SHORT REVIEWS A - M
ACROSS
THE RIVER (2013) -
Interesting Italian horror film that takes you in unexpected
directions. An ethologist (a person who studies animal behavior
with emphasis on the behavioral patterns that occur in natural
environments) by the name of Marco Contrada (Marco Marchese) traps
animals in the remote woods on the Slovenian border and attaches
cameras to them so he can study their movements. The footage from one
of these cameras will lead him to an even more remote village, where
he will become trapped and what he discovers will change his life
forever, that is if he survives the ordeal. But I am getting ahead of
myself, so let's move back to the beginning&ldots;
While in the remote woods, collecting memory cards he has on
motion-activated cameras connected to trees, Marco discovers
something strange floating in the river, what looks like two young
girls' white night dresses, the kind girls use to wear years ago when
they went to bed. He finds it somewhat strange, but he has seen
stranger things in the woods and continues to do his job, setting up
cages to capture animals he previously tagged with cameras, such as
wild boar and deer. We then see an old man (Renzo Gariup) and his
wife (Lidia Zabriezach) in bed, the old man awoken by a strange noise
he heard in the woods, but his wife tells him to ignore it and come
back to bed. It's a noise he has heard before and by the look on his
face, it is not a noise he thought he would ever hear again. Marco
spends the night in a shack in the woods and the next morning goes
about his business of collecting memory cards from the cameras he has
placed on trees. He then hears the same strange noise as the old man
and it turns out to be a thirteen-pound fox that he had previously
tagged with a camera that he has caught in one of his cages. He
shoots a tranquilizer dart with a blowgun into the fox's body and
removes the memory card from the camera and then lets the fox go free
when it awakens. He begins to view the memory card on his laptop in
his RV and is taken aback by some footage showing the fox traveling
some place he has never seen before; a strange village where the
buildings look ancient in their construction, like something out of a
medieval textbook. He follows the coordinates on the footage with his
RV, crossing a river whose water
is about to rise to dangerous levels thanks to the torrential rain
outside. He ends up in a remote village he didn't know existed, a
large stone wall surrounding it. Marco searches the village and it
seems to be deserted, but he will soon find out it is anything but.
As night comes, he discovers the carcass of a 240-pound wild boar he
had previously tagged and there are bites on the abdomen of the
still-warm carcass. They look like human bites, yet the body looks
torn apart by something with large claws, something not human. He
then hears a noise that chills him to the bone, so he runs to his RV
and locks himself inside it.
Marco watches the footage taken from the dead wild boar and sees
something large tearing it apart, the camera not revealing what is
doing the deed, but scaring him enough to grab his shotgun and go
outside to see if he can find what caused it. Marco finds nothing,
but chalks it up to a pack of wolves. He then gets in his RV and
begins to head back to civilization, but the river he needs to cross
is overflowing and he has no other way to get back, so he is forced
to stay in the village. He gets the feeling that he is not alone (he
finds a pocket watch and a book full of strange symbols, as well as
deer bones scattered throughout the village), so he sets up a
motion-activated camera in the village to alert him of movement,
which it does in the middle of the night, waking him up, so he goes
outside for a look, armed with a flashlight, a directional locator
and his shotgun. He finds blood in places it wasn't earlier in the
day and hears glass clanging in one of the buildings (where there's
an old family photo, where the faces of two young girls, twins [?],
are scratched out). Whomever, or whatever, it was manages to stay out
of sight. To make matters worse, it begins raining heavily again,
further prolonging Marco's stay in the village.
Marco hopes to discover who or what it is that manages to stay
hidden by watching more footage on the memory cards and discovers an
ominous scream that scares all the animals away. But what could it
be? He then sees two young girls, the same girls in the old photo,
dressed in white night dresses in some of the footage, seen
immediately after the scream is heard (Their eyes eerily glow in the
dark, the result of the camera recording in night vision mode, but
eerie nonetheless). Things go from bad to worse when Marco discovers
that his RV is missing, forcing him to stay in the village at night,
every building's roof leaking during the torrential rainstorm,
putting him on further edge. And making matters much worse is that he
is now getting sick from a mysterious illness, making him cough up
blood and upchuck. Is it possible that this village is cursed and
Marco is the latest victim? Count on it, as the more he tries to find
a way out of the village and back to civilization, it only leads him
back to the village. We then watch the old man listening to a radio
news report about Marco, saying he has vanished in the woods of
Eastern Friuli on the Slovenian border and it is impossible to search
for him due to the severe weather. Will Marco survive this ordeal or
will he become another victim of the village's curse?
This was one of those movies I watched on a whim, with no
inclination of writing a review, but after viewing it, I thought it
was worthy of my pen. This was a film I picked while perusing the
synopsis on Amazon Prime, no idea of what it was about (or that it
was Italian!) except for a brief, one sentence description. Hoping it
wasn't a "found footage" film (a subgenre I despise) , my
hopes were nearly dashed by the black and white POV footage of
animals in the woods that opened the film, but my worries were
relieved when Marco appeared. While there are found footage aspects
to the film, including footage the old man shows to Marco's Civil
Defense rescuers; home movies taken by soldiers during World War II,
showing how strange the village was, even back then (giving us an
inkling of what Marco is about to go through, but if I described it,
it would ruin the film for you), but it is integral to the plot and
therefore necessary. While basically a one person film until the old
man appears two-thirds into the film, director Lorenzo Bianchini (THE
SQUARE ROOT OF THREE - 2001; CUSTODY
OF THE BEAST - 2004; EYES
- 2010), working with a screenplay written by himself and wife
Michela Bianchini, keeps things interesting with a minimal of
dialogue (the film is in Italian with English subtitles) and a lot of
atmospheric visuals (running water seems to be the film's main
theme), as well as some graphic violence, but this is not a gore
film. While this film won't win any prizes, it is a perfectly
acceptable way to spend 91 minutes of your precious time. Also
featuring Alessio Bertoni, Lucio Zannella, Edo Basso and Fiorella
Petrozzi & Marzia Ancora as the cursed twin sisters. Not Rated.
ADAM
AND EVE VERSUS THE CANNIBALS
(1983) - Crazy-ass Italian/Spanish exploitation flick on the
Bible's take on the creation of man, only this film doesn't mention
God at all (but it does mention the word "faith" a few times).
After an opening of stock footage of volcanos erupting and the
harsh, hard landscape turning into a lush forest, we see Adam (Mark
Gregory; 1990:
THE BRONX WARRIORS - 1982) being born, fully grown, out of a
flesh-like cocoon (yet he still has a belly button!). Adam wanders
the land, having virgin experiences with everything, like lions and
other wild animals (he is friends with them, like Tarzan!) and
visiting the ocean for the very first time, where he is a natural
born swimmer. Adam soon becomes lonely, so he creates a version of a
woman in the sand (How the fuck does he know what a woman looks
like???) and protects it when the rain threatens to wash it away. He
jumps on top of his sand castle woman and as the rain dissolves his
creation, the sand washes away, but there is a live woman underneath
him, Eve (Andrea Goldman; in her only film). They walk around naked
in their huge Garden of Eden (only showing both male and female
full-frontal nudity in long shots), swimming in the lake (with a
beautiful waterfall, a location used in many Italian jungle films)
and generally having the time of their lives, but a hissing snake
tempts Eve to take a bite of the sweet apple. Eve is tired of eating
berries and dates, so she reaches for the apple, but Adam stops her,
saying it is forbidden (Suddenly, they speak perfect Italian!). Eve
tries to stay away from the apple, but the snake keeps egging her on
until temptation takes over and she takes a bite of the apple,
handing it to Adam, who also takes a bite out of it. Adam, who sees a
lion screwing a tiger from behind, gets the idea of doing the same
thing to Eve, so he takes her from behind and she likes it! Then,
they are swept out of the Garden of Eden and forced to live off the
land, no more garden, no more food (And the film never tells us who
forced them out of the Garden, but that is something we should all know).
After almost getting carried off by a pteradactyl (proving once and
for all that man lived with the
dinosaurs, just like The Flintstones!), which Adam kills by forcing
its jaws open (hilarious in the way it's portrayed, but there is a
much funnier scene to come), our biblical twosome meet a clan of
post-cavemen (When they see that this clan is wearing clothes that
cover their privates, Adam and Eve suddenly become bashful in their
nakedness and put on clothes so small, it barely covers their private
parts). They almost get into a fight (A couple of male clan members
hold Adam, while their leader grabs his dick!), but Adam wants to
look for the sea, because he believes that is where he and Eve
belong. Eve doesn't want to go, so Adam heads out alone, Eve becoming
friendly with a male member of the tribe that the credits list as
"Bearkiller" (Ángel Alcázar). Eve and
Bearkiller become close (if you know what I mean), but Adam gets
lonely and heads back to Eve. When he gets back, Adam becomes jealous
when he sees his woman with another man (Ah, so this is where
jealously came from!). Eve indoctrinates Bearkiller on the joys of
bathing and while he is washing the green paint off his body, a bear
appears (When I tell you this is the worst bear costume I have ever
saw, believe it!) and Adam watches as Bearkiller (So that how he got
his name!) kills the bear with his trusty club. Then a clan of
neanderthal cannibals attack Bearkiller's clan, killing a female
member and eating her, while Adam uses his new club to kill a couple
of cannibals and save Bearkiller's clan. Eve grows tired of
Bearkiller (Just like a woman) and goes back with Adam. They search
for their place by the sea, but it is a long and arduous journey, as
they go hungry and are attacked by a pack of wolves, but they
persevere and find their place by the sea when the frozen ground
beneath them melts, showing them that they have reached their
destination. Eve tells Adam that she is not felling well, not knowing
that she is actually pregnant. The film ends with Eve giving birth to
a son while she squats in the sea, Adam holding his son up to the
sun. The rest is history.
This entertaining, yet perverse film only proves to me how
ridiculous the Bible is. While this film exploits everything in that
book, it only shows us that our belief in immaculate creation is
nothing but a lie (That's all I am going to say about religion). The
film is wonderful to look at, as the locations are beautiful and
hazardous, sometimes at the same time. Too bad I can't say the same
thing about Mark Gregory, because he has a look on his face all the
time that will remind you of someone crapping their pants! Andrea
Goldman is easy on the eyes, but there a reason she never made
another film. She's a horrible actress. It took two directors to make
this hoary mess, Enzo Doria (as "Vincent Green") and Luigi
Russo (as "John Wilder"), who both directed the BLUE LAGOON
rip-off BLUE ISLAND (1982),
and seven screenwriters (I'm not going to mention them, to protect
their guilt) to bastardize the Good Book. This film isn't a total
write-off, as it has more that a few sequences that will make you
laugh out loud (And, just like most Italian jungle films, it contains
footage of real life animal death). Surprisingly, most of the animal
footage is not stock, as we can plainly see Mark Gregory petting
lions, cougars and other wild animals (yet wolves attack him!).
Originally released on edited fullscreen VHS by Trans
World Entertainment (TWE) as BLUE
PARADISE (I guess they were trying to make people believe
that this was a sequel to THE BLUE LAGOON
- 1980, but they should have released the directors' previous film
instead!). No legal DVD or Blu-Ray in the U.S. yet, but you can pick
up copies on DVD-R from some gray market sellers (like Desert Island
Classics and Mutant Sorority Pictures). This review is based on the
nice uncut, widescreen streaming version shown on Amazon Prime. It is
in Italian with English Subtitles, the way it should be seen. Also
featuring Costantino Rossi, Pierangelo Pozzato, Vito Fornari, Liliana
Gerace and Andrea Aureli. Not Rated.
THE
ALIEN FACTOR (1977)
- I'm
the first to admit that I would love to get in the filmmaking
business. But after viewing
this turd, I may have lost my desire to do so. This is filmmaking at
its' worst. Director/Producer Don Dohler (FIEND
- 1980; NIGHTBEAST
- 1982; GALAXY INVADER -
1985; BLOOD MASSACRE
- 1988 [his best film]; HARVESTERS
- 2001) must have said to his friends in Baltimore: "Hey gang,
I've got ten bucks. Let's make a movie!" What even amazes me
more is the fact that this film was sometimes shown on TV (usually
around 4:00AM). Here's the plot: An alien spacecraft crash lands in
the forest next to a secluded town. It seems the spacecraft was some
sort of zoo and all the captive alien creatures are set free to
terrorize the populace of the aforementioned town. An alien humanoid
is sent to Earth to stop this menace. Get a load of these
aliens! One looks like he is wearing oversized platform shoes
connected to stilts, while another contains the worst stop-motion
animation ever committed to film. Whenever I have insomnia I plunk
this video into the VCR and within 10 minutes I'm sound asleep.
There's one drawback, though. The next morning I always awake with a
bad taste in my mouth. Believe it or not, this also got a theatrical
release in 1978!. Originally released on VHS by VCI
Home Video. A Retromedia Entertainment
DVD Release. Also available on Mill Creek Entertainment's SCI-FI
INVASION 50 MOVIE DVD Compilation.
Not Rated
but no stronger than a PG.
The late Don Dohler (who passed away in 2006) remade the film as ALIEN
FACTOR 2: THE ALIEN RAMPAGE in 2001 with a bigger budget and
somewhat better effects. It still has the Dohler cheapness feel to
it, though.
THE
AMERICAN SCREAM (1988) - Tidy
little black comedy which contains a plot that is similar to 2000
MANIACS (1964), but offers enough differences to make it
unique. A family take their vacation to a winter resort only to have
the teenagers discover that
there is no one their age in the entire town. Everyone seems to be
into their thirties or higher. The kids try to avoid being killed,
espescially by the town's pastor (played by Blackie Dammett, whose
real name is John Kiedis, father of Red Hot Chilli Peppers' lead
singer Anthony Kiedis). They are helped in part by George
"Buck" Flower and his stuffed dog, who tells them the
story of how his family was killed there years ago, before getting a
bullet in his head for his trouble. The kids' parents act oblivious
to everything that is going on around them, but the finale shows that
they definitely came to this town for a purpose: namely to get rid of
their kids. The kids turn the tables on the townspeople and their
parents and in the end take over the town. Director/writer/producer
Mitchell Linden (his only directorial effort) includes a beheading,
various knifings, barbecued body parts and other bloody mayhem to
good effect. The acting is decent (Whatever happened to Blackie
Dammett? Remember him getting pummelled by Mel Gibson by the
Christmas trees in LETHAL WEAPON
(1987)? I always thought he had a face that could menace Jack
Palance!) and includes Matt Borlenghi (DINOCROC
- 2004), Pons Maar, Jennifer Darling (a terrific voice-over artist
responsible for supplying voices on animated films and cartoons too
numerous to mention), Kimberlee Kramer (a.k.a. Riley Weston, who
created quite a stir when she claimed to be 19 when writing for the
TV series FELICITY
[1998 - 2002], when she was actually 32!) and Kevin Kaye. An Innovid
Home Video Release. Rated R.
THE
AMITYVILLE HORROR (2005) -
"Houses don't kill people. People kill people." Well, duh!
But houses can give you that little push which sends you over the
edge. Unless you've lived in a cave for the past 30 years, you
already know the story behind
the Amityville horror. If you're like me, you were probably
thinking, "Why do we need a remake of the 1979 original?"
Turns out that this remake is pretty good, with plenty of decent jump
scares. George (Ryan Reynolds) and Kathy Lutz (Melissa George) move
into the infamous house one year after Ronald Defeo gunned down his
entire family while they slept. Happy-go-lucky Geoege does a 180
degree personality shift and the kids start experiencing various
degrees of supernatural scares, the little girl being especially
vunerable. As the house becomes more dominate in the Lutz's life,
Kathy asks a priest (Philip Baker Hall) to bless the house. We all
know what happens next: Flies and more flies as the house tells the
priest, "Get OUT!" While offering nothing new to the
Amityville legend (besides the addition of a boathouse in the
backyard), the remake offers plenty of scares and thrills (including
a tense rooftop rescue). Since one of the producers is Michael Bay
(who did the same on THE
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE remake in 2003), expect plenty of quick-cutting
and loud soundtrack jumps. Director Andrew Douglas (a TV commercial
director before this) actually keeps Ryan Reynolds' performance
restrained, as he has no sarcastic wisecracks to spout here like most
of the films he's been in (especially BLADE:
TRINITY - 2004). Reynolds is actually quite good here as a
man drifting into a psychotic rage he tries so hard to control. I've
seen a lot worse than this, so give it a chance when you have the
time. Besides, it's only 89 minutes long, a full 30 minutes shorter
than the original (which I always thought could have used some
trimming anyway). Also starring Jesse James, Jimmy Bennett, Chloe
Grace Moretz, Rachel Nichols and Brendon Donaldson. An MGM
Home Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.
ANIMAL INSTINCTS (1992) - This is probably the worst erotic thriller in recent memory. Cop Maxwell Caulfield tapes his overly eager wife (Shannon Whirry) in sexual frenzy with total strangers (both men and women). He does it to help save his marriage (he also gets his rocks off viewing the tapes). When he recognizes one of his wife's visitors as someone important he comes up with a blackmail scheme which lands him and his wife in hot water. There is absolutely nothing to recommend here. There are no murders, very little nudity and a real cop-out of an ending. Director A. Gregory Hippolyte (CARNAL CRIMES - 1991; MIRROR IMAGES - 1991; MIRROR IMAGES II - 1993), who directs porn films and non-sex flicks under the name "Gregory Dark" (his birth name is actually "Gregory Hippolyte Brown"), shows no talent whatsoever when it comes to erotic thrillers. Where he does excel is in directing stylish porn fims (NEW WAVE HOOKERS - 1985) and ultra-violent horror and sci-fi films, such as DEAD MEN WALKING (1987), STREET ASYLUM (1990) and SEE NO EVIL (2006). Demand your money back if you got suckered renting this one. An Academy Entertainment Release. Spawned two sequels, both directed by Hippolyte. Unrated.
AQUANOIDS (2003)
- Ambitious
little no-budgeter that bites off a little more than it can chew. In
1987 a small California coastal town (actually filmed on Catalina
Island) experiences 17 deaths attributed to sea creatures known as
Aquanoids. It was all covered up by the Mayor
and 16 years later the Aquanoids are back killing the surfers and
swimmers on the Fourth of July, much to the consternation of the
Mayor and his businessman partner and their "land deal". A
female environmentalist, Vanessa (Laura Nativo), and her friend
Christina (Rhoda Jordan) try to warn to populace, but are ignored by
everyone except her cop boyfriend Bruce (Christopher Irwin). The
Mayor and his friend try to kill Vanessa and fail. The rest of the
film contains scenes that are downright homages to HUMANOIDS
FROM THE DEEP (1980), JAWS
(1975) and contain references to TENTACLES
(1977) and ALLIGATOR
II: THE MUTATION (1991). Co-writers Eric Spudic and Mark J.
