, hung upside-down,
and bloodily abused. Nguyen (who has his hands impaled together)
manages to escape , by painfully pulling his hands down and removing
the spike the hard way, and frees his comrades. Nguyen recuperates
from his wounds and then leads his men on another convoy mission. On
their way back, they hear on the radio that the war is over, but they
are ambushed by the enemy (I guess they didn't hear). Some of the men
are recaptured by the long-haired torturer, while Nguyen and the rest
of his squad must traverse a boobytrap-filled jungle. Nguyen makes it
back to safety and hires some soldiers of fortune to free his friends
when the Americans refuse to help (The war is over after all). They
manage to save one comrade and kill the long-haired torturer. Be
prepared for an ironic and pathos-filled ending. I laughed so hard, I
nearly split my pants! This Hong Kong action film doesn't have
much to offer the viewer besides tons of hilariously-bad dialogue and
a few good deaths, but you'll have to slog through some boring spots
to get there. The worst (and most confusing) parts of the film
concerns a strip club bar girl who is constantly berating customers
about loyalty and how her "dreams have been shattered". It
makes no sense. The whole film in general makes no sense, as
director/co-scripter Jobic Wong (who seems to have no other
directorial credits, but plenty of acting roles) tells the story in
such a fragmented manner, it's hard to keep up. One minute Nguyen and
his men are being tortured and the next minute we're watching a bunch
of men on motorcycles trying to ride underneath a moving logging
truck to win a $40,000 cash prize (one guy gets crushed under the
wheels of the truck). It's confusing as hell, as if we're watching a
film through the eyes of a retard. There are some pretty decent death
and torture scenes, including the aforementioned poison scene, a guy
getting cut in half with a manual tree saw, a pickaxe impalement, a
beheading and a guy (whose mouth is forced open) being made to drink
water until he looks like he's pregnant (it's a riff of a scene from CALIGULA
- 1979). The problem is, most of these scenes come in the film's
final twenty minutes. I could have done without the live rat on fire
scene, though (It's plain to see that Hong Kong never heard of the
ASPCA). Sam J. Jones is wasted in his role and disappears through
most of the film. He doesn't take part in any of the action until the
conclusion. Speaking of the conclusion, the final three minutes are
so heavy-handed and unexpected, you'll probably vacate your bowels
due to the ridiculousness of it all. As far as this film goes, this
will probably best sum it up: Watch it for the deaths, stay for the
brain damage. Not to be confused with the Peter Fonda-starrer JUNGLE
HEAT (1983; a.k.a. DANCE OF THE DWARVES), directed by
Gus Trikonis (THE
SWINGING BARMAIDS - 1975). Also starring Craig Scott Galper,
Chin Horn (I think I knew a girl who played the chin horn!), Lenny
Bryce, Robert M. Delahunt, Chen Sing, Lily Ngugen and Lawrence Fang.
The print I viewed came from a Greek-subtitled VHS tape, but it is
available on DVD from British company Moonstone Entertainment and on
German DVD from New Entertainment (English-dubbed version included).
Since I have seen neither of these DVDs, I can't verify if they are
unedited. Not Rated.
JUNGLE
RATS (1987) - When a convoy, that
includes General Douglas Conrad (Mike Monty) as a passenger, is
ambushed by the VC in South Vietnam in 1968, the General and some of
his men are taken prisoner and kept in cages in a secret underground
tunnel. The U.S. Government sends five elite "Tunnel Rats"
to rescue the General, which consists of team leader John
"Blackstar" Smith (Rom Kristoff), communication specialist
Jim "Batman" Benson (Michael Welborne), demolitions expert
Randy "Boom Boom" Ellis (Jerry Bailey), hothead Pete
"Killer" Rayo (Jim Gaines) and tracker Kit Scout (Richard
King), a former enemy soldier. The mission is code named "Jungle
Rats" and, right off the bat, Smith and Rayo don't see
eye-to-eye (When Rayo wants to attack an enemy village, Smith tells
him, "Shut your filthy mouth and get back to your place!").
While they are searching the jungle for the entrance to the tunnel,
they are attacked by a platoon of enemy soldiers and forced
to retreat (Rayo says, "There are a lot of gooks out
there!"). When Scout is leading them on a new course, he steps
on a land mine, but Smith saves him by using a boulder to replace
Scout's weight (If Rayo had his way, he would rather see Scout blow
up in a million pieces.). The group meet their inside contact, Mai
(Marilyn Lang), in a deserted shack in the jungle (She says to Rayo,
"Don't call me bitch!", when he wants to kill her) and she
takes them down river to the entrance of the tunnel. Meanwhile,
General Conrad and his men are being tortured (They deliver a
human heart to the General's cell and tell him it belongs to one of
his men!) and the exasperated General makes a tape recording
renouncing the United States' role in the war to make the killing of
his men stop. (Turns out the the gooks tricked him, as the heart
delivered to his cell wasn't a human one after all.). After Smith and
his squad split up to check out some "spider holes" (small
tunnels manned by Vietcong snipers), they capture female enemy
soldier Votimo (Nancy Hung), who is about to give them the General's
location when Rayo rapes and kills her. The squad finally rescue the
General, but not before Mai, Ellis, Benson and Rayo (who comes down
with a case of tunnel fever) are all killed, either by the enemy or
at their own squad's hands. This Filipino war action film,
directed by Teddy Page (BLOOD
DEBTS - 1983), using the pseudonym "Irvin Johnson",
is a pretty good action flick that has lots of firefights,
explosions and even a few surprisingly graphic bits of male and
female nudity. Filled with plenty of familiar faces in
Philippines-lensed action films, it's nice to see Jim Gaines (RESCUE
TEAM - 1983; COMMANDO INVASION
- 1986) get a big role for a change, probably because he wrote the
uncredited screenplay. Since he's the protangonist of the group (he
doesn't trust anyone and wants to kill everyone and everything that
gets in his way), he gets the best lines and does the most outrageous
things (including the rape of Votimo, whom he brazenly kills before
she can tell them the General's location and the cold-blooded murder
of fellow squad member Ellis, whom he shoots just for being injured
by enemy fire!). When he finally goes full-tilt crazy in a spider
hole and tries to kill Smith, his death becomes one of the film's
strangest moments. His story is the film's most engaging and director
Page wisely devotes the lion's share of screen time on him. You're
really not to sure what to make of him until the rape/murder of
Votimo, when he reveals that he's nothing but a psychopath in a
military uniform. If you like fast-paced war films, with plenty of
bullet squibs and explosions (the slow-motion shot of Smith
outrunning shacks blowing up behind him in the finale is quite
impressive, as is Benson's self-sacrifice, where he takes out a slew
of gooks while holding an active grenade), you could do a lot worse
than JUNGLE
RATS.
The plot to this film was rejiggered a bit and remade as BATTLE
RATS the following year. Also starring Ronnie Patterson,
David Anderson, Eric King and John Miles. Never legally available on
home video in the United States, the dub I viewed was ripped from a
Greek-subtitled VHS tape. Not Rated.
JUNGLE
WARRIORS (1984) - Six models,
their photographer Joanna (Nina Van Pallandt) and manager Larry
(Marjoe Gortner, who snorts coke and even says, "Praise
God!") travel to some unnamed South American country for a photo
shoot and get into the middle of
a huge drug deal between Mafia guys Vito (John
Vernon) and Nick (Alex Cord) and local drug warlord Santiago
(Paul L. Smith) and his assassin sister Angel (Sybil Danning). When
the models' plane, piloted by Ben (Kai Wulff), is shot down when it
flys too close to Santiago's operation, everyone on board is stranded
in the jungle. Ben leads the group through crocodile-infested waters
until they come upon a deserted village next to a waterfall. The next
day, they are hunted down and captured (Larry is killed by a nasty
spiked boobytrap) by Luther (a mute, bow-carrying Woody Strode) and
ihis band of Spanish-speaking mercenaries. They are all piled into an
armor-plated RV (!) and are driven to Santiago's compound. Ben,
Joanna and the models meet Santiago and Ben is decapitated by one of
Santiago's men with a machete. The women are all tied up in a
dungeon, where Angel slaps and punches the women (she burns one model
on the face with a cigarette and cuts another on the face with a
machete) and then lets the drooling men rape them all (a hard scene
to watch). When Vito and Nick arrive at Santiago's compound to take
part in a $20 million cocaine deal, we find out that one of the
models, Marci (Mindi Iden), is actually an Interpol agent sent there
to get the goods on Santiago's business. The girls get free with the
help of an old village woman and they band together to get even for
being raped, as well as helping Interpol shut down Santiago, Vito and
Nicky. When Marci is killed radioing in their location, Joanna and
the remaining girls grab machine guns and fight their way out, while
Vito, Nick and their men battle Santiago, Angel, Luther and their
gang in the bullet-riddled, explosive finale. This nasty jungle
action flick, directed/produced/co-scripted by Ernst R. von Theumer (HELL
HUNTERS - 1986) and co-scripted by Robert Collector (who
directed the Linda Blair WIP flick RED HEAT
- 1985 and the sci-fi/horror film NIGHTFLYERS
- 1987, using the name "T.C. Blake"), is remarkable for one
aspect: Killing off the only two male characters (Gortner and Wulff)
that could be considered "heroes"
.
While they both do heroic deeds (Gortner grabs a gun off a merc;
Wulff comes to Van Pallandt's defense), they both suffer horrible
graphic deaths for their acts of bravery. This German-financed,
Mexico-lensed action film is short on logic (there's nothing like
rape to turn mousey, high-maintenance women into non-stop killing
machines) and has underdeveloped characters (Woody Strode's mute
character is a waste and all the models are interchangable), but
there's enough nudity, mindless carnage (John Vernon's death is a
highlight) and goofy dialogue (One guy says to Santiago, "Fatman!
Pig! You sleep with your sister!" to which he replies,
"She's only my half-sister, you know!") to keep you
entertained. I was taken aback by the level of violence here,
although it is apparent that some scenes (the mass rape and Vernon's
death in particular) were trimmed to achieve an R rating. Look very
closely after big Paul L. Smith (DEATH
CHASE - 1987) rips the door off the helicopter and lifts
John Vernon (door and all!) into the spinning blades. Although we
don't see the actual act, there is a shot very shortly thereafter of
Vernon's headless, bloody body lying on the ground as Smith takes off
in the helicopter. Smith's fight with one of Vernon's goons, where
Smith is shot, stabbed and has a bottle broken over his head and he
still comes back for more, is also a highlight. One thing that is not
a highlight is the theme song, sung by Marina Arcangeli, that plays
over the opening and closing credits. Arcangeli sings like someone is
tightening thumbscrews to her. It's a screeching, ear-splitting mess.
Also starring Dana Elcar, Suzi Horne, Kari Lloyd and Ava Cadell.
Released on VHS by Media
Home Entertainment. While not available on DVD in the U.S., JUNGLE
WARRIORS is available on DVD in many versions in Europe. Rated
R. TRIVIA: Dennis Hopper was originally hired to play the role
of Larry. He showed up in Mexico high as a kite and was arrested by
police in the village they were filming. He was subsequently fired
and Marjoe Gortner hired to take his place. Two years later, Hopper
would make a comeback in David Lynch's BLUE
VELVET, playing a drug-addled gangster!
JUST
A DAMNED SOLDIER (1988) -
In this modern-day (well, modern-day if you live in 1988) Italian
actioner, four mercenaries perform a daring daylight raid on a
Cambodian processing plant owned by dastardly millionaire
industrialist Mr. Titleman (Steve Eliot; a.k.a. Stelio Candelli of HOTEL
PARADISE - 1980) and steal a fortune in unrefined gold,
which, after a helicopter chase, a decoy truck and too many
explosions and gunfights to count, is loaded on a ship headed for
Afghanistan. Ernst (Peter Hooten; 2020
TEXAS GLADIATORS - 1982), the leader of the mercenaries, was
once friends with Titleman (they served in the Vietnam War together)
until he turned-in Ernst's father (something about him being a Nazi
Party chief) for a large sum of money. Now, Ernst holds a grudge
against Titleman and will do anything to hurt him both professionally
and financially. Of course, Titleman doesn't take this latest theft
too well and orders his men to hunt down Ernst and his team, Mark
(Mark Gregory; BRONX
WARRIORS 2 - 1983), Cisco (Romano Kristoff; NINJA'S
FORCE - 1984) and David (David Giberson; BATTLE
RATS - 1988), and retrieve the gold. Titleman tortures the
pilot of the helicopter that delivered the gold to the ship and
extracts the information
he needs to track down and kill Ernst and his squad. The first one
to die is David, who is lured out of a bar by a paid-off hooker and
taken to a secluded section of town, where he is murdered by Titleman
with multiple throwing darts to his body (Titleman is an excellent
darts player), the final dart puncturing his eye when he refuses to
tell Titleman where the gold is. Titleman next sends some well-paid
Vietnamese troops to Ernst's home, where they kill his wife (they
shoot her in the back), but Cisco and Mark arrive in time to save
Ernst's ass. All bets are off, as both sides hunt each other down,
using torture (Mark shoves a switchblade in the hooker's mouth and
threatens to slit her mouth at the sides if she doesn't tell him who
ordered David's death), gunplay and explosives to achieve their
goals. Ernst kidnaps Titleman's girlfriend Helen (Cristine Leigh) and
threatens to kill her if Titleman doesn't fork over guns and
ammunition for Afghan rebels fighting for the freedom of their
country (Ernst is a big supporter of a free Afghanistan). When
Titleman calls his bluff and tells Ernst to kill her, Helen helps
Ernst and his squad raid Titleman's compound, which is full of
high-tech weapons and ammunition. Something tells me that there's
going to be an explosive finale. Lensed in the Philippines and
directed/scripted by Fernando Baldi (COMIN'
AT YA! - 1981; WAR BUS
- 1985; TEN ZAN:
THE ULTIMATE MISSION - 1988) using his "Ted Kaplan"
pseudonym, JUST A DAMNED SOLDIER
(a line actually spoken by Titleman to describe Ernst) is sure to
please fans of war action films. It contains more bloody deaths than
you can shake a stick at and numerous action set-pieces, including
sequences set in such locales as a deserted amusement park, a Vietnam
nightclub (where Titleman expects to be entertained by a comedian,
but views two of his men hanging dead by their necks on stage
instead) and Titleman's compound in the finale. What I found
particularly strange about this film is the undercurrent of German
bias on display here, from Ernst's family history (Was his father a
Nazi or not? I'm afraid we never find out.), to Titleman constantly
referring to Ernst as "The Kraut". There are allusions to
Ernst and his family changing their names when they moved to America,
but it is never expounded upon. Also unusual is that even though
Titleman is the villain here, he shows a huge amount of respect for
Ernst, even dressing in his old military uniform for the climatic
showdown. Even then, when Titleman has the drop on Ernst, he refuses
to fire his weapon. When Cisco fatally wounds Titleman, he tells
Ernst that he wouldn't have pulled the trigger, but all Ernst does is
give him a look of disgust and turns his back on him, which makes me
wonder who is actually the villain of this piece. Food for thought,
especially if Ernst is a card-carrying Nazi. Still, if you enjoy
seeing people getting riddled with bullets and watching things
blowing up real nice, mixed with some thought-provoking plot devices, JUST
A DAMNED SOLDIER should satisfy your action jones for 92
minutes. Also known as DAMNED GOLD and VIOLENCE HUNTER.
Also starring Roger Vivero, Elvie Hoagland, Ilonah Jean, Ernie
Zarate, Johan Dolaney and Mike Monty as Schaffner, Titleman's
right-hand man. Never available on U.S. home video, the print I
watched was sourced from a Japanese-subtitled VHS tape. Now available
streaming on Amazon Prime. Not Rated.
THE
KEEPER (2009) - Well, cut off my
balls and call me Shirley! After making such execrable action crap
like BELLY OF THE BEAST
(2003), SUBMERGED (2005), MERCENARY
FOR JUSTICE (2006), FLIGHT
OF FURY (2007) and, especially, AGAINST
THE DARK (2009), it's good to see that Steven Seagal is
finally taking notice and starting to appear as flawed characters,
something that Jean-Claude Van Damme has been doing for several years
in such notable DTV action films as IN
HELL (2003), WAKE OF DEATH
(2004) and UNTIL DEATH
(2007). Beginning with the better-than-average PISTOL
WHIPPED (2008), Seagal began taking roles as people with
defects that are far from perfect and I'm glad to report that THE
KEEPER is Seagal's best film in years, thanks, in part, to
hiring a director known for making offbeat films and a screenplay
that's not afraid to go places that may make the viewer feel a bit
queasy. Don't get me wrong, this is an action film first and
foremost, but it has a human heart that has been missing from the
Seagal canon for years. In this film, Seagal portrays Roland
Sallinger, an L.A. cop who is shot by his crooked partner, Trevor
(Brian Keith Gamble), when the temptation of two million dollars
sitting on a table of a drug bust gone bad is too much for him to
pass-up. When Roland still has a pulse after back-up arrives and he
is taken to the hospital, Trevor heads to the hospital to make sure
that Roland doesn't spill the beans. Roland fakes a coma and uses his
backup weapon to shoot Trevor dead when he tries to smother
him with a pillow. Roland works hard to rehabilitate from his
injuries (even if he has grown dependent on painkillers) so he can
get back to work, but when a year passes and the police force him to
retire for medical reasons, Roland finds himself out of a job. That
doesn't last for long, though, as Roland's good friend, former Texas
cop and rich businessman Conner Wells (Stephan Duvall), asks for his
help in protecting his socialite daughter Nikita (Liezl Carstens),
who was just a victim of an unsuccessful kidnap attempt. Nikita is
also the girlfriend of up-and-coming boxer Mason Silver (Arron
Shiver), who proved himself a coward when Nikita was being kidnapped
(he ran away as fast as he could). Roland accepts the job and on the
limo ride to Conner's mansion, limo driver Manuelo (Johnny Hector)
sees his cousin Allegra (Kisha Sierra) being roughed-up by two goons,
so Roland takes care of the two thugs (in the usual Seagal arm-and-wrist-bending
manner), earning the respect and gratitude of Manuelo and Allegra
(he'll need it later on). Roland dons a cowboy hat and becomes
Nikita's personal bodyguard and, at first, Nikita objects to having a
babysitter, but once she sees with her own eyes how he can take care
of himself (a dustup with a few goons at a disco), she soon comes to
respect and depend on Roland, even developing a crush on him (that's
the queasy part). Conner feels someone within his organization is a
traitor, so Roland updates the mansion's security system and makes
Nikita wear a necklace that's also a transponder. Roland doesn't care
to much for Mason, who mistreats Nikita, snorts cocaine off of other
sluts' breasts and is on the payroll of Conner's rival, Jason Cross
(Luce Rains), even though Conner is financing his boxing career.
Cross is also a violent separatist, who believes that Whites and
Mexicans shouldn't mix (he apparently has no problem with a naked,
big-breasted Latino girl giving him a back rub, though). Roland, on
the other hand, gets along with everyone and grows fond of Manuelo
and his extended family. When Nikita is eventually successfully
kidnapped (Was there any doubt?) with Mason's help, Roland must
figure out what Conner's relationship to Cross really is (it has
something to do with uranium rights) while trying to get Nikita
safely back with Manuelo and Allegra's brothers' help. Step One:
Teach Mason a lesson he will not soon forget. Step Two: Make everyone
else feel the pain they deserve. This is a good, old-fashioned
action film with a lot of human moments, especially between Roland
and Nikita. While the idea of a romance developing between the two
may seem a little creepy due to the age difference (thankfully, it
never happens), director Keoni Waxman (SERIAL
BOMBER - 1996; SWEEPERS
- 1998 [using the pseudonym "Darby Black']; A
DANGEROUS MAN - 2009, also starring Seagal) and screenwriter
Paul A. Birkett toss-in a lot of personal, emotional drama into the
action mix, something missing from Seagal's films for a long time.
This is probably Seagal's best film in the last ten years for that
fact alone, as he sheds his trademark ponytail and actually tries to
act (I'm not saying that he's successful, but at least he is
trying!). Although the plot device of his dependence on painkillers
is dropped as soon as he agrees to become Nikita's bodyguard, there
are plenty of other unusual personal touches on view, such as Roland
and Manuelo watching Nikita puking her guts out by the side of the
limosine in what Manuelo describes as her "typical Friday night
out" or the conversation between Nikita and Roland as she eats
half his sandwich. That's not to say that the action is sacrificed,
though, as there are plenty of gunfights (lots of bloody bullet
squibs), car chases, stabbings and Seagal's brand of martial arts
fighting (which he does on his own here, without the use of obvious
stunt doubles seen in his other recent outings). Here's hoping that
Mr. Seagal sticks with this type of action flick (something with a
little heart) and doesn't fall back to his usual lazy ways. If you
want a laugh, read the
synopsis on the back of the British DVD release. It's obviously
based on an early draft of the screenplay, before the settings and
occupations were moved to Texas. Also starring Kevin Wiggins, Trine
Christensen, Michael-David Aragon and Eb Lottimer (STREETS
- 1990), who receives a brutal beating and bloody death as Troy,
Cross' head henchman, in the finale. A Twentieth
Century Fox Home Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.
THE
KILLER ELEPHANTS (1976) - In
the opening minutes of this crazy action film from Thailand, a cop
named Ching Ming is chasing a bunch of crooks, who dump barrels of
gasoline from their truck into the middle of the road and blow them
up with their guns, forcing Ching to crash his car. After getting a
tip that the crooks are hiding out in a lumber yard, Ching goes there
and defeats the crooks with his superior
kung-fu skills (he kills one guy by throwing a pitchfork into his
stomach) and with the assist of Cal Fei, an ex-friend of Ching's who
was framed for murder and is now on Ching's most wanted list. Cal Fei
is in charge of a gang of rebels who hide out in the jungle and use
elephants to do their dirty work (Early on, we watch as one elephant
uses his tusks to toss around the Police Captain's car like it was
made of balsa wood). The man who framed Cal Fei for murder is known
simply as "The Boss" (a name used for most crooked bigshots
in films from this region), a crime kingpin who has his horse-riding
bandits burn down villages so he can buy the land cheap. The Boss is
also public enemy #1 on Ching's most wanted list and he tries to kill
Ching and Cal Fei every opportunity he gets. On one such occasion,
The Boss sends a bunch of men to kill Cal Fei in his jungle hideout,
only to have all but one of his men killed by Cal Fei's rebels, by
gunshot, a knife through the neck and an axe to the head (The lone
surviving bandit runs into the elephants and one rebel says to him,
"Do you wanna give up or would you rather fight the
elephants?" to which the bandit replies, "Yes, I think I'll
give up!"). To complicate matters, Cal Fei kidnaps The Boss's
wife Jo and holds her in his jungle hideout, but since Jo and Cal Fei
use to be lovers, they reignite their passion for each other and she
becomes pregnant. Ching and Cal Fei also have a rivalry because, even
though Ching knows Cal Fei was framed, Ching considers it his duty to
bring Cal Fei in, which leads to a series of fights between the two
(which Cal Fei always seems to win). It becomes apparent after not
too long that if The Boss is to be brought to justice, Ching and Cal
Fei will have to learn to work with each other. When Jo goes into
labor, Ching rushes her to the hospital, where she has a baby girl.
In
a
confusing turn of events, The Boss ends up dead and his replacement
kidnaps Jo, the baby and Ching's wife, which necessitates that Ching
and Cal Fei use the elephants to perform a rescue. It all ends with
the bad guys being defeated by a stampede of elephants and Ching
jumping out of a helicopter to save his wife. This
Thailand-lensed film, directed by Som Kit (who doesn't seem to have
any other film credits, but since this is a Thai film, I'm sure he
has plenty we in the West have never heard of), doesn't make an ounce
of sense, but it is so weird and out-there, you can't help but fall
for it's charms. It is filled with outrageous scenes, such as a naked
girl in body paint who dances in a nightclub for no other reason than
to show us a naked girl in body paint dancing in a nightclub; the
Elephant Carnival, where we watch pachyderms playing soccer with a
giant ball or competing in a game of Tug-Of-War with a bunch of men;
and the confusing death of The Boss in the middle of the film, where
a character not seen before named Mau Chien shoots The Boss and takes
his place (Did the actor who plays The Boss quit halfway through the
film?). The English dubbing is a hoot, my favorite exchange being
between the Chief of Police and one of his cops. When Jo escapes from
the hospital, thanks to an elephant crashing through the wall of her
room, the Chief asks the cop, "Where'd she go?" The cop
looks at him and says, "How the hell do I know?" Simply
priceless. There's really not much elephant destruction until the
finale, where they destroy an entire village, but there's plenty of
other blood and weirdness to keep the viewer highly entertained for
82 minutes. You haven't truly lived until you witness a man throwing
grenades while riding on an elephant's back. Also known as RUMBLING
THE ELEPHANT. Starring Sung Pa, Alen Yen, Nai Yen Ne and Yu
Chien. Originally available on VHS from Unicorn
Video and also available on DVD from Ground Zero as part of a
double feature with DRAGON
SNAKE FIST (1974) for their "Brooklyn Zu" line of
martial arts flicks, but THE
KILLER ELEPHANTS is more an action film than martial arts.
Available on foreign DVD
from Attackafant
Entertainment. Not Rated.
THE
KILLING GROUNDS (1997)
- Four hikers stumble upon a downed plane in the mountains that contains
four million dollars worth of stolen gold in this poor mans
version of A
SIMPLE PLAN
(1998). The four: an untrusting wife (Pricilla Barnes) and her
unfaithful husband (Charles Rocket); a crooked cop (Cynthia Geary)
and Indian guide (Rodney A. Grant) do not trust one another, so they
bury the gold in the forest until they can come back with the proper
equipment to carry it out. On their way down the mountain, they run
into the two psychos (former teen nerds Anthony Michael Hall and
Courtney Gains!) who are looking for their lost gold. The
cat-and-mouse chase is on. The main problem with this film is that
there is not one character that you can feel sympathy for. Director
Kurt Anderson (BOUNTY
TRACKER
- 1993) realizes that, so he makes Courtney Gains character
Vincent such an extreme trigger-happy psychopath that everyone else
seems normal by comparison. Vincents noodle is so loose that he
beats a man to death with his own prosthetic arm, shoots his horse
for giving him a sore ass (!), rapes Charles Rocket (thankfully
offscreen) to make him disclose the golds burial site and makes
a rookie cop piss in his pants. Everyone dies by the conclusion,
which is the way it should be. Rodney Grants Indian guide
character starts out as an honest person, but soon moves to the dark
side with a little persuasion from the other greedy bastards. All in
all, this is a nice little diversion and not a bad way to waste 95
minutes. An A-PIX Home Video Release. Rated
R.
KILLING
MACHINE (1984) - After
leaving a life of crime behind him (he was a member of a huge crime
syndicate known as the Organization), big lug Chema (George Rivero; FIST
FIGHTER - 1988) becomes a legitimate big rig driver hauling
perishables between Spain and Germany (in the middle of a violent
truckers union strike) with his brother-in-law Tony (Willie Aames).
When Organization leader Maitre Julot (Lee van Cleef; ESCAPE
FROM NEW YORK - 1981) tries to kill Chema (no one ever
leaves the Organization and lives), he grabs his newly-pregnant wife,
Eliza (Ana Obregon; TREASURE
OF THE FOUR CROWNS - 1982), and heads to Germany to make one
final delivery, but when Chema crosses the border into France, his
truck is stopped and burned by a mob of corrupt union members, led by
Martin (Richard Jaeckel; GRIZZLY
- 1976), resulting in Eliza being burned alive while Chema is being
pummeled by the mob. After unsuccessfully trying to get justice
through the corrupt French judicial system and failing miserably
(Julot and Martin make it look like Chema was the one responsible for
his wife's death), Chema and Tony decide to get justice on their own,
especially when Julot has his head goon, Picot (Aldo Sambrell; VENGEANCE
- 1976), beat the shit out
of Chema immediately after he leaves the courthouse while Tony
watches helplessly, just to show the both of them the power he
wields. Chema enlists the help of old crime partner Koldo (Hugo
Stiglitz; NIGHT OF A
THOUSAND CATS - 1972) to supply him with plastic explosives,
but when Koldo proves to be loyal to Julot, Chema is forced to shoot
him point-blank in the face. Chema and Tony then begin the systematic
elimination of Julot's Organization from the bottom-up. Chema
hooks-up with another former crime partner, Jacqueline (a
haggard-looking Margaux Hemingway; LIPSTICK
- 1976) and the trio strike first at Picot's garage, blowing-up him
and the garage with plastic explosives. Chema kills Martin next, by
dousing him with gasoline and setting him on fire ("You'll burn
just like my wife!") and then blowing him up in his car when he
tries to get away. When Julot's men kidnap and torture Tony,
eventually shooting him in the back when he tries to escape, Chema
not only kills Julot with a car bomb, he also kills all of Julot's
underlings with another bomb, putting an end to the Organization once
and for all. After driving to a snowy region of Germany, Chema drops
off Jacqueline and an on-screen scrawl informs us that Chema turned
himself into the police and is awaiting extradition. Give me a
break! This slow-moving Spanish/Italian revenge thriller,
directed and written by Jose Antonio de la Loma (STREET
WARRIORS - 1977; STREET
WARRIORS PART II - 1979; COUNTERFORCE
- 1988) under the pseudonym "J. Anthony Loma", is a weird
mixture of the Charles Bronson features MR.
MAJESTYK and DEATH WISH
(both 1974). Unfortunately, the film falls flat on it's face, helped
in no small way by the terrible acting abilities of Willie Aames (ZAPPED
- 1982; CUT AND RUN
- 1985), who thinks all it takes to act tough is to walk around with
a cigarette in his mouth (he can't even do that convincingly) and the
strange mixture of American and Spanish actors in French locations.
It is particularly distressing to see the late Margaux Hemingway in
this, as her face is ravaged by her real-life alcohol abuse and she
looks obliterated in every scene she's in. She committed suicide in
1996 by an overdose of Klonopin, further cementing the "Hemingway
Curse" (she was the fifth member of the Hemingway clan to
commit suicide). The violence is much too restrained for a revenge
thriller, as the camera pulls back on the violence when it should be
moving in closer. George (Jorge) Rivero is a pretty weak action hero
here, because we never feel his pain of losing his wife. I was more
drawn to his thick, porn-style moustache, which seemed to out-act the
rest of his body. KILLING MACHINE
is a pretty tepid affair, offering only a few fiery explosions, a
smattering of blood, a brief glimpse of nudity and lots of bad
acting. The film is also technically sloppy, as the leg of a crew
member can be spotted during the fight between Rivero and Stiglitz
and camera and microphone shadows can be viewed in several scenes.
It's also kind of hard to believe Lee Van Cleef is a Frenchman named
Julot when he doesn't even attempt to adopt a French accent! Oui,
it's that bad. Also starring Frank Brana. Originally available on VHS
as part of "Sybil Danning's Adventure Video" (The series'
theme music is lifted from this film) from USA
Home Video in one of those big cardboard boxes. Not available on
DVD. Not Rated.
KILL
PANTHER KILL (1968) - This
Italy/Germany/France co-production is the fifth entry in the Kommissar
X series of Eurospy films. Unlike the other entries, this one
doesn't take place in exotic locations, but chooses Canada, of all
places, for the action to transpire (Calgary and Quebec, to be
precise). Also unlike other entries in the series, the plot is
basically straightforward, lacking any fantasy or sci-fi elements. I
consider this entry to be the equivalent of what
ON HER
MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969) is to the rest of the Sean
Connery James Bond series.
Depending on how you look on that film will tell you whether you
will enjoy this film or not (Me? I think OHMSS is one of the best
Bond films, period.).
A police van transporting prisoner Arthur Tracy (Franco Fantasia; EATEN
ALIVE! - 1980) is ambushed by thugs Anthony (Siegfried
Rauch; DEATH IS NIMBLE, DEATH IS QUICK
- 1966) and Smoky (director Gianfranco Parolini, as "Frank
Kramer"; more on him later), who use sniper rifles to kill the
three cops inside the van and then free Arthur. We then discover that
Anthony and Smoky are associates of Arthur. Four years ago, they
pulled off a robbery where a fortune in jewels was stolen. Arthur was
caught by the police, but before he was caught, he stashed the jewels
in a safety deposit box and left the key with his twin brother
Robert. Arthur tells his two associates that Robert has no idea he is
in possession of the key, as he has hidden the key in one of Robert's
most prized possessions: a statue of three blue panthers. Until the
heat blows over, Arthur, Anthony and Smoky hide out in a rodeo in
Calgary, pretending to be cowboys. They aren't at the rodeo for long
when the police discover that Arthur is somewhere in the area.
Anthony and Smoky decide to drive to Robert's house, but first they
need a way to send the police on a wild goose chase. They come up
with a plan to use a double of Arthur, but first they have to find one.
Luckily, Captain Tom Rowland (Brad Harris; KONG
ISLAND - 1968), is in Canada on police business and Agent Jo
Walker (Tony Kendall; THE
LORELEY'S GRASP - 1973), a.k.a. "Kommissar X",
joins a reluctant Tom in his search for Arthur Tracy and the missing
jewels. A sickly Robert Tracy (Fantasia again) is worried that
his twin brother will come visit him. Even more worried is Robert's
wife Elizabeth (Erika Blanc; THE
DEVIL'S NIGHTMARE - 1971), who was once Arthur's girlfriend,
telling Robert that she wants nothing to do with Arthur and if she
sees him she will call the police. Robert's nurse, Emily Lambert
(Corny Collins; HIGH
SEASON FOR SPIES - 1966), thanks Robert for the loan he is
about to give her. He is donating his prized possession, the statue
of the three blue panthers, to a local museum, the proceeds from the
donation to fund Emily's loan (Can this even be considered a
"donation"???), Robert having no idea that the key to the
safety deposit box is inside the statue.
At the rodeo, we see some less-than-western attractions, such as a
man flying via a jet pack (!) and Tom as one of the bronco riders (it
turns out that he accidentally falls backwards on to a bucking bronco
and outlasts most of the professional riders!). Tom is alerted that
Arthur is leaving the rodeo, only it isn't Arthur, it's his double
and Tom watches as his car explodes by a remote controlled bomb put
in the car by Anthony and Smoky. Tom believes his search for Arthur
is over, but Jo is at the rodeo in disguise (wearing a gaucho and a
large floppy sombrero!) and overhears Anthony on the phone, telling
Arthur that they are heading to Robert's house in Montreal, so he
goes there, too. Jo, who is irresistable to women, makes friends with
Emily and has her pretend that he is her cousin "Joe Romeo"
(!), so he can meet Robert. Tom soon learns that the burned body in
the exploded car is not Arthur, so his search is back on. Jo follows
Robert to the rodeo and when Tom sees Jo pretending to be a
pickpocket, he has him arrested (throughout the series, they are
always playing practical jokes on each other). Jo tells Tom that if
he wants to find Arthur, he better let him join his team. Tom
reluctantly agrees, so they become a crimefighting team once again.
Robert meets Arthur on the tram ride of the Expo '67 World's Fair in
Montreal (I was there and it brought back many long-forgotten
memories, such as I suffered from a bad case of explosive diarrhea!
It was still a wonderful place to visit, cleaner than any city I have
ever been to. Whatever happened to the World's Fair?) The only
difference between Arthur and Robert is that Robert has a mustache,
so Arthur shoots and kills his brother on the tram ride, steals his
clothes and applies a fake mustache, telling the police that he has
just shot and killed his fugitive brother. The fake Robert then goes
on his merry way, only when he goes to his brother's house and kisses
Elizabeth, she knows that he isn't her husband. Elizabeth threatens
to call the police, so Arthur has Anthony and Smoky hold her prisoner
in her own home. Arthur can't find the statue, not knowing that his
brother donated it to a museum. Emily tells Jo that Robert is acting
strangely and also tells him about the statue, so Jo puts two and two
together, but it won't be easy because the bad guys know he is there.
A thug in a wetsuit tries to kill Jo, but he gets the upper hand.
Before he can tell Jo who sent him, Anthony shoots him in the back
with a speargun bolt, killing him (copying a scene from the earlier SO
DARLING, SO DEADLY - 1966). Their investigation leads Tom
and Jo to a karate school, where Tom single-handedly beats the snot
out of over a dozen students. Elizabeth escapes from Anthony and
Smoky, telling Jo and Tom that she doesn't know where the jewels are,
but by the way Anthony and Smoky were acting, she believes they are
in a safety deposit at the bank, but she has no idea where the key
is. Jo and Tom go to Robert's house to look for the key, finding
Arthur's dead body instead, the victim of cyanide poisoning. But who
killed him? Was it Elizabeth? Or could it be Emily? How about his two
partners in crime? It's not hard to figure out, as Anthony and Smoky
take Emily hostage when they discover that the safety deposit box is
empty. Emily tells them that she put the stolen jewels inside the
three blue panthers statue, so they head to the museum to steal the
statue., with Jo and Tom not far behind. It all ends with a good
old-fashioned shoot-out and fistfight at a ghost town, mimicking
the western films of yore, only a bulldozer and some very large
tires are utilized (to comic effect).
Just like SO DARLING, SO DEADLY, this film was directed and
co-written by Gianfranco Parolini (YETI: GIANT
OF THE 20TH CENTURY - 1977; THE
SECRET OF THE INCAS' EMPIRE - 1987), who uses his alias
"Frank Kramer" as a director and "Robert F.
Atkinson" as a screenwriter (The other screenwriters are Guenter
Rudorf and Giovanni Simonelli [SEVEN
DEATHS IN THE CAT'S EYE - 1973]). Just like all the other
entries in the series, there is no stock footage here, Parolini
putting his actors in the middle of the footage, actually filming at
Expo '67 (For all I know, they were filming when I visited there!)
and at an actual rodeo, giving this film an authentic feel. There's
also a surprise reveal in the finale that I won't give away, making
me appreciate the film all the more. Without giving it away, all I
will say is that you will never see it coming. But it's the chemistry
between Tony Kendall and Brad Harris that makes this series such a
joy to watch. Brad Harris, who is usually as stiff as a petrified
forest, gets a chance to really shine in this franchise. Not only was
he Action Choreographer on all the films in this series, he gets to
show us his comedy chops, something he was unable to do in the many
films of his long career (He passed away late in 2017). If action and
humor are what you crave in a Eurospy flick, look no further than
this film or any other in the series (I plan on reviewing them all).
Filmed as KOMMISSAR X - DREI
BLAUE PANTHER ("Kommissar X - Three Blue Panthers"),
this film had many showings on TV during the late-'60s to the
early-'70s before disappearing. It only had VHS releases by gray
market companies like Something
Weird Video and Sinister Cinema,
before Sinister transferred all the films in the series to DVD-R.
Unfortunately, if you want to make this film part of your physical
film library, this DVD-R is your only choice, as it has yet to be
released on legitimate pressed DVD or Blu-Ray (at the time of this
review). My review comes from the print I viewed streaming on Amazon
Prime (free if you are a Prime member). The print looks absolutely
flawless and it is in anamorphic widescreen, making me enjoy this
film all the more. I know Eurospy films are not very popular, but I
wish some enterprising company would release all the films in a box
set, in their original OAR (It is available on German DVD [English
friendly] if you have an all region player). Also starring
Erwin Strahl, Laci von Ronay, Carlos de Castro, Fortunato Arena (THE
BLOODSTAINED SHADOW - 1978) Giuseppe Mattei (THE
FLOWER WITH THE DEADLY STING - 1973) and Hannelore Auer (THE
ISLAND OF LOST GIRLS - 1969) as "Betty Rogers",
Jo's "secretary". Not Rated.
LADY
COCOA (1974) - Cocoa (Lola Falana)
has just spent a year and a half in a Utah federal penitentiary on
contempt of court charges for refusing to testify against her
gangster boyfriend Eddie (James A. Watson Jr.). Cocoa, who is
somewhat of an overbearing brat that is full of herself, finally
agrees to testify and is escorted to Nevada by stern white cop Ramsey
(Alex Dreier) and black cop Doug (Gene Washington). They stop for the
night at a casino hotel unaware that they are being followed by two
silent hitmen ("Mean" Joe Greene and Gary Harper). Cocoa's
unreasonable demands begin to grate on Ramsey and Doug's nerves, as
she screams demands for "girly
products", keeps changing her mind on her room service order and
spouts her racist views on "pigs" (this girl needs a good
slapping around). To shut her up, Doug takes her downstairs to gamble
and have some dinner. She turns $20 into a small fortune at the
blackjack table, buys some funky clothes at the casino store and has
dinner with a newlywed couple that they meet in the store (they are
not what they seem to be). It's not long before Cocoa and Doug fall
in love (I would have slugged her a good one instead). She betrays
Doug when she ducks out on dinner to meet gangster boyfriend Eddie in
a hotel room upstairs. Eddie basically betrays her and sets her up
for a sniper's bullet. Can Doug and Ramsey save her in time and get
her to the Grand Jury in one piece? There's a major deception at the
end that could spell doom for our too-spoiled-for-words heroine, but
good money says that you would have turned it off or fallen asleep
long before you even get to that point. Originally known as POP
GOES THE WEASEL (also the title of the film's theme song,
sung by Falana), this film, directed by Matt Cimber (THE
BLACK SIX - 1974), is a real yawner. Much too slow to be an
action film (no one dies or gets shot at until way past the one hour
mark), LADY COCOA plays
more like a clash-of-personalities tale, and a pretty bad one at
that. Las Vegas lounge star Lola Falana starts to get on your nerves
as spoiled bitch Cocoa, who always says something hurtful and makes
it difficult for the two cops to look after her. Disobeying their
every order, you'll be wishing that the hitmen would finish their job
as quickly as possible, especially when she yells lines of dialogue
like, "I'm going to shit, shower and shampoo!" (add
"shut up" to that and I would have been a happy man). She
is the ideal description of the word "cunt" (which some
sharp guy calls her in this). There's an unintentionally funny scene
where Doug chases the newlywed couple (who turn out to be a hit team)
on foot while they are in a car. The car flips over, drives into a
casino, exits out the back door and lands in a swimming pool. The guy
behind the wheel drowns, but the girl (played by Millie Perkins) gets
out and Doug chases her into a bathroom, where they fire at each
other through a stall door. Doug kills her and discovers that she's
actually a he, a man in drag! George
"Buck" Flower has a cameo as a drunken cowboy gambler
and his pal John Goff plays a gay bar patron. There's also risable
dialogue like, "I don't care if you're black, green, orange or
banana!" and plenty of Falana nudity, but her offensive
character, lack of action and extremely slow story (screenplay by
genre vet Mikel Angel [PSYCHIC
KILLER - 1974] using the pseudonym "George
Theakos". Smart move.) sinks any chance this film has of
entertaining you. Also starring Richard Kennedy as a French room
service waiter and James R. Sweeney. My copy came from Brentwood
Communications' 4 Movie DVD compilation titled BAD
BROTHAS - MEAN MUTHAS. The widescreen print is pretty beat
up, with washed-out colors and plenty of distortion on the
soundtrack. Cimber remade this film as FAKE
OUT in 1982, with Pia Zadora taking over the Lola Falana
role. Originally released on VHS by Unicorn
Video. Rated R.
LAST
MAN STANDING (1987) - Not
to be confused with the 1996
PM Entertainment production directed by Joseph Merhi or the 1996
Walter Hill period actioner starring Bruce Willis, both who
share the same title as this film. This one is actually a Canadian
tax shelter film (also known as CIRCLE
MAN) starring Vernon Wells (ENEMY UNSEEN
- 1987) as Roo Marcus, a cage match fighter who is reaching the end
of his career. Crooked cop Tunny (Frank Moore) wants a larger cut of
the cage match proceeds or he will stop the illegal "Circle
Fights", named because the caged fighting ring is in the shape
of a circle, so he squeezes owner Napoleon (Michael Copeman; SCANNERS
III: THE TAKEOVER - 1992) to come up with new ways to
increase revenue. Roo has a heart of gold (he gives his winnings in
one of his fights to his opponent because he has kids to feed) and
his trainer/ringman Casper (William Sanderson; FIGHT
FOR YOUR LIFE - 1977) wants him to quit fighting
before he turns into another Batty (Franco Columbo; BERETTA'S
ISLAND - 1994), a circle fighter who suffered brain damage
in the ring and spends his days babbling incoherently (something Mr.
Columbo was born to do). Roo agrees to stop fighting and becomes
partners in Casper's gymnasium business. You just know that isn't
going to last very long. Napoleon imports a fighter called Cannon
(Peter Dempster) to replace Roo in the illegal circle fights, while
his legitimate prize fighter Razor (Real Andrews) rises in the ranks
as a champion boxer (There's a lot of bad blood between Roo and
Razor). Roo begins falling in love with tomboyish mechanic Charlie
(Sonja Belliveau), who works at her father Gus' (Danny Burnes) garage
next door (and she's a pretty good boxer, to boot), but a violent
episode in Roo's past (we see fragments of it in flashback footage)
prevents him from consummating the relationship. A series of events,
including Gus owing Napoleon a fortune in gambling debts and Tunny
putting the pressure on Napoleon, forces Roo to fight Razor in a
circle match. Casper is disappointed, but agrees once again to be his
trainer/ringman, as Roo begins to fight a series of punishing circle
matches (he actually loses his first fight to Cannon). When Cannon
cripples Casper outside the ring and Razor leaves Napoleon for a
better manager, Napoleon and Tunny force Roo to fight a rematch with
Cannon or else they will throw him back in the loony bin (those
flashbacks Roo has been having are when he spent eight years in a
padded cell for killing a guy in a bar fight). With Charlie as his
corner(wo)man, Roo begins his road to retribution, first with his
rematch with Cannon and then with boxer Razor. This is a
thoroughly predictable 80's fight actioner, directed by Damien Lee (FOOD
OF THE GODS PART 2 - 1989; ABRAXIS,
GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE - 1990) and written by Lee and
producer David Mitchell. The fight scenes are brutal, but not very
well choreographed and Vernon Wells sleepwalks through his role. The
scenes that should resonate with viewers, such as when Roo is forced
to fight his friend Batty (which ends with Batty committing
suicide!), falls flatter than a yeast-free pancake. As a matter of
fact, the only people who show any real emotion are Michael Copeman
as Napoleon and Franco Columbo as Batty (and, really, when have you
ever heard that before? Here's a question to ponder: Was he called
"Batty" before or after he lost his marbles? I'm only
asking because if he was called Batty before he had his brain
rattled, he must have had real asshole parents. Mother:
"What should we name our little bundle of joy?" Father:
"Might as well call him Batty because he doesn't look like he'll
amount to much. Besides, it will toughen him up!"). Everyone
else walks around in a somnambulistic state and William Sanderson's
role is so underwritten, a chimp could have played it. This is not
one of the better low-budget 80's actioners, so my advice would be to
avoid it unless you are a Vernon Wells fan. Even then, it's one of
his minor 80's flicks. Also starring Kim Coates (basically a cameo),
George Chuvalo, Zach Neals (who sports a ridiculous faux Mohawk) and
Dave Schaler. Originally released on VHS by Academy
Entertainment and not available on DVD. Rated R.
LEATHERNECKS
(1988) - Another action and explosion-filled Italian war actioner
filmed in the Philippines. The film opens with "Lieutenant"
(Richard Hatch; HEATED VENGEANCE
- 1984) and his small band of commandos ambushing a VC convoy that is
carrying crates of weapons and ammunition on bicycles through the
jungle. After killing nearly every gook and blowing up the crates,
Lieutenant (that's all he's called throughout the film) has his men
"interrogate" the lone VC survivor, who tells them that
another shipment of weapons is due shortly by boat nearby (the VC
prisoner then gets a bullet in his brainpan for his trouble). The
commandos lay in wait and ambush the boat, killing all it's occupants
and nearly getting killed themselves when a mortally wounded gook
sets the boat on fire and it explodes. Meanwhile, Sgt. Martin Cooper
(James Mitchum; MERCENARY
FIGHTERS - 1988) is training a group of Vietnamese
friendlies the finer points of warfare so they can protect their
village rice fields from VC attacks. He reluctantly allows some of
the villagers to work in the rice patties unaccompanied, only to have
some VC soldiers disguise themselves as villagers and lead an attack
on the camp. Just when the prospects look bad for Sgt. Martin and his
men, Lieutenant and his commandos show up in the nick of time and
save the day. A short time later, a helicopter arrives carrying
Captain Barrett, who has a top-secret meeting with Lieutenant. The
Captain reveals that a French traitor named Bernard is supplying the
enemy with weapons, so the Captain and Lieutenant head alone into the
jungle to find Bernard, not to kill him, but to make him an offer he
cannot refuse (Lieutenant smells a rat and doesn't trust the
Captain). Lieutenant was right not to trust the Captain, because when
the Captain goes to meet Bernard alone, a squad of doped-up American
AWOL soldiers tries to ambush Lieutenant, but he manages to kill them
with some well-placed explosives. Sgt. Martin, Bob (Robert Marius; COP
GAME - 1988), Tony (Tony Marsina) and Mike (Anthony Sawyer)
go on a recon mission and discover a series of VC tunnels in the
jungle and Sgt. Martin is killed protecting a wet-behind-the-ears
recruit when they flush the VCs out of the tunnels. Lieutenant
discovers that Capt. Barrett is actually a traitor, too, partners
with Bernard (who the Captain kills to keep quiet), so he gathers up
his commandos to kill the Captain and his VC allies before the
Captain has them all killed to cover-up his treachery. The finale
finds Lieutenant, his commandos and Sgt. Martin's freshly-trained
Vietnamese recruits defending the camp and village from a major enemy
assault. The story may be all over the place (screenplay by
Tito Carpi; HUNTERS OF
THE GOLDEN COBRA - 1982; LAST
PLATOON - 1988), but director Ignacio Dolce (COMMANDER
- 1987; LAST FLIGHT
TO HELL - 1990), using his pseudonym "Paul D.
Robinson", infuses this war actioner with plenty of gunfights,
explosions and even some heartwarming moments (including Sgt. Martin
letting the new recruit listen to his wife's pornographic audio
cassette) to keep the viewer entertained. I was impressed that some
of Lieutenant's commandos are painted as rather heartless and
inhumane. Tony likes to rape Vietnamese women and disregards
Lieutenant's orders to leave the women alone. Tony rapes one village
woman (Tania Gomez; MAGIC
OF THE UNIVERSE - 1987) several times right in from of her
injured husband, so it should come as no surprise that during the
final battle, Tony is killed when the husband plants a knife in his
back. In fact, the only likable Americans here are Lieutenant, Sgt.
Martin and Bob, as the rest are either corrupt (Captain Barrett),
drug addicts, AWOL soldiers or mercenaries (Bernard's men) or a pimp
(Mike). The nihilistic finale leaves no doubt as to everyone's fates
(Bob gets the most heroic death, being gunned-down while holding a
small boy's bullet-ridden body after failing to protect him), but
what comes before it is also very violent, as people are blown apart,
shot or stabbed and everything explodes in nice, big fireballs. LEATHERNECKS
is a worthy addition to the already burgeoning list of 80's Italian
war films. Also starring Vassili Karis (APOCALYPSE
MERCENARIES - 1987), Jack Alba, George Rosek, Hans Leibder
and Martin Wannack. Never legitimately available on U.S. home video,
the print I viewed was sourced from a Greek-subtitled VHS tape. Not
Rated.
LIGHT
BLAST (1985) - A maniacal
scientist is terrorizing San Francisco in this crazy Italian actioner
from director Enzo G. Castellari. The scientist has developed a new
contraption called Light Blast, a portable weapon (using
microwave-like rays) that is capable of frying and melting any object
it comes in contact with. He first tests it out in a railroad yard,
dissolving a few railway cars as well as a necking couple carrying on
in one of the boxcars. Assigned to the case is Detective Ronn (Erik
Estrada), who we first meet delivering a turkey dinner in his
underwear to a couple of bank robbers who have taken hostages (he has
a gun hidden in the turkey and ends the seige with a well-placed
bullet to the head of one of the robbers). The scientist uses his
weapon next at a stock car race, melting
everyone in the pressbox and getting away after pumping a couple of
slugs into Ronn's driver after a small car chase. The scientist calls
the police and demands ten million dollars or he will unleash Light
Blast in a more populated area. As Ronn's investigation gets him
closer to the scientist (including a surreal shootout in a morgue),
the Mayor pays the ten million dollar ransom, only to have the police
mess it up, leading to an explosion killing all the cops following
the money. The next day, the Mayor receives a tape where the
scientist now demands twenty million dollars. When the scientist's
goons spray Ronn's house with machine gun fire and kill his wife
(Peggy Rowe) and wound his partner, it becomes personal and Ronn
becomes a one-man killing machine. After a shootout at a warehouse
where Ronn nearly gets crushed by a bulldozer, Ronn steals a
(conveniently-placed) dune buggy and chases the scientist through the
streets of San Francisco. Ronn causes the Light Blast to malfunction,
causing it to turn on it's inventor, dissolving his body away. Hooray
for Ronn! Director Castellari (DAY
OF THE COBRA - 1980; THE
NEW BARBARIANS - 1983) throws just about everything,
including the kitchen sink, into the script (co-written with Tito
Carpi), including multiple gunfights (lots of gory shots of people
being plugged in the head and other extremities), numerous car chases
and crashes, shots of people's faces melting (ala, the finale of RAIDERS
OF THE LOST ARK - 1981) and other gory goings-on. While
there is violence aplenty, all logic is basically thrown out the
window, as Estrada (who has the emotional range of a grapefruit) gets
in one head-scratching exploit after another. In one scene where
Estrada is following one of the scientist's flunkies, he jumps on the
back of a moving pickup truck and tells the driver, "I'm a cop.
