During one of my bouts of insomnia, I turned on the TV and tuned in to HBO and started watching SEXY BEAST (2000), a crime caper starring Ray Winstone and a physically and verbally abusive Ben Kingsley, giving the performance of his career. You'll forget that he played Gandhi here. Never in my life have I heard the word "cunt" spew relentlessly out of someone's mouth, as Kingsley does here. He's got not one redeemable quality, as he beats up and shouts obscenities at both men and women at his whim and he enjoys it. When he gets his comeuppance at the end of the film, you actually feel relieved. The final 30 seconds of the film, when Kingsley meets the Devil (literally) is such a gut-busting hilarious scene, that it will leaves you howling with laughter for a long time after. Definitely one of the best endings of any movie in recent years.

Hey, I hate to admit it, but I'm a big fan of Steven Seagal. Sure, he's made some stinkers in his career (THE PATRIOT - 1998 and THE GLIMMER MAN - 1996 come to mind), but when he is used in the right vehicle, such as EXIT WOUNDS (2001), he really shines. But even I have to draw the line seeing Seagal in one of Albert Pyun's stinkers called TICKER (2000), a mess of a film about a serial bomber with a grudge. How Pyun also got Dennis Hopper and Tom Sizemore (the Heidi Fleiss-beater) to star in this mish-mash of a film (that also utilizes portions of seven other action films, including WARHEAD [1996], THE PEACEKEEPER [1997] and OCTOPUS [2000], to pad out the running time) will be a mystery that only Sherlock Holmes could solve. Pyun disappeared after making this film and has not been seen in public, due to problems with financiers that he would rather not see again (or so I've heard). Or maybe Seagal saw the final cut and had some of his CIA buddies stop Pyun from ever making another film. This is absolutely the worst film of Seagal's resume. I just saw Seagal's THE FOREIGNER (2003) on the USA Network and OUT FOR A KILL (2003) on DVD and they are bad, but not Pyun bad (Both were directed by THE BREED's [2001] Michael Oblowitz). He's also been vindicated in the Julius R. Nasso court trial as Mr. Nasso has admitted that he and some Mob buddies tried to shake down Seagal for money for every film he makes. My wife thinks I'm crazy, but I like Steven Seagal as an actor. I always thought that your personal life and professional life should be kept separate, something she cannot comprehend. Who cares if his past is "shady" (or that they Photoshop all the wrinkles off his face on the DVD covers)? I sure don't! Everyone has got a skeleton in their closet if you look close enough. For a visual look at all the recent direct-to-video Seagal films, click HERE.

Speaking of the USA Network: Is it me or do they have two of the best series on TV right now? I am talking about MONK, starring the facinating performance of Tony Shalhoub as Adrian Monk, a crack ex-detective who has solved every case except the killing of his wife, giving him an extreme case of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Shalhoub's textured performance has already earned him a Golden Globe and he has been nominated for an Emmy for (believe it or not) best performance in a comedy series (which he has since won!). His acting in this series is not just for comic effect, as his multi-layered portrayal as Monk is funny as well as heartbreaking. I've always admired Shalhoub's talent, dating back to the comedy series WINGS (1990 - 1997) and in movies such as THE SEIGE (1998), THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE (2001), and of course THIR13EN GHOSTS (2001). MONK also contains one of the best supporting casts in a TV series: Bitty Schram as Monk's very patient and outspoken caregiver Sharona (who has since left the series over monetary demands); Ted Levine ("Buffalo Bill" in SILENCE OF THE LAMBS - 1991) as Monk's ex-Captain Stottlemeyer and Jason Gray-Stanford as Lt. Disher, who has a thing for Sharona. This series blows anything away on Network TV. Apparently ABC TV also thought so, and began airing season one repeats in prime-time to decent ratings. I believe this is a first for a Cable TV series to get a showing on Network TV. Usually it's the other way around. The other series I am also talking about is THE DEAD ZONE. It is one of the most intricately plotted TV series on the air today, rivaled, I believe, only by NBC's BOOMTOWN, another criminally-overlooked series currently on the air (Which NBC put on "hiatus" after only 2 episodes in its' second season. They wouldn't know quality if it bit them in the ass.). A grown-up Anthony Michael Hall plays Johnny Smith, who comes out of a five-year coma with powers to see the future by just touching a person or object. The transition effects are excellent and the scriptwriters are to be congratulated for turning a one-dimensional premise into a facinating viewing experience. Several episodes are extremely well-made, evoking emotional responses from the viewer that come quite unexpectedly. The one episode when he touches a woman in a bar and sees a beautiful relationship developing (that he desperately needs, since his fiancee married the town's sheriff when he was in the coma) only to be offset by some intrigue which involves her death, leaves a lump in your throat as he has to make the only decision that keeps everyone out of trouble and leaves him all alone again. Stephen King can be proud of this adaptation of THE DEAD ZONE. These series, along with FX's excellent cop series THE SHIELD, make having cable a must. With all the Reality TV crap being spoon-fed to us on a daily basis, it's good to know that some people still know how to produce something of substance and thought.

I'm sick and tired of buying DVDs and then spending the next half hour removing the "security tape" from the three sides of the package. Trying to remove the stickers without ruining the packaging is a losing proposition. Since all DVDs have a security device placed inside the packaging (you know: that little black or white rectangle glued next to the disk), is there any reason why security tape has to be attached to all three sides? Why not attach it to one side and put it on the outside of the cellophane wrapping? That would make everyone happy. I actually scratched a DVD when trying to remove the sticker from one side as the knife went into the packaging and put a nasty gouge in the disk. Amazon.com would not take it back since the package was opened!!! Another instance had me tearing the cover art because the sticker was attached to it. This happened on the HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES DVD, which has the worst packaging I have ever seen on a DVD. This shit has to stop.

A lot of people have asked me what my favorite films are. Boy, that's a tough one. There are so many films that I enjoy that coming up with a Top 10 List would just make my mind implode. Some films will never be reviewed on this site because they would be considered too "mainstream" or have just been over-reviewed everywhere else. Yes, I admit it: I do watch those blockbusters that are usually cookie-cutter candy for the eyes. Sometimes though, there are some good one out there. I'm a big fan of Michael Bay's ARMAGEDDON (1998). I do find most of Mr. Bay's other efforts to be overblown and overlong, but this one worked for me on an emotional and action level. The critics lambasted it but I found it to be a heart-pounding rollercoaster ride. If you don't cry at the end of this film, you must be a robot or a member of the Taliban. Nobody better diss Bruce Willis around me. I find him to be one of the most diverse actors in films today and I bet 50 years from now, history will bear me out. DIE HARD (1988) and DIE HARD 2 (1990) are two of my favorite big-budget action films. But since this is a web site devoted to non-traditional film fare, I will list some of my favorite obscure films and TV shows of all genres in no particular order:

THE ASPHYX (Creepy and original)	SATAN'S CHILDREN (Must be seen!)	THE RAPTURE (God's revenge is sweet)
DIRTY MARY CRAZY LARRY (Best downbeat end)	BLOOD FREAK(S) (Best badfilm ever!)	RE-ANIMATOR (An absolute original)
DON'T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT (70's classic)	PHANTASM (Not the sequels)	DAY OF THE DEAD (Highly underrated)
HITZ (Weirdness to the extreme)	HARDGORE (Porn horror to the extreme)	DUNGEON OF HARROW (60's classic)
MEN OF WAR (Give it a try)	EQUINOX (Best student film)	RAW FORCE (Extreme martial arts/gore)
DEATH WISH CLUB (Perverse horror tale)	WENDIGO (It hit me in the gut)	MESSIAH OF EVIL (Creepy!)
THE OUTER LIMITS TV SERIES (Both Series)	NO CONTEST (Great action film)	BEST MEN (Great cast, great plot)
THE PROPHECY (1995) (Forget the sequels)	INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS (70's best)	CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE (VC cannibals)
DEAD BANG (Don Johnson puking!)	HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES (More, please!)	I DRINK YOUR BLOOD (I love rabies!)
HONEYMOON KILLERS (B&W masterpiece)	FREEWAY (Freaky thriller)	BLOODRAGE (Scuzziest film ever!)
NIGHT OF THE DEMON (1979) (Penis yanking!)	ROAD-KILL (Best low-budget serial killer)	THE SALTON SEA (A thrill to watch)
PUMPKINHEAD (Unjustly ignored horror yarn)	ALABAMA'S GHOST (Weirdest PG film)	GODMONSTER OF INDIAN FLATS
MILLENNIUM TV SERIES (I hear horses)	THE RESURRECTED (Best H.P. Lovecraft)	THE PACK (Best rabid dog film)
THE X-FILES TV SERIES (First 4 Seasons)	RETROACTIVE (Best time travel tale)	OVER THE EDGE (Best teen angst film)
RUNAWAY TRAIN (Best existential action)	BLIND FURY (Rutger Hauer's best film)	DEADMATE (Best necrophilia film)
DRIVE (Best non-Hong Kong action comedy)	ROLLING THUNDER (Best 70's revenge)	KING OF THE ANTS (Brutal!)

I will be adding more films to the list as they come to my mind. I'm sure that there's many of you out there that will disagree with my list. Email me here with your list and I will put it on a page created especially for the readers.

Here's my take on the new TV series premiering for the 2003 - 2004 season: Don't waste your time. Besides the highly-weird and surreal CARNIVALE on HBO (Think David Lynch on crack during the Depression-era 30's starring the under-appreciated Clea DuVall and the always-welcome Michael J. Anderson), TV pretty much stinks this year. The only slight standouts are the Jerry Bruckheimer executive-produced COLD CASE, due to the excellent acting talents of star Kathryn Morris and the prudent direction of Mark Pellington (THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES) in the pilot episode (and great use of CCR's song "Have You Ever Seen The Rain"  which packs and emotional gut-punch in the pilot finale) and the series premiere of JOAN OF ARCADIA, starring Russ Tamblyn's talented daughter Amber Tamblyn as teenager Joan who has a direct connection with God, who needs her for some unknown reason and sends her on tasks that she does not understand. It also stars the late John Ritter's son Jason Ritter as Joan's wheelchair-bound brother. While the pilot episode had the outlandish plot going for it, subsequent episodes have been lacking and have turned somewhat preachy. If I want preachy, I'll watch Clancy Brown as the fire-and-brimstone priest on CARNIVALE. Most of the other new series are CSI  or LAW & ORDER wannabes. Between that and all the reality-based series on the air, this has to be the worst year for TV ever. While I still watch N.Y.P.D. BLUE and WITHOUT A TRACE without fail, I find myself watching more and more DVDs and videos, which can only be good for this site. It's no wonder that more and more people are watching Cable TV and staying away from the Networks.

It's nice to see that the new version of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003) has something in common with the original: They are both narrated by actor John Larroquette. John got an early start doing narration on the opening of the original 1974 version and has become a star in his own right. It's great that he has not forgotten his roots and has done the same for the remake (I'm also sure they paid him well for his services). That's also John you hear narrating the TV trailers for the film. Just a bit of useless trivia that tickled my funnybone.

I recently bought the DVD of JEEPERS CREEPERS 2 (2003) and, while I thought it was OK (the original JEEPERS CREEPERS [2001] was much better and actually improves on repeated viewings, even if my wife hates this film with all her heart for reasons I will never understand), I was actually creeped out by what was shown on the screen of a non-scary nature. As everyone probably knows by now, director Victor Salva is a convicted sex offender (a 13 year-old boy performed oral sex on Salva while he was making his first film CLOWNHOUSE [1988], the act which Salva videotaped and received 15 months in jail). On this film the camera lovingly lingers on the naked torsos of a suntanning male basketball team, whose bus has broken down in the middle of nowhere, the fodder for the Creeper. I could just imagine Salva getting excited filming these scenes and it made my stomach turn. There's also an extra on the DVD called "A Day In Hell" where the camera follows the extremely overweight Salva on a typical day of shooting the film, hugging his male actors after a particularly tough day of shooting. Ugh! Don't get me wrong. I actually like a lot of Salva's films (his NATURE OF THE BEAST [1995] is a really good thriller and POWDER [also 1995] is an underrated gem), but he should not be able to be around young boys at all. I know he's served his time and he's probably learned his lesson, but statistics show that sex offenders are 72% more likely to repeat their crimes than any other criminal act. That's why there's a national sex offenders database.

I admit it: I'm an eBayer. I buy hard to find videos on eBay and transfer them to DVD-R's for posterity's sake. Let me tell you about one experience: I won an auction for HEARTBREAK MOTEL, a retitled version of POOR PRETTY EDDIE (1973; a.k.a. REDNECK COUNTY; MASSACRE AT REDNECK COUNTY), a drive-in classic directed by Richard Robinson that I remember seeing in theaters under the misleading title BLACK VENGEANCE (to cash in on the blaxploitation fad at the time). Confused yet? This sleazy little gem concerns a famous black singer (Leslie Uggams) getting stuck in some southern backwater town after her Mercedes breaks down. There she meets Eddie (Michael Christian), alcoholic ex-stripper Shelley Winters (!) and real trouble begins. Eddie is an aspiring singer and recognizes Leslie and takes a shining to her, raping her repeatedly and making her take pictures of him in his Elvis jumpsuit and guitar. Leslie is degraded repeatedly by the townsfolk (including Slim Pickens and Dub Taylor) until a shocking and violent ending where Eddie is shotgunned by Leslie when he tries to marry her with the whole town present. The only problem is that HEARTBREAK MOTEL is a total retooling of the original film (probably made for TV consumption since the original film could never be shown on regular TV at the time). It seems that in 1978 director David Worth (who photographed the original and may have helped Robinson direct some scenes) re-edited the film (adding some outtakes from the original film), cut out all the nudity, sex and violence and completely changed the ending. Eddie lives, Leslie escapes and everyone lives happily ever after as if nothing ever happened. Missing is the scene of Eddie raping Leslie while the film intercuts to two dog screwing. The entire shotgun scene is missing and scenes are shuffled around to the point of the film making no sense. All the violence is completely gone, as is the scene where Eddie serves a breakfast made of freshly-butchered dog. Eddie is made to look like a helpless loser rather than the psychopath that he was in the original film. David Worth takes directorial credit and Richard Robinson is credited as "Director of Production". Avoid this bastardized version at all costs. It's not worth your time and effort. The box to the VidAmerica VHS video even has the gall to show Shelley Winters holding the bloody dying Eddie in her arms! Buyer beware! NOTE: Boutique label Cultra released POOR PRETTY EDDIE in its original form and aspect ratio in 2011 in a DVD/Blu-Ray combo pack. It's not a very good transfer, but I don't believe we will see the film look any better.

Another film that holds the distinction of being in two different versions is director John M. Grissmer's BLOOD RAGE (1984). It's a bloody, if somewhat routine, slasher flick distinguished by some extreme outputs of gore and the overacting abilities of Louise Lasser. It's released under that title on the Prism Entertainment label. During the late 80's and early 90's it was released to pay cable under the title NIGHTMARE AT SHADOW WOODS. Some of the scenes are shuffled around and all of the gore is missing! What remains is a hodgepodge of scenes that lead nowhere and murders that cut away when the gore is about to be displayed. I ask all of you out there: WHAT'S THE POINT? It's like watching a porn film missing all the "money shots". If I want that, I'll subscribe to the SPICE network!

THE CIRCLE OF THE MORAL MAJORITY DEPT.: It used to be that violence would bring the downfall of our society. When FRIDAY THE 13TH came out and showed us that violence could be a big moneymaker, the Christian right-wing lobbied to stop showing extreme violence in films and TV or suffer their wrath. Well, the movie and television industries listened (they didn't want to lose any advertising dollars) and most of the horror films released in the mid-80's were either chopped to hell for an R-Rating or released Unrated (a death knell to most theaters). Most of the FRIDAY THE 13TH sequels were edited down to the point of being unwatchable (Remember Part 7?). Things calmed down in the mid-90's and violence was again accepted (as long as it was tastefully done). Now that Janet Jackson bared her nipple in a "wardrobe malfunction" for one second on the Super Bowl halftime show, these same right-wing do-gooders are now doing to sex what they did to violence in the 80's. What was accepted for the past several years on TV  and radio is now considered obscene as we witnessed a darkening of a sex scene on NYPD BLUE, a scene of an 80 year-old woman's breast was excised on ER and Howard Stern was kicked off of six Clear Channel radio stations. I'm not a big fan of Stern's, but it digusts me that an individual at this time cannot make up their own mind what they consider acceptable and unacceptable. The FCC will be imposing fines that will put many people out of business and dictate what you and I watch and hear. What's next? Offensive smells? (Oops, sorry I farted, here's $750,000 to ease your pain and suffering.) It's just another instance of the government buckling under the pressure of religious fanatics and caving-in to their every demand. It's funny that these same people do not have a problem with Mel Gibson's THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST, one of the bloodiest R-Rated films ever made but, since it is about religion, it's considered a must-see for adults and children alike.  This double standard has got to stop. Whatever happened to freedom of choice? The Bush Administration has time and time again made it clear that they don't care about individual's rights. They would rather keep you stupid and misinformed; all the better to control what you see and hear. Voice your displeasure the next time you vote. You do vote, don't you? UPDATE: READ THIS - WASHINGTON - Faced with public ire over racy language, explicit scenes and skin-baring outfits, the Senate overwhelmingly agreed on Tuesday (June 22, 2004) to fine radio and television broadcasters and personalities as much as $3 million a day for airing indecent entertainment. After the uproar stoked by Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake's "wardrobe malfunction" at this year's Super Bowl, the Senate rushed the bill through on a 99-1 vote without floor debate. GOP Sen. Sam Brownback of Kansas said the issue had been debated enough. Lawmakers have continually criticized broadcasters for airing what they say is increasingly coarse programming that can be seen or heard by children. "People are tired of this indecent material on over-the-air public broadcast, particularly during prime time when people's families are watching," said Brownback, the bill's sponsor. "We're going to have to take action because the broadcasters won't police themselves." Under the measure, the maximum fine for both broadcasters and entertainers would increase to up to $275,000 per indecent incident, up from $27,500 for license holders and $11,000 for personalities. The fines would keep increasing for each incident until a maximum fine of $3 million a day is reached. The House passed a similar bill that would set fines at $500,000. Differences between the two bills must be worked out. The Senate moved the measure without debate as part of the massive defense bill expected to be approved later this week. The only senator to vote against the measure was Sen. John Breaux, D-La. Breaux said he opposed the bill partly because "it deals with communications and media issues and should not have been attached to a national security and defense bill." Federal law and FCC rules prohibit over-the-air radio and television stations from airing offensive material that refers to sexual and excretory functions between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m., hours when children are more likely to be tuned in. No such restrictions exist for cable and satellite TV or satellite radio. The FCC currently has no power to regulate those channels, which are available through subscription to the 85 percent of the 108.4 million U.S. households with televisions. Introduced in January, after FCC Chairman Michael Powell demanded higher fines, the bill wound up on a fast track to passage after the Feb. 1 Super Bowl halftime show that ended with Timberlake partially exposing Jackson's breast for an instant to 90 million viewers. The incident generated more than 500,000 complaints to the FCC. If the legislation isn't approved as part of the bill to authorize spending for the Defense Department, Brownback said he would try to find another way to get it through the Senate. "This is something the public wants," he said. IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR VOTE DOESN'T COUNT, DOES IT? Unless you suffer from dementia or Alzheimer's you must know that your rights are being chipped away a small piece at a time until one day you will wake up and find out that you have no rights at all. Government is weaseling its' way more and more into our personal lives, treading where they have no business being in the first place. President Bush has no problem joining the Church and State together to get his way. Too many of his mandates have bypassed normal legislative procedures. He cites that during "wartime", these steps have to be taken to ensure our safety. Who does he thing he's kidding? Why do you think Michael Moore's FAHRENHEIT 9/11 got an R Rating instead of a PG-13? Could it have something to do with Jack Valenti (of the infamous MPAA) and his ties to the Presidency? Thank God Valenti is retiring, but who knows who is going to take his place? (Turns out it's Dan Glickman, former Agriculture Secretary under President Clinton!?! His son is Jonathan Glickman, producer of SHANGHAI KNIGHTS and RUSH HOUR 1 & 2 and other PG-13 rated films.) Stay tuned as this drama plays out.

ALIEN VS. PREDATOR is rated PG-13!!!! Why the hell bother? Since all the previous Alien and Predator films have been rated R, this just proves that major film studios are pandering to the mass market to get the most bang for their buck: the teenagers. Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against teenagers. I was one once. But when I was one in the 70's I had no problem getting into R-rated films and I had my parents' blessing. Today, it's nearly impossible for a teen to get into an R-rated film without being accompanied by an adult or by having their parent sign a card giving their kid permission to go to one (which some theatre chains now do and I compliment them). I've read recently in the papers that some right-wing group has said that PG-13 films today are the equivalent of R-rated films of the late 80's and early 90's. While that may be true (that period of time is when Tipper Gore went on a rampage trying to label everything to "protect our children" and basically succeeded), it does not apply to the R-rated exploitation films of the 70's and early 80's. I'll even bet that if AVP were released in the fall or winter instead of summertime, the film would have been shot to get an R-rating. Let's face it: Summertime is for children and we adults are left out in the cold. We have to wait for them to go back to school to get what we need. MORE BAD NEWS: The DVD released on 01/25/05 is still the PG-13 rated version. It does have an alternate beginning and some lame deleted scenes, but they are not incorporated in the film and have to be watched separately. C'mon! It must have been shot with some R-rated scenes. Director Paul W.S. Anderson is no stranger to the R territory, directing such films as EVENT HORIZON (1997), SOLDIER (1998) and RESIDENT EVIL (2002). Isn't that the point of DVDs, adding the extras and incorporating the cut footage back into the film? UPDATE: A new DVD has been released on 11/29/05 with an unrated edition. I'm sick and tired of buying a DVD and then a few months to a year later having another edition of the film released. The same thing happened with SAW. It was released in an unrated edition when SAW II was released to theaters. Just another way for the huge production companies to squeeze every penny out of a film. I refuse to buy a film twice unless there is something substantial to be had.

I'm getting sick and tired of TV stations squeezing the end credits of series and movies so they can show even more promos. You see it everywhere, as the credits are shrunk on the top half, bottom half, left side or right side of the screen to make way for more inane previews of upcoming shows (that give away vital plot points!). It's even worse when they show movies. The end credits speed by so quickly that they are unreadable. This is a total disservice to all those responsible for putting shows and films together as a cohesive whole. What really gets me riled though, is that pay cable is now doing the same thing. If I'm paying a monthly charge to watch movies "uncut and unedited", I expect to see them that way. I don't want to see station identification logos onscreen (like Showtime does), squeezed end credits (most pay cable stations do this now, but Starz and Encore are the main offenders) or making-of featurettes shown during the end credits (HBO, Starz and Encore). They supposedly do this to "stop illegal distribution of copyrighted films", but come'on: Do the sins of the few have to affect the many? This is corporate greed, plain and simple. Write to the stations and tell them to stop this practice. Don't get me started on the practice of showing commercials in theatres: I recently went to see THE FORGOTTEN (2004) at an AMC Theatre and had to sit through 15 minutes of commercials. Not trailers, mind you, but COMMERCIALS! Ads for Coke, Hewlett-Packard, Chrysler and other companies blared on the big screen. The only difference between here and home is that they had a captive audience that couldn't press the channel button on the remote control. I may just stop going to theatres and wait for the DVD release but I'm sure that they'll invade that format (if they haven't already done so) very soon. This shit has got to stop!

I usually don't review films that are shown on TV with commercials, but I have to say something about the movie FRANKENFISH (2004), which made its debut on the SCI-FI Channel on October 9, 2004. With a title like that, you would think that it would be a comedy but that couldn't be farther from the truth. It was one of the bloodiest things that I ever saw on basic cable and that's saying a lot. It starts out rather slowly, allowing characters to be introduced and supplying a little background. Then about at the halfway mark people begin to get slaughtered by the giant land-walking fish (actually mutated Chinese Snakeheads). It's a sight to behold. Richard Edson (playing a pot-smoking nudist) gets his head bitten off.  Another gets bitten in half while climbing a ladder. Still another gets thrown into the spinning blades of an air boat. But the most surprising bit of violence comes when China Chow, playing a main character and sidekick to medical examiner Tory Kittles, gets half her face blown off by an errant shotgun blast. It comes as quite a shock and is alone worth watching this film. Director Mark A.Z. Dippe (SPAWN - 1997) fills the film with quirky character actors, including genre film stalwarts Muse Watson, Mark Boone Junior, Tomas Arana and Raoul Trujillo and some good location work. It does rely a little too much on CGI, but not knowing if another major character is going to be killed off more than makes up for it's shortcomings. There definitely was some editing done on SCI-FI's behalf, so wait until it comes out on DVD (about 2 weeks after it's TV premiere). This film is better than most of the junk that makes their debut on  SCI-FI, including the similarly-themed SNAKEHEAD TERROR (2003).

I give ABC-TV a lot of credit for showing Steven Speilberg's SAVING PRIVATE RYAN uncut and unedited (with limited commercial interruptions) on Veterans Day 2004. Since Speilberg would only let this film be screened on TV that way (this is the third time it was shown on TV this way), I guess it shows how much clout he has when it comes to showing his films on TV. It's probably the best depiction of war ever made for film (especially the first 25 minutes, a cinema verite of sudden death, bloody water, spilled guts and body parts). What really chaps my ass is that the ABC-TV affiliates down South in the Bible-Belt, George Bush-loving States refused to show the film due to it's coarse language (none of the "fucks" were bleeped out and all of the salty language was intact). Citing fear of the FCC, these affiliates refused to show the film, instead putting on RETURN TO MAYBERRY in it's place! This is a slap in the face to all Veterans who served in Wars. Soldiers were known to use rough language and Speilberg was not afraid to play it straight. All the Veterans of War that I talked to agreed that RYAN is one of the finest depictions of the experience of being in the middle of a confrontation ever depicted on celluloid. To these Southern State politicians and business big-wigs I only have one thing to say: "Welcome to the 21st Century. There is no more racial discrimination (except in Texas, where they love to drag Black men behind pickup trucks), people are dying every day in a War we have no business being in (except to protect our oil interests) and TV is not the root of all evil. People are the root of all evil and it's your backwards-thinking that delays the progress of mankind. Thanks to you, we will have four more years of religious fervor and needless casualties. Get your heads out of your asses and think straight for a change. When we say, 'God Bless America', we're not saying 'Screw Everyone Else'. Please wise up before before it's too late." I'm not knocking the good citizens of these States, even if you did give Bush four more years to rule the roost. I don't think I'm being paranoid.  I just can't seem to get my mind around how people can be so easily manipulated, even when there's evidence out there to put most of the major politicians behind bars or at least out of office. Why do you think that a lot of Bush's cabinet members jumped ship after he was re-elected? I think conscience had a lot to do with it. I've lost all confidence in our voting system.

Here's my take on the 2004 -2005 TV Season so far: LOST is the best new show this year, period! There's nothing better than watching this show about 47 people stranded on a mysterious island after a plane crash and learning about their lives in the backstories that truly twist and turn. The episode about John Locke's (Terry O'Quinn) backstory ("Walkabout") was a stunner and opened a whole new can of worms about what this island really is. The producer, J.J. Abrams, who also created ALIAS (a show I was never able to get 'in' to) and directed the magnificent 2 hour pilot, has crafted a show about duality. Just when  you think you get to know a character something surprising turns up which makes you take a 180 degree turn. This is what great television is supposed to be. It could have been hokey, but it grips you and pulls you in. I just wish that they would open the hatch already! Other observations: Charles Durning should win an Emmy for Best Supporting Guest Star on the series NCIS (formerly NAVY NCIS). His portrayal as a confused WWII Medal of Honor winner who turns himself in for murdering his best friend during the War is a heartbreaking, warm and funny performance of an old man slowly losing his mind because everyone he once knew is now dead. Cudos also to Mark Harmon as the caffeine-addicted head of this NCIS investigative group, a no-nonsense boss but is loyal when it counts. A shout-out to Poppy Montgomery for her excellent acting in the two-part WITHOUT A TRACE episode dealing with a missing girl. We got to know a lot about her character in these episodes which makes us appreciate her humanity and fallability. An Emmy to her also. And what about the season-opener of THIRD WATCH? It was one of the most exciting and nerve-wracking episodes ever as the seige of the hospital by Gene Simmon's hired goons resulted in so many gunshots and one spine-tingling knife fight and an ending that more than satisfies (who wouldn't want to see Simmons shot dead while handcuffed and fall into a pool?). Since this is the series last season, you can be sure that major characters will die. The TV season is still young (I'm writing this in early December 2004), so I'm looking for more great things in the near future. HOUSE M.D. is also a promising show (already renewed for a second season) and Hugh Laurie's performance as the caustic and Vicodin-popping title character is amusing as well as surprising. Also, enough with the CSI spinoffs. I know that they are big money makers for CBS, but the newest one, CSI N.Y., is so dark and dreary that I get depressed watching it. It is interesting to note that Deran Serafian, who got his start starring in movies such as ZOMBI 3 and directing such low-brow films as ALIEN PREDATOR(S) (1985) and INTERZONE, is producing this series and directed the pilot. Having Gary Sinise's wife die in the World Trade Center disaster to me was in bad taste and panders to the lowest-common denominator. Future episodes so far have steered clear of this plot point, but the series is shot so dark that it is sometimes hard to see what's going on. Even TV GUIDE backs me up on this. (NOTE: As of writing this it has lightened-up quite a bit, even injecting some humor into the proceedings.) Speaking of TV GUIDE: Have you noticed how they have scaled waaaay back on their late night and morning TV listings? It's impossible for us insomniacs to find out whats playing after midnight using it. Their 'BIG MOVIE GUIDE' at the back of the zine is a farce as they break down films by category. Since when is ALLIGATOR (1980) or ALLIGATOR II: THE MUTATION (1990) considered dramas? Shouldn't it be in the horror section? Flubs like this abound every week and I have come to depend on my Sunday newspaper's TV pullout for more detailed info on movies and shows. TV GUIDE has turned from an essential object to an impulse buy if the cover strikes me. They seem more interested in theatrical movies than TV anyway. Bad move! Just beginning to watch MEDIUM and while some of the plots are kind of shop-worn, I do like the interplay between Patricia Arquette and Jake Weber, who play the psychic wife and rocket scientist (seriously!) husband. Based on the life of a real person, there are some "aha!" moments to be had here, as her visions are not always correct and can be misinterpreted. The menu scene at the finale of the second episode is one such moment, although some people just will not get it and scratch their heads. I like shows like that. It is getting better as it progresses though, as the episode where her soldier brother comes back from Iraq and has the sight just like she has. The scene in the hospital where Arquette wears headphones to drown out the dead people asking her for help chilled me to the bone. It grabbed enough viewers to already be renewed for a second season and have 3 additional episodes filmed for this season. Just saw the first 2 episodes of NUMB3RS and it doesn't impress me, even though Ridley and Tony Scott are involved in it. Trying to make mathematics sexy just doesn't cut it for me. It tries hard (maybe too hard) to surprise the viewer. Good actors involved in routine CSI-like scripts. LAW & ORDER: TRIAL BY JURY (the fourth series in the franchise) is actually a good series that shows what the other three don't. If you have ever served on a Grand Jury, you will know that it actually happens as they show it on the series. Since the regretful and sad death of co-star Jerry Orbach (who filmed two episodes before he died), the series still shines, even if it is put in the unwanted 10:00 PM Friday slot (against NUMB3RS). As of May 2005, NBC has announced that it will not be back next season. Scripted TV is back, baby! R.I.P. Reality TV!

Whew! I just got done watching the 17 film JAMES BOND MARATHON (The Pierce Brosnan films were excluded) on the ENCORE Network the weekend of January 14 - 16, 2005 and my eyes and brain are really tired. I did find much satisfaction as well as some downsides to this marathon. I know that I'm in the minority, but my favorite is still ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969). It still packs the most emotional punch and contains some of the best action sequences of any Bond film. George Lazenby is more than adequate as Bond (I would have liked to see him do more films) and Diana Rigg's death is still the most shocking scene in any Bond film.  I'm not knocking Sean Connery (who in my opinion reached his pinnacle in GOLDFINGER - 1964). Without him there would be no James Bond. His early films as Bond showcased him as a mean mother who wasn't too good to bitch-slap or arm-twist a woman for giving him a wrong answer and was shown as a cold-blooded killer. As the films progressed, the films got jokier and gadget-laden (not always a bad thing) and Roger Moore's films were the chief offenders. Don't get me wrong, they're all good films, better than 90% of the films being made at the time. Again, I may be in the minority but I find Moore's FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981) to be his best Bond film. Although Timothy Dalton did only two Bond films, LICENCE TO KILL (1989) is a kick-ass action film which brings Bond back to the angry man that he once was. It's the only Bond film where he's not on assignment and everything is personal (Felix Leiter [David Hedison] and his bride are fed to the sharks and Felix survives barely). He was one mean son-of-a-bitch (the first Bond film to get a PG-13 rating) and it ended the marathon perfectly. Another tidbit that I really liked was Bruce Glover's portrayal as one of a pair of gay killers in DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER (1971). The look on his face as he was thrown overboard on the ship in the finale was priceless. One can see where his son Crispin Glover gets his unusual acting style. On the downside, all the films shown were not in letterbox (except for the credits), they showed the bastard stepchild NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN (1983) which doesn't have a place in this canon (the original version had Connery passing Timothy Dalton in the casino and winking at each other, but MGM cut the scene when they bought the picture), and Encore has the habit of putting those annoying bits of self-promotion at the end title sequences, squeezing them to the point of being unreadable. (Now Encore and Starz put their logo at the bottom right of every movie they show! This is complete bullshit! It's distracting and an insult to the filmmakers.) Unexcusable for a pay cable network. Still, all-in-all, I had a great time watching these films uncut (ABC TV used to cut these films to shreds and digitally added bras and panties to some of the "Bond Girls" as well as excising some of the violence and completely shuffling some scenes around, especially on MAJESTY) and bringing back memories of me as a kid going to the drive-in with my parents to watch these films. Now, I need to get some sleep! NOTE: Some later showings of these films on ENCORE were in fact shown in the widescreen format. They just didn't advertise it. With the advent of DVD and widescreen, why would anyone want to watch a fullscreen version if they had a choice? It's just plain ignorance!

Since August of 2003, I have been turning my entire collection of VHS tapes into the DVD-R format. Here's a hint. Don't skimp when it comes to what type of DVD-Rs you buy. I started out using the ones that CompUSA sells under their own brand name since they were cheap. Well, after nearly two years of converting the tapes, I have come to find out that these DVD-Rs are already beginning to deteriorate and are unusable. Nearly 600 DVD-Rs have to be redone. Do you know how long that is going to take me? Nearly two years! Buy the more expensive brands made by Sony, TDK or Verbatim. Lesson learned.

QUOTES FROM TV SHOWS THAT WILL NEVER BE SHOWN IN TV GUIDE:

*"Ow! My snatch!" - Calamity Jane (Robin Weigert) on HBO's DEADWOOD as she sits down in a long-needed hot bath.
*"You have seven kinds of cockbreath" - Joanie (Kim Dickens). to one of her whores, as they prepare to go to a funeral on DEADWOOD.
*"I bet if the price is right, you would let men piss and shit on you." - Councilman Aceveda (Benito Martinez) to a high-priced hooker he's been seeing on the side on FX's THE SHIELD.
*Dr. Cameron (Jennifer Morrison): "Men should grow up." 
Dr. Gregory House (Hugh Laurie): "Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen." (From HOUSE M.D.).
*David (Michael C. Hall): "Do you have any respect for human life whatsoever?"
Nate (Peter Krause): "I have a HUGE respect for human life, I just didn't know they could take a dump when they're dead!" (From SIX FEET UNDER).
*"Eatin' ain't cheatin'." - Shane (Walt Goggins) to Vic (Michael Chiklis) after failing the question, "Did you ever have an affair?" on a lie dectector test. (From THE SHIELD).

BEST SERIES FINALE SINCE M*A*S*H: The final episode of SIX FEET UNDER was exceptional television. It was written and directed by series creator Alan Ball with a fondness for the characters and how they function as a family unit. The final fifteen minutes will leave you absolutely flabbergasted as we find out the fate of all the series regulars in the future. Especially horrific was the death of Keith, killed by a gunman's bullets while robbing his armored car in 2025. Even though the series faltered the past two seasons, after the death of Nate (Peter Krauss), the series went back to its' prime. A perfect ending to a groundbreaking series.

I've nearly completed re-recording all my VHS tapes to DVD-R. Here's a word of advice: If you put a label on them, they may play well in your DVD player but make it nearly impossible to make copies from a computer DVD recorder. The label somehow makes the DVD-R too thick to read and errors occur when trying to duplicate them. Get yourself a good DVD marker and write the name of the title on the DVD instead of putting a label on it. You will thank me later on. I have three different brands of DVD recorders on my computers, so this phenomenon is not dependent on just one brand. I can't tell you how many hours it took me to finally get my collection back to normal. Lots of lost sleep and lots and lots of cursing.

I'm just beginning to watch the 2005 - 2006 TV season shows and nothing substantially new has caught my eye. The pilot for the update of THE NIGHT STALKER (which ABC hasn't even bothered to release any advertising material besides the www.carlkolchak.com website, which has since been dismantled) was pedestrian at best. Hopefully the storylines will get better (ABC has since cancelled production on the series and quit showing the episodes after televising Part 1 of a two-part episode. They will not be showing Part 2. The Sci-Fi Channel has picked up the entire 11 episodes for showing in the Summer of 2006 and a DVD box set will be released May 30, 2006.). There's also too many alien invasion shows this season, including THRESHOLD (since cancelled), INVASION and SURFACE (also cancelled). The only one that I think will survive is INVASION since it has the prime time slot right after LOST (It did run a full season but was not picked-up for a second). The rest of the new shows are again more CSI-wannabees and are beginning to get grosser and gorier with shows such as CRIMINAL MINDS, WANTED, KILLER INSTINCT and others (the only one to get a second season pick-up was MINDS). BONES stands the biggest chance of succeeding because it leads into the critical darling HOUSE and it has great chemistry between David Boreanaz and Emily Deschanel (and it was given a new time slot as well as the green light for a second season). I'm glad that Patricia Arquette won an Emmy for best actress in a drama for MEDIUM, but the award should have went to Glenn Close for her riveting portrayal as a tough as nails cop on THE SHIELD. Too bad she will not be back next season (although Forest Whitaker does make a cool and creepy replacement as the Internal Affairs officer with a hard-on for Vic). I'm also glad that LOST won the Emmy as best drama series. This show has so many layers that each episode demands to be seen more than once. Get the DVD for Season 1 to see what I mean. The opening episode for Season 2 answered a lot of questions (at least for me), but also added more questions to the mix. I would advise first-time viewers get the DVD so they can enjoy Season 2. I still don't get the buzz on DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. I find it overblown and totally unreal. Maybe that's why people like it. It gives them a look at people the way they would like to be. It's just not my cup of tea. Oh, and let's not forget William Shatner. I think it's great that he won an Emmy for his portrayal of Denny Crane on BOSTON LEGAL. He finally got people to notice that he could act! Alas, Charles Durning did not win an Emmy as guest actor on NCIS. It went to Ray Liotta for playing a drunk on E.R.. Just proves my point: Play a drunk, a mentally handicapped person or a religious zealot and you are guaranteed an Emmy (not to mention an Oscar). Who came up with the idea for the TV series GHOST WHISPERER? Didn't Robert Redford do the same thing for horses? I predict that it will not last that long (I'm wrong. It was picked up for a full season.). The biggest surprise of the Summer of 2005 was TNT's THE CLOSER. I predict that Kyra Sedgwick  will win an Emmy as best actress in a drama series next year. She was fantastic as the transplanted Southerner (with a load of emotional baggage and a secret sweet tooth) who heads of a squad of detectives in L.A.. Her politeness speaks volumes in her delivery. If TNT decides to show the first season again any time soon, I suggest that you watch it. It was probably the best new series of 2005. One last thing: Let's get Lance Henriksen back to TV. I've been watching the DVD releases of all 3 seasons of MILLENNIUM and nearly forgot what an intense actor he is. With the right vehicle, Mr. Henriksen could once again shine on TV. Better yet, just bring back MILLENNIUM!  NOTE: The new "thing" on TV is to kill off major characters on drama series. Ex-President Palmer, Michelle, Tony and Edgar were all killed on 24. Lem was killed on THE SHIELD (he went out with a bang!). A few major characters have been killed-off on LOST. Aisha Tyler's character was wasted on the season finale of GHOST WHISPERER (the only true piece of twisted plotting on this series). Horatio Caine's (David Caruso) new wife was shot to death on CSI: MIAMI (they had another cast member killed off the season before). Annabeth Chase's (Jennifer Finnegan) husband was killed in a car accident in the season finale of CLOSE TO HOME. Kate (Sasha Alexander) was shot in the head by sniper Ari on NCIS. And, if anyone cares, Mischa Barton was killed-off on THE O.C. (I really couldn't give a crap). I'm sure I forgot to mention other series that have done the same thing this year. Why this new trend (it's not exactly new, since the news of Henry Blake's death on M*A*S*H in the 70s, but now it has really blossomed)? I think it's the production companys way of telling the stars that they are replacable when their salary raises come due. Not a bad power tactic if you ask me. Think about it: Is any star worth 5 to 20 million dollars a year? Another reason is to increase the ratings during sweeps months. In any case, some of the deaths were truly unexpected and others just seemed to be put there for shock value. If this continues, all the new series will be occupied by people created with CGI software. NOTE #2: In what may be the most boneheaded move in recent television history, NBC has bumped MEDIUM to a mid-season show for the 2006 - 2007 season, replacing it with the new Adam Sorkin-scripted show starring Matthew Perry. That's right, the powers-that-be at NBC decided to replace an Emmy-winng show with another show they have "total faith" in. It was scheduled to originally appear on Thursdays at 9:00 PM, but they took a look at what they were going up against (CSI and GREY'S ANATOMY) and switched it to Mondays at 10:00 PM. That doesn't sound like total faith to me. It reeks of desperation. I just hope Sorkin doesn't get caught with cocaine and mushrooms again. Then again, maybe I do. MEDIUM doesn't deserve this kind of treatment. Write or email NBC and tell them so.

Here it is Halloween Night, October 31, 2005 (my favorite night of the year) and not one kid has come to my door! When I was a kid (many years ago), Halloween was a time of celebration, a night to go out with your friends and get as much candy as you could. Nowadays, parents are scared to let their kids go out and get candy from strangers, being that everyone that they don't know must be a pervert or pedophile. When I was a kid, parents didn't worry about such things. We used to walk for blocks and blocks, knocking on every door and getting candy from nearly every house that we came to (some even gave us money!). Parents need to lighten up a little bit today and let their kids go out on Halloween, even if one of them must chaperone a group. Kids today don't know what they're missing and I blame the overworked, undereducated (in a worldly sense) parents who would rather trust the daily newscast than let their kids go out and have a good night. All the news reports focus on the few bad apples in the bunch and not the decent, law-abiding people who love children coming to their door to see their get-ups. Halloween today is basically an adult holiday, as more mature people dress up in scary and imaginative costumes than kids do. And they have some wild parties! Do you know what I did with all the candy I bought this year? I went to a neighbor's house and gave it all to their kids. You should have saw the smile on their faces. Isn't that what Halloween is all about? (At least in modern-time terms. In ancient times it was totally different.)

A big shout out to Mike Decker and his outfit, Just For The Hell Of It Video. He's an old friend from way back who has been running this service for many, many years. He's finally on the web (www.j4hi.com) and I encourange everyone who is looking for rare and out of circulation films to check out his site and buy them on DVD-R for a measly 20 bucks. You can also use PayPal, which is really convenient. He keeps updating the site, so check back often for new rare releases. Keep up the good work, Mike!

Did anyone else notice Gene Barry and Ann Robinson's cameos as the Grandparents at the end of Steven Spielberg's WAR OF THE WORLDS (2005)? It's a blink-and-you'll miss it moment that deserves a rewind just to see it again. While I found Spielberg's version lacking in the tension and inspirational ending of the 1953 original (despite Morgan Freeman's excellent off-screen narration), I do appreciate the inclusion of Barry and Robinson for those of us who fondly remember the original. Tom Cruise, despite his Scientology and Katie Holmes rants, is good here as a father who needs to learn a few thing about kids and fatherhood. The effects are good and the situations scary, but what the Hell was Spielberg thinking when he put in the Tim Robbins character? He's totally out of place and out of his mind. To have Cruise kill him in order to survive totally changes the tone of the film. This is definitely not one of Spielberg's best, on par with ALWAYS (1989) and AI: ARTIFICIAL INTELLEGENCE (2001).

WARNING: There's a bunch of DVDs released under the title TALES OF VOODOO put out by VideoAsia/Ventura Distribution. So far there are 5 different volumes each containing two films. Volume 3 contains a film called DEVIL'S EXPRESS (1975), which I thought was the Warhawk Tanzania-starrer also known as GANG WARS (the one about the ancient Chinese demon in the NYC subway with a special appearance by Brother Theodore who chants: "Moses is dead, Mohammed is dead, Buddha is dead and I'm not feeling so hot myself"). Most online stores advertise the picture as such. Surprise! I was duped. It is actually a 1981 Hong Kong gross-out film called THE DEVIL, in which a curse is put on people which makes them puke out worms and snakes. There is a train in the beginning of the film, but that in no way makes it the Devil's Express. The picture quality is VHS-dupe at best on nearly all the films and are to be avoided at all costs! Most of them are retitled (Volume 2 contains two films that are dubious at best. The first one is called GHOST NINJA. It is actually one of director Godfrey Ho's cut-and-paste jobs called DIAMOND NINJA FORCE [1986] and to the best of my knowledge was never called the former title. The second film is PRIMITIVES [1978], an Indonesian film directed by Sisworo Gautama originally titled PRIMITIF and also known as SAVAGE TERROR. The print on the DVD was culled from a Greek VHS and contains Greek subtitles! Volume 4 has a film on it called TEMPLE OF HELL. It is actually Antonio Margheriti's ARK OF THE SUN GOD - 1983). Don't be fooled by the garish comic book covers either. They are merely reproductions (probably illegal) of early 70's comics covers from Eerie Publishing (I smell litigation!). There's also 4 volumes of DVDs released by the same company under the title TERROR TALES. Same old story: Renamed Hong Kong films and Volume 4 (under the name TERROR TALES FROM THE HOOD!) contains extremely-bad transfers of VOODOO BLACK EXORCIST and Jess Franco's THE MAN HUNTER (1980 - using the name THE DEVIL HUNTER). Also, check out the coupon on the back of the DVDs for the Monster Fan Club. I wonder how many were duped into sending this out!

Before Robert Blake became Court TV fodder, he did have a film career. One of those films was called RIPPED OFF (1972). In it he plays a boxer framed for murder and must try and prove that he did not do it. Being an obscure film, I picked it up on eBay for a measly two bucks. The only problem was that this must have been a TV print as all the violence and language was cut out of the film. It clocked in at a slight 72 minutes (probably to fit into a 90 minute slot). The Video Treasures box says that it is rated R but don't you believe it. It would get no more than a TV-PG rating if shown in this form. According to various sources, at least ten minutes were cut from this version and the edits are very obvious. Whenever someone is shot, you hear the gunshot and then a poorly-edited cut to the next scene. Robert Blake sounds like a choirboy because whenever he swears the sound goes blank. It also stars Ernie Borgnine as a cop and Tomas Milian as a mysterious stranger who meets a bloody end in the finale (at least I think he does since most of his death is edited out). Directed by Franco Prosperi (WILD BEASTS - 1984). I'm sure it's much better in it's unedited form.

It seems that Joe Dante has been getting a lot of flak for his episode "Homecoming" in Showtime's series MASTERS OF HORROR (actually commissioned by Anchor Bay for release on DVD). In it, the dead soldiers from the war in Iraq and Afghanistan come back to life with only one purpose: To vote against anyone for the war and then simply drop dead (again) after casting their vote. When our Republican friends see how this will affect our national policy (and produce a new non-war mongering President), they play loose with our voting system and turn things around in their favor. When the same old President wins again, all the dead soldiers from all the wars come back to life and take over Washington, D.C. While played rather broadly (especially an over-the-top performance by Dante regular Robert Picardo), people have been slamming this episode by saying politics has no place in horror. Bullshit! The 50's were rife with political allegories disguising themselves as horror films, including INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL and many others. Politics is horror, people, and I think Joe Dante deserves a lot of credit for being brave enough to tell it like it is. I write this on Sunday, December 18, 2005 and just saw our President give a speech on Iraq and the war on Terrorism. In his whole 17 minute speech he did not once mention Osama Bin Laden (the source of the "War on Terrorism"), the illegal wiretaps on American citizens or politicallly-owned companies who profit from this mess, but did mention his regrets for the families who lost loved ones in this senseless (my word, not his) war and his favorite person: God. Small words from a man whose only agenda is to finish his Father's work in the Middle East. Does anyone really think that Iraq can be a Democratic society when they are surrounded by countries that are the complete opposite? Has anyone even ever asked this question before? On the whole, so far, the MASTERS OF HORROR series has been a mixed affair. I really liked John Carpenter's "Cigarette Burns", liked Dario Argento's "Jenifer" (I remember the same story in the EERIE comic book in the 70's) and Stuart Gordon's "Dreams In The Witch-House" and loathed Mick Garris' "Chocolate", John Landis' "Deer Woman" (although the off-the-cuff comment about werewolf attacks in 1981 London was funny) and Tobe Hooper's "Dance Of The Dead". The best episode so far was the opener: Don Coscarelli's "Incident On And Off A Mountain Road". When it came to pure scares, the director of PHANTASM really delivered. Time will tell if the other as-yet unaired episodes will contain this quality. UPDATE: Just saw William Malone's (CREATURE - 1985) episode entitled "The Fair-Haired Child" and am glad to report, after a slow beginning, that this episode delivered on the chills and surprises that a horror anthology series should offer. The monster was scary, the photography appropriately moody and it had a nice twist ending. Lucky McKee's (MAY - 2002) "Sick Girl" was a great black comedy with a standout performance by Angela Bettis playing a lesbian with a thing for bugs. There's some great dialogue in this episode, especially by her male job partner: "Make sure you call me by 6:30 AM with all the details, because that's when I take my shower." is what he says when he finds out that she has picked up a strange pretty girl who likes to draw pixies. My new favorite episode is Larry Cohen's "Pick Me Up", a very black comedy about two competing serial killers after the same girl (Fairuza Balk). It contains a standout quirky performance by Michael Moriarty (as only he can do it) as one of the serial killers. As most of Cohen's films go, this one also contains some priceless dialogue (and a tongue-in-cheek comment about killer babies, a sly reference to Cohen's IT'S ALIVE - 1973 and his two sequels) and a truly twisted ending. John McNaughton's (HENRY) "Haeckel's Tale", based on a short story by Clive Barker, was rather routine (although atmospheric), but was at least perverse in the last 15 minutes. Since Showtime will not be showing the final episode, director Takashi Miike's (ICHI THE KILLER - 2001) "Imprint", due to it's rather "strong subject matter, even for a pay cable network" (their wimpy words, not mine), we will have to wait for the DVD release to see it. I also have word that Anchor Bay will be releasing these episodes separately rather than in a box set starting in March of 2006 (starting with Carpenter and Gordon's episodes). The episodes offer some extras, like behind the scenes docs, director profiles and deleted scenes (Especially the scene deleted by Showtime for Argento's episode, where Jenifer chows down on the store owner's son's penis. Even Showtime thought that scene was not suitable for their standards!), but it still raises the question: "Why should we have to purchase all the episodes separately?" Greed, my boy. Greed. Season 2 starts on Showtime in October 2006.

I've been spending a lot of time on the DVD Maniacs Forum (now the AVManiacs Forum) and a good question has come up: Should I put out an Ad Mat Magazine that consists of nothing but newspaper ad mats from 1970 till the present? The response on the forum has been positive and I have literally thousands of them to share with everyone. Someone on the forum has offered me his services in printing the zine. I would like to know your opinion. Email me and give your opinion. Believe me, it counts. Check the forum for a lot of ad mats that I have posted. There's also a lot of other information to be found on this forum. I recommend that you join. UPDATE: I decided to put all my ad mats and other genre-related scans on DVD-R and offer them for sale. You can find links for them Here and Here. As for the DVDManiacs Forum? Well, they changed their name to The AVManiacs Forum and have slowly gone downhill with bad moderating and very little to offer film fans, except if you want to know release schedules of Shout! Factory, Code Red, Scorpion and Arrow DVD releases. I've been banned twice from the forum and wear that fact as a badge of honor.

June 15, 2006: This just in from IMDB: "Although CBS claimed in an FCC filing this week that complaints about an episode of Without a Trace were invalid because they all came via websites operated by the Parents Television Council and the American Family Association from people who had never seen the show, the scene in question had in fact been posted on the PTC website. In its filing, CBS asked the FCC to rescind its record indecency fine of $3.3 million, maintaining that "there were no true complainants from actual viewers." Viewed on the PTC website, the clip, which lasts about a minute, would seem to bolster the network's case that, contrary to claims that it depicts a teenage orgy, it shows no nudity, simulated sex, or offensive language. Moreover, it aired after 10:00 p.m. In its filing on Monday, CBS further observed that according to FCC rules, complaints must come from someone actually watching an offending show in the broadcast area of the station at issue. In a statement on Tuesday, L. Brent Bozell, who heads the PTC and the AFA, charged that CBS was engaging in "stupid legal maneuvers" and remarked, "Every complaint filed comes from a United States citizen who, last I heard, had the constitutional privilege to petition his government."" I wouldn't call this stupid legal maneuvers. The complaint has to come from a viewer, not a representative of the oppressive PTC, AFA and their ilk. This is entrapment, plain and simple. Anyone who saw the episode knows that the PTC took the whole scene out of context, just by showing the one minute scene and not the entire episode on their website. It's like showing a bad guy getting shot without first showing all the bad things he did before the shooting. The last remark in the statement is total bullshit as the complainer was not acting as an American citizen, but as a member of the PTC and AFA. Since Congress and the Senate have given the FCC the right to increase indecency fines tenfold, we, the viewers, are all the losers. What ever happened to parental responsibility, the V-Chip and the good old TV ratings system? I guess it's not good enough for those groups who want to impose their "values" on everyone else. My father once said to me: "If you don't like what you see change the channel." I guess we don't have that right anymore.

August 26, 2006: TV is getting extremely scary. Today I was watching the Sci-Fi Network's movie DRAGON SWORD and a promo spot came on saying if you wanted to see the end credits to this film, you would have to go to Sci-Fi's web site to view them. Is TV getting so commercial happy that they no longer have room to show end credits? Scary indeed.

Speaking of Sci-Fi (excuse me, SyFy): The network must have bought out The Asylum's entire catalogue of horror and sci-fi titles. They run the gamut from awful to pretty good. The awful ones include EVIL EYES (2004), KING OF THE LOST WORLD (2005), INTERMEDIO (2005), LEGION OF THE DEAD (2005) and DEAD MEN WALKING (2005). The good ones include THE BEAST OF BRAY ROAD (2005), ALIEN ABDUCTION (2005), JOLLY ROGER: MASSACRE AT CUTTER'S COVE (2005) and FRANKENSTEIN REBORN (2005). If you look at them for what they are (usually rip-offs of higher-budget theatrical releases), you may have a good time with them, even if it is for all the wrong reasons. They usually star some washed-up B actor (Bruce Boxleitner, Steve Railsback, C. Thomas Howell) along with a cast of semi-pro regulars.  They don't even cut out the nudity. They just fog the offending parts. At least these films are better than the "Sci-Fi Originals" that clog their schedules. You know the ones I'm talking about: Usually giant bugs, aliens, androids or animals run amok. Their original film, titled SAVAGE PLANET (2006), about a giant bear (!) on the loose on a terraformed planet, contained some of the worst CGI that my eyes have ever seen. You know what I'm talking about if you have seen it. The films are using CGI to show blood and other carnage to a frightening degree and I mean frightening as a bad term. All you have to do is take a look at director Mark L. Lester's PTERODACTYL (2005) or BASILISK: THE SERPENT KING (2006) to see this CGI carnage in action. It's so obvious and fake-looking that it is laughable. Please stop this trend and go back to to doing them physically rather than optically. I know it's cheaper to do them with CGI, but for God's sake, can't you see how bad it looks?

Don't try to bullshit a bullshitter. BAD NEWS DEPT.: When  you tell me that a film I'm about to see on TV is uncut and unedited and then you speed-up the final credits so fast that you would have to be Superman to read them, I call bullshit. When the Independent Film Channel went advertiser-related (How in the fuck can they still call themselves "Independent"?), they promised that their films would still be uncut, even with commercials. Now they put the final credits in a box so small, you need a microscope to read them, while they show promos for upcoming shows (And since when in the hell has MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE been considered "Independent"?). The Starz/Encore channels do the same thing, which is a damn shame, since we pay good money for the privilege to watch their movies and TV Series. It's bad enough we have to see those watermarked bugs on every movie we watch (and sometimes they juice-up the bug with crap that fills-up the lower-third of the screen with their most popular shows, sometimes lasting 30 seconds or more), but to deny the people who worked on a film to get their due in the final credits is unforgivable. There's even talk of putting advertiser-related product images next to the channel ID bug because people fast forward through the commercials with their DVRs. I watched an episode of the new HAWAII FIVE-0 this season and one segment of the episode was clearly an advertisement for Subway sandwiches! GOOD NEWS DEPT.: The HBO channels do none of this shit, not even any watermarked bugs during the showing of a film or TV Series and they always let the final credits roll uninterrupted. And now they show most of their films in widescreen! Not just their HD channels, but also their non-HD channels. You want to increase your customer base? Follow HBO's model. Rant over.

Blu-Ray Snobs and Hipster Dept: Nothing upsets me more than hipsters who jump on a bandwagon and increase the price of a product, then leave and move on to the next "latest thing". Point in question: VHS Auctions. When someone shells out more than $750 for a copy of director Donald Farmer's excreable DEMON QUEEN (1986) on the Mogul Video label and over $660 for a copy of director Wally Koz's 555 (1988), it artificially inflates the price of every VHS tape on the auction market. The hipsters then leave the scene, leaving VHS sellers still asking for outrageous prices that were 90% lower in price a few months ago. Who does this help? No one, that's who. And then there are these Blu-Ray snobs who refuse to buy a DVD because it doesn't have the "look of a film". Jesus Christ, get a fucking life. I've actually read that some people refuse to buy DVDs because they would rather wait for the Blu-Ray to come out, which in 98% of the cases, it never will. They would rather not watch the film at all until their demands are met (These are the same jerk-offs who threw away their VCRs when they bought their first DVD player.). It is not just idiotic and stupid, it hurts the boutique DVD labels who put out these films. Instead of blaming torrents for the decline of physical product, maybe these people should look in the mirror at the real culprit. And it doesn't end there. When they do get their Blu-Rays, they usually complain about too much "DNR" being used or the disc has a one-second glitch or missing piece of dialogue that destroys their whole enjoyment of the film. I have no problem with real complaints with Blu-Ray discs being discussed with major defects, but what ever happened to just sitting down and enjoying a film? These people are way too young to remember how we had to watch some films on a snow-filled tube TV screen with an antennae on the roof of our houses. Quit sucking on your momma's titties and man-up! Just because the technology is superior, doesn't equate that it is better for everyone. As a matter of fact, as of the middle of 2012, less than 30% of people with TVs capable of High Definition have a Blu-Ray player (compared to 95% who own a DVD player). Not everyone needs or wants to see the pock marks on Jack Nicholson's face. As the technology gets better, our choices in titles becomes more miniscule. And don't get me started with people who watch movies and TV shows on their phones and tablets. Call me old-fashioned, but that stuff belongs on a TV, not on a device that can fit in the palm of your hand (I purposely left out laptops and computers because some of their screens are huge and the picture quality is fantastic). Opthalmologists, opticians and optometrists must be wringing their hands in anticipation!

TED DANSON AND THE RESURGENCE OF CSI:

Am I the only one who believes that Ted Danson has breathed new life into the 12 year-old TV Series CSI:? His role as ex-hippie-turned CSI boss D.B. Russell has injected some much-needed adrenaline into the old series and all the regular actors on the show seem to have upped their acting to try and match an old pro. Danson even managed to make the departure of original series regular Marg Helgenberger a little easier to take. The introduction of Elisabeth Shue as CSI June Finlay (who has some bad past with D.B. Russell, which I'm sure will be addressed in future episodes) to replace Marg Helgenberger was also a good choice. I was beginning to lose interest when William Peterson left the series and was replaced by Laurence Fishburne (who underplayed his role as CSI Dr. Raymond Langston to the point it looked like he was sleepwalking through his role), but Ted Danson has brought the series back to its former glory. I also like how they have given Wallace Langham a bigger role in the show (he and the rest of the lesser-known CSI lab technicians were usually given one episode a year to shine) and I hope that he and the other non-opening credit CSI lab tech actors get more to do in the years to come (it's nice to see that Jon Wellner [who plays CSI techie Henry Andrews] get his name in the opening credits starting at Season 13). I'm a little upset that CBS has canceled CSI: MIAMI in 2012 (it surprises me how many people thought David Caruso wasn't acting at all and was actually like his character Horatio Caine in real life, something which couldn't be farther from the truth) and kept the vastly inferior CSI:NY on their schedule (nothing against great actor Gary Sinise, but the Miami version had the most colorful photography and strangest camera angles of any series on TV. NOTE: It, too, has been canceled [in 2013], even though it was still pulling in decent ratings, especially for a Friday night.), but the inclusion of Ted Danson on the original show takes the sting out of it a little bit. I am officially a CSI: junkie again. The opening episode of Season 13 was a tour-de-force for Ted Danson and was a crackling good hour of television by everyone involved in the show. Thanks, Ted! So far, the show has been getting great ratings and has been renewed for a 15th Season in 2014. Did anyone actually think that this gory crime procedural would outlast its spinoffs and enter a 15th Season? NOTE #2: Detective Brass (Paul Guilfoyle) is leaving as a show regular at the end of Season 14 on May 7, 2014. He was one of the series regulars from the first episode, but the storyline between himself and his troubled daughter will be resolved before he leaves. He may show up in future episodes in guest appearances, but he is leaving the show as a regular. Goodbye Detective Brass. It was nice having you around. Word has it that actor Treat Williams will join the cast as a recurring character, an ex-cop who strikes up a friendship with Danson's character in Season 15. NOTE #3: In what has to be some kind of new category, the makers of CSI: will create a new series called CSI: CYBER starring Patricia Arquette for the 2014 - 2015 television season (she appeared in character in one of CSI's late episodes in Season 14). This is after both CSI: MIAMI and CSI: NY were canceled a few years ago. I have never heard of something like this happening before in the history of television. NOTE #4: It looks like Season 15 could be CSI:'s last, because CBS moved it to Sundays at 10:00pm and its aiting has been suspended at least two weeks in a row because of football overruns. It also costs CBS about $5 million per episode, which happens to all well-established shows because of longetivity and the salaries paid to some of the original actors that have been with the show from the beginning (not to mention Ted Danson's salary), not to mention they knocked-down the orders of episodes this year to 18 from the usual 22. It doesn't look good for a Season 16. The 2014 - 2015 TV Season is also the last for THE MENTALIST, which also suffered the same fate as CSI: when it was moved to Sunday at 10:00pm. It will now debut November 30, 2014 and end sometime in early 2015 with a truncated 13-episode Seventh, and final, Season. It will first replace THE GOOD WIFE (which is going on Winter hiatus) for five weeks on Sundays at 9:00pm and will then move to Wednesdays where the final eight episodes will air.

DID I FAKE MY OWN DEATH?

For those on the internet calling me all kinds of bad and hurtful names (you know who you are), accusing me of faking my own death on FaceBook, let me point you to an article in The New York Daily News dated August 3, 2012. It seems that the Major League Baseball FaceBook pages were hacked and ridiculous and inflammatory messages were left on the  N.Y. Yankees, San Diego Padres, Chicago Cubs and other Major League team pages. Of course, since these are Major League sites (not to mention major advertisers on the site), the inflammatory messages were removed immediately by FaceBook techs. I only wish FaceBook would do the same thing for no-name individuals like myself, which took nearly three weeks to fix (I immediately resigned from the site once my Wall was fixed). Instead, I have people like William Wilson (a person who I use to call my friend) questioning whether my FaceBook Wall was hacked and his accusatory tone about my whole life left me speechless, not to mention letting all the trolls (about 50% of AVManiacs forum members, not to mention defamatory shit from other forums) out there make stupid assumptions about my life. If William Wilson was any type of man (Which I highly doubt any more, since he called me a liar in one of his film reviews! How professional.), he would have contacted me personally instead of posting that ridiculous rant on the AVManiacs forum. I can't tell you how many emails I received from people who also have had their FaceBook sites hacked and they all think William Wilson is a piece of excrement. I think he's just a piece of dog shit. I still like his blog (which I won't point to in a link because he doesn't deserve my time), but that doesn't mean that I have to like the person. People who have dealt with me in a business sense (like auctions), know I always put a personal touch in every package I send. I don't farm out my duties (Even when I was very sick, the only thing I couldn't do was mail the packages, so I had friends do it instead.) and make sure that I personally write out their address and make sure that the package arrives as soon as possible. If that's a sin, then I'm guilty as hell. Otherwise, William Wilson can take a long walk off a short pier. UPDATE: Facebook said on Friday (February 15, 2013) that it was the subject of a "sophisticated attack" from hackers last month, but no user data was compromised. Employees at the social network visited an infected site and its servers downloaded malicious software, or malware, from the mobile developer site. "As soon as we discovered the presence of the malware, we remediated all infected machines, informed law enforcement, and began a significant investigation that continues to this day," the company said in a blog post Friday. "Facebook was not alone in this attack. It is clear that others were attacked and infiltrated recently as well." Well, imagine that! UPDATE #2: On November 5, 2014, CBS News at 11:00pm in New York will run a story about people who have had their lives destroyed by having their Facebook accounts hacked. I was interviewed for the piece, but have yet to know whether I made the final cut. Even if I didn't, William Wilson can take this story and shove it up his unprofessional ass.

ARE THE EXPENDABLES EXPENDABLE?

Hey, I may not agree with the politics and religious beliefs of Chuck Norris, but that doesn't mean that I'm not a fan. I still think INVASION U.S.A. (1985) is one of the best violent action films of the 80's (clearly, 90% of the films he has done were rated R). His WALKER, TEXAS RANGER (1993 - 2001) was one of the most violent series on TV (even if his politics and, especially, religion, creeped into the last few seasons), so when I heard the Internet was abuzz about Norris joining THE EXPENDABLES 2 (2012) only if it would be rated PG-13, my bullshit meter immediately went off. First off, no one dictates to Sylvester Stallone what he does, as the ultra-violent RAMBO (2008) will bear me out. Secondly, the first THE EXPENDABLES (2010) was rated R, so why wouldn't the second one be? Lastly, Chuck Norris is out to entertain people on cinema screens, not force-feed his political or religious beliefs on anyone. That's just career suicide. So when I saw commercials on TV touting the sequel as being rated R, all I could think is how these Internet trolls should all be given a good spanking for making shit up and passing it off as truth. Yeah, I know it's just a pipe dream, but imagine if everything you read on the Internet was true? Wouldn't that be great? Unfortunately, there are people out there whose only job seems to be passing off lies as truth. And that is the reason I never believe anything I read on the Internet. Still, welcome back to the big screen Chuck Norris! Please don't make this your last theatrical film. We all miss you. NEWS FLASH: All Internet trolls are invited to be cast in the third part of Peter Jackson's THE HOBBIT. Please travel to New Zealand and contact his agent, I.M. Anidiot. (In related news, a judge has blocked the release of The Asylum's mockumentary AGE OF THE HOBBITS, which was to be released on DVD a couple of days before Peter Jackson's film. This is not the first time The Asylum had a film blocked, but this time the judge has set a January 28, 2013 hearing to determine whether the temporary hold on the film’s release will become permanent.). NOTE: The August 2014 release of THE EXPENDABLES 3 flopped badly in theaters because the studio blamed that someone leaked the finished film to torrent sites three weeks before its official release. I think they are wrong. The reason why it flopped was because it was Rated PG-13. On an even more stupid note: The DVD release of Part 3 will be the PG-13 Version, while the Blu-Ray will be the Unrated Version. Talk about trying to get people to switch over from DVD to Blu-Ray. It doesn't make any difference that some people can't afford to upgrade or just don't want to. It's all about Sony making more money on a format where they get a fee for every Blu-Ray manufactured. The truth is DVD still outsells Blu-Ray (even though Blus have dropped drastically in price) and companies are trying every trick in the book to get people to upgrade, like offering Blu-only extra features and the above-mentioned practice of offering the unedited version on Blu only. NOTE #2: From Variety.com: Is piracy to blame for THE EXPENDABLES 3's  puny box office debut this weekend (August 15 - 17, 2014) or were viewers ready to euthanize the film’s aging action heroes? That’s the question Hollywood’s asking after the thriller fell short of initial projections by roughly $10 million, debuting to a paltry $16.2 million. As the dwindling numbers trickled in over the weekend, studio executives privately pointed the finger at a leaked copy of the film that hit the internet three weeks before its debut and was seen by 2.2 million people. “This is really a clear situation where this had an impact,” said Phil Contrino, vice president and chief analyst of BoxOffice.com. “It’s hard to measure, but the ripple effect, not only of the downloads, but of the word-of-mouth that spread as a result, can be seen in the soft opening.” The film’s initial numbers are the worst in series history. The original EXPENDABLES launched to $34.8 million in 2010 while the second installment debuted to $28.6 in 2012. Still, some box office observers are hesitant to ascribe blame wholly to the illegal downloads, citing franchise-fatigue after three films in relatively short order. “It got hurt,” said on rival distribution executive. “You’d have to say there was an impact there. But as low as the numbers are, there was a whole lot more going on. There was some audience rejection. When you go to the well too many times, you’re going to run out of gas.” It’s also not clear that the majority of people who downloaded the movie illegally would have paid to see it in theaters even if it wasn’t available online, argues Rentrak media analyst Paul Dergarabedian. Then there’s the continued strength of GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY and TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES, which still managed to do more than $20 million of business in their third and second weeks in theaters. “It’s such a crowded marketplace,” said Dergarabedian. “Even taking piracy out of the equation, it’s so much competitive than we thought it would be.” THE EXPENDABLES 3 was widely seen as a litmus test for the impact that piracy can have on a film’s prospects. Hollywood has tried to hit back against illegal downloading in the past, backing controversial legislation such as The Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and The Protect IP Act (PIPA). When those bills collapsed in 2012, undone by a grassroots backlash and concerns about their impact on First Amendment rights, studios choose to speak more softly. For the most part, their efforts have been limited to outreach to Silicon Valley companies. Given THE EXPENDABLES 3’s poor results, those overtures may grow more intense. Measuring the impact of piracy on box office is difficult and the data can be contradictory. For instance, an unfinished copy of X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE was widely distributed online a month before the film opened in 2009, but the picture still managed to rack up $373 million globally. That’s a big number and one that suggests a lot of people were still willing to shell out for the finished product. However, some research suggests that piracy can take a big chunk out of ticket sales. A 2011 study by Carnegie Mellon University researchers found that when a film is pirated prior to release, it loses nearly 20 percent of its potential revenue. Lionsgate, which distributed THE EXPENDABLES 3 and producer Avi Lerner declined to comment, citing an ongoing lawsuit against 10 anonymous individuals they allege shared a digital copy of the sequel with piracy sites.They may be quiet now, but don’t expect the studios to remain mum for long. Fresh shots were just fired in the piracy war. (While I am sure piracy of the film took a lot of money away from the boxoffice take, the fact that the last two chapters in this series were Rated R and this one was Rated PG-13 and had an advertising campaign of everyone smiling turned a lot of people off, too. This could certainly spell the death knell for the series, unless the home video versions sells millions of discs. Don't be surprised if the next film goes DTV. - Editor)

Who decides to change the name of channels? First, The Sci-Fi Network became "SyFy" and then the Sleuth Channel became "Cloo". Not only do these channels give good spellers a bad name (What do they do, have network executives ask first graders what they would like their network to be called?), they make people wonder if it is worth their time watching stations that clearly don't know what the public wants. I gave up on SyFy a long time ago (Too many Asylum Films and CGI-ridden "SyFy Original" films, especially about natural disasters that will never happen and creatures, like MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS - 2009, that could never exist), but I like Cloo because they sometimes have marathons of old TV shows like T.J. HOOKER (1982 - 1986), MANNIX (1967 - 1975) and other oldies but goodies. Another thing that bothers me are channels that substitute the letter "S" for the letter "Z", like Reelz, or The National Geographic Channel shortening their name to "NatGeo". Have we become a nation of bad spellers and short attention span spazzes? Maybe I'm just getting too old to put up with juvenile shit like this anymore. What's next, The Chiller Channel being called "Scaryz"? I better stop now before I give network executive suits ideas.

