THE
AFTERMATH (1978) -
Three astronauts returning to Earth after a long mission don't know
that, while they were away, our planet has gone through a nuclear
holocaust. Unable to get a response from Mission Control, they are
forced to dump thier ship in the Pacific
Ocean (near Los Angeles) and only two of them survive: Newman
(director/producer/screenwriter/editor/nose wiper Steve Barkett) and
Williams (special effects technician Jim Danforth). As they are
walking along the beach, they see the dessicated bodies of sunbathers
still in their beach chairs, which gives them their first glimpse
that something cataclysmic has happened. When they camp out that
night, they are attacked by deformed mutants, but fight them off.
This gives them their second glimpse that something very, very wrong
occurred. The next morning, they discover that Los Angeles is nothing
but a burned-out shell and they go to the nearest Civil Defense
station where Newman listens to a recording by a dead broadcaster
(voice supplied by Dick Miller) which tells Newman the story of the
apocalypse and how he is glad he has died before "they"
could get to him. Newman and Williams set up home base in an
abandoned mansion, where they set up a broadcast station looking for
survivors. Newman leaves the mansion with a Jeep and a rifle to look
for his wife and kids (apparently, as luck would have it, they lived
in Los Angeles). He drives through L.A. looking for his family and
must deal with radioactive acid rain, having nightmares about his
family turning into mutants, meeting a dying museum curator (an
extended cameo by Forrest J. Ackerman) who gives him a brief history
of what he missed while he was away in space and saddles him with a
little boy named Chris (Barkett's real-life son Christopher Barkett).
Newman and Chris have a run in with a roving band of pillagers and
rapists, led by Cutter (the always dependable Sid Haig), the
"they" that the dead broadcaster warned about. Newman and
Chris save a young woman named Sarah (Lynne Margulies, who has
nipples that could cut glass) from a mutant attack (she recently
escaped from Cutter's camp after he tried to rape her). Newman brings
them back to the mansion, where they become a surrogate family and
live
a
life of love and happiness (along with teaching Chris how to shoot a
pistol). Newman, Williams, Sarah and Chris raid Cutter's compound to
rescue some captives that Sarah knew, which leads Cutter to retaliate
with a raid on the mansion where he kills everyone except for Newman,
Williams and Chris. This leads to a bloody showdown in which only one
person will be left alive. Surprisingly (at least for me),
there are moments of extreme gore on view here, as can be witnessed
early on when Cutter and his gang graphically shoot some men they
have captured, ending with one old guy getting his head blown off
with a shotgun. The film pulls no punches when it comes to the
violence. Kids are shot and killed, women are graphically raped,
people are stabbed in the eye, blown up, set on fire and hit with
lots of bloody bullet squibs. It's kind of disorienting, because the
film also tries to be a loving family drama that is sometimes too
preachy for it's own good. The main problem with the film is that
it's much too ambitious for it's budget. One man auteur Steve Barkett (EMPIRE
OF THE
DARK
- 1991) tries to cram too many ideas and ineffective special effects
into a film that must have cost less than most A-list films catering
budgets. He does get some help from effects experts Robert Skotak and
his brothers (who also play bit parts in the film), but most of the
effects are unconvincing, especially the matte painting of a
nuked-out Los Angeles. Another problem is that Barkett's screenplay
is all over the place. Newman first sets out to look for his family,
but quickly abandons his search once he picks up Chris and Sarah. It
then turns into a family drama and then a revenge plot as Newman gets
even with all those responsible for killing his new friends (and
lover). Still, THE AFTERMATH
is an interesting misfire. If you can get past some of the hokey
effects (most are in the first few minutes) and some of the sugary
sweet sentimentality, you may find yourself liking it. One gets the
feeling when watching this that a bunch of movie fans got together
and decided to make a film. Everyone seems to have worked both in
front and behind the cameras on this. Even Eric Caidin, one of the
biggest collectors of movie memorabilia, has a role in this (as the
body of the dead broadcaster). Ted V. Mikels (THE
ASTRO ZOMBIES
- 1968; THE CORPSE GRINDERS
- 1971) was co-producer. I also bet he directed a lot of this. It has
his handiwork written all over it. Barkett would later go on to star
in Steve Latshaw's DARK
UNIVERSE
(1993). Also starring Alfie Martin, Linda Stiegler, Vincent Barbi and
Laura Anne Barkett. A Prism
Entertainment Release. Also released on VHS & DVD-R by VCI
Entertainment. Not Rated.
AFTERSHOCK
(1989) - Low-budget post-apocalypse actioner from director Frank
Harris (KILLPOINT -
1984; LOW BLOW -
1986; THE PATRIOT
- 1986) that has a good B-movie cast, but the storyline is nothing
but rehashed themes from countless other post-nuke epics. The
worldwide devastation is not caused by nuclear war, biological
warfare or another man-made disaster this time, but by a series of
off-the-Richter Scale earthquakes, which have reduced the Earth to
nothing but a pile of rubble (most of this film looks to have been
filmed in some abandoned industrial park). The world is now ruled by
an oppressive dictatorship led by Commander Eastern (Richard Lynch),
who has his second-in-command, Captain Quinn (John Saxon), and his
army search out and kill "unregistered humans" from their
hiding places (Nearly all humans have an identifying barcode tattooed
on their arms and this film doesn't hide the comparison to Jews
during the Nazi occupation in WW II). During one of these raids, a
female alien named Sabina (Elizabeth Kaitan) appears in a burst of
light and is captured by Quinn's army. When
Quinn notices that Sabina has no barcode and her bright red outfit
is made out of some unknown metal, he becomes intrigued, especially
when he discovers that she is carrying some photos and patches with
her (one photo is of Nancy Reagan!). It seems Sabina is a blank
slate, but she is a very quick learner (She learns English by reading
a dictionary/thesaurus on a 5.25" floppy disk!) and becomes more
knowledgeable when Quinn sends her to a laboratory to be observed and
get a psych work-up. Meanwhile, sword-carrying and motorcycle-riding
loner Willie (Jay Roberts Jr.) travels the barren landscape looking
for a cause he can believe in. He stops at a bar run by Hank Franklin
(Russ Tamblyn) and is arrested by Quinn's right-hand man Mr. James
(James Lew, also the Stunt Coordinator) when he tries to defend an
underground female freedom fighter. He is brought to the same
facility where Sabina is being held and, after a series of events, he
escapes with Sabina and fellow prisoner Danny Girrard (Chuck
Jeffries, doing his best Eddie Murphy impression). They steal a car
and end up at the underground base of freedom fighter leader Colonel
Slater (Christopher Mitchum), who has a history with Willie.
Commander Eastern orders Quinn to bring back Sabina no matter what
the cost because the tests they performed on her in the lab proves
that she is an alien (and a newborn one to boot!), so Quinn hires
top-notch "Apprehender" Brandt (Chris DeRose) to bring her
back alive and kill everyone else. This leads to a series of chases,
fights and shootouts, as Willie tries to protect Sabina while falling
in love with her (Ewwww! He's falling in love with an alien baby!).
Willie must return Sabina to her original entry point before time
runs out or else she will die. The remainder of the film details
Willie's efforts to get Sabina off the planet so she can stop the
Earth from being destroyed. From what I just witnessed, our planet is
better off without us. There's not much to recommend here
except watching a bunch of talented actors trying to keep a straight
face while spouting groan-inducing dialogue. The screenplay, by
Michael Standing (who also gives himself the role of Gruber, Colonel
Slater's right-hand man), is nothing but a mishmash of post-nuke
clichés, most of them done much better in the Italian
post-apocalypse rip-offs of the early-to-mid-80's (The only funny bit
comes when Quinn tells Brandt that Willie's barcode scanned as a
"can of Chinese mushrooms manufactured in Taiwan in the year
1987. Obviously a mistake."). The action scenes, including the
car chases, fight scenes and gun battles, are strictly second-rate
and the violence is rather subdued for an R-rated flick (Not to
mention that Ms. Kaitan has no nude scenes). Director Frank Harris
takes a lazy approach to nearly every aspect of this film, which may
be why he gave up directing and is mainly a cinematographer now (he
photographed the reprehensibly bad TRANSFORMED
in 2003). AFTERSHOCK is the
equivalent of eating a bad Chinese meal. Not only will you be hungry
again one hour later, you'll still have an awful taste in your mouth
that just won't seem to go away (Maybe it's from that can of Chinese
mushrooms from 1987!). Michael Berryman and Matthais Hues put in
extended cameos as two muscle-headed idiots named Queen and Cassidy
who kidnap Sabina towards the end of the film. Berryman wears bright
red lipstick and, at one point, dons a bright red wig, which makes
him looks like a freakish drag queen. Originally available on VHS
from Prism Entertainment/Paramount
Home Video and available on a no-frills fullscreen DVD from Image
Entertainment. Rated R.
AFTER
THE FALL OF NEW YORK (1983) -
This is one of the few Italian post-nuke films to actually get a
theatrical release in the States and is one of the better ones. In
2019, after a nuclear war, the entire Earth is a burned-out wasteland
where there hasn't been a human birth for over twenty years. The
Earth is controlled by two factions: The iron-fisted European-African
Conference (Eurac) and the much more malevolent Pan American
Confederacy (PAC). Eurac, which controls New York, is in the middle
of performing an ethnic cleansing, killing all those infected with
radiation or deformed in any way. Enter Parsifal (Michael Sopkiw), a
loner and part-time bounty hunter who makes money on the side by
participating in deadly car races. While in Nevada, he is knocked-out
and brought to PAC's headquarters in Alaska, where PAC's president
(Edmund Purdom) informs him that the last fertile woman is in New
York City and he wants Parsifal to find her and
bring her back to headquarters, his reward being a seat on a rocket
to the Alpha Centauri galaxy, where a habitable planet awaits to
start the human race over again. He joins forces with Bronx (Vincent
Scalondro) and Ratchet (Roman Geer), two PAC soldiers, and begins
their search in the bowels of NYC, where they must fight and kill a
series of increasingly difficult undesirables and degenerates, not to
mention some hungry sewer rats. The trio meet a group of people (who
dine on rats), led by Rat Eater King (post-nuke regular Al
Yamanouchi), and are taken prisoner. When Eurac soldiers invade the
camp, they take Parsifal and Bronx (Ratchet avoids capture), along
with Rat Eater girl Giara (Valentine Monnier), back to headquarters
for torture and experimentation. When they finally escape from Eurac
headquarters (with Ratchet's help), Bronx is killed and they travel
through the sewers with the help of a tribe of dwarves, led by Shorty
(Louis Ecclesia). Shorty leads them to the fertile woman, who is the
daughter of a scientist who has kept her in a state of suspended
animation since before the bombs were dropped. They must use an
ancient station wagon (upgraded with some added armor) to travel
through a heavily protected Lincoln Tunnel to escape to safety, but a
deception within the group (one of them is a cyborg) may bring the
whole mission to a screaming halt. Director Sergio Martino
(using his "Martin Dolman" pseudonym), who also made the
futuristic HANDS OF STEEL (1986)
as well as the giallo TORSO
(1973) and the self-explanatory SLAVE
(MOUNTAIN;
PRISONER) OF THE CANNIBAL GOD (1978), keeps the action
moving non-stop and throws in a lot of bloody carnage, too. People
have their eyes poked out (and have a new pair inserted into the
empty sockets!), their stomachs slit open, shot, stabbed, impaled,
you name it and it's here. George Eastman (THE
GRIM REAPER - 1980) makes a welcome appearance in the final
third of the film as Big Ape, the leader of a neanderthal-like tribe,
who believes he's the last fertile man in the world (he's quite funny
at times). Eastman also displays an intimate and memorable attachment
to the sleeping beauty as he offers himself up for sacrifice for the
sake of the future, but not before leaving the future a surprise they
will not likely ever forget. Michael Sopkiw (MASSACRE
IN DINOSAUR VALLEY - 1985) is a pretty one-note actor but
makes a serviceable action hero, fighting and shooting his way
through numerous encounters. The sequence where the motley group must
drive through the booby-trapped Lincoln Tunnel may remind you a
little of ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK
(1981), but it stands out as an exciting action sequence anyway. So,
if you like films that depict the future as a dark, desolate
landscape with very little hope for redemption, this film should be
right up your alley. This is pretty grim shit. A Vestron
Video VHS Release. Also available on DVD from Shriek
Show under the title 2019
- AFTER THE FALL OF NEW YORK.
While the theatrical and Vestron releases are Rated R, the
DVD restores excised footage and is Unrated. Also available on Blu-Ray
from Code Red.
ALIEN
FROM THE DEEP (1989) - Two
Greenpeace members, Lee (Robert Marius; FIST
OF GLORY - 1991) and Jane (Julia McCay), sneak onto an
island with an active volcano to get video evidence that chemical
company E-Chem is polluting the environment. The natives on the
island (some who wear sneakers!) are performing an ancient ritual to
protect them from a "devil" in the volcano, while E-Chem,
led by Colonel Kovacks (Charles Napier; DEEP
SPACE - 1987), keeps dumping radioactive waste into the
center of the volcano. Colonel Kovacks ignores the warnings of his
own lead scientist, Dr. Geoffrey (Luciano Pigozzi, as "Alan
Collins"; ARK OF THE SUN GOD
- 1983), that the continued dumping of radioactive waste will cause
the volcano to erupt, spewing radioactive particles into the
atmosphere, but Kovacks is more interested in saving a few bucks than
protecting the environment. Lee and Jane manage to sneak into the
E-Chem compound and videotape the illegal dumping operation, but they
are spotted
by security. Lee hides the tape before he is captured, while Jane
sneaks onto a helicopter and escapes, jumping out of the copter when
it hovers over a waterfall (an obvious dummy is thrown out of the
helicopter). Jane is chased through the jungle by machine gun-toting
guards, but she is saved by Bob (Daniel Bosch), a shotgun-carrying
snake hunter. Bob tricks the guards into following him and Jane into
a cave, where the guards are bitten by cobras and die. Bob brings
Jane to his base camp (a converted, hollowed-out school bus) and
introduces her to his collection of snakes, including his pet cobra,
Blossom (When Jane misinterprets Bob's motives, she screams at him,
"Don't touch me, you snake squeezer!", but ends up screwing
him anyway). As Jane and Bob formulate a plan to save Lee, Col.
Kovacks and his crew have a new problem: The appearance of a UFO and
it's alien occupant, which lands in the ocean next to the E-Chem
plant. The alien (which has giant black crab claws) moves underground
as it heads to the E-Chem plant, occasionally popping-up to the
surface to kill or infect anyone it touches, including a rescued Lee,
who commits suicide by jumping off a cliff once he becomes infected
and starts to decompose. It's not long before everyone is fighting
for their lives, as the alien attacks E-Chem, leaving only Jane and
Bob to survive and try to defeat the extraterrestrial menace. Why did
the alien come to this island? I'm afraid we will never know.
This is dopey hybrid of action adventure and sci-fi genres, not
helped much by the slow pacing and idiotic dubbed dialogue (Typical
dialogue between the helicopter and ground crew: Helicopter:
"You hear me dumbbell?" Ground: "Yeah, I hear
you, fat shit!"). Director Antonio
Margheriti (NAKED YOU DIE
- 1968; SEVEN DEATHS IN
THE CAT'S EYE - 1973; CANNIBAL
APOCALYPSE - 1980), using his frequent "Anthony M.
Dawson" pseudonym, offers a few scenes of extreme gore (faces
melted by the alien and other bloody claw violence) and some nice (if
obvious) miniature work (by Margheriti), but Tito Carpi's (TIGER
JOE - 1982; BRONX
WARRIORS 2 - 1983) lazy script is nothing but one
cliché after another and the film on the whole doesn't make
any sense at all. Major plot points are simply dropped to advance the
film and the silly alien (A giant claw? Really?), who we finally see
in all it's giant glory in the finale (it's a life-sized mechanical
puppet that looks like something H.R. Giger would create if given
$3.00), really makes this a slog to sit through. Charles Napier (who
seems to be the only one in the cast to dub his own voice) is wasted
here in his role as a one-note villain. This lackluster cross between RAIDERS
OF THE LOST ARK (1981) and ALIEN
(1979) goes nowhere fast and will have you pressing the Fast Forward
button on your remote after the first ten minutes. Now, I would never
do that (I have to watch films in their entirety for the sake of
fairness), but I wouldn't blame anyone else if they did because this
isn't one of Margheriti's better films. Also starring Robert
Dell'Acqua, David Brass and Kenneth Peerless. Never legitimately
available on home video in the U.S. in any format, you can easily
find a copy on eBay or from many
gray market sellers. Margheriti's next film would be the jungle
actioner INDIO (1989) Not Rated.
ALIEN
RAIDERS (2008) - Good sci-fi
action flick. A squad of hooded crooks invades the Hastings
Supermarket in Buck Lake, Arizona just as it is closing, but after a
very short period of time, it becomes obvious that these people may
not be crooks at all and they're certainly not after money. Spooky
(Philip Newby), a member of the gang who has extrasensory powers,
begins scanning all the remaining people in the supermarket (by
grabbing their heads in his hands), saying either "They are
one" or "No, they aren't one" and those that "are
one" quickly get a bullet in their brain and their bodies thrown
in the market's freezer. Before Spooky can scan everyone, he is shot
dead by a customer that happens to be a cop, forcing Ritter (Carlos
Bernard - TV's 24), the head of
the squad, to improvise. As the local police surround the
supermarket, Ritter releases all the hostages that passed Spooky's
scan, writes "Stay Back" on the front window in the blood
of a dead victim and tries to come
up with a plan of action to find out if the rest of the hostages are
"one of them" or not. Transplanted Chicago cop Seth
Steadman (Matthew St. Patrick - SIX
FEET UNDER [2001 - 2005]), whose stepdaughter Whitney
(Samantha Streets) is one of the hostages, tries to figure out why a
highly-trained military group picked this place to rob, while Ritter
and female medical officer Sterling (Courtney Ford) make all the
hostages drink large quantities of milk (to change their pH level)
before performing a "snip test" on them (which involves
cutting off one of their pinkies!). As the film progresses, it also
becomes obvious that some of these hostages are infected with an
alien organism that crash-landed in a meteor in Buck Lake; an alien
organism so deadly, the Earth is doomed unless Ritter and his squad
can stop the infection from spreading. Some stupid heroics by the
hostages leads to the infection spreading, but the arrival of
drug-addled Charlotte (Bonita Friedericy), a former member of
Ritter's squad who has the same powers as Spooky, may be a solution
to the problem, but she wants massive amount of drugs first before
she will help. Meanwhile, Ritter begins losing members of his squad
to a "King", the strongest member of the alien species.
Seth begins to uncover the truth, while Whitney and stock boy Benny
(Jeff Licon) join forces with Ritter and Sterling to hunt down and
kill the King. Just when it seem that they've achieved their
objectives (but not without more deaths), the surprise ending reveals
that the King is still alive, baby, and ready to appear in a
sequel. This is a tense, well-acted horror/action film that
doesn't immediately play all it's cards like most modern genre films
do. It builds slowly, but not boringly, offering the audience kernels
of knowledge as the film progresses. We know almost immediately that
the market "robbery" is not a robbery at all (it's more of
a cleansing), but director Ben Rock (who, before this, directed the
fake documentaries THE
BURKITTSVILLE 7 [2000] and SHADOW
OF THE BLAIR WITCH [2000] for Daniel Myrick, co-director of THE
BLAIR WITCH PROJECT [1999] and one of the Producers here)
wrings a fair amount of suspense out of what is basically a one
location shoot. Screenwriters David Simkins (writer and producer of
the cult TV series THE
ADVENTURES OF BRISCO COUNTY JR. [1993]) and Julia Fair
(Myrick's BELIEVERS
- 2007) were definitely influenced by John Carpenter's version of THE
THING (1982), but they manage to put a few new spins on the
"Are they or aren't they?" scenario. We are purposely given
very little information on the aliens, except they are deathly afraid
of the cold, have visited this planet on more than one occasion and
are known about by the government, yet they offer no help to Ritter
and his crew when they desperately need it. For a film that spans so
many genres (action, horror, sci-fi, hostage drama), ALIEN
RAIDERS does a damn good job of combining them all into a
satisfying whole. Worth your time. Also starring Rockmond Dunbar,
Bryan Krasner, Tom Kiesche, Joel McCrary, Derek Basco and Keith
Hudson. A Warner Home Video
DVD Release. Rated R.
ALIEN
SPECIES (1997) -
An alien race has invaded Earth and begins getting all INDEPENDENCE
DAY (1996) on our ass (but on a much smaller scale). A small
town sheriff (Charles Napier) must defend his town from the marauding
aliens when he sends his two deputies off to escort two dangerous
criminals to state prison. The deputies run into trouble when they
stop to pick up accident victims Professor Chambers (Hoke Howell) and
his two female companions. The police van is attacked by an alien
ship, forcing everyone to travel by foot and spend the night in an
abandoned mine shaft. The mine turns out not to be so abandoned, as
the aliens are using it as a base and they chase the humans deeper
into the mine. The aliens kill a deputy and a prisoner and the rest
must depend on the remaining deputy and prisoner Towers (Marc
Robinson) to get them out alive. Meanwhile, the alien armada is
destroying everything in sight, blowing up buildings, cars and
humans, while also abducting cattle and people for experimentation.
Back at the cave, the aliens kill the last remaining deputy and
Professor Chambers and kidnap Stacie (Ashley Shemrick), leaving
Towers and Carol (Jodi Seronick) to fight for survival (maybe for the
whole human race). There seem to be two types of aliens: The short
bug-eyed kind (which are intelligent) and the larger, more dangerous,
lizard-like kind, which are the aliens' muscle. Towers and Carol
stumble on an alien breeding ground, where humans are put in cocoons
and injected with alien DNA, turning them into zombie slave labor.
After saving her friend Stacie from a cocoon, Towers and Carol blow
up the mine with dynamite. They drive back into town, only to find
everything destroyed. With the use of his laptop and an alien device
that Towers stole off of a dead alien, scientist Max (Aaron
Jettleson) comes up with a way to turn off the alien's force field.
Be prepared to be pissed-off at the film's non-ending. It announces
to be ready for the exciting conclusion in ALIEN SPECIES 2: THE INVASION,
which was never made! When Towers says, "Why do I feel like I'm
suddenly in a bad episode of The X-Files?",
you'll be thinking the same thing. Illogical at every turn (Why do
the advanced alien species need a dirty mine to perform their
experiments?; How can Max interface his laptop with an alien device
he's never seen before?), you'll be scratching your head more than
you'll like (I swear I had more hair before I started watching this).
Made shortly after the hugely successful INDEPENDENCE
DAY (1996), this ultra-low-budget knock-off, directed by
Peter Maris (DELIRIUM - 1977; LAND
OF DOOM - 1985; DIPLOMATIC
IMMUNITY - 1991), uses way too much CGI for it's own good.
The aliens are pretty good (they are physical effects), but all the
ships and much of the destruction is created by computer and it is
painfully obvious by the long shot of the alien ships attacking the
city (CGI fire effects still have a long way to go to look
believable). The damn cheat of an ending is still pissing me off
because nothing is resolved. Charles Napier (who gets top billing) is
wasted here as he disappears twenty minutes in and never comes back.
Hoke Howell (ALIENATOR -
1989) died shortly after making this film (it's dedicated to him in
the end credits). Whatever positive comments I had about this film
(they were few) were wiped out by the crappy finale. Also starring
David Homb, Kurt Paul, Robert Thompson and Barbara Fierentino. I got
this flick as part of Brentwood Communications' 20 film DVD
compilation titled SPACE QUEST,
so I don't feel too ripped-off as it come to less than fifty cents
per movie. Not Rated, but it would definitely get an R if it
was, thanks to nasty alien slashings, language and plenty of shotgun
hits (from a shotgun that never seems to run out of shells).
ASSIGNMENT:
OUTER SPACE (1960) - Early
Italian space opera ruined by American tinkering. Not that it's a
particularly good film, mind you, but it didn't need to be fooled
with. It does have some history, though.
December 16, 2116: The crew of a transport ship wake up from
"suspended hibernation", where communication specialist Al
(Archie Savage; DEATH RIDES
A HORSE - 1967) radios Earth and tells them
everyone has arrived safe and are ready to get down to business. Also
on board the transport ship is reporter Ray Peterson (Rik Van Nutter; FOXBAT
- 1977), who is there to film a story on man's first trip to Mars. He
takes a spacewalk (with his camera and without a safety line!) to
board artificial satellite ZX34, the ship taking the trip to Mars.
Once on board ZX34, Ray meets the ship's doctor King 116 (Joe
Pollini; THE MAN WITH ICY EYES
- 1971), who gives him a physical to make sure he is up to the trip.
Ray butts heads with the ship's commander, George (David Montresor),
who doesn't like him being on his ship, but he has orders to
cooperate with him. Ray then takes another space walk to watch the
crew at work, without George's permission, and sees that one of the
crew members is in the path of an approaching meteor. Ray pushes the
crew member out of the way and nearly ruins everyone's chance of
going to Mars. George chews-out Ray, telling him if he wants to do
anything, he will have to ask his permission first (Hey, George, can
I wipe my ass?). Ray is surprised to see a woman on board, botanist
Lucy (Gabriella Farinon; BLOOD
AND ROSES - 1960), and they have a conversation, which leads
to romantic feelings in the both of them. They will have to put their
romance on pause, because something bad is on the horizon. An
out-of-control abandoned space station is heading towards Earth and
if they don't stop it, all life on Earth, and the planet itself, will
be destroyed (the space station's photon generators are radiating
enough heat to destroy Earth). Ray and George (who also has a thing
for Lucy) will have to put their differences aside and come up with a
plan to stop the rudderless ship from reaching Earth's atmosphere.
Ray, once again without George's permission, takes another spacewalk
and boards the errant space station to try and rectify the problem.
He doesn't notice that he is running low on oxygen until it is too
late. Will they be successful or will we have to wait nearly a
hundred years to find out?
This film is "historic" because it is Antonio
Margheriti's CANNIBAL
APOCALYPSE - 1980; ALIEN FROM
THE DEEP - 1989) first solo directorial effort. It is also
the first time Margheriti (Who uses his pseudonym "Anthony
Dawson" for the first time. Some prints list him as
"Antony Daisies".) created miniature model effects, which
was his second favorite thing to do (besides directing), that he
would do more often, especially in his colorful mid-'60s sci-fi
flicks, such as WILD WILD PLANET
(1966), WAR OF THE PLANETS
(1966), WAR BETWEEN THE PLANETS
(1966) and SNOW DEVILS
(1967), which are more interesting than this film. This film is a
slog to get through because 'Executive Producer" Samuel Z.
Arkoff (who had nothing to do with the making of this film) felt the
need to add narration from Ray to the whole film, repeating all the
gobbledygook and space jargon that we have just witnessed moments
before that we now know couldn't possibly be true (This was made
during a time when space travel was just in its infancy, so you
should take that into consideration.). On the plus side, we do have a
black man in space in the form of Archie Savage, who gives up his
life trying to save Earth (and failing). On the negative side, all of
the actors are as stiff as overly-starched underwear and the special
effects are anything but special, but they are still a step above any
of director "Al Bradley"'s (a.k.a. Alfonso Brescia)
late-'70s space operas, like COSMOS:
WAR OF THE PLANETS (1977), BATTLE
OF THE STARS (1977), WAR
OF THE ROBOTS (1978) or STAR ODYSSEY
(1978). I remember seeing this as a child on TV in the mid-'60s and
liking it, but that was because I was a space nut (I still am, even
though our government has turned a blind eye towards space travel)
and long before I saw 2001:
A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968). As it stands, this is best viewed as
a time capsule, when putting a man on the Moon was just a twinkle in
NASA's eye.
Shot under the title SPACE-MEN,
this had a U.S. theatrical release in 1961 through American
International Pictures (A.I.P.) and had many VHS releases, mainly
from gray market sellers, due to its Public Domain (PD) status. It
also had many stand-alone and multi-film budget DVD releases, from
the likes of Alpha Video (which
is how I viewed it. The print is washed-out, but watchable), Sinister
Cinema and other budget labels. I looked for a widescreen release,
but I could not find one because no company wants to release a relic
like this in its OAR and I can't blame them. Margheriti's next film
was BATTLE OF THE WORLDS
(1961), another sci-fi flick that is much better than this one (and
it stars Claude Rains). Look for a review soon. Margheriti gained
fame in the States due to his gothic horror films, such as HORROR
CASTLE (1963), CASTLE
OF BLOOD (1964) and THE
LONG HAIR OF DEATH (1964). Also starring Alain Dijon (THE
INVISIBLE DR. MABUSE - 1962), Franco Fantasia (SEVEN
BLOOD-STAINED ORCHIDS - 1972), David Maran, José
Néstor and Anita Todesco (THE
EMBALMER - 1965). Not Rated, but nothing objectionable.
AUTOMATIC
(1994) - In the near future, business mogul Goddard Marx (John
Glover) and his company RobGen are making a mint selling artificial
humans called "Automatics" as personal protectors and
butlers, for those who can afford it (there's a funny ROBOCOP-like
commercial extolling the advantages of owning an Automatic, that
opens the film). Mr. Marx and his development team are about to
unveil the newest edition of the Automatic, which is a top secret
until it is unveiled tomorrow morning (until now, all the previous
models look the same [all portrayed by martial artist Olivier
Gruner]). While protests by labor unions and
"Anti-Automatics" are being held outside the RobGen
facility, one RobGen executive, Seth Barker (the late Stanley Kamel,
better known as the psychiatrist on TV's MONK
[2002 - 2009]), tries to rape his secretary, Nora Rochester (Daphne
Ashbrook; QUIET COOL
- 1986), but Automatic model J269 (Gruner) intervenes and
accidentally kills Barker, which is against all Automatics'
programming. Fearing a financial disaster if the outside world were
to find out, Marx sends a force of killers, headed by Major West
(Jeff Kober; THE
FIRST POWER - 1990), to kill J269 and Nora. It's not easy as
it sounds, however, because J269
has now appointed itself as Nora's personal protector. Marx and
RobGen's head of security, Buck James (the wonderful Troy Evans),
monitor Major West's progress in RobGen's security center, but Marx
is dismayed to find that his state-of-the-art building is being
destroyed floor-by-floor, as J269 tries to lead Nora to safety
outside the building (Buck, on the other hand, is secretely rooting
for J269 to succeed because he's grown fond of the model's unwavering
loyalty). The rest of the film details J269 and Nora's exploits to
reach safety, as Marx and Major West try their damnedest to make sure
that doesn't happen. Along the way, Nora (who was originally one of
those "Anti-Automatic" people) begins to appreciate J269's
friendship, no longer thinking of him as an emotionless "tin
man". The problems only get worse for Marx when the Press
catches word of something big going down at the RobGen complex and
all the other Automatics begin displaying behavior that can best be
described as "human". Is this the dawning of a new age or
the end of mankind? Although highly derivative of both ROBOCOP
(1987) and DIE HARD (1988),
this film is still an enjoyable romp, thanks to a humor-filled
script (by Susan Lambert and Patrick Highsmith), the acting of
John Glover (who basically plays the same type of character here as
he did in GREMLINS 2:
THE NEW BATCH [1990]), Troy Evans (a terrific character actor
probably best-known to TV viewers as Frank The Desk Clerk on the
long-running hospital drama ER [1994 -
2009]) and Dennis Lipscomb (RETRIBUTION
- 1987) as an extremely nervous bank executive and some bang-up
action sequences. Director John Murlowski (RETURN
OF THE FAMILY MAN - 1989; AMITYVILLE:
A NEW GENERATION
- 1993) even finds time to throw in some sharp social commentary
about the delicate balance between what is man and what is machine.
Olivier Gruner, one of action film's better martial artists and
actors (he has this sly look that's disarming), gives a nuanced
performance as a "Tick" (a derogatory term for an
Automatic) who, at first, seems cold and unemotional, but as he and
Nora make their way through the different levels of the RobGen
Building (it's like a live-action video game), he begins to realise
that there's barely any difference between him and most humans,
especially the heartbreaking sequence where he discovers a laboratory
where his fellow Automatics are experimented on in various painful
ways. Since they all look like him, it's a turning point in his
education on the human condition. As a matter of fact, as the film
progresses, Nora and J269 seem to switch personalities, as she begins
killing people to protect him. This is one of the better DTV sci-fi
action flicks of the 90's, thanks to plentiful gunfights and
explosions, biting humor, social commentary and a really good
surprise reveal towards the end of the film that ties everything
together rather nicely. It really is a stunner that I didn't see
coming. I like a film that can still surprise me in this day and age.
So should you. Also starring Penny Johnson, Marjean Holden and
Annabelle Gurwitch. A Republic
Pictures Home Video Release. Rated R.
BRONX
WARRIORS 2 (1983) - This sequel
to 1990: THE BRONX WARRIORS
(1982; now available on a Blu-Ray/DVD
Combo Pack from Blue Underground))
tells the further adventures of renegade warrior Trash (Mark
Gregory), the unlikely saviour of a disease-ravaged Bronx, NY in the
not-too-distant future. While Trash is supplying ammunition to a
group of underground revolutionaries, led by Dablone (Antonio
Sabato), a brutal platoon of soldiers, under orders from GC Corp.
President Henry Clark (Thomas Moore), is killing all the occupants of
the Bronx to make way for total urban renewal, a brand-spanking new
city to rise from the ashes. The GC Corp.'s silver-suited demolition
squads, led by the cynical Floyd Wangler (Henry Silva), kill Trash's
parents in order to destroy the building they live in, making Trash
the GC Corp.'s worst enemy (When Henry Clark complains to Wangler
that his means of killing people is tantamount to genocide and that
he is worse than they are [the gangs that roam the Bronx streets],
Wangler turns to him and says, "Allow me to correct you Mr.
Clark. I'm worse than anybody!"). Trash joins forces with the
street gangs and begins killing members of GC Corp.'s
"Disinfestation Squads", much to Wangler's dismay. Nosey
television reporter Moon Grey (Valeria D'Obici) and her photographer
Jay (Andrea Coppola) witness one of GC Corp.'s raids and slaughter of
innocent citizens, but when Jay
is burned alive by a flame thrower when they are caught, Trash saves
Moon's ass and brings her underground to Dablone's gang for safety.
Moon talks Dablone into kidnapping Henry Clark, so Dablone sends
Trash and Moon to locate and enlist the help of Strike (Timothy
Brent), a crazy ex-bank robber who is a pro at kidnapping people. The
trio manage to kidnap Clark at a groundbreaking ceremony, but Moon is
shot and killed when she creates a diversion. Trash and Strike take
their captive on a journey through the New York sewer system to evade
capture by Wangler and his men. When the Vice President of GC Corp.
(Paolo Malco) pulls a power play and decides that Clark is better off
dead, he enlists Wangler's help, which results in a finale where
Trash, Strike, Dablone and all the other good guys must fight against
tremendous odds to regain their right to live in the Bronx as free
people. This entertaining sci-fi fantasy, directed by Enzo G.
Castellari (who directed the first film, as well as THE
LAST SHARK [1981], THE NEW BARBARIANS
[1983], LIGHT BLAST
[1985] and many others), is non-stop gory fun from beginning to end.
Originally released on VHS in the U.S. by Media
Home Entertainment in a severely-edited R-rated print under the
title ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX,
it is now available in a beautiful unedited widescreen print on DVD
from British label Vipco Entertainment and a Blu-Ray/DVD combo pack
from Blue Underground.
The violence is over-the-top, as people are burned alive, shot,
blown-up or have their skulls crushed with a baseball bat or butt of
a rifle, all done in super slow motion. While the script (by
Castellari and Tito Carpi) is generic chase-and-kill stuff, the
action set-pieces are pretty good, including the chase through the
sewers and the slaughter witnessed by Moon and Jay, where one poor
sap has a bomb involuntarily strapped to his body, which explodes
when some street gang members try to remove it. As far as the acting
goes, let's just say that it doesn't really matter. Henry Silva (CRY
OF A PROSTITUTE - 1974; ALMOST
HUMAN - 1974), is wasted in his role (replacing Vic Morrow
from the first film, who unfortunately lost his life on the set of TWILIGHT
ZONE: THE MOVIE in a tragic helicopter accident) as Wangler,
who speaks most of his lines into a telephone or radio receiver,
barking out orders (but he does have an extremely funny line when
someone gives him coffee with sugar in it). Mark Gregory (the THUNDER
trilogy [1983 - 1988]; WAR
BUS COMMANDO [1989]) is one of the worst actors of all time
in Italian exploitation film history. He spends most of his screen
time with the same goofy expression on his face. It's like a cross
between John Travolta's Vinnie Barbarino character from TV's WELCOME
BACK, KOTTER (1975 - 1979) and someone with a terminal case
of hard gas. His dubbed-in Bronx accent (or rather what Italians
think people from the Bronx sound like) just makes this film more
entertaining in a twisted sort of way. Still, BRONX
WARRIORS 2 contains enough bloody violence and action (it
sets some kind of record for exploding bodies) to keep you properly
diverted from the ridiculousness of it all. Also starring Alessandro
Prete as Junior, Strike's young son, who is an explosives expert (!),
Massimo Vanni, Romano Puppo, Eva Czemerys, Moana Pozzi, Tom Fellaghy
and Carla Brait. A Vipco Entertainment DVD (PAL Region 2) Release.
Also available on DVD & Blu-Ray from Blue Underground. Not Rated.
BROTHER
FROM SPACE (1984)
-
Unbelievably bad and inept E.T.
THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL
(1982) clone which purportedly tells the true story of an
alien who crash lands on Earth and takes refuge in a church,
protected by a priest (Martin Balsam) and a blind girl (Silvia
Tortosa Davis) who can speak to the alien telepathically. The
military (headed by Jess Franco vet William Berger) would like to get
their hands on the alien for scientific experiments. After several
close calls, the alien returns to the crash site to renew his energy
before he expires from exposure to the Earths atmosphere. He
doesnt make it and dies in the blind girls arms, but not
before giving her a pair of glasses that are able to let her see!
Corny to the extreme, this loser of a film has cheap effects (you can
see the string on floating objects), risable dialog and
hamfisted religious analogies. Directed by Roy Garret (real name:
Mario Gariazzo), this Italian-financed fiasco (lensed in San Luis
Obispo, California) is a major disappointment since Garret also made
the highly effective and eerie EYES
BEHIND THE STARS
(1977), also starring Balsam. An Overseas Filmgroup Release. I have
not seen it on U.S. video, but it use show up on cable station TNT
every so often (God, remember those days?). Not
Rated,
but it would probably get a PG
if
it were. Truly awful.
CLASH
OF THE WARLORDS (1985) - In
this quasi-sequel to director Willie Milan's W
(a.k.a. W IS WAR - 1983), warrior Rex (Willy Williams) is
forced to fight his best friend gladiator style in an arena by evil
warlord Malsam (Robert Marios), who is holding Rex's young son
prisoner and will only free him if Rex kills his friend. When Rex
kills his friend and Malsam renegs on his deal, he and his son escape
with the help of a friendly female. Malsam orders his men to
recapture Rex and his son (He says, "Find them and don't come
back until you find them!" What!?!), but the trigger-happy
henchmen kill Rex's son and the helpful female when warrior Maria
(Gabby Parro) comes out of nowhere to help Rex fight the bad guys. As
Rex and Maria walk through the post-nuked terrain, they are captured
by a group of people and led to the town of
Opulus, where Maria is reunited with her long-lost father Zeus, a
scientist who is working on a cure for radiation poisoning. We also
find out that Malsam is afflicted with a strange disease where he
begins to mutate every time he looks at the moon (When he sees the
moon one night, he tells his men, "Take it away and I'll cover
it in blood!" Double what!?! Some of his men turn to each other
and say, "He has a devil inside him!" and "He's not
just crazy. He's a lunatic!"). Malsam will not rest until Rex is
dead, so he hires a band of beefy warriors to capture Rex and bring
him back, which they do (without very much trouble at all). Rex must
fight a series of battles in the arena, each one more dangerous than
the last. Just when things begin looking grim for Rex, Maria shows up
with a "Liquidation Squad", an army of rocket launcher and
machine gun-carrying men who help Rex defeat Malsam's men. The rest
of the film is just a series of gunfights and explosions until Rex
confronts Malsam for a lightsaber duel (!), where Rex quickly defeats
Malsam (he explodes into a million little pieces when Rex cuts him in
half with the lightsaber!) and Maria and Rex share a passionate kiss
before Rex jumps on his horse and heads off on another adventure,
which audiences never got to see (because it was never filmed). Maybe
he died of radiation poisoning. This is strictly lower-tier
Filipino action cinema that's pretty rough going for the viewer. I
guess it would help to view the first film (which I didn't at the
time of this review, but have seen since), but I really doubt if it
would make a big difference. The Greek subtitled version I viewed
edits out most of the gory footage and the English dubbing is so bad,
it's almost surreal. Most of the impalements, axe fights (which seems
to be the weapon of choice here) and gun battles end abruptly and
those edits get quite annoying after a short period of time. We don't
watch these films for the storylines, you know, so editing out all
the gore kind of defeats the whole purpose of watching it in the
first place. I'm sure director Willie Milan (ULTIMAX
FORCE - 1986) didn't mean for this film to be as awful as
this edition makes it out to be, but the atrocious dubbing (the word
"arena" is pronounced "areener" and the dubbing
crew can't seem to make up their minds if Gabby Parro's character
name is "Maria" or "Reya") and lack of bloody
violence in this version makes it a tough sitting for the viewing
audience, even if it's only 73 minutes long. The only interesting
(and weird) points this film has to offer are Malsam's aversion to
the moon (which is quickly dropped) and counting how many times you
spot people standing around in a circle (which is a lot!). Also
starring Tom Romano, Rey De Gusman, Teresa Hunt, Joan Durst, Ching
Zabala, Waldo Masconi and the "W Stuntmen". Also known as MAD
WARRIOR. A Video Memory Release. Not Rated.
CREATURE
(1984) - A crew of American scientists are sent to Jupiter's moon
Titan, where a missing U.S. mining crew discovered an ancient alien
city. They also released an alien creature that was held in a pod in
suspended animation for centuries. The U.S. and Germans are fighting
for control of mining rights on this moon and it looks like the
Krauts have beat the scientists to the find. The scientists' ship
lands on some unstable ground, causing it to become damaged beyond
repair. They radio the German ship and, when they get no answer, they
suit-up and begin their trek to the German ship. They find the ship
deserted, as if it were abandoned. They also find one of the alien
pods on the ship, empty except for some black goo. It's not long
before they begin finding the mutilated bodies of the German
crew. They beat a hasty retreat back to their own ship when something
kills one of their crew. Running dangerously low on air and knowing
that they will eventually have to go back to the German ship, they
run into Hans (Klaus Kinski), the lone survivor of the German crew
who doesn't seem to be telling all he knows about the death of his
crew. What he does tell them is that they have discovered some
alien's "butterfly collection" or zoo, a collection of
creatures from other galaxies and one of them has woken up. This
creature is a parasite, able to control anything it touches by
placing a smaller alien creature on it's victim's head, the smaller
creature taking over the brain. Hans leads an expedition back to his
ship and they are attacked by some reanimated corpses (all with those
little creatures attached to their heads). It becomes obvious after a
short time that the alien is using the reanimated humans as manpower
it needs to operate the German ship and get it back to Earth. As the
alien takes over more of the American crew, the remaining unaffected
fight for their lives for control of the ship as they slowly run out
of oxygen. This filmed-in-Germany ALIEN
(1979) knock-off is pretty good and contains some suspenseful and
bloody scenes. Director William Malone (SCARED
TO DEATH - 1980; W.E.I.R.D.
WORLD - 1995; HOUSE
ON HAUNTED HILL - 1999; FEAR
DOT COM - 2002; PARASOMNIA
- 2008; he also did the creature design for SYNGENOR
- 1990) does a nice job of portraying the claustrophobia of living in
an environment where oxygen (or lack of) is a commodity that we take
for granted. The alien creature bears a slight resemblance to H.R.
Giger's creation, but there's lots of other bloody mayhem on view,
including a face being torn off, a decapitation, an exploding head
(I'm sensing a theme...), mangled corpses, death by raygun and flesh
eating. The effects are well-done, although it's apparent that Klaus
Kinski (who's basically wasted in a throw-away role) elected to use a
double in his possession scenes. The scene where they electrocute the
alien is lifted directly from THE THING
(1951) and they even mention the film during the planning stages when
one of them says, "That movie with the carrot from outer
space." You could do a lot worse than this film, as it is one of
the better 80's low-budget monster flicks. Also starring Stan Iver,
Wendy Schaal, Lyman Ward, Annette McCarthy, Diane Salinger and Robert
Jaffe. Originally released on VHS by Media
Home Entertainment, it slipped into the public domain and can be
had for chump change as part of Brentwood Communications' 20 movie
DVD compilation titled SPACE QUEST.
Originally known as TITAN FIND,
a more appropriate title if you ask me. Rated R.
CY
WARRIOR: SPECIAL COMBAT UNIT (1989) -
Those Italian sure knew how to milk a concept until it was dry as a
whore's overused vagina. In this umpteenth TERMINATOR
rip-off, four bumbling soldiers accidentally release a top-secret
cyborg (Frank Zagarino; HAMMERHEAD
- 1987) into the free world. The only problem is, the cyborg isn't
fully programmed yet, so he's walking around thinking he's human,
like a man with amnesia. The government sends Colonel Hammer (a
badly-dubbed Henry Silva; CRY
OF A PROSTITUTE - 1974) and a team of men to track the
cyborg down and dispose of it, but it wouldn't be much of a film if
it were that easy, would it? Since the cyborg has a built-in tracking
chip, Hammer and his men find it easily, but time and time again the
cyborg escapes using it's superhuman abilities. During one of it's
escapes, the cyborg injures his leg and schoolboy Brandon Scott
(Brandon Hammond) finds him in the woods and brings him home to meet
big sister Susan (Sherri Rose). The cyborg performs some surgery on
his leg in front of Susan and Brandon, exposing his mechanical
nature. Susan and Brandon decide to
help the cyborg act more human, so they let him read all the
encyclopedias in the house and teach him how to eat a hamburger!
Susan dresses him in the latest 80's fashions and then takes him
shopping around town, where Hammer and his men spot him and open
fire, but they end up gunning down many innocent bystanders instead.
When Susan removes the tracking chip from the cyborg's back, Hammer
must rely on the local police to help identify and find Susan. Hammer
again tries to kill the cyborg, but is unsuccessful, so he kidnaps
Brandon and offers him in trade for the cyborg. Brandon is seriously
injured in the rescue attempt, so Susan must rush him to the hospital
while the cyborg kills Hammer and his goons in retribution. When a
transformer blows and the electricity goes out in the middle of
Brandon's operation, the cyborg performs an act of self-sacrifice to
save Brandon's life (Didn't the hospital ever hear of a backup
generator?). The final shot shows the cyborg lifeless, looking like
Jesus Christ crucified on the cross. Can cyborgs find religion?
