HORROR D - I
DAGON
(2001) - This
is a welcome return to H.P. Lovecraft territory by director Stuart
Gordon and screenwriter Dennis Paoli, both responsible for the
classic RE-ANIMATOR (1985)
and the near-classic FROM BEYOND
(1986). After their boat crashes on some rocks during a sudden storm,
Paul (Ezra Gordon) and girlfriend Barbara (Raquel Merono) manage to
make it by raft to the tiny fishing village of Imboca. Paul charters
a fishing boat to go back to his boat to rescue his friends while
Barbara goes off with the local priest to get the police. When Paul gets
to his boat, he finds his friends missing and when he gets back to
shore he finds that Barbara has also gone missing. The residents of
Imboca start pursuing Paul as he starts to realize that these are not
normal people. They are a misshapen, deformed lot, with tentacles for
hands, gills on their necks and sunken, bulging eyes. While Paul is
hiding from these mutants, he meets the town drunk (Francisco Rabal
in his final performance), the last human resident alive in Imboca.
He tells Paul the story of how this town became this way: When he was
a boy, the town was going through tough times. There were no fish to
be caught and the people were getting desperate. The people rejected
God and began worshipping Dagon, an undersea creature/deity who
promises them gold in return for their obedience and faith. Soon, the
fishing nets are bringing up gold artifacts and the people are happy
(and rich). But this type of happiness comes with a price. Dagon
begins demanding human sacrifices and the people start mutating into
what Paul sees today. It seems Barbara has been chosen to be Dagon's
bride and bear his children. Paul tries to stop this from happening
and also must deal with the strange feeling that he's been here
before (he has recurring dreams about swimming underwater into a
strange symbol-filled cavern). This film has a dream-like quality
which you don't find in most horror films. The constant rain and
weird set pieces make this film seem like one long fever dream, but
without the lapses in logic. Stuart Gordon is masterful here, slowly
pulling you into his world, not giving away too much information
until you need to know it. The town of Imboca is the main star here,
with its' dark cobblestone streets, dank rain-soaked houses and total
lack of humanity. The hotel is not fit for human occupancy as Paul
soon finds out when he first steps into town. Things go downhill very
quickly for him soon after. I know what you're thinking: "What
about the blood?" I'm glad to report that there's plenty on hand
here, some pushing the boundries of its' R rating. Francisco Rabal's
skinning alive is particularly cringe-inducing as is the shocking
death of Barbara (sorry, spoiler!) and other surprise bits, including
the unmasking of some of the mutants (including the High Priestess,
played by Macarena Gomez, who has a thing for Paul). DAGON
is a highly atmospheric tale which should be viewed by anyone with a
taste for horror and the perverse. This Spanish-lensed film also
stars Brendan Price, Birgit Bofarull, Ferran Lahoz, Alfredo Villa and
Uxia Blanco. Producers Brian Yuzna and Julio Fernandez's Fantastic
Factory have also released FAUST:
LOVE OF THE DAMNED (2000) and ARACHNID
(2001) with more to follow in the coming years. A Lions
Gate Home Entertainment Release. Rated R. If you're in
the mood for an alternate take on the same subject matter, you could
try director Peter Svatek's interesting, but highly flawed BLEEDERS
(1996 - a.k.a. HEMOGLOBIN).
DARK
TOWER (1987) - Failed horror
film that is better known for its troubled production history.
Producer Sandy Howard replaced Freddie Francis (TALES
FROM THE CRYPT - 1972) as director (when he walked off the
set), with co-scripter/executive producer Ken Wiederhorn (SHOCK
WAVES - 1977). When both Francis and Wiederhorn saw the
disaster of the final cut, they both opted to take the shared
fictitious name "Ken Barnett" as director credit. Despite a
great cast of seasoned pros, this film is just too damned disjointed
to make any impact and for those of us unlucky enough to remember POLTERGEIST
III (which was made a full year later!), severe deja-vu is
about to set in. The construction of a new highrise tower in
Barcelona, Spain is plagued with many mysterious accidents; such as
when a window washer is supernaturally attacked by some unknown force
after watching Unico Ltd. architect Carolyn Page (Jenny Agutter; LOGAN'S
RUN - 1976) disrobe in her office and he is thrown 29
stories to his death, landing on a Unico executive and crushing him
to death (all off-screen). Unico's head of security, Dennis Randall
(Michael Moriarity; BLOOD LINK
- 1982), is called in to investigate and finds Carolyn's story hard
to swallow (he believes it was simply a strong wind or the window
washer committed suicide), yet he begins to have strange psychic
visions from the moment he steps into the building (like having sex
with Carolyn, a woman he has just met). A security guard is the next
to be killed when the elevator he is riding in develops a mind of its
own and freefalls 30 stories. Carolyn can feel that something is
wrong with the building when the windows start bleeding and her
office door handle jiggles by itself. When Dennis' partner, Williams
(Robert Sherman), investigates the elevator death, he becomes
possessed, pulls out his gun and begins randomly shooting at people
exiting the elevator, almost killing Carolyn before an injured guard
shoots him in the back. Dennis is rightfully perturbed
("Something screwy is going on here!"), but when he starts
seeing ghosts, he begins to look into Carolyn's background and the
building's history. It turns out that the ghost he has been seeing is
Carolyn's dead husband, who passed away two years earlier. Dennis'
visions come much more frequently, including one of Carolyn running
through the hallways of the building; her clothes all torn and
disheveled. Dennis asks his girlfriend, Elaine (Anne Lockhart; TROLL
- 1986, also starring Moriarity), to dig up some dirt on Carolyn's
dead husband and she finds Maria (Patch Mackenzie; GRADUATION
DAY - 1981), who tells Dennis that Carolyn's husband was a
"prick" and he drowned, yet his body was never found. It
also seems that Carolyn may be responsible for his death and probably
tried to kill him two times previously, but failed. Dennis contacts
prominent parapsychologist Dr. Max Gold (Theodore Bikel), where we
discover that Dennis has strong psychic powers called
"precognition" (well, duh!). The doctor agrees to help
Dennis uncover the truth and he begins interviewing Carolyn's
executive assistant, Tilly Ambrose (Carol Lynley; BEWARE!
THE BLOB - 1972), who doesn't like the questions the doctor
is asking. When Carolyn shows up at Dennis' apartment and Max tries
to interview her, she hurries out the door mumbling stuff about
"witch doctors and gypsies" (a bad looping job obviously
done by someone other than Ms. Agutter). Max enters the haunted
building on his own, detects a supernatural presence and is nearly
killed in an elevator. Max asks a real medium named Sergie (Kevin
McCarthy; INVASION
OF THE BODY SNATCHERS - 1956) to help him and Dennis unravel
the mystery and, in the finale, most of them die as Dennis becomes
possessed by Carolyn's dead hubby, turns into a prune-faced demon and
makes Carolyn pay for her murderous sins. There's not much to
recommend here since the film moves at a snail's pace (there's an
awful lot of extraneous elevator footage here, much of it used to
bridge scenes that were apparently not finished) and the actors,
especially Michael Moriarity and Jenny Agutter, look bored beyond
tears to be starring in what is obviously a troubled set. It's not
only obvious very early on what is going on at the building; it's so
easy to figure out, a nine year-old could guess it and probably write
a better screenplay (which is credited to Ken Blackwell, Robert J.
Avrech and Ken Wiederhorn). The final third of the film is severely
disjointed and makes very little sense, especially the participation
of Kevin McCarthy, who is supposed to be a world-class medium, but
all he does is walk around the building in a drunken haze. Add to
that a violence level that is very low (most of the killings occur
off-screen), absolutely no nudity and a storyline that just meanders
along until its uneventful conclusion, and DARK TOWER is
nothing more than a failed supernatural thriller whose
behind-the-scenes controversy is far more interesting than the film
itself. Also starring Rick Azulay, Radmiro Oliveros and Josh Batalla.
Originally released on VHS by Forum
Home Video with a laserdisc release by Image
Entertainment. Not available on DVD. Rated R.
DANCE
OF THE DEAD (2008) - Oh dear
lord, another zombie comedy? What hath SHAUN
OF THE DEAD wrought? Thankfully, this is one of the best (if
not the best) in the wake of zombie comedies that came after SHAUN's
success. A cemetery near a nuclear power plant spawns an army of the
walking dead, just in time for the Hawaiian Hula Prom at Cosa High
School. Before that happens, though, we are introduced to the
students and faculty of the high school, including: Jimmy (Jared
Kusnitz; DOLL GRAVEYARD
- 2005), the class joker who never takes anything seriously, which
leads to the breakup with his girlfriend Lindsey (Greyson Chadwick)
hours before the prom; Steven (Chandler Darby), the leader of the
Sci-Fi Club who never goes anywhere without a video camera attached
to his face; Gwen (Carissa Capobianco), the head cheerleader that
Steven has a crush on; Nash Rambler (Blair Redford), the lead
guitarist in a lousy punk band; and Kyle Grubbin (Justin Welborn; THE
SIGNAL - 2007), a multi-body pierced hothead with a thing
for JACKASS-styled
stunts. When the dead begin to rise from their graves (they don't
just rise, they leap out of their graves in a well-handled and
visually exciting sequence) and
eat Gwen's new boyfriend as they are necking in the cemetery and
chowing-down on a member of the Sci-Fi Club when they are filming an
amateur horror video, Jimmy teams with Kyle and Gwen and make their
way to Lindsey and Steven, who escape the graveyard and hole-up with
the remainder of the geeky Sci-Fi Club. Along the way, Jimmy
discovers that the nuclear power plant has been illegally dumping
waste in the sewers, which is causing everything dead to come back to
life (including a dissected frog in Biology class, which jumps down
the throat of cruel teacher Mr. Hammond [Jonathan Spencer], turning
him into a zombie). When Jimmy and the gang get to the house that
Lindsey is hiding in, they discover that it is actually a funeral
home, which makes everyone's lives a little bit harder, as they not
only have to fend-off the zombies outside, they must also contend
with the dead customers inside. Kyle becomes the first victim, bitten
on the neck and turning into a zombie, forcing Jimmy to kill him with
repeated blows to the head with a pipe. The survivors steal a hearse
and head to the prom and on their way discover that Nash Rambler and
his band have found a way to neutralize the zombies for a short
period of time: Playing their music live! With the help of football
Coach Keel (Mark Oliver; SLEEPAWAY
CAMP III: TEENAGE WASTELAND - 1988) and his arsenal of
weapons, they all head to the prom for the ultimate battle. I
must say I was quite impressed with this gory horror comedy. Director
Gregg Bishop (THE OTHER SIDE
- 2006) and screenwriter Joe Ballarini (also the 2nd Unit Director)
have fashioned a very funny flick (with lots of name-dropping,
including a couple of funny lines of dialogue involving Craig's List
and Red Bull) without skimping on the red stuff. Particularly
impressive is Greyson Chadwick as Lindsey, a character who is so
religious, she demands that everyone forms a prayer circle before the
climatic battle and also refuses to swear, using the term
"effin" every time she wants to say "fuck". She's
a hoot-and-a-half to watch, especially when she has a weapon in her
hand killing zombies left and right (It seems religion doesn't get in
the way of killing, as long as those being killed are already dead!).
There are a lot of impressive kills on view, all imaginatively done
and gory as hell, with plenty of decapitations and other head
violence, appendage-yanking, a funny scene of a body being torn in
half and a really nasty tongue-biting scene, followed immediately by
some hilarious hot zombie sex. There's a fine line that is usually
crossed in these horror comedies, where the humor detracts from the
horror and vice versa. I'm glad to say that this is not the case with DANCE
OF THE DEAD. It finds that rare balance where the laughs and
blood actually compliment each other. I know I am probably going to
get a lot of angry emails for saying this, but I haven't enjoyed a
zombie comedy this much since RETURN
OF THE LIVING DEAD (1985). It's that good. I'm still
laughing thinking about Nash Rambler and his band playing an
extremely slowed-down version of Pat Benetar's "Shadows Of The
Night" at the prom to stop the zombies dead in their tracks.
Favorite line: "But I don't know how to shoot a machete!"
(Spoken by Gwen when Coach Keel doles out weapons to everyone in his
garage). Filmed in Rome, Georgia. Also starring Randy McDowall,
Michael V. Mammoliti, Mark Lynch, Hunter Pierce, Lucas Till and James
Jarrett as the mysterious gravedigger. A Lionsgate
Entertainment DVD Release through their Ghost House Underground
division. Rated R.
DAWN
OF THE LIVING DEAD (2004) - One
man wrecking crew David Heavener (DEADLY
REACTOR - 1988) strikes again, this time directing,
producing, writing and starring in a zombie horror film. And wouldn't
you know it, besides the clumsy direction, badly-recorded sound and
general ultra-low-budget look, this film actually has some effective
moments. Engaged couple Jeffrey (Joe Estevez) and Renee (Amanda
Bauman) buy a house sight-unseen in the California desert at a place
called Heaven Valley, not aware that the previous occupants, a
Mexican family, were savagely shotgunned to death by an unknown
assailant. Renee instantly falls in love with the place, but she soon
begins having visions of the Mexican family being murdered and a dead
little girl keeps showing her visions of things past and future.
Renee also finds some Mayan artifacts scattered throughout the
property and brings them into the house, which is also festooned with
Mayan artwork on the walls. In
the sky, a rare aligning of the planets is taking place and the dead
Mexican family rise from their unmarked graves in the desert as
bloodthirsty zombies and begin their path of destruction by eating a
couple of "jackals" (Steven Bracy and Carrie Gonzalez, who
has a nude scene) and the two wetbacks they have tied-up. Renee finds
a book and homemade CD that explains that when all the planets align,
the people that died an unjust death will rise from their graves to
get their revenge. Renee meets electric windmill operator Michael
Richards (Heavener) on one of her daily walks and invites him to
dinner. At dinner, Renee reveals that she spent the last two years in
a mental institution after her daughter (from a previous marriage)
was killed by a drunk driver. Jeffrey was the doctor that helped her
regain her sanity and they've been a couple ever since. Michael
reveals to Renee and Jeffrey that the house they are living in use to
be a safehouse for wetbacks that illegally crossed the border (he
also makes his hatred of Mexicans known to the couple). To make a
long story short, Jeffrey gets drunk and jealous and then tries to
rape Renee, Michael and Renee begin an affair and Jeffrey is
graphically devoured by the zombie family. Renee and Michael must
defend themselves from the zombie horde, but a twist in the story
shows that not everyone is as good as they pretend to be. This
cheapjack production is actually enjoyable if you ignore the gaping
plot holes and just go along for the ride. While the acting is
nothing to write home about (Can it be possible that Joe Estevez
actually has no talent?), I've definitely seen worse and some of the
zombie effects are pretty gory, including Estevez's head being torn
off and the birth of a zombie baby, who gets revenge on his daddy, in
one of the film's unintentionally hilarious highlights. Another funny
moment is the appearance of former DIFF'RENT STROKES
(1978 - 1986) bad boy Todd Bridges as Heavener's retarded co-worker,
Ruben Herardo. He sports a set
of ogre teeth and a prosthetic beer gut and is virtually
unrecognizable. Even though he is given fourth billing, he's in the
film for less than three minutes. I guess he needed some coke or bail
money. David Heavener
(who also wrote the opening and closing song "Mombie
Zombie") is one of the last people in the business who is an
industry unto himself. He keeps churning out no-budget flicks up to
this day, still choosing to make his movies using actual film rather
than videotape or digital video. While DAWN
OF THE LIVING DEAD (originally filmed as CURSE
OF THE MAYA in 2004, but not given a release until 2007) is
nothing more than a seat-of-the-pants production, some fun can be had
here if you can get past the cheapness of it all. Also known as EVIL
GRAVE:
CURSE OF THE MAYA.
Also starring Andrew Crandall, Lauren Aguas, Elizabeth Webster,
Robert Aceves, Maui Yang and, just so we know nepotism is alive and
well, Adena Heavener and Libertie Heavener. A Hannover
House DVD Release, who usually released Christian-themed family
films. Rated R.
DAY
OF THE ANIMALS (1976) - The
first thing that came to mind when I inserted this Blu-Ray of the
PG-Rated "nature gone amuck" horror film into my player was
that how many of the main stars are no longer with us (Only two are
still alive!). The director also passed away in a helicopter crash
(he was only 30 years-old) after making one more film (THE
MANITOU - 1977), which was released theatrically in the U.S.
three months after his death in January 1978. This film was very sad
for me to watch; not that it is a bad film (far from it), but because
I always was an ardent fan of the director and all of the deceased
actors (who appeared in many of the director's films). The
premise for this film is very 1970s: Because of the abundant use of
fluorocarbon gases in aerosol spray cans, the Earth's protective
ozone layer is severely damaged, letting dangerous amounts of
ultra-violet rays reach the surface of our planet, starting with
high-altitude areas. The opening on-screen scrawl says that this
motion picture dramatizes what COULD happen in the near future
IF we continue to do nothing to stop this (A mere two years later, in
October of 1978, the FDA would order the phaseout of
"non-essential" uses of fluorocarbons in spray products.
Could this film have helped this happen? Who knows?). The film opens
with Steve Bruckner (Christopher George; GRIZZLY
- 1976; R.I.P.) leading a group of hikers on a two week trip down a
5,000 foot mountain, not heeding the warnings of Ranger Tucker
(Walter Barnes; PIGS - 1972; R.I.P.),
who tells Steve that there have been many reports of
"accidents" at that high altitude. The group of hikers and
Steve take two helicopters to the top of the mountain and we are
introduced to them and their quirks: Bossy and racist advertising
executive Paul (Lesiie Nielsen, who would become a comedy icon in AIRPLANE
- 1980; R.I.P.); Native American tracker Santee (Michael Ansara; IT'S
ALIVE - 1973; R.I.P.), the brunt of Paul's racist remarks;
former football player Roy (Paul Mantee; WOLF
LAKE - 1978; R.I.P.), who blew out his knee and was forced
to retire; cheating husband Frank (Jon Cedar; LITTLE
CIGARS - 1973; R.I.P.) and his unforgiving wife Mandy (Susan
Backlinie), who are on this trip to try and save their marriage;
Professor MacGregor (Richard Jaeckel; THE
DARK - 1979; R.I.P.), who is on this hike to study nature;
divorced mother Shirley (Ruth Roman; IMPULSE
- 1974; R.I.P.) who has brought her inquisitive young son John (Bobby
Porter) for some bonding time; young couple Bob (Andrew Stevens; THE
TERROR WITHIN - 1988) and girlfriend Beth (Kathleen
Bracken); and TV reporter Terry Marsh (Lynda Day George; PIECES
- 1982; who, like Stevens, is still with us at the time this review
was written). As soon as our group starts their hike, they see such
unusual sights as buzzards and eagles perching together in trees and
when they camp out for the first night, Santee says to Steve,
"There's something strange in the woods and I don't know what it
is." Steve asks Santee to keep it between themselves for now
because it won't take much to panic the "city folks". That
night, a wolf attacks Mandy, so, the following morning, Frank takes
her up the mountain to the nearest Ranger station to get her medical
attention, while the rest head down the mountain on their hike. Paul
keep making racial epithets of Santee's ancestry (stupidly calling
him "kemo sabe" and other Native American insults) and
generally making himself a pain-in-the-ass to the rest of the group
(even challenging Steve's role as leader). Frank and Mandy continue
to fight about his adultery while they head up the mountain, until
Mandy is attacked by a flock of buzzards and falls to her death over
a cliff to the boulders below (an awful optical effect), even though
Frank tries to save her. Frank finds a young, dirty mute female child
(Michelle Stacy) and when he gives her a slice of an orange, he is
attacked by an eagle, so he grabs the young girl and heads for the
nearest town (he just lost his wife, so he has a new purpose in
protecting this young girl, since it's apparent that her parents have
been killed). When the rest of the group discover that their first
food drop has been raided by animals, Paul blows a gasket and wants
to be the new boss, but the rest of them vote him down, preferring to
stay with Steve. Meanwhile, Ranger Tucker gets a call from the main
Ranger station telling him that animals are attacking people at 5,000
feet, so the Army is called in to evacuate the town and then the
hikers on the mountain. Tucker is attacked by a pack of rats in his
home (a very good and bloody scene that could never be shown in a PG
film today), but he escapes after pulling a rat off his face and
cutting its head off with a knife. He sends his wife to safety and
then heads to town to help with the evacuation, but there a
rabid-looking, scroungy dog that seems to follow his every move (more
on the dog and Tucker later). Steve and his hikers are attacked by a
pack of cougars that night and everyone chips-in to help one another,
except Paul, who looks out for himself like the selfish jerk he is.
Paul, once again, tries to assert his authority, only this time
Shirley (and her unwilling son John), Bob and Beth stupidly aligned
themselves with Paul (thinking it will be easier to hike 15 miles
uphill to the Ranger station than 30 miles downhill to the town).
Steve tries to tell them they are making a big mistake, but Santee
tells him, "You can't save fools from themselves.", as the
rest head down the mountain with Steve. Paul shows what a bastard he
is to his four new recruits by violently abusing everyone (including
repeatedly throwing young John to the ground) and trying to rape
Beth. When Bob tries to intervene, Paul impales him in the stomach
with a homemade spear, killing him. As a raging thunderstorm hits,
Steve and his group find and abandoned mine for shelter, while Paul
and his remaining three scared-to-shit prisoners are exposed to the
elements. The now quite-mad Paul curses God ("You see what you
want and you TAKE it!") and tries to rape Beth again, only this
time he is interrupted by a grizzly bear and decides that he is
strong enough to kill the mighty beast, so he charges the bear (they
both put each other in a bear hug, in a winking moment to the
audience), only for Paul to be mauled to death (How's that for
cursing God?). Frank and the young mute girl make it to town, only to
find it abandoned (except for a whole lotta rattlesnakes and that
pesky mangy mutt). Frank puts the young girl in an abandoned vehicle
for safety while he goes looking for a car that works, only to be
bitten by rattlesnakes and attacked by the dog, killing him while the
little girl watches horrified. Beth is bitten by a pack of wild dogs
when
she, Shirley and John discover a destroyed helicopter (the dogs are
making a meal out of the helicopter's pilot nearby), so all three
lock themselves in the copter and wait for help. Steve and his group
find some abandoned, windowless cabins and are immediately chased by
another pack of dogs. They try to keep the dogs at bay in one of the
cabins, but Roy and the Professor are killed, while Steve, Terry and
Santee use a small dock as a raft and head down the rapids with two
angry dogs as passengers. The following morning, everyone wakes up to
find all the animals dead, thanks to our Government using an
experimental virus on them. Some people are immune to the virus, but
others, like Ranger Tucker fall victim to it, and the Army wants to
know why some people survived it, so I guess it won't be smooth
sailing for our survivors! Terry says, "It's finally over!",
but we all know that it won't be for them. Directed by William
Girdler (ASYLUM OF SATAN
- 1971; THREE ON A MEATHOOK
- 1973; ABBY - 1974, GRIZZLY
- 1976 and others), who would tragically die in a helicopter crash of
his own while scouting locations for a film in the Philippines,
doesn't give the large cast much to do (except for Leslie Nielsen,
who get a chance to show his acting chops), except act scared while
being attacked by various animals. But the attack scenes are
well-filmed, using actual animals, building suspense, and Nielsen
really does come across as a violent racist bully. The screenplay, by
the late William Norton (I
DISMEMBER MAMA - 1972; NIGHT
OF THE JUGGLER - 1979) and his wife Eleanor Norton, is
nothing but scenes of animals attacking people, but it is strangely
satisfying all the same, since all of the effects are old-school and
it is filled with great genre actors who are no longer with us.
That's what surprised me most: for a film made in 1976, very few of
the actors in it are alive today. For that fact alone, it is a great
time capsule for seeing all of these actors collected together in one
film. It also makes me realize how old I am since I originally saw
this in a theater. Also starring Michael Andreas, Gil Lamb and an
uncredited appearance from FRIDAY
THE 13TH's (1980) "Crazy Ralph", Walt Gorney.
Originally released on VHS by Media
Home Entertainment (also released theatrically and on VHS [by
Applause Productions, Inc.] under the title SOMETHING
IS OUT THERE), it then got a budget fullscreen DVD release
from the now-defunct DVD, Ltd. before being released in a beautiful
anamorphic widescreen print on DVD & Blu-Ray by Scorpion
Releasing, the preferred way of watching the film. William
Girdler should have become one of the premiere directors of genre
films if it wasn't for his tragic death, so to get any of his films
on disc looking this good is a blessing. Now if only someone would
release ABBY on home video in the U.S. officially for the
first time (The injunction by Warner Bros. for copying THE
EXORCIST too closely [it doesn't] is no longer active and
Warners has gone on record saying so.), I will be a happy man. Rated
PG, but it is somewhat bloody in spots.
DEAD
& ROTTING (2002) - On a
dare, three drunken construction guys go to an old witch's house in
the woods in hopes of winning a "12 pack". They are chased
away by Pox (Christopher Suciu), the witch's son, who is really a
black cat! The guys next meet Pox at a bar and
he eggs their pickup truck. They beat up Pox, which doesn't sit well
with the witch. She blows poison ivy powder in their faces and it
causes them to break out in boils and get extremely ill. When they
recover, they hire two stoner boys to go to the witch's house and
break some windows. Being stoners, they go one further and kill Pox
(who was a cat at the time) and cook him in boiling water. The witch
vows revenge, takes a magical bath and turns into a beautiful woman
(Debbie Rochon). She seduces all three guys and, after she fucks them
all, performs a spell where she takes her afterbirth (!), puts it in
a hollowed-out pumpkin and buries it. Before you can say "PUMPKINHEAD",
three rotting demons rise from the ground and wait to do the witch's
bidding. Can you guess what she wants them to do? After disposing of
one of the stoners, the witch and the demons begin her revenge on the
construction trio. Will the "whammy" (a spell made up of
the cut-off fingers of the surviving males) save those who are
left? Directed without much style by makeup effects wizard
David A. Barton (THE DEAD NEXT DOOR
- 1989), the film fails on two levels: 1) Most of the acting by the
cast is sub-par and 2) it's not very original. The good points are
that it is capably acted by Debbie Rochon (who has appeared in over
100 films from 1995 - 2006!) and some of the effects are absolutely
surreal (the dead plants growing out of the heads of the undead
victims is very well done). Thankfully, the film has a short running
time of 72 minutes, so it doesn't overstay it's welcome. It was
executive produced by Charles Band and J.R. Bookwalter. This was the
type of film Full Moon was making before it went into a self-imposed
retirement. That should give you some idea as to the quality of this.
Also starring Troma graduate Trent Haaga (who also produced), who was
excellent in SUBURBAN NIGHTMARE
(2004), Stephen O'Mahoney, Tom Hoover, Jeff Dylan Graham and Barbara
Katz Norrod as the witch. The Special Edition DVD includes an early
11 minute super 8 short by Barton, a behind-the-scenes documentary,
makeup effects footage, isolated music score (by Midnight Syndicate
and others), commentary track by Barton and Hoover, still galleries
and trailers. Not bad for the $6.99 I paid for it. A Tempe
DVD Release. Rated R.
DEAD
BIRDS
(2004) - Hey, I'm a fan of horror movies that take place during
the Western period of America, but this film would try the patience
of even the most open-minded viewer. Besides a few jump scares, this
film offers very little in the way of a coherent storyline. A group
of criminals pull off a bloody bank robbery (the best part of this
film) in Alabama after the end of the Civil War. They then head off
to an abandoned plantation (which seems to be surrounded by miles of
dead corn stalks) to hide out. Once inside the house, and after a
confrontation with a creepy scarecrow and a skinned animal in the
field, the criminals begin to act strangely, seeing dead children and
slaves. It all has something to do with the house's previous owner (a
cameo appearance by Muse Watson), who sacrificed his children and
slaves in order to bring his wife back to life. It's all very
confusing, slow and boring, with occasional CGI scares and a dabble
of gore. The talents of Henry Thomas, Patrick Fugit, Nicki Aycox,
Isaiah Washington, Mark Boone Junior and Michael Shannon are
completely wasted here as they do nothing more than walk around the
house in a trance (and getting killed) as we are given very little
information about their characters to really give a shit about their
fate. They are cold-blooded killers after all, as the opening bank
robbery shows, so why should we care about what happens to them?
Director Alex Turner, in his first full-length feature, does imbue
the film with loads of eerie atmosphere (a haunted well; a locked
door that holds secrets; footprints that turn from human into animal)
but atmospherics do not necessarily make a good film. The whole film
reminded me of a dumbed-down Western version of director William
Wesley's SCARECROWS
(1988), without the scares and shudders. Can someone please tell me
what the ending was all about? Does it have something to do with the
circle of life? I had high hopes for this film after reading a bunch
of positive reviews from the festival circuit. Don't believe
everything you read. A Sony
Pictures Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.
DEADFALL
(2000) - Low-budget, shot-on 16mm EVIL
DEAD (1983) clone. And, surprise! It's really bad.
Environmentalist Stanley (Patrick Lawlor) is taking his girlfriend
Dora (Audrey Lowe), her friend Hope (Kirstin Leigh) and Hope's
boyfriend Rudy (Brady Fischer, also this film's producer and
co-scripter) to a cabin in the middle of the woods to celebrate
Dora's birthday and to also collect some water samples (Stanley could
have done both things much more easier if he took her to Burger King
and tested the water in the bathroom!). Stanley hasn't been to the
cabin since he was a child, yet he doesn't seem too concerned with
the little stone demon statues that litter the property. While
Stanley and Dora are out in the woods collecting water samples and
documenting their finds with a video camera, jokester Rudy discovers
that the previously-locked door to the cabin's basement has now been
mysteriously unlocked, so he heads down there to take a look (yeah,
that's what I would
do!). While holding his nose from the foul stench and stepping over
an axe on the floor that looks to have dry blood on it (yep, that's
something I would do!), Rudy discovers a weird box with the word
"Gift" emblazoned on it and a strange brass demon head
padlock, so he would do what every other conventional horror
character would do and brings the box upstairs. He nearly breaks the
demon head padlock with a screwdriver, but Hope lures him up to the
second floor for some sex (phew, dodged a bullet there!). While Rudy
and Hope are doing the nasty upstairs, the box begins to shimmy and
shake on the coffee table. We then discover that Stanley's uncle, the
owner of the cabin, is an expert on European folklore and has been
collecting objects for years, storing them in the basement (we also
discover that Dora's biggest fear is porcelain clowns! Well, they are
a little creepy.). Later that night, everyone celebrates Dora's
birthday (Her "cake" is a single Hostess Cupcake with a
candle in it! I guess the Craft Service budget was non-existant on
this film!) and then sit down in the living room to watch the video
footage Dora shot earlier in the day. Dora is mysteriously drawn to
the box on the coffee table and notices that the demon head padlock
is unlocked, so she removes it and opens the box (another rookie
move). Biggest. Mistake. Ever. An invisible evil force escapes from
the box and begins playing games with the foursome. Rudy's reflection
in the mirror tells hin, "You are dead!" Stanley's van
takes off by itself without any apparent driver. Rudy becomes
possessed (in a really crappy makeup job) and begins terrorizing
everyone else. Stanley is attacked by a stone demon statue and then
chops-up Rudy into little pieces with the basement axe (all of it
off-screen). Stanley, Dora and Hope (who should change her name to No
Hope) become trapped in the cabin when a mysterious wailing force
surrounds the outside of the cabin (and Dora has a nightmare where
she is attacked by a porcelain clown). Rudy comes back to play some
more deadly games with the living (I guess the dead have a special
supernatural glue that works with human body parts), but by the time
the film finally ends, you'll be rooting for Rudy to finally finish
off these people, who all have the charisma of a rock and the brains
to match. NOTE: Apparently "Gift" in German means
"Poison". I looked it up and they were right. Oh,
boy. Director/co-scripter Vince Di Meglio (CHRISTMAS
NIGHTMARE - 2001) may have been "inspired" by EVIL
DEAD, but he's no Sam Raimi. Where much of EVIL DEAD
depended on the "anything goes" performance of Bruce
Campbell and Raimi's frenetic directorial style and camera
placements, DEADFALL has the
dull-as-dishwater Patrick Lawlor (and later on, Kirstin Leigh) in the
Campbell role and while Di Meglio tries hard with his camera
placements and movements, by the year 2000 it had all been done to
death in countless other horror films. The total lack of blood and
gore throughout most of the film's running time certainly doesn't
help its cause and the stabs at comedy (a possessed Rudy getting
face-planted with a frying pan; Stanley going after Rudy with
electric hedge clippers before running out of electric cord) seem
more forced than funny. When the "tree rape" scene in EVIL
DEAD is replaced here by Dora getting attacked by leaves (!),
you'll say enough is enough. Why parody a film that was a parody to
begin with? Don't waste your time with such tripe. There's also no
nudity besides a shot of Rudy's ass pressed against the glass shower
door. Really, is that what we really want to see when watching a
horror film (gay men excluded)? If imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery, DEADFALL can be considered a swift kick to Sam
Raimi's ballsack. This is such a blatant rip-off of Raimi's film, but
neither Di Meglio or Fischer bother to thank him (or recognize his
huge contribution) in the closing credits. Screw them. Available on
DVD from Lincoln Media Group. Not Rated, but I've seen more
gore and nudity in a PG-13 Rated film. Not to be confused with the
1993 film DEADFALL, starring a
manic Nicolas Cage and directed by Christopher Coppola (DRACULA'S
WIDOW - 1988).
DEADLY
END (2005) - Bob and Wendi Petersen
(Jack Huston, Pell James) have just moved cross-country and are the
new neighbors in a house on a cul-de-sac in a neighborhood that can
best be described as rundown (as Bob drives to his first day at his
new job at ZeeCorp, he notices that nearly all the houses on his
block are boarded-up and deserted). Bob finds out from co-worker
Scotty (John Ennis) that the neighborhood was the victim of some
chemical spill by the company he now works for (Scotty calls it the
"ZeeCorp Love Canal"), but no one is allowed to talk about
it in fear of being fired. Bob and Wendi are about to find out
why, as they meet the weirdest assortment of people this side of Twin
Peaks. While Bob is at work, Wendi has the gas and electric turned on
in their house and the utility man makes sexual advances towards her.
When she turns him down, he walks outside and pisses on the house.
The two elderly people who live next to them are deaf and strange.
The old lady likes to drive her car on Bob and Wendi's lawn while
honking the horn and later we see the two old farts taking a shower
with bottled water. Someone leaves a bouquet of flowers at the front
door for Wendi with a welcome letter (that looks more like a ransom
note!), but as Wendi will find out later that night, the flowers are
covered in poison oak (she wakes up in bed with her face covered in
blisters and has
to be rushed to the hospital). Wendy begins acting strange, hiding in
moving boxes and not wanting to leave the house. Bob meets another
strange neighbor named Adrien (Nick Searcy), who covers his
windows with newspapers and spend his days and nights listening to a
religious radio call-in show. Adrien delivers some chocolates to Bob
and Wendi's house as a welcoming gift, but as they will find out, the
chocolates are filled with a horse laxative (Bob has a particularly
bad bathroom accident at work, that's both nasty and hilariously
funny). Adrien returns the next day with a gift of grape preserves,
but Bob tells him to take his preserves and get lost. Adrien then
threatens both Bob and Wendi's lives, calling them "damn sex
whores" and returns in the middle of the night to sabotage the
food in their refrigerator. Bob catches him in the act and calls the
police, but as Bob will soon find out, the police are just as crazy
as Adrien and everyone else on the block. When Bob tries to gather
all the neighbors together to form a neighborhood watch, he and Wendi
find out that no one dares speak badly about Adrien. When Bob and
Wendi discover that she is pregnant, the film takes a gross turn that
will most certainly make you laugh and wince in pain at the same
time. This sick and twisted film is like a black comedy version
of the 1984 thriller IMPULSE,
where a chemical spill causes a town to lose all their inhibitions.
In this case, whatever was spilled (it's never explained or expanded
upon after Scotty's off-hand remark about it to Bob) caused the
people to turn totally insane and director/scripter Graeme Whifler
(who scripted the equally outrageous SONNY
BOY [1989] and the above-average horror comedy DR.
GIGGLES [1992]) piles on the depravity, but always with a
wicked sense of humor. My favorite scene is when we watch Adrien
"masturbate" in his bedroom. He inserts a finger into a
stitched-up incision in his stomach and repeatedly jams a hypodermic
needle into his crotch while moaning like some schoolboy reaching
orgasm. Both Jack Huston and Pell James prove to be good sports, as
they spend a good portion of their screen time in the bathroom,
either with a bad case of the "Hershey squirts" or puking
their guts out, thanks to Adrien fucking around with their food and
water. I don't recommend this low-budget film to new home owners,
because it will make you very wary of your neighbors. Everyone has a
neighbor they don't particularly care for, but this film amps up that
fear to a whole new level. While not very gory (Until the outrageous
finale, where Adrien performs a homemade C-section on Wendi and
sticks his hands into her open stomach and then performs the same
operation on himself, fondling his internal organs and removing a
large tumor, only to be interrupted by the deaf old man. What happens
next is truly mind-boggling!), the film makes you feel uncomfortable,
such as the scene where Adrien spits into an unconscious Bill's mouth
or when he turns off the electricity to the deaf old lady's
ventilator. Nick Searcy (a great character actor probably best known
to readers as portraying Deputy Ben Healy on the cult TV series AMERICAN
GOTHIC [1995 - 1996]) is outstanding here as an insane
individual who performs unnecessary operations on himself, including
surgically removing his own penis (he shouts out, "No more dirty
sheets! No more stinky juice!"). The ending of the film is
somewhat of a letdown, but I guarantee that you will be sitting there
with your mouth wide open, wondering if what you just witnessed
wasn't just some bad fever dream. This is a darkly comic trip into a
perverse sector of Twilight Zone, which should come as no surprise
once you discover that Graeme Whifler started his career directing
music videos for such eclectic bands as The Residents and Oingo
Boingo. Originally filmed under the title NEIGHBORHOOD
WATCH which is a much more fitting title if you ask me. Also
starring Terry Becker and Anina Lincoln as the deaf old couple, Chris
Ufland, Jerry Schumacher, Tim Devitt, Randall Bosely and a cameo by
Irwin Keyes (LOVELY
BUT DEADLY - 1981) as a garbage man. A Lunatic Entertainment
DVD Release. Unrated.
DEADLY
STINGERS (2003) - Director
J.R. Bookwalter's homage to the giant creature features of the 50's
is a double-edged sword: In its favor, it has many creepy moments,
thanks to Director of Photography Mac Ahlberg, who has shot
everything from Swedish erotic films of the 60's & 70's (and
directed some of them, too) to some of the better 80's horror films,
including HELL NIGHT (1981)
and RE-ANIMATOR (1985). On
the opposite end, this is directed by J.R. Bookwalter, who blew his
wad with his first film, THE DEAD NEXT DOOR
(1989), and then never recovered. This film was also Executive
Produced by Charles Band, during one of the low points in Full Moon's
history. Band initially agreed to make this film for 20th Century
Fox, but Fox shelved it "due to a decline in the industry"
(which is film-speak for "We didn't care for the film.")
and, as of this writing, has yet to achieve a legitimate U.S. home
video release in any form. Let's get all of the bad stuff
out of the way first: There's plenty of sub-par acting, enough plot
holes to start a swiss cheese factory and some really crappy
(although quick) CGI shots of the monsters, in this case giant
scorpions. All is not lost here, though, because there are some
really good and gory makeup effects and the majority of the giant
scorpion effects are practical. The story is simple (screenplay by C.
Courtney Joyner [LURKING
FEAR - 1994] as "Gene Yarbrough" and Bookwalter as
"Lance Randas"): Some unscrupulous land developers allow
toxic waste to be dumped on their desert property. Normal-size
scorpions frolic in the toxic substance and turn into six foot
killing machines (their POV shots make them see like flies), tearing
apart the population of a small town, beginning with high school
wrestler Eric (Jeff Dylan Graham), who gets his insides ripped-out by
one of the sharp-clawed buggers just as he is about to rape Joey
(Sarah Megan White), the sister of Alice (Marcella Laasch), a doctor
who runs Fairview House, a halfway house full of ex-cons and
recovering junkies. Mayor Carl Baxter (Jay Richardson; TOMB
OF THE WEREWOLF - 2003), who hates the halfway house, blames
the residents of said abode for the disappearance of some of the
town's residents and the murder of Eric. Besides Alice and Joey,
other members of the halfway house includes Jim Crane (Nicolas Read; SLAUGHTER
STUDIOS - 2002), who may or may not be responsible for the
murder of his wife, and crankhead Elroy (Trent Haaga; THE
GHOULS - 2003), who sees imaginary demons due to his
excessive past drug abuse (or is he pulling a fast one on Alice?).
Mayor Baxter pressures Sheriff Evans (Stephen O'Mahoney) to arrest
Jim for Eric's murder, but when the mayor gets killed by one of the
snapping critters and county coroner Collins (Sewell Whitney, who
pukes at the sight of dead bodies) narrowly escapes a scorpion
attack, Collins and the residents of Fairway House must defend
themselves as the scorpions lay siege to the building once the
Sheriff is butchered by a scorpion. How do you kill mutant scorpions?
Why, you find a way to use their deadly tail venom against them,
that's how! While not a badly-made film, DEADLY
STINGERS has so many lapses in common logic that it becomes
painful at times to watch. Why in the world would Jim be serving time
in a halfway house in the same town where he supposedly killed his
wife? If he didn't kill his wife, wouldn't it give the real killer
just more opportunities to make Jim look guilty? How in the hell did
Elroy get his hands on a gun when he's not allowed to leave the
halfway house? How come the rest of the town isn't panicking? If you
can get past these huge plot holes, some of the intentionally funny
dialogue (much of it not funny at all) and the lousy CGI (which is
usually just shots of multiple scorpions in the same frame), you may
enjoy some of the bloody gore on view and the practical rubbery giant
scorpion mock-ups (Trent Haaga, who is the best actor in the film,
has the most memorable death. A scorpion rips-off both his legs and
he tells the rest of the cast, "It looks a lot worse than it
actually is" before dying). In some ways, this film is a
throwback to all those giant creature feature films of the 50's, but
then modern technology once again raises its ugly head to remind us
otherwise. Look for blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameos by Brinke
Stevens, Ariauna Albright and Debbie Rochon. Also starring Lilith
Stabs (seriously?) Jeffrey Sisson and Sunny Leone. The print I viewed
was a DVD-R taken from a British cable telecast. No U.S. label
available at the time of this review, although it would make perfect
SyFy fodder. Not Rated.
DEAD
MAN'S HAND: CASINO OF THE DAMNED
(2007) - More Full Moon crap, directed by founder Charles Band.
At one time Band showed some talent, directing such varied fare as CRASH!
(1976), TRANCERS (1985) and HEAD
OF THE FAMILY (1996), but he recently has been scraping the
bottom of his career barrel, churning-out such mindless, boring
drivel as THE GINGERDEAD MAN
(2005), EVIL BONG (2006) and
this film, a ghost story about the evils of playing games of chance
in a haunted casino. Matthew (Scott Whyte; REEKER
- 2005) has inherited the abandoned and crumbling Dragna's Casino
from his dead Uncle Franco (It looks as if Band blew most of his
paltry budget on cobweb machines), where forty years earlier, Roy
"The Word" Donahue (Sid Haig; THE
DEVIL'S REJECTS - 2005) and many other people were murdered
while gambling at the casino. Instead of bulldozing the casino to the
ground and selling the property, Matthew wants to restore the casino
to its former glory and reopen it for business (Never mind about
important stuff like gambling licenses, building permits and such;
this film
would rather you not dwell on such things). Maintenance man Sam (Bob
Rumnock) and a female realtor (Diane Mizota) are sent in advance to
check the place out, but they are both killed in the casino's mens
room by some unknown force (Sam has his face ripped off and the
realtor has her head repeatedly bashed against the bathroom door
until her skull bloodily splits open). Instead of wondering what
happened to Sam and the realtor, Matthew and his girlfriend JJ (Robin
Sydney; WICKED LAKE -
2008), along with friends Jimbo (Wes Armstrong) the pothead, Emily
(Lily Rains) the closet lesbian, Skeeter (Kavan Reece; GRIZZLY
PARK - 2008) the impotent and Paige (Kristyn Green; CARVER
- 2007) the sexpot, head to the decrepit casino to clean it up and
open it for business. Things take a bad turn from the start when JJ
plays one of the dusty slot machines (that, surprisingly, still
works!) and it pays out in human teeth. Skeeter takes a crap in a
toilet that overflows with blood. Emily meets a blackjack dealer
(Rico Simonini), one of the ghosts of the massacre forty years
earlier, who challenges her to a game of blackjack (Emily is not only
a lesbo, she's a math genius, to boot!). Skeeter meets another
murdered ghost, Melissa (Jessica Morris; BLOODY
MURDER - 1999), and suddenly there's some spring to his
usually flaccid penis. Matthew and JJ are visited by the ghosts of
Roy Donahue and Gil Wachetta (Michael Berryman; THE
HILLS HAVE EYES - 1977), who tell them that Matthew's Uncle
Franco hid two million dollars in silver in the casino and they want
it (What in the hell are ghosts gonna do with a fortune in silver?
They're fucking ghosts for Christ's sake!). Everyone becomes trapped
in the casino (Suddenly, cellphone service stops, because, as we all
know, supernatural forces can block the cellphones' service
providers. Give me a fucking break!), as Roy, Gil and the other
ghosts begin dispatching Matthew's friends in various,
cost-conscious, low-budget ways, all having to do with games of
chance. In the finale, Matthew must play Roy one hand of Poker, the
winner getting both the silver and a chance to escape with their
lives. This has all the earmarks of a latter-day Charles Band
flick: It's filmed on limited sets; has more talk than action; has
most of the females in skimpy clothing, but stops short of actual
nudity; and has special effects that are a combination of cheap CGI
and even cheaper practical effects (The Melissa demon, who has
one-armed bandit slots instead of eyes, elicits laughter rather than
fear, as does the roulette wheel demon, who looks like a GHOULIES
{1985] reject). The screenplay, by August White (Band's SKULL
HEADS - 2009), is just a collection of stereotypical
characters and clichéd situations, many of which don't make
any sense at all. The only line of dialogue that made me laugh was
when Skeeter says to Melissa, "Popping a boner over a dead
chick? I gotta have my head examined!" Michael Berryman is
totally wasted here, relegated to saying "Good one, boss!"
whenever Sid Haig makes a quip. DEAD MAN'S HAND should be
retitled LIMP MAN'S DICK, because the action is as soft as
Skeeter's pecker, the story about as sharp as a wet noodle and the
gore about as hard as kindergarten math. Skip it. A Full
Moon Entertainment DVD Release. Unrated.
DEADMATE
(1988) -
Waitress Nora (Elizabeth Mannino) is sick of her job and sick of the
people she meets such as the condom salesman who wants to give her a
free sample in the back seat of his car. She is also sick of the recurring
nightmare she has of having her heart yanked out while she watches,
unable to move. So she chucks her job and her boring life when a
handsome man in a limousine, John Henry Cox (David Gregory), walks
into the diner and asks her to marry him. Nora has no family (she was
brought up in an orphanage) so she jumps at the chance figuring the
man has money and she will finally have a comfortable life. Things
get a little strange for Nora. She finds out that John Henry is an
undertaker when he drives her to his hometown of Newbury (the name
has a double meaning). They immediately get married right in the Cox
Funeral Home (I hope this name doesn't have a double meaning!). The
entire town is anxious to meet her. John Henry likes his bed cold and
when they make love he instructs her to be very still. Funerals in
Newbury are very popular and have huge turnouts. Nora soon finds out
why her new husband and the townspeople seem weird when she spies on
them having intercourse with a dead girl's body. They are
necrophiliacs and when they feel the urge they run some young girl
off the road, bring her to the funeral home, drain her blood, give
her electric shock and screw her. As one of the townies says,
"It's much safer this way. You can't get AIDS from a dead
person." When the body begins to decompose they cause another
accident to supply themselves with a fresh corpse. Nora realizes she
is next when she discovers a tombstone with her name on it in the
local cemetery. This exercise in bad taste was written and directed
by Straw Weisman, who was a collaborator with the late ultra-low
budget auteur Andy Milligan (TORTURE
DUNGEON
- 1970; CARNAGE
- 1982). Mr. Weisman shows much more talent in his directorial debut
than Mr. Milligan could ever dreamed of having. A good story with
generous amounts of black humor and gore (effects by Arnold
Gargiulo,Jr.). Check out the motorcycle chase near the finale when
the rider slowly decomposes as he tries to run the heroine off the
road. Pretty creepy stuff. The end credits promised a sequel that
never materialized. Probably the best film on the subject of
necrophilia since Alfred Sole's 1972 X-Rated porn comedy DEEP
SLEEP
or director Jacques LaCerte's little-seen LOVE
ME DEADLY (1972). Producer Lew Mishkin is the son of William
Mishkin, who used to produce Andy's bombs. A Prism
Entertainment Home Video Release. Available on DVD from Video
Kart as GRAVEROBBERS (I
don't like that title). Unrated.
THE
DEAD NEXT DOOR (1989) - This is
probably director J.R. Bookwalter's best film also it being his first
film. Mainly financed by Sam Raimi (he executive produced this using
the pseudonym "The Master Cylinder") and filmed in Super-8
over a period of four years, the story is generic zombie gut-munching
stuff, but has a visceral energy which makes it stand out from the
pack. The walking dead have
taken over the Earth except for a force of people known as the Zombie
Squad, who go around shooting all the zombies that they see. There's
also the Reverend Jones (Robert Kokai) who plans on using the zombies
for his own nefarious means. The story is inconsequential, as scenes
of zombies biting into their victims or Zombie Squad members killing
the zombies are shown very frequently (the film only runs about 70
minutes if you don't count the long end credits sequence). Flesh and
guts are ripped apart, heads are severed or blown off and other body
appendages are chewed or torn off. The effects are quite good (by
Dave Barton [DEAD & ROTTING
- 2002], Bookwalter and others) for such a super low-budget film and
there is plenty of humor and jump-out-of-your-seat scares to go
around. The question still remains: What in the hell happened to
Bookwalter? Besides the halfway decent OZONE
(1993) and POLYMORPH (1996),
his output has been mainly sub-par SOV crap that was picked up by
Charles Band or David DeCoteau. It seems he shot his wad (don't say
that in front of DeCoteau!) on his first film and lost the spark that
all good directors seem to keep at least for a few films. Bookwalter
is a mainstay in the independent filmmaking world, even today, but I
cannot understand why. Most of his stuff, including THE
SANDMAN (1996), WITCHOUSE
II: BLOOD COVEN (2000) and WITCHOUSE
3: DEMON FIRE (2001) are dreadful pieces of dreck. He has
also produced, edited and written countless other films which I will
not mention. THE DEAD NEXT DOOR
will remain his crowning achievement and that's not a bad thing.
Also starring Peter Ferry, Bogdan Pecic, Jolie Jackunas, Scott
Spiegel, Michael Grossi and Bruce Campbell dubbing the voices of
several characters. Most of the characters names are famous horror
directors, Anchor Bay
has released a pretty good looking DVD of this film. There's plenty
of grain (it is Super-8 after all), but they've remixed the film into
Dolby Digital Surround and filled the DVD with plenty of extras, my
favorite being the auditions of the actors/behind the scenes talent. Not
Rated.
DEAD
OF NIGHT (1999) -
Sleeper of a film that never quite got the recognition it deserved,
thanks to it's generic title (at least ten films share it) and lack
of publicity or distribution. Serial killer Leo Rook
(Christopher Adamson) escapes off a
prison ship headed for an isolated prison island and sets foot on a
island with a lighthouse (LIGHTHOUSE
is the film's original title). After killing most of the lighthouse
residents, Rook turns off the light in the lighthouse causing the
prison ship to crash on the jagged rocks. The surviving prisoners and
guards, including new prison doctor Kirsty McCloud (Rachel Shelley),
must learn to trust each other while Rook begins killing them in very
gory ways. Dr. McCloud forms an uneasy alliance with prisoner Richard
Spader (James Purefoy), who says he is innocent. Is he really? What
secret is Dr. McCloud concealing? And what are Rook's motives for
causing this shipwreck? While this might seem a generic description
for hundreds of slasher films, DEAD
OF NIGHT delivers where it counts. It's scary, involving and
gory as all hell. I'm quite surprised that this actually received an
R-rating in the States as there are many scenes of dismemberment
(Rook really likes to decapitate people) and tense scenes of terror
(try to watch the scene with the rolling aerosol can in the bathroom
and not jump out of your skin). First time director Simon Hunter (THE
MUTANT CHRONICLES - 2007) gives the whole film a genuinely
creepy atmosphere, filming the kills in unusual ways (one kill can
only be seen in a swinging window's reflection) and using fog, light
and sound to great effect. The final 15 minutes are a spectacular
white knuckle ride, so the less said about it the better. This is one
film that should be on every slasher film fanatic's must-see list.
What are you waiting for? This film reminded me of 1972's TOWER
OF EVIL (a.k.a. HORROR
ON SNAPE ISLAND), since they both deal with a killer
murdering people on a deserted island with a lighthouse, but this one
is much better. Also starring Paul Brooke, Don Warrington, Chris
Dunne, Bob Goddy and Pat Kelman. An A-Pix Entertainment Home Video
Release. Rated R.
THE
DEAD PIT (1989) - I remember back
in the early-90's that everyone was clamoring to get their hands on
the Imperial Entertainment VHS
of this title because of the raised plastic cover (Imperial also
released BLACK ROSES
[1988] in a raised plastic cover), where you pressed the creature's
finger and its eyes would light up with a green color (Imperial also
released a flat slipcase version, which was much easier to find). It
took me a good couple of years to finally purchase the film in that
raised plastic cover (pardon the look of the scan because it is
nearly impossible to scan a raised cover clearly) and the eyes still
lit up until about 2007 (now that's long battery life!), but I was
kind of disappointed in the film, because to my eyes, it looked
severely edited to achieve an R-Rating. A few years back, Code Red
released a widescreen Unrated
Director's Cut double-disc DVD of this film, adding over nine
minutes of footage to the 92-minute R-Rated version (much of it the
missing blood and gore), and the difference in watching the two
versions is like night and day. The film no longer has a disjointed
feel to it
and the story, while still the same, makes more sense. The film opens
at a mental health facility, where Dr. Gerald Swan (the late Jeremy
Slate; BORN LOSERS
- 1967) disagrees with the ways Dr. Colin Ramzi (Danny Gochnauer) is
treating his patients. We then watch Dr. Ramzi giving one of his male
patients a lobotomy by sticking a metal probe through the base of his
eye and carrying him to an abandoned wing of the facility that is
located in the basement under the clock tower. Dr. Swan discovers the
still-living body of the patient lying on a table in the basement,
his brain exposed with wires pulled tight to keep the skin separated,
while formaldehyde is being pumped into his brain and arteries. Dr.
Ramzi suddenly appears and tries to give Dr. Swan one of his patented
lobotomies, but Dr. Swan pulls out a pistol and shoots Dr. Ramzi
right in the middle of his forehead, killing him instantly. Dr. Swan
then puts his foe's dead body in a basement room and seals the door
with cement so the room cannot be discovered. Twenty years pass and
Dr. Swan is still the head of the facility. A new patient, who they
dub "Jane Doe" (Cheryl Lawson; THE
VINEYARD - 1989) because she can't remember her name or
anything about her life, is admitted for her severe amnesia. Jane
protests, screaming that she doesn't have amnesia because her
"memories were taken from me!" As soon as she speaks those
words, an earthquake suddenly happens, and the basement door that had
held the dead body of Dr. Ramzi for twenty years bursts open. Jane
then says, "The people in the cellar need help!" Dr. Swan
immediately knows what she is talking about, but even he will not be
prepared for what is to come. Dr. Ramzi returns to life (or a
facsimile of it), only now he has red glowing eyes and the bullet
hole is still in the middle of his forehead. He begins to
systematically kill staff and patients alike, usually by giving them
eye lobotomies first (there is a lot of gory eye violence in this
film) and then bringing them to the basement under the clock tower
(which is now known as the "Dead Pit" because he disposes
his victims' bodies in a pit in the floor). Somehow, Jane is involved
in this mess (Dr. Swan hypnotizes her and finds out her name is Sara,
but I'll keep calling her Jane in this review), as Dr. Ramzi taunts
her relentlessly, first by throwing the decapitated head of the Head
Orderly (Get it?) at her. Jane also has nightmares about Dr. Ramzi,
whom she is sure is the one who stole her memories. Dr. Swan believes
her, but Head Nurse Kygar (Joan Bechtel) treats her like a crazy
loon. Jane finally realizes that her nightmares about Dr. Ramzi and
flashes of her childhood are true, so she asks fellow patient Chris
(Stephen Gregory Foster) to help her escape the facility. Chris
manages to pry an outside door open and Jane escapes, but Chris is
caught and thrown in a rubber room (the guards don't notice Jane
running away). Jane hides in the abandoned clock tower until she
figures out a way to get through the facility's high fences, but
since that area is Dr. Ramzi's base of operations, she has to try to
keep one step ahead of him when she discovers the mutilated corpses
of his victims in the Dead Pit. Alas, Jane is caught by Dr. Ramzi and
is knocked out. When she wakes up, she finds herself strapped to a
table with Dr. Ramzi ready to perform his experiments on her. Jane
sees all of Dr. Ramzi's victims, both past and present, rise from the
Dead Pit as zombies. They begin laying siege to the facility, first
making a meal of two security guards outside after ripping them apart
(one zombie holds a freshly removed liver of one of the guards in
front of the camera). Chris escapes from the rubber room during the
mass slaughter (We see a bunch of zombies sitting at a table, eating
the brains of some of their victims, like it is some formal dinner
party!) and saves Jane, but they can't find a working car because the
zombies have removed the distributor cap from all of them (Chris says
something funny about the intellect of the zombies during this
sequence). Dr. Swan hides and watches horrified as the zombies (all
of them are literally drenched in blood) chow-down on his staff and
patients and he is soon joined by Jane and Chris, where Dr. Swan
tells them what he did to Dr. Ramzi twenty years earlier. Dr. Swan
heads out on his own to destroy Dr. Ramzi, but soon finds himself
strapped to the evil doctor's table, his brain exposed with Dr. Ramzi
picking at it with needles (Picking his brain. Get the joke?). It's
not long before Dr. Swan ends up dead. Meanwhile, Jane and Chris
watch as crazy mental patient Sister Clair (Geha Getz) dissolves a
zombie by throwing holy water on it. Chris get an idea of ending this
whole horrible mess: He will have Sister Clair bless the large water
tower on the premises and then Chris will collapse the water tower
with a homemade bomb, flooding the facility, including Dr. Ramzi's
Dead Pit, thereby dissolving Dr. Ramzi and his horde of zombies. But
can they pull it off? Jane suddenly
remembers
her long-suppressed childhood memories, realizing that Dr. Ramzi is
actually her father ("Come to Daddy!"). The film ends just
the way most 80's horror flicks end: Just when you think the evil is
destroyed, it is revealed that the evil actually survived, leaving
the film wide-open for a sequel (which never happened with this
film). This is the first film by director Brett Leonard (he
co-wrote the film with producer Gimel Everett). Based on the home
video success of this film, Brett Leonard was given directorial
reigns on several big-budget Hollywood films, including THE
LAWNMOWER MAN (1992), starring Pierce Brosnan; HIDEAWAY
(1995), starring Jeff Goldblum; and VIRTUOSITY
(1995), starring Denzel Washington and one of the first U.S. films
for Russell Crowe. Each of those three films dealt with cyber-reality
in one form or another, but Leonard's film career stalled for almost
ten years (he became a well-respected director of music videos,
especially the groundbreaking ones by Peter Gabriel, and the
long-running 3-D IMAX Short "T-Rex: Back to the Cretaceous"
[1998]). Leonard wouldn't return to films until 2004, when he made
the low-budget Marvel film MAN-THING
(which gets a lot of bad press, but I quite enjoyed it), then the
really disgusting cyber-thriller FEED
(2005; if you have never seen this one, be prepared and have a barf
bag handy), and then the really lousy HIGHLANDER:
THE SOURCE (2007). While THE
DEAD PIT is really nothing special, there is a sense of humor
and symbolism everywhere, as Leonard seems to be winking at the
audience in several scenes (such as a POV shot where the camera looks
like it is being shown through a large keyhole, only to discover that
it is the shape of cutouts on the walls in the clock tower). The
blood flows rather freely in the Director's Cut, as we see one victim
with a hemostat impaled in his eye, various body parts and internal
organs ripped off bodies and eaten and Dr. Ramzi suffering a
particularly juicy demise in the finale. We also get the old standby
of a lighter not working trying to light the fuse to a bomb, while
zombies are rapidly approaching. While the film is really nothing but
zombie nonsense, it is enjoyable zombie nonsense with great makeup
effects and is a good addition to your horror library. The Code Red
DVD is long OOP (it was the ninth Code Red DVD, released in 2008), so
you may have to shell out a large amount of moola to purchase it, but
Jeremy Slate gives a running commentary during the film (along with
Leonard and Everett) and he also has an on-screen interview as one of
the double-disc's extras, just months before he passed away in 2006
(There's a nice, short tribute to him before the film plays). If you
can find it for an affordable price, grab it (Sometimes, Code Red
sells excess stock at their STORE,
so check there before you buy it elsewhere.). Also starring Mara
Everett, Jack Sunseri, Frederick Dodge, Netti Heffner, Luana
Speelman, Randall Fontana and Rory Edelman as a young Sara in the
flashback sequences. A Code Red
DVD Release. Unrated.
DEAD
SNOW (2009) - After hearing and
reading good things about this Norwegian horror film about Nazi
zombies on the loose in the snow covered mountains, I must admit that
maybe my expectations were set too high, because after watching it, I
found it to be nothing more than an average horror flick with some
great location photography and some good gore and makeup effects.
Storywise, it's the same old scenario that has been used in hundreds
of horror films since FRIDAY
THE 13TH (1980; which gets name-checked here, along with EVIL
DEAD 1 [1983] & 2
[1987], APRIL FOOLS DAY
[1986] and many other horror films since one of the main characters
is a horror film nerd). Seven twenty-somethings take a weekend party
vacation to a cabin in the mountains that is only accessible by
snowmobile or a 45-minute walk. They get drunk, have sex and play
Twister (Why? Because they saw it in a horror movie!), until a lone
wanderer (Bjorn Sundquist) comes knocking at their door and warns
them that the area they are in was once the location of a Nazi
atrocity during World War II, where hundreds of people were
mysteriously slaughtered. Up to this day, people still go missing,
which worries Vegard (Lasse Valdal), since his
girlfriend Sara (Ane Dahl Torp) decided to ski to the cabin instead
of joining everyone else on the car/snowmobile trip and she hasn't
arrived yet (What Vegard and the group doesn't know, but the audience
does, is that Sara is already dead, as we watch her being murdered by
persons unknown in the film's opening minutes). The wanderer should
have listened to his own advice and left the area, because later that
night he has his throat cut and is then torn to pieces in his tent by
an unseen growling figure. When Sara doesn't show up at the cabin,
Vegard takes the only snowmobile to look for her, while the rest of
the gang amuse themselves with sled races and heavy drinking. Erlend
(Jeppe Beck Laursen), the horror film nerd (he walks around in a BRAINDEAD
[1992] tee shirt), discovers a small chest full of old gold jewelry,
while Vegard discovers the disemboweled remains of the wanderer and
then falls through a hole in the snow. Chris (Jenny Skavlan) becomes
the first casualty of the group (second, if you count Sara) when she
is attacked and killed in the outhouse and then Erlend becomes the
next victim when a zombie rips his face apart at his eye sockets. It
then becomes survival of the fittest, as the rest of the group tries
to make it to safety or stay put in the cabin, while an army of Nazi
zombies descends upon them. Using whatever weapons they can find
(including a sledgehammer, a chainsaw, a WWII-era German hand grenade
and tree branches), the group tries to fend off the zombies (most are
unsuccessful), while Vegard (who was bitten by a zombie) makes an
important discovery in a cave and races back to his friends (his
snowmobile is now equipped with a mounted machine gun!). The
resulting bloodbath is guaranteed to please even the most jaded of
gorehounds, but disappoint those who were hoping for a more
fleshed-out story. Besides taking nearly forty minutes to get
to the first kill in the group, director Tommy Wirkola (KILL
BULJO: THE MOVIE - 2007), who also co-wrote the screenplay
with Stig Frode Henriksen (who co-stars as Roy), throws-in every
horror film cliché in the book, including false jump scares,
jokey film reference dialogue (God, I hate that crap! Curse you, SCREAM!
[1997]) and unbelievable situations (The major offender being Chris
entering the outhouse while Erlend is taking a shit and then making
love to him. Yech!). Thankfully, the nice snowy scenery (which, even
on the hottest summer day, will cool you down just by looking at it)
and gory makeup effects redeem the film to a certain degree, offering
some novel and imaginative sights (My favorite being Vegard hanging
off the side of a cliff using a zombie's intestines as a rope, while
another zombie tries to bite him. Vegard's death is also memorable.).
Watching Nazi zombies rising and running through the snow is also a
creepy sight (the finale is particularly effective), but I could have
done without all the semi-humorous "ain't it cool" dialogue
and some particularly noticeable CGI effects and just stuck with the
straight-ahead horror aspects of the film. That's where DEAD
SNOW (original title: DOD SNO)
shines. As far as Nazi zombie films go, I rate this one a notch
below SHOCK WAVES
(1976; the granddaddy of Nazi zombie flicks), but it is still
worthwhile viewing for fans of the genre. Just don't set your sights
as high as I did. Also starring Vegar Hoel, Charlotte Frogner, Orjan
Gamst, Evy Kasseth Rosten and director Wirkola as a zombie. Followed
by a 2014 sequel, DEAD
SNOW 2: RED VS. DEAD, also directed by Tommy Wirkola.
Available on DVD and Blu-Ray from IFC
Films/MPI Media Group. Not
Rated.
DEATH
BED: THE BED THAT EATS (1972/1977) -
I've had this DVD in my "To Be Watched" pile for over three
years because, frankly, this film couldn't possibly live up to it's
hype. Lost for over 25 years (Well, not exactly lost. Just mostly
unseen except for a small cult following since it was pirated on VHS
in 1983), DEATH BED has slowly built word-of-mouth raves that
I have read on various websites and publications. That has always
bothered me since MALATESTA'S
CARNIVAL OF BLOOD (1973) got the same type of press and I
hated that film (Hate is a harsh word. Let's just say I disliked it immensely.).
Well, I'm glad to report that DEATH BED
is a laugh riot and not in some unintentional way. This is a
deliberate horror comedy that hits all the right notes. The film is
broken into chapters, titled "Breakfast", "Lunch"
and "Dinner" and each chapter tells a different story about
separate victims of the bed, which our imprisoned narrator (who was a
victim of the bed) mocks continually, especially for it's
"stupidity" for not being able to move. The bed is located
in an abandoned castle, it's always-clean white sheets and purple
canopy inviting people to come and try it out. Little do they know
that the bed is hungry and will devour their flesh (not to mention
their bucket of chicken, apples or whatever else they bring to bed
with them) with it's acidic juices, sometimes only leaving bone in
it's wake. Our narrator sits helplessly behind a painting facing the
bed, witnessing the murdering mattress from Hell doing it's business.
The film is just a series of funny (and sometimes frightening)
imaginative kills, enhanced by the bed's absurd sound effects, some
creative (and downright hilarious) visuals and our narrator's
continuous verbal attacks addressed to the bed.
Director/producer/writer George Barry, who started this film in 1972
but didn't strike an answer print until 1977, never made another film
after this, thanks to it never getting a legal distribution deal in
the U.S.. It's a shame, too, because Barry had talent. Though not
overly bloody (gorehounds will be disappointed), Barry does splash
the red stuff around, though much of it (but not all) is used for
comical effect. By the end of the film, you will think the bed is a
real character because, between the crazy visuals and the narrator's
verbal and visual history of the bed, it seems to take a life and
personality all it's own. That's one of the hardest things to
do as a filmmaker and Barry hits it out of the ballpark on his first
try. Since he is still alive, maybe someone will give George Barry
the funds to make another film. If the actor who loses his hands at
the end of the film looks familiar, that because the credited actor
"Rusty Russ" is actually the excellent character actor
William Russ, who you have seen in films like THE
UNHOLY (1988) and AMERICAN
HISTORY X (1998) and has appeared on too many TV shows to
mention. This was his first acting role in a film. After watching DEATH
BED, one has to wonder how many other undiscovered gems are
out there sitting in someone's closet, attic or basement, just
rotting away, never getting their chance in the spotlight like this
film did. The mind boggles. Also starring Demene Hall, Julie Ritter,
Linda Bond, Patrick Spence-Thomas and Dave Marsh. A Cult Epics DVD
& Blu-Ray Release. Not Rated. Contains female nudity, Russ
with skeleton hands and a lengthy scene of a Black girl trying to
escape from the bed after it has dissolved her legs. The payoff is
suspenseful as well as funny. Grab this while you still have the chance!
DEATH
BY INVITATION (1971) -
This lightweight, made in Staten Island, NY, horror film is just
slightly above the quality of the films of Staten Island's own Andy
Milligan, but just slightly. It is a talky flick that opens up in a
Dutch Village in the 1700's, where a woman named Lise (Shelby
Leverington) is accused of being a Southern Tribes witch by town
leader Peter Vroot (Aaron Phillips). We really never see what happens
to her, but she puts a curse on the Vroot family, telling Peter that
in 300 years, his ancestors will suffer her wrath. We then cut to
1971, where ancestor Peter Vroot (Phillips again) is having dinner
with his wife Naomi (Sarnell Ogus), daughters Sarah (Sylvia
Pressler), Coral (Rhonda Russell) and young-un Elly (Leslie Knight),
sons Roger (Denver John Collins) and Michael (Bruce Brentliner) and
Coral's fiance Jake (Norman Paige). Family friend Lise (Leverington
again) shows up late for dinner, but seems like a good companion to
Naomi and her daughters
Sarah and Elly. Little do the Vroot family know that the 300 years
are up and Lise is about to exact revenge. Lise first lures the
virginal Roger to her home, which is full of black candles and other
witchcraft-related items. She takes Roger's shirt off and puts her
hands on Roger's shoulders as the camera pans down and we see blood
running down Roger's back. When Roger doesn't come home, Peter calls
the police and the detective (Tom Mahoney) accuses Roger of selling
or using drugs, implying to Peter that his son is probably passed out
in a gutter somewhere after getting high. The rich Peter doesn't
believe his ears and forces the detective to leave his house. The
rich Peter offers Jake a job and wants him to come to his office to
talk about it (There's a head-scratching long sequence where Jake
arrives Peter's office building, only to discover that you need a map
to find his office. Once he is in Peter's office, the music playing
on the intercom increases, making the conversation between Jake and
Peter hard to make out. This sequence serves no purpose except to pad
out the film's paltry 81 minutes). At another dinner at the Vroot
house, Lise goes to talk to Sarah in her bedroom, only for Lise to
tear Sarah's head off (off-screen). When little Elly goes to check up
on them, she opens Sarah's door and sees Lise holding Sarah's
decapitated head. Elly screams, falls down the stairs and hits her
head on a chair, killing her. The Vroot family is destroyed, but Lise
isn't done with them yet. The only problem is, Jake knows something
is up with her, so he comes on to Lise and gets himself invited to
her house for a makeout session. Jake doesn't know that both young
Michael and Peter follow him (Peter is more concerned about Jake
cheating on Coral!). Once at the house, Lise tries to seduce Jake,
but he is having nothing of it. Michael sneaks into a room covered by
a heavy curtain and discovers blood on the floor. When Jake sees
Michael's pale face as he exits the room, he goes to investigate and
discovers the chopped-up remains of Roger hanging in a plastic bag,
his blood dripping on the floor. Peter grabs an axe and tries to kill
Lise, only to have the axe slice Peter's throat (at least that's what
I think happened, because it is filmed in a way that we never see the
action performed clearly). Peter dies and the curse is lifted. Well,
I think it is because the film suddenly ends. Although there
are a few sparse scenes of bloody gore (especially the scene of Lise
holding Sarah's decapitated head), the film is badly acted (most of
the people who starred in this, except for Shelby Leverington, never
appeared in another film), they step on each other's lines and it
moves at a snail's pace. Director/writer Ken Friedman only directed
one other film, the 1987 road drama MADE
IN USA, but he did write the screenplays for such films as WHITE
LINE FEVER (1975), MR. BILLION
(1977), the TV Movie 11TH VICTIM
(1979) and JOHNNY HANDSOME
(1989), among others. Friedman has no sense of pacing and in one of
the film's more unintentional humorous moments, the detective's
police sidekick, Sam (Jay Lanno), has no idea where to walk once he
delivers his lines. He walks directly into the detective and then
looks straight into the camera as if to ask the director where he
should go! There's not much to recommend here except some wild
70's-styled flowered and striped shirts (worn by the male cast!),
long sideburns and fleeting glimpses of nudity. Executive Producer
Leonard Kirtman is best known for directing the amusement park gore
film CARNIVAL OF BLOOD
(1971), the hippie horror opus CURSE
OF THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN (1972) and then producing/directing
countless porno films using the name "Leon Gucci". Vinegar
Syndrome offers this film in its original aspect ratio on a double
feature DVD with one of my favorite badfilms of all time, DUNGEON
OF HARROW (1962). The print is in great condition and blows
away the one used by Something
Weird Video on VHS & DVD-R. Another great job by Vinegar
Syndrome, that is fast becoming a DVD label that should suit
everyone's exploitation needs. DEATH
BY INVITATION is also available streaming on Amazon Prime. Not
Rated.
DEATH
CURSE OF TARTU (1966) - As I
write this review, I'm happy to report that director William Grefe is
still alive and kicking and making the rounds at horror conventions.
He may not be well-known to people born in the 80's or later, but to
us old fogies, no mention of Florida regional filmmaking can go
unchecked without Grefe's name being uttered. Grefe didn't direct
many films, but to those of us who went to the movies or watched
late-night horror films on TV during the late-60's through the 70's,
his name was synonymous with South Florida, with titles like STING
OF DEATH (1966), STANLEY
(1972), IMPULSE (1974), MAKO:
THE JAWS OF DEATH (1976) and this film, a TV staple
throughout the 70's about an ancient Seminole Indian witch doctor out
to get revenge on those who desecrate his sacred burial ground. The
film opens with an explorer (an uncredited Brad F. Grinter; BLOOD
FREAK - 1972) discovering a secret cave in the Florida
Everglades, which contains the sarcophagus of Tartu (played by makeup
effects technician and magician Doug Hobart). The huge stone door
(which is obviously made of Styrofoam) closes behind him, trapping
the explorer as Tartu rises from his coffin, kills the explorer and
opens a manuscript in the explorer's possession, the pages revealed
to be the opening credits of the film (which Tartu slowly flips
through for the viewers'
pleasure)! We then switch to Indian guide Billy (Bill Marcus) and
explorer Sam Gunter (Frank Weed) paddling a canoe through the
Everglades until they reach a destination on Sam's map. Billy refuses
to go any further ("Ever since I was a young boy, I've seen my
people bring back the bodies of dead men who have invaded this sacred
burial ground."), so Sam heads out on his own ("Any ghost
that bothers me will have his hands full!) after handing Billy the
map and telling him to give it to Ed Tison (Fred Pinero) and his wife
Julie (Babette Sherrill) so they can come here in airboats. Sam
continues his trek, ignoring ancient warnings like human skulls
hanging on tree branches and then setting up camp. After doing a
little exploring, Sam discovers an ancient Seminole artifact buried
under an alligator skull, which wakes up Tartu once again. Tartu
transforms into a huge boa constrictor and crushes Sam to death while
Indian drums and warrior chanting fills the air. Bill gives Ed and
Julie the map, but refuses to go with them, so they, along with
archaeology students Cindy (Mayra Cristine), Johnny (Sherman Hayes),
Tommy (Gary Holtz) and Joann (Maurice Stewart), take the airboats to
their destination and look for Sam. When they find the camp, but no
Sam, Ed tells the students that he must be out hunting a deer, but he
knows something is wrong. Ed begins deciphering the artifact Sam left
behind (It tells how witch doctor Tartu can take the shape of any
creature to exact revenge and that only nature can destroy him),
while the students go to the lake to "roast marshmallows"
(a code phrase for making out and doing the Twist in their bathing
suits). Apparently, Tartu doesn't appreciate cheap 60's rock-and-roll
or woman shaking their asses, as he turns into a shark and devours
Tommy and Joann as they take a swim, an occurrence Ed finds
impossible ("Sharks don't live in fresh water."). The drums
and warrior chants fill the air once again, so Ed, Julie, Cindy and
Johnny beat a hasty retreat to the airboats, only to discover that
they have been destroyed by alligators. Johnny leaves to find help on
his own, but is soon repeatedly bitten in the face by a poisonous
snake and dies. Ed decides that the only way to stop this madness is
to find Tartu's grave and destroy his body, but Cindy panics and is
killed by an alligator. When Tartu transforms into a young version of
himself and chases Julie into a pit of quicksand (caves, quicksand,
sharks...man, the Everglades have everything!), Ed has to find a way
to save her and destroy Tartu at the same time. Hmmmm...maybe if you
could find a way to toss him in the quicksand! Ah, memories.
What scared me as a young 'un now seems awfully quaint and cheap, but
not without its charms. There's some nice on-location Everglades
photography and some surprisingly gory effects on-view (including Ed
dragging the lake and latching-on to one of Tommy's dismembered arms
and Cindy having her hand bitten off by an alligator) and the acting
could be a whole lot worse than it is. Unfortunately, the pacing of
the film is deadly slow and director/screenwriter William Grefe does
no one any favors by inserting long scenes of people running or
walking through the Everglades, a silly "dancing by the
lake" sequence or the unbelievable bit where Ed moves the giant
stone door by using the powder of a single rifle bullet! Still, the
sight of the skeletal Tartu rising from his coffin is very effective
(and has been burned in my brain since I was a child) and there's
some choice 60's gore on view (man, 60's blood was really bright
red!), so DEATH
CURSE OF TARTU is not a total loss and manages to be quite
atmospheric at times. Originally available on VHS by Active
Home Video and available on an extras-packed double feature DVD
(with Grefe's STING
OF DEATH) from Something
Weird Video/Image Entertainment
and it's worth every penny, especially the added attraction of the
30-minute 1964 gore sexploitationer LOVE GODDESSES OF BLOOD ISLAND
(a.k.a. SIX SHES AND A HE),
which is unbelievable. Not Rated.
DEATH
ROW (2006) - Average DTV horror
flick that made its (edited) premiere on the Sci-Fi Network (now
SyFy) under the title HAUNTED PRISON.
A trio of young students, Keith (Kyle Schmid; THE
COVENANT - 2006), Brian (Scott Whyte; REEKER
- 2005) and Missy (Claire Coffee), are making a documentary on the
Isla Del Roca Penitentiary in Texas where, years before, a prison
riot took place that claimed the lives of many prisoners and guards,
which led to the prison being closed down permanently. No one knows
why the riot started, so the three documentarians plan on going to
the prison to discover the truth, but first they stop at a hospital
to interview infirmed former prison guard John Elias (a
haggard-looking Stacy Keach; FUTURE FEAR
- 1997), who was there in the middle of the riot. After filling-in
the kids on some of the aspects of the riot
(a flashback reveals that Elias may have been the catalyst, but he
talks about himself in the third person and the kids don't make the
connection), where he had to cut off both of his legs off at the
knees in order to survive (he hid in the prison's gas chamber while
everything burned around him), our trio (with two additional friends)
head to the abandoned prison to begin filming. Unfortunately, they
are not alone in the prison, as six fugitives of a diamond heist, led
by Marco (Jake Busey; THE FRIGHTENERS
- 1996), use the prison as a hideout (the irony of the situation is
not lost on the crooks). One of the fugitives, Vincent (James Leo
Ryan), has a serious leg injury and when his blood drips on the
prison floor, it wakes up vengeful spirits who died there (they move
in herky-jerky motions) and they begin killing the living in various
gory ways. Marco has a history with this prison, since his
grandfather (a badly made-up Busey; they should have spent a few
bucks more and used his crazy father Gary Busey!) was a guard there
and then became a prisoner (the grandfather and Elias had a history)
before he died in the bloody riot. The rest of the film is nothing
but a series of gory set-pieces, as the prison's pissed-off- spirits
begin murdering the living while the prison becomes inescapable.
Fugitive Ron (Marco Rodriguez) is squeezed through a chain link
fence, turning his body into bloody puree. Anibal (Russell
Richardson) gets sliced into little pieces when his body is forced
through a license plate cutting machine. Hector (Rey Gellegos) is
fried on the electric chair (Is it standard for a prison to have both
a gas chamber and an electric chair? Oops, I forgot, this is Texas!).
Angel (Danny Arroyo) is impaled on a pipe sticking out of a wall.
Jasmine (Jamie Mann) is cut in half by a ceiling fan. Marco, who is
more interested in his share of the diamonds than the bloody deaths
of his comrades, becomes unglued when Jasmine hides the diamonds and
takes their location to her grave. Missy finds the diamonds and she,
Keith and Brian must avoid a now-psychotic Marco, as well as the
vengeful spirits, while trying to find a way to escape the prison.
Will their documentary ever see the light of day? Do you even
care? This is typical DTV crapola: Lots of blood and gore (even
some of the lousy CGI kind) and a story that makes very little sense,
not to metion the outrageous coincidences that dot the screenplay
(What are the odds that Marco would pick this abandoned prison to
hide in? Why does no one have a cell phone and even if they did, it
would probably show "No Service"? Why does an abandoned
prison still have electricity?). Director/co-producer/co-writer Kevin
VanHook (FROST:
PORTRAIT OF A VAMPIRE - 2001; VOODOO
MOON
- 2005; THE FALLEN ONES -
2005; SLAYER - 2006) tries to
keep things moving at a quick pace, but unless you suffer from a
severe mental handicap, you'll be questioning too many of the film's
plot points. In other words this is typical SyFy material that
follows their movie-making "bible": A bloody murder every
ten minutes or so (perfect for the station's many commercial breaks)
and very little character or plot development. Instantly forgetable
unless you like gore. Danny Trejo (MACHETE
- 2010) puts in a useless cameo as a priest. Also starring Shanna
Collins. A Starz Home Entertainment
DVD Release. Not Rated.
DEATH
SHIP (1980) - I love movies that
take place on haunted ships (GHOST
SHIP [2002] notwithstanding). Maybe it's because of the
feeling of isolation the viewer gets; being trapped in the middle of
the ocean, hundreds, if not thousands, of miles from the nearest dry
land and at the mercy of a derelict ghost ship that wants nothing
more than to make sure that your soul stays on board for all
eternity. I mean, really, what choices do you have when trapped on a
death ship? Most of the time in these films, the radio is on the
fritz, all the lifeboats are gone and food and drinkable water are at
a minimum, so your only real choices are to fight the evil and hope
to God that you win (which usually means that you'll be rescued by a
passing ship) or just give up and jump overboard, where you will
tread water for as long as you can and then eventually drown or get
eaten by a shark. Face it, being trapped on a ghost ship sucks and
the odds are stacked against you. Which brings us to DEATH SHIP,
one of the first modern-day haunted ship films to mix that dreaded
feeling of isolation with scenes of bloody gore. George Kennedy (DEMONWARP
- 1987) is cruise ship Captain Ashland, who is on his final voyage
(he retires in three days) and showing the ropes
to the next ship's captain, Trevor Marshall (Richard Crenna; LEVIATHAN
- 1989). Captain Ashland is a bitter, bitter man who shows nothing
but disdain to both crew and passengers and hates the thought of
forced retirement (One of his crew members says, "Bastard! Thank
God this will be his last trip."). Trevor's wife, Margaret
(Sally Ann Howes) and their two young children, Robin (Jennifer
McKinney) and Ben (Danny Higham), are also on-board the cruise ship
to celebrate his promotion. He should have left his family at home. A
ghost ship appears out of nowhere on radar and rams the cruise ship,
sinking it and leaving Trevor and his family, deck hand Nick (Nick
Mancuso; RAPID FIRE - 1992),
passengers Sylvia (Kate Reid; PLAGUE
- 1978) and Lori (Victoria Burgoyne), Master of Ceremonies Jackie
(Saul Rubinek; TRUE ROMANCE
- 1993) and an injured Captain Ashland as the only survivors. After
spending several days floating in the sweltering sun, the ghost ship
suddenly appears next to them, anchored and not moving. They all
board the floating rust bucket, but the ship tries to kill Trevor,
Nick and Captain Ashland before they even set foot on-board (a
quick-thinking Trevor saves the day). Jackie is the first casualty
when the ship snares his leg on a rope and drops him overboard, where
the ship's spinning propellers grind him to pieces. The ship, which
is a German WW II frigate that had a Nazi crew, possesses the
vulnerable Captain Ashland (Hey, he gets to captain another ship!),
while the rest of the survivors search the ship for food dry clothes
and other signs of life. German voices in Captain Ashland's head tell
him that this is now "his ship", so he begins killing the
survivors, beginning with Sylvia (who breaks out in facial pustules
after eating a peppermint candy she found in a cupboard), whom he
strangles when no one else is around and blames her sudden death on
"a seizure". The Captain's obsessive behavior (he now
dresses in a German Captain's uniform!) troubles Trevor (When he asks
Captain Ashland, "Where do you plan to sail her?", Ashland
replies, "Eternity, Marshall. Eternity!" Oh boy, this does
not sound good at all.), so he tries to take control of the ship from
Ashland, but the ship won't let him. As Ashland bellows "No one
leaves my ship!", Trevor and his family, now the only living
survivors remaining, try to do just that, but will they be
successful? Although it takes a while to get cooking, the
Canadian-financed DEATH SHIP
does have its share of creepy moments and atmospheric sequences, but
it is nearly ruined by the stupid antics of pint-sized Ben, who
always has to pee (He should see a doctor about it!) or runs-off at
the worst times possible. I wanted to punch the little snot squarely
in the face on more than one occasion. Director Alvin Rakoff (KING
SOLOMON'S TREASURE - 1977; CITY
ON FIRE - 1979) and screenwriter John Robins (better known
as one of the producers of THE
BENNY HILL SHOW!) save most of the gruesome stuff for the
film's final third, such as the discovery that this was actually a
German "interrogation" ship and it is littered with the
bodies of Jewish victims (Nick finds out the hard way when Captain
Ashland throws him in one of the ship's bilge wells and he lands on a
net full of rotting Jewish corpses); Lori takes a blood shower
(gratuitous full-frontal nudity alert!) before being tossed overboard
by a possessed Ashland; there's a freezer full of frozen corpses of
the ship's original crew; Nick claws his way through the walls of the
ship's movie viewing cabin while Nazi propaganda films are projected
on his body (this is a nicely-filmed sequence and my favorite part of
the film); and George Kennedy overacts to the point where he almost
becomes a parody of himself (Listen to his line readings of
"Blood! This ship needs blood to survive!" for proof of
Kennedy taking the film to dizzying new heights). What more could you
ask for? Grant Page (STUNT ROCK
- 1978) was Stunt Coordinator here and genre director Jack Hill (THE
BIG BIRD CAGE - 1972) is credited with co-writing the story.
Originally released on VHS by Embassy
Home Entertainment and available on a beautiful widescreen DVD
from Scorpion Releasing,
the only way to watch the film. Rated R.
DEATH
SMILES ON A MURDERER (1973) -
This film has the distinction of being the debut of Aristide
Massaccesi as a director, before he took the name "Joe
D'Amato" (BLACK COBRA
- 1976; EMANUELLE
AND THE LAST CANNIBALS - 1977; BEYOND
THE DARKNESS - 1979; ANTHROPOPHAGUS
- 1980 and many, many others). It's gory, extremely violent and full
of female nudity, yet it is missing something that would make it a
good film. Still, it's an interesting relic that
mixes romance with reanimation, love with violence and death with
retribution. In other words, a typical day in Italian horror, where
anything can happen and it does.
Franz (hunchback actor Luciano
Rossi; THE SLASHER...IS
THE SEX MANIAC! - 1972; D'Amato's HEROES
IN HELL - 1974) is grieving over the dead body of his
sister, Greta von Holstein (Ewa Aulin; DEATH
LAID AN EGG - 1968), vowing to get even with those
responsible for her death. The film then flashes back, showing us how
Franz and Greta ended up this way. Greta is in love with Dr. von
Ravensbrück (Giacomo Rossi Stuart; THE
NIGHT EVELYN CAME OUT OF THE GRAVE - 1971) but, right from
the start, we know Franz has incestuous feelings towards his sister,
as he spies on them from behind a tree, watching the doctor stroking
Greta's hair, wishing he were the doctor.
