ODDS 'N' ENDS
Biased
Musings Of Anything On My Mind
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During one of my bouts of insomnia, I turned on the TV and tuned in to HBO and started watching SEXY BEAST (2000), a crime caper starring Ray Winstone and a physically and verbally abusive Ben Kingsley, giving the performance of his career. You'll forget that he played Gandhi here. Never in my life have I heard the word "cunt" spew relentlessly out of someone's mouth, as Kingsley does here. He's got not one redeemable quality, as he beats up and shouts obscenities at both men and women at his whim and he enjoys it. When he gets his comeuppance at the end of the film, you actually feel relieved. The final 30 seconds of the film, when Kingsley meets the Devil (literally) is such a gut-busting hilarious scene, that it will leaves you howling with laughter for a long time after. Definitely one of the best endings of any movie in recent years.
Hey,
I hate to admit it, but I'm a big fan of Steven Seagal. Sure, he's
made some stinkers in his career (THE
PATRIOT -
1998 and THE GLIMMER MAN -
1996 come to mind), but when he is used in the right vehicle, such as EXIT
WOUNDS (2001),
he really shines. But even I have to
draw the line seeing Seagal in one of Albert Pyun's stinkers called TICKER
(2000), a mess of a film about a serial bomber with a grudge. How
Pyun also got Dennis Hopper and Tom Sizemore (the Heidi
Fleiss-beater) to star in this mish-mash of a film (that also
utilizes portions of seven other action films, including WARHEAD
[1996], THE PEACEKEEPER
[1997] and OCTOPUS [2000], to
pad out the running time) will be a mystery that only Sherlock Holmes
could solve. Pyun disappeared after making this film and has not been
seen in public, due to problems with financiers that he would rather
not see again (or so I've heard). Or maybe Seagal saw the final cut
and had some of his CIA buddies stop Pyun from ever making another
film. This is absolutely the worst film of Seagal's resume. I just
saw Seagal's THE FOREIGNER (2003)
on the USA Network and OUT FOR
A KILL (2003) on DVD and they are bad, but not Pyun bad (Both
were directed by THE BREED's
[2001] Michael Oblowitz). He's also been vindicated in the Julius R.
Nasso court trial as Mr. Nasso has admitted that he and some Mob
buddies tried to shake down Seagal for money for every film he makes.
My wife thinks I'm crazy, but I like Steven Seagal as an actor. I
always thought that your personal life and professional life should
be kept separate, something she cannot comprehend. Who cares if his
past is "shady" (or that they Photoshop all the wrinkles
off his face on the DVD covers)? I sure don't! Everyone has got a
skeleton in their closet if you look close enough. For a visual look
at all the recent direct-to-video Seagal films, click HERE.
Speaking
of the USA Network: Is it me or do they have two of the best series
on TV right now? I am talking about MONK,
starring the
facinating performance of Tony Shalhoub as Adrian Monk, a crack
ex-detective who has solved every case except the killing of his
wife, giving him an extreme case of obsessive-compulsive disorder
(OCD). Shalhoub's textured performance has already earned him a
Golden Globe and he has been nominated for an Emmy for (believe it or
not) best performance in a comedy series (which he has since won!).
His acting in this series is not just for comic effect, as his
multi-layered portrayal as Monk is funny as well as heartbreaking.
I've always admired Shalhoub's talent, dating back to the comedy
series WINGS (1990
- 1997) and in movies such as THE SEIGE
(1998), THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE
(2001), and of course THIR13EN
GHOSTS (2001). MONK also
contains one of the best supporting casts in a TV series: Bitty
Schram as Monk's very patient and outspoken caregiver Sharona (who
has since left the series over monetary demands); Ted Levine
("Buffalo Bill" in SILENCE
OF THE LAMBS - 1991) as Monk's ex-Captain Stottlemeyer and
Jason Gray-Stanford as Lt. Disher, who has a thing for Sharona. This
series blows anything away on Network TV. Apparently ABC TV also
thought so, and began airing season one repeats in prime-time to
decent ratings. I believe this is a first for a Cable TV series to
get a showing on Network TV. Usually it's the other way around. The
other
series I am also talking about is THE
DEAD ZONE. It is one of the most intricately plotted TV
series on the air today, rivaled, I believe, only by NBC's BOOMTOWN,
another criminally-overlooked series currently on the air (Which NBC
put on "hiatus" after only 2 episodes in its' second
season. They wouldn't know quality if it bit them in the ass.). A
grown-up Anthony Michael Hall plays Johnny Smith, who comes out of a
five-year coma with powers to see the future by just touching a
person or object. The transition effects are excellent and the
scriptwriters are to be congratulated for turning a one-dimensional
premise into a facinating viewing experience. Several episodes are
extremely well-made, evoking emotional responses from the viewer that
come quite unexpectedly. The one episode when he touches a woman in a
bar and sees a beautiful relationship developing (that he desperately
needs, since his fiancee married the town's sheriff when he was in
the coma) only to be offset by some intrigue which involves her
death, leaves a lump in your throat as he has to make the only
decision that keeps everyone out of trouble and leaves him all alone
again. Stephen King can be proud of this adaptation of THE
DEAD ZONE. These series, along with FX's excellent cop
series THE SHIELD,
make having cable a must. With all the Reality TV crap being
spoon-fed to us on a daily basis, it's good to know that some people
still know how to produce something of substance and thought.
I'm sick and tired of buying DVDs and then spending the next half hour removing the "security tape" from the three sides of the package. Trying to remove the stickers without ruining the packaging is a losing proposition. Since all DVDs have a security device placed inside the packaging (you know: that little black or white rectangle glued next to the disk), is there any reason why security tape has to be attached to all three sides? Why not attach it to one side and put it on the outside of the cellophane wrapping? That would make everyone happy. I actually scratched a DVD when trying to remove the sticker from one side as the knife went into the packaging and put a nasty gouge in the disk. Amazon.com would not take it back since the package was opened!!! Another instance had me tearing the cover art because the sticker was attached to it. This happened on the HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES DVD, which has the worst packaging I have ever seen on a DVD. This shit has to stop.
A lot of people have asked me what my favorite films are. Boy, that's a tough one. There are so many films that I enjoy that coming up with a Top 10 List would just make my mind implode. Some films will never be reviewed on this site because they would be considered too "mainstream" or have just been over-reviewed everywhere else. Yes, I admit it: I do watch those blockbusters that are usually cookie-cutter candy for the eyes. Sometimes though, there are some good one out there. I'm a big fan of Michael Bay's ARMAGEDDON (1998). I do find most of Mr. Bay's other efforts to be overblown and overlong, but this one worked for me on an emotional and action level. The critics lambasted it but I found it to be a heart-pounding rollercoaster ride. If you don't cry at the end of this film, you must be a robot or a member of the Taliban. Nobody better diss Bruce Willis around me. I find him to be one of the most diverse actors in films today and I bet 50 years from now, history will bear me out. DIE HARD (1988) and DIE HARD 2 (1990) are two of my favorite big-budget action films. But since this is a web site devoted to non-traditional film fare, I will list some of my favorite obscure films and TV shows of all genres in no particular order:
THE ASPHYX (Creepy and original)
SATAN'S CHILDREN (Must be seen!)
THE RAPTURE (God's revenge is sweet)
DIRTY MARY CRAZY LARRY (Best downbeat end)
BLOOD FREAK(S) (Best badfilm ever!)
RE-ANIMATOR (An absolute original)
DON'T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT (70's classic)
PHANTASM (Not the sequels)
DAY OF THE DEAD (Highly underrated)
HITZ (Weirdness to the extreme)
HARDGORE (Porn horror to the extreme)
DUNGEON OF HARROW (60's classic)
MEN OF WAR (Give it a try)
EQUINOX (Best student film)
RAW FORCE (Extreme martial arts/gore)
DEATH WISH CLUB (Perverse horror tale)
WENDIGO (It hit me in the gut)
MESSIAH OF EVIL (Creepy!)
THE OUTER LIMITS TV SERIES (Both Series)
NO CONTEST (Great action film)
BEST MEN (Great cast, great plot)
THE PROPHECY (1995) (Forget the sequels)
INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS (70's best)
CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE (VC cannibals)
DEAD BANG (Don Johnson puking!)
HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES (More, please!)
I DRINK YOUR BLOOD (I love rabies!)
HONEYMOON KILLERS (B&W masterpiece)
FREEWAY (Freaky thriller)
BLOODRAGE (Scuzziest film ever!)
NIGHT OF THE DEMON (1979) (Penis yanking!)
ROAD-KILL (Best low-budget serial killer)
THE SALTON SEA (A thrill to watch)
PUMPKINHEAD (Unjustly ignored horror yarn)
ALABAMA'S GHOST (Weirdest PG film)
MILLENNIUM TV SERIES (I hear horses)
THE RESURRECTED (Best H.P. Lovecraft)
THE PACK (Best rabid dog film)
THE X-FILES TV SERIES (First 4 Seasons)
RETROACTIVE (Best time travel tale)
OVER THE EDGE (Best teen angst film)
RUNAWAY TRAIN (Best existential action)
BLIND FURY (Rutger Hauer's best film)
DEADMATE (Best necrophilia film)
DRIVE (Best non-Hong Kong action comedy)
ROLLING THUNDER (Best 70's revenge)
KING OF THE ANTS (Brutal!)
I will be adding more films to the list as they come to my mind. I'm sure that there's many of you out there that will disagree with my list. Email me here with your list and I will put it on a page created especially for the readers.
Here's
my take on the new TV series premiering for the 2003 - 2004 season:
Don't waste your time. Besides the highly-weird and surreal CARNIVALE
on HBO (Think David Lynch on crack during the Depression-era 30's
starring the under-appreciated Clea DuVall and the
always-welcome Michael J. Anderson), TV pretty much stinks this year.
The only slight standouts are the Jerry Bruckheimer
executive-produced COLD
CASE, due to the excellent acting talents of star Kathryn
Morris and the prudent direction of Mark Pellington (THE
MOTHMAN PROPHECIES) in the pilot episode (and great use of
CCR's song "Have You Ever Seen The Rain" which
packs and emotional gut-punch in the pilot finale) and the series
premiere of JOAN OF ARCADIA,
starring Russ Tamblyn's talented daughter Amber Tamblyn as teenager
Joan who has a direct connection with God, who needs her for some
unknown reason and sends her on tasks that she does not understand.
It also stars the late John Ritter's son Jason Ritter as Joan's
wheelchair-bound brother. While the pilot episode had the outlandish
plot going for it, subsequent episodes have been lacking and have
turned somewhat preachy. If I want preachy, I'll watch Clancy Brown
as the fire-and-brimstone priest on CARNIVALE.
Most of the other new series are CSI
or LAW & ORDER
wannabes. Between that and all the reality-based series on the air,
this has to be the worst year for TV ever. While I still watch N.Y.P.D.
BLUE and WITHOUT
A TRACE without
fail, I find myself watching more and more DVDs and videos, which
can only be good for this site. It's no wonder that more and more
people are watching Cable TV and staying away from the Networks.
It's nice to see that the new version of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003) has something in common with the original: They are both narrated by actor John Larroquette. John got an early start doing narration on the opening of the original 1974 version and has become a star in his own right. It's great that he has not forgotten his roots and has done the same for the remake (I'm also sure they paid him well for his services). That's also John you hear narrating the TV trailers for the film. Just a bit of useless trivia that tickled my funnybone.
I
recently bought the DVD of JEEPERS
CREEPERS 2 (2003) and, while I thought it was OK (the
original JEEPERS CREEPERS
[2001] was much better and actually improves on repeated viewings,
even if my wife hates this film with all her heart for reasons I will
never understand), I was actually creeped out by what was shown on
the screen of a non-scary nature. As everyone probably knows by now,
director Victor Salva is a convicted sex offender (a 13 year-old boy
performed oral sex on Salva while he was making his first film CLOWNHOUSE
[1988], the act which Salva videotaped and received 15 months in
jail). On this film the camera lovingly lingers on the naked torsos
of a suntanning male basketball team, whose bus has broken down in
the middle of nowhere, the fodder for the Creeper. I could just
imagine Salva getting excited filming these scenes and it made my
stomach turn. There's also an extra on the DVD called "A Day In
Hell" where the camera follows the extremely overweight Salva on
a typical day of shooting the film, hugging his male actors after a
particularly tough day of shooting. Ugh! Don't get me wrong. I
actually like a lot of Salva's films (his NATURE
OF THE BEAST [1995] is a really good thriller and POWDER
[also 1995] is an underrated gem), but he should not be able to be
around young boys at all. I know he's served his time and he's
probably learned his lesson, but statistics show that sex offenders
are 72% more likely to repeat their crimes than any other criminal
act. That's why there's a national sex offenders database.
I
admit it: I'm an eBayer. I buy hard to find videos on eBay and
transfer them to DVD-R's for posterity's sake. Let me tell you about
one experience: I won an auction for HEARTBREAK
MOTEL, a retitled version of POOR
PRETTY EDDIE (1973; a.k.a. REDNECK
COUNTY; MASSACRE
AT REDNECK COUNTY), a drive-in classic directed
by Richard Robinson that I remember seeing in theaters under the
misleading title BLACK VENGEANCE (to
cash in on the blaxploitation fad at the time). Confused yet? This
sleazy little gem concerns a famous black singer (Leslie Uggams)
getting stuck in some southern backwater town after her Mercedes
breaks down. There she meets Eddie (Michael Christian), alcoholic
ex-stripper Shelley Winters (!) and real trouble begins. Eddie is an
aspiring singer and recognizes Leslie and takes a shining to her,
raping her repeatedly and making her take pictures of him in his
Elvis jumpsuit and guitar. Leslie is degraded repeatedly by the
townsfolk (including Slim Pickens and Dub Taylor) until a shocking
and violent ending where Eddie is shotgunned by Leslie when he tries
to marry her with the whole town present. The only problem is that HEARTBREAK
MOTEL is a total retooling of the original film (probably made
for TV consumption since the original film could never be shown on
regular TV at the time). It seems that in 1978 director David Worth
(who photographed the original and may have helped Robinson direct
some scenes) re-edited the film (adding some outtakes from the
original film), cut out all the nudity, sex and violence and
completely changed the ending. Eddie lives, Leslie escapes and
everyone lives happily ever after as if nothing ever happened.
Missing is the scene of Eddie raping Leslie while the film intercuts
to two dog screwing. The entire shotgun scene is missing and scenes
are shuffled around to the point of the film making no sense. All the
violence is completely gone, as is the scene where Eddie serves a
breakfast made of freshly-butchered dog. Eddie is made to look like a
helpless loser rather than the psychopath that he was in the original
film. David Worth takes directorial credit and Richard Robinson is
credited as "Director of Production". Avoid this
bastardized version at all costs. It's not worth your time and
effort. The box to the VidAmerica
VHS video even has the gall to show Shelley Winters holding the
bloody dying Eddie in her arms! Buyer beware! NOTE: Boutique
label Cultra released POOR
PRETTY EDDIE in its original form and aspect ratio in 2011
in a DVD/Blu-Ray combo pack. It's not a very good transfer, but I
don't believe we will see the film look any better.
Another film that holds the distinction of being in two different versions is director John M. Grissmer's BLOOD RAGE (1984). It's a bloody, if somewhat routine, slasher flick distinguished by some extreme outputs of gore and the overacting abilities of Louise Lasser. It's released under that title on the Prism Entertainment label. During the late 80's and early 90's it was released to pay cable under the title NIGHTMARE AT SHADOW WOODS. Some of the scenes are shuffled around and all of the gore is missing! What remains is a hodgepodge of scenes that lead nowhere and murders that cut away when the gore is about to be displayed. I ask all of you out there: WHAT'S THE POINT? It's like watching a porn film missing all the "money shots". If I want that, I'll subscribe to the SPICE network!
THE
CIRCLE OF THE MORAL MAJORITY DEPT.: It used to be that violence would
bring the downfall of our society. When FRIDAY
THE 13TH came out and showed us that violence could be a big
moneymaker, the Christian right-wing lobbied to stop showing extreme
violence in films and TV or suffer their wrath. Well, the movie and
television industries listened (they didn't want to lose any
advertising dollars) and most of the horror films released in the
mid-80's were either chopped to hell for an R-Rating or released
Unrated (a death knell to most theaters). Most of the FRIDAY THE
13TH sequels were edited down to the point of being unwatchable
(Remember Part 7?).
Things calmed down in the mid-90's and violence was again accepted
(as long as it was tastefully done). Now that Janet Jackson bared her
nipple in a "wardrobe malfunction" for one second on the
Super Bowl halftime show, these same right-wing do-gooders are now
doing to sex what they did to violence in the 80's. What was accepted
for the past several years on TV and radio is now considered
obscene as we witnessed a darkening of a sex scene on NYPD
BLUE, a scene of an 80 year-old woman's breast was excised
on ER and Howard Stern was kicked off
of six Clear Channel radio stations. I'm not a big fan of Stern's,
but it digusts me that an individual at this time cannot make up
their own mind what they consider acceptable and unacceptable. The
FCC will be imposing fines that will put many people out of business
and dictate what you and I watch and hear. What's next? Offensive
smells? (Oops, sorry I farted, here's $750,000 to ease your pain and
suffering.) It's just another instance of the government buckling
under the pressure of religious fanatics and caving-in to their every
demand. It's funny that these same people do not have a problem with
Mel Gibson's THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST,
one of the bloodiest R-Rated films ever made but, since it is about
religion, it's considered a must-see for adults and children
alike. This double standard has got to stop. Whatever happened
to freedom of choice? The Bush Administration has time and time again
made it clear that they don't care about individual's rights. They
would rather keep you stupid and misinformed; all the better to
control what you see and hear. Voice your displeasure the next time
you vote. You do vote, don't you? UPDATE: READ THIS - WASHINGTON -
Faced with public ire over racy language, explicit scenes and
skin-baring outfits, the Senate overwhelmingly agreed on Tuesday
(June 22, 2004) to fine radio and television broadcasters and
personalities as much as $3 million a day for airing indecent
entertainment. After the uproar stoked by Janet Jackson and Justin
Timberlake's "wardrobe malfunction" at this year's Super
Bowl, the Senate rushed the bill through on a 99-1 vote without floor
debate. GOP Sen. Sam Brownback of Kansas said the issue had been
debated enough. Lawmakers have continually criticized broadcasters
for airing what they say is increasingly coarse programming that can
be seen or heard by children. "People are tired of this indecent
material on over-the-air public broadcast, particularly during prime
time when people's families are watching," said Brownback, the
bill's sponsor. "We're going to have to take action because the
broadcasters won't police themselves." Under the measure, the
maximum fine for both broadcasters and entertainers would increase to
up to $275,000 per indecent incident, up from $27,500 for license
holders and $11,000 for personalities. The fines would keep
increasing for each incident until a maximum fine of $3 million a day
is reached. The House passed a similar bill that would set fines at
$500,000. Differences between the two bills must be worked out. The
Senate moved the measure without debate as part of the massive
defense bill expected to be approved later this week. The only
senator to vote against the measure was Sen. John Breaux, D-La.
Breaux said he opposed the bill partly because "it deals with
communications and media issues and should not have been attached to
a national security and defense bill." Federal law and FCC rules
prohibit over-the-air radio and television stations from airing
offensive material that refers to sexual and excretory functions
between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m., hours when children are more likely to be
tuned in. No such restrictions exist for cable and satellite TV or
satellite radio. The FCC currently has no power to regulate those
channels, which are available through subscription to the 85 percent
of the 108.4 million U.S. households with televisions. Introduced in
January, after FCC Chairman Michael Powell demanded higher fines, the
bill wound up on a fast track to passage after the Feb. 1 Super Bowl
halftime show that ended with Timberlake partially exposing Jackson's
breast for an instant to 90 million viewers. The incident generated
more than 500,000 complaints to the FCC. If the legislation isn't
approved as part of the bill to authorize spending for the Defense
Department, Brownback said he would try to find another way to get it
through the Senate. "This is something the public wants,"
he said. IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR VOTE DOESN'T COUNT, DOES IT? Unless
you suffer from dementia or Alzheimer's you must know that your
rights are being chipped away a small piece at a time until one day
you will wake up and find out that you have no rights at all.
Government is weaseling its' way more and more into our personal
lives, treading where they have no business being in the first place.
President Bush has no problem joining the Church and State together
to get his way. Too many of his mandates have bypassed normal
legislative procedures. He cites that during "wartime",
these steps have to be taken to ensure our safety. Who does he thing
he's kidding? Why do you think Michael Moore's FAHRENHEIT
9/11
got an R Rating instead of a PG-13? Could it have something to do
with Jack Valenti (of the infamous MPAA) and his ties to the
Presidency? Thank God Valenti is retiring, but who knows who is going
to take his place? (Turns out it's Dan Glickman, former Agriculture
Secretary under President Clinton!?! His son is Jonathan Glickman,
producer of SHANGHAI
KNIGHTS and RUSH HOUR 1 & 2
and other PG-13 rated films.) Stay tuned as this drama plays out.
ALIEN VS. PREDATOR is rated PG-13!!!! Why the hell bother? Since all the previous Alien and Predator films have been rated R, this just proves that major film studios are pandering to the mass market to get the most bang for their buck: the teenagers. Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against teenagers. I was one once. But when I was one in the 70's I had no problem getting into R-rated films and I had my parents' blessing. Today, it's nearly impossible for a teen to get into an R-rated film without being accompanied by an adult or by having their parent sign a card giving their kid permission to go to one (which some theatre chains now do and I compliment them). I've read recently in the papers that some right-wing group has said that PG-13 films today are the equivalent of R-rated films of the late 80's and early 90's. While that may be true (that period of time is when Tipper Gore went on a rampage trying to label everything to "protect our children" and basically succeeded), it does not apply to the R-rated exploitation films of the 70's and early 80's. I'll even bet that if AVP were released in the fall or winter instead of summertime, the film would have been shot to get an R-rating. Let's face it: Summertime is for children and we adults are left out in the cold. We have to wait for them to go back to school to get what we need. MORE BAD NEWS: The DVD released on 01/25/05 is still the PG-13 rated version. It does have an alternate beginning and some lame deleted scenes, but they are not incorporated in the film and have to be watched separately. C'mon! It must have been shot with some R-rated scenes. Director Paul W.S. Anderson is no stranger to the R territory, directing such films as EVENT HORIZON (1997), SOLDIER (1998) and RESIDENT EVIL (2002). Isn't that the point of DVDs, adding the extras and incorporating the cut footage back into the film? UPDATE: A new DVD has been released on 11/29/05 with an unrated edition. I'm sick and tired of buying a DVD and then a few months to a year later having another edition of the film released. The same thing happened with SAW. It was released in an unrated edition when SAW II was released to theaters. Just another way for the huge production companies to squeeze every penny out of a film. I refuse to buy a film twice unless there is something substantial to be had.
I'm
getting sick and tired of TV stations squeezing the end credits of
series and movies so they can show even more promos. You see it
everywhere, as the credits are shrunk on the top half, bottom half,
left side or right side of the screen to make way for more inane
previews of upcoming shows (that give away vital plot points!). It's
even worse when they show movies. The end credits speed by so quickly
that they are unreadable. This is a total disservice to all those
responsible for putting shows and films together as a cohesive whole.
What really gets me riled though, is that pay cable is now doing the
same thing. If I'm paying a monthly charge to watch movies "uncut
and unedited", I expect to see them that way. I don't want to
see station identification logos onscreen (like Showtime does),
squeezed end credits (most pay cable stations do this now, but Starz
and Encore are the main offenders) or making-of featurettes shown
during the end credits (HBO, Starz and Encore). They supposedly do
this to "stop illegal distribution of copyrighted films",
but come'on: Do the sins of the few have to affect the many? This is
corporate greed, plain and simple. Write to the stations and tell
them to stop this practice. Don't get me started on the practice of
showing commercials in theatres: I recently went to see THE
FORGOTTEN (2004) at an AMC Theatre and had to sit through 15
minutes of commercials. Not trailers, mind you, but COMMERCIALS! Ads
for Coke, Hewlett-Packard, Chrysler and other companies blared on the
big screen. The only difference between here and home is that they
had a captive audience that couldn't press the channel button on the
remote control. I may just stop going to theatres and wait for the
DVD release but I'm sure that they'll invade that format (if they
haven't already done so) very soon. This shit has got to stop!
I
usually don't review films that are shown on TV with commercials, but
I have to say something about the movie FRANKENFISH
(2004), which
made its debut on the SCI-FI Channel on October 9, 2004. With a
title like that, you would think that it would be a comedy but that
couldn't be farther from the truth. It was one of the bloodiest
things that I ever saw on basic cable and that's saying a lot. It
starts out rather slowly, allowing characters to be introduced and
supplying a little background. Then about at the halfway mark people
begin to get slaughtered by the giant land-walking fish (actually
mutated Chinese Snakeheads). It's a sight to behold. Richard Edson
(playing a pot-smoking nudist) gets his head bitten off.
Another gets bitten in half while climbing a ladder. Still another
gets thrown into the spinning blades of an air boat. But the most
surprising bit of violence comes when China Chow, playing a main
character and sidekick to medical examiner Tory Kittles, gets half
her face blown off by an errant shotgun blast. It comes as quite a
shock and is alone worth watching this film. Director Mark A.Z. Dippe (SPAWN
- 1997) fills the film with quirky character actors, including genre
film stalwarts Muse Watson, Mark Boone Junior, Tomas Arana and Raoul
Trujillo and some good location work. It does rely a little too much
on CGI, but not knowing if another major character is going to be
killed off more than makes up for it's shortcomings. There definitely
was some editing done on SCI-FI's behalf, so wait until it comes out
on DVD (about 2 weeks after it's TV premiere). This film is better
than most of the junk that makes their debut on SCI-FI,
including the similarly-themed SNAKEHEAD
TERROR (2003).
I
give ABC-TV a lot of credit for showing Steven Speilberg's SAVING
PRIVATE RYAN uncut and unedited (with limited commercial
interruptions) on Veterans Day 2004. Since Speilberg would only let
this film be screened on TV that way (this is the third time it was
shown on TV this way), I guess it shows how much clout he has when it
comes to showing his films on TV. It's probably the best depiction of
war ever made for film (especially the first 25 minutes, a cinema
verite of sudden death, bloody water,
spilled guts and body parts). What really chaps my ass is that the
ABC-TV affiliates down South in the Bible-Belt, George Bush-loving
States refused to show the film due to it's coarse language (none of
the "fucks" were bleeped out and all of the salty language
was intact). Citing fear of the FCC, these affiliates refused to show
the film, instead putting on RETURN TO MAYBERRY in it's place!
This is a slap in the face to all Veterans who served in Wars.
Soldiers were known to use rough language and Speilberg was not
afraid to play it straight. All the Veterans of War that I talked to
agreed that RYAN is one of the finest depictions of the
experience of being in the middle of a confrontation ever depicted on
celluloid. To these Southern State politicians and business big-wigs
I only have one thing to say: "Welcome to the 21st Century.
There is no more racial discrimination (except in Texas, where they
love to drag Black men behind pickup trucks), people are dying every
day in a War we have no business being in (except to protect our oil
interests) and TV is not the root of all evil. People are the root of
all evil and it's your backwards-thinking that delays the progress of
mankind. Thanks to you, we will have four more years of religious
fervor and needless casualties. Get your heads out of your asses and
think straight for a change. When we say, 'God Bless America', we're
not saying 'Screw Everyone Else'. Please wise up before before it's
too late." I'm not knocking the good citizens of these States,
even if you did give Bush four more years to rule the roost. I don't
think I'm being paranoid. I just can't seem to get my mind
around how people can be so easily manipulated, even when there's
evidence out there to put most of the major politicians behind bars
or at least out of office. Why do you think that a lot of Bush's
cabinet members jumped ship after he was re-elected? I think
conscience had a lot to do with it. I've lost all confidence in our
voting system.
Here's
my take on the 2004 -2005 TV Season so far: LOST
is the best new show this year, period! There's nothing better than
watching this show about 47 people stranded on a mysterious island
after a plane crash and learning about their lives in the backstories
that truly twist and turn. The episode about John Locke's (Terry
O'Quinn) backstory ("Walkabout") was a stunner and opened a
whole new can of worms about what
this island really is. The producer, J.J. Abrams, who also created ALIAS
(a show I was never able to get 'in' to) and directed the magnificent
2 hour pilot, has crafted a show about duality. Just when you
think you get to know a character something surprising turns up which
makes you take a 180 degree turn. This is what great television is
supposed to be. It could have been hokey, but it grips you and pulls
you in. I just wish that they would open the hatch already! Other
observations: Charles Durning should win an Emmy for Best Supporting
Guest Star on the series NCIS
(formerly NAVY NCIS). His
portrayal as a confused WWII Medal of Honor winner who turns himself
in for murdering his best friend during the War is a heartbreaking,
warm and funny performance of an old man slowly losing his mind
because everyone he once knew is now dead. Cudos also to Mark Harmon
as the caffeine-addicted head of this NCIS investigative group, a
no-nonsense boss but is loyal when it counts. A shout-out to Poppy
Montgomery for her excellent acting in the two-part WITHOUT
A TRACE episode dealing with a missing girl. We got to know
a lot about her character in these episodes which makes us appreciate
her humanity and fallability. An Emmy to her also. And what about the
season-opener of THIRD WATCH?
It was one of the most exciting and nerve-wracking episodes ever as
the seige of the hospital by Gene Simmon's hired goons resulted in so
many gunshots and one spine-tingling knife fight and an ending that
more than satisfies (who wouldn't want to see Simmons shot dead while
handcuffed and fall into a pool?). Since this is the series last
season, you can be sure that major characters will die. The TV season
is still young (I'm writing this in early December 2004), so I'm
looking for more great things in the near future. HOUSE
M.D. is also a promising show (already renewed for a second
season) and Hugh Laurie's performance as the caustic and
Vicodin-popping title character is amusing as well as surprising.
Also, enough with the CSI spinoffs. I
know that they are big money makers for CBS, but the newest one, CSI
N.Y., is so dark and dreary that I get depressed watching
it. It is interesting to note that Deran Serafian, who got his start
starring in movies such as ZOMBI
3 and directing such low-brow films as ALIEN
PREDATOR(S) (1985) and INTERZONE,
is producing this series and directed the pilot. Having Gary
Sinise's wife die in the World Trade Center disaster to me was in bad
taste and panders to the lowest-
common
denominator. Future episodes so far have steered clear of this plot
point, but the series is shot so dark that it is sometimes hard to
see what's going on. Even TV GUIDE backs me up on this. (NOTE: As of
writing this it has lightened-up quite a bit, even injecting some
humor into the proceedings.) Speaking of TV GUIDE: Have you noticed
how they have scaled waaaay back on their late night and morning TV
listings? It's impossible for us insomniacs to find out whats playing
after midnight using it. Their 'BIG MOVIE GUIDE' at the back of the
zine is a farce as they break down films by category. Since when is ALLIGATOR
(1980) or ALLIGATOR
II: THE MUTATION (1990) considered dramas? Shouldn't it be in
the horror section? Flubs like this abound every week and I have come
to depend on my Sunday newspaper's TV pullout for more detailed info
on movies and shows. TV GUIDE has turned from an essential object to
an impulse buy if the cover strikes me. They seem more interested in
theatrical movies than TV anyway. Bad move! Just beginning to watch MEDIUM
and while some of the plots are kind of shop-worn, I do like the
interplay between Patricia Arquette and Jake Weber, who play the
psychic wife and rocket scientist (seriously!) husband. Based on the
life of a real person, there are some "aha!" moments to be
had here, as her visions are not always correct and can be
misinterpreted. The menu scene at the finale of the second episode is
one such moment, although some people just will not get it and
scratch their heads. I like shows like that. It is getting better as
it progresses though, as the episode where her soldier brother comes
back from Iraq and has the sight just like she has. The scene in the
hospital where Arquette wears headphones to drown out the dead people
asking her for help chilled me to the bone. It grabbed enough viewers
to already be renewed for a second season and have 3 additional
episodes filmed for this season. Just saw the first 2 episodes of NUMB3RS
and it doesn't impress me, even though Ridley and Tony Scott are
involved in it. Trying to make mathematics sexy just doesn't cut it
for me. It tries hard (maybe too hard) to surprise the viewer. Good
actors involved in routine CSI-like scripts. LAW
& ORDER: TRIAL BY JURY (the fourth series in the
franchise) is actually a good series that shows what the other three
don't. If you have ever served on a Grand Jury, you will know that it
actually happens as they show it on the series. Since the
regretful and sad death of co-star Jerry Orbach (who filmed two
episodes before he died), the series still shines, even if it is put
in the unwanted 10:00 PM Friday slot (against NUMB3RS). As of
May 2005, NBC has announced that it will not be back next season.
Scripted TV is back, baby! R.I.P. Reality TV!
Whew!
I just got done watching the 17 film JAMES
BOND MARATHON (The Pierce Brosnan films were excluded) on
the ENCORE Network the weekend of January 14 - 16, 2005 and my eyes
and brain are really tired. I did find much satisfaction as well as
some downsides to this marathon. I know that I'm in the minority, but
my favorite is still ON
HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969). It
still packs the most emotional punch and contains some of the best
action sequences of any Bond film. George Lazenby is more than
adequate as Bond (I would have liked to see him do more films) and
Diana Rigg's death is still the most shocking scene in any Bond
film. I'm not knocking Sean Connery (who in my opinion reached
his pinnacle in GOLDFINGER -
1964). Without him there would be no James Bond. His early films as
Bond showcased him as a mean mother who wasn't too good to bitch-slap
or arm-twist a woman for giving him a wrong answer and was shown as a
cold-blooded killer. As the films progressed, the films got jokier
and gadget-laden (not always a bad thing) and Roger Moore's films
were the chief offenders. Don't get me wrong, they're all good films,
better than 90% of the films being made at the time. Again, I may be
in the minority but I find Moore's FOR
YOUR EYES ONLY (1981) to be his best Bond film. Although
Timothy Dalton did only two Bond films, LICENCE
TO KILL (1989) is a kick-ass action film which brings Bond
back to the angry man that he once was. It's the only Bond film where
he's not on assignment and everything is personal (Felix Leiter
[David Hedison] and his bride are fed to the sharks and Felix
survives barely). He was one mean son-of-a-bitch (the first Bond film
to get a PG-13 rating) and it ended the marathon perfectly. Another
tidbit that I really liked was Bruce Glover's portrayal as one of a
pair of gay killers in DIAMONDS
ARE FOREVER (1971). The look on his face as he was thrown
overboard on the ship in the finale was priceless. One can see where
his son Crispin Glover gets his unusual acting style. On the
downside, all the films shown were not in letterbox (except for the
credits), they showed the bastard stepchild NEVER
SAY NEVER AGAIN (1983) which doesn't have a place in this
canon (the original version had Connery passing Timothy Dalton in the
casino and winking at each other, but MGM cut the scene when they
bought the picture), and Encore has the habit of putting those
annoying bits of self-promotion at the end title sequences, squeezing
them to the point of being unreadable. (Now Encore and Starz put
their logo at the bottom right of every movie they show! This is
complete bullshit! It's distracting and an insult to the filmmakers.)
Unexcusable for a pay cable network. Still, all-in-all, I had a great
time watching these films uncut (ABC TV
used to cut these films to shreds and digitally added bras and
panties to some of the "Bond Girls" as well as excising
some of the violence and completely shuffling some scenes around,
especially on MAJESTY) and bringing back memories of me as a
kid going to the drive-in with my parents to watch these films. Now,
I need to get some sleep! NOTE: Some later showings of these films on
ENCORE were in fact shown in the widescreen format. They just didn't
advertise it. With the advent of DVD and widescreen, why would anyone
want to watch a fullscreen version if they had a choice? It's just
plain ignorance!
Since August of 2003, I have been turning my entire collection of VHS tapes into the DVD-R format. Here's a hint. Don't skimp when it comes to what type of DVD-Rs you buy. I started out using the ones that CompUSA sells under their own brand name since they were cheap. Well, after nearly two years of converting the tapes, I have come to find out that these DVD-Rs are already beginning to deteriorate and are unusable. Nearly 600 DVD-Rs have to be redone. Do you know how long that is going to take me? Nearly two years! Buy the more expensive brands made by Sony, TDK or Verbatim. Lesson learned.
QUOTES FROM TV SHOWS THAT WILL NEVER BE SHOWN IN TV GUIDE:
*"Ow!
My snatch!" - Calamity Jane (Robin Weigert) on HBO's DEADWOOD
as she sits down in a long-needed hot bath.
*"You
have seven kinds of cockbreath" - Joanie (Kim Dickens). to one
of her whores, as they prepare to go to a funeral on DEADWOOD.
*"I
bet if the price is right, you would let men piss and shit on
you." - Councilman Aceveda (Benito Martinez) to a high-priced
hooker he's been seeing on the side on FX's THE
SHIELD.
*Dr.
Cameron (Jennifer Morrison): "Men should grow up."
Dr.
Gregory House (Hugh Laurie): "Yeah. And dogs should stop
licking themselves. It's not gonna happen." (From HOUSE
M.D.).
*David
(Michael C. Hall): "Do you have any respect for human life whatsoever?"
Nate
(Peter Krause): "I have a HUGE respect for human life, I just
didn't know they could take a dump when they're dead!" (From SIX
FEET UNDER).
*"Eatin'
ain't cheatin'." - Shane (Walt Goggins) to Vic (Michael
Chiklis) after failing the question, "Did you ever have an
affair?" on a lie dectector test. (From THE
SHIELD).
BEST SERIES FINALE SINCE M*A*S*H: The final episode of SIX FEET UNDER was exceptional television. It was written and directed by series creator Alan Ball with a fondness for the characters and how they function as a family unit. The final fifteen minutes will leave you absolutely flabbergasted as we find out the fate of all the series regulars in the future. Especially horrific was the death of Keith, killed by a gunman's bullets while robbing his armored car in 2025. Even though the series faltered the past two seasons, after the death of Nate (Peter Krauss), the series went back to its' prime. A perfect ending to a groundbreaking series.
I've nearly completed re-recording all my VHS tapes to DVD-R. Here's a word of advice: If you put a label on them, they may play well in your DVD player but make it nearly impossible to make copies from a computer DVD recorder. The label somehow makes the DVD-R too thick to read and errors occur when trying to duplicate them. Get yourself a good DVD marker and write the name of the title on the DVD instead of putting a label on it. You will thank me later on. I have three different brands of DVD recorders on my computers, so this phenomenon is not dependent on just one brand. I can't tell you how many hours it took me to finally get my collection back to normal. Lots of lost sleep and lots and lots of cursing.
I'm
just beginning to watch the 2005 - 2006 TV season shows and nothing
substantially new has caught my eye. The pilot for the update of THE
NIGHT STALKER
(which ABC hasn't even bothered to release any advertising material
besides the www.carlkolchak.com website, which has since been
dismantled) was pedestrian at best. Hopefully the storylines will get
better (ABC has since cancelled production on the series and quit
showing the episodes after televising Part 1 of a two-part episode.
They will not be showing Part 2. The Sci-Fi Channel has picked up the
entire 11 episodes for showing in the Summer of 2006 and a DVD box
set will be released May 30, 2006.). There's also too many alien
invasion shows this season, including THRESHOLD (since
cancelled), INVASION and SURFACE
(also cancelled). The only one that I think will survive is INVASION
since it has the prime time slot right after LOST
(It did run a full season but was not picked-up for a second). The
rest of the new shows are again more CSI-wannabees
and are beginning to
get grosser and gorier with shows such as CRIMINAL
MINDS, WANTED, KILLER
INSTINCT and others (the only one to get a second season
pick-up was MINDS). BONES
stands the biggest chance of succeeding because it leads into the
critical darling HOUSE
and it has great chemistry between David Boreanaz and Emily Deschanel
(and it was given a new time slot as well as the green light for a
second season). I'm glad that Patricia Arquette won an Emmy for best
actress in a drama for MEDIUM,
but the award should have went to Glenn Close for her riveting
portrayal as a tough as nails cop on THE
SHIELD. Too bad she will not be back next season (although
Forest Whitaker does make a cool and creepy replacement as the
Internal Affairs officer with a hard-on for Vic). I'm also glad that LOST
won the Emmy as best drama series. This show has so many layers that
each episode demands to be seen more than once. Get the DVD for
Season 1 to see what I mean. The opening episode for Season 2
answered a lot of questions (at least for me), but also added more
questions to the mix. I would advise first-time viewers get the DVD
so they can enjoy Season 2. I still don't get the buzz on DESPERATE
HOUSEWIVES. I find it overblown and totally unreal. Maybe
that's why people like it. It gives them a look at people the way
they would like to be. It's just not my cup of tea. Oh, and let's not
forget William Shatner. I think it's great that he won an Emmy for
his portrayal of Denny Crane on BOSTON
LEGAL. He finally got people to notice that he could act!
Alas, Charles Durning did not win an Emmy as guest actor on NCIS.
It went to Ray Liotta for playing a drunk on E.R..
Just proves my point: Play a drunk, a mentally handicapped person or
a religious zealot and you are guaranteed an Emmy (not to mention an
Oscar). Who came up with the idea for the TV series GHOST WHISPERER?
Didn't Robert Redford do the same thing for horses? I predict that
it will not last that long (I'm wrong. It was picked up for a full
season.). The biggest surprise of the Summer of 2005 was TNT's THE
CLOSER. I predict that Kyra Sedgwick will win an Emmy
as best actress in a drama series next year. She was fantastic as the
transplanted Southerner (with a load of emotional baggage and a
secret sweet tooth) who heads of a squad of detectives in L.A.. Her
politeness speaks volumes in her delivery. If TNT decides to show the
first season again any time soon, I suggest that you watch it. It was
probably the best new series of 2005. One last thing: Let's get Lance
Henriksen back to TV. I've been watching the DVD releases of all 3
seasons of MILLENNIUM
and nearly forgot what an intense actor he is. With the right
vehicle, Mr. Henriksen could once again shine on TV. Better yet, just
bring back MILLENNIUM!
NOTE: The new "thing" on TV is to kill off major
characters on drama series. Ex-President Palmer, Michelle, Tony and
Edgar were all killed on 24.
Lem was killed on THE SHIELD
(he went out with a bang!). A
few major characters have been killed-off on LOST. Aisha
Tyler's character was wasted on the season finale of
GHOST WHISPERER
(the only true piece of twisted plotting on this series). Horatio
Caine's (David Caruso) new wife was shot to death on CSI:
MIAMI
(they had another cast member killed off the season before). Annabeth
Chase's (Jennifer Finnegan) husband was killed in a car accident in
the season finale of CLOSE TO HOME.
Kate (Sasha Alexander) was shot in the head by sniper Ari on NCIS.
And, if anyone cares, Mischa Barton was killed-off on THE O.C.
(I really couldn't give a crap). I'm sure I forgot to mention other
series that have done the same thing this year. Why this new trend
(it's not exactly new, since the news of Henry Blake's death on M*A*S*H
in the 70s, but now it has really blossomed)? I think it's the
production companys way of telling the stars that they are replacable
when their salary raises come due. Not a bad power tactic if you ask
me. Think about it: Is any star worth 5 to 20 million dollars a year?
Another reason is to increase the ratings during sweeps months. In
any case, some of the deaths were truly unexpected and others just
seemed to be put there for shock value. If this continues, all the
new series will be occupied by people created with CGI software. NOTE
#2: In what may be the most boneheaded move in recent television
history, NBC has bumped MEDIUM to a mid-season show for the
2006 - 2007 season, replacing it with the new Adam Sorkin-scripted
show starring Matthew Perry. That's right, the powers-that-be at NBC
decided to replace an Emmy-winng show with another show they have
"total faith" in. It was scheduled to originally appear on
Thursdays at 9:00 PM, but they took a look at what they were going up
against (CSI and GREY'S
ANATOMY) and switched it to Mondays at 10:00 PM. That
doesn't sound like total faith to me. It reeks of desperation. I just
hope Sorkin doesn't get caught with cocaine and mushrooms again. Then
again, maybe I do. MEDIUM doesn't deserve this kind of
treatment. Write or email NBC and
tell them so.
Here it is Halloween Night, October 31, 2005 (my favorite night of the year) and not one kid has come to my door! When I was a kid (many years ago), Halloween was a time of celebration, a night to go out with your friends and get as much candy as you could. Nowadays, parents are scared to let their kids go out and get candy from strangers, being that everyone that they don't know must be a pervert or pedophile. When I was a kid, parents didn't worry about such things. We used to walk for blocks and blocks, knocking on every door and getting candy from nearly every house that we came to (some even gave us money!). Parents need to lighten up a little bit today and let their kids go out on Halloween, even if one of them must chaperone a group. Kids today don't know what they're missing and I blame the overworked, undereducated (in a worldly sense) parents who would rather trust the daily newscast than let their kids go out and have a good night. All the news reports focus on the few bad apples in the bunch and not the decent, law-abiding people who love children coming to their door to see their get-ups. Halloween today is basically an adult holiday, as more mature people dress up in scary and imaginative costumes than kids do. And they have some wild parties! Do you know what I did with all the candy I bought this year? I went to a neighbor's house and gave it all to their kids. You should have saw the smile on their faces. Isn't that what Halloween is all about? (At least in modern-time terms. In ancient times it was totally different.)
A big shout out to Mike Decker and his outfit, Just For The Hell Of It Video. He's an old friend from way back who has been running this service for many, many years. He's finally on the web (www.j4hi.com) and I encourange everyone who is looking for rare and out of circulation films to check out his site and buy them on DVD-R for a measly 20 bucks. You can also use PayPal, which is really convenient. He keeps updating the site, so check back often for new rare releases. Keep up the good work, Mike!
Did anyone else notice Gene Barry and Ann Robinson's cameos as the Grandparents at the end of Steven Spielberg's WAR OF THE WORLDS (2005)? It's a blink-and-you'll miss it moment that deserves a rewind just to see it again. While I found Spielberg's version lacking in the tension and inspirational ending of the 1953 original (despite Morgan Freeman's excellent off-screen narration), I do appreciate the inclusion of Barry and Robinson for those of us who fondly remember the original. Tom Cruise, despite his Scientology and Katie Holmes rants, is good here as a father who needs to learn a few thing about kids and fatherhood. The effects are good and the situations scary, but what the Hell was Spielberg thinking when he put in the Tim Robbins character? He's totally out of place and out of his mind. To have Cruise kill him in order to survive totally changes the tone of the film. This is definitely not one of Spielberg's best, on par with ALWAYS (1989) and AI: ARTIFICIAL INTELLEGENCE (2001).
WARNING:
There's a bunch of DVDs released under the title TALES
OF VOODOO put out by VideoAsia/Ventura Distribution.
So far there are 5 different volumes each containing two films.
Volume 3 contains a film called DEVIL'S
EXPRESS (1975), which I thought was the Warhawk
Tanzania-starrer also known as GANG WARS
(the one about the ancient Chinese demon in the NYC subway with a
special appearance by Brother Theodore who chants: "Moses is
dead, Mohammed is
dead, Buddha is dead and I'm not feeling so hot myself"). Most
online stores advertise the picture as such. Surprise! I was duped.
It is actually a 1981 Hong Kong gross-out film called THE
DEVIL, in which a curse is put on people which makes them
puke out worms and snakes. There is a train in the beginning of the
film, but that in no way makes it the Devil's Express. The picture
quality is VHS-dupe at best on nearly all the films and are to be
avoided at all costs! Most of them are retitled (Volume
2 contains two films that are dubious at best. The first one is
called GHOST NINJA. It is actually one of director Godfrey
Ho's cut-and-paste jobs called DIAMOND
NINJA FORCE [1986] and to the best of my knowledge was never
called the former title. The second film is PRIMITIVES
[1978], an Indonesian film directed by Sisworo Gautama originally
titled PRIMITIF and
also known as SAVAGE TERROR.
The print on the DVD was culled from a Greek VHS and contains Greek
subtitles! Volume 4 has a
film on it called TEMPLE OF HELL. It is actually Antonio
Margheriti's ARK OF THE SUN GOD
- 1983). Don't be fooled by the garish comic book covers either. They
are merely reproductions (probably illegal) of early 70's comics
covers from Eerie Publishing (I smell litigation!). There's also 4
volumes of DVDs released by the same company under the title TERROR
TALES. Same old story: Renamed Hong Kong films and Volume 4
(under the name TERROR
TALES FROM THE HOOD!) contains extremely-bad transfers of VOODOO
BLACK EXORCIST and Jess Franco's THE
MAN HUNTER (1980 - using the name THE
DEVIL HUNTER). Also, check out the coupon
on the back of the DVDs for the Monster Fan Club. I wonder how many
were duped into sending this out!
Before Robert Blake became Court TV fodder, he did have a film career. One of those films was called RIPPED OFF (1972). In it he plays a boxer framed for murder and must try and prove that he did not do it. Being an obscure film, I picked it up on eBay for a measly two bucks. The only problem was that this must have been a TV print as all the violence and language was cut out of the film. It clocked in at a slight 72 minutes (probably to fit into a 90 minute slot). The Video Treasures box says that it is rated R but don't you believe it. It would get no more than a TV-PG rating if shown in this form. According to various sources, at least ten minutes were cut from this version and the edits are very obvious. Whenever someone is shot, you hear the gunshot and then a poorly-edited cut to the next scene. Robert Blake sounds like a choirboy because whenever he swears the sound goes blank. It also stars Ernie Borgnine as a cop and Tomas Milian as a mysterious stranger who meets a bloody end in the finale (at least I think he does since most of his death is edited out). Directed by Franco Prosperi (WILD BEASTS - 1984). I'm sure it's much better in it's unedited form.
It
seems that Joe Dante has been getting a lot of flak for his episode "Homecoming"
in Showtime's series MASTERS
OF HORROR (actually commissioned by Anchor
Bay for release on DVD). In it, the dead soldiers from the war
in Iraq and Afghanistan come back to life with only one purpose: To
vote against anyone for the war and then simply drop dead (again)
after casting their vote. When our Republican friends see how this
will affect our national policy (and produce a new non-war mongering
President), they play loose with our voting system and turn things
around in their favor. When the same old President wins again, all
the dead soldiers from all the
wars come back to life and take over Washington, D.C. While played
rather broadly (especially an over-the-top performance by Dante
regular Robert Picardo), people have been slamming this episode by
saying politics has no place in horror. Bullshit! The 50's were rife
with political allegories disguising themselves as horror films,
including INVASION OF THE
BODY SNATCHERS, THE
DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL and many others. Politics is
horror, people, and I think Joe Dante deserves a lot of credit for
being brave enough to tell it like it is. I write this on Sunday,
December 18, 2005 and just saw our President give a speech on Iraq
and the war on Terrorism. In his whole 17 minute speech he did not
once mention Osama Bin Laden (the source of the "War on
Terrorism"), the illegal wiretaps on American citizens or
politicallly-owned companies who profit from this mess, but did
mention his regrets for the families who lost loved ones in this
senseless (my word, not his) war and his favorite person: God. Small
words from a man whose only agenda is to finish his Father's work in
the Middle East. Does anyone really think that Iraq can be a
Democratic society when they are surrounded by countries that are the
complete opposite? Has anyone even ever asked this question before?
On the whole, so far, the MASTERS OF HORROR series has been a
mixed affair. I really liked John Carpenter's "Cigarette
Burns", liked Dario Argento's "Jenifer"
(I remember the same story in the EERIE comic book in the 70's) and
Stuart Gordon's "Dreams In
The Witch-House" and loathed Mick Garris' "Chocolate",
John Landis' "Deer Woman"
(although the off-the-cuff comment about werewolf attacks in 1981
London was funny) and Tobe Hooper's "Dance
Of The Dead". The best episode so far was the opener: Don
Coscarelli's "Incident On
And Off A Mountain Road". When it came to pure scares, the
director of PHANTASM
really delivered. Time will tell if the other as-yet unaired episodes
will contain this quality. UPDATE: Just saw William Malone's (CREATURE
- 1985) episode entitled "The
Fair-Haired Child" and am glad to report, after a slow
beginning, that this episode delivered on the chills and surprises
that a horror anthology series should offer. The monster was scary,
the photography appropriately moody and it had a nice twist ending.
Lucky McKee's (MAY - 2002) "Sick
Girl" was a great black comedy with a standout performance
by Angela Bettis playing a lesbian with a thing for bugs. There's
some great dialogue in this episode, especially by her male job
partner: "Make sure you call me by 6:30 AM with all the details,
because that's when I take my shower." is what he says when he
finds out that she has picked up a strange pretty girl who likes to
draw pixies. My new favorite episode is Larry Cohen's "Pick
Me Up", a very black comedy about two competing serial
killers after the same girl (Fairuza Balk). It contains a standout
quirky performance by Michael Moriarty (as only he can do it) as one
of the serial killers. As most of Cohen's films go, this one also
contains some priceless dialogue (and a tongue-in-cheek comment about
killer babies, a sly reference to Cohen's IT'S
ALIVE - 1973 and his two sequels) and a truly twisted
ending. John McNaughton's (HENRY)
"Haeckel's Tale",
based on a short story by Clive Barker, was rather routine (although
atmospheric), but was at least perverse in the last 15 minutes. Since
Showtime will not be showing the final episode, director Takashi
Miike's (ICHI THE KILLER
- 2001) "Imprint",
due to it's rather "strong subject matter, even for a pay cable
network" (their wimpy words, not mine), we will have to wait for
the DVD release to see it. I also have word that Anchor
Bay will be releasing these episodes separately rather than in a
box set starting in March of 2006 (starting with Carpenter and
Gordon's episodes). The episodes offer some extras, like behind the
scenes docs, director profiles and deleted scenes (Especially the
scene deleted by Showtime for Argento's episode, where Jenifer chows
down on the store owner's son's penis. Even Showtime thought that
scene was not suitable for their standards!), but it still raises the
question: "Why should we have to purchase all the episodes
separately?" Greed, my boy. Greed. Season
2 starts on Showtime in October 2006.
I've been spending a lot of time on the DVD Maniacs Forum (now the AVManiacs Forum) and a good question has come up: Should I put out an Ad Mat Magazine that consists of nothing but newspaper ad mats from 1970 till the present? The response on the forum has been positive and I have literally thousands of them to share with everyone. Someone on the forum has offered me his services in printing the zine. I would like to know your opinion. Email me and give your opinion. Believe me, it counts. Check the forum for a lot of ad mats that I have posted. There's also a lot of other information to be found on this forum. I recommend that you join. UPDATE: I decided to put all my ad mats and other genre-related scans on DVD-R and offer them for sale. You can find links for them Here and Here. As for the DVDManiacs Forum? Well, they changed their name to The AVManiacs Forum and have slowly gone downhill with bad moderating and very little to offer film fans, except if you want to know release schedules of Shout! Factory, Code Red, Scorpion and Arrow DVD releases. I've been banned twice from the forum and wear that fact as a badge of honor.
June 15, 2006: This just in from IMDB: "Although CBS claimed in an FCC filing this week that complaints about an episode of Without a Trace were invalid because they all came via websites operated by the Parents Television Council and the American Family Association from people who had never seen the show, the scene in question had in fact been posted on the PTC website. In its filing, CBS asked the FCC to rescind its record indecency fine of $3.3 million, maintaining that "there were no true complainants from actual viewers." Viewed on the PTC website, the clip, which lasts about a minute, would seem to bolster the network's case that, contrary to claims that it depicts a teenage orgy, it shows no nudity, simulated sex, or offensive language. Moreover, it aired after 10:00 p.m. In its filing on Monday, CBS further observed that according to FCC rules, complaints must come from someone actually watching an offending show in the broadcast area of the station at issue. In a statement on Tuesday, L. Brent Bozell, who heads the PTC and the AFA, charged that CBS was engaging in "stupid legal maneuvers" and remarked, "Every complaint filed comes from a United States citizen who, last I heard, had the constitutional privilege to petition his government."" I wouldn't call this stupid legal maneuvers. The complaint has to come from a viewer, not a representative of the oppressive PTC, AFA and their ilk. This is entrapment, plain and simple. Anyone who saw the episode knows that the PTC took the whole scene out of context, just by showing the one minute scene and not the entire episode on their website. It's like showing a bad guy getting shot without first showing all the bad things he did before the shooting. The last remark in the statement is total bullshit as the complainer was not acting as an American citizen, but as a member of the PTC and AFA. Since Congress and the Senate have given the FCC the right to increase indecency fines tenfold, we, the viewers, are all the losers. What ever happened to parental responsibility, the V-Chip and the good old TV ratings system? I guess it's not good enough for those groups who want to impose their "values" on everyone else. My father once said to me: "If you don't like what you see change the channel." I guess we don't have that right anymore.
August 26, 2006: TV is getting extremely scary. Today I was watching the Sci-Fi Network's movie DRAGON SWORD and a promo spot came on saying if you wanted to see the end credits to this film, you would have to go to Sci-Fi's web site to view them. Is TV getting so commercial happy that they no longer have room to show end credits? Scary indeed.
Speaking of Sci-Fi (excuse me, SyFy): The network must have bought out The Asylum's entire catalogue of horror and sci-fi titles. They run the gamut from awful to pretty good. The awful ones include EVIL EYES (2004), KING OF THE LOST WORLD (2005), INTERMEDIO (2005), LEGION OF THE DEAD (2005) and DEAD MEN WALKING (2005). The good ones include THE BEAST OF BRAY ROAD (2005), ALIEN ABDUCTION (2005), JOLLY ROGER: MASSACRE AT CUTTER'S COVE (2005) and FRANKENSTEIN REBORN (2005). If you look at them for what they are (usually rip-offs of higher-budget theatrical releases), you may have a good time with them, even if it is for all the wrong reasons. They usually star some washed-up B actor (Bruce Boxleitner, Steve Railsback, C. Thomas Howell) along with a cast of semi-pro regulars. They don't even cut out the nudity. They just fog the offending parts. At least these films are better than the "Sci-Fi Originals" that clog their schedules. You know the ones I'm talking about: Usually giant bugs, aliens, androids or animals run amok. Their original film, titled SAVAGE PLANET (2006), about a giant bear (!) on the loose on a terraformed planet, contained some of the worst CGI that my eyes have ever seen. You know what I'm talking about if you have seen it. The films are using CGI to show blood and other carnage to a frightening degree and I mean frightening as a bad term. All you have to do is take a look at director Mark L. Lester's PTERODACTYL (2005) or BASILISK: THE SERPENT KING (2006) to see this CGI carnage in action. It's so obvious and fake-looking that it is laughable. Please stop this trend and go back to to doing them physically rather than optically. I know it's cheaper to do them with CGI, but for God's sake, can't you see how bad it looks?
Don't
try to bullshit a bullshitter. BAD NEWS DEPT.: When you tell me
that a film I'm about to see on TV is uncut and unedited and then you
speed-up the final credits so fast that you would have to be Superman
to read them, I
call bullshit. When the Independent Film Channel went
advertiser-related (How in the fuck can they still call themselves
"Independent"?), they promised that their films would still
be uncut, even with commercials. Now they put the final credits in a
box so small, you need a microscope to read them, while they show
promos for upcoming shows (And since when in the hell has MALCOLM
IN THE MIDDLE been considered "Independent"?). The
Starz/Encore channels do the same thing, which is a damn shame, since
we pay good money for the privilege to watch their movies and TV
Series. It's bad enough we have to see those watermarked bugs on
every movie we watch (and sometimes they juice-up the bug with crap
that fills-up the lower-third of the screen with their most popular
shows, sometimes lasting 30 seconds or more), but to deny the people
who worked on a film to get their due in the final credits is
unforgivable. There's even talk of putting advertiser-related product
images next to the channel ID bug because people fast forward through
the commercials with their DVRs. I watched an episode of the new HAWAII
FIVE-0 this season and one segment of the episode was
clearly an advertisement for Subway sandwiches! GOOD NEWS DEPT.: The
HBO channels do none of this shit, not even any watermarked bugs
during the showing of a film or TV Series and they always let the
final credits roll uninterrupted. And now they show most of their
films in widescreen! Not just their HD channels, but also their
non-HD channels. You want to increase your customer base? Follow
HBO's model. Rant over.
Blu-Ray
Snobs and Hipster Dept: Nothing upsets me more than hipsters who jump
on a bandwagon and increase the price of a product, then leave and
move on to the next "latest thing". Point in question: VHS
Auctions. When someone shells out more than $750 for a copy of
director Donald Farmer's excreable DEMON
QUEEN (1986) on the Mogul Video label and over $660 for a
copy of director Wally Koz's 555
(1988), it artificially inflates the price of every VHS tape
on the auction market. The hipsters then leave the scene, leaving VHS
sellers still asking for outrageous prices that were 90% lower in
price a few months ago. Who does this help? No one, that's who. And
then there are these Blu-Ray snobs who refuse to buy a DVD because it
doesn't have the "look of a film". Jesus Christ, get a
fucking life. I've actually read that some people refuse to buy DVDs
because they would rather wait for the Blu-Ray to come out, which in
98% of the cases, it never will. They would rather not watch the film
at all until their demands are met (These are the same jerk-offs who
threw away their VCRs when they bought their first DVD player.). It
is not just idiotic and stupid, it hurts the boutique DVD labels who
put out these films. Instead of blaming torrents for the decline of
physical product, maybe these people should look in the mirror at the
real culprit. And it doesn't end there. When they do get their
Blu-Rays, they usually complain about too much "DNR" being
used or the disc has a one-second glitch or missing piece of dialogue
that destroys their whole enjoyment of the film. I have no problem
with real complaints with Blu-Ray discs being discussed with major
defects, but what ever happened to just sitting down and enjoying a
film? These people are way too young to remember how we had to watch
some films on a snow-filled tube TV screen with an antennae on the
roof of our houses. Quit sucking on your momma's titties and man-up!
Just because the technology is superior, doesn't equate that it is
better for everyone. As a matter of fact, as of the middle of 2012,
less than 30% of people with TVs capable of High Definition have a
Blu-Ray player (compared to 95% who own a DVD player). Not everyone
needs or wants to see the pock marks on Jack Nicholson's face. As the
technology gets better, our choices in titles becomes more miniscule.
And don't get me started with people who watch movies and TV shows on
their phones and tablets. Call me old-fashioned, but that stuff
belongs on a TV, not on a device that can fit in the palm of your
hand (I purposely left out laptops and computers because some of
their screens are huge and the picture quality is fantastic).
Opthalmologists, opticians and optometrists must be wringing their
hands in anticipation!
Am
I the only one who believes that Ted Danson has breathed new life
into the 12 year-old TV Series CSI:?
His role as ex-hippie-turned CSI boss D.B. Russell has injected some
much-needed adrenaline into the old
series and all the regular actors on the show seem to have upped
their acting to try and match an old pro. Danson even managed to make
the departure of original series regular Marg Helgenberger a little
easier to take. The introduction of Elisabeth Shue as CSI June Finlay
(who has some bad past with D.B. Russell, which I'm sure will be
addressed in future episodes) to replace Marg Helgenberger was also a
good choice. I was beginning to lose interest when William Peterson
left the series and was replaced by Laurence Fishburne (who
underplayed his role as CSI Dr. Raymond Langston to the point it
looked like he was sleepwalking through his role), but Ted Danson has
brought the series back to its former glory. I also like how they
have given Wallace Langham a bigger role in the show (he and the rest
of the lesser-known CSI lab technicians were usually given one
episode a year to shine) and I hope that he and the other non-opening
credit CSI lab tech actors get more to do in the years to come (it's
nice to see that Jon Wellner [who plays CSI techie Henry Andrews] get
his name in the opening credits starting at Season 13). I'm a little
upset that CBS has canceled CSI: MIAMI
in 2012 (it surprises me how many people thought David Caruso wasn't
acting at all and was actually like his character Horatio Caine in
real life, something which couldn't be farther from the truth) and
kept the vastly inferior CSI:NY on
their schedule (nothing against great actor Gary Sinise, but the
Miami version had the most colorful photography and strangest camera
angles of any series on TV. NOTE: It, too, has been canceled
[in 2013], even though it was still pulling in decent ratings,
especially for a Friday night.), but the inclusion of Ted Danson on
the original show takes the sting out of it a little bit. I am
officially a CSI: junkie again. The opening episode of Season
13 was a tour-de-force for Ted Danson and was a crackling good hour
of television by everyone involved in the show. Thanks, Ted! So far,
the show has been getting great ratings and has been renewed for a
15th Season in 2014. Did anyone actually think that this gory crime
procedural would outlast its spinoffs and enter a 15th Season? NOTE
#2: Detective Brass (Paul Guilfoyle) is leaving as a show
regular at the end of Season 14 on May 7, 2014. He was one of the
series regulars from the first episode, but the storyline between
himself and his troubled daughter will be resolved before he leaves.
He may show up in future episodes in guest appearances, but he is
leaving the show as a regular. Goodbye Detective Brass. It was nice
having you around. Word has it that actor Treat Williams will join
the cast as a recurring character, an ex-cop who strikes up a
friendship with Danson's character in Season 15. NOTE #3: In
what has to be some kind of new category, the makers of CSI:
will create a new series called CSI: CYBER starring Patricia
Arquette for the 2014 - 2015 television season (she appeared in
character in one of CSI's late episodes in Season 14). This is
after both CSI: MIAMI and CSI: NY were canceled a few
years ago. I have never heard of something like this happening before
in the history of television. NOTE #4: It looks like Season 15 could
be CSI:'s last, because CBS moved it to Sundays at 10:00pm and
its aiting has been suspended at least two weeks in a row because of
football overruns. It also costs CBS about $5 million per episode,
which happens to all well-established shows because of longetivity
and the salaries paid to some of the original actors that have been
with the show from the beginning (not to mention Ted Danson's
salary), not to mention they knocked-down the orders of episodes this
year to 18 from the usual 22. It doesn't look good for a Season 16.
The 2014 - 2015 TV Season is also the last for THE
MENTALIST, which also suffered the same fate as CSI:
when it was moved to Sunday at 10:00pm. It will now debut November
30, 2014 and end sometime in early 2015 with a truncated 13-episode
Seventh, and final, Season. It will first replace THE
GOOD WIFE (which is going on Winter hiatus) for five weeks
on Sundays at 9:00pm and will then move to Wednesdays where the final
eight episodes will air.
For those on the internet calling me all kinds of bad and hurtful names (you know who you are), accusing me of faking my own death on FaceBook, let me point you to an article in The New York Daily News dated August 3, 2012. It seems that the Major League Baseball FaceBook pages were hacked and ridiculous and inflammatory messages were left on the N.Y. Yankees, San Diego Padres, Chicago Cubs and other Major League team pages. Of course, since these are Major League sites (not to mention major advertisers on the site), the inflammatory messages were removed immediately by FaceBook techs. I only wish FaceBook would do the same thing for no-name individuals like myself, which took nearly three weeks to fix (I immediately resigned from the site once my Wall was fixed). Instead, I have people like William Wilson (a person who I use to call my friend) questioning whether my FaceBook Wall was hacked and his accusatory tone about my whole life left me speechless, not to mention letting all the trolls (about 50% of AVManiacs forum members, not to mention defamatory shit from other forums) out there make stupid assumptions about my life. If William Wilson was any type of man (Which I highly doubt any more, since he called me a liar in one of his film reviews! How professional.), he would have contacted me personally instead of posting that ridiculous rant on the AVManiacs forum. I can't tell you how many emails I received from people who also have had their FaceBook sites hacked and they all think William Wilson is a piece of excrement. I think he's just a piece of dog shit. I still like his blog (which I won't point to in a link because he doesn't deserve my time), but that doesn't mean that I have to like the person. People who have dealt with me in a business sense (like auctions), know I always put a personal touch in every package I send. I don't farm out my duties (Even when I was very sick, the only thing I couldn't do was mail the packages, so I had friends do it instead.) and make sure that I personally write out their address and make sure that the package arrives as soon as possible. If that's a sin, then I'm guilty as hell. Otherwise, William Wilson can take a long walk off a short pier. UPDATE: Facebook said on Friday (February 15, 2013) that it was the subject of a "sophisticated attack" from hackers last month, but no user data was compromised. Employees at the social network visited an infected site and its servers downloaded malicious software, or malware, from the mobile developer site. "As soon as we discovered the presence of the malware, we remediated all infected machines, informed law enforcement, and began a significant investigation that continues to this day," the company said in a blog post Friday. "Facebook was not alone in this attack. It is clear that others were attacked and infiltrated recently as well." Well, imagine that! UPDATE #2: On November 5, 2014, CBS News at 11:00pm in New York will run a story about people who have had their lives destroyed by having their Facebook accounts hacked. I was interviewed for the piece, but have yet to know whether I made the final cut. Even if I didn't, William Wilson can take this story and shove it up his unprofessional ass.
Hey,
I may not agree with the politics and religious beliefs of Chuck
Norris, but that doesn't mean that I'm not a fan. I still
think INVASION U.S.A.
(1985) is one of the best violent action films of the 80's (clearly,
90% of the films he has done were rated R). His WALKER,
TEXAS RANGER (1993 - 2001) was one of the most violent
series on TV (even if his politics and, especially, religion, creeped
into the last few seasons), so when I heard the Internet was abuzz
about Norris joining THE
EXPENDABLES 2 (2012) only if it would be rated PG-13, my
bullshit meter immediately went off. First off, no one dictates to
Sylvester Stallone what he does, as the ultra-violent RAMBO
(2008) will bear me out. Secondly, the first THE
EXPENDABLES (2010) was rated R, so why wouldn't the second
one be? Lastly, Chuck Norris is out to entertain people on cinema
screens, not force-feed his political or religious beliefs on anyone.
That's just career suicide. So when I saw commercials on TV touting
the sequel as being rated R, all I could think is how these Internet
trolls should all be given a good spanking for making shit up and
passing it off as truth. Yeah, I know it's just a pipe dream, but
imagine if everything you read on the Internet was true? Wouldn't
that be great? Unfortunately, there are people out there whose only
job seems to be passing off lies as truth. And that is the reason I
never believe anything I read on the Internet. Still, welcome back to
the big screen Chuck Norris! Please don't make this your last
theatrical film. We all miss you. NEWS FLASH: All Internet trolls are
invited to be cast in the third part of Peter Jackson's THE
HOBBIT. Please travel to New Zealand and contact his agent,
I.M. Anidiot. (In related news, a judge has blocked the release of The
Asylum's mockumentary AGE
OF THE HOBBITS, which was to be released on DVD a couple of
days before Peter Jackson's film. This is not the first time The
Asylum had a film blocked, but this time the judge has set a January
28, 2013 hearing to determine whether the temporary hold on the
films release will become permanent.). NOTE: The August
2014 release of THE EXPENDABLES 3
flopped badly in theaters because the studio blamed that someone
leaked the finished film to torrent sites three weeks before its
official release. I think they are wrong. The reason why it flopped
was because it was Rated PG-13. On an even more stupid note: The DVD
release of Part 3 will be the PG-13 Version, while the Blu-Ray will
be the Unrated Version. Talk about trying to get people to switch
over from DVD to Blu-Ray. It doesn't make any difference that some
people can't afford to upgrade or just don't want to. It's all about
Sony making more money on a format where they get a fee for every
Blu-Ray manufactured. The truth is DVD still outsells Blu-Ray (even
though Blus have dropped drastically in price) and companies are
trying every trick in the book to get people to upgrade, like
offering Blu-only extra features and the above-mentioned practice of
offering the unedited version on Blu only. NOTE #2: From Variety.com:
Is piracy to blame for THE
EXPENDABLES 3's
puny box office debut this weekend (August 15 - 17, 2014) or were
viewers ready to euthanize the films aging action heroes?
Thats the question Hollywoods asking after the thriller
fell short of initial projections by roughly $10 million, debuting to
a paltry $16.2 million. As the dwindling numbers trickled in over the
weekend, studio executives privately pointed the finger at a leaked
copy of the film that hit the internet three weeks before its debut
and was seen by 2.2 million people. This is really a clear
situation where this had an impact, said Phil Contrino, vice
president and chief analyst of BoxOffice.com. Its hard to
measure, but the
ripple
effect, not only of the downloads, but of the word-of-mouth that
spread as a result, can be seen in the soft opening. The
films initial numbers are the worst in series history. The
original EXPENDABLES
launched to $34.8 million in 2010 while the second
installment
debuted to $28.6 in 2012. Still, some box office observers are
hesitant to ascribe blame wholly to the illegal downloads, citing
franchise-fatigue after three films in relatively short order.
It got hurt, said on rival distribution executive.
Youd have to say there was an impact there. But as low as
the numbers are, there was a whole lot more going on. There was some
audience rejection. When you go to the well too many times,
youre going to run out of gas. Its also not clear
that the majority of people who downloaded the movie illegally would
have paid to see it in theaters even if it wasnt available
online, argues Rentrak media analyst Paul Dergarabedian. Then
theres the continued strength of GUARDIANS
OF THE GALAXY
and TEENAGE
MUTANT NINJA TURTLES,
which still managed to do more than $20 million of business in their
third and second weeks in theaters. Its such a crowded
marketplace, said Dergarabedian. Even taking piracy out
of the equation, its so much competitive than we thought it
would be. THE
EXPENDABLES 3
was widely seen as a litmus test for the impact that piracy can have
on a films prospects. Hollywood has tried to hit back against
illegal downloading in the past, backing controversial legislation
such as The Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and The Protect IP Act
(PIPA). When those bills collapsed in 2012, undone by a grassroots
backlash and concerns about their impact on First Amendment rights,
studios choose to speak more softly. For the most part, their efforts
have been limited to outreach to Silicon Valley companies. Given THE
EXPENDABLES 3s
poor results, those overtures may grow more intense. Measuring the
impact of piracy on box office is difficult and the data can be
contradictory. For instance, an unfinished copy of X-MEN
ORIGINS: WOLVERINE
was widely distributed online a month before the film opened in 2009,
but the picture still managed to rack up $373 million globally.
Thats a big number and one that suggests a lot of people were
still willing to shell out for the finished product. However, some
research suggests that piracy can take a big chunk out of ticket
sales. A 2011 study by Carnegie Mellon University researchers found
that when a film is pirated prior to release, it loses nearly 20
percent of its potential revenue. Lionsgate, which distributed THE
EXPENDABLES 3 and producer Avi Lerner declined to comment, citing
an ongoing lawsuit against 10 anonymous individuals they allege
shared a digital copy of the sequel with piracy sites.They may be
quiet now, but dont expect the studios to remain mum for long.
Fresh shots were just fired in the piracy war. (While
I am sure piracy of the film took a lot of money away from the
boxoffice take, the fact that the last two chapters in this series
were Rated R and this one was Rated PG-13 and had an advertising
campaign of everyone smiling turned a lot of people off, too. This
could certainly spell the death knell for the series, unless the home
video versions sells millions of discs. Don't be surprised if the
next film goes DTV. - Editor)
Who decides to change the name of channels? First, The Sci-Fi Network became "SyFy" and then the Sleuth Channel became "Cloo". Not only do these channels give good spellers a bad name (What do they do, have network executives ask first graders what they would like their network to be called?), they make people wonder if it is worth their time watching stations that clearly don't know what the public wants. I gave up on SyFy a long time ago (Too many Asylum Films and CGI-ridden "SyFy Original" films, especially about natural disasters that will never happen and creatures, like MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS - 2009, that could never exist), but I like Cloo because they sometimes have marathons of old TV shows like T.J. HOOKER (1982 - 1986), MANNIX (1967 - 1975) and other oldies but goodies. Another thing that bothers me are channels that substitute the letter "S" for the letter "Z", like Reelz, or The National Geographic Channel shortening their name to "NatGeo". Have we become a nation of bad spellers and short attention span spazzes? Maybe I'm just getting too old to put up with juvenile shit like this anymore. What's next, The Chiller Channel being called "Scaryz"? I better stop now before I give network executive suits ideas.
Everyone,
including myself, is devastated by the shooting deaths in a movie
theater in Aurora, Colorado that killed 12 people and injured 58
more, but when the city of Aurora holds a public survey to determine
what to do with the Century 16 multiplex theater (including tearing
it down), I just sit here and think to myself, "Jesus Christ,
it's not the building's fault all these people were killed or
injured. It's the fault of a crazy psychopath and lax gun laws who
are really at fault." So what are we going to do in the future:
Tear down buildings, including schools and military installations,
because some asshole with an automtic weapon decides that he's going
to take as many lives as he can? This politically correct bullshit
has to stop and we have to begin blaming society rather than
inanimate structures and facilities. Until we put gun legislation in
its proper place (And I'm tired of hearing "Guns don't kill
people. People kill people." That psychopath wouldn't have been
able to kill and maim all those people in a theater with a knife or a
crossbow before audience members took him down.) and get politicians
off the NRA payroll, shit like this is always going to happen. There
is no valid reason a regular citizen needs a semi-automatic weapon
that can easily be converted to fully automatic and we need a better
way to screen people who buy guns. When a regular citizen can buy
over 2,000 rounds of ammunition on the internet and no red flags are
raised, there is definitely something wrong with the system. Let's
quit passing blame on movie theaters and violence in films and video
games and put the blame squarely where it belongs: On the shoulders
of the NRA and its lobbyists. Do you ever wonder why there are so
many gun deaths in the United States? Well, I do. And I'm angry that
politicians refuse to cross party lines to find a solution. Yes, we
can stop people from buying box cutters and knives with blades that
are considered too long and making bombs, but we cannot stop Joe Blow
(who has an undiagnosed mental problem) from walking into a gun store
and purchasing a semi-automatic weapon after a background check
(which is nothing but a joke) or walking out of the store with a
fully loaded shotgun or hunting rifle. Why is that? Gun rights
activists are quick to point out that the Second Amendment to the
U.S. Bill Of Rights gives them the the right to "keep and bear
arms." I certainly doubt that our forefathers and a 221 year-old
document meant that they could buy and keep semi-automatic weapons in
their homes. Hell, back in 1791, when the U.S. Bill Of Rights was
adopted, there wasn't even such things as bullets. People carried
muskets, which shot lead balls and took over a minute to load. Now we
have automatic rifles and guns that can shoot over 100 rounds a
minute. Our forefathers also wrote "We The People...", not
"We The Individual", so let's start using our collective
brains instead of our guns and start getting these no-good
politicians out of office and replace them with people who actually
care about people more than money and lobbyists (I would love
lobbying Washington D.C. and politicians to be against the law.). I
always get sick to my stomach when I read and see things like what
happened in Aurora, Colorado, Columbine High School in Colorado,
Congresswoman Giffords' shooting in Arizona, the Sikh Temple in
Wisconsin, Fort Hood In Texas and The Virginia Tech massacre. We act
all high and mighty when these assaults against human life happen,
but both the TV News and newspapers move on to the next latest thing
and forget they ever happened, leaving these towns and its people to
deal with the psychological scars by themselves. How many more of
these atrocities must happen before we say enough is enough? Maybe if
we lost the Revolutionary War, we would have a death rate as low as
England, where it is against the law for citizens to own a firearm.