Hmmmmm... This dime store sci-fi tale, directed by Giannetto De Rossi (KILLER
CROCODILE 2
- 1990), Italy's premiere special effects makeup artist (He is the
Tom Savini of Italy, well-known amongst gore affectionattos for
his work on Lucio Fulci's ZOMBIE
[1979] and numerous other Italian zombie and slasher flicks), is
slow-moving and uninvolving thanks to a nonsensical script by De
Rossi and Dardano Sacchetti (using his "David Parker, Jr."
pseudonym). When CY WARRIOR
turns into a cutesy family drama, where the seemingly parent-free duo
of Susan and Brandon welcome the cyborg into their opulent home
unconditionally, it loses all forward momentum and never regains it's
footing. What's even more mind-numbingly irrational are the tactics
Hammer employs to kill the cyborg, murdering innocent people on the
street and in a crowded restaurant (where Susan tries to teach the
cyborg to dance!) without the slightest hint of regret. Quite the
contrary, Hammer (played with usual wide-eyed intensity by Henry
Silva, as he spouts lines like, "Piece of shit sardine
can!") seems to relish the violence and the police are nowhere
to be found to offer him any resistance. Frank Zagarino is perfect as
a cyborg because, let's face it, he has about all the personality of
a cash register at Denny's (Zagarino later perfected his robotic
skills by portraying an android in PROJECT:
SHADOWCHASER [1991] and it's three
sequels). He jerks his head and body around like a cut-rate
Peter Weller in ROBOCOP (1987),
while over-exaggerated mechanical sound effects are heard on the
soundtrack and every time he speaks, the dubbed-in voice makes it
sound like he's talking in a tunnel. Considering De Rossi's
involvement, the effects are particularly low-rent; just plenty of
bloody bullet squibs and a scene where the cyborg peels off half his
burned face, revealing his metal skeleton underneath (Where have I
seen that before?) and then pouring some liquid skin over the exposed
area (Where the hell did he get liquid skin?). CY
WARRIOR, produced by Fabrizio DeAngelis (for Fulvia Films;
DeAngelis was once contracted to direct this using his "Larry
Ludman" pseudonym, but decided to produce it instead. Smart
move.), is a pretty weak sci-fi actioner that didn't impress me in
any department. As a matter of fact, I've seen better robotic
movements by drunk relatives on the dance floor of wedding
receptions. Also starring James Summers, Bill Hughes, Ron Lang,
Thomas Rack, Gray Jordan and Charles Irving. Never available
legitimately on home video in the U.S. in any form, the print I
viewed was sourced from a Greek-subtitled VHS tape. Roku streaming
channel B-Movie TV shows a nice widescreen version of this film as
part of their regular rotation (usually once every 3 - 4 months).
Once you hear Lanfranco Perini's (COP
TARGET - 1990) music score for this film, especially the Cy
Warrior's theme music, it will take weeks, if not longer, for it to
leave your brain. It's a real earworm. Not Rated.
DARK
FUTURE (1994) -
This ultra-cheapie is derivative of countless futuristic films of
years gone by. This films main distinction is that is was
directed by notorious badfilm personality Greydon Clark (BLACK
SHAMPOO
- 1976;
SATANS
CHEERLEADERS -
1977; WITHOUT WARNING -
1979). Far in the future, the world is ruled by Synthetics (humanoid
robots with human brains) who keep the remaining sterile humans
captive in a secured slum city, where they are sexually abused and
generally treated like shit by the unfeeling non-humans. When a baby
is unexpectedly born, the Synthetics want to extract its brain
cells to prolong the lives of their elderly human creators, who were
rich businessmen before the Black Death destroyed most of humanity
and made money useless. A lone human (Darby Hinton, star of MALIBU
EXPRESS
- 1985) tries to protect the baby and lead the remaining survivors to
the Forbidden Zone, a place that no human has ever seen. Shot in
Russia in the middle of winter, this film contains some cheesy props
(the guns are actually Laser Tag toys), good locations, nudity and
surprisingly well-done optical effects (by David L. Hewitt, director
of such badfilms as GALLERY
OF HORRORS
- 1967, THE
TORMENTORS
- 1971 and THE
LUCIFER COMPLEX
- 1978). The mixture of American and Soviet talent both in front and
behind the cameras make this a hit-or-miss affair, with the misses
far outnumbering the hits. What else would you expect from Greydon
Clark? Also starring Len Donato, Andria Mann, Gabriel Vaughn and
Julian Jurin. From Dead Alive Productions Home Video. Not
Rated.
THE
DARK LURKING (2008) -
Made-in-Australia sci-fi/horror film that is a freshman effort for
nearly evereyone behind and in front of the cameras, and while the
plot may be old hat, the frenetic presentation adds a shot of
adrenaline to the proceedings. In the distant future, Reaserch
Station 320, located on some unnamed planet, places a distress call
stating that they are under attack from at least "five different
mutations" and the situation looks dire. The captain of a
passing ship owned by the rich and powerful IDGAF Corporation orders
that the research station be sealed and to keep it a secret. We then
watch as a female (Tonia Renee) wakes up in a totally white room. She
has "SC17" tattooed on her arm and seems totally confused.
She takes a shower and begins to have a massive nosebleed, when two
guys in bio-contamination suits enter the room and try to kill her,
but a creature slaughters the two guys and the woman escapes. We then
learn that the woman
is one of eight survivors of Research Station 320, yet she has no
memory of how she has gotten here. It seems the research station has
been contaminated with some biological virus, which has turned most
of the humans there into all sorts of flesh-hungry mutations. Those
who haven't been infected with the virus must avoid even being
scratched by the mutations for fear of instant contamination and
transformation. The survivors, who include mercenaries Dare (Anthony
Edwards), Michaels (Bret Kennedy) and Kirkland (Ozzie Devrish), as
well as scientists and "lab rats" Yutani (Roslyn Van
Doorn), Canning (Davyd Williams) and Jen (Cassia Rosenstraus), try to
make their way to the planet's surface while battling the hordes of
mutations, many of them whom were once their friends. The mysterious
amnesiac woman begins to have seizures and, while she is unconscious,
can see what the mutations are doing, like she has some psychic
connection to them. As you can probably guess, the mutations begin
chowing-down on the survivors one-by-one as they try to make their
way to safety, while the mercenaries argue among themselves if it is
worth risking their lives trying to protect the civilians (in the
mercs' defense, most of the civilians are a thankless lot). When
their numbers start dwindling, they become trapped in a laboratory
occupied by Konieg (Dirk Foulger), a scientist who knows more about
the amnesiac woman than he is letting on. What is this woman's
connection to the mutations and will anyone make it out alive before
the IDGAF Corporation nukes the station and denies all
knowledge? Although obviously shot on a shoestring budget with
less than stellar acting (most of the mercenaries are portrayed by
professional stuntmen), first-time director/screenwriter Greg Connors
manages to pack a lot of action and gory bloodshed, not to mention
some excellent makeup effects, into the mix. Besides the various
mutated creatures, there are head explosions, limb removals (Yutani
has her hand ripped-off and Kirkland cauterizes the wound with a
flare), disembowelments, various bloody clawings and slashings and
lots of squishy bullet squibs. If there's a quibble about this film,
it's that it relies a little too much on the shakey-cam
cinematography technique or strobe light effects during the action
scenes (probably used to hide its low-budget roots) and a ridiculous
(although inventive) third act explanation about the mutations (It
has to do with the Nazi's finding a fossil of the original angel,
Lucifer, during World War II and Konieg using DNA from the fossil for
cloning experimentations. Far-fetched? You betcha!). Those are just
minor distractions, though, in an otherwise thoroughly enjoyable and
gory "monsters-on-the-loose" sci-fi flick. Sure, it's an ALIEN
(1979) clone (although it reminds me more of the Roger
Corman-produced THE TERROR WITHIN
[1988], only with better effects), but THE
DARK LURKING is an entertaining clone nonetheless.
Recommended. Also starring Philippe Deseck and Aash Aaron (I guess
his Mom wanted him to be the first name in the Australia phone
book!). A Cinema Epoch DVD
Release. Rated R, but this is on the hard side of R.
THE
DARK SIDE OF THE MOON (1989) -
Forget Pink Floyd. This has nothing to do with their classic song
(although it would fit in well as a background track). What we have
here is a totally engrossing space/horror film about a crew on the spaceship
SpaceCore One, who lose power as they are passing by the dark side
of the Moon in the year 2022. They are running out of life support
when out of the blue the space shuttle Discovery docks along side
them. The crew go aboard the Discovery only to find that no one is on
board except for a dead astronaut with a huge triangle cut out of his
stomach. Giles (Will Bledsoe), one of the crew members, does a check
on the dead astronaut and finds out that he disappeared, along with
the Discovery, nearly 30 years ago in the Bermuda Triangle. Giles
triangulates the Triangle only to find out that if it were to go out
into space, it would be in the exact position they are in right now
as it ends in one of the craters on the dark side of the Moon. Pretty
soon the crew members (including Joe Turkel of THE
SHINING [1980], John Diehl of MIND
RIPPER [1994], Alan Blumenfeld of THE
RING [2002] and Robert Sampson of RE-ANIMATOR
[1985]) become posseessed by what turns out to be Satan as he has
complete control of the Bermuda Triangle. The SpaceCore One is
the 666th ship to be lost in the Triangle. Giles makes the ultimate
sacrifice and in the finale we find out exactly what happened to all
those ships, planes, helicopters and other transports that have
disappeared. They are all in a crater on the Dark Side Of The Moon.
This is pretty good for a low-budget space opera as we have to guess
who is possessed and who is still human and parts of it reminded me
of the big-budget film EVENT
HORIZON,
filmed 8 years later. There's very little blood or gore, but there's
lots of scary situations and one-time director D.J. Webster does a
good job of holding your interest. Still not available in the States
on DVD, this would make a good addition to anyone's library if they
are interested in science fiction with a touch of horror. Also
starring Wendy MacDonald and Camilla More as Lesli, the female
computer who runs the ship. A Vidmark
Entertainment Home Video Release. Rated R.
DARK
UNIVERSE (1993) -
Cheapie monster-on-the-loose film from executive producer Fred Olen
Rays American
Independent Production outfit. A space shuttle astronaut is infected
by alien spores upon re-entry to earth and crash lands in the Florida
swamps. He turns into a monster (that looks like a cross between an ALIEN
[1979] creature and a T-Rex) and terrorizes an untalented cast as
they try to avoid him (it?) and some other spore-mutated wildlife.
This film is notable only for some interesting morph effects and an
eccentric cameo cast which includes Steve Barkett (the auteur behind
the bizarre post-apocalyptic THE
AFTERMATH
[1978] and the even weirder EMPIRE
OF THE DARK
[1991]) as the astronaut, Martin Sheens less-talented brother
Joe Estevez (SOULTAKER
- 1990) as a corporate bigwig and genre director William Grefe (STANLEY
-1972; MAKO:
JAWS OF DEATH
- 1976) as an elderly trapper who falls victim to the monster. The
rest of the film is unimpressive as the creatures are unconvincing
and the main casts acting talents leave a lot to be desired.
Not worth your hard-earned rental bucks. Starring Blake Pickett,
Cherie Scott, Bently Tittle and Pat Moran (who also wrote and
co-produced). Directed and co-produced by Steve Latshaw (VAMPIRE
TRAILER PARK
- 1991; BIOHAZARD:
THE ALIEN FORCE
- 1994; JACK-O
- 1995; DEATH MASK - 1998;
and RETURN OF THE
KILLER SHREWS - 2012). A Prism
Entertainment Video Release. Also available on a triple-feature
Steve Latshaw DVD from Retromedia.
Rated
R.
THE
DAY THE EARTH STOPPED (2008) -
This is the Asylum's "mockumentary" version of 20th Century
Fox's remake of THE
DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (2008) and it follows the same
formula of all their other countless big-budget counterpart rip-offs
(see my review of Asylum's HILLSIDE
CANNIBALS for other titles): Copy the ad campaigns and 99%
of the story of the big studios' films, throw in 1% originality and
make it with a bunch of D-grade actors and a budget so anemic that it
would even make Roger Corman say, "What, are you crazy? It can't
be done!" An alien invasion of Earth leaves 666 giant robots
(the same ones used in Asylum's TRANSFORMERS
rip-off, TRANSMORPHERS
[2007]) standing deactivated in the middle of the world's most
populated cities. Two naked humanoid aliens, Sky (the beautiful
Sinead McCafferty, who looks great completely naked and is clearly
the best thing about this film) and Man (Bug Hall), also land on
Earth and are captured by the military, led by Josh Myron (C.Thomas
Howell, who also directed) and Prewitt (co-scripter Darren Dalton).
Sky tells
Josh that the Earth has twenty-four hours to "prove the value
of human life" or else the robots will be activated and wipe out
all traces of human life, putting our planet back in the state it was
before we began ruining it. When the U.S. government stupidly ignores
Sky's warning and try to destroy one of the robots with missiles
(which are ineffective and result in the destruction of three jets),
the whole world loses electrical power. Josh breaks Sky out of
captivity and he tries to show her the value of human life (good luck
there!), with Prewitt and the military not far behind. Can a simple
schmo like Josh convince Sky to stop the Earth from spinning off its
axis and stopping dead in it's tracks? When he takes Sky to church
and tries to explain the concept of God (good luck there!), she taps
into Josh's mind (where she sees stock footage of rain forests,
waterfalls and clips of Howell when he was considered a star on the
rise [OK, I made up that last one!]) and begins to actually
experience the best and worst man has to offer, whether it's being
carjacked by a thug with a gun or witnessing the birth of a baby.
When Sky breaks her cardinal rule of "not getting involved"
and uses her alien powers to bring the baby's dead mother back to
life, it sets the stage for the redemption of the human race. Thank
God, I was worried there for a minute! Ugh, what a complete
waste of time. Director/actor C. Thomas Howell, who was once a
promising actor (THE OUTSIDERS
- 1983; RED DAWN - 1984) and
then became a staple in the PM Entertainment factory (directing and
starring in such action titles as PURE
DANGER and THE BIG FALL
[both 1996]), and also worked occasionally for Roger Corman in such
films as CYBERCITY (1999),
has now become the poster boy of the abysmal Asylum carbon copy club,
appearing in such Z-grade films like H.G.
WELLS' WAR OF THE WORLD (2005) and directing/starring in the
sequel, WAR
OF THE WORLDS 2: THE NEXT WAVE (2008). It's hard watching
Howell in crap like this when he was so good in films of the past (THE
HITCHER [1986] immediately springs to mind). This is pablum
that even a baby would refuse to take as nourishment (speaking of
babies, the one that was born here clearly looks to be six months
old!), as it is nothing but talky pseudo-babble about man's worth and
cheap CGI effects (we hear about 666 robots, but we only see one at a
time). Like I said earlier, only Ms. McCafferty's nude sequence in
the beginning holds the viewer's interest and when she is finally
clothed (apparently, alien women wear bras), the film stops dead in
it's tracks, much like the Earth in this film. Not even a
late-in-the-film cameo by Judd Nelson (who gets second billing in the
credits, but has less than two minutes of screen time) as the father
of the newborn baby, can raise any interest (Nelson's career path has
taken a dive similar to Howell's). For those of you that thought that
the new big-budget THE
DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL was a stinker (and it was), let me
introduce you to the entire garbage dump. No amount of ice or air
freshener can mask the awful odor that is STOPPED. This is 89
minutes of pure Hell on Earth. Listen up, my faithful readers: I
don't know how many more of these Asylum abominations I can watch
before my brain turns into an organ that is totally useless, so can
we just agree that it's best to avoid them at all cost? Also starring
Cameron Bender, Jonathan Sanders, Lew Knopp, Reiko Kaneshiro and
Jason Ellefson. An Asylum Home Entertainment
DVD Release. Not Rated. EPILOGUE: I am glad to report
that C. Thomas Howell has had quite the career resurgence since his
association with The Asylum. He was absolutely creepy in his
recurring role as serial killer "George Foyet" (a.k.a.
"The Reaper") on CRIMINAL
MINDS (where he murdered Hotch's wife in a way that broke
your heart); was a guest star in one of my favorite episodes of LONGMIRE
and has appeared as a semi-regular on the TV Series GRIMM.
He is also doing plenty of movies, none of them for The Asylum.
Careers go up and down, but I am glad that Howell's career is up again.
THE
DAY TIME ENDED (1979) - In this
interesting Charles Band production (pre-Empire and Full Moon), a
family gets caught in a time vortex when their new solar powered home
in the desert is hit with a strange phenomenon after three far-away
stars go supernova. A green-glowing alien object (which looks like a
miniature pyramid) suddenly appears in their backyard and when it is
touched, it causes objects to appear and disappear. The object then
changes it size and little granddaughter Jenny (Natasha Ryan) puts it
in her pocket and brings
it into the house. Things start to get weird when the family
patriarch (Jim Davis) and matriarch (Dorothy Malone) see two UFOs
flying overhead while taking a stroll at night. Things get
progressively stranger when a large cracked mirror seems to fix
itself, rooms start glowing green, small alien creatures start
roaming the house and a miniature spaceship chases everyone around
while shooting lasers at them. After a while it becomes apparent that
they are caught in a time warp, where the past, present and future
all exist at the same time (hence the mirror seemingly fixes itself
when, if fact, they were looking at the mirror before it was
cracked). Son-in-law Richard (the expressionless Chris Mitchum), who
was away on a business trip, worries when he cannot contact them by
phone, so he begins a drive back to the house. Meanwhile, the family
try to leave the house, but are stopped by strange lights in the sky.
Before the night is through, the family will view plenty of alien
ships, two giant creatures fighting each other (the winner then turns
his attention to the family), they are transported to some alien
technology graveyard and trapped in a never-ending series of travels
back and forth through time. When Richard gets to the house, he sees
it disappear but, for some unexplained reason, he is reunited with
his family and they start a new life on an alien planet. What?!?
Director John "Bud" Cardos (KINGDOM
OF THE SPIDERS - 1977; THE
DARK - 1979; MUTANT
- 1984; SKELETON COAST
- 1987) infuses the film with an air of mystery (which is nearly
destroyed by the opening narration) and, although the story line is
somewhat unique, the cheapness of the production hampers it's overall
effectiveness. Nearly all the effects are done via stop-motion
animation (supervised by Dave Allen) and some of them look
unfinished, especially the scenes of the two giant aliens fighting.
The optical effects are even cheaper looking, especially the scenes
of the time warp surrounding the house. Still, for a small film, it
is effects-laden and attempts to tell a story that, clearly, the
budget couldn't sustain. The ending really doesn't make a lick of
sense and seems tacked-on, as if the screenwriters (Wayne Schmidt, J.
Larry Carroll and David Schmoeller) couldn't figure out a way to end
it properly with the budget they were given, so they left it
open-ended. Since a sequel was never made, let's hope they lived
happily ever after. This played theatrically on a double
bill with LASERBLAST
(1978), another Charles Band production with Dave Allen stop-motion
effects. Also starring Marcy Lafferty (who was Mrs. William Shatner
at the time), and Scott Kolden. THE
DAY TIME ENDED is also known as BLACK
THUNDER, TIME WARP and VORTEX. Available as
part of Brentwood Communications' 20 movie DVD compilation titled SPACE
QUEST and Mill Creek Entertainment's SCI-FI
INVASION 50 MOVIE DVD Compilation. Rated PG.
DEAD
MAN WALKING (1987)
-
In the future world of 1997 Earth, disease has spread throughout the
land and there are three distinct groups of people: The uninfected,
who are free to move about wherever they please; The diseased, who
are put into "Plague Zones" and can never leave, and:
"Zero Men", males who are infected with a non-transmittable
strain of the disease and only have one to two years to live. The
Zero Men are known to have extremely tempermental behavior because of
their short life expectancy. One ultraviolent Zero Man, Decker (Brion
James), escapes from a prison van and heads into the nearest Plague
Zone to hide. He, along with a couple of other prison escapees, stop
a passing limousine and kidnap Leila (Pamela Ludwig), after killing
her wealthy industrialist father, and head into the heart of the Plague
Zone, knowing full well that the police will never follow. Chaz
(Jeffrey Combs), Leila's chauffeur (and possible lover) hires devil-may-care
Zero Man John Luger (Wings Hauser) to lead him into the Plague Zone
to rescue Leila. As Luger and Chaz track Decker, they find nothing
but death and destruction (including a boobytrapped severed head)
left in his wake. Decker catches Luger and Chaz off-guard and buries
them up to their necks in the blazing sun. They are rescued by a
nomad farmer (Leland Crooke) and his hideously deformed sister Pookie
(Penelope Sudrow). After giving the farmer Chaz's "pain
pills" in exchange for oil (for their car), guns and Pookie (who
dies the next morning from the disease), Luger and Chaz head to Cafe
Death, where the dregs of society go to drink, fight and watch a live
stage show where infected people are killed in graphic ways. Decker
gets the drop on Luger (again) and uses jumper cables and a car
battery to torture Luger. Chaz rescues Luger and they have a final
showdown with Decker in a junkyard, where Chaz makes a startling
revelation to Luger about his "pain pills" and Leila puts a
few rounds into Decker. Luger then makes a move that will change all
of humanity. This is one of Gregory Dark's (here using the
pseudonym "Gregory Brown") rare forays into mainstream
filmmaking (others being STREET ASYLUM
[1990 - also with Hauser] and the recent SEE
NO EVIL [2006]). Dark is mainly recognized for his stylish
porn films, like NEW WAVE HOOKERS
(1985) and also directed erotic thrillers like ANIMAL
INSTINCTS: THE SEDUCTRESS (1995) using the name
"Alexander Gregory Hippolyte". Dark borrows motifs from
many films for DEAD MAN WALKING,
most notably the recurring TV news breaks from ROBOCOP
(made the same year as this), right down to using the same actor (the
late Mario Machado) to play the news anchor (he played "Casey
Wong" in all three ROBOCOP films). Some parts of this
film are highly inventive, such as our initial introduction to Luger,
where we see him in a bar playing a deadly Russian roulette game with
another patron that involves a chainsaw, their necks and a pull on
the starter rope. Another funny sight is Luger's car: It's a
hollowed-out AMC Pacer made to look like a dune buggy. The film is
violent (plenty of gunshots to the head, a neck snapping, a man
turned into a fireball), funny (Chaz's first meeting with Luger
involves him holding a ticking bomb while Luger tries to disarm it)
and it has something to say about society and how it classifies
people (Luger says in one moment of weakness, "I don't want to
die!"). Some scenes reminded me of porn films, such as the stage
show at Cafe Death, which looks like a twisted take-off of CAFE
FLESH (1982). The jazz score, by Claude "Coffee"
Cave, is also highly unusual (and eerily effective) for a film of
this type. DEAD MAN WALKING
is by no means a great film, but it is a very interesting way to
spend 90 minutes. Worth your time. Also starring Sy Richardson, Biff
Yeager, Darwin Swalve and Diz McNally. A Republic
Pictures Home Video Release. Rated R.
DEAD
SPACE (1990) - When
Roger Corman starts ripping off his own material, you know it is
going to be a stinker (just look what happened when his company
remade Poe's MASQUE
OF THE RED DEATH
in 1989). This one is a
reworking of FORBIDDEN
WORLD
(a.k.a. MUTANT
- 1982), where a rampaging monster is killed by feeding it a
diseased, cancer-ridden human liver. DEAD
SPACE
offers the same premise: Space cop Marc Singer (a regular in Corman
films) answers a distress call on a distant planet where a team of
scientists are working on genetic experiments to combat a lethal new
disease. Soon they are combatting their genetic experiment as it
mutates into a new life form. It needs human flesh to survive.
Bullets and conventional weapons cannot stop it, so it is up to the
scientists to come up with a way to dispatch it while they are
horrendously murdered one by one. When it is learned that one of the
scientists (Bryan Cranston of TV's MALCOLM
IN THE MIDDLE
[2000 - 2006] and his triple Emmy Award-winning role as Walter White
in BREAKING BAD
[2008 - 2013]) has the lethal disease they originally were to find a
cure for, he offers his blood as a possible weapon against the
mutant. Singer, not satisfied with just his blood, offers the mutant
Cranston's entire body. The mutant chows down on Cranston's head and
dies, but not before giving birth to two baby mutants. Can the last
two survivors (Singer and Laura Tate) destroy the infants before they
become mother's milk? They do. (There, now you don't have to view
this excruciatingly bad film!) Even at 72 minutes, it is highly
padded and seems twice as long. The mutant is also a laughable
creation. When are filmmakers going to learn that you can't top the
creature from the ALIEN
series when you are only working with a fraction of its budget? If
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, what can be said of an
imitation of an imitation? Corman and crew should stick with making
erotic thrillers because that is where they excel. You would have to
have an empty head to enjoy DEAD
SPACE
(also released under the title BIOHAZARD
in some foreign territories). Directed by Fred Gallo, who also made DRACULA
RISING
(1993) and TERMINATION
MAN
(1997) for Corman. A Columbia-Tristar Home Video Release. Rated
R.
DIGITAL
MAN (1994) -
Short on logic but high in action, DIGITAL
MAN
makes for a pleasant 95 minutes for thrill seekers. A high-tech
military cyborg prototype (Matthias Hues of MISSION
OF JUSTICE
[1992]) is sabotaged
and goes on a murderous rampage in a small, almost deserted, ghost
town. The military (led by Ed Lauter) sends a team of well-equipped
soldiers (led by Ken Olandt of TVs SUPER
FORCE
[1990 - 1992]) to the town to destroy the Digital Man and retrieve
the launch codes (which could cause World War III) that he is
holding. The rest of the film is a series of hunt-and-kill scenes,
but with a difference. When one of the team is killed and it is
discovered that he was a cyborg, the rest of the team begin looking
at (and mistrusting) each other, not sure if they are cyborgs also.
The team must also defend the denizens of the town, including a
dimwit country bumpkin (Don Swayze, Patricks more-talented
brother) who tries to escape the town at the most inopportune times
and a government-hating, cigar-chewing broad (Susan Tyrrell) who is
more than she seems. Some good humor, excellent Steadicam work and
lots of nifty weaponry and explosions make DIGITAL
MAN
a cut above most direct-to-video fare. Director Phillip J. Roth is
kind of an expert at this type of film, as he has previously made PROTOTYPE
X29A
(1992) and A.P.E.X.
(1994), two above-average futuristic thrillers. Roth would later
direct the interesting VELOCITY TRAP
(1998), the very good (and intentionally funny) INTERCEPTOR
FORCE (1999) and it's equally good sequel INTERCEPTOR
FORCE 2 (2002), all starring action star Olivier
Gruner. Also starring Paul Gleason, Kristen Dalton and Adam
Baldwin. A Republic
Pictures Home Video Release. Rated
R.
DRIVING
FORCE (1989) - Weird
futuristic actioner in the vein of MAD MAX
(1979), but without the heady atmosphere. Widower Steve (Sam Jones; IN
GOLD WE TRUST - 1990) takes a job with the No Risk Towing
Company to support his young daughter Becky (Stephanie Mason), but
immediately butts heads with rival towing company The Black Knights,
which consists of leader Nelson (Don Swayze; TRAPPER
COUNTY WAR - 1989) and underlings Surf (Robert Marius; FIST
OF GLORY - 1991) and Pool (a badly-dubbed Billy Blanks),
Steve and The Black Knights trade blows and steal each others car
wrecks, which begins to piss-off Nelson a great deal. Complicating
matters are Becky's rich maternal grandparents, John (Gerald Gordon)
and Leslie (Renata Scott), who want to take custody of Becky (who is
wise beyond her young years) because they believe Steve is an unfit
father (and the fact that he never married their dead daughter). When
The Black Knights don't have enough business, they cause accidents
by booby-trapping the roads. Their latest victim is rich
businesswoman Harry (Catherine Bach; RAGE
AND HONOR - 1992), but Steve saves her in the nick of time
from the sexual advances of Surf and Pool. Steve and Harry soon
become romantically involved, but Steve worries how Becky will
respond to a new woman in their lives. It turns out to be totally
unfounded, as Becky and Harry immediately hit it off, but life
becomes complicated when both The Black Knights and Becky's
grandparents turn up the heat (The Black Knights set fire to Steve's
motorcycle and the grandparents hire some thugs to kidnap Becky).
When The Black Knights run Steve's tow truck off the road and Steve
is hospitalized (he also loses his job), it is the perfect excuse for
the grandparents to legally take possession of Becky. Steve and Harry
must find a way to get Becky back, especially since Leslie turns into
the grandmother from Hell and refuses to let Steve see Becky (She
tells Becky, "Your father doesn't love you anymore.").
Steve begins to unravel, so he decides to open his own towing company
with friend Pete (Ancel Cook). He builds his own indestructible tow
truck and soon becomes the premiere towing company in the area,
raking in the cash hand over fist. When Nelson learns he is dying of
lung cancer, he decides to go out with a bang, but he's not going
alone. He destroys Pete's garage and nearly kills Becky (who has run
away from her grandparents) when he, Surf and Pool push the trailer
she's in over a cliff (the film's most effective scene), forcing
Steve and his tow truck to go on a ride of vengeance. This sets the
stage for a bloody showdown, where both the good and the bad get
ugly. A strange mixture of action and soap opera elements
(maybe too much of the latter), DRIVING
FORCE can't make up its mind just what type of film it wants
to be. Director Andrew "A.J." Prowse (DEMONSTONE
- 1989; ATTACK OF THE GRYPHON
- 2006) handles the film's action scenes with aplomb, but falters
when it comes to the human element, as all the characters, with the
exception of Becky, are thinly-drawn and lack proper back stories
(especially Nelson, who is mean for the sake of being mean).
Thankfully, the action scenes, which include these strange-looking
miniature tow trucks (they look like a cross between converted dune
buggies and go-karts) crashing and exploding, work extremely well
thanks to Stunt Superintendent and Second Unit Director Grant Page,
who is Australia's top stuntman and whose exploits are documented in
such films as THE MAN FROM
HONG KONG (1975), DEATH
CHEATERS (1976) and STUNT
ROCK (1978). I was also hoping for more of the craziness
that was found in the beginning of the film, such as when Nelson and
Surf try to force severely injured accident victims to sign release
forms as they lay bleeding in their wrecked cars, but the film
quickly discards that quirkiness for more standard fare. As it
stands, this Philippines-lensed film passes muster (barely) thanks to
the energetic action scenes. The sci-fi aspects of Patrick
Edgeworth's screenplay are dropped very early on, so there's not much
on screen to make you believe this film takes place in the future.
Also starring James Brewer, Joey Aresco, Paul Holm and Nigel Hogge.
Originally released on VHS by Academy
Entertainment and not available on DVD. Rated R.
DUNE
WARRIORS (1990) - New California
2040 A.D.: A group of ruthless nomads, led by William (Luke Askew; ROLLING
THUNDER - 1977; FRAILTY
- 2001), destroy an entire village and kill all it's occupants
(including one by decapitation) in their search for water, which is
apparently scarcer than oil (William's gang drive around in
gas-guzzling, weapons-equipped vehicles straight out of THE
ROAD WARRIOR). Hot on William's trail is sword-weilding
warrior Michael (David Carradine), who wants William's head on a
stick for some past transgression. William sends his head goon, the
pith helmet-wearing Tomas (Nick Nicholson), on an advance mission to
a village known to contain plenty of water. The first thing Tomas
does when he reaches the village is kill the brother of village girl
Val (Jilliam McWhirter) to show he means business. Since the local
village men are too scared to take on Tomas and his small force of
men, who have taken over the village, Val escapes and begins a voyage
to search for some brave men to free her village from the tyranny.
Val runs smack-dab into a tribe of pygmie cannibals and is saved by
Michael, who drives her to Freetown, a village full of misfits and
mercenaries. After watching a motorcycle jousting tournament
and getting involved in a bar fight, Val and Michael recruit John
(Rick Hill), Dorian (Blake Byod) and Ricardo (Dante Varona) to help
Val regain control of her village before William arives in one week's
time. Along the way, they also recruit shotgun-toting female warrior
Miranda (Isabel Lopez), who knows about Michael's past with William,
but William stops her from telling the others. Val and her five
warriors regain control of her village rather easily and begin
training the villagers, who are mainly farmers, how to fight in
preparation for William's arrival. Val's fiance, Luis (Henry
Strzalkowski), becomes jealous when Val shows an interest in Dorian,
so he turns traitorous and frees Tomas, who warns William what is
waiting for him in the village. William has a hard time believing
that only five people could defeat Tomas' squad, so he sends an
advance force to kill them, which fails terribly. William eventually
recaptures the village and takes Val and Dorian prisoner, but in an
incredible stroke of luck (some would say too incredible), John finds
a cache of weapons and explosives hidden in a cave. He arms all the
villagers and they assault the village, while Michael and William
settle an old score, having a swordfight with each other in the
middle of the raging battlefield. Just what was their beef anyway?
Really, can someone please tell me? Is it derivative? Sure.
Reminiscent of countless post-nuke flicks, not to mention THE
SEVEN
SAMURAI
(1954)? Double check. Entertaining? Damn skippy. Director/producer
Cirio H. Santiago is an old hand at churning out these Filipino
post-apoctalyptic actioners, such as STRYKER
(1983), WHEELS OF FIRE
(1984), EQUALIZER 2000 (1986), THE
SISTERHOOD (1987) and RAIDERS
OF THE SUN (1991). Santiago is a competant director when
handling actions scenes and DUNE WARRIORS
is one non-stop action set-piece after another, with just enough
exposition to connect those scenes together. Santiago follows the
Roger Corman Principle (Corman financed many of Santiago's films,
including this one): Keep it short (this film is barely 77 minutes
long), keep it simple and give viewers what they expect, which is
explosions, gun battles, martial arts fights, gore and nudity (both
Jillian McWhirter and Isabel Lopez have topless scenes). Even David
Carradine, who was usually just slumming around in low-budget films
during this point in his career (KARATE
COP - 1991), looks to be having a good time here, playing an
"old timer" with an agenda. Most of the cast is made
up of Santiago regulars, including Rick Hill (THE
DEVASTATOR - 1985), Jillian McWhirter (STRANGLEHOLD
- 1994), Henry Strzalkowski (FIREHAWK
- 1992), Nick Nicholson (SILK
- 1986) and Joseph Zucchero (also this film's Editor), so making this
film must have been like working with family and friends (Santiago's
son, Christopher, was in charge of the production and worked on many
of his father's films). There's not much meat to T.C. McKelvey's
(Santiago's FIELD OF FIRE
- 1990) script, but it's apparent he was having some fun here, such
as when John says, "Take these assholes back to the
stockade......and no milk and cookies!" If you enjoy post-nuke
flicks, DUNE WARRIORS is
a pretty safe bet. The closing song that plays over the end credits
("Desert Heat" by The Score Warriors) sounds too much like
Joan Jett's "I Love Rock And Roll" to be a coincidence.
Also starring Val Garay, Bon Vibar, Jim Moss, Ned Hourani and Robert
Ginnivan. An RCA Columbia Pictures Home Video VHS Release. Not yet
available on DVD. Unbelievably, this has been released on Blu-Ray
by Code Red as a Screen
Archives exclusive in its original director's cut, with 15 extra
minutes of footage! Rated R.
EMPIRE
OF ASH (II) (1988) - In case you
are wondering why I am reviewing a sequel before the original, stop
wondering right now. This film is actually its own sequel, released
as EMPIRE OF ASH in 1988
and then re-released as EMPIRE
OF ASH II in 1989. I can't come up with another example of a
film ever doing this before or since, but once you watch this flick,
you'll hope no one ever puts you through this type of torture ever
again (Once is enough. Twice is unforgivable.). What we have here is
a Canadian tax shelter film that posts this eternal question: How can
we make a post-apocalyptic movie on a $1.98 budget (and that's
Canadian dollars!)? The answer seems to be: Find junker cars that
barely run, film it on roads in the middle of obviously green forests
(apocalypse asmockalypse!) or in rock quarries and use actors that
can't speak their lines without the use of cue cards. In the years
following the "Great Infection", a band of cut-rate ROAD
WARRIOR wannabes (another alternate title to this film is MANIAC
WARRIORS), led by an uber-religious nutjob called Shepherd
(Frank Wilson), roam an area known
as New Idaho looking for infected mutants to kill and non-infected
females to rape or get pregnant to propagate their species. A lone
female warrior named Danielle (Melanie Kilgour) teams up with escaped
military prisoner Orion (Thom Schioler) to look for Danielle's sister
Jasmine (Ann Louise Meyer), who has been kidnapped by Shepherd and
his gang. While Danielle is taking a topless shower in a cave, Orion
is knocked-out and kidnapped by some mutants (who look like the Sand
People in STAR WARS) and then
brought to their compound (an abandoned industrial park), where they
plan to drain and drink his blood and remove his bone marrow (the
mutants need the blood and marrow to combat their low white blood
cell count). Meanwhile, Shepherd and his warriors attack a human
settlement (actually an auto junkyard), where they kill all the men
and capture all the women (half of Shepherd's warriors are lesbians
dressed in black leather outfits). Danielle sneaks into the mutants'
compound and saves Orion's ass (he makes love to her as a way of
saying "Thanks!"). Orion enlists the aide of his father's
old army buddies, Iodine (James Stevens) and Chuck (Sandy MacKenzie),
to help them raid Shepherd's camp and rescue Jasmine. With a
cheapjack version of The Doors' "Born To Be Wild" playing
on the soundtrack, the quartet enter the camp, kill Shepherd and his
followers, save Jasmine and drive off into the sunset (The closing
tune on the soundtrack sounds too much like The Rolling Stones'
"[I Can't Get No] Satisfaction" to be a coincidence).
As I have stated previously, EMPIRE
OF ASH (II) is a cheap, cheesy flick with very little going
in its favor except for some unintentional humor (when a mutant drops
an IV bag of blood in the mud and it breaks, he scoops up the muddy
blood and tries to put it back into the bag!) and lots of low-rent
chases and shootouts. Co-directors Lloyd A. Simandl (CHAINED
HEAT 2 - 1993) and Michael Mazo (CRACKERJACK
- 1994), who would both go on to co-direct an actual sequel to this, EMPIRE
OF ASH III (a.k.a. LAST OF
THE WARRIORS - 1989), try their best with the screenplay
supplied by John Ogis, but the fact is the scope of the script far
surpasses what this film's paltry budget will allow. There are simply
too many characters to keep track of here and the film seems more
like a series of vignettes than an actual linear story. While the
acting is generally weak across the board, Simandl and Mazo at least
have the good sense to let the pretty females do some nude scenes and
spice-up the film with some blood and gore (bloody bullet squibs;
dismembered body parts), including the killing of children. Alas, the
action scenes have a substandard look to them, as the camera
placements are off and the blocking of the fight scenes are lousy.
Still, there are a few good tries and in-jokes, such as Iodine &
Chuck's firefight with some warriors that is staged like a videogame,
or Iodine throwing darts at a Jane Fonda magazine cover. It's not
nearly enough to overcome the general cheapness of the entire
production, though. The film is so threadbare, I'm surprised anyone
is wearing clothes. Also starring Misha Lachat, Eric Horsfall,
Michael Bernardo and David Gregg as "Rocket Man", who fires
rockets from a helmet he wears on his head. Originally released on
VHS by AIP Home Video
and not available on DVD. Not Rated.
ENDGAME
(1983) - Out of the numerous post-apocalyptic thrillers to come
out of Italy during the 80's, this is my absolute favorite. The
beginning of this film is similar to Steven King's story THE
RUNNING MAN, written around the same time this film was
being produced and was turned into a film in 1987 with the same name
starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Bronx has been turned into a
radioactive cesspool in the year 2025 and one of the very few
distractions the people have is a reality show called Endgame, where
three "hunters" try to kill the "prey", the
winner getting fabulous prizes (including a lifetime supply of
LifePlus, an energy drink that tastes like shit). On this, the 25th
episode of Endgame, the prey is former hunter Ron Shannon (Al Cliver)
and he is being stalked by three of the game's best hunters,
including personal enemy Kurt Karnak (big George Eastman, who wrote
the script as "Alex Carver"). It seems that this episode of
Endgame is serving a dual purpose as, while everyone in the city is
glued to their sets watching the show, the SS-like government, headed
by Col. Morgan (Gordon Mitchell), is systematically wiping out all
the Mutants, fearing that their superior powers (including telepathy
and the ability to read people's
minds) will lead to the government's downfall. During the middle of
the game, Shannon is contacted by telepathic mutant Lilith (Moira
Chen, a.k.a. "Laura Gemser") and is asked to escort her and
some fellow mutants out of the city where they will be safe.
Shannon's pay will be a fortune in gold. Shannon kills the first two
hunters and defeats Karnak (with Lilith's help), but spares his life.
He then runs afoul of the government when he saves Lilith from some
government goons. Shannon agrees to lead the Mutants out of the city
and hires Ninja (Al Yamanouchi), a (what else?) martial arts expert
and Kovack (Mario Pedone), a brute man, to come along as extra
muscle. After a brief run-in with Col. Morgan, where Karnak saves
Shannon's life (now they're even), Shannon starts leading the Mutants
out of the city, with Karnak not far behind. It's a long and deadly
trip and not everyone will survive. Expect to be entertained and
pleasantly surprised along the way. Much more literate and
creative than most Italian post-nuke films, director Joe D'Amato (he
uses the pseudonym "Steven Benson" here) anticipates
reality television over 15 years before it would become commonplace
and tosses in some pretty good set pieces to boot, including
telepathy used to defeat enemies remotely (as Lilith does in helping
Shannon Defeat Karnak in Endgame) and when they run into a town full
of psychopathic blind monks (who are also being controlled by an
enslaved telepathic mutant). That's not to say that ENDGAME
skimps on the action or violence, though. Heads are split open with
axes and run over by cars, there are numerous car and motorcycle
stunts and chases, stabbings, impalements, explosions, bullet squibs,
a nasty neck-twisting and dismemberments, not to mention acts of
self-sacrifice you don't normally see on films of this type. The real
surprise is Karnak's turnaround from bad to good guy. Or is he? You
are never sure until the finale (which is a hoot). There's also a
heartbreaking scene where Shannon and Lilith are speaking to each
other telepathically while she is being raped, only she talks to
Shannon as if nothing is going on because she does not want him to
know. Another unusual scene for a film of this type. On the minus
side, some of the Mutant makeups are shoddy (some of the members of a
renegade motorcycle gang look like outcasts from PLANET
OF THE APES) and, as usual, the dubbing is horrendous with
lines like, "Look at me while I rape you, damn it!"
littering the script. Don't let that deter you from watching this,
though (the late Joe D'Amato has said in several interviews that this
was his favorite film), because it really does have much more to say
than most Pastaland flicks. Future director Michele Soavi (THE
CHURCH - 1989) was one of the assistant directors here
(using the name "Mike Soft") and has a cameo at the end as
a helicopter pilot. D'Amato, better known for his horror films like BURIED
ALIVE (1979) and THE
GRIM REAPER (1980), made 2020
TEXAS GLADIATORS a year earlier (using the name "Kevin
Mancuso"). It's another above-average entry in the post-nuke
sweepstakes. Hunt them down if you get the chance. You won't be
disappointed. The future never looked so grim. Also starring Jack
Davis, Gus Stone (a.k.a. "Gabriele Tinti") and Nat
Williams. A Media
Home Entertainment Release. ENDGAME
is also available streaming on Amazon Prime. Not Rated.
EQUALIZER
2000 (1986) - "North
Alaska: A hundred years after the nuclear winter." The ice caps
have melted and most of the potable water has disappeared. The Earth
is nothing but a scorched shell and the remaining humans are ruled by
a brutal dictatorship known as The Ownership, whose main base sits on
top of the Alaskan oil pipeline. Those who control the oil controls
the world. A faction of the rebel forces, who are fighting for a
supply of oil, capture Ownership member Captain Slade (Richard
Norton) during a battle and hope to use him in a prisoner exchange,
but he escapes. Meanwhile, a sexy, leather-clad woman named Karen
(Corrine Wahl) rips-off a group of black marketeers (who dress like
Southern rebels during the Civil War), led by Alamo (Henry
Strzalkowski) and Deke (Robert Patrick), and takes off with a few
crates of their explosives (this was supposed to be a
gas-for-explosives trade, but when the goofballs put the moves on
Karen, all deals are off). This leads to a ROAD
WARRIOR-type car chase, which results in Slade saving
Karen's ass. Now, Slade is not only wanted by The Ownership (who
think he's a traitor) and the rebels, he's also on Alamo and Deke's
shit list. Karen takes a wounded Slade to her village to recover,
while The Ownership recruits Alamo and Deke's gang to look for Slade.
Dixon (Rex Cutter), the leader of Karen's village, has developed a multi-barreled
handheld weapon called the Equalizer 2000, capable of firing
bullets, shotgun shells, grenades and rockets. Slade helps
refine the weapon in hopes of using it against Colonel Lawton
(William Steis), a sadistic Ownership member and former friend of
Slade's who has become power-hungry. Lawton and his men travel the
barren landscape, killing anyone who don't agree with The Ownership
rules. Lawton eventually makes it to Karen's village and a huge
firefight breaks out, but Slade and the Equalizer 2000 manage to hold
Lawton back until the villagers escape to safety. Once Lawton sees
the new weapon, he must have it, so he orders his men to get it any
way they can. Alamo and Deke manage to steal the weapon, kidnap Karen
and break off from The Ownership. Deke betrays Alamo (never trust a
black marketeer) and takes off with the weapon, giving it to Lawton
(and paying for it with his life). Lawton uses the Equalizer 2000 to
take control of The Ownership and the finale finds Karen's village
joining Slade and the rebels in storming The Ownership's
headquarters. After the good guys win, Slade destroys the Equalizer
2000, so no one else is tempted to take over the world. Everyone else
throws their weapons into a bonfire and they all live happily ever
after. Except Karen. She's dead. Excuse me while I wipe the tears
from my eyes. Yes, this is another one of Filipino director
Cirio H. Santiago's many post-nuke films, which include STRYKER
(1983), WHEELS OF FIRE (1984), THE
SISTERHOOD (1987), DUNE WARRIORS
(1990) and RAIDERS
OF THE SUN
(1991; also starring Richard Norton). Viewers of SUN should be
very familiar with this film, since many of EQUALIZER
2000's action scenes were used in SUN in a typical
Roger Corman (who financed both films) cost-cutting manner. If you've
seen any of Santiago's post-nuke flicks, you know what to expect
here: Plenty of explosions, gunfights and chases with a minimum of
plot. Nothing more, nothing less. It's interesting to note how bad an
actor Robert Patrick was when he first started in the business.
Besides appearing in the abysmal WARLORDS
FROM HELL (1985), Patrick also starred in Santiago's FUTURE
HUNTERS (1986), EYE
OF THE EAGLE (1987) and BEHIND
ENEMY LINES (1987), and he's terrible in all of them,
screaming out his lines and mugging for the camera. He's calmed down
a lot since then and has made his mark on TV (THE
X-FILES [1993 - 2002]; THE UNIT
[2006 - 2009]; SCORPION
[2014 -Present]) and films (THE
MARINE - 2006). Santiago also utilizes his regular stable of
actors here. Besides the ones already mentioned, there's Frederick
Bailey (DEMON OF PARADISE
- 1987; also this film's scripter), Don Gordon Bell, Ramon D'Salva,
Peter Shilton, Steve Cook, Bobby Greenwood, Nick Nicholson, Eric Hahn
and Filipino staple Vic Diaz as Bone, a member of the spear-carrying
Mountain People. Don't go in with your expectations too high and you
may have fun with this film, also known as DEFENDER
2000. Santiago produced this using the pseudonym
"Leonard Hermes". Be aware that the R-rated VHS
version distributed by MGM/UA
Home Video in 1987 is the 77 minute version and is missing
nearly 8 minutes of footage, including a rape committed on Karen and
a nude sex scene involving Karen and Slade (this edit cuts away just
as it is getting interesting). I believe the only uncut edition is
available on Japanese VHS, but all the nudity is optically
fogged-out. Note: Now available on a beautiful uncut
Blu-Ray from Code Red. Rated
R.
ESCAPE
FROM GALAXY 3 (1981) -
Lower-tier Italian sci-fi flick that tried to pass itself off as a sequel
to STARCRASH (1978), only it doesn't
star Caroline Munro, Marjoe Gortner or even David Hasselhoff and it
wasn't directed by Luigi Cozzi. While that film had a playful sense
of lunacy, this film is boring for its idiocy and surprising turn at
the halfway mark. Not that the "surprise" is entertaining,
it was just unexpected (I should have translated the original Italian title!).