TIME TO CHANGE OUR GUN LAWS

Everyone, including myself, is devastated by the shooting deaths in a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado that killed 12 people and injured 58 more, but when the city of Aurora holds a public survey to determine what to do with the Century 16 multiplex theater (including tearing it down), I just sit here and think to myself, "Jesus Christ, it's not the building's fault all these people were killed or injured. It's the fault of a crazy psychopath and lax gun laws who are really at fault." So what are we going to do in the future: Tear down buildings, including schools and military installations, because some asshole with an automtic weapon decides that he's going to take as many lives as he can? This politically correct bullshit has to stop and we have to begin blaming society rather than inanimate structures and facilities. Until we put gun legislation in its proper place (And I'm tired of hearing "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." That psychopath wouldn't have been able to kill and maim all those people in a theater with a knife or a crossbow before audience members took him down.) and get politicians off the NRA payroll, shit like this is always going to happen. There is no valid reason a regular citizen needs a semi-automatic weapon that can easily be converted to fully automatic and we need a better way to screen people who buy guns. When a regular citizen can buy over 2,000 rounds of ammunition on the internet and no red flags are raised, there is definitely something wrong with the system. Let's quit passing blame on movie theaters and violence in films and video games and put the blame squarely where it belongs: On the shoulders of the NRA and its lobbyists. Do you ever wonder why there are so many gun deaths in the United States? Well, I do. And I'm angry that politicians refuse to cross party lines to find a solution. Yes, we can stop people from buying box cutters and knives with blades that are considered too long and making bombs, but we cannot stop Joe Blow (who has an undiagnosed mental problem) from walking into a gun store and purchasing a semi-automatic weapon after a background check (which is nothing but a joke) or walking out of the store with a fully loaded shotgun or hunting rifle. Why is that? Gun rights activists are quick to point out that the Second Amendment to the U.S. Bill Of Rights gives them the the right to "keep and bear arms." I certainly doubt that our forefathers and a 221 year-old document meant that they could buy and keep semi-automatic weapons in their homes. Hell, back in 1791, when the U.S. Bill Of Rights was adopted, there wasn't even such things as bullets. People carried muskets, which shot lead balls and took over a minute to load. Now we have automatic rifles and guns that can shoot over 100 rounds a minute. Our forefathers also wrote "We The People...", not "We The Individual", so let's start using our collective brains instead of our guns and start getting these no-good politicians out of office and replace them with people who actually care about people more than money and lobbyists (I would love lobbying Washington D.C. and politicians to be against the law.). I always get sick to my stomach when I read and see things like what happened in Aurora, Colorado, Columbine High School in Colorado, Congresswoman Giffords' shooting in Arizona, the Sikh Temple in Wisconsin, Fort Hood In Texas and The Virginia Tech massacre. We act all high and mighty when these assaults against human life happen, but both the TV News and newspapers move on to the next latest thing and forget they ever happened, leaving these towns and its people to deal with the psychological scars by themselves. How many more of these atrocities must happen before we say enough is enough? Maybe if we lost the Revolutionary War, we would have a death rate as low as England, where it is against the law for citizens to own a firearm. Tearing down buildings because it is too painful to look at is like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. It's utterly ridiculous. UPDATE: My friend Michael Prymula informs me that the Century 16 theater will NOT be torn down. It's currently undergoing renovation, and the theater where the massacre took place is being converted into one of those giant "extreme" digital screens. I'm glad level heads prevailed. UPDATE #2: Just when you think that there are leaders with level heads, a shooting massacre committed by another mentally defective young adult at a Newtown, Connecticut grade school happens on Friday, December 14, 2012, leaving 27 people dead, including twenty children as young as six years-old. The President comes on TV and wishes the families of the dead and wounded his best while wiping his (crocodile?) tear-stained eyes, but how much do you want to bet that nothing concerning gun laws change? The news outlets will cover the tragedy for about two weeks, squeezing every ounce of emotional juice out of the story, but the NRA will still stick with the same old story: "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." and nearly every politician will be too scared to say anything negative about gun laws on TV. I'm not the biggest fan of Michael Bloomberg, the Mayor Of New York City (who is turning the entire city into a nanny state with his ban on sodas and sugary drinks bigger than 16 oz., smoking bans everywhere, controlling your salt intake and other basic human rights that no politician should have a right to touch, especially since none of them are against the law), but at least he publicly and constantly speaks out against our lax gun laws. We need more politicians like him with guts to speak the truth about guns (I actually heard a Senator from New York say today [Saturday, December 15, 2012] that all the politicians, both Democrat and Republican, will talk about changing our gun laws, but he thinks it will all be just talk and nothing will change!). And the truth is that nobody outside the police force and military should be able to own one, not even hunters (You want to give deer and other animals the chance they deserve? Use a bow and arrow!). And even then, they should all be given mandatory psychological exams every year. Have you ever heard of anyone killing 27 people with a knife or a bow? People would be pouncing on the nutjob, hopefully killing him in the process, just so the news outlets have nothing to report (if you want to call it that; it's more like playing on the viewer's sympathy) besides a crazy man was killed by good samaritans when he tried to kill people with a knife or a bow. He may kill one or two, but there's no way he would be able to kill 27 people. On a more upsetting note, theaters in Pittsburgh (where the film was shot) are cancelling the preview of the new PG-13 rated Tom Cruise movie JACK REACHER (2012) over the weekend out of "honor and respect" for the parents of the murdered children (The film opens wide on December 21, 2012). The SyFy Channel pulled an episode of their TV series HAVEN (2010 - Present) because it contained a scene of a school shooting. FOX has also replaced new Christmas episodes of FAMILY GUY (1999 - Present), where Peter tells his own version of the nativity scene and Stewie is seen holding a futuristic ray gun and AMERICAN DAD (2005 - Present), where Stan mentions that some children are "naughty" and hunted by a demon (!), on Sunday, December 16, 2012. No decisions have been made when the episodes will be shown (Turns out they will be shown the following week!). Here we go again, associating gun violence in films, TV shows and video games with gun violence in real life. More stupid political correctness for the masses to chew on. I hope they choke on it. Remember after the devestation of 9/11, radio stations weren't allowed to play certain songs and all TV shows and movies shown on TV had to remove scenes of the World Trade Center because it would cause people too much "emotional pain"? Same thing here. Ever since 9/11, we have been losing much of our freedoms all in the name of "security" (Patriot Act anyone?). Keep the people scared and they will give up almost anything, including all their privacy. I didn't fall for it then and I'm not going to fall for it now. Just because some mental idiot with a gun kills a bunch of people doesn't mean I should give up my rights to privacy (I especially dislike all those "If you see something, say something" TV commercials. What happens when a young woman accidentally forgets her purse on the subway or some guy forgets his briefcase? Will they be waterboarded or interviewed and inconvenienced for hours at a police station for just being human?), yet you can't walk outside without some camera being pointed in your direction with facial recognition software running in the background or your email being scanned for certain key words associated with terrorism. It may sound paranoid, but it is true. The Government just doesn't want you to know it, because if you do and wake up to the hypocrisy of it all, they lose all power. So what I am saying is this: Quit being scared and live your life the way you want. Don't let anyone control you. UPDATE #3: I just watched President Obama's moving eulogy (Sunday, December 16, 2012 at 8:38 PM) in Newtown, Connecticut in front of the grieving parents and family who lost loved ones and he promised to do everything in his power to stop such tragedies again. The thing that troubled me, though, is not once did he mention the word "gun" or "automatic weapons" and say he would push for stricter laws against them. Is it possible that even he knows that he is powerless against the NRA or was he trying to be considerate of the tragic families' feelings? I know if it was my child that was killed, I would want to hear directly from the President's mouth that he was going to change our gun laws so people can't just purchase a weapon and hundreds of rounds of ammunition and go on a killing spree. He said this was the fourth such common incident he has endured since he was President, but nothing has changed regarding gun laws. That doesn't say much about his effectiveness towards getting guns out of hands of psychos, does it? He is the President after all. As far as I know, the job is not just a figurehead position and he does wield power (including veto power) to change many things. It's time he and Congress and the House of Representatives put their differences aside and do something meaningful for a change, instead of making up such terms as "fiscal cliff" and such to keep us in a frightened state. The newspapers and TV News on Monday, December 17, 2012 tout that during the President's eulogy in Newtown, he promised to change gun laws. The fact is, he never said that. He didn't mention guns once, so how could he promise to change gun laws? This is just another example of the news outlets not reporting the facts correctly. All I want are the facts, not conjecture that we know will not change as long as there is an NRA (Whose Facebook and Twitter pages mysteriously disappeared the day of the shootings, probably because they didn't want to read everyone's rage about the shootings and their involvement in it.). Wednesday, December 19, 2012: The NRA finally releases a statement regarding the shooting, saying that it is "willing" to make some changes in support of decreasing automatic weapons in civilian hands. I'll take a wait-and-see attitude in regards to that statement (I'm willing to bet the NRA does nothing, because what is a gun lobby without guns?), but the object lesson should be this: Why do civilians have automatic weapons in the first place? What do they need them for? Besides some crazy doomsayers and survivalists in their compounds in the mountains waiting for the apocalypse (who should be psychologically examined and disarmed as soon as possible and not just of their automatic weapons), there is no reason for any civilian to have them, or extended clips that hold way too many bullets. If you are hunting with an automatic weapon or waiting for the Mayan calendar to come true (so you can finally try out your automatic weapons on human beings), I think it is time to go to your computer and look for psychiatrists in your area because you definitely need one. Meanwhile, President Obama promises the ban on automatic weapon sales will be reinstated by the time he gives the State of the Union address in 2013 (with an addendum about gun shows, where it is too easy to pick up any gun or weapon in less than five minutes). Another wait-and-see moment, but how do we get them out of the hands of people who own them now? Am I the only one who believes it is possible? Make it against the law to own an automatic or semi-automatic weapon or extended clips, with a mandatory five-year jail sentence if one is found on your possession or in your home. Give the civilians a year to turn them in on their own and then let the law go into effect. No exceptions, like the "three strikes" law. Of course there will be some hiccups, but the benefits outweigh the shooting sprees. No parent should have to experience seeing their six or seven year-old child in a coffin because politicians with big pockets have no conscience. I'd rather we build more jails than cemeteries. I really, really hope it is different this time. Thursday, December 20, 2012: New York Sen. Jay Rockefeller this week introduced a bill calling for an examination of the effect of violent videogames. “Recent court decisions demonstrate that some people still do not get it,” Rockefeller said in a statement. “They believe that violent videogames are no more dangerous to young minds than classic literature or Saturday morning cartoons. Parents, pediatricians and psychologists know better.” (As Bugs Bunny would say, "What a maroon!"). Hollywood has responded to the second-deadliest school shooting in U.S. history by postponing premieres, canceling parties and not airing certain TV episodes that depict violence. It has not delayed any movie openings, as happened after a July mass shooting at a movie theater in Aurora, Colo. “Hollywood knows that there are people it will never convince, but it has to positively influence the fence-sitters and make them think it can reduce damage,” Jonathan Bernstein, president of a crisis management company, told TheWrap. “It’s a communication battle for influence at a visceral level. If Hollywood doesn’t do something, it takes far more damage.” And so it begins all over again with idiotic politicians (especially Senator John McCain) blaming the entertainment media for all the real violence in the world. When are they going to learn that without proper medical care and stricter gun laws, disturbed people are always going to go on killing sprees? Millions of people play CALL OF DUTY and they don't go out killing people. But just because this fucked-up "autistic" (seems to me to be the newest medical excuse for every bad thing a young person does) young adult had DUTY on his game console at home, it must be the cause of his violent outburst. Time to put away the entertainment media excuse and focus on the real problems. Friday, December 21, 2012: The NRA holds a press conference and here are their bright ideas: Put an armed police officer in every school. Not only is that a dim bulb solution (it hasn't worked in the past at schools in NYC), but putting a police officer carrying a Glock or .38 Special pistol against a troubled person carrying automatic weapons only puts the police officer's life at stake, even if he is wearing a bulletproof vest. Most of these automatic weapon bullets are made to go through kevlar (or their head). Leave it to the NRA to ask for more guns rather than less. Kids who go to school to learn don't want to see a gun, period, even if it is being holstered by a police officer. The NRA is under the impression that if a mentally disturbed person were to know there was an armed police officer at the school he has targeted, he will back off. I highly doubt it. That is why they are called "mentally disturbed". They don't think like you and I do. The NRA also wants a national database of the mentally ill, but what if the shooter never saw a psychiatrist? The NRA automatically thinks "mentally ill" means "mass murderer". How fucking stupid is that? There are plenty of mentally ill people that lead full, productive lives and to put their names in a national database will only harm them, not help them. New York State is on the verge of passing a law that states no clip can carry more than 7 bullets (the toughest such law in the nation), which will make it harder for mass murderers to kill more than 7 people with a clip. But what if that person is carrying ten or more clips? Nobody, including our own President seems to want to outright ban the sale of semi or regular automatic weapons to regular citizens, or make them turn the ones they already own into the authorities and I can't understand why. There is no reason why anyone besides the police and military should carry or need one. The NRA also blamed films, the Media and violent video games for the massacres. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Time to pry that rifle from Charlton Heston's "cold dead hands" and put the NRA out of business. These spineless NRA bastards blame everyone but themselves. Saturday, December 22, 2012: Thousands of gun rights supporters are petitioning the Obama administration to consider deporting CNN’s Piers Morgan, arguing the gun control proponent is using his position as a TV news host to wage war on the Second Amendment. “British Citizen and CNN television host Piers Morgan is engaged in a hostile attack against the U.S. Constitution by targeting the Second Amendment,” reads the petition. “We demand that Mr. Morgan be deported immediately for his effort to undermine the Bill of Rights and for exploiting his position as a national network television host to stage attacks against the rights of American citizens.” The petition has attracted more than 11,000 signatures since its creation Friday. It was posted on the White House’s We the People website, which allows users to create a petition which will receive a review by policy makers as well as an official White House response should it gain 30,000 signatures within 30 days. Writing on Twitter Saturday, Morgan seemed amused by the petition, and responded to a number of people asking him (not so politely) to get out of America. (Well, there's 11,000 idiots that I will stay away from!. Seems to me that these gun rights supporters forgot about America having Freedom of Speech. Doesn't matter if they are British, Icelandic or Muslim, they can say what they please. Besides, Piers Morgan's show is an interview show, not a news show, so he can say anything he pleases without gun supporters demanding he get kicked out of the country. Besides, Mr. Morgan simply knows better what it means to live in a country that outlaws guns to normal citizens. Even most British police officers don't carry one.). Monday, December 24, 2012: The official tally for the petition to get rid of Piers Morgan from the United States has reached 31,000 signatures (which is way less than one quarter of one percent of our population), most of them from Texas (Where the petition began. Surprise, surprise.) and States in the Bible Belt. Seems like these gun rights proponents forgot about our First Amendment rights and only focus on their Second Amendment rights. Do they actually think that our President will deport Morgan? I believe they do, because they are nothing but a bunch of gun-loving idiots who believe that banning semi and fully automatic weapons will mean that the Government will go after their pistols, rifles and shotguns next. Monday, December 24, 2012 (Christmas Eve): A 62 year-old psychopath in upstate New York (who spent 17 years in jail for killing his grandmother with a hammer in 1981) kills his 67 year-old sister, sets fire to their house and nearby neighbor houses and then waited in ambush as the first responders arrived. He then shot and killed two of them before leaving the scene (a cop on the scene returned fire, chasing him off) and taking his own life in his car with a Smith & Wesson .38-caliber revolver. The weapon he used to kill those innocent people? A Bushmaster .223 semi-automatic rifle, the same type of weapon used by the asshole in the Newtown, Connecticut mass murder. Need I say more? Saturday, December 28, 2012: The official tally for the deportation of Piers Morgan has reached 91,000 signatures. Believe  me, there are even more stupid people in this country, so expect the total to rise and the President to ignore them (and rightfully so). Monday, January 7, 2013: According to the Hollywood Reporter: "Piers Morgan interviewed -- or at least tried to -- the man who created a petition to deport him on his CNN talk show Monday night. Alex Jones appeared on Piers Morgan Tonight to talk about his petition, titled 'Deport British Citizen Piers Morgan for Attacking 2nd Amendment,' which he posted on the White House's website. As of Monday night, it has received more than 100,000 signatures. (Petitions need only 25,000 signatures to generate a White House response.) The petition was started in the wake of Morgan's criticism of gun advocates in the wake of the Newtown, Conn., elementary school shooting. 'British Citizen and CNN television host Piers Morgan is engaged in a hostile attack against the U.S. Constitution by targeting the Second Amendment,' the petition reads. 'We demand that Mr. Morgan be deported immediately for his effort to undermine the Bill of Rights and for exploiting his position as a national network television host to stage attacks against the rights of American citizens.' On Morgan's show, Jones came out with guns blazing -- so to speak -- rattling off his arguments against Morgan, saying he started the petition to bring attention to his belief that foreigners living in the U.S. want to take away guns from Americans while the government continues to beef up its weapons. '1776 will commence again if you try to take our firearms!' he declared at one point, saying that the second amendment isn't for 'duck hunting' but to protect Americans from 'tyrannical government.' When the host tried to ask a question, Jones continued to speak over or interrupt him. At one point, he told Morgan, 'You're a hatchet man of the new world order,' and even seemingly challenged him to a boxing match. After several minutes, Morgan finally said: 'Let take a break. When we come back, try and answer my questions.' Responded Jones: 'All you're gonna do is sit there and play little factoid questions.' He continued talking -- spouting off a crime statistic -- but was cut as the show went to a commercial. After the break, Jones continued his tirade and avoided answering Morgan's questions. (This is your Editor speaking: They say everything is big in Texas. Everything, that is, except Alex Jones' brain.). Wednesday, January 9, 2013: On the eve of the entertainment industry's White House meeting to discuss gun violence in films and video games, Motion Picture Association of America president Chris Dodd told The Hollywood Reporter that his industry will consider voluntary guidelines but will "vehemently" oppose any government restrictions on content. Dodd and other spokesmen from various sectors of the entertainment industry will meet with Vice President Joe Biden, who has been charged by President Barack Obama with recommending legislation to curb gun violence, Thursday night and Friday. (Editor speaking again: Here we go again, blaming movies and video games for real-life violence. They do this because they are easy targets, but I'm glad Chris Dodd is standing his ground, something you don't usually hear me say about the MPAA. Seems to me the politicians should me more worried about passing mental health legislation, since it is easy to see that these mass murders were suffering from mental health issues. In other words, anything can trigger violence in bat-shit crazy people, but don't take it away from the millions who view movies and video games as entertainment, not documentaries on "how to" kill as many real people as possible.). Wednesday, January 9, 2013: The White House may have just disappointed the nearly 110,000 people who have signed a petition urging President Obama to deport CNN’s Piers Morgan. In a response released Wednesday titled "When Discussing the Second Amendment, Keep the First in Mind Too," White House press secretary Jay Carney addressed the petition, which charged Morgan with using his position as a cable news host to wage war on the Second Amendment, and calling for his removal from the country. “President Obama believes that the Second Amendment guarantees an individual right to bear arms,” Carney wrote. “However, the Constitution not only guarantees an individual right to bear arms, but also enshrines the freedom of speech and the freedom of the press -- fundamental principles that are essential to our democracy.” Morgan has become an increasingly outspoken proponent of gun control legislation in the wake of the school shooting in Newtown, Conn. last month. He clashed with gun rights advocates hours after the killings and continued to engage people in debate on Twitter, as well as poke fun at supporters of the petition to have him deported. Carney said Obama recognized Newtown “sparked an intense, and at times emotional, national conversation” about gun control, and posted a video the president recorded to respond to the numerous White House petitions on the subject. In the video, Obama said he supported the Second Amendment, but added background checks should be conducted to keep guns out of the hands of “dangerous people.” The Morgan petition was posted on the White House’s We the People site Dec. 21 and quickly gained the required 25,000 signatures to receive an official response. Petition organizer Alex Jones made a rambling appearance on Piers Morgan Tonight on Monday, where he said his petition was created to bring attention anti-gun foreigners living in the U.S. who were trying to take away weapons even as the government increases its own arsenal. “1776 will commence again if you try to take our firearms!" Jones said during the interview. The next day, Jones posted a YouTube video in which he said he feared for his life because of his gun rights stances, and added he was worried the New York Police Department or mafiosos hired by New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg would kill him. (Editor speaking: Alex Jones is one of those people who should have a mandatory mental health exam. It's highly apparent that he should be nowhere near a firearm.). Sunday, January 13, 2013: A spokesperson for the NRA says that Congress will not have enough votes to pass a bill to ban assault weapons (He seemed very happy about it.). Since Vice President Joe Biden will give his recommendations on curbing gun violence to the President on Tuesday, sales of semi-automatic weapons have skyrocketed, with gun nuts fearing that assault weapons will soon be banned for sale. Who's is right here, the NRA or the gun nuts? Only time will tell. My only hope is that Biden (who I am beginning to regard as a force of nature) doesn't recommend that the government get involved with violence in films, TV or video games. That is not the answer and never will be. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Assault weapons are not used for hunting, so why do our citizens need them? We have a healthy armed militia to watch our backs, so citizens should be happy with their handguns, rifles and shotguns. There is a reason the Tea Party is broke (bringing assault weapons to rallies, churches, etc.). No one believes their line of bullshit any more. These recent massacres have proved that and no amount of backtracking on their part will repair the damage they have done to this country. Wednesday, January 16, 2013: President Obama holds a televised conference where he announced sweeping changes in gun laws (and, thankfully, no mention of violence in movies or video games) and wants the assault weapon ban reinstated (although it probably won't pass in Congress because the NRA are deep inside the Republican's pockets), along with comprehensive background checks for the purchase of any firearm and better mental health checks. And what does the NRA do? They release a TV commercial calling the President a "hypocrite" because his two daughters have Secret Service protection and they carry guns. Of course they do, you mental midgets. Every President's kids since the 60's have had Secret Service protection, otherwise they would be easy targets for kidnapping. One gun shop owner compared banning assault weapons to blaming cars for causing deaths. Moron. Guns were made to kill, cars were made to drive. Of course people die in cars, just like they do in house fires, tornados, hurricanes and cancer. If you can't tell the difference, you should no longer have a permit to sell firearms. Thursday, January 24, 2013: Sen. Jay Rockefeller is making another attempt to get a National Academy of Sciences to study the effects of violent content -- including violent video programming. The West Virginia Democrat, who has announced he will retire and not seek re-election in 2014, on Thursday reintroduced his “Violent Content Research Act” with bipartisan co-sponsorship from Sens. Richard Blumenthal, D-Conn.; Mike Johanns, R-Neb.; Dean Heller, R-Nev.; and Tom Coburn R-Ok. While Rockefeller pointed to concerns about TV violence, Johanns also cited the movies. “Our kids are routinely exposed to movies, television and video games that glorify violence and allow them to simulate violent acts,” Johanns said in a statement. “This legislation will allow us to study what, if any, impact this exposure has on our youth, and if it encourages or desensitizes our children to the real-life consequences of violence.” Under the legislation, the National Academy would be required to undertake a comprehensive look at whether violent programming and violent video games harm children, either directly by causing kids to act more aggressively or more indirectly. One focus would be on whether the violent material has a direct and long-lasting impact on a child’s well-being. The bill calls for the study to be done within 15 months and the results reported back to Congress, the Federal Trade Commission, the Federal Communications Commission and the Department of Health and Human Services. Rockefeller originally introduced the call for a study last year, but he has had a long history of concern about violent programming. In a statement Thursday, Rockefeller cited the recent incidents of gun violence as the reason for the bill’s reintroduction. “I’m reintroducing my bill because Congress should do everything we can to address gun violence,” he said. “We need comprehensive policies to fully protect our communities. This study is an important element of this approach.” (Editor speaking: Christ, here we go again. Millions of people watch violent films, TV shows and play violent video games and are upstanding citizens who would never break the law because of what they watched or played. If Rockefeller and his cronies can't understand that, maybe they should all retire. Just like a politician to punish the many for the sins of a few. I guess it is easier to take on the National Academy of Sciences than the powerful Health Insurance and NRA lobbies.) March 21, 2013: As expected, Congress declined to pass the semi-automatic weapons ban and the ban of the amount of ammo allowed in a clip is dead on arrival, thanks to NRA pressure. It's time we got rid of these extreme cowards (many who are too old to make up their own minds, nevermind the entire country), who have seem to have forgotten the massacre that happened a mere three months earlier, and would rather line their pockets with NRA lobby money. As one anonymous member of Congress told the media: "This Bill was dead before it even hit the floor." How many more children's graves do we have to dig before we get the Democrats and Republicans to open their eyes and see the light? This decision makes me sad to be an American right now. April 29, 2013: It is now official. I am completely disgusted in our system of government where we can tell people what to eat (not too much salt or calories now because we need you to contribute to a failing health care system), how much they can drink (I can drink 16 ounces in a minute. So I can just buy another 16 ounce bottle. Thankfully, this nanny law was overturned by a smart judge in New York) and how old you have to be to smoke (a bad habit kids, so don't do it, but I'm trying to make a point here), yet Congress, the Senate and other politicians can't pass one page of gun law restriction, not even for background checks and the amount of bullets allowed in a clip. Jesus Christ, are they all mad or are their pockets that deep with NRA money? What we need are less politicians and more people with consciences that put the lives of people above our right to own automatic or semi-automatic weapons. We can all wish, right? November 4, 2014: Republicans win the majority of seats in both Houses of Congress, so don't look for gun laws to change for the better. Look for them to change for the worst. I guess the majority of Americans don't care about children being needlessly gunned-down in school or normal citizens being massacred in places where they should feel safe. Look for more States to pass open-carry laws as the simple-minded scare those with common sense by carrying shotguns and semi-automatic weapons into your favorite department stores and restaurants. Will this madness never end? All Of 2015: More mass shootings happen at extremely alarming rates, yet all we hear is outrage and no laws to try to prevent it from happening. My hope is that our next President (And please, Lord, don't let it be Donald Trump!) in 2016 makes this issue one of their top priorities. Never in my life have I seen a Senate and House automatically oppose all of President Obama's legislation (And to say it's not because he is Black is just being ignorant. Most of these old Republicans come from Southern families that owned slaves. Some older Democrats, too), so the President has to bypass them and use Executive Orders. And here's one thing about Donald Trump: Just because he says out loud what many people think doesn't make him a good candidate for President. It makes him a racist. He seems to forget that our country was founded by immigrants after we abused and killed millions of Native Americans. He will destroy this country. And remember this: As a businessman, he is a pretty poor one. He has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy three times. Does that sound like a good businessman? Or a good politician? They say we all get what we deserve, but we don't deserve Trump or Jeb Bush making decisions for us. It's time for a woman in the White House, but there is going to be plenty of mud-slinging from Republicans and the Religious Right, who believe women are a lower species than man and should be subserviant. In these "enlightened" times, people that still think this way and back their beliefs by quoting the Bible are total assholes.

DWAYNE JOHNSON: THE NEW BADASS

I usually don't review recent theatrical releases on this site, but since this is a section of the site where I just speak my mind, I have to wonder this: Is there a bigger badass in films today than Dwayne Johnson? I know he made his name wrestling under the moniker "The Rock", but he can just drop that name now and go by his real name. I just saw him recently in two films, the R-Rated FASTER (2010) and as part of the PG-13 THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS (2001) franchise FAST FIVE (2011) and I have never seen a modern action hero play two separate roles with equal aplomb as Mr. Johnson does. In FASTER, Johnson is a betrayed getaway driver who watches his brother get his throat cut after pulling a bank heist. Johnson gets a bullet in his head, but survives and spends the next ten years in jail. When he gets out, he wastes no time in killing all those responsible for the betrayal and his brother's death, usually at the end of a gun. He is chased by drug-addled cop Billy Bob Thorton and eccentric (but physically fit) hit man Oliver Jackson-Cohen (who had polio as a child), but they don't catch up with him until he gets everyone on his hit list. You can see the "surprise" ending coming a mile away, but that makes no difference, because Dwayne Johnson takes no prisoners in this film and lets his gun do his talking (he does show some compassion at the end, but even the most mean-hearted bastard would have done the same). He makes the perfect anti-hero in this film which, unfortunately, did very little business in theaters. I can't imagine why. It's a great action film directed by George Tillman Jr. (who directed the Notorious B.I.G. biopic NOTORIOUS the previous year) with a lean and mean screenplay by brothers Tony Gayton (THE SALTON SEA - 2002) and Joe Gayton (BULLETPROOF - 1996). On the opposite end of the popularity spectrum, Johnson plays a cop in FAST FIVE, who is out to capture Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and their gang (all together for the first time since the original film). At first, he wants nothing more than to see these crooks put behind bars and his fight with Vin Diesel is a doozy (it's even better in the Unrated Director's Cut DVD), but when he sees his entire special forces team wiped out by a ruthless Rio drug lord (played by Joaquim de Almeida [DESPERADO - 1995]), he joins up with Diesel and Walker to bring these nasties down. Besides the knock-down, drag-out fight between Johnson and Diesel (there is no clear winner and I bet it was in both of their contracts), there's also a thrilling safe heist by two cars that must be seen to be believed. This film did blockbuster business in theaters (It's easy to see why with the cast of seasoned pros and pretty good direction by Justin Lin [Who directed four FAST AND THE FURIOUS films, including FAST & FURIOUS 6 - 2013, which also did blockbuster business in theaters across the world. Part 7 will be directed by James Wan and open on July 11, 2014] and a twisty screenplay by Chris Morgan [WANTED - 2008]), but I still prefer Johnson in FASTER. He's one mean-assed motherfucker in that one. Sure, Johnson has done his share of stinkers (TOOTH FAIRY - 2010, anyone?), but most of his action films, including THE RUNDOWN - 2003; WALKING TALL - 2004; DOOM - 2005 and his extended cameos on RENO 911: MIAMI! - 2007 (which always makes me laugh out loud) and THE OTHER GUYS (2010) have been entertaining junk food for the mind. I didn't even mind Johnson in JOURNEY 2: THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND (2012). It's worth it just to hear him sing his own lyrics to "It's A Wonderful World", where he compares co-star Michael Caine to Yoda! (He does sing the proper version of the song as the end credits roll and he's not half-bad). This sequel is much more enjoyable and fast-moving (if highly improbable) than the 2008 original (which starred Brendan Fraser and not Dwayne Johnson) and it was nice to see Luis Guzmán (THE SALTON SEA - 2002) get such a big role as the comical character. UPDATE: Both Dwayne Johnson and Dolph Lundgren are hosting their own Summer 2013 reality competition series. Johnson is hosting THE HERO on TNT, where he puts ordinary citizens through "dangerous" obstacles, while Lundgren is hosting RACE TO THE SCENE on Reelz, where ordinary citizens re-enact scenes from popular action films throughout the past three decades. After watching teaser trailers for both series, I have to give Lundgren's show the upper hand, especially when the competition have to dress like Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta in PULP FICTION (1995) and recreate the scene where Travolta's gun accidentally discharges and spreads the brains of their captive all over the inside of the car. I was laughing hysterically. Johnson's series looks more like an extreme version of FEAR FACTOR (2001 - 2012), which was hosted by Joe Rogan.

"TORTURE PORN": NO MORE REVIEWS FROM ME

Good God Almighty, I'm sick and tired of all these "torture porn" films (a term I hate, but it is best known among genre enthusiasts and has become a part of the filmic vernacular) that have flooded the DTV market. What hath SAW (2004) and HOSTEL (2005) wrought? I've reviewed many of these copycat films on my site, but I promise you that I will be reviewing no more (I will be reviewing them only in this section of the site, not in any of the categories). I just got finished watching two films: ARE YOU SCARED (2005) and its unrelated sequel ARE YOU SCARED 2 (2009) and I can't imagine in my wildest dreams how the creators of the SAW franchise haven't sued the pants off of director/writer Andy Hurst (who did the first film) and directors/writers John Lands & Russell Appling (who were responsible for the sequel). First off, the first film contains a voice that sounds just like the "Jigsaw" character (played by Tobin Bell), but with an ending so lame, you'll want to kick in the TV screen. The unrelated sequel is twice as bad, since we know that Tony Todd is responsible for all the "ingenious" traps. Do people actually find these films entertaining? If they do, they are one of the main reasons why there are no original horror movies anymore (or very little of it). I know that filmmakers love to jump on the bandwagons of films that have made some good scratch on theatrical screens (witness THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT [1999] "found footage" phenomenon, which turned everyone with a video camera into a "filmmaker", an annoying practice which is still going on today [it's funny because the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY franchise killed-off the SAW franchise]), but there should be an automatic moratorium on how long these copycat films can be made. Shitballs, they are still being made today, a good eight years after the original films were made. If you want reviews of films of this type, go to other review sites. I'm done with them for good. Gore for the sake of gore just doesn't do it for me anymore. Other films that fit this mold are: CRUEL WORLD (2005; Edward Furlong stars as a demented psycho who gets a bunch of people to believe they are on a reality show, where he uses deadly games to pick the winner.); HOLLYWOOD KILLS (2006; Where a reclusive director/producer gets off on torturing his actors in various bloody ways.); CAPTIVITY (2007; Elisha Cuthbert gets tortured. After all her crap we had to put up with in the TV series 24 [2001 - 2010], like getting chased by a mountain lion, all I have to say is: "It's about fucking time!"); HACK! (2007; Homicidal husband & wife use a bunch of film students to make a snuff film.); LIVE ANIMALS (2008; Where a man cages humans like animals, rapes and tortures them and then sells them on the white slave market.); STAUNTON HILL (2009; An extremely fat mother and her sons use strangers for cannibalistic meals and medical experiments. Includes a shotgun blast that blows-off a leg and a graphic scalping.); MEAT GRINDER (2009; A SAW knockoff made in Thailand.); SKELETON CREW (2009; A movie director finds rolls of film where a deranged doctor at the mental institution they are filming at is shown killing his patients in gory ways and soon he is doing the same thing to his actors.); SUTURES (2009; where we watch Andrew Prine as a demented surgeon, who harvests human organs for rich people, remove a girl's saline breast implant, a new low in horror films); NINE DEAD (2010; Nine people are handcuffed in a building's room and one person is killed every ten minutes until they try to figure out their connection to one another.); THE TORTURED (2010; A husband & wife kidnap the convict they think is responsible for their son's death and put him through things even I won't mention. It turns out, in the finale, that they kidnapped the wrong convict and he kills himself, either because the torture made him believe he was the killer or he just didn't want to be tortured anymore.); MASK MAKER (2010; Where the killer wears the faces of the people he kills. Holy Leatherface, Batman!); CHAIN LETTER (2010; Six friends are tracked down and graphically murdered when they don't forward an email chain letter.); OUTTAKE REEL (2011; A lawyer introduces videotaped evidence to the jury of how the accussed murdering director killed his leading female star, including scenes of violent torture.); BUNNYMAN (2011; A deformed man in a bunny suit and his demented family capture people on the road with their truck and cut them up with chainsaws and other sharp objects. Spawned a sequel called THE BUNNYMAN MASSACRE - 2012); THE BLEEDING HOUSE (2011; A surgeon with car trouble spends the night with a family with some very bloody secrets.); THE WOMAN (2011; A misogynist husband captures a feral woman, chains her in his basement and puts her and his family through hell [except for their son, who loves this stuff].), and dozens of others.

HEY GLAAD: LIGHTEN UP!

My new favorite title for a horror film is TICKED-OFF TRANNIES WITH KNIVES (2010), a fake grindhouse-style film (fake emulsion scratches, missing frames and reels) that's not very good, but the title makes me laugh and at least it's not one of those fake Troma titles that has nothing to do with the film. Theses are real trannies (Krystal Summers, Kelexis Davenport, William Belli, Erica Andrews and Jenna Skyy as "Tipper Somemore") who carry out vengeance with knives and other objects shoved up the bad guys asses after two of the trannies are killed by some racist asshole men (one of them an ex-boyfriend of one of the trannies) in the parking lot of the joint the women work in. They are taught the finer points of martial arts and knife-handling by their manager Fergus (Richard D. Curtin; and this is one of the points that a reel is missing, probably because it would cost too much to film it). Director/writer Israel Luna (FRIGHT FLICK - 2011; THE OUIJA EXPERIMENT - 2011) fortunately doesn't take the material seriously, because the acting talent involved is, shall we say, less than impressive (especially Tom Zembrod as lead baddie "Boner"). In the film's defense, this is the first acting appearance for 95% of the cast. At least there is truth to the title, as the three trannies use their knife skills in the finale of the film (even sticking a couple up Boner's gang's assholes!) and giving Boner his just desserts in the bloody finale. The film is nothing special, but the title makes me laugh. Filmed in Dallas, Texas. NOTE: This film was given bad press by GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation), which gets a quote against it on the DVD package by John Waters, who says, "GLAAD came out against it? Lighten up. What the fuck?" My sentiments exactly. It does not portray the trannie community in a negative light (quite the contrary, it shows them as a tight-knit community who actually care about each other, even with some bitchy comments between the girls), which proves to me only one thing: Even organizations which address the Gay & Lesbian community in a positive light can sometimes have huge sticks up their asses. Whether they enjoy it or not is totally their preference. The gay community has made wide strides in the past ten years. Why can't they have their own horror fims without some gay organization flinging shit at it? I'm not gay, but I do enjoy films that portray the different lifestyles I have no idea about. We should all learn to be tolerant of people that are different than us (and I don't mean that in any detrimental way) and a good way to do that is read books or watch films (even horror films) that portray those lifestyles. NOTE: I have been getting some pretty serious feedback from this post. It seems that those from the Nothern part of the United States agree with me and most (but not all) of those from the Southern part of the U.S. disagree with me (One guy even threatened to cut my dick off!). To those in the Bible Belt, this is all I have to say: Bite me! Since this movie was filmed in Texas, you would think that most people wouldn't give a damn if someone was a trannie or not, but the sad fact is, every email I received from Texas was negative in tone. Thank God they're not allowed to carry guns in that State (that was sarcasm).

MY OPINION ON TORRENT SITES

A lot of people want to know my opinion about torrent sites and its relationship to low DVD sales. I's sorry, I just don't buy it as a valid excuse. Yes, there are people out there who download the newest blockbusters so they don't have to pay for a DVD or Blu-Ray of the title, but I believe there are many more just like myself who use these sites to download films that have never had a U.S. home video release or fansubbed editions of foreign films that never had a proper release in the States. I only belong to one torrent site, Cinemageddon (I will not give out its URL, but it's easily found if you Google it), and I have only used it to download films from the Philippines and Indonesia that never had a home video release here. If the film did have a U.S. VHS release, I will not download the film from the torrent site, period. I will scour the Internet for auction sites that may have the title for sale and always pay for the privilege to see the film (or, in some cases, I just won't see the film). Here's the rub: The person who wants to download a film must do their research before using a torrent site. If the film has had a legitimate home video release in any format, it should be off-limits for downloading. So do your research before downloading a film for free. It's really not that hard and only takes a few minutes if you use search sites like Google or film sites like the IMDB. Yes, I know we live in an economy where money is low and watching films takes a back seat to such important things as eating and paying your rent, but that is no excuse for downloading a readily-available film from a torrent site for free. And I'm sick and tired of DVD companies complaining that the use of torrents sites hurts their bottom line so bad, they may go out of business. I firmly believe part of the problem lies with the rights holders of the films and the exorbitant amounts of money they ask for their prints. Blaming torrent sites for their bad business in an economy like this is just plain stupid. Maybe the MPAA and all the major film companies should try and figure out a way to stop China and other Asian countries from pirating their films. That's a major problem, yet you hardly read anything about it. People like myself (and I believe I'm in the majority here) want to feel the legitimate physical media in their hands, not a digital file on a hard drive. Blaming torrent sites (especially with all these FBI and Interpol raids) is just an idiotic excuse to put the blame on a growing problem on the Internet. The Internet is not to blame; it's the backwards approach that the MPAA and film companies take to fight the problem. At least a lot of the film companies are now streaming their titles, but believe me, when some hacker figures out a way to grab these titles off the Internet for free, the majority of the Internet community will suffer. It's like what the Music Industry said when the MP3 was born. They screamed, "This is the end of the music industry as we know it!" But when they adapted to the digital format on the Internet and saw that there was big money to be made, the Music Industry changed its mind really quickly and are making money hand-over-fist. Here's hoping that we quit blaming torrent sites and come up with a way to solve the film downloading problem. It's small potatoes, yet they treat it like it's the end of the world. And don't get me started on the pressed DVD/DVD-R debate. A digital file is a digital file, so as long as the releasing company puts their best effort into presenting the film on disc, I couldn't care if it is a pressed DVD or a DVD-R. If you didn't look at the physical media before putting it in your DVD player, there is no way you can tell the difference (except DVD-Rs take a little longer to load). And I'm also sick and tired of people saying that DVD-Rs have a short life span. If you use the correct brand of DVD-R media (like Verbatim), your discs should last a lifetime. I have had some for over ten years that play just as well as the day I made them. I've had more pressed DVDs fail on me than DVD-Rs. Agree with me or not, but those are the facts. If you are so worried that a DVD-R you bought is going to fail on you, make a backup. It only takes a couple of minutes and it will give you peace of mind. Also be mindful that weather can play a substantial part in how long your discs last. If you live in a dry climate without hardly any humidity, you really should have no problem with your discs. If you live in a high-humidity climate (like the tropics), your best bet is to store your discs in a dry, cool dark place like a closet.

BEST REMAKES OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM

Here is my list of best horror/fantasy/action/thriller remakes of the new Millennium. Yeah, I know, for every good one there are a dozen bad ones, but there have been some really fantastic ones that anti-remake people should see. I purposely kept remakes of animated (both TV and feature films) and live action TV shows off the list (such as MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE [1996; the year I believe the new Millennium started to affect filmmakers], STARSHIP TROOPERS [1997; there was a 6-part Japanese animated TV show titled "Uchû No Senshi" in 1988, the year author Robert A. Heinlein passed away],  CHARLIE'S ANGELS [2000; not the very short-lived 2011 TV Series remake], THE LITTLE VAMPIRE [2000; based on the German TV Series "Der kleine Vampir - Neue Abenteuer"],  SPIDER-MAN [2002], STARSKY & HUTCH [2004], SERENITY [2005, a continuation of the quickly canceled TV series FIREFLY - 2002], FANTASTIC FOUR [2005, not the embarassing 1994 Roger Corman production of the same name], BATMAN BEGINS [2005],  IRON MAN [2008], BLOOD: THE LAST VAMPIRE [2009], STAR TREK [2009], WATCHMEN [2009], THE A-TEAM [2010], 21 JUMP STREET [2012] and THE EQUALIZER [2014]) and live action remakes of video games (MARS ATTACKS! [1996], RESIDENT EVIL [2002], HELLBOY [2004], DOOM [2005], SILENT HILL [2006], FAR CRY [2008], PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIME [2010], all of which I really liked). For those of you wondering why I haven't put the new version of THE THING (2010) on either the best or worst list, it's easy to explain: It's a prequel, not a remake and just for the record, I liked it. This is my biased list based on my personal preference in no particular order:

1) MOTHER'S DAY (2010) - Simply fantastic home invasion horror thriller based on a real-life incident. A remake in-name only, although I am a big fan of the original 1980 film. Don't ask me to choose which one I like better..
2) DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004) - Proves that fast-moving zombies can be very scary. A perfect mix of horror and action. Comparing the 1978 original with the remake is like comparing apples with oranges.
3) LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (2009) - Sticks close to the 1972 original, but throws a few twists and turns of its own into the mix. The audience I was with cheered at the ending. Stay away from the semi-remake CHAOS (2003), starring the late Sage Stallone. It's nothing but gore for gore's sake and the lead bad guy gets away! (Review HERE).
4) LET ME IN (2010) - A near-perfect remake of the Swedish LET THE RIGHT ONE IN (2008). Too bad not many people saw it in theaters (due to a terrible ad campaign). The acting is top-notch and the storyline compelling. What more could you want?
5) MY BLOODY VALENTINE (2009) - A good old-fashioned horror film (shot in 3-D) that at least got the 1981 original released in its unedited glory on DVD. I never thought I would see the day!
6) THE CRAZIES (2009) - This is actually better than director George A. Romero's 1973 original, which I found to be very slow going. I was never a fan of Romero's original, but I like the remake very much.
7) I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE (2010) - As with THE CRAZIES, I was never a fan of the original 1978 film, so this remake is a vast improvement. Better acting (Sarah Butler makes a much stronger vengeful victim) and better effects (although the original's penis slicing will never leave your brain once you have seen it). There are some memorable deaths that differ from the original (The Sheriff and the retard's death in the finale [the Sheriff liked raping his victim up the ass, so she returns the favor with a shotgun up his]; the mechanic having all his teeth pulled out with pliers so he can suck on a pistol and then having his dick cut off with hedge shears and his dismembered penis shoved in his mouth; the videotape fanatic who is caught in a bear trap, tied to a tree, has his eyelids kept open by fishing hooks pulled tight to a tree by fishing line and has fish guts spread on his face while birds peck out his eyes; a guy who must try to keep his head above a bathtub filled with water and caustic lime and failing miserably, turning his face into a bloody pulp.), but the multiple rapes are still hard to watch. Stay away from the R-rated version and go for the Unrated one if you want to see all the good stuff, especially poor Tracey Walter's death by shotgun at the hands of the Sheriff. The new one spawned a slightly inferior sequel, I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE 2 (2013), both directed by Steven R. Monroe (IT WAITS - 2005; WYVERN - 2008). Sarah Butler returns as the same character in the Unrated I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE III: VENGEANCE IS MINE (2015), directed by R.D. Braunstein.
8) THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003) - Although my heart will always belong to the 1974 original, the performance by R. Lee Ermey in the remake will chill you to the bone. And the sequence where the camera pulls back from the front of the kid's van through the bullet hole in the suicidal girl's head is masterful. Skip the prequel, THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING (2006), directed by Jonathan Liebesman of the supremely awful DARKNESS FALLS  (2003), since we all know who will live and who will die. Did anyone actually think that Leatherface and his clan were going to die in this film? It's just gore for gore's sake (although we do find out how Monty [Terrence Evans] ends up in the wheelchair missing both of his legs below the knees). You should also skip TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE NEXT GENERATION (1994), director/screenwriter Kim Henkel's "What The Fuck?!?" reboot of the original film. If someone could explain the ending for me, especially the French-sounding guy who seems to be controling the family, please email me. The newest reboot, TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D (2012), ignores all the films in the series except the first original one and was the #1 U.S. boxoffice draw the first week of its theatrical release in January of 2013 (It was delayed from its original October 2012 theatrical release date due to the MPAA slapping an NC-17 Rating on it). It was savaged by critics, but since when did that stop anyone from seeing a film? I watched the Unrated version on VOD (so far, the only way to see the Unrated version in the U.S., since the DVD and Blu-Ray are of the theatrical R-Rated version) and it's pretty good, but not necessary at all (There are some gaping plot holes, especially regarding the timeline). It uses footage from the original Hooper film (which ends with new footage of the entire Sawyer clan being gunned down by the town's citizens, except for a female baby, who is kidnapped by a white trash married couple and raised in another state under the name Heather, unaware of her roots) and then switches to the present day, where Heather (Alexandra Daddario), inherits her unknown dead grandmother's mansion, not knowing that Leatherface lives in a locked apartment in the basement. Even though Leatherface (played by Dan Yeager) kills a lot of people (one is chainsawed in half while hanging on a meathook), the film makes him seem like he has a much more emotional core than the other films and even the police department head, Sheriff Hooper (Thom Barry), lets him and Heather get away with murdering those responsible for killing the Sawyer clan decades ago, including the town's mayor, Burt (Paul Rae), who organized the townspeople for the past Sawyer massacre (He has his hands chainsawed off and he falls into an industrial meat grinder). Look for cameos by Gunnar Hansen, Bill Moseley and the late Marilyn Burns in the new footage and a funny stinger after the end credits roll. It sets up for a sequel (rumored to be filmed and released in 2015) that could make Leatherface an anti-hero!
9) BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006) - Even though the late Bob Clark-directed 1974 original was considered a classic of its time (and one of the early slasher films), this remake has a lot to offer slasher fans, especially if you have a thing for eyes (lots of symbolism and violence connected to eyes). Not bad at all for a slasher flick.
10) THE RING (2002) - I'm not a big fan of Japanese horror films, so when director Gore Verbinski (A CURE FOR WELLNESS - 2017) decided to remake the 1998 Japanese original, I wasn't expecting much. Boy, was I wrong. This is a scary, well-photographed and expertly acted horror flick. Whomever said VHS is dead has never watched this film (or maybe they have).
11) PIRANHA (2010) - Fun 3-D remake (or reimagining in this case) of director Joe Dante's 1977 original. Lots of naked boobs (and full nudity), plenty of blood and gore and a hip sense of fun. Director Alexandre Aja, who made the so-so THE HILL HAVE EYES (2006) remake, as well as the boring MIRRORS (2008) remake, seems to be having a lot of fun here and it shows on the screen (It's the only time you'll see a piranha swallow Jerry O'Connell's dick and then spit it out in 3-D!). Also remade as a 1995 pay cable film. The sequel, PIRANHA 3DD (2011), directed by John Gulager (FEAST - 2006, and its two sequels [2008 & 2009]), is not as bad as some people say it is (It was supposed to be released theatrically, but went straight to Blu-Ray/DVD, which to some means that it was too awful for the big screen). It's not as good as the remake, but it has plenty of positive points, including lots of gore, naked breasts (and some full-frontal nudity), another 3-D penis gag (you have to see it to believe it) funny performances by David Koechner and David Hasselhoff (playing a parody version of himself), cameos by Gary Busey, Clu Gulager (John's father), an uncredited appearance by a legless Ving Rhames, reprising his role from the first film, who has a little extra firepower in one of his artifical metal legs (Paul Scheer also makes a reprise from the first film as Rhames' therapy partner) and the return of Christopher Lloyd as the piranha expert Mr. Goodwin. Not perfect, but a fun 83 minutes. John's next film, sadly, was a SyFy/The Asylum production called ZOMBIE NIGHT (2013). Still, it was pretty good given the paultry budget Gulager was given to make it and it has its fans because it has the Gulager touch.
12) FRIGHT NIGHT (2011) - Although the premise is the same (a vampire moves next door to a divorced mother and her son), the rest of the film is quite different than the 1985 original. Colin Farrell is appropriately creepy as Jerry ("That's a terrible vampire name. Jerry?", says Charlie Brewster [Anton Yelchin]), but the Peter Vincent character (here played by a rather good David Tennant as a magician/vampire "expert") is pared way-down from the original film, which hurts it somewhat. Still, there's enough good stuff here (including a cameo by the original's vampire, Chris Sarandon, as a motorist who suffers a horrible fate) to make watching the film worthwhile. I've read reviews where they say that Colin Farrell phones his performance in, but I wonder if they even bothered watching the film? Followed by a DTV sequel, FRIGHT NIGHT 2: NEW BLOOD (2013).
13) STRAW DOGS (2011) - Although it would nearly be impossible to improve upon director Sam Peckinpah's 1971 revenge thriller, this new version has enough verve to make you sit back and take notice. It's nothing spectacular, but it does have its positive points, including a really bloody finale (and, yes, a bear trap is involved).
14) THIR13EN GHOSTS (2001) - Totally different than director William Castle's 1960 predecessor, this reimagining is a winner of set design (the glass house itself should have won an Academy Award), makeup effects (you actually get to see someone sliced in half sideways, something I have never seen before) and some really scary ghosts. Besides, it's one of the few films out there to star Tony Shaloub in the main role.
15) HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (1999) - I'm letting this one slide by, even if it's not from the new Millennium because it's a thrill ride thanks to the love/hate relationship between Geoffrey Rush and Famke Janssen (you can really see the love they have for each other, even if they play the hate card more often), just like Vincent Price and Carol Ohmart did in the 1959 original. Not a perfect film (Chris Kattan, anyone?), but a fun one nonetheless with a must-see stinger when the end credits stop.
16) THE GRUDGE (2004) - Like I have said previously, I'm not the biggest fan of Japanese horror films, but when Hollywood hired Takashi Shimizu, the director of the 2002 original to "Americanize" the film, I was more than a little worried. Then I watched the film. It's one of the very few times that I jumped off my couch and was truly frightened (If you have seen the remake, you know what scene I am talking about). Jesus Christ Almighty, I think my skin left my body for a second! Screw the unneeded American sequels, this one is the real deal.
17) THE AMITYVILLE HORROR (2005) - I've seen a lot worse than this remake of what I consider an overlong 1979 original. The performances are restrained and not overblown (like Rod Steiger in the original) and it's nearly 30 minutes shorter than the original. Give it a try when you have the chance and you might be pleased with the results. For my review of the remake, click HERE.
18) DEATH RACE (2008) - Fun reimagining of DEATH RACE 2000 (1975); this one taking place at a prison where a reality TV program called "Death Race" gets plenty of good ratings, thanks to the mechanizations of crooked prison warden Joan Allen. The rules may have changed from the original, but that doesn't make this reimagining any less fun. It has spawned two sequels so far, but stick with the remake. Even The Asylum made their own version, DEATH RACERS (2008), starring members of the Insane Clown Posse!
19) SORORITY ROW (2009) - Pretty good remake of the 1982 original, instead this time the sorority girls accidentally kill one of their own (it was the house mother in the original), cover it up and someone is killing them one-by-one in retribution. The remake is no great shakes, but it does have a sense of fun and an attractive cast of girls (including Bruce Willis & Demi Moore's daughter, Rumer Willis, who is attractive in an unusual sort of way). Not a bad little slasher time-waster. For my review of the 1982 original, click HERE.
20) THE MECHANIC (2011) - Although I still prefer the Charles Bronson/Jan-Michael Vincent 1972 original, this remake is still a pretty good action vehicle starring Jason Statham (HOMEFRONT - 2013, written by Sylvester Stallone!) in the Bronson role and an underrated Ben Foster (INFERNO - 2016) in the Vincent role. Yes, there's still the memorable ending here that the original had, but with a slight twist. Not a bad action remake and good for at least one viewing. One question: Where does Jason Statham find the time to appear in so many action films in the last few years? It seems that whenever I turn on my TV, there's a different film he's starring in. Don't get me wrong, I like the guy. It's just that I don't want to see him burn himself out with audiences.
21) DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK (2010) - This remake of the 1973 TV Movie has some truly good jump scares, even if the little creatures from the original can't be replaced by this lover of 1970's TV Movies. This is probably one of Katie Holmes' greatest accomplishments, aside from her divorce from Tom Cruise and breaking off with Scientology. Not a great remake, but a good one.
22) THE WOMAN IN BLACK (2012) - It's hard for me to decide which is the better film: This excellent remake (from the new Hammer Films production company, the same outfit who gave us the wonderful LET ME IN [2010]) or the equally excellent British 1989 TV Movie. Both films are based on the Susan Hill novel of the same name (Don't read it alone at night because you'lll never get any sleep. Take it from someone who knows.) and both films will raise the hairs on the back of your neck with their creepiness and ghostly images. What the hell. See them both and decide for yourself. They are both different enough to merit repeat viewings.
23) THE LODGER (2009) - Crackling good thriller based on the 1944 original with the same name. There are a few differences: In the original, a woman believes she may have rented a room to Jack The Ripper (Laird Cregar). In the remake, a delusional woman rents a guest house to a mysterious stranger (Simon Baker; THE MENTALIST - 2008-2015), who may be committing Jack The Ripper-like murders across to city, much to the consternation of a very troubled detective (an excellent Alfred Molina; "Doc Ock" in SPIDER-MAN 2 - 2004; the short-lived [and retooled mid-season] LAW & ORDER: LOS ANGELES - 2010-2011). In the remake, the question becomes: Is the mysterious stranger nothing but a figment of the woman's troubled imagination, since she is on anti-psychotic medication and spent some time in an institution? The ending resolves that question. As can be expected by the 65-year difference, the remake is much more bloodier than the original, but both films are excellent examples of how to make a taut movie that holds your attention.
24) DREDD 3D (2012) - Karl Urban (DOOM - 2005) lets his chin do the talking in this OK reimagining of the 1995 Sylvester Stallone film JUDGE DREDD (although I miss uber-religious cannibal Pa Angel [an uncredited Scott Wilson] and his boys [especially "Mean Machine", played by Chris Adamson] in the new film). The remake is more like a futuristic DIE HARD (1988) than a Dredd film, but that doesn't matter. It's a good, bloody, shoot 'em-up with lots of action and very little brain cell activity. We all need that kind of film every now and then. Well, at least the new film doesn't have Rob Schneider as comedy relief. I just wish this 3D fad will die out soon. Being born with only one good eye, it leaves me fewer choices of theaters to go see a 3D film in 2D. You need two good eyes to view 3D, although you do understand what the filmmakers were going for when watching the film in 2D. NOTE: There is a grassroots movement to get another Dredd film made and Urban (who just finished a run on the canceled TV series ALMOST HUMAN - 2013-2014) is more than willing to do another one, but the first film didn't do well financially in theaters and the studio isn't biting.
25) THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1 2 3 (2009) - Enjoyable updating of the 1974 original, which was titled THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE (Notice the difference?). Denzel Washington takes the Walter Matthau role and John Travolta (who was going through the grief process of the unexpected death of his son Jett during filming) the Robert Shaw role from the original and both films are different enough (the first one was about collecting ransom money and the second one about shortselling the Stock Market and making a fortune in gold) to enjoy on their own merits. The only thing missing from the remake is the final Walter Matthau "Gotcha!" moment when he visits Martin Balsam's apartment. That is one of the more iconic scenes in a 70's action film, right up there with Jan-Michael Vincent's death in THE MECHANIC (1972). Tony Scott, the director of the remake, unfortunately took his own life in 2012 by jumping off a bridge. The reasons are still unclear. There was also a Canadian TV remake of the film in 1998 starring Edward James Olmos (good guy) and Vincent D'Onofrio (bad guy), but the less said about it, the better. I'm tired of Canadian films trying to pass themselves as being set in New York City.
26) SHERLOCK HOLMES (2009) - Being a Baby-Boomer, I was always fed a steady diet of Basil Rathbone as Holmes and Nigel Bruce as Watson in the series of films they did in the 30's & 40's and I loved them all (even if I thought Rathbone's Holmes was somewhat of a bully to Watson). There have been plenty of actors who have played Holmes in the past 70 years, but even I was quite pleased with director Guy Ritchie's updating of the Sherlock Holmes mythology (it's probably the best film Ritchie has ever done). Robert Downey Jr. plays Holmes as a two-fisted fighter who sees his opponent's moves a few steps before his opponent does and uses the experience for the money and the rush (he still likes his liquid cocaine, too). Jude Law as Watson is pitch-perfect as his companion who is about to get married (Holmes uses his bag of tricks to try to dissolve the wedding, but he's got a great opponent in Watson's intended, Mary, played by Kelly Reilly) and the chemistry between Holmes and Watson couldn't be better. Since this is a Guy Ritchie film, there are some great action set-pieces as well as some really surprising emotional moments. This is one franchise I won't mind continuing on for years to come. A sequel, SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS (2011), proved that Guy Ritchie's first film wasn't a fluke (he also directed the sequel). This is the new Sherlock Holmes for the new Millennium, even though it takes place in a highly-fictionalized late 1800's London. Worth your time.
27) THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2011) - I find everything that director David Fincher does very interesting (even if some of his films are overlong) and I like this film, too. I like the 2009 Swedish TV Movie, also. Both are based on the first part of trilogy of novels by late author Stieg Larsson (which I have never read) and I feel if you watch both films, there really is no need to read the book. I do believe that Daniel Craig is miscast in the Fincher version (I can think of at least ten other actors who would have been better, at least for not reminding some audience members that they are watching the most recent James Bond on-screen), but it is still a great adaptation of a best-selling novel. I know many people who won't watch the Swedish original films (all three novels have been adapted) because they hate reading subtitles, but they are nothing but lazy slobs. As I write this, Fincher is in development to film the second novel, "The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets' Nest". Having already viewing the Swedish version, I can't wait to see what Fincher does with it.
28) THE LONGEST YARD (2005) - As a general rule of thumb, I hate most Adam Sandler movies. Hate 'em with a passion. But this remake of the Burt Reynolds 1974 classic is a pretty good comedy/action film and has the sense enough not to let Sandler get all the good jokes. For one, Burt Reynolds also stars in this one, but as the prisoners' football team's manager and Ed Lauter, also from the original film, puts in an appearance. The remake is full of big, brawny men, both on the guards' and prisoners' sides, including WWE wrestlers and real-life ex-NFL football players (including Brian Bosworth) and since it is a Sandler film, it seems to get away with a lot more violence and foul language for a PG-13 film than the MPAA usually allows. The final football game is just as good as the original's and will have you on the edge of your seat. The remake was the second highest-grossing sports comedy of all time. The highest-grossing? Sandler's THE WATERBOY (1998), proving once again that there's no accounting for good taste!
29) TOOLBOX MURDERS (2003) - This Tobe Hooper-directed horror flick has very little to do with the 1978 original of the same name, except the killer uses tools to do his killings. That is where the similarity ends. Both films then veer-off far from each other. I actually like Tobe Hooper's version better, because it keeps you guessing. The original was great when Cameron Mitchell was killing the residents of his apartment complex with assorted power tools, but as soon as he kidnapped the little girl, the film lost its edge. For my review of the remake, click HERE.
30) FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX (2004) - Faithful adaptation of the 1965 original starring James Stewart. A plane crashes in the desert and the survivors must find a way to make a whole new plane out of the parts of the wrecked plane. Dennis Quaid (taking the Stewart role) and Giovanni Ribisi (taking the role originated by Hardy Kruger) are quite good and there are scenes that will have you gripping the sides of the couch. While some people may be wondering why redo a film if you are going to do a scene-for-scene remake, show them this movie. It just may change their minds. The acting is generally good all around (including a pre-HOUSE M.D. Hugh Laurie and a pre-SUPERNATURAL Jared Padalecki), including turns by singers Tyrese Gibson and Sticky Fingaz (who uses his real name "Kirk Jones" in the credits). Not a bad action/human drama hybrid.
31) ZATOICHI (2003) - Zatoichi, The Blind Swordsman has been a part of the Japanese filmic vernacular since the early 60's, churning-out 26 official films in the franchise and over 100 TV episodes, but when Takeshi Kitano (a.k.a. "Beat Takashi") decided to reboot the franchise with his own film of the now-legendary figure (who he plays himself), he had everyone worried that he was going to turn it into a non-stop gorefest (like most of his films up to the time). Boy were they in for a surprise. Kitano still had plenty of violence in this film, but it was highly stylized and, horror of horrors, it contained a lot of comedy, much of which worked perfectly within Kitano's screenplay. And he closes the film with one of the best "What The Fuck?!?" choreographed dance sequences in the history of Japanese film. I remember watching the film for the first time a sitting there slack-jawed as the dance sequence played, rewinding it several times to make sure my brain was extrapolating what my eyes were seeing. This is grand, sweeping entertainment and should be seen by anyone who is a fan of the series.
32) WALKING TALL (2004) - Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has come a long way as an actor since his days with the WWE (C'mon now, that's all wrestling is: acting and strength, with the occasional bloody accident) and I have no qualms with the 1973 original starring Joe Don Baker (a great actor, in my opinion) as Sheriff Buford Pusser (which spawned two sequels, WALKING TALL PART 2 - 1975 and FINAL CHAPTER: WALKING TALL - 1977, both starring Bo Svenson as Pusser), but Johnson (who does not play Pusser; this film has nothing to do with Pusser's career) has a presence that just cannot be denied and his brawl with blue-eyed, bad guy Neil McDonough is a corker. Just make sure that you watch the DVD version of the film, as it restores all the scenes edited out to get a theatrical PG-13 Rating and it has an alternate ending (which I prefer, by the way). This is just a fun action film with a good turn by Johnny Knoxville as Johnson's best friend and eventual deputy, who likes his new job maybe a little too much. The original spawned a 1978 TV Movie, A REAL AMERICAN HERO, starring Brian Dennehy as Pusser and a short-lived 1981 TV Series starring Bo Svenson as Pusser (it lasted 7 episodes) and a couple of 2007 pay cable films starring Kevin Sorbo (but not as as Pusser).
33) MAN ON FIRE (2004) - I really, really wanted to dislike this overlong 142 minute remake (directed by the late Tony Scott) of the 92 minute 1987 original, especially with the subtitles moving all over the screen and other editing tricks (including draining the color out of the film so that it looks like it was filmed through a gold lens), but damn if Denzel Washington (replacing Scott Glenn in the original) didn't win me over as an alcoholic bodyguard that will do anything to get back the little girl (Dakota Fanning, in a great performance) who was kidnapped by Mexican bad guys, even offering his life in exchange for hers. He'll shoot, blow-up and generally do everything violent in his playbook to get her back and we get to go along for the violent ride. Like I said, at 142 minutes it's more than a little overlong (a Tony Scott trait), but there's a lot of emotional scenes to go along with the gunshots and explosions and we get the feeling that Washington really cares for the little girl and she feels the same way about him.  Both the original and remake offer the same storyline and I like the original a lot, but the remake has a core of emotion usually not found in a Scott film (try keeping your eyes dry at the finale). I know a lot of people will disagree with me, but that is why we are all different.
34) THE ITALIAN JOB (2003) - This is not a remake per se of the 1969 original, but it still is a fun little crime caper that has one thing in common with the original: A race of Mini Coopers through underground tunnels, but that is where the similarities end. I like the original (It has Benny Hill in a major role for Christ's sake and that's worth a viewing from me anytime!) and I also like the "remake" (even though Mark Wahlberg is no Michael Caine), so grab both films, put your mind in neutral and just enjoy the rides. The only thing that bothered me in the remake is that Seth Green can do things with his laptop that are just plain not physically or mechanically possible. Watch the film and you'll know what I mean.
35) THE SHAFT (2001) - Director Dick Maas took his 1983 Dutch horror/comedy THE LIFT and Americanized it (The film stars Naomi Watts, James Marshall, Michael Ironside, Ron Perlman, Dan Hedaya and Edward Herrmann, but the majority of the remake was still made in the Netherlands made to look like New York City, although exteriors were filmed in NYC). Both films deal with elevators with minds of their own, decapitating and killing the riders, but where the original was played mainly for laughs, the remake is mostly deadly serious and it works. I'm a big fan of Dick Maas (try watching AMSTERDAMNED [1988] and DO NOT DISTURB [1999] and see if you agree with me) because he has a style that's completely his own. Both the original and remake are worth you hard-earned free time.
36) INSOMNIA (2002) - Is director Christopher Nolan capable of making a bad film? In this remake of the 1997 Norwegian/Swedish film directed by Erik Skjoldbjærg, Al Pacino (in a role originated by Stellan Skarsgård) plays a troubled cop sent to Alaska to investigate a murder during a time when there is nothing but sunlight 24 hours a day. He suffers from the title malady not just because of the constant light, but because he is covering-up his accidental shooting death of another cop. He is blackmailed by a psychopath (excellently played by Robin Williams) who knows his secret and is also under suspicion by his new partner, played by Hilary Swank (also excellent). This is a really tense film and a perfect companion to the original. This is Pacino's best role in years (you can actually see the tiredness in his eyes, not just about the insomnia, but the fact that his covering-up the accidental cop homicide is eating away at his conscience) and the late Robin Williams really impresses as a sociopath who pulls Pacino's strings like a master puppeteer. If you haven't seen it, what are you waiting for?
37) THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR (1999) - Fun remake of the Steve McQueen/Faye Dunaway (she has a part in the remake as a psychiatrist) 1968 bank heist caper (in the remake, it's an art heist) with Pierce Brosnan and Rene Russo taking the McQueen/Dunaway roles and doing a very good job with them. They definitely have on-screen chemistry and the screenplay has enough twists and turns to keep you entertained for 113 minutes. You could do a lot worse than watching this remake.
38) THE BOX (2009) - I know I'm in the minority on this one, but I found director's Richard Kelly's version of writer's Richard Matheson's story "Button, Button" (first filmed as an episode of the 1980's version of THE TWILIGHT ZONE [1985 - 1989]) a fascinating and complex theme on greed and the human condition. If it's subtext and symbolism that you like, you can do no better than this film (I like it better than Kelly's richly symbolic DONNIE DARKO - 2001). A badly facially-scarred Frank Langella (an excellent make-up job), the unlucky subject of a lightning strike (which carried an alien presence that entered his body), comes to the house of married couple Cameron Diaz (who has a malformed foot) and NASA employee James Marsden and puts a box with a huge red button on their table. He tells the couple that if they press the button, they will receive one million dollars tax-free, but someone they don't know will die if they press the button. The lure of one million dollars is too much to endure, so they press the button. What happens next is best left for the viewers to discover, but it is not an easy film to comprehend, because it is full of deep symbolism and hidden subtext. That's OK with me, because Kelly is a director who has no equal today (he even out-Lynches David Lynch) and I admire that he makes films that actually make you think (I even enjoyed his highly-panned SOUTHLAND TALES - 2006). This film did absolutely no business at the boxoffice and was mostly torn to shreds by critics, but people with a taste for the unique will do no better than this film. I know I said at the beginning of this list that I was going to keep TV remakes off my "best of" list, but this film is really much more than the TZ episode (Which originally aired March 7, 1986).
39) THE WOLFMAN (2010) - Let's get one thing straight: The original THE WOLF MAN (1941) is a classic and it contains some great creepy sequences. This remake of that film (lensed in 2008, but not released theatrically until 2010, which set the rumor mill abuzz that the film was a stinker) is actually quite good and is just creepy and atmospheric enough to merit a few viewings (The DVD release contains both the Unrated 119-minute Director's cut [recommended; and it opens with the Universal black & white logo used in the 1941 version, which was a nice touch and also contains a cameo by Max Von Sydow, who gives Lawrence Talbot an important item while on a train ride] and the 109 minute R-Rated theatrical cut [which contains none of the stuff I just mentioned]). The werewolf makeup effects, by Rick Baker (who won an Academy Award), are excellent, but time restraints made them use CGI for the actual transformation scenes (never a good thing, but I can live with it in this film). The acting is excellent all around (even the usually mumbling Benicio Del Toro as Lawrence Talbot is great) and the gore is quite violent for a film from a major studio. Rent the DVD and watch the Director's Cut. You may be pleased that you did.
40) THE KILLER INSIDE ME (2010) - Based on the same Jim Thompson novel as the 1976 film directed by Burt Kennedy and starring Stacy Keach and the late Susan Tyrrell, this remake is probably one of the best noir thrillers of the new Millennium. This new film, starring the under-rated Casey Affleck (the brother of Ben Affleck and star of Ben's excellent GONE BABY GONE - 2007), Kate Hudson and Jessica Alba is about as shadowy as you can get and still make out the action. Director Michael Winterbottom and screenwriter John Curran have fashioned a film that is faithful to Thompson's novel (which I have read) and still made a film that they can call all their own. The filmmakers nailed certain scenes from the book, something that is very hard to do with Jim Thompson novels. This film did very little business in theaters, so buy or rent the DVD and enjoy the dark, dark ride.
41) 13 (2010) - French director Géla Babluani took his black & white classic award-winning thriller 13 TZAMETI (2005) and Americanized it, this time filming it in color. Surprisingly, it holds up very well when compared to the original and stars such well-known actors as Jason Statham, Curtis '50 Cent' Jackson (who really needs an acting coach), Mickey Rourke, Ray Winstone, Alexander Skarsgård, Chuck Zito, David Zayas (Showtime's DEXTER) and a nearly unrecognizable Ben Gazzara (in one of his last film roles). The story is very simple: A young man (Sam Riley) with money troubles, steals the identity of a dead man and enters himself in some unknown contest where the winner will receive nearly two million dollars. What he doesn't realize is that he has just entered a contest of life and death (he is assigned the number 13), where the master of ceremonies (a chilling Michael Shannon of BOARDWALK EMPIRE) picks people to play a bastardized version of Russian Roulette (I won't spoil the game for people who haven't seen the film). There are important flashbacks which fill in the blanks of the other contestants' lives (particularly telling is what Jason Statham does with his brother), as we find out that this is financed by a bunch of bored rich people who watch the action from above. Who will be the winner? I'm afraid you will have to watch the film to find out. One warning: This film is not for the squeamish or for those who easily get queasy, but it is worth the time of everyone else who enjoys a good thriller.
42) CONTRABAND (2012) - I'm not the biggest fan of Mark Wahlberg the actor (although his producing credits are impeccable and his chemistry with Will Ferrell in THE OTHER GUYS [2010] is laugh-out-loud funny, especially their exchange about lions and tuna), but this remake of the 2008 Icelandic film REYKJAVIK ROTTERDAM ("Reykjavik To Rotterdam") is one of Wahlberg's best roles and one of the best action films of early 2012.  Retired smuggler Chris Farraday (Wahlberg) gets back into the business of scoring millions of dollars in counterfeit bills, as he heads to Panama to save his brother's life. The action comes fast and furious and Wahlberg is capably helped by the presence of Ben Foster, Giovonni Ribisi, Kate Beckinsale, Lucas Haas and a great stunt team. Give this one a look the next time you are on Netflix or just buy the DVD. Action films aren't dead and this film proves it. This film almost makes me forgive Wahlberg for starring in that terrible PLANET OF THE APES (2001) remake. Almost.
43) MIGHTY JOE YOUNG (1998) - Fun, playful adaptation of the 1949 original, which concerns a giant ape named Mighty Joe Young (Ray Harryhausen did the majority of stop-motion effects in the original, not Willis O'Brien; Rick Baker did the ape makeup in the remake, which was a combination of forced-perspective shots, model work and CGI) and his capture from Africa and trip to Los Angeles. A lot of people compare the 1949 film to the original KING KONG (1933), but this film and the remake are much more humanistic fantasies, as Joe is never really a threat to anyone in both the original and Disney remake. We see that Joe is a big softee at heart when he saves a bunch of orphans in a burning building in the original (the only sequence filmed in sepiatone color) and saves a bunch of people from a burning ferris wheel in L.A. in the remake. The monsters in both films are humans who want to kill Joe and mount his head on a wall. Both Bill Paxton (who plays "Gregg O'Hara", a combination of Ben Johnson and Robert Armstrong's names in the original) and Charlize Theron (as Joe's "sister", who grew up with him in Africa) are fine in the remake, but the real star are the excellent special effects. It was also nice to see Ray Harryhausen and original star Terry Moore have a funny cameo in the remake. I'd make Joe my friend any day and so would you. This is one remake that doesn't shit on the original. It follows the first film closely, except for a few minor things here and there. Give it a try. If you have kids, they will love it. But aren't we all kids at heart?
44) THE JACKAL (1997) - Terrific updating of the 1973 film THE DAY OF THE JACKAL, both based on a novel by Frederick Forsyth (who for some reason or another demanded his name be taken off the remake). The original had Edward Fox as The Jackal, a hired assassin whose next job was to kill the then-President of France, Charles De Gaulle. In the remake, Bruce Willis is The Jackal, one of the best assassins in the world and a master of disguise. He's so good, in fact, that no one has ever seen his face except for Richard Gere, who is in prison for being an Irish terrorist (if there is one fault to this remake, it's Gere's Irish accent, which comes and goes). FBI Deputy Sidney Poitier releases Gere from prison with the promise of a pardon (which Gere knows is a false promise) if he identifies and stops The Jackal, who is now in the United States to assassinate the First Lady (Tess Harper) and the FBI Director. It's a wildly entertaining film, with Willis donning many disguises (he even plays a gay man) and the chemistry between Gere and Poitier cannot be denied. Besides, if you ever wanted to see Jack Black get one of his arms blown off and then cut down in pieces with a special weapon that he has built for The Jackal, then this is the film for you. It's a little long at over two hours, but you'll never be bored. The scene where Willis takes on a houseful of FBI agents (and a facially-scarred Russian agent, perfectly played by Diane Venora) should be considered a classic of suspense (and it's sad as hell). Look for an early performance by Daniel Dae Kim (LOST [2004 - 2010]; HAWAII FIVE-O [2011 - ?]) as Akashi, an FBI sniper who plays an important role towards the finale.
45) THE HILLS HAVE EYES (2006) - I've been sitting on the fence about where to put this remake of director Wes Craven's 1977 original since I began the best/worst lists. After watching the Unrated DVD of the remake again (directed by Alexandre Aja; HAUTE (HIGH) TENSION - 2003,  MIRRORS - 2008; PIRANHA 3D - 2010), I decided to give it a positive review. It's a lot more suspenseful than I remember when I saw it originally and there are some just plain weird sequences in this film that send chills down your spine. The makeup effects are above average (although it is plain to see that CGI was used in some of the sequences to "juice-up" the practical effects) and the mutant family is a sight to behold. There's also no denying that the remake's sequel, THE HILLS HAVE EYES II (2007; directed by Martin Weisz; GRIMM LOVE - 2006) is miles better than Craven's sequel to his orginal, THE HILLS HAVE EYES PART II (1984), even if the screenplay to the remake's sequel is credited to Wes Craven and son Jonathan Craven. At least there are no dog flashbacks!
46) NIGHTWATCH (1997) - Director Ole Bornedal took his 1994 Danish film of the same name (a.k.a. NATTEVAGTEN) and turned it into an above-average Americanized mystery with bloody trappings. Medical student Ewan McGregor take a job as a watchman at a morgue, where a series of necrophelia incidents have happened over the years (only to young female corpses). Cop Nick Nolte starts to implicate Ewan in the disgusting attacks, but Ewan does some investigation of his own and discovers something that will put the his life, as well as the life of best friend Josh Brolin and girlfriend Patricia Arquette in deadly trouble. Look for John C. Reilly as a detective in an uncredited scene. A good little time-waster with some really atmospheric and chilling scenes. Be aware that Executive Producers Bob & Harvey Weinstein cut nearly 50 minutes from the film (it originally ran slightly over 150 minutes) that deletes a whole wedding sub-plot. In other words, typical Weinstein tampering. It really doesn't hurt the film, though, but it sure would be nice to see the film as it was originally shot.
47) CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER (2011) - Absolutely entertaining super hero flick (probably the best of 2011). Chris Evans makes a perfect Steve Rogers, a.k.a. Captain America, and the screenplay by Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely makes sure that you are cheering in your seats and rooting for good old Captain America. This is probably director Joe Johnston's (THE WOLFMAN - 2010) best film and will immediately make you forget the terrible 1990 film directed by the Master of Bad, Albert Pyun, where Matt Salinger played the Captain and the two TV Movies, CAPTAIN AMERICA (1978) and CAPTAIN AMERICA II (1979), both starring Reb Brown as the Captain. Chris Evans would return as Captain America in 2012's THE AVENGERS, an ensemble super hero flick that, in my opinion,  is the best action film of the year. I typically don't like films based on comic books (or, excuse me "graphic novels"), but this remake has all the right ingredients to keep you entertained and wanting more. Expect more in the near future. To read my review of the Albert Pyun disaster, click HERE.
48) DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE (2002) - Here's a recent version of Robert Louis Stevenson's novel that is actually more faithful than the dozens of films based on the same novel, including the silent 1920 version starring John Barrymore, the 1931 version starring Fredric March, the 1941 version starring Spencer Tracy, Hammer Films' THE TWO FACES OF DR. JEKYLL (1960), THE STRANGE CASE OF DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE (1968) starring Jack Palance and various bastardizations of the story, such as ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE (1953), DAUGHTER OF DR. JEKYLL (1957), Paul Naschy in DR. JEKYLL AND THE WOLFMAN (1971; Read review HERE), THE JEKYLL AND HYDE PORTFOLIO (1971; Read review HERE), Christopher Lee in Amicus Films' I, MONSTER (1971), Hammer Films' DR. JEKYLL AND SISTER HYDE (1971), director Andy Milligan's THE MAN WITH TWO HEADS (1972), the blaxploitation DR. BLACK MR HYDE (1975; Read review HERE), DR. JEKYLL'S DUNGEON OF DEATH (1979; Read review HERE), Oliver Reed in DR. HECKYL AND MR. HYPE (1980), the extremely bad drug comedy JEKYLL & HYDE...TOGETHER AGAIN (1982), Anthony Perkins in EDGE OF SANITY (1988), the terrible DR. JEKYLL AND MS. HYDE (1995), the vastly underrated MARY REILLY (1996), Tony Todd in the laughable (not intentionally so) THE STRANGE CASE OF DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE (2006), even a softcore version, THE ADULT VERSION OF JEKYLL AND HIDE (1972; Read review HERE), a porn version, THE EROTIC DR. JEKYLL (1976), and literally a dozen or so TV versions. What makes this 2002 remake so inviting? Well, for starters, the Jekyll/Hyde character is almost a secondary character, just like in the original novel. It was more like a Sherlock Holmes mystery, with Dr. Jekyll's best friend Utterson investigating a series of murders in 1900 London (the film takes place about twenty years later than the novel) and leads him to the mysterious Edward Hyde. The film is based on Mark Redfield's (who wrote/directed and plays Jekyll/Hyde, with some very cool transformation scenes) 1990 theatrical play and it does show its theatrical roots every now and then (along with its meager budget), but it is also very entertaining and very well acted by a cast of stage pros. The even better news is that the DVD can be picked-up for $5.99 (or less) from Oldies.Com. It's not overly bloody, but here's a chance to see a film that about as close to the original novel as you are probably going to get. Pick it up!
49) THE DEPARTED (2006) - This Martin Scorsese-directed thriller won four Academy Awards (Scorsese for Best Director; Best Picture Of The Year; Best Editing (Thelma Schoonmaker, who has edited all of Scorsese's films since RAGING BULL - 1980); and Best Adapted Screenplay (William Monahan). Mark Wahlberg was nominated for Best Supporting Actor, but lost.) and rightfully so, but few viewers who sat there enthralled while watching the film were aware that it is actually a remake of all three Hong Kong INFERNAL AFFAIRS films (2002 - 2003), which are just as good (if not better; especially the first film of the trio, all directed by the team of Andrew Law & Alan Mak) as the Scorsese film. I'm not taking anything away from Scorsese here; he deserved all the accolades he got from this film, but I wish people adverse to subtitles would wise-up and watch the three Hong Kong films. They are that good. Until that happens, we always have the Scorsese film to fall back on and it's a corker. The casting is pitch-perfect (although Jack Nicholson seems to be getting stale as of late) and the story will have you glued to your seat until the satisfying conclusion. This is another one of those occasions of not being able to decide which version I think is best, so I'll just say watch them all.
50) THE MUMMY (1999) - Director Stephen Sommers' successful reboot of the Universal Studios famous monster, only this time it is played more like a RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981) adventure film than a straight-out horror film, like the Boris Karloff 1932 original, a series of four Mummy films in the 1940's and ending up with the final Universal Mummy film, ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET THE MUMMY (1955; which was also the end of Abbott and Costello's partnership with Universal). Hammer Films then took up the mantle with a 1959 remake and three other mummy films, ending with BLOOD FROM THE MUMMY'S TOMB (1971). There were various bad mummy films made since then (see my LEGEND OF THE MUMMY [1998] review in the Worst Remake list), but it took this 1999 reboot to make the Mummy popular again. Followed by two equally successful sequels, THE MUMMY RETURNS (2001; my favorite of the trio) and THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR (2008; directed by Rob Cohen). Hell, it is head and shoulders above the 2017 Tom Cruise turd and CGI-fest THE MUMMY.
51) THE PLEDGE (2001) - Everyone knows that Sean Penn is a terrific actor when given the right material (look at his performance in MYSTIC RIVER - 2003), but not a lot of people know that he's even a better director. If you want to experience Penn as a director, look no further than this film, a remake of a 1958 German/Italian co-production titled IT HAPPENED IN BROAD DAYLIGHT (both films based on the book "Es Geschah Am Hellichten Tag" by Friedrich Dürrenmatt). In this film, weary retiring chief of detectives Jerry Black (Jack Nicholson, in one of his best performances of the new Millennium) makes a promise (the "pledge" of the title) to the mother of a murdered girl that he will find the killer. Even after he retires, he continues his hunt for the killer (all the other cops think he is too old and out of his mind) and even makes friends with another mother who has a young daughter (Jerry and the daughter become fast friends). When the killer is supposedly caught, Jerry believes they have the wrong man and he does something very stupid: He uses the young daughter he has befriended as bait for the real killer. To tell any more would be a crime unto itself, except to say it ends like some Greek tragedy. The film is deliberately slowly-paced, so don't go into it looking for your usual slam-bang thriller. This is a cerebral thriller, one in which you have to use your brians as well as your eyes, but the payoff is worth it.
52) THE EXPERIMENT (2010) - This remake of the German film DAS EXPERIMENT (2001) is a great exploration of the human condition (so is the original film, so don't ask me which one I like better). Based on a real-life scientific psychological test called "The Stanford Experiment", it is the story of 24 "everyday" people who volunteer to participate in a two week experiment where everyone is put in a prison and 8 of the people are assigned as "guards" and the other 16 are assigned as the "prisoners". It is not long before the "guards" start abusing the "prisoners" and the "prisoners" begin becoming just as violent, not just against the guards, but also amongst themselves. The results are frightening and the real-life scientific experiment was stopped early and was never performed again because it was considered too inhumane to everyone involved. People with normal, everyday jobs were turned into violent, nearly soulless tormentors because they were either put in a position of authority or stuck in a cell and treated like animals. It just shows that every one of us is capable of violence if put in a position such as these people were. The real-life Stanford Experiment involved college-aged volunteers, but both films use adults as the guards and prisoners. Both of these films are excellent examples why prison is not the answer for most minor crimes (especially drug abusers). All it does is make the "criminal" a worse person than he/she already is. Watch both films to see what I mean. They take certain liberties with the results of the real experiment (although some of the incidents on screen actually happened, especially the fire extinguisher sequence), but there is no denying the results. Powerful stuff and something to chew on. The remake was supposed to be released to theaters, but went directly to DVD, VOD and pay cable instead, probably because it was considered too "intellectual" for normal audiences, even though it contained such bankable stars as Adrien Brody and Forest Whitaker (both Academy Award winners). I think it's about time Hollywood gives the audience a little more credit than they do. We are not all morons.
53) THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY (1999) - Twisty, turny comedy thriller where nothing is ever what it seems. Based on the Patricia Highsmith novel of the same name, the same book the French film PURPLE NOON (1960), directed by René Clément, was based on. For those of you who hate reading English subtitles (shame on you, because the French film is really good!), this remake is the way to go. It always takes a left turn when you think it is going to take a right turn and actors Matt Damon (as the master of disguise without disguises, Tom Ripley), Gwyneth Paltrow, Jude Law (who is simply magnificent), Cate Blanchett and Philip Seymour Hoffman are above reproach. The remake inspired two sequels with different actors taking the role of Tom Ripley (John Malkovich for the second and Barry Pepper for the third, which is right on target if you've ever read the Highsmith novels). In the mood for a good thriller that will keep you guessing? You can do a whole lot worse than renting or buying this film.
54) SLEEPY HOLLOW (1999) - This is the last great film directed by Tim Burton until FRANKENWEENIE (2012). Based loosely on author Washington Irving's classic story, THE LEGEND OF SLEEPY HOLLOW (Made as a 1979 TV Movie starring Jeff Goldblum and a 1999 TV Movie starring Brent Carver, among other adaptations over the decades, including a 1949 Walt Disney animated short), this reimagining of the story finds detective Ichabod Crane (Johnny Depp, who else?) traveling to the town of Sleepy Hollow to investigate a series of murders supposedly caused by a headless horseman. Detective Crane uses forensics evidence (unheard of at the time) to solve the case, but will he be able to save new love Katrina (Christina Ricci, who has the biggest forehead of any woman I have ever seen)? This is a fun, atmospheric period film that should please both the eyes and the ears. Too bad that director Tim Burton continued to use Johnny Depp in the majority of his films after this one. Depp is not a bad actor; Burton just put him in roles that didn't suit him, unlike directors Roman Polanski (THE NINTH GATE - 1999) and the Hughes Brothers (FROM HELL - 2001).
55) THE ECHO (2008) - Filipino director Yam Laranas decided that his first American film would be the remake of his 2004 horror hit SIGAW (a.k.a. THE ECHO) and it was a wise decision. Jesse Bradford stars as Bobby, an ex-con just out of prison who must stay in his dead mother's apartment as part of his parole. This apartment building is the picture of "run down", with holes in the ceiling and walls and many apartments empty. It seems the only people living on Bobby's floor are a cop and his family and a strange man named Joseph (the always welcome Pruitt Taylor Vince [and his darting eyes]). Bobby begins to hear strange noises and sees the cop (Kevin Durand) beat his wife constantly, sometimes using his billy club to do the deed. When Bobby reports the abuse to the police, they not only disbelieve him because he's an ex-con on parole, but when they search the cop's apartment, it's empty and looks like it hasn't been lived in for years. When the cop's little daughter asks Bobby for help, it leads to a situation best left for the viewer to discover. Let's just say that Bobby begins to think that his mother did not die of natural causes. Creepy to the extreme, this film will satisfy most people who love ghost stories.
56) SILENT NIGHT (2012) - This remake of SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT (1984) is a good old-fashioned gore film, the kind that use to get made in the 80's. Foregoing CGI for practical effects (always a good thing), this film finds someone in a Santa Claus suit murdering people in very graphic ways. Police Chief Malcolm McDowell and Deputy Jaime King (who has some emotional issues, like freezing-up when she has her weapon drawn) are investigating the killings. Do they have something to do with an occurance that happened in the King family's past? I won't tell, but there is much to admire here; from the opening electrocution of Brendan Fehr; graphic stabbings; a scythe-like object planted in a soft-porn photographer's crotch; a topless girl running away from the killer, only to have one of her legs cut off with an axe and then having her whole body (including the amputated leg) graphically fed to a woodchipper; a bullet to the head; a young, snotty girl getting shocked with a cattle prod and then being run through with a skewer and other gory mayhem. There's also a reproduction of Linnea Quigley's death by antlers in this film, only this time the girl isn't topless (there's plenty of nudity in the film, though). Her boyfriend has his head cleaved in two with an axe. The ending is a little pat, but it does manage to answer some very important questions, as well as leaving the film wide-open for a sequel. Director Steven C. Miller (AUTOMATON TRANSFUSION - 2006; SCREAM OF THE BANSHEE - 2011; UNDER THE BED - 2013) has made a film that is respectful to the original and may just pass it as a better film. I loved it. Besides, any film that takes the time to make fun of GLEE, Tim Tebow and pay homage to the "Garbage Day" sequence in the original's Part 2, can't be all bad.
57) EVIL DEAD (2013) - I have to admit that I went into viewing this film with a lot of trepidation (even though both Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell are listed as Producers), but I am glad to say that my worries were for nothing. This is more of a reimagining than a remake, although there are many similarities, but most of them are cosmetic. Four friends go to a cabin in the woods to help friend Mia (Jane Levy) kick her drug habit. Her brother David (Shiloh Fernandez) is part of that group and brother and sister have been having issues since the suicide of their mother a year earlier. Mia complains of a smell in the cabin (which belongs to her and David's family) but, at first, they all just think it is in Mia's mind because she is going through withdrawal. The family dog, named "Grandpa", uncovers the hidden door in the floor that leads to the basement, where David and Eric (Lou Taylor Pucci) discover a bunch of dead cats hanging from the ceiling and the dreaded Book Of The Dead (we witness a horrible thing happen in the basement in the film's prologue). When Eric recites a passage from the book, an evil spirit takes over Mia's body and, from that point on, it's a non-stop ride of death, dismemberment and things that could be considered worse than death. Needless to say, if you were expecting things to go the same way they did in the original EVIL DEAD (1983), you would be wrong. I won't spoil what happens through the rest of the film, except to say that it pushes way past its R-Rating (it's amazing what the MPAA allows now than what it did in 1983, when the original had to be released without a rating, but comparing it to this 2013 remake, it would look like a PG-13 film today). The gore and blood literally flies off the screen and the audio helps tremendously to immerse you in the experience. Director/co-screenwriter Fede Alvarez, in his first full-length feature (he directed a few shorts before this), hits the ball out of the park, making this film a memorable, bloody experience you won't soon forget. The special effects, by Jason Durey and his crew, are top-notch, but not for the faint of heart (especially Mia's possession, which is a sort of tribute to the tree rape in the first film). Make sure you stay through the end credits for a small, welcome tribute to the first film. Expect a sequel to follow, since it made more than triple its 17 million dollar budget in U.S. theaters alone. My highest recommendation!
58) MANIAC (2012) - I'm probably going to get a lot of angry emails about this, but I was never a fan of director William Lustig's unrated 1980 original, except for some bloody gore (the always-memorable "head blown-off with a shotgun blast through a car's windshield") and a sweaty performance by the late Joe Spinell as photographer Frank Zito. When I heard that Elijah Wood would be playing Spinell's part in the remake, all I could do was shake my head and wonder what director Franck Khalfoun (P2 - 2007) was smoking (William Lustig is one of this film's many Producers). You know what? Wood is good as Frank and the film is told almost entirely from his perspective, making it a somewhat original take (screenplay by Alexandre Aja and Grégory Levasseur) on what it is like to be in the head of a psychopathic serial killer. There is plenty of unrated gore and nudity (which got the film banned in some countries, such as New Zealand, because, God forbid that you mix both sex and violence in a horror film today) and the film moves at a much quicker pace than the original. MANIAC is not perfect, but I do like it more than the original. So sue me.
59) THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN (2014) - Besides seeing the Orion Pictures logo on a film for the first time since 1996 (it will be used for limited theatrical and VOD releases), this film is more of a crazy mash-up of the first 1976 film of the same name than an actual remake. It's 63 years after the real-life murders by "The Phantom" have gone unsolved in the town of Texarkana. Every year since 1976, the town has a Halloween drive-in showing of the original film and this year Jami (Addison Timlin) and her boyfriend Corey (Spencer Treat Clark) decide to ditch the showing for a little sexual fun in the woods, but they are attacked by someone dressed as The Phantom and Corey is killed. Jami escapes and, with the help of her grandmother Lillian (Veronica Cartwright), try to decide if history is repeating itself (Lillian lived through the original murder spree) or if something more sinister is going on. I will not spoil it for viewers, except to say that this film is more of a gory slasher film than the original, but there is some great intercutting between the original film and the new film during some of the murders. Director Alfonso Gomez-Rejon (who, at the time of this writing, has directed 12 episodes of TV's AMERICAN HORROR STORY) infuses the film with a sense of fun as well as some intense kills and it may want younger viewers to search out a copy of the original film, directed by the late Charles B. Pierce (who can be seen in footage from the original film here). It shouldn't be too hard to find, since Scream Factory released a nice Blu-Ray of it that also contains a DVD of Pierce's follow-up period film THE EVICTORS (1979). That right there is a good thing, but the new film itself is entertaining in its own right. I would advise viewers that have never seen the original to watch it first before seeing this film to get the full effect. Nice to have a new film this entertaining not pander to the original film. This is also one of the last films of excellent character actor Ed Lauter and also stars Anthony Anderson, Gary Cole, Joshua Leonard, Edward Herrmann and Denis O'Hare as Charles B. Pierce Jr. You can read my full review of the remake/reboot HERE.
60) PATRICK (2013) - While this Australian remake of their own 1978 film (which was edited in order to receive a PG Rating when released to the U.S. theaters in 1979) follows the original's very closely, it has been updated to reflect the new technological age and has upped the gore quotient substantially. The plot is very much the same: a young woman named Kathy (Sharni Vinson; YOU'RE NEXT - 2011) takes a job in a small Australian coastal town as a nurse to the comatose in an ex-convent-turned-hospital, run the the seemingly sinister Dr. Roget (Charles Dance; he played "Tywin Lannister" on HBO's GAME OF THRONES until his memorable death at the end of Season 4 in 2014) and his no-nonsense head nurse daughter, Matron Cassidy (an unrecognizable Rachel Griffiths; HBO's SIX FEET UNDER - 2001-2005). Kathy is shown the ropes by fellow Nurse Williams (Peta Sergeant; TV's short-lived ONCE UPON A TIME IN WONDERLAND - 2013-2014), who introduces her to their comatose patients, including the open-eyed Patrick (Jackson Gallagher), who is kept in his own room and is frequently injected with Dr. Roget's unknown serum (he is basically Dr. Roget's guinea pig). Patrick spits in Kathy's face and is told by Nurse Williams that this is an involuntary reflex, but Kathy seems to think that Patrick is trying to communicate with her (he is). Patrick has the ability to make people do what he wants with his telekinetic powers and he sets his sights on "protecting" Kathy, at first communicating with her by spitting (one spit for yes, two spits for no) and then having control of a computer's keyboard, typing out that he is looking out for Kathy's best interests. Patrick will only show Kathy that he is able to communicate and when she tries to show Dr. Roget that Patrick is not comatose, he does nothing to respond. Things turn deadly when anyone shows an interest in Kathy, including her ex-boyfriend Ed (Damon Gameau), who is forced by Patrick's mind control to put both his hands on a George Foreman grill (!), burning both his hands until the flesh melts off and then killing psychiatrist/new boyfriend Brian (Martin Crewes; RESIDENT EVIL - 2002) by taking over his car and driving him over a cliff (but first he takes control of Brian's body and spits in Karen's face, showing her the powers he has). For patient viewers (this film does move at a leisurely pace), the final 25 minutes will be an edge-of-the-seat thriller, complete with gory deaths (including a graphic electrocution followed by eyeball-popping), as the real reason why Patrick is in a coma is revealed (it's the same reason as the first film, only much more graphic and nudity-filled) and Kathy realizes that Patrick is not so innocent as he makes himself out to be. A running joke about a horribly burned patient named Morris (Rod Mullinar), who is trained by Dr. Roget to turn on the lighthouse at exactly 7:00AM every morning, actually plays an important part in the finale. Documentary filmaker Mark Hartley (NOT QUITE HOLLYWOOD: THE WILD, UNTOLD STORY OF OZPLOITATION! - 2008; MACHETE MAIDENS UNLEASHED! - 2010; both highly recommended) directs his first feature film and sprinkles it with homages to late director Richard Franklin's original (which was written by Australian master screenwriter Everett De Roche; the remake was written by newcomer Justin King), including Charles Dance listening to Brian May's original music from the 1978 film in his headphones (the soundtrack music was replaced by a Goblin score in Europe; Dario Argeno scorer Pino Donnagio does the music in the remake) and having Ed's last name as Penhaligon, a tribute to Susan Penhaligon, who played Kathy in the original film. Antony I. Ginnane produced both the original and the remake. The original did inspire an unrelated 1980 Italian film, PATRICK STILL LIVES ("Patrick Vive Ancora") and this remake does end with the words "Patrick Vive", which means that it is left open for a possible real sequel in the future. Worth a look for those that were fond of Australia's Golden Age Of Horror, which ran from the mid-70's to the mid-80's. This is a really good film that evokes that time period and has a real gothic feel, while not making it seem dated. I enjoyed it and so should you. Also known as PATRICK: EVIL AWAKENS.
61) THE BEGUILED (2017) - I always loved master director Don Siegel's 1971 film starring Clint Eastwood because it dripped in gothic atmosphere and, at the time, it was the most unusual film Eastwood ever starred in (to show you how old I am, I saw it in a theater and people were complaining that this wasn't a normal Eastwood film; some even walked out!), but director Sofia Coppola, who had indeed inherited her father's genes (some may say she surpassed them), has turned out a really excellent reboot of the original with a few twists (Coppola has said this is not a remake of the original film, but a adaptation of the Thomas Cullinan novel). Unlike the original, this take place in Virginia (the first film took place in Mississippi, even though both films were made in Louisiana) and star Colin Farrell (who was born the same year the original film was released) has never been better. Just like the first film, Farrell plays a wounded Union deserter, Corporal John McBurney, who stumbles across a secluded girls school and they keep him as a prisoner. At first, he doesn't know he is a prisoner and the Matriach, Miss Martha (Nicole Kidman, who is excellent as a repressed woman discovering her sexuality), doesn't approve of him being there because she fears that he will undo all the girls' teachings on how to be a proper lady. Farrell plays the role quite differently than Eastwood, which makes this film quite a different watch than the original. He is trickster, master manipulator and seducer, as he makes the girls feel uneasy (portrayed by Elle Fanning, Kirsten Dunst and others; all very good) and they begin to blossom as women. They end up back-stabbing their friends in order to be close to John. Not giving away the ending, it is a wonderful film to watch , as cinematographer Philippe Le Sourdgives this film a sumptuous look. You will feel that you are actually in the time period. Excellently acted by everyone involved, this is one film you should not turn your back on. Coppola inserts crafty feminist touches to the film that you will only realize long after the film is over. Highly recommended, but it bombed at the boxoffice, even though Sofia Coppola won Best Director at the 2017 Cannes Film Festival. Discover it for yourself.
62) ROGER CORMAN'S DEATH RACE 2050 (2016)  - This is Corman's entertaining remake of his 1975 classic, only updated to express what is going on in society today. It has a lot to say about our country, even within it's low-budget sci-fi's trappings. To see my review, click HERE.
63) DEATH WISH (2018) - First let me get this off my chest: For all you Eli Roth haters out there, let me say this to you: FUCK YOU!!! I am sick of hearing you haters say "I heard this sucked" or "It sucks balls", because it only shows how immature you actually are. Hearing it sucks just shows you didn't even bother to watch it and have no desire to. Saying that it sucks balls only proves to me that you are nothing by a childish dweeb who refuses to actually say what you really think. I doubt you know how. With that off my chest, let's get down to the film. I don't think Bruce Willis was the best choice to play Paul Kersey (Liam Neeson would have been better), but I have to say it looks like Willis is having a good time here, something we haven't seen from him in a long, long time and it's refreshing. In this film Paul Kersey is a trauma surgeon in an emergency room hospital and while he is working, his wife Lucy (Elisabeth Shue) and daughter Jordan (Camila Morrone) are attacked in their home by three scumbags in search of money. Lucy is shot and killed and Jordan is put in a coma (it's never made clear what caused her to slip into one, although rape is implied). Paul, who is a pascifist, relies on the police to find the culprits until he visits Detective Kevin Raines' (Dean Norris) office and takes a look at his bulletin board of unsolved cases (look at photo HERE) and realizes that if the scumbags are to be caught, he will have to do it on his own. He steals a gun from one of the gangbangers he is operating on and with evidence he obtains from his own operating room, goes after the trio of thieving rapists and anyone else who gets in his way. Punishment is quick and extremely bloody (Especially what happens to the mechanic in the garage, a ballet of home surgery and brain matter), as Paul becomes an internet vigilante hero, dubbed "The Grim Reaper", a champion for all the innocent folk who are abused by the guilty. While Willis is no Charles Bronson (Who is?), he is more than a servicable action hero and Eli Roth supplies enough violence to make us wonder how this got by with an R Rating. This is a pretty good reboot of the 1974 original that overlooks all the Cannon sequels, updating the film with modern-day technology, as Willis get all his instructions on how to be a vigilante from internet videos (!) and other on-line instructional manuals. This film is not without a sense of humor and Vincent D'Onofrio registers here as Paul's brother Frank, an ex-con who becomes Paul's moral compass (it's obvious that they love each other very much). Even though this was considered a box office bomb, barely making back it $30,000,000 price tag in the U.S., that by no means makes it a bad film. It's just that the timing of its release was poor. People didn't want to see a vigilante movie when trust in the police was at an all-time low. My advice? Forget all the naysayers and rent or buy this film today. You should have a good time with it.
64) HALLOWEEN (2018) - While this is more of a sequel than a remake of the 1978 classic, ignoring all the sequels that followed it, you can read my thoughts on the film HERE. Yes, I liked it!
65) SUSPIRIA (2018) - This may be the most divisive film of 2018. It's either a film you will love or hate with no middle ground. While not exactly a remake of Dario Argento's 1977 original, it is a visually stunning reimagining of the classic. I'm on the side of liking it and if you want to know why, click HERE.

WORST REMAKES OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM

And now, here is my list for the worst remakes of the new Millennium. The anti-remake brigade can be rightfully pissed about these films getting redone for a new generation. Here they are in no particular order, because bad is just bad (I'm not counting lousy live-action remakes of animated TV shows or feature films like INSPECTOR GADGET [1999], DUNGEONS & DRAGONS [2000], SCOOBY-DOO [2002], THUNDERBIRDS [2004], AEON FLUX [2005], UNDERDOG [2007], TRANSFORMERS [2007], SPEED RACER [2008], G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA [2009], GULLIVER'S TRAVELS [2010], THE LAST AIRBENDER [2010], ALICE IN WONDERLAND [2010; What was Tim Burton thinking?], THE SMURFS [2011] and JACK THE GIANT SLAYER [2013; a revisionist history of Jack And The Beanstalk), feature film remakes of TV shows such as THE SAINT (1997) THE AVENGERS [1998], LOST IN SPACE [1998], MY FAVORITE MARTIAN [1999], WILD WILD WEST [1999], THE MOD SQUAD [1999], I SPY [2002], Director Ang Lee's embarassing remake of THE HULK [2003; the big green guy bounced back in 2008's excellent THE INCREDIBLE HULK and was great as part of an ensemble super hero cast in 2012's THE AVENGERS], S.W.A.T. [2003], I, ROBOT [2004; which originally was a superior episode of TV's original THE OUTER LIMITS - 1963-1965, which was then remade as a pretty good first season episode of THE OUTER LIMITS remake series with Leonard Nimoy reprising his role from the original, which ran from 1995 to 2002], CATWOMAN [2004; she was always implied to be Batman's secret love in the old BATMAN TV Series - 1966-1968], BEWITCHED [2005], THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY [2005], MIAMI VICE [2006],  TMNT [2007], GET SMART [2008], LAND OF THE LOST [2009], THE GREEN HORNET [2011], DARK SHADOWS [2012; What was Tim Burton thinking?], the big-budget bomb THE LONE RANGER [2013], TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES [2014], the miscast THE EQUALIZER [2014], the horrendous CHiPS [2017], or video games turned into feature films (WING COMMANDER [1999], FINAL FANTASY: THE SPIRITS WITHIN [2001], BALLISTIC: ECKS VS. SEVER [2002], HOUSE OF THE DEAD [2003], VAN HELSING [2004], ALONE IN THE DARK [2005], BLOODRAYNE [2005], DOA: DEAD OR ALIVE [2006], HITMAN [2007], POSTAL [2007], MAX PAYNE [2008], STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI [2009], BATTLESHIP [2012], NEED FOR SPEED [2014] and WARCRAFT [2016]). Ugh, does anyone have a Zantac?