Tearing down buildings because it is too painful to look at is like
putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. It's utterly ridiculous. UPDATE:
My friend Michael Prymula informs me that the Century 16 theater
will NOT be torn down. It's currently undergoing renovation, and the
theater where the massacre took place is being converted into one of
those giant "extreme" digital screens. I'm glad level heads
prevailed. UPDATE #2: Just when you think that there are
leaders with level heads, a shooting massacre committed by another
mentally defective young adult at a Newtown, Connecticut grade school
happens on Friday, December 14, 2012, leaving 27 people dead,
including twenty children as young as six years-old. The President
comes on TV and wishes the families of the dead and wounded his best
while wiping his (crocodile?) tear-stained eyes, but how much do you
want to bet that nothing concerning gun laws change? The news outlets
will cover the tragedy for about two weeks, squeezing every ounce of
emotional juice out of the story, but the NRA will still stick with
the same old story: "Guns don't kill people. People kill
people." and nearly every politician will be too scared to say
anything negative about gun laws on TV. I'm not the biggest fan of
Michael Bloomberg, the Mayor Of New York City (who is turning
the entire city into a nanny state with his ban on sodas and sugary
drinks bigger than 16 oz., smoking bans everywhere, controlling your
salt intake and other basic human rights that no politician should
have a right to touch, especially since none of them are against the
law), but at least he publicly and constantly speaks out against our
lax gun laws. We need more politicians like him with guts to speak
the truth about guns (I actually heard a Senator from New York say
today [Saturday, December 15, 2012] that all the politicians,
both Democrat and Republican, will talk about changing our gun laws,
but he thinks it will all be just talk and nothing will change!). And
the truth is that nobody outside the police force and military should
be able to own one, not even hunters (You want to give deer and other
animals the chance they deserve? Use a bow and arrow!). And even
then, they should all be given mandatory psychological exams every
year. Have you ever heard of anyone killing 27 people with a knife or
a bow? People would be pouncing on the nutjob, hopefully killing him
in the process, just so the news outlets have nothing to report (if
you want to call it that; it's more like playing on the viewer's
sympathy) besides a crazy man was killed by good samaritans when he
tried to kill people with a knife or a bow. He may kill one or two,
but there's no way he would be able to kill 27 people. On a more
upsetting note, theaters in Pittsburgh (where the film was shot) are
cancelling the preview of the new PG-13 rated Tom Cruise movie JACK
REACHER (2012) over the weekend out of "honor and
respect" for the parents of the murdered children (The film
opens wide on December 21, 2012). The SyFy Channel pulled an episode
of their TV series HAVEN
(2010 - Present) because it contained a scene of a school shooting.
FOX has also replaced new Christmas episodes of FAMILY
GUY (1999 - Present), where Peter tells his own version of
the nativity scene and Stewie is seen holding a futuristic ray gun
and AMERICAN DAD
(2005 - Present), where Stan mentions that some children are
"naughty" and hunted by a demon (!), on Sunday, December
16, 2012. No decisions have been made when the episodes will be
shown (Turns out they will be shown the following week!). Here we go
again, associating gun violence in films, TV shows and video games
with gun violence in real life. More stupid political correctness for
the masses to chew on. I hope they choke on it. Remember after the
devestation of 9/11, radio stations weren't allowed to play certain
songs and all TV shows and movies shown on TV had to remove scenes of
the World Trade Center because it would cause people too much
"emotional pain"? Same thing here. Ever since 9/11, we have
been losing much of our freedoms all in the name of
"security" (Patriot Act anyone?). Keep the people scared
and they will give up almost anything, including all their privacy. I
didn't fall for it then and I'm not going to fall for it now. Just
because some mental idiot with a gun kills a bunch of people doesn't
mean I should give up my rights to privacy (I especially dislike all
those "If you see something, say something" TV commercials.
What happens when a young woman accidentally forgets her purse on the
subway or some guy forgets his briefcase? Will they be waterboarded
or interviewed and inconvenienced for hours at a police station for
just being human?), yet you can't walk outside without some camera
being pointed in your direction with facial recognition software
running in the background or your email being scanned for certain key
words associated with terrorism. It may sound paranoid, but it is
true. The Government just doesn't want you to know it, because if you
do and wake up to the hypocrisy of it all, they lose all power. So
what I am saying is this: Quit being scared and live your life the
way you want. Don't let anyone control you. UPDATE #3: I just
watched President Obama's moving eulogy (Sunday, December 16, 2012
at 8:38 PM) in Newtown, Connecticut in front of the grieving
parents and family who lost loved ones and he promised to do
everything in his power to stop such tragedies again. The thing that
troubled me, though, is not once did he mention the word
"gun" or "automatic weapons" and say he would
push for stricter laws against them. Is it possible that even he
knows that he is powerless against the NRA or was he trying to be
considerate of the tragic families' feelings? I know if it was my
child that was killed, I would want to hear directly from the
President's mouth that he was going to change our gun laws so people
can't just purchase a weapon and hundreds of rounds of ammunition and
go on a killing spree. He said this was the fourth such common
incident he has endured since he was President, but nothing has
changed regarding gun laws. That doesn't say much about his
effectiveness towards getting guns out of hands of psychos, does it?
He is the President after all. As far as I know, the job is not just
a figurehead position and he does wield power (including veto power)
to change many things. It's time he and Congress and the House of
Representatives put their differences aside and do something
meaningful for a change, instead of making up such terms as
"fiscal cliff" and such to keep us in a frightened state.
The newspapers and TV News on Monday, December 17, 2012 tout
that during the President's eulogy in Newtown, he promised to change
gun laws. The fact is, he never said that. He didn't mention guns
once, so how could he promise to change gun laws? This is just
another example of the news outlets not reporting the facts
correctly. All I want are the facts, not conjecture that we know will
not change as long as there is an NRA (Whose Facebook and Twitter
pages mysteriously disappeared the day of the shootings, probably
because they didn't want to read everyone's rage about the shootings
and their involvement in it.). Wednesday, December 19, 2012:
The NRA finally releases a statement regarding the shooting, saying
that it is "willing" to make some changes in support of
decreasing automatic weapons in civilian hands. I'll take a
wait-and-see attitude in regards to that statement (I'm willing to
bet the NRA does nothing, because what is a gun lobby without guns?),
but the object lesson should be this: Why do civilians have automatic
weapons in the first place? What do they need them for? Besides some
crazy doomsayers and survivalists in their compounds in the mountains
waiting for the apocalypse (who should be psychologically examined
and disarmed as soon as possible and not just of their automatic
weapons), there is no reason for any civilian to have them, or
extended clips that hold way too many bullets. If you are hunting
with an automatic weapon or waiting for the Mayan calendar to come
true (so you can finally try out your automatic weapons on human
beings), I think it is time to go to your computer and look for
psychiatrists in your area because you definitely need one.
Meanwhile, President Obama promises the ban on automatic weapon sales
will be reinstated by the time he gives the State of the Union
address in 2013 (with an addendum about gun shows, where it is too
easy to pick up any gun or weapon in less than five minutes). Another
wait-and-see moment, but how do we get them out of the hands of
people who own them now? Am I the only one who believes it is
possible? Make it against the law to own an automatic or
semi-automatic weapon or extended clips, with a mandatory five-year
jail sentence if one is found on your possession or in your home.
Give the civilians a year to turn them in on their own and then let
the law go into effect. No exceptions, like the "three
strikes" law. Of course there will be some hiccups, but the
benefits outweigh the shooting sprees. No parent should have to
experience seeing their six or seven year-old child in a coffin
because politicians with big pockets have no conscience. I'd rather
we build more jails than cemeteries. I really, really hope it is
different this time. Thursday, December 20, 2012: New York
Sen. Jay Rockefeller this week introduced a bill calling for an
examination of the effect of violent videogames. Recent court
decisions demonstrate that some people still do not get it,
Rockefeller said in a statement. They believe that violent
videogames are no more dangerous to young minds than classic
literature or Saturday morning cartoons. Parents, pediatricians and
psychologists know better. (As Bugs Bunny would say, "What
a maroon!"). Hollywood has responded to the second-deadliest
school shooting in U.S. history by postponing premieres, canceling
parties and not airing certain TV episodes that depict violence. It
has not delayed any movie openings, as happened after a July mass
shooting at a movie theater in Aurora, Colo. Hollywood knows
that there are people it will never convince, but it has to
positively influence the fence-sitters and make them think it can
reduce damage, Jonathan Bernstein, president of a crisis
management company, told TheWrap.
Its a communication battle for influence at a visceral
level. If Hollywood doesnt do something, it takes far more
damage. And so it begins all over again with idiotic
politicians (especially Senator John McCain) blaming the
entertainment media for all the real violence in the world. When are
they going to learn that without proper medical care and stricter gun
laws, disturbed people are always going to go on killing sprees?
Millions of people play CALL OF DUTY and they don't go out
killing people. But just because this fucked-up "autistic"
(seems to me to be the newest medical excuse for every bad thing a
young person does) young adult had DUTY on his game console at
home, it must be the cause of his violent outburst. Time to put away
the entertainment media excuse and focus on the real problems. Friday,
December 21, 2012: The NRA holds a press conference and here are
their bright ideas: Put an armed police officer in every school. Not
only is that a dim bulb solution (it hasn't worked in the past at
schools in NYC), but putting a police officer carrying a Glock or .38
Special pistol against a troubled person carrying automatic weapons
only puts the police officer's life at stake, even if he is wearing a
bulletproof vest. Most of these automatic weapon bullets are made to
go through kevlar (or their head). Leave it to the NRA to ask for
more guns rather than less. Kids who go to school to learn don't want
to see a gun, period, even if it is being holstered by a police
officer. The NRA is under the impression that if a mentally disturbed
person were to know there was an armed police officer at the school
he has targeted, he will back off. I highly doubt it. That is why
they are called "mentally disturbed". They don't think like
you and I do. The NRA also wants a national database of the mentally
ill, but what if the shooter never saw a psychiatrist? The NRA
automatically thinks "mentally ill" means "mass
murderer". How fucking stupid is that? There are plenty of
mentally ill people that lead full, productive lives and to put their
names in a national database will only harm them, not help them. New
York State is on the verge of passing a law that states no clip can
carry more than 7 bullets (the toughest such law in the nation),
which will make it harder for mass murderers to kill more than 7
people with a clip. But what if that person is carrying ten or more
clips? Nobody, including our own President seems to want to outright
ban the sale of semi or regular automatic weapons to regular
citizens, or make them turn the ones they already own into the
authorities and I can't understand why. There is no reason why anyone
besides the police and military should carry or need one. The NRA
also blamed films, the Media and violent video games for the
massacres. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Time to pry
that rifle from Charlton Heston's "cold dead hands" and put
the NRA out of business. These spineless NRA bastards blame everyone
but themselves. Saturday, December 22, 2012: Thousands of gun
rights supporters are petitioning the Obama administration to
consider deporting CNNs Piers Morgan, arguing the gun control
proponent is using his position as a TV news host to wage war on the
Second Amendment. British Citizen and CNN television host Piers
Morgan is engaged in a hostile attack against the U.S. Constitution
by targeting the Second Amendment, reads the petition. We
demand that Mr. Morgan be deported immediately for his effort to
undermine the Bill of Rights and for exploiting his position as a
national network television host to stage attacks against the rights
of American citizens. The petition has attracted more than
11,000 signatures since its creation Friday. It was posted on the
White Houses We the People website, which allows users to
create a petition which will receive a review by policy makers as
well as an official White House response should it gain 30,000
signatures within 30 days. Writing on Twitter Saturday, Morgan seemed
amused by the petition, and responded to a number of people asking
him (not so politely) to get out of America. (Well, there's 11,000
idiots that I will stay away from!. Seems to me that these gun rights
supporters forgot about America having Freedom of Speech. Doesn't
matter if they are British, Icelandic or Muslim, they can say what
they please. Besides, Piers Morgan's show is an interview show, not a
news show, so he can say anything he pleases without gun supporters
demanding he get kicked out of the country. Besides, Mr. Morgan
simply knows better what it means to live in a country that outlaws
guns to normal citizens. Even most British police officers don't
carry one.). Monday, December 24, 2012: The official tally for
the petition to get rid of Piers Morgan from the United States has
reached 31,000 signatures (which is way less than one quarter of one
percent of our population), most of them from Texas (Where the
petition began. Surprise, surprise.) and States in the Bible Belt.
Seems like these gun rights proponents forgot about our First
Amendment rights and only focus on their Second Amendment rights. Do
they actually think that our President will deport Morgan? I believe
they do, because they are nothing but a bunch of gun-loving idiots
who believe that banning semi and fully automatic weapons will mean
that the Government will go after their pistols, rifles and shotguns
next. Monday, December 24,
2012 (Christmas Eve): A 62 year-old psychopath in upstate New
York (who spent 17 years in jail for killing his grandmother with a
hammer in 1981) kills his 67 year-old sister, sets fire to their
house and nearby neighbor houses and then waited in ambush as the
first responders arrived. He then shot and killed two of them before
leaving the scene (a cop on the scene returned fire, chasing him off)
and taking his own life in his car with a Smith & Wesson
.38-caliber revolver. The weapon he used to kill those innocent
people? A Bushmaster .223 semi-automatic rifle, the same type of
weapon used by the asshole in the Newtown, Connecticut mass murder.
Need I say more? Saturday, December 28, 2012: The official
tally for the deportation of Piers Morgan has reached 91,000
signatures. Believe me, there are even more stupid people in
this country, so expect the total to rise and the President to ignore
them (and rightfully so). Monday, January 7, 2013: According
to the Hollywood Reporter:
"Piers Morgan interviewed -- or at least tried to -- the man
who created a petition to deport him on his CNN talk show Monday
night. Alex Jones appeared on Piers Morgan Tonight to talk about his
petition, titled 'Deport British Citizen Piers Morgan for Attacking
2nd Amendment,' which he posted on the White House's website. As of
Monday night, it has received more than 100,000 signatures.
(Petitions need only 25,000 signatures to generate a White House
response.) The petition was started in the wake of Morgan's criticism
of gun advocates in the wake of the Newtown, Conn., elementary school
shooting. 'British Citizen and CNN television host Piers Morgan is
engaged in a hostile attack against the U.S. Constitution by
targeting the Second Amendment,' the petition reads. 'We demand that
Mr. Morgan be deported immediately for his effort to undermine the
Bill of Rights and for exploiting his position as a national network
television host to stage attacks against the rights of American
citizens.' On Morgan's show, Jones came out with guns blazing -- so
to speak -- rattling off his arguments against Morgan, saying he
started the petition to bring attention to his belief that foreigners
living in the U.S. want to take away guns from Americans while the
government continues to beef up its weapons. '1776 will commence
again if you try to take our firearms!' he declared at one point,
saying that the second amendment isn't for 'duck hunting' but to
protect Americans from 'tyrannical government.' When the host tried
to ask a question, Jones continued to speak over or interrupt him. At
one point, he told Morgan, 'You're a hatchet man of the new world
order,' and even seemingly challenged him to a boxing match. After
several minutes, Morgan finally said: 'Let take a break. When we come
back, try and answer my questions.' Responded Jones: 'All you're
gonna do is sit there and play little factoid questions.' He
continued talking -- spouting off a crime statistic -- but was cut as
the show went to a commercial. After the break, Jones continued his
tirade and avoided answering Morgan's questions. (This is your Editor
speaking: They say everything is big in Texas. Everything, that is,
except Alex Jones' brain.). Wednesday, January 9, 2013: On the
eve of the entertainment industry's White House meeting to discuss
gun violence in films and video games, Motion Picture Association of
America president Chris Dodd told The Hollywood Reporter that his
industry will consider voluntary guidelines but will
"vehemently" oppose any government restrictions on content.
Dodd and other spokesmen from various sectors of the entertainment
industry will meet with Vice President Joe Biden, who has been
charged by President Barack Obama with recommending legislation to
curb gun violence, Thursday night and Friday. (Editor speaking again:
Here we go again, blaming movies and video games for real-life
violence. They do this because they are easy targets, but I'm glad
Chris Dodd is standing his ground, something you don't usually hear
me say about the MPAA. Seems to me the politicians should me more
worried about passing mental health legislation, since it is easy to
see that these mass murders were suffering from mental health issues.
In other words, anything can trigger violence in bat-shit crazy
people, but don't take it away from the millions who view movies and
video games as entertainment, not documentaries on "how to"
kill as many real people as possible.). Wednesday, January 9, 2013:
The White House may have just disappointed the nearly 110,000 people
who have signed a petition urging President Obama to deport CNNs
Piers Morgan. In a response released Wednesday titled "When
Discussing the Second Amendment, Keep the First in Mind Too,"
White House press secretary Jay Carney addressed the petition, which
charged Morgan with using his position as a cable news host to wage
war on the Second Amendment, and calling for his removal from the
country. President Obama believes that the Second Amendment
guarantees an individual right to bear arms, Carney wrote.
However, the Constitution not only guarantees an individual
right to bear arms, but also enshrines the freedom of speech and the
freedom of the press -- fundamental principles that are essential to
our democracy. Morgan has become an increasingly outspoken
proponent of gun control legislation in the wake of the school
shooting in Newtown, Conn. last month. He clashed with gun rights
advocates hours after the killings and continued to engage people in
debate on Twitter, as well as poke fun at supporters of the petition
to have him deported. Carney said Obama recognized Newtown
sparked an intense, and at times emotional, national
conversation about gun control, and posted a video the
president recorded to respond to the numerous White House petitions
on the subject. In the video, Obama said he supported the Second
Amendment, but added background checks should be conducted to keep
guns out of the hands of dangerous people. The Morgan
petition was posted on the White Houses We the People site Dec.
21 and quickly gained the required 25,000 signatures to receive an
official response. Petition organizer Alex Jones made a rambling
appearance on Piers Morgan Tonight on Monday, where he said his
petition was created to bring attention anti-gun foreigners living in
the U.S. who were trying to take away weapons even as the government
increases its own arsenal. 1776 will commence again if you try
to take our firearms!" Jones said during the interview. The next
day, Jones posted a YouTube video in which he said he feared for his
life because of his gun rights stances, and added he was worried the
New York Police Department or mafiosos hired by New York Mayor
Michael Bloomberg would kill him. (Editor speaking: Alex Jones is one
of those people who should have a mandatory mental health exam. It's
highly apparent that he should be nowhere near a firearm.). Sunday,
January 13, 2013: A spokesperson for the NRA says that Congress
will not have enough votes to pass a bill to ban assault weapons (He
seemed very happy about it.). Since Vice President Joe Biden will
give his recommendations on curbing gun violence to the President on
Tuesday, sales of semi-automatic weapons have skyrocketed, with gun
nuts fearing that assault weapons will soon be banned for sale. Who's
is right here, the NRA or the gun nuts? Only time will tell. My only
hope is that Biden (who I am beginning to regard as a force of
nature) doesn't recommend that the government get involved with
violence in films, TV or video games. That is not the answer and
never will be. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Assault
weapons are not used for hunting, so why do our citizens need them?
We have a healthy armed militia to watch our backs, so citizens
should be happy with their handguns, rifles and shotguns. There is a
reason the Tea Party is broke (bringing assault weapons to rallies,
churches, etc.). No one believes their line of bullshit any more.
These recent massacres have proved that and no amount of backtracking
on their part will repair the damage they have done to this country. Wednesday,
January 16, 2013: President Obama holds a televised conference
where he announced sweeping changes in gun laws (and, thankfully, no
mention of violence in movies or video games) and wants the assault
weapon ban reinstated (although it probably won't pass in Congress
because the NRA are deep inside the Republican's pockets), along with
comprehensive background checks for the purchase of any firearm and
better mental health checks. And what does the NRA do? They release a
TV commercial calling the President a "hypocrite" because
his two daughters have Secret Service protection and they carry guns.
Of course they do, you mental midgets. Every President's kids since
the 60's have had Secret Service protection, otherwise they would be
easy targets for kidnapping. One gun shop owner compared banning
assault weapons to blaming cars for causing deaths. Moron. Guns were
made to kill, cars were made to drive. Of course people die in cars,
just like they do in house fires, tornados, hurricanes and cancer. If
you can't tell the difference, you should no longer have a permit to
sell firearms. Thursday, January 24, 2013: Sen. Jay
Rockefeller is making another attempt to get a National Academy of
Sciences to study the effects of violent content -- including violent
video programming. The West Virginia Democrat, who has announced he
will retire and not seek re-election in 2014, on Thursday
reintroduced his Violent Content Research Act with
bipartisan co-sponsorship from Sens. Richard Blumenthal, D-Conn.;
Mike Johanns, R-Neb.; Dean Heller, R-Nev.; and Tom Coburn R-Ok. While
Rockefeller pointed to concerns about TV violence, Johanns also cited
the movies. Our kids are routinely exposed to movies,
television and video games that glorify violence and allow them to
simulate violent acts, Johanns said in a statement. This
legislation will allow us to study what, if any, impact this exposure
has on our youth, and if it encourages or desensitizes our children
to the real-life consequences of violence. Under the
legislation, the National Academy would be required to undertake a
comprehensive look at whether violent programming and violent video
games harm children, either directly by causing kids to act more
aggressively or more indirectly. One focus would be on whether the
violent material has a direct and long-lasting impact on a
childs well-being. The bill calls for the study to be done
within 15 months and the results reported back to Congress, the
Federal Trade Commission, the Federal Communications Commission and
the Department of Health and Human Services. Rockefeller originally
introduced the call for a study last year, but he has had a long
history of concern about violent programming. In a statement
Thursday, Rockefeller cited the recent incidents of gun violence as
the reason for the bills reintroduction. Im
reintroducing my bill because Congress should do everything we can to
address gun violence, he said. We need comprehensive
policies to fully protect our communities. This study is an important
element of this approach. (Editor speaking: Christ, here we go
again. Millions of people watch violent films, TV shows and play
violent video games and are upstanding citizens who would never break
the law because of what they watched or played. If Rockefeller and
his cronies can't understand that, maybe they should all retire. Just
like a politician to punish the many for the sins of a few. I guess
it is easier to take on the National Academy of Sciences than the
powerful Health Insurance and NRA lobbies.) March 21, 2013: As
expected, Congress declined to pass the semi-automatic weapons ban
and the ban of the amount of ammo allowed in a clip is dead on
arrival, thanks to NRA pressure. It's time we got rid of these
extreme cowards (many who are too old to make up their own minds,
nevermind the entire country), who have seem to have forgotten the
massacre that happened a mere three months earlier, and would rather
line their pockets with NRA lobby money. As one anonymous member of
Congress told the media: "This Bill was dead before it even hit
the floor." How many more children's graves do we have to dig
before we get the Democrats and Republicans to open their eyes and
see the light? This decision makes me sad to be an American right
now. April 29, 2013: It is now official. I am completely
disgusted in our system of government where we can tell people what
to eat (not too much salt or calories now because we need you to
contribute to a failing health care system), how much they can drink
(I can drink 16 ounces in a minute. So I can just buy another 16
ounce bottle. Thankfully, this nanny law was overturned by a smart
judge in New York) and how old you have to be to smoke (a bad habit
kids, so don't do it, but I'm trying to make a point here), yet
Congress, the Senate and other politicians can't pass one page of gun
law restriction, not even for background checks and the amount of
bullets allowed in a clip. Jesus Christ, are they all mad or are
their pockets that deep with NRA money? What we need are less
politicians and more people with consciences that put the lives of
people above our right to own automatic or semi-automatic weapons. We
can all wish, right? November 4, 2014: Republicans win the
majority of seats in both Houses of Congress, so don't look for gun
laws to change for the better. Look for them to change for the worst.
I guess the majority of Americans don't care about children being
needlessly gunned-down in school or normal citizens being massacred
in places where they should feel safe. Look for more States to pass
open-carry laws as the simple-minded scare those with common sense by
carrying shotguns and semi-automatic weapons into your favorite
department stores and restaurants. Will this madness never end? All
Of 2015: More mass shootings happen at extremely alarming rates,
yet all we hear is outrage and no laws to try to prevent it from
happening. My hope is that our next President (And please, Lord,
don't let it be Donald Trump!) in 2016 makes this issue one of their
top priorities. Never in my life have I seen a Senate and House
automatically oppose all of President Obama's legislation (And to say
it's not because he is Black is just being ignorant. Most of these
old Republicans come from Southern families that owned slaves. Some
older Democrats, too), so the President has to bypass them and use
Executive Orders. And here's one thing about Donald Trump: Just
because he says out loud what many people think doesn't make him a
good candidate for President. It makes him a racist. He seems to
forget that our country was founded by immigrants after we abused and
killed millions of Native Americans. He will destroy this country.
And remember this: As a businessman, he is a pretty poor one. He has
filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy three times. Does that sound like a
good businessman? Or a good politician? They say we all get what we
deserve, but we don't deserve Trump or Jeb Bush making decisions for
us. It's time for a woman in the White House, but there is going to
be plenty of mud-slinging from Republicans and the Religious Right,
who believe women are a lower species than man and should be
subserviant. In these "enlightened" times, people that
still think this way and back their beliefs by quoting the Bible are
total assholes.
I
usually don't review recent theatrical releases on this site, but
since this is a section of the site where I just speak my mind, I
have to wonder this: Is there a bigger badass in films today than
Dwayne Johnson? I know he made his name wrestling under the moniker
"The Rock", but he can just drop that name now and go by
his real name. I just saw him recently in two films, the R-Rated FASTER
(2010) and as part of
the PG-13 THE FAST AND
THE FURIOUS (2001) franchise FAST
FIVE (2011) and I have never seen a modern action hero play
two separate roles with equal aplomb as Mr. Johnson does. In FASTER,
Johnson is a betrayed getaway driver who watches his brother get his
throat cut after pulling a bank heist. Johnson gets a bullet in his
head, but survives and spends the next ten years in jail. When he
gets out, he wastes no time in killing all those responsible for the
betrayal and his brother's death, usually at the end of a gun. He is
chased by drug-addled cop Billy Bob Thorton and eccentric (but
physically fit) hit man Oliver Jackson-Cohen (who had polio as a
child), but they don't catch up with him until he gets everyone on
his hit list. You can see the "surprise" ending coming a
mile away, but that makes no difference, because Dwayne Johnson takes
no prisoners in this film and lets his gun do his talking (he does
show some compassion at the end, but even the most mean-hearted
bastard would have done the same). He makes the perfect anti-hero in
this film which, unfortunately, did very little business in theaters.
I can't imagine why. It's a great action film directed by George
Tillman Jr. (who directed the Notorious B.I.G. biopic NOTORIOUS
the previous year) with a lean and mean screenplay by brothers Tony
Gayton (THE SALTON SEA
- 2002) and Joe Gayton (BULLETPROOF
- 1996). On the opposite end of the popularity spectrum, Johnson
plays a cop in FAST FIVE,
who is out to capture Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and their gang (all
together for the first time since the original film). At first, he
wants nothing more than to see these crooks put behind bars and his
fight with Vin Diesel is a doozy (it's even better in the Unrated
Director's Cut DVD), but when he sees his entire special forces team
wiped out by a ruthless Rio drug lord (played by Joaquim de Almeida [DESPERADO
- 1995]), he joins up with Diesel and Walker to bring these nasties
down. Besides the knock-down, drag-out fight between Johnson and
Diesel (there is no clear winner and I bet it was in both of their
contracts), there's also a thrilling safe heist by two cars that must
be seen to be believed. This film did blockbuster
business in theaters (It's easy to see why with the cast of
seasoned pros and pretty good direction by Justin Lin [Who directed
four FAST AND THE FURIOUS
films, including FAST &
FURIOUS 6 - 2013, which also did blockbuster business in
theaters across the world. Part 7 will be directed by James Wan and
open on July 11, 2014] and a twisty screenplay by Chris Morgan [WANTED
- 2008]), but I still prefer Johnson in FASTER.
He's one mean-assed motherfucker in that one. Sure, Johnson has done
his share of stinkers (TOOTH FAIRY
- 2010, anyone?), but most of his action films, including THE
RUNDOWN - 2003; WALKING TALL
- 2004; DOOM - 2005 and his
extended cameos on RENO 911: MIAMI!
- 2007 (which always makes me laugh out loud) and THE
OTHER GUYS (2010) have been entertaining junk food for the
mind. I didn't even mind Johnson in JOURNEY
2: THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND (2012). It's worth it just to hear
him sing his own lyrics to "It's A Wonderful World", where
he compares co-star Michael Caine to Yoda! (He does sing the proper
version of the song as the end credits roll and he's not half-bad).
This sequel is much more enjoyable and fast-moving (if highly
improbable) than the 2008
original (which starred Brendan Fraser and not Dwayne Johnson)
and it was nice to see Luis Guzmán (THE
SALTON SEA - 2002) get such a big role as the comical
character. UPDATE: Both Dwayne Johnson and Dolph Lundgren are
hosting their own Summer 2013 reality competition series. Johnson is
hosting THE HERO on TNT,
where he puts ordinary citizens through "dangerous"
obstacles, while Lundgren is hosting RACE
TO THE SCENE on Reelz, where ordinary citizens re-enact
scenes from popular action films throughout the past three decades.
After watching teaser trailers for both series, I have to give
Lundgren's show the upper hand, especially when the competition have
to dress like Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta in PULP
FICTION (1995) and recreate the scene where Travolta's gun
accidentally discharges and spreads the brains of their captive all
over the inside of the car. I was laughing hysterically. Johnson's
series looks more like an extreme version of FEAR
FACTOR (2001 - 2012), which was hosted by Joe Rogan.
Good
God Almighty, I'm sick and tired of all these "torture
porn" films (a term I hate, but it is best known among genre
enthusiasts and has become a part of the filmic vernacular) that have
flooded the DTV market. What hath SAW
(2004) and HOSTEL (2005)
wrought? I've reviewed many of these copycat films on my site, but I
promise you that I will be reviewing no more (I will be reviewing
them only in this section of the site, not in any of the categories).
I just got finished watching two films: ARE
YOU SCARED (2005) and
its unrelated sequel ARE YOU
SCARED 2 (2009) and I can't imagine in my wildest dreams how
the creators of the SAW
franchise haven't sued the pants off of director/writer Andy Hurst
(who did the first film) and directors/writers John Lands &
Russell Appling (who were responsible for the sequel). First off, the
first film contains a voice that sounds just like the
"Jigsaw" character (played by Tobin Bell), but with an
ending so lame, you'll want to kick in the TV screen. The unrelated
sequel is twice as bad, since we know that Tony Todd is responsible
for all the "ingenious" traps. Do people actually find
these films entertaining? If they do, they are one of the main
reasons why there are no original horror movies anymore (or very
little of it). I know that filmmakers love to jump on the bandwagons
of films that have made some good scratch on theatrical screens
(witness THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
[1999] "found footage" phenomenon, which turned everyone
with a video camera into a "filmmaker", an annoying
practice which is still going on today [it's funny because the PARANORMAL
ACTIVITY franchise killed-off the SAW
franchise]), but there should be an automatic moratorium on how long
these copycat films can be made. Shitballs, they are still being made
today, a good eight years after the original films were made. If you
want reviews of films of this type, go to other review sites. I'm
done with them for good. Gore for the sake of gore just doesn't do it
for me anymore. Other films that fit this mold are: CRUEL
WORLD (2005; Edward Furlong stars as a demented psycho who
gets a bunch of people to believe they are on a reality show, where
he uses deadly games to pick the winner.); HOLLYWOOD
KILLS (2006; Where a reclusive director/producer gets off on
torturing his actors in various bloody ways.); CAPTIVITY
(2007; Elisha Cuthbert gets tortured. After all her crap we had to
put up with in the TV series 24
[2001 - 2010], like getting chased by a mountain lion, all I have to
say is: "It's about fucking time!"); HACK!
(2007; Homicidal husband & wife use a bunch of film students to
make a snuff film.); LIVE ANIMALS
(2008; Where a man cages humans like animals, rapes and tortures them
and then sells them on the white slave market.); STAUNTON
HILL (2009; An extremely fat mother and her sons use
strangers for cannibalistic meals and medical experiments. Includes a
shotgun blast that blows-off a leg and a graphic scalping.); MEAT
GRINDER (2009; A SAW
knockoff made in Thailand.); SKELETON
CREW (2009; A movie director finds rolls of film where a
deranged doctor at the mental institution they are filming at is
shown killing his patients in gory ways and soon he is doing the same
thing to his actors.); SUTURES
(2009; where we watch Andrew Prine as a demented surgeon, who
harvests human organs for rich people, remove a girl's saline breast
implant, a new low in horror films); NINE
DEAD (2010; Nine people are handcuffed in a building's room
and one person is killed every ten minutes until they try to figure
out their connection to one another.); THE
TORTURED (2010; A husband & wife kidnap the convict they
think is responsible for their son's death and put him through things
even I won't mention. It turns out, in the finale, that they
kidnapped the wrong convict and he kills himself, either because the
torture made him believe he was the killer or he just didn't want to
be tortured anymore.); MASK MAKER
(2010; Where the killer wears the faces of the people he kills. Holy
Leatherface, Batman!); CHAIN LETTER
(2010; Six friends are tracked down and graphically murdered when
they don't forward an email chain letter.); OUTTAKE
REEL (2011; A lawyer introduces videotaped evidence to the
jury of how the accussed murdering director killed his leading female
star, including scenes of violent torture.); BUNNYMAN
(2011; A deformed man in a bunny suit and his demented family capture
people on the road with their truck and cut them up with chainsaws
and other sharp objects. Spawned a sequel called THE
BUNNYMAN MASSACRE - 2012); THE
BLEEDING HOUSE (2011; A surgeon with car trouble spends the
night with a family with some very bloody secrets.); THE
WOMAN (2011; A misogynist husband captures a feral woman,
chains her in his basement and puts her and his family through hell
[except for their son, who loves this stuff].), and dozens of others.
My
new favorite title for a horror film is TICKED-OFF
TRANNIES WITH KNIVES (2010), a fake grindhouse-style film
(fake emulsion scratches, missing frames and reels) that's not very
good, but the title makes me laugh and at least it's not one of those
fake Troma titles that
has nothing to do with the film. Theses are real trannies (Krystal
Summers, Kelexis Davenport, William Belli, Erica Andrews and Jenna
Skyy as "Tipper Somemore") who carry out vengeance with
knives and other objects shoved up the bad guys asses after two of
the trannies are killed by some racist asshole men (one of them an
ex-boyfriend of one of the trannies) in the parking lot of the joint
the women work in. They are taught the finer points of martial arts
and knife-handling by their manager Fergus (Richard D. Curtin; and
this is one of the points that a reel is missing, probably because it
would cost too much to film it). Director/writer Israel Luna (FRIGHT
FLICK - 2011; THE
OUIJA EXPERIMENT - 2011) fortunately doesn't take the
material seriously, because the acting talent involved is, shall we
say, less than impressive (especially Tom Zembrod as lead baddie
"Boner"). In the film's defense, this is the first acting
appearance for 95% of the cast. At least there is truth to the title,
as the three trannies use their knife skills in the finale of the
film (even sticking a couple up Boner's gang's assholes!) and giving
Boner his just desserts in the bloody finale. The film is nothing
special, but the title makes me laugh. Filmed in Dallas, Texas. NOTE:
This film was given bad press by GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance
Against Defamation), which gets a quote against it on the DVD package
by John Waters, who says, "GLAAD came out against it? Lighten
up. What the fuck?" My sentiments exactly. It does not portray
the trannie community in a negative light (quite the contrary, it
shows them as a tight-knit community who actually care about each
other, even with some bitchy comments between the girls), which
proves to me only one thing: Even organizations which address the Gay
& Lesbian community in a positive light can sometimes have huge
sticks up their asses. Whether they enjoy it or not is totally their
preference. The gay community has made wide strides in the past ten
years. Why can't they have their own horror fims without some gay
organization flinging shit at it? I'm not gay, but I do enjoy films
that portray the different lifestyles I have no idea about. We should
all learn to be tolerant of people that are different than us (and I
don't mean that in any detrimental way) and a good way to do that is
read books or watch films (even horror films) that portray those
lifestyles. NOTE: I have been getting some pretty serious
feedback from this post. It seems that those from the Nothern part of
the United States agree with me and most (but not all) of those from
the Southern part of the U.S. disagree with me (One guy even
threatened to cut my dick off!). To those in the Bible Belt, this is
all I have to say: Bite me! Since this movie was filmed in Texas, you
would think that most people wouldn't give a damn if someone was a
trannie or not, but the sad fact is, every email I received from
Texas was negative in tone. Thank God they're not allowed to carry
guns in that State (that was sarcasm).
A
lot of people want to know my opinion about torrent sites and its
relationship to low DVD sales. I's sorry, I just don't buy it as a
valid excuse. Yes, there are people out there who download the newest
blockbusters so they don't have to pay for a DVD or Blu-Ray of the
title, but I believe there are many more just like myself who use
these sites to download films that have never had a U.S. home video
release or fansubbed editions of foreign films that never had a
proper release in the States. I only belong to one torrent site,
Cinemageddon (I will not give out its URL, but it's easily found if
you Google it), and I have only used it to download films from the
Philippines and Indonesia that never had a home video release here.
If the film did have a U.S. VHS release, I will not download the film
from the torrent site, period. I will scour the Internet for auction
sites that may have the title for sale and always pay for the
privilege to see the film (or, in some cases, I just won't see the
film). Here's the rub: The person who wants to download a film must
do their research before using a torrent site. If the film has had a
legitimate home video release in any format, it should be off-limits
for downloading. So do your research before downloading a film for
free. It's really not that hard and only takes a few minutes if you
use search
sites like Google or film sites like the IMDB. Yes, I know we live
in an economy where money is low and watching films takes a back seat
to such important things as eating and paying your rent, but that is
no excuse for downloading a readily-available film from a torrent
site for free. And I'm sick and tired of DVD companies complaining
that the use of torrents sites hurts their bottom line so bad, they
may go out of business. I firmly believe part of the problem lies
with the rights holders of the films and the exorbitant amounts of
money they ask for their prints. Blaming torrent sites for their bad
business in an economy like this is just plain stupid. Maybe the MPAA
and all the major film companies should try and figure out a way to
stop China and other Asian countries from pirating their films.
That's a major problem, yet you hardly read anything about it. People
like myself (and I believe I'm in the majority here) want to feel the
legitimate physical media in their hands, not a digital file on a
hard drive. Blaming torrent sites (especially with all these FBI and
Interpol raids) is just an idiotic excuse to put the blame on a
growing problem on the Internet. The Internet is not to blame; it's
the backwards approach that the MPAA and film companies take to fight
the problem. At least a lot of the film companies are now streaming
their titles, but believe me, when some hacker figures out a way to
grab these titles off the Internet for free, the majority of the
Internet community will suffer. It's like what the Music Industry
said when the MP3 was born. They screamed, "This is the end of
the music industry as we know it!" But when they adapted to the
digital format on the Internet and saw that there was big money to be
made, the Music Industry changed its mind really quickly and are
making money hand-over-fist. Here's hoping that we quit blaming
torrent sites and come up with a way to solve the film downloading
problem. It's small potatoes, yet they treat it like it's the end of
the world. And don't get me started on the pressed DVD/DVD-R debate.
A digital file is a digital file, so as long as the releasing company
puts their best effort into presenting the film on disc, I couldn't
care if it is a pressed DVD or a DVD-R. If you didn't look at the
physical media before putting it in your DVD player, there is no way
you can tell the difference (except DVD-Rs take a little longer to
load). And I'm also sick and tired of people saying that DVD-Rs have
a short life span. If you use the correct brand of DVD-R media (like
Verbatim), your discs should last a lifetime. I have had some for
over ten years that play just as well as the day I made them. I've
had more pressed DVDs fail on me than DVD-Rs. Agree with me or not,
but those are the facts. If you are so worried that a DVD-R you
bought is going to fail on you, make a backup. It only takes a couple
of minutes and it will give you peace of mind. Also be mindful that
weather can play a substantial part in how long your discs last. If
you live in a dry climate without hardly any humidity, you really
should have no problem with your discs. If you live in a
high-humidity climate (like the tropics), your best bet is to store
your discs in a dry, cool dark place like a closet.
Here is my list of best horror/fantasy/action/thriller remakes of the new Millennium. Yeah, I know, for every good one there are a dozen bad ones, but there have been some really fantastic ones that anti-remake people should see. I purposely kept remakes of animated (both TV and feature films) and live action TV shows off the list (such as MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE [1996; the year I believe the new Millennium started to affect filmmakers], STARSHIP TROOPERS [1997; there was a 6-part Japanese animated TV show titled "Uchû No Senshi" in 1988, the year author Robert A. Heinlein passed away], CHARLIE'S ANGELS [2000; not the very short-lived 2011 TV Series remake], THE LITTLE VAMPIRE [2000; based on the German TV Series "Der kleine Vampir - Neue Abenteuer"], SPIDER-MAN [2002], STARSKY & HUTCH [2004], SERENITY [2005, a continuation of the quickly canceled TV series FIREFLY - 2002], FANTASTIC FOUR [2005, not the embarassing 1994 Roger Corman production of the same name], BATMAN BEGINS [2005], IRON MAN [2008], BLOOD: THE LAST VAMPIRE [2009], STAR TREK [2009], WATCHMEN [2009], THE A-TEAM [2010], 21 JUMP STREET [2012] and THE EQUALIZER [2014]) and live action remakes of video games (MARS ATTACKS! [1996], RESIDENT EVIL [2002], HELLBOY [2004], DOOM [2005], SILENT HILL [2006], FAR CRY [2008], PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIME [2010], all of which I really liked). For those of you wondering why I haven't put the new version of THE THING (2010) on either the best or worst list, it's easy to explain: It's a prequel, not a remake and just for the record, I liked it. This is my biased list based on my personal preference in no particular order:
1)
MOTHER'S
DAY (2010) - Simply fantastic home invasion horror thriller
based on a real-life incident. A remake in-name only, although I am a
big fan of the original 1980 film.
Don't ask me to choose which one I like better..
2)
DAWN
OF THE DEAD (2004) - Proves that fast-moving zombies can be
very scary. A perfect mix of horror and action. Comparing the 1978
original with the remake is like comparing apples with oranges.
3)
LAST
HOUSE ON THE LEFT (2009) - Sticks close to the 1972
original, but throws a few twists and turns of its own into the
mix. The audience I was with cheered at the ending. Stay away from
the semi-remake CHAOS (2003),
starring the late Sage Stallone. It's nothing but gore for gore's
sake and the lead bad guy gets away! (Review HERE).
4)
LET
ME IN (2010) - A near-perfect remake of the Swedish LET
THE RIGHT ONE IN (2008). Too bad not many people saw it in
theaters (due to a terrible ad campaign). The acting is top-notch and
the storyline compelling. What more could you want?
5)
MY
BLOODY VALENTINE (2009) - A good old-fashioned horror film
(shot in 3-D) that at least got the 1981
original released in its unedited glory on DVD. I never thought
I would see the day!
6)
THE
CRAZIES (2009) - This is actually better than director
George A. Romero's 1973 original,
which I found to be very slow going. I was never a fan of Romero's
original, but I like the remake very much.
7)
I
SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE (2010) - As with THE
CRAZIES, I was never a fan of the original
1978 film, so this remake is a vast improvement. Better acting
(Sarah Butler makes a much stronger vengeful victim) and better
effects (although the original's penis slicing will never leave your
brain once you have seen it). There are some memorable deaths that
differ from the original (The Sheriff and the retard's death in the
finale [the Sheriff liked raping his victim up the ass, so she
returns the favor with a shotgun up his]; the mechanic having all his
teeth pulled out with pliers so he can suck on a pistol and then
having his dick cut off with hedge shears and his dismembered penis
shoved in his mouth; the videotape fanatic who is caught in a bear
trap, tied to a tree, has his eyelids kept open by fishing hooks
pulled tight to a tree by fishing line and has fish guts spread on
his face while birds peck out his eyes; a guy who must try to keep
his head above a bathtub filled with water and caustic lime and
failing miserably, turning his face into a bloody pulp.), but the
multiple rapes are still hard to watch. Stay away from the R-rated
version and go for the Unrated one if you want to see all the good
stuff, especially poor Tracey Walter's death by shotgun at the hands
of the Sheriff. The new one spawned a slightly inferior sequel, I
SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE 2 (2013), both directed by Steven R.
Monroe (IT WAITS - 2005; WYVERN
- 2008). Sarah Butler returns as the same character in the Unrated I
SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE III: VENGEANCE IS MINE (2015), directed
by R.D. Braunstein.
8)
THE
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003) - Although my heart will
always belong to the 1974 original,
the performance by R. Lee Ermey in the remake will chill you to the
bone. And the sequence where the camera pulls back from the front of
the kid's van through the bullet hole in the suicidal girl's head is
masterful. Skip the prequel, THE
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING (2006), directed by
Jonathan Liebesman of the supremely awful DARKNESS
FALLS (2003), since we all know who will live and who
will die. Did anyone actually think that Leatherface and his clan
were going to die in this film? It's just gore for gore's sake
(although we do find out how Monty [Terrence Evans] ends up in the
wheelchair missing both of his legs below the knees). You should also
skip TEXAS
CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE NEXT GENERATION (1994),
director/screenwriter Kim Henkel's "What The Fuck?!?"
reboot of the original film. If someone could explain the ending for
me, especially the French-sounding guy who seems to be controling the
family, please email me.
The newest reboot, TEXAS
CHAINSAW 3D (2012), ignores all the films in the series
except the first original one and was the #1 U.S. boxoffice draw the
first week of its theatrical release in January of 2013 (It was
delayed from its original October 2012 theatrical release date due to
the MPAA slapping an NC-17 Rating on it). It was savaged by critics,
but since when did that stop anyone from seeing a film? I watched the
Unrated version on VOD (so far, the only way to see the Unrated
version in the U.S., since the DVD and Blu-Ray are of the theatrical
R-Rated version) and it's pretty good, but not necessary at all
(There are some gaping plot holes, especially regarding the
timeline). It uses footage from the original Hooper film (which ends
with new footage of the entire Sawyer clan being gunned down by the
town's citizens, except for a female baby, who is kidnapped by a
white trash married couple and raised in another state under the name
Heather, unaware of her roots) and then switches to the present day,
where Heather (Alexandra Daddario), inherits her unknown dead
grandmother's mansion, not knowing that Leatherface lives in a locked
apartment in the basement. Even though Leatherface (played by Dan
Yeager) kills a lot of people (one is chainsawed in half while
hanging on a meathook), the film makes him seem like he has a much
more emotional core than the other films and even the police
department head, Sheriff Hooper (Thom Barry), lets him and Heather
get away with murdering those responsible for killing the Sawyer clan
decades ago, including the town's mayor, Burt (Paul Rae), who
organized the townspeople for the past Sawyer massacre (He has his
hands chainsawed off and he falls into an industrial meat grinder).
Look for cameos by Gunnar Hansen, Bill Moseley and the late Marilyn
Burns in the new footage and a funny stinger after the end credits
roll. It sets up for a sequel (rumored to be filmed and released in
2015) that could make Leatherface an anti-hero!
9)
BLACK
CHRISTMAS (2006) - Even though the late Bob Clark-directed 1974
original was considered a classic of its time (and one of the
early slasher films), this remake has a lot to offer slasher fans,
especially if you have a thing for eyes (lots of symbolism and
violence connected to eyes). Not bad at all for a slasher flick.
10)
THE
RING (2002) - I'm not a big fan of Japanese horror films, so
when director Gore Verbinski (A
CURE FOR WELLNESS - 2017) decided to remake the 1998
Japanese original, I wasn't expecting much. Boy, was I wrong.
This is a scary, well-photographed and expertly acted horror flick.
Whomever said VHS is dead has never watched this film (or maybe they have).
11)
PIRANHA (2010)
- Fun 3-D remake (or reimagining in this case) of director Joe
Dante's 1977 original. Lots of naked
boobs (and full nudity), plenty of blood and gore and a hip sense of
fun. Director Alexandre Aja, who made the so-so THE
HILL HAVE EYES (2006) remake, as well as the boring MIRRORS
(2008) remake, seems to be having a lot of fun here and it shows on
the screen (It's the only time you'll see a piranha swallow Jerry
O'Connell's dick and then spit it out in 3-D!). Also remade as a 1995
pay cable film. The sequel, PIRANHA
3DD (2011), directed by John Gulager (FEAST
- 2006, and its two sequels
[2008 & 2009]), is not as bad as some people say it is (It was
supposed to be released theatrically, but went straight to
Blu-Ray/DVD, which to some means that it was too awful for the big
screen). It's not as good as the remake, but it has plenty of
positive points, including lots of gore, naked breasts (and some
full-frontal nudity), another 3-D penis gag (you have to see it to
believe it) funny performances by David Koechner and David Hasselhoff
(playing a parody version of himself), cameos by Gary Busey, Clu
Gulager (John's father), an uncredited appearance by a legless Ving
Rhames, reprising his role from the first film, who has a little
extra firepower in one of his artifical metal legs (Paul Scheer also
makes a reprise from the first film as Rhames' therapy partner) and
the return of Christopher Lloyd as the piranha expert Mr. Goodwin.
Not perfect, but a fun 83 minutes. John's next film, sadly, was a
SyFy/The Asylum production called ZOMBIE
NIGHT (2013). Still, it was pretty good given the paultry
budget Gulager was given to make it and it has its fans because it
has the Gulager touch.
12)
FRIGHT
NIGHT (2011) - Although the premise is the same (a vampire
moves next door to a divorced mother and her son), the rest of the
film is quite different than the 1985 original.
Colin Farrell is appropriately creepy as Jerry ("That's a
terrible vampire name. Jerry?", says Charlie Brewster [Anton
Yelchin]), but the Peter Vincent character (here played by a rather
good David Tennant as a magician/vampire "expert") is pared
way-down from the original film, which hurts it somewhat. Still,
there's enough good stuff here (including a cameo by the original's
vampire, Chris Sarandon, as a motorist who suffers a horrible fate)
to make watching the film worthwhile. I've read reviews where they
say that Colin Farrell phones his performance in, but I wonder if
they even bothered watching the film? Followed by a DTV sequel, FRIGHT
NIGHT 2: NEW BLOOD (2013).
13)
STRAW
DOGS (2011) - Although it would nearly be impossible to
improve upon director Sam Peckinpah's 1971
revenge thriller, this new version has enough verve to make you
sit back and take notice. It's nothing spectacular, but it does have
its positive points, including a really bloody finale (and, yes, a
bear trap is involved).
14)
THIR13EN
GHOSTS (2001) - Totally different than director William
Castle's 1960 predecessor, this
reimagining is a winner of set design (the glass house itself should
have won an Academy Award), makeup effects (you actually get to see
someone sliced in half sideways, something I have never seen before)
and some really scary ghosts. Besides, it's one of the few films out
there to star Tony Shaloub in the main role.
15)
HOUSE
ON HAUNTED HILL (1999) - I'm letting this one slide by, even
if it's not from the new Millennium because it's a thrill ride thanks
to the love/hate relationship between Geoffrey Rush and Famke Janssen
(you can really see the love they have for each other, even if they
play the hate card more often), just like Vincent Price and Carol
Ohmart did in the 1959 original.
Not a perfect film (Chris Kattan, anyone?), but a fun one
nonetheless with a must-see stinger when the end credits stop.
16)
THE
GRUDGE (2004) - Like I have said previously, I'm not the
biggest fan of Japanese horror films, but when Hollywood hired
Takashi Shimizu, the director of the 2002
original to "Americanize" the film, I was more than a
little worried. Then I watched the film. It's one of the very few
times that I jumped off my couch and was truly frightened (If you
have seen the remake, you know what scene I am talking about). Jesus
Christ Almighty, I think my skin left my body for a second! Screw the
unneeded American sequels, this one is the real deal.
17)
THE
AMITYVILLE HORROR (2005) - I've seen a lot worse than this
remake of what I consider an overlong 1979
original. The performances are restrained and not overblown
(like Rod Steiger in the original) and it's nearly 30 minutes shorter
than the original. Give it a try when you have the chance and you
might be pleased with the results. For my review of the remake, click HERE.
18)
DEATH
RACE (2008) - Fun reimagining of DEATH
RACE 2000 (1975); this one taking place at a prison where a
reality TV program called "Death Race" gets plenty of good
ratings, thanks to the mechanizations of crooked prison warden Joan
Allen. The rules may have changed from the original, but that doesn't
make this reimagining any less fun. It has spawned two sequels so
far, but stick with the remake. Even The Asylum made their own
version, DEATH RACERS
(2008), starring members of the Insane Clown Posse!
19)
SORORITY
ROW (2009) - Pretty good remake of the 1982
original, instead this time the sorority girls accidentally kill
one of their own (it was the house mother in the original), cover it
up and someone is killing them one-by-one in retribution. The remake
is no great shakes, but it does have a sense of fun and an attractive
cast of girls (including Bruce Willis & Demi Moore's daughter,
Rumer Willis, who is attractive in an unusual sort of way). Not a bad
little slasher time-waster. For my review of the 1982 original, click HERE.
20)
THE
MECHANIC (2011) - Although I still prefer the Charles
Bronson/Jan-Michael Vincent 1972 original,
this remake is still a pretty good action vehicle starring Jason
Statham (HOMEFRONT - 2013,
written by Sylvester Stallone!) in the Bronson role and an underrated
Ben Foster (INFERNO - 2016) in
the Vincent role. Yes, there's still the memorable ending here that
the original had, but with a slight twist. Not a bad action remake
and good for at least one viewing. One question: Where does Jason
Statham find the time to appear in so many action films in the last
few years? It seems that whenever I turn on my TV, there's a
different film he's starring in. Don't get me wrong, I like the guy.
It's just that I don't want to see him burn himself out with audiences.
21)
DON'T
BE AFRAID OF THE DARK (2010) - This remake of the 1973
TV Movie has some truly good jump scares, even if the little
creatures from the original can't be replaced by this lover of 1970's
TV Movies. This is probably one of Katie Holmes' greatest
accomplishments, aside from her divorce from Tom Cruise and breaking
off with Scientology. Not a great remake, but a good one.
22)
THE
WOMAN IN BLACK (2012) - It's hard for me to decide which is
the better film: This excellent remake (from the new Hammer Films
production company, the same outfit who gave us the wonderful LET
ME IN [2010]) or the equally excellent British
1989 TV Movie. Both films are based on the Susan Hill novel of
the same name (Don't read it alone at night because you'lll never get
any sleep. Take it from someone who knows.) and both films will raise
the hairs on the back of your neck with their creepiness and ghostly
images. What the hell. See them both and decide for yourself. They
are both different enough to merit repeat viewings.
23)
THE
LODGER (2009) - Crackling good thriller based on the 1944
original with the same name. There are a few differences: In the
original, a woman believes she may have rented a room to Jack The
Ripper (Laird Cregar). In the remake, a delusional woman rents a
guest house to a mysterious stranger (Simon Baker; THE
MENTALIST - 2008-2015), who may be committing Jack The
Ripper-like murders across to city, much to the consternation of a
very troubled detective (an excellent Alfred Molina; "Doc
Ock" in SPIDER-MAN 2
- 2004; the short-lived [and retooled mid-season] LAW
& ORDER: LOS ANGELES - 2010-2011). In the remake, the
question becomes: Is the mysterious stranger nothing but a figment of
the woman's troubled imagination, since she is on anti-psychotic
medication and spent some time in an institution? The ending resolves
that question. As can be expected by the 65-year difference, the
remake is much more bloodier than the original, but both films are
excellent examples of how to make a taut movie that holds your attention.
24)
DREDD
3D (2012) - Karl Urban (DOOM
- 2005) lets his chin do the talking in this OK reimagining of the
1995 Sylvester Stallone film JUDGE DREDD
(although I miss uber-religious cannibal Pa Angel [an uncredited
Scott Wilson] and his boys [especially "Mean Machine",
played by Chris Adamson] in the new film). The remake is more like a
futuristic DIE HARD (1988)
than a Dredd film, but that doesn't matter. It's a good, bloody,
shoot 'em-up with lots of action and very little brain cell activity.
We all need that kind of film every now and then. Well, at least the
new film doesn't have Rob Schneider as comedy relief. I just wish
this 3D fad will die out soon. Being born with only one good eye, it
leaves me fewer choices of theaters to go see a 3D film in 2D. You
need two good eyes to view 3D, although you do understand what the
filmmakers were going for when watching the film in 2D. NOTE:
There is a grassroots movement to get another Dredd film made and
Urban (who just finished a run on the canceled TV series ALMOST
HUMAN - 2013-2014) is more than willing to do another one,
but the first film didn't do well financially in theaters and the
studio isn't biting.
25)
THE
TAKING OF PELHAM 1 2 3 (2009) - Enjoyable updating of the
1974 original, which was titled THE
TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE (Notice the difference?).
Denzel Washington takes the Walter Matthau role and John Travolta
(who was going through the grief process of the unexpected death of
his son Jett during filming) the Robert Shaw role from the original
and both films are different enough (the first one was about
collecting ransom money and the second one about shortselling the
Stock Market and making a fortune in gold) to enjoy on their own
merits. The only thing missing from the remake is the final Walter
Matthau "Gotcha!" moment when he visits Martin Balsam's
apartment. That is one of the more iconic scenes in a 70's action
film, right up there with Jan-Michael Vincent's death in THE
MECHANIC (1972). Tony Scott, the director of the remake,
unfortunately took his own life in 2012 by jumping off a bridge. The
reasons are still unclear. There was also a Canadian
TV remake of the film in 1998 starring Edward James Olmos (good
guy) and Vincent D'Onofrio (bad guy), but the less said about it, the
better. I'm tired of Canadian films trying to pass themselves as
being set in New York City.
26)
SHERLOCK
HOLMES (2009) - Being a Baby-Boomer, I was always fed a
steady diet of Basil Rathbone as Holmes and Nigel Bruce as Watson in
the series of films they did in
the 30's & 40's and I loved them all (even if I thought
Rathbone's Holmes was somewhat of a bully to Watson). There have been
plenty of actors who have played Holmes in the past 70 years, but
even I was quite pleased with director Guy Ritchie's updating of the
Sherlock Holmes mythology (it's probably the best film Ritchie has
ever done). Robert Downey Jr. plays Holmes as a two-fisted fighter
who sees his opponent's moves a few steps before his opponent does
and uses the experience for the money and the rush (he still likes
his liquid cocaine, too). Jude Law as Watson is pitch-perfect as his
companion who is about to get married (Holmes uses his bag of tricks
to try to dissolve the wedding, but he's got a great opponent in
Watson's intended, Mary, played by Kelly Reilly) and the chemistry
between Holmes and Watson couldn't be better. Since this is a Guy
Ritchie film, there are some great action set-pieces as well as some
really surprising emotional moments. This is one franchise I won't
mind continuing on for years to come. A sequel, SHERLOCK
HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS (2011), proved that Guy Ritchie's
first film wasn't a fluke (he also directed the sequel). This is the
new Sherlock Holmes for the new Millennium, even though it takes
place in a highly-fictionalized late 1800's London. Worth your time.
27)
THE
GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2011) - I find everything that
director David Fincher does very interesting (even if some of his
films are overlong) and I like this film, too. I like the 2009
Swedish TV Movie, also. Both are based on the first part of
trilogy of novels by late author Stieg Larsson (which I have never
read) and I feel if you watch both films, there really is no need to
read the book. I do believe that Daniel Craig is miscast in the
Fincher version (I can think of at least ten other actors who would
have been better, at least for not reminding some audience members
that they are watching the most recent James Bond on-screen), but it
is still a great adaptation of a best-selling novel. I know many
people who won't watch the Swedish original films (all three novels
have been adapted) because they hate reading subtitles, but they are
nothing but lazy slobs. As I write this, Fincher is in development to
film the second novel, "The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets'
Nest". Having already viewing the Swedish version, I can't wait
to see what Fincher does with it.
28)
THE
LONGEST YARD (2005) - As a general rule of thumb, I hate
most Adam Sandler movies. Hate 'em with a passion. But this remake of
the Burt Reynolds 1974 classic is
a pretty good comedy/action film and has the sense enough not to let
Sandler get all the good jokes. For one, Burt Reynolds also stars in
this one, but as the prisoners' football team's manager and Ed
Lauter, also from the original film, puts in an appearance. The
remake is full of big, brawny men, both on the guards' and prisoners'
sides, including WWE wrestlers and real-life ex-NFL football players
(including Brian Bosworth) and since it is a Sandler film, it seems
to get away with a lot more violence and foul language for a PG-13
film than the MPAA usually allows. The final football game is just as
good as the original's and will have you on the edge of your seat.
The remake was the second highest-grossing sports comedy of all time.
The highest-grossing? Sandler's THE WATERBOY
(1998), proving once again that there's no accounting for good taste!
29)
TOOLBOX
MURDERS (2003) - This Tobe Hooper-directed horror flick has
very little to do with the 1978 original
of the same name, except the killer uses tools to do his killings.
That is where the similarity ends. Both films then veer-off far from
each other. I actually like Tobe Hooper's version better, because it
keeps you guessing. The original was great when Cameron Mitchell was
killing the residents of his apartment complex with assorted power
tools, but as soon as he kidnapped the little girl, the film lost its
edge. For my review of the remake, click HERE.
30)
FLIGHT
OF THE PHOENIX (2004) - Faithful adaptation of the 1965
original starring James Stewart. A plane crashes in the desert
and the survivors must find a way to make a whole new plane out of
the parts of the wrecked plane. Dennis Quaid (taking the Stewart
role) and Giovanni Ribisi (taking the role originated by Hardy
Kruger) are quite good and there are scenes that will have you
gripping the sides of the couch. While some people may be wondering
why redo a film if you are going to do a scene-for-scene remake, show
them this movie. It just may change their minds. The acting is
generally good all around (including a pre-HOUSE
M.D. Hugh Laurie and a pre-SUPERNATURAL
Jared Padalecki), including turns by singers Tyrese Gibson and Sticky
Fingaz (who uses his real name "Kirk Jones" in the
credits). Not a bad action/human drama hybrid.
31)
ZATOICHI
(2003) - Zatoichi, The Blind Swordsman has been a part of the
Japanese filmic vernacular since the early 60's, churning-out 26
official films in the franchise and
over 100 TV episodes, but when Takeshi Kitano (a.k.a. "Beat
Takashi") decided to reboot the franchise with his own film of
the now-legendary figure (who he plays himself), he had everyone
worried that he was going to turn it into a non-stop gorefest (like
most of his films up to the time). Boy were they in for a surprise.
Kitano still had plenty of violence in this film, but it was highly
stylized and, horror of horrors, it contained a lot of comedy, much
of which worked perfectly within Kitano's screenplay. And he closes
the film with one of the best "What The Fuck?!?"
choreographed dance sequences in the history of Japanese film. I
remember watching the film for the first time a sitting there
slack-jawed as the dance sequence played, rewinding it several times
to make sure my brain was extrapolating what my eyes were seeing.
This is grand, sweeping entertainment and should be seen by anyone
who is a fan of the series.
32)
WALKING
TALL (2004) - Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has come a
long way as an actor since his days with the WWE (C'mon now, that's
all wrestling is: acting and strength, with the occasional bloody
accident) and I have no qualms with the 1973
original starring Joe Don Baker (a great actor, in my opinion)
as Sheriff Buford Pusser (which spawned two sequels, WALKING
TALL PART 2 - 1975 and FINAL
CHAPTER: WALKING TALL - 1977, both starring Bo Svenson as
Pusser), but Johnson (who does not play Pusser; this film has nothing
to do with Pusser's career) has a presence that just cannot be denied
and his brawl with blue-eyed, bad guy Neil McDonough is a corker.
Just make sure that you watch the DVD version of the film, as it
restores all the scenes edited out to get a theatrical PG-13 Rating
and it has an alternate ending (which I prefer, by the way). This is
just a fun action film with a good turn by Johnny Knoxville as
Johnson's best friend and eventual deputy, who likes his new job
maybe a little too much. The original spawned a 1978 TV Movie, A
REAL AMERICAN HERO, starring Brian Dennehy as Pusser and a
short-lived 1981 TV Series
starring Bo Svenson as Pusser (it lasted 7 episodes) and a couple
of 2007 pay cable films starring Kevin Sorbo (but not as as Pusser).
33)
MAN
ON FIRE (2004) - I really, really wanted to dislike this
overlong 142 minute remake (directed by the late Tony Scott) of the
92 minute 1987 original,
especially with the subtitles moving all over the screen and other
editing tricks (including draining the color out of the film so that
it looks like it was filmed through a gold lens), but damn if Denzel
Washington (replacing Scott Glenn in the original) didn't win me over
as an alcoholic bodyguard that will do anything to get back the
little girl (Dakota Fanning, in a great performance) who was
kidnapped by Mexican bad guys, even offering his life in exchange for
hers. He'll shoot, blow-up and generally do everything violent in his
playbook to get her back and we get to go along for the violent ride.
Like I said, at 142 minutes it's more than a little overlong (a Tony
Scott trait), but there's a lot of emotional scenes to go along with
the gunshots and explosions and we get the feeling that Washington
really cares for the little girl and she feels the same way about
him. Both the original and remake offer the same storyline and
I like the original a lot, but the remake has a core of emotion
usually not found in a Scott film (try keeping your eyes dry at the
finale). I know a lot of people will disagree with me, but that is
why we are all different.
34)
THE
ITALIAN JOB (2003) - This is not a remake per se of the 1969
original, but it still is a fun little crime caper that has one
thing in common with the original: A race of Mini Coopers through
underground tunnels, but that is where the similarities end. I like
the original (It has Benny Hill in a major role for Christ's sake and
that's worth a viewing from me anytime!) and I also like the
"remake" (even though Mark Wahlberg is no Michael Caine),
so grab both films, put your mind in neutral and just enjoy the
rides. The only thing that bothered me in the remake is that Seth
Green can do things with his laptop that are just plain not
physically or mechanically possible. Watch the film and you'll know
what I mean.
35)
THE
SHAFT (2001) - Director Dick Maas took his 1983 Dutch
horror/comedy THE LIFT and
Americanized it (The film stars Naomi Watts, James Marshall, Michael
Ironside, Ron Perlman, Dan Hedaya and Edward Herrmann, but the
majority of the remake was still made in the Netherlands made to look
like New York City, although exteriors were filmed in NYC). Both
films deal with elevators with minds of their own, decapitating and
killing the riders, but where the original was played mainly for
laughs, the remake is mostly deadly serious and it works. I'm a big
fan of Dick Maas (try watching AMSTERDAMNED
[1988] and DO NOT DISTURB
[1999] and see if you agree with me) because he has a style that's
completely his own. Both the original and remake are worth you
hard-earned free time.
36)
INSOMNIA
(2002) - Is director Christopher Nolan capable of making a bad film?
In this remake of the 1997
Norwegian/Swedish film directed by Erik Skjoldbjærg, Al
Pacino (in a role originated by Stellan Skarsgård) plays a
troubled cop sent to Alaska to investigate a murder during a time
when there is nothing but sunlight 24 hours a day. He suffers from
the title malady not just because of the constant light, but because
he is covering-up his accidental shooting death of another cop. He is
blackmailed by a psychopath (excellently played by Robin Williams)
who knows his secret and is also under suspicion by his new partner,
played by Hilary Swank (also excellent). This is a really tense film
and a perfect companion to the original. This is Pacino's best role
in years (you can actually see the tiredness in his eyes, not just
about the insomnia, but the fact that his covering-up the accidental
cop homicide is eating away at his conscience) and the late Robin
Williams really impresses as a sociopath who pulls Pacino's strings
like a master puppeteer. If you haven't seen it, what are you waiting for?
37)
THE
THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR (1999) - Fun remake of the Steve
McQueen/Faye Dunaway (she has a part in the remake as a psychiatrist) 1968
bank heist caper (in the remake, it's an art heist) with Pierce
Brosnan and Rene Russo taking the McQueen/Dunaway roles and doing a
very good job with them. They definitely have on-screen chemistry and
the screenplay has enough twists and turns to keep you entertained
for 113 minutes. You could do a lot worse than watching this remake.
38)
THE BOX (2009) - I know I'm in the
minority on this one, but I found director's Richard Kelly's version
of writer's Richard Matheson's story "Button, Button"
(first filmed as an episode of the 1980's version of THE
TWILIGHT ZONE [1985 - 1989]) a fascinating and complex theme
on greed and the human condition. If it's subtext and symbolism that
you like, you can do no better than this film (I like it better than
Kelly's richly symbolic DONNIE DARKO
- 2001). A badly facially-scarred Frank Langella (an excellent
make-up job), the unlucky subject of a lightning strike (which
carried an alien presence that entered his body), comes to the house
of married couple Cameron Diaz (who has a malformed foot) and NASA
employee James Marsden and puts a box with a huge red button on their
table. He tells the couple that if they press the button, they will
receive one million dollars tax-free, but someone they don't know
will die if they press the button. The lure of one million dollars is
too much to endure, so they press the button. What happens next is
best left for the viewers to discover, but it is not an easy film to
comprehend, because it is full of deep symbolism and hidden subtext.
That's OK with me, because Kelly is a director who has no equal today
(he even out-Lynches David Lynch) and I admire that he makes films
that actually make you think (I even enjoyed his highly-panned SOUTHLAND
TALES - 2006). This film did absolutely no business at the
boxoffice and was mostly torn to shreds by critics, but people with a
taste for the unique will do no better than this film. I know I said
at the beginning of this list that I was going to keep TV remakes off
my "best of" list, but this film is really much more than
the TZ episode (Which originally aired March 7, 1986).
39)
THE
WOLFMAN (2010) - Let's get one thing straight: The original THE
WOLF MAN (1941) is a classic and it contains some great
creepy sequences. This remake of that film (lensed in 2008, but not
released theatrically until 2010, which set the rumor mill abuzz that
the film was a stinker) is actually quite good and is just creepy and
atmospheric enough to merit a few viewings (The DVD release contains
both the Unrated 119-minute Director's cut [recommended; and it opens
with the Universal black & white logo used in the 1941 version,
which was a nice touch and also contains a cameo by Max Von Sydow,
who gives Lawrence Talbot an important item while on a train ride]
and the 109 minute R-Rated theatrical cut [which contains none of the
stuff I just mentioned]). The werewolf makeup effects, by Rick Baker
(who won an Academy Award), are excellent, but time restraints made
them use CGI for the actual transformation scenes (never a good
thing, but I can live with it in this film). The acting is excellent
all around (even the usually mumbling Benicio Del Toro as Lawrence
Talbot is great) and the gore is quite violent for a film from a
major studio. Rent the DVD and watch the Director's Cut. You may be
pleased that you did.
40)
THE
KILLER INSIDE ME (2010) - Based on the same Jim Thompson
novel as the 1976 film
directed by Burt Kennedy and starring Stacy Keach and the late Susan
Tyrrell, this remake is probably one of the best noir thrillers of
the new Millennium. This new film, starring the under-rated Casey
Affleck (the brother of Ben Affleck and star of Ben's excellent GONE
BABY GONE - 2007), Kate Hudson and Jessica Alba is about as
shadowy as you can get and still make out the action. Director
Michael Winterbottom and screenwriter John Curran have fashioned a
film that is faithful to Thompson's novel (which I have read) and
still made a film that they can call all their own. The filmmakers
nailed certain scenes from the book, something that is very hard to
do with Jim Thompson novels. This film did very little business in
theaters, so buy or rent the DVD and enjoy the dark, dark ride.
41)
13
(2010) - French director Géla Babluani took his black &
white classic award-winning thriller 13
TZAMETI (2005) and Americanized it, this time filming it in
color. Surprisingly, it holds up very well when compared to the
original and stars such well-known actors as Jason Statham, Curtis
'50 Cent' Jackson (who really needs an acting coach), Mickey Rourke,
Ray Winstone, Alexander Skarsgård, Chuck Zito, David Zayas
(Showtime's DEXTER) and a
nearly unrecognizable Ben Gazzara (in one of his last film roles).
The story is very simple: A young man (Sam Riley) with money
troubles, steals the identity of a dead man and enters himself in
some unknown contest where the winner will receive nearly two million
dollars. What he doesn't realize is that he has just entered a
contest of life and death (he is assigned the number 13), where the
master of ceremonies (a chilling Michael Shannon of BOARDWALK
EMPIRE) picks people to play a bastardized version of
Russian Roulette (I won't spoil the game for people who haven't seen
the film). There are important flashbacks which fill in the blanks of
the other contestants' lives (particularly telling is what Jason
Statham does with his brother), as we find out that this is financed
by a bunch of bored rich people who watch the action from above. Who
will be the winner? I'm afraid you will have to watch the film to
find out. One warning: This film is not for the squeamish or for
those who easily get queasy, but it is worth the time of everyone
else who enjoys a good thriller.
42)
CONTRABAND
(2012) - I'm not the biggest fan of Mark Wahlberg the actor (although
his producing credits are impeccable and his chemistry with Will
Ferrell in THE OTHER GUYS
[2010] is laugh-out-loud funny, especially their exchange about lions
and tuna), but this remake of the 2008 Icelandic film REYKJAVIK
ROTTERDAM ("Reykjavik To Rotterdam") is one
of Wahlberg's best roles and one of the best action films of early
2012. Retired smuggler Chris Farraday (Wahlberg) gets back into
the business of scoring millions of dollars in counterfeit bills, as
he heads to Panama to save his brother's life. The action comes fast
and furious and Wahlberg is capably helped by the presence of Ben
Foster, Giovonni Ribisi, Kate Beckinsale, Lucas Haas and a great
stunt team. Give this one a look the next time you are on Netflix or
just buy the DVD. Action films aren't dead and this film proves it.
This film almost makes me forgive Wahlberg for starring in that
terrible PLANET OF THE APES
(2001) remake. Almost.
43)
MIGHTY
JOE YOUNG (1998) - Fun, playful adaptation of the 1949
original, which concerns a giant ape named Mighty Joe Young (Ray
Harryhausen did the majority of stop-motion effects in the original,
not Willis O'Brien; Rick Baker did the ape makeup in the remake,
which was a combination of forced-perspective shots, model work and
CGI) and his capture from Africa and trip to Los Angeles. A lot of
people compare the 1949 film to the original KING
KONG (1933), but this film and the remake are much more
humanistic fantasies, as Joe is never really a threat to anyone in
both the original and Disney remake. We see that Joe is a big softee
at heart when he saves a bunch of orphans in a burning building in
the original (the only sequence filmed in sepiatone color) and saves
a bunch of people from a burning ferris wheel in L.A. in the remake.
The monsters in both films are humans who want to kill Joe and mount
his head on a wall. Both Bill Paxton (who plays "Gregg
O'Hara", a combination of Ben Johnson and Robert Armstrong's
names in the original) and Charlize Theron (as Joe's
"sister", who grew up with him in Africa) are fine in the
remake, but the real star are the excellent special effects. It was
also nice to see Ray Harryhausen and original star Terry Moore have a
funny cameo in the remake. I'd make Joe my friend any day and so
would you. This is one remake that doesn't shit on the original. It
follows the first film closely, except for a few minor things here
and there. Give it a try. If you have kids, they will love it. But
aren't we all kids at heart?
44)
THE
JACKAL (1997) - Terrific updating of the 1973 film THE
DAY OF THE JACKAL, both based on a novel by Frederick
Forsyth (who for some reason or another demanded his name be taken
off the remake). The original had Edward Fox as The Jackal, a hired
assassin whose next job was to kill the then-President of France,
Charles De Gaulle. In the remake, Bruce Willis is The Jackal, one of
the best assassins in the world and a master of disguise. He's so
good, in fact, that no one has ever seen his face except for Richard
Gere, who is in prison for being an Irish terrorist (if there is one
fault to this remake, it's Gere's Irish accent, which comes and
goes). FBI Deputy Sidney Poitier releases Gere from prison with the
promise of a pardon (which Gere knows is a false promise) if he
identifies and stops The Jackal, who is now in the United States to
assassinate the First Lady (Tess Harper) and the FBI Director. It's a
wildly entertaining film, with Willis donning many disguises (he even
plays a gay man) and the chemistry between Gere and Poitier cannot be
denied. Besides, if you ever wanted to see Jack Black get one of his
arms blown off and then cut down in pieces with a special weapon that
he has built for The Jackal, then this is the film for you. It's a
little long at over two hours, but you'll never be bored. The scene
where Willis takes on a houseful of FBI agents (and a
facially-scarred Russian agent, perfectly played by Diane Venora)
should be considered a classic of suspense (and it's sad as hell).
Look for an early performance by Daniel Dae Kim (LOST
[2004 - 2010]; HAWAII FIVE-O
[2011 - ?]) as Akashi, an FBI sniper who plays an important role
towards the finale.
45)
THE
HILLS HAVE EYES (2006) - I've been sitting on the fence
about where to put this remake of director Wes Craven's 1977
original since I began the best/worst lists. After watching the
Unrated DVD of the remake again (directed by Alexandre Aja; HAUTE
(HIGH) TENSION - 2003, MIRRORS
- 2008; PIRANHA 3D - 2010), I
decided to give it a positive review. It's a lot more suspenseful
than I remember when I saw it originally and there are some just
plain weird sequences in this film that send chills down your spine.
The makeup effects are above average (although it is plain to see
that CGI was used in some of the sequences to "juice-up"
the practical effects) and the mutant family is a sight to behold.
There's also no denying that the remake's sequel, THE
HILLS HAVE EYES II (2007; directed by Martin Weisz; GRIMM
LOVE - 2006) is miles better than Craven's sequel to his
orginal, THE HILLS HAVE EYES
PART II (1984), even if the screenplay to the remake's sequel
is credited to Wes Craven and son Jonathan Craven. At least there are
no dog flashbacks!
46)
NIGHTWATCH
(1997) - Director Ole Bornedal took his 1994
Danish film of the same name (a.k.a. NATTEVAGTEN)
and turned it into an above-average Americanized mystery with bloody
trappings. Medical student Ewan McGregor take a job as a watchman at
a morgue, where a series of necrophelia incidents have happened over
the years (only to young female corpses). Cop Nick Nolte starts to
implicate Ewan in the disgusting attacks, but Ewan does some
investigation of his own and discovers something that will put the
his life, as well as the life of best friend Josh Brolin and
girlfriend Patricia Arquette in deadly trouble. Look for John C.
Reilly as a detective in an uncredited scene. A good little
time-waster with some really atmospheric and chilling scenes. Be
aware that Executive Producers Bob & Harvey Weinstein cut nearly
50 minutes from the film (it originally ran slightly over 150
minutes) that deletes a whole wedding sub-plot. In other words,
typical Weinstein tampering. It really doesn't hurt the film, though,
but it sure would be nice to see the film as it was originally shot.