The film then flashes back further in time. It begins with the crash
of a horse-drawn carriage in which Greta is a passenger. The coachman
lies dead, impaled by one of the carriage wheel shafts (a really
graphic shot) and no one knows who Greta is, as she lies unconscious
inside the overturned carriage. She is rescued by Walter (Sergio
Doria; THE VIOLENT BREED
- 1984), Dr. von Ravensbrück's son, and he brings her back to
his mansion, where she is treated by Dr. Sturges (Klaus Kinski; SLAUGHTER
HOTEL - 1971). When Greta wakes up, she has no idea who she
is or how she got there, but Dr. Sturges finds a heart-shaped locket
on her that has "Greta 1906" engraved on one side and a
strange chemical formulation engraved on the other side, which
immediately gets the interest of the doctor. Gertrude (the prolific
Carla Mancini; THE RED
QUEEN KILLS SEVEN TIMES - 1972), the von Ravensbrück's
maid, seems to recognize Greta and is disturbed by her sudden
appearance. Franz shows up at the house to haunt Gertrude (is he a
spirit?), while Dr. Sturges is up to no good, injecting Greta in the
eye with some unknown solution and then fiddles with the coffin of
the dead coachman. Walter is happily married to Eva (Angela Bo; SECRET
CONFESSIONS IN A CLOISTERED CONVENT - 1972) and is seemingly
very faithful to her. He asks his butler, Simeon (Marco Mariani; WHAT
HAVE YOU DONE TO SOLANGE? - 1972), why Gertrude handed in
her resignation and Simeon says he doesn't know, but she seemed very
troubled when she left. We then see a suitcase-carrying Gertrude
outside, running away from someone (Franz?) holding a shotgun. The
unknown person corners Gertrude, who says, "No, I won't say
anything! I never said anything to anyone!" and then gets both
barrels to her face, turning it into raw hamburger (another very
graphic scene).
Greta becomes friends with Walter and Eva and Eva even throws a
party in her honor, while Dr. Sturges works feverishly in his
laboratory. Greta still has no idea who she is, telling Walter
that she sometimes feels like a prisoner. At her party, Eva
introduces Greta to ballet dancer Maier (Giorgio Dolfin; TORSO
- 1973), while both Walter and Eva look at her, passion in their
eyes. Dr. Sturges finishes his experiments, pouring his green
solution into a bottle, while Greta, Eva and Walter go quail hunting,
where Walter tells Greta that he "loves her desperately"
and they kiss, Eva seemingly aware what her husband is up to. We then
discover that Dr. Sturges has a secret room beneath his laboratory
where he experiments on human cadavers. He tells a male corpse that
he will live again, because "I possess the secret of life!"
Is he on the verge of success? Does he have the power over life and
death? And what does Greta's locket have to do with it? Yes, it is
true, his formula works, maybe too well, because his male cadaver
springs to life, choking the life out of Dr. Sturges and then goes on
to kill the doctor's assistant.
Meanwhile, Eva tries to drown Greta in the bathtub, but she stops,
telling Greta that she love her, too. Yes, there is a very strange
love triangle sandwich in the Ravensbrück home, with Greta as
the meat, as Walter and Eva take turns making love to Greta. It turns
out Eva is quite jealous. She drags Greta to a basement room, sealing
the door with brick and mortar, telling Walter that Greta left
without a word. Walter phones Inspector Dannick (Attilio Dottesio; ESCAPE
FROM GALAXY 3 - 1981) and he tells Walter he will look for
her. Two weeks pass and the Inspector tells Walter and Eva that Greta
is nowhere to be found and it would be hopeless to look for her any
longer. Eva is so happy, she throws a masquerade ball, where she sees
a mask-wearing Greta in the crowd. Eva runs to the basement and
starts tearing down the wall she built, where a black cat jumps out
and scares her half to death. Before she can check the room, she sees
Greta at the top of the stairs and tries to escape, but no matter
where she turns, Greta is there (sometimes with the face of a
decomposing corpse) and Eva falls out of a window, splattering her
brains on the cobblestones below. The Inspector, who discovers the
empty bricked-up basement room and interviews guests at the party,
believes Greta is alive and out for vengeance. Walter's father shows
up for Eva's funeral and sees Greta off in the distance, watching the
funeral. Is it possible Dr. von Ravensbrück knew Greta long
before she lost her memory in that carriage accident? And what about
the reanimated cadaver? What has he been up to all this time? And
what is Franz's involvement in all this? If you want to know, I
suggest you rent or buy this film.
This is easily Joe D'Amato's most accessible film, for the simple
reason that the story is linear and easy to understand, unlike his
later films,
where sequences jump from scene to scene without reason. Yet,
this film lacks D'Amato's usual sleaze factor, which makes most of
his films memorable. Sure, there is plenty of female nudity (some
full-frontal) and lots of graphic violence, but it lacks D'Amato's
sleazy touch. Most of the sex and violence is shown matter-of-factly,
without any flair at all. The screenplay, by D'Amato, Claudio
Bernabei & Romano Scandariato (DOCTOR
BUTCHER M.D. - 1980), pays homage to the works of Edgar
Allan Poe, such as being buried alive behind a brick wall ("The
Cask Of Amontillado"), the masquerade party ("The Masque Of
The Red Death"), a cat attacking ("The Black Cat") and
even Sergio Doria as Walter looks and dresses like Poe, making this a
good little film to play "Spot The Reference". Not that
this is a good film, it's not, but it is a well-photographed (by
D'Amato) little horror film that has some history to it. I remember
seeing this on TV in the mid-'70s and being bored to tears. It was
one of 13 Spanish and Italian horror films that Avco Embassy released
as part of their "Nightmare Theater" package, all of them
severely edited for nudity and violence. Without either of those (the
TV version was missing the scene of Greta making mincemeat of Walter
with a surgical saw and then impaling his naked body to a door, as
well as most of the other scenes I mentioned in this review), this
film was a complete bore on TV, as well as making no sense at all. It
does make sense in its unedited version, though, and is not quite as boring.
Filmed as La Morte
Ha
Sorriso
All'Assassino (a
translation of the review title), this film never received a U.S.
theatrical release and was only released on VHS by gray market
sellers, like Something Weird Video, Legend House and CineFear
(usually in the cut TV print). My review is based on the DVD-R from
Sinister Cinema (purchased through Amazon), the print's is title
being DEATH SMILES
AT MURDER. The print is crisp and clean, but the soundtrack
has some hiss during the quieter moments, but it's not a deal
breaker. There is also a nice Blu-Ray out there from Arrow
Video, but I did not think this film was worthy of my $25.00
(the Sinister Cinema DVD-R was less than $10.00), but others may
disagree (and I wouldn't argue with them). Also starring Fernando
Cerulli (WATCH ME WHEN I KILL
- 1977), Oscar Sciamanna (THE
STRANGE VICE OF MRS. WARDH - 1971), Pietro Torrisi (WEREWOLF
WOMAN - 1976) and Tony Askin as the living cadaver. Not Rated.
DEATH
SPA (1987) -
Just why are people dying graphically at the Starbody Health Spa? Who
or what is controlling the computer operated exercise equipment so
that a man's ribcage is torn apart while he's using a butterfly
machine? Why would anyone want to put chlorine gas in the steam
room? And why are the tiles flying off the walls in the women's
shower room? Could it be the spa's owner's (William Bumiller, star of
Andy Sidaris' GUNS
[1990] and DO
OR DIE
[1991]) or the ex-brother in law (the late Merritt Butrick, who was
Kirk's son in STAR
TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN [1982] and STAR
TREK III: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK [1984]), who designed the
spa's unique computer system? Could it be the owners of a rival spa
looking to put Bumiller out of business? Or could it be Bumiller's
dead wife (and Butrick's twin sister, who doused herself with
gasoline and set herself aflame when she became a cripple after a
miscarriage) come back to life to make things miserable for her hubby
and his new girlfriend? If you answered yes to the last three
questions, you were correct, as they are all involved somewhat in the
dastardly doings. While low on originality, it is pretty high in
depicting gory mayhem and beautiful women's naked hardbodies. There
are impalements, acid burnings, pool mishaps, a particularly nasty
mirror explosion/beheading and a CARRIE
(1976) - inspired finale. It was also a pleasure to see nice looking
girls in various states of undress since low budget films like this
normally showcase the bodies of out-of-shape, cellulite-ridden ugly
females who would do anything (and usually do) to get their mugs and
jugs on screen. Director Michael Fischa also made the terrible,
laugh-an-hour comedy MY
MOM'S A WEREWOLF
(1988), as well as the urban exploitationer CRACK
HOUSE
(1989). Co-star Ken Foree can also be seen in George Romero's DAWN
OF THE DEAD
(1978) and Stuart Gordon's FROM
BEYOND
(1986), two films which are recommended viewing for all horror fans.
Rosiland Cash also starred in THE
OMEGA MAN
(1971) and DR.
BLACK MR.
HYDE
(1976; a.k.a. THE WATTS MONSTER).
On the gore and flesh quotient alone, DEATH
SPA
(also known as WITCH
BITCH)
is a mildly diverting experience in fleshtones and blood. An MPI
Home Video Release. Also available from MPI on DVD
& Blu-Ray. Unrated.
DEATH
WISH CLUB (1983) - You
may have seen this film in a condensed version in the trilogy NIGHT
TRAIN TO TERROR
(1985). Even if you have, I urge you to check out the complete
version of this outrageous and unpredictable low-budget gem. Glenn
(Rick Barnes), a college student, falls madly in love with a girl
(Meredith Haze) he spots in a
porno movie. Not knowing her name, he tracks her down with a little
investigative work and finds out her name is Greta and she plays
piano at a bar run by the mysterious George (J. Martin Sellers).
Greta is a strange girl. She likes to walk around half-naked, use
profanity and fuck Glenn like a rabbit (much to the pleasure of
Glenn's elderly neighbors; a running gag throughout the film). Greta
and George indoctrinate Glenn into their club, whose members meet
regularly and try to cheat death. Glenn's first meeting with the club
involves sitting around a table while a poisonous giant beetle is let
loose, flying around the table picking out a victim to sting.
(Stop-motion animation was later added to the edited version in NIGHT
TRAIN
to make the scene more believable.) Glenn is disgusted with the
proceedings and wants nothing more to do with Greta or the club. To
give away any more of the plot would be cheating you out of a
once-in-a-lifetime trip into the bizarre. This film, originally
titled CARNIVAL
OF FOOLS
(in a slightly different edit), could only come from the fertile pen
of Philip Yordan, who also wrote BLOODY
WEDNESDAY
(1985), THE
NIGHTMARE NEVER ENDS
(1980 - a.k.a. CATACLYSM
and SATAN'S SUPPER)
and dozens of other pieces of weirdness. Yordan puts in a cameo
appearance here as a dirty old man in a porno theater. DEATH
WISH CLUB
is packed with unusual situations, set pieces and dialogue. During
one club meeting where everyone is strapped in an electric chair
waiting to see which one of them will receive the lethal jolt, the
loser says, "Pardon me while I smoke", just before he
expires from the excess voltage. There's also plenty of nudity on
view and, surprisingly, very little blood considering the subject
matter. DEATH
WISH CLUB
deals with the perversities of life in such an off-kilter, humorous
way that excessive bloodletting is not needed. This is probably the
strangest love story ever filmed and thereby is required viewing for
anyone looking for something off the beaten path. This is
jaw-dropping stuff! Directed by John Carr (FUGITIVE
LOVERS
- 1975; MARILYN
ALIVE AND BEHIND BARS - 1982/1993). A Regal
Video, Inc. VHS Release. Also available on a budget fullscreen
DVD from Trinity Home Entertainment. Vinegar
Syndrome has a third version of the film, titled GRETA,
on their NIGHT
TRAIN TO TERROR Blu-Ray/DVD Combo Pack (it is on the DVD
only). Not
Rated.
DEEP
SPACE (1987) - Another one of
director Fred Olen Ray's many 80's horror films, mixing a generic
plot with a cast of highly capable B-movie stars. When deep space
probe Centaur One, which contains a top secret experiment conducted
by Dr. Forsythe (James Booth; AVENGING
FORCE - 1986), crash-lands in the California forest near
L.A., it unleashes creature that, according to Dr. Forsythe, was
"trained to kill". The shoot-first-and-ask-questions-later
detective team of Ian MacLiamor (Charles Napier; SKEETER
- 1993) and Jerry Merris (Ron Glass; TV's FIREFLY
- 2002) are assigned by their hotheaded boss, Captain Robertson (Bo
Svenson; DEADLY IMPACT -
1984), to investigate the murders of two teenagers in the woods, who
just happen to be the creature's first two victims. When they get to
the scene of the crime, Ian and Jerry find the victims torn to
pieces, parts of their bodies strewn all over the crash site. While
the police forensics investigator, Dr. Rogers (Anthony Eisley; THE
WITCHMAKER - 1969), brings a huge organic pod back to his
lab for further study (a huge toothsome creature, with a vagina-like
opening in it's stomach, later escapes from the pod and kills Dr.
Rogers), Ian and Jerry find two smaller versions of the pod and bring them
home with them (I can't begin to count how many police procedurals
they just broke!). After questioning a wino who witnessed the probe's
crash landing (the wino's immediately killed by the creature as soon
as he stumbles out of the police station), Ian and Jerry head back to
the crash site only to be refused entry by government soldiers
carrying automatic weapons. Ian smells a rat (or rather, an alien)
and his suspicions are confirmed when Captain Robertson informs him
that the case is closed (all the deaths are classified as
"accidents") and he then suspends Ian and Jerry from the
force. Ian gets outside help from psychic Lady Elaine Wentworth
(Julie Newmar; EVILS
OF THE NIGHT - 1984), who eventually convinces Ian that she
has a psychic link with the creature. When Ian's new girlfriend,
female cop Carla (Ann Turkel; HUMANOIDS
FROM THE DEEP - 1980), tells him that the pod he has looks
like a giant cockroach egg, they bring it to Professor Whately (Fox
Harris), who opens the pod and is killed by a miniature version of
the creature. After killing the small monster, Ian realizes that
Jerry has a pod at his house. Ian and Carla race over there, but they
are too late. Jerry is dead and is being eaten from the inside out by
the second small creature. Lady Wentworth informs Ian that if he
wants to stop the infestation, he is going to have to kill the large
creature, which is capable of laying many more eggs. Ian, Carla and
Captain Robertson confront the creature in a warehouse in the film's
finale, where a chainsaw is used to finally behead the creature.
Thank goodness for gas-powered tools! Better acted than most of
Fred Olen Ray's 80's frightfests, DEEP
SPACE is an OK time-waster for the less discriminating
horror fan. It also contains one of the most unusual seduction scenes
in horror film history, where Charles Napier (who is excellent, as
usual) plays the bagpipes during his first date with Ann Turkel and
she agrees to take off her clothes if he stops playing! The film is
full of little comical moments and dialogue and, while some of it is
groan-inducing, there are some inspired scenes, like when Ian pulls
the small creature off of Professor Whately and accidentally tosses
it right into Carla's face. There's also some pretty good gore (the
main creature has tentacles that shoot out of it's vagina-like
opening that attach themselves to the victims' bodies and tear them
apart) and the creature itself is a goofy, but effective, concoction
(imagine part-ALIEN and
part-John Carpenter's THE THING
[1982] rolling on a shopping cart!). Don't fool yourself into
believing you're watching anything but a quickly-made B-monster flick
and you just may find yourself having a good time with this. It's
quite obvious that Ray was influenced by THE
BLOB (1958) (the opening crash landing mimics this film
rather closely), ALIEN (1979)
and 50's monsters-on-the-loose films when he made this. Ray would
later recycle footage from this film for his vastly inferior HYBRID
(1996). A scene from Ray's THE TOMB
(1986) can be seen playing on a TV at the guard station in a
warehouse. Gary Graver was Director of Photography, which is why this
film looks better than it has any right to. Also starring Norman
Burton, Michael Forest, Jesse Dabson, Peter Palmer and Elizabeth
Brooks (THE HOWLING - 1981).
Originally released on VHS by Trans
World Entertainment and not yet available on DVD. Rated R.
DEMON
HUNTER (1965) - This poorly-shot
obscure oddity has very little to offer in terms of entertainment
value. That is, unless your entertainment values run towards the
inane and ridiculous. Originally titled THE
LEGEND OF BLOOD MOUNTAIN, the
story begins with clumsy novice reporter Bestoink
Dooley (George Ellis, an Atlanta, Georgia-based TV horror host
during the '60's) investigating the legend of a monster residing on
Blood Mountain. While on the mountain he meets a doctor, his
daughter, his female assistant and a forest ranger. After countless
scenes of driving and bad post-synch dubbing, the monster finally
appears. You'll wish it didn't. It is a laughably bad creation.
Dooley destroys it with a flame thrower after a protracted,
presumably comical, chase sequence. Directed by Massey Cramer, whose
only other credit is as producer and writer of THE
FLORIDA CONNECTION ( a.k.a. WEED
- 1974), this film is more interesting for its' history rather than
for the actual film itself. Notorious director, producer and
all-around roustabout Donn Davison added some scenes featuring a new
monster, some gore and himself as a respected professor, cut out all
the previous monster footage and released it as THE
LEGEND OF MCCULLOUGH'S MOUNTAIN and BLOOD
BEAST OF MONSTER MOUNTAIN in 1976. This version is available
from Something Weird Video.
The original version was released on video in the late '80's by Camp
Video missing an entire reel at about the 50 minute mark. The
approximately 80 minute film has an actual running time of 65 minutes
in this version! To add insult to injury, Camp Video's box trumpets
the fact that this film features rare footage of Kenny Roger's
ex-wife, Marianne Gordon. It's rare indeed. She is shown drinking
Pepsi out of a vintage can for about 30 seconds and she doesn't have
a speaking part! Add to that endless scenes which seem to go on
forever, such as in the beginning where Dooley is in bed eating
cookies and drinking milk for what feels like hours and what you get
is a film that can only be viewed if your sense of enjoyment leans
towards the masochistic. Also starring Erin Fleming, Sheila Stringer
and Bob Corley. A Camp
Video Release. Not Rated.
DEMONIA
(1990) - This horror film, directed/co-written by Lucio Fulci
during his "twilight" period, may not make a lot of sense,
but there's no denying that it has an atmosphere of dread that just
won't quit. Filled with scenes of nasty gory violence, something we
have come to depend on from Fulci, this film may leave you shaking
your head in disbelief, but I guarantee you will not be bored. This
film can be considered a late addition to the
"Nunsploitation" genre, a genre I am not a big fan
of, but Fulci puts his own "brand" on it, making it a
unique viewing experience, especially for 1990.
SICILY 1486: A group of angry men
drag five nuns into a room of the Santa Rosita Monastery and crucify
them on large wooden crosses, hammering metal spikes into the palms
of their hands and then killing them by pounding metal spikes into
their hearts. The men then leave the room laughing, while the camera
shows us a mountain of human bones in the floor below this room. The
room is then sealed up and the nuns' deaths will be a village secret
for centuries to come.
TORONTO 1990: Anthropologist Liza
Harris (Meg Register; MINISTRY
OF VENGEANCE - 1989) is participating in a séance,
when she sees the image of one of the crucified nuns and passes out.
When she wakes up, her boss, Professor Paul Evans (Brett Halsey;
Fulci's THE DEVIL'S HONEY
- 1986), is standing beside her and berates her for attending
"senseless" séances, reminding her that they are
going to Sicily tomorrow to study Greek ruins as part of an
expedition to discover how Greek history influenced Sicily. It will
be a trip neither of them will forget and only one of them will survive.
Once in Sicily, Liza becomes obsessed with the ruins of the Santa
Rosita Monastery, even though Professor Evans tells her that the
monastery has nothing whatsoever to do with the expedition. The mayor
of the small village pays the Professor a visit and warns him not to
ask the villagers any questions, they are very private people and
don't like to talk to strangers and trying to question them could be
extremely dangerous, even deadly. The Professor and Liza then go to
visiting oceanographic anthropologist Porter (Al Cliver; Fulci's THE
BEYOND - 1981) on his boat and he tells Liza to stay away
from the monastery, because the locals will kill to keep their
secrets. Porter tells them that the locals will refuse to help them
at all, because they believe that the "past belongs dead."
He is right, of course, as the locals refuse to even acknowledge Liza
when she walks into the village and one local, butcher Turi DeSimone
(Lino Salemme; GRAVEYARD
DISTURBANCE - 1988), threatens Liza's life if he sees her at
the monastery again. One night, Liza walks to the monastery in a
trance-like state and destroys a fresco of a nun with her pickaxe,
opening a hole in the wall that leads her to the room where the nuns
were crucified over 500 years ago, their skeletons still hanging on
the large wooden crosses. The sight of the murdered nuns snaps Liza
out of her trance and she screams and runs away. This discovery leads
to a series of gory murders perpetrated by the ghosts of the nuns.
The first to die is Porter, who returns to his boat after going on a
booze run. He finds the lights on, which seems strange since he knows
he turned them off. He enters the boat's living quarters, only to
have a headless ghostly nun (!) kill him with a spear gun bolt to his
chest. Expedition crewmembers Kevin (Pascal Druant; BLUE
TORNADO - 1990) and Sean (Grady Thomas Clarkson; ARENA
- 1989) use the monastery as a place to secretly drink, away from the
nasty Professor (who just got done yelling at his crew for singing!),
when they hear the sound of women laughing in the distance. They both
go to investigate and fall into a pit full of sharp spikes and end up
dead with several wooden spikes impaled through their bodies. When
their bodies are discovered, Interpol agent Inspector Carter (Lucio
Fulci, in an extended uncredited cameo) and his partner Lt. Andi
(Michael J. Aronin; THE LONE RUNNER
- 1986) question Professor Evans and Inspector Carter tells him he
will hold him responsible if there are any more deaths. He tells the
Professor that his wife is from this village, so he better not talk
to any of the locals if he knows what's good for him. Inspector
Carter and Lt. Andi then look for the missing Porter on his boat and
find his severed head attached to the boat's anchor. Lt. Andi accuses
the Professor of being the murderer of Porter based on a ten-year-old
story (and Lt. Andi's love for detective novels!) where the Professor
refuted one of Porter's discoveries, which resulted in the Professor
losing his profession and his standing among his peers when he was
proved wrong. The Professor denies the allegation, telling Lt. Andi
that it is all water under the bridge; he and Porter made up and were
now friends, but the Professor wonders if he and his crew should pull
out of Sicily and head back to Toronto.
Liza then meets a medium/cat lady named Lilla (Carla Cassola; THE
SECT - 1991), who tells Liza that the five crucified nuns
were actually beautiful satanic witches who (cue the flashbacks!)
invited young men to join them in orgies and would kill them (by
stabbing them in the neck) as they reached orgasm, drinking their
blood and then going insane with delirium. If any of the nuns became
pregnant, they would deliver their babies and then immediately throw
them into a fire as a sacrifice to Satan (end of the flashbacks!).
Lilla tells Liza not to tell anyone what she has just heard if she
wants to stay alive; what she needs to do is ask God for help. When
Liza leaves Lilla's home, Lilla's collection of cats go on a flesh
frenzy and attack Lilla (after she hears the nuns laughing),
graphically tearing out her eyes and eating them.
A ghostly nun enters Turi's butcher shop and impales Turi in the
neck with a meat hook. She's not done with him, though, as she nails
his tongue to a butcher's block (!) and finishes him off by locking
him in the freezing meat locker (in typical Fulci overkill).
Inspector Carter finds a piece of ancient cloth next to Turi's frozen
body and now knows that the Professor is not involved. Robbie
(Francesco Cusimano), a young boy who is the son of crewmembers Susie
(Christina Englehardt; SKINNER
- 1993) and John (Ettore Comi) is kidnapped by a faceless (but not
headless) ghostly nun, but he escapes, only to find his father in a
booby trap, both his legs tied between two bent trees. His father
tells him not to move, but Robbie doesn't listen and steps on the
tripwire. He watches his father being torn in half, from nuts to neck
(really graphic and gory) as his blood sprays all over a shocked
Bobby's body.
Just as the Professor is ready to call it quits, one of his
crewmembers tells him he has made an important discovery and the
Professor changes his mind, but makes it clear to Liza that she has
to stop obsessing about the monastery, that's not why they are here.
Liza doesn't listen and goes back to the monastery, which riles up
the locals, who band together and crucify Liza on a wooden cross,
just like their ancestors did to the five nuns. But they take an
extra step and burn Liza alive, as the Professor enters the room and
mourns her death. But Liza then appears dead on the stone floor, her
body no longer burned. For the Professor, it's all too little, too
late, as the film ends with the image of a dead Liza lying on the floor.
While this film looks very cheap, especially the low-quality gore
effects (by Franco Giannini; THE
RAT MAN - 1987), Lucio Fulci does manage to imbue this film
with a dream-like quality. One such scene shows the Professor yelling
to Liza from a far distance not to enter the monastery, while Liza is
standing in the middle of the ruins of an ancient stone amphitheater.
You have to admire Fulci's sense of style, even
though it is obvious he didn't have a lot of money to work with, yet
he instills a sense of extreme mystery and awe with his camera
setups, none more imaginative than this sequence, shot from both
protagonist's point-of-view. It is a beautiful well-shot scene,
worthy of a big-budget epic, not a low-budget horror film, yet here
it is. That's not to say this film doesn't have its share of
problems. The screenplay, by Fulci and Piero Regnoli (PATRICK
STILL LIVES - 1980; and Fulci's VOICES
FROM BEYOND - 1991), is pretty weak. It seems to be just a
series of shock/gore sequences with very little connective tissue
between scenes. The pacing is also languid and Brett Halsey's
Professor Paul Evans is off-putting, denigrating Liza when he should
be supporting her and putting his expedition before Liza's
well-being. He's not a very nice man, to Liza or his crew, who let
off a little steam at night by singing songs around a campfire, only
to have the Professor yell at them for not allowing him to sleep.
Even though some of the cinematography is very lavish, the film still
has the look and feel of a TV movie, such as Fulci's SWEET
HOUSE OF HORRORS (1989), THE
HOUSE OF CLOCKS (1989) or TOUCH
OF DEATH (1990; also starring Halsey). Still, the film's
dream-like quality, mixed with bloody gore (no matter how cheap it
looks), manage to propel this film past the ordinary and into a
territory I recommend whole-heartedly. It's not prime Fulci, but it
still contains more plusses than negatives. A lot of critics give
this film bad reviews, but I invite them to view this film again and
reassess their opinions. I am willing to bet a lot of them will, for
the simple reason that time heals most wounds. It's funny how films
we hated when we were younger become classics or semi-classics as we
become older. This is one of those films, at least for me. Parts of
this film may remind viewers of Fulci's CITY
OF THE LIVING DEAD (1980; the opening séance scene)
or any of his early-'80s gore flicks and that's never a bad thing,
but this film contains enough atmosphere to survive in its own
universe, especially the real ruins that are actually in Sicily,
Italy, giving this film an authentic look and feel, something which
couldn't be done on a stage with sets (even though Fulci was also a
master with sets, as he proved with HOUSE
BY THE CEMETERY - 1981).
This film never received a theatrical or VHS release in the United
States until 2001, when Shriek Show/Media Blasters released it both
on VHS and DVD (which is how I
viewed it, even though the DVD is long OOP). There have been no
updated discs since then, but it can be found streaming on YouTube
from user "Horror Realm" in a pretty good anamorphic
widescreen print dubbed in English. Also featuring Paolo Cozzo (DEMONS
- 1985), Isabella Corradini, Paola Calati, Bruna Rossi (ARIZONA
ROAD - 1991) and Ruth Anderson as the ghostly nuns. Not Rated.
DEMONICUS
(2001) - I'm a big fan of director Jay Woelfel. His BEYOND
DREAM'S DOOR (1988) and GHOST
LAKE (2004) are excellent and unusual horror films that show
a personal style. But when you have to work with hack producer
Charles Band and his Full Moon Productions, you can basically throw
all your personal visions out the window. Even though Jay co-wrote
the screenplay (along with Tim Sullivan), this is still standard
Full Moon crap about a group of students who are on a hike (and some
type of contest) in the Italian Alps (actually filmed at Angeles
National Park in L.A.). When James (Gregory Lee Kenyon) finds a cave
with a preserved Gladiator, he dons the costume and becomes possessed
and begins killing the rest of the group one-by-one, cutting off
their arms, legs and heads and bringing back their body parts to the
cave where he performs a ritual to try and bring back to life the
long-dead Gladiator Demonicus. He nearly succeeds a couple of times
but is thwarted by knowledgable female professor Maria (Jennifer
Capo) and nerdy Dino (Brannon Gould). Budget restraints
notwithstanding, this film is very bloody in spots (courtesy of
legendary badfilm director and effects master Joe Castro of JACKHAMMER
MASSACRE [2003] fame), as arms are hacked off, a leg is
sliced off, Dino is run-through with a sword and there's a pretty
convincing beheading. But the plot is so absurd and the situations so
unbelievable, that I doubt that even Jay would count this as one of
his favorites. The real problem though is that Jay didn't do his own
music soundtrack for the film. This one has a droning synthesizer
score that's headache-inducing (courtesy of Danny Draven), something
that Jay would never do. His scores are haunting and add a great deal
to his films atmosphere. At least it's only 72 minutes long, so it
doesn't overstay it's welcome. While this is better than most of the
latter-day Full Moon films (thanks to Jay's POV blood shots and
better-than-average acting), it's still nothing to write home about.
Would someone please give Jay Woelfel the money he needs to make a
film on his terms? When that happens, he always turns out quality
product, not by-the-numbers stuff like this to make a living. Also
starring Venesa Talor, Kyle Tracy, Allen Nabors, Candace Kroslak and
Todd Rex as Demonicus. Released under Full
Moon's Cult Video label on both DVD and VHS in a letterbox
transfer. Rated R. For more on Jay Woelfel, go to his website: www.JayWoelfel.com.
DEMON
KEEPER (1993) - Conman Remy
Grilland (the late Edward Albert; GALAXY
OF TERROR - 1981), who makes a living swindling old ladies
and alcoholic women of their money by holding phony séances,
is about to get a rude awakening. After pouring all his money into an
old house and tricking it out with all sorts of gadgetry, Remy will
soon begin to believe that the supernatural is not all phony
mumbo-jumbo. He invites a group of wealthy believers to spend a
weekend at the house, but when one
of the rich old broad's nephew (who is in hock with gambling debts
to a gangster and hopes to get his Aunt's money instead) insists on
bringing noted medium Alexander Harris (Dirk Benedict; RUCKUS
- 1980) to try and debunk his powers, Remy decides to perform a Druid
ritual (out of an ancient book that was passed down in his family)
instead of a simple séance. He accidentally unleashes a demon
(Mike Lane) that traps everyone in the house and begins possessing
people to do his bidding, which usually ends in murder. Harris tells
Remy that the only way to find out what the demon wants is to perform
a séance and, after Remy confesses to everyone that he is a
fake, Harris takes over and performs the séance. The demon
appears and tells the group that since they have awakened him from
his peaceful eternal slumber, he has to kill everyone in the house by
daybreak in order to return to his afterlife. The demon possesses the
women in the house, using their naked bodies to entice the men (and
women!) to an early grave. Before the night is out, everyone but
Harris will be dead, thanks to an ancient ring Harris finds that he
thinks will protect him. But, as we all know, it's very hard to cheat
the Devil and Harris ends up being blamed by the police for all the
deaths in the house. Yawn. Is it over? This is a disappointing
outing from director Joe Tornatore, who previously gave us the
unusual actioner THE
ZEBRA FORCE (1976), it's sequel CODE
NAME: ZEBRA (1986) and the weird horror flick GROTESQUE
(1987). DEMON KEEPER is a
bland horror film that only comes to life during the several nude
scenes (one guy is crushed between the legs of a possessed woman
while they are having sex, in the film's most inspired moment). Both
Edward Albert and Dirk Benedict are simply awful here and look like
they would rather be drinking in a bar than appearing in this dreary
film. The script, by frequent Tornatore collaborator Mikel Angel (THE
LOVE BUTCHER - 1975), is a slow-paced and uneventful haunted
house thriller where nothing much happens during the film's scant 72
minute running time. The gore is also minimal and pretty badly done.
There is a quick shot of a dog tearing-out a woman's throat, a couple
of stabbings (one shown in silhouette) and plenty of bad optical
effects (by David L. Hewitt). The demon costume is pretty good, but
it is never used in a manner to induce fear or shocks, even though he
is the most animated person in the whole film. Everyone else in this
film acts as if they are in some sort of trance, giving the whole
film a lethargic pace. I really can't see any point in spending more
time explaining just how boring this film really is. Let's just say
it's bad and leave it at that. The film is set in Connecticut, but
was actually filmed in Zimbabwe, Africa. Also starring Andre Jacobs,
Adrienne Pearce, David Sherwood, Jennifer Steyn, Claire Marshall,
Diane Nuttal, Else Martin and Katrina Maltby. Available on VHS &
DVD from New Horizons Home Video. Rated R.
DEMON
OF PARADISE (1987) - A group
of fishermen in Kihono, Hawaii are illegally fishing with dynamite
when they unleash a long-dormant creature (in other words, a man in a
rubber suit). After causing the fishermen to blow up their own boat,
the creature then goes on a killing spree. The local natives believe
that a mystical beast called Acua has returned, so they perform an
ancient ritual (lots of hula dancing) to keep the creature at bay so
they can continue fishing. It doesn't work. Local cop Keefer (William
Steis), who use to be a sheriff in Reno, Nevada until a serial killer
made him lose his edge, joins forces with visiting herpatologist
(it's a reptile expert, stupid!) Dr. Annie Essex (Kathryn Witt) to
get to the bottom of the killings. Complicating matters is nosey
tabloid reporter Ike (scripter Frederick Bailey), who is working in
cahoots with down-on-her-luck resort owner Cahill (Laura Banks) to
publicize the creature's sudden appearance, so it makes the resort a
popular tourist attraction. Also on the island are two criminals,
Langley (Nick Nicholson) and Shelton (Henry Strzalkowski), who are
waiting for a huge
shipment of TNT to arrive, which they plan on selling to the local
fishermen (the ones that aren't superstitious, that is). As the
tourists start pouring in, the killings begin to escalate and Keefer
wants to close down the resort's lake, but in true JAWS
(1975) fashion, Cahill refuses and tells Keefer to do his job
("I'm not going to let anyone railroad me!"). Cahill holds
a "Creature Egg Hunt", where the tourists search for eggs
hidden around the resort (you've got to be kidding me!), but when
Keefer and his men have a shootout with Langley and Shelton and the
creature puts in an appearance and kills Shelton, all the tourists
leave the resort in a panic. Keefer calls in the National Guard and
they drop grenades on the creature from a helicopter. This just
pisses-off the creature, as it then walks on land for the first time
and traps everyone in the resort's main cabin. The creature begins
picking off people one-by-one and then chases the remaining survivors
to the ruins of an ancient temple, where the creature faces-off with
Keefer, Annie and the National Guard in the film's explosive
finale. This is prolific Filipino director Cirio H. Santiago's
second horror film (after VAMPIRE
HOOKERS - 1979) and it's easy to see why he didn't make any
more. He stinks at it. This is basically a remake of UP
FROM THE DEPTHS (1979; which Santiago produced) and it's a
boring mess, with long stretches where nothing happens, followed by
an explosion every now and then, followed by an appearance of the
creature, which is laughable at best. The subplot about Keefer's past
is never fleshed out, besides him saying "I came here to get
away from this stuff!" when the murders begin to happen and then
later mentioning to Annie that he is a widower (we never really know
if the serial killer back in Reno murdered his wife). The film is
also rather dry and relatively gore-free for a horror film. The
creature attack scenes are few and far between (the sparse gore
consists of after-effects of the creature attacks, like slash marks
on the face and chest of it's victims), as Santiago would rather
focus on the action elements of the film, like Langley and Shelton's
dynamite exploits and several gunfights and explosions. Santiago
could be an efficient director when faced with the right material
(see reviews of FINAL MISSION
- 1984; NAKED VENGEANCE
- 1985; SILK - 1986),
but he seems uncomfortable when it comes to directing horror. He
plays it way too safe, which is probably why he didn't make more of
them after this. Almost all of Santiago's action and post-nuke flicks (STRYKER
- 1983; RAIDERS OF THE SUN
- 1991) display more blood and gore than this film, so avoid this and
watch one of those instead. Also starring Lesley Huntly (who supplies
this film's only topless scene), Joe Mari Avellana (also the Second
Unit Director and Production Designer), Paul Holme, Liza Baumann,
David Light, Ronnie Patterson, Dave Anderson and Joseph Zucchero.
Many of them have appeared in numerous Santiago films in the 80's
& 90's. Originally released on VHS by Warner Home Video and
available on DVD
from Shout! Factory as part
of a double feature with UP FROM THE DEPTHS. Rated R.
DEMONOID
(1981) - Mexican-made horror film with an international cast. The
film opens with a woman stealing a severed hand out of a silver case
(which is shaped like a hand) in a cave occupied by a religious sect
dressed like the Ku Klux Klan (only with yellow hoods and robes). The
woman becomes instantly possessed and gains superhuman powers in her
left hand, but is overpowered by members of the sect, who chain her
now-topless body to a cave wall and chop-off her left hand with an
axe (nothing is left to the imagination). The hand tries escape on
its own, but a sect member stabs it with a knife and puts it in the
silver case, waiting patiently for the next person to open it and
become possessed. We then switch to the present day, where Jennifer
Barnes (Samantha Eggar; CURTAINS
- 1982) arrives in Guanajuato, Mexico to spend some time with her
husband Mark (Roy Jensen; NIGHTMARE
HONEYMOON - 1973; here billed as "Roy Cameron
Jenson"), an investor in a silver mine. Jennifer enters the mine
by herself (in high heels and an evening dress, but she still has
enough sense to wear a hardhat!) and accidentally disturbs some
rocks, exposing a rotting corpse missing its left hand (the woman
from the beginning, perhaps?) and a huge chunk of silver (Which begs
the question: How did Jennifer discover this so easily in an area the
miners walk through on a daily basis?). Pepe (Jose Chavez Trowe),
Mark's right-hand man (no pun intended), tells Mark and Jennifer that
the mine is cursed with the "Devil's Hand", a centuries-old
legend, and now that she has exposed the one-handed corpse, none of
the superstitious locals will enter the mine and do their jobs.
Jennifer hopes to shame the locals into going back to work by
traveling down to the deepest part of the mine with just her husband
and they make it there after several close calls (A human skull falls
into Jennifer's hands and Mark jokingly says, "What, are you
collecting those?"). Mark falls through a sand pit into a lower
chamber that contains a sacrificial temple to the demon with only one
hand. After Jennifer joins him in the chamber, they find the silver
hand case and bring it topside. All hell breaks loose after that.
Mark shows the case to the workers and they all run away in fear.
That night, a drunk and distraught Mark opens the case and discovers
nothing but ash inside. He goes to sleep, but the ash transforms into
a crawling hand that tries to attack Jennifer. Mark grabs the Devil's
Hand and becomes instantly possessed; his left hand has a mind of its
own and it's up to no good. The next morning, Mark forces all the
mineworkers back into the mine and blows it up with dynamite, killing
everyone. Mark escapes to the Sands Casino in Las Vegas, where his
possessed left hand makes him a big winner at the craps table, but he
is knocked out in the parking lot by hustlers Frankie (Ted White) and
Angela (Russ Meyer regular Haji, billed here as "Haji
Catton") and driven to a shack in the desert, where he is tied
to a table and questioned about his "system" for winning.
Mark breaks free and kills them both and, in a moment of clarity,
douses himself in gasoline and sets himself on fire, but the left
hand buries itself in the sand to avoid being burned. Mark's body is
claimed by Father Cunningham (Stuart Whitman; NIGHT
OF THE LEPUS - 1972) and buried in Los Angeles (Why he
claims Mark's body is never fully explained, but it does move the
action to L.A.). Jennifer is convinced that her husband is still
possessed and not technically dead, so she goes to Los Angeles, where
the burnt corpse of Mark rises from the grave, severs his left hand
in the door of a police car and possesses the body of Sgt. Leo Matson
(Lew Saunders), a cop friend of Father Cunningham. Can the good
Father and Jennifer get the hand back in the silver case before more
people get the nickname "Lefty"? Silly beyond belief, DEMONOID
(subtitled "MESSENGER
OF DEATH!" on the advertising materials, but not on the
actual prints) is mindless entertainment, which defies all normal
logic. Director Alfredo Zacharias (THE
BEES - 1978; CRIME OF CRIMES
- 1989), who co-wrote the mind-numbing screenplay with David Lee Fein
and F. Amos Powell, has made an unintentionally hilarious
supernatural chiller, as he tries to show how many different ways
people can sever their left hand from their bodies. Besides the axe
and car door dismemberments, there's removal by laser at a doctor's
office, getting run over by a train, cut off by car windshield during
an auto accident and removal by blowtorch. There's not much more to
the story than that, as the possessed hand passes from body-to-body.
Samantha Eggar knows fully well that she picked a stinker to star in,
so she plays her role so earnestly, she becomes a parody of herself
(especially during the "What The Fuck?!?" finale). Toss in
a loony car chase, subliminal demon imagery (like Pazuzu in THE
EXORCIST - 1973), a few scenes of gore, dismembered hand
puppetry and a bit of female nudity and what you get is a film best
viewed under the influence. What that influence is depends on your
preference. The late Robert
A. Burns (TOURIST TRAP
- 1978) handled the Special Effects Art Direction. Also starring
Narciso Busquets, Erika Carlsson, George Soviak and Al Jones.
Available on VHS by Media
Home Entertainment with a budget VHS release by Video
Treasures a few years later. Not available on DVD. Rated R.
DEMON
POSSESSED (1989) -
A trio of couples run into more trouble than they can handle while
vacationing in Minnesota during the Winter. During a snowmobile race
on Black Friar Lake, Tom (Aaron Kjenaas) is seriously injured when he
flips his snowmobile and
smacks his head against a tree. Miles from anywhere, they are forced
to hold up in Camp St. Dominic, a deserted religious camp where a
series of satanic murders took place years before. After playing
around with a Haitian ouija board, called a "Devils
Eye", Tom becomes possessed by a demon. Before you can say,
"The Devil made me do it", he starts killing his friends in
various bloody ways. One is beheaded by barb wire. Another is chopped
up by a ceiling fan. Still another has an icicle shoved in his eye
while yet another is hung by the neck on a volleyball net. The only
one left is his fiancee (Dawn Laurrie). She escapes, which leads to a
climatic snowmobile chase, where Tom is killed after being run over
by a snowmaking machine(!). This low-budget regional film, originally
titled THE
CHILL FACTOR,
was picked up for video release by A.I.P. Studios who re-edited it
(adding some voice-over narration) and renamed it DEMON
POSSESSED.
It is neither good or bad, just an average little horror flick that
has nothing new to offer fans of the genre. Director/producer
Christopher Webster tries hard to use the snowy locales to good
effect, but without a good story (here supplied by Julian Weaver) all
that you get is some nice scenery shots. This is the type of film you
rent when nothing else can be found at the video store. Thats
what happened to me. Also starring David Fields, Eve Montgomery,
Connie Snyder and Jim Cagle. An A.I.P.
Home Video Release. Not
Rated,
but the gore and nudity never go beyond R
territory.
DEMONS
6: DE PROFUNDIS [THE BLACK CAT]
(1989) - Before I begin this review, I have a brief confession to
make. I originally watched this film after picking up a bootleg VHS
tape of it in the late-'90s at a Fangoria convention in New York
City. It bored me to tears, thanks to the tape not being dubbed or
subtitled in English. I have been watching a lot of late-'80s Italian
genre films lately, so I decided to give this film another chance
since I found an English-dubbed print streaming on YouTube. I wanted
to see if my opinion changed about it, since most of the other
late-'80s flicks have drastically altered my opinion about them,
whether it be because I am older and wiser (?) or that I gleaned
more information about the films than I had when I originally viewed
them. I am rewatching this film because I learned that director Luigi
Cozzi (THE KILLER MUST
KILL AGAIN - 1973; CONTAMINATION
- 1980; HERCULES
- 1983), who once again uses his pseudonym "Lewis Coates",
was making an unofficial finale to the then incomplete Dario Argento
"Three Mothers" trilogy, which, at that time, consisted of SUSPIRIA
(1977) and INFERNO
(1980), but no concluding movie. Argento finally finished his trilogy
in 2007 with MOTHER OF TEARS,
but back in 1989, Argento's ex, Daria Nicolodi (acting in Argento's PHENOMENA
- 1984; OPERA
- 1987; as well as appearing in all three of the Three Mothers
trilogy), gave her friend Cozzi a finished script of her version of
the final chapter of the trilogy. Cozzi, who worked with Argento in
some capacity on nearly all his films up to then, loved the script,
but decided that he didn't want to make a straight concluding chapter
to the trilogy, so he rewrote the script and made it a tribute to the
first two films, as well as a nod or two to EDGAR
ALLAN POE'S THE BLACK CAT (an alternate title to this film)
since money man Menahem Golan and his 21st Century Film Corporation
put up some money for the film and pre-sold it to countries as a Poe
film (one of several Golan was making in the late-'80s, with titles
such as THE HOUSE OF USHER
[1988], BURIED ALIVE
[1989] and THE
MASQUE OF THE RED DEATH [1989]), forcing Cozzi to add
nonsensical inserts of black cats into the film. Nicolodi was
so upset about the changes in her screenplay that she left the film,
in which she had the starring role. Cozzi replaced her with Florence
Guerin (TOO BEAUTIFUL
TO DIE - 1988) and made "his" film. So did
rewatching it change my mind? Does knowing what I know now in my
later years make it a good film? Or was I still bored to tears? Read on...
Two women in a car stop at a building, where one woman gets out and
shouts for a man named George, calling him a murderer while a black
cat (the first insert) watches in the shadows and the woman in the
car has her throat cut. "George" then makes an appearance,
wearing black gloves, a black hat and a stocking pulled over his head
(looking eerily like the killer in Mario Bava's BLOOD
AND BLACK LACE - 1964), as he attacks the second woman with
a large knife. It is at this time we discover all this is nothing but
a movie being shot by director Carl (a short cameo by Michele Soavi; THE
CHURCH - 1989; THE SECT
- 1991), who yells "Cut!" The second woman is actress Anne
Ravenna (Florence Guerin; FACELESS
- 1987), who is married to successful movie director Mark Ravenna
(Urbano Barberini; UNTIL DEATH
- 1988). Marc has an idea for a new film, but refuses to tell Anne
what it is about until he finds a producer to finance it (Marc is
very superstitious). Marc is also very worried about making a flop
and ending up directing game shows, telling Anne that some producers
and critics call him "King Of The Spaghetti Thrillers",
which is not a term of endearment (It would be coming from me!). Marc
and Anne drive home, where they talk to Sara (Luisa Maneri; BODY
COUNT - 1986), the live-in nanny who takes care of Marc and
Anna's baby boy, Marc Jr. Sara asks Anne if it is alright if her
cousin William comes over tomorrow because he is a big fan of Marc
and his films and Anne says yes, Marc would like that.
Nora (Caroline Munro; Cozzi's STARCRASH
- 1978), another actress starring in Carl's film, is married to
screenwriter Dan Grudzinski (Maurizio Fardo; RAIDERS
OF ATLANTIS - 1983), who is writing the script for Marc's
new film. While Dan and Nora are having dinner with Marc and Anne,
Marc announces that his new film has found a producer. His name is
Leonard Levin (Brett Halsey; DEMONIA
- 1990), a producer who was big in the 1960's, but since then has
disappeared from the movie scene. Marc and Dan tell the women that
the new film is based on Thomas De Quincey's novel "Suspiria
de Profundis" (de Profundis meaning "From
The Depths"), which deals with Levana, the Third Mother, better
known as The Mother Of Tears (Marc even drops Dario Argento's name in
the conversation). When Nora and Dan leave, Marc tells Anne he wants
her to portray Levana, saying the part was written just for her. I
guess he should have told Dan that, because Nora also wants the part
badly and she tells Dan she will do anything to get it, even if it
means sleeping with Marc! Dan just laughs and doesn't take her
seriously, but he should.
While Anne is rehearsing the role of Levana in front of her living
room mirror, the demon Levana (a pustuled creature with glowing eyes)
crashes through the mirror and tells Anne that she, nor anyone else,
will portray her or tell her story in a film. If they try they are
dead. Levana then disappears (after puking a slimy green substance
and blood all over Anne's body) and when Anne looks at the mirror,
it's no longer broken. So, did this actually happen or is it all in
Anne's fertile imagination? What do you think (It is a horror film,
after all)? Marc doesn't believe Anne when she tells him what just
happened, pointing to the mirror to show her it isn't broken and
telling her she is just stressed, so they go to sleep. Levana's voice
wakes up a sleeping Anne, telling her she no longer needs the mirror
to materialize and threatens her life once again if she continues
acting in the film. This is when the strange shit begins to happen.
Marc and Dan go to visit Leonard Levin at his mansion, where his
assistant, Nadine (Alessandra Acciai; SCHOOL
OF FEAR - 1999) shows them to her boss, whom they discover
is an invalid in a wheelchair. He tells Marc and Dan he is impressed
with the short story treatment they have supplied him, complaining
that other filmmakers and screenwriters submit screenplays that are
hundreds of pages long and don't tell as much as their four page
treatment does. He agrees to finance the film, but he insists on
taking a hands-on approach to making the film, as he considers it to
be his comeback into the world of movies. Marc is taken aback,
thinking a director should be the boss of the film, but he needs
financing so badly, he agrees to Leonard Levin's terms. When Marc and
Dan leave, it is quite apparent that Leonard and Nadine are working
with Levana, but why?
When Anne gets home, she finds a repairman (Antonio Marsina; ROLF
- 1983) fixing her refrigerator (it mysteriously broke in an
"electrical malfunction" in the house the night before) and
he tells her it is all fixed, handing her the bill. She then meets
Sara's young cousin William (actor unknown), who is watching Baby
Marc in his room. When Anne talks to Sara, telling her that she has
just spoken to William, Sara tells her that it couldn't be, William
called her and told her that he couldn't make it. Anne runs to Baby
Marc's room and nobody is there, just the baby, so she goes
downstairs to talk to the repairman, only to discover the
refrigerator is still broken and the bill she was given is now
missing. Is Anne going mad or is Levana playing mind games with her?
Marc hires Esther Semerani (Karina Huff; VOICES
FROM BEYOND - 1991), a professor of mysticism and the
occult, as well as a medium, to act as a consultant on the film, to
give it a sense of realism. She makes Marc aware that Levana is real
and was the most evil witch that ever lived. She can possess anyone
who concentrates on her long enough. She prefers to possess women,
but only if they were born under a certain constellation of stars
(Can you guess where Anne was born? There's also confusing sequences
set in outer space where a "star child' is born, which will
remind you of 2001: A
SPACE ODYSSEY - 1968, but what in the world does it mean?
Really, I want to know!). If she decides to possess a man, Levana
must sacrifice a newborn child to get revenge on those who burned her
at the stake (Confused yet? I am, too!). Unfortunately, Esther
doesn't get a chance to be a consultant on the film, for as she is
walking in the subway, her heart explodes out of her chest!
To make matters more confusing, Anne meets little girl Sybil (Giada
Cozzi, the director's daughter), who she can only talk to on her TV
set! Sybil tells Anne she's a fairy and Anne has also been one all
her life, she just doesn't know how to use her powers. She also tells
Anne that there is very little difference between a fairy and a
witch, which is what Levana is. We then watch Anne putting makeup on
herself to look like Levana and then she stabs Marc, who then stabs
Anne and they both die. It all turns out to be one of Anne's
nightmares, but why is "You Are Not Levana" written in
blood on one of Baby Marc's bedroom walls and why is Baby Marc
missing? Marc believes Anne is responsible for both and storms out of
the house in a huff.
We then discover that Marc has been having an affair with Nora and
offered her the role of Levana in his film. Marc tells Nora he
believes Anne is responsible for Baby Marc's disappearance, but he is
sure she will never harm him. He is worried that her mind won't be
able to accept the news that she is no longer the star of his film,
but Nora insists he tells her. A badly injured Dan, who was
mysteriously attacked in his country home when he was writing the
film's actual screenplay, drives his car into Marc's house and
implies to Anne that Leonard Levin is responsible for all the deaths
and Baby Marc's disappearance, then he dies. Anne drives to Levin's
house and finds him dead, but still able to talk! He tries to get
Anne to commit suicide by shooting herself in the head, but she uses
her powers to turn the gun on Levin and shoot him in the head, which
stops him from talking. Anne then shoots and kills Nadine, who comes
at her with a knife. Before she dies, Nadine tells Anne that Nora has
her baby.
It turns out that Nora and Marc are working with Levana to stop Anne
from using her "special" fairy powers (Huh?). Levana is
seriously disappointed with both of them for failing to stop Anne, so
she kills Marc by blowing up Nora's car as he is waiting for her to
return. Levana hands Nora a straight razor and demands she kills
herself, which Nora does by slitting her own throat. Anne has somehow rescued
Baby Marc and Levana decides to kill Anne on her own. It won't be
easy, especially when Anne discovers how to use her fairy powers,
which she seemingly has the ability to shoot lasers from her
fingertips and bend time and space. Who will win this battle? Expect
lots of cheap optical effects in this battle, where Sara reveals
herself to be the reincarnation of Levana. Just when it seems that
Anne won and the world is back in order now, baby Marc reveals he has
glowing eyes, just like Levana. Jesus Christ, does this mean there's
going to be a sequel? Don't worry, it never happened, but Cozzi is
still with us, so never say never!
One thing I always admired about Luigi Cozzi is that no matter how
low budget and cheap his films are, he manages to imbue them with a
sense of awe, wonder and playfulmess, something this film is
definitely missing. It's not like he doesn't try here and there
(especially in the film-within-the-film, which is lit with neon
colors like Argento's films, but this film's dominate color is a
nauseating neon pea soup green), but he fails miserably. Most of the
film doesn't make a lick of sense, especially Anne's newfound powers
and her spirit guide Sybil, who can only be seen on the TV screen. I
can always forgive a film not making much sense, but this film is
just too boring and slow for me to do that. It is apparent Cozzi is a
big fan of Argento, as he peppers this film with a lot of homages to
the first two Three Mothers films (see how many you can spot).
Cozzi's next film after this one would be the documentary/love letter
to his idol, titled DARIO
ARGENTO: MASTER OF HORROR (1991). Even Michele Soavi made
his own documentary of the Master (just like Cozzi, he worked on many
of Argento's films in some capacity), titled DARIO
ARGENTO'S WORLD OF HORROR (1985). Both those documentaries
are much better than this film. I really don't have much more to say
about this film, other than to ask why Italian horror films of the
'80s depend so much on heavy metal songs to transition from
scene-to-scene, like this one does? My opinion hasn't changed much
about this film when I first saw it in the late-'90s. Cozzi's film
just before this, titled PAGANINI
HORROR (1988), is just as ridiculous, but much more fun. I
wish this film had the verve that one did (look for a review soon).
Filmed as IL
GATTO NERO ("The Black Cat") and also known as DEMONS
6: ARMAGEDON (sp) and DEAD
EYES, it is better known under the review title in the
United States, even though it never had a theatrical or home video
release in any physical format in the States. A nice anamorphic
widescreen print, dubbed in English, can be found streaming on
YouTube from user "Horror Realm" (under the review title).
Also featuring Jasmine Maimone (DEMONS
- 1985) and Michele Marsina. Not Rated, due to infrequent
bloody gore. There is no nudity to speak of.
DEMON
SLAYER (2002) - Standard
latter-day New Concorde horror flick about five juvenile delinquents
who are sent to rennovate an abandoned mental hospital on a special
work release program. If they stay there for three days and do their
jobs adequately, they will get probation for their crimes. They are
the typical cliche group of horror movie teens: The Goth Chick; The
Punk; The Brotha; The Bitch; and The
Bitch's Friend. Alicia (Michelle Acuna), the Goth chick, begins
having visions of people in robes performing some type of satanic
ritual. As the five teens bicker amongst themselves, there seems to
be something roaming the vacant halls (displayed as distorted POV
shots) and the adult supervisors, including tough cripple Mr. Cobb
(Layon Gray) and Father Patricio (Robert Eaton) pay them no mind,
although it's clear that two of them, Patricio and the mysterious
Father Enrique (Joaquin Garrido), know more than they are saying.
Alicia finds a photo book and a diary that both chart the history of
the hospital and it's not pleasant because anyone who have lived in
this area (including when it was a bordello) have died horribly. It's
not long before a supernatural force begins possessing and killing
the teens and the supervisors while Alicia tries to find out how she
is involved with the history of this place. A standard
"surprise" ending follows. Routine in every aspect, DEMON
SLAYER panders to the lowest common denominator when it
comes to the exploitation aspects. The frequent nudity is here to get
your mind off the fact that nothing happens for the first hour,
besides a brief bloody killing in the first five minutes. The
dialogue consists of lines such as "Fuck you!", "What
the hell is going on here?", "Fuck you, bitch!",
"Ain't this some shit!", "Up yours!" and a couple
of more variants of the word "fuck". Phillip (Adam Huss),
the punk, is fond of spouting lines from other films, including THE
EXORCIST (1973) and "The Wolfman's got nards!"
line from THE MONSTER SQUAD
(1987). Why he does it only writer /director James Cotten (a recent
grad of the Los Angeles Film School) can answer. My best guess is
that he had watched SCREAM
(1997) one too many times. The violence in this film, when it finally
does appear, is bloody but unconvincing. Arms and legs are cut off
with an axe, someone's spine is ripped out, a giant CGI spider crawls
out of another's mouth, various body part munching from some hooker
zombies and a screwdriver to the forehead. The film is full of that
foggy neon lighting and solarized flashback footage that recent
horror films are so fond of using. Although played broadly enough to
be considered a comedy, most of the lines fall flat although I did
chuckle when asked by Phillip what is rolling down the hall, Father
Enrique answers, "It's a baby carriage from Hell!" It's an
OK time-waster that pops-up every now and then on the Sci-Fi Network
in edited form (without the nudity and extreme violence, it must be a
big snooze), so if you must watch this, rent the DVD. SEE
NO EVIL (2006), the film starring WWE wrestler Kane, used a
similar storyline four years later. Also starring Harold Williams Jr.
(the Brotha), Hannah Lee (the Bitch) and Monique DeVille (the Bitch's
Friend). A New Concorde Release. Rated R.
DEMONWARP
(1988) - Forget trying to make sense of the title and just enjoy
this off-the-wall horror outing. One hundred years ago a spaceship
crash landed in the woods. A traveling preacher sees the craft and
disappears. Cut to the present
and proud father George Kennedy (yes, that George Kennedy!) sees his
daughter killed and taken away by a bigfoot creature. A bunch of
teenagers rent the same cabin where the bigfoot attack took place and
soon they are also attacked by the bigfoot, the majority of them
being killed and taken away. The rest of them team up with George
Kennedy, who has set up camp nearby in hopes of killing the bigfoot
in retribution for the death of his daughter. But all is not what it
seems. It turns out that the alien whose spacecraft crash landed one
hundred years ago is still alive and is turning all the humans into
zombie slaves so they can fix his ship. The preacher from the
beginning is still alive and has not aged. He performs sacrifices on
some humans, cutting out their hearts and feeding them to the alien.
The alien also has the power to turn any human into a bigfoot,
thereby providing him with a way to kidnap and kill campers
(including an almost always nude Michelle Bauer) and keep his supply
of zombie workers. Nearly everyone dies and the film ends on is it or
is it not a dream finale. There's a lot to like here: Plenty of
nudity, a great bigfoot costume (by John Carl Buechler, who also
wrote the story the screenplay is based on), lots of gore including
heads and various body parts being ripped off and a really
one-of-a-kind storyline that makes you want to stayed glued to the
tube, so you don't miss anything. I had to watch it twice just to get
some of the little nuances in the story, such as why the bigfoot
didn't kill the main teenager Jack (David Michael O'Neill) when he
had the chance in the cabin. This is by far director Emmett Alston's
best film, having made NEW
YEAR'S EVIL (1980) and a bunch of forgettable ninja films in
the 80's. He also wrote the screenplay for the creepy
terror-in-the-woods film HUNTER'S
BLOOD (1987). This film is a must for any discriminating
horror fan and may be the most unusual film of the late 80's. Also
starring Pamela Gilbert (also nude a lot), Billy Jacoby (a killer
Jack Nicholson imitation), Colleen McDermott, Hank Stratton and John
Durban as the preacher. A Vidmark
Entertainment Home Video Release. Not
Rated for
all the right reasons.
DEMON
WARRIOR (1987) - Good, old Texas.
Home of George Bush (Sr. & Jr.), a legal system quick to put you
to death if you spit on the sidewalk (or if you are retarded), gun
racks on prepubescents' tricycles and an oil well in everyone's
backyard. Of course, not everything about Texas is a cheap joke.
Texas was (and still is) a hotbed of low-budget genre filmmaking.
Directors such as Larry Buchanan (ZONTAR:
THE THING FROM VENUS - 1966; CURSE
OF THE SWAMP CREATURE - 1966; IN
THE YEAR 2889 - 1967; IT'S ALIVE!
- 1969) and S.F. Brownrigg (DON'T
LOOK IN
THE BASEMENT
- 1973; KEEP MY GRAVE OPEN
- 1973; POOR WHITE TRASH
PART II
- 1974; DON'T OPEN THE DOOR
- 1975) are probably the best-known low-budget Texas auteurs. There
have also been many Texas-lensed "one-shot wonders",
including MANOS:
THE HANDS OF FATE (1966), NIGHT
FRIGHT (1967), ENTER
THE DEVIL (1974), FUTURE KILL
(1984), NAIL GUN MASSACRE
(1985), R.O.T.O.R. (1987) and FOREVER
EVIL (1987), not to mention the most famous Texas feature of
them all, THE TEXAS
CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974). Which brings us to this film. From
the opening shot, where the camera lovingly pans over a variety of
firearms and ammo, to the actors' accents, where everyone calls each
other "son" or "mam", you know you are about to
witness something strictly Texan. Unfortunately,
director/producer/co-scripter Frank Patterson forgot the cardinal
rule of horror filmmaking: Cut to the chase and get to the good
stuff. Neil Willard (Wiley M. Pickett) and girlfriend Sarah (Leslie
Mullin) bring some friends to Neal's family property (who the locals
refer to as "The Old Willard Place") for a weekend hunting
trip (This is Texas after all. What else would they do on their
weekends?). There have been many unexplained deadly
"accidents" on the property in the past, but since Neal is
not a superstitious man, he decides to ignore all the warnings and
put his friends' lives in jeopardy. It seems the Willard propery use
to belong to the local Indians and Neal's ancestors forced them off
the land, which made an Indian shaman put a curse on the property. A
"Demon Warrior" (Lee Barret) inhabits the property, killing
anyone who steps foot on it (Don't try to rationalize it or you'll go
crazy). It's not long before the Demon starts killing Neal's friends
using various Indian methods (death by stone sacrificial knife, arrow
and tomahawk). The sudden appearance of a friendly Indian (Jon
Langione) proves beneficial to Neal and Sarah, the only two people in
the hunting party still left alive. He explains to the duo that the
legend of the land is true and only he can lift the curse. As he
performs an ancient ritual his grandfather taught him, the Indian is
shot in the chest with an arrow by the Demon. Neal grabs the Indian's
bow and shoots an arrow at the Demon, who grabs the arrow in mid-air
and disappears in a bolt of lightning. The dying Indian informs Neal
and Sarah that the curse is now lifted. Umm......what?!? More
silly than scary, DEMON WARRIOR is a lethargically-paced
horror film that takes forever to get to the first killing and when
it does, the camera pulls away before we see anything. Director Frank
Patterson (BLACK SNOW -
1989), who co-wrote the script with Mark Baird and Alan Stewart (who
directed the Texas-lensed horror western GHOST
RIDERS [1987], on which Frank Patterson was Associate
Producer and Music Composer), tries to inject some drama into the
tired plot by having Sarah and Neal's best friend Brent (Jerry R.
Coiteux) express their love for each other behind Neal's back, but
when Brent is killed by the Demon (an arrow in his chest), Neal later
tells Sarah while they are sitting around a campfire that he knew
about her infidelity, but he wanted to see how it "played
out" before he confronted her. I guess the advantage goes to
Neal! To further stretch the boundaries of believability, the Indian
that arrives to save Neal and Sarah tells them that he is actually a
wealthy investment banker! The Demon is basically nothing but
bodybuilder Lee Barret dressed in a tiny buckskin loincloth with some
horribly lame-assed makeup applied to his face. It is one of the
worse monsters that I have ever seen and it sometimes reminded me of
the turkey monster in BLOOD FREAK
(1972). There's also minimal gore (just a couple of arrow impalements
and a tomahawk to the head), one of the limpest finales in horror
film history (Really, I can't remember when another film left me
saying, "Is that it?") and only one instance of nudity (in
the beginning of the film, no less!). The acting is amateurish (try
not to laugh when Jerry R. Coiteux is shot with an arrow and says to
his friend, "Hassmiler, help me!" in one of the weakest
cries for help my ears have ever heard) and the only halfway decent
thing about this film is a pretty good car crash/explosion. Faint
praise for a totally lackluster regional horror flick. Which just
proves that not everything that comes out of Texas is big. Also
starring John Garrett, Bruce Carbonara, Vonda Borski, Martin Smith
and Robert Lee Seglar. A Monarch Home Video Release that's thankfully
not available on DVD. Not Rated.
THE
DENTIST (1996) -
Funny and gory horror film that has a great over-the-top performance
by Corbin Bernsen (TV's PSYCH).
He plays a high-price dentist (all his office rooms have themes,
such as the jungle, opera house, etc) who goes mad
when he catches his wife screwing the pool man. He imagines that all
his female patients are his wife and punishes them graphically with
his dentistry tools. Bernsen must also deal with a greedy IRS agent
(Earl Boen) and a cop (Ken Foree) who is investigating a string of
burglaries in his upperclass neighborhood. This film works because it
preys on everyones fear of going to the dentist. Filled with
gory close-ups of oral mutilations (teeth unnecessarily being pulled,
overdrilling a tooth down to the gum line) and the sounds that go
with it, this film would be very hard to watch if it werent for
the frequent black humor, the excellent off-kilter cinematography and
Bernsens performance of a mans descent into madness.
Ive seen Bernsen turn in some telegraphed performances in some
of his B-films (see KOUNTERFEIT
[1997] as an example), but here he seems to be enjoying himself and
it shows. Director Brian Yuzna (SOCIETY
- 1989) does an unusually good job of displaying patients
anxieties and fears as they sit in the waiting room ignorant of the
fact that those anxieties and fears will soon come true. Stuart
Gordon receives co-story credit, which explains the frequent touches
of black humor. This film makes it very difficult to take your eyes
off the screen, even if you find yourself wanting to (and you will).
Also starring Linda Hoffman and Michael Stadvec. Yuzna directed a
sequel, THE
DENTIST 2
in 1998, but it is no where near as good as the original. It plays
like a bastardization of THE
STEPFATHER
(1987). Both DENTIST
1 & 2
made their premiere on HBO and are available on VHS and DVD from Vidmark
Entertainment. Rated
R.
THE
DESCENT (2005) - For those of you
that really despised THE CAVE
(2005), try this horror film as an alternative, a really jolting
sophomore effort by director Neil Marshall, who made the excellent
werewolf film DOG SOLDIERS
(2002). A group of women get together every year on vacation to do
some extreme sport. Last year they went white water rafting and one
of the women, Sarah (Shauna Macdonald) loses her husband and daughter
on the trip home in a truly shocking accident (one of the best
"jump-scares" of 2005). The next year, the women get
together in the Appalachian
Mountains (actually filmed in Scotland and on film stages in
Pinewood Studios, England) to explore some newly discovered cave.
Sarah is still not over her loss but decides to go on the trip to get
her mind off of it. What they discover down there will leave you
gasping for breath, as Sarah and her mates must fight off some
human-like blind creatures (their origin is never explained, but they
may have been the decendants of some lost explorers who were in the
cave 100 years earlier, known as "crawlers" in the end
credits), a cave-in, as well as some infighting among themselves.
Only we, the viewers, know that Sarah is experiencing flashbacks and
hallucinations of her daughter's birthday (we see her blowing out the
candles on her cake as a symbolic gesture of giving up), but the real
menace (beside the creatures taste for human flesh) is expedition
leader Juno (Natalie Mendoza), who is harboring some secrets of her
own and commits one of the worst bits of violence in this film. It
all ends on a final note of desperation, the only logical conclusion
for the film. Now the bad news: Lions
Gate is releasing the film to theaters in the US devoid of the
downbeat ending (they plan on including it as an extra when they
release it on DVD). I can think of no better time to buy a
multi-region DVD player than now. I'm tired of film companies like
Lions Gate and Dimension Films
giving us watered-down tripe so American audiences can walk out of
the movie happy. I don't know about you, but I don't mind using my
brain while watching films. Back to the movie: Marshall directs with
a sure hand with an all-female cast and builds atmosphere by using
only available light, greatly enhancing the tension and making you
jump at certain sections of the film. The creatures are amazing and
move quickly, but the women hold their own against them until they
are separated. Soon, scenes of gut-munching (gory, but shot in a way
not to give away too much), crossing crevasses to escape the terror
and unexpected bits of violence by the women soon follow. Marshall is
to be congratulated for making a film about women with grit and
character, which makes their deaths all the more shocking. Well done
and must viewing for any horror fan. Also starring Alex Reid, Saskia
Mulder, MyAnna Buring, Nora-Jane Noone and Molly Kayll. Skip the
Lions Gate DVD and get the English DVD from Pathe Distribution, Ltd.
(available from amazon.co.uk). Rated
R. NOTE: Shauna Macdonald returned in 2009 (I quess the downbeat
ending in the original was just a dream) with a DTV sequel called
(what else?) THE DESCENT PART 2,
which is merely a shadow of the original that takes place right
after the ending of the first film. All it is is an unoriginal
monster movie with lots of nasty bits of gore thrown in (and the
usual shock "surprise" ending that taints most horror films
today). You can tell almost immediately that Neil Marshall had
nothing to do with it. And neither should you. Watching it ruins the
effect you had viewing the first film.
DETOUR
(2003) - Not bad little independent horror film which owes a lot
to THE HILLS HAVE EYES
(1977) and the then recently-opened theatrical release WRONG
TURN (2003). A bunch of teenagers, returning from a rave in
the desert, make a detour to try to
find a lost stash of peyote (!?). Their RV breaks down (of course)
and they are left stranded in the desert. Unfortunately, there's also
a bunch of cannibals on the loose and begin to pick-off the teens. An
obnoxious, ghetto-talking white boy named Loopz (Aaron Buer), becomes
one of the unlikely heroes, helping the two remaining girls kill-off
the cannibalistic clan, whose flesh-hunger seems to be caused by some
unknown chemicals that are leaking by a nearby mineshaft. Initially
slow-going, the film picks up in the second half dramatically as
people are run over, dismembered, disemboweled, impaled, shot and
generally chopped-up. Buer gives a grating performance in the
beginning and you think that he will be one of the early victims.
Director/screenwriter S. Lee Taylor (THE SURGE
- 2002) surprises us by making him one of the main characters who
saves the day, as he transforms from a jive-talking jerk into someone
who begins to see that becoming a hero is not a simple job. The other
young actors, including Ashley Elizabeth, Brent Taylor (who bears a
striking resemblance to Leonardo DiCaprio), Danna Brady, Kelsey
Wedeen and Jessica Osfar do a good job for such a low budget flick.
The girls are especially pretty and look good in the skimpy clothes
that they wear. There's also plenty of humor, as when Taylor goes off
on his own and spots a sign that reads: "Trespassers Will Be
Eaten". Director of Photography Cort Fey (COLD
CASE TV Series [2003 - 2010]) does a nice job in
establishing tension and mood in the desert settings. Featuring
plenty of blood and body parts, DETOUR (originally
known as HELL'S HIGHWAY) is a good bet for non-discriminating
horror fans. An MTI Video
Release. Rated R.
DEVIL
FISH (1984) - This
unredeemable Italian/French co-production is a laughably bad rip-off
of JAWS
(1975). Something
resembling a squid with a shark's head is biting off the arms and
legs of unsuspecting fishermen and pleasure boaters in the waters off
a coastal Florida town. An oceanographer (John Garko), dolphin expert
(Valentine Monnier) and electronics genius (Michael Sopkiw) try to
capture the creature so they can identify it. They are constantly
thwarted by employees at a research laboratory who have genetically
produced this monster in hopes of controlling the world's oceans.
When it is discovered that this tentacled terror is able to reproduce
by itself, our heroes must find a way to destroy it before it
dominates and destroys the marine population. Who will live and who
will die? Who gives a shit? This slow moving catastrophe contains the
phoniest looking monster you are ever likely to see. It makes the
creatures in THE
HORROR OF PARTY BEACH
(1964) look absolutely polished. It does have some nudity and gore,
but not enough to keep your eyes on the screen rather than the clock.
Director "John Old Jr." is really Lamberto Bava, who also
made the vastly superior FROZEN
TERROR
(1980: a.k.a. MACABRE)
and DEMONS
(1985), DEMONS
2
(1986) & DEMONS III: THE OGRE
(1988). One gets the feeling that Bava is only slumming here.
Top-billed Sopkiw and Monnier can both be seen in Sergio Martino's AFTER
THE FALL OF NEW YORK
(1983). DEVIL
FISH
is also known as MONSTER
SHARK,
RED OCEAN
and DEVOURING
WAVES.
It stinks under any title. A Vidmark
Entertainment Release. Also available on Blu-Ray from Code Red
and streaming on
Amazon Prime. Not
Rated.
THE
DEVIL'S CHAIR (2006) - Nick
West (Andrew Howard) and his girlfriend Sammy (Polly Brown) drop some
acid after breaking into the abandoned Blackwater Asylum and decide
to have sex on an old chair made out of wood and metal that was
previously used for shock treatments (If this isn't a reason not to
do drugs, kids, than nothing is because this chair comes complete
with a human skull that someone has jammed between two metal rods on
the chair's back. Not the best place to "get it on", if you
ask me!). Serious problems happen when Sammy sits on the chair, as
the metal restraining devices clamp down on her hands and neck and
she begins to bleed profusely out of every orifice in her body. When
the chair lets her go, the blood-soaked Sammy runs out of the room
and disappears, leaving a tripped-out Nick unsure about what he has
just witnessed. When Sammy's body is never found, Nick is declared
criminally insane and committed to a psychiatric
institution because no one will believe his story. Four years later,
Nick is now convinced he killed Sammy (thanks to all the psychotropic
drugs pumped into his body), but Dr. Willard (David Gant) wants to
discover the truth about what really happened to Sammy, so he has
Nick released from the hospital under his care. Dr. Willard plans to
write a book about the subject, so he brings Nick back to Blackwater
Asylum, along with psychology students Rachel (Elize Du Toit), Brett
(Matt Berry) and Dr. Willard's assistant, Melissa (Louise Griffiths).
Nick is not too keen on the idea, but since he really has no choice
in the matter, he reluctantly agrees and, once they all set foot in
Blackwater Asylum, it is plain to see that Nick has a good reason to
feel uneasy. Not only is it apparent that some deadly supernatural
force possesses the chair, but Nick has to put up with the sarcastic
bullying remarks of Brett (who is an asshole of the first degree),
the untrusting attitude of Melissa (who believes that Nick is a
murderer) and Dr. Willard's ulterior motives (which have to do with
the experiments run by the asylum's namesake, Dr. Blackwater, before
he went mad and disappeared in 1963). Only Rachel seems sympathetic
towards Nick, but he is going to need more than sympathy if he (or
anyone else) is going to survive their stay at the asylum. By the
time we get to the film's convoluted finale (which makes absolutely
no sense if you bother to think about it deeply enough), Nick will
face his demons, both imagined and real, while everyone else dies
nasty, violent deaths. This English horror film, directed by
Adam Mason (THE 13TH SIGN -
2000) and co-written by Mason and Simon Boyes (who both co-directed
the much better BROKEN the same
year as this film), suffers greatly because Mason tips the hands of
everyone's fates at the beginning of the film. The framing device of
Nick narrating the entire film (where he utters the word
"cunt" much too often) and showing all the major characters
meeting their fates in the opening minutes of the film (even showing
the demon, who doesn't come into play until the final third of the
film), leaves very little room for surprises, no matter if Nick is
insane or not. The decision to give the entire film a bleached-out
look (an effect of draining the footage of normal fleshtones and
natural colors that is over-used in horror films today and really
serves no purpose here) wins no favor with me, either. The only
plusses this film has to offer are some gory makeup effects (the
mechanics of the chair are very effective, if absurd) and David
Gant's over-the-top performance as Dr. Willard, which reminded me of
the late Ferdy Mayne (THE
FEARLESS VAMPIRE KILLERS - 1967; THE
HORROR STAR - 1981). Nick's narration is much too juvenile
for the film's own good and, at one point, his narration reveals an
utter contempt for the type of audience who would watch this film in
the first place. The reveal of Nick's true mental state is not much
of a surprise and Andrew Howard (who looks and acts like Jason
Statham's hyperactive third cousin) does nothing to make the
character the least bit interesting. It's nothing but a cardboard
cut-out of a psychotic living in a world of his own making. Also
starring Olivia Hill, Nadja Brand (also one of the Producers) and
Gary Mackay. A Sony Pictures
Home Entertainment DVD Release. Unrated.
THE
DEVIL'S WEDDING NIGHT (1973) - An
archaeologist, travels to Castle Dracula in Transylvania in search
of the Niebulungen Ring, which gives the wearer untold powers as long
as they denounce love. At the castle he meets the Countess and proceeds
to make love to her. He discovers the ring on her finger and she
turns into a bat. He ends up buried alive in a crypt. His twin
brother comes to the castle looking for him. He becomes suspicious
when the Countess tells him that his brother has left the castle. He
rescues his brother from the crypt not knowing that he is too late.
His brother has become a vampire. Meanwhile, the Countess uses the
ring to lure all the town's virgins (apparently there were plenty of
them in the 19th century) to her castle to prepare for a black mass
wedding. She plans to marry the archaeologist, who is possessed by
the spirit of Count Dracula.. The twin brothers fight. Who will
survive? Mark Damon (BLACK
SABBATH
- 1963, CRYPT
OF THE LIVING DEAD
- 1973) essays the roles of the twin brothers and buxom "Sara
Bay" (a.k.a. Rosalba Neri; LADY
FRANKENSTEIN
- 1971) is the Countess in this fairly routine Italian period piece
spiced up somewhat by arty camera angles and flashy editing
(cinematography by Aristide Massaccesi, better known as "Joe
D'Amato"). There is plenty of nudity but it was severely edited
for U.S. release. Director Luigi Batzella (listed here under the
pseudonym "Paul Solvay") also made BLACKMAIL
(1974) NUDE
FOR SATAN
(1974), ACHTUNG!
THE DESERT TIGERS (1977), SS
HELL CAMP
(1977 - as "Ivan Kathansky") and many others. Screenwriter
Ralph Zucker, who produced the excellent TERROR
CREATURES FROM THE GRAVE
(1965), also executive produced and supervised the English language
version of THE DEVIL'S WEDDING NIGHT
(also known as FULL
MOON OF THE VIRGINS). One note of warning: The print quality
of the VCI transfer is very scratchy and is distracting to the eyes.
A VCI Home Video
Release. Available on Blu-Ray
from Code Red and the print
is spotless.. Rated
R.
DEVIL
TIMES FIVE (1974) - This
often overlooked 70's sickie really deserves a place on every horror
fans' mantle. Thanks to Code Red, this film is now available on DVD
for everyone to enjoy. The story is rather simple: A group of
psychotic kids, who escape after their van slides in the snow and
rolls down the side of a mountain, invade the deep-in-the-woods
winter home of iron-fisted patriarch Papa Doc (Gene Evans) and
proceed to kill the residents. Papa Doc's group are a veritable
smorgasborde of stereotypes: Family suck-up Harvey (the DUKES
OF HAZZARD's [1979 - 1985] "Boss Hogg", Sorrell
Booke) and his alcoholic
wife Ruth (Shelley Morrison), nymphomaniac Lovely (Carolyn Steller),
good-girl daughter Julie (Joan McCall) and her good-guy boyfriend
Rick (Taylor Lachler), and mentally retarded (and abused) servant
Ralph (John Durren). When the kids first enter the home, they are
treated as poor helpless tots, but it soon becomes clear that they
are way more dangerous than meets the eye. David (Leif Garrett,
already an established child star [and future rock star and
flameout]) likes to play chess and is a closet transvestite. Hannah
(Gail Smale) likes to dress as a nun but is not above using a butcher
knife. Moe (Dawn Lyn) likes to play with her doll but likes playing
with dead bodies more. Susan (Tia Thompson) likes to play with a
lighter and Briann (Tierre Turner) likes to carry a toy rifle and
thinks he's in the military. When Ralph is found dead (hanged by a
boobytrapped generator) as well as the phone disconnected, the family
become suspicious of the kids, and rightly so. Papa Doc's collection
of rifles end up missing as does all of the sharp-edged silverware
(Rick wryly says to Papa Doc: "I hope you can butter your toast
with a spoon."). Soon they all end up dead thanks to piranhas in
the bathtub (!), an ingenious use of a scythe, being soaked with
gasoline and set afire, a child-made spear and bear traps capped-off
by a throat slashing. The most unusual death comes in the beginning
when one of the surviving doctors in the accident tries to warn the
people in the house, only to be attacked by the kids with garden and
construction tools. The scene turns to black-and-white and
slow-motion as the kids stab and whack the doctor with a pitchfork, a
sledgehammer, a claw hammer and other instruments until he slowly
dies. I was also taken aback that the kids would first target Ralph,
the person who would probably cause the least resistance due to his
mental state. These kids mean business! Director Sean MacGregor (NIGHTMARE
COUNTY - 1971; GENTLE
SAVAGE - 1973) infuses enough perverse situations (Garrett
in drag; the intense piranha kill sequence) and, surprisingly, no
female nudity (but there is a instance of male nudity) to hold your
attention throughout, even if the screenplay (by co-star John Durren
and Sandra Lee Blowitz) has enough holes to pass a train through.
But, all things considered, this is a great example of 70's sleaze
that could never get made today. DEVIL
TIMES FIVE is also known as PEOPLETOYS (which makes
sense if you've seen it) and THE
HORRIBLE HOUSE ON THE HILL. Also available on VHS from Media
Home Entertainment in the SP speed and Video
Treasures in the EP speed and as part of Mill Creek's 50-movie
DVD compilation CHILLING CLASSICS
(which looks like a dupe of Media's VHS). Stick with the DVD from Code
Red (if you can find it). It's widescreen and looks beautiful. Rated
R.
DEVOURED:
THE LEGEND
OF ALFERD PACKER (2005) - Everyone
knows (or should know) the story of Alferd Packer (born Alfred G.
"Alferd" Packer in 1842), the first U.S. citizen to be
successfully prosecuted for cannibalism when he and a group of
frontiersman and women got caught in a heavy snowstorm at Donner's
Pass on 1874 and they didn't have enough food to survive, so when
members of the party began to die of frostbite and hunger, Packer
began to eat them. When he ran out of corpses, he murdered some
members of the party and ate them (I hear it tastes like chicken). He
did survive, but hid for nine years to avoid the law and was
eventually caught, where he was given the death sentence. He
eventually won a retrial and was convicted of manslaughter, where he
was sentenced to 40 years. he was paroled in 1901 and passed away in
1907, where he stipulated in his will that he be eaten (OK, I made up
that last part). What I didn't make up is that many people said he
became a vegetarian before he died. No matter what is written about
Alferd Packer, only he knew the truth and was a true enigma.
Scientists have dug up the bodies of his supposed victims and the
results have always been inconclusive, but that didn't stop
filmmakers from making historical and horror films about his life,
some truer than others (This one being reviewed is one of the most
outlandish). There was the 1978 TV Movie DONNER
PASS: THE ROAD TO SURVIVAL (where the subject of cannibalism
was merely implied), the PG-Rated THE
LEGEND OF ALFRED PACKER (1980), where more of the
cannibalism was talked about, but not shown, THE
DONNER PARTY (2009), which is about as historically correct
as records will allow (and cannibalism is shown) and DONNER
PASS (2011), which is
nothing but a modern bloody slasher film. If you like you cannibalism
shown in a bloody comical light, there is always Trey Parker and Matt
Stone's not-so-biographical Alferd Packer CANNIBAL!
THE MUSICAL (1993), which I would advise everyone to see at
least once. In the film that is being reviewed, it is implied that
Packer's cannibalism has made him immortal, as long as he keeps
eating human flesh. It is also the worst film on the subject. Hell,
it is just a bad film. After an absolutely untrue History class on
Packer (where the Professor states that he was never known as
"Alferd", making collective historians shake their heads in
shame). teaching assistant Aaron (AarinTeich) takes (or rather,
makes) a group of college students take a trip to Miller's Pass,
California to search for the remains of Packer, who supposedly killed
Aaron great-grandfather. Little do they know that Packer is still
alive, he has some followers and he swings a pretty mean pickaxe.
College student Holly (Hollis Evermon; who bugs her eyes out until
they nearly pop out of their sockets) hears a girl (Eileen Papa)
screaming in a hole in the ground and she tries to pull her out, but
the entire area is full of underground tunnels (this use to be gold
mine territory) and Packer (Jeff Muzi) kills the girl while blood
squirts all over Holly's face. We then see Packer's mummy-like hand
burst out of the ground and Holly scream. Aaron and his group run
into a creepy guy (Brian Spellman) with explosives when they are
looking for Holly and Mr. Creepy tells the city slickers that they
better head for civilization before they become chow. Aaron is a
weird man, who makes his students stop and form a circle with their
feet touching, because he feels the presence of Packer. We then
experience a freak-out scene full of solarized shots, dead rotting
miners, and strange double exposures (none of it makes any sense).
Tara (Q. Taylor Park) is the first one to wake up, but she can't get
anyone else to, so she does the only natural thing that a rational
person can do: she heads out into uncharted territory looking for
Holly by herself (did she think that none of the other students or
Aaron would wake up?). She finds an entrance to a cave and naturally
enters it looking for Holly. Meanwhile, the rest of the students and
Aaron wake up, so Laura (Mia Lynne) leads the rest on a search party
for Tara (who is looking for Holly, who is looking for...). Laura
finds the same entrance to the cave that Tara did and they go inside,
except for chicken student Curtis (Patrick Todd), who remains
outside. We see plenty of P.O.V. shots of an ugly old miner (probably
Packer) running through the mine's tunnels and killing Tara with an
axe, followed by punching his fist through her chest. Curtis
eventually enters the mine and arrives just in time to see Packer
chowing-down on Tara's body. Laura locates Packer's living area
inside the mine, which contains plenty of strange objects, including
hanging bloody burlap bags full of human body parts and a large chest
full of chunks of gold. Aaron finally finds the entrance to the mine
and goes looking for everyone (I use to find pieces of teacher's
assistants in my stool during my college days, because they were
usually behind the students when it came to keeping up with the class
and Aaron just proves me right). Curtis sees a rat next to a
dismembered human finger and he is killed in a giant mouse trap, when
he steps on the triggering device and is impaled on the spikes that
spring down on him (All of these students seem a little light in the
head). Packer has Laura gagged and chained with her arms
outstretched, while he stands behind her and looks to be doing
something very painful to her. Aaron hears Laura's screams, but
Packer knocks him out with an axe handle. He wakes up on a locked
room with Tara (but how is that possible?), while we watch Packer
boil some flesh off of human bones. Aaron and Tara (Wasn't she just
seen killed a few minutes ago?) walk through a gauntlet of human
bodies and body parts and then see a young naked couple making love
(WTF?!?) in a mine tunnel. Aaron and Tara see it and just walk away
without giving the couple a warning. Seems there are a whole pack of
dishelveled old followers of Packer and they go after the couple
making love. After the girl is killed, the guy is chased through a
tunnel and is run over by a huge round boulder (Hmm... I wonder where
they got that idea?). We watch Packer pickaxe a young girl to death
and then eat her foot. It seems the mine is some type of
out-of-the-way tourist attraction that keeps Packer alive by
supplying him with human bodies to eat, but some of these
"tourists" are cannibals, too! Tara escapes the room that
she, Aaron and the cannibal couple are in (no, none of this makes any
sense!), while Packer kills a cannibal girl with a pickaxe. Tara is
captured once again (After coming back to life. I mean, there's
suspension of belief and then there's just plain stupidity.) and is
about to be incinerated by being tied to a railway car heading for a
tunnel of fire, but Aaron saves her ass (but not before thinking
whether he could get away with a few bags of gold instead). Packer
does such things as bang a drum and a gong and ring a large bell to
alert all the other cannibals that there are intruders. As Aaron and
Tara light a fuse to some dynamite, Aaron hears Holly's voice, but
she is quite mad and almost kills the couple before they break free
and the tunnels explode. Aaron and Tara get a lift on the back of a
pickup truck (Why, did Aaron's SUV explode?) back to Los Angeles. The
last shot shows Packer and his pickaxe looking at the city from a
nearby mountain. It looks like Packer will have more than his share
of human food. This film is maddening to the extreme. Not only
does director/co-producer/co-writer Kevin Rapp (REFLEX
ACTION - 2002) get every single fact about Packer wrong, the
continuity and supposed deaths are a complete mess. As a matter of
fact, this film didn't have to be about Packer at all, but any
cannibal (films are full of many of them, including Wes Craven's THE
HILLS HAVE EYES [1977] and the WRONG
TURN franchise [2003 - 2014]), so why make a film about
Alferd Packer and fill it with outright lies? 80% of the film is
nothing but shots of people running up and down the mine tunnels and,
besides a few good makeup and gore effects, the film is boring as
hell. The editing is worse than poor and full of inconsistencies (but
in the editor's [co-writer/co-producer Mark Workman] defense, Rapp
probably didn't give him enough to work with to make a coherent
film). Considering that Kevin Rapp hasn't directed a film since this
one seems to back up my claims. Do yourself a favor and just say no
to this film. Eat your own arm instead. Also starring Evelyn Brewton,
Fred Kerpsie, Cynthia Margol, Jeff Salsworth, Rita Branch, Tim
Scanlon and Erica Rapp. A Troma Team Video
DVD Release (which is fullscreen). Not Rated.