1) PROM NIGHT (2008) - The 1980 original was no great shakes (unless you like disco and dancing around a severed head), but this version made it look like Orson Welles directed the original. PG-13 crap that got an Unrated DVD, but even when you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Even The Asylum wouldn't touch this with one of their "mockumentaries". Doesn't that tell you something?
2) WHEN A STRANGER CALLS (2006) - Can anyone tell me why this PG-13 turkey was made? Sure, it now has cell phone technology to replace land lines, but the line, "The calls are coming from inside the house!" just doesn't have the same ring to it like the 1979 original does. Even The Asylum's WHEN A KILLER CALLS (2006) is better than this. Doesn't that tell you something?
3) FRIDAY THE 13TH (2009) - So let me get this straight: In the remake Jason Voorhees is a pot farmer? Jesus Christ, that is just ridiculous. I always thought the 1980 original was a little overblown, but it did get the slasher/gore craze to survive throughout the 1980's with it's many sequels and imitators. This new version couldn't jump-start a lawn mower.
4) A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (2010) - Besides the expert casting of Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy Krueger, this remake has very little to offer what the 1984 original already had. Believe me, there will be no sequels to this film. It's not badly made, it's just that we've all seen it before done much better.
5) WILLARD (2003) - Casting quirky Crispin Glover as the rat lover and R. Lee Ermey as his dastardly boss may have been good choices, but it still doesn't make up for the fact that the 1971 original was done without any CGI and Ernest Borgnine was much meaner than R. Lee Ermey (if you can believe that). There's no substituting real rats for some CGI ones. And hearing Crispin Glover singing the Michael Jackson song "Ben" made my ears explode!
6) THE EYE (2008) - Did anyone actually go to the theater to see this remake of the 2002 Hong Kong horror flick directed by the Pang Brothers other than to hope to see Jessica Alba naked? Boy, I bet you were disappointed. Didn't the PG-13 Rating tip you off?
7) THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (2008) - I consider this one of the worst remakes ever made and a major kick in the face to the 1951 original. Whomever thought that Keanu Reeves could replace Michael Rennie should go see a shrink ASAP! Why would anyone even consider making a remake of a film that's considered a 50's sci-fi classic? Retards, that's who. Read my review of The Asylum's remake of the remake, THE DAY THE EARTH STOPPED, HERE.
8) THE FOG (2005) - Another classless PG-13 remake of a pretty good John Carpenter film from 1979 (that was Rated R). The DVD restores some gore, but the film is basically a bore with way too much CGI (especially the fog itself). For my review of the film, click HERE.
9) HOUSE OF WAX (2005) - A remake in-name only. Where the 1953 original was a fun 3-D horror flick starring Vincent Price, this remake (made before the 3-D craze was popular again) has nothing to offer except the gory death of Paris Hilton (who's as stiff as one of her father's hotels) and an actual house made of wax. Other than that, it's a typical new Millennium slasher flick with a bunch of twenty-somethings doing the stupidest things at the most inopportune times. In other words, a DTV flick that actually got a theatrical release.
10) THE TIME MACHINE (2002) - Another useless remake that offers nothing better than what director George Pal's 1960 original had to offer, only this time it's full of crappy CGI, useless sub-plots and a hugely-bloated budget.
11) KING KONG (2005) - Peter Jackson seems to have forgotten his roots and began making hugely-expensive films for no other reason than people offer him tons of money to do so. This is one example of his excess. The 1933 original was really an eye-opener for audiences at the time. The remake was nothing but a CGI-lovefest to the original. If he really wanted to please me, Jackson should have used less CGI and more practical effects. Even audiences were turned-off by the bloated running time (201 minutes for the remake vs. 104 minutes for the original) and crappy computer-generated effects. I had more fun with the 1977 remake.
12) ROLLERBALL (2002) - Did anyone even realize that there was a remake of the 1975 original? It bombed at the box office and I don't know one single person who likes it at all (except for Michael Prymula). I wouldn't take a DVD of this film if they payed me.
13) NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (2009) - The 1988 original was a fun little horror flick that didn't demand too much from the audience and did offer a few surprises (lipstick in the tit anyone?), but I want to know who asked for it to be remade. It's a sub-par DTV flick where a chain-smoking Edward Furlong (who plays a drug dealer, which is quite a stretch) and his semi-adult pals and enemies roam around a deserted house being used for a Halloween party and become possessed by demons. Yes, the lipstick gag is here (Or as one shocked partygoer explains: "She stuck it into her boob and it fell out her pussy!"), as is a cameo by Linnea Quigley dressed as a ballerina showing her crotch to a couple of amused female kids while handing out candy. Wouldn't it have been better if the kids were boys? I guess in today's politically correct climate, we don't want boys to get horny when they are too young. Give me a fucking break!
14) ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 (2005) - Talk  about bastardizing a low-budget classic! Hollywood suits thought it would be a good idea to hire a well-known cast of big stars, throw a bunch of money into the project and ignore the plot of director John Carpenter's 1976 original. All the remake is is a typical new Millennium action flick about police corruption (crooked cops replace the silent gang members from the original film) that could have been called anything other than what it was. Who knows, maybe the remake put a few bucks into Carpenter's banking account (he is given on-screen credit for writing the original's screenplay). For my review of the original film, click HERE.
15) MIRRORS (2008) - Director Alexandre Aja (of the PIRANHA [2010] remake fame) took an obscure 2003 Korean film called INTO THE MIRROR and remade it into a boring mess. Sure, there are some neat tricks involving mirrors and reflections (especially the somewhat inventive finale), but the movie is so boring and overlong, you'll lose interest long before the film ends. Besides, most of those mirror tricks were done in the awful POLTERGEIST III (1988) twenty years earlier. Still, it was popular enough (probably due to it starring Kiefer Sutherland during his popular 24 [2001 - 2010] days) to have a DTV sequel made, MIRRORS 2 (2010), not starring Sutherland.
16) THE OMEN (2006) - Remaking the 1976 original is like rewriting the Bible. What purpose does it serve? Julia Stiles is no Lee Remick and Liev Schreiber is no Gregory Peck. Sometimes I think this remake was made only because it could be released on June 6, 2006 (666. Get it?). This film sticks close to the original, except the creepy choral music score is missing (which, in my opinion, was integral to the whole film) and the gory deaths depend too much on CGI. Why bother?
17) THE WICKER MAN (2006) - I don't know whether to love or hate this film, but there is no denying its badness when compared to the 1973 original. Nicolas Cage overacts to the point where his performance becomes a parody. I sometimes think this was done on purpose because Cage knew what a stinker of a film he was starring in (for proof, watch the "Step away from the bike!" sequence or the hilarious Cage performance in the finale as he is burning alive). One of my favorite badfilms of all time.
18) THE HITCHER (2007) - The 1986 original was a tense little thriller with a knockout performance by Rutger Hauer as the hitch-hiker from hell. The remake follows the original closely, except instead of the hitcher trying to pin the crimes on C. Thomas Howell (in the original), this time hitcher John Ryder (Sean Bean, who I like as an actor, but he does nothing for me here) tries to pin the crimes on a female (played by Sophia Bush). The whole remake seems like leftovers (mainly because the screenplay was co-written by Eric Red, who wrote the screenplay to the original) and we get to actually see Sophia Bush's boyfriend get torn in half after being tied to an 18-wheeler (it was only implied in the original), but this is just another one of producer Michael Bay's unsuccessful spins on an original (which also includes THE AMITYVILLE HORROR [2005, and probably Bay's best], THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING [2006], FRIDAY THE 13TH [2009], and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET [2010] remakes). The Asylum chimed-in with their own remake called THE HITCHHIKER (2007). You can read my review of that film HERE.
19) HALLOWEEN (2007) - Hey, I'm a big fan of Rob Zombie (both his music and movies, especially HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES [2002] and THE DEVIL'S REJECTS [2005]), but whomever greenlit this remake of John Carpenter's 1978 classic should be chopped into little pieces. Rob Zombie is great at displaying the white trash lifestyle with great relish in his screenwriting, but that is not what this film needed. As a matter of fact, it didn't need to be remade at all. You don't mess with perfection. But, this remake was popular enough to merit a sequel, HALLOWEEN II (2009), also directed by Zombie (who has publicly said that he wished he wasn't talked into doing it, but it gave him opportunities to make other films).
20) I AM LEGEND (2007) - Will Smith may be considered a superstar (who pimps-out his kids on-screen), but he's no Charlton Heston, who played the same role in 1971's THE OMEGA MAN. The remake makes all the mutants CGI creations and they are badly rendered and unbelievable. I never thought Will Smith could act. He's either playing himself or shouting out his lines (Watch any one of his movies and you'll agree with me.). His popularity still eludes me. There's some nice scenes of a deserted New York City, but that's about it. Watch the Heston version or THE LAST MAN ON EARTH (1964), a fairly faithful version of Richard Matheson's novel (since he is co-writer of the screenplay using the pseudonym "Logan Swanson") starring Vincent Price.
21) ONE MISSED CALL (2008) - It would be better called "One Missed Opportunity". Another lousy Americanized remake of a Japanese horror flick, the original from 2003 (by reknown director Takashi Miike). Why Ed Burns would be involved in crap like this still eludes me. People recieve cell phone calls from themselves in the future telling them when they are going to die. Couldn't the filmmakers of the remake tell that this film was going to die at the boxoffice? Or did they miss the call?
22) SISTERS (2006) - This remake of Brian De Palma's 1973 classic had a very troubled production history and it shows on-screen. Scenes lead nowhere (the first 30 minutes follow the original film closely, but then it veers off into The Twilight Zone) and it has one of the most "What The Fuck?!?" endings in recent memory. The film has some great actors (Chloe Sevigny and Stephen Rea), but even they cannot save this jumbled mess of a movie. Maybe that is why the film skipped a theatrical release and went directly to home video. Even then very few people saw the film. I consider them lucky.
23) FUNNY GAMES (2007) - Director/writer Michael Haneke directs an Americanized remake of his 1997 Austrian original (which I have never seen, so I cannot comment on how closely the remake follows the original) and as I was watching it, it was going along rather smoothly for a home invasion thriller (even if most Americans don't talk that way), but when actor Michael Pitt (who was shot in the head at the end of Season 2 of BOARDWALK EMPIRE - 2010-2011) picked up the VCR remote and rewound the film to suit his needs, I threw my hands up it the air and couldn't believe what I was watching. And not in a good way. I always found Haneke's films overblown anyway (although he has plenty of fans), but he lost me in the last thirty minutes of this remake. I know what his intentions were, but using a VCR remote as a way of doing it was idiotic.
24) SHUTTER (2008) - Hollywood hired a Japanese director (Masayuki Ochiai; INFECTION - 2004) to remake a 2004 original that was made in Thailand. Joshua Jackson (FRINGE - 2008-2013) stars as a husband who takes pictures with a camera and something ghostly appears when the pictures are viewed and deadly "accidents" happen to everyone in the photos. Where the 2004 original was inventive and suspenseful, the remake is a under-developed faint PG-13 Polaroid of the original (There was an Unrated DVD version of the remake released on DVD, but it did little to change my mind.).
25) DAY OF THE DEAD (2007) - Insipid reimagining of director George A. Romero's 1985 original. To see how bad the remake actually is, read my review of it HERE. That odor you are smelling is not a fart. It's this film.
26) QUARANTINE (2008) - If it's one thing I hate more than "found footage" handheld digital video films (ala THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT - 1999), it's a remake of a "found footage" film. This one is a remake of the Spanish film [REC] (2007) and it's filled with enough "shakey-cam" and "night-vision" (where everything is that sickly green color) scenes to make you nauseous. Even the story is old hat. People are trapped in an apartment building by the government because there's a rabies-like infection inside. The film would have been much better if someone put the cameras on tripods and let the story tell itself. Besides, I never understood how people holding camcorders keep on filming the action when they are being attacked. Most people would just drop the camera and run for their lives.
27) THE UNINVITED (2009) - Uninspired and boring remake of the vastly superior South Korean film A TALE OF TWO SISTERS (2003). While the original was surprising (especially the finale), the Americanized remake telegraphs the ending almost from the start of the film. Why does Hollywood keep on making remakes of Asian films when only one or two (at the most) have been successful at the boxoffice? Pure greed, in my opinion. They are always hoping that lightning will strike three times and give them another THE RING or THE GRUDGE to crow about. So far, all they have come up with is snake-eyes on the vast majority of these Asian remakes.
28) THE WIZARD OF GORE (2007) - I know that a lot of people hold Hershell Gordon Lewis in high regard, calling him the "Godfather Of Gore" and other euphemisms, escecially since he is credited with directing the first gore film, BLOOD FEAST (1963), which just isn't true (it just had a great ad campaign), but why in the world would anyone want to remake (or reimagine in this case) Lewis' crappy 1970 original of the same name? Crispin Glover (there's that name again) portrays Montag The Magnificent (played by Ray Sager in the original film), a theatrical magician who pulls someone out of the audience (Usually a SuicideGirl, the film's only saving grace because, really, only a dead tattooed and body pierced skank is a good tattooed and body pierced skank) and performs some bloody magic trick on them and then hours later they die by the same means. A reporter looks into the murders and doesn't like what he finds. This remake looks like it was filmed in an alternate universe, so maybe it was for that audience. All it is is gore and scenes that lead nowhere. For my review of the remake, click HERE. There is also a remake of Lewis' TWO THOUSAND MANIACS (1964) called 2001 MANIACS (2005) and you can read my review of it HERE. Consider this a twofer of bad Lewis remakes, not that Lewis was a good director. He wasn't, but he knew how to entertain an audience.
29) ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES (2008) - Bad, bad, bad, remake of the 1959 original that starred the tragic Yvette Vickers. They don't come much worse than this filmed-in-Canada cheesefest, even if the original was no great piece of filmmaking either. To read my review of the remake, click HERE.
30) THE KARATE KID (2010) - Useless, bloated remake of the 1984 original saved somewhat by a subdued Jackie Chan (his drunken destruction of the car scene in his home is the film's best sequence) in a role similar to Pat Morita's in the original. Will Smith pimps out his son Jaden Smith in the role originally created by Ralph Macchio and he is terrible (and that is being kind). There is very little karate in this remake and more kung fu, making the title of this film somewhat a misnomer. The 140 minute running time will have you sound asleep long before the climatic battle begins. Don't count on any sequels any time soon. UPDATE: According to Jackie Chan, there may be a Part 2 filmed in 2014, depending on the story and the script. After the dismal boxoffice performance of director M. Night Shyamalan's AFTER EARTH (2013), starring Jaden Smith and his father, Jaden (who grew about 8 inches since the original remake) may need to make this film or lose his career as an actor. Let's just say the critics aren't so kind about his acting abilities (and he is uncertain about his sexuality, wearing both male and female clothing!) and leave it at that.
31) THE STEPFATHER (2009) - Dylan Walsh steps into Terry O'Quinn's shoes from the 1987 original and proves to us just how powerful O'Quinn was in the original. The remake was rated PG-13 when released theatrically and an Unrated version was released on DVD, but that still doesn't excuse what a weak remake this film really is. Nobody can replace Terry O'Quinn (LOST - 2004-2010) in this role and I thought that STEPFATHER 3 (1992) proved that. I guess Hollywood can't take the hint.
32) BLACK DEVIL DOLL (2007) - This remake/reimagining of director Chester Turner's SOV BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL (1984) has nothing going for it except a wise-ass black dummy who kills white women and the men who love them. The acting is bad (except from the dummy, who is sometimes hilarious), as we're supposed to believe that girls at least ten years too old and full of silicone in their breasts are high school students. There is some fun to be found here, but if you are easily offended (even the opening animated credits take raunch to a whole new level), just stay away. The music is cool, though. Sure, it's better than Chester Turner's film, but a kitten fart is, too. To read my review of the remake, click HERE.
33) CONAN THE BARBARIAN (2011) - Sometimes trying to remake a film to make audiences forget the original (in this case the 1982 film starring Arnold Schwarzenegger) backfires so badly, that hardly anyone goes to the theater to watch the film. This is one of those cases. Jason Mamoa (HBO's GAME OF THRONES - 2011-Present) has the muscles, but he's no Arnold. But then again, who is?
34) THE ROOMMATE (2011) - Another watered-down remake of a superior film, this time 1992's R-Rated SINGLE WHITE FEMALE. This is nearly a scene-for-scene steal of the original, but since it was Rated PG-13, the high-heel shoe to the eye bit was toned down considerably. I can never understand why Hollywood keeps on making these films for a teenage audience. Maybe it was because co-star Minka Kelly was the girlfriend of New York Yankees star Derek Jeter (they are no longer together)? R-Rated films are making a comeback at theaters and Hollywood better catch on before it is too late. Besides, most of them make films that are Rated PG-13 in theaters and then release an Unrated Director's cut on DVD. Strangely, that is not the case with this film.
35) SILENT HOUSE (2011) - Hollywood couldn't even wait more than a year to remake this "one continuous take" (supposedly shot over four days) SOV 2010 original titled THE SILENT HOUSE from Uruguay (I guess the filmmakers of the remake decided to drop the "The" from the original film title in hopes of making the film sound scarier. They failed.). Maybe that's because it's one of those "found footage" films that takes very little money to shoot. Even new "It" star Elizabeth Olsen (the sister of the notorious Olsen sisters; filmed before she became "famous" in films like the highly disturbing MARTHA MARCY MAY MARLENE [2011]) can't save a film this cheap. I'm not a fan of the original, either, or 99% of the films that use this technique. To me, "movies" filmed this way hope to recoup their meager budget back in the first week and then let the film drift off into obscurity on DVD. This remake is one of those films. Some of these films get lucky and make a lot of money, which is why Hollywood keeps churning them out.
36) TOTAL RECALL (2012) - Another try at remaking an Arnold Schwarzenegger film (this time his 1990 original of the same name, probably his best film next to THE TERMINATOR franchise) and another massive failure. Colin Farrell (who was so good in FRIGHT NIGHT - 2011) is badly miscast in this PG-13 remake of an R-Rated original. For Christ's sake, even the three-breasted woman keeps her tits covered-up most of the time and this remake totally forgets about Mars! Stick to the original. It's a genuine classic when compared to this remake.
37) BANGKOK DANGEROUS (2008) - Hollywood hired Oxide & Danny Pang (a.k.a. "The Pang Brothers"), who wrote and directed the 1999 Thailand original to direct this remake, only they didn't write the screenplay to the new film (Jason Richmond did, based on the Pang's original screenplay, to "Americanize" the film) that starred Nicolas Cage (there's that name again). It's a faint mirror imitation to the original action film, but at least lazy people don't have to read subtitles. One positive point: The remake was filmed in Thailand and not some Hollywood backlot that is a substitute for Bangkok. Hollywood just doesn't understand the Asian aesthetic and they just don't care. They won't be satisfied until they destroy the careers of every Asian filmmaker who has had a hit overseas. Look what they did to John Woo. His Hollywood work was full of compromises. Don't get me wrong, Woo's Hollywood action films were better than 99% of the crap coming out of Hollywood, but try getting your hands on the director's cut of HARD TARGET (1993) and tell me that major compromises weren't made by Woo to please the suits in Hollywood.
38) ACID FACTORY (2009) - Turn about fair play. This made-in-India thriller is a scene-for-scene steal of a much superior 2006 American film called UNKNOWN. There are plenty of foreign films that imitate popular American films, but this one is such an inferior steal of a little-known film, the Indian filmmakers probably thought they could get away with it being an original film. Sorry, but you've been caught!
39) POSEIDON (2006) - This one truly has me stymied. Why in the world would anyone want to remake 1972's THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, when there are so many things they cannot replicate from the original (at least without using CGI)? The biggest one being the sight of the late Shelley Winters (who was once a swimming champ in the past, at least in the film) swimming under the water with a rope in her hand to allow the survivors to follow the rope to safety. And then she dies of a heart attack! I mean. c'mon now, who would even want to top that (especially when there was a 2005 TV Movie made a year before)? Apparently director Wolfgang Peterson did and it was one of his worst-received films, tanking at the box office. Also, the original has a roster of stars who are now dead or retired and the nostalgia factor alone makes it the one to see. I have nothing against Kurt Russell (who stars in the remake), but he just doesn't have the star power (besides Richard Dreyfuss) to back him up. It's a no-brainer which film you should choose. The original was a disaster film that only producer Irwin Allen could make them. What's next, a remake of THE TOWERING INFERNO (1974)? Can you imagine all the CGI fire? And wouldn't it be proper to wait for O.J. Simpson to get out of jail so he can reprise his role of "Jernigan", one of the building's security officers, in the new film?
40) 16 BLOCKS (2006) - Anyone who would argue with me that this film isn't a remake of 1977's THE GAUNTLET is a fool. Both deal with an alchoholic corrupt policeman wanting to do the right thing for the first time in their life (Clint Eastwood in the original; Bruce Willis in the remake) trying to get a not-so-innocent witness (Eastwood's then-girlfriend Sandra Locke in the original; Mos Def in the remake) to court to testify in an important case before time runs out (In both films, the cop/witness relationship starts out thorny, but they end up being lovers, or in the Willis/Def relationship, friends), but corrupt police officials make it difficult for them to do so. For crying out loud, the remake has the original's iconic assault on a bus that ends up riddled with bullets. Why don't I like the remake? Very simple. Mos Def (who I usually like as an actor and a musician) adopts an aggravating accent that just grates on my nerves everytime he speaks, I actually wanted the corrupt cops to kill him so I wouldn't have to listen to him anymore. I usually like Richard Donner (who directed this remake), but this watered-down PG-13 crap of a film is a low for him. Stick to the original. You can't go wrong with Eastwood (who also directed the original).
41) THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (2004) - Hey, I'm a big fan of Denzel Washington just like most people, but he made a major blunder by deciding to star in the remake of the near-perfect 1962 original (Which star Frank Sinatra pulled from circulation for nearly twenty years because of the assassination of President Kennedy.). Nobody, and I mean NOBODY can take the place of Angela Lansbury as the mother from hell in the original and to have Meryl Streep try to top that performance in the remake shows that Streep doesn't pull-off everything with excellence (She's good; just not Angela Lansbury good). That's not to say the remake is a bad film at all; it's just an unnecessary one. Watch the original and be amazed. The original is as pertinent today as the day it was made and proves that a good political thriller is timeless. Why ruin its reputation with a useless remake?
42) THE STEPFORD WIVES (2004) - Whereas the 1975 original was a male fantasy dream come true against the National Organization Of Women (NOW), this new version serves no purposes since most married women today have to also work daily jobs to make ends meet at home. What male in their right mind in today's society, besides perverts and misogynists, would want a robot woman to do everything that their heart desires? Maybe that is why the remake was such a huge flop at the boxoffice. The original film spawned three TV sequels, REVENGE OF THE STEPFORD WIVES (1980), THE STEPFORD CHILDREN (1987) and THE STEPFORD HUSBANDS (1996), but don't look for this newest version to spawn anything but contempt from women.
43) THE PUNISHER (2004) - They don't come much weaker than this, especially when compared to the 1989 original starring Dolph Lundgren. Now, I know the Lundgren version isn't perfect (trying to make Australia look like the United States is its biggest mistake) and was cut by 16 seconds to receive an R-Rating (some foreign DVDs offer the Unrated version, as well as the Workprint), but who in the world could ever think that Thomas Jane would be a believable Punisher? His family dies thanks to bad guy John Travolta and he then simply slips on a black tee shirt with a Skull on the front and he is now the "Punisher". Huh? Besides being way too long (especially the 140 minute "extended cut"), the film is about as boring as a bunch of rocks in a wicker basket. Someone certainly learned a lesson from this travesty because the ultra-violent PUNISHER: WAR ZONE (2008) was made (with Ray Stevenson as the Punisher) and it should be on every action junkie's must-see list. Sometimes lessons can be learned, even in Hollywood (even though the film tanked at the box office).
44) SOLARIS (2002) - One of the biggest flops in George Clooney's career and a black mark on the career of director Stephen Soderbergh (who both made the successful [and longer] OCEAN'S ELEVEN [2001] remake and its two sequels together). Why would Soderbergh take on director Andrei Tarkovsky's 169 minute 1972 epic (there is also a 190 minute version floating around) and condense it into a 99 minute boring mess? Your guess is as good as mine, but I have seen the 1972 versions about four times and I haven't been able to make it through the remake more than once. Sure, the 1972 version has its slow spots, but it makes a helluva lot more sense than Soderbergh's version. Do yourself a favor and stay away from it.
45) CARRIE (2002) - "Sin never dies." NBC TV tried a three-hour TV movie remake of director Brian De Palma's 1976 classic, but you know TV: If it has anything to do with author Stephen King, it's ripe for the small screen, even if it has already been made theatrically (Dont get me started on the TV mini-series remakes of THE SHINING - 1997 ["All work an no play make Jack watch reruns of WINGS."] or SALEM'S LOT - 2004). Angela Bettis (MAY - 2002) is good as troubled telekenetic teen Carrie, but the fact is that we saw the same exact thing 26 years earlier and done by a master of suspense. Why mess with it? Well folks, Hollywood isn't done with Carrie just yet. CARRIE (2013) with Chloë Grace Moretz (LET ME IN - 2010) as the troubled telekenetic teen with uber-religious mother Julianne Moore was released in October 2013 and got fair-to-middling reviews and was basically nothing but a word-for-word, scene-for-scene remake of the first film. Why? Why? Why? The original is available on DVD and Blu-Ray. Watch that instead.
46) RED DRAGON (2002) - This reimagining of director Michael Mann's masterful 1986 film MANHUNTER is a complete waste of your time and energy because it was made to ride the coattails of HANNIBAL (2001) and to take advantage of Anthony Hopkin's performance of Hannibal "The Cannibal" Lecter, which was a sequel to the Academy Award-winning SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991). If you have seen Mann's original film, there is no reason to watch Edward Norton reprise William Petersen's role in the original. Hopkin's role is much bigger in the reimagining, but that is still no reason to see the film. It's a publicity stunt. He's even digitally altered to look younger!
47) VANILLA SKY (2001) - What in the world were star Tom Cruise and director/writer Cameron Crowe thinking when the were remaking the 1997 Spanish original OPEN YOUR EYES? Sure, they hired Penelope Cruz to reprise the same role in the original film, but the remake as a whole will have you scratching your head so hard, you'll end up with a bleeding scalp. I did not have that problem with the original (maybe the English subtitles helped me more), but a lot of people other than myself think that this is a self-indulgent piece of celluloid confusion. People who love dream interpretation, coded messages or one-frame subliminal images seem to love this film, but let me ask all of them this: What good is all that stuff when even director Crowe can't explain the ending? Look for director Steven Spielberg in a cameo in a party scene wearing a "Pre-Crime" cap (He and Cruise were prepping MINORITY REPORT [2002] while this film was being shot. As a favor, Crowe appears in a party scene in that film.).
48) PLANET OF THE APES (2001) - Wow, what a pice of shit. This just proves that not everything director Tim Burton does is a winner (DARK SHADOWS - 2012, anyone?). Trying to film a remake of the 1968 classic starring Charlton Heston (who has an uncredited appearance here as Zaius) is like trying to tell people the "New Coke" tastes the same as the old Coke. People aren't as stupid as Hollywood thinks. And what about that new ending? Oh boy, I'm sure Abe Lincoln enthusiasts were up in arms (Instead of the flop ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER [2012; which, strangely enough, Tim Burton produced], they should have made ABE LINCOLN: APE KILLER. I bet it would have made tons more money.). But here is another example where Hollywood learned its lesson. They made the much-superior RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2011). They could have a whole new franchise on their hands as long as they make sure the screenplays are superior and don't fall-back on the remake curse.
49) JUST VISITING (2001) - Director Jean-Marie Poiré took his 1993 French time-travel comedy LES VISITEURS (THE VISITORS), along with original stars Jean Reno and Christian Clavier and Americanized it for U.S. consumption. Americans took to it like Indians to beef. Even the co-starring power of Christina Applegate and Tara Reid (Tara Reid?) couldn't save this supposed comedy from the trash heap. Where the French original spawned a sequel, don't hold your breath waiting for an American one. The French. They are a funny race.
50) GET CARTER (2000) - For those of you who think that this remake is a pretty good action thriller, you would be right except for one fact: When compared to the 1971 original starring Michael Caine (who also appears in the remake in what amounts to an extended cameo and in a totally different role), this remake is small potatoes. Sure, both films deal with brothers returning to their hometown after extended periods away to investigate the death of their brothers, but that is where the similarities end (especially the finale). Hey, I like Sylvester Stallone as well as the next guy (see my review of RAMBO - 2008), but he can't replace Michael Caine in his prime (mid-1960's to the late-70's) before he would take a part in any film (I'm thinking about movies like JAWS: THE REVENGE - 1987). My recommendation? Watch the 1971 original. There's no need to watch the remake. NOTE: The car chase sequence in the remake was "borrowed" for a couple of early-2000 Fred Olen Ray films, including FINAL EXAMINATION (2002).
51) GONE IN 60 SECONDS (2000) - Another case of apples and oranges. In the 1974 original, late director H.B. Halicki stars as an insurance investigator who steals cars as a side business. The purpose of this film was to show us how many vehicles Halicki (who was seriously hurt during one driving stunt and filming has to stop for a few weeks) could destroy in 105 minutes (Total: 93 cars). In the remake, retired car thief Nicolas Cage (there's that name again!) and his crew (including a pre-fame Angelina Jolie) must steal 50 cars in one night to save his worthless brother's (Giovanni Ribisi) life from an even more worthless Russian crime lord who plans on shipping the pricey cars overseas (The remake pays tribute to the original by naming the last car to be stolen "Eleanor". In the remake, it's a 1967 Mustang Fastback. In the original, it's a 1973 Mustang.). They must do this while being watched by a detective (Delroy Lindo) with a hard-on for Cage. Sure, there are plentiful cars chases and one good scene of a police car getting hit by a wrecking ball, but if you want a true high amount of car crashes, then Halicki's film is the only way to go.
52) SUPERMAN RETURNS (2006) - After the 1978 original and three sequels in the 80's, Superman returns with a new face (Brandon Routh; who now plays some gay guy on a network sitcom which probably won't last more than a season) a new Lex Luthor (a bald Kevin Spacey) and a new Lois Lane (Kate Bosworth). As a matter of fact, everyone is new in director Bryan Singer's reimagining of the series (except for a brief shot of Marlon Brando in the original), including a bloated 154-minute running time. It seems Superman left Earth for five years to "find himself" and came to the conclusion that he wanted Lois Lane in his life (seems she's now engaged to a relative of newspaper boss Perry White [Frank Langella]), so he returns to Earth to go on with his super-power life-saving ways. Awwww. isn't that cute? The effects may be grander and the acting may be above-reproach, but good god, 154 minutes to tell this story? Give me the original any day. Hollywood is never one to remember its stinkers (this one barely made back its 209 million dollar budget worldwide), so they will be releasing MAN OF STEEL on June 14, 2013. This one will be a total reboot with Henry Cavill (BLOOD CREEK - 2008) playing Superman as an adult and Michael Shannon (who is usually good in everything he does, as his role in TAKE SHELTER - 2011 will attest) as General Zod. Zack Snyder (DAWN OF THE DEAD - 2004; WATCHMEN -2009) is directing, so there is hope that it will be done right this time.
53) PULSE (2006) - Here's another example of trying to Americanize a Japanese horror film, in this case a 2001 film named KAIRO (PULSE) and failing miserably. It is also another example of a film being rated PG-13 for it's theatrical release and then released Unrated on DVD (it only amounts to about 15 seconds of footage). I think the only reason this got made is because Wes Craven co-wrote the American screenplay. Mirimax head Bob Weinstein didn't want to make the film because it reminded him too much of THE RING (2002), but it got made anyway. Instead of a cursed VHS tape, this time it's a unknown frequency on the Internet that forces people to commit suicide and with each suicide the signal gets stronger, leading to the downbeat finale. I hate downbeat finales; not in all films, but in these unnecessary remakes. The original Japanese film spawned two sequels, which gave the Weinstein Brothers an excuse to film their own two sequels, both directed by DTV sequel expert Joel Soisson (THE PROPHECY: UPRISING - 2003; THE PROPHECY: FORSAKEN - 2003; CHILDREN OF THE CORN: GENESIS - 2010) in 2008 and both just as poor as the first film.
54) THE INVISIBLE (2007) - Perfectly dreadful remake of the excellent 2002 Swedish film of the same name. The plot concerns a guy being beaten to death by an unseen attacker, yet he is not quite dead and he roams around the city unseen except for one girl and they try to figure out why he was attacked and try to get someone to locate his not-so-dead body. The only person who would be capable of doing that would be his attacker. The remake drops a crucial subplot about drug smugglers that is in the original film so they could retain a PG-13 Rating (Even the DVD is rated PG-13). Yeah, let's keep drugs out of the plot because it would be too "realistic" for audiences to comprehend. This is why most remakes suck. They treat the audiences like they are a bunch of three year-olds.
55) THE INVASION (2007) - This is the third theatrical remake of INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1956) and it is by far the worst. Even stars Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig cannot save this turd. How many times can you film the same storyline and still surprise the audience? This film telegraphs all it's scares well ahead of time and instead of not wanting to sleep in fear that alien spores would take over my body, I welcomed sleep like and addict craves heroin. Just so I wouldn't have to finish watching this film. A total bomb at the boxoffice and rightfully so. It gives the word "bad" a bad name.
56) SWEENEY TODD: THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET (2007) - Now don't get me wrong, I love Tim Burton as a director and he has turned out many fine, if offbeat, films (ED WOOD - 1994 is one of my favorite films of all time), but he really has to find a new leading actor besides using Johnny Depp over-and-over. There have been many versions of the Sweeney Todd tale (if you don't know the storyline by now, Google it), including THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET (1936), starring Todd Slaughter, various TV movies and a Broadway musical (music and lyrics by Stephen Sondheim), but Burton (who based his film on the Broadway musical) goes into overkill mode, both in the singing department and the gore department, many scenes at the same time. The blood literally gushes like a waterfall on the screen, while Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter (Mrs. Tim Burton), Alan Rickman and Sacha Baron Cohen warble their way to advance the story. The film is great to look at (Art Director Dante Ferretti deservedly won an Academy Award), but painful on the ears whenever we have to listen to Depp sing. If Burton filmed this story straight without the music, it would probably be considered a classic of the macabre. Right now whenever you mention the film, a lot of people will say, "Isn't it that awful film where Johnny Depp sings?" It's hard to imagine who Burton made this film for. It's way too bloody for the Broadway crowd and the music numbers will not make teens and twenty-somethings leave the theater humming. It's not awful, but just a step above average (I'm still trying to wrap my head around how Johnny Depp and the film itself both won Golden Globes [Depp was even nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actor, but lost!]. Does the Foreign Press have taste that bad?). I expected more from Tim Burton, but as long as he keeps using Johnny Depp (DARK SHADOWS - 2012, anyone?), he will not get out of his rut. Watch SLEEPY HOLLOW (1999) instead. Yes, it's directed by Burton and stars Depp, but it's a period horror film done right. Or better yet, go to the theater and support Tim Burton's stop-motion FRANKENWEENIE (2012), a wonderful feature-length version of his 1984 live action 29-minute short of the same name (It got him fired from Disney for wasting their resources on short films deemed by them to be "too scary" for family viewing! That didn't stop Disney from releasing an edited version of the short on VHS once Burton became famous, but you can see the unedited version of the short as an extra on Burton's THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS [1993] DVD).
57) THE SPIRIT (2008) - Forget the 1987 TV Movie of the same name. It's not much of a film and not many people remember it. Let's focus on the 2008 version. Director Frank Miller decided to take Will Eisner's comic strip and film it mostly all in green screen, much in the same vein of SIN CITY (2005) and 300 (2006), both of which Miller was involved in. While I enjoyed both of those films immensely, this 2008 comic adaptation is severely lacking. The only good thing about this film is Samuel L. Jackson as the Octopus, otherwise it is just an over-stylized arty filmic graphic novel that just screams "Look at me!" Films shouldn't do that. You should just be able to sit down, relax and enjoy the film. You can't do that with this film. Audiences thought so, too, because it bombed at the box office.
58) BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT (2009) - Anyone who would try to remake one of director Fritz Lang's best 1950's noir thrillers (in this case, his 1956 film of the same name) is a fool in my book. The "surprise" ending is telegraphed way before the film ends (especially if you have seen Lang's version) and star Michael Douglas has very little to do here besides concerned that Jesse Metcalfe is looking into his corrupt lawyer behavior. Metcalfe has himself arrested and brought to trial to prove what a corrupt lawyer Douglas is, but the big "reveal" at the ends proves that not everything you see or hear is true. Do yourself a favor and watch Lang's version instead. New version director Peter Hyams bit off a little more than he could chew when he took on Lang. I think if Alfred Hitchcock were alive today, he wouldn't touch Lang's films with a ten foot pole because you don't mess with perfection.
59) PSYCHO (1998) - Speaking of Alfred Hitchcock, this nearly word-for-word remake of Hitchcock's 1960 classic is one of filmdom's worst bonehead moves of all times. Somehow, indie director Gus Van Sant thought it would be a good idea to take Joseph Stefano's screenplay, the same one that Hitchcock used and film a new version of Hitchcock's film, with Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates and Anne Hecht as Marion Crane. Let's just say that this experiment was a total failure and leave it at that. The only difference (besides the talent behind and in front of the camera) is that the new version is in color, where the original was in black & white. The only conclusion I can come to here is that this film was made to get people to watch a version of the film in color, since a lot of young people refuse to watch anything in black & white. Don't laugh, I know people who have this exact mindset. And yes, they are hipster idiots. Another recent film to steal from Hitchcock/Stefano's film is HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET (2012). a PG-13 rated piece of crap with a "surprise" finale. The only surprise is that this film was released to theaters to cash-in on star Jennifer Lawrence's recent blockbuster success in THE HUNGER GAMES (2012; the newest young adult franchise for those tweens who miss TWILIGHT [2008] and its sequels). Otherwise, this film would have went directly to DTV. Or sat on the shelf.
60) CLASH OF THE TITANS (2010) - Call me an old-fashioned fuddy duddy, but I'll take the stop-motion special effects of Ray Harryhausen in the 1981 version of this film (filmed in 1979, it was Harryhausen's last feature film) than the obvious CGI (some of it very bad) monsters of the remake. Sure, Sam Worthington in the remake makes a better action hero than Harry Hamlin in the original, but that's not the point. There's something organic about practical special effects that you can not reproduce with CGI. Sometimes, the CGI takes you out of the film because it looks so fake (not to mention breaking the laws of physics). It was also one of those films that was filmed flat and then had 3-D applied after the film was finished, which never works out very well, as many audience members complained (There's a new system developed by Sony that supposedly fixes that problem). The remake was popular enough to make a sequel, WRATH OF THE TITANS (2012), directed by Jonathan Liebesman (the supremely awful DARKNESS FALLS - 2003), with a second sequel coming in a couple of years.
61) THE TOURIST (2010) - Another action/romance stinker starring Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie, who have the chemistry of two rocks touching each other. The closing credits list that this film is a remake of the 2005 French film ANTHONY ZIMMER, but since I haven't seen it, I cannot properly compare the two. What I can say is that the French film has to be better than this piece of crap, even with a "surprise" finale that anyone with half a brain could see coming a mile away. This was one of the biggest theatrical bombs of 2010.
62) BEASTLY (2011) - Simply horrid retelling of The Beauty And the Beast tale, made for the TWILIGHT (2008) crowd (God, how I hate those films and the way they play fast and loose with the vampire and werewolf legends. I swear, if I see a pasty-faced vampire all "sparkly" during the daytime, I'd pick up the nearest sharp object and ram it through his/her heart without hesitation.). This tale has been told many times, mainly as a 1946 French film directed by Jean Cocteau (recommended) and as a 1991 animated film from Walt Disney (also recommended), along with various other films and TV series (including a new TV series titled BEAUTY & THE BEAST [2012] on The CW). Any of those is preferrable to this piece of celluloid garbage (except for the new TV series), which has some good makeup effects, but the story is pure modern-day revisionist trash. Stay away.
63) SNOW WHITE & THE HUNTSMAN (2012) - More PG-13 revisionist film history to please the TWILIGHT (2008) crowd, now that the franchise is over and done with. Freshman director Rupert Sanders managed to turn a beloved fairy tale into an overlong action epic, casting Kristen Stewart (there's that TWILIGHT connection again) as Snow White, Charlize Theron as the evil Queen and Chris Hemsworth as the Huntsman, who tries to save Snowie's life over and over again. The blasphemy of the whole film is the casting of normal-sized actors as the Seven Dwarfs (not even using the characters' names from the fairy tale!), reducing them in size with CGI trickery. This rightly upset dwarf actors like Warwick Davis, who compared what they did in this film to putting black shoe polish on a white actor and trying to pass him off as an African American. He is absolutely correct. Do yourself a favor and watch the Disney 1937 animated film SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS instead. It's a classic and rightfully so and runs 83 minutes to the revisionist's 127 minute running time (There's also a Director's Cut on DVD that runs 132 minutes). Hell, even SNOW WHITE AND THE THREE STOOGES (1961) is preferrable to this overblown mess.
64) DORIAN GRAY (2009) - This violent and boring version of Oscar Wilde's story about a man who stays eternally young while his painted portrait grows older every year has been filmed many times, beginning with plenty of silent films, but came to life in 1945's THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY (recommended to anyone interested in an honest retelling of the story, except for the homosexual subtext that was a big no-no in the 40's [an Oscar Wilde trait since he was gay]), 1970's DORIAN GRAY (with Helmut Berger as a mod, sex-crazy Dorian Gray), Dan Curtis' 1973 TV Movie production of THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY, various other TV Movies, including a female TV version titled THE SINS OF DORIAN GRAY (1983) and even porn versions, including director Armand Weston's TAKE OFF (1978). This newest version seems more interested in sadomasochistic sex and violence, with fingernails being pulled out, blood being licked off a woman's breasts and other bloody mayhem, yet the film is still a bore. Watch any of the other versions I mentioned instead of this one, unless your tastes run towards women and men being abused violently sexually and physically.
65) LEGEND OF THE MUMMY (1998) - This is the third feature film retelling of author Bram Stoker's "The Jewel Of The Seven Stars", the first being Hammer Films' BLOOD FROM THE MUMMY'S TOMB (1971) and the second being THE AWAKENING (1980). This most recent remake is by far the worst. For one, it is boring as hell, with long stretches of nothing but dialogue. Secondly, the mummy used in this film looks no better than a Halloween costume. Thirdly, it's badly acted, especially by Louis Gossett Jr, who looks like he would rather be anywhere else but here. I always thought that Charlton Heston was miscast in THE AWAKENING and it looked on screen like he knew it, but he's a regular Orson Welles when compared to Gossett's performance. Stay away and save yourself a headache.
66) PRECIOUS FIND (1996) - A science fiction version of the 1948 classic THE TREASURE OF SIERRA MADRE? How did you think it would turn out? Where the original had Humphrey Bogart and Walter Huston in the leads and John Huston as the director, this badly done remake has Rutger Hauer and Joan Chen as the stars and Philippe Mora as the director (who also gave us such filmic classics as THE BEAST WITHIN [1982; probably his best film] and HOWLING II...YOUR SISTER IS A WEREWOLF [1985; the unedited closing credits are great and hummable thanks to the music of Babel and the quick editing showing Sybil Danning ripping-off her top time and time again intercut with the reactions of the cast]), so I'll let your imagination decide how bad it is if you haven't seen it. If you have seen it, I wish I could give you a big hug and say "There, there. Things will get better." Just not in this rotten remake. Why Mora would pick a genuine American classic to remake with sci-fi trappings is the biggest mystery of all. A mystery better left unsolved.
67) A PERFECT MURDER (1998) - I consider Andrew Davis a damn fine action director, but even he would have trouble adapting a romantic thriller loosely based on Alfred Hitchcock's DIAL M FOR MURDER (1954; originally filmed in 3-D, but shown flat because the fad had died down, yet when the fad re-emerged in the early 80's, it got a wide theatrical showing in 3-D), as this reimagining shows. It's neither romantic or thrilling, just your standard "man hires wife's lover to kill her" with a twist at the end. It's not worth waiting for the twist. I understand that Davis was not out to copy Hitchcock (the film is based on the play of the same name and not Hitchcock's film), but it still feels like Hitchcock lite. That is never a good thing. It's like getting half a blowjob.
68) HEAD ABOVE WATER (1997) - Simply horrid remake of the 1993 Norwegian comedy/thriller film HODET OVER VANNET ("Head Above Water "), directed by Nils Gaup. In the original film, lead actress Lene Elise Bergum was topless for more than half the film. In the much tamer PG-13 remake, lead actress Cameron Diaz always kept her tits covered, whether in a bikini top or in sun dresses. If Diaz didn't want to do the nudity, then the director (Jim Wilson) should have hired a different actress. Why does Hollywood feel the need to water-down foreign films? The remake was considered so bad, (it was made in early 1996), that it sat on the shelf for over a year before making its debut on HBO, then on VHS. Don't waste your time. It's much too valuable to spend on drek like this. I consider this a low point for Harvey Keitel, Billy Zane and Craig Sheffer (HELLRAISER: INFERNO - 2000). Personally, I never thought Cameron Diaz could act. She's beautiful and that's about it.
69) PATHFINDER (2007) - Speaking of poor director Nils Gaup, director Marcus Nispel (FRIDAY THE 13TH - 2009) took Gaup's 1987 film of the same name (also known as "Ofelas "), an Academy Award nominee for Best Foreign Film of 1987 (it didn't win) and turned it into a Conan-wannabe. It's no surprise since Nispel also directed the awful remake of CONAN THE BARBARIAN (2011; he also made the better-than-usual THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE remake in 2003). The original is an exciting and bloody telling of how the Vikings attacked Scandinavia. The remake has the Vikings attacking Native Americans. Both films are bloody, but the original has more meat on its bones. When in doubt, stick with the original.
70) SHAFT (2000) - Director John Singleton tries to recreate the magic that director Gordon's Parks' 1971 original brought to theaters and fails miserably. I have nothing against Samuel L. Jackson (who plays Shaft in the remake), but, at least to me , only Richard Roundtree (who makes a cameo in the remake) could be Shaft. The original was such an important film in so many ways (take it from me, I lived those years). It was just one of a handful of films that created the blaxploitation craze, which would last until the mid-70's (besides an occasional film or comedy send-up over the years), but it was different than most blaxploitation films. For one, not every white character in the film was a bad guy or corrupt, which would soon disappear in most blaxploitation films that followed it. Secondly, Richard Roundtree was the essence of cool, not taking shit from any man or woman, yet he could be just as kind to them, too. The original changed the way music was used in films (Isaac Hayes, who would later play TRUCK TURNER [1974], created a soundtrack which is still considered a classic today), as well as the way blacks were portrayed. They we just like everyone else. They had their good points and bad and probably opened the eyes of white Hollywood suits to the profitability of films of this type (the original spawned two sequels and a short-lived TV series). The remake feels flat and tiresome when compared to the original, almost like a TV movie with swearing, nudity and violence. Stick to the original, since it was a watermark in the way blacks were to be portrayed in films from that point on. NOTE: A sequel is being filmed for a release in 2018.
71) FIREWALL (2006) - Director Richard Loncraine took his excellent 1987 crime thriller BELLMAN AND TRUE (which was originally a 150-minute British TV movie and then was cut to 117 minutes for a theatrical release, which the U.S. MPAA Rated R) and Americanized it for our consumption (in other words, it was watered-down and Rated PG-13). The story is simple: The head of security of a big bank has his family held hostage until he breaks through the bank's computer firewall and lets the crooks steal millions of dollars. The problem with the remake? Well, Harrison Ford is the head of security and I doubt he owned a computer rather than be efficient and technological enough to break through a firewall. He's about as convincing in that role as Richard Simmons would be playing a manly stud who gets all the girls. American audiences thought so, too, as it was one of Harrison Ford's least profitable films. Do yourself a favor and search out the original. It's a crackling good thriller besides the outdated computer technology on view.
72) WAR OF THE WORLDS (2005) - Let me get one thing straight: I think Steven Spielberg is an excellent director, but even excellent directors are capable of making a bad film every now and then. I cried at the end of E.T.-THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL (1982). I cried at the end of SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (1998). CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1977) is one of my favorite sci-fi films and RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981) is one of the best adventure films of all time. But when he tried to remake the 1953 original of the George Pal production, something was lost in the translation. Where the original was a stripped-down to the basics "us vs. them" classic, the remake tried to throw in family drama (a Spielberg trademark), special effects that, at least to me, were not so special (although getting hit by the alien's death ray was pretty well done) and a head-scratching sequence involving a not-quite-right-in-the-head Tim Robbins (I'm still trying to figure that one out). It's not really that bad a film (both Gene Barry and Ann Robinson from the original make cameos) and for once, Spielberg was able to keep a film at less than two hours long, but you can't beat the original for thrills and that familiar alien sound as they are firing their weapons. The Asylum also made their own version in 2005: H.G. WELLS WAR OF THE WORLDS (and a sequel, WAR OF THE WORLDS 2: THE NEXT WAVE - 2008) and there was also a 1988 - 1990 TV Series.
73) SLEUTH (2007) - Inferior remake of the 1972 original, which earned Academy Award nominations for actors Michael Caine and Sir Laurence Olivier and director Joseph L. Mankiewicz. The twisty screenplay of the original, written by Anthony Shaffer (based on his play of the same name) was rewritten in the remake by noted writer Harold Pinter, directed by Kenneth Branagh (MARY SHELLEY'S FRANKENSTEIN - 1994; THOR - 2011) and stars the original's Michael Caine (GET CARTER - 1971), with Jude Law (SHERLOCK HOLMES - 2009) as his adversary. The new twists in Pinter's screenplay just don't work as well as Shaffer's original and the film suffers because of it. Everyone else in front and behind the camera do a bang-up job, but something feels like it is missing. This is not as bad as many of the films on this list, but when compared to the surprises of the original, it has the feeling of a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest.
74) TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, SPY (2011) - How do you destroy John le Carré's Cold War spy novel of the same name and crap on the Emmy-nominated 1979 BBC Mini-Series (which ran 315 minutes and was shown in seven parts) starring Sir Alec Guiness? Why you cut out most of the sub-plots, hire some of the best British talent today and have Tomas Alfredson (LET THE RIGHT ONE IN - 2008) direct a maddening 128 minute version of it. It's maddening because of the way it is edited and it's much more over-complicated than it should be. I watched it two times and I still didn't understand what the hell was going on, which is a shame because Gary Oldman (nominated for an Academy Award), John Hurt, Toby Jones, Colin Firth and Benedict Cumberbatch are so good in it. Great acting is not enough, though. You need a screenplay that you can follow (and I enjoy intellectual thrillers), but the screenplay, by Bridget O'Connor & Peter Straughan (who, true to Oscar thinking, were both nominated for an Academy Award) is so confusing, even MENSA members would be shaking their heads and saying, "What the fuck was that all about?" Do yourself a favor and purchase the 1979 Mini-Series on DVD and set aside nearly six hours to watch it. You can thank me later on.
75) DAREDEVIL (2003) - If you have been reading my comments about comic book superheroes made into films, you already know that I really don't care for them (although there are a few which are truly exceptional) and this film is one of the bad ones. The Daredevil, who is a blind lawyer named Matt Murdock (here portrayed by Ben Affleck, who is now deservingly winning much praise as a director/actor, but back when this film was made, critics and audiences were about to have the bad taste of GIGLI [2003] on their minds due to his much-publicized romance with co-star Jennifer Lopez, the paparazzi dubbing them "Bennifer") was first given the live-action treatment in the 1989 TV Movie THE TRIAL OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK (in which Rex Smith portrayed the Daredevil), roams the rooftops of buildings looking for crooks to capture with his tricked-out blindman's cane. He does such a good job of cutting crime in the city that he pisses-off the city's biggest crime lord, the Kingpin (portrayed by the late Michael Clarke Duncan), who hires supreme bad guy Bullseye (Colin Farrell, whose name is getting plenty of mentions on both the good and bad remake lists), whose motto is "I never miss.", to kill the Daredevil. The film has some good points (especially in the R-Rated Director's cut which restores a whole courtroom subplot featuring rapper Coolio; the film was rated PG-13 in theaters and on the original DVD and VHS releases), such as the Daredevil's final fight with both Bullseye (who has a funny scene after the closing credits) and the Kingpin and the hilarious banter between Murdock and best friend/law partner "Foggy" (Jon Favreau, who went on to direct one of the best superhero films, IRON MAN - 2008), but it is really unexceptional in the canons of superhero mythology (especially the way Matt Murdock is blinded as a child). As usual for a Marvel comics-turned-film, Stan Lee puts in a cameo. Look for director/comic book geek Kevin Smith as "Jack Kirby, Forensic Assistant" (Smith also wrote some Daredevil comics and suggested Affleck play the title character to director Mark Steven Johnson). Jennifer Garner (whom Affleck married in 2005) co-stars here as another superhero, who got her own spin-off film, ELEKTRA, in 2005. It's even worse than this film. Since neither of these films ever received a sequel, audiences probably tend to agree with my assessment.
76) PHANTOM OF THE OPERA (2004) - There have been many versions of Gaston Leroux's story, including the famous 1925 version starring Lon Chaney, the 1943 Technicolor musical starring Claude Rains and Nelson Eddy, the 1962 Hammer Films Production starring the late Herbert Lom, a bastardized 1989 version starring Robert Englund and director Dario Argento's 1998 version (as well as various TV Movies over the years). This most recent big-budget version is based on the long-running Broadway musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber (it opened on Broadway in 1988 and is still going strong after over 10,000 performances!) and was directed by Joel Schumacher, a person I admire for his not being pigeonholed as a director of any specific genre of film. But if you've been reading this compiled list, you know that even the best directors have their off days and this is one of Schumacher's (don't get me started on THE NUMBER 23 - 2007, Schumacher's next directorial effort after this film). This remake is a looong 143 minutes so, of course, it was nominated for three Academy Awards (for Achievement In Music [for a song Webber composed solely for the fim], Art Direction and Cinematography), but won none of them. While the film is a feast for the eyes, you'll still be looking occasionally at the clock wondering when this will all be over. Schumacher didn't even bother using most of the Broadway cast for the movie, instead opting for Gerard Butler (as the Phantom), Patrick Wilson, Minnie Driver (whose singing is dubbed; the rest of the actors sang for themselves), Miranda Richardson and Emmy Rossum to headline the film. Do yourself a favor: Take your wife/husband/lover for a trip to Broadway and see the theater version after having a nice meal. It's a great play, but will cost you a few hundred dollars for the night. I guarantee you'll get lucky once you get home. Not so much with this film, though.
77) VANISHING POINT (1997) - Let me make this as simple as possible: Question: How do you top one of the best 1970's road movies with a nihilistic ending (right up there with DIRTY MARY CRAZY LARRY - 1974)? Answer: You don't. The 1971 original, where star Barry Newman (as Kowalski) sets to prove he can drive a 1970 Dodge Challenger from Denver to San Francisco in just fifteen hours (and becomes an American hero in the process, avoiding roadblocks and police chases) and the late Cleavon Little (as blind DJ Super Soul, who keeps the country updated on his progress, also dropping clues to Kowalski on the air) has one of the most depressing endings of any film that I can ever remember. To remake it as a 1997 TV Movie starring Viggo Mortensen as Kowalski (who, in a change of the original's story, is racing 1200 miles [in what looks to be a 1972, not 1970, White Dodge Challenger] to be with his wife, who is pregnant and in labor) and Jason Priestly as a Howard Stern-type radio DJ who helps Kowalski avoid psychopathic State Trooper Steve Railsback, is one of the most boneheaded moves in TV history. Gone are the naked lady on the motorcycle (in the remake, the girl on the motorcycle, played by Peta Wilson, is clothed in a bikini top and cut-off denim shorts), along with any shred of filmic dignity. The ending of the remake is especially maddening, because it defies not only all the laws of physics, but also how much damage a body can take rolling out of a car going 150 MPH. A total disgrace from beginning to end.
78) THE TRUTH ABOUT CHARLIE (2002) - I'm a big fan of the movie CHARADE (1963; directed by Stanley Donen; SATURN 3 - 1980), which this film is a remake of and is not the best film in director Jonathan Demme's fine list of films, which includes such classics as as CAGED HEAT (1974) and SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991), as well as the loser THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (2004) remake. It could be because Demme cast Mark Wahlberg (who has been mentioned a lot in these best and worst lists) in the Cary Grant role, Thandie Newton in the Audrey Hepburn role and Tim Robbins in the Walter Matthau role. The plot of the remake is basically the same as the original (the original film's sole screenwriter Peter Stone is one of four screenwriters of the remake and he took the pseudonym "Peter Joshua" [the name of Cary Grant's character in the original], which should tell you something), but the chemistry is missing between Wahlberg and Newton, something which was quite evident between Grant and Hepburn in the original. But don't take my word for it. Buy the special edition double DVD, which contains widescreen editions of both films and decide for yourself. You can find it cheap on most online stores that sell DVDs.
79) TUCK EVERLASTING (2002) - Disneyfied version of the Natalie Babbitt book of the same name, but if you want to see the book done right (even though the book didn't impress me), than the only way to see it is the 1981 independent original directed by Frederick King Keller (who went on to become a popular TV director) and starring a bunch of amateur actors who never did any other film. The story is simple: A twelve year-old girl named Winne Foster (Margaret Chamberlain) takes a walk in the woods and meets 17 year-old Jesse Tuck (Paul Flessa), who brings her back home after some trepidation to meet his family, headed by Angus Tuck (played by Keller's father). The Tuck family hold a very dark secret: Somehow they became immortal and will never age. How Winne handles the secret is the crux of the story and there's and immortal turtle subplot (in the book, it was an immortal frog). Yes, the original film runs very slow and may try some people's patience, but stick with it because I guarantee you will not have a dry eye after it ends. The Disney remake makes Winne a few years older (to keep those dreaded pedophiles from jerking-off in the theater), but the story is not about romance between a girl and an immortal boy, it's about love of a family cursed to outlive everyone. I quess the theme got lost on the remake's screenwriters, because they decided that the romance was the way to go. If you like truly independent films, find the 1981 version (it's not available on DVD) on VHS at an online auction site ilke eBay.
80) BRAVE NEW WORLD (1998) - Trying to adapt Aldous Huxley's groundbreaking novel in 87 minutes (it's a TV Movie made for cable) is like trying to squeeze a boulder through the eye of a needle. It just doesn't work. Subplots are dropped and major plot points are glossed over. At least the not-so-perfect 180 minute TV Movie made in 1980 tries a little harder, but filming a Huxley novel is simply quite hard (if not impossible) to do. Maybe someone will throw a wheelbarrow-full of money at Peter Jackson when he is done with his Hobbit films and he will give it a try. Don't look for either versions on legitimate DVD, because they don't exist, but they are both available on VHS. It is time for someone to make a valid remake of the novel because it couldn't be more pertinent than it is today. Isn't it funny how old science fiction novels slowly become science fact? Not like all this TWILIGHT/HUNGER GAMES crap. Teens should be reading Huxley and Rand, not the authors of these "young adult" novels, who write them so they will make a mint on selling them for movie rights.
81) THE BOURNE IDENTITY (2002) - A lot of people love this series of films based on the late Robert Ludlum novels (other people are writing new Bourne novels to keep the movie franchise going) and I find them entertaining, too, but it started a trend which still goes on today and pisses me off to no end. Yes, I am talking about the "shakey-cam" technique used whenever there is a fight or action scene. It's maddening trying to figure out heads or tails what the hell is going on in the scenes, therefore I give this film and the entire series failing marks. I hear people saying, "But, Fred, why is this in the remake lists at all?" Very simple, my friends. It was once a 185-minute TV mini-series in 1988, with Richard Chamberlain as Jason Bourne (!) and Jaclyn Smith as his love interest. As we all know now, Richard Chamberlain is gay, but Chamberlain is such a good actor, you forget that aspect of his real life quicker than you think. I think all these editors brought-up on the quick-cutting of music video should study the films of the 30's, 40's 50's & 60's, where scenes ran longer than two seconds without an edit. To see how well it can be do in a recent movie, check out Tony Jaa's fight on the circular staircase of the illegal animal restaurant in the Thailand film THE PROTECTOR (2005). It is filmed in one unedited take and lasts nearly five minutes. It's one of the best fight scenes in recent history and there's no shakey-cam or quick edits to give you a headache.
82) UNFAITHFUL (2002) - I would rather stand in front of a mirror and watch my moustache hairs grow than to view this Adrian Lyne-directed "romantic thriller' again. You would think with a cast that includes Richard Gere, Diane Lane and Oliver Martinez, that the film would at least be watchable, but this remake of the French film, THE UNFAITHFUL WIFE (1969), directed by Claude Chabrol, is about as boring as watching a mile-long race between a snail and a turtle.
83) REPTILIAN (2001) - Here are the ingredients if you wish to make a lousy giant monster flick: Take one Korean director/story writer (in this case, Hyung-rae Shim; DRAGON WARS: D-WAR - 2007), fill it with 99% American actors (like Harrison Young, Matt Landers, Brad Sergei and Wiley M. Pickett) and dig out Korean giant monster Yongary, of the film YONGARY, MONSTER FROM THE DEEP (1967), spell the monster's name "Yonggary" for legal reasons and fill the screen with some of the worst CGI this side of a SyFy Original Film. The giant monster is mostly a CGI creation, as it shambles down streets destroying CGI buildings and the American actors speakie the English the way Koreans think we do. Mix it all together with the utmost of "I don't care or give a fuck about such things as continuity" and what you come up with is this stinky fart of a film. My cats have shit things more interesting than this film and I am being kind. I'll take the 60's rubber-suited monsters destroying miniature sets any day. After watching this film, so will you.
84) DUNE (2000) - This remake of the 1984 original directed by David Lynch are both based on the same novel by Frank Herbert. It was shown in a trunicated version as a mini-series (265 minutes) on the Sci-Fi Channel (now SyFy) shorn of some violence and all of the nudity, making some of the scenes seem downright strange (nudity is a very important element in this version, especially during one scene) and the first U.S. DVD released of this mini-series was the same as the one shown on the Sci-Fi Channel. The only way to watch this version is to purchase or rent the Director's Cut DVD which runs 286 minutes. It restores all the nudity and violence missing from the American TV version (The British TV version ran 280 minutes). Even with everything restored to its original glory, I still much prefer the extended 180 minute-plus David Lynch version (even though Lynch disowns this version). To me, at least, it contains more heart and soul than the mini-series and the Lynchian touches abound. The giant worm scenes are also much better because they are achieved using practical effects and miniature sets rather than the remake's CGI effects. I've seen the Lynch version at least a dozen times and always find something new to enjoy about it. Not so with the remake. I guess it all comes down to personal preference, because Lynch's version gets a lot of bad press and the mini-series gets a lot of praise, so much so, that the Sci-Fi Channel immediately ordered a mini-series sequel, CHILDREN OF DUNE, which was shown in 2003.
85) PROOF OF LIFE (2000) - I know director Taylor Hackford (DEVIL'S ADVOCATE - 1997) says that this movie is based on a couple of magazine articles on the kidnapping and ransom trade in Mexico and other Latin American countries, but for my money, I would have to say that he and screenwriter Tony Gilroy (THE BOURNE IDENTITY - 2002) watched the Charles Bronson film BREAKOUT (1975) one too many times and either unconsciously remade the film or did it on purpose. Watch the films back-to-back and decide for yourself. Besides Hackford's film being an overlong 135 minutes, the similarities between the two films are astounding. I remember when watching the Hackford film for the first time that a sense of deja vu came across me until I realized that it was the same exact plot (with some romance thrown-in the Hackford film to give it the bloated running time) when I went to bed that night. I pulled out my copy of the Bronson film (directed by Tom Gries; HELTER SKELTER - 1976, who died much too young of a heart attack [while playing tennis] at age 54 in 1977) and, voila!, the deja vu disappeared and remake fever hit me like a sickness. The Bronson film, in my opinion, is much more enjoyable and, at 96 minutes, won't try your patience (Hackford has a tendency to make films that are overlong). Both films have a roster of fine actors, but the Bronson film also had the late Sheree North (TELEFON - 1977) in a large role. I was always in love with Sheree North (who passed away in 2005) as a teenager and that's why I remembered this film so quickly after watching Hackford's film.
86) GODZILLA (1998) - Toho Films finally relented and allowed the United States to make their own Godzilla film. What do we do with that responsibility? Well, if you are director Roland Emmerich, you turn Godzilla into a generic CGI dinosaur who looks nothing like the Godzilla in the films that the Japanese started making in 1954 until 1985 (and then picked up once again from the 90's into the new Millennium, with a streamlined, but recognizable Godzilla). In this "remake" the faux Godzilla attacks New York City and it's up to Matthew Broderick, Jean Reno, Maria Patillo and comic relief Hank Azaria (as a news cameraman) to try to find a way to get rid of the giant dinosaur. When the faux Godzilla lays eggs in Madison Square Garden, the film turns into JURASSIC PARK (1993), where a bunch of baby faux Godzillas attack the cast. This is the reason Toho Films hold the Godzilla franchise so near and dear to them, frequently filing lawsuits to those who dare use the name Godzilla to promote their moneymaker. This film shows why we should admire Toho, rather than admonish them. This didn't have to be a Godzilla film at all. It could have been made as a sequel to the BEAST FROM 20,000 FANTHOMS (1953) or GORGO (1961). It would have made more sense, but then it would not have made the mega-bucks it raked-in at theaters. Godzilla lovers have a right to be up in arms about this remake. It's a bastardization of all those films we grew up watching as kids. News Update: Hollywood will be making a new Godzilla reboot slated to premiere May 2014 that promises to be more faithful to the original. It has been garnering more than its share of good reviews, so it looks like their pick of Gareth Edwards (MONSTERS - 2010) to direct it was the right decision.
87) MACON COUNTY JAIL (1997) - During the mid-90's, producer Roger Corman was remaking all his popular films from the 50's, 60's & 70's (many for pay cable station Showtime) and this was one of the last ones, a remake of JACKSON COUNTY JAIL (1976). This remake (which is actually the second remake of this film if you count the TV Movie OUTSIDE CHANCE - 1978) is a pale reflection of the original, even if it stars Ally Sheedy, David Carradine and Charles Napier, who all were at career lows when this remake was made. Since the original was recently released on DVD, there is absolutely no reason to watch this lousy remake, which is an embarassment to everyone involved (including the original's screenwriter Donald Stewart, who was contractually given co-credit for the screenplay to the remake [with director Victoria Muspratt], even though he didn't write one word for it).
88) THE HAUNTING (1999) - Not a bright spot in director Jan De Bont's career (neither was SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL - 1997). While the 1963 original was a classic of implied horror, this remake leaves little to the imagination, including Owen Wilson being beheaded (even though the film was rated PG-13). The film is full of CGI trickery, which spoils what horror there really is. Intelligent horror films, especially ones dealing with haunted houses, are a thing of the past. Christ, just plain old intelligent horror film are hard to find nowadays. Leave some things to the imagination, because your mind can come up with a lot scarier things than any horror movie can, something which Jan De Bont failed to understand. If he watched the original, maybe he would have learned a lesson or two. This remake is not a bad film, it's just ordinary when compared to the original, which was directed by Robert Wise, a master director of many genres, including the original THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (1951), WEST SIDE STORY (1961) and THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN (1971).
89) THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN (2008) & COMA (2012) - Speaking of Robert Wise and THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN (1971), the A&E Network tried to make a mini-series out of the Michael Crichton novel of the same name (Crichton passed away the same year the remake was made) and failed miserably. Where director Robert Wise excelled at creating suspense about a deadly contagion from a crashed satellite killing an entire town and an underground laboratory that tries to find a cure for it (and did it all with a G Rating, something he wouldn't get away with today, especially the wrist slicing and nothing but the died powdered blood that pours out of the wound), remake director Mikael Salomon (who also directed the SALEM'S LOT - 2004 remake) preys on the fear of a modern post-9/11 society of a pandemic (Which the news agencies are glad to over-report on, with nothing much happening in the long run. Think of the "Bird Flu", "SARS" and "H5N1 Virus" and all the anxious and exaggerated press they all got. Did you anyone you know fall victim to any of them?). Then the A&E Network waited four years to remake COMA (1978), the movie based on a Robin Cook novel and directed and written by Michael Crichton. Coincidence? I think not. The original film was a suspenseful thriller about a doctor who has suspicions that patients are purposely being killed and having their organs harvested for transplants to the highest bidders. The remake takes that same premise and stretches it out to a two-day mini-series. What took 113 minutes to tell in the original suddenly turned into a 240 minute remake (also directed by Mikael Salomon who, to be fair, directed one of my guilty pleasures, HARD RAIN in 1998). In an age where time is important to nearly everyone, who has the time to watch a mini-series when there is a perfectly good original available on DVD and it doesn't take up your whole evening? Or two. Both mini-series were Executive Produced by Ridley Scott and the late Tony Scott (who committed suicide by jumping off a bridge for reasons that are still unclear).
90) RED DAWN (2009) - Is it possible for a movie to both suck and blow at the same time? Well, watch this remake of director John Milius' 1984 original and decide for yourself. The fact that the remake was made in 2009 (I was unlucky enough to view it in 2011), but not released to theaters until the Thanksgiving holiday in 2012 should tell you something (some of the actors in this film have since become stars in the ensuing years, including Chris Hemsworth [THOR - 2011]). And to add even more controversy, the remake had the Chinese invading our country (in the original, it was the Russians and Cubans), but since they own half our country anyway and we don't want to insult them (God forbid!), the filmmakers looped out every mention of China and digitally altered the uniforms and now the invaders are North Koreans! Fucking North Koreans! They can't even defeat South Korea! Do yourself a favor and watch the original if you must. I don't find the original compelling at all, but at least it contained a roster of actors (Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, C. Thomas Howell, William Smith, Lea Thompson, Jennifer Grey, Harry Dean Stanton, Ron O'Neal and Ben Johnson) that kept you entertained in an unbelievable situation. I mean, c'mon, would our President allow a small town to be overtaken by a bunch of foreign invaders? I don't think so (Well, maybe George Bush Jr.).
91) CHILDREN OF THE CORN (2009) - While the 1984 adaptation of Stephen King's CHILDREN OF THE CORN was no great shakes (not to mention the many sequels), this remake of the original is one of the most aggravating movies I have ever seen, thanks to the headache-inducing performance of Kandyse McClure as the wife of a Vietnam veteran (This film takes place in 1975). Her constant whining and put-downs of her husband (especially her remarks of calling him a baby and woman killer during his stretch in the military) made me want to slap her silly and then tear her apart. She's in the film much too long and when she finally does get killed by all the children, it's more anti-climatic than satisfying, because we never really see what they do to her. As a matter of fact, after she is killed there is no reason to watch the rest of the film because it is a boring piece of dried-up dog crap. What else did you expect from a SyFy Original Movie? Originality? The Unrated DVD of the film promises more graphic gore than the version shown on SyFy, but I have no desire of ever rewatching this film again. The worst part of the film is when the main adult protagonist (David Anders) is running through the corn field to escape the children and has a Nam flashback that he is being attacked by the enemy . He ends up stabbing a very young boy in the neck (maybe his wife wasn't wrong) and kills several more children. The only original idea in this film is that the children display the town's adult corpses as mannequins in store windows. Don't expexct to see "He Who Walks Behind the Rows", just your usual modern day ending where evil wins and the film is left wide open for a sequel. A sequel that will never happen.
92) AND SOON THE DARKNESS (2010) - While this film had some potential in the beginning 15 minutes, it degenerates into a standard serial kidnap thriller that offers very little surprises. Where director Robert Fuest's 1970 original was an atmospheric, moody thriller, this remake offers none of that. The only thing these two films have in common is two females on bicycles in a foreign country and one of them disappears. The usually dependable Karl Urban (DREDD 3D - 2012) is wasted in the remake as a man who is searching for his own girlfriend who has disappeared. Stick with the original since it is available on DVD from Anchor Bay Entertainment.
93) APRIL FOOL'S DAY (2008) - I'm a fan of the directorial team known as "The Butcher Brothers" (who are actually Mitchell Altieri and Phil Flores), especially their minor masterpiece THE VIOLENT KIND (2010), but this reimagining of director Fred Walton's 1986 film of the same name (which was marketed so wrong by Paramount Pictures, making it seem like an 80's gore film instead of the black comedy and social satire it really was, that it lost money at the boxoffice) is nothing but your basic stalk 'n' slash DTV horror flick. Sure, there is plenty of bloody unrated gore, but this film is no different than the hundreds of slasher films where we have to guess who the killer is after a prank goes deadly wrong. It's not a badly made horror film, just an unremarkable one.
94) OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL (2013) - This is director Sam Raimi's revisionist version of the classic 1939 fantasy THE WIZARD OF OZ. This film concentrates on how a simple magician (James Franco, who is terribly miscast) becomes the said Wizard of the mystical land of Oz. While the film is a treat for the eyes, the story leaves much to be desired and you'll not see any mention of Dorothy, the Cowardly Lion, the Tin Man or the Scarecrow. What you will see are flying monkeys, evil and good witches, Munchkins and the Yellow Brick Road. For all its visual beauty, the sad fact is that a weak screenplay destroys this film. I'm a huge fan of Raimi, so this was a bitter letdown. It may be a good film for kids, but adults will be checking the clock because it runs a bloated 130 minutes. While not a direct sequel (it's more of a prequel), it does contain enough familiar characters to make it seem like one.
95) FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC (2014) - I'm not a particularly fond fan of the 1987 PG-13 Rated theatrical film of the same name based on V.C. Andrews' novel, but it looks like a masterpiece of terror when compared to this Lifetime TV Movie (directed by Deborah Chow). The story is about a cruel mother and her even crueler grandmother who keep four kids hidden in the attic so their mother can inherit her estranged father's fortune (they have since made up, but he can't stand children). One of the biggest complaints of the original film is that it ignored the incest angle between the two trapped teenage brother and sister in the attic. The TV movie takes it a little further (they kiss while she is wearing her bra and they sleep in the same bed, but no nudity or mention of intercourse), but the ending is so ridiculous, it seems like a set-up for an inevitable sequel. At least the original film ended in a fashion where everything was settled and the mother and grandmother got their just desserts. There's none of that in this film. The grandmother (Ellen Burstyn, who only holds a candle to the original's Louise Fletcher) is left standing on a darkened staircase yelling for help (Ohhh, how scary) and the mother (Heather Graham) gets clean away. The three kids (yes, the younger boy has died from a poisoned donut this time instead of a poisoned cookie), after spending two years in the attic, instead steal some money and other valuables, escape the house (with a newly-installed electric fence) and hop a train to Florida! The teenage girl's voiceover mentions that one day she hopes to meet-up with her mother, which screams SEQUEL!!! to me. Do yourself a favor and just ignore the remake. As a matter of fact, just ignore both of them (even though the original had more of a gothic feel). A lot of people like the original. I bet they take this remake as a slap in the face. (NOTE: February 18, 2014: Lifetime announced a sequel [starting ten years after the first film] starring nearly everyone from the first film to be called PETALS ON THE WIND that was televised on Memorial Day May 26, 2014. Karen Moncrieff [THE DEAD GIRL - 2006] directed, which gives me some hope that this will be better than the remake.) NOTE #2: Sorry to say that PETALS was actually worse than its predecessor. NOTE #3: Lifetime dumped two more (and the last) sequels, IF THERE BE THORNS and SEEDS OF YESTERDAY, on consecutive Sundays (April 5 & April 12, 2015) without much fanfare. Needless to say, reviews were not kind.
96) 47 RONIN (2013) - This is exactly what happens when you let Keanu Reeves star in a movie with a  $175 million budget (It was directed by first-timer Carl Rinsch in 3-D. What studio in their right mind would give $175 million to a newcomer and let them make a movie?). It turned out to be the biggest flop of 2013, even beating out Johnny Depp and THE LONE RANGER (let's not even talk about that crappy "re-imagining", a word they made up so they can take liberties with the original legend). While the film is not as bad as some critics made it out to be, Universal Studios took the film, re-edited to the mess it is now in its now-118 minute edition and gave it no press at all, springing it on audiences who knew absolutely nothing about it (On Christmas Day 2013, no less!). Universal decided to eat the budget rather than spend any more money advertising it. It's a shame, because it could of at least made a little more money if they released some trailers on TV with some of the more exciting action sequences. The movie has been filmed six times previously, with the first one being the two-part Japanese THE 47 RONIN (1941), the first part released one week before the attack on Pearl Harbor. This is also Reeves' second martial arts films in a little more than a month, with the excreable MAN OF TAI CHI (which he also directed) opening in the U.S. with no fanfare in the first week of November 2013. It looks like the sheen has finally come off Keanu Reeves and it looks like he's going to finally have to make that BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE (1989) second sequel if he want to get some of his mojo back, if he can at all. I rather doubt that he can recover from this fiasco, but stranger things have happened.
97) OLDBOY (2013) - Director Spike Lee (Who still advertizes his films as "A Spike Lee Joint". Are you kidding me?) completely misses the point of director Park Chan-wook's Korean award-winning 2003 film of the same name and makes a film that's high on violence, low on intelligence. The premise is still the same: James Brolin is imprisoned in a room for reasons unknown for twenty years (in the original, it was fifteen years) and then is suddenly released (he wakes up in a trunk in the middle of a field). He then sets out on a mission of revenge, looking for the person who held him and wanting to know the reason why he was imprisoned. There are some excrutiating scenes of hammer violence, but director Lee misses the subtleties of the original. There is one funny scene where Brolin stares at a squid swimming in a tank at a restaurant (in the original, the prisoner ate the squid alive, a scene that shocked many people), but there's not much to recommend here unless you are a violence junkie. Besides, those of us who have seen the original know how the film ends and why America keeps churning out remakes of Asian films still makes me scratch my head. This film failed miserably at the boxoffice and rightfully so. Spike Lee keeps saying the filmmaking business is full of racists (Universal cut his film down from 140 minutes to 105 minutes), but it has been a long time since he has made a good film. It's about time he looked in the mirror and saw who is really to blame. Now he has the nerve to ask the public through Kickstarter to fund his next film. This is a man who owns two mansions. The public should demand their money back for being forced to sit through this film. Lee can be talented when he wants to be (I absolutely love SUMMER OF SAM - 1999, but that was 14 years ago), but he seems to be coasting as of late.
98) ROBOCOP (2014) - Whenever I hear that someone wants to remake a Paul Verhoeven film, all I can do is shake my head and die a little inside. This remake/reboot of Verhoeven's 1987 classic is just a mere shadow of the original, with Joel Kinnaman replacing Peter Weller as Officer Alex Murphy in a new streamlined suit that gives Kinnaman more face time than Weller ever had. When Brazilian director José Padilha (ELITE SQUAD - 2007) calls the film "The worst experience of my life. For every ten ideas I brought to the film, the studio refused nine.", you know that this was a film directed by committee, not by a single person. The fact that it is also Rated PG-13 doesn't help, but even if this film was released on Blu-Ray and DVD in an R-Rated or Unrated edition (it wasn't), it couldn't even be considered a pimple on the original's ass. This is remaking at its worse and should be avoided by all. Even director José Padilha grew so tired of the Hollywood System of making movies, he went back to Rio to direct his next film. Doesn't that tell you something? I call this the "John Woo Syndrome."
99) ROSEMARY'S BABY (2014) - Remember what I wrote about remaking a Paul Verhoeven film in the above ROBOCOP review? Well multiply that by ten when it comes to remaking a Roman Polanski film. I may not care for Polanski as a human being (skipping the country to avoid jail time in the rape of a 13 year-old girl), but the man could sure make masterpieces when it came to films. Here, NBC makes a four hour miniseries (with commercials, and plenty of them) of Polanski's 1968 masterpiece of the supernatural about the conception of the birth of the Devils's son in an apartment complex full of Devil worshippers. In this remake, Zoe Saldana takes the role originally created by Mia Farrow and let me just say this: If you refuse to have your hair cut and decide to have an ill-fitting wig put on your head instead, your are not committed to your role. There's plenty of filler in this remake, directed by female Agnieszka Holland, and not much suspense, which is why it was probably shown during the end of the regular TV season. The screenplay, by James Wong and Scott Abbott, takes plenty of liberties with Ira Levin's novel and the ending is completely different from the original film (it's best not to show the son of Satan and let your imagination take over as in the original, but this mini-series doesn't follow that rule). If you want to sit through four hours of pure tedium and boredom. by all means watch this remake. All others should have the sense to stay away. Nobody can out-Polanski Polanski.
100) LEFT BEHIND (2014) - Well, here we are at number 100 and wouldn't you know it, it's a Nicolas Cage movie! This awful $16 million dollar remake of the DTV 2000 film (which spun off 2 sequels) and series of religious novels by Tim LaHaye & Jerry B. Jenkins has married Cage playing a pilot who is having an affair with a stewardess (escuse me, flight attendent) because his wife suddenly has found God (Cage says, "Well, if she is going to have an affair, it might as well be with Jesus!"). All around him he see signs and people announcing that the end of man and the Earth will come shortly, In other words, The Rapture. It finally happens about an hour into the film when Cage is piloting a commercial airliner to London (where he and his mistress plan on going to a U2 concert!) and many of his passengers just up and disappear. Since the air traffic controller tower and the airport experiences the same phenomenon (as does the rest of the world), Cage must find a way to land the plane and find his family to see if they are OK (now he worries about them!). Cage is downbeat and underplays the role, which is unusual for him, because he is usually the one flinging his arms around and acting wildly. This film could have used that to keep the audience awake, Instead this is a boring, badly scripted and acted film with awful special effects and even worse CGI. If this film takes off (pardon the pun) at the boxoffice (initial reports show that it is doing dismally), there are plans on making more films in the series, just like they did in the early Millennium. Director Vic Armstrong is known best as a stuntman (the only thing that is decent in this film are the stunts, which includes the tipping of a school bus off a highway and a car crashing into a mall), but he has directed a handful of features, including the 1993 Dolph Lundgren action film ARMY OF ONE (a.k.a. JOSHUA TREE), which is so much better than this piece of religious claptrap (even religious blogs are panning it). Co-screenwriter Paul LaLonde produced and wrote the screenplay to the original 2000 film and recently formed his own religious production company, Stoney Lake Entertainment, to make faith-based films. This was his first one. If boxoffice receipts are any indicators, it looks like he will be making DTV flicks from now on. But these films always make their budget back from home video sales, so who knows? All I know is the 2000 film (starring Kirk Cameron, who is still churning out religious-themed films like SAVING CHRISTMAS - 2014) was no great shakes, but it was told in a much simpler, more effective way. This one relies on too much razzle-dazzle and not enough story. Rated PG-13, which is unusual for faith-based films, so religious parents may not want to take their kids and brainwash them using this movie as a starting point. The only things kids will probably learn is that adultery can lead to The Rapture. And that is just crazy. If that were true, it would have happened years ago when my first wife cheated on me.
101) POLTERGEIST (2015) - The biggest difference between this disappointing remake of the Tobe Hooper/Steven Spielberg 1982 masterpiece, is that the remake offers little time for character development. It is only mere minutes before Eric (Sam Rockwell; THE GREEN MILE - 1999) and Amy Bowen (Rosemarie DeWitt; THE WATCH - 2012) and their three kids move into a troubled (as in supernatural) house in a troubled (as in supernatural) neighborhood before strange things happen, especially to their little 6 year-old girl Madison (Kennedi Clements; I guess using the name "Carol Anne" would have been an insult to the memory of dearly departed Heather O'Rourke), who talks to the closet in her bedroom (which causes hair to rise with static electricity when they touch the door handle, but they are unable to open it.) and puts her hands on a static-filled 60" HDTV (Is static even a thing with high definition?) before telling everyone in the family "They're here!" And then a few minutes later pre-teen son Griffin (Kyle Catlett) is attacked by a clown doll in his bedroom and is grabbed by a tree branch through his window. Then teenage daughter Kendra (Saxon Sharbino) begins to hear strange things on her iPhone and sees the ground outside their house turn to bubbling mud, while Madison follows a stuffed walking teddy bear (with a horn in the middle of its head!) into the closet and gets sucked into another dimension. All this happens within the first 35 minutes and it only made me want to watch the original all the more. I remember when Craig T. Nelson and JoBeth Williams smoked a joint in their bedroom in the original film and acted like parents you would want to have (Also missing is the JoBeth Williams scene of supernaturally traveling the bedroom walls and ceiling in her panties, as well as one of the parapsychologists tearing away at his face in the mirror. All we get is to see one of them almost get punctured with an electric drill.). Here, the usually excellent Sam Rockwell has zero chemistry with Rosemarie DeWitt and it hurts the film most of all. Yes, there are state of the art special effects in this film (as far as a PG-13 Rating will let them go), but when they hire a group of parapsychologists to clean the house, are unsuccessful and decide they need to turn to a TV parapsychologist named Carrigan Burke (Jared Harris; THE WARD - 2010; the best thing about this film), the ex-husband of parapsychologist Dr. Brooke Powell (Jane Adams; THE BRAVE ONE - 2007; in one of the few differences in the films) to cleanse the house and get Madison back, it just all seemed too familiar to hold the interest of anyone who grew up with the original. Also missing is the James Karen character subplot of the first film. This new version seems to be made for the "I want it now and I want it fast!" teenage crowd, who probably never saw the original. Director Gil Kenan (CITY OF EMBER - 2008) and screenwriter David Lindsay-Abaire (OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL - 2013) seemed to have taken the original premise (so much so that all the writers of the original film get screen story credit) and condensed it as much as they could to still make sense (there was an extended cut on disc which added 8 minutes to the theatrical cut's 93 minutes, but it doesn't amount to much). All it was to me was a waste of time. And it will be to all the fans of the original film. Sometimes a little humanity and humility go a long way in a film. This one has none. The fact that Sam Raimi was one of the Producers only makes it all the more shameful.
102) DA SWEET BLOOD OF JESUS (2014) - Spike Lee's lousy remake of GANJA & HESS (1973). To read my thoughts on this insipid crowdfunded remake of a 70's classic, click HERE.
103) GHOSTBUSTERS (2016) - Let me be a male chauvinist pig for a moment and say this all-female version of the 1984 classic sucks balls. Not only do the female cast (Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Kate McKinnon and the awful Leslie Jones) have about as much chemistry as oil and water, the story is a rip-off of the original film, but if it was written by a five year-old with autism. The comedy is well below Ms. McCarthy's standards and the film came and went in the boxoffice because even audience members knew a turd when they smelled it. And this one smells worse than that. Shame on director/co-screenwriter Paul Feig for letting this film be released in the state it was in (some of the effects looked unfinished and some scenes just end and another begins without any connective tissue). Filling the film with cameos by Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd and Annie Potts from the first film was pure desperation that didn't add up to much and I can imagine Harold Ramis turning over in his grave. And when Al Roker plays himself like he does in the SHARKNADO films, you know this is not going to be anything worth watching. Let me put it this way: This is supposed to be a comedy and I didn't laugh once. This film was released in July of 2016 and as of September 25, 2016 the film only made $127 million of its $140 million budget in the U.S. (and that's not counting promotion, TV commercials and film distribution costs), so it can't be considered a blockbuster (and there probably won't be a sequel like the 1989 film from the original film). The Blu-Ray offers 17 more minutes of insufferable footage to a film that seems like a lifetime to finish. I wouldn't wish this remake on my worst enemy.
104) POINT BREAK (2015) - This PG-13 remake of the R-Rated 1991 original has some great stunts, all done by experts in their field (skydiving, motocross, climbing cliffs without ropes, diving off cliffs with "flying suits" and parachutes, snowboarding and, of course, surfing) and shot all over the world, all done with a minimum of green screen or CGI (just like the original), but it is missing one thing that the original version had in spades: an emotional core. This new version deals with a group of eco-terrorists who rob banks and businesses and then hand the money they stole over to the poor (they skydive out of a plane and drop millions of dollars into a small Mexican town). They also have no problem killing anyone who gets in their way, so the FBI has Utah (Luke Bracey, the role created by Keanu Reeves in the original), who lost a friend in a motocross accident in (where eles?) Utah six years earlier when they were showing off in the mountains (probably the film's best scene), to infiltrate the gang, led by Bodhi (Édgar Ramírez, who is no Patrick Swayze). Almost the rest of the story has been retooled from the original, as Bodhi is an adrenaline junkie who has a plan of 8 stunts he and his team are to pull off after every robbery. Gone is the memorable extended footchase that Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze went through in the original (They have a short footchase in this film, but Utah ends up killing the only female member of the group, since they were all on motorcycles and wearing helmets (in a tribute to the original, the helmets had pictures of Presidents on them, since Swayze and his gang robbed banks while wearing rubber President masks in the original). The relationship between Utah and Bodhi in this version doesn't come close to Reeves and Swayze in the original, who became good friends even though Utah knew he was going to have arrest Bodhi soon (The new Utah doesn't have a bum knee like the original Utah, but there is a scene mirroring the original where Utah has a chance to shoot Bodhi, but decides against it and screams as he shoots an entire clip into the air. That is really the only other "tribute" to the original film, even if the ending is similar). Director Ericson Core has a good eye for showing the stunts to maximum effect (he was also the cinematographer; a lot of people were hurt performing these stunts), but there is no comparison when placed side-by-side with the original. The stunts may be more dangerous, but the story rings hollow. Ray Winstone plays the same guy Gary Busey does in the original, except he gets to live here (Busey's death was one of the things in the original that made Utah chase Bodhi for the next two years, but the remake just makes Utah chase Bodhi because it is his job.) While not a bad film per se, it is very inferior when compared to the original and bombed at the boxoffice both here and abroad, earning a measly $28 million in the U.S. on a $105 million budget. The film made approximately $133 million worldwide, but that is considered a major money loser. You can buy a DVD/Blu-Ray with both films on it, so you can compare for yourself. Some may find it a good film just for the stunts, but the story is very poor and disappointing. And quit remaking R-Rated films with inferior PG-13 remakes. While there is a lot of gunfire in this new version, there is no blood to be seen. They just fall down when shot. What's the point?
105) CABIN FEVER (2015) - OK, now will someone tell me who wanted practically a word for word remake (or as they rather call it, a "reboot") of director Eli Roth's 2002 horror flick CABIN FEVER? Well it seems like director Travis Zariwny (who uses the name "Travis Z" here) and screenwriter Randy Pearlstein (who used most of Eli Roth's script verbatim) filmed their own version of CABIN FEVER in 2015, with Eli Roth's blessing (he is one of this film's Executive Producers and puts in an uncredited cameo) and made this idiotic piece of deja vu, only with worse actors and some comedy that falls flatter than a ten year-old girl's chest. The only real difference between the two films is the opening of the new one, where a guy camping out in the woods returns with a dead rabbit and tells his dog that they now have dinner. He turns the dog over and it sprays him in the face with blood. The dog's name? PanCakes (a take off on a certain scene in the original). The rest of the film is basically an exact retread of the original, only with two differences: 1.) Instead of the partying cop Detective Winston (Giuseppe Andrews), this films does a gender reversal and Detective Winston is now a female partying cop, played by Louise Linton (who gets less screen time than Giuseppe) and 2.) instead of the group having a single-shot rifle, they now have a fully automatic rifle (Stupid gun laws. How does an older teenager get his hands on a full auto?). This film also ups the gore factor than the 2002 film, but the original was much better acted and we never knew what was going to happen (and it was gory enough), only here, 13 years later, we know EXACTLY what is going to happen. No surprises, nothing new. Oh, and it completely omits the old man in the backwoods store and his iconic line to the three black people who walk into his store at the finale (We have to be politically correct now and it pisses me off!). Instead, they substitute a scene that leaves this film wide open for a sequel that I hope never happens. It makes me wonder why this film was greenlit so soon after the original. It is Rated R, so anyone born in 2002 would still not be legally able to see it without a parent or guardian, Sometimes it boggles the mind that people would remake a film that already had two sequels and do it so soon (one sequel was made a year before this film!). Doesn't anyone have an original idea in their heads? If you feel you must see this film, remember one thing: It went the basic limited theater/VOD route in 2016 before being dumped on Home Video and Cable TV. If you haven't seen the original film, I would recommend that you watch that one instead because it was a quasi-hit back in 2002 and for a reason. It was somewhat original in its ideas and was acted so much better than this one. This new reboot is for masochists only. Especially if you have seen the original. This reminds me so much as when director Gus Van Sant tried to remake Alfred Hitchcock's PSYCHO (1960) word-for-word, scene-for-scene in 1998. Just like this film, it stank, it bombed and all because the directors and actors didn't have the talent to pull it off.
106) NIGHT OF THE WILD (2015) - Nature run amok films are one of my favorite sub-genres of horror films and director Eric Red usually makes good films (BODY PARTS - 1991; BAD MOON - 1996), but when NIGHT OF THE WILD (2015) involves The Asylum (The SHARKNADO films) and tries its hardest to mimic director Robert Clouse's THE PACK (1977), you have nowhere to go but down. This was originally made for SyFy, which should give you a good idea what you are in for. In Clouse's film, pet dogs turn feral and form packs when tourists visit a small vacation island and leave the dogs there to fend for themselves when they leave. In Red's film, a small town experiences a meteor shower and a mysterious green meteor hits near town, forcing all dogs (no other animals, just dogs) to turn into vicious, teeth-showing and drooling killing machines (a seeing-eye dog drags his blind master into the middle of the road, where he is hit by a car.). Town citizens, including Dave (Rob Morrow, a long way from TV's NUMB3RS - 2005-2010), Sara (Kelly Rutherford; SCREAM 3 - 2000) and a bunch of other residents try to outrun all the murderous dogs that use to be their pets (there is one small dog that seems to be unaffected), only to be picked-off one by one by the bloodthirsty dogs (a mixture of physical effects, real dogs and awful CGI). Their only choice is to make it to a plane at the small airport on the outskirts of town and only four people make it (Thank God; the plane couldn't fit more than four people and a tiny dog!) and take off just in the nick of time. They fly to another town hundreds of miles away and, as they get to the plane, discover that they are surrounded by drooling dogs ready to use them as chew toys. It looks like the entire world now has a severe vicious dog problem. THE END. All I can say is Eric Red (who has said he tried to shoot this film with the same color gel lighting as Dario Argento's SUSPIRIA - 1977!) must have needed the work because this film contains none of his regular suspenseful scenes (even the other THE PACK copy, 2006's THE BREED, was much more entertaining than this) and since this was made for TV (Rated TV-14), there is some blood and minimal gore, but not enough to make you take notice as much as you will notice The Asylum's crappy CGI. If you want to remake a film that offers thrills and bloody situations galore, do not make it for TV. A film like this needs to be made for theaters or DTV. Of course, The Asylum released this on DVD as being "Unrated" because DVDs do not usually use TV ratings (unless they are TV Series Season box sets). If you watch this film, you will find it hard to believe that Eric Red wrote the screenplays for THE HITCHER (1986), NEAR DARK (1987) and COHEN AND TATE (1988). Oh my non-bloody hell, what a stinker!
107) THE AWAKENING (1980) - No, this is not a New Millennium film, but I feel I have to say something about it. This film, based on the Bram Stoker 1903 Nove1 "THE JEWEL OF THE SEVEN STARS" was villified by critics and rightfully so. What critics failed to mention was that Hammer Film's THE BLOOD FROM THE MUMMY'S TOMB (1971) was filmed 9 years earlier and is based on the same novel. The only thing the 1980 film has in its favor is the beautiful photography of Egypt done by late master cinematographer Jack Cardiff (GHOST STORY - 1981). Charlton Heston as the obsessed archaeologist and the rest of the cast of this abomination reminds me somewhat of THE OMEN (1976; there's a scene where Susannah York falls out of a building and a shard of glass falls and impales her in the neck.), but without any coherent story and an ending that leaves you scratching your head. It just ends when the story should be beginning. Even the worst Hammer Films had to offer wasn't this bad. TCM showed both of these movies back-to-back on 09/17/17 and it was apparent what film was the clear winner.
108) FLATLINERS (2017) - This watered-down remake of director Joel Schuacher's 1990 original rightfully bombed at the boxoffice. While I really didn't care much for Schumacher's version, this 2017 remake will tax anyone's patience. The original film was Rated R and the new version is Rated PG-13, so most of the violence is missing and, although the story is the same basically the same, it makes a huge difference. A group of medical students, this time headed by the over-rated actress Ellen Page,  medically induce death in their fellow students so they can experience what is on "the other side", and then are revived a short time later. The longer they are "dead" the more vivid the experience is, so some of the students decide to be dead past the allotted time and they bring something back from their childhood. Why in the world would Kiefer Sutherland decide to put a cameo in this? Yes, he was in the original "Brat Pack" film, but he adds nothing to the proceedings (he doesn't even play the same character!). Director Niels Arden Oplev, who directed the original Swedish version of THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2009) doesn't seem to understand the material he was handed. Here, the story is so muddled, that it would make a saint look at his watch. Avoid at all costs!

ARE MUSLIMS FAIR GAME LIKE EVERY OTHER NATIONALITY?

Here's the cold hard truth and many Muslims won't like what I have to say. To kill anyone under the pretense that a film abused their religion and their diety is just cowardly and dastardly. The truth of the matter is that the notorious badfilm "INNOCENCE OF MUSLIMS" is just that: a bad film. To blame a bad film furiously enough to kill innocent U.S. citizens abroad is about as bad as it gets (And a big "good job" to YouTube for refusing to pull the 12 minute clip of the film, even though they were pressured by our own government; many of the politicians stupidly thinking that this film is to blame for what went on in the Middle East). It does not help your cause to portray Muslims as peace-loving people, then kill Americans and it does not sit well with the rest of of the non-Muslim world. If every film that portrayed Christianity in a bad light were to cause the same backlash, every member of Monty Python would be dead, as well as Martin Scorcese. Now Iran is boycotting the Academy Awards because of this really bad film (supposedly directed by Alan Roberts of PANORAMA BLUE [1974], YOUNG LADY CHATTERLY [1977] and KARATE COP [1991] fame, who says he was unaware that all the anti-Muslim dialogue was looped-in after he finished the film by Muslim-hating producer Sam Bacile [one of the many aliases of Coptic Christian Nakoula Basseley Nakoula, who is now under federal arrest for violating his parole agreement for putting the clip on YouTube, since part of his parole agreement was that he not use the Internet for five years. Egypt has now sentenced him to a death sentence in absentia. This is the kind of bullshit that goes on in the Middle East! Don't try and tell me it's a "cultural thing". It's stupidity in the name of religion at its worst.]) and all I have to say is this: Good! Any country that continually wants to destroy Israel and the Jews should not be allowed to participate in any free world business and that includes their nutjob leaders being allowed to come to New York and the United Nations and spread their anti-Israel bullshit in front of leaders of other countries (many who walk out as soon as they take the podium). Here's my suggestion: Move the United Nations to Iran or Syria and see how long it lasts there. America is truly the land of the free and that includes freedom to say what you want about religion (How else do we explain the continuing abuse by the late Fred Phelps' religious nut of a church [Westboro Baptist Church] against gays and protesting at American soldiers' funerals?) or anything else for that matter, but that does not include killing people because they disagree or make fun of your religion. Muslims think that killing Americans abroad is the answer for the release of a bad film (Or at least that is what we were first told. It turns out the killings at the American Embassy in Syria was a terrorist attack and had nothing to do with the film.). And this includes Muslims in America who are legal citizens. I'm sure there are plenty of good Muslims all over the world, but if you want the rest of the free world to change their mind, you have to speak-up against all this violence. So far, I have not heard a peep, not even when I asked my Muslim neighbors about it (They would rather not talk about it. Saying nothing is the same as saying that you approve of the killings, in my opinion). Mark my words, we will be going to war against Iran within five years and when we do, we should kick-out every Muslim in this country. I know my stance sounds too unrealistic (and some may say racial, but so be it), but film is just that: Film. There is no justification in the world to kill Americans (or any other nationality), burn the American flag, issue death sentences and storm U.S. Embassys abroad because of a movie. I don't care if you think your religion allows it. Your religion is wrong. I'm glad I'm an Athiest. I'm not offended by anything except people who think their religion is the answer and try to force it down other people's throats, going as far as killing innocent people to prove it. This is not about understanding someone else's faith; it's about knowing that killing a human being over a film that portrays the Prophet Mohammed in a bad light is just plain wrong. Innocence Of Muslims indeed. We are now living in perilous times, when forces we train in Afghanistan to act as the new militia turn against us and kill the American soldiers who trained them, so lets pull all our soldiers out of the Middle East and let them fight amongst themselves. But as soon as they target Israel, we should hit these countries with every weapon we have. Every country has a right to exist, but there is no reason they have to put up with Muslim bullshit. And to all those who think I am Jewish because my name is Fred Adelman, all I can say is that you are wrong. I am of German/Irish ancestry without a drop of Jewish blood in my body, so my views about Muslims have nothing to do with being a Jew. It's about being a proper human being with a conscience. ADDENDUM: I just saw the pictures of the Palestine rebels in Gaza dragging a supposed "Israeli spy" on their motorcycles after they killed him and three others without even a trial. How are we supposed to deal with these people when they have no value on human life? They are lower than any animal, insect or reptile on this planet. They hide behind their own citizens after shelling Israel with rockets and then complain that Israel killed innocent civilians when they retaliate. They are nothing but spineless cowards. UPDATE: A U.S. judge says that YouTube does not have to pull the 12 minute video clip from their site, citing freedom of information, squashing a claim by one of the film's actresses that her lines were looped without her knowledge and therefore the clip must be removed. Meanwhile, the U.N. practically kisses the Palestines' asses by making them an "almost" state (they have no U.N. power, yet), but take my word for it, the only country that will suffer because of it is Israel. Shame, shame on the United Nations. Their horns are showing. It seems there are spineless cowards everywhere. Palestines never existed until the country of Israel was formed, so they aren't even a real nation of people. All they are really are a bunch of Jewish-hating people who would rather see Israel blown off the map than to let them exist. Yet Israel lets Palestines work and walk amongst them. That is the sign of a true sovereign nation. If the U.N. allows Palestines to form their own country, it will only be another place that will cause trouble for Israel. Now, I'm not saying every Palestine person is like that (the years have softened some of them to "live and let live"), but the true mission of Palestine the nation is to kill Israel and blow it off the map. UPDATE #2: February 28. 2014: A higher court has made YouTube remove the video because of a lawsuit brought on by the actress in the short that said she never knew the film was going to be anti-Muslim. So let me get this straight: Muslims can use their own versions of YouTube to show the beheadings of American soldiers, journalists and other people they deem against their religion, but the lame-ass U.S. judicial system demands that YouTube pull the video from its roster because some actress of no note says she was duped. YouTube is fighting the court's decision and this will not be the end of the story. One gets the feeling that the actress (Cindy Lee Garcia) doesn't want to be the star of one of the radical Muslims beheading videos. Or she wants money for her "pain and suffering". She doesn't know what suffering is. If she could, she should ask all the beheaded people the suffering they went through before their heads were seperated from their bodies by these Muslim infidels. Fuck her and fuck the judicial system for letting this happen. I hope YouTube comes out the winner here. More as the story develops.