47)
CAPTAIN
AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER (2011) - Absolutely entertaining
super hero flick (probably the best of 2011). Chris Evans makes a
perfect Steve Rogers, a.k.a. Captain America, and the screenplay by
Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely makes sure that you are
cheering in your seats and rooting for good old Captain America. This
is probably director Joe Johnston's (THE
WOLFMAN - 2010) best film and will immediately make you
forget the terrible 1990 film
directed by the Master of Bad, Albert Pyun, where Matt Salinger
played the Captain and the two TV Movies, CAPTAIN
AMERICA (1978) and CAPTAIN
AMERICA II (1979), both starring Reb Brown as the Captain.
Chris Evans would return as Captain America in 2012's THE
AVENGERS, an ensemble super hero flick that, in my
opinion, is the best action film of the year. I typically don't
like films based on comic books (or, excuse me "graphic
novels"), but this remake has all the right ingredients to keep
you entertained and wanting more. Expect more in the near future. To
read my review of the Albert Pyun disaster, click HERE.
48)
DR.
JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE (2002) - Here's a recent version of
Robert Louis Stevenson's novel that is actually more faithful than
the dozens of films based on the same novel, including the silent
1920 version starring John Barrymore, the 1931
version starring Fredric March, the 1941
version starring Spencer Tracy, Hammer Films' THE
TWO FACES OF DR. JEKYLL (1960), THE
STRANGE CASE OF DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE (1968) starring Jack
Palance and various bastardizations of the story, such as ABBOTT
AND COSTELLO MEET DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE (1953), DAUGHTER
OF DR. JEKYLL (1957), Paul Naschy in DR.
JEKYLL AND THE WOLFMAN (1971; Read review HERE),
THE JEKYLL AND HYDE PORTFOLIO
(1971; Read review HERE),
Christopher Lee in Amicus Films' I, MONSTER
(1971), Hammer Films' DR.
JEKYLL AND SISTER HYDE (1971), director Andy Milligan's THE
MAN WITH TWO HEADS (1972), the blaxploitation DR.
BLACK MR HYDE (1975; Read review HERE),
DR. JEKYLL'S
DUNGEON OF DEATH (1979; Read review HERE),
Oliver Reed in DR. HECKYL
AND MR. HYPE (1980), the extremely bad drug comedy JEKYLL
& HYDE...TOGETHER AGAIN (1982), Anthony Perkins in EDGE
OF SANITY (1988), the terrible DR.
JEKYLL AND MS. HYDE (1995), the vastly underrated MARY
REILLY (1996), Tony Todd in the laughable (not intentionally
so) THE
STRANGE CASE OF DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE (2006), even a
softcore version, THE
ADULT VERSION OF JEKYLL AND HIDE (1972; Read review HERE),
a porn version, THE EROTIC
DR. JEKYLL (1976), and literally a dozen or so TV
versions. What makes this 2002 remake so inviting? Well, for
starters, the Jekyll/Hyde character is almost a secondary character,
just like in the original novel. It was more like a Sherlock Holmes
mystery, with Dr. Jekyll's best friend Utterson investigating a
series of murders in 1900 London (the film takes place about twenty
years later than the novel) and leads him to the mysterious Edward
Hyde. The film is based on Mark Redfield's (who wrote/directed and
plays Jekyll/Hyde, with some very cool transformation scenes) 1990
theatrical play and it does show its theatrical roots every now and
then (along with its meager budget), but it is also very entertaining
and very well acted by a cast of stage pros. The even better news is
that the DVD can be picked-up for $5.99 (or less) from Oldies.Com.
It's not overly bloody, but here's a chance to see a film that about
as close to the original novel as you are probably going to get. Pick
it up!
49)
THE
DEPARTED (2006) - This Martin Scorsese-directed thriller won
four Academy Awards (Scorsese for Best Director; Best Picture Of The
Year; Best Editing (Thelma Schoonmaker, who has edited all of
Scorsese's films since RAGING BULL
- 1980); and Best Adapted Screenplay (William Monahan). Mark Wahlberg
was nominated for Best Supporting Actor, but lost.) and rightfully
so, but few viewers who sat there enthralled while watching the film
were aware that it is actually a remake of all three Hong Kong INFERNAL
AFFAIRS films (2002 - 2003), which are just as good (if not
better; especially the first film of the trio, all directed by the
team of Andrew Law & Alan Mak) as the Scorsese film. I'm not
taking anything away from Scorsese here; he deserved all the
accolades he got from this film, but I wish people adverse to
subtitles would wise-up and watch the three Hong Kong films. They are
that good. Until that happens, we always have the Scorsese film to
fall back on and it's a corker. The casting is pitch-perfect
(although Jack Nicholson seems to be getting stale as of late) and
the story will have you glued to your seat until the satisfying
conclusion. This is another one of those occasions of not being able
to decide which version I think is best, so I'll just say watch them all.
50)
THE
MUMMY (1999) - Director Stephen Sommers' successful reboot
of the Universal Studios famous monster, only this time it is played
more like a RAIDERS OF
THE LOST ARK (1981) adventure film than a straight-out horror
film, like the Boris Karloff 1932 original,
a series of four
Mummy films in the 1940's and ending up with the final Universal
Mummy film, ABBOTT
AND COSTELLO MEET THE MUMMY (1955; which was also the end of
Abbott and Costello's partnership with Universal). Hammer Films then
took up the mantle with a 1959 remake
and three other mummy films, ending with BLOOD
FROM THE MUMMY'S TOMB (1971). There were various bad mummy
films made since then (see my LEGEND
OF THE MUMMY [1998] review in the Worst Remake list), but it
took this 1999 reboot to make the Mummy popular again. Followed by
two equally successful sequels, THE
MUMMY RETURNS (2001; my favorite of the trio) and THE
MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR (2008; directed by Rob
Cohen). Hell, it is head and shoulders above the 2017 Tom Cruise turd
and CGI-fest THE MUMMY.
51)
THE
PLEDGE (2001) - Everyone knows that Sean Penn is a terrific
actor when given the right material (look at his performance in MYSTIC
RIVER - 2003), but not a lot of people know that he's even a
better director. If you want to experience Penn as a director, look
no further than this film, a remake of a 1958 German/Italian
co-production titled IT
HAPPENED IN BROAD DAYLIGHT (both films based on the book
"Es Geschah Am Hellichten Tag" by Friedrich
Dürrenmatt). In this film, weary retiring chief of detectives
Jerry Black (Jack Nicholson, in one of his best performances of the
new Millennium) makes a promise (the "pledge" of the title)
to the mother of a murdered girl that he will find the killer. Even
after he retires, he continues his hunt for the killer (all the other
cops think he is too old and out of his mind) and even makes friends
with another mother who has a young daughter (Jerry and the daughter
become fast friends). When the killer is supposedly caught, Jerry
believes they have the wrong man and he does something very stupid:
He uses the young daughter he has befriended as bait for the real
killer. To tell any more would be a crime unto itself, except to say
it ends like some Greek tragedy. The film is deliberately
slowly-paced, so don't go into it looking for your usual slam-bang
thriller. This is a cerebral thriller, one in which you have to use
your brians as well as your eyes, but the payoff is worth it.
52)
THE
EXPERIMENT (2010) - This remake of the German film DAS
EXPERIMENT (2001) is a great exploration of the human
condition (so is the original film, so don't ask me which one I like
better). Based on a real-life scientific psychological test called
"The Stanford Experiment", it is the story of 24
"everyday" people who volunteer to participate in a two
week experiment where everyone is put in a prison and 8 of the people
are assigned as "guards" and the other 16 are assigned as
the "prisoners". It is not long before the
"guards" start abusing the "prisoners" and the
"prisoners" begin becoming just as violent, not just
against the guards, but also amongst themselves. The results are
frightening and the real-life scientific experiment was stopped early
and was never performed again because it was considered too inhumane
to everyone involved. People with normal, everyday jobs were turned
into violent, nearly soulless tormentors because they were either put
in a position of authority or stuck in a cell and treated like
animals. It just shows that every one of us is capable of violence if
put in a position such as these people were. The real-life Stanford
Experiment involved college-aged volunteers, but both films use
adults as the guards and prisoners. Both of these films are excellent
examples why prison is not the answer for most minor crimes
(especially drug abusers). All it does is make the
"criminal" a worse person than he/she already is. Watch
both films to see what I mean. They take certain liberties with the
results of the real experiment (although some of the incidents on
screen actually happened, especially the fire extinguisher sequence),
but there is no denying the results. Powerful stuff and something to
chew on. The remake was supposed to be released to theaters, but went
directly to DVD, VOD and pay cable instead, probably because it was
considered too "intellectual" for normal audiences, even
though it contained such bankable stars as Adrien Brody and Forest
Whitaker (both Academy Award winners). I think it's about time
Hollywood gives the audience a little more credit than they do. We
are not all morons.
53)
THE
TALENTED MR. RIPLEY (1999) - Twisty, turny comedy thriller
where nothing is ever what it seems. Based on the Patricia Highsmith
novel of the same name, the same book the French film PURPLE
NOON (1960), directed by René Clément, was
based on. For those of you who hate reading English subtitles (shame
on you, because the French film is really good!), this remake is the
way to go. It always takes a left turn when you think it is going to
take a right turn and actors Matt Damon (as the master of disguise
without disguises, Tom Ripley), Gwyneth Paltrow, Jude Law (who is
simply magnificent), Cate Blanchett and Philip Seymour Hoffman are
above reproach. The remake inspired two sequels with different actors
taking the role of Tom Ripley (John Malkovich for the second and
Barry Pepper for the third, which is right on target if you've ever
read the Highsmith novels). In the mood for a good thriller that will
keep you guessing? You can do a whole lot worse than renting or
buying this film.
54)
SLEEPY
HOLLOW (1999) - This is the last great film directed by Tim
Burton until FRANKENWEENIE
(2012). Based loosely on author Washington Irving's classic story, THE
LEGEND OF SLEEPY HOLLOW (Made as a 1979
TV Movie starring Jeff Goldblum and a 1999
TV Movie starring Brent Carver, among other
adaptations over the decades, including a 1949
Walt Disney animated short), this reimagining of the story finds
detective Ichabod Crane (Johnny Depp, who else?) traveling to the
town of Sleepy Hollow to investigate a series of murders supposedly
caused by a headless horseman. Detective Crane uses forensics
evidence (unheard of at the time) to solve the case, but will he be
able to save new love Katrina (Christina Ricci, who has the biggest
forehead of any woman I have ever seen)? This is a fun, atmospheric
period film that should please both the eyes and the ears. Too bad
that director Tim Burton continued to use Johnny Depp in the majority
of his films after this one. Depp is not a bad actor; Burton just put
him in roles that didn't suit him, unlike directors Roman Polanski (THE
NINTH GATE - 1999) and the Hughes Brothers (FROM
HELL - 2001).
55) THE
ECHO (2008) - Filipino director Yam Laranas decided that his
first American film would be the remake of his 2004 horror hit SIGAW
(a.k.a. THE ECHO) and it was a
wise decision. Jesse Bradford stars as Bobby, an ex-con just out of
prison who must stay in his dead mother's apartment as part of his
parole. This apartment building is the picture of "run
down", with holes in the ceiling and walls and many apartments
empty. It seems the only people living on Bobby's floor are a cop and
his family and a strange man named Joseph (the always welcome Pruitt
Taylor Vince [and his darting eyes]). Bobby begins to hear strange
noises and sees the cop (Kevin Durand) beat his wife constantly,
sometimes using his billy club to do the deed. When Bobby reports the
abuse to the police, they not only disbelieve him because he's an
ex-con on parole, but when they search the cop's apartment, it's
empty and looks like it hasn't been lived in for years. When the
cop's little daughter asks Bobby for help, it leads to a situation
best left for the viewer to discover. Let's just say that Bobby
begins to think that his mother did not die of natural causes. Creepy
to the extreme, this film will satisfy most people who love ghost stories.
56)
SILENT NIGHT
(2012) - This remake of SILENT
NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT (1984) is a good old-fashioned gore film,
the kind that use to get made in the 80's. Foregoing CGI for
practical effects (always a good thing), this film finds someone in a
Santa Claus suit murdering people in very graphic ways. Police Chief
Malcolm McDowell and Deputy Jaime King (who has some emotional
issues, like freezing-up when she has her weapon drawn) are
investigating the killings. Do they have something to do with an
occurance that happened in the King family's past? I won't tell, but
there is much to admire here; from the opening electrocution of
Brendan Fehr; graphic stabbings; a scythe-like object planted in a
soft-porn photographer's crotch; a topless girl running away from the
killer, only to have one of her legs cut off with an axe and then
having her whole body (including the amputated leg) graphically fed
to a woodchipper; a bullet to the head; a young, snotty girl getting
shocked with a cattle prod and then being run through with a skewer
and other gory mayhem. There's also a reproduction of Linnea
Quigley's death by antlers in this film, only this time the girl
isn't topless (there's plenty of nudity in the film, though). Her
boyfriend has his head cleaved in two with an axe. The ending is a
little pat, but it does manage to answer some very important
questions, as well as leaving the film wide-open for a sequel.
Director Steven C. Miller (AUTOMATON
TRANSFUSION - 2006; SCREAM
OF THE BANSHEE - 2011; UNDER
THE BED - 2013) has made a film that is respectful to the
original and may just pass it as a better film. I loved it. Besides,
any film that takes the time to make fun of GLEE,
Tim Tebow and pay homage to the "Garbage Day" sequence in
the original's Part 2,
can't be all bad.
57)
EVIL DEAD (2013) - I have to
admit that I went into viewing this film with a lot of trepidation
(even though both Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell are listed as
Producers), but I am glad to say that my worries were for nothing.
This is more of a reimagining than a remake, although there are many
similarities, but most of them are cosmetic. Four friends go to a
cabin in the woods to help friend Mia (Jane Levy) kick her drug
habit. Her brother David (Shiloh Fernandez) is part of that group and
brother and sister have been having issues since the suicide of their
mother a year earlier. Mia complains of a smell in the cabin (which
belongs to her and David's family) but, at first, they all just think
it is in Mia's mind because she is going through withdrawal. The
family dog, named "Grandpa", uncovers the hidden door in
the floor that leads to the basement, where David and Eric (Lou
Taylor Pucci) discover a bunch of dead cats hanging from the ceiling
and the dreaded Book Of The Dead (we witness a horrible thing happen
in the basement in the film's prologue). When Eric recites a passage
from the book, an evil spirit takes over Mia's body and, from that
point on, it's a non-stop ride of death, dismemberment and things
that could be considered worse than death. Needless to say, if you
were expecting things to go the same way they did in the original EVIL
DEAD (1983), you would be wrong. I won't spoil what happens
through the rest of the film, except to say that it pushes way past
its R-Rating (it's amazing what the MPAA allows now than what it did
in 1983, when the original had to be released without a rating, but
comparing it to this 2013 remake, it would look like a PG-13 film
today). The gore and blood literally flies off the screen and the
audio helps tremendously to immerse you in the experience.
Director/co-screenwriter Fede Alvarez, in his first full-length
feature (he directed a few shorts before this), hits the ball out of
the park, making this film a memorable, bloody experience you won't
soon forget. The special effects, by Jason Durey and his crew, are
top-notch, but not for the faint of heart (especially Mia's
possession, which is a sort of tribute to the tree rape in the first
film). Make sure you stay through the end credits for a small,
welcome tribute to the first film. Expect a sequel to follow, since
it made more than triple its 17 million dollar budget in U.S.
theaters alone. My highest recommendation!
58)
MANIAC (2012) - I'm probably going
to get a lot of angry emails about this, but I was never a fan of
director William Lustig's unrated 1980 original,
except for some bloody gore (the always-memorable "head
blown-off with a shotgun blast through a car's windshield") and
a sweaty performance by the late Joe Spinell as photographer Frank
Zito. When I heard that Elijah Wood would be playing Spinell's part
in the remake, all I could do was shake my head and wonder what
director Franck Khalfoun (P2 - 2007)
was smoking (William Lustig is one of this film's many Producers).
You know what? Wood is good as Frank and the film is told almost
entirely from his perspective, making it a somewhat original take
(screenplay by Alexandre Aja and Grégory Levasseur) on what it
is like to be in the head of a psychopathic serial killer. There is
plenty of unrated gore and nudity (which got the film banned in some
countries, such as New Zealand, because, God forbid that you mix both
sex and violence in a horror film today) and the film moves at a much
quicker pace than the original. MANIAC
is not perfect, but I do like it more than the original. So sue me.
59)
THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN
(2014) - Besides seeing the Orion Pictures logo on a film for the
first time since 1996 (it will be used for limited theatrical and VOD
releases), this film is more of a crazy mash-up of the first 1976
film of the same name than an actual remake. It's 63 years after
the real-life murders by "The Phantom" have gone unsolved
in the town of Texarkana. Every year since 1976, the town has a
Halloween drive-in showing of the original film and this year Jami
(Addison Timlin) and her boyfriend Corey (Spencer Treat Clark) decide
to ditch the showing for a little sexual fun in the woods, but they
are attacked by someone dressed as The Phantom and Corey is killed.
Jami escapes and, with the help of her grandmother Lillian (Veronica
Cartwright), try to decide if history is repeating itself (Lillian
lived through the original murder spree) or if something more
sinister is going on. I will not spoil it for viewers, except to say
that this film is more of a gory slasher film than the original, but
there is some great intercutting between the original film and the
new film during some of the murders. Director Alfonso Gomez-Rejon
(who, at the time of this writing, has directed 12 episodes of TV's AMERICAN
HORROR STORY) infuses the film with a sense of fun as well
as some intense kills and it may want younger viewers to search out a
copy of the original film, directed by the late Charles B. Pierce
(who can be seen in footage from the original film here). It
shouldn't be too hard to find, since Scream
Factory released a nice Blu-Ray
of it that also contains a DVD of Pierce's follow-up period film THE
EVICTORS (1979). That right there is a good thing, but the
new film itself is entertaining in its own right. I would advise
viewers that have never seen the original to watch it first before
seeing this film to get the full effect. Nice to have a new film this
entertaining not pander to the original film. This is also one of the
last films of excellent character actor Ed Lauter and also stars
Anthony Anderson, Gary Cole, Joshua Leonard, Edward Herrmann and
Denis O'Hare as Charles B. Pierce Jr. You can read my full review of
the remake/reboot HERE.
60)
PATRICK (2013) - While this
Australian remake of their own 1978 film
(which was edited in order to receive a PG Rating when released to
the U.S. theaters in 1979) follows the original's very closely, it
has been updated to reflect the new technological age and has upped
the gore quotient substantially. The plot is very much the same: a
young woman named Kathy (Sharni Vinson; YOU'RE
NEXT - 2011) takes a job in a small Australian coastal town
as a nurse to the comatose in an ex-convent-turned-hospital, run the
the seemingly sinister Dr. Roget (Charles Dance; he played "Tywin
Lannister" on HBO's GAME
OF THRONES until his memorable death at the end of Season 4
in 2014) and his no-nonsense head nurse daughter, Matron Cassidy (an
unrecognizable Rachel Griffiths; HBO's SIX
FEET UNDER - 2001-2005). Kathy is shown the ropes by fellow
Nurse Williams (Peta Sergeant; TV's short-lived ONCE
UPON A TIME IN WONDERLAND - 2013-2014), who introduces her
to their comatose patients, including the open-eyed Patrick (Jackson
Gallagher), who is kept in his own room and is frequently injected
with Dr. Roget's unknown serum (he is basically Dr. Roget's guinea
pig). Patrick spits in Kathy's face and is told by Nurse Williams
that this is an involuntary reflex, but Kathy seems to think that
Patrick is trying to communicate with her (he is). Patrick has the
ability to make people do what he wants with his telekinetic powers
and he sets his sights on "protecting" Kathy, at first
communicating with her by spitting (one spit for yes, two spits for
no) and then having control of a computer's keyboard, typing out that
he is looking out for Kathy's best interests. Patrick will only show
Kathy that he is able to communicate and when she tries to show Dr.
Roget that Patrick is not comatose, he does nothing to respond.
Things turn deadly when anyone shows an interest in Kathy, including
her ex-boyfriend Ed (Damon Gameau), who is forced by Patrick's mind
control to put both his hands on a George Foreman grill (!), burning
both his hands until the flesh melts off and then killing
psychiatrist/new boyfriend Brian (Martin Crewes; RESIDENT
EVIL - 2002) by taking over his car and driving him over a
cliff (but first he takes control of Brian's body and spits in
Karen's face, showing her the powers he has). For patient viewers
(this film does move at a leisurely pace), the final 25 minutes will
be an edge-of-the-seat thriller, complete with gory deaths (including
a graphic electrocution followed by eyeball-popping), as the real
reason why Patrick is in a coma is revealed (it's the same reason as
the first film, only much more graphic and nudity-filled) and Kathy
realizes that Patrick is not so innocent as he makes himself out to
be. A running joke about a horribly burned patient named Morris (Rod
Mullinar), who is trained by Dr. Roget to turn on the lighthouse at
exactly 7:00AM every morning, actually plays an important part in the
finale. Documentary filmaker Mark Hartley (NOT
QUITE HOLLYWOOD: THE WILD, UNTOLD STORY OF OZPLOITATION! -
2008; MACHETE MAIDENS UNLEASHED!
- 2010; both highly recommended) directs his first feature film and
sprinkles it with homages to late director Richard Franklin's
original (which was written by Australian master screenwriter Everett
De Roche; the remake was written by newcomer Justin King), including
Charles Dance listening to Brian May's original music from the 1978
film in his headphones (the soundtrack music was replaced by a Goblin
score in Europe; Dario Argeno scorer Pino Donnagio does the music in
the remake) and having Ed's last name as Penhaligon, a tribute to
Susan Penhaligon, who played Kathy in the original film. Antony I.
Ginnane produced both the original and the remake. The original did
inspire an unrelated 1980 Italian film, PATRICK
STILL LIVES ("Patrick Vive Ancora") and
this remake does end with the words "Patrick Vive", which
means that it is left open for a possible real sequel in the future.
Worth a look for those that were fond of Australia's Golden Age Of
Horror, which ran from the mid-70's to the mid-80's. This is a really
good film that evokes that time period and has a real gothic feel,
while not making it seem dated. I enjoyed it and so should you. Also
known as PATRICK: EVIL AWAKENS.
61)
THE BEGUILED (2017) - I always
loved master director Don Siegel's 1971 film
starring Clint Eastwood because it dripped in gothic atmosphere and,
at the time, it was the most unusual film Eastwood ever starred in
(to show you how old I am, I saw it in a theater and people were
complaining that this wasn't a normal Eastwood film; some even walked
out!), but director Sofia Coppola, who had indeed inherited her
father's genes (some may say she surpassed them), has turned out a
really excellent reboot of the original with a few twists (Coppola
has said this is not a remake of the original film, but a adaptation
of the Thomas Cullinan novel). Unlike the original, this take place
in Virginia (the first film took place in Mississippi, even though
both films were made in Louisiana) and star Colin Farrell (who was
born the same year the original film was released) has never been
better. Just like the first film, Farrell plays a wounded Union
deserter, Corporal John McBurney, who stumbles across a secluded
girls school and they keep him as a prisoner. At first, he doesn't
know he is a prisoner and the Matriach, Miss Martha (Nicole Kidman,
who is excellent as a repressed woman discovering her sexuality),
doesn't approve of him being there because she fears that he will
undo all the girls' teachings on how to be a proper lady. Farrell
plays the role quite differently than Eastwood, which makes this film
quite a different watch than the original. He is trickster, master
manipulator and seducer, as he makes the girls feel uneasy (portrayed
by Elle Fanning, Kirsten Dunst and others; all very good) and they
begin to blossom as women. They end up back-stabbing their friends in
order to be close to John. Not giving away the ending, it is a
wonderful film to watch , as cinematographer Philippe Le Sourdgives
this film a sumptuous look. You will feel that you are actually in
the time period. Excellently acted by everyone involved, this is one
film you should not turn your back on. Coppola inserts crafty
feminist touches to the film that you will only realize long after
the film is over. Highly recommended, but it bombed at the boxoffice,
even though Sofia Coppola won Best Director at the 2017 Cannes Film
Festival. Discover it for yourself.
62)
ROGER CORMAN'S
DEATH RACE 2050 (2016) - This is Corman's entertaining
remake of his 1975 classic,
only updated to express what is going on in society today. It has a
lot to say about our country, even within it's low-budget sci-fi's
trappings. To see my review, click HERE.
63) DEATH
WISH (2018) - First let me get this off my chest: For all
you Eli Roth haters out there, let me say this to you: FUCK YOU!!! I
am sick of hearing you haters say "I heard this sucked" or
"It sucks balls", because it only shows how immature you
actually are. Hearing it sucks just shows you didn't even bother to
watch it and have no desire to. Saying that it sucks balls only
proves to me that you are nothing by a childish dweeb who refuses to
actually say what you really think. I doubt you know how. With that
off my chest, let's get down to the film. I don't think Bruce Willis
was the best choice to play Paul Kersey (Liam Neeson would have been
better), but I have to say it looks like Willis is having a good time
here, something we haven't seen from him in a long, long time and
it's refreshing. In this film Paul Kersey is a trauma surgeon in an
emergency room hospital and while he is working, his wife Lucy
(Elisabeth Shue) and daughter Jordan (Camila Morrone) are attacked in
their home by three scumbags in search of money. Lucy is shot and
killed and Jordan is put in a coma (it's never made clear what caused
her to slip into one, although rape is implied). Paul, who is a
pascifist, relies on the police to find the culprits until he visits
Detective Kevin Raines' (Dean Norris) office and takes a look at his
bulletin board of unsolved cases (look at photo HERE)
and realizes that if the scumbags are to be caught, he will have to
do it on his own. He steals a gun from one of the gangbangers he is
operating on and with evidence he obtains from his own operating
room, goes after the trio of thieving rapists and anyone else who
gets in his way. Punishment is quick and extremely bloody (Especially
what happens to the mechanic in the garage, a ballet of home surgery
and brain matter), as Paul becomes an internet vigilante hero, dubbed
"The Grim Reaper", a champion for all the innocent folk who
are abused by the guilty. While Willis is no Charles Bronson (Who
is?), he is more than a servicable action hero and Eli Roth supplies
enough violence to make us wonder how this got by with an R Rating.
This is a pretty good reboot of the 1974
original that overlooks all the Cannon sequels, updating the
film with modern-day technology, as Willis get all his instructions
on how to be a vigilante from internet videos (!) and other on-line
instructional manuals. This film is not without a sense of humor and
Vincent D'Onofrio registers here as Paul's brother Frank, an ex-con
who becomes Paul's moral compass (it's obvious that they love each
other very much). Even though this was considered a box office bomb,
barely making back it $30,000,000 price tag in the U.S., that by no
means makes it a bad film. It's just that the timing of its release
was poor. People didn't want to see a vigilante movie when trust in
the police was at an all-time low. My advice? Forget all the
naysayers and rent or buy this film today. You should have a good
time with it.
64)
HALLOWEEN (2018) - While this
is more of a sequel than a remake of the 1978 classic, ignoring all
the sequels that followed it, you can read my thoughts on the film HERE.
Yes, I liked it!
65)
SUSPIRIA (2018) - This may be
the most divisive film of 2018. It's either a film you will love or
hate with no middle ground. While not exactly a remake of Dario
Argento's 1977 original, it is a visually stunning reimagining
of the classic. I'm on the side of liking it and if you want to know
why, click HERE.
And now, here is my list for the worst remakes of the new Millennium. The anti-remake brigade can be rightfully pissed about these films getting redone for a new generation. Here they are in no particular order, because bad is just bad (I'm not counting lousy live-action remakes of animated TV shows or feature films like INSPECTOR GADGET [1999], DUNGEONS & DRAGONS [2000], SCOOBY-DOO [2002], THUNDERBIRDS [2004], AEON FLUX [2005], UNDERDOG [2007], TRANSFORMERS [2007], SPEED RACER [2008], G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA [2009], GULLIVER'S TRAVELS [2010], THE LAST AIRBENDER [2010], ALICE IN WONDERLAND [2010; What was Tim Burton thinking?], THE SMURFS [2011] and JACK THE GIANT SLAYER [2013; a revisionist history of Jack And The Beanstalk), feature film remakes of TV shows such as THE SAINT (1997) THE AVENGERS [1998], LOST IN SPACE [1998], MY FAVORITE MARTIAN [1999], WILD WILD WEST [1999], THE MOD SQUAD [1999], I SPY [2002], Director Ang Lee's embarassing remake of THE HULK [2003; the big green guy bounced back in 2008's excellent THE INCREDIBLE HULK and was great as part of an ensemble super hero cast in 2012's THE AVENGERS], S.W.A.T. [2003], I, ROBOT [2004; which originally was a superior episode of TV's original THE OUTER LIMITS - 1963-1965, which was then remade as a pretty good first season episode of THE OUTER LIMITS remake series with Leonard Nimoy reprising his role from the original, which ran from 1995 to 2002], CATWOMAN [2004; she was always implied to be Batman's secret love in the old BATMAN TV Series - 1966-1968], BEWITCHED [2005], THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY [2005], MIAMI VICE [2006], TMNT [2007], GET SMART [2008], LAND OF THE LOST [2009], THE GREEN HORNET [2011], DARK SHADOWS [2012; What was Tim Burton thinking?], the big-budget bomb THE LONE RANGER [2013], TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES [2014], the miscast THE EQUALIZER [2014], the horrendous CHiPS [2017], or video games turned into feature films (WING COMMANDER [1999], FINAL FANTASY: THE SPIRITS WITHIN [2001], BALLISTIC: ECKS VS. SEVER [2002], HOUSE OF THE DEAD [2003], VAN HELSING [2004], ALONE IN THE DARK [2005], BLOODRAYNE [2005], DOA: DEAD OR ALIVE [2006], HITMAN [2007], POSTAL [2007], MAX PAYNE [2008], STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI [2009], BATTLESHIP [2012], NEED FOR SPEED [2014] and WARCRAFT [2016]). Ugh, does anyone have a Zantac?
1)
PROM
NIGHT (2008) - The 1980 original
was no great shakes (unless you like disco and dancing around a
severed head), but this version made it look like Orson Welles
directed the original. PG-13 crap that got an Unrated DVD, but even
when you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Even The Asylum wouldn't
touch this with one of their "mockumentaries". Doesn't that
tell you something?
2)
WHEN
A STRANGER CALLS (2006) - Can anyone tell me why this PG-13
turkey was made? Sure, it now has cell phone technology to replace
land lines, but the line, "The calls are coming from inside the
house!" just doesn't have the same ring to it like the 1979
original does. Even The Asylum's WHEN
A KILLER CALLS (2006) is better than this. Doesn't that tell
you something?
3)
FRIDAY
THE 13TH (2009) - So let me get this straight: In the remake
Jason Voorhees is a pot farmer? Jesus Christ, that is just
ridiculous. I always thought the 1980
original was a little overblown, but it did get the slasher/gore
craze to survive throughout the 1980's with it's many sequels and
imitators. This new version couldn't jump-start a lawn mower.
4)
A
NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (2010) - Besides the expert casting
of Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy Krueger, this remake has very little
to offer what the 1984 original
already had. Believe me, there will be no sequels to this film. It's
not badly made, it's just that we've all seen it before done much better.
5)
WILLARD
(2003) - Casting quirky Crispin Glover as the rat lover and R. Lee
Ermey as his dastardly boss may have been good choices, but it still
doesn't make up for the fact that the 1971 original
was done without any CGI and Ernest Borgnine was much meaner than R.
Lee Ermey (if you can believe that). There's no substituting real
rats for some CGI ones. And hearing Crispin Glover singing the
Michael Jackson song "Ben" made my ears explode!
6)
THE
EYE (2008) - Did anyone actually go to the theater to see
this remake of the 2002 Hong Kong horror flick
directed by the Pang Brothers other than to hope to see Jessica Alba
naked? Boy, I bet you were disappointed. Didn't the PG-13 Rating tip
you off?
7)
THE
DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (2008) - I consider this one of
the worst remakes ever made and a major kick in the face to the 1951
original. Whomever thought that Keanu Reeves could replace
Michael Rennie should go see a shrink ASAP! Why would anyone even
consider making a remake of a film that's considered a 50's sci-fi
classic? Retards, that's who. Read my review of The Asylum's remake
of the remake, THE DAY
THE EARTH STOPPED, HERE.
8)
THE
FOG (2005) - Another classless PG-13 remake of a pretty good John
Carpenter film from 1979 (that was Rated R). The DVD restores
some gore, but the film is basically a bore with way too much CGI
(especially the fog itself). For my review of the film, click HERE.
9)
HOUSE
OF WAX (2005) - A remake in-name only. Where the 1953
original was a fun 3-D horror flick starring Vincent Price, this
remake (made before the 3-D craze was popular again) has nothing to
offer except the gory death of Paris Hilton (who's as stiff as one of
her father's hotels) and an actual house made of wax. Other than
that, it's a typical new Millennium slasher flick with a bunch of
twenty-somethings doing the stupidest things at the most inopportune
times. In other words, a DTV flick that actually got a theatrical release.
10)
THE
TIME MACHINE (2002) - Another useless remake that offers
nothing better than what director George Pal's 1960
original had to offer, only this time it's full of crappy CGI,
useless sub-plots and a hugely-bloated budget.
11)
KING
KONG (2005) - Peter Jackson seems to have forgotten his
roots and began making hugely-expensive films for no other reason
than people offer him tons of money to do so. This is one example of
his excess. The 1933 original was
really an eye-opener for audiences at the time. The remake was
nothing but a CGI-lovefest to the original. If he really wanted to
please me, Jackson should have used less CGI and more practical
effects. Even audiences were turned-off by the bloated running time
(201 minutes for the remake vs. 104 minutes for the original) and
crappy computer-generated effects. I had more fun with the 1977
remake.
12)
ROLLERBALL
(2002) - Did anyone even realize that there was a remake of the 1975
original? It bombed at the box office and I don't know one
single person who likes it at all (except for Michael Prymula). I
wouldn't take a DVD of this film if they payed me.
13)
NIGHT
OF THE DEMONS (2009) - The 1988
original was a fun little horror flick that didn't demand too
much from the audience and did offer a few surprises (lipstick in the
tit anyone?), but I want to know who asked for it to be remade. It's
a sub-par DTV flick where a chain-smoking Edward Furlong (who plays a
drug dealer, which is quite a stretch) and his semi-adult pals and
enemies roam around a deserted house being used for a Halloween party
and become possessed by demons. Yes, the lipstick gag is here (Or as
one shocked partygoer explains: "She stuck it into her boob and
it fell out her pussy!"), as is a cameo by Linnea Quigley
dressed as a ballerina showing her crotch to a couple of amused
female kids while handing out candy. Wouldn't it have been better if
the kids were boys? I guess in today's politically correct climate,
we don't want boys to get horny when they are too young. Give me a
fucking break!
14)
ASSAULT
ON PRECINCT 13 (2005) - Talk about bastardizing a
low-budget classic! Hollywood suits thought it would be a good idea
to hire a well-known cast of big stars, throw a bunch of money into
the project and ignore the plot of director John Carpenter's 1976
original. All the remake is is a typical new Millennium action
flick about police corruption (crooked cops replace the silent gang
members from the original film) that could have been called anything
other than what it was. Who knows, maybe the remake put a few bucks
into Carpenter's banking account (he is given on-screen credit for
writing the original's screenplay). For my review of the original
film, click HERE.
15)
MIRRORS
(2008) - Director Alexandre Aja (of the PIRANHA
[2010] remake fame) took an obscure 2003 Korean film called INTO
THE MIRROR and remade it into a boring mess. Sure, there are
some neat tricks involving mirrors and reflections (especially the
somewhat inventive finale), but the movie is so boring and overlong,
you'll lose interest long before the film ends. Besides, most of
those mirror tricks were done in the awful POLTERGEIST
III (1988) twenty years earlier. Still, it was popular
enough (probably due to it starring Kiefer Sutherland during his
popular 24 [2001 - 2010] days)
to have a DTV sequel made, MIRRORS 2
(2010), not starring Sutherland.
16)
THE
OMEN (2006) - Remaking the 1976 original
is like rewriting the Bible. What purpose does it serve? Julia Stiles
is no Lee Remick and Liev Schreiber is no Gregory Peck. Sometimes I
think this remake was made only because it could be released on June
6, 2006 (666. Get it?). This film sticks close to the original,
except the creepy choral music score is missing (which, in my
opinion, was integral to the whole film) and the gory deaths depend
too much on CGI. Why bother?
17)
THE
WICKER MAN (2006) - I don't know whether to love or hate
this film, but there is no denying its badness when compared to the 1973
original. Nicolas Cage overacts to the point where his
performance becomes a parody. I sometimes think this was done on
purpose because Cage knew what a stinker of a film he was starring in
(for proof, watch the "Step away from the bike!" sequence
or the hilarious Cage performance in the finale as he is burning
alive). One of my favorite badfilms of all time.
18)
THE
HITCHER (2007) - The 1986 original
was a tense little thriller with a knockout performance by Rutger
Hauer as the hitch-hiker from hell. The remake follows the original
closely, except instead of the hitcher trying to pin the crimes on C.
Thomas Howell (in the original), this time hitcher John Ryder (Sean
Bean, who I like as an actor, but he does nothing for me here) tries
to pin the crimes on a female (played by Sophia Bush). The whole
remake seems like leftovers (mainly because the screenplay was
co-written by Eric Red, who wrote the screenplay to the original) and
we get to actually see Sophia Bush's boyfriend get torn in half after
being tied to an 18-wheeler (it was only implied in the original),
but this is just another one of producer Michael Bay's unsuccessful
spins on an original (which also includes THE
AMITYVILLE HORROR [2005, and probably Bay's best], THE
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING [2006], FRIDAY
THE 13TH [2009], and A
NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET [2010] remakes). The Asylum
chimed-in with their own remake called THE
HITCHHIKER (2007). You can read my review of that film HERE.
19)
HALLOWEEN
(2007) - Hey, I'm a big fan of Rob Zombie (both his music and movies,
especially HOUSE OF
1000 CORPSES [2002] and THE
DEVIL'S REJECTS [2005]), but whomever greenlit this remake
of John Carpenter's 1978 classic
should be chopped into little pieces. Rob Zombie is great at
displaying the white trash lifestyle with great relish in his
screenwriting, but that is not what this film needed. As a matter of
fact, it didn't need to be remade at all. You don't mess with
perfection. But, this remake was popular enough to merit a sequel, HALLOWEEN
II
(2009), also directed by Zombie (who has publicly said that he wished
he wasn't talked into doing it, but it gave him opportunities to make
other films).
20)
I
AM LEGEND (2007) - Will Smith may be considered a superstar
(who pimps-out his kids on-screen), but he's no Charlton Heston, who
played the same role in 1971's THE
OMEGA MAN. The remake makes all the mutants CGI creations and
they are badly rendered and unbelievable. I never thought Will Smith
could act. He's either playing himself or shouting out his lines
(Watch any one of his movies and you'll agree with me.). His
popularity still eludes me. There's some nice scenes of a deserted
New York City, but that's about it. Watch the Heston version or THE
LAST MAN ON EARTH (1964), a fairly faithful version of
Richard Matheson's novel (since he is co-writer of the screenplay
using the pseudonym "Logan Swanson") starring Vincent Price.
21)
ONE
MISSED CALL (2008) - It would be better called "One
Missed Opportunity". Another lousy Americanized remake of a
Japanese horror flick, the original
from 2003 (by reknown director Takashi Miike). Why Ed Burns
would be involved in crap like this still eludes me. People recieve
cell phone calls from themselves in the future telling them when they
are going to die. Couldn't the filmmakers of the remake tell that
this film was going to die at the boxoffice? Or did they miss the call?
22)
SISTERS
(2006) - This remake of Brian De Palma's 1973
classic had a very troubled production history and it shows
on-screen. Scenes lead nowhere (the first 30 minutes follow the
original film closely, but then it veers off into The Twilight Zone)
and it has one of the most "What The Fuck?!?" endings in
recent memory. The film has some great actors (Chloe Sevigny and
Stephen Rea), but even they cannot save this jumbled mess of a movie.
Maybe that is why the film skipped a theatrical release and went
directly to home video. Even then very few people saw the film. I
consider them lucky.
23)
FUNNY
GAMES (2007) - Director/writer Michael Haneke directs an
Americanized remake of his 1997
Austrian original (which I have never seen, so I cannot comment
on how closely the remake follows the original) and as I was watching
it, it was going along rather smoothly for a home invasion thriller
(even if most Americans don't talk that way), but when actor Michael
Pitt (who was shot in the head at the end of Season 2 of BOARDWALK
EMPIRE - 2010-2011) picked up the VCR remote and rewound the
film to suit his needs, I threw my hands up it the air and couldn't
believe what I was watching. And not in a good way. I always found
Haneke's films overblown anyway (although he has plenty of fans), but
he lost me in the last thirty minutes of this remake. I know what his
intentions were, but using a VCR remote as a way of doing it was idiotic.
24)
SHUTTER
(2008) - Hollywood hired a Japanese director (Masayuki Ochiai; INFECTION
- 2004) to remake a 2004 original that
was made in Thailand. Joshua Jackson (FRINGE
- 2008-2013) stars as a husband who takes pictures with a camera and
something ghostly appears when the pictures are viewed and deadly
"accidents" happen to everyone in the photos. Where the
2004 original was inventive and suspenseful, the remake is a
under-developed faint PG-13 Polaroid of the original (There was an
Unrated DVD version of the remake released on DVD, but it did little
to change my mind.).
25)
DAY
OF THE DEAD (2007) - Insipid reimagining of director George
A. Romero's 1985 original. To see
how bad the remake actually is, read my review of it HERE.
That odor you are smelling is not a fart. It's this film.
26)
QUARANTINE
(2008) - If it's one thing I hate more than "found footage"
handheld digital video films (ala THE
BLAIR WITCH PROJECT - 1999), it's a remake of a "found
footage" film. This one is a remake of the Spanish film [REC]
(2007) and it's filled with enough "shakey-cam" and
"night-vision" (where everything is that sickly green
color) scenes to make you nauseous. Even the story is old hat. People
are trapped in an apartment building by the government because
there's a rabies-like infection inside. The film would have been much
better if someone put the cameras on tripods and let the story tell
itself. Besides, I never understood how people holding camcorders
keep on filming the action when they are being attacked. Most people
would just drop the camera and run for their lives.
27)
THE
UNINVITED (2009) - Uninspired and boring remake of the
vastly superior South Korean film A
TALE OF TWO SISTERS (2003). While the original was
surprising (especially the finale), the Americanized remake
telegraphs the ending almost from the start of the film. Why does
Hollywood keep on making remakes of Asian films when only one or two
(at the most) have been successful at the boxoffice? Pure greed, in
my opinion. They are always hoping that lightning will strike three
times and give them another THE RING
or THE GRUDGE to crow about. So
far, all they have come up with is snake-eyes on the vast majority of
these Asian remakes.
28)
THE
WIZARD OF GORE (2007) - I know that a lot of people hold
Hershell Gordon Lewis in high regard, calling him the "Godfather
Of Gore" and other euphemisms, escecially since he is credited
with directing the first gore film, BLOOD
FEAST (1963), which just isn't true (it just had a great ad
campaign), but why in the world would anyone want to remake (or
reimagine in this case) Lewis' crappy 1970
original of the same name? Crispin Glover (there's that name
again) portrays Montag The Magnificent (played by Ray Sager in the
original film), a theatrical magician who pulls someone out of the
audience (Usually a SuicideGirl, the film's only saving grace
because, really, only a dead tattooed and body pierced skank is a
good tattooed and body pierced skank) and performs some bloody magic
trick on them and then hours later they die by the same means. A
reporter looks into the murders and doesn't like what he finds. This
remake looks like it was filmed in an alternate universe, so maybe it
was for that audience. All it is is gore and scenes that lead
nowhere. For my review of the remake, click HERE.
There is also a remake of Lewis' TWO
THOUSAND MANIACS (1964) called 2001
MANIACS (2005) and you can read my review of it HERE.
Consider this a twofer of bad Lewis remakes, not that Lewis was a
good director. He wasn't, but he knew how to entertain an audience.
29)
ATTACK
OF THE GIANT LEECHES (2008) - Bad, bad, bad, remake of the 1959
original that starred the tragic Yvette
Vickers. They don't come much worse than this filmed-in-Canada
cheesefest, even if the original was no great piece of filmmaking
either. To read my review of the remake, click HERE.
30)
THE
KARATE KID (2010) - Useless, bloated remake of the 1984
original saved somewhat by a subdued Jackie Chan (his drunken
destruction of the car scene in his home is the film's best sequence)
in a role similar to Pat Morita's in the original. Will Smith pimps
out his son Jaden Smith in the role originally created by Ralph
Macchio and he is terrible (and that is being kind). There is very
little karate in this remake and more kung fu, making the title of
this film somewhat a misnomer. The 140 minute running time will have
you sound asleep long before the climatic battle begins. Don't count
on any sequels any time soon. UPDATE: According to Jackie
Chan, there may be a Part 2 filmed in 2014, depending on the story
and the script. After the dismal boxoffice performance of director M.
Night Shyamalan's AFTER EARTH
(2013), starring Jaden Smith and his father, Jaden (who grew about 8
inches since the original remake) may need to make this film or lose
his career as an actor. Let's just say the critics aren't so kind
about his acting abilities (and he is uncertain about his sexuality,
wearing both male and female clothing!) and leave it at that.
31)
THE
STEPFATHER (2009) - Dylan Walsh steps into Terry O'Quinn's
shoes from the 1987 original and
proves to us just how powerful O'Quinn was in the original. The
remake was rated PG-13 when released theatrically and an Unrated
version was released on DVD, but that still doesn't excuse what a
weak remake this film really is. Nobody can replace Terry O'Quinn (LOST
- 2004-2010) in this role and I thought that STEPFATHER
3
(1992) proved that. I guess Hollywood can't take the hint.
32)
BLACK
DEVIL DOLL (2007) - This remake/reimagining of director
Chester Turner's SOV BLACK
DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL (1984) has nothing going for it except
a wise-ass black dummy who kills white women and the men who love
them. The acting is bad (except from the dummy, who is sometimes
hilarious), as we're supposed to believe that girls at least ten
years too old and full of silicone in their breasts are high school
students. There is some fun to be found here, but if you are easily
offended (even the opening animated credits take raunch to a whole
new level), just stay away. The music is cool, though. Sure, it's
better than Chester Turner's film, but a kitten fart is, too. To read
my review of the remake, click HERE.
33)
CONAN
THE BARBARIAN (2011) - Sometimes trying to remake a film to
make audiences forget the original (in this case the 1982
film starring Arnold Schwarzenegger) backfires so badly, that
hardly anyone goes to the theater to watch the film. This is one of
those cases. Jason Mamoa (HBO's GAME
OF THRONES - 2011-Present) has the muscles, but he's no
Arnold. But then again, who is?
34)
THE
ROOMMATE (2011) - Another watered-down remake of a superior
film, this time 1992's R-Rated SINGLE
WHITE FEMALE. This is nearly a scene-for-scene steal of the
original, but since it was Rated PG-13, the high-heel shoe to the eye
bit was toned down considerably. I can never understand why Hollywood
keeps on making these films for a teenage audience. Maybe it was
because co-star Minka Kelly was the girlfriend of New York Yankees
star Derek Jeter (they are no longer together)? R-Rated films are
making a comeback at theaters and Hollywood better catch on before it
is too late. Besides, most of them make films that are Rated PG-13 in
theaters and then release an Unrated Director's cut on DVD.
Strangely, that is not the case with this film.
35)
SILENT
HOUSE (2011) - Hollywood couldn't even wait more than a year
to remake this "one continuous take" (supposedly shot over
four days) SOV 2010 original titled THE
SILENT HOUSE from Uruguay (I guess the filmmakers of the
remake decided to drop the "The" from the original film
title in hopes of making the film sound scarier. They failed.). Maybe
that's because it's one of those "found footage" films that
takes very little money to shoot. Even new "It" star
Elizabeth Olsen (the sister of the notorious Olsen sisters; filmed
before she became "famous" in films like the highly
disturbing MARTHA
MARCY MAY MARLENE [2011]) can't save a film this cheap. I'm
not a fan of the original, either, or 99% of the films that use this
technique. To me, "movies" filmed this way hope to recoup
their meager budget back in the first week and then let the film
drift off into obscurity on DVD. This remake is one of those films.
Some of these films get lucky and make a lot of money, which is why
Hollywood keeps churning them out.
36)
TOTAL
RECALL (2012) - Another try at remaking an Arnold
Schwarzenegger film (this time his 1990
original of the same name, probably his best film next to THE TERMINATOR franchise)
and another massive failure. Colin Farrell (who was so good in FRIGHT
NIGHT - 2011) is badly miscast in this PG-13 remake of an
R-Rated original. For Christ's sake, even the three-breasted woman
keeps her tits covered-up most of the time and this remake totally
forgets about Mars! Stick to the original. It's a genuine classic
when compared to this remake.
37)
BANGKOK
DANGEROUS (2008) - Hollywood hired Oxide & Danny Pang
(a.k.a. "The Pang Brothers"), who wrote and directed the 1999
Thailand original to direct this remake, only they didn't write
the screenplay to the new film (Jason Richmond did, based on the
Pang's original screenplay, to "Americanize" the film) that
starred Nicolas Cage (there's that name again). It's a faint mirror
imitation to the original action film, but at least lazy people don't
have to read subtitles. One positive point: The remake was filmed in
Thailand and not some Hollywood backlot that is a substitute for
Bangkok. Hollywood just doesn't understand the Asian aesthetic and
they just don't care. They won't be satisfied until they destroy the
careers of every Asian filmmaker who has had a hit overseas. Look
what they did to John Woo. His Hollywood work was full of
compromises. Don't get me wrong, Woo's Hollywood action films were
better than 99% of the crap coming out of Hollywood, but try getting
your hands on the director's cut of HARD
TARGET (1993) and tell me that major compromises weren't
made by Woo to please the suits in Hollywood.
38)
ACID
FACTORY
(2009) - Turn about fair play. This made-in-India thriller is a
scene-for-scene steal of a much superior 2006 American film called UNKNOWN.
There are plenty of foreign films that imitate popular American
films, but this one is such an inferior steal of a little-known film,
the Indian filmmakers probably thought they could get away with it
being an original film. Sorry, but you've been caught!
39)
POSEIDON
(2006) - This one truly has me stymied. Why in the world would anyone
want to remake 1972's THE
POSEIDON ADVENTURE, when there are so many things they cannot
replicate from the original (at least without using CGI)? The biggest
one being the sight of the late Shelley Winters (who was once a
swimming champ in the past, at least in the film) swimming under the
water with a rope in her hand to allow the survivors to follow the
rope to safety. And then she dies of a heart attack! I mean. c'mon
now, who would even want to top that (especially when there was a 2005
TV Movie made a year before)? Apparently director Wolfgang
Peterson did and it was one of his worst-received films, tanking at
the box office. Also, the original has a roster of stars who are now
dead or retired and the nostalgia factor alone makes it the one to
see. I have nothing against Kurt Russell (who stars in the remake),
but he just doesn't have the star power (besides Richard Dreyfuss) to
back him up. It's a no-brainer which film you should choose. The
original was a disaster film that only producer Irwin Allen could
make them. What's next, a remake of THE
TOWERING INFERNO (1974)? Can you imagine all the CGI fire?
And wouldn't it be proper to wait for O.J. Simpson to get out of jail
so he can reprise his role of "Jernigan", one of the
building's security officers, in the new film?
40)
16
BLOCKS (2006) - Anyone who would argue with me that this
film isn't a remake of 1977's THE GAUNTLET
is a fool. Both deal with an alchoholic corrupt policeman wanting to
do the right thing for the first time in their life (Clint Eastwood
in the original; Bruce Willis in the remake) trying to get a
not-so-innocent witness (Eastwood's then-girlfriend Sandra Locke in
the original; Mos Def in the remake) to court to testify in an
important case before time runs out (In both films, the cop/witness
relationship starts out thorny, but they end up being lovers, or in
the Willis/Def relationship, friends), but corrupt police officials
make it difficult for them to do so. For crying out loud, the remake
has the original's iconic assault on a bus that ends up riddled with
bullets. Why don't I like the remake? Very simple. Mos Def (who I
usually like as an actor and a musician) adopts an aggravating accent
that just grates on my nerves everytime he speaks, I actually wanted
the corrupt cops to kill him so I wouldn't have to listen to him
anymore. I usually like Richard Donner (who directed this remake),
but this watered-down PG-13 crap of a film is a low for him. Stick to
the original. You can't go wrong with Eastwood (who also directed the original).
41)
THE
MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (2004) - Hey, I'm a big fan of Denzel
Washington just like most people, but he made a major blunder by
deciding to star in the remake of the near-perfect 1962
original (Which star Frank Sinatra pulled from circulation for
nearly twenty years because of the assassination of President
Kennedy.). Nobody, and I mean NOBODY can take the place of Angela
Lansbury as the mother from hell in the original and to have Meryl
Streep try to top that performance in the remake shows that Streep
doesn't pull-off everything with excellence (She's good; just not
Angela Lansbury good). That's not to say the remake is a bad film at
all; it's just an unnecessary one. Watch the original and be amazed.
The original is as pertinent today as the day it was made and proves
that a good political thriller is timeless. Why ruin its reputation
with a useless remake?
42)
THE
STEPFORD WIVES (2004) - Whereas the 1975
original was a male fantasy dream come true against the National
Organization Of Women (NOW), this new version serves no purposes
since most married women today have to also work daily jobs to make
ends meet at home. What male in their right mind in today's society,
besides perverts and misogynists, would want a robot woman to do
everything that their heart desires? Maybe that is why the remake was
such a huge flop at the boxoffice. The original film spawned three TV
sequels, REVENGE
OF THE STEPFORD WIVES (1980), THE
STEPFORD CHILDREN (1987) and THE
STEPFORD HUSBANDS (1996), but don't look for this newest
version to spawn anything but contempt from women.
43)
THE
PUNISHER (2004) - They don't come much weaker than this,
especially when compared to the 1989 original
starring Dolph Lundgren. Now, I know the Lundgren version isn't
perfect (trying to make Australia look like the United States is its
biggest mistake) and was cut by 16 seconds to receive an R-Rating
(some foreign DVDs offer the Unrated version, as well as the
Workprint), but who in the world could ever think that Thomas Jane
would be a believable Punisher? His family dies thanks to bad guy
John Travolta and he then simply slips on a black tee shirt with a
Skull on the front and he is now the "Punisher". Huh?
Besides being way too long (especially the 140 minute "extended
cut"), the film is about as boring as a bunch of rocks in a
wicker basket. Someone certainly learned a lesson from this travesty
because the ultra-violent PUNISHER:
WAR ZONE (2008) was made (with Ray Stevenson as the
Punisher) and it should be on every action junkie's must-see list.
Sometimes lessons can be learned, even in Hollywood (even though the
film tanked at the box office).
44)
SOLARIS
(2002) - One of the biggest flops in George Clooney's career and a
black mark on the career of director Stephen Soderbergh (who both
made the successful [and longer] OCEAN'S
ELEVEN [2001] remake and its two sequels together). Why
would Soderbergh take on director Andrei Tarkovsky's 169 minute 1972
epic (there is also a 190 minute version floating around) and
condense it into a 99 minute boring mess? Your guess is as good as
mine, but I have seen the 1972 versions about four times and I
haven't been able to make it through the remake more than once. Sure,
the 1972 version has its slow spots, but it makes a helluva lot more
sense than Soderbergh's version. Do yourself a favor and stay away
from it.
45)
CARRIE
(2002) - "Sin never dies." NBC TV tried a three-hour TV
movie remake of director Brian De Palma's 1976
classic, but you know TV: If it has anything to do with author
Stephen King, it's ripe for the small screen, even if it has already
been made theatrically (Dont get me started on the TV mini-series
remakes of THE SHINING - 1997
["All work an no play make Jack watch reruns of WINGS."]
or SALEM'S LOT - 2004).
Angela Bettis (MAY - 2002) is good
as troubled telekenetic teen Carrie, but the fact is that we saw the
same exact thing 26 years earlier and done by a master of suspense.
Why mess with it? Well folks, Hollywood isn't done with Carrie just
yet. CARRIE (2013) with
Chloë Grace Moretz (LET ME IN
- 2010) as the troubled telekenetic teen with uber-religious mother
Julianne Moore was released in October 2013 and got fair-to-middling
reviews and was basically nothing but a word-for-word, scene-for-scene
remake of the first film. Why? Why? Why? The original is available
on DVD and Blu-Ray. Watch that instead.
46)
RED
DRAGON (2002) - This reimagining of director Michael Mann's
masterful 1986 film MANHUNTER
is a complete waste of your time and energy because it was made to
ride the coattails of HANNIBAL
(2001) and to take advantage of Anthony Hopkin's performance of
Hannibal "The Cannibal" Lecter, which was a sequel to the
Academy Award-winning SILENCE
OF THE LAMBS (1991). If you have seen Mann's original film,
there is no reason to watch Edward Norton reprise William Petersen's
role in the original. Hopkin's role is much bigger in the
reimagining, but that is still no reason to see the film. It's a
publicity stunt. He's even digitally altered to look younger!
47)
VANILLA
SKY (2001) - What in the world were star Tom Cruise and
director/writer Cameron Crowe thinking when the were remaking the
1997 Spanish original OPEN YOUR EYES?
Sure, they hired Penelope Cruz to reprise the same role in the
original film, but the remake as a whole will have you scratching
your head so hard, you'll end up with a bleeding scalp. I did not
have that problem with the original (maybe the English subtitles
helped me more), but a lot of people other than myself think that
this is a self-indulgent piece of celluloid confusion. People who
love dream interpretation, coded messages or one-frame subliminal
images seem to love this film, but let me ask all of them this: What
good is all that stuff when even director Crowe can't explain the
ending? Look for director Steven Spielberg in a cameo in a party
scene wearing a "Pre-Crime" cap (He and Cruise were
prepping MINORITY REPORT
[2002] while this film was being shot. As a favor, Crowe appears in a
party scene in that film.).
48)
PLANET
OF THE APES (2001) - Wow, what a pice of shit. This just
proves that not everything director Tim Burton does is a winner (DARK
SHADOWS - 2012, anyone?). Trying to film a remake of the 1968
classic starring Charlton Heston (who has an uncredited
appearance here as Zaius) is like trying to tell people the "New
Coke" tastes the same as the old Coke. People aren't as stupid
as Hollywood thinks. And what about that new ending? Oh boy, I'm sure
Abe Lincoln enthusiasts were up in arms (Instead of the flop ABRAHAM
LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER [2012; which, strangely enough, Tim
Burton produced], they should have made ABE LINCOLN: APE KILLER.
I bet it would have made tons more money.). But here is another
example where Hollywood learned its lesson. They made the
much-superior RISE
OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2011). They could have a whole
new franchise on their hands as long as they make sure the
screenplays are superior and don't fall-back on the remake curse.
49)
JUST
VISITING (2001) - Director Jean-Marie Poiré took his
1993 French time-travel comedy LES
VISITEURS (THE VISITORS), along with original stars Jean
Reno and Christian Clavier and Americanized it for U.S. consumption.
Americans took to it like Indians to beef. Even the co-starring power
of Christina Applegate and Tara Reid (Tara Reid?) couldn't save this
supposed comedy from the trash heap. Where the French original
spawned a sequel, don't hold your breath waiting for an American one.
The French. They are a funny race.
50)
GET
CARTER (2000) - For those of you who think that this remake
is a pretty good action thriller, you would be right except for one
fact: When compared to the 1971 original
starring Michael Caine (who also appears in the remake in what
amounts to an extended cameo and in a totally different role), this
remake is small potatoes. Sure, both films deal with brothers
returning to their hometown after extended periods away to
investigate the death of their brothers, but that is where the
similarities end (especially the finale). Hey, I like Sylvester
Stallone as well as the next guy (see my review of RAMBO
- 2008), but he can't replace Michael Caine in his prime (mid-1960's
to the late-70's) before he would take a part in any film (I'm
thinking about movies like JAWS:
THE REVENGE - 1987). My recommendation? Watch the 1971
original. There's no need to watch the remake. NOTE: The car chase
sequence in the remake was "borrowed" for a couple of
early-2000 Fred Olen Ray films, including FINAL
EXAMINATION (2002).
51)
GONE
IN 60 SECONDS (2000) - Another case of apples and oranges.
In the 1974 original, late
director H.B. Halicki stars as an insurance investigator who steals
cars as a side business. The purpose of this film was to show us how
many vehicles Halicki (who was seriously hurt during one driving
stunt and filming has to stop for a few weeks) could destroy in 105
minutes (Total: 93 cars). In the remake, retired car thief Nicolas
Cage (there's that name again!) and his crew (including a pre-fame
Angelina Jolie) must steal 50 cars in one night to save his worthless
brother's (Giovanni Ribisi) life from an even more worthless Russian
crime lord who plans on shipping the pricey cars overseas (The remake
pays tribute to the original by naming the last car to be stolen
"Eleanor". In the remake, it's a 1967 Mustang Fastback. In
the original, it's a 1973 Mustang.). They must do this while being
watched by a detective (Delroy Lindo) with a hard-on for Cage. Sure,
there are plentiful cars chases and one good scene of a police car
getting hit by a wrecking ball, but if you want a true high amount of
car crashes, then Halicki's film is the only way to go.
52)
SUPERMAN
RETURNS (2006) - After the 1978 original
and three sequels in the 80's, Superman returns with a new face
(Brandon Routh; who now plays some gay guy on a network sitcom which
probably won't last more than a season) a new Lex Luthor (a bald
Kevin Spacey) and a new Lois Lane (Kate Bosworth). As a matter of
fact, everyone is new in director Bryan Singer's reimagining of the
series (except for a brief shot of Marlon Brando in the original),
including a bloated 154-minute running time. It seems Superman left
Earth for five years to "find himself" and came to the
conclusion that he wanted Lois Lane in his life (seems she's now
engaged to a relative of newspaper boss Perry White [Frank
Langella]), so he returns to Earth to go on with his super-power
life-saving ways. Awwww. isn't that cute? The effects may be grander
and the acting may be above-reproach, but good god, 154 minutes to
tell this story? Give me the original any day. Hollywood is never one
to remember its stinkers (this one barely made back its 209 million
dollar budget worldwide), so they will be releasing MAN
OF STEEL on June 14, 2013. This one will be a total reboot
with Henry Cavill (BLOOD CREEK
- 2008) playing Superman as an adult and Michael Shannon (who is
usually good in everything he does, as his role in TAKE
SHELTER - 2011 will attest) as General Zod. Zack Snyder (DAWN
OF THE DEAD - 2004; WATCHMEN
-2009) is directing, so there is hope that it will be done right this time.
53)
PULSE
(2006) - Here's another example of trying to Americanize a Japanese
horror film, in this case a 2001 film named KAIRO
(PULSE) and failing miserably. It is also another example of
a film being rated PG-13 for it's theatrical release and then
released Unrated on DVD (it only amounts to about 15 seconds of
footage). I think the only reason this got made is because Wes Craven
co-wrote the American screenplay. Mirimax head Bob Weinstein didn't
want to make the film because it reminded him too much of THE
RING (2002), but it got made anyway. Instead of a cursed VHS
tape, this time it's a unknown frequency on the Internet that forces
people to commit suicide and with each suicide the signal gets
stronger, leading to the downbeat finale. I hate downbeat finales;
not in all films, but in these unnecessary remakes. The original
Japanese film spawned two sequels, which gave the Weinstein Brothers
an excuse to film their own two sequels,
both directed by DTV sequel expert Joel Soisson (THE
PROPHECY: UPRISING - 2003; THE
PROPHECY: FORSAKEN - 2003; CHILDREN
OF THE CORN: GENESIS - 2010) in 2008 and both just as poor
as the first film.
54)
THE
INVISIBLE (2007) - Perfectly dreadful remake of the
excellent 2002 Swedish film of the
same name. The plot concerns a guy being beaten to death by an unseen
attacker, yet he is not quite dead and he roams around the city
unseen except for one girl and they try to figure out why he was
attacked and try to get someone to locate his not-so-dead body. The
only person who would be capable of doing that would be his attacker.
The remake drops a crucial subplot about drug smugglers that is in
the original film so they could retain a PG-13 Rating (Even the DVD
is rated PG-13). Yeah, let's keep drugs out of the plot because it
would be too "realistic" for audiences to comprehend. This
is why most remakes suck. They treat the audiences like they are a
bunch of three year-olds.
55)
THE
INVASION (2007) - This is the third theatrical remake of INVASION
OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1956) and it is by far the worst.
Even stars Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig cannot save this turd. How
many times can you film the same storyline and still surprise the
audience? This film telegraphs all it's scares well ahead of time and
instead of not wanting to sleep in fear that alien spores would take
over my body, I welcomed sleep like and addict craves heroin. Just so
I wouldn't have to finish watching this film. A total bomb at the
boxoffice and rightfully so. It gives the word "bad" a bad name.
56)
SWEENEY
TODD: THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET (2007) - Now don't
get me wrong, I love Tim Burton as a director and he has turned out
many fine, if offbeat, films (ED WOOD
- 1994 is one of my favorite films of all time), but he really has to
find a new leading actor besides using Johnny Depp over-and-over.
There have been many versions of the Sweeney Todd tale (if you don't
know the storyline by now, Google it), including THE
DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET (1936), starring Todd
Slaughter, various TV movies
and a Broadway musical
(music and lyrics by Stephen Sondheim), but Burton (who based his
film on the Broadway musical) goes into overkill mode, both in the
singing department and the gore department, many scenes at the same
time. The blood literally gushes like a waterfall on the screen,
while Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter (Mrs. Tim Burton), Alan
Rickman and Sacha Baron Cohen warble their way to advance the story.
The film is great to look at (Art Director Dante Ferretti deservedly
won an Academy Award), but painful on the ears whenever we have to
listen to Depp sing. If Burton filmed this story straight without the
music, it would probably be considered a classic of the macabre.
Right now whenever you mention the film, a lot of people will say,
"Isn't it that awful film where Johnny Depp sings?" It's
hard to imagine who Burton made this film for. It's way too bloody
for the Broadway crowd and the music numbers will not make teens and
twenty-somethings leave the theater humming. It's not awful, but just
a step above average (I'm still trying to wrap my head around how
Johnny Depp and the film itself both won Golden Globes [Depp was even
nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actor, but lost!]. Does the
Foreign Press have taste that bad?). I expected more from Tim Burton,
but as long as he keeps using Johnny Depp (DARK
SHADOWS - 2012, anyone?), he will not get out of his rut.
Watch SLEEPY HOLLOW
(1999) instead. Yes, it's directed by Burton and stars Depp, but it's
a period horror film done right. Or better yet, go to the theater and
support Tim Burton's stop-motion FRANKENWEENIE
(2012), a wonderful feature-length version of his 1984 live action
29-minute short of the same name (It got him fired from Disney for
wasting their resources on short films deemed by them to be "too
scary" for family viewing! That didn't stop Disney from
releasing an edited version of the
short on VHS once Burton became famous, but you can see the
unedited version of the short as an extra on Burton's THE
NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS [1993] DVD).
57)
THE
SPIRIT (2008) - Forget the 1987 TV Movie
of the same name. It's not much of a film and not many people
remember it. Let's focus on the 2008 version. Director Frank Miller
decided to take Will Eisner's comic strip and film it mostly all in
green screen, much in the same vein of SIN
CITY (2005) and 300
(2006), both of which Miller was involved in. While I enjoyed both of
those films immensely, this 2008 comic adaptation is severely
lacking. The only good thing about this film is Samuel L. Jackson as
the Octopus, otherwise it is just an over-stylized arty filmic
graphic novel that just screams "Look at me!" Films
shouldn't do that. You should just be able to sit down, relax and
enjoy the film. You can't do that with this film. Audiences thought
so, too, because it bombed at the box office.
58)
BEYOND
A REASONABLE DOUBT (2009) - Anyone who would try to remake
one of director Fritz Lang's best 1950's noir thrillers (in this
case, his 1956 film of
the same name) is a fool in my book. The "surprise"
ending is telegraphed way before the film ends (especially if you
have seen Lang's version) and star Michael Douglas has very little to
do here besides concerned that Jesse Metcalfe is looking into his
corrupt lawyer behavior. Metcalfe has himself arrested and brought to
trial to prove what a corrupt lawyer Douglas is, but the big
"reveal" at the ends proves that not everything you see or
hear is true. Do yourself a favor and watch Lang's version instead.
New version director Peter Hyams bit off a little more than he could
chew when he took on Lang. I think if Alfred Hitchcock were alive
today, he wouldn't touch Lang's films with a ten foot pole because
you don't mess with perfection.
59)
PSYCHO
(1998) - Speaking of Alfred Hitchcock, this nearly word-for-word
remake of Hitchcock's 1960 classic is
one of filmdom's worst bonehead moves of all times. Somehow, indie
director Gus Van Sant thought it would be a good idea to take Joseph
Stefano's screenplay, the same one that Hitchcock used and film a new
version of Hitchcock's film, with Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates and
Anne Hecht as Marion Crane. Let's just say that this experiment was a
total failure and leave it at that. The only difference (besides the
talent behind and in front of the camera) is that the new version is
in color, where the original was in black & white. The only
conclusion I can come to here is that this film was made to get
people to watch a version of the film in color, since a lot of young
people refuse to watch anything in black & white. Don't laugh, I
know people who have this exact mindset. And yes, they are hipster
idiots. Another recent film to steal from Hitchcock/Stefano's film is HOUSE
AT THE END OF THE STREET (2012). a PG-13 rated piece of crap
with a "surprise" finale. The only surprise is that this
film was released to theaters to cash-in on star Jennifer Lawrence's
recent blockbuster success in THE
HUNGER GAMES (2012; the newest young adult franchise for
those tweens who miss TWILIGHT
[2008] and its sequels). Otherwise, this film would have went
directly to DTV. Or sat on the shelf.
60)
CLASH
OF THE TITANS (2010) - Call me an old-fashioned fuddy duddy,
but I'll take the stop-motion special effects of Ray Harryhausen in
the 1981 version of this
film (filmed in 1979, it was Harryhausen's last feature film) than
the obvious CGI (some of it very bad) monsters of the remake. Sure,
Sam Worthington in the remake makes a better action hero than Harry
Hamlin in the original, but that's not the point. There's something
organic about practical special effects that you can not reproduce
with CGI. Sometimes, the CGI takes you out of the film because it
looks so fake (not to mention breaking the laws of physics). It was
also one of those films that was filmed flat and then had 3-D applied
after the film was finished, which never works out very well, as many
audience members complained (There's a new system developed by Sony
that supposedly fixes that problem). The remake was popular enough to
make a sequel, WRATH OF THE TITANS
(2012), directed by Jonathan Liebesman (the supremely awful DARKNESS
FALLS - 2003), with a second sequel coming in a couple of years.
61)
THE
TOURIST (2010) - Another action/romance stinker starring
Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie, who have the chemistry of two rocks
touching each other. The closing credits list that this film is a
remake of the 2005 French film ANTHONY
ZIMMER, but since I haven't seen it, I cannot properly
compare the two. What I can say is that the French film has to be
better than this piece of crap, even with a "surprise"
finale that anyone with half a brain could see coming a mile away.
This was one of the biggest theatrical bombs of 2010.
62)
BEASTLY
(2011) - Simply horrid retelling of The Beauty And the Beast tale,
made for the TWILIGHT (2008)
crowd (God, how I hate those films and the way they play fast and
loose with the vampire and werewolf legends. I swear, if I see a
pasty-faced vampire all "sparkly" during the daytime, I'd
pick up the nearest sharp object and ram it through his/her heart
without hesitation.). This tale has been told many times, mainly as a 1946
French film directed by Jean Cocteau (recommended) and as a 1991
animated film from Walt Disney (also recommended), along with
various other films and TV series (including a new TV series titled BEAUTY
& THE BEAST [2012] on The CW). Any of those is
preferrable to this piece of celluloid garbage (except for the new TV
series), which has some good makeup effects, but the story is pure
modern-day revisionist trash. Stay away.
63)
SNOW
WHITE & THE HUNTSMAN (2012) - More PG-13 revisionist
film history to please the TWILIGHT
(2008) crowd, now that the franchise is over and done with. Freshman
director Rupert Sanders managed to turn a beloved fairy tale into an
overlong action epic, casting Kristen Stewart (there's that TWILIGHT
connection again) as Snow White, Charlize Theron as the evil Queen
and Chris Hemsworth as the Huntsman, who tries to save Snowie's life
over and over again. The blasphemy of the whole film is the casting
of normal-sized actors as the Seven Dwarfs (not even using the
characters' names from the fairy tale!), reducing them in size with
CGI trickery. This rightly upset dwarf actors like Warwick Davis, who
compared what they did in this film to putting black shoe polish on a
white actor and trying to pass him off as an African American. He is
absolutely correct. Do yourself a favor and watch the Disney 1937
animated film SNOW
WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS instead. It's a classic and
rightfully so and runs 83 minutes to the revisionist's 127 minute
running time (There's also a Director's Cut on DVD that runs 132
minutes). Hell, even SNOW
WHITE AND THE THREE STOOGES (1961) is preferrable to this
overblown mess.
64)
DORIAN
GRAY (2009) - This violent and boring version of Oscar
Wilde's story about a man who stays eternally young while his painted
portrait grows older every year has been filmed many times, beginning
with plenty of silent films, but came to life in 1945's THE
PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY (recommended to anyone interested in
an honest retelling of the story, except for the homosexual subtext
that was a big no-no in the 40's [an Oscar Wilde trait since he was
gay]), 1970's DORIAN
GRAY (with Helmut Berger as a mod, sex-crazy Dorian Gray),
Dan Curtis' 1973 TV Movie production of THE
PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY, various other TV Movies, including a
female TV version titled THE
SINS OF DORIAN GRAY (1983) and even porn versions, including
director Armand Weston's TAKE OFF
(1978). This newest version seems more interested in sadomasochistic
sex and violence, with fingernails being pulled out, blood being
licked off a woman's breasts and other bloody mayhem, yet the film is
still a bore. Watch any of the other versions I mentioned instead of
this one, unless your tastes run towards women and men being abused
violently sexually and physically.
65)
LEGEND
OF THE MUMMY (1998) - This is the third feature film
retelling of author Bram Stoker's "The Jewel Of The Seven
Stars", the first being Hammer Films' BLOOD
FROM THE MUMMY'S TOMB (1971) and the second being THE
AWAKENING (1980). This most recent remake is by far the
worst. For one, it is boring as hell, with long stretches of nothing
but dialogue. Secondly, the mummy used in this film looks no better
than a Halloween costume. Thirdly, it's badly acted, especially by
Louis Gossett Jr, who looks like he would rather be anywhere else but
here. I always thought that Charlton Heston was miscast in THE
AWAKENING and it looked on screen like he knew it, but he's
a regular Orson Welles when compared to Gossett's performance. Stay
away and save yourself a headache.
66)
PRECIOUS
FIND (1996) - A science fiction version of the 1948 classic THE
TREASURE OF SIERRA MADRE? How did you think it would turn
out? Where the original had Humphrey Bogart and Walter Huston in the
leads and John Huston as the director, this badly done remake has
Rutger Hauer and Joan Chen as the stars and Philippe Mora as the
director (who also gave us such filmic classics as THE
BEAST WITHIN [1982; probably his best film] and HOWLING
II...YOUR SISTER IS A WEREWOLF [1985; the unedited closing
credits are great and hummable thanks to the music of Babel and the
quick editing showing Sybil Danning ripping-off her top time and time
again intercut with the reactions of the cast]), so I'll let your
imagination decide how bad it is if you haven't seen it. If you have
seen it, I wish I could give you a big hug and say "There,
there. Things will get better." Just not in this rotten remake.
Why Mora would pick a genuine American classic to remake with sci-fi
trappings is the biggest mystery of all. A mystery better left unsolved.
67)
A
PERFECT MURDER (1998) - I consider Andrew Davis a damn fine
action director, but even he would have trouble adapting a romantic
thriller loosely based on Alfred Hitchcock's DIAL
M FOR MURDER (1954; originally filmed in 3-D, but shown flat
because the fad had died down, yet when the fad re-emerged in the
early 80's, it got a wide theatrical showing in 3-D), as this
reimagining shows. It's neither romantic or thrilling, just your
standard "man hires wife's lover to kill her" with a twist
at the end. It's not worth waiting for the twist. I understand that
Davis was not out to copy Hitchcock (the film is based on the play of
the same name and not Hitchcock's film), but it still feels like
Hitchcock lite. That is never a good thing. It's like getting half a blowjob.
68)
HEAD
ABOVE WATER (1997) - Simply horrid remake of the 1993
Norwegian comedy/thriller film HODET
OVER VANNET ("Head Above Water "), directed
by Nils Gaup. In the original film, lead actress Lene Elise Bergum
was topless for more than half the film. In the much tamer PG-13
remake, lead actress Cameron Diaz always kept her tits covered,
whether in a bikini top or in sun dresses. If Diaz didn't want to do
the nudity, then the director (Jim Wilson) should have hired a
different actress. Why does Hollywood feel the need to water-down
foreign films? The remake was considered so bad, (it was made in
early 1996), that it sat on the shelf for over a year before making
its debut on HBO, then on VHS. Don't waste your time. It's much too
valuable to spend on drek like this. I consider this a low point for
Harvey Keitel, Billy Zane and Craig Sheffer (HELLRAISER:
INFERNO - 2000). Personally, I never thought Cameron Diaz
could act. She's beautiful and that's about it.
69)
PATHFINDER
(2007) - Speaking of poor director Nils Gaup, director Marcus Nispel (FRIDAY
THE 13TH - 2009) took Gaup's 1987
film of the same name (also known as "Ofelas "),
an Academy Award nominee for Best Foreign Film of 1987 (it didn't
win) and turned it into a Conan-wannabe. It's no surprise since
Nispel also directed the awful remake of CONAN
THE BARBARIAN (2011; he also made the better-than-usual THE
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE remake in 2003). The original is an
exciting and bloody telling of how the Vikings attacked Scandinavia.
The remake has the Vikings attacking Native Americans. Both films are
bloody, but the original has more meat on its bones. When in doubt,
stick with the original.
70)
SHAFT
(2000) - Director John Singleton tries to recreate the magic that
director Gordon's Parks' 1971 original
brought to theaters and fails miserably. I have nothing against
Samuel L. Jackson (who plays Shaft in the remake), but, at least to
me , only Richard Roundtree (who makes a cameo in the remake) could
be Shaft. The original was such an important film in so many ways
(take it from me, I lived those years). It was just one of a handful
of films that created the blaxploitation craze, which would last
until the mid-70's (besides an occasional film or comedy send-up over
the years), but it was different than most blaxploitation films. For
one, not every white character in the film was a bad guy or corrupt,
which would soon disappear in most blaxploitation films that followed
it. Secondly, Richard Roundtree was the essence of cool, not taking
shit from any man or woman, yet he could be just as kind to them,
too. The original changed the way music was used in films (Isaac
Hayes, who would later play TRUCK TURNER
[1974], created a soundtrack which is still considered a classic
today), as well as the way blacks were portrayed. They we just like
everyone else. They had their good points and bad and probably opened
the eyes of white Hollywood suits to the profitability of films of
this type (the original spawned two sequels
and a short-lived TV series). The
remake feels flat and tiresome when compared to the original, almost
like a TV movie with swearing, nudity and violence. Stick to the
original, since it was a watermark in the way blacks were to be
portrayed in films from that point on. NOTE: A sequel is being
filmed for a release in 2018.