Follow that car!" The driver just shakes his head yes as if it
happens to him all the time! There's also another scene where he gets
kicked in the nuts at least three times by a nurse in a morgue and he
shakes it off as if he never felt it. Truly, he has balls of
steel. Still, as an action film, LIGHT
BLAST (also known as NEON KILLER)
delivers the goods, with lots of bloody bullet squibs, people being
burned alive, car chases galore and plenty of things that blow up
real good. Besides, where else can you see a dune buggy racing around
the steep, hilly streets of San Francisco? Here's some nostalgia for
you: A sign at one of the gas stations lists regular unleaded gas at
$1.10 a gallon. Ah, the good old days! Also starring Thomas Moore,
Mike Pritchard and Bob Taylor. A Lightning
Video Release. Also available on DVD
(which is now OOP) from those fine folks at Code
Red, who falsely advertised it as a post-apocalypse film. Not Rated.
LIGHTNING
BOLT (1966) - Thanks to the
popularity of the James
Bond films, the Eurospy genre was born, countries such as Italy,
Germany, Spain and France churning out scores of low-budget spy
flicks, usually starring lower-tier, but handsome, American or
British actors as versions of James Bond. Some of these films were
instantly forgettable, but a few of them, like the Kommissar
X series, were quite enjoyable. This film falls into the latter
category, as it was
directed by a man who made films in many genres. Yes, this film is
dated, but it contains all the ingredients that make a spy film work.
Something strange is going on at Cape Kennedy. The last six rockets
that were launched there self-destructed, costing the government
millions of dollars. It must be sabotage, as someone doesn't want the
United States to go to the Moon. The FSIC (Federal Security
Investigation Commission) is called in to investigate, sending their
agent, Lt. Harry Sennet (Anthony Eisley; THE
NAVY VS. THE NIGHT MONSTERS - 1965), to find out who is
causing the rockets to explode and why. The only clue Harry has is
what Professor Rooney (Francisco "Paco" Sanz; LET
SLEEPING CORPSES LIE - 1974) discovers, that the
self-destruct signal is coming from the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean,
off the coast of Florida. Professor Rooney and another FSIC agent are
tracing the signal, unaware that they are being watched by an unknown
man with a German accent, who tells a female turncoat that they won't
get very far. He is right, as the FSIC agent is killed underwater by
a bad man in scuba gear and Professor Rooney's boat explodes, his
fate unknown...for now.
The FSIC starts a top-secret operation called "Lightning
Bolt" where Harry will report to fellow agent, Captain Patricia
Flanagan (Diana Lorys; FANGS
OF THE LIVING DEAD - 1969), code name "Agent 36-24-36",
who is in charge of the operation. Harry goes undercover as a rich
playboy and Patricia is his contact if any trouble arises. Oh, there
will be trouble. Harry is staying at the Hotel Florida ("The spa
for spies"), Harry's old happy hunting ground (Harry says,
"They have a safe at the front desk where spies can store their
stolen microfilm."). Harry notices that a blonde "Mata
Hari" (Wandisa Guida as "Wandisa Leigh"; SECRET
AGENT FIREBALL - 1965) and her friend, Sylvia White (Luisa
Rivelli as "Ursula Parker"; HANDLE
WITH CARE - 1967), are watching him as he does business with
Emanuel Garcia (Tito García; SCHOOL
OF DEATH - 1975), buying a plane from him (I don't know this
has to do with the plot). Sylvia hits on Harry in the hotel bar, but
when her husband, Archie White (José María Caffarel; THE
KILLER LACKS A NAME - 1966), comes to the bar, she turns her
attention to him. When Harry goes back to his room, he discovers
Patricia taking a shower (asking her if she would like him to wash
her back), so he makes her a martini with one olive (shaken, not
stirred). Harry sees Archie watching him through a window, so he and
Patricia put on a show for him outside. Harry then catches Archie
searching his room and restrains him. Before Archie can talk, Mata
Hari shoots Archie and both he and Patricia follow her, not knowing
that a seriously wounded Archie has left Harry's room. Harry uses his
watch, which is also a geiger counter, to follow Archie, who is
slightly radioactive. It leads Harry and Patricia to an unusually
large basement, which then connects to an abandoned grain silo, as
the trail grows cold.
Suddenly, they are trapped inside the silo, as it begins to fill
with water. Harry uses his knowledge of physics to stop the water,
but it doesn't recede. Harry dives down to the bottom of the silo to
find a valve to drain the water, but the unknown man with the German
accents opens a portal, which sucks Harry outside. Harry then save
Patricia from drowning, which pisses-off the unknown man, vowing to
get even. Harry then pays Sylvia a visit and she points a gun at him
that shoots acid ("You shouldn't have stuck your nose into our
business!"). Just before Harry gets an acid-washed face, Patrici
shoots and kills Sylvia (her gun shoots bullets) and both he and
Patricia watch as the silo they were just in explode. We then find
out that Mata Hari's name is Kary, and she works for the German man,
who tells her to keep a close eye on Harry. Harry discovers a secret
room in Professor Rooney's house and learns that the Professor is
alive, also finding some important information on a tape recording.
Patricia calls Harry and tells him that another rocket is about to
be launched. Harry races to Cape Kennedy to stop the launch, but a
crowd of onlookers blocks his way (Remember when you would sit in
front of the TV to watch the latest rocket launch? I do, but it seems
that nowadays people don't care, believing it is a waste of
taxpayer's dollars. Stupid people!). Harry arrives too late, as the
rocket explodes, nearly killing Harry as flaming pieces of the rocket
fall to Earth, destroying his car (a well-done sequence, mixing stock
footage with some excellent miniature work, a specialty from this
film's director). The German man celebrates his latest victory by
popping a bottle of champagne, but why in the world is he exploding
the rockets?
Harry discovers that the German man is actually Mr. Rehte (Folco
Lulli; ERIK THE CONQUEROR
- 1961) a beer magnate! Harry steals one of his beer trucks to
infiltrate Mr. Rehte's headquarters, but Archie, who is miraculousy
healed from the gunshot, is waiting for him. When Archie holds a gun
on Harry, he tells Archie that he has a pen with a transmitter that
will send his agency a notice of where he is. Archie checks out the
pen and is gassed, giving Harry enough time to grab his gun and shoot
Archie dead. Harry is then knocked out and when he wakes up, he
discovers that he is in a room with Professor Rooney, who is being
held captive by Mr. Rehte to develop a laser that will destroy
anything in its path, even hundreds of thousand miles away. Rooney
shows Harry the "hibernation chamber" where Mr. Rehte keeps
people in suspended animation to blackmail their family members to do
his bidding. Kary is one of those being blackmailed, as her father is
being held prisoner in the hibernation chamber. Harry then meets Mr.
Rehte, who tells Harry that very soon he will own Earth. Rehte's
hideout is directly beneath Cape Kennedy and he says that he is going
to launch his own rocket to the Moon, where he will place Professor
Rooney's laser, which will be pointed at Earth. Any country that
doesn't agree with his demands will be destroyed by the laser.
Trouble is, Professor Rooney hasn't perfected the laser yet and Rehte
give him 48 hours to finish the laser or else he will kill his family
in the hibernation chamber. Just like in GOLDFINGER
(1964), Harry is restrained to a table, where a miniature version of
Rooney's laser is inching its way closer and closer towards Harry,
threatening to cut him in half from crotch to stern. Kary frees
Harry, who escapes, but Mr. Rehte captures Kary. Will Harry be able
to stop Mr. Rehte's evil plan and save Kary (and the Earth)? One
thing you can always depend on in Eurospy films is that the good guys
always win, but not without some blowback. The blowback here is Kary
is forced to watch as Mr. Rehte kills her father in the hibernation
chamber (turning him into a skeleton!) and then he kills Kary,
as Harry tries to stop the launch of Mr. Rehte's rocket, fighting
off the bad guys and destroying Rehte's underground headquarters by
filling it with molten lava, which then explodes (more excellent
miniature work). No one said the life of a secret agent would be easy.
It is not hard to see that this is one of director Antonio
Margheriti's (using his pseudonym "Anthony Dawson"; HORROR
CASTLE - 1963; NAKED
YOU DIE - 1968) more colorful mid-60's films. Just like his
sci-fi flicks from the period, such as WILD
WILD PLANET (1965), WAR
OF THE PLANETS (1966) and SNOW
DEVILS - 1967, the sets designs are bathed in bright primary
colors, which mesh nicely with his patented miniature work.
Everything about this film is cartoonish, but when Mr. Rehte kills
Kary's father and Kary herself, it throws the viewer for a loop, as
it runs opposite with the rest of the film. No one ever accused
Anthony Eisley of being a good actor and this film cements that
reputation, but he makes a serviceable action hero. What I also like
about this film is that everyone here speaks English and they dub
their own voices, unusual for an Italian production, but Margheriti
was no stranger to making films in the States. While nothing great,
it is still an enjoyable Eurospy romp. Shot under the title OPERAZIONE
GOLDMAN ("The Goldman Operation", which makes no
sense), this film did get a U.S. theatrical release (by Woolner
Brothers Pictures Inc..), yet it didn't get much play on VHS, except
for a few gray market releases. Originally released on DVD as part of
the Rareflix Triple
Feature Vol. 4 box set and then part of Code
Red's double feature Blu-Ray, with the odd feature THE
RESURRECTION OF ZACHARY WHEELER (1971; my review is based on
this Blu-Ray), one of the first theatrical movies to be shot on
videotape and transferred to film. The print used on the Blu-Ray
isn't perfect, as it has the occasional emulsion scratch here and
there, bit it is colorful and crisp. I doubt you will see it look
better than it does here, because Eurospy flicks are just not
popular. I don't know why. Maybe it's because audiences today expect
all the latest gadgetry and technology, just like the Daniel Craig
Bond films but, in 30 years, they will seem outdated, too (yet all
the Connery Bond films are still looked on with respect and
fondness). Their loss is our gain, but don't look for this to become
a trend. Also starring Renato Montalbano (THE
SWEET BODY OF DEBORAH - 1968), Oreste Palella (REVENGE
FOR REVENGE - 1968), Barta Barri (THE
PEOPLE WHO OWN THE DARK - 1975), Luciana Petri and Clemente
Ukmar. Not Rated.
LIVE
BY THE FIST (1992) - Former Navy
SEAL John Merill (Jerry Trimble) is about to ship out on a tramp
steamer when he runs into four thugs raping a woman. He tries to
break it up, but ends up knocked out after he kills one of the
rapists. When he wakes up, he has a bloody knife in his hand and the
woman is lying dead nearby, her throat cut. Merill is convicted of
murder and is sentenced to spend the rest of his life on a remote
island prison. Once on the island, Acosta (Vic Diaz), the prison
warden, tells Merill and the other new prisoners that escape is
useless and to prove his point, he shows them the half-eaten corpse
of a prisoner that tried to escape, only to end up as shark bait.
Almost immediately, Merill is attacked in the shower, but he manages
to fight them off. Merill is put in a cell with wise, old Uncle Coronado
(George Takei), a long-timer who takes Merill under his wing. He'll
need the help, because a lot of people in the joint want him dead,
including Alvarez (Romy Diaz), who was friends with the rapist Merill
killed. Alvarez has his Asian inmates attack Merill constantly, so
Warden Acosta assigns Merill to the all-white motorpool, run by white
supremacist Sacker (Ted Markland). When Merill saves a gook prisoner
from the wrath of Sacker and fellow missing-tooth mate Greasemonkey
(Nick Nicholson), he also becomes enemies with the white population.
Uncle Coronado tells Merill that Warden Acosta and his right-hand man
Vargas (Roland Dantes) are under investigation by a group called
Human Rights International, headed by Helen Ferris (Laura Albert). It
seems there have been 29 deaths in the prison in the last two years
and one of Uncle Coronado's friends stole a ledger that proves that
the Warden is stealing funds from the prison, but his friend was
killed before he told Coronado where he hid it. If Merill can find
the ledger and turn it over to Ms. Ferris when she arrives in one
week's time, he stands a good chance of being freed. Merill
eventually finds the ledger, but the Warden tries his best to kill
him before he has the chance of putting the ledger in Ms. Ferris'
hands. Good thing Merill is a champion martial artist, because both
the white and Asian prisoners assault him on a daily basis. Can Uncle
Coronado unite all the prisoners before a full-blown race riot breaks
out? It looks pretty grim when the Warden gets Sacker and Alvarez to
start a riot just as Ms. Ferris arrives at the prison, but Merill
steps in and dishes-out some much-deserved justice to all the guilty
parties just in the nick of time. This is the first of Filipino
director Cirio H. Santiago's trio of actioners he made with non-actor
Jerry "Golden Boy" Trimble in the early 90's , the others
being ONE MAN ARMY
(1993) and STRANGLEHOLD
(1994). Trimble is a terrible actor, but he is a decent martial
artist. He still gets hit more than any martial artist I have ever
seen in films (see if Steven Seagal or Jean-Claude Van Damme would
ever be allowed to take so many punches to the face and body as
Trimble does here), which at least makes his character much more
vunerable than you would normally see in these B-films. STAR
TREK's Mr. Sulu, George Takei, is the "name" actor
here and his character is the same type of person that was patented
so well by the late Mako in many films; namely, a wise, sage old man
who is the voice of reason. Takei is fine here, but I especially
liked the performance of Filipino staple Vic Diaz as Warden Acosta.
This is one of his biggest roles in the latter part of his career and
he's appropriately slimey as a man with no morals. LIVE BY THE FIST
may remind you of countless other prison films (especially LOCK
UP [1989], starring Sylvester Stallone and Van Damme's DEATH
WARRANT [1990]), but it's a fast-paced low-budget actioner
with plenty of fights and some bloody carnage. Also, at 78 minutes
long, it doesn't overstay it's welcome. Also starring Steve Rogers,
Jim Moss, Berting Labra, Ramon D'Salva, Archie Adamos, Joseph
Zucchero, John Crank and an uncredited appearance by Santiago staple
Henry Strzalkowski as the cop who arrests Merill in the beginning of
the film. Available on VHS & DVD from New Horizons Home Video. Rated
R.
LIVE
LIKE A COP DIE LIKE A MAN (1976) -
This violent Poliziottesco begins with two guys on a motorcycle
trying to steal a woman's purse. She stubbornly refuses to let go of
it and is dragged across the sidewalk until her head is split open
when it hits the base of a street light. Unconscious (and still not
letting go of the purse!), one of the thieves gets off the bike and
repeatedly kicks
her in the face (she still doesn't let go of it!). Two undercover
cops, Tony (Ray Lovelock) and Fred (Marc Porel), witness the crime
and give chase on their motorcycles (Tony and Fred are initially seen
riding together on the same motorcycle until Tony steals one off the
street to join in the chase). This leads to a long motorcycle chase
through the city of Rome, as Tony and Fred chase the thieves up and
down stone steps, on the sidewalk and through a busy market (The
thieves even run over and kill a blind man's seeing eye dog as they
are crossing the street. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!)
until the thieves crash into the back of a truck. One of the thieves
is killed instantly when he is impaled on the cycle's shifter (!) and
Fred snaps the other's neck after making sure he is
"comfortable"! As you can probably tell, Fred and Tony are
unconventional cops and are part of a "Special Squad" of
undercover lawmen, led by "The Boss" (Adolf Celi), that
deal with high profile robbery cases. Fred and Tony witness their
fellow cop, Rick (Marino Mase), being shotgunned to death in front of
their office, so they shoot one guy on a motorcycle in the back (he
hits a car, flips over the roof and is crushed when another car hits
him) and go after the man responsible, drug dealer Pasquini (Renato
Salvatore). They start off by burning down one of Pasquini's ritzy
gambling houses, which greatly pisses off Pasquini and he has one of
his crooked cops dig up all the information he can on Fred and Tony.
After Tony and Fred resolve a hostage situation at a private
residence (they kill all three hostage takers), they go after
Pasquini using any means necessary (even abusing Pasquini's innocent,
yet sex-starved, sister to get information on her brother).
Meanwhile, Pasquini is not sitting still. He uses a drug addict who
stole drugs from him (he has one of his goons manually remove one of
the addict's eyes!) to set-up Fred and Tony. The finale finds Fred
and Tony waiting for Pasquini on a docked boat wired with dynamite
and Pasquini has his hands on the plunger. Thankfully, Frank and Tony
have a guardian angel and he steps in to save the day. Director
Ruggero Deodato (JUNGLE HOLOCAUST
- 1977;
HOUSE
ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK - 1979; CANNIBAL
HOLOCAUST - 1980; RAIDERS
OF ATLANTIS - 1983) fills this Italian actioner with plenty
of blood and gore (including eye removal, impalements and plenty of
bloody bullet squibs), but the most distinctive feature of this film
is the implied homosexual relationship between Fred and Tony, even if
the producers made Fernando Di Leo (director of the excellent crime
film MANHUNT - 1972) tone down that
aspect in his script. They crack wise and make sexual remarks to The
Boss' sassy secretary Norma (Silvia Dionisio), but through all their
sexual innuendo and outright graphic talk (They banter about
deflowering their maid's underage daughter in front of the maid!), we
not once see them get cozy individually with a woman throughout the
entire film. One scene finds Fred slapping-around and feeling-up
Pasquini's sister and he eventually has sex with her, but then Tony
takes his turn when Fred is done. It seems they share everything,
including an apartment and a single motorcycle, which we see them
riding together at various times throughout the film. It's made very
clear how much they trust each other when they take target practice
in a quarry. They are on opposite ends shooting at cans inches away
from their bodies, sometimes firing their guns at each other while
rolling on the ground! It's also plain to see that if Fred and Tony
weren't policemen, they would make perfect hitmen. They have no
problem killing or torturing people to reach their objectives (One
scene shows Fred applying titty-twisters to two strung-up goons and
then using their bodies as punching bags when they won't give up
Pasquini's whereabouts). Ray Lovelock (LET
SLEEPING CORPSES LIE - 1974; LAST
HOUSE ON THE BEACH - 1978) and Marc Porel (NO
WAY OUT - 1973; LOADED GUNS
- 1975; He died at age 34 in 1983 of meningitis) are believable as
cops and best friends and Adolfo Celi (MANHUNT
- 1972) is also good as their boss, who doesn't approve of their
methods (he believes, and rightfully so, that they are too quick on
the trigger and don't spend enough time thinking about future
consequences of their actions), yet he plays an important role in
saving their asses in the explosive (and quick) finale. Some of the
English dubbing is risable ("We are just sardines. What do we
know about sharks?"), but there are some good action set-pieces
(the opening motorcycle chase is a standout), extreme violence and
some welcome female nudity. Also starring Franco Citti, Sergio
Ammirata and Bruno Corazzari. A Raro
Video DVD Release. Not Rated.
THE
LOSERS (1970) - The Army hires
"scooter trash" (actually a motorcycle gang called the
"Devil's Advocates") to rescue an American ambassador being
kept prisoner in a camp deep in the Cambodian jungle in this
low-rent, but very enjoyable, rip-off of THE
DIRTY DOZEN (1965). This could be called THE DIRTY
HALF-DOZEN MINUS ONE. It starts out like most films in this
genre: Link (William Smith), the leader of the Devil's Advocates, and
his men, which includes Duke (Adam Roarke), Limpy (Paul Koslo), Speed
(Gene Cornelius) and Dirty Denny (Houston Savage), at first act like
the misfits they are, disobeying orders and getting into fights with
the local "slopeheads". But, before long, they
begin acting like a well-oiled machine, even earning the respect of
their commanding officer, Captain Jackson (Bernie Hamilton), who
Dirty Denny at first calls "Super Spook". As they train for
their mission and trick out their Yamahas with machine guns and
rocket launchers (Harleys can't handle the terrain, in case you were
wondering), it becomes apparent that all the bikers were disgraced
soldiers returning to duty to settle old scores and find lost loves
as well as to serve their country for what they all know is a suicide
mission. Link also has a bad past with the American ambassador he is
hired to rescue, but he puts old gripes aside to do his duty. As a
matter of fact, all five bikers have good reasons to live, yet they
go on the mission anyway in what turns out to be a rousing,
action-packed rescue attempt. When one of the bikers deserts the
group and is ambushed and killed just hours before the assault is to
take place, it throws a monkey wrench into the intricate planning.
The remaining four bikers will have to improvise to achieve their
goal. An act of betrayal during the rescue attempt threatens the
survival of all. Directed by genre vet Jack Starrett (RACE
WITH THE DEVIL
- 1975), THE LOSERS (also known
as NAM'S ANGELS and MEAN COMBAT)
is great action entertainment. Starrett definitely patterned the
action scenes after Sam Peckinpah's THE
WILD BUNCH, made the year before. People are riddled with
bullets or fly through the air, all in slow motion. Director Starrett
also plays the treacherous American ambassador that the bikers try to
rescue, only to have him betray all who try to save him. He is truly
as pathetic a human being you're ever likely to see. The fact that he
survives the blood-drenched finale will make your blood boil.
Although it takes a while for the film to get moving, the time is
well-spent as it fleshes the bikers' characters out so they become
people you actually care about. The script (by Alan Caillou; KINGDOM
OF THE SPIDERS - 1977) makes some sharp political
statements, like the plight of abandoned American soldiers' love
children, something unusual for a film of this type and vintage. It
adds extra depth and meaning to the assault by the bikers, which is
well-staged and about as exciting a sequence you'll ever see in a
low-budget action flick. The cast of genre vets do a nice job here
and our old friend, Vic Diaz (who seems to appear in nearly every
film made in the Philippines), also puts in a turn as a mechanic who
doesn't understand English too well. This Joe Solomon-produced flick
is a good bet for action fans that like a little politics thrown in
for good measure. Filippino director Cirio H. Santiago remade this
film in 1988 and called it NAM
ANGELS. It's a pale imitation. Also starring John Garwood,
Ana Korita and Paul Nuckles. Originally released on VHS by Academy
Entertainment and now available on DVD in a beautiful widescreen
print from Dark Sky Films. Rated
R. "Lost are the children of the Lord."
MADE
MEN (1999)
Every once in a while, I find myself viewing a film making its
premiere on pay cable or video and I think to myself, Why
didnt this film play in theaters? This is one of those
films. This is a great action flick that mixes the right amounts of
gunfights, stunts, explosions, humor and most important of all, a
good story. James Belushi portrays an ex-con in the Witness
Protection Program who
stole 12 million dollars from a gangster in Chicago. He is a
perennial liar, incapable of uttering even an iota of truth. Somehow
his cover is blown and he must avoid four hitmen sent after him to
retrieve the stolen loot. One of the hitmen (Michael Beach) may be an
undercover federal agent. Aside from the hitmen, Belushi must also
contend with a corrupt, sadistic sheriff (Timothy Dalton, who really
chews up the scenery), a backwoods hick (Steve Railsback) and his
sons who run a crystal meth factory and, finally, his own wife
(Vanessa Angel), who is more interested in finding the money than
caring about the life of her husband. Belushi (RED
HEAT
1988, GANG
RELATED
1996) is great in his role, tossing funny asides while being
chased, tortured and shot at. Railsback (LIFEFORCE
1985, BARB
WIRE
1996) is a hoot (Hillbillies with cell phones is
Belushis description) and nearly unrecognizable. There is much
violence on view here, including gunshots to the head, multiple
bullet hits, torture with a power drill, car wrecks and explosions.
The scene where Railsback rams his truck into Belushis house
rivals anything youll see on the big screen. Maybe its
because the producers are Joel Silver and Richard Donner, makers of
the 48
HRS.
and LETHAL
WEAPON
franchises. Director Louis Morneau also made the excellent time
travel/action flick RETROACTIVE
(1997; also starring Belushi) and the quirky QUAKE
(1992; starring Railsback). He is also responsible for the lousy SOLDIER
BOYZ (1995),
the so-so CARNOSAUR
2
(1994) and then went on to direct a few middling horror flicks,
including BATS (1999); THE
HITCHER II: I'VE BEEN WAITING (2003) and JOY
RIDE 2: DEAD AHEAD (2008). Morneau handles MADE
MEN
with a sure and steady hand, getting James Belushi to turn in his
best performance in years (It's too bad that Belushi basically gave
up his film career to star in the god-awful TV series ACCORDING
TO JIM [2001 - 2009]. How it lasted for eight years is one
of the great unsolved mysteries of the world.). The finale gives the
viewers a satisfied feeling as Belushi never gives up the goods and
stays true to his character. MADE
MEN
is grand entertainment for the small screen, even though it deserved
to be seen on the big screen. Premiered on HBO with a VHS and DVD
release on the Columbia Tristar Home Video label. Rated
R.
MAD
MISSION (1981) - Wild Hong Kong
heist caper comedy that spoofs everything from THE
PINK PANTHER to THE GODFATHER
while tossing in huge dollops of action set-pieces. A fortune in
diamonds is stolen in a daring heist in a highrise building, where
Sam (Samuel Hui) crashes through an office window while sliding down
a wire, grabs the suitcase containing the diamonds during an exchange
between Chinese gangsters and the Italian Mafia, rides a motorcycle
through various floors of the building and eventually escapes to
safety by motorized glider. Sam leaves a white glove at the scene of
the crime to make it look like the notorious English jewel thief
called "White Glove" committed the robbery. The Godfather
(a ridiculous-looking young white guy made-up to look fat and old,
not to mention sounding exactly like Marlon Brando) puts the squeeze
on White Glove to find the real thief and bring back the diamonds,
otherwise he will be sleeping with the fishes. Meanwhile, the British
government assign bald Chinese-American cop, Lt. Kodyjack (Karl Mak)
and female Chinese cop Supt. Hot Tongue (Sylvia Chang), to find the
diamonds. They eventually team-up with Sam when Sam's partner hides
the diamonds and dies before he can tell him where they are. He does
tell Sam that he hid clues to the location on tattoos he placed on
the asses of two women (Don't try to make sense of this. Your head
will hurt.). Along the way, Kodyjack and Hot Tongue fall in love, Sam
falls in love with Hot Tongue's sister Marge (Carroll Gordon) and
everyone's lives are threatened, first by a Chinese mobster named Al
Capone (he flips out when he spots Sam and Kodyjack taking a picture
of his sister's naked ass) and then by White Glove and his minions.
The rest of the film is nothing but a series of slapstick adventures,
as the trio tries to find the tattooed women and then locate the
diamonds. That's basically the entire plot. The film is nothing but
one comical gag after another, where Sam and Kodyjack have their
lives endangered every ten minutes or so, be it by hanging (a comic
highlight where they both have nooses slipped around their necks
while tied to opposite ends of a suspended pipe and they take turns
in the air hanging by their necks by jumping up and down), by
explosives or numerous car chases, while Hot Tongue sits on the
sideline, first hating Kodyjack and later swooning whenever he is
near (it's quite chauvinistic, actually). Ah, those darn Chinese and
their crazy customs! Lightweight in violence, but action-packed
from beginning to end, this Hong Kong comedy film (originally known
as ACES GO PLACES) was so popular that it spawned four
official sequels and numerous imitations. Director Eric Tsang (who
also directed the first sequel, MAD
MISSION II [1983], as we
ll
as other films like THE TIGERS
[1991]) keeps things extremely comical, even if people do die before
your eyes (Al Capone and his gang are blown-up in his car by his own
bomb in a comical mix-up). It's hard to take any of this seriously,
especially when Karl Mak (a co-producer here) dresses like Ming The
Merciless from the 1980 version of FLASH
GORDON and dances on stage during a ballet (famed director
Tsui Hark portrays the ballet theater director). While the action
scenes don't have the "pop" of later Hong Kong films, it's
easy to see that this was one of the blueprints for later 80's Hong
Kong action cinema (especially Jackie Chan's PROJECT
A [1983]). Even though this film borrows liberally from many
films (the whole "tattoo on the ass" subplot was lifted
directly from Antonio Margheriti's THE
STRANGER AND THE GUNFIGHTER [1974]), it also influenced
later films, including the Dirty Harry film, THE
DEAD POOL (1988). Watch it and you'll know what I mean. If I
do have a problem with this film, it's the English dub track, which
tries to be too cutsey-poo with the characters' names and most of the
dialogue, especially Karl Mak's conversations with Sylvia Chang. It
makes him look and sound like a real chauvinistic pig and hurts his
likability factor, especially for female viewers. I'm sure something
was lost in the translation, because Hong Kong humor sometimes fails
to register with Western audiences. While Samuel Hui was called
"King Kong" in the Hong Kong edit, he's inexplicably called
"Sam" here and the name "King Kong" is given to a
bumbling bearded cop. Mak's character Kodyjack is a play on TV's KOJAK
(he's called Detective Albert Au, or "Baldy" in the Hong
Kong version) and Chang's Supt. Hot Tongue was changed from
"Supt. Ah Tung". Unfortunately, although the film looks
great in the widescreen version offered on DVD from Anchor Bay
Entertainment, only the English-dubbed version is available. This
version is also missing about 13 minutes of footage (a few sequences
are edited down and whole scenes are missing) that is available on
other editions that are subtitled in English. It's still an enjoyable
romp, but whoever wrote the English dub track should really suffer
from some painful affliction for needlessly subjecting us to some cringe-worthy
dialogue. An Anchor
Bay Entertainment Release. Not Rated, but no worse than a PG-13.
MAGNUM
COP (1978) - We first meet
Walter "Wally" Spada (Maurizio Merli; COVERT
ACTION - 1978), a.k.a. "The Fox", taking photos of
a woman and her daughter, when he sees three men try to kidnap the
young girl. Wally pulls out his pistol and kills one of the
kidnappers, saving the girl. Wally is a Rome ex-cop-turned-private
eye who, along with his partner Vinnie (Massimo Vanni; THE
BIG RACKET - 1976), runs a low-rent private detective agency
that is rapidly going broke. A big break comes with a letter in the
mail, asking him to find the daughter of a rich Austrian banker, Von
Straben (Alexander Trojan), who has run off to Rome.
The letter contains a check for two thousand dollars, so Wally and
Vinnie get to work. The photos in the letter contain a naked photo of
the daughter, Annalise (Annarita Grapputo; DOUBLE
GAME - 1977), with a man, who Wally identifies as street
pimp Strip (Salvatore Billa; BLOOD
AND DIAMONDS - 1977). Wally meets Strip on the street and
has to beat the crap out of him to get him to tell Wally where
Annalise is. It seems Annalise quit the prostitution game and joined
the Hare Krishnas, so Wally goes to the nearest Krishna chapter and
sees Annalise in the background. Unfortunately, career criminal Peg
Leg Vincenzo (Umberto Amambrini; FRANKENSTEIN
'80 - 1972) and his boss, Strauss (Werner Pochath; TERROR
EXPRESS - 1979), are also after Annalise (they kill Strip
after he tells them where Annalise can be found), so Wally kidnaps
her and brings her back to his place. Annalise tries to seduce Wally
by stripping in front of him, but Wally isn't biting, so she fakes a
medical condition, forcing Wally to run to the drug store for her
medication, where Annalise escapes, only to be kidnapped by Peg Leg
and Strauss. Wally visits Peg Leg's wife (Luciana Turina; RIOT
IN A WOMEN'S PRISON - 1974), a fat broad who is screwing a
skinny man who is not her husband (it's quite funny) and she tells
Wally that her husband ran off to Vienna, Austria, so Wally heads
there, too, leaving Vinnie to take care of the office in Rome (and
beat-off the bill collectors!).
In Vienna, Wally joins forces with private investigator Karl Koper
(Gastone Moschin; WEEKEND
MURDERS - 1970), the person who sent Wally the two thousand
dollar check on Von Staben's behalf (A running joke throughout the
film is Karl being quite proud of his ultra-modern office with all
the latest technological advances, but Wally makes him believe he has
better technology at his office in Rome. It's a running joke that
works quite well in the confines of this film.). When Karl and Wally
talk to Von Straben, he tells them to discontinue the search for his
daughter, Annalise has returned to the family fold, but it is quite
obvious she hasn't and Von Straben is being blackmailed for some
reason. As Wally is in Karl's office and about to return to Rome, he
meets elderly woman Mrs. Tricazzi (actress unknown), who has been
constantly bothering Karl to investigate the death of her 14-year-old
daughter Gina (Claudia Messner). She believes her daughter was
murdered and didn't die in a traffic accident, so Wally takes her
case and stays in Austria, much to the disappointment of Karl, who
believes Mrs. Tricazzi is just in mourning and can't accept that Gina
died in a simple traffic accident. Wally's investigation leads him to
young schoolgirl Renate (Jasmine Maimone; DEMONS
6: DE PROFUNDIS - 1989), who was Gina's best friend, but
when he goes to talk to Renate, she denies even knowing Gina, calling
Wally a "moralist."
Wally is then beaten up by three of Strauss' hoods, one of them who
is named Kurdt (Giuseppi Marrocco; SHOOT
FIRST, DIE LATER - 1974). With Karl's help, Wally is able to
find out that Kurdt has a record for sexual assaults on minors and
realizes he may be responsible for Gina's murder. This leads Wally to
coroner Dr. Zimmer (Franco Ressel; THE
MANIAC RESPONSIBLE - 1975), who performed the autopsy on
Gina and determined her death was accidental. Wally is sure Dr.
Zimmer is covering-up Gina's murder, so he implies to Dr. Zimmer that
he is going to have Gina's body exhumed and another autopsy by
another doctor being performed on her body, which doesn't sit too
well with Zimmer.
Wally also discovers that Strauss is the owner of the Queen Anne, an
upscale strip club, so Wally goes there and watches Brigitte (Joan
Collins; TERROR
FROM UNDER THE HOUSE - 1971) do a slow striptease in front of
a rapt audience. Brigitte doesn't take her eyes off Wally, but there
are men in the audience watching him, too, one of them telling Wally
to never come back to the club again. Wally then picks up Renate in
Karl's lime green Porsche and she hits on him, saying girls her age
often have sex and some of them even do it for money. When Wally
mentions Gina's name, Renate suddenly wants Wally to take her home,
saying she'll be late for dinner! Wally won't let up, telling Renate
that she knows what happened to Gina, so she better spill the beans.
Renate tells Wally to take her home, otherwise she'll yells rape and
he will be arrested and sent to jail.
Wally returns to the Queen Anne and asks the busty barmaid if
Strauss is looking for him. Brigitte walks up to the bar and begins
talking to Wally, telling him she tried to pick him up when they
first saw each other, but now it is too late; now it is his turn to
pick her up. They go out on a date, which turns out to be a set-up,
for as Wally walks Brigitte to her apartment building's front door,
two of Strauss' goons sneak up on Wally and give him a beatdown.
Wally is taken to a bowling alley (a popular location for Italian
[and American] genre films), where Strauss tells Wally to leave
Vienna; he has twenty-four hours to do so, otherwise he is dead.
Wally then goes to Brigitte's place and slaps the hell out of her for
setting him up, but they end up making love. Wally deduces that
Gina's murder and Annalise's kidnapping are related, so he and Karl
go to Von Straben and discover that he is being blackmailed by
Strauss for five million dollars for Annalise's safe return. But what
does Strauss have on Von Straben?
Wally then takes Brigitte to a fancy restaurant for dinner, where he
gets a phony phone call and then discovers Brigitte talking to Dr.
Zimmer. When Wally returns to the table, Brigitte excuses herself to
go to the ladies room (she tells Wally she doesn't feel well because
they made too much love that day!). When she doesn't return, the
maitre d' tells Wally he saw Brigitte leave with Dr. Zimmer. Just
what is going on here? When Wally drives back to his hotel room, he
discovers Dr. Zimmer's dead body in his bedroom, a bullet in his head
in what looks like to be a suicide. When Wally leaves, he discovers
his car has two flat tires, apparently sliced with a sharp knife. He
runs away fast, realizing that he is being set-up again. He is shot
at and chased on foot by a car and after some fancy acrobatics and
destroying the car, Wally is chased on foot by Strauss and his head
goon (Sergio Mioni; THE
BLOODSTAINED SHADOW - 1978). Wally hides in a subway station
phone booth and phones Karl, telling him to get here ASAP and to honk
his horn when he arrives. Karl saves Wally's ass and all he wants to
do now is go to sleep, but Wally is worried that Strauss will kill
Annalise, if he already hasn't done so. Wally still has one lead:
Renate, but what can she tell him? Turns out, quite a lot. Renate is
a member of an underage prostitution ring, in which Strauss is the
boss and Brigitte is the pimp and Madame. Renate tells Wally how
Brigitte tempted her with expensive clothes and jewelry, which is how
it all began. Gina was also a member, thanks to Renate introducing
her to Brigitte, but when Gina refused to become a prostitute, they
killed her to keep her from talking to the police, paying Dr. Zimmer
to say she died in a car accident.
Von Straben tells Wally and Karl that Strauss wants the five million
dollars today and also tells Wally that if Annalise is already dead,
to make sure Strauss pays for it with his life. Wally has an idea
where Annalise is being held, but can he save her in time? First, he
must save Renate from being murdered by Strauss, who found out she
talked to Wally. He arrives too late, as one of Strauss' goons
viciously hits Renate with a car and leaves her mangled, bloody body
at the side of a busy intersection (It's quite shocking in its
execution.). Wally demands that Von Straben tells him where he is
handing Strauss the money, saying it's his only hope if he wants to
see Annalise alive. Wally watches Strauss pick up the money and
follows him, leading to the film's bloody conclusion. Wally finds
Annalise dead, the victim of an intentional hotshot overdose.
Brigitte kills Strauss and takes the money, but Wally catches her and
makes her strip ("All the way!"). Wally puts a gun to her
face and can't believe someone so beautiful could be responsible for
such heinous crimes. Wally is then hit in the back of his head and
two shots ring out. When Wally awakens, he finds a completely naked
Brigitte dead on the couch, but who fired the shots? Wally finds a
hidden camera behind one of the room's paintings, which leads him to
a hidden room full of photographic equipment. When he develops the
film, he discovers who killed Brigitte.
Warning: SPOILERS!!! It was Von
Straben, who was a customer of Brigitte and Strauss. They had photos
of him sleeping with an underage Gina and that is why he was being
blackmailed. When Wally and Karl confront Von Straben, he swallows a
cyanide pill in front of them and dies. END OF SPOILERS!!!
As Wally is about to leave Vienna for Rome, Karl tells him that he's
been called to Rome on a big case and can't wait to work with Wally
in his ultra-modern office. Being quick on his feet, Wally tells Karl
that he is moving to New York, his office has been taken over
by...the C.I.A.! (The look on Karl's face will make you laugh out loud).
The first thing you will notice about this Eurocrime film, directed
by Stelvio Massi (FIVE
WOMEN FOR THE KILLER - 1974; EMERGENCY
SQUAD - 1974; BLOOD,
SWEAT AND FEAR - 1975; HELL'S
HEROES - 1987; BLACK
ANGEL - 1989) and written by Massi, Franz Antel & Gino
Capone (Fulci's CONQUEST -
1983), is how much comedy is in it and much of it works, thanks to
Maurizio Merli and Gastone Moschin, whose interplay together makes
this film very memorable and sometimes downright funny. Those who
only know Merli as a serious actor will be quite surprised here, as
he shows a deft hand at comedy, but it's Moschin who really shines in
his role as Karl, who is flabbergasted at some of Wally's
dialogue with him, as he tries to one-up him at every opportunity,
making Karl feel inferior. The truth is Karl is very good at what he
does and supplies Wally with all the vital information he needs to
solve the case(s), but Wally never thanks him for a job well done. He
keeps making him feel inferior, but Karl keeps chugging along, even
saving Wally's life without a single thank-you. The truth is, they
make the perfect private detective pair and this film takes full
advantage of it. That's not to say that this entire film's a comedy,
because it's not. When it needs to be, this film can be very serious,
as the deaths are brutal (especially Renate's) and the blood flows
freely, but this film finds the perfect balance between these two
opposing scenarios and milks it to a tee (Werner Pochath is
appropriately slimy as Strauss). As a matter of fact, this would be a
perfect companion piece with director Massimo Dallamano's WHAT
HAVE YOU DONE TO SOLANGE? (1972) and WHAT
HAVE THEY DONE TO YOUR DAUGHTERS? (1974), as well as
director Alberto Negrin's RINGS
OF FEAR (1978) since they all deal with murders caused by
the underage prostitution racket (Not to forget director Carl
Lizzani's THE
TEENAGE PROSTITUTION RACKET - 1975). The late Stelvio
Cipriani's jaunty music score,
one of his best, also helps this film immensely, keeping the comedy
and seriousness at a perfect balance. I've read a lot of reviews
stating that this film contributed to the downfall of the Eurocrime
film, but that simply is not true. It just injected some needed
comedy into the genre and it works, so if you want to see something a
little different, I recommend this film whole-heartedly. It's
entertaining, funny and violent. What more could you want? Oh, yeah,
and you get to see Joan Collins in the raw!
Shot as POLIZIOTTO SENZO PAURA
("Fearless Policeman") and also known as FEARLESS,
FEARLESS FUZZ
and FATAL CHARM,
this film failed to get a U.S. theatrical release, but did make it to
VHS in 1986 from New World Home Video, with a budget
VHS to follow from EDDE Entertainment. It was then released on a
wide variety of budget DVD
releases, both as a single film or part of a double feature (such as
the DVD offered by Alpha
Home Entertainment) since it fell into the Public Domain (PD),
but there have been no quality widescreen disc releases in the United
States. Amazon Prime offers it streaming in an extremely nice-looking
anamorphic widescreen release, dubbed in English, either for free (as FEARLESS
FUZZ), or at a cost (as FEARLESS),
so go for the free version, as it is completely unedited, just like
the pay version (Amazon is tricky like that, so do your homework!).
No Blu-Ray at the time of this review. Also featuring Andrea Scotti (WEREWOLF
WOMAN - 1976), Mario Granato (WEAPONS
OF DEATH - 1976) and the beautiful Heidi Gutrof as Utte,
Karl's secretary, who fancies Wally (but he uses her, too!). Not Rated.
MAGNUM
THUNDERBOLT (1985) - Another
cut-and-paste actioner from director/screenwriter Godfrey Ho (here
using the pseudonyms "Kenneth Kong" and "Benny Ho"
respectively) and producer Joseph Lai (who, for some strange reason,
only takes an Executive Producer credit here) for Lai's IFD Films And
Arts Limited production outfit. A hitman named Philip (Philip Ko; NINJA
TERMINATOR - 1986; ANGEL'S
BLOOD MISSION - 1988) arrives in Hong Kong and checks into a
hotel, where he tells the bellboy, "You can bring me a
woman." After some extremely sweaty sex (where he throws a glass
of wine on the prostitute's naked breasts and then fucks her doggy
style), he gets down to business and inserts an audio tape into a
cassette player, where his employer informs him (in his best MISSION
IMPOSSIBLE voice) that he is to "dispose of" three
men: Two American brothers, John (John Culkin) and Tom (John
Ladalski), front men for the Chicago Mafia in Southeast Asia; and
Shikamura (Shikamura Yafli Yoshi), a Japanese member of the Red Army
who was sent to Hong Kong to destroy Philip's employer's
organization. After destroying the audio tape, Philip sets out on his
mission; first going to Shikamura's apartment, only to find Shikamura
waiting for him, Samurai sword in hand. After defeating Shikamura (by
shoving two metal pins into his forehead!), Philip pays a visit to
his brother Jackie (Chan Wai Man), a Hong Kong police inspector
who has no idea Philip is an assassin (he thinks Philip owns a
slaughterhouse on Mainland China). Later that night, a cackling
psychopath takes a cop and his girlfriend hostage (where he not only
threatens to rape the girlfriend, he pulls down the cop's pants and
threatens to buttfuck him!) and Jackie intervenes, shooting the
psychopath dead. Jackie's boss is tired of his "shoot first and
ask questions later" behavior and warns Jackie that if there are
any more deaths on his behalf, he will get kicked off the force (It
seems Jackie and Philip are not that different). The film then goes
off on a tangent, where two rival crime organizations, one headed by
Mr. Chao (some badly-matched new footage is inserted to show that
John and Tom are partners with Mr. Chao, who wears a series of
ridiculous golf caps whenever he is on-screen, making him look about
as threatening as Ralph Malph on HAPPY
DAYS [1974 - 1984]) and the other headed by Simon Chan
(Simon Liu), battle each other over drug trade dominance. It turns
out that Philip is friends with Simon, making his job of killing John
and Tom that much easier. Philip first kills Tom on the beach (in a
sequence that must be seen to be believed) and then turns his
attention to John (another sequence that will blow your mind), but
when brother Jackie is assigned to investigate the string of murders,
it becomes obvious that sooner or later they will face-off against
each other. Or so you would think. That never happens, though (this
is a Godfrey Ho film, after all), as Jackie is killed and Philip vows
revenge. When he discovers that Simon and Mr. Chao are actually
working together (What?!?), Philip uses all his assassin skills to
get even, shooting Mr. Chao in the back with a sniper rifle and
finally facing down ex-friend Simon in a haunted house (!), where no
one is left standing. This Hong Kong actioner has some truly
"What The Fuck?!?" moments, such as when Tom is taking
photos of a nude woman on the beach, which then turns absolutely
insane. He ends up tying her up spread-eagle on her back using four
posts in the sand, begins painting her body and then releases a horde
of baby turtles on her naked body, followed by placing a live eel
between her spread legs (her vagina tastefully hidden behind a bunch
of grapes). Philip comes by in the nick of time and kills Tom (it
turns into a hatchet/spade fight and ends when Philip manually
impales an arrow in Tom's chest), but instead of freeing the poor
girl, Philip just walks over her like she's not there! Another truly
WTF moment comes when John, disguised as a woman, tries to kill
Philip with an exploding baby stroller (!), only to have Philip pull
a boomerang (!!) out of his jacket and slits John's throat with it.
There are many more memorable moments, such as when Jackie goes to a
gym with a drug-sniffing dog and he makes all the female patrons
line-up in a single file while the dog sniffs their crotches. When
the dog hits on something, Jackie makes all the women take off their
panties and jump up and down, which results in bag-after-bag of
heroin to fall out of their snatches! The film's finale also totally
rips-off the conclusion of the Charles Bronson film THE
MECHANIC (1972). The newly-shot footage with John Culkin and
John Ladalski is a little less obvious this time, mainly because
Philip Ko, who stars in the old footage, appears in the new footage,
too (the difference in film stock between the old and new footage is
rather apparent, though). As with all Godfrey Ho/Joseph Lai pastiche
films, this one is full of stolen music cues and hilarious English
dubbing. When Mr. Chao says to one of his contacts, "What kind
of schmuck do you think I am?", I nearly shit my pants
(apparently the Chinese are just Jews at heart) and during a
nightclub sequence, one of the female dubbers confuses Chao and
Chan's names. Another winner in the Ho/Lai canon of
"Thunderbolt" films, which includes MAJESTIC
THUNDERBOLT (1984), INFERNO THUNDERBOLT
(1985) and SCORPION
THUNDERBOLT (1985), none of them related. Also starring
Martin Ting, Keith Cheng, Homer Cheung, Maggie Wu and Herman Kwan.
Never available on home video in the U.S.; the print I viewed was
sourced from a Greek-subtitled VHS tape. Be aware that the German
VHS tape of this title is actually MAJESTIC THUNDERBOLT.
At no time does Richard Harrison make an appearance here. Not Rated.
THE
MAN FROM HONG KONG (1975) -
This sweeping Hong Kong/Australian co-production is a treat for both
the eyes and ears. After federal drug enforcement agent Bob Taylor
(Roger Ward) captures drug trafficker Win Chan (a young Sammo Hung)
in Australia while he is delivering a shipment of heroin (He says to
one of his agents when he asks Taylor if it's heroin: "Well,
it's not sherbert!"), Hong Kong supercop/playboy Inspector Fang
Sing Leng (Jimmy Wang Yu) is flown in to interrogate the suspect
since Win Chan can't speak English. Inspector Leng's interrogation
techniques consist of beating the crap out of Win Chan in his cell
and then sticking his head in the toilet. Chan tells Leng that the
kingpin behind the drug cartel is Jack Wilton (George Lazenby), but
when Leng, Taylor and his partner Morrie Grosse (Hugh Keays-Byrne,
Toecutter in MAD MAX - 1979)
are escorting Chan to the airport, he is shot dead by an assassin
(Grant Page). Leng chases the assassin, which leads to a long (and
exciting) martial arts fight in a crowded Chinese restaurant (where
the assassin splits his pants), resulting in the assassin getting
killed. It's apparent that Leng is a cop that doesn't like to play by
the rules, which is a good thing, because rich and
influential businessman Jack Wilton (who is also a black belt) will
stop at nothing to make sure that Leng ends up dead. After
unsuccessfully sending two men to kill Leng in his hotel room (Leng
fights them in his pajamas!), Leng calls on Australian reporter
Caroline Thorne (Ros Spiers), who he met (and bedded) in Hong Kong
when she landed her hang glider on his training grounds (after
screwing him, she says to Leng, "You're my first Chinese!), to
introduce him to Wilton. She does, at an outdoor party, where Wilton
insults Leng ("I never met a Chinese yet that didn't have a
yellow streak") and then challenges him to a martial arts fight
in front of all the party guests. After getting a few licks in on
Wilton and beating up a bunch of his men, Caroline steps in the
middle to break it up, just as Wilton was about to kill Leng with a
crossbow. When Leng later takes on Wilton's kung-fu school's entire
student body by himself, he is seriously hurt and is rescued by
Angelica (Rebecca Gilling), who nurses him back to health and they
fall in love. When Angelica is killed when the van they are driving
in is blown up by Wilton's men, Leng goes on a killing spree. The
finale finds Leng using a hang glider to invade Wilton's penthouse
apartment. After a well-staged fight between Leng and Wilton, Leng
tapes a grenade in Wilton's mouth, makes him sign a confession and
then pulls the pin. As Wilton and his penthouse explode in a
fireball, Leng, Taylor and Grosse have a good laugh about how it
takes a foreigner to achieve justice on Australian soil. This
is an excellent martial arts actioner from Australian director Brian
Trenchard-Smith (STUNT ROCK
- 1978; ESCAPE 2000 - 1982; DEAD
END DRIVE-IN - 1986; DAY
OF THE PANTHER - 1987) and co-produced by Raymond Chow for
his Golden Harvest Films. Non-stop action from beginning to end, with
short intervals of Leng screwing women (and some topless nudity), THE
MAN FROM HONG KONG tried to make Jimmy Wang Yu, director and
star of the cult classic MASTER
OF THE FLYING GUILLOTINE (made the same year as this), an
international star, but failed. Not for lack of trying, though. Yu is
an entertaining screen hero and his fighting skills are impressive,
but his (obviously) dubbed voice and deadly serious tone may have
been a turn-off for American viewers, who originally saw this in
theaters in a slightly-edited version titled THE
DRAGON FLIES. Still, there's a lot to like about this film,
from the frequent fights, excellent stunts (including a damn-good car
chase in the latter part of the film, where Leng kills everyone
involved with Angelica's death) and the beautiful Australian scenery.
Ex-James Bond George Lazenby (who a year earlier starred as the title
character in the excellent Hong Kong actioner STONER),
is quite good as the villain, spouting racist dialogue ("I find
Chinese make the best servants.") and doing most of his fight
scenes without the benefit of a stuntman (even doing a fire stunt,
which resulted in Lazenby being hospitalized for severe burns to his
hands). I always liked Lazenby as an actor, (his style is loose and
natural) and thought he never got the recognition he deserved. This
film is a must for all martial arts and action junkies and the Hong
Kong DVD, by Fortune Star, is a thing of beauty. Not only do
you get a near-flawless uncut widescreen print, but the reworked 5.1
Dolby Digital soundtrack is very lively and will have you jumping out
of your seat during several scenes, particularly during the car
explosion in the beginning of the film and the theme song, "Sky
High" by Jigsaw, is an excellent choice considering the subject
matter and sounds great here. A required purchase. Trenchard-Smith's
next fictional film would be DEATH
CHEATERS (1976) after his documentary DANGER
FREAKS (1975) both starring Grant Page, the world's best
stuntman. Also starring Frank Thring, Bill Hunter and John Orcsik. A
Fortune Star DVD Release. Not Rated, but originally
Rated R when shown in U.S. theaters.