I ENJOYED JOHN CARTER (OF MARS)

I just watched JOHN CARTER (OF MARS) (2012) and I enjoyed it immensely. Boy, was this film marketed wrong for theaters. I put the (OF MARS) part of the title in parenthesis because that's the name they gave the film at the beginning of the closing credits (Early advance posters used the "Mars" title or simply used a "JCM" logo, which probably confused people even more). At the beginning of the film, it is simply known as JOHN CARTER. I don't know why Disney released the film with this moniker, because the teen audience it was made for (it's rated PG-13) would have no idea that this film was based on an Edgar Rice Burroughs story called "A Princess Of Mars" and wouldn't know who the hell John Carter was. If they added the Mars part to the opening title of the film (and the advertising materials), I believe the film would not have been much of the flop that it turned out to be in theaters (it lost tens of millions of dollars) because there is a real interest in Mars right now, with the successful landing of the latest Mars rover. Taylor Kitsch (who reminds me of a young Timothy Olyphant) is good as John Carter and the CGI effects are better than you find in most films (I think even better than AVATAR - 2009). I especially liked the Martian "dog" who followed John Carter around (Jesus, that dog could move fast!) and the flying machines that looked like giant dragon flies. Since this takes place in the late 19th Century, it gives the story a little more punch than if it were set during modern times. Don't blame director/co-screenwriter Andrew Stanton (of Pixar fame; this is his first live-action feature) for the film's failure because if Disney hired a good public relations team, they would have had a winner on their hands rather than a financial disaster (Rumor has it that Disney insisted that the word "Mars" be removed from the title because of thier under-performing animated feature MARS NEEDS MOMS in 2011 or that Stanton wanted the word removed because most films with "Mars" in the title never fared very well and he wanted to reach a "broader" audience. While Stanton's claim may be true about the Mars thing, I can't see the title "John Carter" reaching a broader audience.). Catch it on DVD or cable (it is now playing on the Starz Networks) when you can because I have seen a lot worse science fiction/fantasy films make more money at the box office. This film deserves more attention. Of course, The Asylum made their own ultra-cheap version of this film, using Burroughs' almost original title PRINCESS OF MARS (2012; they probably left out the word "A" to keep Burroughs' estate from suing them), set it during modern times, used their usual dime-store CGI effects and had Antonio Sabato Jr. and Traci Lords star in it! UPDATE: I just watched Taylor Kitsch in his other big-budget disaster BATTLESHIP (2012) and, again, I must say I enjoyed the film. Sure, it was full of plot holes (Aliens want to take over Earth, but are compromised by sunlight?), based on a Hasbro board game (which really doesn't have a plot) and was overlong at 131 minutes (But what blockbuster isn't?), but it was still a fairly exciting sci-fi/action film and director Peter Berg (THE RUNDOWN - 2003) managed to keep things interesting for the full running time. I particularly enjoyed the little remarks by the cast that related to the board game and the alien designs were quite interesting (humanoid in form with porcupine-like spikes for goatees), as were the alien weapons, especially the circular balls that buzz-sawed through everything. Ah, I must be getting easy to please in my old age.

10 THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME

1) I threw up once in a movie theater. I was out on a date and we went to see director Brian De Palma's CARRIE in 1976. The only seats we could get were in the front row (my date was high-maintenance and we were late getting to the theater). When the sequence came on during the prom where the camera was swirling around in a circle when Sissy Spacek and William Katt were dancing (for what seemed like hours), I really got sick to my stomach and excused myself to go to the bathroom. I puked my guts out and when I returned to my seat, my date was gone! I never saw her again. The only other time I came close to throwing up was during THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999). All the "shakey-cam" photography made me nauseous, but I was able to keep the popcorn and Coke in my stomach, but I went home with a huge headache. The same thing nearly happened to me when I was watching CLOVERFIELD (2007). This is why I hate "found footage" films, although I did find CHRONICLE (2012) and FRANKENSTEIN'S ARMY (2013) entertaining because all the shakey camerawork was kept to a minimum. My advice is to sit as far away from the screen when watching these type of films. Believe me, it does make a difference.
2) There is a reason this web site and the previous zine it was based on is called "Critical Condition". It's not just a play on words, but because I was declared legally dead three times (not including that stupid FaceBook thing). The first time was when I was riding a dirt bike down a previously unknown trail when I was a teen and I rode it over a cliff, with the motorcycle landing on me. Luckily, the guys I were with went and got the police (this was way before cellphones), who then got the ambulance. I woke up three days later to find out that I was declared legally dead by the paramedics, but they eventually got my heart started after about four minutes. I did manage to break my back and was in a full body cast for six months. The second time I fell 30 feet out of a tree and landed on concrete when I tried to retrieve someone's kite. Again, I was declared legally dead, but the paramedics were able to get my heart started. I went to the hospital and got x-rays and had no broken bones. I was released the same day. The third time I can't mention because it is still classified, but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Maybe someday I will be able to tell the story (and I don't care if William Wilson believes me or not).
3) I have written three books, but none of them have been published. The first book, entitled "Voices In The Water" is an autobiographical tale of all the supernatural stuff that has happened to me during my life. It was supposed to be published by a major book company, but they dropped it when the recession hit a few years ago. I still have hope it will be published some day. I told some of the stories on a film forum (which shall remain nameless, because I was banned from there twice!), including my meeting with Mothman (it's also in the first "Weird New Jersey" book) and "The Case Of The Ghostly Quarter" and got some good feedback, so you never know. My second book was about spending my time at local "grindhouses" during my teens and early twenties and it is titled "It's Called A Movie Theater" and is more about my adventures at these theaters than the film themselves. I wrote this book more for me than anyone else, just in case I start to forget things later in my old age and have not submitted it to anyone. The third book, "Count Your Blessings", is a fictional novel about religion and what it does to a group of friends over a period of ten years. There's some autobiographical stuff in there (the Athiest in the book is based partly on me and a devout Catholic girl who has an affair with a married man is based on someone I know) and I'm proud about the way it turned out. Believe me, if this book ever saw the light of day in bookstores, it would be picketed by every religious group known to man. That would be fine with me. Addendum: I finally finished my fourth book "There's Only Room 4-1", which I have been working on for 20 years and finally came up with what I think is the perfect ending (Believe it or not, it came to me in a dream). I can guarantee this novel will not be making fans of people of the religious persuasion, but the people I have loaned drafts to said they couldn't put it down. Now if I only could find a publisher, because self-publishing books (not magazines) leads nowhere and I don't want to be one of those crazy people on FaceBook who reply to every message with, "Buy my ebook!". I have good feelings about this one and it would make a perfectly strange movie that I can guarantee no one has never witnessed before.
4) I was once bitten by a spider while sleeping. It was just an ordinary house spider, but I must have swatted and killed it in my sleep. It bit me on the opposite side of my right elbow and within two days it got so bad (the bump was the size of a grapefruit!) that I had to be taken to the hospital (I couldn't bend my arm). They drained the wound and I was back to normal within a day, but I still have a fear of small spiders (Surprisingly, I have no problem handling large spiders like tarantulas or even black widows). I was told that no matter where you are, even if you are on an airplane, you are no farther than three feet from a spider. That just makes my skin crawl.
5) I hate holidays and the greed and avarice it brings out in people. I especially feel sorry for people who work in retail stores and have to work during Thanksgiving and Christmas. I remember when there was no "Black Friday" or "Cyber Monday". People just did their shopping and that was it. Now, entire families go without their Thanksgiving and Christmas turkeys or ham to wait hours (or days!) on long lines for deals that seem too good to be true (and every year these stores open earlier and earlier). The only thing these "deals" are doing is breaking down the family dynamic. Is it no wonder that kids today feel entitled to everything? If retail stores were smart, they would offer these same deals starting in June or July and make more money and stop complaining about poor sales during the Summer. Christ, I can't get one kid to come to my apartment door during Halloween because their parents are worried that everyone they don't know are pedophiles. These are the same kids that are going to run our country one day. When I was a kid, me and my friends would spend hours on our own collecting candy from strangers. That's not to say my parents wouldn't inspect my haul when I came home and throw away stuff that was suspect (especially apples), but at least we were outside as a group having fun. Kids today spend too much time in front of the TV playing video games believing playing their Nintendo Wii or X-Box 360 will make them fit. Fit for what? Not running this country, that's for sure. From the middle of November to the end of the year, I do all my shopping (including food) on the internet because I don't want to have to deal with kids saying "I hate you!" to their parents because they won't buy them something. If I ever said that to my mother or father when I was a kid, I wouldn't be able to sit down for a week.
6) PHANTASM (1979) is my favorite movie of all time and I must have watched it over 200 times. I can still remember the first time I saw this film at the Fabian Theater in Paterson, N.J. and the crowd going wild during some of the scenes. I'm not a religious person, but I understand how they feel when "God" talks to them. This film is as close to a religious experience that I have ever felt. Everything just seemed to work for me. Yeah, I know the film is nothing but an amalgam of earlier horror films, but "The Tall Man" and the flying silver spheres were some of the most frightening things I had seen at the time. I do enjoy the sequels, but there's nothing to compare to the original.
7) There's nothing more that I hate than directors fucking around with their films long after they have played theaters. George Lucas added more "modern" special effects to the first three STAR WARS films (and changed some dialogue so they would jive with his next three chapters) and Steven Spielberg digitally erased guns from some government agents' hands and replaced them with walkie talkies in E.T. - THE EXTRA TERRESTRIAL (1982). THE EXORCIST (1973) has gone through so many different versions, that the original theatrical version is nearly impossible to find. Even beloved books aren't exempt from such tampering, like "Huckleberry Finn" by Mark Twain, where new editions of the novel replace the character of "Nigger Jim" with just "Jim". Revisionist History seems to be the newest fad, so our kids will now grow up not knowing what is real and what is altered. What does this actually accomplish? Will somebody please tell me?
8) I have two cats, Allie (the female) and Gator (the male) and I love them more than most of the people I know. I call them my "kids" because that's exactly what they are, my children. The funny thing is, when I was growing up, I couldn't stand cats. I always had a dog. But since I moved from a house to an apartment in the mid-80's and dogs are not allowed, I went to a shelter to get a cat during the early 90's to give to my ex-wife as a Christmas present (she was pestering me for nearly a year to get a cat, but I didn't want one). My wife soon became extremely ill and spent several months in the hospital, which meant every time I came home after visiting my wife, I had to feed the cat. The cat, a male we called Scooter (after Phil Rizzuto of the N.Y. Yankees), would spend the whole night by my side, eventually laying on my lap every chance he got. We really connected and I needed that, even though I'm sure he knew I wasn't too keen on cats. Scooter changed my mind (he passed away of feline leukemia in 1997 and I was sad for months and still think about him all these years later) and when my wife finally came home, she discovered that Scooter was no longer hers, so I went out and picked up another rescue cat for her, a male we called Bailey. That cat also passed away late in the 90's. Now that I live alone with my two cats, I couldn't be happier because they both give me nothing but unconditional love, something a human is incapable of doing (I nearly lost Gator to diabetes, but I give him a shot of insulin every morning and now he is fine). The trick is to get a rescue cat when they are kittens so you can condition them to act the way you want them to. You also have to show them affection and attention so they don't become too independent and ignore you. Both of my cats (who are "indoor" felines because you don't want them getting hurt outside, especially where I live) love to play "fetch" with their toy mice (I throw the mouse, they run and get it and drop it at my feet) and they spend most of their other time sleeping on my lap or on the bed next to me. Happiness truly is a warm pussy.
9) I really don't have any enemies, but I firmly believe that William Wilson is a horse's ass. I don't know what his agenda is or what he has against me, but he continually keeps making veiled comments about me on a certain forum I use to belong to (and it all pertains to my Facebook account being hacked, which really had nothing to do with him). Why don't you take a look at yourself in the mirror William or do you think you are perfect and can randomly judge people without a shred of proof? What exactly is your problem with me? Or do you think that there is no room for competition? I hope you don't get sick and have people call you a fraud. I don't work that way, but it's apparent you do. To see how ridiculous Wilson can get, check out his letter to Alternative Cinema Magazine in Issue #2 Summer 1994 HERE and J.R. Bookwalter's response.
10) I hate weathermen/women. Predicting the weather is like a sportscaster telling you the score of a game before it is even played. If a weatherman/woman is right 15% of the time, I consider that a decent percentage. Now, to cover their tracks, most TV weathermen/women give the viewer alternate scenarios on what tomorrow's weather could be like, depending on where two or more systems will meet. I quit depending on them a long time ago. They are about as useless as tits on a rock.

R.I.P. ANDY COPP

Since I just rejoined Facebook and have been out of the loop for a while, my friend Mario Dominick has informed me that filmmaker Andy Copp has passed away and he took his own life on January 19, 2013. Andy and I never met in person, but we traded many films and talked for hours on the Internet. I know he didn't have the very best upbringing and continuing heart problems and the loss of his mother a couple of years ago really took a toll on him. He always had suicidal thoughts ever since I have known him (we always talked about my second wife's father's suicide and another at my place of work and the feelings I had for both of them), but when he was behind a camera, it was cathartic for him. His trouble getting funding for his last film could have been a trigger for his suicide (I can only speculate), but when you take your own life, it hurts everyone who has known and loved him, including myself. I only wish Andy could have been recognised as the major talent he really was and my thoughts go out to everyone who knew and loved him. R.I.P. Andy. I can only hope you are happy where you are. You deserved happiness. The terrible horror film, BABYSITTER MASSACRE (2013), is dedicated in loving memory to him. I consider that an insult to Andy's work ethic and personality.

DOES CABLE TV HAVE THE BEST SCRIPTED SHOWS?

Why is it that pay cable has the best TV shows on air right now? Sure, they are allowed to show full frontal nudity, extreme violence and as much foul language as they please, but even without those accoutrements, these shows are vastly superior to any series on regular TV right now. HBO started the trend many years ago (Remember 1ST & TEN [1985 - 1991, with O.J. Simpson & Christopher Meloni!] and DREAM ON [1990 - 1996]?), but they really got their due notice with OZ (also with Christopher Meloni) and THE SOPRANOS and then the bat-shit crazy horror series TRUE BLOOD (which Christopher Meloni also guest-starred on for four episodes in 2012, after leaving LAW & ORDER: SVU, before meeting a bloody end. STOP THE PRESSES! On September 3, 2013, HBO announced that the seventh season of TRUE BLOOD, to debut June 22, 2014, will be the last!), the fantastic 1920's-set crime drama BOARDWALK EMPIRE (the 2014 5th Season will be it's last [R.I.P. Nucky Thompson]), the political (and well-written) series THE NEWSROOM (Jeff Daniels won the 2013 Emmy Award™ for Best Actor in a Drama Series and will have its final six-episode Third Season starting November 9, 2014), the new 2014 series THE LEFTOVERS (where 2% of the world's population disappears overnight in a Rapture-like scenario; it was renewed for a second season and the 2016 third season will be the last) and the cult series GAME OF THRONES (which has now been extended through the 2017 season!). Starz had the highly watchable SPARTACUS series (which ended April 12, 2013 in spectacular fashion), and now has DAVINCI'S DEMONS (Starz announced on July 23, 2015 that the third season would be its last) and the new BLACK SAILS (renewed for a second season. UPDATE: July 19, 2016: Starz renewed it for a fourth and final season in 2017.),  OUTLANDER  (renewed for a second season) and Executive Procucer/star Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson's POWER (Renewed for a second season & third season; meanwhile Curtis Jackson announced that he is poor and his "lavish lifestyle" is nothing but a ruse! UPDATE: July 19, 2016: The series was moved to Sundays and viewership grew greatly, so Starz renewed the show for a fourth and fifth season.). Showtime had DEXTER (which ended its run on September 22, 2013 with a wimper rather than a bang), the award-winning HOMELAND (showing its age in its third season, but picking up in the home stretch and renewed for a Season 4 starting October 5, 2014; on November 10, 2014 Showtime announce it would be picked up for a 5th season), the extremely graphic horror series PENNY DREADFUL (see my review in the 2013 - 2014 TV Season section of this page, which has been renewed until 2017, but pulled a surprise series finale at the end of its third season in 2016) and the new 2014 murder mystery/wife cheating series THE AFFAIR (which has been picked up for a second season and has been nominated for a few Emmy Awards™ for its first season). Even non-commercial-free cable TV like AMC have quality dramas like AMERICAN HORROR STORY (a different story arc every season); the 80's Cold War-set THE AMERICANS (both still thriving), the great Elmore Leonard-based crime drama JUSTIFIED (Now sadly in it's final season.) and SONS OF ANARCHY (now officially over after an appropriate send-off to all the major cast members). And now Cinemax (a channel that is known for its softcore porn series, giving them the nickname "Skinemax", which after years of showing softcore porn has decided to change track and turn dramatic, has started doing dramatic/action series, starting with STRIKE BACK in 2011, which will have its fourth and final season in 2015) and has the crime thriller BANSHEE (which closed its first season on March 15, 2013, but will be back on Friday January 10, 2014 at 10:00pm for its second season), which is like having a crack addiction. I just can't get enough of this show and was sadder than hell when the ten-episode first season ended. The show is complex and hard to explain, but I'll try. When ex-con and master thief Lucas Hood (Anthony Starr) is released from prison, a series of circumstances happen where he becomes the sheriff of a small Amish town in Pennsylvania called Banshee, which is not as quiet as it appears. Lucas' former girlfriend Anastasia (Ivana Milicevic) is living there under an assumed name and she is married with two kids. The town is under the thumb of former Amish-turned-crimelord Kai Proctor (Ulrich Thomsen), who not only uses ultra-violence to get his way (he knocks the teeth out of one citizen for calling his Amish father an ethnic slur and then makes the guy put the teeth back in his mouth!), he also hopes to gain control over a Native American casino in the area. Lucas continues his thieving ways with the help of transexual computer expert Job (Hoon Lee; my favorite character in the series) and old partner Sugar Bates (the always welcome Frankie Faison), who now runs a bar, all while he acts as a proper sheriff. There's also Anastasia's Russian mobster father Mr. Rabbit (a white-haired Ben Cross, who is excellent), who has been looking for his daughter for years and wants to meet his grandson while making his daughter and Lucas pay for their past sins. Most of the characters are bad people who do despicable things (the way Job deals with a trio of rednecks in a diner is a thing of beauty), but you'll fall in love with them anyway. Every episode of this series is mesmerizing (and the final episode of the season packs enough action for a dozen films) and can be watched separately without catching the episodes before it (but it sure helps if you do) and each episode ends with a stinger at the end of the closing credits, so make sure you stay until the very end. To say any more about the show would be to deprive you of my favorite TV series of the 2012 - 2013 season. Either watch the repeats on Cinemax or get the DVD/Blu-Ray when it is released. NOTE: I'm glad to report that the Second Season started off in spectacular fashion. I will give no details for those yet to see it other than to say that it's even more violent this time (Check out the Bible beatdown in Episode 2 or the decapitation by jacknifing truck in Episode 4!). To see more about the characters in the show, go to welcometobanshee.com and see their origins before they all came to Banshee. Some of the webisodes are simply amazing! (NOTE #2: It has officially been renewed for Season 3, which has turned out to be their most violent season yet, and that is saying a lot!. NOTE #3: The fourth season will sadly be the last and will premiere on April 1, 2016 [and, no, this is not an April Fool's joke]. My heart just sunk, but it was one hell of a final season.). Cinemax also debuted their new show THE KNICK, starring Clive Owen, in August 2014. Based on what I have seen, it will be an interesting show to watch (Oh my God, Doctor Thackery [Clive Owen], died at the end of Season 2 [He kept it secret that he only wanted to do two seasons]). Cinemax did order a third season, though, but wants to look at a "Premiere script" and season story plan before they continue. It's not like there's a shortage of people to take Owens' place on the show. Showtime's new series, RAY DONOVAN, starring the excellent Liev Schreiber as the title character, a Hollywood "fixer", is also great television. It also gives Jon Voight the best character of his lifetime as Ray's nemesis and ex-con father, just out of the joint (The advice he gives his grandson in episode 2 will shock you). The first episode, titled "The Bat Or The Bag", would make The Hulk cringe in terror (You'll have to see it to get the reference). Voight is absolutely mesmerizing and menacing. Believe me when I say that you would never want to be one of his enemies, but Ray knows how to get things done, both by using the law and bending it until it almost breaks into a million pieces. This is absorbing TV about a fractured family, including Ray's brothers Terry (Eddie Marsan; HANCOCK - 2008) and Bunchy (Dash Mihok; PUNISHER: WAR ZONE - 2008), as well as Ray's wife and kids, but it could never ever be shown on network television (It has already been renewed for a second season, to be shown starting July 13, 2014, a third season to start in 2015 and a fourth season starting in 2016 and on August 12, 2016, renewed for a fifth season in 2017.). The show just keeps getting better and better, with Liev Schreiber nominated for an Emmy Award® in 2015 & 2016 for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series and John Voight for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series in 2014 & 2016. The only new network TV series for the 2012 - 2013 season that appeal to me are ELEMENTARY, the modern-day Sherlock Holmes procedural with a great cast and undeniable chemistry (not of the romantic kind) between a recovering heroin-addicted Holmes (a great Jonny Lee Miller; DRACULA 2000 - 1999; the failed, but poignant TV dramedy ELI STONE - 2008) and his sober companion-turned-crime-solving partner Watson (Lucy Liu; RISE: BLOOD HUNTER - 2006). Holmes' new sober companion, Alfredo (Ato Essandoh; COPPER - 2012-2013), is a perfect fit for him, challenging Holmes at every turn (Alfredo was a car thief and security alarm specialist) and understands Holmes more than Holmes does himself. John Noble portrayed Sherlock Holme's rich, but complex and maybe criminal, father during the 2015 - 2016 Season.; VEGAS, a 60's-based crime drama starring Dennis Quaid as a rancher/sheriff and Michael Chiklis as the mob owner of a casino. I don't want to get too excited about this show because it looks like there will be no Season 2, since it was moved to Friday (It's official. It has not been renewed, along with CSI: NY, which had the same time period on Fridays [BLUE BLOODS, which proceeded both programs, will return for a fourth season]. CBS even skipped airing a couple of episodes, because Michael Ironside appeared as the main bad guy with absolutely no introduction to his character. I guess we'll have to wait for the eventual DVD/Blu-Ray release to see those skipped episodes.), which is a shame because it's a classy show with a unique look and a great cast (The New York Post, which seems more interested in putting down President Obama for every little thing he does, listed this show as one of the "25 Worst TV Series of the 2012 - 2013 Season", which actually means it was one of the 25 best.). I think it is a much better show than the mind-numbing, boring, yet somehow award-winning MAD MEN (2007 - 2015), airing its final season starting in August 2013 (Which now will ridiculously be split into two 7-episode seasons, milking the last 7 episodes in 2015!), which also took place in the 60's; THE FOLLOWING, a preposterous, yet highly watchable, thriller about escaped serial killer Joe Carroll (James Purefoy) and his unusually large quantity of followers (some of who are in law enforcement), who is chased down by former FBI agent Ryan Hardy (Kevin Bacon), who captured Carroll before but had a heart transplant afterwards that now limits his capabilities (It concluded its first season in a tense cliffhanger fashion, with a two major characters dying [maybe] and Ryan and Carroll's ex-wife being stabbed by someone we haven't seen before. It will be a Fox midseason replacement show for its second season on January 19, 2014; It has already been renewed for a Season Three in 2015; The Second Season seems to play more like an unintentional comedy with unbelievable plot twists and turns than being a straight thriller. Let me put it this way: It is more preposterous than Season One. FOX canceled the series after three seasons on May 8, 2015.); and HANNIBAL (Which NBC announced is going to be renewed for a limited run 13 eposode Season 2, to be shown February 28,  2014, with ex-BOARDWALK EMPIRE star Michael Pitt as a semi-regular), a prequel to MANHUNTER (1986) and its remake RED DRAGON (2002), where troubled Special Agent Will Graham (Hugh Dancy) and FBI agent Jack Crawford (Laurence Fishburne), whose wife has terminal Stage 4 lung cancer that she was hiding from him, use psychiatrist Dr. Hannibal Lecter (Mads Mikkelsen, in an Emmy-worthy performance) to help them solve crimes and to get a shell-shocked Graham back into humanity (Eleven episodes in and it's still not working). Since we all know the history between Graham and Lecter, it will be interesting to see how long it will take Graham to realize he is working in cahoots with a serial killer cannibal known as the "Chesapeake Ripper". Besides, it's nice to see THE X-FILES' Gillian Anderson back on American TV as Lecter's psychiatrist (She's also now a regular player in the 2013 - 2014 midseason replacement series CRISIS, which was canceled). The series is bloody as hell for a network show (I loved how guest star Eddie Izzard gave one of his enemies a "Colombian Necktie"! The episode before it featured a death known as a "Glasgow Smile". Google them if you don't know what they are.) and has an atmosphere not usually found during network prime time (A big "Boo!!!" to the show for refusing to televise Episode 4 of the series out of "respect" for the Boston Marathon bombing [It's not even about a bombing. It's about children being brainwashed into killing other children.]. They plan on never showing it on TV, but it will be on the DVD/Blu-Ray of Season 1 when it is released [They released "webisodes" of it on the Internet, but completely edited out the plot and Molly Shannon's appearance as the villain]. I think we, as a whole, are mature enough to understand fact from fiction, but NBC and the makers of the show think otherwise. This coming from a series about a person who eats people! Apparently, the episode is only being pulled in the United States. Those living outside the country will still be able to watch the episode.). Otherwise, the regular TV network series are the same old, same old. UPDATE: Episode 4 of HANNIBAL, which still cannot be seen on U.S. TV, is now available for download on iTunes. Thanks to Michael Prymula for this information. This is the reason why I don't get involved in network shows. Fifty percent of the network shows I like will not survive to see a second season. The ratings they got would be manna from Heaven for non-network shows, but they just don't satisfy the advertisers who pay for commercials on network prime time, especially the coveted 18 to 49 age bracket. Older viewers like myself aren't even in the equation when it comes to networks. As a matter of fact, some non-network shows do better in the ratings during prime time than some network shows, which means that the word "network" will probably disappear in about ten years. Hopefully. At least cable TV series don't rely on huge numbers to renew shows. Four million viewers is considered large on cable, but would be certain death on networks. NOTE: Season 2 is getting dismal numbers, but I believe that is because NBC has it on Fridays at 10:00pm opposite BLUE BLOODS. Since HANNIBAL is the most adult show on Network TV and the makers of the show have it mapped out to be a three season series, maybe some enterprising non-network cable station can pick up the series for the final season and make it even more graphic (NBC announced in May 2014 that it would be renewed for a third season). UPDATE #2: The new Summer 2013 CBS network series UNDER THE DOME (which has been renewed for a second season 13-episode Summer series starting on June 30, 2014, so don't expect any major resolutions this season. It was then cancelled in 2015 after three seasons.) caught my interest in the first couple of episodes, but like all things Stephen King, I expect it to become more soap opera than fantasy/sci-fi. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it is not the case this time (The final episode of Season 1 ended in typical cliffhanger style). Time will tell, but it opened with huge numbers (nearly 13 million viewers) and had some disturbing gory scenes for a network series (especially the cow cut in half when the dome appeared). It's nice to see that network TV is finally accepting that opening new shows during the Summer is just as important as introducing them in the Fall, since cable TV has been doing it for years and stealing away network watchers in droves, including such scripted series as TNT's MAJOR CRIMES (renewed for 2016 & 2017), RIZZOLI & ISLES (announced on July 23, 2015 that it would be renewed for a seventh season in 2016, which will be its last), PERCEPTION (canceled after three seasons; it will play the second half of its final five episodes of the third season in February 2015 and then be done), FRANKLIN & BASH (cancelled after four seasons), FALLING SKIES (renewed for Season 5 in 2015, which will be its last), new series KING & MAXWELL (cancelled after one season), the new 2014 series THE LAST SHIP (unusual end-of-the-world disease scenario with lots of surprises; renewed for a second season; July 31, 2016: The series was renewed for a Fourth Season.), MURDER IN THE FIRST (which ended its first season in a really satisfying way and was renewed for a second season, which started off with a legitimate bang, a slaughter in a bus by automatic weapons; On November 10, 2015 it was renewed for a third season), LEGENDS and TRANSPORTER: THE SERIES (a French series based on the movie trilogy that was originally scheduled to air on Cinemax in 2012, but they passed and now TNT has two seasons in the can to air in 2014 - 2015 and it was renewed for a third season), Sundance Channel's RECTIFY (cancelled in 2016 after 4 seasons), SyFy's DOMINION (based on characters from the 2010 film LEGION; SyFy announced on September 25, 2014 that the series would return for a second season. It was then cancelled after two seasons.), BBC America's COPPER (cancelled after two seasons), ORPHAN BLACK (on May 17, 2015 it was renewed for a fourth season) and the late 2014 Summer series INTRUDERS (cancelled after one season), FX's new show THE BRIDGE (renewed for a Season 2; there will be no Season 3 because it has been cancelled), TYRANT (new for 2014; renewed for a 13-episode second season and renewed for a Season 3 on October 7, 2015), PARTNERS (new for 2014; starring Kelsey Grammer and Martin Lawrence; poor ratings are dooming this to only one season) and THE STRAIN (also new for 2014; the outdoor ads led to people complaints to have them removed, which FX did. To see the ad, click on the link. NOTE: Renewed for a Season 2. and announced in October 2015 that it was renewed for a Season 3), ABC Family's MYSTERY GIRLS (new for 2014, but ratings are so poor that one episode was only watched by 90,210 viewers, so don't look for a second season), A&E's THE GLADES (now cancelled) and LONGMIRE (a real guilty pleasure, with so many great actors; NOTE: On August 29, 2014 it was announced that this show was cancelled after three seasons. I hope it finds a different home! Why do all the shows I like get the axe? NOTE #2: Netflix has picked up the series for a 10 episode streaming Season 4 sometime in 2015. Yeah!!! It looks now that I have to subscribe to Netflix. And, yes, this show is that good. On October 29, 2015, Netflix announced it was renewed for a fifth season.), AMC's THE KILLING (Which was cancelled, again. Right now there will be no Season 4. NOTE: The show was just renewed again [after being cancelled twice!] for a six-episode binge-watching fourth season in 2014, but only on NetFlix!), the intense BREAKING BAD (now in its final season, which had one of the best finales of the Millennium, besides the 2005 HBO series ender of SIX FEET UNDER) and HELL ON WHEELS (which, for some miraculous reason, has been renewed for a fourth season, but it was announced on November 7, 2014 that the fifth season would be its last), Robert Rodriguez's new El Rey Network has MATADOR (new for 2014; renewed for a second season, even though actress Elizabeth Pena has died and was a major character on the series), Lifetime's futuristic THE LOTTERY (new for 2014 and cancelled after one season) and USA Network's popular series WHITE COLLAR (set for it's final season starting Thursday, November 6, 2014), ROYAL PAINS (renewed, but the 2016 season will be its last), COVERT AFFAIRS (on January 7, 2015, USA announced that the fifth season [which had already aired] would be the last, leaving all plot holes up in the air!), SUITS (renewed for a Season 6 on July 1, 2015), NECESSARY ROUGHNESS (now cancelled), PSYCH (with a much-hyped two-hour musical episode to be shown in December 2013 and the 2014 season will be its last, to end on March 26, 2014), the new series GRACELAND (renewed for a Season 2; on November 11, 2014 it was renewed for a third season. NOTE: On October 1, 2015, USA announced the series was cancelled after 3 seasons.), new 2014 series RUSH (He makes HOUSE M.D. look like a Disney School doctor and the series is getting better as it progresses; NOTE: On October 2, 2014, USA Network announced the series was cancelled, which I think is a big mistake, but star Tom Ellis went on to star in FOX's addicting LUCIFER in the beginning of 2016 and is awaiting a second season to begin in September 2016. See my review in my appraisal of the 2015 -2016 TV Season.) and SATISFACTION (USA's first comedy/drama not to deal with cops, doctors or lawyers, starring Matt Passmore, late of the canceled TV series THE GLADES and it is becoming a real guilty pleasure; it has been renewed for a 10-episode second season. The second season is turning out to be a bitter disappointment, though, reminding me of HBO's three-season series HUNG. USA Network thought so, too, and cancelled it after 2 seasons.), and the final season of BURN NOTICE (It was nice having Bruce Campbell showing up regularly on TV [at least we get him for a 10-episode season of Starz's ASH VS. EVIL DEAD starting Halloween 2015 and it was renewed for a second season before an episode was even shown. Yes, it's that good and gory. See my review on the 2015 - 2016 TV Season.]) and the way the series ended, it left the option open for a spinoff series, where Campbell and co-star Coby Bell could team-up and help people in trouble; (R.I.P. Sharon Gless, who sacrificed herself so that everyone else could live.) and Michael Westen (Jeffrey Donovan; BOOK OF SHADOWS: BLAIR WITCH 2 - 2000) headed for an uncertain future with Fiona (Gabrielle Anwar), among many others spread around the cable TV spectrum. Surprisingly, CBS also brought back the cancelled TV series UNFORGETTABLE (2011 - 2012) with new episodes to be shown starting in July 2013 (and was renewed for a second [or third, if you want to be precise] season, this time starting in the Spring on Friday April 4, 2014 and going through the Summer. UPDATE: It was cancelled, again, on October 10, 2014, only to be picked up for a 13-episode Fourth Season at A&E, announced on February 6, 2015. UPDATE #2: The little show that wouldn't die has just died [or is maybe on life support]. A&E refused a 5th Season pickup, it announced on February 16, 2016. Don't count the show over... yet. There's always streaming services). Even Netflix has its own successful Summer series called ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK (2013 - Present; on January 5, 2016, it was announced that the series has been renewed for a fifth, sixth and seventh season, bringing it to 2019), HEMLOCK GROVE (2013 - 2015), and DAREDEVIL (2015 - Present), which can all be binge-watched, so the hot months need more than a few scripted shows and less reality show crap from Network TV to pull in the audience numbers. (How BIG BROTHER pulls in such big ratings is beyond me. All it is is just a bunch of back stabbing bastards and bitches looking after themselves. And this teaches us what?). Summer is no more the TV wasteland of reruns that it once was. NOTE #2: The networks are learning about how important the Summer TV season is. Besides the second season of UNDER THE DOME on June 30, 2014 at 10:00pm (which ended the second season in truly cringe-worthy, cliffhanger fashion, but will be back for a third season, as announced by CBS on October 9, 2014, which turned out to be its last.), CBS is premiering a new sci-fi mystery starting Wednesday, July 9, 2014 at 9:00pm called EXTANT, starring Halle Berry as a lone U.S. astronaut who returns to Earth only to find out she is pregnant with an extraterrestrial baby. How could an astronaut who spent a solo year in space return pregnant and not remember it happening? The series tries to explain it while Berry tries to reconnect with her husband and android son (yes, you read that right). If this is anything like DOME (both are Executive Produced by Steven Spielberg), expect more questions than answers (it was renewed for a second season, announced by CBS on October 9, 2014 and the show will be completely revamped. NOTE: On October 8, 2015, CBS cancelled the series after two seasons.). NBC also moved the third season of HANNIBAL until June 4, 2015 on Thursdays at 10:00pm, where it will most likely get its best ratings ever. NBC also announced the debut of new crime series AQUARIUS, starring David Duchovny, will air a two hour premiere on Thursday, May 28, 2015 at 9:00pm and then will move as the lead-in to HANNIBAL on Thursday at 9:00pm on June 4, 2015 (Actually, HANNIBAL was cancelled after three seasons and AQUARIUS was renewed for a second season, but they were both moved to Saturday nights where they have been constantly interrupted by pre-season football and NBC didn't even bother to tell anyone that both series could be seen playing at their normal times on a little-known NBC cable station, so if you missed an episode, you can always catch them streaming, on VOD or wait for their eventual disc releases. This is no way to treat two first class shows, even if one one looks like it will not be saved by any other network or streaming service).

WATCH WHAT YOU SAY AND POST ON THE INTERNET

Here's my conundrum: People are getting fired or arrested for things they say on Twitter and Facebook. While the majority of us don't agree with a single word these dolts say, as long as they don't threaten people's lives, what's the harm? One cop gets convicted (he may get a life sentence) because he lived a fantasy life online about eating people and talked to like-minded people about it. Disgusting? Sure it is. Criminal? No way. We always believed that the "Thought Police" was something of a fantasy itself but, apparently, it's true. Since when did it become a crime to express your opinion? Is it different doing it on a computer than saying it to a person standing next to you? The New York Post seems to be the major offender. They seem more interested in getting people fired from their jobs for what they write on Twitter and Facebook (They must have a full-time person who scans these accounts) than actually reporting the news. Forget their prejudice against President Obama (it's huge); they seem more interested in destroying people's lives. People like you, me and your next door neighbor. I always thought we had a right to say and believe anything we wanted to (as long as we don't yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater), but everything changed after 9-11. We now have the federal government reading our mail, searching for keywords on Twitter and Facebook and looking for photos that will incriminate a person. Listen, if you are stupid enough to put up a photo of yourself holding an automatic weapon while smoking a joint, you deserve everything that comes your way, but if your avatar is a photo of Adolph Hitler and you say you hate Jews, you could lose your job and also be put in jail. We may not agree with what these idiots have to say, but they have the right to say it as long as they don't threaten anyone's life. The Computer Age has changed everything and none of those changes are positive for you. At least according to the government. Watch what you say and do on the Internet. Once it is on there, it can't be destroyed (even if you erase it, because both Twitter and Facebook back up their sites every night and keep the pages forever and so do most other social networking sites), so don't say anything that will bite you on the ass. Because people with nothing better to do will find it and make your life miserable, just because they can. I speak from experience. Even trying to find a job sometimes depends on your credit score and what you say or post on your Facebook account. Remember when people in power said that even the thought of this happening was a fantasy? I wonder what these people think today? Law enforcement use the internet daily to catch criminals (especially pedophiles) and that is fine with me, but what other information are they collecting? A lot of stuff written on the Internet can be taken out of context and the progress of time may make those remarks seem more threatening than they were when they were originally written. Be judicious when writing anything on the Internet because (and I have taken a lot of ribbing years ago for saying this): "Once on the Internet, always on the Internet." UPDATE: The newest line of 3-D printers (costing anywhere from $3,000 and up, although prices are falling) are now able to make guns out of plastic with interchangeable barrels to fire any caliber of bullet (the cost of the plastic is about $10.00). After about ten shots the barrel becomes useless, but it can be easily changed. Not only are these guns extremely dangerous, they are also practically undetectable at airport screenings. One asshole company posted the blueprints for such a gun on the Internet, but the bad press they received forced them to pull it off the Internet, but not before the blueprints were downloaded 900,000 times in less than 24 hours. If one of these guns is responsible for one death, whether it be an American or anyone else, the people who posted these blueprints should be thrown in jail. I'm all for freedom of expression, but this is tantamount to murder and the Second Amendment has nothing to do with it, no matter what this company says (Of course, they are based in Texas!). I see no point in working plastic guns except to bypass security and cause mayhem. We thought the plastic gun John Malkovich carried in the film IN THE LINE OF FIRE (1993) was pure fantasy, but fantasy sometimes becomes reality.

MY THOUGHTS ON THE 2013 - 2014 TV SEASON

My thoughts on the 2013 - 2014 TV Season. All times listed are Eastern Standard Time (EST): Well, the new Fall TV Season is upon us and here are my thoughts on some new programs which should interest readers of this site. First up: FOX's SLEEPY HOLLOW (Mondays 8:00 pm), a fun, visually inventive horror series (on a limited 13 episode first season run) which turns Washington Irving's tale on its head (pardon the pun). In this retelling, Ichabod Crane (Tom Mison) was a Revolutionary War soldier working for General George Washington to fight the British. He defeats a seemingly indestructable British soldier by cutting off his head, but is mortally wounded in the battle. Somehow (it is only hinted at in the pilot), Crane wakes up in modern-day Sleepy Hollow (where he is a fish-out-of-water, marveling such things as cars, TV and automatic weapons), just when the Headless Horseman comes back to life (with his possessed red-eyed horse!) and kills the Sheriff (Clancy Brown, in a 9-minute cameo, but there is always hope he will return in flashback sequences [which, thankfully, he has]). Crane joins forces with cop Abbie Mills (Nicole Beharie, SPOILER!!!: She died on the final episode of Season 3) to uncover the secret of the town and the Headless Horsman who, it turns out, is one of the Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse. The pilot was full of inspirational photography tricks, including an unusual way to depict the decapitation of a parish priest. When the Headless Horseman picks up a shotgun and automatic weapons and starts shooting up the town (killing fellow cop John Cho; which seemed to be another extended cameo, but further episodes reveal that he is actually undead), some people may have rolled their eyes, but I found it a wild ride. One funny scene finds Crane shooting a handgun at the Headless Horseman and then throwing it to the ground after firing only one shot, thinking that pistols are only capable of one discharge before reloading! Here's to hoping that they can continue the lunacy of the pilot, but only time will tell. The first episode did bring FOX their highest ratings for a scripted TV series in seven years, but since it started one week before all the other competing series would premiere, let's reserve judgment until it has several episodes under its belt. Any show that features FRINGE's (2008 - 2013) John Noble (who becomes a regular in Season 2) can't be all that bad, can it? (NOTE: The show has been picked up for a second & third season and had one hell of a satisfying season finale. The second season of THE FOLLOWING [already renewed for a third season, but FOX announced on May 8, 2015 it would be the last since Season 3 was not only low-rated, the plot was even more ridiculous than the first two seasons, and that's quite a feat!] will now occupy the time slot.) * Next: NBC's THE BLACKLIST (Mondays 10:00 pm; the middle of Season 2 moved to Thursdays 9:00 pm), which I would have watched just for the fact that it starred James Spader (who has packed on a few pounds and wears a convincing prosthetic that looks like he shaved his head), but this is an excellent action mystery unlike most procedurals on TV right now. Spader stars as Raymond "Red" Reddington, a nattily dressed master criminal who, for the past twenty years, has eluded all major crime authorities and has been selling top secret information to the highest bidders (for reasons as of yet unknown, since he disappeared two decades ago, leaving his wife and children, without any advance warning). That is, until one day he walks into FBI headquarters and voluntarily gives himself up. He offers to help capture the world's most elusive criminals, but with one caveat: He will only talk to and work with Agent Elizabeth "Liz" Keen (Megan Boone), who is beginning her job as a full-blown FBI agent at Quantico on this very day. What is the connection between Liz and Red? Liz was raised as an orphan and has a severe scar on  her right hand and wrist after her criminal father abused her her and then died (which, somehow, Red knows about), but no connection between her and Red can be found. In the first episode, Red helps Liz solve the case of Serbian terrorist Ranko Zamani (Jamie Jackson), who kidnaps an American General's young daughter and uses the little girl as a human bomb; out to kill as many children as possible at a zoo with a lethal chemical timebomb because his family was killed by an American airstrike on his village during the Bosnian War. As the case is solved, Liz also learns some disturbing news about her husband, Tom (Ryan Eggold), thanks to clues given to her by Red. It is all the more disturbing because, before the bomb is rendered harmless, Liz is forced to witness her husband being stabbed two times by Zamani in their own home and must make the choice of getting her husband to the hospital or stopping Zamani from leaving the house. She chooses her husband, who lies in a hospital bed on a respirator drifting between life and death, and when she goes home to scrub the blood off their rug, she discovers loose floorboards under the carpet, containing a box with a small fortune in cash (in various foreign denominations) and several passports of her husband under different names. What does this all mean and will it affect them from adopting a baby girl (she is either incapable of bearing children or her husband is shooting blanks; it is not made clear in the pilot episode)? This was a fairly absorbing 44 minutes of television and, since the pilot was directed by Joe Carnahan (SMOKIN' ACES - 2006; THE A-TEAM - 2010), there are some outstanding action set-pieces, including the tense kidnapping of the young girl on a bridge. This was actually more like watching a small movie than a TV show and I can't wait to see what comes next. Spader is simply fantastic (when is he not?) and the supporting cast, including Harry Lennix (MAN OF STEEL - 2013) and Diego Klattenhoff (Showtime's HOMELAND), do a great job. UPDATE: This is also the most DVRed new show on television, with AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. (see below) and SLEEPY HOLLOW (see above) not far behind. It has also been renewed for a second season and rightfully so. * I wish I could say the same thing about CBS's new series HOSTAGES (which plays opposite of NBC's THE BLACKLIST on Mondays 10:00 pm), but this limited, uninterrupted 15-episode series, executive produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, is about as common as they come, even though it contains some excellent actors and some nice action sequences. The story is about troubled FBI agent Duncan Carlisle (Dylan McDermott; WONDERLAND - 2003), who is suffering from some devastating personal and financial problems and takes the family of surgeon Dr. Ellen Sanders (Toni Collette; FRIGHT NIGHT - 2011) hostage with the help of some military buddies (including THE FOLLOWING  and SONS OF ANARCHY's Billy Brown). Duncan wants Ellen to botch the fairly routine operation she is soon to perform on the President of the United States, Paul Kincaid (James Naughton; DIARY OF THE DEAD - 1976), and administer a deadly poison to him (for reasons not yet made clear, but Duncan says he's doing "bad things for the right reasons"), or he will kill her husband (Tate Donovan), teenage son (Mateus Ward) and teenage daughter (Quinn Shepard). Since this is a serialized thriller and we have wait to see just what Ellen will do to postpone the operation, subplots abound, including when we learn that her family have secrets of their own, including her husband having an affair, her daughter is pregnant and her son is involved in a drug deal. Duncan seems to know all the family's secrets (How? That also is not made clear.) and has eyes everywhere, so it will be extremely hard for Ellen and her family to get away with anything, especially since Ellen is getting a lot of press coverage for her upcoming operating on POTUS. While the premise may sound intriguing, the writing never goes above average, which is a shame, because actress Toni Collette deserves better. There are some nice action sequences, including a tense bank robbery in the beginning of the pilot, but the plot is about as cliched as they come (flashbacks abound) and there are dead spots that lead to boredom. Time will tell if this catches on with audiences, but I think it will not do too well in the ratings. Who knows? I may be wrong. It won't be the first time. (Update: It looks like THE BLACKLIST kicked HOSTAGES' ass in the ratings for the first week [Not counting DVR, On-Demand or streaming viewing]. Either CBS will have faith with this timeslot, move it to another day or cancel it. We'll see in the upcoming weeks, but they did repeat the series pilot on the following Saturday, hoping it will attract more viewers). NOTE: The series is now over and we will never hear from it again, except for its eventual Blu-Ray/DVD release. CBS officially announced its cancelation March 14, 2014. * I must say that I did enjoy the premiere episode of ABC's AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. (Tuesdays 8:00 pm), Marvel's latest attempt to conquer the filmic universe and a TV spin-off of their popular theatrical release THE AVENGERS (2012), but I kept getting the feeling that this series was more suited for The CW than ABC, thanks, in part, to the primary cast of handsome and pretty young actors that populate this series. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Clark Gregg and his portrayal of Agent Phil Coulson (who also was featured in IRON MAN [2008], IRON MAN 2 [2010], THOR [2011] and died in THE AVENGERS, but was brilliantly resurrected for this series) and the action in the pilot was way above average (thanks to direction by Joss Whedon), but since this is shown during the "family friendly" hour of 8:00 PM, the violence level is kept to a TV-PG minimum. I felt that it was played a little too safe and could use some more more maturity in the writing. I know Marvel has an image to uphold, where they make films and TV series fit for teenagers and younger kids (with the exception of the BLADE trio of films [1998 - 2004] and THE PUNISHER: WAR ZONE [2008; Marvel's name is nowhere to be found in the opening or closing credits of the film!]), but this series could use a little more of an adult touch if it wants to reach more than teens and Marvel fanboys. I certainly didn't hate the pilot (there were a few fun visual Easter Eggs for fans of the Marvel Universe), even though most of the characters were underwritten and the plot seemed somewhat rushed in the 44 minutes of air time (but since this is a weekly TV series, it leaves plenty of room for characters to be fleshed-out and, hopefully, plots that will be given time to develop), but I need more than what the pilot offered if they want me to watch this on a weekly basis. I know this will probably get some fantastic ratings and will most likely have a long and healthy lifespan, but it was missing that certain "something" that keeps me coming back for more. (Update: S.H.I.E.L.D. came in third in the ratings in its timeslot, losing out to CBS's powerhouse NCIS [still the number one scripted drama show on TV, with 19.3 million viewers and soon to have a try at another spin-off in the Spring of 2014, this one set in New Orleans and starring Scott Bakula, C.C.H. Pounder and Zoe McLellan, who starred in the first six seasons of J*A*G - 1995-2005, which many people forget that NCIS is s spin-off from!] and NBC's musical reality series THE VOICE [with 14.2 million viewers]. It still had a respectable 11.89 million viewers, but not the numbers ABC was hoping for. To add even worse news, the second episode lost 30% of its viewers from the premiere episode, down to 8.4 million viewers, but has held steady since. ABC has ordered a full season of scripts, but has yet to announce whether it would be renewed for a second season, but at this point, it is way too early to tell. Stan Lee puts in his patented cameo in the February 4, 2014 episode.). To add insult to injury, they have tied a recent episode to the newest THOR: THE DARK WORLD (2013) movie, making it impossible to fully enjoy the episode unless you have seen the film. NOTE: In keeping with breaking their promises that you don't have to see any movies to enjoy the show, it seems you must go to the theater to see CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER (2014) to understand what will happen to the S.H.I.E.L.D. team in future episodes of the TV Series (to the end of the first season). That is a major cheat to all viewers of the T.V. show who would rather not go to the theater to watch Marvel's latest monster money-maker. * More bad news for ABC: Their new Tuesday 10:00 pm series, LUCKY 7, a drama about a group of regular schlubs who work at a Queens, NY gas station and win the lottery, opened with a dismal 4.5 million viewers and may be the first casuality of the season (Remember the similarly-themed 2006 TV series WINDFALL on NBC? Didn't think you would, as it was canceled after 13 episodes.). It was up against CBS's PERSON OF INTEREST (Now in its third season and a guilty pleasure of mine. I'm still trying to get over the death of star Taraji P. Henson's Detective Joss Carter in the ninth episode of Season 3!) and NBC's CHICAGO FIRE (now in its second season), which both beat the new series handily. I hope those lottery winners don't piss away their money, because they are going to need it! (Update: LUCKY 7 was canceled after airing only two episodes and CBS's half hour comedy, WE ARE MEN [Mondays 8:30 pm], starring Tony Shaloub, was the second new series to be canceled.). * While I generally stay away from network half-hour comedy series, I did watch the first episode of FOX's BROOKLYN NINE-NINE (Tuesdays at 8:30 pm and the Second Season Sundays at 8:30 pm) because it features Andre Braugher and Terry Crews as co-stars. The star of this police comedy series is former SNL star Andy Samberg, so the success of this show hinges on whether enough people like him or not. Personally, I think he is an overrated talent and I find this series (Which some critics compare to BARNEY MILLER [1974 - 1982]. Did they even watch this?) only occasionally funny and none of it has to do with Samberg. Both Braugher and Crews show a deft hand at comedy (But why did they have to make Braugher gay? Does there have to be a gay person in every sitcom?), but I bet that this series will only survive one season because of the competition up against it, which includes the previously-mentioned NCIS, THE VOICE and AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.. While the first episode opened with respectable ratings numbers (mainly due to the fact that it premiered one week before all the other networks started their new season), the second episode lost nearly half its viewers. Definitely not a good sign. Look for FOX to change days and time slots for this series very soon if they hope for it to survive even one season. (NOTE: FOX will be doing just that after the Super Bowl, in which the show will be in the coveted spot after the game is over. Sandberg's show will end in March after being moved to an hour later. NOTE #2: In what seems like an alternate universe, the Golden Globes has given Andy Samberg the award for Best Actor in a Comedy Series and BROOKLYN NINE-NINE Best Comedy Series. Either I'm dreaming or our world has become a much stupider place. The Foreign Press, which compromise the Golden Globes, must be on a drinking binge. FOX will now feel compelled to give it a second season even if the ratings are no better than any show on the CW.) * Here are a list of new TV series that I will not be reviewing for the simple fact that they just don't interest me: The CW's THE ORIGINALS (The pilot airs Thursday October 3, 2013 at 9:00 pm and then moves to it's permanent time slot of Tuesdays at 8:00 pm; a spin-off of THE VAMPIRE DIARIES [2009 - Present] and one of the CW's longest-running series), another vampire series populated by young, unknown actors that The CW is so fond of (NOTE: The CW is getting great numbers [well, at least for The CW] with this show that preceeds SUPERNATURAL [now in its 9th season and renewed for a 10th!], which has seemed to actually improve its ratings to the Tuesday move); THE TOMORROW PEOPLE (Wednesdays 9:00 pm), another fantasy from The CW that is populated by young, unknown actors and is a remake of a popular 70's British TV series of the same name (It was cancelled after one season); The CW'S REIGN (Thursdays 9:00 pm) is an historical drama populated by handsome and beautiful actors that plays fast and loose with the true story of the rise of Mary, Queen Of Scots (played by Adelaide Kane). Don't look for this series to last very long because the last thing teens need after a day of high school is watching another history lesson (NOTE: Most all the new CW shows have been picked up for a full season, including REIGN. Seems that getting 3 million viewers or less is successful at The CW. As of 2016, REIGN is still running. Hey, I can't be right all the time!); ABC's ONCE UPON A TIME IN WONDERLAND (Thursdays 8:00 pm), a spin-off of their popular modern fantasy fairy tale series ONCE UPON A TIME (2011 - Present), this one a Victorian England-based fairy tale about Alice's adventures on the other side of the rabbit hole (Didn't SyFy already do this with their 2009 mini-series ALICE?) NOTE: This show will not be renewed for a second season; ABC's BETRAYAL (Sundays 10:00 pm), another wife-cheating serial melodrama with thriller overtones that seems to be proliferating TV right now; like being married also contains a license to have sex with someone other than your spouse. It's like married women and men need a TV show to tell them it's OK to cheat and have affairs (See my review of HOSTAGES above)! Is it any wonder over 50% of marriages end in divorce? NOTE: It looks like BETRAYAL will not survive more than the 13 episodes already in the can; Lifetime's WITCHES OF EAST END (Sundays 10:00 pm) is the long-delayed (it was produced in 2012) supernatural comedy about a family of witches during modern times; one who is immortal (and keeps giving birth to the same daughters, who always die at young ages in unusual ways) and one who is like a cat and only has nine lives (in the pilot, she already loses one). In the first place, since it airs on Lifetime, no straight man would be caught dead watching it and in the second place, being delayed by nearly two years should tell you something about the quality. NOTE: It got good enough ratings for Lifetime to ask for a second season, so I can be wrong after all!; ABC Family's RAVENSWOOD (Tuesdays 8:00pm) is a supernatural spin-off of ABC Family's popular PRETTY LITTLE LIARS (2010 - Present) about strange goings-on at the titled town. Expect lots of crossover potential between the two series. Not my cup of tea since I am older than the combined age of the entire cast. (NOTE: There will be no second season. It has been canceled.); I also have no desire to see The CW's THE 100 (Wednesdays 9:00pm) a sci-fi midseason replacement series about a hundred young people (this is the CW, after all) that are forced to leave their orbiting spaceship called The Ark (where the adults prefer to stay) and explore a ravaged Earth, made that way by nuclear war over 90 years earlier. It sounds like a sci-fi version of Lord Of The Flies with some monsters thrown-in (It has been renewed for a second season). * I'm also going to reserve my judgment on FX's AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN (Wednesdays 10:00 pm; and was announced on October 06, 2013 that there would be a fourth season) until the Blu-Ray comes out. This is a series (the third incarnation of AMERICAN HORROR STORY; each season tells a separate story with some of the actors returning every season in different roles) that should be watched back-to-back in a couple of days rather than in 13 weeks (The fourth season will be called AMERICAN HORROR STORY: FREAK SHOW and will bow on October 8, 2014. It will also bring back a character from the first season. It looks like this is going to be off the hook. NOTE: It was already renewed for a fifth season.). I enjoyed binge-viewing the first two seasons of this weirdly violent and inventively visual series that way, so I'm not going to do it any different this time. The hardest part is trying not to read any spoilers before it reaches Blu-Ray (Especially when Entertainment Weekly runs a cover which ruins a major plot point! And congratulations for Jessica Lange and Kathy Bates for winning the 2014 Emmy Awards® for Outstanding Lead Actress and Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie.). * NBC's IRONSIDE (Wednesdays 10:00 pm) is an updating of the old IRONSIDE (1967 - 1975) TV series and you couldn't ask for a more vanilla show, even though Ironside is now played by a black man (remember that disasterous 2005 TV series where Ving Rhames played KOJAK?). In the original series, Robert Ironside (Raymond Burr) was a cop who was permanently put in a wheelchair by an assassin's bullet to his spine yet, with the help of a crew of racially-diverse crackerjack detectives and helpers, solved eight season's worth of murders and other crimes in San Francisco. In the new reboot, Robert Ironside (Blair Underwood) is a cop who is put permanently in a wheelchair due to being accidentally (?) shot by his own partner (Brent Sexton) in New York City. Ironside hand-picks a crew of racially-diverse crackerjack detectives and other people to help him solve crimes. Not much of a difference between the two series, right? Wrong. In this incarnation, Ironside is buff, works out, has sex with his girlfriend and is extremely violent with perps, something which the original series was not (and, really, who wanted to watch Raymond Burr get it on with any woman?). Since this is shown during the 10:00 pm hour, the violence level and language is amped-up from most network cop shows, but viewers don't keep watching for the violence and a few "bullshits" being spoken. They watch because of the storyline. And in this case (at least based on the pilot), there is too much going on to keep track of (including Ironside's life before he became paralyzed and Sexton's constant beating himself up for crippling his partner [by turning into a whiny alcoholic] and it gets to be a bit too confusing to keep track of. They crammed way too much into 44 minutes to make us really care much about any character. You would also think that in today's society, they could have found a real paraplegic actor to play Ironside instead of a well-known thespian pretending to be one (the "before" scenes could have easily been done with CGI). It would have added a needed bit of realism to the series, since everyone knows Underwood from his many TV and movie appearances, including a recurring role on the long-running TV series L.A. LAW (1986 - 1994) and a starring role in the failed TV series THE EVENT (2010 - 2011). As it stands, this series offers nothing new to a well-worn genre, which is a shame, because a little more thought  and realistic casting could have made this reboot something a little different on a Wednesday night. IRONSIDE doesn't have a leg to stand on. I'll stick with Ted Danson and CSI: (Update: Looks like I was right in sticking with CSI:, because IRONSIDE opened as the lowest-rated fall drama premiere ever in NBC's history and was canceled after showing only two episodes, while CSI: was renewed for a 15th Season!.). * I got an early look at the pilot episode of NBC's DRACULA (Fridays 10:00pm) and I am glad to report that it is one of the best new network shows of the season. The only thing I worry about is the day it is shown and the timeslot, a slot that has been dominated by CBS' BLUE BLOODS for the past four years. NBC hopes to make Friday night a supernatural night, since the new show follows GRIMM (a show I have watched several times, but was not able to get attached to), which is opposite of CBS' popular revival of HAWAII FIVE-O, so people have to decide whether they would rather watch monsters or crime and crime usually wins every time (The last time supernatural shows survived on Friday nights were Chris Carter's THE X-FILES [which was eventually moved to Sundays] and MILLENNIUM [that lasted for three seasons]). That would be a crying shame since the new DRACULA is such a sumptuously-filmed and well-acted series about the well-known bloodsucker (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) moving to Victorian London pretending to be a rich American businessman. He is there to get revenge on the people who turned him into a vampire centuries ago under the guise of bringing modern science to the country. He gets sidetracked, however, when beautiful woman Mina Murray (Jessica De Gouw), turns out to be the spitting image of his dead wife and Dracula thinks she could very well be her reincarnation. The story may play fast and loose with Bram Stoker's novel, but this is a very interesting take on the Dracula legend. Just when you think the vampire genre is played to death, along comes a show that proves you wrong. Like many cable series, this is only slated to run for ten episodes for the first season, a tactic that should be used for more network shows (HANNIBAL [now in its second season and renewed for a third, and final, season] did it earlier in 2013 and the low-rated HOSTAGES is doing it this Fall season, as is the sleeper hit SLEEPY HOLLOW), since it keeps the writing fresh (with very little filler) and keeps the action moving at a brisk pace. Even if you are a fan of Tom Selleck and his series, you should DVR this new series and give it a chance (the first two episodes got terrible ratings). Maybe NBC will trade places with the now-canceled IRONSIDE and put this excellent new series on at Wednesdays at 10:00pm. I would hate to see this series fail and have NBC burn-off episodes on Saturday nights (like they did with THE FIRM in 2012 and the Jekyll/Hyde medical series DO NO HARM - 2013; which actually turned into an involving series that had me hooked on Saturday nights). Since Neilsen Ratings now take DVR and time-shifting recordings into ratings numbers, do yourself a favor and get involved with this excellent new series. This is one is worth your time, even if it isn't at Fridays at 10:00pm. NOTE: The show aired all ten of its episodes on Fridays, but I will be very surprised if it is renewed for a second season. The ratings were anemic. That's not good for a show about a master vampire. It was canceled on May 10, 2014. * Just to proved that not everything that J.J. Abrams touches turns to gold, I give you FOX's ALMOST HUMAN (Mondays 8:00 pm) and it is pretty bad and already done to death (although not in this format) on TV since the mid-60's. The story is simple: thirty-five years from now, a cop (played by Karl Urban, whom I like a lot), just out of a coma, is partnered with an android (Michael Ealy) to solve crimes. Both use their powers, Urban his brain and gut and Ealy his human-like computer processor and unusual strength, to solve crimes. While this is happening, Urban and Ealy, who aren't the fondest of partners, become to respect each other for what they do and figure out if they work together, they can be unstoppable. You know, the same old shit. Since this was filmed on the FRINGE sets (hey why not recycle?) to save money since this is one of the most expensive TV shows of the new season, a lot of the background sets may look familiar to those who loved the latter series (me included). The fact is that this new series reminded me of that Will Smith flop I, ROBOT (2004) in both looks and attitude and that just doesn't wash with me. Listen, when the advertising materials on the series has a quote by Entertainment Weekly that states, "A bromantic BLADE RUNNER.", all I wanted to do was cry. "Bromantic"? Really? And then I got a sneak prevue of the series and I wanted to cry some more. My advice to J.J. Abrams: I know you are now a hot commodity, but slow down a little and let the creativity flow. This is not the first show about a human/android partnership. Remember Maxwell Smart & Hymie on GET SMART (1965 - 1970)? How about HOLMES & YO-YO (1976 - 1977)? Data and everyone he came in contact with on STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION (1987 - 1994)? Or how about a little movie and TV franchise called ROBOCOP? There are too many more examples to mention. What I am basically saying is that while the technology may have improved, the premise has been around for many decades on TV and even longer in books. So don't piss down my leg and tell me that it is raining. I will give the show some time to develop, but I doubt the stories are going to make me change my mind. The series also bumps one of FOX's best-known series, BONES, to a death sentence in the Friday 8:00 pm  time slot. Goodbye, BONES, it was nice knowing you. Nine years was a nice run (Although it is getting good ratings for Friday airings. Now that is fan dedication! It still got good enough ratings to merit a 10th Season! This is a show that has had so many different days and time period shifts [now it is on Mondays!], yet fans still stuck with it. I love being proved wrong. Season 10, airing on Thursday September 25, 2014 [another new time slot yet again!] opens with the shocking murder of Dr. Sweets [John Francis Daley], which proves there is still life in the old show yet!). Don't look for ALMOST HUMAN to achieve that milestone. I'll give it a season or two at most and that's being kind. I sometimes wonder who makes these decisions or is there some type of spinning carnival-like wheel that tells these business suits where to put their programs? FOX is losing viewers and it's bone-headed moves like this that will make them even loose more. I predict a few million viewers for the Sunday November 17, 2013 & Monday November 18, 2013 series premiere, but I wouldn't count on viewers staying around to watch it week after week unless it changes course really soon. NOTE: FOX canceled the series on April 29, 2014. It came as no surprise since ratings have been abysmal. The score: BONES: 1  ALMOST HUMAN: 0 * Director/writer Frank Darabont's MOB CITY (TNT: Wednesdays 9:00 pm) is a three week six-episode miniseries about the relentless pursuit of mobster Mickey Cohen (Jeremy Luke) and Bugsy Seigel (Edward Burns) by Los Angeles Police Chief William Parker (Neal McDonough) and Detective Joe Teague (Jon Bernthal, who worked with Darabont on THE WALKING DEAD until Darabont was mysteriously dismissed as the series' showrunner and Berenthal was turned into a zombie and shot in the head.) in the 1940's. Besides a roster of excellent co-stars and cameo appearances (Gregory Itzin, Brendan Sexton III, Jeffrey DeMunn [another killed-off THE WALKING DEAD regular, who has appeared in nearly everything Darabont has done], Simon Pegg, Alexa Davalos, Milo Ventimiglia, Gordon Clapp, Ernie Hudson, Daniel Roebuck, Robert Knepper, Dana Gould and others), some nice period detail (especially the clothing) and language, borderline nudity and violence which goes way beyond what basic cable usually allows (which garnered it a TV-MA rating, unusual for a basic cable program), the actual miniseries is nothing spectacular. As a matter of fact, it really just drags along until its inevitable conclusion. Filled with flashbacks during the mobsters and cops younger years, it reminded me somewhat of what Sergio Leone's ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA (1984) did years before and ten times better. While not a total failure by a long shot, one gets the feeling that Frank Darabont made this rather quickly as a big "Fuck You" to AMC for  being uncerimoniously tossed off THE WALKING DEAD's set for reasons that are still unclear (especially since it was Daramont's baby). What could have been a landmark miniseries is nothing but an average period detective film noir with a gallery of good actors and bloody violence. I'm sure a lot more people will like it more than I do, but the same goes towards my feelings towards THE WALKING DEAD, which I find full of cliched characters, banal dialogue borderlining on religious mumbo-jumbo and a required zombie attack during every episode. Some people think all you need is bloody violence to make a good series. I demand more than that. I demand believable characters that I can care about and plots that are more than your basic scenarios that have been done many times before. That describes what both of theses series lack in spades (although watching Edward Burns getting shot to pieces was a nice touch in an otherwise dreary series). Darabont can't get thrown off this series (he still has a lawsuit over at AMC over THE WALKING DEAD) because it is already done and in the can, but maybe next time he can do a series that contains real characters we can aspire to? (NOTE: TNT announced on February 10, 2014 that the show has been canceled and will not have a second season.) * CBS's INTELLIGENCE (Mondays 10:00pm) will replace HOSTAGES when all the episodes run out in early January 2014. It is one of the newest shows of the midseason (now known as TV's "second season"). This sci-fi procedural, about precocious agent Gabriel Vaughn (Josh Holloway of LOST  [2004-2010]) with a computer chip implanted in his brain, which gives him instant access to any information in the world, will have you asking yourself, "Marg Helgenberger left CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION for this?" Helgenberger plays Lillian Strand, Gabriel Vaughn's "handler", and boy does she have a lot on her hands. The first question that crossed my mind when I watched the first episode (which will premiere on Tuesday January 7, 2014 at 9:00pm, right after a new episode of NCIS, just to make sure the new series gets the best audience numbers possible since it follows the most successful scripted series on TV) is why would they give a guy who likes to do things his way and hates following orders the most advanced technology in the world? The episodes I have seen so far (one of the perks of running a web site) are nothing to write home about, but they are entertaining, if you can get beyond some of the plots' most gaping holes. And there are plenty, but I'll let you discover them since the first episode will probably get great Neilsen ratings. It won't do too well in its regular time slot because it runs opposite of the popular new series THE BLACKLIST (and rightfully so), since that show seems to be getting better and better as it progresses. Still, the series does have some positive points, such as Holloway's charm and natural screen presence, some great action sequences and also a recurring role by Lance Reddick of FRINGE (2008 - 2013). It may become popular on a different day or at a different time, but I don't see this lasting beyond the first 13 episode order in its current time slot. I would like this series to succeed, but I'm not in charge of TV programming. Some of their choices are truly head-scratching, including this one, considering all the talent in front of the camera. Maybe CBS will come to their sense before it is too late for this series. (NOTE: The second episode, shown in its regular time slot of Mondays 10:00pm drew in a paltry 1.6 million viewers. CBS will have to do something quick to save this series from oblivion. NOTE #2: The series will not be renewed after all the current episodes are shown due to poor ratings) * I don't want to know about HBO's new series TRUE DETECTIVE (Sundays 9:00pm) except every year it will pick two different stars as partners to solve a crime for eight episodes. On the freshman season. those two stars happen to be Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey. How could it not be great? These two stars have had excellent career resurgences in the past several years and whomever thought of putting them together should get an Emmy for casting. I don't know anything about the plot (I refused the first two episodes as screeners from HBO because I want to witness it with the rest of the world.), but when you put these two actors together you just know that fireworks are going to explode. And that, my friend, is what TV is all about. If I am disappointed in this series, I think I will shoot myself! (NOTE: The first episode was a corker, telling the story in flashback fashion starting in 1995 investigating a heinous crime and then skipping to 2012 [but not before experiencing important events that happen in 2002 later in the series], with both detectives speaking to Internal Affairs seperately [with McConaughey's character looking entirely different than the flashback parts], which lets you know something extremely big happened [the actual murder, about a dead and bound young woman with antlers attached to her head, only took less than 5 minutes of screen time, but it's a head-scratcher] and introducing us to the fascinating characters. For once, Harrelson is the straight-laced detective who is married with a family [but the marriage is far from perfect; as a matter of fact, it is as far from perfect as you can get] and McConaughey the troubled partner with a past that concerns a deceased wife [who took her own life] and daughter who was killed by a speeding car [The scene where McConaughey shows up drunk for his first dinner at Harrelson's house is a masterpiece of acting and doesn't end the way you think it would.]. The pilot episode left you wanting to watch the whole eight episodes at once. An A+ all the way!). I particularly like McConaughey's take on the beginning of religion in the third episode: "Been that way since one monkey looked at the sun and said to the other monkey, 'He told me for you to give me your fucking share.' People are so goddamn frail that they rather put a coin in a wishing well than buy dinner." The "Mowing My Lawn" sequence in the third episode is also a thing of beauty that should be studied by aspiring actors everywhere. The same episodes also informs us that McConaughey suffers from a rare condition where he can taste colors! Another recent episode had a six minute action scene shot in one interrupted take. You can't ask for better than this. Now we just have to find out who the "Yellow King" is (pay close attention to all the subtle clues dropped in every episode)! And we wonder why pay cable series shine when compared to their network counterparts. It's not the nudity. It's not the foul language. It's because they tell better stories and take chances just like I have just explained. Watch it and be amazed just for the philosophical words that come out of McConaughey's mouth thanks to writer/creator Nic Pizzolatto and director Cary Fukunaga (All who did the entire eight episodes and Cary was the only one in the entire series to win a 2014 Emmy Award® for directing the episode "Who Goes There", the one with the six minute uninterrupted take, but a big "BOO!" for not giving Matthew McConaughey the Emmy® for Best Actor. If this wasn't Bryan Cranston's final year on BREAKING BAD, Matthew would have definitely won it.). NOTE #2: Very satisfying conclusion with enough atmosphere to spare for a dozen TV shows. "We did not get them all, but we got ours." Simply brilliant. * NBC's CHICAGO P.D. (Wednesdays 10:00pm) is series creator Dick Wolf's eight episode companion series to his surprise mini-hit CHICAGO FIRE (2012 - Present; which is shown on Tuesdays at 10:00pm), so expect a lot of crossover potential. This series delves more into the personal lives of the detectives and police officers than Wolf's LAW & ORDER franchise did, but I wont be watching it when it airs since it is placed opposite CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION. I did watch the first two episodes, thanks to NBC screeners and it is a well-written show with a lot of action and some great character actors as stars (Jason Beghe, John Seda, Sophia Bush, Mykelti Williamson, Patrick John Flueger, Elias Koteas and J.B. Smoove), but it would get much better numbers in an earlier time spot opposite something a little less popular, but since CHICAGO FIRE is holding its own, who knows what will happen? I applaud NBC for giving us more scripted TV than reality TV as of late and I hope this series picks up the same numbers as its companion series. This way the Chicago heritage can live on for a full season without any rerun potential. It's a good little series that runs right after Wolf's LAW & ORDER: SVU (which is also beginning to delve into their personal lives including Olivia  [Mariska Hargitay] being held prisoner and sexually abused in her home by a crazed psychopath and the mental after-effects it caused, Detective Nick Amaro [Danny Pino] may lose his job to a gun incident, retired Richard Belzer as Detective Munch [see below] and also lost Captain Donald Cragen [Dann Florek, who has been with L&O since 1990!]). I hope it survives so I can watch it as part of my cable company's On Demand service. But what you wish for and what you get may be two different things. (NOTE: There will be crossover episodes utilizing some characters from L&O: SVU [Ice-T and Kelli Giddish] with CHICAGO P.D. and Sophie Bush visiting SVU.) The show is holding its own ratings-wise, maintaining the majority of L&O: SVU's viewers. NOTE #2: It looks like we will be seeing more if this series next year since it has been renewed for a second season. * ABC canceled their 8-part 1980's-set Cold War mini-series THE ASSETS (Thursdays 10:00pm) after only two episodes on Friday January 10, 2014. It was a "Winter Hiatus" replacement series for ABC's mini-hit SCANDAL (2012 - Present). I wasn't even aware that the mini-series was on in the first place. Maybe that has something to do with ABC not advertising or marketing the show properly (They didn't even bother giving it a proper print campaign.)? The rest of the episodes will either be made available on VOD or its eventual Blu-Ray/DVD release. Or the other six episodes could be burned off on Saturday nights. Or all three. ADDENDUM: ABC's 8-episode filler series KILLER WOMEN (Tuesdays 10:00pm) is doing equally bad in its time slot, mainly due to bad marketing and advertising. I watched the first episode, which concerns Texas Ranger Molly Parker (Tricia Helfer) going after murderous women and it wasn't as bad as it seems. It's more like a grittier WALKER: TEXAS RANGER complete with more violence and good looking women (Helfer is certainly no heifer). My bet is that they will let this one run its course in its current timeslot, even though it will never attain the ratings of PERSON OF INTEREST or CHICAGO FIRE, mainly because MODERN FAMILY's Sofía Vergara is an Executive Producer. You don't want to piss-off one of the bread-and-butter winners for your network. NOTE: Guess I was wrong, KILLER WOMEN was canceled (the ratings for the first two episodes were abominable) and some the episodes will be burned-off at the regular time slot and then replaced by the series MIND GAMES (see below) which was moved up a few weeks. * FOX's RAKE (Thursdays 9:00pm) is the best new show of the Mid-Season (It's a thirteen-episode series based on an Australian show of the same name) and it's no coincidence that the advertising materials are comparing it to HOUSE M.D. (2004 - 2012), but instead of having Hugh Laurie in his ascerbic performance as Dr. House, we have devil-may-care criminal defense attorney Keegan Deane (the wonderful Greg Kinnear). Besides being a lawyer, Keegan is also a compulsive gambler (who gets beaten up for not paying his debts, even though he has a friendly rapport with the gambling enforcer, played by Omar Dorsey) and a womanizer whose biggest problem is his mouth. He just doesn't know when to keep it shut, whether he is in court or out of it (that also gets him beaten up a lot). Kinnear is pitch perfect as the lawyer with a big mouth who says out loud what we usually only think. Don't get me wrong, this is just another procedural show, but this show gives that genre a needed shot in the arm thanks to Kinnear's grand performance and some of the things he says are so funny, I nearly pissed my pants. There are a few problems with the show, like Deane's current wife Scarlet (Necar Zadegan) being the opposing counsel in many of his cases (she knows he's a womanizing prick and the first time we see Deane, he is drunk with a prostitute on his arm!) and some of the cases are only so-so (the pilot has a serial killer, played by the brilliant Peter Stormare, trying to recant his confession), but since the pilot was directed by none other than Sam Raimi, it all seems to go down like a spoonful of sugar. I'll leave it to you, my dear readers, to discover this show, because it deserves a long life just like HOUSE M.D. did. The fact that Deane learns absolutely no lessons from his verbal and physical miscues on the show is one of its strongest points. This is one show that should not have a short life span, so watch or DVR it when it is on! Put this show on your viewing schedule. Watch all of the thirteen episodes so it will return again in the fall. NOTE: After a short move to Fridays, the show has been moved to Saturdays, where episodes will be shown back-to-back starting at 8:00pm until all the episodes are burned off. Say goodbye to RAKE. * SyFy's HELIX (Fridays 10:00pm) is not a bad show, but it is a little too familiar to fans of biological warfare shows like THE BURNING ZONE (1996 - 1997; Remember that show?) or an episode of THE X-FILES, except that you can't go into the middle of this show without being confused, because it plays like a continuous arc soap opera rather than a single-story-per-episode series. The premise is this: CDC scientist Dr. Alan Farragut is called to a secret lab located in the middle of the Artic to check out that the possibility of a new strain of mutagen has been unleashed. Unfortunately, Alans's brother, Dr. Peter Farragut (Neil Napier), is the first to be infected and he gains superhuman strength and infects other members of the staff by kissing them and oozing a black substance in their mouths (remind anyone of anything?). Since they can't catch Peter, Alan wants to inform the CDC, but his orders are blocked by the lab's mysterious boss, Dr. Hiroshi Hatake (Hiroyuki Sanada), who may or may not know just what this mutagen is and does. All manner of transportation has been destroyed, as well as every manner of communication, so Alan and the surviving staff must quarantine the infected and catch Peter before he does more harm, Just what this mutagen does (Is it alien or man-made?) will be answered as the show progresses (there is a nice shot of hundreds of frozen monkeys standing in a row outside in the freezing snow, after one of the visiting female scientists, played by Catherine Lemieux, is told by one of the lab's lackeys that no monkeys were ever at the lab), but I lost interest after three episodes and will probably not return to it. The episodes compromised endless scenes of people crawling through heating ducts looking for Peter (and with absolutely no idea how to stop him if they found him, which is proven in at least one instance). It is just too familiar to the many infectious disease movies and TV shows I have seen in my lifetime. It's also obvious that this was made in Canada because some of the actors don't even try to disguise their accents. I do love the ad for the show, though (see above right). (NOTE: SyFy has ordered a second season of the show. NOTE #2: SyFy canceled the show after two seasons on April 29, 2015) * A&E's THOSE WHO KILL (Mondays 10:00pm, which was moved up three months from its initial Sunday June 3, 2014 release date) is based on a Danish movie & TV series of the same name from 2011 that reminded me of that old TV series PROFILER (1996 - 2000) in a lot of aspects, but with a few differences. The new series concerns a troubled newly-promoted Pittsburgh-based homicide detective (the always-welcome Chloe Sevigny; HBO's BIG LOVE - 2006-2011), whose brother was abducted, but she believes he is dead (and that her stepfather [Bruce Davison] is a prolific serial killer, who happens to be a judge), and an even more troubled married forensics psychiatrist/psychology teacher (James D'Arcy; RISE: BLOOD HUNTER - 2006), who has an adversarial relationship with the police and tends to get into the minds of the killers rather than figuring out how to capture them (what he does to Sevigny in the first episode cements his feelings towards the killers), as they try to catch a different serial killer each week (there's a three episode arc about catching a female serial killer and the first episode deals with a psycho who makes his victims cross their arms on their chests [and feeds them cat food] before killing them) while dealing with their psychological problems (Both Sevigny and D'Arcy have young children they are responsible for). It's a beautifully photographed series, but CRIMINAL MINDS (2005 - Present; Sevegny, who starred with MIND's Jeanne Tripplehorn on BIG LOVE kind of puts down the show by saying it's "more of punching the clock thing when you're doing that kind of show" Huh? And now Jennifer Love Hewitt is joining the cast for its 10th Season. Double Huh?) have basically used every deviant serial killer behavior on their show, so this series has to depend on the chemistry between Sevigny and D'Arcy and it works if you like series that are dark and dank and heroes that aren't above killing bad people in cold blood. I don't like watching A&E because of their DUCK DYNASTY debacle over gays and blacks, but this limited 10-episode series may be worth programming your DVR for (it runs opposite THE BLACKLIST, so I will have to DVR it) and airs right after the second season of A&E's surprise hit BATES MOTEL (2013-Present; D'Arcy played Anthony Perkins in the movie HITCHCOCK.). Thanks to Sevigny and D'Arcy, this mind-bending series may stand a chance and come back for a second season. My only wish is that the Amish Mafia forcefully shave off the beards of those fake-ass hillbillies and use it as an episode of this new show during the second season. I'd pay real money to see that. NOTE: A&E has shelved the series after airing only two episodes. They plan on showing the other episodes at a later unknown date. Until then BATES MOTEL (which on April 7, 2014 was renewed for a 10-episode third season. On June 15, 2015 A&E renewed the show for seasons four & five.) will be moved up an hour and reruns of the Anthony Perkins prequel, reboot, or whatever you want to call it, will be shown at 9:00pm. Not a shock, but still a surprise that the show was getting really poor ratings. NOTE #2: A&E gave the show to their sibling network LMN (formerly Lifetime Movie Network) to burn off the final 8 episodes on Sundays at 10:00pm starting March 30, 2014. * ABC's MIND GAMES (Tuesdays 10:00pm) is a detective show with a difference. Rather than using violence and threats to solve problems, they use the real science of human motivation and manipulation. Liking the show depends on your tolerance for Steve Zahn (who nearly ruined the first season of HBO TREME  - 2010-2013, before toning it down) as Clark Edwards, a genius in human psychology who also happens to be bipolar (which lets him go off the edge and act like some crazy idiot savant every now and then) and his ex-con brother Ross Edwards, played by DTV king Christian Slater. They, along with some of Clark's students, solve clients problems using their minds and manipulation rather than violence. The ending of the pilot episode left me slackjawed and made me wonder how they were going to fix things (I'll leave it for you to discover, unless ABC changes the ending when it originally airs February 25, 2014). Since I was only given the pilot before actual showtime (it was moved up from March 11, 2014 due to the dismal ratings of KILLER WOMEN), I, along with you, will have to see if they can fix it. Until then we'll just have to wait. Since TNT has the similarly-themed show PERCEPTION (2012 - 2015), starring Eric McCormack as the crazy professor who uses deduction and manipulation to solve crimes (and talks to imaginary people who help him solve those crimes, basically a metaphor for him being able to say he solved the crimes not using his own brain), the success of this show depends on whether you can accept two similar shows (on the same day and time, no less!) dealing with the same subject. My guess is that this series will run this 10 episode season and then will disappear. Steve Zahn just rubs me the wrong way and if he does that to me, he will do that to a lot of other people. (And a lot of people who are really afflicted with the biploar disease Zahn has on the show are voicing the way Zahn portrays it comedically, especially when he goes off his meds.). At least Christian Slater can fall back on DTV films. NOTE: Guess I was right. On March 27, 2014, after airing 5 episodes, ABC pulled MIND GAMES from the schedule  due to poor ratings and replaced it with a reality show called CELEBRITY WIFE SWAP (now in its second season), to be shown after airing a couple of encores of RESURRECTION (see next). * ABC's RESURRECTION (Sundays 9:00pm) is one of those series (like THE X-FILES or THE 4400 before it) that seems to ask more questions than it answers. The always good Kurtwood Smith and Francis Fisher play Henry and Lucille Langston, who one day are delivered their young son Jacob (Landon Gimenez; who wakes up in a rice paddy in China) by Immigration agent J. Martin Bellamy (Omar Epps) to their farmhouse in the sleepy little town of Arcadia, Missouri. The problem is, Jacob died over 30 years ago and hasn't aged a day. Soon other dead people begin turning up in the town, but these people are not zombies or the living dead. They have all the qualities of a normal human being. Based on the novel "The Returned" by Jason Mott, this series sets off to tell how families deal with the people they thought were dead brought back into their lives, rather than trying to find out why it happened (I guess if we find out why, the series would be over). I like a good mystery just like the next guy, but this is a more personal tale about how families, especially Henry and Lucille, deal with a young son at their advanced age and wondering if it is their son at all (DNA evidence seems to prove that it is.). Series like this don't seem to last too long nowadays because serialized dramas (with a touch of science fiction) don't seem to flourish during the regular TV season. They seem to do much better as a Summer series (Take a look at the success of UNDER THE DOME.). Of the first three episodes I have seen (thanks to screeners provided by ABC), I can say with a clear conscience that this is a well-acted show (Matt Craven plays Sheriff Fred Langston, who also happens to be Henry's brother and whose wife drowned trying to save Jacob 30 years earlier), but it needs more information on why the dead are returning back to life and only in the town of Arcadia. There is a subplot where Fred's daughter Gail (Devin Kelly) believes that Jacob knows more than he is saying (which is true), but giving the viewers morsels during each episode will not sustain an audience, at least not during a time when new series and old favorites jam-up Sunday nights. If you ask me, they should have waited until the Summer to air this series, because it doesn't stand much of a chance during it's current day and time period. It may have been a hit during the Summer, but as it stands now, I don't see it lasting more than it's limited 8-episode run. And that's a shame. UPDATE: Seems like I was wrong. RESURRECTION opened to very strong numbers and factoring in DVR recordings, surpassed the numbers THE BLACKLIST (see above) are getting. It looks like a lock for renewal. NOTE: It was renewed for a second season (starting Sunday September 28, 2014 at 9:00pm), but many people and critics complained that the season-ending episode was a real letdown that they will probaby pass on the second season. No questions were answered and it turned more into a soap opera than a supernatural series. It really disappointed the loyal viewers by asking more questions and giving no answers. It may have worked on LOST (2004 - 2010), but not this series. The French TV Series THE RETURNED (2012 - Present) deals with the same subject matter in a much more satisfying (and sexual) way. You can watch subtitled episodes on Netflix. The A&E Network is reportedly remaking the French series. The big question here is: Why? Do we really need two U.S. shows that deal with the dead returning to life, but not as zombies, but as they were when they originally passed away?