71)
FIREWALL
(2006) - Director Richard Loncraine took his excellent 1987 crime
thriller BELLMAN AND TRUE
(which was originally a 150-minute British TV movie and then was cut
to 117 minutes for a theatrical release, which the U.S. MPAA Rated R)
and Americanized it for our consumption (in other words, it was
watered-down and Rated PG-13). The story is simple: The head of
security of a big bank has his family held hostage until he breaks
through the bank's computer firewall and lets the crooks steal
millions of dollars. The problem with the remake? Well, Harrison Ford
is the head of security and I doubt he owned a computer rather than
be efficient and technological enough to break through a firewall.
He's about as convincing in that role as Richard Simmons would be
playing a manly stud who gets all the girls. American audiences
thought so, too, as it was one of Harrison Ford's least profitable
films. Do yourself a favor and search out the original. It's a
crackling good thriller besides the outdated computer technology on view.
72)
WAR
OF THE WORLDS (2005) - Let me get one thing straight: I
think Steven Spielberg is an excellent director, but even excellent
directors are capable of making a bad film every now and then. I
cried at the end of E.T.-THE
EXTRATERRESTRIAL (1982). I cried at the end of SAVING
PRIVATE RYAN (1998). CLOSE
ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1977) is one of my favorite
sci-fi films and RAIDERS
OF THE LOST ARK (1981) is one of the best adventure films of
all time. But when he tried to remake the 1953
original of the George Pal production, something was lost in the
translation. Where the original was a stripped-down to the basics
"us vs. them" classic, the remake tried to throw in family
drama (a Spielberg trademark), special effects that, at least to me,
were not so special (although getting hit by the alien's death ray
was pretty well done) and a head-scratching sequence involving a
not-quite-right-in-the-head Tim Robbins (I'm still trying to figure
that one out). It's not really that bad a film (both Gene Barry and
Ann Robinson from the original make cameos) and for once, Spielberg
was able to keep a film at less than two hours long, but you can't
beat the original for thrills and that familiar alien sound as they
are firing their weapons. The Asylum also made their own version in
2005: H.G. WELLS WAR
OF THE WORLDS (and a sequel, WAR
OF THE WORLDS 2: THE NEXT WAVE - 2008) and there was also a 1988
- 1990 TV Series.
73)
SLEUTH
(2007) - Inferior remake of the 1972 original,
which earned Academy Award nominations for actors Michael Caine and
Sir Laurence Olivier and director Joseph L. Mankiewicz. The twisty
screenplay of the original, written by Anthony Shaffer (based on his
play of the same name) was rewritten in the remake by noted writer
Harold Pinter, directed by Kenneth Branagh (MARY
SHELLEY'S FRANKENSTEIN - 1994; THOR
- 2011) and stars the original's Michael Caine (GET
CARTER - 1971), with Jude Law (SHERLOCK
HOLMES - 2009) as his adversary. The new twists in Pinter's
screenplay just don't work as well as Shaffer's original and the film
suffers because of it. Everyone else in front and behind the camera
do a bang-up job, but something feels like it is missing. This is not
as bad as many of the films on this list, but when compared to the
surprises of the original, it has the feeling of a one-legged man at
an ass-kicking contest.
74)
TINKER,
TAILOR, SOLDIER, SPY (2011) - How do you destroy John le
Carré's Cold War spy novel of the same name and crap on the
Emmy-nominated 1979 BBC Mini-Series
(which ran 315 minutes and was shown in seven parts) starring Sir
Alec Guiness? Why you cut out most of the sub-plots, hire some of the
best British talent today and have Tomas Alfredson (LET
THE RIGHT ONE IN - 2008) direct a maddening 128 minute
version of it. It's maddening because of the way it is edited and
it's much more over-complicated than it should be. I watched it two
times and I still didn't understand what the hell was going on, which
is a shame because Gary Oldman (nominated for an Academy Award), John
Hurt, Toby Jones, Colin Firth and Benedict Cumberbatch are so good in
it. Great acting is not enough, though. You need a screenplay that
you can follow (and I enjoy intellectual thrillers), but the
screenplay, by Bridget O'Connor & Peter Straughan (who, true to
Oscar thinking, were both nominated for an Academy Award) is so
confusing, even MENSA members would be shaking their heads and
saying, "What the fuck was that all about?" Do yourself a
favor and purchase the 1979 Mini-Series on DVD and set aside nearly
six hours to watch it. You can thank me later on.
75)
DAREDEVIL
(2003) - If you have been reading my comments about comic book
superheroes made into films, you already know that I really don't
care for them (although there are a few which are truly exceptional)
and this film is one of the bad ones. The Daredevil, who is a blind
lawyer named Matt Murdock (here portrayed by Ben Affleck, who is now
deservingly winning much praise as a director/actor, but back when
this film was made, critics and audiences were about to have the bad
taste of GIGLI [2003] on their
minds due to his much-publicized romance with co-star Jennifer Lopez,
the paparazzi dubbing them "Bennifer") was first given the
live-action treatment in the 1989 TV Movie THE
TRIAL OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK (in which Rex Smith portrayed
the Daredevil), roams the rooftops of buildings looking for crooks to
capture with his tricked-out blindman's cane. He does such a good job
of cutting crime in the city that he pisses-off the city's biggest
crime lord, the Kingpin (portrayed by the late Michael Clarke
Duncan), who hires supreme bad guy Bullseye (Colin Farrell, whose
name is getting plenty of mentions on both the good and bad remake
lists), whose motto is "I never miss.", to kill the
Daredevil. The film has some good points (especially in the R-Rated
Director's cut which restores a whole courtroom subplot featuring
rapper Coolio; the film was rated PG-13 in theaters and on the
original DVD and VHS releases), such as the Daredevil's final fight
with both Bullseye (who has a funny scene after the closing credits)
and the Kingpin and the hilarious banter between Murdock and best
friend/law partner "Foggy" (Jon Favreau, who went on to
direct one of the best superhero films, IRON
MAN - 2008), but it is really unexceptional in the canons of
superhero mythology (especially the way Matt Murdock is blinded as a
child). As usual for a Marvel comics-turned-film, Stan Lee puts in a
cameo. Look for director/comic book geek Kevin Smith as "Jack
Kirby, Forensic Assistant" (Smith also wrote some Daredevil
comics and suggested Affleck play the title character to director
Mark Steven Johnson). Jennifer Garner (whom Affleck married in 2005)
co-stars here as another superhero, who got her own spin-off film, ELEKTRA,
in 2005. It's even worse than this film. Since neither of these
films ever received a sequel, audiences probably tend to agree with
my assessment.
76)
PHANTOM
OF THE OPERA (2004) - There have been many versions of
Gaston Leroux's story, including the famous 1925
version starring Lon Chaney, the 1943
Technicolor musical starring Claude Rains and Nelson Eddy, the 1962
Hammer Films Production starring the late Herbert Lom, a bastardized
1989 version starring Robert Englund and director Dario
Argento's 1998 version
(as well as various TV Movies
over the years). This most recent big-budget version is based on the long-running
Broadway musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber (it opened on Broadway
in 1988 and is still going strong after over 10,000 performances!)
and was directed by Joel Schumacher, a person I admire for his not
being pigeonholed as a director of any specific genre of film. But if
you've been reading this compiled list, you know that even the best
directors have their off days and this is one of Schumacher's (don't
get me started on THE NUMBER 23
- 2007, Schumacher's next directorial effort after this film). This
remake is a looong 143 minutes so, of course, it was nominated for
three Academy Awards (for Achievement In Music [for a song Webber
composed solely for the fim], Art Direction and Cinematography), but
won none of them. While the film is a feast for the eyes, you'll
still be looking occasionally at the clock wondering when this will
all be over. Schumacher didn't even bother using most of the Broadway
cast for the movie, instead opting for Gerard Butler (as the
Phantom), Patrick Wilson, Minnie Driver (whose singing is dubbed; the
rest of the actors sang for themselves), Miranda Richardson and Emmy
Rossum to headline the film. Do yourself a favor: Take your
wife/husband/lover for a trip to Broadway and see the theater version
after having a nice meal. It's a great play, but will cost you a few
hundred dollars for the night. I guarantee you'll get lucky once you
get home. Not so much with this film, though.
77)
VANISHING
POINT (1997) - Let me make this as simple as possible: Question:
How do you top one of the best 1970's road movies with a nihilistic
ending (right up there with DIRTY
MARY
CRAZY LARRY
- 1974)? Answer: You don't. The 1971
original, where star Barry Newman (as Kowalski) sets to prove he
can drive a 1970 Dodge Challenger from Denver to San Francisco in
just fifteen hours (and becomes an American hero in the process,
avoiding roadblocks and police chases) and the late Cleavon Little
(as blind DJ Super Soul, who keeps the country updated on his
progress, also dropping clues to Kowalski on the air) has one of the
most depressing endings of any film that I can ever remember. To
remake it as a 1997 TV Movie starring Viggo Mortensen as Kowalski
(who, in a change of the original's story, is racing 1200 miles [in
what looks to be a 1972, not 1970, White Dodge Challenger] to be with
his wife, who is pregnant and in labor) and Jason Priestly as a
Howard Stern-type radio DJ who helps Kowalski avoid psychopathic
State Trooper Steve Railsback, is one of the most boneheaded moves in
TV history. Gone are the naked lady on the motorcycle (in the remake,
the girl on the motorcycle, played by Peta Wilson, is clothed in a
bikini top and cut-off denim shorts), along with any shred of filmic
dignity. The ending of the remake is especially maddening, because it
defies not only all the laws of physics, but also how much damage a
body can take rolling out of a car going 150 MPH. A total disgrace
from beginning to end.
78)
THE
TRUTH ABOUT CHARLIE (2002) - I'm a big fan of the movie CHARADE
(1963; directed by Stanley Donen; SATURN
3 - 1980), which this film is a remake of and is not the
best film in director Jonathan Demme's fine list of films, which
includes such classics as as CAGED HEAT
(1974) and SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
(1991), as well as the loser THE
MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (2004) remake. It could be because
Demme cast Mark Wahlberg (who has been mentioned a lot in these best
and worst lists) in the Cary Grant role, Thandie Newton in the Audrey
Hepburn role and Tim Robbins in the Walter Matthau role. The plot of
the remake is basically the same as the original (the original film's
sole screenwriter Peter Stone is one of four screenwriters of the
remake and he took the pseudonym "Peter Joshua" [the name
of Cary Grant's character in the original], which should tell you
something), but the chemistry is missing between Wahlberg and Newton,
something which was quite evident between Grant and Hepburn in the
original. But don't take my word for it. Buy the special edition
double DVD, which contains widescreen editions of both films and
decide for yourself. You can find it cheap on most online stores that
sell DVDs.
79)
TUCK
EVERLASTING (2002) - Disneyfied version of the Natalie
Babbitt book of the same name, but if you want to see the book done
right (even though the book didn't impress me), than the only way to
see it is the 1981 independent original
directed by Frederick King Keller (who went on to become a popular TV
director) and starring a bunch of amateur actors who never did any
other film. The story is simple: A twelve year-old girl named Winne
Foster (Margaret Chamberlain) takes a walk in the woods and meets 17
year-old Jesse Tuck (Paul Flessa), who brings her back home after
some trepidation to meet his family, headed by Angus Tuck (played by
Keller's father). The Tuck family hold a very dark secret: Somehow
they became immortal and will never age. How Winne handles the secret
is the crux of the story and there's and immortal turtle subplot (in
the book, it was an immortal frog). Yes, the original film runs very
slow and may try some people's patience, but stick with it because I
guarantee you will not have a dry eye after it ends. The Disney
remake makes Winne a few years older (to keep those dreaded
pedophiles from jerking-off in the theater), but the story is not
about romance between a girl and an immortal boy, it's about love of
a family cursed to outlive everyone. I quess the theme got lost on
the remake's screenwriters, because they decided that the romance was
the way to go. If you like truly independent films, find the 1981
version (it's not available on DVD) on VHS at an online auction site
ilke eBay.
80)
BRAVE
NEW WORLD (1998) - Trying to adapt Aldous Huxley's
groundbreaking novel in 87 minutes (it's a TV Movie made for cable)
is like trying to squeeze a boulder through the eye of a needle. It
just doesn't work. Subplots are dropped and major plot points are
glossed over. At least the not-so-perfect 180
minute TV Movie made in 1980 tries a little harder, but filming
a Huxley novel is simply quite hard (if not impossible) to do. Maybe
someone will throw a wheelbarrow-full of money at Peter Jackson when
he is done with his Hobbit films and he will give it a try. Don't
look for either versions on legitimate DVD, because they don't exist,
but they are both available on VHS. It is time for someone to make a
valid remake of the novel because it couldn't be more pertinent than
it is today. Isn't it funny how old science fiction novels slowly
become science fact? Not like all this TWILIGHT/HUNGER
GAMES crap. Teens should be reading Huxley and Rand, not the
authors of these "young adult" novels, who write them so
they will make a mint on selling them for movie rights.
81)
THE
BOURNE IDENTITY (2002) - A lot of people love this series of
films based on the late Robert Ludlum novels (other people are
writing new Bourne novels to keep the movie franchise going) and I
find them entertaining, too, but it started a trend which still goes
on today and pisses me off to no end. Yes, I am talking about the
"shakey-cam" technique used whenever there is a fight or
action scene. It's maddening trying to figure out heads or tails what
the hell is going on in the scenes, therefore I give this film and
the entire series failing marks. I hear people saying, "But,
Fred, why is this in the remake lists at all?" Very simple, my
friends. It was once a
185-minute TV mini-series in 1988, with Richard Chamberlain as
Jason Bourne (!) and Jaclyn Smith as his love interest. As we all
know now, Richard Chamberlain is gay, but Chamberlain is such a good
actor, you forget that aspect of his real life quicker than you
think. I think all these editors brought-up on the quick-cutting of
music video should study the films of the 30's, 40's 50's & 60's,
where scenes ran longer than two seconds without an edit. To see how
well it can be do in a recent movie, check out Tony Jaa's fight on
the circular staircase of the illegal animal restaurant in the
Thailand film THE PROTECTOR
(2005). It is filmed in one unedited take and lasts nearly five
minutes. It's one of the best fight scenes in recent history and
there's no shakey-cam or quick edits to give you a headache.
82)
UNFAITHFUL
(2002) - I would rather stand in front of a mirror and watch my
moustache hairs grow than to view this Adrian Lyne-directed
"romantic thriller' again. You would think with a cast that
includes Richard Gere, Diane Lane and Oliver Martinez, that the film
would at least be watchable, but this remake of the French film, THE
UNFAITHFUL WIFE (1969), directed by Claude Chabrol, is about
as boring as watching a mile-long race between a snail and a turtle.
83)
REPTILIAN
(2001) - Here are the ingredients if you wish to make a lousy giant
monster flick: Take one Korean director/story writer (in this case,
Hyung-rae Shim; DRAGON WARS: D-WAR
- 2007), fill it with 99% American actors (like Harrison Young, Matt
Landers, Brad Sergei and Wiley M. Pickett) and dig out Korean giant
monster Yongary, of the film YONGARY,
MONSTER FROM THE DEEP (1967), spell the monster's name
"Yonggary" for legal reasons and fill the screen with some
of the worst CGI this side of a SyFy Original Film. The giant monster
is mostly a CGI creation, as it shambles down streets destroying CGI
buildings and the American actors speakie the English the way Koreans
think we do. Mix it all together with the utmost of "I don't
care or give a fuck about such things as continuity" and what
you come up with is this stinky fart of a film. My cats have shit
things more interesting than this film and I am being kind. I'll take
the 60's rubber-suited monsters destroying miniature sets any day.
After watching this film, so will you.
84)
DUNE
(2000) - This remake of the 1984 original
directed by David Lynch are both based on the same novel by Frank
Herbert. It was shown in a trunicated version as a mini-series (265
minutes) on the Sci-Fi Channel (now SyFy) shorn of some violence and
all of the nudity, making some of the scenes seem downright strange
(nudity is a very important element in this version, especially
during one scene) and the first U.S. DVD released of this mini-series
was the same as the one shown on the Sci-Fi Channel. The only way to
watch this version is to purchase or rent the Director's Cut DVD
which runs 286 minutes. It restores all the nudity and violence
missing from the American TV version (The British TV version ran 280
minutes). Even with everything restored to its original glory, I
still much prefer the extended 180 minute-plus David Lynch version
(even though Lynch disowns this version). To me, at least, it
contains more heart and soul than the mini-series and the Lynchian
touches abound. The giant worm scenes are also much better because
they are achieved using practical effects and miniature sets rather
than the remake's CGI effects. I've seen the Lynch version at least a
dozen times and always find something new to enjoy about it. Not so
with the remake. I guess it all comes down to personal preference,
because Lynch's version gets a lot of bad press and the mini-series
gets a lot of praise, so much so, that the Sci-Fi Channel immediately
ordered a mini-series sequel, CHILDREN
OF DUNE, which was shown in 2003.
85)
PROOF
OF LIFE (2000) - I know director Taylor Hackford (DEVIL'S
ADVOCATE - 1997) says that this movie is based on a couple
of magazine articles on the kidnapping and ransom trade in Mexico and
other Latin American countries, but for my money, I would have to say
that he and screenwriter Tony Gilroy (THE
BOURNE IDENTITY - 2002) watched the Charles Bronson film BREAKOUT
(1975) one too many times and either unconsciously remade the film or
did it on purpose. Watch the films back-to-back and decide for
yourself. Besides Hackford's film being an overlong 135 minutes, the
similarities between the two films are astounding. I remember when
watching the Hackford film for the first time that a sense of deja vu
came across me until I realized that it was the same exact plot (with
some romance thrown-in the Hackford film to give it the bloated
running time) when I went to bed that night. I pulled out my copy of
the Bronson film (directed by Tom Gries; HELTER
SKELTER - 1976, who died much too young of a heart attack
[while playing tennis] at age 54 in 1977) and, voila!, the deja vu
disappeared and remake fever hit me like a sickness. The Bronson
film, in my opinion, is much more enjoyable and, at 96 minutes, won't
try your patience (Hackford has a tendency to make films that are
overlong). Both films have a roster of fine actors, but the Bronson
film also had the late Sheree North (TELEFON
- 1977) in a large role. I was always in love with Sheree North (who
passed away in 2005) as a teenager and that's why I remembered this
film so quickly after watching Hackford's film.
86)
GODZILLA
(1998) - Toho Films finally relented and allowed the United States to
make their own Godzilla film. What do we do with that responsibility?
Well, if you are director Roland Emmerich, you turn Godzilla into a
generic CGI dinosaur who looks nothing like the Godzilla in the films
that the Japanese started making in 1954
until 1985 (and then picked up once again from the 90's
into the new Millennium, with a streamlined, but recognizable
Godzilla). In this "remake" the faux Godzilla attacks New
York City and it's up to Matthew Broderick, Jean Reno, Maria Patillo
and comic relief Hank Azaria (as a news cameraman) to try to find a
way to get rid of the giant dinosaur. When the faux Godzilla lays
eggs in Madison Square Garden, the film turns into JURASSIC
PARK (1993), where a bunch of baby faux Godzillas attack the
cast. This is the reason Toho Films hold the Godzilla franchise so
near and dear to them, frequently filing lawsuits to those who dare
use the name Godzilla to promote their moneymaker. This film shows
why we should admire Toho, rather than admonish them. This didn't
have to be a Godzilla film at all. It could have been made as a
sequel to the BEAST
FROM 20,000 FANTHOMS (1953) or GORGO
(1961). It would have made more sense, but then it would not have
made the mega-bucks it raked-in at theaters. Godzilla lovers have a
right to be up in arms about this remake. It's a bastardization of
all those films we grew up watching as kids. News Update: Hollywood
will be making a new Godzilla reboot
slated to premiere May 2014 that promises to be more faithful to the
original. It has been garnering more than its share of good reviews,
so it looks like their pick of Gareth Edwards (MONSTERS
- 2010) to direct it was the right decision.
87)
MACON
COUNTY JAIL (1997) - During the mid-90's, producer Roger
Corman was remaking all his popular films from the 50's, 60's &
70's (many for pay cable station Showtime) and this was one of the
last ones, a remake of JACKSON
COUNTY JAIL (1976). This remake (which is actually the
second remake of this film if you count the TV Movie OUTSIDE
CHANCE - 1978) is a pale reflection of the original, even if
it stars Ally Sheedy, David Carradine and Charles Napier, who all
were at career lows when this remake was made. Since the original was
recently released on DVD, there is absolutely no reason to watch this
lousy remake, which is an embarassment to everyone involved
(including the original's screenwriter Donald Stewart, who was
contractually given co-credit for the screenplay to the remake [with
director Victoria Muspratt], even though he didn't write one word for it).
88)
THE
HAUNTING (1999) - Not a bright spot in director Jan De
Bont's career (neither was SPEED
2: CRUISE CONTROL - 1997). While the 1963
original was a classic of implied horror, this remake
leaves little to the imagination, including Owen Wilson being
beheaded (even though the film was rated PG-13). The film is full of
CGI trickery, which spoils what horror there really is. Intelligent
horror films, especially ones dealing with haunted houses, are a
thing of the past. Christ, just plain old intelligent horror film are
hard to find nowadays. Leave some things to the imagination, because
your mind can come up with a lot scarier things than any horror movie
can, something which Jan De Bont failed to understand. If he watched
the original, maybe he would have learned a lesson or two. This
remake is not a bad film, it's just ordinary when compared to the
original, which was directed by Robert Wise, a master director of
many genres, including the original THE
DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (1951), WEST
SIDE STORY (1961) and THE
ANDROMEDA STRAIN (1971).
89)
THE
ANDROMEDA STRAIN (2008) & COMA
(2012) - Speaking of Robert Wise and THE
ANDROMEDA STRAIN (1971), the A&E Network tried to make a
mini-series out of the Michael Crichton novel of the same name
(Crichton passed away the same year the remake was made) and failed
miserably. Where director Robert Wise excelled at creating suspense
about a deadly contagion from a crashed satellite killing an entire
town and an underground laboratory that tries to find a cure for it
(and did it all with a G Rating, something he wouldn't get away with
today, especially the wrist slicing and nothing but the died powdered
blood that pours out of the wound), remake director Mikael Salomon
(who also directed the SALEM'S LOT
- 2004 remake) preys on the fear of a modern post-9/11 society of a
pandemic (Which the news agencies are glad to over-report on, with
nothing much happening in the long run. Think of the "Bird
Flu", "SARS" and "H5N1 Virus" and all the
anxious and exaggerated press they all got. Did you anyone you know
fall victim to any of them?). Then the A&E Network waited four
years to remake COMA (1978), the
movie based on a Robin Cook novel and directed and written by Michael
Crichton. Coincidence? I think not. The original film was a
suspenseful thriller about a doctor who has suspicions that patients
are purposely being killed and having their organs harvested for
transplants to the highest bidders. The remake takes that same
premise and stretches it out to a two-day mini-series. What took 113
minutes to tell in the original suddenly turned into a 240 minute
remake (also directed by Mikael Salomon who, to be fair, directed one
of my guilty pleasures, HARD RAIN
in 1998). In an age where time is important to nearly everyone, who
has the time to watch a mini-series when there is a perfectly good
original available on DVD and it doesn't take up your whole evening?
Or two. Both mini-series were Executive Produced by Ridley Scott and
the late Tony Scott (who committed suicide by jumping off a bridge
for reasons that are still unclear).
90)
RED
DAWN (2009) - Is it possible for a movie to both suck and
blow at the same time? Well, watch this remake of director John
Milius' 1984 original and decide for
yourself. The fact that the remake was made in 2009 (I was unlucky
enough to view it in 2011), but not released to theaters until the
Thanksgiving holiday in 2012 should tell you something (some of the
actors in this film have since become stars in the ensuing years,
including Chris Hemsworth [THOR -
2011]). And to add even more controversy, the remake had the Chinese
invading our country (in the original, it was the Russians and
Cubans), but since they own half our country anyway and we don't want
to insult them (God forbid!), the filmmakers looped out every mention
of China and digitally altered the uniforms and now the invaders are
North Koreans! Fucking North Koreans! They can't even defeat South
Korea! Do yourself a favor and watch the original if you must. I
don't find the original compelling at all, but at least it contained
a roster of actors (Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, C. Thomas Howell,
William Smith, Lea Thompson, Jennifer Grey, Harry Dean Stanton, Ron
O'Neal and Ben Johnson) that kept you entertained in an unbelievable
situation. I mean, c'mon, would our President allow a small town to
be overtaken by a bunch of foreign invaders? I don't think so (Well,
maybe George Bush Jr.).
91) CHILDREN
OF THE CORN (2009) - While the 1984 adaptation of Stephen
King's CHILDREN OF THE CORN
was no great shakes (not to mention the many sequels), this remake of
the original is one of the most aggravating movies I have ever seen,
thanks to the headache-inducing performance of Kandyse McClure as the
wife of a Vietnam veteran (This film takes place in 1975). Her
constant whining and put-downs of her husband (especially her remarks
of calling him a baby and woman killer during his stretch in the
military) made me want to slap her silly and then tear her apart.
She's in the film much too long and when she finally does get killed
by all the children, it's more anti-climatic than satisfying, because
we never really see what they do to her. As a matter of fact, after
she is killed there is no reason to watch the rest of the film
because it is a boring piece of dried-up dog crap. What else did you
expect from a SyFy Original Movie? Originality? The Unrated DVD of
the film promises more graphic gore than the version shown on SyFy,
but I have no desire of ever rewatching this film again. The worst
part of the film is when the main adult protagonist (David Anders) is
running through the corn field to escape the children and has a Nam
flashback that he is being attacked by the enemy . He ends up
stabbing a very young boy in the neck (maybe his wife wasn't wrong)
and kills several more children. The only original idea in this film
is that the children display the town's adult corpses as mannequins
in store windows. Don't expexct to see "He Who Walks Behind the
Rows", just your usual modern day ending where evil wins and the
film is left wide open for a sequel. A sequel that will never happen.
92)
AND SOON THE DARKNESS
(2010) - While this film had some potential in the beginning 15
minutes, it degenerates into a standard serial kidnap thriller that
offers very little surprises. Where director
Robert Fuest's 1970 original was an atmospheric, moody thriller,
this remake offers none of that. The only thing these two films have
in common is two females on bicycles in a foreign country and one of
them disappears. The usually dependable Karl Urban (DREDD
3D - 2012) is wasted in the remake as a man who is searching
for his own girlfriend who has disappeared. Stick with the original
since it is available on DVD from Anchor
Bay Entertainment.
93) APRIL
FOOL'S DAY (2008) - I'm a fan of the directorial team known
as "The Butcher Brothers" (who are actually Mitchell
Altieri and Phil Flores), especially their minor masterpiece THE
VIOLENT KIND (2010), but this reimagining of director Fred
Walton's 1986 film of the same name
(which was marketed so wrong by Paramount Pictures, making it seem
like an 80's gore film instead of the black comedy and social satire
it really was, that it lost money at the boxoffice) is nothing but
your basic stalk 'n' slash DTV horror flick. Sure, there is plenty of
bloody unrated gore, but this film is no different than the hundreds
of slasher films where we have to guess who the killer is after a
prank goes deadly wrong. It's not a badly made horror film, just an
unremarkable one.
94)
OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL
(2013) - This is director Sam Raimi's revisionist version of the
classic 1939 fantasy THE WIZARD OF OZ.
This film concentrates on how a simple magician (James Franco, who
is terribly miscast) becomes the said Wizard of the mystical land of
Oz. While the film is a treat for the eyes, the story leaves much to
be desired and you'll not see any mention of Dorothy, the Cowardly
Lion, the Tin Man or the Scarecrow. What you will see are flying
monkeys, evil and good witches, Munchkins and the Yellow Brick Road.
For all its visual beauty, the sad fact is that a weak screenplay
destroys this film. I'm a huge fan of Raimi, so this was a bitter
letdown. It may be a good film for kids, but adults will be checking
the clock because it runs a bloated 130 minutes. While not a direct
sequel (it's more of a prequel), it does contain enough familiar
characters to make it seem like one.
95)
FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC
(2014) - I'm not a particularly fond fan of the 1987
PG-13 Rated theatrical film of the same name based on V.C.
Andrews' novel, but it looks like a masterpiece of terror when
compared to this Lifetime TV Movie (directed by Deborah Chow). The
story is about a cruel mother and her even crueler grandmother who
keep four kids hidden in the attic so their mother can inherit her
estranged father's fortune (they have since made up, but he can't
stand children). One of the biggest complaints of the original film
is that it ignored the incest angle between the two trapped teenage
brother and sister in the attic. The TV movie takes it a little
further (they kiss while she is wearing her bra and they sleep in the
same bed, but no nudity or mention of intercourse), but the ending is
so ridiculous, it seems like a set-up for an inevitable sequel. At
least the original film ended in a fashion where everything was
settled and the mother and grandmother got their just desserts.
There's none of that in this film. The grandmother (Ellen Burstyn,
who only holds a candle to the original's Louise Fletcher) is left
standing on a darkened staircase yelling for help (Ohhh, how scary)
and the mother (Heather Graham) gets clean away. The three kids (yes,
the younger boy has died from a poisoned donut this time instead of a
poisoned cookie), after spending two years in the attic, instead
steal some money and other valuables, escape the house (with a
newly-installed electric fence) and hop a train to Florida! The
teenage girl's voiceover mentions that one day she hopes to meet-up
with her mother, which screams SEQUEL!!! to me. Do yourself a favor
and just ignore the remake. As a matter of fact, just ignore both of
them (even though the original had more of a gothic feel). A lot of
people like the original. I bet they take this remake as a slap in
the face. (NOTE: February 18, 2014: Lifetime announced a
sequel [starting ten years after the first film] starring nearly
everyone from the first film to be called PETALS
ON
THE WIND that was televised on Memorial Day May 26, 2014.
Karen Moncrieff [THE DEAD GIRL
- 2006] directed, which gives me some hope that this will be better
than the remake.) NOTE #2: Sorry to say that PETALS was
actually worse than its predecessor. NOTE #3: Lifetime dumped
two more (and the last) sequels, IF
THERE BE THORNS and SEEDS
OF YESTERDAY, on consecutive Sundays (April 5 & April
12, 2015) without much fanfare. Needless to say, reviews were not kind.
96)
47 RONIN (2013) - This is
exactly what happens when you let Keanu Reeves star in a movie with
a $175 million budget (It was directed by first-timer Carl
Rinsch in 3-D. What studio in their right mind would give $175
million to a newcomer and let them make a movie?). It turned out to
be the biggest flop of 2013, even beating out Johnny Depp and THE
LONE RANGER (let's not even talk about that crappy
"re-imagining", a word they made up so they can take
liberties with the original legend). While the film is not as bad as
some critics made it out to be, Universal Studios took the film,
re-edited to the mess it is now in its now-118 minute edition and
gave it no press at all, springing it on audiences who knew
absolutely nothing about it (On Christmas Day 2013, no less!).
Universal decided to eat the budget rather than spend any more money
advertising it. It's a shame, because it could of at least made a
little more money if they released some trailers on TV with some of
the more exciting action sequences. The movie has been filmed six
times previously, with the first one being the two-part Japanese THE
47 RONIN (1941), the first part released one week before the
attack on Pearl Harbor. This is also Reeves' second martial arts
films in a little more than a month, with the excreable MAN
OF TAI CHI (which he also directed) opening in the U.S. with
no fanfare in the first week of November 2013. It looks like the
sheen has finally come off Keanu Reeves and it looks like he's going
to finally have to make that BILL
& TED'S
EXCELLENT ADVENTURE (1989) second sequel if he want to get
some of his mojo back, if he can at all. I rather doubt that he can
recover from this fiasco, but stranger things have happened.
97)
OLDBOY (2013) - Director Spike Lee
(Who still advertizes his films as "A Spike Lee Joint". Are
you kidding me?) completely misses the point of director Park
Chan-wook's Korean award-winning 2003 film
of the same name and makes a film that's high on violence, low on
intelligence. The premise is still the same: James Brolin is
imprisoned in a room for reasons unknown for twenty years (in the
original, it was fifteen years) and then is suddenly released (he
wakes up in a trunk in the middle of a field). He then sets out on a
mission of revenge, looking for the person who held him and wanting
to know the reason why he was imprisoned. There are some excrutiating
scenes of hammer violence, but director Lee misses the subtleties of
the original. There is one funny scene where Brolin stares at a squid
swimming in a tank at a restaurant (in the original, the prisoner ate
the squid alive, a scene that shocked many people), but there's not
much to recommend here unless you are a violence junkie. Besides,
those of us who have seen the original know how the film ends and why
America keeps churning out remakes of Asian films still makes me
scratch my head. This film failed miserably at the boxoffice and
rightfully so. Spike Lee keeps saying the filmmaking business is full
of racists (Universal cut his film down from 140 minutes to 105
minutes), but it has been a long time since he has made a good film.
It's about time he looked in the mirror and saw who is really to
blame. Now he has the nerve to ask the public through Kickstarter to
fund his next film. This is a man who owns two mansions. The public
should demand their money back for being forced to sit through this
film. Lee can be talented when he wants to be (I absolutely love SUMMER
OF SAM - 1999, but that was 14 years ago), but he seems to
be coasting as of late.
98)
ROBOCOP (2014) - Whenever I hear
that someone wants to remake a Paul Verhoeven film, all I can do is
shake my head and die a little inside. This remake/reboot of Verhoeven's
1987 classic is just a mere shadow of the original, with Joel
Kinnaman replacing Peter Weller as Officer Alex Murphy in a new
streamlined suit that gives Kinnaman more face time than Weller ever
had. When Brazilian director José Padilha (ELITE
SQUAD - 2007) calls the film "The worst experience of
my life. For every ten ideas I brought to the film, the studio
refused nine.", you know that this was a film directed by
committee, not by a single person. The fact that it is also Rated
PG-13 doesn't help, but even if this film was released on Blu-Ray and
DVD in an R-Rated or Unrated edition (it wasn't), it couldn't even be
considered a pimple on the original's ass. This is remaking at its
worse and should be avoided by all. Even director José Padilha
grew so tired of the Hollywood System of making movies, he went back
to Rio to direct his next film. Doesn't that tell you something? I
call this the "John Woo Syndrome."
99)
ROSEMARY'S BABY (2014) -
Remember what I wrote about remaking a Paul Verhoeven film in the
above ROBOCOP review? Well
multiply that by ten when it comes to remaking a Roman Polanski film.
I may not care for Polanski as a human being (skipping the country to
avoid jail time in the rape of a 13 year-old girl), but the man could
sure make masterpieces when it came to films. Here, NBC makes a four
hour miniseries (with commercials, and plenty of them) of Polanski's
1968 masterpiece of the supernatural about the conception of the
birth of the Devils's son in an apartment complex full of Devil
worshippers. In this remake, Zoe Saldana takes the role originally
created by Mia Farrow and let me just say this: If you refuse to have
your hair cut and decide to have an ill-fitting wig put on your head
instead, your are not committed to your role. There's plenty of
filler in this remake, directed by female Agnieszka Holland, and not
much suspense, which is why it was probably shown during the end of
the regular TV season. The screenplay, by James Wong and Scott
Abbott, takes plenty of liberties with Ira Levin's novel and the
ending is completely different from the original film (it's best not
to show the son of Satan and let your imagination take over as in the
original, but this mini-series doesn't follow that rule). If you want
to sit through four hours of pure tedium and boredom. by all means
watch this remake. All others should have the sense to stay away.
Nobody can out-Polanski Polanski.
100)
LEFT BEHIND (2014) - Well,
here we are at number 100 and wouldn't you know it, it's a Nicolas
Cage movie! This awful $16 million dollar remake of the DTV 2000
film (which spun off 2 sequels) and series of religious novels
by Tim LaHaye & Jerry B. Jenkins has married Cage playing a pilot
who is having an affair with a stewardess (escuse me, flight
attendent) because his wife suddenly has found God (Cage says,
"Well, if she is going to have an affair, it might as well be
with Jesus!"). All around him he see signs and people announcing
that the end of man and the Earth will come shortly, In other words,
The Rapture. It finally happens about an hour into the film when Cage
is piloting a commercial airliner to London (where he and his
mistress plan on going to a U2 concert!) and many of his passengers
just up and disappear. Since the air traffic controller tower and the
airport experiences the same phenomenon (as does the rest of the
world), Cage must find a way to land the plane and find his family to
see if they are OK (now he worries about them!). Cage is downbeat and
underplays the role, which is unusual for him, because he is usually
the one flinging his arms around and acting wildly. This film could
have used that to keep the audience awake, Instead this is a boring,
badly scripted and acted film with awful special effects and even
worse CGI. If this film takes off (pardon the pun) at the boxoffice
(initial reports show that it is doing dismally), there are plans on
making more films in the series, just like they did in the early
Millennium. Director Vic Armstrong is known best as a stuntman (the
only thing that is decent in this film are the stunts, which includes
the tipping of a school bus off a highway and a car crashing into a
mall), but he has directed a handful of features, including the 1993
Dolph Lundgren action film ARMY OF ONE
(a.k.a. JOSHUA TREE), which
is so much better than this piece of religious claptrap (even
religious blogs are panning it). Co-screenwriter Paul LaLonde
produced and wrote the screenplay to the original 2000 film and
recently formed his own religious production company, Stoney Lake
Entertainment, to make faith-based films. This was his first one. If
boxoffice receipts are any indicators, it looks like he will be
making DTV flicks from now on. But these films always make their
budget back from home video sales, so who knows? All I know is the
2000 film (starring Kirk Cameron, who is still churning out
religious-themed films like SAVING
CHRISTMAS - 2014) was no great shakes, but it was told in a
much simpler, more effective way. This one relies on too much
razzle-dazzle and not enough story. Rated PG-13, which is unusual for
faith-based films, so religious parents may not want to take their
kids and brainwash them using this movie as a starting point. The
only things kids will probably learn is that adultery can lead to The
Rapture. And that is just crazy. If that were true, it would have
happened years ago when my first wife cheated on me.
101)
POLTERGEIST (2015) - The
biggest difference between this disappointing remake of the Tobe
Hooper/Steven Spielberg 1982 masterpiece, is that the remake
offers little time for character development. It is only mere minutes
before Eric (Sam Rockwell; THE GREEN MILE
- 1999) and Amy Bowen (Rosemarie DeWitt; THE
WATCH - 2012) and their three kids move into a troubled (as
in supernatural) house in a troubled (as in supernatural)
neighborhood before strange things happen, especially to their little
6 year-old girl Madison (Kennedi Clements; I guess using the name
"Carol Anne" would have been an insult to the memory of
dearly departed Heather O'Rourke), who talks to the closet in her
bedroom (which causes hair to rise with static electricity when they
touch the door handle, but they are unable to open it.) and puts her
hands on a static-filled 60" HDTV (Is static even a thing with
high definition?) before telling everyone in the family "They're
here!" And then a few minutes later pre-teen son Griffin (Kyle
Catlett) is attacked by a clown doll in his bedroom and is grabbed by
a tree branch through his window. Then teenage daughter Kendra (Saxon
Sharbino) begins to hear strange things on her iPhone and sees the
ground outside their house turn to bubbling mud, while Madison
follows a stuffed walking teddy bear (with a horn in the middle of
its head!) into the closet and gets sucked into another dimension.
All this happens within the first 35 minutes and it only made me want
to watch the original all the more. I remember when Craig T. Nelson
and JoBeth Williams smoked a joint in their bedroom in the original
film and acted like parents you would want to have (Also missing is
the JoBeth Williams scene of supernaturally traveling the bedroom
walls and ceiling in her panties, as well as one of the
parapsychologists tearing away at his face in the mirror. All we get
is to see one of them almost get punctured with an electric drill.).
Here, the usually excellent Sam Rockwell has zero chemistry with
Rosemarie DeWitt and it hurts the film most of all. Yes, there are
state of the art special effects in this film (as far as a PG-13
Rating will let them go), but when they hire a group of
parapsychologists to clean the house, are unsuccessful and decide
they need to turn to a TV parapsychologist named Carrigan Burke
(Jared Harris; THE WARD - 2010;
the best thing about this film), the ex-husband of parapsychologist
Dr. Brooke Powell (Jane Adams; THE
BRAVE ONE - 2007; in one of the few differences in the films)
to cleanse the house and get Madison back, it just all seemed too
familiar to hold the interest of anyone who grew up with the
original. Also missing is the James Karen character subplot of the
first film. This new version seems to be made for the "I want it
now and I want it fast!" teenage crowd, who probably never saw
the original. Director Gil Kenan (CITY
OF EMBER - 2008) and screenwriter David Lindsay-Abaire (OZ
THE GREAT AND POWERFUL - 2013) seemed to have taken the
original premise (so much so that all the writers of the original
film get screen story credit) and condensed it as much as they could
to still make sense (there was an extended cut on disc which added 8
minutes to the theatrical cut's 93 minutes, but it doesn't amount to
much). All it was to me was a waste of time. And it will be to all
the fans of the original film. Sometimes a little humanity and
humility go a long way in a film. This one has none. The fact that
Sam Raimi was one of the Producers only makes it all the more shameful.
102)
DA SWEET BLOOD OF JESUS
(2014) - Spike Lee's lousy remake of GANJA
& HESS (1973). To read my thoughts on this insipid
crowdfunded remake of a 70's classic, click HERE.
103)
GHOSTBUSTERS (2016) - Let me
be a male chauvinist pig for a moment and say this all-female version
of the 1984 classic sucks balls.
Not only do the female cast (Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Kate
McKinnon and the awful Leslie Jones) have about as much chemistry as
oil and water, the story is a rip-off of the original film, but if it
was written by a five year-old with autism. The comedy is well below
Ms. McCarthy's standards and the film came and went in the boxoffice
because even audience members knew a turd when they smelled it. And
this one smells worse than that. Shame on director/co-screenwriter
Paul Feig for letting this film be released in the state it was in
(some of the effects looked unfinished and some scenes just end and
another begins without any connective tissue). Filling the film with
cameos by Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd and Annie Potts from the first
film was pure desperation that didn't add up to much and I can
imagine Harold Ramis turning over in his grave. And when Al Roker
plays himself like he does in the SHARKNADO
films, you know this is not going to be anything worth watching. Let
me put it this way: This is supposed to be a comedy and I didn't
laugh once. This film was released in July of 2016 and as of
September 25, 2016 the film only made $127 million of its $140
million budget in the U.S. (and that's not counting promotion, TV
commercials and film distribution costs), so it can't be considered a
blockbuster (and there probably won't be a sequel like the 1989
film from the original film). The Blu-Ray offers 17 more minutes
of insufferable footage to a film that seems like a lifetime to
finish. I wouldn't wish this remake on my worst enemy.
104)
POINT BREAK (2015) - This
PG-13 remake of the R-Rated 1991 original
has some great stunts, all done by experts in their field (skydiving,
motocross, climbing cliffs without ropes, diving off cliffs with
"flying suits" and parachutes, snowboarding and, of course,
surfing) and shot all over the world, all done with a minimum of
green screen or CGI (just like the original), but it is missing one
thing that the original version had in spades: an emotional core.
This new version deals with a group of eco-terrorists who rob banks
and businesses and then hand the money they stole over to the poor
(they skydive out of a plane and drop millions of dollars into a
small Mexican town). They also have no problem killing anyone who
gets in their way, so the FBI has Utah (Luke Bracey, the role created
by Keanu Reeves in the original), who lost a friend in a motocross
accident in (where eles?) Utah six years earlier when they were
showing off in the mountains (probably the film's best scene), to
infiltrate the gang, led by Bodhi (Édgar Ramírez, who
is no Patrick Swayze). Almost the rest of the story has been retooled
from the original, as Bodhi is an adrenaline junkie who has a plan of
8 stunts he and his team are to pull off after every robbery. Gone is
the memorable extended footchase that Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze
went through in the original (They have a short footchase in this
film, but Utah ends up killing the only female member of the group,
since they were all on motorcycles and wearing helmets (in a tribute
to the original, the helmets had pictures of Presidents on them,
since Swayze and his gang robbed banks while wearing rubber President
masks in the original). The relationship between Utah and Bodhi in
this version doesn't come close to Reeves and Swayze in the original,
who became good friends even though Utah knew he was going to have
arrest Bodhi soon (The new Utah doesn't have a bum knee like the
original Utah, but there is a scene mirroring the original where Utah
has a chance to shoot Bodhi, but decides against it and screams as he
shoots an entire clip into the air. That is really the only other
"tribute" to the original film, even if the ending is
similar). Director Ericson Core has a good eye for showing the stunts
to maximum effect (he was also the cinematographer; a lot of people
were hurt performing these stunts), but there is no comparison when
placed side-by-side with the original. The stunts may be more
dangerous, but the story rings hollow. Ray Winstone plays the same
guy Gary Busey does in the original, except he gets to live here
(Busey's death was one of the things in the original that made Utah
chase Bodhi for the next two years, but the remake just makes Utah
chase Bodhi because it is his job.) While not a bad film per se, it
is very inferior when compared to the original and bombed at the
boxoffice both here and abroad, earning a measly $28 million in the
U.S. on a $105 million budget. The film made approximately $133
million worldwide, but that is considered a major money loser. You
can buy a DVD/Blu-Ray with both films on it, so you can compare for
yourself. Some may find it a good film just for the stunts, but the
story is very poor and disappointing. And quit remaking R-Rated films
with inferior PG-13 remakes. While there is a lot of gunfire in this
new version, there is no blood to be seen. They just fall down when
shot. What's the point?
105)
CABIN FEVER (2015) - OK, now
will someone tell me who wanted practically a word for word remake
(or as they rather call it, a "reboot") of director Eli
Roth's 2002 horror flick CABIN FEVER?
Well it seems like director Travis Zariwny (who uses the name
"Travis Z" here) and screenwriter Randy Pearlstein (who
used most of Eli Roth's script verbatim) filmed their own version of CABIN
FEVER in 2015, with Eli Roth's blessing (he is one of this
film's Executive Producers and puts in an uncredited cameo) and made
this idiotic piece of deja vu, only with worse actors and some comedy
that falls flatter than a ten year-old girl's chest. The only real
difference between the two films is the opening of the new one, where
a guy camping out in the woods returns with a dead rabbit and tells
his dog that they now have dinner. He turns the dog over and it
sprays him in the face with blood. The dog's name? PanCakes (a take
off on a certain scene in the original). The rest of the film is
basically an exact retread of the original, only with two
differences: 1.) Instead of the partying cop Detective Winston
(Giuseppe Andrews), this films does a gender reversal and Detective
Winston is now a female partying cop, played by Louise Linton (who
gets less screen time than Giuseppe) and 2.) instead of the group
having a single-shot rifle, they now have a fully automatic rifle
(Stupid gun laws. How does an older teenager get his hands on a full
auto?). This film also ups the gore factor than the 2002 film, but
the original was much better acted and we never knew what was going
to happen (and it was gory enough), only here, 13 years later, we
know EXACTLY what is going to happen. No surprises, nothing new. Oh,
and it completely omits the old man in the backwoods store and his
iconic line to the three black people who walk into his store at the
finale (We have to be politically correct now and it pisses me off!).
Instead, they substitute a scene that leaves this film wide open for
a sequel that I hope never happens. It makes me wonder why this film
was greenlit so soon after the original. It is Rated R, so anyone
born in 2002 would still not be legally able to see it without a
parent or guardian, Sometimes it boggles the mind that people would
remake a film that already had two sequels
and do it so soon (one sequel was made a year before this film!).
Doesn't anyone have an original idea in their heads? If you feel you
must see this film, remember one thing: It went the basic limited
theater/VOD route in 2016 before being dumped on Home Video and Cable
TV. If you haven't seen the original film, I would recommend that you
watch that one instead because it was a quasi-hit back in 2002 and
for a reason. It was somewhat original in its ideas and was acted so
much better than this one. This new reboot is for masochists only.
Especially if you have seen the original. This reminds me so much as
when director Gus Van Sant tried to remake Alfred Hitchcock's PSYCHO
(1960) word-for-word, scene-for-scene in 1998.
Just like this film, it stank, it bombed and all because the
directors and actors didn't have the talent to pull it off.
106)
NIGHT OF THE WILD
(2015) - Nature run amok films are one of my favorite sub-genres of
horror films and director Eric Red usually makes good films (BODY
PARTS - 1991; BAD MOON
- 1996), but when NIGHT OF
THE WILD (2015) involves The Asylum (The SHARKNADO
films) and tries its hardest to mimic director Robert Clouse's THE
PACK (1977), you have nowhere to go but down. This was
originally made for SyFy, which should give you a good idea what you
are in for. In Clouse's film, pet dogs turn feral and form packs when
tourists visit a small vacation island and leave the dogs there to
fend for themselves when they leave. In Red's film, a small town
experiences a meteor shower and a mysterious green meteor hits near
town, forcing all dogs (no other animals, just dogs) to turn into
vicious, teeth-showing and drooling killing machines (a seeing-eye
dog drags his blind master into the middle of the road, where he is
hit by a car.). Town citizens, including Dave (Rob Morrow, a long way
from TV's NUMB3RS
- 2005-2010), Sara (Kelly Rutherford; SCREAM
3 - 2000) and a bunch of other residents try to outrun all
the murderous dogs that use to be their pets (there is one small dog
that seems to be unaffected), only to be picked-off one by one by the
bloodthirsty dogs (a mixture of physical effects, real dogs and awful
CGI). Their only choice is to make it to a plane at the small airport
on the outskirts of town and only four people make it (Thank God; the
plane couldn't fit more than four people and a tiny dog!) and take
off just in the nick of time. They fly to another town hundreds of
miles away and, as they get to the plane, discover that they are
surrounded by drooling dogs ready to use them as chew toys. It looks
like the entire world now has a severe vicious dog problem. THE END.
All I can say is Eric Red (who has said he tried to shoot this film
with the same color gel lighting as Dario Argento's SUSPIRIA
- 1977!) must have needed the work because this film contains none of
his regular suspenseful scenes (even the other THE PACK copy,
2006's THE BREED, was much more
entertaining than this) and since this was made for TV (Rated TV-14),
there is some blood and minimal gore, but not enough to make you take
notice as much as you will notice The Asylum's crappy CGI. If you
want to remake a film that offers thrills and bloody situations
galore, do not make it for TV. A film like this needs to be made for
theaters or DTV. Of course, The Asylum released this on DVD as being
"Unrated" because DVDs do not usually use TV ratings
(unless they are TV Series Season box sets). If you watch this film,
you will find it hard to believe that Eric Red wrote the screenplays
for THE HITCHER (1986), NEAR
DARK (1987) and COHEN
AND TATE (1988). Oh my non-bloody hell, what a stinker!
107)
THE AWAKENING (1980) - No, this
is not a New Millennium film, but I feel I have to say something
about it. This film, based on the Bram Stoker 1903 Nove1 "THE
JEWEL OF THE SEVEN STARS" was villified by critics and
rightfully so. What critics failed to mention was that Hammer Film's THE
BLOOD FROM THE MUMMY'S TOMB (1971) was filmed 9 years
earlier and is based on the same novel. The only thing the 1980 film
has in its favor is the beautiful photography of Egypt done by late
master cinematographer Jack Cardiff (GHOST
STORY - 1981). Charlton Heston as the obsessed archaeologist
and the rest of the cast of this abomination reminds me somewhat of THE
OMEN (1976; there's a scene where Susannah York falls out of
a building and a shard of glass falls and impales her in the neck.),
but without any coherent story and an ending that leaves you
scratching your head. It just ends when the story should be
beginning. Even the worst Hammer Films had to offer wasn't this bad.
TCM showed both of these movies back-to-back on 09/17/17 and it was
apparent what film was the clear winner.
108)
FLATLINERS (2017) - This
watered-down remake of director Joel
Schuacher's 1990 original rightfully bombed at the boxoffice.
While I really didn't care much for Schumacher's version, this 2017
remake will tax anyone's patience. The original film was Rated R and
the new version is Rated PG-13, so most of the violence is missing
and, although the story is the same basically the same, it makes a
huge difference. A group of medical students, this time headed by the
over-rated actress Ellen Page, medically induce death in their
fellow students so they can experience what is on "the other
side", and then are revived a short time later. The longer they
are "dead" the more vivid the experience is, so some of the
students decide to be dead past the allotted time and they bring
something back from their childhood. Why in the world would Kiefer
Sutherland decide to put a cameo in this? Yes, he was in the original
"Brat Pack" film, but he adds nothing to the proceedings
(he doesn't even play the same character!). Director Niels Arden
Oplev, who directed the original Swedish version of THE
GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2009) doesn't seem to
understand the material he was handed. Here, the story is so muddled,
that it would make a saint look at his watch. Avoid at all costs!
Here's
the cold hard truth and many Muslims won't like what I have to say.
To kill anyone under the pretense that a film abused their religion
and their diety is just cowardly and dastardly. The truth of the
matter is that the notorious badfilm "INNOCENCE
OF MUSLIMS" is just that: a bad film. To blame a bad
film furiously enough to kill innocent U.S. citizens abroad is about
as bad as it gets (And a big "good job" to YouTube for
refusing to pull the 12 minute clip of the film, even though they
were pressured by our own government; many of the politicians
stupidly thinking that this film is to blame for what went on in the
Middle East). It does not help your cause to portray Muslims as
peace-loving people, then kill Americans and it does not sit well
with the rest of of the non-Muslim world. If every film that
portrayed Christianity in a bad light were to cause the same
backlash, every member of Monty Python would be dead, as well as
Martin Scorcese. Now Iran is boycotting the Academy Awards because of
this really bad film (supposedly directed by Alan Roberts of PANORAMA
BLUE [1974], YOUNG
LADY CHATTERLY [1977] and KARATE
COP [1991] fame, who says he was unaware that all the
anti-Muslim dialogue was looped-in after he finished the film by
Muslim-hating producer Sam Bacile [one of the many aliases of Coptic
Christian Nakoula Basseley Nakoula, who is now under federal arrest
for violating his parole agreement for putting the clip on YouTube,
since part of his parole agreement was that he not use the Internet
for five years. Egypt has now sentenced him to a death
sentence in absentia. This is the kind of bullshit that goes on in
the Middle East! Don't try and tell me it's a "cultural
thing". It's stupidity in the name of religion at its worst.])
and all I have to say is this: Good! Any country that continually
wants to destroy Israel and the Jews should not be allowed to
participate in any free world business and that includes their nutjob
leaders being allowed to come to New York and the United Nations and
spread their anti-Israel bullshit in front of leaders of other
countries (many who walk out as soon as they take the podium). Here's
my suggestion: Move the United Nations to Iran or Syria and see how
long it lasts there. America is truly the land of the free and that
includes freedom to say what you want about religion (How else do we
explain the continuing abuse by the late Fred Phelps' religious nut
of a church [Westboro Baptist Church] against gays and protesting at
American soldiers' funerals?) or anything else for that matter, but
that does not include killing people because they disagree or make
fun of your religion. Muslims think that killing Americans abroad is
the answer for the release of a bad film (Or at least that is what we
were first told. It turns out the killings at the American Embassy in
Syria was a terrorist attack and had nothing to do with the film.).
And this includes Muslims in America who are legal citizens. I'm sure
there are plenty of good Muslims all over the world, but if you want
the rest of the free world to change their mind, you have to speak-up
against all this violence. So far, I have not heard a peep, not even
when I asked my Muslim neighbors about it (They would rather not talk
about it. Saying nothing is the same as saying that you approve of
the killings, in my opinion). Mark my words, we will be going to war
against Iran within five years and when we do, we should kick-out
every Muslim in this country. I know my stance sounds too unrealistic
(and some may say racial, but so be it), but film is just that: Film.
There is no justification in the world to kill Americans (or any
other nationality), burn the American flag, issue death sentences and
storm U.S. Embassys abroad because of a movie. I don't care if you
think your religion allows it. Your religion is wrong. I'm glad I'm
an Athiest. I'm not offended by anything except people who think
their religion is the answer and try to force it down other people's
throats, going as far as killing innocent people to prove it. This is
not about understanding someone else's faith; it's about knowing that
killing a human being over a film that portrays the Prophet Mohammed
in a bad light is just plain wrong. Innocence Of Muslims indeed. We
are now living in perilous times, when forces we train in Afghanistan
to act as the new militia turn against us and kill the American
soldiers who trained them, so lets pull all our soldiers out of the
Middle East and let them fight amongst themselves. But as soon as
they target Israel, we should hit these countries with every weapon
we have. Every country has a right to exist, but there is no reason
they have to put up with Muslim bullshit. And to all those who think
I am Jewish because my name is Fred Adelman, all I can say is that
you are wrong. I am of German/Irish ancestry without a drop of Jewish
blood in my body, so my views about Muslims have nothing to do with
being a Jew. It's about being a proper human being with a conscience. ADDENDUM:
I just saw the pictures of the Palestine rebels in Gaza dragging a
supposed "Israeli spy" on their motorcycles after they
killed him and three others without even a trial. How are we supposed
to deal with these people when they have no value on human life?
They
are lower than any animal, insect or reptile on this planet. They
hide behind their own citizens after shelling Israel with rockets and
then complain that Israel killed innocent civilians when they
retaliate. They are nothing but spineless cowards. UPDATE: A
U.S. judge says that YouTube does not have to pull the 12 minute
video clip from their site, citing freedom of information, squashing
a claim by one of the film's actresses that her lines were looped
without her knowledge and therefore the clip must be removed.
Meanwhile, the U.N. practically kisses the Palestines' asses by
making them an "almost" state (they have no U.N. power,
yet), but take my word for it, the only country that will suffer
because of it is Israel. Shame, shame on the United Nations. Their
horns are showing. It seems there are spineless cowards everywhere.
Palestines never existed until the country of Israel was formed, so
they aren't even a real nation of people. All they are really are a
bunch of Jewish-hating people who would rather see Israel blown off
the map than to let them exist. Yet Israel lets Palestines work and
walk amongst them. That is the sign of a true sovereign nation. If
the U.N. allows Palestines to form their own country, it will only be
another place that will cause trouble for Israel. Now, I'm not saying
every Palestine person is like that (the years have softened some of
them to "live and let live"), but the true mission of
Palestine the nation is to kill Israel and blow it off the map. UPDATE
#2: February 28. 2014: A higher court has made YouTube remove
the video because of a lawsuit brought on by the actress in the short
that said she never knew the film was going to be anti-Muslim. So let
me get this straight: Muslims can use their own versions of YouTube
to show the beheadings of American soldiers, journalists and other
people they deem against their religion, but the lame-ass U.S.
judicial system demands that YouTube pull the video from its roster
because some actress of no note says she was duped. YouTube is
fighting the court's decision and this will not be the end of the
story. One gets the feeling that the actress (Cindy Lee Garcia)
doesn't want to be the star of one of the radical Muslims beheading
videos. Or she wants money for her "pain and suffering".
She doesn't know what suffering is. If she could, she should ask all
the beheaded people the suffering they went through before their
heads were seperated from their bodies by these Muslim infidels. Fuck
her and fuck the judicial system for letting this happen. I hope
YouTube comes out the winner here. More as the story develops.
I
just watched JOHN CARTER
(OF MARS) (2012) and I enjoyed it immensely. Boy, was this
film marketed wrong for theaters. I put the (OF MARS) part of
the title in parenthesis because that's the name they gave the film
at the beginning of the closing credits (Early advance posters
used the "Mars" title or simply used a "JCM"
logo, which probably confused people even more). At the beginning of
the film, it is simply known as JOHN
CARTER. I don't know why Disney released the film with this
moniker, because the teen audience it was made for (it's rated PG-13)
would have no idea that this film was based on an Edgar Rice
Burroughs story called "A Princess Of Mars" and wouldn't
know who the hell John Carter was. If they added the Mars part to the
opening title of the film (and the advertising materials), I believe
the film would not have been much of the flop that it turned out to
be in theaters (it lost tens of millions of dollars) because there is
a real interest in Mars right now, with the successful landing of the
latest Mars rover. Taylor Kitsch (who reminds me of a young Timothy
Olyphant) is good as John Carter and the CGI effects are better than
you find in most films (I think even better than AVATAR
- 2009). I especially liked the Martian "dog" who followed
John Carter around (Jesus, that dog could move fast!) and the flying
machines that looked like giant dragon flies. Since this takes place
in the late 19th Century, it gives the story a little more punch than
if it were set during modern times. Don't blame
director/co-screenwriter Andrew Stanton (of Pixar fame; this is his
first live-action feature) for the film's failure because if Disney
hired a good public relations team, they would have had a winner on
their hands rather than a financial disaster (Rumor has it that
Disney insisted that the word "Mars" be removed from the
title because of thier under-performing animated feature MARS
NEEDS MOMS in 2011 or that Stanton wanted the word removed
because most films with "Mars" in the title never fared
very well and he wanted to reach a "broader" audience.
While Stanton's claim may be true about the Mars thing, I can't see
the title "John Carter" reaching a broader audience.).
Catch it on DVD or cable (it is now playing on the Starz Networks)
when you can because I have seen a lot worse science fiction/fantasy
films make more money at the box office. This film deserves more
attention. Of course, The Asylum
made their own ultra-cheap version of this film, using Burroughs'
almost original title PRINCESS
OF MARS (2012; they probably left out the word "A"
to keep Burroughs' estate from suing them), set it during modern
times, used their usual dime-store CGI effects and had Antonio Sabato
Jr. and Traci Lords star in it! UPDATE: I just watched Taylor Kitsch
in his other big-budget disaster BATTLESHIP
(2012) and, again, I must say I enjoyed the film. Sure, it was full
of plot holes (Aliens want to take over Earth, but are compromised by
sunlight?), based on a Hasbro board game (which really doesn't have a
plot) and was overlong at 131 minutes (But what blockbuster isn't?),
but it was still a fairly exciting sci-fi/action film and director
Peter Berg (THE RUNDOWN - 2003)
managed to keep things interesting for the full running time. I
particularly enjoyed the little remarks by the cast that related to
the board game and the alien designs were quite interesting (humanoid
in form with porcupine-like spikes for goatees), as were the alien
weapons, especially the circular balls that buzz-sawed through
everything. Ah, I must be getting easy to please in my old age.
1)
I threw up once in a movie theater. I was out on a date and we went
to see director Brian De Palma's CARRIE
in 1976. The only seats we could get were in the front row (my date
was high-maintenance and we were late getting to the theater). When
the sequence came on during the prom where the camera was swirling
around in a circle when Sissy Spacek and William Katt were dancing
(for what seemed like hours), I really got sick to my stomach and
excused myself to go to the bathroom. I puked my guts out and when I
returned to my seat, my date was gone! I never saw her again. The
only other time I came close to throwing up was during THE
BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999). All the "shakey-cam"
photography made me nauseous, but I was able to keep the popcorn and
Coke in my stomach, but I went home with a huge headache. The same
thing nearly happened to me when I was watching CLOVERFIELD
(2007). This is why I hate "found footage" films, although
I did find CHRONICLE (2012)
and FRANKENSTEIN'S
ARMY (2013) entertaining because all the shakey camerawork
was kept to a minimum. My advice is to sit as far away from the
screen when watching these type of films. Believe me, it does make a difference.
2)
There is a reason this web site and the previous zine it was based on
is called "Critical Condition". It's not just a play on
words, but because I was declared legally dead three times (not
including that stupid FaceBook thing). The first time was when I was
riding a dirt bike down a previously unknown trail when I was a teen
and I rode it over a cliff, with the motorcycle landing on me.
Luckily, the guys I were with went and got the police (this was way
before cellphones), who then got the ambulance. I woke up three days
later to find out that I was declared legally dead by the paramedics,
but they eventually got my heart started after about four minutes. I
did manage to break my back and was in a full body cast for six
months. The second time I fell 30 feet out of a tree and landed on
concrete when I tried to retrieve someone's kite. Again, I was
declared legally dead, but the paramedics were able to get my heart
started. I went to the hospital and got x-rays and had no broken
bones. I was released the same day. The third time I can't mention
because it is still classified, but I wouldn't wish it on my worst
enemy. Maybe someday I will be able to tell the story (and I don't
care if William Wilson believes me or not).
3)
I have written three books, but none of them have been published. The
first book, entitled "Voices In The Water" is an
autobiographical tale of all the supernatural stuff that has happened
to me during my life. It was supposed to be published by a major book
company, but they dropped it when the recession hit a few years ago.
I still have hope it will be published some day. I told some of the
stories on a film forum (which shall remain nameless, because I was
banned from there twice!), including my meeting with Mothman (it's
also in the first "Weird New Jersey" book) and "The
Case Of The Ghostly Quarter" and got some good feedback, so you
never know. My second book was about spending my time at local
"grindhouses" during my teens and early twenties and it is
titled "It's Called A Movie Theater" and is more about my
adventures at these theaters than the film themselves. I wrote this
book more for me than anyone else, just in case I start to forget
things later in my old age and have not submitted it to anyone. The
third book, "Count Your Blessings", is a fictional novel
about religion and what it does to a group of friends over a period
of ten years. There's some autobiographical stuff in there (the
Athiest in the book is based partly on me and a devout Catholic girl
who has an affair with a married man is based on someone I know) and
I'm proud about the way it turned out. Believe me, if this book ever
saw the light of day in bookstores, it would be picketed by every
religious group known to man. That would be fine with me. Addendum:
I finally finished my fourth book "There's Only Room 4-1",
which I have been working on for 20 years and finally came up with
what I think is the perfect ending (Believe it or not, it came to me
in a dream). I can guarantee this novel will not be making fans of
people of the religious persuasion, but the people I have loaned
drafts to said they couldn't put it down. Now if I only could find a
publisher, because self-publishing books (not magazines) leads
nowhere and I don't want to be one of those crazy people on FaceBook
who reply to every message with, "Buy my ebook!". I have
good feelings about this one and it would make a perfectly strange
movie that I can guarantee no one has never witnessed before.
4)
I was once bitten by a spider while sleeping. It was just an ordinary
house spider, but I must have swatted and killed it in my sleep. It
bit me on the opposite side of my right elbow and within two days it
got so bad (the bump was the size of a grapefruit!) that I had to be
taken to the hospital (I couldn't bend my arm). They drained the
wound and I was back to normal within a day, but I still have a fear
of small spiders (Surprisingly, I have no problem handling large
spiders like tarantulas or even black widows). I was told that no
matter where you are, even if you are on an airplane, you are no
farther than three feet from a spider. That just makes my skin crawl.
5)
I hate holidays and the greed and avarice it brings out in people. I
especially feel sorry for people who work in retail stores and have
to work during Thanksgiving and Christmas. I remember when there was
no "Black Friday" or "Cyber Monday". People just
did their shopping and that was it. Now, entire families go without
their Thanksgiving and Christmas turkeys or ham to wait hours (or
days!) on long lines for deals that seem too good to be true (and
every year these stores open earlier and earlier). The only thing
these "deals" are doing is breaking down the family
dynamic. Is it no wonder that kids today feel entitled to everything?
If retail stores were smart, they would offer these same deals
starting in June or July and make more money and stop complaining
about poor sales during the Summer. Christ, I can't get one kid to
come to my apartment door during Halloween because their parents are
worried that everyone they don't know are pedophiles. These are the
same kids that are going to run our country one day. When I was a
kid, me and my friends would spend hours on our own collecting candy
from strangers. That's not to say my parents wouldn't inspect my haul
when I came home and throw away stuff that was suspect (especially
apples), but at least we were outside as a group having fun. Kids
today spend too much time in front of the TV playing video games
believing playing their Nintendo Wii or X-Box 360 will make them fit.
Fit for what? Not running this country, that's for sure. From the
middle of November to the end of the year, I do all my shopping
(including food) on the internet because I don't want to have to deal
with kids saying "I hate you!" to their parents because
they won't buy them something. If I ever said that to my mother or
father when I was a kid, I wouldn't be able to sit down for a week.
6) PHANTASM
(1979) is my favorite movie of all time and I must have watched it
over 200 times. I can still remember the first time I saw this film
at the Fabian Theater in Paterson, N.J. and the crowd going wild
during some of the scenes. I'm not a religious person, but I
understand how they feel when "God" talks to them. This
film is as close to a religious experience that I have ever felt.
Everything just seemed to work for me. Yeah, I know the film is
nothing but an amalgam of earlier horror films, but "The Tall
Man" and the flying silver spheres were some of the most
frightening things I had seen at the time. I do enjoy the sequels,
but there's nothing to compare to the original.
7)
There's nothing more that I hate than directors fucking around with
their films long after they have played theaters. George Lucas added
more "modern" special effects to the first three STAR
WARS films (and changed some dialogue so they would jive
with his next three chapters) and Steven Spielberg digitally erased
guns from some government agents' hands and replaced them with walkie
talkies in E.T. - THE
EXTRA TERRESTRIAL (1982). THE EXORCIST
(1973) has gone through so many different versions, that the original
theatrical version is nearly impossible to find. Even beloved books
aren't exempt from such tampering, like "Huckleberry Finn"
by Mark Twain, where new editions of the novel replace the character
of "Nigger Jim" with just "Jim". Revisionist
History seems to be the newest fad, so our kids will now grow up not
knowing what is real and what is altered. What does this actually
accomplish? Will somebody please tell me?
8)
I have two cats, Allie (the female) and Gator (the male) and I love
them more than most of the people I know. I call them my
"kids" because that's exactly what they are, my children.
The funny thing is, when I was growing up, I couldn't stand cats. I
always had a dog. But since I moved from a house to an apartment in
the mid-80's and dogs are not allowed, I went to a shelter to get a
cat during the early 90's to give to my ex-wife as a Christmas
present (she was pestering me for nearly a year to get a cat, but I
didn't want one). My wife soon became extremely ill and spent several
months in the hospital, which meant every time I came home after
visiting my wife, I had to feed the cat. The cat, a male we called
Scooter (after Phil Rizzuto of the N.Y. Yankees), would spend the
whole night by my side, eventually laying on my lap every chance he
got. We really connected and I needed that, even though I'm sure he
knew I wasn't too keen on cats. Scooter changed my mind (he passed
away of feline leukemia in 1997 and I was sad for months and still
think about him all these years later) and when my wife finally came
home, she discovered that Scooter was no longer hers, so I went out
and picked up another rescue cat for her, a male we called Bailey.
That cat also passed away late in the 90's. Now that I live alone
with my two cats, I couldn't be happier because they both give me
nothing but unconditional love, something a human is incapable of
doing (I nearly lost Gator to diabetes, but I give him a shot of
insulin every morning and now he is fine). The trick is to get a
rescue cat when they are kittens so you can condition them to act the
way you want them to. You also have to show them affection and
attention so they don't become too independent and ignore you. Both
of my cats (who are "indoor" felines because you don't want
them getting hurt outside, especially where I live) love to play
"fetch" with their toy mice (I throw the mouse, they run
and get it and drop it at my feet) and they spend most of their other
time sleeping on my lap or on the bed next to me. Happiness truly is
a warm pussy.
9)
I really don't have any enemies, but I firmly believe that William
Wilson is a horse's ass. I don't know what his agenda is or what he
has against me, but he continually keeps making veiled comments about
me on a certain forum I use to belong to (and it all pertains to my
Facebook account being hacked, which really had nothing to do with
him). Why don't you take a look at yourself in the mirror William or
do you think you are perfect and can randomly judge people without a
shred of proof? What exactly is your problem with me? Or do you think
that there is no room for competition? I hope you don't get sick and
have people call you a fraud. I don't work that way, but it's
apparent you do. To see how ridiculous Wilson can get, check out his
letter to Alternative Cinema Magazine in Issue #2 Summer 1994 HERE
and J.R. Bookwalter's response.
10)
I hate weathermen/women. Predicting the weather is like a
sportscaster telling you the score of a game before it is even
played. If a weatherman/woman is right 15% of the time, I consider
that a decent percentage. Now, to cover their tracks, most TV
weathermen/women give the viewer alternate scenarios on what
tomorrow's weather could be like, depending on where two or more
systems will meet. I quit depending on them a long time ago. They are
about as useless as tits on a rock.
Since I just rejoined Facebook and have been out of the loop for a while, my friend Mario Dominick has informed me that filmmaker Andy Copp has passed away and he took his own life on January 19, 2013. Andy and I never met in person, but we traded many films and talked for hours on the Internet. I know he didn't have the very best upbringing and continuing heart problems and the loss of his mother a couple of years ago really took a toll on him. He always had suicidal thoughts ever since I have known him (we always talked about my second wife's father's suicide and another at my place of work and the feelings I had for both of them), but when he was behind a camera, it was cathartic for him. His trouble getting funding for his last film could have been a trigger for his suicide (I can only speculate), but when you take your own life, it hurts everyone who has known and loved him, including myself. I only wish Andy could have been recognised as the major talent he really was and my thoughts go out to everyone who knew and loved him. R.I.P. Andy. I can only hope you are happy where you are. You deserved happiness. The terrible horror film, BABYSITTER MASSACRE (2013), is dedicated in loving memory to him. I consider that an insult to Andy's work ethic and personality.
Why
is it that pay cable has the best TV shows on air right now? Sure,
they are allowed to show full frontal nudity, extreme violence and as
much foul language as they please, but even without those
accoutrements, these shows are vastly superior to any series on
regular TV right now. HBO started the trend many years ago (Remember 1ST
& TEN [1985 - 1991, with O.J. Simpson & Christopher
Meloni!] and DREAM ON
[1990 - 1996]?), but they really got their due notice with OZ
(also with Christopher Meloni) and THE SOPRANOS
and then the bat-shit crazy horror series TRUE
BLOOD (which Christopher
Meloni also guest-starred on for four episodes in 2012, after
leaving LAW
& ORDER: SVU, before meeting a bloody end. STOP THE
PRESSES! On September 3, 2013, HBO announced that the seventh season
of TRUE BLOOD, to debut June 22, 2014, will be the last!), the
fantastic 1920's-set crime drama BOARDWALK
EMPIRE (the 2014 5th Season will be it's last [R.I.P. Nucky
Thompson]), the political (and well-written) series THE
NEWSROOM (Jeff Daniels won the 2013 Emmy Award for
Best Actor in a Drama Series and will have its final six-episode
Third Season starting November 9, 2014), the new 2014 series THE
LEFTOVERS (where 2% of the world's population disappears
overnight in a Rapture-like scenario; it was renewed for a second
season and the 2016 third season will be the last) and the cult
series GAME OF THRONES
(which has now been extended through the 2017 season!). Starz
had the highly watchable SPARTACUS
series (which ended April 12, 2013 in spectacular fashion), and now
has DAVINCI'S DEMONS
(Starz announced on July 23, 2015 that the third season would be its
last) and the new BLACK SAILS
(renewed for a second season. UPDATE: July 19, 2016: Starz
renewed it for a fourth and final season in 2017.), OUTLANDER
(renewed for a second season) and Executive Procucer/star Curtis
"50 Cent" Jackson's POWER
(Renewed for a second season & third season; meanwhile Curtis
Jackson announced that he is poor and his "lavish lifestyle"
is nothing but a ruse! UPDATE: July 19, 2016: The series was
moved to Sundays and viewership grew greatly, so Starz renewed the
show for a fourth and fifth season.). Showtime had DEXTER
(which ended its run on September 22, 2013 with a wimper rather than
a bang), the award-winning HOMELAND
(showing its age in its third season, but picking up in the home
stretch and renewed for a Season 4 starting October 5, 2014; on
November 10, 2014 Showtime announce it would be picked up for a 5th
season), the extremely graphic horror series PENNY
DREADFUL (see my review in the 2013
- 2014 TV Season section of this page, which has been renewed
until 2017, but pulled a surprise series finale at the end of its
third season in 2016) and the new 2014 murder mystery/wife cheating
series THE AFFAIR
(which has been picked up for a second season and has been nominated
for a few Emmy Awards for its first season). Even
non-commercial-free cable TV like AMC have quality dramas like AMERICAN
HORROR STORY (a different story arc every season); the 80's
Cold War-set THE AMERICANS
(both still thriving), the great Elmore Leonard-based crime drama JUSTIFIED
(Now sadly in it's final season.) and SONS
OF ANARCHY (now officially over after an appropriate
send-off to all the major cast members). And now Cinemax (a channel
that is known for its softcore porn series, giving them the nickname
"Skinemax", which after years of showing softcore porn has
decided to change track and turn dramatic, has started doing
dramatic/action series, starting with STRIKE
BACK in 2011, which will have its fourth and final season in
2015) and has the crime thriller BANSHEE
(which closed its first season on March 15, 2013, but will be back on
Friday January 10, 2014 at 10:00pm for its second season), which is
like having a crack addiction. I just can't get enough of this show
and was sadder than hell when the ten-episode first season ended. The
show is complex and hard to explain, but I'll try. When ex-con and
master thief Lucas Hood (Anthony Starr) is released from prison, a
series of circumstances happen where he becomes the sheriff of a
small Amish town in Pennsylvania called Banshee, which is not as
quiet as it appears. Lucas' former girlfriend Anastasia (Ivana
Milicevic) is living there under an assumed name and she is married
with two kids. The town is under the thumb of former
Amish-turned-crimelord Kai Proctor (Ulrich Thomsen), who not only
uses ultra-violence to get his way (he knocks the teeth out of one
citizen for calling his Amish father an ethnic slur and then makes
the guy put the teeth back in his mouth!), he also hopes to gain
control over a Native American casino in the area. Lucas continues
his thieving ways with the help of transexual computer expert Job
(Hoon Lee; my favorite character in the series) and old partner Sugar
Bates (the always welcome Frankie Faison), who now runs a bar, all
while he acts as a proper sheriff. There's also Anastasia's Russian
mobster father Mr. Rabbit (a white-haired Ben Cross, who is
excellent), who has been looking for his daughter for years and wants
to meet his grandson while making his daughter and Lucas pay for
their past sins. Most of the characters are bad people who do
despicable things (the way Job deals with a trio of rednecks in a
diner is a thing of beauty), but you'll fall in love with them
anyway. Every episode of this series is mesmerizing (and the final
episode of the season packs enough action for a dozen films) and can
be watched separately without catching the episodes before it (but it
sure helps if you do) and each episode ends with a stinger at the end
of the closing credits, so make sure you stay until the very end. To
say any more about the show would be to deprive you of my favorite TV
series of the 2012 - 2013 season. Either watch the repeats on Cinemax
or get the DVD/Blu-Ray when it is released. NOTE: I'm glad to
report that the Second Season started off in spectacular fashion. I
will give no details for those yet to see it other than to say that
it's even more violent this time (Check out the Bible beatdown in
Episode 2 or the decapitation by jacknifing truck in Episode 4!). To
see more about the characters in the show, go to welcometobanshee.com
and see their origins before they all came to Banshee. Some of the
webisodes are simply amazing! (NOTE #2: It has officially been
renewed for Season 3, which has turned out to be their most violent
season yet, and that is saying a lot!. NOTE #3:
The fourth season will sadly be the last and will premiere on April
1, 2016 [and, no, this is not an April Fool's joke]. My heart just
sunk, but it was one hell of a final season.). Cinemax also debuted
their new show THE KNICK,
starring Clive Owen, in August 2014. Based on what I have seen, it
will be an interesting show to watch (Oh my God, Doctor Thackery
[Clive Owen], died at the end of Season 2 [He kept it secret that he
only wanted to do two seasons]). Cinemax did order a third season,
though, but wants to look at a "Premiere script" and season
story plan before they continue. It's not like there's a shortage of
people to take Owens' place on the show. Showtime's new series, RAY
DONOVAN, starring the excellent Liev Schreiber as the title
character, a Hollywood "fixer", is also great television.