DIARY
OF THE DEAD (2007) - This
is director/screenwriter George A. Romero's fifth DEAD film
(it follows LAND OF THE DEAD
- 2005 and precedes SURVIVAL
OF THE DEAD - 2009), but it doesn't follow the timeline of
the previous four films. Instead, it reboots the story and starts
from scratch, telling the tale of the living dead infecting the Earth
through the lenses of cameras being used by film school student Jason
Creed (Joshua Close) and his crew, who are making a low-budget mummy
horror film on digital video when the real zombie outbreak begins.
Pretty soon, Jason and his crew, including girlfriend Debra (Michelle
Morgan), begin documenting the ensuing madness as they try to escape
to safety in their RV. When their friend Mary (Tatiana Maslany) tries
to commit suicide by shooting herself in the head, they drive her to
the nearest hospital, only to find that it is overrun with zombies.
As their numbers begin to dwindle, Jason, Debra and the remaining
crew get back in the RV and have several close calls, first with a
deaf Amish man (who supplies the only bit of humor in the entire
film), then with a group of African American survivalists in the
forest (Their leader tells the crew, "For the first time, we've
got the power!"), then an unpleasant trip to Debra's family home
(where Mom is chowing-down on Pop and
her little brother attacks Debra before getting an arrow in the head)
and, finally, a run-in with some nasty National Guardsmen. The crew
finally settle-in at the isolated mansion of actor Ridley's (Phillip
Riccio) rich parents. The mansion has security cameras in every room
and Debra notices that Ridley is acting weird (Was the first clue
that he's still in his mummy costume?). It turns out he's been bitten
and turns into a zombie, shuffling around the mansion in his mummy
costume, biting Jason and forcing Debra to finish Jason's film on her
own and warn the world that in order for us to defeat the zombies, we
first must learn to treat each other as "human" beings and
not as disposable "product". Debra concludes the film by
asking, "Are we worth saving? You tell me." as we watch
footage of two hunters shooting tied-up zombies for kicks. This
is a low-budget, but highly effective horror film that, thankfully,
doesn't induce the same "shakey-cam" queasiness or
headache-inducing effect as THE
BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999) or CLOVERFIELD
(2007) did, even if it uses the same "found footage"
premise as those films. George Romero is much more crafty here, using
a mixture of handheld cameras, including regular retail video
cameras, professional digital video cameras and even camera phones,
with fixed cameras, such as the mansion's security cameras, and even
YouTube, to tell his tale. First and foremost, this is a horror film,
but it is also a parable about modern society's need to catch
everything on camera, as if to say, "If it's not documented on
video, it can't be very important." We are a culture of video on
demand (thanks to the internet) and our constant desire to view
everything immediately or when it suits us comes with dire
consequences. The character of Jason Creed represents that need. As
his friends and colleagues fall victim to the zombie horde, not once
does he put the camera down and offer help. Instead, he rolls tape,
callously catching footage of his friends dying or shooting zombified
friends in the head. He becomes an extension of the camera, as he
inoculates himself from all human emotions, proving to be just as
hungry as the zombies, except his hunger is for the "perfect
shot". Only Debra seems to understand the gravity of the
situation and DIARY OF THE DEAD
is actually her document of the entire affair. She edits all of
Jason's footage, along with TV news clips and other people's home
video footage (including a child's birthday that turns nasty when the
hired clown turns out to be a zombie), to form a cautionary tale
warning any potential survivors in the world that the living may be
more dangerous than the living dead. If this film has a fault, it's
that Romero augments the practical gore effects with way too much CGI
enhancement, which is a disappointment since Romero and practical
effects use to go hand-in-hand. Too many of the gore effects (and
there are many) have noticeable CGI help, including the deaf Amish
guy's death by scythe and a lot of CGI blood, which gives the deaths
a fake, plastic feel. Still I admire the new direction Romero has
taken the series, offering an up-to-date revision of his ground
breaking 1968 classic. Low in budget, but not low in imagination.
Many genre directors, including Wes Craven, Guillermo del Toro,
Stephen King and Quentin Tarantino, put in voice cameos as TV
newsreaders. Also starring Shawn Roberts, Amy Lalonde, Joe Dinicol,
Scott Wentworth, Chris Violette, Todd William Schroeder and Romero in
a cameo as a police chief on a TV screen. A Dimension Extreme Home
Entertainment Release. Rated R.
DR.
BLACK MR. HYDE (1976) - Dr.
Henry Pride (Bernie Casey; HIT MAN
- 1972) is a noted researcher who is working on a serum that will
regenerate dead liver cells, thereby curing deadly liver diseases
(one which killed his mother). While treating prostitute Linda Monte
(Marie O'Henry) on one of her weekly hospital visits (she has a minor
liver disease), Dr. Pride is chastised by Linda for acting too "white"
and she tells him to loosen up a little. Little do they both know
that what she said will come all too true. When Dr. Pride injects one
of his mice (a white one) with the newest version of his serum, it
becomes agressive, bites Dr. Pride and then kills all the other rats
(all black) in it's cage. After seeing the results of his latest
experiment, Dr. Pride decides he needs a "human factor", so
he injects a terminally ill elderly black woman in the hospital with
his serum, turning her into a homicidal albino (!), who attacks a
nurse and then dies. Dr. Pride's lab assistant/wannabe lover, Dr.
Billie Worth (Rosalind Cash), makes a remark that maybe the old
woman's heart was too weak, so, like all mad doctors, Dr. Pride
injects himself with the serum, transforming him into a superhuman
murderous honky (!), Mr. Hyde (his alter ego's name is never
mentioned once in the film, though). Mr. Hyde hops into his Rolls
Royce and goes looking for Linda, stopping long enough to beat the
crap out of three black thugs who try to rob him. Linda has problems
of her own, as her ex-pimp Silky (Stu Gilliam) tries to talk her into
working for scumbag drug dealer Preston (Marc Alaimo). When Mr. Hyde
finds Linda at her nightclub hangout, a huge fight breaks out and Mr.
Hyde throws everyone (including Silky) around like ragdolls until
Silky cuts him with a switchblade and a few minutes later he turns
back into Dr. Pride (and no one recognizes him!). Dr. Pride brings
Linda back to his house and tries to inject her with the serum but,
when Dr. Pride injects himself with the serum (to prove it's
harmless) and turns into Mr. Hyde, Linda runs away. Suddenly, there
are a series of prostitute murders in the area and the cops assigned
to the case, Lt. Jackson (the late Ji-Tu Cumbuka; MANDINGO
- 1975) and Lt. O'Connor (Milt Kogan), try to find out who is behind
the killings and put an end to the bloodshed. They get help from
Linda, who tells the cops the whole story. At first they don't
believe her, but Lt. Jackson decides to check it out. After
interviewing Dr. Worth, Lt. Jackson becomes convinced that Linda is
telling the truth. Dr. Pride is no longer able to separate himself
from his alter ego, so he hunts down Linda and is killed in a hail of
police gunfire. This is one of the last horror blaxploitation
flicks to get a theatrical release and, since it was directed by
William Crain, who kick-started the genre with BLACULA
(1972), this film is not
without
it's merits. It's not as well-made and acted as BLACULA
(Ji-Tu Cumbuka is pretty mediocre here and star Bernie Casey looks to
be sleepwalking through his role), but the screenplay (by Larry
LeBron) has a lot of comical, as well as serious, touches. My
favorite scene is when Mr. Hyde chases Silky down in his Rolls Royce
and pins him against the wall. As Mr. Hyde puts his car into reverse
for one more hit on the seriously-injured pimp, Silky pulls out his
switchblade in defiance, as if a sliver of metal could stop a ton of
charging steel. Even though I can sympathize with Dr. Pride's
motivation for developing the serum (He delivers an impassioned
speech about his mother's sad life to Linda while they are in his
car.), I have to say that the way he goes about achieving those goals
doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense. I can see his interest in
Linda, since she suffers from liver disease, but why the hell would
he inject himself when he's healthy as an ox? My favorite bit of
dialogue comes when Lt. Jackson tells his partner that they are
probably dealing with a "haint". Lt. O'Connor turns to him
and says, "What the fuck is a haint?" Jackson replies,
"That's a cross between the Abominable Snowman and Willie the
Werewolf!" Although the film's not very bloody, it is violent
and the scene where Mr. Hyde kills a police dog and tosses it's
lifeless body in front of a shocked crowd of cops is very well done.
The finale takes place on the world-famous Watts Towers in California
and the film was later retitled THE
WATTS MONSTER to capitalize on it. Bernie Casey's
transformation into Mr. Hyde (makeup by Stan Winston) is quite
simple: Just pancake makeup on his face and arms (with an undersized
jacket on his torso, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows), a
salt-and-pepper afro and white contact lenses. Not very convincing or
frightening, but it is unintentionally funny. Rosalind Cash (DEATH
SPA - 1988) is wasted in a thankless role. Still, DR.
BLACK
MR. HYDE
is a fun little time capsule of an era in filmmaking where horror
films were made for a black audience, but everyone could enjoy them.
Not like the "urban action" films made today where you need
subtitles to understand what is being said (Curse you, Snoop Dogg!).
Also starring Elizabeth Robinson, Della Thomas, Sam Laws and Bob
Minor (also the Stunt Coordinator). A VCI
Home Video Release. Available on DVD
from VCI Entertainment
in a "35th Anniversary" edition. Rated R.
DR.
HACKENSTEIN (1987) - After
the surprise success of RE-ANIMATOR
(1985), dozens of films appeared trying to emulate the mixture humor
and gore of Stuart Gordon's film (including THE
IMMORTALIZER - 1989), with 99.9% of them failing miserably
This is one of those films, especially after I saw "Vista Street
Presents" in the opening credits; a company not known for
turning out quality entertainment. As a matter of fact, this company
has failed to release anything remotely watchable. 1909: The Dawn
Of Modern Medical Science: Dr. Elliot Hackenstein (David Muir; NEON
MANIACS - 1985) is using his new serum and plenty of
electricity on a dead baby piglet to try and bring it back to life
(One of the few instances that the filmmakers got correct; the pig
has the closest blood and respiratory systems to humans. Pig hearts
are sometimes used for
temporary transplants until a suitable human donor can be found.). He
hopes it works because his beloved wife was in an accident and he was
only able to save her head, which he keeps alive by having it
hooked-up to electronic apparatus in his laboratory. He must find
fresh pieces of the female anatomy to stitch his wife back together
and use his serum on. Turns out his serum does work, as the bloody
baby piglet does come back to life (a very cheap effect). After being
shown various Pyrex glassware in different food-colored water and
bubbling dry ice during the opening credits (an anachronism, because
Pyrex [you can plainly see their logo] wasn't introduced until 1915)
to show us how serious a scientist Elliot is, Dean Slesinger (Michael
Ensign) is seen having dinner with Elliot and wants to know when he
will move his experiments to the college for the students to see. It
is a teaching college, after all (But aren't all colleges?). Elliot's
mute and deaf servant, Yolanda (Catherine Cahn), holds up a series of
cards asking Dean Slesinger if he wants cream or sugar in his coffee
(This is as high as the humor goes, so just be prepared). Elliot
tells the Dean that he has found a way to bring life back to the
lifeless, but the Dean thought Elliot gave up on this three years
ago, when his wife was killed in the accident. Elliot takes the Dean
to his laboratoty, where he shows him the living dismembered head of
his wife (Elliot's wife Sheila [Sylvia Lee Baker] was killed by the
spinning blades of the Lusitania during her maiden yoyage in 1906
[which was true; the maiden voyage, not the head]) and how he plans
on finding female body parts to reassemble her. The Dean is horrified
(he was in the maiden voyage of the Lusitania and doesn't remember
Elliot or Sheila being there or there ever being an accident), so he
accuses Elliot of murdering his own wife with his new serum, to which
Elliot replies, "Ridiculous! Things just got out of hand!"
The Dean recommends that Elliot no longer comes to the college
because as of now he has lost all teaching privileges. Elliot gives
the Dean a fatal heart attack when he shows him some of his revived
critters, as the head of Sheila moans, "Elliot, I have such a
bad headache. Will you get me an aspirin?" (We're only 10
minutes into the film and already I can't wait for it to end.). Three
young women and a man, snooty rich sisters Leslie (Catherine
Davis Cox) and Wendy (Denise DeRosario), brother Alex (John Alexis)
and good girl niece Melanie Victor (Stacey Travis) are driving a car
(This looks to be a late 1920's model), when they get into an
accident near Elliot's home (I mean, what are the chances?) They drag
Alex to Elliot's house because he has a broken leg. Elliot fixes up
Alex's leg the best he can and invites them to spend the night, even
though Leslie and Wendy bust Elliot's balls every chance they get.
They are real bitches. Elliot is then paid a visit by the local
graverobbers, the Rhodes (The late Logan and Anne Ramsey), who
deliver Elliot a man's corpse. He tells them that he needs the fresh
corpses of three young women, when it hits him that he has exactly
that in his home right now. He pays off the Rhodes and begins to look
at the three women in his home as body parts rather than women, while
Alex watches his sisters and Melanie undress in their bedroom, but
Wendy puts an end to it by jamming a lit cigarette through the door's
keyhole and burns Alex in the eye. The threesome's snooty mother,
Mrs. Trilling (Phyllis Diller), goes to Detective Olin (William
Schreiner) about the disappearances of her three children and her
niece, but this is the first the Detective or Officer Robbins (Jeff
Rector) have heard about it. Mrs. Trilling wants her children found
immediately, but says if they don't find her niece, it's no big deal.
Meanwhile, Elliot is grabbing the girls one-by-one, beginning with
Wendy, and saws off the parts he needs (He says to Wendy,
"Please, I'm not going to kill you!), while Leslie sees her
sister's body parts in a freezer. He begins to make his nude female
Frankenstein monster (complete with panties!) while Detective Olin
interrogates the captured Rhodes. They are quick to give up Elliot,
so the Detective heads out to Elliot's house in his very slow car.
Elliot invites Melanie Victor into his labotatory and she tells him
her life story about being treated like dirt by an uncaring family.
Elliot begins to actually fall in love with Melanie, but Alex acts
like a third wheel, saying that Melanie loves him instead (Elliot was
going to use Melanie's eyes to put in his wife's eye sockets) and
Melanie runs out of the lab embarassed. Alex snoops around the house
and discovers Elliot's journals on human re-animation. He also finds
a pistol. Alex finds the Dean in a bedroom, where it turns out the
Dean is not so dead, so Elliot keeps on investigating the mansion,
while Elliot treats the Dean. Alex discovers Elliot treating the
stitched-together corpse, so Elliot grabs
him
and gives him a tranquilizer shot. Detective Olin finally makes it
to Elliot's house and Elliot asks Melanie to act as nurse to both
Alex and the Dean (who was injected with the serum). Melanie
eventually finds out the truth about Elliot and it takes forever for
the Detective to park the car and walk to the house, but no one
answers the door (Yolanda is deaf). Elliot changes his mind and tells
Melanie he is going to use her eyes for his wife's corpse. Yolanda
sees the stitched-together corpse (she had no idea what Elliot was
doing) and finally answers the door, but since she has no cards to
express what she has just seen, she has to do it in pantomime.
Detective Olin hears Melanie scream, making all of Yolanda's hard
pantomime work useless. Detective Olin shoots the locked door of the
laboratory, but Elliot knocks him out with a blow to the head with a
pipe. Elliot advances towards Melanie with a dagger, but finds
himself unable to kill her (He screams out, "I am in
Hell!"). Detective Olin gives Elliot a hypodermic shot and he
falls on the dagger, but they all see the naked (but still wearing
panties), eyeless Sheila rise from the operating table complaining
about the body parts Elliot picked out for her. She turns out to be a
bitch of the highest order (Is it any wonder that Elliot may have
murdered her in the first place?). In the finale, both Leslie and
Wendy are found alive, but the body parts he took have been replaced
with hairy male body parts (He did say that he wasn't going to kill
them.). Elliot (who was given a shot of the serum by Detective Olin)
jumps off the house's top floor outside balcony and chases after an
escaping Sheila. The film concludes with unfunny future lives of the
film's characters, like Yolanda becoming a famous silent film star
and Leslie and Wendy becoming circus freaks. This SOV effort is
simply terrible, except for the far too few special makeup effects
from the KNB Effects Group and some nudity.The only really funny part
of the film is how long it takes the Detective to travel from his
station to Elliot's house. It would have taken less time if he
walked, but the rest of the film, not surprisingly the only
directorial and screenwriting effort by Richard Clark, is about as
funny as watching a baby die while it's on fire. The print on the
Troma DVD is in fullscreen (just like the Forum
Home Video VHS tape that came before it) and, if you thought the
film was unfunny, wait until you get a gander at a facially bandaged
Lloyd Kaufman's opening (something he does on nearly every Troma DVD,
just without the bandages) where he turns out to be a dickhead puppet
(talk about truth in advertising!). If you look in the background,
you will see a photo of Michael Jackson with the
"N.A.M.B.L.A." logo below it, an O.J. Simpson photo with
the word "GUILTY" below it or various video inserts of
Troma interns, both male and female, full-frontal naked. It makes the
film look like a masterpiece in comparison. This film was dedicated
to Anne Ramsey, who passed away in 1988. Unfortunately, this was one
of her very last films. There are no other actors to list in this
film, because, like the budget, the acting staff was threadbare. A Troma
Films DVD Release. Rated R.
DR.
JEKYLL AND THE WOLFMAN (1971) -
English newlyweds Imre and Justine decide to spend their honeymoon in
Imre's home town of Baliavasta, located in Transylvania. While
visiting the gravesite of his parents, Imre is attacked and killed by
three brothers robbing his car. Justine is nearly raped by the three
when Waldemar Daninsky (Paul Naschy) steps in, kills two of them and
saves her. He brings Justine back to his castle and looks after her,
along with an old witch who also lives there. The surviving brother
vows revenge and brings two friends to the castle looking to rob
Waldemar, then kill him. Too bad they decided to do this during a
full moon. Waldemar turns into a werewolf and kills the two friends,
but the surviving brother escapes again. Waldemar opens up to Justine
about his affliction when she sees him turn into a
werewolf from her bedroom window. The brother kills the witch woman
(he cuts her head off and parades it around on a stick) and gets the
townpeople to storm the castle. Justine and Waldemar escape and
Justine brings him back to London. Justine goes to her good friend
Dr. Henry Jekyll (Jack Taylor) and asks him to try to help Waldemar
find a cure for his condition. Skeptical at first, Dr. Jekyll invites
Waldemar to come to his office for tests. Waldemar gets accidentally
stuck in an elevator on the way to Jekyll's office and turns into a
werewolf, slaughters the nurse trapped in there with him and
eventually escapes, beginning a reign of terror the newspapers are
calling "Worse than Jack The Ripper". Dr. Jekyll uses an
altered version of the serum his grandfather invented on Waldemar and
turns him into Mr. Hyde who, with the help of Jekyll's jealous female
assistant Sandra, escapes and begins his psychopathic urge to kill
women, eventually turning his attention toward Justine. Can Waldemar
fight off both his Mr. Hyde and werewolf personalities and find true
love with Justine? You just know this will all turn out badly.
This is the sixth in the series of the exploits of Waldemar Daninsky
and it is probably the tamest, until the final third, that is.
Directed by Leon Klimovsky, who directed Naschy in WEREWOLF
SHADOW (1970), one of the better Daninsky sagas, he keeps
the nudity and most of the gruesomeness to a minimum until the final
30 minutes, when it really kicks into gear. Mr. Hyde's rape and
eventual flogging of Justine certainly will wake you up if you were
losing interest. Naschy chews up his role of Mr. Hyde, walking the
streets of modern London in his overcoat, ascot, hat and cane (with
hidden sword), picking up prostitutes and killing them. He even
tosses one unlucky lad into the Thames for a final swim. This is
probably the most dated of the Daninsky flicks as he invades a mod
discoteque (complete with go-go dancers) as Mr. Hyde, changes back to
Waldemar Daninsky and then promptly turns into a werewolf in front of
all the disco patrons' frightened eyes. If this film has one problem,
it's that the Mr. Hyde angle is never satisfactorily concluded. Once
he changes from Mr. Hyde back to the werewolf, the Hyde story is
dropped as Daninsky bites Justine and, just before she kicks off, she
pumps a couple of silver bullets into his chest and they die
side-by-side. The bloodletting is sparse, limited to a head being
crushed with a rock, a couple of torn throats (with pieces of bloody
meat hanging from Naschy's mouth), an off-screen beheading, a couple
of stabbings and Justine's topless flogging. This is a minor chapter
in the Daninsky saga, but it does have it's good moments, enough to
keep you entertained for 90 minutes. As with all the Daninsky films,
this was written by Naschy using his real name, Jacinto Molina. Also
known as DR. JEKYLL
VS. THE WEREWOLF. Also starring Shirley Corrigan, Mirtha
Miller, Luis Induni, Barta Barry and Jose Marco. The version I viewed
was the unedited international version, still sporting the Spanish
title DR. JEKYLL
Y EL HOMBRE LOBO.
I picked it up on eBay a couple of
years ago. Available on a widescreen double
feature DVD from Code Red
with the film THE
VAMPIRES NIGHT ORGY (1972). Not Rated.
DOGS
(1976) - The 70's churned out plenty of "animals gone
amok" films thanks to the success of JAWS
(1975). Some were blatant rip-offs (GRIZZLY
- 1976; CLAWS - 1977)
and some were quite good (THE PACK
- 1977; PIRANHA - 1977), but DOGS
falls somewhere in the middle. Thanks to a top-secret government
laboratory that's performing "high energy particle
experiments", a small college town is experiencing
rolling electrical blackouts and a series of unexplained mutilation
deaths in both livestock and, eventually, people. Biologist Harlan
Thompson (David McCallum; TV's NCIS)
and hotshot new college professor Michael Fitzgerald (George Wyner; SPACEBALLS
- 1987) try to figure out what is causing all these deaths, but it is
obvious to the viewer early on that normally harmless domesticated
dogs are responsible, as they seem to pack together at night with the
singular purpose of ripping apart anything that crosses their path.
What Harlan and Michael find so strange is that while the attacks are
savage, none of the corpses seem to have been eaten, like the animals
are killing not from hunger, but for the sake of killing. It's not
long before our two heroes trace the cause of the attacks to the
government facility and their extremely huge particle accelerator
experiments, but they have a hard time convincing the powers-that-be
of their concerns. That all changes when the canines at a local dog
show break their leashes and attack their masters, but instead of
listening to Harlan's advice of going home and locking their doors,
some of the macho men form a hunting party, which leads to a mass dog
attack where all those involved are savagely mauled to death. The
dogs take over the town, attacking and slaughtering everyone they
come in contact with. The dogs then turn their attention to the
college campus, trapping all the students and faculty at the campus
library, which leads to the deaths of nearly every person trapped
there. Harlan and his girlfriend, Caroline (Sandra McCabe), flee the
town and see nothing but death in their wake (including Michael's
chewed-up body). The closing shot shows that's it's not just Fido
that is now infected (Meow!). DOGS
(also known as SLAUGHTER)
plays like a TV movie with lots of blood and foul language. Director
Burt Brinckerhoff is better known for directing numerous TV m
ovies
(BRAVE NEW WORLD -
1980) and episodes of TV series throughout the 70's, 80's & 90's,
so it should come as no surprise that this has the look and feel of a
70's Movie of the Week (As far as I can discern, Brinckerhoff has
only one other non-TV credit in his extensive career, 1978's ACAPULCO
GOLD). Like the similarly themed THE PACK,
domesticated dogs turn nasty, and in order to pull it off on-screen,
you have to make normally harmless-looking dogs seem deadly. While it
may be easy to make Dobermans, German Shepherds and other larger
canines look threatening, the trick is to make poodles, Jack terriers
and other smaller dogs look the same way. That's where DOGS
falls short. It's hard to take some of the attack scenes here
seriously, especially when the little nippers are wagging their tails
and look as happy as when they lick peanut butter off their trainer's
private parts. Brinckerhoff doesn't hold back on the blood and shows
the effects of the dog attacks in great detail (the attack on the
campus library is very bloody), not to mention the scene of Michael
accidentally shooting and killing a man when he is trying to shoot a
dog, but most of the film is flat and bland. David McCallum
sleepwalks through his role and Sandra McCabe is extremely bad in her
debut film performance (She is one of the worst screamers in film
history and had a very short acting career). I did like how
excellent, unsung character actor George Wyner, who usually has small
roles on TV and in films, is given the chance to shine here in one of
his biggest film roles. He's the best thing about this film. Future DALLAS
[1978 - 1991] star Linda Gray has a small role as cocktease Miss
Engle, who is attacked by dogs while taking a shower. She also
supplies the film's only brief shot of nudity. Other 70's animals
attack films include DAY OF THE ANIMALS
(1976), THE BEASTS
ARE ON
THE STREETS (1978), MANEATERS
ARE LOOSE (1978) and NIGHTWING
(1979). Also starring Eric Server, Sterling Swanson, Holly Harris,
Lance Hool, Barry Greenberg, Dean Santoro, Cathy Austin and Jim
Stathis. The version on VHS from Genesis
Home Video (under the title SLAUGHTER) is to be avoided
at all costs. It's muddy and unwatchable. The budget fullscreen DVD
release from Trinity Home Entertainment is a much better, if not
perfect, choice. Even better is the DVD
offered by Scorpion Entertainment
in it original aspect ratio. It's really the only way to watch this
film now and contains extras like interviews with the cast and crew
and extensive liner notes by author Lee Gambin. Rated R.
DOGS
OF HELL (1982) - This is regional
producer/star Earl Owensby's stab at the 3-D revival craze of the
early 80's and, since it's his most violent and bloody film, it's
also one of his best (in the realm of low-budget moviemaking, that's
still not saying much). The government uses a commercial big rig to
transport a pack of genetically altered rottweilers (bred to be the
military's newest weapon) to a military laboratory in Fort Bragg. The
truck crashes not too far from the summer resort town of Lake Lure in
North Carolina, spilling it's cargo, setting the killer canines free
to roam the countryside. The dogs attack and kill a group of models
and a photographer camped out on a photo shoot. Lake Lure's sheriff,
Hank Willis (Owensby), biggest problems used to be breaking up fights
at the local bar's female mud wrestling contests or fining people for
fishing without a license, but when local residents start turning up
savagely torn to pieces, Sheriff Willis at first thinks
he's dealing with a rogue cougar or a "knife-weilding psycho
with sharp teeth" (um, what?). Compounding his problems are the
government, who are being led on a wild goose chase by the head
scientist in charge of the project, Dr. Fletcher (Bill Gribble), who
wants to save his dogs and Sheriff Willis' rebellous son Ben (Mike
Craig), who has been ignoring his father's commands as of late. Dr.
Fletcher comes to town and offers his assistance to the sheriff,
saying he never intended the dogs to be used as weapons. He has a
device that makes the dogs docile and wants to capture the dogs
alive, even if it means a few innocent people die in the process.
Sheriff Willis forms a hunting party and head to a religious retreat
that the local reverend is holding in the woods. They are able to
kill one of the dogs, but not before they sink their teeth into a few
people. When the dogs finally reach town and kill one of Sheriff
Willis' closest friends (he responds by shooting the jaw off of one
dog with a revolver that would make Dirty Harry proud), he gathers
all the locals and tourists in the hunting lodge for a last stand
against the dogs. He must also contend with the dastardly Dr.
Fletcher, a raging fire in the lodge and his son, who is trapped in
the attic with other people and the dogs close behind. Owensby
proves once again that he's a better producer than an actor. When he
opens his mouth, the words don't matter, because his delivery is
always the same: A monotone reading so wooden, you'll swear cedar
chips fall out of his mouth every time he opens it. Owensby, who
prided himself in making wholesome family films, definitely didn't
follow that rule here, as the blood flows rather freely and the gore
is graphic (but quick). People are torn apart, there's gaping wounds
that spurt blood and when the dogs are shot, they don't just bleed,
they explode. Many of the 3-D effects are incidental rather than
integral to the plot (except in the finale) and consist of a pointer
and darts thrust or thrown directly at the camera, some forced
perspective shots and people and dogs crashing through windows. The
dog attacks are handled pretty well, as the rottweilers actually look
threatening and the aftermath is pretty gruesome. Owensby, who got
his start with CHALLENGE
(1973) and appeared in nearly all his productions, fancies himself a
low-budget John Wayne and even quotes one of the Duke's most famous
lines when he decks a drunk at the mud wrestling match. Director
Worth Keeter worked steadily on many of Owensby's films, including
directing him in the only other Owensby horror film, WOLFMAN
(1979). Even though very few of Owensby's films ever played
theatrically above the Bible Belt, they were popular enough to make
Owensby millions (estimates say he made about $70 million!) and home
video opened up a whole new fan base for him. DOGS
OF HELL (a.k.a. ROTTWEILER)
is one of his best, although I'm still stymied why one of the
characters says, "Whitefish and golf don't mix." Also
starring Robert Bloodworth, Kathy Hasty, Ed Lilliard, Donna O'Neal,
Ashley Blythe and Brownlee Davis. A Media
Home Entertainment Release. Also available on budget VHS from Video
Treasures. Rated R.
DOLLY
DEAREST (1991) - Eliot Read (Sam
Bottoms) moves his family from Los Angeles to Mexico to start
production on a line of dolls he hopes will make him rich (NAFTA
raises its ugly head again). His assembly plant is located next to a
Mayan escavation site where a week before a man was killed opening a
tomb, unleashing an evil spirit. That spirit occupies the body of
Dolly, a life-like doll that Eliot gives to his daughter Jessica
(Candy Hutson) when they tour the plant. Soon Jessica begin to act
strange. She has an aversion to crucifixes and religious people,
talks back to her mother Marilyn (Denise Crosby) and spends a lot of
time conversing with Dolly in the backyard dollhouse. Jessica's
suspicious brother Jimmy (Chris Demetral) teams up with an
archaeologist (Rip Torn) to explore the opened tomb. They discover
that it is the tomb of the Devil Child, leader of a group of ancient
Satan worshippers known as the Sanzia. Marilyn also joins forces with
the archaeologist when she realizes that her daughter is becoming
possessed by the Sanzia (Jessica threatens to kill her mother if she
takes Dolly away from her). Satan plans on making Jessica the new
Devil Child. It's a race against time as Marilyn and Jimmy try to
separate Jessica from Dolly, while Eliot has to contend with a
factory full of Dollys come to life. The comparisons between this
film and CHILD'S PLAY
(1988) are so obvious that nothing else needs to be said on the
matter. The flick's main distinction is that it has a woman director
(Maria Lease), a rare commodity in the horror film business (Mary
Lambert's PET SEMATARY [1989;
also starring Denise Crosby], Marina Sargento's MIRROR,
MIRROR [1990] and Hope Perello's HOWLING
VI:
THE FREAKS [1991] are other examples). DOLLY DEAREST
was produced by Daniel Cady, who also produced 1972's GRAVE
OF THE VAMPIRE and GARDEN OF THE DEAD.
Lee Frost (PRIVATE
OBSESSION - 1995) was the production supervisor. While too
derivitive to be original, DOLLY
DEAREST
is nonetheless worth a look if nothing better can be found of the
shelves. Rip Torn is one of the few actors that can appear in video
fodder like this and still remain respectable enough to appear in
A-list films. A Vidmark
Entertainment Release. Rated R.
DON'T
GO IN THE HOUSE (1979) - Donny
Kohler (Dan Grimaldi) is fascinated by fire. So much so that he
watches as co-worker Ben (Charles Bonet; DEATH
PROMISE - 1977) is set aflame when an aerosol can explodes
in an incinerator he is stoking. Donny just watches, spellbound, as
Ben burns from head to toe until their boss, Vito (Bill Ricci),
throws a blanket on Ben to put out the flames. Vito has a few
choice words for Donny ("Crazy" is one of those words and
it's apt), but Donny is able to keep his job. Donny drives home to
take care of his sick mother (Ruth Dardick), only to find her dead in
the living room of a heart attack. We then learn why Donny has a
compulsion for fire. When he was a child and did anything wrong, his
mother would put his arms over the lit stove and burn the
"evil" out of him (Mom considers him evil because she got
pregnant from a man who did not bother to stick around). Mother may
be dead, but she isn't in Donny's mind. In true PSYCHO
(1960) fashion, she haunts him, both in body and in words. Still,
Donny prefers to celebrate, first by playing his record albums loud
(mother would never allow this) and then by covering a room in the
house from floor to ceiling in sheet metal. But Why? Since everyone
who loves horror films already knows the answer, let me just say that
Donny has a fiery personality that will eventually be the death of him.
Donny drives to a flower shop at closing time under the guise that
he is picking up a bouquet for his sick mother . At first the
florist, Kathy Jordan (Johanna Brushay), does not want to let him in
because it is after closing time, but Donny is persistent, so she
relents and lets him in ($4.50 for a bouquet of flowers? Only in the
late-'70s folks!). When Kathy misses her bus home, Donny offers her a
ride in his beat up pickup truck, but only if he can stop at home
first. Kathy agrees and he manages to talk her in to coming inside
the house to meet his mother (like I said, he is persistent!). Once
inside the house, Kathy gets a bad feeling and Donny knocks her out
before she has a chance to leave. She wakes up totally nude (We see
everything. I don't remember seeing the full monty when I saw this
film in a theater.), hanging by her hands in the middle of the metal-encased
room. Enter Donny in an asbestos fireproof suit holding a
flame-thrower. He pours gasoline over Kathy's nude body, fires-up the flame-thrower
and burns the poor girl to death, her screams bringing a smile to
Donny's face. We know that this pleases Donny because he does it two
more times (offscreen), first to a woman whose car has broken down
and then to a woman he picks up in a supermarket. He burns them
beyond recognition, dresses them in his mother's clothes and poses
them in another room upstairs, where he begins to talk to them,
telling the burned corpses about how he was punished for being evil
by his mother and how all women are no good (He imagines one of the
women laughing at him, so he slaps the corpse about the face).
Donny has a bigger problem: He thinks his mother is still alive and
taunting him. He is suffering from a guilty conscience (He has a
nightmare where all of his victims drag him into a mass grave), so he
goes to Church (Catholic guilt at its finest!). Donny asks Father
Gerritty (Ralph D. Bowman) if he believes in the Devil and evil and
the good Father answers back that he believes that evil walks the
Earth, but he doesn't believe in the typical devil, with horns and a
trident. Donny doesn't like the answer he gets, so he shows Father
Gerrity the burn scars on his arms and explains that his mother did
it to him when he was a child (and possibly when he was an adult),
saying she was burning the "evil" out of him. Just like
most religions, Father Gerritty tells Donny that he must forgive his
mother (Could you? I sure as hell couldn't!). Donny goes home, holds
his mother's burned hands (Yes, he toasted his mother's dead body,
too!) and forgives her. The thing is, Mother doesn't forgive Donny
and she taunts him relentlessly.
Donny calls his only friend, married co-worker Bobby Tuttle (Robert
Osth, real name: Robert Carnegie; MOTHER'S
DAY - 1980) and asks him if he wants to go to the movies
(Donny is trying to bring some normalcy back into his life). Bobby
talks Donny into meeting him at a disco that night because he has two
hot girls ready to party (Did I mention that Bobby was married with
children?). Donny reluctantly agrees and goes to a department store
to pick up some new clothes (the obviously gay clerk talks him into
buying the most expensive disco suit). Donny arrives at the disco and
Bobby sets him up with one of the girls, Karen (Kim Roberts). When
Karen pulls at his hands to get Donny on the dance floor, his arms
are over a lit candle on the table (Uh-oh!!!). Danny has a flashback
of his mother putting his arms over the lit stove, so he picks up the
candle and smashes it over Karen's head, setting her hair on fire.
Donny makes a hasty retreat out of the disco, only to get beaten up
by Karen's brother ("You scarred her for life!"). Donny
escapes to his truck and turns a bad situation to his advantage, as
he picks up two drunk girls and brings them home (He explains to the
girls that his face is bloody because he just got jumped, but since
he was a Marine and a Green Beret, he beat them up instead. When one
of the girls says "I thought the Green Beret was the Army, not
the Marines", Donny replies, "Well, it was a secret
division of the Marines!").
Meanwhile, Bobby goes to Father Gerritty and tells him what Donny
just did. They hop into Bobby's station wagon and head for Donny's
house. They rescue the two girls just before they become burgers, but
Father Gerrity is on the receiving end of the flame-thrower and he
runs out of the house on fire, where Bobby puts out the flames with
his jacket (He going to have to do a lot of explaining to his wife!).
Donny then imagines that all of his victims are walking towards him
saying, "We hate you. We always hated you. We won't forgive
you!", so he sprays them with some flame-thrower action, setting
the room on fire. As Donny tries to escape the room, Mother is at the
door and drags him to his death in the flames. The film ends with a
young boy named Michael (Christian Isidore) watching television
(where a news reporter talks about Donny's death and the house
burning down), while his mother screams at him to clean up his room.
When Michael doesn't listen to her, she slaps him repeatedly across
his face. The look on Michael's face tells us another Donny has been created.
The OAR Blu-Ray from Scorpion
Releasing is nine minutes longer (clocking in at 91 minutes vs.
the 82 minute theatrical R-Rated version released by Edward L.
Montoro's Film
Ventures International) than any other previous version (The
title on the print is THE BURNING, but the disc also has an
alternate title card available of the title we are all familiar
with). While the print is generally crisp (only one instance of
emulsion scratches that I saw), it has an annoying clicking sound in
the film's quieter scenes, but it is no deal-breaker since there
aren't many quiet scenes in the film. One has to wonder if William
Lustig saw this film before he made the gory MANIAC
(1980), since both films are extremely similar. Both protagonists
keep the dead corpses of their victims and they come to life at the
end which results in their deaths. Also on the Blu-Ray is a recent
interview with Dan Grimaldi (he is best known for playing "Patsy
Parisi" on THE SOPRANOS
from 2000 to 2007, is a
regular guest on many TV series and also appeared in two films by the
late H.B. Halicki: THE JUNKMAN
[1982] and DEADLINE
AUTO THEFT [1983]). This was Grimaldi's feature film debut
and he brings up an interesting point about the film: If Donny's
mother's movements since she was dead are all in Donny's head, why is
it that Donny doesn't see his mother when he walks right past her and
the audience does? It's a valid point that should be investigated
furthur (but not by me). Director Joseph Ellison, whose only other
directorial effort was the musical drama JOEY
(1986), imbues this film with a lot of thought-provoking scenes. It
has a lot to say about child abuse and what such abuse can create,
but the screenplay, by Ellison, Ellen Hammill (who has an uncredited
cameo as Bobby's wife) & Joseph R. Masefield (a Sound Editor on THE
EVIL DEAD [1981] and ALONE
IN THE DARK [1982]), leaves no doubt in the viewer's mind
that this is first and foremost a horror film. But whomever said that
a horror film could not leave you asking some valid questions long
after the film is over? Some of the best horror films are ones with a
message and I consider DON'T GO IN THE HOUSE a minor classic
of the genre. While there are a couple of stunt fire gags in the
film, the metal room burnings are done with overlays, but they are
very well done. This is one horror film where you don't have to leave
your mind at the door. The house where Donny lived was a real house
known as the "Strauss Mansion". There a documentary on the
Blu-Ray that shows the house as it stands today, a museum rescued
from destruction by the Atlantic Highlands Historical Society in New
Jersey. A tour through the house (which was a low-income apartment
house when this film was made) shows that much of the house hasn't
changed in 37 years. Also starring Darcy Shean, Jim Donnegan (as the
gay department store clerk), Commander Johnny G. (as the disco's
D.J.), David Brody and Eileen Dunn as Michael's abusive mother.
Simon Nuctern (director of the added ending footage of SNUFF
[1976] and of the better-than-average slasher film SILENT
MADNESS [1984]) gets a "Special Thanks" in the
closing credits. Originally available on VHS by Media
Home Entertainment and then on Budget VHS (recorded in the EP
Mode) by Video Treasures.
This once was available on fullscreen DVD by budget label Digital
Versatile Disc, all in the R-Rated cut. The Blu-Ray is now the
preferred version, since it is 1080p High-Definition Widescreen and
is Unrated.
DON'T
GO IN THE WOODS (1981) -
Thanks to the success of DELIVERANCE
(1972), a new genre of horror film was born: Terror In The Woods. The
70's & 80's were full of them, some excellent (RITUALS
- 1977; JUST BEFORE DAWN
- 1980; HUNTER'S BLOOD
- 1987), some mediocre (GOD'S
BLOODY ACRE - 1975; THE FINAL TERROR
- 1981) and other downright horrible. This is one of those films. In
fact, it may be the stupidest (you'll be reading that word in several
forms a lot during this review) horror films ever made. And for that
reason alone. everyone must at least see it once. Really, you must.
The first two-thirds of this 82-minute film is mostly a showcase for
showing how a killer in the woods can murder people in various bloody
ways (in this film's defense, the body count is very high for this
genre) while intercutting footage
of the four stupidest people on Earth: hikers Peter (Jack
McClelland), Ingrid (Mary Gail Artz; now a successful Casting
Director), Craig (James P. Hayden) and Joanie (Angie Brown; they list
her name as "Joanne" in the credits, but call her
"Joanie" in the film) as they traverse the woods for God
knows what reason. The film opens with a woman running through a
stream from some unknown killer, who finally gets her, as we see the
water turn blood red. We then see a bird watcher getting hit in
the cheek by a rock thrown with a sling (the rock just doesn't hit
his cheek, it goes through it) and then getting his arm cut off,
blood spurting everywhere. We then switch to our stupid four hikers,
where the bossy Craig tells the other three the do's & don't's of
hiking in the woods (even managing to mention the film's title). Cut
to a middle-aged couple in the woods, who get split-up from each
other. The man is throttled by the unseen killer and thrown off a
waterfall, landing on the rocks below (oblivious to two teenagers
frolicking in the water). The woman is shown crawling on the ground,
bleeding profusely, and then being dragged away by our killer. The
Sheriff (Ken Carter) and Deputy Benson (David Barth) get a report of
a missing person in the woods (they believe it is a bear attack
without even thinking that the person could actually be lost!), so
they go to the local store owner (Larry Roupe) to see if they can get
a description of the missing person. After the Sheriff gets a
description, he has to drag Deputy Benson away from a pinball machine
(My God, but it gets much, much stupider!). The Sheriff begins
driving the back roads of the woods to see if he can spot the missing
person and barely misses hitting a young girl in short shorts who is
rollerskating on the rocky road (What the Fuck?!?). We then switch
back to our hiking foursome, where Craig tells the worst horror
campfire story I have ever heard and the other three groan (and
rightfully so). Back to more killing, as we see Dick and Cherry
making out in a van (Dick has a poster of Farrah Fawcett on the
ceiling), when Cherry stops and says she sees someone outside. Dick
grabs his pistol and goes outside to investigate (He yells out,
"Show yourself, you pencil-necked geek!") and Dick is
murdered. Cherry hears his screams and locks all the doors in the
van, only to have the killer bash Dick's bloody face over-and over on
one of the van's windows. The killer then overturns the van until it
rolls down an embankment and bursts into flames, burning Cherry
alive. Back to our foursome, where Peter wakes everyone up after
having a bad nightmare and they continue on with their hike (after
the three play a stupid practical joke on Joanie that could have
killed her). Cut back to the Sheriff, as he takes a plane to fly
above the woods to see if he can spot the missing person. He then
abruptly tells the pilot to head back to the airport because he
thinks he'll give the person one more day to show up. (What the
Fuck?!?). The pilot says, "It's your nickel!" We then view
a female landscape painter in mirrored aviator sunglasses (the iconic
image on most of the film's advertising materials), who has her baby
daughter in a bouncy harness a good thirty yards away (Is she stupid
or what?). She is stabbed repeatedly by the killer as she faces her
painting and we see her entrails hanging through a hole in the back
of her canvas. Her young baby daughter's bouncy harness is now empty.
We then switch back to our four hikers, where Peter stupidly decides
to head out on his own, but becomes scared when he thinks someone is
chasing him and heads back to his group. Turns out what was
"chasing him" was just another hiker (Who calmly says,
"Sorry if I frightened you." after he passes our stupid
foursome). Peter cannot take the other three relentlessly making fun
of him, so when they make camp, Peter once again stupidly decides to
go out by himself and make his own camp (Peter really is a mental
midget). Now we go to two campers in sleeping bags, who are our next
victims. The female is trapped in her sleeping blanket and hung from
a tree and is bashed to death until blood flows out of the bottom of
the sleeping bag. The male victim is stabbed in his throat while
hiding in his sleeping bag and his blood gushes freely. Back to our
hikers. The threesome wonder if something has happened to Peter (who
is about a mile away scared shitless, yelling into the darkness that
he has a shotgun!) and Craig says that if he isn't back by 10:00 am
(Why 10:00 am? Wouldn't as soon as day breaks have been better?),
they will go looking for him. Peter spies on three people splashing
each other in a pond and then sees a fisherman (played by the film's
cameraman, Hank Zinman) take a bear trap to the face and then stabbed
by the killer, who we see for the first time. He looks like a tall
grizzled Mountain Man (played by Tom Drury) dressed in animal skins
(and a weird beaded object criss-crossing his face) who carries a
homemade bladed weapon (which is also covered in animal fur). Peter
is once again scared shitless (this time for real) and runs for his
life, with the Mountain Man not far behind. Joanie plays a painful
practical joke on Craig, so Craig reciprocates and traps Joanie in
her sleeping bag and hangs her from a tree, saying, "Now I've
got you, bitch! Let's hear you say uncle! Say uncle! Say it, bag of
bitch! Say it! Say it, bag of bitch! Say it! Say uncle!"
(Seriously, are these people stupid or what?). Joanie looks through a
hole in the sleeping bag and watches as the Mountain Man stabs Craig
several times and then cuts off his arm with his furry weapon. Joanie
escapes from the sleeping bag and runs for her life, while Ingrid
hears Craig's screams and heads for the campsite. After seeing all
the blood, Ingrid runs away and meets Peter (he informs her what is
going on). They find a cabin in the woods and (stupidly) go inside,
where it reeks of death. Peter sets off a booby trap which reveals
Craig's bloody corpse wrapped in plastic (All Ingrid can do is put
her hands over her eyes and yell out "No! No! No!" over and
over again.). They quickly exit the cabin and run for their lives. A
hiker (the one who scared the shit out of Peter earlier in the film)
finds the Mountain Man's jingly walking stick and Peter stabs him in
the stomach with a sharpened branch (Peter doesn't carry a knife, so
how did he sharpen a big branch so quickly?) when he mistakes him for
the killer. The Mountain Man finishes him off with a well-placed
flying spear and wounds Ingrid in the arm and head with two glancing
spears, but Ingrid and Peter manage to escape, while the Mountain Man
jumps up and down, cackling like a caveman. Peter patches Ingrid up
and assures her that they will make it back to civilization, which
they do (The Sheriff stupidly says, "I should have went in there
earlier." when Deputy Benson tells him about Peter and Ingrid's
ordeal.). Peter still worries about Joanie and stupidly heads back
into the woods alone without any weapons (I mean, really, was Peter
born without a brain?). Joanie finds the cabin and, yes, you guessed
it, she goes inside, where she is sliced to death over and over with
a machete, in one of the film's bloodiest highlights. We then switch
to a guy in a wheelchair who repeatedly tries to make it up a
mountain trail (A guy in a wheelchair? What the Fuck?!?), but gravity
always gets the best of him (either rolling downhill or falling out
of his chair). He's no
quitter, though, and keeps on trying.The Sheriff and Deputy Benson
are unable to get a helicopter (probably due to this film's low
budget), so they and a search party head out by foot (When Deputy
Benson learns that Peter is out there he says, "You mean we have
to deal with a mental case, too?"). The Sheriff heads out alone
to the cabin and discovers Joanie's sliced-up corpse. He is soon
joined by Deputy Benson and they carry Joanie's body to the recovery
area, where five other bodies have already been found. Peter watches
from the bushes as they carry Joanie's body. Now he's pissed! In the
stupidest part of this whole stupid movie, Ingrid's doctor brings her
to the recovery area, thinking Ingrid may be able to talk Peter into
turning himself in (Jesus Christ, this is getting ridiculous!). In
case you were wondering what happened to the wheelchair guy, he
finally makes it to the top of the trail, only to be instantly
beheaded, his headless corpse and wheelchair tumbling down the
mountain. Surprises of all stupidest surprises, Ingrid sneaks out of
the recovery area and heads out into the woods armed with a machete.
In the finale (Finally!), Peter and Ingrid reunite and kill the
Mountain Man with repeated spear and machete impalements (Deputy
Benson calmly says, "Cute couple."). But one thing has been
left unanswered until now: What happened to the artist's baby girl?
When we see her at the end, she is alone in the woods holding an ax
(and looks to have aged a couple of years in a couple of days!). Will
she be the next killer in the woods? It comes as no surprise
that this film was directed by James Bryan (LADY
STREET FIGHTER - 1978; EXECUTIONER
PART II - 1982; HELL
RIDERS - 1984, who also directed porn films using the name
"Morris Deal"), who has never made a good film (although I
am a fan of his 1970 sexploitationer THE
DIRTIEST GAME IN THE WORLD), but at least the blood and high
body count will help you get through this stupidly scripted film,
which comes as no surprise (again) was written by one-timer Garth
Eliassen (who also cameos as a cop by the lake). The simplistic score
was composed by H. Kingsley Thurber (FROZEN
SCREAM - 1981), who also composed and sings the stupid song
that plays over the end credits (He did it as as joke, but Bryan put
it in the film anyway). The entire film was dubbed after being shot
and it is very obvious because some of the voices don't match the lip
movements. It's hard to believe that actor Vincent D'Onofrio would
direct a semi-remake of
this film in 2009 as a hipster musical (it is as equally terrible
as this film). Like I said in the beginning of this long review,
everyone must see this film at least once, if only to see the word
"stupid" come to life. Byran has gone on record saying that
he purposely made the movie cheesy, but judging from his other films,
I find that a highly dubious claim. Also starring Laura Trefts, Gerry
Klein, Carolyn Braza as Cherry and Frank Millen as Dick (who was
dubbed by Bryan when he wasn't available after the film was shot).
Originally released on VHS by Vestron
Video with a budget VHS to follow by Video
Treasures. Code Red then released it on a director-supervised fullscreen
DVD and then in widescreen as part of a double
feature DVD, with THE FOREST
(1981). Both DVDs are long OOP and demand big bucks. The Blu-Ray/DVD
Combo Pack, by Vinegar Syndrome,
is long on extras (some of the extras were ported over from the Code
Red fullscreen DVD), but the print is simply terrible. It is full of
emulsion scratches, dirt specks, jumping frames and shows reddish
color around the edges, like it was taken from a print that was
actually turning vinegar (and it wasn't done on purpose if that is
what you were thinking). The Code Red DVDs are the preferred methods
of watching this film, but they don't have the plentiful extras that
the Vinegar Syndrome version does, so you can pick your own poison. Rated
R.
DON'T
LOOK IN THE BASEMENT 2 (2014) -
Over 40 years after the original
1973 sleaze classic, director S.F. Brownrigg's son Anthony
Brownrigg (director/star of RED VICTORIA
- 2008 and an actor in films like THEY
FEED - 2005) thought that, after 41 years, it was a time for
him to direct and co-write a sequel, so he went on the internet to
beg for money on crowd-funding site Indie Go Go to make this movie. This
is the result. Let's just say that Anthony didn't inherit his late
dad's genes for making sleaze-filled mini-masterpieces, like KEEP
MY GRAVE OPEN (1973), POOR
WHITE TRASH PART II (1974) and DON'T
OPEN THE DOOR! (1975). When the film opens, we are
introduced to Dr. William Matthews (Andrew Sensening), a new
psychiatrist at Green Park Sanitarium, who is from the "big
city". Sanitarium director Emily (Camilla Carr, who played
"Harriet" in the original film; she was a stock player in
many of S.F. Brownrigg's films) tells Dr. Matthews that he will be in
charge of a patient that is arriving tomorrow and to get Room #4
ready for his arrival. She hands Dr. Matthews the new patient's file
and later on he reads the file and says, "Great. My first chance
to impress the boss and it's a lobotomized patient with no
brain!" We also find out that Dr. Matthews left New York due to
the mysterious death of his wife (He tells Emily the details, as sad
music plays on the soundtrack). The next day, the new patient
arrives. It is Sam (Willie Minor Jr., played in the original film by
the late William Bill McGhee), who arrives to the sanitarium in a
wheelchair, but instinctively gets up and walks to Room #4 (Clue
alert!). Dr Matthews greets him in his room and the 74 year-old Sam
asks, "Where is Dr. Stephens?" Dr. Matthews informs Sam
that Dr. Stephens died a long time ago (he got an axe in the back in
the original film) and asks Sam what he likes to do. "I like to
draw boats." is Sam's reply. (no lust for popsicles like in the
original film, although it is mentioned). We are then intriduced to
some of the patients at the sanitorium, straight out of Stereotypes
101. There's the elderly Milly (Lilly Hall), who has twitchy eyes, so
Dr. Mark Westmore (Earl Browning III) sticks a hypodermic needle in
her right eye (shown lovingly in close-up) and then hallucinates that
the room is being riddled with machine gun fire (Dr. Westmore is put
in another locked room, Emily saying that he is over-stressed).
Another patient is Karl (Gordon K. Smith), who repeats everything
that everyone says. Also on-board is Clive (Brady McInnes), who
always wants a cigarette, so Dr. Lance White (Frank Mosley)
continually shoves cigarettes in his mouth, saying "You want
cigarettes? Here are your cigarettes!" and gives him the option
of smoking or eating lunch (Clive picks lunch). The Stephens
Sanitarium is mentioned a few times, which interests Dr. Matthews, so
one night he goes on the internet and searches for it, coming up with
no hits. He searches Sam's name and comes up with more than a million
hits (too much for him to look for). Then his phone rings and it is a
drunk Dr. Lucy Mills (Arianne Margot), who hits on Dr. Matthews and
reveals that she is drunk on scotch. Then Dr. Matthews loses internet
access (Another clue!). The next morning Dr. Mills has no
recollection of calling Dr. Matthews (Dr. White says she called him,
too), saying that she hates scotch. It doesn't take a crazy person to
realize that the insane are running the asylum and when Dr. Matthews
realizes that Green Park is actually a renamed Stephens Sanitarium,
he grows suspicious of everyone (Like how Dr. White is visiting Sam
behind his back). The inmates start murdering the staff, such as
patient Roman (Chester Rushing) pulling hard on Nurse Sophie's (Kim
Foster) tongue and stabbing her in the stomach (the last time we see
Nurse Sophie is when her corpse is shown with her tongue hanging out
of her mouth!). Emily believes that Sam's presence is the cause of
the violence. She confesses to Dr. Matthews that she killed Dr.
Stephens and that she is actually Miss Charlotte (played by Rosie
Holotick in the original film) and then cuts her own throat in front
of him!. Nurse Jennifer (co-screenwriter and Associate producer Megan
Emerick) comes up with the idea of injecting all the violent patients
with Thorazine to sedate them and calm them down, but she only has
enough for twelve injections. She hands out two needles full of the
sedative to Dr. Matthews, Dr. White and orderlies Bishop (Scott
Tepperman) and Billy (Jim O'Rear) and they go about sedating the
patients. Bishop and Billy discover a female patient in a closet
feasting on Emily's intestines, so they lock the closet door rather
than taking the chance of injecting her (Bishop and Billy are not
crazy and are in this film for "comedy" relief). In the
film's finale, the staff begin murdering the patients, especially Dr.
White, who we find out was a good friend of Dr. Stephens (he doesn't
even look 41 years old!) and was Sam's doctor when he was committed
to a State asylum after the massacre in the original film. Dr. White
is now down in the basement with a gagged and tied-up Dr. Lucy Mills
and he injects Dr. Matthews with half a dose of the sedative so he
can watch him stab Dr. Mills to death (shown off-screen). Sam shows
up and stabs Dr. White to death. The film ends with Dr. Matthews and
Sam sitting by a lake, while a smiling Sam pilots a remote-control
toy boat. We also find out the fates of Bishop, Billy and Nurse
Jennifer, none of who were crazy. A happy ending for all the
"normal" people. Although professionally made, DON'T
LOOK IN THE BASEMENT 2 is rather tame when compared to the
original film, Besides the intestine eating, the tongue pulling,
throat slashing and the needle in the eye, this film is restrained
when showing bloody violence (and when we do see gore, it is just
quick glimpses). It is also missing the sleaze factor, which is what
made the original film so memorable. The surprises are telegraphed
way ahead of the reveals, so if you are looking for a good mystery
mixed in with your horror, look somewhere else. There are some blurry
black & white flashbacks that contain snippets of the original
film (it is in the public domain) and the acting by the cast is
pretty good, but, all in all, this film is just a pimple on the
original movie's ass. The closing credits end with "for
dad". I'm not sure if he would approve. The screenplay is a
mess, as people can't determine when the massacre at the Stephens
Sanitarium occurred. They mention two dates: 1972 and 1973. You would
think Anthony Brownrigg would know the exact date. Also starring
Carolyn King, Joseph Spector and Cathrine Hatcher. Competently made,
but boring as hell. This didn't get a disc release until 2017, when BrinkVision
picked it up for a Blu-Ray
release as a double feature film where the original film is shown for
the first time in high definition in its original OAR. That alone
makes it a must-have!. If you are an Amazon Prime member, you can
view this streaming for free. Not Rated, but no harder than an R.
DON'T
PANIC (1987) - Michael Smith
(Jon Michael Bischof, who also wrote and sings the title tune) and
his alcoholic mother (Helen Rojo) have moved to Mexico following a
divorce. During the conclusion of his 17th birthday party, after some
hesitation on Michael's part, he and his friends fool around with an
ouija board, but nothing happens. Mom chases the kids out of the house
and we then see the ouija board's planchette move by itself,
eventually flying through the air. Thanks to something that happened
in his past that only he and friend Tony (Juan Ignacio Aranda) know
about, Michael believes in the Devil, and has even given him a
nickname: "Virgil". It's not long before Michael begins
having terrible nightmares of bloody hands bursting through his
bedroom ceiling and knives being thrusted into the bodies of his
friends and he wakes up with terrible headaches. But are these
nightmares or prophecies of things to come? Michael falls in love
with beautiful schoolmate Alex (Gabriela Hassel) and pops her cherry
in his bedroom. He gives her a single red rose and says to her,
"As long as there is love between you and I, this rose will
never wither." (Wow. If I were in high school and popped a
girl's cherry in my bedroom, that would be the last thing on my mind!
Besides, what teenage boy talks like that anyway?). Michael has a
vision (whenever he gets a vision, the pupils of his eyes turn blood
red) of his friend Debbie (Cecilia Tijerini) being viciously slashed
to death in her bedroom (the knife ends up buried in the top of her
head). Michael begins popping Tylenol like they were candy and takes
to wearing sunglasses all the time, even when he is indoors. A head
pokes through his TV set and tells him that his friend Cristy
(Melinda McCallum) will die if he doesn't take her out of town by
midnight. This puts a strain on his budding relationship with Alex
and Mom makes him go to a doctor for a checkup, who then tells Mom
that David needs to see a psychiatrist and pronto! When Cristy is
killed with the same strange knife as Debbie, Michael tells his Mom
that he thinks best friend Tony is possessed by Virgil and is
responsible for the killings. Rather than believe him, sauced-up Mom
has the doctor sedate him and when his father, Fred (Eduardo
Noriega), shows up, things take a turn for the worse. While Mom and
Dad are downstairs arguing, Cristy's brother, John (Roberto
Palazuelos), kidnaps Michael thinking he is responsible for his
sister's death. Michael is able to convince John otherwise and they
go off in search of the possessed Tony. The only way to defeat
Tony/Virgil is to kill him with the same knife he has been using to
kill everyone else. Personally, I wanted to use the knife on all
those responsible for making me sit through this
87 minute abortion. This horror flick, directed by Ruben
Galindo Jr. after his CEMETERY
OF TERROR (1984; footage of this film appears briefly on a
TV screen here) and before his GRAVE
ROBBERS (1989), suffers because of the terrible acting of
lead Jon Michael Bischof (although he's not the only offender), some
rather convenient (and unbelievable) plot contrivances and because it
was filmed in English rather than it's native Spanish. It's apparent
that co-scripter Galindo Jr. (working with Bruce Glenn) didn't have a
handle on the English language as most of the dialogue is stilted and
even though it's plain to see that nearly everyone here is speaking
English, they are all obviously overdubbed. DON'T
PANIC is very bloody in spots, but most of the running time
is spent on endless scenes of Michael trying to convince everyone
else that he is not crazy. The film plunges into the depths of
unbelievability when Michael and John rescue drunk friend Robert
(Raul Arauza Jr.) from Virgil's wrath, only to leave him alone in a
car while Michael goes back to the apartment to retrieve Robert's
pants (!) and a shotgun-toting John goes to the grocery store to pick
up a couple of packs of smokes (!!). Robert then gets his throat
graphically sliced open by a possessed Tony and all I wanted to do
was kick scripters Galindo Jr. and Glenn in their nuts for making it
so goddamned obvious. Don't get me started on the scene where Michael
bursts into Alex's house and interrupts a dinner party being thrown
by Alex's rich father. Rather than tossing him out on his ass, Alex's
father offers him a glass of wine (I guess there's no minimum age
requirement for drinking alcohol in Mexico). Alex then pulls out a
gun and begins shooting-up the place, grabs Alex by the arm and runs
out of the house. What the flying fuck?!? This is a dreadful excuse
for a horror film with nothing but a few bloody scenes (mostly knife
violence), lots of inane dialogue and piss-poor acting. Watching this
film is the equivalent of having bamboo chutes shoved under your
fingernails. Also starring George Luke, Edna Bolkan, Evangelina
Elizondo, Mario Ivan Martinez and Lucho Gatica. Originally released
on VHS by Mogul
Communications, Inc. in one of their colorful oversized
clamshell boxes. Available on DVD by Deimos Entertainment as part of
their CRYPT OF TERROR series as a double feature with Galindo
Jr.'s DEMON RAT (1992). Not
Rated.
DON'T
WAKE THE DEAD (2008) - German
director Andreas Schnaas has a one-track mind and is quickly becoming
a one-trick pony. All he seems to care about is gore, gore, gore,
letting the story take a back seat. While I have nothing against gore
(believe me, it has its place in horror films and I'll be the first
to admit it!), it sure would be nice if Schnaas took some time to
wrap all that bloodshed around a decent plot. DON'T
WAKE THE DEAD opens with voiceover narration telling us that
a long time ago, a group of Knights Templar were killed at a castle
and every 66 years, they rise from their graves and go on a bloody
murder spree for one night. The only two things that can stop them
are the morning sun and the Sword of Mecca, the weapon originally
used to kill them all. We then switch to modern day, as a bus load of
buxom women are on their way to that very same castle to help their
friend Lana (Sonja Kerskes) renovate the place, where a bad German
thrash band called Gang Loco (they have their own topless woman
dancing on stage while they all play their one annoying chord) is the
featured musical guest. Ignoring a warning from a mortorcycle-riding
Vincent (Ralph Fellows) to turn the bus around, the girls make it to
the castle, where they are
greeted by Herr Janowitz (Wolfgang Cloris Wobeto), a gaunt,
pasty-faced butler (Flashbacks show that he was involved with the
Nazis at this castle during the 1940's and they battled the revived
Knights Templar.). The girls ignore Herr Janowitz (one of them calls
him "freakshow") and hook-up with Lana, who assigns the
girls bedrooms that come complete with peepholes. While Vincent
performs some blood ritual on the castle grounds (complete with CGI
spirits), the girls decide to explore the castle, not knowing that
K.C. (Maren Lisner), one of their own, has slipped in the bathroom
and bashed her head against the edge of the bathtub. The girls
stupidly split-up to check out the castle (horror film
stereotype 101), with Herr Janowitz showing a couple of the girls the
castle's graveyard. As the film progresses, we learn that Vincent's
grandfather stopped the last Knights Templar attack (during the
castle's Nazi reign) and has passed down the Sword of Mecca to him,
for tonight is the night of the Templar's rising and no one is safe.
The rest of the film is nothing more than a series of extreme gore
set-pieces, as the Knights Templar begin slaughtering everyone in
sight, beginning with the members of Gang Loco (I'm an athiest, but
this is one time I thanked God) and then moving on to the girls, who
manage to do the stupidest things as possible at the most inopportune
times (horror film stereotype 102). Can Vincent manage to save any of
them before the Templars and some revived Nazi zombies (packing
still-working machine guns!) kill them all before calling it a
night? My, oh, my. Where do I begin describing how truly awful
this film really is? Let's begin with the dialogue. While everyone
speaks English here, it's quite apparent that it is their second (or
third) language because their line readings are simply atrocious.
Director/producer Andreas Schnaas (VIOLENT
SHIT - 1989; GOBLET OF GORE
- 1996; ZOMBIE DOOM - 1999; NIKOS
THE IMPALER - 2003) and screenwriters Klaus Dzuck & Ted
Geoghegan haven't got a clue how to use the English language to their
advantage, especially the scene where Beth (Fiana de Guzman) puts the
moves on Vincent, just after he tells her that he's a monk who took a
vow of chastity. Forget that all this is happening while everyone
around them is being sliced to pieces, it's just something that would
never happen in the real world. And therein lies this film's major
problem: While everyone is being killed in the most gruesome of
fashions (sword impalement to the vagina; manual disembowelments;
beheadings; head crushed in a van door; body sliced vertically in
half; knife in head; etc; all the effects are rather well-done), the
girls fight among themselves about who is going to be the first to
deflower Vincent. Un-fucking-believable. Since most of the girls are
uglier than sin (Hey, I'm German, so I can make that statement,
especially the bald-headed Cristiane Malia, who plays Shannon), the
plentiful nude scenes aren't even eye candy (they are more like eye
poison), and just when you think it couldn't get any worse, the
zombified members of Gang Loco take center stage and put on a concert
(this is one of the reasons why I am still an athiest)! Oh, my aching
eyes and ears! Schnaas plays much of the film as broad comedy
(Vincent utilizes a flying guillotine on some of his victims; a
tribute to the Hong Kong martial arts flick MASTER
OF THE FLYING GUILLOTINE - 1975), but the film falls flatter
than a half-cooked wienerschnitzel. To add insult to injury, Schnaas
closes the film with a music video by...Gang Loco, who apparently
only have one song on their playlist (at least in this film). For
better films about the Knights Templar check out director Amando de
Ossorio's TOMBS OF THE
BLIND DEAD (1972) and its three sequels.
Also starring Carolin Schmidt, Sarah Plochl, Amy Lee, Julia Casper
and Courtney Peltzer. I don't believe this film ever received a
legitimate home video release in the U.S., but it can be easily
obtained from German Amazon on the
Marketing-Film label. Not Rated.
DOOM
ASYLUM (1987) - A
palimony lawyer is horribly scarred in a car wreck, killing his
beloved Judy (Patty Mullen), who was also his client. He wakes up
during his autopsy(!), killing the medical examiner and his assistant after
learning of Judy's death. Ten years later, a carload of obnoxious
teens decide to spend the night in an abandoned insane asylum that
just happens to be the residence of the demented lawyer. To heap on
even more coincidence, one of the teens just happens to be the
daughter of the lawyer's late, lamented love Judy (played by Mullen
again). The lawyer (whose scarred makeup makes him look like
Christopher Lee in THE
CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN
- 1957) then dispatches the teens and a trio of female punk rockers,
who are using the asylum as a rehearsal hall, in various bloody ways
(bone saw, ice tongs, acid bath), saving Judy's daughter to be his
new (old) love. She rebuffs his advances, stabbing him in the face
with the handle of her mother's hand mirror. Which proves that old
adage: The only good lawyer is a dead lawyer. This horror/comedy is
amateurishly acted (which explains why most of the jokes fall flat)
and sloppily edited. The effects are bloody but were obviously
trimmed to receive an R-rating. The best parts of this film are the
frequent film clips of forgotten actor Tod Slaughter, showcasing him
in the rarely-seen DEMON
BARBER OF FLEET STREET
(1936), MURDER
IN THE RED BARN
(1936), FACE
AT THE WINDOW
(1937), HORROR MANIACS
(1948) and others. This was an unexpected pleasure in an otherwise
dismal offering. Former Playboy centerfold Patty Mullen later went on
to star as the title creation in the far superior horror/comedy FRANKENHOOKER
(1990). Co-star Ruth Collins also appeared in the equally inept films GALACTIC
GIGOLO
(1987) and CEMETERY
HIGH
(1989). Director Richard Friedman showed much promise with his first
film DEATHMASK
(1983), a moody, atmospheric chiller which had medical examiner
Farley Granger trying to solve the identity of a murdered four
year-old boy. Friedman later went on to direct SCARED
STIFF
(1987) and PHANTOM
OF THE MALL: ERIC'S REVENGE
(1988), both mediocre, though not quite as bad as DOOM
ASYLUM.
Also starring Kristin Davis, William Hay, Kenny L. Price, Harrison
White and Michael Rogan. An Academy
Entertainment Home Video Release. Available on an uncut
fullscreen DVD from Code Red.
Rated
R.
THE
DOORWAY (2000) - This is the last
of a series of supernatural haunted house films that Roger Corman
made in Irelend from the mid-to-late 90's, which included SPECTRE
(1996), KNOCKING ON
DEATH'S DOOR (1998) and THE
HAUNTING OF HELL HOUSE (1998), all above-average horror
B-Films, each with their fair share of goosebump-inducing moments. THE
DOORWAY is actually a bastardization of THE
EVIL (1977), but for a bastardization, it is a damn fine one
(and funny as hell, too). Even though this film was shot in Galway,
Ireland (watch the documentary IT
CAME FROM CONNEMARA!! [2014] to witness how Corman changed
filmmaking in Ireland, as he formed his own production company there
from 1996 to 2002 and churned out dozens of films of all genres), it
actually takes place somewhere in modern-day
New England, where we see a power company employee driving to a
notorious haunted house (the same house used in the other three
haunted house films mentioned above) to turn on the electricity. When
he was a kid, he broke some of the house's windows and when he goes
down to the basement to turn on the electricity, a demon comes out of
nowhere and pushes him into the fusebox and he is electrocuted. Four
college students get free rent for the semester and $10,000 to stay
at the house and fix it up. The college kids meet the always-angry
Mr. Hoskins (Ricco Se) at the front of the house and he hands
would-be actor Rick (Christian Harmony; who idolizes W.C. Fields) an
envelope which details all the work they need to do at the house. The
other three kids take one good look at the outside of the house (all
the windows are boarded-up and half of the porch railing is lying on
the ground) and they rip into Rick since he took the job without even
coming to see the house first. Rick says, "It's not like the
house is haunted or anything." which jokester Owen (Don Maloney,
who gets the lion's share of funny lines) replies, "Rick, I
doubt any self-respecting ghost would live here!" (Oh, if they
only knew!). Owen and Tammy (Lauren Woodland; "Emily
Francisco" on the ALIEN
NATION TV series [1989 - 1990] and series of TV movies) get
pissed and Tammy says she is leaving, but Rick's girlfriend Susan
(Suzanne Bridgham) talks her out of it. Tammy says she will stay as
long as she gets first pick of the bedrooms. They all enter the house
and see what an awful state of disrepair it is in (Owen says,
"The dorm's looking pretty good right now!") and are
greeted by a mouse scurrying on the floor. Tammy chases it away,
saying rodents don't bother her because she was raised on a farm. We
are then treated to an 80's-like montage of the four college kids
cleaning the inside of the house, while a funky tune titled "Love
In The House" (sung by Michele Vice) plays on the soundtrack.
After we get to know a little info and quirks about the four kids
(Like Tammy has a doll collection and Susan's parents aren't too
pleased that she is dating an actor), Owen (who has a secret crush on
Tammy) finds a dusty book in the house's library titled
"Superstitions Of Early New England", which happens to be
the subject of his college thesis "Mystery And Magic In Colonial
America". Owen discovers that the house was built on the site
where, back in the 1600's, people use to perform sexual Devil
worship. The house was built by Walter Van Buren (Robert G. Hall) a
couple of centuries ago and we are treated to a flashback (narrated
by Owen) of what went on during that time (all using gore and nudity
footage from earlier Corman films, like THE
HAUNTING OF MORELLA [1990], BURIAL
OF THE RATS [1995] and even a scene of Claudia Christian
from THE HAUNTING OF HELL HOUSE
[1998]), as Van Buren raised demons and ghosts from Hell until the
town revolted and killed him. The kids keep hearing strange moaning
coming from the house, but fool themselves into believing that old
houses like this make those kind of noises all the time (I would have
beat a hasty retreat as soon as I heard the first moan!). We then
watch as Susan takes a shower (new nudity alert!) when a severed
demon hand appears on one of her shoulders. Thinking that Rick as
joined her in the shower, she scream out loud when she discovers what
it really is, as Rick and Tammy run to the bathroom (Owen is
blissfully ignorant, as he has headphones on, listening to music
while typing his term paper on his computer). When they get there,
the demon hand has disappeared. Tammy goes back to her bedroom, only
to find that all her dolls have been moved (two dolls are positioned
like they are performing oral sex on each other!). She thinks Owen is
responsible, so she goes into his bedroom and yanks the headphones
out of his ears, but Owen denies doing it. The next morning, Tammy
discovers that all her dolls have been returned to their proper
place, but someone altered Owen's term paper on his computer, adding
sex-filled passages (Tammy thinks Owen did it himself and is
disgusted when she reads the first entry). All four of them gather
together in the kitchen to discuss the strange occurrences happening
in the house, so Rick and Owen go down to the basement to check if
there is anything hinky down there. While Rick is checking the
fusebox, Owen has a close encounter with a female demon, who floats
in the air, her fingernails grow into claw-like objects in front of
our eyes and she has a split tongue like a snake. The female demon
almost gets Owen, but she disappears when Rick enters the area. They
then hear the two girls screaming upstairs and discover the kitchen
sink is overflowing with maggots. That night, Rick is possessed by a
demon while making love to Susan (more new nudity alert!). After he
is done with Susan, he goes to Tammy bedroom and has sex with her
(while her creepy dolls eyes move to watch the action), where he also
sports a split tongue and tries to shove it down Tammy's throat. When
Tammy wakes up in the morning, she believes it was all a dream, but
she is naked and a naked Rick is lying next to her. Susan enters the
room and sees both of them in bed and runs out crying. Rick has no
memory of even going into Tammy's bedroom, so everyone discusses what
happened downstairs, where the female demon shows herself to all of
them and floats above the floor while saying, "Come to me!"
to Rick. Rick says, "Back off, bitch!" and the female demon
grows her fingernails once again and tries to slash Rick, but they
all escape the house and get in their cars to drive to the college.
They go to talk to paranormal expert Professor Lamont (Top-billed Roy
Scheider; JAWS - 1975; who appears
36 minutes into the film and lasts for about thirty minutes, but he
doesn't phone his performance in. He throws himself into the role and
looks to be having a great time.), who has given up on investigating
the occult because he had a prank pulled on him which nearly cost him
his job at the college (It has to do with Cotton Mather. Google
him.). After listening to their story, the Professor believes he is
being pranked again and says to the four of them, "Get the hell
out of here before I fuck you right on the spot. Class
dismissed!" (Scheider is really funny in his delivery. He also
says, "I don't do ghosts anymore...and I never did
demons!"). When Owen mentions that the house they are staying in
is the Van Buren house, the Professor says that an electrician was
found dead there a week earlier, something the four college kids were
never told before. When the kids notice that the Professor's
assistant Lydia (Teresa DePriest) bears an uncanny resemblance to the
female demon in the house (who we find out was named Evelyn), the
Professor becomes interested again because Lydia is a direct
descendant of the Van Buren family and she is also a clairvoyant. The
six of them head back to the Van Buren house (Where the Professor
tells the kids that they should read his book on the occult. When
Owen mentions that they are penniless college students, the Professor
tells them that he has 500 copies sitting in his garage and will
gladly give each of them a copy and sign it, too!). Once inside the
house, the Professor sets up his electronic equipment, while the
clairvoyant Lydia checks out each room for ghosts and demons. Lydia
watches her evil doppelganger Evelyn making love to a man in one of
the upstairs bedrooms and then she rips off his head. Lydia passes
out and when she comes to, she tells everyone that Evelyn isn't the
only demon in this house. She says that something important is hidden
behind one of the walls in the basement. While Rick is breaking down
the wall with a pickaxe, Evelyn tries to attack Tammy, but Owen
impales her with a broom handle and they both run outside. Rick
breaks through the wall, where they find the chained-up skeleton of
Evelyn. The Professor believes the danger is over because of the
discovery, but Evelyn appears behind him and rips his face off (A
really graphic effect that comes unexpectedly. Effects were done by
the Almost Human effects house.). Lydia tells Susan to burn the
skeleton, so she throws an oil lantern at it and it bursts into
flames. So does Evelyn. All the kids go to the police while Mr.
Hoskins returns to the house, only to discover that the inside of the
house is destroyed. The college kids are forced to come back to the
house by Deputy Abbott (Brendan Murray), who wants them
to
show him where the Professor's body is. Mr. Hoskins goes down to the
basement and finds it full of demons. He is sucked through the fiery
hole in the basement wall, which turns out to be a gateway to Hell.
Burning the skeleton allowed it to open. Deputy Abbott forces the
four kids to enter the house, but he allows them to remain upstairs
while he goes down to the basement to look for the Professor's body.
Evelyn has returned, as the college kids find all their possessions
destroyed (including Tammy's dolls and Owen's computer). Rick is once
again possessed by a demon and Lydia gets a psychic image and races
to the house in her car. Sadly, Rick has a pickaxe planted in his
head and the demon materializes (he looks like a HELLRAISER
reject) and Susan is killed. Tammy and Owen discover that a medallion
is needed to close the doorway to Hell and Tammy finds a secret
passageway in a bookcase as they are being chased by Evelyn. It leads
them to the basement, where we see Lydia grab the medallion and jump
into the fiery hole. Evelyn tries to stop her, but the wall closes up
and Evelyn is decapitated when she is caught between one side of the
wall and the other and the house burns to the ground. The film ends
with this comic coda: "Although no bodies were ever found,
Owen and Tammy were convicted of the murders of Rick Bascomb, Susan
Daniels, Professor Robert
Lamont, Lydia Weston, Ralph Hoskins and Deputy Henry Abbott.
Following a courthouse marriage ceremony, they were sent to separate
penitentiaries to serve life terms. Conjugal visits are not
permitted, however the couple keeps in contact via e-mail. The Van
Buren House was re-built two years later and will soon re-open as an
upscale bed-and-breakfast. A free copy of 'Ghostly Phenomena' by
Professor Robert Lamont
will be presented to the first 500 visitors." This is
a pretty funny haunted house film that surprises you with the gory
demise of Roy Scheider, which should seem out-of-place with the rest
of the film, but somehow it doesn't. Director/screenwriter Robert B.
Druxman (who is credited for the story to DEMON
SLAYER [2004] and the screenplay to DILLINGER
AND CAPONE [1995]) keeps the pace quick and some of the
dialogue is laugh-out-loud funny. That doesn't means that he skimps
on the gore and nudity, because there is plenty throughout the film
and, besides the short flashback segment, it is all original. Like
all the other films Corman made in Ireland (which also includes BLOODFIST
8: NO WAY OUT [1996]; SPACEJACKED
[1997]; A VERY UNLUCKY LEPRECHAUN
[1998]; MOVING TARGET
[2000]; GAME OF DEATH
[2000] and many others), they are all available on DVD in fullscreen
only. These films really need to be remastered in their original
aspect ratio and be released on DVD or Blu-Ray, so we can appreciate
them as they were originally filmed. A lot of Corman's films have
been released in widescreen (especially by Shout!
Factory and Scorpion Releasing),
but most of his films after 1990 have yet to be touched. It's about
time that changed. Also starring Joe Moylan, Christopher Burdett,
Daniel McNamara, Hoda Saoud, Dieter Auner, John Cullen and an
uncredited appearance by Druxman as the College Dean. A New Concorde
VHS & DVD Release. Rated R.
THE
DORM THAT DRIPPED BLOOD (1981)
-
During Christmas vacation, five college students volunteer to close
down the aging Morgan Meadows Hall, a 75 year-old seven story
dormitory that is going to be torn down and turned into an apartment
complex. The close-knit group have two weeks to clear out the
building of all it's furniture and other objects, but what they don't
count on is that some unknown psycho is also in the building and he's
none too happy that they're there. The psycho first kills Debbie
(Daphne Zuniga; THE INITIATION -
1983) and her parents. Dad gets a nail-embedded baseball bat to the
skull, Mom gets a wire garrotte necklace and Debbie gets run over by
a car. Joanne Murray (Laura
Lapinski), who is in charge of the clean-up, must contend with her
groups constant pranking on each other, as well as deal with
unwelcome illegal resident John Hemmit (Woody Roll), strange horny
furniture buyer Bobby Lee Tremble (Dennis Ely) and a handyman (Jake
Jones) whose power tools end up missing. Could any of these people be
the sneaker-wearing psycho? When the group try to locate John and run
him off (he's always scaring the girls by peering into the windows at
night), they are unable to find him. The handyman is the next to die,
thanks to a power drill to the back to his head. As the days wear on,
it becomes apparent that the students have issues of their own. One
disappears for hours on end, one has anger problems and Joanne is
uncertain of her future with her boyfriend Tim (Robert Frederick).
When the phone lines go dead and the electricity is shut off, the
killing begins to intensify. Brian (David Snow) is attacked with a
machete. Patti (Pamela Holland) is put in a vat of boiling water and
cooked alive. John attacks Joanne and Craig (Stephen Sachs), but they
both get away and Joanne finds Brian dismembered body. While Joanne
thinks John is the killer (she clobbers him over the head with a
baseball bat), she soon finds out that the killer is much more
familar, too familar for Joanne's good, as he shows her the results
of all his murderous handiwork that he has hidden in a tunnel under
the dormitory. This is the first film for
directors/screenwriters Stephen Carpenter and Jeffrey Obrow (THE
POWER - 1983; THE KINDRED
- 1986) and it's not bad for a first effort, even if it's your
standard "killer on the loose in a building full of teens"
plot. Some of the kills are pretty inventive (effects courtesy of
Matthew Mungle), although some of the gorier deaths look to be
trimmed to receive an R rating. There's still plenty of blood to keep
gorehounds happy and the acting doesn't suck, which is a big plus for
a film like this. Woody Roll resembles a slightly demented Paul Le
Mat and he's pretty scary for someone who isn't the killer. The
killer's motivation is pretty weak (He's in love with Jennifer, but
she's not in love with him, so he murders anyone who even talks to
her. That's taking devotion a little too far.), but the standoff
between him, Bobby Lee and the police is ingenious and very well
executed (literally!). The ending is also very nasty without being
graphic. It's not a happy ending, by the way. This is a pretty
enjoyable way to spend 85 minutes if you don't set your sights too
high. Also known as PRANKS and DEATH
DORM. Stephen Carpenter and Jeffrey Obrow would end their
partnership in the early 90's. Carpenter would go on to direct the
dreadful SOUL SURVIVORS
(2001) and Obrow would make SERVANTS
OF TWILIGHT (1991) and THEY
ARE AMONG US (2004), George
"Buck" Flower's final film. A Media
Home Entertainment VHS Release. Also available on uncut DVD
& Blu-Ray from Synapse
Films, the only way to watch this film. The VHS is Rated R.
The DVD/Blu-Ray combo pack is Not Rated.
DRACULA
A.D. 1972 (1972) - This was one
of the Hammer Dracula films that I absolutely hated when I originally
saw it in a theater in 1972. I hated it so much, I never watched it
again. That is until it made its premiere on Turner Classic Movies
(TCM) on October 30th, 2015 and I decided to watch it for the first
time in 43 years. You know what? I actually liked it this time. I
remember when first going to see it that taking the Hammer Dracula
saga out of the Gothic era to modern times was a big mistake, but
call it nostalgia or call it old age, I now look at it as one of
Hammer's fastest-paced Dracula films they made. For the first time
since Christopher Lee portrayed Dracula and Peter Cushing portrayed
Prefessor Van Velsing, this film doesn't follow the continuing story
and rebirth of Dracula from the previous film, since Peter Cushing
didn't appear in SCARS OF DRACULA
(1970; which some people think is the most violent of Hammer's
Dracula films and they may be right). This film starts woth one of
the most exciting openings of any Hammer Dracula. It's 1872 and
Dracula and Van Helsing are battling on a runaway
carriage. The carriage hits a tree and Dracula gets impaled by the
spokes of a wooden wheel. Just before he dies of a severe concussion,
Van Helsing helps in driving the spokes in deeper Dracula's heart and
then Van Helsing collapses on his back, his finale visage looking up
into the sky before he passes away. We then see a mysterious stranger
collect Dracula's ring and some of Dracula's dust a glass vial. While
Van Helsing's funeral is being held, the stranger digs a small hole
in unconsecrated ground on the other side of the fence of the
cemetery and pours some of Dracula's dust into it. The camera then
pans into the sky and we see a jet airplane fly overhead (it's a
clever segue). It's now 1972 and we are at a swinging party where a
British band called Stoneground is playing (the famous band Faces
were originally to play in this scene, but they pulled out at the
last moment) and the young people are having a good time and the
older people are horrified. A young man called "Johnny
Alucard" (an incredibly young Christopher Neame; HELLBOUND
- 1993), a descendant of the mysterious stranger 100 years earlier,
crashes the party and ingratiates himself with the young people,
including Jessica Van Helsing (Stephanie Beacham; HORROR
PLANET - 1980), who lives with her father Professor Van
Helsing (Cushing). He gets off on torturing one old woman by making
believe that he is going to break one of her valuable porcelain
statues, but he puts it back on the table as he walks out the door.