Ceylon (Chris Avram, using his real name "Auran Cristea"; A
BAY OF BLOOD - 1971), the King of a galaxy far, far away is
attacked by Oraclon (Don Powell; BLACK
EMANUELLE - 1975; who also supplied this film's disco
soundtrack), the "King Of The Dark", and his race of
African American aliens! ("It's Oraclon, The King of the
Night!"). Ceylon's daughter, Belle Star (Cheryl Buchanan; DOCTOR
BUTCHER M.D. - 1980) and Lithan (Fausto Di Bella, using the
pseudonym "James Milton"; TORSO
- 1973) vow to fight Oraclon until their last dying breath (it's
almost like they have given up hope!). The problem is, Oraclon has
more advanced weapons than they do, except for "Plan
Epsilon", a prototype weapon that has yet to be tested. Ceylon
then says, "I hereby declare a state of emercency. Everybody to
their posts!" We are then on Oraclon's ship, where he orders his
lily white underling Jemar (Max Turilli; ZONE
TROOPERS - 1985) to get in touch with Ceylon. Oraclon (who
dresses like Ming The
Merciless in FLASH GORDON
- 1980) tells Ceylon to surrender, but he refuses and there is a
battle in space (borrowing footage from Luigi Cozzi's film). Before
you can say "I should have surrendered!". Ceylon's central
computer is destroyed, so he sends Belle and Lithan out of the galaxy
to find an ally (that we never meet) to help them defeat Oraclon. The
rest of the film details the duo's "adventures" as they try
to find the elusive ally (maybe he doesn't want to be found!). What
they don't know is that Ceylon has been killed, his spaceship
destroyed and exploding. They meet a race of clueless aliens, learn
how to make love, get drunk, eat chicken with their bare hands (!),
dance to disco music and other innocuous adventures before the film
finally ends and we can take out eyes off the clock. Will love defeat
Oraclon? Will the laser beams that shoot out of Lithan's hands
castrate him when he masturbates? Whatever happened to "Plan
Epsilon"? A fun time was had by none.
This film lacks the playfulness of Luigi Cozzi's film, as well as
it's cheezy stop-motion animation, rather relying on space science
mumbo-jumbo ("Fire up the irridium laser rays!") and
bottom-of-the-barrel special effects (including reversing footage
that shows Lithan jumping a high distance). The only things this has
in common with STARCRASH are
the costumes and the sexy outfits Cheryl Buchanan wears, showing off
her best "assets". Otherwise, this is an excruciating bore
that offers nothing in the way of entertainment value. Director/co-screenwriter
Bitto Albertini (HUMAN
COBRAS - 1971; ZAMBO,
KING OF THE JUNGLE - 1972), here using the pseudonym
"Ben Norman", has no idea what makes a science fiction film
work, even going as far as to have one race of aliens dress as if
they were ancient Romans, using costumes probably left over from some
Italian peplum flick. To keep costs down, this race of aliens don't
have bow and arrows or spears, they just throw rocks! This film's
idea of "comedy" is Belle & Lithan mimicking an alien
couple who are kissing, because Belle & Lithan's race don't touch
each other to show love. As a matter of fact, for the last 45 minutes
of the film, it turns into a softcore sex flick, more interested in
showing Belle and Lithan's sexual awakening, as Lithan and a male
alien member get into a competition to be the first one to pop
Belle's cherry, but it is so sloppily done, it is not titillating at
all. The film's shooting title was Giochi erotici nella terza galassia
("Erotic Games In The Third Galaxy"), but the only
eroticism you will experience would not shock a grade schooler. I'm
not sure if Albertini wanted to make a science fiction or sex film
(much in the same way as Alfonso Brescia's X-Rated THE
BEAST IN SPACE - 1980), but he failed on both counts. I
tried to find something positive to say about this film, but damned
if I could find it. It's not even worthwhile for an unintentional
laugh. Oh, and those Roman-dressing aliens? Turns out they are human
and the planet Belle and Lithan landed on was ancient Earth!
It's no mystery why this film never had a U.S. theatrical release or
that it fell into the Public Domain (PD). It's just bad. It had
numerous VHS releases (most notably by Prism
Entertainment) and is available on many multi-film DVD
compilations, like Mill Creek Entertainment's
Sci-Fi
Invasion 50 Movie Classic Features, which is how I viewed it.
Don't look for this to be released on Blu-Ray anytime soon, because a
company would have to be retarded or braindead to give this the
deluxe treatment (OK, maybe Code Red!). Also known as SPACE
TRAP. Also starring Alex Macedon, Margaret Rose, Attilio
Dottesio, Eugenia Dominici and Ottaviano Dell'Acqua (BLASTFIGHTER
- 1984) as the alien who gets into the cherry-popping contest with
Lithan. Not Rated, but it would probably get an R-Rating due
to the frequent nudity, including quick full-frontal shots of Buchanan.
EVILS
OF THE NIGHT (1984) - Take
one look at the cast and you know that you're in for something
painful. The film opens with four overage teenagers at a midnight
excursion in the woods enjoying such common things
as underwater fellatio and doggie-style sex. They are abducted by a
race of aliens (led by Tina Louise, Julie Newmar and John Carradine)
who remove their blood platelets which will increase the aliens'
lifespans. The aliens set up shop in an abandoned hospital and pay
bumbling garage mechanics Neville Brand and Aldo Ray (in career
busting performances) gold coins to help them with the abductions.
The aliens need 10 people between the ages of 16 and 24 within the
next two days to complete their experiments. The grease jockey duo
kidnap and hold three teenagers in their garage while they wait for
the aliens to contact them. Brand gets horny and tries to rape one of
the girls. She fights back and Brand power drills her through the
stomach. He goes after the other girl and ends up crushed under an
hydraulic car lift. After seeing his buddy lying dead with a bloody
sucking chest wound, Ray assaults the poor girl and gets an air hose
shoved in his ear by another girl who has escaped from the alien
hospital (she shoves it in his right ear and blood spurts out of his
left one!). This severely disturbs Ray, who grabs an axe and chops
the hospital girl to pieces. The departing aliens kill Ray with a
green death ray as payment for a job well done. EVILS
contains plenty of gratuitous sex and nudity in its first 30 minutes,
but goes for a deep slide after the story kicks in. It's painful to
listen to the actors speak such ridiculous line as: Brand:
"I sure would like to hump one of those girls!" Ray:
"Why not? We've done it before!" After Newmar finds
Louise's head caved in on the hospital floor she utters this immortal
line: "She's been expunged!" Triple threat Mardi Rustam
(who directed, produced and wrote this mess and used the same
bumbling/raping grease monkey premise in the piecemeal film EVIL
TOWN [1974/1985]) also executive produced Greydon Clark's THE
BAD BUNCH
(1976). One question: If the former Ginger, Tina Louise, refused to
appear in the GILLIGAN'S
ISLAND
reunion TV movies, why did she agree to star in this abomination (and
others, like HELL RIDERS
[1984])? EVILS
OF THE NIGHT
is an embarrassment for all those involved. A Lightning
Video VHS Release. Available on fullscreen DVD from Media
Blasters/Shriek Show. Also available on widescreen
DVD from Gorgon Video/MPI
Home Video, which also contains the TV Version, which cuts out
nearly all the gore and all the nudity, but has extra footage not
seen in the theatrical release. Rated
R.
EXTERMINATORS
OF THE YEAR 3000 (1983) -
This Italian/Spanish co-production is one of the worst ROAD WARRIOR
(1982) imitations that I have ever seen and I've seen plenty. In a
post-nuclear apocalypse world, the Earth is running dangerously low
on drinkable water and it hasn't rained in over a hundred years. A
town of scientists experimenting in hydroponics sends a convoy of
tanker trucks out to a secret location where water is plentiful, but
on their way there they are attacked by the Exterminators, a band of
dirtbike and dune buggy-riding mutants led by Crazy Bull (Fred
Harris). The only survivor of the attack is ten year-old Tommy (Luca
Vententini) and he enlists the help Alien (Robert Jannucci), a loner
anti-hero (in the mold of you-know-who), to help him bring
a tanker full of water back to his town. At first, Tommy get's on
Alien's nerves (he sure got on mine), but after a few close calls
together, they become to depend on each other and Alien becomes
somewhat of a father figure to Tommy (whose real father died at the
Exterminators' hands a short while ago). After Tommy has an accident,
Alien takes him to a mechanic named Papillon (Alan Collins) for
repairs (turns out Tommy has some bionic parts) and he gives Tommy an
upgrade. Alien meets old flame Trash (Alicia Moro) and Tommy tells
her the secret location of the water (he still, at this point, has
trust issues with Alien). Trash and Alien go to the site and find the
water, but must deal with some angry religious zealots who guard the
water and work their way around various booby traps (not to mention
being double-crossed by Trash) before making the long journey back to
Tommy's town. Expect lots of resistance from Crazy Bull and his gang
of Exterminators (who he keeps calling "mother grabbers"
and "ball breakers") on the return trip. After an accident
depletes the supply of water, all hope is lost. Or is it? Hey Alien:
Are you crying or is it raining for the first time in over a hundred
years? Quite simply put, George Miller should have sued. Not
only are entire scenes copied from THE
ROAD WARRIOR, characters are as well (Fred Harris is made to
look the spitting image of Vernon Wells). Director Giuliano Carnimeo
(using the pseudonym "Jules Harrison"), who also directed THE
RAT MAN (1987) under the name "Anthony Ascott",
just substitutes water for oil and, voila!, he has an
"original" film. My hopes were briefly lifted when Tommy
was tied between two motorcycles and his arm is torn off, but then it
turns out he has a bionic arm and he wasn't hurt. To add insult to
injury, Alien picks up the arm and duct tapes it to Tommy's shoulder
(!) until he can have it attached properly. Tommy also gets drunk on
beer at one point, proving that the Italians never heard of child
labor laws. The fact that it took three people to write the
threadbare script (including genre vet Dardano Sacchetti) and the
best they could come up with are lines like, "A snake bite is
better than a kiss from you!" and "Unleash the dogs of
war!", shows what little original thought went into EXTERMINATORS
OF THE YEAR 3000. They already had a blueprint to follow, so
why try, right? Wrong. There are serious amounts of dead air in this
film and the action scenes are not very exciting or staged very well
and there's too much reliance on slow motion. There's plenty of
violence as people are shot in the head, blown up or run over and
there's lots of chases and explosions, but there's nothing here you
haven't seen done better in other films, like THE ROAD WARRIOR!
Not worth your time or patience (and you'll need plenty). Also known
as DEATH WARRIORS. Also
starring Eduardo Fajardo, Beryl Cunningham and Anna Orso. A Thorn
EMI Video VHS Release. Also available on fullscreen
DVD by Code Red, which
in now OOP. Available on widescreen Blu-Ray
from Scream Factory. Rated
R.
THE
EYES BEHIND THE STARS (1977) -
I remember coming home late from a night of boozing sometime in the
early 80's and turning on the TV (to CBS TV's The Late Late Show)
just as this flick was starting. The mixture of rocket fuel in my
system and the eerie vibe this film possessed creeped me out at the
time and I never forgot the experience. Since I am a glutton for
punishment, I decided to watch this again over twenty five years
later, this time perfectly sober. Knowing full well that I would
probably be bitterly disappointed, I was pleasantly surprised when I
wasn't. The film starts off like a ufologist's version of BLOW-UP
(1966) where fashion photographer Peter Collins (Franco Garofalo)
notices something strange in the background of one of the photos he
has taken. He goes back to the location to investigate when he is
chased and captured by aliens and brought aboard their spacecraft,
where he is put on a table and probed. Peter's
model friend, Karen (Sherry Buchanan), goes to his studio and finds
the negative of the photo. She calls her friend Tony (Robert
Hoffman), a reporter for the Daily Herald, who comes over and takes
the negative with him. Right after Tony leaves, a blinding flash of
light engulfs the studio and all the photos disappear. Karen walks
out of the studio in a trance and disappears. The next day, the
police, headed by Inspector Grant (Martin Balsam, badly dubbed with
an English accent), find Peter and Karen's vehicles abandoned in a
park, a huge circular burn in the grass nearby. Tony begins an
investigation and finds out that an old man and his dog were blinded
that night a short distance away from the cars and that there were
multiple reports of UFO sightings that night. The old man dies soon
after (of radiation poisoning) and the military covers it up. Tony
become suspicious and consults a noted ufologist, who tells him that
UFOs are real and the military is aware and may be working in
conjunction with them for nefarious reasons. He gives Tony some top
secret documents and tells him to be careful. Soon, the aliens
and the military are trying to silence Tony and everyone Tony talks
to ends up dead or too scared to talk. Can Tony get the information
out to the public before the Men In Black (yes, they're here, but
they are called "Silencers") and aliens shut Tony's trap
for good? Prepare yourself for a nihilistic ending. A mixture
of paranoia, deceit and uncertainty permeate every frame of this
film. The eerie electronic score, along with the use of fisheye
lenses, give the film an otherworldly quality that greatly enhances
the atmosphere. Director/screenwriter Roy Garrett (real name: Mario
Gariazzo), who also directed the abysmal BROTHER
FROM SPACE (1984) and the even hoarier THE
COMING OF ALIENS (1978), which both also deal with
extraterrestrial visitations, gives us a straight-up verbal history
of UFO cover-ups across the world, all wrapped up in this little
tale. He should know because during his opening directorial credit it
states that he's a member of the National Investigation Committee on
Aerial Phenomena (NICAP) and a field investigator for the Aerial
Phenomena Research Organization (APRO). I don't know if any of that
is true (Garrett died in 2002), but he sure does play everything that
goes on in this film very seriously. On the minus side, the aliens
are laughable. They're basically men in silver jumpsuits with a huge
visor to hide their faces. The dubbing is also atrocious. Everyone
speaks with a proper English accent even though it's abundantly clear
that this wasn't filmed in England (the steering wheels on the cars
are on the wrong side). EYES
BEHIND THE STARS is still a pretty decent tale of government
cover-ups, paranoia and trying to get to the truth, one of the true
precursors to THE X-FILES
(1993 - 2002). Also starring Nathalie Delon, Victor Valente, Sergio
Rossi, Anthony Freeman and George Ardisson. A VCI
Video Release. Also available on a double
feature DVD (with UFO:
TARGET EARTH - 1974) from Alpha
Video. This can also be had as part of Brentwood Communications'
20 movie DVD compilation titled SPACE
QUEST and Mill Creek Entertainment's SCI-FI
INVASION 50 MOVIE DVD Compilation. Not Rated, but
nothing really objectionable.
THE
FINAL EXECUTIONER (1983) -
This is another in a long line of Italian post-nuke films that
flooded the marketplace during the 80's. After stock shots of atomic
bomb explosions and volcano eruptions, a voice-over informs us that
the future world contains two societies: The wealthy minority who are
uncontaminated and the radiation-diseased majority. The wealthy amuse
themselves by playing "The Hunt", a sick game where they
hunt infected humans for fun, profit and bragging rights. Future
hunters Erasmus (Harrison Muller of SHE
[1983]) and Edra (Marina Costa) are competitors in the latest hunt;
the prize being ownership of a white sniper rifle (One hunter says,
"Whoever painted it
didn't know the color of bullshit!"). Edra and her group
savagely gun down over 25 people while Erasmus takes a more hands-on
approach and kills six people with a samurai sword. Since Edra also
killed six people, she and Erasmus are tied in the competition. They
capture player Alan Tanner (William Mang) and decide to let him go
(after raping and killing his wife!), agreeing that whoever hunts him
down and kills him will win the game. After being shot by Edra and
presumed dead, Alan is rescued by old-timer ex-cop Sam (Woody
Strode). After repairing Sam's car, Alan and Sam stakeout a food
drop, where they witness gangs of infected people fight each other to
the death for tins of meat. We then find out that Alan had proof that
the Earth and it's people are no longer infected by radiation and he
was made "target material" by the wealthy minority, who
don't wish the world to know the truth. After Sam teaches Alan
fighting and survival techniques, Alan sets out to get revenge on
those who raped and killed his wife. It won't be that easy since
Erasmus and Edra still have a contest to win. Alan infiltrates the
Hunters' compound and begins killing everyone there one-by-one (he
even boobytraps a motorcycle so that when one female hunter tries to
get away on it, it explodes underneath her). In the finale, it's Alan
against Erasmus and Edra, where Alan gets an unexpected hand from
Sam, just when things look hopeless. This is a pretty weak
apocalyptic tale thanks to the almost non-existant blood and gore. THE
FINAL EXECUTIONER is plenty violent, as people are shot,
stabbed, punched and blown up, but very little of it is bloody. The
action scenes are handled well, but there's an over-reliance of
slow-motion shots and nearly every death is handled this way. As with
many Italian films of this type, there's a brutal rape which leads to
the death of the woman being raped. This film is not without some
effective moments, though. The Hunters have this device they put on
their heads which allows their memories to be displayed on a TV
screen and everyone gathers around to watch them like it's a night
out at the movies. When one hunter puts the device on his head, it
plays back the brutal rape. Hunter Diana (Margi Newton) gets
turned-on from watching it and ends up screwing the guy projecting
the memory. One wishes that director Romolo Guerrieri (THE
SWEET BODY OF DEBORAH - 1968; COVERT
ACTION - 1978) would have used more of these imaginative
moments instead of focusing much of the screen time on William Mang
as Alan. Mang has such an unexpressive face, it's hard to tell if
he's taking a shit or just pissed off at the world. Another Italian
post-nuke flick, ENDGAME (1983), told
nearly the same story much more effectively and violently. Cannon
Films handled the theatrical distribution for this. Also starring
Maria Romano, Karl Zinny, Giovanni Cianfriglia, Renato Miracco and
Stefano Davanzati. An MGM/UA
Home Video Release. Not Rated.
FIST
OF STEEL (1991) - Teddy Page
directs a post-nuke flick! After some stock footage of an atom bomb
explosion (you know the footage I'm talking about), we watch Amp
(Dale "Apollo" Cook; FIST
OF GLORY - 1991) and girlfriend Lyssa (Cynthia Khan; IN
THE LINE OF DUTY 5 - 1990) trying to escape through the
bleak landscape, only to be recaptured by a band of roving nomads,
led by the dentally-challenged Mainframe (Gregg Douglass). Mainframe
snaps Lyssa's neck and has his men crucify Amp in the sand (Which
raises the question: How do the spikes driven through Amp's hands
hold him in the sand?), but an unexpected sandstorm offers Amp an
opportunity to escape. Amp stumbles through the desert until he is
found by female villager Wild (Khan again), who brings Amp back to
her village. The village leader (Mike Monty) doesn't approve of Amp's
presence (Amp is a fighter called a "Spiker", who fights in
tournaments for food and water), so as soon as Amp's wounds are
healed, he leaves the village with an unwanted Wild in tow. It's a
good thing she left with Amp,
because a short time later, Mainframe's men invade her village
looking for Amp and murder everyone when they don't find him. Amp and
Wild travel from village to village, surviving on food and water Amp
wins in Spiker tournaments. Amp teaches Wild the finer points of
fighting so she can pull her own weight. After battling some mutant
sand lepers, Amp and Wild end up in the next settlement, where Amp is
reunited with old friend Scudder (Jim Gaines; JUNGLE
RATS - 1987), an ex-Spiker who gave up fighting due to a
traumatic event in his past. Amp enters into a tournament where the
winner will fight the champion fighter, Mainframe, in the Spiker
Championship Tournament. Amp takes on a series of increasingly
difficult opponents and ends up the winner, but Mainframe's
second-in-command, Wires (Don Nakaya Neilsen), nearly wrecks Amp's
chances of getting even with Mainframe. The sand lepers kidnap our
heroic trio and Amp is forced to fight their best fighter to the
death. After Amp defeats the rotting-faced leper, the trio head to
the next village, where Amp faces Mainframe in a final battle to the
death. Though nothing but a series of increasingly complex
martial arts fights, FIST OF STEEL (also known as ETERNAL
FIST) is an enjoyably goofy and bloody Filipino actioner.
Late director Teddy Page (BLOOD
DEBTS - 1983; WAR
WITHOUT END - 1986), using his "Irving Johnson"
pseudonym, and screenwriter Anthony Jesu have fashioned a fast-paced,
if derivative, post-apocalypse tale that's short on plot, but
contains more than enough bloody violence and even some comedy
(Filipino staple Nick Nicholson is a hoot as a pot-smoking fight
promoter) that fans of this genre should enjoy. There's nary a dull
moment here, as people are pummeled, beaten to a bloody pulp,
stabbed, shot with a crossbow, axed in the head or run-through with
spears. What you won't find here, which is highly unusual for a film
in this genre, is gunplay of any kind. Guns don't exist in this
universe, as everyone either carries spears, knives, crossbows or
other edged weapons. Mainframe and his men still drive around in dune
buggies and gas is mentioned as a highly sought-after commodity, but
there is not one mention of guns. I find that very refreshing, even
though I'm sure the only reason we don't see firepower of any kind
was strictly a cost-cutting measure on the production end. Bullet
squibs and blanks aren't cheap, you know. This film has several
"What The Fuck?!?" moments, including Mainframe's gleeful
killing of Scudder (Gregg Douglass clearly relishes his role, which
makes his limited screen time a treat for viewers) and Amp getting
drunk and coming-on to Wild by asking, "I guess a blowjob is out
of the question?" The fighting scenes are solidly filmed and
well choreographed and the acting by Cook (who made BLOOD
RING with Page the same year), Khan and Gaines gets the job
done without being embarrassing, which is surprising, since Cook is
usually stiffer than a corpse in Winter in all the other films I have
seen him in (Try watching AMERICAN
KICKBOXER 2 [1993] sometime). If you can imagine a post-nuke
flick without all the normal pyrotechnics you've come to expect, give FIST
OF STEEL a try. You may just find yourself liking it. Also
starring Ned Hourani, Crist Agular, Big Boy Gomez, Paul Petterson,
Adnan Trad, Craig Judd and David Giberson. An Action
International Pictures Home Video VHS Release. Not available on
DVD. Not Rated.
FOOD
OF THE GODS (1976) - A lot
of people believe the giant monster films of director/producer/writer
Bert I. Gordon are worthless pieces of crap, but I believe they miss
the point. They were a mixture of the sign of their times with lots
of camp value and I still believe that Mr. B.I.G. (who is still alive
today at 93 years-young at the time this review was written) meant
them to be nothing other than entertainment. Cheap, goofy
entertainment. His 1950's giant monster flicks, BEGINNING
OF THE END (1957; giant grasshoppers!); THE
CYCLOPS (1957); THE
AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN (1957); its sequel WAR
OF THE COLOSSAL BEAST (1958; the last three dealing with
giant human men); and EARTH
VS. THE SPIDER (1958; self explanatory), all dealt with the
paranoia of atomic bombs and their after-effects (Even
as a child of the early 60's, I saw the ridiculousness of the
"Duck and Cover" routine we had to perform in school every
day). Gordon even made a reverse version of his giant people films
with ATTACK OF THE
PUPPET PEOPLE in 1958, his 1965 VILLAGE
OF THE GIANTS (actually his first attempt to film the H.G.
Wells story) dealt with teenage rebellion against authority in their
lives (the film is worth it just to see a young, giant Beau Bridges
dancing in a toga and the crazy midget ending!), and this film and
his EMPIRE OF THE ANTS
(1977) were about how we fucked with the ecology too much until
Mother Nature decided to take revenge. All these films were products
of their times, but they made no political statements; they were made
to be quick cheap entertainmant (If you can't find most of Gordon's
50's monster films on U.S. DVD, blame Susan Hart, the widow of
American International Pictures co-founder James H. Nicholson, who is
holding these and other A.I.P. films hostage because she wants an
enormous amount of money for their DVD or Blu-Ray releases and no
company is crazy enough to believe they would make their investment
back. I haven't seen some of them since their TV showings in the
1970's and I refuse to watch the MST 3000 versions because they are
heavily edited to run in an alotted time.). Mr. Gordon was also
capable of making serious films, such as the horror film TORMENTED
(1960); the thriller PICTURE
MOMMY DEAD (1966); the extremely bloody and surprising action
film THE POLICE CONNECTION
(1972; stay away from versions on VHS titled THE
MAD BOMBER because they are heavily edited TV versions.
Invest in the beautiful uncut Code Red DVD.); the supernatual-tinged
PG-Rated NECROMANCY (1972;
which had softcore orgy footage added in the early-80's and was
released Unrated on VHS as THE WITCHING.
It is nearly impossible to see the original version now and Orson
Wells was livid when he found out that his 1972 film was altered
without his or Mr. Gordon's permission, turning the film into a
sexploitation item.); the Salem, Massachusetts-lensed witchcraft film BURNED
AT THE STAKE (1981; a.k.a. THE COMING);
another bloody supernatural film called SATAN'S
PRINCESS (1990) and a film I never heard of before, SECRETS
OF A PSYCHOPATH (2014), which Mr. Gordon made when he was 92
years-old! He also made a couple of fantasies and three sex comedies
in the 60's, 70's & 80's. I happen to think that FOOD OF THE GODS
is Bert I. Gordon's best giant animal film, because the effects are
better (even when you take the obviously fake puppets heads out of
the equation), there are many different species of giant animals and
insects, there are some downright atmospheric scenes (The forced
perspective shots are a lot better than normal) and there's a
gruesomeness factor not seen in most films Rated PG. The film is
narrated by professional football player Morgan (Marjoe Gortner; BOBBIE
JO AND THE OUTLAW - 1975), as his coach suggests that he and
a couple of his friends take a small vacation before the big game
(Professional football has changed a lot since 1976!). so Morgan's
friend Davis (Chuck Courtney) and P.R. man Brian (Jon Cypher; BLADE
- 1972), take a nice peaceful trip to a secluded island, but
something sticks in Morgan's mind that his father told him when
he was a child: "Morgan, one of these days Earth will get even
with man for messing her up with his garbage, Just let man continue
to pollute the Earth the way he is and nature will rebel. It's going
to be one hell of a rebellion." Morgan, his friends and some
strangers are going to have a first-hand look at that rebellion
sooner than they think. The first thing Morgan and his two friends do
is ride horses while two hunting dogs chase a deer. Once to dogs
corner the doe, Morgan lets it go, but Davis wants to kill it, so he
heads out on horseback to go after it. All of a sudden the horse
bolts and Davis is thrown off while we hear a buzzing sound in the
air. Davis is then attacked by giant wasps (done with Gordon's usual
superimposition and practical effects) and when his friends hear
Davis' yells for help, they arrive too late. When Morgan turns over
his body, we see that Davis' face is grossly swollen (an effect that
could never be shown in a PG film today). While Brian stays with the
body, Morgan goes looking for some help and finds the Skinner Farm,
but when he knocks on the door, no one answers. He hears a noise
coming from a nearby shed, so he opens it and is attacked and nearly
pecked to death by giant chickens (the heads are obviously plastic
puppets) and barely makes it out of the shed alive. Then he meets
Mrs. Skinner (Ida Lupino; THE
DEVIL'S RAIN - 1975), who begs Morgan to come into the house
to look at something. Morgan notices some rat holes in the walls and
Mrs. Skinner tells Morgan that there's a white goop that is somewhere
on the farm's ground. No animal will eat it unless it is mixed with
feed, but only the young grow to huge heights, the adults remain the
same, but the adults don't live too long, because in Mrs. Skinner's
words the young ones "et them". She also says that the
white goop is "the way it comes to us from the Lord": out
of a hole in the ground. Morgan notices a wasp on a jar marked with
"F.O.T.G." and knows this is the substance that is causing
all the problems. Morgan and Brian take Davis' body back to the
mainland for burial (the only way to and from the island is by
ferry), while Mrs. Skinner is left by herself and has her hand
attacked and mutilated by some giant slug-like creatures (it's bloody
and pushes the PG boundary again). Mr. Skinner (John McLiam) comes
back from the mainland after making a deal with some company about
selling the white goop. He hopes it will solve the world hunger
problem. He drives his VW Beetle on the road back to his farm when he
gets a flat tire. He goes out to change it when he notices a pack of
giant rats heading his way. He jumps in his car and locks all the
doors, but it is little help as the rats (or rather rat puppet heads,
which this time are rather good) break the car's windows and make a
meal out of Mr. Skinner (another very bloody scene). At Davis'
autopsy, the coroner states that Davis died from no less than 250
wasp stings, so Morgan and Brian head back to the island to warn Mrs.
Skinner, while the callous company representative that Mr. Skinner
hired to handle the sale of the goop, Mr. Bensington (Ralph Meeker; WITHOUT
WARNING - 1979) and his disgusted assistant, Lorna (Pamela
Franklin; THE LEGEND OF
HELL HOUSE - 1973) arrive at the Skinner Farm, not even
bothering to stop and help Tom (Tom Stovall) and his very pregnant
wife Rita (Belinda Balaski; PIRANHA
- 1977) get their RV out of the mud they are stuck in and never see
Mr. Skinner's totally wrecked Beetle. Yes, Bensington is a real
bastard and it begins to worry Mrs. Skinner, who is afraid that he
will takes all of their goop and leave her with nothing (which he
would have done if not for the interference of Lorna, who has a
conscience and knows how Bensington works). Morgan and Brian just
arrive in the nick of time and skeet shoot some giant wasps as they
begin to attack Bensington, but, being the heartless bastard that he
is, he doesn't even say thanks, rather telling them that he owns the
goop lock, stock and barrel. Morgan and Brian find the giant wasps'
nest and blow it up with a homemade bomb. Lorna falls down a giant
rat hole and Morgan goes in to fetch her, but a cave-in force them to
look for another way to escape, which they do with the help of Morgan
and Brian's shotguns (Rats are shot in slow motion with red
paintballs, and any one who has been shot in an unprotected area with
a paintball knows how much it hurts, so I am sure some rats were
killed in this film). After Brian saves their skins, they discover
Bensington filling his Caddy's trunk up with jars of the goop and
plans to drive through the rats with his car. Morgan and Brian take
the Jeep out to see how many rats they are dealing with (Driving a
Jeep with no roof? Good luck Sherlock!) and discover hundreds of rats
and the RV is swarming with them (Luckily, Tom and Rita have made it
to the Skinner Farm). Morgan seems to have a
plan: Rodeo the rats into the lake by electrifying the fence with a
portable generator and hoping the rats will drown (Brian says,
"Rats can swim! Have you ever seen a hippo sink to the
bottom?"). It works for a moment, but the rats disable the
generator. Of course, as soon as Brian says that, he is devoured by
some pissed-off giant rats (another very bloody scene). When Morgan
makes it back to the farm, he destroys all the goop in the Caddy's
trunk, while Bensington is eaten by the rats (Hooray!). Everyone else
fortifies the inside of the farm as the rats attack (some of the rat
shooting, done in slow-motion with the rats squealing, and the rat
attacks are very well done) and notice there is a giant white rat
outside that seems to be the leader. Morgan makes some pipe bombs and
some molotov cocktails to take out the rats and blow up the local
dam, which will flood the whole area (unfortunately, Mrs. Skinner is
eaten by some rats while Morgan is driving to the dam). Rita also
decides that this is the perfect time to have her baby, which turns
out to be a boy (I hope she doesn't call him Willard or Ben). Morgan
blows up the dam and the water begins to flow, as Morgan races back
to the farm (The effects of the water escaping from the dam is the
worst special effect in the film, all of which were done by Bert I.
Gordon himself). Morgan and the rest of the survivors run upstairs to
an alcove on the roof, while they watch all the rats drown (this is a
pretty effective and well-done shot). The white rat makes a surprise
appearance on the roof, but Morgan beats it to death with the butt of
his shotgun. Once the water recedes, Morgan and Tom put all the dead
rats in piles and burn them and hope the nightmare is over. The next
winter, we see two jars of goop floating down a river where dairy
cows are feeding. We then watch the cows being milked and then see a
schoolgirl drinking a small carton of milk as the end credits rolls
(Remember, the goop only affects the young). I have the feeling that
the nightmare is just beginning. Say what you want about Bert
I. Gordon, but he does seem to get a cast of pros to act in his
films, no matter how silly they seem. I have always liked this film
and own both the Vestron
Video VHS and the MGM
"Midnite Movies" DVD (which was one of my favorite line
of DVDs), but if you want to see the film like you have never seen it
before, I would recommend you buy the Scream Factory double
feature Blu-Ray (with FROGS
- 1972; a film which takes the same conceit, but applies it to
normal-sized animals and insects). The print is flawless and it even
has a commentary by Mr. B.I.G. himself (ported over from the MGM
DVD), a new interview with Belinda Balaski and the original
theatrical trailer.. To me, he has been a legend since the 1950's and
that's a long time to be in the business. The fact that people are
still interested in his films (either as drunk Friday night viewings
or serious film watching) speaks volumes about his popularity. At
least one of his films played each week during the 70's, back when
watching these old films was considered a privilege, not something
for instant gratification. Still, it's nice to see his films get the
Blu-Ray treatment. Now, if only Susan Hart will loosen her
pursestrings! Followed by an unrelated Canadian tax shelter film
(that had nothing to do with Bert I. Gordon), GNAW:
FOOD OF THE GODS PART 2
(1989). A Scream Factory
Blu-Ray Release. Rated PG.
FORBIDDEN
WORLD (1982) - Throughout
the 80's & 90's, producer Roger Corman made dozens of films
copying the success of ALIEN
(1979). This is one of his earliest and best of those copies. After
being awakened from a cryogenic sleep by android SAM-104 (Dan
Olivera) and doing battle with some alien spaceships (in footage
"borrowed" from Corman's STAR
WARS rip-off, BATTLE
BEYOND THE STARS [1980]), Captain Mike Colby (Jesse Vint; BLACK
OAK CONSPIRACY - 1977) is sent to a desolate planet to
investigate an "accident" which has occurred at a
top-secret laboratory located there. Mike is met by Dr. Gordon Hauser
(Linden Chiles) and his assistant, Dr. Barbara Glaser (June Chadwick; HEADHUNTER
- 1989), where Dr. Hauser informs Mike that while creating a totally
new food source, they have
also created a creature called "Subject 20", a metamorph
that is constantly changing its genetic makeup to adapt to its
surroundings. It seems Subject 20 broke free and slaughtered a bunch
of lab animals and when it stopped its killing spree, it put itself
in a large incubator, where it now rests in a cocooned state. Mike
wants to kill it immediately, by Dr. Hauser and Dr. Cal Timbergen
(Fox Harris) talk him out of it by convincing him that by studying
the creature, they could open up new discoveries in rapid genetic
changes (Imagine turning a single grain of rice into something big
enough to feed a large family). Well, that turns out to be a big
mistake, as Subject 20 springs back to life and attaches itself to
the face (Hey, where have I seen this before?) of lab technician
Jimmy (Michael Bowen), where it gestates inside his body before
hatching into a totally new creature which begins hunting down and
devouring the laboratory staff, beginning with Earl (Scott Paulin).
The more the creature (which now looks much more like the ALIEN)
eats, the larger and more intelligent it becomes (it absorbs the
knowledge of its victims). From here on in, FORBIDDEN
WORLD becomes your standard "monster on the loose in a
locked-down facility" scenario, albeit one with more female
nudity than you usually find on films of this type and a truly
inspired way to defeat the creature. As directed by Allan
Holzman, FORBIDDEN WORLD
stands out from most ALIEN clones thanks to some effective
quick shock cuts that are almost subliminal (Holzman was also the
Editor here) and plenty of bloody gore and full-frontal female
nudity. Both June Chadwick and Dawn Dunlap have
several nude scenes, both separately and together and they are
eye-opening (Damn, they are gorgeous!). Tim Curnen's screenplay
(based on a story by Jim Wynorski and R.J. Robertson) is really
nothing but rehashed scenes from countless alien-on-the-loose flicks,
but director Holzman (OUT OF CONTROL
- 1985; PROGRAMMED TO KILL
- 1987) manages to overcome the clichés by keeping the camera
off-balance and the gore flowing at a steady pace. The acting is
uniformly flat (especially Jesse Vint, who looks bored throughout,
except when he is next to the nude bodies of Ms. Dunlap or Ms.
Chadwick), but we don't watch these knock-offs for their emoting, do
we? FORBIDDEN WORLD
(also known as MUTANT)
is an entertaining quickie (it clocks-in just a tad over 73 minutes)
that contains enough exploitative elements (nudity, violence, blood
and feeding a cancerous human liver to the creature to kill it!) to
keep even the most jaded genre fan shocked and amused. Also starring
Raymond Oliver. Cost-cutting auteur Roger Corman remade this film in
1990 under the title DEAD SPACE.
Avoid that one and watch this instead. Originally available on VHS
from Embassy Home Entertainment
and also available on fullscreen German DVD from Anolis (with
optional English soundtrack) under the title MUTANT:
DAS GRAUEN IM ALL. Also available on widescreen DVD & Blu-Ray
from Shout! Factory as part
of their hugely successful "Roger Corman's Cult Classics"
line, which sets the standard for future generations to enjoy this
film. Rated R.
FUTURE
FORCE (1989) - The year 1989
was a good year role-wise for the late David Carradine; appearing in
this insane ultra-low-budget ROBOCOP
rip-off, as well as playing Mama Pearl in the unclassifiable SONNY
BOY. In FUTURE FORCE,
it's the not-too-distant future of 1991 and the United States has
become a haven for criminals of every type. So much so, that all
local, state and federal law enforcement organizations no longer
exist. They have been taken over by big corporations, who have
created Civilian Operated Police Systems, Inc., or "C.O.P.S."
for short (the film's original shooting title), that takes care of
all the crime fighting needs. One such civilian officer is John
Tucker (Carradine), who we first see shooting a drug dealer with his
six-gun (and saying such things like, "You are guilty until
proven innocent!") and then strapping-on a metal power glove,
created by young scientist Billy (D.C. Douglas),
to blow up a car containing the drug dealer's two customers, who try
to run Tucker down. Meanwhile, businessman Jason Adams (William Zipp; DEATH
CHASE - 1988) and his head henchman Becker (Robert Tessier; NIGHTWISH
- 1988), are secretly taking over all the crime enterprises in the
big city, either by killing the competition (one guy gets crushed in
a car in an auto junkyard) or by joining forces with their biggest
competitor, Grimes (Patrick Culliton), who may or may not be a priest
(he wears a priest's collar during most of his screen time). Since
Adams also owns C.O.P.S., he puts a bounty on the head of T.V. news
reporter Marion Sims (Anna Rapagna), who has a videotape that shows
Adams participating in illegal activities. Tucker picks up Marion to
collect the bounty, but he slowly becomes disillusioned when rival
C.O.P.S. personnel try to kill him and Marion before he can bring her
in. The rest of the film details Tucker and Marion's misadventures,
as both rival C.O.P.S. and street thugs, all on Adams' payroll, try
to kill the duo. When Tucker isn't killing people with his
six-shooter, he's killing people with his power glove, which not only
shoots deadly electric bolts, it also gives Tucker superhuman
strength, such as the ability to tear doors off their hinges and stop
cars dead in their tracks. After Adams puts a $100,000 bounty on
Tucker's head for murder, the entire C.O.P.S. force, both those on
Adams' payroll or not, hunt down Tucker and Marion for a huge payout.
This leads to plenty of gunfights, car chases and fistfights, as
Tucker and Marion are helped by C.O.P.S. agent Roxanne (Dawn
Wildsmith; THE PHANTOM EMPIRE
- 1987), who gets her throat cut by Becker when he discovers her
treachery. The finale finds Tucker taking-on Becker one-on-one in the
auto junkyard (with an assist from the remote-controlled power
glove), while a mortally wounded Billy turns the tables on Adams,
putting a bounty on his head and ending up riddled with bullets by
his own greedy C.O.P.S., proving you get what you pay for. By
no means a good film by any stretch of the imagination, FUTURE
FORCE is so mind-numbingly cheap (nearly everything here
screams Poverty Row, from the sets, costumes and special effects, to
the now long-outdated "state of the art" computer effects
[think Commodore 64]), you can't help but enjoy yourself. It should
then come as no surprise that this in-house Action International
Pictures production was directed and written by David A. Prior, who
also gave us such awful no-budgeters as SLEDGEHAMMER
(1984; his debut), KILLZONE
(1985), NIGHT WARS
(1988), WHITE FURY (1990)
and the sequel to this film, called FUTURE
ZONE (1990), among many others. David Carradine's lazy charm
and William Zipp's wild overacting (I never thought I would be saying
that about Zipp, who is usually stiff as a piece of cardboard) carry
this film, as do the laughable special effects, especially the scene
where Tucker uses the power glove's remote control to beat the crap
out of and then strangle Becker. But Becker is a tough nut to crack,
as the "surprise" finale shows. If you don't mind the
overall starvation of the budget (this is the type of film where,
when bullets hit the windows of Tucker's Jeep Cherokee, they
throw-off sparks rather than breaking the glass), you'll probably
have some fun with FUTURE FORCE. Also starring Kimberly Casey
(the film's Producer), August Winters, John Cianetti, Brian O'Connor
and Clement E. Blake. Originally released on VHS by A.I.P.
Home Video and not available on DVD. Rated R.
FUTURE
HUNTERS (1986) -
Cirio Santiago, the prolific Filippino director, comes up with
another cropper that tries to imitate many of the popular mainstream
action films. This one mixes in equal parts of MAD
MAX
(1979), THE
TERMINATOR
(1984), RAIDERS
OF THE LOST ARK
(1981) and ENTER
THE DRAGON
(1973) with wildly uneven results. The prolog, set in the year 2025,
finds Matthew (Richard Norton) roaming the nuked-out land in search
of the Spear Of Longinus, said to have killed Jesus during his
cricifixion. Matthew finds the spear
and touches it, which transports him back to 1986. Matthew is shot
and mortally wounded as he saves Michelle (Linda Carol) and Slade
(Robert Patrick, who would later star as the evil T-1000 in TERMINATOR
2: JUDGMENT DAY
(1991) and replace David Duchovny on THE
X-FILES [1993 - 2002]), an archaeological couple, from an
evil biker gang. During his dying breath, Matthew tells the couple
that they must return the spear to its' rightful place in order to
avoid future Earth's nuclear destruction. With the spear in hand,
Michelle and Slade are chased across the world by modern day Nazis,
led by the evil Fielding (Ed Crick) and Bauer (Bob Schott), who plan
on using the spear for world domination (what else?). Along the way,
Michelle and Slade must face kung-fu fights (courtesy of Chinese
action star Bruce Li), numerous gunfights, an exploding helicopter, a
plane crash, a band of marauding Mongols, jungle traps, a dwarf tribe
(a Santiago staple) and a civilization of Amazon women before they
can complete their quest. Originally filmed as THE
SPEAR OF DESTINY
in 1986, it took three years to find a release and it's easy to see
why. The screenplay is hackneyed and full of gaping plot holes that a
train or good sized elephant could fit through. The action scenes
(there are many, some of them "borrowed" from earlier
Santiago action/sci-fi epics) range from good to poorly executed
(especially the rockslide in the finale). As an actor, Robert Patrick
makes a serviceable action hero. He speaks his lines as if he cannot
believe what he is saying. It would take him a few more years to
discover his acting groove. The only saving grace is lovely Linda
Carol, who is not afraid to get into the middle of the rough stuff
and get her hair dirty. You can also catch luscious Linda in REFORM
SCHOOL GIRLS
(1986) and CARNAL
CRIMES
(1991). To sum it up, FUTURE
HUNTERS
is no better or worse than Santiago's other films. That's not saying
much., but I have to admit that I am a fan of 90% of his films. An
Avid Home Entertainment VHS Release. Also available on Mill Creek
Entertainment's SCI-FI
INVASION 50 MOVIE DVD Compilation. Rated
R.
THE
GIFTED (1993)
-
Quiet, understated and sometimes confusing low budget science fiction
thriller starring and made by an all-black
cast. The modern-day descendents of the African Dogan tribe must do
battle with alien visitors bent on the destruction of the human race.
All the descendents have to work with are some unknown powers they
have inherited from their ancestors (given to them 5,000 years ago by
good aliens to battle the bad aliens) and an ancient book passed down
to family members generation after generation. The aliens are only
seen as colored lights (blue for good, red for bad) and only the
gifted family members can see them. The chief
baddie is a black albino blind man (a frightening sight) who is taken
over by the bad aliens. He sets out to destroy the gifted family so
the aliens can eliminate humanity without interference. Devoid of
blood, nudity and even profanity, this film relies more on character
and family values to make its point. Obviously filmed with no
money, this film earns points for trying to tell a story without
resorting to gross effects or vulgarisms. Starring Dick Anthony
Williams GRIZZLY 2: THE PREDATOR
- 1983), Bianca Ferguson, Johnny Sekka and Gene Jackson. Directed,
produced and written by Audrey King Lewis. A Stardance Entertainment
Home Video Release. Not
Rated,
but it would probably get a PG
if submitted to the MPAA.
HARBINGER
DOWN (2015) - This film has a
backstory that may be more interesting than the movie itself. In
2010, Academy Award-nominated and BAFTA-winning special effects
artist Alec Gillis (ALIEN 3 -
1992; DEATH BECOMES HER
- 1992; STARSHIP TROOPERS
- 1997) supplied all the practical creature effects to the 2011
prequel to THE THING, only to
discover that all his hard work was replaced by digital CGI effects
(The filmmakers have gone on record to state that they wanted
something for the actors to react to, since CGI effects are
invisible. If Gillis knew that, he wouldn't have put his heart and
soul into the creature effects, only to see them replaced by computer
digital effects.). Gillis was so livid, he decided to
direct/produce/write this film, a tribute to John Carpenter's THE
THING (1982), using 100% practical effects for the
creatures. But first he had to get the financing, so he went on
internet crowdfunding site Kickstarter to secure the money needed to
make this film.
He found a benefactor in United Arab Emerites' Sultan Saeed Al
Darmaki, who was Executive Producer on such films as ZOMBIE
HUNTER (2013) and LORD
OF TEARS (2013). This is the result. On June 25, 1982 (the
date Carpenter's film opened in theaters), a Soviet spacecraft
crashes into the Arctic ice; the cause of the crash looks like some
red gooey alien organism. We then cut to the present in Dutch Harbor,
Alaska, where a group of scientists board a crabbing ship named the
Harbinger to follow a pod of whales that they have tagged with GPS
chips. One of the scientists is Sadie (Camille Balsamo), who is a
close personal friend of the Harbinger's Captain Graff (Lance
Henriksen). She informs Graff that her team is following a pod of
Beluga whales to determine what they do in the chilly Arctic waters
and they brought all the fancy electronic gadgetry to follow them.
Graff agrees to let the group follow the whales during the day, as
long as he and his crew can crab at night. Sadie notices a large blip
on her tracking screen and it is not a whale, so Graff and his crew
snag it in their nets. They discover that it is the frozen wreckage
of the Soviet spacecraft complete with the frozen remains of a Soviet
cosmonaut. It is also reasonable to assume that something alien has
infected the remains. Stephen (Matt Winston), who is the head
scientist of the group, claims the spacecraft as the property of the
university who funded this expedition. Over Stephen's objections,
Graff informs him that it is the property of the Harbinger and orders
his crew to quarantine the ship in the hold and let it thaw out (a
bad idea). I think you can guess where the film is headed. Sadie
breaks protocol and takes a sample of the cosmonaut's flesh. She
discovers that the flesh is infected with an extremely rare species
called the "water bear", only it is different in some way.
It seems to be growing larger. Stephen threatens to sue and bankrupt
Graff for allowing Sadie to expose everyone to a possibly deadly
pandemic unless Sadie signs a release allowing the university to
claim the spacecraft and everything inside it. Before Sadie can sign
the release, the cosmonaut's body disappears and a creature kills one
of Graff's crew. Stephen then begins to act strangely and three
arm-like appendages burst out of his back (the film's best scene),
killing him (everyone watches as the alien goo joins together and
exits down a drain). We finally get a good look at one of the
creature's forms, as it can change from solid to a liquid in the
blink of an eye. It kills crew member Atka (Edwin H. Bravo) by
shooting tentacles at him, impaling and infecting his body (Earlier
in the film, they decide to use liquid nitrogen to kill the creature
and when Graff sees crew member Sergei [Executive Producer
Jason Speer] carrying a bucket of liquid nitrogen, he says,
"You're gonna need a bigger bucket!"). The alien organism
disables the ship by bending the driveshaft and complicating matters
is when crew member Svet (Milla Bjorn) is exposed as a Russian agent.