It also gives Jon Voight the best character of his lifetime as Ray's
nemesis and ex-con father, just out of the joint (The advice he gives
his grandson in episode 2 will shock you). The first episode, titled
"The Bat Or The Bag", would make The Hulk cringe in terror
(You'll have to see it to get the reference). Voight is absolutely
mesmerizing and menacing. Believe me when I say that you would never
want to be one of his enemies, but Ray knows how to get things done,
both by using the law and bending it until it almost breaks into a
million pieces. This is absorbing TV about a fractured family,
including Ray's brothers Terry (Eddie Marsan; HANCOCK
- 2008) and Bunchy (Dash Mihok; PUNISHER:
WAR ZONE - 2008), as well as Ray's wife and kids, but it
could never ever be shown on network television (It has already been
renewed for a second season, to be shown starting July 13, 2014, a
third season to start in 2015 and a fourth season starting in 2016
and on August 12, 2016, renewed for a fifth season in 2017.). The
show just keeps getting better and better, with Liev Schreiber
nominated for an Emmy Award® in 2015 & 2016 for Outstanding
Lead Actor in a Drama Series and John Voight for Outstanding
Supporting Actor in a Drama Series in 2014 & 2016. The only new
network TV series for the 2012 - 2013 season that appeal to me are ELEMENTARY,
the modern-day Sherlock Holmes procedural with a great cast and
undeniable chemistry (not of the romantic kind) between a recovering
heroin-addicted Holmes (a great Jonny Lee Miller; DRACULA
2000 - 1999; the failed, but poignant TV dramedy ELI
STONE - 2008) and his sober companion-turned-crime-solving
partner Watson (Lucy Liu; RISE:
BLOOD HUNTER - 2006). Holmes' new sober companion, Alfredo
(Ato Essandoh; COPPER
- 2012-2013), is a perfect fit for him, challenging Holmes at every
turn (Alfredo was a car thief and security alarm specialist) and
understands Holmes more than Holmes does himself. John Noble
portrayed Sherlock Holme's rich, but complex and maybe criminal,
father during the 2015 - 2016 Season.; VEGAS,
a 60's-based crime drama starring Dennis Quaid as a rancher/sheriff
and Michael Chiklis as the mob owner of a casino. I don't want to get
too excited about this show because it looks like there will be no
Season 2, since it was moved to Friday (It's official. It has not
been renewed, along with CSI: NY,
which had the same time period on Fridays [BLUE
BLOODS, which proceeded both programs, will return for a
fourth season]. CBS even skipped airing a couple of episodes, because
Michael Ironside appeared as the main bad guy with absolutely no
introduction to his character. I guess we'll have to wait for the
eventual DVD/Blu-Ray release to see those skipped episodes.), which
is a shame because it's a classy show with a unique look and a great
cast (The New York Post, which seems more interested in putting down
President Obama for every little thing he does,
listed
this show as one of the "25 Worst TV Series of the 2012 - 2013
Season", which actually means it was one of the 25 best.). I
think it is a much better show than the mind-numbing, boring, yet
somehow award-winning MAD
MEN (2007 - 2015), airing its final season starting in
August 2013 (Which now will ridiculously be split into two 7-episode
seasons, milking the last 7 episodes in 2015!), which also took place
in the 60's; THE FOLLOWING,
a preposterous, yet highly watchable, thriller about escaped serial
killer Joe Carroll (James Purefoy) and his unusually large quantity
of followers (some of who are in law enforcement), who is chased down
by former FBI agent Ryan Hardy (Kevin Bacon), who captured Carroll
before but had a heart transplant afterwards that now limits his
capabilities (It concluded its first season in a tense cliffhanger
fashion, with a two major characters dying [maybe] and Ryan and
Carroll's ex-wife being stabbed by someone we haven't seen before. It
will be a Fox midseason replacement show for its second season on
January 19, 2014; It has already been renewed for a Season Three in
2015; The Second Season seems to play more like an unintentional
comedy with unbelievable plot twists and turns than being a straight
thriller. Let me put it this way: It is more preposterous than Season
One. FOX canceled the series after three seasons on May 8, 2015.);
and HANNIBAL (Which
NBC announced is going to be renewed for a limited run 13 eposode
Season 2, to be shown February 28, 2014, with ex-BOARDWALK
EMPIRE star Michael Pitt as a semi-regular), a prequel to MANHUNTER
(1986) and its remake RED DRAGON
(2002), where troubled Special Agent Will Graham (Hugh Dancy) and FBI
agent Jack Crawford (Laurence Fishburne), whose wife has terminal
Stage 4 lung cancer that she was hiding from him, use psychiatrist
Dr. Hannibal Lecter (Mads Mikkelsen, in an Emmy-worthy performance)
to help them solve crimes and to get a shell-shocked Graham back into
humanity (Eleven episodes in and it's still not working). Since we
all know the history between Graham and Lecter, it will be
interesting to see how long it will take Graham to realize he is
working in cahoots with a serial killer cannibal known as the
"Chesapeake Ripper". Besides, it's nice to see THE
X-FILES' Gillian Anderson
back on American TV as Lecter's psychiatrist (She's also now a
regular player in the 2013 - 2014 midseason replacement series CRISIS,
which was canceled). The series is bloody as hell for a network show
(I loved how guest star Eddie Izzard gave one of his enemies a
"Colombian Necktie"! The episode before it featured a death
known as a "Glasgow Smile". Google them if you don't know
what they are.) and has an atmosphere not usually found during
network prime time (A big "Boo!!!" to the show for refusing
to televise Episode 4 of the series out of "respect" for
the Boston Marathon bombing [It's not even about a bombing. It's
about children being brainwashed into killing other children.]. They
plan on never showing it on TV, but it will be on the DVD/Blu-Ray of
Season 1 when it is released [They released "webisodes" of
it on the Internet, but completely edited out the plot and Molly
Shannon's appearance as the villain]. I think we, as a whole, are
mature enough to understand fact from fiction, but NBC and the makers
of the show think otherwise. This coming from a series about a person
who eats people! Apparently, the episode is only being pulled in the
United States. Those living outside the country will still be able to
watch the episode.). Otherwise, the regular TV network series are the
same old, same old. UPDATE: Episode 4 of HANNIBAL,
which still cannot be seen on U.S. TV, is now available for download
on
iTunes. Thanks to Michael Prymula for this information. This is the
reason why I don't get involved in network shows. Fifty percent of
the network shows I like will not survive to see a second season. The
ratings they got would be manna from Heaven for non-network shows,
but they just don't satisfy the advertisers who pay for commercials
on network prime time, especially the coveted 18 to 49 age bracket.
Older viewers like myself aren't even in the equation when it comes
to networks. As a matter of fact, some non-network shows do better in
the ratings during prime time than some network shows, which means
that the word "network" will probably disappear in about
ten years. Hopefully. At least cable TV series don't rely on huge
numbers to renew shows. Four million viewers is considered large on
cable, but would be certain death on networks. NOTE: Season 2
is getting dismal numbers, but I believe that is because NBC has it
on Fridays at 10:00pm opposite BLUE
BLOODS. Since HANNIBAL is the most adult show on
Network TV and the makers of the show have it mapped out to be a
three season series, maybe some enterprising non-network cable
station can pick up the series for the final season and make it even
more graphic (NBC announced in May 2014 that it would be renewed for
a third season). UPDATE #2: The new Summer 2013 CBS network
series UNDER THE DOME
(which has been renewed for a second season 13-episode Summer series
starting on June 30, 2014, so don't expect any major resolutions this
season. It was then cancelled in 2015 after three seasons.) caught my
interest in the first couple of episodes, but like all things Stephen
King, I expect it to become more soap opera than fantasy/sci-fi. I'm
keeping my fingers crossed that it is not the case this time (The
final episode of Season 1 ended in typical cliffhanger style). Time
will tell, but it opened with huge numbers (nearly 13 million
viewers) and had some disturbing gory scenes for a network series
(especially the cow cut in half when the dome appeared). It's nice to
see that network TV is finally accepting that opening new shows
during the Summer is just as important as introducing them in the
Fall, since cable TV has been doing it for years and stealing away
network watchers in droves, including such scripted series as TNT's MAJOR
CRIMES (renewed for 2016 & 2017), RIZZOLI
& ISLES (announced on July 23, 2015 that it would be
renewed for a seventh season in 2016, which will be its last), PERCEPTION
(canceled after three seasons; it will play the second half of its
final five episodes of the third season in February 2015 and then be
done), FRANKLIN
& BASH (cancelled after four seasons), FALLING
SKIES (renewed for Season 5 in 2015, which will be its last),
new series KING &
MAXWELL (cancelled after one season), the new 2014 series THE
LAST SHIP (unusual end-of-the-world disease scenario with
lots of surprises; renewed for a second season; July 31, 2016: The
series was renewed for a Fourth Season.), MURDER
IN THE FIRST (which ended its first season in a really
satisfying way and was renewed for a second season, which started off
with a legitimate bang, a slaughter in a bus by automatic weapons; On
November 10, 2015 it was renewed for a third season), LEGENDS
and TRANSPORTER: THE SERIES
(a French series based on the movie
trilogy that was originally scheduled to air on Cinemax in 2012,
but they passed and now TNT has two seasons in the can to air in 2014
- 2015 and it was renewed for a third season), Sundance Channel's RECTIFY
(cancelled in 2016 after 4 seasons), SyFy's DOMINION
(based on characters from the 2010 film LEGION;
SyFy announced on September 25, 2014 that the series would return
for a second season. It was then cancelled after two seasons.), BBC
America's COPPER
(cancelled after two seasons), ORPHAN
BLACK (on May 17, 2015 it was renewed for a fourth season)
and the late 2014 Summer series INTRUDERS
(cancelled after one season), FX's new show THE
BRIDGE (renewed for a Season 2; there will be no Season 3
because it has been cancelled), TYRANT
(new for 2014; renewed for a 13-episode second season and renewed for
a Season 3 on October 7, 2015), PARTNERS
(new for 2014; starring Kelsey Grammer and Martin Lawrence; poor
ratings are dooming this to only one season) and THE
STRAIN (also new for 2014; the outdoor ads led to people
complaints to have them removed, which FX did. To see the ad, click
on the link. NOTE: Renewed for a Season 2. and announced in October
2015 that it was renewed for a Season 3), ABC Family's MYSTERY
GIRLS (new for 2014, but ratings are so poor that one
episode was only watched by 90,210 viewers, so don't look for a
second season), A&E's THE GLADES
(now cancelled) and LONGMIRE
(a real guilty pleasure, with so many great actors; NOTE: On August
29, 2014 it was announced that this show was cancelled after three
seasons. I hope it finds a different home! Why do all the shows I
like get the axe? NOTE #2: Netflix has picked up the series for a 10
episode streaming Season 4 sometime in 2015. Yeah!!! It looks now
that I have to subscribe to Netflix. And, yes, this show is that
good. On October 29, 2015, Netflix announced it was renewed for a
fifth season.), AMC's THE KILLING
(Which was cancelled, again. Right now there will be no Season 4.
NOTE: The show was just renewed again [after being cancelled twice!]
for a six-episode binge-watching fourth season in 2014, but only on
NetFlix!), the intense BREAKING
BAD (now in its final season, which had one of the best
finales of the Millennium, besides the 2005 HBO series ender of SIX
FEET UNDER) and HELL
ON WHEELS (which, for some
miraculous
reason, has been renewed for a fourth season, but it was announced
on November 7, 2014 that the fifth season would be its last), Robert
Rodriguez's new El Rey Network has MATADOR
(new for 2014; renewed for a second season, even though actress
Elizabeth Pena has died and was a major character on the series),
Lifetime's futuristic THE LOTTERY
(new for 2014 and cancelled after one season) and USA Network's
popular series WHITE COLLAR
(set for it's final season starting Thursday, November 6, 2014), ROYAL
PAINS (renewed, but the 2016 season will be its last), COVERT
AFFAIRS (on January 7, 2015, USA announced that the fifth
season [which had already aired] would be the last, leaving all plot
holes up in the air!), SUITS
(renewed for a Season 6 on July 1, 2015), NECESSARY
ROUGHNESS (now cancelled), PSYCH
(with a much-hyped two-hour musical episode to be shown in December
2013 and the 2014 season will be its last, to end on March 26, 2014),
the new series GRACELAND
(renewed for a Season 2; on November 11, 2014 it was renewed for a
third season. NOTE: On October 1, 2015, USA announced the
series was cancelled after 3 seasons.), new 2014 series RUSH
(He makes HOUSE M.D. look like a
Disney School doctor and the series is getting better as it
progresses; NOTE: On October 2, 2014, USA Network announced
the series was cancelled, which I think is a big mistake, but star
Tom Ellis went on to star in FOX's addicting LUCIFER
in the beginning of 2016 and is awaiting a second season to begin in
September 2016. See my review in my appraisal of the 2015
-2016 TV Season.) and SATISFACTION
(USA's first comedy/drama not to deal with cops, doctors or lawyers,
starring Matt Passmore, late of the canceled TV series THE
GLADES and it is becoming a real guilty pleasure; it has
been renewed for a 10-episode second season. The second season is
turning out to be a bitter disappointment, though, reminding me of
HBO's three-season series HUNG.
USA Network thought so, too, and cancelled it after 2 seasons.), and
the final season of BURN
NOTICE (It was nice having Bruce Campbell showing up
regularly on TV [at least we get him for a 10-episode season of
Starz's ASH VS. EVIL DEAD
starting Halloween 2015 and it was renewed for a second season before
an episode was even shown. Yes, it's that good and gory. See my
review on the 2015 - 2016 TV Season.])
and the way the series ended, it left the option open for a spinoff
series, where Campbell and co-star Coby Bell could team-up and help
people in trouble; (R.I.P. Sharon Gless, who sacrificed herself so
that everyone else could live.) and Michael Westen (Jeffrey Donovan; BOOK
OF SHADOWS: BLAIR WITCH 2 - 2000) headed for an uncertain
future with Fiona (Gabrielle Anwar), among many others spread around
the cable TV spectrum. Surprisingly, CBS also brought back the
cancelled TV series UNFORGETTABLE
(2011 - 2012) with new episodes to be shown starting in July 2013
(and was renewed for a second [or third, if you want to be precise]
season, this time starting in the Spring on Friday April 4, 2014 and
going through the Summer. UPDATE: It was cancelled, again, on October
10, 2014, only to be picked up for a 13-episode Fourth Season at
A&E, announced on February 6, 2015. UPDATE #2: The little show
that wouldn't die has just died [or is maybe on life support]. A&E
refused a 5th Season pickup, it announced on February 16, 2016.
Don't count the show over... yet. There's always streaming services).
Even Netflix has its own successful Summer series called ORANGE
IS THE NEW BLACK (2013 - Present; on January 5, 2016, it was
announced that the series has been renewed for a fifth, sixth and
seventh season, bringing it to 2019), HEMLOCK
GROVE (2013 - 2015), and DAREDEVIL
(2015 - Present), which can all be binge-watched, so the hot months
need more than a few scripted shows and less reality show crap from
Network TV to pull in the audience numbers. (How BIG BROTHER
pulls in such big ratings is beyond me. All it is is just a bunch of
back stabbing bastards and bitches looking after themselves. And this
teaches us what?). Summer is no more the TV wasteland of reruns that
it once was. NOTE #2: The networks are learning about how
important the Summer TV season is. Besides the second season of UNDER
THE DOME on June 30, 2014 at 10:00pm (which ended the second
season in truly cringe-worthy, cliffhanger fashion, but will be back
for a third season, as announced by CBS on October 9, 2014, which
turned out to be its last.), CBS is premiering a new sci-fi mystery
starting Wednesday, July 9, 2014 at 9:00pm called EXTANT,
starring Halle Berry as a lone U.S. astronaut who returns to Earth
only to find out she is pregnant with an extraterrestrial baby. How
could an astronaut who spent a solo year in space return pregnant and
not remember it happening? The series tries to explain it while Berry
tries to reconnect with her husband and android son (yes, you read
that right). If this is anything like DOME (both are Executive
Produced by Steven Spielberg), expect more questions than answers (it
was renewed for a second season, announced by CBS on October 9, 2014
and the show will be completely revamped. NOTE: On October 8,
2015, CBS cancelled the series after two seasons.). NBC also moved
the third season of HANNIBAL
until June 4, 2015 on Thursdays at 10:00pm, where it will most likely
get its best ratings ever. NBC also announced the debut of new crime
series AQUARIUS,
starring David Duchovny, will air a two hour premiere on Thursday,
May 28, 2015 at 9:00pm and then will move as the lead-in to HANNIBAL
on Thursday at 9:00pm on June 4, 2015 (Actually, HANNIBAL was
cancelled after three seasons and AQUARIUS was renewed for a
second season, but they were both moved to Saturday nights where they
have been constantly interrupted by pre-season football and NBC
didn't even bother to tell anyone that both series could be seen
playing at their normal times on a little-known NBC cable station, so
if you missed an episode, you can always catch them streaming, on VOD
or wait for their eventual disc releases. This is no way to treat two
first class shows, even if one one looks like it will not be saved by
any other network or streaming service).
Here's
my conundrum: People are getting fired or arrested for things they
say on Twitter and Facebook. While the majority of us don't agree
with a single word these dolts say, as long as they don't threaten
people's lives, what's the harm? One cop gets convicted (he may get a
life sentence) because he lived a fantasy life online about eating
people and talked to like-minded people about it. Disgusting? Sure it
is. Criminal? No way. We always believed that the "Thought
Police" was something of a fantasy
itself but, apparently, it's true. Since when did it become a crime
to express your opinion? Is it different doing it on a computer than
saying it to a person standing next to you? The New York Post seems
to be the major offender. They seem more interested in getting people
fired from their jobs for what they write on Twitter and Facebook
(They must have a full-time person who scans these accounts) than
actually reporting the news. Forget their prejudice against President
Obama (it's huge); they seem more interested in destroying people's
lives. People like you, me and your next door neighbor. I always
thought we had a right to say and believe anything we wanted to (as
long as we don't yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater), but
everything changed after 9-11. We now have the federal government
reading our mail, searching for keywords on Twitter and Facebook and
looking for photos that will incriminate a person. Listen, if you are
stupid enough to put up a photo of yourself holding an automatic
weapon while smoking a joint, you deserve everything that comes your
way, but if your avatar is a photo of Adolph Hitler and you say you
hate Jews, you could lose your job and also be put in jail. We may
not agree with what these idiots have to say, but they have the right
to say it as long as they don't threaten anyone's life. The Computer
Age has changed everything and none of those changes are positive for
you. At least according to the government. Watch what you say and do
on the Internet. Once it is on there, it can't be destroyed (even if
you erase it, because both Twitter and Facebook back up their sites
every night and keep the pages forever and so do most other social
networking sites), so don't say anything that will bite you on the
ass. Because people with nothing better to do will find it and make
your life miserable, just because they can. I speak from experience.
Even trying to find a job sometimes depends on your credit score and
what you say or post on your Facebook account. Remember when people
in power said that even the thought of this happening was a fantasy?
I wonder what these people think today? Law enforcement use the
internet daily to catch criminals (especially pedophiles) and that is
fine with me, but what other information are they collecting? A lot
of stuff written on the Internet can be taken out of context and the
progress of time may make those remarks seem more threatening than
they were when they were originally written. Be judicious when
writing anything on the Internet because (and I have taken a lot of
ribbing years ago for saying this): "Once on the Internet,
always on the Internet." UPDATE: The newest line of 3-D
printers (costing anywhere from $3,000 and up, although prices are
falling) are now able to make guns out of plastic with
interchangeable barrels to fire any caliber of bullet (the cost of
the plastic is about $10.00). After about ten shots the barrel
becomes useless, but it can be easily changed. Not only are these
guns extremely dangerous, they are also practically undetectable at
airport screenings. One asshole company posted the blueprints for
such a gun on the Internet, but the bad press they received forced
them to pull it off the Internet, but not before the blueprints were
downloaded 900,000 times in less than 24 hours. If one of these guns
is responsible for one death, whether it be an American or anyone
else, the people who posted these blueprints should be thrown in
jail. I'm all for freedom of expression, but this is tantamount to
murder and the Second Amendment has nothing to do with it, no matter
what this company says (Of course, they are based in Texas!). I see
no point in working plastic guns except to bypass security and cause
mayhem. We thought the plastic gun John Malkovich carried in the film IN
THE LINE OF FIRE (1993) was pure fantasy, but fantasy
sometimes becomes reality.
My
thoughts on the 2013 - 2014 TV Season. All times listed are Eastern
Standard Time (EST): Well, the new Fall TV Season is upon us and here
are my thoughts on some new programs which should interest
readers of this site. First up: FOX's SLEEPY
HOLLOW (Mondays 8:00 pm), a fun, visually inventive horror
series (on a limited 13 episode first season run) which turns
Washington Irving's tale on its head (pardon the pun). In this
retelling, Ichabod Crane (Tom Mison) was a Revolutionary War soldier
working for General George Washington to fight the British. He
defeats a seemingly indestructable British soldier by cutting off his
head, but is mortally wounded in the battle. Somehow (it is only
hinted at in the pilot), Crane wakes up in modern-day Sleepy Hollow
(where he is a fish-out-of-water, marveling such things as cars, TV
and automatic weapons), just when the Headless Horseman comes back to
life (with his possessed red-eyed horse!) and kills the Sheriff
(Clancy Brown, in a 9-minute cameo, but there is always hope he will
return in flashback sequences [which, thankfully, he has]). Crane
joins forces with cop Abbie Mills (Nicole Beharie, SPOILER!!!:
She died on the final episode of Season 3) to uncover the secret of
the town and the Headless Horsman who, it turns out, is one of the
Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse. The pilot was full of inspirational
photography tricks, including an unusual way to depict the
decapitation of a parish priest. When the Headless Horseman picks up
a shotgun and automatic weapons and starts shooting up the town
(killing fellow cop John Cho; which seemed to be another extended
cameo, but further episodes reveal that he is actually undead), some
people may have rolled their eyes, but I found it a wild ride. One
funny scene finds Crane shooting a handgun at the Headless Horseman
and then throwing it to the ground after firing only one shot,
thinking that pistols are only capable of one discharge before
reloading! Here's to hoping that they can continue the lunacy of the
pilot, but only time will tell. The first episode did bring FOX their
highest ratings for a scripted TV series in seven years, but since it
started one week before all the other competing series would
premiere, let's reserve judgment until it has several episodes under
its belt. Any show that features FRINGE's
(2008 - 2013) John Noble (who becomes a regular in Season 2) can't
be all that bad, can it? (NOTE: The show has been picked up
for a second & third season and had one hell of a satisfying
season finale. The second season of THE
FOLLOWING [already renewed for a third season, but FOX
announced on May 8, 2015 it would be the last since Season 3 was not
only low-rated, the plot was even more ridiculous than the first two
seasons, and that's quite a feat!] will now occupy the time slot.) *
Next: NBC's THE BLACKLIST
(Mondays 10:00 pm; the middle of Season 2 moved to Thursdays 9:00
pm), which I would have watched just for the fact that it starred
James Spader (who has packed on a few pounds and wears a convincing
prosthetic that looks like he shaved his head), but this is an
excellent action mystery unlike most procedurals on TV right now.
Spader stars as Raymond "Red" Reddington, a nattily dressed
master criminal who, for the past twenty years, has eluded all major
crime authorities and has been selling top secret information to the
highest bidders (for reasons as of yet unknown, since he disappeared
two decades ago, leaving his wife and children, without any advance
warning). That is, until one day he walks into FBI
headquarters
and voluntarily gives himself up. He offers to help capture the
world's most elusive criminals, but with one caveat: He will only
talk to and work with Agent Elizabeth "Liz" Keen (Megan
Boone), who is beginning her job as a full-blown FBI agent at
Quantico on this very day. What is the connection between Liz and
Red? Liz was raised as an orphan and has a severe scar on her
right hand and wrist after her criminal father abused her her and
then died (which, somehow, Red knows about), but no connection
between her and Red can be found. In the first episode, Red helps Liz
solve the case of Serbian terrorist Ranko Zamani (Jamie Jackson), who
kidnaps an American General's young daughter and uses the little girl
as a human bomb; out to kill as many children as possible at a zoo
with a lethal chemical timebomb because his family was killed by an
American airstrike on his village during the Bosnian War. As the case
is solved, Liz also learns some disturbing news about her husband,
Tom (Ryan Eggold), thanks to clues given to her by Red. It is all the
more disturbing because, before the bomb is rendered harmless, Liz is
forced to witness her husband being stabbed two times by Zamani in
their own home and must make the choice of getting her husband to the
hospital or stopping Zamani from leaving the house. She chooses her
husband, who lies in a hospital bed on a respirator drifting between
life and death, and when she goes home to scrub the blood off their
rug, she discovers loose floorboards under the carpet, containing a
box with a small fortune in cash (in various foreign denominations)
and several passports of her husband under different names. What does
this all mean and will it affect them from adopting a baby girl (she
is either incapable of bearing children or her husband is shooting
blanks; it is not made clear in the pilot episode)? This was a fairly
absorbing 44 minutes of television and, since the pilot was directed
by Joe Carnahan (SMOKIN' ACES
- 2006; THE A-TEAM - 2010),
there are some outstanding action set-pieces, including the tense
kidnapping of the young girl on a bridge. This was actually more like
watching a small movie than a TV show and I can't wait to see what
comes next. Spader is simply fantastic (when is he not?) and the
supporting cast, including Harry Lennix (MAN
OF STEEL - 2013) and Diego Klattenhoff (Showtime's HOMELAND),
do a great job. UPDATE: This is also the most DVRed new show
on television, with AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. (see below) and SLEEPY
HOLLOW (see above) not far behind. It has also been renewed for
a second season and rightfully so. * I wish I could say the
same thing about CBS's new series HOSTAGES
(which plays opposite of NBC's THE
BLACKLIST on Mondays 10:00 pm), but this limited,
uninterrupted 15-episode series, executive produced by Jerry Bruckhe
imer,
is about as common as they come, even though it contains some
excellent actors and some nice action sequences. The story is about
troubled FBI agent Duncan Carlisle (Dylan McDermott; WONDERLAND
- 2003), who is suffering from some devastating personal and
financial problems and takes the family of surgeon Dr. Ellen Sanders
(Toni Collette; FRIGHT NIGHT
- 2011) hostage with the help of some military buddies (including THE
FOLLOWING and SONS
OF ANARCHY's Billy Brown). Duncan wants Ellen to botch the
fairly routine operation she is soon to perform on the President of
the United States, Paul Kincaid (James Naughton; DIARY
OF THE DEAD - 1976), and administer a deadly poison to him
(for reasons not yet made clear, but Duncan says he's doing "bad
things for the right reasons"), or he will kill her husband
(Tate Donovan), teenage son (Mateus Ward) and teenage daughter (Quinn
Shepard). Since this is a serialized thriller and we have wait to see
just what Ellen will do to postpone the operation, subplots abound,
including when we learn that her family have secrets of their own,
including her husband having an affair, her daughter is pregnant and
her son is involved in a drug deal. Duncan seems to know all the
family's secrets (How? That also is not made clear.) and has eyes
everywhere, so it will be extremely hard for Ellen and her family to
get away with anything, especially since Ellen is getting a lot of
press coverage for her upcoming operating on POTUS. While the premise
may sound intriguing, the writing never goes above average, which is
a shame, because actress Toni Collette deserves better. There are
some nice action sequences, including a tense bank robbery in the
beginning of the pilot, but the plot is about as cliched as they come
(flashbacks abound) and there are dead spots that lead to boredom.
Time will tell if this catches on with audiences, but I think it will
not do too well in the ratings. Who knows? I may be wrong. It won't
be the first time. (Update: It looks like THE BLACKLIST
kicked HOSTAGES' ass in the ratings for the first week [Not
counting DVR, On-Demand or streaming viewing]. Either CBS will have
faith with this timeslot, move it to another day or cancel it. We'll
see in the upcoming weeks, but they did repeat the series pilot on
the following Saturday, hoping it will attract more viewers). NOTE:
The series is now over and we will never hear from it again, except
for its eventual Blu-Ray/DVD release. CBS officially announced its
cancelation March 14, 2014. * I must say that I did enjoy the
premiere episode of ABC's AGENTS
OF S.H.I.E.L.D. (Tuesdays 8:00 pm), Marvel's latest attempt
to conquer the filmic universe and a TV spin-off of their popular
theatrical release THE AVENGERS
(2012), but I kept getting the feeling that this series was more
suited for The CW than ABC, thanks, in part, to the primary cast of
handsome and pretty young actors that populate this series. Don't get
me wrong, I absolutely love Clark Gregg and his portrayal of Agent
Phil Coulson (who also
was
featured in IRON MAN [2008], IRON
MAN 2 [2010], THOR [2011]
and died in THE AVENGERS, but was brilliantly resurrected for
this series) and the action in the pilot was way above average
(thanks to direction by Joss Whedon), but since this is shown during
the "family friendly" hour of 8:00 PM, the violence level
is kept to a TV-PG minimum. I felt that it was played a little too
safe and could use some more more maturity in the writing. I know
Marvel has an image to uphold, where they make films and TV series
fit for teenagers and younger kids (with the exception of the BLADE
trio of films [1998 - 2004] and THE
PUNISHER: WAR ZONE [2008; Marvel's name is nowhere to be
found in the opening or closing credits of the film!]), but this
series could use a little more of an adult touch if it wants to reach
more than teens and Marvel fanboys. I certainly didn't hate the pilot
(there were a few fun visual Easter Eggs for fans of the Marvel
Universe), even though most of the characters were underwritten and
the plot seemed somewhat rushed in the 44 minutes of air time (but
since this is a weekly TV series, it leaves plenty of room for
characters to be fleshed-out and, hopefully, plots that will be given
time to develop), but I need more than what the pilot offered if they
want me to watch this on a weekly basis. I know this will probably
get some fantastic ratings and will most likely have a long and
healthy lifespan, but it was missing that certain
"something" that keeps me coming back for more. (Update: S.H.I.E.L.D.
came in third in the ratings in its timeslot, losing out to CBS's
powerhouse NCIS [still the
number one scripted drama show on TV, with 19.3 million viewers and
soon to have a try at another spin-off in the Spring of 2014, this
one set in New Orleans and starring Scott Bakula, C.C.H. Pounder and
Zoe McLellan, who starred in the first six seasons of J*A*G
- 1995-2005, which many people forget that NCIS is s spin-off
from!] and NBC's musical reality series THE
VOICE [with 14.2 million viewers]. It still had a
respectable 11.89 million viewers, but not the numbers ABC was hoping
for. To add even worse news, the second episode lost 30% of its
viewers from the premiere episode, down to 8.4 million viewers, but
has held steady since. ABC has ordered a full season of scripts, but
has yet to announce whether it would be renewed for a second season,
but at this point, it is way too early to tell. Stan Lee puts in his
patented cameo in the February 4, 2014 episode.). To add insult to
injury, they have tied a recent episode to the newest THOR:
THE DARK WORLD (2013) movie, making it impossible to fully
enjoy the episode unless you have seen the film. NOTE: In
keeping with breaking their promises that you don't have to see any
movies to enjoy the show, it seems you must go to the theater to see CAPTAIN
AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER (2014) to understand what will
happen to the S.H.I.E.L.D. team in future episodes of the TV Series
(to the end of the first season). That is a major cheat to all
viewers of the T.V. show who would rather not go to the theater to
watch Marvel's latest monster money-maker. * More bad news for
ABC: Their new Tuesday 10:00 pm series, LUCKY
7, a drama about a group of regular schlubs who work at a
Queens, NY gas station and win the lottery, opened with a dismal 4.5
million viewers and may be the first casuality of the season
(Remember the similarly-themed 2006 TV series WINDFALL
on NBC? Didn't think you would, as it was canceled after 13
episodes.). It was up against CBS's PERSON
OF INTEREST (Now in its third season and a guilty pleasure
of mine. I'm still trying to get over the death of star Taraji P.
Henson's Detective Joss Carter in the ninth episode of Season 3!) and
NBC's CHICAGO FIRE
(now in its second season), which both beat the new series handily. I
hope those lottery winners don't piss away their money, because they
are going to need it! (Update: LUCKY 7 was canceled
after airing only two episodes and CBS's half hour comedy, WE
ARE MEN [Mondays 8:30 pm], starring Tony Shaloub, was the
second new series to be canceled.). * While I generally stay
away from network half-hour comedy series, I did watch the first
episode of FOX's BROOKLYN
NINE-NINE (Tuesdays at 8:30 pm and the Second Season Sundays
at 8:30 pm) because it features Andre Braugher and Terry Crews as
co-stars. The star of this police comedy series is former SNL star
Andy Samberg, so the success of this show hinges on whether enough
people like him or not. Personally, I think he is an overrated talent
and I find this series (Which some critics compare to BARNEY
MILLER [1974 - 1982]. Did they even watch this?) only
occasionally funny and none of it has to do with Samberg. Both
Braugher and Crews show a deft hand at comedy (But why did they have
to make Braugher gay? Does there have to be a gay person in every
sitcom?), but I bet that this series will only survive one season
because of the competition up against it, which includes the
previously-mentioned NCIS, THE VOICE and AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D..
While the first episode opened with respectable ratings numbers
(mainly due to
the fact that it premiered one week before all the other networks
started their new season), the second episode lost nearly half its
viewers. Definitely not a good sign. Look for FOX to change days and
time slots for this series very soon if they hope for it to survive
even one season. (NOTE: FOX will be doing just that after the
Super Bowl, in which the show will be in the coveted spot after the
game is over. Sandberg's show will end in March after being moved to
an hour later. NOTE #2: In what seems like an alternate
universe, the Golden Globes has given Andy Samberg the award for Best
Actor in a Comedy Series and BROOKLYN NINE-NINE Best Comedy
Series. Either I'm dreaming or our world has become a much stupider
place. The Foreign Press, which compromise the Golden Globes, must be
on a drinking binge. FOX will now feel compelled to give it a second
season even if the ratings are no better than any show on the CW.) *
Here are a list of new TV series that I will not be reviewing for the
simple fact that they just don't interest me: The CW's THE
ORIGINALS (The pilot airs Thursday October 3, 2013 at 9:00
pm and then moves to it's permanent time slot of Tuesdays at 8:00 pm;
a spin-off of THE
VAMPIRE DIARIES [2009 - Present] and one of the CW's
longest-running series), another vampire series populated by young,
unknown actors that The CW is so fond of (NOTE: The CW is
getting great numbers [well, at least for The CW] with this show that
preceeds SUPERNATURAL
[now in its 9th season and renewed for a 10th!], which has seemed to
actually improve its ratings to the Tuesday move); THE
TOMORROW PEOPLE (Wednesdays 9:00 pm), another fantasy from
The CW that is populated by young, unknown actors and is a remake of
a popular 70's British TV series of the same name (It was cancelled
after one season); The CW'S REIGN
(Thursdays 9:00 pm) is an historical drama populated by handsome and
beautiful actors that plays fast and loose with the true story of the
rise of Mary, Queen Of Scots (played by Adelaide Kane). Don't look
for this series to last very long because the last thing teens need
after a day of high school is watching another history lesson (NOTE:
Most all the new CW shows have been picked up for a full season,
including REIGN. Seems that getting 3 million viewers or less
is successful at The CW. As of 2016, REIGN is still running.
Hey, I can't be right all the time!); ABC's ONCE
UPON A TIME IN WONDERLAND (Thursdays 8:00 pm), a spin-off of
their popular modern fantasy fairy tale series ONCE
UPON A TIME (2011 - Present), this one a Victorian
England-based fairy tale about Alice's adventures on the other side
of the rabbit hole (Didn't SyFy already do this with their 2009
mini-series ALICE?) NOTE:
This show will not be renewed for a second season; ABC's BETRAYAL
(Sundays 10:00 pm), another wife-cheating serial melodrama with
thriller overtones that seems to be proliferating TV right now; like
being married also contains a license to have sex with someone other
than your spouse. It's like married women and men need a TV show to
tell them it's OK to cheat and have affairs (See my review of HOSTAGES
above)! Is it any wonder over 50% of marriages end in divorce? NOTE:
It looks like BETRAYAL will not survive more than the 13
episodes already in the can; Lifetime's WITCHES
OF EAST END (Sundays 10:00 pm) is the long-delayed (it was
produced in 2012) supernatural comedy about a family of witches
during modern times; one who is immortal (and keeps giving birth to
the same daughters, who always die at young ages in unusual ways) and
one who is like a cat and only has nine lives (in the pilot, she
already loses one). In the first place, since it airs on Lifetime, no
straight man would be caught dead watching it and in the second
place, being delayed by nearly two years should tell you something
about the quality. NOTE: It got good enough ratings for
Lifetime to ask for a second season, so I can be wrong after all!;
ABC Family's RAVENSWOOD
(Tuesdays 8:00pm) is a supernatural spin-off of ABC Family's popular PRETTY
LITTLE LIARS (2010 - Present) about strange goings-on at the
titled town. Expect lots of crossover potential between the two
series. Not my cup of tea since I am older than the combined age of
the entire cast. (NOTE: There will be no second season. It has
been canceled.); I also have no desire to see The CW's THE
100 (Wednesdays 9:00pm) a sci-fi midseason replacement
series about a hundred young people (this is the CW, after all) that
are forced to leave their orbiting spaceship called The Ark (where
the adults prefer to stay) and explore a ravaged Earth, made that way
by nuclear war over 90 years earlier. It sounds like a sci-fi version
of Lord Of The Flies with some monsters thrown-in (It has been
renewed for a second season). * I'm also going to reserve my
judgment on FX's AMERICAN
HORROR STORY: COVEN (Wednesdays 10:00 pm; and was announced
on October 06, 2013 that there would be a fourth season) until the
Blu-Ray comes out. This is a series (the third incarnation of AMERICAN
HORROR STORY;
each season tells a separate story with some of the actors returning
every season in different roles) that should be watched back-to-back
in a couple of days rather than in 13 weeks (The fourth season will
be called AMERICAN
HORROR STORY: FREAK SHOW and will bow on October 8, 2014. It
will also bring back a character from the first season. It looks like
this is going to be off the hook. NOTE: It was already renewed for a
fifth season.). I enjoyed binge-viewing the first two seasons of this
weirdly violent and inventively visual series that way, so I'm not
going to do it any different this time. The hardest part is trying
not to read any spoilers before it reaches Blu-Ray (Especially when Entertainment
Weekly runs a cover
which ruins a major plot point! And congratulations for Jessica Lange
and Kathy Bates for winning the 2014 Emmy Awards® for Outstanding
Lead Actress and Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or
Movie.). * NBC's IRONSIDE
(Wednesdays 10:00 pm) is an updating of the old IRONSIDE
(1967 - 1975) TV series and you couldn't ask for a more vanilla show,
even though Ironside is now played by a black man (remember that
disasterous 2005 TV series where Ving Rhames played KOJAK?).
In the original series, Robert Ironside (Raymond Burr) was a cop who
was permanently put in a wheelchair by an assassin's bullet to his
spine yet, with the help of a crew of racially-diverse crackerjack detectives
and helpers, solved eight season's worth of murders and other crimes
in San Francisco. In the new reboot, Robert Ironside (Blair
Underwood) is a cop who is put permanently in a wheelchair due to
being accidentally (?) shot by his own partner (Brent Sexton) in New
York City. Ironside hand-picks a crew of racially-diverse crackerjack
detectives and other people to help him solve crimes. Not much of a
difference between the two series, right? Wrong. In this incarnation,
Ironside is buff, works out, has sex with his girlfriend and is
extremely violent with perps, something which the original series was
not (and, really, who wanted to watch Raymond Burr get it on with any
woman?). Since this is shown during the 10:00 pm hour, the violence
level and language is amped-up from most network cop shows, but
viewers don't keep watching for the violence and a few
"bullshits" being spoken. They watch because of the
storyline. And in this case (at least based on the pilot), there is
too much going on to keep track of (including Ironside's life before
he became paralyzed and Sexton's constant beating himself up for
crippling his partner [by turning into a whiny alcoholic] and it gets
to be a bit too confusing to keep track of. They crammed way too much
into 44 minutes to make us really care much about any character. You
would also think that in today's society, they could have found a
real paraplegic actor to play Ironside instead of a well-known
thespian pretending to be one (the "before" scenes could
have easily been done with CGI). It would have added a needed bit of
realism to the series, since everyone knows Underwood from his many
TV and movie appearances, including a recurring role on the
long-running TV series L.A. LAW (1986
- 1994) and a starring role in the failed TV series THE
EVENT (2010 - 2011). As it stands, this series offers
nothing new to a well-worn genre, which is a shame, because a little
more thought and realistic casting could have made this reboot
something a little different on a Wednesday night. IRONSIDE
doesn't have a leg to stand on. I'll stick with Ted Danson and CSI: (Update:
Looks like I was right in sticking with CSI:, because IRONSIDE
opened as the lowest-rated fall drama premiere ever in NBC's history
and was canceled after showing only two episodes, while CSI:
was renewed for a 15th Season!.). * I got an early look at the
pilot episode of NBC's DRACULA
(Fridays 10:00pm) and I am glad to report that it is one of the best
new network shows of the season. The only thing I worry about is the
day it is shown and the timeslot, a slot that has been dominated by
CBS' BLUE BLOODS
for the past four years. NBC hopes to make Friday night a
supernatural night, since the new show follows GRIMM
(a show I have watched several times, but was not able to get
attached to), which is opposite of CBS' popular revival of HAWAII
FIVE-O, so people have to decide whether they would rather
watch monsters or crime and crime usually wins every time (The last
time supernatural shows survive
d
on Friday nights were Chris Carter's THE
X-FILES [which was eventually moved to Sundays] and MILLENNIUM
[that lasted for three seasons]). That would be a crying shame since
the new DRACULA is such a sumptuously-filmed and well-acted
series about the well-known bloodsucker (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) moving
to Victorian London pretending to be a rich American businessman. He
is there to get revenge on the people who turned him into a vampire
centuries ago under the guise of bringing modern science to the
country. He gets sidetracked, however, when beautiful woman Mina
Murray (Jessica De Gouw), turns out to be the spitting image of his
dead wife and Dracula thinks she could very well be her
reincarnation. The story may play fast and loose with Bram Stoker's
novel, but this is a very interesting take on the Dracula legend.
Just when you think the vampire genre is played to death, along comes
a show that proves you wrong. Like many cable series, this is only
slated to run for ten episodes for the first season, a tactic that
should be used for more network shows (HANNIBAL
[now in its second season and renewed for a third, and final, season]
did it earlier in 2013 and the low-rated HOSTAGES is doing it
this Fall season, as is the sleeper hit SLEEPY HOLLOW), since
it keeps the writing fresh (with very little filler) and keeps the
action moving at a brisk pace. Even if you are a fan of Tom Selleck
and his series, you should DVR this new series and give it a chance
(the first two episodes got terrible ratings). Maybe NBC will trade
places with the now-canceled IRONSIDE and put this excellent
new series on at Wednesdays at 10:00pm. I would hate to see this
series fail and have NBC burn-off episodes on Saturday nights (like
they did with THE FIRM
in 2012 and the Jekyll/Hyde medical series DO
NO HARM - 2013; which actually turned into an involving
series that had me hooked on Saturday nights). Since Neilsen Ratings
now take DVR and time-shifting recordings into ratings numbers, do
yourself a favor and get involved with this excellent new series.
This is one is worth your time, even if it isn't at Fridays at
10:00pm. NOTE: The show aired all ten of its episodes on
Fridays, but I will be very surprised if it is renewed for a second
season. The ratings were anemic. That's not good for a show about a
master vampire. It was canceled on May 10, 2014. * Just to
proved that not everything that J.J. Abrams touches turns to gold, I
give you FOX's ALMOST HUMAN
(Mondays 8:00 pm) and it is pretty bad and already done to death
(although not in this format) on TV since the mid-60's. The story is
simple: thirty-five years from now, a cop (played by Karl Urban, whom
I like a lot), just out of a coma, is partnered with an android
(Michael Ealy) to solve crimes. Both use their powers, Urban his
brain and gut and Ealy his human-like computer processor and unusual
strength, to solve crimes. While this is happening, Urban and Ealy,
who aren't the fondest of partners, become to respect each other for
what they do and figure out if they work together, they can be
unstoppable. You
know,
the same old shit. Since this was filmed on the FRINGE
sets (hey why not recycle?) to save money since this is one of the
most expensive TV shows of the new season, a lot of the background
sets may look familiar to those who loved the latter series (me
included). The fact is that this new series reminded me of that Will
Smith flop I, ROBOT (2004) in
both looks and attitude and that just doesn't wash with me. Listen,
when the advertising materials on the series has a quote by Entertainment
Weekly that states, "A bromantic BLADE
RUNNER.", all I wanted to do was cry.
"Bromantic"? Really? And then I got a sneak prevue of the
series and I wanted to cry some more. My advice to J.J. Abrams: I
know you are now a hot commodity, but slow down a little and let the
creativity flow. This is not the first show about a human/android
partnership. Remember Maxwell Smart & Hymie on GET
SMART (1965 - 1970)? How about HOLMES
& YO-YO (1976 - 1977)? Data and everyone he came in
contact with on STAR
TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION (1987 - 1994)? Or how about a
little movie and TV franchise called ROBOCOP?
There are too many more examples to mention. What I am basically
saying is that while the technology may have improved, the premise
has been around for many decades on TV and even longer in books. So
don't piss down my leg and tell me that it is raining. I will give
the show some time to develop, but I doubt the stories are going to
make me change my mind. The series also bumps one of FOX's best-known
series, BONES, to a
death sentence in the Friday 8:00 pm time slot. Goodbye, BONES,
it was nice knowing you. Nine years was a nice run (Although it is
getting good ratings for Friday airings. Now that is fan dedication!
It still got good enough ratings to merit a 10th Season! This is a
show that has had so many different days and time period shifts [now
it is on Mondays!], yet fans still stuck with it. I love being proved
wrong. Season 10, airing on Thursday September 25, 2014 [another new
time slot yet again!] opens with the shocking murder of Dr. Sweets
[John Francis Daley], which proves there is still life in the old
show yet!). Don't look for ALMOST HUMAN to achieve that
milestone. I'll give it a season or two at most and that's being
kind. I sometimes wonder who makes these decisions or is there some
type of spinning carnival-like wheel that tells these business suits
where to put their programs? FOX is losing viewers and it's
bone-headed moves like this that will make them even loose more. I
predict a few million viewers for the Sunday November 17, 2013 &
Monday November 18, 2013 series premiere, but I wouldn't count on
viewers staying around to watch it week after week unless it changes
course really soon. NOTE: FOX canceled the series on April 29,
2014. It came as no surprise since ratings have been abysmal. The
score: BONES: 1 ALMOST HUMAN: 0 *
Director/writer Frank Darabont's MOB
CITY (TNT: Wednesdays 9:00 pm) is a three week six-episode
miniseries about the relentless pursuit of mobster Mickey Cohen
(Jeremy Luke) and Bugsy Seigel (Edward Burns) by Los Angeles Police
Chief William Parker (Neal McDonough) and Detective Joe Teague (Jon
Bernthal, who worked with Darabont on THE
WALKING DEAD until Darabont was mysteriously dismissed as
the series' showrunner and Berenthal was turned into a zombie and
shot in the head.) in the 1940's. Besides a roster of excellent
co-stars and cameo appearances (Gregory Itzin, Brendan Sexton III,
Jeffrey DeMunn [another killed-off THE WALKING DEAD regular,
who has appeared in nearly everything Darabont has done], Simon Pegg,
Alexa Davalos, Milo Ventimiglia, Gordon Clapp, Ernie
Hudson,
Daniel Roebuck, Robert Knepper, Dana Gould and others), some nice
period detail (especially the clothing) and language, borderline
nudity and violence which goes way beyond what basic cable usually
allows (which garnered it a TV-MA rating, unusual for a basic cable
program), the actual miniseries is nothing spectacular. As a matter
of fact, it really just drags along until its inevitable conclusion.
Filled with flashbacks during the mobsters and cops younger years, it
reminded me somewhat of what Sergio Leone's ONCE
UPON A TIME IN AMERICA (1984) did years before and ten times
better. While not a total failure by a long shot, one gets the
feeling that Frank Darabont made this rather quickly as a big
"Fuck You" to AMC for being uncerimoniously tossed
off THE WALKING DEAD's set for reasons that are still unclear
(especially since it was Daramont's baby). What could have been a
landmark miniseries is nothing but an average period detective film
noir with a gallery of good actors and bloody violence. I'm sure a
lot more people will like it more than I do, but the same goes
towards my feelings towards THE WALKING DEAD, which I find
full of cliched characters, banal dialogue borderlining on religious
mumbo-jumbo and a required zombie attack during every episode. Some
people think all you need is bloody violence to make a good series. I
demand more than that. I demand believable characters that I can care
about and plots that are more than your basic scenarios that have
been done many times before. That describes what both of theses
series lack in spades (although watching Edward Burns getting shot to
pieces was a nice touch in an otherwise dreary series). Darabont
can't get thrown off this series (he still has a lawsuit over at AMC
over THE WALKING DEAD)
because it is already done and in the can, but maybe next time he
can do a series that contains real characters we can aspire to? (NOTE:
TNT announced on February 10, 2014 that the show has been canceled
and will not have a second season.) * CBS's INTELLIGENCE
(Mondays 10:00pm) will replace HOSTAGES
when all the episodes run out in early January 2014. It is one of the
newest shows of the midseason (now known as TV's "second
season"). This sci-fi procedural, about precocious agent Gabriel
Vaughn (Josh Holloway of LOST
[2004-2010]) with a computer chip implanted in his brain, which
gives
him instant access to any information in the world, will have you
asking yourself, "Marg Helgenberger left CSI:
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION for this?" Helgenberger plays
Lillian Strand, Gabriel Vaughn's "handler", and boy does
she have a lot on her hands. The first question that crossed my mind
when I watched the first episode (which will premiere on Tuesday
January 7, 2014 at 9:00pm, right after a new episode of NCIS,
just to make sure the new series gets the best audience numbers
possible since it follows the most successful scripted series on TV)
is why would they give a guy who likes to do things his way and hates
following orders the most advanced technology in the world? The
episodes I have seen so far (one of the perks of running a web site)
are nothing to write home about, but they are entertaining, if you
can get beyond some of the plots' most gaping holes. And there are
plenty, but I'll let you discover them since the first episode will
probably get great Neilsen ratings. It won't do too well in its
regular time slot because it runs opposite of the popular new series THE
BLACKLIST (and rightfully so), since that show seems to be
getting better and better as it progresses. Still, the series does
have some positive points, such as Holloway's charm and natural
screen presence, some great action sequences and also a recurring
role by Lance Reddick of FRINGE
(2008 - 2013). It may become popular on a different day or at a
different time, but I don't see this lasting beyond the first 13
episode order in its current time slot. I would like this series to
succeed, but I'm not in charge of TV programming. Some of their
choices are truly head-scratching, including this one, considering
all the talent in front of the camera. Maybe CBS will come to their
sense before it is too late for this series. (NOTE: The second
episode, shown in its regular time slot of Mondays 10:00pm drew in a
paltry 1.6 million viewers. CBS will have to do something quick to
save this series from oblivion. NOTE #2: The series will not
be renewed after all the current episodes are shown due to poor
ratings) * I don't want to know about HBO's new series TRUE
DETECTIVE (Sundays 9:00pm) except every year it will pick
two different stars as partners to solve a crime for eight episodes.
On the freshman season. those two stars happen to be Woody Harrelson
and Matthew McConaughey. How could it not be great? These two stars
have had excellent career resurgences in the past several years and
whomever thought of putting them together should get an Emmy for
casting. I don't know anything about the plot (I refused the first
two episodes as screeners from HBO because I want to witness it with
the rest of the world.), but when you put these two actors together
you just know that fireworks are going to explode. And that, my
friend, is what TV is all about. If I am disappointed in this series,
I think I will shoot myself! (NOTE: The first episode was a
corker, telling the story in flashback fashion starting in 1995
investigating a heinous crime and then skipping to 2012 [but not
before experiencing important events that happen in 2002 later in the
series], with both detectives speaking to Internal Affairs seperately
[with McConaughey's character looking entirely different than the
flashback parts], which lets you know something extremely big
happened [the actual murder, about a dead and bound young woman with
antlers attached to her head, only took less than 5 minutes of screen
time, but it's a head-scratcher] and introducing us to the
fascinating characters. For once, Harrelson is the straight-laced
detective who is married with a family [but the marriage is far from
perfect; as a matter of fact, it is as far from perfect as you can
get] and McConaughey the troubled partner with a past that concerns a
deceased wife [who took her own life] and daughter who was killed by
a speeding car [The scene where McConaughey shows up drunk for his
first dinner at Harrelson's house is a masterpiece of acting and
doesn't end the way you think it would.]. The pilot episode left you
wanting to watch the whole eight episodes at once. An A+ all the
way!). I particularly like McConaughey's take on the beginning of
religion in the third episode: "Been that way since one monkey
looked at the sun and said to the other monkey, 'He told me for you
to give me your fucking share.' People are so goddamn frail that they
rather put a coin in a wishing well than buy dinner." The
"Mowing My Lawn" sequence in the third episode is also a
thing of beauty that should be studied by aspiring actors everywhere.
The same episodes also informs us that McConaughey suffers from a
rare condition where he can taste colors! Another recent episode had
a six minute action scene shot in one interrupted take. You can't ask
for better than this. Now we just have to find out who the
"Yellow King" is (pay close attention to all the subtle
clues dropped in every episode)! And we wonder why pay cable series
shine when compared to their network counterparts. It's not the
nudity. It's not the foul language. It's because they tell better
stories and take chances just like I have just explained. Watch it
and be amazed just for the philosophical words that come out of
McConaughey's mouth thanks to writer/creator Nic Pizzolatto and
director Cary Fukunaga (All who did the entire eight episodes and
Cary was the only one in the entire series to win a 2014 Emmy
Award® for directing the episode "Who Goes There", the
one with the six minute uninterrupted take, but a big "BOO!"
for not giving Matthew McConaughey the Emmy® for Best Actor. If
this wasn't Bryan Cranston's final year on BREAKING
BAD, Matthew would have definitely won it.). NOTE #2:
Very satisfying conclusion with enough atmosphere to spare for a
dozen TV shows. "We did not get them all, but we got ours."
Simply brilliant. * NBC's CHICAGO
P.D. (Wednesdays 10:00pm) is series creator Dick Wolf's
eight episode companion series to his
surprise
mini-hit CHICAGO FIRE
(2012 - Present; which is shown on Tuesdays at 10:00pm), so expect a
lot of crossover potential. This series delves more into the personal
lives of the detectives and police officers than Wolf's LAW
& ORDER franchise did, but I wont be watching it when it
airs since it is placed opposite CSI: CRIME
SCENE INVESTIGATION. I did watch the first two episodes,
thanks to NBC screeners and it is a well-written show with a lot of
action and some great character actors as stars (Jason Beghe, John
Seda, Sophia Bush, Mykelti Williamson, Patrick John Flueger, Elias
Koteas and J.B. Smoove), but it would get much better numbers in an
earlier time spot opposite something a little less popular, but since CHICAGO
FIRE is holding its own, who knows what will happen? I applaud
NBC for giving us more scripted TV than reality TV as of late and I
hope this series picks up the same numbers as its companion series.
This way the Chicago heritage can live on for a full season without
any rerun potential. It's a good little series that runs right after
Wolf's LAW
& ORDER: SVU (which is also beginning to delve into
their personal lives including Olivia [Mariska Hargitay] being
held prisoner and sexually abused in her home by a crazed psychopath
and the mental after-effects it caused, Detective Nick Amaro [Danny
Pino] may lose his job to a gun incident, retired Richard Belzer as
Detective Munch [see below] and also lost Captain Donald Cragen [Dann
Florek, who has been with L&O since 1990!]). I hope it
survives so I can watch it as part of my cable company's On Demand
service. But what you wish for and what you get may be two different
things. (NOTE: There will be crossover episodes utilizing some
characters from L&O: SVU [Ice-T and Kelli Giddish] with CHICAGO
P.D. and Sophie Bush visiting SVU.) The show is holding
its own ratings-wise, maintaining the majority of L&O: SVU's
viewers. NOTE #2: It looks like we will be seeing more if
this series next year since it has been renewed for a second season. *
ABC canceled their 8-part 1980's-set Cold War mini-series THE
ASSETS (Thursdays 10:00pm) after only two episodes on Friday
January 10, 2014. It was a "Winter Hiatus" replacement
series for ABC's mini-hit SCANDAL
(2012 - Present). I wasn't even aware that the mini-series was on in
the first place. Maybe that has something to do with ABC not
advertising or marketing the show properly (They didn't even bother
giving it a proper print campaign.)? The rest of the episodes will
either be made available on VOD or its eventual Blu-Ray/DVD release.
Or the other six episodes could be burned off on Saturday nights. Or
all three. ADDENDUM: ABC's 8-episode filler series KILLER
WOMEN (Tuesdays 10:00pm) is doing equally bad in its time
slot, mainly due to bad marketing and advertising. I watched the
first episode, which concerns Texas Ranger Molly Parker (Tricia
Helfer) going after murderous women and it wasn't as bad as it seems.
It's more like a grittier WALKER:
TEXAS RANGER complete with more violence and good looking
women (Helfer is certainly no heifer). My bet is that they will let
this one run its course in
its
current timeslot, even though it will never attain the ratings of PERSON
OF INTEREST or CHICAGO
FIRE, mainly because MODERN FAMILY's Sofía
Vergara is an Executive Producer. You don't want to piss-off one of
the bread-and-butter winners for your network. NOTE: Guess I
was wrong, KILLER WOMEN was canceled (the ratings for the
first two episodes were abominable) and some the episodes will be
burned-off at the regular time slot and then replaced by the series MIND
GAMES (see below) which was moved up a few weeks. *
FOX's RAKE (Thursdays
9:00pm) is the best new show of the Mid-Season (It's a
thirteen-episode series based on an Australian
show of the same name) and it's no coincidence that the
advertising materials are comparing it to HOUSE
M.D. (2004 - 2012), but instead of having Hugh Laurie in his
ascerbic performance as Dr. House, we have devil-may-care criminal
defense attorney Keegan Deane (the wonderful Greg Kinnear). Besides
being a lawyer, Keegan is also a compulsive gambler (who gets beaten
up for not paying his debts, even though he has a friendly rapport
with the gambling enforcer, played by Omar Dorsey) and a womanizer
whose biggest problem is his mouth. He just doesn't know when to keep
it shut, whether he is in court or out of it (that also gets him
beaten up a lot). Kinnear is pitch perfect as the lawyer with a big
mouth who says out loud what we usually only think. Don't get me
wrong, this is just another procedural show, but this show gives that
genre a needed shot in the arm thanks to Kinnear's grand performance
and some of the things he says are so funny, I nearly pissed my
pants. There are a few problems with the show, like Deane's current
wife Scarlet (Necar Zadegan) being the opposing counsel in many of
his cases (she knows he's a womanizing prick and the first time we
see Deane, he is drunk with a prostitute on his arm!) and some of the
cases are only so-so (the pilot has a serial killer, played by the
brilliant Peter Stormare, trying to recant his confession), but since
the pilot was directed by none other than Sam Raimi, it all seems to
go down like a spoonful of sugar. I'll leave it to you, my dear
readers, to discover this show, because it deserves a long life just
like HOUSE M.D. did. The fact that Deane learns absolutely no
lessons from his verbal and physical miscues on the show is one of
its strongest points. This is one show that should not have a short
life span, so watch or DVR it when it is on! Put this show on your
viewing schedule. Watch all of the thirteen episodes so it will
return again in the fall. NOTE: After a short move to Fridays,
the show has been moved to Saturdays, where episodes will be shown
back-to-back starting at 8:00pm until all the episodes are burned
off. Say goodbye to RAKE. * SyFy's HELIX
(Fridays 10:00pm) is not a bad show, but it is a little too familiar
to fans of biological warfare shows like THE
BURNING ZONE (1996 - 1997;
Remember that show?) or an episode of THE
X-FILES, except that you can't go into the middle of this
show without being confused, because it plays like a continuous arc
soap opera rather than a single-story-per-episode series. The premise
is this: CDC scientist Dr. Alan Farragut is called to a secret lab
located in the middle of the Artic to check out that the possibility
of a new strain of mutagen has been unleashed. Unfortunately, Alans's
brother, Dr. Peter Farragut (Neil Napier), is the first to be
infected and he gains superhuman strength and infects other members
of the staff by kissing them and oozing a black substance in their
mouths (remind anyone of anything?). Since they can't catch Peter,
Alan wants to inform the CDC, but his orders are blocked by the lab's
mysterious boss, Dr. Hiroshi Hatake (Hiroyuki Sanada), who may or may
not know just what this mutagen is and does. All manner of
transportation has been destroyed, as well as every manner of
communication, so Alan and the surviving staff must quarantine the
infected and catch Peter before he does more harm, Just what this
mutagen does (Is it alien or man-made?) will be answered as the show
progresses (there is a nice shot of hundreds of frozen monkeys
standing in a row outside in the freezing snow, after one of the
visiting female scientists, played by Catherine Lemieux, is told by
one of the lab's lackeys that no monkeys were ever at the lab), but I
lost interest after three episodes and will probably not return to
it. The episodes compromised endless scenes of people crawling
through heating ducts looking for Peter (and with absolutely no idea
how to stop him if they found him, which is proven in at least one
instance). It is just too familiar to the many infectious disease
movies and TV shows I have seen in my lifetime. It's also obvious
that this was made in Canada because some of the actors don't even
try to disguise their accents. I do love the ad for the show, though
(see above right). (NOTE: SyFy has ordered a second season of
the show. NOTE #2: SyFy canceled the show after two seasons on
April 29, 2015) * A&E's THOSE
WHO KILL (Mondays 10:00pm, which was moved up three months
from its initial Sunday June 3, 2014 release date) is
based on a Danish
movie & TV series of the same name from 2011 that reminded
me of that old TV series PROFILER
(1996 - 2000) in a lot of aspects, but with a few differences. The
new series concerns a troubled newly-promoted Pittsburgh-based
homicide detective (the always-welcome Chloe Sevigny; HBO's BIG
LOVE - 2006-2011), whose brother was abducted, but she
believes he is dead (and that her stepfather [Bruce Davison] is a
prolific serial killer, who happens to be a judge), and an even more
troubled married forensics psychiatrist/psychology teacher (James
D'Arcy; RISE: BLOOD HUNTER
- 2006), who has an adversarial relationship with the police and
tends to get into the minds of the killers rather than figuring out
how to capture them (what he does to Sevigny in the first episode
cements his feelings towards the killers), as they try to catch a
different serial killer each week (there's a three episode arc about
catching a female serial killer and the first episode deals with a
psycho who makes his victims cross their arms on their chests [and
feeds them cat food] before killing them) while dealing with their
psychological problems (Both Sevigny and D'Arcy have young children
they are responsible for). It's a beautifully photographed series,
but CRIMINAL MINDS
(2005 - Present; Sevegny, who starred with MIND's Jeanne
Tripplehorn on BIG LOVE kind of puts down the show by saying
it's "more of punching the clock thing when you're doing that
kind of show" Huh? And now Jennifer Love Hewitt is joining the
cast for its 10th Season. Double Huh?) have basically used every
deviant serial killer behavior on their show, so this series has to
depend on the chemistry between Sevigny and D'Arcy and it works if
you like series that are dark and dank and heroes that aren't above
killing bad people in cold blood. I don't like watching A&E
because of their DUCK DYNASTY
debacle over gays and blacks, but this limited 10-episode series may
be worth programming your DVR for (it runs opposite THE
BLACKLIST,
so I will have to DVR it) and airs right after the second season of
A&E's surprise hit BATES
MOTEL (2013-Present; D'Arcy played Anthony Perkins in the
movie HITCHCOCK.). Thanks to
Sevigny and D'Arcy, this mind-bending series may stand a chance and
come back for a second season. My only wish is that the Amish Mafia
forcefully shave off the beards of those fake-ass hillbillies and use
it as an episode of this new show during the second season. I'd pay
real money to see that. NOTE: A&E has shelved the series
after airing only two episodes. They plan on showing the other
episodes at a later unknown date. Until then BATES MOTEL
(which on April 7, 2014 was renewed for a 10-episode third season. On
June 15, 2015 A&E renewed the show for seasons four & five.)
will be moved up an hour and reruns of the Anthony Perkins prequel,
reboot, or whatever you want to call it, will be shown at 9:00pm. Not
a shock, but still a surprise that the show was getting really poor
ratings. NOTE #2: A&E gave the show to their sibling
network LMN (formerly Lifetime Movie Network) to burn off the final 8
episodes on Sundays at 10:00pm starting March 30, 2014. *
ABC's MIND GAMES
(Tuesdays 10:00pm) is a detective show with a difference. Rather than
using violence and threats to solve problems, they use the real
science of human
motivation and manipulation. Liking the show depends on your
tolerance for Steve Zahn (who nearly ruined the first season of HBO TREME
- 2010-2013, before toning it down) as Clark Edwards, a genius in
human psychology who also happens to be bipolar (which lets him go
off the edge and act like some crazy idiot savant every now and then)
and his ex-con brother Ross Edwards, played by DTV king Christian
Slater. They, along with some of Clark's students, solve clients
problems using their minds and manipulation rather than violence. The
ending of the pilot episode left me slackjawed and made me wonder how
they were going to fix things (I'll leave it for you to discover,
unless ABC changes the ending when it originally airs February 25,
2014). Since I was only given the pilot before actual showtime (it
was moved up from March 11, 2014 due to the dismal ratings of KILLER
WOMEN), I, along with you, will have to see if they can fix
it. Until then we'll just have to wait. Since TNT has the
similarly-themed show PERCEPTION
(2012 - 2015), starring Eric McCormack as the crazy professor who
uses deduction and manipulation to solve crimes (and talks to
imaginary people who help him solve those crimes, basically a
metaphor for him being able to say he solved the crimes not using his
own brain), the success of this show depends on whether you can
accept two similar shows (on the same day and time, no less!) dealing
with the same subject. My guess is that this series will run this 10
episode season and then will disappear. Steve Zahn just rubs me the
wrong way and if he does that to me, he will do that to a lot of
other people. (And a lot of people who are really afflicted with the
biploar disease Zahn has on the show are voicing the way Zahn
portrays it comedically, especially when he goes off his meds.). At
least Christian Slater can fall back on DTV films. NOTE: Guess
I was right. On March 27, 2014, after airing 5 episodes, ABC pulled MIND
GAMES from the schedule due to poor ratings and replaced
it with a reality show called CELEBRITY WIFE SWAP (now in its
second season), to be shown after airing a couple of encores of RESURRECTION
(see next). * ABC's RESURRECTION
(Sundays 9:00pm) is one of those series (like THE
X-FILES or THE 4400
before it) that seems to ask more questions than it answers. The
always good Kurtwood Smith and Francis Fisher play Henry and Lucille
Langston, who one day are
delivered
their young son Jacob (Landon Gimenez; who wakes up in a rice paddy
in China) by Immigration agent J. Martin Bellamy (Omar Epps) to their
farmhouse in the sleepy little town of Arcadia, Missouri. The problem
is, Jacob died over 30 years ago and hasn't aged a day. Soon other
dead people begin turning up in the town, but these people are not
zombies or the living dead. They have all the qualities of a normal
human being. Based on the novel "The Returned" by Jason
Mott, this series sets off to tell how families deal with the people
they thought were dead brought back into their lives, rather than
trying to find out why it happened (I guess if we find out why, the
series would be over). I like a good mystery just like the next guy,
but this is a more personal tale about how families, especially Henry
and Lucille, deal with a young son at their advanced age and
wondering if it is their son at all (DNA evidence seems to prove that
it is.). Series like this don't seem to last too long nowadays
because serialized dramas (with a touch of science fiction) don't
seem to flourish during the regular TV season. They seem to do much
better as a Summer series (Take a look at the success of UNDER
THE DOME.). Of the first three episodes I have seen (thanks
to screeners provided by ABC), I can say with a clear conscience that
this is a well-acted show (Matt Craven plays Sheriff Fred Langston,
who also happens to be Henry's brother and whose wife drowned trying
to save Jacob 30 years earlier), but it needs more information on why
the dead are returning back to life and only in the town of Arcadia.
There is a subplot where Fred's daughter Gail (Devin Kelly) believes
that Jacob knows more than he is saying (which is true), but giving
the viewers morsels during each episode will not sustain an audience,
at least not during a time when new series and old favorites jam-up
Sunday nights. If you ask me, they should have waited until the
Summer to air this series, because it doesn't stand much of a chance
during it's current day and time period. It may have been a hit
during the Summer, but as it stands now, I don't see it lasting more
than it's limited 8-episode run. And that's a shame. UPDATE:
Seems like I was wrong. RESURRECTION opened to very strong
numbers and factoring in DVR recordings, surpassed the numbers THE BLACKLIST
(see above) are getting. It looks like a lock for renewal. NOTE:
It was renewed for a second season (starting Sunday September 28,
2014 at 9:00pm), but many people and critics complained that the
season-ending episode was a real letdown that they will probaby pass
on the second season. No questions were answered and it turned more
into a soap opera than a supernatural series. It really disappointed
the loyal viewers by asking more questions and giving no answers. It
may have worked on LOST
(2004 - 2010), but not this series. The French TV Series THE
RETURNED (2012 - Present) deals with the same subject matter
in a much more satisfying (and sexual) way. You can watch subtitled
episodes on Netflix. The A&E Network is reportedly remaking the
French series. The big question here is: Why? Do we really need two
U.S. shows that deal with the dead returning to life, but not as
zombies, but as they were when they originally passed away?
2013
- 2014 TV SEASON PART 2:
NBC's CRISIS (Sundays
10:00pm) is another serialized thriller which at least offers us the
beautiful presence of Gillian Anderson
(who I am officially in love with, even though she has outed herself
as gay). We actually get a double dose of her this year since she
again portrays Hannibal Lecter's psychiatrist
in the Second Season of HANNIBAL
(2013 - 2015), but she is not on every episode (It looks like she
quit being Hannibal's psychiatrist in Season 2, Epidode 2 because she
considers him "dangerous", so it will be interesting to see
how Hannibal will deal with her. She also stars in the British TV
series THE FALL
[2013-Present; available on Netflix] and travels between the U.K. and
Chicago, where this new series is filmed.). A group of high schoolers
on a field trip, including the son of the President of the United
States and the daughter of an influential CEO (Anderson), who is
hiding some family secrets, as is the kid's parental chaperone
(Dermot Mulroney), is hijacked and held hostage for reasons not yet
made clear. Unlike the disasterous, but similar, HOSTAGES
at the beginning of the Fall Season, this 13-episode thriller has
some type of conclusion at the end of every episode and promises to
surprise viewers at the end of the season. Since it is on opposite THE
MENTALIST (which was miraculously renewed for a 7th Season
on May 10, 2014), this is another show made for my DVR and I probably
wouldn't even record it without the participation of Gillian
Anderson. This is the first time Anderson has been on an American
series in which she appears in every episode since THE
X-FILES (1993 - 2002), so I am keeping my fingers crossed
that the ratings sustain a second season and it is put on a different
night so I can watch it live. How else is she going to be my third
wife? NOTE: NBC, in their infinite wisdom has cancelled the
series on May 9, 2014, so there will be no Season 2. A big "Up
Yours! to NBC. (They also cancelled their sci-fi/action series REVOLUTION
[2012 - 2014] after two seasons on the same day. It had a cult
following and is going to piss off a lot of people) * BELIEVE
(Special Preview Monday March 10 2014, 10:00pm; Regular date: Sundays
9:00pm) is one of those "one the run" shows; this one about
a special little girl named Bo (Johnny Sequoyah) who has strange
supernatural powers (like the ability to levitate, predict the future
or scream and get a flock of pigeons to attack a bad female
assassin). When her adoptive parents are
brutally
murdered in an automobile "accident", a group known as the
"True Believers" who have been protecting the little girl
for her entire life decide the best person to protect her is Tate
(Jake McLaughlin). The only problem is that Tate is on Death Row (and
says he is innocent) and about to be executed, so True Believer
member Winter (Delroy Lindo, dressed as a prison priest) breaks Tate
out of prison, attaches an unremovable tracking device to him and
teams her up with Bo, who is in the hospital recovering from the
automobile "accident" (She makes an MRI machine go haywire
when the attendants refuse to turn it off.). Now they are both
wanted. Tate by the police and Bo by an organization run by the evil
Skouras (Kyle MacLachlan), who wants Bo for reasons as yet still
unknown and sends female assassin Leeds (Katie McClellan) to do the
deed, but Bo manages to save the day time and time again. Bo and Tate
have a connection which will be revealed at the end of Episode 1, so
it should make for interesting viewing (the secret is not hard to
figure out after watching the entire first episode, the only screener
supplied to me). There's also a small subplot about a young doctor
and his dying father that is very touching and is resolved by the end
of the episode. This series stands a chance of becoming a cult hit as
long as it is given the right time slot (It is certainly crowded on
Sundays at 9:00pm and I will not give up my guilty pleasure, THE
GOOD WIFE [Will's {Josh Charles} shooting death in a recent
episode was one of the biggest TV shocks of the season and a special
shout-out to Julianna Marguiles for winning the 2014 Emmy Award®
for Best Actress in a Drama Series, next to Detective Carter's
{Taraji P. Henson} death on PERSON
OF INTEREST], for it, so it will have to be DVR'ed). Since
it was created by J.J. Abrams (the awful ALMOST
HUMAN; see above; one of his few failures) and Alfonso
Cuarón, the Oscar®-winning director of GRAVITY
(2013), who directed and co-wrote the pilot, the series stands a
chance of becoming a midseason hit if given the time to mature. NBC
really has nothing to lose since they only have three or four of
their shows that regularly make it into the top 25 TV shows of the
week (now that football and the Olympics are off the air), so giving
this limited 9-episode series a chance to flourish could only be in
their best interest. The series is well-shot and acted and deserves a
chance to prove itself. Let's hope that NBC has the guts to give this
series a chance to catch on. Of course, NBC (or rather Comcast), in
their ulitmate wisdom lead-in both BELIEVE and CRISIS
with an idiotic reality show called AMERICAN
DREAM BUILDERS. Not only is it reminiscent of many house
building and decorating reality shows before it, but it also pits 12
people against each other; the worst one getting kicked-off each
week. NBC shoots itself in the
foot once again. People not interested in such things will
automatically change channels, which will hurt the potential audience
for the two shows that follow it. It's basic Business 101, something
that NBC has forgotten for nearly the past ten years. NOTE:
NBC, once again, cancelled this series on May 9, 2014 without even
giving it a chance to catch on with viewers. I DVR'd it every Sunday
and found it enjoyable. NBC is fast becoming the station of the
"No!" * So let me get this straight: Christopher
Meloni left LAW
& ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT (Which was just renewed
for a 16th season after much speculation that production costs would
end the series at the end of the 15th season. Thank god clearer heads
prevailed because it can still be a spellbinding and emotional show
when it wants to be, such as the series of episodes where Olivia
[Mariska Hargitay] had to deal with a psycho kidnapper this season.)
to star in the teribbly unfunny DTV flick NATIONAL
LAMPOON'S DIRTY MOVIE (2011 - where Meloni wore the most
idiotic pair of false teeth in film history), do a small arc (5
episodes) on HBO's TRUE
BLOOD (2012), have a small starring, but pivital, role in
the Superman film MAN OF STEEL
(2013), appear in the DTV comedy AWFUL
NICE (2013; in which he wore a horrible hairpiece, mustache
and spoke in an accent that can't be categorized), cameo as Leo
Durocher in the Jackie Robinson biography film 42
(2013), headline the used car lot drama flick SMALL
TIME (2014) and now he is starring in a half-hour comedy
series for FOX called SURVIVING
JACK (Thursdays 9:30pm), which takes place in the
early-90's? Why doesn't he just commit career suicide and appear as a
commentator on FOX News? I give this series three, maybe four
episodes (it actually lasted a little bit longer) before it is
dropped like a heavy stone in a small pond, although most TV critics
have given it pretty good reviews. But we all know good reviews mean
nothing when it comes to TV shows. Most of my favorite TV shows that
have been canceled in the first season have gotten good reviews. NOTE:
No surprise here, FOX has cancelled the show. * I generally
don't like TV shows based on popular movies. Very few of them
succeed. M*A*S*H
(1972 - 1983) is one such successful series, but most
of
them just disappear into the television graveyard. That's why I was
most impressed with FX's FARGO
(Tuesdays 10:00pm), which besides having the title of director Joel
and Ethan Coen's 1996 film of the same name
(they wrote three episodes of this series and also act as Executive
Producers), has the snowy and icy landscape of wintery Minnesota
(actually filmed in Calgary, Alberta, Canada) and contains the funny
accents, has nothing to do with the film. This is an extremely black
comedy 10-episode self-contained series that is adult in nature (and,
according to the creators, takes place one day after the events of
the original film), about a lurid stranger named Lorne Malvo (an Emmy
Award®-winning performance by Billy Bob Thornton) who arrives in
a small Minnesota town and begins having bad effects on people,
especially insurance salesman Lester Nygaard (Martin Freeman), which
leads to murder, kidnapping, blackmail and lots of violence and
humor. I have seen the first three episodes thanks to screeners and I
will officially put this on my DVR since it runs opposite PERSON
OF INTEREST. This limited series also has an interesting
cast, including Bob Odenkirk, Colin Hanks, Joey King, Keith
Carradine, Adam Goldberg and Oliver Platt. Since we have been
promised that this series is self-contained and won't have the story
continued next year, I think if this series is successful (and it
should be), it will take the route of HBO's TRUE
DETECTIVE or FX's AMERICAN
HORROR STORY (see above) and tell a different story each
season, with new actors or some returning ones. This is one of the
better new series of the "second season", so give it a try
and you will probably find yourself hooked on the very first episode.