Gordon pepper the script with touches of absurd humor (The coroner
says "Say hi to your Grandpa!" to the Mayor soon after his
dead daughter, who was raped by the monster, gives birth to a baby
Aquanoid and gets shot through the head for the comment!; The
businessman fakes jerking-off with lotion while stealing an
incriminating videotape from a news reporter.), but the bad acting,
laughable creature suit and haphazard direction by Ray Peschke sink
this film before it has a chance of floating to the top. On the plus
side are the wonderful underwater photography (also by Peschke),
copious nudity, some good gore scenes and split screen effects
(something you don't usually see in low budget filmmmaking). Having
the heroines riding motorized scooters was also a hoot too. It could
have been a good film with proper financing and actors that can do
line readings without the help of cue cards. As it stands, it's an OK
time-waster good for a few laughs. Also starring Hugh Laurence Hobbs,
Edwin Craig, Ike Gingrich, Susan Spann and Doug Martin as the
coroner, the best part of the film. A York
Entertainment Home Video Release. The VHS tape is in letterbox,
even though the video box doesn't mention it. A pleasant surprise.
Also available on DVD. Rated R.
ATOM
AGE VAMPIRE (1960) - Don't
be fooled by the title, there's not a vampire in sight, just a grisly
little Italian horror flick with much to recommend. I remember
watching this on TV as a child in the '60s and being scared shitless
(and that was the edited-for-TV version). Even though 20 minutes were
cut out for its U.S. theatrical release, it is still an adult shocker.
Professor Alberto Levin (Alberto Lupo; MINOTAUR,
THE WILD BEAST OF CRETE - 1961) is
in love with exotic dancer Jeanette Moreneau (Susanne Loret; UNCLE
WAS A VAMPIRE - 1959), but when she has an accident in her
car (it goes over a cliff and explodes), burning her over 90% of her
body, it forces Alberto to use experimental means to restore her
beauty (her face is horribly burned). Alberto has created a serum
that regenerates human skin cells at an alarming rate, but it is only
temporary (Pre-dating DARKMAN
[1990] by 30 years. It makes you wonder.). Alberto tests his serum on
himself, turning him into a murderous monster at the most inopportune
times and he kills beautiful women to make more serum to keep
Jeanette beautiful.
His first victim is his own lab assistant Monique (Franca Parisi; WHITE
SLAVE SHIP - 1961), who is jealous of Jeanette being
Alberto's lover. She seems very happy when she sees Jeanette revert
back to her ugly, burned self and doesn't want to help Alberto
restore his love's beauty (In her defense, Alberto tells her that
they will have to kill young beautiful women in order to keep
Jeanette a stone cold fox). Alberto even goes as far as to make
Monique his lover and she appreciates it, not knowing that when he
kissed her, he put a drug in her glass of champagne, putting her in a
permanent coma. He eventually kills her and uses her glands to make
more serum.
Alberto is being dogged by the Commissioner of Police (Ivo Garrani; MILANO
CALIBRO 9 - 1972) when bodies of pretty women turn up
in the morgue. Also suspicious is Alberto's mute servant Sacha
(Roberto Bertea), but he is unable to voice his suspicions to the
Commissioner. As soon as the Commissioner leaves his house, Alberto
turns into his Mr. Hyde and takes a female pedestrian's (Gianna Piaz)
life, so he can perfect the serum to turn back into his normal self,
but that, too, is only temporary. Now Alberto has to kill more women
to obtain both of his goals.
Jeanette also has a secret. She is in love with Pierre Mornet
(Sergio Fantoni; THE
BELLY OF AN ARCHITECT - 1987), the owner of a nightclub where
she performed. When she meets Pierre, he is shocked to see she is
beautiful again, so he goes to the Commissioner and tells him what he
saw and what Jeanette told him about Alberto. The Commissioner finds
it hard to believe, since Jeanette is classified as a missing person,
but he goes to Alberto's house to see if it is true. Alberto assures
him that he doesn't know where Jeanette is and the Commissioner
believes him...for now (But Pierre secretly stands guard at the
house). We then learn that Alberto does all of his experimenting in a
greenhouse on his property and one of the Commissioner's men wonders
(out loud) why the gardener (Andrea Scotti; WEREWOLF
WOMAN - 1976) works nights as well as days (he's standing
guard over the greenhouse).
Jeanette becomes disillusioned with Alberto, telling him that she
wants to go back to Pierre. Alberto talks her into staying, telling
her that in a few days he will perfect his serum and she will have to
take no more shots. Alberto goes to a movie theater (Remember when
you were allowed to smoke there? I do.) and follows a female patron
home, where he tries to kill her, but her dog and some neighbors hear
her screams and stop him. Alberto escapes from them by jumping from
rooftop to rooftop, but this is the first big break for the
Commissioner, as he and his men find some evidence at the movie
theater and has the coroner examine it (it is Alberto's blood). What
will happen to Jeanette? Will Alberto perfect his serum and make
Jeanette and himself perfect or is he blowing hot air?
When Jeanette sees Alberto turning into his ugly alter ego, she
screams, alerting Pierre outside. Pierre gets into a fight with the
transformed Alberto and when he tries to kill Pierre, Jeanette
intervenes. Everything concludes in the greenhouse, where Alberto
dies in a hail of bullets and Jeanette and Pierre will have to live
with her being ugly. But the final shot shows us that Alberto did
indeed perfect his serum and the last thing he
did before he died was inject Jeanette with it. So there is a happy
ending after all.
This black & white Public Domain (PD) film was very adult for
its time (not unlike THE MANSTER
- 1960), forcing extensive cuts to be made so it was viewable to
children in U.S. movie theaters. Director Anton Giulio Majano (LIONS
OF CORSICA - 1961, who went on to a successful career in
Italian television, directing TV movies and mini-series until his
death in 1994) does sneak in some bits of nudity in this film, but
they are almost subliminal, as you have to slow down the film
frame-by-frame to see them, the most notable is Jeanette's right
breast sticking out of her sexy nightie when she gets out of bed in
the last 15 minutes of the film (Also, look in the nightclub the
first time we see Pierre, when a belly dancer exposes her breasts in
the background, but only for two frames). The screenplay, by Majano,
Gino De Santis (FURY OF ACHILLES
-1962) & Alberto Bevilacqua (PLANET
OF THE VAMPIRES - 1965), shies away from Alberto killing the
women, but it has an air of sleaze that editing cannot destroy. This
is a good, late night film to watch with the lights out (many kids
did, on TV in the '60s & '70s).
Filmed as SEDDOK,
L'EREDE DI SATANA ("Seddok, The Heir Of Satan"),
this film did get a U.S. theatrical release (by Topaz Film Corp.)
and, thanks to its Public Domain status, it has many VHS releases,
most notably by Acme Video (an arm of Rhino
Home Video that only released PD films). It also had many
stand-alone and multi-film DVD releases. The stand-alone DVD from Alpha
Video is the 70-minute TV cut and not the 87 minute theatrical
edit as it states on the DVD sleeve. Avoid that one at all costs
unless you are nostalgic. My review is based on the 107-minute
Italian version, which was fansubbed on torrent site Cimemageddon.
While I generally frown upon torrent sites, I don't feel guilty about
downloading this version, even though only the 70 and 87-minute
versions are in the Public Domain. I hardly doubt that any company
would release this version on DVD in the United States because it
definitely could have used some editing, as the middle section really
drags, so if you can find the 87-minute version, that is the one you
should watch (I believe it is part of Mill
Creek Entertainment's The
Undead: Vampire Collection 20 Movie Classic Features compilation
DVD, but I won't swear to it, as I have seen this film many times in
all three versions). A nice blast from the past that doesn't get the
recognition it deserves. Also starring Rina Franchetti (CROSS
CURRENT - 1971), Gianni Loti (THE
GIANT OF MARATHON - 1959), Tullio Altamura (HERCULES
AGAINST THE MONGOLS - 1963), Francesco Sormano (THE
SECRET 7 - 1963) and Glamor Mora as the belly dancer. Not Rated.
THE
ATTIC EXPEDITIONS (2000) - Head-scratching
horror
film that leaves too many questions unanswered. Trevor Blackburn
(Andras Jones of FAR FROM HOME
- 1989) awakens from a coma to be told by the strange Dr. Ek (Jeffrey
Combs of CASTLE FREAK
- 1995) that he has killed his fiancee in some kind of ritual
sacrifice. Trevor has no memories of this ever happening and is put
into a halfway house populated by the craziest patients this side of ONE
FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST (1975). Trevor teams up with
another patient (an over-hyper Seth Green of IDLE
HANDS - 1999) to search the forbidden attic of the halfway
house as it may hold clues to Trevor's past. Pretty soon the patients
start turning up dead in various bloody ways. Or do they? Is this all
happening in Trevor's mind or is Dr. Ek running one of his secret
medical experiments on him? Beats me, as the finale has one of the
most "What the fuck?!" denouements in recent memory. This
is by no means a bad film as it contains many atmospheric scenes that
induce shudders and it doesn't skimp on the blood and gore. It's just
that the film as a whole is unsatisfying because director Jeremy
Kasten and screenwriter Rogan Russell Marshall seem to have made a
movie that can't possibly have any type of coherent ending. That's a
shame because it had a really good premise. Also starring Wendie
Robie (TWIN PEAKS [1990
- 1992]), Ted Raimi (SKINNER -
1993), Beth Bates, Shannon Hart Cleary and a funny cameo by Alice
Cooper. A First Look Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.
AXE
GIANT: THE WRATH OF PAUL BUNYAN
(2012) - Minnesota 1884: Foreman Bill (a cameo by Dan Haggerty)
and his lumberjack crew have just called it a day and are ready for
dinner, where Elmer the Cook (Alan Tuskes) is roasting a huge ox over
a fire pit. Bill needs to take a shit before he eats, so he leaves
for the forest without his axe. When he returns, he finds his entire
crew and the other hired crew have been slaughtered, their heads and
other body parts bloodily dismembered. A slightly tall man with a
monstrous face appears and chases Bill into the log-sawing shack.
Bill first loses an arm from the large round spinning blade and then
he gets cut in half through the middle of his skull. Cut to the
present at the Minnesota Department of Corrections, where Ms. K
(Kristina Kopf) and the gruff Sgt. Hoke (Tom Downey) are running the
"First Offender Program", where teens and young adults like
Marty (Clifton Williams), Rosa (Victoria Ramos), Trish (Jill Evyn),
Zack (Jesse Kove) and CB Tanner (Amber Thomas), the father of Sheriff
Tanner (Tim Lovelace), have to survive a week in the Minnesota forest
and they will have their records wiped clean if they stay out of
trouble for six months. The trouble is CB is only semi-guilty, since
she got behind the wheel of her car slightly buzzed ("Buzzed
driving is drunk driving" is what those commercials say over and
over) and a man ran a red light and smacked into her car. A man with
influence with three arrests for DWI who used his power to blame CB
and made her attorney take a plea deal.
Daddy was powerless to do anything, because he was overruled at the
State level. So she took the plea deal and is now in this program.
People will thank her for that. Once everyone is in the forest (where
Sgt. Hoke treats them like they are in the the military while he
enjoys fine cigars and booze in his cabin), everyone meets Meeks (Joe
Estevez, who can do this kind of role blindfolded), who tells them
that there is death waiting for them the deeper they go into the
forest, but Sgt. Hoke tells everyone he is crazy. Not as crazy as
Sgt. Hoke thinks. On one of their grueling hikes, the giant Paul
Bunyan (Chris Hahn, who is rendered in CGI, forced perspective and
miniature sets) appears behind Trish and uses his trusty giant axe to
split her in half vertically and the cuts Sgt. Hoke in half through
his stomach, stepping Sgt. Hoke's upper torso when he won't shut up
about killing him (both deaths are highly graphic). Rosa is injured
by a giant flying branch, so everyone still left alive holes-up in a
cabin, while Paul Bunyan drags their van away ("There goes our
only ride, man!"). Meeks joins the group and tells them the real
story about Paul Bunyan. When he was born, he was unusually large and
doctors gave him a slim chance to live. His face was especially
deformed from the delivery. Meeks tells the group that Bunyan is so
angry because Zack stole one of Babe The Blue Ox's horns and he wants
it back. If they place it at the shrine he created for his only one
true friend, Paul Bunyon will probably leave them alone. Zack goes
outside and throws the horn into the woods, screaming that the giant
can leave them alone now, but the horn comes flying back and impales
Zack through his stomach and Paul Bunyan drags Zack away screaming.
Meeks continues his story of Paul Bunyan ("He's twice a big as
the normal man and lives three times as long!") and we see in
flashback Foreman Bill kill Babe and then hand him over to Elmer the
Cook to make dinner out of. Paul Bunyan (who is already six foot high
and just a teenager of 13) is enraged and goes on a murder spree (we
get to see him cut heads and appendages off where we only saw the
aftermath in the beginning of the film, thanks to Robert Kurtzman's
Creature Corps), ending in Foreman Bill's death. The people in town
capture him and drag him through town (the two men who drag him are
Robert Kurtzman and director Gary Jones), where people spit on him
and the girl he was sweet on, Mel (Donna Williams), turns her back on
him (She could overlook his ugliness, but not murder). He is thrown
into a mine shaft and the entrance sealed with dynamite. Bunyan
eventually escaped and headed for the high country, where he built a
shrine to Babe and grew and grew and grew. He really never bothered
anyone (We watch him kill a bear in the beginning of the film when
the bear goes to kill a deer, so he lives off the land) and has kept
to himself, but the desecration of Babe's shrine by Zack has turned
him into a wild man once again. Ms. K and the rest of the kids are
still in big trouble from Paul Bunyan's vengeance. Can Sheriff Tanner
save them in time? CB is in the most danger because she is the
spitting image of Paul's old flame Mel and Bunyan attacks the cabin,
using his axe to chop a hole into the cabin's roof. He grabs Rosa,
but when he gets a good look at her and sees it is not CB, Bunyan
throws her through the air like a ragdoll, where she hits a tree and
dies. Ms. K uses Sgt. Hoke's pistol and shoots Bunyan in the eye and
Sheriff Tanner shows up, puts a few rifle shots into Bunyan and he
falls back into the shack (a very good use of miniature sets and
forced perspective). Meeks, carrying a shotgun, refuses to let anyone
leave, because he does not want the town to know that Paul Bunyan is
real. Marty goes to grab the shotgun away from Meeks and gets shot in
the chest and dies. I guess Paul Bunyan doesn't feel the same way
about Meeks, because he throws the giant axe and decapitates him
(another very well done scene, where Meek's rolling head ends up in
front of the camera). The last three remaining survivors jump into
Sheriff Tanner's truck, where CB drives while her father shoots at
Paul Bunyan. who is chasing the truck. CB eventually crashes the
truck (Was she buzzed?), so the three head for a small bridge with
Bunyan not far behind. The door to the other side of the bridge is
locked and gunfire won't open it, but a posse who heard the Sheriff's
call for help earlier in the film show up and put a whole lot of
gunfire into Bunyan's body (pretty good scene). Before Bunyan dies,
he looks at CB and says "Mel! Mel!" and falls off the
bridge to the river below. All we see is one huge blood puddle. Is
this the end of Paul Bunyan (it isn't if you read the final words in
the end credits)? The posse carry Paul Bunyon's giant axe away as
proof and Sheriff Tanner, CB and Ms. K have a story to tell for
generations to come. And remember: "No critters were harmed in
the making of this film." This film made its debut on the
SyFy Network, but in severely edited form. There are scenes of
topless female nudity, foul language and plenty of bloody gore that
even regular cable wouldn't allow. Director/co-screenwriter (with
Jeff Miller)/co-producer (also with Miller)/visual effects editor
Gary Jones (MOSQUITO -
1995 [Jones and the late star Gunnar Hansen built up a
professional and personal friendship]; SPIDERS
- 2000 [a real guilty pleasure, even though the acting sucks]; CROCODILE
2: DEATH SWAMP - 2002 [must hold some type of record for
saying the word "fuck"]; JOLLY
ROGER: MASSACRE AT CUTTER'S COVE - 2005 [one of The Asylum's
few non-mockumentaries]; BOOGEYMAN 3
- 2008 [the best of the franchise]; and many others) manages to keep
the CGI at a minimum (Once you see Babe The Blue Ox in CGI, you'll be
thankful, believe me!) and relies more on physical effects (although
some are "goosed" with CGI), which makes a world of
difference in the enjoyment of this film. Robert Kurtzman's gory
effects are very well done (he makes a better effects man than a
director, as you can see in BURIED
ALIVE [2006], THE RAGE
[2007] and DEADLY IMPACT
[2010], although I will give him his well-deserved props for WISHMASTER
[1997]). This is no great shakes as a horror film, but it is a nice
little time-waster with some welcome gore, minimal CGI and nudity if
you watch it in its unedited form. Not your typical SyFy film.
Besides, who doesn't want to see Grizzly Adams bite the big one in
such a bloody way? It's worth it just for that alone. Also starring
Bud Moffett, Daniel Alan Kiely, John Schneider (no, not that one),
Tom Luhtala and Jeremy Price. A Virgil Films & Entertainment DVD
Release. Rated R.
THE
BAY (2012) - Readers of this site know
that I'm not the biggest fan of "found footage" films, but
here's one that is done correctly and it's also bloody and scary as
hell. Maybe that's because it was directed by Academy Award winner
Barry Levinson (he also co-wrote the story and co-produced with Oren
Peli; the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY
franchise), who gave us such quality movies like DINER
(1982) and RAIN MAN (1988).
The story adds-on to the real-life incidents in 2009, where millions
of dead fish washed ashore and flocks of birds dropped dead in
mid-air all over the world. The film starts in 2012, where reporter
Donna Thompson (Kether Donohue) give a video interview that contains
government-confiscated footage from all different sources about
something she witnessed as a novice fluff story TV reporter
in the coastal town of Claridge, Maryland on July 4, 2009 (actually
filmed in Georgetown, South Carolina). The town is enjoying it's
tourist-packed July 4th celebration when people start breaking out in
disgusting boils, bleeding profusely from every orifice and finally
dying after something eats its way from the inside-out of their
bodies. Footage taken by a couple of oceanographers and an
eco-terrorist a month earlier show that the bay is severly polluted,
probably because a huge chicken farm in the vicinity is dumping tons
and tons of chicken shit directly into the water (the shit contains
steroids used to feed the chickens so they grow faster). The
oceanographers discover an unknown parasite is infecting the fish,
sometimes growing to fist size in a record amount of time. Mayor John
Stockman (Frank Deal) knows all about it, but refused to report it to
higher authorities in fear that it will destroy their tourism
business (reminicent of JAWS -
1975). He did the same thing two years earlier when the local nuclear
power plant had an accident and radioactive waste seeped into the bay
and local artesian wells. To make matters worse, the Mayor built a
desalinization plant, which turns the bay's salt water into fresh
drinking water. Now it has all come back to bite him in the ass.