MAN
HUNT (1984) - A nameless Stranger
(John Ethan Wayne; SCREAM
- 1981) wins big at the racetrack and buys two horses for $2,000.00.
As he is riding them on the plains of Arizona (filmed on location),
he stops at a ranch to water the horses. The ranch's owner, Bill
Robeson (Ernest Borgnine; UPPERCUT MAN
- 1988), accuses the Stranger of stealing the horses, telling him
they are his, he just hasn't had the time to brand them yet. The
Stranger objects as Robeson and his ranch hands lead the horses away,
Robeson telling him he is lucky he is letting him go free, horse
thieves are usually hanged in this part of the country. Robeson also
tells the Stranger if he has a receipt for the horses, he'll be glad
to give them back. Unfortunately, the Stranger doesn't have one, so
he stops at the local bar and phones the man who sold him the horses.
The Stranger goes to Robeson's ranch and shows him a telegraph the
seller sent saying he bought the horses from him, only for Robeson to
throw the telegraph to the ground, saying it doesn't prove anything,
anyone could have sent it (He has a point). The Stranger then sees
that his horses are about to be branded by the ranch hands, so he
beats the stuffing out of them, only to be arrested by Sheriff Louie
(Bo Svenson; DOUBLE TARGET
- 1987; who could play this role blindfolded). At his trial, it turns
out to be a kangaroo court and the corrupt judge sentences the
Stranger to 1½ to 3 years of hard time in an Arizona
correctional facility.
Once in prison, the Stranger is abused by the Prison Boss (Henry
Silva; BRONX WARRIORS 2
- 1983) and his equally sadistic Head Guard (Raymond Harmstorf; THE
LONG SWIFT SWORD OF SIGFRIED - 1971 [this film is not big on
giving most of its characters proper names]), who make him follow the
bus back to
prison every night on foot after working in the sweltering heat in
the desert digging useless holes (If he doesn't keep up with the bus,
the guard dogs will bite and maul him). One night, the Stranger
escapes from prison (rather too easily) and heads to Robeson's ranch,
where he is captured by the ranch hands, strung-up and whipped. The
Sheriff then arrests him and brings the Stranger back to prison,
where he is roughed up by the Head Guard and the Prison Boss, but the
Stranger fights back and escapes from prison again, this time
stealing the prison bus and leading the police on a long statewide
chase, where police cars are destroyed in slow-motion crashes.
That's basically the entire film in a nutshell, another variation of
the THUNDER WARRIOR
series (1983 - 1986), directed/produced/co-written by that series'
head honcho, Fabrizio De Angelis (DEADLY IMPACT
- 1984; OPERATION NAM - 1985 [also
starring Ethan Wayne] and the KARATE
WARRIOR series
- 1988-1993), once again using his "Larry Ludman"
nom-de-plume. Unlike the THUNDER WARRIOR series (which I
happen to like), this film is flat and lifeless, not helped by the
fact that John Ethan Wayne is bland and boring, showing none of the
charisma of his famous father, The Duke. This is not much of a chase
flick, either, as the Stranger is not out to get revenge on anyone,
not the Prison Boss, not the Head Guard and, especially, not Bill
Robeson (who turns out to be a good guy, helping the Stranger escape
and telling him that when he comes back, his horses will be waiting
for him!). The Stranger just wants to find the man who sold him the
horses, so he can get a receipt to prove the horses are his! (Which
he does, in a finale that defies all common sense, but I'll leave
that for you to discover). The screenplay, by De Angelis and Dardano
Sacchetti (as "David Parker Jr."; THE
PSYCHIC - 1977; BLASTFIGHTER
- 1984; and De Angelis' KILLER
CROCODILE - 1989), if you want to call it that, is basically
one man's love for his two new horses, who is willing to serve three
years hard time to prove that the horses are his. It doesn't help
that the Stranger is a one-dimensional character, without a lick of
personality, so it's hard to believe that he would put himself
through all this just for two horses. It doesn't look like he is
capable of loving anything, nevermind two animals. And that is where
this film fails. We feel nothing for the Stranger, not even pity,
because he puts himself through hell and does stupid things to get
his horses back. Also, Borgnine's character changing from bad guy to
good guy also defies expectations and not in a good way. It hard to
believe he has compassion for the Stranger, especially the way he
treated him in the beginning of the film. All in all, this film fails
on so many levels, it's hard to recommend it to anyone but those who
have to see every Italian chase drama out there. I'm a fan of that
genre, but this film just doesn't cut it. It's slow, lazy and the
characters are stereotypes.
Shot as CANE ARRABBIATO ("Mad
Dog", an alternate title for the film), this film never
received a U.S. theatrical release (as far as I could discover,
although IMDb lists the film being released theatrically by the
Samuel Goldwyn Company, something I couldn't verify), but was
released on VHS (by Media
Home Entertainment) as THE
MANHUNT. While not a Spaghetti Western per se, this film has
appeared on several Spaghetti Western DVD compilations, including
Mill Creek Entertainment's SPAGHETTI
WESTERN 44 MOVIE COLLECTION. Amazon Prime offers the most
complete version of the film streaming (under the Italian title) in
anamorphic widescreen and dubbed in English. Every once in a while
people begin talking in Italian because there were sections of the
film never dubbed for English speaking territories (It's jarring to
hear Henry Silva speaking English and his next line is in Italian!).
The rest of the cast are mainly stunt people or local actors,
although two people stand out: Randy Mulkey and Jack Dunlap. They
were the star and director respectively of the bad, bad, bad Western
horror film NATAS: THE REFLECTION
(1986). Also featuring Terry Lynch as Robeson's Daughter. Not Rated,
but there's nothing really objectionable.
MANHUNT
(1972) - The New York Mob sends two American hitmen, Dave
Cantania (Henry Silva) and Frank Webster (Woody Strode), to Italy to
kill Luca Canali (Mario Adorf), who they believe took part in a theft
of a six million dollar shipment of their heroin. The Mob wants
Luca's death to be flashy as possible, a warning to all those who
would even think about ripping them off in the future. The only
problem is, Luca (who is a beefy, but goodhearted, pimp) is innocent.
Dave and Frank make their way to Milan, where they are met by the
beautiful Eva Lalli (Luciana Paluzzi), who is assigned to show them a
good time and get their faces shown around town. Dave and Frank's
first stop is local Mafia kingpin Don Vito Tressoldi (Adolfo Celi),
who agrees to deliver Luca to them alive, but privately is very
suspicious of the two American's sudden presence. It's also apparent
that the two hitmen have distinct (and opposite) personalities. Frank
is all business and would rather just get the job done, while Dave is
a womanizer (he likes his hookers!) and a partier, which soons gets
him in trouble with some prostitutes and scooter-riding toughs in a
park one night (Frank reluctantly steps in and saves his ass). Two of
Don Vito's men pick up Luca and try to rough him up in a sawmill
(Luca says, "Smells good. What's it's for, making
coffins?"), but Luca beats the snot out of them before Don Vito
arrives. Luca then calls Dave and Frank and tells them to come to the
sawmill, to embarass Do Vito (Dave shoots Don Vito's two men in the
kneecaps to prove he means business. Don Vito then kills them to
prove he means business, too!). Luca is now one of the most wanted
men in Milan (even his live-in whore leaves him when one of Don
Vito's men gives her a titty-twister!), so he goes to friend Enrico
(Franco Fabrizi) for a gun and is forced to kill two of Don Vito's
men when they try to bring him in. Don Vito threatens the life of
Luca's ex-wife Lucia (Sylvia Koscina) and young daughter Rita and
when Luca goes to take them to safety, he helpless watches as a van
driven by one of Don Vito's men runs them over and kills them (in the
film's most shocking scene). The hunted becomes the hunter and, after
he kills the van driver, Luca sets his sights on Don Vito. After
getting well-deserved justice, Luca must still contend with Dave and
Frank. He decides to do so on his terms in an auto junkyard, where a
giant claw on a crane comes into play. This early 70's
Italian/German co-production, directed and co-scripted by Fernando Di
Leo (SLAUGHTER HOTEL
- 1971; MILANO
CALIBRO 9 - 1972; SHOOT
FIRST, DIE LATER - 1974; KIDNAP
SYNDICATE - 1975), is an excellent way to spend 92 minutes,
thanks to Mario Adorf's (SHORT
NIGHT OF GLASS DOLLS - 1971; THE
COED MURDERS - 1974) nuance
d
performance as Luca, some excellent action set-pieces and a brassy
music score. My favorite sequence comes when Luca witnesses his
ex-wife and daughter's deaths. He chases down the van driver, first
by stealing a car and then in a foot chase in his quest to get
retribution. When he jumps on the speeding van and headbutts the
windshield until he breaks through the glass to get his hands on the
driver (where he eventually stabs the driver in the throat), you know
he really means business. What's truly remarkable about Adorf's
performance, though, is that he goes through nearly the entire film
not knowing why he is a wanted man. When he finally finds out as he
corners Don Vito (after killing all his men), you can see in his eyes
that he has passed the point of no return. Knowing that the American
hitmen will not give up until their contract is completed, Luca kills
Don Vito (another very good scene) and sets up a meeting with Dave
and Frank in a junkyard, in the film's uncompromising finale (there's
a scene with a kitten that will break your heart). Both Henry Silva (ALMOST
HUMAN - 1974; CRY
OF A PROSTITUTE - 1974) and Woody Strode (THE
FINAL EXECUTIONER
- 1983; JUNGLE WARRIORS - 1983)
are given secondary roles (although Silva does manage to stand-out in
his scenes and his death is memorable) and it's plain to see that
this is Mario Adorf's film all the way. This film was released
theatrically by American International Pictures under the title THE
ITALIAN CONNECTION in slightly edited form and was marketed
as a blaxploitation film (!) under the title BLACK KINGPIN,
prominently displaying Woody Strode's mug on the posters. Under any
title (which also includes HITMEN,
HIRED TO KILL and MAFIA
BOSS), this is a worthwhile film to add to your collection.
Also starring Femi Benussi, Gianni Macchia, Peter Berling, Francesca
Romana Coluzzi and Cyril Cusack as Corso, the bowtie-wearing N.Y.
mobster who hires the hitmen. Italian distributor Raro
Video offers a beautiful widescreen print on DVD in both
original Italian and English-dubbed versions under the original title LA
MALA ORDINA. Originally released on VHS in the U.S. by Media
Home Entertainment. Also available as part of Raro Video's FERNANDO
DI LEO CRIME COLLECTION VOL. 1 Box Set. Not Rated.
THE
MEAN MACHINE (1973)
- Back in 1979, I (and countless others) was duped into seeing what I thought
was a new horror film called THE
CAULDRON OF DEATH.
What I actually saw was a retitled Spanish-Italian crime thriller
called THE
MEAN MACHINE.
I was so upset that I never gave this film (nor Film Ventures
International, the distributor) the chance to stand on its own
merits. I still havent forgiven Film Ventures, but I decided to
view this film again on its own merits. I am now a much smarter
consumer and should have no one to blame but myself. This is an
extremely violent actioner that is severely compromised by the
presence of Chris Mitchum. His non-acting style (trying to emulate
his father with no success) brings this film down several notches,
marring an otherwise bloody good time. Mitchum stars as Rico Aversi,
a recently paroled con who returns to his hometown to seek revenge
for the brutal murder of his mobster father (seen getting his brains
blown out in gory close-up at the beginning of the film). The object
of Ricos revenge is Don Vito (an excellent Arthur Kennedy, who
never achieved the recognition he deserved), a local mobster who took
over Ricos family business. Don Vito has a very nasty way of
disposing of his enemies: He has them thrown into a vat of caustic
acid that he has in his soap factory. He then turns them into bars of
soap that he uses for his drug running operation (heroin hidden
inside the bars). Rico begins to make life miserable for Don Vito. He
breaks into Vitos house and makes contact with his old
girlfriend Rosa (the terminally naked Melisa Longo), who is now Don
Vitos mistress. She agrees to help Rico bring Vito down. Rico
then steals a shipment of Vitos diamonds and disrupts his drug
running business. A very pissed-off Don Vito begins to clean house.
When he catches Rosa making love with one of his thugs, he castrates
the thug and throws him and Rosa into the vat. He also sends his
henchmen out to brutally gun down Ricos sister and
brother-in-law (in bed making love) as well as his wheelchair-ridden
mother. It all ends in a bloody shoot-out in an abandoned junkyard
where there are no happy endings. Chris Mitchum leaves a lot to be
desired as an actor (He really didn't hit his stride until the string
of films he did in the Philippines and Indonesia, such as AMERICAN
COMMANDOS [1984]
and FINAL SCORE [1986]). The script
calls for an anti-hero that can show emotion and he does not fit the
bill. When his family is brutally murdered at the end of the film, he
merely acts morose as if he does not care. It ruins the effect of the
revenge plot. Mitchums presence aside, this film still has a
lot to offer exploitation fans. It has wall-to-wall nudity (supplied
by the aforementioned Longo and Barbara Bouchet as Ricos new
girlfriend), plenty of gunplay and some nasty bits of gore. One such
scene is the castration I mentioned earlier. While you do not see the
actual castration (a Venezuelan bootleg edition purportedly shows the
entire act!), if you freeze frame just before he is thrown into the
vat you can see the gory aftermath. It is not a pretty sight. Film
Ventures decided to play up these sequences involving the vat, giving
it the moniker THE
CAULDRON OF DEATH
(see ad mat right) and advertising it as an out-and-out horror film
(those deceiving bastards!). They used the same type of campaign in
advertising Umberto Lenzis crime thriller ALMOST
HUMAN
(1974 - a.k.a. THE
KIDNAPPING OF MARY LOU,
see review above) the same year!
Director Tulio Demicheli shows a deft hand at handling the action
sequences where he piles on the exploding squibs and other bloody
goings-on. He should have thought about another leading actor though
(How about Tomas Milian? He would have been great in this role.).
Demicheli also directed the weird and not-so- wonderful ASSIGNMENT
TERROR
(1969 - a.k.a. DRACULA
VS. FRANKENSTEIN),
SON
OF CAPTAIN BLOOD
(1962) and many others. The real star of THE
MEAN MACHINE
is Arthur Kennedy, a top notch actor who revels in his role as Don
Vito. With his greased-back hair and thin moustache, he is thoroughly
enjoying his role as the head sleazebag. During the 60s &
70s Kennedy appeared in many Italian films, including A
MINUTE TO PRAY, A SECOND TO DIE
(1967), BREAKFAST
AT THE MANCHESTER MORGUE
(1974), THE
TEMPTER
(1974), THE
HUMANOID
(1979) and countless others. Although he was nominated for the
Academy Award no less than four times during the 50s, he was
mainly underutilized during the latter part of his career in the US.
Thats a crying shame. THE
MEAN MACHINE
is strictly Kennedys show and we can thank the Italians for
using him to his best advantage. This film is also available on
cassette under the title RICO.
Beware of this version as it is severely edited, deleting all the
gore scenes and most of the nudity. Montereys
edition is now out of print, so search for it! Available from Alpha
Video on VHS under the title GANGLAND.
I have no idea what condition this version is in. Rated
R.
UPDATE: Now available on DVD from Dark
Sky Films in a beautiful Unrated widescreen print under the
title RICCO THE MEAN MACHINE.
Wait until you see the castration scene in all of it's unedited glory!
MERCHANT
OF EVIL (1991) - Low budget
crap starring William Smith (GRAVE
OF THE VAMPIRE - 1972) as Victor Fortunetti (any similarity
between this and Smith's character "Falconetti" in the 1976
TV miniseries RICH MAN, POOR MAN
is purely on purpose), an eyepatch-wearing white slaver who kidnaps
young women and turns them into unwilling prostitutes (He tells
a bunch of new female kidnapees, "From now on, when I come into
this room, you will stand up unless you are on your knees servicing a
customer!"). Victor's partner-in-crime, Doug Masters (James
Pfeiffer), kidnaps girls from around the world while pretending to be
a fashion buyer for an Asian company and brings his girls to Victor's
strip club in Hong Kong, where Victor rapes and abuses them before
turning them into strippers and whores. Doug's latest kidnap victim
is the naïve Vanessa Henning (Dawn Denoon), a Vancouver tourist
vacationing in San Francisco. Doug hits on Vanessa at a restaurant
and after making a phone call to her concerned sister Erica (Tracey
Hughes) back in Vancouver, Vanessa is touring Doug's clothing
warehouse and drinking drugged champagne, eventually ending up a
prisoner in a locked room with
a bunch of other female captives. When Erica doesn't hear from her
sister for three days, she flies to San Francisco and hires private
investigator Mike Penny (Steve Viall) to find Vanessa when the police
refuse to help. After some pretty quick (and utterly convenient)
detective work, Mike and Erica end up at Doug's warehouse, where
Erica finds one of Vanessa's earrings before her and Mike's cover are
blown and they are forced to flee. Doug, his equally evil wife Sue
(Susan Mannion) and even more evil assistant Frank (George A. Bryant)
know it's only a matter of time before the police raid the warehouse,
so they drug Vanessa and the other captive girls, place them in
wooden crates and drive them to the airport, where Victor is arriving
to pick them up in his personal jet. Mike and Erica follow them to
the airport, where Vanessa escapes from her crate, but is shot in the
neck by Sue when she tries to escape with sister Erica and Mike.
Victor escapes in his jet (without his new supply of girls), while
Doug, Sue and Frank are chased by the cops. Frank is killed in a
shootout and Sue is captured, but Doug escapes by stealing a plane
and having Victor pick him up at the next airport. Vanessa is rushed
to the hospital and survives her wounds, while Victor and Frank fly
back to Hong Kong, only to learn that rival Chan (Steve Sasaki) has
taken over Victor's strip club. While Victor plots his revenge
against Chan, Doug travels back to San Francisco, puts on a disguise
and rescues Sue during her trial (He kills the judge and all of the
court officers in a hail of gunfire), with Mike and Erica in
attendance. Erica ends up shooting Sue in the back in the court's
parking lot, killing her, with Doug vowing revenge. The finale finds
Doug trying to exact that revenge (and failing miserably), while the
explosives-loving Victor (who, throughout the film, shows his
proclivity for blowing up things buy remote control) gets his
comeuppance at the hands of Chan. This mediocre actioner,
directed/produced by Scott Pfeiffer (FIRE
FIGHT - 1988) and written by Pfeiffer and Marie Ann
Whitaker, isn't helped by the fact that the usually dependable Big
Bill Smith looks bored throughout (At one point he's sound asleep
while the sound of gunfire is heard on the soundtrack!) and mumbles
most of his lines until much of his dialogue is unintelligible (The
live sound recording doesn't help, either, as the further the actors
are away from the microphones, the harder it is to hear what they are
saying, thanks to background noise and no post-production looping).
The violence is also tame considering the subject matter (the
bloodiest it gets is when Erica shoots Sue in the back in the film's
slow-motion Peckinpah rip-off) and there's not much nudity as you
would expect (there is some naked flesh on view, but even Victor's
strippers are fully clothed!). Factor in that most of the acting is
below average (only James Pfeiffer, director Scott's brother, makes
an impression as the relentless Doug) and the characters merely
cardboard cut-outs (not to mention that Mike is one of the most inept
and luckiest private dicks I have ever seen), which makes MERCHANT
OF EVIL a less-than B-grade action film (even the car chases seem
like they were filmed in slow motion) that can only be recommended
for those rabid William Smith fans that must see every film he has
appeared in. You know who you are (Yeah, I'm one of them!). Also
starring Jerry Neale, Deborah Furlan and Jude Gerard. Distributed on
VHS by San Rafael Home Video, which was a short-lived offshoot of Unicorn
Video. Not available on DVD. Not Rated.
MISSION:
KILLFAST (1982/1991) - Here's
a little-seen actioner from director/producer/co-scripter Ted V.
Mikels that was started in 1982, but wasn't completed until 1991 due
to financial problems (and it shows). Someone steals two nuclear
detonators from a U.S. military base, so the government pulls ex-CIA
operative Tiger Yang (played appropriately by...Tiger Yang) out of
mothballs to retrieve them (he now runs a chain of successful martial
arts schools). The bad guys catch wind that Tiger is on their trail,
so they decide to strike first and assassinate him like President
Kennedy as he rides in a convertible while acting as Grand Marshall
of one of the most anemic parades in film history (a mixture of stock
parade footage combined with new footage of Tiger sitting in a car
with a cheap-ass handwritten "Tiger Yang Grand Marshall"
sign attached to the door). Before you can say "second shooter
in the grassy knoll", Tiger's CIA associates stop the
assassination attempt, but pay for it with their lives. Meanwhile, a
ruthless businessman named Murak (Sonny King) plans on using the
stolen detonators to create
his own nuclear bombs, so Tiger and several of his black belt
students intercept the shipment and a fight breaks out (using some of
the most exaggerated sound effects you will ever hear this side of a
dubbed 70's Hong Kong kung fu flick). Murak feels that there is a
snitch in his midst (and rightfully so) and, thinking that model
Chantelle (played by Shanti, a.k.a. Wendy O. Altamura) is the
perpetrator, has her shot in the head while she's modeling a bikini
in a desert photo shoot. Tiger's next assignment is to destroy the
base of a paramilitary terrorist group that is building up a supply
of powerful weapons (What does this have to do with the rest of the
film? I don't know, but I'm sure it has something to do with the
troubled production history.). Tiger joins forces with Catt (Sharon
Hughes), whose father was murdered by the bad guys, to stop the
terrorist group. This somehow involves Catt going undercover as a
model at an agency run by Shannon (Kyle E. Cranston). Catt is raped
by a crooked cop (who has more hair on his body than an ape), but
comes up with valuable information which could break the case (Which
case is it now? I'm confused!). When someone stabs Catt to death with
a hunting knife, Tiger shifts into shogun mode to get revenge on all
the bad guys. The first thing you'll notice about this flick is
the piecemeal feel and look of the entire production. It jumps from
one scene to the next without any connective tissue, like it's coming
directly from the fragmented mind of an institutionalized
schizophrenic. This only adds to the film's charms, because it
eventually becomes a game for viewers, as you try to spot the footage
shot in 1982 and the footage shot nearly a decade later. It's not
that hard to do because the film stock is noticeably different
between the two time frames, as are the fashions on view. It's
obvious that Mikels was trying to make Tiger Yang (who sports a
Charles Bronson-like moustache that changes in thickness from
scene-to-scene) his own personal Bruce Lee, but Tiger has the
charisma and English language skills of a tree branch and Mikels has
no idea how to frame a martial arts fight. This film also contains a
lot of Mikels' signature traits, including overuse of stock footage;
stock sound effects (whenever a moving car is shown, we hear the
sound of squealing tires, even if they are traveling in a straight
line or on a dirt road); threadbare sets; MOS sound (one scene shows
two guys talking by a lake filled with quacking ducks and it becomes
a chore making out what the guys are saying over the din of the
ducks!); amateur acting; a smattering of blood; and a couple of
scenes of female nudity, including a girl with the skinniest (not
small, just skinny), perkiest breasts I have ever had the pleasure to
view. Mikels (the director of such fare as THE
ASTRO ZOMBIES [1968] and THE
CORPSE GRINDERS [1971]) appears briefly as a terrorist in
footage shot in 1982. No bones about it, this is a terrible film that
makes no sense at all (people appear and then disappear, never to be
heard from again, as their story lines are simply dropped in hopes we
don't notice), but it's the film's innate terribleness that makes it
so watchable. Be prepared, though, because this is a loooong 97
minutes. Originally titled OMEGA
ASSASSINS and filmed in Reno and Las Vegas. Also starring
Myron Natwick, Ronald Gregg, Rex Ravelle, Chuck Alford, Harry Pugh,
Ron Ewart, Robert Legionaire, Behrouz, Perry Genovese and Jewel
Shepard as Miss August. This can be purchased directly from Mr.
Mikel's web site: www.tedvmikels.com.
Not Rated.
MOVIE
IN ACTION (1987) - When it came
to Filipino action films, it was hard to beat the teaming of late
director Teddy Page (here using the name "Ted Johnson") and
(usually) uncredited producer K.Y. Lim and his Silver Star Film
Company production outfit. MOVIE IN ACTION opens with a heated
battle between guys in military gear and Asian bad guys in Thailand,
only to be revealed to be nothing but a low-budget film shoot a few
minutes later. As they set up their next camera shot, we get to meet
the film crew, which includes Frank (Bo Svenson; DEADLY
IMPACT - 1984), the director; Billy (Mike Monty; JUST
A DAMNED SOLDIER - 1988), the producer; Brian (Jim Gaines; JUNGLE
RATS - 1987), the soundman; Keith (David Brass; THE
TOMB - 2004), the cameraman; Lee (Liza Hutton), the make-up
girl; Robert (Robert Mason; WAR
WITHOUT END - 1986), the special effects technician; Mike
(Don Holden), the lead actor; and Susan (Chantal Mansfield), the
prima-donna lead actress. As they roll for their next scene, things
take a turn for the worse when a group of real-life rebels kidnap
Susan and shoot-up the film set with real bullets, hitting Frank in
the leg. The movie is immediately shut down and Frank and Billy go to
the American Embassy for
help. When the Embassy and the Thai government offer little help in
rescuing Susan, Frank and his team of filmmakers spring into action
to rescue Susan on their own. Since Susan was wearing a wireless body
microphone when she was kidnapped, the crew is able to track her
location after stealing a signal-enhancing device from a military
outpost (using one of Robert's remote control cars as a decoy to
distract the guards). While Frank is unable to go with them because
of his injured leg and Billy mysteriously giving them only 72 hours
before he pulls the plug, the rest of the ragtag gang (they call
themselves "Movie Warriors") illegally enter Cambodia and
each uses their separate talents to get closer to their goal of
rescuing Susan. Attention-whore Billy (ever know a producer who isn't
one?) may blow the whole enterprise when he holds daily press
conferences to report on the Movie Warriors' progress. After many
close calls, the Movie Warriors reach their objective and save Susan,
only to discover Billy is the brains behind the kidnapping as a way
to collect insurance money on a film he didn't want completed. Just
when things look dire for the Movie Warriors, Franks shows up and
saves the day. Luckily, Keith recorded everything on-camera and the
film turns into a giant hit. Next up: Maybe a film in Afghanistan as
a favor to President Reagan! Though light as a feather when it
comes to common sense (You mean to tell me that not one of the bad
guys bothered to frisk Susan? And how long does the battery on a body
mike last anyway?), MOVIE IN ACTION (also known as WARTIME)
delivers the goods when it comes to violence and pyrotechnics. Lots
of objects explode (including a booby-trapped dummy Robert rigs to
explode when a bad guy kicks it) and gunfights ensue as the film
progresses, as each member of the team puts their film knowledge to
real-life use (Combat trained Mike and special effects tech Robert
get the biggest workouts here). It's hilarious watching the usually
tough Jim Gaines play such a timid, gay character here, as Brian is
such a scaredy cat, he is literally ordered by Mike (who channels his
film's macho character) to join the team (Brian does have a redeeming
moment in the finale, though). There are some inventive gags (Lee
covering everyone in stage blood to make them look dead to the enemy;
turning a Jeep into an ox-driven hay cart; the team sporting rubber
horror masks to scare a local villager so they can steal his buffalo
cart), but this is mostly a humorous (if violent) tale about people
banding together for the common good. Nobody really likes Susan, but
as Frank says in the beginning of the film, "We all came here
together and we'll all leave together!" Not such a bad
philosophy to have, is it? Director Teddy Page (BLOOD
DEBTS - 1983; NINJA'S
FORCE - 1984; PHANTOM SOLDIERS
- 1987; and many others), working with a script by actor Robert
Marius (COP GAME - 1988; ALIEN
FROM THE DEEP - 1989), keeps the tone light, as all the
major characters survive (even Billy, who gets a proper comeuppance
in the finale) and the deaths only come at the expense of the
faceless hordes of bad guys and one jerk (played by Anthony Young)
who clearly has the hots for Susan. Not as frantic as Page's full-on
action flicks, but a pleasant diversion nonetheless. Also starring
Peter King, Michael Walter, Frank Nicholson and Anne Joseph. Never
legitimately available on home video in the U.S. in any format; the
print I viewed was sourced from a fullscreen Dutch-subtitled VHS
tape. Not Rated.
THE
MURDER GANG (1976) - Every
once in a while a film comes along that shows a style and
craftmanship that completely changes the viewer's expectations of
that particular genre. NIGHT
OF THE LIVING DEAD
(1968) and THE
EXORCIST
(1973) forever
changed the way we looked at horror films and BONNIE
AND CLYDE
(1967) and THE
GODFATHER
(1972) did the same thing for gangster epics. Unfortunately, THE
MURDER GANG
is not one of those films. It's a bottom of the barrel crime meller
from the late Al Adamson, the low budget auteur responsible for such
action exploitation trash as MEAN MOTHER (1973),
DYNAMITE BROTHERS
(1974) and BLACK SAMURAI
(1977) that littered the video store shelves. THE
MURDER GANG
is filled with shootings, stabbings, car crashes, impalements,
dismemberment, nudity, lesbianism and even a fairly graphic gang
rape, yet it still puts the viewer into a deep coma as it is filmed
in such a lazy, lackadaisical manner that the entire proceedings seem
boring. The film's thin storyline is about a gang of crooks (led by a
coked-out looking Russ Tamblyn and black actor J.C. Wells, who
portrays a character named "Guido"!) whom blackmail a
gambling-addicted girl (Jana Bellan) into giving them the route of a
money-carrying messenger who works at her stock brokerage firm. They
plan to rob the messenger, use the money to buy automatic weapons and
trade those weapons for drugs from some unnamed Latin American
country. Got it? What the gang didn't count on is being dogged by a
cop (Timothy Brown) who is out for revenge for the killing of his
partner by Tamblyn's hands. The film has many gaffes: The sound
of tires screeching and squealing on a dirt road, flubbed lines,
visible boom mikes and Regina Carrol's hilarious portrayal of a
lounge singer whose lips rarely match the lyrics she is crooning.
There is also some wild 70's fashions on view as the men walk around
in bell bottom pants and the women are either in bikinis, evening
gowns or pantsuits that were all the rage in that time period. A
subplot involving Brown and a lady TV reporter goes nowhere and is
just an excuse to show them in bed making love. The entire film is
shot in a series of long takes (some of them seeming to go on
forever) that will tax even the most patient viewers. They don't get
much worse than this and the only reason you can have for watching it
(besides being under the influence of a controlled substance) is for
the unintentional humor. Like most of Adamson's films it is known
under a myriad of titles, including BLACK
HEAT,
GIRLS' HOTEL
and U.S.
VICE.
This is not quality entertainment under any title. A Super
Video Release. Rated
R.
MY
BOYS ARE GOOD BOYS (1977) -
Repeat juvenile offender Tommy Morton (Sean T. Roche) is upset at his
father Bert (executive producer Ralph Meeker; THE
ALPHA INCIDENT - 1978) and uber-religious mother (Ida
Lupino; FOOD OF
THE GODS - 1976; also starring Meeker) for letting him get
sentenced to a youth detention work camp after being caught robbing a
store and stealing a car. Tommy enacts his revenge by breaking out of
juvie with two other escapees, Pokey (Ron Anthony) and bumbling fatso
Chunkie (Robert Cokjlat), as well as girlfriend on the outside,
Priscilla (Kerry Lynn), and robbing the armored car driven by Bert
(An overly complicated and convenient caper involving canisters of
knockout gas. Where in the hell do kids get canisters of knockout
gas?). Things immediately go sideways when Tommy discovers that they
robbed the armor car a little too soon, as they haven't picked up
money from any of the businesses yet, so Tommy comes up with a new
plan: He takes Bert and the other two guards hostage and makes them
complete their pick-ups (Tommy and the rest of his gang wear ski
masks so no one can see their faces). Trouble ensues when Bert falls
behind schedule of his pick-ups and incurs the
wrath of his uptight boss, Mr. Mountgomery (Lloyd Nolan), who
dislikes Bert and follows behind the armored car with his beefy
bodyguard. This leads to a laughable car chase (Old lady with
shopping cart crossing the street? Check. Parked car opening door
just as car is whizzing by? Check. Driving the wrong way on a one-way
street? Check.), where Mountgomery's car crashes through a florist
shop (Well, at least it wasn't a fruits and vegetable stand!),
allowing the armored car to escape. Tommy and the gang knock-out Bert
and the guards with the gas again and return to the youth detention
center undetected, leaving the money with Priscilla. Back at the
police station, Bert is unable to identify the robbers and slugs a
detective when he insinuates that he was in on the robbery.
Mountgomery fires Bert from his job and tails him, but he eventually
helps Bert in investigating who the robbers really are (All Bert can
recall is that the leader of the gang's voice sounded familiar.
Hmmmmmm......). When Bert visits Tommy at the center, he finally puts
two-and-two together and reports his son's involvement to
Mountgomery, who goes to the facility and begins breaking down the
alibi's of Tommy and his friends (It's the film's best-written
section). The finale reveals that you should trust no one when it
comes to large sums of money. This tame thriller, directed by
Bethel Buckalew, who is best remembered for his string of
"hicksploitation" flicks, including COUNTRY
CUZZINS (1970), TOBACCO ROODY
(1970), MIDNIGHT PLOWBOY
(1973) and SOUTHERN COMFORTS
(1971), amongst others, and co-written by Buckalew and Colleen Meeker
(Ralph's young wife), has a few action sequences, but is mostly a
dull drama about parent/child relationships. To say that this drama
is heavy-handed and unrealistic is a total understatement. Not only
is Tommy's relationship with Bert one of the bitterest father/son
dynamics on record, the husband/wife rapport between Meeker (a long
way from KISS ME DEADLY
- 1955) and Lupino (who retired from filmmaking after appearing in
this) is one of the most hateful and acerbic marriages I have ever
seen. As a matter of fact, the only character in this film that
remotely has anything close to a human soul is kindly reformatory
guard Harry (David Doyle, "Bosley" from TV's CHARLIE'S
ANGELS [1976 - 1981]), but he is also unmasked as a murderer
when he is interrogated by Mountgomery (In all fairness to Harry, he
murdered his abusive father when he was a teen, which now makes him
protective of "my boys" in the reformatory). You would
think that all this unpleasantness would make for good drama, but
Buckalew plays everything here squeaky clean. There is nary a profane
word spoken or a drop of blood spilled, which made this perfect TV
fodder, where it played in heavy rotation during the late 70's and
early 80's. To Buckalew's credit, he does try to throw in a surprise
ending (where character actor John Goff [PISTOL-PACKIN'
LEROY
- 1973; who is also the Assistant Director here] plays an important
role), but it's a case of too little way too late. This has to be the
most sanitary film about a cast of unsavory and back-stabbing people
in celluloid history. Even Mr. Rogers would find this hard to
swallow. It also contains one of the worst music soundtracks
(including a horrendous Country-tinged title song) that my ears ever
had the displeasure of hearing. This was originally released on VHS
by Magnum Entertainment
and has now fallen into the public domain. It is available on DVD
from Mill Creek Entertainment as part of their ACTION
CLASSICS 50 MOVIE PACK. Rated PG.
NO
CONTEST (1994) -
Excellent actioner that is short on logic but long on thrills. Andrew
Dice Clay (!) and his well-armed gang (including Roddy Piper in a
rare bad-guy role) invade the Ms. Galaxy beauty
pageant and take the finalists hostage (Clay shoots the winner, Ms.
France, in the head to prove he means business). Clay demands ten
million dollars from the father of Ms. USA for the release of the
hostages. What Clay doesnt count on is the constant
interference of a fading martial arts film actress (Shannon Tweed,
the eternal companion [and eventual wife] of KISS bandmate Gene
Simmons), the MC of the pageant, and the bodyguard (the always
entertaining Robert Davi) hired to protect Ms. USA. Clay (billed here
as Andrew Clay) shows a deft hand in his role of a killer
without a conscience, willing to sacrifice the hostages and his own
men to get the ten million. I never liked Clay as an actor, but I
must admit that he is quite good here in a role that should have
bolstered his flagging career. Roddy Piper, in a supporting role, is
very menacing as the nearly indestructable Ice, who takes licking
after licking but keeps coming back for more. Filled with excellent
action and fighting scenes, including exploding bracelets and
countless gunfights that are well staged, this film also has
relentless tension that never lets up. This is a sure winner in a
field full of losers, due in a large part to the atypical casting and
the feeling that everyone in front and behind the cameras wanted to
turn out something good. They did. Co-starring Nicholas Campbell (NAKED
LUNCH
- 1991). Directed with a firm hand by Paul Lynch (PROM
NIGHT
- 1980; BULLIES
- 1986). It premiered on HBO and is available on Columbia Tristar
Home Video. Films like this are the main reason why I pay my cable
bill. Also known as RUNNING
OUT: COUNTDOWN TO DEATH. A sequel was made, NO CONTEST
II: ACCESS DENIED - 1996), with Shannon Tweed playing the same
character as in the first film and Paul Lynch returning as the
director, but the film title was changed to FACE
THE EVIL. It's a pale imitation of the first film. Rated
R.
NO
SAFE HAVEN (1987) - This is a
badly cobbled-together action film with a few redeeming sequences,
but since it was directed by a stuntman, it is very light on the
stunts. The movie opens with a sequence that really has nothing to do
with the rest of the film (except to show the meanness of Manuel,
played by Branscombe Richmond; CAGE -
1989), as we watch Manuel sitting in a car waiting for some unknown
man to leave a restaurant with his girlfriend. Manuel starts shooting
a machine gun, where the unknown man uses his girlfriend as a shield
(she gets riddled with bullets) and after he jumps on the hood of a
car and then is thrown through the windshield of another car, he
steals that car (!), with Manuel still firing his gun and mowing down
innocent bystanders. The unknown man then steals a cement mixer truck
(!!) and drives it on the street with Manuel and his driver following
close by, still firing his machine gun (the film is sped up to make
it look like it is a high-speed chase, but if you look closely, you
can see people on the street walking in fast-motion!). The chase ends
when the cement mixer hits a
city bus full of innocent people and the bus and truck both blow up,
killing everyone. (This is the only stunt-filled scene until the last
30 minutes of the film and it is so sloppily filmed, it loses any
excitement it should have had). In the next scene we see professional
football quaterback Buddy Harris (Tom Campitelli) meeting Manuel and
discussing Buddy moving a brick of cocaine to the next town he is
playing in. Manuel also wants Buddy to throw the game and lose by at
least ten points. After delivering to cocaine to a female child who
comes to his hotel door, Buddy grows a conscience and decides he is
not going to throw the game. He purposely breaks his arm in his
hotel's bathroom so he is not able to play. When his team wins in
double overtime, it pisses off Manuel's drug cartel boss, Carlos
(Robert Ahola), who sends Manuel and some goons to Buddy's house,
where they shoot Buddy's mother dead (the scene has some effect
since, when the mother slides down the bloodstained refrigerator, we
actually see a bullet hole in the refrigerator door, something most
low-budget films like this tend to leave out) and eventually shoot
and kill Buddy and his younger brother. Cut to the Honduras, where
Clete Harris (Wings Hauser; VICE SQUAD
- 1982; DEAD MAN WALKING
- 1987; THE ART OF DYING
- 1991), the older brother of Buddy, is working for The Peace Corps
(he's actually an undercover American agent passing info he hears to
our government). After making fun of his female counterpart Roberta's
(Nancy Locke, who was the real-life wife of Hauser at the time and
they both co-wrote the screenplay together) hairy armpits by showing
her a disposable razor and then mentioning deodorant, Clete learns of
his entire family's slaughter and heads back to the U.S. Yes, he is
now on a mission of revenge. Eventually (and I mean eventually, as it
seems to take forever), he hooks-up with Randy (Robert Tessier; NIGHTWISH
- 1988; in a larger than usual role), a mercenary who lives in a
plane graveyard with a young boy (who can strip and clean the most
complex of weapons!) and loves to blow things up, as he happily shows
Clete on several occasions. Clete doesn't want such powerful weapons
and decides to use a regular sidearm and a speedboat to get his
revenge on Manuel and his goons. He gets Manuel to follow him in
their speedboat and they do not see the explosives that Clete has put
in the water (I guess he really did want some powerful weapons after
all, one of the many unexplainable events in this film), blowing up
Manuel's boat, but when Manuel escapes the explosion, Clete runs him
over with his boat and watches Manuel sink to the bottom. He then
decides to go to South America to get revenge on Carlos, but he needs
help, something that Randy is glad to help with. After some comical
banter between the two about whether Randy knows how to fly a
helicopter (he does), Clete parachutes next to Carlos' compound and
sets timed explosives around the compound before beginning to
weed-out Carlos' goons. It ends with Carlos (who is duped into
letting Clete into the house when he displays the garrotted
decapitated head of Carlos' goon through the front door's peephole!)
being pulled up to the helicopter by Randy by way of a harness and a
well-placed hook (Randy begins to blow the hell out of the compound
with more rockets and machine gun fire than one helicopter could
possibly hold!), along with Clete on the ground shooting his way
through Carlos's massive goon squad while the timed explosives go
off. Randy picks up Clete (he jumps from a roof onto one of the
copter's landing gear) and they take off into the wild blue yonder
and drop Carlos off the helicopter without a parachute. THE END. It's
no wonder that this was Ronnie Rondell Jr.'s only directorial effort
because it is a disjointed film that contains scenes that make no
sense (like Clete screwing a girl in the back of a car as soon as he
gets home). Rondell is a supreme stuntman, but as a director, he
makes a good stuntman. The fault can't lie directly on his shoulders,
though, as Hauser and Locke's screenplay (they divorced in 1999)
doesn't make very much sense and a lot of the film is full of
nonsense dialogue that would even make a baby cringe (They also try
to throw in some social relevance into the film, like why Randy's
young boy doesn't go to school, but it falls flatter than a piece of
drywall). I am a big fan of Hauser (even though it seems his son Cole
Hauser has taken over the acting mantle, appearing in such films as 2
FAST 2 FURIOUS - 2003; THE
CAVE - 2005; THE HIT LIST
- 2011; and many more) and I still see him in an occasional acting
role today (the cult item RUBBER
- 2010 and plenty of TV series appearances like CSI:
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION - 2013), but NO
SAFE HAVEN can be considered one of the minor films on his
resumé. It's too slow to be an action film, takes too long to
be a revenge film and lacks suspense to be a thriller. It just is,
and that's about the best thing I can say about it. Also starring
Marina Rice, Harvey Martin, Evelyn Moore, Chris Douridas and Gil
Glasgow. A Forum
Home Video VHS Release. Rated R.
NO
TIME TO DIE (1985) - The same year
they appeared in Bobby A. Suarez's AMERICAN
COMMANDOS, John Phillip Law and Christopher Mitchum
co-starred in this West German/Indonesian co-production, originally
made for German TV. Law stars as ladies man (and former diamond
smuggler) Ted Barner, who shows an interest in World News Agency
reporter Judy Staufer (Grazyna Dylong), who is in Jakarta to
investigate rumors of a new laser cannon being developed by huge
conglomerate Multi Industrial Corporation. Also in town is Mr. Gull
(Mitchum), the head of MIC's rival corporation. He hires Handoko
(Advent Bangun of THE BLIND WARRIOR
- 1985) and Jan Van Cleef (Francis Glutton) to steal the laser
cannon. Ted cons Judy into believing that he works for MIC, but
little does he know that his lies and bullshit will get him involved
with the rivalry between Mr. Gull and MIC, especially since Van Cleef
is Ted's old diamond smuggling partner who Ted left holding the bag
in South Africa. Somehow, Ted gets a job with MIC driving the truck
on the long journey to it's testing ground: a mine in the Indonesian
mountains. Judy finds out about Ted's new job and plays Van Cleef
against Ted to get her story. As Ted, MIC security chief Ratno
"Pat" Lesmana (Barry Prima of THE
WARRIOR - 1981) and MIC scientist Martin Forster (Horst
Janson of CAPTAIN
KRONOS: VAMPIRE HUNTER - 1974) drive the truck with the laser
cannon to it's destination (They smoke a joint and drink booze in the
truck's cabin, where Pat says, "A joint in the morning and the
day is your friend!"), Handoko, Van Cleef and a bunch of paid
muscle try their their best to hijack the truck, but a combination of
Ted's driving skill, Martin's quick-thinking and Pat's derring-do
foil several attempts. When Judy joins them (She has a helicopter
drop her in the middle of the road while she rides a rope ladder!),
things take a turn for the worse. Pat is shot dead and Ted gets a
radio message that he's got to pick up the pace because the mine has
just had a cave-in and they need the laser cannon to save the miners
trapped below. And, oh yeah, one of the trapped miners is Martin's
brother (c'mon now!). As air for for the miners runs low, Ted, Martin
and Judy must traverse a section of road full of land mines and a
final assault by Van Cleef and his men. They arrive at the mine in
the nick of time and everyone (besides Van Cleef and his men) live
happily ever after. Compared to most Indonesian action flicks, NO
TIME TO DIE is rather routine and slow-moving. This is
probably due to the fact that this was directed by a German (Helmuth
Ashley, who also directed PUZZLE
[SECRET] OF THE RED ORCHID
- 1961) rather than local talent and it suffers because of it. There
are plenty of action scenes (including a homage to WAGES
OF FEAR [1953], where Ted has to drive the truck over a
rickety bamboo bridge), but they lack the verve and the craziness
we've come to expect from this section of the Far East. The closest
this film comes to that craziness is the opening scene where Ted
spots the beautiful Judy in her Jeep, he gets instantly horny and he
chases her on his motorcycle, driving up on sidewalks, through an
outdoor cafe and generally ignoring anyone's safety until, finally,
he forces Judy to crash her Jeep into the front of a business, all
because he wanted to get laid! John Phillip Law looks like he is
having fun here (he's usually stiff as a hard-on in a whorehouse),
which is one of the film's saving graces. The other saving grace is
the scene where Van Cleef accidentally runs over one of his own men
in his Jeep and when Ted, Martin and Judy witness it, they all have a
good laugh after Martin says, "He should have taken the
train!" That's just what this film needed more of but,
unfortunately, it doesn't, so it's somewhat of a disappointment. It's
not awful, it's just that I expected more than what the final product
delivered. Christopher Mitchum, who would reach dizzying new heights
(literally) in director Arizal's crazy action flick FINAL
SCORE the next year, has nothing but an extended cameo here
(he gets a "Special Guest Star" billing). Also starring
Eric Moss, Eddy Wardy, I.M. Damsyik and Dicky Zulkarnaen. A Trans
World Entertainment Home Video Release (I love the way they
pump-up Mitchum's muscles on the VHS box's cover. It has nothing
whatsoever to do with the film.). Not Rated.
OFFICIAL
EXTERMINATOR 4: GODDESS MISSION
(1988) - Welcome to the cut-and-paste world of director Godfrey
Ho (here credited as "Joel Law") and producer Joseph Lai
(for his IFD Films & Arts Ltd. production company), where nothing
makes a lick of sense, but, holy cow, it sure is entertaining. The
film opens (this is the fourth of five OFFICIAL
EXTERMINATOR films, none of them related in any way), as
most of these pastiche films do, with a bit of newly-shot footage,
where crime kingpin Curtis (Mike Abbott; LETHAL
HUNTER - 1988) and his men beat the shit out of and kill
Albert, an undercover cop who (not so successfully) infiltrated their
ranks. It then segues into the film proper, an unreleased Hong Kong
action flick where we watch kidnapped girl Cindy (Fonda Lynn; DEADLY
DARLING - 1985) being raped by one of her kidnappers. Cindy
and her three male kidnapped friends escape a short time later (Cindy
stabs one of her captors in the stomach), steal a pink station wagon
(!) and end up ditching it when they are chased by the cops (they run
away from the cops because they are in the country illegally and
don't have drivers licenses!). We then switch back to the new
footage, where cop Ken Logan (Mark
Watson, who appeared with Abbott in PLATOON
THE WARRIORS and ANGEL'S
BLOOD MISSION the same year as this) agrees to go undercover
in Curtis' crime syndicate and get even for friend Albert's murder.
Cut back to the old footage, where we watch Cindy shining shoes in a
cleavage-baring outfit, with a bunch of dirty old men waiting in line
for their turn (one horny man watches her through a hole he poked
through a newspaper, right next to a Hagar The Horrible comic
strip!). She is strong-armed by a street gang, who want her to
put-out sexually or pay protection money, but she beats them all to a
pulp with her kung-fu skills. Cindy and her three male friends are
just trying to find a way to survive on the mean streets of Hong Kong
without being caught by the cops and sent back to Mainland China.
They resort to petty theft and pick pocketing, but things take a turn
for the worse when Cindy picks the pockets of the Chief of
Detectives. Feeling guilty about stealing the Chief's wallet, Cindy
sneaks into his home and returns it, but instead of being happy about
getting his wallet back, the Chief orders his men to find Cindy and
her three male friends, no matter what it takes. Meanwhile, Ken has
infiltrated Curtis' organization, has gained Curtis' confidence and
is hired to be a member of his gang. Ken gets into several close
calls where his cover is nearly blown, but he manages to fight or
shoot his way out of them. The Chief and his squad relentlessly
pursue Cindy and her friends, but, time and time again, Cindy
escapes, leaving the Chief red-faced. When Frankie, one of Cindy's
friends, is caught, Cindy and her other two friends, Charles and
Paul, try to rescue him but are double-crossed by hobo Uncle Lee and
are also captured by the Chief. The Chief works out a deal with
Cindy: If she and her friends agree to go undercover and bring down a
crime syndicate in league with Curtis, he will let them live in Hong
Kong as legal citizens. When Cindy discovers that her rapist is part
of the syndicate, she's more than glad to take part. The finale finds
Cindy and her friends achieving their goals and Ken battling to the
death with Curtis in a Hong Kong water canal. This contains all
the normal Ho/Lai trademarks: Hilarious dialogue (script by Ho as
"Benny Ho"); obvious intercutting of old and new footage
(Whenever a phone rings in the old footage, you can bet that someone
in the new footage is on the other end); scenes of rape (Late in the
film, syndicate leader Eagle tries to rape Cindy and when she fights
back, he says, "What's all the fuss? It's not as if you're a
virgin! What's wrong with a little cuddle?"); stolen music cues
(Richard Band's theme from RE-ANIMATOR
[1985] plays predominately in the background during one scene!); and
there's even an appearance by a brightly colored ninja (with one of
those "Ninja" headbands) during one of Ken's fights. GODDESS
MISSION is an entertaining mishmash that also contains a
catfight in a hot tub; a sub-plot about illegal aliens being
purposely abused and shafted by their employers; a couple of good
fight scenes (both in the old and new footage); and Mike Abbott's
steely glare. His eyes are so wide-open in some scenes (especially in
the opening and closing minutes), he looks like he's been on a
week-long coke-fueled binge. I'm a big fan of Mike's, since he's the
only actor I have ever seen that has a gap between both his upper and
lower teeth and still comes off as menacing. Also starring Gary
Carter, Eric Hopper, Angus Grooer, Bernard Tsui, Paul Lam, Dick Chan,
George Ma and William Wang. Never available on home video in the U.S.
(hell, it's not even listed on IMDB),
the version I viewed was sourced from a Greek-subtitled VHS tape. Not
Rated.
OPERATION
NAM (1985) - Pretty good Italian
war actioner that will disturb some viewers with it's anti-American
dialogue and situations. Four Vietnam vets, Richard (Oliver Tobias; BREEDERS
- 1997), Roger (Christopher Connelly; RAIDERS
OF ATLANTIS - 1983), Mark (Manfred Lehmann; CODENAME:
WILDGEESE - 1984) and James (John Steiner; ARK
OF THE SUN GOD - 1983), decide to go back to Vietnam
and rescue American POWs that are still being held ten years after
the war has ended. Since the American government would rather the
public not be aware that there are Americans still being held in
captivity in Vietnam, the foursome enter Vietnam in secrecy and begin
their mission, aided by information supplied to them by their former
commanding officer, Major Morris (Italian genre director Enzo G.