2013 - 2014 TV SEASON PART 2:  NBC's CRISIS (Sundays 10:00pm) is another serialized thriller which at least offers us the beautiful presence of Gillian Anderson (who I am officially in love with, even though she has outed herself as gay). We actually get a double dose of her this year since she again portrays Hannibal Lecter's psychiatrist in the Second Season of HANNIBAL (2013 - 2015), but she is not on every episode (It looks like she quit being Hannibal's psychiatrist in Season 2, Epidode 2 because she considers him "dangerous", so it will be interesting to see how Hannibal will deal with her. She also stars in the British TV series THE FALL [2013-Present; available on Netflix] and travels between the U.K. and Chicago, where this new series is filmed.). A group of high schoolers on a field trip, including the son of the President of the United States and the daughter of an influential CEO (Anderson), who is hiding some family secrets, as is the kid's parental chaperone (Dermot Mulroney), is hijacked and held hostage for reasons not yet made clear. Unlike the disasterous, but similar, HOSTAGES at the beginning of the Fall Season, this 13-episode thriller has some type of conclusion at the end of every episode and promises to surprise viewers at the end of the season. Since it is on opposite THE MENTALIST (which was miraculously renewed for a 7th Season on May 10, 2014), this is another show made for my DVR and I probably wouldn't even record it without the participation of Gillian Anderson. This is the first time Anderson has been on an American series in which she appears in every episode since THE X-FILES (1993 - 2002), so I am keeping my fingers crossed that the ratings sustain a second season and it is put on a different night so I can watch it live. How else is she going to be my third wife? NOTE: NBC, in their infinite wisdom has cancelled the series on May 9, 2014, so there will be no Season 2. A big "Up Yours! to NBC. (They also cancelled their sci-fi/action series REVOLUTION [2012 - 2014] after two seasons on the same day. It had a cult following and is going to piss off a lot of people) * BELIEVE (Special Preview Monday March 10 2014, 10:00pm; Regular date: Sundays 9:00pm) is one of those "one the run" shows; this one about a special little girl named Bo (Johnny Sequoyah) who has strange supernatural powers (like the ability to levitate, predict the future or scream and get a flock of pigeons to attack a bad female assassin). When her adoptive parents are brutally murdered in an automobile "accident", a group known as the "True Believers" who have been protecting the little girl for her entire life decide the best person to protect her is Tate (Jake McLaughlin). The only problem is that Tate is on Death Row (and says he is innocent) and about to be executed, so True Believer member Winter (Delroy Lindo, dressed as a prison priest) breaks Tate out of prison, attaches an unremovable tracking device to him and teams her up with Bo, who is in the hospital recovering from the automobile "accident" (She makes an MRI machine go haywire when the attendants refuse to turn it off.). Now they are both wanted. Tate by the police and Bo by an organization run by the evil Skouras (Kyle MacLachlan), who wants Bo for reasons as yet still unknown and sends female assassin Leeds (Katie McClellan) to do the deed, but Bo manages to save the day time and time again. Bo and Tate have a connection which will be revealed at the end of Episode 1, so it should make for interesting viewing (the secret is not hard to figure out after watching the entire first episode, the only screener supplied to me). There's also a small subplot about a young doctor and his dying father that is very touching and is resolved by the end of the episode. This series stands a chance of becoming a cult hit as long as it is given the right time slot (It is certainly crowded on Sundays at 9:00pm and I will not give up my guilty pleasure, THE GOOD WIFE [Will's {Josh Charles} shooting death in a recent episode was one of the biggest TV shocks of the season and a special shout-out to Julianna Marguiles for winning the 2014 Emmy Award® for Best Actress in a Drama Series, next to Detective Carter's {Taraji P. Henson} death on PERSON OF INTEREST], for it, so it will have to be DVR'ed). Since it was created by J.J. Abrams (the awful ALMOST HUMAN; see above; one of his few failures) and Alfonso Cuarón, the Oscar®-winning director of GRAVITY (2013), who directed and co-wrote the pilot, the series stands a chance of becoming a midseason hit if given the time to mature. NBC really has nothing to lose since they only have three or four of their shows that regularly make it into the top 25 TV shows of the week (now that football and the Olympics are off the air), so giving this limited 9-episode series a chance to flourish could only be in their best interest. The series is well-shot and acted and deserves a chance to prove itself. Let's hope that NBC has the guts to give this series a chance to catch on. Of course, NBC (or rather Comcast), in their ulitmate wisdom lead-in both BELIEVE and CRISIS with an idiotic reality show called AMERICAN DREAM BUILDERS. Not only is it reminiscent of many house building and decorating reality shows before it, but it also pits 12 people against each other; the worst one getting kicked-off each week. NBC shoots itself in the foot once again. People not interested in such things will automatically change channels, which will hurt the potential audience for the two shows that follow it. It's basic Business 101, something that NBC has forgotten for nearly the past ten years. NOTE: NBC, once again, cancelled this series on May 9, 2014 without even giving it a chance to catch on with viewers. I DVR'd it every Sunday and found it enjoyable. NBC is fast becoming the station of the "No!" * So let me get this straight: Christopher Meloni left LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT (Which was just renewed for a 16th season after much speculation that production costs would end the series at the end of the 15th season. Thank god clearer heads prevailed because it can still be a spellbinding and emotional show when it wants to be, such as the series of episodes where Olivia [Mariska Hargitay] had to deal with a psycho kidnapper this season.) to star in the teribbly unfunny DTV flick NATIONAL LAMPOON'S DIRTY MOVIE (2011 - where Meloni wore the most idiotic pair of false teeth in film history), do a small arc (5 episodes) on HBO's TRUE BLOOD (2012), have a small starring, but pivital, role in the Superman film MAN OF STEEL (2013), appear in the DTV comedy AWFUL NICE (2013; in which he wore a horrible hairpiece, mustache and spoke in an accent that can't be categorized), cameo as Leo Durocher in the Jackie Robinson biography film 42 (2013), headline the used car lot drama flick SMALL TIME (2014) and now he is starring in a half-hour comedy series for FOX called SURVIVING JACK (Thursdays 9:30pm), which takes place in the early-90's? Why doesn't he just commit career suicide and appear as a commentator on FOX News? I give this series three, maybe four episodes (it actually lasted a little bit longer) before it is dropped like a heavy stone in a small pond, although most TV critics have given it pretty good reviews. But we all know good reviews mean nothing when it comes to TV shows. Most of my favorite TV shows that have been canceled in the first season have gotten good reviews. NOTE: No surprise here, FOX has cancelled the show. * I generally don't like TV shows based on popular movies. Very few of them succeed. M*A*S*H (1972 - 1983) is one such successful series, but most of them just disappear into the television graveyard. That's why I was most impressed with FX's FARGO (Tuesdays 10:00pm), which besides having the title of director Joel and Ethan Coen's 1996 film of the same name (they wrote three episodes of this series and also act as Executive Producers), has the snowy and icy landscape of wintery Minnesota (actually filmed in Calgary, Alberta, Canada) and contains the funny accents, has nothing to do with the film. This is an extremely black comedy 10-episode self-contained series that is adult in nature (and, according to the creators, takes place one day after the events of the original film), about a lurid stranger named Lorne Malvo (an Emmy Award®-winning performance by Billy Bob Thornton) who arrives in a small Minnesota town and begins having bad effects on people, especially insurance salesman Lester Nygaard (Martin Freeman), which leads to murder, kidnapping, blackmail and lots of violence and humor. I have seen the first three episodes thanks to screeners and I will officially put this on my DVR since it runs opposite PERSON OF INTEREST. This limited series also has an interesting cast, including Bob Odenkirk, Colin Hanks, Joey King, Keith Carradine, Adam Goldberg and Oliver Platt. Since we have been promised that this series is self-contained and won't have the story continued next year, I think if this series is successful (and it should be), it will take the route of HBO's TRUE DETECTIVE or FX's AMERICAN HORROR STORY (see above) and tell a different story each season, with new actors or some returning ones. This is one of the better new series of the "second season", so give it a try and you will probably find yourself hooked on the very first episode. We are going through a new Golden Age of TV, and it is series like this that make it so. Bear in mind that this series is Rated TV-MA, so don't let your kids watch it, unless your kids are already twisted beyond all hope NOTE: OK, I have changed my mind a little on this series. After episode three, things begin to get a little repetitive, stale and boring. It started out like gangbusters, but has turned into nothing into a pale imitation of the movie it is based on. But things took a drastic turn in later episodes and the show has jumped ahead one year, giving the show new life. (Congratulation on the series winning the 2014 Emmy Award® for Outstanding Miniseries and for Colin Bucksey winning an award for directing.) * WGN America, a cable channel best known for their syndicated repeats and wrestling, premieres their first original series SALEM (Sundays 10:00pm), a 13-episode series that takes place in 1600's Salem, Massachusetts and is told mainly from the witches' point of view. While the series is nothing to write home about, it is still one of the most violent shows on TV right now, filled with hangings, graphic burnings, brandings, crushings, thumb screws, the Pear of Anguish (if you don't know what it is, you soon will if you watch this series), drownings (via "The Ducking Stool"), Bootikins (a.k.a. "The Boots"), The Cleansing Of The Soul, stocks and one possessed woman bites off her own finger. These are only a few of the devices and ways used to get normal, everyday people to confess they were witches, with the corrupt Church unaware that there are actual witches in Salem out to make the Church pay for their sins. It's as violent as MARK OF THE DEVIL (1970), but without the free stomach distress bag. While the story is pretty generic (a man [Shane West; NIKITA - 2010-2013] returns from the war, only to find his hometown of Salem in the throes of a witch-frenzy, with his innocent [?] wife also accused as one), most people will be watching it for the stomach-turning violence. That is, if they get the channel at all. My cable company does not carry it (my review is based on screeners), so my only hope of watching it is if it is on VOD on my Roku 3 streaming player. If I can't get it there, I will have to wait for the eventual Blu-Ray/DVD release. I give the series points for pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable violence on a non-pay cable channel (Most of the episodes are Rated TV-MA), but since this series has been in the planning stages since 2012, the story line could have been much, much better (One Puritan actually says , "I call bullshit!"). Proceed at your own risk, but the violence here makes that in THE WALKING DEAD look like a Disney series. Also starring Xander Berkeley, Janet Montgomery, Ashley Madekwe and Seth Gabel as real-life witch-killing minister Cotton Mather. You have been warned. (NOTE: It has been renewed for a second season, with the beautiful Lucy Lawless added to the cast as Queen of all Witches and her performance outshines everyone else's. Welcome back to TV Lucy! We missed you.) * Showtime's PENNY DREADFUL (Sundays 10:00pm) is a limited series mash-up of all horror icons of 19th Century 1891 Victorian London, including Dr. Frankenstein (Harry Treadaway), his Monster (Rory Kinnear), Dorian Gray (Reeve Carney), characters from the Dracula novel like Mina Harker (Olivia Llewellyn; but not Dracula himself, at least not yet) and stars Timothy Dalton, Josh Hartnett and Eva Green as original characters in this gothic melodrama with plenty of bloody violence (the first scene opens with the dismemberment murders of a young girl and her pregnant mother). The real-life literature written during this period will blow your mind, including Stevenson's THE STRANGE CASE OF DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE and Welles' WAR OF THE WORLDS and THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU are just a few examples. At first the storyline to this series is confusing and illogical, but it soon calms down and becomes a scary, gory ride where people don't always seem who they say they are. There are a lot of strange visuals on view and some nice art direction, but since Showtime was stingy and only sent me the screener of the first episode, I will have to watch the rest of the 10-episode season with you. The first episode sets up fish-out-of water American sharpshooter Ethan Chandler (Hartnett) arrival in London in a Wild West show and the way it affects African explorer Sir Malcolm Murray (Dalton) and spiritualist Vanessa Ives (Green) and all the other characters. Sir Malcolm needs Ethan's skills to help him find his missing daughter and soon Dr. Frankenstein and his Monster join in the search. Has Jack The Ripper returned after a three year absence? Since I love gothic melodramas and it looks like THE MENTALIST is not going to be renewed (Nope, It was renewed on August 10, 2014 for a final 7th Season. Yea!), this looks like my go-to show on Sundays at 10:00pm for 8 weeks. I'm afraid I can't tell you more because I'm just in the dark as you are, but this looks like it could be a mind-bending series that mixes fictional literary characters with new ones (I can tell you that Ethan and Dorian Gray have sex!). Only time will tell, but since Showtime no longer has DEXTER, this and RAY DONOVAN will be the channel's two cornerstone series (HOMELAND is showing its age as it returns for a fourth season and MASTERS OF SEX  doesn't appeal to me as it enters a second season [still, congratulations to Allison Janney for her 2014 Emmy Award® for Guest Guest Actress in a Drama Series, her second Emmy® of the year {her second was for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series for the sitcom MOM}], with a third season to follow in 2015.) that will either make Showtime a name to contend with or sink them like the Titanic. My vote if for the former. NOTE: The series has already been renewed for a second season. One June 16, 2015 it was renewed for a third season. NOTE #2: It seemed like the third season was the last, which took everyone by surprise (including myself) when they killed Eva Green's character in the final episode of the season and an end title card stating simply "THE END" was shown on screen. It caused a firestorm on the internet, but I found it to be the perfect ending for a series dripping heavy in gothic atmosphere. The fact that Showtime was able to keep the end of the series a secret is one of the most amazing parts. * CROSSBONES (Fridays 10:00pm) is the second pirate series of 2014 (Starz's BLACK SAILS was the first and was renewed for a third season on October 12, 2014 and then for a fourth season on July 31, 2015 before the third season even started.) and it is the third series on NBC to be shown in that time slot (the canceled DRACULA and the renewed HANNIBAL, which had one hell of a season-ender, were the other two) and it is also by far the weakest. The always enjoyable John Malkovich portrays Edward, a.k.a. Blackbeard the Pirate (although Molkovich only sports a small grey beard) and his band of mateys are infiltrated by Tom Lowe (Richard Coyle), the pirate-day version of James Bond, as he tries to destroy Blackbeard's business and catch him in the act of piracy, so everyone can see him hanging at the end of a rope. This once 10-episode series, cut down to 9 episodes, is pretty to look at (although some of the CGI is dodgy), but it is apparent that Malkovich is just slumming here and just having fun when he should be acting a litle more serious. The storyline is uninvolving and it looks like NBC doesn't have much faith it it, so don't look for it to get a renewal next season unless a miracle happens and it becomes a cult series (but I doubt that very much because it plays fast and loose with the time period it supposedly takes place in). As eye candy, the series is a dandy, but as a drama, best to go visit your mama. Hey, that rhymes! I'm not going to stick around to watch any more episodes and I am sure that I am not the only one. Hiring Malkovich to do a series was a genius idea, but to put him in something this ordinary and unimaginative was a bullshit idea. He could have been put into something much better than this, like James Spader was put on THE BLACKLIST. Oh well, live and learn. * Other TV news: The USA Network Spring 2014 series SIRENS, a dramedy about three paramedics (of course one of them is gay) and their antics on and off duty from Executive Producers Denis Leary and Bob Fisher has been renewed for a second season; Robert Rodriguez's new El Rey Network (which my cable company has yet to get) has renewed the Spring 2014 TV series version of FROM DUSK TILL DAWN for a second season; Speaking of second seasons, the second season of Lifetime Network's THE WITCHES OF EAST END began July 6, 2014; On September 2, 2014, it was announced that Fox's late Spring 2014 series, GANG RELATED, has been cancelled and there will be no second season, making SLEEPY HOLLOW the only new one hour network TV drama series to get renewed on the Fox 2013 - 2014 season.

GOODBYE DETECTIVE MUNCH & CAPTAIN CRAGEN

October 16, 2013: Goodbye to Detective John Munch and Richard Belzer from LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT (1999 - 2013). Not only was your character the longest-running role in television history, you managed to appear as the same character on a record number of shows, including most of the LAW & ORDER franchises; HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREET (1993 - 1999; where the character originated); THE X-FILES (a 1997 episode titled "Unusual Suspects"); THE BEAT (a 2000 episode called "They Say It's Your Birthday"); ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT (a 2006 episode titled "Exit Strategy"); THE WIRE (a 2008 episode called "Took") and 30 ROCK (a 2011 episode titled "¡Qué Sorpresa!"). You will be missed for your many conspiracy theories (a true-life Belzer trait, too), your sarcastic humor (especially about your many marriages and divorces), your black suit with dark sunglasses and fedora, some standout episodes of SVU and your longevity in a medium where time is usually short and not-so-sweet. Although many people (myself included) complained about your lack of substantial screen time in some of the episodes during the middle of the first decade of the New Millennium, you always handled yourself with grace and dignity. Although you rarely got an episode devoted solely to your character, when you did, they were some of the most memorial episodes of the series (The fifth season assisted-suicide episode titled "Painless", with guest star Marlee Matlin, was one of the best Munch-centric shows of the series, as was the eighth season episode titled "Uncle", where Jerry Lewis portrayed Detective Munch's mentally unstable uncle.), Here's to bigger and better things Richard Belzer! I hope we don't see the last of Detective John Munch. Thank you for over 20 years of entertaining television! NOTE: He pays Olivia Benson (Mariska Hargitay) a visit on the final episode of the 15th Season, so Retired Detective Munch is still around! And while we are at it, let's bid a fond farewell to Dann Florek, who played Captain Donald Cragen on both LAW & ORDER (from 1990 to 1994) and then on LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT (from 1999 to 2014; both from their pilot episodes). He was written out of the 15th season of SVU shortly after Belzer left the series due to him reaching mandatory retirement age of 63 in the police force (Florek is actually 64) and was replaced by Donal Logue as Lieutenant Declan Murphy after Mariska Hargitay had a short-lived command of the squad. Florek appeared in over 400 episodes of both series. He will also be missed. But the series has survived more than a handful of major cast changes and still goes strong. Only Hargitay is now an original member of the series. And why does she get more beautiful as every season debuts? Could it be because she inherited some great genes (from Jayne Mansfield and Mickey Hargitay, who are both no longer with us.)? As long as she is on the show, it will survive.

CODE RED FOREVER!

Say what you want about Bill Olsen and his Code Red DVD label (including Bill's sometimes combative and erratic behavior and taking nasty emails sent to him much too personally), but the fact is that he keeps turning out some kick-ass product. Most of his films are released without much fanfare and in limited quantities (usually, if you don't order the films within the first couple of months of release, you have to wait until Bill thinks they are ready to be brought out of the vault, a strange quirk of his that no one but him understands), but Bill has been releasing some rare nuggets including early Code Red/Shriek Show co-releases such as KILLER'S DELIGHT; TERROR CIRCUS (a.k.a. BARN OF THE NAKED DEAD) and SCREAM (1981), as well as contributing films to the short-lived Rare Flix triple feature box sets such as THE KILLER LIKES CANDY; THE NINJA STRIKES BACK; REVENGE OF THE BUSHIDO BLADE and LADY STREET FIGHTER. Code Red then struck out on their own, releasing such gems as DON'T GO IN THE WOODS (the very first Code Red-only release); J.P. Simon's THE FABULOUS JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH (The Second Code Red Release); director Don Jones' THE FOREST; the long sought-after uncut version of the 1981 gore film NIGHTMARE; the crazy-ass martial art/horror film DEVIL'S EXPRESS (a.k.a. GANG WARS); one of my most sought-after films, director Jack Weis' QUADROON; the long-forgotten, but excellent early-70's thriller BRUTE CORPS; director Mark L. Lester's GOLD OF THE AMAZON WOMEN; a new uncut print of the early-80's supernatural film EVILSPEAK; the unjustly ignored 1984 action thriller RUNNING HOT; the terrible SOV horror flick BOARDINGHOUSE; the stunt-filled CHOKE CANYON; the late Gary Graver's Halloween-themed TRICK OR TREATS; the motorcycle gang thriller SINNER'S BLOOD; a 30th Anniversary edition of the cult slasher film MADMAN; the uncut version of director Bert I. Gordon's THE POLICE CONNECTION (a.k.a. THE MAD BOMBER); the Wendigo-themed GHOSTKEEPER; the British-set murder mystery WEEKEND MURDERS; the violent actioner HEATED VENGEANCE; the extremely odd supernatural thriller HAUNTED (1976); the unjustly ignored 1972 thriller RIVALS; the gay-themed men-in-prison exploitationer CAGED MEN; the uncut version of director Richard Friedman's DOOM ASYLUM; the weird and otherworldly THE VISITOR; director Jim Sotos' excellent racially-themed slasher flick SWEET SIXTEEN; the undeservedly ignored mid-70's psycho-thriller THE LOVE BUTCHER; the first-ever home video release of the original uncut version of director Ernest Pintoff's BLADE (all previous home video releases were of the TV edit with most of the violence and nudity edited out and new scenes shot in 1979); the 1972 giallo THE DEAD ARE ALIVE; the fully uncut widescreen version of that 70's television staple THE WITCHMAKER; the Italian Post-Apocalypse film EXTERMINATORS OF THE YEAR 3000 (1983); director Enzo C. Castellari's sci-fi actioner LIGHT BLAST (which is mistakenly labeled as a post-apocalypse film); the racially-charged 1968 thriller IF HE HOLLERS, LET HIM GO!; the underrated VAMPIRE AT MIDNIGHT; the AIDS parable disguised as a horror film THE CARRIER; a two-disc Unrated Director's Cut of Brett Leonard's DEAD PIT; the 80's police actioner MACE; a two-DVD version of BEYOND THE DOOR; late director David Durston's syphilis-infected thriller STIGMA; the long-awaited uncut version of the vastly underrated supernatural possession film RETRIBUTION; the prison island actioner TERMINAL ISLAND; the badly-acted, yet weird CURSE OF THE BLUE LIGHTS; the groaner THE UNKNOWN COMEDY SPECIAL (where the supplements are more interesting than the main feature); the simply awful kitchen sink comedy NIGHT OF THE DRIBBLER; the New Orleans set gore film MARDI GRAS MASSACRE (which everyone should see at least once); director Bobby A. Suarez's crazy Filipino actioner DEVIL'S THREE (a.k.a. PAY OR DIE); the uncut version of director William Grefe's killer snake movie STANLEY; the uncut version of HORROR HIGH; the killer-monster-in-a-mine flick THE STRANGENESS; the vastly underrated MESSIAH OF EVIL; the incest-themed thriller JULIE DARLING (a.k.a. DAUGHTER OF DEATH); the excellently bizarre 70's slasher flick THE REDEEMER: SON OF SATAN; the long-awaited Bigfoot gore film NIGHT OF THE DEMON; the cheesy rubber suit monster flick SLITHIS; the Spanish post-apocalypse film THE PEOPLE WHO OWN THE DARK; the violent Italian/Spanish 1968 Western VENGEANCE; the Ernest Borgnine Italian sexploitationer (!) LOVE BY APPOINTMENT (shown in U.S. theaters as HOLIDAY HOOKERS); the Italian disco comedy THE FACE WITH 2 LEFT FEET (guess which film it parodies by clicking on the link) and so much more, including some great double feature DVDs, including: CLASS OF '74/GABRIELLA, GABRIELLA; INVASION OF THE BLOOD FARMERS/SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT; TERROR CIRCUS/SCHOOLGIRLS IN CHAINS; THE POSSESSED/DEMON WITCH CHILD; THE BEING/COPKILLERS; BLOOD MANIA/LAND OF THE MINOTAUR; SEEDS OF EVIL/THE TOUCH OF SATAN; THE VAMPIRES NIGHT ORGY/DR. JEKYLL VS. THE WEREWOLF; SCREAM (1981)/BARN OF THE NAKED DEAD; THE HOUSE OF INSANE WOMEN/THE NIGHT OF 1000 CATS; the uncut THE SEVERED ARM/SO SAD ABOUT GLORIA; ENCOUNTER WITH THE UNKNOWN/WHERE TIME BEGAN; SATAN'S SLAVE/TERROR; THE FOREST/DON'T GO IN THE WOODS; POSSE FROM HEAVEN/SEXUAL LIBERTY IN PRIVATE; STONEY/THE KILLER LIKES CANDY; VOODOO DOLLS/MADONNA...A CASE OF BLOOD AMBITION; CEMETERY GIRLS/VAMPIRE HOOKERS; DELIVER US FROM EVIL/THE FOX AFFAIR; WACKY TAXI/SUPERARGO; SWINGING SKI GIRLS/SHE'S 19 AND READY; the two late 60's Italian war films co-written by Dario Argento PROBABILITY ZERO/SULLIVAN'S MARAUDERS; the gory Spanish Western CUT-THROATS NINE/JOSHUA (a Fred Williamson PG-Rated piece of crap Western); the Tim Kincaid double feature RIOT ON 42ND ST./BAD GIRLS DORMITORY; the CHALLENGE OF THE DRAGON/THE NEEDLE AVENGER and THE GODFATHER SQUAD/BRUCE'S LAST BATTLE martial arts double features; the sexploitation double features TEENAGE HITCHHIKERS/TEENAGE TRAMP and JOCKS/CLASSROOM TEASERS, Bill's comic re-editing of two classic PD horror films NIGHT OF THE LIVIN' DEADZ/ZOMBIEZ (this is going to cause a rumble on the Internet for those who don't get the joke); a triple feature DVD (THE FEMALE BUNCH/PIRANHA PIRANHA/TARZANA THE WILD GIRL) and even a James Bryan triple feature (ESCAPE TO PASSION/THE DIRTIEST GAME IN THE WORLD/I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU NOT). As you can see, Bill and Code Red actually listen to their fan base and put out films that they ask for. Even if you don't agree with Bill's business acumen and sometimes harsh tone, there's no denying that he cares about what he does, so go HERE to see what is available for purchase at any given time and check back often, because what might be listed as "Sold Out" could be repressed and up for sale at any given moment. Be aware that he only accepts payment through PayPal, but he ships fast (I usually get my DVDs in four days or less!). I would personally like to thank Bill for giving us fans of obscure films the products we long for. See if you can get an invite to the Facebook Official Code Red site HERE (make sure you are logged on to Facebook first) to keep updated about what films are in Code Red's past, present and future, including their first two Blu-Ray releases, Lucio Fulci's VOICES FROM BEYOND (1991; also available on DVD) and Jeff Lieberman's JUST BEFORE DAWN (1981; also available on DVD). UPDATE: Bill has posted pre-books for four new DVDs (now all released), all action and martial arts oriented: FOXBAT (1977; starring Henry Silva); DEATH PROMISE (1977; starring Charles Bonet); DEATH MACHINES (1977; starring Ron Marchini) in its original aspect ratio for the first time on home video; and BLACK DRAGON'S REVENGE/THE BLACK DRAGON mid-70's martial arts double feature both starring Ron Van Clief. Bill has announced pre-orders (now available) of Blu-Rays of THE REDEEMER: SON OF SATAN (1976) NEON MANIACS (1986), MARY MARY BLOODY MARY (1975), THE NAIL GUN MASSACRE (1985) and SAVAGE STREETS (1984) for release in April 2014 and has plenty more releases coming in the next few months. Please, if you are a fan of the strange, unusual or just plain sexy, give Code Red a look and buy some of their releases. The new Blu-Rays come in a combo pack of five for $99.99 and save you over $10 if you were to buy them separately. Bill has also announced that the early-80's slasher film NIGHTMARE will also be released on Blu-Ray in early July, along with the horror film UNHINGED (1983) as part of a Don Gronquist double feature, the second film being MURDER RUN (1982; a.k.a. STARK RAVING MAD, which Gronquist produced and wrote, but did not direct), the post-nuke films WHEELS OF FIRE (1984) and the uncut version of EQUALIZER 2000 (1986), both directed by Cirio H. Santiago, and two as-yet unnamed action films will be released on DVD in the near future. Also look for DVDs of TOP OF THE HEAP (1972) and BUTCHER BAKER NIGHTMARE MAKER (a.k.a. NIGHT WARNING - 1981) to show up on DVD in the near future. UPDATE #2: Bill has announced releases of four Australian horror films: INN OF THE DAMNED (1974), NIGHT OF FEAR (1972), LADY, STAY DEAD (1981), all three directed by Terry Bourke, and THE NIGHT, THE PROWLER (1978) directed by THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW's (1975) Jim Sharman. He has also worked in conjunction with Scream Factory to release Blu-Rays of FINAL EXAM and EVILSPEAK. Sometime in July, 2014 Bill will release a slew of titles, including the Blu-Ray of 1981's NIGHTMARE; CAVE GIRL (1985; Star Daniel Roebuck put a Golden Ticket inside one of the DVDs and the person who gets it will receive some movie stuff from Roebuck's collection, but Bill has stopped selling them for some reason); two six film compilations, including SIX PACK VOLUME ONE (which contains the films MARK OF THE WITCH; ALL THE YOUNG WIVES; THE SWINGIN' PUSSYCATS; CRYPT OF THE LIVING DEAD; THE DEAN'S WIFE and THE TONGFATHER) and SIX PACK VOLUME TWO (which contains SWAP MEET AT THE LOVE SHACK; THE MURDER CLINIC; NAUGHTY SCHOOL GIRLS; SWINGIN' SWAPPERS; THE LONERS and THE SWINGIN' STEWARDESSES); along with three other movies listed above (I'll leave it for you to find out which ones). NOTE: William Olsen has been acting somewhat strange as of late (a lot of people would say, "So what? That's the way he usually acts."), but he has been acting a lot more stranger than usual and not releasing his films on the schedule he promised and has quit shipping overseas himself and has not supplied Diabolik with the discs he has promised overseas buyers (if he did, they all sold out in record time, which I highly doubt). Don May Jr., who runs Synapse Films, has offered to buy out Code Red, so we will have to see how this plays out, but since they are bitter enemies (the least said about the incident, the better), we will see how this plays out. Strange times indeed. UPDATE #3: September 20, 2014: After a long drought, Bill just announced the pre-booking of four Blu-Rays in a bundle: MESSIAH OF EVIL (previously available on DVD), REVENGE OF THE CHEERLEADERS, BROTHERHOOD OF DEATH and LADY, STAY DEAD for release sometime in mid-October 2014 (which I did buy). In less than a day, he no longer offered them as a four-pack bundle for $79.99, instead offering them as single discs only, stating that too many overseas customers were complaining. Since he no longer ships overseas himself and seems to have found some type of twisted logic in his mind (he has always shipped discs overseas, whether he was supposed to or not), he says that he is only allowed to ship the Blu-Ray MESSIAH OF EVIL overseas and not the other three films. If Bill keeps up this behavior, there will be no Code Red in the near future. Let's see if he supplies Diabolik with enough copies of MESSIAH OF EVIL to satisfy overseas customers. Meanwhile, overseas customers have to rely on American friends to purchase the DVDs and Blu-Rays for them and then ship them to their foreign addresses. Since overseas customers amount to almost 40% of Code Red's customers, there seems to be a lot going wrong here and it is the customers who are suffering. For five years Bill was shipping every title he released overseas and now he finds a conscience? Is this any way to run a DVD company? Or did he get some type of warning from some license owners of the films he sells? Bill is staying mum on the subject and would rather forget about every one of his customers unless they live in North America (yes, Canada can get every title, but they will have to use Diabolik to get them (because Bill or Brad [who is handling things in Seattle until Bill's unknown return] do not want to fill out Customs forms); and pay much more for the privilege). Is it any wonder Code Red customers are moving over to Bill's brother Walter's Scorpion Releasing for a much more stable release schedule and knowing the exact date when titles are going to be released (not to mention that Walter is opening his own store in the first week of October 2014 [which was pushed back, but you can still buy some of his titles at his temporary Big Cartel store at scorpionreleasing.bigcartel.com])? Surprises are fun, but when you are nowhere near your vault to release what has already been pressed (and issue no press releases on the dates they will be released), customers begin to leave you in disgust. And his Facebook group is run like the Gestapo, which should come as no surprise since the head moderator likes to dress up in Nazi clothing and point her gun at another woman's head. My infatuation with Code Red is rapidly fading. Bill has no one to blame but Bill. Scorpion seems to be releasing the better titles now, except for the Cirio H. Santiago post-nuke and Andy Milligan's films that Bill has, but who knows when they will be released? UPDATE #4: Bill Olsen has announced that three Andy Milligan films will be released on Blu-Ray sometime in the middle of November, 2014 (Turns out it was the end of November since Bill had an "accident" where a bunch oh heavy boxes fell on him and he injured the left side of his body. coughbullshitcough). They are BLOODTHIRSTY BUTCHERS (1970); TORTURE DUNGEON (1970) and THE MAN WITH TWO HEADS (1972), but still no word on BLOOD (1974) which Bill also has the print and rights to and is probably Milligan's best (and most accessible to non-Milligan fans) horror film. And the Code Red website has finally been updated after more than a year of showing the same DVDs (some of which are now OOP) on the homepage. UPDATE #5: In December 2014, Code Red is offering the following films for sale: A Blu-Ray of EERIE MIDNIGHT HORROR SHOW and DVDs of ZEBRA FORCE (one of my favorite WTF action films of the 70's); the early-70's obscure thriller MY OLD MAN'S PLACE; director Mark Pirro's 80's horror comedy DEATHROW GAMESHOW; double feature DVDs of SUPER STOOGES VS. THE WONDER WOMEN/AMUCK; FORCE FOUR/THE GUY FROM HARLEM; and SIX PACK VOLUME THREE (which Bill says will be the last because the other two volumes sold so poorly, or as he puts it on the back of this volume's DVD cover: "Six duds in one big set. Surely you must like one of them."). He keeps opening and closing his Big Cartel store because he only takes 20 to 70 orders at a time, closes his store, mails the orders and then reopens the store without telling anyone. He supposedly gave 500 copies (including 126 copies of MESSIAH OF EVIL) of his September 2014 Blu-Ray Four Pack to www.diabolikdvd.com in late November and they sold out in less than an hour (yeah, right). I'm glad he has begun releasing films again, but he still ignores his overseas fanbase (he seems to revel in the drama), calls his customers names, such as "horders" (sic), puts down the films he releases (on the back of one DVD cover it says "Pointless Code Red Trailers") and runs his business without making much sense at all. I ask you, is this any way to run a DVD company? UPDATE #6: May 3, 2015: Three new Blu-Rays appeared on the Code Red Big Cartel store, THE OBSESSED ONE (which I really, really want!); THE DEVIL'S WEDDING NIGHT (I'm kind of indifferent to this one) and NIGHT CHILD (good, but nothing special), but an hour after they were posted, they were deleted. I'm sure that they will return on and off again throughout the next few months, but it would be nice if the titles stayed on the store so people could buy them at their convenience, not Code Red's. Bill has also posted two new DVDs for sale: THIS IS A HIJACK (1973) starring Neville Brand and a double feature DVD of TRIP WITH THE TEACHER (1974)/JAIL BAIT BABYSITTER (1977). After a half-dozen tries, I finally managed to score all the new titles. UPDATE #7: May 26, 2015: Code Red, like Scorpion Entertainment (run by Bill Olsen's brother Walter), announced some exclusive Blu-Ray titles to be sold only by Screen Archives Entertainment. The titles are: SHAKMA (1990); RETRIBUTION (1987; which Code Red already released on DVD) and Tobe Hooper's SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION (1989). Hopefully, Code Red will offer all of their future releases this way, because overseas customers will be able to purchase them (even though they are more expensive than what is offered on Bill's Big Cartel store). UPDATE #8: In one of the gutsiest moves in Code Red's history, William Olsen has released three of late Filipino director Cirio H. Santiago's post-nuke films on Blu-Ray. They are WHEELS OF FIRE (1984); EQUALIZER 2000 (1986; it it's uncut form, the first time in the U.S.) and THE SISTERHOOD (1987). Since I am a HUGE Cirio H. Santiago fan, I ordered these from Screen Archives Entertainment as soon as they became available (and they were delivered to me four days later). Here's hoping that Bill Olsen continues to take chances like this (Blue Underground released a trio of Italian post-nuke films around the same time) and get all of Santiago's post-nuke films, such as STRYKER (1983), DUNE WARRIORS (1990) and RAIDERS OF THE SUN (1991) on DVD or Blu-Ray. If he does, I'll be one of the happiest people in the world. Buy these discs, people, and let Code Red thrive! UPDATE #9: Since I have quit Facebook and all their bullshit, I no longer have anything bad to say about Bill, because he keeps his Big Cartel open without closing it down, allowing me to purchase some OOP DVDs that would have cost me a lot more from Amazon Sellers or on eBay (His store is chock-full of back-dated goodies, but make sure you click on the "All" button to see the second page of DVDs & Blu-Rays or you'll be missing out on a lot of goodies.). He also has released a few more Blu-Rays on Screen Archives Entertainment that are exclusive, including Andy Milligan's THE RATS ARE COMING...THE WEREWOLVES ARE HERE (1972) and LEGACY OF SATAN (1972)/BLOOD (1974) (thanks for BLOOD, Bill, and it looks like it's in its uncut form for the first time on home video!), making me a very happy man. Other Code Red Blu-Ray exclusives are TERROR CIRCUS (a.k.a. BARN OF THE NAKED DEAD - 1974; which has already been released three times on Code Red DVD) and the Italian crime film THE SICILIAN CONNECTION (1973) starring the late Ben Gazzara. I have to say I am delighted to see Code Red thrive and Bill doing so well. Now, if he would just answer my emails! UPDATE #10: It looks like Code Red is strictly in the Blu-Ray market now, as they haven't released a new DVD (except for SPLITZ - 1982) in over half a year. Their newest Blu-Ray releases are three Cirio H. Santiago treasures released by Screen Archives Entertainment only: THE DEVASTATOR (1985), SILK (1986) and DUNE WARRIORS (1990; with 15 minutes of footage restored that Roger Corman edited out. A special shout-out to Bill for releasing this one since I've been wanting it on disc for a long, long time.). He also released some Blu-Rays of his previous DVD releases in his Big Cartel store. Time for DVD-only people to upgrade because these Santiago & Milligan Blu-Ray titles look like they were filmed yesterday! Not all of Bill's recent releases need to be on Blu-Ray, but I really appreciate the time spent to put together the Milligan films. And it couldn't have been easy with the Santiago films, either. But films like CUT-THROATS NINE,  NAIL GUN MASSACRE, THE STRANGENESS, THE PEOPLE WHO OWN THE DARK, BRUTE CORPS and THE VAMPIRES NIGHT ORGY were perfectly fine on DVD. No need to upgrade. UPDATE #11: More new Blu-Rays available only through Screen Archives Entertainment, including an unexpected KNIFE FOR THE LADIES (1973), EYE IN THE LABYRINTH (1972), WHITE GHOST (1987; uncut for the first time on home video) and late director Ivan Nagy's vastly underrated DEADLY HERO (1975). UPDATE #12: April 12, 2016: Bill has finally released a batch of new DVDs that are available on his Big Cartel store only. Some of the titles include (all the films are in anamorphic widescreen): SPASMS (1982); a double feature of THE NIGHT THE PROWLER (1978)/DEVIL WOMAN (1973); and the amazing MARIA'S KUNG FU MAYHEM, which is five 1970's Hong Kong & Chinese martial art films on two DVDs. There are even more titles, which I will be buying and scanning when Bill re-opens his Big Cartel store. UPDATE #13: July 14, 2016: Bill Olsen continues to surprise. After watching the trailer on nearly every Code Red release, Bill has finally released FAMILY HONOR (1973) on Blu-Ray, along with the late Wayne Crawford-starrer HEADHUNTER (1989) and the Bert I. Gordon's original R-Rated version of NECROMANCY (1972; it was cut theatrically for a PG Rating and then it had softcore orgy footage added to it and was released  Unrated in 1983 on VHS by Paragon Home Video as THE WITCHING, also on Blu-Ray for the first time on home video (I ordered it immediately and received it in three days! Lucky for me I did, because it looks like it sold out. NOTE: William Olsen actually pulled the Blu-Ray from his store because it was the PG-Rated Version and not the hard-to-find original R-Rated Version as it says on the sleeve. This is the reason why small labels get called names. I ordered the other two titles a couple of days later and received them in two days! Thanks, Bill, but next time at least do some investigation of the film versions you are releasing.). Bill also has plenty of other surprises on the horizon (He just released MANIAC! [1977] and THE BLACK GESTAPO [1975] on Blu-Ray with reversible covers on his Big Cartel store), including a slew of Italian horror (HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK [1979] anyone? How about THE SLASHER a.k.a. SO SWEET, SO DEAD [1972]? Or AFTER THE FALL OF NEW YORK (1983)?) and thriller films (He made a deal with a huge Italian distributor) and other slasher and exploitation films from the 70's & 80's. Now if he would only get rid of that stupid banana suit and quit ragging on other labels! Code Red has been on a literal tear, releasing most of their DVD's into Blu-Rays and also releasing some other films (like THE ELECTRIC CHAIR - 1975; TRAPPED - 1981; BLASTFIGHTER - 1984; TWISTED NIGHTMARE - 1987 and HAPPY HELL NIGHT - 1991) on a regular basis. You would have to have a small fortune in the bank to buy all their new product. UPDATE #14: December 2017: Bill has released a ton of new Blu-rays, including some exclusive to Diabolik, including the double feature LIGHTNING BOLT (1966)/THE RESURRECTION OF ZACHARY WHEELER (1971; which is considered the first feature film shot on videotape and transferred to film for theatrical release); DEVIL WOMAN (1973)/DRAGONS NEVER DIE (1974; an original U.S. theatrical double feature!) and a beautiful print of one of my favorite horror films, BUTCHER BAKER NIGHTMARE MAKER (1981; a.k.a. NIGHT WARNING), complete with reversible sleeve. UPDATE #15: February 2018:  Code Red has joined forces with new label Dark Force Entertainment  (which I believe is a sub-label of Code Red) to release a series of Blu-Ray double features. The first double feature Blu-Ray contains the LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT clone CHAOS (2003) along with an anamorphic widescreen version of DON'T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT! Bill has also released a beautiful, uncut Blu-Ray of CUT AND RUN (1985), complete with cardboard slipcase and a reversible sleeve. See my review HERE. UPDATE #16: New Blu-Ray purchases include THE APARTMENT ON THE 13TH FLOOR (a.k.a. CANNIBAL MAN - 1972) and EMMANUELLE AND THE DEADLY BLACK COBRA (a.k.a. BLACK COBRA WOMAN - 1976). UPDATE #17: February 2019: Some recent Code Red Blu-Ray purchases include VIOLENT PROFESSIONALS (1973); THE GREAT ALLIGATOR (1979); JUNGLE HOLOCAUST (1977) and GIALLO IN VENICE (1979) and MURDER-ROCK: DANCING DEATH (1984; The last two by Scorpion Releasing, but let's not nick-pick!)). I heard Bill Olsen had to be transported to the hospital. Here's hoping he makes a full recovery and continues churning out these rare titles! UPDATE #18: September 2019: Back in early 2017, Bill Olsen announced he was going to release THE MUMMY'S REVENGE (a.k.a. VENGEANCE OF THE MUMMY - 1973/1975) on Blu-Ray. Imagine my surprise when Bill's brother, Walter Olsen, and his label Scorpion Releasing just released the film on BR, in an uncut "extended composite cut" (91 min), as well as the 89-minute "shorter version". There are no extras on the disc, but I have been waiting for an uncut version to be released in the States before I would review it. I owe Paul Naschy at least that much. Look for a review soon.

I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE (1978 & 2010 VERSIONS) ON ENCORE

February 16, 2014: One of the Encore pay cable channels just ran the uncut version of Meir Zarchi's I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE (1978). They advertise it as the R-rated version, but believe me, it is the uncut version. I thought it was a misprint on my DVR and they were actually going to show an R-Rated version of the 2010 remake, but imagine my surprise when I saw it was the uncut print of the original version. I still like the 2010 version better (of which a sequel was made in 2013), but it took balls to release this 70's classic of rape and vengeance on TV. As far as I know this was the first time it was ever shown uncut on television. Or shown on television at all. Too bad it was a fullscreen version, but for people who have never seen it and watched it for the first time (especially the bathtub penis slicing), it must have been quite the eye-opener with continuous rape, both male and female full-frontal nudity and shocking bits of violence. I remember showing this on VHS to a bunch of friends (mostly female) during the early 90's while we were down at the Jersey Shore and they still talk about it till this day. It's one of those movies that never leaves your brain once you have seen it. To show it in its full uncut glory on TV took guts. I checked for the next two weeks and it is not on their schedule to be shown again, but just showing it once is a milestone in TV. It's not like when FX aired a heavily edited version of Wes Craven's LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972) on their channel. This was the real unadulterated deal. Bravo, Encore. Bravo. What's next, NEKROMANTIK (1987)? UPDATE: Encore Suspense has two showings on Saturday April 19, 2014 starting at 11:05 PM. Set your DVRs! NOTE: Encore Suspense also showed the 2010 remake on September 1, 2014 in widescreen. It was advertised as the R-Rated version, but it was also the Unrated version. I'm impressed that even pay cable stations would show these films. UPDATE #2: On April 9, 2016, Encore Suspense showed all three recent movies, including Part 2 (2013) & Part 3 (2015). Just like before, they advertized them as the R-Rated Versions, but they were actually the uncut versions.