She was put on the ship to destroy the alien organism and has planted
explosive charges on the ship that, in 60 minutes, will scuttle the
ship and sink it into the icy waters, disabling the organism while
she catches a Russian submarine sent to pick her up. (This
brings up the big questions: How did the Russians even know that
there was an alien organism and how did they know that this would be
the time to find the spacecraft?). Svet presses a button that will
detonate the charges in 60 minutes, but she never catches that
submarine, as the alien organism has her for chow. Now Graff
and the remaining people on the ship must try to find and disable the
explosive charges before the hour is up. They must also try to steer
clear of the alien organism, that is growing bigger the more it eats
(It has devoured two tons of crab in storage). Will anyone survive or
will the alien organism infect the entire planet? Although the
creature physical effects are quite good, the plot is unfortunately
too familiar. The acting ranges from professional (Henriksen) to rank
amateur (Reid Collums, who plays crew member 'Bowman"), but if
you want to see plenty of deadly alien creatures made the
old-fashioned way before there was such a thing as CGI, this film
will probably do the trick, It's only 82 minutes long, so it doesn't
overstay its welcome. For a film made out of pure revenge, it's not
that bad even if you have seen it all before. I had fun spotting all
the little tributes sprinkled throughout the film as homage to
Carpenter's classic. It is clear that Alec Gillis was a big fan of
that film. Also starring Winston James Francis, Giovonnie
Samuels, Michael Estime and Mick Ignis as the creature. A
Vertical Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.
HANDS
OF STEEL (1986) - This is one
of those futuristic "Earth In Peril" films that the
Italians did so well in the 80's. This is one of the later ones. In
the near future (actually 1997!), Earth is being ravaged by
radiation, toxic gases and acid rain, causing the population to
become diseased and sickly. The blind wheelchair-bound Reverend
Arthur Mosely (Franco Fantasia) is one man who may have a solution to
reversing Earth's problems, but almost never gets the chance as a
cyborg named Paco (Daniel Greene), is sent to kill him in his hotel
room, but stops
short of doing so, the human side of him overtaking his mechanical
side. The corporation that sent Paco out on his mission, led by the
nefarious Francis Turner (John Saxon), must now hunt down and kill
Paco before he is captured by the police and they discover Turner's
plan of exploiting Earth's problems for his greedy gains. On his
travels to escape, Paco meets many people that change him from cyborg
to human, finally fighting on the side of right to battle the corrupt
Turner and his corporation goons. His first stop is at a diner/motel
where he meets owner Linda (Janet Agren), who gives Paco a job
chopping wood and cleaning up the place. When truck driver/arm
wrestler Raoul (George Eastman) arrives at the diner, he challenges
Paco to an arm wrestling contest, which Paco at first declines. After
some taunting ("He's as strong as a wet fart."), Paco
obliges and beats Raoul easily. He then beats Raoul and his trucker
buddies in a fist fight. Paco is then challenged by arm wrestling
champion Anatola Blanco (Darwyn Swalve) to a championship bout. Along
the way, Paco tries to save a carload of Native American kids trapped
in a car teetering on a cliff, only to find it was a trap set by
Raoul and his friends. They drag him from the back of a tow truck and
beat him with metal pipes, just hours before the championship match.
Paco frees himself and shows up for the match, where a deadly
rattlesnake will bite the loser. Paco easily wins the match, but
kills the rattlesnake before it can bite Blanco. Meanwhile, the
corporation strong-arms Professor Olster (Donald O'Brien), the man
who created Paco, to come up with a way to control him. When the
Professor give them some ideas, they shoot him dead. They send Peter
Hallo (Claudio Cassinelli), the world's best hitman, to track down
and kill Paco. Things come to a boil when Paco, who has fallen for
Linda (he shows her his mechanical hand and it does not bother her),
must deal with hitman Peter, corporation head Turner, a female hooker
cyborg (!) and countless faceless cronies in his quest for the world
to know the truth, and gets some unexpected help from Blanco. In an
unusual move for mindless action films like this, the final shot will
leave you pondering whether Paco is part-human after all and whether
machines can have souls. Directed by Sergio Martino (using his
"Martin Dolman" pseudonym) as his "tribute" to THE
TERMINATOR, this film contains enough action, nudity,
explosions, gun fights, car chases and blood to satisfy fans of this
genre. Martino also made the post-apocalyptic film AFTER
THE FALL OF NEW YORK in 1983. The whole cast has much
experience in Italian films. Daniel Greene can also be seen in THE
DEADLY INTRUDER (1984) and HAMMERHEAD
(1987). Janet Agren has appeared in THE
GATES OF HELL (1980) and THE
RAT MAN (1987). John Saxon has been in CANNIBAL
APOCALYPSE (1980) and DEATH
HOUSE (1987, which he also directed). Donald O'Brien starred
in DOCTOR BUTCHER M.D. (1980)
and 2020 TEXAS GLADIATORS
(1982). Big George Eastman, a staple of Italian post-nuke pics, also
starred in THE NEW BARBARIANS
(1983) and ENDGAME (1983). Claudio
Cassinelli has also appeared in SCREAMERS
(1980) and MURDER ROCK
(1984). He lost his life in a helicopter crash while filming scenes
for this film in Arizona (the footage of the crash was kept in the
film!). As far as sci-fi action films go, HANDS
OF STEEL (a.k.a. ATOMIC CYBORG and FISTS
OF STEEL) is a pretty good addition to the genre. Don't go
in expecting too much and you'll probably have a good time. In the
late-'80s & early-'90s, Sergio Martino would switch to straight
action films, such as UPPERCUT MAN
(1988), CASABLANCA EXPRESS
(1989), AMERICAN TIGER
(1989) and CODE CONDOR
(1990), all available streaming on Amazon Prime (as is this
film). Also starring Robert Ben, Pat Monti and Amy Werba. A Lightning
Video VHS Release. Also available on Mill Creek
Entertainment's SCI-FI
INVASION 50 MOVIE DVD Compilation. Available on Blu-Ray
from Code Red. Rated R.
HELLFIRE
(1986) - In this futuristic thriller that takes place in the year
1997, Dr. Charles Kesselman (Edward N. Fallon) has invented a new
energy source called Hellfire and the first energy plant to use the
new technology has just gone online, with equal amounts of fanfare
and protests. Even though Hellfire is supposed to be a clean,
non-polluting energy source, the protesters feel that it hasn't been
tested long enough to be put into everyday use (And, c'mon, why would
you give it the name "Hellfire" in the first place? It
doesn't inspire confidence!). Meanwhile, extremists have hijacked a
space freighter and accidentally crashed it on an asteroid where a
mining colony os digging up the main ingredient of Hellfire; the
crash causing a leak in the core. The extremists, Boyle (Steve
Langone) and Santhany (Susan Farrell), steal a vile of pure Hellfire
and escape, blowing up the mining colony and killing all its
employees as they leave. This
doesn't sit too well with Hellfire Energy Company president Olan
Robert Foster (Stephen Caldwell), who sends an assassin to kill Boyle
and Santhany (they are impaled by a sword while they are making love)
and retrieve the vial. We then switch over to private investigator
and amateur gambler Corby McHale (Kenneth McGregor) as he accepts a
job from pretty Caitlin Foster (Julie Miller), the sister of Olan
Robert Foster. She wants Corby to investigate her brother's
activities because she believes that he is responsible for her
fiancé's death, as well as other murders. Corby, an ex-cop who
was kicked-ff the force, teams up with ex-partner and ex-lover
Samantha Keller (Sharon Mason) to uncover what secret Mr. Foster is
willing to kill for time and time again. What Corby discovers is that
Hellfire is not as safe as it is advertised. It begins infecting
those who come in close contact with it, eventually causing them to
spontaneously combust. Things start getting hairy when Corby and
Samantha are nearly blown up in their car by a couple of rocket
equipped flying drones and Mr. Foster burns to a crisp after
injecting himself with Hellfire. A battered and bruised Corby must
figure out who has enough juice to murder Mr. Foster (he didn't
intentionally inject himself with Hellfire), as all his friends and
contacts end up missing or dead. It turns out Corby didn't have to
look any further than his client, as Caitlin was working in cahoots
with Boyle (who was her fiancé) to steal the secrets of
Hellfire and somehow had those secrets injected into Corby's body. At
least I think that's the explanation, but the film is so badly
written, it is hard to be sure. This cheap and confusing piece
of no-budget cinema, directed and written by one-shot wonder William
Murray, is a loony mixture of detective and sci-fi genres with a
dollop of gore thrown in for good measure. The entire film has an
Andy Milligan-ish feel to it, as the actors are either really awful
or over-the-top (an example of the latter is Martin Hodge as Anton
Kirar, who, for some reason unknown to viewers, speaks all of his
dialogue with a thick Cockney accent, even though the film takes
place in Philadelphia and New Jersey!); the editing is downright
choppy (it looks like there was a lot of post-production tampering
that eliminated entire subplots); the special effects are laughable
(especially the spaceship effects, which look like someone was
holding the model ships just off-screen and moving them up and down
over a real sky while someone else blows smoke into the frame); and
the entire film looks to have been shot with handheld cameras using
short ends. Besides a couple of effective spontaneous combustion
scenes, HELLFIRE (also known
as PRIMAL SCREAM) is a
totally amateurish production that should only be viewed with the aid
of illegal substances or some cheap booze. The saxophone-heavy music
score (not to mention a cameo appearance by a punk band called the
"Sadistic Exploits") will either have you jamming peanuts
in your ears or watching this film with the sound off. The closing
tune, an 80's love ballad titled "In The Line Of Duty",
will make your ass bleed with its rank awfulness. Also starring Jon
Maurice, Joseph White, Vivian Nothaft, Michael Laird and Mickey
Shaughnessy (CONQUEST OF SPACE
- 1955), who died before filming finished. Originally released on VHS
by Magnum Entertainment
and not available on DVD in the United States, although there is a
budget British PAL DVD if you have a multi-region DVD player. NOTE:
Avoid the Platinum Productions VHS titled HELL
FIRE. Although the back cover lists the credits for this
film, it is actually a very fuzzy-looking and badly-edited version of
Bill Rebane's INVASION
FROM INNER EARTH (1974)! Rated R.
THE
HUMANOID (1979) - Let me start
off by saying that I hate STAR WARS
(1977). I always found it's story line highly derivative of countless
films before it and, if it wasn't for the flashy state-of-the-art (at
the time) special effects, it would have died a quick death. The only
reason I believe why George Lucas never sued makers of THE
HUMANOID for copyright infringement is because he himself
would have to testify how he's guilty of ripping-off his film from
the Western and Samurai genres. THE HUMANOID
begins just as STAR
WARS
did, with top-scrolling credits and a synopsis sequence followed by a
bottom-view shot of a large spaceship flying overhead. The evil Lord
Graal (Ivan Rassimov, made to look like Darth Vader's trailer-trash
cousin) has escaped from a prison planet and is looking to get even
with his Great Brother (Massimo Serato), who sent him to prison for
crimes against mankind. Before Lord Graal can get his revenge on his
brother on the planet Metropolis (the future name of Earth), he makes
a stop on another planet to visit ex-love Lady Agatha (Barbara Bach),
who is being kept eternally youthful by the dastardly Dr. Kraspin
(Arthur Kennedy), who drains the youth of other women to make the
serum (There's a surprising scene of female nudity showing the
process). Dr. Kraspin tells Lord Graal that he plans on creating an
"army of humanoids" to help him conquer Metropolis, but he
needs a test subject to create the first humanoid. His test subject
turns out to be a good space lawman named Golob (Richard Kiel). Dr.
Kraspin forces Golob and his sidekick Kiv (a robot dog!), to crash
their spaceship on the planet and Dr. Kraspin turns the hulking Golob
into an evil (and indestructible) humanoid. Lord Graal sends Golob to
Metropolis to kill the Great Brother, but scientist Barbara Gibson
(Corrine Clery; HITCH HIKE
- 1978; YOR,
HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE - 1983), Dr. Kraspin's former
assistant, good guy Nick (Leonard Mann; NIGHT
SCHOOL - 1981; CUT
AND RUN - 1985) and telepathic Asian boy Tom Tom (Marco Yeh)
pitch in to make sure the Great Brother survives. Tom Tom uses his
special powers to put Golob back on the good guys' side (but he has
amnesia), which comes in handy when Dr. Kraspin kidnaps Barbara.
Golob, Nick and Tom Tom fly to Dr. Kraspin's planet to save Barbara
before the evil doctor sucks out all her youth and gives it to Lady
Agatha. The finale finds our heroic trio saving Metropolis from a
deadly bomb that Lord Graal plans on using to wipe out the
population. Dr. Kraspin burns, Lady Agatha turns into a skeleton and
Lord Graal magically disappears (or as Tom Tom says, "Evil never
dies!", in one of his many metaphysical Confucious-like quotes),
setting up a sequel which, unfortunately, never happened.
Though the similarities to STAR WARS are highly apparent, THE
HUMANOID kept me much more entertained, thanks to the cheesy
special effects (supervised by Antonio Margheriti, using his frequent
"Anthony M. Dawson" pseudonym), frequent violence and
generally goofy tone. Filled with lines like, "It
looks
like she's been hitting the alpha wave pills!", "Those six
idiots couldn't blow up an old trash can!", "No one can
stop me now, princely hero!" and "You're going to pay as
well, Dr. Kraspin, for your warped and evil doings!",
scene-for-scene steals from George Lucas' blockbuster (but on a much
lower scale) and some optical work that looks to have done by a blind
man (some blasts from laser guns eminate inches away from the gun
barrels!), THE HUMANOID had
me in stitches for it's entire running time. This could be because
director/co-scripter Aldo Lado (using the name "George B.
Lewis") was better known for making violent giallos like WHO
SAW HER DIE (1972) and rape/revenge films like NIGHT
TRAIN MURDERS (1974). Even though this space opera was
probably made for the family market, Lado still couldn't help
throwing in a little nudity and blood. Nothing too graphic, mind you,
but just enough for you to sit up and take notice (I loved when Golob
picked up a steel beam and flung it across the room, decapitating
four bad guys in the process!). The R2D2-like robot dog is also good
for a belly laugh, especially when it shits out a yellow diarrhea
liquid out of it's ass to slip-up some bad guys! This is the film SPACEBALLS
aspired to be; the only problem is, THE
HUMANOID was not made as a parody, but as a serious cash-in
to a blockbuster. It works best as an unintentional comedy, though.
Ennio Morricone supplies the music score, although it's apparent he's
slumming here. Most of his music cues are thinly-veiled electronic
reworkings of Mozart concertos. Enzo G. Castellari (BRONX
WARRIORS 2 - 1983) was Second Unit Director. Richard Kiel (EEGAH
- 1962) also co-starred with Barbara Bach in THE
SPY WHO LOVED ME (1977) and with Corinne Clery in MOONRAKER
(1979). Arthur Kennedy (his acting career caught a second wind when
he moved to Italy in the 70's) also co-starred with Ivan Rassimov in
the excellent ROME: ARMED TO
THE TEETH (1976). Also starring Venantino Venantini, Vito
Fornari and Attilio Duse. Columbia Pictures released this
theatrically worldwide. The print I viewed came from a
Greek-subtitled VHS tape on the VideoSonic label. For more on this
film (actually, more than any mere Earthling deserves), go to this
fantastic site: www.golobthehumanoid.com.
This is truly a labor of love. Not Rated, but it could be
rated PG if the nudity was removed.
HUNTING
GROUNDS (2008) - In the
not-too-distant future, the United Nations has decreed that it is
unlawful for man to go outside (Wait a minute, when in your lifetime
has the United Nations decreed anything and the whole world
complied?). The U.N. wants Mother Nature to reverse the damage humans
have done to it, so it has put a moratorium on hunting or any outside
contact at all until nature does its thing and heals itself. For
years humankind has had to make do with playing virtual reality
hunting games and camping trips in their underground bunkers.
Unfortunately, Mother Nature can sometimes be a bitch, as frustrated
hunter Paul Austin (Patrice LeBlanc) and some of his friends will
soon find out when they make an unauthorized trip to the actual
wilderness for a real hunting trip, in this French Canadian film that
mixes sci-fi, "nature gone amok" and zombie genres with
interesting, but not always successful, results. It has now been
nineteen years since the U.N. moratorium and nature hasn't progressed
as far as scientists have hoped. Disease and infections run rampant,
helped along by a
new regeneration serum created by Dr. Carradine (Tim Morgan), that is
supposed to reverse dead tissue, but it turns its subjects into
flesh-hungry zombies. When a small earthquake leaks the serum onto
two thousand cadavers Dr. Carradine was storing illegally outside, it
creates quite a zombie problem that Dr. Carradine and his associates
cover-up so they don't lose their government funding. When the zombie
horde devour Dr. Carradine and his team, they head for the wilderness
where, you guessed it, is the same place Paul, his girlfriend Lexa
(Marie-Eve Lemire), Sebastien (Luc Rivard), Francine (Valerie
Tremblay) and tracker Simon Roy (Patrick Baby) are about to go on
their hunting expedition. Sebastien is harboring a secret that could
put everyones' lives in jeopardy (his father is an important
government official) and Francine is under the impression that this
is just another virtual reality game (not only is she a stupid bitch,
when she finds out this trip is real, she pukes her guts out!), but
all that gets put on the back burner when the hunters suddenly become
the hunted. Instead of hunting helpless animals, Paul and his group
find themselves under siege from the hungry living dead. They are
helped by the sole survivor of Dr. Carradine's laboratory, female
military personnel Lt. Aria Palmer (Emilie Gilbert Gagnon), who
recognizes Simon Roy as a wanted criminal; a serial killer who brings
people on "hunts", but no one ever returns alive. Simon
escapes into the forest and Sebastien dons a top-secret cybersuit
(that he was conveniently carrying) and when he gets bitten by the
zombies, he becomes an indestructable member of the undead, thanks to
the suit. When Sebastien's father (Louis Amiot) shows up with some
soldiers, it sets off a series of events, which finds Paul and Lexa,
the last remaining of the living, fighting for their lives against
cyber-Sebastien and the living dead. Mon deiu, how are they going to
get out of this mess? There are two major flaws to this film
(not to mention a bunch of minor ones), directed/produced/co-written
by Eric Bilodeau (his first feature film, which he also edited,
photographed and had a hand in the special effects), that really
detract the viewer's enjoyment. The first major flaw is that it is
apparent that English is most of this film's actors' second language
and they struggle with some of their English dialogue, sometimes even
reverting to their native French in the middle of a sentence.
Director Bilodeau (who co-wrote the screenplay with Jonathan Gagne)
should have filmed the entire movie in French (about 25% of the film
is subtitled in English anyway) because the acting suffers from the
poor line readings. The second major flaw, and it's a big one, is the
film's over-reliance on terrible CGI effects, including
computer-enhanced blood squibs and muzzle flashes. They are so
obvious, they take you immediately out of the film. I still don't
know why low-budget science fiction and horror films continuously go
this route, since none of it ever looks good, nevermind believable. I
can understand using CGI for difficult effects shots, but when it is
used in the place of practical effects, like shots to the head and
exploding bodies, it is unforgivable in my book (and I'm tired of
hearing all this crap of stopping valuable filming time to clean up
the blood, because this film takes place in the woods!). Even the
wilderness looks like it was created using Blender on a Mac! Ugh!
It's just pure laziness. Also starring Jean Francois Potvin-Tremblay,
Dave Harvey, Marie-Elaine Fortin and Francois Soucy. I dare anyone to
count how many times Eric Bilodeau's name appears in the closing
credits. It's easy to lay the blame of HUNTING
GROUNDS shortcomings on his shoulders since his hands were
in nearly every piece of the pie. I don't believe this film has had
an official U.S. home video release (yet), but it can be purchased
from online stores that deal with DVDs fairly easily. Not Rated.
HYPER
SPACE (1989) - This sci-fi
actioner opens interestingly enough when cop Thomas Stanton (Richard
Norton; THE SWORD OF BUSHIDO
- 1989) comes face-to-chest with a giant hulking psycho (played by
late wrestling legend Big John Studd; SHOCK
'EM DEAD - 1990) who is holding a decapitated human head in
one of his meaty hands (Stanton yells out, "Hold it!...Release
the head!" which the psycho does, throwing it at Stanton and
knocking him on his ass!). A fight breaks out between the two (the
terrified expression on Norton's face looks real because Studd towers
over him), which results in Stanton setting the psycho on fire and
killing him (Stanton goes to light up a cigarette after the brawl,
but can find no matches, so he looks at the psycho's burning corpse
and, for a split second, you think he's going do it, but he says to
himself, "I gotta quit smoking"). We are then informed (by
an on-screen scrawl) that by the 21st Century, the nuclear waste
problem became so severe, a worldwide corporation created a starship
to dispose of the radioactive waste in a distant region of the
universe known as "Hyper Space". Then we are introduced to
the crew of the starship as they wake up from months of hyper-sleep.
The crew consists of ex-Ranger Stanton (it turns out his fight with
the psycho may have been nothing but a hyper-sleep nightmare); his
friend Tubbs (Ron O'Neal; TRAINED
TO KILL - 1988), who is retiring after this flight; Ron
Drezak (Don Stroud; THE
DIVINE ENFORCER - 1991), a violent asshole; Arias Christensen (Lynn-Holly
Johnson; THE SISTERHOOD -
1987); Captain Raymond Scully (James Van Patten; NIGHTFORCE
- 1987); and Roberta "Lobo" Villalobos (newcomer Rebecca
Cruz, whose first scene in the film is a nude shower!). Arias, who
doesn't like to be touched, informs Stanton the ship's computer
system has gone bonkers and that they have lost all communication
with Earth. Is it possible that someone on board is a saboteur and if
there is one, what is their motive? It seems that while they were all
in hyper-sleep, the ship went off-course and with the computers not
working properly, they have no idea where they are. Captain Scully is
only interested in delivering the payload and going home, but Tubbs
informs everyone "We are out of gas!" and won't be able to
make it back to Earth. Stanton has another nightmare (this one not
hyper-sleep induced) where his Ranger partner Matt (stunt coordinator
Jeff Imada) is beheaded by an android (Professor Toru Tanaka; THE
PERFECT WEAPON - 1991) and he sustains a knife wound to the
shoulder (We now discover that neither of Stanton's nightmares were
nightmares after all, but recollections of his past life on Earth as
a Ranger). Arias comes up with a plan to send one, and only one, of
them back to Earth in a modified shuttlecraft. The trip will take
nearly three years, but it is their only chance for survival (all the
others will be stuck on the starship for 22 years). Since everyone
wants to be the one on that shuttlecraft, they draw straws and Tubbs
wins, which pisses-off Captain Scully to no end (others show the same
feelings as the film progresses). Stanton seems to be the only one
that is truly happy that Tubbs won the draw. When Tubbs is found
dead, the apparent victim of an alien creature he kept as a pet,
Stanton must use his cop training to figure out who really killed his
best friend, while the rest of the crew fight each other over who is
going to be the next shuttlecraft passenger. It's going to be
survival of the fittest. This is a talky sci-fi actioner
partially financed by executive producer K.Y. Lim and is Silver Star
Film Company, who also gave us so many of those Filipino war
actioners during the 80's that I am so fond of. Unfortunately, HYPER
SPACE is nothing at all like those films, as it just
meanders along at a much too leisurely pace, interrupted every so
often by one of Stanton's violent flashbacks to when he was a Ranger.
Director David Huey (CAPITAL PUNISHMENT
- 1991; FULL IMPACT - 1993)
and screenwriter Richard Dominguez seem more interested in the
interpersonal relationships of the crew; whether it is Captain
Scully's drug habit; Arias' dislike of being touched (the secret she
is hiding is quite obvious; think ALIEN
[1979]); why Stanton really quit the Rangers; Lobo's pre-occupation
with using her curvaceous body to get her way; or why Drezak is such
a violent prick. Since most of the characters are underwritten, which
is a shame considering the cast (only the late Ron O'Neal gets to
shine), it is really hard to give two shits about what happens to
them, especially when they violently turn on each other during the
final third of the film. Besides Lobo's nude scene and Tubb's gory
death, there's nothing here to hold your attention unless you are a
Richard Norton completist (I guess that is not such a bad thing).
Also known as SPACE
RANGERS: HYPERSPACE and BLACK
FOREST: THE RAGE IN SPACE. This was an early DVD release
from Simitar Entertainment,
one of the first VHS companies to release DVDs in the latter part of
the 90's. As with most of Simitar's DVD releases, it is fullscreen,
badly mastered and has an annoying static hiss on the soundtrack.
Not Rated.
I
LOVE MARIA (ROBOFORCE) (1988)
- In the opening minutes of this slam-bang Hong Kong sci-fi
actioner, a crime syndicate called "The Hero", led by
villainess Maria (Sally Yeh; PINK
FORCE COMMANDOS - 1982), sends their giant robot, nicknamed "The
Van" (a sight to behold), to rob a heavily guarded bank vault.
To the police (who lose quite a few men and women in the ensuing
firefight) and nosey reporter T.Q. Zhuang (Tony Leung; INFERNAL
AFFAIRS - 2002) surprise, The Van not only robs the vault,
it steals the entire vault itself and flies away with it, but not
before informing the police that The Hero is going to take over the
entire city in one month's time. Back at home base, an angry Maria
asks her second-in-command, B12 (Lam Ching Ying; HER
VENGEANCE - 1988) why The Van didn't kill all of the police
after stealing the vault, only to be informed that the robot's
computer malfunctioned and needs to be rebooted (My first IBM
computer in the 80's was always doing that to me, too!). When Maria
demands that it be fixed within 48 hours and is told that it is
impossible, she shoots one of the American scientists in the head to
make her point a little more clear (An American scientist working for
a crime syndicate in Hong Kong? Of course he's going to die!). During
a press conference with the police, T.Q. meets Curly (John Sham), a
scientist who is working with a team of scientists to create a
"special weapon" to fight The Van (During the testing of a
new gun, we watch as Curly's boss [Dennis Chan] uses him as a human
guinea pig to demonstrate the effectiveness of the armor-piercing
bullets). What the police don't know is that The Hero's head villain,
Saviour (Ben Lam; MELTDOWN -
1995), Maria's brother and lover (!), has created a human cyborg
called "Van II" that is much more mobile and easier to
manuever than The Van. Maria acts disappointed and jealous (since the
new cyborg has a kicking metal body of a well-endowed woman!) that
Saviour has hidden this creation from her until now. Curly is also
having some personal and professional problems because his boss has
burned his blueprints for a prototype Electric Cannon that he was
sure to defeat any robot that stands in its way (The boss is jealous
that Curly will take over his position if this weapon is created).
Curly saves the life of Chu (Tsui Hark; director of such films as WE'RE
GOING TO EAT YOU - 1980; TWIN
DRAGONS - 1992; DOUBLE TEAM
- 1997, KNOCK OFF - 1998 and
Producer of this film) in a bar fight, whom he nicknames
"Whiskey" (because that is all he drinks), not knowing that
Whiskey is an ex-member of The Hero. When Maria finds out that Curly
is a member of the police task force, she automatically believes that
Whiskey is a traitor and orders a hit on him and Curly. Saviour sends
the Van II (who now has an incestuous facsimile of Maria's face) to
carry out the assassination, but the bumbling Curly and the drunk
Whiskey manage to defeat it (in an amazing display of pyrotechnics,
stunts and special effects), leaving the Van II in pieces. Whiskey
buries
the
pieces, since he and the real Maria were once very good friends.
Things get complicated when the police think Curly is a traitor
(thanks to his boss), leaving Curly and Whiskey in the middle of this
whole mess, trying to figure out a way to solve it. They hide out in
an old abandoned church working on a way to clear Curly's reputation
and find a way to defeat The Hero (as well as arguing with each other
the best way to kill a dog so they can eat it [don't worry, they
can't do it]). Curly digs up the remains of the Van II, reassembles
and reprograms it (he gets it to obey commands by saying, "I
love Curly.") to fight The Hero. Good thing, too, because
Saviour has sent the original giant The Van and a pissed-off human
Maria to kill Whiskey and Curly, turning the remainder of the film
into a battle royale, the likes of which you wish Michael Bay would
have made in his TRANSFORMERS
movie franchise. Luckily, Curly made some backup blueprints for his
Electronic Cannon (always, I mean always, back up your data!),
because it comes in mightily handy in the over-the-top finale. While
some may argue that this film contains too much broad humor,
especially between Whiskey and Curly, there can be no denying that I
LOVE MARIA contains many kick-ass action set pieces, amazing
special effects and a fair amount of gore (but I get the impression
that the Fortune Star DVD I watched has edited some of the more
gorier bits and nudity). Director Chung Chi Man (a.k.a. "David
Chung"; MAGNIFICENT WARRIORS
- 1987) and screenwriter Yuen Kai Chi (THE
SEVENTH CURSE - 1986) obviously got their
"inspiration" from ROBOCOP
(1987) and pays homage to other films (there's a funny TARZAN
[1932] reference when Whiskey tries to evade the human Maria and a
bunch of bad guys as they all swing on vines in the jungle), but
still make this film a very unique viewing experience. Since all the
special effects are practical and free of CGI, the action sequences
seem more natural and organic, even the robotics (if that makes any
sense). If you can forgive some of the juvenile humor (although some
of it is quite funny) and the simply awful English subtitles (no one
speaks English this fractured, not even texters or the brain
damaged), you're bound to love and admire I
LOVE MARIA for the majority of the things it does right.
Namely, everything else. A Fortune
Star DVD Release as part of their "Legendary
Collection". Not Rated.
INVADER
(1992) - Above
average science fiction tale, greatly enhanced by terrific special
effects (courtesy of director Philip J. Cook) and a quirky sense of
humor (also courtesy of Cook). A reporter for the tabloid National
Disaster (Hans Bachmann) accidently uncovers an alien plot to take
over the world while covering a story about the mysterious murders of
some Army personnel. It seems a couple of years ago the government
discovered a crashed alien spacecraft and were able to tap into the
ship's highly advanced
computer system (called ASMODS, pronounced "asmodeus").
They were able to use the obtained information to develop new
technology for fighter jets and defense systems. The bad news is that
this new technology has a mind of its' own, overwriting existing
programs and eventually taking over the minds of the personnel of an
Army base, turning them into zombie-like minions who obey ASMODS'
every command. The reporter joins forces with a Departmant of Defense
agent (A. Thomas Smith) in notifying Washington of the impending
doom. ASMODS takes the shape of a high-tech flying saucer and dogs
our two heroes' every move. In the end we find out that the saucer is
only a component to a greater machine (the saucer is the brain). Our
heroes, along with an Army general, also discover that the saucer is
the machine's Achille's heel and try to find a way to destroy it
before the world is destroyed in a hail of nuclear missiles. While
indifferently acted by a cast of unknowns, this film has some
knock-out model effects and stop motion animation. The saucer,
elevator and jet fighter sequences are some of the best you'll ever
see in a low budget film. There is also plenty of humor, as when
Bachmann (who really wants to be a serious journalist) must interview
loonies for outrageous stories his ragazines carries, such as a
couple with a two-headed dog or the taxi driver who said Elvis got
into his cab last week and wanted to give him a handjob. The funniest
bit of dialogue comes at the end, when the giant robot ASMODS
delivers a patriotic monologue that must be heard to be believed!
Special effects veteran Cook turns in a good directorial effort here
(his first). Finally, something good from 21ST Century Film Corp.!
This is a good way to spend 95 minutes of your life. Not to be
confused with THE INVADER, a
1996 sci-fi film starring Ben Cross and Sean Young. A Vidmark
Entertainment Home Video Release. Rated
R.
IT
CAME FROM OUTER SPACE II (1995) - The
only reason I can figure out why this film was made in the first place
was for tax shelter purposes. It cannot be classified as a sequel to
the classic 1953 3-D film,
but more of a bastardized remake (and a really bad one). A
photographer (Brian Kerwin) and a kid (Jonathan Carrasco) witness a
meteor crash in the desert region of a small southwestern town. Turns
out that it is not a meteor after all, but an alien lifeform trying
to collect it's pieces and leave our pitiful planet. It sucks all the
water out of the town and cuts off all communication and exits until
all the pieces are found. It also creates exact duplicates of some of
the townsfolk to help in the search. Kerwin gets to the bottom of it
all and finds out that the alien is friendly (which doesn't explain
why two people are killed by it's hand) and a happy end is had by
nearly all. This banal film, produced by Tony ("Wally
Cleaver") Dow, serves no discernable purpose and sullies the
reputation of the original. What's next: FORBIDDEN PLANET II? THEM
II? God, I hope not. Directed without style or substance by
Roger Duchowny (CAMP CUCAMONGA:
HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION - 1990). Need I say more? Also
starring Elizabeth Pena, Bill McKinney and Howard Morris. An MCA
Universal Home Video Release. Rated
PG-13,
but contains no blood, no violence and no vulgar language. What's
the point?
LADY
TERMINATOR (1988)
-
This film has it all: Graphic violence, unbelievable dialogue, male
castrations, eel sex, scene-by-scene steals of THE
TERMINATOR
and an editing technique that can best be described as
LSD-influenced. One hundred years ago, the South Sea Queen (who
castrates her male lovers with an eel hidden in her vagina!) is
defeated when her 100th lover pulls the eel out of her pussy and turns
it into a dagger (I'm not making this up!). She swears revenge,
cursing the man's great-granddaughter. Cut to the present, where an
anthropologist (Barbara Anne Constable) is searching for the sunken
location of the South Sea Queen's castle. She finds it (or it finds
her, depending on your state of mind), gets tied spread-eagle to a
bed and has as eel enter her vagina, turning her into an
indestructable killing machine. She sets out on her search for the
great-granddaughter (Claudia Rademaker), castrating some local males
and killing nearly every cop in town in the process. An American cop
(Christopher Hart) is Rademaker's only protection, as he tries to
keep one step ahead of the reincarnated South Sea Queen. The rest of
the film is nearly a scene-by-scene (albeit surreal) steal of THE
TERMINATOR,
as the Queen invades a disco, a police station and a shopping mall,
blowing away anyone who gets between her and Rademaker. The Queen
even has the time to perform some homemade eye surgery on herself,
duplicating Swarzeneggar's feat in the aforementioned film. The film
ends when Rademaker plunges her great-grandfather's eel dagger into
the fire-ravaged Queen's heart, the only way to destroy her. This
wild and crazy Indonesian film is so offbeat and violent that you can
forgive the blatant TERMINATOR
steals and go along for the ride. The only distraction is the
editing. Scenes are placed out of sequence, making the plot hard to
follow. Some scenes are played twice, probably to pad out the film's
short 83 minute running time. But violence is the name of the game
here, as bullets fly fast and furiously and everything blows up real
good. There's enough bullet hits here for a dozen action films and
plenty of nudity (though strangely, no pubic shots) and gore to keep
all fans of this genre extremely happy. Not much else is known about
the principals in front or behind the camera of this mostly-dubbed
film except that co-star Christopher Hart did have a role in THE
ADDAMS FAMILY
(1991) film. LADY
TERMINATOR
(which is available in R and Unrated versions) is a safe bet if you
are into strange, out-of-the-ordinary films. I heartily recommend it.
Directed wildly by Jalil Jackson (a pseudonym for H. Tjut Djalil of THE
WARRIOR AND NINJA
[1985] fame). A Shooting Star Video Release. Also available on DVD
from Mondo Macabro
(which, strangely, optically blurs the nudity with white dots over
the naked breasts and asses!) and on DVD-R from Midnight
Video as NASTY HUNTER,
as are Djalil's other films MYSTICS
IN BALI (1981) and DANGEROUS
SEDUCTRESS (1992 - using the pseudonym "John
Miller"). Unrated.
LAND
OF DOOM (1985) - Simply awful
post-nuke film that, for once, doesn't come from Italy (it's
American-made, but lensed in Turkey). Harmony (Deborah Rennard) is
the lone survivor when her village is attacked by a band of
motorcycle-riding raiders led by Purvis (Frank Garet), who rape and
kill the women and shoot everyone else in the back. Harmony escapes
to a cave, where she encounters an injured man named Anderson
(Garrick Dowhen), who is wanted by Purvis' boss Slater (Daniel
Radell). Slater now must wear a mask over his horribly-burned face,
the result of his last encounter with Anderson. Slater orders Purvis
and his raiders to capture Anderson at any cost and bring him back so
Slater can exact his revenge. After setting some ground rules
(Harmony doesn't like to be touched), Harmony and Anderson band
together and set out to find the legendary city where there is no
shortage of food or water and the people live together in paradise.
They have a run-in with Slater's crazy brother Demister (also
portrayed by Radell), but Harmony bashes his head in with a rock,
killing him. They steal Demister's motorcycle and search for food and
water for their trip, stopping at the ranch of an old man, who offers
them a hot meal. Harmony soon finds out that the meat is actually
human flesh, as the old man and his followers are cannibals and he
has a barn full of dead bodies hanging on hooks. Anderson and Harmony
make a hasty retreat and escape on foot, only to be attacked by a
group of plague-infected nomads. After successfully fighting them
off, our duo spot Purvis and the raiders attacking another village,
so they steal another motorcycle (and are nearly captured by Purvis)
and continue on their journey. They save a man named Orland (Aykut
Duz) and his pet puppy from a pack of wild dogs, so Orland follows
them on his bicycle (!), only to watch helplessly as Anderson and
Harmony are ambushed and captured by Slater's men. Orland and his
puppy get help from a bunch of hooded dwarves to raid Slater's
compound and save Anderson and Harmony. They all band together to
defeat Slater, Purvis and the raiders, but the cop-out ending will
have you screaming for the filmmakers' blood. Talk about failing to
deliver on a promise. Where's my lawyer? LAND
OF DOOM is just an awful film, full of bad acting and anemic
action scenes. Director Peter Maris (DELIRIUM
- 1977; TERROR SQUAD -
1987; ALIEN SPECIES - 1997) tries
to emulate THE ROAD WARRIOR
(1982), but comes up way short in nearly department. Deborah Rennard
as Harmony is one of the most unlikable heroines you're ever likely
to see. Her constant rants of "Don't touch me!" aimed at
Anderson actually had me hoping that he would rape her while she
slept, just to teach her a lesson about being constantly obnoxious
and annoying (I know rape is no laughing matter, but she really is a
bitch!). She also carries a crossbow that she never uses (it's always
in an uncocked state). The chase scenes are so slow and awkwardly
filmed, you half-expect everyone to jump off their motorcycles and
run after each other just to pick up the pace. This is also the type
of film where people make believe they are firing their guns (they
jerk their hands as they pull the trigger like kids playing "cops
and robbers"), as there is no muzzle flash and the sounds of
gunshots are dubbed in post-synch. I guess Maris didn't have the
budget to use blanks. The pack of "wild" dogs are probably
the crew's pets and look about as threatening as a teething baby. The
hooded tribe of dwarves are definitely children in disguise (Hey,
it's Turkey, so there were probably no messy child labor laws to
worry about!) and the gore and nudity are sparse to the point of
being non-existent (just a bloody head bashing, a quick look at the
cannibalized bodies hanging in the barn and a few bullet squibs).
Toss in a non-ending that leaves the film wide-open for a sequel
(which, thankfully, never happened) and you'll swear that this film
should have been titled LAND OF CRAP. The only entertaining bit comes
when one of the raiders says, "You stink!" to one of his
fellow raiders who gives him a lift on his motorcycle. The other
raider gets off his motorcycle, punches the guy in the head (knocking
him on his ass) and then gets back on his cycle, only to immediately
ride his bike over a cliff! It's a real "What the fuck?!?"
moment. If only the film managed to sustain that level of lunacy but,
sadly, it doesn't. Avoid it unless you are a post-apocalypse
completist. Also known as RAIDERS
OF DEATH. Also starring Richard Allen, Bruno Chambon and a
bunch of Turks with bald heads and big bushy moustaches. Released on
VHS by Lightning
Video and not available on DVD. Not Rated.
LAST
OF THE WARRIORS (1989) -
Also known as EMPIRE OF ASH III
(for an explanation of why this is actually the first sequel, see my EMPIRE
OF ASH II review), this Canadian-made post-nuke flick
continues the story of Danielle (Melanie Kilgour) and her escapades
as she tries to survive gang warfare and cannibalistic dwellers. For
some reason, Danielle has ditched her sister Jasmine and male
sidekick Orion from the first film and is on her own, roaming the
wasteland known as New Idaho when she gets involved in a turf war
between two rival factions: The Raiders, a group of ROAD
WARRIOR (1982) wannabes led by uber-religious Grand Shepherd
Lucas (William Smith; DEADLY
MEMORIES - 2002) and a band of peace-loving hippie-types,
whose leader, Zak (Andrew MacGregor), and his daughter Claudia (Tanya
Orton), have
just been kidnapped by Lucas and his right-hand female sidekick
Baalca (Nancy Pataki). Enter Danielle, who saves Harris (Scott
Andersen) from Lucas' Border Patrol after they kill his mother.
Harris, who is Claudia's boyfriend, talks Danielle into accompanying
him to the Raiders' compound, where they plan on rescuing Claudia and
Zak. Lesbian Baalca has her own plans for Claudia (we watch as
Baalca's female assistants give her a naked oil rubdown), but Lucas
wants her for his bride instead, which leads to some internal
turmoil. Baalca kills Zak after he gives her the location of arms
dealers Chuck (Ken Farmer) and Iodine (Joe Maffei), two characters
returning from the first film (but played by different actors).
Baalca leads the Raiders on an attack on Chuck and Iodine's compound,
which is protected by a computer named Dolores, who guards the
compound like a video game (another returning theme from the first
film). Meanwhile, Danielle is kidnapped by a band of cannibals and
must be saved by Harris, while Lucas prepares to plant his hideously
mutated father's seed into Claudia, in hopes of delivering a
superbaby that will eventually lead a new race of superhumans (When
will these evil religious dictators learn that you can't fuck with
God's plan?). Danielle and Harris join forces with Chuck and Iodine
(along with returning character Rocket Man, once again played by
David Gregg), but when Danielle and Iodine are captured by Baalca and
tortured once brought back to the Raiders' compound, Harris and Chuck
raid the compound by helicopter in the film's bullet-whizzing and
explosion-filled finale. Returning co-directors Lloyd A.
Simandl (CHAINED HEAT 2
- 1993) and Michael Mazo (CRACKERJACK
- 1994) are definitely working with a bigger budget this time around
and the screenplay (by Chris Maruna) tosses aside the series of
vignettes that made the fist film so disjointed, opting this time for
a more linear story. LAST OF THE WARRIORS is still a cheesy,
low-rent production, but at least this time the stunts are bigger,
the car crashes better, the gunfights and explosions
well-choreographed and the makeup and special effects gorier and more
believable. The entire production is much glossier than the first
film, as the budget allows for bloody bullet squibs, some decent
stunt work and creative cinematography this time around, not to
mention a lot more female nudity (the small-breasted, but pretty,
Melanie Kilgour has a more prominent topless shower here). LAST OF
THE WARRIORS may be lower-tier entertainment for the vast
majority of home viewers, but readers of this site should find a lot
to enjoy here, especially when compared side-by-side with EMPIRE
OF ASH II. Also starring Pauline Crawford, Nick Amoroso and
Darline DeVink. Originally available on VHS from A.I.P.
Home Video. Not Available on DVD. Not Rated.
MOONTRAP
(1988) - It really is true what they say: You never see how
cheaply a film has been made until you watch it on Blu-Ray. Well,
this 1988 film never made that so true. It has been a favorite of
mine since its VHS release, but now I look upon it a little
differently (in good and bad ways) after watching it on Blu-Ray. The
story is simple: On July 20, 1969, astronaut Neil Armstrong
never knew how close he and his lunar module became alien property
when a robot alien (who travels under the lunar surface) spots
Armstrong blasting off the moon and hooking up with his waiting
orbiting comrade. Cut to 20 years later where Shuttle commander Col.
Jason Grant (STAR TREK's
Walter Keonig, in the biggest film role of his career) and co-pilot
Ray Tanner (Bruce Campbell; MY
NAME IS BRUCE - 2006, where a joke is made about this film!)
are orbiting the Moon when they come across what looks like a
derelict alien spacecraft floating in space. Jason decides to make a
spacewalk to see what he can discover and finds a brown pod-like
device (Never a good thing. Hasn't he ever watched horror films?) and the
skeleton of a humanoid-like creature. He brings both aboard and lands
on Earth, where scientists study the skeleton, but are unable to open
the pod with any known Earth tool (Uh, oh!). A government exec thinks
this is NASA's way of increasing their budget for the year (he thinks
both items were planted!), so they all go out to the coffee room to
talk. While they are there, the pod opens and a smaller robot like we
saw in the beginning takes control on NASA's computers and uses parts
from the corpse and electronic parts to make a giant robot of itself,
which it then proceeds to kill the NASA Security Team (it shoots
electric rays out of its head), until Jason gets the idea to use the
vent above the robot to shotgun it in its brain, the robot's only
weak spot. When Jason pulls the trigger, the robot explodes into a
million pieces. Jason and Ray think this is the perfect time to make
another moon landing to try and find this robot race's headquarters
(it has been 20 years since anyone landed on the moon and, as of 2015
(when this review was written), we still haven't. Jason always wanted
to walk on the moon but thought he was "too young in the 60's
and too old in the 80's" to command a spacecraft to the moon.
But that is just what he gets and with Ray by his side. The next time
we see the duo, they are walking on the Moon (the budget wouldn't
allow them to show an actual landing) and take the lunar rover to go
look around. While they are doing that, a giant alien robot steals
their lunar lander (more on that later) and Jason and Ray find some
kind of homebase that isn't the robots'. It looks like some sort of
temple for a humanoid alien race because it has five fingers
indentations to open doors (maybe our ancestors?) and discover a
female humanoid named Mera (Leigh Lombardi; MURPHY'S
LAW - 1986) in a state of cryogenics, She wakes up and cries
when she sees the skeleton of her husband guarding her sleeping
chamber. Now our trio (Mera still hasn't learned English, but she is
catching on) begin the walk back to the lunar module, when they are
told by their orbiting buddy Beck (Tom Case), that something moved
the module and they must look for it. As soon as Beck says that, his
ship goes bonkers and crashes on the Moon's surface. Suddenly, giant
robots jump up from beneath the Moon's surface (the film's most
effective scene) and Jason, Ray and Mera must fight them (I like the
fact that the firing space weapons made no sound because there is no
sound in space), until Ray is killed by one of them and Jason blows
it away. Jason and Mera rest in a portable Moon tent (you really have
to see it to believe it), where they make love (C'mon now!) until a
brief glimpse of a robotized Ray appears at the window (Jason blows
its head off). Jason and Mera are then knocked out by two giant
robots and taken to the derelict spaceship that Jason explored
earlier in the film. It is at that time Jason discovers that he and
Mera are just merely parts for the alien robots and the real thing
they were looking for was the lunar module, which will make the
spaceship fly (A super-intelligent alien race needs 20 year-old
American technology to make their spaceship run? And they waited
14,000 years for it to happen? My brain hurts!). Jason manages to
break free while one of the robots tries to remove a piece of Mera,
saves her and blows up the lunar module, using the propulsion of his
firing weapons to allow him and Mera to leave the ship through a
breach in the hull (the ship explodes) and being picked-up by the
crew of waiting shuttle Intrepid. Back on Earth, Jason and Mera (who
are now living together) wonder if these aliens will ever make it to
Earth. We then cut to an auto junkyard, where a brown pod opens and a
small robot appears. THE END. It's obvious that director/producer
Robert Dyke (the vastly underrated and underseen TIMEQUEST
- 2000; there are talks that he is making a sequel to MOONTRAP
in 2015, but it is still a rumor) and screenwriter Tex Ragsdale (his
only screenwriting credit, although his name is attached to the
rumored sequel) were working here on a very low budget and what
low-resolution VHS was able to cover-up, film-quality Blu-Ray just
exposes. The miniatures used in this film are now quite obvious (so
is the stock footage supplied by NASA), as are the cheap optical
effects. While we can see the robots in all their full-featured
glory, we can also see that they are not as complex as we once
thought they were, but it was a nice touch using the skeleton's torso
as a robot body part for the scene back on Earth. This still isn't a
bad film; quite far from it, but Walter Koenig is really not a great
actor (that is probably why he was not offered more major parts other
than as "Chekov" in the STAR
TREK series and film sequels) and the normally manic Bruce
Campbell seems to be running on autopilot here. There's a lot to
like, including taking scientific facts about space seriously (except
for that damned Moon tent!) and some of the robot scenes do make you
jump. It's a minor film for sure, and I'm surprised it received the
Blu-Ray treatment (it looks absolutely wonderful), but you could do a
lot, lot worse than watching this sometimes involving science fiction
film that seems to imply that we all came from the Moon. Also
starring Robert Kurcz, John J. Saunders, Reavis Graham, Judy Levitt
and Reuben Yabuku. There are longer versions of this film in Japan
and other countries that offer more exposition (but no further
violence) between Jason and his son (Doug Childs), but since it is
just talk, it would do nothing to improve the film. This version says
all you need to know. I'm still a little stymied as to why this film
received an R-Rating, since the majority of violence is robots
blowing up (even robot Campbell's exploding head lasts less than a
second) and most of the human deaths are bloodless (all we see of
Campbell's death is blood coming out of his mouth and nose), so a
PG-13 Rating would seem more appropriate. But this film was released
at a time when the MPAA was cracking down on violence on all
independent horror and science fiction films, so I am not surprised.