People begin dropping like flies, quickly filling up the town's
hospital. Dr. Jack Abrams (Stephen Kunken) sees the rapidly spreading
boils, is forced to amputate limbs and contacts the Center For
Disease Control, who prove as useful as tits on a rock. As the
outbreak progresses, the parasites begin biting out people's tongues
and bursting out of every part of their bodies, while Donna and her
cameraman document what is going on outside. What follows next is not
for the faint of heart. Even though the ending is a little too pat,
director Levinson mostly stays away from the "shakey cam"
syndrome, relying instead on a professional news cameraman,
stationary cameras throughout the town, police car dashboard cameras
and Skype conversations on computers to document the carnage. There
are a few jump-out-of-your-seat moments as well and the gore and
blood scenes are very well done and plentiful (even the CGI parasites
are seamless). Hey, I'll now admit that not all found footage films
are bad (I also liked CHRONICLE
- 2012), but this one stands out among the pack because it has a
director who knows how to do it right. See it when you get the chance
and decide for yourself. Also starring Kristen Connolly, Christopher
Denham, Justin Welborn, Andy Stahl, James Patrick Freetly, Lauren
Cohn, Jody Thompson and Robert Treveiler as the most useless CDC
doctor ever committed to film. Originally released simultaneously to
theaters and Video On Demand (VOD), a new practice that is becoming
commonplace with small films like this. A Lionsgate
Entertainment DVD & Blu-Ray Release. Rated R.
BEYOND JUSTICE (1990) - Rutger Hauer (SPLIT SECOND - 1992) takes another step in the wrong direction appearing in this lifeless Italian action flick. Hauer is hired by rich bitch Carol Alt (BYE BYE BABY - 1988) to retrieve her son who has been kidnapped by her ex-husband (Kabir Bedi; SATAN'S MISTRESS - 1982). Bedi brings the kid to grandfather Omar Sharif's (JUGGERNAUT - 1974) Middle Eastern fortress to teach him how to become Emir once Omar kicks the bucket. This film breaks the cardinal rule of action films: It's deadly slow and dull. Nice music though (by Ennio Morricone). This 113-minute film is a condensed version of a six-hour Italian TV mini-series, which may explain why some of the plot points just disappear without any explanation. Directed by Duccio Tessari (THE BLOODSTAINED BUTTERFLY - 1971). Also starring Elliott Gould (WHO? - 1974), Brett Halsey (TOUCH OF DEATH - 1990), Christopher Ahrens (SHOCKING DARK - 1989) and Larry Dolgin (TOP LINE - 1988). Rated R.
BLACK
DEMONS (1991) - If this film
is to be known for anything it would be that it is director Umberto
Lenzi's final horror film of his long and storied career. Other
than some sparse gore, this film is the usual low-budget,
clichéd horror film full of no-talent actors, which came from
Italy during their darkest period in filmmaking history (The
late-'80s/early-'90s). Besides some nice scenery (filmed in Brazil)
and the gore, there's not much to recommend here.
Brother and sister Dick (Joe Balogh; Andy Milligan's MONSTROSITY
- 1987) and Jessica (Sonia Curtis; THE
BOSTON STRANGLER: THE UNTOLD STORY - 2006) have been in
Brazil for ten days researching and collecting local music when Dick
says he is tired of acting like a "package tourist",
telling Jessica they should have remained in New York City. Dick
wants to explore Brazil's black magic culture, especially the Macumba
rites, but traveling companion (and Jessica's boyfriend) Kevin (Keith
Van Hoven; THE HOUSE OF CLOCKS
- 1989) tells Dick to cut the crap, they're on the verge of the 21st
Century and it is asinine to believe in such things (Dick says:
"You know, Kevin, you really get up my nose!"). Dick walks
off on his own in search of black magic adventures, telling Jessica
and Kevin that he has to get as far away from them as possible,
calling them "ball busters."
Instead of worrying about her brother being alone in a dangerous
city (Wait until you hear her excuse why later in the film! I'm not
going to tell you what it is because I would be depriving you of some
fucked-up familial enjoyment), Jessica and Kevin go back to their
hotel and make love! Dick walks around the city, stopping to watch
some children performing some strange ritual in the street. Dick
notices a painted seashell by his feet and he picks it up. The
children immediately stop their ritual and stare at Dick, as if he
has done something wrong, and then run away. Suddenly, Dick notices
the streets are completely empty of people and realizes he is lost,
with no idea how to get back to the hotel. He starts running and
notices a blind man (Justo Silva) with pure white eyes (no pupils)
sitting on a blanket containing a human skull, some black candles and
other black magic paraphernalia. Dick is drawn to the strange
necklace this man is wearing. A local woman (Clea Simoes; MACUMBA
LOVE - 1960) taps him on the shoulder and tells Dick that
the blind man is a Macumba witchdoctor. Dick wants to see him perform
a Macumba ritual, but the woman tells him to go away because he is
not "purified" and the ritual could have deadly
consequences for anyone not initiated in the religion. Dick tells the
woman that he was initiated by a Macumba priest in New York City and
demands to take part in the ceremony. The woman tells Dick to be at
the statue of Christ the Redeemer at sunset and she will take him to
the ceremony. This is the beginning of a supernatural journey for
Dick, Jessica and Kevin that involves a group of zombie slaves who
were mistreated and killed by their owner and have spent the better
part of two centuries lost in limbo. These zombie slaves' only
purpose is to rip apart and kill any white person they cross paths with.
Back at the hotel, Kevin gets a phone call while in bed with
Jessica, but all he hears on the other end is a man scream (the
meaning of this is never explained). Jessica finally says that she is
worried about her brother; he has been away for two days and she
hasn't heard from him, not even a phone call. We are then at the
Macumba ceremony, where the woman has Dick blindfolded so he doesn't
know the location of the ritual. Dick watches the witchdoctor behead
a live rooster and one of the female dancers drinks the rooster's
blood directly from its neck stump. The witchdoctor gives Dick his
necklace and when he drinks from a ceremonial goblet, he passes out.
Dick wakes up in his hotel room the next morning, no idea how he got
there. Jessica and Kevin tell him they have to go on a small trip and
Dick joins them. The Jeep breaks down in the middle of nowhere, when
the trio meets Jose (Philip Murray) and Sonia (Juliana Teixeira), two
rich young people who offer them to spend the night at their
plantation. Their housekeeper, Maria (Maria Alves), notices Dick's
necklace and become unhinged, performing secret rituals in her room
with black candles. That night, Dick walks out of his guests' opulent
plantation in a trance and ends up in a cemetery in the jungle
(Notice the headstones have no names on them, just numbers. An old
practice used in slave graveyards). Dick plays a recording of a
Macumba ceremony on his Sony Walkman (I guess he recorded the
witchdoctor's ceremony) and the ground around the headstones begin to
burn, while the headstones bleed. Suddenly, hands burst out of the
ground and a group of zombies (there are six of them, each
zombie having an item that differentiates them from the rest [hook,
axe, knife, pitchfork, etc.]) begin attacking the plantation, killing
off the residents and guests one-by-one.
The first to die is Sonia, as the zombie with a hook uses it to poke
out her right eye (the first instance of graphic violence). Hook
Zombie pokes out Maria's left eye while she begs for her life and Axe
Zombie plants his instrument into her skull. Knife Zombie stabs Jose
in the arm, but Kevin saves him from certain death. Kevin goes
looking for Maria, finding her hanging by her neck, her eye hanging
out of its socket and lit candles in the shape of a crucifix directly
underneath her hanging body. Jose tells Kevin and Jessica that this
will all end and the zombies will return to their graves when they
kill six white people, yet Kevin and Jessica still refuse to believe
in zombies, Jessica using the 21st Century excuse again. When Kevin
finds Dick in a trance and brings him back to the plantation,
everyone decides to leave, but Dick, once again, disappears. Jessica
finds Dick in the cemetery and notices six old coffins are empty. She
now believes in zombies, so everyone jumps in Kevin's Jeep (when did
they have the time to get it fixed???) and drive off to the nearest village.
Keith stupidly drives off the road and the Jeep gets stuck in the
dirt (C'mon now. A 4-wheel drive Jeep stuck in dirt???). While Kevin
and Jessica try to find someone to help them pull the Jeep out of the
dirt, Jose notices Dick's necklace, so Dick pulls out a switchblade
and cuts Jose's throat! Dick then tells for help and tells Jessica
and Kevin that a zombie killed Jose, but Jessica notices Dick's
necklace is in Jose's dead hand. Dick also slices all the tires on
the Jeep, forcing the trio to hoof it back to the plantation and
barricade themselves inside. A possessed Dick (living up to his name)
chases Jessica through the house with an axe while Kevin throws
Molotov cocktails at the zombies. Dick chops through a door to get to
Jessica (doing his best Jack Nicholson imitation). Jessica escapes
and Kevin kills both Knife and Hook Zombies with fire. Pitchfork
Zombie kills Dick by impaling him in the stomach and then goes after
Jessica, but Kevin saves her by setting fire to the rest of the
zombies. As they drive away (Where in the hell did they get
tires???), they pass the same children Dick saw performing a ritual,
with the witchdoctor
sitting nearby. Does this mean that Jessica and Kevin will soon be
dead? God, I hope so!
While not quite as bad as Umberto Lenzi's other films late in his
career (WELCOME TO
SPRING BREAK - 1988; THE
HOUSE OF WITCHCRAFT - 1989; THE
HOUSE OF LOST SOULS - 1989; BLACK
COBRA 4 - 1991), this still has a long way to go for me to
even mention the word "good". Horribly acted by a cast of
unknown actors & Brazil locals and sloppily paced (most of these
films are), it takes nearly an hour for the zombies to appear and the
infrequent gore to happen, while Dick walks around with the same
dazed look on his face. I'm not sure if it was supposed to be that
way in the film or whether he's just a bad actor, but it makes no
difference, because all the characters are nothing but horror film
clichés, doing the stupidest things possible at the most
inopportune times (screenplay by Olga Pehar; The KARATE
WARRIOR series [1988-1993]; who was Lenzi's wife). The
character of Jose is supposed to come across as a hard-ass who treats
the help (Maria) badly, even hitting her, but when he loses his
temper, he comes across as a teen having a conniption fit or going
into a jealous rage. He's about as dangerous as a baby with a
grenade. I would also venture to say that this film is somewhat
racist, especially the way it displays the zombie slaves, especially
the black zombie with a noose around his neck and all of them have
their legs shackled, forcing them to shuffle, something that would
send Civil Rights leaders into a state of rage if the film were to be
made today. For 200-year-old zombies, they are very well preserved,
hardly any decomposing skin on their bodies (just some brown oatmeal
on their faces and nowhere else). And why are there no female
zombies? Surely they must have been abused, too? All I can say about
this film is that if you have nothing better to do (like trimming
your nose hairs with a weed whacker), you may want to give this film
a look. It's not a recommendation, just an idea. It is Lenzi after all.
Filmed as DEMONI
3 ("Demons 3")
and also known as BLACK
ZOMBIES, this film never obtained a theatrical or VHS
release in the United States, making its first appearance on these
shores as a stand-alone DVD
from Shriek Show/Media Blasters. They later released it in the DEMONS
TRIPLE FEATURE Box Set, with the films THE
OTHER HELL (1980) and DEMONS
III: THE OGRE (1988), the way I viewed it for this review.
No updated discs since then, but a nice anamorphic widescreen print,
dubbed in English, can be found streaming on YouTube from user
"Horror Realm". Also featuring Rita Monteiro, Felix
Lorival, Paul R. Goodman, Tony Martins and Louis Karlson. Not Rated.
BLACK
CRYSTAL (1990)
- Remember that first time you had sex? The uncertainty. The
sweaty palms. The joy you felt during the actual act of making love
and, finally, realizing how quick the whole thing took. You'll
experience nothing of that while watching
this film. One-man kamakaze squad Mike Conway wrote, directed,
edited, starred and composed the music for this piece of crap. When
Will Harper (Conway) picks up a hitchhiker on a deserted highway,
they are forced off the road by a bunch of guys wearing sneakers. The
hitchhiker is killed (his eyes are ripped out) and Will escapes with
a black crystal that the hitchhiker had in his possession. The
hitchhiker mentioned a girl named Daphne who happens to live in the
same town as Will's brother Pete. The townspeople warn Will to stay
away from Daphne (Lily Brown), but he doesn't listen. Daphne is
a witch and the black crystal is a power source wanted by cult leader
Daniel (Mark Lang) that will channel all the evil energy of the
world. Will and Daphne fall in love and Daphne gets Will out of a
couple of scrapes with the locals by killing them with her powers.
When Pete dies after trying to run Daphne out of town, the cult
leader and his henchmen kidnap Will and Daphne. While Daphne takes
Daniel to the crystal Will escapes. The chase is on as we find out
that Daphne and Daniel were once lovers and they are immortals. Will
begins to wipe out the cult members one-by-one until only he and
Daniel are left. (As Will pumps bullets into Daniel's chest, he says:
"You are becoming a real pimple on my ass!") Who will
survive? Will Will and Daphne find true love? Who gives a flying
fuck? This is a lazily-filmed piece of junk that contains atrocious
acting, bad dialogue ("You filthy son of a whore!), a snail-like
pace (at 70 minutes, it seems twice as long), terrible effects and a
budget that would probably buy you breakfast at your local IHOP.
Avoid this one like the plague. It shouldn't be too hard, since no
one really has heard of this film before it was listed on the
Internet Movie Database! The end credits list the title as THE
BLACK TRIANGLE. Mike Conway also directed the equally obscure
films WAR OF THE PLANETS
(2002), THE AWAKENING (2005)
and EXILE (2008). Maybe they are
all obscure for a reason. A Raedon
Home Video Release (Have they released anything that was good?). Unrated,
but no worse than an R.
THE
BLACK ROOM (1981) - Brother
and sister Jason (Stephen Knight) and Bridgette (Cassandra Gaviola)
rent a candle-lit room in their palacial mansion for couples to have
sex and do drugs while Jason photographs them through a two-way
mirror. Unfortunately Jason has a rare blood disease that only
affects those of Mediterranian heritage and he needs fresh blood
transfusions in order to stay alive. They
end up killing most of the people who rent the "black room"
and drain them of their blood through an elaborate machine in their
basement. Married couple Larry (Jimmy Stathis) and Robin (Clara
Perryman) have an "open" marriage even though they have two
kids. Larry takes young women to the rented room and has sex with
them with Robin's somewhat reluctant permission. Most of Larry's
pick-ups end up as drained corpses which Jason and Bridgette bury in
crates in their backyard. Robin becomes curious and comes to the
mansion to see what Larry really does. Jason shows her through the
two-way mirror what he does and it affects Robin considerably. Robin
has sex with Jason and some other unknown men just to get back at
Larry. Just as it seems as their marriage is falling apart, Larry and
Robin must fight for their lives to stay alive so they do not become
the latest victims of the "black room". This is an OK
time-waster that has it's fair share of blood and nudity, even if one
scene is totally unbelievable: When one of their female victims
escapes (she's all pasty-faced by having most of her blood drained),
she is able to flag down a truck. But Jason and Bridgette talk the
driver out of taking her away! Director Elly Kenner (who has never
done anything before or since) and writer and co-director Norman
Thaddeus Vane (of MIDNIGHT
[1989] and TAXI DANCERS [1993]
infamy) do inject the proceedings with some erotica and some
cringe-inducing bloodletting scenes (including Bridgette's neck
stabbing by Robin in the finale). The ending also leaves it wide-open
for a sequel (and kind of blows everything which preceeds it moot)
which never materialized. Look out for cameos from a young
Christopher McDonald and Linnea Quigley as blood donors. Also
starring Charlie Young, Geanne Frank and Allisun Kale. A Vestron
Video Release. Rated R.
BLACK
ROSES (1988) - The 80's turned out
a bunch of turgid Rock 'N' Roll-themed horror movies and this is one
of the worst of them. You know you are in trouble when the hero is
the poetry teacher of the local high school! When the rock band Black
Roses turn up in a
small town to give a few concerts before hitting the big cities, the
local parents , including the Mayor (Ken Swofford of HUNTER'S
BLOOD), listen to a practice session to ease the tensions
that the band will cause trouble in the town. After the band gives a
pleasant-sounding concert and the parents leave, they then begin to
play heavy metal music which turns to kids into parent-killing
machines. Parents are shot, bludgeoned, sucked into speakers (a much
thinner Vincent Pastore, Big Pussy on THE
SOPRANOS,
in his first film role) and have their throats slashed. Poetry
teacher Matt (John Martin) must try to stop the band and the kids
(who turn into rubbery creatures) at their final concert (by setting
the building on fire!), where all the kids will be turned into Satan-loving
worshippers. Better-known for its' 3-D video box than for the film
itself, this relic from the rather-be-forgotten 80's decade of Hair
Metal is an endurance test for even the most ardent horror fan, as
the effects are pathetic, the monsters fake-looking and the acting
over-the-top. Director John Fasano, who a year earlier foisted ROCK
'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE
(with that star still waiting to be recognized, Jon Mikyl Thor) on an
unsuspecting public, does not improve his craft here as the music is
bad, the action listless and the ending a letdown. Stay away from
this unless you want to see a bunch of kids overreact at a rock
concert. White Snake would be proud. Also starring Julie Adams, Sal
Viviano, Carmine Appice and Carla Ferrigno. Fasano would later go on
to direct the first American-based Chinese hopping vampire movie, THE
JITTERS (1988), as well as writing (and sometimes directing
and producing) some made-for-TV films. An Imperial
Entertainment Corp. Release. Rated R. Other Rock-themed
80's horror films include TERROR
ON TOUR
(1980), ROCKTOBER BLOOD
(1984), BLOOD TRACKS
(1985) and HARD ROCK ZOMBIES (1985).
A
BLACK VEIL FOR LISA (1968) -
I really wanted to like this Italy/West Germany co-production since
it was directed by one of my favorite Italian directors and has a
top-notch cast, but the truth is that this quasi-Giallo plays more
like a shopworn B-level Hitchcockian thriller and the screenplay is
full of nothing but clichés. Still it's enjoyable for what it
is (just barely) thanks to the talented cast. The truth is this plays
more like a TV movie with added inserts of naked female breasts and
some foul language, but
if you just go along for the ride, you might find yourself enjoying it.