BEST HORROR ZINES AND BOOKS OF 2014: ZINES

1) WENG'S CHOP - a recently new zine (20 issues so far, which includes 3 half issues and a #0) that covers everything from American to Mexican, Malaysian and other foreign weirdness. Not available by subscription, but issues can be picked up easily online from Amazon. A great read from beginning to end. I really loved the article and interview in Issue 3 with the owner on Mark IV Productions, who made those religious films like A THIEF IN THE NIGHT, A DISTANT THUNDER, IMAGE OF THE BEAST and THE PRODIGAL PLANET in the 70's & 80's. Be prepared to spend hours with each issue, because most issues are binded and run over 100 pages. This is not your father's home-made zine. One of my favorites as soon as I started to read the first issue. Editor & Publisher Brian Harris and Editor & Designer Timothy Paxton have turned out a zine full of rare ad mats and photos from films you likely never heard of before. This should be an instant buy for readers of this site. NOTE: Issue #5 is an astounding 265 pages long. This sucker is not a magazine, it's a fricking book! And a fricking good book at that. Another major plus is that there are no advertisements, which makes the 265 pages all meat and no filler. What are you waiting for? Go to Amazon and order it ASAP! NOTE #2: Issue #6 is another monstrosity; a staggering 240 pages of everything you could demand in a horror magazine and more. Author Steve Fenton does his usual amazing job in Part 2 of his extensive article of jungle women films (you'd be surprised how many there are!) and lists reviews of all the films that start with the letter M to the letter Z; Brian Harris writes about the trilogy of Japanese RAPE ZOMBIE films (new to me); writer George Pacheco writes about the STAR WARS rip-off films of director Al Bradley (a.k.a, Alfonso Brescia); Author Troy Howarth writes about the WIP films of director Jess Franco (my least favorite director, but the article is good); There's a great long collaborative article by Brian Harris and George Pacheco about the waning years (1987- 1992) of Italian horror films, with extensive reviews of all the films of the period (my second favorite article of the issue); Writer Peter Davis has a look at the SAW MASSACRE trilogy (so far) of films. If you never heard of SAW MASSACRE, don't worry. They are just German retitlings of films like KNOCK KNOCK (2006) that can be found on this website; Writer Louis Paul writes a nice article about mostly 70's pornography films that contain horror elements; Brian Harris interviews Andrew Allan of Cult Movie Mania, who releases films like BLOODY BLOODY BIBLE CAMP (2012), usually in both VHS and DVD incarnations; Harris also interviews horror artist Kelly Forbes and illustrator/comics creator Joe Deagnon; Phillip Root does an extensive article on the low-budget 1985 gore film BITS AND PIECES and talks to director Leland Thomas, who explains how Trans World Entertainment made him remove some gore shots from the VHS release (photos of which we see in the article) and that all the missing film shots were destroyed, although he still retains a 1" tape master of them; My favorite article of the issue: a collaborative look and review of all the mid-Century beach films, whether horror-based or not. This article runs for over 30 pages and is chock-full of information of films you may have never heard of before; Stephen R. Bissette takes a look at the 1964 HORROR OF PARTY BEACH photo comic (I still own mine from when I originally bought it as a kid); Bissette also does a great article on fairy tale horror films; A long overdue look at what films Godfrey Ho used as the basis of his cut-and-paste films by writer Jeff Goodhartz (I hope this is a continuing article in future issues); An obituary section by Steven Ronquillo; a bunch of film reviews for movies not usually given the respect they are due; another article on Jess Franco, this time Greek VHS tapes of his films and so much more.  It's about time everyone jumped aboard the WENG'S CHOP train and enjoyed the ride. It only costs a measly $12.00 and will give you the satisfaction that so few horror zines today do. NOTE #3: Issue #6.5 is a digest-sized 109-page special issue that is smaller in size and page numbers, but still has the high level of writing we come to expect from Brian, Tim, Tony & Steve. After a mostly funny series of editorials about Halloween by Brian, Tony and Tim (who still manages to throw in a couple of little-known Indian family-friendly fantasy films into his editorial), there's a 25-page review section of genre films from the 1950's & 60's (THE LEECH WOMAN - 1960) till today (WEREWOLF RISING - 2014), some (like writer Steve Fenton's review of the Jack Palance-starrer CRAZE - 1973) getting more space than others. All the reviews are written by different people and are enjoyable reads that make you want to go out and buy some (which I plan to do on Amazon once I am done with this review). We then move to the interview section, where the first person to be interviewed is director Daniel Stamm (THE LAST EXORCISM - 2010; 13 SINS - 2014; both films I found highly entertaining) by writer Art Stevenson, which covers Stamm's career in films from the beginning and is very informative. The next article is Stevenson's interview with director Marcus Dunston, who was the architect of the SAW film franchise (2004 - 2010) and directed the effective home invasion flicks THE COLLECTOR (2009) and its sequel THE COLLECTION (2012), which were twisty, booby-trapped horror films. Next up is Louis Paul's collection of reviews of 70's porno films, back when porno had a plot as well as hardcore sex. I'm not a big porno fan, but Louis could make ice an interesting subject to Eskimos. Following that is Part 1 of George Pacheco's overview of strange director Mario Siciliano, who made Italian porno films, while directing weird non-porn films like EVIL EYE (1974) and ROLF (1983; his last film). Siciliano made 16 films between 1974 and 1983, the majority of them being hardcore porn films. Pacheco does a great job of describing the films of this obviously deranged director and I can't wait to read Part 2. Next up is Brian Harris' article on the six most ridiculous shark films of the past nine years and I couldn't agree with his choices more (He wisely avoids the SHARKNADO franchise because we all know how awful they are), although I do like HAMMERHEAD: SHARK FRENZY (2005), just for the stupidity of it all. Author Stephen R. Bissette then goes into a lengthy review of director Kevin Smith's horror film TUSK (2014), which he advises those who have not seen the film not to read his article until they do (I'm also in the minority of liking Smith's other horror film RED STATE - 2011). I have seen the film and agree (mostly) with Stephen's assessment of it. Up next is the strangest article in the issue: Writer James Bickert's pairing of the top 10 pumpkin beers and the films each one should be watched with. I don't know where James (a.k.a. "Dirty Uncle Jimbo") came up with this novel idea, but it sure as hell was an entertaining read. We then move on to Tony Strauss' article on the lesser-known Halloween animated TV specials, many that haven't been shown after they originally aired. Did you known The Grinch made a Halloween special? Well, he did, in 1977. Following that is Christos Mouroukis and Christoforos Theodorou's career retrospective of Greek director Nikos Nikolaidis, who is best known to western audiences for directing the violent and controversial SINGAPORE SLING (1990), but as you will read, he made much stranger films than this and was also a novelist and TV commercial director, to boot! The always-enjoyable Steven Ronquillo then offers his recollections of his favorite 70's & early-80's Halloween TV shows, including THE PAUL LYNDE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL (1976; the expression on Lynde's face when he first looks at rock group KISS is priceless!) and the highly effective 1981 Halloween horror film, THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW. The issue closes out with a review of author Lee Lambert's book "The Illustrated History Of Don Post Studios" and bios on all the writers who contributed to this issue. Once again another winner of an issue, which is all information and no advertisements. Please pass on the information to all your friends how good WENG'S CHOP is and how nothing in the DIY zine universe comes close to this in sheer informational and entertainment value. NOTE #4: WENG'S CHOP still holds the mantle for best DIY zine well into 2015. The only thing I wish is that it was published on a regular schedule like sister zine MONSTER!. But each issue is giant in page numbers (with no advertizing) and well worth the wait.
2) EVILSPEAK - The debut issue of this professionally made horror zine should be an instant buy for anyone who loves horror films from around the world. Although subscriptions are not yet avaialable, you can buy the debut issue on Facebook (Search "Evilspeak Magazine") and pay through PayPal. I got my issue about four days after I ordered it. The first issue covers everything from Paul Naschy's HORROR RISES FROM THE TOMB, a detailed story about late horror/film reviewer Chas Balun, an interview with Heather Langencamp, detailed reviews of the BLOOD ISLAND trilogy, MOUNTAINTOP MOTEL MASSACRE, THE DEMON LOVER, TOURIST TRAP, EVILSPEAK (the film of which this zine is named after) and an interview with Ulli Lommel and a review of some of his earlier films (thank God they weren't of his later films!). There is much, much more enjoyment for the horror film fan and Publishers/Editors Billy & Vanessa Nocera, with assists from Donald Farmer, Mike Howlett, William Sievers and artists like Reuben Splatterbeast (I have some of his original artwork hanging in my living room), along with plenty of photos and ad mats, have turned out an excellent first issue that I hope has a very long healthy life. NOTE: Issue #2 has been released and it is another excellent issue with a great layout (one article about facial deconstruction surgery in the movies is impressively written like it is a record of medical care that you would find in a hospital!). There are also articles on LADY FRANKENSTEIN; NIGHT OF THE WEREWOLF; THE BEAST WITHIN; a detailed look at Skywald Horror Comics (Remember them from the 70's? I do.); a detailed look at the underrated film DISCIPLE OF DEATH; a Mom and Pop Video Store retrospective (probably my favorite article of this issue); a look at director Jean Rollin's FASCINATION and star Brigitte Lahie; writer Aaron Christensen's look at six different horror films and the threads that connect them all; a look at the film THE FEMALE BUTCHER; a detailed review of TWINS OF EVIL; a detailed look at director Joe D'Amato's BUIO OMEGA (a.k.a. BURIED ALIVE and BEYOND THE DARKNESS) and the musical score of Goblin; reviews of HARD ROCK ZOMBIES and KILLER PARTY by writer William Sievers; a look at 80's sword 'n' sandal films; a look at more of Joe D'Amato's exploitation career, including ANTHROPOPHAGOUS (a.k.a. THE GRIM REAPER); a review of DAWN OF THE MUMMY; still another detailed review of BLOOD ON SATAN'S CLAW; various reviews of other horror films of the 80's; a nice article by writer John Walter Szpunar about buying bootleg VHS tapes when it was your only way of seeing foreign films like THE DEVIL'S WEDDING NIGHT and many others; a look at late directors' Joseph Larraz's VAMPYRES and Juan Lopez Moctezuma's ALUCARDA (a.k.a. SISTERS OF SATAN) and a whole bunch of other stuff crammed into 105 pages of pure bliss, including artwork by Reuben Splatterbeast. Issue #2 also comes with a toe tag from "D'Amato Morgue", a nice little extra. In other words another winner of an issue. Here's hoping EVILSPEAK lasts a long, long time. NOTE #2: Still waiting for Issue #4 to drop (Issue #3 was the size of a book and crammed full of great articles), since they promised it was going to be over 300 pages long. Now that's dedication! NOTE #3: Issue #4 dropped and it's a giant 210 page monster, crammed with articles (including a Pete Walker/David McGillivray retrospective; glad I'm not the only one who is a fan of THE COMEBACK  [1977; not written by McGillivray] and Amando de Ossorio's BLIND DEAD films), artwork and some well laid-out pages. There's a reason this is one of my favorite zines (even though it is more like a book) and I keep an extra issue in my bathroom for those long dump breaks (That's a compliment, not a put-down.). Get on Amazon and order a copy ASAP. NOTE #4: Issue #5 (200 pages) will be the beginning of the zine being published once a year. So we will have to wait until November 2017 for Issue #6. (UPDATE: Sad to say, it looks like EVILSPEAK is gone for good).
3) MONSTER! - Founder/Editor/Jack-Of-All-Trades Tim Paxton has revived his old publication and I am glad to report that if your thing is for monster films, than this is the publication for you. Filled with reviews of monster films from around the world, Issue #2 (it is published monthly) is filled with reviews from America, Mexico, India and Hong Kong for a lot of films I never heard of, so each 66 to 70 page issue (professionally bound like Paxton's WENG'S CHOP, but in a digest format) was a wellspring of new information to me. That makes it an essential purchase. Subscriptions are not available, though individual issues can be purchased online from Amazon. Everyone likes monster films, but learning about monster films you never heard of before just makes it all the sweeter. NOTE: Issue #3 is now available and if you like Bigfoot films or monster films from Canada, this is a must-buy issue. And Steve Ronquillo continues his excellent article on the monster films of India's The Ramsay Brothers. I may have to move this zine up a number or two if it gets any better! (and it probably will). I would also like to thank Issue #3 for making me take a chance on seeing PACIFIC RIM (2013). What a great film! I would have passed it by if not for Brian Harris' review. NOTE #2: Issue #4 is now available and it is its regular great read, especially author Douglas Waltz's "Bottom Of The Barrell Bigfoot" article of reviews of the worst recent Bigfoot films that escaped on home video for public consumption. Sorry to say that I have already seen most of them and could have used this article months ago. NOTE #3: Issue #5 has now been released and is it has its usually excellent writing. It has an article on the Filipino BLOOD TRILOGY that blows the article in GRINDHOUSE PURGATORY #2 out of the water, mainly because writer Louis Paul tosses-in his personal history with those films. Seriously, if you want to learn about monster films from all around the world you have never heard of before, you can do not better than MONSTER! This issue has many reviews (including a lengthly review of OCTAMAN and one of my 80's favorites, ISLAND CLAWS), as well as a timely retrospective of Godzilla films and other juicy goodies. If I haven't convinced you on buying an issue (it's only $5.00, for crying out loud!), then you just plain don't like monster movies. And I pity you. NOTE #4: Issue #6 has just been released and it's another winner. Inside its 74 pages are really informative articles on THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN OF THE HIMALAYAS, THE CYCLOPS, recent Mummy movies, a really well-written article on THE DUNWICH HORROR (1970) and how star Dean Stockwell brought something fresh to his role as H.P. Lovecraft's Wilber Whateley (detouring from Lovecraft's version and adding a hippie aspect to the proceedings), "found footage" monster movies (God, how I hate them!), Dracula movies and the usual reviews of monster films from around the world that many of you probably never heard of (and thankfully, I'm not the only one who thinks FRANKENSTEIN'S ARMY is unique, even if it is considered a "found footage" film). So get off your fat lazy asses and buy this issue now. Hell, stay on your fat bums and order it from Amazon off your computer! NOTE #5: Issue #7 contains the usual excellent reviews of monster films around the world, plus special features of sexy vampire films (complete with nudity), Taiwanese and Indian fantasy films (some of them you have to read to believe!) and articles on HAND OF DEATH (1962) and THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN (1977) and and Steven M. Ronquillo's interview with director Christopher R. Mihm, who directed the 2013 throwback to 50's monster films, the ultra-low-budget THE GIANT SPIDER, which Ronquillo reviews after the interview (I may just have to buy this one!). Another outstanding issue that even has a review of the first episode FX's new series THE STRAIN. NOTE #6: Issue #8 may be the best issue yet. Editor/Jack-of-all- trades Tim Paxton continues with Part 5 of his look at the House Of Ramsay, India's premiere film company of monster weirdness (Can't wait for the book Tim!). I always learn something new with these articles and it wants me to see them all the more. Greg Goodsell looks at Roger Corman's NOT OF THIS EARTH (1957) and the two remakes (1988 & 1995) and offers more information on the movie then I ever heard of before. Great article. Brian Harris interviews 13 EERIE (2012) and WOLFCOP (2014) director Lowell Dean. If you haven't seen the movie, I suggest you do. There's a slew of monster movie reviews, including an extended review of KNIGHTS OF BADASSDOM (2013) by Adam Parker-Edmondston. An extended and detailed look at all the Paul Naschy/Waldemar Daninsky werewolf films in chronological order by writer Louis Paul and where you can find them for purchase. (Naschy is a horror hero of mine, which is why his obituary, along with Forrest J Ackerman's, will never be taken off the home page of this site). Stephen R. Bissette takes a long look at pre-1970's fungus horror films (Why has no one thought of this before and why is the theme song for THE GREEN SLIME now occupying my brain?). And, of course, the always helpful movie checklist at the end of this 74 page zine which allows you to locate any film reviewed in the issue by just looking up the title, along with tidbits of information about each film not mentioned in the actual reviews themselves. All zines should have this feature because it make looking up a title extremely easy. Please support this zine by buying all the issues you may have missed and if you haven't bought an issue yet: Shame on you. One of the few zines I read in one sitting from cover to cover without looking at the clock and watching the hours click away. Another great job, Tim! NOTE #7: Issue #9 hit Amazon in late September and it's another interesting issue. It opens with Stephen R. Bissette's lengthy and informative article on the 1959 Swedish monster film RYMD INVASION I LAPPLAND (a.k.a. TERROR IN THE MIDNIGHT SUN) and the Jerry Gross re-edit (with added scenes of John Carradine)  which turned it into the incomprehensible 1962 mess INVASION OF THE ANIMAL PEOPLE, (much in the same way REPTILICUS was treated). It shows how Jerry Gross made his bones early in his career by recutting foreign films and then selling them to theaters and TV. Definitely an interesting retrospect, complete with interviews of late screenwriter Arthur C. Pierce and late director Virgel W. Vogel, who both offer their personal experiences working on the film and what was done to it after they finished it; extensive reviews of plenty of monster films around the world, including VOODOO BLACK EXORCIST (1973) and ESCAPE FROM CORAL COVE (1986). We then go to Part 1 of writer Steve Fenton's look into the killer cat genre (they're not quite werewolves, but just as dangerous), as he starts from the beginning of the genre, with 1946's THE CATMAN OF PARIS and works his way to the TV film THE CAT CREATURE (1973) for the first installment of this excellent series. Tim Paxton then does my favorite part of this zine, writing Part 6 of his exhaustive examination of the monster films of India's infamous House Of Ramsay. The sheer amount of monster films they turned out cries for some DVD company to subtitle these films on DVD or Blu-Ray and release them in the U.S. All Tim had were mostly badly-mastered VCDs or Indian-language only DVDs. If more people (besides the Indian population, that is) watched these films, they would become instant classics because of their sheer weirdness. But the same goes for the Hong Kong horror films I have been touting for years on my website, but they still don't have the audience they deserve. I'm glad Tim does this series, because there are some of us in the U.S. interested in these films and appreciate him doing us the favor. You get all this for a measly $5.00. If you like monsters, $5.00 is all you need to get your monthly fix. I can't go an issue without buying some film they review or talk about. If that's not what is excellent about this zine, I don't know what else is (besides the excellent writing). NOTE #8: Issue #10 has streeted just in time for Halloween 2014 and it is a giant 100-page ad-free monstrosity (that's a good thing!). After a funny editorial by co-editor Tim Paxton about Halloween costumes and what MONSTER! stands for, he begins the issue with a review/insight piece on the non-Ramsay Bros. Indian monster film KHOONI PANJA (1991; a.k.a. "Bloody Hand"), which flopped at the Indian boxoffice, but still sounds interesting. A girl named Pinky is possessed by the corpse of the ex-wife (her hand reaches up from the dirt and grabs Pinky before she is able to struggle free) of the husband who murdered her in the graveyard where she caught him with his future bride (ah, a graveyard, how romantic!), vowing revenge on all those who have anything to do with her husband. Too bad that Pinky is about to become the sister-in-law of the murderous husband and his ex-wifey won't let a shallow grave keep her down. All kinds of supernatural things happen (Pinky's eyes glow when she is possessed), including the appearance of a monster that in Tim's words "reminds me of William Sach's THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN (1976)" and that's all I needed to hear for the film to pique my interest. You'll have to read the rest of the review for yourself. Tim then goes on to review a 2014 Indian monster film called CREATURE 3D, which also bombed at the box office and has some terrible CGI, but Tim makes me want to see it anyway. We then get four monster film reviews, including ANTHROPOPHAGUS (1980; a.k.a. THE GRIM REAPER), its supposed sequel ABSURD (1981; released here in the States as MONSTER HUNTER), CASTLE OF BLOOD (1964) and HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH (1982; where the monsters are mostly implied rather than shown), all written by different reviewers. Noted author/researcher Troy Howarth then does a really nice article on the Cornish Horror films that Hammer Films made in the early-to-mid-60's (complete with some nice photos and comic art). Writer Louis Paul then takes us on a welcome journey back to the monster films and shows made expressly for television in the 70's, including such MFTV gems as THE NIGHT STALKER and THE NIGHT STRANGLER (1973), which led to the sadly short lived KOLCHAK: THE NIGHT STALKER TV series (1974-1975). It's a fun look back at a time when watching original movies for TV was an event because we didn't have 500 channels of reality TV to choose from. God, I miss those days! Steve Fenton then gives us his second part (continued from Issue #9) on the Killer Cat genre, this time avoiding the films that came from the West (like NIGHT OF 1000 CATS and THE CORPSE GRINDERS) and concentrating on those that came from the Far East. I guarantee than you haven't heard of many of them and this lengthy article goes all-out to make you want to track them down so you can watch them. Thankfully, Fenton offers an appendix of what companies has these available on disc and VHS (but a lot of them still remain unavailable to Western audiences). It's a great piece and a nice history of a genre hardly written about. Let's hope Steve does a Part 3 in the near future. There are plenty of American (EYE OF THE CAT - 1969), Canadian (THE UNCANNY - 1977) and Italian films (SEVEN DEATHS IN THE CAT'S EYES - 1973) that deal with killer kitties. Writer John Harrison does a nice retrospective piece on remembering Don Post masks (remember those ads in FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND?) and gives us a photo tour of his creations. Finally, author Steven R. Bissette does my favorite piece in this issue, which is surprising to me, because I was never a fan of comics. But he takes a look back at the horror comics of the early 60's, giving us a large history of what company put out what stories and the troubles with the by-then outdated Comics Code and then goes on in length to discuss the one comic story that I did read and it kept me up for weeks. It was titled "The Monster Of Dread End..." and concerned a giant snake-like creature with a giant claw instead of a head and how it chased a boy around town, Now I grew up around snakes in the wild and was never scared of them, but this story was the most violent thing my six year old mind had ever laid eyes upon (especially the ending) and it wasn't until the introduction of the no-holds barred comics zines CREEPY and EERIE (along with other non-Warren Publication horror comic zines) in the 70's that I would finally get that image out of my mind. I was never a big buyer of horror comics, but did pick up some due to their lurid covers, but nothing (besides the comic Bruce Jones wrote that Dario Argento would based his episode of MASTERS OF HORROR called "Jenifer" on in 2005) will ever get that final image out of my mind. Thanks, Steven R. Bissette, for bringing up old nightmares. And that is a compliment! The only thing I miss here is Tim Paxton's continuing series of the monster films of India's House Of Ramsay, but there is so much to read and learn from here, I can wait another issue to get my Ramsay fix. This issue is a steal at $5.95 so get to ordering it ASAP! NOTE #9: Issue #11, shipped at the end of November 2014 and was renamed KAIJÜ! for this issue only. If you don't know what Kaijû is, you really need to catch up on your giant monster knowledge.This is a larger than normal 93-page issue and it is full of many interesting articles, photos, drawings and ad mats on monster films, most of them the giant monster kind. The issue opens with a series of reviews by different writers of giant monster films from around the world, my favorite being Steve Fenton's review of the highly awful nearly 30-minute short FEAR FORCE FIVE (2013), which was presented as three 9 minute chapters (I saw them on YouTube) and was directed by Jack Perez using the pseudonym "Ace Hannah". Since Perez is a person known for directing and writing the extremely bad CGI films from The Asylum (MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS - 2009), it should tell you how bad this short film really is and, therefore, should be seen by anyone who love crappy giant monster films, but shortened by nearly one hour. Believe me, when you see a shark pop out of the giant monster's (dressed as a pirate!) left eye to chow-down on what is obviously a doll, you'll either be laughing hysterically or looking at your watch and wondering "Can thirty minutes actually be this slow?"  After the extensive reviews, we then come to the "The Great Giant Ape War Of 1976/1977", where writer John Harrison compares director Paul Leder's loony Korean-made A*P*E (1976); director Frank Agrama's abysmal kitchen sink comedy QUEEN KONG (1976) and director Ho Meng Wa's extremely enjoyable THE MIGHTY PEKING MAN (1977; originally released to U.S. theatrical audiences as the slightly edited GOLIATHON). It's an extremely interesting article on how films from around the world tried to copy the Dino De Laurentiis remake of KING KONG (1976). We then get examples of great artist Alex Ward and his paintings of Japanese Kaijû flicks, including the lost Tura Satana-starrer VIOLENT PLANET (1968; it seems that not only the monsters were giant!). We then go on to an extensive article about all the Quatermass theatrical and TV films and the people that played Professor Quatermass. It is an enlightening and incisive look at the history of the eventual Hammer series by the always knowledgeable Louis Paul. We then get to my favorite article in this issue: Author Stephen R. Bissette's 26-page look how the film GODZILLA VS. MEGALON rocked him and the father and son sitting behind him in theaters during 1976. It is not only a fun nostalgic look at the past, but also an informative piece of Godzilla history up until that time, how readers of FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND hated articles and cover art on Japanese monster films (I did not know that), how much footage distributor Cinema Shares International cut from the film in order for it to receive a G-Rating (some of the edits make sense, but most of them don't.), the incredible story of how it was shown in Prime Time on NBC in a one hour time slot in 1977 with host John Belushi donning a cheap Godzilla suit and doing his shtick (!), and how the film fell into public domain hell and was released on many budget VHS versions in unwatchable condition over the years (The full version has since been released uncut on widescreen DVD by Media Blasters.). Steven has a way of putting old fogies like myself into his shoes and make you feel like you were actually there watching the film with him. This is a great piece of writing. The issue ends with Steve Fenton and Tim Paxton's Movie Checklist, where more information on the films discussed in the issue are presented and who distributes them in case you would like to purchase any of them. It's a useful guide which every genre zine should have. Another great issue that is worth twice the $5.95 price tag. NOTE #10: Issue #12, the last issue of 2014, is the (un)usual mixture of monster movies known and unknown and is a great read from beginning to end. We begin with an in-depth review of THE ALLIGATOR PEOPLE (1959), which also happens to be on the cover, by Dennis Capicik. Very well-written. We then have another well-written (by Troy Howarth) in-depth review of Tobe Hooper's LIFEFORCE (1985) and how the extended cut is the preferred version (I agree). I think this film is very under-appreciated and Troy gives it the respect it deserves. Then there are a series of reviews, both short and long, of such monster films as Bert I. Gordon's chintzy giant grasshopper film BEGINNING OF THE END (1957), CELLAR DWELLER (1988), the unbelievable Filipino fantasy film THE BOY GOD (1982), WAR OF THE GARGANTUAS (1966), the stupifyingly bad Bigfoot flick CRY WILDERNESS (1986) and a negative review of ABOMINABLE (2004), which I couldn't disagree with more. Writer/Editor Tim Paxton then gives us Part 7 of his look at India's infamous House Of Ramsay and his writing and reviews of films I never heard of before only makes me want to learn more (Tim is writing a reference book of Indian genre films, which I can't wait for). Next-up is writer Adam Parker-Edmondston's 12-page look at the weirder moments in zombie films, mentioning dozens of zombie films both past and present, including SHOCK WAVES (1977), THE DEAD HATE THE LIVING (2000), ZOMBEAVERS (2014) and many more, some that you may have heard of and many you may not have. It's a great article. Writer Steve Fenton then delves into the life of 30's & 40's Western movie star/professional movie gorilla Ray "Crash" Corrigan, who also played the title creature in IT! THE TERROR FROM BEYOND SPACE (1958; his last film). Steve talks about Crash's life and times (he died in 1976 at the age of 74) and the hopefully upcoming biopic of his career. It's my favorite article in this 105-page issue. Louis Paul then writes reviews on monster films where eye creatures were the main attraction, including one of my favorite 50's horror films, THE CRAWLING EYE (1958). Another excellent job done by Louis. Stephen R. Bissette then writes a 24-page article on the giant monster film THE GIANT BEHEMOTH (1959) and makes a good argument on how this film was unfairly maligned when it was originally released. There is so much information in this article, it just might make you want to buy the film (I already own it). The issue then closes out with the always informative Movie Checklist (written by Steve Fenton & Tim Paxton), where we are given the availability and further comments of every movie mentioned within the pages. If you want to ring-out 2014 in grand style, order this issue ASAP! A steal at $5.95. NOTE #11: MONSTER! just keeps on getting better, which is why I continue to show their new covers well into 2016. If you still havent ordered this zine, go to Amazon and do a search for "Tim Paxton". It's the easiest way of finding this much-needed genre zine. I believe Stephen R. Bissette's extensive two-part article (in Issues # 17 & #18) about the search for a little-known film called THE GLASSHEAD (1998) should win a Rhondo Award™ for best-researched article. One of the best reads I have had in a long, long time. I'm a sucker for stories about "lost" films (I'm still on a quest to find a print of Charles Nizet's VOODOO HEARTBEAT [1972] for the past 30 years, which would make an interesting story in itself) and Stephen hits this one out of the park. I am now searching for an original VHS of this film. I'm not holding my breath, though, since so few were made. I hope to see a Rhondo on Stephen's mantle next year! If not, there is something seriously wrong with their voting process. NOTE #12: The special double issue, #28 & #29 (April - May 2016) is an amazing 217 pages long and there is not one article in it that won't hold your attention. Screw James Patterson's 150-page "Bookshots", this is what reading material should be. And it will take you a full day to read it without stopping for bathroom or meal breaks. Even the extra-large "Movie Checklist" is more informative than most genre zines on the market. IMPORTANT NOTICE: MONSTER! will now be published on a bi-monthly schedule beginning with Issue 30 instead of a monthly schedule. While my heart sank a little, it is totally reasonable when you factor in Tim Paxton's hectic business schedule (he has an actual job and just doesn't write, edit and do the layout for his zines)  and, more importantly (you have to know Tim to understand how important this is), his family life. Waiting two months instead of one for an issue is a small price to pay when you factor in all that criteria. NOTE #13: Issue #31 is over 260 pages (it looks more like an oversized paperback book than a zine) and their usual "Monster Checklist" for this issue contains more information than one issue of most professional horror zines! I particularly liked the film reviews and history of Baltimore's late Don Dohler and Baltimore-based actor George Stover (who appeared in nearly all of Dohler's films as well as the films of John Waters.). Stover appeared in one of my favorite Dohler films, BLOOD MASSACRE (1988), which turns out to have quite an interesting production and criminal history. This was the film that made Dohler give up filmmaking for over 10 years. Ah, the perils of low-budget filmmaking. NOTE #14: Issue #32 is an amazing 361 pages long. You'll get cramps in your wrists and fingers if you try to read this issue in one sitting. HORRIBLE NEWS: Tim Paxton's sister Heather, who suffered from physical and emotional problems and spent her life in a wheelchair, passed away on June 10 2017. My condolences to Tim (who loved his sister like no other brother ever could) and his family for their awful loss. NOTE #15: After waiting nearly a year, Issue #33 drops and it is an amazing 369 pages. I'm in the middle of reading it now. Full review when I gain my sight back!
4) GOREZONE - FANGORIA editor Chris Alexander has revived the long-dead horror zine and made it a full-color glossy zine. The zine is not available by newstand, so you will have order a subscription or a single issue at www.fangoria.com. Alexander has numbered the issue to correspond with the last issue in the 90's and the zine does a good job covering the independent horror scene, as well as retrospective articles on gore films of the past (issue #30 deals with the cannibal films of Umberto Lenzi like MAN FROM DEEP RIVER and CANNIBAL FEROX), interviews with CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST's Robert Kerman and AUGUST UNDERGROUND's Fred Vogel, some great gore photos, a two page poster, tips from Tom Savini and a multipage pinup photo spread of some scream queen I never heard of (my least favorite article). All of what I described can be found in Issue #30. NOTE: Issue #31 has a sexy photoshoot and centerfold with actress Danielle Harris (she's still one of the worst of the new horror actresses, in my opinion), a cover story on the GUINEA PIG series of films, a TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE retrospective (which belongs in FANGORIA rather than in this zine), a CIRCUS OF THE DEAD set visit, actress Tara Cardinal interview (I know, who?), Part 1 of a Jess Franco retrospective (yawn), makeup tips from Tom Savini, a look back at FORBIDDEN WORLD, an interview with porn actress/director Joanna Angel (who does all those porn horror remakes like FUCKENSTEIN - 2012) and a lengthy article on one of my favorite horror movies of the New Millennium, DEADLY END (review on this site). My only problem with this issue is that besides the photos that accompany the GUINEA PIG films, there is very little gore on view. NOTE #2: Issue #32 is a marked improvement over the issue before it, thanks to more bloody photos and some articles that are interesting. It starts off on the right foot with an interview with Claudio Fragasso as he reminisces about helping late director Bruno Mattei with the film HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD (a.k.a. NIGHT OF THE ZOMBIES); an article/interview with Jake West and Marc Morris about the U.K.'s video nasties days (complete with some nice full color video covers); Tim Lucas' article about the best horror reference books available (a bore for me since I owned most of them years and years ago); a look at Russian director Andrey Iskanov's bloody horror films, including the nearly four-hour PHILOSOPHY OF A KNIFE; a look at little-known L.A. director/producer/writer Adam Ahlbrandt (CROSS BEARER - 2012; THE CEMETERY - 2013), who should be moving on to bigger films because he has real talent; An original PIECES centerfold; an interview with Felissa Rose and Jonathan Tierson as they remininsce about filming SLEEPAWAY CAMP and the superb Scream Factory Blu-Ray; a talk with director John Bloom and the making of BLOOD BEACH (including a photo of the rapist getting his junk ripped-off by the sand monster; now this is what GOREZONE should be all about!); more Tom Savini makeup tips; this time on how to turn a real-live person into a nearly headless corpse that moves; a short interview with Sean Donahue, the co-director of DIE DIE DELTA PI; a look on how Jim Wynorski's first directorial effort, THE LOST EMPIRE, finally made its appearance on DVD; an unneeded article about Misfits member Doyle Wolfgang Von Frankenstein (once again proving that editor Chris Alexander can't help but show his music roots in magazines that have no place for music unless it is about horror soundtracks); a look at the troubled production history of SPOOKIES (probably the best article in this issue); the second part of a multi-part article on Jess Franco (it is better than Ambien if you are not a fan of this director, of which you can count me in on); and a couple of other articles to fill up space. I still think charging $11.99 for a 52 page full color zine is a might steep, but there is some interesting things to be found within the pages and this time the photos are getting gorier, which finally lets the zine live up to its name. NOTE 3#: Issue #33 (the last issue of 2014) is exceptional in two ways: First, it has a lengthy and well-written (by John Torrani) article on the "Death Tapes" that were released in the 80's & 90's, thanks to the success of the first FACES OF DEATH (1978), but since FOD was eventually exposed to have more faked footage than actual death footage, it really doesn't count as a "Death Tape". The article is well-researched and full of rare VHS scans (including the simply horrible DEATH IN FOCUS - 1989) and Torrani declares the TRACES OF DEATH series (1993 - 2000) the best Death Tapes in a crowded field because all of the footage was real (I concur). The second thing is the article on Wes Craven and his involvement in pornography during the 70's. The article (written by Joseph Maddrey  and excerpted from his book "Beyond Fear") makes a strong case that Craven directed (there's no doubt he starred in it, but didn't perfom in the sex scenes) the 1975 porn film THE FIREWORKS WOMAN, using the pseudonym "Abe Snake". Even though Craven refuses to acknowledge that he directed it (but he hinted at it in interviews throughout his career), Maddrey offers too much proof to the contrary to doubt that Craven did direct it. Great article that makes me want to buy his book. There is also an article on whether the torture film MEN BEHIND THE SUN (1988) is educational or exploitation; a short interview with director James Cullen Bressack (MY PURE JOY - 2011; TO JENNIFER - 2013); an interview with Italian screenwriter Antonio Tentori (ZOMBIES: THE BEGINNING - 2007; ARGENTO'S DRACULA - 2012); articles on three horror films, KILLER RACK (2014), THE TURNPIKE KILLER (2009) and AMERIKAN HOLOKAUST (2013; all with photos that break the boundries of good taste, which should be shown more in this zine); a re-discovery of the long-forgotten horror film RED VELVET (2009); another interview with a little-known scream queen (in this case it is Chanel Ryan); and yet another interview with a heavy metal music artist, this time Anthrax's guitarist Scott Ian. Gorezone is finally starting to live up to its name again. NOTE #4: I quit my subscription at the beginning of 2015 because I was tired of seeing wasted pages of this thin zine being devoted to Heavy Metal bands, Who wants to know Black Sabbath's albums by chronological date? I sure as hell don't. I'll buy a music zine if I want to know or look it up on WikiPedia., which I am sure the writer of this article did. It has no place in a zine called GOREZONE. Chris Alexander should start his own music rag if he wants to cover the Heavy/Death Metal scene. NOTE #5: With the departure of Editor Chris Alexander in late 2015 and the downfall of FANGORIA as a print zine (it is available as a digital download only in the .pdf format, although owner Tom De Feo promises he will bring it back to print form. Do not count on it, since he owes writers thousands of dollars), it looks like GOREZONE is dead again after Issue #35. Hey, who wants to pay $70.00 for a six issue 50-page per issue subscription with 25% of the page count being ads?
5) DELIRIUM - If you are a Full Moon fan than this is the zine for you. Publisher Charles Band, with an assist from FANGORIA and GOREZONE's editor Chris Alexander, have turned out a full-color zine that covers everything Charles Band, even from his Empire days and before. There's lots of never before seen photos, a main article on RE-ANIMATOR, a story on musician Richard Band, an article written by Stuart Gordon, a Celeste Yarnall retrospective, an extensive article on TOURIST TRAP and even a Japanese RE-ANIMATOR centerfold poster. While the zine is a slim 52 pages, there is plenty of eye candy to stare at (don't be fooled by the zine's cover) and a lot of information on Charles Band's career. You cannot buy this at stores, but you can get a subscription at www.deliriummagazine.com. If you are a Full Moon junkie, this zine is a must. NOTE: Issue #2 is a marked improvement over the premiere issue. It has more stories and less ads and some of the stories, including the history of THE BLIND DEAD series is quite interesting. There's even interviews with the lovely Lone Fleming and not-so-lovely, but fun, Kenneth J. Hall (very informative from a historical standpoint), lots of nice color photos to go along with an interview with Carolyn Purdy-Gordon (including the infamous cut  eyeball sucking scene that she receives from Jeffrey Combs in the Stuart Gordon film FROM BEYOND), Part 2 of the Stuart Gordon interview and a nice centerfold poster of the third Blind Dead film THE GHOST GALLEON. Add articles on new films like PMS COP, the streaming series TROPHY HEADS, naked photos of Full Moon actresses and other articles on Charlie Band films and what you have is a really big improvement from the first issue. So much for the sophomore slump. NOTE #2: Issue #3 is a thin 50 pages long with lots of advertising, but there are some informative articles and interviews. First up: A retrospective on the original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE complete with a pretty good interview with director Tobe Hooper; a report on the Empire Pictures documentary; more TROPHY HEADS coverage; photos of Charles Band's 2014 Roadshow; a funny report on the demise of Wizard Games' Atari versions of TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE and HALLOWEEN and how they lost Band hundreds of thousands of dollars (most stores at the time wouldn't carry the games because of their violent content!); an interview with director Ted Nicolaou about his film TERRORVISION; an interview with star Jeffrey Byron of METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN; an interview with actress Geretta Geretta and her role in the Italian film, RATS: NIGHT OF TERROR; a Japanese TCM centerfold poster; the artwork of Ryan Brookhart, who designed many of Full Moon Pictures' DVD covers; an interview with writer Kent Roudebush and his un-PC film OOGA BOOGA; Part 2 of the interview with Carolyn Purdy-Gordon; Part 1 of William Shatner interviewing Stan Lee (WTF?); and, finally, an interview with director Dave Parker (THE DEAD HATE THE LIVING - 2000; THE HILLS RUN RED - 2009). Most of the articles run a page or two, except for the Tobe Hooper and Dave Parker interviews, which makes me believe that this issue was turned out rather quickly and without much thought. So far, it is the worst of the issues released. NOTE #3: Issue #4 (which should be called the All-Interview Issue) is a marked improvement of the previous issue and contains a great interview with Lisa Petrucci, wife of the late Mike Vraney, who founded Something Weird Video in 1990 and how she is going to keep the label alive (that is great news for fans of the label, which includes me). We then have an interview with director Frank Henenlotter, who was instrumental in helping Vraney get a deal with Image Entertainment (even if they had to make trims to films that Image deemed "hardcore") and had his own line of films on Something Weird Video ("Frank Henenlotter's Sexy Shockers", which included one of my all-time favorite films SATAN'S CHILDREN - 1974). Then there are one page interviews with Herschell Gordon Lewis and Jimmyo Burril (THE CHAINSAW SALLY SHOW). There is also a longer interview with Fred Olen Ray about his film SIDESHOW (2000). An interview with Spanish director Victor Matellano and his new film WAX. A nice interview with Full Moon regular Tim Thomerson and a nifty German VHS centerfold of TRANCERS (1985). We then have an interview with John Lechago and how his good ultra-low-budget film BLOOD GNOME (2003) led to him directing a series of KILLJOY films for Charles Band and Full Moon. We then have a pretty decent interview with Skinny Puppy musician-turned-actor Nivek Ogre, who starred in such films as REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA (2008) 2001 MANIACS: FIELD OF SCREAMS (2010) and SCREAM PARK (2012). Also in the issue are interviews with director Mick Garris; new director (and wife of great director Neil Marshall) Axelle Carolyn; director Chuck Russell of THE BLOB remake (1988) and his great horror film career in the 80's; and non-interview pieces, including a review of Vampira book, VAMPIRA: DARK GODDESS OF HORROR, by author W. Scott Poole and Part One on the History of Horror Comics. Missing is Part 2 of William Shatner's interview of Stan Lee, but that was the most useless article in the previous issue. Not bad for a fourth issue and better than most they have turned out so far, thanks to some rare photos and ads, all in color. NOTE #4: Issue #5 (the final issue of 2014) is probably the best issue yet because it deals with zombie and cannibal films of the past. The first article is with director Ken Wiederhorn, who directed what some consider the first Nazi zombie horror film, SHOCK WAVES (1977), and the interview (by Fangoria and Gorezone editor Chris Alexander) is informative and full of great photos, posters and ad mats. Chris then writes the next article about two terrible Nazi zombie films, ZOMBIE LAKE (1981) and OASIS OF THE ZOMBIES (1982), both originally released on big box VHS by Charles Band's company Wizard Video and which one is worse (OASIS wins by a hair). We then move on to a rare interview with actress Me Me Lai, who starred in the first Italian cannibal film, director Umberto Lenzi's MAN FROM DEEP RIVER (1972), and starred in a few more cannibal films (Ruggero Deodato's JUNGLE HOLOCAUST - 1977; Lenzi's THE EMERALD JUNGLE - 1980) and other movies before retiring from acting in 1984. This is her first published interview since her retirement and is therefore a must-read for Italian cannibal film enthusiasts. We then have a short one page review of two of late director Bruno Mattei's latter-day cannibal flicks: CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST: THE BEGINNING (a.k.a. MONDO CANNIBAL - 2003) and IN THE LAND OF THE CANNIBALS (a.k.a. LAND OF DEATH - 2003), both recently released on no-frills DVDs by InterVision Picture Corp.. Believe me, they don't deserve more than one page. We then move on to a short two-page interview with Zach Galligan about his work on WAXWORK II: LOST IN TIME (1991) and a nice French centerfold poster of OASIS OF THE ZOMBIES. David Jay then does a nice three page write-up about the creation of Stuart Gordon's CASTLE FREAK (1995) and offers a lot of tidbits of information you may not know about it, including some words from Gordon himself and some photos and artwork you may never have seen before (including a graphic full-frontal photo of the Freak himself). There is much more on view here, including an interview with Jeff Burr and the creation of the horror anthology THE OFFSPRING (1987), the joining of Tom Holland and Tim Sullivan to form TNT Presents, interviews with actor Jeffrey Byron (METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED SYN - 1983) and actress Lin Shaye (2001 MANIACS: FIELD OF SCREAMS - 2010), a look at the films of Andy and Arlene Sidaris, Part Two of A Brief History Of Horror Comics (very informative) and reviews of Blu-rays and DVDs from around the world. Charles Band also makes an important (and welcomed) announcement on the final page (©2014 Delirium Magazine). This zine keeps getting better, but my only complaint is that some of the articles are way too short and need to be elaborated on more. All in all, still an above average issue. NOTE #5: Still reading this zine in 2015 and it keeps on getting better and better. NOTE #6: Unlike FANGORIA or GOREZONE, it looks like DELIRIUM is still thriving.
*(HONORABLE MENTION) TAPE MOLD - Though not as professional looking as any of the above zines, publishers Dan Kinem and Ally Orlando love VHS and this zine is their love letter to the outdated format (which is making somewhat of a head-scratching comeback by boutique labels looking to make a quick buck. But I digress.). Dan and Ally show their love for the format in Issue #3 by interviewing Sharyl Noday, who did many of the VHS covers for Raedon Home Video and A.I.P., an interview with Helen Halloran about her role in ROCK 'N' ROLL MOBSTER GIRLS (1988), an interview with director/skateboard professional Todd James Falcon Cook (DEMON DOLLS - 1993), still another interview with Fred Olen Ray regular Ted Newsom and a video spotlight on AIR Video, among other things (including an unneeded 7 page comic by "artist" Jimmy Squarejaw). Dan also runs the website VHShitfest.com (who released a director-approved DVD of the extremely bad 1992 SOV flick HELLROLLER, which is filled with loads of entertaining extras, and director Donald Farmer's 1992 INVASION OF THE SCREAM QUEENS) and was co-director of the great VHS documentary ADJUST YOUR TRACKING (2013). If you like to learn more about VHS and the role it played in our society before Blu-Ray snobs took over the home video market, I recommend that you order a copy of Tape Mold. NOTE: It seems like this is the last issue because the website to order issues is no longer in operation and the Facebook page hasn't been updated in nearly a year. Too bad.

BOOKS

1) XEROX FEROX - Although it is only the last week of March 2014 as I write this, I doubt the rest of the year will turn out a better book than this huge, 800-page monster (written by John Szpunar) that deals with all manner of horror zines from the beginning till now (only Tim Paxton gets a mention in this book because the zines I mention above are brand new, but Tim has been publishing zines for a long time). If you are looking for my zine, CRITICAL CONDITION, in this book, you will be disappointed because my subscription base was smaller than 500, but don't let that turn you off from buying this hefty book. Filled with interviews of the founding fathers of amateur and pro-zines (including the late, great Andy Copp), all who tell very interesting stories about the trials and tribulations of keeping a zine up and running. Since the book, which is digest size, but humongous, weighs a lot, expect some handstrain, but it is worth it, since some of the stories will keep you captivated and for people like myself that published a zine, can identify with. You will not be able to read this giant tome in one day (I'm still reading it after three days of three hours each day), but you will enjoy every minute. Let me make this absolutely clear: You don't have to do anything with creating a zine to enjoy this book. The stories are entertaining, some of the covers reproduced inside brought a rush of nostalgia and readers of zines throughout the decades will dig this book. From Headpress Books and available online on Amazon. My highest recommendation.
2) WORLD GONE WILD - Are you like me and love movies that deal with the post-apocalypse or any film that deals with the impending doom of a post-nuke future? Then you are going to love author David J. Moore's comprehensive, large 435-page book that lists all these films in alphabetical order and has interviews with the people who made them. What I like about this book, besides the rare full color photos, posters, VHS and DVD covers that fill this book up (not a black & white photo to be found on any of the pages), is that there are films within these pages that I never heard of and I consider myself a connoisseur of this genre of film (I review dozens of them on this site, my favorite being the Italian ones). It is apparent David J. Moore is an expert in this genre and fills the pages with information and interviews that you have never read before and you actually learn something about why this genre of film is so popular (but not as popular as it should be, in my opinion.). Mr. Moore had a terrific turnout for his book signing  in Burbank, California on the book's debut and he sold every copy (and had some damn good guests that showed up to support him, including Steve Barkett, the director/actor of one of my favorite U.S. post-apocalyptic films, THE AFTERMATH - 1978 and he even has an interview in the book), This is bound to go out of print very fast (I don't know if Moore has a deal with Schiffer Publishing Ltd. for a second printing), so pony-up the hardcover book's $34.99 price (even less if you are an Amazon Prime member) and be prepared to spend a few days learning about this particular sub-genre of the science fiction film. The book is as up to date as it can be, covering films up to the year 2013, so drop what you are doing, log on to your computer and order this excellent tome of films that describe what mankind could be like if nuclear war, disease, nature gone amok, germ warfare or any other disaster turns our planet into one where only the strongest survive. Essential reading for fans of these kind of films and very well written. I tip my hat to David J. Moore.
3) BRITISH CULT CINEMA: THE AMICUS ANTHOLOGY - For those of you that think British horror only consisted of Hammer films, author Bruce G. Hallenbeck (a frequent contributor to the Hammer Films professional fanzine LITTLE SHOPPE OF HORRORS) is here to remind you that there were other British production companies turning out excellent horror films during the 60's & 70's. Although Amicus was known for making all kinds of horror films, Hallenbeck wisely sticks to the anthology films that Amicus turned out from the mid-60's to the mid-70's. Starting with a foreward from Amicus anthology director Kevin Connor and then a prologue that tells the story about how anthology films started (back to 1919!) and listing and explaining the plots of various anthology films from the 20's to the 60's (and it's a great read full of info you never read before as well as being profusely illustrated with stills and posters of the films), Hallenbeck gets down to Amicus anthology business, starting with their first anthology DR. TERROR'S HOUSE OF HORRORS (1964), not only explaining the film, but describing how Max J. Rosenberg and Milton Subotsky came to come together and form Amicus Productions ("Amicus" is Latin for "friend") and how their CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD (a.k.a. HORROR HOTEL - 1960), although listed as a "Vulcan Production" is actually the first Amicus Production. Hallenbeck then goes into detail about casting and shooting DR. TERROR'S (including pages from the actual script), giving the reader information not available to them before, as well as each episode's plot synopsis. Hallenbeck does the same thing for the rest of the Amicus anthologies: TORTURE GARDEN (1967); THE HOUSE THAT DRIPPED BLOOD (1971); TALES FROM THE CRYPT (1972); ASYLUM (1972); THE VAULT OF HORROR (1973) and FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE (1975), giving us plenty of black & white photos, ad mats, photos and other paraphenalia (with a center section of the film's posters and photos in color) to please both the reader and those who just like to look at photos they have never seen before. Along the way, Hallenbeck describes the trials and tribulations that Rosenberg and Subotsky had to go through to get their films made and there are anecdotes about other films in the Amicus canon. Hallenbeck closes the book with a look at anthology films after Amicus from around the world and how a small British company changed the course of the horror film. Besides a few mistakes made by publisher Hemlock Books (none of it has to do with Bruce Hallenbeck's excellent writing) regarding wrong headers and missing icons on pages (it's really not that distracting and only anal people like me will notice), this is the book you want to read if you love British horror films other than those put out by Hammer Films. My hope is that Hallenbeck takes on other British horror production companies like Tigon British Film Productions and Tyburn Films, along with the non-anthology films of Amicus. I would be a truly happy man. Great job, Bruce!
4) THEY CAME FROM WITHIN: A HISTORY OF CANADIAN HORROR CINEMA - Author Caelum Vatnsdal updated his ten year-old book of everything that is Canadian horror (filmwise) and I have to say, since I am a fan of Canadian films in general (not just horror, but action and martial arts films as well), this is the book you want if you love Canadian horror films, right up to the year 2014 (There's a poster for Astron 6's THE EDITOR - 2014 [they also did the extremely graphic and funny FATHER'S DAY - 2011 and the indescribable MANBORG - 2011] in the book's copious color center section, a film that I have been dying too see since I heard about it about a week previously). Mr. Vatnsdal breaks down the Canadian horror film industry (first starting with a Foreward by David DeCoteau, which was written for the first edition) from the beginning right up to the present and covers the book in rare photos rather than the usual posters and ad mats (The center section is reserved for most of the color posters) and it's an interesting and entertaining read from beginning to end. Since I never owned the original edition (which only covered films up to the year 2004), this was like a history lesson for me, especially the way Canadians were ashamed of their tax shelter horror films of the late 70's & 80's; most of the films that I happen to love. What I particularly love about this book is that it not only talks about the films, but the people themselves, from the directors, producers, screenwriters, special effects teams, film financiers and other people at length, so you not only get to know the films, but a history of the people who made them. So if you like a history of Canadian horror films, dating back to the 1910's to 1961's 3D extravaganza THE MASK, right up until 2014's WOLFCOP, this is the book for you. There's an appendix at the back of the book that lists all the films in alphabetical order with their complete credits, so this book is a must for Canadian horror film junkies like myself. I know there are a lot of you out there who feel the same way as I do, which is why I was able to score the final copy that was available on Amazon at the time. I hope they get more because this is a great primer on learning about the creation of Canadian horror films. I've seen a couple of other books and websites that deal with this subject, but believe me, this is the book you want if you need to know the complete history.

ANGRIEST HORROR ZINE OF 2014

1) GRINDHOUSE PURGATORY - Publisher and Editor-In-Chief 42nd Street Pete (a.k.a. Pete Chiarella) is one of the angriest zine publishers today. Right off the bat, on Issue #2 of this black & white zine of everything Grindhouse, he states on the cover you "Must be OVER 18 to purchase AND you must be able to actually READ!!". Yeah, that will get people to buy your zine. Pete doesn't really care, though, because inside the covers is some of the worst bile spilled from a person's mouth, mixed in with reviews of grind house films of the 70's & 80's. While some may enjoy Pete's style of writing (he also has guest writers who do a much better job), he just can't let go of things that happened in his past and uses this zine as an outlet to get revenge on those people he believes have wronged him. (One example: "Mainstream horror mags suck a huge AIDS-infested cock." and then goes on to praise SHOCK CINEMA. And then there's another article in the zine written by Pete called "FULL MOON FEVER Or: Getting Fucked By Chuck"). While some of the other articles written by other writers are interesting (even though I strongly disagree with author Annie Riordan's list of recent lousy remakes), there's an air of hostility that runs through the zine's 64 pages. Pete says this may be the last issue because all the money comes out of his own pocket (yeah, right!) and I hope he's right, because the horror world doesn't need this much negativity in its life. I think it's time for 42nd Pete to retire and leave the new zines to the people who can write a story without attacking someone's personal life. That went out with Rick Sullivan's GORE GAZETTE in the 80's. You know not much thought went into making this zine when he states on the Contents Page, "No part of this publication can be duplicated in any way without permission of the publisher. Except for the photos. The pictures we already stole. Knock yourself out." and then doesn't give credit where he stole the photos from (although some seem very familiar to me). The last pages in this issue is Pete's story on massage parlors from the late-60's until the 80's in New York City. What a way for a perfect unhappy ending. Not recommended unless you like to read an angry person complain about his life and the lives (and deaths) of others. I have better things to do with my life. Issues 1, 2, 3 & 4 are available from Amazon if you like the masochistic lifestyle. NOTE: I have been hearing that Pete is pissed off at me for naming his zine the Angriest Horror Zine Of 2014. All I can say is a lot of people like this style of writing and any publicity is good publicity. I have Issue #3 on its way (a postal mixup has delayed its delivery), but I will read it and then decide if this goes from Angry to one of the top zines of 2014. I can only base things on what I read and these are my picks and opinions, no one else's. I don't take anything Pete says against me personally and he shouldn't take anything I say about him and his zine personally, either. When it comes down to brass tacks, Pete is doing what he loves and is getting free publicity. He may not like the kind of publicity it is, but I know plenty of people who will buy it based on this review. OK, I have read Issue #3 and my opinion hasn't changed. Pete still holds grudges against the big horror zine (especially Chris Alexander and FANGORIA) and has a fake and rather insulting interview with Michael Gingold (here called "Michael Whinegold"). Pete has proven he can write well with his heartfelt goodbyes to Michael Vraney and Al Goldstein (both in Issue #3), but he is so goddamn angry about almost everything else, he makes it very difficult to take him seriously. While the entire layout of the zine is vanilla and undistinguishable, there are some good articles by Josh Hadley and Pete about reliving the days when VHS tape ruled the world and a trip down memory lane by Pete about East Coast Wrestling (many bouts which took places at venues near where I lived). There are also some porn articles and an interview with porn star Serena and a cover story about the Italian cannibal genre. GRINDHOUSE PURGATORY is improving, but it needs a better layout and less venom in the writing. Then it will be a zine to contend with. NOTE #2: It looks like 42nd Street Pete has released Issue #4 (a review will be forthcoming after I receive it.) after a long delay and I hear he has a lot of bad things to say about me. Of course he will blame everyone but himself, but the layout and bile-filled writing are the real culprits. I gave him three chances to make the zine worthwhile to readers, but calling people names and making up fake interviews are not what the people want. They want to be informed, not inflamed. I can't wait to read what he has to say about me. I take his insults as a badge of honor. Well, I have read Issue #4 and I can say Pete is still being Pete. After heartfelt obits to James Garner and Eli Wallach, he delivers a two page editorial where he rips me a new asshole (without mentioning my name, of course, because he knows he can be sued), saying that I have some kind of agenda against him (I don't) and then goes as far to mention that incident where someone faked my death on Facebook, saying that I did it myself (And also calling me a woman-hating, closeted homosexual who has a man-crush on him! I laughed so hard, I think some pee leaked out!). If this came from some coherent and halfway sane person, I would be angry, but since it came from Pete Chiarella (oh, excuse me, 42nd Street Pete, because every schizophrenic has to have an alias), all I could do was laugh, imagining him drooling at the mouth and snot coming out of his nose while he was typing his bile against me. Pete said that he will never change his style of hateful writing, which is why I have named this the Angriest Zine of 2014. He says that my trashing his zine (I gave it three out of five stars on Amazon, but I guess he thinks that is too low) has actually increased his readership (something that I said would probably happen) and that I have to actually buy an issue to review it (Well of course I do; I don't take anything for free because I have standards. This way I can speak my mind freely because I spent my own money. Christ, I don't even accept movie screeners for this website!) The issue looks like every other one: badly laid-out one column articles with plenty of empty white space, but this time with some good guest writers like actor/stuntman Gary Kent (who probably wrote the article to get a free full page plug for his excellent autobiography and other films/books he was responsible for), who writes an interesting article on his experience on THE SAVAGE SEVEN (1968) and pioneering porn director Carter Stevens with Part 1 of his life in the Adult Film Industry; writer Cory Udler scores an interview with the-now 85 year-old Ted V. Mikels, director/producer/ writer of such films as THE CORPSE GRINDERS (1971); writer Ken Kish does a nostalgic article about attending the late, lamented Pearl Road Auto Drive-In located in Cleveland, Ohio; writer Robert Morgan does a piece on the sadly neglected 70's trucker movie WHITE LINE FEVER (1975), starring Jan Michael Vincent; author John Shatzer does an article on giant bug movies of the 50's and another article on why the Internet sucks (it's actually a very interesting take in the subject on how people lost personal connections with each other); writer Josh Hadley does a great article on how print zines will always be better than their digital counterparts (and I couldn't agree more); Bill Adcock does an article on the Bigfoot softcore sex film THE BEAUTIES AND THE BEAST (1973); Dave Kosanke does an article on the porn features of star Amber Lynn and director Bruce Seven. But the majority of articles are written by Chiarella himself (I also believes he uses the name "Dr. Rhonda Baughman" here, since I have never heard of "her" before, although I could be wrong), as he does articles on the Western SABATA (1969); a look back at the long abandoned tradition of double features at movie theaters; a retrospective on the biker films of the 60's & early-70's and how they saved the indy genre (his best article in this 112 page zine); a short article at the almost forgotten film THE CORRUPT ONES (1967); a piece on the film SNUFF (1971/1976) and the furor it caused when it was released; a look back on murdered wrestler Frank "Bruiser" Brody; and articles/interviews by "Dr. Rhonda Baughman" (whose writing style closely resembles Pete's) on SAVAGE STREETS (1984) star Johnny Venokur; 2014 interviews with 80's Scream Queens Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens and Michelle Bauer, who have done a new movie together with director David DeCoteau; and an interview with actor Ken Abraham (look him up on IMDb). On the positive side, there are no fake interviews (which Pete says in his editorial upsets me because I read FANGORIA!), the writing is a little sharper and the zine more varied in its subjects. Hey, Pete: You take things much too personally and you have to get used to people not agreeing with you 100% of the time. That's the way of the world. Get use to it. You still are angry, but insulting me is like a badge of honor. And it helped your readership grow. You should be thanking me instead of spreading lies about me. Oh, well, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. And also Pete: My website, called Critical Condition (www.critcononline.com) has been on the Internet since 1999 and before that in zine form since 1982. I probably get more readers in one day on my site than all four of your issues have been read by different people. And it's not a $2.00 website. It takes a lot of work and money to keep it looking old school, but my guess is that you wouldn't know how to even begin to create your own website (And not a blog, Anyone can have a blog.). It actually takes work to keep it updated and relevant. I not only live in the past, I also live in the here and now. NOTE #3: Issue #5 arrived in April 2015 and hardly anything has changed. The layout is still the same vanilla one column pages with plenty of white space (with a noticeable mistake on one page where a photo slipped into the type, making the last line unreadable), but Pete muffles most of his vitriol except when it comes to horror conventions (he thinks they are shitty today) and how he and his profile were deleted by Facebook for complaining about conventions (Yeah, that HAS to be the reason!). Some good articles, though. Proceed at your own risk, but at least I buy every issue that I read, so I am supporting Pete's zine. Note #4: August 4, 2016:  Pete is still churning out his zine, but I can no longer support articles written where the information is taken from Wikipedia and the IMDb.

MY THOUGHTS ON THE 2014 - 2015 TV SEASON

My thoughts on the 2014 - 2015 TV season. All times are Eastern Standard Time (EST). First up: Fox's GOTHAM (Mondays 8:00pm). Marvel has had much success in movies and on TV showing the origins of their characters, so DC Comics tries the same thing with this series (DC Comics is also premiering a reboot of their 90's series THE FLASH on Tuesdays at 8:00pm on the CW Network [which I have no interest in watching], that premieres a day before DC's ARROW, which has been on-air since 2012 and since The Flash and Arrow live in the same superhero "universe", there was a crossover episode that aired on December 2 & 3, 2014), which has a nice 70's look, but otherwise is mainly a dud. It shows the beginnings of Commissioner Gordon when he was Detective James Gordon (Ben McKenzie, who seems miscast for the role) and his partner Detective Harvey Bullock (the always interesting Donal Logue) as they investigate the death of a young Bruce Wayne's (David Mazouz) parents. The pilot episode also introduces us to Selina Kyle (Camren Bicondova), soon to become the Catwoman, who also witnesses the murder of Bruce Wayne's parents; Lord Alfred Pennyworth (Sean Pertwee), young Bruce Wayne's butler and friend; Oswald Cobblepot (Robin Lord Taylor), who would eventually become The Penguin; Edward Nygma (Cory Michael Smith), who we all know who will become by his name; and original characters, such as crime kingpin Fish Mooney (Jada Pinkett Smith, who announced she will not come back for a Season 2); Captain Sarah Essen (Zabryna Guevara), Gordon's superior; and Barbara Kean (Erin Richards), Gordon's love interest. This may all sound inviting, but the scripting and plotting is poor and you could create a drinking game in the pilot by how many times someones says "James Gordon". I hope the series gets better, but they need stronger writing and more original thinking to pull this off for a complete season. It's pretty to look at, but you can only look at something pretty for so long until you become bored. NOTE: The second episode was a major improvement, but it still has a long way to go if it wants me to be a regular watcher. The sub-stories kill this series, but the main story, about Selina Kyle, was interesting and well-written. I'll give it a couple more episodes to find its groove. It dropped nearly one million viewers from the first episode, which is not sitting well with Fox (They would have liked higher numbers since it precedes last year's hit SLEEPY HOLLOW, which has so far gotten a little over 5 million viewers for its first two episodes, Definitely not the same audience numbers as last year, but the show is still a corker.). The premiere episode attracted 8.2 million viewers and the second episode got 7.4 million viewers, so Fox is worried, but will give the show a chance to grow in this time period (It has failed to make it into the Top 25 TV Shows of the week, but ratings are steadily growing thanks to word of mouth, mainly because of Taylor's chilling portrayal of the villain that will eventually be known as The Penguin and Fox has ordered a full season of episodes. It has also been renewed for a Second Season.). * CBS' SCORPION (Mondays 9:00pm) had technophiles up in arms right out of the gate, just from the first episode alone, because of its unreal depiction of computer hacking, but they seem to forget this is just a TV series and a rather entertaining one at that. A rather eccentric Black Ops Agent (the always appealing Robert Patrick) assembles a crew of four tech and math-savy geniuses (their combined IQ is over 700), who are wasting their lives (and forget to pay their bills), and forms a team to fight modern technical crimes, like in the opener, where someone hacks the entire LAX airline landing schedule, where over 54 planes will crash unless the virus inside the air traffic controller software is wiped-out. The show is funny, tense and, yes, unbelievable in its depiction of the way hacking works, but as far as entertainment value goes, this is top-notch (there's a sub-plot about an autistic boy genius and his cute waitress mother [Katharine McPhee], who works in a cafe where the group have to make their headquarters to fix the airline problem that, in the finale, becomes a major plot point). It easily won the ratings war against last year's breakout hit SLEEPY HOLLOW, so look for that show to find a different time slot (I like them both, so I am very conflicted) or for Fox to hope that the new show will lower in the ratings department. It has already has hackers up in arms, so it may have less of an audience than the first episode, but I predict it will remain strong among younger viewers. It not only has technical mumbo-jumbo and nerd humor, but also an emotional core usually not found in a procedural show. I hope it keeps that aspect flowing freely (NOTE: The second episode attracted 13.3 million live viewers, only very slightly down from the first episode [13.8 million live viewers], so this is considered a qualified hit. NOTE #2: NCIS: LOS ANGELES and SCORPION had a crossover episode, which means they exist in the same TV universe. And CBS has ordered a full seasons of episodes and renewed it for a second season.) * CBS' NCIS: NEW ORLEANS (Tuesdays 9:00pm) is the second spinoff of the NCIS TV series (which itself was a spin-off of JAG [1995 - 2005]) and has the coveted spot to run right after the #1 rated scripted drama on TV (NCIS: LOS ANGELES has moved to Mondays at 10:00pm, opposite the always intriguing THE BLACKLIST which, to me, is a boneheaded move. NOTE: It seems I was right. The NCIS spin-off got the worst ratings in its six season career.), which will guarantee it success at least for a little while. The only problem is that the pilot nearly put me to sleep and if it weren't for the acting abilities of Scott Bakula and Lucas Black (remember him as a kid on the late, lamented TV series AMERICAN GOTHIC [1995 - 1996]?), I would have turned it off. Even the usually dependable CCH Pounder is wasted here as the team's coroner and the show is brightened for a few moments by the video appearance of Ducky (David McCallum), but it quickly switched back to boring mode when his time was over. So what is the trick they use for ending each part for their commercial breaks? NCIS uses a black & white flash-forward and NCIS: LOS ANGELES uses a series of quick black & white images with the sound of a camera clicking. This new series ends each commercial break with the final frame being saturated in color and solarized. The problem with network TV today is that we are being overrun with crime procedural shows and not enough of a mixture of other entertainment (except for reality shows, which I never watch). While some of them are good, I found this series lacking in the plot department and hope it gets better as the cast gels. I'm all for giving a show time to develop, but the cast has to click as a team for it to be interesting (The first episode catipulted it into the Top Ten TV ratings with 20.1 million watchers [17.2 million live and the rest by DVR watched within the first three days, which Nielsen now calls "+3 Days DVR"], retaining 93% of its lead-in and CBS has ordered a full season of episodes and renewed it for a second season). * ABC's FOREVER (Tuesdays 10:00pm) is another unbelievably bad show about medical examiner Dr. Henry Morgan (Ioan Gruffudd) who has remained the age 35 for the past 200 years and wants to find out why he is immortal (Plentiful flashbacks show us during different periods of time in his life and give us small clues why he may be immortal. Hey, wait a minute. Wasn't this already done done in Fox's failed 2008 TV series NEW AMSTERDAM?). In the meantime, he solves murder cases by using his 200 years of knowledge, with the help of partner Detective Jo Martinez (the beautiful Alana De La Garza, who played "A.D.A. Connie Rubirosa" on the last 4 seasons of LAW & ORDER [2006 - 2010] and was the ill-fated wife "Marisol Delko Caine" to Horatio Caine on CSI: MIAMI [2002 - 2012]), who knows something is different with her partner. The first episode was put up against the premiere of the second season of THE BLACKLIST and the second season finale of UNDER THE DOME, so it did rather poorly in the ratings (duh!). But the next night a new episode was shown and it stank to high heaven. Even regular Judd Hirsch can't save this show from an eventual early cancellation. Don't get too comfortable with this show folks. It's bound for the dumpster or relocated to the Saturday night pit of unsuccessful TV shows to burn off episodes. (NOTE: Looks like I was wrong...again. On November 7, 2014, ABC announced that it picked up the series for a full season, even though it averages only 5 million viewers per episode. NOTE #2: On May 7, 2015, ABC officially announced that the series was cancelled. No second season.) * NBC's THE MYSTERIES OF LAURA (Wednesdays 8:00pm), based on the Spanish LOS MISTERIOS DE LAURA TV series, begins with a funny introduction to Debra Messing's cop character, Detective Laura Diamond, but then quickly sinks into a hole of stereotypes and cliches. She's also a divorced mother of two young rambunctious young boys and (yes, you are about to read this correctly) her ex-husband is her boss. The pilot episode had some good scenes, but it is hard to get over the fact that anyone could actually believe that her ex-husband (who cheated on Laura and now wants her back) would be assigned her boss. I know of no police department that would allow this and Laura would automatically be assigned to another precinct. Besides, it is up against CBS' powerhouse reality series SURVIVOR, so this show stands a snowball's chance in Hell of surviving unless they move it to another timeslot. I believe, however, that NBC will keep it in this timeslot because they have an advertsising campaign called "Women Crush Wednesdays" which includes Messing in this show, Mariska Hargitay on LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT and Sophia Bush on CHICAGO P.D.. (NOTE: It's hard to believe, but the first episode garnered 10 million viewers and the second episode managed to retain those numbers, I guess SURVIVOR is getting old and stale or people are getting more zombie-like in their viewing. NOTE #2: On May 8, 2015,  NBC announced that the series has been renewed for a second season) * ABC's HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER (Thursdays 10:00pm) is a simply exceptional thriller series from Executive Producer Shonda Rhimes (GREY'S ANATOMY; SCANDAL) which shows how a procedural show should be done right. When the show first opens, we are experiencing four college students discussing the best way to dispose of a body of a person they just murdered by the toss of a coin. As we see the coin fly up towards the camera, we flashback three months earlier, where the four students are enrolled in a class at Middleton Law School, where the teacher, Annalise Keating (the amazing Viola Davis), teaches her class with an iron fist and is just as hard on her students as she is on the law (She is a defense attorney and calls her class "How To Get Away With Murder", but it is really a crash course on how to get guilty people off murder cases). Her first case involves a woman known as "The Aspirin Killer", who supposedly fed her husband poisoned aspirin. This inspires the four students we have seen in the first few minutes of the episode to (maybe) murder a female student and we flash forward every now and then as we see the foursome awkwardly trying to get rid of the body (and almost getting caught by campus security) and failing miserably. This is where the series shines. It is not just an indictment of people getting away with murder, but a sharp black comedy on how difficult it is to commit the perfect crime and Davis' performance as a tough as nails, take no prisoners, teacher is just amazing to watch. We know she enjoys what she does, but she will never break her facade to show her students that part of her life (except for student Wes Gibbins, expertly played by Alfred Enoch, when she confesses that she and her husband have been trying desperately to have a child, but even that turns out to be a big fat lie: her husband [who is white] is actually cheating on her and it may be with the murdered girl and she is having an affair with a police detective). She assigns her students to come up with evidence to show her Aspirin Killer female client not guilty and some evidence is gained by having gay sex with a person of interest, even though the student isn't gay. It's a wonderfully plotted episode with many surprises, which doesn't surprise me one bit that it got 14 million viewers on the first episode (I would usually be watching ELEMENTARY, but CBS decided to add another night of professional football to their roster, so who knows when it will return? NOTE: It will return October 30, 2014 at the same time as this series, Thank God for DVRs!). The finale of the episode finds Keating getting her Aspirin Killer client found not guilty by putting her boyfriend police detective on the stand and forcing him to tell the truth about tampered evidence (She may have been not guilty after all or did she seduced him to get him to lie on the stand?), picking four students to join her law firm (One being Wes. Will he become her protégé or even her lover?), the finding of the murdered body of the young female student in a water tank (the ground was too frozen to bury her) and the four students burning the rug in the forest the young girl was murdered on. I will keep watching to see what happens and to experience Viola's intense acting abilities. One of the best new series I have seen so far this season. And I refuse to tell you who the four students involved in the murder are. That, my friends, you will have to figure out for yourselves, but don't think I have given you any clues above, because I haven't. (NOTE: The second episode is as good, if not better, than the pilot and opened up to great ratings and, as the series progresses, the writing and Viola Davis' performance just gets better and better. It's first episode pulled-in 20.3 million viewers, which includes 6 million who watched it on DVR and now averages 18 million viewers, which puts in in the weekly Top Ten shows on TV with NCIS: NEW ORLEANS, SCORPION and MADAM SECRETARY [review coming shortly; renewed for a second season], all new series. It deserves it. Renewed for a full season and on February 26, 2015, after the end of the first season in a mouth-gaping two-hour finale, ABC announced it was also renewed for a second season. A no-brainer. The limited series AMERICAN CRIME will now occupy the time slot for the rest of the season.) NOTE #2: Viola Davis won an Emmy Award™ for Lead Actress in a Drama Series on September 20, 2015, the first black actress to do so. It's about time and she deserved it. * CBS' STALKER (Wednesdays 10:00pm) follows the 10th season of CRIMINAL MINDS (Who have added Jennifer Love Hewitt as a permanent part of the BAU Team; she announced after the finale of Season 10 that she will not be returning for another season. No big loss because she just didn't have the chemistry for the show.) and opens up with a completely unnerving scene where a stalker wearing a black hoodie and a white mask pours gasoline on a woman, but she manages to lock herself in her car (without her keys, but, in true TV style, the stalker dangles the keys in front of her so she can see them through her front window), so the stalker pours gasoline on the woman's car as she puts the car in reverse, sets it on fire and the car rolls backwards, slams into a telephone pole and explodes. We are then introduced to Lieutenant Beth Davis (NIKITA's Maggie Q), who heads the LAPD's Threat Assessment Unit (TAU), as she tells a class of glassy-eyed students that six million people in the United States are stalked each year and breaks down the statistics. She then asks the students if they have any questions and, of course, all the questions they ask are stupid. We are then introduced to former New York Detective Jack Larsen (Dylan McDermott of last season's failed series HOSTAGES) as he gets dressed to join the TAU team as its newest member. Problem is, Det. Larsen may be a stalker himself, as he had an affair with the Deputy Chief's wife in NYC (who was an Assistant District Attorney there) and now has moved to L.A., where his ex-lover and son live. His first meeting with Lt. Davis (who is a hard-ass and has been a stalking victim herself) doesn't go too well, as Larsen jokes that he joined the team to meet Scarlett Johansson and has watched all the stalker movies like FATAL ATTRACTION and SWIMFAN, which makes him qualified for the team (it's an awkward scene in a pilot full of awkward scenes). Since this is another procedural show, we are introduced to several suspects to the crime, but which one could it be? The stalker tries his gasoline trick on another woman in an elevator, but she manages to get away and be saved by Davis and Larsen, only to have her kidnapped again by the stalker while she is under police protection (he was hiding under her bedroom rug!) and brought to a gym, where she is duct-taped to a stationary bike and covered in gasoline. Davis and Larsen figure out who the stalker is and save the victim just in the nick of time, where Larsen shoots and kills the stalker just as he is about to strike a match (hasn't he ever heard of a lighter?). This is an unremarkable police procedural that was created by SCREAM's screenwriter Kevin Williamson and since he wrote the pilot, it is full of film references and his usual celebrity name-dropping baggage. Besides the pilot's effective opening, the rest of the episode is nothing but your standard by-the-numbers cop show that follows the basic formula of nearly every police procedural. Maggie Q and Dylan McDermott have zero chemistry, which will probably doom this series from ever making it to a second season. Hell, it may not survive the first season. Only time will tell. Who knows, maybe there will be a BUA-TAU crossover episode? (In episode 2, Larsen's ex-lover gives him two weeks to leave L.A. or she will release something that will end Larsen's career. Wanna make a bet he finds a way to stay in L.A.? After watching four episodes, there is nothing here to distinguish it from the many crime procedurals on TV, except for the fact that many of the stalkers prefer black hoodies and, for some unknown reason, CBS has ordered a full season of episodes. They stopped the show after 18 episodes in mid-February of 2015 so they could debut the show CSI: CYBER [see below] and are now burning the rest of the episodes off starting in May 2015 on Mondays at 9:00pm, so it doesn't look good for a second season. NOTE: CBS has canceled the series on May 11, 2011.) * Fox's GRACEPOINT (Thursdays 9:00pm) is a remake of the BBC's excellent murder mystery BROADCHURCH (2013), but about 90% of the people watching the show will not even know that fact. Unfortunately, I was part of the 10% that had BBC America on my cable company channel list and watched the original show religiously because it was a tense, snappy 8-part murder mystery. Too bad this new 10-part limited series follows the original a little too closely, even using the original's star, DOCTOR WHO's David Tennant (who talks with an American accent here, and not that convincingly), as Detective Emmett Carver, but instead of taking place in the sleepy seaside town of Broadchurch in England, this new series takes place in the coastal town of Gracepoint, California (close to the Oregon border), where young boy Danny is found dead in the sand next to the ocean. The storyline follows the original almost exactly, except with American sensibilities, right up to the internal strife within the police department where Detective Carver (a new hire) takes the lead detective position that longtime police officer Detective Ellie Miller (Anna Gunn of BREAKING BAD) was promised when she got back from vacation. This offers friction between the two detectives (Carver refuses to call her Ellie [calling it "silly"] and rather use her last name instead), as they try to discover who killed Danny while trying not to pass any information to Ellie's nephew Owen (Kevin Zegers; WRONG TURN - 2003), who is a newspaper reporter. There's not much to recommend here if you have already seen the original, except for the recurring role by Nick Nolte and an outstanding performance by Michael Peña (TV's THE SHIELD) as Danny's father, who may know more about his son's death than he is letting on. David Tennant's Detective Carver is extremely unlikable in the pilot and there are innuendos about his past that also may play an important part as to why he is in Gracepoint. But if you have seen the original, you will already know why. There is talk that either episode 7 or 8 will divert extremely from the original, but I just may bypass the proceeding episodes until that happens. Others who may have not seen the original may stick around to witness what happens or this series could flop extremely hard. It's hard to gauge whether this series will be successful or not. It is very well acted and a lot goes on in the first episode, but even good series can suffer from the ratings slump. I'm not against remakes of foreign shows (witness THE KILLING and even going all the way back to ALL IN THE FAMILY), but if you are going to do a scene-for-scene remake, expect  some backlash from those familiar with the original show, no matter if only under one million Americans per episode watched it on BBC America. Look at what happened when director Gus Van Sant did a 1998 scene-for-scene remake of Alfred Hitchcock's PSYCHO (1960). It was villified. NOTE: FOX announced there will be no second season. It was an "Event Series" so it really didn't need a second season, but the British BROADCHURCH did get a second season and it was great. * NBC's CONSTANTINE (Fridays 10:00pm and later moved to Fridays at 8:00pm after the "Winter Break", putting the adult series into a "family friendly" hour; a big mistake in my opinion, as some material may have to be reshot or edited out) is the only new program I asked for screeners this TV season and I'm glad I did. Since Keanu Reeves played him in the R-Rated 2005 movie of the same name, I wanted to see how much they toned down his character, especially his chain-smoking (Shows like MAD MEN [Thanks Michael P. - inside joke] get a pass because they take place in the 60's [and are on cable rather than network TV], but modern-day shows have been declawed from doing such things, even though plenty of people still smoke.), his tough-as-nails demeanor and his thinking of humans as less important than him (after all, he is an expert on the occult!). Since this is a network show based on yet another DC Comics character (from the comic zine "Hellblazer"), I was expecting the worst, but Executive Producer David Goyer has found a very interesting way to deal with Constantine's smoking addiction (you have to play close attention to really get it) and star Matt Ryan, who plays Constantine, assured audiences at this years' NY Comic-Con that the character wouldn't be "de-balled". And judging by the pilot, he hasn't. There is plenty of  Constantine's patented cursing (some of the words they come up with to replace the ones not allowed to be said on network TV are pure genius) and human-hating, but since his job is mainly to keep Satan's minions from coming up to the Earth and taking over the planet to possess people he doesn't have feelings for would be a task that any fallen angel with his soul damed to Hell would have a problem with. There's plenty of bloodier violence than normal and the storylines are very interesting (especially in the first 3 screeners I received). I don't want to spoil the fun of what this TV series offers (let's just say that I like it a whole lot better than the DC Comics origins show GOTHAM), but it is a quick 42 minutes in a one hour timeslot that will have you hooked from the first episode (it jumps right into the fray without going much into Constantine's history and the first time we see him, he has voluntarily committed himself to an institution for electro-shock treatment to forget things from his past [it doesn't work]) and since we know David Goyer loves cliffhangers, expect episode 7 (the mid-season ender) to have one hell of a doozy one. And since Neil Marshall (DOG SOLDIERS - 2002; THE DESCENT - 2005; DOOMSDAY - 2008; CENTURION - 2010) directed most of the episodes, you know this is going to be a quality series. All I can really tell you is to expect a new leading lady to appear after the pilot episode (Angelica Celaya will be playing comics fan-favorite Zed) and we won't hear Lucifer's voice until the third episode. Until then, just go along for the bloody ride. I know I did. Since BLUE BLOODS is its only major competition and it skews to the oldest audience demographic of any show on TV (63 is the median age of its viewers, probably thanks to Tom Selleck), I hope this new series is given the chance it deserves. NBC does seem to have some faith in it, since they already added an additional three new scripts to the series before it has even aired. NOTE: The pilot episode was refilmed a little bit and Lucifer makes a short appearance during a very small flashback and he says a couple of words. Everything else has remained the same, though. NOTE #2: On November 24, 2014, NBC has decided that Season 1 will only run 13 episodes. They have not said whether or not they have canceled the series (I hope not because it keeps getting better and better), but they haven't extended the season past its initial order of 13 episodes. The series has been getting 4.5 million viewers per episode, which is considered good for a Friday night series. My hope is that they are going to run it as a limited series, like HANNIBAL. Star Matt Ryan said "I am very, very, very hopeful" that there will be a Season 2. NOTE #3: Well Matt, looks like you were wrong. There will be no Season 2, as NBC announced the series' cancellation on May 8, 2015. NOTE #4: CONSTANTINE will live on, for another episode. After weeks of speculation, the CW today confirmed that Matt Ryan will reprise his role as Constantine from the cancelled NBC drama in an episode from the upcoming fourth season of ARROW in late 2015. Both DC series are produced by Warner Bros. TV, which made the guest spot possible. Ryan will guest in episode five, entitled “Haunted.” ARROW star Stephen Amell has already been a big proponent of the crossover – back in May the actor publicly offered on twitter to guest star on the show if it were renewed by another network or streaming service. Bringing CONSTANTINE to ARROW proper at least saves the character, and furthers that show’s increasing comfort with comic book themes. Starting out with a much more grounded, gritty premise that eschewed super powers in favor of what amounts to ramped up special forces training, with the introduction of sister series THE FLASH, ARROW has increasingly embraced comic book themes. (Including the resurrection of the dead.) Bringing an actual wizard into the mix makes for a very different show than the one that premiered in 2012. Related to this, last spring during PaleyFest, THE FLASH and ARROW executive producer Greg Berlanti suggested similarly increasing comic book-heavy themes for that show, teasing an adaptation of the DC Comics crossover event “Flashpoint Crisis.” *  (Drumroll please) And the first cancellation of the 2014 - 2015 Season is: ABC's MANHATTAN LOVE STORY (Tuesdays 8:30pm; and I know, I never heard of it either!). One of two half-hour situation comedies that led into the second season of Marvel's AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D., which is floundering at its new 9:00pm time slot. The new sitcom was averaging 2.4 million viewers per episode and was canceled after four episodes were shown. ABC also canceled the second half hour sitcom, SELFIE, that occupied the Tuesday 8:00pm timeslot, but will burn off the 13 episodes (two in a row) and then it will be buried in the TV show graveyard. (UPDATE: ABC decided against doing this and show Christmas specials and repeats of other shows instead. The final seven episodes of both MANHATTAN LOVE STORY and SELFIE will be shown on streaming service Hulu.) R.I.P. More cancellation news: NBC has canceled their two new Thursday night comedies, BAD JUDGE (9:00pm), which averaged 4 million viewers, and A TO Z (9:30pm), which averaged 2.4 million viewers. Both will run their full thirteen episode orders and then be replaced with as yet, unnamed series. Fox also mercifully pulled the plug on their reality series UTOPIA (Fridays 8:00pm) after it was pulling in a measly 1.5 million viewers per episode after getting 4 million viewers when it premiered. It seems that no one was interested to see if Fox could make the "perfect society" by isolating 15 people in a secret spot and hoping for a New World Order (Just like Fox would like it). It also seems that people are finally growing tired of reality programming, as many established reality shows have opened to terrible numbers this year and cable networks are finally switching to scripted shows (even SyFy said they were going back to the time when their network was more successful, which means less reality programming and awful original movies and more "must see" TV like the crazy, sexy LEXX [1997 - 2002], the popular FARSCAPE [1999 - 2004] and the reboot of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA [2003-2009], but they are not going back to their old "Sci Fi" tag), hoping to catch the succcess of AMC's THE WALKING DEAD, which opened up with over 17 million viewers on its fourth season premiere (God knows why. It's such a cliched show). Fox has also said their new drama RED BAND SOCIETY would not get any more episodes made this season after the initial 13 episode order (10 episodes will air in 2014 and the remaining three will be aired "sometime in 2015"). Fox has not said the show has been canceled, but it doesn't bode well when three episodes will be burned off at a later undertemined date. Bad News Dept.: The 2014 - 2015 TV Season is the last for THE MENTALIST, which also suffered the same fate as CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION when it was moved to Sunday at 10:00pm (It also looks like Season 15 will be CSI:'s last since its order of episodes was cut from the usual 22 down to 18, dropped nearly 30% in viewership, is constantly not shown because of football overruns and original star George Eads announced on November 24. 2014 that he would not return for a Season 16. But CBS may air a limited 16th Season during the 2015-2016 TV Season to tie up loose ends and give their longest-running procedural show the proper sendoff it deserves, something CBS did not do with the two CSI: spinoffs. There's even talk of William Petersen returning!). It will now debut November 30, 2014 and end sometime in early 2015 with a truncated 13-episode Seventh, and final, Season. It will first replace THE GOOD WIFE (which is going on Winter hiatus, or as they call it now, the "end of the Fall Season") for five weeks on Sundays at 9:00pm and will then move to Wednesdays @ 8:00pm, where the final eight episodes will air. Speaking of CBS: They canceled the half hour sitcom THE MILLERS on November 14, 2014 after having a successful run in the 2013 - 2014 Season. They moved it from Thursday to Monday this year, where ratings were anemic (Monday is one of the busiest nights on TV, with too many choices of programs to choose from) and added Sean Hayes to the cast this year, but it still failed anyway. The last episode will air on November 17, 2014. CBS will burn off the remaining episodes on Saturdays during the Summer of 2015. Also: The USA Network announced on December 7, 2015 that the fifth season of COVERT AFFAIRS would be its last. Since the fifth season has already aired, fans of the show will get no resolution to the ongoing story arcs. I ask you: Is this any way to treat viewers loyal to the show for five years? At least make a final TV Movie to tie up loose ends. On January 13, 2015, the USA Network announced that its heavily-advertised freshman comedy series, BENCHED (who played all those commercials for the series where the show's star, Eliza Coupe, gave all her ex-bosses the middle finger [which were optically blurred out, but not that you wouldn't notice what she was doing] and told them "You can all go piss up a rope!" during the daytime, no less!), would not be renewed for another season. Speaking of the end of Fall Season: This practice of interrupting a show for two months or more and then bringing it back has got to stop. When LOST was on the air and they did the same thing, audiences complained and ABC then started showing the series uninterrupted until all the episodes for the season were shown. But the practice seems to have made a comeback. Case in point: THE BLACKLIST will end its Fall Season on November 10, 2014 (where we see Alan Alda explode to pieces with a bomb locked around his neck [Where else can you possibly see that?] and Peter Stormare getting shot at point-blank range by Red) and won't return until the first week of February 2015 (right after the Super Bowl on February 1, 2015, and it will be the first part of a two-parter) and then will move to its new timeslot and day starting Thursday February 5, 2015 at 9:00pm (Talk about cutting your own throat! They will definitely have to tone down the violence for a 9:00pm timeslot.). NBC will debut another new show, STATE OF AFFAIRS, in its timeslot the following week (They are promoting it as "From The Director of THE BLACKLIST". Which one? [Turns out it is Joe Carnahan, who directed two episodes of THE BLACKLIST in 2013 and is Executive Producer of both series]) and air that series in its 13 episode entirety (It will then be taken over by yet another hospital show, the second season of the limited series THE NIGHT SHIFT, in February 2015, which, on May 8, 2015, NBC announced it would be renewed for a third season). Meanwhile, people hungry for more of THE BLACKLIST (myself included) will have to wait nearly three months for the show to return. I find this practice horrid and harmful for the series. What if STATE OF AFFAIRS is not a well-liked show (It was officially canceled on May 5, 2015 by NBC, so there will be no Season 2) and the audience switches to another channel, gets involved with another series and then decides to stay with it until the season is over? What series suffers? Time to stop this crap and start showing the entire season on a regular basis. I know that December is considered a rerun month what with Thanksgiving just over and everyone out shopping for Christmas, so they don't have as much time for TV, but to hold back a series for three months is unacceptable. That practice might work well for cable (think THE WALKING DEAD and the final season of MAD MEN), but on network TV it is tantamount to a death sentence in certain situations.  Good News Dept.: For the first time since the three CSI: shows were on the air in 2009, there will be a three show story arc beginning November 11, 2014 on CHICAGO FIRE and then concluding on November 12, 2014 on both LAW & ORDER: SVU and CHICAGO P.D.. * TNT's THE LIBRARIANS (Sundays 8:00pm) is a lighthearted fantasy series that takes up where the three Noah Wyle TV Movies (2004 - 2008) left off. Wyle is Librarian Flynn Carsen, who is in charge of keeping real magic from permeating the human race, but a competing faction of evildoers unleashes the magic into the world, forcing Flynn to take on three new Librarians (Christian Kane as Jake; Lindy Booth as Cassandra; and John Kim as Ezekial) and a former Secret Service agent named Eve (Rebecca Romijn) as their protector. When the main Library is "lost", the three new Librarians and Eve must use an annex, run by Jenkins (a welcome return to TV by John Larroquette) and try to retrieve all the magic that escaped into the world, while Flynn ventures out on a quest all his own (Wyle is only occasionally going to appear on the first season of this show because he is busy filming the last season of FALLING SKIES, also on TNT). While basically nothing more than a humorous takeoff on RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981), this series shows promise, thanks to a talented cast and some very funny guest appearances, including Bob Newhart, Jane Curtin (both returning from the TV Movies), Bruce Campbell (as Santa Claus), Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa and Matt Fewer as the mysterious bad guy Dulaque. The episodes so far have been fun without overly relying on graphic violence and, while there is some dodgy CGI on view, it is perfect viewing for both children and adults alike. My only problem in the beginning was the shameless over-acting by Noah Wyle (if there were any more scenery, he would chew it up, but I guess that is to compensate for his very grim character on SKIES), but now that John Larroquette is the show's anchor (and gets off some very funny one-liners), the show has taken-on an identity of its own. I hope this series lasts a few seasons, as long as they can keep the imagination flowing and the humor funny. (NOTE: The series had one of the shortest runs I can remember in a long time. This was due to them showing some new episodes back-to-back. I really see no common sense in that move. Especially on a Sunday night when there is so much on TV. On December 15, 2015, it was renewed for a third season.) * Fox's BACKSTROM (Thursdays 9:00pm), created by Hart Hanson (BONES - 2005-Present), can best be described as HOUSE M.D. (2004 - 2012) if he were a police detective. Rainn Wilson (formerly the star of the U.S. version of THE OFFICE [2005 - 2013] and also a Producer of this show) portrays the acerbic cigar-chomping, Slurpee-drinking Lieutenant Everett Backstrom, an overweight, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and enlarged-heart cop (yes, he is a physical mess) who was just put back on Detective duty after spending a long time in Traffic Division because of his health. His Indian (as in India) doctor, Dr. Deb (Rizwan Manji), hands him a prescription that simply says "Make a friend this week" or else he will put Backstrom back on traffic duty. Better said than done. His first case is the apparent suicide of the son of Senator Tobias Percival (Kyle Secor), who is found hanging from a railroad bridge during a pouring rainstorm, a case which he shares with Det. Sgt. John Almond (an excellent Dennis Haysbert, who can be seen as the spokesperson for Allstate on TV commercials and was formerly the star of THE UNIT (2006 - 2009), who also happens to be a Preacher on weekends (His small piece of dialogue about having "black balls" to a rugby player is the best line in the pilot episode). Backstrom believes that this is not a suicide and was actually a murder and asks for help from his gay live-in thief Gregory Valentine (Thomas Dekker; who supplies Backstrom's abode with expensive stolen goods! Backstrom's sexual orientation is purposely kept a mystery.) to help him find information on who would want the Senator's son dead. After many false leads (a direct steal from HOUSE), Backstrom finally solves the case, but not without doing something so stupid, it will probably come back to haunt him on future episodes (The episodes are not being shown in order [the fifth episode shot was actually their second aired episode], so this throws a monkey wrench into that theory). This series, based on a set of novels by Swedish criminologist and novelist Leif G.W. Persson, is the type of anti-hero series that seems to be so prevalent today and Rainn Wilson acquits himself nicely in his role as the sarcastic, I-hate-everybody, new head of Portland, Oregon's Police Bureau's Special Crimes Unit (SCU). Everyone in the series seems to have a quirk of their own and Backstrom does get to make a "friend" at the end of the episode (in a back-handed way), but it doesn't seem to satisfy his doctor, who wants to see him every week if he wants to keep his new job (a quite obvious plot device so Backstrom can make fun of the male doctor's name, "Deb", and also have the doctor keep Backstrom in line, but Backstrom changes that plot device with just a simple sentence, making sure it is not a weekly thing). It seems Fox completely forgot about their other failed anti-hero lawyer series from last year, RAKE, and decided to take another chance on making anti-heroes popular again. If anyone can do it, Rainn Wilson can (but then again, I thought Greg Kinnear could do the same thing), but it depends on the stories that will be told in this first season's thirteen episodes. I do love quirky series and this is definitely one (not to mention atmospheric, with Portland's continuous rain [actually filmed in Vancouver, British Columbia] and Backstrom wearing an orange-hooded rain slicker as much as possible [shades of the film DON'T LOOK NOW - 1973, where the mysterious villian wears a red-hooded rain slicker]), but we will have to wait for the ratings to decide whether this series will survive. I certainly hope it does. It replaces the time slot occupied by GRACEPOINT's first complete ten-episode season (which actually turned out really satisfying after veering off direction in the seventh episode from its British counterpart and was rather well done and unexpected) and will eventually be up against the new day and timeslot for the popular NBC series THE BLACKLIST, so I hope it does well enough in the ratings to merit a second season. Only time will tell (This is also the first time I have seen the word "Dick" used in an advertisement to describe someone, although it could be taken two ways, but I think we all know what direction Fox was taking, don't we?). THE BLACKLIST seems to be getting good ratings on its new day and time slot, so this doesn't bode very well for the new series. Too bad. NOTE: FOX announced that there would be no second season. * My predictions about new "second season" shows that are beginning in February and beyond: NBC's ALLEGIANCE (Thursdays 10:00pm) will be dropped quicker than a john's pants in a hooker motel since it pulls in less than half of its program lead-in ratings, THE BLACKLIST. The story is about a young and inexperienced C.I.A agent whose fist assignment will be to investigate his own family, who all have secrets that the C.I.A. would love to hear. Don't get too invested in the series unless you have nothing planned on Saturday nights  (or have plenty of room on your DVR) since NBC will not let this show eat up valuable advertiser time on Thursday nights. NOTE: Seems I was right. ALLEGIANCE was canceled after airing five episodes. THE BLACKLIST's lead-in show, THE SLAP will be moved to the 10:00pm position and DATELINE NBC will offer real-life Blacklist-like stories as a lead-in at 8:00pm to NBC's most popular drama. Why doesn't NBC just move THE BLACKLIST back to Mondays at 10:00pm? It would be much less of a headache for both them and the viewers. Take THE NIGHT WATCH, a poorly-rated hospital drama out of the Monday 10:00pm slot, put it on at Thursdays 9:00pm, and put THE BLACKLIST back where it belongs.  NBC should just call Thursdays a wash for this season and at least have full control ratings-wise on Mondays. * Prepared to get involved with the binge-watching of Amazon's streaming series BOSCH (produced in 2014 [the pilot episode was aired in February 2014, but is part of the new package], but it can be viewed anytime from February 13, 2015 - on). The always welcome Titus Welliver is the titled character, an L.A.P.D. Homicide Detective who has about as many troubles in his personal life as he does in his professional life. This is not a series you watch for one episode a week and then wait for the next episode. Like I do when AMERICAN HORROR STORY is released on Blu-Ray every year, this is a show that demands that you binge-watch it. I know I'm not usually for the new technological advances (like watching TV on laptops, tablets and tiny-screen phones) that come across our for our "viewing pleasure", but some shows needs to be binge-watched and this series is one of them (and since I have a Roku 3 player, watching it on my large-screen HD TV will be no trouble). It's excellently produced, even better acted by Welliver (DEADWOOD - 2004-2006) and with directors like Ernest R. Dickerson behind the camera and Bosch crime novel creator Michael Connelly writing some of the screenplays for the 2015 season, you know you are going to be in for lots of surprises (Connelly says every episode unravels like a chapter in a book). I, for one, am looking forward to the day when I can binge-watch all 10 episodes of Season One. So should you. If you don't get Amazon, now is the time to do so. NOTE: On March 18, 2015, Amazon announced that it has been renewed for a second season.