Castellari; HAMMERHEAD
- 1987), who was forced to retire because he wanted the government to
rescue the POWs. Once in Vietnam, our four heroes get help from
Father Lenoir (an extended cameo by Donald Pleasence), a French
priest who has been in Vietnam since the 1950's. He supplies the vets
with automatic weapons and explosives and then leads them on their
first leg of the journey. After helplessly watching a group of
Vietcong soldiers torturing an American POW in a river, the vets
follow the enemy back to their camp, where Richard's Nam flashback
nearly costs everyone their lives. Luckily, they are able to kill all
the guards and rescue a handful of POWs, including Mike (Ethan
Wayne), who tells them that the American government has been fully
aware of their captivity and location for the past ten years, even
sending government officials every year to check up on them, but have
done absolutely nothing in regards to their freedom. Now, our motley
group must make it out of Vietnam in one piece, which won't be easy
because both the Vietnamese and American governments don't want the
POWs to make it back to the States alive. After nearly making it to
safety, the three remaining vets are forced to make a decision that
will save their lives but certainly doom the POWs. In a scene that
will surely surprise most viewers, the trio agrees to the
arrangement, but as the final denouement reveals, the American
government can't be trusted to keep their word. It's one of the
bleakest endings of a war actioner that I have witnessed in quite
some time. Originally filmed as COBRA
MISSION, but changed to OPERATION
NAM for it's U.S. VHS release, this is a pretty heady mix of
bloody war action and political intrigue (especially it's
anti-American slant), which I'm sure would not please Ethan Wayne's
father, John 'Duke' Wayne, if he were still alive at the time of this
film's production. This film has a striking hatred of American
policies and politics and there are some amazing scenes to illustrate
this bias, including a young Vietnamese woman who removes her blouse,
revealing her horribly burned breasts. She says just two words,
"American napalm", before shooting Mark several times in
the stomach with a pistol, killing him. Up until that shocking
moment, the sequence is played as a love scene, where we are led to
believe that Mark and the woman were abo
ut
to have sex. The four vets are also the most unlikely heroes in a
war film. Roger is a slacker who lives off his wife's fortune and has
to be pulled away from playing video games on his TV on the day of
his daughter's wedding. Richard has spent the last ten years in
voluntary committal in a mental institution because he doesn't want
to live in society. Mark is a hothead who only finds satisfaction
when he beats up people who ridicule or put down Vietnam veterans
(There's one scene at a bar where the dialogue is so vitriolic, I
wanted to beat the shit out of the two bar patrons!). James is a
loner who takes odd jobs as he travels from town-to-town, because he
just doesn't know how to relate to people. Director Fabrizio
DeAngelis (DEADLY IMPACT - 1984; MAN
HUNT - 1984; KARATE
WARRIOR - 1987), working with a script supplied by him
(under his frequent pseudonym "Larry Ludman"), A.J. Bleman
and European exploitation staple Erwin C. Dietrich, seems to be
implying that the Vietnam war has permanently damaged not only the
soldiers that fought in it, but also the governments responsible for
it. It's a nihilistic view that is best summed-up by the film's
remarkably downbeat finale, where American Colonel Mortimer (Gordon
Mitchell; BLOOD DELIRIUM
- 1988) rescues the three remaining vets, but makes them leave Mike,
the sole surviving POW, behind to be recaptured by the Vietcong. It's
an image you won't soon forget. The nihilism doesn't end there,
though. We're informed that Roger was killed in an auto
"accident" two weeks after he returned to the States; James
died while piloting a helicopter in Thailand; and the final image is
of Richard back in the mental hospital, only this time it's not of
his own choice. He sits in a wheelchair, obviously in a drugged-out
haze, his eyes showing no signs of humanity. As far as Vietnam war
films go, OPERATION NAM is one of the most grimmest and
hopeless action films you're ever likely to view. Search it out. Just
don't expect to feel good after watching it. An unrelated sequel, COBRA
MISSION 2 (1988), was produced by DeAngelis and directed by
Camillo Teti (as "Mark Davis"; THE
KILLER IS STILL AMONG US - 1986; BROTHERS
IN WAR - 1988). Also starring Thomas Moore, David Light and
Luciano Pigozzi (as "Alan Collins"; TORNADO:
THE LAST BLOOD - 1983). Released on VHS by Imperial
Entertainment Corp. and not available on DVD in the U.S. (there
is an Italian DVD available, though). Also available on a bootleg
10-film DVD compilation called MERCS
from those thieving bastards at VideoAsia. Now available streaming on
Amazon Prime (as COBRA
MISSION). Not Rated due to some extreme violence,
including Richard graphically gunning down the napalm-scarred woman
after she kills Mark.
OPIUM
STRIKE FORCE (1985) - The
Thai government sends a man in undercover to a guerilla compound to
bring down Thailand's biggest drug lord, who supplies opium to most
of the world and buy guns and men with his profits. He joins a group
of thugs that the compound is training to become soldiers for the
drug lord's army. A local warlord stops by the camp to complain to
the drug lord ("You do not respect me!"), only to be
ambushed by Burmese troops as he leaves the camp. He is saved by a
mysterious stranger (actually another government spy) who guns down
all the troops. The warlord brings him back to his camp. The first
undercover guy meets
two other men that the government sent to help him. They watch the
camp carefully, looking for any weaknesses that they can exploit
later on. When the warlord finds out that the troops that attacked
him were not Burmese but, rather, the drug lord's men in disguise, he
goes back to the drug lord's compound , only to be beat up and
injected with drugs. After disciplining his men for being
insubordinate (he shoots three of them point blank), the drug lord
send his new recruits on their first drug run but, for some reason,
the undercover guy is chained-up and stays behind. He becomes friends
with the compound's only female soldier, Tulip (!), after fixing her
Jeep. (When he tells her that he was in prison, she asks him,
"Were you in for robbery?" He replies matter-of-factly,
"No, I killed my wife and her mother in bed.") He sets up a
series of events that will pit the drug lord's men against the
warlord's men (turns out the warlord was Tulip's uncle). Many
gunfights and explosions follow once the drug lord shoots the warlord
in front of Tulip. I dare anyone to make sense of the
incomprehensible Indonesian piece of crap. I love Indonesian action
films, but this one sorely lacks the rapid-fire pace, violence and
kinetic energy associated with with many films from this region (i.e. FINAL
SCORE - 1986). This film just drags from beginning to end
and very little of it is interesting. The dubbing is especially dicey
(everyone talks like William Shatner, as there are long pauses in
mid-sentence) as is the photography (it's either extreme close-ups or
long shots). Even the most exploitable elements are handled poorly.
There's an auction for prostitutes at the compound (there aren't
enough women to go around) and the resulting nudity and gang rape of
one girl is so confusingly shot, it ruins the effectiveness. Even the
violence is tame by Indonesian standards. Just a few bullets to the
head and body and a couple of beatdowns. Of course, there's plenty of
gunfire, explosions and things on fire, but none of it interesting or
exciting. I must say I was highly disappointed. I expected craziness
and got laziness instead. You can't win them all. Also known as RAIDERS
OF THE GOLDEN TRIANGLE. Directed by Sumat Saichur (RAIDERS
OF THE DOOMED KINGDOM - 1985). Starring Sarapong Chatri,
Manny Aswater, Peter Ramwa, Sam Tham, Joe Patan, Jane Turks, Panda
McClure, Nicor Lugar and Strom Baker. A Link Video Release. Not Rated.
THE
ORDER OF THE BLACK EAGLE
(1986) - In this sequel to UNMASKING
THE IDOL (1986; which utilizes most of the same people, both
in front and behind the camera), a group of ski mask-wearing
terrorists kidnap laser specialist Dr. George Brinkmann Jr. (Stephan
Krayn) in a daring raid at an awards ceremony in Geneva, Switzerland
and take him by helicopter to an unknown destination. In Washington,
D.C., we watch international super spy and expert thief Duncan Jax
(Ian Hunter, who resembles a balding Michael Bolton!) stealing a box
of big-ass diamonds from a secure facility run by a bunch of
towelheaded Arabs and escaping into the night in a small plane
piloted by his baboon sidekick, Boon (yeah, you read that right).
After delivering the diamonds to his boos, Star (C.K. Bibby), by
landing the plane in his boss's front yard while a cocktail party is
in progress, Duncan is informed that Dr. Brinkmann was kidnapped by
neo-Nazi group The Order Of The Black Eagle, which is headed by Baron
Von Tepish (William T. Hicks; HOUSE
OF DEATH - 1982), a former leader of Hitler's Youth Movement.
Duncan is informed that he and Boon must rescue Dr. Brinkmann from
the Baron's secret headquarters, an ancient temple in South America.
Star isn't sure why the Baron has kidnapped Dr. Brinkmann, but he is
sure of two things: 1) The Baron is having a lot of expensive laser
equipment shipped to his headquarters and 2) whatever is going to
happen is probably going to take place on Hitler's birthday, which is
rapidly approaching. By a stroke of extremely good luck (some would
say it is too good to be true), Duncan bears a striking resemblance
to an enemy agent recently captured who was supposed to deliver a
bunch of laser equipment to the Baron's headquarters, so Duncan takes
his place. He, along with Boon (how in the world will he explain the
baboon to the Baron?) and undercover Interpol agent Tiffany
Youngblood (Jill Donnellan), head to South America, but not before
they are equipped with some gadgets by their Q-like contraption
maker, Sato (Shangtai Tuan). The Baron has a new laser weapon called
the Proton Beam, which he demonstrates by blowing a satellite out of
the sky (He says, "Tonight, many Americans will not get their
HBO!"). He plans on using the Proton Beam to destroy America and
he also has the cryogenically frozen body of Hitler, which he plans
on reviving on his birthday and try once again to become ruler of the
world (Won't the Nazis ever learn?). Duncan and Tiffany's true
identities are soon discovered and Duncan escapes into the jungle,
where he joins Star and a squad of mercenaries, including females
Maxie (Anna Rapagna) and Spike (Flo Hyman; who died during filming,
which explains her absence in the finale), on a raid of the Baron's
headquarters to rescue Tiffany and Dr. Brinkmann, destroy the Proton
Beam and kill the Baron and Hitler. The finale is a mixture of gory
violence, heroic derring-do and explosive action, as the Baron's
headquarters is reduced to nothing but a pile of rubble and mangled
bodies. This ridiculously cheap sub-James Bond adventure,
directed by former Earl Owensby protégé Worth Keeter (DOGS
OF HELL - 1982; TRAPPER
COUNTY WAR - 1989; MEMORIAL
DAY - 1998; HIJACK -
1999) and written by Phil Behrens (who also wrote UNMASKING
THE IDOL), is so bad that it becomes fun in spite of itself.
Unlike the Bond adventures, the action here is R-rated, as Duncan Jax
has no trouble decapitating, blowing-up or riddling his enemies with
bullets. Keeter throws-in every cheap trick in the book, including
Nazis who like to say the word "Jew" a lot; a hilarious
Spaghetti Western take-off where Duncan pretends to be gay (!) to
distract the banditos while Star and the mercenaries board a bus;
Boon the baboon, whose only talents seem to be flipping the bird to
anyone he dislikes, throwing grenades or driving vehicles; a couple
of high speed chases, one of the motorcycle variety (which ends in a
decapitation) and the other a speedboat chase (which results in a
couple of nifty boat explosions, complete with shredded bodies); and
the action-packed finale, where Duncan and the mercenaries use their
individual talents to slaughter their opponents. If you don't mind
awful acting (William T. Hicks' German accent is horrendous); a plot
that can best be described as outlandish; and some less-than-stellar
makeup effects (especially Hitler's demise in the finale), you may
find yourself enjoying this violent and stunt-filled James Bond
rip-off. Also starring Bill Gribble, Gene Sherer, Wolfgang Linkman,
Joe Coltrane, James Eric, Terry Loughlin and Dean Whitworth.
Originally released on VHS by Celebrity Home Entertainment and not
available on DVD. Rated R.
THE
PACIFIC CONNECTION (1974) -
Just when I thought I had seen every kind of genre film from the
Philippines, this one comes across my desk. Allan (Gilbert Roland; THE
BLACK PEARL - 1977) has given half a necklace to his son,
Arnis (stickfighting) champ Ben (Roland Dantes; LIVE
BY THE FIST - 1993), and is told that the other half of the
necklace belongs to the Old Master, who is somewhere out in the world
waiting to impart his wisdom. Ben is told to go out and find the Old
Master and relieve him
of his duties, thereby becoming the New Master (I know it makes no
sense, but just go with it). This film is about Ben's exploits in
achieving that goal. Unfortunately, Ben's country has been invaded
and taken over by an army of feathery hat-wearing Spanish marauders
(this film looks to take place in the late 15th Century), led by
brothers Miguel (Dean Stockwell, who looks like he's trying out for a
dry run of DUNE [1984] and has a
Spanish accent so bad, he drops it midway through the film!) and
Antonio (Cole Mallard; FLY ME
- 1973), the sons of the new Governor (Alejandro Rey; TERRORVISION
- 1986). When Miguel and his sword-carrying sidekicks demand money
from Allan (which he pays) and Antonio tries to rape Allan's wife,
Maria (Gloria Seville), Allan and Ben break out the Arnis sticks to
defend her honor. They beat the crap out of Miguel and Antonio and
Ben makes them both get on their knees and apologize to his parents.
Since no good deed goes unpunished, the Governor and an army of
Spaniards pay a late night visit to Allan's house, where the Governor
kills Allan by running him through with a sword (but not before Allan
burns him on the face with a torch) and then rapes and viciously
stabs Maria, killing her, but not before Maria castrates him with a
knife (we see his castrated penis fall to the floor!). Ben is forced
to watch his parents being killed and is later convicted of "acts
of treason, murder, rape and talk of revolution", put on a
slave ship in shackles and abused and jumps overboard during a
violent storm (but not before killing the ship's captain by throwing
a sword into his neck!). An unconscious Ben washes ashore on a
tropical island, where he is rescued by a bunch of beautiful native
girls wearing colorful sarongs. Leni (Nancy Kwan; WONDER
WOMEN - 1973), one of the beautiful native girls, takes Ben
back to her hut and nurses him back to health with the help of an old
white blind medicine man (Guy Madison; SUPERARGO
AND THE FACELESS GIANTS - 1968). Meanwhile, the facially-scarred
and dickless Governor (Who tells Miguel when he offers him a mirror:
"Why be so concerned about looks when you're only half a
man?") hires Japanese samurai Mori (Hiroshi Tanaka; NINJA
WARS - 1982) to teach him and his sons how to fight with
samurai swords (A disbelieving Antonio gets taught a lesson by Mori
when he gets all his clothes sliced off by Mori's swift sword). The
Governor sends his sons and a battalion of soldiers to the tropical
island to look for all the slaves lost during the shipwreck, not
knowing that Ben is also there. The old white blind medicine man
takes Ben under his wing and hides him out. Leni and other native
women are taken aboard the ship and forced to hula dance, but it
turns out to be a distraction so Ben and other native men can steal
some cannons off the ship to force Miguel and Antonio off the island
and promise never to return (I'm having a hard time swallowing this.
Why not just kill them instead?). When the penis-less Governor finds
this out, he blows a gasket and sends another ship to the island with
more powerful cannons (this time the Governor accompanies them), but
when the old white blind medicine man actually turns out to be none
other than the Old Master, he teaches Ben some new tricks, but will
it be eno
ugh
to defeat the Governor, his sons and new their ally Mori? This
ridiculously disjointed action film, directed/produced Luis
Nepomuceno (IGOROTA - 1968; he
also produced MAHARLIKA -
1970 and many people, including whoever wrote the copy on the German
VHS cassette, believe Luis Nepomuceno is a pseudonym for Cirio
H. Santiago, but they are wrong) and written by Nepomuceno, Jacques
Ehlen, Cesar Amico and Robert Irsol, looks like it was edited by
someone high on PCP (lots of quick, flashy edits that serve no
purpose that I could make sense of), but it is so bloody and quirky,
you can't help but be entertained by it. There's two on-screen
castrations (although the second one is a cheat, but shocking
nonetheless); plenty of other slicing and dicing by sword and by
knife; lots of Arnis (this film is also known as STICKFIGHTER)
and samurai sword fighting; topless native girls; a goat being killed
and a piece of it's still-wet hide applied as a blindfold to Ben,
which he must wear until he conquers darkness and gains a "sixth
sense"; an over-the-top performance by Alejandro Rey as a man
who really misses his wang; and way too much to go into here
(including Ben's search for the "iron reed", the only
substance strong enough to create a pair of Arnis sticks that can
withstand blows from a samurai sword). THE
PACIFIC CONNECTION is non-stop weirdness from beginning to
end and deserves more attention than it is getting. The end credits
announce a sequel, SULTAN BEN, which was, sadly, never made,
but star Roland Dantes (who died on March 16, 2009, of heart failure)
did star in 1979's STICKS OF DEATH,
where he got to show off more of his Arnis artistry. Filipino film
staple Vic Diaz puts in a cameo as Tsang, an emissary to Queen
Isabella. Also starring Elizabeth Oropesa and Fred Galang. Although
never released on home video in the U.S., VHS tapes still can be
found on Canadian label Trend Video. Not available on DVD. Not Rated.
PANTHER
SQUAD (1984) - This
is an abysmal so-called action film, starring and co-produced by
Sybil Danning (CAT
IN
THE CAGE
- 1978), that looks like it was spliced together with a chainsaw.
This has the look and feel of a Jess Franco film, and if you will
bear with me, I'll explain why. It's full of stock shots, quick
editing, vaseline covered lenses and zoom shots. The film contains
footage of other European films. Co-stars Karin Shubert and Jack
Taylor have appeared in many of Franco's films. Producer Daniel
Lesoeur has also been involved in more than his share of Franco's
work. It was executive produced by A.L. Mariaux, and while Mr.
Mariaux is a real person, Franco has been known to use his name on
occasion. Director Peter Knight is a pseudonym for Pierre Chevalier (CONVOY
OF WOMEN - 1974), a frequent producer for Franco. And
finally, the film stinks to high heaven. Silly plot involves Ms.
Danning and her team of female commandos on a mission to rescue a
woman astronaut taken hostage by an anti-pollution terrorist group!
Jack Taylor is Danning's alcohol-sodden partner. Donald O'Brien (DOCTOR
BUTCHER M.D.
- 1980) also appears. This film is so lame that Ms. Danning does not
disrobe once and neither do her commandos. So what's the point? The
film is Rated
R
but could have easily gotten a PG.
There is no nudity and no blood, just extremely mild violence. It is
disjointed and suffers a severe lack of continuity. What a mess (Hey!
It sounds like I'm describing a Franco film, doesn't it?).
Mercifully, it runs a scant 77 minutes. Thank God for small
blessings. Also known as FEMALE
MERCENARIES II. A Lightning
Video Release. Rated R.
PAY
OR DIE (1979) - You know you are
in for something special when the first line spoken in this film
comes from mobster Lucifer "The Devil" Devlin (Johnny
Wilson) as he is yelling at all his underbosses: "How in the
hell are we going to push drugs when we don't have any pushers?"
Yes, this is Filipino director/producer Bobby A. Suarez's third film
in the Cleopatra Wong series, which previously included THEY
CALL HER...CLEOPATRA WONG (1978) and DYNAMITE
JOHNSON (1978), all starring Marrie Lee as Cleopatra Wong.
This latest chapter is much more ribald and sexual than the first
two and contains a lot of gay stereotypes, homosexual humor and fat
jokes. The underbosses, led by hook-handed Manny (Dick Adair, who
also co-wrote the screenplay with Joseph Zucchero), grow tired of
Devlin's mistreatment, so they kidnap his daughter, Debbie (Cynthia
Rodrigo) and give Devlin 72 hours to deliver one million dollars and
turn over all his business documents or they will kill Debbie. Devlin
calls Interpol agent Cleopatra Wong in Singapore to help him rescue
his daughter. Cleo agrees to help Devlin in exchange that when his
daughter is safe, he turns over to Cleo all the names and details of
his drug business. Devlin agrees and Cleo goes about putting together
a team, which includes flamboyantly gay corrupt ex-cop Terry (an
over-the-top Franco Guerrero, here billed as "Chito
Guerrero") and an extremely overweight female psychic with the
descriptive name of Rotunda (Florence Carvajal). This extremely
unlikely trio then goes about finding the three underbosses, Manny,
Moe and Jack (!), with each one going after a different underboss.
Terry goes undercover (dressed as a female hooker!) to meet Manny at
his bar (Terry introduces him/herself to Manny by saying, "I'm a
virgin...with lots of references!" to which Manny replies,
"Guess which hand has the peanut? [After placing Terry's hand on
his crotch] This one!"). Rotunda goes to Moe's (Danny Rojo)
gambling parlor, where she uses her psychic powers to win at
blackjack. Cleo pretends to be a junkie to get close to Jack (Ted
Deelman). Unfortunately, all three strike out in their pursuits of
their prey, so they rethink their strategy and decide to work as a
team to rescue Debbie, which leads to many martial arts fights and
the unlikeliest motorcycle/car chase in film history. The finale
takes place on the beach, where the trio must not only save Debbie
(who is buried up to her neck in the sand with high tide
approaching), but also Devlin, who has decided to pay the ransom
(after witnessing how inept Cleo and her two friends really are), but
Manny, Moe and Jack double cross him anyway. Bobby A. Suarez is
my favorite Filipino action director (his out
put
is nowhere as prolific as Cirio H. Santiago, but he is much more
consistent) and this film is a good indicator why. Suarez never takes
the material seriously (in lesser hands, the gay humor and fat jokes
would probably be considered offensive, but here they are just
goofy), yet he manages to give all the heroes and villains distinct
personalities and dishes out tons of intentionally funny one-liners,
including "How would you like to get fingered by Captain
Hook?" and "I want Manny's ass, not his pants!" (I
also like how Debbie teases Manny by calling him "Hooky"
and watching him doing a slow burn while saying, "I'll show you
hooky!" as he waves his metal appendage in the air.). The action
scenes are purposely staged to be humorous, especially Terry's
martial arts fights (he gets a precarious thrill every time he
touches a bad guy's ass) and the obese Rotunda (who is never without
some type of food in her purse, including sandwiches and bananas)
walking up a rickety wooden ladder and then trying to shimmy across a
trapeze wire, only to have the wire snap, causing her to crash
through a cement wall. The sight of Cleo, Terry and Rotunda riding
down the highway in a combination motorcycle/sidecar is an image that
will not soon leave your memory. Director Suarez, who made more
serious films like ONE
ARMED EXECUTIONER (1980; also starring Guerrero), AMERICAN
COMMANDOS (1985) and WARRIORS
OF THE APOCALYPSE (1985), keeps things nice and loose here,
yet he imbues his stereotyped heroes with a sense of bravura missing
from other films in the same mold. This was originally released to
theaters under the title DEVIL'S
THREE: THE KARATE KILLERS with a totally misleading ad
campaign that made it look like a serious action film like ENTER
THE DRAGON (1973). I would have loved to see the faces of
audience members once they were introduced to the likes of Terry and
Rotunda. That would have been worth the price of admission alone. It
was then retitled PAY OR DIE
and released by Terry Levine's Aquarius Films in the early 80's with
an equally serious ad campaign. Also known as DEVIL'S
ANGELS and MEAN BUSINESS.
Mel Welles (the director of LADY
FRANKENSTEIN - 1971) was the Dialogue Director. Also
starring Lauro Flores, Jennie Perez, Joe Cunahan, Nestie Mercado, Jim
Babb, Ken Metcalfe and the P.I.S. Stuntmen (P.I.S.S.!). Released on
VHS as part of Sybil Danning's Adventure Video series from U.S.A.
Home Video in a very scratchy and jumpy print. Available on DVD
from Code Red. Rated R.
PHANTOM
SOLDIERS (1987) - War action
as only the Filipinos can do it. The film opens with a squad of
faceless (thanks to the gasmasks they are wearing) Phantom Soldiers,
all dressed in black bio-suits and impervious to bullets and pain, as
they raid a North Vietnamese village. They enter the village with
guns and grenade launchers blazing, slaughtering innocent men, women
and children until they corner the surviving villagers at a
beachhead, where they release canisters of poison nerve gas and watch
callously as the exposed villagers gasp their last breaths. As they
exit the destroyed village, one of the soldiers leaves their calling
card: a human skull on a pole with two crossed swords tattooed across
the forehead. At the Texas/Mexico border halfway across the world,
Texas Ranger Daniel Custer (Max Thayer; THE
RETRIEVERS - 1982) leads some DEA agents on a raid of a
Mexican drug lord's compound, which leads to a massive gun battle
with multiple explosions, resulting in Daniel capturing his prey.
Back in Vietnam, Daniel's brother, Lt. Michael Custer (Corwyn Sperry; BATTLE
RATS - 1988),
leads a platoon of soldiers on a recon mission and stumble upon the
slaughtered village. This isn't the first time that Lt. Custer has
witnessed the after-effects of the Phantom Soldiers (his commanding
officer has a collection of tattooed skulls back at base camp), so he
disobeys direct orders and hunts down the phantom platoon with his
own squad of soldiers, which includes tracker Red Legs (co-scripter
Jim Gaines). Lt. Custer and his men are led into a trap after meeting
CIA operative Colonel Hammer (Jack Yates), who offers to take them to
the CIA's secret camp. Lt. Custer ends up missing in action, so
Korean War veteran brother Daniel heads to Vietnam to search for him.
Daniel proves his worthiness as a soldier when he single-handedly
saves a squad of American soldiers from a VC surprise assault. When
The U.S. refuses to help him find his brother, Daniel gets help from
a captured VC soldier, who leads him to the secret CIA base, where
Daniel is knocked-out and captured by Colonel Hammer. As Daniel will
soon find out, his own government and Russia are behind the creation
of the Phantom Soldiers, but will he or his brother survive to tell
the world the truth? Action-packed and bloody as hell, this
Philippines-lensed flick, directed by action specialist Teddy Page (BLOOD
DEBTS - 1983; JUNGLE RATS -
1987), here billed as "Irvin Johnson", contains many
well-staged action set-pieces and a good amount of weird visuals,
especially when the jackbooted, gasmasked Phantom Soldiers attack.
The opening slaughter of the North Vietnamese village has an
otherworldly feel to it, as the Phantom unit looks more like aliens
than they do soldiers, indiscriminately killing everyone in their
path, be it men, women or children, without the slightest sign of
hesitation or remorse. The script, by co-star Jim Gaines (BLACK
FIRE - 1985; ROBOWAR
- 1988) and Rod Davies, is full of the prerequisite action scenes
we've come to depend on from these Filipino actioners (plenty of
bloody bullet squibs, including graphic gunshots to the head and lots
of things blowing up in huge fireballs) and some good slow-motion
scenes of death and destruction, but there's also some very unique
and unusual touches on view. For one, Daniel and Michael wear each
other's badges of honor as a sign of brotherly love. Michael wears
Daniel's Texas Ranger badge in Vietnam and Daniel wears Michael's
Bronze Star back in Texas. It's a simple and effective way to express
their commitment to each other without getting maudlin. There are
also a few bits of dialogue that reveals that Daniel is against the
war in Vietnam, even though his brother is fighting in it, especially
the scene where he sets his VC prisoner free, even tossing him a
nudie magazine as a souvenir. Unusual for a film of this type. Still,
this is a good, old-fashioned war actioner at heart and PHANTOM
SOLDIERS (also known as COMMANDO
PHANTOM) certainly doesn't disappoint, even if the added
extra "oomph" raises it a notch or two above the norm. Also
starring Richard King, Mike Monty, David Anderson, John Fulch and
Edward Burnett. Never legitimately available on home video in the
U.S., the print I viewed was taken from a highly watchable
Japanese-subtitled VHS tape. Not Rated.
PLATOON
THE WARRIORS (1988) - When
producer Joseph Lai wasn't churning-out countless cut-and-paste
martial arts flicks (most with the word "Ninja" in the
title), he was cranking-out straight-ahead cut-and-paste actioners
such as this one, directed by Philip Ko (AMERICAN
FORCE 3: HIGH SKY MISSION - 1989). This one opens with
villain Rex (Mike Abbott; HANDS
OF DEATH - 1987) double-crossing Bill (Mark Watson) in a
drug deal. Bill runs for his life after Rex and his men gun down all
of Bill's crew and he runs smack-dab into two ninjas dressed in
yellow (Wait! Is this a ninja film after all? Nah, this is the last
we see them.), who steal Bill's briefcase full of money and deliver
it to Rex. Bill escapes with his life and vows revenge. We then cut
to the film proper (which looks to be some unreleased Filipino crime
film), where we watch a gang of crooks, headed by Ray, rob a liquor
store and then kill an eyewitness named Michael as they hop in their
car to make their getaway. In an awful example of intercutting old
and new footage, Rex calls the leader of another Filipino gang on the
phone to remind him that he has a lot of money riding on the big
prize fight and to make sure nothing goes wrong (After
Rex tells the gang leader to murder anyone who gets in the way, he
hangs up the phone. The leader turns to his gang and says, "That
was Rex. Nothing, really." What?!?). Meanwhile, Michael's older
brother Jack begins looking for Ray and his gang, based on a partial
license plate number Michael wrote down in his own blood while he was
dying. Jack starts tearing up the town looking for Ray and his three
cohorts, getting into a series of fights with various lowlifes and
stopping long enough to frolic in the ocean and screw his girlfriend
Amy. Jack turns down Bill's offer to join forces (more bad
intercutting), so Bill dresses in Army fatigues and, every twenty
minutes or so, interrupts the main film to begin killing members of
Rex's gang. When Jack's father is gunned-down at the big prize fight,
Jack steps-up his beat-downs, which pisses-off Ray, who shoots-up
Jack's house, killing his mother and sister and kidnapping another
sister named Jenny (Jack is not having a good week, is he?). To add
insult to injury, Ray rapes Jenny repeatedly and then offers her to
the rest of his gang, before releasing her (Well, at least he didn't
kill her!). Jack puts down his fists and picks up automatic weapons
(including a strange looking tommy gun) and begins killing everyone
associated with Ray, including the gang Rex is involved with (well,
at least in this bastardized version). The rest of the film is
nothing but a series of shootouts and fisticuffs and, in the finale,
Jack faces-off with Ray, while Rex and Bill (who are now dressed in
green army fatigues) shoot it out and then duke it out until Rex
blows himself up with a hand grenade. My brain hurts! It should
come as no surprise that the "screenplay" to this IFD Films
And Arts Ltd. production was written by Godfrey Ho (as "Benny
Ho"), because it contains all the priceless hilariously-bad
dubbed dialogue we've come to expect from him, such as one bad guy
saying to another, "Did you meet a nice girl? With big
ones?" or, on discovering that Jack is still alive, Ray retorts,
"So, Jack's alive. We'll have to remedy that!" The pinnacle
of hilarity comes when Rex, upon hearing that Bill is supplying
weapons to Jack, turns to one of his underlings and says, "Damn
that bastard! Hold on, I gotta take a piss!" He pulls out his
dick and begins pissing in the woods, just as Bill arrives on the
scene and begins shooting-up the woods. The shot of Rex running away
while trying to zip-up his fly will have you rolling on the floor.
The old footage is much more entertaining than the new footage
(sometimes it's the other way around on other pastiche films from
Lai, but not this time) and contains a RAIDERS
OF THE LOST ARK-inspired moment when Jack comes face-to-face
with an expert knife handler, but after he's done putting on a show
of his knife-twirling abilities, Jack shoots him dead and moves on. PLATOON
THE WARRIORS is nothing but a Filipino rip-off of DEATH
WISH (1974), as Jack loses everyone in his family except his
sister and then gets revenge through the barrel of a gun. The newly
shot footage adds nothing here and, besides the Rex pissing scene, is
pretty disposable. Director Philip Ko is certainly no Godfrey Ho. I
guess there are advantages and disadvantages in that statement. Also
known as PLATOON WARRIORS. Also starring James Miller, Dick
Crown, Alex Sylvian, Don Richard, David Coley, William Dasco, Jackson
Leon, Dick Romano, Paul Gloria and Nicholas James. Does anyone but me
find it disturbing that none of these names sound Filipino? Never
released on home video in the U.S., the print I viewed was sourced
from a fullscreen Greek-subtitled VHS tape. Not Rated.
POW
DEATHCAMP (1988) - This Filipino
war action film opens up with an on-screen crawl informing us that,
in 1966, the U.S. Government planned on ending the Vietnam War by
dropping an atom bomb on Hanoi. When the person in charge of that
mission, Captain James Brooks, is captured by the enemy, a band of
mercenaries, led by Aviles (Rey Malonzo of CLASSIFIED
OPERATION - 1985), are hired to rescue Capt. Brooks. They
fight the enemy in the jungle while trying to avoid spiked booby
traps (one of Aviles' men steps on a tripwire and gets spiked through
his leg) and being massively outnumbered. They save a village girl
after she is bitten by a cobra, only they end up being captured by
the enemy and sent to a P.O.W. camp. Aviles and his men are tied-up
and forced to watch as the sadistic camp warden forces two prisoners
to arm
wrestle each other, the loser getting shot in the stomach when his
opponent's hand touches a lever that pulls the gun's trigger. As the
deaths pile up, thanks to the arm wrestling contest and an
unsuccessful escape attempt by four American soldiers (who are all
shot and killed), Aviles and his men must come up with an escape plan
before they are killed. Aviles' second-in-command, Jun (Charles
Black), narrowly misses being killed in the arm wrestling contest
when he beats the ten-time champion, which leads to Aviles and Jun
escaping. They begin to systematically kill the camp guards,
eventually freeing all the prisoners. The sadistic camp warden
gathers his remaining men and hunts down Aviles and the P.O.Ws.
Easier said than done, as Aviles and his men are experts in jungle
warfare. The rest of the film is nothing but a series of gun battles
and fistfights, ending with a massacre on the banks of a river, where
everyone, including the snake-bitten girl from the beginning of the
film, loses their lives in a hail of bullets. Isn't war
wonderful? This film proves that not all Filipino action films
can be winners. Director Jett C. Espirito (VENGEANCE
SQUAD - 1987), working with a minimal script supplied by
Jeffrey Woods or Bonnie Paradez (since the opening credits lists
Woods and the closing credits list Paradez as the screenwriter),
doesn't have much to work with here, just a basic premise (that's
immediately dropped) followed by lots of shooting and hand-to-hand
combat. Ignore the synopsis on the back of the video box, as whoever
wrote it obviously didn't watch the film. The only part of the
synopsis that's even partly true is that Capt. James Brooks (called
"Captain Steiner" on the box) is at the P.O.W. camp that
Aviles (called "Lt. Comez" on the box) and his men are sent
to. Problem is, he's not alive, as the camp warden reveals Brooks
body to his new captives. It's a skeleton wearing Brooks' uniform!
All the other character names listed on the back of the box are also
false. The middle section of the film, when everyone is at the
P.O.W. camp, is filmed at night and most of the time it is too dark
to make out what is going on. For a war film, it's not very bloody,
just a few bloody bullet squibs and a couple of booby trap
impalements (and they both look to have been edited to delete the
gore, even though this tape doesn't carry a rating). I was kind of
excited to watch this when I found a copy on eBay
since I never heard of it before, but once I got about twenty minutes
into it, I knew that I wasn't in for anything special. It lacked
craziness that makes a lot of other Filipino actioners so memorable.
Oh, well. They can't all be winners. Also starring George Estregan,
Urs Hardegger, Vilma Vitug, Ronnie Valle, Merilyn Bautista, Jimmy
Santos and Bill Baldridge. Originally filmed as WARCAMP.
An Atlas
Entertainment Corporation Release. Not Rated.
PROVOKED
(1989) - Ah, Raedon Home Video. I doubt that they ever turned
down a film that ever crossed their desk. PROVOKED, on the
other hand, was an in-house production, so they have no one to blame
but themselves. After witnessing the worst prisoner escape in recent
memory, where Mad Dog and Big Mama drive up to a prison work crew and
break out Big Mama's son Loverboy (a rapist) and Slick (an Oriental
psychopath) and then kill the remaining prisoners and guards, the
group then pick up Nick the Knife (another criminal) and then rob a
real estate office, looking for the huge payroll that was supposed to
be delivered today. It looks like their intel was faulty because all
they find are a bunch
of nervous women and no money. Newlyweds Casey (Cindy Maranne), who
works at the office, and her new husband Michael (Bob Fall), stop by
to pick up their airline tickets that Casey mistakenly left there.
Michael gets taken hostage by the hoods, but Casey gets away and
alerts a security guard (who gets himself killed) and is then
arrested by the cops. When two cops and Nick the Knife are
killed in a shootout, Casey convinces Police Captain Rader (McKeiver
Jones III) that she is a victim (and that her husband is an ex-NYC
cop). Word gets out to the TV news (the Mayor just happens to be
banging TV news reporter Carla [Ona Simms] when he gets the call from
Rader) and it turns into a major media event. Mad Dog demands
$100,000 and transportation out of town. To divulge any more would be
to spoil any little entertainment this wretched piece of flotsam has
to offer. Let's just say Casey has less brains than the crooks, as
she decides to take the law into her own hands. Good luck, Michael.
You've married one crazy bitch. Impossibly cheap (when people
get shot, they simply fall down, no squibs and no blood, except for a
short time in the finale) and indifferently acted (Big Mama, a black
woman, plays her role like she has never heard of the Civil Rights
Movement), PROVOKED tries to act like DOG
DAY AFTERNOON
(1975), but comes up looking like PLAN
9 FROM OUTER SPACE
(1959). Director Rick Pamplin (who, thankfully, switched to
documentaries) looks like he had a $500 budget to work with (the
crowd scenes consists of about five people) and hasn't got a clue how
to build suspense. As with most films of this type, the press is
portrayed as unfeeling and one-sided (Reporter Carla says to Casey,
"You know your husband is probably dead, right?") and the
cops are clueless, taking orders from a mayor who is more worried
about his political future than the hostages' lives. The film is full
of illogical situations (Who in their right mind would send a
reporter into the building to interview the hostage takers and
broadcast it live?) and inane dialogue, such as when Big Mama says to
her son, "No pussy without checking with me first!" My mama
never said that to me. She could have saved me a divorce if she did.
When Casey just happens to run into Machine Gun Joe, an arms dealer,
in the middle of the street and gives her a prototype automatic
weapon for free (provided Joe goes with her on the assault!), you'll
throw your hands up in the air and scream, "Aw, c'mon!" And
let's not forget the rape scene where Loverboy and Slick rape one of
the hostages while all of them are fully-clothed! As with all Raedon
releases (except for DESERT
SNOW [1989], which I actually enjoyed), you know going in
that you're in for some stinky entertainment. This one just smells
worse than most. It's a total waste of film. Also starring Sharon
Blair, Harold Wayne Jones, Tara Untiedt (who also co-wrote the
ridiculous script with Steve Pake), Phyllis Durant, Jody Brown and
Daniel Kwong. A Raedon
Home Video Release. Not Rated.
RAGE
(1995) - The
folks at P.M. Entertainment Group are getting much better at their
craft. When they stick to straight action
flicks such as this one, they can really entertain. Gary Daniels (FIST
OF THE NORTH STAR
- 1995) stars as Alex, a grade school teacher who is unfortunate
enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. He is kidnapped by
crooked government officials who try to turn him into an inhuman
fighting machine. He escapes and the chase is on. Framed as a
murderer, Alex has to escape the many traps laid out by the nasties.
Alex gets his only help from a TV reporter (played by Kenneth Tigar
in a rare starring role) who believes in his innocence. Plenty of
good stunts, an excellent car chase (a P.M. trademark) and
well-staged fight scenes (the finale is a ballet of shattering glass,
filmed in a style usually reserved for Hong Kong actioners) make RAGE
a good choice for non-stop action fans. Also starring Jillian
McWhirter and Peter Jason. Directed by Joseph Merhi, who keeps
getting better with every film (something I thought I would never
say, considering he has directed such crap as EPITAPH
[1987], THE
NEWLYDEADS
[1987], L.A.
HEAT
[1988] and REPO JAKE
[1990]). This film made its world premiere on HBO and is now
available on videocassette from P.M. Entertainment Home Video. Rated
R.
RAIDERS
OF THE MAGIC IVORY (1988) - One
look at the title and you know what territory this film is heading.
Mercenary Sugar (James Mitchum of CODE
NAME: ZEBRA - 1986) is rescued from an Indonesian prison by
fellow mercenary Mark (Cris Ahrens of SHOCKING
DARK - 1989) to help him steal a priceless artifact. A
Chinese businessman offers them $250,000 to heist a mystical ivory
tablet from a religious sect located deep in the Vietnam jungle. To
make sure they hold up their end of the deal, the Chinaman
sends his right-hand man, Tao (Franklin Dominguez), to go along with
them. As they trek through the jungle, the three are relentlessly
pursued by VC soldiers and get into a few firefights until they reach
an area called "The Hell Which No One Returns", which is
strangely silent and lacks any wildlife. They find a boat (full of
skeletons) and use it to travel down river until they reach the
"Territory Of The Monks", a ghastly-looking religious sect
that practices black magic and possibly cannibalism. After a couple
of close calls with spiked boobytraps and bulletproof monks, our
intrepid trio find the monks' hidden underground temple and the magic
ivory tablet (which lets whoever holds it to become invisible). After
stealing the tablet and saving a girl named My Lei (Clarissa Mendez)
from sacrifice, they fight their way back to the extraction point,
low on ammo and food. A betrayal two-thirds of the way through the
movie leaves our heroes looking for revenge. This Italian
action/adventure film is nothing special, but I have watched a lot
worse than this. Director Tonino Ricci (PANIC
- 1982; RUSH -
1983), once again using his "Anthony Richmond" pseudonym,
crosses many genres here, mixing one part war, one part action, one
part horror and one part adventure into one uneven, but generally
entertaining flick. The script by Italian writer Dardano Sacchetti
(using his "David Parker Jr." pseudonym) is full of the
dialogue we expect in films like this, such as, "Were you born
an asshole or did you just work at it?" and "Up your ass,
motherfucker!" Typical Oscar-worthy stuff. Be warned that the
bloodletting is rather tame and, save for some bullet hits and
explosions, is practically non-existant. James Mitchum is his normal
wooden self and adopts the same non-acting style that his brother
Chris Mitchum (FINAL SCORE - 1986)
uses. I must confess, though, that I always wanted to see these two
star as brothers in an Indonesian action film, because those
Indonesian directors are hyper-crazy. The Italians don't seem to want
to take the chances that the Indonesians do. And that's the problem
with RAIDERS OF THE
MAGIC IVORY: Crazy situations with normal execution. Also
starring Charles Rack and Thomas Irving. The version I viewed was a
DVD-R copy of a letterboxed English language, Japanese-subtitled VHS
tape. Also available on a bootleg 10-film DVD compilation called MERCS
from those thieving bastards at VideoAsia. Not Rated.
RAIDERS
OF THE SUN (1991) - Another
Philippines-lensed post-nuke action flick from the prolific Cirio H.
Santiago (whose other post-nuke films include STRYKER
- 1983, WHEELS OF FIRE
- 1984, THE SISTERHOOD
- 1987 and DUNE WARRIORS
- 1990), which recycles footage from Santiago's EQUALIZER
2000 (1986). After the "Insurrection" is won by
the good guys, Brodie (Richard Norton) is sent by his Captain (Nigel
Hogge) to search for gunpowder, which is in short supply in this
futuristic society (in most post-nuke films, it's usually water or
oil). In his search, Brodie runs into town leader Vera (Brigitta
Steinberg) being kidnapped by Hoghead (the late
Rick Dean) and his gang. Brodie teams up with friend Talbot
(Blake Boyd), who is also Vera's husband, to rescue Vera from Hoghead
and his gang of miscreants. Complicating matters is Brodie's old
nemesis, Colonel Clay (William Steis), who joins forces with his
brother Hoghead and set out to steal what little gunpowder is left at
the Captain's headquarters.
Brodie and Talbot save Sierra (Lani Lobangco) from the clutches of
two mutants, when Brodie discovers that she is a native of a
legendary place called the "Gate To The Sun", where
"black powder" is plentiful thanks to a large potassium
mine there. Brodie and Talbot think it would be best if they split up
at the next town. Talbot will go undercover in Hoghead's gang looking
for his wife and Brodie and Sierra will go to her village where
Brodie can collect some gunpowder and bring it back to headquarters.
With the help of a group of dwarves (a recurring theme in nearly all
of Santiago's post-nuke films) from Sierra's village, Brodie (who is
injured protecting the little people) and Sierra make it to the
village. Hoghead and his gang go to the Captain's headquarters, where
they kill the Captain and steal most of their gunpowder. Talbot is
initiated into Hoghead's gang in a cheapjack MAD
MAX: BEYOND THUNDERDOME (1985) imitation, where he has to
fight Gonzo Gonzales (Ned Hourani) while they are swinging on ropes.
Colonel Clay makes it to Sierra's village and Brodie and the
villagers must protect the village's huge potassium mine from the
invading forces. The finale finds Brodie (who has fallen in love with
Sierra) fighting arch-nemesis Coloney Clay in hand-to-hand combat and
Talbot and a freed Vera battling Hoghead (who actually wears a hat
made from a hog's head!). When Sierra ends up dead by Colonel Clay's
hands, Brodie brings the gunpowder back to headquarters, where the
final battle between good against evil takes place. Cirio H.
Santiago (T.N.T. JACKSON
- 1975; VAMPIRE HOOKERS
- 1978) shot this low-budget flick for frequent backer Roger Corman's
Concorde-New Horizons production outfit and, while it does follow all
the standard post-nuke conventions (plenty of explosions, tricked-out
cars and lots of gunfire), it's not without it's charms. Rick Dean is
a hoot as Hoghead and the script, by frequent Santiago collaborator
Frederick Bailey (DEMON
OF PARADISE - 1987), gives him all the best lines or, maybe
he ad-libbed them and Santiago kept them in because they were better
than the script offered (He says to one of his men, "Don't you
wear my hog hat because, if you do, I'll fuckin' know!").
Richard Norton (CROSS
FIRE
- 1987) has very little to do here except fight or fire a gun. The
secondary characters are more interesting. Talbot has to pull a $100
bill out of a glass cage with a cobra in it to buy a drink and Vera's
jailer Meatball (Ernie Santana), a huge bald black man, eventually
becomes Vera's friend and helps her escape. Also on hand are Nick
Nicholson as Colonel Clay's always-laughing right-hand man Ackerman
and the tribe of dwarves. C'mon, admit it. Dwarves make you laugh,
don't they? Especially when they talk in a funny language and dress
in funny clothes. RAIDERS
OF THE SUN is nothing special, but if lines like, "Hey,
relax man. Take a laxative!" tickle your funnybone and scenes of
senseless death (including a couple by flamethrower) gets your blood
boiling, you may like this short (80 minute) action film. Also
starring Henry Strzalkowski, Paul Holmes, Joseph Zucchero and Robert
Ginnivan. A New Horizons Home Video Release. Rated R.
RAMBO
(2008) - While I generally don't review recent theatrical
releases, I'm going to make an exception here because I feel this is
an important, nay, essential, viewing experience for fans of action
cinema. Quite simply, this is the best 80's action film to be made in
the past twenty years and director/co-scripter/star Sylvester
Stallone has single-handedly restored my faith in American action
cinema. It's not perfect, mind you, but it is the most rousing,
bloody, audience-pleasing action flick that I have seen in theaters
in many years. Stallone returns for the fourth time as a much older
and even more world-weary John Rambo, who now lives in Thailand as a
fisherman and snake catcher. A bunch of Christian missionaries want
to hire Rambo and his boat to take them down river into Burma, where
they plan to give medical attention and teach the word of God to a
village of innocent souls. The missionaries, led by self-righteous
doctor Michael Burnett (Paul Schulze) and his do-gooder girlfriend
Sarah (Julie Benz), know that the Burmese people have been going
through a bloody genocide for over sixty years, where a cruel
National Army commits various atrocities against the people
(including a painful-to-watch game of forcing villagers to cross a
live minefield), but since they believe God is on their side, they
think they are safe from harm (yeah, right). At first Rambo refuses
(he turns his back
on them and says, "Fuck the world!"), but Miss Goody Two
Shoes convinces him and he finally relents. He takes them down river,
drops them off (after a harrowing episode with some river pirates)
and returns to his simple (and still nightmare-filled) life. A short
time later, the entire village is wiped-out by sadistic homosexual
military leader Tint (Maung Maung Khin) and his army (in one of the
most bloody massacres ever committed to celluloid) and the
missionaries are all taken prisoner and held captive in bamboo cages
(one of them is fed live to a bunch of hungry pigs!). Rambo is then
hired by the head of the Christian missionary (Ken Howard in a cameo
role) to take a squad of mercenaries down river to save the
missionaries. After some conflict with head merc Lewis (Graham
McTavish), Rambo joins forces with the mercenaries (he's still mighty
handy with a bow!) to save the missionaries. The rest of the film is
non-stop carnage of the goriest kind and contains one of the best
bomb explosions I have ever seen as well as a final battle that will
have you on the edge of your seat repeating the phrase "Holy
Shit!" over and over. It's hard to believe Sylvester
Stallone had to fight for several years to get this film made on his
terms, but once you've seen it, you'll be glad that he fought a
winning battle. Stallone has turned in one of the hardest R-rated
action films in the history of American cinema. Nothing is left to
the imagination as bodies are blown apart, heads explode, limbs are
hacked off, people torn in half by gunfire and, in a scene that must
be seen to be believed, Rambo grabs a 50mm machine gun and pulverises
an enemy soldier's body until it is nothing but a bloody mist.
Stallone as Rambo is still a man of few words, but he's in excellent
shape for a man of 60+ years (thanks to his injections of human
growth hormones [HGH], which he swears by) and is still believable as
an action hero. The politics are pure 80's Reagan era, as the holier-than-thou
Christian doctor, Michael, chastises Rambo for his violent ways
(even threatening to turn Rambo in to authorities after he kills four
river pirates, who would have surely murdered him and raped his
girlfriend), only to take a life himself when he's pushed to the
point of no return in the nail-biting finale. Stallone also pays
tribute to the late Richard Crenna as Col. Trautman, using scenes of
him from the previous three Rambo films in a black-and-white
nightmare sequence, even using footage from the alternate ending of FIRST
BLOOD (1982) where Trautman shoots and kills Rambo. There
are also some obvious uses of CGI (especially Tint's death), but most
of it is very quick and the explosion of the old WWII
"Tallboy" bomb in the forest is a thing of beauty and
managed to jerk back the heads of many audience members in a
spectacular "Holy Shit!" moment. Stallone is to be
commended for making such a politically incorrect action flick in a
time where political correctness is akin to being a
"patriot". This is Stallone's big "Fuck You!!!"
to all those who said he lost his chops (not to mention his mind) and
that ultra-violent action films were a thing of the past. After
viewing this film with a highly-appreciative audience, I implore my
readers to vote with your tickets as a way of telling studio
executives that we are tired of watered-down PG-13 rated crapfests
and want more of what RAMBO has
to offer: Balls-to-the-wall mindless carnage for no other reason then
to entertain us. We don't need "message" movies like Mel
Gibson's THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
(2004) and APOCALYPTO (2006)
as an excuse to show us the gore. Stallone knew what the audience
wanted and he delivered it in spades. Thank you! Also starring
Matthew Marsden, Rey Gallagos, Jake La Botz and Tim Kang. A Lionsgate
Entertainment Release. Rated R, but I'm still shaking my
head in amazement that the MPAA let this slide with that rating,
considering the amount of carnage on view.
RED
SCORPION 2 (1994) -
In-name only sequel to the Dolph Lungren starrer. This one is
Lundgren-less and continues
the downward spiral of the career of John Savage (THE
DEER HUNTER
- 1978). Savage portrays the leader of a neo-nazi cult group who is
responsible for several ethnic mass murders and the theft of the
Spear Of Destiny, a magical lance used on Christ during his
crucifixion. Savage hopes to use the spear to help him in his cause
to make the world safe for caucasions. A group of trained
specialists, led by Matt McColm, infiltrate Savages empire to
put a stop to his menace. Limp action sequences, listless direction
and Savages hammy overacting bring this film down to the
mediocrity level. The Spear Of Destiny subplot is quickly dropped and
forgotten. Thats a shame because I was hoping for some
supernational shenanigans to go along with all the explosions. No
such luck. Play Wolfenstein instead. Youll have more fun. Also
starring Michael Ironside (VISITING
HOURS - 1981), Jennifer Rubin (BAD
DREAMS - 1988) and Paul Ben-Victor (Sci Fi Network's THE
INVISIBLE MAN
[2000 - 2002]). Directed by Michael Kennedy (THE
SWORDSMAN
- 1992). A Shapiro
Glickenhaus Entertainment/MCA Universal Home Video Release. Rated R.
RESCUE
TEAM (1983)
- Another crazy Filipino action film. Years after the end of the
Vietnam War, an American P.O.W. escapes from a secret prison camp in
the Cambodian jungle by hanging on to the undercarriage of a truck.