We are going through a new Golden Age of TV, and it is series like
this that make it so. Bear in mind that this series is Rated TV-MA,
so don't let your kids watch it, unless your kids are already twisted
beyond all hope NOTE: OK, I have changed my mind a little on
this series. After episode three, things begin to get a little
repetitive, stale and boring. It started out like gangbusters, but
has turned into nothing into a pale imitation of the movie it is
based on. But things took a drastic turn in later episodes and the
show has jumped ahead one year, giving the show new life.
(Congratulation on the series winning the 2014 Emmy Award® for
Outstanding Miniseries and for Colin Bucksey winning an award for
directing.) * WGN America, a cable channel best known for
their syndicated repeats and wrestling, premieres their first original
series SALEM (Sundays
10:00pm), a 13-episode series that takes place in 1600's Salem,
Massachusetts and is told mainly from the witches' point of view.
While the series is nothing to write home about, it is still one of
the most violent shows on TV right now, filled with hangings, graphic
burnings, brandings, crushings, thumb screws, the Pear of Anguish (if
you don't know what it is, you soon will if you watch this series),
drownings (via "The Ducking Stool"), Bootikins (a.k.a.
"The Boots"), The Cleansing Of The Soul, stocks and one
possessed woman bites off her own finger. These are only a few of the
devices and ways used to get normal, everyday people to confess they
were witches, with the corrupt Church unaware that there are actual
witches in Salem out to make the Church pay for their sins. It's as
violent as MARK OF THE DEVIL
(1970), but without the free stomach
distress bag. While the story is pretty generic (a man [Shane
West; NIKITA - 2010-2013]
returns from the war, only to find his hometown of Salem in the
throes of a witch-frenzy, with his innocent [?] wife also accused as
one), most people will be watching it for the stomach-turning
violence. That is, if they get the channel at all. My cable company
does not carry it (my review is based on screeners), so my only hope
of watching it is if it is on VOD on my Roku 3 streaming player. If I
can't get it there, I will have to wait for the eventual Blu-Ray/DVD
release. I give the series points for pushing the boundaries of what
is acceptable violence on a non-pay cable channel (Most of the
episodes are Rated TV-MA), but since this series has been in the
planning stages since 2012, the story line could have been much, much
better (One Puritan actually says , "I call bullshit!").
Proceed at your own risk, but the violence here makes that in THE
WALKING DEAD look like a Disney series. Also starring Xander
Berkeley, Janet Montgomery, Ashley Madekwe and Seth Gabel as
real-life witch-killing minister Cotton Mather. You have been warned. (NOTE:
It has been renewed for a second season, with the beautiful Lucy
Lawless added to the cast as Queen of all Witches and her performance
outshines everyone else's. Welcome back to TV Lucy! We missed you.) *
Showtime's PENNY DREADFUL
(Sundays
10:00pm) is a limited series mash-up of all horror icons of 19th
Century 1891 Victorian London, including Dr. Frankenstein (Harry
Treadaway), his Monster (Rory Kinnear), Dorian Gray (Reeve Carney),
characters from the Dracula novel like Mina Harker (Olivia Llewellyn;
but not Dracula himself, at least not yet) and stars Timothy Dalton,
Josh Hartnett and Eva Green as original characters in this gothic
melodrama with plenty of bloody violence (the first scene opens with
the dismemberment murders of a young girl and her pregnant mother).
The real-life literature written during this period will blow your
mind, including Stevenson's THE STRANGE CASE OF DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE
and Welles' WAR OF THE WORLDS and THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU
are just a few examples. At first the storyline to this series is
confusing and illogical, but it soon calms down and becomes a scary,
gory ride where people don't always seem who they say they are. There
are a lot of strange visuals on view and some nice art direction, but
since Showtime was stingy and only sent me the screener of the first
episode, I will have to watch the rest of the 10-episode season with
you. The first episode sets up fish-out-of water American
sharpshooter Ethan Chandler (Hartnett) arrival in London in a Wild
West show and the way it affects African explorer Sir Malcolm Murray
(Dalton) and spiritualist Vanessa Ives (Green) and all the other
characters. Sir Malcolm needs Ethan's skills to help him find his
missing daughter and soon Dr. Frankenstein and his Monster join in
the search. Has Jack The Ripper returned after a three year absence?
Since I love gothic melodramas and it looks like THE
MENTALIST is not going to be renewed (Nope, It was renewed
on August 10, 2014 for a final 7th Season. Yea!), this looks like my
go-to show on Sundays at 10:00pm for 8 weeks. I'm afraid I can't tell
you more because I'm just in the dark as you are, but this looks like
it could be a mind-bending series that mixes fictional literary
characters with new ones (I can tell you that Ethan and Dorian Gray
have sex!). Only time will tell, but since Showtime no longer has DEXTER,
this and RAY DONOVAN
will be the channel's two
cornerstone series (HOMELAND
is showing its age as it returns for a fourth season and MASTERS
OF SEX doesn't appeal to me as it enters a second
season [still, congratulations to Allison Janney for her 2014 Emmy
Award® for Guest Guest Actress in a Drama Series, her second
Emmy® of the year {her second was for Outstanding Supporting
Actress in a Comedy Series for the sitcom MOM}],
with a third season to follow in 2015.) that will either make
Showtime a name to contend with or sink them like the Titanic. My
vote if for the former. NOTE: The series has already been
renewed for a second season. One June 16, 2015 it was renewed for a
third season. NOTE #2: It seemed like the third season was the
last, which took everyone by surprise (including myself) when they
killed Eva Green's character in the final episode of the season and
an end title card stating simply "THE END" was shown on
screen. It caused a firestorm on the internet, but I found it to be
the perfect ending for a series dripping heavy in gothic atmosphere.
The fact that Showtime was able to keep the end of the series a
secret is one of the most amazing parts. * CROSSBONES
(Fridays 10:00pm) is the second pirate series of 2014 (Starz's BLACK
SAILS was the first and was renewed for a third season on
October 12, 2014 and then for a fourth season on July 31, 2015 before
the third season even started.) and it is the third series on NBC to
be shown in that time slot (the canceled DRACULA
and the renewed HANNIBAL,
which had one hell of a season-ender, were the other two) and it is
also by far the weakest. The always enjoyable John Malkovich portrays
Edward, a.k.a. Blackbeard the Pirate (although Molkovich only sports
a small grey beard) and his band of mateys are infiltrated by Tom
Lowe (Richard Coyle), the pirate-day version of James Bond, as he
tries to destroy Blackbeard's business and catch him in the act of
piracy, so everyone can see him hanging at the end of a rope. This
once 10-episode series, cut down to 9 episodes, is pretty to look at
(although some of the CGI is dodgy), but it is apparent that
Malkovich is just slumming here and just having fun when he should be
acting a litle more serious. The storyline is uninvolving and it
looks like NBC doesn't have much faith it it, so don't look for it to
get a renewal next season unless a miracle happens and it becomes a
cult series (but I doubt that very much because it plays fast and
loose with the time period it supposedly takes place in). As eye
candy, the series is a dandy, but as a drama, best to go visit your
mama. Hey, that rhymes! I'm not going to stick around to watch any
more episodes and I am sure that I am not the only one. Hiring
Malkovich to do a series was a genius idea, but to put him in
something this ordinary and unimaginative was a bullshit idea. He
could have been put into something much better than this, like James
Spader was put on THE BLACKLIST.
Oh well, live and learn. * Other TV news: The USA Network
Spring 2014 series SIRENS,
a dramedy about three paramedics (of course one of them is gay) and
their antics on and off duty from Executive Producers Denis Leary and
Bob Fisher has been renewed for a second season; Robert Rodriguez's
new El Rey Network (which my cable company has yet to get) has
renewed the Spring 2014 TV series version of FROM
DUSK TILL DAWN for a second season; Speaking of second
seasons, the second season of Lifetime Network's THE
WITCHES OF EAST END began July 6, 2014; On September 2,
2014, it was announced that Fox's late Spring 2014 series, GANG
RELATED, has been cancelled and there will be no second
season, making SLEEPY HOLLOW
the only new one hour network TV drama series to get renewed on the
Fox 2013 - 2014 season.
October
16, 2013: Goodbye to Detective John Munch and Richard Belzer from LAW
& ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT
(1999 - 2013). Not only was your character the longest-running role
in television history, you managed to appear as the same character on
a record number of shows, including most of the LAW & ORDER franchises;
HOMICIDE:
LIFE ON THE STREET (1993
- 1999; where the character originated); THE
X-FILES
(a 1997 episode titled "Unusual Suspects"); THE
BEAT
(a 2000 episode called "They Say It's Your Birthday"); ARRESTED
DEVELOPMENT
(a 2006 episode titled "Exit Strategy"); THE
WIRE
(a 2008 episode called "Took") and 30
ROCK
(a 2011 episode titled "¡Qué Sorpresa!"). You
will be missed for your many conspiracy theories (a true-life Belzer
trait, too), your sarcastic humor (especially about your many
marriages and divorces), your black suit with dark sunglasses and
fedora, some standout episodes of SVU and your longevity in a
medium where time is usually short and not-so-sweet. Although many
people (myself included) complained about your lack of substantial
screen time in some of the episodes during the middle of the first
decade of the New Millennium, you always handled yourself with grace
and dignity. Although you rarely got an episode devoted solely to
your character, when you did, they were some of the most memorial
episodes of the series (The fifth season assisted-suicide episode
titled "Painless", with guest star Marlee Matlin, was one
of the best Munch-centric shows of the series, as was the eighth
season episode titled "Uncle", where Jerry Lewis portrayed
Detective Munch's mentally
unstable uncle.), Here's to bigger and better things Richard Belzer!
I hope we don't see the last of Detective John Munch. Thank you for
over 20 years of entertaining television! NOTE: He pays Olivia
Benson (Mariska Hargitay) a visit on the final episode of the 15th
Season, so Retired Detective Munch is still around! And while we are
at it, let's bid a fond farewell to Dann Florek, who played Captain
Donald Cragen on both LAW & ORDER (from 1990 to 1994) and
then on LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT (from 1999 to
2014; both from their pilot episodes). He was written out of the 15th
season of SVU shortly after Belzer left the series due to him
reaching mandatory retirement age of 63 in the police force (Florek
is actually 64) and was replaced by Donal Logue as Lieutenant Declan
Murphy after Mariska Hargitay had a short-lived command of the squad.
Florek appeared in over 400 episodes of both series. He will also be
missed. But the series has survived more than a handful of major cast
changes and still goes strong. Only Hargitay is now an original
member of the series. And why does she get more beautiful as every
season debuts? Could it be because she inherited some great genes
(from Jayne Mansfield and Mickey Hargitay, who are both no longer
with us.)? As long as she is on the show, it will survive.
Say
what you want about Bill Olsen and his Code
Red
DVD label (including Bill's sometimes combative and erratic behavior
and taking nasty emails sent to him much too personally), but the
fact is that he keeps turning out some kick-ass product. Most of his
films are released without much fanfare and in limited quantities
(usually, if you don't order the films within the first couple of
months of release, you have to wait
until Bill thinks they are ready to be brought out of the vault, a
strange quirk of his that no one but him understands), but Bill has
been releasing some rare nuggets including early Code Red/Shriek Show
co-releases such as KILLER'S
DELIGHT; TERROR CIRCUS
(a.k.a. BARN OF THE
NAKED DEAD) and SCREAM
(1981), as well as contributing films to the short-lived Rare
Flix triple feature box
sets such as THE
KILLER LIKES CANDY; THE
NINJA STRIKES BACK; REVENGE
OF THE BUSHIDO BLADE and LADY
STREET FIGHTER. Code Red then struck out on their own,
releasing such gems as DON'T
GO IN THE WOODS (the very first Code Red-only release); J.P.
Simon's THE
FABULOUS JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH (The Second Code
Red Release); director Don Jones' THE
FOREST; the long sought-after uncut version of the 1981 gore
film NIGHTMARE; the
crazy-ass martial art/horror film DEVIL'S
EXPRESS (a.k.a. GANG
WARS);
one of my most sought-after films, director Jack Weis' QUADROON;
the long-forgotten, but excellent early-70's thriller BRUTE
CORPS;
director Mark L. Lester's GOLD
OF THE AMAZON WOMEN; a new uncut print of the early-80's
supernatural film EVILSPEAK;
the unjustly ignored 1984 action thriller RUNNING
HOT;
the terrible SOV horror flick BOARDINGHOUSE;
the stunt-filled CHOKE CANYON;
the late Gary Graver's Halloween-themed TRICK
OR TREATS; the motorcycle gang thriller SINNER'S
BLOOD; a 30th Anniversary edition of the cult slasher film MADMAN;
the uncut version of director Bert I. Gordon's THE
POLICE CONNECTION
(a.k.a. THE
MAD BOMBER);
the Wendigo-themed GHOSTKEEPER;
the British-set murder mystery WEEKEND
MURDERS; the violent actioner HEATED
VENGEANCE; the extremely odd supernatural thriller HAUNTED
(1976); the unjustly ignored 1972 thriller RIVALS;
the gay-themed men-in-prison exploitationer CAGED
MEN; the uncut version of director Richard Friedman's DOOM
ASYLUM; the weird and otherworldly THE
VISITOR; director Jim Sotos' excellent racially-themed
slasher flick SWEET
SIXTEEN;
the undeservedly ignored mid-70's psycho-thriller THE
LOVE BUTCHER; the first-ever home video release of the
original uncut version of director Ernest Pintoff's BLADE
(all previous home video releases were of the TV edit with most of
the violence and nudity edited out and new scenes shot in 1979); the
1972 giallo THE DEAD ARE ALIVE;
the fully uncut widescreen version of that 70's television staple THE
WITCHMAKER;
the Italian Post-Apocalypse film EXTERMINATORS
OF THE YEAR 3000 (1983); director Enzo C. Castellari's
sci-fi actioner LIGHT BLAST
(which is mistakenly labeled as a post-apocalypse film); the
racially-charged 1968 thriller IF
HE HOLLERS, LET HIM GO!; the underrated VAMPIRE
AT MIDNIGHT;
the AIDS parable disguised as a horror film THE
CARRIER; a two-disc Unrated Director's Cut of Brett
Leonard's DEAD
PIT;
the 80's police actioner MACE;
a two-DVD version of BEYOND
THE DOOR;
late director David Durston's syphilis-infected thriller STIGMA;
the long-awaited uncut version of the vastly underrated supernatural
possession film RETRIBUTION;
the prison island actioner TERMINAL
ISLAND;
the badly-acted, yet weird CURSE
OF THE BLUE LIGHTS;
the groaner THE UNKNOWN
COMEDY SPECIAL (where the supplements are more interesting
than the main feature); the simply awful kitchen sink comedy NIGHT
OF THE DRIBBLER; the New Orleans set gore film MARDI
GRAS MASSACRE
(which everyone should see at least once); director Bobby A. Suarez's
crazy Filipino actioner DEVIL'S
THREE
(a.k.a. PAY
OR DIE);
the uncut version of director William Grefe's killer snake movie STANLEY;
the uncut version of HORROR
HIGH;
the killer-monster-in-a-mine flick THE
STRANGENESS;
the vastly underrated MESSIAH
OF EVIL;
the incest-themed thriller JULIE
DARLING
(a.k.a. DAUGHTER
OF DEATH);
the excellently bizarre 70's slasher flick THE
REDEEMER: SON OF SATAN;
the long-awaited Bigfoot gore film NIGHT
OF THE DEMON;
the cheesy rubber suit monster flick SLITHIS;
the Spanish post-apocalypse film THE
PEOPLE WHO OWN THE DARK;
the violent Italian/Spanish 1968 Western VENGEANCE;
the Ernest Borgnine Italian sexploitationer (!) LOVE
BY APPOINTMENT (shown in U.S. theaters as HOLIDAY
HOOKERS); the Italian disco comedy THE
FACE WITH 2 LEFT FEET (guess which film it parodies by
clicking on the link) and so much more, including some great double
feature DVDs, including: CLASS
OF '74/GABRIELLA, GABRIELLA; INVASION
OF THE BLOOD FARMERS/SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT;
TERROR
CIRCUS/SCHOOLGIRLS IN CHAINS; THE
POSSESSED/DEMON WITCH CHILD;
THE
BEING/COPKILLERS;
BLOOD
MANIA/LAND OF THE MINOTAUR; SEEDS
OF EVIL/THE TOUCH OF SATAN;
THE
VAMPIRES NIGHT ORGY/DR. JEKYLL VS. THE WEREWOLF;
SCREAM
(1981)/BARN OF THE NAKED DEAD;
THE
HOUSE OF INSANE WOMEN/THE NIGHT OF 1000 CATS; the uncut THE
SEVERED ARM/SO SAD ABOUT GLORIA; ENCOUNTER
WITH THE UNKNOWN/WHERE TIME BEGAN; SATAN'S
SLAVE/TERROR; THE
FOREST/DON'T GO IN THE WOODS; POSSE
FROM HEAVEN/SEXUAL LIBERTY IN PRIVATE;
STONEY/THE
KILLER LIKES CANDY; VOODOO
DOLLS/MADONNA...A CASE OF BLOOD AMBITION; CEMETERY
GIRLS/VAMPIRE HOOKERS; DELIVER
US FROM EVIL/THE FOX AFFAIR; WACKY
TAXI/SUPERARGO; SWINGING
SKI GIRLS/SHE'S 19 AND READY; the two late 60's Italian war
films co-written by Dario Argento PROBABILITY
ZERO/SULLIVAN'S MARAUDERS; the gory Spanish Western CUT-THROATS
NINE/JOSHUA
(a Fred Williamson PG-Rated piece of crap Western); the Tim Kincaid
double feature RIOT
ON 42ND ST./BAD GIRLS DORMITORY; the CHALLENGE
OF THE DRAGON/THE NEEDLE AVENGER
and THE
GODFATHER SQUAD/BRUCE'S LAST BATTLE martial arts double
features; the sexploitation double features TEENAGE
HITCHHIKERS/TEENAGE TRAMP and JOCKS/CLASSROOM
TEASERS, Bill's comic re-editing of two classic PD horror
films NIGHT
OF THE LIVIN' DEADZ/ZOMBIEZ (this is going to cause a rumble
on the Internet for those who don't get the joke); a triple feature
DVD (THE
FEMALE BUNCH/PIRANHA PIRANHA/TARZANA THE WILD GIRL)
and even a James Bryan triple feature (ESCAPE
TO
PASSION/THE DIRTIEST GAME IN THE WORLD/I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU NOT).
As you can see, Bill and Code Red actually listen to their fan base
and put out films that they ask for. Even if you don't agree with
Bill's business acumen and sometimes harsh tone, there's no denying
that he cares about what he does, so go HERE
to see what is available for purchase at any given time and check
back often, because what might be listed as "Sold Out"
could be repressed and up for sale at any given moment. Be aware that
he only accepts payment through PayPal, but he ships fast (I usually
get my DVDs in four days or less!). I would personally like to thank
Bill for giving us fans of obscure films the products we long for.
See if you can get an
invite
to the Facebook Official Code Red site HERE
(make sure you are logged on to Facebook first) to keep updated about
what films are in Code Red's past, present and future, including
their first two Blu-Ray releases, Lucio Fulci's VOICES
FROM BEYOND (1991; also available on DVD)
and Jeff Lieberman's JUST
BEFORE DAWN (1981; also available on DVD).
UPDATE: Bill has posted pre-books for four new DVDs (now all
released), all action and martial arts oriented: FOXBAT
(1977; starring Henry Silva); DEATH
PROMISE (1977; starring Charles Bonet); DEATH
MACHINES (1977; starring Ron Marchini) in its original
aspect ratio for the first time on home video; and BLACK
DRAGON'S REVENGE/THE
BLACK DRAGON
mid-70's martial arts double feature both starring Ron Van Clief.
Bill has announced pre-orders (now available) of Blu-Rays of THE
REDEEMER: SON OF SATAN (1976) NEON
MANIACS (1986), MARY
MARY BLOODY MARY (1975), THE
NAIL GUN MASSACRE (1985) and SAVAGE
STREETS (1984) for release in April 2014 and has plenty more
releases coming in the next few months. Please, if you are a fan of
the strange, unusual or just plain sexy, give Code Red a look and buy
some of their releases. The new Blu-Rays come in a combo pack of five
for $99.99 and save you over $10 if you were to buy them separately.
Bill has also announced that the early-80's slasher film NIGHTMARE
will also be released on Blu-Ray in early July, along with the horror
film UNHINGED (1983)
as part of a Don Gronquist double feature, the second film being MURDER
RUN (1982; a.k.a. STARK
RAVING MAD, which Gronquist produced and wrote, but did not
direct), the post-nuke films WHEELS
OF FIRE
(1984) and the uncut version of EQUALIZER
2000 (1986), both directed by Cirio H. Santiago, and two
as-yet unnamed action films will be released on DVD in the near
future. Also look for DVDs of TOP
OF THE HEAP (1972) and BUTCHER
BAKER NIGHTMARE MAKER (a.k.a. NIGHT
WARNING - 1981) to show up on DVD in the near future. UPDATE
#2: Bill has announced releases of four Australian horror films: INN
OF THE DAMNED (1974), NIGHT
OF FEAR (1972), LADY,
STAY DEAD (1981), all three directed by Terry Bourke, and THE
NIGHT, THE PROWLER (1978) directed by THE
ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW's (1975) Jim Sharman. He has also
worked in conjunction with Scream
Factory to release Blu-Rays of FINAL
EXAM and EVILSPEAK.
Sometime in July, 2014 Bill will release a slew of titles, including
the Blu-Ray of 1981's NIGHTMARE;
CAVE GIRL (1985; Star Daniel
Roebuck put a Golden Ticket inside one of the DVDs and the person who
gets it will receive some movie stuff from Roebuck's collection, but
Bill has stopped selling them for some reason); two six film
compilations, including SIX
PACK VOLUME ONE (which contains the films MARK
OF THE WITCH; ALL
THE YOUNG WIVES; THE
SWINGIN' PUSSYCATS; CRYPT
OF THE LIVING DEAD; THE
DEAN'S WIFE and THE TONGFATHER)
and SIX PACK VOLUME TWO
(which contains SWAP
MEET AT THE LOVE SHACK; THE
MURDER CLINIC; NAUGHTY
SCHOOL GIRLS; SWINGIN'
SWAPPERS; THE LONERS
and THE SWINGIN' STEWARDESSES);
along with three other movies listed above (I'll leave it for you to
find out which ones). NOTE: William Olsen has been acting
somewhat strange as of late (a lot of people would say, "So
what? That's the way he usually acts."), but he has been acting
a lot more stranger than usual and not releasing his films on the
schedule he promised and has quit shipping overseas himself and has
not supplied Diabolik with the discs he has promised overseas buyers
(if he did, they all sold out in record time, which I highly doubt).
Don May Jr., who runs Synapse Films, has offered to buy out Code Red,
so we will have to see how this plays out, but since they are bitter
enemies (the least said about the incident, the better), we will see
how this plays out. Strange times indeed. UPDATE #3: September
20, 2014: After a long drought, Bill just announced the pre-booking
of four Blu-Rays in a bundle: MESSIAH
OF EVIL (previously available on DVD), REVENGE
OF THE CHEERLEADERS, BROTHERHOOD
OF DEATH and LADY,
STAY DEAD for release sometime in mid-October 2014 (which I
did buy). In less than a day, he no longer offered them as a
four-pack bundle for $79.99, instead offering them as single discs
only, stating that too many overseas customers were complaining.
Since he no longer ships overseas himself and seems to have found
some type of twisted logic in his mind (he has always shipped discs
overseas, whether he was supposed to or not), he says that he is only
allowed to ship the Blu-Ray MESSIAH OF EVIL overseas and not
the other three films. If Bill keeps up this behavior, there will be
no Code Red in the near future. Let's see if he supplies Diabolik
with enough copies of MESSIAH OF EVIL to satisfy overseas
customers. Meanwhile, overseas customers have to rely on American
friends to purchase the DVDs and Blu-Rays for them and then ship them
to their foreign addresses. Since overseas customers amount to almost
40% of Code Red's customers, there seems to be a lot going wrong here
and it is the customers who are suffering. For five years Bill was
shipping every title he released overseas and now he finds a
conscience? Is this any way to run a DVD company? Or did he get some
type of warning from some license owners of the films he sells? Bill
is staying mum on the subject and would rather forget about every one
of his customers unless they live in North America (yes, Canada can
get every title, but they will have to use Diabolik to get them
(because Bill or Brad [who is handling things in Seattle until Bill's
unknown return] do not want to fill out Customs forms); and pay much
more for the privilege). Is it any wonder Code Red customers are
moving over to Bill's brother Walter's Scorpion Releasing for a much
more stable release schedule and knowing the exact date when titles
are going to be released (not to mention that Walter is opening his
own store in the first week of October 2014 [which was pushed back,
but you can still buy some of his titles at his temporary Big Cartel
store at scorpionreleasing.bigcartel.com])?
Surprises are fun, but when you are nowhere near your vault to
release what has already been pressed (and issue no press releases on
the dates they will be released), customers begin to leave you in
disgust. And his Facebook group is run like the Gestapo, which should
come as no surprise since the head moderator likes to dress up in
Nazi clothing and point her gun at another woman's head. My
infatuation with Code Red is rapidly fading. Bill has no one to blame
but Bill. Scorpion seems to be releasing the better titles now,
except for the Cirio H. Santiago post-nuke and Andy Milligan's films
that Bill has, but who knows when they will be released? UPDATE #4:
Bill Olsen has announced that three Andy Milligan films will be
released on Blu-Ray sometime in the middle of November, 2014 (Turns
out it was the end of November since Bill had an "accident"
where a bunch oh heavy boxes fell on him and he injured the left side
of his body. coughbullshitcough). They are BLOODTHIRSTY
BUTCHERS (1970); TORTURE
DUNGEON (1970) and THE
MAN WITH TWO HEADS
(1972), but still no word on BLOOD
(1974) which Bill also has the print and rights to and is probably
Milligan's best (and most accessible to non-Milligan fans) horror
film. And the Code Red website
has finally been updated after more than a year of showing the same
DVDs (some of which are now OOP) on the homepage. UPDATE #5:
In December 2014, Code Red is offering the following films for sale:
A Blu-Ray of EERIE
MIDNIGHT HORROR SHOW and DVDs of ZEBRA
FORCE (one of my favorite WTF action films of the 70's); the
early-70's obscure thriller MY
OLD MAN'S PLACE; director Mark Pirro's 80's horror comedy DEATHROW
GAMESHOW; double feature DVDs of SUPER
STOOGES VS. THE WONDER WOMEN/AMUCK; FORCE
FOUR/THE GUY
FROM HARLEM; and SIX
PACK VOLUME THREE (which Bill says will be the last because
the other two volumes sold so poorly, or as he puts it on the back of
this volume's DVD cover: "Six duds in one big set. Surely you
must like one of them."). He keeps opening and closing his Big
Cartel store because he only takes 20 to 70 orders at a time, closes
his store, mails the orders and then reopens the store without
telling anyone. He supposedly gave 500 copies (including 126 copies
of MESSIAH OF EVIL) of his September 2014 Blu-Ray Four Pack to www.diabolikdvd.com
in late November and they sold out in less than an hour (yeah,
right). I'm glad he has begun releasing films again, but he still
ignores his overseas fanbase (he seems to revel in the drama), calls
his customers names, such as "horders" (sic), puts down the
films he releases (on the back of one DVD cover it says
"Pointless Code Red Trailers") and runs his business
without making much sense at all. I ask you, is this any way to run a
DVD company? UPDATE #6: May 3, 2015: Three new Blu-Rays
appeared on the Code Red Big Cartel store, THE
OBSESSED ONE (which I really, really want!); THE
DEVIL'S WEDDING NIGHT (I'm kind of indifferent to this one)
and NIGHT CHILD
(good, but nothing special), but an hour after they were posted, they
were deleted. I'm sure that they will return on and off again
throughout the next few months, but it would be nice if the titles
stayed on the store so people could buy them at their convenience,
not Code Red's. Bill has also posted two new DVDs for sale: THIS
IS A HIJACK (1973) starring Neville Brand and a double
feature DVD of TRIP
WITH THE TEACHER (1974)/JAIL BAIT BABYSITTER (1977). After a
half-dozen tries, I finally managed to score all the new titles. UPDATE
#7: May 26, 2015: Code Red, like Scorpion Entertainment (run by
Bill Olsen's brother Walter), announced some exclusive Blu-Ray titles
to be sold only by Screen
Archives Entertainment. The titles are: SHAKMA
(1990); RETRIBUTION
(1987; which Code Red already released on DVD) and Tobe Hooper's SPONTANEOUS
COMBUSTION (1989). Hopefully, Code Red will offer all of
their future releases this way, because overseas customers will be
able to purchase them (even though they are more expensive than what
is offered on Bill's Big Cartel store). UPDATE #8: In one of
the gutsiest moves in Code Red's history, William Olsen has released
three of late Filipino director Cirio H. Santiago's post-nuke films
on Blu-Ray. They are WHEELS
OF FIRE (1984); EQUALIZER
2000 (1986; it it's uncut form, the first time in the U.S.)
and THE SISTERHOOD
(1987). Since I am a HUGE Cirio H. Santiago fan, I ordered these from
Screen Archives Entertainment as soon as they became available (and
they were delivered to me four days later). Here's hoping that Bill
Olsen continues to take chances like this (Blue Underground released
a trio of Italian post-nuke films around the same time) and get all
of Santiago's post-nuke films, such as STRYKER
(1983), DUNE WARRIORS
(1990) and RAIDERS OF THE SUN
(1991) on DVD or Blu-Ray. If he does, I'll be one of the happiest
people in the world. Buy these discs, people, and let Code Red
thrive! UPDATE #9: Since I have quit Facebook and all their
bullshit, I no longer have anything bad to say about Bill, because he
keeps his Big Cartel open without closing it down, allowing me to
purchase some OOP DVDs that would have cost me a lot more from Amazon
Sellers or on eBay (His store is chock-full of back-dated goodies,
but make sure you click on the "All" button to see the
second page of DVDs & Blu-Rays or you'll be missing out on a lot
of goodies.). He also has released a few more Blu-Rays on Screen
Archives Entertainment that are exclusive, including Andy Milligan's THE
RATS ARE COMING...THE WEREWOLVES ARE HERE (1972) and LEGACY
OF SATAN (1972)/BLOOD (1974) (thanks for BLOOD, Bill,
and it looks like it's in its uncut form for the first time on home
video!), making me a very happy man. Other Code Red Blu-Ray
exclusives are TERROR CIRCUS
(a.k.a. BARN OF THE
NAKED DEAD - 1974; which has already been released three
times on Code Red DVD) and the Italian crime film THE
SICILIAN CONNECTION (1973) starring the late Ben Gazzara. I
have to say I am delighted to see Code Red thrive and Bill doing so
well. Now, if he would just answer my emails! UPDATE #10: It
looks like Code Red is strictly in the Blu-Ray market now, as they
haven't released a new DVD (except for SPLITZ
- 1982) in over half a year. Their newest Blu-Ray releases are three
Cirio H. Santiago treasures released by Screen Archives Entertainment
only: THE DEVASTATOR
(1985), SILK (1986) and DUNE
WARRIORS (1990; with 15 minutes of footage restored that
Roger Corman edited out. A special shout-out to Bill for releasing
this one since I've been wanting it on disc for a long, long time.).
He also released some Blu-Rays of his previous DVD releases in his
Big Cartel store. Time for DVD-only people to upgrade because these
Santiago & Milligan Blu-Ray titles look like they were filmed
yesterday! Not all of Bill's recent releases need to be on Blu-Ray,
but I really appreciate the time spent to put together the Milligan
films. And it couldn't have been easy with the Santiago films,
either. But films like CUT-THROATS
NINE, NAIL
GUN MASSACRE, THE STRANGENESS,
THE PEOPLE WHO
OWN THE DARK, BRUTE
CORPS and THE
VAMPIRES NIGHT ORGY were perfectly fine on DVD. No need to
upgrade. UPDATE #11: More new Blu-Rays available only through
Screen Archives Entertainment, including an unexpected KNIFE
FOR THE LADIES (1973), EYE
IN THE LABYRINTH (1972), WHITE
GHOST (1987; uncut for the first time on home video) and
late director Ivan Nagy's vastly underrated DEADLY
HERO (1975). UPDATE #12:
April 12, 2016: Bill has finally released a batch of new DVDs that
are available on his Big Cartel store only. Some of the titles
include (all the films are in anamorphic widescreen): SPASMS
(1982); a double feature of THE
NIGHT THE PROWLER (1978)/DEVIL WOMAN (1973); and the amazing MARIA'S
KUNG FU MAYHEM, which is five 1970's Hong Kong & Chinese
martial art films on two DVDs. There are even more titles, which I
will be buying and scanning when Bill re-opens his Big Cartel store. UPDATE
#13: July 14, 2016: Bill Olsen continues to surprise. After
watching the trailer on nearly every Code Red release, Bill has
finally released FAMILY HONOR
(1973) on Blu-Ray, along with the late Wayne Crawford-starrer HEADHUNTER
(1989) and the Bert I. Gordon's original R-Rated version of NECROMANCY
(1972; it was cut theatrically for a PG Rating and then it had
softcore orgy footage added to it and was released Unrated in
1983 on VHS by Paragon
Home Video as THE WITCHING,
also on Blu-Ray for the first time on home video (I ordered it
immediately and received it in three days! Lucky for me I did,
because it looks like it sold out. NOTE: William Olsen
actually pulled the Blu-Ray from his store because it was the
PG-Rated Version and not the hard-to-find original R-Rated Version as
it says on the sleeve. This is the reason why small labels get called
names. I ordered the other two titles a couple of days later and
received them in two days! Thanks, Bill, but next time at least do
some investigation of the film versions you are releasing.). Bill
also has plenty of other surprises on the horizon (He just released MANIAC!
[1977] and THE BLACK GESTAPO
[1975] on Blu-Ray with reversible covers on his Big Cartel store),
including a slew of Italian horror (HOUSE
ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK [1979] anyone? How about THE
SLASHER a.k.a. SO SWEET, SO DEAD [1972]? Or AFTER
THE FALL OF NEW YORK (1983)?) and thriller films (He made a
deal with a huge Italian distributor) and other slasher and
exploitation films from the 70's & 80's. Now if he would only get
rid of that stupid banana suit and quit ragging on other labels! Code
Red has been on a literal tear, releasing most of their DVD's into
Blu-Rays and also releasing some other films (like THE
ELECTRIC CHAIR - 1975; TRAPPED
- 1981; BLASTFIGHTER
- 1984; TWISTED
NIGHTMARE - 1987 and HAPPY
HELL NIGHT - 1991) on a regular basis. You would have to
have a small fortune in the bank to buy all their new product. UPDATE
#14: December 2017: Bill has released a ton of new Blu-rays,
including some exclusive to Diabolik,
including the double feature LIGHTNING
BOLT (1966)/THE RESURRECTION OF ZACHARY WHEELER (1971; which
is considered the first feature film shot on videotape and
transferred to film for theatrical release); DEVIL
WOMAN (1973)/DRAGONS NEVER DIE (1974; an original U.S.
theatrical double feature!) and a beautiful print of one of my
favorite horror films, BUTCHER
BAKER NIGHTMARE MAKER (1981; a.k.a. NIGHT
WARNING), complete with reversible sleeve. UPDATE #15: February
2018:
Code Red has joined forces with new label Dark
Force Entertainment (which I believe is a sub-label of
Code Red) to release a series of Blu-Ray double features. The first double
feature Blu-Ray contains the LAST
HOUSE ON THE LEFT clone CHAOS
(2003) along with an anamorphic widescreen version of DON'T
LOOK IN THE BASEMENT! Bill has also released a beautiful,
uncut Blu-Ray of CUT
AND RUN (1985), complete with cardboard slipcase and a
reversible sleeve. See my review HERE.
UPDATE #16: New Blu-Ray purchases include THE
APARTMENT ON THE 13TH FLOOR (a.k.a. CANNIBAL
MAN - 1972) and EMMANUELLE
AND THE DEADLY BLACK COBRA (a.k.a. BLACK
COBRA WOMAN - 1976). UPDATE #17: February 2019: Some
recent Code Red Blu-Ray purchases include VIOLENT
PROFESSIONALS (1973); THE
GREAT ALLIGATOR (1979); JUNGLE
HOLOCAUST (1977) and GIALLO
IN VENICE (1979) and MURDER-ROCK:
DANCING DEATH (1984; The last two by Scorpion Releasing, but
let's not nick-pick!)). I heard Bill Olsen had to be transported to
the hospital. Here's hoping he makes a full recovery and continues
churning out these rare titles! UPDATE #18: September 2019:
Back in early 2017, Bill Olsen announced he was going to release THE
MUMMY'S REVENGE (a.k.a. VENGEANCE
OF THE MUMMY - 1973/1975) on Blu-Ray. Imagine my surprise
when Bill's brother, Walter Olsen, and his label Scorpion Releasing
just released the film on BR, in an uncut "extended composite
cut" (91 min), as well as the 89-minute "shorter
version". There are no extras on the disc, but I have been
waiting for an uncut version to be released in the States before I
would review it. I owe Paul Naschy at least that much. Look for a
review soon.
February 16, 2014: One of the Encore pay cable channels just ran the uncut version of Meir Zarchi's I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE (1978). They advertise it as the R-rated version, but believe me, it is the uncut version. I thought it was a misprint on my DVR and they were actually going to show an R-Rated version of the 2010 remake, but imagine my surprise when I saw it was the uncut print of the original version. I still like the 2010 version better (of which a sequel was made in 2013), but it took balls to release this 70's classic of rape and vengeance on TV. As far as I know this was the first time it was ever shown uncut on television. Or shown on television at all. Too bad it was a fullscreen version, but for people who have never seen it and watched it for the first time (especially the bathtub penis slicing), it must have been quite the eye-opener with continuous rape, both male and female full-frontal nudity and shocking bits of violence. I remember showing this on VHS to a bunch of friends (mostly female) during the early 90's while we were down at the Jersey Shore and they still talk about it till this day. It's one of those movies that never leaves your brain once you have seen it. To show it in its full uncut glory on TV took guts. I checked for the next two weeks and it is not on their schedule to be shown again, but just showing it once is a milestone in TV. It's not like when FX aired a heavily edited version of Wes Craven's LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972) on their channel. This was the real unadulterated deal. Bravo, Encore. Bravo. What's next, NEKROMANTIK (1987)? UPDATE: Encore Suspense has two showings on Saturday April 19, 2014 starting at 11:05 PM. Set your DVRs! NOTE: Encore Suspense also showed the 2010 remake on September 1, 2014 in widescreen. It was advertised as the R-Rated version, but it was also the Unrated version. I'm impressed that even pay cable stations would show these films. UPDATE #2: On April 9, 2016, Encore Suspense showed all three recent movies, including Part 2 (2013) & Part 3 (2015). Just like before, they advertized them as the R-Rated Versions, but they were actually the uncut versions.
1)
WENG'S CHOP
- a recently new zine (20 issues so far, which includes 3 half issues
and a #0) that covers everything from American to Mexican, Malaysian
and other foreign weirdness. Not available by subscription, but
issues can be picked up easily online from Amazon. A great read from
beginning to end. I really loved the article and interview in Issue 3
with the owner on Mark IV Productions, who made those religious films
like A THIEF IN THE NIGHT,
A DISTANT THUNDER, IMAGE
OF THE BEAST and THE
PRODIGAL PLANET in the 70's & 80's. Be prepared to spend
hours with each issue, because most issues are binded and run over
100 pages. This is not your father's home-made zine. One of my
favorites as soon as I started to read the first issue. Editor &
Publisher Brian Harris and Editor & Designer Timothy Paxton have
turned out a zine full of rare ad mats and photos from films you
likely never heard of before. This should be an instant buy for
readers of this site. NOTE: Issue #5 is an astounding 265
pages long. This sucker is not a magazine, it's a fricking book! And
a fricking good book at that. Another major plus is that there are no
advertisements, which makes the 265 pages all meat and no filler.
What are you waiting for? Go to Amazon and order it ASAP! NOTE #2:
Issue #6 is another monstrosity; a staggering 240 pages
of everything you could demand in a horror magazine and more. Author
Steve Fenton does his usual amazing job in Part 2 of his extensive
article of jungle women films (you'd be surprised how many there
are!) and lists reviews of all the films that start with the letter M
to the letter Z; Brian Harris writes about the trilogy of Japanese RAPE
ZOMBIE films (new to me); writer George Pacheco writes about
the STAR WARS rip-off films
of director Al Bradley (a.k.a, Alfonso Brescia); Author Troy Howarth
writes about the WIP films of director Jess Franco (my least favorite
director, but the article is good); There's a great long
collaborative article by Brian Harris and George Pacheco about the
waning years (1987- 1992) of Italian horror films, with extensive
reviews of all the films of the period (my second favorite article of
the issue); Writer Peter Davis has a look at the SAW
MASSACRE trilogy (so far) of films. If you never heard of SAW
MASSACRE, don't worry. They are just German retitlings of films
like KNOCK KNOCK
(2006) that can be found on this website; Writer Louis Paul writes a
nice article about mostly 70's pornography films that contain horror
elements; Brian Harris interviews Andrew Allan of Cult
Movie Mania, who releases films like BLOODY
BLOODY BIBLE CAMP (2012), usually in both VHS and DVD
incarnations; Harris also interviews horror artist Kelly Forbes and
illustrator/comics creator Joe Deagnon; Phillip Root does an
extensive article on the low-budget 1985 gore film BITS
AND PIECES and talks to director Leland Thomas, who explains
how Trans World Entertainment made him remove some gore shots from
the VHS release (photos of which we see in the article) and that all
the missing film shots were destroyed, although he still retains a
1" tape master of them; My favorite article of the issue: a
collaborative look and review of all the mid-Century beach films,
whether horror-based or not. This article runs for over 30 pages and
is chock-full of information of films you may have never heard of
before; Stephen R. Bissette takes a look at the 1964 HORROR
OF PARTY BEACH photo comic (I still own mine from when I
originally bought it as a kid); Bissette also does a great article on
fairy tale horror films; A long overdue look at what films Godfrey Ho
used as the basis of his cut-and-paste films by writer Jeff Goodhartz
(I hope this is a continuing article in future issues); An obituary
section by Steven Ronquillo; a bunch of film reviews for movies not
usually given the respect they are due; another article on Jess
Franco, this time Greek VHS tapes of his films and so much more.
It's about time everyone jumped aboard the WENG'S CHOP train and
enjoyed the ride. It only costs a measly $12.00 and will give you the
satisfaction that so few horror zines today do. NOTE #3: Issue
#6.5 is a digest-sized 109-page special issue that is smaller in size
and page numbers, but still has the high level of writing we come to
expect from Brian, Tim, Tony & Steve. After a mostly funny series
of editorials about Halloween by Brian, Tony and Tim (who still
manages to throw in a couple of little-known Indian family-friendly
fantasy films into his editorial), there's a 25-page review section
of genre films from the 1950's & 60's (THE
LEECH WOMAN - 1960) till today (WEREWOLF
RISING - 2014), some (like writer Steve Fenton's review of
the Jack Palance-starrer CRAZE -
1973) getting more space than others. All the reviews are written by
different people and are enjoyable reads that make you want to go out
and buy some (which I plan to do on Amazon once I am done with this
review). We then move to the interview section, where the first
person to be interviewed is director Daniel Stamm (THE
LAST EXORCISM - 2010; 13 SINS
- 2014; both films I found highly entertaining) by writer Art
Stevenson, which covers Stamm's career in films from the beginning
and is very informative. The next article is Stevenson's interview
with director Marcus Dunston, who was the architect of the SAW
film franchise (2004 - 2010) and directed the effective home invasion
flicks THE COLLECTOR (2009)
and its sequel THE COLLECTION
(2012), which were twisty, booby-trapped horror films. Next up is
Louis Paul's collection of reviews of 70's porno films, back when
porno had a plot as well as hardcore sex. I'm not a big porno fan,
but Louis could make ice an interesting subject to Eskimos. Following
that is Part 1 of George Pacheco's overview of strange director Mario
Siciliano, who made Italian porno films, while directing weird
non-porn films like EVIL EYE
(1974) and ROLF (1983; his last
film). Siciliano made 16 films between 1974 and 1983, the majority of
them being hardcore porn films. Pacheco does a great job of
describing the films of this obviously deranged director and I can't
wait to read Part 2. Next up is Brian Harris' article on the six most
ridiculous shark films of the past nine years and I couldn't agree
with his choices more (He wisely avoids the SHARKNADO franchise
because we all know how awful they are), although I do like HAMMERHEAD:
SHARK FRENZY (2005), just for the stupidity of it all.
Author Stephen R. Bissette then goes into a lengthy review of
director Kevin Smith's horror film TUSK
(2014), which he advises those who have not seen the film not to read
his article until they do (I'm also in the minority of liking Smith's
other horror film RED STATE -
2011). I have seen the film and agree (mostly) with Stephen's
assessment of it. Up next is the strangest article in the issue:
Writer James Bickert's pairing of the top 10 pumpkin beers and the
films each one should be watched with. I don't know where James
(a.k.a. "Dirty Uncle Jimbo") came up with this novel idea,
but it sure as hell was an entertaining read. We then move on to Tony
Strauss' article on the lesser-known Halloween animated TV specials,
many that haven't been shown after they originally aired. Did you
known The Grinch made a Halloween special? Well, he did, in 1977.
Following that is Christos Mouroukis and Christoforos Theodorou's
career retrospective of Greek director Nikos Nikolaidis, who is best
known to western audiences for directing the violent and
controversial SINGAPORE SLING
(1990), but as you will read, he made much stranger films than this
and was also a novelist and TV commercial director, to boot! The
always-enjoyable Steven Ronquillo then offers his recollections of
his favorite 70's & early-80's Halloween TV shows, including THE
PAUL LYNDE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL (1976; the expression on
Lynde's face when he first looks at rock group KISS is priceless!)
and the highly effective 1981 Halloween horror film, THE
DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW. The issue closes out with a
review of author Lee Lambert's book "The Illustrated History Of
Don Post Studios" and bios on all the writers who contributed to
this issue. Once again another winner of an issue, which is all
information and no advertisements. Please pass on the information to
all your friends how good WENG'S CHOP is and how nothing in the DIY
zine universe comes close to this in sheer informational and
entertainment value. NOTE #4: WENG'S CHOP still holds the
mantle for best DIY zine well into 2015. The only thing I wish is
that it was published on a regular schedule like sister zine
MONSTER!. But each issue is giant in page numbers (with no
advertizing) and well worth the wait.
2)
EVILSPEAK - The debut
issue of this professionally made horror zine should be an instant
buy for anyone who loves horror films from around the world. Although
subscriptions are not yet avaialable, you can buy the debut issue on
Facebook (Search "Evilspeak Magazine") and pay through
PayPal. I got my issue about four days after I ordered it. The first
issue covers everything from Paul Naschy's HORROR
RISES FROM THE TOMB, a detailed story about late horror/film
reviewer Chas Balun, an interview with Heather Langencamp, detailed
reviews of the BLOOD ISLAND
trilogy, MOUNTAINTOP
MOTEL MASSACRE, THE
DEMON LOVER, TOURIST
TRAP, EVILSPEAK
(the film of which this zine is named after) and an interview with
Ulli Lommel and a review of some of his earlier films (thank God they
weren't of his later films!). There is much, much more enjoyment for
the horror film fan and Publishers/Editors
Billy & Vanessa Nocera, with assists from Donald Farmer, Mike
Howlett, William Sievers and artists like Reuben Splatterbeast (I
have some of his original artwork hanging in my living room), along
with plenty of photos and ad mats, have turned out an excellent first
issue that I hope has a very long healthy life. NOTE: Issue #2
has been released and it is another excellent issue with a great
layout (one article about facial deconstruction surgery in the movies
is impressively written like it is a record of medical care that you
would find in a hospital!). There are also articles on LADY
FRANKENSTEIN; NIGHT
OF THE WEREWOLF; THE
BEAST WITHIN; a detailed look at Skywald Horror Comics
(Remember them from the 70's? I do.); a detailed look at the
underrated film DISCIPLE OF DEATH;
a Mom and Pop Video Store retrospective (probably my favorite
article of this issue); a look at director Jean Rollin's FASCINATION
and star Brigitte Lahie; writer Aaron Christensen's look at six
different horror films and the threads that connect them all; a look
at the film THE FEMALE BUTCHER;
a detailed review of TWINS OF EVIL;
a detailed look at director Joe D'Amato's BUIO
OMEGA (a.k.a. BURIED ALIVE
and BEYOND THE DARKNESS)
and the musical score of Goblin; reviews of HARD
ROCK ZOMBIES and KILLER PARTY
by writer William Sievers; a look at 80's sword 'n' sandal films; a
look at more of Joe D'Amato's exploitation career, including ANTHROPOPHAGOUS
(a.k.a. THE GRIM REAPER); a
review of DAWN OF THE MUMMY;
still another detailed review of BLOOD
ON SATAN'S CLAW; various reviews of other horror films of
the 80's; a nice article by writer John Walter Szpunar about buying
bootleg VHS tapes when it was your only way of seeing foreign films
like THE DEVIL'S
WEDDING NIGHT and many others; a look at late directors'
Joseph Larraz's VAMPYRES and
Juan Lopez Moctezuma's ALUCARDA
(a.k.a. SISTERS OF SATAN)
and a whole bunch of other stuff crammed into 105 pages of pure
bliss, including artwork by Reuben Splatterbeast. Issue #2 also comes
with a toe tag from "D'Amato Morgue", a nice little extra.
In other words another winner of an issue. Here's hoping EVILSPEAK
lasts a long, long time. NOTE #2: Still waiting for Issue #4
to drop (Issue #3 was the size of a book and crammed full of great
articles), since they promised it was going to be over 300 pages
long. Now that's dedication! NOTE #3: Issue #4 dropped and
it's a giant 210 page monster, crammed with articles (including a
Pete Walker/David McGillivray retrospective; glad I'm not the only
one who is a fan of THE COMEBACK
[1977; not written by McGillivray] and Amando de Ossorio's BLIND
DEAD films), artwork and some well laid-out pages. There's a
reason this is one of my favorite zines (even though it is more like
a book) and I keep an extra issue in my bathroom for those long dump
breaks (That's a compliment, not a put-down.). Get on Amazon and
order a copy ASAP. NOTE #4: Issue #5 (200 pages) will be the
beginning of the zine being published once a year. So we will have to
wait until November 2017 for Issue #6. (UPDATE:
Sad to say, it looks like EVILSPEAK is gone for good).
3)
MONSTER! -
Founder/Editor/Jack-Of-All-Trades Tim Paxton has revived his old
publication and I am glad to report that if your thing is for monster
films, than this is the publication for you. Filled with reviews of
monster films from around the world, Issue #2 (it is published
monthly) is filled with reviews from America, Mexico, India and Hong
Kong for a lot of films I never heard of, so each 66 to 70 page issue
(professionally bound like Paxton's WENG'S CHOP, but in a digest
format) was a wellspring of new information to me. That makes it an
essential purchase. Subscriptions are not available, though
individual issues can be purchased online from Amazon. Everyone likes
monster films, but learning about monster films you never heard of
before just makes it all the sweeter. NOTE: Issue #3 is now
available and if you like Bigfoot films or monster films from Canada,
this is a must-buy issue. And Steve Ronquillo continues his excellent
article on the monster films of India's The Ramsay Brothers. I may
have to move this zine up a number or two if it gets any better! (and
it probably will). I would also like to thank Issue #3 for making me
take a chance on seeing PACIFIC RIM
(2013). What a great film! I would have passed it by if not for Brian
Harris' review. NOTE #2: Issue #4 is now available and it is
its regular great read, especially author Douglas Waltz's "Bottom
Of The Barrell Bigfoot" article of reviews of the worst recent
Bigfoot films that escaped on home video for public consumption.
Sorry to say that I have already seen most of them and could have
used this article months ago. NOTE #3: Issue #5 has now been
released and is it has its usually excellent writing. It has an
article on the Filipino BLOOD
TRILOGY that blows the article in GRINDHOUSE PURGATORY #2
out of the water, mainly because writer Louis Paul tosses-in his
personal history with those films. Seriously, if you want to learn
about monster films from all around the world you have never heard of
before, you can do not better than MONSTER! This issue has many
reviews (including a lengthly review of OCTAMAN
and one of my 80's favorites, ISLAND
CLAWS), as well as a timely retrospective of Godzilla films
and other juicy goodies. If I haven't convinced you on buying an
issue (it's only $5.00, for crying out loud!), then you just plain
don't like monster movies. And I pity you. NOTE #4: Issue #6
has just been released and it's another winner. Inside its 74 pages
are really informative articles on THE
ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN OF THE HIMALAYAS, THE
CYCLOPS, recent Mummy movies, a really well-written article
on THE DUNWICH HORROR
(1970) and how star Dean Stockwell brought something fresh to his
role as H.P. Lovecraft's Wilber Whateley (detouring from Lovecraft's
version and adding a hippie aspect to the proceedings), "found
footage" monster movies (God, how I hate them!), Dracula movies
and the usual reviews of monster films from around the world that
many of you probably never heard of (and thankfully, I'm not the only
one who thinks FRANKENSTEIN'S
ARMY is unique, even if it is considered a "found
footage" film). So get off your fat lazy asses and buy this
issue now. Hell, stay on your fat bums and order it from Amazon off
your computer! NOTE #5: Issue #7 contains the usual excellent
reviews of monster films around the world, plus special features of
sexy vampire films (complete with nudity), Taiwanese and Indian
fantasy films (some of them you have to read to believe!) and
articles on HAND OF DEATH
(1962) and THE
INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN (1977) and and Steven M. Ronquillo's
interview with director Christopher R. Mihm, who directed the 2013
throwback to 50's monster films, the ultra-low-budget THE
GIANT SPIDER,
which Ronquillo reviews after the interview (I may just have to buy
this one!). Another outstanding issue that even has a review of the
first episode FX's new series THE
STRAIN. NOTE #6: Issue #8 may be the best issue yet.
Editor/Jack-of-all- trades Tim Paxton continues with Part 5 of his
look at the House Of Ramsay, India's premiere film company of monster
weirdness (Can't wait for the book Tim!). I always learn something
new with these articles and it wants me to see them all the more.
Greg Goodsell looks at Roger Corman's NOT
OF THIS EARTH (1957) and the two remakes (1988 & 1995)
and offers more information on the movie then I ever heard of before.
Great article. Brian Harris interviews 13
EERIE (2012) and WOLFCOP
(2014) director Lowell Dean. If you haven't seen the movie, I suggest
you do. There's a slew of monster movie reviews, including an
extended review of KNIGHTS
OF BADASSDOM (2013) by Adam Parker-Edmondston. An extended
and detailed look at all the Paul Naschy/Waldemar Daninsky werewolf
films in chronological order by writer Louis Paul and where you can
find them for purchase. (Naschy is a horror hero of mine, which is
why his obituary, along with Forrest J Ackerman's, will never be
taken off the home page of this site). Stephen R. Bissette takes a
long look at pre-1970's fungus horror films (Why has no one thought
of this before and why is the theme song for THE
GREEN SLIME now occupying my brain?). And, of course, the
always helpful movie checklist at the end of this 74 page zine which
allows you to locate any film reviewed in the issue by just looking
up the title, along with tidbits of information about each film not
mentioned in the actual reviews themselves. All zines should have
this feature because it make looking up a title extremely easy.
Please support this zine by buying all the issues you may have missed
and if you haven't bought an issue yet: Shame on you. One of the few
zines I read in one sitting from cover to cover without looking at
the clock and watching the hours click away. Another great job, Tim! NOTE
#7: Issue #9 hit Amazon in late September and it's another
interesting issue. It opens with Stephen R. Bissette's lengthy and
informative article on the 1959 Swedish monster film RYMD
INVASION I LAPPLAND (a.k.a. TERROR
IN THE MIDNIGHT SUN) and the Jerry Gross re-edit (with added
scenes of John Carradine) which turned it into the
incomprehensible 1962 mess INVASION
OF THE ANIMAL PEOPLE, (much in the same way REPTILICUS
was treated). It shows how Jerry Gross made his bones early in his
career by recutting foreign films and then selling them to theaters
and TV. Definitely an interesting retrospect, complete with
interviews of late screenwriter Arthur C. Pierce and late director
Virgel W. Vogel, who both offer their personal experiences working on
the film and what was done to it after they finished it; extensive
reviews of plenty of monster films around the world, including VOODOO
BLACK EXORCIST (1973) and ESCAPE
FROM CORAL COVE (1986). We then go to Part 1 of writer Steve
Fenton's look into the killer cat genre (they're not quite
werewolves, but just as dangerous), as he starts from the beginning
of the genre, with 1946's THE
CATMAN OF PARIS and works his way to the TV film THE
CAT CREATURE (1973) for the first installment of this
excellent series. Tim Paxton then does my favorite part of this zine,
writing Part 6 of his exhaustive examination of the monster films of
India's infamous House Of Ramsay. The sheer amount of monster films
they turned out cries for some DVD company to subtitle these films on
DVD or Blu-Ray and release them in the U.S. All Tim had were mostly
badly-mastered VCDs or Indian-language only DVDs. If more people
(besides the Indian population, that is) watched these films, they
would become instant classics because of their sheer weirdness. But
the same goes for the Hong Kong horror films I
have been touting for years on my website, but they still don't have
the audience they deserve. I'm glad Tim does this series, because
there are some of us in the U.S. interested in these films and
appreciate him doing us the favor. You get all this for a measly
$5.00. If you like monsters, $5.00 is all you need to get your
monthly fix. I can't go an issue without buying some film they review
or talk about. If that's not what is excellent about this zine, I
don't know what else is (besides the excellent writing). NOTE #8:
Issue #10 has streeted just in time for Halloween 2014 and it is a
giant 100-page ad-free monstrosity (that's a good thing!). After a
funny editorial by co-editor Tim Paxton about Halloween costumes and
what MONSTER! stands for, he begins the issue with a review/insight
piece on the non-Ramsay Bros. Indian monster film KHOONI
PANJA (1991; a.k.a. "Bloody Hand"), which
flopped at the Indian boxoffice, but still sounds interesting. A girl
named Pinky is possessed by the corpse of the ex-wife (her hand
reaches up from the dirt and grabs Pinky before she is able to
struggle free) of the husband who murdered her in the graveyard where
she caught him with his future bride (ah, a graveyard, how
romantic!), vowing revenge on all those who have anything to do with
her husband. Too bad that Pinky is about to become the sister-in-law
of the murderous husband and his ex-wifey won't let a shallow grave
keep her down. All kinds of supernatural things happen (Pinky's eyes
glow when she is possessed), including the appearance of a monster
that in Tim's words "reminds me of William Sach's THE
INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN (1976)" and that's all I needed
to hear for the film to pique my interest. You'll have to read the
rest of the review for yourself. Tim then goes on to review a 2014
Indian monster film called CREATURE 3D,
which also bombed at the box office and has some terrible CGI, but
Tim makes me want to see it anyway. We then get four monster film
reviews, including ANTHROPOPHAGUS
(1980; a.k.a. THE GRIM REAPER),
its supposed sequel ABSURD
(1981; released here in the States as MONSTER
HUNTER), CASTLE OF BLOOD
(1964) and HALLOWEEN
III: SEASON OF THE WITCH (1982; where the monsters are
mostly implied rather than shown), all written by different
reviewers. Noted author/researcher Troy Howarth then does a really
nice article on the Cornish Horror films that Hammer Films made in
the early-to-mid-60's (complete with some nice photos and comic art).
Writer Louis Paul then takes us on a welcome journey back to the
monster films and shows made expressly for television in the 70's,
including such MFTV gems as THE
NIGHT STALKER and THE
NIGHT STRANGLER (1973), which led to the sadly short lived KOLCHAK:
THE NIGHT STALKER TV series (1974-1975). It's a fun look
back at a time when watching original movies for TV was an event
because we didn't have 500 channels of reality TV to choose from.
God, I miss those days! Steve Fenton then gives us his second part
(continued from Issue #9) on the Killer Cat genre, this time avoiding
the films that came from the West (like NIGHT
OF 1000 CATS and THE
CORPSE GRINDERS) and concentrating on those that came from
the Far East. I guarantee than you haven't heard of many of them and
this lengthy article goes all-out to make you want to track them down
so you can watch them. Thankfully, Fenton offers an appendix of what
companies has these available on disc and VHS (but a lot of them
still remain unavailable to Western audiences). It's a great piece
and a nice history of a genre hardly written about. Let's hope Steve
does a Part 3 in the near future. There are plenty of American (EYE
OF THE CAT - 1969), Canadian (THE
UNCANNY - 1977) and Italian films (SEVEN
DEATHS IN THE CAT'S EYES - 1973) that deal with killer
kitties. Writer John Harrison does a nice retrospective piece on
remembering Don Post masks (remember those ads in FAMOUS MONSTERS OF
FILMLAND?) and gives us a photo tour of his creations. Finally,
author Steven R. Bissette does my favorite piece in this issue, which
is surprising to me, because I was never a fan of comics. But he
takes a look back at the horror comics of the early 60's, giving us a
large history of what company put out what stories and the troubles
with the by-then outdated Comics Code and then goes on in length to
discuss the one comic story that I did read and it kept me up for
weeks. It was titled "The Monster Of Dread End..."
and concerned a giant snake-like creature with a giant claw instead
of a head and how it chased a boy around town, Now I grew up around
snakes in the wild and was never scared of them, but this story was
the most violent thing my six year old mind had ever laid eyes upon
(especially the ending) and it wasn't until the introduction of the
no-holds barred comics zines CREEPY and EERIE (along with other
non-Warren Publication horror comic zines) in the 70's that I would
finally get that image out of my mind. I was never a big buyer of
horror comics, but did pick up some due to their lurid covers, but
nothing (besides the comic Bruce Jones wrote that Dario Argento would
based his episode of MASTERS
OF HORROR called "Jenifer" on in 2005) will
ever get that final image out of my mind. Thanks, Steven R. Bissette,
for bringing up old nightmares. And that is a compliment! The only
thing I miss here is Tim Paxton's continuing series of the monster
films of India's House Of Ramsay, but there is so much to read and
learn from here, I can wait another issue to get my Ramsay fix. This
issue is a steal at $5.95 so get to ordering it ASAP! NOTE #9:
Issue #11, shipped at the end of November 2014 and was renamed KAIJÜ!
for this issue only. If you don't know what Kaijû is, you
really need to catch up on your giant monster knowledge.This is a
larger than normal 93-page issue and it is full of many interesting
articles, photos, drawings and ad mats on monster films, most of them
the giant monster kind. The issue opens with a series of reviews by
different writers of giant monster films from around the world, my
favorite being Steve Fenton's review of the highly awful nearly
30-minute short FEAR FORCE FIVE
(2013), which was presented as three 9 minute chapters (I saw them on
YouTube) and was directed by Jack Perez using the pseudonym "Ace
Hannah". Since Perez is a person known for directing and writing
the extremely bad CGI films from The Asylum (MEGA
SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS - 2009), it should tell you how bad
this short film really is and, therefore, should be seen by anyone
who love crappy giant monster films, but shortened by nearly one
hour. Believe me, when you see a shark
pop out of the giant monster's (dressed as a pirate!) left eye
to chow-down on what is obviously a doll, you'll either be laughing
hysterically or looking at your watch and wondering "Can thirty
minutes actually be this slow?" After the extensive
reviews, we then come to the "The Great Giant Ape War Of
1976/1977", where writer John Harrison compares director Paul
Leder's loony Korean-made A*P*E
(1976); director Frank Agrama's abysmal kitchen sink comedy QUEEN
KONG (1976) and director Ho Meng Wa's extremely enjoyable THE
MIGHTY PEKING MAN (1977; originally released to U.S.
theatrical audiences as the slightly edited GOLIATHON).
It's an extremely interesting article on how films from around the
world tried to copy the Dino De Laurentiis remake of KING
KONG (1976). We then get examples of great artist Alex Ward
and his paintings of Japanese Kaijû flicks, including the lost
Tura Satana-starrer VIOLENT PLANET
(1968; it seems that not only the monsters were giant!). We then go
on to an extensive article about all the Quatermass theatrical and TV
films and the people that played Professor Quatermass. It is an
enlightening and incisive look at the history of the eventual Hammer
series by the always knowledgeable Louis Paul. We then get to my
favorite article in this issue: Author Stephen R. Bissette's 26-page
look how the film GODZILLA
VS. MEGALON rocked him and the father and son sitting behind
him in
theaters
during 1976. It is not only a fun nostalgic look at the past, but
also an informative piece of Godzilla
history up until that time, how readers of FAMOUS MONSTERS OF
FILMLAND hated articles and cover art on Japanese monster films (I
did not know that), how much footage distributor Cinema Shares
International cut from the film in order for it to receive a G-Rating
(some of the edits make sense, but most of them don't.), the
incredible story of how it was shown in Prime Time on NBC in a one
hour time slot in 1977 with host John Belushi donning a cheap
Godzilla suit and doing his shtick (!), and how the film fell into
public domain hell and was released on many budget VHS versions in
unwatchable condition over the years (The full version has since been
released uncut on widescreen DVD by Media Blasters.). Steven has a
way of putting old fogies like myself into his shoes and make you
feel like you were actually there watching the film with him. This is
a great piece of writing. The issue ends with Steve Fenton and Tim
Paxton's Movie Checklist, where more information on the films
discussed in the issue are presented and who distributes them in case
you would like to purchase any of them. It's a useful guide which
every genre zine should have. Another great issue that is worth twice
the $5.95 price tag. NOTE #10: Issue #12, the last issue of
2014, is the (un)usual mixture of monster movies known and unknown
and is a great read from beginning to end. We begin with an in-depth
review of THE ALLIGATOR PEOPLE
(1959), which also happens to be on the cover, by Dennis Capicik.
Very well-written. We then have another well-written (by Troy
Howarth) in-depth review of Tobe Hooper's LIFEFORCE
(1985) and how the extended cut is the preferred version (I agree). I
think this film is very under-appreciated and Troy gives it the
respect it deserves. Then there are a series of reviews, both short
and long, of such monster films as Bert I. Gordon's chintzy giant
grasshopper film BEGINNING
OF THE END (1957), CELLAR
DWELLER (1988), the unbelievable Filipino fantasy film THE
BOY GOD (1982), WAR
OF THE GARGANTUAS (1966), the stupifyingly bad Bigfoot flick CRY
WILDERNESS (1986) and a negative review of ABOMINABLE
(2004), which I couldn't disagree with more. Writer/Editor Tim Paxton
then gives us Part 7 of his look at India's infamous House Of Ramsay
and his writing and reviews of films I never heard of before only
makes me want to learn more (Tim is writing a reference book of
Indian genre films, which I can't wait for). Next-up is writer Adam
Parker-Edmondston's 12-page look at the weirder moments in zombie
films, mentioning dozens of zombie films both past and present,
including SHOCK WAVES
(1977), THE DEAD HATE THE LIVING
(2000), ZOMBEAVERS (2014)
and many more, some that you may have heard of and many you may not
have. It's a great article. Writer Steve Fenton then delves into the
life of 30's & 40's Western movie star/professional movie gorilla
Ray "Crash" Corrigan, who also played the title creature in IT!
THE TERROR FROM BEYOND SPACE (1958; his last film). Steve
talks about Crash's life and times (he died in 1976 at the age of 74)
and the hopefully upcoming biopic of his career. It's my favorite
article in this 105-page issue. Louis Paul then writes reviews on
monster films where eye creatures were the main attraction, including
one of my favorite 50's horror films, THE
CRAWLING EYE (1958). Another excellent job done by Louis.
Stephen R. Bissette then writes a 24-page article on the giant
monster film THE GIANT BEHEMOTH
(1959) and makes a good argument on how this film was unfairly
maligned when it was originally released. There is so much
information in this article, it just might make you want to buy the
film (I already own it). The issue then closes out with the always
informative Movie Checklist (written by Steve Fenton & Tim
Paxton), where we are given the availability and further comments of
every movie mentioned within the pages. If you want to ring-out 2014
in grand style, order this issue ASAP! A steal at $5.95. NOTE #11:
MONSTER! just keeps on getting better, which is why I continue to
show their new covers well into 2016. If you still havent ordered
this zine, go to Amazon and do a search for "Tim Paxton".
It's the easiest way of finding this much-needed genre zine. I
believe Stephen R. Bissette's extensive two-part article (in Issues #
17 & #18) about the search for a little-known film called THE GLASSHEAD
(1998) should win a Rhondo Award for best-researched article.
One of the best reads I have had in a long, long time. I'm a sucker
for stories about "lost" films (I'm still on a quest to
find a print of Charles Nizet's VOODOO
HEARTBEAT [1972] for the past 30 years, which would make an
interesting story in itself) and Stephen hits this one out of the
park. I am now searching for an original VHS of this film. I'm not
holding my breath, though, since so few were made. I hope to see a
Rhondo on Stephen's mantle next year! If not, there is something
seriously wrong with their voting process. NOTE #12: The
special double issue, #28 & #29 (April - May 2016) is an amazing
217 pages long and there is not one article in it that won't hold
your attention. Screw James Patterson's 150-page
"Bookshots", this is what reading material should be. And
it will take you a full day to read it without stopping for bathroom
or meal breaks. Even the extra-large "Movie Checklist" is
more informative than most genre zines on the market. IMPORTANT NOTICE:
MONSTER! will now be published on a bi-monthly schedule beginning
with Issue 30 instead of a monthly schedule. While my heart sank a
little, it is totally reasonable when you factor in Tim Paxton's
hectic business schedule (he has an actual job and just doesn't
write, edit and do the layout for his zines) and, more
importantly (you have to know Tim to understand how important this
is), his family life. Waiting two months instead of one for an issue
is a small price to pay when you factor in all that criteria. NOTE #13:
Issue #31 is over 260 pages (it looks more like an oversized
paperback book than a zine) and their usual "Monster
Checklist" for this issue contains more information than one
issue of most professional horror zines! I particularly liked the
film reviews and history of Baltimore's late Don Dohler and
Baltimore-based actor George Stover (who appeared in nearly all of
Dohler's films as well as the films of John Waters.). Stover appeared
in one of my favorite Dohler films, BLOOD
MASSACRE (1988), which turns out to have quite an
interesting production and criminal history. This was the film that
made Dohler give up filmmaking for over 10 years. Ah, the perils of
low-budget filmmaking. NOTE #14: Issue #32 is an amazing 361
pages long. You'll get cramps in your wrists and fingers if you try
to read this issue in one sitting. HORRIBLE NEWS: Tim Paxton's
sister Heather, who suffered from physical and emotional problems and
spent her life in a wheelchair, passed away on June 10 2017. My
condolences to Tim (who loved his sister like no other brother ever
could) and his family for their awful loss. NOTE #15: After
waiting nearly a year, Issue #33 drops and it is an amazing 369
pages. I'm in the middle of reading it now. Full review when I gain
my sight back!
4)
GOREZONE - FANGORIA
editor Chris Alexander has revived the long-dead horror zine and made
it a full-color glossy zine. The zine is not available by newstand,
so you will have order a subscription or a single issue at www.fangoria.com.
Alexander has numbered the issue to correspond with the last issue
in the 90's and the zine does a good job covering the independent
horror scene, as well as retrospective articles on gore films of the
past (issue #30 deals with the cannibal films of Umberto Lenzi like MAN
FROM DEEP RIVER and CANNIBAL
FEROX), interviews with CANNIBAL
HOLOCAUST's Robert Kerman and AUGUST
UNDERGROUND's Fred Vogel, some great gore photos, a two page
poster, tips from Tom Savini and a multipage pinup photo spread of
some scream queen I never heard of (my least favorite article). All
of what I described can be found in Issue #30. NOTE: Issue #31
has a sexy photoshoot and centerfold with actress Danielle Harris
(she's still one of the worst of the new horror actresses, in my
opinion), a cover story on the GUINEA
PIG series of films, a TALES
FROM THE DARKSIDE retrospective (which belongs in FANGORIA
rather than in this zine), a CIRCUS
OF THE DEAD set visit, actress Tara Cardinal interview (I
know, who?), Part 1 of a Jess Franco retrospective (yawn), makeup
tips from Tom Savini, a look back at FORBIDDEN
WORLD, an interview with porn actress/director Joanna Angel
(who does all those porn horror remakes like FUCKENSTEIN
- 2012) and a lengthy article on one of my favorite horror movies of
the New Millennium, DEADLY END
(review on this site). My only problem with this issue is that
besides the photos that accompany the GUINEA PIG films, there
is very little gore on view. NOTE #2: Issue #32 is a marked
improvement over the issue before it, thanks to more bloody photos
and some articles that are interesting. It starts off on the right
foot with an interview with Claudio Fragasso as he reminisces about
helping late director Bruno Mattei with the film HELL
OF THE LIVING DEAD (a.k.a. NIGHT
OF THE ZOMBIES); an article/interview with Jake West and
Marc Morris about the U.K.'s video nasties days (complete with some
nice full color video covers); Tim Lucas' article about the best
horror reference books available (a bore for me since I owned
most of them years and years ago); a look at Russian director Andrey
Iskanov's bloody horror films, including the nearly four-hour PHILOSOPHY
OF A KNIFE; a look at little-known L.A.
director/producer/writer Adam Ahlbrandt (CROSS
BEARER -
2012; THE CEMETERY - 2013),
who should be moving on to bigger films because he has real talent;
An original PIECES
centerfold; an interview with Felissa Rose and Jonathan Tierson as
they remininsce about filming SLEEPAWAY
CAMP and the superb Scream Factory Blu-Ray; a talk with
director John Bloom and the making of BLOOD
BEACH (including a photo of the rapist getting his junk
ripped-off by the sand monster; now this is what GOREZONE should be
all about!); more Tom Savini makeup tips; this time on how to turn a
real-live person into a nearly headless corpse that moves; a short
interview with Sean Donahue, the co-director of DIE
DIE DELTA PI; a look on how Jim Wynorski's first directorial
effort, THE LOST EMPIRE,
finally made its appearance on DVD; an unneeded article about
Misfits member Doyle Wolfgang Von Frankenstein (once again proving
that editor Chris Alexander can't help but show his music roots in
magazines that have no place for music unless it is about horror
soundtracks); a look at the troubled production history of SPOOKIES
(probably the best article in this issue); the second part of a
multi-part article on Jess Franco (it is better than Ambien if you
are not a fan of this director, of which you can count me in on); and
a couple of other articles to fill up space. I still think charging
$11.99 for a 52 page full color zine is a might steep, but there is
some interesting things to be found within the pages and this time
the photos are getting gorier, which finally lets the zine live up to
its name. NOTE 3#: Issue #33 (the last issue of 2014) is
exceptional in two ways: First, it has a lengthy and well-written (by
John Torrani) article on the "Death Tapes" that were
released in the 80's & 90's, thanks to the success of the first FACES
OF DEATH (1978), but since FOD was eventually exposed
to have more faked footage than actual death footage, it really
doesn't count as a "Death Tape". The article is
well-researched and full of rare VHS scans (including the simply
horrible DEATH IN FOCUS
- 1989) and Torrani declares the TRACES
OF DEATH series (1993 - 2000) the best Death Tapes in a
crowded field because all of the footage was real (I concur). The
second thing is the article on Wes Craven and his involvement in
pornography during the 70's. The article (written by Joseph
Maddrey and excerpted from his book "Beyond Fear")
makes a strong case that Craven directed (there's no doubt he
starred in it, but didn't perfom in the sex scenes) the 1975 porn
film THE FIREWORKS WOMAN,
using the pseudonym "Abe Snake". Even though Craven
refuses to acknowledge that he directed it (but he hinted at it in
interviews throughout his career), Maddrey offers too much proof to
the contrary to doubt that Craven did direct it. Great article that
makes me want to buy his book. There is also an article on whether
the torture film MEN BEHIND
THE SUN (1988) is educational or exploitation; a short
interview with director James Cullen Bressack (MY
PURE JOY - 2011; TO JENNIFER
- 2013); an interview with Italian screenwriter Antonio Tentori (ZOMBIES:
THE BEGINNING - 2007; ARGENTO'S
DRACULA - 2012); articles on three horror films, KILLER
RACK (2014), THE
TURNPIKE KILLER (2009) and AMERIKAN
HOLOKAUST (2013; all with photos that break the boundries of
good taste, which should be shown more in this zine); a re-discovery
of the long-forgotten horror film RED
VELVET (2009); another interview with a little-known scream
queen (in this case it is Chanel Ryan); and yet another interview
with a heavy metal music artist, this time Anthrax's guitarist Scott
Ian. Gorezone is finally starting to live up to its name again. NOTE
#4: I quit my subscription at the beginning of 2015 because I
was tired of seeing wasted pages of this thin zine being devoted to
Heavy Metal bands, Who wants to know Black Sabbath's albums by
chronological date? I sure as hell don't. I'll buy a music zine if I
want to know or look it up on WikiPedia., which I am sure the writer
of this article did. It has no place in a zine called GOREZONE. Chris
Alexander should start his own music rag if he wants to cover the
Heavy/Death Metal scene. NOTE #5: With the departure of Editor
Chris Alexander in late 2015 and the downfall of FANGORIA as a print
zine (it is available as a digital download only in the .pdf format,
although owner Tom De Feo promises he will bring it back to print
form. Do not count on it, since he owes writers thousands of
dollars), it looks like GOREZONE is dead again after Issue #35. Hey,
who wants to pay $70.00 for a six issue 50-page per issue
subscription with 25% of the page count being ads?
5)
DELIRIUM - If you are a
Full Moon fan than this is the zine for you. Publisher Charles Band,
with an assist from FANGORIA and GOREZONE's editor Chris Alexander,
have turned out a full-color zine that covers everything Charles
Band, even from his Empire days and before. There's lots of never
before seen photos, a main article on RE-ANIMATOR,
a story on musician Richard Band, an article written by Stuart
Gordon, a Celeste Yarnall retrospective, an extensive article on TOURIST
TRAP and even a Japanese RE-ANIMATOR centerfold
poster. While the zine is a slim 52 pages, there is plenty of eye
candy to stare at (don't be fooled by the zine's cover) and a lot of
information on Charles Band's career. You cannot buy this at stores,
but you can get a subscription at www.deliriummagazine.com.