Then his arm comes inside the door and knocks the statue down,
breaking it. The police dub them a "fringe group", so
Johnny says why don't they all go to an unconsecrated church that
night and peform a satanic ritual for shits and giggles? Of course we
know it is for more nefarious reasons and the only one to have
reservations about the whole thing is Jessica, but her boyfriend Bob
(Philip Miller; this was his only acting role of note) talks her into
going. In order to get to the church, they must first pass through a
graveyard, where Jessica discovers that her great-great-grandfather
died on that very exact date. This is the 100th anniversary of both
his and Dracula's deaths. Bob says it is nothing but a coincidence
and they meet everyone at the church. Johnny Alucard performs a
ritual for the Demon of Forbidden Knowledge and says "I demand
an audience with his Satanic Majesty!" and says that they all
have to swear in front of the Devil to keep this Black Mass a secret
or a curse will befall them. He needs a female "sacrifice"
and asks Jessica to join him, but she refuses, so Laura (Caroline
Munro; STARCRASH -
1978) offers her services instead. Laura lies down on an altar while
Johnny slices his arm with an ancient dagger, collecting all his
blood in a goblet and then pouring it on Laura, who is shocked. All
the other members of the group leave in disgust, except for Johnny
and Laura, who go to the graveyard and pours the final amount of dust
on Dracula's grave (which looks like it is breathing). Dracula (Lee)
suddenly appears and Johnny says that it was he who raised him from
the dead. Dracula simply says "It was my will!" and sucks
Laura dry. Johnny becomes Dracula's vampire servant and he tells the
group that Laura was in on the gag from the beginning (and that the
blood was nothing but blood capsules) and she is on a train to
collect some money from a relative (Jessica is not buying it for a
minute). Meanwhile, three young boys kicking a ball around find
Laura's dead body in a pile of loose cement rubble. The police think
it is the work of a sex maniac and that she was already wearing a
shroud (What one has to do with another is still a mystery to me).
Luckily, her fingerprints are on file for a drug arrest four months
ago and people say she hung out with a "fringe group" (What
in the hell does that mean? They are just having fun, smoking hash
and partying like everyone young person did in the 70's), including
Jessica Van Helsing (Who is the most normal woman I have seen in a
horror film). Inspector Murray (Michael Coles; DR.
WHO AND THE DALEKS - 1965) talks to Professor Van Helsing
and when he mentions that Laura's body was completely drained of
blood, it strikes a cord in the Professor. He tells Inspector Murray
that they may be dealing with vampires. In a refreshing change of
pace, the Inspector actually believes the Professor (after a short
time not believing him), but tells them to keep it between
themselves, because other people in power won't be so understanding.
Jessica walks into the house and the Inspector talks to her, where
she learns for the first time that Laura is dead. The Inspector wants
to talk to Jessica's friends, but his partner says kids won't talk to
him, but Inspector Murray says that when he finds a piece of hash on
one of them, they will be more than willing to talk. Meanwhile,
Johnny brings Dracula Angel Gaynor (Marsha Hunt; HOWLING
II:...YOUR SISTER IS A WEREWOLF - 1985) and he drains
her of all her blood, but he yells to Johnny, "She's not the
one!" and will only make Johnny truly immortal if he brings
Jessica to him. Dracula hopes to wipe out the Van Helsing bloodline
from the Earth, so the Professor dies a lonely man with no one to
carry on his work. Johnny starts turning members of the fringe group
into vampires or killing them and when Professor Murray mentions that
two more girls from the group were murdered last night. He is amazed
when Van Helsing describes both murders perfectly (He also explains
that Johnny's last name is "Dracula" spelled backwards).
Bob (wearing a scarf around his neck, uh, oh!) takes Jessica for a
ride, even though she doesn't want to, and they meet Johnny. They
both bare their fangs to Jessica and she is knocked out. When Bob
goes to put the bite on her, Johnny (who had his hand burned grabbing
Jessica's crucifix) tells him not to touch her. She is Dracula's
property now. Anna (Janet Kay; AND
NOW THE SCREAMING STARTS - 1973; also with Beacham), a
member of Jessica's circle of friends, tells Professor Van Helsing
and Inspector Murray where Johnny lives (she spent a short time there
once and became so freaked out, she had to leave) and he asks the
Inspector to give him an hour before he and his men enter Johnny's
house. Johnny tries to put the bite on the Professor as the sun
begins to rise, but the Professor throws a Bible with a crucifix
around it into Johnny's coffin, making sure Johnny has no place to
sleep during the day. In an ingenious move, the Professor uses a
round hand mirror to reflect the sun onto Johnny, forcing him to fall
into the bathtub and accidentally turning the shower on (vampires
can't survive in flowing water, a legend that was created in one of
Hammer's previous Dracula films). Johnny dies and his skin begins to
peel, just as the Inspector and his men arrive (Johnny managed to
stab the Professor in the arm with a switchblade, which a medic
patches up). The Professor knows where Jessica is, but he once again
makes the Inspector promise to give him an hour before he shows up.
The Professor is seen tinkering around in a barn and then goes to
save Jessica and stabs Dracula in the heart with a sacrimonial
dagger. Janet is still under Dracula's control, so she pulls the
dagger out of Dracula and he's good as new. This leads them all to
the barn, where the Professor had booby-trapped it. He gives Dracula
a face-full of holy water and then pushes him face-first into a
grave, which has a sharp stake protruding from it. The Professor
pushes Dracula's body down with a shovel until the stake protrudes
out his back and Dracula once again turns to dust. Jessica snaps out
of her spell and is no worse for wear, but all her friends are dead.
It's not easy being a Van Helsing. This is the penultimate film
where Cushing and Lee would face-off as Van Helsing and Dracula. The
next film would be THE
SATANIC RITES OF DRACULA (a.k.a. COUNT
DRACULA AND HIS VAMPIRE BRIDE - 1973), then Lee would hang
up his Dracula cape (but still portray vampires in various foriegn
comedies like DRACULA AND SON
- 1976) and Cushing would play Van Helsing one more time in Hammer
Films/Shaw Brothers horror/kung fu mash-up THE
LEGEND OF THE SEVEN GOLDEN VAMPIRES (a.k.a. THE
7 BROTHERS MEET DRACULA - 1974). Not only did director Alan
Gibson (CRESCENDO - 1969 [a
popular co-feature with this film in the U.S. and a popular
co-feature with TASTE
THE BLOOD OF DRACULA [1969] in England]; GOODBYE
GEMINI
- 1970) and screenwriter Don Houghton (SHATTER
- 1974) also return for the last Lee/Cushing Dracula film, actor
Michael Coles also returned as Inspector Murray (Joanna Lumley
replaced Stephanie Beacham as Jessica). In August 1981, CBS and their
CBS Late Movie changed the title of this film to DRACULA TODAY,
where it went over like a lead balloon. Not only were the clothes
and hairstyles completely different from 1972 to 1981, the slang used
in the film was completely different than what was spoken then. CBS
went back to calling it by its proper name after only one showing
under that ridiculous title. I actually has a good time watching this
film after 43 years and consider it one of the best 70's Hammer
Dracula films. Besides, Christopher Lee has more dialogue in this
film than in three of his 60's Dracula films combined. Since both
Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee are no longer with us, the world is
a sadder place. This film was released theatrically two days before HORROR
EXPRESS (1972), which also starred Lee & Cushing. Also
starring William Ellis, Michael Kitchen, David Andrews, Lally Bowers,
Constance Luttrell and Michael Daly. A Warner Bros. Pictures DVD
Release (which is very expensive). Warner Bros. also released a four-film
Hammer Dracula DVD, which contains this film and it is under
$10.00. Rated PG, but pretty bloody for that rating.
DREAMANIAC
(1986) - This is director David DeCoteau's first legitimate film
(he directed a bunch of gay porn videos before this
using various pseudonyms) and it's one of those "Original
Made-For-Video" feature films that Wizard
Video ("Too Gory For The Silver Screen" was their
motto) was so fond of releasing in the early to mid-80's. A sorority
party at a private house turns deadly when a supernatural succubus
named Lily (Sylvia Summers) begins slaughtering the guys and gals in
bloody ways. This is not very good, but at least it's short and
contains plenty of nudity. The blood also flows freely but this is
the type of film every director makes to break into the field. Horror
movies are cheap to film and every single dollar (at least 10) is up
on the screen. The story is pedestrian, the acting ranges from
sub-par to average and the gore is basically stab or drill someone
and squirt them with buckets of blood. There's also a lame attempt at
a "surprise" ending. DeCoteau is still making plenty of
films today, most of them bad (he usually uses the pseudonyms
"Ellen Cabot", "Victoria Sloane" or "Julian
Breen" on those films), but he has turned out his fair share of
good films also (SKELETONS -
1996; FINAL STAB - 2001),
although openly gay DeCoteau has put a little too much homoeroticism
in his newer films for my tastes. DREAMANIAC
was just a stepping stone in director David DeCoteau's more than 50
film resume (so far), many for Charles Band's Full Moon Productions.
DeCoteau now heads a company called Rapid
Heart Pictures, Ltd. I've seen a lot worse first films but I
also have seen a lot better. Also starring Thomas Bern, Kim McKamy,
Brad Laughlin, Matthew Phelps and Bob Pelham. A Wizard
Video VHS Release. Available on DVD
as part of Full Moon's
"Grindhouse Collection" (which basically means it has not
been remastered and was probably taken from 1" tape masters, but
their future releases have been very good). Not Rated.
DREAM
DEMON (1988) - Future bride
Diana (Jemma Redgrave) has a nightmare where she jilts her blueblood
fiancé, Oliver (Mark Greenstreet), at the altar. He then slaps
her in the face and she retaliates by slapping him back, only she
slaps him so hard, she decapitates him and his neck stump splatters
blood all over her white wedding dress, while a pleased swarm of
paparazzi snap away with their cameras. Diana and Oliver are
England's newest celebrity couple, so when she tells Oliver about her
nightmare, he tells her it was probably caused by all the pressure
she is under. Her dreams get more bizarre (bugs coming out of dolls'
eyes; showing up at a high society tea party dressed like a hooker),
but they all end the same way: Oliver either slaps her, rapes her, or
both. Diana is verbally assaulted by two tabloid reporters, Peck
(Timothy Spall; SWEENEY TODD: THE
DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET - 2007) and Paul (Jimmy Nail; HOWLING
II - 1985), who trap
her outside her new home with questions like, "Are you a
virgin?" and "How big is Oliver's sausage?"
Diana is saved by American Jenny Hoffman (Kathleen Wilhoite; MURPHY'S
LAW - 1986; WITCHBOARD
- 1986), who kicks Peck in his sausage and both women escape into
Diana's home. Jenny tells Diana that she is searching for her missing
parents and her research has led her to Diana's new home. Diana knows
nothing about the house, except her rich father just recently bought
it for her and Oliver as a wedding present and she has only been
living in it for two weeks, which correlates to when her nightmares
began. Diana has another awful nightmare where Peck chases her down
into the basement and he falls into a bottomless pit of fire. When
Diana wakes up and finds her engagement ring missing (she lost it in
her nightmare), she and Jenny head to the basement, only to find Paul
down there looking for Peck, who has gone missing. Diana begins to
believe that her nightmares are real, so Jenny stays with her on a
permanent basis (or at least until Oliver comes back from Naval
maneuvers), but it doesn't stop her nightmares. When Diana confides
to Jenny that she is indeed a virgin, the pieces start to fall in
place. What is the secret this house hides and what is Jenny's
connection to it? When Jenny is sucked into Diana's nightmares, they
must both solve the mystery before they can return to the living
world and escape the clutches of Peck and Paul, who have both become
demons in dreamland. And is Oliver only marrying Diana because he's
flat broke? This British variant of A
NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984), directed by Harley Cokliss (WARLORDS
OF THE 21ST CENTURY - 1982; BLACK
MOON RISING - 1986; MALONE
- 1987), has a few effective scenes and outbursts of graphic gore
(the opening minutes are very atmospheric and ends with a real
shocking jolt), but most of the time the film is slow-moving and
rather uninvolving. The screenplay, by Cokliss and Christopher
Wicking (CRY
OF THE BANSHEE - 1970; MURDERS
IN THE RUE MORGUE - 1971; DEMONS
OF THE MIND - 1972), is nothing but rehashed ideas already
displayed in the ELM STREET franchise,
where Diana's dreams cause death and destruction in the real world.
Both Diana and Jenny are then chased around by demons Peck and Paul,
where wisecracks are made and gross makeup effects are displayed
(such as when Diana rips-off Peck's ear and later puts her fist
through his head). The whole dream imagery thing grows tiresome after
a while, because DREAM DEMON
degenerates into dreams-within-dreams-within-dreams until we get to a
point where we just feel like screaming "Enough already!"
There is also a mystery involving a little blonde-haired girl and her
abusive father that happened in the house years earlier, but you
would have to be a complete moron not to figure out who the little
girl really is (Who dyes her hair black in this film?). This is a
minor British horror film that holds little interest unless you're
into ELM
STREET clones. Also starring Susan Fleetwood, Annabelle
Lanyon, Nickolas Grace and Patrick O'Connell. A Warner Home Video VHS
Release. Not available on DVD. Rated R.
DREAM
NO EVIL (1970)
-
All little orphan Grace MacDonald wants to do is find her real
father. Now an adult, Grace (Brooke Mills) is still looking for her
father, traveling from town to town with the sideshow church that
adopted her as a child.
Grace is a high fall artist who draws people to the church with her
30 foot dives, while her fiance's brother, Jesse (Michael Pataki),
preaches the word of God and performs faith healings. Grace is also a
virgin, much to the consternation of her fiance, Patrick (Paul
Prokop, who says,"I'm not going to walk away, half bent over
from that pain, anymore!), who is studying to be a doctor. Soon Grace
starts to slip into an "imaginary world" (as the film's
narrator tells us). While searching for her father in a seedy hotel
she meets a pimp/mortician (Marc Lawrence, who has a stable of the
ugliest whores this side of Afghanistan!) who tells her that he knew
her father (Edmond O'Brien) and that he died yesterday. He takes
Grace to see the body and her mind snaps. She thinks that O'Brien is
still alive and she begins murdering people who get in her way
(starting with Lawrence, who has his back ripped open with a scapel),
acts which she attributes were done by her father. Grace kills Jesse
with a metal wedge after "Daddy" catches them making love
in a barn. (I guess insanity leads to promiscuity.) After planting a
sickle into a nosey sheriff's chest, she goes after Patrick with an
axe, because he is leaving her for a female med student who will give
him some nookie. Patrick manages to sedate Grace and police
psychiatrist Arthur Franz (ATOMIC
SUBMARINE
- 1959) shows up at the end to explain everything we have just
viewed. While low on gore, nudity and production values, this
is a pretty good example of one person's descent into obsession and
insanity. Brooke Mills (THE
BIG DOLL HOUSE
- 1971, THE
STUDENT TEACHERS
- 1973) gives a good performance as Grace. She is able to rise above
some of the dicier material. Edmond O'Brien (D.O.A.
- 1949, FANTASTIC
VOYAGE
- 1966) hammily overacts as Grace's domineering and violent father.
More on co-star Michael Pataki (a favorite of mine) in a future issue
of CritCon. Producer Daniel Cady also produced DOLLY
DEAREST
(1991). Director John Hayes (who died in 2000) had been turning out
small exploitation films for years. Some are good, such as GRAVE
OF THE VAMPIRE
(1972) and some are downright bad, such as GARDEN
OF THE DEAD (1972) and END
OF THE WORLD
(1977). DREAM
NO EVIL
(a.k.a. NOW
I LAY ME DOWN TO DIE)
falls into the former category. Originally released on VHS by Active
Home Video, with a budget VHS release a few years later by Star
Classics Home Video. Not
Rated.
DRIVE
THRU (2006) - Proof positive
that Lionsgate Entertainment will release anything on DVD as long as
it contains recognizable stars. From the opening moments, where a
car-full of trash-talking wiggas and their skank girlfriends stop at
the drive thru at Hella Burger (which looks closed, but these idiots
don't seem to notice), only to be sliced and diced, deep-fried and
trash talked by the burger joint's mascot, Horny The Clown (Van De La
Plante), to the stupid open-ended finale that promises a sequel
(which thankfully never happened), this film reeks worse than a
uncooked burger left in the afternoon sun (And really, what parents
would take their kids to a franchise whose mascot's name is Horny The
Clown?). I can't think of a recent DTV horror film that I hated more
than this; it's the kind of horror flick that gives intelligent
horror film fans a swift kick to the groin, as if to say, "Fuck
you for being a horror film fan!" Not a single cliche is missed;
from the virginal, about-to-turn-18 rock singer named Mackenzie
(Leighton Meester; GOSSIP
GIRL - 2007-2012); her horny, ready-for-sex boyfriend Fisher
(Nicholas D'Agosto); an ouija board session that goes very, very
wrong; a killer clown that makes a lame wiseass cracks everytime he
kills someone;
stupid teens (who all seem to have rich parents) that put at least
one "fuck" or "bitch" in every line of dialogue
they speak and who do the most asinine things at the most inopportune
times so they can be fodder for Horny's specially-made cleaver; two
police detectives, Chase (Lola Glaudini; who was on the TV series CRIMINAL
MINDS from 2005 - 2006) and Crockers (Larry Joe Campbell; ACCORDING
TO JIM - 2001-2009), who couldn't detect a turd in a toilet
bowl; a head-banging thrash metal soundtrack that plays every time
Horny chases his prey; and pitiful excuses for jokes in a supposedly
laugh-filled screenplay (A lot is made about detectives Chase &
Crocker's last names; "Cheese & Crackers", get it?
Ugh!). The simple story (believe me, they don't come any simpler)
details Mackenzie trying to get anyone to believe that she somehow
has a psychic link to Horny and his victims. She gets warnings in
advance (on the ouija board, her camera and even an Etch-A-Sketch!)
on who the next victim will be, but her parents, Marcia (Melora
Hardin; who appeared on the TV series THE
OFFICE from 2005 - 2011) and Bill (Paul Ganus), and the
detectives refuse to believe her. It's obvious that her parents are
withholding "The Secret" from her, especially about her
rapidly-approaching 18th birthday, but the obvious question remains
why Horny is killing the kids of other parents who all graduated
tegether years earlier. While Mackenzie tries to avoid Horny's
cleaver with Fisher's help, she also tries to figure out who is
dressing as Horny and killing her friends. Don't hink too hard
Mackenzie, otherwise you'll become retarded. The audience (including
those with an IQ that matches their age, have figured out his
identity long before the film ended). It's hard to believe that
it took the joint effort of two people to direct and write this
abomination (Maybe I shouldn't be surprised. Too many cooks spoil the
stew and how many films can you count on one hand that were directed
by more than one person that can be considered good? Maybe THE
BLAIR WITCH PROJECT - 1999, but I'm not even a fan of that
film!), but the fact is Shane Kuhn and Brendon Cowles should never be
trusted with a computer or a camera ever again. While there are a few
bloody practical gore effects (Cleaver in the head [a very easy
effect to pull off], decapitation at the jawline), there are also
some crappy CGI effects, none so bad as a girl getting her head
microwaved until it explodes; a teen getting cleaved in half by
Horny's cleaver or Mackenzie spewing CGI flames into Horny's face.
While there are a few nice cameo appearances by Sean Whalen (LAID
TO REST - 2009) as a dentally-challenged school janitor;
documentary director Morgan Spurlock SUPER
SIZE ME - 2004) as the much put-upon manager of a Hella
Burger joint; and Clyde Kusatsu (THE CHALLENGE
- 1982) as a TV reporter, the rest of the cast (consisting mainly of
TV actors) have absolutely nothing to work with here (Typical
dialogue: "Your balls are showing!"), nor do they deserve
it. If the idea of a fast food joint naming their mascot
"Horny" bothers you, imagine an entire film full of such
idiotic details (Nevermind that the Hella Burger commercials that are
shown on TV throughout the film would never get passed by the FCC!).
Ground this film up like some bad meat and feed it to the pigs. Also
starring Penn Badgley (Meester's GOSSIP
GIRL co-star), John Gilbert, Richard Bella, Shedrack
Anderson, Maliabeth Johnson, Tyler King, Robert Curtis Brown and Sita
Young. Gordon Clapp (N.Y.P.D.
BLUE - 1993-2005) supplied the voice of Horny The Clown and
director Michael Feifer (THE GRAVEYARD
- 2006; B.T.K. - 2007) was
the Line Producer here. DRIVE THRU
is not a shining moment for either of them. A Lionsgate
Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.
DYING
BREED (2008) - Four friends,
Jack (Nathan Phillips; SNAKES
ON A PLANE - 2006), Matt (Leigh Whannell; SAW
- 2004), Nina (Mirrah Foulkes; ANIMAL
KINGDOM - 2010) and Rebecca (Melanie Vallejo), travel to the
island of Tasmania, Australia to search and photograph the
thought-to-be-extinct Tasmanian Tiger. Nina has a secondary reason
for going: Her sister "fell off the radar" eight years ago
while in the same area and Nina would like to discover the truth
about her drowning death, as the last thing she sent Nina before she
died was a photo showing a paw print of a Tasmanian Tiger. The
Tasmanian locals don't take too kindly to the foursome's sudden
appearance (and the fact that troublemaker Jack punctures the tire of
a local's car for no apparent reason at all), especially when they
announce they are looking
for a tiger. It could be because most of the locals are descendants
of prisoners who were sent to the island when it was a penal colony
from 1788 to 1868; it's most famous prisoner being cannibal Alexander
"The Pieman" Pierce (Peter Docker), who escaped from the
prison into the woods and was never heard from again (A flashback in
the beginning of the film shows Pierce taking a bite out of a prison
guard's neck and tossing the bit of bloody flesh to a hungry
Tasmanian Tiger.). After a memorable night in town, where someone
keys Jack's new truck and Jack beats up a local for spying on him and
Rebecca making love, the foursome heads to the area in the photo that
Nina has, first by boat and then on foot. It's apparent that they are
not alone in the woods, but the question soon becomes: Do the
foursome have any right to be in these woods, especially the jackass
Jack, who brings a crossbow on what is supposed to be a photographic
hunt? Jack really is a first-degree prick, as he uses the crossbow to
kill a helpless rabbit and then skins it in front of Nina, who is an
animal rights activist. Rebecca is the first to die when some
grunting feral man bites off her fingers, snaps her neck and then
chews off her face. The appearance of a small girl in the woods (who
looks at a photo of Nina's sister and says "Mama!"), leads
to Nina and Matt joining two local hunters to search for Rebecca and
Jack (who disappeared while looking for Rebecca). When Jack is found
and they discover the shack owned by twin brothers Harvey and Rowan
(both portrayed by Bille Brown), Harvey being the "normal"
one and Rowan the deformed one (they are the incestual descendants of
Alexander Pierce), our trio finds out what generations of inbreeding
hath wrought: Two cannibal brothers that raped Nina's sister eight
years earlier, resulting in a baby girl. Is history about to repeat
itself, only this time with Nina as the unwilling sperm
receptacle? This Australian production, the feature debut of
director Jody Dwyer (who co-wrote the screenplay with producers
Michael Boughen and Rod Morris), is nothing more than an updating of
Jeff Lieberman's JUST
BEFORE DAWN (1980) with an added subplot about the search
for a Tasmanian Tiger. Although it take a while for the film to find
its pulse (it crams way too many different storylines in the first
hour, including the search for the tiger, Nina's nightmares about her
sister, the townies' incestuous secrets and Jack's generally
assholiness), once the foursome actually get in the woods, the flick
starts delivering the gruesome goods, including cannibalism (the
sight of Rebecca's body hanging in Harvey/Rowan's backyard is an
image you won't soon forget); a crossbow bolt shot through Harvey's
cheek and pinning him to a tree; Jack stepping on a bear trap and
then falling head-first onto another one; a hunter getting his head
cleaved in two by a machete; a pickaxe through Rowan's heart and
other gory mayhem. If I have one big problem with DYING
BREED, it's that it drops the Tasmanian Tiger hunt to focus
on the human hunt and then returns to the tiger in a quick, two
second shot that closes the film. I would have liked to have seen
more of the tiger and a lot less of Jack's annoying habits. Also
starring Ken Radley, Elaine Hudson, Sheridan Harvey and Boris Brkic.
Originally part of the After
Dark Horrorfest III, which received a limited theatrical release
in January 2009. A Lionsgate Entertainment
DVD Release. Rated R.
EATEN
ALIVE! (1980) - Whenever
Severin Films releases a new Blu-Ray of an Italian gore film, I tend
to sit up and take notice (their release of DOCTOR
BUTCHER M.D. [1980] is second to none). Be aware that I
reviewed this film previously in the 1980s under the title THE
EMERALD JUNGLE,
which I wasn't too kind to. Unfortunately, my opinion of the film
hasn't changed, since it wallows in real-life animal slaughter
and the story itself is rather boring. It tries to be different by
mixing religion and cannibalism, but it comes off rather hollow. The
film begins in Niagra Falls, where a native-looking fellow fires a
blowgun dart in to another man's throat and he dies instantly. The
film then switches over to New York City (most of the best Italian
gore films start out here, including Lucio Fulci's ZOMBIE
[1979], Ruggero Deodato's CANNIBAL
HOLOCAUST [1980, which this film tries to copy to some
extant], the aforementioned DOCTOR
BUTCHER M.D. and many others), where the same native-looking
fellow kills two more men with his blowgun before he is run over by a
truck when trying to escape. The police are able to ascertain that
the darts were dipped in cobra venom and the killer had a roll of 8mm
film on his person. They show the footage (where a man has his back
pierced by two hooks and he is then attached to a swing-like device;
a tip of the hat to A MAN
CALLED HORSE [1970]) to Sheila Morris (Janet Agren; CITY
OF THE LIVING DEAD - 1980). Sheila, who is an heiress to an
Alabama cotton mill plantation (!), is able to identify her sister
Diana (Paola Senatore; THE
KILLER RESERVED NINE SEATS - 1974) in the footage. She
disappeared six months earlier when she joined a religious cult run
by a Jim Jones-like sect leader named Jonas (Ivan Rassimov; JUNGLE
HOLOCAUST - 1977 and THE
MAN FROM DEEP RIVER - 1972, considered the granddaddy of the
Italian cannibal genre), who now runs his "Purification
Village" deep in the New Guinea jungle (One cop says this of
Jonas: "A first-class nut. Dope fiend probably.").
After Sheila talks to Professor Carter (a glorified cameo by Mel
Ferrer; CITY OF THE
WALKING DEAD - 1980) to get more information on Jonas and his
jungle camp, she hires drunken Vietnam War deserter Mark Butler
(Robert Kerman, who also starred in CANNIBAL
HOLOCAUST, as well as starring in hundreds of porno films
using the name "Richard Bolla") to guide her through the
jungles of New Guinea (for $20,000 cash and another $80,000 when her
sister comes home). While in the jungle, the native guides are
attacked by a tribe of cannibals, who hack away at their bodies and
chow down on their arms and legs (all in loving close-up). Mark and
Sheila make it to the camp, where they are introduced to Jonas, who
keeps his brethren in line by making them drink a drugged liquid.
Sheila finally meets Diana (Sheila: "She looks different. I can
hardly recognize her." Mark: "She's stoned out of her
mind!") and Sheila talks her into escaping the camp, but it is
surrounded by the same tribe of cannibals, making escape nearly
impossible. Nearly. Unfortunately, Sheila becomes hooked on Jonas'
spiked cocktail and Jonas tests her devotion to him by raping her
with a dildo dipped in cobra blood!. He also paints her nude body
gold for reasons only known to Jonas. Mark tries to escape on his
own, but when he spies the cannibal tribe cutting off the penis of
one of their own and eating it (!), he goes back to the camp and begs
Jonas to forgive him. Jonas is not buying it (and rightfully so), so
he has Mark tied-up in the jungle sun. A member of the flock frees
Mark from his binds and begs him to let him go with Mark when they
try to escape. Mark tells Sheila not to drink any more of the drugged
liquid, but she's hooked. Mark and Diana have to bound and gag Sheila
so she doesn't warn Jonas that they are escaping. Sheila's actions
cause the death of Diana (the cannibals cut off her left breast and
leg and eat them; they then cut her stomach open and feast on her
innards!) and when Sheila sees what's left of her sister (her severed
head lying on the ground), she snaps out of her drugged stupor.
Helicopters sent by Professor Carter pick up Sheila and Mark just
before they are about to become cannibal chow, while Jonas makes his
flock drink cobra venom (it tastes worst than Kool-Aid judging by the
looks on the flock's faces!), causing a mass suicide back at
Purification Village. Back in New York City, Sheila listens in her
hospital bed as a news crew talk about the mass suicide and how
Jonas' body has yet to be discovered. Mark never gets his $80,000
because Diana gave her fortune away to Jonas, meaning Sheila is
penniless. The film ends on that note.
While the film is gory as hell (besides what I have mentioned, you
will see the cannibals chewing on human ears and nipples!) and full
of full-frontal female nudity, it's the real-life animal violence
that is a constant turn-off for me (Much of the footage of animal
killings was lifted from Umberto Lenzi's THE
MAN FROM DEEP RIVER [a.k.a. SACRIFICE!
- 1972]). We watch as the cannibals slice the throat of a baby
alligator and then slice open its stomach, while the alligator
twitches in pain. I know some people are able to overlook this, but I
can't. If you can fake human deaths, you can damn well fake animal
deaths. Also on view are a mongoose attacking a cobra (mongeese are
immune to cobra venom); a snake swallowing a monkey and a large
lizard being skinned alive. The Italian's favorite drink, a bottle of
J & B Scotch, also makes an appearance here. Director Umberto
Lenzi, who passed away in October of 2017, has made much more
entertaining films than this, including the brutal ALMOST
HUMAN (1974); the weird and wonderful SPASMO
(1974); and the previously mentioned CITY
OF THE WALKING DEAD (a.k.a. NIGHTMARE
CITY - 1980), which I love for all the wrong reasons (it was
the first time I actually witnessed fast-moving zombies, which would
become commonplace years later). Lenzi was also responsible for what
many consider the ultimate Italian cannibal gore film, CANNIBAL
FEROX (a.k.a. MAKE
THEM DIE SLOWLY - 1981), but, it too, wallows in real-life
animal killings. So much so, that I refuse to watch it again, even
though I own the stunning Grindhouse Releasing Blu-Ray set. EATEN
ALIVE! is known under a myriad of titles, including the
previously mentioned THE EMERALD JUNGLE,
EATEN ALIVE BY THE CANNIBALS
and DOOMED TO DIE, which
was the title Continental Video was going to release it theatrically,
but they went out of business before they could do so. Everyone but
Mel Ferrer was dubbed, even though it is plain to see that all were
speaking English. The voices for Sheila and Diana are a ridiculous,
exaggerated Southern twang, as if all people from Alabama talk like
this (they don't). The Blu-Ray from Severin Films is above reproach.
The film is crystal clear and the extras, including a feature-length
documentary of "Queen Of The Cannibal Films" Me Me Lai (CRUCIBLE
OF TERROR - 1971; who appears here as "Mowara" a
native girl whose husband committed suicide, so she is fucked by her
husband's three brothers, a native ritual as a way of saying
goodbye!) and an interview with Lenzi (among others) and a CD of the
motion picture soundtrack (music by Carlo Maria Cordio, listed in the
credits as "Budy-Magliony") make this a must-own
collection, even if the film is not so memorable (If you want to see
a real sleazy Jim Jones-like film, I would recommend the Mexican-made GUYANA:
CRIME OF THE CENTURY [1979]). The New York City footage
shows Times Square as I remembered and loved it. We see billboards
for the Frank Zappa concert film BABY SNAKES (1979) and the
great 42nd Street Harris Theatre, which is showing a double feature,
one of the films being CRY RAPE
(1970). While this footage only lasts for less than a minute, it is
the nostalgia factor that compelled me to watch this film again after
I long decided never to watch it again. Other people may be more
forgiving, but not me. Animal killing for entertainment purposes is
not my cup of tea. Also starring Fiamma Maglione, Gianfranco Coduti,
Franco Fantasia and Alfred Joseph Berry. A Severin
Films Blu-Ray & DVD Release. Not Rated.
EATERS
(2010) - At this point in my life, I'm sick to death of zombie
films. Ever since the gory (but nonsensical) THE
WALKING DEAD began to pull in huge numbers on TV, there has
been a glut (and that's putting it politely) of low-budget zombie
flicks. You can't turn around without some DVD company releasing a
new zombie film and this has been going on for years now. I decided
to give this one a try since it was made in Italy by Italians and
because I'm a fan of most Pastaland genre films, I was hoping that
this one would be different. Sadly, it isn't. It is most defininitely
a reworking of George Romero's DAY
OF THE DEAD (1985), except for a couple of original ideas.
The film opens by laying the groundwork for the premise. During the
opening credits, we see several TV anchors telling the viewing public
(or what is left of them) that a mysterious plague has ravaged our
planet causing the dead to come back to life, with over 600 million
reported deaths (so far); we have reached the day when not one baby
has been born (the plague hits the female population very hard);
Neo-Nazi skinheads have taken over several countries (which I find
hard to believe, even in this scenario); governments around the world
are creating "extermination camps" where they kill the
infected and the walking dead by shooting them in the head; and even
the Pope has taken his own life by putting a bullet in his brainpan,
leaving a note saying that he "doesn't want to come back"
(I guess the cardinal sin of suicide no longer applies when the world
is in
turmoil. You would think it would be the exact opposite.). We then
travel a few years ahead, where zombies outnumber the living, as we
witness the lives of two mercenary-type survivors, Igor (Alex
Lucchesi) and Alen (Guglielmo Favilla), who are working with
scientist Gyno (Claudio Marmugi) and other survivors in a compound
that is protected by an electrified fence. Gyno is trying to find a
cure for the plague (At least that is what he is saying, but he seems
to enjoy his job a little too much), while every once in a while Igor
and Alen leave the safety of the compound to look for survivors, food
and supply Gyno with zombies to experiment on (Sound familiar?). Gyno
has a wide area fitted with hidden cameras, so he can secretly watch
what is going on, not just in the compound, but also in "Sector
B", a town that he seems to hold a lot of interest in. Igor is
the more gung-ho of the duo and Alen is the more level-headed one,
but they get along like good friends, ribbing each other as often as
they can, while killing zombies that try to take bites out of them.
Alen also has fiancee Alexis (Roselli Elmi) in an electrified cage,
as flashbacks show she volunteered to use an experimental serum to
get her pregnant (no human babies have been born for years and
finding an uninfected female is nearly impossible), but it seems she
became infected with the plague and did not turn into a zombie,
something Gyno seems to find very interesting. Alen believes that
Alexis may be the answer to ending the plague, but no one else seems
to agree with him (Gyno has more nefarious plans for her). We watch
as two compound employees seem to enjoy using a female zombie (who is
missing her lower half and tied to a wall) as target practice,
something both Alen and Igor find disgusting. Humanity is becoming
worse than the zombies (Sound familiar?). The remainder of the film
is really nothing but a showcase for finding ways to kill zombies in
gory ways; such as a zombie stripper still in her dance outfit; a
mechanic Alen once knew who is run over by their Jeep and cut in
half, a painter that likes to draw the severed heads of zombies in
exchange for cans of beer, and so on. We also witness a band of
Neo-Nazis (the head of the band is called "Fuhrer" [Fabiano
Lioi]) as they turn killing zombies into a deadly game: Participants
are given one bullet in their weapons to kill an approaching zombie
and if they don't shoot them in the head, they get eaten. We also
watch as Gyno lets all his zombies go free in the compound (He kept
them docile by letting them watch TV, the only instance in the film
that holds any Romero-type social commentary) and concentrates on
Alexis. While Igor and Alen are out of the compound, the freed
zombies begin chowing-down on the only humans left in the now-unsafe
compound (the two assholes who used the female zombie as target
practice get nice, juicy deaths). Alen becomes disenchanted with life
when he discovers Patient X, the original spreader of the plague
(played by Steve Sylvester, who also supplied some songs to the
soundtrack), is nothing but a female-hating wannabe-priest who took
joy is spreading the disease (Alen puts a bullet in his head), but
when Igor discovers an uninfected female by the name of Cristina
(Elsa Ferretti), Alan regains his faith in humanity. For some reason
the zombies kidnap Cristina but don't eat her, which causes both Alen
and Igor (who may have been infected) to go to Sector B, where they
discover that some zombies can talk and are becoming organized. It
seems that Gyno knew this all the time (thanks to his experiments and
watching them on his hidden cameras) and he is using Alexis to give
birth of the first zombie baby, in hopes of creating a new living
dead society, which he calls "a continuation of our
species", that will replace humans on Earth. Will Gyno succeed
in his plan? (Nope) Will Alen & Alexis reunite? (Nope) Will I
ever watch another zombie film again? (Yeah, probably) It took
two directors, Marco Ristori & Luca Boni, to make this film
(Ristori also co-wrote the screenplay with Germano Tarricone), and
Uwe Boll (RAMPAGE - 2009) is
the Presenter of the film, even though he really had nothing to do
with the making of it (He gets a "Very Special Thanks" in
the closing credits). I don't know why the directors thought they
needed Boll's name above the title since a lot of people consider him
a hack (Personally, I don't. I think he has made some very
entertaining and socially relevant films in the past few years), but
Boll then did take an active producing role in their next three films
as directing partners: ZOMBIE MASSACRE
(2013); MORNING STAR
(2014) and ZOMBIE
MASSACRE 2: REICH OF THE DEAD (2015). Although EATERS
has it's share of very gory moments, such as watching a zombie eating
his own guts, various living dead makeups that are quite effective as
they eat humans like they would a pizza, and some bloody head shots,
some scenes are enhanced with quite noticable CGI, including blood
spurts and a particularly hoary explosion in the finale. The film
also dates itself by mentioning that Osama Bin Laden has never been
caught. Since this takes place in the future, it's a mistake that
should have been fixed in post-production (I know it was made in 2010
before Bin Laden was shot and killed, but the DVD was not released in
the U.S. until 2013). The DVD offers you two choices to watch this
film: In Italian with English subtitles (the preferred method) or
English-dubbed. Be aware that the dubbed version contains some
cringe-worthy dialogue, such as when Igor makes a promise to Alen and
Alen replies, "Swear on that worm between your legs!" The
film does have some funny incidental scenes, such as Igor reading the
real magazine "Girls
And Corpses" (a zine I never understood the allure for, but
to each their own) and some other quick flashes that I'll leave for
you to discover if you decide to watch this film. It is by no means
the worst zombie film I have seen, but that should not be considered
a ringing endorsement. I will say this: It was photographed a lot
better (by Paco Ferrari) than most low-budget films and does have a
sense of danger at every turn, but in the end, the film doesn't add
up to much and leaves it wide-open for a sequel (which hasn't
happened yet). Proceed at your own risk. Also starring Paolo Spartaco
Palazzi, Roberto Mariotti, Riccardo Floris, Matteo Cantu and
Francesco Malcom. An E One Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated.
To see a collection of DVD covers of zombie films made post-WALKING
DEAD (from 2010 - On, and, believe me, I only scratched the
surface), click HERE.
EDGE
OF THE AXE (1987) - Someone
is swinging a mean axe in Paddock, Texas, dispatching its denizens
and spreading fear throughout the town. What's the connection between
the butchering of an ambulance driver, a waitress,
a prostitute and the wife of a pig farmer? I'll make it real simple
for you. All of the above victims used to work at a psychiatric
hospital and one of the townspeople used to be a patient there. The
list of suspects is large. As a matter of fact, there's enough red
herrings on hand to stock a large lake. It's up to you to guess which
one it is. (Hint: It's Barton Faulks' girlfriend [Christina Marie
Lane].) Besides the fairly graphic axe attacks (the blood flows
rather freely as heads and fingers are lopped off and close-ups of
the axe entering bodies are shown), this film has very little to
offer in way of entertainment. The storyline is lethargic and dopey,
the acting sub-par (this is a Spanish production and some of the
actors are dubbed) and the direction is static. Director Joseph
Braunstein is actually Jose Larraz, who directed the erotic (and far
superior) VAMPYRES
(1974); as well as WHIRLPOOL
(a.k.a. PERVERSION FLASH
- 1970); DEVIATION - 1971; THE
HOUSE THAT VANISHED
(a.k.a. SCREAM
AND DIE
-1973); VIOLATION OF THE BITCH
(1978), THE
GOLDEN LADY
(1979); STIGMA (1980); BLACK
CANDLES (1982); REST
IN PIECES
(1987 - filmed back to back with EDGE
with many of the same stars); and SAVAGE
LUST (1989). Patty Shepard and Jack Taylor, both veterans of
Spanish horror cinema, have very little to do here besides being
lambs for the slaughter. To sum it up, EDGE
OF THE AXE
lacks the edge needed to make it a film of viewable quality.
It's like watching grass grow. Also starring Page Moseley, Fred
Holliday and Alicia Moro. A Forum
Home Video Release. Unrated.
THE
EERIE MIDNIGHT HORROR SHOW
(1974) - Here's an Italian EXORCIST
(1973) rip-off (the original Italian title is "L'OSSESSA")
with a slight twist. It deals with demonic sexual possession rather
than straight-up demonic possession. But first a little background:
This film was originally released theatrically to English-speaking
territories under the title ENTER
THE DEVIL, but when it failed to ignite a spark, they
renamed it to the above title to try and fool stoners into believing
they were going to watch a sequel to THE
ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW (1975), even going as far as to
use that film's "red lips" motif, which was the #1 midnight
movie for years. It didn't work, so later theatrical releases used
various titles, such as THE
SEXORCIST, THE
TORMENTED and a few others to try and fool people that they
were going to see different films (not an uncommon practice for genre
films of the 70's & 80's). It also fell into the Public Domain,
where it
was released on many DVD horror compilations and a few stand-alone
VHS & DVD
releases. This was one film I could swear would never make it onto
Blu-Ray, but I'll be damned if Code
Red didn't do just that, releasing the film
in it's original aspect ratio on U.S. home video for the very
first time and I have to say for all the inherent flaws in the print
(emulsion scratches, speckling of dirt), it has never looked better.
It actually made me appreciate the film a lot more than I did when
watching all those muddy PD fullscreen prints that have been floating
around for years. After opening with the standard horror scrawl
"This Film Is Based On A True Story" (yeah, right), we are
introduced to art restorer Danila (Stella Carnacina; NO
WAY OUT - 1973) and her boyfriend Carlo (Gianrico
Tondinelli) as they head to a closed-down deconsecrated church to
meet one of her professors to look for statues to buy (besides being
an art restorer, Danila is also an expert on statues). In Carlo
words, they look at some "moldy old statues", and one in
particular catches Danila's eye immediately: A statue of a strange
man crucified on a cross. The seller tells her that last year a
female tourist took one look at that statue, screamed out that it was
"the work of the Devil" and ran away. Danila asks the
seller why this church was deconsecrated and he replies that a
century earlier, some of the church's members were caught holding
"satanic orgies", so the church was shut down and
deconsecrated. The Professor buys the statue based on Danila's
expertise and they take it back to the restoration room at the
University (Danila rides in the back of the truck to makes sure the
statue doesn't slip off and we can see that the statue is affecting
her somehow). Back at the University, they remove the life-sized
figure from the cross and notice that it was carved out of a single
piece of olive wood (Carlo says, "It's almost like he was born
inside the tree."). That night, Danila goes to a party thrown by
her parents, Mario (Chris Avram; A
BAY OF BLOOD - 1971) and Luisa (Lucretia Love; THE
KILLER RESERVED NINE SEATS - 1974), where people dance to
Hammond organ-heavy instrumental pop music. While Mario is playing
cards with some friends, Luisa and her secret nameless lover
(Gabriele Tinti; ENDGAME
- 1983) sneak into one of the bedrooms for some hanky panky. We then
see Luisa totally nude on the bed while her lover throws rose petals
on her body and then begins whipping her body with the thorny rose
stems, cutting up her breasts and torso. And she likes it! Danila
spies on them going at it through the venetian blinds and then leaves
the party in disgust, heading back to the University to continue
restoring a painting. While she is working on the painting, the
wooden figure behind her comes to life (in the visage of genre actor
Ivan Rassimov; THE HUMANOID
- 1979), whom we soon find out is good old Satan himself! He
strips Danila naked (with one yank of her clothes!) and makes violent
love to her on a table, while fire and brimstone twirl around them
(including the cross he was crucified on catching on fire). We then
see Danila's eyes, as she is continuing to restore the painting. Was
what just happened all in her head? Don't bet on it. Danila tells
Chris what she just experienced, so they decide to move in together,
but first Chris has to go to her parents house to get their blessing,
so he doesn't come off as "irresponsible". Danila goes back
to her apartment to pick up some things, but as she is walking up the
swirling staircase to get to her apartment, she hears footsteps
behind her and then a chorus of people chanting some satanic verse.
She is overcome with sexual desire and starts moaning loudly while
touching herself. When Danila's parents arrive and notice her
pocketbook outside her apartment door, they let themselves in, only
to discover Danila masturbating wildly in her own bed, scratching her
torso with her own fingernails (Luisa immediately thinks back to when
her lover whipped her with the rose stems). While Luisa leaves the
bedroom to call a doctor, Mario asks his daughter, "Did it
hurt?", to which she replies, "I nearly died of
pleasure!" and tries to get Daddy into some incest action. Mario
slaps her senseless and when the doctor arrives, he sedates Danila,
telling her parents that the cause of her bizarre behavior is
probably due to the stress of her job and what she really needs is
some quiet time in the country (Where can I find a doctor like
this?). Danila's parents drive her and Chris to their country estate
(While in the car, Danila, Chris and Mario have a mind-boggling
discussion about bridges and Mario's profession as an architect,
where he says that he designs houses "on a planned economic
program and are designed for a very specified socio-economic
need." WTF?!?), while Luisa acts disinterested and distant. They
get a flat tire and, while Chris and Mario change the tire, Danila
goes exploring and discovers an old building. The caretaker explains
to her that it was once an Etruscan Temple to the god Ba'al and tells
her she is welcome to explore. While she is walking through one of
the building's many underground tunnels, she watches as a satanic
ritual takes place, where a naked woman is on an altar and Satan
himself make an appearance. Satan crucifies Danila by driving spikes
through her hands and feet on a wooden cross (the only real gory
sequence in the entire film). Danila screams, only to discover that
she is in bed in the country estate. Was all that just happened in
her head? Don't bet on it. Mario discovers the scratches on Luisa's
torso and accuses her of "masochistic tomfoolery". He tells
Luisa that he would rather see Danila dead than have her turn into a
whore like her mother. When the doctor notices signs of the stigmata
on Danila's hands and feet, he calls in a psychiatrist and other
professionals. They notice that all signs of the stigmata are
suddenly gone, so they recommend that Danila go through an exorcism
so it will convince her psychologically that she is cured. What they
don't realize is that she is actually possessed. Luisa talks to
Reverend Antonio (Piero Gerhini; CONVOY
BUSTERS - 1978), who assures her that an exorcism is nothing
to be taken lightly and insists on seeing Danila before he agrees
that an exorcism is needed. As soon as Reverend Antonio steps into
Mario & Luisa's country home, Danila begins screaming and banging
her noggin on the headboard of her bed. After just seeing this, the
Reverend believes an exorcism is in order (Really? For screaming and
repeatedly banging her head? She could at least spider-walked down
the stairs or rotated her head 360°.) and has Danila taken to
the Convent Of Our Lady Of Sorrow to prepare her for the exorcism.
The Reverend pulls Father Xeno (Luigi Pistilli; MILANO
CALIBRO 9 - 1972) out of retirement to perform the exorcism,
but Father Xeno is well aware before the Reverend and Chris arrive at
his doorstep that the Devil is afoot (he is already dressed in his
"exorcism" outfit). Before he can perform the exorcism,
they must catch Danila, who has torn the metal grate off her window
and has escaped into town, banging on all the doors with her
blood-soaked hands. They manage to catch her, but Father Xeno's first
try at exorcising Danila turns out badly, as the
good
Father Xeno nearly succumbs to Danila's sexual charms. He goes back
to his room for some self-flagellation to cure him of such sexual
desires. The next time he tries, it becomes much more physical, but
not in a sexual way. Danila rips off several links of a big-ass chain
and begins to whip Father Xeno with it while he speaks the words of
exorcism. Danila froths at the mouth and then begins to throw-up
green chunks of something. We then see Chris touch Danila's face,
which now looks possession-free and the film freezes at that frame
while the end credits roll. There is a lot to dislike about this
film, especially the direction of hack Italian exploitation
specialist Mario Gariazzo, best known on U.S. shores as "Roy
Garrett", who directed such films as the average
"poliziesco" THE
BLOODY HANDS OF THE LAW - 1973; the extremely weird EYES
BEHIND THE STARS - 1977 (probably his best film); the simply
awful sex comedy A COMING OF ALIENS
- 1978; the late-in-the-game giallo film PLAY
MOTEL - 1979; the bad-beyond-words E.T.
THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL (1982) clone BROTHER
FROM SPACE - 1984; the weak cannibal flick AMAZONIA:
THE CATHERINE MILES STORY - 1985; the lame erotic thriller LOVE
WEB (1988); and many others too terrible to mention here (he
passed away in 2002). Bad direction and makeup effects aside (This
film's idea of showing Danila possessed is to blacken her eyes and
give her severely chapped lips!), screenwriter Ambrogio Molteni (with
additional dialogue supplied by overseas dubbing artist supreme Ted
Rusoff) does have a germ of an idea that nearly succeeds, but the
lack of support from the director (In his defense, the disjointed
feel of the film may have something to do with the way it was edited
to achieve an R-Rating in the States, such as Luisa's lover
reappearing two-thirds into the film and threatening her life. We
then never see him again.) and the almost total lack of any
substantial gore nearly does the film in. Nearly. The ample
full-frontal nudity and horrendous dubbing, as well as some highly
atmospheric sequences (the statue first coming to life; the Etruscan
Temple ritual), will keep your mind fully occupied, as you'll be
wondering half the time what in the hell these people are talking
about. Some of the things that come out of their mouths
matter-of-factly will make you rewind the Blu-Ray to make sure you
heard it right. And you probably did. While there are far better
Italian EXORCIST clones, like BEYOND
THE DOOR (1974), THE TEMPTER
(1974) and THE NIGHT CHILD
(1975), where else are you going to see a woman eat her own pubic
hair and take healthy bites out of her bed sheets? I don't think you
will ever see that anywhere but here. Also starring Umberto Raho,
Giuseppe Addabati, Maria Teresa Piaggio, Edoardo Toniolo, Gianni
Benedetto, Elisa Mantellini, and Ignazio Bevilacqua. Originally
released on fullscreen VHS
from Continental Video,
with a terrible fullscreen DVD
from Alpha Video years later (not
counting all the budget releases in between). The widescreen Blu-Ray,
from Code Red, does have
scenes containing emulsion scratches, yet the picture is sharp and
colorful. It is obvious to the human eye that it will never look any
better unless some other company decides to do a major restoration on
it, which I find highly doubtful. It was nice watching the film as it
was originally composed and does add a lot of information to the
screen that was missing from all the other presentations. If you are
in the mood for good-old 70's Italian goofiness, you could do a lot
worse than this. Believe me, I have. Rated R.
ENCOUNTER
WITH THE UNKNOWN (1973) -
Submitted for your approval...oops! Wrong anthology. While Rod
Serling is the (offscreen) narrator of this low-budget supernatural
anthology film, he had nothing to do with the script of any of these
three tales and we are all worse off for it. The film opens with an
on-screen crawl (narrated by someone other than Serling) that states
that between the years of 1949 to 1970, a certain Dr. Jonathan Rankin
(who never existed) documented 453 cases of the paranormal and
discovered that the 453 people involved in those cases are buried in
only 23 cemeteries. These cases have been dubbed the "Rankin
Cluster Phenomena" and the stories that follow are taken from
those case files (Yeah, right!). The first story is about a trio of
friends playing pool who send a horny geek to the house of a girl of
ill repute. Problem is, they send him to the wrong address and he
ends up getting accidentally shot dead by the old woman who lives
there. At the cemetery, the dead geek's mother puts a curse on the
three friends and tells them every seven days one of them will die a
horrible death. After one friend is killed when he is hit with a car,
the second friend hops on a plane on the 14th day after the funeral
and ends up sitting next to a priest. He tells the whole story to the
priest, but the priest tells him it was just a coincidence and God
will protect him. When
the priest disembarks the plane at his stop, the plane crashes on
takeoff, killing the second friend. When the priest (who now believes
the story) tries to warn the third and final friend on the 21st day,
he's too late. He went skydiving. The second story is about a young
boy who loses his dog and discovers a mysterious hole in the middle
of a field. Spooky sounds eminate from the hole, so some townspeople
go to investigate and disagree with each other about what could be in
the hole. The people lower the boy's father down the hole, he screams
(and a photo of him falls off the wall at home, breaking in front of
his wife) and when they pull him up, he's nothing but but a babbling
insane idiot who is eventually committed to an asylum for the rest of
his life. That's the (w)hole story. The third tale is about a Senator
and his wife who stop at a bridge to give a girl a lift (All she says
is, "Take me home!"), only to later discover that she is a
ghost who died when her car went over the bridge many years earlier.
It's an old urban legend told many times before (and much better than
this). The finale recaps all three stories (again!) in painstaking
detail, as the offscreen narrator (again, not Serling) tries to find
a rational supernatural explanation for each story. He fails
miserably and the viewer suffers in ways that would make a hooker
blush. The best way to simply describe this film is awful.
Amateurish in nearly aspect, from the acting, the photography, the
library music score and, especially, the direction by Harry Thomason,
who also gave us SO SAD
ABOUT GLORIA (1973 - a.k.a. VISIONS
OF EVIL) and THE
DAY IT CAME TO EARTH (1977), among others. While the second
tale (about the hole in the ground) does have some creepy moments (it
reminded me a little bit of THE PIT
- 1981), the rest of the film is pretty rough going for the viewer.
It's endlessly talky and padded out with scenes of people walking or
running through fields, cars driving down roads and nature scenes.
The third tale is especially superfluous, as it insists on giving us
the complete backstory of the ghostly girl on the bridge. All that
information (including an achingly-long love ballad that plays while
scenes of the girl and her boyfriend frolic in a field) kills any
supernatural interest the story holds. We all know how that story
ends anyway. This segment never seems to end. The most painful part,
though, is the finale, which condenses the previous 75 minutes and
explains to us what we just saw for another 15 minutes (!), while the
narrator prattles on-and-on, spouting supernatural mumbo-jumbo. It's
rather obvious that this was tacked-on to further pad-out the film's
running time to feature length. For Rod Serling completists only,
although I believe that Harry Thomason must have had something to
hold over Serling's head (Maybe some incriminating photos?) to get
him to narrate a turd like this. Speaking of Thomason, he later
became a successful TV producer with his wife Linda
Bloodworth-Thomason (DESIGNING
WOMEN [1986 - 1993] and EVENING
SHADE [1990 - 1994]) and gained some notoriety with his
involvement in the Whitewater Scandal with good friends Bill and
Hillary Clinton. ENCOUNTER
WITH THE UNKNOWN was filmed in Arkansas and stars many of
the same people that would appear in the films of director S.F.
Brownrigg (DON'T
LOOK IN THE BASEMENT - 1973; KEEP
MY GRAVE OPEN - 1973; POOR
WHITE TRASH PART II - 1974), including Gene Ross, Bill
Thurman, Rosie Holotik and Michael Harvey. Also starring Bob Ginnaven
(a regular Thomason player), Gary Brockette, Robert Holton and John
Leslie. A United
Home Video VHS Release. Also available on a double
feature DVD (in widescreen) from Code
Red, with Juan Piquer Simon's WHERE
TIME BEGAN (1978). Rated PG.
ENCOUNTERS
OF THE SPOOKY KIND (1980) -
Amiable Hong Kong horror comedy that's full of great martial arts
fights as well as some gory supernatural shenanigans. Director Samo
Hung (WHEELS ON MEALS -
1984; HEART OF DRAGON -
1985) stars as Bold Cheung, a poor fat slob who prides himself on his
bravery, when in fact he's scared all the time (even when he sleeps,
he dreams about two angry ghosts who chase him and take bites out of
his flesh). One day, a friend of Cheung's (who has a nasty mole on
the side of his nose that sprouts a huge hair!) challenges him to a
game of "Peel Apple", where Cheung must peel an apple in
front of a mirror without breaking the skin. If the skin isn't in one
piece when he is done peeling, bad supernatural things will happen to
him (Those crazy Chinese and their even crazier superstitions!).
Cheung reluctantly agrees to the challenge and that night begins
peeling an apple alone in front of a mirror at his friend's house,
unaware that his friends have tricked-out the house in an elaborate
practical joke in an attempt to get Cheung to break the skin. Cheung
does just
that; he breaks the skin and actually unleashes a female ghost with
a horribly burned face and extremely long arms, who pulls Cheung's
mole-faced friend into the mirror and tries to do the same to Cheung,
but he cuts-off one of her hands and pins it to the floor with a
knife. Cheung returns home and nearly catches his wife cheating on
him with his boss, Master Tam (Wong Ha). Master Tam wants Cheung
dead, so he has his underling, Lau (Cheung Ti-Hong), hire an expert
in witchcraft, Chin Hoi (Chan Lung), to kill Cheung using his
supernatural powers. Using Cheung's claim to being the bravest man in
town, a deadly trap is set when Cheung is challenged to spend the
night in a haunted temple. Cheung gets some unexpected help from Tsui
(Fat Chung), an associate of Chin Hoi who doesn't believe in using
witchcraft to do harm, especially death. Cheung is locked in the
temple and must follow Tsui's instructions to the letter if he is to
survive the night. The night includes reanimated corpses, hopping
vampires and several close calls, but Cheung escapes with his life,
only to let his damned pride make him accept another bet to spend
another night in the temple for 50 pieces of silver. Cheung once
again gets some help from Tsui to combat Chin Hoi's magic spells, but
when one of the counterspells fails to work, Cheung will have to use
his martial arts skills to battle a hopping vampire, defeating it and
putting Chin Hoi in traction. Cheung returns home to find a pool of
blood on the floor and his wife missing. He is arrested and
imprisoned for his wife's murder (even though her body is not found),
where he learns that he's to be beheaded the following morning!
Cheung breaks out of prison and joins forces with Tsui, where they
fight Chin Hoi in the finale to a battle of witchcraft, which
includes zombies, tiger fighters and Cheung transforming into a
fighting Monkey God (complete with monkey sound effects!). Full
of Samo Hung's patented broad humor and kung fu skills (the man may
be fat, but he can move as quickly and agilely as a man half his
size), as well as some gruesome makeup effects and gravity-defying
wire work, ENCOUNTERS
OF THE SPOOKY KIND (which spawned several sequels
and countless copycats) is engrossing and sometimes hilarious hybrid
of martial arts and horror genres. Samo Hung's much put-upon Cheung
is a comical everyman whose only sin is his vanity. He's says he's
afraid of nothing (the opposite is true) and he suffers greatly for
that sin. Not only does he have to fight reanimated corpses, ghosts
and hopping vampires sent upon him by Chin Hoi, he must also suffer
the indignities of a cheating wife and a boss who would rather have
him dead than find out. This leads to a series of comical martial
arts fights, including one where Cheung fights everyone in a
restaurant with a possessed left arm. Some of the art direction is
truly inspired, especially in the haunted temple, and the weird
visuals on view, including the sight of a naked Cheung painted
head-to-toe with protective spells, makes this film a sure bet for
fans of Hong Kong weirdness. The closing shot, between Cheung and his
unfaithful wife, is one of the most audacious conclusions of any film
I have seen in recent memory. You'll either be cheering Cheung on or
making a call to a battered wife helpline reporting a serious crime.
Also starring Dick Wei, Lam Ching-Ying and To Siu-Ming. Also known as SPOOKY
ENCOUNTERS. A Media Asia Group
DVD Release in Cantonese with removable English subtitles. Not Rated.
END
OF THE LINE (2006) -
Something strange is happening in the Montreal subway system and only
nurse Karen (Ilona Elkin) seems to be picking up on it. The hospital
she works at has seen an upswing in crazy people screaming about
"demons" (one intern comments that there's a full moon
tonight and an eclipse is about to happen in a couple of hours as
well), but when one of Karen's patients, Viviane (Christine Lan),
commits suicide by jumping in front of a subway train after seeing
one of the demons (A man whose mouth has been fused shut with maggots
and worms) and leaves Karen an envelope containing drawings depicting
demons at the hospital and subway, Karen heads down to the subway to
investigate. After nearly getting robbed and raped by scumbag Patrick
(Robin Wilcock) on the platform, Karen is saved by good guy Mike
(Nicolas Wright) and they board the train. This is when things get
extremely weird. The train grounds to a complete stop and Mike is
stabbed in the back by seemingly normal middle-aged Betty (Joan
McBride), who is suddenly brandishing a knife in the shape of a
crucifix after she receives a message on her pager. As a matter of
fact, many people on the train receive the exact same message on
their pagers and they all begin pulling the same type crucifix knife
out of their matching satchels and start stabbing and slicing the
rest of the passengers while
muttering "God is love!" or "God loves you!"
over and over. It seems all these psychos are under the control of
some cult-like figurehead called the "Reverend" (David L.
McCallum; who, up to this point, we only see on poster and pamphlet
covers strewn throughout the hospital and subway system), who leads a
doomsday group called "Voice Of Eternal" and tonight's the
night that the Reverend's prophecy is fulfilled. A bunch of
survivors, including Karen, Mike, Neil (Neil Napier), John (Tim
Rozon), Sarah (Nina M. Fillis), Julie (Emily Shelton), Davis (Danny
Blanco Hall) and Frankie (John Vamvas), escape into the subway
tunnels and temporarily hide in a workers break room, where they
discover all TV and radio signals are blocked (every channel on TV
has a blood-red liquid flowing on-screen). Everyone except Davis and
Frankie (who are subway workers) leave the break room and head
through the tunnels in hopes of reaching the freedom of outside, but
the will have to run a gauntlet, which includes a gang of possessed
young children (one of whom gets a crowbar planted in his head); that
scumbag Patrick, who nearly rapes both Karen and Julie; and a horde
of the Reverend's unholy rollers. When the Reverend makes an
appearance on TV and pleads to all his followers to continue the
killings to "save all their souls", things get even
weirder. By the end of the film, all of the non-believers have
split-up and gone their separate ways looking for ways out of the
subway while being chased by different factions of the Reverend's
followers. Just as it all seems hopeless, all the pagers go off again
with another message and all of the Reverend's followers, with the
exception of Patrick, stop their killing and swallow cyanide
capsules. Is the Apocalypse truly upon us? You'll have to watch the
movie to find out. This is a tight, suspenseful thriller that
greatly benefits from not playing its entire hand too soon.
Director/producer/screenwriter Maurice Devereaux, who previously gave
us the awful BLOOD SYMBOL
(1984/1991) and the decent SLASHERS
(2001), brings his "A" Game here, as there are scenes on
view that will send chills down your spine. One such scene is when
the religious fanatics, led by Betty, tells Frankie to kill his
pregnant wife Brenda (Lori Graham), but when he refuses, Brenda stabs
him instead and then the fanatics take turns stabbing Brenda,
removing her unborn baby from the womb and placing it between Frankie
and Brenda's bodies. Once you witness this atrocity, you will not
soon forget it. Devereaux keeps the viewer on their toes throughout,
as we are never really certain of the extent of this apocalypse (Is
it confined to the subway or is it global, as the Reverend would have
us believe?) and who among the cast is part of the conspiracy. I
won't reveal the ending here, because it will ruin your enjoyment of
what precedes it. The film is bloody as hell, with multiple
stabbings, slit throats, a nasty axe to the head, near-decapitation
by sword, a lower lip bitten off and other gory mayhem, yet there is
no gunplay at all, which is totally refreshing. The standout here is
Robin Wilcock as the rape-happy Patrick, who is willing to go against
the Reverend's puritanical wishes just to get some pussy and when he
reveals later in the film that he's still a virgin, it brings new
layers to the evil he causes. END
OF THE LINE is an exciting, cerebral thriller that never
loses focus, even when it is shifting gears. Good show! Also starring
Kent McQuaid, Robert Vezina and David Schaap. Available on DVD from Anchor
Bay Entertainment/Critical Mass, but be aware that the boneheads
that designed the DVD cover gives the ending away! Unrated.
ENTER
THE DEVIL (1972) -
Surprisingly well-made regional horror film (shot in Terlingua,
Texas) that I never heard of before. When a vacationing rock
collector turns up missing, the county sheriff
sends out his deputy, Jase (David Cass, who also co-wrote the
screenplay), to look for him. Little does he realize that he is about
to become involved in a series of murders committed by "The
Disciples Of Death", a satanic cult whose members include people
in high places. Jases investigation leads him to a hunting
lodge run by Glen Phelps (Josh Bryant) where some of the hunters
disappear. Together, with the help of an anthropologist (Irene Kelly)
whose specialty is "weird cults", Jase and Glen try to
unravel the series of mysterious deaths only to find out that your
friends are not what they seem. For a low-budget horror film, it
delves into some unusual subject matter including illegal aliens,
political intrigue and race relations. Although low in the blood
department (most of the carnage takes place off-screen), this obsure
little thriller (ENTER THE DEVIL
is also known as DISCIPLES
OF DEATH)
is well-acted, tightly paced and contains good location photography.
Director Frank Q. Dobbs later went on to make the asinine western
comedy UPHILL
ALL THE WAY
(1985) and then disappeared into obscurity. Also starring John
Martin, Carle Bensen and Norris Domingue. See if you can find this
film listed in any of the reference books. A Something
Weird Video Release
struck from an extremely scratchy source print. Rated PG.
ESCAPE FROM CORAL COVE (1986) - This is a Hong Kong rip-off of FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980) and not a very good one. A group of spoiled rich kids spend their vacation at the exclusive Coral Cove resort and are stalked and killed by a dead green CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON-like sex maniac (with bugged-out eyes) who was buried at sea. The remaining survivors hire a ghostbuster (!) to rid them of their problem, but are left to their own devices when the ghostbuster is staked through the heart. An amateur scientist injects the sex killer with a formula invented by his bratty kid brother, causing the demon from the deep to inflate and explode. The version I viewed was heavily edited, deleting most of the gore and leaving some major holes in the plot. While it does have some beautiful underwater photography and a spattering of nudity, this film is basically boring stuff, thanks mainly to the severe editing (there is one scene that will take you by surprise, though). Directed and co-written by Terence Chang. Starring Elsie Chan, Yin Cheung Joh, Louis Fong, Fu Lik, Yuen-Ching Leung and Roy Cheung as the creature-like sex killer. Available on VHS & VCD from Ocean Shores Home Video in the edited form. There is an official DVD of ESCAPE FROM CORAL COVE floating around on some unknown label, but stories abound that only the 81 minute edited version exists and that it was trimmed before it was shown theatrically. We may never see the uncut version. Not Rated, but no harder than a soft R in this version. Subtitled in Chinese and English.
THE
ETERNAL EVIL OF ASIA (1995) -
Crazy Hong Kong horror film about hexes and enchantments. We are
first informed about how the bodies of recently deceased children are
used to carry out hexes (apparently, dead children like to go to the
movies, so if one asks you to take him/her to the bathroom in the
middle of watching a film, you will more than likely not come back
alive!). The film then switches to a father who is yelling at his son
for eating too much Cup O' Noodles ("Don't you know they kill
you!"). We then see a mysterious man walking down an alley
(stray cats explode as he walks by!) carrying a voodoo doll with the
father's photo on it. The father, who has just buried his elderly
parents, gets a phone call from his mother and father telling him
that it's cold where they are. As the mysterious man throws dirt on
and then pierces the voodoo doll's head with a needle, the father
sees his dead parents in the apartment and hacks away at them with a
meat cleaver, not knowing he is actually killing his wife and son
(and two neighbors who show up at his door to complain about the
noise). When the doll is set on fire, the father falls off his
terrace and is impaled on some flourescent light
tubes below. We then view a bunch of chatty women at a hair salon
talking about marriage, sex and enchantments. The mysterious man has
put a hex (using another voodoo doll) on May's (Ellen Chan)
boyfriend, Bon (Chan Kwok-Bong), and when they have sex later that
night, Bon is unable to perform (He hits himself in the crotch and
screams, "My little dick!"). After some supernatural,
ghostly stuff happens at the salon, May goes to a good witch, who
believes all this bad luck is related to a trip her boyfriend took to
Thailand a few weeks earlier with three of his friends (the father
who took a header off the terrace was a member of that party). The
good witch puts an enchanted worm into May's body for protection
(don't ask) and tells her to find out exactly what happened on that
Thailand trip. May confronts Bon (who is visited by the ghost
of the dead father, who has flashing flourescent tubes protruding out
of his body) and he reluctantly tells her the truth. It seems that
when they were in Thailand, Bon and his three friends visited a
whorehouse, got into trouble (a hooker in the whorehouse screams out,
"I've got AIDS!"), ended up lost in the woods and happened
upon the mysterious man's house, who turns out to be a wizard. Things
rapidly go downhill from there. It involves sex slaves, competing
wizards, lots of ooze, some wirework stunts and a love potion that
ends up it the wrong hands. Things pick up considerably in this
Cat III film once Bon relates his Thailand flashback. Some of the
surreal scenes include: The wizard turning the head of Kong (Elvis
Tsui) into a giant penis, complete with piss squirting out of the top
when he gets nervous (One of his friends says, "You are an ugly
dickhead!"); Two competing male/female wizards who fly through
the air while fucking doggie-style; A cursed friend turns into a
cannibal in a busy restaurant (he bites off the hand of a female
patron), which results in him eating his own left arm before he dies;
and many more outrageous scenes. As with many of the Cat III titles
of the time (the equivalent of an NC-17 rating in our country), there
is plenty of nudity and sex to go along with the violence, but some
of the sex scenes seem edited, especially the scene of Bon's three
friends raping the wizard's sister (it's really not their fault,
since the sister meant the love potion to be delivered to Bon, but
his three friends receive it instead), which is the reason why the
wizard (who looks like Jet Li's twin brother) is killing the four
friends. Director Chin Man Kei (SEX
&
ZEN 2
- 1996; THE HAUNTED SCHOOL
- 2006) fills the screen with flashy camerawork, bloody violence
(including a tribute to Pinhead in HELLRAISER
- 1987), off-the-wall humor (some of it way beyond the boundaries of
good taste) and the prerequisite fights between good and bad wizards.
Since most Asian horror films nowadays are more concerned with ghosts
of the wet stringy-haired variety who hide in the shadows, it's nice
to watch one that's a throwback to 70's & 80's Hong Kong horror
cinema, with a modern sexual twist (wait until you witness the
invisible fellatio scene!). Worth your time. Also starring Lily
Chung, Ben Ng, Julie Lee, Bobby Au Yeung, Ng Shui Ting, Yuen King Tan
and Baat Leung Gam. Available on DVD by Tai
Seng Video Marketing with burned-in Mandarin and English
subtitles, some of the translations being extremely funny. I
especially liked when the Thai wizard called Bon and his three
friends "Hongkies"! Not Rated.
THE
EVIL (1977) - The haunted house has
been a major subject in horror films since the days of the silents,
but the 70's turned out some very good (if not great) ones, including THE
LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE (1973; one of my all-time favs); BURNT
OFFERINGS (1976); THE SENTINEL
(1977; actually a haunted apartment building, but let's not be
picky); THE LEGACY - 1979; THE
AMITYVILLE HORROR (1979); and many more. More than most of
them have been a doorway to Hell which is blocked by a religious
object or person, who sometimes win and sometimes fail spectacularly.
Well, I'm glad to report that this Roger Corman-financed film (he's
an uncredited Executive Producer) manages to work all of those ideas
into a scant 89 minutes and it is gory (but, sadly, no nudity) as the
70's would allow an R-Rated film. The film opens as caretaker Sam (Ed
Bakey) enters the cursed "Vargas House" and mumbles to
himself how rumors of death to those who broke in have occurred
there. He is preparing the house for a new couple (more on them
later) and goes down to the basement to clean the boiler which, by
the looks of it, hasn't been used in 100 years. Suddenly, the boiler
shoots out a large plume of fire and Sam is engulfed in flames,
running aimlessly for his life. Cut to Professor C. J. Arnold
(Richard Crenna (DEATH SHIP
- 1980), a college professor who has no room for God in his life
because he only believes in the tangibles, and his wife Dr. Caroline
Arnold (Joanna Pettet; DOUBLE
EXPOSURE - 1982), who will soon prove has powers that her
husband will put his life on the line for.
They are being shown the "Vargas House" by a Realtor (the
late Milton Selzer), who explains the whole sordid history of the
house (it hasn't been occupied for the last hundred years since Dr.
Vargas died and no one wants to live in it; one time the city council
voted to tear it down but changed their minds) and since C.J. doesn't
believe in curses or such things, he immediately accepts the offer to
buy the house. As soon as Caroline enters the door, she sees a
specter (turns out it is the spirit of Dr. Vargas), who points her to
a plaque outside which says: "Disturb not he who is held in here
with chains." Since Caroline knows her husband won't believe
her, she keeps what she has seen and read to herself. The Professor
and his wife are soon joined by a few of their friends: Professor
Raymond Guy (Andrew Prine; BARN
OF THE NAKED DEAD - 1974), who is much more down to Earth
and is willing to believe anything (within reason); his not-so-secret
squeeze Laurie Belman (Mary Louise Weller); Pete Brooks (George
O'Hanlon Jr.); Felicia Allen (Lynne Moody); Mary Harper (Cassie
Yates) and her dog Kaiser; and handyman Dwight (Robert Viharo; BARE
KNUCKLES - 1977; here billed as "George Viharo").
It's not soon after everyone is in the house that the supernatural
fun begins. When one of the girls finds herself trapped in the air,
hanging by a cable, Dwight offers to help, only to have an electric
cable fall from the ceiling, wrap around his neck and electrocute
him. Kaiser starts acting strange and runs to hide in the house; when
he is found by Mary, he attacks her and seriously punctures her neck.
Two of the girls find the toasted body of Sam when they check the box
of a dumbwaiter and he comes rolling out. But the real fun starts
when C.J. goes down to the basement and finds a hidden door in the
floor with an iron cross across the handles protecting whatever is
inside from coming out. C.J. pulls out the cross and is then called
by his wife to come upstairs to see something. It is then, as soon as
C.J. leaves the basement, that the door bursts open and the house
starts to shake like it was hit by an earthquake. All the window
shutters and doors close (most of the windows have bars on them, so
there is no escape from them) and no matter how hard they try, there
is no way out of the house. Felicia is attacked by an invisible
force, who tosses her around like a ragdoll and tears off all her
clothes except for her bra and panties, all while an unseen voice
cackles with delight. When C.J. and Pete find a way to escape from an
upper floor, they use some cable to try and lower Pete down, but the
cable becomes too hot and Pete catches on fire and falls to his death
(Fire plays an important part in the plot, which everyone will soon
find out). Raymond nearly cuts off his hand with a portable circular
saw when he is possessed and Mary is pushed off a stairway balcony by
Kaiser, where she and the dog die on the hard floor below. Pretty
soon no one but C.J. and Caroline are left (You didn't think I was
going to tell you how everyone died did you? OK, just one more:
Raymond dives through an unshuttered, unbarred window and screams
"I'm free!", but he ends up sinking to his death in a pit
of quicksand where the plaque stands. The window then becomes whole
again [thanks to reverse photography] like nothing happened.) and
they have to go into the open door in the floor in the basement to
face whatever is down there. Turns out it is The Devil himself
(played very creepily by the late Victor Buono; MOONCHILD
- 1972), who is trapped in an all-white room, and he decides to have
some fun with C.J. because of his disbelief in Heaven and Hell. He
encourages C.J. to yell out God's name to see if he will give him any
help, but before C.J. gets the chance to, Caroline plants the iron
cross into The Devil's chest, just long enough for them to get away
(The Devil pulls out the cross and throws it in their direction.
Stupid move, Satan!). Caroline and C.J. manage to make it to the
basement and close the door, sealing it with the iron cross. The
world is safe once again from the Devil's Doorway to Earth. All the
doors and windows open, allowing C.J. and Caroline to leave the
house, and C.J. finally sees the specter of Dr. Vargas, who was a
good spirit all along. Maybe C.J.'s views of Heaven and Hell will
change in the next semester he teaches. Director Gus Trikonis (THE
SWINGING BARMAIDS - 1975; THE
STUDENT BODY - 1976; MOONSHINE
COUNTY EXPRESS - 1977; THE
DARKER SIDE OF TERROR - 1979; and plenty more theatrical
films, TV movies and TV series episodes until he suddenly stopped in
2001), who was married to actress Goldie Hawn from 1969 to 1974,
delivers an pretty good horror film from what is obviously a low
budget (I'm sure the lion's share went to Richard Crenna's paycheck).
There are plenty of scares and inventive deaths (late actor Galen
Thompson [who appears here as the specter of Dr. Vargas] co-wrote the
screenplay [with Trikonis] using the pseudonym "Donald G.
Thompson", the same name he used to write the screenplay to the
eerily similar SUPERSTITION
in 1982, even using a circular saw blade gag). It's hard to believe
that some TV showings of this film completely edited out Victor
Buono's appearance. He is very effective here and downright
believable as The Devil (His delivery of some of his dialogue will
send chills down your spine). Maybe network execs were afraid that
the film would make children afraid of the Devil (well, duh!).
Cutting out Buono's performance is like cutting Marlon's Brando's in APOCALYPSE
NOW (1979). It is just absurd. All-in-all, THE
EVIL is a great addition to your library of horror films.
Originally released on fullscreen VHS by Embassy
Home Entertainment. Shout! Factory
offers a nice anamorphic widescreen print on a double feature DVD
with the underrated 1988 horror film TWICE
DEAD as part of their now-defunct "Roger Corman Cult
Classics" line. I remember that HBO use to play this film
constantly during the late-70's & early-80's, but seeing it in
widescreen for the first time really adds an extra dimension to the
film. Rated R.
EVIL
ALTAR (1987) - Thirty years ago,
warlock Reed Weller (William Smith) annoints a new
"Collector" and tells him to procure "103 healthy
children and the last one must be a virgin". Cut to the present
and the Collector (Pepper Martin) brings Weller child #99, a kid he
cracked over the head with a baseball bat at a local baseball game.
Weller gets pissed off because he specifically said "no local
children" because he wanted no unneeded attention brought to the
town. The Collector then kidnaps visiting Black child Troy Long
(Marcus Wyatt) from a gas station and his worried father Daley (Tal
Armstrong), a powerful California lawyer, calls Sheriff O'Connell
(Robert Z'Dar) to start searching for his son. When local hunter Stu
Connors (David Campbell) and his daughter Teri (Theresa Cooney)
mistakenly shoot and kill the Collector when hunting for deer, it
becomes apparent that the sheriff and nearly everyone else in town is
under control of Weller, who has used his sorcery to
grant "favors" to the townspeople in return for their
undying loyalty. The sheriff delivers Troy and the Collector's body
to Weller, who performs a ritual and brings the Collector back to
life. Daley begins asking questions in town and the only person who
will talk to him is Josh (Jack Vogel), Teri's brother. It seems Teri
is a virgin and will be Weller's 103rd sacrifice when the time is
right. The Collector appears to Teri one night (he pulls the bullet
she shot out of his heart in front of her) and tells her that she'll
be next. She then begins to see him everywhere; on the street, in her
bedroom and even on the TV. No one will believe her except Josh, who
knows something has been very wrong in this town since his and Teri's
mother was killed and their father's bimbo mistress moved in the very
next day (all thanks to Weller's satanic powers). When a magical
floating baseball (!) crashes through Teri's bedroom window one
night, destroys her room and nearly kills her, Teri, Josh and
girlfriend Lisa (Connie Lolan) douse the Collector with gasoline and
set him on fire. The sheriff shows up and Josh realizes that they are
on their own. When Teri is kidnapped by Weller, Josh, Lisa and Daley
team up to rescue Teri and Troy. They are too late to save Troy
(which only makes Daley more pissed), so they raid Weller's house and
must fight Weller's supernatural powers as well as the sheriff and
his itchy trigger finger. Can the forces of good defeat the powers of
evil? Prepare yourself for one head-scratcher of an ending. I
really don't know what to make of this weird little horror film.
Stuntman-turned-director Jim Winburn (THE
DEATH MERCHANT - 1991) has crafted a tale of small town
horror, but there is precious little back story to go along with the
horror. My biggest question is this: Since it's quite apparent that
Reed Weller has the power to perform many supernatural acts (like
raise the dead and grant the townspeople's wishes), why does he need
to kill 103 kids? How much power does one person need? The film's
heart is in the right place, though (screenplay by Brent Friedman,
Scott Rose and John Geilfuss), as big Bill Smith (with satanic
symbols tattoed on his bald head) is effective as Weller, Pepper
Martin (SCREAM -
1981) is creepy as the Collector and some scenes are inventive (Stu's
death after disobeying Weller is one such scene, as well as when
Daley realizes that he has to kill his son to find peace). There's a
lot to like here (it's not very gory, but it is very violent), but I
wish there were more motivations behind the killings. It would have
added a little meat to go along with the potatoes. This film is
usually rated as a bomb (or lower) by nearly every reviewer I have
read. Either I watched this while I was having a very good night or I
managed to look past some of the mistakes (the boom mike in the
frame, flubbed lines, etc.) and chose to enjoy it as an atmospheric
little chiller. Nothing special, mind you, just enjoyable. Also
starring John Powers, Lee Night, Patrick Fahey and Norman Shore. A Southgate
Entertainment Home Video Release. Rated R.
EVIL
CAT (1986) - Another strange film from
director Dennis Yu (THE BEASTS
- 1980; THE IMP - 1981),
this one dealing with supernatural possession. A bulldozer in a
quarry unearths a huge stone tablet with ancient writing on it that
is covering a deep shaft. When the tablet is lifted by the quarry
crew, revealing the shaft, a surge of electrical energy shoots out of
it, which seems to affect Master Cheung (Lar Kar Leung) clear across
town. He walks home and pulls a bow and three magical arrows from
under his bed and then mutters, "It has been 50 years that you
finally appear!" He treks over to the quarry and a flashback
reveals how fifty years earlier, he and his father trapped a demon
known as Evil Cat down the shaft, but Cheung had to kill his father
in the process. With his dying breath, his father warns him that
"this possessed cat has nine lives" and it has already been
defeated eight times by members of his family every fifty years for
the past four hundred years. It is now Master Cheung's turn to fight
the Evil Cat, but he better do it quick because, according to his
medical records, he is dying from cancer and only has a short time to
live. We then switch over to the highrise building which houses the
Fan Holding Company. It seems Evil Cat has taken up residence in the
building, killing multiple security guards and personnel before
possessing the body of the business's millionaire owner, Mr. Fan
(Stuart Ong). Master Cheung, with the help of Mr. Fan's limo driver,
Long (Mark Cheng), prepare to do battle with Evil
Cat (Cheung gives Long a magical necklace, but tells him to throw it
away if he's still alive in seven days). Inspector Wu (Wong Ching,
who also wrote the screenplay), is assigned to investigate the
slaughter at the highrise and is happy to find female TV reporter Siu
Chen (Tang Lai Ying) is already on the scene, since he has a huge
crush on her. As luck would have it, Siu Chen is the daughter of
Master Cheung, but when she sees her father at the crime scene, she
doesn't believe his story and threatens to send him to a sanitarium
for his final days (What a bitch!). She doesn't believe in spirits or
evil and thinks her father is an old, superstitious fool. Mr. Fan
begins acting strange, ordering his staff at home (including Long) to
go to bed early and not to disturb him after midnight. Long gets
hungry late that night and goes to the kitchen, only to spot Mr. Fan
outside with his face immersed in the coy pond. When Mr. Fan comes up
for air and has a live fish in his mouth (!), he spots Long and
attacks him, which leads to a wild car ride to Long's mother's house.
His Mom fights off Evil Cat/Mr. Fan by throwing a statue of Buddha at
him (!) and Long goes to Master Cheung, who is now staying at Siu
Chen's home, for help. Siu Chen thinks Long is as crazy as her
father, but even she will soon come to believe as more murders take
place. Cheung kills Mr. Fan with one of the magical arrows but is
stopped from finishing off Evil Cat when Inspector Wu intervenes.
Evil Cat has now jumped into the body of Mr. Fan's sexy mistress,
Tina (Tsiu Suk Woon), and it's very, very, pissed. This wild
horror film contains many action-packed and gory set-pieces but,
thankfully, doesn't take itself too seriously. Where director Dennis
Yu's THE BEASTS was a relentlessly grim rape/revenge
exploitationer (with hardcore sex inserts), he gives EVIL
CAT a much lighter tone, but doesn't sacrifice shocks or
gore in the process. The relationship between Master Cheung and Long
is a delight, especially the sequence where Cheung tries to teach an
impatient Long how to gain magical powers and Long tries to cheat at
every opportunity, usually with disasterous results. There are many
"out-there" scenes, including the car ride, a sequence
where Mr. Fan traps Long in his office and the rape/possession of
Tina, but they all take a backseat to the amazing final twenty
minutes, when Tina/Evil Cat lays waste to an entire police station,
where she/it decapitates cops by swatting at their heads, thrusts her
hands through bodies, tosses people around like they are ragdolls,
detaches her own arms to strangle Master Cheung (who is at least 50
feet away from her!), all while taking multiple bullet hits to her
head and body. It's guaranteed to get your heart racing. But, until
then, there's plenty of carnage to keep you happy, including
impalements, limb removal, a tongue biting and a comical case of mass
vomiting. If there are any complaints about this film, it's that Wong
Ching's portrayal of Inspector Wu is a little too broad for my tastes
(How did a buffoon like this become an Inspector?), the English
subtitles leave a lot to be desired and the final shot defies the
legend of Evil Cat that was explained in the beginning (Cats don't
have ten lives). Don't let these minor quibbles stop you from seeing
this, though. It's a wonderful piece of Hong Kong horror/action
cinema. A Fortune Star/Deltamac DVD Release. Not Rated.
EVIL
CLUTCH (1988) - This late-'80s
Italian horror film is short on logic and the story is all over the
place, but if you want scene-after-scene of unrated gore, you've come
to the right place (that's not an endorsement).
In the Swiss Alps, a young man in overalls (Stefano Molinari; DEMONS
2 - 1986) takes a long walk in the woods and enters a
dilapidated shack, where female witch Arva (Elena Cantarone) says,
"I knew you would come
back. Now you will be under my power forever!" Forever isn't
nearly long enough for, as he kisses her body, a claw comes out of
her vagina (!) and rips his frank and beans off. He then stumbles out
of the shack holding his bloody crotch, dying as he opens the door.
Arva turns into a fanged creature (a vampire?) and laughs as she
fondles the young man's severed penis and testicles. What does this
have to do with the rest of the film? Damned if I know!
"Not long after..." A young couple on vacation, Cindy
(Coralina C. Tassoni; MOTHER
OF TEARS - 2007) and Tony (Diego Ribon), are driving through
the Alps when Arva runs out in front of their Jeep Laredo, almost
hitting her. Arva tells them that a man tried to attack her in the
cemetery, so Tony checks out the cemetery (lots of Stedicam
photography), but he finds nothing, telling Arva and Cindy no one was
there, but he got the strange feeling that someone or something was
watching him. Arva asks for a ride to the village and they oblige,
not knowing strange the powers she has. When they get to the village,
Arva is scared away by a man on a motorcycle, Algernoon (Luciano
Crovato). He asks the young couple if they knew Arva and they tell
him what happened at the cemetery. Algernoon says Arva lives in the
village and he has something to show them. Tony and Cindy follow him
and he apologizes for talking like a robot (his voice box has been
replaced by a mechanical voice box), telling them it was the result
after a third tumor was removed from his neck. Algernoon is a writer
of supernatural stories, saying he moved to this village for the
solitude and to be "away from pity." He tells the couple
that these mountains are cursed and continues, "Many hundreds of
years ago, the Simbers, a mysterious people, lived here, isolated
from the rest of the world. They practiced strange, evil rites,
conjuring up demonic forms, which danced with the priestesses.
Unluckily, everybody thinks it was only a legend, so nobody hunts
them anymore. But now they are back. They force their victims to
participate in repugnant rites after luring them to abandoned old
holes (!), where they finally sacrifice them." Why does he tell
them this story? Damned if I know!
After leading the couple through the woods, Algernoon stops at a
waterfall and tells them another story (nooooo!), in which Tony
becomes possessed by something "disgusting", pulls out a
switchblade and chases Cindy on a beach. He breaks Cindy's neck and
buries her in the sand, but she rises from the dead, looking for
revenge. We then see the decomposing Cindy attacking Tony and
crushing his head with her bare hands. What does this story have to
do with anything? Damned if I know!
Tony and Cindy become disgusted with Algernoon's stories, so they
leave him in the woods, get into their Jeep and drive off. Cindy
wants to go back to Vienna, but Tony says no, it will be fun to hike
in the Alps (Is he mad?). They pull over to the side of the road,
collect their camping equipment and discover that Algernoon has
followed them. He tells the couple that the Alps are evil and things
are more dangerous than they seem. Cindy and Tony tell him to get
lost, so he wishes them nothing but fun and leaves. Tony and Cindy go
hiking in the woods, whistling a Snow White tune (!), when Cindy is
nearly crushed by a falling tree. They stop at a stream to get some
water (Camping without water?) and they see Arva is there. She
invites them to stay at her house and they stupidly agree. We then
see something is following them (more Stedicam work) and when Cindy
feels it, Arva says don't worry, it's nothing. We also see that
Algernoon is following them. After a long trek, they arrive at Arva's
house (the shack we saw at the beginning of the film). The shack is
surrounded by ruins and Arva tells them that there's a secret tunnel
in the ruins that leads to a fresh water spring. Is this important?