After a few miles, he falls off, but before he dies, he tells a
hospital doctor the location of the prison and other valuable
information. The C.I.A. then hires alcoholic mercenary Robert Burton
(Richard Harrison) to lead a rescue team and bring back an important
American P.O.W. that is being held at the prison. With the
promise of $100,000 for him and $50,000 for each team member, Burton
gets his old group together and plans for the mission, if going
bowling, visiting a strip club, screwing women and drinking
excessively is considered planning (one of the team members talks
about screwing his girlfriend, even though she's passed out, by
saying, "She's good even when she's asleep!"). They manage
to make it to Cambodia (disguised as archaeologists!) and set up camp
in the jungle. Burton manages to keep their official V.C. escort
occupied by teaching him how to swear in American ("You can call
a woman a cunt, pussy or slit." is one exchange) until the
escort is killed in a surprise attack by jungle guerillas. The rescue
team then tranverse the jungle on their way to the P.O.W. camp,
avoiding booby traps, surprise attacks from the V.C. and other jungle
horrors. They meet their underground contact, Carla (Carol Roberts),
in the middle of the jungle and she guides them down the river until
they are ambushed and their boats and equipment are blown up. With no
weapons, the rescue team must find a way to make it through the
jungle in one piece and still meet their objective. While not
as delirious as some of the Indonesian action flicks (i.e. FINAL
SCORE - 1986), RESCUE TEAM
(also known as OPERATION COLEMAN [the last name of their
P.O.W. target]) still has it's fair share of outlandish set pieces
and risable dialogue. When the team use an enemy soldier as a test
for jungle traps and is then killed by a spiked booby trap, one team
member says, "Well, there goes our mine sweeper!" When they
finally raid the camp, it's rather sloppy as only one P.O.W.
survives, all the others are machine-gunned in their cell (to be
fair, it's the only one they were paid to rescue anyway.). Director
Jun Gallardo (COMMANDER
FIREFOX
- 1983; COMMANDO INVASION -
1986; SFX RETALIATOR - 1987; THE
FIRING LINE - 1991), here using the pseudonym "John
Gale", tosses all logic out the window and instead focuses on
mindless action as Burton begins losing members of his team after the
camp raid to a series of mishaps right up to the unforgettable
conclusion and final denouement (which involves a spiked champagne
toast). Richard Harrison has done countless Filipino, Indonesian and
Hong Kong actioners, including BLOOD
DEBTS (1983), MAJESTIC
THUNDERBOLT (1984), NINJA
TERMINATOR (1986) and homegrown product like THE
CHANNELER (1989). Let's just say that he's a decent utility
actor and leave it at that. Also starring Romano Kristoff, Don Gordon
Bell, James Gaines, Michael James, Mike Cohen and Tony McQueen. Be
aware that most of Jun Gallardo's films are not available in legal
editions on VHS or DVD in the U.S.. You'll have to go to grey market
sites to pick them up. The print I viewed came from a subtitled
Venezuelian VHS tape titled "Comando De Rescate". Not Rated.
UPDATE: I recently received this email from Carl Kuntze, The
screenwriter of BLACK MAMBA
(1974): " I noted some speculation on your site
whether I wrote Rescue Team (Operation Coleman) with Richard
Harrison. I must raise my hand and admit I wrote the original
screenplay. I don't know if it came out as I conceived. It was a
straightforward script based on an abortive attempted rescue. I'm
quite unsympathetic about Harrison's complaints about having to
improvise scripts on the spot for the Z movies, where he appeared. In
Rescue Team, he had a completed one. I'm told he wouldn't let go of
it once he read it, but he had to rewrite it, not so much to improve
it, but to expand his part. K.Y. Lim was aiming for a better market,
but Harrison refused to play the role unless he was allowed to
rewrite it. When Mr. Lim asked my permission, I shrugged.
I had been paid."
RETURN
FIRE: JUNGLE WOLF II (1988) - I
must confess that I've never seen the original JUNGLE
WOLF (1986 - which looks to have been a Philippines-lensed
war action film, based on the flashback footage shown here), but it's
not necessary to understand this second sequel (FORGOTTEN
WARRIOR [1986] is the first sequel). Ex-C.I.A. agent Steve
Parrish (Ron Marchini) returns home to San Francisco to spend time
with young son Zak (Dax Nicholas). Before he even reaches home, Steve
is attacked in the bathroom at a (strangely empty) mall by several
men with guns, leading Steve to steal a police car with thugs chasing
him close behind, shooting at him and lobbing hand grenades. It all
ends at a shipping
yard where Steve either shoots or blows up the goons. Steve returns
home to find his neighbor Jim (Rufus Norris) dead and Zak kidnapped.
Steve contacts his ex-boss Carruthers (Adam West) and more bad men
turn up at his house, forcing Steve to kill them all when none can
give him the location of his son. Steve meets Carruthers in a
graveyard, where Carruthers informs him that Zak was kidnapped by a
man named Petroli (D.W. Landingham), a Central American gun runner
that Steve pissed off (apparently in Part 1) and he kidnapped Zak in
retaliation. Carruthers wants Steve to go on one last mission to
bring Petroli down, but Steve passes and plans on getting Petroli his
own way. Steve contacts female operative Teri Anderson (Lynn
O'Brien), who finds out that Zak is actually being held by
Carruthers, who is working with Petroli, smuggling drugs into the
country. Teri rescues Zak and brings him to Steve. Steve then goes to
Petroli's headquarters and steals a van containing the latest
shipment of drugs and Carruthers' dirty money. Now, Carruthers wants
Petroli and Steve dead, Petroli wants Steve and Carruthers dead and
Steve wants Carruthers and Petroli dead. Steve turns the tables on
everyone when he takes over Petroli's warehouse, boobytraps it with
explosives and then blows up all the drugs while wiping out all of
Petroli's men, saving Petroli for last. Steve then catches Carruthers
trying to leave the country and gives him a few direct hits with a
shotgun, his way of saying "Bon voyage!" The first
thing you'll notice about this film is the awful music soundtrack.
It's so out of place during some of the action sequences, you'll
swear it was written for another movie. One-time director/co-scripter
Neil Callaghan delivers a lot of action for the film's low budget,
including plenty of bullet squibs, explosions and car chases. Ron
Marchini is not much of an actor, but he makes an O.K. action hero
and martial artist, appearing in such films as DEATH
MACHINES (1976), OMEGA COP
(1990 - also with Adam West) and KARATE
COP
(1991). This is actually Marchini's third time playing the role of
Steve Parrish, first essaying it in JUNGLE
WOLF (1986), then FORGOTTEN
WARRIOR (also 1986) and, finally, in this film. There was a
third JUNGLE WOLF film, KARATE
COMMANDOS: JUNGLE WOLF III
(1993), but it's an in-name-only sequel, as Marchini plays someone
called "Jake Turner" in it. RETURN
FIRE
is mindless action fun if you can get past the low budget, wooden
acting and glaring plot holes. I ended up liking it a lot more than I
thought I would, thanks to the frequent shoot-outs, stunts and
explosions. Lynn O'Brien also has a topless scene. For some reason,
Ron Marchini, who produces most of the films he stars in (he
Executive Produced this one), has used Dax Nicholas in four of his
films. He's not much of an actor and is the weakest link here. Also
known as MISSION TO WIN. Also starring Ty Randolph, Jim Alva,
Joe Meyer and Alfred Burt. An Action
International Pictures Home Video Release. Rated R.
REVENGE
OF NINJA (1984) - I'm not
sure what to make of this confusing Indonesian action flick. I'm not
even sure if it takes place in the present or the future, since it
mixes modern automobiles, futuristic weapons, sorcery and miniature
dune buggies (maybe it takes
place in some alternate universe). The film opens with Kohar (W.D.
Mochtar) and his gang trying to forcibly take a magical red stone
necklace from the neck of a white-robed sorcerer. After either
shooting, stabbing or blowing-up all the sorcerer's men, Kohar shoots
the sorcerer with his special rifle and the sorcerer disappears in a
puff of smoke, leaving the necklace on the ground. The necklace turns
out to be a fake (the real necklace will turn water red when
submerged, but it's power is never really explained), as Kohar
regrettably finds out when he hands it to his boss (who is also a
sorcerer). The white-robed sorcerer appears bathed in a glow of red
light in front of Maya (Dana Christina), after saving her from an
attack by some of Kohar's men (and one high-kicking woman). He gives
her the real necklace and tells her to protect it with her life. Maya
doesn't want to wear the necklace, so the sorcerer trashes her
apartment (!) until she agrees to wear it. Maya begins acting strange
(she gains fighting ability and magical powers), which worries her
boyfriend Ricky (Barry Prima). Ricky takes her to a medicine man (She
says, "I don't believe in mumbo-jumbo!") to help her with
her problems. The medicine man (who has a hunchback assistant) turns
out to be Kohar's boss. He hypnotizes Maya, while Kohar and his men
search her apartment for the necklace (for some reason, she still
doesn't like to put it around her neck!). They are interrupted in
their search by a mysterious man in black (Advent Bangun, the closest
thing to a ninja in this film), who beats the shit out of all of
them. Meanwhile, Maya becomes possessed by the sorcerer and destroys
the evil medicine man's home (rather than leave through the door, she
kicks a hole in the wall!). The sorcerer reveals himself to Ricky and
explains what is going on (I wish he would explain it to me!) and
even imbues Ricky with some magical powers. The evil medicine man
frees a witch in exchange to locate the body a even more evil
sorcerer, who he plans on using to kill the good sorcerer and then
gain control of the necklace. After performing a ceremony involving a
freshly removed beating human heart, they locate the body. Now it
becomes really confusing. Ricky fights the man in black and he beats
the possessed spirit out of Ricky. The reanimated evil sorcerer and
his undead zombie army fight the good sorcerer, Maya, Ricky and the
man in black for possession of the necklace. It seems the
right
people win in the end, at least I hope so! I'm still trying to
figure out just what the hell I watched here. Filled with nonsensical
scenes, like the one at a disco where the dancers on stage swing
their hips while the one in the middle turns a huge ship's steering
helm (!) or the scene where the man in black outraces a speeding car
on foot, jumps on the roof and rides it like a surfboard. He then
puches a hole in the roof with his bare hands, killing the driver and
forcing the car to crash and explode. He also kicks the hunchback so
hard, he stands up straight (the look on the hunchback's face is
priceless!). He then stomps on the poor man's hump, crushing it.
Director Ratno Timoer (THE
DEVIL'S SWORD - 1984) lays on the supernatural elements
pretty thick, as objects float in the air, the flames on candles
erupt like flamethrowers and, at one point, when Maya becomes
possessed, she looks like Linda Blair in THE
EXORCIST. The final battle (the evil sorcerer has a spike in
his head, which keeps him alive) is a hoot and contains gory manual
disembowelment, an army of fast-moving zombies and Barry Prima (doing
his best Chuck Norris impression) jumping through the windshield of
Kohar's moving car, killing both Kohar and his boss. It also has the
man in black swallowing the necklace, in one of the most "What
The Fuck?!?" moments in Indonesian film history. There's also
some choice dialogue, such as when one of Kohar's assassins says,
"I'll blow his brains out if I can find them!". All-in-all, REVENGE
OF NINJA is a likable action-packed film as long as you
don't mind not understanding what the fuck is going on. Advent
Bangun, who portrays the man in black, starred as the Si Buta, the
blind swordsman, in Prima's THE
WARRIOR 2 (1983) and would play the same character in his own
successful series of films, starting with THE
BLIND WARRIOR in 1985 (also directed by Timoer). As a matter
of fact, it's hard to watch any Indonesian action flick in the late
70's and 80's and not see at least one of the actors that you see in
this one. This Rapi Films production (Indonesia's premiere production
company for action and sleaze) was written by Darto Joned (THE
WARRIOR 1 & 2)
and produced by Gope T. Samtani (HELL
RAIDERS
- 1985). Also starring Harry Capri, Mundi Cader, I.M. Damsyik, Kandar
Sinyo and Farida Pasha. Not available from any legitimate label in
the U.S., it is, though, available from many gray market sellers. Not
Rated.
REVOLVER
(1973) - "Society has many ways of
defending itself. Red tape, prison bars and the revolver."
So begins this good and affecting EuroCrime flick, a mixture of
action and mystery, with a few surprising plot twists and some good
performances by the leads.
The film opens with Milo Ruiz (Fabio Testi; RINGS
OF FEAR - 1978) and his unnamed friend running away from a
botched robbery attempt, the friend shot in the gut by a security
guard. He knows he is going to die, so he makes
Milo promise not to let his body go to the morgue, he doesn't want
strangers cutting open his body. Milo promises and his friend dies.
While Ennio Morricone's evocative
music score plays (heavy on the Hammond organ and violins), we
watch Milo bury his friend by a riverbank, putting his pistol in the
dead friend's hand, kissing him on the forehead and then covering up
his body with dirt and rocks.
We then see important politician Harmakolis (Jean DeGrave; LIZARD
IN A WOMAN'S SKIN - 1971) being assassinated by a man on a
motorcycle as he is walking down the street. The Press then gathers
around famous pop star Al Niko (Daniel Beretta; FACELESS
- 1987), asking him why the police want to question him about
Harmakolis' death. Al says he has no idea, he will tell them as soon
as he finds out (inviting them to his sold-out concert at the
Olympia). It turns out it was Al's motorcycle the assassin was riding
on, only he tells the Police Inspector (Marc Mazza; MY
NAME IS NOBODY - 1973) he gave the motorcycle to friend Jean
Daniel Ogeire over two years ago, but he hasn't seen him for over a
year. It turns out Jean Daniel was Harmakolis' bodyguard until they
quarreled and Harmakolis fired him. The Inspector tells Al that Jean
Daniel threatened Harmakolis and told him he would pay for what he
did. The Inspector then hits Al with a surprise revelation: Jean
Daniel was killed on the motorcycle when it was hit by a train,
taking Al to the morgue to identify Jean Daniel's twisted and bloody
corpse, which he does. The Inspector then tells Al that the inquest
into Harmakolis' murder is officially over, but I think we all know
by now it is anything but (The Inspector says it is just as well the
case is closed, because the inquest and Jean Daniel's trial would
have triggered off no end or arguments and accusations. If Al didn't
make this identification, the police force might have suspected
someone else, which would have been Al.). So who really killed
Harmakolis and why?
We then see Vito Cipriani (Oliver Reed; MANIAC!
- 1977) and his new wife Anna (Agostina Belli; NIGHT
OF THE DEVILS - 1972) return to Milan from their honeymoon
and about to make love (all we see are Anna's bare feet on top
of Vito's shoes as he walks to the bedroom and for every step he
takes, a piece of Anna's clothing falls to the floor). We then see
gangster Michel Granier (Frederic de Pasquale; THE
FRENCH CONNECTION - 1971) getting off a plane in Milan and
two greasy-looking thugs getting off a train in the same location. Is
this all connected in some way? Count on it. Vito gets a phone call
and has to leave, disappointing Anna because she wanted to go
shopping with her new husband, but he promises that when he returns
they will go shopping together. We then discover that Vito is a
warden of a Milan prison and we watch him diffuse a situation at the
prison hospital where a suicidal prisoner (Sal Borgese; TORMENTOR
- 1972) threatens to kill himself with a knife (Vito asks the inmate:
"Are you Japanese? Only the Japanese know how to kill themselves
with a knife." and he pulls the knife out of the inmate's
hands). When Vito gets home, he calls out for Anna, but she doesn't
answer. The phone then rings and the man on the other end tells Vito
that he has kidnapped Anna and if he ever wants to see her alive
again, he must release an inmate that is in his prison. The inmate's
name is Milo Ruiz and he even gives Vito Milo's block number and
prisoner number, finishing with, "Find a way to spring him or
we'll fix your wife so you wouldn't recognize her!" Vito does
some background research on Milo and discovers that he deserted from
the Foreign Legion and is in prison for attempted robbery. He
confronts Milo in his cell alone and demands to know who his friends
are and why they want him released. Milo plays ignorant (or maybe he
isn't playing), saying he has no idea because he has no friends, his
only friend died a short while ago. Vito then questions Milo's
cellmate and he tells him the only name Milo ever mentioned was a man
named Grappa (Peter
Berling; MANHUNT - 1972), who
Vito goes to see and gets a little bit of information that helps him.
We then discover that the men holding Anna are the two men we saw get
off the train. They call Vito again and to show they mean business,
they make him listen while they slap Anna around. Vito tells them if
they hurt his wife, he won't go to the police, he'll hunt them down
and kill them.
Vito then has Milo brought to his office and punches him silly,
telling him that when he goes to the prison hospital, he will make it
easy for him to escape, only when Milo escapes, Vito takes him
prisoner at gunpoint and tells Milo that if he wants to live, he
better call his friends and he will make a trade with them, him for
his wife, but Milo still says he doesn't know what he is talking
about, he doesn't have any idea who these friends are, he buried his
only friend a couple of months ago. So begins this uneasy partner
ship, full of double and triple crosses, as Vito searches for his
wife while Milo tries to figure out who wants him released and why.
But the real question still remains this: Is Milo playing stupid or
does he really not know who kidnapped Vito's wife?
What the kidnappers don't count on is Vito being so stubborn and
unrelenting, not playing by the "rules". He refuses to turn
Milo over to the kidnappers until he has Anna safely back in his arms
and learns that the kidnappers are getting instructions from someone
else. The Inspector tries to help Vito by following the kidnappers
(telling Vito it feels good being a cop again), but he pays for it
with his life (they run them over with their car and pose the body
for Vito to find). The kidnapper's boss, Michel Granier, grows tired
of the kidnappers' brutal ways and "fires" them, taking
possession of Anna. Vito inches closer and closer to Anna, leading
him to a Frenchman named Joe Lacours (Steffen Zaccarias; THEY
CALL ME TRINITY - 1970), who hands Vito a magazine with a
photo of Al Niko on the cover, Milo knocks out Vito and Joe tells him
he must kill him, he knows too much, but Milo is no killer and
refuses to do it (even when the hard-headed Vito taunts him to do
it!). As Milo holds a gun to Vito, he says, "You're just like
those stupid bigots who think the confessional is the key to
goodness. For six days they sin and then get absolved on the
seventh." (Truer words were never spoken). He can't bring
himself to kill Vito because he never killed anyone in his entire
life, so he works with him instead, helping him uncover the truth.
While Vito was knocked out, Joe told Milo that Anna is in Paris with
Michel, so Milo and Vito
go there. What happens there I will leave for you to discover. I
have to leave you with something to witness for yourself, right?
This is a very good EuroCrime film, thanks to Oliver Reed's
no-nonsense performance (to say he doesn't suffer fools gladly is
putting it mildly!), Fabio Testi's role as a criminal with a heart
and capable direction by Sergio Sollima (THE
BIG GUNDOWN - 1966; FACE
TO FACE - 1967; RUN, MAN, RUN
- 1968; VIOLENT CITY -
1970; DEVIL IN THE BRAIN
- 1972), who co-wrote the twisty screenplay with Arduino Maiuri (MAN
WITH THE ICY EYES - 1971; THE
BIG RACKET - 1976) and Massimo De Rita (STREET
LAW - 1974; BLASTFIGHTER
- 1984). Half the fun of watching this film are the odd characters
Vito and Milo meet while searching for Anna, including Carlotta
(Paola Pitgora; PSYCHOUT
FOR MURDER - 1969), who smuggles people across the French
border and Al Niko, who we see filming an early music video
(pre-dating MTV by nearly ten years), whom we discover is one of
Milo's friends. Then things get very strange. We discover that the
friend Milo buried in the beginning of the film was actually Jean
Daniel Ogeire, so who was the body that Al identified as Jean Daniel
in the morgue? It turns out that Al is not only a famous pop star, he
runs another nefarious and highly illegal business on the side,
giving his "groupies" something to seriously worry about.
But the best aspect of this film is the relationship that develops
between Vito and Milo. It first starts out as a relationship of
mistrust, but slowly becomes one of mutual respect and they begin to
depend on each other (Milo also does a trick with a smoked cigarette
butt that I have never seen done before!). There's also one final
twist that I never saw coming, making this film a treat for lovers of
the EuroCrime genre.
Released to U.S. theaters under the title BLOOD
IN THE STREETS by Sam Sherman's Independent International
Pictures and also known as IN THE NAME OF LOVE, this also
received a U.S. VHS release
(under the BLOOD title) by Super
Video (owned by Sherman). An uncut widescreen DVD followed by
Blue Underground, but no Blu-Ray (at the time of this review). Amazon
Prime offers the film streaming in an uncut, anamorphic widescreen
print, dubbed in English (Oliver Reed dubs his own voice), free to
Prime members. Also featuring Calisto Calisti (FOUR
FLIES ON GREY VELVET - 1971), Marco Mariani (SLAUGHTER
HOTEL - 1971), Giovanni Pallavicino (COUNSELOR
AT CRIME - 1973), Ottavio Fanfani (GANG
WAR IN MILAN - 1973) and the prolific Carla Mancini (DEATH
SMILES ON A MURDERER - 1973). Rated R.
ROLF
(1983) - This charming bit of Italian action sleaze tells the
story of mercenary-turned-commercial pilot Rolf (Tony Marsina), who
is trying to put his past behind him, but circumstances won't let
him. A flashback reveals that the local police refuse to believe he
has changed his ways, so he is arrested and one of the cops shoves
his hand into a shit-filled toilet, wipes his hand on a wall and then
makes a remark to Rolf that he now won't have to be fingerprinted!
When a member of his former mercenary squad offers him $50,000 to fly
drugs out of the country, he refuses, which upsets his girlfriend
Joanna (Ketty Nicols). Rolf explains to her the reason he turned it
down was because when he was a kid he saw his prostitute mother die
of a hot shot administered by her pimp when she refused to trick for
him anymore (in another one of the film's many flashbacks). When
Rolf's entire former squad show up and beat the shit out of him and
then tell him if he won't fly for them, he'll fly for no one, a
battered Rolf passes out in the woods (they dislocate his knee, which
he painfully resets himself), where insects and leeches attack his
body (!) A worried Joanna reports him missing to the police, but they
refuse to look for him, so she goes looking for Rolf herself (after
nearly being raped by two thugs!) and finds him in the woods! After
finding out the next day that he's been fired from his job (Rolf:
"Why can't I fly for you anymore?" Boss: "Let's just
say I don't like your face!"), Rolf puts two-and-two together,
hijacks the plane with the shipment of drugs, pisses on them (!) and
tosses the drugs out of the plane. His former buddies don't take too
kindly to it, so they kidnap Joanna, make her strip in front of them
and take turns raping her. After they are done with her, they shoot
Joanna "dead center in the heart" (according to a cop at
the crime scene). When Rolf finds out about his girlfriend's brutal
gang rape and murder, he sends a message to his former buddies to
meet them in the forest, where the film turns into a FIRST
BLOOD clone (with Italian sensibilities). Rolf goes Rambo on
his former crew, hunting them down one-by-one, using spiked
boobytraps (are there any other kind?), explosions, gunfire and
hand-to-hand combat to achieve his retribution. When one of the
mercenaries escapes, Rolf must stay one step ahead of the police in
order to hunt down and kill his last nemesis. As you can tell
by my description, this action flick lacks logic of any kind, but
that's where this film's strength lies. Just when you think you've
seen it all, this film throws another head-scratching scene in your
direction. I was in hysterics when one of Rolf's former buddies
tortures another pilot (who was with Rolf when he hijacked the drug
plane), throwing boiling soup in his face, sticking his head into the
open flame on the stove and then shooting him in the head when he
refuses to give up Rolf's location. A couple of minutes later, as he
is walking out of the dead guy's apartment, the former buddy is
delivered a message telling him where to meet Rolf! Talk about bad
timing. Director/scripter Mario Siciliano (EVIL
EYE - 1975; THE PERFECT KILLER
- 1977; SKIN 'EM ALIVE -
1978), using his frequent pseudonym "Marlon Sirko" (all
other credits on the film are also Anglicized), doesn't offer much in
the way of heady dialogue (It doesn't get more thought-provoking
than, "Shut up, you bag of shit!"), but the film is bloody
as hell and a wild ride until the final third, when it turns into a FIRST
BLOOD rip-off. Still, it's an amazing Rambo clone, with
impalements, exploding bodies and Rolf screaming, "God, help
me!" after being shot in the hands. Whoever was in charge of the
dubbing has a hard time deciding whether the title character's name
is "Rolf" or "Ralph". There's also an amazing
flashback scene towards the finale showing Rolf's mercenary squad (in
their final mission together) shooting up an African village full of
innocent women and children. What's truly remarkable about it is when
they throw one African boy up in the air and shoot him like skeet
over and over! Rolf, of course, is appalled and manages to save some
of the other children. I also love how, for an action hero, Rolf
spends a good portion of his screen time crying, either over the loss
of a loved one or in pain. He even carries a photo of his dead hooker
mother in his wallet and cries when he looks at it! This is classic
Italian nonsense and worth searching out. The lyrics of the cheesy
title tune (sung by Chris J. King), goes, "Rolf, you've run out
of luck. Rolf, you've taken the road that leads to pain..." Days
later, I was still humming it! Also starring Tony Roccosta, Malcolm
Duff, Louis Walser, Cynthia Cindy and Nike Anderson. Available on VHS
from Mogul
Communications as THE LAST MERCENARY.
The print I viewed was sourced from a Greek-subtitled VHS tape. Also
available on a bootleg 10-film DVD compilation called MERCS
from those thieving bastards at VideoAsia. Now available streaming on
Amazon Prime (as THE
LAST MERCENARY). Not Rated.
ROME:
ARMED TO THE TEETH (1976) -
This is an excellent example of "Poliziotteschi" or Italian
"Tough Cop" film. Maurizio Merli stars as no-nonsense
Inspector Tanzi, who is tired of arresting people and them having
them go free due to Article 20 (a big problem in Italy at the time).
After he arrests crook Savelli (Biagi Pelligra) at an illegal
gambling operation, Tanzi is forced to set him free for lack of
evidence, only to have Savelli kill a bank guard during a robbery the
next day. Complicating matters is Tanzi's
court psychiatrist girlfriend, Anna (Maria Rosaria Omaggio). After
he arrests two teens for stealing a purse, she sets them free rather
than sending them to a reformatory. They end up getting killed the
next day when their scooter jumps a curb after they steal another
purse. Tanzi wants to create a special squad that deals with
criminals on their own terms, but his boss, Ruini (Arthur Kennedy),
refuses, so Tanzi and his partner, Inspector Caputo (Gian piero
Albertini), go out and look for Savelli on their own and break every
rule in the book. They start with one of Savelli's friends, a
hunchback butcher named Vincenzo Moretto (the crazy Tomas Milian).
When Moretto refuses to talk, even after Tanzi kicks him square in
the nuts (Moretto says, "If you was kicked in the balls, you'd
hurt too!" when Caputo asks why he is crying.), Tanzi plants
drugs on him and brings the hunchback to the station, where Tanzi and
Caputo work him over pretty good. Moretto tries to slit his wrists in
the station's bathroom, so Ruini demotes Tanzi (He screams to Tanzi,
"Can you see tomorrow's headline: Hunchback Battered By Vicious
Cop!"). Savelli kidnaps Anna and brings her to an auto junkyard,
where they rough her up and threaten to crush her in a junked car.
They set her free after giving her a single bullet to give to Tanzi
as a warning. Tanzi is forced to work in the Licencing Bureau issuing
permits, but during his lunch breaks and evenings he searches for
Savelli (He visits Moretto at his house during dinner and forces him
to swallow the bullet that Savelli gave Anna.). After killing a kid
who was involved in a brutal gang rape (The kid says to the victim,
"We're gonna ball you till you die!" and then sodomizes her
with a piece of wood), Tanzi finally gets the chance to confront
heroin dealer Tony Parenzo (Ivan Rassimov), Tanzi's oldest nemesis
and best friend of Savelli. When Moretto shoots Parenzo and frames
Tanzi for it, Tanzi offers his resignation to Ruini, but a hostage
situation at a bank involving Savelli offers Tanzi a chance at
redemption. While the narrative structure of this film is all
over the place, director Umberto Lenzi, who directed a whole crop of
these Poliziotteschis (GANG
WAR IN MILAN - 1973; ALMOST HUMAN
- 1974; SYNDICATE SADISTS
- 1975 [aka: RAMBO'S REVENGE];
VIOLENT NAPLES - 1976; THE
CYNIC, THE RAT & THE FIST - 1977; FROM
CORLEONE TO BROOKLYN - 1979; COP
TARGET -
1990) as well as giallos like SPASMO
(1974) and EYEBALL
(1975), does a good job of displaying Tanzi's justified rage at a
legal system that favors the criminals over the victims. Time after
time, we witness the criminals getting off easy (or suffering no
consequences at all) for their crimes, including murder. If it
weren't for Tanzi, most of these crooks would get off scott-free. One
still has to wonder if Tanzi's brutal tactics are responsible for
hunchback Moretto's later crimes in the film (You've got to hear his
story about crapping out the bullet that Tanzi made him swallow!), as
he was pretty rough on Moretto, trying to beat information out of him
that he never really had in the first place. Tomas Milian (ALMOST
HUMAN) is an absolute riot as Moretto. He is given the best
lines and his sudden change from helpless victim to bloodthirsty
murderer is simply amazing. I especially liked the scene where he
shoots a guy for not touching his hump for luck ("I bet you wish
you touched it now!") and when he hijacks an ambulance (He asks
a guy in the back where he is going. Before he has a chance to
answer, Moretto shoots him with a machine gun and says, "You're
going to the graveyard, that's where!). Maurizio Merli is the king of
the Italian tough cop genre, appearing in nearly a dozen of these
films, including VIOLENT ROME
(1975), VIOLENT NAPLES
(1976), A SPECIAL COP IN ACTION
(1976), MAGNUM COP (1978) and COVERT
ACTION (1978) before dying of a heart attack while playing
tennis at the age of 49 in 1989. His good looks (some say his
resemblance to actor Franco Nero is what made him so popular) and
tough demeanor serves the role very well. ROME: ARMED TO THE TEETH
was released under two titles in the U.S., both by Terry Levine for
his Aquarius Releasing
company. The first title was the straightforward BRUTAL
JUSTICE. The second title was ASSAULT
WITH A DEADLY WEAPON, which was extensively recut, scenes
shuffled around, new scenes added and the cast and credits totally
made up (the direction is credited to "Walter Gaines").
It's this version that made it's way to a U.S. video release in the
80's, as part of "Sybil Danning's Adventure Video" from U.S.A.
Home Video. Alfa Digital offers the uncut Italian release
(dubbed in English) on DVD in a beautiful widescreen print. Also
known as THE VIPER. Also starring
Aldo Barberito, Stefana Patrizi, Luciano Contenacci, Valentino Macchi
and Luciano Pigozzi (a.k.a. "Alan Collins", although he
uses his given name here, a rarity). An Alfa Digital DVD Release. Not
Rated. UPDATE: After a four
year hiatus, Grindhouse Releasing
has released this film on Blu-Ray, using the title THE
TOUGH ONES.
RUN
AND KILL
(1993) -
When Fatty (Kent Cheng) comes home and finds his wife screwing a
store owner, he leaves and gets stinking drunk at a bar. Too drunk to
understand what he is doing, he hires an assassin to kill his wife
(he tells the assassin that he wants to see his
wife dead......drunk, but the assassin doesnt hear the drunk
part). He wakes up in the gutter the next morning and goes home to
witness the brutal murder of his wife and her lover. Fattys
life begins to unravel, as he is questioned by the cops, blackmailed
by the assassin, sees his thriving business burn down and must flee
Hong Kong for mainland China. Fattys problems dont end
there as he is dragged down into the underbelly of society and is
forced to watch people being stabbed, dismembered and riddled with
bullets before he can get back his reputation. Fatty must transform
himself from a meek, frightened dweeb to a one man killing machine in
order to survive his ordeal. And what an ordeal it is. Many consider RUN
AND KILL
minor Hong Kong Cat. III exploitation, but it is far better than most
of the U.S. crap that is being released direct-to-video these days.
Kent Cheng gives a quiet, understated portrayal of an everyday man
who goes through hell and learns to survive. I dare you to watch the
scene involving Fattys daughter (who is tied up and set on fire
while Fatty watches helplessly)
and not feel affected. Youll root for him when he says enough
is enough and takes matters into his own hands. Revenge is sweet when
it is a dish not served cold. Good bloody effects and a complicated,
yet satisfying, storyline help round out this film. They sure
couldnt get away with making something like this in the good
ol United States. Directed by Billy Tang and co-starring Simon
Yam and Danny Lee. Subtitled in English. From Come On Film Co. Video. Not
Rated
due to some bloody violence and the aforementioned scene involving
Fattys daughter. Its now one of my favorites.
RUN
LIKE HELL (1995) - A real rare
one: A cheap SOV American-made post-nuke actioner making it's home
video debut on DVD. It's the year 2008 and the "planet has been
devastated by war and disease" (The filmmakers could have at
least tried to set this film in a more distant future, but I guess in
1995, it must have looked pretty hopeless for Earth and they figured
thirteen years was just enough time to destroy it. Christ, George
Bush Jr. wasn't even President yet!). In order to control the
population, the corrupt new world government has declared single
women a threat to society (I would have considered them a treat to
society!) and a bounty has been placed on all unattached women. When
captured, these chicks without a steady man are sent to special
prisons. At one such prison, the Warden (Robert "The Chin"
Z'Dar, who has never sunk lower, and I'm taking EVIL
ALTAR [1988] into consideration) watches contently on his
close circuit TV system as two topless prisoners take a shower. He
orders his guards to bring them to his office, where he degrades one
of them by bending her over his desk and threatening to rape her. Too
bad for the Warden that this was all a planned escape on the women's
part, as they knock him out and flee the prison with two other
topless prisoners (all of them wearing matching black g-strings)
after a short shotgun fight with some unlucky guards. The
four women find clothes (damn it!) and weapons at a guard outpost in
the desert and, after killing the two horny guards on duty, head for
the safety of Paradise City. After nearly getting raped by two goons
while they are sleeping in the desert, the women are saved by a black
clad ninja named Jag (Henry Olvera), who accompanies them on their
journey. The Warden hires bounty hunter Blade (Gil Cologne) and his
droid partner (co-scripter Robert Rundle [who directed the insane DIVINE
ENFORCER - 1991] in one of the cheapest robot costumes ever)
to bring the four escaped women back dead or alive, with a side order
of severe suffering if they are to die. Jag doesn't do a good job of
protecting the women, because in the very next scene, one of the
women is shot and killed by a bunch of mutants (one of them wearing a
pimp's fur coat!), so he teaches the remaining three women martial
arts and how to handle a sword (which, in this cheap film, means
showing a montage of the women doing push-ups, chin-ups and running
through the desert). After another one of the women is shot in the
back and killed, Jag and the last two women end up at a martial arts
tournament, where Jag fights a hulking masked mutant with a chainsaw
(the blade of the chainsaw never spins, yet the over-amped sound
effects wants you to believe otherwise). After defeating the mutant,
Jag and the girls make it to Paradise City (but we don't get to see
it) and the Warden is left to stew in his own juices. There's a
good reason why this "film" wasn't released until now. By
the looks of what my eyes have just witnessed, RUN LIKE HELL
looks to be an unfinished film or, at least, a film made by someone
without even basic filmmaking knowledge. Director Eric Brummer
(better known as porno director "Slain Wayne"; TERRORS
FROM THE CLIT - 2000; KUNG
FU GIRLS - 2001) can't be bothered with simple things like
continuity, as scenes begin and end with little or no rhyme or reason
(the shooting death of the first escaped prisoner is particularly
confusing) and the screenplay, by Rundle, Steven Stein and Alan Hall,
introduces too many characters and sub-plots to sustain interest (A
sub-plot involving a bounty tracker named John Steele rescuing a
woman from prison ends unceremoniously when they are both shot dead
in the desert). While this film has plenty of topless female nudity,
the overall cheapness of the production, with it's flat,
shot-on-video camerawork, hopeless acting ability of the cast (all
Z'Dar does is slap a baton repeatedly in his palm and leer at the
topless women on his TV monitors like some masturbatory loon) and
lame-ass action sequences (badly-staged and choreographed martial
arts and gun fights), makes me wonder if this "film" should
have ever seen the light of day. Some movies go unreleased for a
reason. Run like hell from RUN LIKE HELL unless you want to
experience the filmic equivalent of having bamboo chutes shoved under
your fingernails. Also starring Dree Lang, Colleen Corrigan, Liz
Davies and Elizabeth Prince as the four escapees and featuring
Frankie Maldonati, Janet Linnane, Anita DeFrancesco, Lisa Pret and
Jeff Rector. Available on DVD as part of RAREFLIX.COM
TRIPLE FEATURE VOL. 2 from Code
Red/Media Blasters.
There's a hidden Easter Egg commentary track featuring AVManiacs.com
reviewer Ian Jane, Media Blasters executive Richard York and DVD
author Dave Beinlich, where they drink King Cobra beer and crack wise
while the film is playing. It's funny as hell, so if you must watch
this film, do so with the commentary track turned on (It can be
accessed by clicking on the RareFlix.com logo in the Special Features
section on the DVD). Not Rated.
SAIGON
COMMANDOS (1987) - This film
spends little time addressing the Vietnam War, even though it takes
place in Saigon during the year 1970. This film spends most it's time
dealing with the exploits of a group of MPs, led by Sgt. Mark Stryker
(Richard Young; FINAL MISSION
- 1984), as they deal with a city that's so corrupt, it's nearly
impossible to get anything done. Sgt. Stryker
and his men not only contend with a serial killer dubbed the
"Hollowpoint Killer" by the press (due to the type of
bullet the killer uses), they also have to constantly keep the peace
between the American occupation and the locals who resent their
presence. Tensions are so bad, some locals slit the throat of Sgt.
Tim Bryant's (John Allen Nelson; KILLER
KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE - 1988) Vietnamese girlfriend while
he watches. The appearance of Associated Press reporter Jean Lassiter
(P.J. Soles; HALLOWEEN -
1978), who is assigned to ride along with Sgt. Stryker, only makes
his job more difficult. When the Hollowpoint Killer, who has murdered
ten Vietnamese locals, kills his first American victim, the pressure
is put on Sgt. Stryker to find him and find him fast. Complicating
matters is when Tim, who is grieving the loss of his girlfriend,
turns rogue and begins murdering locals in retribution. Not anonymous
locals, mind you, but prominent, influential locals. Sgt. Stryker,
who had an opportunity to bring Tim in, but let his personal
friendship with him get in the way, is framed by Col. Tranh (Joe Mari
Avellana) for the death of Stryker's commanding officer (Frederick
Bailey). When a lynch mob of locals try to grab Stryker as he is
taken into custody, he escapes with the help of Jean and some of his
MP buddies. He then sets out to clear his name, stop both Tim and the
Hollowpoint Killer and bring Col Tranh and his men down. To do that,
Stryker gathers all his Special Forces buddies together (he first has
to rescue them in the jungle while they are under heavy enemy fire)
and they then begin to lay waste to Saigon. When a nun and some
orphans are killed by a sniper, the locals blame Tim, but Stryker
knows better. The sniper is actually working for Col. Tranh, who is
also responsible for the Hollowpoint Killer. Col. Tranh hopes to get
the locals so riled up that they force all Americans out of Saigon.
The sniper then kills a bunch of Buddhists and tensions reach the
boiling point. When Jean is kidnapped, Stryker and his men swing into
action and save her. The finale takes place at an anti-American
rally, where Tim has the rally's leader, Nguyen HuuTri (Joonie
Gamboa), in his sights. Stryker must settle with Tim, the Hollowpoint
Killer and a corrupt political system all at the same time before the
film concludes. This is a halfway decent actioner that also
attempts to address the difficulties the American occupation had to
endure while living amongst people quite different than us during a
time of war. While far from perfect (there's evidence of
post-production tampering by adding narration by Richard Young to
walk us through some scenes, which were probably never finished or
didn't contain enough footage to survive without an added
explanation), director Clark Henderson (who also gave us the god-awful
WARLORDS FROM HELL
[1985] and the so-so PRIMARY
TARGET [1988]) at least tries to deliver something
different, mixing action, mystery, political intrigue, corruption and
racial tensions into a heady little brew. You've got to admire a film
that opens with a Vietnamese rock band (actually Filipino group
"The Eurasia Band") grooving to "House Of The Rising
Sun" and "Midnight Special" while a group of American
GIs (led by Nick Nicholson) and Vietnamese locals face-off in a bar.
The script, by Thomas McKelvey Cleaver (THE
SISTERHOOD - 1987; THE
TERROR WITHIN - 1988), is much more political than most
films in this genre and the backdrop of cultural differences does
manage to generate some genuine suspense. SAIGON
COMMANDOS also tries to play fair with both sides of the
political coin. Scripter Cleaver portrays the occupying American
forces and the native Vietnamese as flawed human beings with passions
that turn out tragically for both sides. Sure, there are villians
here, but most of them pay for their sins with their lives. Tim's
death is probably the film's most dramatic, kind of what law
enforcement calls "death by cop", where Tim leaves his
buddies no choice but to kill him, even though his sniper rifle is
out of ammunition. To Tim, this is a hero's death. He would rather
his friends kill him then spend the rest of his life in prison.
Director Henderson fills the film with plenty of bloody bullet squibs
(including scenes of children getting killed), explosions, chases and
nudity, so action fans will not be disappointed, but this film has
loftier ambitions than a straight-ahead action flick. Give it a try.
If I didn't know better, I would say that Filipino director/producer
Cirio H. Santiago had a hand in this (it's full of his people, both
in front and behind the camera), but his name is nowhere to be found
in the credits. Also starring Jim B. Jr., Spanky Manikan, Willie
Williams, Crispin Medina, Leo Martinez, Steve Rogers, Ronnie
Patterson, David Light and Jack Daniels. A Media
Home Entertainment Release. Not yet available on DVD. Rated R.
SAVAGE
INSTINCT (1989) - Holy crap!
I've seen some low-rent
action flicks in my time, but this one is absolutely anorexic.
The film opens with hulking, bald-headed drug manufacturer Mongo
(Brian Oldfield, who looks like Peter Boyle in YOUNG
FRANKENSTEIN - 1975!) putting a spiked leather headband on
his noggin and then head-butting a sweaty lab technician, killing him
(while his workers chant, "Do him! Do him!" over and over)
for dipping his nose in the company stash. We then meet widow Susan
Morris (Debra Sweaney), who is thinking of buying a house "out
in the sticks" and is going to check it out with a real estate
agent. They get a flat tire right by Mongo's drug operation, so he
chases them down in his pickup truck (Real Estate Agent: "We've
had it!" Susan: "Don't say that!"), kills the
real estate agent and takes Susan prisoner, where she is abused,
bitten and nearly raped twice (once by a woman!) until she escapes
and runs to the house of Mr. Wilson (J. Brown). Trouble is, Mr.
Wilson is in cahoots with Mongo, so he turns Susan back over to
Mongo, where she is tied-up again, nearly raped again and escapes
again. She hitches a ride with three horny teens, who try to rape her
before Mongo's men kill them
and recapture her again! Mongo tries to kill her with the spiked
headband, but she escapes again, by walking on top of the heads of
Mongo and his gang (as she runs away, she turns around to face Mongo,
grabs her crotch and yells out "Hey! Hey! Hey!" like Fat
Albert!). She steals a police car, runs down a few of the gang and
then decides she's had enough. Suddenly, she turns into a one-woman
termination squad, fashioning weapons from farm tools, changing her
appearance from a schoolmarm to a sex vixen and killing nearly all of
Mongo's gang with various edged weapons and a whip! She kills Mongo,
steals all his drug money and walks off into the sunset. I guess she
deserved something for all her troubles. Where do I begin to
explain just how awful this film really is? First off, Debra Sweaney
as Susan is simply a horrible actress. She seems to think that she's
acting in a comedy and her line delivery, where she is always talking
to herself and smiling (even when she's being attacked) is annoying
and amateurish (Watch the scene where she jumps in the car with the
three horny teens and tell me that she isn't one of the worst
actresses of all time.) It's embarrassing to watch. Since this was
directed/produced/scripted by Patrick G. Donahue, who also gave us
the unbelievable KILL SQUAD
(1981; his first and best film) and the so-bad-it's-good PAROLE
VIOLATORS (1994), you know what to expect here: Action
sequences on a dime store budget (including an obvious junked car
being used in a crash gag), amateur actors (including Donahue's
brother, Sean Donahue, as Mongo's right-hand man Terk) and cheap,
unconvincing gore effects. The finale, where Susan takes on various
members of Mongo's gang with her homemade weapons is so badly done,
it's not even good for unintentional entertainment value. Her first
opponent is Chang (Steven Lee), who warns Susan that he has had
fifteen years of martial arts training. Susan then shoves a spike
into Chang's foot and says "Ballet. Six months!" She
then throws two giant nails into Chang's eyes and he is so dishonored
by her actions that he pounds the nails deeper into his skull until
they protrude out of the back of his head! The film's lame attempt at
humor comes when Susan shoves a twig in the ear of a black gang
member who tries to rape her and he spends the rest of the film
saying "What?" every time some talks to him. Also, for a
film with so many attempted rapes (I think there were a total of
five), there is no nudity at all. That's like shooting yourself in
the foot, isn't it? Truly painful to watch, almost like a filmic
version of having a colonoscopy. Just like in Donahue's KILL SQUAD,
the lead villain is decapitated by an axe in the finale. Please,
please, please, do yourself a favor and pass on SAVAGE
INSTINCT unless you get off on watching paint dry. I think I
just gave paint a bad name. Troma Films
released this film (originally filmed as EDGE
OF FEAR) under the title THEY
CALL ME MACHO WOMAN. Enough said? Also starring Mike
Donohue, Roger Arildson, Jerry Johnson, Paul Henri and Sean
McCarty. An Action
International Pictures Home Video Release. Rated R.
SEARCH
AND DESTROY (1979)
-
Pretty good Canadian-made actioner. A crazed Vietnamese assassin
(Park Jong Soo) with a deformed hand begins killing American soldiers
across the United States years after the war ends. He's now in Niagra
Falls and when Kip Moore (Perry King) is notified by Police Captain
Fusqua (George Kennedy) that his business partner (and fellow squad
member) was found dead in his car, he contacts best friend (and also
a squad member) Buddy Grant (Don Stroud) and they begin an
investigation of their own. They at first think local mobster Ernie
Cappel (Rummy Bishop) may have something to do with it, but change
their minds when the assassin shoots and wounds Kip as he steps off
the Maid Of The Mist and then chases Buddy (after shooting him in the
leg) into a nearby power plant and
beats the crap out of him before the police arrive. Buddy is hurt
badly and hospitalized and Kip tells Captain Fusqua that the assassin
use to be part of his squad until they were ambushed and they were
forced to leave him behind. It looks like he has returned for some
payback. Fusqua and his men tail Kip in hopes of catching the
assassin in the act, but he is much too smart for that. Kip visits
Buddy in the hospital and learns that Buddy is going to be a
quadraplegic for the rest of his life. He begs Kip to kill him, but
Kip doesn't want to do it until Buddy has some time to think about
it. The assassin kidnaps Kip's girlfriend and leaves a note (as well
as a dead cop) for Kip to meet him alone and settle the score (When
one of Fusqua's men wants to set up a stakeout, Kip says, "See
to your dead and leave me alone!"). Kip gets ready for battle by
arming himself to the teeth. He manages to turn the tables and makes
the assassin the prey after rescuing his girlfriend. The final
battleground turns out to be a busy city block where innocent
pedestrians are killed before Kip and the assassin fight it out on
the rooftops and then in a wooded city park. The war is on!
Grittily directed by Canadian genre vet William Fruet (DEATH
WEEKEND - 1976; FUNERAL
HOME - 1980; SPASMS
- 1982; and many others), this film is different from most action
films because it paints a sympathetic picture for both sides. Kip
just wants to forget about the war, but he knows it is impossible
(his dreams won't let him) and the assassin can't forget about it
until he gets total revenge on the soldiers responsible for leaving
him behind and letting the enemy torture him, his mangled hand a
constant reminder of the pain he endured. Fruet and screenwriter Don
Enright don't play favorites as can be seen in the scene where Kip
tries to explain the war to his girlfriend Kate (Tisa Farrow, who
made ZOMBIE a short time
later), which is intercut with the assassin looking at his war
scrapbook and praying to a photo of Jesus. The scene between Kip and
a paralyzed Buddy in the hospital is heart-wrenching and is another
unusual thing in a film like this (even though the paralysis angle is
never resolved). The Niagra Falls locations are used to good effect,
especially the Maid Of The Mist/power plant and city block/park
scenes. Although the film is rated PG, this is not kid's stuff. The
material is adult and engrossing without being bloody. Put this on
your list of action must-sees. Also starring Tony Sheer, Phil Aikin,
Daniel Buccos and a wax figure of Telly Savalas as Kojak. Also known
as STRIKING BACK.
Available on VHS from Astral Video (Canada) and Vestron
Video (U.S.A.). Also available on DVD
as part of a double feature (with THE
GLOVE - 1978) from Dark
Sky Films. Rated PG.
SFX
RETALIATOR (1987) - A robbery at
a shipping yard results in a shootout where many people are killed.
In retaliation, there is another shootout at a restaurant, courtesy
of crimeboss Morgan (Gordon Mitchell), who is looking to take over
the territory. Morgan's new girlfriend, Doris (Linda Blair) steals a
briefcase with a million dollars in it out of Morgan's safe, which
leads to a car chase in which Doris' car is disabled. Doris flags
down Steve Baker (Christopher Mitchum), who happens to be in the
wrong place at the right time. After fooling Morgan's men with a fake
hand grenade, Steve and Doris get away. Luckily, Steve is a movie
special effects technician and it will come in handy later on. Doris
delivers the money to Morgan's rival Mancini (David Light) and we
learn that Doris hates Morgan because he killed her father when she
was a child (she witnessed it). Morgan orders his men to pick up
Steve, so they go to his house, rough up his wife
Kate (Christine Landson) and kidnap her when they realize Steve is
not home. Morgan gives Steve 72 hours to return Doris and the money
to him or his wife will be killed. Steve begins searching the town
for Doris with very little luck until a bartender who Steve questions
calls Mancini. Soon, Steve has Mancini's men gunning for him, but he
tricks his house with pyrotechnics and special effects, including a
remote control pickup truck, which he uses to follow the thugs back
to Mancini's home. Steve kidnaps Doris and then finds himself in a
whole new pickle. Mancini's men try to stop him from delivering Doris
to Morgan, using a rocket-firing helicopter, but Steve shoots it down
with a grenade launcher (in one of the film's cheesier effects). He
delivers Doris to Morgan, but Morgan refuses delivery because Doris
doesn't have the money she stole from him. Morgan gives Steve and
Doris three hours to return the money or Kate dies. They must now go
back to Mancini's house and steal the money. Stealing the money is
easy (maybe too easy) and Steve makes the trip back to Morgan, not
aware that Mancini switched the money with counterfeit bills and has
shot and killed Doris for her treachery. This is not going to be a
pleasant day for Steve and Kate. This Philippines-lensed film,
a Silver Star Film Company production directed by Jun Gallardo (RESCUE
TEAM - 1983; COMMANDO INVASION
- 1986), using his "John Gale" pseudonym, is a decent
enough diversion, but it is missing much of those wild action
setpieces that we come to expect from films of this type. Chris
Mitchum is, of course, stiff as a ten day-old corpse, but we don't
watch these films for his acting ability, do we? He makes a
serviceable action hero and I especially liked the scene where he
rescues his wife, they make love and she screams out
"Action!" just as she reaches climax (while a "best
of" compilation of Steve's best special effects explosions are
spliced-in to represent her pleasure!). Speaking of explosions, there
are plenty here, as we are shown Steve blowing up stuff in a film he
is working on (a Vietnam War film), his truck is tricked-out with
hidden machine guns and grenade launchers and he even blows up his
own house as a diversion for Morgan's men! There are also plenty of
gunfights, a real sappy song plays on the sountrack while Steve
searches for Doris (the lyrics repeat the phrase, "Get my baby
back" over and over), Gordon Mitchell has a role here that isn't
a glorified cameo (like most of his 80's roles) and most of the cast
can't seem to remember if Steve's last name is "Baker" or
"Becker", as they use both, sometimes in the same scene! SFX
RETALIATOR contains enough weirdness, including the death of
Steve's wife, even after all they've been through together and
Steve's homemade tank (you gotta see it!), which he uses in the
finale to destroy Morgan's property (Morgan calls the police and
says, "No, not thanks, tank! T-A-N-K!") to make this
worthwhile viewing. It's no FINAL SCORE
(1986) but, hell, what is? At least Gordon Mitchell blows up real
nice. Also starring Dave Petterson, Warren McLean, Don Holden and
Paul Perry. The version I view was a DVD-R ripped from a
Japanese-subtitled VHS tape. Picture quality was very good. Not Rated.
SGT.