Originally released on VHS by Shapiro
Glickenhaus Entertainment (SGE) and given the DVD & Blu-Ray
treatment by Olive Films. Rated
R.
MUTANT
ON THE BOUNTY (1989)
- Strange
sci-fi/comedy which contains gross-out scenes along with futuristic
hardware and dimwitted comedy. Max (Kyle T. Heffner), a saxophone
player, gets lost in a transporter beam for 23 years until the crew
from the U.S.S. Bounty accidently bump into him. Due to a malfunction
in the ship's transporter room, Max materializes in mutated form, his
face hideously disfigured with a phone receiver lodged in his skull.
The captain of the ship dies of a heart attack after seeing Max's
face. This leaves the ship in a state of chaos, with the crew unsure
of who is in command. The ship's droid (John Roarke), a lackey who
works for the company that commissioned the Bounty to explore distant
planets for plant life, frequently gets on the crew's nerves with his
constant demands that they follow company policy (sounds like ALIEN,
doesn't it?). But the Bounty has more serious problems. A freak
accident causes Max's suitcase to be switched with one that contains
a germ warfare weapon owned by a pair of murderous theives. The
theives trace the case to the Bounty and take the crew prisoner. This
is a hit or miss affair and a lot of the humor depends on what frame
of mind you are in. The ship's doctor performs a delicate operation
while smoking a cigarette. A man is sucked down a toilet bowl. Max's
head constantly rings. There are a few inventive touches along the
way but one gets the feeling that the film's witty title is what got
the film the go-ahead to be made. Then a screenplay had to be written
so something showed on screen. The truth is that Max has very little
to do with the plot, except to introduce the suitcase. High concept
title, low concept plot. Director Robert Torrance has too much space
between his ears to make this film fly. Also starring Deborah Benson
and John Furey. A Southgate
Entertainment Home Video Release. Unrated.
THE
NEW BARBARIANS (1983) - Another
one of Pastaland's endless cycle of ROAD
WARRIOR
(1982) rip-offs. This
one is a retitling of WARRIORS
OF THE WASTELAND
recorded in the EP mode on the Simitar label. It's post holocaust
time again and a roving band of homosexual psychopaths known as the
Templars travel the nuked-out land killing everyone they see. The
leader of the Templars (a salt and pepper bearded George Eastman, the
title character in THE
GRIM REAPER
- 1980) believes that the world would be better off with no human
life (?) and spouts his philosophy to his all male crew. His motto
is, "Living is a crime punishable by death."! Enter
Scorpion (Timothy Brent), a loner who gets into the Templars' way one
too many times. After killing one of the Templars' best warriors,
Scorpion is captured and Eastman personally welcomes him in a rather
unfriendly way (needless to say it's literally a real pain in the ass
and unpleasant to watch). Nadir (Fred Williamson), another loner,
saves Scorpion and after soothing his bruised ego (as well as his
bruised posterior) they go after the Templars for a final
confrontation. There is enough blood and guts on view to keep
gorehounds entertained as Williamson shoots his explosive-tipped
arrows into the bodies of Templars while the camera shows the
aftermath in slow motion. There is also a vehicle equipped with a
spinning blade that decapitates people, as well as numerous
explosions and other carnage. Director Enzo G. Castellari is an old
hand at this type of film, being responsible for 1990:
THE BRONX WARRIORS
(1982) and its' sequel BRONX
WARRIORS 2
(1983) as well as the Lou Ferrigno snorefest SINBAD
OF THE SEVEN SEAS
(1989). As it stands THE
NEW BARBARIANS
(a.k.a. 2019: THE NEW BARBARIANS)
contains enough twisted imagery and unusual set pieces to make it
worth a look. Just don't look for anything spectacular. A Simitar
Home Video Release. Also available on DVD
in its widescreen OAR from Shriek Show. Also available in a Blu-Ray/DVD
Combo Pack from Blue Underground.
Not Rated.
THE
NEW GLADIATORS (1983) - You
want to know what really pisses me off? Nearly all of the late Lucio
Fulci's output is given the loving treatment it deserves on U.S. DVD
and Blu-Ray, except for this film, Fulci's only foray into the
post-apocalypse genre. And it's not a half-bad film. But there hasn't
been an upgrade of this film on disc since Troma's awful fullscreen
DVD transfer in 2001, which was obviously taken from a video master.
To add insult to injury, before the film plays, Troma president Lloyd
Kaufman comes on screen in a video segment to make fun of the film
(saying the film was made 17 years before Ridley Scott's GLADIATOR,
which this film bears absolutely no resemblance to). For Christ's
sake, he can't even pronounce Fulci's name correctly and he mentions
Fulci's death due to diabetes while a "funny" altercation
between a Troma crackhead and a citizen plays in the background!
I've never seen such insolence in my life (Kaufman did these
videotape introductions for many of Troma's early DVD releases and
they all were unprofessional and obviously being read off of cue
cards, since Kaufman has no idea about genre film history and their
important figureheads like Fulci, even though his company has a
library of over 200 genre films). He even had the nerve to say this
was the unedited Director's Cut, but Fulci passed away four years
before Troma even released it and I'm sure a "director's
cut" wouldn't be in fullscreen; the director would want to make
sure that the film was shown in its proper aspect ratio. After the
"hilarious" video segment is done, the film begins to play
and the actual title on-screen is ROME,
2072 A.D. NEW GLADIATORS (I bought a DVD under this title
off eBay in what I thought was a legitimate widescreen foreign
version, only to discover that it was a poor widescreen DVD-R boot of
the Japanese VHS tape with Japanese subtitles that fill up half the
screen, from gray market company Underground Empire! This is one of
the major reasons why I don't use eBay anymore. Just take a look at
the DVD cover [by clicking on the title link] to see how much care
they put into their illegal releases [The scan was not altered in any
way].). Now let's talk about the actual film. This film (Shot under
the title I
guerrieri dell'anno 2072. Translation: "Warriors Of
The Year 2072") actually predates THE
RUNNING MAN by four years (almost the same scenario used in
Joe D'Amato's excellent post-nuke flick ENDGAME
in 1983). After decades of war and death, two television networks
compete with reality TV series that show real people getting killed,
fighting for their lives for fame, money and fabulous prizes (It
seems to me that we are not far from it actually happening, since
reality stars today are committing suicide when their 15 minutes of
fame are up and they have nowhere to go but down. Can actual death on
screen be far behind? It seems to be the only "reality" not
being exploited today.). But enough with the social commentary. Both
Fulci and D'Amato came up with reality TV a good 15 years before it
actually happened, only their reality shows don't show selfish and
vain people bitching and moaning at each other. They are shown
fighting to the death. In Fulci's film, "Super Champion
Drake" (Jared Martin; Fulci's AENIGMA
- 1987) is the star of the show "KILL BIKE" (which the
announcer says, "Bought to you live, until the death!"),
where people from different "sectors" from around the world
battle each other on motorcycles to the death. We see Drake perform
stunts on his bike (like standing on the seat, where he kicks
opponents off their bikes) while killing the competition. In this
episode, Drake is once again the winner, as his final competitor
crashes his bike into a wall, it exploding into flames while he is
still on it. Competing network WBS has a reality show called "THE
DANGER GAME", where each week a contestant faces their worse
fear and, if they survive, they win a big cash prise. This week's
contestant is a woman, whom we see is tied up under a swinging sharp
pendulum. She can't control her fear and screams, as the swinging
pendulum slices her throat until her head is nearly severed (This
being a Fulci film, little is left to the imagination). The
differating factor in both competing series is that the people on THE
DANGER GAME are really not in any real danger. They have a computer
hooked up to their brain and their worst fears play out in virtual
reality, so if they die in the computer, they still survive in real
life. They just don't win the cash prize. Unfortunately, WBS' ratings
are taking a nose dive, so Sam (an uncredited appearance by Giovanni
Di Benedetto; THE
EERIE MIDNIGHT HORROR SHOW - 1974), the owner of WBS, orders
his executives to come up with a show that brings back the days of
ancient Rome, where gladiators fought each other to the death in an
arena (they are actually going to film it in the ruins of Rome's
Colosseum!). He gives the network executives, which include Cortez
(Claudia Cassinelli; FLAVIA
THE HERETIC - 1974) and Sarah (Eleonora Brigliadori, billed
here as "Eleonor Gold"; her first film), 40 days to create
the show and tells them that if the ratings don't beat KILL BIKE,
they will become contestants on their own show. The show will take
twenty Death Row inmates who will fight each other to the death, the
winner promised a pardon. When Drake is coming home one night, he
sees three whistling thugs murdering his wife Susan (Valeria Cavalli; A
BLADE IN THE DARK - 1983; billed here as "Valerie
Jones"). Drake supposedly kills the three thugs and is sentenced
to Death Row for their murders, so he becomes the new star gladiator
on his rival network's soon-to-debut show, which is called "THE
BATTLE OF THE DAMNED". Drake, along with the other Death Row
contestants, has a metal band burned into his wrist to keep track of
him, and is told by old foe Cortez (who tells Drake he would go to
Hell if it would improve ratings) that he has hired evil guard Raven
(Harold Ross; THE
KILLER RESERVED NINE SEATS - 1974; WEREWOLF
WOMAN - 1976) to keep him in line and has instructed Raven
to use a painful force field weapon on him if he tries to escape.
Drake meets his Death Row opponents: Abdul (Fred Williamson; 1990:
THE BRONX WARRIORS - 1982); Kirk (Al Cliver; THE
MAN HUNTER - 1980); Tango (Mario Novelli; MILANO
CALIBRO 9 - 1972; here billed as "Tony Sanders");
Akira (Hal "Haruiko" Yamanouchi; 2020:
TEXAS GLADIATORS - 1982; another great post-nuke film); and
several other who are not given much screen time. Also on hand is
Drake's old friend Monk (Donald O'Brien; ZOMBIE
HOLOCAUST a.k.a. DOCTOR
BUTCHER M.D. - 1980), an unjustly convicted Death Row inmate
with a deformed face and synthetic eyes, who will act as Drake's
trainer. The problem is, Drake is actually innocent, as the
conscience-stricken Sarah shows him footage that reveals that
Cortez's goons killed the three whistling killers while Drake was
unconscious as he crashed through a window to save his wife (We see
one of the goons shoot one of the killers in the face with a ray gun
and his face melts away into a pile of goo). It seems Cortez wanted
Drake to star on his new show, serving two purposes: To steal him
from the rival network and to torture Drake for their past
experiences together (which is never really revealed). In the film's
most tense moment, Drake tests Raven's dominance by threatening to
walk into a disintegration field if Raven doesn't turn it off (Drake
knows Cortez and WBS need him alive for the premiere episode) and
Raven caves-in, with Drake winning the respect of the Death Row
contestants, especially Abdul and Kirk (who Raven was going to kill
just for the hell of it after beating him to a pulp). When Drake and
Abdul try to escape and are caught, all of the contestants are forced
to hang from a bar for thirteen minutes over a deadly electrified
floor. When an already battered Kirk can't hang on for the full
thirteen minutes, Drake and Abdul come up with a novel way to save
him, which pisses off Raven to no end. Sarah goes to Professor Towman
(Cosimo Cinieri; Fulci's MURDER
ROCK-DANCING DEATH - 1984), the creator of WBS'
super-computer, which he named "Junior", to tell him that
Junior may have become "self-aware", but the Professor is
killed by someone we can't see before he can do anything about it.
Another show producer, Sybil (Penny Brown; CUT
AND RUN - 1985), is also murdered, but who can be doing it?
The first episode of THE BATTLE OF THE DAMNED premieres and it's a
bona-fide ratings smash, as the Death Row inmates ride motorcycles
and use swords, maces and jousting spears in the Colosseum to kill
each other or knock them off their bikes (One gladiator on a
motorcycle is decapitated when he rides into a taught wire and
another gladiator is blown-up on his bike). They then go into
hand-to-hand combat using various deadly weapons (lots of stabbing
and impalements). During the second half of the show, two gladiators
pair-up and ride motorcycles with side cars that are made to look
like chariots, as the various "chariots" fight each other
for twenty
laps (We see one chariot rider have his head torn off when the
chariot hits a fence with sharp spikes on top and another set on fire
with a flame thrower and dragged from the back of a chariot).
Sarah learns that twenty minutes after the episode is over, Cortez
plans to terminate the remaining gladiators by
"de-materializing" them using the metal wristbands they all
wear, so Cortez can discredit Sam and take over WBS. Sarah shows up
on the track to warn Drake and Abdul about what is going to happen,
so the only way to stop them from being killed is to destroy the
control tower at the top of the Colosseum (When Raven runs out onto
the track to stop Sarah, he is stabbed with a sword and run over with
a chariot). Cortez, to save his own life, tells Drake, Abdul and
other surviving gladiators that Sam is behind it all and they have
six minutes to live before their wristbands vaporize them (When Kirk
removes the band from his wrist, he dies instantly). They discover
Sam isn't human at all, but just a human avatar created by
super-computer Junior. Sarah has one last way to destroy Junior (who
is hidden in a satellite high above Earth). Monk won't let anyone
destroy Junior because the computer gave him back his sight with the
synthetic eyes it created for him. Drake has to blast his friend with
a ray gun (one of Monk's artificial eyes pops out of its socket,
which they all discover is a hidden camera that kept a visual eye on
them all) and they now know that Monk was a spy for Junior. It turns
out that Junior's destruction code sequence can be found in the
memory of the eye Monk used to spy on them and they destroy the
satellite just in the nick of time before all the gladiators die. The
future doesn't change because of this, but a lot of Death Row killers
can now walk the streets freely, so that should make everyone feel
safe (ahem). Entertaining from beginning to end, thanks to a
screenplay from Fulci, Cesar Frugoni, Dardano Sacchetti and Elisa
Briganti (the last two [who have been married to each other for a
long time] also co-writing the screenplays to THE
INGLORIOUS BASTARDS [1978]; Fulci's ZOMBIE
[1979], HOUSE BY
THE CEMETERY [1981] and MANHATTAN
BABY [1982]; the post-nuke EXTERMINATORS
OF THE YEAR 3000 [1983]; and HANDS
OF STEEL [1986]) and some over-the-top violence (but this is
not one of Fulci's gorefests). I'm surprised this film doesn't get
the recognition it deserves for predicting the Reality TV craze,
critics rather pointing to THE
RUNNING MAN as the most influential (proving that most
critics don't know their ass from their elbow, even though the Arnold
Schwarzenegger film mentions this movie in a quick bit of dialogue).
Some of the futuristic miniature effects (from Al Passeri, future
director of the absolutely terrible CREATURES
FROM THE ABYSS - 1994) are very well done for such a
low-budget affair, but the same cannot be said for the optical
effects (also by Passeri), which are cheap and unconvincing. People
with epilepsy should be warned because many of the scenes have a
quick flashing effect (done on purpose) and it may cause you to have
fits. Originally released on VHS by Media
Home Entertainment. The only U.S. disc release is the awful 2001
fullscreen DVD release from Troma, so I think it is time for some
label to pick up the slack and give this film its proper due on
widescreen DVD & Blu-Ray. There are a lot of Fulci fans out there
and this one is guaranteed to be a big seller. My only worry is that
Troma outright owns this film in perpetuity, which means we will
never see a proper version of this. That would suck. Also starring
Cinzia Monreale, Matteo Corzini and a blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameo
by Fulci. A Troma DVD Release. Not Rated.
1990:
THE BRONX WARRIORS (1982) -
I have always been a huge proponent of foreign-made post-apocalypse
films made after the success of THE
ROAD WARRIOR (1981), especially the ones coming from the
Philippines and Italy. There are two Filipino directors (who
are sadly no longer with us), Cirio H. Santiago (you can read my
reviews of every post apocalypse film he directed HERE)
and Bobby A. Suarez (WARRIORS
OF THE APOCALYPSE - 1985) who were exceptional in this
genre, but no other country than Italy churned out so many
entertaining post-nuke films, with well-established directors like
Joe D'Amato (2020
TEXAS GLADIATORS - 1982; ENDGAME
- 1983 [One of my favorites]); Lucio Fulci (THE
NEW GLADIATORS - 1983); Bruno Mattei (RATS:
NIGHT OF TERROR - 1984 (one of the most unusual films in the
genre and, oh, that ending!]); Sergio Martino (AFTER
THE FALL ON NEW YORK - 1983; HANDS
OF STEEL - 1986); Giuliano Carnimeo (EXTERMINATORS
OF THE YEAR 3000 - 1983); Romelo Guerrieri (THE
FINAL EXECUTIONER - 1984); Tonino Ricci (RUSH
- 1983; RAGE - 1984); Giuseppi Varo (URBAN
WARRIORS - 1987) and Vanio Amici (BRONX
EXECUTIONER - 1989) dipping their toes into
the genre, usually using Anglicized pseudonyms. But, for my money,
no one made more entertaining post-apocalypse films better than Enzo
G. Castellari, who used not only post-nuke themes, but
"borrowed" ideas from other films as well. This film was
one of the first to be released theatrically after the success of the
Mel Gibson blockbuster and it not only contains themes from that
film, but also has major nods to THE WARRIORS
(1979) and ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK
(1981). In the beginning of the film, we are informed that "In
1990, the Bronx is officially declared 'No Man's Land'. The
authorities gave up on all attempts to restore law and order. From
then on, the area is ruled by 'The Riders'" (I know some people
in the Bronx today that would agree with that very statement!). We
then see young woman Ann (Stefania Girolami; Castellari's THE
LAST SHARK - 1981; she's the daughter of the director)
running across a bridge into the Bronx. It seems some important
people want to get their hands on her, but she thinks hiding out in
the Bronx will deter their search. It won't. Ann escaped from a
private school she was forced to attend, so when she escapes, the CEO
of The Manhattan Corporation, Samuel Fisher (Enio Girolami;
Castellari's DAY OF THE COBRA
- 1980; he's the brother of the director), hires "The
Hammer" (Vic Morrow, in one of his last movies before he was
beheaded by a helicopter accident on the set of TWILIGHT
ZONE: THE MOVIE - 1983) to capture Ann, who we see is being
harassed by The Zombies, a rollerskating gang that carry hockey
sticks. Along come the motorcycle-riding gang The Riders, whose
leader, Trash (Mark Gregory; WAR
BUS COMMANDO [1989]; whose one expression is that of someone
cutting a wet one and he can't get the stink out of his nose,) saves
Ann after he and his three gang members take out The Zombie members
in memorable ways (One Rider member has a motorcycle equipped with
spring loaded blades. He makes one pass at two Zombie members running
away and cuts their legs, causing them to fall. When he returns, he
cuts the throats on the prone-position Zombie members with the
blades.). Trash is actually a nice guy and asks Ann he he would like
him to return her to the safety of Manhattan, but Ann says she would
rather stay in the Bronx (Trash says, "Nothing is worse than
this hellhole!", to which Ann replies, "That's what you
think!"). Ann joins The Riders (she even gets her own
motorcycle) and their first stop is a pier on the ocean where one of
Trash's buddies is found impaled on a huge shard of wood (to make the
scene even weirder, we see a drummer in the distance playing his drum
kit, like it is the theme music for The Riders!). Enter The Tigers
(and a different drumming tune!), another gang that drives impeccably
souped-up versions of classic hot rods. The head of The Tigers, The
Ogre (Fred Williamson, who is no stranger to Italian post-nuke films,
appearing in four of them!), tells Trash that he killed his friend
because he was working undercover for the police in Manhattan and
pulls out a tracking device (which looks like a digital wristwatch)
that he says his friend was wearing (In this film, the police are the
worst of the worst, putting any of the Bronx gangs to shame when it
comes to dirty deeds, something else I'm sure a lot of people in the
real Bronx actually think is true!). The Ogre tells Trash to watch
his back, because if his friend was working for the police, odds are
another member is, too (He's right, as we will soon find out). Sam
Fisher assures his boss (played by the director using the name
"Enzo Girolami", which is what the "G" stands for
in Enzo G. Castellari) that he will bring Ann (Which he calls
"The most influential woman in the world") out of the Bronx
and to the safety of Manhattan, a feat which will prove difficult
because, for the first time in her life, Ann feels safe in the arms
of Trash and makes him promise to never let anyone take her away.
Problems arise when The Hammer (which Fred Williamson must have been
pissed at, since he was known as "The Hammer" as far back
as his 1972 blaxploitation film HAMMER.
Even I still call him Fred "The Hammer" Williamson and he
loves to be called that!) shows up at The Riders headquarters and
kills two members at point-blank rage with blasts fron his shotgun,
so Trash and the rest of the gang chase him, seeing him jump on the
running board of a semi truck traveling down the street. Trash and
his gang manage to stop the semi, but the only person they find
inside is the club-footed Hot Dog (Christopher Connelly; THE
RAIDERS OF ATLANTIS - 1983); somehow The Hammer has escaped.
Before Trash and his gang give their two dead members a Viking-style
funeral, Trash finds a ring in the shape of a tiger's head next to
their bodies, which vocal member Ice (John Loffredo; LADY
FRANKENSTEIN - 1971), Trash's right-hand man, takes to mean
that The Tigers are responsible and wants to have a rumble with them,
but the level-headed Trash thinks this whole situation is a little
too pat and is nothing but a trap. Then Ann tells Trash who she
really is. When she turns 18 years-old in a few days, she will
inherit the Manhattan Corporation, which controls 60% of the world's
arms production and many people want to kidnap her (including her
father, the vice-president of The Manhattan Corporation), so she
signs the controlling interest over to them before they kill her. In
other words, she is worth a shitload of money. Ann is kidnapped by
The Zombies, whose leader is Golan (Italian staple George Eastman;
real name: Luigi Montefiori, who has done more for Italian genre
films than any other actor, appearing in five Italian post-nuke
films, starring in classic films like Mario Bava's RABID
DOGS [1974]; Joe D'Amato's gore-a-thon THE
GRIM REAPER [a.k.a. ANTHROPOPHAGUS
- 1980] and the semi-sequel MONSTER
HUNTER [1981] and directing METAMORPHOSIS
[1989]), so Trash and three of his men must travel to the other side
of the Bronx, battling several costumed gangs, to get to The Tigers
headquarters and ask The Ogre for his help. Trash makes a deal with
the female head (Carla Brait; TORSO
- 1973) of The Iron Men Gang (who look like they stepped out of a
dress rehearsal of Pippin!) to cross her territory without fighting,
but Trash and his three men will have to fight a few other gangs (one
of them dresses as mummies!) to get to The Tigers and not all will
make it. Meanwhile, Ice has become a turncoat and is now working with
The Hammer, who murders one of The Ogre's lieutenants and pins it on
Trash. Just like Trash, The Ogre is a level-headed leader and doesn't
for a minute believe that Trash is responsible for the death (It's
nice to watch a film where leaders of gangs use their brains as much
as they use their fists), so he agrees to join Trash (with his trusty
whip-wielding right-hand woman Witch, played by Betty Dessy [her only
film]) and rescue Ann. The despicable Ice also makes a deal with
Golan to make money off of Ann and control the entire Bronx together.
Trash finds friend and fellow Riders member Leech (Angelo Ranguso)
strung-up and nearly dead. He tells Trash of Ice's plans and then
dies. Hot Dog is also tired of being used by The Hammer and the
Manhattan Corporation and decides to do something about it. The Ogre
kills Golan and Trash frees Ann, while Hot
Dog delays Ice long enough (but dies in the process when Ice kicks
him in the stomach with a knife blade that protrudes out of the toe
of his boot) for Trash to reach him and fight Ice in a battle to the
death. Ice falls down a hole in the floor and is impaled in the
stomach by a piece of rebar sticking out of the floor. The gangs
party, while Ann plays piano, as they celebrate her 18th birthday and
give her a cake in the shape of the Bronx. But The Hammer and his
flame-thrower goon squad interrupt the celebration and kill nearly
everyone, including Ann, while The Hammer just stands there laughing
maniacally (The Ogre and Ann's deaths are particularly poignant, as
are a few people, including Witch, that we see burning to death). The
film ends with Trash killing The Hammer and dragging his body
throughout the streets of the Bronx on the back of his motorcycle as
the end credits roll. Don't worry, because Trash will return to take
on a slew of new bad guys in Castellari's sequel BRONX
WARRIORS 2 (a.k.a. ESCAPE
FROM THE BRONX - 1983). Although there are much more
violent post-nuke films, the screenplay, by Castellari, Dardano
Sacchetti and Elisa Briganti (the last two also co-wrote the
screenplays to Lucio Fulci's ZOMBIE
[1979] and Lamberto Bava's A
BLADE IN THE DARK [1983]), manages to give some of the
leaders of the gangs a sense of humanity, even if they are living in
subhuman conditions. That's not to say that they won't get violent
when the circumstances demand it (The Ogre beheads a rival gang
member when he tries to bite Trash, but Trash politely says
"Thanks" to The Ogre.). Since most of the major players
(besides Christopher Connelly) are dubbed, even though it looks like
everyone is speaking English, the dialogue can sometimes be clumsy,
but Enzo C. Castellari manages to build suspense and turn in a quite
depressing finale, something I didn't expect. Castellari is an old
hand at directing Italian genre films of every kind, making Spaghetti
Westerns, Giallo films, Poliziottescos (Italian police and crime
films), War Films (THE
INGLORIOUS BASTARDS - 1978), the two previously mentioned
Post-Nuke Films plus THE
NEW BARBARIONS (a.k.a. WARRIORS
OF THE WASTELAND - 1983), Action Films (LIGHT
BLAST - 1985; HAMMERHEAD
- 1987; STRIKER - 1988),
Fantasies (SINBAD OF
THE SEVEN SEAS - 1989) and a series of six popular Italian TV
movies starring Bud Spencer as crime fighter EXTRALARGE
(1991-1992; director Alessandro Capone [WITCH
STORY - 1989] directed the next six films in the series from
1993 - 1994). He is still making films up to the time this review was
written. Originally released on VHS
in edited form by Best Film & Video Corp. and Media
Home Entertainment. During the early years of the New
Millennium, Shriek Show released this and a handfull of other
post-apocalypse films on DVD in
widescreen. Back then, it was nice to see these film in their
original aspect ratio. These films are now getting the love they
deserve on Blu-Ray
from Blue Underground, as are some of Cirio H. Santiago's post-nuke
films on Blu-Ray from Code Red.
It's about time that people started enjoying these film as something
more than ROAD WARRIOR rip-offs. That may be the reason they
were made, but they offer their own brand of entertainment value,
including bloody violence and weird situations (I'm still reeling by
the drummer sequence in this film!). If you have never seen one, this
film is a good place to start since it was one of the first. Also
starring Giovanni Bonadonna, Michelle Maren, Rocco Lero and Massimo
Vanni. A Blue Underground Blu-Ray/DVD
Combo Pack Release. It says "Rated R' on the package, but it is
actually the Unrated version.
NOT
LIKE US (1995) - Two
aliens (Ranier Grant and Billy Burnette), posing as sister and
brother, are experimenting
on the inhabitants of Tranquility, a small town located next to
nowhere. Some of the people turn up dead with a strange purple rash
covering their bodies. A bickering couple (Joanna Pacula, Peter
Onorati) and their kids seem to be the only normal people in this
town. The wife becomes friends with the alien sister but becomes
suspicious when men the sister picks up in bars end up missing. When
her husband also disappears, she sneaks into the aliens' basement and
discovers that they are using humans for plastic surgery experiments
to help make their race more appealing! Yes, this is a comedy and not
a very good one. Since this comes from Roger Corman's Concorde
factory, it's easy to see why. Joanna Pacula (THE
KISS
- 1988) is dull and Peter Onorati (SHELTER
- 1997) sleepwalks through his role. Nearly all the jokes fall flat
with a loud thud. The only saving grace is Ranier Grant (THE
CORPORATION
- 1998), who walks around either topless or nude for most of her
screen time. There are a few bloody moments (a skeleton ripped from a
body and some severed limbs) but nothing to recommend to keep
watching this turd. Director Dave Payne (the bad ALIEN
TERMINATOR
- 1994; the surprisingly good REEKER
[2005] and it's even better sequel NO
MAN'S LAND: THE RISE OF REEKER [2008]) was asleep behind the
camera when he made this. Payne also used the pseudonym "Gene
Hertel" to direct SHOWGIRL
MURDERS
(1995). NOT
LIKE US
also stars Morgan Englund, Annabelle Gurwitch, the late Paul Bartel
and Clint Howard. A New Horizons Home Video Release. Rated
R.
THE
OCCULTIST (1988) - Tim Kincaid,
famous director of porn films (both straight and gay) using the name
"Joe Gage", took the last half of the 80's off from adult
films to direct/write and sometimes produce a series of wacky and
weird straight-to-DTV films (usually with Cynthia DePaula as the
Producer [who just up and disappeared when these films ended, which
makes me believe it was a pseudonym] and Charles Band as uncredited
Executive Producer), ranging from action (RIOT
ON 42ND ST. - 1985; ENEMY
TERRITORY - 1987 [Producer only; received a theatrical
release]), WIP (BAD GIRLS DORMITORY
- 1984; this one actually got a theatrical release), science fiction (ROBOT
HOLOCAUST - 1986; MUTANT HUNT
- 1987), horror (the infamous BREEDERS
- 1986; NECROPOLIS
- 1987 [Producer only]), comedy (SHE'S
BACK - 1989) and this film, which is a strange mixture of
detective/supernatural/science fiction genres. All of Kincaid's
straight directorial efforts weren't
your normal DTV crap. They were crap in their own special way, but
that's not to say that some of them couldn't be enjoyable.
Unfortunately, this movie can't be considered one of those films.
It's more like an endurance test. We see a voodoo ritual where people
(both black and white) are gyrating to native music (some women even
go topless), while two men in tuxedos are begged to stop the voodoo
ritual by a girl (she ends up garroted with a wire by one of the
men). We then witness a man lying on a table at the voodoo ritual,
his chest cut open with a huge knife by voodoo priestess Mama Dora
(Betty Vaughn) and having his skin removed from his body while he
screams. Soon-to-be groom Barney Sanford (Joe Reddig) has inherited a
security firm from his deceased father and Barney is unintentionally
running the company to the ground. We then see cyborg investigator
Waldo Warren (Rick Gianisi) saving a girl from a kidnapping he was
paid to protect. Also watching him are four mysterious men who want
him dead. Barney can get a security contract from the country of San
Caribe, a small (fictional) Caribbean island, but he is going to have
to get Waldo Warren's help as protection (There is no explanation on
why Waldo Warren is a cyborg. He just is.). Barney and Waldo meet in
a bar and then go outside to talk, where Waldo must save Barney's
life from a man & woman hit team. Another woman (Luz Vargas)
explodes when Mama Dora puts a strange-looking bomb on her back.
Barney and company executive Harold (Richard Mooney) go to San Caribe
with female assistant Jane (Kate Goldsborough) and meet the island's
President Davalos (Anibal Lleras) and his uptight, snotty wife
Marianna (Mizan Nunes) at a party at the consulate. Those same four
men are also there. One of the men is the head of a competing
security firm named Ciprian Lane (Doug Delaughter) and his company
has no scruples. They'll take jobs from known U.S. enemies if the
price is right. Waldo is also at the party protecting the President's
daughter Anjanette (Jennifer Kanter), when three black-hooded
assassins with automatic weapons open fire, killing the President and
nearly all the other people at the party. It looks like Barney's
company is not doing such a great job securing the people, or is he
purposely being sabotaged by Ciprian Lane, who wants the San Caribe
account? Or is Marianna working in conjunction with the evil Colonel
Esteves (Matt Mitler) for more nefarious means? As the camera pans
across all the bloody dead bodies at the party, it gives the viewer
enough time to figure out that the film has yet to make any sense.
And where are Waldo's cyborg powers? Marianna is now in charge of San
Caribe. Waldo informs anyone that is still alive (Barney, Harold and
Jane made it) that the guard manning the security cameras was the
first to die, his throat slit before he could set off the alarm. This
means it must be an inside job. Colonel Esteves says it could only be
Anjanette (That came out of his mouth a little too quickly and
easily). Marianna tells Waldo that there are some people on her
island who still believe in the "Dumbala" (voodoo) and will
use any means possible to get rid of her. Seems like she is not
involved in the assassination at all (at least not in the way it went
off). Barney and Harold are attacked by the same male/female hit team
we have seen throughout the film, but Barney and Harold fight them
off (They are one of the worst hit teams in film history and are
eventually killed later in the film. We never learn who hired them.).
Marianne and Anjanette take Waldo to a voodoo ceremony, while Ciprian
Lane and his men watch from above. Marianne walks through hot coals
while Lane's men open fire. Waldo kills one of them and they run
away. Turns out Marianne
and
Colonel Esteves were in on it, but Marianne swears it was never
meant to go this far. Her husband was only meant to get injured. But
it turns out the President is actually still alive, but Colonel
Esteves deep-fries his face and kills him. The Colonel kills two
voodoo men with a weird silver-chained object with a metal spiked
skull on the end. It seems to be attached to a briefcase containing
$17 million, taken from the country's bank. The voodoo gang capture
one of Ciprian Lane's men and Mama Dora kills both him and Marianne
by stabbing them in the stomach, but Barney throws Mama Dora on the
burning embers, she catches on fire and dies horribly. The voodoo
group disappears into the darkness and Anjanette becomes the ruler of
San Caribe, but first they have to escape the vengeful Colonel
Esteves. Waldo makes his thumb and index finger into the shape of a
gun and shoots the Colonel from below and the bullet exits out of the
top of the Colonel's head. While Anjanette gives a press conference,
Harold informs Barney that his bride-to-be has cancelled the wedding.
All Barney can do is shrug his shoulders and try to make his business
better. This is one of Tim Kincaid's worst non-porn films,
although there are a few funny scenes, such as when Waldo guns-down a
couple of people in a mens room with his penis (He tells Barney,
"This is going to cost you extra."), which is actually an
automatic weapon, or killing someone with a bullet that fires out of
his foot ("I just had that installed."). The screenplay, by
Kincaid, is all over the place and leaves more unanswered questions
than answered ones (The biggest ones being: What the hell happened to
Ciprian Lane? Who created Waldo Warren?), the acting is worse than
terrible (Rick Gianisi appeared in most of Kincaid's straight films,
as well as ESCAPE
FROM SAFEHAVEN - 1988; POSED
FOR MURDER - 1989 and played the lead in Troma's SGT.
KABUKIMAN N.Y.P.D
- 1990. He hasn't appeared in anything since 2000.) and, even at 82
minutes, the film seems much too long. The only saving graces are a
bit of nudity and the grisly makeup effects by Ed French, who gives
us a skinning, Mama Dora's fiery death, the face-frying and multiple
bloody bullet hits. Otherwise, I really fail to see what type of
audience this film was made for. It's just a bunch of unrelated ideas
strung together. Listen for music cues from CREEPOZOIDS
(1987), SLAVE
GIRLS FROM BEYOND INFINITY (1987) and CELLAR
DWELLER (1987). Filmed entirely in New York City, most of it
indoors so we don't have to see any tropical scenery. Also known as WALDO
WARREN: PRIVATE DICK WITHOUT A BRAIN and MAXIMUM THRUST.
Also starring Kevin Schmidt, Paul Mulder, Don Christopher Burke,
Brent T. Whitney and the single-monickered Daphne, the last two as
the terrible hit team. Originally released on VHS by Unicorn
Home Video and later on fullscreen DVD by Full
Moon Features. Charles Band has begun numbering the spines of
all his releases and this one is Number 64. Tim Kincaid went back
"Joe Gage" to make porn films, most of them of the all-male
kind, right up until the time this review was written (2015). Unrated.
OMEGA
DOOM (1995) -
What would a week of CritCon be without a review of another Alfred Pyun-directed
turdfest? This boring and overly talky futuristic thriller concerns
a cyborg named Omega Doom (Rutger Hauer, who must have lost a big bet
to star in this sludge) whose memory chip is damaged in a war with
humans. He wanders the nuclear-damaged countryside until he comes to
a town where two warring robot species (called ROMs and Droids) live
together, looking for a cache of buried guns that are reputed to be
hidden in this town by humans who intend to use them to wipe out the
robot population. Hauers appearance causes the two species to
rethink their peaceful existence and soon they are all fighting
Hauer, thinking he is after the guns as well. Nifty title aside, OMEGA
DOOM
is a snorefest of the first degree. Too much talk (which includes
quotes from Dylan Thomas poems!) and not enough action sink this film
faster than a lead balloon. The only plus is Norbert Weisser as a
robot who keeps losing his head throughout the film. He is a regular
cast player in Pyuns films, appearing in ARCADE
(1992), DECEIT
(1993), HEATSEEKER
(1995) and NEMESIS
3: TIME LAPSE
(1996). The real question is: Has Rutger Hauer sunk so low that he
has to appear in crap like this to pay his bills? I hope not. As long
as Albert Pyun keeps churning out chattel like this, I will keep you,
the readers, fairly forewarned. Someone has to do it. I still
cant believe that his ADRENALIN:
FEAR THE RUSH
(1996) got a theatrical release! Also starring Shannon Whirry, Anna
Katarina, Tina Cote and Jahi Zuri. A Columbia Tristar Home Video
Release. Rated
PG-13.
PLAGUERS
(2008) - Low-budget sci-fi/horror film from the director of the CAMP
BLOOD trilogy (1999 - 2005) that is quite watchable if you
can over look the limited set design and some questionable acting
talent (most of the actors here, with the exception of Steve
Railsback, got their start appearing in the no-budget productions
from The Asylum, so you know
what to expect). The crew of the spaceshup U.S.S. Pandora are on
their way back to Earth after a year in space when all hell breaks
loose. New captain Darian Holloway (Alexis Zibolis), who inherited
the duty when the previous captain died in an accident in an air
lock, must contend with a crew who dislike her being the captain, as
well as a new alien power source called Thanatos (a glowing neon
green ball of energy), which seems to be infecting the ship with a
virus. Complicating
matters is a distress call from a derelict ship where a woman can be
heard screaming for her life. The crew doesn't want to answer the
distress call since they are so close to finally reaching Earth and
there are stories floating around of other ships answering distress
calls and never being heard from again, but Captain Holloway orders
the crew to dock with the derelict ship and check it out. She should
have listened to her crew. As they attempt to dock with the ship, the
new power source aboard the Pandora goes haywire and they nearly
crash. Flight Officer Briggs (Chad Nell) comments that it was like
the Pandora didn't want to dock with the other ship. A search party,
consisting of Mason (Robert James; DEAD
MEN WALKING - 2005) and Riley (Jared Michaels; HALLOWEEN
NIGHT - 2006), board the derelict ship and discover that the
inside has been gutted and the crew are nowhere to be found, except
for four young women who seem scared out of their minds. Once
on-board the Pandora, the women tell how they were attacked by space
pirates and left for dead, but Captain Holloway believes there is
something fishy with their story and rightfully so (it turns out that
these four women are actually the pirates). Soon, these four nameless
women are seducing the male crew members with the sole purpose of
taking over the ship. The only crew members that don't fall for their
charms are Science Officer Tarver (Steve Railsback; ED
GEIN - 2000), female doctor Landon (Maija Polsley) and
Captain Holloway, but it is too late. The four women have taken over
the ship, killing Briggs, but during the takeover one of the women
accidentally cracks-open the new power source and is sprayed with an
unknown liquid within the orb. She transforms into a puss-filled
fanged mutant, who begins infecting the Pandora's inhabitants. As
Captain Holloway regains control of the Pandora, she and the
survivors (It is revealed that Tarver is actually an android. Gee, I
wonder what movie they got that idea from?) must find a way to put
the power source in an air lock and flush it out into space before
they reach Earth. More complications arise when the power source
takes complete control of the Pandora, turns off the supply of oxygen
and sends its mutants (including the recently-revived body of the
first captain, who was Holloway's lover) to kill everyone else. Will
Earth be saved or will its entire human population become mutant
chow? While it's apparent that director/screenwriter Brad
Sykes (besides the CAMP BLOOD
films, he has also directed DEATH FACTORY
- 2000 and MUTATION - 2006)
has watched ALIEN (1979) one too
many times (unmasking Tarver as an android two-thirds into the film
is a dead giveaway), he manages to combine it with the again popular
zombie genre to at least put a new spin on it. Most of the acting is
strictly second tier (even the normally reliable Steve Railsback
seems like he's slumming), but there are some good makeup and gore
effects on view to keep fans of this film happily occupied. The best
effect is when one of the female mutants gets the top half of her
head ripped off and she simply grabs her severed noggin off the floor
and reattaches it! There's plenty of other gore on view, especially
during the final third, including flesh munching, chest-ripping, neck
stabbings, face-eating and lots of arterial spray. This is also a
very claustrophobic film due to the fact that most of the film takes
place on the narrow corridors of the Pandora (an old Roger Corman
trick) and the CGI used for the outer space scenes, especially
Pandora's destruction in the finale, isn't very good at all. Add it
all up and PLAGUERS is a
hit-or-miss flick with a lot to offer gore lovers, but very little
else (there is zero nudity considering the mostly female cast) for
fans of sci-fi or horror. It's a nice try, but it could have been a
lot better. Also starring Noelle Perris, Paige La Pierre, Stephanie
Skewes, Erica Browne and David P. Johnson. An Image
Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.
PLANET
OF THE VAMPIRES (1965) - In
the not-so-distant future (I'm beginning to sound like a trailer
narrator!), two spaceships from Earth, the Argos, captained by Mark
Markary (Barry Sullivan; PYRO -
1964), and the Galliot, headed by Captain Sallas (Massimo Righi; THE
MURDER CLINIC - 1966), are sent to unknown planet Aura
to investigate some strange signals eminating from the planet. As
Captain Markary is talking to his brother Toby (Alberto Cevenini; DEATH
ON THE FOURPOSTER - 1964), who is on the Galliot on his
first outer space trip, the radio suddenly goes dead and both ships
are pulled to the surface of Aura under tremendous G forces, forcing
most of the crewmembers to pass out. All except for Mark, that is,
who manages to take control of the Argos
and manually land the ship safely. When the crew of the Argos wake
up, they begin to violently attack each other, as if possessed, but
Mark brings everyone to their senses with some well-placed punches
(for the men) and slaps (for the women) to their faces. Only the
ship's science officer, Dr. Karan (Fernando Villena; THE
DRACULA SAGA - 1973), is still possessed, as he opens the
Argos' hatch door and runs outside without a spacesuit or helmet.
Mark and crewmember Wess (Angel Aranda; SATAN'S
BLOOD - 1977) put on their suits and head outside, finding
Dr. Karan, unhurt, confused and back to his normal self, but he has
no idea how he ended up outside. Was this mysterious signal nothing
but a ploy to bring people to this planet? If so, why?
The crew of the Argos receive an SOS message from the Galliot,
Captain Sallas begging for help, saying that he nor his crew have
very long to live. When the message goes dead, Mark and his crew
pinpoint where the Galliot has landed and go on foot looking for it,
but it won't be easy because Aura's surface is very hot and the
atmosphere is full of a strange fog-like mist. Mark and his crew
carefully make their way to the Galliot and once they get there, they
find two crewmembers lying dead outside the ship and it is obvious
that they killed each other. The hatch of the Galliot is locked from
the inside, but when they look into a window, Mark can see that
everyone, including his brother Toby, are dead, all lying of the
floor covered in blood; the result of them attacking and killing each
other. Mark and his crew search the outside of the ship and find
another dead body, so they wrap all three bodies in plastic and bury
them in their own steel coffins on the surface of Aura. Mark tells
crewmember Eldon (Mario Morales; CROSS
CURRENT - 1971) to stand guard outside the Galliot while he
and the rest of the crew head back to the Argos to get a welding
torch to open the Galliot's hatch door. As Eldon is standing guard,
he hears some creepy voices calling his name, as if it is coming from
the mist on Aura's surface. When Mark and his crew return, they
discover that not only is Eldon missing, so are the dead bodies
of the crewmembers inside the Galliot. Dr. Karan mentions that they
could all be suffering from a shared hallucination, that is until
Wess shows him the blood where one member of the crew was lying. So
how did the bodies disappear? It doesn't take long to find out, as we
watch the three buried crewmembers burst out of their steel coffins,
tearing the plastic off their bodies and walking on their own, no
longer looking quite human and more alien in appearance (a really
effective scene guaranteed to send chills down your body).
When everyone is back at the Argos, luminous globes of light
surround the ship and Bert (Franco Andrei), who is standing guard
outside, screams in pain and dies, his last words being, "Captain
Sallas!" Mark and Wess carry Bert's body inside the Argos, when
he springs to "life" and attacks crewmember Tiona (Evi
Marandi; LUANA, THE GIRL TARZAN
- 1968), so she screams, passes out, and when everyone comes running,
Bert is back on the table, dead. They then wrap Bert's body in
plastic and bury him outside in a steel coffin. I think we can guess
what happens next.
A member of the crew sees something shiny in the distance, so Mark,
Sanya (Norma Bengell; I
DO NOT FORGIVE...I KILL! - 1968) and Carter (Ivan Rassimov; EATEN
ALIVE! - 1980) go to investigate, finding an ancient
derelict alien ship and the skeleton of an alien, three times the
size of a human. Mark and Sanya go inside the ship while Carter
stands guard outside. The interior of the ship seems functional, yet
it is full of debris, inches of dirt on the floor and cobwebs are
everywhere, as if it hasn't been occupied for centuries, if not
longer (There's another huge alien skeleton in the Control Room
and if it doesn't remind you of a certain scene in ALIEN
[1979], then you, my friend are as blind as a bat!). Sanya notices a
piece of alien technology next to the skeleton that seems to be
functional and when she touches it, it shocks her with 200 volts of
electricity (Of course, Mark has to touch it, too!). When Mark
presses a button on the alien control panel (always a good idea), he
hears the alien voice and tells Sanya that the skeleton must have
been this ship's captain and what they are listen to is the captain's
final log (too bad they can't translate it). But Mark and Sanya have
a more serious problem, as the hatch door closes, trapping them
inside the control room. Mark calls for Carter, but there is no
answer, so Mark destroys some alien technology, knocking over the
skeleton, thinking it will open the hatch door, but it doesn't. As
all the oxygen is being sucked out of the control room, Sanya finds a
huge alien tuning fork on the floor, so Mark tries the tuning fork on
the hatch, with no luck. Mark throws the tuning fork to the ground in
anger, which activates the piece of alien technology that shocked him
and Sanya. Mark picks it up and it shocks him badly, but he painfully
carries it to the hatch and it opens, so he and Sanya run outside,
but Carter is nowhere to be found. Thinking he ran back to the Argos
to get some help, they return to the ship, only to discover that
Carter isn't there. To make matters worse, Tiona is very ill, telling
Mark and Sanya that she saw the three Galliot crewmembers they buried
yesterday and they were very much alive. Not believing Tiona,
Mark goes to the burial site and opens the steel coffins, finding
them empty (Make sure you watch the piece of plastic as it flies out
of one of the graves. It's a little shocking piece of terror that was
carefully planned). He believes Tiona now.