Damned if I know!
While Cindy is outside admiring the sunset, Arva pulls out some
cocaine (!) and both she and Tony partake, when an oily-like substance
splashes in Tony's face. It is now dark out and Tony and Arva join
Cindy outside. Tony discovers some ancient writing on one of the
ruins and a mysterious flammable liquid (Tony: "What's
this stuff?" Arva: "It's great!"). Tony begins
to feel sick and blames it on the oily substance that splashed his
face. Cindy gets angry and tells Arva to leave, which she does (Hey,
this is her property!). Tony begins talking in a strange language and
then the really strange shit begins to happen (Tony: "I'm
a-scared!"). Does any of this make any sense? Damned if I know!
I could go on detailing what happens next, but it is obvious
director/screenwriter Andreas Marfori (SOVIET
ZOMBIE INVASION - 2016) has seen both THE
EVIL DEAD - 1981 and DEMONS
(1985) one too many times. Like the former, it shows the evil in the
woods as a fast-moving POV, as the camera moves quickly through the
forest (While Sam Raimi and friends achieved this look using a
makeshift Stedicam by attaching their camera to a 2X4, this film
looks like it is using the real thing). Like the latter, the makeup
of the demon Fango (a transformed young man in overalls from the
beginning of the film) is strikingly similar to Lamberto Bava's film.
Sadly, nothing here makes a lick of sense. It's like suffering
through a fever dream, as the film is nothing but a collection of
gore scenes, none of them connected to each other. We see Fango use
Cindy for fishing practice, as he grabs a fishing pole and hooks her
on her face, but the next scene shows her face untouched. Cindy even
uses a chainsaw on Fango, but the next scene shows Fango whole again.
It's sloppiness like this that makes the film a tough slog (at least
for me) to finish. People get decapitated, lose their limbs (and
manhood), Tony has his hands crushed by Fango and other bloody
hijinks, all of it extremely gory and well done, but good gore
without a coherent story does not make a good film. When Cindy yells,
"Is there an end to all of this?", you'll be wondering the
same thing, as it runs an extremely long 86 minutes, proving that
gore without story is boring (at least to me, but gorehounds will
probably disagree). Shot as IL
BOSCO 1 ("The Woods 1"), it should come as no
surprise that Troma picked this up for a (limited) theatrical
release, a few VHS releases (one by Rhino
Video) and eventually releasing it on (fullscreen) DVD, but no
Blu-Ray at the time of this review. If you want to see how not to
make a horror film, by all means, search this out. It's not that hard
to find. This review comes from the uncut, fullscreen streaming
version I saw free on Amazon Prime. It can also be picked up fairly
cheaply on DVD (about $10.00) if you wish to add this film to your
library. But why would you want to do that? Damned if I know! Not Rated.
EVIL
ED (1995) -
This lamebrained Swedish-made gore comedy tells the story of Ed
(Johan Rudebeck), a film editor hired to cut out all the more violent
parts of the fictitious "Loose Limb" series of horror
films for distribution in European countries that have stringent
censorship laws. The previous editor found the task so daunting that
he blew his head off by sticking a hand grenade in his mouth! Our new
editor doesnt particularly enjoy the job but, because he needs
the money, agrees to edit the 8-part series. After viewing scene upon
scene of hacked-off limbs and bloody murders, Ed begins to
hallucinate various graphic acts, such as cutting into an arm when he
is actually slicing a loaf of bread and viewing a grotesque
vulgarity-spewing monster in his refrigerator. Ed starts killing for
real and likes it, so he starts murdering anyone he can get his hands
on. Neck snappings, beheadings, electrocutions and a skull split down
the middle follow. One wonders what director/screenwriter/photographer/editor
Anders Jacobsson was trying to say here. Does he believe that
watching violence causes violent behavior or is it his way of making
fun of this controversial issue? I tend to lean towards the latter
but Ill bet that some anti-violence media whores will view this
as a documentary of our society today. Available in Unrated and
R-rated versions, you should probably avoid the R-rated cut as it
excises all the bloody deaths that Ed is supposed to be editing out
of the films. Maybe Ed edited the R-rated version as it destroys any
impact that the film has in the first place. Ironic isnt it?
Even though all the actors speak English, they are overdubbed by
others with a special voice appearance by Bill Moseley (TEXAS
CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2
- 1986). Also starring Olaf Rhodin, Per Lofberg and Camela Leierth.
An A-PIX H.V. Release. Unrated.
EVIL
LAUGH (1986) - Another annoying
teen horror film that has nothing to offer the viewer except bad
acting, lame effects and illogical situations. To give you an idea
what to expect: In the beginning of the film, a guy complains that he
doesn't have any liver to serve for dinner. The cackling unseen
killer stabs the guy with a butcher knife and cuts out his liver,
placing the still-steaming organ on a dinner plate. Get it? Ha! A
group of kids converge on a long-abandoned building to help a friend
(the guy who had his liver removed) clean it up so he can turn it
into a pediatric clinic. What most of them don't know is that years
ago the building was an orphanage where a series of brutal murders
took place. Someone doesn't want the kids messing with the building,
as an unseen maniacally-laughing psycho begins dispatching them in various
unimaginative ways. Between scenes of bad dancing (and terrible
original rock songs), horny sex and in-fighting between the young
cast, the chuckling weirdo begins the killing spree. A delivery boy
is offed with a power drill (off-screen), a couple having sex are
butchered with a knife, another guy is stabbed in the crotch and so
on. The cast learns about Martin, the murderer who committed the
murders in this building years before and we are left to wonder if it
is indeed Martin who is killing the kids (or is it someone closer?).
Barney (Jerold Pearson), a horror movie fan, is the only voice of
reason, wanting everyone to leave the house before they all get
killed (He even warns his friends not to have sex because, in horror
films, anyone who has sex dies, predating a similar scene in SCREAM
by over ten years). No one believes him and most of them are killed
before the remaining members finally believe. Barney discovers an
audio cassette containing the killer's voice saying no one in the
house deserves to live. When the killer is finally unmasked, you'll
be punching your TV in retaliation for having been cheated out of 85
minutes of your life. You may just kick your dog after having to view
the preposterous "surprise" ending. Guaranteed to
bore you after ten minutes, EVIL LAUGH
seems to pull away when it should be charging ahead. Director
Dominick Brascia (HARD ROCK NIGHTMARE
- 1988; who also co-wrote and co-produced this with star Steven Baio,
who looks like [and is] Scott Baio's emaciated brother) doesn't let
us see most of the killings and tosses in numerous references to FRIDAY
THE 13TH (1980) and HALLOWEEN
(1978), cheap sex jokes and shows issues of Fangoria every now and
then to give the film some street cred. The acting is pretty erratic,
ranging from OK (Baio) to unbelievably bad (the guy who played the
cop). That's a shame, because most of the film is filled with endless
dialogue scenes with people spouting inane lines like, "10:30?
By God, it's the middle of the night!" By the time the killing
spree kicks in, you'll either be sound asleep or scratching your
balls in anticipation. One way, you'll be rested and relaxed. The
other way will only get you looks of disgust by those around you and
you'll be bitterly disappointed to boot (as well as having sore
balls). What you will see is a lame axe to the head, a knife to the
groin (the tip protrudes out of the guy's ass) and Steven Baio having
his head shoved in a microwave oven. None of the effects are well
done or filmed in any way to give them impact. EVIL
LAUGH is a minor slasher film that doesn't have one original
idea in it's tiny little head. It was supposedly shot in one week and
it shows. Also starring Kim McKamy, Tony Griffin, Jody Gibson, Johnny
Venocur, Myles O'Brien, Howard Weiss and Susan Grant. Krishna Shah,
the director of HARD ROCK ZOMBIES
(1985), was one of the Executive Producers. A Celebrity Home
Entertainment VHS Release. Also released on fullscreen
DVD by the now-defunct Lucky 13 label. Rated R.
EVIL
REMAINS (2003) - Uninvolving
and boring Louisiana-lensed horror flick originally released as TRESSPASSING
(the version I watched on Amazon Prime through my Roku streaming
player [an excellent device, especially the Roku 3] had this title).
College student Mark (Daniel Gillies) is doing his thesis on myths
and legends, trying to prove that they were once based on truth
before being blown out of proportion over time. He interviews Dr.
Theodore Rosen (Kurtwood Smith in what amounts to an extended cameo
in the beginning and end of the film. He is also the best thing about
this film.) about the legend of Carl Bryce, who, ten years earlier,
first killed his dog, made a mask out of the skull and then killed
his father (Will Rokos) with a pair of garden shears and burned his
mother (Maryam d'Abo) alive by pouring gasoline over her body and
then setting her on fire (this sequence opens the film). Legend has
it that anyone who sets foot on the Bryce property will become
insane, not trust anyone and may be murdered by Carl, who was never
found. After a stern warning by Dr. Rosen not to set foot on the
property, Mark decides not to take his
suggestion and brings his brothers Eric (Jeff Davis) and Tyler
(Clayne Crawford), as well as lesbian lover friends Kristy (Estella
Warren) and Sharon (Ashley Scott), along with him to the Bryce
property to help him document his thesis with video and sound. As
soon as they set foot on the property, the three brothers investigate
the inside of the house, while Kristy and Sharon walk through the
woods surrounding the house. From the moment they step into the
house, the brothers begin to hear voices and creaking floorboards and
Tyler photographs a figure in a dog skull mask on his Polaroid camera
in the basement. Eric ends up missing, so Mark and Tyler head to the
attic after witnessing one of the bedroom walls seeping blood. They
find Eric hanging upside down, his throat slashed and tied to boards
like an upside down Jesus on the cross. Paranoia quickly begins
setting in both Mark and Tyler, who blame each other for Eric's death
and there's talk about Tyler murdering their abusive father when they
were kids. Meanwhile, Kristy and Sharon find a whole bunch of animal
traps littering the woods (Kristy frees a rabbit caught in one) and
Sharon accidentally steps on one, injuring her foot. Kristy
uses a tree branch to set off every trap she finds and, as she
disables the final one while heading back to the house with a limping
Sharon, Tyler is killed in the attic when he walks directly into a
giant bear trap that impales his body from head to toe. Mark is then
chased throughout the house by Carl and as Mark makes it out the
front door, Kristy and Sharon see him pulled inside by the dog skull
masked killer. Kristy and Sharon then fall into a trap next to the
house and are locked inside it by Carl. Kristy is able to loosen some
bars that lead to a tunnel to the house's basement, as they both
become more and more paranoid (especially Sharon, who I wanted to
kick in the face). Sharon is killed by Carl and Kristy is chased
through the woods, finally making it to freedom when a tractor
trailer hits Carl and splatters him into a million pieces. Four years
later, a girl interviews Dr. Rosen about Kristy, who now permanently
resides in a mental institution, convicted of killing all her friends
when no trace of Karl can be found on the truck that hit him. Dr.
Rosen tells the girl that he believes that Kristy is innocent and
warns the girl not to go on the Bryce property because it brings out
the worse in people. THE END. Director/writer James Merendino (WITCHCRAFT
IV: VIRGIN HEART - 1992; SLC PUNK!
- 1998) offers nothing new to the horror genre besides some lush
Louisiana scenery and a cheap jump scare here and there. All the
characters are terribly underwritten, so we really feel nothing for
them when they die. The only interesting thing about this film
(besides Kurtwood Smith, who is listed in the opening credits, but
not the closing ones) is the insane music that plays over the closing
credits. It's genuinely creepy, something which the rest of the film
tried to achieve, but failed miserably. Although the film is not
terribly acted, there is almost a total lack of blood (except for the
bedroom wall, the sight of a murdered Eric and the stabbing death of
a welder who calls the police for Kristy). Why bother making a stalk
'n' slash flick and be stingy on the slash? I can't in good
conscience recommend this film. It's not terrible, just boringly
ordinary. Also starring Brandon Martin, Rusty Tennant and Jeff Galpin
as Carl Bryce. A Screen
Media Films DVD Release. Rated R.
EVIL
TOWN (1974/1985) -
Mardi "Anything For A Buck" Rustam strikes again. He has
taken a little-seen horror film from 1974 called GOD
BLESS DAMN DR. SHAGETZ,
edited it down and filmed new inserts featuring two murdering,
raping grease monkeys called Harry and Wally (Keith Hefner & Greg
Finley), added some nudity from actresses Jillian Kesner and Lynda
Wiesmeier and mixed it all together. It's all rather obvious
and extremely boring. The majority of the film concerns the creepy
isolated burg of Smalltown (the sign on the way into town reads
"Population: 666 Elevation: 13", just so we know it's
creepy), which seems to be populated only by senior citizens. We soon
find out that when any young people (including kids) stray into town,
they are knocked-out and sent to a clinic run by Dr. Schaeffer (Dean
Jagger, who was called "Dr. Shagetz" in the original edit),
who uses their youth to keep the elderly population immortal. Trouble
arises when a camper containing Christopher (James Keach), wife Linda
(Doria Cook), friend Mike (Robert Walker Jr.) and girlfriend Julie
(Michele Marsh) breaks down as they enter Smalltown. Instead of
spending the night in the house of "kindly" old Lyle (Dabbs
Greer) and his wife (Lurene Tuttle), the quartet decide to camp out
in the woods, making it more difficult for the old geezers to kidnap
them. Every few minutes, the newly-shot (and badly-matched) footage
intrudes on the proceedings, showing Harry and Wally kidnapping some
necking couples (including a lesbian couple), bringing the men to Dr.
Schaeffer's clinic and saving the women for themselves, restraining
and raping them in their garage (Harry says to Wally, after they have
raped one girl, "Don't say a word about her!" Wally
replies, "I won't. Cross my legs!"). When the old cronies
discover that the camping foursome are moving to L.A. (for some
reason that's a bad thing in their eyes), they make sure that the
camper is permanently disabled. Christopher, who is moving to L.A. to
start his medical residency, becomes mighty suspicious of the town's
old farts, especially when he sees the white-haired population
carrying Mike and Julie's drugged bodies to Dr. Schaeffer's clinic.
Christopher and Linda are eventually captured and brought to Dr.
Schaeffer, who shows Christopher his operation and asks him to
carry-on with his experiments in perfecting the immortality serum.
After seeing a cage full of Dr. Schaeffer's failed experiments (a
gaggle of young people in straitjackets and acting crazy),
Christopher gives his answer by strangling Dr. Schaeffer with his
bare hands, grabbing Linda (Mike and Julie are dead) and setting the
clinic on fire. This patchwork film fails to register, thanks
to the obvious inserts (the film stock, fashions and dialogue just
don't gel with the old footage) and boring nature of the reworked
screenplay (the story credit goes to late character actor Royce
Applegate). Mardi Rustam (the director of EVILS
OF THE NIGHT [1984) and producer of such films as PSYCHIC
KILLER [1974], THE
BAD BUNCH [1976], Tobe Hooper's EATEN
ALIVE [1976] a
nd
DEATH FEUD [1987]) seems
only interested in putting as much nudity, sex and foul language as
he can in the new footage which, quite frankly, sticks out like a
sore thumb when compared to the original film, which was directed by
Edward Collins (actually a pseudonym of Academy Award® winning
screenwriter and director Curtis Hanson, of THE
AROUSERS [1972] and L.A.
CONFIDENTIAL [1997] fame), Larry Spiegel (SURVIVAL
RUN - 1978) and Peter S. Traynor (DEATH
GAME - 1977). Rustam, who used the same killer grease monkey
idea previously in EVILS OF THE NIGHT, was trying to pull a
fast one on VHS renters during the release-anything 80's but,
unfortunately, he forgot the golden rule. If you want to pull a fast
one on us (especially with the misleading VHS cover art), at least
have the courtesy to throw a little bloody violence into the new
footage (the nearest he comes to it is when a clinic escapee gets
into a martial arts fight with an orderly!). The closest this film
come to violence is when James Keach punches-out a couple of
octagenarians and hits Dabbs Greer with a chair. Dean Jagger (VISIONS
OF EVIL - 1973) is absent for most of the film until the
finale and it's easy to see why. He overacts terribly and it looks
like he's having a hard time remembering his lines and I believe at
one point he forgets them all together and improvises (badly). Robert
Walker Jr., who appeared in several low-budget 70's horror flicks (BEWARE!
THE BLOB - 1972; THE
SPECTRE OF EDGAR ALLAN POE - 1972; THE
SHRIEKING - 1973), is wasted here (at least in this edit).
He's given very little to do except slap his knees in time while
James Keach (SLASHED DREAMS
- 1975) plays his guitar around a campfire and deliver the film's
only intentionally funny bit of dialogue when Keach and Doria Cook
talk about making love in the woods. The Post Production Supervisor
(the person in charge of putting this whole mess together into a
cohesive whole) was Henri Charr, who also directed another lousy 80's
piecemeal film, ISLAND FURY
(1983/1989). I can say with a reasonable amount of confidence that
you can skip EVIL TOWN and
not worry about it at all, unless you must see a bunch of wrinkled
old toadies trying to act murderous. What is wrong with you people?
Also starring Christie Hauser, Regis Toomey, Paul McCauley, E.J.
Andre and Hope Summer. A Trans
World Entertainment VHS Release. Also released on VHS by budget
label Star Classics
in a crappy EP-mode transfer. Not yet available on DVD (count your
blessings). Not Rated.
THE
FANGLYS (2003) - Ultra-low-budget
regional horror film (filmed in and around Justin, Texas), reportedly
made for less than $2,500 and it shows. As with a lot of these
no-budgeters, it takes place during Halloween and concerns itself
about a local legend; a family of cannibals called the Fanglys, who
haunt the woods around Storm Creek during the candy-giving holiday,
slaughtering those who dare enter their territory. The young adults
in the area don't take the legend too seriously and use it as a rite
of passage to haze the non-believers, but Sheriff Pete (Burton
Gilliam; THE TERROR
WITHIN II - 1990) knows that the legend is real and has been
covering-up the Fanglys murderous doings for many years, especially
the killings performed by witch matriarch Fanglady (played by Justin
Hamilton in drag) and her retarded son Chubb (director/scripter
Christopher Abram, acting under the name "J. Christopher").
A group of obnoxious twenty-somethings, including Mark (Robert
Harvey), his wife Kelly (Laurie Reaves), perpetual coward Jerry (Tim
Boswell), prankster Steven (Josh Gobin) and new
girlfriend Camille (Natalie Woods), think it would be a good idea to
party in the cemetery of Storm Creek on Halloween Night (yeah, none
of them are the sharpest tools in the shed). They build a campfire in
the middle of the cemetery using wooden grave markers as firewood
(again, these are studid people) and Kelly tells ghost stories about
Fanglady stealing the lifeforce of her victims and Chubb taking the
lifeless corpses and skinning them (which we are barely shown in
flashbacks), which scares the crap out of Jerry and new-to-town
Camille (hint, hint). I guess we all know what happens next. After
Steven steals more wooden grave markers to add to the campfire (he
deserves to die just for doing that), they are discovered by Chubb,
who disables their car (and steals a porno DVD from the back seat!)
when he notices the grave markers missing in the cemetery (he uses
the graveyard to bury the bones of Mommy's victims). Camille ends up
missing, Chubb knocks-out Steven and then terrorizes the rest,
eventually kidnapping Kelly. Mark comes to the rescue, only to
discover that Camille is actually a Fangly's family member, but he
manages to kill Chubb (after the retarded Chubb accidentally kills
Camille with a pitchfork) and Fanglady before he, Kelly and Steve
escape. They then learn from Sheriff Pete that the Fanglys can never
truly be killed and they will surely rise from the dead next
Halloween. This is a terribly slow moving horror flick that has
very little (if anything) going in its favor. It's poorly acted (the
only professional here is Burton Gilliam, who looks embarrassed),
talky as hell and contains nearly no gore, which, considering the
subject matter, was a very poor decision. It's hard to determine if
director/writer/actor/editor/dishwasher Christopher Abram (AFTER
SUNDOWN - 2005; BY
THE DEVIL'S HANDS - 2008) purposely set out to make a campy
film, but it's difficult to take this as a serious horror film. The
character of Chubb elicits laughs rather than gasps with his
oversized crooked (and obviously fake) upper teeth and he acts more
like a brainless moron than someone who is supposed to scare us.
Director Abram manages to break every cardinal rule of horror
filmmaking: He pulls back on every gore shot when he should be moving
in for the close-up (There's one maddening scene where Chubb
threatens a necking couple with a machete, but then tosses it to the
ground and snaps the man's neck with his bare hands instead! I swear,
I nearly stopped watching the film there and then, but I soldiered-on
in hopes that it would get better. It didn't.); he has the women keep
their bras and panties on during their sex scenes (Even when Chubb
rapes one of them in his bedroom!); and there's even a thing in a
cage that Chubb keeps as a pet, but we never see it! We are even led
to believe that Chubb kills Jerry (and, believe me, you'll want this
whiny shit dead as soon as you meet him), but if you survive through
the end credits, you'll learn that even he survives. What's the
point? No, really, will someone tell me why anyone would make a
horror film but leave out the horror? I've taken dumps that scared me
worse. Also starring John William Galt, Natali Jones, Jason Skeen and
Malissa Dusza. Available on VHS & DVD from Asylum
Home Entertainment. Rated R, but there's nothing here
that goes beyond a PG-13.
FATAL
GAMES (1983) - Someone is killing
the Olympic hopefuls at the prestigious Falcon Academy Of Athletics.
Can it have something to do with the steroids, hormone injections and
"vitamins" that the doctors at the academy make all the
athletes take every day? The first one to die is gymnast Nancy
(Melissa Prophet), who gets impaled by a javelin while working out
alone in the gym. Team doctor (and possibly lesbian) Diane Paine
(Sally Kirkland) worries about the kids sudden behavioral changes and
voices her concerns to Dr. Jordine (director Michael Elliot), the
team's head doctor ("They are kids, not guinea pigs!"), but
is told to mind her own business. Gymnast Sue Ellen (Angela Bennett)
is the next in line to get a javelin piercing, as she is chased naked
through the academy by the black tracksuit-wearing killer. Javelin
thrower Joe (Nicholas
Love) is next to die, as the killer returns one of Joe's throws and
nails him through the torso (There goes our best suspect!). The
coaches and doctors are worried that three of their best athletes are
missing and again Diane wonders if the medications are involved
("Maybe they had adverse reactions."). Diane finds Annie
(Lynn Banashek) lying down in the middle of the hallway, screaming in
pain (from the medication) and Diane takes her home where we learn
that Diane's mother was an Olympic gold medal winner. Frank (Michael
O'Leary) breaks his leg dismounting off the parallel bars and, that
night, his girlfriend Lynn (Teal Roberts) is speared by the javelin
while doing laps in the pool. Dr. Jordine finds a team photo with all
the dead athletes x'ed out and suspects the other doctors and
coaches, since they are the only ones with keys to the office. Frank
begins snooping around and finds some incriminating evidence and
discovers all the dead bodies stuffed in lockers, but is
"javelinized" by the killer before he can tell anyone.
Annie is wounded by the killer, but boyfriend Phil (Sean Masterson)
saves her and brings her to Diane. Bad move. Turns out that Diane was
born a man and had a sex change operation, but lost her Olympic gold
medal (in the javelin throw) when drug tests proved she had too many
male hormones in her system. Now she's making all athletes pay.
Pretty blah as a mystery and a slasher film (a blind man could spot
the killer and there are only so many ways you can kill with a
javelin), the only redeeming quality this film has to is the constant
full frontal female nudity from nearly every female cast member
except, surprisingly, Sally Kirkland (who had many naked moments in
the vastly superior IN THE
HEAT OF PASSION - 1991). Kirkland is truly awful here. She
has the emotional range of a piece of fruit and looks like she would
rather have a really painful bikini wax than be here. The gore is
practically non-existant, too. Just a few javelin impalements and
Kirkland's final fall onto a first place trophy (oh, the irony).
First (and only) time director Michael Elliot sure has a lot of
pretty girls in the cast (including blink-and-you'll-miss cameos from
Linnea Quigley as an athlete and Brinke Stevens as a naked shower
girl), but it's hard to believe that it took three people (Elliot,
Raphael Bunuel and producer Christopher Mankiewicz) to write such a
trite, generic screenplay. Only for those interested in viewing
plenty of naked unaugmented female flesh. FATAL
GAMES is also known as THE
KILLING TOUCH. Also starring Marcelyn Ann Wilson (later
changing her name to Spice Williams) and Lauretta Murphy. A Media
Home Entertainment Release. Not Rated.
FATAL
IMAGES (1988) - God, I hate
SOV (Shot On Video) flicks. Most of them are so cheap and boring,
they make Sunday School look appealing. This is one of the worst
examples of what was foisted onto unsuspecting renters looking for
something new during the video boon of the late 80's. The film opens
with a serial killer murdering an undercover female officer while
taking her picture in his photo studio. As the police close in, the
serial killer sits down in a director's chair, takes a self-portrait
of himself with a rare VDeluxe camera and then simply passes away,
pissing off the dead undercover cop's detective boyfriend. Ten years
later, a photographer named Amy (Lane Coyle) goes to a pawn shop
looking for some props for a photo shoot (the pawn shop looks like
someone's garage). The slimy pawn shop owner sells Amy the serial
killer's VDeluxe camera for fifty bucks and tells her that the camera
already "has film in it. It always has film in it!" Rather
than questioning him about that statement, Amy stupidly buys the
camera and takes a picture of a drunken bum as she is walking out of
the pawn shop. A short time later, the bum is slashed to death by the
seemingly-revived serial killer. It seems that whomever Amy shoots
with the
VDeluxe camera ends up dead by the serial killer's hands and when Amy
develops the photos, they show the people in their murdered states.
It takes Amy a few more murders to catch on as to what is happening
(she's not the sharpest tool in the shed) and the police detective
(the same one who's girlfriend was killed ten years earlier) begins
to notice striking similarities between the new wave of murders and
the killings ten years earlier. He's also got a new cop girlfriend
and, yep, you guessed it, Amy takes her picture with the damned
camera. Can Amy and the secretive Chan (don't ask) stop the serial
killer before he kills everyone who stopped for a photo op? Why does
the camera never run out of film? Do we really care? Did anyone see
my pants? As with most SOV features, the sound is bad, the
acting atrocious and the camerawork static. Director Dennis Devine,
who has unleashed other shitty SOV horror flicks to a rightfully
agitated audience, including HELL SPA
(1992), THINGS
(1993) and CURSE OF
PIRATE DEATH (2006), pads out this feature (I don't want to
call this a film because, let's face it, it's not) with long static
shots of people talking (the funniest being the two cops in a car in
the beginning of the film who, upon hearing that an undercover cop is
in trouble, take the time to buckle their seatbelts before starting
the car!) and POV shots of the serial killer stalking his victims.
The sets are cheap (the police detective has a poster of LETHAL
WEAPON (1987) hanging in his sparsely-decorated office) and
the violence is nothing more than splashing blood on victims, one
fake-looking arm being yanked-out of it's socket and the
after-effects of an offscreen decapitation (believe it or not, the
effects were supplied by Gabe Bartalos, who must have owed someone a
big favor). There's also a long-haired priest, who's living room is
wallpapered with movie posters of JAWS
(1975), PINOCCHIO (1940), AMAZING
GRACE AND CHUCK (1987), and a Confederate flag (he even
makes an off-hand remark about 20TH
CENTURY OZ [1976]); an Asian guy named Chan (Brian Burr
Chin), who skulks around in the shadows, jumps out in front of Amy
and offers to buy the camera from her ("I'll give you twice what
you paid for it!"); and a big-haired metal band named Teaser,
who play a song in a bar where about six people are seen dancing. Not
a glaring endorsement, either for the band or the bar. The most
unbelievable moment comes when the police detective decides to eat a
bullet and blows his brains out, rather than to relive the horror
from ten years earlier. Is that any way to protect and serve? As far
as FATAL IMAGES goes,
let's just say I've seen better production values and acting in my
Aunt Millie's vacation videos. This film is only for the retarded.
The severely retarded. 95 minutes of pure hell. I curse the day when BLOOD
CULT (1985) was released on VHS and proved that there was a
market for SOV flicks, flooding the market with
"masterpieces" from every amateur with a store-bought video
camera. That's why I usually leave those reviews to my friend Mario
in the "Films On The Fringe"
section of this site. He manages to find artistic merit where all I
see is shit. Also starring Alison Brown, Angela Eads, Jeff Herbick,
Michael Robbin, Frank Scala and David Williams as one of the
least-scariest serial killers in recent memory. An Active
Home Video Release. Later released on VHS by Cinematrix
Releasing. Not Rated.
FATHER'S
DAY (2011) - Holy shit! This
film contains bad acting, cheap extreme gore effects, groan-inducing
comedy and dime store stop-motion animation (which makes Brett
Piper's work look like the late Ray Harryhausen), but I'll be damned
if it all doesn't work as a whole to make a highly entertaining film,
as long as you are not one to get easily queasy. Ten years ago, the eyepatch-wearing
Ahab (Adam Brooks) was convicted of murdering an innocent man he
thought was Chris Fuchman (pronounced "Fuckman"), a rapist
and serial killer of fathers. Fuchman (Mackenzie Murdock) raped and
murdered Ahab's father when he was just a kid and then sliced Ahab's
right eye with a box cutter (all shown lovingly in close-up) and
since then Ahab was on the search for the deadly serial killer. After
being set-up for murder and sent to jail, Ahab does his time and is
released from prison, where he goes into hiding at a cabin in the
woods, collecting toxic berries (don't ask) and making maple syrup
from trees that aren't maples (really, don't ask). Priest Father John
Sullivan (Matthew Kennedy) finds Ahab and talks him into coming back
to civilization. The raping and killing of fathers starts again as
soon as he is released from prison, so Detective Stegel (Brent Neale,
who talks and bears a resemblance to James Woods) thinks Ahab is
responsible. The latest victim is the father of male prostitute/thief
Twink (Conor Sweeney), who is fucked in the ass and then set on fire.
Twink joins Ahab and Father Sullivan to try and bring Fuchman down,
but first Ahab tries to talk his sister Chelsea (Amy Groening) into
leaving the strip club she works at and live a normal life. Chelsea
wants to join the trio in their pursuit of Fuchman (she has been
tracking his progress over the years in a journal she keeps), but
Ahab refuses. Fuchman tries to kidnap Chelsea after raping and
killing Twink's best friend Walnut (Garrett Hnatiuk) by biting his
dick off (it seems Walnut got several girls pregnant, which
technically makes him a father), but Ahab and his new-found friends
foil it. Fuchman finally kidnaps Chelsea at the strip club, killing
all the strippers (one has her head sliced in half with a chainsaw)
and the patrons. Ahab nearly dies after giving chase in a car to save
Chelsea (he is impaled on the tire iron he is carrying after falling
off Fuchman's truck) and Twink and Father Sullivan crash their car.
This leads to a night in the woods, where Twink and Father Sullivan
eats some of Ahab's toxic berries and trip out (it's one of the
film's funny highlights) and force feed Ahab some of the berries. The
berries heal Ahab and they end up at Fuchman's hideout (after the
film stops for a short fake commercial for a film to be shown later
that day, which ends with a hilarious stinger), where they find
Chelsea chained up and Fuchman on the run. Ahab kills Fuchman by
shotgunning him in the groin, stomping on his head and throwing him
off a dam wall, thereby ending the menace (there's a funny shot at
the end of this scene that involves a train coming out of a tunnel).
Do you really think it would be that easy? Father Sullivan finds a
book under the murdered Father O'Flynn's (Kevin Anderson) bed, which
details that the Fuchmanus is actually a demon reincarnated in Hell
after incest between a brother and sister that produces an offspring.
When Chelsea shows up at Ahab's motel room dressed scantily and
coming on to him, Ahab gives in and has sex with his sister
(cringeworthy to say the least). Chelsea is now in Hell (see if you
can spot the STAR WARS [1977]
homage) and the trio decide to kill themselves so they can go to Hell
and save her. Ahab and Twink end up in Hell, but Father Sullivan ends
up in Heaven, where he puts a gun to his angel guide's (Falcon Van
Der Baek) head and forces him to take him to God (played by Troma
head Lloyd Kaufman, who released this film on home video). Father
O'Flynn appears in God's office and forces him at gunpoint to send
Father Sullivan to Hell (since Father O'Flynn is blind, he really
doesn't know where to aim the gun, which leads to a bit of funny
dialogue by Kaufman). What happens next is best for the viewers to
discover, but I will say that the final stinger is funny as hell
(look for THE DEER HUNTER
[1978] reference). Directed and written (among many other
duties behind the camera) by a Canadian group that call themselves
"Astron-6", which includes stars Brooks, Sweeney and
Kennedy, as well as Jeremy Gillespie (who has a bit part here and
co-wrote most of the film's original music) and Steven Kostanski (who
directed Astron-6's equally funny and low rent MANBORG
- 2011), FATHER'S DAY was
a surprise to me from the start. It contains everything I usually
hate, including giving it that fake "grindhouse" look by
inserting emulsion scratches, some out of fucus photography and hairs
on the projector bulb, but this is a great way to spend 99 minutes if
you just want a good, old-fashioned 70's or 80's-like gore film with
a plot that is sometimes inventive and sometimes offensive. Nothing
is left to the imagination, including the aforementioned dick-biting,
gunshots to the head, bodies torn in half and many other bloody bits.
The comedy and acting are definitely hit-or miss, but that just adds
to its charm. Troma founders Kaufman and Michael Herz produced the
film and released it in a four disc limited edition Blu-Ray, 2 DVDs
& a CD music soundtrack box set, with many extras (a Troma
trademark), including a couple of Astron-6 short films and liner
notes by acclaimed Canadian independent director Guy Maddin (THE
SADDEST MUSIC IN THE WORLD - 2003), who gets a
"Thanks" during the end credits. This is way better than
most of the crap that Troma releases and it gets my highest
recommendation. Also starring Meredith Sweeney, Kyle Young, Zsuzsi,
Billy Sadoo and Murray Davidson. A Troma
Entertainment Blu-Ray/DVD Release. Unrated for all the
right reasons, including copious nudity and an extremely
uncomfortable scene where Fuchman injects his penis with some unknown
substance and then cuts it with a knife, rubbing the blood on
Chelsea's face.
FEAR
NO EVIL (1980) - This minor
cult classic has gained quite a reputation through the years, not for
it's storyline (which is a mixture of THE OMEN
[1976] meets NIGHT OF
THE LIVING DEAD [1968]), but for it's trippy visual flair and
punk rock soundtrack. Everyone knows Andrew Williams (Stefan Arngrim)
is the Antichrist, especially when, as a baby in 1963, the water used
to baptise him turns to blood. Eighteen years have passed since then
(expertly shown as time-lapse photography of Andrew's parents' house,
which goes from brand new to decrepit in less than 30 seconds) and
Andrew witnesses his father
severely cripple his mother on his birthday. At school, Andrew is a
straight-A student but is treated like an outcast by nearly every
student (it doesn't help that he's extremely introverted and always
dresses in black). Andrew does have a crush on one female student,
Julie (Kathleen Rowe McAllen), who has strange visions every time she
is near Andrew. Could she be the reincarnation of the angel Gabriel,
sent to Earth to join forces with two other angels to stop the Second
Coming of Satan, a key part which lies in the evil powers of Andrew?
Be prepared to witness the resurrection of the dead as the angels
must battle Andrew and his horde of the living dead for the souls of
every human being on Earth. The first film by a then 26
year-old Frank LaLoggia (LADY IN WHITE
- 1988), FEAR NO EVIL is
probably the most definitive case of style over substance. The
atmosphere is laid on thick and consists of wonderfully-used camera
tricks (the feeling of hopelessness between Andrew's mother and
father for Andrew's first 18 years of life could not have been done
better than the time-lapse photography mentioned earlier) and the use
of the entire widescreen image to convey alienation (used expertly in
a funeral scene) is fantastic. If I have a complaint, it's that the
screenplay (also by LaLoggia) is too derivative of other films, like
1976's CARRIE (there's a shower
scene where the jocks pick on Andrew, only to have it bite the main
bully in the ass) and THE OMEN (the whole Anti-Christ angle),
which I am sure were on LaLoggia's mind when he was writing this as
they were both fairly fresh films at the time. The fantastic finale
(at the town's annual re-enactment of Christ's birth and death),
which is full of scenes of the dead rising from their graves mixed
with foggy neon lighting and laser effects (also fairly new at the
time) are what previous viewers remember most about this film as it
is fast-paced, bloody and comes out of nowhere. Mix in a soundtrack
with songs by The Ramones, Boomtown Rats, Sex Pistols, Patti Smith
and other punk bands and this was quite a treat for teens both in
sight and sound when it originally played in theaters in 1980,
especially after a joint or two (that's how I saw it). This
low-budget gem may seem a little creaky today, but it still holds up
as an atmospheric foray into the supernatural. I dare you not to
smile when Andrew's drunken father (Barry Cooper) yells in a bar,
"My son's the Devil!" over and over. It's also the only
horror film where you'll witness a death by dodgeball and see a man
grow breasts (and then kill himself!). There's also a surprising
amount of full frontal male nudity but very little female nudity as
the film has an underlying theme of homosexuality or, I should say, a
fear of homosexuality as the shower and breast-growing scenes so
beautifully display. Good stuff. FEAR
NO EVIL is also known as LUCIFER. Also starring
Elizabeth Hoffman, Frank Birney, Daniel Eden, Jack Holland and Alice
Sachs. Originally released on VHS by Embassy
Home Entertainment and released on widescreen DVD by Anchor
Bay Entertainment. Rated R.
FEAST
(2006) - This is the film that was made during Season 3 of PROJECT
GREENLIGHT and, after watching all the hoops first-time
director John Gulager had to jump through to get this made, I'm glad
to report that it's probably the best horror film released in 2006.
After a humorous opening, which gives a brief bio and life expectancy
of each character, the film immediately kicks into gear. A barfull of lowlifes
and losers must band together and fight four creatures which are
trying to get inside. The creatures, which have huge teeth and razor
sharp claws, are hungry for flesh and looking to get even with the
woman (Navi Rawat) who hit and killed one of them (possibly the
grandfather of the pack) when driving with her husband (who is the
first to get killed after bursting into the bar and announcing,
"I'm the one who's gonna save your asses!" and then
promptly gets decapitated). As the occupants bitch and moan and then
finally band together, the creatures pick them off one-by-one in
various gory ways (dismemberments, eye gougings, head squishings,
dissolving bodies by spitting a slimey green goo on them). That's
basically all there is to the plot and I know it sounds generic, but
Gulager's execution is anything but generic. The whole film has a
manic comic tone to it, like a Three Stooges short taken to the next
level. Clothes are ripped off, body appendages are accidentally blown
off and, just when you thought you've seen it all, the film reminds
you that you haven't. I loved the part where they introduce Kevin
Smith regular Jason Mewes (playing himself) only to immediately have
his face ripped-off by a baby creature and then get shotgunned in the
chest by the bartender (a welcome return to films by genre vet Clu
Gulager [RETURN OF
THE LIVING DEAD - 1985], the director's father). The whole
film is full of little surprises like that and the script (by Patrick
Melton and Marcus Dunstan) is full of choice one-liners sure to bring
a smile to your face. My favorite line comes when one of the men (who
was drenched in the creature's goo) asks one of the women how he
looks (he lost an eye and his face is dissolving). She takes one look
at him and throws up. He just looks at her and says, "You
shoulda been a nurse". If there's one complaint I could lodge
against this film, it would be that some of the editing is way too
quick, making some of the action hard to distinguish. It was probably
done to cover-up some of the more low-budget aspects of the film.
But, that's just a minor quibble as FEAST
is a bloody good show for fans of horror. I can't wait to see what
John Gulager does next without all the cameras and interference that
dogged him during the shooting of this one. It should be a doozy (It
turns his next assignments would be to direct two sequels to this
film: FEAST II: SLOPPY SECONDS
[2008] and FEAST III:
THE HAPPY FINISH [2009], both highly watchable, but not what
I expected; Gulager would then go on to direct PIRANHA
3DD [2012], which was supposed to go for a theatrical
release, but went the DTV route instead). Dimension Films gave this a
cursory one week theatrical release (using the R-rated cut) before
dumping it to DVD. With the right marketing campaign, Dimension could
have had a winner on their hands, but we know how fickle executive
producers Bob & Harvey Weinstein are. Just be happy this film was
released and didn't end up sitting on a shelf for a couple of years
like other Weinstein productions. Also starring Balthazar Getty,
Henry Rollins, Duane Whitaker, Judah Friedlander, Josh Zuckerman,
Jenny Wade and Krista Allen. A Dimension
Home Entertainment Release. Not Rated.
THE
FEAST OF SATAN (1971) - When
nurse Maria (Veronica Lujan) takes a mysterious 30 day vacation and
is later found on the side of the road, in total mental breakdown and
her hair turned completely white, the doctors at the hospital tell
her sister, Hilda (Krista Nell; THE
SLASHER - 1972), that Maria suffers from "Hammer
Syndrome" and has been mentally deranged by fear (Maria
hysterically screams out "Sheba!" and sees a mysterious man
in a black cape wearing a ruby-encrusted medallion whenever she
closes her eyes). When Maria is kidnapped from the loony bin by the
man in the black cape, Hilda tries to uncover what happened to her
sister while she was on "vacation" in hopes it will lead to
her sister's present location. Hilda's investigation leads her to the
cryptic (and filthy rich) Dr. Tills Nescu (Esperacto Santoni; THE
FEMALE BUTCHER - 1973) and his beautiful lesbian assistant
Andrea (Teresa Gimpera; CRYPT
OF THE LIVING DEAD - 1973). Dr. Nescu invites Hilda, Dr.
Carlos Ferrer (Thomas Moore; LIGHT
BLAST - 1985) and police Inspector Gonzales (Julio Pena; CROSS
CURRENT - 1971) to a cocktail
party at his remote mountain castle where, earlier, we see Dr. Nescu
and Andrea murder his new girlfriend, Paula (Carla Conti), in some
sort of sacrificial ritual. Dr. Nescu puts the moves on Hilda and she
plays along so she can find clues about her sister. What Hilda
doesn't know about Dr. Nescu is that he is a powerful mentalist (He
proves is powers to a doubting visiting Prince by making a male
lounge singer lose his voice while singing a song in a cocktail bar)
and Hilda falls under his black powers, falling madly in love with
him and revealing who she really is. Hilda is warned several times by
complete strangers to stay away from Dr. Nescu (one crazy lady even
mentions Sheba), but she doesn't listen. Instead, she ends up alone
in the castle with Dr. Nescu , Andrea and their oriental servant, and
is drugged, held prisoner and hallucinates (?) about a black magic
ritual where Dr. Nescu and a bunch of his satanist followers
sacrifice a live goat and invoke Satan and Sheba's names. The
confusing finale finds Dr. Nescu trying to make Hilda his new Sheba,
but a jilted Andrea (don't ask, I know she's supposed to be a
lesbian) stabs Dr. Nescu in the back before he can finish the
ceremony. Or does he? This Spanish/Italian co-production, also
known as FEAST FOR THE DEVIL,
is a dreary, slow-moving horror thriller that contains horrible
pacing, god-awful dubbing (try watching the scene where Dr. Nescu
uses his mentalist powers on the male lounge singer and try not to
laugh) and a plot that makes very little sense, as well as stretching
credibility a little too far. Why on earth would Hilda fall in love
with the man who is quite possibly responsible for her sister's
disappearance and why the hell would her good friend Carlos (who also
harbors secret feelings for her) or Inspector Gonzales let her? This
film relies on too many convenient coincidences to advance the plot
(Dr. Nescu is a playboy, yet he has a severe hatred for his mother,
whom he use to watch whipping his father with a belt as a child.
Shouldn't he be a homosexual instead?). Director Jose Maria Elorrieta (THE
CURSE OF THE VAMPIRE - 1972), using the pseudonym "Joe
Lacy", offers very little for the viewer to enjoy, as there is
minimal blood, only a touch of nudity (both Nell and Gimpera do strut
around in bikinis on several occasions, though) and the script (by
Jose Luis Navarro, Marino Girolami and Miguel Madrid [as "Micael
Skife"]) that will have you scratching your head in complete
confusion and desperation, as you try to make sense of all the
characters' actions (Especially the ludicrous finale, where two
people commit suicide and Hilda suffers the same white-haired fate as
her sister, even though Dr. Nescu is dead. What the fuck?). File this
under "What The Hell Were They Smoking When They Made This?"
This is nothing but plenty of camera zooms on Dr. Nescu's eyeballs
and garish early-70's fashions. I was hoping "Tills Nescu"
was an anagram, but it turns out it's just a funny name. Also
starring Luis Villa and Francesco Acciaccarelli. Released on VHS by Mogul
Video (under FEAST
FOR THE DEVIL) and not available on U.S. DVD, although German
company Marketing Films offers it on DVD under the title TANZ
DES SATANS. The print I viewed was taken from a
Greek-subtitled VHS tape. Rated R.
FERTILIZE
THE BLASPHEMING BOMBSHELL
(1989) - Another
strange retitling job from Troma Films, available on Rhino
Video as MARK
OF THE BEAST
and also known as TRIANGLE
OF DEATH.
Sheila Caan portrays Sandy,
who, with her husband-to-be, are on their way to Las Vegas for a
quickie wedding and to meet her identical twin sister Susan (Caan
again), an anthropology professor who shares the same feelings (i.e.
pain) as her sister. While driving through the desert, Sandy and her
fiance take a shortcut off the highway and get lost. They end up in
the town of Ellivnatas (Population: 13. Get it?) where they are
greeted with staring eyes from the few residents. The people are
devil worshippers and soon Sandy and her fiance are lured out to a
canyon where her fiance is set on fire and tossed off a cliff and
Sandy is stabbed in the chest as a sacrifice by the cult leader (the
late Robert Tessier of HARD
TIMES
[1976], in one of his last roles). Susan feels Sandy's pain and
begins searching for her. She meets a mechanic (Rick Hill) who joins
her in the search. She ends up in that quaint little town and is
threatened, physically abused and nearly run off the road. Susan
tries to get the county sheriff (Bo Hopkins, who could phone in his
performance) to help, but he is either unable or unwilling to give
it. The remainder of the film consists of Susan running around in her
underwear trying to avoid Tessier and his baddies from impregnating
her with the Devil's child. Better acted and filmed than most Troma
product (probably because they purchased it after production ended),
this is still third-rate stuff even when compared with any one of
Concorde's worst productions. One gets the notion that Bo Hopkins
takes these roles to supply his dwindling liquor cabinet. John Saxon
and Bo Svenson were probably at an AA meeting when this role was
offered. One can only feel pity for Robert Tessier. This is not
a fitting way to end an illustrious career of playing bad guys. For
Hopkins and Tessier completists only. Directed and written by Jeff
Hathcock (VICTIMS
- 1985; NIGHT RIPPER
- 1986; STREETS
OF DEATH
- 1987) who's no Hitchcock. A Troma
Films
Release. Rated
R.
FINAL
EXAM (1981) - A college
quarterback and his new girlfriend are savagely stabbed by a hulking
psycho while they are necking in the parking lot of March College. At
nearby Lanier College the next morning, the students, on hearing the
news, can only talk about how it increases their odds of their
football team winning the championship this year (Kids, you gotta
love 'em!). During finals, one of the fraternaties, headed by
football star Wildman (Ralph Brown), stages a prank where masked
terrorists come out of a van and start shooting up the campus with
machine guns (if they did that today, they would be looking a serious
jail time) as a diversion so Mark (John Fallon), another football
jock, can cheat on one of his tests. The psycho is now also at Lanier
College following Courtney (Cecile Bagdadi) around in a van.
Courtney's best friend
is Radish (Joel S. Rice), a nerdy genius (who has a TOOLBOX
MURDERS [1978] poster on his wall), who helps her when she
comes to him with personal problems. A pledge named Gary (Terry W.
Farren), who just stole the answers to another test so Mark can cheat
again, is tied to a tree (after being stripped to his underwear) and
covered in shaving cream and left there overnight, as punishment for
giving his pledge pin to his girlfriend Janet (Sherry Willis-Burch).
Gary doesn't make it through the night. Neither does Janet. The
killer viciously stabs both of them. The killer targets Wildman next,
hanging him on some gym equipment after Wildman steals some uppers
from the coach's desk. Mark is next to go, stabbed in the chest when
he goes to check up on Wildman. When Radish finds Mark's body, he
calls the Sheriff (Sam Kilman), but he doesn't believe him because
Radish called him earlier in the day to report the fake terrorist
attack. Radish also loses his life to the killer's knife. Courtney
finds Radish's body and runs to warn everybody, only to find out they
are all dead. Now it's just Courtney against the killer and they both
have knives. Why is he killing everyone? We will never know. Does a
psycho killer with a big butcher knife really need a reason?
Director/screenwriter Jimmy Huston (DARK
SUNDAY - 1976; SEABO
- BUCKSTONE COUNTY PRISON - 1978; MY
BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE - 1988) seems to have forgotten
what makes a slasher film work: Lots of inventive bloody deaths.
After the initial car stabbing, it takes nearly 55 minutes for the
next murder to take place. The murders are always clouded in
darkness, so you never see the payoffs. I will give one concession to
the killer: When he stabs someone, it's usually multiple times, not
"one stab and you're dead". For a slasher flick, FINAL
EXAM is way too tame. The acting, by a cast of unknowns,
isn't too bad, but the story just meanders along at a much too
leisurely pace, playing like a low-rent version of ANIMAL
HOUSE (1978) until the final 30 minutes, when all the campus
fun stops and the killer dispatches everyone except Courtney who, in
the finale, stabs him about a dozen times (all of it placed
conveniently just off-screen). The killer's (played by Timothy L.
Raynor) motivation is never explained, so the killings really have no
meaning. While many real-life serial killers may kill for no reason,
it helps in low-budget horror films like this if we understand why
the killer is killing. There's also no nudity (although there's
plenty of sex talk amongst the cast) and very little foul language.
The reason for this is probably because director Jimmy Huston got his
start working for producer/star Earl Owensby (this movie was filmed
at his E.O. Motion Picture Studio in Shelby, North Carolina, but
otherwise Owensby had nothing to do with it), whose early films were
advertised as "family friendly", a mindset that Huston
probably found hard to shake when he was writing the script for this.
Although the film is rated R, a couple of small edits amounting to
less than 5 seconds would put it in PG (not even PG-13) territory.
Why bother? You shouldn't. Also starring DeAnna Robbins, Don Hepner
and Mary Ellen Withers. An Embassy
Home Entertainment VHS Release. Also available on anamorphic
widescreen DVD from Scorpion
Releasing and on Blu-Ray
from Scream Factory/Code
Red. Rated R.
THE
FINAL TERROR (1981) - I've
already reviewed the good DELIVERANCE
(1972) clones, like RITUALS
(1977) and JUST
BEFORE DAWN (1980), so now it is time for the
fair-to-middling ones. This is one of those films. It had a troubled
production history (and it shows), but more on that later. The film
opens with a couple riding on a motorcycle in the woods (filmed in
Crescent City, California) when their cycle hits something and it
ditches, falling on Jimmy's (Jim Youngs) leg (notice during the crash
how the length and hair color change on the woman during and after
the crash; it is an obvious stuntwoman). Lori (Lori Lee Butler) drags
Jimmy to safety and then goes looking for help, but the Ranger
Station is empty and locked. Lori returns, only to find Jimmy hanging
upside down with his throat cut and when she runs away she triggers a
booby trap made out of tin can lids and it slices her to pieces (we
do not see it, only the blood on the tin can lids, but it does seem to
be a very painful death). We then cut to a group of young male Forest
Rangers, as they are making plans to have a camping and rafting trip
with four buxom females as company. They plan on hiking 15 miles to
Mill Creek and then making a 30 mile rafting trip down river, where
bus driver and fellow Forest Ranger Eggar (Joe "Joey Pants"
Pantoliano; THE SOPRANOS) will
be waiting to drive them home. When Eggar hears they are going to
Mill Creek, he becomes agitated and tells them the place is not safe
and he should drive them to another location. Eggar is treated like
an outcast by the rest of the crew because he acts strange (to put it
politely), so when Eggar starts driving them to their destination and
they pass a mental institution, Cerone (Adrian Zmed - TV's T.J.
HOOKER [1982 - 1986]) says, "Hey Eggar, there's your
former home!", to which Eggar shoots him a dirty look. Once at
their first destination, Boone (Lewis Smith in his film debut; He
would next make SOUTHERN COMFORT
- 1981, which is similar in plot to this film) tells a horror story
around a campfire about a murderous lumberjack who gets a woman
pregnant. She has the baby boy and then goes crazy, being committed
to the very same mental institution that they passed. Years later,
the crazy woman's son comes for her and they escape from the mental
institution and she is hiding somewhere in the same part of the
forest they are in now (it ends with the typical second person
jumping out of the darkness to finish the practical joke and scaring
the crap out of everyone else). Eggar does not find the story funny
and leaves to drive the bus to the final destination. Speaking of
practical jokes, the gung-ho Zorich (John Friedrich, who gets top
billing) and Nathaniel (Ernest Harden Jr.) play a practical joke on
Cerone, where they agree to cut him in for one-third of a
non-existent marijuana crop, as long as he stays behind and howls
like a wolf (to keep away unwanted visitors) until they come back
with some weed . Cerone continues to howl like a wolf through the
night, while Zorich and Nathaniel return to the camp to get some
sleep. When Mike (Mark Metcalf; ANIMAL
HOUSE - 1978), the leader of the group, discovers the
practical joke and Cerone is missing from his sleeping bag, he,
Zorich and Nathaniel go looking for him, only to discover Cerone's
bandanna wrapped around a bloody animal skin. Mike sends Zorich and
Nathaniel back to get Mike's girlfriend, Melanie (Cindy Harrell), who
also knows these woods well, to search for Cerone. Mike and Melanie
decide to stop their search long enough for a little lovemaking in a
stream, but Mike is brutally murdered by someone wearing animal skins
and a homemade blade that is attached to the wrist (Melanie's fate is
at-yet unknown). Zorich and Nathaniel find a dilapidated shack in the
middle of nowhere, that is full of dead animal parts and evidence
that the shack belongs to Eggar. The rest of the group, which
consists of the whiny Margaret (Rachel Ward; NIGHT
SCHOOL - 1981), Windy (Daryl Hannah; HIDE
AND SEEK - 2000) and Vanessa (Akosua Busia; LOW
BLOW - 1986), are worried when Mike and Melanie don't return
(Cerone is fine and was playing a practical joke of his own on Zorich
and Nathaniel, but the killer makes a visit to their camp to run it's
dirt-encrusted hands through Margaret's hair and then disappear) and,
that night, Vanessa discovers Mike's severed head in the outhouse and
they all believe that Eggar is to blame. All of them head to the
shack, where they discover Mike's severed hand in a jar (the killer
is still holding a still-alive Melanie in a hidden room beneath the
floor), so they decide to hop in the raft and head down river and
pray the bus is there waiting for them. After Margaret warns everyone
that she cannot swim (Why the hell is she even doing on this
outing?), they jump in the raft and head down river, where at one
point where the river is small, the killer dumps Melanie's now-dead
body into their raft (her throat has been cut from ear-to-ear). Still
thinking that Eggar is the killer, they are happy to find the bus is
at the final destination, but the engine has been destroyed and it is
going nowhere. The group (after burying Melanie's body) decide to
spend the night in the bus and hike to civilization the next morning,
but the killer attacks the bus at night with an ax, a spear and the
wrist blade, but everyone escapes through the emergency exit window
in the back of the bus. Windy manages to get separated from the rest
of the group and the killer slices her neck, but the group manage to
make it to her before she can be murdered. Cerone and Zorich go back
to the bus to get the first aid kit
to
patch her up and after she is treated, the group devises a plan to
trap and capture Eggar. They find the perfect place for an ambush,
but Zorich begins to act strange because he has eaten some "magic
mushrooms" he found in the shack (this actually turns out to be
in the group's favor, as Zorich sets up the best booby trap because
he is so high, the danger of setting it up doesn't affect him). Once
they are ready, Cerone starts yelling out, "We're going to get
you Eggar!", and Eggar takes the bait, wrapping a piece of rope
around Cerone's neck, but everyone else except for Zorich is
camouflaged and attack and beat Eggar to within an inch of his life.
It is now discovered that the killer is actually Eggar's mother
(played by male Tony Maccario, who was also in charge of Props), who
kills Zorich and then sets off the booby trap: a log with sharpened
wooden spikes sticking out of it that swings on a rope and impales
Eggar's mother, killing her. Although the film carries a 1983
copyright date, it was actually made in 1981 and took two years to
find a distributor (Samuel Z. Arkoff was Executive Producer), thanks
to the-then popularity of Zmed on T.J. HOOKER, Hannah on BLADE
RUNNER (1982) and Ward on the TV mini-series THE
THORN BIRDS (1983). Director Andrew Davis (CODE
OF SILENCE - 1985; ABOVE
THE LAW - 1988; UNDER SIEGE
- 1992; THE FUGITIVE - 1993),
who also photographed the film using the alias "Andreas
Davidescu" (so not to piss off the Unions) does what he can with
the material (Ronald Shusett of ALIEN
[1979] fame was one of the screenwriters], but because the body count
was so low, the opening scene with the biker couple was shot after
principal photography was completed to increase the amount of deaths
(it is still a small body count considering the size of the group)
and the short running time. Rachel Ward is extremely bad in this
because she screams out every one of her lines and generally acts
like a bitch. It would have been great if she were the first victim
because the film would have been so much better for it. As it stands,
the film is at least bearable and not a total loss (some of the
effects are rather bloody), but there are much better "terror in
the woods" films than this. Originally released on VHS by Vestron
Video, the Blu-Ray/DVD combo pack offered from Shout!
Factory sub-label Scream
Factory states in the beginning that no original elements of the
film could be found, so they had to use 6 different 35 mm prints to
make the best version possible. After a wobbly start (the opening
sequence with the bikers has a flickering effect) the Blu-Ray then
looks next to pristine for the rest of the duration. This was once
shown on TV under the title CARNIVORE and is also known as CAMPSITE
MASSACRE, BUMP IN THE NIGHT, THE FOREST PRIMEVAL
and several others (while the film was being made, there was no
title, and at one time the Producers considered calling it THREE
BLIND MICE because that is the song the group sings while on the
bus trip). At 82 minutes, the film doesn't overstay its welcome and
it is a nice time capsule to see how some of the actors got their
start. A Scream Factory DVD/Blu-Ray Release. Rated R.
FLESH
EATING MOTHERS (1988) -
It's always a good idea when you're making a horror film to have at
least one character you can sympathize with or at least root for.
This ultra low-budget 16mm epic has none. After a lengthy set-up
establishing the characters in a town full of adulterers, abusive
husbands, bullies, angry divorced parents, crooked cops, slimey
doctors and high school
hooligans, the film kicks in gear when an unknown virus (passed by a
cheating husband to a bunch of his married conquests) infects the
women, causing them to become hungry for the taste of human flesh.
When divorced cop Clyde McCormick (Mickey Ross) goes to his ex-wife's
home and finds her chowing-down on their son, he shoots her in the
head, since that seems to be the only place on her body that a bullet
works (fuckin' George Romero and his mythology!). He's arrested for
her murder when no one believes his story, although the one-armed
Police Commissioner (Ken Eaton) should since he lost his arm years
earlier due to a similar incident. Clyde escapes custody determined
to find out what the hell is going on and why the commissioner is
covering it up. It's not long before every mother and wife begins
eating members of their families in very graphic ways. Clyde works
with the vertically-challenged medical examiner, Dr. Grouly (Michael
Feuer, one of the worst actors I have ever seen), while the surviving
kids band together trying to find a way to stop their flesh eating
mothers. Armed with a new vaccine (which turns out to be penicillin!)
which will reverse the virus, the kids try to "stick it to"
their mothers before the police kill them all. I guess the best
word to describe this film is amateurish. It's apparent when watching
the film that no one in it has any acting experience as there's not a
decent performance in the bunch. Director James Aviles Martin (who
has since gone on to make documentaries) tries to make this a gore
comedy, but fails miserably on both counts, as the gore, while
extremely bloody, is not very convincing and the comedy consists of
people saying lines like, "What's eating you?" and
"Fuck you, you fucking cannibal!" The Elite Entertainment
DVD offers the full unrated cut (Academy
Entertainment offered both an R-rated edit as well as the
Unrated cut on VHS), but the widescreen transfer is very grainy at
times, thanks to it's 16mm origin. Like I said in the beginning, the
total lack of sympathetic (nevermind believable) characters sink this
film and the bad acting and chintzy make-up effects don't help
either. My advice is to avoid this one unless you like sitting
through 89 minutes of tedium. Also starring Robert Lee Oliver,
Valorie Hubbard, Neal Rosen, Donatella Hecht, Katherine Mayfield and
Grace Pettijohn. An Elite Entertainment
Release. Not Rated.
FLESH
FEAST (1969) - Deadly slow mixture
of espionage and horror genres that's more important for its pedigree
than for the actual film itself. First off, it stars 40's blonde
bombshell Veronica Lake (who is also a producer) who, unfortunately
looks like a bombed blonde shell of her former self. It was directed,
co-produced and co-written by Brad F. Grinter, who made the classic
badfilm BLOOD FREAK
three years
later. It was co-written by Thomas B. Casey, who would direct SOMETIMES
AUNT MARTHA DOES STRANGE THINGS in 1971. Harry Kerwin, who
directed GOD'S BLOODY ACRE
(1975), has a small part and is production manager here. Chris
Martell, who starred in SCREAM
BABY, SCREAM (1969), also stars and is assistant director on
this. As you can see, it's a veritable who's-who of early 70's
Florida regional filmmaking. It's just too bad that FLESH
FEAST is such a total bore. Lake stars as Dr. Elaine
Frederick, who has perfected a rejuvenation procedure that involves
specially-bred maggots that eat the flesh of dead people and, when
applied to live people, give that person new youth and vigor. When
some shady South American dudes in dark suits and black sunglasses
hire Dr. Frederick to rejuvenate their boss, "The
Commander", she prepares her lab for his arrival (her female
assistant steals a female corpse from the hospital so the maggots can
feed, as we see another assistant cut off the corpse's leg with a
bone saw). A subplot involves a female student falling in love with
Jose (Bill Rogers), one of the South Americans who have taken over
Frederick's house. When Dr. Frederick performs a practice experiment
on Max Bauer (Martell), an old man with a scarred face (to satisfy
the S.A. dudes that her experiment is on the up-and-up), he becomes a
young, spry man who proceeds to rape Jose's new girlfriend and then
kills her. Jose kills him and puts his dead girlfriend in Dr.
Frederick's lab. Satisfied with the outcome, the South Americans
bring The Commander to Frederick's house. The Commander turns out to be
Adolph Hitler (!) and Dr. Frederick has revenge on her mind, since
her mother died in one of Hitler's concentration camps. The film ends
abruptly with Dr. Frederick using her maggots on Hitler in a whole
new way, while she cackles "Heil Hitler!" in front of a
portrait of her dead mother. Even at 72 minutes, the film seems
hopelessly padded as the Jose subplot and another involving a
newspaper reporter/C.I.A. agent Dan Carter (Kerwin) go nowhere and
neither one is resolved. The entire film looks to have been shot
silent and the post-synch dubbing, though done by the actors, barely
match the lip movements. The film is also hopelessly dated, as every
male character wears a dark suit with a skinny tie and most of the
women sport beehive hairdos, except for Lake, who still wears her
hair as she did when she was a femme fatale in films such as THIS
GUN FOR HIRE
(1942). This was also Lake's last film, but try not to remember her
this way. Doug Hobart (DEATH
CURSE OF TARTU - 1966) provided the not-so-special effects,
which include the aforementioned leg amputation, some old age makeup
(which looks like oatmeal paste) and various body parts hanging in
Dr. Frederick's lab. FLESH FEAST
is worth a viewing if you are interested in Florida regional
exploitation films (I think the only regional talent not involved in
this were William Grefe and Wayne Crawford!), but have a stimulant
handy because you'll need it. The Beverly Wilkshire DVD (which is OOP
but still available on some online outlets) is pretty poor and looks
like a second or third generation VHS dupe. It also has a glitch
around the 11 minute mark that brings you back to the main menu. Just
go to the second chapter and rewind to just after the glitch and the
rest of the film plays fine. Also starring Phil Philbin, Martha
Mischon, Doug Foster, Brad Townes and Otto Schlesinger. A Beverly
Wilkshire DVD Release. Also available on VHS from World
Video. Rated R.
FLIGHT
OF THE LIVING DEAD: OUTBREAK ON A PLANE
(2006) - Here's a question I have for all the big movie
production companies: How is it a fun, gory horror film like this
bypasses a theatrical release and goes straight to DVD and yet lousy
horror films like THE RETURN
(2006) and THE MESSENGERS
(2007) get wide theatrical play? While nothing more than a zombie
version of SNAKES ON A PLANE
(2006), this film is a hoot and a half to watch. After being
introduced to all the major characters on Flight 239 heading to
Paris, including a cop named Truman (David Chisum); his prisoner
Frank (the wonderful Kevin J. O'Connor), who profoundly professes his
innocence; pro golfer Long Shot (Derek Webster); his alcoholic wife
and several dozen other passengers, we learn that the evil Dr. Leo
Bennett (Erick Avari), who is also on the plane, has brought a new
virus on-board that can bring the dead back to life. When bad
turbulence causes the cargo to shift, the virus is set loose when the
cryogenically frozen body of Dr. Kelly (Laura Cayouette) is released
and she begins biting and infecting passengers. As more people begin
getting exposed (and turning into decaying zombies), the unafflicted
passengers band together and try to figure out how to stop the
infection from spreading. Dr. Bennett tries to cover-up the truth
(even resorting to murder),
so Truman, Long Shot, flight attendant Megan (Kristen Kerr), TSA
agent Paul Rudd (Richard Tyson) and even Frank (who has escaped
Truman's custody during the turbulence) pitch in and fight the zombie
onslaught. With the plane's radio out of order and the government now
well-aware what is loose on-board, the motley group must find a way
to defeat the virus and stop the government from vaporizing the plane
before it flies over a populated area. Things take a turn for the
worse when both the pilot and co-pilot are infected and the plane
goes on auto pilot. It will take some quick thinking and
self-sacrifice to rid the plane of the zombies, stop the fighter jet
from firing it's rockets and, finally, crash-landing the plane so the
four survivors can walk away. While this film is nothing more
than your basic "zombies-on-the-loose where no one can
escape" scenario that we have seen dozens of times before, this
film has plenty of attitude (and altitude) to spare and generates a
good share of scares and tension. It's also got a wicked sense of
black humor. Also unusual for a film of this type are the
calibre of actors involved, some in nothing but bit parts. Besides
the ones already mentioned, there's Brian Thompson (as the soldier
who guards the virus on the plane and becomes it's first victim),
Raymond Barry (as the pilot), Dale Midkiff (as Dr. Lucas, one of the
early victims), Tucker Smallwood (as Colonel Wolff) and David
Spielberg (as Dr. Conroy). The film also has some very well-done
action and horror set-pieces, such as when Paul accidentally fires
his weapon in the cargo hold and the bullet ends up killing a flight
attendant above or the scene in the plane's bathroom, where we are
led to believe a zombie is going to pop out of the toilet, only to
have it suddenly appear somewhere else. There's even a scene of
zombies rising up out of the ground, only in this case they are
tearing their way from the plane's floors rather than from graves.
The film is very bloody and goes way past an R-rating, as people are
graphically eaten, shot (Paul says, "Two in the chest, one in
the balls!" as he and Truman use the zombies for target
practice) and dismembered. One scene shows a nun (There's one on
every plane, isn't there?) having her legs chewed off as she crawls
away, minus any lower limbs. So much for divine intervention! The
visual humor is in some of the zombie attacks and aftermath and most
of the verbal humor is supplied by Kevin J. O'Connor (DEEP
RISING - 1998; THE MUMMY
- 1999), but director/co-producer/co-scripter Scott Thomas (LATIN
DRAGON
- 2004) never allows the film to drift into satire. He prefers to
play it straight and let the outlandish sights and situations
(including an Asian zombie that can't figure out how to undo his
seatbelt, zombies scurrying away with arms and legs in their mouths
and Long Shot using his golf clubs to decapitate a zombie) speak for
themselves. The zombie makeups and effects are very well done
(although some of the CGI effects are obvious) and the acting is
uniformly excellent, so grab this one and enjoy the ride. It's left
open for a sequel and, for once, I hope it happens. This is one of my
Top Ten independent horror films to be released in 2007. Also
starring Todd Babcock, Siena Goines, Mieko Hillman, Sarah Laine and
Brian Kolodzeij. A New Line Home Entertainment
Release. Unrated.
THE
FOREST (1981) - This disappointing
"terror in the woods" horror film is from a director I
respect (but more on him later), so I guess I was expecting more than
I got. It begins with a married couple hiking in the woods, the wife
fearing that someone is following them. She takes the lead and then
the husband starts to feel the very same way. They forge ahead, but
the husband loses sight of his wife and someone stabs him in
the stomach (one of the film's few examples of quick gore) with a
shiny hunting knife (When the wife hears her husband's death throes,
she says, "Huh? Did you say something" [Yeah, I'm dying,
bitch!]). The woman is now scared shitless, as she backtracks and
sees her husband's bloody corpse, but she then becomes the prey and
eventually ends up with her throat cut with the very same knife. We
are then transported to Los Angeles, where we see various shots of
the usual traffic jams that clog that city's highway system. Caught
in one of those traffic jams are Steve (Dean Russell) and Charlie
(John Natis), where Charlie complains about the constant fog,
sweltering heat and traffic jams
("It took us two hours to go four miles!"). Steve tries to
calm him down, telling Charlie that he needs a vacation and he knows
the exact place: a secret camping site that no one knows about (Charlie:
"Why?" Steve: "Because they don't know
about it!") and talks Charlie into joining him there. It doesn't
take the sharpest tool in the shed to realize where they are heading,
which only means more trouble and death. Steve says he and his
"jailer" (i.e. wife) are not getting along and are thinking
about divorce. The two couples have dinner that night, where Charlie
mentions to his wife Teddi (Ann Wilkinson) that he and Steve are
going camping next weekend, so Teddi and Steve's wife Sharon (actress
Tomi Barrett, who uses the name "Elaine Warner" here) tell
their husbands they are going camping...tomorrow...alone. Charlie and
Steve come up with the idea to follow them there (Sharon knows the
secret camping place because she and Steve have been there before)
but, as they begin to the next day, the radiator on Charlie's Mazda
truck springs a leak and they are delayed by four hours while a
garage mechanic fixes it. The wives know that their husbands are
following them and Sharon becomes concerned when Steve doesn't show
up, but the women start hiking by themselves and eventually make it
to the secret camping spot. They notice that a thunderstorm will hit
in a few hours and try to pitch a tent, but neither one of them knows
how to do it. By the time Charlie and Steve make it to Steve's wife's
parked car, it is rapidly approaching sundown and a Forest Ranger
(played by the director) shows up and warns the two that it is
dangerous to travel in this part of the forest at night because
people have entered and never been seen again. Charlie and Steve
ignore his advice and begin their hike and, as night falls, Charlie
depends on Steve to find his way to the secret camping site. Teddi
and Sharon are sitting around a campfire wondering where their
husbands are and getting scared by the sounds of the forest (we hear
a panther roar, but there are no panthers in the forest!), not
knowing that two ghost children, John Jr. (Corky Pigeon) and Jennifer
(Becki Burke) are talking nearby (we know they are ghosts because,
when they talk, their words echo and reverb). Suddenly, the ghostly
apparition of the children's mother (Jeanette Kelly) appears before
the two frightened women and she asks, "Have you seen my
children? If you do, send them home. They must be punished!"
(The mother has blood dripping down her forehead). The two women are
now scared witless and Sharon starts brandishing a knife, while Steve
and Charlie get lost. The two ghost children go to their house in a
cave, where their father, John (Genre vet Gary Kent, here using the
name "Michael Brody". You really need to read his
autobiography, "Shadows & Light: Journeys With Outlaws in
Revolutionary Hollywood" from Dalton Publishing. It one of
the best books about doing nearly everything in low-budget
filmmaking, laced with personal stories that will make you laugh and
surprise you.), tells his kids that their mother was looking for
them. John is an odd duck to say the least, sitting in a wicker chair
wearing ripped jeans and a t-shirt and sporting a trucker's cap. When
his children tell him that two women are camped out by the river, he
jumps up and goes to get them, but the two ghost children show up
first, John Jr. holding a bloody knife in his hand, the blood
dripping on Teddi's forehead, as the children say, "You must
run. Daddy's coming." Turns out Daddy is a cannibal and hasn't
eaten for days, so he gets his hands on Teddi, stabs her repeatedly
with his knife as she tries to crawl away and finishes her off by
slitting her throat. Sharon runs away and jumps off a cliff into the
river below to escape John, as John returns to collect Teddi's body
and carries her corpse back to his cave as it begins to rain. The
pouring rain just delays Steve and Charlie more, as they are forced
to go into a cave to stay dry, but of all the caves to pick, they
pick the one John resides in. Charlie sees a huge chunk of meat
cooking over a fire pit, not knowing that it is actually a chunk of
flesh taken from his wife's dead body. The two ghost children tell
them that their father will not be too pleased that they are there,
but John suddenly appears and offers to share his meal with them.
Steve says he is not hungry, but Charlie says he will try a piece and
ends up eating a piece of Teddi. Charlie tells John that it is tasty,
but then he gets a sudden chill and doesn't want to eat any more.
When Charlie asks John why he lives in a cave, John actually is
relieved to tell his story to someone for the very first time (cue
the flashback!). John tells a long story about how his wife was
always calling repairmen to fix some piece of kitchen appliance that
has broken down. He really thinks nothing about it until one day when
he comes home early from the butcher shop he works at, sick as a dog.
He catches his wife in bed with the refrigerator repairman and she
flaunts it in John's face, laughing at him. When John asks where
their two children are, he finds his wife has locked them in the
bedroom closet, so he frees them and tells them to go play outside.
The repairman leaves the bedroom to repair the refrigerator, as
John's wife calls him "impotent" and tells him she
regularly breaks appliances so she can sleep with the repairmen that
arrive. John begins to strangle her and then bashes her head against
the edge of the night table, killing her (hence the blood in her
forehead when she is a ghost). John then grabs a butcher knife and
goes outside, tries to kill the repairman and, after a short scuffle,
finally kills him on the large round blade of a huge circular saw (we
really don't see any blood). He brings his children to the forest to
hide, but when the children kill themselves because they are not
"happy" (He doesn't tell Charlie or Steve that part of the
story), John is regularly paid visits by their ghosts as well as his
wife's, who still wants to hurt the children (Can one ghost actually
hurt another? I guess that's a discussion for another time.) The
children don't like their Daddy's killing habits, so they always give
his victims a warning before he attacks, but they still love him
nonetheless. Charlie and Steve leave the camp the following morning
and discover that their wives' campsite is empty. They split up to go
look for them, but have no luck, so they meet back at the campsite,
where Steve finds a trail of blood. Meanwhile, Sharon runs into the
children, who warn her to hide because "Daddy is hunting."
(She finds a great hiding place in a crevass in a boulder). Steve
knows something is wrong and wants to make the six hour hike back to
alert the authorities. After one more quick search, Steve heads back
to civilization, while Charlie remains behind at the campsite in case
the women return. Steve takes a tumble down the rocks and breaks his
leg (there's a quick shot of a leg bone sticking out of his skin),
while the children tell Sharon that one of the men is hurt and the
other one is back at the campsite. Charlie has a scary encounter with
the ghost mother just before being attacked by John (Charlie:
"What are you, crazy?" John: "Crazy? We
all are! I need some food because Winter's coming!"). Charlie
beats up John and runs away,
with
John close behind. They get into a fight in a river, where John
drowns Charlie, strings him upside-down from a tree and starts
skinning him for meat (like a hunter does with a deer, but we really
don't see anything). Sharon sees it all and when John is about to
kill her, the children threaten to disappear and never see him again
(which will leave him alone with his bitch wife's ghost), so he lets
Sharon go. John goes and finds Steve and just as he is about to kill
him, Sharon appears and stabs John to death with his own knife. I
guess Steve and Sharon have reconciled and divorce is off the table,
but John's wife watches as John and the children disappear forever,
leaving her to roam the forest alone for all eternity. The only one
that will be "punished" is her. Since this film was
directed and written by Don Jones, who was responsible for some good
horror films and thrillers (WHO
DID COCK ROBIN? - 1970; SCHOOLGIRLS
IN CHAINS - 1973 [also starring Gary Kent]; THE
LOVE BUTCHER - 1975 [which he co-directed with Mikel Angel]; LETHAL
PURSUIT - 1988; and MOLLY
AND THE GHOST - 1991), I was expecting a little more than I
got in this film. The bloodletting is kept to a minimum, which is
weird because of the cannibalism angle. I guess Jones was just doing
this film for the hell of it, as he offers none of his usual tension
or black humor like in most if his other films and is very light on
the gore that people would expect in horror films from the
early-80's. Besides being a director and screenwriter, Jones was a
cinematographer and director of photography (he shot this film using
the name "Nod Senoj", which will have cryptographers
working overtime...not!), shooting such films as HOUSE
OF SEVEN
CORPSES (1973); SWINGER'S
MASSACRE (1975); MY
BOYS ARE GOOD BOYS (1977) and others, so he was a talented
guy. None of that talent appears in this film, which is probably why
Gary Kent, who worked on a lot more worse films with Al Adamson (DRACULA
VS. FRANKENSTEIN [1971] being one of them) using his real
name, uses a pseudonym here. This is a pretty tame
terror-in-the-woods film, whose subject matter should have made it
much, much gorier, which makes it my least favorite of Don Jones'
films. Originally released on VHS by Prism
Entertainment, with a budget VHS from Starmaker
Entertainment a few years later. This on one of the first DVDs
released by Code Red (the spine number is 003) and then it was
released by Code Red on a double
feature DVD with the film DON'T
GO IN THE WOODS (1981) as part of their "Exploitation
Cinema Double Feature" line (now discontinued). Both DVDs
command big bucks on the collectors market. This review is based on
the stand-alone DVD anamorphic widescreen print, which isn't perfect
(there are instances of vertical emulsion scratches and dirt
sprinkled throughout the print), but it is perfectly acceptable to
watch if you are a fan of this genre. Also starring Tony Gee,
Stafford Morgan, Marilyn Anderson and J.L. Clark. A Code
Red DVD Release. Rated R.
FRANKENSTEIN
VS. THE MUMMY (2015) -
Although this film runs a tad too long at 115 minutes, at least the
title delivers on its promise. This is not your 30's & 40's
version of Frankenstein's Monster and the Mummy, because this is a
rather gory flick, but when was the last time you saw a pair of
legendary monsters square off (and I do not consider Al Adamson's DRACULA
VS. FRANKENSTEIN [1971] a legitimate battle because, let's
face it, the film is barely watchable)? I can't think of any other
film besides FRANKENSTEIN
MEETS THE WOLF MAN (1943) as the last legitimate serious
horror film where we saw two monster icons fight to the death. That's
a long, long time. Even though you will have to wait until this
film's final 15 minutes to see the monster bashing, there is
thankfully a lot of gore in the rest of the film to keep you happy.
After the film offers this quote from Mary Shelley: "Thus
strangely are our souls constructed, and
by such slight ligaments are we bound to prosperity or ruin.",
we are in the modern-day, where Dr. Victor Frankenstein (Max Rhyser;
who acted in the film RAZORTOOTH
[2007] under the name "Max Rishoj") is handing a pile of
cash to university janitor Carter (John Pickett), so Carter can supply
him with fresh corpses for his experiments. Victor is a teacher at
the same university and this week's subject is "The Philosophy
of Medicine", where he asks his students what it means to
"exist". One student replies so we try to be immortal like
God and Victor agrees, telling all of them that they have a piece of
God in them; they just have to find it and use it to their full
potential (Victor is most probably an Atheist and the word
"God" basically means to him the "creation" of
life.). Another teacher at the university, Naihla Khalil (Ashton
Leigh; AMERICAN HORROR HOUSE
- 2012), who is Victor's girlfriend, has just returned from an
expedition to Egypt to study pyramids and has come back with a 6th
Dynasty, 3,000 year-old mummy named Userkara and has brought him to a
lab in the university ("Artistic License #1": No country,
especially Egypt, would let an artifact like that ever leave their
country). This is one of the oldest mummies ever found in the world
and Victor notices that his ears are missing, where research
scientist Isaac (Robert MacNaughton; the oldest brother of Henry
Thomas in E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL
[1982], in one of his very few films as an adult) tells Victor that
his ears were cut off while he was still alive (Victor says, "He
must have really pissed someone off!", to which Naihla replies,
"You don't know the half of it." I wonder what she meant by
that?). Isaac also says that an ancient scroll was found next to the
mummy, written in a language not seen before (apparently, he was an
evil pharaoh not written about in any texts or ancient books) and
when Naihla translated the scroll, it says in effect that Userkara's
soul is trapped within his mummified body for eternity and anyone who
dares to desecrate the body are doomed to an agonizing death
("Artistic License #2": If the scroll was written in an
ancient language no one has ever seen before, how did Naihla
translate it?). The piece of scroll describing how to release
Userkara's soul is missing, but "greater-than-thou"
scientist Professor Walton (T. Boomer Tibbs; PARANORMAL
ASYLUM - 2013) thinks the scroll is nothing but a scare
tactic put next to the body to deter tomb raiders from stealing
artifacts from Userkara's crypt. He couldn't be more wrong. It seems
Carter doesn't acquire corpses for Victor, he creates them, as we
seem him viciously stab a homeless man (Martin Pfeffercom) in the
stomach with a long knife and then cut the top of the bum's head off
with a hacksaw, removing his brain. Cut to Victor and Naihla having a
romantic dinner, where she jokingly accuses Victor of being an
Atheist (which I believe he is) or a Satanist (which I firmly believe
he isn't), for having different views than her on life and the
afterlife (She says that old standby: "There are powers on Earth
greater than anyone can imagine."). Professor Walton, not
heeding the scroll's warning, cuts open the mummy's chest when no one
is around and a gas is released from the incision, knocking the
Professor out. When he comes to, he now has some type of psychic
connection to Userkara and Isaac returns from his dinner break to
discover that the Professor has removed the oldest known stone
carving of the Eye Of Horus (an ancient Egyptian symbol of
protection) from the mummy's chest. The Professor then proceeds to
slit Isaac's throat with a scalpel, making sure that the blood
flowing out of the gaping wound covers Userkara's face. The mummy
absorbs all the blood like it was never there and then we hear the
sound of a beating heart. Victor tells Naihla that he got into
medicine for a reason: His mother committed suicide (she slit her
wrists in a bathtub) when he was a very young boy and, since then, he
wants to know if death is permanent or if it can be reversed,
something he has never told anyone before (then we have the
prerequisite nude lovemaking scene). The next morning, Naihla goes
down to her lab (Victor has left earlier without saying goodbye,
which pisses her off) and discovers that something was removed from
Userkara's chest. She also notices that Professor Walton is acting
very strangely (he tells her he has been suffering from headaches)
and he also acts very strange when he is teaching his students about
Horus (the ancient Egyptians' national patron god who was usually
depicted as a falcon-headed man wearing the pschent, or a red and
white crown) and cuts the class short. Female student Lenora
(Stefanie Merola) agrees to meet the Professor later that night at
the lab to talk about an internship. We finally see Victor working in
his laboratory, when Carter enters and demands $30,000 for the bum's
brain. If Victor doesn't pay him the money, he will implicate him in
the murder of a homeless man. When Carter notices a dismembered human
hand moving by itself, Victor has no choice but to throw acid into
Carter's face and then stab him to death (In Victor's defense, he was
lying down on his back holding the knife when Carter tripped and fell
on it so, technically, Victor is not a murderer). With the bum's
brain in pieces on the floor, Victor has no option but to use
Carter's brain (that would not be my first choice), so he grabs a
hacksaw, cuts off the top of Carter's head and removes his brain,
then stitching his piecemeal body together and shooting it full of so
much electricity, the body begins to smoke. He is heartbroken because
he thinks his experiment was a failure and he totally misses a date
he set up with Naihla that night, which even pisses her off more. But
was Victor's experiment actually a failure? Lenora shows up at the
lab to talk to the Professor about the internship, but Userkara
(Brandon deSpain; who also played the mummy in the Danny Glover DTV
disaster DAY OF THE MUMMY
[2014]) rises from his table for the first time, rips out her heart
with his bare hands and eats it (he even makes the Professor eat a
piece!). Userkara orders the Professor to bring Naihla to him, while
Victor chops-up Carter's body, stuffs the pieces in plastic bags and
hides them under a grate in his floor. He also notices that his naked
creature is missing from the gurney and, when he turns around, the
creature (Constantin Tripes) bites Victor's hand, but Victor is able
to knock out the creature with some chloroform and chain him to a
wall (in a tribute to the original Boris Karloff FRANKENSTEIN
[1932], Victor yells out, "It's alive!"). The creature, who
has the ability to speak and read, is still as ugly as my Aunt Martha
without her makeup. Detective Brynner (Rahul Rai) is brought in to
investigate the disappearances of Lenora and Isaac and Naihla thinks
that the Professor is responsible, but she has no proof. The
Professor tries to get Naihla to get close to the mummy, but she
doesn't trust him and leaves the lab. Victor tries to apologize to
Naihla for the missed date and leaving her bedroom early without
saying goodbye, but she sees the bite on Victor's hand and follows
him back to the lab. She watches Victor talking to the creature, when
Victor notices her spying on him and catches her as she tries to run
away. He tries to explain to her what he is doing. but all she can
say to him is, "You're insane!". The creatures breaks free
of his shackles on the wall and plots revenge against Victor
(remember, this is Carter's brain in the creature). A nosy security
guard enters Victor's lab and the creature rips his innards out,
followed by removing his lower jaw with his bare hands. When Victor
returns alone to his lab, he discovers the creature is now dressed in
Carter's clothes and knocks Victor out. When he wakes up, Victor is
chained to a pipe and the creature tells him that if he doesn't
transplant his brain into a better-looking body, he will kill Naihla
(a few moments before, he sees his monster face in a mirror and
breaks it, not worrying about a seven year curse). Userkara then
kills student William (Daniel Rodas) next, pulling out a piece of his
brain through his nose using a thin metal instrument with a hook on
the end (the way Egyptians prepared their mummies in ancient times).
Both Frankenstein's Monster and Userkara are interested in Naihla, so
I think we can all see what is coming: a monster brawl. Poor Naihla
can't catch a break no matter where she runs, so she grabs a gun on
the lab's floor, pumps a few shots into Userkara's body (with no
effect) and then heads to Victor's lab, where she frees him with a
well-placed shot to the chain. Naihla is one smart cookie, though, as
she convinces Userkara that she is his superior by talking in his
ancient language ("Artistic License #3": How did Naihla
learn to speak a heretofore unknown language in such a short time?)
and tells him to kill the Professor. Userkara stabs Professor Walton
and then cuts off his tongue, nose, ears and eyes (he squishes the
eyes in his hands) then kills Victor and impales Naihla on the leg
with an ancient spear, but the final 15 minutes are pure monster
destruction. Frankenstein's
Monster
and Userkara get into a royal rumble, where they fly through walls
and use anything they can find as weapons. Frankenstein's Monster
finally wins, cutting off one of Userkara arms, ripping out his heart
and pulverizes his head by using his fists like a vise. Seeing that
Victor is dead, the Monster tries to kill Naihla, but Victor isn't
quite dead yet, as he plant's a cleaver into his creation's cranium,
killing him. Victor then actually dies, but not before telling Naihla
that he loves her and telling her to burn his journal so no one can
replicate his experiment. She takes a can full of gas, douses
everything with it and sets it on fire, watching her love, what
remains of the two creatures and Victor's journal burn to a crisp.
Now taped off as a crime scene, one of Victor's students, Trevor
(Sean Rogers), tears down the tape and finds Victor's microcassette
recorder beneath the burned journal ("Artistic License #4":
Wouldn't the Crime Scene Unit have found that recorder as evidence?).