CLARIN: BULLET FOR YOUR HEAD (1990) -
Another wild Filipino actioner with too many "What The
Fuck?!?" moments to process in one viewing. The film opens with
a bar fight (what else?), where Danny Clarin (Max Laurel; ROBOWAR
- 1988) tries to stop a drunk American from fondling a female dancer
on stage. This turns into a melee where Danny has to beat the crap
out of three guys (at one point, Danny and a brawny fighter get into
a ball-grabbing competition!). Immediately after the fight, Danny is
introduced to a military man and he instantly
joins the Marines! After a basic training montage (where Danny excels
at every task), the film switches to a bunch of guerilla rebels
holding an American soldier captive at their base camp (he has two
live grenades tied around his neck by a piece of twine while live
ants crawl all over his body!). The Marines lay siege to the rebels'
camp, with Danny blowing the crap out of anyone and anything in his
way, eventually rescuing the American soldier after cleaving the
rebel commander's head in two with a sword. After being wounded in
battle, Danny is promoted in rank to Sergeant and gets to lead his
own platoon. When Danny's brother is killed and his mother is put in
the hospital by the goons of a local crimelord, Danny asks for a
leave of absence from his superiors, but is turned down because they
are on "triple red alert". Seeing that his mother is a
basketcase (she witnessed Danny's brother being viciously gunned
down), Danny goes AWOL to get his revenge. He is framed for the
assassination of the town's mayor, so Danny becomes a one-man hit
squad, killing all the crimelord's goons, by crossbow, gunfire and
even decapitation before he finally blasts the crimelord to kingdom
come. Danny then gets married to his childhood sweetheart Mary
(Monica Herrera) and talks his platoon into secretly helping him in
ridding the area of the rebels who have been raiding and murdering
the people of his and neighboring villages. When the rebels take
Danny's entire village hostage and demand that Danny give himself up
in trade (or they will kill a hostage every twenty minutes), he has
no choice but to turn himself over to the rebels. After being
brutally tortured, Danny is rescued by his platoon. They then steal
an APC and head towards the rebel's base camp, where Danny throws the
rebel leader in a water-filled cage, followed by a two-grenade
chaser. The finale finds Danny and his AWOL platoon making a decision
to surrender to the Marines. Danny, with the help of new wife Mary,
makes a deal to surrender, but a series of miscommunications and
unfortunate events leads to the death of Danny's entire platoon and
Danny himself (while clutching a baby, no less!) by the Marines. Mary
arrives just in time to hear Danny sa
y,
"I love you!" one more time before he croaks. Cue the
angelic choir (literally). This off-the-wall Filipino actioner
is nothing more than one bloody vignette after another. Every 15
minutes or so, the film switches to a new storyline (some plot
points, like the search for hidden gold, are completely dropped
without ever being resolved) and a different direction, the only
connecting link being Danny and his need to kill someone or blow
something apart. The film is bloody as hell, as people are shot in
the head, riddled with bullets, stabbed, impaled (one poor rebel is
impaled on a long pole and dragged across the ground by Danny) and
decapitated (there is a lot of violence to people's heads here). The
English dubbing is truly atrocious, the funniest example being that
the dubbers changed Danny's last name from "Clarin" to
"Clark", totally ignoring the title of the film! This film
also has a slight religious subtext to it, as there is a lot of talk
of Heaven, Hell and having faith in God, but actor-turned-director
Willie Dado (this is his only directorial effort), working with a
script by Leleng Ubaldo Jr., has no problem showing scenes of bloody
torture (Danny is sliced repeatedly with a knife and then thrown into
a stagnant, water-filled cage), horrendous deaths or having a bad guy
press a gun to a baby's head. This mindless, gory actioner is a treat
for fans of Filipino action cinema and gets my highest
recommendation. Grab it if you're lucky enough to locate a copy. If
star Max Laurel looks familiar to Filipino movie fans, it's probably
because he essayed the title role in ZUMA
(1985) and it's sequel ZUMA
2: HELL SERPENT (1987). Also starring Romy Diaz, Lola
Rodriguez, Orestes Ojeda, Charlie Davao, Ruel Vernal, Ramon (Boy)
Bagatsing, Tony Bernal, Rommel Valdez and Alex DeLeon. Made by
popular Filipino production company Regal International, Inc., who
were better known for making sex comedies and film parodies with
titles like SMITH & WESSON
(1988), STARZAN:
SHOUTING STAR OF THE JUNGLE (1989) and SUPERMOUSE
AND THE ROBORATS (1989), all directed by Tony Reyes. The
print I viewed was sourced from a pretty sharp fullscreen
Japanese-subtitled VHS tape. This has not had a legitimate U.S. home
video release in any format, but what's so unusual about that? Wake
up, America! This is exactly the kind of shit we need to see! Not Rated.
SILENT
ACTION (1975) - Readers of
this site know that I consider director Sergio Martino a master of
his craft, no matter what genre he is working in (See my review of THE
VIOLENT PROFESSIONALS [1973] for titles), but it's his '70s
Eurocrime films I admire the most, which includes PROFESSIONALS,
GAMBLING CITY (1975), THE
SUSPICIOUS DEATH OF A MINOR (1975) and this film, a
wonderfully complex amalgam of treachery, mystery and false
identities, done with style and finesse as only Martino could
deliver, giving us a healthy dose of female nudity, graphic violence
and non-stop action.
With Martino at the helm, they don't get much better than this, so
enough ass-kissing, let's get to the film.
The film opens with the deaths of three high-ranking military
officials, all of them cold-blooded murders, but staged to look like
accidents or suicides. The first to die is Major Antonio Lorusso
(actor unknown), who has the brakes on his car tampered with causing
his car to roll several times and crash into a tree (stylishly done)
when he tries to avoid a collision with a truck. The next to die is
Colonel Giulio Scanni (cameo king Tom Felleghy; DAMNED
IN VENICE - 1978), who is knocked-out by two thugs, placed
in his office chair, has a gun put in his hand and pulls the trigger,
shooting him in the head and making it look like a suicide. General
Eugenio Stocchi (Giovanni Di Benedetto; NAKED
YOU DIE - 1968) is the next victim, as we watch three goons
place his unconscious body on railroad tracks, where an oncoming
train runs him over, cutting off his head (His decapitated head flies
directly into the camera, spraying blood all over the lens. I wonder
how many times it took to achieve this bloody effect, since it was
much too early for CGI?).
We then see Police Inspector Giorgio Solmi (Luc Merenda; KIDNAP
SYNDICATE - 1975) and his assistant, Lt. Luigi Caprara
(Michele Gammino; CONFESSIONS
OF A POLICE CAPTAIN - 1971), arrive at the house of a murder
victim, an electrician named Salvatore Chiarotti (Giancarlo Badessi; HOW
TO KILL A JUDGE - 1974), who had his head caved in with
three swings of a fireplace poker and there's a bunch of 10,000 lire
bills and bank wrappers scattered on the floor. Solmi wonders how a
simple electrician could afford such an expensive, elegant home in a
gated community. Then District Attorney Mannino (Mel Ferrer; EATEN
ALIVE! - 1980) arrives at the crime scene. A new law was
recently passed that put the D.A.'s office in charge of homicides and
when they learn from the community's guard that Chiarotti had a
female visitor last night around midnight, Mannino tells Solmi to
find her. Solmi is a damn good investigator, who discovers that
Chiarotti was not just an electrician, he was also a private
investigator. Solmi also deduces that Chiarotti's midnight female
visitor was a prostitute, leading him and Luigi to a whorehouse run
by Baronessa Grimani (Clara Colosimo; VAMPIRE
IN VENICE - 1988), who acts all cultured and proper until
Solmi threatens to send her to prison for using underage girls; then
she begins swearing like a truck driver (It's quite funny). Under
pressure from Solmi and Luigi, the Baronessa tells them that the
prostitute's name that visited Chiarotti is Giuliana Raimondi, a.k.a.
"La Tunisina" ("The Tunisian"), giving Solmi her
address. When Solmi and Luigi arrive at Giuliana's apartment, Solmi
catches a whiff of gas, but he is unable to stop Luigi from ringing
the doorbell in time, which results in the door blowing off its
hinges. Luckily, Solmi and Luigi escape harm and when they enter the
apartment, they find Giuliana (Paola Tedesco; WATCH
ME WHEN I KILL - 1977) unconscious on the floor, her wrists
cut in an apparent suicide. They also discover an open dresser drawer
full of 10,000 lire bills. Solmi is able to save Giuliana's life and
at the hospital D.A. Mannino orders Solmi to arrest Giuliana for
murder; as far as he's concerned, the case is closed. Solmi has
another opinion, thinking that it is all just a little too pat; it is
obvious that Giuliana is being set up and couldn't possibly be the
murderer, because a woman her size couldn't possibly cave a man's
head in with three swings of a fireplace poker. Giuliana tells Solmi
she didn't try to commit suicide, saying someone entered her
apartment, knocked her out, slit her wrists and put money in her
dresser drawer to make her look like the murderer. She says she saw
the man who killed Chiarotti (he is a paid assassin known on the
street as "Massu" [Antonio Casale; AUTOPSY
- 1973]) and saw him take a bag full of money (Shown in flashback,
Massu chasing Giuliana out of the house and firing his silencer-equipped
pistol at her, but she managed to escape in her car). Mannino
doesn't believe Giuliana, but Solmi does, proving his theory at a
restaurant with part-time girlfriend Maria (Delia Boccardo; SHOOT
FIRST, DIE LATER - 1974, also with Merenda), a newspaper
reporter working on the story of the military officials' deaths. He
has Maria take three swings at a squash with a cricket bat, but she
is unable to break it open. Solmi does with just one swing.
Solmi is sure there is more to the story, so he has Luigi and
Detective Luca (Gianfranco Barra; EXECUTION
SQUAD - 1972) stakeout Chiarotti's house and they discover a
man using a key to open the front door and enter a secret room in the
house, which is full of recording equipment. He takes a reel of
audiotape and Luigi and Luca arrest him (after a short fight), taking
him to police headquarters, where Solmi questions him. The man says
he is a law enforcement official named Remo Ortolani (Carlo
Alighiero; THE CAT O'
NINE TAILS - 1971), who works for the Special Information
Branch, headed by Captain Mario Sperli (Tomas Milian; SYNDICATE
SADISTS - 1975), showing Solmi his badge and credentials.
Solmi is certain he is lying and pays Captain Sperli a visit, where
he tells Solmi the man is lying, his credentials are an obvious
forgery. Captain Sperli wants to talk to Remo and Solmi agrees, but
he believes Sperli is not telling him the whole truth. Maybe the reel
of audiotape Remo stole holds clues to Chiarotti's murder? Solmi, who
previously listened to the tape (It contained General Stocchi giving
a man named Rienzi a list or coordinates and telling him to put
"Operation Alpha 3" into effect), sent it to the D.A.'s
office as evidence, but when he tries to listen to it again, it is
blank, as if it were magnetically erased. D.A. Mannino doesn't take
Solmi's accusation that he or someone in his office erased the tape
too kindly, saying it could have easily been done by someone in
Solmi's department, that is if there was anything on the tape to
begin with. The bigger question is this: What does all this have to
do with the deaths of the military personnel?
Captain Sperli talks to Remo in prison with Solmi in the room and
Remo says he wasn't trying to steal any particular tape, but any reel
he could get his hands on. He knew Chiarotti because they were both
in the same "business" together. He was hoping to get some
dirt on whoever was on the tape and blackmail them to make some easy
money. Captain Sperli tells Solmi that his agency is investigating
General Stocchi's "suicide' and praises Solmi to D.A. Mannino,
but in the same breath says he wants Solmi to turn over all his files
on this case because it involves the General and Mannino agrees,
making Solmi very unhappy.
Solmi and Luigi continue their investigation by questioning the wife
of oil millionaire Mr. Martinetti (Claudio Gora; SEVEN
BLOOD-STAINED ORCHIDS - 1972), whose name was in Chiarotti's
address book. It turns out Mrs. Martinetti (Loredana Nusciak; NO
WAY OUT - 1973) hired Chiarotti to get dirt on her
millionaire husband when she learned he was divorcing her ("The
best defense is a good offence, like they say. As my husband's a
millionaire, I did what I had to."). It turns out Chiarotti was
an awful private eye, as Mr. Martinetti caught him in the act, but
then he decided to abandon the divorce. Solmi questions Mr.
Martinetti on the golf course and he calls Chiarotti a "dirty
little blackmailer" who, instead of turning over the
incriminating audio tape to his wife, he offered to sell it to him,
figuring he'll get more money that way. Mr. Martinetti paid Chiarotti
two million lire, but he tells Solmi it was no big deal, just part of
the life of a millionaire.
We then see Massu and his nameless associate (Carlo Gaddi; KILL
THE POKER PLAYER - 1972) dressed as orderlies, who enter
Giuliana's hospital room, knock-out the cop who is guarding her and
inject her with a sedative, wheeling her unconscious body out of the
hospital on a gurney, killing two cops with machine guns when they
try to stop them from leaving. Solmi tells Mannino in the hospital
that this proves that Chiarotti was killed by hired professionals,
not by Giuliana and Mannino agrees, but what he doesn't agree with
are Solmi's methods, blaming him for Giuliana's kidnapping. Solmi
blames Mannino, saying his office refused his request for extra
officers on this case. Solmi says now is the time to sweat Remo for
the truth if they hope to get Giuliana back alive, but Mannino says
he released Remo from custody because he didn't have enough
sufficient evidence to hold him. Solmi arrests up a disguised Remo at
the airport and as he and Luigi are driving him back to headquarters,
a motorcycle cop pulls them over for speeding, only it's not really a
cop at all, as he pulls out a silencer-equipped pistol and shoots
Remo in the head and then shoots the police radio in the car,
disabling it. Solmi and Luigi give chase, but they are chased by
Massu in another car. Solmi shoots the fake cop off his motorcycle,
but Massu picks him up and another chase ensues, where Solmi's car
overturns and the bad guys get away.
Massu and his associate tell Giuliana that if she confesses to
Chiarotti's murder, she will do no more than six years in prison and
when she is released, there will be a hundred million lire waiting
for her in a Swiss bank account. They give her one day to think about
it, but when Massu leaves Giuliana alone with his associate to guard
her, she uses her female charms to seduce him. As they are doing the
dirty on a bed, she grabs his gun, shoots him and escapes. She finds
a phone booth at a closed gas station and phone Solmi, who tells her
to stay put, he'll be right there. As soon as she hangs up the phone,
she is strangled to death by Massu, but he doesn't know that Giuliana
has left Solmi a clue to her killer, writing the name
"Massu" in the phone book in the booth. This leads Solmi to
discover Massu's real name, which is Giovanni Andreassi (Solmi had no
idea who Massu was until this moment). An all points bulletin (APB)
goes out for Massu's capture and an undercover cop, dressed as a bum,
sees him enter a bar and radios Solmi. After a short foot chase
(where Massu kills a cop), Solmi disarms and beats the shit out of
Massu. Under questioning, Massu confesses to killing Chiarotti and
Giuliana, but says he was just following orders from his boss...Mr.
Martinetti. Martinetti was involved in something very big and
Chiarotti was blackmailing him because of it, so he ordered Massu to
kill him, but Giuliana was an unfortunate victim, being in the wrong
place at the wrong time. The only problem is, Solmi is having trouble
arresting Martinetti thanks to D.A. Mannino's constant interference,
telling Solmi it will take more than a confession by a hired killer
to arrest someone as important as Martinetti.
When Massu is murdered in a fake prison riot, all but destroying any
hope of arresting Martinetti, Mannino decides to go to Solmi's side,
tired of all the senseless deaths in this criminal case, but when
Detective Luca is killed when he starts up Solmi's car in the police
parking lot and it explodes, it proves no one can be trusted, not the
cops, not the D.A.'s office, no one. And just who is this Rienzi,
whose name keeps popping up throughout
the film? Think you have an idea what is going on here? Is D.A.
Mannino somehow involved in all this? You'll have to watch the film
for the answers, but the clues are in this review. Like most
Eurocrime films, there is a bittersweet finale, which opens up a new
can of worms, but you'll have to watch very closely to pick it up.
Once again, Sergio Martino is able to coax a great performance from
Luc Merenda, giving him some off-the-cuff dialogue that is quite
funny (He tells Luca to save the "fuck you's" until he
leave the area after he reneges on Luca's deal for a day off with his
kids). The screenplay, by Martino, Massimo Felisatti (THE
MANIAC RESPONSIBLE -1975), Fabio Pittorru (THE
NIGHT EVELYN CAME OUT OF THE GRAVE - 1971) and producer
Gianfranco Couyoumdjian (TORNADO:
THE LAST BLOOD - 1983) is full of little funny asides, most
of them coming out of Merenda's mouth (A close second is Gianfranco
Barra as Luca, who has some very choice and funny lines, making his
death that much more shocking). The truth is, Merenda was a hit or
miss actor, the misses being his roles in Fernando De Leo's NICK
THE STING (1976) and Joe D'Amato's TOUGH
TO KILL (1978), but Martino knew what it took for Merenda to
turn in memorable performances, also using him in the previously
mentioned THE
VIOLENT PROFESSIONALS and GAMBLING
CITY, as well as TORSO
(1973; my favorite giallo film of all time). The fact is, this is an
excellent Eurocrime film, full of Martino's patented directorial
flourishes, violent and graphic deaths and a damn good mystery to
boot, as well as some excellently choreographed action set pieces,
including a raid on a mercenary camp in the finale, where Luigi
tosses hand grenades from a helicopter, while Solmi chases
"Rienzi" on foot, which results in a gunfight to the death.
If you want to be thoroughly entertained for 98 minutes, this film is
a great choice.
Shot as LA POLIZIA
ACCUSA: IL SERVIZIO SEGRETO UCCIDE (If I translated this
title, it would give away Rienzi's real identity!) and also known as I
ACCUSE and CHOPPER SQUAD, this film failed to obtain a
theatrical or home video release in any physical format in the United
States. It is available streaming on Amazon Prime in a nice
anamorphic widescreen print, dubbed in English. If you aren't a Prime
member, it can also be found streaming on YouTube from user
"Eurocrime Realm", also in widescreen and dubbed in
English. Also featuring Claudio Nicastro (LIVE
LIKE A COP, DIE LIKE A MAN - 1976), Arturo Dominici (CASTLE
OF BLOOD - 1964), Franco Giornelli (PROBABILITY
ZERO - 1969), Fortunato Arena (A
SPECIAL COP IN ACTION - 1976) and Sergio Martino in a quick
cameo as a helicopter pilot. Not Rated.
SKYSCRAPER
(1995) - Unbelievably bad action film that is basically a vanity
project for the late Anna Nicole Smith (who was also an associate
producer on this). It's quite obvious that she has a screen presence
(she even does a nude shower scene in the first 15 minutes), but as
soon as she opens her mouth to speak, it's easy to see she can't act
a lick and her slurred speach shows that, even back in 1995, she had
a prescription pill problem. To stretch credibility even further,
Anna Nicole plays a commercial helicopter pilot (aw, c'mon!) named
Karen who
unwittingly gets in the middle of a terrorist's plot when they take
over a highrise building. Yes, this is a gender-reversal rip-off of DIE
HARD (1988) and is only recommended for those who like to
watch tragic train wrecks. The train wreck is, of course, Anna Nicole
Smith and watching her try to act is truly a painful experience for
the viewer (she literally cannot walk and chew gum at the same time,
which is never more evident when she tries to run with a gun in her
hands). While the film is very violent (hardly a minute goes by
without someone getting shot, beat up or blown up), most of the film
lifts scenes and characters verbatim from DIE HARD, from Anna
Nicole's close call while swinging off the side of the skyscraper and
crashing through a window in the nick of time, only to almost be
pulled back out the window by the weight of the object falling from
the other end of the cable and the fact that some of the terrorists
have long blond hair and speak with a German accent. There's also the
co-worker that offers to bring Karen in for his freedom (only to be
shot dead), the gun-shy security guard (substituting for Reginald Vel
Johnson's cop) who uses his gun to save Karen's life and many other
instances which would give the makers of DIE HARD more than
enough evidence to sue for copyright infringement. There's a subplot
where Karen's detective husband Gordy (Richard Steinmetz) breaks into
the skyscraper trying to save her (In the beginning, she yells at
him, "I want a baby!" after they make love in the shower,
in one of the film's creepier moments), but it goes nowhere. Director
Raymond Martino (DAVINCI'S
WAR
- 1993; TO THE LIMIT -
1995, also starring Anna Nicole and made back-to-back with this)
tries to keep the film moving at a brisk pace, but the sad fact is
that whenever Anna Nicole is on screen, the film grinds to a
screeching halt. This film is just a sad reminder of what the
public's idea of what a celebrity is. Instead of holding Ms. Smith in
high regard, we should have been getting her some much-needed help
for her addictions. Unfortunately, SKYSCRAPER
is a testament to her celebrity and will always be here to remind us
what a tragic figure she really was. To get our minds off how truly
bad she was as an actress, she gets naked three times here, including
a rape attempt and a romantic flashback. This is a rare misfire for
producers Richard Pepin and Joseph Merhi, made during their
"Golden Period" of PM Entertainment, when they were turning
out winners like RAGE (1995) RIOT
(1996) and many others. Also starring Branko Cikatic, Calvin Levels,
Jonathan Fuller and Lee DeBroux. A PM Entertainment Release. Rated R.
SLOW
BULLET (1988)
- Here's something you don't see every day: A SOV war film. It's
not listed in any of the reference books. Hell, it's not even on the IMDB.
There's a reason for that. Just like it's title, SLOW BULLET
is the deadly-slow story of Buddy (Jim Baskin), an ex-GI
who suffers from nightmares from his stint in the Vietnam War. It's
apparent to see from the opening shot that it is going to take some
heavy intestinal fortitude to get through the entire film. A
flashback (which looks like it was filmed in someone's back yard
[actually Tennessee and Florida]) shows Buddy cheating death when a
V.C.'s (Quan Nguyen T) gun fails to discharge and he shoots the gook.
He saves the faulty bullet and wears it around his neck. Sixteen
years later, he's a chain-smoking, drug-addicted, drunken bum who
obsesses over his time in Nam (and particularly, one episode during
the end of his tour), talking about it to himself in his dingy room,
arguing about it with his girlfriend (Lisa Leonard) or commiserating
over it with his uncaring shrink (Vic "Bruno" Akers), who
keeps interrupting the sessions to take personal phone calls. Buddy
has hallucinations of the gook raping and killing his girlfriend and
spray paints a scope sight on his cinderblock bedroom wall. He keeps
ranting to himself while taking sips from his booze bottle (and badly
superimposed stock footage of the war is projected on his face). It
gets to the point that you hope that bullet he wears around his neck
would spontaneously explode, so there would be a premature ending to
this film. Alas, the cycle of Buddy ranting to himself, his shrink,
his girlfriend and having flashbacks are repeated over and over until
the film ends a long 95 minutes later. If there is a moral to this
film, it is this: If you are part of a platoon who rape and kill
innocent gook women during the war, don't expect your girlfriend to
come out unscathed in the present. It's hard to describe what
one feels when watching this film. It's apparent the novice director
Allen Wright and screenwriter Kenneth Ward (who both have roles as
soldiers in Buddy's platoon) were trying to make a serious statement
about the plight of Vietnam vets that came home to an uncaring public
(as demonstrated by the shrink), but damn, it's hard to take this
seriously, especially when some hair metal bands' (Convicted and
Vandetta) music keeps popping up on the sountrack. The lyrics to
their original songs are way out of place (one song repeats the
chorus: "Bang, Bang, You're Dead. You're Fucking Dead!")
and the ballad ("Still Waiting") that plays during the
scene where Buddy is first making love, then fighting, with his
girlfriend, is so far over the top that you forget you're watching a
war film. Toss in endless dialogue scenes, solarized shots (a
favorite with SOV films because the button is right there on the
video camera, begging to be pushed), endless flashbacks (are there
maple trees in Vietnam?) and that tinny live sound that comes with
shooting on video, and you have one hard-to-find film that deserves
to stay that way. It felt like it lasted longer than the actual war.
This is another one of those films that my friend William Wilson
likes to send to me. I'm beginning to think he finds satisfaction in
torturing me. Also starring Steadman Stahl and Tony Akers. A
Phoenix Associates Distributors/Mama's Home Video/Rest Area
Productions Home Video Release. Not Rated.
SPECIAL
SILENCERS (1979) - Oh my God!
This is one of the most outrageously insane action/fantasy films I
have ever had the pleasure to view. This is one funny Indonesian
film, thanks to whoever was responsible for the hilarious dubbing and
the unusual screenplay (by Deddy Armand). The story is simple:
Conniving crook Gundar (Dicky Zulkamaen, who gets to spout the best
lines) wants to be mayor of the town. The only problem is that there
already is a mayor and he is bringing a special cop into town to
investigate some funny business that is going on. Luckily Gundar has
these red pills he keeps in a small box around his neck. They are
called "Special Silencers" and he stole them from his monk
grandfather (but not before his grandfather cut off his right leg
right below the knee!). When injested, the silencers grows plants in
the person's stomach and branches burst out of the chest, mouth and
eyes. Gundar (who has skin made of steel thanks to a practice he
learned from his grandfather) takes a meeting with the mayor and puts
one of the red pills into the mayor's coffee when he's not looking. A
couple of minutes later, the mayor is lying on the floor screaming
while plants shoot out of his stomach,
mouth and eyes (I guarantee that you will be shocked as well as
laugh). Gundar has his henchmen destroy the bridge leading into town
to stop the special cop from making it into town. With the cop is the
mayor's daughter Julia (Eva Arnez) and they both meet Hendra (Barry
Prima), who stops on his motorcycle to help Julia and the cop (who is
her Uncle) refill their car's radiator with water. All three stop at
the bridge and Hendra goes on his motorcycle to bring back help to
fix the bridge (He jumps the broken bridge with his motorcycle like
Evel Knievel). While Hendra is away, Julia and her Uncle decide to
have a picnic. Unfortunately, Gundar's right-hand man Gumilar (W.D.
Mochtar) is waiting behind the bushes and puts a red pill in the
food. While Julia is off taking a dip at the river, her Uncle starts
eating the food on the bridge and he falls down and screams in pain
as plantlife comes bursting out of every orifice. Julia comes running
and passes out after seeing the condition her Uncle is in. The
rest of the film finds Gundar trying to kill Julia and Hendra, as
they are the only people standing in his way from becoming the mayor.
A few more people will swallow the red pills and there are many
martial arts fights between Julia, Hendra and Gundar's inept fighting
force. Believe me when I say that once you watch this you will
never ever forget it. Director Arizal (who also made the amazing THE
STABILIZER - 1984 and the astounding FINAL
SCORE - 1986), peppers the film with constant fighting,
outlandish sound effects and a great amount of graphic gore and
carnage. The red pill scenes are very well done and extremely bloody.
I found myself laughing out loud on many occasions and I believe that
a lot of it was intentional, although some of the dubbing was to
blame, too. You know you're in for something special when right in
the beginning Gundar says to Gumilar, "If you're going to be
tenderhearted about it, then take your tender heart some place
else!" He also says on one occasion to Hendra, "You'll
never kill me, so let me go!" My favorite line comes after one
of Gundar's henchmen, named Tonto, gets impaled on a tree branch
after fighting with Hendra. Gundar later says to Gumilar, "Why
didn't you bring Tonto's body back with you?" Gumilar replies
back, "I didn't have a saw!" There are also some
outlandish setpieces on view, too, such as when Hendra and Julia are
at her father's grave when all of a sudden a dozen of Gundar's men
come popping up out of the ground and out of coffins to fight the
duo. Hendra also does a truck stunt that is very similar to the one
Harrison Ford does in RAIDERS
OF THE LOST ARK (1981), although this one was done three
years earlier! There's also a scene where Hendra rolls down a room in
a barrel while holding a sickle and slices off a fighters leg (and
knocks off Gundar's fake leg), a shot of a snake eating a rat, a
mouse attack on Julia while she is tied up (Gundar calls them his
"black commandos") and plenty of the red stuff (some of it
shoots right into the camera lens), including a fight in a lumber
mill where Gumilar gets his head shoved into the spinning blade of a
giant lumber saw! I'll leave the rest for you, the viewer to enjoy as
there is so much more here to take in. This film officially makes it
into my CritCon top 20 films of all time! The version I viewed was
taken from a Dutch-subtitled VHS tape. Not available legally on home
video in the U.S. in any form. That needs to change! Not Rated.
SPITFIRE
(1994) -
Albert Pyun strikes again! Why? Why? Why? I would like to get my
hands on his financial backers
and shake some sense into them. He is truly one of the worst
directors of B movies in the world, yet he still gets the moola to
churn out 4 or 5 films a year. This one is a lame James Bond takeoff
about the worlds greatest spy (Lance Henriksen, who should have
learned his lesson after appearing in Pyuns awful KNIGHTS
[1993]) who is kidnapped by the other side (led by a bored-looking
Sarah Douglas). He manages to hide a key in his long-lost
daughters (Kristie Phillips) luggage. Luckily, his daughter is
a world-class gymnast and martial artist because she gets into
numerous clashes and fights with Douglas and her cronies. What
follows are some of the worst staged action scenes and fist fights
committed to celluloid. See if you can count how many times Douglas
slugs Henriksen in the face (a running gag throughout the film). Do
yourself a favor and steer clear of this one or any film with
Pyuns name on it. More painful than an ass full of hemorrhoids.
Also starring Tim Thomerson as an alcoholic sports reporter (could
that be a prophecy?). A Vidmark
Entertainment Home Video Release. Rated
R.
For more Pyun nonsense, see the reviews for CAPTAIN
AMERICA
(1990), NEMESIS
(1992), RAVEN
HAWK
(1995) and OMEGA
DOOM (1995).
THE
STABILIZER (1984) - Wow! After
viewing SPECIAL SILENCERS
(1979), FINAL SCORE (1986) and,
now, this film, all I have to say is this: All hail director
Arizal! This film is so full of non-stop action, carnage and
"What The Fuck?!" moments, you'll never want it to end.
When a genius professor (Kaharuddin Syah) is kidnapped by Victor
(Mark Sunglar), a henchman for international crimelord Greg Rainmaker
(Craig Gavin), the Indonesian government sends for FBI agent Peter
Goldson (Peter O'Brian), known as "The Stabilizer", to
rescue the professor and bring down Rainmaker. Peter has a severe
hate for Rainmaker, because seven years earlier, he raped and killed
Peter's fiancee by stepping on her with spiked shoes, his weapon of
choice (As she lies there dying, her last words to Peter are,
"Watch out for his shoes!"). Rainmaker kidnapped the
professor because he has invented a "narcotics detector"
and he will not give Rainmaker the formula (this plot device is all
but dropped after the kidnapping). When Victor sets up and captures
Peter and his cop friend Johnny (Harry Capri), they are saved by crossbow-wielding
Christina (Dana Christina), the professor's daughter (I also think
this is the first time I have ever seen anyone killed with a weed
whacker!). Christina joins forces with Peter, Johnny and Peter's FBI
partner Sylvia (Gillie Beanz) to look for her father. They find him,
but he is killed in the rescue attempt. Rainmaker kidnaps Christina
("She should give me some fun!"), so Peter, Johnny and
Sylvia travel by speedboat to Rainmaker's private island (after
avoiding some torpedos!) to rescue her. They find Rainmaker's
ex-mistress Nora (Yenny Faridha) tied-up with a bomb around her neck
(long story) and disarm it (if you count throwing it away from you
while it explodes disarming it). Nora agrees to take them to
Rainmaker's compound, but they are all taken prisoner and tied-up in
a burning warehouse (Rainmaker says to Peter, in one of my favorite
lines ever: "You'll soon meet God. Tell him I'm doing fine
here."). They manage to break free and then get into one of the
bloodiest shootouts/matorcycle chases in film history. Peter finally
catches Rainmaker and stomps on him with Rainmaker's own spiked shoes
("This is for my wo-man!"), but Rainmaker manages to escape
by helicopter. Not for long, though! This highly entertaining,
yet brainless, action flick made me laugh so many times, I thought I
was going to have a coronary. From the opening scene, when a guy on a
motorcycle crashes through a window of the professor's house, only to
get off his bike to open the front door to let Victor in (!), to the
unbelievable conclusion, where too many things happen to explain,
you'll be shaking your head so much in disbelief, you're lucky if you
don't come down with a case of whiplash. So many vehicles come
crashing through windows or walls, you'll wonder if anyone in this
film (besides Victor) knows how to use a door! Nevermind that lead
actor Peter O'Brian is the mirror image of Frank Stallone if he had a
permed mullet (Wait. He did at one time, didn't he?), just sit back
and enjoy all the mindless violence, nudity, explosions and car
chases/crashes. Not only does one of Victor's goons look like Mr. T
(who was popular at the time with THE
A-TEAM [1983 - 1987]), you will also see a guy geek lizards
(disgusting scenes of a man ripping apart lizards with his teeth),
watch in amazement as Rainmaker kills his own men for disappointing
him (he strings one guy up, gives him a couple of kicks to the knees
with his spiked shoes and then electrocutes him!) and listen to the
hysterical dialogue. This is Peter's opinion of Rainmaker: "He's
the man I hate the most. I despise scum like Rainmaker!" And
Rainmaker says this to Nora when he thinks that she's betrayed him
(she hasn't): "If you weren't so good in bed, I'd kill you right
now!" I especially loved Victor's remark to Nora, just before he
kills her: "Dance to your grave, you dirty whore!" So, if
you like never-ending bloodshed (including death by flamethrower,
crossbow, axe and multiple firearms), unbelievable stunts and
quotable dialogue, look no further than THE
STABILIZER. The screenplay was written by Deddy Armand and
John Rust. Armand has written the screenplays for SPECIAL
SILENCERS, FINAL SCORE and
the Peter O'Brian-starrers THE INTRUDER
(1986) and Arizal's little-seen DOUBLE
CROSSER (1990; a.k.a. CROCODILE
CAGE). This is Rust's only Indonesian script. He is better
known for directing/producing/writing video documentary shorts for
DVD releases as special features (The featurette he did for Warner
Home Video's DVD release of LITTLE
CAESAR [1931] is must-viewing for any fan of the genre!). A Troma
DVD Release. The presentation is fullscreen, but watchable, even if
the final reel looks a little wobbly. Not Rated.
STEALTHHUNTERS
(1991) - Obscure Texas-lensed SOV action thriller with a total
budget that doesn't look to exceed two hundred dollars. Ex-TechStar
employee Jonathan Gage (Bill Jenkins) smuggles out a videotape from
his former company showing illegal experiments on humans in order to
turn them into unfeeling super soldiers (the tape shows one super
soldier sticking his arm in a fire and not flinching, even though his
arm is burned to a crisp). Gage shows the tape to a reporter friend
in his home and before he even has time to respond, TechStar founder
J.L. Mitchell (Bill Poague) and a goon break down the front door and
unload a shotgun blast into the lawyer's stomach, while Mitchell
shoots Gage in the head. TechStar decides to test their prototype
soldier, dubbed "Stealthhunter, Soldier of the 21st Century"
(impossibly cheap concoctions consisting of skinny guys all dressed
in black wearing masks that cover the top half of their heads), so
they use about a dozen of the prototypes to fight a platoon of real
soldiers, commanded by Captain Fields (Rocky Patterson; THE
NAIL GUN MASSACRE - 1985), in what is advertised as a
harmless "wargame". Yeah, right. The dastardly Mitchell and
Dr. Landers (Gordon Fox), the lead scientist on the Stealthhunter
project, set their squad of computerized cyborgs on "kill"
and it's not long before they kill all the soldiers in the field
except for Burke (Bruce Walker), who manages to escape by hitching a
ride with five annoying teens on their way to a picnic, with the
Stealthhunters hot on their trail. Wouldn't you know it, the teens'
pickup truck runs out of gas (caused by a Stealthhunter's bullet to
their gas tank), forcing Burke and the teens to take shelter in a
deserted garage. While Captain Burke is held prisoner at TechStar
(Dr. Landers is about to turn him into a Stealthhunter), Burke tries
to protect the teens from the onslaught of black-clad cyborgs
(frankly, most of the teens don't deserve to live, especially Cy
[Vince Phillip], who seems to always do the wrong things at the most
inopportune times), teaching them how to fight back and defend
themselves. Can Captain Fields escape from the TechStar operating
room to rescue Burke and the teens? This impossibly cheap
shot-on-video wonder, directed/produced by Matthew Trotter (his only
feature film) and written by Trotter and Tom Anthony, is a total
mess, with plenty of amateur acting (lots of Texan accents here),
flat, smeary video photography, a grating synthesizer score and some
really bad dialogue (listen closely to two TechStar interns talking
about comic books during the end of the film to experience a truly head-scratching
moment). The film's only saving grace is the plentiful gore, as
limbs are hacked off, bodies are graphically run over, people are
riddled with bullets and shotgun blasts, throats are slashed and body
parts are stabbed with knives. The make-up effects may be less than
professional, but there are at least a lot of them on view, nearly
enough to get your mind off the amateur video look of the film and
the mawkish, sappy dialogue between some of the teens. Plotwise, STEALTHHUNTERS
is a run-of-the-mill actioner that tries to copy it's big-budget
counterparts (strangely, though, the similarly-themed UNIVERSAL
SOLDIER would come out a year later) and fails miserably,
but at least it has the good sense to kill-off most of the teens
before they can be rescued. For that I am extremely grateful. Other
Texas-lensed obscurities include NIGHT
FRIGHT (1967), ENTER
THE DEVIL (1972), PSYCHO
FROM TEXAS (1977), R.O.T.O.R.
(1987) and nearly every film from directors S.F. Brownrigg (DON'T
LOOK IN THE BASEMENT - 1973) and Larry Buchanan (CURSE
OF THE SWAMP CREATURE - 1966). Also starring Brent Hadaway,
Mary C. Quintana, Kate Rodger, Gerald A. Smith, Shawn Walsh, Chad
Wood and Stuart Kyle. Originally available on VHS from VCII Home
Entertainment and not available on DVD. Not Rated.
STEEL
ARENA (1973) - Stunt-filled car
crash actioner that mixes fact with fiction. Dusty Russell (playing
himself) drifts into a small Southern town and accepts a job from bar
owner Harry (Bill McKnight) driving and delivering moonshine in a
souped-up 1939 Dodge. Before he can make his first delivery, Dusty is
chased by an overweight sheriff (Eric Nord) and his deputies, which
leads to many wrecked police cars and Dusty barely getting away. When
Harry refuses to pay Dusty, it leads to a bar fight where Dusty meets
new friend Buddy Love (playing himself). Along with Harry's
ex-waitress Jo-Ann (Laura Brooks), Dusty's new squeeze, they head to
Jefferson, where they enter the Dodge in a demolition derby with
Dusty as the driver. Before the derby even starts, Dusty makes an
enemy in competing driver The Masked Marvel and, sure enough, Dusty
wins the derby by destroying the Masked Marvel's car. Dusty and Buddy
are hired to become members of owner Gene Drew's (playing himself)
Daredevils stunt driving team and, pretty soon, Dusty and Buddy are
doing barrel rolls, dive bombs and crashing through walls of fire in
a stunt show
that travels throughout the South. Fellow stunt driver Crash
Chambers (Bruce Mackey) grows jealous of Dusty's new popularity (Gene
makes him the star of the show) and endangers everyone's lives when
he suddenly replaces the regular driver in one of the two-car head-on
collision stunts where Dusty is the other driver. Unbeknownst to
Crash, Buddy convinces Dusty to let him take his place in the stunt
and Buddy ends up seriously wounded when Crash purposely misses his
mark. Crash then slashes the safety harness in the car Dusty is about
to use in a record-breaking 80 foot dive bomb stunt. Dusty is wounded
and Gene fires Crash for his sabotage with Crash declaring that he
will get even. The finale finds Dusty about to do a hundred foot dive
bomb, with Crash watching in the audience. Dusty's fate is left
uncertain, as he completes the jump, is taken away in an ambulance
and the final scene is of Jo-Ann hopping on a Greyhound bus. The
lyrics of the song, playing over a shot of Jo-Ann's tear-stained
face, go "I don't want you cryin' when I'm gone", which
could suggest two things: 1) Dusty has bitten the dust, or 2) Jo-Ann
has left Dusty because she cannot stand to watch him put his life in
constant danger night after night. You decide. While nothing
but a series of precision car stunts interspread with scenes of the
(mostly) non-professional cast trying their best to keep their heads
above water in the dialogue moments,
director/screenwriter/co-producer Mark
L. Lester (TRUCK
STOP WOMEN - 1974; STUNTS
- 1977; CLASS OF 1984
- 1981) offers a fascinating, almost documentary-like,
behind-the-scenes look at what it takes to put together a car stunt
show on a continuing basis. This involves visiting local junkyards
picking out cars for use in the show and traveling countless miles
from one location to the next, with the team breaking up the constant
boredom by tapping their cars into each other on the back streets to
stay awake and pulling pranks in bars to break up the monotony. It
helps immensely that nearly all the members of the stunt team are
played by the actual members. They may not be good actors, but their
presence adds realism to the proceedings. I was especially impressed
with the older Dutch Schnitzer, who, show after show, blows himself
up with sticks of dynamite while laying in a wooden box. Now that's
dedication to your craft, especially when you take into consideration
that he's probably old enough to collect Social Security. This is
director Lester's first theatrical feature (his first non-theatrical
film, 1971's TWILIGHT OF THE MAYAS, was a documentary about
the mining industry in Mexico) and, while it's not great cinema, it's
an entertaining look at a subject that may be foreign to many viewers
(I went to many of these stunt shows during my youth). While there is
nothing remotely offensive on view (unless you find smoking and
drinking offensive, as everyone here does both), STEEL
ARENA is a fascinating glimpse into the monotonous lives of
a professional stunt driver. Co-produced by Peter S. Traynor, who
directed the bizarre DEATH GAME
[1977] and was one of the co-directors of the piecemeal horror film EVIL
TOWN [1985]). Also starring Speed Stearns, Ed Ryan, Big Tim
Welch and Dan Carter as themselves. Originally released on VHS by Vestron
Video and not available on DVD. Rated PG.
THE
STRANGER (1994) -
Modern day feminist variation of
Clint Eastwoods HIGH
PLAINS DRIFTER
(1973). A high-kicking biker chick with no name (Kathy Long, star of
the abominable KNIGHTS
- 1993) roars into a near-dead town and makes her intentions
perfectly clear: She has come to kill the local biker gang, led by
the metaphysical Angel (Andrew Divoff; WISHMASTER
- 1997). Angel and his crew have taken over the town and the populace
turns a blind eye, in fear of bodily harm. The sheriff (Eric Pierpont
of ALIEN
NATION: THE SERIES
[1989 - 1990]), who turned to booze when his fiancee was raped and
murdered by the biker gang two years earlier, finds himself drawn to
the stranger. Could she actually be the ghost of his fiancee come
back to exact revenge? Though slow-moving at times, director Fritz
Kiersch (TUFF
TURF
- 1985) manages to hold your attention and sprinkles in some extreme
bits of ultra-violence. Not bad for its type. Screenwriter
Gregory Poirier also scripted the final two DANGER
ZONE (1986) sequels: DANGER
ZONE III: STEEL HORSE WAR (1990) and DEATH
RIDERS (1993). Originally slated to be directed by Lewis
Teague (ALLIGATOR - 1980; FIGHTING
BACK - 1982), which would explain why some of the ad
materials for this film still bear his name as director. Also
starring Hunter Von Leer. It had its debut on HBO and is
available on VHS from Columbia Tristar Home Video. Rated
R.
STRANGLEHOLD
(1994) - Tired and cliched actioner that is nothing by a cheap
knock-off of DIE HARD (1988).
Congresswoman Helen Filmore (Jillian McWhirter; DUNE
WARRIORS - 1990) travels to Malaysia to take a tour of the
newly-opened American chemical plant Chemco, only to find herself and
the American Chemco executives taken hostage by terrorist Gerald
Richter (Vernon Wells; KING
OF THE ANTS - 2004) and his band of black-clad goons.
Richter demands twenty-five million dollars for the safe return of
the Congresswoman, but it becomes clear that he is only using this
situation as a front for something more devious. Luckily for the
Congresswoman, she brought along ex-CIA operative Ryan Cooper (Jerry
Trimble) as a bodyguard. Cooper breaks free and leads the
Congresswoman, Chemco executive William Atkins (Bob McFarland; NOT
LIKE
US
- 1995) and Chemco employee Pete Olo (Archie Adamos; NAM
ANGELS - 1988) through the plant's labryinth-like structure
as they fight a never-ending supply of Richter's men in their quest
to reach safety. It turns out that Richter was
actually after Chemco's top-secret new nerve gas called KZ7079 and,
once he gets his hands on it, he unleashes a small canister of it at
an innocent crowd of people who have gathered outside the Chemco
plant, killing them. He then demands fifty million dollars or he will
uncork more of the nerve gas in a major city, threatening to kill
many more people. The rest of the film details Cooper's numerous
battles with Richter's men and, finally, with Richter himself, as he
tries to stop the nerve gas from being dispensed. Cooper must also
rescue the Congresswoman again when it is revealed that William
Atkins is actually on Richter's team. After blowing up the Chemco
plant and getting away with a large amount of the nerve gas, Richter
escapes on a freighter with the Congresswoman as a hostage (After
killing two of his own men after they try to rape the Congresswoman,
Richter then takes his turn and gives it a go!). Never fear, because
Cooper isn't far behind. Expect lots of ass-kickings and
explosions. This is the third, and final, actioner that
Filipino director/producer Cirio H. Santiago made with martial
artist/non-actor Jerry "Golden Boy" Trimble (LIVE
BY THE FIST [1992] and ONE
MAN ARMY [1993] being the other two) and it is definitely
the worst of the trio. While the other two were nothing to write home
about, STRANGLEHOLD is a
tepid affair at best and the fact that it took three people (Mark
Evan Schwartz, Brendan Broderick and Rob Kerchner) to write the
generic screenplay speaks volumes on how desperate this film really
is. It's nothing but a series of badly-staged gun battles, martial
arts fights and chases, none of them particularly exciting or bloody.
It's pretty clear that at this stage in his career, director Santiago
was running on fumes and delivers a film that lacks any vibrancy or
life. It didn't help that Roger Corman, who financed the majority of
Santiago's films, forced Santiago to make this film on a budget that
wouldn't feed a hungry family at dinnertime. Most of the film takes
place at either the same boiler room set (filmed at different angles)
or at a boardroom where the American government representatives
(including Santiago staples Ken Metcalfe and Henry Strzalkowski)
endlessly discuss what to do about Richter and his demands (They, of
course, end up doing nothing and only serve to pad out the film's
paltry running time). We all know how bad Jerry Trimble is as an
actor (he also looks like he packed on a few pounds since ONE MAN ARMY),
but the usually reliable Vernon Wells is simply horrible here and
looks like he's coke-out or high on meth. This is quite possibly
Santiago's worst film ever and even though it's only 73 minutes long,
it's a chore to sit through. A total dud from start to finish.
Santiago would go on to direct only a handful of films after this
(2005's BLOODFIST 2050
is his last as of this writing), but he is still active as a
producer. Also starring James Paolelli, Tony Carreon, Joe Sabatino,
Joseph Zucchero (also this film's Editor), Jim Broome, Paul Holmes
and Ramon D'Salva. Available on VHS & DVD
from New Horizons/New Concorde Home Video. Rated R. NOTE:
Sadly, Cirio H. Santiago passed away in 2008 and his last film, WATER
WARS (co-directed by Jim Wynorski when Santiago passed away in
the middle of filming), is still looking for a U.S. home video
distributor. Word is, that as the films stands right now, it is
unsalable (From what I heard, lead actor Michael Madsen looks drunk
as a skunk throughout the entire film and the different styles
between the two directors is highly obvious). When even Roger Corman
can't sell a film, you know there has to be serious problems with it,
but eventually everything makes it to home video.
STREET
SOLDIERS (1989)
- Pretty good action thriller about life in street gangs. The
film opens with Max (Johnathan Gorman) and Spud (Darrel Guilbeau),
members of the Tigers gang, getting the shit kicked out of them by
Spider (Jude Gerard) and other members of the rival J.P. gang. Max's
friend, Charles (Joon Kim), who is not a member of any gang,
intervenes, but Spud is stabbed in the stomach with a huge knife by
Spider and dies. The entire incident happened because Max and his
clean-cut friends were playing stickball on J.P. turf and they
accidentally broke a window of a karate school. The owner of the
school, Master Han (producer/fight coordinator Jun Chong; SILENT
ASSASSINS - 1988), comes outside and befriends Max, but
makes Spider look like a fool in the process. Since that day, Max
formed the Tigers,
a gang of good guys from his high school, but Max will soon learn
after Spud's death that being the leader of a gang isn't all shits
and giggles. His major trouble will come from Priest (Jeff Rector; HELLMASTER
- 1992), the leader of the J.P.s, who was just released from prison.
Priest has brought a new friend with him: the mute Tok (Jason Hwang),
who had his tongue cut out in a prison fight. After teaching Spider a
lesson for breaking the truce he imposed while he was serving time in
prison, Priest sets his sights on the Tigers, especially when Max's
straight-laced brother Troy (David Homb; CAMP
FEAR - 1991) becomes romantically involved with Julie
(Katherine Armstrong), Priest's ex-girlfriend who has just returned
to town after a long absence. The J.P.s invade the high school dance
and a rumble breaks out. Priest goes nutsoid and fires his gun in the
gymnasium (All the fighters hit the floor until Priest runs out of
bullets. They then stand back up and continue fighting each other
like nothing happened!). Charles and Troy becomes fast friends when
they defend each other during the rumble. Luckily, Charles' uncle is
Master Han and he teaches Troy how to defend himself using just his
hands, but first he must be taught discipline. Troy turns out to be a
natural and learns martial arts quite easily (in true 80's montage
fashion). As Troy and Julie's romantic relationship grows stronger,
Priest becomes more enraged and violent and tries to take his rage
out on Troy, Charles and Max, but they manage to escape (by jumping
off a bridge onto the back of a moving hay bale truck [thank God
these things are around when you really need them!]). Priest
retaliates by invading the Tigers' clubhouse, killing three Tigers
members and putting Max in the hospital. The police want Max to turn
state's evidence against Priest, but Max prefers to take care of
Priest himself. Troy and Charles are forced to join-in on the fun
when Priest tries to kidnap Julie. When Priest and the J.P.s
gang-rape Max's girlfriend Marie (Deborah Newmark) and put her in the
hospital, Max and the Tigers join Master Han's school to learn
martial arts. When Charles is killed and Priest finally does kidnap
Julie (he ties her up and forces booze down her throat), Master Han
joins the fight. God help the J.P.s! Not every good guy makes it
through the final (and well-done) rumble, because lessons have to be
learned that the streets play no favorites when bullets are
involved. This crazy gang actioner, directed by Lee Harry (SILENT
NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT PART 2 - 1987) and co-written by Harry
and Spencer Grendhal, contains so many outrageous set pieces and
sight gags (including Tok's fake "cobra in a box", that
spits out a green blinding liquid when squeezed!), it's hard not to
enjoy this film, even though it has enough holes in the plot to make
swiss cheese jealous. Some of the preachy dialogue is also pretty
hard to swallow, but when Priest breaks out a roll of condoms whan
they are about to gang-rape Marie and he says, "Better safe than
sorry!", it more than makes up for the preachy moments. There is
plenty on violence on view, including shootings, stabbings,
neck-snapping, martial arts fights and, of course, rumbles, and Jeff
Rector steals the show as Priest, playing his role like he is
channeling Clint Eastwood if he were to turn bad. There's also plenty
of humor on view (Troy trying to explain baseball to Master Han [who
is well aware of the sport] is very funny, if only for the look on
Charles' face; when Priest kidnaps Julie and Spider tries to hit her
father with a two-by-four, Priest yells out, "Don't kill him.
He's paying for the wedding!"), some unusual camera set-ups and
nicely choreographed fight scenes, making STREET
SOLDIERS a good bet for fans of action cinema. Also starring
Joel Weiss, Frank Novak, Troy Fromin, Fabian Carillo and Fred Olen
Ray go-to guy Jay Richardson as the one-legged Wheelchair Willie, who
is still a force to recon with, in or out of his wheelchair. An Academy
Entertainment VHS Release. Not available on DVD. Rated R.