The film opens with the beautiful Lisa (Luciana Paluzzi; TRAGIC
CEREMONY - 1972) at a funeral, tears streaming down her eyes
as she watches someone being lowered in their newly-dug grave. Is
Lisa crying for this person or are her tears for another reason? The
film then switches over to someone dressed all in black (including
black hat and black gloves, a Giallo staple) following a man as he
walks out of a pub and then stabs him repeatedly in the back with a
switchblade, throwing the bloody knife and his gloves next to the
dead body. Shortly thereafter, Inspector Franz Bulon (John Mills; THE
"HUMAN" FACTOR - 1975), the head of the Narcotics
Division of Interpol, arrives at the crime scene and is disappointed
that this man is dead. It seems the Inspector was looking for this
man to be a witness against a drug kingpin named Schoulmann, who has
been supplying cocaine and heroin to this unnamed German town (it
looks like Berlin). As a matter of fact, this is the third witness
against the drug kingpin to be killed in the same manner and The
Inspector's boss, Chief Ostermeyer (Tullio Altamura; DANGER!
DEATH RAY - 1967), is pressuring him to solve these cases as
quickly as possible. When Franz says he has to make a phone call,
everyone in the squad knows it will be to his new, much younger wife,
Lisa. You see, Lisa was picked up in a bust and was found innocent of
being a drug mule, so a much older Franz fell in love and married
her. Yet, he is obsessed with her cheating on him, checking up on her
every hour of every day until it becomes a severe case of domestic
stalking. When he phones her at home and gets no answer, he leaves
the crime scene and drives off for home without telling anyone. When
he gets home, he finds Lisa in bed, asking her why she didn't answer
the phone. She tells him she was sleeping, but he doesn't believe her
since the phone is right next to her bed. We then see that Franz and
Lisa do not share the same bed, even though they are married, as he
walks into his own bedroom, pours himself a glass of J&B
Scotch and struggles with his belief that Lisa is cheating on
him. Lisa then appears at the door of his bedroom in a sexy negligee
and they then make love (We see quick flashes of female breasts that
are obviously not Ms. Paluzzi's and look to have been added in
post-production to make the film more "adult"). It seems
that Lisa enjoys making Franz believe that she is being unfaithful.
She may deny it, but her words and actions dictate otherwise.
After another witness against Schoulmann is murdered in the same
fashion, we discover that the black-clad killer is handsome Max Lindt
(Robert Hoffmann; SPASMO -
1974), who was hired by the drug kingpin to dispose all of the
potential witnesses. It seems Max dropped his lucky charm, a silver
dollar with a bullet in the middle of it, at the latest crime scene
and Franz has found it, put it in his pocket and has not told anyone
he has it. When Lisa tells Franz that she is going out to dinner with
a girlfriend, he goes to the restaurant to make sure she is telling
the truth, but she is not there. A woman working the front desk tells
Franz that someone looking like Lisa came into the restaurant and
sudenly left in a red Porsche. A furious Franz waits at home for Lisa
to arrive and tells her about seeing her leave in a red Porsche, but
she tells him it's her girlfriend's car and they decided to have
dinner at her girlfriend's house because the restaurant was too busy.
She tells Franz that since he doesn't trust her, that the next time
she will find a lover and screw him. Franz slaps her hard across the
face and Lisa runs to her bedroom crying. The next morning, Franz
asks one of his detectives to see if Lisa's girlfriend actually owns
a red Porsche. With the help of the lucky charm and his informer,
newspaper stand vendor Rabbit (Giuseppe Terrranova; TORSO
- 1973), who tells Franz that there is a lot of talk on the street
about "tulips", the Inspector captures Max and places him
handcuffed in his car (Rabbit is then run over by a truck and killed
[offscreen] for informing to the Inspector).
As Franz is driving Max to headquarters, he sees Lisa running down
the street and getting into a red Porsche. He follows her and then
stops his car after his mind gets the better of him (seeing Lisa
naked and making love to another man). He offers to let Max go free
if he will do one thing for him: kill Lisa and make it look like the
other murders he committed. What happens next is best for you, my
dear readers to discover, especially when Franz discovers that Lisa's
girlfriend actually owns a red Porsche and he tries to get Max to
call off the hit. He needn't worry about that because Max has fallen
in love with Lisa, they make love and he has no intention of killing
her, even though Schoulmann's goons beat
him up and tell him to stay away from Lisa. Needless to say, the film
ends where it began, with Lisa standing next to freshly dug grave at
a cemetery and crying. We then discover why and it's not much of a
surprise, at least to me.
While I normally love the films of director Massimo Dallamano (THE
SECRET OF DORIAN GRAY - 1970; WHAT
HAVE YOU DONE TO SOLANGE? - 1972; THE
NIGHT CHILD - 1975), this one left me kind of flat, as the
screenplay, by Dallamano, Giuseppe Belli (his only screenplay
credit), Vittoriano Petrilli (RUN,
PSYCHO, RUN - 1968) and Audrey Nohra (a music composer by
trade, supplying songs to the films DANGER:
DIABOLIK - 1968 and YEAR
OF THE CANNIBALS - 1970), is the result of too many cooks
spoiling the meal. The fact is there are very few surprises to be
found in the film, which is a cardinal sin in a mystery thriller such
as this. While watching this, all the future plot points were
telegraphed long before they happened and I wasn't wrong guessing
them one hundred percent of the time. Maybe I have watched too many
of these films, but this one offered nothing new to me, except for
the fine performances by John Mills, Luciana Paluzzi and, especially,
Robert Hoffmann, who has never been better than he is here. Hey, not
every film can be a winner, but since this came from Dallamano, it is
a bitter disappointment to me. It could have been so much better if
the screenplay was fine tuned a little more and the clichés
tossed aside, giving us a better mystery.
Shot as LA
MORTE NON HA SESSO ("Death Has No Sex") and also
known as SHOWDOWN,
this film obtained a U.S.
theatrical release from Commonwealth United and was an early
film to obtain an R-Rating (replacing the "M Rating"),
thanks to the quick flashes of naked breasts, which seemed to be an
afterthought. Edit them out and the film was a perfect candidate for
a PG Rating (back then known as the "GP Rating"). I could
find no VHS release in the United States, but it did appear on DVD
& Blu-ray from Olive Films
in 2015 (which now seems to be OOP). British outfit 88
Films released an extras-packed Blu-Ray
in 2019, but it is Region B locked. I caught a very nice widescreen
print on YouTube from channel "Giallo Realm", so if you
want to watch it, I would suggest you do it at your earliest
convenience because this channel often finds itself in YouTube Jail.
Also featuring Renate Kasche (Dallamano's DEVIL
IN THE FLESH - 1969), Carlo Hintermann (THE
EYES BEHIND THE STARS - 1977), Enzo Fiermonte (MANNAJA:
A MAN CALLED BLADE - 1977), Loris Baccocchi (SHOOT
FIRST, DIE LATER - 1974) and Jimmy Soffrano (LOADED
GUNS - 1975) as Schoulmann. Rated R.
THE
BLANCHEVILLE MONSTER (1963) -
Many Americans got their first taste of Italian horror courtesy of
their television sets. This film played constantly on TV during the
'60s & '70s and then disappeared. There was nothing like Italian
gothic horror and this black-and-white film is a good example of it
being done right, made to cash-in on the Roger Corman Edgar Allan Poe
films of the early-'60s, yet containing plenty of creepy, atmospheric
sequences, locations and situations.
Northern France 1884: Emilie De Blancheville ("Joan Hills"
a.k.a. Ombretta Colli; WAR
BETWEEN THE PLANETS - 1966) returns to her ancestral home (a
castle surrounded by barren woods) after years of self-imposed exile
(in other words, she went to college). When Emilie arrives at the
castle, she and her college friend Alice Taylor (Irán Eory; WEB
OF VIOLENCE - 1966), along with Alice's brother John
("Richard Davis" a.k.a. Vanni Materassi; THE
SISTER OF URSULA - 1978), who have made the trip with her,
meet new butler Alistair ("Frank Moran" a.k.a. Paco
Morán; PYRO - 1964), who
seems suspicious to the audience and to Emilie.
Once in the castle, John notices Emilie staring at a portrait of her
father and she tells him that the last time she was home, her father
was alive. She then meets her brother, Roderic (Gérard Tichy; PIECES
- 1982) and we learn that it is one week until Emilie's 21st birthday
(Roderic says to Emilie, "I still own you until then.").
While Alistair shows Alice and John to their rooms, Emilie collapses
into Roderic's arms, crying that she was never able to see their
father before he died. Roderic sent Emilie a telegram days after
their father died, but why?
Emilie sees an imposing woman at the top of the stairs and asks
Roderic who she is. He replies that she is Miss Eleonore (Helga
Liné; RINGS OF FEAR
- 1978), the new housekeeper. The old housekeeper, Dorothy, passed
away because she was old, or so Roderic says. Roderic has nothing but
nice things to say about Miss Eleonore, but the look on his face
tells us that there is much more to her going on other than
housekeeping. When Eleonore shows Emilie to her room, Roderic goes to
the piano and starts playing a tune that sounds like a funeral dirge.
Why is he so somber?
At dinner (at a very large table), Emily and Alice hear what sounds
like a dog howling. Their dinner is interrupted by Doctor LaRouche
(Leo Anchóriz; UP THE MACGREGORS
- 1967), Roderic's personal doctor. When Emilie asks her brother what
happened to the previous family doctor, Roderic tells her that he got
old and died (This castle doesn't treat the elderly very well, does
it?). When everyone exits the dining room, the doctor hands Eleonore
something and she tells him he has to honor his commitment. what commitment?
That night, Alice hears someone moaning and she goes to the tower to
investigate, finding Alice holding a hypodermic needle and about to
inject a man with burned skin, with blood on his hands. Alice passes
out and falls into Roderic's arms. When she wakes up, she tells
Roderic what she saw, but Roderic tells her she must have had a
nightmare. she leads him to the tower, but the room is now empty.
Roderic starts a romantic relationship with Alice, telling her that
her brother is beneath Emilie (John is in love with Emilie), because
"noble blood" flows through her veins. Roderic tells Doctor
LaRouche that he is going to tell Emilie and Alice
"everything" and walks upstairs and says, "Emilie, you
must prepare yourself for something unpleasant." He goes on to
say that their father is not dead and apologises to alice for
deceiving her last night. Their father became horribly disfigured in
a fire at the castle's abby. The man Alice saw with Eleonore
was their father and Roderic tells Emilie that he has escaped and
fled into the
woods. He is dangerous and wants to kill Emilie. "Carved on a
headstone in the family tomb there is an old prophecy that only a
warped and distorted mind can believe in", says Roderic. He
continues, "It says that the House of De Blancheville will end
with this generation if a female descendent reaches the age of 21.
Father will do anything to carry out this prophecy and that's why he
wants to kill you Emilie!" Roderic assures Emilie that he will
watch over her and not to worry, but it is plain to see that she is
in danger. That night, her father comes into Emilie's bedroom and
hypnotizes her. She sleepwalks in a trance to the abby, with her
disfigured father following her. "Your tomb, Emilie, your tomb!
Enter to your death!" says her father, but Roderic and Doctor
LaRouche save her in the nick of time. Is this disfigured man
actually her father or is something more sinister going on?
This black-and white film, directed by "Martin Herbert"
(real name: Alberto De Martino; MEDUSA
VS. THE SON OF HERCULES - 1963; THE
TEMPTER - 1974; BLOOD
LINK - 1983; FORMULA FOR A MURDER
- 1985) and written by "Gordon Wilson Jr." (Bruno Corbucci; THE
COP IN BLUE JEANS - 1976) & "Jean Grimaud"
(Giovanni Grimaldi; CASTLE
OF BLOOD - 1964), based on Poe's "The Fall of the House
of Usher" and "The Premature Burial", is steeped in
atmosphere and contains some great location set-pieces and some
unusual camera work (such as the dream Emilie has when Miss Eleonore
drugs her). The film gives the viewer many clues as to what is
actually going on, some easy and some sly (like Alice finding a book
on hypnotism in Doctor LaRouche's medical bag). Gothic horror like
this only really works in black-and-white (unless you are Mario
Bava), as the shadows hold secrets that color cannot convey.
This Italy/Spain co-production, filmed under the simple title HORROR,
fell into the Public Domain a long time ago and can be found on many
DVD compilations, such as the CHILLING
CLASSICS 50 MOVIE PACK. My review is based on the
stand-alone fullscreen DVD from Alpha Video.
The print is soft, but better looking than those on compressed DVDs.
It reminded me of watching it on TV in the '60s with a roof antenna,
before cable became commonplace. It is also available in widescreen
from Bayview/Retromedia Entertainment.
This is a nice throwback to when films like this were shown on TV on
a regular basis. Unfortunately, we will never see those days again.
I'm going to do my best in reviewing many of those films that still
haunt me from my childhood. Also starring Emily Wolkowicz (WHAT
HAVE YOU DONE TO SOLANGE? - 1972) and Harry Winter. Not Rated,
but nothing objectionable. Just good, creepy entertainment.
BLOOD FRENZY (1987) - This slasher film in the mold of FRIDAY THE 13TH has two things going for it: A scary jack-in-the-box rendition of "Pop Goes The Weasel" on the soundtrack and a blood and gore-drenched finale. The films' slight and ridiculous story line involves a female psychiatrist driving a handful of her patients to the middle of the California desert for a group "confrontational" therapy session. All the patients have a certain stereotypical problem (disturbed Vietnam vet, nymphomaniac, lesbian, alcoholic, etc..). An unknown assailant starts to dispatch the patients to the tune of "Pop" in various bloody ways. Sliced throats are a specialty. Nothing new in that department, right? The acting ranges from good to sub-par and the scenery gets tedious after a while. The film is fairly bloody throughout and it really begins to flow in the last 10 minutes, even if deja vu sets in after the first 10 minutes. Directed by Hal Freeman (a porn director by trade [the CAUGHT FROM BEHIND series] who was once prosecuted in 1988 for "pandering" and won!) and starring Wendy McDonald, Tony Montero, Lisa (the original "Wednesday Addams") Loring and Hank Garrett. Photographed by future PM Entertainment action specialist Richard Pepin (CYBER-TRACKER - 1994). A Hollywood Family Entertainment Video Release (What "Hollywood Family" was BLOOD FRENZY made for, the Lohans?). Unrated.
BLOOD
GNOME (2003) - I liked this
micro-budgeted horror film because it tries to be different. It is
just as interested in the Bondage Sadomasochistic (BDSM) lifestyle as
it is in horror. A troubled Crime Scene Photographer named Daniel
(Vincent Bilancio, also a Producer) spots a very small hand print at
a murder scene involving a BDSM couple ripped apart with body pieces
missing. His assistant
accidentally has his Sony Handycam set in nightvision mode and
Daniel spots a small creature (who is invisible to the naked eye) in
the viewing screen. Of, course no one believes him so he goes to a
bondage mistress Divinity (Mellissa Pursley) to help him understand
the BDSM lifestyle. This leads both of them to a bondage queen
Elandra (Ri Walton), who keeps a mother gnome in a box, whom she
feeds the missing body parts to. The mother gnome then gives birth to
baby gnomes who Elandra sticks with hypodermics and extracts a
hallucinogenic drug which she sells for big profits. Sensing that
Daniel is getting too close, Elantra sends her invisible gnomes to
kill him. Daniel bites one of the gnomes and tastes their blood,
thereby giving him the ability to see them. More murders of BDSM
couples ensue and Elantra manages to get her gnomes to implicate
Daniel in the murders. Daniel and Divinity must stop Elantra at a big
BDSM party, where Elantra plans on killing everyone and feeding them
to the mother gnome. The effects by Todd Rex range from laughable to
excellent and the screenplay by director John Lechago keeps the
viewer on their toes. The bloody body-ripping effects are very
well-done as the invisible gnomes (who are mostly seen as a blur)
slice and dice the tied-up victims. Bilancio (CAMP
BLOOD - 1999; DEADLY SCAVENGERS
- 2001) is very good as the exhausted photographer (with a
whacked-out back story) and scream queen Julie Strain and the
Porcelain Twinz (?) put in cameos at the final party slaughter. The
gnomes themselves are just a cut above the GHOULIES
(1985), but it doesn't distract the viewer from having a bloody good
time. Also starring Laurie Jameson, Charles Mosby and Scott
Evangelista. More small-budgeted films should take chances like this.
It might make the whole low-budget filmmaking culture that much more
interesting. A Screen Media Films Release. Rated R.
BLOODLUST
ZOMBIES (2011) - It seems
that everytime someone decides to direct their first feature, it
turns out to be a horror film. And for the past decade, most freshman
directors decide to make those horror films depicting zombies; a good
percentage of the films dealing with a bunch of infected people
killing the unaffected in a locked-down facility, not for the sake of
the story, but to keep costs down (the fewer the locations, the
cheaper and faster you can shoot it). That describes BLOODLUST
ZOMBIES to a tee, with the only different thing about it
being that it stars bubble-butted porn actress Alexis Texas (who has
made an amazing 329 porn films between 2007 and 2014 and made her
share of TV
and Film porn "parodies", a term the porn business
uses so the major studios can't sue them for copyright infringement).
Let me say this about Alexis Texas: as an actress, she makes a fine
naked female. In other words, she has no future in non-porn films
unless she starts taking acting lessons (Fred Olen Ray used her once
in BIKINI FRANKENSTEIN
[2009] and hasn't worked with her since. Now that should tell you
something.). The film starts with two lab rats performing experiments
on cats with a new serum called "BZ32". After giving the
cats shots of BZ32, one cat kills another. Their experiment turns
into a success, so at a late-night board meeting, president and
CEO Bobby Lee (Robert Heath) asks co-workers Judy Miller (Janice
Marie), Darren (Adam Danoff, this film's Co-Producer and Editor),
Catherine (Catherine White) and Executive Assistant Andrea (Alexis
Texas) to stay late so they can Skype the good news to their sister
company in another time zone. BZ32 is a hit. Well, it's a hit if you
take into consideration that it causes humans to become zombified
fighting machines (Bobby Lee plans on using this new serum/virus on
enemy soldiers so that they will kill each other [There are so many
holes in that logic to drive a train through. The first one being:
Who are the zombies going to chow-down on next when they eat all
their fellow soldiers? Wouldn't they go after us?]). We then see
Andrea and Bobby Lee playing "hiding the sausage" (I guess
when you can't act, you do what you know best), while Catherine is
bringing champagne to the two lab rats for a job well done. One of
the workers drops a test tube in the lab, but he says that it wasn't
one containing the BZ32 virus, yet the entire building goes into
lockdown just in case the threat is real. Catherine is attacked by
one of the infected cats and she, in turn, attacks the two lab
workers, turning them into the titled creatures. You guessed it: The
unaffected employees must now run and hide from the zombies (It is
impossible to leave or get into the building [Another huge hole in
the plot. Wouldn't some outside agency like the CDC be notified if
something like this happened? Or at least the local Police
Department?]). The zombies bite everyone they come into contact with
(We can imagine the special effects technician, just offscreen,
pushing the rubber bulb containing the fake blood and it comes out in
perfect streams. It seems every bite results in the same effect.),
while everyone else does the most idiotic things at the most
inopportune times. This is supposed to be a funny horror film, but
their idea of "funny" is Darren imagining all the women in
various states of undress when they ask him what he is thinking.