The recorder still works, as Trevor listens to Victor describe his
experiment from beginning to end. A new Victor Frankenstein is
born. Like I said earlier, the film is overlong, has some major
plot holes and could use some judicious trimming, but
director/screenwriter/editor/special effects makeup artist Damien
Leone (ALL HALLOWS' EVE
- 2013; which was also released on a double
feature Blu-Ray with the film MISCHIEF
NIGHT - 2013) makes a pretty good monster film, complete
with some excellent makeup and gore effects (both Frankenstein's
Monster and Userkara look terrific and the gore scenes go far enough
for this film to be released without a rating and they are expertly
done). My only real problem with this film is that Max Rhyser as Dr.
Victor Frankenstein is a little too genteel to be taken seriously as
a person who would defy the law to get what he needs. He comes off
like some stable person who wouldn't hurt a soul (and would attend
peace rallies), even though his experiments scream otherwise (Let's
not get into a discussion on whether desecrating a corpse is nothing
but a misdemeanor. It does affect the victims' family, whether they
know about it or not.). He just isn't menacing enough. He's like the TWILIGHT
(2008) version of Dr. Frankenstein. It seems like his experiments are
merely a sideline, as it takes more that half the film to actually
see him in his lab. The scene where Carter is talking to the homeless
guy before he kills him is one of the film's most effective scenes.
Carter asks the guy all types of questions, like why he doesn't stay
at a shelter ("I'd rather be in prison instead!"), if he
has any friends, his daughter (the bum has a blanket his daughter
made him and he tells Carter as long as he has this blanket, it
doesn't matter where he sleeps) and other personal questions, leading
up to the homeless guy getting stabbed in the gut, with Carter's
other hand over the bum's mouth telling him, "Your daughter will
never have to worry about you again." It's a telling scene about
how Carter picks out his victims because, even though he's a
psychopath at heart, he still wants to make sure that his victims'
deaths affect as few people as possible. Even though the film sports
a 2015 copyright, I had the feeling that this film was made earlier,
because the last description of Victor's experiments that he left on
his microcassette recorder was dated 2013. Besides the film's length
and some very apparent plot holes, this is a pretty decent monster
film that delivers on its promise and tosses in plenty of bloody
gore. Also featuring Malika Franklin, Nicholas Deluca, Alexis Lear,
Nick Siano, Bryan Payor, Tien Law and Christine Simon. An RLJ
Entertainment/Image Entertainment
DVD Release. Not Rated.
FREAK
(1997) - Nine years ago, in Vahalla Mills, Ohio, a fat,
disgusting (and pregnant) abusive mother keeps her facially deformed
son locked in the attic, slapping him around and chaining him up like
a dog. Mom unlocks the chains so he can eat and then goes into labor,
running downstairs to deliver her baby girl, which she then throws
into a burning barrel outside. The son sees her throw the baby into
the fire and rescues it, then going to his mother (who is
recuperating in bed) and caving her head in with a rock. A few days
later, the police arrive and, since they can't find the mother, the
baby girl is sent to Child Services and the deformed boy is sent to
an institution. In
the present day, Stacy (Amy Paliginoff) and her nine year-old
adoptive sister Jodi (Andrea Johnson) are moving from Indianapolis to
Virginia Beach after the sudden death of Stacy's parents. At the same
time, the malformed boy, now an adult called Keller, is being moved
to a different institution, when he escapes. As Stacy and Jodi enter
Ohio on their way to Virginia Beach, they will cross paths with
Keller and neither Stacy or Jodi will come out unaffected. I submit
that you should look at Jodi's age and the fact that she's adopted to
connect the dots. Keller kidnaps Jodi and heads to his mother's
house. Stacy joins forces with Jason (Travis Patton), the security
guard that let Keller escape, to find Jodi and stop Keller's killing
spree. This ultra-low-budget film by first time
director/producer/writer Tyler Tharpe takes a while to get moving,
but once it does it's pretty entertaining. It's not hard to spot the
telegraphed connection between Keller and Jodi and Tharpe reveals it
at the halfway mark. Although the premise for Keller's escape is kind
of weak (Jason is on probation, so he doesn't report the escape
because he doesn't want to lose his job!), the film does build a fair
amount of suspense without being overly bloody. There's a surprising
reveal about Keller's condition near the end of the film (he lost one
of his senses, which explains his behavior all his life). The
showdown between Stacy and Keller is much too quick and is somewhat
disappointing. The film suffers from a grainy transfer and the
non-acting talents of little Andrea Johnson, who looks and acts like
she would rather be any place but here. The ending is also a letdown
as it seems Keller is way too easy to kill. Still, for a debut film,
it's none too bad and is worth at least one look. Also on the DVD is
a short black & white film called HEADCHEESE (2001), a
pretentious TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
(1975)-inspired story co-produced by Kim Henkel (co-writer of the
original TCM) that was filmed on several locations used in TCM.
Using sound effects, quick-cutting and weird visuals, this insipid
film induced headaches rather than terror. I've crapped more
interesting things. A Shock-O-Rama DVD Release. Rated R.
THE
FREAKMAKER (1973) - Step right up
ladies and gentlemen. Come and see the mistakes of nature. The only
problem is, some of the mistakes had human hands involved. The film
opens with some striking time-lapse photography of plants coming to
life as Professor Nolter (Donald Pleasence) lectures his university
students about certain species of plants that act like animals. He
tells his students that one day we will be able to take a single cell
from a fossil and grow a dinosaur by cloning it (pre-dating JURASSIC
PARK by 20 years!). But what the Professor is really
trying to do is fuse humans with the mutant carnivorous plants he
has created, the result being a human/plant hybrid that will survive
our uncertain future. The Professor has the horribly ugly Mr. Lynch
(Tom Baker) snatch students from the university for use in his
illicit experiments in exchange for the Professor reversing the
effects of Mr. Lynch's deformed face (a task you know immediately
that Nolter will never honor). The mistakes of Nolter's experiments
are sent to Mr. Lynch's freak show, where paying customers scream and
faint at the sight of them after paying an extra charge for the
privilege. During the middle part of the film we are shown an actual
freak show, where the diminutive co-owner and ringmaster Burns
(Michael Dunn, who died shortly after making this film) introduces us
to the Monkey Woman (Madge Garnett), the Human Pincushion (O.T.), the
Frog Boy (Felix Duarte), the Alligator Girl (Ester Blackmon) and the
infamous Popeye (Willie Ingram), a tall black man who can pop his
eyes out of their sockets (I swear I threw up in my mouth a little!).
Some university students (Julie Ege and Jill Haworth) and a visiting
professor (Brad Harris) become suspicious when their friend Tony
(Scott Anthony) turns up missing after visiting the freak show. After
operating on Tony and transforming him into a walking Venus Flytrap
mutation (who escapes), Nolter shows his true colors: a meglomaniac
who cares only about his results and nothing about human life. After
he has Lynch kidnap Ege for another experiment, his escaped mutation
comes back for some payback. Not to be outdone, when Lynch shows his
contempt for the freaks, it ends up biting him in the ass. Originally
released as THE MUTATIONS and
later changed to THE FREAKMAKER,
this only horror effort by award winning cinematographer and
director Jack Cardiff (THE LONG SHIPS
- 1963; GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE
- 1968) is a darn good horror flick that contains good scares, weird
plant mutation creations, great colorful set direction and a music
score that can best be described as eclectic. I liked that the
script, by Robert D. Weinbach (also the producer) and Edward Mann,
showcases the real-life freaks as human beings who look after each
other as if they were one big family. You really feel for them when
outsiders look at them with disgust. The DVD contains a wonderful
featurette about making the film (which cost $400,000 to make), with
interviews of Cardiff, Brad Harris and Weinbach (who supplies some
hilarious anecdotes about Harris and Popeye). There's also a hidden
Easter Egg that gives you the opening with THE MUTATIONS
title. The DVD box says: "It's the 70's version of the cult
classic FREAKS!" It's that
and a whole lot more. Recommended. A Subversive
Cinema DVD Release. Rated R.
THE
FREEWAY MANIAC (1987) - Here's
the film in a nutshell: An escaped mental patient terrorizes and
kills the cast and crew who are filming a low-budget sci-fi flick in
the middle of the desert. Yeah, I know. Big deal. The psychopath,
Arthur (James Courtney), who has severe mother issues (We watch him,
as a child, kill his slutty mother and her one night stand white
trash boyfriend with a butcher knife), escapes from the loony bin
rather easily (this mental hospital has the worst security ever!) and
begins his path of death and destruction. He kills a guy walking his
dog, steals his car and drives towards the desert. At the same time,
a young model/actress named Linda (Loren Winters) comes home early to
find her boyfriend screwing another woman. Hurt deeply, she hops in
her car and drives blindly into the desert, where her car breaks down
and she is forced to walk to the nearest gas station, a ramshackle
dive run by the lecherous Ray (Jeff Morris). When Ray puts the moves
on her, Linda runs away, right into the arms of Arthur, who decided
to stop for gas. Arthur murders Ray and tries to do the same to
Linda, but she fights him off (by hitting him with a car) and
escapes to safety. Linda becomes a local celebrity when Arthur is
recaptured; he grows more and more obsessed with Linda the more she
is profiled for her bravery on the TV news. Linda uses her new-found
fame to secure a starring role in a cheap sci-fi film and when Arthur
catches wind of her new fame, thanks to newspapers and daily news
reports, he goes full-tilt bozo and escapes the asylum again
(Everyone that works there should be fired for incompetence, not only
for letting him escape again, but also for supplying him with
newspapers and TV that feeds his obsession!). The Linda-obsessed
Arthur steals a big rig (after killing the driver), kills a bunch of
wise-ass teens in a pickup truck (by running them over) and then
heads towards the film shoot by foot once the truck breaks down,
stopping long enough to kill a couple necking in yet another pickup
truck and a couple of hikers. When the producer of the film, Bert
(Sheperd Sanders), and Linda's agent, Steven (Donald Hotton; ONE
DARK NIGHT - 1982), are notified that Arthur has escaped,
they decide not to tell Linda for strictly personal financial
reasons. As more cast and crew of the film shoot end up missing,
Linda's cheating boyfriend arrives on the set and saves Linda from
the clutches of Arthur. Or does he? Thankfully, the threat of a
sequel never materialized. The best way to describe this
low-budget horror film with one simple word?: Lacking. The only thing
this film has going in it's favor is some female nudity, as the rest
of the film is dreary, from it's one-note villain, the terrible
acting, the static camera work and the dearth of any notable gore.
Director/co-producer Paul Winters (RED
BLOOD - 2001), who also co-wrote the screenplay with master
of the macabre illustrator Gahan Wilson, misses every opportunity
possible to offer the audience something to like or at least find
interesting. The killings are mostly bloodless, with the camera
pulling away rather than focusing-in on the blood and gore. The sad
fact is that the little snippets we see of the film-within-the-film
seem infinitely more enjoyable than the actual film itself. At no
time does Arthur seem like someone who could scare a ten year-old,
never mind an adult. He looks and talks like some regular Joe, yet he
survives getting shot, being thrown off the hood of a speeding car
and other situations that would kill, or at least maim, a normal
person. I love where films like this try to get away with making
their villains superhuman or supernatural for the mere fact that
they've spent most of their lives in a mental institution. It seems
to me they would be the exact opposite, weak and slow. Basically, THE
FREEWAY MANIAC is a complete bore, offering nothing new or
remotely interesting to it's intended audience. This is an
anti-horror horror film that's a slap in the face to anyone who
watches it. Gahan Wilson (who designed the film's only funny prop,
the "Sand Clam" used in the film-within-the-film) would
rather we all forget this film was made (he refuses to talk about
it). Follow his advice. Robert Bloch and Stan Lee are thanked in the
closing credits. Also starring Robert Bruce, Dale Howard, Ronny
Kenney, Trisha Hutton, Thad Greer, Jason Christmas, James Maniaci,
Bob Harvey and Joe Perry. This Cannon Films Production was released
on VHS by Media
Home Entertainment and is not available on DVD. Rated R.
FROGS
(1972) - Thanks in part to the success of WILLARD
(1971), American International Picture wanted their own "nature
gone amuck" film and fast-tracked this film, which I consider
the first real true 70's "nature gone amuck" film because
it actually dealt with man's inhumanity to "lower" species,
polluting their grounds until they just had nothing else to do but
retaliate. This was a huge success for A.I.P. (who kind of misled
audiences believing that the frogs were huge because one of them
holds a human hand in its mouth) and I have to say that for a PG-Rated
film, this one really pushes the boundaries (a few death scenes had
to be trimmed in order to get a PG Rating, but those cuts were
restored beginning with Warner Home Video's VHS release of the film
and it was still Rated PG). The film opens with ecologist Pickett
Smith (and impossibly young and pre-moustache and beard Sam Elliott; ROAD
HOUSE - 1989), who is taking photos of garbage and other
things (such as dead animals) littering a lake in Florida. He is on
assignment to write about how human pollution affects the ecology,
especially animals, reptiles
and even insects. His canoe is tipped over by a drunk Clint Crockett
(Adam Roarke; DIRTY MARY
CRAZY LARRY - 1974) as he is piloting a speedboat with his
sister Karen (Joan Van Ark; THE
LAST DINOSAUR - 1977) on board. Pickett loses all his
equipment when his canoe overturns, so, after he pulls Clint in the
water (Clint knows he deserves it), he and Karen take Pickett to the
island owned by Clint & Karen's perpetually drunk
wheelchair-bound father Jason Crockett (Ray Milland; an Academy
Award-winning actor who, at this stage in his career, was
starring in B-Films like THE
THING WITH TWO HEADS [1972] and TERROR
IN THE WAX MUSEUM [1973] ), who bosses everyone around like
any patriarch would. It is July and three of the Crocketts are having
birthdays (Including Jason, who was born of the Fourth of July), so
the whole Crockett clan are at the secluded island mansion, including
Clint's also hard-drinking wife Jenny (Lynn Borden; BLACK
MAMA WHITE MAMA - 1973), grandkids Jay (Hal Hodges) and Tina
(Dale Willingham), cousins Michael (David Gillam; THE
FIFTH MISSILE - 1986), Iris (Holly Irving; TWO-MINUTE
WARNING - 1976), Stuart (George Skaff; THE
MANHANDLERS - 1973), and Kenneth Martindale (Nicolas
Cortland; BONNIE'S KIDS
- 1972), who brings along black girlfriend Bella (Judy Pace; THE
SLAMS - 1973) with him (something Jason is not too pleased
with, to put it politely), as well as black maid Maybelle (Mae
Mercer; THE BEGUILED - 1971)
and butler Charles (Lance Taylor, Sr.; BLACULA
- 1972) who have served Jason for years. When the perpetually drunk
Jason finds out that Pickett is an ecologist, he hires him to find
out why so many frogs (of every type) are swarming on his island
(some of the bullfrogs are as large as a cat) and also to see if he
can find one of his employees who was searching for the downed wire
of the telephone service, since the phones aren't working in the
mansion right now. It's not very long before Pickett discovers that
there is more than a frog problem on this island. as he finds the
dead body of Jason's employee, with swarms of snakes of every type
crawling all over his body (which is unheard of in nature). Pickett
flips the body of the employee, where we get a good look at his
snake-bitten swollen face, one of the first instances of where this
would never pass for a PG Rating today. Pickett decides to keep the
man's death a secret between just him and Jason, because he does not
want to panic anyone, but it is apparent that the reptiles and
insects want to take over the island. Pickett believes Mother Nature
is in a state of revolt because of the way we are abusing her, as the
big-assed frogs jump at the windows and deadly snakes hang from a
chandelier (Jason just pulls out his pistol and nonchalantly shoots
it!). Even tough most of the family wants to leave to island, Jason
demands that they stay, because tomorrow is his birthday and "We
are the ugly rich!". A romance begins brewing between Karen and
Pickett as they celebrate Jason's birthday, but Jay and Tina think it
will be funny to scare some frogs by throwing firecrackers at them
(They will soon learn that it is not funny at all). Since the phone
still isn't working, Stuart takes the Jeep and follows the phone line
down the road until he can find the break in the line. while Pickett
does some exploring of the island of his own (where he discovers many
instances of nature out of balance). Stuart steps out of the Jeep to
shoot a pheasant he sees in the air and when he goes to recover the
body, he trips and shoots himself in his knee with the shotgun. While
he is on the ground writhing in pain, hundreds of spiders spin a web
around him like a cocoon until he is unable to move. He is then
bitten to death by the spiders (good macro-photography of a real
spider's mouth as it is about to bite) and is then covered completely
by webs so no one can find him (I'm sure he'll make a good meal for
all these spiders). Kenneth is the next to die when he is in the
greenhouse and lizards of every kind (including Gila monsters) knock
some poison off a shelf and Kenneth dies of asphyxiation due to the
poisonous gas that quickly fills up the greenhouse. As Bella and
Pickett discover his body, the frog population starts to grow
enormously, so it is apparent that the deaths will be coming a lot
quicker. Iris is killed while butterfly hunting while she is soused.
She is nearly attacked by snakes, but she manages to get away, only
to land in a bog and be covered with leeches (as she is pulling the
bloody buggers off her face, we are again reminded how this would
never pass with a PG Rating today). She is then bitten by a
rattlesnake and dies, while the frogs watch. (It was originally
filmed that she dies in a pool of quicksand while chasing
butterflies, but it was deemed too ridiculous for the movie, but you
can still see that death in the film's theatrical trailer, which is
included on the Blu-Ray). Michael searches for Iris, only to be
killed and eaten by a bunch of alligators, as the frogs gleefully
watch and croak away (The stunt man substituting for Michael wrestles
a real alligator). We then see his bloody body being dragged away by
an alligator, another scene you would never see in a PG film today.
Karen, once again, wants to leave the island, but Jason will not let
anything or anybody ruin his special day. Pickett wants everyone off
the island, but Jason once asserts his authority again, only allowing
Bella, Maybelle and Charles to leave (he fires both Maybelle and
Charles, even though they have given the better portions their lives
serving him), instructing Clint to return the speedboat once he drops
them off at the dock on the other end of the lake. When they arrive
at the dock, they find it strangely empty and full of frogs, as
Bella, Maybelle and Charles are attacked by birds, their fates still
unknown. Clint is at the dock when he notices the speedboat's mooring
rope has been chewed through and the boat is several hundred yards
out in the lake. He jumps in the lake to swim to the boat, but he
doesn't make it, as first something bites him under the water and
then a deadly cottonmouth snake bites him just as he is about to get
into the boat, killing him. Jenny sees all this happen while she is
watching through binoculars at the lake's edge, but her feet get
stuck in the mud and she is killed by a large snapping turtle.
Pickett, Karen and the kids escape by using the canoe, but it becomes
snagged on something, forcing Pickett to get out of the canoe and
free whatever it is stuck on. Several cottonmouths try to bite him,
but he fights them off and frees the canoe and they make it to the
other dock (he fires a shotgun and kills an alligator following
them). They notice how extremely quiet it is (Pickett discovers
Bella's suitcase destroyed and knows that she, Maybelle and Charles
are dead). A stubborn Jason stays alone in his mansion, as the frogs
break the windows and invade the mansion (He even thinks the phone is
ringing, but there is nothing but croaking on the other end of the
line. Man, these are smart frogs!). He falls out of his wheelchair,
as the frogs cover his body and finally kill someone: the person
whose company is one of the worst polluters in Florida, namely Jason.
Pickett, Karen and the kids get picked up by a mother and her young
son in a station wagon. The woman makes a comment that they are the
first people they have seen for over three hours, as her son shows
Jay and Tina what he has caught while at camp: a giant bullfrog. Yes,
Mother Nature has attacked the entire planet and now humans are the
disposable species, which just proves one thing: Don't fuck with Mother
Nature, because she will always win. At the end of the final credits,
we are shown a cartoon frog swallowing a human hand in one of the
first post-credit sequences that I can recall in films. Like I said
in the beginning of this review, I consider this the first
"nature gone amuck" films of the 70's and after this became
a hit for American International (thanks to a great advertising
campaign, with the tag line "Today - the pond! Tomorrow -
the world!"), there were a bunch of other films in the same
genre released, such as STANLEY
(1972); FANGS (1974); RATTLERS
(1975; DAY OF THE ANIMALS
(1976), SQUIRM
(1976), THE PACK (1977), NIGHTWING
(1979) and even TV Movies, including TARANTULAS:
THE DEADLY CARGO (1976); THE
BEASTS ARE ON
THE STREETS (1978) and MANEATERS
ARE LOOSE (1978; I'm purposely keeping giant animal/insect
and killer bee films out of this because I consider them completely
different genres). There were literally dozens of these films made in
the 70's (I've barely scratched the surface in my choice of titles)
and in nearly all the cases, it was man who turned these species
against us. The 70's was an ecology-minded decade (where the 80's was
all about "Me! Me! Me!") and then we became more concerned
with terrorists with politicians turning their backs on the ecology
(and global warming) and instilling a different fear into the
population: The fear that your next door neighbor could be a
terrorist. This is why the films made in the 70's had much more meat
to them and were meaningful, if a little myopic (They were very
serious issues back then, but playing armchair quarterback today,
nothing much became of them). Director George McCowan (who passed
away in 1995) was mainly known as a TV director, directing episodes
of plenty of TV series while occasionally turning out a TV Movie (the
under-appreciated THE LOVE WAR
- 1970; and THE RETURN
OF THE MOD SQUAD - 1989) and stepping out theatrically to
make films like SHADOW OF
THE HAWK (1976) and THE
SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME (1979; The less said about this
film, the better). The screenplay, by Robert Hutchinson and Robert
Blees (WHOEVER
SLEW AUNTIE ROO? - 1971; SAVAGE
HARVEST - 1981; another "nature run amuck" film,
this time about lions) is really nothing but a string of animal and
insect attacks connected together by the thinnest of plots (Mainly,
Ray Milland acting like a bully), but it is a well-made film that
doesn't overstay its welcome. Originally released on VHS by Warner
Home Video and then on DVD by MGM's "Midnite Movies"
line. It is now available on a gorgeous double-feature
Blu-Ray (with Bert I. Gordon's FOOD
OF THE GODS - 1976) from Scream Factory. The anamorphic
widescreen print is flawless and you can see that actual live
reptiles and insects were used in the making of this. No cheap CGI or
anamatronic puppets. If you like horror films from the 70's (don't
worry about the PG Rating because, back in the 70's, the rating was
more adult in nature and they got away with a lot more than PG films
today, especially in the violence department), by all means buy this
wonderful record of the 70's. A Scream
Factory Blu-Ray Release. Rated PG.
FROM
BENEATH (2011)
- Simply horrid Canadian horror film with enough plot
inconsistencies to fill a book. After a rather atmospheric opening
where we watch Dan Kentley (Blake Retter), who looks like he is
turning into something inhuman (one of his eyes is yellow and his
body is full of black sores and veins), throwing a young girl into a
lake and something grabs her, we then switch to the film proper,
which goes downhill so fast, you'll feel as if you're watching a
soapbox derby. Unmarried couple Sam (Lauren Watson) and Jason (Jamie
Temple) drive to the desolated farmhouse (you can tell this movie is
Canadian because they use the word "kilometers" instead of
"miles") of her sister Elizabeth, husband (who is Dan
Kentley) and two young daughters, who have started an internet
business and want solitude. They get to the house and find it empty,
so they follow a path outside in which they find a creepy barn and
then go further, where the path ends at the lake we saw at the
beginning of the film. They decide to take a swim in the lake (even
though when they were in the barn we could see their breath, telling
us it was
freezing outside), strip down to their underwear (don't expect any
nudity because there isn't any) and jump in. When they get out, Jason
spots a leech-like creature crawling on Sam's back, so he knocks it
off and steps on it. That's when he notices that he has one of those
creatures crawling inside his leg. They go back to the house and Sam
dresses the wound on Jason's leg, they make love (Really?) and she
tells him that she loves him, but he can't say it back (he has
committment issues due to something that happened in his childhood).
The wound becomes more and more infected, causing the same types of
black veins on his leg as we saw on Dan's body. Sam tries to call for
an ambulance on a land line in one of the many phones in the house
(her cell phone doesn't work because they are in a dead zone, one of
the oldest excuses in a horror film since cell phones became
commonplace), but the lines are dead, so they decide to drive back to
civilization. Of course, the car doesn't work (another horror film
stereotype), so they go back to the house, where Jason begins
hallucinating and tries to strangle Sam a couple of times. Rather
than running away, Sam stays with Jason because he finally says
"I love you" (C'mon now!), as his leg becomes more and more
infected. They notice a locked door and find the key under a
waterproof flashlight. They open the door and find Elizabeth's
decomposing body. Jason talks Sam into moving the body out of the
house and leave it by the lake (He doesn't want it to be put where
Sam can see it out the window!). Jason finally becomes a monster
while Sam goes back to the lake, where she finds a sign hidden under
the grass that says the lake is off limits for swimming due to
biological contamination (The closest you'll ever find out exactly
what these creatures are). When she goes back to the house, Jason
knocks her out and carries her back to the lake, where tentacles grab
Sam on her leg and begin dragging her underwater. Noticing that
bright light seems to be the creatures (and Jason's) kryptonite, she
uses the flashlight on the tentacles and on Jason, getting out of the
water in the nick of time. For just a moment, Jason become human
again, grabs the flashlight and jumps into the lake, where we see a
blast of bright light and nothing else. At the finale, Sam discovers
she is pregnant, lifts up her shirt and has black veins on her
stomach. She screams. THE END. I can't begin to tell you how bad this
film is, but I can tell you who to blame. His name is David Doucette
and he directed, wrote, co-produced, did the cinematography and
edited this hellish effort, every one for the first time on a
feature-length film (it clocks in at a scant 82 minutes and the end
credits only last for about 30 seconds because the majority of names
are Doucette's. It doesn't even have a copyright date.). His
screenplay for this ultra-low-budget effort is the biggest problem of
the film and contains so many holes, it would make a swarm of moths
in a sweater factory jealous. The biggest hole is why there are no
computers in Sam's sister's house when they are running an internet
business? Not one single computer is seen (not to mention not a
single TV), probably because the budget wouldn't allow it, so why
doesn't the screenplay give the family another reason for living
there? There is a small digital camcorder that Sam finds in one of
her neice's bedroom that details what happened to her sister and
family, but it doesn't add anything to further the plot. And since
bright light seems to kill these creatures, wouldn't the sun hitting
the lake qualify as a bright light? While basically a two character
film, these are two people that deserve their fates because they do
things that just defy reason (especially moving the corpse of the
sister and not noticing her car is covered by brush). There's very
little blood or gore; just close-ups of Jason's leg wound as it gets
worse, dripping green puss and Jason hallucinating a couple of times
where blood flows out of Sam's mouth. The acting is also a step below
amateurish (Lauren Watson has had uncredited bit parts in films like RISE
OF THE PLANET OF THE APES [2011], but everyone else here is
an acting virgin) and the sound recording is technically sub-par. Do
yourself a favor and spend the 82 minutes doing something else, like
trying to clip the nails of a rabid raccoon while blindfolded.
Anything you do would be better than watching this boring mess. Also
starring Bella Hawkesboyd as the corpse of Elizabeth. A Midnight
Releasing DVD Release. Not Rated.
FROM
DUSK TILL DAWN 2: TEXAS BLOOD MONEY
(1998) - I've read many bad reviews for this belated sequel to
the Robert Rodriquez/Quentin Tarantino 1995
hit (they both executive-produced this one), but I enjoyed it
immensely. This is a highly
entertaining vampire flick. Buck (Robert Patrick, who replaced David
Duchovny on THE X-FILES
[1993 - 2002]) joins escaped bank robber Luther (Duane Whitaker, who
also co-wrote the screenplay) and his gang to rob a bank in Mexico.
Along the way, Luther is bitten by two vampires (Danny Trejo, the
only returning actor from the first film [and the only actor to
appear in all three films] and this film's editor, Bob Murawski)
after stopping at the infamous Titty Twister bar. Needless to say, he
infects everyone in his gang except Buck, who must convince sheriff
Otis Lawson (Bo Hopkins, who looks like he is having fun) that he is
not dealing with normal bank robbers. The final showdown at the bank
is a bloody mixture of bullet hits, neck bitings, Hong Kong-style
stunts, impalements and disintegrations. Director/Co-screenwriter
Scott Spiegel (INTRUDER,
a.k.a.
BLOODNIGHT - 1989) lays on the
gore (supplied by the KNB effects house) thick and heavy and supplies
enough inventive POV shots (courtesy of DOP Philip Lee) to keep your
eyes occupied long enough to let you ignore some major gaping plot
holes (that must be the longest total eclipse in history!). This is
clearly a case of style over substance and, in this film, it works.
This is strictly played for laughs, with lines such as, "I'd
kill your ass if you weren't already dead!" and is probably the
first time you will see a vampire killed with a pair of mirrored
sunglasses! You could do a whole lot worse than rent this low-budget
gem. I guarantee that you will not be bored. Also starring Muse
Watson, Brett Harrelson and Raymond Cruz with cameos by Bruce
Campbell and Tiffany Amber Thiessen. Filmed in South Africa, but
unlike most films lensed there that try to pass themselves off as the
United States, Mexico or someplace else, you wouldn't know it unless
you read the end credits. Followed by FROM
DUSK TILL DAWN 3: THE HANGMAN'S DAUGHTER (2000). A Dimension
Home Video & DVD Release, with a re-release on DVD from Echo
Bridge Home Entertainment in 2011. Rated R.
FROM
WITHIN (2007) - Talk about lost
potential. Here's a film that begins with an interesting idea, but
stumbles soon after and never regains its footing. Natalie (Rumer
Willis; SORORITY ROW -
2009) watches helplessly as her boyfriend pulls out a gun and kills
himself by swallowing a bullet. She runs to her father Bernard's
(Jared Harris) clothing store, where Lindsay (Elizabeth Rice) and
stepmom Trish (Laura Allen; THE 4400
[2004 - 2007]) are buying a dress for church. The blood-covered
Natalie tells Lindsay that a strange woman has been following her
since her boyfriend offed himself and to tell Bernard to check
outside. A few seconds later, Natalie is found dead with a pair of
scissors sticking out of her neck, another apparent suicide. Since
Natalie and her boyfriend were the goth couple in town, no one
(besides her father) makes too much of the suicides, but it is
apparent to the viewer that something much more sinister is going on.
Later that night, Bernard is visited by some unseen form and is
killed, which will also be deemed a suicide since he is found hanging
in the rafters by his niece. A pattern starts to emerge where whoever
finds the last "suicide" is doomed to be the next victim of
the suicide sickness. This splits the town
into two factions: One faction, led by Pastor Joe (Steven Culp; HOW
TO MAKE A MONSTER - 2001) and his son Dylan (Kelly Blatz),
blame the family of Aidan (Thomas Dekker; LAID
TO REST - 2009), whose mother, Molly (Amanda Babin), was
believed to be a witch and may have been killed by Pastor Joe and his
followers in a fire years earlier that was declared to be an accident
by the authorities. Lindsay gets caught in the middle when her
boyfriend Dylan beats-up Aidan and she drives Aidan home. This
doesn't sit too well with drunken stepmom Trish, who warns Lindsay to
stay away from Aidan and stick to her current boyfriend Dylan, who
also warns that "this town takes care of its own." Lindsay
goes to Aidan's house to warn him about upcoming reprisals and she
meets Aidan's cousin, Sadie (Margo Harshman), who warns Aidan to keep
"outsiders" out of their business (there's a lot of
"warning" in this movie). Things get downright creepy when
Bernard's niece is visited by a spooky woman who slits her wrists on
some broken glass. The next day, Lindsay's best friend Claire
(Brittany Robertson) passes by the spooky woman's dead body and is
infected. A short while later, Claire gets into a car accident and is
burned alive. Trish witnesses the accident and becomes
infected. She is tricked into drinking a bottle of drain cleaner by
her image in the bathroom mirror (her image makes the drain cleaner
look like a bottle of bourbon!). Lindsay, who has just been abducted
by Dylan, Pastor Joe, Sadie and her white trash father Roy (Adam
Goldberg; STAY ALIVE -
2006), has an exorcism performed on her, discovers Trish's body in
the bathroom and becomes next in line to be infected with the
sickness. Lindsay races to Aidan's house in hopes of finding a cure,
but what she learns instead is that her fate lies in a cursed book
and only a real, true suicide can stop the sickness from spreading.
But just who has to willingly give up their life? And will
uber-religious dickhead Dylan ruin the whole thing? Make sure to stay
through the end credits to find out. This so-so horror film,
part of AFTER DARK
HORRORFEST III (a series of eight films given a limited
theatrical release in January 2009), has some really creepy scenes,
but it isn't wholly successful. Director Phedon Papamichael (SKETCH
ARTIST - 1992; DARK
SIDE OF GENIUS - 1994) has an eye for framing shots for
maximum effectiveness (he should, as he's an excellent
cinematographer by trade), but the screenplay, by Brad Keene (THE
GRAVEDANCERS - 2006), begins falling apart at the halfway
mark, when it becomes clear that Keene is merely copying plot points
from successful J-Horror flicks, where stringy-haired ghosts and evil
doppelgangers begin killing townspeople, all over a cursed book
(substitute a VHS tape or a cell phone and you'll quickly get the
connection). The acting is uniformly good and there are some good
gore and scares, but FROM WITHIN
just gets downright silly and unbelievable as it progresses to its
ridiculous conclusion. Hey, I'm not a religious man, but even I found
the use of religion here as a representation of evil more than a
little heavy-handed. This is one of those films that begins like
gangbusters and then peters-out like a silent-but-deadly fart. Also
starring Michelle Babin as Evil Molly. A Lionsgate
Home Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.
FRONTIER(S)
(2007) - What is it with the French lately? The new millennium
seems to have brought out the bloodlust in them, with films like THE
NEST (2002; really worthwhile viewing), HAUTE
TENSION (2003), CALVAIRE
(2004), SHEITAN (2006), MARTYRS
(2008) and this film (Not surprisingly, Los Angeles movie
"suits" have pulled most of these films' directors from
France to make "Hollywoodized" genre films). FRONTIER(S)
opens with a real-life violent time in French history. In 2005, a
major race riot broke out on the streets of Paris due to the police
chasing two teens on a minor charge, which resulted in the teens
accidentally electrocuting themselves while trying to hide in a power
plant. Thousands of teens and other sympathizers protested in the
streets and eventually it turned into a violent riot, thanks once
again to the police mishandling the situation by using brutal
violence on the crowds (This film does play loose with the actual
facts, changing the riots to coincide with a volitile political
election). Within this background of violence in the streets, we meet
Yasmine (Karina Testa), who is three months pregnant and looking for
a safe way to get out of Paris. With her brother Sami (Adel
Bencherif) shot and bleeding during the riots, Yasmine calls
ex-boyfriend Alex (Aurelien Wiik), the unborn baby's father, for some
help, not realizing that Alex, along with friends Tom (David
Saracino) and Farid (Chems Dahmani), using the riots as a cover, have
just pulled a bank heist and killed a couple of cops. Alex agrees to take
Sami and Yasmine to the hospital, while Tom and Farid take their
stolen loot and hide out in the "frontier" (their term for
the countryside). Alex waits outside the hospital while Yasmine and a
mortally wounded Sami go inside. Just before he dies, Sami begs
Yasmine to keep the baby (she is seriously thinking about getting an
illegal late-term abortion) and she must leave the hospital quickly
because the police are approaching. Tom and Farid end up at their
destination, a quaint little inn in the middle of nowhere, only this
little inn may be the most terrifying place on Earth. The innkeeper,
Goetz (Samuel Le Bihan), is a tall, bald-headed brute who tells his
two sisters, Gilberte (Estelle Lefebure) and Klaudia (Amelie Daure),
to make sure that Tom and Farid are made to feel at home (This also
involves sex, but the girls have very violent sex with the guys and
both girls seem to love it). At the dinner table, Goetz feeds the
guys some mystery meat (thinking it is pork, Farid declines because
of his Muslim upbringing) and they then watch Goetz and his sisters
force-feed their comatose mother at the dinner table. Later that
night, Goetz's equally brawny and bald cop brother, Karl (Patrick
Legardes), tries to steal Tom and Farid's money bag, which results in
Tom being beaten with a pipe before getting a couple of fingers
blown-off with Karl's gun. Tom and Farid manage to escape in their
car, but Goetz runs them off the road and they crash down a mine
shaft. Goetz thinks they are dead, but Tom and Farid manage to get
out of the car and crawl through the mine shaft, only to have Tom's
head caved-in withy a sledgehammer by another one of Goetz's
bald-headed brothers, Hans (Joel Lefrancois). With Farid and his
trusty night-vision video camera trapped in the mine with crawling
cannibalistic dwellers chasing him, Yasmine and Alex arrive at the
inn and, you guessed it, are about to have a night they will never
forget, but only if they make it out alive. It seems that Goetz and
his rather large family are not only cannibals, they are also white
supremacists ruled over by their elderly father Von Geisler (Jean-Pierre
Jorris), an escaped Nazi from World War II, who wants to make
Yasmine "pure" so she can marry Karl and keep the family
bloodline flowing. Let the torture begin. Director/screenwriter
Xavier Gens (HITMAN - 2007; THE
DIVIDE - 2011) may have thrown a little historical accuracy
into the horror mix, but when all is said and done (and yes, I do get
the irony that the "frontier" is more dangerous than the
riot-torn streets of Paris), it's easy to see that Gens fashioned his
film on the unexpected success of HOSTEL
(2005). It's obvious that the second half of the film exists solely
to show human beings being mistreated and tortured in the worst ways
possible, whether it is Tom hanging upside down, suspended by his
ankles that are impaled on curved blades (he eventually has his
throat cut and bleeds out); Farid being caught in a huge pressure
cooker and slowly roasted to death (Yum!); Alex having his achilles'
tendons sliced with a huge set of tongs; or a pregnant Yasmine having
to swin through pig shit to escape, but she is eventually recaptured,
has all her hair cut off (it is too dark for dear old Nazi dad) and
is forced to eat the cooked flesh of Alex. What about Yasmine's
unborn baby? Well, the film implies that she wants to keep it (she
did make a promise to a dying Sami) after she is brutally punched,
kicked and gun-butted, yet ends up killing most of the Nazi family
single-handedly (including a nasty buzzsaw death and biting a meaty
chunk out of Gilberte's neck). Whatever political statement Gens was
trying to make with this film gets lost in a flood of unflinching
bloodshed (nothing is left to the imagination), lots of
"shakey-cam" photography (especially in the first half) and
trying to humanize (not to mention feeling sorry for) some members of
the Nazi clan. It just doesn't wash. I don't like using the term
"torture porn", but that is exactly what the second half of FRONTIER(S)
is. Why the "S" is in parenthesis is a head-scratcher and
open to many interpretations. Mine would be that there are many such
places in the world (The actual name of the sign is
"Frontiere", which is French for "border") that
deal with this type of degradation and our group of unlucky victims
just happened upon one of them. Others believe the "S"
stands for the Nazi "SS", but I find that explanation a
little hard to swallow. Or maybe it's just a French cultural thing
and has no purposeful meaning. Also starring Maud Forget and Rosine
Favey. This was supposed to be one of the films in the second annual AFTER
DARK FILM FEST 2007, but when the MPAA slapped an NC-17
rating on the film because the subject matter was deemed too
controversial and violent, it was dropped from the theatrical roster
(it did manage to get a small regional theatrical release a few
months later, but not many theaters, even today, will show films with
NC-17 ratings), but was released on DVD by Lionsgate
Entertainment as part of the series. Unrated.
FUNERAL
HOME (1980) - When Heather
(Lesleh Donaldson) goes to help her Grandmother (Kay Hawtrey) turn
her old funeral home into a tourist hotel, strange things begin to
happen. Tourists begin to disappear, a land developer's car is found
buried in a haystack and something
strange is going on down in the cellar. Could it have something to
do with the disappearance of Heather's Grandfather (Jack Van Evera),
who one day just up and vanished? Does retarded Billy Hibbs (Stephen
E. Miller) know more than Grandma will let him tell? What about the
strange male voice that comes out of the basement? And just what is
buried in gthe lake at the nearby quarry? Heather begins a
relationship with Rick Yates (Dean Garbett) which Grandma doesn't
take a liking to since his brother Joe (Alf Humphreys) is a local
police officer. Joe is able to tie the land developer's disappearance
to a plan involving buying up all the land in the county, except
Grandma refused to sell because they wanted to move the graveyard.
The Sheriff (Bob Warner) tells Joe to drop the case. A cheating
husband (Harvey Atkin) and his mistress (Peggy Mahon), who are
staying at the converted hotel much to Grandma's prudish
consternation, are pushed off a cliff in their car at the quarry by
someone driving a beat-up pickup truck. It seems the locked basement
holds the key and anyone who enters there is sure to be slaughtered.
If this all sound a little too much like PSYCHO
you would be right but it does have a charm all its' own. The acting
is generally good, and while not extremely bloody or gory, it does
shock on occasion. Director William Fruet (DEATH
WEEKEND - 1976, SPASMS
- 1982; THE KILLER INSTINCT
- 1982; KILLER PARTY -
1986 and many other films and TV shows) is an old master at these
Canadian horror thrillers and shows a sure hand at handling the
suspense. While by no means a classic, FUNERAL
HOME (a.k.a.
CRIES IN THE NIGHT)
is a lot of fun to watch, especially for fans of this type of film
(myself included). When I first saw this film in a theatre in the
early 80's, I hated it. Maturity has gotten the better of me, since I
no longer judge a film by it's gore quotient. This is actually a
pretty good story that also stars Barry Morse as a border who is not
quite what he seems. A Paragon
Home Video Release. Paragon, based in Las Vegas, released a slew
of strange horror/action/gore films in the early to mid-80's, such as ONE-ARMED
EXECUTIONER (1980), THE WITCHING
(1972), MONGREL (1982)
and many others, most of them not available on DVD. Try eBay
to pick these little gems. They're worth it just for the 15 minutes
of obscure trailers that precede each film. Rated R.
THE
FUN PARK (2007) - Regional
Oklahoma-lensed horror flick. When Wilson Creek police find a bloody
and bruised Megan Davis (Jillian Murray) on the side of the road, she
relates to them a story about five of her friends being murdered at
an abandoned amusement park; a story so brutal, the police have
problems believing her. And rightly so, since there is no evidence of
foul play at the Fun Park to back up her story and a background check
of Megan's past reveals that she hasn't had the best childhood and
may be suffering psychological problems because of it. That is not to
say that the Fun Park hasn't had its share of controversy in the
past. The story begins years earlier, when crazy mother Waureen
Renquist (Verna Vaughn) would physically and mentally abuse her son,
Kestor (Mike Leipart), forcing him to wear clown makeup and making
him perform private shows for her. When the police found out about
the abuse, they institutionalize Waureen (until she died) and Kestor
bounced from foster home to foster home until he was murdered twenty
years ago. So why does Megan insist
that Kestor is responsible for the deaths of her five friends? That
question falls into the lap of Megan's court-appointed psychiatrist,
Dr. Marissa Jade (Jennifer Ferguson), who must separate the fact from
fiction. She investigates Kestor's past and discovers that when he
became an adult, he still wore the clown makeup and called himself
Bobo, working at the Fun Park as a water-dunking clown for several
years, where he was quite popular (even with the ladies). Then, for
some unknown reason, Kestor snapped and murdered the judge that
committed his mother to the insane asylum (Kestor was found wearing
the judge's face!). He was then committed to the same asylum as his
dead mother, but he soon escaped and DNA blood evidence found at the
Fun Park revealed that Kestor was dead, even though his body was
never found (that's never a good sign). The Fun Park was closed down
for good and it remained shut down until Megan told her horrible
story (and if it is true, Kestor is now 55 to 60 years old). Dr. Jade
has a session with Megan and the film switches to a series of
flashbacks mixed with the current session. We learn that Megan's
mother was a whore and she never knew her father. We also learn that
Dr. Jade has recently suffered a miscarriage and this is her first
case since losing her baby. As more flashbacks reveal what actually
happened to Megan and her five friends at the abandoned Fun Park,
including her boyfriend Justin (Randy Wayne), who is moving far away
to attend college, it becomes clear to the viewers that what we see
through Megan's eyes and mind may not be as cut and dried as it
seems. Will Dr. Jade be able to separate fact from fantasy or is
Megan doomed to spend the rest of her life in a rubber room? Perhaps
a video camera found at the scene of the crimes will clear things
up? This is by no means a normal modern day horror film. It is
more like a picture puzzle that the viewer must piece together as the
film progresses; the only problem being is that two or more pieces of
the puzzle may fit into the same empty slot, so we must decide which
piece actually belongs there. Director/screenwriter/co-producer Rick
Walker (an Oklahoma radio DJ whose only other film is the 2002 love
story SAM & JANET)
does a good job keeping the audience guessing, but there are many
long stretches where nothing really happens, especially when the
flashbacks take us to Megan and her five friends at the Fun Park
during that fateful night. We are treated to so many false
"jump" scares during this sequence that when we actually
get to the violence, it loses its effectiveness. There are also a few
huge leaps in logic (The biggest one being: Why would an abandoned
amusement park closed for the last twenty years still have
electricity and working video games?), the gore quotient is pretty
low (those expecting a non-stop bloodbath will be bitterly
disappointed) and the flashback scenes are lensed using a sickly
green filter (making it look like it was shot through a bottle of
Mountain Dew), but for the most part THE
FUN PARK is just different enough to merit a rental even if
the final denouement is a cop-out. As far as psychological horror
films go, this was gets a few extra points for its somewhat unique
story structure (the ambient noise soundtrack and the dialogue-less
killings during the flashbacks are sure to raise a few goosebumps).
Also starring Sara Rae Foster, Trevor David, Randy Colton, Todd
Lisenbee, Jesse Albright, Clint Caswell, Vanessa Altshuler, Rod Meyer
and Warren Hoover. An Empire
Home Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated.
THE
FURY OF THE WOLFMAN (1970) -
This is the third, and weakest, of Waldemar Daninsky's (Paul Naschy)
werewolf sagas thanks to the lazy direction of Jose Maria Zabalza
(who, according to Naschy, was drunk through most of the filming) and
the soap opera-like plot (by screenwriter Naschy, using his real name
Jacinto Molina). Professor Waldemar Daninsky (here renamed
"Walter" for it's American release) returns from his trip
to Tibet afflicted with lycanthropy, a pentagram burned into his
chest. He finds out from fellow teacher Dr. Ilona Elmann (Perla
Cristal) that his wife Erika (Pilar Zorrilla) has been having an
affair. At first, Waldemar doesn't believe Ilona (who secretly is in
love with him), but when his car's brakes are tampered with and he
gets into a serious accident, he comes around. He goes home, turns
into a werewolf, bites Erika and kills her lover. He then runs amok
and is electrocuted by a power line. Everyone but Ilona thinks
Waldemar is dead, so they bury him. Ilona has him dug up and brings
him back to her laboratory, where she straps him to a table and begins
experimenting on him, hoping to cure him of his werewolfism and turn
him into one of her loyal zombies. Meanwhile, the police and a nosy
reporter are investigating Daninsky's death and the subsequent grave
robbery. While Ilona performs her experiments, Waldemar turns
into a werewolf. She chains him to a wall and tries to whip the
werewolf out of him but he escapes and kills a university student and
nearly kills a young woman going to bed, but stops himself. He does
manage to kill a husband and his wife in their kitchen, though. The
police use dogs to track Daninsky, but lose his scent when he turns
back into a human. Waldemar and new friend Karen (Veronica Lujan) try
to escape Ilona's lab and find her hidden basement of failed
experiments. They set them free and then find Ilona's diary, where
Waldemar learns that Ilona has set him up from the start. His wife
Erika is now a werewolf and is under Ilona's control. As with all of
the Daninsky films, it ends rather badly for nearly everyone.
This film makes absolutely no sense (How does Waldemar break his
chains? Why does he go back to Ilona's lab after he has just escaped
from it?) and, therefore is enjoyable for all the wrong reasons. It
jumps all over the place and I'm still trying to wrap my head around
the orgy scenes, Waldemar's fight with a man in shiny armor (what the
fuck?) and the purpose of Ilona's experiments. Characters pop in and
then disappear, never to be seen again. Ilona's basement of freaks
and failed experiments is another head-scratcher. Why would Karen and
Waldemar set them free only to fight and kill most of them a few
minutes later? If you're looking for answers, don't bother, as there
aren't any. There's an unbelievable trite scene near the end of the
film where the reporter gets all the answers he needs by asking some
previously unseen girl questions in a bar. It's just lazy writing as
it tries to tie up all the loose ends with a 30 second scene. The
fight between Waldemar and Erika in the finale elicits grins rather
than fright. Storywise, this is the worst film in the series and
director Zabalza adds nothing of worth visually to the film, probably
because he was hammered for the entire shoot. It's also very light in
the blood and nudity department, but this could be because the print
I viewed came from Avco Embassy (the version titled WEREWOLF NEVER SLEEPS
purportedly has more blood and nudity). It's not a TV print, though,
because it does contain too much blood for 70's television (Embassy
did release this as part of a mid-70's Spanish horror TV package,
along with A BELL
FROM HELL
(1971), NIGHT OF THE SORCERERS
(1973), THE WITCHES MOUNTAIN
(1971) and others). The next chapter in the Daninsky saga, the
excellent WEREWOLF SHADOW
(1970), picks up immediately after FURY ends. Also starring
Mark Stevens, Michel Rivers and Francisco Amoros. Originally released
in a cut print on Unicorn
Video and an uncut print on Charter
Entertainment. It is now in the public domain and can be
purchased on DVD from various budget companies (but in the edited
print). Not Rated.
THE
GAME (1982) - Three
millionaires, tired of playing tennis and attending socialite
events, devise an unusual annual event to keep themselves amused.
It's called "The Game Of Fear" and it goes like this:
Gather an assorted group of people
with no family or dependents at a secluded northwestern resort and
try to scare the hell out of them. The last person to remain at the
resort will receive a prize of one million dollars. Events soon turn
deadly as members of the group begin to disappear, meeting grizzly
fates. One man is hanged. Another is eaten alive by rats. A girl is
shot in the head. After a while it becomes apparent that the three
millionaires have nothing to do with the deaths. Then who could it
be? Could it be the scarfaced hunchback we briefly glimpse throughout
the film? Could it be one of the remaining survivors of the game? Or
could it be some as yet unseen killer? If you guessed the last
one, you would be right. As the remaining three survivors of the game
leave the resort convinced that it was all a joke and the victims are
safe at a motel down the road, the three millionaires are killed by
an unexplained ghostly spectre. But even that isn't what it seems.
Filmed around the same time as his DEMONS
OF LUDLOW and
RANA: THE LEGEND
OF SHADOW LAKE (a.k.a. CROAKED:
FROG MONSTER FROM HELL), it looks like director Bill
Rebane (INVASION
FROM INNER EARTH
- 1974) was making this up as he went along. It doesn't make much
sense and contains very little nudity (one scene) and very sparse
gore, which pretty much knocks off any reason for viewing this
Wisconson-lensed whodunit. Rebane does show he has a sense of humor
by having his earlier film, THE
GIANT SPIDER INVASION
(1975), showing on TV while a girl is attacked by a rubbery monster
that bursts from her bed. The ghostly spectre at the finale is a
frightening creation, but all in all, you'll not be missing much if
you let this one pass you by. Now if I could only get my hands on
Rebane's BLOOD
HARVEST
(1985 - purportedly his best film). It's the only film of his I
haven't seen. It stars Tiny Tim (!) as a clown who goes on a
murderous rampage (or does he?). If it stars Tiny Tim, it must be a
horror! (NOTE: I've seen it. See review.)
THE
GAME
(also known as THE COLD) stars Tom
Blair, Carol Perry, Stuart Osborne and Don Arthur. A Trans
World Entertainment Release. Rated
R.
GARDEN
OF THE DEAD (1972) - Out of all
the zombie films I have viewed over the years, this one holds the
title in the following three categories: 1 - It's the shortest (59
minutes); 2 - It's the cheapest (it looks like it was filmed for
around $59.00; and, 3 - it's mind-numbingly dumb (written by someone
with an IQ of 59). The threadbare plot concerns a bunch of prison
camp inmates who manufacture formaldahyde (huh?) for the camp's
sadistic warden. The inmates also endlessly sniff the formaldahyde to
get high and plan to escape the
prison camp. They steal a truck with barrels of formaldahyde and
speed off to freedom. Unfortunately, the warden is wise to their plan
and ambushes them, causing the inmates to crash the truck, not only
killing them but also drenching them in spilled formaldahyde. The
warden orders the other inmates to bury them (in what has to be the
shallowest graves ever committed to film) and to keep their mouths
shut. Wouldn't you know it? The dead inmates rise from their dirt
blankets to exact revenge for their deaths. Their only weakness:
Light. Any kind of light. Flashlights, headlights, lightbulbs, etc.
While the living population of the prison camp try to keep the
generator going, the formaldahyde zombies pick them off one-by-one.
Where do I start to describe what's wrong with this dizzying exercize
in ineptitude? For starters, there's no blood! I've often heard
rumors that there's a longer version available, but so far that's all
it is: a rumor. The version I viewed is rated PG and it does show
some jump cuts which does make me believe that it's edited. Garden
tools are shown thrusting down on the victims but never hitting them.
If you look closely, you can see blood on the garden tools. That's
all the blood on view here. The zombies are another cheap creation.
This was an early job for Joe Blasco (who created and played the
creature in TRACK OF
THE MOONBEAST - 1972) and it looks like he slapped some
green-gray makeup on their faces and blackened out their eyes. Their
hands look completely normal. The disintegration scenes consist of
the zombies letting an Alka-Seltzer dissolve in their mouths. Add to
that: a prison a blind man could escape from; total lapses of logic,
reason or continuity and absolutely no foul language or sex and you
come up with a film that should be viewed only while under the
influence of a controlled substance (formaldahyde will do). Directed
rather shabbily by the late John Hayes, who has done much better. See DREAM
NO EVIL (1970) and GRAVE
OF THE VAMPIRE (1972) for Hayes' career highlights. GARDEN
OF THE DEAD (a.k.a. TOMB
OF THE UNDEAD and GRAVE
OF THE UNDEAD) stars John Dennis (THE
SLAMS - 1973), Eric Stern (THE
LOVE BUTCHER - 1975), Duncan McCloud (BLACK
GODFATHER - 1974), Carmen Filpi (ESCAPE
FROM NEW YORK - 1981) and a cameo appearance by Lee
Frost. A Retromedia Entertainment
DVD Release. Rated PG.
THE
GATES OF HELL PART II: DEAD AWAKENING
(1988) - You know a film is in trouble when it opens with a
dedication to the memory of Lucio Fulci. The problem is, Lucio Fulci
was still alive in 1988! The Texas-lensed film then proceeds with a
voiceover by lead actress Tamara Hext, who plays Sandra Curtis, where
she says such mind-numbing things as, "In the morning, my sister
will still be dead." I certainly hope so! As this regional
no-budgeter moves ahead, it's easy to see that the filmmakers try to
emulate Fulci's style (it even has two guys on phones speaking
English-subtitled Italian), but only Fulci could do Fulci and even
then, he had a hard time doing it. I will give this film some proper
respect for being confusing as an 80's Fulci film, as this whole
production has a disjointed feel to it; like it is nothing but a
series of unrelated scenes edited together. Supposedly, this is a
film about "separate realities", as one minute we see
Sandra's sister, Marilyn (Tracy Baldwin), waiting by her car on some
dark, deserted road, when someone in a car pulls next to her and then
we switch to two guys (one of them wearing a "Dallas Naval
Air Station" trucker cap) who are rock climbing and discover a
corpse before both of them are chased and killed by a grunting demon.
We then
switch to three people in a bar discussing something bad (One guy
says, "I don't like it. I think we should call this off."
While another guy says, "It's too late.") and suddenly it
is five weeks later and Sandra is in a bar getting sloshed and has
the cops called on her for throwing a drink on the bartender. The
cop, Nick Berkley (Tom Campitelli), takes pity on her drunk ass and
drives her passed-out body home after rifling through her purse for
her address (and ogling her legs). Being a woman, Sandra takes
advantage of the situation and invites Nick to a bar the next night,
where she offers to pay him to work on his off-duty hours to find
Marilyn, who has been missing for (you guessed it) five weeks. Sandra
tells Nick about the nightmares she's been having since Marilyn went
missing, where she and Marilyn are standing on the top of a cliff and
Marilyn falls down it. Nick agrees to help her and immediately takes
a week's vacation (I guess that's how long it takes to find a missing
person in Texas). We then cut to an ominous group of men (all
shown in extreme close-up, probably because the budget couldn't
afford a set) discussing a bad situation and saying stuff like,
"We called it to serve us!" We then switch to a security
guard in a warehouse calling his wife and then listening to her being
murdered over the phone. What The Fuck?!? When Sandra and Nick check
out Marilyn's office (she was a travel agent), they find a mysterious
medallion and get paid a visit by the even more mysterious Randy
Sternman (Randy Strickland), who is looking for Marilyn. Meanwhile,
the group of ominous men continue to make arcane statements about
"conjuring demons" and then one of them is hit over the
head by a flying Bible. More confusing shit happens, like a mother
being killed in her garage by the demon while her two young boys
watch. Sandra and Nick begin questioning the relatives of the other
missing people in the area, including those of the two missing rock
climbers, and come up with an important clue on the rock climbers'
map. How will all of this tie together? Will it all tie together? Why
are things always bigger in Texas? And why doesn't a Hebrew demon
know better than to go on a killing spree in Texas, especially since
every citizen owns a gun, an automatic rifle and a couple of
grenades? There's not so much an air of a Fulci influence here
that I could detect, except for an air of mass confusion. The film
(also known as THROUGH THE FIRE),
directed by G.D. Marcum (his only film as director), bears very
little resemblance to Fulci's original GATES
OF HELL (a.k.a. CITY
OF THE LIVING DEAD - 1980), as that film was full of blood
and gore, something this film severely lacks (Not to mention that the
camera turns away just as things are about to get bloody). The
screenplay, by Marcum and Brad Potter, bites off way more than its
paltry budget could ever hope to chew and the only Fulci-inspired
moment, where Nick and Sandra are attacked by evil forces at a
séance held by P.J. (Billie Carroll) is ruined by cheap
optical effects. Everything about this film screams out poverty, from
the muffled sound recording, bare-bone sets, stupid stabs at comedy
(there's a dead cat in P.J.'s freezer and Nick ignores it and reaches
for an ice cream bar instead; Nick tries to commandeer a citizen's
car, only for the citizen to pull a gun on him) and poorly-blocked
action scenes. Christ, even when Sandra takes a shower, we see no
nudity! Fulci would have been spinning in his grave if he were
actually dead at the time. If you decide to dedicate a film to his
memory, you better deliver, but it takes more than some fog and a
couple of fake-ass zombies to achieve that goal. Also starring Dan
Shackleford, John Davies, Wendy Wade, Terry Wegner, Martin Smith,
Lourdes Regala and Dan Robbins. A Creatures Features VHS Release and
available on DVD from Cydonia Pictures. Not Rated.
GHOST
GAME (2005) - Let me know if you
heard this one before: A group of idiotic college students (with the
combined IQ of a small rock) rent a remote cabin on the middle of an
island only accessible by canoe, where, thirty years earlier, a trio
of teenage witches were murdered after performing some magical
ceremony. The remainder of the film intercuts past and present, as we
slowly learn what the three witches were actually doing at the cabin
and how it affects the college students now staying there. Dara
(Alexandra Barreto; TOOTH
AND NAIL - 2007) finds a diary at the cabin, but the last few
pages are torn out. That's too bad, because if those pages were still
in there, these stupid college kids (did I mention they had the
combined IQ of a toenail?), which also includes Nate (Peter Cilella),
his girlfriend Abbey (Shelby Fenner), wise-ass Randy (Curt
Cornelius), Cousin Ted (Robert Berson, who became a millionaire by
copyrighting the word "extreme" (and every alternate
spelling of the word!), Sebastian (Aaron Freeman) and his obnoxious
girlfriend Talia (Danielle Hartnett), would never do what they are
about to do (again: combined IQ < -1). They find a metal box in a
closet and open it, only to find an Ouija board-like device, a map
and one missing page of the diary with
"Don't Play This Game!" written on it. Instead of heeding
this dire warning, Cousin Ted starts palying the game, which releases
the spirits of the three witches, who begin killing the college
students. Nate is the first to be killed (choked to death) and Randy
is drowned after finding that the canoes are missing and trying to
swim for help. Dara, Abbey and Cousin Ted figure out the only way to
survive is to finish the game, which isn't a game at all, but a
Wiccan ceremony, the same ceremony performed by the three witches
thirty years earlier. Sebastian is stabbed to death while having sex
with Talia, which leaves only four lives left. The quartet must find
a number of objects that are drawn on the map found in the metal box
and place those objects around a metal pole that acts like a moondial
(it lets our students know how much time they have left). Skanky
Talia dies next (she's impaled through the neck and stomach by tree
branches), so Dara stays by the moondial while Abbey and Cousin Ted
look for the remaining objects. Abbey is the next to die (she has her
neck broken with a piece of rope) and before the film is over, both
Cousin Ted (the only non-teen in the group, yet he's the only
virgin!) and Dana will also be dead. Groundskeeper Simon Brady (Eric
Scott Woods) buries all the bodies and waits for the next group to
rent the cabin. It seems Mr. Brady has been doing this for many years
and even makes some money on the side by selling the cars of those
unlucky enough not to return from their canoe trips (try not to think
too hard or you'll realize the absurdity of it all). I hope this
doesn't mean there's gonna be a sequel? Father, Son, Holy Ghost, make
it stop! Competently made, but boring to the extreme and
illogical as hell, GHOST GAME
suffers the same fate most of these modern DTV "teens in
peril" flicks are stricken with: Too much unfunny hipster
dialogue, an over-abundance of jackhammer-style editing (not to
mention that the flashback footage looks to have been filmed using
nightvision goggles) and not enough common sense.
Director/co-producer Joe Knee (CULT
- 2007) seems to think that a little blood and nudity goes a long
way, but the fact is we watch these films to see lots of blood and
nudity, not the anemic amounts on view here. While the storyline had
possibilities (screenplay by Ben Oren, a staff writer for MTV's
now-defunct THE
ANDY MILONAKIS SHOW [2005 - 2007], which would explain the
juvenile humor spoken by the cast here), such as the mixing of past
and present in the narrative, the execution leaves a lot to be
desired. Not only are most of the deaths bloodless (two
strangulations, a drowning and a bloodless head-bashing), but the
comical dialogue spoken by the cast totally belies the situation they
are in. The most groan-inducing line is spoken by Talia when she
says, "I thought he (Sebastian) was taking me to a spa!" as
she lies dying with two tree branches impaled in her body (the film's
bloodiest effect). This film also suffers from a case of fatalism
that seems to be infecting many of the newer horror films. Just
because everyone dies by the film's conclusion, don't think that a
statement is being made. It's a cop-out that is used much too often
when a screenwriter can't come up with a proper ending and it just
comes off as a lazy way to end a film. Pretend you're a ghost and let
this one slip through your hands. Also starring Caroline D'Amore,
Sarah Shoup and Sahra Silanee as the three witches. An Image
Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated, but there's nothing
here that goes beyond an R-Rating.
GHOSTHOUSE
(1987) - This is a late entry in the Italian pantheon of haunted
house thrillers that flooded the VHS shelves in the 80's. This one is
directed by Umberto Lenzi using his Americanized "Humphrey
Humbert" pseudonym. The film opens up with a father punishing
his little girl Henriette (who killed a cat with a pair of scissors)
by locking her and her oversized clown doll in the dark basement.
Soon after, the father is killed by an axe to his head and the mother
has a butcher knife thrust in her throat by what looks like
the clown's hand while all the lightbulbs and mirrors in the house
shatter. Twenty years later, Paul (Greg Scott) and Martha (Lara
Wendel) investigate a series of ominous radio messages that Paul is
picking up on his ham radio. They trace the signal to the site of the
murder house, which is now abandoned. They find a ham radio setup in
the attic which is owned by a family camping out in a trailer in the
back yard. It's not long before the house starts playing with the
unwelcome occupants as glass objects begin shattering, clocks shoot
fire and Martha sees a decapitated head in the washing machine. As
they investigate further, people begin to die, as Henriette (Kristen
Fougerousse) and her clown doll appear just before someone meets a
gruesome death. One has is throat slit by a flying fan blade. Another
is cut in half by a guillotine blade. Another nearly dissolves in a
pool of lye and is stabbed in the back with a pair of hedge clippers
by his own girlfriend who mistakens him for a supernatural demon.
Meanwhile, Paul and Martha dig into the history of the house and
discover that the only way to end this madness is to burn Henriette's
body, which is entombed in a local graveyard. A final stinger at the
end proves that it's not that simple. This Massachusetts-lensed
Italian production has a few good kills but nothing much else going
for it. The acting is poor and the pacing slow, which is the norm for
most Italian haunted house films (WITCHERY
- 1988, immediately comes to mind). The scene where Martha is trapped
in Henriette's bedroom and is attacked by a flying Mickey Mouse is
the film's high point and should have raised Disney's ire. DOCTOR
BUTCHER M.D. (1980) himself, Donald O'Brien (here spelled
"O'Brian") makes an appearance as the house's murderous
caretaker. It's also awkward that the film's only Black character is
portrayed as a hitch-hiking pompous asshole who annoys everyone he
meets with a mechanical corpse hand he keeps in his backpack. His
death is the only one not shown in detail. There's also plenty of
chuckle-inducing dialogue (courtesy of screenwriter Cinthia McGavin)
that in no way sounds like any person I know. Umberto Lenzi has
certainly done much better than this, as he has directed the first
Italian cannibal film, MAN
FROM DEEP RIVER (1972), the excellent crime thriller ALMOST
HUMAN (1974) and the gaillo thriller EYEBALL
(1975). During the 80's, Lenzi directed the crazy zombie film CITY
OF THE WALKING DEAD (1980) and the cannibal classic CANNIBAL
FEROX (a.k.a. MAKE
THEM DIE SLOWLY - 1981) and the truly wretched WELCOME
TO SPRING BREAK (1988). GHOSTHOUSE
(originally titled LA CASA 3)
is just typical Italian horror nonsense that's good for a look if
you've got nothing better to do. Also starring Mary Sellers, Ron
Houck, Kate Silver, Martin Jay and Willy H. Moon. An Imperial
Entertainment Home Video Release. Also available on a double
feature Blu-Ray (with the aforementioned WITCHERY)
from Scream Factory. Not
Rated.
GHOSTKEEPER
(1980) - While exploring the woods on their snowmobiles on a
wintery New Year's Eve, Marty (Murray Ord), Jenny (Riva Spier) and
Chrissie (Sheri McFadden) become stranded at a deserted old hotel
deep in the forest when Chrissie's ride becomes disabled during a
heavy blizzard. The hotel is empty, so why is the heat on and the
shelves stocked with food? Forced to spend the night, the trio make
themselves comfortable while Chrissie tries to come on to Marty, much
to girlfriend Jenny's disgust. Jenny also has the feeling that they are
not alone in this hotel. She is right. It is also occupied by an old
woman (Georgie Collins) and her weirdo son Danny (Billy Grove). She
is known as the Ghostkeeper and, unknown to our trapped trio, she
keeps a furry human-like creature locked-up in the ice cellar which
she must feed human flesh. The old woman also shows and unusual
interest in Jenny and Jenny in turn feels like she has been brought
to this hotel for some unknown purpose. Chrissie is abducted by Danny
while taking a bath. He drags her down to the ice cellar, slits her
throat and gives her to the creature. The next morning Marty goes
outside to find his snowmobile has been intentionally disabled and
Chrissie's snowmobile missing. While Marty tries to fix the
snowmobile, Jenny is drugged and brought to the cellar. She awakens
to find books on ancient Indian legends and old newspaper articles on
people found slaughtered at the hotel. She finds the locked ice
cellar, opens it and sees the creature. Before she can do anything
she is attacked by Danny with a chainsaw. A chase to the attic ensues
which results in Danny falling off the roof, impaling himself on the
wrought-iron fence below. Seeing this, Marty freaks out, paints his
face with grease and runs off into the woods! Jenny finds a shotgun,
confronts the old woman (who tells Jenny that she's her mother!) and
blows a hole in her belly. She then goes downstairs to the ice cellar
and tells the creature not to worry; she will take care of him now.
Jenny then finds Marty frozen to death in the woods. She is now the
Ghostkeeper and must now keep the creature fed. Based in part
on the Wendigo legend (here spelled "Windigo), this little-seen
Lake Louise, Alberta, Canada-lensed horror film also shows that it
owes some of its' storyline to the then recently released THE
SHINING. The authentic lush snow-filled landscapes and hotel
in the middle of nowhere reminds one of that film even if the
storyline veers off into another direction. The Windigo creature
(played by John MacMillan) is only viewed in the shadows to maintain
its effectiveness. The film does show some tampering in the editing
as nearly all scenes that show bloodshed are excised or trimmed. This
is odd since the tape's packaging carries no rating. Still, it's an
interesting little shocker which shouldn't disappoint fans of things
that go bump in the night. GHOSTKEEPER
was directed and written by James Makichuk (writer of DREAM
HOUSE [1998] and ROSWELL:
THE ALIENS ATTACK [1999]). A New
World Video VHS Release. Also available on widescreen DVD
from Code Red. Not Rated.
For more films based on the Wendigo legend see the awful FROSTBITER
(1996) and director Larry Fessenden's scary WENDIGO (2001).
GHOST
LAKE (2004) - Director Jay Woelfel
directed one of my favorite low budget films of the 80's, BEYOND
DREAM'S DOOR (1988). For most of the 90's he has toiled for
producer Charles Band and others making quick, mostly forgettable
horror and exploitation films (see review for DEMONICUS).
The good news is that this, his newest film to date, harkens back to
his early days as this is a multilayered horror film that will please
both gore fans and people who like to use their brains. Rebecca (the
beautiful Tatum Adair) has been taking care of her family ever since
her father was confined to a wheelchair. One night she decides she
needs a break and goes to a nightclub, where she meets a stranger and
screws his brains out in the back of his car. While this is happening
her parents are succumbing to a gas leak in the home and they both
die. Filled with guilt (and maybe seeing things that are not there),
Rebecca goes to her parents' cabin in Rushford Lake, NY (a real town)
to rest and recuperate. The only problem is, Rebecca is seeing
murders occur at the lake and talks to a little girl that no one else
sees. She slowly learns that the lake has a history that involves
people disappearing every 13 years. It seems that this is a man-made
lake and a whole town was submerged to make it. Some of the residents
did not make it out alive. So every 13 years the dead rise from the
lake and take 13 lives. Rebecca has picked the wrong year to
convalesce here. At first the local police think that she is just
plain crazy, but soon come around when they begin finding bodies in
the lake. Can Rebecca and the police stop more murders from
happening? You'll have to watch the film to find out for I do not
want to spoil the surprise. Filled with goosebump-inducing scenes of
the denizens of the lake decaying before your eyes, GHOST
LAKE is the kind of film that stays with you long after it
is over. The scene where Rebecca is confronted by a dead fisherman at
her door who has come to redeem himself only to be touched by the
hand of death is a classic of fright and effects. Director
Woelfel (who also wrote, composed the eerie, effective score and
plays the "Shadowy Figure") has a winner here and should be
congratulated for making a horror film that does not compromise the
story for shocks (although there are plenty). Well done, Jay! Also
starring Timothy Prindle (who also handled the stunts), Gregory Lee
Kenyon, Azure Sky Decker (as the ghostly little girl), Chuck
Franklin, Damian Maffei, Dan Metcalf and Rick Kesler. A Velocity Home
Entertainment Release. Rated R. For more on this film being
shown at the Microcinema Fest in August 2005, click HERE.
For more on Jay Woelfel, go to his website: www.JayWoelfel.com.
GHOST
TOWN (1988) - This supernatural
horror western was one of the best films to come out of Executive
Producer Charles Band's Empire Pictures during the late 80's, but,
just like everything Band touches, it had a troubled production
history. Director Richard Governor (his only film) walked off the set
two weeks before the film finished principal photography (apparently
due to an ever-changing unfinished script by Duke Sandefur [THE
PHANTOM OF THE OPERA - 1989] and continuing interference
from Band), which forced Director of Photography Mac Ahlberg to take
over and finish it. It's surprising the film turned out so well, even
if some of the scenes look frazzled and others look unfinished. The
film opens with runaway bride Kate (Catherine Hickland; WITCHERY
- 1988) driving through the Arizona desert when she comes up against
a downed telephone pole blocking the road. She exits onto a dirt road
to get around the blockage, but as she is driving, she can hear the
sounds of a horse's hoofs following close behind her, but she sees no
horse. Her car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and she is
suddenly abducted by someone on horseback, who appears in a strange
cloud of dust. Crack
shot lawman Langley (Franc Luz; THE
NEST - 1987) is assigned to find Kate when her car is
discovered abandoned on the side of the dirt road and it's so rusted,
crumbling and full of sand, it looks like it has been sitting there
for a hundred years. Langley is about to go on a long, strange trip,
where past and present collide. While looking for Kate in the desert,
Langley is attacked by the mysterious man on horseback and his police
vehicle (a Ford Bronco, which is used as a sly joke later in the
film) spontaneously combusts, forcing Langley to travel by foot. He
comes upon a headstone for a sheriff who was killed in 1870 and when
he lifts the headstone off the ground, the sheriff's rotting corpse
suddenly springs-up from underground, grabs Langley by his arms and
says, "You're the one! You'll rid my town of evil. Don't fail or
risk a fate worse than death!" The corpse then crumbles to dust
(Langley steals his badge) and Langley takes refuge in a nearby ghost
town when a torrential thunderstorm hits. He falls asleep and when he
wakes up the next morning, he begins searching the ghost town for
Kate (the audience is aware that she is there) and spots many things
that shouldn't be there, like rotting corpses littering the entire
town and meeting "The Dealer" (Bruce Glover; NIGHT
OF THE SCARECROW - 1994), a blind man who speaks in riddles
and percentages before suddenly disappearing. To make a long story
short, Langley becomes the new sheriff in town (he should have never
pinned the dead sheriff's badge to his chest) and must face-off
against ghost gunslinger Devlin (Jimmie F. Skaggs; OBLIVION
- 1994) and his gang. Devlin is holding (and raping) Kate and the
ghost town suddenly springs to undead life with the ghosts of the
residents who died there by Devlin's hands. Can Langley defeat Devlin
and his gang, put the residents of the ghost town at eternal peace
and return Kate to the present? While the plot hardly makes a
lick of sense, what this film does have in spades is a creepy
atmosphere that will chill you to the bone. A lot of it can be
attributed to Mac Ahlberg's excellent cinematography, but there are
scenes here that transcend the photography (such as prostitute Etta
[Laura Schaefer] suddenly being surrounded by Devlin's ghost gang on
a flight of stairs) and sets a mood that goes beyond creepy and
enters a new plateau. There are a few gory scenes on view, such as
Devlin getting shot in the cheek that leaves a gaping exit wound (as
well as Etta getting pitchforked to death, various slashed throats
and gun violence), but this is more a psychological horror film about
accepting the cards that are dealt to you and finishing the game on
terms that are not always in your favor. GHOST
TOWN falters somewhat in the final third (you can almost
spot the point where Governor walked off the set and Ahlberg took
over, not to mention suddenly completely dropping the secondary story
of Langley's boss trying to locate him and an ending that seems
rushed and incomplete), but don't let that discourage you from
searching-out this unusual film. It's worth the effort. Also starring
Penelope Windust, Zitto Kazann, Blake Conway and Michael Alldredge.
Originally released on VHS by New
World Video with a budget VHS release (recorded in the inferior
EP mode) from Starmaker
Entertainment a few years later. Image Entertainment also
released a widescreen laserdisc in 1989. Try to find a bootleg DVD-R
of the laserdisc (the widescreen photography is gorgeous), because
you'll probably not see this film released on legitimate DVD for
quite some time due to rights issues, like most of Charles Band's
Empire Pictures library. Rated R.
THE
GHOULS (2003) - You have to give
director Chad Ferrin (UNSPEAKABLE
- 2000) a lot of credit here. He has created a horror film of
unrelenting tension on such a small budget that it probably wouldn't
pay for the craft service of one day of a major motion picture. You
also have to give Ferrin props for making the hero of the film such a
despicable human being. Eric Hayes (Timothy Muskatell, also co-producer)
is a stringer, a videographer of human atrocities. He follows leads
that he gets on the police scanner in his car and films such things
as a husband repeatedly stabbing his wife and a car chase that ends
badly. He then sells his tapes to a news director (an unrecognizable
Joe Pilato from DAY OF THE DEAD
- 1985) for airing on the local news. Eric is also a drunk,
chain-smoking, crank-sniffing piece of scum who will stoop as low as
possible to get the money shot. One night he spots three men dragging
a woman into an alley. He picks up his camera thinking that he is
about to film a rape in progress. He's in for a big surprise. What he
finds instead is the three men are actually ghouls and they are
tearing the woman apart, eating her guts and appendages. The ghouls
spot him, but Eric gets away and brings his camera to the news
director. There's only one problem: Eric, in his crank-induced,
booze-fueled stupor, forgot to put a cassette in the camera. The
director calls him a loser and throws him out. Eric enlists Clift
(Trent Haaga, also an associate producer), another crime videographer
(and probably the closest thing he has as a friend in this world
because Eric's girlfriend has just left him), to help him find these
ghouls and get them on tape. Clift gets captured by the ghouls and
Eric has his camera stolen (after getting shots of the ghouls) by a
retarded boy at a bus stop. Eric is then knocked-out and brought to
the sewers where the ghouls live. He spots Clift hanging by a hook,
the skin stripped from his body, but still alive. Eric uses the hook
to escape from the locked sewer room and, with a gun he had hidden on
his body, kills all the ghouls (including a mother ghoul and her
baby!). Back on the surface, Eric spots the retarded boy with his
video camera and beats him up and takes the camera back. He goes back
to the news director with footage of what he thinks is of the ghouls
eating people. What he finds on the tape instead is the retarded boy
reciting the famous "You talkin' to me?" scene from TAXI
DRIVER (1976) and then knocking on a door and killing a
woman for no reason! The director, realizing that he has footage that
is headline material, says to Eric: "It looks like our boat has
come in." Eric, chainsmoking a cigarette, just replies:
"You're in the boat. I'm in the water." THE END. This is a
powerful little horror film (about 75 minutes long) which tries to
point out who is more evil: the people who live above ground and
murder, rape and deceive to get what they want (Eric leaves one of
the people, a corrupt cop he owes money to, unconscious on the ground
as bait for the ghouls, who end up ripping him in half) or the
"monsters" who live below the surface, who usually eat the
homeless or people who will go unnoticed to stay alive. Ferrin leaves
it up to you to decide who is worse. Most of the movie is filmed with
a hand-held camera to give it a realistic look and the lighting is
all natural. I watched this film with the lights out and I must say
that it really affected me. It probably will do the same for you.
Since it is such a low-budget flick, it does have some problems with
sound and graininess, but, man, it just adds to the atmosphere. Also
starring Tina Birchfield, Casey Powell, Stephen Blackehart, James
Gunn, Joseph Rhodes and Tiffany Shepis as the mother ghoul. A Silver
Nitrate Entertainment Release. Rated R.
THE
GINGERDEAD MAN (2005) - I firmly
believe that Charles Band (who directed and produced this turd) has
finally lost whatever shred of respect and sanity he had left in his
overly self-promoted, self-indulgent body. Not only does he have an
obsession with all things small (GHOULIES,
TROLL,
the PUPPETMASTER
series, DEMONIC
TOYS, DOLLMAN,
BLOOD DOLLS
and many others), he has also single-handidly destroyed what little
self-respect Gary Busey had left. When this film opens, serial killer
Millard Findlemeyer (Busey) is robbing a diner and kills everyone
inside, except for Sarah Leigh (Robin Sydney). Two years pass and
Findlemeyer has been caught and executed, thanks to Sarah's
testimony, who now runs her alcoholic mother's bakery. One night,
Sarah gets a surprise package at the door marked "Grandma's
Gingerbread Seasoning" and, without batting an eyelash or
questioning why she's getting a package in the middle of the night,
adds the seasoning to her latest batch of gingerbread dough. As we
all could have guessed, she shouldn't have done that. The seasoning
contained the cremated ashes of Findlemeyer, put there by his
vengeance-seeking mother (E. Dee Biddlecome). A series of
highly-doubtful "coincidences", including
a baker bleeding into the dough and an electrical surge into the
oven, create the title character, a killer gingerbread man (voiced by
Busey and created by John Carl Buechler) that begins killing bakery
customers and employees, cracking wise at every opportunity. The
killer cookie's real target is Sarah, who he wants to kill in
retribution for his execution. The rest of the film is nothing but a
series of badly-staged death scenes, as the Gingerdead Man cuts off
fingers (insert lame "ladyfingers" joke here), hits people
over the head with a frying pan (that's one strong cookie!) and even
drives a car (using a rolling pin to step on the gas pedal!) to
achieve his goal of killing Sarah. When all seems lost, baker Brick
Fields (Jonathan Chase) returns to the bakery and bites the head off
the cookie. He then becomes possessed by Findlemeyer's spirit, turns
into a monster (with black makeup around his eyes) and is finally
thrown into the oven and burned to a crisp. Thank God! I
actually had a friend tell me that I should watch this, as it was one
of the campiest films he can recall viewing. After watching ten
minutes of this, I came to this conclusion: I need to get myself some
new friends. This is one of the poorest, most poverty-ridden and
boring horror films that I have seen in quite a while. It's as if
Charles Band (who, nowadays, seems more interested in merchandising
than actual filmmaking) forgot everything he learned in over thirty
years in the filmmaking business and started from scratch, only this
time he's using the brain of a retard with an IQ of 60. Or maybe he
just doesn't give a crap anymore. The film plods along at such a
lethargic pace, that the scant 71 minute running time (ten minutes of
it being slow-running closing credits!) seems three times as long and
the script (by Silvia St. Croix and August White, who both should be
shot) is nothing but tired old cliches and bad puns (including some
of the characters' names, take-offs of food company's names). When
Amos Cadbury (Ryan Locke) first catches sight of the Gingerdead Man
and says, "How much dough can you make from a talking
cookie?", that's about as cerebral as it gets, folks. Gary Busey
probably needed some quick coke money, because his face is on-screen
for less than three minutes and his looping of his cookie character
could have been done in less than an hour. Appearing in shit like
this is committing career suicide and if he still has the same agent,
he has no one but himself to blame. This is nothing but another one
of Band's ultra-low-budget latter-day disasters that, believe it or
not, spawned three sequels, GINGERDEAD
MAN 2: THE PASSION OF THE CRUST (2008), GINGERDEAD
MAN 3: SATURDAY NIGHT CLEAVER (2011) and, in even a new low
for Full Moon, GINGERDEAD
MAN VS. EVIL BONG (2013), none of them featuring Busey
(except in flashback footage cribbed from this film). I really don't
know why anyone would want to torture themselves by watching this,
unless they want to view Busey fall off the bottom rung of the career
ladder. There's no nudity, very little blood and talentless people in
front and behind the camera. I've farted things more interesting than
this. Also starring Larry Cedar (who should know better), Daniela
Melgoza, Margaret Blye, Alexia Aleman and James Snyder. A Wizard
Entertainment DVD Release. Unrated, but there's nothing here
approaching blood-drenched gore, just a face slashing, a finger
getting cut off and a lame knife-in-the-forehead gag.
GIRLS
NITE OUT
(1983) - What does the suicide of a certain Dickie Cavanaugh at
the Weston Hill Sanitarium have to do with someone in a bear costume
killing the students at nearby Dewitt University? It seems Dickie
Cavanaugh killed the daughter of college security guard Mac (Hal
Holbrook) years earlier and was committed to the sanitarium after
being found insane. While Cavanaugh is getting a pauper's midnight
burial, someone dressed in black attacks and kills the two
gravediggers with a shovel and buries them in the grave instead, then
taking off with Cavanaugh's corpse. After a lengthy series of
exposition scenes where we are introduced to the college's many
students and personnel (there are almost 20 separate characters with
their own story arcs!), the killings begin. At a huge sorority party,
where students drink heavily, play strip poker, have sex and cheat on
each other, someone viciously stabs the student who plays the
basketball team's mascot and steals his
bear costume. The killer accessorises the costume with a nasty sharp
homemade claw, which will be used to rip apart the female cast. The
killer also steals the details of the big sorority scavenger hunt,
which becomes useful as the killer waits at various sites to target
victims. The list of potential suspects (and red herrings) is large.
Besides Mac, who seems to harbor resentment against the student body,
there's Mike Pryor (David Holbrook, Hal's son), who just caught his
girlfriend cheating on him at the party and calls everyone
"whores" before storming out (the killer calls the female
victims "whores", "bitches" or "sluts"
while killing them); Pete 'Maniac' Krizaniac (Mart McChesney), the
school's star basketball player who seems to be repressing a secret;
and Ralph (John Didricksen), the school nerd who can't score with
women, even when he gets them drunk. The killer calls the college
radio station after each kill to announce the name of the victim and
to proclaim, "Dickie Cavanaugh is back!" So who is the
killer and why all the killings? Is it possible that Dickie has a
relative on campus? This early 80's slasher flick is pretty
good for what it is, even if it does take nearly 45 minutes for the
first college murder to occur. What's unusual is the film's approach
of the women as the aggressors and the men as the followers. The
girls are shown smoking pot, talking graphically about sex and
actually being the ones talking the guys into having sex, rather than
vice-versa as in most other horror films. It comes as no surprise
then to find out that it is a female doing all the killing, too.
While it does take a while for the killings to start, director Robert
Duebel (usually a short film and documentary filmmaker) keeps the
film moving at a brisk pace, mixing comedy (including fart jokes),
personal drama and college hijinks in a pleasing stew and plays
plenty of 60's & 70's pop hits (from such artists like The Lovin'
Spoonful, Ohio Express and Tommy James) on the soundtrack. The
murders, committed with a bear paw with serrated knives as claws, are
fairly bloody and the red stuff flows freely. Since the killer
primarily targets female victims, the first thing that popped into my
mind was that the killer must be male, so I was surprised when the
killer was unmasked. Also unusual for a slasher film is that it shows
two cops (one of them is the late Richard Bright) interviewing all
the male characters and each interview ends with the suspect saying,
"You don't think I had anything to do with this, do you?"
Mac ends up solving the case thanks to tapes the radio station made
of the calls and the film ends on a really strong image that will
stay in you mind for a few days. This is a damned good mystery as
well as a horror film and should please fans. Also known as THE
SCAREMAKER. Filmed in Ohio. Also starring Julia Montgomery,
James Carroll, Suzanne Barnes, Rutanya Alda, Al McGuire, Matthew
Dunn, Gregory Salata, Lauren-Marir Taylor, Lois Robbins, Susan Pitts,
Paul Christie and Carrick Glenn. A Thorn EMI Video Release. Also
available on DVD from Media
Blasters (long OOP). Rated R.
GNAW
(2008) - This British horror variant in the TEXAS
CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974)/HOSTEL
(2005) mode opens with an on-screen scrawl stating that over 210,000
people go reported missing in the U.K. every year and, while most of
them are found, some are never heard from again. This film is
purportedly about what happens to some of those who were never found.