STREET
WARS (1992) -
Director Jamaa Fanaka (SOUL
VENGEANCE
- 1975; PENITENTIARY
- 1979) tries to
make a serious statement about a black mans struggle to rise
above drug selling and gang violence only to become the boss of the
citys biggest drug-running outfits. Unfortunately, Fanaka
fumbles the ball and turns in an unintentionally hilarious fable
complete with badly executed action scenes, risable dialogue,
unbelievable characters and awful post-synch dubbing. Black military
student Sugarpop (Alan Joseph) comes home during summer vacation to
spend some time with his older brother Frank (Byran ODell), the
head of a drug syndicate. When Frank is murdered by a rival drug
gang, Sugarpop takes over and uses his military training to exact
revenge. He trains his gang (including a drag queen!) on how to
operate motorized hang gliders and they use them to attack their
rivals from the air! The film ends on a high note when Sugarpop blows
away the white rival leader and rids the entire city of drugs,
turning his brothers syndicate into a legitimate business! This
is one of the most unbelievable endings of all times. Often surreal
at times (Franks funeral is jaw-dropping stuff as Soul
Train-style dancers boogie around his coffin while Fanaka [real name:
Walter Gordon!!!] himself sings an awful gospel tune), this is by no
means a good film but is OK for a good belly laugh if you are in the
right frame of mind (say about a case of Bud or three good joints).
Also starring Clifford Shegog, Jean Pace and Vaughn Cromwell. A
Triboro Entertainment Video Release. Rated
R.
STRIKE
COMMANDO 2 (1988) - In this
semi-sequel to STRIKE COMMANDO
(1987), soldier Michael Ransom (Brent Huff; COP
GAME - 1988; the role was essayed by a memorable Reb Brown
in the first film) is haunted by nightmares of the capture of his
commanding officer, Vic Jenkins (a slumming Richard Harris; GAME
FOR VULTURES - 1979), by the Viet Cong (A newspaper on
Ransom's night table announces that Vic Jenkins is dead). He
commiserates with fellow Strike Commando member Ruby (Anthony East; FAST
GUN - 1987), who now walks with a limp, and he tells Ransom
that Vic is actually alive and being held by the CIA. Vic escaped his
Viet Cong captors and the CIA faked his death, but they are holding
him in some unknown facility. Ruby give Ransom a contact name, so
Ransom heads off to find and free Vic. Shortly after giving Ransom
the information, Ruby is killed (garrotted) on a train by Russian
baddie Kramet (Mel Davidson; ROBOWAR
- 1988), who alyways dresses in a white suit, after Rudy screams,
"I did everything you told me to do!" Uh, oh. Looks like
Ransom is being set-up! Ransom
drives to an import/export business, where he meets his contact,
Peter Roeg (Paul Holme; ZOMBIES:
THE BEGINNING - 2007), who gives Ransom's Vic's location
after nearly being choked to death by Ransom. When Vic learns that
Ransom is on his way, he's not worried because they've always been
the best of friends, but Peter orders Vic and the CIA agents
"protecting" him to move out of the safehouse immediately.
When Ransom arrives at the safehouse, Vic and the agents have yet to
leave and Vic is kidnapped by Kramet, who followed Ransom to the
safehouse by helicopter with a bunch of black-clad ninjas. Paul lets
Ransom watch a ransom video where Vic says that he is being held
captive by Huan To (the always dependable Vic Diaz; WONDER
WOMEN - 1973), who demands that ten million dollars in
diamonds be delivered in the middle of the Burmese jungle for Vic's
safe return. Ransom volunteers for the job and the bloody adventure
begins. Everyone he runs into wants the diamonds, including the
occupants on the boat taking him to his first destination, who Ransom
kills with knives and shotgun blasts. At a bar, Ransom meets Rosanna
Boom (Mary Stavin; TOP LINE
- 1988), the tough-as-nails bar owner (when we first meet her, she is
challenging some burly Filipino guy to a belching contest, which she
handedly wins!), but when Kramet arrives with some ninjas and demands
the diamonds, Ransom and Rosanna (who is now holding the diamonds)
barely escape with their lives when a gunfight breaks out, the bar
catches fire and is blown to bits (thanks to ten cases of dynamite
kept behind the bar [They don't call her Rosanna Boom for nothing!]).
Ransom gets his hands back on the diamonds when Kramet tries to steal
them from Rosanna. Ransom and Rosanna become unwilling partners when
Rosanna is the only one able to lead them to Huan To, who turns out
to be the area's biggest drug smuggler. Can Ransom rescue Vic, escape
from Huan To's compound and romance Rosanna without getting his damn
fool head blown off? What do you think? This crazy actioner,
directed by the late Bruno Mattei (CAGED
WOMEN - 1982; DOUBLE
TARGET - 1987; CANNIBAL
HOLOCAUST: THE BEGINNING - 2003), using his frequent
"Vincent Dawn" pseudonym, and scripted by Claudio Fragasso (MONSTER
DOG - 1985), is not quite as classic as the original film,
thanks to a one-note performance by Brent Huff (he's no Reb Brown,
but then again, who is?) and some lame attempts at humor, especially
whenever Mary Stavin is on-screen. Unlike the first film, the sequel
is not a straight-ahead war actioner, but rather a jungle
adventure/CIA conspiracy thriller whose surprises are telegraphed
well ahead of their reveal (such as Vic being a traitor and a drug
smuggler). Thankfully, Mattei throws in plenty of bloody violence
(stabbings, bloody bullet squibs, torture), as well as scenes copied
directly from bigger-budgeted American action/adventure films (I saw
direct steals from RAIDERS
OF THE LOST ARK - 1981; RAMBO:
FIRST BLOOD PART 2 - 1985; PREDATOR
- 1987 and other scenes literally lifted from other films [I know I
saw that same exact bar explosion in another film, but the name
eludes me at the moment]). This Italian-financed actioner (A Flora
Film Production), lensed in the Philippines, is just bloody and silly
enough (Ninjas? Really?) to keep viewers entertained throughout. Also
starring Alan Collins, Richard Raymond and Alex McBride, with cameos
by Jim Gaines, Jim Moss, Michael Welborne and David Brass, all
well-known names to Filipino action fans. I don't believe this ever
got a legitimate U.S. home video release, but I found a nice
widescreen Japanese subtitled VHS tape that will do very nicely until
a DVD becomes available, but I'm not holding my breath. Not Rated.
SUDDEN
THUNDER (1990) - Patricia
Merrill (Andrea Lamatsch; BLOOD
RING - 1991) is an undercover Miami cop who we first meet
singing some bad disco tune at a nightclub and she immediately blows
her cover by getting caught planting a bug in a back room where a big
drug deal is going down. This leads to a big shootout, where Patricia
and her fellow officers shoot all the bad guys (some in the back!)
and nearly destroy all the drug evidence in a hail of gunfire. On a
totally unrelated note, Patricia's father, a sheriff in the small
jerkwater Florida town of Wilbury County, is killed when Mike Gray
(Mike Monty; LAST
FLIGHT TO HELL - 1990) and his men run his car off the road
and set it on fire, burning him alive. Patricia goes to Wilbury
County alone to investigate and is captured by Mike, who orders his
men to take her into the woods and kill her. The men, of course,
decide to rape her first (Goon #1: "Harlan, you got crabs, so
you go last!" Harlan: "I got them from your sister!"),
but Patricia escapes and is saved by her late father's black
moonshiner friend, Jake Stokes (Jeff Griffith;
FINAL REPRISAL
- 1988), who nurses her back to health (Alert: gratuitous skinny
dipping scene and it's not bad). When they don't hear from Patricia
in a few days, a quartet of her Miami cop buddies, Tom (Corwyn
Sperry), Tony (James Paolelli), Jack (Ernie Santana) and Max (Ned
Hourani), head to Wilbury County and run into the new sheriff: Mike
Gray! The four Miami cops get into a barroom brawl and are forced to
kill the shotgun-toting bartender. Mike arrests them and tosses them
in jail, where the crooked mayor, Bob (Anthony East; FAST
GUN - 1987; here using the pseudonym "Albert
Bronsky"), orders Mike to kill them all, but Patricia breaks
them out before Mike can carry out the order. Patricia brings them
all back to Jake's shack, where Jake tells them that something
illegal is going on, but he doesn't know what it is. What he is sure
of, though, is that it is going on at an abandoned plantation, so
Jake takes them there, where they overhear Mike and Bob talking about
a major cocaine shipment coming in tonight by plane. Also on the
plane is Alfredo Strocssner (Robert Marius; FIST
OF GLORY - 1991; here using the pseudonym "Edward
Burnett"), a "half-Nazi, half-Brazilian" drug lord who
is responsible for killing Tom's partner in the past and getting away
with it on a legal technicality. Our heroic Miami cops wait for the
drug deal to take place, steal the shipment and try to fly back to
Miami, but Max is shot and injured (not to mention almost being
killed in a pretty impressive plane explosion) and they are forced to
escape into the woods. Alfredo becomes mightily ticked-off that his
cocaine is gone, so he brings in a lot of his own men to search the
woods. When Max dies of his injuries and Jake sacrifices himself,
Patricia and the two remaining Miami cops get vengeance on Mike, Bob
and Alfredo. Technically, the film is a mess, with a lousy
sound recording mix (the music drowns out most of the dialogue) and
some hinky editing and camerawork, but director/producer David Hung
(here using the name "David Hunt") and screenwriter Steve
Rogers (both responsible for the comedic actioner TRIPLE
IMPACT in 1992) still manage to wrangle some suspense and
good action set-pieces on a paltry budget, including the
aforementioned plane explosion; a tense situation involving an
overturned pickup truck with Jake's leg trapped underneath it; a helicopter/motorboat
chase; and plenty of gunfights and explosions. Thankfully, the
acting talents of Andrea Lamatsch (who sounds like she is channeling
Arnold Schwarzenegger) takes a back seat to the action and while
there is very little blood or gore (just some bloody bullet squibs
and a nifty bullet-to-the-head shot), it's nice to see a bunch of
American expatriate actors like Corwyn Sperry, James Paolelli, Ernie
Santana, Ned Hourani, Jeff Griffith, Robert Marius, Anthony East and
Mike Monty get some major screen time for a change instead of playing
their normal secondary or background characters (Monty gets the best
death scene here, as Paolelli shoves a stick of dynamite in his mouth
and blows him out a window). Not a bad way to spend 95 minutes as
long as you don't set your sites too high. Shot in the Philippines by
Davian International Productions. Nick Nicholson puts in a cameo as a
disco manager and Henry Strzalkowski puts in a quick appearance as
"Harvey Scruggs". Released on VHS by A.I.P.
Home Video. Not available on DVD. Not Rated.
THE
SUMMERTIME KILLER (1972) - As
a young boy, Ray Castor witnessed mobsters beat-up and drown his
father. Now an adult, Ray (Christopher Mitchum) is systematically
killing all those involved in his father's murder. In New York City,
Ray shoots one guy in the head
when he pulls-up next to his car while on his motorcycle and then
shoots another guy later on in a subway car. He then heads to Rome,
when he shoots another guy at a cocktail party. Crooked cop Captain
John Kiley (Karl Malden) is paid $10,000 to find out who is killing
all the Mob's semi-retired men (you never fully retire in the Mob,
unless you're dead). Ray travels to Madrid to kill his latest target,
Mob kingpin Alfredi (Raf Vallone), but this hit isn't going to go as
easy as the rest, because Alfredi lives in a well-guarded villa. Ray
gets romantically involved with Alfredi's secretary (Claudine Auger)
to try to find a way into the villa. Captain Kiley shows up at the
villa just as Ray is about to shoot Alfredi with a high-powered
rifle. The glare of Kiley's car windshield hits Ray in the eyes just
as he pulls the trigger, causing him to only wound Alfredi. Ray
barely gets away on his motorcycle when Alfredi's men chase him on
horseback. Captain Kiley starts piecing the puzzle together (Alfredi
and the three dead men were partners back in 1952, the year Ray's
father was murdered) and he goes to Alfredi's secretary for some
information, where he learns that Alfredi has a secret daughter,
Tania (Olivia Hussey; BLACK CHRISTMAS
- 1974), who is going to school in France. Ray already has that
information and has kidnapped Tania and is holding her prisoner on a
boat anchored in the ocean, using her as bait to draw Alfredi out in
the open. The only problem is, both Captain Kiley and Alfredi now
know Ray's true identity and they both want him, but for different
reasons. Ray and Tania, after a rocky start (where Tania attempts
numerous escapes and tries to kill Ray with a sharpened closet pole),
begin to fall in love. Ray, who has lived his entire life with only
vengeance on his mind, has only experienced love previously through
the dogs he has owned as pets since his childhood, so his feeling for
Tania are alien to him. When Tania discovers that her kidnapping was
not for money, but revenge (She says to Ray, "You're one of
them!"), it sets the stage for a finale set at a bullfight,
where Ray, Alfredi and Captain Kiley converge. Ray's feelings for
Tania force him to hesitate to take the killshot, which results in
him getting wounded, stealing a motorcycle and leading everyone on a
long chase. When Ray returns to his boat, Captain Kiley is there
waiting for him, gives Ray an implied surprise revelation (Kiley may
be something more than just a cop) and an even more surprising scene
of knowing sacrifice in the film's closing shot. This Spanish/French/Italian
action film, directed by
Antonio Isasi (VENGEANCE
- 1976), is a halfway decent time-waster, if you can get past Chris
Mitchum's wooden, monotone line readings. Mitchum was never a great
actor to begin with, but given the right vehicle (like FINAL
SCORE - 1986), he could still be pretty entertaining.
Unfortunately, this film is not that vehicle but, thankfully, Karl
Malden (THE CAT O' NINE TAILS
- 1971) is here to pick up the slack. We are never quite sure what
Captain Kiley's true intentions are until the film's finale. What we
do know about him is that he has ties to the Mob and that he's a damn
good cop, as we watch him dig up clues to Ray's childhood, which will
eventually lead him to Ray's Madrid apartment. Ray's apartment is a
treasure trove of information, if only for what it lacks. The only
personal photo in the apartment is that of Ray as a young boy on the
beach with his mother and father. The only other objects in the
apartment are motorcycle models, pictures of sailboats and racing
trophies. We also find out that it was Ray's mother who instilled
this sense of vengeance into Ray when his father died, telling him
that it is better to seek justice "within the family"
rather than trust the police to do their job. While not overtly
violent (it was rated PG when released to U.S. theaters), THE
SUMMERTIME KILLER (the title makes no sense, unless we're
talking about Ray killing people in nice, sunny weather) does have a
couple of good car chase scenes (performed by Remy Julienne and his
crack stunt driving team), some quick bursts of violence (with that
bright red 70's blood that we've all come to love) and a surprising
shot of a skinned bull during the final chase. I was particularly
impressed with Ray's dog (a Boxer) sacrificing itself, biting a bad
guy on the neck while he is driving, causing a fiery car wreck, so
that Ray could escape. Man's best friend, indeed! Try to get past
Mitchum's one-note performance and you may find yourself liking this.
Also known as TARGET REMOVED.
Also starring Gerard Tichy, Gerard Barray, Ricardo Valle and Jose
Nieto. Originally released to theaters by Avco Embassy Pictures and
it was one of the earliest VHS releases from Magnetic
Video, considered to be the first VHS company in the United
States. The print I viewed looks to have been taken from a 35mm print
in fairly good shape. It's in widescreen and, besides missing some
frames at reel changes, seems to be complete. Rated PG.
SURVIVAL
GAME (1987) - Mike Hawkins
(Mike Norris; YOUNG WARRIORS
- 1983; BORN AMERICAN -
1986) and his partner "Sugar Bear" Wilcox (Ed Bernard) run
the War In Peace Survival Camp, where weekend warriors can play
soldier in harmless war games (give or take an unavoidable situation,
like Mike having to save a lily-livered bespectacled soldier-wannabe
stuck in the middle of a rope bridge). Sugar Bear wants Mike to go
back to college and make something of himself, but Mike likes what he
is doing and he's damned good at it. While driving his car, Mike gets
into an accident with C.J. Forest (Deborah Goodrich; REMOTE
CONTROL - 1987), the daughter of Dr. Dave Forest (Seymour
Cassel; BLACK OAK CONSPIRACY
- 1977), who is an old hippie political protestor/hallucinogenics
creator that has just been released from prison. Dr. Dave supposedly
has two million dollars stashed somewhere, the profits from an
LSD-like drug called "Forest Fire" that he created and
was eventually arrested and imprisoned for. Dr. Dave is still a
major celebrity, as the throngs of reporters prove at his prison
release, but he adamantly denies having two million dollars hidden
anywhere. It's plain to see that his mind is nearly burned-out from
dipping into his supply of Forest Fire in his younger days, but he
still maintains that he never made a profit from the drug, preferring
to give it away for free. Unfortunately, there are some bad people
from Dr. Dave's past who don't believe his story and while at the
restaurant where C.J. works (Mike stops by to get insurance
information from C.J. and meets Dr. Dave, who asks Mike what he does.
Mike says, "I play survival games." to which Dr. Dave
replies, "Don't we all?"), a bunch of thugs kidnap Dr. Dave
and nearly get C.J., too, but Mike intervenes using his martial arts
skills. Mike and C.J. give chase in Mike's car, but lose the
kidnappers and return to the restaurant, where they find that the
owner and good friend of Dr. Dave, Max (Paul Samuelson), has been
shot. Somehow, Mike and C.J. become suspects and end up on the run.
The kidnappers (who works for someone who hides in the shadows) bring
Dr. Dave back to his old, dilapidated hippie commune and give him 24
hours to tell them where the two million dollars is hidden. Mike and
C.J. spend the night at Sugar Bear's and C.J. calls her father's
friend Charles (Jon Sharp) to tell him what is happening, only for
him to tell her that FBI agent McClean (Lee Paul) is looking for her.
The bad guys eventually kidnap C.J. and Charles and bring them to the
old commune, but when the bad guys shoot Charles (off-screen) when
Dr. Dave refuses to tell them where the money is, Mike enlists the
help of a hesitant Sugar Bear to lead a raid on the commune, this
time using real ammunition instead of blanks. C.J. and her father
come up with a plan of escape by using a hidden stash of Forest Fire
on the unsuspecting bad guys, while Mike and Sugar Bear race to the
commune. The ringleaders finally make themselves known (it's really
no surprise) in the film's action-packed finale, where we find out if
the two million dollar stash really exists. This film, directed
and co-written by Herb Freed (HAUNTS
- 1975; BEYOND EVIL - 1980; GRADUATION
DAY - 1981), clearly belongs to Seymour Cassel as an
over-the-hill hippie who has a hard time adjusting to modern day
society. The music soundtrack is full of classic 60s & 70s tunes
like "Louie, Louie" (played during a chase between the bad
guys and Mike & C.J.) and "Lean On Me" (during a
lovemaking session between Mike and C.J.), partly to convey Dr.
Dave's fragile state of mind (after all, he did name his daughter
"Celestial Jewel", but she would much rather be called
"C.J."). Those expecting a slam-bang serious actioner are
going to be bitterly disappointed, as most of the action scenes have
a comical tone. It's very clear to see that the acting gene doesn't
run in the Norris family (Mike, like father Chuck, is a better
martial artist than actor and when he looks into the camera, it's
like a deer caught in a car's headlights), but SURVIVAL
GAME moves at a brisk pace and has plenty of chase and fight
scenes to appease action fans. Don't go in with your sights set too
high and you just may have fun here, especially whenever Seymour
Cassel is on-screen. Also starring Arlene Golonka (TRAINED
TO KILL - 1988) as Mike's flabbergasted mother (she's quite
good here), Rick Grassi and Michael Halton. Originally released on
VHS by Media
Home Entertainment and not available on DVD. Rated R.
THE
SURVIVALIST (1987) - When an
American nuclear bomb is accidentally detonated in Siberia, the
President puts the United States under martial law, waiting for the
Russians to retaliate. America turns into a society of looters,
rioters and murderers, as all bank accounts are frozen, travel is
restricted and a country-wide curfew is in effect. Texan Jack Tillman
(Steve Railsback) runs afoul of rogue National Guard officer Lt.
Youngman (Marjoe Gortner) when he goes to his bank to retrieve a sack
of gold from his safety deposit box. When he returns home, Jack finds
his wife shot dead and his daughter seriously wounded with a bullet
in her stomach, caused by home invaders looking for food and
weapons. Jack takes his daughter to the overcrowded hospital, where
she dies. Jack then takes his best friend, Dr. Vincent Ryan (Cliff De
Young), and his nurse wife, Linda (Susan Blakely), out on the road
with him, in search of his son, who is away at summer camp. Jack is a
survivalist and has prepared himself for just such an occasion and he
will have to use this knowledge to fight bloodthirsty marauders,
mistrusting police and the relentless pursuit of Lt. Youngman and his
band of newly deputized men. Jack saves Vince and Linda from a
motorcycle gang, when they decide to leave Jack and head to the
nearest town to tend to the wounded (how cowardly of them!). After
Linda is nearly raped by the gang, they quickly change their minds
and stick with Jack. After running into a gun-toting wolf pack on the
side of the road, our trio stop at the house of kindly old timer Dub
Daniels (David Wayne), who feeds and gives them shelter for the
night. Vince has a falling-out with Jack and takes off in one of
Dub's old pickup trucks without Linda. Vince stupidly picks up a
couple of hitch-hikers, who kill him for his truck. After stopping
for a night of doing the mattress dance in an abandoned motel, Jack
and Linda must face off against Lt. Youngman and his biker pals. This
all happens when Jack finally locates his young son. Youngman attacks
from the air, while the bikers take care of the ground assault.
Everything ends on a happy note (except for Lt. Youngman, who gets a
knife tracheotomy followed by a bullet chaser). Directed by the
late Sig Shore (who produced the blaxploitation classic SUPER
FLY - 1972 and directed the revenge thriller SUDDEN
DEATH - 1985) and written by John V. Kent, THE
SURVIVALIST offers a pretty spot-on interpretation of what
could happen if a situation like this did happen. While there are
plenty of exploitative elements (Marjoe Gortner basically reprises
the same role he portrayed in EARTHQUAKE
- 1974), director Shore doesn't rely on them. This film also has many
human moments, from Jack's search for his son, a town that refuses to
allow anyone it doesn't know to enter city limits, to Vince's
examination of Dub's cat, who is his only companion. That's not to
say there isn't plenty of violence and bloodshed. People are shot,
garrotted, stabbed, blown up and run over. The final assault on Jack,
his son and Linda is well-handed and suspenseful, with good stunts,
plenty of firepower and some creative deaths. This Reagan-era
depiction of paranoia, power, greed and loss is pretty good
entertainment for a rainy night. It also a pretty good advertisement
on why it's important to own a Jeep Cherokee should something like
this ever happen. On- screen title: JACK
TILLMAN: THE SURVIVALIST. Also starring Michael Flynn, J.
Kenneth Campbell, Jason Healey, Jeff Olsen, Jack North and Denis
William. A Vestron
Video Release. Rated R.
SURVIVAL
QUEST (1989) - Let me
preface this review by stating this film follows the basic
clichéd storyline of "newbies in the woods vs. murderous
survivalists", but since this was written and directed by Don
Coscarelli, the man responsible for PHANTASM
(1979, and the three sequels), THE BEASTMASTER
(1982) and BUBBA HO-TEP
(2002), it is more entertaining than it has any right to be, thanks
to Coscarelli's skills, the beautiful location photography and a
top-notch cast of character actors. A bunch of greenhorns from all
walks of life take a prop plane yo a runway deep in the mountains,
where they are to spend the next four weeks learning survival
techniques from Hank Chambers (the always dependable Lance
Henriksen), the lead teacher and owner of Survival Quest. The
participants are the usual bunch of disparate souls, including
juvenile delinquent Gray (Dermot Mulroney; POINT
OF NO RETURN - 1993), who chose this class over spending
time in the slammer; old man Hal (Ben Hammer; HAUNTS
- 1977), who wants to be productive in his old age; rich socialite
snob Olivia (Traci Lin), who is about to be married; fed-up wife
Cheryl (an impossibly young Catherine Keener of THE
40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN - 2004), who is in the process of
divorcing her husband; and best friends Joey (comic Paul Provenza)
and Jeff (Dominic Hoffman). Hank instills a sense of teamwork into
the group, whether it's climbing walls, walking on rope bridges or
rappelling down trees, Hank's motto being "no man (or woman)
left behind". Gray has trouble assimilating into the group, but
Hank and the rest of the participants try their damnedest to make him
feel at ease. Their teamwork is about to be put to the test when a
rival group, part of the Blue Legion Survival School, run by the
extremely cruel Jake Connor (Mark Rolston; HUMANOIDS
FROM THE DEEP - 1996), start using Hank's group for target
practice, first by using harmless paint guns, but graduating to
deadlier tactics as the film progresses, especially after Gray stop
Raider (Steve Antin), Jake's top student, from harassing the elderly
Hal. As Hank and his group trek through the woods, living off the
land (such as eating earthworms) and growing closer to each other,
not only as a team, but also as friends, Jake and his group make life
difficult for them, first by destroying a rope bridge, forcing Hank
and his group to make a dangerous detour over a snow-covered
mountain, nearly freezing to death in the process. When a demented
Raider shoots Hank and then slits Jake's throat, making it look like
Hank and Jake killed each other, Hank's team are hunted down by
Raider and the rest of the Blue Legion team, only this time they have
automatic weapons with live ammo. The Survival Quest group must
muster all of their teamwork to survive, but it turns out Hank and
Jake are not quite dead, as Hank teaches Jake the real meaning of
survival while the two opposing teams duke it out in the woods and
over the white rapids of a raging river. Watch out for that
waterfall! This action adventure film is a detour from what we
have come to expect from Coscarelli. Sure, there is violence to be
found here (although the majority of it doesn't happen until the
final third), but this film is more about human relationships and
bonding during difficult times than anything else (Or, as Hank says
to Jake when he and his team illegally shoot a deer with automatic
weapons; "Survival in the wilderness is a matter of heart, not
hardware."). The simple fact is this: Rather than going the easy
route and making this just another bloodbath in the woods, Coscarelli
took the harder route and wrote a screenplay with well-rounded
characters that the audience can identify with and, not surprisingly,
the film works much better because of it. SURVIVAL
QUEST is nothing earth-shattering; just solid entertainment
for those who like films that take place in the wide outdoors. Also
starring Michael Allen Ryder, Ken Daly and Coscarelli regular Reggie
Bannister as the pilot. Originally released on VHS by CBS Fox Video
and available on DVD from Anchor
Bay Entertainment in a beautiful widescreen print. Rated R.
THE
SWORD OF BUSHIDO (1988) -
During the end of World War II, Lt. Bradley Connors (Glenn Ruehland; NAILED
- 2007) is beheaded by the Japanese in the jungles of South Thailand
with a very special katana sword. In present day (well, 1988) San
Diego, Zac Connors (Richard Norton; THE FIGHTER
- 1988), Bradley's grandson (who is also a Vietnam vet, an architect
and an accomplished swordsman), decides to find out what really
happened to his grandfather since his body was never found. With the
help of a military information officer named Billie (Judy Green; GET
THE TERRORISTS - 1987), Zac is able to pinpoint the location
in South Thailand where his grandfather's body is probably buried.
After bedding Billie as a way of saying "thank you", Zac
heads to the jungles of Thailand with a native guide named Udom
(Prasert Khunthongchandra) and within a couple of days they find the
rusted wreckage of Bradley Connor's downed plane and soon the
headless skeleton of his body nearby. Before Zac can celebrate his
find, he and Udom are attacked by jungle bandits and Udom is killed.
Zac is saved by a shotgun-toting Rambette named Suay (Rochelle
Ashana; KICKBOXER - 1988) and
her partner Chai (Kevit Wattanaroon),
who kill all the bandits. Suay takes Zac back to her village, only to
discover that bandits have destroyed the village and nearly everyone
has been killed, including the children and Suay's mother. Zac stays
to help rebuild the village and Suay begins to show a romantic
interest in him ("He's a different kind of American."),
which doesn't sit too well with Chai, who challenges Zac to a fight.
Both are evenly matched in martial arts skills, but Zac wins because
Chai is too emotional. Zac confides in Suay that he is looking for a
katana sword that his grandfather stole from Japan just before his
plane crashed in the jungle. The sword, known as the "Hand Of
The Goddess Of Mercy", is a Japanese treasure and Zac considers
it his duty to find the sword and return it to Japan. Zac learns from
Suay that there is a legend of a WWII Japanese soldier living in a
cave in the mountains, so Zac hires drunken American expatriate Gerry
(Jim Simmonds) to guide him, Suay and Chai to the cave. When they
arrive at the cave, Zac finds the sword, along with the corpse of the
Japanese soldier who killed his grandfather (he killed himself in a
ritualistic suicide over the shame of killing of Lt. Connors). Gerry
turns bad guy, steals the sword, kills Chai and runs into the cave,
only to be killed himself by an old Japanese booby trap that causes a
cave-in. Zac and Suay must find an alternate route of escape (which
they do) and then they head to the Japan Embassy to return the sword
and collect a $2,000,000 reward. Easier said than done, since a
Japanese creep named Yamaguchi (Toshishiro Obata; SHOWDOWN
IN LITTLE TOKYO - 1991) sends some ninjas to steal the sword
before Zac can deliver it. When Yamaguchi kidnaps Suay, Zac must find
a way to rescue her and still return the sword to the Embassy. Expect
plenty of slicing and dicing before this fight is over. This is
a decent Thailand-lensed action adventure that is equal parts martial
arts actioner, jungle adventure and crime drama. Director Adrian Carr (MIND
GAMES - 2003, also starring Norton) and screenwriter James
Wulf Simmonds (who shortened his name to "Jim Simmonds" to
essay the role of Gerry) keeps the film moving at a brisk pace by
constantly shifting gears and changing the direction of the plot.
Richard Norton is also given just enough screen time to show off his
martial arts skills as well as his skills at bedding women. Norton
may not be a good actor here (but, to be fair, he got better as the
years and films rolled by), but he does have enough goofy charm to
carry a film on his broad shoulders. What other action star do you
know that could pull-off stealing a kid's miniature go-kart and give
chase to the bad guys (who have kidnapped Suay) through the streets
of Bangkok and not make it look ridiculous? Can you imagine Seagal or
Van Damme doing the same thing? I think not. THE
SWORD OF BUSHIDO contains enough outrageous craziness and
bloody violence (including bullet hits to the head, slow-motion
shotgun blasts and sword impalements) to keep even the most jaded
action junkie entertained for 100 minutes. Producer John Lamond also
directed the Australian horror film NIGHTMARES
(a.k.a. STAGE FRIGHT -
1980). Also starring Roy Horiuchi, Kajit Chuayprasit, Mirren Lee,
Somboon Putaroj and Sompol Sungkawess. Never legitimately available
on U.S. home video, although it can be purchased on British VHS &
DVD (the print I viewed). Not Rated.
THEY
CALL HER...CLEOPATRA WONG (1978) -
Cleopatra Wong (Marrie Lee) is a globe-trotting Interpol agent who is
an expert martial artist and marks(wo)man. She travels from Manila to
Singapore to investigate a money counterfeiting ring, which has been
distributing phony bills all over the Far East. Cleo sets herself up
as a counterfeiter by paying for some expensive jewelry with bogus
money and getting herself arrested. Argo, the local kingpin of the
counterfeiting ring, bails her out of jail and has his goons bring
her to his mansion. When Cleo tells him the truth (that she's an
Interpol agent sent to catch him), he doesn't believe her (!), so he
has three brawny wrestlers try to beat her up. When they fail, Argo
brings out dozens of kung-fu fighters, but Cleo escapes (she jumps to
the top of a twenty foot wall with one leap!) and leads the bad guys
on a chase through Singapore, stopping every now and then to beat the
stuffing out of Argo's men.
Cleo captures Argo and his information leads her to Hong Kong, where
she follows a truck filled with crates of strawberry jam that are
concealing plastic bags filled with funny money. Cleo gets caught by
the crew on the truck, forcing her to kick the shit out of them (one
guy falls off a cliff). This leads Cleo back to Manila, where she
disguises herself as a reporter for "Asian Weekly" and
questions workers at a strawberry farm. This information takes her to
a Catholic monastary (!). She takes photos of the monastary and
notices a helicopter parked on the front lawn. Three thugs go to
Cleo's apartment and try to steal the negatives, but she shoots and
kills them all. Cleo and four hand-picked men assault the monastary,
armed with guns, bows and a high-tech shotgun, just as five of the
biggest heads of crime syndicates are holding a meeting there.
Disguising themselves as nuns, Cleo and her gang enter the monastary
and save all the real nuns, who are being held prisoner in the
basement. After getting the nuns to safety (the head nun gives them
her blessing to return to the monastary to kick ass!), Cleo and her
men clean house, killing all the bad guys. Cleo hops on her
tricked-out motorcycle (with hidden machine guns) and dishes out
justice to the head bad guy, who tries to get away in the
helicopter. Obviously made as a quick cash-in to the American
blaxploitation CLEOPATRA JONES
films, this early directorial effort by Bobby A. Suarez (ONE
ARMED EXECUTIONER - 1980; AMERICAN
COMMANDOS - 1985), here using the pseudonym "George
Richardson", is a light comical tale that's heavy on the martial
arts, but shys away from showing any real graphic bloodshed or
carnage. Most of the time, when people are shot, it's all bloodless
(there are some bloody bullet squibs in the finale, but nothing too
graphic). I did like Cleo's choice of men to go with her on the
monastary assault, as they are all veterans of Filipino cinema. They
include George (George Estregan), Dante (Dante Varona), Alex (Alex
Pecante) and Ben (Franco Guerrero, here billed as "Chico
Guerrero"). It's hard to watch a Philippines-lensed action film
made during the late 70's and 80's and not see at least one of these
four gentlemen appear in it. Like I said before, the majority of the
film carries a comical tone (nuns with moustaches; the head bad guy
at the monastary is called "Mr. Monk"), so don't go into
this expecting something like the hardcore action of FINAL
SCORE (1986) or DEATH RAIDERS
(1984), because you will be severely disappointed. This is more in
line with PG-rated fare, as the action is cartoonish and broad and
there is no nudity and very little foul language. Once you understand
this, you may find yourself liking this goofy little film, especially
when you hear dialogue like, "Freeze, or you're a dead nun!"
Director Suarez's next films were DYNAMITE
JOHNSON (1978), a sequel to both this film and his BIONIC
BOY (1977) and DEVIL'S THREE
(1979 - a.k.a. PAY OR DIE), a much
more violent, but still comical, second sequel to this film, both
starring Marrie Lee as Cleo. Also starring Johnny Wilson, Kerry
Chandler, Philip Gamboa and Bobbie Greenwood. Never legally available
on home video in the U.S., the widescreen print I viewed on DVD-R
looks to have been sourced from a beat-up, but watchable, 16mm print.
Finally available on a widescreen double
feature DVD (with Suarez's ONE ARMED EXECUTIONER) from Dark
Sky Films. Not Rated. NOTE: In 2007, Bobby A. Suarez
announced he was going to helm VENGEANCE OF CLEOPATRA WONG,
also starring Marrie Lee, but the last I heard, his financing fell
through. SAD NOTE: Bobby A. Suarez passed away on February 7, 2010.
TIGER
FIGHTING (1976) - Another
crazy action film from Thailand which very few people outside of its
native country have seen in unedited form. When Pang Danang (Sombat
Methanee; THE KILLER ELEPHANTS
- 1976) returns to a gambling casino to retrieve $500 cheated out of
his brother while playing Poker, the casino's owner (after seeing
what a good fighter he is and having his men sucker punch him in the
parking lot) offers Pang $10,000 to go to prison on a trumped-up
charge so he can get close to prisoner Tom, who is serving a life
sentence (The casino owner tells Pang that Tom is tall with wavy
hair, has a tattoo on his chest and, when he meets him, ask him about
"King Cobra", because he can't afford to wait for Tom to
get out of prison). Pang agrees to the deal (whatever it is;
something got lost in the translation from Thai to English) and the
next time we see him, he is pounding rocks with a sledgehammer in a
prison quarry. Pang finds Tom (only he's bald now!) and gets into a
guard-sanctioned fight with him, which Pang easily wins. After the
fight, Pang asks Tom about King Cobra and learns that King Cobra is a
powerful crime boss who is out to get Tom (which is why Tom shaved
off all his wavy hair!). Since he owes the casino owner a favor, he
tells Pang where King Cobra can be found: a town where Tom's brother
runs a small coffee shop. Another prisoner listens-in to their
conversation and that
night Tom is found dead, a shiv sticking out of his chest and a
crumpled piece of paper clenched in his fist (which is a letter of
introduction to King Cobra). Pang is released from prison and is
promptly picked up by men of the casino owner's rival and is driven
to his house, where the mobster offers Pang ten times the money the
casino owner offered him for the information of King Cobra's
whereabouts. Before Pang can answer, another rival gang breaks up the
meeting, a fight ensues and Pang gets away. Pang patiently waits for
his payment of $10,000, but is betrayed when the casino owner sends a
hitman to kill him after he gets the info on King Cobra's location.
Pang kills the hitman instead and becomes wanted by every crime
syndicate in the area because only he knows where King Cobra can be
found. After getting into a fight in a whorehouse, Pang heads to the
town where King Cobra is staying, where he meets a wealthy mine owner
and his beautiful daughter (Prichela Lee). Pang becomes the mine's
foreman, as well as the daughter's paramour, and foils an attempt to
sabotage the mine (which leads to a fight atop a dam) and kidnap the
daughter. The casino owner sends a hitwoman to kidnap Pang's brother,
which she does, and will only release him when Pang finds King Cobra
(who is now known as "Wang Pu") and turns him over to her
(It seems Wang Pu killed the hitwoman's parents years earlier. Wow,
this is getting confusing!). Pang finally meets Tom's brother at the
coffee shop and hands him the letter of introduction. Pang then meets
King Cobra, who has been hiding out in a cave (!), and Pang must
defend his life (It turns out King Cobra once saved Pang's life. Now
I'm really confused!) when members from all the crime syndicates
flood the town and try to kill King Cobra. How the hell is all this
going to turn out? It has something to do with a hidden princess and
a secret list of names of undercover agents. Although the plot
of this film (also known as MAGNUM
KILLERS and KARATE TIGER)
is much too confusing to follow, director Vichien Sa-Nguanthai (who
directed DIRTY HEROES [1979]
using the name "Vachien Sakon") and the uncredited
screenwriter(s) offer plenty of awkwardly-staged fighting scenes
(Pang uses his legs more than his arms and fists when he gets into
his many scrapes, which is probably why this is titled TIGER FIGHTING)
and bloody violence (including neck-snapping, bloody stabbings and
impalements) to keep the viewer occupied. The hilariously bad English
dubbing (the dubbers have a hard time deciding if the lead
character's name is "Pan" or "Pang") will have
you roaring with laughter at the absurdities of the dialogue ("My
heart has chosen to guard you!"), as well as voices that don't
match the actors (pay close attention to the gay owner of the
whorehouse). TIGER FIGHTING also contains a cockfighting
scene; a motorcycle that spits-out red smoke; torture by red-hot
poker (that looks surprisingly real) and meat hook (a graphic
effect); and a bit of female nudity that is creative for the way it
manages to show nothing obscene (all her naughty bits are hidden
behind a bathroom sink). Nothing earth-shattering, but a fun film
nonetheless. Also starring Boosith, Viboonlap, Anant-Choinanich and
Somkiat-Phranpriyachet. Released overseas by Joseph Lai's IFD Films
(although Lai's name doesn't appear on the credits). Originally
released on VHS in the U.S. by Unicorn
Video (under the title MAGNUM KILLERS) in an edited
version missing the meat hook torture and some of the more extreme
violence. The print I viewed was sourced from an unedited British VHS
tape. Not Rated.
TIGERSHARK
(1986) - Decent martial arts/actioner filmed in the Philippines.
A trio of beautiful models are kidnapped out of a hotel in some phony
Asian country, forcing Tava "Champ" Parker (co-scripter
Mike Stone; AMERICAN NINJA 2:
THE CONFRONTATION - 1987), the boyfriend of captured model
Karen (Pamela Bryant; H.O.T.S. -
1979), to leave his martial arts school in Hawaii and join old
Vietnam buddy Cowboy (John Quade; MR.
RICCO - 1975) and taxi driver Tony (Roy Alvarez) to rescue
the buxom beauties. Before Tava arrives, Cowboy and Tony head to an
upscale brothel run by Madame Claude (Rosemarie Gil; THE
DEVIL WOMAN - 1973), because they believe it's the most
logical place to hide three beautiful women. Turns out they are
right. As soon as Tava steps off the plane, he saves a young American
woman named Jan (producer Lana Lee Jones) from being kidnapped by the
same creeps that kidnapped the models, led by corrupt
official Colonel Barro (Vic Silayan; NIGHT
OF THE COBRA WOMAN - 1972). Tava beats the crap out of
Barro's men a short time later when they follow him out of the
airport (Tava sports a fake leg cast to make him look like an easy
target), which pisses-off Barro to no end. It seems Colonel Barro has
kidnapped Karen and her friends to satisfy the lust of Vladimir
(Jaime Fabregas), a Russian arms dealer that is about to trade a huge
amount of weapons to Colonel Barro for a fortune in heroin. When
Tava, Cowboy and Tony show up unannounced at Madame Claude's, they
discover that they have missed saving the girls by mere minutes.
After beating-up a few more of Barro's men, the trio end up at an
illegal martial arts tournament, where Tava challenges Barro's
champion fighter, Ponsok (Roland Dantes), to a duel to the death
(where they are chained together and kick each other in the body and
head with metal blades attached to their feet) in exchange for Karen
and the other models. When Tava wins, Barro renegs on the deal and
tosses Tava a roughed-up Jan instead. Jan tells Tava that the models
have been transferred to a communist camp in the jungle, so Tava,
Cowboy and Tony gear-up (with a CO2-powered dartgun, a rapid-fire
crossbow and other weird weapons) and head for the camp, meeting
heavy resistance along the way (including an unfriendly cobra). The
finale finds our heroic trio assaulting the enemy camp, rescuing the
models (although one doesn't make it out alive), killing Colonel
Barro (Tava stabs him in the balls when he tries to rape Karen) and
striking a huge blow against communism. The biggest detriment
to this humorous action flick, directed by Emmett Alston; NEW
YEAR'S EVIL - 1980; DEMONWARP
- 1988), is the dreadful performance by lead Mike Stone (the brother
of actress Sharon Stone and considered by many to be in the same
league as Chuck Norris and Bruce lee as one of the pioneers of
American Karate), who also co-wrote the screenplay with Ivan Rogers (CRAZED
COP - 1986). Stone has the emotional range of, well, a
stone, and the film suffers when he is required to actually act. As
an action hero he's just fine; his martial arts skills are dandy, but
put him next to an established character actor like John Quade (in a
rare good guy role; he usually plays greasy scumbags or corrupt cops
and is probably best known as Cholla, the leader of the Black Widow
motorcycle gang in EVERY
WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE [1978] and ANY
WHICH WAY YOU CAN [1980]) and he looks way out of his
element. The action here is plentiful and there is some graphic
violence (stabbings; the tournament fight; two guerillas shooting a
woman and a young boy in the back), but the majority of the violence
and pyrotechnics are saved for the finale, where our heroic trio
assaults the communist camp. There's also zero nudity, which is
strange considering the subject matter (Models and brothels and no
bare breasts? I'm deeply hurt.). Still, it's mindless fun if you can
get past the terrible performance of Mike Stone, who was also this
film's Fight Coordinator. Also starring Kasey Antonio, Jerry Bailey,
Eva Winnercrans, Jimmy Luspo, Taina Manigque and Pablo T. Manigque.
Never legitimately available on U.S. home video, the print I viewed
was sourced from a Dutch-subtitled VHS tape. Not Rated.
TNT
JACKSON (1975) - TNT (Jeanne Bell)
travels to Hong Kong searching for her missing brother (who we see is
killed in the beginning). As soon as she gets into town, she gets
into two big fights where she shows her martial arts prowess (she
breaks on guy's arm with a sickening snap and a gusher of blood). TNT
believes drug smuggler Sid (Ken Metcalfe, who also co-wrote the
screenplay with genre actor Dick Smith) is involved in her brother's
death so she goes undercover as a spy to find out the truth. She
cozies up to Sid's right-hand man and muscle,
Charlie (Stan Shaw), who sticks up for TNT when Sid thinks she's
involved in a series of drug hijackings that are seriously hurting
Sid's business (it's actually Charlie who is doublecrossing Sid). Sid
doesn't trust her (and rightfully so), so he sends Elaine (Pat
Anderson) to keep an eye on TNT. Elaine gets caught spying on TNT so
she knocks Elaine out and takes her captive. She then finds out that
Elaine is an undercover government agent who is deep in Sid's
operation. Elaine and TNT agree to work together to bring Sid down.
Sid sends Ming (Leo Martin) to beat the information out of TNT, but
she turns the tables and beats the shit out of Ming and his men
(while topless, the film's highlight). When TNT finally learns that
Charlie was responsible for her brother's death, she goes on a one
woman vendetta to bring him down, not caring that doing so will
interfere with Elaine's plan to arrest Sid. Elaine has TNT arrested,
not knowing that Sid has discovered Elaine's deception. It's now up
to TNT to break out of jail and get justice for everyone.
Although labelled as blaxploitation, TNT
JACKSON really isn't because there are only two black people
in the entire film (if you don't count TNT's brother in the
beginning). Besides one white woman (Elaine), it comes as no surprise
that Filipino director Cirio H. Santiago (who has almost 100 films to
his credit, including NAKED
VENGEANCE - 1985 and FUTURE
HUNTERS - 1988) fills the screen with Filipino actors and
locations. Jeanne Bell (POLICEWOMEN
- 1974) is an OK actress (and looks great naked) but it is apparent
that in many of the fights scenes a male stunt double in an afro wig
was used. The scene where she fights topless is memorable (and was
spoofed in Quentin Tarantino's JACKIE
BROWN - 1997), even if the fight choreography is awkward at
best. There are a few bloody scenes, especially when TNT puts her
fist through Charlie's stomach until it exits out his back, but
mostly it's just martial arts fights. The print used for the Dollar
DVD release is a total mess. It looks like it had a long life running
through projectors as it has plenty of emulsion scratches and is
missing quite a few frames during reel changes. It's like you're
watching the film at an actual grindhouse, minus the smell of ass and
sticky floors. This is a pretty entertaining flick if you can get
past the weak martial arts fights. Roger Corman was the uncredited
executive producer. Also starring Chiquito, Imelda Ilanan and Max
Alvarado. A Dollar DVD Release (actually a Brentwood subdivision).
Also available on a triple feature DVD (with FIRECRACKER
[1981; a remake of TNT JACKSON] and TOO
HOT TO HANDLE [1976]) as part of the LETHAL
LADIES COLLECTION (Volume One) from Shout!
Factory. Rated R.
THE
TORMENTORS (1971) - Truly
terrible biker drama that is ripe to be rediscovered. B. Brentwood
Kemp (Bruce Kemp) and his group of Nazi-loving bikers, called the
Fourth Reich, lead a path of death and destruction as they rob banks,
deal in illegal weapons and murder innocent people. When they rape
and strangle a young woman, her boyfriend Ballard (William Dooley)
swears revenge. When a police detective (Anthony
Eisley) refuses to help him, Ballard decides to infiltrate the gang,
passing himself off as a Nazi-lover in order to get close to Kemp.
Once he is accepted into the group he learns about many things,
including free love, love-ins and a mysterious Christ-like figure
called "The Messiah", who preaches love and understanding
amongst the youthful population. The Fourth Reich wants The Messiah
dead because he is taking the kids away from their cause. When The
Messiah is gunned down (next to a large wooden cross), Ballard
strikes up a deal with Eisley to finally end Kemp's reign. Ballard
has also fallen in love with Eve (Chris Noel), a Fourth Reich chick
who accidentally blows Ballard's cover. She is tortured with a lit
cigarette by Kemp's sadistic girlfriend (Inga Wege). It is up to
Ballard to save Eve and get his revenge on Kemp. This bizarre flick
has a strange preoccupation with knocking heads. In every fight scene
someone is having their head slammed repeatedly against an immovable
object such as a wall, floor or the hood of a car while the added
post-synch sound effects make it sound like watching a cartoon. There
are also some priceless 70's fashions and weird dialogue. At one
point, Kemp says after discovering Ballard's real identity, "Ve
vill shoot him. But mit taste und decorum!" Top-billed James
Craig (THE
CYCLOPS
- 1957) has little more than a cameo role playing Kemp's boss.
Screenwriter James Gordon White essays the role of Marco, a Fourth
Reich member who has a severe distrust in Ballard. Anthony Eisley has
made a career of appearing in truly awful films such as NAVY
VS THE NIGHT MONSTERS
(1965), Al Adamson's DRACULA
VS FRANKENSTEIN
(1971), Ted V. Mikel's THE
DOLL SQUAD
(1973) and Oliver Drake's classic badfilm MUMMY
& CURSE OF THE JACKAL
(1967). Director B. (Boris) Eagle is a pseudonym for hack director
David L. Hewitt, who is responsible for such dreck as RETURN
FROM THE PAST
(a.k.a. THE BLOOD SUCKERS
and GALLERY OF HORRORS
- 1967), THE
MIGHTY GORGA
(1969) and THE
LUCIFER COMPLEX
(1978). Why did he change his name on this one? With these facts
alone, THE
TORMENTORS
is a must for fans of bottom of the barrel entertainment. A Trans
World Entertainment Home Video Release. Also available on budget
fullscreen DVD from Platinum Disc Corporation. Rated
R.
TRAINED
TO KILL (1988) - During the
80's, action films like this were a dime a dozen and I avoided them
like the plague whenever I went to the video store. The funny thing
is, over twenty years later, I'm eating these films up like they are
manna from Heaven. Why? I've asked myself that question many times
and the only reasonable answer I can come up with is that 80's action
films throw political correctness out the window. Terrorists are
sweaty Arab towelheads, drug lords are greasy Mexicans, pimps and
crackheads are Black men who slap their women around and government
officials are traitors actually working for our worst enemies. When
the 90's rolled in, so did the PC police and many action films
suffered because of it (there are exceptions, though) and many of the
bad guys became so vanilla, it was hard to tell them apart from each
other. Which brings us to TRAINED
TO KILL. The film opens with Ed Cooper (Chuck Connors; TOURIST
TRAP - 1978) rescuing his Asian son Sam (Glen Eaton) in
Cambodia after a sixteen-year wait. Ed impregnated
Sam's Vietnamese mother during the war and she escaped to the States
with a fortune in diamonds, including the priceless Red Diamond, but
she callously left Sam behind. Meanwhile, Ace Durran (Henry Silva; BRONX
WARRIOR 2 - 1983) and his sidekick Loc Syn (Harold Diamond),
who likes to rip-out throats with his bare hands, have just aided in
breaking Walter Majyk (Robert Z'Dar; DEADLY
MEMORIES - 2002) and Felix Brewer (Marshall Teague; VENDETTA
- 1985) out of a Nevada military prison to follow Ed and Sam in hopes
that they will lead them to the Red Diamond. Walter and Felix are
eager to kill Ed since he was responsible for their twelve-year
incarceration, but Ace convinces them to keep their eyes on the
prize. Ace believes that Sam possesses the diamonds in a box he
carries with him at all times, so Ace and the gang try their
damnedest to steal it. Ed brings Sam home to meet his wife Martha
(Arlene Golonka), his other son Matt (Frank Zagarino; SPIKER
- 2007) and his best friend Cotton (Ron O'Neal; MERCENARY
FIGHTERS - 1988), as well as Matt's girlfriend Jessie (Lisa
Aliff). That night, Ace and his gang break into Ed house and steal
the box, but not before shooting Martha in the back and roasting Ed
alive with a flame-thrower (Loc Syn holds his hands over Ed's burning
body in a mock warming gesture!). Half-brothers Matt and Sam, along
with Jessie and the usually-soused Cotton, join forces to get revenge
on Ace, Loc Syn, Walter and Felix. After some intense training from a
sober Cotton (I smell an 80's training montage!), Matt and Sam go
after their prey, first killing Walter by throwing a grenade in his
car. When Loc Syn kidnaps Jessie and kills Cotton (an intense battle
of the blades that ends with Cotton getting his throat cut), Matt and
Sam must fight a battle to the death against Felix, Loc Syn and Ace
(in that order) in Las Vegas, that begins in a casino, spills out
onto the Strip and ends at an abandoned prison with Jessie chained to
the top of a huge bonfire. Although a little slow in getting
into its groove, TRAINED TO KILL
picks up considerable steam once Ed and his wife are killed.