There is not an original thought in this film's tiny little brain
(they rip off "The Girl From Ipanema" elevator scene
from DEEP RISING [1998] for
Christ's sake!). Darren even takes a camera photo of his penis to
prove to "Libby The Temp" (Lauren Todd) that he is not a
zombie, as they shoot guns at each other from a distance of about ten
feet (a joke badly ripped-off from THE
NAKED GUN - 1988). Alexis Texas proves to us that her
greatest assets are her bubble butt and her breasts, as her acting
reeks so bad, you can smell it coming out of your disc player. And
why do directors and producers always think that they can act in the
films they are making?
Director/screenwriter/cinematographer/co-producer Dan Lantz (whose
only other directorial effort is the gay-themed thriller INTO
THE LION'S DEN - 2011) portrays a security guard that likes
talking to himself and keeps a closet full of automatic weapons. I
really can't decide which is worse: His direction or acting (In the
DVD's blooper reel, Lantz tells us that he isn't even in the film, so
either he has a short memory or is just trying to make us forget his
bad acting). And co-producer/editor Adam Danoff, who supplies most of
the film's "comedy", is just simply terrible and unfunny.
The basic truth is that while there is plenty of violence, such as
ears getting bitten off, skin being bitten and pulled like string
cheese, gunshots to the head and axe attacks, Lantz and Danoff's
screenplay is juvenile at best and misogynistic at worst (I guess
when you have a porn "actress" starring in your film, you
must think you can get away with a lot more jokes at the expense of
women). There really is not one thing to recommend in this film, not
even Alexis Texas' nudity. If you want to see her nude and do much
more, rent one of her TV and movie porn parodies. I guarantee you
will be a lot more entertained than watching this poor excuse of a
film. I have bits of things in my stool that are more entertaining
than this. Also starring Sarah Dewey, Robb Stech, Justus White, Jim
Bagwell, Jerry Cartier, Kevin Chick and a whole bunch of other people
you never heard of. Filmed in Paoli, Pennsylvania. Remind me never to
visit there. A Vicious Circle Films DVD Release. Not Rated.
BLOOD
SALVAGE (1989) - I remember
first watching this Georgia-lensed film when it was released on VHS
in the early 90's and being somewhat impressed with it. Today, I
wondered why it was never released on disc in the United States.
Thanks to Amazon Prime, I now know. It's awful. This horror/comedy is
about a southern hick named Jake (Danny Nelson; the
insufferable CAPTURED ALIVE -
1995) who runs an illegal human organ black market. Jake has his son,
Hiram ( Christian Hesler) run people off the road with his Gran
Torino with a spiked front bumper (and the horn beeps
"Dixie") and then Jake comes along with his tow truck and
tows them to his home, where he "gasses" them by putting a
rag over their mouth and nose, puts them in a barn full of his
earlier victims (including Elvis!) and removes their organs while
keeping them alive for future organ orders. His latest victims are
the Evans family. April Evans (Lori Birdsong; MUNCHIES
- 1987) is participating in The Stonewall County Peach Festival
beauty contest, even though she is confined to a wheelchair due to a
"virus" in her spine (she plays a classical tune on a piano
while noticing Jake leering and drooling at the sight of her). Jake
takes an instant shine to her (he thinks he can "fix" her)
and has Hiram mess with the Evans' RV. Dad Clifford Evans (John
Saxon, who looks
embarrassed to be in this) tries to console April when she loses the
pageant, but as they are driving down the road, the front wheel of
the RV falls off and they skid off to the side of the road (Young son
Bobby [Andy Greenway] says, "Cool! We just got into an
accident!"). Along comes Jake and his tow truck and he takes the
RV and the entire Evans family, including mother Pat (Laura Whyte; SCALPEL
- 1977), back to his house, but April warns her father not to go
because she doesn't trust Jake. Clifford should have listened,
because when they get to Jakes house, Bobby goes exploring and thinks
a live alligator that Jake keeps on the property is a dog! Bobby is
soon gassed and put in the barn. Soon Dad And Mom turn out to be
victims, but April stays in the RV armed with a shotgun. When she
runs out of shotgun shells, Jake takes her to the bedroom of his dead
wife, taking her wheelchair away. Jake's retarded son, the fat and
hulking Roy (Ralph Pruitt Vaughn, who walks around with a headless
talking doll that says "I love you"!), takes an instant
shine to April, but Jake warns him to keep away from April because
she is his. We see Jake take a long hypodermic needle to Bobby's back
and drain him of spinal fluid. Jake uses it to make his own special
serum, "gasses" April and injects it into her back. Yep,
April can now walk. We then see Mr. Stone (the late Ray Walston; MY
FAVORITE MARTIAN - 1963-1966, who looks equally embarrassed)
follow Jake into the barn and looks at Clifford's body. Mr Stone buys
human organs for the black market and wants Clifford's kidneys as
well as mom Pat's eyes. Jake makes a deal with him and Mr. Stone
leaves and says he will return in a couple of days to collect the
organs, but complains about the alligator walking freely on the
property. April tries unsuccessfully a couple of times to escape from
her room, so an agitated Jake puts her in his room. (It has a metal
door that can't be unhinged or unlocked without the key. We also
learn that he keeps the rotting corpse of his wife in his bed!).
April tempts Roy to come into the room so she can read a child's book
to him and he enters; April hits him over the head with a heavy
object and kills him. Jake discovers his body when April escapes (she
kills the alligator by leading it into the back end of a garbage
truck and crushing it to death, but there are plenty of alligator
eggs hatching in an abandoned car, as April discovers when she tries
to hide). Jake has had it with April's behavior and decides to use
her as an organ donor. As he is about to put a scalpel to her back,
April picks up an oil lamp and throws it onto Jake, setting him on
fire. She finds her mother, who has had her eyes removed and they
take off in the RV that Jake fixed. Hiram is now pissed-off and tries
to run them off the road with his Torino, but April leads him to a
logging truck stopped on the road and Jake crashes into the truck, a
log taking his head off and the car exploding. As mom dies in the
back of the RV, we see that a severly-burned Jake has been hiding in
the RV and he heads towards a driving April. She slams on the brakes
and Jake goes flying through the front window (By the looks of it,
there is no such thing as safety glass on RVs!). April runs over his
body with the RV and continues on her way. The film ends with a not
quite dead Roy, picking up Jake's crushed body and driving off in the
tow truck, Hiram's Torino on the hook. Roy thinks he can fix both of
them. Horrendously acted by nearly everyone in the cast
(especially Birdsong as April, who screams out most of her lines),
this film was partially financed by boxer Evander Holyfield (probably
for tax shelter purposes), who gets an Executive Producer credit and
makes a cameo as a boxer at a carnival, where the barker (boxing
trainer great Lou Duva) challenge anyone in the audience to knock out
a blindfolded Holyfield, so Hiram decides to try, only to get his
lights knocked out. While the acting is abysmal, even more disgusting
is the tone of the film, such as when the ultra-religious Jake wants
to make April his bride and Hiram threatens to rape her several
times. Director/co-screenwriter Tucker Johnston never directed
another film again, but he did co-author the screenplay to director
Gregory Dark's SECRET GAMES 3
(1994), his only other credit. Producer/Co-Screenwriter Ken Sanders
found success producing movies for Lifetime, such as PSYCHO
IN-LAW (2017). So many good opportunities are missed in this
film (such as putting some light on the inside of the barn so we
could get a good look at the organ donors; one who even looks like
Yoko Ono!) and it is not as gory as it sounds. Both John Saxon and
Ray Walston must have owed someone a big favor because they do not
belong in such an unprofessional film as this. Some critic compared
this to THE TEXAS CHAIN
SAW MASSACRE (1974) and, while its influence permeates this
film (also known as MAD JAKE),
the critic must have been viewing a different film than what I saw.
This film couldn't lick TCM's meathooks. The boom mike makes a
lot of appearances in this film, especially the scenes filmed in
Jake's house, but that is probably because it is an unmatted
Fullscreen print. If it were OAR, I am sure the mike would be no
where to be seen. And to think I liked this film based on the first
time I viewed it. Well, I am much older and wiser and can tell a
stinker when I see it. This one reeks like a human liver left out in
the blazing sun. A Magnum
Entertainment VHS Release. Still no DVD or Blu-Ray release in
the U.S., but you can buy a German
DVD if you have a multi-region player and speak German. Rated R.
TRIVIA: Both John Saxon and Ralph Pruitt Vaughn appeared in director
Antonio Margheriti's CANNIBAL
APOCALYPSE (1980).
BLOODY
PIT OF HORROR (1965) -
Continuing with my reviews of childhood films that fell into the
Public Domain (PD) comes this modern (at least in 1965) gothic horror
film with a maniacal performance by Mickey Hargitay (LADY
FRANKENSTEIN - 1971; DELIRIUM
- 1972) and some risque (at least in 1965) shots of partially-clothed
women. "My vengeance needs blood!" - Marquis De
Sade. So begins the film.
In medieval times, the Crimson Executioner is sentenced to death for
torturing and killing countless victims of his wrath. He is put
in an Iron Maiden (No, not the heavy
metal band!), where the sharp spikes inside impale his body. The
device is then sealed with symbol that will damn his soul for all
eternity and it is put in his castle as a reminder to everyone of his
reign of evil. We are then in the present (at least in 1965), where
the "Cover Girls", beautiful models all, are planning on
doing a photo shoot in the Crimson Executioner's castle. The models,
along with chaperone Rick (Walter Brandi; THE
VAMPIRE AND THE BALLERINA - 1960), photographer Dermott
(Ralph Zucker; Producer of KONG
ISLAND - 1969 and THE
DEVIL'S WEDDING NIGHT - 1973), agent Daniel Parks (Alfredo
Rizzo; SS HELL CAMP
- 1977), "red shirts" Perry (Nando Angelini; NAKED
YOU DIE - 1968) and Raoul (Albert Gordon), try to get in the
castle only to discover it is locked (they believe the castle is
empty). Perry climbs through a window and lets them in, where Cover
Girl Edith (Louise Barrett: SUPERARGO
AND THE FACELESS GIANTS - 1968) tells everyone that she
senses evil in the castle.
That evil is Travis Anderson (Hargitay), who doesn't take too kindly
strangers invading his privacy. He tells Rick that they must all
leave immediately, but when he gets a look at Edith, he changes his
mind and tells them that they can stay for the night. Dermott takes
advantage of the situation and has the girls get changed for a photo
shoot. Perry and Raoul decide to tour the castle on their own and end
up in the castle's dungeon, where Perry trips, making an ancient Axe
fall off a wall, breaking the seal on the Iron Maiden (Uh oh!!!).
Dermott begins the photo shoot, where the Cover Girls pose in skimpy
clothing using the dungeon's torture devices as props (each shot
looks like a crime scene photo!). Suddenly, a spiked booby trap in
the dungeon falls on Perry's chest, killing him. The girls want to
quit and go home, but Daniel triples their salary and they continue
the photo shoot. Raoul and Suzy (Barbara Nelli; THE
VENGEANCE OF LADY MORGAN - 1965) are making out in the
dungeon when they are attacked by the Crimson Executioner (Hargitay
again), their fates not yet known. Like all castles, this one has
secret passageways and spy holes, where Travis watches the girls
getting undressed, vowing that he will get even with them for
invading his privacy. Rick and Dermott check out the dungeon and when
they open the Iron Maiden, Suzy's dead body falls to the ground. We
then find out that Edith was once engaged to Travis, who was a
muscleman actor in Italian peplum films (talk about art imitating
life!), he had a nervous breakdown and disappeared. This is the first
time Suzy has seen him in years. Why the hell didn't she tell anyone
else when she first saw him??? We then see that model Kinojo (Moa
Tahi; WILD, WILD PLANET
- 1966) is caught in a deadly booby trap that looks like a giant
spider web. If she, or anyone else, touches the web's ropes, Kinojo
will be shot with innumerable arrows. Rick shimmies under the web,
playing a game that looks like a spy breaking into a bank vault
protected by infrared beams, and saves Kinojo, only to discover that
everyone is trapped in the castle. Yes, Travis is quite mad, dressing
as the Crimson Executioner and dispatching the cast one-by-one, using
the dungeon's torture devices. In his twisted mind, he thinks this is
just another acting gig, only he takes his performance too far. Edith
calls him an "egoist", which pushes him over the edge,
stepping up his torture and killing of both men and women (he doesn't
discriminate). Nancy (Rita Klein) and Annie (Femi Benussi; THE
KILLER MUST KILL AGAIN - 1973) are tied to a rotating
torture device, sharp swords getting closer to slicing-up their
bodies on every rotation. Rick is tied to a dead Raoul and placed on
a canopy bed, where the top of the canopy, which contains deadly
spikes, inches closer to his body. The women are also stretched on
the rack and tortured on a curious device that drips
cold water on the victim's exposed back. Will Anyone survive? Will
Travis go back to acting in peplum flicks? (He better hurry up
because, in 1965, they went out of favor with audiences!). Will the
Crimson Executioner ever wear yellow?
Yes, I am having some fun at this film's expense, but that is
because I never get tired of watching it. Director Massimo Pupillo
(credited as "Max Hunter"; TERROR
CREATURES FROM THE GRAVE - 1965) and screenwriters
"Robert McLoren" (Romano Migliorini; NIGHT
OF THE DEVILS - 1972) & "Robert Christmas"
(Roberto Natale; WATCH ME
WHEN I KILL - 1977) have crafted a very colorful film that
makes absolutely no sense. That's its charm, as we never see the
Crimson Executioner capture anyone, they are just being tortured
while Hargitay laughs like a madman. Why waste time showing how they
got there? Hargitay goes off the rails here. He is normally a stiff
and wooden actor, but he seems to relish the role of the Crimson
Executioner. Some of the deaths are quite explicit for 1965,
especially Nancy getting shot with an arrow in her cleavage and Annie
getting sliced in both breasts by the rotating device. There is also
an unpleasant death in a metal cage that hangs above a raging fire.
Shot as IL
BOIA SCARLATTO ("The Scarlet Executioner"), this
film played in U.S. theaters for nearly two decades as a double
feature, first as the top-billed feature with TERROR
CREATURES FROM THE GRAVE in the '60s and then as the
bottom-billed feature, with (GOKE)
BODY SNATCHER FROM HELL (1968), in the '70s. Then it fell
into the Public Domain, where it had many budget VHS releases.
Something Weird Video/Image Entertainment released a nice widescreen
DVD early in the New Millennium and it also showed up on many
multi-film DVD compilations. My review is based on one such
compilation, Midnight
Movie Madness 50 Movie Collection, by Mill
Creek Entertainment. It was a real surprise because, even though
they cram five films on one DVD, the print is in widescreen and looks
surprisingly sharp. I don't know how they did it because it looks
great, as I was expecting a crappy fullscreen print, something these
Mill Creek sets are known for. It definitely bumped-up my enjoyment
of the film. A rare win for Mill Creek. Also available as part of Alpha
Video's GRINDHOUSE
SHOCK SHOW 5 Movie DVD Box Set. Also starring Gino Turini (ACHTUNG!
THE DESERT TIGERS - 1977) and Roberto Messina (THE
COP IN BLUE JEANS - 1976) as Travis' henchmen. Rated PG.
BODYCOUNT
(1986) -
Director Ruggero Deodato and screenwriter Dardano Sachetti (as
"David Parker Jr.") tread FRIDAY
THE 13TH
territory pretty well in this mostly unseen slasherama.
A group of obnoxious teenagers decide to spend a weekend in a
long-shut camping site, where 15 years earlier a series of grisly
murders took place. The locals attributed the murders to an old
Indian shaman, the legend of the forest. Before you can say
"How!", the teenagers are being dispatched in various
excessive gory ways. Could it be the Indian shaman doing the dirty
deeds or could it be the owner of the campsite (David Hess), his wife
(Mimsy Farmer), the town sheriff (Charles Napier) who is having an
affair with Farmer, the town doctor (John Steiner), Deputy Sheriff
Ted (Ivan Rassimov) or Hess' son (Nicola Farron, who looks like a
young Clark Kent) who has just returned from a stint in the Army?
It's not hard to figure out who the culprit is, but the gory killings
(there are plenty), good music score (by Claudio Simonetti) and a
surprise ending will more than make up for it. Originally titled CAMPING
DEL TERRORE
and also known as SHAMAN.
Also starring Bruce Penhall, Luisa Maneri, Andrew Lederer and
Valentina Forte. Midnight Video
offers a pristine print in all its' Unrated
glory. BODYCOUNT
is also available streaming on Amazon Prime and airs in regular
rotation on the Roku streaming channel B-Movie TV. This one is worth
your time and money.
BOG
CREATURES (2002) - Let me warn
you right from the start: This is not a film for those that are
easily susceptible to falling asleep at the drop of a dime. If you
are, you'll be snoring after the first 5 minutes. This shot-in-New
York low budget feature can kindly be
called boring tripe or I can go all-out and call it a piece of
celluloid shit. You can make the call. The basic premise is this: A
group of really annoying, no-talent teens go on an archeological dig
to recover the Bog People (the film's original title), a midieval
tribe of Danish Berserkers buried in a swamp. Before you can say
"I wonder how many of the teens are going to be killed?",
most of them are dispatched by the reanimated bog-thingies. If you
come into this film looking for some bloody killings and plenty of
nudity, be forewarned: Despite the film's R-rating, there's very
little nudity (fleeting glimpses of nubians' breasts in the first 5
minutes of the film) and absolutely no extreme violence at all. This
film could have easily been rated PG if the nudity (about 2 seconds
worth) was cut out. All the actors are extremely bad, even the only
"name" actor, Debbie Rochon (REGENERATED
MAN - 1994, and nearly 100 other Z-grade films since 1988!).