If you are a Full Moon junkie, this zine is a must. NOTE:
Issue #2 is a marked improvement over the premiere issue. It has more
stories and less ads and some of the stories, including the history
of THE BLIND DEAD series
is quite interesting. There's even interviews with the lovely Lone
Fleming and not-so-lovely, but fun, Kenneth J. Hall (very informative
from a historical standpoint), lots of nice color photos to go along
with an interview with Carolyn Purdy-Gordon (including the infamous
cut eyeball sucking scene that she receives from Jeffrey Combs
in the Stuart Gordon film FROM BEYOND),
Part 2 of the Stuart Gordon interview and a nice centerfold poster
of the third Blind Dead film THE
GHOST GALLEON. Add articles on new films like PMS
COP, the streaming series TROPHY
HEADS,
naked photos of Full Moon actresses and other articles on Charlie
Band films and what you have is a really big improvement from the
first issue. So much for the sophomore slump. NOTE #2: Issue
#3 is a thin 50 pages long with lots of advertising, but there are
some informative articles and interviews. First up: A retrospective
on the original TEXAS
CHAINSAW MASSACRE complete with a pretty good interview with
director Tobe Hooper; a report on the Empire Pictures documentary;
more TROPHY HEADS coverage; photos of Charles Band's 2014
Roadshow; a funny report on the demise of Wizard Games' Atari
versions of TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE and HALLOWEEN
and how they lost Band hundreds of thousands of dollars (most stores
at the time wouldn't carry the games because of their violent
content!); an interview with director Ted Nicolaou about his film TERRORVISION;
an interview with star Jeffrey Byron of METALSTORM:
THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN; an interview with actress
Geretta Geretta and her role in the Italian film, RATS:
NIGHT OF TERROR; a Japanese TCM centerfold poster;
the artwork of Ryan Brookhart, who designed many of Full Moon
Pictures' DVD covers; an interview with writer Kent Roudebush and his
un-PC film OOGA BOOGA; Part
2 of the interview with Carolyn Purdy-Gordon; Part 1 of William
Shatner interviewing Stan Lee (WTF?); and, finally, an interview with
director Dave Parker (THE
DEAD HATE THE LIVING - 2000; THE
HILLS RUN RED - 2009). Most of the articles run a page or
two, except for the Tobe Hooper and Dave Parker interviews, which
makes me believe that this issue was turned out rather quickly and
without much thought. So far, it is the worst of the issues released. NOTE
#3: Issue #4 (which should be called the All-Interview Issue) is
a marked improvement of the previous issue and contains a great
interview with Lisa Petrucci, wife of the late Mike Vraney, who
founded Something Weird Video in 1990 and how she is going to keep
the label alive (that is great news for fans of
the label, which includes me). We then have an interview with
director Frank Henenlotter, who was instrumental in helping Vraney
get a deal with Image Entertainment (even if they had to make trims
to films that Image deemed "hardcore") and had his own line
of films on Something Weird Video ("Frank Henenlotter's Sexy
Shockers", which included one of my all-time favorite films SATAN'S
CHILDREN - 1974). Then there are one page interviews with
Herschell Gordon Lewis and Jimmyo Burril (THE
CHAINSAW SALLY SHOW). There is also a longer interview with
Fred Olen Ray about his film SIDESHOW
(2000). An interview with Spanish director Victor Matellano and his
new film WAX. A nice
interview with Full Moon regular Tim Thomerson and a nifty German VHS
centerfold of TRANCERS (1985).
We then have an interview with John Lechago and how his good
ultra-low-budget film BLOOD
GNOME (2003) led to him directing a series of KILLJOY
films for Charles Band and Full Moon. We then have a pretty decent
interview with Skinny Puppy musician-turned-actor Nivek Ogre, who
starred in such films as REPO:
THE GENETIC OPERA (2008) 2001
MANIACS: FIELD OF SCREAMS (2010) and SCREAM
PARK (2012). Also in the issue are interviews with director
Mick Garris; new director (and wife of great director Neil Marshall)
Axelle Carolyn; director Chuck Russell of THE
BLOB remake (1988) and his great horror film career in the
80's; and non-interview pieces, including a review of Vampira book,
VAMPIRA: DARK GODDESS OF HORROR, by author W. Scott Poole and Part
One on the History of Horror Comics. Missing is Part 2 of William
Shatner's interview of Stan Lee, but that was the most useless
article in the previous issue. Not bad for a fourth issue and better
than most they have turned out so far, thanks to some rare photos and
ads, all in color. NOTE #4: Issue #5 (the final issue of 2014)
is probably the best issue yet because it deals with zombie and
cannibal films of the past. The first article is with director Ken
Wiederhorn, who directed what some consider the first Nazi zombie
horror film, SHOCK WAVES
(1977), and the interview (by Fangoria and Gorezone editor Chris
Alexander) is informative and full of great photos, posters and ad
mats. Chris then writes the next article about two terrible Nazi
zombie films, ZOMBIE LAKE
(1981) and OASIS OF THE ZOMBIES
(1982), both originally released on big box VHS by Charles Band's
company Wizard Video and which one is worse (OASIS wins by a
hair). We then move on to a rare interview with actress Me Me Lai,
who starred in the first Italian cannibal film, director Umberto
Lenzi's MAN FROM DEEP RIVER
(1972), and starred in a few more cannibal films (Ruggero Deodato's JUNGLE
HOLOCAUST - 1977; Lenzi's THE
EMERALD JUNGLE - 1980) and other movies before retiring from
acting in 1984. This is her first published interview since her
retirement and is therefore a must-read for Italian cannibal film
enthusiasts. We then have a short one page review of two of late
director Bruno Mattei's latter-day cannibal flicks: CANNIBAL
HOLOCAUST: THE BEGINNING (a.k.a. MONDO
CANNIBAL - 2003) and IN
THE LAND OF THE CANNIBALS (a.k.a. LAND
OF DEATH - 2003), both recently released on no-frills DVDs
by InterVision Picture Corp.. Believe me, they don't deserve more
than one page. We then move on to a short two-page interview with
Zach Galligan about his work on WAXWORK
II: LOST IN TIME (1991) and a nice French centerfold poster
of OASIS OF THE ZOMBIES. David Jay then does a nice three page
write-up about the creation of Stuart Gordon's CASTLE
FREAK (1995) and offers a lot of tidbits of information you
may not know about it, including some words from Gordon himself and
some photos and artwork you may never have seen before (including a
graphic full-frontal photo of the Freak himself). There is much more
on view here, including an interview with Jeff Burr and the creation
of the horror anthology THE OFFSPRING
(1987), the joining of Tom Holland and Tim Sullivan to form TNT
Presents, interviews with actor Jeffrey Byron (METALSTORM:
THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED SYN - 1983) and actress Lin Shaye (2001
MANIACS: FIELD OF SCREAMS - 2010), a look at the films of
Andy and Arlene Sidaris, Part Two of A Brief History Of Horror Comics
(very informative) and reviews of Blu-rays and DVDs from around the
world. Charles Band also makes an important (and welcomed) announcement
on the final page (©2014 Delirium Magazine). This zine keeps
getting better, but my only complaint is that some of the articles
are way too short and need to be elaborated on more. All in all,
still an above average issue. NOTE #5: Still reading this zine
in 2015 and it keeps on getting better and better. NOTE #6:
Unlike FANGORIA or GOREZONE, it looks like DELIRIUM is still thriving.
*(HONORABLE
MENTION) TAPE MOLD -
Though not as professional looking as any of the above zines,
publishers Dan Kinem and Ally Orlando love VHS and this zine is their
love letter to the outdated format (which is making somewhat of a
head-scratching comeback by boutique labels looking to make a quick
buck. But I digress.). Dan and Ally show their love for the format in
Issue #3 by interviewing Sharyl Noday, who did many of the VHS covers
for Raedon Home Video
and A.I.P., an
interview with Helen Halloran about her role in ROCK
'N' ROLL MOBSTER GIRLS (1988), an interview with
director/skateboard professional Todd James Falcon Cook (DEMON
DOLLS - 1993), still another interview with Fred Olen Ray
regular Ted Newsom and a video spotlight on AIR
Video, among other things (including an unneeded 7 page comic by
"artist" Jimmy Squarejaw). Dan also runs the website VHShitfest.com
(who released a director-approved DVD of the extremely bad 1992 SOV
flick HELLROLLER,
which is filled with loads of entertaining extras, and director
Donald Farmer's 1992 INVASION
OF THE SCREAM QUEENS) and was co-director of the great VHS
documentary ADJUST YOUR TRACKING
(2013). If you like to learn more about VHS and the role it played in
our society before Blu-Ray snobs took over the home video market, I
recommend that you order a copy of Tape Mold. NOTE: It seems
like this is the last issue because the website to order issues is no
longer in operation and the Facebook page hasn't been updated in
nearly a year. Too bad.
1)
XEROX FEROX -
Although it is only the last week of March 2014 as I write this, I
doubt the rest of the year
will turn out a better book than this huge, 800-page monster (written
by John Szpunar) that deals with all manner of horror zines from the
beginning till now (only Tim Paxton gets a mention in this book
because the zines I mention above are brand new, but Tim has been
publishing zines for a long time). If you are looking for my zine,
CRITICAL CONDITION, in this book, you will be disappointed because my
subscription base was smaller than 500, but don't let that turn you
off from buying this hefty book. Filled with interviews of the
founding fathers of amateur and pro-zines (including the late, great
Andy Copp), all who tell very interesting stories about the trials
and tribulations of keeping a zine up and running. Since the book,
which is digest size, but humongous, weighs a lot, expect some
handstrain, but it is worth it, since some of the stories will keep
you captivated and for people like myself that published a zine, can
identify with. You will not be able to read this giant tome in one
day (I'm still reading it after three days of three hours each day),
but you will enjoy every minute. Let me make this absolutely clear:
You don't have to do anything with creating a zine to enjoy this
book. The stories are entertaining, some of the covers reproduced
inside brought a rush of nostalgia and readers of zines throughout
the decades will dig this book. From Headpress Books and available
online on Amazon. My highest recommendation.
2)
WORLD GONE WILD -
Are you like me and love movies that deal with the post-apocalypse or
any film that deals with the impending doom of a post-nuke future?
Then you are going to love author David J. Moore's comprehensive,
large 435-page book that lists all these
films in alphabetical order and has interviews with the people who
made them. What I like about this book, besides the rare full color
photos, posters, VHS and DVD covers that fill this book up (not a
black & white photo to be found on any of the pages), is that
there are films within these pages that I never heard of and I
consider myself a connoisseur of this genre of film (I review dozens
of them on this site, my favorite being the Italian ones). It is
apparent David J. Moore is an expert in this genre and fills the
pages with information and interviews that you have never read before
and you actually learn something about why this genre of film is so
popular (but not as popular as it should be, in my opinion.). Mr.
Moore had a terrific turnout for his book signing in Burbank,
California on the book's debut and he sold every copy (and had some
damn good guests that showed up to support him, including Steve
Barkett, the director/actor of one of my favorite U.S. post-apocalyptic
films, THE AFTERMATH
- 1978 and he even has an interview in the book), This is bound to go
out of print very fast (I don't know if Moore has a deal with
Schiffer Publishing Ltd. for a second printing), so pony-up the
hardcover book's $34.99 price (even less if you are an Amazon Prime
member) and be prepared to spend a few days learning about this
particular sub-genre of the science fiction film. The book is as up
to date as it can be, covering films up to the year 2013, so drop
what you are doing, log on to your computer and order this excellent
tome of films that describe what mankind could be like if nuclear
war, disease, nature gone amok, germ warfare or any other disaster
turns our planet into one where only the strongest survive. Essential
reading for fans of these kind of films and very well written. I tip
my hat to David J. Moore.
3)
BRITISH CULT CINEMA: THE
AMICUS ANTHOLOGY - For those of you that think British horror
only consisted of Hammer films, author Bruce G. Hallenbeck (a
frequent contributor to the Hammer Films professional fanzine LITTLE
SHOPPE OF HORRORS) is here to remind you that there were
other British production companies turning out excellent horror films
during the 60's & 70's. Although Amicus was known for making all
kinds of horror films, Hallenbeck wisely sticks to the anthology
films that Amicus turned out from the mid-60's to the mid-70's.
Starting with a foreward from Amicus anthology director Kevin Connor
and then a prologue that tells the story about
how anthology films started (back to 1919!) and listing and
explaining the plots of various anthology films from the 20's to the
60's (and it's a great read full of info you never read before as
well as being profusely illustrated with stills and posters of the
films), Hallenbeck gets down to Amicus anthology business, starting
with their first anthology DR.
TERROR'S HOUSE OF HORRORS (1964), not only explaining the
film, but describing how Max J. Rosenberg and Milton Subotsky came to
come together and form Amicus Productions ("Amicus" is
Latin for "friend") and how their CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD
(a.k.a. HORROR HOTEL -
1960), although listed as a "Vulcan Production" is actually
the first Amicus Production. Hallenbeck then goes into detail about
casting and shooting DR. TERROR'S
(including pages from the actual script), giving the reader
information not available to them before, as well as each episode's
plot synopsis. Hallenbeck does the same thing for the rest of the
Amicus anthologies: TORTURE GARDEN
(1967); THE HOUSE THAT
DRIPPED BLOOD (1971); TALES
FROM THE CRYPT (1972); ASYLUM
(1972); THE VAULT OF HORROR
(1973) and FROM BEYOND
THE GRAVE (1975), giving us plenty of black & white
photos, ad mats, photos and other paraphenalia (with a center section
of the film's posters and photos in color) to please both the reader
and those who just like to look at photos they have never seen
before. Along the way, Hallenbeck describes the trials and
tribulations that Rosenberg and Subotsky had to go through to get
their films made and there are anecdotes about other films in the
Amicus canon. Hallenbeck closes the book with a look at anthology
films after Amicus from around the world and how a small British
company changed the course of the horror film. Besides a few mistakes
made by publisher Hemlock Books (none of it has to do with Bruce
Hallenbeck's excellent writing) regarding wrong headers and missing
icons on pages (it's really not that distracting and only anal people
like me will notice), this is the book you want to read if you love
British horror films other than those put out by Hammer Films. My
hope is that Hallenbeck takes on other British horror production
companies like Tigon British Film Productions and Tyburn Films, along
with the non-anthology films of Amicus. I would be a truly happy man.
Great job, Bruce!
4)
THEY CAME FROM WITHIN: A
HISTORY OF CANADIAN HORROR CINEMA - Author Caelum Vatnsdal
updated his ten year-old book of everything that is Canadian horror
(filmwise) and I have to say, since I am a fan of Canadian films in
general (not just horror,
but action and martial arts films as well), this is the book you want
if you love Canadian horror films, right up to the year 2014 (There's
a poster for Astron 6's THE
EDITOR - 2014 [they also did the extremely graphic and funny FATHER'S
DAY - 2011 and the indescribable MANBORG
- 2011] in the book's copious color center section, a film that I
have been dying too see since I heard about it about a week
previously). Mr. Vatnsdal breaks down the Canadian horror film
industry (first starting with a Foreward by David DeCoteau, which was
written for the first edition) from the beginning right up to the
present and covers the book in rare photos rather than the usual
posters and ad mats (The center section is reserved for most of the
color posters) and it's an interesting and entertaining read from
beginning to end. Since I never owned the original edition (which
only covered films up to the year 2004), this was like a history
lesson for me, especially the way Canadians were ashamed of their tax
shelter horror films of the late 70's & 80's; most of the films
that I happen to love. What I particularly love about this book is
that it not only talks about the films, but the people themselves,
from the directors, producers, screenwriters, special effects teams,
film financiers and other people at length, so you not only get to
know the films, but a history of the people who made them. So if you
like a history of Canadian horror films, dating back to the 1910's to
1961's 3D extravaganza THE MASK,
right up until 2014's WOLFCOP,
this is the book for you. There's an appendix at the back of the book
that lists all the films in alphabetical order with their complete
credits, so this book is a must for Canadian horror film junkies like
myself. I know there are a lot of you out there who feel the same way
as I do, which is why I was able to score the final copy that was
available on Amazon at the time. I hope they get more because this is
a great primer on learning about the creation of Canadian horror
films. I've seen a couple of other books and websites that deal with
this subject, but believe me, this is the book you want if you need
to know the complete history.
ANGRIEST HORROR ZINE OF 2014
1)
GRINDHOUSE PURGATORY
- Publisher and Editor-In-Chief 42nd Street Pete (a.k.a. Pete
Chiarella) is one of the angriest zine publishers today. Right off
the bat, on Issue #2 of this black & white zine of everything
Grindhouse, he states on the cover you "Must be OVER
18 to purchase AND you must be able to actually READ!!". Yeah,
that will get people to buy your zine. Pete doesn't really care,
though, because inside the covers is some of the worst bile spilled
from a person's mouth, mixed in with reviews of grind house films of
the 70's & 80's. While some may enjoy Pete's style of writing (he
also has guest writers who do a much better job), he just can't let
go of things that happened in his past and uses this zine as an
outlet to get revenge on those people he believes have wronged him.
(One example: "Mainstream horror mags suck a huge AIDS-infested
cock." and then goes on to praise SHOCK CINEMA. And then there's
another article in the zine written by Pete called "FULL MOON
FEVER Or: Getting Fucked By Chuck"). While some of the other
articles written by other writers are interesting (even though I
strongly disagree with author Annie Riordan's list of recent lousy
remakes), there's an air of hostility that runs through the zine's 64
pages. Pete says this may be the last issue because all the money
comes out of his own pocket (yeah, right!) and I hope he's right,
because the horror world doesn't need this much negativity in its
life. I think it's time for 42nd Pete to retire and leave the new
zines to the people who can write a story without attacking someone's
personal life. That went out with Rick Sullivan's GORE GAZETTE in the
80's. You know not much thought went into making this zine when he
states on the Contents Page, "No part of this publication can be
duplicated in any way without permission of the publisher. Except for
the photos. The pictures we already stole. Knock yourself out."
and then doesn't give credit where he stole the photos from (although
some seem very familiar to me). The last pages in this issue is
Pete's story on massage parlors from the late-60's until the 80's in
New York City. What a way for a perfect unhappy ending. Not
recommended unless you like to read an angry person complain about
his life and the lives (and deaths) of others. I have better things
to do with my life. Issues 1, 2, 3 & 4 are available from Amazon
if you like the masochistic lifestyle. NOTE: I have been
hearing that Pete is pissed off at me for naming his zine the
Angriest Horror Zine Of 2014. All I can say is a lot of people like
this style of writing and any publicity is good publicity. I have
Issue #3 on its way (a postal mixup has delayed its delivery), but I
will read it and then decide if this goes from Angry to one of the
top zines of 2014. I can only base things on what I read and these
are my picks and opinions, no one else's. I don't take anything Pete
says against me personally and he shouldn't take anything I say about
him and his zine personally, either. When it comes down to brass
tacks, Pete is doing what he loves and is getting free publicity. He
may not like the kind of publicity it is, but I know plenty of people
who will buy it based on this review. OK, I have read Issue #3
and my opinion hasn't changed. Pete still holds grudges against the
big horror zine (especially Chris Alexander and FANGORIA) and has a
fake and rather insulting interview with Michael Gingold (here called
"Michael Whinegold"). Pete has proven he can write well
with his heartfelt goodbyes to Michael Vraney and Al Goldstein (both
in Issue #3), but he is so goddamn angry about almost everything
else, he makes it very difficult to take him seriously. While the
entire layout of the zine is vanilla and undistinguishable, there are
some good articles by Josh Hadley and Pete about reliving the days
when VHS tape ruled the world and a trip down memory lane by Pete
about East Coast Wrestling (many bouts which took places at venues
near where I lived). There are also some porn articles and an
interview with porn star Serena and a cover story about the Italian
cannibal genre. GRINDHOUSE PURGATORY is improving, but it needs a
better layout and less venom in the writing. Then it will be a zine
to contend with. NOTE #2: It looks like 42nd Street Pete has
released Issue #4 (a review will be forthcoming after I receive it.)
after a long delay and I hear he has a lot of bad things to say about
me. Of course he will blame everyone but himself, but the layout and
bile-filled writing are the real culprits. I gave him three chances
to make the zine worthwhile to readers, but calling people names and
making up fake interviews are not what the people want. They want to
be informed, not inflamed. I can't wait to read what he has to say
about me. I take his insults as a badge of honor. Well, I have read
Issue #4 and I can say Pete is still being Pete. After heartfelt
obits to James Garner and Eli Wallach, he delivers a two page
editorial where he rips me a new asshole (without mentioning my name,
of course, because he knows he can be sued), saying that I have some
kind of agenda against him (I don't) and then goes as far to mention
that incident where someone faked my death on Facebook, saying that I
did it myself (And also calling me a woman-hating, closeted
homosexual who has a man-crush on him! I laughed so hard, I think
some pee leaked out!). If this came from some coherent and halfway
sane person, I would be angry, but since it came from Pete Chiarella
(oh, excuse me, 42nd Street Pete, because every schizophrenic has to
have an alias), all I could do was laugh, imagining him drooling at
the mouth and snot coming out of his nose while he was typing his
bile against me. Pete said that he will never change his style of
hateful writing, which is why I have named this the Angriest Zine of
2014. He says that my trashing his zine (I gave it three out of five
stars on Amazon, but I guess he thinks that is too low) has actually
increased his readership (something that I said would probably
happen) and that I have to actually buy an issue to review it (Well
of course I do; I don't take anything for free because I have
standards. This way I can speak my mind freely because I spent my own
money. Christ, I don't even accept movie screeners for this website!)
The issue looks like every other one: badly laid-out one column
articles with plenty of empty white space, but this time with some
good guest writers like actor/stuntman Gary Kent (who probably wrote
the article to get a free full page plug for his excellent
autobiography and other films/
books
he was responsible for), who writes an interesting article on his
experience on THE SAVAGE SEVEN
(1968) and pioneering porn director Carter Stevens with Part 1 of his
life in the Adult Film Industry; writer Cory Udler scores an
interview with the-now 85 year-old Ted V. Mikels, director/producer/
writer of such films as THE
CORPSE GRINDERS (1971); writer Ken Kish does a nostalgic
article about attending the late, lamented Pearl Road Auto Drive-In
located in Cleveland, Ohio; writer Robert Morgan does a piece on the
sadly neglected 70's trucker movie WHITE
LINE FEVER (1975), starring Jan Michael Vincent; author John
Shatzer does an article on giant bug movies of the 50's and another
article on why the Internet sucks (it's actually a very interesting
take in the subject on how people lost personal connections with each
other); writer Josh Hadley does a great article on how print zines
will always be better than their digital counterparts (and I couldn't
agree more); Bill Adcock does an article on the Bigfoot softcore sex
film THE BEAUTIES AND
THE BEAST (1973); Dave Kosanke does an article on the porn
features of star Amber Lynn and director Bruce Seven. But the
majority of articles are written by Chiarella himself (I also
believes he uses the name "Dr. Rhonda Baughman" here, since
I have never heard of "her" before, although I could be
wrong), as he does articles on the Western SABATA
(1969); a look back at the long abandoned tradition of double
features at movie theaters; a retrospective on the biker films of the
60's & early-70's and how they saved the indy genre (his best
article in this 112 page zine); a short article at the almost
forgotten film THE CORRUPT ONES
(1967); a piece on the film SNUFF
(1971/1976) and the furor it caused when it was released; a look back
on murdered wrestler Frank "Bruiser" Brody; and
articles/interviews by "Dr. Rhonda Baughman" (whose writing
style closely resembles Pete's) on SAVAGE
STREETS (1984) star Johnny Venokur; 2014 interviews with
80's Scream Queens Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens and Michelle Bauer,
who have done a new movie together with director David DeCoteau; and
an interview with actor Ken Abraham (look him up on IMDb). On the
positive side, there are no fake interviews (which Pete says in his
editorial upsets me because I read FANGORIA!), the writing is a
little sharper and the zine more varied in its subjects. Hey, Pete:
You take things much too personally and you have to get used to
people not agreeing with you 100% of the time. That's the way of the
world. Get use to it. You still are angry, but insulting me is like a
badge of honor. And it helped your readership grow. You should be
thanking me instead of spreading lies about me. Oh, well, you can't
teach an old dog new tricks. And also Pete: My website, called
Critical Condition (www.critcononline.com) has been on the Internet
since 1999 and before that in zine form since 1982. I probably get
more readers in one day on my site than all four of your issues have
been read by different people. And it's not a $2.00 website. It takes
a lot of work and money to keep it looking old school, but my guess
is that you wouldn't know how to even begin to create your own
website (And not a blog, Anyone can have a blog.). It actually takes
work to keep it updated and relevant. I not only live in the past, I
also live in the here and now. NOTE #3: Issue
#5 arrived in April 2015 and hardly anything has changed. The
layout is still the same vanilla one column pages with plenty of
white space (with a noticeable mistake on one page where a photo
slipped into the type, making the last line unreadable), but Pete
muffles most of his vitriol except when it comes to horror
conventions (he thinks they are shitty today) and how he and his
profile were deleted by Facebook for complaining about conventions
(Yeah, that HAS to be the reason!). Some good articles, though.
Proceed at your own risk, but at least I buy every issue that I read,
so I am supporting Pete's zine. Note #4: August 4, 2016:
Pete is still churning out his zine, but I can no longer support
articles written where the information is taken from Wikipedia and
the IMDb.
My
thoughts on the 2014 - 2015 TV season. All times are Eastern
Standard Time (EST). First up: Fox's GOTHAM
(Mondays 8:00pm). Marvel has had much success in movies and on TV showing
the origins of their characters, so DC Comics tries the same thing
with this series (DC Comics is also premiering a reboot of their 90's
series THE FLASH on
Tuesdays at 8:00pm on the CW Network [which I have no interest in
watching], that premieres a day before DC's ARROW,
which has been on-air since 2012 and since The Flash and Arrow live
in the same superhero "universe", there was a crossover
episode that aired on December 2 & 3, 2014), which has a
nice 70's look, but otherwise is mainly a dud. It shows the
beginnings of Commissioner Gordon when he was Detective James Gordon
(Ben McKenzie, who seems miscast for the role) and his partner
Detective Harvey Bullock (the always interesting Donal Logue) as they
investigate the death of a young Bruce Wayne's (David Mazouz)
parents. The pilot episode also introduces us to Selina Kyle (Camren
Bicondova), soon to become the Catwoman, who also witnesses the
murder of Bruce Wayne's parents; Lord Alfred Pennyworth (Sean
Pertwee), young Bruce Wayne's butler and friend; Oswald Cobblepot
(Robin Lord Taylor), who would eventually become The Penguin; Edward
Nygma (Cory Michael Smith), who we all know who will become by his
name; and original characters, such as crime kingpin Fish Mooney
(Jada Pinkett Smith, who announced she will not come back for a
Season 2); Captain Sarah Essen (Zabryna Guevara), Gordon's superior;
and Barbara Kean (Erin Richards), Gordon's love interest. This may
all sound inviting, but the scripting and plotting is poor and you
could create a drinking game in the pilot by how many times someones
says "James Gordon". I hope the series gets better, but
they need stronger writing and more original thinking to pull this
off for a complete season. It's pretty to look at, but you can only
look at something pretty for so long until you become bored. NOTE:
The second episode was a major improvement, but it still has a long
way to go if it wants me to be a regular watcher. The sub-stories
kill this series, but the main story, about Selina Kyle, was
interesting and well-written. I'll give it a couple more episodes to
find its groove. It dropped nearly one million viewers from the first
episode, which is not sitting well with Fox (They would have liked
higher numbers since it precedes last year's hit SLEEPY
HOLLOW, which has so far gotten a little over 5 million
viewers for its first two episodes, Definitely not the same audience
numbers as last year, but the show is still a corker.). The premiere
episode attracted 8.2 million viewers and the second episode got 7.4
million viewers, so Fox is worried, but will give the show a chance
to grow in this time period (It has failed to make it into the Top 25
TV Shows of the week, but ratings are steadily growing thanks to word
of mouth, mainly because of Taylor's chilling portrayal of the
villain that will eventually be known as The Penguin and Fox has
ordered a full season of episodes. It has also been renewed for a
Second Season.). * CBS' SCORPION
(Mondays 9:00pm) had technophiles up in arms right out of the gate,
just from the
first episode alone, because of its unreal depiction of computer
hacking, but they seem to forget this is just a TV series and a
rather entertaining one at that. A rather eccentric Black Ops Agent
(the always appealing Robert Patrick) assembles a crew of four tech
and math-savy geniuses (their combined IQ is over 700), who are
wasting their lives (and forget to pay their bills), and forms a team
to fight modern technical crimes, like in the opener, where someone
hacks the entire LAX airline landing schedule, where over 54 planes
will crash unless the virus inside the air traffic controller
software is wiped-out. The show is funny, tense and, yes,
unbelievable in its depiction of the way hacking works, but as far as
entertainment value goes, this is top-notch (there's a sub-plot about
an autistic boy genius and his cute waitress mother [Katharine
McPhee], who works in a cafe where the group have to make their
headquarters to fix the airline problem that, in the finale, becomes
a major plot point). It easily won the ratings war against last
year's breakout hit SLEEPY
HOLLOW, so look for that show to find a different time slot
(I like them both, so I am very conflicted) or for Fox to hope that
the new show will lower in the ratings department. It has already has
hackers up in arms, so it may have less of an audience than the first
episode, but I predict it will remain strong among younger viewers.
It not only has technical mumbo-jumbo and nerd humor, but also an
emotional core usually not found in a procedural show. I hope it
keeps that aspect flowing freely (NOTE: The second episode
attracted 13.3 million live viewers, only very slightly down from the
first episode [13.8 million live viewers], so this is considered a
qualified hit. NOTE #2: NCIS:
LOS ANGELES and SCORPION had a crossover episode,
which means they exist in the same TV universe. And CBS has ordered a
full seasons of episodes and renewed it for a second season.) *
CBS' NCIS: NEW ORLEANS
(Tuesdays 9:00pm) is the second spinoff of the NCIS
TV series (which itself was a spin-off of JAG
[1995 - 2005]) and has the coveted spot to run right after the #1
rated scripted drama on TV (NCIS:
LOS ANGELES has moved to Mondays at 10:00pm, opposite the
always intriguing THE BLACKLIST
which, to me, is a boneheaded move. NOTE: It seems I was
right. The NCIS spin-off got the worst ratings in its six
season career.), which will guarantee it success at least for a
little while. The
only
problem is that the pilot nearly put me to sleep and if it weren't
for the acting abilities of Scott Bakula and Lucas Black (remember
him as a kid on the late, lamented TV series AMERICAN
GOTHIC [1995 - 1996]?), I would have turned it off. Even the
usually dependable CCH Pounder is wasted here as the team's coroner
and the show is brightened for a few moments by the video appearance
of Ducky (David McCallum), but it quickly switched back to boring
mode when his time was over. So what is the trick they use for ending
each part for their commercial breaks? NCIS uses a black &
white flash-forward and NCIS: LOS ANGELES uses a series of
quick black & white images with the sound of a camera clicking.
This new series ends each commercial break with the final frame being
saturated in color and solarized. The problem with network TV today
is that we are being overrun with crime procedural shows and not
enough of a mixture of other entertainment (except for reality shows,
which I never watch). While some of them are good, I found this
series lacking in the plot department and hope it gets better as the
cast gels. I'm all for giving a show time to develop, but the cast
has to click as a team for it to be interesting (The first episode
catipulted it into the Top Ten TV ratings with 20.1 million watchers
[17.2 million live and the rest by DVR watched within the first three
days, which Nielsen now calls "+3 Days DVR"], retaining 93%
of its lead-in and CBS has ordered a full season of episodes and
renewed it for a second season). * ABC's FOREVER
(Tuesdays 10:00pm) is another unbelievably bad show about medical
examiner Dr. Henry Morgan (Ioan Gruffudd) who has remained the age 35
for the past 200 years and wants to find out why he is immortal
(Plentiful flashbacks show us during different periods of time in his
life and give us small clues why he may be immortal. Hey, wait a
minute. Wasn't this already done done in Fox's failed 2008 TV series NEW
AMSTERDAM?). In the meantime, he solves murder cases by
using his 200 years of knowledge, with the help of partner Detective
Jo Martinez (the beautiful Alana De La Garza, who played "A.D.A.
Connie Rubirosa" on the last 4 seasons of LAW
& ORDER [2006 - 2010] and was the ill-fated wife
"Marisol Delko Caine" to Horatio Caine on CSI:
MIAMI [2002 - 2012]), who knows something is different with
her partner. The first episode was put up against the premiere of the
second season of THE BLACKLIST and the second season finale of UNDER
THE DOME, so it did rather poorly in the ratings (duh!). But
the next night a new episode was shown and it stank to high heaven.
Even regular Judd Hirsch can't save this show from an eventual early
cancellation. Don't get too comfortable with this show folks. It's
bound for the dumpster or relocated to the Saturday night pit of
unsuccessful TV shows to burn off episodes. (NOTE: Looks like
I was wrong...again. On November 7, 2014, ABC announced that it
picked up the series for a full season, even though it averages only
5 million viewers per episode. NOTE #2: On May 7, 2015, ABC
officially announced that the series was cancelled. No second
season.) * NBC's THE
MYSTERIES OF LAURA (Wednesdays 8:00pm), based on the Spanish LOS
MISTERIOS DE LAURA TV series, begins with a funny introduction
to Debra Messing's cop character, Detective Laura Diamond, but then
quickly sinks into a hole of stereotypes and cliches. She's also a
divorced mother of two young rambunctious young boys and (yes, you
are about to read this correctly) her ex-husband is her boss. The
pilot episode had some good scenes, but it is hard to get over the
fact that anyone could actually believe that her ex-husband (who
cheated on Laura and now wants her back) would be assigned her boss.
I know of no police department that would allow this and Laura would
automatically be assigned to another precinct. Besides, it is up
against CBS' powerhouse reality series SURVIVOR,
so this show stands a snowball's chance in Hell of surviving unless
they move it to another timeslot. I believe, however, that NBC will
keep it in this timeslot because they have an advertsising campaign
called "Women Crush Wednesdays"
which includes Messing in this show, Mariska Hargitay on LAW
& ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT and Sophia Bush on CHICAGO
P.D..
(NOTE: It's hard to believe, but the first episode garnered 10
million viewers and the second episode managed to retain those
numbers, I guess SURVIVOR is getting old and stale or people
are getting more zombie-like in their viewing. NOTE #2: On May
8, 2015, NBC announced that the series has been renewed for a
second season) * ABC's HOW
TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER (Thursdays 10:00pm) is a simply
exceptional thriller series from Executive Producer Shonda Rhimes (GREY'S
ANATOMY; SCANDAL)
which shows how a procedural show should be done right. When the
show first opens, we are experiencing four college students
discussing the best way to dispose of a body of a person they just
murdered by the toss of a coin. As we see the coin fly up towards the
camera, we flashback three months earlier, where the four students
are enrolled in a class at Middleton Law School, where the teacher,
Annalise Keating (the amazing Viola Davis), teaches her class with an
iron fist and is just as hard on her students as she is on the law
(She is a defense attorney and calls her class "How To Get Away
With Murder", but it is really a crash course on how to get
guilty people off murder cases). Her first case involves a woman
known as "The Aspirin Killer", who supposedly fed her
husband poisoned aspirin. This inspires the four students we have
seen in the first few minutes of the episode to (maybe) murder a
female student and we flash forward every now and then as we
see
the foursome awkwardly trying to get rid of the body (and almost
getting caught by campus security) and failing miserably. This is
where the series shines. It is not just an indictment of people
getting away with murder, but a sharp black comedy on how difficult
it is to commit the perfect crime and Davis' performance as a tough
as nails, take no prisoners, teacher is just amazing to watch. We
know she enjoys what she does, but she will never break her facade to
show her students that part of her life (except for student Wes
Gibbins, expertly played by Alfred Enoch, when she confesses that she
and her husband have been trying desperately to have a child, but
even that turns out to be a big fat lie: her husband [who is white]
is actually cheating on her and it may be with the murdered girl and
she is having an affair with a police detective). She assigns her
students to come up with evidence to show her Aspirin Killer female
client not guilty and some evidence is gained by having gay sex with
a person of interest, even though the student isn't gay. It's a
wonderfully plotted episode with many surprises, which doesn't
surprise me one bit that it got 14 million viewers on the first
episode (I would usually be watching ELEMENTARY,
but CBS decided to add another night of professional football to
their roster, so who knows when it will return? NOTE: It will return
October 30, 2014 at the same time as this series, Thank God for
DVRs!). The finale of the episode finds Keating getting her Aspirin
Killer client found not guilty by putting her boyfriend police
detective on the stand and forcing him to tell the truth about
tampered evidence (She may have been not guilty after all or did she
seduced him to get him to lie on the stand?), picking four students
to join her law firm (One being Wes. Will he become her
protégé or even her lover?), the finding of the
murdered body of the young female student in a water tank (the ground
was too frozen to bury her) and the four students burning the rug in
the forest the young girl was murdered on. I will keep watching to
see what happens and to experience Viola's intense acting abilities.
One of the best new series I have seen so far this season. And I
refuse to tell you who the four students involved in the murder are.
That, my friends, you will have to figure out for yourselves, but
don't think I have given you any clues above, because I haven't. (NOTE:
The second episode is as good, if not better, than the pilot and
opened up to great ratings and, as the series progresses, the writing
and Viola Davis' performance just gets better and better. It's first
episode pulled-in 20.3 million viewers, which includes 6 million who
watched it on DVR and now averages 18 million viewers, which puts in
in the weekly Top Ten shows on TV with NCIS:
NEW ORLEANS, SCORPION
and MADAM SECRETARY
[review coming shortly; renewed for a second season], all new series.
It deserves it. Renewed for a full season and on February 26, 2015,
after the end of the first season in a mouth-gaping two-hour finale,
ABC announced it was also renewed for a second season. A no-brainer.
The limited series AMERICAN
CRIME will now occupy the time slot for the rest of the
season.) NOTE #2: Viola Davis won an Emmy Award for Lead
Actress in a Drama Series on September 20, 2015, the first black
actress to do so. It's about time and she deserved it. * CBS' STALKER
(Wednesdays 10:00pm) follows the 10th season of CRIMINAL
MINDS (Who have added Jennifer Love Hewitt as a permanent
part of the BAU Team; she announced after the finale of Season 10
that she will not be returning for another season. No big loss
because she just didn't have the chemistry for the show.) and opens
up with a completely unnerving scene where a stalker wearing a black
hoodie and a white mask pours gasoline on a woman, but she manages to
lock herself in her car (without her keys, but, in true TV style, the
stalker dangles the keys in front of her so she can see them through
her front window), so the stalker pours gasoline on the woman's car
as she puts the car in reverse, sets it on fire and the car rolls
backwards, slams into a telephone pole and explodes. We are then
introduced to Lieutenant Beth Davis (NIKITA's
Maggie Q), who heads the LAPD's Threat Assessment Unit (TAU), as she
tells a class of
glassy-eyed students that six million people in the United States are
stalked each year and breaks down the statistics. She then asks the
students if they have any questions and, of course, all the questions
they ask are stupid. We are then introduced to former New York
Detective Jack Larsen (Dylan McDermott of last season's failed series HOSTAGES)
as he gets dressed to join the TAU team as its newest member.
Problem is, Det. Larsen may be a stalker himself, as he had an affair
with the Deputy Chief's wife in NYC (who was an Assistant District
Attorney there) and now has moved to L.A., where his ex-lover and son
live. His first meeting with Lt. Davis (who is a hard-ass and has
been a stalking victim herself) doesn't go too well, as Larsen jokes
that he joined the team to meet Scarlett Johansson and has watched
all the stalker movies like FATAL
ATTRACTION and SWIMFAN,
which makes him qualified for the team (it's an awkward scene in a
pilot full of awkward scenes). Since this is another procedural show,
we are introduced to several suspects to the crime, but which one
could it be? The stalker tries his gasoline trick on another woman in
an elevator, but she manages to get away and be saved by Davis and
Larsen, only to have her kidnapped again by the stalker while she is
under police protection (he was hiding under her bedroom rug!) and
brought to a gym, where she is duct-taped to a stationary bike and
covered in gasoline. Davis and Larsen figure out who the stalker is
and save the victim just in the nick of time, where Larsen shoots and
kills the stalker just as he is about to strike a match (hasn't he
ever heard of a lighter?). This is an unremarkable police procedural
that was created by SCREAM's
screenwriter Kevin Williamson and since he wrote the pilot, it is
full of film references and his usual celebrity name-dropping
baggage. Besides the pilot's effective opening, the rest of the
episode is nothing but your standard by-the-numbers cop show that
follows the basic formula of nearly every police procedural. Maggie Q
and Dylan McDermott have zero chemistry, which will probably doom
this series from ever making it to a second season. Hell, it may not
survive the first season. Only time will tell. Who knows, maybe there
will be a BUA-TAU crossover episode? (In episode 2, Larsen's ex-lover
gives him two weeks to leave L.A. or she will release something that
will end Larsen's career. Wanna make a bet he finds a way to stay in
L.A.? After watching four episodes, there is nothing here to
distinguish it from the many crime procedurals on TV, except for the
fact that many of the stalkers prefer black hoodies and, for some
unknown reason, CBS has ordered a full season of episodes. They
stopped the show after 18 episodes in mid-February of 2015 so they
could debut the show CSI: CYBER
[see below] and are now burning the rest of the episodes off starting
in May 2015 on Mondays at 9:00pm, so it doesn't look good for a
second season. NOTE: CBS has canceled the series on May 11,
2011.) * Fox's GRACEPOINT
(Thursdays 9:00pm) is a remake of the BBC's excellent murder mystery BROADCHURCH
(2013), but about 90% of the people watching the show will not even
know that fact. Unfortunately, I was part of the 10% that had BBC
America on my cable company channel list and watched the
original
show religiously because it was a tense, snappy 8-part murder
mystery. Too bad this new 10-part limited series follows the original
a little too closely, even using the original's star, DOCTOR
WHO's David Tennant (who talks with an American accent here,
and not that convincingly), as Detective Emmett Carver, but instead
of taking place in the sleepy seaside town of Broadchurch in England,
this new series takes place in the coastal town of Gracepoint,
California (close to the Oregon border), where young boy Danny is
found dead in the sand next to the ocean. The storyline follows the
original almost exactly, except with American sensibilities, right up
to the internal strife within the police department where Detective
Carver (a new hire) takes the lead detective position that longtime
police officer Detective Ellie Miller (Anna Gunn of BREAKING
BAD) was promised when she got back from vacation. This
offers friction between the two detectives (Carver refuses to call
her Ellie [calling it "silly"] and rather use her last name
instead), as they try to discover who killed Danny while trying not
to pass any information to Ellie's nephew Owen (Kevin Zegers; WRONG
TURN - 2003), who is a newspaper reporter. There's not much
to recommend here if you have already seen the original, except for
the recurring role by Nick Nolte and an outstanding performance by
Michael Peña (TV's THE
SHIELD) as Danny's father, who may know more about his son's
death than he is letting on. David Tennant's Detective Carver is
extremely unlikable in the pilot and there are innuendos about his
past that also may play an important part as to why he is in
Gracepoint. But if you have seen the original, you will already know
why. There is talk that either episode 7 or 8 will divert extremely
from the original, but I just may bypass the proceeding episodes
until that happens. Others who may have not seen the original may
stick around to witness what happens or this series could flop
extremely hard. It's hard to gauge whether this series will be
successful or not. It is very well acted and a lot goes on in the
first episode, but even good series can suffer from the ratings
slump. I'm not against remakes of foreign shows (witness THE
KILLING and even going all the way back to ALL
IN THE FAMILY), but if you are going to do a scene-for-scene
remake, expect some backlash from those familiar with the
original show, no matter if only under one million Americans per
episode watched it on BBC America. Look at what happened when
director Gus Van Sant did a 1998
scene-for-scene remake of Alfred Hitchcock's PSYCHO
(1960). It was villified. NOTE: FOX announced there will be no
second season. It was an "Event Series" so it really didn't
need a second season, but the British BROADCHURCH did get a
second season and it was great. * NBC's CONSTANTINE
(Fridays 10:00pm and later moved to Fridays at 8:00pm after the
"Winter Break", putting the adult series into a "family
friendly" hour; a big mistake in my opinion, as some material
may have to be reshot or edited out) is the only new program I asked
for screeners this TV season and I'm glad I did. Since Keanu Reeves
played him in the R-Rated 2005 movie
of the same name, I wanted to see how much they toned down his
character, especially his chain-smoking (Shows like MAD
MEN [Thanks Michael P. - inside joke] get a pass because
they take place in the 60's [and are on cable rather than network
TV], but modern-day shows have been declawed from doing such things,
even though plenty of people
still smoke.), his tough-as-nails demeanor and his thinking of humans
as less important than him (after all, he is an expert on the
occult!). Since this is a network show based on yet another DC Comics
character (from the comic zine "Hellblazer"), I was
expecting the worst, but Executive Producer David Goyer has found a
very interesting way to deal with Constantine's smoking addiction
(you have to play close attention to really get it) and star Matt
Ryan, who plays Constantine, assured audiences at this years' NY
Comic-Con that the character wouldn't be "de-balled". And
judging by the pilot, he hasn't. There is plenty of
Constantine's patented cursing (some of the words they come up with
to replace the ones not allowed to be said on network TV are pure
genius) and human-hating, but since his job is mainly to keep Satan's
minions from coming up to the Earth and taking over the planet to
possess people he doesn't have feelings for would be a task that any
fallen angel with his soul damed to Hell would have a problem with.
There's plenty of bloodier violence than normal and
the storylines are very interesting (especially in the first 3
screeners I received). I don't want to spoil the fun of what this TV
series offers (let's just say that I like it a whole lot better than
the DC Comics origins show GOTHAM),
but it is a quick 42 minutes in a one hour timeslot that will have
you hooked from the first episode (it jumps right into the fray
without going much into Constantine's history and the first time we
see him, he has voluntarily committed himself to an institution for
electro-shock treatment to forget things from his past [it doesn't
work]) and since we know David Goyer loves cliffhangers, expect
episode 7 (the mid-season ender) to have one hell of a doozy one. And
since Neil Marshall (DOG SOLDIERS
- 2002; THE DESCENT - 2005; DOOMSDAY
- 2008; CENTURION - 2010)
directed most of the episodes, you know this is going to be a quality
series. All I can really tell you is to expect a new leading lady to
appear after the pilot episode (Angelica Celaya will be playing
comics fan-favorite Zed) and we won't hear Lucifer's voice until the
third episode. Until then, just go along for the bloody ride. I know
I did. Since BLUE BLOODS
is its only major competition and it skews to the oldest audience
demographic of any show on TV (63 is the median age of its viewers,
probably thanks to Tom Selleck), I hope this new series is given the
chance it deserves. NBC does seem to have some faith in it, since
they already added an additional three new scripts to the series
before it has even aired. NOTE: The pilot episode was refilmed
a little bit and Lucifer makes a short appearance during a very small
flashback and he says a couple of words.
Everything
else has remained the same, though. NOTE #2: On November
24, 2014, NBC has decided that Season 1 will only run 13 episodes.
They have not said whether or not they have canceled the series (I
hope not because it keeps getting better and better), but they
haven't extended the season past its initial order of 13 episodes.
The series has been getting 4.5 million viewers per episode, which is
considered good for a Friday night series. My hope is that they are
going to run it as a limited series, like HANNIBAL. Star
Matt Ryan said "I am very, very, very hopeful" that there
will be a Season 2. NOTE #3: Well Matt, looks like you were
wrong. There will be no Season 2, as NBC announced the series'
cancellation on May 8, 2015. NOTE #4: CONSTANTINE will
live on, for another episode. After weeks of speculation, the CW
today confirmed that Matt Ryan will reprise his role as Constantine
from the cancelled NBC drama in an episode from the upcoming fourth
season of ARROW in late
2015. Both DC series are produced by Warner Bros. TV, which made the
guest spot possible. Ryan will guest in episode five, entitled
Haunted. ARROW star Stephen Amell has already been
a big proponent of the crossover back in May the actor
publicly offered on twitter to guest star on the show if it were
renewed by another network or streaming service. Bringing CONSTANTINE
to ARROW proper at least saves the character, and furthers
that shows increasing comfort with comic book themes. Starting
out with a much more grounded, gritty premise that eschewed super
powers in favor of what amounts to ramped up special forces training,
with the introduction of sister series THE
FLASH, ARROW has increasingly embraced comic book
themes. (Including the resurrection of the dead.) Bringing an actual
wizard into the mix makes for a very different show than the one that
premiered in 2012. Related to this, last spring during PaleyFest, THE
FLASH and ARROW executive producer Greg Berlanti
suggested similarly increasing comic book-heavy themes for that show,
teasing an adaptation of the DC Comics crossover event
Flashpoint Crisis. * (Drumroll please) And
the first cancellation of the 2014 - 2015 Season is: ABC's MANHATTAN
LOVE STORY (Tuesdays 8:30pm; and I know, I never heard of it
either!). One of two half-hour situation comedies that led into the
second season of Marvel's AGENTS
OF S.H.I.E.L.D., which is floundering at its new 9:00pm time
slot. The new sitcom was averaging 2.4 million viewers per episode
and was canceled after four episodes were shown. ABC also canceled
the second half hour sitcom, SELFIE,
that occupied the Tuesday 8:00pm timeslot, but will burn off the 13
episodes (two in a row) and then it will be buried in the TV show
graveyard. (UPDATE: ABC decided against doing this and show
Christmas specials and repeats of other shows instead. The final
seven episodes of both MANHATTAN LOVE STORY and SELFIE
will be shown on streaming service Hulu.) R.I.P. More cancellation
news: NBC has canceled their two new Thursday night comedies, BAD
JUDGE (9:00pm), which averaged 4 million viewers, and A
TO Z (9:30pm), which averaged 2.4 million viewers. Both will
run their full thirteen episode orders and then be replaced with as
yet, unnamed series. Fox also mercifully pulled the plug on their
reality series UTOPIA
(Fridays 8:00pm) after it was pulling in a measly 1.5 million viewers
per episode after getting 4 million viewers when it premiered. It
seems that no one was interested to see if Fox could make the
"perfect society" by isolating 15 people in a secret spot
and hoping for a New World Order (Just like Fox would like it). It
also seems that people are finally growing tired of reality
programming, as many established reality shows have opened to
terrible numbers this year and cable networks are finally switching
to scripted shows (even SyFy said they were going back to the time
when their network was more successful, which means less reality
programming and awful original movies and more "must see"
TV like the crazy, sexy LEXX
[1997 - 2002], the popular FARSCAPE
[1999 - 2004] and the reboot of BATTLESTAR
GALACTICA [2003-2009], but they are not going back to their
old "Sci Fi" tag), hoping to catch the succcess of AMC's THE
WALKING DEAD, which opened up with over 17 million viewers
on its fourth season premiere (God knows why. It's such a cliched
show). Fox has also said their new drama RED
BAND SOCIETY would not get any more episodes made this
season after the initial 13 episode order (10 episodes will air in
2014 and the remaining three will be aired "sometime in
2015"). Fox has not said the show has been canceled, but it
doesn't bode well when three episodes will be burned off at a later
undertemined date. Bad News Dept.: The 2014 - 2015 TV Season
is the last for THE MENTALIST,
which also suffered the same fate as CSI:
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION when it was moved to Sunday at
10:00pm (It also looks like Season 15 will be CSI:'s last
since its order of episodes was cut from the usual 22 down to 18,
dropped nearly 30% in viewership, is constantly not shown because of
football overruns and original star George Eads announced on November
24. 2014 that he would not return for a Season 16. But CBS may air a
limited 16th Season during the 2015-2016 TV Season to tie up loose
ends and give their longest-running procedural show the proper
sendoff it deserves, something CBS did not do with the two CSI:
spinoffs. There's even talk of William Petersen returning!). It will
now debut November 30, 2014 and end sometime in early 2015 with a
truncated 13-episode Seventh, and final, Season. It will first
replace THE GOOD WIFE
(which is going on Winter hiatus, or as they call it now, the
"end of the Fall Season") for five weeks on Sundays at
9:00pm and will then
move to Wednesdays @ 8:00pm, where the final eight episodes will air.
Speaking of CBS: They canceled the half hour sitcom THE
MILLERS on November 14, 2014 after having a successful run
in the 2013 - 2014 Season. They moved it from Thursday to Monday this
year, where ratings were anemic (Monday is one of the busiest nights
on TV, with too many choices of programs to choose from) and added
Sean Hayes to the cast this year, but it still failed anyway. The
last episode will air on November 17, 2014. CBS will burn off the
remaining episodes on Saturdays during the Summer of 2015. Also: The
USA Network announced on December 7, 2015 that the fifth season of COVERT
AFFAIRS would be its last. Since the fifth season has
already aired, fans of the show will get no resolution to the ongoing
story arcs. I ask you: Is this any way to treat viewers loyal to the
show for five years? At least make a final TV Movie to tie up loose
ends. On January 13, 2015, the USA Network announced that its
heavily-advertised freshman comedy series, BENCHED
(who played all those commercials for the series where the show's
star, Eliza Coupe, gave all her ex-bosses the middle finger [which
were optically blurred out, but not that you wouldn't notice what she
was doing] and told them "You can all go piss up a rope!"
during the daytime, no less!), would not be renewed for another
season. Speaking of the end of Fall Season: This practice of
interrupting a show for two months or more and then bringing it back
has got to stop. When LOST
was on the air and they did the same thing, audiences complained and
ABC then started showing the series uninterrupted until all the
episodes for the season were shown. But the practice seems to have
made a comeback. Case in point: THE
BLACKLIST will end its Fall Season on November 10, 2014
(where we see Alan Alda explode to pieces with a bomb locked around
his neck [Where else can you possibly see that?] and Peter Stormare
getting shot at point-blank range by Red) and won't return until the
first week of February 2015 (right after the Super Bowl on February
1, 2015, and it will be the first part of a two-parter) and then will
move to its new timeslot and day starting Thursday February 5, 2015
at 9:00pm (Talk about cutting your own throat! They will definitely
have to tone down the violence for a 9:00pm timeslot.). NBC will
debut another new show, STATE
OF AFFAIRS, in its timeslot the following week (They are
promoting it as "From The Director of THE BLACKLIST".
Which one? [Turns out it is Joe Carnahan, who directed two episodes
of THE BLACKLIST in 2013 and is Executive Producer of both
series]) and air that series in its 13 episode entirety (It will then
be taken over by yet another hospital show, the second season of the
limited series THE NIGHT SHIFT,
in February 2015, which, on May 8, 2015, NBC announced it would be
renewed for a third season). Meanwhile, people hungry for more of THE
BLACKLIST (myself included) will have to wait nearly three
months for the show to return. I find this practice horrid and
harmful for the series. What if STATE OF AFFAIRS is not a
well-liked show (It was officially canceled on May 5, 2015 by NBC, so
there will be no Season 2) and the audience switches to another
channel, gets involved with another series and then decides to stay
with it until the season is over? What series suffers? Time to stop
this crap and start showing the entire season on a regular basis. I
know that December is considered a rerun month what with Thanksgiving
just over and everyone out shopping for Christmas, so they don't have
as much time for TV, but to hold back a series for three months is
unacceptable. That practice might work well for cable (think THE
WALKING DEAD and the final season of MAD
MEN), but on network TV it is tantamount to a death sentence
in certain situations. Good News Dept.: For the first
time since the three
CSI:
shows were on the air in 2009, there will be a three
show story arc beginning November 11, 2014 on CHICAGO
FIRE and then concluding on November 12, 2014 on both LAW
& ORDER: SVU and CHICAGO
P.D.. *
TNT's
THE LIBRARIANS
(Sundays 8:00pm) is a lighthearted fantasy series that takes up where
the three Noah Wyle TV Movies
(2004 - 2008) left off. Wyle is Librarian Flynn Carsen, who is in
charge of keeping real magic from permeating the human race, but a
competing faction of evildoers unleashes the magic into the world,
forcing Flynn to take on three new Librarians (Christian Kane as
Jake; Lindy Booth as Cassandra; and John Kim as Ezekial) and a former
Secret Service agent named Eve (Rebecca Romijn) as their protector.
When the main Library is "lost", the three new Librarians
and Eve must use an annex, run by Jenkins (a welcome return to TV by
John Larroquette) and try to retrieve all the magic that escaped into
the world, while Flynn ventures out on a quest all his own (Wyle is
only occasionally going to appear on the first season of this show
because he is busy filming the last season of FALLING
SKIES, also on TNT). While basically nothing more than a
humorous takeoff on RAIDERS
OF THE LOST ARK (1981), this series shows promise, thanks to
a talented cast and some very funny guest appearances, including Bob
Newhart, Jane Curtin (both returning from the TV Movies), Bruce
Campbell (as Santa Claus), Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa and Matt Fewer as the
mysterious bad guy Dulaque. The episodes so far have been fun without
overly relying on graphic violence and, while there is some dodgy CGI
on view, it is perfect viewing for both children and adults alike. My
only problem in the beginning was the shameless over-acting by Noah
Wyle (if there were any more scenery, he would chew it up, but I
guess that is to compensate for his very grim character on SKIES),
but now that John Larroquette is the show's anchor (and gets off
some very funny one-liners), the show has taken-on an identity of its
own. I hope this series lasts a few seasons, as long as they can keep
the imagination flowing and the humor funny. (NOTE: The series
had one of the shortest runs I can remember in a long time. This was
due to them showing some new episodes back-to-back. I really see no
common sense in that move. Especially on a Sunday night when there is
so much on TV. On December 15, 2015, it was renewed for a third
season.) * Fox's BACKSTROM
(Thursdays 9:00pm), created by Hart Hanson (BONES
- 2005-Present), can best be described as HOUSE
M.D. (2004 - 2012) if he were a police detective. Rainn
Wilson (formerly the star of the U.S. version of THE
OFFICE [2005 - 2013] and also a Producer of this show)
portrays the acerbic cigar-chomping, Slurpee-drinking Lieutenant
Everett Backstrom, an overweight, high cholesterol, high blood
pressure, and enlarged-heart cop (yes, he is a physical mess) who was
just put back on Detective duty after spending a long time in Traffic
Division because of his health. His Indian (as in India) doctor, Dr.
Deb (Rizwan Manji), hands him a prescription that simply says
"Make a friend this week" or else he will put Backstrom
back on traffic duty. Better said than done. His first case is the
apparent suicide of the son of Senator Tobias Percival (Kyle Secor),
who is found hanging from a railroad bridge during a pouring
rainstorm, a case
which he shares with Det. Sgt. John Almond (an excellent Dennis
Haysbert, who can be seen as the spokesperson for Allstate on TV
commercials and was formerly the star of THE
UNIT (2006 - 2009), who also happens to be a Preacher on
weekends (His small piece of dialogue about having "black
balls" to a rugby player is the best line in the pilot episode).
Backstrom believes that this is not a suicide and was actually a
murder and asks for help from his gay live-in thief Gregory Valentine
(Thomas Dekker; who supplies Backstrom's abode with expensive stolen
goods! Backstrom's sexual orientation is purposely kept a mystery.)
to help him find information on who would want the Senator's son
dead. After many false leads (a direct steal from HOUSE),
Backstrom finally solves the case, but not without doing something so
stupid, it will probably come back to haunt him on future episodes
(The episodes are not being shown in order [the fifth episode shot
was actually their second aired episode], so this throws a monkey
wrench into that theory). This series, based on a set of novels by
Swedish criminologist and novelist Leif G.W. Persson, is the type of
anti-hero series that seems to be so prevalent today and Rainn Wilson
acquits himself nicely in his role as the sarcastic,
I-hate-everybody, new head of Portland, Oregon's Police Bureau's
Special Crimes Unit (SCU). Everyone in the series seems to have a
quirk of their own and Backstrom does get to make a "friend"
at the end of the episode (in a back-handed way), but it doesn't
seem to satisfy his doctor, who wants to see him every week if he
wants to keep his new job (a quite obvious plot device so Backstrom
can make fun of the male doctor's name, "Deb", and also
have the doctor keep Backstrom in line, but Backstrom changes that
plot device with just a simple sentence, making sure it is not a
weekly thing). It seems Fox completely forgot about their other
failed anti-hero lawyer series from last year, RAKE,
and decided to take another chance on making anti-heroes popular
again. If anyone can do it, Rainn Wilson can (but then again, I
thought Greg Kinnear could do the same thing), but it depends on the
stories that will be told in this first season's thirteen episodes. I
do love quirky series and this is definitely one (not to mention
atmospheric, with Portland's continuous rain [actually filmed in
Vancouver, British Columbia] and Backstrom wearing an orange-hooded
rain slicker as much as possible [shades of the film DON'T
LOOK NOW - 1973, where the mysterious villian wears a
red-hooded rain slicker]), but we will have to wait for the ratings
to decide whether this series will survive. I certainly hope it does.
It replaces the time slot occupied by GRACEPOINT's
first complete ten-episode season (which actually turned out really
satisfying after veering off direction in the seventh episode from
its British counterpart and was rather well done and unexpected) and
will eventually be up against the new day and timeslot for the
popular NBC series THE BLACKLIST,
so I hope it does well enough in the ratings to merit a second
season. Only time will tell (This is also the first time I have seen
the word "Dick" used in an advertisement to describe
someone, although it could be taken two ways, but I think we all know
what direction Fox was taking, don't we?). THE BLACKLIST seems
to be getting good ratings on its new day and time slot, so this
doesn't bode very well for the new series. Too bad. NOTE: FOX
announced that there would be no second season. * My
predictions about new "second season" shows that are
beginning in February and beyond: NBC's ALLEGIANCE
(Thursdays 10:00pm) will be dropped quicker than a john's pants in a
hooker motel since it pulls
in
less than half of its program lead-in ratings, THE BLACKLIST.
The story is about a young and inexperienced C.I.A agent whose fist
assignment will be to investigate his own family, who all have
secrets that the C.I.A. would love to hear. Don't get too invested in
the series unless you have nothing planned on Saturday nights
(or have plenty of room on your DVR) since NBC will not let this show
eat up valuable advertiser time on Thursday nights. NOTE:
Seems I was right. ALLEGIANCE was canceled after airing five
episodes. THE BLACKLIST's lead-in show, THE
SLAP will be moved to the 10:00pm position and DATELINE NBC
will offer real-life Blacklist-like stories as a lead-in at 8:00pm to
NBC's most popular drama. Why doesn't NBC just move THE BLACKLIST
back to Mondays at 10:00pm? It would be much less of a headache for
both them and the viewers. Take THE
NIGHT WATCH, a poorly-rated hospital drama out of the Monday
10:00pm slot, put it on at Thursdays 9:00pm, and put THE BLACKLIST
back where it belongs. NBC should just call Thursdays a wash
for this season and at least have full control ratings-wise on
Mondays. * Prepared to get involved with the binge-watching of
Amazon's streaming series BOSCH
(produced in 2014 [the pilot episode was aired in February 2014, but
is part of the new package], but it can be viewed anytime from
February 13, 2015 - on). The always welcome Titus Welliver is the
titled character, an L.A.P.D. Homicide Detective who has about as
many troubles in his personal life as he does in his professional
life. This is not a series you watch for one episode a week and then
wait for the next episode. Like I do when AMERICAN
HORROR STORY
is released on Blu-Ray every year, this is a show that demands that
you binge-watch it. I know I'm not usually for the new technological
advances (like watching TV on laptops, tablets and tiny-screen
phones) that come across our for our "viewing pleasure",
but some shows needs to be binge-watched and this series is one of
them (and since I have a Roku 3 player, watching it on my
large-screen HD TV will be no trouble). It's excellently produced,
even better acted by Welliver (DEADWOOD
- 2004-2006) and with directors like Ernest R. Dickerson behind the
camera and Bosch crime novel creator Michael Connelly writing some of
the screenplays for the 2015 season, you know you are going to be in
for lots of surprises (Connelly says every episode unravels like a
chapter in a book). I, for one, am looking forward to the day when I
can binge-watch all 10 episodes of Season One. So should you. If you
don't get Amazon, now is the time to do so. NOTE: On March 18,
2015, Amazon announced that it has been renewed for a second season.
2014
- 2015 TV SEASON PART 2: It must be weird for Patricia Arquette
to win a Best Supporting Actress Academy Award® one week and then
to headline a new spinoff series on TV the next week, but that is
what she is doing with the new CBS series CSI:
CYBER (Wednesdays 10:00pm) and it turns out to be nothing
but a typical crime procedural with a computer tech slant that has
another The Who song as it's opening ("I Can See For Miles",
which is, strangely, appropriate). After a couple of solo
appearances on CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION
(2000 - 2015), Ms. Arquette, who plays Avery Ryan, gets her own team
located in Washington, D.C, which includes James Van Der Beek (The
Beek!) as Detective Elijah Mundo (who happens to be a crack shot),
Charley Koontz as computer expert Daniel Krumitz, Hayley Kiyoko as
Raven Ramirez (another computer expert); Shad Moss (the musical
artist formerly known as "Bow Wow") as new intern Brody
Nelson (who works out his computer problems in rhyme), a convicted
hacker who Avery wants on her team to hopefully teach her and her
underlings some new things or he goes to prison, and the always
welcome Peter MacNicol as Head Agent Simon Sifter (in a role not that
unsimilar from the defunct series NUMB3RS
- 2005-2010). The show begins like all computer geeks do: Arquette
just surfuing the Internet while sipping on a Slurpee (shades of Abby
on NCIS - 2003-Present) when
a baby kidnapping
report pops-up on her screen and she assembles the team to go to
Baltimore, Maryland. The parents reported hearing a bunch of
different foreign voices on their baby monitor/camera, but the
Baltimore police stupidly unhook the camera's connection and destroy
the evidence (It wouldn't have made any difference anyway because the
kidnappers took the SIM card. Wait, baby monitors have SIM cards?).
After some hard work, which involves a women who uses her breast
implants as a way of being a drug mule, a shootout with a guy on a
motorcycle (this is where Elijah's gun skills come in handy) and
plenty of computer work (a lot of tech which still doesn't exist
today, including a full body hologram, not unlike the one Angela uses
on BONES -
2005-Present), the team uncover a baby selling ring run by the
Russians, where the highest bidder gets a kidnapped baby (there have
been two more baby kidnappings and the babies have yet to be found
when they bust the headquarters). A computer holds the whereabouts of
the two babies, but there is one problem: It needs a twenty character
password to unlock the computer, which could take 3.4 billion years
to decipher. Brody deciphers it on the first try using his rhyming
technique (it is so unbelievable as to be funny) and Elijah saves one
of the babies from certain drowning (Awwww!). The episode closes with
Avery sitting on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial after telling
Brody that she saved his ass from prison because when the internet
was new, some hacker stole all her private psychiatric practice
files, one of her patients was murdered and she has never found him.
She spends every night on the internet looking for him, hence the
beginning of the episode, and she could use his help. Truth be told,
there is nothing really new about this show. As you can see my
synopsis, this is more of a Frankenstein show that borrows tech and
peculiarities from other, more popular shows. Arquette makes a bland
leading lady and hopefully she will loosen-up in upcoming episodes,
otherwise people will tune this show out fast, like they did the new
show cop-buddy dramedy BATTLE
CREEK (Sundays 10:00pm, which CBS announced there would be
no second season; not much of a surprise, but the show grew on me a
little), which ended up last on CBS' ratings list. But to be fair,
any show that plays Sundays at 10:00pm on CBS is like asking the Grim
Reaper to touch you on the shoulder. Why doesn't CBS do us all a
favor and bring back CSI: MIAMI
(2002 - 2012)? At least that show was colorful and had some great
characters, including David Caruso, who could be an unrelenting
badass when pushed too far. I don't hold much hope for CSI: CYBER.
If they really want to get my attention and make me a weekly viewer,
tell the truth about what happens to a person who has their identity
stolen by someone on the 'net. That I can identify with and if done
right, can be more frightening than any fictional cyber-crime.
Otherwise, this could end the legacy of the CSI dynasty. And no one
would hate that more than me. Just one thing: Why hasn't CBS
announced the cancellation of the original CSI:, the show that
outlasted all its spin-offs? Ted Danson has already signed on to a
new series and George Eads has stated that he wouldn't come back for
a 16th Season, so it seems to me that CBS should finally issue a
press release announcing the end of the dynasty. Or maybe they are
just waiting for this series to fail. Even STALKER
(which this new show occupies its time slot) was more entertaining
than this. NOTE: CBS is showing this series out of sequence.
The third episode shown was actually the 8th episode shot, which is
an indicator that CBS does not have much faith in the series
(Although this is during "March Madness" and CBS may be
burning off the more boring of the episodes. Only time will tell.). NOTE
#2: The series is getting respectable, but not great, ratings
and CBS will soon announce whether it will be back for a second
season. So far, it doesn't look good because the series has been
somewhat ridiculous in the storylines. One newspaper critic called it
"A lousy show you should be watching". He went on to
explain that even though the series is one of the worst on TV, it may
teach people to be more careful when they are online! NOTE #3:
On May 11, 2015, CBS announced that the show was renewed for a second
season (Ted Danson will be joining the cast as "D.B.
Russell" from CSI:) and that the original CSI:
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATIONS would get a two-hour TV movie so
it can get the proper closure it needs. While I am not too pleased
with the former being renewed, the latter bit of news pleases me. CSI:
has been a mainstay on CBS since 1999 and won the network many
Emmy® and other awards, not to mention being the top-rated show
on any network for four seasons. * Anyone but me underwhelmed
by the first 90-minute episode of USA Network's new "Event
Series" (a new term for the old-fashioned Mini-series) DIG
(Thursdays 10:00pm)? After months of promotional commercials and even
inserting 3-second nearly-subliminal ads in all their programming (LAW
& ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT repeats had at least one
of those subliminal ads in nearly every episode, sometimes right in
the middle of an important scene!), the first episode caused more
yawns than wonderment. I love TV shows and movies about ancient
secret
passageways,
hidden treasure, mind-bending puzzles, booby-traps and archaeology
object finds and their repercussions, but this premiere episode,
which some critics said was a contender to THE
DA VINCI CODE (2006) theatrical film (A movie I didn't much
care for because it was boring, too. My tastes run more towards NATIONAL
TREASURE [2004] and NATIONAL
TREASURE 2: BOOK OF SECRETS [2007]), but DIG is
nothing but a basic biblical End Of Times story that spends too much
time on other things, like the relationship between stars Jason
Isaacs and Anne Heche (Is she a lesbian in real life or just bi-curious?),
while Isaacs investigates the murder of a young female archaeologist
in Jerusalem (he met her a day earlier and she reminds him of his
dead daughter; she even says something that her daughter would always
say to him) who may have discovered the Ark of the Covenant (sound
familiar?), with contents inside (including a breastplate of a high
priest which enables whomever wears it to talk to God, but the 12
stones in the breastplate are missing, so it won't work) that may
predict the date of the Apocalypse (or the Rapture if you prefer).
There's also a sub-plot about a young boy named Joshua (are you
kidding me?) being kept prisoner in a compound in New Mexico run by
"The Pastor", so the boy may be something special and held
prisoner by a religious cult (He escapes, much to The Pastor's
chagrin, so he has one of his female underlings find him, shoot and
kill him [She says to Joshua: "It's too late. Your feet have
touched the ground." before she pulls the trigger.], only for a
second Joshua to show up at the compound, Could it be cloning or
something more sinister?) and some other questionable doings, like
Isaacs running and being able to keep up with a speeding car. How
will all this tie together? Will you watch the remaining nine
60-minute episodes to find out how all this will piece together?
Based on the first episode, I sure won't, but I will give the second
episode a try just to see if it improves. If it does, I will DVR it
and watch the episodes when I have time. But, with me at least, first
impressions are usually the mitigating factor, and my first
impression is telling me that I probably won't be watching it past
Episode 2. While I do not mind mini-series (Oh, excuse me, Event
Series), this one looks like it is going to be a long slog and could
have been made into a three hour TV Movie. Early ratings of the first
episode were soft, but I'm sure the USA Network will give this a
chance to grow. They just put too much time and effort in promoting
this show to just drop it. The USA Network did itself no favors by
airing all four Indiana Jones
films before the series premiere, showing the viewing audience how
this type of thing can be done right in two to 2.5 hours (even if the
fourth movie was the weakest of the series). Like all ancient
artifacts, only time will tell whether this Event Series will survive
or whether it will fade away into dust. They are showing the first
episode a lot in their rotation during the first week, so they are
anxious to get this show to be seen by as many people as possible. I
know as soon as some people see that part of the show is subtitled
(most of it does take place in Jerusalem), they will instantly change
channels because they are too lazy to read while they watch. *
A&E's THE RETURNED
(Mondays 10:00pm) is a very well filmed and suspenseful series, but
there are two huge problems with it: Problem #1: If you have been
watching the original French
series of the same name on VOD
that premiered in 2012, you will immediately notice that this new
series is nearly a scene-for-scene steal of the original series, and
the few of us that watched the first season of the French series are
highly disappointed in A&E for not deviating from the original's
plot (not to mention that ABC already has a remake on TV called RESURRECTION,
but it looks like this is it's final season; on May 7, 2014, ABC
confirmed that fact by cancelling the series) and sticking with the
same format. For newbies, though, this is an entirely creepy series
about a school bus-full of children returning from a ski trip dying
when their bus goes over a cliff after avoiding a young boy in the
road. A few years later, the children begin climbing up the ravine
and return home. They haven't aged at all and remember nothing about
the bus crash and dying. Each episode is about one of the children
returning back to their family and the problems it causes. Are they
really their children or are they something else? The subplot is
about the young boy, Victor/Henry (Dylan Kingwell) also returning and
no one knows who he is or why he is here (It is eventually revealed
in future episodes). Which brings us to Problem #2, and it's a big
one: Even though it's at 42-minute program meant to fit in a one-hour
timeslot, A&E shows commercials every six minutes and let the
show run over 3 or 4 minutes after the hour mark. This is just
unacceptable and may not be picked up by some DVRs, making each
show's finale unviewable to those who have DVR'ed it rather than
watch it live. This is just corporate greed, plain and simple and
there is no other excuse for it. This use to be a common practice
several years ago on network TV, so you wouldn't switch channels and
watch the next show on the network because you have already missed a
few minutes of another program you like on another channel, but it
was stopped when audiences complained because their VCRs would miss
the final minutes of the show (ER was
particularly guilty of this). After watching the first two episodes
live, I have decided to DVR it from now on, but if you are going to
do the same thing as me, do so by adding an extra five minutes to the
end. Too many commercials (and I mean a lot!) spoil the mood for a
series like this and I hope A&E learns this quick, because I, for
one, am sick and tired of this greedy practice, having five (!)
commercial breaks every 30 minutes. Otherwise this is a very
watchable show (all 10 episodes of the first season
"written" by Carlton Cuse, and I put that in parenthesis
because all he did was translate the French series into English to
make it more digestible for U.S. audiences). I would suggest waiting
until this series hits DVD & Blu-Ray before watching it, but that
would be a double-edged sword. If it doesn't find an audience on TV,
A&E has the habit of pulling series off the air very fast
(Remember what happened to THOSE
WHO KILL last year that occupied the very same time and
channel?). I suggest that you DVR it, even if you don't watch it
because ratings now take DVR recordings into the show's ratings
tally. I will watch it because I can fast forward through the
commercials rather quickly, but none of us would have to do that if
A&E cared about their audience rather than corporate sponsors.
Shameful. NOTE: Even though the commercial breaks are
frequent, the show managed to reel me in, hook, line and sinker. It
gets better and better as each episode progresses and has some truly
frightening scenes, such what Henry makes Peter (Jeremy Sisto) see in
a graveyard (Peter was partly responsible for the murder of Henry and
his mother 29
years
ago). It keeps getting better and better, so I really hope a second
season will happen. NOTE #2: The series has been canceled in
June 2015. I guess A&E shot themselves in their own foot with all
those commercials and the show not ending on time. People just
stopped viewing out of disgust. * The best series of 2015?
That's a no-brainer. It's Netflix's DAREDEVIL.
Now hear me out before you shake your head. This is not your normal
superhero series and, please, ignore that 2003
abortion of a film of the same name starring Ben Affleck. This
is a superhero series for adults, not for kids. It's brutal, honest,
has great action scenes (better than most theatrical films) and has
one hell of a leading actor in Charlie Cox ("Owen Slater"
on two seasons of BOARDWALK
EMPIRE - 2011-2012), who plays blind lawyer Matt Murdock by
day and the titled character by night, who only defends a 10 block
radius of his New York Hell's Kitchen neighborhood. It is also the
first Marvel series to earn a TV-MA Rating, which pushes the
violence, nudity and language into Hard-R-Rated territory. The
storylines don't pander to young audiences, as this is a series that
should not be watched by younger children, because the hero suffers
just as much (if not more) than the people he beats to a pulp (Maybe
children should watch this series to realize that there are
consequences that go along with being a superhero). And this is not
your ordinary superhero. This Daredevil has no superpowers besides a
heightened sense of hearing (heightened because of his blindness;
nothing like how Daredevil "sees" in the Affleck film) and
a knowledge on how to defend himself (thanks to his mentor Stick,
portrayed by Scott Glenn in three episodes), but for every punch and
kick he throws, he gets back in return, either in punches or kicks
received, or the damage hitting someone else causes him. I don't want
to give too much away except to say that you will not ever see a
better staged fight sequence that comes at the end of Episode 2, as
it is better choreographed and filmed than most big-budget superhero
films and some episodes will make you tear-up for their poignancy and
raw emotion. Vincent D'Onofrio plays Wilson Fisk, a.k.a. The Kingpin,
starting in Episode 3 (and he has never done better) and Deborah Ann
Woll (TRUE BLOOD -
2008-2014) is excellent as Karen Page, hopefully a future love
interest to Matt Murdock, who has nude scenes that go way past what
we saw of her on HBO. I will keep this short and sweet: If you don't
have Netflix, now you have an excellent reason to sign up, because
this 13-episode first season (it has already been renewed for a
second season) is unlike anything else you will see on TV this year.
Its stories, acting and technical aspects (the sound mixing is
extraordinary and should win an Emmy Award®) are way beyond
average and it will shock and surprise you. When was the last time a
TV Series has done that to you? Look for a roster of recognizable
actors (including Bob Gunton, Rosario Dawson and Vondie Curtis-Hall)
that round out the series regulars and my favorite regular has to be
Elden Henson, who plays Foggy Nelson. So stop reading and start
watching on Netflix now! You'll thank me for recommending this. (NOTE:
Renewed for a third season on July 21, 2016.) * Renewals
for the 2015 - 2016 Season:
Even though AGENTS
OF S.H.I.E.L.D. limited sister series AGENT
CARTER did poorly in the ratings during the former series'
Winter Hiatus, ABC announced on May 7, 2015 that the series would be
back for a second season, proving once and for all that the
Disney-owned ABC wants to turn our TV screens into a Marvel Universe.