Director/screenwriter H. Kaye Dyal (PROJECT:
ELIMINATOR - 1989, also starring Zagarino; He also
co-produced the faux horror flick SLASHED
DREAMS in 1975) not only gathered quite a cast of B-movie
veterans (which also includes Michael Pataki [GRAVE
OF THE VAMPIRE - 1972] in an uncredited cameo as a police
sergeant), he also stages some decent action set pieces that includes
gunfights, car chases and martial arts battles. While the low budget
shows itself more than I care for (including numerous appearances of
the boom mike at the top of the screen, although this could be
because the film is shown "open matte"), this film has an
infectious energy that's hard to deny. Sure, it's a cheap B-actioner
(and, yes, it does contain topless female nudity), but it's an
entertaining one with the right mixture of humor, drama, violence and
action. You can do a lot worse (and I have). Kane Hodder puts in an
appearance as a bouncer at a strip club who gets the crap kicked out
of him by Matt and Sam. Ray Dennis Steckler (BLOOD
SHACK - 1971) was coordinator of all the scenes shot in Las
Vegas. Originally available on VHS from Prism
Entertainment and not available on DVD. TRAINED
TO KILL is also available streaming on Amazon Prime. Not Rated.
TRIDENT
FORCE (1987) - Somewhere in the
desert of the Middle East, a British military outpost is living
peacefully with the local Muslim military and villagers. Lt. Rashid
(Anthony Alonzo; BLOOD WAR
- 1989) is assigned by his superiors to drive American reporter
Leslie Prentiss (Nanna Anderson) around so she can take photos of the
area. Lt. Rashid doesn't think this is any place for a woman and just
as he makes his feelings known to her, the whole military base comes
under attack by rebel forces, leading to a heated battle (lots of
shots in the head and objects exploding). When the smokes clears, the
British come out the winners and Leslie and Rashid look like they are
about to make a romantic connection. We then switch to the Kremlin,
where we watch some fat and balding guy named Abu Hassad (Ed Gaerlan)
banging a poor boys asshole (!) before some Russian guy interrupts
him with a briefcase full of cash and a plane ticket (What they are
to be used for is not yet made clear). We then switch to Malaysia,
where a woman dressed head-to-toe in black leather hops on a
motorcycle, drives into the middle of an
open-air café and triggers a bomb on her body, killing herself
and the majority of the people in the café. We then switch to
the Israeli Ambassador's residence in Beirut, where we watch a pair
of hooded terrorists savagely gun-down the Ambassador (Paul Holme; SPYDER
- 1988), his wife and two young kids as they are eating dinner. We
then learn that all these attacks were coordinated by the dastardly
Abu Hassad, who heads a terrorist organization called the Palestine
Revolutionary Legion. Lt. Rashid joins a top-secret group called the
Trident Organization to combat Hassad and the PRL (we also find out
that Leslie is a CIA operative), but first all the members of the
newly-formed Trident Force (which contains men from all cultures and
religions) must go through a rigorous training program (I smell an 80's-style
training montage!) before they can be put into the field. Rashid
makes an instant enemy in Training Officer Ox (Nick Nicholson, also
the Casting Director), who calls Rashid such epithets as
"camel-humper" and "Sinbad", but Rashid turns out
to be the best of the best and Ox turns out to be a pretty decent guy
after all. The Trident Force is set loose on the PRL, but
complications quickly arise when we discover Rashid's brother, Ahmed
(Mark Gil) is working undercover in the PRL. Abu Hassad discovers the
treachery and mails Ahmed's decapitated head in a box to Rashid. Oh
man, all bets are off now! I think we're going to see at least one
more person lose their head before this film concludes. Way
more plot-heavy and complex than the usual Filipino actioner, TRIDENT
FORCE plays more like a low-budget riff of THE
DIRTY DOZEN (1965), replacing the prisoners in DIRTY
with the best combat professionals from around the world, including
America (Jim Moss), China (Tony Lao), Spain (Carlos Terry), France
(Gerald Tosco), Germany (Rafael Schulz) and other countries. The
complex storyline (the opening credits don't appear until 18 minutes
in!), by screenwriters Rosanno Abelardo and Sigfried Sepulveda (Joe
Mari Avellana gets a "Story By" credit), follows a three
tier approach: 1) Display the PRL's terror tactics around the world.
2) Introduce all the members of the Trident Force and put them
through their paces (including personal dramas). 3) Unleash the
Trident Force on Abu Hassad and the PRL. Director "Richard
Smith" (actually a pseudonym for female producer Maria Sarrett)
offers the viewer plenty of violence, as people are riddled with
bullets (a lot of them in the skull region), Leslie is tortured with
a stun gun, plenty of people and buildings explode and the final
fifteen minutes is a non-stop barrage of death and destruction. This
may not be one of the best Filipino actioners I've seen, but it
contains enough weirdness (including forced gay sex and Anthony
Alonzo preparing himself for final battle by shaving-off all his body
hair, including his pubes, with a knife!), bloody violence and strict
Muslim morals (that doesn't come across nearly as preachy as it does
in KRIS COMMANDO
[1987] or the previously-mentioned BLOOD WAR) to make this a
worthwhile choice for fans of Philippines-made action. Also starring
Steve Rogers, Willy Schober, Tony Ogumsaya, Majid Jadali, Randy
Hrobar, Ronnie Patterson, Mike Aguas and Moshen Hassani. Mike Monty
and Dave Gibberson have blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameos, Filmed under
the title THE ULTIMATE SOLUTION. Never legitimately available
on home video in the U.S., the version I viewed was sourced from a
Dutch-subtitled VHS tape. Not Rated.
TRIPLE
IMPACT (1992) - Another
Philippines-lensed martial arts actioner from Davian International,
the same company that gave us BLOOD
RING (1991) and many others. During the Vietnam War, a
platoon of American soldiers are ambushed by the VC and nearly
everyone is killed (one soldier has his leg blown off when he steps
on a land mine), except for Captain Burroughs (screenwriter Steve
Rogers: SPYDER -
1988) and Sgt. Adams (Robert Marius; FIST
OF GLORY - 1991), who fall into a cave and discover a crate
that contains a solid gold statue of Buddha. Twenty years pass, and
best friends Dave Masters (Dale "Apollo" Cook; FIST
OF STEEL - 1991) and James Stokes (Ron Hall; DOUBLE
BLAST - 1994), who make a living fighting in fixed illegal
back alley martial arts bouts, save a harried-looking Sgt. Adams from
a bunch of goons working for crime kingpin McMann (Nick Nicholson; NO
DEAD HEROES - 1986). It seems Adams has spent
the last twenty years in a military prison for assaulting Captain
Burroughs (in all fairness, Burroughs got greedy and tried to kill
Adams) and was just released. Adams tells Dave and James that if they
help him find the cave where he hid the golden Buddha, he will split
the proceeds 50/50. Adams draws them a map to where the cave is
located in Cambodia and then he is shot dead by McMann's thugs. Since
Dave and James are broke and need money to go to Cambodia, Dave
enters himself in a fight against the Philippines' best martial
artist, Cobra Cole (Mike Cole), for a $20,000 purse. After winning
the fight (barely), Dave and James fly to Cambodia and hook-up with
female martial artist Julie Webb (Bridgett "Baby Doll"
Riley), the girlfriend of one of Dave's old buddies, who recently
died in a car accident. Julie is not too happy to see Dave (they have
a romantic history), but she gets talked into joining the jungle hunt
for the statue. Trouble ensues when McMann plans his own jungle
adventure with a drug-addled (and blind!) Captain Burroughs as their
hazy guide. Dave, James and Julie fly into the jungle by helicopter,
but they get shot down by rebel drug runners, taken prisoner and then
forced to fight one-on-one against the rebel's best fighters in the
"Ring Of Death" for their freedom. Meanwhile, the blind and
drugged-out Burroughs accidentally walks off a cliff, killing
himself, leaving McMann without a guide, so he orders his head
henchman, Karl (Ned Hourani; KING
OF THE KICKBOXERS 2 - 1992), to bring our heroic trio to
him. They manage to escape from Karl and locate the cave and the
statue, but McMann and his goons show up a short time later, which
leads to a fight-filled finale full of flying fists and feet, a gun
battle or two and plenty of explosions. Our trio are the only ones
who make it out alive, but they do so without the statue. Dave has a
new plan to retrieve the statue, but James and Julie convince him
otherwise. Played more as a comedic action adventure than a
straight martial arts flick, TRIPLE
IMPACT utilizes much more location work than the usual cheap
90's Filipino actioners and is therefore a much more interesting and
enjoyable film. Though no one has ever accused Dale Cook of being a
good actor (and believe me, he's not), he does have good chemistry
with Ron Hall and Bridgett Riley (who has a very strange-looking
nose) and their comical banter and the situations they get themselves
into do manage to raise a chuckle or two. Director/producer David
Hunt (SUDDEN THUNDER - 1990;
who used his real name, "David Hung", when acting as
cinematographer on THEY CALL HER...CLEOPATRA
WONG [1978] and editor on ONE-ARMED
EXECUTIONER [1980]) and screenwriter Steve Rogers (who gives
himself the most humorous death scene) raise this film a notch or two
above most 90's Filipino actioners thanks to the location work, a
wide variety of fight scenes (only one actually takes place in a
ring), some bloody war action in the beginning, a pretty exciting
finale in a cave and lots of intentional humor. It's also nice to see
Nick Nicholson in a larger role than normal, since he is usually
assigned to secondary or bit parts. All in all, not a bad way to
spend 92 minutes. Also starring Tom Seal, Sheila Lentin and Barbara
Dougan. Originally available on VHS from A.I.P.
Home Video and not available on DVD. Not Rated.
UNDER
THE GUN (1995) -
Frank Torrance (Richard Norton) is having one of those nights when
nothing goes right. This former hockey star-turned-nightclub owner
has just ripped-off the Mob for $450,000, is in the midst of selling
his nightclub for over a million bucks (if he could
only get in touch with his accountant who has the phony financial
books) and hopes to skip to Mexico with his annoyed wife (Jane
Badler; V: THE SERIES
[1983 - 1985] and the 2009 - 2011 Reboot)
at 6 A.M. But things dont run too smoothly. Frank has to
contend with a murderous police detective, a pimp with a grudge, the
Chinese Triad and employees who may not be what they seem. A good,
involving storyline with wall-to-wall action gives this film a major
edge over most of the video fodder on the shelves. Richard Norton (THE
FIGHTER - 1988) is quite good in a role that lets him
exercise his acting chops as well as his karate chops. An excellent
example of what a B-movie action film should be. Also starring Kathy
Long (THE STRANGER - 1994), Roland
Dantes, Peter Lindsay and Robert Bruce. Made in Australia by
director/writer Matthew George (FOUR JACKS
- 2001), who gives you your moneys worth in both departments.
Not to be confused with the 1988
action film with the same name, starring Sam Jones and Vanessa
Williams. A Triboro Entertainment Group Home Video Release. Not
Rated.
UNMASKING
THE IDOL (1986) - The first
of two films (the other being THE
ORDER OF THE BLACK EAGLE - 1986) featuring James Bond wannabe
Duncan Jax (Ian Hunter) and his baboon sidekick Boon. When we first
see Duncan, he is stealing a micro-cassette from an apartment in a
high-rise building when he is suddenly spotted by some bad guys.
After using his expert ninja fighting moves (he wears a hood made of
chain mail!), he jumps off the balcony (at least twenty stories high)
and lands in a swimming pool (the sight of an obvious dummy falling
will have you howling with laughter), where he escapes by somehow
getting his hands on a hot air balloon, rises out of the water and
floats through the air while the bad guys fire their guns aimlessly
while choking on poison gas. Duncan's boss, Star
(C.K. Bibby), gives Duncan his next job: Steal over a billion
dollars in gold bars from Devil's Crown Island, protected by a masked
ninja known as the Scarlet Leader and his scarlet-wearing ninja
assassins (The Scarlet Leader also has a pond full of piranhas next
to his throne, where he throws unwanted visitors to his island). Also
on the island is the Baron, a.k.a. Goldtooth (Ron Campbell), the
person responsible for the murder of Duncan's parents, so Duncan
takes this assignment personally. After receiving some gadgets from
the Q-like Sato (Shangtai Tuan), Duncan and Boon (whose main talent
seems to be flipping everyone off) put a team together and head to
Devil's Crown Island, including female agent Gunner (Lise Peterson),
helicopter pilot Bugs (Vernard Littleton) and The Whale (William T.
Hicks; A DAY OF JUDGMENT
- 1981), an overweight prisoner in a Latin American jail that Duncan
must break-out because he has a map somewhere on his large body that
can lead them to the gold. It's obvious that someone on the team is a
traitor because the Scarlet Leader feeds Duncan's inside contact,
Echo (Janet Nease), to his piranhas (Guard #1: "Boy,
he's strict!" Guard #2: "Yeah!").
After catching the traitor, Duncan and his team land on the island
(but first they send a bunch of explosive dummies by parachute to
blow up the Scarlet Leader's first line of defense) and an all-out
ninja war ensues, complete with sword fights, gun battles, bazookas
and plenty of explosions. The final battle includes a pit of
alligators, a giant gold statue of Buddha that is stuffed with
priceless gems, a one-on-one fight between Duncan and the Scarlet
Leader that leads to his (actually, her) unmasking (in which Duncan
groaningly says, "Frankly Scarlet, I don't give a damn!")
and the destruction of Goldtooth's submarine, thereby letting Duncan
get the vengeance he needs for his parents' deaths. James Bond would
be proud if he wasn't laughing so hard. This is a competently
made actioner with some intentional, but mostly unintentional, bits
of humor. Director Worth Keeter (WOLFMAN
- 1979; L.A. BOUNTY - 1989; SNAPDRAGON
- 1993; SCORPIO ONE - 1998)
and screenwriter Phil Behrens, who both worked in the same capacities
on the sequel, fill the film with wall-to-wall action, but some of
the dialogue and set pieces are risible and outlandish, such as when
Star chastises Boon the baboon for chewing gum at a staff meeting or
the Scarlet Leader's constant need for quoting lines from THE
WIZARD OF OZ. My favorite line comes when one of the guards
on Devil's Crown Island puts this out on a radio broadcast:
"Calling all guards. Calling all guards. Be on the lookout for
trespassing ninjas." The fights and action sequences are all
very well choreographed and executed and the set direction,
especially the Scarlet Leader's hideout, is colorful and amusing.
All-in-all, UNMASKING THE IDOL
is an entertaining time-waster if you like cheap James Bond
knockoffs, complete with a Bond-like opening and closing tune
(co-written by Keeter and sung by Obie Jessie). Unlike the R-rated
sequel, this film's violence is PG level, but there are some scenes
that push the boundaries. Filmed in North and South Carolina, some on
Earl Owensby's sound stages, where Keeter began his career. Also
starring Shakti Chen, Bud Browning, Danny Spivey, Theo Levine and
David Hager. Originally released on VHS by Celebrity Home
Entertainment and not available on DVD. Rated PG.
VELVET
SMOOTH (1975) -
Four guys in masks are beating the crap out of small business owners,
which pisses off local crime lord King, who was using those
businesses as fronts for his gambling and numbers rackets. King hires
local female detective Velvet Smooth (Johnnie Hill) to find out who
is responsible for muscling in on his territory. Velvet assembles an
all-female crew and begins her investigation. When a group of masked
thugs tries to beat up and rob one of King's bagmen, Frankie, one of
Velvet's broads, beats the living daylights
out of a dozen goons in one of the most awkwardly staged martial
arts in blaxploitation film history (all the fights were
choreographed by co-star Owen Wat-Son, who plays King). After Velvet
herself is attacked and beats the stuffing out of four masked
hooligans (another bad kung-fu fight), it becomes apparent that one
of King's right-hand men, Calvin, is behind all this trouble. Things
come to a boil when one of King's bagmen is robbed and knifed to
death in front of dozens of witnesses and the police finally become
involved. Velvet and her girls are convinced that Calvin is involved
but think he's too stupid to be doing this all on his own. They
devise a plan to flush out the kingpin even though King is convinced
that Calvin is acting alone and kicks him out of the organization.
When masked thugs rob one of King's gambling dens, steal all his
money in the safe and beat up one of Velvet's lady friends, Velvet,
King and the crew track Calvin to a pool hall and a major fight
ensues, resulting in the death of Calvin by a trigger-happy cop. King
finally learns the identity of the person trying to take over his
business and loses his life. Velvet gets revenge and there's a final
surprise as the film fades to black. For an action flick, VELVET
SMOOTH (which, believe it or not, was retitled DIRTY
MARRY in some territories!) is pretty pitiful. As a
blaxploitation film, it's even worse. Director Michael Fink (FORCE
FOUR - 1974) hasn't got a clue how to block a fight scene,
as the camera is always in the worse possible position, catching
every missed punch and kick by a country mile. It becomes very
distracting (and not the least bit funny) after the second fight.
There's also bad acting (it looks as if some of the actors are
reading their lines off of cue cards), extremely poor soul music (I
swear that my ears bled at one point) and some cheap gore so, if I
were you, I would let this forgotten little relic (made to cash-in on
better blaxploitation films like CLEOPATRA
JONES - 1973 and COFFY -
1973) stay forgotten. This is one of the crappiest blaxploitation
films ever made and that's saying a lot. Also starring Frank Ruiz,
Moses Illiya, Rene Van Clief, Elsie Roman, Wilfredo Roldan and
Emerson Boozer. Originally released by Paragon
Home Video on VHS, you can also get this on DVD as part of
Brentwood Communications 4 movie compilation titled BAD
BROTHAS-MEAN MUTHAS. Rated R.
THE
VIOLENT PROFESSIONALS (1973) -
When it comes to naming the best Italian genre directors, it's hard
not to put Sergio Martino on that list. Not only was he a master at
directing giallo films, giving us THE
STRANGE VICE OF MRS. WARDH (1971), THE
CASE OF THE SCORPION'S TAIL (1971), ALL
THE COLORS OF THE DARK (1972), YOUR
VICE IS A LOCKED ROOM AND ONLY I HAVE THE KEY (1972), and my
personal favorite, TORSO
(1973), he also turned out some excellent Poliziotteschi ("Tough
Cop") and Eurocrime flicks, including GAMBLING
CITY (1975), SILENT ACTION
(1975) and this movie, one of
the best Tough Cop films out there. Hell, Martino made some great
films in many genres, be it Horror (MOUNTAIN
OF THE CANNIBAL GOD - 1978), Science Fiction (AFTER
THE FALL OF NEW YORK - 1983; HANDS
OF STEEL - 1986), Fantasy (SCREAMERS
- 1980), or Spaghetti Westerns (ARIZONA
COLT RETURNS - 1970; MANNAJA
[A MAN CALLED BLADE] - 1977), he could do it all. This film
works due to Martino's deft hand at direction, Luc Merenda's (TOUGH
TO KILL - 1978) biting performance and plenty of nudity,
violence, car chases and stunts, making it a film worth watching,
especially if you have never experienced a Martino film before. This
will make you a fan for life.
Giorgio (Merenda; KIDNAP
SYNDICATE - 1975) is a no-nonsense cop recently transferred
to Milan after getting into some unknown trouble in another Italian
city. He also has trouble keeping friends, as they usually end up
dead because of criminals with no respect for the law. One such
friend, a local cop who is transporting three violent criminals by
train, is killed when one of the criminals, Casardi (Antonio Casale,
as "Anthony Vernon"; WHAT
HAVE YOU DONE TO SOLANGE? - 1972), tells another cop he has
to pee, so he leads him to the bathroom, only for Casardi to pull out
a knife he had hidden in his crotch, and stab the cop to death,
stealing his gun. Casardi then shoots and kills Giorgio's friend and
releases the other two criminals, including Cruciani (personal
favorite Luciano Rossi;
DEATH SMILES ON A MURDERER
- 1973), but the third criminal gets shot in the back and dies, as
Casardi and Cruciani jump off the train and escape. We then see the
two crooks stop a car and kill the driver, stealing the car with the
driver's seven-year-old daughter still in the car. As the girl begins
to cry and she won't stop, Casardi tells Cruciani to kill the girl
(in a very tense scene). We then see Giorgio examining the stolen
car, the dead body of the young girl still inside. A radio call comes
in saying that the two criminals are trapped in the woods and Giorgio
goes there, telling the other cops to give them a minute to give
themselves up, while he circles around them. As Casardi and Cruciani
get into a gunfight with the cops, they can see that they are
outnumbered and there is no escape, so they give themselves up, still
holding on to their machine guns. Giorgio shows up behind them and
orders them to drop their guns. When they don't do it fast enough,
Giorgio shoots and kills them both, some cops saying he killed them
in cold blood, but Giorgio doesn't care, telling his superior (and
friend) Gianni (Silvano Tranquilli; THE
SLASHER...IS THE SEX MANIAC! - 1971) that Casardi and
Cruciani were already lifers, so what could the courts do to them for
killing a little girl and her father? He did Italy a favor by killing
them. Gianni tells Giorgio that his actions could get him kicked off
the force, but he will do all he can to make sure that doesn't
happen. Gianni has been working on a series of high-money bank
robberies all over town that has him stumped and suggests to Giorgio
that he help him on the case.
A short time later, Giorgio's boss, Captain Del Buono (Chris Avram; A
BAY OF BLOOD - 1971), is murdered on the street by an
assassin who walks up to him and shoots him point blank. Giorgio
promises Del Buono's wife (Valeria Sabel; BARON
BLOOD - 1972) that he will catch her husband's killer to
make sure he gets the justice he deserves, but Gianni tells him that
he's been kicked off the force for using excessive force. Giorgio
decides to continue his investigation as a civilian, using his
experience as a cop to get to the bottom of why his Captain was
killed and who is the mastermind behind the bank robberies. What
Giorgio discovers is quite unusual, especially the reason why Del
Buono was killed and why banks are being robbed (they are related). A
reason ripped from Italy's history from that time period.
Giorgio starts his investigation by robbing a nameless prostitute
(Lia Tanzi; Martino's THE
SUSPICIOUS DEATH OF A MINOR - 1975) and beating up her
husband/pimp, Pepi (Rosario Borelli; LOADED
GUNS - 1975), and telling him that he's his wife's pimp now!
( He also takes Pepi's car! Doing so gets his face known around
town). He then enters the Jolly Club, a poolhall known to be the
place where crime kingpin Padulo (Richard Conte; THE
POSSESSOR - 1975) hangs out. Giorgio starts intentionally
losing at the game of pool (When one of the pool players tells
Giorgio that he will lose his shirt, Giorgio tells him, "I have
plenty of shirts!"), just so he can get into a fight with the
tough guys and to prove to Padulo that he can handle himself. After
coming out the winner, Giorgio introduces himself to Padulo and
offers his services as a getaway driver, telling Padulo that he will
find no one better, but Padulo tells him his motto is "Flying
Low" (as in "off the radar", his favorite saying) and
someone like Giorgio would get him exposure he doesn't need. Giorgio
starts a conversation with pretty girl Maria (Martine Brochard; EYEBALL
- 1975), the girlfriend of Giacomo (Luciano Bartoli; THE
FIFTH CORD - 1971), one of Padulo's hoods. They leave the
poolhall together and Padulo tells his two best hoods (portrayed by
Claudio Ruffini [MEAN
FRANK AND CRAZY TONY - 1973] and Sergio Smacchi [MAD
DOG - 1977]) to follow them. Giorgio steals an old classic
car and takes Maria to a restaurant, where she tells him her life
story (He ends up calling her "Maria Ex", because she quits
everything she starts, never completing it [such as high school]).
After dinner, Maria invites Giorgio back to her place, but he becomes
disgusted when he discovers it is a squalid home for drug addicts and
prostitutes (Maria is both) that is nothing but a giant room with
dirty cots, where whores screw johns in front of everyone. Giorgio
walks out on Maria and loses the two goons following him (They think
he will spend the night with Maria, so there's no use waiting in the
cold for him). Padulo then sends three novice crooks, including
Giacomo, to rob a bank for him, with Giorgio as the getaway driver,
but when they rob the bank, one of the crooks shoots and kills a
pregnant woman in the stomach, which upsets Giorgio (and makes
Giacomo sick!) and he leads the police on a wild car chase throughout
the city of Milan. He drives the car right to the door of the police
station, but the cops shoot and kill all three bank robbers, making
Giorgio mad, telling them it was their only hope of solving who is
behind the robberies (Padulo is still untouchable). It seems the cops
are more trigger-happy than Giorgio, but no one is bringing them up
on charges because the robbers killed a pregnant woman (I guess an
unborn dead baby is more important than the life of a seven-year-old
girl, but, hey, this is justice, Italian style!).
Long story short, Giorgio discovers that these bank robberies are
being committed to finance an anarchist organization that wants to
create chaos in Italy in order to "build a new nation." It
turns out Padulo is not the head of this organization (telling
Giorgio that he's "just a small cog in a very big wheel"),
but Giorgio and Padulo get into a knock-down, drag-out fight (it is
obvious no stunt people were used in this fight), Giorgio telling
him, "I'll hurt you so bad you'll wish mirrors were never
invented!" The fight ends when Padulo falls down and hits his
head on the base of a marble statue, sending him to the hospital in a
coma. Giorgio becomes a wanted man, but he knows someone will come to
the hospital to try and kill Padulo just in case he does wake up. The
assassin who killed Captain Del Buono shows up in Padulo's hospital
room and disconnects his breathing tube, but Giorgio is hiding in the
room and a gunfight breaks out, Giorgio killing the assassin, but
ends up getting shot in the shoulder in the process (no one even
tries to reconnect Padulo's breathing tube, letting him die
instead!). Gianni once again pulls Giorgio's ass out of the fire, but
it becomes clear that Gianni is part of the anarchist organization
(Giorgio discovers one of Padulo's cigars in Gianni's ashtray), as he
asks Giorgio to join the organization because it needs a hero and
"the people respect order only when you force them."
Giorgio agrees to join, but once he gets out of the hospital, he
tells Gianni no deal. This leads to a car chase between Gianni and
Giorgio, where Giorgio forces Gianni's car off the road and over an
embankment, where we watch the car do several rolls and Gianni dies.
Giorgio looks at his friend's bloody body, walks away and pulls his
gun from his belt, throwing it to the ground. THE END.
This is a damn fine piece of filmmaking, full of choice dialogue,
supplied by Martino's longstanding collaborator Ernesto Gastaldi
(author or co-author of all the screenplays to Martino's giallo films
and many of his other films) and a good turn by Luc
Merenda, who looks like he is having one helluva time here. His
stare with those stark eyes of his could melt glass and there's no
denying he has a presence. It's also easy to see why all women love
him in this film, even when he robs them (the unnamed prostitute) or
throws away the drugs they need to get high (Maria). A lot of actors
would have broadly played Giorgio, but Merenda adds just the right
amount of humor and pathos to make his role relatable to the audience
and not make him seem cartoonish. The violence level is also very
high in this film, as people are shot in the head or riddled with
bullets. I was worried they were going to show Luciano Rossi killing
the young girl, but Martino handles it in a way that still makes it
shocking without making it graphic. It's a highly intense scene that
will make you grasp the armrest of your chair in suspense and fear.
This film also has a lot of car chases and car stunts, more than I
have ever seen in a film in this genre. They are very well filmed (no
speeding up the film as most chases are) and are very involving.
Martino never fails to surprise me when it comes to his films. They
are very well photographed, acted and scripted, making them top-notch
entertainment for the masses out there who crave some plot with their
violence. Also look for various shots of J&B
Scotch bottles throughout the film. There's even a healthy dose
of female nudity here, making this film a recommended treat for fans
of Poliziotteschi and Eurocrime.
Shot as MILANO
TREMA: LA POLIZIA VUOLE GIUSTIZIA ("Milan Trembles: The
Police Want Justice"), this film obtained a U.S.
theatrical release by Scotia American in 1975 and then released
on fullscreen VHS
by Paragon
Video Productions in the mid-'80s. There have been several edited budget
fullscreen DVDs released due to this title falling into the
Public Domain (PD), including the bootleg GRINDHOUSE
EXPERIENCE 20 Film Box Set from those thieving bastards at
VideoAsia, but the first uncut widescreen
DVD release came from Wild East Productions in 2008, with a
beautiful Blu-Ray
from Code Red in 2018 (which
is how I viewed it). It can also be found streaming on YouTube from
user "Eurocrime Realm" in a nice anamorphic widescreen
print, dubbed in English (The Blu-Ray gives you the choice of
watching it in the original Italian with English subtitles or English
dubbed), but this is a film you should own as part of your film
library. Also featuring Carlo Alighiero (THE
CAT O' NINE TAILS - 1971), Steffen Zacharias (THEY
CALL ME TRINITY - 1970), Enrico Marciani (CRY
OF A PROSTITUTE - 1974) and Ezio Sancrotti (EXECUTION
SQUAD - 1972). Look for an uncredited cameo by Sergio
Martino as a hospital orderly. Be aware that the Italian language
version differs significantly in dialogue from the English dubbed
version, giving some scenes a totally different tone and giving other
scenes a totally different meaning, which is why I prefer watching a
film in its original language when given the choice. Rated R.
VIRUS
(1996) - After
his debut in STONE
COLD
(1990), I have been a fan of ex-footballer turned actor Brian
Bosworth. But even I have a problem with this action vehicle. For
one, its rated PG-13, so the Boz has to keep the carnage down
to a minimum. Then theres the fact that the entire film is
slow-moving, which make it seem twice as long than it actually is.
Bosworth stars as Ken Fairchild, a Secret Service agent assigned to
protect the President. He is sent to secure a location in a state
park in Oregon, a site in which a world conference is to be held.
Once there, he is accidentally infected by a new strain of germ
warfare, developed secretly by the government without the
Presidents knowledge. Bosworth, with the help of a female
veterinarian (Leah Pinsent), must try to warn the President while
avoiding the government baddies who are trying to kill him. Not
terribly exciting or original, VIRUS
(shown on cable TV under its original title, SPILL)
is just a typical Canadian-made tax shelter film. Director Allan A.
Goldstein (BLACK
OUT
- 1995, also starring Bosworth) offers no suspense and badly-staged
fight scenes, severe no-nos in an action film. Bosworth has
done much better. Check out ONE
MANS JUSTICE
(a.k.a. ONE TOUGH BASTARD
- 1995) for superior Brian Bosworth fare. Boz also starred in BACK
IN BUSINESS
in 1997. If you can believe it, its worse than VIRUS.
Also starring Eric Peterson and Chuck Shamata (HOUSE
BY THE LAKE a.k.a.
DEATH WEEKEND - 1976).
A Vidmark Entertainment
Home Video Release. Rated
PG-13,
so dont expect much bone-crushing violence.
WAKE
OF DEATH (2004) - Jean-Claude
Van Damme has matured into something more than an action star. He has
become an actor. This film should cement that once and for all. Yes,
this is a DTV action flick but, believe me when I say that this is
better than 95% of the crap that gets released to theaters. It also
has a heart and soul usually not found in films of this type. When a
14 year-old Chinese girl witnesses her crimelord father (Simon Yam)
kill her mother, she escapes on a ship headed to America and ends up
in the custody of a female social worker for the INS. When the
crimelord comes to America looking for his daughter (he has a severe
hatred for white people), a crooked INS agent points him to the
social worker. He ends up slitting the social worker's throat (and
kills her adoptive Chinese parents, too), but the little girl and her
son Nicholai get away. What the crimelord didn't count on was that
the social worker has a devoted loving husband, Ben Archer (Van
Damme), an ex-mob enforcer who gave up his gangster life to have a
normal relationship with his wife and son. Now, Ben will revert back
to his violent past to hunt down the crimelord and make him pay. And
make him pay hard. After making sure his son and the girl are safely
tucked away in a safehouse, Ben reconnects with his mobster cronies
and sets out to destroy the crimelord's life and businesses from the
bottom up. He takes out three guys at one of the crimelord's
whorehouses (he kills one of the guys who was present at his wife's
murder by blowing the top of his head off with a shotgun). Ben and
his cohorts torture the crooked INS agent with a power drill to get
the location of the crime boss, but the shifty Chinaman manages to
grab Ben's son and the girl from the safehouse. After a well-executed
car chase (performed by Remy Julienne's stunt team), Ben manages to
get the girl, but the bad guys get away with his son. Ben uses the
little girl as bait for a final showdown on a ship docked at the L.A.
harbour, which turns out to be a non-stop barrage of explosions,
knife fights, fist fights, gun fights and death. Deftly
directed and co-written by Philippe Martinez (CITIZEN
VERDICT
- 2003), the film moves at a brisk pace but doesn't lose it's
emotional center thanks to an eye-opening performance by Van Damme.
Age may have given him more wrinkles, but it has also given him more
character and it's apparent he cares about the quality of his work
(as opposed to most of Steven Seagal's recent work). Van Damme is
quite simply a revelation here as a committed husband who loses most
of his humanity once his wife dies. You can actually see it drain
from his face. The violence in this film is brutal. Not only are
people shot point-blank in the head, there's also shotgun deaths,
broken necks, the hard-to-watch power drill torture scene and the
bloody finale where Van Damme and his gangster brother assault the
ship (including a painful knife to the crotch). Although Van Damme
does let his feet do the talking in some scenes, he's equally at ease
with letting his gun finish off the bad guys, too. That's the true
sign that Van Damme is maturing not only as an actor, but also as a
human being. A man has to know his limitations and after watching him
in this and his recent prison flick IN
HELL (2003), I think the world is ready to see him on the
big screen again, this time under a totally different light. I
certainly look forward to what his future has to offer. Given it's
troubled production history (two directors, including Ringo Lam,
either quit or were fired before Martinez took over), it's surprising
everything about WAKE OF DEATH,
from the acting, directing, photography and stunts, is first-class
and it should please action fans looking for a quality fix. Also
starring Philip Tan, Valerie Tian, Tony Schiena, Claude Hernandez,
Lisa King and a blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameo by Burt Kwouk. Filmed
in South Africa. A DEJ Productions DVD Release. Rated R.
WARDOGS
(1986) - This unbelievably violent Swedish actioner begins with a
funeral, where Charles Stewart (Ted Earle) confronts his mother and
sister about his brother Rick's (Bill Redvers) death. Charles doesn't
believe that his brother is dead and is out to prove that Rick, who
disappeared during a top secret raid he participated in with his
brother in Vietnam years earlier, is still alive, despite a letter
his mother received from the government which states otherwise. We
then see a band of soldiers wipe out a town with gunfire when a
Spanish official and his daughter stop there to use the toilet and
get an ice cream cone. The soldiers graphically shoot everyone in
sight, including women and children. Charles gets in touch with
reporter Dean Daniels (Gunnar Ernblad) who, along with cameraman
Roger Hoover (David Gillies), took film footage of the town
slaughter. When both Dean and Roger are both savagely murdered (Dean
is shot repeatedly and then blown up with a
grenade, while Roger is garrotted out in public and left hanging on a
lightpole), Charles gets his hands on the footage and it shows
Charles' old Special Forces leader Spacek (Bengt Fridh) leading a
troop of top secret soldiers on the slaughter of the town and one of
the soldiers is his brother Rick. Charles is now a marked man, as
Spacek sends his "WarDogs" after him, nearly killing him at
a carnival and a restaurant, where many innocent people are
gunned-down. Charles is eventually captured by Spacek and tortured
with a metal hook to his chest and, after some hand-to-hand combat
with Spacek (where Charles loses), Charles escapes with the help of
his brother Rick, who has been fed a steady diet of experimental
drugs in an attempt to make him and those like him perfect killing
machines. Now, Charles and Rick must fight Spacek and his band of
chemically-altered soldiers. After Charles and Rick kill all the
soldiers and Spacek, Charles brings his brother home to meet his wife
Sheila and little son Ricky (named after his brother). The government
and Inspector Parnell (Sidney Livingstone) go after Rick, because
they feel he can never be cured. They are correct, as what happens
next at Charles' house is a slow-motion ballet of violence. Rick
snaps and Charles realizes that Rick was better left dead back in
Nam. You can never go home again. This insanely violent action
film is so bloody and without morals that it has no problem showing
innocent children getting blown away in painful-to-watch slow motion. Directors/producers/scripters
Bjorn Carlstroem and Daniel Hubenbecher ladle on the bloody bullet
squibs. When someone gets shot, they don't just bleed, they explode
in a shower of blood. This plays like an ultra-low-budget version of UNIVERSAL
SOLDIER (1992), made six years later (Hmmmm...), where
Charles saves his brother from a life as a "perfect soldier"
and then being hunted down by the other soldiers before they can go
public with the secret. There are car chases (when Charles and Rick
try to escape in a Volvo, it is slowly torn apart piece-by-piece by
Spacek and his soldiers), explosions (too many grenades to count),
bullets to the head (ditto) and some people are literally torn apart
by gunfire. This is not a film for the faint of heart, especially if
you're squeamish about violence against children, as this flick pulls
no punches. The finale is a nail-biter and pits brother against nosy
neighbor, brother against brother, uncle against nephew and
government against soldier. All releases of this film are shorn of
the most violent images (it was cut by the producers in fear that no
one would release it in it's uncut form), but what's left will still
make every gorehound stand up and take notice. A German DVD, to be
released in late 2007/early 2008, promises to be the unedited print.
I will be the first online to buy it. When you think of Sweden, you
usually think of pretty blond-haired girls, not bloody, violent
films. But this film, along with Mats Helge's THE
NINJA MISSION (1984), will surely change your mind. Also
starring Irene Gronwall, David Lundberg, Chris Masters, Wolf Linder
and Catherine Jeppson. Also known as WARDOG.
Not to be confused with the 1994 Italian action film, WAR
DOGS, directed by Stelvio Massi (as "Max Steel").
A Vista Home Video Release. Not Rated.
WHITE
FURY (1990) - Snowboarding champion
Danny (Sean Holton) takes his girlfriend Christine (Christine Shinn)
and friends Greg (William Berg) and Lesley (Chasity Hammons) to his
uncle's secluded winter cabin for a weekend of fun and sex. The cabin
is so secluded, it is only accessible by snowmobile in the Winter. A
psychotic escaped con named Tyler (Deke Anderson), who has just
robbed a bank with his partner Marcus (Michael Kaskel) and
gunned-down all the witnesses, shows up at the cabin and terrorizes
the foursome. Danny escapes and must
think up a way to save his three friends, unaware that a bounty
hunter named Martin Towers (Douglas Harter) is tracking Tyler and
Marcus and is not far behind. Money-hungry Lesley (who is a cunt with
a capital C) comes on to Tyler, gives him a blowjob and flaunts her
infidelity in front of Greg. Danny steals Tyler's loot and offers a
trade to Tyler: The money for his friends. Christine and Greg get
away on a snowmobile (Tyler shoots and kills Lesley when she wants to
stay with him) while Danny uses his snowboarding skills to lead Tyler
and Marcus on a chase through the snow-covered mountains. After
Christine runs over Marcus with her snowmobile, Danny forces Tyler to
ram his snowmobile into a tree. Danny shoots Tyler after Tyler shoots
Martin in the arm and both believe Tyler is dead. They should have
known better. Rather than go back to civilization like any person
with even half a brain would, they all go back to the cabin and are
paid a surprise visit by the still alive Tyler. After a little more
terrorizing, Tyler leaves the cabin with the loot, but is blown up by
Danny, who somehow has gotten his hands on a rocket launcher. And
they all lived happily ever after. Yes, this is another one of
director/co-writer David A. Prior's weak action films. If you've seen
Prior's previous action films, such as DEATH
CHASE (1987) or NIGHT
WARS (1988), you know what to expect here: Weak acting (and
it doesn't help that lead actor Sean Holton looks like a girl),
terrible sound and badly-staged action scenes. It amazes me that
Prior (who also directed the terrible horror films SLEDGEHAMMER -
1984 and KILLER
WORKOUT
- 1986) never learned from his mistakes and kept churning out these
Grade Z actioners. Believe it or not, this one is worse than most as
there aren't even the frequent bloody bullet squibs that are usually
on view in Prior's films (When Tyler and Marcus shoot dozens of
people in the bank holdup, they all just drop to the floor and all
the furniture and the walls are undamaged). Everyone here dies nice,
dry deaths. Couple that with endless scenes of Danny's snowboarding
skills (some POV shots are repeated two or three times) and risable
dialogue like, "There's a lot more to women than brushing
teeth." (What the hell does that mean?) or, "Don't fucking
slap me, you cunt!" and what you have is a film that's not good
enough to line your birdcage with. This is one excreble piece of crap
that doesn't have one redeeming quality. Everyone acts retarded and
always do the least logical thing, the action looks like it was
choreographed by Stevie Wonder and it all sounds like it was recorded
in a tin can. It's not even good enough for an unintentional laugh. I
have bowel movements more interesting than this. If you really want
your ears to bleed, try listening to the end credits tune, "White
Fury". It's sheer aural torture. An Action
International Pictures Home Video Release. Not Rated.
WILD
CATS ATTACK! (1981) - Here's a
rare misfire: A clumsily paced and somewhat boring Filipino war
actioner. A military base comes under attack by rebels, who steal a
red diary containing top-secret information before they retreat. Sgt.
Torez (Rey Malonzo; SEARCH
FOR VENGEANCE - 1984) is one of the few survivors of the
rebel attack and becomes concerned when his girlfriend Perla (Leila
Hermosa; BLIND RAGE - 1978),
who was visiting him at the base at the time of the attack,
disappears and is presumed dead. Sgt. Torez is promoted in rank to
Lieutenant and is given carte blanche to put together a team of his
choice to recover the red diary. He grabs a handful of people,
all experts in their field, including a demolitions expert on death
row for murder; an Army sharpshooter; a macho man who only has a few
weeks left to serve; and an AWOL soldier who is good with a crossbow.
The quintet's mission is to sneak into the mountain compound
commandeered by the ruthless Commander Commandant (!) and his force
of 250 rebels (Fifty-to-one? That's a mighty steep ratio!) and steal
back the red diary. Well, they can forget about sneaking in, because
as soon as Lt. Torez and his men parachute into enemy territory, they
get into a
firefight with some rebels, who radio-in to the Commander and let
them know of their presence. The Commander makes it known in no
uncertain terms that the five invaders are in no way welcome in his
compound alive, so Lt. Torez and his men must contend with constant
enemy gunfire and traitorous villagers as they fight their way to the
compound. Lt. Torez still has time to contemplate the fate of his
girlfriend Perla and has flashbacks to past conversations with her
(clues which leads the audience to believe she may not be as innocent
as Lt. Torez believes she is). Torez and his men make it to the
compound and kill Commander Commandant, only to discover that the red
diary isn't there. It's now in the possession of one Commander
Sancho, which now means Lt. Torez and his men will have to go
undercover as political activists sent to prison in order to trick
the only person able to get close to Commander Sancho to break out of
prison and lead them to the red diary. War is never easy, is it?
Especially when your girlfriend turns out to be a total enemy
bitch. This early Kinevista International production (I had a
good laugh when the opening credits states: "Kinevista
International Superbly Presents", as if "Proudly
Presents" just isn't good enough!), directed by Frances Jun
Posadas (THEY CALL HIM
BRUCE LEE - 1979; WILD FORCE
- 1986) and scripted by Clem Santiago (also the Line Producer), is
full of lazily-staged action set-pieces and bad English dubbing
("Sir, I have to go over there to hit the head!"). While
there are a lot of bloody bullet squib effects, the majority of the
shooting victims merely grab their head or chest when shot, which
cheapens the effectiveness of some of the battle scenes (Surely Lt.
Torez and his men don't deliver head and chest shots on every kill?
Or are they just that good?). That's not to say that there aren't
some decent action scenes on display. The attack on Commander
Commandant's compound contains some good slow-motion scenes of
grenades being thrown and blowing up their targets, resulting in some
nifty explosions. Unfortunately, right after that sequence the film
stops dead in it's tracks and takes forever to recover, thanks to the
film's new direction where Lt. Torez and his men go undercover as
prisoners to infiltrate Commander Sancho's compound. It takes nearly
thirty minutes for the action to kick in, an eternity to viewers when
all you have to entertain you is some hilarious dubbing ("It's
dangerous if they find the body. Let's hide it" and one of Lt.
Torez's men singing "Camptown Races" before attacking
Sancho's compound.). Bad dubbing only goes so far and thirty minutes
without a single death is stretching it to the limit. The
"surprise" ending, where a certain female is revealed as
the enemy ringmaster, is telegraphed early on. Oh, and did I forget
to mention that the theme music from RAIDERS
OF THE LOST ARK (1981) is "borrowed" for the
climatic battle scene? This may be one of the rarer Filipino war
actioners, but WILD CATS ATTACK!
is not one of the better ones. Not a total misfire (like most
Filipino actioners, everyone is so earnest, no matter how ridiculous
the situation), but it's still a disappointment. Also starring
Anthony Alonzo, Efren Reyes Jr., Dante Rivero, Conrad Poe, Philip
Gamboa, Dick Israel, Ruel Vernal, Renato Del Prado, Roldan Rodrigo
and Greg Lozano. Never legitimately available on home video in the
U.S., the print I viewed was sourced from a Dutch-subtitled VHS tape
on the Hollywood Electric label (The cover art contains the wrong
credits from another Filipino film.). Not Rated.
WILD
FORCE (1986) - While on a
pleasure cruise with his assistant Barbara (Barbara Peers), the
sickly Dr. Johnson (Filipino staple Mike Monty) has his yacht boarded
by a bunch of machine gun-toting pirates, who kill all of the yacht's
crew and then kidnap Dr. Johnson and Barbara. Since Dr. Johnson is a
world-famous scientist as well as a Representative of the United
Nations, the Filipino military is eager to secure his rescue before
his kidnapping turns into an international incident. When the
kidnappers demand two million dollars for Dr. Johnson and Barbara's
safe return (Dr. Johnson says to the head kidnapper, "You are
insane!" to which he replies, "Thank you!"), Colonel
Romero assigns his best man, Lt. Valdez (Yusuf Salim), to rescue the
pair before the ransom has to be paid in five days. Lt. Valdez nearly
captures some of the kidnappers when they make a ransom call in a
crowded restaurant, which leads to a shootout where one of the kidnappers
is killed. This pisses-off head kidnapper Ernesto (a.k.a. "The
Commander"), who kills some innocent people and dumps their
bodies, along with a cassette tape, in the town square for everyone
to see. On the tape, Ernesto demands not only the two million
dollars, but also a huge cache of automatic weapons and thousands of
rounds of ammunition, or else he will kill his two captives. With
only five days to perform the rescue, Lt. Valdez gathers four of his
former squad members (which includes Benny, Nick, Danny and Hercules,
who lives in a foxhole!) to help him, but when Colonel Romero forces
Valdez to bring a female officer, Sgt. Jennifer, along for the
rescue, some members smell a rat. The newly formed squad, codenamed
The Wild Force (which now also includes black marketer Kimoporo),
follows a clue which leads the to the palatial estate of Alfredo
Montoya. This leads to a shootout with some of the kidnappers, where
Lt. Valdez and two other squad members are arrested by the local
police and locked-up in the local jail. Since they have to remain
undercover, they are unable to reveal their true identities to the
police, so Kimoporo, the crazy member of the squad (he walks around
dressed in nothing but a kimono), breaks them out of jail. Working on
a clue they got from Montoya before he was killed, the Wild Force
hops a ride on a helicopter and land in the jungle. They are welcomed
by a squad of gunfire-happy kidnappers who seem to have been
expecting their arrival. Is it possible that there is a traitor in
their ranks or is it all just a coincidence? I'm afraid you'll have
to watch the film to find out. While not as action-packed or
explosion-heavy as most Filipino actioners of the period,
director/screenwriter Frances "Jun" Posadas (THEY
CALL HIM BRUCE LEE - 1979; WILD
CATS ATTACK! - 1981) manages to hold the viewer's attention
thanks to some bloody shootouts and comedy relief, usually at the
expense of Kimoporo, who can't seem to keep his kimono on and exposes
his naked ass on one occasion. He also tries to sell members of his
squad fake gold jewelry (apparently fake gold turns black when you
dunk it in vinegar) every chance he gets. While WILD
FORCE may lack the excitement level of it's brethren, it
does contain some unusual set pieces to distinguish itself, such as
the scene where Kimoporo, whose knee has been shattered by enemy
gunfire, commits suicide by throwing himself off a cliff so he
doesn't slow down the rest of his squad, who want to carry him, but
he knows that if they do, they will not reach Dr. Johnson in time.
While the film does drag in spots, it conveys enough heart and soul
between the squad members (especially between Hercules and Kimoporo),
as well as scenes of female nudity (most notably when Barbara is
gang-raped by three kidnappers), torture and gun violence to keep
audiences entertained. It may not be one of the better Filipino
action films, but I have seen much worse. Also starring Robert Talby,
Danny Riel, Ben Morro, Nick Alladin, Hasmin Hassan and Roy Flores.
Never legitimately available on U.S. home video, the print I viewed
was sourced from a British VHS tape. Not Rated.
WONDER
WOMEN (1973) - You gotta love
a film that begins with a PG-rating MPAA title card and then the
first shot shown is a bunch of beautiful topless women swimming in a
pool. Ah, the good, old 70's. God bless 'em! All these girls are then
knocked-out with tranquilizer darts and kidnapped by a group of
scantily dressed kung-fu women. These same women also kidnap an
entire male polo squad, a famous black basketball player and a
champion jai alai player. All these kidnapees are shipped in airtight
coffins to the secret island compound of Dr. Tsu (Nancy Kwan; WALKING
THE EDGE - 1983), who is working on an immortality formula
by transplanting the brains and other organs of famous people into
the cloned bodies of her own design. Secret agent Mike Harber
(producer Ross Hagen; ACTION U.S.A.
- 1989) is sent to Manila to investigate the disappearance of the jai
alai player. Lloyds of London offers Mike 20% of the player's
$500,000 insurance policy if he can find him in one week's time. Mike
agrees and begins his investigation, while Dr. Tsu sends her second-in-command,
Gregorious (a fully-haired Sid Haig; THE
WOMAN HUNT - 1972), to interview a potential customer, an
aging Howard Hughes-like germ phobic named Mr. Paulson (Tony Lorea),
who wants a new immortal body impervious to germs. After agreeing to
give up half his fortune for the new body, Mr. Paulson is shipped to
Dr. Tsu's island compound for the operation. Meanwhile, Dr. Tsu's
all-female assassination/kidnap squad, which includes Linda (Maria De
Aragon; THE CREMATORS -
1972), Laura (Roberta Collins; THE
BIG DOLL HOUSE - 1971), Vera (Claire Hagan, Ross' real-life
wife) and Maggie (Shirley Washington; BAMBOO
GODS AND IRON MEN - 1974), amuse themselves by making love
to the kidnapped donors before their organs are removed. Mike,
working with insurance investigator Lorenzo (Tony Lorea again) and
taxi driver Lapu-Lapu (Vic Diaz; TOO
HOT TO HANDLE - 1976), begin making progress in their
investigation, which leads to many shoot-outs (Mike favors using a sawed-off
shotgun), fistfights and car chases. Dr. Tsu sends Linda to seduce
and kill Mike, but he catches on rather quickly and makes Linda tell
him the location of Dr. Tsu's compound. Once on the island, Mike is
captured rather easily by the all-girl security crew (I wouldn't put
up much of a fight either!). Dr. Tsu gives Mike a tour of her
transplant facility, where she shows him her collection of
decapitated heads and other organs waiting for transplant, as well as
showing him her dungeon full of failed experiments and her "brain
sex" machine, where he and Dr. Tsu have sex without touching
each other. To make a long story short, Linda falls for Mike's
charms, helps him and the other kidnapees escape and sets loose the
caged freaks to cause a diversion. Mike, Linda and the jai alai
player escape, as does Dr. Tsu (who disappears in a cloud of smoke),
which sets up a sequel that unfortunately never materialized.
This entertaining actioner, directed by Robert Vincent O'Neill (THE
PSYCHO LOVER - 1970; BLOOD
MANIA - 1970; ANGEL -
1983) and written by Lou Whitehill, is a colorful, fast-moving flick
that takes us to various Philippines locations (including a
slow-motion cockfight; a car chase down the streets of Manila; and
various nightclubs), shows us plenty of women in various states of
undress (there's no way in hell that this film would get a PG rating
today) and gives us plenty of violence, including gunfights, chases
and fights. The film even tosses in a little sci-fi/horror into the
mix when Dr. Tsu's "failures" escape from their cages and
begin attacking Dr. Tsu and her underlings in the finale. Ross Hagen,
who has had a long and varied career in low-budget genre films, has
never been much of an actor, but he makes a serviceable action hero,
shooting, chasing and fighting the bad guys while bedding the women
(he has a long fight/chase scene with Maria DeAragon that is one of
the film's highlights). Don't get me wrong, WONDER
WOMEN (also known as THE
DEADLY AND THE BEAUTIFUL) is mindless entertainment, but it
is fun mindless entertainment. I originally saw this in theaters back
in the early 70's (yeah, I'm old) with the John Ashley flick BEYOND
ATLANTIS on a fun double bill. Good times that most kids
today will sadly never experience. Also starring Joonee Gamboa, Gail
Hansen and Eleanor Siron. Originally available on VHS by Media
Home Entertainment and not available on DVD, although it's
available on VHS & DVD-R from Something
Weird Video for $10.00. Rated PG.