Director J. Christian Ingvordsen (HANGMEN
- 1988 [a very early film for Sandra Bullock, even though her role is
very small but played-up very big on the DVD covers]; THE
OUTFIT - 1990; AIRBOSS
- 1997; which spawned three inferior sequels,
all directed by Ingvordsen and starring Frank Zagarino) drops the
ball on nearly every tense moment this film has to offer, as the
camera tends to dwell on the wrong part of the action. As a matter of
fact, the behind-the-scenes documentary on the DVD is more enjoyable
than the film itself. What does that tell you? If I had anything good
to say about this film, it would be that the Bog People are a nice
creation. Too bad they're in such a crappy film. You'll be smelling
peat long before this film is over. Also starring Courtney Henggeler,
Jeffrey Howard, Michael Mosley, Joshua Park, Jesse Steccato, Leis
Thompson and Tara Theodos. You can see them all starring in their
next feature: The Unemployment Line. An MTI
Home Video/Bedford Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.
THE
CABIN IN THE WOODS (2009/2011)
- I really wanted to write a long review for this film, lensed
in 2009, but not released until 2011 (co-star Chris Hemsworth filmed
this right before the disasterous RED DAWN
remake), but if I did, I would be ruining one of the best horror
films released in 2011. You may think that this is going to be an EVIL
DEAD-like flick, but you'd be so wrong because there is so
much more going on. There are so many references to other horror and
fantasy films (you'll have to watch it twice or
more to spot them all, especially during the last twenty minute
"purge" [you will be cringing every time the elevator light
comes on], but I am saying too much) and an unexpected cameo during
the final five minutes, that you'll be standing up in your living
room wiping your eyes in satisfaction. I really want to say more (I
really, really do), but I would spoil one of the most original horror
films in the last thirty years (The CUBE-like
elevator ride is worth the price of admission alone). Props to
director/co-writer Drew Goddard (co-screenwriter of WORLD
WAR Z - 2013) and co-writer/producer/second unit director
Joss Whedon (director of 2012's best superhero film, THE
AVENGERS) for supplying 96 minutes of unguessable horror
bloodshed (really, you never know what direction this film is going
to take and the stoner of the group, Marty [Fran Kranz], and his
collapsible thermal coffee mug/bong, turns out to be a hero!). Lots
of laugh-out-loud humor (the phone call that Bradley Whitford puts on
loudspeaker from grizzled old tobacco-spitting gas station owner
Mordecai [Tim De Zarn] was one of the funniest things I have ever
witnessed; freeze frame the DVD/Blu-Ray when the betting board is on
view for some valuable funny info [you'll know the scene when you see
it]; the way the Japanese schoolgirls defeat the child ghost is a
hoot) and good old-fashioned blood-soaked gore (it flows like a
river, although there is plenty of excellent CGI, especially during
the finale). The reason for the delay to release this film was
because the studio wanted to convert it to 3-D, but level heads
prevailed. This originally played theatrically, where it more than
recouped its 30 million dollar budget. Don't expect a sequel for this
film because it doesn't leave room for one. My highest
recommendation. Oh, and one other thing: Beware of the Merman!!! Also
starring Richard Jenkins (WHITE
HOUSE DOWN - 2013), Kristen Connolly, Anna Hutchison, Jesse
Williams, Brian White and Amy Acker. A Lionsgate
Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.
THE
CALLER (1987) - This is a fascinating
two character thriller with one hell of a twist ending. When stranger
Malcolm McDowell
knocks on Madolyn Smith's cabin door located deep in the woods and
tells her that his car has broken down, a cat-and-mouse game of
questions and answers follows and we don't know who is the good guy
and who is the bad guy. Did Madolyn kill her husband and daughter or
is Malcolm a serial killer, cop or something else? Every time Madolyn
catches Malcolm in a lie he says, "Point to you." This
means something only Madolyn understands. It gets creepier and
creepier as we want to know just what Madolyn is keeping in the hat
box and why we don't see any other human beings throughout the whole
film. Needless to say, the film surprises often and, while it feels
like a filmed stage play, it's never boring and the ending really
hits you hard in the gut. This is one of Malcolm McDowell's best film
roles of the 80's as he gets the chance to actually act because the
film is mainly nothing but dialogue. Madolyn Smith (FINAL
APPROACH - 1991) also holds up her end real well acting
scared and defiant, sometimes at the same time. Believe it or not,
director Arthur Allan Seidelman's first directorial effort was also
Arnold Schwarzenegger's first film: the truly awful HERCULES
IN NEW YORK (1970). They've both come a long way since then.
Give this seldom-seen film (Executive Produced by Charles Band during
his Empire Pictures days), lensed in Rome, Italy a try and I'll
guarantee that you will be entertained and shocked. A Trans
World Entertainment Home Video Release. Rated R.
CAPTAIN AMERICA (1990) - Truly wretched adaption of the comic book classic. Matt Salinger stars as the title character, battling his evil nemesis, the Red Skull (Scott Paulin). This movie is an editor's nightmare as it looks like many cuts were made to secure a PG-13 rating. Disjointed and hard to follow (How many films were taken out of Pyun's hands at the editing stage? I'm willing to bet it's the majority of his vast output. The man just never learned how to connect scenes in a cohesive fashion.). Director Albert Pyun (who showed promise with his first film THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER in 1982) once again demonstrates he doesn't understand the action genre. If you don't believe me try viewing any of his latter films, including DOWN TWISTED (1987), ALIEN FROM L.A. (1988), CYBORG (1989), DOLLMAN (1991) and OMEGA DOOM (1995).
CAPTURED
ALIVE (1995) -
ANSWER: C.T. McIntyre. QUESTION: Who is the loser responsible for
directing, producing,
writing and editing this piece of grade Z trash? A small planeload
of obnoxious (and untalented) people are shot down over the West
Virginia wilderness by a family of hillbillies using a Civil War
cannon (Talk about a near-impossible shot! What did they use, a
"smart" cannonball?). The passengers are taken prisoner and
are forced to work in a mine disposing of toxic waste that is trucked
there from a nearby chemical plant. The captives try several times to
escape and fail miserably due to the stupidity of the script. Every
time a hillbilly is knocked-out or killed, the captives never once
take the weapon, resulting in endless scenes of people running around
the woods. Pat Morita (!) reaches a new career low (far surpassing
his terrible performance opposite an even worse Jay Leno in COLLISION
COURSE
- 1986) as a plane mechanic who must put up with countless Jap and
Tojo jokes (can you imagine in this day and age if the mechanic was
Black and had to put up with nigger and coon jokes from his fellow
employees?) while searching for his downed pilot friend (Dan Pinto).
Amateurish on every level (it was photographed by Bill Hinzman of REVENGE
OF THE LIVING ZOMBIES
- 1988) and deadly boring. I had more fun plucking my nose and ass
hairs than watching this shitfest. Films like this dont get
made, they escape. I really suffer for my art so you dont have
to. Also starring Dawn Lambing, John Mouganis and Danny Nelson (BLOOD
SALVAGE - 1989). An Arrow Video Inc. Release. Rated
R.
THE CARRIER (1987) - This low-budget AIDS parable is quite good and packs a powerful punch. An outcast (Gregory Fortescue), who is unjustly accused of killing his parents, is attacked by a bigfoot-like creature who transfers a contagious disease into his body. The poor boy becomes a carrier of this strange disease which is transmitted by his touch. Any object this boy touches means certain death to any person who holds it, as it dissolves flesh and bone. Soon the entire population of this small town are wrapping themselves in plastic and marking all the contaminated objects with red cloth (sound familiar?). Much more happens in this literate, well-written, film and I will not spoil it for you. Also starring Stevie Lee (a terrible actress and the worst thing about this film), Steve Dixon and Patrick Butler. Directed and written with style by Nathan J. White. This is no ordinary horror film. On VHS from Magnum Entertainment. Also available on DVD from Code Red. Rated R.
THE
CASE IS CLOSED, FORGET IT (1972) -
I am a big fan of director Damiano Damiani, but I suddenly realized
that I haven't reviewed a single film of his. Films such as THE
WITCH (1966), A
BULLET FOR THE GENERAL (1967), HOW
TO KILL A JUDGE (1974), AMITYVILLE
II: THE POSSESSION (1982), THE
PIZZA CONNECTION (1984) and, especially, CONFESSIONS
OF A POLICE CAPTAIN (1971) are but a small representation of
his impressive output, yet I haven't touched them with my keyboard.
It must have something to do with my subconscience stopping me from
reviewing excellent films because I fear I couldn't do them justice,
but after
viewing this particular film, subconscience be damned, I'm going to
review it! I must admit that I was expecting an excellent Eurocrime
film, but I got much, much more. This is actually a look into the
Italian prison system, where lawlessness and corruption run rampant
and prisoners are used as pieces on a chess board. Whether they win
or lose the game depends on the actions of the prisoner, but there
are ways to "influence" the prisoner so the game is in
their favor.
The pawn in this case is Vanzi (the always-excellent Franco Nero; A
QUIET PLACE IN THE COUNTRY - 1968), a well-off architect who
is thrown in prison for suspicion of a hit and run with his car and
then leaving the scene of an accident (he is innocent). Vanzi, who
has never been in prison before (hell, he has never received a
traffic ticket), is thrown in a cell with four extremely dangerous
prisoners, all of them murderers. They are: Simonetti
(Ricciardetto Desimone; Rumor has it that he was a real-life killer,
who offered to be this film's prison advisor as long as they gave him
a role. Regardless whether this is true or not, he is definitely
frightening!), a bald-headed bastard who makes Vanzi write home so
his family will send him packages of goodies, explaining to Vanzi
that no one in the cell has family to send them anything, but he does
(Every sentence that comes out of Simonetti's mouth is an implied
threat); Crotta (Corrado Solari; EXECUTION
SQUAD - 1972), a young man of few words, but when he snaps
his fingers, Vanzi better have a cigarette for him (and lit, too!);
Biro (John Steiner; PLOT OF FEAR
- 1976), the worst of the lot; he killed a prisoner recently and was
sentenced to a second life term; he tells Vanzi that a third life
term means nothing to him and he better keep an eye open when he
sleeps because he may kill him ("Am I lying or telling the
truth? I'll let you make the decision." says Biro to Vanzi just
as he is about to go to sleep). The fourth cellmate is Compolini
(Georges Wilson; Lucio Fulci's BEATRICE
CENCI - 1969) a sickly prisoner who is slowly dying and
schools Vanzi about prison life, but he makes him promise that when
he is bedridden and dying, to make sure no one comes to visit him (he
believes his crime is too heinous for his family to visit him, which
leads to a truly heartbreaking scene in the prison hospital later
on). He is the only one in the cell to call him Vanzi; the other
three call him "Architect" to remind Vanzi of his weath and
status in society. The guards are all scared of Biro because they
know he would kill them for no reason (What's three life terms
compared to two?), so they cowtow to his every demand, such as when
he shouts he wants some wine and one of the guards rushes to get a
carafe of wine and delivers it to him! But there's an inmate in the
prison who gets more attention. It's Mafia kingpin Salvatore Rosa
(Claudio Nicastro; SILENT ACTION
- 1975), whom everyone listens to because he gets things done and
knows everything about everyone's personal lives. The corrupt Warden
of the prison (Ferruccio De Ceresa; THE
SICILIAN CHECKMATE - 1972; A perfect companion piece to this
film, as it shows how the corrupt Italian judicial system works and
we can imagine how Vanzi got himself thrown in prison by watching
this film) is on Rosa's payroll and does everything he asks. Rosa
lives like a king in prison, as he has his own cappuccino machine, TV
and other luxuries of life that prisoners are not supposed to have.
Rosa is trying to get the head quard, the Brigadere (Daniele Dublino; BLACK
BELLY OF THE TARANTULA - 1971), to join his team, but he
resists, until Rosa offers his college-educated son, who cannot find
employment, a really good job. Vanzi wants nothing to do with Rosa,
thinking he will not be in prison that long to need any of his
"favors", but circumstances beyond his control makes sure
his stay in prison is longer than it should be. He finds the trio of
brutal idiots in his cell devouring all the goodies his wife sent
him, but when he discovers that someone pissed on his bed (actually,
all three of them did!) and also pissed on his photos of his wife and
three children, he has had enough and goes to Rosa for help. Rosa has
him put in a cell with two other less-violent inmates: Zagarella
(Luigi Zerbinati; Fulci's THE EROTICIST
- 1972), an overweight man who likes to make paper dolls, and Pesenti
(Riccardo Cucciolla; NO,
THE CASE IS HAPPILY RESOLVED - 1973; another great film
about the unjust Italian judicial system), who is also in prison on a
trumped-up charge. He is about to be a witness in a case involving
corruption, where an inadequately-built dam burst open and killed
over a thousand people. He is going to testify against the
construction company that built the dam and Pesenti is afraid that
Vanzi is a spy sent to kill him. After earning Pesenti's respect,
they become great friends, but Pesenti doesn't know that Vanzi saw
him pass an important note to Ventura (a fantastic Antonio Casale; THE
VIOLENT PROFESSIONALS - 1973), a prisoner who can get you
anything in prison for a price; he is even able to get mail sent out
without the prison reading it first. Rosa saw Pesenti handing Ventura
the note and had other prisoners almost beat Ventura to death, but
Vanzi saw where Ventura threw the note before he was attacked and it
is still there.
Rosa knows that Vanzi knows where the note is, but he refuses to
tell him, so Rosa makes Vanzi's life very difficult, having the
Warden makes sure he is not able to see his wife on visiting day and
then having him thrown in solitary confinement for two weeks (After a
couple of days in solitary, Vanzi screams out "I am a human
being! No man should be treated like this!" and begins crying.).
He then has no other choice but to tell Rosa where the note is, which
results in Pesenti's death (The Brigadere leaves the door to their
cell open, where Biro and a few other inmates enter. Pesenti knows
what is about to happen and says, "Please make it painless",
as they hold him down on his bed while Biro slices his wrist with a
razor blade and he bleeds out and dies. Vanzi is shocked by what he
sees, but deep down he knows he is responsible. The corrupt prison
doctor (Piero Nuti; PETOMANIAC
- 1983, the Italian fart movie!) classifies Pesenti's death as a
suicide and Vanzi remains silent, which results in him getting freed
from prison and found not guilty of all the charges brought against
him. The film concludes with Vanzi celebrating his victory with a
party on his yacht with his "friends" (none of whom
visited him in prison), when Pesenti's daughter Sabina (Renata
Zamengo; SUSPIRIA
- 1977) appears on the dock and asks Vanzi if her father's death was
actually a suicide. Vanzi looks at her and says, "Sorry, I can't
help you" and walks away. Prison has certainly changed Vanzi and
not for the better.
This
gut-wrenching and incisive film, shot as L'ISTRUTTORIA
E' CHIUSA DIMENTICHI (a literal translation of the review
title) is a powerful indictment of the Italian prison system, where
the inmates run the asylum and it's a place where a good man can lose
his conscience for reasons beyond his control. As we see in this
film, you can only push a man so far before he breaks, as he watches
helplessly as the people who helped him are ruthlessly pummeled by
other prisoners on the orders of Rosa and the unscrupulous guards,
who are more worried about their lives then they are their jobs (and
some would say rightfully so, but it's not that easy because they
were hired to do a job and then became corrupt). Director Damiano
Damiani, who co-wrote the screenplay with Massimo DeRita (THE
BIG RACKET - 1976) and Arduino Maiuri (STREET
LAW - 1974), does a wonderful job exposing the inadequecies
and horrendous treatment of early-'70s Italy prison life, where the
rich are treated better than the poor, as long as they go along with
the status quo. If they don't, as Vanzi learns, it will be a
life-changing experience and one that he will never forget until the
day he dies (Full disclosure here: I once spent a weekend in prison
for something I didn't do [it's a long story about alimony payments,
ones that I payed, but since I was arrested on a Friday night, I
couldn't see a judge until Monday morning] and it was an experience I
will take with me to my grave. Nothing sexual happened, but I was
treated rather brutally, so this film definitely hit me hard and
brought back some painful memories). Ennio Morricone's sparse
music score also adds greatly to the film's tone of helplessness
and human indignity, making this film a must for fans of the
unexpected. My favorite prison film was always BRUBAKER
(1980), but this film is now my new personal choice. It never
received any legitimate release in the United States, not
theatrically or on home video in any format, but you can see it
streaming on YouTube from user "Eurocrime Realm" in a
fairly nice anamorphic widescreen print in Italian with English
subtitles. I promise to review more of Damiani's films in the near
future, but take my word for it, they are all essential films for the
Italian genre film buff in you. Also featuring Patrizia Adiutori (TORSO
- 1973) as Milena, a whore who Vanzi screws after paying the doctor a
bribe (Hey, it's prison!), Simone Santi (SEX
OF THE WITCH - 1973) and a cameo from Damiani as Vanzi's
uncaring lawyer. Not Rated.
CASTLE
OF EVIL (1966) - Standard
"Reading of the Will" in a haunted castle thriller with one
caveat: The killer
is a robot duplicate of the horribly disfigured deceased person
(named Kovic) who proceeds to kill the people who he thinks is
responsible for the "accident" that killed him in a lab.
The six people who are at the will reading do not understand why they
are there as they are the people who hated him the worst. Each person
had a reason for killing Kovic and as the film progresses we have to
figure out who did the deed. Director Francis D. Lyon (who filmed
this back-to-back with DESTINATION
INNER SPACE with many of the same stars) adds touches of wit
in the many dialogue scenes and the robot creature is very effective,
but the film does not rise above the routine thanks to too much talk
and too little action. If you have nothing better to do with 80
minutes of your time, you may want to give this one a try or you can
simply take a nap and forget about it all together. Starring Scott
Brady, Virginia Mayo, Hugh Marlowe, David Brian, Lisa Gaye and
Shelley Morrison as Lupe the Housekeeper, who is better known now as
the ascerbic housekeeper Rosario on the TV series WILL
& GRACE (1998 - 2006). An NTA
Home Entertainment Release. Not Rated.
THE
CAVE (2005) - I love films that deal
with exploration, whether it's jungle, underwater, mountain or
planet. But I especially love films that contain cave exploration.
It's the feeling of claustrophobia and the danger of everything
collapsing in on you that give cave
exploration films that extra scare factor. THE
CAVE uses that fear to good advantage. When a huge
subterraneous cave is discovered underneath a destroyed church deep
in the Carpathian Mountains, expert spelunkers and deep sea divers
Jack (Cole Hauser; 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS
- 2003) and Buchanan (Morris Chestnut; HALF
PAST DEAD - 2002) are hired to go down into the cave with
their crew and map it out. They must travel nearly 2 1/2 miles
underwater to get to the first dry land that they are able to explore
on foot. When an underwater cave-in blocks their exit back, they must
find another way to return to the outside world. They also face a
more serious problem: They are not alone. There are winged creatures
who are equally at home in the water or on dry land and they have a
hunger for their new visitors' flesh. When Jack is bitten by this new
species of creature, he slowly begins to change and has some type of
psychic connection to the creatures. Jack becomes a danger to his
crew, which includes his hothead brother Tyler (Eddie Cibrian; TV's THIRD
WATCH [1999 - 2005]), fellow member Charlie (Piper Perabo; THE
I INSIDE - 2004) and documentary cameraman Alex (LOST
[2004 - 2010] and the rebooted HAWAII
FIVE-0's [2010 - Present] Daniel Dae Kim). When they
discover that the creatures are actually mutated humans who were
trapped in the cave 30 years earlier, the fun really begins.