The Argos is then visited by "Captain Sallas" and Galliot
crewmember Keir (Federico Boido; ROY
COLT & WINCHESTER JACK - 1970) and Mark has no other
choice but to give them the benefit of the doubt and let them into
the Argos, but when Keir steals an important piece of the Argos'
propulsion system, the only means of leaving this planet, Mark grabs
an escaping Captain Sallas and discovers that his chest is skinless,
exposing his ribcage. "Captain Sallas" says to Mark, "No,
it's not Sallas, just his body. I inhabit the body of your late
captain and I'm just one of many beings on this planet. Many beings
who are desperate. We've been in trouble many years now and we're
fighting to survive. We arranged for several of you to kill each
other so that we could take over your bodies. You are our last
chance. It's imperative that our race continues to exist."
Mark asks, "At our expense?"
and the alien replies, "If you were in our
place, you would understand. On your planet, I know you humans have
fought and killed for centuries. Do you really expect us to be any
different? We cannot be wiped out. We'll stop at nothing, We must
fight, no matter how. We are a race that exists on a vibratory plane
different from yours. Our limitations are entirely different, our
technology. We cannot build anything, spaceships like this. We need
ships to get away. perhaps our survival is possible somewhere else."
Wess asks the aliens if they tried this before (luring people in with
a fake SOS message) and he says yes. Sanya then realizes that the
alien ship she and Mark were just in were also victims of this alien
race. Mark says, "We'll never submit to
a breed of parasites!", but the alien says it won't
be parasitical, it will be symbiotic. In any case they have no
choice; either everyone, both alien and human, goes back to Earth or
no human goes, at least not alive. The alien gives them a choice: Die
on this planet or they will return the propulsion unit and everyone
can leave for Earth. Mark promises that will never happen, telling
the alien that they will sacrifice themselves to save their race.
When the alien hears that, it vacates Captain Sallas' body, so Mark
comes up with a plan to save themselves and the human race. Can he
pull it off? More importantly, can Mark kill his own brother, even
though he's no longer human? Watch the film to get the answers to
those questions. You may be surprised.
It should come as no surprise that this colorful and very
atmospheric science fiction/horror film was directed and co-written
by Mario Bava, who practically invented the bright, gel-colored
lighting we see in this film, seen in such previous films as BLACK
SABBATH (1963) and BLOOD
AND BLACK LACE (1964). Since Bava started his career as a
cinematographer, which Antonio Rinaldi (Bava's KNIVES
OF THE AVENGER - 1966) is credited here, it contains Bava's
patented touches, including the opening shot, where the camera glides
across the floor of the Argos' large Control Room, so you know you
are in for a special treat, something the likes you have never seen
before. The entire film is a visual treat and many of the effects are
done in-camera, whether it be the use of mirrors ("The Schufftan
Process"), forced perspective shots, the use of miniatures or
all three in the same shot, making this film a once-in-a-lifetime
experience you will not soon forget. The sets are no different than
what you would see in an episode of TV's STAR
TREK (1966 - 1969), , but they are given the "Bava
Touch", using fog and gel lighting (red being the primary color)
to give every set an eerie and creepy feel. And Bava doesn't skimp on
the blood and gore, either (especially for 1965), as the dead bodies
we see in the Galliot are covered in the red stuff (excised from
prints when shown on TV as THE DEMON PLANET in the '60s &
'70s). The aliens rising from their steel graves is another sequence
not easily forgotten, as it gave me nightmares when watching it as a
kid on TV. The screenplay, by Bava, Ib Melchior (director/writer of THE
ANGRY RED PLANET [1959] and screenwriter of REPTILICUS
[1961] and JOURNEY
TO THE SEVENTH PLANET [1961]), Alberto Bevilacqua (ATOM
AGE VAMPIRE - 1960), Callisto Cosulich, Antonio Roman and
Rafael J. Salvia, based on Renato Pestriniero's short story "One
Night Of 21 Hours", may not seem like much today, but back in
1965 it was totally original, with an ending that doesn't offer much
hope for the human race. Mario Bava once again proves that he was
easily Italy's top director of genre films, whether it be Horror,
Science Fiction, Peplum, Giallo, Western or Fantasy. All you have to
do is look him up on IMDb to see for yourself what he gave us and how
it influenced those who came after him, especially the aforementioned ALIEN
(1979), even if director Ridley Scott denies it (but screenwriter Dan
O'Bannon doesn't!). Everything in this film is first rate, including
the costumes (which would be "borrowed" for other Italian
science fiction flicks), the acting, the photography, the set designs
and, especially, the atmosphere, which is so thick it would take the
sharpest knife in the drawer to cut through it. This is also the
first film that Bava's son, Lamberto Bava (A
BLADE IN THE DARK - 1983), worked on with his father, as
"Assistant To The Director", his first film credit. Those
who admire Bava's sense of style and use of color will love this
film. So should those who have no idea who Mario Bava is. It's just a
great film.
Shot as TERRORE
NELLO SPAZIO ("Terror In Space"), this was picked
up for theatrical
distribution in the United States in 1965 by American
International Pictures (A.I.P.), who renamed it (to the review
title), cut out two minutes and released it to an appreciative
audience. A.I.P. had a long and profitable relationship with Mario
Bava, releasing most of his films on these shores since his first
credited directorial film, BLACK
SUNDAY (1960), was a major hit for them. This version was
then released on VHS
in 1985 by Thorn
EMI HBO Video and then re-released on VHS
by Orion Video in 1993, who replaced Gino Marinuzzi Jr.'s music score
with one composed by Kendall Schmidt (NEON
MANIACS - 1985). MGM released it on VHS & DVD
in 2001 as part of their popular "Midnite Movie" series,
restoring the two minutes A.I.P. edited out (also restoring the
original music score). It was then released on DVD & Blu-Ray
in 2014 by Kino Lorber, in
conjunction with MGM, 20th Century-Fox and Scorpion
Releasing, also releasing the full 88-minute version (This
review is based on the Blu-Ray, which looks fantastic!). This version
is also available streaming on Amazon Prime, free for Prime members.
Also featuring Stelio Candelli (THE
KILLER WORE GLOVES - 1974) and Giuseppe Mattei (WEREWOLF
WOMAN - 1976). Not Rated.
PLANETS
AGAINST US (1962) - An
airplane carrying Robert Landersen (Michel Lemoine; SEVEN
WOMEN FOR SATAN - 1974) and his professor father crashes in
the Sahara Desert on its way to Tangiers, just when all radar in the
area is mysteriously blocked. A search of the crash area finds
everyone on board the plane dead, except for Robert Landersen, whose
body cannot be found. On May 10th, rocket launches in Cape Canaveral,
Florida and Atomgrad, Russia crash on takeoff, the reasons unknown,
but all radar was blocked at those locations, too. Other catastrophes
on the same date are happening all over the world (including in
Nevada and the UK), mostly involving aircraft crashing and destroying
atomic facilities, launch sites and other important scientific
installations. The United Nations gets involved, trying to figure out
who or what is causing these crashes. Russia, of course, thinks it is
sabotage, but Professor Miller (Peter Dane; VIOLENT
CITY - 1970), a scientist from NASA, shows representatives
from countries around the world CCTV footage of the sites in Cape
Canaveral, Atomgrad and Nevada, just before the castastrophes
happened, all of them showing someone who looks like Robert Landersen
is at every site. What is strange is that the failed rocket launches
in Cape Canaveral and Atomgrad happened at the very same time on the
very same day. How can one man be in two places at the same time,
thousands of miles apart? Professor Miller says we must find this
unknown man to discover what he is up to and everyone agrees. The
worldwide manhunt is on.
Meanwhile, Professor Giorgio Borri (Jacopo Tecchi) has invented a
new gas that, with just a very small amount, can paralyze an entire
city for two or three days (We see him test the gas on a monkey, who
instantly freezes in place once it sniffs the gas). The Professor's
fiancee, Marina Ferri (Maria Pia Luzi; WOMEN
IN CELL BLOCK 7 - 1973), is about to become a pawn in a
deadly game of cat and mouse, as "Robert" and his unknown
mission seems to be to get close to Marina in order for him to steal
the Professor's paralyzing gas. But why? It's obvious that Robert
isn't Robert at all, as he acts inhuman, seldom speaks, has eyes that
seem to look through people and wears black leather gloves in the
middle of Summer. We then see Professor Borri and Marina sitting
poolside with Marina's best friend, Audrey Bradbury (Jany Clair; HERCULES
AGAINST THE MOON MEN - 1964), a painter of portraits who is
kind of whorish and likes her alcohol, maybe a little too much.
Audrey begins hitting on a total stranger, Major Michelotti (Otello
Toso), who will become a major figure in trying to capture the
stranger. He rebuffs Audrey's sexual advances when he gets an
important phone call and has to leave. "Pity, another
disappointment", says the drunk Audrey about the Major, who then
begins putting down Professor Borri's sexual prowess, as well as his
profession as a biologist, until he gets up and leaves, but not
before saying this: "Audrey, give up the gin. Alcohol's killed
off better painters than you. That's biological." When the
Professor hails a cab, Major Michelotti steals it from him and tells
the driver to take him to the Ministry of Defense.
The next day, Audrey is sketching a streetwalker's portrait on the
side of the road, when she notices "Robert" standing on a
bridge staring intently at the water. She begins to sketch his
portrait, when he notices, walking up to her and saying, "Did
you ask me for my portrait?". He then grabs the sketch, tears it
into pieces and throws it to the ground. Instead of being mad, Audrey
gets turned on and introduces herself. They both leave in her car
when the police arrive to bust all the streetwalkers, but the
prostitute Audrey was sketching picks up the pieces of Robert's
sketch and puts them in her pocketbook, which will soon prove to be
an important clue in discovering Robert's true identity. In Audrey's
car, Robert introduces himself as "Bronco" (which is what I
will call him in the rest of the review) and Audrey, being a whore,
tells Bronco, "I rarely meet anyone as special as you. Your eyes
have a mystery I want to unravel. I want to find out why it is you're
afraid. In bed, of course." (Wow, she's only known him for less
than five minutes and she's already mentioning sex! Did I tell
you she's a whore?). Audrey drives Bronco to her studio so she can
"paint his portrait." Is that how they say "getting
laid" in 1962?
We then see all the busted streetwalkers in a detective's office
complaining about being arrested for doing the community a service.
The prostitute shows the detective the pieces of the sketch she
picked up and tells him Audrey Bradbury drew it, thinking it will
help her case. When the detective puts the pieces together, he
noticed it looks like the photo of the man every law enforcement
agency in the world is looking for. He phones Police headquarters and
talks to Captain Carloni (Marco Guglielmi; MILL
OF THE STONE WOMEN - 1960), the person in charge of the case
in Italy. He tells Captain Carloni about Audrey Bradbury driving the
man away and he tells the detective he will take care of it. Now they
have a solid lead; an address to look for Bronco, so they issue a
nameless officer (Piero Palermini; GAMBLING
CITY - 1975) and his equally nameless partner a video camera
(one that gives us the most unusual angles and POV shots without any
editing!) and stake out Audrey's studio, under orders just to keep
track of the man and not to interfere with him (they have no idea
this man looks like Robert Landersen or that he calls himself
Bronco). In her studio, Audrey hits on Bronco, wondering why the
expression on his face never changes. She says to Bronco, "Tell
me, what Earth do you inhabit? Never had a drop of whiskey, never
heard of the black market or the police? I must know your mystery. I
just need more time." Bronco tells her time is precious for him,
not explaining why. Bronco then stares at a fish bowl and we see the
water instantly boil, killing the goldfish. Bronco admires Audrey's
portrait of Marina and asks if she is married. A visibly hurt Audrey
says Marina is "pretty, rich and wouldn't appeal to you."
Audrey tells Bronco that she's invited to a huge party tonight and
she knows that Marina will be there, asking Bronco to come to the
party with her. Audrey and Bronco go to the party, with the two
officers following them with the video camera, which Bronco spots
immediately (How in the world do they get the shot of Audrey and
Bronco in the front seat, shot through the car's front window??? The
video camera, apparently, also has a live satellite feed connection
so Captain Carloni and Major Michelotti can watch it at Police
Headquarters!). The party is a typical la dolce vita Italian
get-together, complete with butlers and a drunk man who strips naked
and uses a swing to jump in the pool (we see nothing, just hear it).
As soon as Bronco spots Marina, he ditches Audrey and hypnotizes
Marina with his eyes. They then hop in Marina's car (Apparently,
every woman in Italy drives a convertible sports car!) and, without
speaking (talking directly to Marina's mind), Bronco tells her to
take him to Professor Borri's workplace. After Bronco kills two swans
in a pond by simply looking at them (!), Marina tries takes Bronco
there, but they are stopped by police officers who didn't get the
message not to interfere. As one of the officers walks up to the
passenger side of Marina's car, Bronco removes the black leather
glove from his right hand and touches the officer, killing him
immediately and turning him into nothing but a burned skeleton when
Captain Carloni and Major Michelotti get to the scene (Marina and
Bronco speed away from the scene when the officer is killed). Tests
on the officer's skeleton prove he died from a massive dose of
radiation. Yes, Bronco is radioactive, but is he human?
A series of circumstances allow the police to take an x-ray of
Bronco's body, revealing that he is not human, he's a cyborg! (Even
though the film never utters the word "cyborg", I believe
this is the first film to depict them). Professor Miller then appears
at the U.N. and tells everyone his theory (telling everyone that a
UFO shot down Professor Landersen's plane and stole Robert's body to
make duplicate robots in his image; and then after showing a
slideshow of real photos of human deformities caused by the atomic
bombing of Hiroshima!). He believes there is more than one Bronco,
which explains how he could be in two places at the same time. The
Professor goes on to say that he believes that aliens have put
cyborgs on Earth to disable our plans to explore outer space, by
destroying all our launch facilities around the globe. The Professor
also believes that this cyborg is in Italy to steal Professor Borri's
paralyzing gas, so the aliens can put all humanity to sleep while
they conquer our planet and when we wake up, we will discover we are
slaves to the aliens. All the dignitaries of the world instantly
believe him (!), so they come up with a plan to destroy Bronco
by using Professor Borri and his gas as a trap. Audrey pays for her
whorishness, as Bronco returns to her studio and, as she tries to
kiss him, Bronco removes a glove and touches her, turning Audrey into
a skeleton (using stop-motion animation), as she falls on her bed and
then evaporates into thin air, leaving nothing but a black skeleton
stain on her sheets. Bronco once again hypnotizes Marina and makes
her drive him to Professor Borro's laboratory. Marina does it, but
she passes out due to being exposed to Bronco's radiation (Not helped
when she kisses him on the lips! Are all Italian women whores?) So,
will the aliens win or will we defeat them? Marina's no help because
when she is hospitalized for acute radiation poisoning, she loses her
memory and the doctor says it is permanent (being a whore does have
its drawbacks!). Bronco is defeated when a Special Services Agent
(Osvaldo Ruggieri; WEREWOLF
WOMAN - 1976) shoots him in the stomach with a weapon we
have never seen before. An injured Bronco kills the Agent by touching
him with a gloveless hand, steals the Agent's car, where the Agent's
two young sons are sitting in the backseat! A deteriorating Bronco
leads Captain Carloni and Major Michelotti on a car chase (the two
young boys in the backseat don't seem sad at all that they just saw
their father killed, telling Bronco to step on it!), where Bronco
crashes into a light pole (after letting the two boys go free. Damn!)
and a UFO overhead shoots a ball of light into the car, turning
Bronco into a mass of melted metal.
Then, the most unbelievable thing happens, something you don't see
very often in films of this type. Professor Miller appears on screen
and delivers a monologue, which begins, "No
gentlemen, Bronco is finished, but our struggle has only begun.
Other terrifying beings, not much different than Bronco, are all
watching, lurking, prowling,
observing us from dark places. Cleverly hidden among the careless
throngs of every cities in different populations, and they are
powerful, ruthless and maniacal. Yes, it's a dreadful, menacing, but
silent invasion." He then breaks the "Fourth
Wall", turns to the audience, pointing his index finger at us,
while saying, "Even at this moment, this
very second, there may be one of these monsters right next to you,
watching, watching, about to destroy you now!" Un-fucking-believable!
The last time I saw this done was when Elisha Cook, Jr. turned to
the audience in HOUSE ON
HAUNTED HILL (1959) and told us the events of the film could
happen to us. Movies don't usually break the Fourth Wall very often
and it took me by surprise.
I must confess, I hated this film when watching it as a kid on TV in
the '60s because it offered nothing for a young child's mind. As an
adult, however, I can see that it drips with sensuality and
sexuality, being much more adult that any science fiction film from
1962 should be, but nothing surprises me anymore, especially if it
comes from Italy. This black & white film is crazy to the
extreme, thanks to the gonzo performance by Michel Lemoine (CASTLE
OF THE CREEPING FLESH - 1968), but when has Lemoine not been
gonzo? Every film I have seen him in, including the Spaghetti Western
film he starred in, CEMETERY
WITHOUT CROSSES (1969), has his twitchy performance, which
is like a sexual sadist on the prowl, his eyes giving you the creeps
by the way he stares into the camera. There was no actor quite like
him. But that's not all this film offers. All the women here come off
as sexual deviates, be it Audrey's whorish behavior or Marina's
kissing a total stranger on the lips, but they both pay for their
behavior, Audrey losing her life and Marina losing her memory
permanently. Even the women at the party seem more interested what's
in a man's pants than anything else, something that goes completely
unnoticed as a kid.
Not that this is a good film, far from it. Director Romano Ferrara,
who has done nothing else of note, paces this film like it's a snail
race. It's very slow, as it seems to be just a bunch of talking heads
relentlessly discussing not much of anything. It really doesn't pick
up until Bronco takes center stage. The effects in the film are also
very low tech, including a UFO (full of duplicate Broncos) that makes
the one in Ed Wood's PLAN
9 FROM OUTER SPACE (1959) looks like something in Kubrick's 2001:
A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968) in comparison and the alien's mass
production of cyborgs (Using a split screen process, showing a bunch
of Broncos being created in slimy pods, a tip of the hat to INVASION
OF THE BODY SNATCHERS [1956]). I must say that Bronco's
stop-motion disintegration of his chest and stomach, even though done
very low-rent, was still enjoyable and is even a little gory, as it
comes out of left field and is somewhat graphic for people not
expecting it (it was also edited out of the TV prints, depriving kids
of the film's only enjoyment to be had in their young brains).
Bronco's intense interest in water (i.e. standing on a bridge looking
down at it; the killing of goldfish and swans) is quite mysterious
and never explained. The screenplay, by Ferrara and Piero Pierotti
(Mario Bava's ERIK THE CONQUEROR
- 1961; Riccardo Freda's MACISTE
IN HELL - 1962), is a throwback to the 1950's radiation
scare and copies many of the films that played on that fear, but like
I said earlier in the review, this is the first film I can remember
that dealt with cyborgs and, for that reason, it may have its place
in science fiction film history. While I won't recommend it, I will
say this: it's enjoyable if you are in the right frame of mind.
Apparently (I have used that word a lot in this review!), I was in
that frame of mind when watching it (two times in a row!).
Filmed as I
PIANETI CONTRO DI NOI (a literal translation of the review
title) and also known as HANDS OF A KILLER, THE
MONSTER WITH GREEN (YELLOW) EYES and PLANETS AROUND US
(IMDb has it listed under this title, yet I could find no other
material to back it up), this film never received a theatrical
release in the United States, making its first appearance on these
shores on TV in the early-'60s, where it played endlessly before
disappearing in the mid-'70s. This had no legitimate home video
release in any physical format in the U.S., relying on gray market
sites, such as Something Weird Video and Sinister Cinema to release
it on VHS and then on DVD-R. It is available streaming
on Amazon Prime, but it's a fullscreen, splotchy print not up to
Prime's usual quality standards. Still, beggars can't be choosers, so
if you want to see it immediately, Prime is one of your few available
choices. Also featuring Adriano Micantoni (TOMB
OF TORTURE - 1963), Consalvo Dell'Arti (KNIFE
OF ICE - 1972) and Elvira Cortese (THE
GRAND DUEL - 1972). Not Rated.
PRISON
PLANET (1992) - They
don't come much worse than this impossibly bad science fiction
adventure. Blaine
(James Phillips), a futuristic freedom fighter, sets himself up to
be sent to a prison planet so he can rescue the elderly ruler of his
world, who was sent there by the new ruler, his evil brother. Once on
the prison planet, Blaine runs afoul of the leader of a scavenger
gang, Broxton (Michael Foley). Broxton is pissed because Blaine has
killed his brother as well as freed all of Broxton's captive girls,
including a virgin (Deborah Thompson-Carlin) who helps Blaine in his
quest. When Broxton gets wind of Blaine's plan, he recaptures the
virgin and devises his own plan of revenge and profiteering. Will
Blaine succeed with his plan or will Broxton triumph? See if you can
stay awake long enough to find out. Where do I begin in describing
why this is such a terrible film? So many reasons, so little space.
The acting is sub-amateur. Michael Foley (THE
DIVINE ENFORCER
- 1991) not only looks ridiculous in his long black wig and Fu Manchu
mustache, he also puts his fledgling career in jeopardy by appearing
in this turd. His puerile emoting is actually the best performance in
an otherwise unstellar cast. The action scenes are poorly staged,
always knowing how to use the wrong angle when filming a fight. The
special effects and makeup effects are laughable and were probably
done on a budget of $1.98 (if that much). If that's not enough to
keep you away, it's boring to boot! Director/screenwriter Armand
Gazarian also directed the similarly-themed 1988 snoozefest GAMES
OF SURVIVAL
(even if the video box reads "GAME OF SURVIVAL"). One plot
point in PRISON
PLANET
has the leader of the freedom fighters being monikered Gazarian. Do
you think the screenwriter had anything to do with that? Even the
ever-so-unreliable 21st Century Film Corp. should be ashamed for
letting this turkey escape from the film can. This is the nadir of
filmmaking. Believe it or not, this film spawned two
sequels! A Columbia Tristar Home Video Release. Rated
R.
PROTOTYPE
X29A (1992) - Whoa!
Am I dreaming or is this one of the most hypnotic films to come down
the pike in quite
a while? The funny thing is, a film like this should fail miserably.
It's set in the post-apocalyptic nuked-out future, where food and
water are scarse and computer chips are a valuable commodity. It's
got a mad scientist, a vunerable heroine (Lane Lenhart), an
indestructible android (hence the title) and a bow and arrow toting
juvenile (Sebastian Scandiuzzi). Nothing new here, right? As a matter
of fact, it could describe dozens of the MAD
MAX
(1979) clones which litter the video shelves. So what makes this film
so different? It's got characters you begin to care about, some
knock-out special effects (including the Prototype and some state of
the art computer animation [for the time]) and a heavenly choir-like
soundtrack that trancends the usual music found in low budget films
(it reminded me of the great music in the big screen release CANDYMAN
- 1992). I'm not going to give away any more of the plotline other
than to say that it starts rather slow and confusing, but later fills
in all the missing pieces and concludes with one of the most
humanistic, self-sacrificing acts ever committed in a fantasy film
(and it's also highly ironic). The only detraction is the acting
talents of Sebastian Scandiuzzi (son of producer Gian-Carlo
Scandiuzzi). He plays the role of smart-ass kid Sebastian (he's
probably given that name so he doesn't forget his character's name)
and he's as wooden as a petrified piece of a sequoia tree. That
point aside, this is an unusual (and very downbeat) futuristic
thriller with touches of offbeat humor and great music.
Director/screenwriter Phillip Roth also made the snowboard thriller RED
SNOW
(1991), starring PROTOTYPE
producer Gian-Carlo and co-star Mitchell Cox, and DIGITAL
MAN (1994).
If you rush out to rent PROTOTYPE
X29A
based on this review, remember one thing: It's not everyone's cup of
tea (for one thing, the computer animation and gadgetry is old
school, but still effective), but the adventurous will find it
rewarding. A Vidmark Entertainment
Home Video Release. Rated
R.
QUARANTINE
(1989) - Canadian
production, made by and starring people you never heard of before.
In the not so distant future the world is attacked by some
unexplained contagious disease. The totatalitarian government places
all the infected people in quarantine camps,
which are actually concentration camps. This also allows a power-mad
government official (Jerry Wasserman) to have the opportunity of
throwing his political enemies into the camps under the guise of
being contaminated. A girl (Beatrice Boepple), whose father is about
to be thrown into a camp, breaks into the high security building
where Wasserman holds his televised trials and botches her attempt in
kidnapping him. She escapes and hides in the apartment of an inventer
(Garwin Sanford) who has made a machine which can quickly detect any
infected person. Wasserman wants the machine because it will reduce
the police force by 90% and he will finally be able to get rid of the
sadistic police chief (Tom McBeath) who wants his job. Sanford falls
in love with the girl and agrees to help try to spring her father.
Wasserman wants Sanford because he holds the code which will make the
machine operate. McBeath wants Sanford's code so he can get rid of
Wasserman. Sanford just wants the girl (or does he?). In the end,
everyone gets their just desserts. Triple-threat novice (director,
producer & screenwriter) Charles Wilkinson (BLOOD
CLAN
- 1990; BREACH
OF TRUST
- 1995) gives the film a nice look, using a film noir style, but
lacks the talent to tell a story. Some scenes seem to go on forever
without going anywhere. Wasserman and McBeath give good performances
but Boepple and Sandford are too catatonic to elicit any sympathy.
Gunshots sound like cap pistols which really detracts the overall
impact. The film has some nice dialogue, as when Boepple asks a boy
(Kaj-Erik Eriksen) why he acts deaf and mute when he is around
Sanford. He replys, "For sympathy." She then asks him why
he doesn't act that way when he is around her and he says,
"Because you don't look like you have very much." QUARANTINE
is a film with too much flash and not enough development. A Republic
Pictures Home Video Release. Not to be confused with the 2008
"found footage" film QUARANTINE
(God, I hate those type of films. Thanks a lot BLAIR
WITCH PROJECT [1999]!). Rated
R.
RAGE
(1984) - A year after their highly illogical, yet strangely
enjoyable post-nuke actioner RUSH,
director Tonino Ricci (once again using his "Anthony
Richmond" pseudonym) and star Conrad Nichols return with this
semi-sequel (It really bears no similarities to the first film, even
though it was released in some foreign markets under the title RUSH
2: FINAL GAME). Nichols (SECRET
OF THE INCAS' EMPIRE - 1987) is Captain Srike, a.k.a. "Rage",
another in a long line of MAD MAX-type
lone warriors, who travels along the radiation-infected wasteland
that is now Earth, fighting injustice and mutated humans. When we
first meet Rage (the opening minutes is a montage of over-used stock
footage of atomic bomb explosions intercut with scenes of crying
babies, to show us the brutality of atomic annihilation), he is
fighting baddie Victor
(Werner Pochath; COP GAME
- 1988) and his Nazi-like army of machine gun-toting soldiers, only
to be captured after putting up a valiant effort (he kills about
twenty men before getting caught). While transporting Rage back to
their base camp, Victor and his convoy are ambushed by a group of
towel-headed raiders, so Rage grabs a rifle and saves the life of
pretty soldier Mara (Taida Urruzola), Victor's second-in-command.
Rage is taken to a huge underground facility, where he is asked by
the facility's elderly wheelchair-bound leader to command an
expedition to Alpha Base, a military outpost where the last of the
world's uranium is stored; uranium which is needed to save humanity
from deadly radiation exposure. Rage accepts the mission, so he,
Victor, Mara and electronics expert Omar (Cris Huerta) begin their
dangerous trek to Alpha Base. Their first stop is a cantina, where
Rage meets old army nemesis Slash (Steve Eliot; JUST
A DAMNED SOLDIER - 1988), who has maps needed for their
journey. Slash agrees to go with them (after the prerequisite bar
fight) for a 50/50 split of the profits, but Rage waits for Slash and
his men to pass out from a night of drinking, steals the maps and
takes off without him. The rest of the film details our ragtag
group's journey to Alpha Base, where they battle cave people,
earthquakes, landslides and mutants, while a pissed-off Slash and his
army follow closely behind. After reaching Alpha Base and finding out
that the uranium is depleted, Rage and his group grab some seeds left
behind that could reboot our planet and must escape Slash and his men
in an unconventional manner. RAGE,
an Italian/Spanish co-production, makes very little sense, but it
contains enough action and blood to keep fans of this genre happy.
Still, one has to laugh when director Ricci (PANIC
- 1982) and screenwriters Jaime Comas Gil & Eugenio Benito allow
such risible scenes, such as when Victor and his convoy don ponchos
and gas masks to protect them from radiation poisoning (never mind
that they expose enough skin while wearing these "radiation
suits" to ensure that their children will be born with extra
limbs and will glow in the dark!) or when they arrive at Alpha Base,
only to discover that the uranium has been depleted, but the
long-dead occupants had the forethought to put the entire history of
the human race on VHS tapes, so whoever found the tapes would know
how to rebuild the planet (Probably best not to put too much thought
into this, as VHS tapes would be totally erased during a nuclear war,
not to mention where the electricity comes from to run the VCRs years
later!). There's also a booby-trapped jewel-encrusted Bible that
triggers the destruction of Alpha Base when it is picked up. I
haven't even touched upon the other ridiculous plot devices, such as
a train that runs after decades of sitting in the baking sun (which
leads to a Western-style cowboys-and-Indians chase during the finale)
or Victor following Rage and his gang in a Volvo (apparently the only
car sturdy enough to survive a nuclear apocalypse!). It's hilarious
visuals like these, as well as the plentiful gunfights, chases,
explosions and martial arts fights that makes RAGE
such a hoot-and-a-half to watch. Recommended for trash lovers.
Originally available on VHS from U.S.A. Home Video as part of their
"Sybil Danning's Adventure Video" series under the title A
MAN CALLED RAGE. Not available on DVD. Not Rated.
THE
RETURN (1980) - One of the
greatest unsung exploitation directors out there, in my opinion, is
Greydon Clark. He has tackled nearly every genre of exploitation,
from blaxploitation (BLACK
SHAMPOO
- 1976), action (FINAL JUSTICE
- 1984), comedy (WACKO -
1981; JOYSTICKS - 1983),
horror (SATAN'S CHEERLEADERS
- 1977; WITHOUT WARNING -
1979), racial dramas (THE BAD BUNCH
- 1976; SKINHEADS
- 1988), sci-fi (DARK FUTURE
- 1994), the lambada (THE
FORBIDDEN DANCE - 1990) and this film, a strange mixture of
UFOs, cattle mutilations, time vortexes and personal fate. A UFO
hovers over a deserted street in Little Creek, New Mexico and engulfs
a neighborhood boy and a young tourist girl in a blood-red ray and
then heads to the desert where it does the same thing to a prospector
(the late Vincent Schiavelli) and deposits a mysterious flashing
marker on some rocks before disappearing into outer space. Twenty
five years pass and that little boy, Wayne (Jan-Michael Vincent), is
now a cop in the town and the little girl, Jennifer (Cybill
Shepherd), is a big city space researcher sent by her father (Raymond
Burr) to go investigate strange lights that satellite photos are
picking up in the area around Little Creek. Jennifer and Wayne
haven't seen each other since that fateful night twenty-five years
earlier and they don't recognize each other when they meet, but a
series of events, including cattle mutilations, some bloody murders
and strange lights in a cave bring Wayne and Jennifer to the
conclusion that they were fated to meet again. The prospector (who
hasn't aged a day in 25 years) is slicing up cattle and, eventually,
people with a laser rod that cuts through flesh and bone like butter
(supplied by the aliens) and throws the body parts into the light in
the cave, which is actually a portal to the aliens' home planet. Buck
(Martin Landau), the town's sheriff, is stumped by the cattle
mutilations (all photos taken of the mutilations are fogged),
especially since all the cattle are owned by the town's hotheaded
patriarch Walt (Neville Brand), who wants results quickly. When the
bodies of two tourists from a nearby dude ranch are found mutilated
(by the prospector after they caught him carving up cattle), some
stupid townspeople, led by Walt's idiotic son Eddie (Brad Reardon),
blame Jennifer and her fancy electronic equipment for the
mutilations. Wayne saves her from the mob mentality (and possible
rape) and brings her to his home, which is full of books on UFOs and
alien abductions. That's when they both realize that they were the
two kids on the street 25 years ago and they fall in love. Jennifer's
father figures out that the mysterious flashing marker is a star map
telling us when the aliens plan to return and it's going to be
tonight. What do the aliens want and why are they returning? It all
has to do with Jennifer, Wayne and the prospector and ends on a
metaphysical note. This film is one strange bird. I remember
first viewing this on a late night TV showing in the early 80's and
thinking the next morning that I must have dreamed it. I did finally
manage to get my hands on a VHS tape of it and am glad I did. Most of
the gore was missing from the TV print (a lot of it involving
Schiavelli and his laser saw, including Neville Brand's facial
reconstruction and Martin Landau's arm removal) but, even without the
gore, this film is hard to categorize. This film holds a fond place
in my heart and, even though it's by no means a good film, it's an
interesting one that manages to hold your attention throughout. The
screenplay (by genre vets Ken & Jim Wheat and Curtis Burch)
throws a lot of ideas into the mix and, while not all of them
register, it still does have it's moments. This is my favorite
Greydon Clark film. He made WITHOUT WARNING
just before this. Also known as THE ALIEN'S RETURN and EARTHRIGHT.
Also starring Darby Hinton, Ernest Anderson and Susan Kiger. A Thorn
EMI Video VHS Release. Also available on a beautiful widescreen
DVD from Scorpion Releasing.
Buy this DVD if you want to see a rare film done the right way. Not
Rated.
ROBOT
NINJA (1989) - Nerdy comic book
artist Leonard Miller (Michael Todd) is not a happy camper. It seems
television producers have bought the rights to his serious comic book
superhero, Robot Ninja, and turned it into a campy TV series, just
like the BATMAN show in the 60's
(that show's Robin, Burt Ward, puts in an extended cameo here). While
driving home one night, Leonard spots a trio of hooligans raping and
robbing a young couple and he tries to intervene. Leonard ends up
getting the couple killed (the woman gets her jaw blown-off with a
shotgun and the man is repeatedly stabbed in the throat) and he is
sent to the hospital, bloody and bruised. Leonard decides to use this
experience for a new Robot Ninja strip, but Leonard's publisher,
Stanley Kane (Ward), thinks it is much too dark and will turn-off
viewers of the TV series. A rash of killings in Leonard's town
(Ridgway, Ohio) prompts Leonard to have his friend, Dr. Hubert
Goodknight (Bogdan Pecic), build him a real Robot Ninja suit, which
Leonard means to wear while he fights crime, using his exploits as
plots for his comic strip. Leonard drives around town at night
wearing the suit (which is nothing but a black body suit with some
throwing stars sewn on the shoulders)
and listening to a police radio, waiting for crime to occur.
Wouldn't you know it? The same trio that put him in the hospital are
robbing a video store, so Leonard, or rather, Robot Ninja, catches
them coming out of the video store and kills one of them (by stabbing
him in the eyes with specially-made blades that are attached to his
forearm), but a young boy is also killed in the process. To make a
very long, drawn-out story short, Leonard becomes an obsessed
pill-popping superhero who forgets what being a superhero is all
about. After being seriously wounded, Leonard leads the gang back to
the home of Dr. Goodknight. The gang kills Dr. Goodknight (in the
film's gore highlight), which leads Leonard to don the Robot Ninja
costume one last time. After disposing of the rest of the gang, a
mortally-wounded Leonard stumbles home and commits suicide with a
bullet to his brain. The finale shows that there's an upside to
killing yourself: Leonard's Robot Ninja comics, especially his last
one, makes Stanley Kane a rich man. This undeniably amateurish,
though extremely gory, sci-fi horror film was the second directorial
effort by one-man ultra-low-budget auteur J.R. Bookwalter, made a
short time after is first (and still best) film, THE
DEAD NEXT DOOR (1989). As with most of Bookwalter's films (OZONE
- 1993; THE SANDMAN -
1996), the scope of his ambitions are too much for his amateur casts,
meager budgets and lack of real talent to pull it off. ROBOT
NINJA just ambles along at a snail's pace, tossing in a gory
kill every few minutes (including a pistol jammed into an eye socket
before being discharged; a face being kicked-in until it collapses
like a rotting pumpkin; a man pulling out his intestines; various
limbs being hacked off; and lots of stabbings). I guess that if your
only interest is gore, this film is a pretty safe bet, but I like my
films to have something more than blood and guts to hold my interest.
Unfortunately, this film has nothing but bad acting (and characters
have names like Spinell, Cameron, DePalma, Hickox, O'Bannon and such,
just to let us know how hip Bookwalter is as a scripter), not one
single sympathetic character, a droning synthesizer score (also by
Bookwalter) and fight scenes that look like they were choreographed
by Stevie Wonder. Besides Burt Ward, there are cameos by Linnea
Quigley, David DeCoteau (LEECHES
- 2003; also this film's Executive Producer), Kenneth J. Hall (THE
EVIL SPAWN - 1987) and Scott Spiegel (INTRUDER
- 1989), doing his best Jerry Lewis impression. Bookwalter tries to
be different by making the chief bad guy a woman (Maria Markovic),
but she's so butch, she's indistinguishable from any man in the cast.
Toss in headache-inducing handheld camerawork (about 90% of the film)
and absolutely no nudity (the women keep their bras and panties in
while being raped) and ROBOT NINJA
is a film best avoided unless you are a gore fanatic. The opening and
closing credits for this 16mm feature were created on a Commodore
Amiga 500 personal computer. Also sterring Floyd Ewing Jr., Bill
Morrison, James L. Edwards, Michael Kemper and Jon Killough (the
director of SKINNED ALIVE
- 1989). A Cinema Home Video Release. Not Rated. "I am
the Robot Ninja and I kick ass!"
ROBOT
WARS (1993) - This
is the third in a series of producer Charles Band's giant robot
films, the first being ROBOT JOX
(1990 - probably the worst directorial job in Stuart Gordon's career,
if you discount
his TV effort DAUGHTER OF DARKNESS
[1990]) followed by CRASH AND BURN
(1990). In the distant future, in what was the United States, a
border war is erupting. A robot jockey (Don Michael Paul) pilots the
last remaining weapons-equipped giant robot (which looks like a
mechanical scorpion), shuttling tourists between the main city and a
1990's ghost town called Crystal City. A research scientist (Barbara
Crampton) suspects that there is a secret buried under Crystal City
and, along with her reporter friend (Lisa Rinna), set on uncovering
the truth. When a visiting Japanese dignitary (Danny Kamekona), who
is actually one of the bad guys, hijacks the robot and threatens the
lives of the tourists, the robot jockey and the scientist team up and
unbury the secret (a long dormant giant robot) and fight the Jap in a
duel to the death. This extremely short film (just a hair over 70
minutes) boasts some fine effects work by the late David Allen
and stop motion animation by Jim Danforth. Unfortunately, the rest of
the film is rather routine, sprinkled with some forced humor (people
spotting an American flag and not knowing what it is) an inane
dialogue. Barbara Crampton (who looks great) has come a long way from
the days of playing the hapless heroine who learned a new way of
"getting head" in RE-ANIMATOR
(1985). Regrettably she's been traveling in the wrong direction. This
bloodless and fleshless PG-rated quickie is just an excuse for
Charles Band to give his father Albert Band (I
BURY THE LIVING - 1958) something to do in his old age. The
rest of the cassette is fleshed out with coming attractions and
another chapter of the boring Full Moon behind-the-scenes magazine
VideoZone, giving the tape a total running time of 105 minutes! What
a waste of tape. A Paramount Home Video Release. Rated PG.
ROBOWAR
(1988) - You gotta love those Italians. When they see a
bandwagon, they are the first to jump on it. This is director Bruno
Mattei's (using his "Vincent Dawn" pseudonym) take on PREDATOR
(1987) with a little bit of TERMINATOR
(1984) and ROBOCOP (1987)
thrown in. When the
experimental Omega-1 prototype cyborg goes on the fritz and starts
killing soldiers in the Philippines jungle on its' first mission, the
powers-that-be hire the BAM (Bad Asses Motherfuckers) military group,
led by Major Murphy Black (Reb Brown of STRIKE
COMMANDO - 1987), to stop the menace. The only thing is,
they forgot to tell Major Black and his group what they are hunting
and give him a bullshit story about stopping rebels in the territory.
The team go into the jungle and find corpses gutted, hanging from
trees (sound familiar?). They run into guerilla rebels and have many
firefights and in one of those fights rescue missionary worker Virgin
(Catherine Hickland; WITCHERY
- 1988). Mascher (Mel Davidson; STRIKE
COMMANDO 2 - 1988), the only one in the group that knows the
real reason why they are there, finally tells Black and his group the
truth after they are being picked-off one-by-one by Omega-1. Pretty
soon it's down to only Black and Virgin (who the hell names their
daughter "Virgin"?) as they try to fight off Omega-1 before
they are killed. Black surprisingly finds out (via a cassette tape
left to him by Mascher in case of his death), that Omega-1 is
partially human (the head and brain only) and was once Black's best
friend, whom he thought was killed in the last war they fought in
together. Black uses this to his advantage and blows up Omega-1 with
a bomb at the top of a waterfalls. Filled with extreme bits of gore
and plenty of bullet hits, explosions and other carnage, ROBOWAR
is never boring, even though you will sit there slack-jawed finding
all the similarities of the films mentioned above. Reb Brown makes a
poor-man's Schwarzenegger, but the rest of the cast, including Alex
McBride (real name: Massimo Vanni; BRONX
WARRIORS 2 - 1983), Max Laurel (COP
GAME - 1988), John P. Dulaney (SPYDER
- 1988), Jim Gaines (PHANTOM SOLDIERS
- 1987) and Romano Puppo (MEAN
FRANK AND CRAZY TONY - 1973) handle themselves nicely, even
making some bad AIDS and racial jokes, before being dispatched.
Mattei also made the films SHOCKING
DARK
(1989; and released in Italy as TERMINATOR
2!), a scene-for-scene rip-off of Jim Cameron's ALIENS
(1986); and CRUEL JAWS
(1994), which you can guess what that is a rip-off of. As far as
unofficial remakes go, Mattei delivers the goods, even if you feel a
little delirious after watching them. None of these films have a
legitimate release in the US (for legal reasons), but can be
picked-up at various on-line gray market distributors, including Midnight
Video. Also known as ROBOMAN.
UPDATE: ROBOWAR
is now available streaming on Amazon Prime and on Blu-Ray
from Severin Films. Not Rated.
RUSH
(1983) - It's time once again for the post-nuke apocalypse as
only those crazy Italians can pull it off. This time, lone warrior Rush
(Conrad Nichols; SECRET OF
THE INCAS' EMPIRE - 1987) tries his damnedest to protect what
he thinks is probably the last living piece of vegetation left on a
barren and dusty Earth, killing anyone who comes near it and
sacrificing his own well-being by feeding the plant what little water
he has in his possession. While scavenging for water and food in his
six-wheeled dune buggy, Rush happens upon a burned-out city and
watches as the soldiers under the command of evil dictator Yor
(Gordon Mitchell; ENDGAME - 1983; SFX
RETALIATOR - 1987) kill innocent contaminated squatters and
kidnap others for illicit experiments back at Yor's compound. After
fighting some of Yor's soldiers and discovering
that some of them are robots (called "Untouchables"), Rush
is captured and brought back to the compound. When it is discovered
that Rush is not contaminated by radiation, Yor has him locked up and
tortured out of fear that if his slaves learn that it is actually
safe to leave the compound without becoming contaminated, they will
revolt. Rush is eventually put to work at the compound's nursery,
where old timer Homer (Osiride Pevarello) teaches him how to plant
seeds in radioactive soil without being exposed. Rush catches the eye
of pretty kitchen worker Carol (Laura Trotter; CITY
OF THE WALKING DEAD - 1980) and a romance soon develops.
Rush also make enemies with the nursery's alpha male, Steel (Richard
Pizzuti), who makes life tough for the new guy. After a fracas with
some guards, Rush is chained to a concrete column, where Yor sends
his chief interrogator Lorna (Rita Furlan) to use her womanly ways to
find out where Rush lives on the outside. Rush almost falls for the
ruse, but Carol convinces him to lead a revolt out of the compound
with the help of Steel and Homer. Rush also needs to get revenge on
Yor for previously killing his brother and freezing his body (this
plot point suddenly comes out of nowhere and really makes no sense at
whatsoever). Rush, Steel and Homer lead a violent escape out of the
compound, but only Rush makes it out alive (Steel is shot dead and
Homer blows himself up with a grenade when he is surrounded by
guards). Rush is hunted down by Yor and his men (he even has a run-in
with a mutant rat!), but he uses his Rambo-like training (including
forest booby-traps and a runaway tractor) to avoid capture. Rush
steals a Jeep and returns to the compound to save Carol (he manages
to get her and most of the other prisoners killed in the process!)
and has a final confrontation with Yor, who gets a face-full of steam
before falling to his death. Not much in this Italian post-nuke
actioner makes much sense (For instance: If Yor didn't want any of
his slaves finding out it was safe to leave the compound without
being exposed to radiation, why did he put Rush to work in the
nursery?), but director Tonino Ricci (PANIC
- 1982; RAIDERS OF THE
MAGIC IVORY - 1988), here using his frequent "Anthony
Richmond" pseudonym, and screenwriter Tito Carpi (HUNTERS
OF THE GOLDEN COBRA - 1982; ALIEN
FROM THE DEEP - 1989) toss in enough lunacy and violence to
keep the viewer entertained, including an extended FIRST
BLOOD "homage" during the final third of the film
that takes place in a lush, green forest (I guess Ricci and Carpi
forgot that this was supposed to be a barren, dusty Earth!). Ricci
returned a year later with a semi-sequel titled RAGE
(a.k.a. A MAN CALLED RAGE
and RUSH 2: FINAL GAME), also
starring Conrad Nichols (real name: Luigi Mezzanotte). Hey, RUSH
isn't rocket science, but you can enjoy it for what it is: a
mindless, violent post-apocalypse actioner with more brawn than
brains. Also starring Bridgit Pelz, Paolo Celli, Daniele Stroppa and
Luigi Filippo Lodoli. Originally released on VHS by U.S.A.
Home Video as part of their "Sybil
Danning's Adventure Video" line. Not Rated.
SCI-FIGHTERS
(1996) - In the not-too-distant future (2009), Earth is covered
by a brown dust caused by a catastrophic volcanic eruption in Japan,
putting the world in endless darkness, called
"Econight". At a penal colony on the Moon, psychotic
prisoner Adrian Dunn (Billy Drago) kills another prisoner for
stealing one of his cigarettes. He then purposely infects himself
with an alien organism, which gives him the appearance of being dead.
His body is then shipped back to Earth for burial, where he wakes up
and goes on a rape and murder spree. Adrian Dunn is beginning to
mutate into an alien lifeform and anyone he rapes is infected with a
highly contagious virus which begins spreading throughout the city.
Dr. Kirbie Younger (Jayne Heitmeyer), an infectious disease
specialist, is called in to investigate when one of Adrian's rape
victims, Tricia (Donna Sarrasin), becomes extremely ill and is
quarantined. A "Black Shield" police detective (the highest
rank achievavble) named Cameron Grayson (Roddy Piper) takes personal
interest in Trish's rape case when he spots her composite photo of
her attacker. It seems Det. Grayson and Adrian were
once partners until Adrian killed Grayson's wife, Katy, in a fit of
jealous rage and was sent to lunar prison. As the hours pass, Adrian
begins to mutate in an accelerated fashion, first losing his
fingernails as his fingers begin to fuse together. As his condition
begins to worsen, so does his rage and he begins to rape and murder
more women. When Trish's condition begins to look grim (she develops
tumors all over her body and seems to be exhaling methane gas), Dr.