After watching an unfortunate girl named Amy (Jennifer Wren) being
chased down by some hulking figure in a grotesque mask somewhere in
the Suffolk countryside and then being sliced-up into filets in his
killing cabin (where he also stirs a big pot of stew containing a
human hand), the film switches over to a group of annoying
twenty-somethings as they drive to a house in the same area for a
weekend of partying. These are stock characters straight out of
Stereotypes 101 and includes vegetarian goth chick Lorrie (Sara
Dylan); tough chick Hannah (Julia Vandoorne, who picks up
a bloody dead cat that she just ran over like she was picking up a
piece of paper); her henpecked boyfriend, Ed (Hiram Bleetman);
virginal Jill (Rachel Mitchem) and her horny, practical joke-playing
boyfriend Jack (Nigel Croft-Adams); and best friend Matt (Oliver Lee
Squires), who has a thing for Lorrie. When they walk into the house
and discover that a veritable feast of food of every type is laid-out
on the dining room table, rather than question its presence, they
chow down and eat it, starting with the steak and kidney pie, but
when a human hair is found in it, they decide to stick with the
desserts instead (good thing, too, because I'm willing to bet both
the steak and kidney are of the human variety). It's quite obvious
that the masked killer also occupies the house and has a crush on
Lorrie (who is harboring her own secrets, as she is prone to
sleepwalking and puking her guts out). Could he be related to the
house's creepy owner, Mrs. Obadiah (Carrie Cohen), who suddenly
appears and begins cooking for the group in an effort to fatten them
up? I guess we can all see where this is heading. The killer begins
slaughtering the group one-by-one, beginning with Hannah and Ed (both
are stabbed with a pitchfork; Hannah in the stomach and Ed in the
back [after he steps on a bear trap!] and then both are fed through a
meat grinder after being cut into pieces with a chainsaw). He then
turns his attention towards Jack, who is tied to a table and has his
tongue ripped-out with a pair of pliers. Jill is next on the list,
leaving Matt and Lorrie to fend for themselves. When it is revealed
that the killer (Gary Faulkner, who is listed in the credits as
"The Slaughterman") is actually Mrs. Obadiah's son and Matt
is killed (in a scene where I wanted to throw my remote at the
screen), Lorrie must defend herself from the killer's totally insane
mother. The finale, which takes place one year later, made me
actually throw my remote at the TV. Luckily I missed the TV and hit
my wife instead, so there was no damage done (Just kidding. I broke
my remote.). This highly derivative horror flick, directed by
freshman Gregory Mandry and written by Michael Bell and Max Waller,
contains all the usual horror clichés, including being in a
location where there is no cellphone service; discovering a room that
contains all the previous victims' personal effects; finding rings
and other belongings in food and not questioning it; a heroine that
doesn't eat meat; and the worst cliché of all: Trying to hide
from the killer in the dark while holding a lit flashlight (Why don't
you just shoot-up a flare?). The killer, when unmasked, looks no more
scary than a soccer hooligan with a shaved head and things go from
bad to worse for the viewer when the asthmatic Matt, who has the
killer on the ground and is just about to impale him with a
pitchfork, decides to drop it and pick up his inhaler instead. It's
moments like this that makes GNAW
the type of experience that shakes your faith in the horror genre. I
almost didn't want to watch another modern horror film ever again.
Add to that one of the most stupefying finales in recent memory (yes,
it's really that bad) and what you are left with is a film so devoid
of characterization or plot (it is very bloody, but blood without
story is just blood) that I doubt anyone but diehard gorehounds (and
Fangoria) would have anything good to say about it. A Dark
Sky Films DVD Release. Not Rated.
GORE
MET ZOMBIE CHEF FROM HELL (1986) -
After watching the first few minutes of this unfunny horror comedy, I
was instantly reminded of how anything, no matter how threadbare and
poverty-stricken, could obtain a VHS release in the 80's. All you
needed was some attention-grabbing cover art and you were guaranteed
a healthy shelf life. This is exactly one of those films and, Christ,
it's an endurance test to sit through. In 1386, the Holy Order of the
Righteous Brotherhood (which seems to only have three members)
convicts fellow member Goza (Theo Depuay, who also handled the lousy
makeup effects) of high treason and make him drink a potion that
gives him immortality, but forces him to eat human flesh daily or
else his body will begin to decompose (Is it just me, or does anyone
else fail to see the logic behind the Brotherhood's
punishment? Aren't they putting countless human lives at stake for
the sake of one man's punishment?). Six hundred years pass and Goza
is now the owner of "Goza's Deli and Beach Club", where he
kills customers (and a nosy health inspector) and, what he doesn't
eat himself, uses the uneaten body parts in the stew he serves his
clientele. The bulk of the film is Goza choosing victims and cutting
them up with a portable band saw (unconvincingly, mind you), while
the Brotherhood tries to find a way to stop him (Which, again, brings
up the question: Isn't this the Brotherhood's fault in the first
place?). The appearance of a woman named Missy (Kelley Kunicki), the
reincarnation of someone Goza knew six hundred years earlier, holds
the key to Goza's destruction. She superglues (!) Goza's mouth shut,
nails his feet to the floor (with a strangely convenient nailgun) and
watches as he decomposes. Now why didn't anyone think of that
before? Atrociuosly acted, edited, photographed and scored
(Porn films have better production values), this shot-on 8mm horror
flick, directed/produced/co-written/edited/photographed by Don Swan
(who, rightfully, never directed anything else), is the filmic
equivalent of watching paint dry. The jokes fall flat and lifeless
(To give you an example, when Goza kills a girl named Stella and
serves a burger made from her flesh to her boyfriend and he finds her
engagement ring in the meat, he screams out, "Stella!
Stella!" like he's in a high school version of A Streetcar Named
Desire. It doesn't get any better than that, folks, especially when
Goza advertises for a short order cook and a midget shows up to apply
for the job.) and the gore is nothing but dimestore props covered in
fake blood. I can't properly describe how mind-numbingly illogical
this film really is, from the robed guy carrying a staff who stands
outside of Goza's deli (Which isn't a deli at all. It's a bar/restaurant.)
and warns everyone not to go inside (Wouldn't Goza just simply make
him stew meat and be done with it?), to the state of Goza's kitchen,
which is always strewn with human body parts, Don't get me started on
the scene where a cop discovers the body parts, sits down in a chair
(with his back facing the camera) and is then decapitated with one
punch to the head by Goza's assistant cook! At certain points in the
film, Goza breaks the fourth wall and talks directly into the camera,
chiding the audience for judging him, saying he's no worse than Joe
Sixpack ordering food from McDonalds or Burger King! Watching this
film is akin to smelling a piece of liver sitting in the blazing sun
for three days. If the film itself doesn't question your
film-watching habits, the droning electronic music score (coupled
with a bad 50's-styled ditty, sung by a local black guy accompanied
by a saxophone player) which drowns out much of the dialogue, will
surely make you believe that you have a brain tumor. Really, what
other explanation could it be? Also starring C.W. Casey, Alan Marx,
Michael O'Neill, Joy Merchant, Jeff Pillars and Jeff Baughn, who
co-wrote this mess with Swan and William Highsmith. A Camp
Video Release. Not available on DVD. Not Rated. (NOTE: If
this film looks familiar to readers of this site, it's because I
originally gave it the one sentence treatment in the "Short
Reviews For Sucky Films" section. That review can still be
accessed by clicking HERE.)
GRADUATION
DAY (1981) - Minor league
slasher film helped by a veteran cast of genre actors. Tragedy
strikes at a high school track meet when sprinter Laura Ramstead
(Ruth Ann Llorens) drops dead after winning the hundred-yard dash
(turns out she had a bad ticker). It's not long before both male and
female members of the track team are dispatched in various gory
manners. Laura's sister, Anne (Patch Mackenzie; THE
DARK TOWER - 1987), takes a leave of absence from the Navy
and arrives in town just as a female student is killed while jogging
in the woods by someone with a stopwatch and a very sharp knife.
Graduation Day is rapidly approaching and some of the athletes blame
Coach George Michaels (Christopher George; GRIZZLY
- 1976) for Laura's death because he's a no-nonsense kind of guy who
pushes his athletes hard. Some say way too hard. Anne returns home to
find her mother, Elaine (Beverly Dixon), has become an alcoholic and
her stepfather, Ronald (Hal Bokar; REVENGE
OF THE BUSHIDO BLADE - 1978), is as verbally and physically
abusive since the day she left to join the Navy (He may very well be
the reason why she joined). Anne sleeps in Laura's room (Ronald has
turned Anne's bedroom into a darkroom) and tells her mother that she
only plans to stay until graduation is over (a special trophy in
Laura's honor is to be given to Anne) and she has no desire to keeps
Laura's life insurance payout, which pleases a drunken Ronald. The
black-gloved killer begins crossing out the faces of his victims on a
team photo in red lipstick, while Anne tries to figure out why Laura
really died; beginning with Laura's boyfriend, Kevin Badger (E. Danny
Murphy; FINAL MISSION
- 1984), who keeps a shrine of Laura in his home (as well as a crazy
grandmother who yells at the TV). Anne likes Kevin and gives him a
necklace she was going to give her sister at graduation. Coach
Michaels forces gymnast Sally (Denise Cheshire) to do her entire
uneven bar routine just for a newspaper photo op and the killer
(again with stopwatch in hand) murders her by thrusting a sword
through her neck while she is shaving her legs in the shower. Music
teacher Mr. Roberts (Richard Balin) is seduced by topless student
Dolores (a baby-faced Linnea Quigley) and Principal Guglione (Michael
Pataki; GRAVE OF THE VAMPIRE
- 1972), who carries a switcblade (red herring alert!), is having an
affair with his secretary Blondie (E.J. Peaker), so it's no wonder
that no one notices that students are going missing. Mr. Roberts
hears a tapping on the pipes and checks out the boiler room (Hasn't
he ever watched a horror film?), where someone is playing a cassette
tape of his makeout session with Dolores (It's a practical joke by
Dolores and Tony [Billy Hufsy] and the entire sequence leads
nowhere). Dolores and Tony get caught smoking pot by Officer
MacGregor (Virgil Frye; UP
FROM THE DEPTHS - 1979), but he lets them off with a warning
and tokes-up on the joint he confiscated from them. Anne accuses
Coach Michaels of killing her sister, but he tells Anne he
"loved" Laura, just like all his students (He also lost his
coaching job after graduation is over). The stopwatch killer then
dispatches football player Pete (Tom Hintnaus) with a spike-tipped
football to his midsection. Think you know who the killer is? I've
laid out all the potential suspects, but you'll have to wait until
just before the graduation ceremony for the killer to be
revealed. GRADUATION DAY
is a painfully slow-moving slasher flick that throws every early-80's
trick in the book to liven-up the proceedings, including an opening
disco tune, plenty of topless female nudity and even a roller skating
scene (where a band called Felony performs their 'hit' song,
"Gangster Rock"), but director/co-producer/co-screenwriter
Herb Freed (HAUNTS -
1975; BEYOND EVIL - 1980; SURVIVAL
GAME - 1987) forgot the most important ingredients: blood
and gore. Sure, there are plenty of deaths and some practical makeup
effects, but they lack the "oomph" needed to make them
memorable. Tony suffers from one of the driest decapitations this
side of an Andy Milligan film and Herb Freed hopes the editing, which
is full of shock cuts and pre-MTV flash editing (some of it almost
subliminal), will keep our minds occupied. It doesn't. The closest
thing this film comes to actual gore is when a pole vaulter lands on
a bunch of spikes and Anne discovering the dead bodies (and body
parts) under the bleachers while being chased by the killer. This is
the type of horror film where every major character acts like they
could be the killer by doing or saying ominous things (Such as Anne
saying to Coach Michaels, "We'll meet again!" Of course
they'll meet again. They'll both be at the graduation ceremony!).
It's no wonder that Herb Freed gave up filmmaking to become a rabbi!
Also starring Carmen Argenziano (FIGHTING
MAD - 1978) as Police Inspector Halliday, who appears during
the third act to wrap everything up (by shooting the wrong man!).
Letter-turner Vanna White also turns up as an overage high school
student. Originally released on VHS by RCA/Columbia Pictures Home
Video, with a budget VHS by Goodtimes
Home Video (recorded in LP mode). Also available on budget DVD
from Hollywood DVD Ltd, and a simply horrible DVD from Troma
that is the director's cut, with nine extra minutes of footage, none
of it gore. Also available on a DVD/Blu-Ray
combo pack from Vinegar Syndrome.
Rated R.
THE
GRANNY (1994) -
Semi-funny horror comedy with some witty one-liners and gross
effects. Stella Stevens stars as Granny Gargoli, an ill matriarch who
is hated by her entire family with the exception of granddaughter
Kelly (Shannon Whirry).
The rest of the family would like to see Granny dead so they can
inherit her multi-million dollar fortune. Granny has her family over
for Thanksgiving dinner and they try to kill her by poisoning her
soup. They fail. Granny has a visitor in the form of the mysterious
Namon Ami (portrayed by director Luca Bercovici), who gives her an
elixir that will give her immortal life provided it is not
exposed to the sun. Guess what happens? Granny drinks the tainted
elixir and becomes a demon bent on destroying her family. The family
(who think Granny is dead) alter her will and throw a party at her
house to celebrate her death. Granny slaughters her family in various
ways (death by scapel; death by fur stole[!]; death by castration;
death by wrestling), saving Kelly for last. Kelly joins forces with
Namon Ami to try to defeat Granny. A battle royale breaks out where
it seems good wins over evil. In a typical modern-day horror film
coda, evil has the final word. Filled with plentiful nudity,
bloodletting and funny dialogue (Granny laments on the birth of her
son by saying, I should have swallowed that load!), this
film is not a bad bet if you down a six-pack or smoke some wacky weed
beforehand. Stella Stevens is hilarious spouting vulgarisms and
acting like a lunatic. She looks like she is having a helluva good
time. She has held up pretty well for her age. Stella is no stranger
to exploitation films as she has appeared in ARNOLD
(1973), THE
MANITOU
(1978), MOM
(1989) and many others. Her biggest claim to fame may be for
producing her son, B-movie star and film producer Andrew Stevens.
Co-starring Pat Sturges, Ryan Bollman, Sandy Helberg and Heather
Elizabeth Parker (nice tits). Director Luca Bercovici also made the
awful GHOULIES
(1985, which spawned many unwanted sequels), the even worse ROCKULA
(1990, which thankfully has no sequels) and then graduated to action
films such as THE CHAIN (1996), CONVICT
762 (1997) and LUCK
OF THE DRAW (2000). THE
GRANNY
is a step in the right direction for him. A Warner Vision Films Home
Video release. Rated
R.
GRAVE
ROBBERS (1989) - Gory and fun
Mexican horror film. During the Dark Ages, the Noble Executioner of a
Catholic church is caught trying to rape a young woman and impregnate
her with Satan's seed. He is caught before he is able to finish the
deed and is tortured on the rack. When he refuses to repent his sins,
a church elder plants an axe in his chest. With his dying breath, he
puts a curse on the church and the surrounding town, saying,
"Someday someone will come and wrench the axe out. Then I'll
return with more power...to father Satan's son in one of your
descendants!" In the present day, four young graverobbers enter
the town's cemetery looking to loot some graves for gold. After
digging up a grave and finding no gold (they first light a match to
get rid of the methane gas that has built up from the decaying body),
female member Rebecca (Erika Buenfil) jumps down into the grave and
falls down a shaft when the coffin collapses. Manolo (Ernesto
Laguardia) goes in after her and discovers the old torture chamber
and a bunch bodies covered in gold and jewels. Armando (German
Bernal) and Diana
(Maria Rebeca) join their other two grave robbing friends down the
shaft and begin looting the bodies. Manolo and Armando find a crypt
and open it, even after Rebecca (who is psychic) begs them not to
(She says, "Let's go before we're jailed for tomb
profanation!"). They find the body of the Noble Executioner and
remove the jewel-encrusted axe from his chest. As soon as the axe is
removed, a storm brews outside and the bloodshed begins. The four
graverobbers hop in their truck to leave, but it's hopelessly stuck
in the mud (not much of a surprise there). The revived Executioner
grabs his axe out of the back of the truck and goes on a killing
spree, first killing two peasants on horseback who try to help the
foursome free the truck from the mud. Police Captain Lopez (Fernando
Almada) happens to be driving by and sees a riderless horse dart by
him. Once he sees the two slaughtered bodies of the peasants, he
arrests the four graverobbers for murder. At first he doesn't believe
the story they have to tell, but when more bodies turn up brutally
murdered, he has no choice. Captain Lopez has another reason to
worry: His virginal daughter Olivia (Edna Bolkan) is camping out in
the woods with three other female friends and she is the perfect
candidate to bear Satan's son. Captain Lopez finds a book bearing the
coat of arms of the Holy Inquisition that will put an end to this
menace, but it is written in Latin. He goes to his local church to
enlist the help of the Padre (Roberto Canedo) in hopes of unlocking
the books secrets. As two of the graverobbers meet a bloody end,
Captain Lopez must find a way to stop his daughter from becoming
Satan's whore. Could the axe be the answer? This obviously
low-budget Mexican horror flick takes a while to get cooking, but
once it does, it's pretty gory. Director/scripter Ruben Galindo Jr. (CEMETERY
OF TERROR - 1984; DON'T PANIC
- 1987) offers us a throat slashing, an axe to the forehead, a hand
being chopped off (and the poor girl's stump just won't stop spurting
blood!), a decapitation, a nasty chest-bursting scene, an axe to the
face, a head squeezed through the grate of a fence, a knife in the
hand and other gory mayhem. The effects may not be state-of-the-art,
but it's apparent that they're a labor of love and a breath of fresh
air when compared to the sterile CGI effects of today. The film has a
low-budget atmosphere that's infectious, so it's various shortcomings
(including some camera shadows) can be ignored. As with a lot of
Spanish and Mexican horror productions, religion plays an important
role in the redemption of some of the characters, but GRAVE ROBBERS
(on-screen title: LADRONES DE TOMBAS) doesn't hit you over the
head with it. This is a good, old-fashioned 80's gore film. Nothing
more, nothing less. Also starring Tono Infante, Tony Bravo, Augustin
Bernal, Andres Bonfiglio and Andrea Legarreta. Available on a
double-sided DVD (with Galindo's CEMETERY
OF TERROR)
from Deimos Entertainment, an off-shoot of BCI Eclipse. Both films
are fullscreen transfers in their original Spanish language with
optional English subtitles. The subtitles are serviceable, although
my Spanish skills did spot a couple of occasions where some liberties
were taken (not to mention some noticable spelling errors). It's
still great to see these titles get a legitimate DVD release, though,
and I tip my hat to BCI for doing so. Not Rated.
THE
GRAVEYARD (2006) - This second
sequel to the awful BLOODY MURDER
(1999) bears no resemblance to the first two films (which includes
2002's BLOODY MURDER 2,
the best in the series) and if it didn't take place in Camp Placid
Pines (and Placid Pines Cemetery), it would have nothing in common
with them. Which brings up the question: Would you send your kids to
a summer camp if you knew it came with it's own namesake cemetery
right next door? The film opens with six friends going to the
cemetery one night and playing a practical joke on Eric (Mark
Salling), where Bobby (Patrick Scott Lewis) dons a rubber fright mask
and track suit and chases Eric around the graveyard with a butcher
knife. Unfortunately, Eric takes it a little too seriously and
impales himself on a wrought iron fence while running away and dies.
Bobby is sent away to prison on a manslaughter charge and, when he is
paroled five years later, he and the four remaining friends (along
with some guests) return to the graveyard for a weekend (they stay in
Camp Placid Pines' cabins) to work out their issues. While Bobby acts
all mysterious and morose, someone wearing the same costume Bobby
wore that fateful night five years earlier begins killing the members one-by-one.
Bobby's ex-girlfriend Michelle (Lindsay Ballen) tries to get
everyone to share in Bobby's guilt, but some members, including
skirt-chasing Jack (Leif Lillehaugen), look on this excursion as a
vacation. When Michelle and Sarah (Erin Michelle Lokitz) go to pay
their respects at Eric grave (Lucky for them he was buried in the
same cemetery where he died!), they find the grave has been recently
dug up and Eric's body is missing. Jack's new girlfriend Veronica
(Eva Derrek) is strangled by the killer when she's taking a shower
and while cook/caretaker Peter Bishop (Markus Potter) leads a search
for her through the woods, Sarah's lesbian ex-girlfriend Zoe (Natalie
Denise Sperl) shows up and threatens everyone's lives (Never mess
with an angry lesbian!), but she dies shortly after when the killer
slits her throat (thereby eliminating her as a suspect). After Bobby
and Jack play the worst (not to mention unbelievable) practical joke
possible, the group finds all their cars disabled, the tires slashed
and wires cut. Bobby leaves by himself to make the ten mile trek to
the next town, while the masked killer begins slaughtering everyone
else in earnest. As bodies begin to pile up, Bobby is arrested by the
sheriif he flags down, while the remainder of the group try to figure
out who the killer is. You'll have to be stupider than a tree stump
not to figure it out yourself. The best way to describe this
film is "yawn". It's not badly made or amateurishly acted
(except for a couple of people), but the film offers nothing remotely
interesting to horror fans. Like most DTV flicks, the script (by
Michael Hurst, who directed the much better than expected HOUSE
OF THE DEAD II
[2005], as well as PUMPKINHEAD
4: BLOOD FEUD [2007]) is generic and doesn't make a lick of
sense. When Bobby and Jack pull their practical joke in the latter
half of the film, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back,
because it's so unrealistic, it's laughable. Director Michael Feifer (ED
GEIN: THE BUTCHER OF PLAINFIELD - 2007) is downright sloppy
in a lot of scenes (Eric impalement is pathetic) and has the habit of
pulling back when he should be pushing forward. There's an offscreen
decapitation, a really bad throat slashing (you can see the blood
coming from the blade of the knife), a bloodless strangulation, an
electrocution (in the film's second unrealistic plot twist), a
hatchet to the chest and other killings, none of them remotely
interesting. There's also some nice female nudity (all courtesy of
Eva Derrek), but it's not nearly enough to get your mind off on how
ordinary the whole film is. The reveal of the killer's identity is
telegraphed from the time of the reunion and the actor who plays the
sheriff (Sam Bologna) is horrendous and keeps saying, "I haven't
fired my gun since 1974!". If you're expecting something special
to happen when he finally does fire his gun, forget it. This film's
not that inventive. The "surprise" stinger ending leaves it
wide-open for another sequel. After enjoying BLOODY MURDER 2
so much, I was expecting something much more entertaining than this.
I should have known better. Also starring Chris Stewart and Trish
Coren. A Lionsgate Entertainment
Release. Rated R.
THE
GREAT ALLIGATOR (1979) - Land
developer Joshua (Mel Ferrer) has created a tourist trap called
Paradise House in some tropical jungle and has invited photographer
Daniel Nessel (Claudio Cassinelli) and model Sheena (Geneve Hutton)
to come and view the new attraction a few days before it officially
opens (When Joshua mentions to Sheena that Eve may have been a black
woman, the black Sheena replies, "All I know is that Adam was a
stupid shit!"). Joshua assigns his personal assistant, Alice
(Barbara Bach), to show Daniel around, but when Daniel views members
of the local Kuma tribe being used as menial and dangerous labor for
Joshua's new resort, he becomes concerned that Joshua is taking
advantage of them. Daniel also becomes worried when he spots Joshua's
right-hand man, Peter (Romano Puppo), feeding live pigs to the
crocodile population, in order to keep them close to Paradise House
as a tourist attraction. Sheena is eaten by a giant alligator while
making love to a Kuma tribesman on the eve before the resort's grand
opening and, as a busload of tourists arrive to stay at the resort,
Daniel finds Sheena's canoe with huge bite marks in it and fears she
is dead. When Daniel relays his fears to
Joshua about a man-eating alligator on the loose, Joshua prefers
that Daniel keeps quiet as not to disturb the resort's full house.
Daniel and Alice travel down river to the Kuma tribal village, where
they review a ritual being performed by the tribe and they're getting
pissed off. They are told by a tribe member that the "Great
God" (the giant alligator) has been disturbed by the
deforestation and blasting done to create Paradise House and are led
to the secret hiding place (in a cave behind a waterfall) of crazy
Father Jonathan (Richard Johnson), a missionary who fought the giant
alligator years earlier and was the only member from his mission who
survived. What a giant alligator is doing living with the crocodile
population is never explained, but when Daniel and Alice barely make
it back to the resort after being attacked by the alligator and
report it to Joshua, he has Peter beat Daniel up when he tries to
call for help on the radio. That night, the resort's helicopter is
mysteriously dragged into the lagoon and someone destroys the radio's
antennae just as the alligator begins to chow-down on the tourists
and resort staff. When Joshua refuses to cancel the tourist boat ride
down the river (called "Tarzan's Raft"!) and the Kuma tribe
kidnaps Alice and plan to use her as their next sacrifice to appease
the Great God, Daniel has to spring into action to try to save Alice
and the boatload of tourists. He manages to save Alice, but when it
comes to the tourists, let's just say the natives are as restless as
the alligator. This Italian JAWS
(1975) clone (which was made under the title GREAT
ALLIGATOR RIVER), directed by Sergio Martino (TORSO
- 1973; MOUNTAIN OF
THE CANNIBAL GOD - 1978; SCREAMERS
- 1980; AFTER THE FALL
OF NEW YORK - 1983; HANDS
OF STEEL - 1986) and co-scripted by Luigi Montefiore (a.k.a.
"George Eastman"), holds most of the gore to a minimum
until the finale, which shows the tourists fighting for their lives
from two sources: The deadly alligator in the water and the Kuma
tribe, who have had enough debasement and begin killing the tourists
with flaming spears and arrows as soon as they make it to shore. It's
the film's best sequence, as the tourists must decide which is the
worst death; in the jaws of an alligator or a flaming sharp stick in
the gut. Some of the tourists, in their panic, end up impaling
themselves on the crocodile fence that surrounds the lagoon.
Unfortunately, the rest of the film is fairly routine and bloodless.
There's also an annoying subplot where a little girl tourist named
Minou (Silvia Collatina) wanders around the resort saying
"adorable" things, while her mother and new boyfriend avoid
her. Two minutes after listening to her drivel, I was wishing the
alligator would make her a snack. Speaking of the alligator, it's
kept mainly off-screen or at least clouded by the water, which is a
good thing considering what is viewable is not very believable. The
scene where the van that Daniel and Alice are in plunges into the
lagoon is obviously (bad) model work. The Sri Lanka locations are
pretty to look at, though. Also starring Fabrizia Castagnoli, Enzo
Fisichella, Bobby Rhodes, Lory Del Santo and Anny Papa. A Gorgon
Video Release. Also available on DVD under the title THE
BIG ALLIGATOR RIVER from Noshame Entertainment. Now
available on Blu-Ray
from Code Red and also
available streaming
on Amazon Prime. Not
Rated.
GROTESQUE
(1987) -
This horror film's major distinction is that all of its' sympathetic
characters are killed off before it is half over! Linda Blair (enough
said) brings along her best friend (Donna Wilkes of ANGEL
[1983] and BLOOD
SONG
[1982]) to visit her movie makeup effects expert father (Guy
Stockwell of SANTA
SANGRE
[1989]) and mother at their house deep in the woods. Along the way
they have a chance encounter with a gang of murderous
punkers. Blair and Wilkes escape but their problems are far from
over. The leader of the gang (Brad Wilson) catches wind that Blair's
father keeps a secret stash in his house. Thinking it to be money or
drugs (?) they break into the house and slaughter Wilkes, Blair
and her family. While searching for the stash, the punks stumble onto
a hidden room containing a deformed man called Patrick. Realizing
that Patrick is the hidden stash, the punks flee. Patrick, seeing
what was done to Stockwell and Blair, gives chase and kills the punks
(including Nells Van Patten and Robert "MANIAC
COP"
[1988] Z'dar) one by one until only Wilson and his girlfriend are
left. Blair's uncle (former teen idol Tab Hunter), a plastic surgeon,
joins a police posse to find the killers of his family. The posse
finds Patrick struggling with Wilson and his girlfriend and kill
Patrick (a shotgun blast to the face), thinking that he is the
killer. The two remaining punks say that Patrick was the killer and
the police release them for lack of evidence. This pisses off Hunter
quite a bit since he knows that Patrick couldn't be the killer. He
kidnaps the two punks and exacts equal justice while revealing the
truth about Patrick and himself. This is not an easy film to
criticize. It's hard to tell if the humor is intentional or not. Van
Patten's role as a laughing psychopath is one such case. Is it a
parody or is he really trying to act? (I often think the same thing
whenever I see his dad, Dick, perform.) There is no nudity (although
Blair does threaten to take a shower) but there is enough blood and
perversity to keep you occupied in its' short 80 minute running time.
Director Joe Tornatore (ZEBRA
FORCE
[1976]) and scriptwriter Mikel Angel (who co-directed THE
LOVE BUTCHER
[1975]) also appear in minor roles. George
"Buck" Flower was Pre-Production Coordinator. There
are reviews out there that state that there's an alternate ending
where the whole movie is nothing but a film-within-a-film where the
Wolfman and Frankenstein watch the proceedings in a theatre
projection booth complaining about how no good horror movies are
being made today. They jump out of the booth and scare the hell out
of the audience (Blair included). I tend to believe it for two
reasons: 1.) The version I viewed ends rather abruptly with happy
music playing in the background and, 2.) there are listings for
actors playing the Wolfman and Frank N. Stein in the final credits
even though they are nowhere to be found here. GROTESQUE
is either a good bad film or a bad good film. That decision is up to
you. A Media
Home Entertainment VHS Release. Also available on DVD (with the
missing footage intact) from Shout!
Factory as part of their Roger Corman's Cult Classics "Vampires,
Mummies & Monsters" 2-Disc collection (which also
includes LADY FRANKENSTEIN
[1971], THE VELVET VAMPIRE
[1971] and TIME WALKER
[1982]). Rated
R.
GUTTERBALLS
(2008) - Nasty, unpleasant gore film with hardcore porn scenes
(the version that will be released to retail will be missing the
hardcore scenes). Two rival bowling teams get into a fight after
hours at the Xcaliber Bowling Center, which results in Lisa (Candice
Lewald) getting gang-raped and violated with a bowling pin (in a
needlessly graphic and overlong scene) by four miscreants, one of
them being her ex-boyfriend Steve (Alastair Gamble). The next night,
the two opposing teams, one led by Steve and the other led by Jamie
(Nathan Witte), Lisa's new boyfriend, meet after hours at the
Xcaliber lanes for a bowling competition, but the alleys are being
stalked by an unseen killer, who wears a modified bowling bag over
his head and uses various bowling-related items to dispatch the cast.
Steve and his team are surprised to see Lisa at the tournament,
especially since it looks as if she has told no one about the
gang-rape the night before. Lisa corners the weakest member of
Steve's team, Patrick (Trevor Gemma), and tells him that this will be
a night he and everyone else in the bowling alley will never forget.
The killer, who keeps tally of his victims on the alley's
electronic scoreboard using the initials BBK, strikes first when he
suffocates opposing team member Dave (Scott Alonzo) and bimbo Julia
(Danielle Munro) as they are performing oral sex on each other (Julia
chokes to death on Dave's cock and Dave is asphyxiated on Julia's
pussy in graphic close-up). BBK then kills transvestite AJ (Nathan
Dashwood) by shoving a bowling pin down his throat and then slicing
his penis in half (again in graphic close-up) like a piece of
sausage. As BBK continues his killing spree, stabbing one guy
repeatedly in the head with a sharpened bowling pin, crushing a
girl's head between two bowling balls, strangling another girl with
the laces of a pair of bowling shoes, grinding a guy's face to a pulp
in a ball polishing machine and anally raping Steve with a sharpened
bowling pin and sending his dismembered head up the ball return, the
final two bowlers, Jamie and Sarah (Mihola Terzic), try to escape the
bowling alley, only to find every exit blocked. The final reveal of
the killer(s) is one of the most incoherent and unbelievable endings
in modern slasher film history. This X-rated gore flick,
directed/written by Ryan Nicholson (TORCHED
- 2004; LIVE FEED
- 2006), is a foul-mouthed, sex-filled horror film that tries to be a
throwback to the gore-drenched slasher flicks of the 80's (including
a lot of songs from the 70's & 80's on the soundtrack), but the
amateur acting and general cheapness of the production proves to be
it's undoing. While the gore effects are very well done (some are
absolutely hard to watch, especially the penis slicing) and the
inclusion of hardcore sex scenes an added bonus (although it's
unlikely most viewers will ever see these scenes when this film gets
a distribution deal), the absence of any likable characters (they are
either sex-crazed perverts [including the women] or curse word-filled
cretins) makes it hard for the audience to give a damn about anyone's
fate. If it's gore you want, this film delivers. If it's a coherent
plot and interesting characters you crave, you're better off sticking
with the actual slasher films of the 80's, where a semblance of plot
and character development were more paramount. BBK is a ridiculous
looking serial killer, wearing a bowling bag over his head and
donning two bowling pins in holsters like they were six-shooters. The
unmasking (or rather, unbagging) of BBK and the explanation of what
the initials stand for is laughable to the point of being insanely
stupid. Let's just say that GUTTERBALLS
is bloody as hell but it doesn't have a brain cell in its tiny little
head. I also have the feeling that the music soundtrack, which
contains songs by Loverboy, Bachman Turner Overdrive, April Wine and
Trooper, will probably be altered before it is legally distributed. I
seriously doubt an ultra-low-budget film like this could afford the
licensing fees for these songs. BBK would return in the equally
pornographic GUTTERBALLS
2: BALLS DEEP (2015; which I am sure will be released in a
non-porn version) but by this time Ryan Nicholson had become a much,
much better filmmaker and a really great special effects makeup
person with his equally-talented wife Megan. The sequel was funded by
a Kickstarter campaign and they reached their goal in less than a
day, which says a lot about the popularity of the first film. I don't
hate this film, but I have seen much better, just without the
hardcore sex. I have enjoyed a lot of Nicholson's later films, though (HANGER
[2009]; BLEADING LADY
(a.k.a. STAR VEHICLE -
2010); FAMINE - 2011; DEAD
NUDE GIRLS - 2013; and especially COLLAR
[2014]). He takes chances most filmmakers don't and is not afraid to
"go there". What he needs more than anything is more
complex screenplays, If he had that capability, he would become the
new king of horror films. Also starring Wade Gibb, Jeremy Beland,
Jimmy Blais, Stephanie Schacter and Dan Ellis as the mysterious
bowling alley manager. A TLA Releasing DVD Release (the Unrated
Version without the graphic hardcore sex). The version I viewed was
the complete, unedited version supplied by Plotdigger Films. Not Rated,
for obvious reasons.
HACK-O-LANTERN
(1987) - Grandpa
(Hy Pyke of SPAWN OF THE SLITHIS
- 1977) has taken an unusual interest in his grandson Tommy (Gregory
Scott Cummins of BLOOD
GAMES
- 1989). Unusual in many ways. It is made clear early on that
Grandpa is also Tommy's biological father, the result of Grandpa
raping his daughter (Katina Garner) on her wedding day. Grandpa is
also the leader of a cult of Satan worshippers and wants Tommy to
join the cult on HALLOWEEN
NIGHT
(one of the film's alternate titles). Grandpa's influence has left
its mark on Tommy. He likes the taste of blood, dresses in black
clothing, likes his room stuffy and keeps a satanic altar in his
bedroom closet. This worries Mom quite a bit as well as Tommy's
sister (Carla Baron) and policeman brother (Jeff Brown). To make
matters worse, someone wearing a Devil costume is slaughtering the
town's population in various ways. When his sister's boyfriend turns
up dead (a shovel buried in his head), she blames Tommy and crashes
his inauguration with the Devil to exact revenge. She is captured and
Grandpa orders Tommy to kill her. He frees her instead which greatly
disappoints Grandpa. The climatic showdown at the town's annual
Halloween party pits Grandpa against the masked killer. Grandpa dies
(but not before passing his powers on to one of his grandkids) and
the killer is unmasked (no real surprise). This is an OK horror item
which, though short on logic, has enough blood and female frontal
nudity to hold your interest. A beheading, a hoe to the side of the
head, a branding and a knifing are some of the effects on view. The
acting is generally good although Pyke over emotes shamelessly (and
he looks like an older version of Mike Myers in WAYNE'S
WORLD
- 1992). Director Jag Mundhra also made OPEN
HOUSE
(1987 - with Adrienne Barbeau), THE
JIGSAW MURDERS
(1988), the Tanya Roberts starrer, NIGHT
EYES
(1990) and countless erotic thrillers in the 90's. HACK-O-LANTERN
is nothing extraordinary, but not bad and is also available on video
under the titles THE
DAMNING
and DEATH
MASK.
A Legacy Entertainment VHS Release. Rated
R.
Released on Blu-Ray
from Massacre Video.
HALLETTSVILLE
(2007) - This regional horror film, lensed in Austin, Texas,
opens with someone murdering all the school children (by hanging,
stabbing, bashing in the head with a rock) in a one-room schoolhouse
in 1901 Texas and then burying the young bodies somewhere in the
forest. Cut to the present, as we watch Tyler Jensen (Derek Lee
Nixon) attending the funeral of his grandmother Hanna Myers. He has a
flashback to when he was a child and Grandma Hanna grabbed his hand
and cryptically said, "It stops with you!". Tyler has been
away at college and when he returns back to the town of
Hallettsville, it opens a floodgate of memories and bad emotions, the
toughest being the breakup with his girlfriend April (Katie
Fountain). She is till trying to get back together with Tyler (even
offering to move so she can go to college with him), but she hurt him
so bad, he wants nothing to do with her. When Tyler finds out that
his parents are about to sell Grandma Hanna's ranch house, he gathers
his friends, Luke (producer Logan Patrick Brown), Mark (Jordan
Brower), Jonathan (Jesse Janzen), Candice (Brooke
Baker) and Kristin (Karoly Giardello), to come with him to spend one
more weekend at the house. Even April is able to talk her way into
coming with them. On their way to the ranch house, they are stopped
by Sheriff Dave Ketchum (a slurred-speech Gary Busey), who warns them
not to cause any trouble while they are here. Tyler's mother (GiGi
Erneta) is not very keen on Tyler and his friends going to Grandma
Hanna's house because, when she was a little girl, she found the
dead, mutilated body of her brother and later saw a horned demon in
her bedroom, but she closed her eyes real tight and it went away.
That night, around a campfire on the ranch house property (Where
Jonathan tells this joke: Q: "What's funnier than a dead
baby?" A. "A dead baby in a clown suit!"),
Tyler tells everyone that on this property in 1901, a black-clad,
mustached stranger visited school teacher Adam Lemmerich (Aidan
Marus) in the middle of the night and possessed him. The next morning
he killed all the school children in his charge, buried them and then
disappeared, never to be seen again. Before you can say, "Hey,
is this ranch house haunted?", the house begins fucking with
everyones' heads, so much so that Jonathan wants to go home. Tyler
agrees to drive him home, but when April tells Tyler that she's
pregnant, Jonathan's problem suddenly takes a back seat. Too bad,
because Jonathan is being haunted by the ghosts of all the dead
school children. He steals Tyler's truck, flips it over trying to
avoid a coyote in the middle of the road and is killed by one of the
ghosts, leaving everyone else trapped at the haunted ranch house with
no way out (Hey, don't they have feet? And conveniently, cell phones
don't work there.). Mark is the next to die (drowned in a pond),
followed by Kristin (tied to a tree and butchered), leaving the
remaining foursome to grab some weapons to fight the ghost children
(What do you use to kill ghosts? They're already dead!). But is it
only the children they should worry about? This totally
ordinary low-budget horror flick, directed and co-written (with star
Derek Lee Nixon and Tim Massey) by freshman Andrew Pozza, offers no
real surprises to the viewers. The story has enough holes to drive a
train through (The convenient discovery of Adam's journal, which
explains everything. Where has it been for over a hundred years?) and
the gore is very restrained, consisting of quick, almost subliminal,
edits or showing the after-effects of the kills. Gary Busey (who
looks very gaunt here, but no less crazy than usual) seems to be
embarrassed to be involved in this film (which may be why they gave
him a Producer credit) and is given the lion's share of awful
dialogue (Tyler: "Can we have a minute here?" Sheriff:
"You have 59 seconds." What is this, LET'S
MAKE A DEAL?). The majority of the film finds the cast
walking or running through the woods, while ghost children and
grunting demons pick them off one-by-one. HALLETTSVILLE
has as much meat on its bones as a starving Somalian child. The
downbeat finale, which we have seen a thousand times in modern DTV
horror flicks (Busey quits the police force and gets drunk [there's a
stretch!] and April has her baby, who has pitch-black eyes), only add
to its ordinariness. It's not a badly-made film, just a forgettable
one. Also starring Dorian Ingram, Andrew Rice and Zach Freeman. A
Westlake Entertainment Group DVD Release. Not Rated.
HALLOWEEN
NIGHT (2006) - Another one
of The Asylum's quickly-made horror flicks, this one released early
to cash-in on Rob Zombie's upcoming HALLOWEEN
(2007) remake and the whole HALLOWEEN franchise
in general. A young boy named Chris Vale witnesses his mother being
raped and shot in the head by two masked home invaders. A stray
bullet hits a steam pipe (in a house?), spraying hot steam all over
Chris and burning him over 90% of his body. Ten years later, on
Halloween Day, Chris (Scot Nery) escapes from a mental hospital when
an orderly makes fun of him by wearing the same kind of mask as the
home invaders who killed his mom (the orderly has his throat
graphically ripped-out for his stupid and insensitive joke). We then
switch to college student David Baxter (Derek Osedach; SNAKES
ON A TRAIN - 2006), as he is outfitting his home to be the
ultimate haunted house and all his friends start showing up in
costume, including his fiancée Shannon (Rebekah Kochan; PIRATES
OF TREASURE ISLAND - 2006), who
is expecting a marriage proposal. The trouble is, Chris has just
killed party guest Todd (Nicholas Daly Clark) when he stops at a gas
station bathroom to change into his costume (a masked medieval knight
complete with an armory of real edged weapons, in one of the film's
most offensive coincidences). Chris dons Todd's costume and, after
killing Todd (a sword through the mouth) and his girlfriend (repeated
blows to the stomach with a miniature battleaxe until her guts spill
out), he heads to David's party. David punks all his friends with an
ultimately tasteless practical joke that involves friend Daryll
(Jared Michaels; PLAGUERS
- 2008), a fake cop and Todd as a hostage, but since Todd isn't
actually Todd, the joke does not play out as planned and real cops
show up and shut the party down. "Hostage" Chris (still
dressed as Todd) impales Daryll with a sword and kills the fake cop
(away from everyone else) and heads back to the house, where a
pissed-off Shannon (who wasn't in on the prank), David and a few
friends (including a couple of horny lesbians) still remain. Chris
begins dispatching the few remaining guests with his arsenal of sharp
weapons (he favors the battleaxe), but he doesn't harm Shannon
because she reminds him of his mother, including the necklace she
wears around her neck that David just gave her. The questions soon
become: Is it the same exact necklace and where did David get it
from? While Chris keeps Shannon tied-up in one of the bedrooms, the
killings continue and secrets are revealed (Such as: This is the same
house where Chris was disfigured and his mother was raped and killed
ten years earlier.). I think we can all see where this is heading;
right up to the ready-made finale that leaves this film wide-open for
a sequel. Purportedly based on a true story (yeah, right), HALLOWEEN
NIGHT is nothing but a series of gory stalk 'n' slash scenes
with a minimum of plot. Director Mark Atkins (EVIL
EYES - 2004; HAUNTING
OF WINCHESTER HOUSE - 2009; and cinematographer for the
majority of The Asylum's productions) and screenwriter Michael
Gingold (LEECHES!
- 2003) have fashioned a horror film that exists solely on
clichés, coincidences and stereotypes (The only person who
puts up much of a fight with Chris is one of the lesbians and she
gets a wooden clothes hanger shoved through her eye at the end of the
fight). The major problem with this film, though, is the performance
by Derek Osedach as David. He delivers all his lines (even the most
serious ones) in such a glib, almost unrehearsed, manner that he
comes across as a younger, less funny, version of Adam Carolla (if
you can imagine that). While there is plenty of blood and gore on
view, none of it is particularly well done or memorable. It's usually
quickly-edited shots of someone being impaled or sliced, followed by
shots of the victims spitting-up blood. In other words, another
typical flick from the The Asylum, who have never been accused of
trying too hard. Also starring Sean Durrie, Alicia Klein, Erica Roby,
Amanda Ward, Jay Costelo, Amelia Jackson-Gray and a cameo by Eric
Spudic, writer of AQUANOIDS
(2003) and director of KILLERS
BY NATURE (2005). An Asylum
Home Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated.
THE
HANGING WOMAN (1973) - This
Spanish/Italian co-production contains some very gory violence and a
good dose of atmosphere, but it is missing something that I can't put
my finger on. Maybe I'll realize what it is as I write this review.
19th Century Scotland: We watch a funeral procession for a Count,
which concludes at his creepy tomb. The priest performing the service
gets so creeped out, he rushes through the service and runs out of
the tomb. Then we see the daughter of the Count, Mary (Aurora de Alba; VENGEANCE
OF THE ZOMBIES - 1972), sneaking into the empty tomb and
searching her father's corpse. She finds a document, but before she
is able to read it, someone or something grabs her (whatever it is,
it is impervious to her derringer). Mary is found hanging by her neck
in the cemetery by Serge Chekov ("Stan Cooper"; real name:
Stelvio Rosi; SOMETHING
CREEPING IN THE DARK - 1971), the Count's nephew, who
traveled a long distance to be at his funeral (and the reading of his
will). He starts banging on doors, but no one will answer, until he
gets to the castle of Countess Nadia Mihaly (Maria Pia Conte; SPASMO
- 1974). He notices a painting hanging on the wall that looks exactly
like Mary and when he tells the Countess that he found her hanging in
the cemetery, she yells out , "She is my step-daughter!"
and then faints. The police are called in (but not before we witness
Mary's gory autopsy, as we see her chest cut open and her internal
organs are removed), where the Inspector (Pasquale Basile) announces
to everyone in the castle that Mary was murdered and it was made to
look like a suicide. Since Mary was to inherit her father's fortune,
the next in the family line to reap the dead Count's fortunes will
be... Serge Chekov.
This news doesn't sit too well with the Countess, so she comes up
with a plan to get rid of Serge with the help of her sometimes lover,
cemetery caretaker Igor (Paul Naschy; THE
PEOPLE WHO OWN THE DARK - 1975). The major problem with this
plan is that the Inspector believes Igor killed Mary, so he will have
to stay hidden until the heat blows over. The Countess offers Serge a
room in the castle, but the butler (Charles Quiney) has objections
(he may also be the Countess' lover!) and they get into a fight,
Serge winning and chasing the butler out of the house by shooting his
pistol at his feet. Igor tries to kill Serge that night, but fails,
so the Countess plays stupid and invites Serge into her bedroom. She
asks Serge if he believes in the occult and then they both strip and
make love (this is intercut with Igor opening Mary's casket and
fondling her autopsied body. Necrophelia is implied!). Serge then
meets his Uncle's partner, Professor Leon Droila (Gérard
Tichy; PIECES - 1982), a
scientist who has a laboratory in the castle. The Professor is
nervous that Serge will sell the castle, thereby discontinuing his
experiments on reanimating dead tissue. Serge tells him that he can
continue his experiments because he has no plans on selling the
castle. This being a castle, there are all sorts of secret
passageways and peep holes that the Countess and Igor can use to spy
on Serge.
The Professor's daughter, Doris (Dianick Zorakowska; THE
VAMPIRES NIGHT ORGY - 1972) and Serge begin a tentative love
affair because she does not want Serge to sell the castle, so her
father can continue his experiments (The first time they meet, Serge
makes her strip in front of him. If she doesn't her father is out of
a job. When Doris does strip, Serge calls her "the most stupid
girl I have ever known" because he already agreed to let her
father continue his experiments. Yet she still falls in love with
him!). By a fluke of luck, Serge finds the Count's secret hidden
diary, but it is written in Russian. He has Doris translate the last
entry in the diary. It says, "I will take my secret to the
tomb". Serge believes that the Count has a document on his dead
body that could explain his death and who killed him, so he plans,
with Doris' help, to break into the tomb and retrieve the document.
With Doris playing decoy for the Inspector, he breaks into the tomb,
but the Count's body is not there. The Countess proposes that they
perform a seance to contact Mary, so she can tell them what was in
the document (Why not contact the Count? He would know better than
Mary!). Alas, the seance comes off better than expected, as a
zombified Count appears in the room and strangles the life out of the
Countess. For some unknown reason, Serge believes Igor is to blame
and runs to the tomb. Serge is knocked out and the zombie Count kills
Igor, sealing his body in an empty chamber in the tomb. When Serge
comes to, the Inspector is expecting answers. The Count's body is now
in the tomb and the Inspector discovers Igor's dead body in the tomb
chamber, where he has written "No37" in his own blood on
the chamber wall. What could it possibly mean?
The Inspector puts Serge under house arrest, mistakenly thinking he
killed Igor, but he and Doris are determined to discover the truth.
Are the dead coming back to life? Are the Professor's reanimation
experiments successful? Who is the woman Serge sees wearing Doris'
cape? Has the Countess come back to life? (To make sure Igor is
really dead, Serge stabs his corpse in the heart with a knife!). It
is at this point that the film switches from a mystery to a
straight-up horror film, as Serge and Doris are attacked by the
reanimated corpses of the Countess and the butler. The Inspector
captures Serge, but Doris is trapped in the castle's catacombs, a
series of tunnels that
run beneath the castle into the cemetery. Serge is able to figure
out that when "No37" is read upside-down, it reads
"LEoN" or "Leon", the Professor's first name. The
Professor reanimates Igor (He still has the knife sticking out of his
chest!) and explains his dastardly plans to Serge. It seems that the
Count went mad and wanted the Professor to supply him with an army of
zombies (WTF?!?), and he wanted nothing to do with it, but he didn't
want to lose his laboratory, so he killed the Count (and had one of
his zombies kill Mary). He used the castle's underground tunnels to
steal bodies from the cemetery for his experiments. The Professor
doesn't know that his daughter is trapped in the catacombs and when
he realizes he has no control over Igor (Serge has to cut Igor's head
off with a sword!), he and Serge try to rescue Doris from his other
zombies. How do you kill a zombie in 19th Century Scotland (Serge
tries by pumping nine bullets into the butler's body with his
six-shooter, without reloading!)? Fire is a good idea, but expect a
surprise ending.
I think I know know what that "missing something" thing is
that I mentioned at the top of this review. This film is far too
schizophrenic for its own good. It doesn't know whether it wants to
be a mystery or a horror film and it fails at both. Too bad, because
the horror in this film is palpable, but it is under-utilized. The
zombies are frightening in their appearance, but we see too little of
them. Director/co-screenwriter (with Enrico Colombo; NIGHT
OF THE BLOOD MONSTER - 1970) José Luis Merino, who
also gave us SCREAM
OF THE DEMON LOVER (1970), as well as ZORRO
THE INVINCIBLE and ZORRO,
RIDER OF VENGEANCE (both 1971 and starring this film's
Charles Quiney as the title character), supplies plenty of
atmosphere, but the story is lacking in urgency, as we really don't
care what happens to Serge or Doris since they are so broadly written
(Serge especially, since he treats Doris like a two dollar whore and
she gladly accepts it). Paul Naschy took a secondary role in this
film because he was filming THE
CRIMES OF PETIOT (directed by José Luis Madrid)
back-to-back with this and couldn't spare the time for a starring
role. This film does have plenty of female nudity (some of it full
frontal) and blood, so it it not a total loss. I have seen much worse
Spanish horror, so you may think more of it than I do.
Also known under a littany of titles. It was released to theaters in
the U.S. under the review title and as BEYOND
THE LIVING DEAD. It was also released on VHS under those two
titles as well as RETURN
OF THE ZOMBIES (the print title is "Return Of The
Zombis". My review is based on this tape) by Wizard
Video. Full Moon
released a fullscreen DVD of this film using the Wizard print as part
of their "Full
Moon's Grindhouse Collection". Unfortunately, that is all
that is legally available in the States, as we have yet to get a
widescreen DVD or Blu-Ray (at the time of this review). Hey Code Red,
what do you say? Also starring Giuliana Garavaglia, Carla Mancini,
José Cárdenas and Isarco Ravaioli. Rated R.
HAPPY
BIRTHDAY TO ME (1980) - When
Columbia Pictures saw what a monster hit Paramount Pictures had with FRIDAY
THE 13TH (1980), they quickly commissioned their own slasher
film and this was the result. I must say that their choice of
director, J. Lee Thompson, was a bit peculiar, since the closest he
came to directing a horror film was the original CAPE
FEAR (1962) or the Charles Bronson fantasy Western THE
WHITE BUFFALO (1977; Thompson would also direct the majority
of Bronson's 80's output, including THE
EVIL THAT MEN DO - 1984; MESSENGER
OF DEATH - 1988; and KINJITE:
FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS - 1989). The choice of casting Western
film and TV star Glenn Ford to offset the young cast was also an odd
choice, in what amounts to an extended cameo (although he does have
more screen time here than he did in the strange Italian/German
horror film THE VISITOR
- 1978), but this whole film has this same odd feel, like its whole
purpose was to rush it out to theaters before the slasher craze ran
its course. The story is fairly simple: Troubled teen Virginia
"Ginny" Wainwright (Melissa Sue Anderson; MIDNIGHT
OFFERINGS - 1981) re-enrolls as a student at Crawford
Academy and soon members
of her new clique of friends begin dying bloody deaths. Previously,
Ginny was involved in a car accident where her mother died and Ginny
laid in a coma for several months, but an experimental procedure to
regrow brain tissue was performed on her, which made Ginny wake up.
Her memory is a bit foggy, but as every day passes, she gets bits and
pieces of it back with the help of her psychiatrist, Dr. David
Faraday (Ford). Harold (Lawrence Dane; RITUALS
- 1977), Ginny's very rich father, seems to be holding something back
from his daughter, but when more and more of Ginny's friends end up
missing (they are actually killed, but only the audience is let in on
that), even his money may not buy his way out of this situation. We
watch as Ginny's friends meet various bloody demises by a killer
dressed in black leather (including the prerequisite gloves):
Bernadette (Lesleh Donaldson; FUNERAL
HOME - 1981) has her throat slit with a strait razor;
Etienne (Michel Rene Labelle) has his face turned into a bloody pulp
when his scarf is tossed into the spinning wheels of his motorcycle;
Greg (Richard Rebiere) has his trachea crushed when the killer drops
a 20 lb. weight on his balls while he is bench-pressing way too much
weight; Alfred (Jack Blum) is stabbed in the stomach with garden
shears; Steve (Matt Craven; THE
INTRUDER WITHIN - 1981) is skewered through the mouth with a
shish-kebab tong; Ann (Tracy Bregman; THE
CONCRETE JUNGLE - 1982) has her throat cut and is placed in
a bathtub; and Dr. Faraday has his skull split open with a fireplace
poker. All evidence points to Ginny being the killer and as her
eighteenth birthday rapidly approaches, it sets the all-too-familiar
scene of all the dead students sitting around Ginny's birthday table,
complete with birthday hats and party favors, but an unbelievable
final coda reveals if Ginny is really the killer or not (bet on
not). Way too overlong at 111 minutes, HAPPY
BIRTHDAY TO ME suffers from that old corporate curse: Yeah,
we want to make a teen slasher flick, but let's fill it with
characters that were born to be red herrings (not to mention that
they don't act like teens I ever knew), adults that act like they
were never kids (they either yell at, ignore or patronize the teens)
and edit the killings so that they show a hint of red, but never goes
"all the way" (You have to hit the freeze frame button on
your remote to get the full effect). Another important aspect this
film lacks is nudity, something teen slashers must have. The closest
it gets is showing Ms. Anderson in her bra. She even takes a shower
and we see nothing! So basically what we have here is what a big
studio thinks a slasher film should be and, of course, they miss the
whole point by a mile. The late Glenn Ford looks and acts bored
beyond tears and the screenplay, by John Saxton, Peter Jobin and
Timothy Bond, is full of those handy coincidences and surprise
reveals that makes audiences groan loudly in disbelief (especially
that perfect Melissa Sue Anderson mask that the killer wears in the
finale that would make MISSION
IMPOSSIBLE envious!). Worth viewing if only to see how big
corporations fuck-up the slasher genre. Also starring Lisa Langlois (THE
NEST - 1987), Sharon Acker, Frances Hyland, David Eisner and
Lenore Zann (VISITING HOURS
- 1982). Originally released on VHS by Columbia Pictures Home
Entertainment and available on widescreen DVD from Anchor
Bay Entertainment. Rated R.
HAPPY
HELL NIGHT (1991) -
What starts out as a strange and eerie experience quickly turns into
standard slasher material in this Canadian/Yugoslavian co-production.
A college fraternity sends out its pledges on Hell Night to take a
photo of a lunatic named Malius (Charles Cragin) at the local insane
asylum. Twenty-five years earlier, Malius
killed and dismembered five pledges of the same fraternity and has
spent the past quarter century sitting motionless in his cell, the
outside world protected by a crucifix attached to his cell door. As
you can guess, the pledges fuck-up and release Malius (whose pale,
skeletal features make him a sight to behold) and he goes on a
killing spree at the college. There's a sub-plot involving a pledge
and his brother (the fraternity president) who are both in love with
the same girl, but it's not very interesting. Darren McGavin portrays
the two brothers' father, a survivor of the original massacre who
harbors some secrets of his own. The rest of the film is merely a
series of brutal (and unrated) killings, as Malius slashes throats,
removes limbs and thrusts an ice hammer through the bodies of
unsuspecting college kids having sex, including the welcome death of
a video peeping tom (Ted Clark, who looks like comedian Richard
Belzer on a herion binge). McGavin arrives to save his kids and
confesses that it was he who performed a satanic ritual twenty-five
years earlier, raising Malius from the dead (he thought it was a
harmless fraternity prank until it was too late). McGavin is then
stabbed in the back with his own ice hammer by Malius and as he lays
mortally wounded he tells the kids that only the reading of a magical
passage, performed at the original massacre site, will return Malius
to the grave. They do. He does. The end. Or is it? While this film
does have a few atmospheric touches (including a statue of Jesus on
the cross coming to life) and plenty of extreme gore, it is basic
"Teens have sex, teens get killed" formula filmmaking made
popular back in 1980 by FRIDAY
THE 13TH.
This type of film went out of style years ago. Charles Cragin is
terrifying as Malius and one wishes that there were a better
storyline to showcase his talents (the ending of this film points the
way for a Part 2, but I doubt that will ever happen). Darren
McGavin's role in this film is no more than a extended cameo and he
looks embarassed to be here. He probably took the role to get a free
trip to Yugoslavia (where some exteriors were filmed) and to get some
extra booze money. It's a long way from his KOLCHAK:
THE NIGHT STALKER (1974 - 1975) days. Everyone else in the
cast are unknowns and will probably stay that way. If you are
interested, there is some full frontal female nudity on view as well
as some good photography, but not enough to get your mind off the
fact this is something you have seen a hundred times before. To sum
it up, HAPPY
HELL NIGHT
is neither good or bad. It's just deja vu. Directed by Brian Owens
who also got story credit on the 1994 horror opus BRAINSCAN.
Released on DVD by Anchor
Bay Entertainment to cash-in on co-stars Jorja Fox (TV's CSI)
and Sam Rockwell's (MATCHSTICK MEN
- 2003) recent fame (they have basically nothing more than cameo
roles here, especially Fox, who goes uncredited in her role as a
sorority girl). Available on a beautiful OAR
Blu-Ray from Code Red
with a reversible cover. Not
Rated.
HATCHET
(2007) - When one of the blurbs on the DVD package states
"Amongst the greatest slasher flicks of all time", your
expectations are automatically set to "high". Sadly, it
fails to meet those expectations, but I will give it points for being
extremely bloody and downright funny in spots. This Louisiana-set
(but filmed on sets in Los Angeles) horror comedy opens with a
father/son gator hunting team (played by Robert Englund and Joshua
Leonard) being savagely disemboweled and dismembered by some unknown
killer with superhuman powers. We then cut to Mardi Gras, where
downbeat Ben (Joel David Moore; the paranoid computer game genius
"J.R." in GRANDMA'S BOY
[2006]), who is trying to get over a recent breakup with his
girlfriend, talks his friend Marcus (Deon Richmond; SCREAM
3 - 2000) into taking a haunted midnight swamp tour, run by
huckster Shawn (Parry Shen), who knows less about the swamp than his
paying customers, which includes know-it-all Mr. Parmetteo (Richard
Riehle) and his wife (Patriko Darbo); a Girls Gone Wild-type producer
named Doug Shapiro (Joel Murray) and two bimbos, Misty (Mercedes
McNab) and Jenna (Joleigh Fioreavianti), who doff their tops at the
drop of a hat;
and morose local girl Marybeth (Tamara Feldman), who is the daughter
and sister of the two missing gator hunters. When the inexperienced
Shawn accidentally sinks the tour boat and Mr. Parmetteo is bitten on
the leg by a gator, the tour group must traverse the swamp at night.
Marybeth tells everyone that the swamp is haunted by the ghost of
Victor Crowley (Kane Hodder; also the film's Stunt Coordinator), a
horribly disfigured man who was accidentally axed in the head by his
father (also played by Hodder in flashbacks) when trying to save him
from a house fire (a prank gone wrong perpetrated by local kids with
fireworks). Victor makes his presence immediately known and begins
killing members of the tour group in extremely graphic ways, while
everyone bickers amongst themselves and reveal secrets about each
other (Some are damn funny, such as when Jenna reveals that she was
not accepted at New York University, so she had to attend Hoffstra
instead!). Only Ben and Marybeth are able to keep their wits about
them (not to mention their heads) as Victor dispatches the rest of
the group. The quick finale (a direct steal from the first FRIDAY
THE 13TH [1980]) will have you cursing at the screen in
utter disappointment. The only way to watch this film is by way
of the unrated DVD from Anchor Bay Entertainment. It did have a
limited theatrical run, but it was a heavily-cut R-rated edit, that
trimmed most of the bloody deaths. Director/scripter Adam Green (SPIRAL
- 2007; co-directed by star Joel David Moore) spends too much time on
character development and jokey dialogue throughout the first half of
the film, but once Victor Crowley starts his killing spree, it's
pretty much a non-stop gorefest. Special effects master John Carl
Buechler (who has a cameo here as a swamp hick named Jack Cracker)
and his MMI effects house supply some truly eye-opening and,
refreshingly, non-CGI gore set-pieces, including bloody dismemberment
by hatchet, a head getting manually ripped apart at the jawline, a
head being twisted-off at the neck like a bottlecap, dismemberment
and decapitation by shovel, a face being ground to chuck by a
gas-powered belt sander (!), arms being ripped out of their sockets
and other bloody mayhem. Believe me when I say that nothing is left
to the imagination. Green's joke-filled script contains more groaners
than hits, but I found myself laughing out loud on several occasions.
It's also apparent that Green is a huge fan of slasher films, as he
slips in various homages to slasher flicks of the past, especially
the FRIDAY THE 13TH series (Parts 1
& 2 are
predominantly featured). My biggest complaint, though, is the sudden,
senseless ending, which either shows that Green could never figure
out a proper finale or he wanted to set it up for the inevitable
sequel. Either way, it's nearly an unforgivable cop-out. Die-hard
gorehounds should really enjoy this, though. It's well-made, decently
acted by a cast of familiar faces and bloody as hell. Tony Todd (who
is becoming the Cameron Mitchell of the new millennium) puts in a
cameo as the litigious-wary Reverend Zombie, a swamp tour guide who
refuses to take Ben and Marcus on a tour because his last customer
sued him. An Anchor
Bay Entertainment Release. The DVD contains a wealth of extras,
including a "making of" documentary, plenty of
behind-the-scenes docs on the gore effects and other background info,
full-length commentaries by the cast and crew and a funny gag reel.
Followed by an ultra-gory
sequel in 2010, with Adam Green directing, Tony Todd in a much
bigger role as Reverend Zombie and Danielle Harris (HALLOWEEN
- 2007) giving the worst performance of her career. As with the
original, stay away from the R-Rated edit, otherwise you will miss
some of the best, bloodiest kills. Unrated.
HATCHET
III (2013) - NOTE: To see my
thoughts on HATCHET II
(2010), click HERE.
While slightly better than its predecessor, this second sequel still
leaves a lot to be desired storywise, unless you watch these films
only for the gore. If that's all you want, this film delivers the
grue in bucket loads. It begins where the first sequel left off,
where Marybeth (Danielle Harris, who is still as bad as she was in
the first sequel, replacing Tamara Feldman in the original film)
shoots Victor Crowley (Kane Hodder) in the face with a shotgun
(although it looks like much more damage was done to his face in the
first sequel) and walks away, only to have Crowley get up and chase
her. During their struggle, Crowley falls on an operating chainsaw
and is cut in half from stem to stern (Outrageously graphic, but
don't chainsaws have safety switches so this type of thing doesn't
happen?). Marybeth, who is soaked in blood, takes a piece of
Crowley's face and walks into the local police station, still
carrying the shotgun. She is immediately arrested, washed down by a
power hose (What about preserving the evidence?) and put in a cell
under suspicion of multiple murders, where Sheriff Fowler (Zach
Galligan, a long career slide since his starring role in GREMLINS
- 1984) interrogates Marybeth and she tells him that Victor Crowley
was responsible, not her. Not believing her, he sends out a search
team into the area she was in the swamps, only for the team to
discover multiple
body parts and bodies missing most of their skin. As the Sheriff
heads to the area, with a boat crew of paramedics (including Andrew
[Parry Shen, who returns from the first two films, but in a totally
different role] and Randy [Sean Whalen; LAID
TO REST - 2009]) and a S.W.A.T. team (headed by Hawes [Derek
Mears, who played Jason Vorhees in the 2009 FRIDAY
THE 13TH reboot]), the Sheriffs ex-wife, Amanda (Caroline
Williams; THE TEXAS
CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 - 1986, who overacts here to the point of
parody), a disgraced reporter who hopes to prove her theory that
Victor Crowley is real, talks Deputy Winslow (Robert Diago DoQui)
into releasing Marybeth from her cell to defeat Victor Crowley once
and for all. Amanda believes that only the people related to the
persons responsible for Victor Crowley's father's death can kill him
(Marybeth is the daughter of one of the deceased men, played by
Robert Englund in the first film), so she, Marybeth and Deputy
Winslow drive to the house of Abbott McMullen (Sid Haig, in a funny
cameo performance as a hard-of-hearing racist), who has the cremated
remains of Crowley's father in an urn. Amanda thinks that if Marybeth
gives the urn to Victor Crowley, he will disappear for good and not
be able to repeat the same day over-and-over. After nearly everyone
is killed in the swamp by Crowley (gore-soaked deaths, including the
decapitation of Sheriff Fowler using the gas-powered belt sander,
which was also used in the first two films but doesn't exist in real
life), the trio turn up in the swamp, where Amanda and Deputy Winslow
are butchered by Crowley. Marybeth manages to throw the ashes of his
father on Crowley's face after she is impaled on a tree branch.
Crowley begins to disintegrate, but Marybeth makes sure that he is
dead by blowing his body to bits with a shotgun blast. As Marybeth
begins to takes her final breaths (?), the film cuts to black and the
movie is over (a trademark of this franchise). None of the film
makes any sense at all and there are plot holes galore, but there are
a few redeeming bits and pieces (pardon the pun), including a
uncredited cameo from the first film's star, Joel David Moore, where
we finally learn his fate. The gore is laid on hot and heavy and is
very well done (by "Aunt Dolly's Garage"), but the film has
a overall cheapness to it. Adam Green doesn't direct this time (he
just wrote the screenplay and executive produced it, along with six
other people), handing over the reins to freshman director BJ
McDonnell, who usually is an expert Steadicam operator on such films
as THE COLLECTOR (2009) and
its sequel THE COLLECTION
(2012) and worked on the first two HATCHET
films as well. McDonnell does all he can with a weak script (there's
a funny scene concerning a man's testicles hanging from a tree
branch), but it's apparent most of the film's meager budget was spent
flying everyone to Louisiana (the film's locale and the first time
the series has filmed there, lensed during the Spring and Summer of
2012, where many of the crew were hospitalized with numerous bug
bites and heat exhaustion), the massive gore effects (all physical
and no CGI enhancement, which is always a plus), weapons fire and
explosions. But if you're just in the mood for a blood-spattered
gorefest, you may overlook the film's many shortcomings and just go
along for the ride. I'm sure there will be a Part 4 sometime in the
future, but as of this review, none has been announced. I just hope
they replace Danielle Harris this time. She's great on the eyes (she
has a nude scene in this, revealing that she has a giant tattoo on
her back), but her acting in the two sequels borderlines on
amateurish. Also starring Cody Blue Snider, Rileah Vanderbilt, Jason
Trost, John Michael Sudol and Diane Ayala Goldner. Adam Green appears
as a drunk in a cell next to Marybeth. A Dark
Sky Films DVD & Blu-Ray Release. As with the first two
films, expect an R-Rated cut (avoid) and an Unrated one. NOTE:
A surprise third sequel, VICTOR
CROWLEY, was announced to be released in 2017 (released on
Blu-Ray & DVD in February 2018), directed by Adam Green.
HATCHETMAN
(2003) - Here's an original idea: Someone sporting a latex horror
mask and a black hooded sweatshirt is killing the strippers who work
at a titty bar run by DiAngelo (Gino Maurizio). The unknown killer is
particularly interested in the strippers' hands, as he has the
tendency to cut them off with his trusty sharp steel hatchet and take
them with him. Claudia (Cheryl Burns), a college girl by day/stripper
by night (are there any other kind?), is dating cop Sonny (Jon
Briddell), who supports Claudia's night job (stripping is helping her
pay her way through law school), but really wants to marry her and
get her out of the stripping lifestyle. Every time he goes to pop the
question, another stripper ends up dead and he has to leave to
investigate. The list of suspects (i.e. red herrings) is rather
small, but obvious: There's Daniel Strong (Daniel Brown), a
ex-boyfriend of one of the dead strippers who was just released from
jail; Marty (Matt McDonald), a perverted auto
mechanic who lives in the same apartment complex as all the
strippers (a plot device that is too coincidental to believe) and
likes to sneak into their apartments and try on their underwear;
apartment manager Rob (Chris Moir), who has a crush on snooty
stripper Star (Mia Zottoli) and has installed a spycam in her
apartment so he can watch her; and Rob's friend Curtis (Darren Keefe
Reiher), a surveillance specialist and apartment maintenance man who
has a thing for novice stripper Molly (Nina Tapanin). When stripper
Chloe (Racquel Richard) is found dead in her apartment with her hands
missing (her nose-picking days are over), Claudia decides this is the
perfect time to re-evaluate her life. Does she give up stripping and
marry Sonny? Hell, no, she does the exact opposite! She breaks up
with Sonny, the only person who can protect her, and continues
stripping, while trying to solve the murders on her own (she is such
a fucking idiot!). When Rob spots someone in a black hooded
sweatshirt in Star's apartment on his spycam, he alerts a cop, who
enters Star's apartment and shoots Marty (who was only there to
ransack Star's panty drawer), killing him. Star is then killed in her
car, Daniel is arrested and a cop is killed in the apartment after
Daniel is captured, which proves that Daniel is innocent and the
killer can be only one of two people. The idiotic Claudia and the
rest of the strippers celebrate Daniel's arrest by partying with Rob
at Curtis' home deep in the woods (c'mon now, I may be gullible but
I'm not fuckin' gullible!). I think everyone with half a brain can
guess what happens next. Well, if it's tits and ass you are
looking for, HATCHETMAN
certainly delivers, much more so than any horror film in recent
memory. Hardly five minutes go by without some good-looking gal
exposing her breasts (some natural, but most silicon-enhanced) or
giving us some gratuitous crotch shots, but the horror elements
usually amount to nothing more than showing us the killer swinging
his hatchet, followed by shots of blood splashing against walls,
windows and other objects. Director Robert Tiffi (a.k.a. Robert
Tiffe; SWORD OF HONOR -
1994) does let us see some of the handless corpses after the fact (as
well as a pretty lame CGI-enhanced throat slitting), but the
screenplay, co-written by Tiffe and Steven Jones, just piles-on one
plot convenience and contrivance after another until all the viewer
can do is roll their eyes in disbelief. Not only are we expected to
believe that all the strippers live in the same apartment complex and
that Claudia couldn't have picked the worse time to break-up with
Sonny, we are also supposed to believe that Claudia is better at
police work than her ex-boyfriend, based solely on the fact that she
will soon be entering law school! Once you hear the killer's
motivation for the hand removals ("Mommy did bad things with her
hands!"), I doubt you'll stay until the film's sorry non-ending.
The whole film plays like some third-rate Americanized giallo film,
so why don't you watch one of those instead? The acting runs from
decent to truly awful (Chris Moir as Rob is simply terrible) and the
cinematography is sometimes very atmospheric, but HATCHETMAN
fails as a horror film thanks to it's absurd screenplay full of
coincidences and mind-numbing motivations. As a T&A flick, on the
other hand, it succeeds completely. Also starring Elizabeth Ryan,
Fonta Sawyer, Leila Renae and Christina Lepanto. A Showtime
Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.
THE
HAUNTED (1976) - During
the Civil War an Indian woman (Ann Michelle) is accused of
witchcraft by a priest and an Army sergeant (Aldo Ray) to cover up
the fact that she caught them stealing Indian gold. Her punishment is
to be stripped
naked, tied to a horse and sent out to the Arizona desert to die.
She curses Ray and his family line, saying the curse will be lifted
when the gold is returned to its' rightful owners. Over 100 years
later, the sergeant's descendent (Ray again) lives in a virtual
ghost-town called Apacheland (an old movie location site) with his
two nephews (Jim Negele & Brad Rearden) and his dead brother's
blind wife (Virginia Mayo). Mayo has gone a little looney thanks to
an auto accident which killed her husband and left her sightless. Ray
is in love with her (he blames his brother for stealing her away from
him) and takes advantage of her now broken mind, making love to her
while pretending to be her late husband. Strange things begin to
happen in Apacheland. The telephone company installs a phone booth in
the middle of the town's cemetery. One night the phone rings, and
when Ray picks up the receiver, he hears the voice of the Indian
woman telling him that his days are numbered. A young woman pulls
into town with car trouble. She bears a striking resemblance to the
Indian woman of yore (in fact it is Michelle again). She and Negele
build a relationship much to Ray's displeasure. Negele sends his
mother off to a sanitarium, feeling that she will get better there.
That also pisses Ray off. Ray goes off the deep end (he knows where
the gold is buried) and figures that if he kills Michelle the curse
will be lifted. In the end, the telephone booth exacts the Indian
woman's revenge thanks to Ray's carelessness with gasoline.This is a
literate, bloodless exercise in the supernatural hampered by some
amateurish acting (especially by Rearden). Director Michael de
Gaetano (UFO:
TARGET EARTH
[1974]; VIDEO
DEMONS DO PSYCHOTOWN
[1989 - a.k.a. BLOODBATH
IN PSYCHO TOWN]) gives us lush scenery, fleeting shots of
breasts and some metaphysical dialogue. Worth a look if you like your
horror more emotional than ensanguined. Originally released on VHS by VCII,
followed by a budget VHS release from Gemstone
Entertainment. Also available on DVD
from Code Red. Rated
R.
THE
HAUNTING OF HELL HOUSE (1998) -
During the mid-to-late-90's, producer Roger Corman shot several
haunted house horror films in Ireland (He set up a studio in Galway,
Ireland and shot several dozen films of all genres from 1996 to 2002,
which can be seen in the Irish documentary IT
CAME FROM CONNEMARA!! [2014], something I advise you should
search for), including SPECTRE
(1996), THE DOORWAY (2000), and KNOCKING
ON DEATH'S DOOR (1998), which director/co-writer Mitch
Marcus (A BOY CALLED HATE
- 1995; BOLTNECK - 2000) shot
back-to-back with this film, a short, but not-so-sweet, supernatural
tale based on the Henry James short story "The Ghostly
Rental" (the film's shooting title). The film opens up in 1800's
Boston, where James Farrow (Andrew Bowen; BIG
BAD WOLF - 2006) and his secret girlfriend Sarah (Aideen
O'Donnell) find what they think is an abandoned mansion and make
love. A couple of months later, Sarah discovers she is pregnant, so
artist college student James convinces her to get an illegal
abortion, otherwise he will have to drop out of school. He takes her
to a sleazy back alley abortionist/doctor, where something goes wrong
and James is forced to take Sarah to a motel room above a bar, while
she slowly bleeds to death. He leaves the room, telling her he will
be right back and will get her help, but the callous James leaves her
there while he goes back to his normal business. He catches a case of
the guilts and goes back to the motel, only to discover the police
carrying her bloody corpse away and put it on a cart. For some
reason, James decides to go back to the mansion where he got Sarah
pregnant, only to see a ghostly Sarah staring back at him through a
window. He is also nearly trampled to death by a horse ridden by the
sickly Professor Ambrose (Michael York, with huge muttonchops), who
is racing away from the mansion at a high rate of speed. Professor
Ambrose teaches at the same low-class college that James goes to and
has an obsession with death (it all has to do with something that
happened in
his past). James is somehow drawn to that mansion, where he passes
out on the porch and has a strange dream of a naked, bleeding Sarah
lying on the floor while the room fills up with a geyser of blood
(most of the bloody visions are taken from the cost-cutting Corman's THE
HAUNTING OF MORELLA [1990], which wouldn't be a problem if
there wasn't a trailer for that film on this DVD and it shows some of
the same images we see in this film!), only to be chased away by a
cane-swinging Professor Ambrose, who says that this is his house. The
police are investigating the death of Sarah and the lead Inspector on
the case, Lt. Ryan (Mike Finn), checks out the room Sarah died in and
comments, "We are looking for a man with dirty fingernails."
Meanwhile, James' bloody nightmares are now manifesting themselves
in the real world, as he wakes up from a nightmare with bloody
scratches on his stomach. James watches Sarah's funeral from afar
(where he has another strange waking nightmare), where he notices a
sickly-looking Professor Ambrose sitting in the graveyard. James
tells Professor Ambrose that he is being haunted by the spirit of a
dead woman and he believes the Professor is experiencing something
similar, too. Professor Ambrose tells James to meet him at his study
tomorrow night and not to breathe a word about it to anyone (rumors
from some of James' college friends believe Professor Ambrose left
teaching at the exclusive Harvard University and took a low-paying
job at their meager college because he murdered someone in his past).
At the study, Professor Ambrose tells James at one time he was
married and he and his wife had a happy life in the mansion that
James is drawn to. His wife got pregnant and died at childbirth,
leaving the Professor to take care of his daughter on his own. He and
his daughter made a pact with each other to look out for one another
for all time. Years pass and Professor Ambrose comes home early after
giving a lecture at Harvard, finding his daughter Lucy (Claudia
Christian; THE HIDDEN - 1987)
kissing and getting ready to make love to a man the Professor never
met before. When Lucy tells her father that they are going to get
married, Professor Ambrose reminds Lucy of the pact they made and
tells her intended husband that if he ever sees him again, he will
destroy the man's reputation (and, back then, he had the power to do
so). He also tells Lucy that she is dead to him now and storms out of
the mansion. A few weeks later, Professor Ambrose comes to his senses
and returns to the mansion, only to find a note written by the
intended husband saying that Lucy slipped into a coma and died. From
that day on, Professor Ambrose became a broken man. He also became a
haunted one, too. Lt. Ryan is getting closer to the truth in Sarah's
death and James increasingly sees the ghostly Sarah as she creepily
asks him to join her in the Netherworld. Professor Ambrose tells
James in the cemetery that one night while he was sleeping at the
mansion, he was awoken by something or someone scratching at his
bedroom door. Just as he puts the chain on the door, a female hand
comes thrusting through the opening. The apparition of Lucy appears
that same night and tries to strangle Professor Ambrose while he
sleeps, so he decides to sell the mansion. Every time a potential
buyer comes to look at the mansion, the spirit of Lucy scares them
away. One night, Lucy's ghost appears to her father and tells him to
leave the house to her. She will be the tenant and gives him a bag of
coins. There was one condition attached: Professor Ambrose must
return to the mansion every week to pick up the rent and drink a
glass of wine (something he refused to do when Lucy announced she was
getting married). Professor Ambrose tells James that none of the
coins are dated later than his daughter's death. He survives on this
ghostly rental (the job at the college pays but a mere pittance), but
the line between dream and reality have eroded for him (he also seems
to get sicker by the day and coughs a lot). James wants to go with
Professor Ambrose on his next rent pickup, but the Professor refuses
and tells him to go out and live his life (James has never told
Ambrose that he was responsible for Sarah's death). Professor Ambrose
leaves the cemetery, telling James not to follow him, but James sees
Sarah's ghost (there is blood coming out of her eyes and mouth) and
decides that he must break his promise to the Professor, if not only
for him to keep his sanity. Lt. Ryan finds the back alley abortionist
and arrests him, but he is able to point out James walking down the
street as the person who brought Sarah to him and a footchase
commences. James and an officer tussle, but James gets away, losing
his sketchpad in the process. James hides-out at friend Fletcher's
(Jason Cottle) house, but the nightmares won't stop, as Sarah keeps
haunting him (this time he sees her stab him in the back and we get a
fleeting glimpse of James' innards spilling out his stomach). Lt.
Ryan is able to locate Professor Ambrose (who is now at the point of
death) through the drawings in James' sketchpad, which leads Lt. Ryan
to Fletcher's house. James is able to escape through a window and a
severely ill Ambrose picks up James off the streets and brings him to
his home. A dying Ambrose tells James that finally telling his story
to someone has released him of his otherworldly torments and he will
now die in peace. James believes the only way to redeem himself is to
go to the mansion and give himself to Sarah, but once he gets to the
mansion, what he discovers is nothing he expected. It seems that Lucy
was never dead. She was tormenting her father for breaking up her
wedding and was slowly poisoning him with small doses of arsenic in
the glasses of wine he was drinking every week when he picked up the
rent. James drinks the glass of wine (Lucy tells him that this was to
be the final glass of wine for her father, as she added a lethal dose
of arsenic in it) and is the captured by the police and thrown in
prison. It what turns out to be the film's most ironic scene, the
back alley abortionist is his next cellmate and volunteers to look at
a very ill James. The abortionist tells Lt. Ryan that James will have
to wait for the poison to leave his system because to induce vomiting
will kill him (he then has a hearty laugh at James' expense). Lucy
goes to visit her father at his home, only to discover he has died.
As Lucy is sitting on the stairs of the mansion (the very same place
James and Sarah made love in the beginning of the film), she hears
her father's ghostly voice and the mansion explodes (Talk about
retribution!). James (who has black gunk dribbling out of his mouth)
dies in his straw-strewn prison cell, his last words being
"Forgive me.", as the abortionist wails away in the next
cell. It seems that sometimes being alive is much worse than death
itself (but don't tell Catholics that!). This is a tidy little
supernatural tale that does manage to send some shivers up and down
your spine. Michael York (THE OMEGA CODE
- 1999) is fantastic as the tortured soul who believes that he is
being haunted from beyond the grave when, in fact, it is simply an
act of living revenge. I believe it is some of the best acting he has
done in any film he has appeared in. I can honestly say I wasn't
surprised by the ending because the death of Lucy is tossed off as an
aside and we never see her body or funeral, just the letter Professor
Ambrose finds on the fireplace mantle. This is one of two of Roger
Corman's Ireland-filmed movies to take place in the United States
because Mitch Marcus finished the last film early, so Marcus and
co-screenwriter Lev L. Spiro (using the pseudonym "L.L.
Shapira", who wrote the screenplay to Corman's non-supernatural
Ireland-lensed THE GAME OF DEATH
[2000], an adaptation of Robert Lewis Stevenson's "The Suicide
Club", who also directed the rather gory sci-fi comedy WELCOME
TO PLANET EARTH [1997] and plenty of A-List TV series)
whipped up a quick script and filmed this one in less than two weeks
(using much of the gore and nudity shots from previous Corman films,
like the one I mentioned above). Like the other three
previously-mentioned made-in-Ireland haunted house films, these are
rather good Corman productions and better than most of Corman's
output during that time (All four films use the same mansion in
County Galway, Ireland). It could be because of the beautiful Irish
scenery (this is the only one of the four that is a period film), but
it is Michael York that makes this film worth watching. THE
HAUNTING OF HELL HOUSE is only available on DVD in
fullscreen, so some company like Code Red should pick-up all of
Corman's Ireland films and release them in widescreen. They are all
well-made films that would benefit even more if they were shown in
their original aspect ratio. They may be B-Films, but they are highly
enjoyable and good for a few scares. Also starring Brian Glanney,
Ciaran Davies, Colm Lydon, Daniel Rosen, Fred McCluskey, Maeve
O'Regan and director Marcus as a Professor towards the end of the
film. A New Concorde VHS & DVD Release. Rated R.
HAUNTS (1975)
- Ingrid (May Britt, who used to be married to Sammy Davis Jr.)
is being stalked by a mysterious maniac wearing a black ski mask and
gloves. The killer has already struck once, raping and killing a
local girl by cutting her up with a pair of scissors. Her Uncle Carl (Cameron
Mitchell) has a hard time believing Ingrid since she has a history
of accusing men of rape since she was sexually abused as a little
girl. Even the alcoholic Sheriff (Aldo Ray) has his doubts about her
claims. More women end up getting murdered by the scissor-weilding
psycho, with one of the bodies being dumped at Ingrid's farm, left as
chicken food for the chickens. The list of suspects is large: Frankie
(William Gray Espy), the local delivery boy who's a real horndog;
Uncle Carl, whose appearance in town coincides with the murders; Bill
Spry (Robert Hippard), the new guy in town who happens to be in
Ingrid's church choir; the Sheriff, who takes his time in coming to
Ingrid's rescue; and Ingrid herself, who cannot stand the touch of a
man and who's religious convictions are on the obsessive side. Are
Ingrid's attacks real or in her imagination? Was she raped by Frankie
while she was taking a shower or was that a fantasy? When Bill Spry
is shot dead after trying to rape a girl, everyone in the town,
except Ingrid, thinks the killer has been silenced. She kills Frankie
after he tries to rape her again and Uncle Carl buries him in the
back yard. Or did she and does he? It turns out Ingrid is a total
loon as Frankie is alive, the police find her favorite goat buried in
the back yard and her Uncle Carl has never lived with her. She
commits suicide by slitting her wrists in the bathtub, the same thing
her mother did years before. An autopsy reveals that Ingrid died a
virgin and all of the memories that she had of being sexually abused
as a child were all in her head. When Uncle Carl comes to town to
claim the body, he tells the Sheriff Ingrid's sad history. Flashbacks
at the end reveal that Uncle Carl is not an innocent party in
Ingrid's life. Director Herb Freed, who also made the horror films BEYOND
EVIL - 1980, GRADUATION DAY
- 1981 and SURVIVAL GAME
- 1987 (who quit filmmaking in the early-2000's to return to his
first profession as a rabbi!), moves this film at a leisurely pace
and most fans of horror will find that it moves far too slow. As a
study of an unstable mind and the things it takes to trigger the
insanity, it hit its' mark. As a horror film, it doesn't get too
bloody and, as I have mentioned before, it crawls at a snail's pace.
You make up your mind if you want to see it. A Media
Home Entertainment VHS Release, with a budget VHS release by Video
Treasures a few years later. Rated R.