While the adventure elements are excellent (helped greatly by the
location photography in Romania and Quintano Roo, Mexico), the horror
elements are severely hampered by the film's PG-13 rating. The
subject matter screams for some R-rated carnage, but THE
CAVE pulls away from the grue and only gives you brief
flashes of the red stuff. THE
DESCENT, released less than a year later, is a good example
of R-rated cave gore. Still, this film does have some tense scenes
and is an OK time-waster with some great directional sound effects
and some pretty good creature effects, although some of the CGI is
iffy. Directed by first-timer Bruce Hunt, who later became Second
Unit Director of the 2010 remake of DON'T
BE AFRAID OF THE DARK. Also starring Rick Ravanello, Lena
Heady and Marcel Iures. A Screen
Gems DVD Release. Rated PG-13.
CELLAR
DWELLER (1987) - Director John
Carl Buechler runs both hot and cold as a director and special
effects person. He was responsible for creating the awful GHOULIES
(1985), directing and creating the creatures in TROLL
(1986, and a guilty pleasure of mine, so quit judging me!) and
directing the truly terrible ICE
CRAWLERS (2002) and the halfway decent MINER'S
MASSACRE (2003). He hits paydirt with this one though,
as it is an affectionate (albeit gory) tribute to the old EC Comics
of yore (Although some real-life "graphic novelists" have
problems with this film. Let them make their own goddamn film!).
Thirty years earlier an artist by the name of Colin Childress
(Jeffrey Combs in what amounts to a cameo) is writer and illustrator
of a horror comic called Cellar Dweller. He uses an old magic book
for inspiration and one day the drawing of his monster comes to life
and kills a woman he has drawn. He kills the monster by setting his
fresh drawing on fire, killing himself in the process. The police
investigation portrays Colin as a murderer and the case is closed.
Thirty years later, a comics artist named Whitney (Deborah Mullowney,
a.k.a. Deborah Farentino) goes to Colin's old house, which is now an
artists' retreat run by Mrs. Briggs (Yvonne De Carlo). Whitney begins
drawing Colin's comic Cellar Dweller (using the magic book for ideas)
and the monster begins to go on a killing spree again. Former cop
turned novelist (Vince Edwards) is gorily decapitated (a good
effect). Lisa (Cheryl Ann Wilson, a.k.a. Miranda Wilson) is eaten by
the creature after taking a shower (nudity alert!). Whitney's old
arch nemesis Amanda (Pamela Bellwood) is also dispatched by the
monster. Whitney, with the help of fellow artist Phillip (Brian
Robbins), try to kill the monster, but the monster kills Phillip
instead. Whitney finds a way to kill the creature (she throws
White-Out on the drawings!) and draws all the dead people and brings
them back to life. But Whitney soon finds out that the comics
business can be a killer. Filmed on a shoestring budget in Italy for
Executive Producer Charles Band's Empire Pictures (which would
transform into Full Moon Pictures a few years later), CELLAR
DWELLER is a compact 77 minute horror film which delivers
the goods. It doesn't overstay its welcome and has plenty of blood,
nudity and a pretty decent story (written by Don Mancini [CHILD'S
PLAY - 1988] using the pseudonym "Kit Du Bois") to
please the fans. The acting is generally good and the only drawback
is the monster itself. It looks like a giant Ghoulie (actually a
monster suit worn by Michael Deak), but with more mouth movements. Oh
well, you can't have everything. I liked it and if you give it a
chance, you may like it too. Also known as UNDERGROUND
WEREWOLF. A New
World Video Release that is long OOP. You can probably find a
copy on eBay if you really want to
see it. Also available from Scream
Factory as part of their 4-film, 2-DVD 4
ALL NIGHT HORROR MARATHON VOLUME TWO compilation and as part
of a double-feature
Blu-Ray with the film CATACOMBS
- (1988). Not Rated.
CHERRY
2000 (1987) - This should have
been a good movie. Something went wrong in the translation from
script to screen. The title refers to a certain make of female robot,
the only kind that can show emotion and make love. They are very rare
in this futuristic society. Our
hero (David Andrews) accidentally short circuits his Cherry while
screwing her on a wet floor! He hires a good-looking tracker (a
slightly chubby but appealing Melanie Griffith) and they set out on a
journey to the forbidden Zone 7 looking for replacement parts for his
tin honey. Slowly he realizes that maybe knocking boots with a robot
isn't the best answer. Maybe what's best for him is staring (and
arguing with) him right in the face. On the plus side are some neat
stunts, great locations and the late Ben Johnson as the legendary
tracker Six Finger Jake who everyone thinks is dead. Unfortunately,
Johnson's screen time is minimal. This film has other positive points
but I can't really recommend it as the story is haphazard and all
over the place and Tim Thomerson's outrageous comic overacting really
grates on your nerves. Director Steve De Jarnatt would
make the masterful MIRACLE MILE
the next year. Beside the people already mentioned, this film has a
dream cast of exploitation actors: Brion James, Robert Z'Dar,
Marshall Bell, Larry Fishburne, Harry Carey Jr, Michael C. Gwynne and
Pamela Gidley as Cherry. Too bad the script let them down. Originally
released on VHS by Orion Home Video and released on DVD by MGM/UA
Home Entertainment. Rated PG-13.
CLOWNTOWN
(2015) - Killer clown horror films are flooding the DTV market.
Some of them are great (100
TEARS - 2007), some of them are good (CLOWN
- 2013), some are downright terrible (SLOPPY
THE PSYCHOTIC - 2012) and many others are like this film,
where clowns can be substituted for any non-greasepainted psychos.
The film opens with a baby sitter (Kaitlyn Sapp, who shows us her
breasts within the first 5 minutes of the film), putting her two
charges to bed and then hearing on the TV news that there has been a
bad train accident, the worst in the State's (filmed in Ohio)
history. She then sees one of the children, Ricky (Nathan D. Goins)
dressed in a clown outfit running upstairs. She also goes upstairs to
see why he is dressed like that, only to be stabbed and
meat-cleavered in her stomach. 15 years later, Brad (Brian Nagel) is
about to ask his girlfriend Sarah (Lauren Elise) to marry him after
they go to a Country Music concert in Columbus and he shows the ring
to his best friend Mike (Andrew Staton, also Stunt Coordinator). The
foursome, including Mike's girlfriend Jill (Katie Keene) take
instructions from the locals in a diner, including the Sheriff
(Christopher Lawrence Chapman, also an Executive Producer) on how to
take a shortcut to Columbus, but he also warns them not to stop in
any strange little towns and you just know they are heading into
trouble. Brad takes the Sheriff's directions, while one of the locals
in a diner is killed by someone with a crowbar, who shoves it in his
throat. Jill discovers she has lost her phone (she freaks out because
her credit card information is on it; stupid girl), so Sarah tells
her to use her cell phone to call the diner to see if her phone is
there. Jill calls the diner and a man answers and says he has her
phone. He wants to know where they are, so she gives him their
location. The voice on the other end of the phone tells them where to
meet him and he will return the phone. They end up in a small,
seemingly deserted town, that is not as deserted as the foursome
thinks. It is occupied by a group of psycho clowns, one holding a
baseball bat (David Greathouse; the most disturbing of the lot), who
likes to play with fire, one holding a machete (Chris Hahn). one
holding a crowbar (Ryan Pilz, also the Production Designer), one
wielding an axe (Alan Tuskes) and even a psychotic girl clown (Beki
Ingram). As you can probably already guess, this small town has no
cell phone service and their car won't start. While walking down the
street, Jill sees the machete clown and is almost hit by a pickup
truck driven by co-workers Billy (Director/editor Tom Nagel) &
Dylan (Jeff Denton) who were both at the diner the same time when the
foursome was. The crowbar clown kills Billy and the baseball clown
sets him on fire, while everyone else runs and hides in an empty
Recreational Vehicle. An old crazy man named Frank (Greg Violand)
saves their hides and takes them to his hideout.. Jill is captured by
the clowns and tied -up, where the famale clown says "I am going
to make you so pretty!" Frank tells them that ever since the
terrible train wreck 15 years earlier, this town has never been the
same. People ended up missing and the clowns suddenly appeared
(flashbacks show us the clowns killing people , including a girl
sunbathing in her bikini). Nearly everyone forgot the town existed
(which I find highly unlikely for reasons apparent to everyone). I
don't think I have to tell you the way the film progresses, as the
clowns begin to pick off the group one by one. First Dylan has his
jaw torn in half by the crowbar clown and then has the crowbar jammed
into his stomach. Jill is grabbed by the crowbar clown, but Brad
saves her and kills the clown with his own crowbar by bashing his
head in. Brad recognizes the clown as the busboy in the diner by the
tattoo on his arm, so all the other clowns must be members of the
diner. The girl clown covers Sarah's face with greasepaint and she
screams like she is having her arm cut off! Brad, Mike and Jill
"borrow" Billy & Dylan's truck and discover Frank
stumbling down the street with an object impaled in his stomach. They
are all attacked by the clowns and they all run in different
directions. Brad finds a house occupied by an old lady named Myrtle
(Maryanne Nagel; and yes, there is a lot of nepotism in this film),
who was the mother of young boy Ricky in the beginning of the film.
Flashbacks show us Myrtle killed the babysitter. Ricky is the
baseball bat clown with a fixation for fire. For some reasons left
unclear, the Sheriff from the diner is behind this all. Will Brad
propose to Sarah? Will Mike and Jill survive? Will the clowns join a
psycho circus? (Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey went out of
business in 2017, which wouldn't surprise me if their clowns went
bonkers.) I'm afraid you'll have to watch this for yourself to get
those answers. Director/Editor Tom Nagel is better known as an actor,
appearing in such films as The Asylum's THE
BEAST OF BRAY ROAD (2005), HILLSIDE
CANNIBALS (2005) and THE
BURNING DEAD (2015). While the film is a few steps above an
Asylum film and quite graphic (Effects done by Robert Kurtzman's
Creature Corps (He is also a Co-Producer), there is nothing here that
you haven't seen a dozen times before. While the beginning of the
film makes us believe we are going to see more female nudity, it is
the only scene of it in the entire film. but this is a good little
time-waster if you have nothing better to watch. An Entertainment
One DVD Release. Not Rated.
COMIN'
AT YA! (1981) - Yes, I know, I
usually don't review Westerns, but after witnessing the ultra-weird GET
MEAN (1975), I just had to watch this film since it was
directed and co-written by the same people involved with MEAN
and features the same actor from that film. This Italy/Spain/United
States co-production was also the film that kickstarted the
early-'80s 3-D craze. It was so successful, in fact, that it made
over $6,000,000 in just 200 theaters, unheard of at the time for a low-budget
feature (over $20,000,000 when inflated to current American dollars)
and rumor has it that the film had to be temporarily pulled from
circulation when the distributor ran out of 3-D glasses.
H. H. Hart (Tony Anthony; The STRANGER
trilogy - 1967-1968; BLINDMAN
- 1971) is a Confederate Army gunslinger who, in a flashback, is
gunned-down by Polk Thompson (Ricardo Palacios; MONSTER
DOG - 1985) and his brother Pike (Gene Quintano;
screenwriter of the Jean-Claude Van Damme actioner SUDDEN
DEATH - 1994) at his wedding, his bride Abilene (Victoria
Abril) ripped from his arms and carried away into the sunset. (I
wonder if there is where Quentin Tarantino got the idea for KILL
BILL?) He has been searching for his bride and the Thompson
brothers since that fateful (but not fatal) day. Hart corners a
bagpipe-playing Preacher (Lewis Gordon; CRYSTALSTONE
- 1987) in a confessional, the Preacher telling him that this is a
ghost town because two evil brothers came here and murdered all the
men and children, kidnapping all the pretty women. Hart tells him
about the Thompson brothers, so the Preacher joins him on his quest.
We then see that the kidnapped women are being held captive in a
rundown church, where they are attacked by cheesy-looking bats, who
attach themselves to some of the women's faces (and fly directly at
the camera), but they all fly away when the Thompson brothers enter
the room (Yes, they are so mean, even the bats are scared of them!).
A short time later, Polk forcefully enters the home of a baby girl's
mother (we know it's a baby girl, because her baby vagina is thrust
at the camera!), where he begins to rape the unfortunate woman. Hart
then enters the house, killing Polk's henchmen, and begins to beat
the crap out of Polk, demanding to know where his wife is. Polk says
he doesn't want to know and we see Abilene and several other women
walking on a large table, while men (and women) bid on them, buying
their bodies for sex. Hart enters the church where the current crop
of kidnapped women are being held, telling them that he will lead
them to safety, but first he sneaks into the auction house and kills
a couple of buyers with his shotgun. He then hold Pike at bay with
his shotgun, telling him that if he wants to see Polk alive, he will
do what he says. He holds Pike hostage, giving Abilene and the other
kidnapped women enough time to escape, but someone with a bullwhip
disarms Hart, Pike demanding to know where his brother is. When Hart
refuses to tell him, he burns Hart's hand with a red hot poker, Hart
spilling the beans (sorry, this is not a 3-D effect!) and Pike riding
out to rescue his brother, leaving Hart tied-up in his hideout.
We then see Polk tied to a pipe, while rats feast on his flesh. Pike
saves his brother before he becomes a three-course meal for the rats
(but they still managed to eat his left eye!). "He kicked
me!" says Polk, Pike telling him not to worry, Hart is tied up
back at the hideout and he can kill him when they get back.
Meanwhile the Preacher and all the escaped women have formed a
miniature wagon train, but when a squad of Thompson henchmen
show up, the women run for their lives, but they are caught. Abilene,
too, as we see her lassoed and dragged through a beach. Polk returns
to the hideout and beats the stuffing out of Hart, but Hart manages
to turn the tables and kills Polk, escaping while trying to avoid the
flying spears and flaming arrows coming his way, being sent by one of
Polk's Indian henchmen (This scene must have looked excellent in
3-D). Hart manages to kill the Indian with one of his own spears, but
Abilene is a prisoner once again. When Pike discovers Polk dead, he
begins a long sexual assault on Abilene. Hart discovers Abilene's
dress on the beach and knows what he has to do. He also discovers all
of the escaped women dead, tied to the ground on spikes, left there
to slowly die in the blazing sun. He finds a barely-alive
Preacher, who tells Hart that Pike killed all of the women except for
his wife, leaving the Preacher alive to tell Hart where to meet Pike
if he wants to see his wife alive. Will Hart kill Pike and his
numerous henchmen (who seem to grow in number as the film progresses)
and save his wife? What do you think?
While not as batshit crazy as GET MEAN,
director Fernando Baldi (NINE
GUESTS FOR A CRIME - 1977; TERROR
EXPRESS - 1979; WARBUS -
1985), working with a script written by Gene Quintano, Wolfe
Lowenthal and Lloyd Battista (the last two also responsible for the
screenplay of MEAN), still manages to milk the many 3-D
effects for all they are worth. The opening credits are in 3-D,
written in unusual places, such as a snake wrapped around a wine
bottle (and the wine bottle's label), the bottom of a horse's hoof, a
bag of coffee beans, and a gun barrel, just to name a few. It should
also be noted that the opening 15 minutes are dialogue-free, just
Carlo Savina's excellent music score and various sound effects, yet
it still manages to tell the story about what happened to Hart and
his bride. There are also 3-D effects that you will not see in any
other film, including the baby girl's nudity, which makes this film
stand out from the pack. Even though I watched this film in 2-D, the
3-D effects still manage to pack a punch. Sure, there are a lot of
gun barrels thrust into the camera and plenty of slow-motion deaths
(with bloody bullet sqibs exploding in your face), but it's the
little things used for 3-D that makes this film so enjoyable. I
should footnote this review by explaining that I never saw a 3-D
movie. Hell, I can't even see in 3-D, since I was born with only one
working eye (no cyclops jokes, please, I still have two eyes, it's
just that one doesn't work). Whenever I wanted to see a 3-D movie, I
had to find a theater playing it in 2-D (otherwise it would just be a
blur to me), making it tough, especially in the elongated 3-D craze
that hit us in the New Millennium (the longest in 3-D history). Since
this is an R-Rated 3-D film, even the plentiful female nudity is in
your face, as are the bloody deaths. Even Pike's explosive death
registers in 2-D, proving to me that you don't need two good eyes to
enjoy a 3-D film. Baldi directed a 3-D companion film, the RAIDERS
clone TREASURE OF
THE FOUR CROWNS (1983), but it didn't register with audiences
as this one did since people were growing tired of 3-D films when it
was released.
Released theatrically in the U.S. by Filmways Pictures, with a VHS
release a couple of years later by Rhino
Video, who then released a widescreen version on DVD early in
the New Millennium (both OOP). MDV Visual re-released the film on
DVD, only this time it was converted to the modern-day Real 3-D, the
first vintage film to receive the conversion. I saw this converted
version streaming on Amazon Prime (free for Prime Members). The film
looks like it was shot yesterday, as it is crisp, clean and colorful.
No Blu-Ray at the time of this review. Give it a chance, you'll
probably like it. Also featuring Luis Barboo (THE
LORELEY'S GRASP - 1973), Charly Bravo (NIGHT
OF THE WEREWOLF - 1980), Domenico Cianfriglia (SUPER
STOOGES VS. THE WONDER WOMEN - 1974), Goffredo Unger (SNOW
DEVILS - 1967) and Joaquín Gómez, all as
Thompson henchmen. Rated R.