Younger and Det. Grayson begin to work together to find Adrian before
his reign of terror becomes a fullblown epidemic. Trish's body
explodes in quarantine and spits forth alien organisms, one of which
attaches itself to Dr. Gene Washington (Tyrone Benskin), a good
friend of Dr. Younger. Dr. Washington seals off the room and uses
himself as a human guinea pig, transmitting his results to Dr.
Younger via close circuit TV. Grayson, meanwhile, has caught-up with
Adrian and finds out quickly that bullets are useless. Adrian sets
his sights on Dr. Younger, who bears a striking resemblance to Katy
(even Grayson notices it), so it's up to Det. Grayson to keep her
safe. He fails on several occasions to do so, which sets the stage
for a climatic battle between Adrian and Grayson on the hospital's
roof. Say, isn't methane flammable? An uneasy mix of sci-fi and
horror genres, this Canadian production, directed by Peter Svatek (WITCHBOARD
3: THE POSSESSION - 1995; BLEEDERS
- 1997), benefits from some gory special effects (Trish's
stomach-bursting scene; several bloody murders) and some truly
head-scratching scenes, such as Adrian's murder weapon of choice: A
golden penis-shaped dildo with a spring-loaded blade. There's also a
scene where Adrian ties a hooker to a bed, paints eyes over her
nipples and begins throttling her when she tells him that her name
isn't Katy. Billy Drago (HUNTER'S
BLOOD - 1987; DELTA
FORCE 2 - 1990) is his usual wide-eyed, mumbling self,
spending most of his screen time under heavy makeup, babbling
incoherently and calling every woman he meets "Katy". Roddy
Piper (THEY LIVE - 1988; IMMORTAL
COMBAT - 1994) is rather restrained as Det. Grayson. Some
would argue too restrained (no wrestling moves here, just plenty of
gunfights). The film is a little too leisurely-paced for it's own
good, but it does have a sense of humor (When Dr. Younger tells
Grayson that the newest rape victim in the hospital hasn't
"exploded yet", the look on Piper's face is priceless). The
effects, on whole, are quite good for a low-budget DTV production and
the script, by Mark Sevi (SCANNERS:
THE SHOWDOWN - 1994; ARACHNID
- 2001), does try to have an emotional core (especially the
relationship between Dr. Washington and Dr. Younger), but the languid
pacing should have been tightened-up. As it stands, SCI-FIGHTERS
(an awful title) is an interesting failure that could have been so
much better with a little extra adrenaline. There also seems to be
some post-production tampering concerning the foul language. On
several occasions, the word "fuck" has been changed
to "freak" or "frick", yet words such as
"shit" are left intact and the film is full of nudity. It
doesn't make sense. Also starring Richard Raybourne, Karen Elkin,
Chip Chuipka, Andy Bradshaw and Richard Zeman. Also known as CONTAGION
2009. A Triboro Entertainment Group VHS Release. Available
on DVD from Image Entertainment
and Vintage Home Entertainment. Rated R.
SHOCKING
DARK (1989) - This wild and
wacky Italian film is a shameless rip-off of James Cameron's ALIENS
(1986) as well as a touch of his TERMINATOR
(1984) to boot (this was called TERMINATOR
2 in Italy!). The fact that this never got a legal release
in the States
may have something to do with Cameron's influence. As the year 2000
approaches, the city of Venice, Italy has become a polluted mess.
Something strange has happened to a secret underground facility
beneath the city as all communications to the outside have been
cut-off except for one last transmission by a scientist who begs for
a rescue. The Tubular Corporation sends a squad of Marines called the
MegaForce, led by Samuel Fuller (Cristofer Ahrens), to breach the
underground facility and retrieve a diary by a scientist who was
performing top secret experiments. Almost as soon as they are
underground, the MegaForce run into a scientist who has been infected
with an alien lifeform, whose scream temporarily paralyzes everyone.
As they delve further underground, they discover alien lifeforms and
humans who are encased in alien goo who beg the MegaForce,
"Please kill me!" They even find a little girl named
Samantha (Doninica Coulson), who a female member of the force becomes
attached to. Uh, oh! I think I know where this is going. It's not
long before members of the MegaForce are killed by rampaging aliens
and we also find out that the Tubular Corporation has a hidden agenda
and does not want anyone coming back alive. See if you can spot who
plays the Sigourney Weaver, Michael Biehn, Lance Henriksen and Paul
Reiser characters in this. It's really not hard at all. This is one
of Bruno Mattei's (here using his pseudonym "Vincent Dawn")
"homages" to American blockbuster films of the 80's (see ROBOWAR
above). Besides a few minor plot changes, this is nearly an exact
copy of ALIENS that veers off into TERMINATOR territory
in the finale as the last two survivors are chased by a cyborg and
there's even a time machine! I doubt ALIENS has dialogue like,
"If I'd known Wops were coming along, I would have brought my
anti-grease spray!", though. Unredeemingly cheap in it's
execution, SHOCKING DARK
looks like it was shot in a huge boiler room and you never see more
than one alien on the screen at the same time. That's probably
because they could only afford one costume. The actors are all pretty
bad (especially Geretta Giancarlo Field as Kuster, the Black female
member of the squad, who spouts the most racist dialogue here,
including the previously-mentioned "Wop" comment), as all
they do is scream at each other and try to forget that English is
their second language. You'll want to reach through the screen and
strangle Samantha, as all she seems to scream is "SARA!" at
the top of her little lungs. If I had a shotgun, I would have blown
her head off and said I had mistaken her for an alien. Still, it's
good cheesy fun, with dollops of gore, unbelievable wooden dialogue
and so many "spot the rip-off" moments that you can make a
drinking game of it. The only problem is that you'll be hammered by
the 30 minute mark and probably not remember the rest of the film.
Maybe that's a good thing. Also starring Haven Tyler, Tony Lombardo,
Mark Steinborn and Italian exploitation staple Alex McBride. The copy
I viewed was ripped from an English-language Japanese-subtitled VHS
tape. Also known as ALIENATORS.
Available on Blu-Ray
from Severin Films. This
film is Not Rated.
THE
SISTERHOOD (1987) - It's
post-nuke time again and you know what that means: Lots of gun
battles, chases and explosions with the barest of plots to hold it
all together. Two women, Alee (Rebecca Holden) and Vera (Barbara
Hooper), members of a group of legendary Amazons called The
Sisterhood, travel on horseback through the scorched post-apocalyptic
landscape on a rescue mission.
They are one their way to free their fellow Sisters from
imprisonment by the evil Lord Kragg (Kenneth Peerless), who is
holding them in a dungeon and plans on using them for world
domination. You see, each member of the Sisterhood has a magical
power, like the ability to shoot laser beams from their eyes or heal
wounds with the touch of a hand, so Lord Kragg figures on using their
powers to defeat all the other nomadic tribes on Earth. Alee and Vera
are being followed by warrior Mikal (Chuck Wagner) and his men. Mikal
wants Vera, since she has the power to heal. With her by his side, he
cannot be killed in any battle he's in. Mikal and his raiders destroy
a village and he kills the young brother of stablegirl Marya
(Lynn-Holly Johnson), who has the ability to speak with her pet hawk.
Marya joins forces with Alee and Vera and she swears to get even with
Mikal for her brother's death. As the female trio are on their way to
free the Sisterhood, Vera is captured by Mikal, so Alee and Marya
work together to rescue her. Mikal and his men bring Vera to a camp
run by the evil Lord Jak (Anthony East), where Mikal joins forces
with Jak and his men. Alee and Marya have a run-in with a caravan led
by Lord Barak (Robert Dryer), but Barak turns out not to be such a
bad guy and everyone settles their differences amicably. Alee and
Marya then run into a tribe of horribly-scarred scarred mutants and,
as they are fleeing from the mutant horde, they find a cave that
contains a bunker full of automatic weapons, explosives and an
armored vehicle that has been sitting there before the "Great
War" between the United States and Russia (talk about a stroke
of good luck!). Alee and Marya use their new wealth of goodies to
first free Vera and then head-off to save the rest of the Sisterhood.
As the trio storms the village where the Sisterhood is being held
captive, Mikal discovers that one of them is actually his sister! The
mystical female goddess of the Sisterhood appears in the finale to
unshackle all the women and transport them to safety, away from the
cold hands of the male population. Mikal follows them on his chopper,
the only man who has the Sisterhood's best interest at heart (I guess
Marya has given up on making him pay for her brother's death. Maybe
she just forgot.). Yes, this is another of prolific Filipino
director/producer Cirio H. Santiago's 80's post-nuke flicks
(which
includes STRYKER - 1983; WHEELS
OF FIRE - 1984; and EQUALIZER 2000
- 1986) and, yes, it doesn't make a lick of sense but, damn, it sure
is entertaining in an absurd, brain-dead sort of way. Santiago
creates his own future Earth where spears, swords and horses co-exist
with guns, rocket launchers and armored personnel carriers. Each has
their place in this futuristic society and each has their advantage.
Unlike most post-nuke films (including the remainder of Santiago's),
this one doesn't concern itself with oil or water or a lack thereof. THE
SISTERHOOD is about a battle of the sexes. In this future
society, women fall into two distinct categories: They are either sex
slaves or strong-willed, independent individuals. No gray areas here;
everything is either black or white. Of course, this being a Santiago
film, both types of women spend a lot of time in various states of
undress, except for the chaste Lynn-Holly Johnson (ALIEN
PREDATORS - 1984), who never seems to take her clothes off
in any film she's in (I'm beginning to think she's actually a man!).
Robert Dryer (Santiago's FAST GUN
and BEHIND ENEMY LINES
[both 1987]) takes the prize here as the weirdest character. His Lord
Barak speaks with a Boris Karloff-like lisp, which makes him seem
like a bad guy but, as we soon find out, he's a very reasonable man.
I also like the twisted logic used here (script by Thomas McKelvey
Cleaver, screenwriter of other Santiago epics like DUNE
WARRIORS and FIELD OF FIRE
[both 1990]), especially concerning Mikal. Even though he murders
innocent people (including Marya's pre-teen brother), he's allowed to
live in the finale based solely on the revelation that Alee is his
sister. Innocent victims be damned! Santiago also offers some gore
(swordplay violence, various slashings and impalements and a hand
being lopped-off), lots of explosions and two of his trademarks:
pygmie cannibals and his patented "running man on fire"
gag. In other words, your typical Santiago action flick. If you like
his other films, you're bound to like this one, too. Also starring
the usual Santiago regulars: Henry Strzalkowski, David Light, Jim
Moss, Peter Shilton, Willie Morales, Warren McLean and an uncredited
Nick Nicholson. Originally available on VHS by Media
Home Entertainment and now available on a beautiful Blu-Ray
from Code Red. Rated R.
SPACE
RAIDERS (1983) - Just ignore
the borrowed special effects and James Horner's music score from BATTLE
BEYOND THE STARS (1980) and enjoy the ride. A young boy
named Peter (David Mendenhall; STREETS
- 1990) stows away on a spaceship stolen by Hawk (Vince Edwards; CELLAR
DWELLER - 1987) and his band of space pirates. It seems they
are after fuel owned by evil
corporation Procyon III, who have monopolized it throughout the
galaxy. At first, an uneasy alliance develops between Peter, Hawk and
his crew, including Amanda (Patsy Pease; HE
KNOWS YOU'RE ALONE - 1980), Ace (Luca Bercovici, who,
besides being an actor up to this day, also directed such films as GHOULIES
- 1985; THE GRANNY -
1994; and LUCK OF THE DRAW
- 2000) and Flightplan (Thom Christopher; WIZARDS
OF THE LOST KINGDOM - 1985), a telepathic alien. Soon it
grows into much more. The story involves getting Peter home without
getting killed by the corporation (and other evil nasties, including
Ray Stewart as dastardly alien Zariatin) in the process. It is also a
story about a boy becoming a man and a crew that acts as his
surrogate family and the trust the builds between them all,
especially between Hawk and Peter. This is a nice change of pace for
the late Vince Edwards, as Hawk begins to show his soft side after
years of being hard as a rock and David Mendenhall is very good
indeed as the boy who softens him up, but not so much that he can't
defend himself and his crew. Director/screenwriter Howard R. Cohen (SATURDAY
THE 14TH - 1981; SATURDAY
THE 14TH STRIKES BACK - 1988; TIME
TRACKERS - 1989 and a few screenplays for Cirio H. Santiago)
handles this family-friendly film with just the right amounts of
humor and space-related derring-do (insert stock footage from BBTS)
and this may be Cohen's (who passed away in 1999) best film. A notch
above most of producer Roger Corman's 80's STAR
WARS rip-offs, even with all the reused footage (a Corman
staple) If you can find a copy of this film, grab it! Also starring
Drew Snyder, George Dickerson, Michael Miller, Virginia Kiser and a
cameo from Corman regular Dick Miller as "Crazy Mel".
Originally released on VHS by Warner Home Video and still awaiting a
DVD release in the United States (are you listening Shout!
Factory?). NOTE: Well, Scorpion
Releasing listened and issued a beautiful OAR print on both DVD
& Blu-Ray. Rated PG.
SPACESHIP
TERROR (2011 - 2014) -
Here's a real rarity: A blood-soaked gore/slasher film with sci-fi
trappings. The fact that it took 4 years to complete makes my head
spin (the director has stated that making this film was akin to
having teeth pulled without the benefit of novocain!). I do have to
say that this film did keep me glued to the couch, even with loads of
bad CGI (that gets better as the film progresses). The film opens
with five women and one man crash-landing their spaceship on some
unknown planet (The reason why is never related to us. It just
happens.) and another space ship, piloted by the appropriaterly named
Captain Terror (Jay Wesley Cochran), who has butchered and
killed many people, including everyone on his ship (The opening
credits show his carnage, as we see human hands and feet on a table,
heads cut off at the jawline and human torsos hanging on the walls
and other gory sights, all very well done), lands to pick them up.
The crash survivors, Laura (Kristen Springer), Janet (Lacey Blair),
Annie (Ronda Olshefski), Mia (Yulia Hancheroff), Kelly (Jenny Lin)
and an injured Hardwick (Stephen Lestat) see Captain Terror's Ship
land (His name is never mentioned once in this film, but it lists him
as "Captain Terror" in the closing credits), and see it is
appropriately named "TERROR". The hatch door opens and,
even though some of the women do not want to enter, Laura convinces
them to get inside, where the hatch slams shut and they are greeted
by Chris (Emma Lee Nguyen), who tells them "You are on a death
ship. You're all going to die!" and that she has been a prisoner
on this ship for over two years. She has been hiding out trying to
stay away from Captain Terror (A fat hulking bald man who talks in an
electronic voice and has a hose going up his nose), who can see
everything on his ship. It seems that Captain Terror likes to play a
game where he booby-traps the corridors of the ship and whenever
anyone dies, he give part of a keycode that will lead them to an
escape pod. The problem is that five people have to die before the
final number keycode sequence is completed and the survivor(s) have
to remember them in the sequence they were given within 5 minutes or
else he will re-program the code. Kelly said that she once was a
survivor of this deadly game, but she couldn't remember the keycode
in the proper sequence, so she couldn't get off the ship.
Captain Terror has two safe rooms that he will not enter and it
includes a dining area and a bathroom. As long as they stay in these
rooms, he will not kill them. What do you think these women do? Well,
Captain Terror breaks his promise and a rotating speargun comes out
of the ceiling and fires three metal arrows into Hardwick, pinning
him to a wall. He then has a spinning drill-like machine come through
the wall and it enters the back of Hardwick and comes out of his
chest, killing him. (In Captain Terror's defense, he didn't
personally show up to do the killing). Laura screams that this was
supposed to be a safe room and Captain Terror answers over the ship's
intercom, "We play by my rules, not yours! I'm going to do
things to your bodies that you never dreamed of!" Laura goes to
the safe bathroom and water begins pouring from a pipe into a bathtub
(It is very hot in both rooms) and Captain Terror makes Laura strip
naked and take a bath so he can watch (There is tons of female full
frontal nudity in this film, none of it titillating). He likes to
degrade the women. Chris tells the women that the Captain walks
around with a harpoon-like weapon, which he uses to impale his victim
to drag them to his torture chamber. Annie tries to escape, but has
her hand caught in a closing metal door. She manages to free herself,
but becomes the first victim of Captain Terror, who harpoons her on
the leg, drags her away and straps her-spread-eagle on a table
totally naked. He then opens up her stomach and puts a hose into the
opening where we can hear a sucking sound over her screams. He then
chops her to pieces with a hand axe. The other women decide to make a
rod-shooting gun (it does what it says) and Chris says she knows
where they can find the parts to make the weapon, so she and the rest
of the women head out of the safe room to where Chris leads them.
Kelly steps on a pressure plate in one of the corridors and a
spinning circular saw come outs of the wall and cuts her feet off at
the ankles (a good effect) and then she is dragged through a vent to
her doom. We see Captain Terror put the footless Kelly on a table and
he bites off one of her nipples (another disgustingly good effect).
Chris falls through an opening in one of the corridor's floor and we
see Captain Terror torturing her with electrical cables to her
breasts. Chris is then killed in another booby-trap when she is
crushed to a bloody pulp when a metal wall quickly closes in on her.
All the time someone is killed, Captain Terror give out two numbers
to the escape pod keycode, which Laura carves into her arm because
she doesn't have a pen! Mya is then dragged off by the murderous fat
man and has her throat graphically cut, which he proudly shows to a
still-alive (and
nippleless) Kelly. In a final bid to escape, Janet and Laura head off
to the escape pod, where Janet is harpooned by Captain Terror and
beheaded (a terrible CGI effect). He holds her head in his hand and
goes after Laura, but he wants to "play" with her a little
longer. Laura has all five code numbers (the last code is a trick on
a wall), but first she fires the homemade rod-shooting gun into
Captain Terror's neck. It doesn't stop him, so when he tries to stop
Laura from typing in the keycode, she impales him in the eye with her
last rod. She gets into the escape pod, but Captain Terror still
isn't dead. He tries to stop her from lifting off, but he is too late
(He says, "I'm gonna rip your fucking tits off!"). The
flames from the exhaust of the escape pod engulfs him and he is
burned to death (Or is he?). Laura radios in a mayday and it is
answered by a member of another ship, who tells her they will be in
her vicinity in six hours. Laura is saved, as she watches the
spaceship TERROR disappear into nothingness. Is it possible that this
was nothing but a ghost ship? Jack-of all-trades
director/screenwriter/producer/editor/cinematographer/set
designer/art director Harry Tchinski (who also made BLOOD
DEMON RISING, which took four years to make between the
years 2012 to 2016, using many of the same cast members in this film)
had financial difficulties on this film, which is why it took him
four years to make. You can spot different hair styles on many of the
female cast members over the four years, but the fact is this film
should fail wildly, but it doesn't. It is gory as hell and doesn't
shy away from the full monty. But most of the women are naked on
Captain Terror's torture table, so you would have to be a sick
bastard to find it in any way a sexual turn-on. The physical makeup
effects are very well done (most of them supplied by the director's
wife Wendy Tchinski and Doug Hudson, who both also do many more
behind-the-scenes duties). It won a STIFFY Award (Seattle True
Independent Film Festival) as "Most Kickass Film" in 2011
in the original first cut of the film. Time does fly while watching
this film (which I viewed streaming on Amazon Prime), even though it
is horrendously acted by nearly everyone in the cast, but if you look
past that, you will find a bloody good slasher film under the bad
layers. The sets are bare-bones, but well done (They look dirty and
blood-soaked, giving the film an extra edge). The feeling is
claustrophobic and the ambient soundtrack, which is full of women's
screams does put you in a paranoid state of mind (I watched it using
headphones on my Roku 3 player's remote). This is nothing
extraordinary, just a good time-waster that delivers on its promises.
I should hate this film, but I don't. A SGL Entertainment Blu-Ray and
DVD Release. Not Rated (and for good reason).
SPLIT
SECOND (1992) - "London:
2008. After forty days and nights of torrential rain, the city is
largely submerged below water, a result of the devastating effects of
continued global pollution where day has become almost endless
night..." Damn! I guess Al Gore was correct all along. In this
futuristic sci-fi/horror/action flick, renegade cop Harley Stone
(Rutger Hauer), who has been suspended from the force, is on the
trail of a serial killer who murdered his partner three years
earlier. For some reason (which will be revealed later in the film),
Stone has a psychic link with the serial killer (who rips the hearts
out of his victims and eats them), but he is always one step behind.
Stone is reinstated back on the force with the provision that he
takes on a new partner, nerdy serial killer expert Detective Dick
Durkin (Neil Duncan). At first, their partnership works as well as
oil and water, but they will soon become to depend on each other's
talents in order to survive. The serial killer taunts Stone,
delivering a half-eaten heart to his precinct, leaving his dead
partner's gun at a crime scene and revealing a cryptic
clue at the latest murder scene: A drawing of the zodiac sign
Scorpio scrawled on the ceiling in the victim's blood. When Stone's
dead partner's wife, Michelle (Kim Cattrall), returns to London, she
and Stone reignite their passion for each other that started shortly
after her husband's death. Stone may be the only person to believe
that the serial killer may not be a man at all, but some kind of
genetic mutation brought on by years of global warning. Casts taken
from the bite marks of the delivered heart reveal that it couldn't
possibly come from a human being and the zodiac sign painted on the
ceiling shows that the killer may be ten feet tall! When the killer
bites Michelle and eventually kidnaps her, we find out why Stone has
a psychic link. He was mauled on the shoulder by the killer three
years earlier (the killer absorbs it's victim's DNA and memories) and
Stone can now sense when it is near. Stone and Durkin put their
differences aside and head down to the flooded London subway system
(after the creature carves a map on Durkin's chest!) to save Michelle
and kill the creature. It's a trap, of course, but Stone and Durkin
work together to destroy the creature. Or do they? This
fast-paced hybrid film, directed by Tony Maylam (THE
BURNING - 1980), is a fun and bloody ride, even if the
vision of future London has, by now, been proven wrong (Give it
another twenty years!). This is a very wet film in the sense that
there is water in nearly every scene, but it doesn't shy away from
the other "wet" aspect in this film: Blood. It flows rather
freely here, as hearts are ripped-out, bodies explode and there are
plenty of bloody gunfights. The gun blasts just don't enter bodies,
they go "splat!" The action sequences are exciting and
well-executed, especially the shootout in the morgue and the finale
in the flooded subway, which was directed by Ian Sharp (RPM
- 1998), when Maylam walked off the set and didn't return due
to "creative differences". Both Rutger Hauer (who also
starred in BLADE RUNNER
[1982], another wet futuristic film) and Neil Duncan (WAR
DOGS - 1994) have good chemistry together and have excellent
comic timing that brings a smile to the viewer's face, especially
Duncan's line "We need bigger fucking guns!" after catching
his first glimpse of the creature. There are many snappy lines in
Gary Scott Thompson's script. So many, in fact, it's worth repeat
viewings to truly appreciate them all. SPLIT
SECOND also has an unhealthy preoccupation with rats, as
they are everywhere thanks to the flooding (the year 2008 is also the
Chinese Year of the Rat and it plays an important role in the plot).
Oddball actor Michael J. Pollard (AMERICAN
GOTHIC - 1987) has a cameo as "The Rat Catcher"
and Kim Cattrall has a topless shower scene. The creature is kept
under wraps until the finale and that's a good thing, too, because
it's the weakest element in the film. It's an obvious "man in a
rubber suit" concoction that would have ruined the overall tone
of the film if fully revealed earlier. As it stands, SPLIT
SECOND (the title doesn't make a lick of sense) is a brisk
time-waster that delivers the goods. Also starring Pete
Postlethwaite, Alun Armstrong, late rocker Ian Dury, Roberta Eaton
and Tony Steedman. Also known as DETECTIVE
STONE. An HBO
Video Release, who also issued a fullframe DVD in 2002 that now
commands big bucks in collector circles. Rated R.
STARCRASH (1978)
- This is probably the most popular of the crop of Italian STAR
WARS-inspired rip-offs, thanks to it's cast of highly
recognizable B-movie stars, wild and colorful set designs and
hilarious model and stop-motion effects. Space smugglers Akton
(Marjoe Gortner; JUNGLE WARRIORS
- 1984) and Stella Star (Caroline Munro; MANIAC
- 1980) are caught by intergalactic cop Thor (Robert Tessier; NIGHTWISH
- 1988) and
his robot partner Elle (Judd Hamilton; Munro's husband at the time)
and are sentenced to life of hard labor on a prison planet. They are
both soon pardoned by the Emperor of the Inner Circle (Christopher
Plummer; THE SILENT PARTNER
- 1978) and sent on a mission with Thor and Elle to find the planet
that evil Count Zarth Arn (a badly dubbed Joe Spinell; WALKING
THE EDGE - 1983) is using to create a weapon so deadly, no
one is even sure what it does yet. Their first stop is to the planet
Uranus (which has breathable air and oceans!), where Stella and Elle
encounter Queen Cordelia (Nadia Cassini) and her army of Amazons.
After having a close call with a giant sword-wielding golden robot
and a fleet of Amazon attack ships, the quartet then head to an
ice-covered planet in the next solar system, where Stella and Elle
are abandoned after the traitorous Thor, who is actually working for
Zarth Arn, knocks-out Akton and takes over the ship. Akton comes to
and kills Thor, reviving a totally frozen Stella with his psychic
healing powers. Stella, Akton and Elle then head to a third planet,
where Stella is captured by cannibalistic cavemen and Elle is torn to
pieces. Stella is saved by Simon (David Hasselhoff; WITCHERY
- 1988), the lone survivor of the Emperor's first unsuccessful
mission to find Zarth Arn. Akton informs Stella and Simon that this
is the planet they are looking for, so they try to stop Zarth Arn,
fail, Akton dies and then are saved by the Emperor, who "stops
the flow of time" long enough for everyone to escape the planet
before it explodes. Stella, the Emperor and Simon (who is actually
the Emperor's son) then battle Zarth Arn for rulership of the
universe in one of the chintziest space battles in sci-fi
history. STARCRASH is
camp filmmaking of the highest order. Everything about this film
screams out camp, from the garish neon-lit sets, broad acting,
low-level special effects and opticals (some of the laser pistol
blasts are nothing but red-colored emulsion scratches) and laughable
dialogue which is spoken earnestly by the game cast.
Director/scripter Luigi Cozzi (THE
KILLER MUST KILL AGAIN - 1975; CONTAMINATION
- 1980), here using his frequent pseudonym "Lewis Coates",
basically throws all logic out of the window, instead offering us
non-stop lunacy, cut-rate special effects
(using forced perspective, laughable double exposures and jerky
stop-motion animation), outlandish costume designs (including some
revealing, skimpy outfits worn by the lovely Ms. Monro) and a future
society where everything is domed or bubble-shaped (the set designs
are a hoot). I was really taken aback by the appearance of the
usually dignified Christopher Plummer in a film of this caliber. I'm
sure this is one film he doesn't list on his resume, but he looks
like he's having a helluva time in the few scenes he's in. Both
Robert Tessier and Joe Spinell are dubbed by other voice-over
artists, but everyone else dubbed the film using their own voices.
David Hasselhoff wears so much makeup and eyeliner here, he looks
like a young Michael Des Barre. Most of the secondary space outfits
worn in STARCRASH look to be
hand-me-downs from Mario Bava's PLANET
OF THE VAMPIRES (1965) and various Alfonso Brescia space
operas from the 70's, such as STAR ODYSSEY
(1978). The entire film is highly enjoyable, mostly for the wrong
reasons (I wonder how many pre-teen and teen boys pumped out knuckle
children to the sight of Caroline Munro in her skin-baring outfits?),
but it's always good for a hearty laugh (Count Zarth Arn's mothership
is shaped like a giant robot hand, complete with moveable fingers!).
In his own ridiculously low-budget way, Cozzi manages to pay tribute
not only to space films, but also to the movies of Ray Harryhausen
and a sly wink to the original INVADERS
FROM MARS (1953; you'll know it when you see it). Also
released under the titles THE
ADVENTURES OF STELLA STAR, FEMALE
SPACE INVADERS and FUTURE
WARRIOR. This would make a great double bill with Aldo
Lado's THE HUMANOID (1979). An
unofficial sequel, titled ESCAPE
FROM GALAXY 3 (1981) and directed by Bitto Albertini (billed
in the credits as "Ben Norman"), was released to some
territories under the names STAR
CRASH II and SPACE TRAP.
It has very little to do with the first film, besides cribbing some
effects footage and naming it's lead character "Belle Star".
Originally released on VHS by Charter
Entertainment and available on DVD from barely-legal label
Televista. Also released on legitimate U.S. DVD
& Blu-Ray from Shout! Factory
as part of their "Roger Corman Cult Classics" line. It's
really the only way to watch the film. Rated PG.
STAR
CRYSTAL (1985) - They don't come
much worse than this badly-acted, ultra-low-budget ALIEN
(1979) clone snoozefest. In the year 2032, a crew exploring a crater
on Mars discovers a strange-looking rock and bring it on-board their
space shuttle. The rock splits open, spilling ooze on the floor and
exposing a light-pulsating crystal inside the shell. From the ooze, a
small alien creature begins to develop and the crystal shuts down all
the shuttle's power, including life support, killing the entire crew.
Two months later, the shuttle is found and docked at an orbiting
space station. A crew is assigned to go into the shuttle and
investigate the mysterious deaths. As soon as they are all on-board,
the shuttle suddenly takes off and the crew watches helplessly as the
space station explodes into a million pieces. The crew is now stuck
on this spacebound coffin, with minimal power, not enough food to
last more than a couple of months and a tentacled creature that likes
to snack on human blood. The creature begins killing the crew
one-by-one as they try to make their way back to Earth which, at the
rate of speed they are traveling,
will take more than two years to reach. The creature kills all but
two members of the crew, Roger Campbell (C. Juston Campbell) and Dr.
Adrian Kimberly (Fay Bolt), and they go through the videotape logs of
the previous crew looking for clues on how to defeat the creature
(they don't find any, but it takes up a good portion of screen time).
It's apparent that the crystal has full control of the shuttle and
the creature has plans for the two surviving crew members. I really
became pissed-off when the creature began reading passages from the
Bible on the shuttle's computer screen. It is at this time I realized
I was actually watching an alien converting to Christianity. All the
flamethrowers, blood, gore and carnage in the world can't cover the
fact that the viewer was duped into watching this filmmaker's
religious beliefs disguised as a science fiction film, especially
when the bloodthirsty alien (a cross between E.T.
THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL [1982] and THE
BLOB [1958]) explains to the two surviving humans that he
didn't know the meaning of "kill" until he ran into our
species. After reading the Bible, he saw the error of his ways and
helps the two humans make it safely back to Earth, sacrificing his
own life in the process while a sappy love song plays on the
soundtrack ("Crystal of the stars, tell me who you are...").
Oh boy! Now I've truly seen it all. This sci-fi/horror film
contains some of the worst acting I have ever had the displeasure of
witnessing and sets that are so threadbare, a porn film seems lush by
comparison. This is one film you'll be rooting for the alien, as the
"actors" (and I use that term lightly) constantly bicker
with one another ("You can't use that computer!" "Why?"
"Because it only responds to my voice!" "Well,
what happens if you are killed?" "I didn't think
of that!") or do the exact opposite of what logic dictates. I
came very close to turning this film off a couple of times because
it's about as interesting as watching home movies of your cousin
Ricky being bathed as a baby. The special effects are anything but
(When Mars is shown in a shot in the beginning, it is transparent!)
and consists of grade school model effects, objects
"floating" on visible strings and creature effects that can
best be described as impoverished. The tentacle effects are achieved
by running the film backwards and what little gore there is shows the
tentacles sucking all the fluids out of the bodies, leaving
shriveled-up corpses (just like in Tobe Hooper's LIFEFORCE
[1985], but in reverse). Director/scripter Lance Lindsay (who's only
other directorial credit is the equally poor 1990 action film REAL
BULLETS) has created the perfect space film: It's lifeless
and full of dead air. The music soundtrack (credited to Doug
Katsabos) is nothing but an annoying synthesizer track repeated
over-and-over and the cringe-worthy love ballad that plays over the
end credits. Also starring John W. Smith, Taylor Kingsley, Marcia
Linn and Emily Longstreth. An Anchor
Bay Entertainment DVD Release. Originally released on VHS
from New
World Video and later on an EP-mode
tape from Starmaker
Entertainment. Rated R.
STAR
ODYSSEY (1978) - This is one of
five of director Alfonso Brescia's (usually using the pseudonym
"Al Bradley") inanely cheap space operas made after the
success of STAR WARS (1977).
If you've seen his COSMOS:
WAR OF THE PLANETS
(1977), BATTLE OF THE STARS
(1977), WAR OF THE
ROBOTS
(1978) or THE BEAST IN SPACE
(1978; also available in a porno version,
if you can believe it!)), you know what to expect: Grade school
space effects, brightly colored jumpsuits, plots that look to have
been written by imbeciles (and their retarded mongoloid children who
think George Lucas is someone they shoud get down on thier knees and
pray to) and lots of stock footage (plenty of the effects, costumes
and actors are interchangable, as many of them appear in all the
films). An alien race has attacked Earth (destruction scenes supplied
by stock WWII footage) and the military hires a ragtag group of
criminals and fuck-ups to infiltrate the alien base and defeat them.
The group includes master thief Dirk (who has hypnotic and
telekinetic powers) and military man Hollywood, named because of his
love of movies (he has the funniest pencil-thin
moustache I have ever seen!). They stop at a prison on the Moon to
break out a man and a woman who have talents they will need to
complete their mission. Meanwhile, a group of alien races (consider
this the cantina scene) are at an auction where they are bidding for
rights to conquer and enslave planet Earth, which the auctioneer
states has "millions and millions" of slaves (and, in a
stroke of bad taste, they show stock shots of black people being
herded into groups, calling them "dark-skinned units"!).
The lizard-looking race of aliens wins the bid (for "one hundred
million credits", which is a pretty good deal if you base it per
person) and begins their invasion of Earth. Confused yet? Not as
confused as you will be actually watching this disaster as it seems
to jump all around the place, having no sense of place or time. It
becomes apparent after a short while that Brescia patterned this film
after STAR WARS, where Hollywood is Luke Skywalker, Dirk is
Hans Solo, there's an old bald guy with psychic powers (and a very
large collar) that is Obi-Wan and the head lizard alien is Darth
Vader. There's even a female cast member that both Hollywood and Dirk
lust after (I wonder who she's trying to be?). You also view (and
probably cringe at) a pair of male and female robots (who tried to
commit suicide, but failed!) who are also added to the mission. The
female robot has curly eyelashes (!), they both have antennaes on the
top of their heads that look like the Star of David (!!) and they
both crack wise (just like C3PO). There's also an R2D2 thingamajig
that has two flailing miniature arms and has lights on it that look
like Italy's flag. There's also an android-human boxing match (don't
ask), insane dialogue ("A tree is a living thing and the laws of
robotics forbids me to damage it", is the male robot's response
to the female's request of carving their name in a tree with a heart
around it.), even worse dubbing, a light saber, er, sword fight in
the forest and enough bad acting for a dozen bad B movies. The final
straw is the climatic space battle. The effects in TOM
CORBETT: SPACE CADET (1950 - 1955) looks more professional
than anything you'll see here. Wait until you get a load of the
alien's android force: A bunch of guys in silver makeup and silver
jumpsuits with blonde pageboy wigs! (They are also used in the other
Brescia space films, too). If you have to watch this, make sure you
check your brain at the door because, if you don't, you will probably
become severely mentally retarded (Political Correctness be damned!).
I had to watch two solid days of MASTERPIECE
THEATER (1971 - Present) just to become functional again. You
have been warned! Starring Yanti Somer, Gianni Garko, Sharon Baker,
Chris Avran, Steve Perkins and Anthony Newcastle. Part of Brentwood
Communications' 20 movie DVD compilation titled SPACE
QUEST. This collection also contains Brescia's COSMOS:
WAR OF THE PLANETS and THE
WAR OF THE ROBOTS (a.k.a. REACTOR).
If you think for one minute that I will ever review them, you must
already be functioning with half a brain. Not Rated.
STRYKER
(1983) -
After the final nuclear holocaust, the Earth is a dry, scorched shell
and water is in short supply (Why does this sound so familiar?).
Whoever controls the water controls the world. Lone wolf Stryker
(Steve Sandor; TRAINED TO
KILL U.S.A. - 1973) saves a young woman named Delha (Andrea
Savio) from a pack of bandits, who are after her body and something
more important (more on that later). She pays Stryker back by
stealing his ROAD WARRIOR-inspired
car and taking off without him. He travels on foot with new pal
Bandit (William Ostrander; RED HEAT
- 1985), who was sent to retrieve Delha and bring her back to Trun
(Ken Metcalfe; FAST GUN -
1987). After giving water to a tribe of dwarves, Stryker and Bandit
catch up with Delha (Stryker has a gas shut-off switch in hiis car),
only to watch her being taken away by the men commanded by the evil
Kardis (Michael Lane; CODE
NAME: ZEBRA - 1986). It seems Kardis and Stryker have a
history, as flashbacks reveal that Kardis killed Stryker's wife years
earlier. Stryker was able to get some payback by chopping off Kardis'
left hand (he now sports a stylish hook in place of his hand), but
Kardis escaped before Stryker could finish him off. Delha knows the
secret location of an underground spring full of potable water and
both bad guy Kardis and good guy Trun would like to know where it is.
Stryker and Bandit steal one of Kardis' water
trucks and use it as a diversion to sneak into Kardis' compound.
Kardis, who's compound is running out of water (He cuts back on water
rations to his own men and completely cuts-off rations to his
wounded, declaring, "Water is only for those that are
productive!"), tortures Delha for the location of the water
(three of his men strip and rape her), but before she can say
anything, Stryker and Bandit save her and escape. This, of course,
pisses-off Kardis to no end. Stryker and Bandit take Delha to Trun's
camp (Turns out Trun and Stryker are brothers), but when they get
there, they find that Trun has been kidnapped by Kardis' men (we
watch one of Kardis' henchmen, played by an uncredited Nick
Nicholson, piss on Trun's face as he's buried up to his neck in the
sand). Stryker and Bandit lead a raid on the remote outpost and not
only save Trun, they also save the tribe of dwarves we met earlier in
the film and get some unexpected help from a tribe of
crossbow-weilding female Amazons. The Amazons are actually protecting
the secret spring (which is located in a remote cave) and once Delha
tells Trun where it is, he turns out not to be so different from
Kardis. Trun and his men rule the cave with an iron fist, much to the
chagrin of Stryker (Who says to Trun, "You have a mirror in your
mind. I think you should look in it!"), who leaves in disgust.
When Kardis attacks the cave, he captures a departing Stryker and
puts the hurt on him really bad. The dwarves appear to rescue Stryker
and they all return to the cave for a final battle. When the battle
is over, God rewards the winners by making it rain for the first time
since the nuclear bombs fell. God is funny sometimes. This is
the first of Filipino director/producer Cirio H. Santiago's many
post-nuke films and it is probably his best. Other films in
Santiago's post-apocalyptic palette include WHEELS
OF FIRE (1984), EQUALIZER 2000
(1986), THE SISTERHOOD (1987), DUNE
WARRIORS (1990) and RAIDERS
OF THE SUN (1991), but STRYKER
edges them out for one main reason: Unlike those other films,
Santiago had to start from scratch. All those other films contained
recycled footage, but this film isn't afforded that luxury. The
script, by Howard R. Cohen (the scripter of other Santiago films like COVER
GIRL
MODELS [1975], FIGHTING
MAD [1978] and VAMPIRE
HOOKERS [1979], as well as director/writer of other genre
films like SATURDAY THE 14TH
[1981], the belated sequel SATURDAY
THE 14TH STRIKES BACK (1988) and SPACE
RAIDERS [1983]), is pure ROAD WARRIOR hokum (just
substitute water for oil), but Santiago tosses-in so many chases,
gunfights, martial arts fights and nudity, you can't help but be
entertained. Santiago also supplies more gore than usual, including
decapitations, dismemberments, slashings, bloody bullet squibs and
some splattery gunshots to the head. There is also a slight attempt
to give Stryker an emotional core. When Stryker watches the three
goons raping Delha, he flashes back to his wife's rape/decapitation
and he loses it, punching one of the rapists in the face until all
that's left is a bloody pulp. When Delha tries to kiss him later on
as he leaves the spring, all he can muster for her is a hug, his
wife's memory still burned in his brain. Hey, it's not much, but it's
more than you usually get in films of this type. Besides, watching a
tribe of dwarves (a Santiago trademark) running around with blowguns
and talking their own special brand of gibberish is what makes
Santiago's films so special. It's outlandish, but he somehow makes it
work. Also starring Joseph Zucchero, Julie Gray, John Harris III,
Monique St. Pierre, Michael DeMesa, Catherine Schroeder, Tony Carrion
and Pete Cooper. Originally released on VHS by Embassy
Home Entertainment and not yet available on DVD, unless you
count the terrible print used for the DVD compilation GRINDHOUSE
EXPERIENCE VOLUME 2
(the entire collection is bootlegged). Rated R.
SURVIVAL
ZONE (1982) - South
Africa-lensed post-apocalyptic thriller from the director of the
much-maligned horror film THE
DEMON (1979/1981). After the worldwide Neutron Bomb War of
1988 (I must have slept through it, because according to this film,
it killed most of the people but left the vegetation unscathed),
there are a few areas left populated with people and animals. These
areas are called "Survival Zones" and farmer Ben Faber
(Gary Lockwood; THE MAGIC SWORD
- 1962), his wife Lucy (Camilla Sparv; AMERICA
3000 - 1986), daughter Rachel (Zoli Marki), young son Mark
(Karl Eric Kostlin) and Uncle Luke (Arthur Hall) are lucky enough to
live on a working farm (called, appropriately enough, Eden Farm) in
one of those zones. Alas, their idyllic lifestyle is about to be
abruptly interrupted by a vicious motorcycle gang led by Bigman (Ian
Steadman), who are all dressed in their best ROAD
WARRIOR (1982) regalia, including studded leather jackets
(Bigman wears one
that spells out his name in rhinestones!) and motorcycle
helmets festooned with toy doll's heads. But first Bigman and his
gang invade the Sisters Of The Holy Spirit Hospital and School, where
they beat a nun to death and force a mute girl to commit suicide
rather than letting herself be gang-raped by these creeps (It is
implied early on that this gang may also be cannibals, as we watch
Bigman kill one of his own and the rest of the gang strip his body
and hover over it with knives in hand before the film cuts to the
next scene). We then watch Ben and his family at Eden Farms, where
Ben spends a good chunk of his time on a ham radio, looking for signs
of life on other parts of the planet. Ben and his family then drive
to the nearest deserted town to loot supplies and gas for the
generators back home (they also load-up boxes full of dresses, canned
goods and comic books). Seventeen year-old Rachel pines for a
boyfriend so she can show off the sexy dresses she has just stolen.
Meanwhile, handsome Adam Strong (Morgan Stevens), who has just buried
his mother, sets out alone in the Survival Zone looking for
adventure. After spending a night in a seemingly haunted town (he's
chased out of a motel room by flying furniture, mirrors that break by
themselves and a strange wind that appears out of nowhere), Adam
drives to the Sisters Of The Holy Spirit, only to find human bones by
a roasting pit and the decapitated head of the mute girl (We then
learn that every member of the motorcycle gang, except for Bigman,
drank contaminated water and it has turned them into flesh-hungry
mutants). When the gang finally reaches Eden Farm and nearly kill
Uncle Luke, Ben and his family batten down the hatches and prepare
for the worst, moving Lucy and the children to a cave when darkness
comes. When Uncle Luke is stabbed to death while tending to his
horses, Ben is joined by Adam, who proves invaluable in fighting-off
the gang (As expected, romantic sparks fly between Adam and Rachel).
Can this family-plus-one defeat the gang and live happily ever
after? Director/producer/co-screenwriter Percival Rubens (who
passed away in 2009), who also unleashed the aforementioned THE DEMON,
as well as HEROES DIE HARD
(1973), WILD ZONE (1989) and SWEET
MURDER (1990), tries to mix family drama within post-nuke
trappings, but comes up snake eyes thanks to clumsily edited action
scenes, a biker gang that wouldn't scare a kindergarten tricycle club
and violence that is pulled-back rather than embraced. Whenever
something gory is about to happen, the camera either pulls away or
cuts to the next scene (except for a shovel decapitation in the
finale). Rubens and co-scripter Eric Brown crams the film with
"Family is stronger if Daddy makes the decisions" crap,
including Ben heading back to the farm by himself to take on the
biker gang (he even knocks-out Adam so he won't follow him), which
totally takes the audience out of the film, since Ben is a farmer,
not a fighter. The mixture of American (Lockwood), Swedish (Sparv)
and South African (Marki and nearly everyone else) accents also lends
an air of ridiculous unreality to the film since it is supposed to
take place somewhere in the American Southwest (I guess Ruben also
forgot that the steering wheels on trucks are also on the wrong
side!). SURVIVAL ZONE is
a weak entry in the post-apocalypse craze that swept the early 80's,
thanks to the success of MAD MAX
(1979) and once again proves that the Italians, not the South
Africans, were masters of this rip-off genre. Also starring Lillian
Randall, Elizabeth Meyer, Joanie Combrink and Mimi Kheswa. A Prism
Entertainment VHS Release. Not available on DVD. Rated R.
THEY
CAME FROM BEYOND SPACE (1967) -
When someone mentions Amicus Productions, your thoughts usually turn
to their horror films, like DR.
TERROR'S HOUSE OF HORRORS
(1965), THE SKULL (1965), THE
PSYCHOPATH
(1966), TALES FROM THE CRYPT
(1972) and many others. We seem to forget that Amicus also made other
films, such as this pulpy sci-fi flick directed by the late Freddie
Francis (CRAZE - 1973). When a
group of meteorites land in a perfect "V" formation in an
English field, the government sends a team of scientists
to investigate. The meteors contain alien life forms and they take
over the bodies of the scientists in what starts a chain reaction.
The aliens begin taking over the bodies of local labor, construction
workers, other scientists and the military and use them as labor to
build a secret underground base located in a nearby lake. What the
base is to be used for will be slowly explained throughout the film.
The one person in the area that the aliens can't seem to control is
Dr. Curtis Temple (Robert Hutton - THE
SLIME PEOPLE
[1963]), who has a silver plate in his head due to a recent serious
car accident. The silver plate seems to block the aliens' attempts to
control him. After the aliens have infected the area with a deadly
disease the press is calling "The Crimson Plague", Dr.
Temple begins a one-man crusade to find out the truth. What he finds
is that the aliens are using the infected people as labor and they
are sending them to the Moon in a rocket they have built under the
lake. Once on the Moon, the humans are helping the aliens fix their
spacecraft, which accidentally crashed there years before. Dr. Temple
attempts to hitch a ride on the next rocket to the Moon to free the
enslaved humans and bring them back to Earth. He has many stumbling
blocks to tackle before he reaches his destination. Once he gets to
the Moon, he finds out that the aliens only want to get back to their
home planet so they can die. After talking to Dr. Temple, the head
alien simply says, "We need only have asked?", before the
movie ends on an upbeat moment. It's not so upbeat for the people
that have died, though, which is something I'm sure the filmmakers
would like you to forget. This film used to play quite frequently in
trunicated form during the 70's and early 80's on TV's THE 4:30 MOVIE
(it's now in the public domain). The screenplay (by Amicus co-founder
Milton Subotsky) plays like a Republic Pictures serial of the 30's,
as every 10 or 15 minutes Dr. Temple would get into a new fix with
seemingly no way out. But he always escapes to the next leg of the
trip. Director Freddie Francis seems to be just a hired hand here, as
it contains none of his patented camera flourishes that he is so
well-known for. The special effects are very Dr. Who-ish (spartan
sets and model effects) and the jazzy score seems out of place. There
are some absurd scenes (melting down silver trophies to make silver
helmets to block the aliens' control) but not really much else to
recommend unless you don't mind mindless entertainment that's easily
forgotten shortly after you've watched it. Consider it Chinese food
for the eyes. Also starring Jennifer Jayne, Zia Mohyeddin, Bernard
Kay and Michael Gough as the "Master Of The Moon".