I mean, why not, Disney/Marvel have already turned our Summer theater
screens into a Marvel Universe, too. To me, only the aforementioned
adult-oriented series DAREDEVIL
(see above) is worth your time, but when is enough going to be
enough? When Stan Lee passes away (God forbid.)? During the 2014 -
2015 season, the only major network without a series based on a
Marvel character was CBS (They do have a DC Comics weekly adaptation
of SUPERGIRL for
the 2015 - 2016 season, though); ABC also surprisingly picked-up the
low-rated limited series AMERICAN
CRIME for a second season. I tried to get into this series,
but it was too slow-moving and generic for my tastes, but ABC saw
something in it to give it another try during the upcoming new Fall
TV season. CBS has renewed PERSON
OF INTEREST for a fifth season, but only for a 13 episode
run (Series Creator J.J. Abrams says "My Guess Is Its the
Final Season."). Doesn't look too good for the series. Too bad,
because it was one of my Tuesday mainstays. CBS also announced on May
13, 2015 that CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION
will wrap its 15 seasons with a two-hour TV movie on Sept. 27, 2015
The movie will include the return of original series star William
Petersen and Paul Guilfoyle. Former co-star Marg Helgenberger will
appear in the film as well (The only cast member not returning to say
goodbye is George Eads, who didn't like the script, forcing major
revisions. WTF? Go screw Eads! Fifteen years on the show as a regular
cast member and you can't even say goodbye to the fans? I hope you
never get another job on TV or films, you selfish bastard! I can
understand Laurence Fishburne [who only logged-in 61 episodes] or
Gary Dourdan not returning [since Dourdan died on the show], but an
original cast member with 335 episodes under his belt, the most of
any cast member [I'm also surprised that Mark Vann, who played
"Conrad Ecklie" since the show's premiere is not returning,
but he was only a recurring character, appearing in only 66 episodes
in the show's 15 years. He did have some poignant episodes with
Elizabeth Harnois, who played his daughter "Morgan Brody",
in the series' last few seasons and she is returning for the movie.
Mark Vann is a popular guest star on a lot of other series, though,
unlike George Eads, who has done practically nothing besides CSI for
the past 15 years.]? That's like spitting in the fans' eyes and I'm
one of those fans! Even Melinda Clarke, who appeared as dominatrix
"Lady Heather", Petersen's secret love interest/subject of
fascination is returning!) In addition, current CSI star Ted
Danson will continue to stay with the franchise by moving over to the
shows latest spinoff, CSI:
CYBER. FOX has renewed SLEEPY
HOLLOW for a third season, but it will be moved from its
cushy Monday timeslot after GOTHAM
to Thursday night. There is even going to be a SLEEPY
HOLLOW/BONES
crossover episode since they will be playing back-to-back every week.
Will they call it "Sleepy Bones"? Can you say "Jumping
The Shark?" On July 11, 2015, WGN renewed SALEM
for a third season. Character actor supreme Michael Ironside has been
cast in a recurring role on the second season of THE
FLASH. Michael Chiklis has joined the cast of GOTHAM
for its second season as a series regular. On August 7, 2015,
FX has renewed THE STRAIN
for a third season. HBO is in negotiations to finally make a DEADWOOD
wrap-up film. It's about finally fucking time those cocksuckers came
to their motherfucking son-of-a-whore-cocksucker decision! And the
bastard whores took ten motherfucking years to come to their
cocksucking decision? (To quote the series). Maybe they could do the
same thing for CARNIVALE!
Personally, I loved both series and was very disappointed thet
neither one came to their proper conclusion. Although it would take
some sort of miracle to come up with a conclusion to CARNIVALE.
How do you end strange? * Best News Of The Season
Dept (with one caveat): FOX has finally canceled AMERICAN IDOL
and next season's 16th, and final, season will be its last. I never
was a fan of these "Who is the best singer/dancer/comedian/juggler/crotch-grabber,
etc...." shows and this one in particuular grated on my nerves
and I thought it took up way too much of FOX's measly two hours of
prime time programming every night. On the bad news front, FOX has
optioned a new series from Simon Cowell. This doesn't bode well. *
More Than A Coincidence? Dept: How
great is it to have both David Duchovny in the new series 60's-set
cop drama AQUARIUS
(with a Charles Manson backdrop) and Gillian Anderson in the third
season of HANNIBAL
(she finally gets her name in the opening of the show, making her a
regular) playing back-to back on Thursday night on NBC during the
Summer? It's a great way to get ready for the six-episode revival of THE
X-FILES in late January, 2016. We all know that HANNIBAL
is one of the most adult TV series on network TV (as well as being
extremely gruesome), but AQUARIUS is also adult (but more
conventional) in its depiction of 60's California, where troubled
police detective Sam Hodiak (Duchovny) agrees to find the missing
daughter of a former flame, who is now in the clutches and control of
Charles Manson (an Emmy Award® worthy performance by relative
newcomer Gethin Anthony, whose last claim to fame was appearing in 8
episodes of the HBO series GAME
OF THRONES during 2011-2012). There are surprising scenes of
gay sodomy and homosexuality by the bisexual Manson, but it seems
that NBC has over-dubbed some curse words (such as "shit")
with more conventional words because it plays in the family-friendly
hour of 9:00 PM. (I'm sure all the foul language will be on the
Blu-Ray/DVD sets that will eventually be released) It's still a great
series, full of little surprises (such as the reveal of Hodiak's new
partner's family) that make the series stand out from most police
procedurals. The 60's setting is also well used, so there are no such
things as personal computers, DNA matching or cell phones (Hodiak
says something funny regarding not having a phone in his car and
having to find a pay phone) and Miranda Rights have just been passed,
so some police officers don't know how to recite it yet, including
Hodiak, who gives a totally improper (but hilarious) reading of it.
The clothing, cars and other aspects of the series are right on the
money (believe me, I lived through it!), so if you have not yet begun
to watch the series, NBC has followed the Netflix model of making all
13 episodes of the show available at once, so you can binge-watch
them if you want (I'd rather enjoy it weekly so I can get my weekly
Duchovny/Anderson fix, something I haven't been able to do since
2002). The networks are finally wising-up that the Summer is not just
rerun time. There are plenty of people who will watch original
programming if you make it available, something cable TV has been
doing for years. This one-two punch by NBC is a great start, since
CBS found success with UNDER
THE DOME during the Summer and it will be returning for a
third season on June 25th, which is (surprise!) Thursdays opposite AQUARIUS!
What in the world were those dunderheads at CBS thinking, moving it
from its normal Monday 10:00 pm slot, to a different day and time?
Looks like Season 3 will be its last (on August 31, 2015, CBS
announced that UNDER THE DOME was canceled after three
seasons). This is what DVRs were invented for. This is a great time
to be a TV watcher and a bad time to be a CBS executive. UPDATE:
On June 22, 2015, NBC announced That HANNIBAL has been
canceled after three seasons. They say rights issues are the cause
(they wanted to introduce Clarice Starling in Season 4, but they
don't have the rights to do so and it would be cost prohibitive), but
the real issue is that it, along with AQUARIUS, have been
getting anemic ratings (The David Duchnovy show had better numbers,
though). I don't know what is wrong with the viewing public or if the
Neislen Ratings System is just very fucked-up, but to not watch these
two very adult shows is a cardinal sin to me. NBC said that HANNIBAL
will run the complete third season (ending August 27, 2015) and then
produce no more episodes (NBC would be foolish not to air the
complete third season because it only costs them $100,000 an episode,
the cheapest amount for a scripted show on any network). Let's hope
some streaming service like Amazon Prime or Netflix picks it up and
lets it continue (Showrunner Bryan Fuller announced on July 6, 2015,
that both Netflix and Amazon passed on picking it up, so Fuller is
hoping for a future movie deal). It doesn't look good, though, since
Gaumont International Television, the production company responsible
for the show, released Hugh Dancy and Mads Mikkelsen from their
contracts. Getting them back may be cost prohibitive. And that's a
shame because Season 3 is the best season yet so far. Did you see the
beat-down Hannibal received in Episode 5? Classic! And Gillian
Anderson's performance in Episode 6 was Emmy worthy. UPDATE #2:
In the most idiotic and puzzling decision in history, NBC moved both AQUARIUS
and HANNIBAL to Saturdays from 9:00 to 11:00 pm. starting July
18, 2015, assuring AQUARIUS, which was pulling in decent
numbers, will never see a Season 2. Good move, you fucking retards at
NBC. You know full well that Saturday nights are when most adults go
out for the evening. Pissed-off doesn't describe my feelings at this
moment. NBC stated they did this move because their affiliates were
tired of pulling in such low numbers. Since HANNIBAL only cost
NBC $100,000 per episode (That's the total cost for all of NBC
and their affiliates combined) and they more than quadruple that in
advertising dollars alone per episode (and that is per station and
affiliate, so think of that staggering profit), I'm not buying that
explanation. It is Summer, after all, and profit is profit. It looks
like my DVR will be set on Saturdays for the first time in my DVR's
history. NBC should stand for "No Body Cares" or
"'Nother Boneheaded Cock-up." And so it starts:
Pre-football season starts and, of course, the games are shown on NBC
Saturday Nights which means entire episodes of AQUARIUS are
missing from the roster and HANNIBAL is starting late. Make
sure to give your DVR plenty of time so that you don't miss the
endings. The April 22, 2015 episode in my TIVO says HANNIBAL
starts at 10:30 pm and only runs for 30 minutes, which is a bunch of
bullshit. NBC has once again shot themselves in the foot, especially
when it comes to fans of these two series. Sports is always more
important to them. They knew that when they moved both series to
Saturday. Fuck NBC and fuck pre-football season. BUT FUCK NBC FOR
KNOWINGLY PUTTING BOTH THESE SERIES IN TIME SLOTS THEY KNEW WOULD BE
PRE-EMPTED. Quick Good New Dept: NBC announced at the end of
June 2015 that AQUARIUS has been picked up for a Second
Season. I'm glad about that, but still confused about why they moved
it to Saturdays? My only reason was because their Netflix model for
releasing all 13 episodes of this show at once worked out great for
them. But I only binge on a few shows. I like to see this one play
out week-by-week and its audience numbers are downright anemic with
its latest episode (its 10th) receiving a paltry 2.5 million viewers
and now I am missing two episodes in a row because of pre-football
season. * Short 'N' Sweet Dept: New
Summer TV shows you should be watching: FOX's WAYWARD
PINES (Consider this 2015's version of TWIN
PEAKS [before David Lynch returns with his own reboot in
2017]). Matt Dillon goes to the titled town in Idaho to search for
two missing Federal Agents and
discovers
a town shrouded in mystery. Unlike Lynch's original series, this
version, from Executive Producer M. Night Shyamalan, actually has a
plot you can follow without having to take hallucinogens. And it
actually has answers you can understand. If you haven't watched it
from the first episode, I would suggest you stream it from the
beginning or wait for its eventual disc release. This is not a series
you can watch starting from the middle and enjoy. The last couple of
episodes were disappointing, though, just like a Shyamalan film, but
I do give the series credits for tying up all the loose strings. More
TV shows should be as bold. (NOTE #1: On December 9. 2015, FOX
renewed the series for a Second Season! It should be interesting
where Shyamalan will take the show. The Second Season will premiere
May 24, 2016.). USA's MR. ROBOT
(I believe the best Summer Show on TV and also one of the most
downbeat. A "hero hacker" named Elliott [Rami Malek] with
awful interpersonal issues and a drug problem who looks like E.T.
[especially when he wears his hoodie]? Is "Mr. Robot"
someone he created in his messed-up head? [It's beginning to look
more and more like it is, since "Mr. Robot" bears a
striking resemblance to Elliott's father. Seems like I had it pegged
from the first episode, but that in no way diminishes the series.].
It is also great to see Christian Slater do an unusual series like
this and not tepid DTV flicks and to actually have a TV series last
more than one season. Already renewed for a Second Season to premiere
Wednesday July 13, 2016. SHIVERING NOTE: August 26, 2015:
"Due to an unfortunate parallel to a real-life tragedy today,
USA has postponed tonight's MR. ROBOT season finale to air
next week. The freshman thriller's season finale features a very
graphic on-camera shooting. It's not identical to the tragedy this
morning in Virginia, where a TV reporter and cameraman were murdered
during a live broadcast, but it was close enough that USA
understandably decided it was wise to put a bit of distance between
the real and fictional events. No one who watched tonight would be
thinking about anything else. In a statement, the network said,
"The previously filmed season finale of 'Mr. Robot' contains a
graphic scene similar in nature to todays tragic events in
Virginia. Out of respect to the victims, their families and
colleagues, and our viewers, we are postponing tonights
episode."" My condolences to the Virginia TV News family,
too. At least USA Network didn't chicken out and refuse to show a
Season One episode because it paralleled a real life-life incident
like NBC did with HANNIBAL.)
and COMPLICATIONS
(I have fun with this one even if it's nothing ground-breaking.
Renewed for a Second Season.). ABC's THE
WHISPERS (Surprisingly addictive. I need to find out who or
what "Drill" is! It has been getting low ratings and ABC
has already released the actors' contracts, so it looks like there
will be no Season Two.). The Second Season of HBO's TRUE
DETECTIVE (I consider this a new series because it is a
whole new story with different actors than the First Season. The
first episode of the season really pulled me in. And, wow. Just wow.
Colin Farrell didn't last too long, did he? Addendum: Wow
again, what a cheat. Seems the two shotgun blasts Farrell's character
took to the chest were full of rock salt! Addendum #2: Holy
Christ, did you see that shoot-out at the end of Episode 4? My jaw
was agape watching it. The second season is proving to be better than
the first season, in my opinion. Less Friedrich Wilhelm
Nietzsche-like dialogue and more common policework, but with layered
players who are not without their major faults. Still an element of
supernatural mystery, though [Eyeless and genital-less corpses,
anyone?], and time-jumping. But this season it is more
straight-forward. And R.I.P. Taylor Kitsch). The final episode of the
season was a major letdown, though, with clichéd plot devices
and killing off everybody but one (who doesn't look to last too long
if you look behind the person in the final scene). Netflix's SENSE8
(The Wachowskis, Andy & Lara [nee Larry], haven't had much
success since their MATRIX trilogy,
churning out critical and financial disasters, but as
Creators/Directors/Writers [with J. Michael Straczynski] of this new
streaming series, they seem to have found solid footing. Eight people
from around the world suddenly become aware of each other. What could
it mean? Is there a higher calling? This sumptuously-photographed
series gives us little clues along the way, while giving us detailed
backgrounds of the eight people and what their connection could be.
One of the most binge-worthy shows of the Summer. I ate it all up in
two nights. It was addicting like crack. Here's hoping for a Second
Season! UPDATE: On August 8, 2015, Netflix announced it has
been renewed for a second season!). UPDATE #2: The series will
have a one-off Christmas special starting December 23, 2016 and the
Second Season will start May 5, 2017. Summer
TV shows you should avoid like the plague: MTV's SCREAM
(just one word: UGH!!! For some unknown reason [probably because
teens will watch anything teen-related], it was already renewed for a
second season.). ABC's THE
ASTRONAUT WIVES CLUB (60's-era soap opera claptrap which was
canceled after one season). TNT's PROOF
(Is there life after death? Who cares? People are going to believe
what they want to believe. I can't believe some critics are praising
this show! I can understand religious people loving it, but critics
are supposed to be unbiased. NOTE: On September 24, 2015, TNT
announced there would be no Season 2. Can't say I'm surprised.). ABC
Family's STITCHERS
(A silly premise about a woman who can "stitch" herself
into the memories of dead people to solve their murders. It was made
for what the ABC Family calls "In-Betweeners", a new age
group which runs through the age of 18 and 32 [Why don't they just
change the name of the channel instead of making-up nonsense words?
Actually, they are changing their name to "Freeform" on
Jaunary 12, 2016. The series has been renewed for a Second Season.].
It hasn't been a "family" channel for quite some time. They
should rename the channel to "ABC What We Did?" and should
have called this show "Snorers".). CBS's ZOO
(Why are normally docile animals attacking their owners and why are
animals that usually stick to their forest or jungle territory coming
into populated areas and attacking and killing humans around the
world? Could it possibly be that they were forced to watch pablum
like this? CBS touts this as coming from "#1 Best Selling Author
James Patterson", not bothering to say that Patterson knocks out
10 books a year [and that this particular novel had a co-writer].
It's not like he is Hemingway. He's a hack writer. And this is a hack
series. There is some intentionally funny dialogue, though
[Especially between Kristen Connolly and Billy Burke's characters,
such as when Burke is trying to find out why a bunch of household pet
cats are missing, discovering all of them alive, sitting in the same
tree, where Connolly says to him, "You went on a cat stakeout?
That cat stakeout turned into a cat pursuit?"], but the animal
attacks, as seen by myself through episoode 4, have been rather
bloodless and unconvincing, especially the pack of wolves attacking a
prison and freeing a crazy religious man who was on Death Row.). This
is proving to be CBS' top-rated show during the Summer, which only
proves to me that people want candy, not meat and potatoes.) NOTE:
CBS announced that a Second Season will happen in the Summer of 2016.
Since they cancelled UNDER
THE DOME and EXTANT,
CBS needs something familiar for audiences to watch (besides that
tripe BIG BROTHER) for the Summer. I just can't believe it was
this underachieving series.). AMC's HUMANS
(In this done to death scenario, on a parallel timeline, Earth's
population are able to purchase "Synths", human-like robots
that help us with everyday chores and menial jobs. Problem is, they
are developing human emotions such as love and anger and become
self-aware, so they start doing a lot more than they were programmed
to. Willim Hurt must be hurting for a job to star in something like
this. I'm surprised the estates of Isaac Asimov and Ray Bradbury
aren't suing the makers.). Note: It was renewed for an
8-episode second season with Carrie-Anne Moss to join as a regular.
AMC's FEAR THE
WALKING DEAD is nothing but the same kind of stupid-ass
multicultural cast doing stupid things that they do in the
"companion" series THE
WALKING DEAD, except this one takes place in Los Angeles
when the zombie outbreak is just happening and there are less
"walkers" in the first few episodes than on one episode on
the companion series. If the zombies look different, it is because
they are recently deceased, so the only real way to tell is by their
sunken-in eyes (and their zombie shuffle). That's about the only
correct thing they did in this new series, but I am sure the fans of
the first show will also eat up this show (One critic had the nerve
to compare it to APOCALYPSE NOW!).
I'm not going to be one of them. (NOTE: Well, it set the
All-Time Cable Ratings Premiere Record with 10.1 million viewers,
proving to me that there are 10.1 million people who need to get out
for some fresh air, unless they are afraid zombies are going to eat
them.). I had my fill of clichéd characters to last me a
lifetime. This is also the last series that I review for the 2014 -
2015 TV season, as this had an August 23, 2015 start. The new 2015 -
2016 season starts in about three weeks. * More Cancellations Dept:
On June 30, 2015, NBC announced that AMERICAN
ODYSSEY was canceled after one season. Another Sunday Night
at 10:00pm show that didn't survive. Does any network series shown
during that time slot survive? On July 3, 2015, NBC also announced
that A.D. THE
BIBLE CONTINUES would not have a second season. What would
Jesus do? In this day and age, he (in the visage of Mark Burnett and
Roma Downey) would form his own digital faith-based channel called
OTT (Over The Top? One Time Toomany? Oversized Titty Transplant?) so
everyone could still watch his antics. OK, everyone, let's binge on
Jesus! (but you'll have to wait until 2017). * More Than Just A
Tad Peeved Dept: TV Guide
hasn't been relevant since they tossed away their digest format and
turned it into a glossy kiss-ass rag more interested in covering
movies than TV (and increasing the price from $1.49 to a staggering
$4.99!), basically tossing-out all late night listings in favor of
putting in more coverage of films and streaming networks (whch
doesn't help a late-night owl like myself), but even they reached the
nadir of their existence when they put the cast of SHARKNADO
3: OH HELL NO!
on their July
11, 2015 cover (shot by the still-beautiful Bo Derek, no less,
who has an extended cameo in the film) and then give this cheap non-Union
film seven pages of coverage inside to praise it (not once in the
lengthy article do they mention the picketing from Union members
while the third film was being made, but they do compare Ian Ziering
to Bruce Willis!). In the next issue, dated July 27 - August 9, 2015,
they give the movie a "Cheer"!
Since they only give three "Cheers" a week (another one
was for the anemic CBS TV series ZOO!),
I guess we all know where TV Guide's taste is: In their ass! I bet
this increases The Asylum's profile, but it is an insult to everyone
with a brain and those who work for film Unions everywhere. Calling
it "Summer's Wildest Ride" only shows how myopic TV Guide
has become. I can think of at least a hundred better things on TV
during the Summer than this Union-busting film, but I'm sure some of
those that still depend on TV Guide to give them nightly Prime Time
listings (I, for one, don't) will tune in to see what all the hub-bub
is about. I'm all for mindless entertainment, but not when it takes
food out of the mouths of hard-working, dues-paying film technicians
who were basically replaced by scabs on this film. Almost every film
by The Asylum (except for SHARKNADO
2: THE SECOND ONE, which was shot in New York City, where
you have to use IATSE Unions to make make movies and TV shows) is a
non-Union film, which is why they look so cheap and tawdry. I never
understood the SHARKNADO
craze; the first film lighting up Twitter like a Christmas tree (but
still getting poor ratings; the ratings increased during the second,
third and umpteenth time they aired it after it became a Twitter
sensation), turning it into a juggernaut; but people need to know the
truth on how these films are made: On the cheap, with grade-school
CGI and casts of has-beens. These films may have raised the profiles
of Tara Reid and Ian Ziering (Which begs the question: Why?), but, in
reality, these two "actors" couldn't act their way out of a
paper bag (especially Reid, who is stiff as a man who just popped
five Viagras). And that describes this series of films perfectly: An
empty paper bag. The only thing inside it is hot air. And don't get
me started on why well-known actors and personalities are clamoring
to have cameos in these films (Mark Cuban as the President Of The
United States? David "The Hoff" Hasselhoff as Ian Ziering's
father? Bo Derek as Tara Reid's mother?). It just boggles the mind.
And while we are on the subject of TV Guide, why is it that
periodicals like Entertainment Weekly contain more full-page ads for
TV shows than the magazine supposedly made for TV viewers? Could it
be that the major networks believe TV Guide is long past its prime
and would rather spend their advertising budget in magazines more
prolific? Think about that the next time you see an issue of TV Guide
while standing in line at a grocery store and wondering about buying
it. $4.99 can be spent a lot more wisely (Hell, even Entertainment
Weekly is cheaper and gives you a lot more bang for your buck, but
yet another THE
WALKING DEAD cover and story in the August 7, 2015 issue? Why
don't you change your name to THE WALKING DEAD WEELY and just get it
over with? Nearly every issue name-drops the show at least once.).
Rant over. NOTE: At the end of the third installment, a piece
of a satellite falls out of the sky and heads right for Tara Reid's
character, April (Yeah, I know, what are the chances of that actually
happenning?). The film goes to black and then asks fans to vote on
Twitter as to whether April lives or dies at the beginning of SHARKNADO
4: I SHIT IN
MY DEPENDS
(actually it is a STAR
WARS rip-off title SHARKNADO:
THE 4TH AWAKENS and opens on SyFy July 31, 2016). Here's
another cheap ploy used by The Asylum to milk a dead cow (Not To
mention the mocumentary documentary SHARKNADO:
HEART OF SHARKNESS - 2015, a phony documentary about a
non-existant director who wanted to use real sharks in the first film
and made the movie that way, with a different cast, of course!) The
third episode opened with over one million less viewers than the
second (which is about on par for any SyFy Original Film), so I guess
they'll be bypassing Film Unions again to get this one made. My
advice, don't watch it or buy TV Guide. And for their third issue in
a row (the August 10 - 23, 2015 issue), they mention SHARKNADO 3:
OH HELL NO! again! This time in a Facebook
poll. Some of the answers are definitely written by people with
some types of psychological issues. NOTE: The filmmakers
edited out Jared Fogle (The Subway Sandwich spokesperson) from Part 3
because he was convicted of pedophilia and is serving 17 years in
prison. The only two things that made me laugh in Part 4 were when
Caroline Williams reprises her "Stretch" role from THE
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 (1985) and says "It wouldn't
be Texas without a chainsaw massacre!" as she, Duane 'Dog'
Chapman (as "Chop Top") and Dan Yeager (as
"Gunnar"; he was Leatherface in TEXAS
CHAINSAW 3D - 2012) slice-up flying sharks with chainsaws
and an appearance of John Carpenter's CHRISTINE
(1983), the 1958 Plymouth Fury, in one scene (it still played only
50's songs, or at least facsimilies of 50's songs since this film
couldn't afford the real thing). Part 4 also had the most cameos of
all four films and it was particularly sad to see how much plastic
surgery Carrot Top (as an Uber driver) and Wayne Newton (who sings a
snippit of a Sharknado tune) have had. They look like storefront
window mannequins (In all fairness, Carrot Top looks like a clown
mannequin.). The films also exist in the same universe as the LAVALANTULA
(2015) franchise, as Steve
Guttenberg ("Colton West") and Ian Ziering ("Fin
Shepard") make cameos in each other's films using their
character's names. What makes this strange is that Guttenberg's
franchise has nothing to do with The Asylum and I prefer those films
over the Ziering franchise, since Guttenberg seems to be having a lot
of fun with his former leading man image and the first film is like a
mini-reunion of POLICE ACADEMY
(1984), with Michael Winslow, Leslie Easterbrook, and Marion Ramsey
all putting in appearances. And the films are funnier and have better
special effects, too. It also doesn't hurt that both of Guttenberg's
films contain appearances by the diminutive Danny Woodburn (best
remembered as Kramer's friend on SEINFELD),
an actor who really knows how to make you laugh. Here he plays
Guttenberg's agent and throws out some hilarious one-liners.
Top
10 suggested titles for the fifth installmant of the SHARKNADO franchise:
SHARKNADO
5:
OH FUCK NO! NOT ANOTHER ONE?
SHARKNADO
5:
THERE ARE THINGS IN MY STOOL MORE INTERESTING THAN THIS.
SHARKNADO
5:
SHARKS
MAKE ME SHIT MY PANTS (THE RUNNY KIND).
SHARKNADO
5:
A
SHARK ATE MY TERM PAPER.
SHARKNADO
5:
APRIL MAKES FOR SOME GOOD-TASTING CHUM (EXCEPT FOR THAT METAL HAND).
SHARKNADO
5:
REPUBLICANS BLAME THE DEMOCRATS FOR THE PROBLEM. WANT SHARKS' BIRTH CERTIFICATES.
SHARKNADO
5:
I CAN'T WATCH THE MOVIE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THAT FEMININE SWAGGER. HAIL
TO THE V!!!
SHARKNADO
5:
CGI IS FOR CHUMPS. HELLO CHUMPS.
SHARKNADO
5:
MOMMY,
WHY IS DADDY'S THINGY
IN YOUR MOUTH?
and
finally...
SHARKNADO 5:
BECAUSE DONALD
TRUMP WHINED HE
WASN'T IN THE FIRST FOUR.
WANTS
SHARKS CLASSIFIED AS ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.
AND
THE WINNER IS: SHARKNADO
5: GLOBAL SWARMING
Let's
get very serious for a moment: The August 11, 2014 suicide of
comedian/actor Robin
Williams
should bring to light just what clinical depression can do to a
person. It proves that having all the money and fame in the world
cannot beat this dreaded disease. While having cancer is bad, some
forms of it can be cured, but clinical depression has no cure. Every
day, 117 people leave this world by taking their own lives because
they believe it is the only way out. While some of those suicides may
be from bullying and other factors, clinical depression is the
leading cause of taking one's lives. People say, "But don't they
understand their actions affect everyone, especially their loving
family?" The answer is yes, they do, but the depression is so
bad it overwhelms their desire to stay alive. It is apparent that
psychiatrists and all the drugs they prescribe do absolutely no good.
They are only a stopgap measure and leave the person walking around
like they are in a fog. After a while, the human body becomes
acclimated to the meds and a different set is prescribed. That is not
a soultion. That is like sticking your finger in a leaking dike until
all your fingers are stuck in holes, yet more holes and leaks pop up.
We have to come up with a radical different way to treat clinical
depression. It is very apparent that what we are doing now is not
working. Until we know how the human brain works (we are gaining
ground, but not fast enough), there will always be people who suffer
from clinical depression. I have witnessed the dreaded disease (and
it is a disease, not a "condition") take the lives of two
loved ones, plus my Facebook friend Andy Copp. We have to try harder,
increase funding to come up with a cure and wipe out this dreaded
disease. Until we do, 117 people will take their lives every day. I
don't know about you, but that number is not acceptable to me. I know
people who rather not talk about depression, but it should be
discussed out in the open, including with children, so they can
understand the signs. If Robin Williams did one thing by taking his
life, it was bringing clinical depression out in the spotlight
(although I would still rather he be alive). Now is the time to
discuss it openly before the next big thing comes around and people
forget about clinical depression and what it can do to people. Mr.
William's wife also revealed that Robin was also suffering the early
stages of Parkinson's Disease, which probably put Mr. Williams over
the edge (And now every photo I see of Robin, all I see is sadness in
his eyes). Let's not let this awful opportunity pass us by without
coming up with some solutions for this disease and I hope the trolls
that made fun of Robin's death to his daughter Zelda on social media
sites, (including Twitter and Instagram), posting awful remarks and
Photoshopped photos of her father's death (which I won't describe
here due to the family wanting privacy; and a big "Boo!' to the
Coroner's Office and Police Department for graphically telling the
Press the manner of Mr. William's death after the family begged for
privacy), all get caught and are punished accordingly. No child
should have to go through what poor Zelda did, but the Internet is
full of "keyboard warriors' who are nothing but cowardly little
twerps. Zelda was forced to quit her accounts on these sites because
of those taunts and photos, proving once again that the internet is
full of both good and bad. But the bad overrides all the good
intentions with just one insensitive comment. Let's try and be more
understanding from now on. Suicide is never the answer, but until we
understand clinical depression and the way it screws with our brains,
there will be more. You can count on that. UPDATE: August 12,
2014: It has been a year since Robin Williams' suicide and platitudes
are coming from every star and friend that knew him, but nowhere did
I see any talk about trying to curb suicide. Yes, everyone is allowed
to have fond memories of their friends, but you would think the
manner of his death would be discussed seriously. And I have read
very little. And until we finally have a serious sit-down and discuss
the problem, there will be many more. And over the past year there
have been many deaths attributed to suicide, both famous and
not-so-famous. Let us make Robin Williams' death actually mean
something. Make a difference. I'm sure Robin Williams would want that
more than anything. Contrary to the old M*A*S*H song, suicide
isn't painless. It leaves many hurt people behind. But people that
take their own lives don't worry about such things because the
disease has taken over their mind. And, yes, it is a disease. Don't
let anyone tell you differently. Especially psychiatrists, who would
rather fill your body with mood stabilizers than get to the root of
the problem (Don't get me wrong, mood stabilizers work, but they are
not a permanent solution, as the human body builds up a resistance to
them). We actually need more people out there who actually CARE and
posting a Suicide Help Line phone number is not the answer (Most
people who seriously want to commit suicide don't care about such
things). Look for the signs and if you see them, sit down with the
person and offer all the help you can. Believe me, it makes a world
of difference. SIDE NOTE: Jim Carrey's girlfriend, Cathriona
White, committed suicide by taking prescription meds on September 28,
2015. Police discovered that the names on the prescription bottles (a
drug sleep aid, a pain killer and blood pressure medication) were an
alias that Jim Carrey has used in the past and all the prescriptions
were written by the same doctor. If Carrey had anything to do with
supplying her with those prescriptions, he should be charged with
assisted suicide. Jim Carrey has long been known to have bi-polar
disorder, but that is no excuse if he obtained the medication for
her. If she stole them from Carrey, my apologies, but why use an
alias in the first place? Being a celebrity is no excuse for that
behavior and doctors should not enable that behavior. It's fraud,
plain and simple. It's no different than stealing a doctor's
prescription pad and writing your own medication scripts. I've always
been a proponent that pharmacists should ask for ID before handing
over filled prescriptions. It would stop a lot of overdoses and
suicides. UPDATE: September 2016: White's estranged husband is
suing Carrey for being complicit in his wife's suicide and also
accused Carrey of giving his estranged wife Herpes Type 1, Herpes
Type 2 (genital herpes) and gonorrhea. Carrey denies the allegations,
but got himself a lawyer anyway, saying that White's estranged
husband
is trying to ruin his name. Really! I think Carrey has done a good
job of that all by himself. I believe Carrey is guilty (all he has to
do is take a blood test to prove his innocence, something he refuses
to do) and hope he is ruined for life and serves some jail time. UPDATE
#2: October 11, 2016: The mother of Jim Carreys
ex-girlfriend says she is willing to drop her wrongful death suit
blaming the comedian for her daughters suicide if Carrey
releases the results of an alleged STD test to the public. Brigid
Sweetman, the mother of Cathriona White, told TheWrap
in a statement: Jim Carrey and his attorney have told the world
that Carrey has never had STDs and he has never tested positive for
STDs. They have called me and Mark shams for claiming
otherwise. I am demanding they immediately release the full 2013 lab
results so people can judge for themselves who is telling the truth
and who is lying. If they publicly release and publish the full Quest
Diagnostics lab report for the blood sample Carrey gave on January
28, 2013 at 11:40 a.m. under the name Jose Lopez and if
it shows Carrey did not test positive for STDs, I will immediately
dismiss the case and apologize. But if it shows differently, and it
will, then Carrey and his attorney must admit they have lied to the
media and the public. The public has a right to know when they have
been lied to. I will keep you advised on what Jim Carrey does,
but it looks like he is in some legal and financial trouble. UPDATE
#3: October 18, 2016: Brigid Sweetman released a statement
Tuesday October 18. 2016, calling Carrey a complete liar
for not producing the test results. One week ago, I offered to
drop my case against Jim Carrey if he released his STD test from 2013
and it showed he was clean as he has told the world, Sweetman
said in a statement released by her attorney. He has refused to
release the test, which shows he is a complete liar and cannot be
trusted to be honest with the public and the media in this case.
Sweetmans lawsuit alleges that Carrey contributed to
Whites 2015 suicide by providing her with drugs and
transmitting multiple STDs to her without telling her he was
infected. Jim Carrey should be ashamed of what he did to my
daughter. And he should be ashamed for how he has used his Hollywood
attorneys to badmouth Cats husband Mark with the hope that
nobody will hold him responsible for what he did, Sweetman said
in a statement after filing the lawsuit. The complaint goes on to
claim that Carrey tested positive for multiple STDs in 2013, using
the name Jose Gomez for the tests. Whites estranged husband,
Mark Burton, has made similar allegations in a separate wrongful
death lawsuit. Carrey's lawyer went on the record to say: It is
understandable that a mother who has lost a daughter will look for
someone to blame. But in directing her grief and rage at Jim Carrey
and joining this ridiculous lawyers attempt to capitalize on
Cathrionas suicide, Mrs. Sweetman is heading down the same dark
path as Cathrionas green-card husband, Mark
Burton, Singer said. On her 30th birthday, just a few
days before her suicide, Cathriona White was distraught having
received a message from her mother through Facebook that was so
destructive and demoralizing that she instantly deleted her Facebook
account so her mother could no longer contact her, Singer
added. Cathriona often lamented about her contentious
relationship with her mother, how she was forced to leave home at the
age of 15, and how they had been estranged for years. Too bad
Carrey's lawyer failed to mention what her mother wrote, why Carrey
won't release his medical records and why Carrey hired Private
Detectives to dig up dirt on his dead girlfriend's family. Those are
the actions of a guilty man. UPDATE #4: Jim Carrey Will Face
Trial Over Death Of Girlfriend Cathriona White. Her mother and
ex-husband are taking Carrey to court. Whites family is now
suing Carrey claiming the Hollywood actor was complicit in the
30-year-old's suicide. I hope Carrey loses and spends the rest of his
days as a pauper. He is a total shit and a liar.UPDATE #5:
February 1, 2018: The wrongful death lawsuit filed against Jim Carrey
has been dismissed in a court of law. Once again, celebrity trumps
the truth. SIDE NOTE #2: October 26, 2015: Actor and model Sam
Sarpong, known for co-hosting MTVs YO MAMMA (2006 -
2007) with Wilmer Valderrama, died Monday, his rep confirmed. He was
40. Sarpong died after jumping off a bridge in Pasadena, Calif.,
according to E! News. The Los Angeles County Department of Medical
Examiner-Coroner has ruled his death a suicide, with an autopsy
pending. Seriously, how many people have to die before we take this
suicide situation with the attention it deserves?. It happens a lot
more than you think, especially among reality show participants who
no longer have their 15 minutes of fame. TROUBLING SIDE NOTE:
January 8, 2016: What troubles me about the horror film THE
FOREST
(2015), which opened as the #4 film of the weekend, the main theme of
the film is that of suicide and it doesn't show it as the troubling
trend that it is today. Aokigahara, known as the Suicide Forest or
Sea of Trees is a 35-square-kilometer forest lying at the north-west
base of Mount Fuji in Japan. The forest has an association with
demons in Japanese mythology, and is a common suicide site (Japan has
more suicides per capita than any other country and it is common for
students not doing well in school to kill themselves, usually by
hanging because they are ashamed of facing their parents); a sign at
the start of the main trail urges suicidal visitors to contact a
suicide prevention association. Japan did not give the production
permission to film at the actual forest out of respect to the
families, so the film had to use another forest in Serbia, but we
must learn that even though nothing should be off-limits, there is
such a thing called respect and some people should learn how to use
it. Especially filmmakers. Don't use suicide as a plot device. Too
many good people have died because they suffer from depression, a
legitimate disease and using it to make a horror film is just bad
taste. Japan did right by its suicide victims, but this film does
nothing but perpetrate the myth of the psychology of the deadly
practice, especially in the first third of the movie. Besides, it's a
PG-13 Rated hunk of junk that will disappear from the top 20 after
the first week. Suicide is never a good subject for a horror film,
but it should be discussed seriously with your kids and other family
members. Films like this make it seem that suicide victims haunt
people. They do, but not in the way this film portrays them. Let's
just be more responsible and cognizant of the fact that there are
families out there still suffering from suicidal relatives or
friends. SIDE NOTE #3: March 26, 2017: Clay Adler, former star
of MTV's now defunct NEWPORT HARBOR: THE REAL ORANGE COUNTY
committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. He was just 27
years old. I believe we should take a long hard look about what
reality shows do to the psyche of the participants when the show is
over. There are just too many suicides associated with reality shows,
yet we just report them and forget about it. Time for action, not
inaction. SIDE NOTE #4: May 17, 2017: Chris Cornell, the
former front man of Soundgarden (and one of the chief architects of
grunge music) and member of the musical group Audioslave, whose music
was heard on countless Theatrical Films and TV Series, committed
suicide by hanging in Detroit while on a concert tour with
Soundgarden. He was nominated for a Golden Globe® for Best
Original Song - Motion Picture ("The Keeper") in 2012 from
the film MACHINE GUN PREACHER.
He was found unresponsive in Detroit and pronounced dead. Another
life taken away from us. Chris Cornell was 52 years-old. SIDE NOTE #5:
My condolences go out to film director Zack Snyder and his wife. One
of their eight children, Autumn Snyder, committed suicide on March
20, 2017 at the age of 20. The list of suicides per day has risen
from 117 in 2014 to 129 in 2016. Things are getting worse because our
President just doesn't care. SIDE NOTE #6: July 20, 2017:
Chester Bennington, the frontman of the band Linkin Park, committed
suicide by hanging. He was just 41 years old. No one knows at the
moment why he did it (It was on Chris Cornell's birthday and he sang
Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" at Cornell's memorial
service.), but the band released a "Pop" album called
called "One More Light" in May 2017 which was unlike any
album released by the band. There is a song called "Heavy"
on that album that is one of the best songs Linkin Park has ever done
(They were playing a concert in France and when they got done playing
their most famous song, "In The End", Bennington started
singing "Heavy" and someone in the crowd threw a gallon jug
of water at him. They didn't want to hear Linkin Park sing Pop songs,
but it will go down as one of the band's best songs.). If you listen
to the lyrics of that song, it may give you clues on why Bennington
took his own life. Another life needlessly wasted. SIDE NOTE #7:
September 15, 2017: Michelle Rounds, Rosie ODonnells
ex-wife, has died at age 46. TMZ reports that Rounds died Monday by
apparent suicide. I am saddened to hear about this terrible
tragedy, ODonnell said in a statement. Mental
illness is a very serious issue affecting many families. My thoughts
and prayers go out to Michelles family, her wife and their
child. ODonnell and Rounds married in New York in June
2012, and they announced in January 2013 that they had adopted a baby
girl, Dakota. AS you can plainly see Mental Illness has no bias It
attacks nearly everyone and suicide is sometimes the only answer in
their minds. Why haven't we brought this subject out into the open? SIDE
NOTE #8: March 04, 2019: Today, Keith Flint, lead singer of The
Prodigy ("Smack My Bitch Up", "Firestarter"),
died, his death has been ruled a suicide as a result of hanging. Why
do singers think that suicide is the answer? It isn't. We lost Chris
Cornell and Chester Bennington to suicide in 2017 and I'm still
hurting from that. Nothing should be so bad that suicide is the
answer. It is the coward's way out. Suicide doesn't just affect the
person who commits it. It affects everyone, from their family to
their fans. Unfortunately, he passed away the same day Luke Perry
died of a heart attack at the age of 52, giving his death less press
than was necessary. Isn't it about time we seriously study why famous
people believe suicide is the answer?
INCOMPLETE LIST OF REALITY STAR SUICIDES
YEAR |
NAME |
METHOD |
SHOW TITLE |
2004 |
Kellie McGee |
Overdose |
Extreme Makeover (Unaired Episode) |
2005 |
Melanie Bell |
Jumped To Death |
Vega Elvis (Unaired) |
2005 |
Najai Turpin |
Shot Himself |
The Contender |
2006 |
Paula Goodspeed |
Overdose |
American Idol |
2007 |
Cheryl Kosewicz |
Unknown Means |
Pirate Master |
2007 |
Rachel Brown |
Shot Herself |
Hell's Kitchen |
2008 |
James Terrill |
Shot Himself |
Supernanny |
2008 |
Nathan Clutter |
Jumped To Death |
Paradise Hotel 2 |
2009 |
Ryan Jenkins |
Hanging |
Megan Wants A Millionaire |
2010 |
Julien Hug |
Shot Himself |
The Bachelorette |
2010 |
Joseph Cerniglia |
Jumped Off GWB |
Kitchen Nightmares |
2011 |
Mike Starr |
Overdose |
Celebrity Rehab; Sober House |
2011 |
Jeff Conaway |
Possible Overdose |
Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew |
2011 |
Ryan Dunn |
DUI Car Crash |
Jackass; Viva La Bam |
2011 |
Russell Armstrong |
Hanging |
Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills |
2011 |
Wesley Durden |
Shot Himself |
Next Great Baker |
2012 |
Joey Kovar |
Overdose |
The Real World: Hollywood; Others |
2012 |
Rodney King |
Drowning/Overdose |
Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew |
2013 |
Joshua Marks |
Shot Himself |
MasterChef |
2013 |
Shain Gandee |
Carbon Monoxide |
Buckwild |
2013 |
Mark Balelo |
Carbon Monoxide |
Storage Wars |
2013 |
Gia Allemand |
Hanging |
The Bachelor |
2013 |
Mindy McCready |
Shot Herself |
Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew |
2014 |
Simone Battle |
Hanging |
The X-Factor |
2015 |
Anthony Riley |
Hanging |
The Voice |
2015 |
Sam Sarpong |
Jumped To Death |
Yo Mama |
2015 |
Mark Constantino |
Murder/Suicide |
Ghost Adventures |
2016 |
Alexa "Lex" McAllister |
Overdose |
The Bachelor |
2016 |
Ashley Sawyer |
Overdose |
Catfish |
2017 |
Clay Adler |
Shot Himself |
Newport Harbor/Real Orange County |
2017 |
Paulie Giganti |
Overdose |
Hell's Kitchen |
2017 |
Michael Nance |
"Unknown" |
The Bachelorette |
2017 |
Danny Dias |
Overdose |
Road Rules; The Challenge |
2017 |
Stevie Ryan |
Hanging |
Sex With Brody |
2017 |
Brad Bufanda |
Jumped off a Building |
Veronica Mars |
2017 |
Michael Mantenuto |
Shot Himself |
Disney Actor |
2018 |
James L.B. Bonner |
Overdose |
My 600-lb. Life |
2018 |
Sophie Gradon |
Overdose |
Love Island |
2018 |
Lyric McHenry |
"Unknown" |
EJNYC |
2019 |
Mike Thalassitis |
Hanging |
Love Island; Celebs Go Dating |
2019 |
Ashley Massaro |
Hanging |
WWE Divas; WWE Raw |
Anyone noticing a disturbing trend in TV lately? HEROES REBORN; FULLER HOUSE; COACH and, of course THE X-FILES. While I will admit to being excited about the last title (and that it is only 6 episodes long; 1 that was excellent, 3 that were great and 2 that were good), it is beginning to look as if the new Golden Age of TV is ending and we are heading into the Nostalgic Age of television. I just didn't read or hear anyone asking for a reboot of HEROES (its last season was anemic, to say the least, and the Ratings will bear me out; NOTE: It was cancelled by NBC once again.); what good is a FULL HOUSE reunion without the original iZOMBIEs, the Olsen twins (And I hated the sappy show to begin with. I wanted to run John Stamos, Bab Saget and Dave Coulier straight through with a Samurai sword) NOTE: FULLER HOUSE is getting scathing negative reviews yet Netflix was quick to renew it for a second season; and COACH? On what alternate universe did we ask for a reboot of that show? I enjoyed that show as much as someone running their fingernails across a chalk board (Happily, NBC decided to put this reboot on permanent hold, citing that old standby "creative differences"). While I am happy about THE X-FILES returning (mainly because I never missed an episode, even when it became conspiracy-centric and the July 3, 2015 cover of Entertainment Weekly had a secret message about the show on the cover which very few people noticed), they are doing it right, with a six episode "Event Series", but it is still a problem of an on-going trend. Well, now I am reading there will be reboots of XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS (Lucy Lawless looks bonable as ever, as she proved on SPARTACUS) NOTE: On August 21, 2017, NBC, the network that was going to reboot the series, announced the series is not moving forward following the recent departure of writer Javier Grillo-Marxuach. The network considers the project to be dead in its current iteration, although it remains possible that a new XENA revival could be developed down the road. Rob Tapert (the original co-creator of XENA) and Sam Raimi had been heading up the project for Ghost House Pictures in association with NBC International Television Studios.; There's a reboot of Steven Spielberg's 80's anthology series AMAZING STORIES by HANNIBAL showrunner Bryan Fuller in the works; THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR (I know Will Smith's career has gone down the crapper [but like a case of the clap, he keeps on surfacing in an Golden Globe® performance after making a half-dozen losers], but maybe his son Jaden [who is going through some major sexual identity issues] would be better. What's that you say? The Smith Family are not involved? Crap! I would have loved to see the entire Smith clan crash and burn! Wait! Now the Smith clan is involved, so we can see Willow whip her hair and Jaden act as stiff as a sequoia [That's if he decides he's a man and not a woman. He publicly stated there is no difference between mens and womens clothing, as he wears both. No matter what, he's a terrible actor.]? The only thing is that Will is not that "Fresh" anymore.); As a spit in the face to the late Pat Harrington Jr., Norman Lear announced a Latino Family "reimagining" (a.k.a. rip-off) of ONE DAY AT A TIME starring Rita Moreno and Justina Machado on Netflix. This news comes a mere 6 days after Harrington passed away. Anything for a buck; An ALF reboot (Hide your cats)?; FOX had ordered a series, a "soft reboot" of 24 (2001 - 2010, with a 12 episode "Event Series", 24: LIVE ANOTHER DAY, in 2014), titled 24: LEGACY. Kiefer Sutherland will not be a part of the cast (The lead will be an African American or Latino actor; in this case Corey Hawkins as "Eric Carter".), but he may appear in an episode since both series take place in the same "universe" (God, I am beginning to hate that word!). It will be a 2016 - 2017 mid-season series that will premiere in the coveted spot right after the Super Bowl on Sunday February 5, 2017 and then will air Mondays at 8:00pm EST. And what the fuck is a soft reboot? It was canceled by Fox, who are taking the women empowerment movent a little too far by creating a female-led 24 drama that is a female-led drama that but would be set in the realm of criminal justice.; The CW is looking to reboot their series CHARMED (1998 - 2006). It was shown on the same station back when it was known as The WB. Expect a different cast, since the actresses that played the sisters (Holly Marie Combs; Shannen Doherty, Alyssa Milano and then Rose McGowan when Doherty was mysteriously replaced and no reason was given) are a little too old for a CW series. Also, it takes place four decades before the original series.; Dick Wolf ("Every man protect your privates, here come another dick wolf!!!") has stated that a limited series based on the original LAW & ORDER is not out of the question. He is thinking about cherry-picking stars from the mothership series (As long as Sam Waterson is involved! Fred Dalton Thompson, Steven Hill and Dennis "We're Authorized" Farina have passed away.) and doing 10 to 13 episodes per season. (Love the idea, since so much has happened since they went off TV. "Ripped From The Headlines!" One of my saddest TV days is when I learned this series was not going to be renewed. It was one of those shows that you think would be on forever. I'm on board for this one! He already has a new series to join his other two Chicago-based series called CHICAGO MED, which will be part of the 2015 - 2016 TV Season [which opened with 12.8 million viewers on its first episode]; NOTE: The idea has been put on indefinite hold, but I hope they come to their senses soon and revive the series; meanwhile, Dick Wolf has proposed a series called CHICAGO JUSTICE [which should be interesting since Carl Weathers {COLONY - 2016 - Present} and Philip Winchester {late of THE PLAYER - 2015} are two of the stars; the episode is set to air May 11, 2016 as an episode of CHICAGO P.D., five days before NBC unveils its 2016 - 2017 program lineup and if the pilot gets good ratings numbers, look for my review in the 2016 - 2017 TV Season lineup. NOTE: On May 12, 2016 the series was picked up for the 2016 - 2017 Season, but cancelled after one season.] to go along with all his other Chicago-based series. I guess New York City has been over-exposed on TV). Instead, Dick Wolf has been asked by NBC to create a new series called LAW & ORDER TRUE CRIME, an anthology series based on true crimes. The first 8 episodes (to air during the 2017 - 2018 TV Season) will deal with the murderous Menendez brothers, Lyle and Erik, who were convicted of killing their parents and are serving life in prison. This was all brought about by the success of FX's 2016 true crime mini-series AMERICAN CRIME STORY: THE PEOPLE V. O.J. SIMPSON. CBS is also prepping its own true-life crime anthology series, with the first season focusing on the murder of JonBenét Ramsey, the 6-year-old beauty queen who was found murdered in her parents Colorado home in 1996. No title yet, but CBS is an old hand at this with their long-running true-crime series 48 HOURS (some of these episodes are mesmerizing and don't have a positive conclusion). NOTE: The four-hour doc on the Ramsey murder got terrific ratings and pointed the murderer to be her older brother. Expect the case to be put on the front burner again.; PRISON BREAK (Who actually asked for this? Inmates?), and didn't one of the main characters die in the finale? It will be a mid-season series during the 2016 - 2017 Season.; Netflix is rebooting LOST IN SPACE and it will have a 10 episode season sometime in 2018. Parker Posey will play Dr. Smith, the bumbling scientist played by Jonathan Harris in the original series. Toby Stephens and Molly Parker have already been cast in the lead roles of John and Maureen Robinson; THE A-TEAM, which was a popular NBC series in the 80's (the major distinction with this series was that there was plenty of action and stunts, but no one ever got killed) and a 2010 theatrical feature (full of great action and stunts, but also lots of deaths), is now being remade as a series by 20th Century Fox Television, with some gender-reversal roles. Network not available yet, but I would put my money on FOX; CBS has ordered a reboot pilot of the ABC 1985-1992 series MACGYVER, only this time the titular character (renamed "Angus McGyver", played by Lucas Till), who has become part of our speaking lexicon ("Can you MacGyver it until I get to a gas station?"), will be played by a 20-something without a mullet and work for the same clandestine operation as the original. CSI: turncoat George Eads will be part of the cast. James Wan, who was a huge fan of the original series, will direct the new pilot [the old pilot, directed by David Von Ancken, was scrapped] and now Till will portray Richard Dean Anderson's character when he was younger, making this series a prequel. Till will sport long hair, but it was trimmed from the scrapped pilot. There is also talk of a movie version. NOTE: It has been picked up for a series during the 2016 - 2017 season and given a full season order of episodes. It has also been renewed for a Second Season.; Another FRIDAY THE 13TH TV reboot (This one actually dealing with Jason Vorhees; You can thank MTV's SCREAM for this one); Movies making it as weekly series like LIMITLESS (Where Bradley Cooper will be making cameos. Hey, wasn't that 2011 film a flop? NOTE: The show has grown on me, even though taking pills to make you smarter is a bad precedent for children. It has since been cancelled after one season.); Tom Selleck will return as MAGNUM, P.I. (1980 - 1988) during the 2018-2019 TV Season, but no word if he will be leaving his Friday night hit series BLUE BLOODS (2010 - Present). Might as well do it since Selleck still has the looks, even 30 years later. The good news is that John Hillerman as Higgins, Roger E. Mosley as TC and Larry Minetti as Rick are all still alive. The Hawaiian climate must have been very good for their health, even if Hillerman is 85 years old! (Hillerman passed away a few days after I wrote this.).; TNT has commissioned a pilot to the film SNOWPIERCER (2013), which, if approved, will be turned into a series by the same studio that made David Duchovny's AQUARIUS; TNT also has greenlighted a new series version of TALES FROM THE CRYPT, which was first a 1972 anthology film, then an HBO series (1989 - 1996), which inspired three theatrical films in 1995, 1996 and 2002. They are asking the audience what episodes from the comics series they would like see come to life, a nice surprise for us old fogies who remember the original comic books. UPDATE: June 2, 2017: TNT has passed on the idea of reviving the series due to expensive rights issues.; CBS has ordered a pilot episode of TRAINING DAY (Just another day with a crooked cop, except with very little swearing. Hey, wait a minute. Wasn't this done a lot better, with copious swearing, on a little show called THE SHIELD?) Antoine Fuqua, who helmed the 2001 feature film, was supposed to direct the pilot, but pulled out. Danny Cannon will now direct the pilot, which takes place 15 years after the film. Bill Paxton (who passed away on February 26, 2017) will play the morally ambiguous detective. It has been ordered to series for the 2016 - 2017 Season, but after Paxton's death, will they find a way to make a Season Two? No, they are playing out the remaining 7 episodes on Saturday nights.; Speaking of Fuqua, the USA Network has ordered a series based on his 2006 film SHOOTER, with Ryan Phillippe subbing for Mark Wahlberg. It debuts during the Summer of 2016. NOTE: July 6, 2016: Actor Tom Sizemore injured stuntman Steve DeCastro when he backed up a SUV he was driving during a filmed scene, running over the stuntman, something he was not supposed to do. The crew had to use machinery to lift the SUV off of Mr. DeCastro and copter him to a hospital. A paramedic described his injuries as "moderate" and not life-threatening. "There were no broken bones just bumps and bruises," Makes you wonder if Sizemore still has a drug problem? UPDATE: October 28, 2016: Stuntman Steve DeCastro has filed a lawsuit against Sizemore, Viacom, Paramount and others for a host of claims including negligence, battery, assault and intentional infliction of emotional distress because Tom Sizemore was drunk when behind the wheel of the SUV that ran him over. The fact that the producers knew he was drunk offers DeCastro a heavy payday if the charges are true (Paramount refused to fire Sizemore and less than two weeks after the accident was arrested on suspicion of domestic violence). I hope Steve DeCastro takes Tom Sizemore to the cleaners. He's going to kill someone if he remains an active actor and was given more than enough chances to clean himself up. NOTE #2: The premiere of the series was moved from July 19, 2016 to July 26, 2016 in wake of the July 7, 2016 shooting deaths of five police officers in Dallas, Texas. Advance reviews for the series have been terrible, which is probably why USA didn't send me screeners. UPDATE #2: July 18, 2016: USA has moved the series to sometime in the Fall (November 15, 2016), in the wake of all the violence happening across the world. While I usually look down on actions like this (it makes TV Shows look responsible for real-life violence), I applaud USA for making a correct decision this time considering the series' plot. UPDATE #3: On December 19, 2016, USA announced that the series has been renewed for a Second Season. NOTE #4: July 18, 2017: Ryan Phillippe was hospitalized for a broken leg due to a freak accident away from set on the Second Season of the series. The injury is expected to force adjustments to the production schedule of the USA drama, but no delays. Phillippe broke his leg during a freak accident while having a family picnic! The Second Season will only be 8 episodes instead of 10.; The Sony-backed streaming channel Crackle has green-lit a series based on director Guy Ritchie's SNATCH (2000), starring and Executive Produced by ex-Harry Potter alumni Rupert Grint. I wonder if he is going to try to imitate the film's star, Brad Pitt, hard to understand fast-talking accent (the answer is no, since he will be playing a different part), which were the funniest parts of the film? Both Jason Statham and the late Dennis Farina also proved in the film that they could be funny, as well as Statham being a great action film fighter. Ed Westwick will also star in the series. The series, based on real-life events, premieres in March 2017.; Hulu has created a new streaming series based on the 1990 award-winning film THE HANDMAID'S TALE, which is more relevant today than when it was written by Margaret Atwood decades ago. The series will premiere April 26, 2017 (It was the 2017 Emmy Award® winner for Best Drama Series, Bruce Miller for Best Writing on a Drama Series, Reed Morano (a woman) for Outstanding Director of a Drama Series, Ann Dowd for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series, Alexis Bledel as guest Actress in a Drama Series, Julie Berghoff, Evan Webber & Sophie Neudorfer for Production Design on a Fantasy Series One Hour or Longer and Colin Watkinson for Cinematography for a single camera one hour program, the most awards for any streaming series.).; FOX is developing the 2001 Owen Wilson/Gene Hackman-starrer BEHIND ENEMY LINES into a pilot, which they hope will turn into a series. Previous attempts at writing a script have failed, although there were a series of unrelated DTV films. McG has signed on to direct the pilot, and will serve as an Executive Producer.; Netflix is in the early stages of developing a series based on the Shirley Jackson horror novel The Haunting of Hill House, which was already filmed as THE HAUNTING in 1963 and 1999.; BEVERLY HILLS COP (Eddie Murphy is said to be playing a semi-recurring character. Well, he does need the work. And Canada will substitute for Beverly Hills for financial reasons.) UPDATE: Now there are talks of making BEVERLY HILLS COP 4 as a theatrical release in which Murphy will star.; Spike has ordered a pilot based on Stephen King's THE MIST (2007) It lasted for 10 episodes and then was canceled.. FOX is rebooting James Cameron's TRUE LIES (1994) as a weekly TV series. Lifetime has already turned down a series based on the film CLAN OF THE CAVE BEAR (1986) from producers Ron Howard and Brian Grazer, so they are shopping it to other cable networks; URBAN COWBOY (Fucking URBAN COWBOY? The 1980 John Travolta fake bull-riding flick? Is that even a thing anymore? NOTE: FOX has canceled the series after looking at the pilot and is no longer interested in turning it into a series.); FOX has ordered a series reboot of the LETHAL WEAPON films which will be shown during the 2016 - 2017 Season on Wednesdays at 8:00pm; a new lead-in to EMPIRE (Martin Riggs will be played by Clayne Crawford and Roger Murtaugh will be played played by Damon Wayans, as they work a crime-ridden beat in modern-day Los Angeles.) NOTE: It has been renewed for a Second Season.; TNT has greenlit a pilot for the Swedish vampire novel LET THE RIGHT ONE IN by author John Ajvide Lindqvist. It has already been made as a superior 2008 Swedish film and a better than it has a right to be American/British remake, called LET ME IN (2010). NOTE: TNT has passed for unknown reasons before the pilot was filmed and the show is being shopped around.; THE NOTEBOOK (I hope it's a large notebook! Or a mini-iPad in case it's a flop.) is also in consideration for a series. Network unavailable, but it sounds like Lifetime material.; RED has been green-lighted as a series, loosly based on the Bruce Willis 2010 & 2013 films RED 1 & 2 (At least older actors will get jobs with this one. That is, if the Network [NBC] hasn't "retooled" it to fit a younger audience. Hey Network Executives: There are plenty of us over 50 who watch TV, too. Remember Ernie Borgnine in the first RED? I do [He explains what "RED" actually stands for: Retired Extremely Dangerous]. 95 years-old and he didn't look a day over 60! Since most of the stars of these films got their start on TV [Think about it], they should also star in this series. I'd gladly pay to see old people kick young people butt any day of the week!); NBC ordered a pilot of the 1999 film CRUEL INTENTIONS. Word is that Sarah Michelle Gellar will be reprising her role from that film and the pilot will ignore the two unrelated DTV sequels. It may go to series during the 2016 - 2017 Season. (NOTE: The highly-buzzed about reboot is dead at NBC. But the series may find life elsewhere. NOTE #2: December 24. 2016: The show has been officially called "dead" after the contracts for the actors have expired.); Jon Bernthal, who plays THE PUNISHER in the second season of Netflix's DAREDEVIL, will reprise the role in his own Netflix series in 2017. There have been three movies made about the character.; NBC has given A FEW GOOD MEN a spot on TV during the 2017 season, as a live event!. The special will be based on both the 1989 Broadway play and the 1992 film ("You can't handle the truth!"), which were both written by Aaron Sorkin. He will also be writing the teleplay for the live TV broadcast. I wonder how he will handle all the foul language? NOTE: Alec Baldwin will play the role Jack Nicholson did in the film.; CBS has given a pilot order to S.W.A.T., a drama series inspired by the 2003 Sony movie that was based on the 1975 TV series produced by Aaron Spelling and Leonard Goldberg. Shemar Moore, late of CRIMINAL MINDS will take the role of Daniel Hondo Harrelson (as well as Produce the pilot), the role first played by Steve Forrest in the original series and Samuel L. Jackson in the movie. Justin Lin (STAR TREK BEYOND - 2016) will direct the pilot.; UNCLE BUCK is being turned onto an all-black series on ABC (it was also a short-lived series in 1990) and this one is being burned off during the Summer of 2016 because it is simply awful. NOTE: On July 6, 2016 Uncle Buck was shown the door...again.; A series that is a prequel of Liam Neeson's TAKEN trilogy has been ordered by NBC, but the Neeson character (played by a much younger actor named Clive Standen, who bears an uncanny resemblance to a young Liam Neeson) will not be married and will not have a daughter. So what will make this different from any other action show on TV? Jennifer Beals has the female lead and it will be part of NBC's 2016 - 2017 Season. Low ratings are proving that there won't be a Second Season.; A&E has agreed to a series updating the OMEN (1976 - 1981) films to show us DAMIEN as an adult anti-Christ and what he is doing to destroy the world. It takes place 25 years after the first film. Wait a second, wasn't that all resolved in THE FINAL CONFLICT (1981)? (Debuts March 2016, ignoring the first film's last sequel; it got terrible ratings and reviews and probably will be cancelled); Walter Hill's cult film THE WARRIORS (1979) has been greenlit for a series on Hulu; CBS has ordered a series based on H.G. Wells' novel THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU, which has already been made into films in 1932, 1977 & 1996 (not to mention all the knock-offs like TERROR IS A MAN [1959] and THE TWILIGHT PEOPLE [1972]); NBC is developing a series based on the movie SINGLE WHITE FEMALE (1992). I wonder if a high-heel to the eye is going to be in it? And I also wonder if #BlackLivesMatter will protest it for the title alone, saying it is discriminatory?; Author Elmore Leonard's 1990 novel GET SHORTY, which was made into a movie in 1995 with John Travolta as Chili Palmer in 1995, has been ordered to series by obscure channel Epix. Chili Palmer will not be a character on the series. So let me get this straight: A novel about Chili Palmer is being made into a TV series, but without Chili Palmer? Is it just me, or does something smell wrong?(NOTE: On August 23, 2017, Epix renewed the series for a Second Season.); Sylvester Stallone reported that he will not be in any way, shape or form involved with FOX's RAMBO: NEW BLOOD retooling. I have only one thing to say to Sylvester Stallone: My respect for you has increased 100% and I hope you are nominated for an Academy Award® for CREED (Yes, he is that good and on January 10, 2016, he won a Golden Globe® for Best Supporting Actor. NOTE: He unfairly lost the Best Supporting Actor Oscar to unknown Mark Rylance because he was in a Spielberg film [He's been acting since 1985, but only has 25 credits!]. And it was one of Spielberg's weaker efforts [and a flop at the boxoffice, since it failed to make twice its $40 million budget in the U.S., where CREED made more than three times its $35 million budget in the U.S at the same time]. Frank Stallone called it "Total Hollywood Bullshit" and he's right. The Academy wouldn't give his brother an award because he is a popular franchise actor and most of his films make money. Nevermind that he was great in this film [Seriously, he's outstanding.]. The Academy is myopic and about as intelligent as an ant's balls. Also denying Michael B. Jordan as the titled character a nomination for Best Actor shows their racist atitudes. Jordan at least deserved to be nominated.); FOX also ordered a pilot based on the classic film THE EXORCIST (1973) proving nothing is sacred. Geena Davis will star and the pilot was written by Jeremy Slater and will be directed by Rupert Wyatt (NOTE: It was picked up as a series during the 2016 - 2017 Season and will be shown Friday nights at 9:00pm; It takes place 40 years after the film and includes occasional use of the Mike Oldfield composition Tubular Bells. NOTE #2: It is one of FOX's lowest rated series and probably will be cancelled after the first 10-episode season, but Executive Producer Jeremy Slater [who is leaving the series] asked viewers to push FOX for a Second Season via Twitter and other social media sites and by watching the series. With an audience about 2 million viewers per episode, it is unlikely FOX will renew it. NOTE #3: By the power of Satan, it was miraculously renewed for a Second Season!); The 1974 Pam Grier blaxploitation hit FOXY BROWN is being turned into a series by streaming service Hulu. Pam Grier (who still looks great) is being replaced by Meagan Good in the title role.; RUSH HOUR has been given the OK to become a series for CBS (It debuted on Thursday March 31, 2016 on Thursdays at 10:00pm. I watched the first episode and can't get the stench of badness out of my nose. They moved ELEMENTARY to Sundays at 10:00pm [where it hardly starts on time] for this piece of crap? CBS must know it is a loser, because they have released zero print advertisements [I had to get mine from the IMDb web site]) and then moved it to the death time slot of Saturdays at 9:00pm, a dumping ground for cancelled series. Don't look for this to be renewed for a Season 2.; TNT announces a series called ANIMAL KINGDOM starring Shaun Hatosy and Ellen Barkin as the grandmother (which has the same exact plot of the wonderful 2010 Australian film ANIMAL KINGDOM, but doesn't get one mention in the article!; it premieres on June 14, 2016 with a two hour premiere episode). NOTE: July 6, 2016: It has already been renewed for a second season and Ms. Barkin is one mean motherf****r.; Kevin Bacon has agreed to star in a TV Series based on TREMORS (1989). This will be the second TV Series based on the film.; The 1999 Tim Allen/Sigourney Weaver sci-fi comedy flick GALAXY QUEST will become a Netflix series (NOTE: It was put on indefinite hold due to the death of Alan Rickman. Now that is paying respect!); MINORITY REPORT is now going to be a Fox series (already cancelled after 10 episodes); WESTWORLD is going to be an HBO series (January 17, 2016: Production has been temporarily shut down for two months so executive producers Jonathan Nolan and Lisa Joy can catch up on the final four scripts. HBO has said it will still have a 2016 premiere, but gave no date. July 30, 2016: HBO announced the series will be shown beginning Sunday, October, 2, 2016 at 9:00pm, where it is getting great reviews and ratings.). NOTE: It has been renewed for a Second Season.; THE EVIL DEAD will become a 30-minute series on the Starz Network under the title ASH VS. THE EVIL DEAD (It was already renewed for a second season before the first episode was even aired! But this is a show I want to watch! NOTE: Season 1 is officially over and it was a blast and gory as hell. Look for my review of the series in the 2015 - 2016 TV Season section on this page. NOTE #2: Season 2 is even more wild and relies little on CGI this season and more practical [and super gory] special effects. It was already picked up for a Third Season and for good reason. This show rocks!.); Netflix is developing a series based on THE PUNISHER after seeing Jon Bernthal's performance of the character in the second season of DAREDEVIL, which I named best series of the 2014 - 2015 TV Season. There have been three PUNISHER movies, but I prefer the Dolph Lundgren one from 1989. I just wish they would release an unedited version of it; The CW announced that they are making a series based on the 2000 Dennis Quaid film FREQUENCY, only this time a female detective is able to contact her dead detective father (Riley Smith) by ham radio and help her solve crimes! I hope they are cold cases! NOTE: The first season of the show failed to get the back nine episode order, so the show may be cancelled after 13 episodes, but the CW is reserving saying so until they see how the mid-season shows are doing in the ratings. See my review of the series in the 2016 - 2017 TV Season reviews.; ABC has greenlighted a series based on the excellent 1979 time travel thriller TIME AFTER TIME (Which will become a series during the 2016 - 2017 Season; Meanwhile, NBC has their own time travel series during the 2016 - 2017 Season called TIMELESS which will air Mondays at 10:00pm. I love time travel movies and TV series, so only time [ahem] will tell how I feel about these two. UPDATE: TIME AFTER TIME has been cancelled after only 5 episodes airing.).; TV Land has announced a reboot series based on the 1988 cult film HEATHERS. Original star Shannen Doherty confirmed that shell appear in the new series, proving once again that nothing is sacred. If picked up for multiple seasons, the new anthology series is expected to feature a different group of Heathers in each outing. (NOTE: TV Land has greenlit a TV series reboot of the cult film. I wonder how they will handle the ending of the movie? Why, they will ignore that and turn it into an anthology series. Another worthless "reboot" in search of original ideas.); Showtime is turning Paul Schrader's 1980 movie AMERICAN GIGOLO into a series. Schrader has said that even though he gets paid, it is so he not be involved in the series (Scrader is said to be difficult to work with).; The CW has jumped at the chance for a TV Series based on the film THE LOST BOYS (1987) since their popular VAMPIRE DIARIES ends in the 2016 - 2017 TV Season. Word is the the new series is slated to run seven seasons, with each season taking up a decade of time. Sounds interesting, but I'll reserve my opinion when I actually view the first episode, which should start in the 2017 - 2018 TV Season. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not against any of this. It just seems like it is happening much faster than normal. Which makes me wonder: Is there going to be any original programming on TV, including streaming and pay cable? I remember when watching TV every night was a pleasure (especially in the 70's, but I'm dating myself). Now it is becoming more like a job. We already have a job. Do we actually want another one? I have to watch these programs, but you do not have to. The things I do for my readers! Wait for the 2015 - 2016 TV reviews and see how many new shows aren't superhero oriented. Superheroes and remakes. That is what TV is coming to. Why take a show like CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESITGATION off the air to make space for a low-rated show called SUPERGIRL? (Which will be moving to The CW for its Second Season). CBS was the only holdout with superhero shows, rather skewering to audiences my age, but even they have now gone to the dark side after years of excellent crime and scientific procedural shows (Remember COLD CASE? [How many times did that show make you cry? Be a man/woman and confess!] Or WITHOUT A TRACE? Remember NUMB3RS? How about THE MENTALIST?). The CW is full of superheroes, I gave up watching the Disney-owned ABC because they would find sneaky ways of inserting promos of their superhero films (even using dialogue in their network shows) and I quit watching HAWAII FIVE-O on CBS because of their obvious Subway ad disguised as a conversation (It was so blatant, it was shameful) and their "special appearances" by "Dog The Bounty Hunter and Beth" who get to act more violent in this show than they did their own, even calling their prey "scumbags". Yes, we may be in the Golden Age of Television now, but there are quite a few series that sink to the depths of sewers to go along with it (Some channels even go as far as to digitally insert products into their series. Depending on your location or demographics, you may see a can of Coke or Pepsi digitally inserted on a table, among other products. There is no length advertisers will go to to sell their products. In 1981, LOOKER was science fiction. Now it is science fact.). And let's not forget that many internet sites are full of ads. If a home page takes more than 30 seconds to load (mine takes about 5 seconds because I refuse to accept ads) or if an ad pops up full page while I am reading a story, those sites are deleted from my Favorites List. Thank God for streaming services picking up the quality shows (you know, the great shows that nobody watches, except me and a few million other people) and rescuing them from oblivion. I'm not the biggest fan of streaming, but I'll take my favorite shows (like LONGMIRE) any way I can get them. If this is the new way of advertising (and I see it happen all the time on cable shows, too [and even on some pay channels, which is unforgivable and I have quit subscribing to them].), I may just quit watching TV shows and wait for them to arrive on disc. How much do you want to bet that commercials start turning up on DVD and Blu-Rays? (They did on VHS tapes in the waning days of the product). They already turn up in theaters and on streaming channels like Crackle and Hulu (You can pay monthly fees for both streaming channels to get the programs with no commercials or ads). Maybe if no one watches TV, advertizers will get the hint (For Christ's sake, I saw five commercial breaks on Spike for every half hour episode of COPS!). But my guess is that they will come up with a new way to advertize, even if it means jacking into our own brains. Believe me, IDIOCRACY (2006) is not far behind. I could grab my TV remote right now and go through all the non-pay channels. About 80% of them will be showing commercials. That not only makes me mad, it makes me sad. When a 90 minute film takes up 150 minutes to be shown on regular TV, you do the math and tell me that advertisers are not taking over TV. And 99.9% of the time, the film is edited due to "time restraints, language and violence"! Maybe that is why streaming is becoming more and more popular. But don't get too cozy. The advertizers are on your tail trying to figure out how to intrude on your privacy. There really is no escape unless the FCC clamps down on how many commercials could be shown per hour. When I was a kid, it wasn't unusual for an hour program to run 52 to 54 minutes (for proof, look at the running times of the original THE OUTER LIMITS). Now an hour program runs 42 to 44 minutes. That's ten extra minutes of commercials! I can't even watch a rerun of THE OUTER LIMITS on SyFy because there's at least 11 minutes of the show missing! Syndication Rights reruns allow for an extra 2 minutes of editing per half hour [see what you can find missing on reruns of THE SIMPSONS in syndication) and 4 minutes of editing per hour and I have noticed it on shows as recent as LAW & ORDER: SVU on the USA Network. Maybe that is why people are turning to streaming to watch reruns. They don't have to follow the FCC (for now). Now you can get SEINFELD unedited on Hulu [they paid $150 million for exclusive streaming rights] with limited commercials or no commercials (it depends on what plan you pick, but each option gives you the full episode as it was originally shown on NBC). Hulu has also picked up exclusive streaming rights for over 300 episodes of the original CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION, uncut and unedited. You will never see that on TV because it is all about the ad dollars. The only problem I have with streaming is that internet speeds haven't caught up with high definition, so HD shows and movies are very compressed, so stick with standard definition until the internet speeds improve. That will happen in less than a year, but expect to pay a lot for the privilege. FIOS already offers a super high speed internet, but it costs an extra $100 per month and that doesn't include tv or phone service! Plus their service sucks. My service, Optimum Online, offers 4 tiers of internet speeds, with their 101 Service the highest speed. It is quicker than FIOS and costs an extra $55 monthly, modem and all extra equipment included. Since I live alone, the basic internet service is all I need and I never have any lag time on my Roku 3 streaming player. Plus Optimum's service and support is second to none. As long as I can watch streaming on my 60" plasma TV, I'm happy because I can't stand watching movies or TV on my computer, even though it has a 24" widescreen LCD screen. The farthest I go on computers is YouTube clips. And, yes, I'm an old fogie.
Director Rob Zombie has announced that his upcoming horror film 31 has been given the dreaded NC-17 rating not once but twice by the MPAA! Zombie, who took to Facebook with the news, is attempting to edit it a third time to go for an R-rating, although hes none too pleased about it. Well, after two tries through the MPAA our rating on 31 remains NC-17, Zombie explained. Maybe three is the charm to get an R rating. Why R you ask? Well, because your local theater will not show an NC-17. Even though you are a fucking adult... things [must] be censored for your enjoyment. The MPAA rated 31 NC-17 for sadistic graphic violence, bizarre sexuality/nudity, pervasive disturbing images and some strong language. Yup, sounds like a Rob Zombie film! In 31, which will have its World Premiere at the Sundance Film Festival In January 2016, Five friends are kidnapped on the day before Halloween and are held hostage in a terrifying place named Murder World. While trapped, they must play a violent game called 31, in which the mission is to survive 12 hours against a gang of evil clowns. The Halloween-themed slasher stars Sheri Moon Zombie, Malcolm McDowell, Richard Brake, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, Jeff Daniel Phillips, and even Meg Foster. (Yet, if this film were to have been submitted by a huge major film company, it would have had no trouble receiving an R-Rating on its first try. The MPAA shows its double standard once again. And won't it be great to see Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs on the big screen again? The film also stars Tracey Walter, Lew Temple [his third Zombie film], Daniel Roebuck, Judy Geeson, Ginger Lynn and Elizabeth Daily. As usual, Rob Zombie packs his films with stars we haven't seen for a while. I will see this in a theater [if it goes that route and not the limited theater/VOD round] and hopefully the Blu-Ray & DVD will be the full uncensored version. The MPAA has nothing to do with disc releases. Zombie has stated publicly that this is his most brutal film ever, so I must see it uncensored! - Editor UPDATE: Unfortunately, both the DVD and Blu-Ray are of the R-Rated cut, but it is still extremely violent.)
According to The Hollywood Reporter: New York's Ziegfeld Theatre screened its final movie Thursday night, January 28, 2016. The iconic Midtown movie theater bowed out with a 10 p.m. showing of STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS. On the Ziegfeld website, last-minute tickets were available leading up to the 3D showing, but any requests for future dates prompted a message, saying, "Online ticket purchase is no longer available." New Yorkers took to Twitter on Thursday to document the long lines and "packed house" as they prepared to see the J.J. Abrams film and say goodbye to the Manhattan staple, which will be transformed into a high-end event space. The Ziegfeld, which opened in 1969, is the largest cinema in the city, with some 1,131 seats, and is the favorite venue for glitzy Hollywood studio premieres. The studios have been preparing for the theaters closure for months, even if they arent happy about it. (More and more premieres are being held in Manhattan with the return of NBC's The Tonight Show back to New York.) Studios have begun holding premieres at the ACM multiplex in Lincoln Square, as well as at the ACM Empire in Midtown. The theater at MOMA is another alternative. Its possible the studios will be able to stage premieres at the Ziegfeld once it reopens in 2017 as an events space called the Ziegfeld Ballroom. (I spent many a night at The Ziegfeld during the 70's & 80's. It's a shame one of NYC's iconic film landmarks is closing. Many good memories there. Many. - Editor)
January 6, 2016: NCIS favorite