2014 - 2015 TV SEASON PART 2: It must be weird for Patricia Arquette to win a Best Supporting Actress Academy Award® one week and then to headline a new spinoff series on TV the next week, but that is what she is doing with the new CBS series CSI: CYBER (Wednesdays 10:00pm) and it turns out to be nothing but a typical crime procedural with a computer tech slant that has another The Who song as it's opening ("I Can See For Miles", which is, strangely, appropriate). After a couple of solo appearances on CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (2000 - 2015), Ms. Arquette, who plays Avery Ryan, gets her own team located in Washington, D.C, which includes James Van Der Beek (The Beek!) as Detective Elijah Mundo (who happens to be a crack shot), Charley Koontz as computer expert Daniel Krumitz, Hayley Kiyoko as Raven Ramirez (another computer expert); Shad Moss (the musical artist formerly known as "Bow Wow") as new intern Brody Nelson (who works out his computer problems in rhyme), a convicted hacker who Avery wants on her team to hopefully teach her and her underlings some new things or he goes to prison, and the always welcome Peter MacNicol as Head Agent Simon Sifter (in a role not that unsimilar from the defunct series NUMB3RS - 2005-2010). The show begins like all computer geeks do: Arquette just surfuing the Internet while sipping on a Slurpee (shades of Abby on NCIS - 2003-Present) when a baby kidnapping report pops-up on her screen and she assembles the team to go to Baltimore, Maryland. The parents reported hearing a bunch of different foreign voices on their baby monitor/camera, but the Baltimore police stupidly unhook the camera's connection and destroy the evidence (It wouldn't have made any difference anyway because the kidnappers took the SIM card. Wait, baby monitors have SIM cards?). After some hard work, which involves a women who uses her breast implants as a way of being a drug mule, a shootout with a guy on a motorcycle (this is where Elijah's gun skills come in handy) and plenty of computer work (a lot of tech which still doesn't exist today, including a full body hologram, not unlike the one Angela uses on BONES - 2005-Present), the team uncover a baby selling ring run by the Russians, where the highest bidder gets a kidnapped baby (there have been two more baby kidnappings and the babies have yet to be found when they bust the headquarters). A computer holds the whereabouts of the two babies, but there is one problem: It needs a twenty character password to unlock the computer, which could take 3.4 billion years to decipher. Brody deciphers it on the first try using his rhyming technique (it is so unbelievable as to be funny) and Elijah saves one of the babies from certain drowning (Awwww!). The episode closes with Avery sitting on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial after telling Brody that she saved his ass from prison because when the internet was new, some hacker stole all her private psychiatric practice files, one of her patients was murdered and she has never found him. She spends every night on the internet looking for him, hence the beginning of the episode, and she could use his help. Truth be told, there is nothing really new about this show. As you can see my synopsis, this is more of a Frankenstein show that borrows tech and peculiarities from other, more popular shows. Arquette makes a bland leading lady and hopefully she will loosen-up in upcoming episodes, otherwise people will tune this show out fast, like they did the new show cop-buddy dramedy BATTLE CREEK (Sundays 10:00pm, which CBS announced there would be no second season; not much of a surprise, but the show grew on me a little), which ended up last on CBS' ratings list. But to be fair, any show that plays Sundays at 10:00pm on CBS is like asking the Grim Reaper to touch you on the shoulder. Why doesn't CBS do us all a favor and bring back CSI: MIAMI (2002 - 2012)? At least that show was colorful and had some great characters, including David Caruso, who could be an unrelenting badass when pushed too far. I don't hold much hope for CSI: CYBER. If they really want to get my attention and make me a weekly viewer, tell the truth about what happens to a person who has their identity stolen by someone on the 'net. That I can identify with and if done right, can be more frightening than any fictional cyber-crime. Otherwise, this could end the legacy of the CSI dynasty. And no one would hate that more than me. Just one thing: Why hasn't CBS announced the cancellation of the original CSI:, the show that outlasted all its spin-offs? Ted Danson has already signed on to a new series and George Eads has stated that he wouldn't come back for a 16th Season, so it seems to me that CBS should finally issue a press release announcing the end of the dynasty. Or maybe they are just waiting for this series to fail. Even STALKER (which this new show occupies its time slot) was more entertaining than this. NOTE: CBS is showing this series out of sequence. The third episode shown was actually the 8th episode shot, which is an indicator that CBS does not have much faith in the series (Although this is during "March Madness" and CBS may be burning off the more boring of the episodes. Only time will tell.). NOTE #2: The series is getting respectable, but not great, ratings and CBS will soon announce whether it will be back for a second season. So far, it doesn't look good because the series has been somewhat ridiculous in the storylines. One newspaper critic called it "A lousy show you should be watching". He went on to explain that even though the series is one of the worst on TV, it may teach people to be more careful when they are online! NOTE #3: On May 11, 2015, CBS announced that the show was renewed for a second season (Ted Danson will be joining the cast as "D.B. Russell" from CSI:) and that the original CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATIONS would get a two-hour TV movie so it can get the proper closure it needs. While I am not too pleased with the former being renewed, the latter bit of news pleases me. CSI: has been a mainstay on CBS since 1999 and won the network many Emmy® and other awards, not to mention being the top-rated show on any network for four seasons. * Anyone but me underwhelmed by the first 90-minute episode of USA Network's new "Event Series" (a new term for the old-fashioned Mini-series) DIG (Thursdays 10:00pm)? After months of promotional commercials and even inserting 3-second nearly-subliminal ads in all their programming (LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT repeats had at least one of those subliminal ads in nearly every episode, sometimes right in the middle of an important scene!), the first episode caused more yawns than wonderment. I love TV shows and movies about ancient secret passageways, hidden treasure, mind-bending puzzles, booby-traps and archaeology object finds and their repercussions, but this premiere episode, which some critics said was a contender to THE DA VINCI CODE (2006) theatrical film (A movie I didn't much care for because it was boring, too. My tastes run more towards NATIONAL TREASURE [2004] and NATIONAL TREASURE 2: BOOK OF SECRETS [2007]), but DIG is nothing but a basic biblical End Of Times story that spends too much time on other things, like the relationship between stars Jason Isaacs and Anne Heche (Is she a lesbian in real life or just bi-curious?), while Isaacs investigates the murder of a young female archaeologist in Jerusalem (he met her a day earlier and she reminds him of his dead daughter; she even says something that her daughter would always say to him) who may have discovered the Ark of the Covenant (sound familiar?), with contents inside (including a breastplate of a high priest which enables whomever wears it to talk to God, but the 12 stones in the breastplate are missing, so it won't work) that may predict the date of the Apocalypse (or the Rapture if you prefer). There's also a sub-plot about a young boy named Joshua (are you kidding me?) being kept prisoner in a compound in New Mexico run by "The Pastor", so the boy may be something special and held prisoner by a religious cult (He escapes, much to The Pastor's chagrin, so he has one of his female underlings find him, shoot and kill him [She says to Joshua: "It's too late. Your feet have touched the ground." before she pulls the trigger.], only for a second Joshua to show up at the compound, Could it be cloning or something more sinister?) and some other questionable doings, like Isaacs running and being able to keep up with a speeding car. How will all this tie together? Will you watch the remaining nine 60-minute episodes to find out how all this will piece together? Based on the first episode, I sure won't, but I will give the second episode a try just to see if it improves. If it does, I will DVR it and watch the episodes when I have time. But, with me at least, first impressions are usually the mitigating factor, and my first impression is telling me that I probably won't be watching it past Episode 2. While I do not mind mini-series (Oh, excuse me, Event Series), this one looks like it is going to be a long slog and could have been made into a three hour TV Movie. Early ratings of the first episode were soft, but I'm sure the USA Network will give this a chance to grow. They just put too much time and effort in promoting this show to just drop it. The USA Network did itself no favors by airing all four Indiana Jones films before the series premiere, showing the viewing audience how this type of thing can be done right in two to 2.5 hours (even if the fourth movie was the weakest of the series). Like all ancient artifacts, only time will tell whether this Event Series will survive or whether it will fade away into dust. They are showing the first episode a lot in their rotation during the first week, so they are anxious to get this show to be seen by as many people as possible. I know as soon as some people see that part of the show is subtitled (most of it does take place in Jerusalem), they will instantly change channels because they are too lazy to read while they watch. * A&E's THE RETURNED (Mondays 10:00pm) is a very well filmed and suspenseful series, but there are two huge problems with it: Problem #1: If you have been watching the original French series of the same name on VOD that premiered in 2012, you will immediately notice that this new series is nearly a scene-for-scene steal of the original series, and the few of us that watched the first season of the French series are highly disappointed in A&E for not deviating from the original's plot (not to mention that ABC already has a remake on TV called RESURRECTION, but it looks like this is it's final season; on May 7, 2014, ABC confirmed that fact by cancelling the series) and sticking with the same format. For newbies, though, this is an entirely creepy series about a school bus-full of children returning from a ski trip dying when their bus goes over a cliff after avoiding a young boy in the road. A few years later, the children begin climbing up the ravine and return home. They haven't aged at all and remember nothing about the bus crash and dying. Each episode is about one of the children returning back to their family and the problems it causes. Are they really their children or are they something else? The subplot is about the young boy, Victor/Henry (Dylan Kingwell) also returning and no one knows who he is or why he is here (It is eventually revealed in future episodes). Which brings us to Problem #2, and it's a big one: Even though it's at 42-minute program meant to fit in a one-hour timeslot, A&E shows commercials every six minutes and let the show run over 3 or 4 minutes after the hour mark. This is just unacceptable and may not be picked up by some DVRs, making each show's finale unviewable to those who have DVR'ed it rather than watch it live. This is just corporate greed, plain and simple and there is no other excuse for it. This use to be a common practice several years ago on network TV, so you wouldn't switch channels and watch the next show on the network because you have already missed a few minutes of another program you like on another channel, but it was stopped when audiences complained because their VCRs would miss the final minutes of the show (ER was particularly guilty of this). After watching the first two episodes live, I have decided to DVR it from now on, but if you are going to do the same thing as me, do so by adding an extra five minutes to the end. Too many commercials (and I mean a lot!) spoil the mood for a series like this and I hope A&E learns this quick, because I, for one, am sick and tired of this greedy practice, having five (!) commercial breaks every 30 minutes. Otherwise this is a very watchable show (all 10 episodes of the first season "written" by Carlton Cuse, and I put that in parenthesis because all he did was translate the French series into English to make it more digestible for U.S. audiences). I would suggest waiting until this series hits DVD & Blu-Ray before watching it, but that would be a double-edged sword. If it doesn't find an audience on TV, A&E has the habit of pulling series off the air very fast (Remember what happened to THOSE WHO KILL last year that occupied the very same time and channel?). I suggest that you DVR it, even if you don't watch it because ratings now take DVR recordings into the show's ratings tally. I will watch it because I can fast forward through the commercials rather quickly, but none of us would have to do that if A&E cared about their audience rather than corporate sponsors. Shameful. NOTE: Even though the commercial breaks are frequent, the show managed to reel me in, hook, line and sinker. It gets better and better as each episode progresses and has some truly frightening scenes, such what Henry makes Peter (Jeremy Sisto) see in a graveyard (Peter was partly responsible for the murder of Henry and his mother 29 years ago). It keeps getting better and better, so I really hope a second season will happen. NOTE #2: The series has been canceled in June 2015. I guess A&E shot themselves in their own foot with all those commercials and the show not ending on time. People just stopped viewing out of disgust. * The best series of 2015? That's a no-brainer. It's Netflix's DAREDEVIL. Now hear me out before you shake your head. This is not your normal superhero series and, please, ignore that 2003 abortion of a film of the same name starring Ben Affleck. This is a superhero series for adults, not for kids. It's brutal, honest, has great action scenes (better than most theatrical films) and has one hell of a leading actor in Charlie Cox ("Owen Slater" on two seasons of BOARDWALK EMPIRE - 2011-2012), who plays blind lawyer Matt Murdock by day and the titled character by night, who only defends a 10 block radius of his New York Hell's Kitchen neighborhood. It is also the first Marvel series to earn a TV-MA Rating, which pushes the violence, nudity and language into Hard-R-Rated territory. The storylines don't pander to young audiences, as this is a series that should not be watched by younger children, because the hero suffers just as much (if not more) than the people he beats to a pulp (Maybe children should watch this series to realize that there are consequences that go along with being a superhero). And this is not your ordinary superhero. This Daredevil has no superpowers besides a heightened sense of hearing (heightened because of his blindness; nothing like how Daredevil "sees" in the Affleck film) and a knowledge on how to defend himself (thanks to his mentor Stick, portrayed by Scott Glenn in three episodes), but for every punch and kick he throws, he gets back in return, either in punches or kicks received, or the damage hitting someone else causes him. I don't want to give too much away except to say that you will not ever see a better staged fight sequence that comes at the end of Episode 2, as it is better choreographed and filmed than most big-budget superhero films and some episodes will make you tear-up for their poignancy and raw emotion. Vincent D'Onofrio plays Wilson Fisk, a.k.a. The Kingpin, starting in Episode 3 (and he has never done better) and Deborah Ann Woll (TRUE BLOOD - 2008-2014) is excellent as Karen Page, hopefully a future love interest to Matt Murdock, who has nude scenes that go way past what we saw of her on HBO. I will keep this short and sweet: If you don't have Netflix, now you have an excellent reason to sign up, because this 13-episode first season (it has already been renewed for a second season) is unlike anything else you will see on TV this year. Its stories, acting and technical aspects (the sound mixing is extraordinary and should win an Emmy Award®) are way beyond average and it will shock and surprise you. When was the last time a TV Series has done that to you? Look for a roster of recognizable actors (including Bob Gunton, Rosario Dawson and Vondie Curtis-Hall) that round out the series regulars and my favorite regular has to be Elden Henson, who plays Foggy Nelson. So stop reading and start watching on Netflix now! You'll thank me for recommending this. (NOTE: Renewed for a third season on July 21, 2016.) * Renewals for the 2015 - 2016 Season: Even though AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. limited sister series AGENT CARTER did poorly in the ratings during the former series' Winter Hiatus, ABC announced on May 7, 2015 that the series would be back for a second season, proving once and for all that the Disney-owned ABC wants to turn our TV screens into a Marvel Universe. I mean, why not, Disney/Marvel have already turned our Summer theater screens into a Marvel Universe, too. To me, only the aforementioned adult-oriented series DAREDEVIL (see above) is worth your time, but when is enough going to be enough? When Stan Lee passes away (God forbid.)? During the 2014 - 2015 season, the only major network without a series based on a Marvel character was CBS (They do have a DC Comics weekly adaptation of SUPERGIRL for the 2015 - 2016 season, though); ABC also surprisingly picked-up the low-rated limited series AMERICAN CRIME for a second season. I tried to get into this series, but it was too slow-moving and generic for my tastes, but ABC saw something in it to give it another try during the upcoming new Fall TV season. CBS has renewed PERSON OF INTEREST for a fifth season, but only for a 13 episode run (Series Creator J.J. Abrams says "My Guess Is It’s the Final Season."). Doesn't look too good for the series. Too bad, because it was one of my Tuesday mainstays. CBS also announced on May 13, 2015 that CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION will wrap its 15 seasons with a two-hour TV movie on Sept. 27, 2015 The movie will include the return of original series star William Petersen and Paul Guilfoyle. Former co-star Marg Helgenberger will appear in the film as well (The only cast member not returning to say goodbye is George Eads, who didn't like the script, forcing major revisions. WTF? Go screw Eads! Fifteen years on the show as a regular cast member and you can't even say goodbye to the fans? I hope you never get another job on TV or films, you selfish bastard! I can understand Laurence Fishburne [who only logged-in 61 episodes] or Gary Dourdan not returning [since Dourdan died on the show], but an original cast member with 335 episodes under his belt, the most of any cast member [I'm also surprised that Mark Vann, who played "Conrad Ecklie" since the show's premiere is not returning, but he was only a recurring character, appearing in only 66 episodes in the show's 15 years. He did have some poignant episodes with Elizabeth Harnois, who played his daughter "Morgan Brody", in the series' last few seasons and she is returning for the movie. Mark Vann is a popular guest star on a lot of other series, though, unlike George Eads, who has done practically nothing besides CSI for the past 15 years.]? That's like spitting in the fans' eyes and I'm one of those fans! Even Melinda Clarke, who appeared as dominatrix "Lady Heather", Petersen's secret love interest/subject of fascination is returning!) In addition, current CSI star Ted Danson will continue to stay with the franchise by moving over to the show’s latest spinoff, CSI: CYBER. FOX has renewed SLEEPY HOLLOW for a third season, but it will be moved from its cushy Monday timeslot after GOTHAM to Thursday night. There is even going to be a SLEEPY HOLLOW/BONES crossover episode since they will be playing back-to-back every week. Will they call it "Sleepy Bones"? Can you say "Jumping The Shark?" On July 11, 2015, WGN renewed SALEM for a third season. Character actor supreme Michael Ironside has been cast in a recurring role on the second season of THE FLASH.  Michael Chiklis has joined the cast of GOTHAM for its second season as  a series regular. On August 7, 2015, FX has renewed THE STRAIN for a third season. HBO is in negotiations to finally make a DEADWOOD wrap-up film. It's about finally fucking time those cocksuckers came to their motherfucking son-of-a-whore-cocksucker decision! And the bastard whores took ten motherfucking years to come to their cocksucking decision? (To quote the series). Maybe they could do the same thing for CARNIVALE! Personally, I loved both series and was very disappointed thet neither one came to their proper conclusion. Although it would take some sort of miracle to come up with a conclusion to CARNIVALE. How do you end strange? * Best News Of The Season Dept (with one caveat): FOX has finally canceled AMERICAN IDOL and next season's 16th, and final, season will be its last. I never was a fan of these "Who is the best singer/dancer/comedian/juggler/crotch-grabber, etc...." shows and this one in particuular grated on my nerves and I thought it took up way too much of FOX's measly two hours of prime time programming every night. On the bad news front, FOX has optioned a new series from Simon Cowell. This doesn't bode well. * More Than A Coincidence? Dept: How great is it to have both David Duchovny in the new series 60's-set cop drama AQUARIUS (with a Charles Manson backdrop) and Gillian Anderson in the third season of HANNIBAL (she finally gets her name in the opening of the show, making her a regular) playing back-to back on Thursday night on NBC during the Summer? It's a great way to get ready for the six-episode revival of THE X-FILES in late January, 2016. We all know that HANNIBAL is one of the most adult TV series on network TV (as well as being extremely gruesome), but AQUARIUS is also adult (but more conventional) in its depiction of 60's California, where troubled police detective Sam Hodiak (Duchovny) agrees to find the missing daughter of a former flame, who is now in the clutches and control of Charles Manson (an Emmy Award® worthy performance by relative newcomer Gethin Anthony, whose last claim to fame was appearing in 8 episodes of the HBO series GAME OF THRONES during 2011-2012). There are surprising scenes of gay sodomy and homosexuality by the bisexual Manson, but it seems that NBC has over-dubbed some curse words (such as "shit") with more conventional words because it plays in the family-friendly hour of 9:00 PM. (I'm sure all the foul language will be on the Blu-Ray/DVD sets that will eventually be released) It's still a great series, full of little surprises (such as the reveal of Hodiak's new partner's family) that make the series stand out from most police procedurals. The 60's setting is also well used, so there are no such things as personal computers, DNA matching or cell phones (Hodiak says something funny regarding not having a phone in his car and having to find a pay phone) and Miranda Rights have just been passed, so some police officers don't know how to recite it yet, including Hodiak, who gives a totally improper (but hilarious) reading of it. The clothing, cars and other aspects of the series are right on the money (believe me, I lived through it!), so if you have not yet begun to watch the series, NBC has followed the Netflix model of making all 13 episodes of the show available at once, so you can binge-watch them if you want (I'd rather enjoy it weekly so I can get my weekly Duchovny/Anderson fix, something I haven't been able to do since 2002). The networks are finally wising-up that the Summer is not just rerun time. There are plenty of people who will watch original programming if you make it available, something cable TV has been doing for years. This one-two punch by NBC is a great start, since CBS found success with UNDER THE DOME during the Summer and it will be returning for a third season on June 25th, which is (surprise!) Thursdays opposite AQUARIUS! What in the world were those dunderheads at CBS thinking, moving it from its normal Monday 10:00 pm slot, to a different day and time? Looks like Season 3 will be its last (on August 31, 2015, CBS announced that UNDER THE DOME was canceled after three seasons). This is what DVRs were invented for. This is a great time to be a TV watcher and a bad time to be a CBS executive. UPDATE: On June 22, 2015, NBC announced That HANNIBAL has been canceled after three seasons. They say rights issues are the cause (they wanted to introduce Clarice Starling in Season 4, but they don't have the rights to do so and it would be cost prohibitive), but the real issue is that it, along with AQUARIUS, have been getting anemic ratings (The David Duchnovy show had better numbers, though). I don't know what is wrong with the viewing public or if the Neislen Ratings System is just very fucked-up, but to not watch these two very adult shows is a cardinal sin to me. NBC said that HANNIBAL will run the complete third season (ending August 27, 2015) and then produce no more episodes (NBC would be foolish not to air the complete third season because it only costs them $100,000 an episode, the cheapest amount for a scripted show on any network). Let's hope some streaming service like Amazon Prime or Netflix picks it up and lets it continue (Showrunner Bryan Fuller announced on July 6, 2015, that both Netflix and Amazon passed on picking it up, so Fuller is hoping for a future movie deal). It doesn't look good, though, since Gaumont International Television, the production company responsible for the show, released Hugh Dancy and Mads Mikkelsen from their contracts. Getting them back may be cost prohibitive. And that's a shame because Season 3 is the best season yet so far. Did you see the beat-down Hannibal received in Episode 5? Classic! And Gillian Anderson's performance in Episode 6 was Emmy™ worthy. UPDATE #2: In the most idiotic and puzzling decision in history, NBC moved both AQUARIUS and HANNIBAL to Saturdays from 9:00 to 11:00 pm. starting July 18, 2015, assuring AQUARIUS, which was pulling in decent numbers, will never see a Season 2. Good move, you fucking retards at NBC. You know full well that Saturday nights are when most adults go out for the evening. Pissed-off doesn't describe my feelings at this moment. NBC stated they did this move because their affiliates were tired of pulling in such low numbers. Since HANNIBAL only cost NBC $100,000 per episode (That's the total cost for all of NBC and their affiliates combined) and they more than quadruple that in advertising dollars alone per episode (and that is per station and affiliate, so think of that staggering profit), I'm not buying that explanation. It is Summer, after all, and profit is profit. It looks like my DVR will be set on Saturdays for the first time in my DVR's history. NBC should stand for "No Body Cares" or "'Nother Boneheaded Cock-up." And so it starts: Pre-football season starts and, of course, the games are shown on NBC Saturday Nights which means entire episodes of AQUARIUS are missing from the roster and HANNIBAL is starting late. Make sure to give your DVR plenty of time so that you don't miss the endings. The April 22, 2015 episode in my TIVO says HANNIBAL starts at 10:30 pm and only runs for 30 minutes, which is a bunch of bullshit. NBC has once again shot themselves in the foot, especially when it comes to fans of these two series. Sports is always more important to them. They knew that when they moved both series to Saturday. Fuck NBC and fuck pre-football season. BUT FUCK NBC FOR KNOWINGLY PUTTING BOTH THESE SERIES IN TIME SLOTS THEY KNEW WOULD BE PRE-EMPTED. Quick Good New Dept: NBC announced at the end of June 2015 that AQUARIUS has been picked up for a Second Season. I'm glad about that, but still confused about why they moved it to Saturdays? My only reason was because their Netflix model for releasing all 13 episodes of this show at once worked out great for them. But I only binge on a few shows. I like to see this one play out week-by-week and its audience numbers are downright anemic with its latest episode (its 10th) receiving a paltry 2.5 million viewers and now I am missing two episodes in a row because of pre-football season. * Short 'N' Sweet Dept: New Summer TV shows you should be watching: FOX's WAYWARD PINES (Consider this 2015's version of TWIN PEAKS [before David Lynch returns with his own reboot in 2017]). Matt Dillon goes to the titled town in Idaho to search for two missing Federal Agents and discovers a town shrouded in mystery. Unlike Lynch's original series, this version, from Executive Producer M. Night Shyamalan, actually has a plot you can follow without having to take hallucinogens. And it actually has answers you can understand. If you haven't watched it from the first episode, I would suggest you stream it from the beginning or wait for its eventual disc release. This is not a series you can watch starting from the middle and enjoy. The last couple of episodes were disappointing, though, just like a Shyamalan film, but I do give the series credits for tying up all the loose strings. More TV shows should be as bold. (NOTE #1: On December 9. 2015, FOX renewed the series for a Second Season! It should be interesting where Shyamalan will take the show. The Second Season will premiere May 24, 2016.). USA's MR. ROBOT (I believe the best Summer Show on TV and also one of the most downbeat. A "hero hacker" named Elliott [Rami Malek] with awful interpersonal issues and a drug problem who looks like E.T. [especially when he wears his hoodie]? Is "Mr. Robot" someone he created in his messed-up head? [It's beginning to look more and more like it is, since "Mr. Robot" bears a striking resemblance to Elliott's father. Seems like I had it pegged from the first episode, but that in no way diminishes the series.]. It is also great to see Christian Slater do an unusual series like this and not tepid DTV flicks and to actually have a TV series last more than one season. Already renewed for a Second Season to premiere Wednesday July 13, 2016. SHIVERING NOTE: August 26, 2015:  "Due to an unfortunate parallel to a real-life tragedy today, USA has postponed tonight's MR. ROBOT season finale to air next week. The freshman thriller's season finale features a very graphic on-camera shooting. It's not identical to the tragedy this morning in Virginia, where a TV reporter and cameraman were murdered during a live broadcast, but it was close enough that USA understandably decided it was wise to put a bit of distance between the real and fictional events. No one who watched tonight would be thinking about anything else. In a statement, the network said, "The previously filmed season finale of 'Mr. Robot' contains a graphic scene similar in nature to today’s tragic events in Virginia. Out of respect to the victims, their families and colleagues, and our viewers, we are postponing tonight’s episode."" My condolences to the Virginia TV News family, too. At least USA Network didn't chicken out and refuse to show a Season One episode because it paralleled a real life-life incident like NBC did with HANNIBAL.) and COMPLICATIONS (I have fun with this one even if it's nothing ground-breaking. Renewed for a Second Season.). ABC's THE WHISPERS (Surprisingly addictive. I need to find out who or what "Drill" is! It has been getting low ratings and ABC has already released the actors' contracts, so it looks like there will be no Season Two.). The Second Season of HBO's TRUE DETECTIVE (I consider this a new series because it is a whole new story with different actors than the First Season. The first episode of the season really pulled me in. And, wow. Just wow. Colin Farrell didn't last too long, did he? Addendum: Wow again, what a cheat. Seems the two shotgun blasts Farrell's character took to the chest were full of rock salt! Addendum #2: Holy Christ, did you see that shoot-out at the end of Episode 4? My jaw was agape watching it. The second season is proving to be better than the first season, in my opinion. Less Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche-like dialogue and more common policework, but with layered players who are not without their major faults. Still an element of supernatural mystery, though [Eyeless and genital-less corpses, anyone?], and time-jumping. But this season it is more straight-forward. And R.I.P. Taylor Kitsch). The final episode of the season was a major letdown, though, with clichéd plot devices and killing off everybody but one (who doesn't look to last too long if you look behind the person in the final scene). Netflix's SENSE8 (The Wachowskis, Andy & Lara [nee Larry], haven't had much success since their MATRIX trilogy, churning out critical and financial disasters, but as Creators/Directors/Writers [with J. Michael Straczynski] of this new streaming series, they seem to have found solid footing. Eight people from around the world suddenly become aware of each other. What could it mean? Is there a higher calling? This sumptuously-photographed series gives us little clues along the way, while giving us detailed backgrounds of the eight people and what their connection could be. One of the most binge-worthy shows of the Summer. I ate it all up in two nights. It was addicting like crack. Here's hoping for a Second Season! UPDATE: On August 8, 2015, Netflix announced it has been renewed for a second season!). UPDATE #2: The series will have a one-off Christmas special starting December 23, 2016 and the Second Season will start May 5, 2017. Summer TV shows you should avoid like the plague: MTV's SCREAM (just one word: UGH!!! For some unknown reason [probably because teens will watch anything teen-related], it was already renewed for a second season.). ABC's THE ASTRONAUT WIVES CLUB (60's-era soap opera claptrap which was canceled after one season). TNT's PROOF (Is there life after death? Who cares? People are going to believe what they want to believe. I can't believe some critics are praising this show! I can understand religious people loving it, but critics are supposed to be unbiased. NOTE: On September 24, 2015, TNT announced there would be no Season 2. Can't say I'm surprised.). ABC Family's STITCHERS (A silly premise about a woman who can "stitch" herself into the memories of dead people to solve their murders. It was made for what the ABC Family calls "In-Betweeners", a new age group which runs through the age of 18 and 32 [Why don't they just change the name of the channel instead of making-up nonsense words? Actually, they are changing their name to "Freeform" on Jaunary 12, 2016. The series has been renewed for a Second Season.]. It hasn't been a "family" channel for quite some time. They should rename the channel to "ABC What We Did?" and should have called this show "Snorers".). CBS's ZOO (Why are normally docile animals attacking their owners and why are animals that usually stick to their forest or jungle territory coming into populated areas and attacking and killing humans around the world? Could it possibly be that they were forced to watch pablum like this? CBS touts this as coming from "#1 Best Selling Author James Patterson", not bothering to say that Patterson knocks out 10 books a year [and that this particular novel had a co-writer]. It's not like he is Hemingway. He's a hack writer. And this is a hack series. There is some intentionally funny dialogue, though [Especially between Kristen Connolly and Billy Burke's characters, such as when Burke is trying to find out why a bunch of household pet cats are missing, discovering all of them alive, sitting in the same tree, where Connolly says to him, "You went on a cat stakeout? That cat stakeout turned into a cat pursuit?"], but the animal attacks, as seen by myself through episoode 4, have been rather bloodless and unconvincing, especially the pack of wolves attacking a prison and freeing a crazy religious man who was on Death Row.). This is proving to be CBS' top-rated show during the Summer, which only proves to me that people want candy, not meat and potatoes.) NOTE: CBS announced that a Second Season will happen in the Summer of 2016. Since they cancelled UNDER THE DOME and EXTANT,  CBS needs something familiar for audiences to watch (besides that tripe BIG BROTHER) for the Summer. I just can't believe it was this underachieving series.). AMC's HUMANS (In this done to death scenario, on a parallel timeline, Earth's population are able to purchase "Synths", human-like robots that help us with everyday chores and menial jobs. Problem is, they are developing human emotions such as love and anger and become self-aware, so they start doing a lot more than they were programmed to. Willim Hurt must be hurting for a job to star in something like this. I'm surprised the estates of Isaac Asimov and Ray Bradbury aren't suing the makers.). Note: It was renewed for an 8-episode second season with Carrie-Anne Moss to join as a regular. AMC's FEAR THE WALKING DEAD is nothing but the same kind of stupid-ass multicultural cast doing stupid things that they do in the "companion" series THE WALKING DEAD, except this one takes place in Los Angeles when the zombie outbreak is just happening and there are less "walkers" in the first few episodes than on one episode on the companion series. If the zombies look different, it is because they are recently deceased, so the only real way to tell is by their sunken-in eyes (and their zombie shuffle). That's about the only correct thing they did in this new series, but I am sure the fans of the first show will also eat up this show (One critic had the nerve to compare it to APOCALYPSE NOW!). I'm not going to be one of them. (NOTE: Well, it set the All-Time Cable Ratings Premiere Record with 10.1 million viewers, proving to me that there are 10.1 million people who need to get out for some fresh air, unless they are afraid zombies are going to eat them.). I had my fill of clichéd characters to last me a lifetime. This is also the last series that I review for the 2014 - 2015 TV season, as this had an August 23, 2015 start. The new 2015 - 2016 season starts in about three weeks. * More Cancellations Dept: On June 30, 2015, NBC announced that AMERICAN ODYSSEY was canceled after one season. Another Sunday Night at 10:00pm show that didn't survive. Does any network series shown during that time slot survive? On July 3, 2015, NBC also announced that A.D. THE BIBLE CONTINUES would not have a second season. What would Jesus do? In this day and age, he (in the visage of Mark Burnett and Roma Downey) would form his own digital faith-based channel called OTT (Over The Top? One Time Toomany? Oversized Titty Transplant?) so everyone could still watch his antics. OK, everyone, let's binge on Jesus! (but you'll have to wait until 2017). * More Than Just A Tad Peeved Dept: TV Guide hasn't been relevant since they tossed away their digest format and turned it into a glossy kiss-ass rag more interested in covering movies than TV (and increasing the price from $1.49 to a staggering $4.99!), basically tossing-out all late night listings in favor of putting in more coverage of films and streaming networks (whch doesn't help a late-night owl like myself), but even they reached the nadir of their existence when they put the cast of SHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO! on their July 11, 2015 cover (shot by the still-beautiful Bo Derek, no less, who has an extended cameo in the film) and then give this cheap non-Union film seven pages of coverage inside to praise it (not once in the lengthy article do they mention the picketing from Union members while the third film was being made, but they do compare Ian Ziering to Bruce Willis!). In the next issue, dated July 27 - August 9, 2015, they give the movie a "Cheer"! Since they only give three "Cheers" a week (another one was for the anemic CBS TV series ZOO!), I guess we all know where TV Guide's taste is: In their ass! I bet this increases The Asylum's profile, but it is an insult to everyone with a brain and those who work for film Unions everywhere. Calling it "Summer's Wildest Ride" only shows how myopic TV Guide has become. I can think of at least a hundred better things on TV during the Summer than this Union-busting film, but I'm sure some of those that still depend on TV Guide to give them nightly Prime Time listings (I, for one, don't) will tune in to see what all the hub-bub is about. I'm all for mindless entertainment, but not when it takes food out of the mouths of hard-working, dues-paying film technicians who were basically replaced by scabs on this film. Almost every film by The Asylum (except for SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE, which was shot in New York City, where you have to use IATSE Unions to make make movies and TV shows) is a non-Union film, which is why they look so cheap and tawdry. I never understood the SHARKNADO craze; the first film lighting up Twitter like a Christmas tree (but still getting poor ratings; the ratings increased during the second, third and umpteenth time they aired it after it became a Twitter sensation), turning it into a juggernaut; but people need to know the truth on how these films are made: On the cheap, with grade-school CGI and casts of has-beens. These films may have raised the profiles of Tara Reid and Ian Ziering (Which begs the question: Why?), but, in reality, these two "actors" couldn't act their way out of a paper bag (especially Reid, who is stiff as a man who just popped five Viagras). And that describes this series of films perfectly: An empty paper bag. The only thing inside it is hot air. And don't get me started on why well-known actors and personalities are clamoring to have cameos in these films (Mark Cuban as the President Of The United States? David "The Hoff" Hasselhoff as Ian Ziering's father? Bo Derek as Tara Reid's mother?). It just boggles the mind. And while we are on the subject of TV Guide, why is it that periodicals like Entertainment Weekly contain more full-page ads for TV shows than the magazine supposedly made for TV viewers? Could it be that the major networks believe TV Guide is long past its prime and would rather spend their advertising budget in magazines more prolific? Think about that the next time you see an issue of TV Guide while standing in line at a grocery store and wondering about buying it. $4.99 can be spent a lot more wisely (Hell, even Entertainment Weekly is cheaper and gives you a lot more bang for your buck, but yet another THE WALKING DEAD cover and story in the August 7, 2015 issue? Why don't you change your name to THE WALKING DEAD WEELY and just get it over with? Nearly every issue name-drops the show at least once.). Rant over. NOTE: At the end of the third installment, a piece of a satellite falls out of the sky and heads right for Tara Reid's character, April (Yeah, I know, what are the chances of that actually happenning?). The film goes to black and then asks fans to vote on Twitter as to whether April lives or dies at the beginning of SHARKNADO 4: I SHIT IN MY DEPENDS (actually it is a STAR WARS rip-off title SHARKNADO: THE 4TH AWAKENS and opens on SyFy July 31, 2016). Here's another cheap ploy used by The Asylum to milk a dead cow (Not To mention the mocumentary documentary SHARKNADO: HEART OF SHARKNESS - 2015, a phony documentary about a non-existant director who wanted to use real sharks in the first film and made the movie that way, with a different cast, of course!) The third episode opened with over one million less viewers than the second (which is about on par for any SyFy Original Film), so I guess they'll be bypassing Film Unions again to get this one made. My advice, don't watch it or buy TV Guide. And for their third issue in a row (the August 10 - 23, 2015 issue), they mention SHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO! again! This time in a Facebook poll. Some of the answers are definitely written by people with some types of psychological issues. NOTE: The filmmakers edited out Jared Fogle (The Subway Sandwich spokesperson) from Part 3 because he was convicted of pedophilia and is serving 17 years in prison. The only two things that made me laugh in Part 4 were when Caroline Williams reprises her "Stretch" role from THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 (1985) and says "It wouldn't be Texas without a chainsaw massacre!" as she, Duane 'Dog' Chapman (as "Chop Top") and Dan Yeager (as "Gunnar"; he was Leatherface in TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D - 2012) slice-up flying sharks with chainsaws and an appearance of John Carpenter's CHRISTINE (1983), the 1958 Plymouth Fury, in one scene (it still played only 50's songs, or at least facsimilies of 50's songs since this film couldn't afford the real thing). Part 4 also had the most cameos of all four films and it was particularly sad to see how much plastic surgery Carrot Top (as an Uber driver) and Wayne Newton (who sings a snippit of a Sharknado tune) have had. They look like storefront window mannequins (In all fairness, Carrot Top looks like a clown mannequin.). The films also exist in the same universe as the LAVALANTULA (2015) franchise, as Steve Guttenberg ("Colton West") and Ian Ziering ("Fin Shepard") make cameos in each other's films using their character's names. What makes this strange is that Guttenberg's franchise has nothing to do with The Asylum and I prefer those films over the Ziering franchise, since Guttenberg seems to be having a lot of fun with his former leading man image and the first film is like a mini-reunion of POLICE ACADEMY (1984), with Michael Winslow, Leslie Easterbrook, and Marion Ramsey all putting in appearances. And the films are funnier and have better special effects, too. It also doesn't hurt that both of Guttenberg's films contain appearances by the diminutive Danny Woodburn (best remembered as Kramer's friend on SEINFELD), an actor who really knows how to make you laugh. Here he plays Guttenberg's agent and throws out some hilarious one-liners.

Top 10 suggested titles for the fifth installmant of the SHARKNADO franchise:
SHARKNADO 5: OH FUCK NO! NOT ANOTHER ONE?
SHARKNADO 5: THERE ARE THINGS IN MY STOOL MORE INTERESTING THAN THIS.
SHARKNADO 5: SHARKS MAKE ME SHIT MY PANTS (THE RUNNY KIND).
SHARKNADO 5: A SHARK ATE MY TERM PAPER.
SHARKNADO 5: APRIL MAKES FOR SOME GOOD-TASTING CHUM (EXCEPT FOR THAT METAL HAND).
SHARKNADO 5: REPUBLICANS BLAME THE DEMOCRATS FOR THE PROBLEM. WANT SHARKS' BIRTH CERTIFICATES.
SHARKNADO 5: I CAN'T WATCH THE MOVIE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THAT FEMININE SWAGGER. HAIL TO THE V!!!
SHARKNADO 5: CGI IS FOR CHUMPS. HELLO CHUMPS.
SHARKNADO 5: MOMMY, WHY IS DADDY'S THINGY IN YOUR MOUTH?
and finally...
SHARKNADO 5: BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP WHINED HE WASN'T IN THE FIRST FOUR. WANTS SHARKS CLASSIFIED AS ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.
AND THE WINNER IS: SHARKNADO 5: GLOBAL SWARMING

SUICIDE IS NEVER THE ANSWER

Let's get very serious for a moment: The August 11, 2014 suicide of comedian/actor Robin Williams should bring to light just what clinical depression can do to a person. It proves that having all the money and fame in the world cannot beat this dreaded disease. While having cancer is bad, some forms of it can be cured, but clinical depression has no cure. Every day, 117 people leave this world by taking their own lives because they believe it is the only way out. While some of those suicides may be from bullying and other factors, clinical depression is the leading cause of taking one's lives. People say, "But don't they understand their actions affect everyone, especially their loving family?" The answer is yes, they do, but the depression is so bad it overwhelms their desire to stay alive. It is apparent that psychiatrists and all the drugs they prescribe do absolutely no good. They are only a stopgap measure and leave the person walking around like they are in a fog. After a while, the human body becomes acclimated to the meds and a different set is prescribed. That is not a soultion. That is like sticking your finger in a leaking dike until all your fingers are stuck in holes, yet more holes and leaks pop up. We have to come up with a radical different way to treat clinical depression. It is very apparent that what we are doing now is not working. Until we know how the human brain works (we are gaining ground, but not fast enough), there will always be people who suffer from clinical depression. I have witnessed the dreaded disease (and it is a disease, not a "condition") take the lives of two loved ones, plus my Facebook friend Andy Copp. We have to try harder, increase funding to come up with a cure and wipe out this dreaded disease. Until we do, 117 people will take their lives every day. I don't know about you, but that number is not acceptable to me. I know people who rather not talk about depression, but it should be discussed out in the open, including with children, so they can understand the signs. If Robin Williams did one thing by taking his life, it was bringing clinical depression out in the spotlight (although I would still rather he be alive). Now is the time to discuss it openly before the next big thing comes around and people forget about clinical depression and what it can do to people. Mr. William's wife also revealed that Robin was also suffering the early stages of Parkinson's Disease, which probably put Mr. Williams over the edge (And now every photo I see of Robin, all I see is sadness in his eyes). Let's not let this awful opportunity pass us by without coming up with some solutions for this disease and I hope the trolls that made fun of Robin's death to his daughter Zelda on social media sites, (including Twitter and Instagram), posting awful remarks and Photoshopped photos of her father's death (which I won't describe here due to the family wanting privacy; and a big "Boo!' to the Coroner's Office and Police Department for graphically telling the Press the manner of Mr. William's death after the family begged for privacy), all get caught and are punished accordingly. No child should have to go through what poor Zelda did, but the Internet is full of "keyboard warriors' who are nothing but cowardly little twerps. Zelda was forced to quit her accounts on these sites because of those taunts and photos, proving once again that the internet is full of both good and bad. But the bad overrides all the good intentions with just one insensitive comment. Let's try and be more understanding from now on. Suicide is never the answer, but until we understand clinical depression and the way it screws with our brains, there will be more. You can count on that. UPDATE: August 12, 2014: It has been a year since Robin Williams' suicide and platitudes are coming from every star and friend that knew him, but nowhere did I see any talk about trying to curb suicide. Yes, everyone is allowed to have fond memories of their friends, but you would think the manner of his death would be discussed seriously. And I have read very little. And until we finally have a serious sit-down and discuss the problem, there will be many more. And over the past year there have been many deaths attributed to suicide, both famous and not-so-famous. Let us make Robin Williams' death actually mean something. Make a difference. I'm sure Robin Williams would want that more than anything. Contrary to the old M*A*S*H song, suicide isn't painless. It leaves many hurt people behind. But people that take their own lives don't worry about such things because the disease has taken over their mind. And, yes, it is a disease. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Especially psychiatrists, who would rather fill your body with mood stabilizers than get to the root of the problem (Don't get me wrong, mood stabilizers work, but they are not a permanent solution, as the human body builds up a resistance to them). We actually need more people out there who actually CARE and posting a Suicide Help Line phone number is not the answer (Most people who seriously want to commit suicide don't care about such things). Look for the signs and if you see them, sit down with the person and offer all the help you can. Believe me, it makes a world of difference. SIDE NOTE: Jim Carrey's girlfriend, Cathriona White, committed suicide by taking prescription meds on September 28, 2015. Police discovered that the names on the prescription bottles (a drug sleep aid, a pain killer and blood pressure medication) were an alias that Jim Carrey has used in the past and all the prescriptions were written by the same doctor. If Carrey had anything to do with supplying her with those prescriptions, he should be charged with assisted suicide. Jim Carrey has long been known to have bi-polar disorder, but that is no excuse if he obtained the medication for her. If she stole them from Carrey, my apologies, but why use an alias in the first place? Being a celebrity is no excuse for that behavior and doctors should not enable that behavior. It's fraud, plain and simple. It's no different than stealing a doctor's prescription pad and writing your own medication scripts. I've always been a proponent that pharmacists should ask for ID before handing over filled prescriptions. It would stop a lot of overdoses and suicides. UPDATE: September 2016: White's estranged husband is suing Carrey for being complicit in his wife's suicide and also accused Carrey of giving his estranged wife Herpes Type 1, Herpes Type 2 (genital herpes) and gonorrhea. Carrey denies the allegations, but got himself a lawyer anyway, saying that White's  estranged husband is trying to ruin his name. Really! I think Carrey has done a good job of that all by himself. I believe Carrey is guilty (all he has to do is take a blood test to prove his innocence, something he refuses to do) and hope he is ruined for life and serves some jail time. UPDATE #2: October 11, 2016: The mother of Jim Carrey‘s ex-girlfriend says she is willing to drop her wrongful death suit blaming the comedian for her daughter’s suicide if Carrey releases the results of an alleged STD test to the public. Brigid Sweetman, the mother of Cathriona White, told TheWrap in a statement: “Jim Carrey and his attorney have told the world that Carrey has never had STDs and he has never tested positive for STDs. They have called me and Mark ‘shams’ for claiming otherwise. I am demanding they immediately release the full 2013 lab results so people can judge for themselves who is telling the truth and who is lying. If they publicly release and publish the full Quest Diagnostics lab report for the blood sample Carrey gave on January 28, 2013 at 11:40 a.m. under the name ‘Jose Lopez’ and if it shows Carrey did not test positive for STDs, I will immediately dismiss the case and apologize. But if it shows differently, and it will, then Carrey and his attorney must admit they have lied to the media and the public. The public has a right to know when they have been lied to.” I will keep you advised on what Jim Carrey does, but it looks like he is in some legal and financial trouble. UPDATE #3: October 18, 2016: Brigid Sweetman released a statement Tuesday October 18. 2016, calling Carrey a “complete liar” for not producing the test results. “One week ago, I offered to drop my case against Jim Carrey if he released his STD test from 2013 and it showed he was clean as he has told the world,” Sweetman said in a statement released by her attorney. “He has refused to release the test, which shows he is a complete liar and cannot be trusted to be honest with the public and the media in this case.” Sweetman’s lawsuit alleges that Carrey contributed to White’s 2015 suicide by providing her with drugs and transmitting multiple STDs to her without telling her he was infected. “Jim Carrey should be ashamed of what he did to my daughter. And he should be ashamed for how he has used his Hollywood attorneys to badmouth Cat’s husband Mark with the hope that nobody will hold him responsible for what he did,” Sweetman said in a statement after filing the lawsuit. The complaint goes on to claim that Carrey tested positive for multiple STDs in 2013, using the name Jose Gomez for the tests. White’s estranged husband, Mark Burton, has made similar allegations in a separate wrongful death lawsuit. Carrey's lawyer went on the record to say: “It is understandable that a mother who has lost a daughter will look for someone to blame. But in directing her grief and rage at Jim Carrey and joining this ridiculous lawyer’s attempt to capitalize on Cathriona’s suicide, Mrs. Sweetman is heading down the same dark path as Cathriona’s green-card ‘husband,’ Mark Burton,” Singer said. “On her 30th birthday, just a few days before her suicide, Cathriona White was distraught having received a message from her mother through Facebook that was so destructive and demoralizing that she instantly deleted her Facebook account so her mother could no longer contact her,” Singer added. “Cathriona often lamented about her contentious relationship with her mother, how she was forced to leave home at the age of 15, and how they had been estranged for years.” Too bad Carrey's lawyer failed to mention what her mother wrote, why Carrey won't release his medical records and why Carrey hired Private Detectives to dig up dirt on his dead girlfriend's family. Those are the actions of a guilty man. UPDATE #4: Jim Carrey Will Face Trial Over Death Of Girlfriend Cathriona White. Her mother and ex-husband are taking Carrey to court. White’s family is now suing Carrey claiming the Hollywood actor was complicit in the 30-year-old's suicide. I hope Carrey loses and spends the rest of his days as a pauper. He is a total shit and a liar.UPDATE #5: February 1, 2018: The wrongful death lawsuit filed against Jim Carrey has been dismissed in a court of law. Once again, celebrity trumps the truth. SIDE NOTE #2: October 26, 2015: Actor and model Sam Sarpong, known for co-hosting MTV’s YO MAMMA (2006 - 2007) with Wilmer Valderrama, died Monday, his rep confirmed. He was 40. Sarpong died after jumping off a bridge in Pasadena, Calif., according to E! News. The Los Angeles County Department of Medical Examiner-Coroner has ruled his death a suicide, with an autopsy pending. Seriously, how many people have to die before we take this suicide situation with the attention it deserves?. It happens a lot more than you think, especially among reality show participants who no longer have their 15 minutes of fame. TROUBLING SIDE NOTE: January 8, 2016: What troubles me about the horror film THE FOREST (2015), which opened as the #4 film of the weekend, the main theme of the film is that of suicide and it doesn't show it as the troubling trend that it is today. Aokigahara, known as the Suicide Forest or Sea of Trees is a 35-square-kilometer forest lying at the north-west base of Mount Fuji in Japan. The forest has an association with demons in Japanese mythology, and is a common suicide site (Japan has more suicides per capita than any other country and it is common for students not doing well in school to kill themselves, usually by hanging because they are ashamed of facing their parents); a sign at the start of the main trail urges suicidal visitors to contact a suicide prevention association. Japan did not give the production permission to film at the actual forest out of respect to the families, so the film had to use another forest in Serbia, but we must learn that even though nothing should be off-limits, there is such a thing called respect and some people should learn how to use it. Especially filmmakers. Don't use suicide as a plot device. Too many good people have died because they suffer from depression, a legitimate disease and using it to make a horror film is just bad taste. Japan did right by its suicide victims, but this film does nothing but perpetrate the myth of the psychology of the deadly practice, especially in the first third of the movie. Besides, it's a PG-13 Rated hunk of junk that will disappear from the top 20 after the first week. Suicide is never a good subject for a horror film, but it should be discussed seriously with your kids and other family members. Films like this make it seem that suicide victims haunt people. They do, but not in the way this film portrays them. Let's just be more responsible and cognizant of the fact that there are families out there still suffering from suicidal relatives or friends. SIDE NOTE #3: March 26, 2017: Clay Adler, former star of MTV's now defunct NEWPORT HARBOR: THE REAL ORANGE COUNTY committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. He was just 27 years old. I believe we should take a long hard look about what reality shows do to the psyche of the participants when the show is over. There are just too many suicides associated with reality shows, yet we just report them and forget about it. Time for action, not inaction. SIDE NOTE #4: May 17, 2017: Chris Cornell, the former front man of Soundgarden (and one of the chief architects of grunge music) and member of the musical group Audioslave, whose music was heard on countless Theatrical Films and TV Series, committed suicide by hanging in Detroit while on a concert tour with Soundgarden. He was nominated for a Golden Globe® for Best Original Song - Motion Picture ("The Keeper") in 2012 from the film MACHINE GUN PREACHER. He was found unresponsive in Detroit and pronounced dead. Another life taken away from us. Chris Cornell was 52 years-old. SIDE NOTE #5: My condolences go out to film director Zack Snyder and his wife. One of their eight children, Autumn Snyder, committed suicide on March 20, 2017 at the age of 20. The list of suicides per day has risen from 117 in 2014 to 129 in 2016. Things are getting worse because our President just doesn't care. SIDE NOTE #6: July 20, 2017: Chester Bennington, the frontman of the band Linkin Park, committed suicide by hanging. He was just 41 years old. No one knows at the moment why he did it (It was on Chris Cornell's birthday and he sang Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" at Cornell's memorial service.), but the band released a "Pop" album called called "One More Light" in May 2017 which was unlike any album released by the band. There is a song called "Heavy" on that album that is one of the best songs Linkin Park has ever done (They were playing a concert in France and when they got done playing their most famous song, "In The End", Bennington started singing "Heavy" and someone in the crowd threw a gallon jug of water at him. They didn't want to hear Linkin Park sing Pop songs, but it will go down as one of the band's best songs.). If you listen to the lyrics of that song, it may give you clues on why Bennington took his own life. Another life needlessly wasted. SIDE NOTE #7: September 15, 2017: Michelle Rounds, Rosie O’Donnell’s ex-wife, has died at age 46. TMZ reports that Rounds died Monday by apparent suicide. “I am saddened to hear about this terrible tragedy,” O’Donnell said in a statement. “Mental illness is a very serious issue affecting many families. My thoughts and prayers go out to Michelle’s family, her wife and their child.” O’Donnell and Rounds married in New York in June 2012, and they announced in January 2013 that they had adopted a baby girl, Dakota. AS you can plainly see Mental Illness has no bias It attacks nearly everyone and suicide is sometimes the only answer in their minds. Why haven't we brought this subject out into the open? SIDE NOTE #8: March 04, 2019: Today, Keith Flint, lead singer of The Prodigy ("Smack My Bitch Up", "Firestarter"), died, his death has been ruled a suicide as a result of hanging. Why do singers think that suicide is the answer? It isn't. We lost Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington to suicide in 2017 and I'm still hurting from that. Nothing should be so bad that suicide is the answer. It is the coward's way out. Suicide doesn't just affect the person who commits it. It affects everyone, from their family to their fans. Unfortunately, he passed away the same day Luke Perry died of a heart attack at the age of 52, giving his death less press than was necessary. Isn't it about time we seriously study why famous people believe suicide is the answer?

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