Available as part of Brentwood Communications' 20 movie DVD
compilation titled SPACE QUEST.
Not Rated.
TIME
TROOPERS (1985) - Interesting
German sci-fi TV movie that was re-edited and dubbed for English
speaking territories. In the near future, after a devastating
worldwide nuclear holocaust, every living person is issued an
"Energy Card", which determines how long you have left to
live. Energy Cards can be recharged depending on such factors as
procreation or being energy efficient, but once your card runs out of
energy, an elite force of law officers called "Exit Men"
are sent to extinguish your life by any means necessary (Shades of LOGAN'S
RUN - 1976 and the recent REPO
MEN - 2010). We are then introduced to two Exit Men: The
understanding Len Barta (Albert Fortell) and the cruel and inhumane
Jacob Lehmann (Hans Georg Panczak) as they go about their job of
eliminating people who have no energy credits left on their cards.
Len believes that the Centron Corporation, who controls the world's population,
is playing fast and loose with people's lives, as his latest
termination assignment, an aging female breeder, still has credits
left on her Energy Card, yet he is ordered to kill her (She commits
suicide by jumping out of her highrise window after planting seeds of
doubt about Centron's motives in Len's mind). Jacob is envious of Len
because he is considered the number one Exit Man, so he watches Len's
every move very carefully, looking for any excuse to report him to
Centron. It doesn't help that Len's Centron-appointed girlfriend,
Sarah (Hannelore Elsner), is actually a member of an underground
rebel movement who was sent to assassinate Len, but instead of
killing him she begins to fall in love with him while trying to
change his views of love and death. It also doesn't help that Len has
just killed the last married couple left in the world; an elderly
Jewish couple that Len murders with a single sniper bullet that
passes through both their heads while they are having supper together
(A small boy praises Len for killing them both with a single shot, to
which Len responds, "It's more energy efficient that way.").
Len's next assignment is an old man who turns out to be Sarah's
grandfather, but when Len discovers Sarah's involvement, he covers it
up and lets the old man escape. This is exactly the opening Jacob
needs to bring down Len and become the number one Exit Man. After one
last execution that finally opens his eyes to the uselessness of
killing, Len joins forces with Sarah and they plan on escaping to the
"Outside" where Centron has no control. When Jacob kills
Sarah before they can make it there, Len uses all his Exit Men
knowledge to hunt down Jacob and kill him, but not before making
Jacob know exactly how it feels to be the person staring down the
barrel of a gun rather than the one pulling the trigger. This
is a slow-moving, yet effective sci-fi drama about how saving energy
of every kind, whether electrical, human or environmental, is more
important than human life. Director L.E. Neiman and screenwriters
James Wager, James Beckett and Byrd Ehlmann (the original edit of
this film credits Peter Samann as director and Hans Bachmann as
screenwriter, but the differences between the two edits are drastic)
display the not-too-distant future as a colorless, sterile
environment, where commercials play on TV extolling the use of
suicide pills over bullets for those whose Energy Card credits have
expired because it "saves energy". Another telling scene
comes when Len kills the last married couple and, shortly thereafter,
all references to the word "marriage" are wiped from the
world's computer databanks because the practice of marriage is now
considered archaic and useless in this utopian society. The most
effective sequence comes when Len is sent to kill a middle-aged
novelist, only to discover that the novelist is hosting a huge last
Energy Card-depleting party with all his friends (He says to Len,
"I could have saved a few credits and lasted a few months more,
but that kind of life is tedious!"). He insists that Len kill
him in front of all his friends and Len complies, but instead of
bringing gasps and screams, all the novelist's friends applaud, which
visibly upsets Len and proves to be his turning point. This is a
society where even dancing is considered a waste of energy and could
eventually cost you your life (I bet Al Gore never thought of this in
his wildest dreams!). While there is very little actual action or
bloodshed on view, TIME TROOPERS is a thought-provoking
parable on how energy conservation can be taken to levels that most
would never think possible. It's not for everyone, but it is food for
thought. Also starring Wolfgang Gasser, Judith Estermann, Wolfgang
Muellner, Barbara Rudnik and Dietrich Siegl. Originally released on
VHS from Prism Entertainment
and not available on DVD. Rated R.
TRANSFORMATIONS (1988)
- Held in limbo for a couple of years due to legal problems
caused by Charles Band's
Empire Pictures demise, this film surfaced in 1991 on a bargain
label (Starmaker) recorded in the EP mode. John Wolf (Rex Smith, star
of TV's STREET HAWK
[1985]), a space smuggler, is raped by an alien in his sleep. His
ship then crash lands on a prison mining colony on some distant
planet where he meets a nurse (Lisa Langlois of THE
NEST [1987]) and they fall in love. Wolf has a couple of
serious problems to deal with: First is that a trio of prisoners plan
to steal his ship to escape the penal colony. The rules are pretty
tough here. Make one mistake and you are killed by the guards. No
exceptions. Wolf's second problem is a little more urgent. Every time
he feels horny he begins to slowly transform into a boil-ridden
monster (hence the title). Each time he gets an erection it gets
worse and it begins to put a cramp on his relationship with the
nurse. To satisfy his animalistic urges he begins screwing the female
prisoners (killing one of them) which causes his disease to spread
among the population. The prison's priest (Patrick Macnee) has seen
this happen 26 years before on another planet. He believes the female
alien is a Succubus, sent by the Devil to spread his evil and destroy
mankind. With the help of Wolf he plans to stop the spread of the
plague. This also means they have to stop the trio of prisoners from
escaping so the plague doesn't infect another planet. Can they do it?
This filmed-in-Rome production was one of Empire's last. Some of the
sets can also be seen in Empire's ARENA
(1989). The effects range from ludicrous (the Succubus is a
ridiculous concoction) to gross (boils on skin). The film is unrated
due to a particularly nasty organ-yanking scene towards the end of
the film. Director Jay Kamen has not made another film but has worked
as a sound editor and ADR editor on many major motion pictures during
the 1990's. TRANSFORMATIONS
is an O.K. science fiction/horror film with a decent stereo
soundtrack. A Starmaker
Home Video Release. Unrated.
2020
TEXAS GLADIATORS (1982) -
After ENDGAME (1983), this is my
favorite Italian post-apocalypse film of the 80's. It comes as no
surprise that both films were directed by Joe D'Amato (using the name
"Kevin Mancuso" here) and they share the same star (Al
Cliver). In a nuked-out Texas, Nisus (Cliver) and his band of Texas
Rangers save the life of Maida (Sabrina Siani; CONQUEST
- 1983) from a bunch of rapist thugs who crucify a priest and rape
some nuns (one nun slits her own throat with a shard of glass, bit it
doesn't stop one thug from screwing her corpse). Tired of all the
violence and bloodshed, Nisus quits the Rangers and joins Maida's
commune. A few years pass and Nisus is married to
Maida and they have a young daughter. The commune is thriving and
they have their own power plant, where they produce a new form of
energy which everyone wants. One day, the commune is invaded by a
motorcycle gang led by Catch Dog (Daniel Stephen; WAR
BUS - 1985), a disgraced Ranger Nisus kicked off the force
years earlier. The gang is working in tandem with a jack-booted
military force called the New Order, whose boss is a chrome-domed
facist called the Black One (Donald O'Brien; DOCTOR
BUTCHER M.D. - 1980). They take over the commune and put the
citizens under strict military rule. Nisus is tied up and forced to
watch as Maida is raped. Nisus eventually frees himself but is shot
repeatedly and killed. Maida is passed around from man to man until
she ends up at a bar, the property of someone who won her in a card
game. Also in the bar are two ex-Rangers and friends of Nisus: Jab
(Harrison Muller; SHE -
1983) and Halakron (Peter Hooten; NIGHT
KILLER - 1989). They get into a bar fight and are arrested
and sent to work in the salt mines as punishment. Their friend
(another ex-Ranger), Red Wolfe (Al Yamanouchi; AFTER
THE FALL OF NEW YORK - 1983), helps them escape the mines.
Their next stop: The commune, where they help Maida get some old
fashioned Texas payback and help her find her daughter. With the help
of some Native Americans, they prove that the Texas Rangers always
get their man. Though not as thought-provoking as ENDGAME,
D'Amato supplies enough violence, gore and nudity for a dozen films.
Hardly a moment goes by where someone isn't shot in the head,
stabbed, run over, set on fire or raped (both men and women). Besides
the scene of a nun committing suicide, you'll see a game of Russian
roulette, numerous motorcycle stunts and crashes, a tribe of
futuristic Indians (best seen to be believed, they even bang on
tom-toms, ride horses and live in teepees!) and even some toothless
Mexicans. This twisted futuristic take on the American Western
contains all the old standbys: A one-on-one Cowboy vs. Indian knife
fight, the metaphorical circling of the wagons (the initial seige of
the commune), the charge of the cavalry (the fight to gain control of
the commune in the finale), an Indian raid on horseback (where spears
and arrows defeat the New Order's futuristic force field) and even a
final showdown at high noon. Granted, this is nonsense, but it is
enjoyable nonsense. It's bloody enough to keep gorehounds happy and
fast moving for those who crave action. As in ENDGAME, George
Eastman (THE GRIM REAPER
- 1980) wrote the script (using the name "Alex Carver") and
future director Michele Soavi (STAGEFRIGHT
- 1987) was one of the assistant directors (under the name "Mike
Soft"). 2020 TEXAS GLADIATORS
is a great time-waster for fans of post-nuke flicks (you know who you
are). Italy turned out dozens of these post-apocalyptic thrillers and
this is one of the best. Also known as ONE
EYE FORCE. A Media
Home Entertainment Release. Not Rated, for all the right reasons.
URBAN
WARRIORS (1987) - Just when I
thought I had seen every 80's Italian post-nuke film, this
craptacular flick crossed my path. To add insult to injury, this
ridiculously-dubbed effort was released on VHS as part of Cannon
Video's short-lived "Michael
Dudikoff Presents: Action Adventure Theater" series,
where Dudikoff (who doesn't appear in the film proper) stiffly
introduces the feature, obviously reading off cue cards (follow his
bouncing pupils!) while sitting in a screening room. The storyline to URBAN
WARRIORS is generic post-apocalyptic stuff: Three
technicians, led by Brad (Karl Landgren), working in an underground
bunker, are seemingly the only people on Earth left alive when a
nuclear war breaks out (queue the stock footage, including a
head-scratching shot of a volcano erupting), leaving the surface of
the planet a burned-out shell. After digging their way to the
surface, the trio search for food (They find cans of chili and begin
to pig out. One guy says to Brad, "Be careful or you'll
get sick!", to which Brad replies, "In my considered
opinion, who cares!") and soon find out that they are not alone.
The radiation on the surface has turned some of the survivors into
violent, bloodthirsty headhunters and after Brad finds one of his
comrade's decapitated head laying on a car hood, he and Marty (Bjorn
Hammer) make a hasty retreat in a car with the headhunters chasing
them with motorcycles and jeeps. Luckily, the headhunters pass out
when darkness approaches, allowing Brad and Marty to escape and find
a place that they will use as their new hideout. They stupidly come
up with a plan to split up and look for unaffected humans by day and
return to their hideout before night falls (Um, shouldn't they do the
exact opposite?). Realizing their mistake (Marty nearly gets captured
by three headhunters on motorcycles), Brad and Marty decide to stick
together and only look for human survivors after the sun sets but,
wouldn't you know it, the first night they go out their car breaks
down and, as the sun rises, Marty is shot in the back and killed by a
shotgun-toting headhunter. Brad is not alone for long, though, as he
runs into Julia (Rosenda Schaschmidt) and they quickly become lovers.
It turns out Julia is actually a headhunter sent to entrap Brad. The
headhunters capture Brad (and kill Julia when she tries to kill Brad
for his "spinal marrow", which the headhunters need to stay
alive) and convict him of "crimes against nature" (What?).
Crap, do I need to go on? Okay, Brad meets an unaffected girl named
Angela (Malisa Longo, here billed as "Malisa Lang"), they
escape the headhunters and walk hand-in-hand into the sunset, their
future hopeful, but uncertain. I may just pass out from boredom.
This is a dreadfully slow and uninvolving post-nuke thriller that
lacks the violence and gore usually found in these Italian ROAD
WARRIOR rip-offs (Rosenda Schaschmidt gives an extended
full-frontal nude scene for those who keep track of such things). The
plot is extremely convoluted and lacks logic of any kind (it is never
explained how the headhunters were able to organize themselves in
such a short period of time) and if nearly all of the action scenes
look familiar, it's because they are "borrowed" from the
earlier Italian post-nuke flick, THE
FINAL EXECUTIONER (1983)!. Director Giuseppe Vari (WAR
OF THE ZOMBIES - 1964; A
PLACE IN HELL - 1969), here using the pseudonym "Joseph
Warren", uses the recycled footage not only for the action
scenes, but also for extensive flashback footage to pad out the
film's running time, as human survivor Angela relays her sad life
story to Brad while they are held captive in a cell. URBAN
WARRIORS is a cheat, as well as an abominable action film,
for all lovers of nuclear holocaust films. The last time I smelled
something this bad, I accidentally shit my pants when I mistakenly
thought a case of hard gas was nothing but a simple fart. Like that,
I don't wish this film on anyone. Also starring Alex Vitale, Maurice
Poli, Brigitte Porche and Deborah Keith. A Cannon Video Release
(through Warner Home Video). Other films in the Michael
Dudikoff-hosted VHS series included BRIDGE
TO HELL (1986), CROSS
MISSION (1987) and THE
BRONX EXECUTIONER (1989). Not Rated.
WARRIOR
OF THE LOST WORLD (1983) - "In
another time, in a distant land...generations
after the radiation wars and the collapse of nations, governments,
finance and communications, there came the existence of a new Dark
Age of Tyranny. As each Sector adapted its own rules for survival,
the evil despot PROSSOR bought to power a
Congress to enforce his "Laws and Obligations" and armed a
deadly Militia, The Omega, to destroy the
Outsiders who were trying
to establish a more tolerant society - The New Way.
The region beyond the control of The Omega is the Wasteland,
a forbidden zone populated by roving tribes of desperate Marginals,
who engage in a barbaric struggle for territory and survival.
Meanwhile, high in the mountains, living among ruins of past
civilizations, dwells a small group of Mystics called The
Enlightened Elders. It is here that the Outsiders,
led by MCWAYNE and his daughter NASTASIA,
gain inspiration in their struggle against Prossor and The Omega,
Now, into this time of conflict and rebellion, astride his supersonic
speedcycle, rides one man...a
fearless survivor, who was destined to become..."
(insert title of film here).
After this long-winded introduction comes a film so devoid of
entertainment value that everyone should see it at least once, if for
no other reason than to see how to make a filmic version of Ambien
with a 20mg Valium chaser. The hero of our story (if you want to call
him that) is simply known as The Rider (Robert Ginty; THE
EXTERMINATOR - 1980; COP TARGET
- 1990), a man who rides around on a motorcycle with a talking
computer named Einstein, that only seems to talk in slang, calling
Omega law enforcement "very bad mothers" and a Geek tribe
of Marginal teenagers "dorks", "dickheads" and
"veg-outs". Too bad Einstein doesn't protect Rider, because
in the first few minutes of the film he is shot in the shoulder,
takes a crossbow bolt in his leg, and is shot in the helmet, the
bullet grazing his skull and to make matters worse, Einstein steers
the cycle into the side of a mountain and it explodes! It turns out
the side of the mountain is actually the "Secret Wall of
Illusion", put there by the Enlightened Elders, because
"only the pure at heart can pass though it and live." We
then see the Enlightened Elders levitate in the air and instantly
heal Rider's wounds with a light that emits from their hands, while
The Henchman (Fred Williamson; TAKE
A HARD RIDE - 1975) tells the leader of the Elders (Vincio
Ricci) that it doesn't look like Rider is going to make it, the Elder
telling him, "In our world, the spirit is stronger than the
flesh" (In the only bit that made me laugh, Williamson puts his
arm on the levitating leader's shoulders to bring him back down to
earth). After healing him, the Elders ask Rider to help them defeat
The Omega, but he refuses, that is until Nastasia (Persis Khambatta; SHE-WOLVES
OF THE WASTELAND - 1987) holds a laser pistol to his crotch,
telling him if he doesn't help free her father from Prossor and The
Omega, she will blow his balls off. He agrees and we then see him and
Nastasia walking in a cave full of spiders and snakes (There's a song
in there somewhere!), as wells as Mutants, but Rider pulls out a
disposable miniature flame-thrower and fries their ass (It seems
Nastasia isn't scared of spiders or snakes, but Mutants aren't what
it takes to love her!).The cave takes the pair to Club Utopia and
Nastasia tells him whatever he does, not to show any emotion, because
it is outlawed by Prossor. The club is a place where people go to get
their jollies by dancing sexually with each other, but can show no
pleasure outwardly, because it, too, is outlawed, explaining to Rider
that emotions are only for the elite in this society. We hear Prossor
(Donald Pleasence; VAMPIRE
IN VENICE - 1988) saying over-and over on a loudspeaker,
"Work is everyone's freedom. Work must be neat and efficient.
Food and entertainment are provided. Silence is its own reward",
as Rider and Nastasia walk among the throngs of people, all of them
with the same blank expression on their faces (the look you'll have
watching this film).
Nastasia and Rider, who are dressed as workers, enter the main
computer bank room of the city, where Nastasia discovers where her
father, Professor McWayne (Harrison Muller Sr.), is being held, which
is guarded by The Omega, who dress and walk like Nazi Stormtroopers.
They then watch as some "non-efficients" are terminated by
a machine that electrocutes them and then The Omega guards burn their
bodies with flame-throwers, while the populace watches the action
stone-faced. They manage the free the Professor and a gunfight ensues
(the machineguns make laser noises!). Luckily (?), they find a
helicopter and make their escape, only Nastasia is hit and doesn't
make it to the copter, leaving Rider no choice but to take off
without her. The Professor begs Rider to go back and save his
daughter, but he tells the Professor that he was only hired to rescue
him and that's what he is going to do, nothing more. We then see
Prossor (who looks and dresses exactly like Blofeld,
a character Pleasence played in YOU
ONLY LIVE TWICE - 1967, complete with white pussycat in his
arms!) questioning and slapping Nastasia around and when he doesn't
get the answers he wants, he tells his men to take her to the
"Assembly Line", where she will have her brain wiped clean
and be just like everyone else in this emotionless society.
The Professor takes Rider to where four Marginal tribes (The
Amazons, The Geeks, The Martial Artists and The Mercenaries) are
fighting each other, telling Rider that he is going to need to get
their help if his plan to defeat Prossor and The Omega is going to
succeed. He tells Rider to get their attention, so after taking a few
kung fu kicks to his head, he starts kicking some ass until only he
and the leader of The Amazons tribe (Geretta Geretta; RATS:
NIGHT OF TERROR - 1983) are left. Rider punches her in the
face, knocking her lights out and then gets everyone's attention. The
Professor then gives a rousing (?) speech, telling them that The New
Way needs them to defeat The Omega and when Rider raises his fist in
the air, everyone cheers and he becomes their new leader (jeez, that
was easy!). We then see Nastasia on the Assembly Line, as she is
about to have her mind wiped and become an emotionless zombie, but
does it work on her? Do you really care?
This Italy/United States co-production is one of the most
lame-brained and ridiculous post-apocalypse flicks to ape THE
ROAD WARRIOR (1981) that I have ever seen and believe me,
I've seen plenty. It should come as no surprise that it was directed
and written by David Worth, a person who has given us many bad films
to warp our brains, including the re-edited version of POOR
PRETTY EDDIE (1973), titled HEARTBREAK
MOTEL (1978; he was cinematographer on the original film),
as well as KICKBOXER
(1989), LADY DRAGON (1992), SHARK
ATTACK II (2000), SHARK
ATTACK 3: MEGALODON (2002; notable only for one line of
improvised dialogue) and HAZARD
JACK (2013). He also directed porn using the name "Sven
Conrad". To explain how bad this film really is will not do it
justice. Just let me say that when computer
Einstein gives the best performance in this film, you know you are
watching a flick everyone is ashamed to appear in. Both Robert Ginty
and Donald Pleasence look bored beyond tears, turning in performances
as emotionless as the citizens of The Omega town. There is some good
action and things blow up rather well, but when it is mixed among
some of the worst stunts imaginable, it negates all the good. When
Einstein dies (His final readout is "Got Me!"), it's the
most emotional performance in the film, which should tell you how
awful this movie really is. I could tell you everything that is wrong
with this film, but I haven't got the time or the available website
space, so you should check it out for yourself if you are a masochist
or just take my word for it. This film just rambles on endlessly
(like this review), none of the scenes connected to each other for
what seems like an eternity. Even Fred Williamson (no stranger to the
post-apocalypse genre, appearing in 1990:
THE BRONX WARRIORS - 1982; THE
NEW BARBARIANS - 1983 and Lucio Fulci's THE
NEW GLADIATORS - 1983) knows that this film is a loser, as
he appears in the opening minutes and then disappears until the
conclusion, his role nothing but an extended cameo. If the future of
Earth is to be like this, kill me now. Even a rock has more
personality than this film.
This film, also known as THE
LAST WARRIOR, actually had a brief theatrical
release in the United States by an outfit known as Visto
International Inc. (unknown to me, but the poor audience!), then
immediately going to VHS
from Thorn EMI Video
and then on budget
VHS from Star
Classics. Surprisingly (or not), this failed to show up on disc
in any form in the U.S., so count your lucky stars. It isn't even
offered streaming on Amazon Prime, but if you really must see it, go
to YouTube and type in the film title in the search bar. But a word
of warning: Even though you will watch it for free, you will still
feel like you are owed money for it wasting your time. Also featuring
Daniel Stephen (WAR BUS
- 1986), Philip Dallas (TENTACLES
- 1977), Laura Nucci (HORROR
CASTLE - 1963), Scott Coffey (SHE
- 1984), Uls Althaus (THE
NEW YORK RIPPER - 1982) and the unmistakable visage of
Harrison Muller Jr. (2020: TEXAS GLADIATORS
- 1982), who puts in a blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameo as the leader
of The Mercenary tribe. Not Rated, but there is precious
little nudity or graphic violence, a major sin for a post-apocalypse
flick, just a cheesy "surprise" ending showing that the
dead Prossor was actually a clone, the real Prossor is alive and
promises to come back in a sequel, which, thankfully, never materialized.
WARRIORS
OF THE APOCALYPSE (1985) -
Filipino post-nuke flick from director Bobby A. Suarez, so you know
you're in for some fun. Set 120 years in the future, the film
opens with Trapper (Michael James) and his band of nomads/warriors
walking the nuked-out countryside looking for drinkable water and
food. They happen upon a rival gang of nomads, led by Giant Bill
(Pete Cooper), and a battle breaks out. Out of the shadows comes Anuk
(Franco Guerrero) and he saves Trapper's life. After the battle is
over, Trapper discovers that Anuk is well-supplied with food and
water. Anuk tells Trapper that he comes from the "Mountain of
Life", a mystical place where it is said the survivors of the
last war moved and started a new, prosperous civilization (and Anuk
is over 150 years old!). Anuk agrees to take them there and the rest
of the film is their adventures as they travel to "Voodoo
Mountain" (A nickname Trapper gives their destination). They are
first captured by a tribe of cannibals, but the two black slaves they
rescued from Wild Bill's gang saves them (and they are still loyal
to Wild Bill, who is now very sick). Trapper and his men then run
into a tribe of bloodthirsty dwarves who refuse to die (they're
immortal like Anuk). They take the gang prisoner and lead them
to their village (it's also Anuk's village, as he turns out to be a
traitor), where there seems to be an overabundance of scantily clad
white women and the Queen who rules there (Deborah Moore) has
telekinetic powers. The high priest (scripter Ken Metcalfe), who also
has telekinetic powers, helps Trapper and his men escape, but they
are being tracked by the dwarves and some female warriors and are
soon recaptured. Surprisingly, the men are treated well by the women,
but this village holds a dark and nasty secret. Trapper and his male
buddies are to be sacrificed in some weird fertility ritual, where
they drink freshly-slaughtered chicken's blood and have sex with the
women before they are about to be killed. When the Queen's horribly
radiation-scarred slaves revolt and attack her, it throws a monkey
wrench into her plans. Trapper and his gang escape and Trapper
decides to help rebuild the village after the Queen dies and he kills
Anuk (who is no longer immortal now that the Queen is dead).
Since this is a Bobby A. Suarez film, you know what to expect: Lots
of violence, lots of fighting and humor from situations where you
don't expect humor to be present. The immortal dwarves are a hoot
(What is it with the Philippines and midgets? Is there something in
the water?) as is the cave near the village where the Queen renews
her powers by getting zapped by a huge metal rod. The comedy relief
comes from an extremely fat woman (the only fat one, actually) in the
Queen's village. She hits on all of Trapper's men and is the
only woman during the fertility ritual to go without a man. The
reveal of what's actually in the cave (it's an old nuclear power
plant that's been converted somehow to be a magical device that gives
the villagers immortality, but kills the slaves working there with
radiation poisoning) comes totally out of left field and is never
properly explained, which just adds to the film's goofy charms.
There's also the battle where Ken Metcalfe (frequent Suarez scripter
and co-star) and Deborah Moore fight each other by shooting laser
beams out of their eyes! While the film makes little sense,
there's enough offbeat charms here for a dozen films, including
topless women, mutants with bad skin, a black slave with the tightest
afro in post-apocalyptic history, explosions, gun battles, midget
kung-fu and two of Trapper's men stop dead in their tracks while
being pursued to smoke a joint! Of course they get caught, but they
are laughing when they do. WARRIORS
OF THE APOCALYPSE is crazy, crazy stuff as only Bobby A.
Suarez can pull off. For more Suarez craziness, see my reviews of DYNAMITE
JOHNSON (1978), THEY
CALL HER...CLEOPATRA
WONG (1978), ONE
ARMED EXECUTIONER (1980) and AMERICAN
COMMANDOS (1985). Also staring Mike Cohen, Robert Marius,
Charlotte Cain, David Brass, Stephen Rogers, David Light, Willie
Williams, Khristine Erlandson and "The Seven Pygmies". WARRIORS
OF THE APOCALYPSE is also known as OPERATION
OVERKILL, SEARCHERS
OF VOODOO MOUNTAIN and TIME RAIDERS. A Lightning
Video Release. Rated R.
WELCOME
TO BLOOD CITY (1977) - In
this futuristic thriller, a group of diverse people wake up in a
desert, with no memory of who they are or how they got there. They
are all dressed in prison gray uniforms and each of them has a card
in their shirt pocket telling them the number (or "score")
of how many people they supposedly have killed. Lewis (Keir Dullea)
tears up his card ("You shouldn't have done that!") and
leads the group on the long trek through the desert. They are
attacked by two fat hillbillies with shotguns, who steal all their
boots and one of them rapes Martine (Hollis McLaren). They are then
met by Frendlander (Jack Palance), a cowboy lawman on horseback, who
leads them to Blood City, a seemingly Wild West town full of people
just like Lewis' group. Frendlander informs them that they will be
treated like slaves. The town is policed by a bunch of black-dressed
cowboys (with big red cross patches on their chests) and all the
"slaves" are assigned numbers (Lewis becomes number 9). We
then realize that this is all some weird secret experiment being
performed by the government, as scientist Katherine (Samantha Eggar)
and "The Supervisor" (Barry Morse) closely monitor the
action on close-circuit TV screens in a control center. This seems to
be some giant virtual reality game where the scientists are looking for
"survivors" (of what is not explained) and Lewis seems to
fit the bill. He's a loose cannon and kills a man in town who wants
to buy him as a slave. He's made a "citizen" for killing
the man and Katherine enters the game under various guises to tempt
and control Lewis, but when Lewis and some of the other people in WELCOME
TO BLOOD CITY begin having flashbacks of their former lives,
the experiment begins to unravel. When Lewis begins to question his
existence in this world, the scientists keep changing the scenario to
throw him off. When Sheriff Frendlander also begins to have his
doubts (he may have been a former lover of Katherine), The Supervisor
changes the rules of the game, which doesn't sit too well with
Katherine. When Katherine realized that she can no longer control
Lewis, she programs Frendlander to become his enemy, but Frendlander
wants nothing to do with it and takes his own life. The finale
finds The Supervisor deciding that Lewis has the right stuff and
pulls him out of the game. When Lewis sees the type of life he has to
look forward to, he booby traps and cripples the game so that he will
now be the permanent new sheriff of Blood City. Think of
this as a more cerebral (and surreal) version of WESTWORLD
(1973) and you'd be partly right, but this film's aspirations reach
higher than that. Long before "virtual reality" became a
recognizable phrase in the English vocabulary, this film was
exploring how such technology could be used to control and change
people but, in the long run, it's the human spirit (and maybe the
soul) that's stronger than anything science can throw in our
direction. Using a Wild West town as the virtual world is a
natural choice because everyone can picture a Wild West town in our
minds, thanks to the plentiful Western films and TV shows we've
watched during our lifetime. It's the most recognizable time period
in human history. This existential thriller contains plenty of action
(mainly gunfights), but seems to be mainly concerned with clever
wordplay (people in the game that have memories of their former lives
are said to be in "consciousness crisis") and the strength
of the human will. The late Jack Palance (ALONE
IN THE DARK - 1982) is excellent as the town sheriff who
thinks he's immortal (thanks to Katherine's programming), but past
memories tell him otherwise and he acts on it accordingly, in a
moment of self-sacrifice. Keir Dullea (2001:
A SPACE ODYSSEY - 1968) and Samantha Eggar (THE
BROOD - 1979) don't have much to do here, even if they have
the biggest roles. This film's not about acting anyway, it's about
ideas and this film poses a lot of thought-provoking questions. It
may not be everyone's cup of tea, but this little-seen Canada/United
Kingdom co-production is an early precursor to such films as GHOST
IN THE MACHINE (1995), VIRTUOSITY
(1996; director Brett Leonard also directed the similarly-themed THE
LAWNMOWER MAN in 1992), THE MATRIX
(1999) and it's two increasingly inferior sequels, THE
MATRIX RELOADED and THE
MATRIX REVOLUTIONS (both 2003), and touches many of the same
ideas these films did, only twenty years earlier. Capably
directed by Peter Sasdy, who also gave us the Hammer Films' COUNTESS
DRACULA (1971), HANDS
OF THE RIPPER (1971) and THE
DEVIL WITHIN HER (1975). This film deserves a
widescreen DVD release, because the fullscreen VHS and DVD editions
are way too cramped for the Panavision compositions. Also
starring Chris Wiggins (FRIDAY
THE 13TH: THE TV SERIES [1987 - 1990]), Allan Royale, Henry
Ramer, Alan Crofoot, Jack Creley (THE
REINCARNATE - 1971) and Chuck Shamata (DEATH
WEEKEND - 1976). A Lightning
Video Release. Also available as part of a four movie budget DVD
titled WILD WEST SHOOTOUT
from Direct Source Special Products. Not Rated.
WHEELS
OF FIRE (1984) - This is the
second of Filipino director/producer Cirio H. Santiago's
post-apocalypse series of films that he made during the 80's, all of
them unrelated. Like most ROAD WARRIOR
rip-off, WHEELS is
about a loner ex-cop, this time named Trace (Gary Watkins), riding
around a barren landscape in his rocket-powered car and getting into
all sorts of trouble. After bailing his sister Arlie (Lynda
Wiesmeier; EVIL TOWN -
1985) and her boyfriend Bo (Steve Parvin) out of trouble (Bo nearly
gets his ass blown off [literally!] when he moons a rival gang),
Trace must again try to save his sister when bitter rival Scourge
(Joe Mari Avellana; here billed as "Joseph Anderson") and
his gang of motorcycle and dune buggy-riding misfits kidnap Arlie
(they tie her topless to the hood of a car, which makes for quite a
hood ornament!) and bring her back to base
camp, where she is raped by Scourge and then given to his men to be
gang-raped (Bo is also raped by Scourge's men and then dragged behind
a car, forcing Trace to shoot Bo rather than leaving him in
excruciating misery). Trace gets some help in his quest to save his
sister from black leather-clad female warrior Stinger (Laura Banks; DEMON
OF PARADISE - 1987) and her pet falcon. Stinger is also
after Scourge for reasons of her own, but both she and Trace get
sidetracked when Stinger is captured by a tribe of cannibalistic
white-haired dwarves called the Sandmen (Hey, no Santiago film is
complete without dwarves!), who live (where else?) under the sand.
Trace saves Stinger and a telepathic girl named Spike (Linda
Grovenor) from being the Sandmen's next Happy Meals and they continue
on their journey. They pick up another member when they save a mute
midget named Mud from some mutants and then drive to a village
occupied by crackpot Whiz (Joseph Zucchero) and his followers (Whiz
is building a "rocket", which he plans on flying his
followers to a better planet, although it's obvious to any sane
person that this rocket will never achieve lift-off, especially since
parts of it are made out of wood!). Trace leaves everyone behind in
the village and sets out to rescue his sister on his own, but he is
captured by Scourge and tortured. Stinger, Spike and Mud lead a
friendly squad of fighters (who belong to a government group known as
"The Ownership") to save the day, leaving a freed Trace to
face-off with Scourge. Not everyone, both good and bad, will make it
out alive. This is totally entertaining junk from start to
finish. Not only does Santiago offer us non-stop action, gun battles,
explosions, car crashes and weird characters, he also has co-star
Lynda Wiesmeier go topless for 90% of her screen time. That alone is
worth the price of admission. Santiago, whose other 80's post-nuke
actioners include STRYKER (1983), EQUALIZER
2000 (1986) and THE SISTERHOOD
(1987), never takes frequent collaborator Frederick Bailey's
cliché-ridden script too seriously, although there is a scene
later in the film where Trace has to watch sister Arlie, who has been
raped by nearly all of Scourge's men during her captivity, beg for
something to eat from her captors, offering her body for a morsel of
food. This is as close to pathos as this film gets, because the
remainder of the flick is a series of action set-pieces, where Trace
and his new partners get in and out of trouble. Trace likes to burn
his victims to a crisp with his portable flame-thrower, giving
Santiago ample opportunities to showcase stuntmen running or doing
high falls while on fire, one of Santiago's signature trademark moves
in nearly every action film he made during the 70's, 80's & 90's.
As a matter of fact, WHEELS OF FIRE
(a title which apparently refers to Trace's car-mounted
flame-thrower) contains all of Santiago's signature shots: Fire,
rape, explosions and little people in funny costumes (The dwarf actor
who plays Mud [who is not listed in the credits, even though he has a
sizable role] wears a rebel cap, probably the same cap worn by Robert
Patrick in EQUALIZER 2000!). C'mon people, what's not to like?
Clark Henderson, the director of the god-awful WARLORDS
FROM HELL (1985) and the good SAIGON
COMMANDOS (1987), was Production Supervisor here. Also
starring Jack Daniels, Nigel Hogge, Don Gordon Bell and Henry
Strzalkowski. Originally available on VHS from Vestron
Video and available on Blu-Ray
from Code Red. Rated R.
WITHOUT
WARNING (1979) - Thanks to
this film being unavailable on legitimate home video in the U.S. for
over 25 years (no VHS release; I had to buy a Greek VHS release
to watch it years ago; a tape I still have, And let's get this
straight right off the bat: This film was made in 1979, not 1980.
Learn to read the end credits. If you don't know to read Roman
Numerals, learn them! Yes, I am talking to you, Scream Factory!) a
lot of people have been making unfair comparisons between this film
and PREDATOR (1987), thanks to
a ten second throw-away piece of dialogue spoken by Jack Palance at
the end of the film. The only real connections these two films have
in common is that there's a tall alien on Earth (the locations
between both films couldn't be more different) and both aliens were
played by the late Kevin Peter Hall (who is credited as "Kevin
Hall" in this film), who doesn't make an appearance in this film
until the closing minutes (not to mention that the aliens couldn't be
more different in the looks department). Actually, if you want to
make comparisons, this film bears more of a resemblance to IT
CONQUERED THE WORLD (1956; You can thank Susan Hart, the
widow of A.I.P. co-founder James H. Nicholson, for holding this film
hostage for a disc release. The IMDb says she has direct ownership of
10 A.I.P films, including I
WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF [1957], but there are those, myself
included, who think she directly owns many more of A.I.P.'s films,
which is why they are not on DVD or Blu-Ray.) thanks to the flying
little creatures the aliens throws at the humans like Frisbees (but
for different purposes) and attach themselves to the skin.
Thankfully, there's no "Carrot Monster" in this film. And
since it comes from director/producer Greydon Clark (who made the
underrated THE RETURN [1980] after
making this film), you know you are in for some good, gory fun. The
film opens up with a five minute cameo by Cameron
Mitchell (RAW FORCE -
1981; probably for some booze money), who is out hunting by a lake
with his pascifist son Randy (Clark regular Darby Hinton; HI-RIDERS
- 1978), who is more interested in reading a book than firing a
shotgun (he dumps the two shotgun shells from his double-barrel
shotgun to the ground, something he will quickly regret doing). All
of a sudden, some small circular creatures come flying through the
air and attach themselves to Mitchell's face and back, their
tentacles burrowing underneath his skin (good effects by Greg Cannom
and his crew) and their toothy middle section chewing on his flesh
(they are quite the sight). When Randy sees what is happening he goes
to fire his shotgun at the creatures in the air coming for him but,
oops, he already discarded those shells on the ground. We are then
introduced to Sandy (Tarah Nutter; whose entire acting career
encompassed four years) and Beth (Lynn Theel; HUMANOIDS
FROM THE DEEP - 1980) as they are about to go out on a date
to the lake with Beth's boyfriend Tom (the first film appearance by
David Caruso [CSI: MIAMI -
2002-2012], who wears blue short shorts in all his scenes!) and set
up Sandy on a blind date with Greg (Christopher S. Nelson; T.A.G.:
THE ASSASSINATION GAME - 1982). Before they get to the lake,
they stop at the local gas station and when they find the girl's
bathroom locked, Sandy decides to use the Mens Room, but sees the
words "No Chance. No Escape. No Help." written on one of
the stalls and becomes creeped out, even moreso when the obviously
crazy Fred 'Sarge" Dobby (Martin Landau; BLACK
GUNN - 1972) starts babbling something about aliens
infecting the city when he walks out of one of the stalls, but gas
station owner Joe Taylor (Jack Palance; ALONE
IN THE DARK - 1982; also with Landau) tells her to pay him
no mind (but Joe knows something he is not sharing with anyone else).
While this is going on, we see a Scoutmaster (Larry Storch; SWEET
SIXTEEN - 1982) and his group of young Scouts at the same
location on a nature hike. The flying creatures attach themselves to
the Scoutmaster and something large scares all the kids away. After
our two couples go to the lake, Tom and Beth head out to take a swim.
When they don't come back at nighttime, Greg and Sandy (who are
beginning to hit it off) go looking for them. They come upon a shack
in the middle of a field and when they look inside, the discover the
bosies of Tom, Beth, the Hunter and his son and the Scoutmaster, all
in various degrees of mutilation, with mustard-colored goo coming out
of all their wounds (some of the makeup effects are very good). It is
apparent that something is eating them and this shack is being used
as a food lacker, but the damn flying creatures chase Sandy and Greg
back to their van and attach themselves to the windshield. After
fumbling around looking for the keys and then having trouble starting
the van, our couple finally makes their getaway, but they decided to
stop at a bar (a bar???), leaving Sandy in the van (leaving her in
the van???) to get some help. He tells his story to the bar patrons,
which includes Leo (Neville Brand; THE
MAD BOMBER - 1972); Dave (Ralph Meeker; THE
FOOD OF THE GODS - 1976) and barmaid Aggie (Sue Ane Langdon; ZAPPED!
- 1982), all in glorified cameos, but the only one to believe him is
Sarge, who says he has seen flying saucers in the area for years. The
rest think Sarge is a drunk ex-soldier who is suffering some form of
P.T.S.D. (they don't say "P.T.S.D.", because it wasn't a
term used back then, but they imply it.). Just because he is drunk
and crazy, doesn't mean he is wrong. Joe than comes into the bar
carrying the body of Sandy. Seems she has seen the head alien and has
passed out. Suddenly, the electricity goes out and when the door of
the bar opens, Sarge uses his gun and shoots, thinking it is the
alien, but he shoots the Sheriff (But he did not shoot the deputy.
Old joke). Jim knows all about the aliens (he keeps a live flying one
in a jar back at his gas station to study it) and knows how to remove
tham from a body without killing the person (it's quite gross). Greg
and Sandy take Jim to the shack in the woods (where Jim makes a ten
second remark that the aliens may be hunting us for sport, but the
bodies are probably being used to feed the alien), where Jim sees all
the dead bodies, which are in worse condition when Greg and Sandy
originally saw them (Mitchell, Hinton and Storch'e bodies are
particularly in bad condition, especially Hinton's missing eye). Jim
is smiling and tells the couple that the alien will have to return
shortly to feed, but a flying creature attaches itself to Jim's leg
as he tells Greg and Sandy to leave because he has dangerous work to
do. While Greg and Sandy are dodging flying creatures left and right
as they are running through the woods, Jim cut's off the creature on
his leg. It seems like the main alien sends these little creatures to
incapacitate the humans until the alien can retrieve their bodies,
injecting them with some paralyzing venom and having a tiny meal with
their sharp teeth while they do so. Greg and Sandy flag down a police
car, only to find out too late after they jump into the caged, locked
back seat that Sarge is driving. He accuses them both of being aliens
in human bodies and has totally lost his mind, but they somehow
escape the police car and jump off a bridge into the water below.
Meanwhile, Jim is digging holes around the shed and filling them up
with explosives while Greg and Sandy find an empty house to get
clothes to replace their wet ones (for some reason, Sandy goes into a
crying jag over a broken music box that reminded her of her past).
It's also obvious that this house isn't occupied by just Greg and
Sandy. When Sandy wakes up from a short nap, she goes into the other
room to wake up Greg, who is sitting with his back to her on a big
comfy desk chair. When Sandy turns the chair around after Greg
doesn't answer her, she discovers one of the flying creatures
is attached to Greg's face (one of the biggest surprises of the film)
and the rather tall alien is seen for the first time (a first-rate
makeup job by Cannom). Rather than running for her life, Sandy
decides to hide in a shed under the porch of the house, but the alien
is too smart to fall for an old trick like that. Before the alien can
grab her, she is saved by Jim, who brings her back to the shack.
Sarge nearly ruins everything, but the alien kills him. Jim's body is
then covered with a whole bunch of the little flying suckers, so he
decides to give up his life by luring the alien to the shed while
Sandy uses the plunger to destroy everything. After the prerequisite
wiring problems (one of the wires has slipped off the connector),
Sandy manages to reconnect it and destroy the alien, Jim and the
shack in a huge explosion, putting an end to the alien menace. But
then we hear Sarge's crazy voice just before the end credits saying,
"We ain't! We ain't alone!" Full of gooey, juicy pieces of
gore and other messiness, this is one of Greydon Ckark's most
accomplished films (although, like I said before, I like THE
RETURN better). Clark made a substantial amount of films of
all genres (he's still alive today, but hasn't directed a film since
1998. Some of his films include (beside the ones previously
mentioned): THE BAD BUNCH
(1976); SATAN'S CHEERLEADERS
(1977); ANGEL'S BRIGADE
(1978); WACKO (1981); JOYSTICKS
(1983); FINAL JUSTICE
(1984); UNINVITED (1987); SKINHEADS:
THE SECOND COMING OF HATE (1988); THE
FORBIDDEN DANCE (1990; a film about the short-lived Lambada
craze); DARK FUTURE (1994) and many
more (he started as an actor in Al Adamson films [he bears an uncanny
resemblance to actor Paul Le Mat] and also had roles in THE
MIGHTY GORGA [1968]; PSYCHIC
KILLER [1974; also a Co-Writer and Associate Producer], as
well has having roles in his own films, even taking a lead role in THE
BAD BUNCH). But the thing I find amazing it something that I
am sure even Clark didn't expect: That two of the stars in this film
would have career resurgences in the 90's and both win Academy
Awards®: Jack Palance as Best Actor in a Supporting Role, for his
unbalanced portrayal as unruly cowboy "Curly" in CITY
SLICKERS (1991; Remember his one-arm push-ups on stage at
age 73?) and Martin Landau as Best Actor in a Supporting Role, for
his portrayal as Bela Lugosi in Tim Burton's ED
WOOD (1994). It took four screenwriters, Lyn Freeman, Daniel
Grodnik, Ben Nett and Steve Mathis, to come up with the rather unique
story, but most of the characters are woefully underwritten, even the
two young leads. Only Martin Landau and Jack Palance get time to
shine, but we don't really watch these film for character
development, do we? Scream Factory,
which seems to be the go-to company for long-unseen films like this,
released this in a beautiful Blu-Ray/DVD
Combo Pack, with a reversible cover showing its alternate title: IT
CAME...WITHOUT WARNING. The anamorphic widescreen print is
in perfect shape and there's a full-length audio commentary by Clark
and on-screen interviews with cinematographer Dean Cundey,
Co-Writer/Co-Producer Daniel Grodnik, Makeup Artist Greg Cannom and
Actor Christopher S. Nelson, as well as the original theatrical
trailer. This is a great little time-waster that gives fans of these
films exactly what they want. The only thing that is missing is
nudity, something I found strange because many of the scenes take
place at a lake. Oh, well, you can't have everything. A Scream
Factory Blu-Ray/DVD Release. Rated R.
XTRO 2: THE SECOND ENCOUNTER (1991) - Harry Bromley-Davenport's original XTRO (1983) was a quirky, if incomprehensible, little sleeper that relied on imagination rather than budget to tell its story. Davenport returns eight years later with a bigger budget and very little imagination in what has to be the umteenth retread of ALIEN (1979). A top secret government project transports three people to a parallel dimension. Only one returns, and she is carrying an unknown alien inside he body. The creature escapes, bursting through her chest (how original!) and the computer-controlled underground facility is sealed off, not allowing the creature or the occupants to escape. Soon it's the old "Us vs It" scenario, as the ragtag group of scientists (led by Jan-Michael Vincent, looking coked-out through the entire proceedings) try to kill the cheesy-looking monster before it wipes them out. It should have wiped out the screenwriters instead. It took four people to write this shit? Give me a break! Better yet, break their arms so they will not be able to write again. Films like this were a dime a dozen during the 90's. Also starring Paul Koslo, Tara Buckman, Jano Frandsen and Nicholas Lea (Krychek on THE X-FILES [1993 - 2002]). A New Line Home Video Release. Rated R. See below for the final sequel.
XTRO:
WATCH THE SKIES (1995) -
Second in-name-only sequel that plays more like a low-rent version of PREDATOR
(1987). A
group of military misfits are sent to an uncharted island under the
pretense of cleaning up unexploded bombs left over from World War II.
What they find is something totally different. The island was
actually used by the government as a secret base for experiments on
the occupants of a crashed UFO. The soldiers find a roll of film that
shows scientists performing an autopsy on a live alien, while
its mate watches horrified in a steel cage. The mate escapes
and kills all the scientists except one, who is now living on the
island as a hermit. The soldiers accidently release the alien again
and they are hunted down not only by the alien, but also by the
government who would like to cover-up the mess. This is the first
film to cash in on the supposedly true alien autopsy that
has received much publicity in the mid 90's. This is not a very good
film except for a few good gore scenes. The acting, screenplay and
direction (by Harry Bromley-Davenport, who also did the other two XTRO
films) leave a lot to be desired. Starring Sal Landi, Andrew Divoff,
Jim (Brother of Tom) Hanks, Karen Moncrieff, Robert Culp
(a brief cameo for some booze money) and Daryl Haney (who also wrote
the screenplay). A Triboro Entertainment Home Video Release. Rated
R.