HAYRIDE
(2013) - In Mobile, Alabama (filmed on location), the police
surround an abandoned building. When the S.W.A.T. team enters, they
find the rotting remains of six young girls, their bodies so badly
decomposed, it will take a coroner to identify them. A serial killer
named Guffin (Shannon Box) is chasing girl #7 in the adjoining woods
and he kills her before the police arrest him. He's a brooding,
overweight man whose stare could melt ice. The last time we see him
(for the moment), he is in the back of a police car being transported
to a penitentiary. We then see a young couple, Steven (Jeremy D. Ivy)
and Amanda (Sherri Eakin; EARTHRISE
- 2014) at a barbecue joint talking about making the long ride to
participate in Steven's Uncle Morgan's (Richard Tyson; FLIGHT
OF THE LIVING DEAD: OUTBREAK ON A PLANE - 2006; a character
actor I have admired since the 1980's) annual Halloween Hayride,
where characters such as "Pitchfork" and "Rawhead
Bloodybones" run out of the darkness and scare the crap out of
the people on the hayride. There is also a stop in the middle of the
ride, where all the paying
customers take a scary tour through a terror-filled barn. We are then
at a crime scene on the side of the road, where there is a dead
police officer in his car, an unknown male dead in the bushes nearby
and Guffin, the serial killer, has escaped. Detective Loomis
(Corlandos Scott; his screen name is probably a tribute to Donald
Pleasence in HALLOWEEN -
1978), the lead detective on the case, says no one really knows
Guffin, except he is "bat-shit crazy" and his next move
would be to find clothes so he can discard his bright orange
jumpsuit. Since neither of the two dead men are Guffin's large size,
chances are he will be traveling to the nearest farm to try and find
clothing. It looks like if they don't catch this murderous bastard,
there just may be a new Pitchfork for the Hayride this year (You may
think you know what is going to happen, but most of you would be
wrong). Steven takes Amanda to meet Uncle Morgan, but first Steven
runs into cousin Corey (Jeremy Sande; UNIVERSAL
SOLDIER: DAY OF RECKONING - 2012), who is glad to see Steven
back in town, but they always make fun of each other (Corey gets the
last licks in by calling Steven a "dick" and then driving
off in his truck). Uncle Morgan is a womanizing letch (he has two
women with him; one called "Beautiful" [Kara Riann Brown]
and one called "Dumb" [Kelly Houk]), but he is also a very
good guy who cares about the quality of the Halloween Hayride to make
sure that people get their money's worth (He jokingly hits on Amanda,
but pulls Steven aside and tells him not to let this one go. She
seems like a keeper. Steven agrees.). A short distance away, Guffin
steals some rope from the back of a truck and kills the driver
(off-screen) with a sledgehammer. Around a campfire that night,
Steven asks Uncle Morgan who is playing Pitchfork this year (Morgan
retired "Rawhead Bloodybones" from the hayride when his
grandfather passed away, since he was the one who created and played
him), but since Steven is just a paying customer this year (but he is
still family and helps all he can before the hayride commences),
Morgan won't tell him. Morgan relays a story to everyone (in a really
bad flashback technique) that Pitchfork was once an actual person. He
was a farmer named R.W. Rayborn (Wayne Dean), who always carried a
pitchfork with him whenever his beautiful daughter was with him to
keep all the young men away from her. Morgan believes Pitchfork
murdered his wife (with a meat cleaver) for letting his daughter run
away with a young man. Since Pitchfork doesn't know who the young man
is, he goes from farm to farm killing everyone in his path, both man
and woman, leaving a trail of dead bodies in his wake. Morgan
believes that Pitchfork never found his daughter or the young man and
then Corey comes jumping out of the darkness carrying a pitchfork,
scaring the shit out of everyone around the campfire. Morgan says
that the story of Pitchfork is still true. The night before the
Halloween Hayride, it rains like hell, destroying a lot of the props
outside, but Morgan is an optimist and his unending drive to rebuild
everything is infectious, so everyone (including Amanda) chips in to
restore the hayride's attractions to their former state. Two police
officers are doing a house-to-house search for Guffin and they check
out an abandoned house, only to be run through and chopped-up with a
machete by someone dressed like Pitchfork. The Halloween Hayride
begins and Morgan only has one rule: Make the first couple of rides
children-friendly so they don't go home scared shitless (this man
really cares about his customers), but go balls-to-the-wall on all
the rides after that. But I highly doubt that Morgan meant that in
the literal sense. Pretty soon, Pitchfork is using his favorite
weapon to start dispatching some of the hayride riders. Detective
Loomis and Deputy Wincer (Randy Hicks) show up at the hayride and
Wincer tells Loomis that the legend of Pitchfork is real (most
legends are based on true events that are over-amplified, except this
one). By the time they get to the hayride, half of the workers left
or are dead and a S.W.A.T. team finds the remains of the two police
officers in the abandoned house, so Loomis and Wincer go there. As
more and more people end up dead (and hidden), Morgan wants to put on
the last hayride for the night, but he is short-handed, so Amanda
volunteers to portray the victim that gets pulled off the cart by the
resident psycho. By now, Pitchfork is killing people out in the open,
because the audience (many of them drunk) think that it is part of
the show. When Steven accidentally knocks himself out in the woods
and comes to, he discovers a dead body and races to save Amanda on
the hayride. Pitchfork plants an axe in the skull of a Jason Voorhees-wannabe
and then attacks everyone on the hayride with a chainsaw (and
killing a few), Morgan intervenes and tries to keep Pitchfork busy
with a machete. It doesn't last long, as Pitchfork thrusts the
chainsaw into Morgan's body and kidnaps Amanda (it will make sense in
a little while). A couple of days earlier, Morgan complained that
someone stole all his bear traps and we now see them in use, as the
survivors of the hayride run into the woods and have their legs
caught in bear traps or killed with other booby-traps. Steven makes
it to the hayride a little too late, where he finds his Uncle Morgan
dead and severed body parts littering the hayride carts, so he grabs
a machete and goes out to save Amanda and get a little payback, to
boot. He finds Amanda tied-up in the Terror Barn, the hayride's
midway-through walk-through horror maze, and gets into a fight with
Pitchfork. Both an untied Amanda and Steven are still trapped in the
barn's maze (Pitchfork sees a fake arm come out of a wall to scare
customers, pulls it out and throws it to the floor). Pitchfork runs
his favorite weapon through one of Steven's hands, but Steven manages
to get away and runs outside. Amanda is now being chased by
Pitchfork, but he is impaled in the stomach by a broken handle of a
pitchfork sticking out of the ground. He pulls himself off the handle
and moves closer and closer to Steven and Amanda, but he falls to the
ground just before he gets to them. Amanda then tells
Steven
she is pregnant (Really? This is the right time to make such an
announcement?) and Corey comes jumping out of the darkness telling
the couple that everyone is dead (a little late bonehead!). Detective
Loomis, Deputy Wincer and the police force finally show up, where at
least a dozen people are dead and dozens injured (Thankfully, bear
traps don't kill unless you fall face-first into one of them). When
Loomis and Wincer pull the burlap bag off of Pitchfork's face, it
turns out to be R.W. Rayborn (Who we see in flashback kill serial
killer Guffin for being in his barn. Imagine that; a serial killer
being killed by another serial killer.). Wincer asks Loomis, "Is
he dead?" to which Loomis replies, "No!" (Amanda
reminded Rayborn of his daughter). Start the end credits, but stick
through to the end for two small stingers which sets up the basis for
the 2015 sequel HAYRIDE 2,
which contains some of the same characters in this film (Steven,
Amanda, Corey, Detective Loomis, Pitchfork, all played by the same
actors here and made by the same director/screenwriter) and borrows a
lot of footage from this film (which is why Richard Tyson is listed
as being in the cast). Only this time Pitchfork is a bigot, too (look
for clues in this film when the two police officers check out the
abandoned house) This is enjoyable for what it is, but totally
predictable, especially to fans of slasher films. I guessed that
Guffin wasn't Pitchfork halfway through the film and most slasher
fanatics probably did, too. The always dependable Richard Tyson (THE
BLACK WATERS OF ECHO'S POND - 2009) throws himself into the
role even though it is obvious this was a low-budget film that was
going directly to DVD and streaming. He's a dog in this film when it
comes to women, but family is his top priority, proving so by paying
tribute to his grandfather by taking "Rawhead Bloodybones"
out of the hayride because his grandfather portrayed him. This is
director/producer/screenwriter Terron R. Parsons' first full-length
film and the sequel is his second. While this film gets generally
favorable reviews (Hint: Never read the reviews on IMDb because you
will probably not watch any film, ever), the sequel doesn't fare too
well because too much footage from this film is cribbed. You can tell
most of the actors are local, because they have that Alabama twang
which just sounds like poetry to people like myself and makes the
film more realistic. Besides the awful flashback technique used to
tell Pitchfork's origin, the technical aspects are good. So just put
your brain in neutral and go along for the bloody hayride. Oh yes,
there will be blood! Also starring Josh Nelson, Jessica Blevins,
Mitch Bryars Jr., Dustin Hicks, Brandon Wright, Tiffany Parsons
Rezner, Pam Kelly, Christopher Howell and Armand J. Cambell Jr. &
Mark Tunstell as the two unfortunate machete cops. A Midnight
Releasing DVD Release. Not Rated.
HAZARD
JACK (2013) - In slasher films,
there is usually no boundary that you can't cross, but I take
exception to this one because the villain is a returning soldier from
Afghanistan suffering from PTSD. I know our government and the
Veterans Administration treat many of our returning soldiers with
emotional problems or war-caused brain damage as disposable goods
(which is why we have private charities like the Wounded Warrior
Project, of which I am a proud member), but to make one a ruthless
killer for the sake of showing some "social relevance" is a
slap in the face to every soldier that returned home after putting
their lives on the line for our safety. It's just
irresponsible. I consider HAZARD JACK
the filmic equivalent of the Veterans Administration. In other words,
it pretends to care about soldiers coming home emotionally scarred,
but all it really does is exploit them. The film begins with our
faceless killer (he wears a hard hat with a tinted plastic visor over
his face or the camera makes sure that his face is not shown
(probably because he was played by two muscular stuntmen, Quincy
Taylor and Will Harris) torturing a girl at the decade-abandoned
Railroad Hospital, her screams heard by a neighbor who calls the
security dispatcher to report it. He sends a guard to go check out
the hospital, but Jack ends up running a drill bit through his head
with a portable drill (at least I think it was his head since he dies
so quickly). After the opening credits (which are full of Jack's
nightmarish visions of being in Afghanistan and losing his girlfriend
back home), Jack is called into the office of his boss (Joe Orrach),
who runs a construction company, and he chastizes Jack for his
violent outbursts while paying him lip service about appreciating him
serving our country (The boss says, "My son has done two tours
himself!", but he has no idea what psychological damage that war
has done to many soldiers). While the boss is talking, all we see is
Jack's hand clenching tighter and tighter, because he knows what is
about to come. He fires Jack (he calls him "James") on the
spot and denotes that old standby since 9-11: Zero Tolerance. The
idiotic boss tells Jack that he needs to get some help (without a job
or health insurance?) and stupidly extends his hand like Jack would
shake it (Would you?). Jack leaves the office before he does
something stupid. We are then introduced to a group of obnoxious
college students (Wait until you get a gander of the oversized
eyeglasses dyke Stella [Alison Lani] wears. She couldn't be more of a
charicature if she tried!), as they plan on using the abandoned
Railroad Hospital as the site of their annual paintball "Capture
The Flag" wargame. Randall (Josh Jacques) says, "We don't
go looking for trouble!", while his best friend Kyle (Zachary
Meyer) finishes, "But it always seems to find us!" I don't
think they will be equipped to handle the trouble they will soon walk
into. Of course, the good girl, Bridget (Amanda Maddox), has a secret
she is harboring from boyfriend Dillon (Macauley Gray) and she is the
spitting image of the girl who dumped Jack (How's that for the king
of coincidences?). When Jack sees Bridget entering the hospital, he
loses it and drags another unknown girl by her leg while she screams
bloody murder. He takes her into a basement room and impales her
stomach with a jackhammer (as blood and gore splatters against the
wall and the camera lens). Our partying group doesn't hear a thing (I
mean a loud jackhammer? C'mon now!). Before these stupid college kids
start their wargame, they get drunk, high, have sex and Randall &
Kyle play a game of strip paintball with bimbos Muffy (Ashley Walsh)
and Barbie (Deanna Meske), where the girls show off their silicon
boob jobs and the guys show their naked asses (something for
everyone). As Jack has some more Afghanistan flashbacks, he chops his
latest female victim into pieces with a meat cleaver (off-screen). To
add cliché after cliché, cell phones don't work in the
abandoned hospital, so some of the students go exploring the dark
hallways with flashlights, where nerd Earl (Kevin Sporman) and Dillon
are nearly killed by Jack, but don't even know it. All the college
kids gather together and pick sides for the two teams and plan on
starting their wargame at Midnight (They don't even wear protective
gear like a vest or goggles. Anyone who has played paintball knows
that if you get hit in an unprotected area, it stings like a
motherfucker and leaves a nasty welt.). Bridget, who has been moody
since she arrived at the hospital, finally tells Dillon that she is
pregnant, but instead of breaking up with her (like she thought he
would), he is overjoyed and tells her that they will make great
parents. Before you can say "Jack be nimble, Jack be
quick.", our killer decapitates both Randall and Muffy with a
meat cleaver while they are having sex (This is the first sight of
actual physical gore, as the headless bodies still thrust away at
each other!) and Jack walks away with their heads in his hands. Jack
then uses a nailgun to pin Kyle's hands to a wall before he delivers
a nail right between his eyes and he drags a screaming Barbie away.
The rest of the college kids hear her screams and, instead of staying
together while they investigate, they break off into groups of two
(just like every other stupid slasher film). It turns out that Stella
is not a dyke at all, as she makes love to nerd Earl. Amateur
filmmaker LaDanian (Jason O'Neil Hudson) is the next victim, as Jack
runs a drillbit through a door and it impales LaDanian's back and
comes out his stomach. The pregnant Bridget leaves a sleeping Dillon
and does some investigating herself, where she sees a pack of rats
feeding on what looks like the remains of a cat and then a
dismembered human hand lying on the floor. She screams and tries to
go running back to Dillon. Gay couple Ricky (David Rivera) and Mendel
(Jeremy Ebenstein) run into Jack, who throws Barbie's decapitated
head at them and then throws an axe, which lands in the middle of
Mendel's face (a really nasty scene). Briget can't find Dillon, but
Jack finds her, knocking her out. In a WTF?!? moment, we then see
Bridget running away from Jack (I got the feeling that the filmmakers
forget to film a scene explaining how she was knocked out and then is
shown running away). She hides in a hole in a wall, but Jack finds
her and ties her to a boiler pipe in the basement. She calls Jack a
"coward" and dares him to take off his helmet, but all he
does is lift his visor a little to show us his chin and mouth, and he
walks away without touching her (I was hoping that Bridget was
actually the girl that dumped Jack when he returned from Afghanistan,
but this film doesn't have those lofty ambitions). Ricky makes it to
the hospital's chapel and starts to pray, only for Jack to appear and
burn him to a crisp with a flame-thrower (In the immortal words of
the despicable late Fred Phelps and his Westboro Church: "God
hates fags."). Dillon, Earl and Stella finally wake up from
their naps (the fact that they were sleeping at all is beyond belief)
and go searching for the missing Bridget, paintguns in hand as if
those weapons will stop the menace. Earl and Stella make it outside,
only to discover all the cars had the wires pulled from under the
hood and the main gate is padlocked. They are trapped in the hospital
or, as Earl says, "It's too late. We are trapped in our own
game!" (or, they could have acted like normal human beings by
climbing the fence and alerting the proper authorities). Dillon goes
out looking on his own (not one slasher film cliché is
overlooked) and finds a room full of his friends' decapitated heads
(It's obvious that holes were cut in cardboard boxes for the actors
to stick their heads through. Hell, if you look close enough, you
will see some of the heads move!). Dillon finds Bridget tied to a
table (after we are earlier led to believe that she was escaping her
bonds in the boiler room), but Jack comes after him with a portable
circular saw after his drill's battery runs out of juice. After
cutting Dillon a couple of times with the saw, Earl and Stella enter
the room and push Jack into some acetylene cylinders with a metal
cart. His saw causes a spark which sets off the tanks and an
explosion occurs (cue the CGI explosion!). They all save Bridget and
Dillon fixes one of the cars. They crash through the gate, but like
all lousy slasher flicks, we see Jack crawl out of the smoke-filled
room to walk the streets once again, hoping this film will be
successful enough for a sequel (God, I hope not!). The closing
credits try to keeps this awful film socially relevant by showing the
homeless living on the streets (while some sappy ballad plays on the
soundtrack) and then give us
an
on-screen definition of PTSD, which insults soldiers who suffer from
it like no other film I have ever seen. Have they no shame? It
should come as no surprise that this film was directed and co-written
by David Worth, who was cinematographer on the classic sleaze film POOR
PRETTY EDDIE (1973) and then in 1978 re-edited the film,
taking out all the sex and violence, replacing it with outtakes,
giving Eddie a happy ending and calling it HEARTBREAK
MOTEL (The VHS cover art even had the audacity to show
Shelly Winters holding Eddie's shotgunned body, even though that
scene is nowhere to be found in this version!). Worth also directed
the post-nuke film WARRIOR
OF THE LOST WORLD (1983; best known for the talking
motorcycle that says such things as "Bad mothers!",
"Whoopie!" and "Dickheads! Dickheads!"), the
Jean-Claude Van Damme-starrer KICKBOXER
(1989), the Cynthia Rothrock action films LADY
DRAGON (1992) and LADY
DRAGON 2 (1993), THE
PROPHET'S GAME (2000), SHARK
ATTACK 2 (2000), SHARK
ATTACK 3: MEGALODON (2002; with one of the funniest
improvised lines of dialogue in a horror film) and many many more.
While there is plenty of nudity, simulated sex (lots of oral sex for
some reason) and bloody gore, this is the type of slasher film that
no matter how fast a victim runs away, the lumbering killer always
catches up and dispatches them. This is like hundreds of DTV slasher
films, except for making the main protagonist a soldier who returned
home after serving his country a broken man. That premise just left a
bad taste in my mouth and if you know someone that served in the
military, it's bound to leave a bad taste in your mouth, too. Besides
the usual cast of clichéd characters (the nerd, the lesbian,
the gay couple, the bimbo airheads, the muscleheads, the amateur
filmmaker who name-drops other horror films and his horny girlfriend,
and the good girl and guy), there are some interesting kills in the
film (especially the two headless corpses still having sex), most of
them using practical effects, and the cast, for the most part, does
the best they can with their underwritten characters. There are
plenty of plot holes in the film (especially Bridget being knocked
out and then being seen running away), which would account for the
film's short 81 minute running time. David Worth was also
cinematographer here (although in the end credits, it lists "Mark
Lester" [not that Mark Lester] as Director of Photography),
which accounts for the film looking so good (he shot the Clint
Eastwood film ANY WHICH
WAY YOU CAN - 1980) and he also directed and photographed
porn films under the pseudonym "Sven Conrad". Producer
Sheldon Silverstein also produced and co-wrote the Halloween-themed
slasher film THE PUMPKIN KARVER
(2006). This is the usual bloody slasher film with an undesirable
premise. Also starring Aimee Bello as LaDanian's girlfriend Lana (who
shows her breasts as much as possible; she is killed off-screen, just
like Barbie), Coco Walker, Shaun Hart, Matthew Plueger and Eden
James. A Horizons Movies DVD Release (which is a sublabel distributed
by Kino Lorber). Not Rated.
HAZMAT
(2013) - When I discovered that director/producer/screenwriter
Lou Simon (THE AWAKENED -
2012; AGORAPHOBIA - 2015)
was actually a woman, truth be told, I was taken aback a little bit.
Not because this is a bad film, but because there is not one bit of
feminism in this slasher film. As a matter of fact, two of the main
actresses' characters are real pain in the asses. The film opens with
two young women trapped in a hotel with a psycho chasing them. One of
the girls stabs the psycho and he shoots her dead. The psycho points
the gun at the other woman and says, "Are you scared?". It
all turns out to be a prank played by the dead girl on the living one
on a TV show called "Scary Antics" hosted by David (Todd
Bruno), also known as "Scary Dave" and their regular psycho
player is Tim (Mario Nalini). The show is in trouble of getting
cancelled if the ratings don't improve, so David makes the pranks
being pulled meaner and meaner, which upsets makeup
person/special effects artist Brenda (Aneila McGuinness), who also
happens to be in love with David. Their next episode is set up by
Adam (Reggie Peters). His friend Jacob (Norbert Velez) is getting
weirder and weirder, so much so, that his nickname is now "Creepy
Jacob", so David wants to shock him back into reality. Also in
on the joke are Carla (Daniela Larez) and Melanie (Gema Galero), who
are really doing this for the TV exposure, hoping to turn their
appearances into show business jobs (How many real-life reality stars
have done the same thing and failed miserably? Some even committing
suicide because their dreams didn't come true?). Adam picks an old
warehouse, where there was a deadly fire years ago that killed many
people and now it is said to be haunted, but it seems Jacob knows
everything about it because his father worked there (More on that
later.). Something tells me that this practical joke is going to go
very, very wrong, especially since most psychiatrists would diagnose
Jacob as being emotionally unhinged. The foursome enter the warehouse
after David and his crew have set up the internet and hidden cameras
(their budget is so low, they are only able to rig the front half of
the warehouse, so everything in the back of the warehouse is not
covered) and Jacob heads directly for the office, which is the
Control Room for David and his team. The walls are thick and a big
metal bar slides across the metal door, so it is impossible to get in
unless you are let in. If Jacob were strong enough to break down that
door, the joke would be blown and the episode scrapped, which would
mean certain cancellation, so Adam talks him out of it and they all
go exploring. Jacob use to spend a lot of time at the warehouse when
he was a kid, so he and Adam go off together, while the two girls are
left on their own. Jacob tells Adam that his late father once worked
here and he believed the place was haunted. Jacob says his father
once saw a man's skin dissolve off his body, but when the police
arrived, the man was dead, but he had all his skin (Is it possible
that Jacob's father was a murderer?). Adam is disgusted by the story
and tells Jacob that he is losing touch with reality before he walks
away. Jacob finds a white hazmat suit in a locker and puts it on,
which scares the hell out of Adam. You see, Tim is supposed to appear
in the very same type of hazmat suit and "kill" Adam. Tim
puts on the suit and Adam screams (part of the joke). When Jacob and
the two girls find Adam, he is bloody and "dead" (also part
of the joke). Jacob and the two girls run in different directions
and, so far, the practical joke is going perfectly. Both girls scream
in different directions, leaving Jacob to decide which way to go
(again, still part of the joke). Tim comes behind Jacob in his white
hazmat suit and gets a fire axe planted in his stomach (definitely
not part of the joke). David and his crew witness the whole thing
from the Control Room and Jacob disappears from the hidden cameras by
going to the back of the warehouse. Adam and the two girls have no
idea what is going on, so David leaves the Control Room to warn them
and to also tell Jacob that this was all a practical joke. It seems
Jacob has picked up some of his dead father's bad habits, though, as
he kills Adam with the axe to his stomach when he sees he's really
alive. Everyone in the Control Room know that everything that happens
is now their fault. Jacob, dressed in a bloody white hazmat suit and
gasmask, begins destroying all the cameras he can see, which limits
what the Control Room can see (Steven [Tom Stedman] says, "I
think he knows he's on the show!"). David finds Adam's dead body
and is nearly killed by Jacob, but he ducks Jacob's axe swing and
barely makes it back to the safety of the Control Room. One of their
technicians, Gary (Geordan Deaz), is still outside the Control Room,
so David tries to radio him to call the police, but the thick walls
and metal door garbles the transmission and Gary makes it to the
Control Room (Of course, David made everyone leave their cell phones
in the van so there would not be any interruptions). Carla and
Melanie discover Tim's dead body and realize the joke is over (but
only after kicking his dead body a few times!). Jacob appears behind
them and plants the axe in Carla's back, as Melanie runs towards the
Control Room. David doesn't want to let her in, but level-headed
Brenda opens the door and lets her in just in time. Ed (Dennis
Spain), one of the show's techs, returns to the warehouse to pick up
the equipment (the show should have been long over), but Jacob pulls
him into the building and chops off one of his arms. Ed and Jacob
appear at the Control Room door and Ed says Jacob will kill him in 30
seconds if they don't let him in. Needless to say, Ed ends up with an
axe blade implanted in his stomach. David and Steven sneak out of the
Control Room to find the back door (the map is on Tim's dead body),
but Jacob finds them and Steven ends
up
with the axe planted in his skull. David tells Brenda (via helmet
camera) that he loves her and he makes it to the back door, only to
be pulled back in by Jacob and we see David's decapitated head fall
to the ground. Jacob kicks David's head back into the warehouse and
closes the back door. The last three left, Brenda, Gary and Melinda,
leave the safety of the Control Room to get out the front door, but
Jacob has made it impossible to open. They head back to the Control
Room and find another exit on the map. Brenda leaves to see if it is
open. Alas, it isn't, so Jacob chases her back to the Control Room,
only they aren't able to close the door in time and Jacob gets in. He
impales one of Gary's eyes with the pointy end of the fire axe, while
Brenda and Melanie run for their lives. Melanie is killed when she
has one of her arms cut off while holding hands with Brenda as they
are running away and Brenda is choked and lifted off the ground by
her neck while Jacob reaches for the axe, which is propped against a
wall. The axe falls to the ground and Brenda is able to break free.
She is able to make it to the door and outside, but then she is
pulled back in and the film ends with the screen turning red. I
could have thought of a better ending with my eyes closed (How about
the whole thing was a huge practical joke on Brenda for wanting to
leave the network?), but director Lou Simon apparently ran out of
ideas with her screenplay (my suggestion would have worked perfectly)
and gave us the cop-out ending, leaving it wide open for a sequel,
but for a slasher film (also known as HAZARD),
it's not that bad. It's a mixture of "found footage" and
normal filmmaking, but since all the cameras are basically
stationary, it didn't hurt the story (it still had that sickly green
night-vision that I hate with a passion). This is slightly
above-average for a slasher film, but would have been so much better
if Jacob used various weapons, not just an axe. While there is
extreme gore on view, some of it goes by so fast that you have to
pause the disc (or your streaming service) to see it better. I get
the feeling that Ms. Simon was trying to create a new horror icon
here and it would have worked if we didn't see his normal human face
and if he had above-average powers (although he did a good job
lifting Brenda in the air by her throat). It's apparent that Jacob
has a few screws loose, but there's nothing here that puts him in the
same class as Michael, Jason or Freddy. It works perfectly as a
slasher film (using a reality show as a backdrop is old hat by now,
though) and it would be interesting to see what direction it would
take in a sequel, but give him more than an axe to work with the next
time. All technical levels of the film are above-average and so is
the acting by a cast of relative unknowns, but it could have been
much, much better if Jacob was given more to work with besides an
axe. Everyone is talking about the Soska Sisters, but this film is
better than most of their films. People should start talking about
Lou Simon. Made in Miami, Florida. Also featuring Brandi Rudicil and
Massiel Checo as the two women in the beginning of the film. An Uncork'd
Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated.
HEARTSTOPPER
(2006) - More Canadian Tax Credit DTV horror crap. Satanic serial
killer Jonathan Chambers (James Binkley) is executed in the electric
chair and his death is witnessed by Sheriff Berger (Robert Englund,
the crowned king of DTV crud), who captured him, and Dr. Hitchens
(Michael Cram), whose interest in serial killers goes way beyond what
we would consider professional. It's apparent that Chambers'
execution is also anything but professional, as the electric chair is
struck by lightning (!) and Chambers' face is horribly burned. While
Sheriff Berger and Dr. Hitchens are transporting Chambers' body to
the local hospital for an autopsy, they hit suicidal teen Sara Wexler
(Meredith Henderson), who is sitting in the middle of the road with
her back turned to traffic (she's despondent over her fellow students
calling her "Slut"!). They put the injured Sara into the
same ambulance as Chambers' corpse (really?) and she witnesses his hands
move, but she can't get anyone to believe her, including her
insensitive mother (Lori Hallier), who seems more disturbed about
driving to the hospital during a raging thunderstorm than her
daughter's condition (She's a bitch with a capital "C").
While Dr. Hitchens is performing an autopsy on Chambers, he notices a
cyst over Chambers' eye that is oozing yellow puss, so he takes a
sample for analysis. Unfortunately, Dr. Hitchens will never get the
chance, because Chambers comes to life and rips-out the good doctor's
heart with his bare hands (his signature move when he was alive).
Chambers then stalks the hospital looking for Sara (they have some
as-yet unknown bond), killing everyone else who he comes in contact
with, including Sara's mother (he sets her face on fire with a
cigarette lighter in a laughable CGI effect), Sheriff Berger (who is
shocked with a defibrillator, followed by a manual heart removal) and
an entire E.R. room full of staff, patients and visitors. Sara, along
with fellow student Walter (Nathan Stephenson) and Nurse Grafton
(Laura De Carteret), spend the rest of the film trying to avoid
Chambers, as the hospital is running on emergency power, the phone
lines are down and all the roads are flooded due to the storm. Need I
say more? This ridiculously cheap horror film, directed by Bob
Keen (TO CATCH A YETI -
1994; PROTEUS -
1995), who is better known for his effects work than his directorial
skills, is a stereotypical stalk 'n' slash horror flick that delivers
some decent unrated gore effects (various heart-rippings; a patient
having his chest ripped open until his ribs and internal organs are
exposed; a scalpel in the eye; a face slashing), but the storyline
(screenplay by Vlady Pildysh and Warren P. Sonoda) is generic to the
point of being tiresome. The majority of the film is Sara running
through the hospital corridors, while Chambers, who may be possessed
by the Devil himself (or "Dark Lord" as Chambers calls
him), tries to capture her and take over her body (who better than a
suicidal teen, right?). This is the type of film where the villain
spouts sarcastic remarks while dispatching his victims and everyone
else does the most illogical things possible at the most inopportune
times just to advance the plot. Most annoying is Nurse Grafton, who
at first is understanding and kind to Sara when she is first
admitted, but once the shit starts to hit the fan, she turns into a
quivering jackass who tells Walter that Sara has "abandoned
them" when she is actually risking her life to find blood so she
can give Walter a much-needed transfusion. Nothing here makes very
much sense and the film just plods along to its inevitable crappy
conclusion (ready-made for a sequel). HEARTSTOPPER
is the kind of DTV horror dreck that offers nothing new to the genre.
No surprises, no suspense and no imagination. Aviod it unless you are
just interested in gore. Also starring Scott Gibson, Ted Ludzik, John
Bayliss and Wayne Flemming. An Anchor
Bay Entertainment DVD Release. Available in R-Rated and Not
Rated versions.
If you must watch this, need I tell you which version you should pick?
HEEBIE
JEEBIES (2012) -
Ridiculously horrible creature feature which made its premiere on the
SyFy Network (but is not one of their Original Films, even though the
streaming print that I viewed on my Roku 3 streaming player has
fade-outs to show where commercial breaks should be inserted) that
asks more questions than it answers and has the most
horrendously-rendered CGI monster I can ever recall seeing. The story
is simple: Gold-loving Billy Butler (an over-acting Michael
Badalucco; SUMMER OF SAM
- 1999) re-opens his ancestor William Butler's gold mine, where in
1840, five Chinese slave labor workers died in a cave-in. A Chinese
witch created a "Five Heads Beast" (one head for each of
the dead cave-in victims) that haunts the mines, killing anyone who
dares look for gold. Back in the modern day, two men sneak into the
mine looking for gold, only to set free the lumbering beast, which
has fives heads, eats gold, has a stomach full of sharp teeth, emits
a paralyzing gas so it can kill its victims easier (usually by
turning their heads 360 degrees and ripping the flesh from their
faces) and bleeds gold when it is injured! When the creature begins
killing the town's citizens, police officer Todd Crane (Robert
Belushi, the son of James Belushi
and nephew of the late Jim Belushi), who suffers severe headaches
and panic attacks whenever he is put in a stressful situation (Which
brings up the film's biggest unanswered question: Why would he become
a police officer when it is one of the world's most stressful jobs?),
Sheriff Tatum (Carl Savering) and town coroner Teresa Lim (Cathy
Shim), who is helping Todd cope with his condition using ancient
Chinese methods, try to find out just who or what is committing these
brutal killings. The first to be killed (after the two illegal
miners) is Federal Mine Inspector Eve Moore (Jennifer Rubin; BAD
DREAMS - 1988, who is given second billing, but is in the
film for less than five minutes), who takes a bribe in gold from
Billy Butler to look the other way because he is illegally using
explosives, crashes her SUV when she spots the creature and is then
killed by the creature, who eats all her ill-gotten gold just before
her car blows up (more bad CGI). Todd's sister Veronica (Evie
Thompson), her boyfriend (and Sheriff Tatum's son) Mace (Dave Davis),
best friend (and Teresa's sister; this is a small town) Tracey
(Olivia Ku) and her boyfriend Rick (Tyler Forrest) decide to sneak
out to the mine to spend a night drinking beer and having sex, even
though Todd tells Veronica to stay inside (He looks after her since
the death of their parents) and Tracey's Chinese-speaking mother Zu
Mu (Lucille Soong) forbids her to leave the house. The second to die
is crotchety old Agnes Whitehead (Marion Ross of HAPPY
DAYS [1974 - 1984], who is the best thing about this film),
who lets her dog outside to take a shit (She says to her dog,
"Pinch it off and come inside!", the comedy highlight of
the film) and is attacked by the creature, who kills her and then
steals the newly-installed gold fillings in her teeth! While Billy
Butler is making one of his many TV commercials (He's one of those
"Send me your gold for money" kind of guys), he witnesses
the entire commercial crew getting slaughtered by the creature, but
he is impervious to the creature's paralyzing gas. When he sees that
the creature bleeds gold, Billy comes up with a plan to capture, not
kill, it, because (as he explains to the Sheriff, who he has
handcuffed to the back seat of his own patrol car) "You don't
kill the goose who lays the golden eggs." Todd and Theresa try
to save Veronica, Tracey and their boyfriends when Zu Mu (who could
speak English all along) tells Todd the history of the mine, but the
Sheriff has already sent a party of hunters to track down the
creature and kill it. After the creature makes a hasty meal of the
hunters, Billy Butler kidnaps Theresa and brings her inside the mine
as bait for the creature. Will Todd get over his panic attacks in
time to save his love Theresa and the others? What the hell do you
think? This is just plain bad from the first minute.
Screenwriter Trent Haaga, who has acted in such films as TERROR
FIRMER (1999), DEADLY
STINGERS (2003), THE
GHOULS (2003) and SUTURES
(2009), as well as writing the screenplay to the far-superior DEADGIRL
(2008), probably wrote the entire plot of this film on the back of a
cocktail napkin, as it is full of stock characters and situations we
have seen in hundreds of horror films before it. Director Thomas L.
Callaway, a cinematographer by trade (his first film as photographer
was the ultra cheap slasher flick BITS
AND PIECES [1985] and then went on to film CREEPOZOIDS
[1987], DEMON WARRIOR
[1987], ACTION U.S.A.
[1988], NIGHT OF
THE SCARECROW [1995] and many others), doesn't help matters
any by making the film move slower than a snail walking across
molasses and the carnage, what there is of it, is mainly CGI blood
spewing across the screen while the camera shakes wildly (every once
in a while we do see practical effects like a human eyeball being
squeezed through a chain link fence), only showing us the results of
the creature's attacks after the fact (which is mainly bloody faces).
The creature itself is the main distraction, though. It's an
incredibly phoney-looking combination of mutated heads attached to a
body that couldn't possibly move as fast as it does on-screen. When
you watch it eating bars of gold, I dare you not to laugh. Do
yourself a favor and just take my word for it. There is no reason for
you to even bother watching this film unless you are a bad film
fanatic. Also starring Kim Collins, Ray Gaspard, H. Daniel Gross and
Jimmy Lee Jr. Not to be confused with the 2005
slasher film of the same name. A Sony
Pictures Home Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated.
HELLMASTER
(1990) - In 1969, a secret government project called the Nietzche
Experiment is being run at a private college by Dr. Jones (John
Saxon), where he has invented a superman drug that is supposed to
increase psychic abilities of anyone who is injected with it.
Unfortunately, it also caused many people to mutate and the many
college students injected with it died and Dr. Jones mysteriously
disappeared and the whole thing was covered up by the government.
Twenty years later, Professor Damon (Robert Dole) restarts the
experiments on a new batch of college students. One student, Shelly
O'Deane (Amy Raasch), begins to have visions of a mysterious man in
the campus chapel. That man is Robert (DAWN
OF THE DEAD's [1978] David Emge), a former TV reporter who
was covering a story about a mysterious man who was injecting
vagrants and street people with a drug called "The Reward",
causing them to become deformed and psychotic and all but four of
them died. That man turns out to be Dr. Jones (he's been perfecting
his serum in secret for the past 20 years) and ever since he injected
Robert's wife with the serum
to stop Robert from investigating further, he has devoted his life
to tracking down Dr. Jones and putting a stop to his experiment once
and for all. Robert has tracked him back to the college where it all
began. There's also another problem that has come to the college: The
four vagrants (which Dr. Jones has adopted as his "family")
that survived "The Reward" have arrived at the college in a
strange religious-themed school bus and begin killing the students,
teachers and workers, including Shelly's brother Adam (Todd Tesen), a
campus security guard. Pretty soon, the entire Jones clan, all
hideously deformed, begin stalking the campus, killing some people
and injecting others with the serum. Kelly and her best friend Jesse
(Jeff Rector), a disabled student, try to stay one step ahead of Dr.
Jones and his clan. Shelly's psychic abilities come in handy, but
they will need Robert's help, too. Armed with a crossbow that shoots
undiluted serum (which causes those already infected to dissolve into
a pile of goo), Robert works his way through the Jones family tree,
while Shelly and her friends try to beat a hasty retreat. It all ends
in the campus chapel, the same location where it ended in 1969, as
Shelly finds the secret underground tunnels beneath the chapel and
faces off with Dr. Jones, who wants Shelly to join his family because
of her strong psychic abilities. I'm still trying to make sense
of this totally confusing horror flick. This was supposedly taken out
of director/producer/scripter Douglas Schulze's (DARK
HEAVEN - 2002) control and re-edited into this version (a "Director's
Cut" was eventually released on DVD, which is almost 15
minutes shorter than this version). It's obvious that scenes have
been re-shuffled and shown out of order (probably to alleviate the
lagging pace), but all it does is increase the "Huh?"
factor, as you'll be scratching your head wondering what the hell is
going on. There are plenty of decent makeup effects, including face
meltings, impalements and the horrendous faces of the entire Jones
clan (Stooges guitarist Ron Asheton plays the nun, "Mama
Jones"), but the storyline makes very little sense and John
Saxon (in what amounts to an extended cameo) overacts terribly while
spouting some of the gamiest dialogue your ears will ever hear
("If I can make them, I can make God!"). My favorite line
comes from Jesse, when he is chastising a girl who has just seen her
boyfriend melt after having a drum of medical waste dumped on him.
When she refuses Jesse's advances, he says to her, "My handicap
was born. Yours was chosen!" Unbelievable! HELLMASTER
is 80% atmosphere (Schulze must be a big Dario Argento fan, as he
lights many scenes with bright neon color backgrounds), 20% horror
and 100% nonsensical. It's not a complete failure, though, but it
could have been so much better if some attention was paid to the
screenplay. Nathan J. White (THE
CARRIER - 1988) was Executive Producer of this
Michigan-lensed film. Also starring Lisa Sheldon Miller, Edward
Stevens, Sean Sweeney, Neil Savedes and Suzanne Lablatt. An Action
International Pictures Home Video Release. Not Rated.
HELL
OF THE LIVING DEAD (1980) -
"Why the long face? Is something eating you?" When director
Bruno Mattei (here using his frequent "Vincent Dawn"
pseudonym) makes a horror film, it either goes one of two ways: 1)
It is a balls-to-the-wall gory flick filled with scenes of extreme
bloodletting (i.e. RATS: NIGHT OF TERROR
- 1983; THE JAIL:
THE WOMENS HELL - 2006) or 2) It is a complete
borefest that borrows footage and/or
ideas from other films (i.e. THE
OTHER HELL - 1980; THE
TOMB - 2004). Unfortunately, this film falls into the second
category, but that doesn't mean you won't find an unintentional laugh
here or there or scenes of bloody gore.
A leak in a facility called "The Hope Center" (an
organization whose mission is to feed people in Third World nations)
in Papua, New Guinea causes a virus, where anyone or any other living
thing turns into a flesh-hungry zombie (I guess eating people would
solve the hunger problem!). We see a rat exposed to the virus
tear into the protective gear of a Hope Center employee and eat him
from the inside out as the critter crawls out of his stomach. It's
not long before everyone at the Hope Center are turned into zombies,
as we see the police surround the facility.
The film then switches to a hostage situation at an American embassy
in some unnamed country, where terrorists are holding members of the
embassy, asking for money and political prisoners to be freed in
exchange for their lives. Enter Lt. Mike London (Robert O'Neil; real
name: José Gras; MAD FOXES
- 1981) and his SWAT team members, as they try to rescue and free
eight American hostages. After slicing a terrorist's throat and
gunning down the rest, the mortally wounded head terrorist (Tito
Lucchetti) warns Lt. London and his men that they will have to deal
with a far deadlier opponent: The living dead, who will kill and eat
you (How does he know this? It is just one of many unanswered
questions in this film; the timeline is all screwed-up).
We are then transported to jungles of New Guinea, where
anthropoligist and reporter Lia Rousseau (Margit Evelyn Newton; THE
FINAL EXECUTIONER - 1983) is fretting over a young boy, who
was bitten by one of the infected. They stop at a jungle village to
get some fresh water, when they are attacked by zombies. Lia and her
documentary cameraman, Mack Osborne (Luis Fonoll), run into Mike and
his men (no explanation on why they are there) and rush back to
father Pierre (Gaby Renom), whom Lia discovers is being eaten in
their Land Rover by his son (!) Mike has one of his men kill the
young zombie by shooting him in the head ("These mothers have
more lives than a cat!"). Lia hitches a ride with Mike and when
he doesn't like the sound of native drums coming from jungle, Lia
strips naked, paints her nipples white (!) and goes it alone in the
jungle to see what the natives are up to (She lived with the natives
for over a year and, like most Italian jungle films from this period,
we see the natives butchering a live animal). Lia is able to find out
that many of the natives have become infected and there have been
many grisly deaths. In footage lifted from THE
VALLEY (OBSCURED BY CLOUDS)
(1972), we watch a native burial ritual intercut with new footage of
Mike and his men being attacked by zombies.
Mike, Lia and everyone else escape through the jungle, but when
Mike's Jeep breaks down, they are forced to take Lia's Land Rover,
throwing a year's worth of documentary footage away so his men
can fit in, which leads to an indescribable scene of pure stupidity
(you have to see it!). In another scene that screams WTF?!?, SWAT
member Zantoro (Frank Garfield; real name: Franco Garofalo; THE
EYES BEHIND THE STARS - 1977) non-chalantly walks into the
middle of a group of zombies and blows their heads off.
We are then at the U.N. building, where one representative of New
Guinea puts down the United States for allowing this virus to be
released in his country (intercut with stock footage that has nothing
to do with New Guinea). Lia, Mike and the ragtag group of SWAT
members come upon the dilapidated ruins of a jungle mansion, where
Mike finds the dead body of an elderly white woman. When he touches
her body, a zombie cat bursts out of her stomach and it is not long
before the mansion is crawling with zombies. The living dead kill one
member of the SWAT team (Zantoro says, "They're eating him like
pigs!") and they escape in the Land Rover, but not before
Zantoro (who seems to be infected with a form of the virus, which
makes him cackle like some idiot) once again walks into the middle of
a group of zombies and sets them on fire with a torch (He says to the
zombies, "Sorry, guys, it looks like I'm not on the menu!").
Mike makes it to the ocean shore, where he and his SWAT team take a
rubber raft to The Hope Center and we learn what his mission is: To
kill anyone still left alive so none of this will be made public (it
doesn't make any sense, especially if you take the U.N. scene into
consideration). Who will be left and what will be left of them? HINT:
No one lives, as Lia has her tongue ripped-out by a zombified
Zantoro, who then shoves his arm so far up her mouth that her eyes
pop out of their sockets! The film ends with the rest of the world
hearing the story on an emergency broadcast, but none of them believe
it. They soon will, as we
witness one unbelieving couple taking a walk in a park, where they
are attacked by a horde of zombies. Yes, the virus has escaped from
the Third World and has infected ther rest of the world (at
least we don't have to worry about people being starved to death!).
This boring, yet gory, Italy/Spain co-production can only be enjoyed
for its unbelievable dialogue and sound effects. The stock footage
shows animals which couldn't possibly live in New Guinea and I dare
you not to laugh when they show a flock of flamingos who cackle like
turkeys! While most of the actors are dubbed (and it sounds like the
dubbing artists, including Ted Rusoff, were having a good time
improvising their dialogue, including the line of dialogue that opens
this review) it is plain to see that they were speaking English (most
of these Italian
genre films were shot MOS [without sound]). Made in 1980, but
not released until 1983, when it made its Unrated U.S. theatrical
debut from Motion Picture marketing (MPM) under the title NIGHT
OF THE ZOMBIES (which was also the title of the fullscreen,
uncut VHS release from Vestron
Video in 1984, released just a few short months after the
theatrical showing). This may not be a good film (it is also known
under the titles VIRUS
and ZOMBIE CREEPING FLESH),
but I remember watching this for the first time with my good friend
Mike Decker (who now runs Just For The
Hell Of It Video) and both of us laughing hysterically at the
scenes that were supposed to make us scared. It hasn't changed in 35
years. If you don't have a sense of humor, this will be an
insufferable 99 minutes.
Besides the VHS release, This received an uncut widescreen DVD from
Anchor Bay Entertainment in 2002, with another DVD release from Blue
Underground in 2007. If you want more bang for your buck, Blue
Underground also released this on a double
feature Blu-Ray in 2014, with Mattei's RATS:
NIGHT OF TERROR (1983), which, if you have never seen it, is
recommended viewing. The disc is full of extras, including an old
interview with Mattei, new interviews with stars Newton and Garfield,
a poster and stills gallery and the theatrical trailer. Also starring
Selan Karay as Swat team member Vincent, Pietro Fumelli, Bruno Boni,
Patrizia Costa and Joaquín Blanco as Professor Barrett, the
scientist who created this virus as a way to feed the hungry. He
succeeded, but not in the way he hoped! Look for cameos from Mattei
and producer Claudio Fragasso as SWAT team members at the Embassy
siege. Fragasso, who was also a director (MONSTER
DOG - 1985; TROLL 2
- 1990), also co-wrote this film's screenplay with J.M. Cunilles (a
co-producer of EYEBALL
- 1975). Not Rated.
HELLRAISER:
DEADER (2003) - This is the
7th installment in the HELLRAISER
franchise, filmed back-to-back with HELLRAISER:
HELLWORLD (2003) by director Rick Bota, who also directed HELLRAISER:
HELLSEEKER (2001). I'm happy to report that this film brings
Pinhead (Doug Bradley) and his fellow Cenobites back to the forefront
(even though their screen time is limited). London Underground
magazine reporter Amy Klein (Kari Wuhrer; KING
OF THE ANTS - 2004) has just completed her multi-part
article "How To Be A Crack Whore" for the zine (When we
first see her, she is pretending to be a crack addict at a seedy
crack house, taking photos on the sly),
when her boss Charles Richmond (the unfortunately named Simon Kunz)
pulls her in his office and has her watch a videotape he has just
received. It shows a secret group called the "Deaders", led
by the charismatic Winter (Paul Rhys), bringing a woman name Marla
(Georgina Rylance) back to life after she commits suicide by shooting
herself in the head. Charles wants Amy to run with the story, but all
he has is Marla's address in Bucharest, Romania (where this movie was
filmed). Amy heads for Bucharest and goes to Marla's apartment (she
slips the superintendent a couple of twenties to let her in), only to
find Marla dead in the bathroon, her eyes whiter than snow, insects
crawling out of her mouth and a cord tied around her neck. There is
an envelope with the words "Help Us" written on it and
Marla is holding the dreaded Lament Configuration box in one of her
rigored hands. Amy grabs the envelope and the box, only for Marla to
seemingly come back to life for a few seconds and scare the shit out
of Amy. Back at the hotel, Amy opens the envelope to find a VHS tape
and a key. She plays the tape, where Marla tells whomever is watching
it to please help her and other members of the Deaders cult and to
talk to Joey (Marc Warren), who has commandeered the last subway car
on one of the subway lines, because he knows where the Deaders
compound is located. Amy also plays with the Lament Configuration box
and accidentally opens it. Suddenly, large chains come flying out of
the box and wrap themselves around her head and Pinhead appears,
telling Amy her soul is now his, but she still has work to do. From
that point on, Amy's life becomes a living nightmare, where she is
unable to distinguish what is real and what is fantasy (Amy is
already a troubled girl, as she frequently has flashbacks to her
childhood, where her father constantly beat her with his belt, locked
her in a closet and may have even sexually abused her.). She hops on
the subway car to meet Joey (the car is quite the sight, as the
windows are covered with newspapers and naked women and men gyrate in
various sexual positions, some even being tortured). Joey tells her
the location of the Deaders compound, but also tells her if she knows
what is good for her, she should head back to London immediately (He
says to her, "We're all just pieces in Winter's puzzle.").
Amy doesn't take his advice and goes to the Deaders compound, only to
find the gate chained with a padlock. Remembering the key in the
envelope, she uses it to open the padlock to enter the compound. She
begins to explore the labyrinth of hallways in the compound, which
seem to get tighter and tighter as she progresses (a really
atmospheric sequence, with a jump-scare that deals with a lighter and
a wall full of bugs), getting so tight, in fact, that she is unable
to progress any further. Suddenly an arm with a knife appears behind
her and she suddenly wakes up in the same room she saw on the first
videotape, with Winter and his followers looking down at her while
she lies on a bed. Winters wants her to stab herself so he can bring
her back to life, but she refuses, so Winters goes to stab her. She
then suddenly wakes up in a mental institution, restrained to a bed
with Charles beside her saying that he is working on getting her
released. The doctor removes her restraints and she walks around the
institution, where a little girl offers to draw her picture. When Amy
sees the finished product, half her face is normal and half is
monstrously decayed. She then wakes up in her hotel room, where she
discovers that she has been stabbed in the back with a butcher knife,
the blade protruding from her stomach, but she feels no pain even
though she is bleeding profusely (She can't reach the knife to pull
it out, so she uses a cabinet door in the bathroon to hold the
knife's handle while she pulls away. This sequence is almost too hard
to watch.). She then heads back to the subway car to talk to Joey,
only to find him and the rest of the crew dead, looking the same way
Marla did in her bathroom (If you look closely, you can spot a couple
of Cenobites playing with the corpses). In the finale, Amy ends up
back in the Deaders' suicide room, with Winter wanting Amy to open
the Lament Configuration box. She refuses and throws the box to the
floor, where it opens by itself. Pinhead and a couple of Cenobites
appear and Pinhead is pissed because Winter is messing around in his
territory, taking human souls for himself. Like any good Cenobite,
Pinhead has chains with hooks shoot out of the walls and pierce
Winter's body, graphically tearing him apart limb-from-limb.
Pinhead
has two other huge chains shoot out of the walls to run through the
midsections of Winter's followers, leaving large gaping holes in
their stomachs before they die. Pinhead then switches his attention
to Amy, saying it is now time for her to give him her soul. We then
flashback to Amy's childhood and find out that when she was a little
girl, she stabbed her father to death for all his abuse. Amy then
looks at Pinhead, tells him he will never get her soul and then
commits suicide by stabbing herself in the stomach. Pinhead screams,
as he and the other Cenobites disappear in a flash of bright light.
The film closes with Charles bringing a new wet-behind-the-ears
female reporter into his office, telling her he has a tape he wants
her to watch. And so, the cycle continues. While not a barn-burner,
this film is better than most sequels (most of the HELLRAISER sequels
have been better than average, except for maybe HELLRAISER:
BLOODLINE [1996], the fourth installment and last film in
the series to receive a theatrical release), thanks to plentiful gore
supplied by Gary Tunnicliffe (who was also Second Unit Director) and
his crew and lots of nudity (Yes, you do get to see Kari Wuhrer
topless and she's not that bad!). Director Rick Bota (TV's HARPER'S
ISLAND - 2009), a quality cinematographer by trade, does a
nice job keeping the atmosphere thick and manages to keep the script,
by Neil Marshall Stevens (actually a pseudonym for Benjamin Carr, director/writer
of STITCHES - 2001, whose
original screenplay had nothing to do with the Hellraiser mythos) and
Tim Day (who co-wrote the screenplay to HELLRAISER:
HELLSEEKER and was brought in to rewrite the third act of
Carr's screenplay, making Winter a descendent of the Lament
Configuration box's creator, Lemarchand), moving at a quick pace. As
you can probably guess, I'm a fan of this series of films, but that
doesn't mean that I'm being too kind when I say that this installment
is worth your time. This was the final appearance of Doug Bradley as
Pinhead; he was replaced by Stephan Smith Collins in the god-awful HELLRAISER:
REVELATIONS (2010), which I will review sometime in the
future (hopefully after a lobotomy). The late Stan Winston (PUMPKINHEAD
- 1988) was one of the producers of this film, which was made in
2003, but not released on home video until 2005, thanks to financial
trouble at Miramax. It is now available as a stand-alone DVD (with no
extras, unlike the original DVD release from the now-defunct
Dimension Home Video) or part of a multi-pack HELLRAISER
sequels Blu-Ray/DVD, both from Echo
Bridge Home Entertainment, who purchased the entire Miramax
horror catalogue. Rated R.
HELLRAISER:
HELLSEEKER (2001)
- This is the sixth film in the HELLRAISER
series and one of the best since the first two. It would even hold
it's own if it had nothing to do with the franchise. Trevor (Dean
Winters of OZ [1997 - 2003]) and his
wife Kirsty (Ashley Laurence) have an accident in their car and it
goes off a bridge into the water. Trevor survives and tries to save
Kristy as she is trapped in the car but is
unsuccessful. Trevor wakes up in a hospital where he has severe
headaches and has hallucinations (?) of grotesque images (including
graphic surgery on his own brain) and making love to various women
who are not his wife. The police are not sure that Trevor is telling
the truth since Kirsty's body was never found. Trevor seems to be
living a double life as we learn in bits and pieces that all is not
quite what it seems. Trevor may have been having trouble with his
marriage and may have planned on having her murdered by having her
use the puzzle box displayed so prominently in the previous films.
Just like a puzzle, Trevor begins to put the pieces together and may
not like it when the final piece is put into place. Pinhead (Doug
Bradley) make his first appearance to Trevor while he visits an
acupuncturist (how appropriate) to help him relieve his head pain. He
asks Trevor what he likes more: "The pleasure or the pain?"
while shoving a big needle through Trevor's neck. At his apartment,
Trevor spots some faceless hulk following him and finds a video
camera on a tripod that makes him see Cenobites torturing him live on
a monitor. The police are nearly ready to arrest him for the murder
of his wife when they find out that he stands to inherit a vast
amount of money from her estate (a reference to the first film is
made here, since Laurence is playing the same role she did in that
film). Trevor keeps alternating between two worlds, both which make
no sense to him. When the final coda is revealed it is a doozy, so I
will not spoil it for you here. Suffice to say, all the piece of the
puzzle fit together quite nicely. Directed with flair by
cinematographer Rick Bota, who must have impressed the bigshots at
Dimension Films as they hired him to direct two more films for the
series: HELLRAISER: DEADER
and HELLRAISER: HELLWORLD
(both filmed back-to-back in Romania in 2003, to be released in
2005). Pinhead and the Cenobites are used sparingly here, mainly to
good effect. There are a few gory scenes, including an icepick to the
head, the aforementioned needle through the neck, a suicide by
gunshot from the chin through the brain and various Cenobite
violence, including the prerequisite chains and hooks. Not bad for a HELLRAISER
film and very good as a stand-alone murder/mystery/horror film. Also
starring Rachel Hayward, Sarah Jane Redmond, William S. Taylor,
Trevor White and Jody Thompson, who all play a vital part in this
literate screenplay by Carl Dupre and Tim Day. A Dimension Home Video
Release. Rated R. NOTE: Released on DVD & Blu-Ray in HELLRAISER
multi-packs by Echo Bridge Home Entertainment
when Dimension no longer distributed DVDs (but still using the
Dimension name to sell them!). Please stay away from HELLRAISER:
REVELATIONS (2010), the newest installment in the franchise,
as it is an abomination and they used someone other than Doug Bradley
to play Pinhead. Blasphemous!
HELLRAISER:
HELLWORLD (2003) - I really
wanted to hate this film. I really did, but when all the pieces fell
together in the end, I knew that this was more than your typical HELLRAISER
sequel (technically, it's the 8th in the franchise). Some thought
actually went into the screenplay. A bunch of computer players of the
game Hellworld (which uses the Hellraiser mythos as the main story)
are invited to a rave at a deserted house by "The Host"
(Lance Henriksen) and promises them a night they will not forget.
Boy, is he right! People are decapitated, hung on hooks, have their
throat sliced and seem to be in another dimension because when the police
are called by Chelsea (Katheryn Winnick) and told to look at a
certain window of the house to see her, all the cops can see is an
empty window. Every once in a while Pinhead (Doug Bradley) and his
Cenobites show up to kill a main character and I'm glad to report
that the blood and gore flows rather freely. When the only game
players that are left are Chelsea and her semi-boyfriend Jake
(Christopher Jacot), The Host plays his hand and tells them that they
have been drugged from the beginning and buried alive (with plastic
tubing as breathing airholes) with only their cellphones as
companions, letting their imaginations, some deft instructions from
The Host through the cellphones and Hellworld to destroy themselves.
It seems that everyone else that was buried alive are now dead at
their own hands (scared to death, asthma, tearing one's throat apart)
and only Chelsea and Jake are still buried alive, but alive. Why has
The Host done all this? Well, it seems that his son, Adam (Stelian
Urian), who invented Hellworld, committed suicide after opening the
Lament Configuration box and he blames all the other players, who
were his friends, for his son's death (Seems like The Host never even
went to his son's funeral.). The police arrive just in time to save
Chelsea and Jake, but The Host gets away, hiding out in a
roach-infested motel. Inside his briefcase is the Lament
Configuration box and he fools around with it. Big mistake. The box
opens and Pinhead and his Cenobites appear. One of the Cenobites cuts
The Host into three pieces with what looks like a giant axehead
attached to a metal chain (one of the film's gory highlights) and The
Host appears one more time in the car of Chelsea and Jake to remind
them that he will always be with them. I'm not saying that this is a
great film, but it is an enjoyable extension of the HELLRAISER
franchise, as the two films that came before it, HELLRAISER:
INFERNO (2000) and HELLRAISER:
HELLSEEKER (2001) could have worked as well without Pinhead
and his gang. In this film, the characters are needed to make the
film work. Director Rick Bota, who also made HELLSEEKER,
two episodes of HARPER'S ISLAND
(2009) and filmed this one back-to-back with HELLRAISER:
DEADER (2003, the 7th in the franchise), and screenwriter
Carl Dupre (who also wrote HELLSEEKER),
offer the usual blood and gore we depend on from the franchise, but
also offer plenty of female nudity (something missing from most DTV
films) and a literate way to keep the franchise alive by keeping the
story modern (cellphones actually work in this film and play an
important part in the story) and the denouement quite believable (for
a horror film anyway). There are a lot worse ways to spend your
nights than giving this film a chance. Filmed in Romania and made in
2003, but not released until 2005 because of financial problems at
Miramax. Gary J. Tunnicliffe (the director of the awful WITHIN
THE ROCK [1996] did the makeup effects and was also Second
Unit Director (as well as playing one of the uncredited Cenobites).
Also starring Henry Cavill (BLOOD
CREEK - 2008), Khary Payton, Anna Tolputt, Victor McGuire,
Magdalena Tun and Snowy Highfield. A Dimension Home Video DVD
Release. Also released by Echo
Bridge Home Entertainment on DVD & Blu-Ray in various
compilations. Rated R. NOTE:
Please stay away from HELLRAISER:
REVELATIONS (2010) and HELLRAISER:
JUDGMENT (2016; directed by Tunnicliffe), the newest
installment in the franchise, as it is an abomination and they used
someone other than Doug Bradley to play Pinhead. Blasphemous!
THE
HEREAFTER (1983) - A little-seen
horror film from Britain's answer to Ted V. Mikels, the mysterious
Michael J. Murphy (INVITATION
TO HELL - 1982; BLOODSTREAM
- 1985; DEATH RUN - 1987; SKARE
- 2009). The film opens with Neville Harmer (Steven Longhurst) trying
to make love to his girlfriend Vicky (Catherine Rowlands) by a
roaring fireplace, only to be interrupted by the incessant banging of
a cane on the wall by Neville's sickly, abusive and wheelchair-bound
father, Alfred (Al Greer), who wants to be put to bed. Vicky wonders
out loud how much longer Neville will have to endure his father's
constant maltreatments (When Neville carries his father to bed, the
old man quips, "Ooh, you smell nice!") and Neville replies,
"He'll be dead soon and we can leave this place for good",
to which Vicky replies, "Will we?". Neville's father is
filthy rich and lords his fortune over Neville's head, also calling
Vicky a "slut" who only stays with him because one day he
will be rich. The next day, Neville has had enough of his father's
verbal and mental abuse, leaving him in his wheelchair on a rocky road.
The brakes give out on the wheelchair and good old Dad rolls off a
cliff, lands in a lake and dies. Neville is finally free and believes
he can now sell his father's mansion and sawmill business for a
million pounds, but at the reading of the will, Daddy gets his
revenge by stating that Neville must live in the mansion for at least
eleven months of the year or else the mansion and the sawmill will be
given to charity. Neville and Vicky get married and move into the
mansion and Vicky discovers that the house holds some deadly secrets
of its own. There's a room in the mansion that Neville keeps locked
and he explains to Vicky that his great-great uncle committed suicide
in that room (by flinging himself through the window) after watching
his commoner girlfriend being gang-raped and drowned by men hired by
his uncle's disapproving father. Neville was accidentally locked in
that room as a small child and swears he saw the ghosts of his
great-great uncle and his girlfriend, which is why he keeps the room
locked. Vicky thinks this is all a steaming pile of bunk, so she
orders housekeeper Dorothy (Wendy Young) to open the room. Vicky also
throws a costume party and has her friend Sylvia (Yvette Gunter) hold
a séance. At the séance, Sylvia becomes possessed by
Neville's father and soon Neville begins seeing the rotting corpse of
his father at the most inopportune times. The question soon becomes:
Is Neville actually seeing ghosts or is someone trying to kill him?
If it is the latter, who can it be? Karate-loving groundskeeper
Patrick (David Slater)? Housekeeper Dorothy? Devoted wife Sally? Or
could it be a combination of any two? When Neville takes a header out
the window of the once-locked room and nearly dies and the guilty
parties exposed to the audience, a now-paraplegic and
wheelchair-bound Neville (Oh, do you see the irony?) plays a cat-and-mouse
game with the guilty parties after discovering the treachery,
setting a plan into motion that proves deadly for everyone
involved. If you ever had the (dis)pleasure of watching a
Michael J. Murphy film (he directed and wrote this one using the
pseudonym "Michael Melsack"), you know what to expect here:
Static camerawork (with plenty of Dutch angles); extremely cheesy
makeup effects (a pickaxe to the eye; the rotting corpse of Neville's
father; an arm caught in a bear trap; a bloody stabbing); amateurish
acting (Murphy has a stock company of actors, many who appear in most
of his films [both Steven Longhurst and Catherine Rowlands also
appear in Murphy's BLOODSTREAM]);
bad post-synch dubbing; and a droning synthesizer score. That
doesn't mean THE HEREAFTER (originally known as QUALEN,
since this film was expressly made for export to Spain!) is
unwatchable, though. For some reason, Murphy's films have a nasty
edge to them and, in this film, that nastiness comes in Neville's
revenge once he figures out he is being played for a fool (and
eventual murder victim). Watching Neville dragging his lifeless lower
half up a flight of stairs and discovering all the evidence he needs
to put the guilty parties in prison is about as creepy as it comes,
yet instead of turning them into the authorities, he devises a
devious plan of retribution that will have your attention to the
bitter end, bad acting aside. This is by no means a good film, but it
is an interesting no-budget horror flick for non-discriminating genre
fans. Besides that, it's as rare as fuck. The only legitimate English
language home video release in the entire world was the U.S. VHS tape
on the Mogul
Communications, Inc. label. Also starring Lindsey Allan, Harry
Willowski, Michael Lynch, Marina Lee, Neil Wilkinson and Peter Neal. Not
Rated.
HILLSIDE
CANNIBALS (2005) - Yes, this
is another cheap and boring rip-off from those fine folks at The
Asylum, who haven't met a blockbuster film they haven't made a crappy
copy of (They prefer you call them "mockbusters", but I
prefer the term "barely legal cheap knock-offs"), with
titles like H.G.
WELLS WAR OF THE WORLDS (2005), SNAKES
ON A TRAIN (2006), 666:
THE CHILD (2006), HALLOWEEN NIGHT
(2006), THE DA VINCI TREASURE
(2006), PIRATES OF
TREASURE ISLAND (2006), AVH:
ALIEN VS. HUNTER (2007), INVASION
OF THE POD PEOPLE (2007), TRANSMORPHERS
(2007), I AM OMEGA (2007), DEATH
RACERS (2008), ALLAN
QUATERMAIN AND THE TEMPLE OF SKULLS (2008) and THE
DAY THE EARTH STOPPED (2008), usually released to home video
mere days ahead of the theatrical release of their big-budget
counterparts (with almost the exact same print campaign), in hopes of
duping unwary renters and buyers into believing they are getting the
real deal. In the case of STOPPED, The Asylum had legal action
brought against them from 20th Century Fox (it being released so
close to their mega-budget remake of THE
DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL [2008]), but once Fox took a look
at Asylum's no-budget rip-off, all they could do was laugh and drop
the suit. Which brings us back to HILLSIDE CANNIBALS: It is
nothing but
an insufferably slow knock-off of Alexandre Aja's 2006 remake of Wes
Craven's THE HILLS HAVE EYES
with the legend of Sawney Bean tossed in for good measure (which was
covered much gorier in EVIL
BREED: THE LEGEND OF SAMHAIN [2003]). A group of teenage
spelunkers go cave exploring in the middle of the California desert,
armed only with a bag of marijuana, some bottles of Jagermeister and
their raging hormones. It's not long before they are attacked and
graphically killed (one of the girls is cut in half and gets to see
the lower half of her body dragged away before she dies) by a tribe
of mutant cannibals who speak in a thick Irish brogue. It turns out
the leader of the cannibals is good old Sawney Bean himself (how he
got to California is never explained) and he's been able to keep his
clan going by eating wayward people who stray into their territory
and occasionally accepting a new member into the fold, like they do
with Ben (Tom Nagle), one of the spelunkers. Only Linda (Heather
Conforto), Bill's girlfriend, escapes the clutches of the cannibal
clan (thanks to an understanding cannibal member), but when she is
picked-up by the Sheriff (Louis Graham), he doesn't believe her story
and thinks she's high on drugs (not to mention that she's a teenage
runaway reported missing by her parents). Linda escapes from the
Sheriff (turns out he works in cahoots with the cannibals) and
decides to deal with the situation on her own, so she heads back to
the caves, rescues Bill and then are both pursued through the desert
by the cannibals. Bill is quickly recaptured and tortured (some of
his fingers are cut off with a pair of scissors and eaten in front of
him), leaving Linda to join forces with Ted (Chriss Anglin), another
survivor who witnessed his family being killed by the cannibals and
vowed to get revenge. They both go the the caves and...hell, I can't
go on with this charade. This film blows so hard, it would make a
professional hooker give up her profession. This film doesn't
conclude, it just ends, like the filmmakers ran out of film and hoped
you didn't notice. It's films like this that gives tripe a bad
name. It's horrendously photographed (some shots are blocked so
poorly, heads are cut off at nose level, which leads me to believe
that this film was filmed open matte and cropped to look widescreen),
badly acted and full of dime store gore effects. This is just a lazy
film filled with too many questions and no answers. Even if we take
for granted that Sawney Bean somehow made the trip to California
unnoticed, when it's revealed that the Sheriff is actually working in
conjunction with the cannibal clan (even going as far as to set up
road blocks so the cannibals can attack unwary motorists), it just
shows how lazy director Leigh Scott (THE
BEAST OF BRAY ROAD - 2005; THE
HITCHHIKER - 2007) and Steven Bevilacqua (WHEN
A KILLER CALLS - 2006; just try to guess what film he's
ripping-off here) really are. There's not much to recommend here
besides some cheap gore (a face being removed and then worn by one of
the cannibals; some throat slittings; flesh eating; various
dismemberments), but, again, the laziness factor comes into play by
giving the cannibals horribly mutated faces, but leaving the rest of
their extremities (like their arms and hands) totally untouched.
There's no other excuse for doing something like that except for
sheer laziness and shooting with a budget that wouldn't pay for the
craft service on the film that "inspired" it. The Asylum
has nothing but contempt for their audience, so why bother supporting
them by watching these abominations? Do yourself a favor and spend
your time more productively, like trimming your nails or cleaning out
your ears. All HILLSIDE CANNIBALS
will do is bore you to tears. Also starring Frank Pacheco, Erica
Roby, Marie Westbrook, Tom Downey, Crystal Napoles, Ella Holden,
Katayoun Dara and director Scott as Sawney Bean. An Asylum
Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated.
THE
HILLS RUN RED (2009) - Low-budget
horror films of the new Millennium are a mixed bag. Most of them rely
too much on CGI effects, even on practical makeup effects. They may
be saving themselves a few dollars, but CGI still hasn't progressed
to the point (at least in my eyes) of replacing good, old-fashioned
prosthetics blood and gore and those films that try to do it stick
out like a sore thumb. Which is why THE HILLS RUN RED is such
a mixed bag. After offering us a truly disgusting sequence over the
opening titles, where a young boy mutilates his face with a pair of
scissors while an old lady sings "Hush Little Baby" on the
soundtrack and the kid then hides his horrendously bloody face behind
a Babyface mask, the film then quickly degenerates into a bunch of
cheap scares and obvious CGI-enhanced blood and gore. The film
informs us that, in 1982, controversial film director Wilson Wyler
Concannon (William Sadler; DISTURBING
BEHAVIOR - 1998) released his only film, aptly titled THE
HILLS RUN RED, and it was quickly pulled from theaters because of
its graphic depictions of sadism and murder. All known prints of the
film vanished and no cast members were ever located. Over the years,
it has become the Holy Grail of film historians, as all that
remains of the film is a crudely made trailer and director Concannon
was never heard from again. Tyler (Tad Hilgenbrinck; AMUSEMENT
- 2007) is obsessed with the film, including the trailer (which we
see), so he decides to track down director Concannon. Tyler has found
out where Concannon's daughter, Alexa (Sophie Monk), lives, so he,
reluctant girlfriend Serina (Janet Montgomery; WRONG
TURN 3: LEFT FOR DEAD - 2009) and best friend Lalo (Alex
Wyndham), along with Alexa (who is a coke-sniffing, heroin-addicted
stripper at a titty bar who tries to give Tyler a lapdance on their
first meeting), head-out to the locations where the film was shot in
hope of locating Concannon and a copy of the film (But not before
Tyler cures Alexa of her heroin addiction and Serina cheats on Tyler
by sleeping with Lalo! Yeah, this is a screwed-up bunch.). While
Tyler films a documentary of their exploits, Alexa (whose memory is
fuzzy, but she believes her father died ten years ago) leads the
group to the film's locations and they eventually end up at the
film's main location: a house deep in the woods, where Tyler hopes to
discover a copy of the film in its attic (Talk about wishful
thinking!). What they don't count on is that the film's villain,
Babyface, may actually be real (Alexa tells everyone that Babyface
was portrayed by a local non-actor who was "slow in the
head"). It's not long before the documentary shoot turns into a
quest for survival, as Babyface begins his killing spree,
infidelities (of all kinds) are exposed and it looks as if someone
else is filming the new action and horror for a movie of their own.
Care to guess who that can be? While the film has an
interesting premise (I'm a sucker for "lost movie" plots,
since I've been on some Holy Grail hunts myself, especially a
multi-country hunt for a surviving print of Charles Nizet's VOODOO
HEARTBEAT [1972] that would make an interesting novel,
encompassing rigged bidding, political intrigue and death threats!),
all hope is lost for THE HILLS RUN RED when snippets of the
lost film's gory killings (especially one poor girl getting torn in
half with the help of barb wire and a tree booby trap) reveals that
most of them were achieved with the help of CGI (In 1982? C'mon!).
Things go from bad to worse when a bunch of local yokels, led by
Sonny (Ewan Bailey), take the foursome captive in the middle of the
woods and begin to film their own porno film, with Alexa as the star
(we learn later that this was all a ruse), only to be saved by
Babyface, who then begins to kill the foursome, beginning with Lalo.
Director Dave Parker (his first feature film since 2000's THE
DEAD HATE THE LIVING) and screenwriter David J. Schow (LEATHERFACE:
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 3 - 1990) make sure they don't
miss any horror film clichés here, from a barn full of hanging
body parts, Babyface being nearly indestructible and superhuman in
strength and a not-very-surprising late reveal that one of the
foursome has set-up this whole scenario from the start and has been
doing it for years, helping Daddy remake the film over-and-over since
1982. While there is plenty of blood, gore and nudity (Sophie Monk
has the finest tits money can buy), THE HILLS RUN RED rings
hollow for most of its running time, especially the ridiculous
torture porn finale, William Sadler's shameless over-acting and the
"surprise" ending (which made me want to kick-in my TV
screen). Filmed in Bulgaria, where law states that every citizen must
have at least one "v" in his or her name (try reading the
closing credits!). Also starring Mike Straub, Joy McBrinn, Hristo
Mitzkov and Raicho Vasilev as Babyface. A Warner
Premiere DVD Release. Rated R.
HOLLYWOOD
MEATCLEAVER MASSACRE (1976) -
Christopher Lee appears on screen to give us a brief history of the
human soul and how, throughout history, it is able to leave the body
and then return. Mr. Lee then goes on to describe evil spirits
throughout history. What does this have to do with the rest of the
film? Not very much, but it does lend a touch of class to a rather
classless film. The film proper opens with occult history teacher
Professor Cantrell (James Habif) giving a class to his college
students on an evil spirit called Morak, which legend says will do
your bidding if you chant his name. When the professor makes student
Mason (Larry Justin) look like a fool in front of his classmates, he
and three of his buddies decide to teach the professor a lesson
(after getting drunk and stoned). Wearing stockings on their heads,
they break into the professor's house, where they knock out the
professor, savagely stab and kill his daughter, strangle her
boyfriend, murder the maid and even kill the dog. The professor
sustains a serious head injury and he is paralyzed from the neck
down, unable to speak but able to hear everything around him,
including a police detective saying to a doctor that they have no
idea who murdered his daughter. The professor summons the spirit of
Morak from his hospital bed and it's not long before this vengeful
spirit dishes out justice to the four punks who broke into the
professor's house. At first the spirit infects their dreams, showing
them they are about to die horrible deaths. The first one, Sean
(Robert Clark), takes a hike in the desert and is savagely slashed to
death by a cactus plant, his guts spilled all over his white tee
shirt. The second one, Dirk (Doug Senior), is repeatedly impaled in
the head by the latch of a car hood, which mysteriously slams itself
down over and over on his cranium. The third one, Phil (Bob Mead),
has his face burnt off by an exploding fuse box at the movie theater
he works at. Mason is saved for last and, as he searches the
professor's house for a way to fight the spirit, has his eye ripped
out by Morak, who takes physical form (he looks like a bigfoot
drop-out). Mason survives, but he lives the rest of his life as a
babbling idiot in a padded cell at the local looney bin. The
only way to properly describe this film is CHEAP. It looks like a
student film with all it's shakey hand held camerawork (which is
surprising because the director of photography was Guerdon Trueblood,
who directed the excellent thriller THE
CANDY SNATCHERS in 1973), trippy visuals and so-so acting by
a cast of unknowns. I'm willing to bet that one-time director Evan
Lee had nothing to do with the Christopher Lee wraparound segments.
They were probably added by the distribution company to pad out the
running time and possibly to increase it's boxoffice potential
(believe it or not, this did get a theatrical release). There are
some bloody moments and effective visuals on view but, overall, it's
just a minor horror film whose history is much more interesting than
the actual film itself. Notorious badfilm director Edward D. Wood Jr.
makes one of his final on-screen appearances as a photographer and
producer/co-writer Ray Atherton went on to produce a string of
documentaries, including executive producing the DEATH
SCENES series of shockumentaries on VHS and DVD. This film,
also known simply as MEATCLEAVER
MASSACRE, as well as EVIL FORCE
and MORAK,
had a brief release in the U.S. on VHS from Catalina Home Video in
the mid-80's and then disappeared. You should be able to find a copy
on DVD-R from some grey market sellers on the internet if you really
must have a copy. Also starring J. Arthur Craig, Alisa Beaton, Pat
Nagel and Paul Kelleher and, no, there's not a meatcleaver in sight. Rated
R.
HOLLYWOOD'S
NEW BLOOD (1989) - Hoo,
boy. I should have known better seeing that this film was released on
VHS by RaeDon Home Entertainment, the short-lived video company that
would release anything resembling a film (Even a video of your Aunt
Fanny's funeral would qualify) during the late 80's & early 90's,
but the masochist in me just had to see (and hear) for myself if this
film is as bad as everyone says it is. I'm happy to report it is (Why
am I happy? Because I'm out of my fucking mind!). A bunch of would-be
actors gather at a house in the middle of the California woods to
rehearse various exercises for an acting class. Unfortunately,
sixteen years earlier in the same location, a special effects film
crew blew up the wrong house for the movie they were working on,
killing all eight members of the innocent Glouster family. Yeah, you
guessed it. The Glouster clan (who dress like bums and hillbillies)
rise from their unmarked graves and begin killing the
young actors, as acting coach Vinnie (Al Valletta; RUNAWAY
NIGHTMARE - 1982) puts his young thespians through their
paces, using the woods for various "acting exercises" with
deadly results. On one of those exercises, Vinnie sends all his
students out into the woods to find objects that they can interact
with in class. While most of the students come back with sticks, pine
cones or rocks, Mitch (Joe Balogh: HITCHER
IN THE DARK - 1989; MOON
STALKER - 1989) comes back with a human skull and some
bones, which belong to the deceased Mother Glouster. This even
pisses-off the three undead Glouster boys more than usual and they
step-up their killing spree, gut-stabbing one guy with a knife and
slicing the throat of a girl (both off-screen) as they are making out
in the woods. Only Bret (Bobby Johnston; DEMON
WIND - 1990) takes any of this seriously and seems to know
more than he is letting on. When Vinnie is stabbed to death in his
bed (again off-screen) and Mitch is tied to a tree and skinned alive
(Mother of god, again off-screen!), Bret and Liz (Francine Lapensee; BORN
KILLER - 1989) must find a way to escape the woods while
battling the Glouster boys. Not much happens in this lethargic
slasher film, directed and written by James Shyman, who also gave us
the equally awful SLASHDANCE
the same year and then disappeared into obscurity. HOLLYWOOD'S
NEW BLOOD is nothing but endless scenes of people talking to
each other (or themselves) and countless sequences of the same people
(and camera POV shots) walking or running through the woods,
infrequently interrupted by some of the lamest murder scenes ever
committed to celluloid. Apparently, the special effects budget was
non-existent, so we never see any of the actual killings, only the
after-effects, which consists of nothing but throwing stage blood on
the dead bodies. No gaping, blood-spurting wounds here, folks. The
undead Glouster clan is no better; just three guys in flannel shirts,
stupid-looking hats or wool caps and plenty of burnt cork and oatmeal
rubbed on their faces and hands. They are about as frightening as the
hobos and vagabonds you see begging for spare change on street
corners. This film is like injecting a syringe containing 20 mg. of
valium into your veins: Your eyes will lose focus, your brain will
feel like mush and your body will go limp, yet with this film you'll
still have to endure 77 minutes of sheer inanity (The film proper is
only 66 minutes long, but it is padded with over 11 minutes of silent
previously-viewed footage in the finale, while the crappy
ear-bleeding title tune endlessly drones on until the final credits
roll and the film mercifully ends). Skip the movie and just pop a
real Valium instead. You'll thank me later. Someone farting directly
in your face after eating ten bean burritos is less torture (and
smells better) than watching this turd. Also starring Martie Allyne,
Lynn Dee, Ken Denny, Lynne Pirtle, Kent Abrams, Allen Francis, Donna
Lynn and George Spellman. A RaeDon
Home Video VHS Release. Not available on DVD. Not Rated.
Did I forget to mention that this film is also devoid of any nudity? Sacrilegious!
HOME
SICK (2007) - When a film opens
with a guy asking a multi-pierced dreadlocked white chick, "Can
I pee in your mouth?", I think we can all come to the conclusion
that we are not about to watch anything Shakespearian. That guy is
Ben (Jeff Dylan Graham; DEADLY STINGERS
- 2003) and when he leaves the dreadlocked girl in a hotel room to go
get a pack of cigarettes (where a Santa hat-wearing cashier tells
him, "This is going to be the worst Christmas ever.") and
returns a few minutes later, he finds the girl is missing, the
bathtub is full of blood and grue and someone wearing black rubber
gloves stabs him in the back of the head with a knife (the blade
protrudes out of his mouth), causing Ben to suffer a long, agonizing
death which ends with him falling into the bathtub. Welcome to HOME
SICK, a run-of-the-mill gore flick executive produced by the
owners of Synapse Films, a DVD company better known for releasing
older (and much better) horror and exploitation fare. The film then
switches to earlier in the evening, with Claire (Lindley Evans), Mark
(Forrest Pitts) and Robert (Will Akers) visiting
the home of Candice (Tiffany Shepis; DETOUR
- 2003) and Tim (Matt Lero). Claire has just returned from California
and doesn't seem too happy to be back (she's a real downer), as the
attempted suicide scars on her wrists bear out. The makeshift party
is unexpectedly crashed by Mr. Suitcase (Bill Moseley; BABYSITTER
WANTED - 2008), a smiling, bowtie-wearing stranger that no
one knows who is carrying a suitcase. He parks himself on the couch
and announces, "I am here to give and not receive." He puts
on a pair of yellow latex gloves, opens his briefcase and reveals
that it is full of loose razorblades. He says that this is a
"healing exercise" and asks everyone to give him the name
of one person they really hate. Everyone is understandably freaked
out, but he forces them to answer. Robert hates his boss. Candice
hates her ex-boyfriend (who happens to be Ben, from earlier in the
film). Mark hates Matthew (Patrick Engel), a drug dealer. Claire
hates Anthony (L.C. Holt). Tim hates "everyone in this fucking
room." With each announcement, Mr. Suitcase reaches into his
case, picks out a razor and slashes his own arm (the same arm that is
holding Candice in a headlock) and we are shown brief flash-forwards
of the hated people dying. Just as quick as he enters, Mr. Suitcase
then leaves, but not before singing a hobo song and wishing everyone
a "Merry Christmas". Since we already saw Ben die a nasty
death in the beginning of the film, I guess we can all see where this
film is heading. Everyone who the group said they hated begins dying
gory deaths at the hands of a black-hooded demon, until we come to
Tim's pick: The entire group themselves. Can they find a way to
reverse this curse before they all end up dead? After getting to know
these people for just five minutes, I hope they all suffer painful
deaths. Seems I get my wish, but with one exception. HOME
SICK is merely an excuse to showcase extreme gore in between
bouts of bad acting (even the usually reliable Bill Moseley is poor
here, sporting a short haircut, over-bleached white teeth and a
disinterested manner, like his heart really isn't in it). Director
Adam Wingard (POP SKULL -
2007) and co-producer/screenwriter E.L. Katz seem more than happy to
copy their killings from other films, including Matthew's death,
which is a direct steal from the head stomping/curb killing from AMERICAN
HISTORY X (1998). Add to that the fact that the characters
are the most unlikable or morose bunch of people you'll ever meet
(Candice and Tim are cokeheads; Mark and Robert work in a funeral
home; Claire is just a sad excuse for a human being), that when they
do die, there's no emotional involvement on the viewer's part (and
why do most of them wear dark makeup under their eyes?). As a matter
of fact, the group that told Mr. Suitcase who they hate are much
worse than those who are hated. I'm a big fan of Tiffany Shepis (who
gets her foot sliced in half between her toes with a knife before
having her skull caved-in with a ballpeen hammer), but even I was
embarrassed for her here (even though she does go topless and pukes
on a corpse!), so I was glad when she was killed early on. HOME
SICK has plenty of unrated gore for fans of that stuff
(including fingernail removal; a body cut in half at the shoulder
with an axe; a disembowelment; a gunshot to the head; a chest
ripping; a manual beheading; a fist through a skull; a shotgun blast
to the head), but it wraps itself around the worst acting (Matt Lero
takes top honors for stiffness) and an idiotic storyline where people
do and say the most asinine things at the worst possible moments
imaginable. Synapse should stick to releasing DVDs, not actually
producing films, especially if this is going to be the result. Tom
Towles (HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES
- 2002; also starring Moseley) puts in an extended cameo as Tim's
Uncle Johnny (who is actually Tim's father), a gun and chili nut.
Also starring Brandon Carroll and Shaina Fewell. A Synapse
Films DVD Release. Unrated.
HOME
SWEET HOME (1980) - Jay
Jones (Jake Steinfeld) has just escaped from a mental institution. He
kills a drunk, steals his car, shoots up PCP under his tongue and
runs over an old lady carrying groceries (all while the credits
roll). He then stalks the home of failed record executive Bradley
(producer Don Edmonds), who has an odd assortment of friends over for
Thanksgiving dinner. The strangest of all is Bradley's son, Mistake
(Peter De Paula), who walks around with white makeup on his face and
carries and electric guitar with a portable amp strapped to his back.
Mistake is also somewhat a pain in the ass with the guests but is
also a loving brother to his little sister Angel
(Vinessa Shaw). When Jones cuts off the electricity and phone lines
to the house, Bradley leaves to get gas for the generator. Being the
cheap bastard that he is, Bradley see Jones' car on the side of the
road and siphons gas from the tank. He then tries to steal the
battery (!), but Jones jumps on the hood, crushing him dead. After a
couple of hours pass and Bradley doesn't return, Wayne (Charles
Hoyes) goes looking for him, but Jones is waiting in the back seat of
the car and slits Wayne's throat. Jones then kills two female guests,
Linda (Sallee Young) and Gail (Leia Naron), by slamming Linda's head
against a rock and stabbing Gail repeatedly with a broken bottle.
Mistake watches as Jones stabs Maria (Lisa Rodriguez) and then gets
electrocuted when Jones attaches two power lines to his head (his
guitar lights up like a light sabre!). The only people left alive are
Scott (David Mielke), Jennifer (Colette Trygg) and Angel. They
start finding the bodies and think Mistake is responsible. Big
mistake. They'll wish it was him when they have to face-off with the
hulking Jones. Even with a knife in his back, Jones still stalks his
prey. It takes two shotgun blasts from a passing cop to bring him
down. Or does it? This is a typical early 80's slasher flick
that is marred by the extremely dark nighttime scenes (which amounts
to about 70% of the film), where it is impossible to make out what is
going on (the same problem that plagued HUMONGOUS
- 1981). Jake ("Body By Jake") Steinfeld hams it up so
badly, you half expect bacon to fly off the screen. All he does is
laugh hysterically and scream about how "All women are no good.
My mother was no good!" I'm sure if more people saw this film,
he would have sold a lot less of his exercise gadgets on all those
infomercials he hosted on late night TV. Producer/co-star Don Edmonds
directed TERROR ON TOUR
the same year, but this film was directed by Nettie Pena, whose only
other credit was as editor of DRACULA
SUCKS (1978). The way this film is structured, it looks as
if Mistake will save the day but, the script, by Thomas Bush (who
died during production), is just one cop-out after another. Nearly
every character is killed without any buildup and the non-ending,
where the seemingly dead Jones opens his eyes as the film fades to
black, is textbook cop-out 101. Don Edmonds is best remembered for
directing the first two ILSA films,
as well as TENDER LOVING CARE
(1973) and BARE KNUCKLES
(1977), all featuring the late George
"Buck" Flower. Alex Rebar, the star of THE
INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN (1977), was one of the executive
producers. Worth a look only if you need to see every slasher film
made in the 80's. Also known as SLASHER
IN THE HOUSE and BLOODPARTY.
A Media Home Entertainment
Release. Not Rated.
HOOD
RAT (2001) - Atlanta,
Georgia-based urban horror film about a pack of murderous rats
terrorizing the city. After watching rat catcher J.D. Mogo (an
uncredited Miguel A. Nunez Jr.) being devoured by a pack of hungry
rats and then watching Judge Bankhead (Tami Anderson) sentence
slumlord Mr. Souilliez (Taurean Blacque; HILL
STREET BLUES - 1981-1987) to spend thirty days in one of his
worse tenement buildings, we switch to Mr. Souilliez's rent
collector, Grady (Ice-T; who got his LAW
& ORDER: SVU [1999 - Today] gig shortly after appearing
in this film), as he pounds on the doors of tenants and demands the
rent money (One of Mr. Souilliez's tricks is to collect the rent
money a day before the tenants' welfare checks arrive in the mail.
This way he can charge them a late penalty). Some of the tenants
include: pretty Nina (A.J. Nelson), whose boyfriend has just left her
and taken off with the rent money; burly Satam (Chuck Wiley), who
thrusts a huge hunting knife through the door when Grady comes
a-knocking; an old couple who can barely afford to survive; a couple
of young crackheads; a twenty-something white man who is way out of
his element; and the nearly homeless Max (Isaiah Washington; DEAD
BIRDS - 2004) and his disabled, wheelchair-bound brother
Courtney (Guy Torry), who live in the tenement building's squalid
basement for fifty dollars a month. Max, who is a little slow
in the head and has a thing for Nina, finds the leader of the rats
(a female white rat) caught in a trap and frees it, naming it
"Tara" ("a rat" spelled backwards), after
jokingly saying he's going to name her Ben (this is basically an
urban version of WILLARD -
1971, its sequel BEN - 1972 and was
filmed under the title TARA) and they become fast friends.
Before you know it, Tara is stealing food out of Mr. Souilliez's
apartment and bringing it to a hungry Max and introducing Max to all
her rat friends. While Mr. Souilliez learns the hard way about life
in the tenements (the screams and gunfire at night; getting cold
because the boiler doesn't work; the electricity going on and off),
Tara and her rat pack begi