THE
CONTROL GROUP (2014) -
Interesting sci-fi/horror/thriller, but the low budget can't sustain
its lofty ambitions. Five college students wake up in an abandoned
mental asylum and have no idea how they got there. We eventually find
out that this is an experiment sanctioned by a government black ops
group called "The Agency". They are testing out a new drug
(which is never given a name in the film) that makes people face
their worst fears. The Agency wants to use the drug for overseas
interrogations. Dr Broward (Brad Dourif; DEATH
AND CREMATION - 2010) is in charge of the experiment, but
when one of the college students, Grant (Justen Jones), dies, they
find out that the drug has an unknown side effect: The dead rise to
life and go on a murder spree. There is also another problem: The
mental asylum is haunted by "The Patient", a notorious
serial killer who is also a rapist. Turns out that Dr. Broward knew
about this all along and he is running his own
experiment without The Agency's knowledge. Dr. Broward wants to go
to the "other side" and back, pulling as many live human
beings as he can with him. Too bad that freshman director/producer
Peter Hurd (His only film when this review was written) pared Logan
Goin's screenplay down to the bare bones. Too many things happen with
no explanation. First, Grant steals some top secret files called
"Blank Slate" and they contain the combination to a vault
which houses "The Machine", a chair that enables people who
sit in it to wipe their brain clean and transfer another person's
memory into it. By the time the it is over, your head will be
spinning from all the new layers that keep on getting added to the
film with no backstory. The film actually centers on college student
Jack (Ross Destiche), who was a loner and just lost his sister in a
preventable car accident. He blows the whole experiment wide open
when he discovers one of the "crow people" (The Agency
keeps watch on the group while wearing crow masks and hooded black
robes) is actually electronic surveillance. While the film is
interesting (Except for actress Emily Soto, who plays ghost girl
Anne. Her voice is so grating you'll want to whip out a wheel of
cheese.), it travels all over the map, making it difficult to keep up
with the story. I am sure director Hurd wanted to make a completely
understandable film, but it is obvious he didn't have the budget.
Hurd does throw in some nifty practical effects (The optical effects
are sub-par) such as Grant killing Agent Torrez (Taso N. Stavrakis;
who also played "Torrez" in the late George A. Romero's DAY
OF THE DEAD - 1985) by breaking his back until his feet
touch the back of his head. He comes back to life and spider walks,
much in the same way Linda Blair did in the cut scene from THE
EXORCIST (1973). Angent Torrez eventually gets his fingers
cut off and his head separated from his body with a hacksaw. There is
also death by electrical straight saw; stepping on a metal spike;
Grant originally dies by walking into a room filled with barb wire; a
better than average scene where Grant kills two Agents approaching
him in different directions by killing them with a shotgun (he
non-chalantly kills one coming at him in the front and lays the
shotgun on his shoulder and kills one approaching him from the
rear.); and other bits of gory violence. But you'll spend more time
trying to figure out the story, which is all helter skelter. A nice
try, but not a success. For once in films like this, Brad Dourif
doesn't put in a five minute cameo. His role in the film is important
in some way (If I only could figure it out!). In an easter egg, the
DVD cover shows ghost girl Anne holding a Chucky Doll, a tribute to
Dourif for appearing in this. To show you how inaccessible this film
is, it was made in 2014 but not released on disc until 2017. The
acting ranges from professional (Dourif) to amateurish (Soto). Filmed
in Fergus Falls, Minnesota. Also starring Monique Candelaria (THE
CONDEMNED 2 - 2015), Jenna Enemy, Shane Philip, Jerry G.
Angelo (THE RAMBLER - 2012),
Kodi Saint Angelo, Larry Laverty (THE HAMILTONS
- 2006) and Luce Rains (THE CABINING
- 2014) as "The Patient". A Wild
Eye Releasing DVD Release. Not Rated.
THE
CRAWLERS (1990) -
You will not find a film as boring as this one even if you purposely
went in search of one. A
greedy nuclear plant owner dumps toxic waste in a forest to save
himself a few bucks, causing tree roots to come alive and attack the
inhabitants of a nearby town! If that synopsis makes the film sound
interesting, please read on to avoid embarrassment. This is the worst
acted, inanely scripted film to come down the pike in quite a while.
This U.S.-lensed, Italian-made fiasco offers nothing to the
discerning gorehound and may well have the worst special effects in
recent memory (check out the helicopter crash!). Directed by Fabrizio
Laurenti (WITCHERY -
1988) using his usual pseudonym Martin Newlin and
starring Jason Saucier (HITCHER
IN THE DARK - 1989), Mary Sellers (GHOSTHOUSE
- 1987) and Bubba Reeves (CHINA
O'BRIEN - 1990). If there were a God in Heaven, they would
never, ever, have appeared in another film. I guess God was too busy
to hear my prayers (What else is new?) From Columbia-Tri Star Home
Video. Also available from Scream
Factory as part of their 4-film, 2-DVD 4
ALL NIGHT HORROR MARATHON VOLUME TWO compilation. Rated
R
for one gory scene, where the stupid (and crooked) Sheriff (Vince
O'Neil) lets a root crawl into his mouth and exit out his right eye.
The film is otherwise bloodless. Why would anyone bother? Also known
as CREEPERS, CONTAMINATION
.7 and, believe it or not, TROLL
3.
CRAWL
OR DIE (2014) - One of the
perks of being an Amazon Prime member is that I have been able to
watch an awful lot of DTV films released by Uncork'd Entertainment on
DVD for free. Surprisingly, a lot of them have been good to
excellent, but this film, originally titled CRAWL
BITCH CRAWL and made for less than $7,000, is not one of
them. It's supposed to fill us with the dread of claustrophobia, but
all it really does is make us look at the clock and wait for it to
end. The opening looks like some found footage film, as the cameras
shake and shimmy while we watch a band of Special Forces soldiers
shooting at something that doesn't look human (it's really hard to
make out, even when you freeze frame), while they are lowering a
civilian woman down the opening of an underground tunnel and then
joining her. They keep very quiet while one of the Special Forces
soldiers turns the wheel to lock the surface door, while another
tries to booby-trap the door, but he drops the triggering mechanism
down to the ground. Instead of throwing the trigger back up to him,
the alien breaks in and the soldier blows himself up, but it has no
effect on the alien (Not 5 minutes into this film and I know this
squad of Special Forces soldiers are nothing but a bunch of
screw-ups). We are then transported seven months in the past at a
mission briefing of the same Special Forces team. It seems we are in
the future where a virus had made nearly all the women infertile.
General Z (David Zeliff) informs the squad he has received a
"Code 455", which means they have located two women that
are fertile (a statistic so improbable to calculate, it would make
any scientist roll his/her eyes in disbelief and the plot reminded me
of both the Jean-Claude
Van Damme film CYBORG [1989]
and AMERICAN
CYBORG: STEEL WARRIOR [1993], one of Cannon Films last
productions), but one of the women has passed away from the virus.
Their job is to escort "The Package" (Torey Byrne) as she
is flown off the planet in the spaceship Oklahoma (an in-joke; but
this film is so cheap that no spaceship is ever shown) and all will
be put in cryosleep for seven months, where they will land on
"Earth 2". The General says that all the rumors they heard
are true; they are preparing a disease-free planet for habitation by non-diseased
people, but it will still take four more years to finish. Since this
unit has never lost a single package (hard to believe after what we
witnessed in the beginning of the film), the General makes it clear
that no matter how much the Package cries or complains, she must be
delivered (to whom we are never told). She is to be treated like an
actual package than a human being (if this is our future, stop the
car, I want to get out). We are then back in the tunnels seven months
later, as Special Forces leader Tank (Nicole Alonzo; one of the
film's Producers and wannabe singer; she has a haircut that would
never be approved by the Special Forces) leads the troops and the
Package through the tunnels, which gets smaller and smaller, until
the men in the squad, including Snoop (Wil Crown), Doc (Tommy Ball),
Mic (Tom Chamberlain), Thumper (Larry Huitt) and over a half-dozen
"red shirts" (A term taken from the original STAR
TREK (1966 - 1969), where, if an unknown crew member was
beamed down to a planet wearing a red shirt, you knew he was going to
die) cannot crawl or squeeze through the opening, and try to find an
alternate means to their destination (which we still don't know),
while Tank strips down to her underwear and has the Package crawl in
front of her. I know we are supposed to get a severe case of
claustrophobia, but all we really get is a case of severe case of
boredom and hope that the camera gives us another crotch shot of
Tank. The alien (played by Matthew Crabtree, who also designed the
creature suit and plays one of the red shirt Special Forces members)
grabs the Package and takes off down the tiny tunnels, with Tank
trying to follow them. When she finally gets to a chamber, we don't
see the Package (the alien probably ate her, but that is just
speculation on my part), so her team finds a way to pull her up from
the chamber and Tank sets the alien on fire (the film is so cheap, we
don't even see the creature suit on fire). So much for their unit
never losing a package and they have probably killed all mankind.
While the alien is following the two and then grabs the Package, all
we get is nothing but a short view of it during the finale, where it
looks like a cross between ALIEN
(1979) and FORBIDDEN
WORLD (1982). This entire film,
directed/co-produced/screenwritten/set designed (I bet that cost him
$50)/co-photographed by Oklahoma Ward, picked a pretty poor film to
make as his feature film debut (all he did was short films before
this). The closest I can come to describe it is one of those cheap
80's & 90's Roger Corman productions (like THE
TERROR WITHIN - 1988), but at least Corman's films gave us
blood, gore and creatures we can actually see and not the
quick-cutting one second shots of blood, gore, the creature and
always shaking camera that Ward offers us here. There are lengthy
periods of no dialogue, just a droning background noise that induces
headaches (I swear my 5.1 Dolby Stereo System was crying!) and a
whole lot of unanswered questions (How did a huge alien drag the
Package through such tight areas? What is Earth 2 doing with an
underground tunnel system and what purpose does it serve? Is the
alien a resident of Earth 2 or did it follow them to stop Earth
people from continuing to exist? How did the virus start? Was it man
made, alien made or a natural occurrence?). There are so many
unanswered questions in this film that a book can be written about
them and don't go looking for answers (not even what happened to the
Package), because you will get none. I am always willing to give
directors a second chance, but the next film Oklahoma Ward directs
better be something spectacular. Even though it cost under $7,000 to
make, that is no excuse. SKINLESS
(2013) was made for less than $2,000 and held me spellbound. This
film just held me prisoner and all of Tank's scenes are filmed with a
sickly blue filter for no other reason than his digital camera
allowed it. If you like your action in one second edits, gore in even
less time and never a really good look at the alien, you may like
this film (you poor bastard). I actually had a better time brushing
my cats than watching this cheap excuse as an 80's throwback film. No
nudity, no really discernible blood or gore (thanks to the quick
editing) and no answered questions. After the end credits it says
"Tank will return soon." Let's hope not. God, let's hope
not. Also starring David Paul Baker, Clayton Burgess, Troy Bailey,
Jonathan Dixon, Robbie Huitt, Jeremy Sellers, John Stirling, Austin
Wood and J. Luke Lanson as the interchangeable Special Forces team.
An Uncork'd Entertainment
DVD Release. Not Rated, but there is nothing here that goes
past a PG-13.
CRUEL
JAWS
(1994) -
Another one of Bruno Mattei's (here using the Anglicized name
"William Snyder") homages to American blockbuster films
(see reviews for ROBOWAR and
SHOCKING DARK).
You can guess by the title what film this flick is ripping off, but
one has to wonder why anyone would want to make a JAWS rip-off
twenty years after the fact (and even cribbing some actual footage
from JAWS - 1975 and JAWS
2 - 1978), especially since the Italians already milked it
to death in the 80's, with films like THE
LAST SHARK (1981, footage from it is also in this film) and DEEP
BLOOD (1989, still more cribbed footage). Anyway, if you
must know the story, here it is: A shark is terrorizing the coastal
Florida community of Hampton Bay, killing swimmers and scuba divers,
leaving their half-eaten carcasses on the beach. A real estate
magnate, who is trying to buy out the local aquarium (whose owner
looks like a skinny Hulk Hogan), tries to cover-up the attacks until
after his deal and the annual regatta are both completed. Billy
(Gregg Hood), a visiting oceanographer, tries to help the concerned
sheriff, Francis (David Luther), rid the town of the shark before
more people are killed. Billy and the sheriff face off against the
shark in separate battles and only one of them will come out alive.
Much stupidity follows and did I actually hear somebody say, "We
need a bigger helicopter?"! For an Italian horror film, I must
say that I was bitterly disappointed with this one. We never watch
these kind of films for the storyline, but rather for the blood and
nudity. Sadly, CRUEL JAWS
is severely lacking in both departments, probably because it was made
for European TV. While there are plenty of good-looking women in
teenie bikinis, they never take them off and the gore is basically
just shots of body parts lying on the beach and a couple of views of
the shark munching on humans (it's bloodless). The shark attack
scenes are laughable as most of them are stolen from other films. The
scene where the shark attacks the regatta and a little girl in a
wheelchair who rolls into the waiting jaws of the shark, only to be
saved by Billy's girlfriend (who becomes chum), is awkward and
clumsily filmed. All the little girl says after the attack is,
"Sharks are really bad!" No shit, Sherlock. While I
generally like these Italian rip-offs because they go overboard in
the exploitative elements, CRUEL JAWS
(also known as JAWS 5
and THE BEAST) just goes
overboard and never comes up for air. Why bother? Also starring
George Barnes, Scott Silveria, Kristen Urso, Richard Dew, Sky Palma
and Norma J. Nesheim. Video label unavailable. The version I viewed
was taken from a bootleg VHS tape. NOTE: Scream
Factory was going to release this film as part of a double
feature Blu-Ray (with EXTERMINATORS
OF THE YEAR 3000 - 1983) until they learned that it
contained illegal footage from some A-List American films. This was
one of the stupidest moves in disc history, especially since anyone
who has ever heard of this film already knew that most of the shark
footage was cribbed from other movies. Scream Factory quickly
withdrew the planned release with a press release that had to be read
to be believed. They didn't know? C'mon now! Not Rated. UPDATE:
It seems Severin Films
settled the legal issues pertaining to this film and released it on DVD
& Blu-Ray containing two versions: The Home Video Version
and the extra violent Japanese version called "The Snyder Cut".
CURSE
OF BIGFOOT (1958/1976) - This
extremely slow-moving horror hybrid was a TV staple during the
mid-70's to early 80's. The bulk of the film consists of footage from
an unfinished 1958 production titled TEENAGERS
BATTLE THE THING (released on VHS in an unfinished 60-minute
version), an unremarkable story about a professor and his archaeology
students on a field trip who discover an ancient Indian mummy in a
sealed cave and accidentally
bring it back to life. The first 30 minutes, though, is hastily-shot
footage filmed in the mid-70's about a teacher giving a class on the
history of Bigfoot (which cuts to way too much nature footage, a JAWS
(1975) reference, and even more stock footage), which the leads to a
short story about two men in a truck who meet a bigfoot in the woods
(it just seems long because of the endless padding of the two men
walking in the forest), which then leads to a visiting professor
(Dennis Kottmeier, returning from the original film) telling the same
class a story about his run-in with a bigfoot 15 years earlier (cue
the 1958 footage), where three of his seven students he brought with
him on that fateful field trip would end up in a mental institution.
I think they ended up there because they needed drugs to keep them
from slashing their wrists from the sheer boredom. While this
could have been an interesting time capsule, the fact that nothing
much happens throughout the entire running time pretty much sinks any
novelty value this film has for those seeking something different.
Since it takes over 30 minutes to get past the new footage (and
believe me when I say that watching grass grow is more interesting),
most viewers would have turned it off long before getting to the old
stuff. Not that the old stuff is any better as it's just as inane as
the new stuff and the film stock of the old footage has an overly red
tint to it and is much blurrier than the new footage. The only fun
spot is when one of the 50's kids says, "Boy, I could go for a
bottle of pop." The other kid asks for a dime plus three cents
for the deposit! The creature from the 50's footage isn't really a
bigfoot. As I have said before, it is actually an ancient Indian
mummy (and ridiculous in it's paper-macheness). First (and only time)
director Don Fields changed it to a bigfoot probably to appease the
audience's 70's fascination with the subject. I remember watching
this on TV in the late 70's and being bored to tears. My opinion
still hasn't changed. Some things should not be resurrected just
because it's old and unseen. Sometimes things should just stayed
buried. Starring Bob Clymire, Jan Swihart, Bill Simonsen, and Ruth
Ann Mannella. A RetroFlicks
DVD-R Release (and from several budget DVD companies) which was also
available in the late 80's on a crappy EP-mode VHS tape from Star
Classics. Also available on a double
feature DVD, with CATHY'S
CURSE (1977), from Alpha Video.
Not Rated.
CYCLONE
(1978) - This tale of survival and cannibalism on the open seas
should be an exciting and gruesome story about what length people
will go to when they are forced to survive, but the film's very long
119 minutes will have you watching the clock rather than watching
people slice dead bodies into scraps of meat that are dried in the
hot sun and eaten like strips of bacon. The fact that we have to wait
nearly 90 minutes before this happens attests to the long attention
span you must possess to find any "enjoyment" this film
offers. Unfortunately, my attention span doesn't run that long, due
to the cliched people and the equally cliched situations
we must put up with before this film gets to the meat of the matter,
namely the cannibal angle.
We are first aboard the Moby Dick, a glass-bottom boat piloted by
Andres (Andrés García; TINTORERA
- 1977), who tells a group of tourists that he is taking them to a
small island with a lighthouse where they will see beautiful,
colorful fish through the glass on the bottom of his boat. This group
of tourists couldn't be more white bread, including a priest (Arthur
Kennedy; CAVE OF THE SHARKS
- 1978) who believes more in God than his fellow man; a ditsy rich
woman named Shiela (Carroll Baker; BABA
YAGA - 1973), who dotes on her little dog Christmas (named
that because, "She was born the same time as Jesus, midnight on
Christmas Eve."); Monica (Olga Karlatos; ZOMBIE
- 1979), who is six months pregnant with her third child; a couple of
over-inquisitive (i.e. "loveable") kids; a mean,
bald-headed burly guy; a married couple; and your regular assortment
of future victims that I like to call "red shirts". The
Weather Service warns the island that a massive cyclone is quickly
approaching the island and the surrounding area, but Andres and his
crew are unaware of it. Even if they were, there's nowhere to go, as
the cyclone is so huge, it threatens to destroy the island and
everything in its vicinity.
Meanwhile, a passenger plane piloted by Hugo Stiglitz (SURVIVE!
- 1976, another film based on a true-life incident involving
cannibalism, directed by the father of this film's director!) is
flying overhead, as flight attendant Linda (Stefania D'Amario; THE
SISTER OF URSULA - 1978) is serving all the passengers
coffee (including all the children!). One child passenger named
Tiersa (Edith González; ALUCARDA
- 1975) asks Linda if there are a lot of sharks in the water below
and Linda replies, "Don't worry Tiersa, they don't know how to
fly." (What The Fuck??? I mean, I know what the film is trying
to do here, letting us know that there are man-eating sharks in the
water, but why does she give such a brain-melting answer like that?).
Also on the plane are two young boys traveling alone (and enjoying
their coffee!); a young man named Thomas (The director's son, Rene
Cardona III, using the pseudonym "Al Coster"; CEMETERY
OF TERROR - 1984), who wants to be an oceanographer, even
though his friend reminds him he doesn't know how to swim (!); and
Mr. Taylor (Lionel Stander; THE SQUEEZE
- 1978), the owner of a lobster company that is important to the
economy of this small Caribbean island. Taylor's workers on this
island want to form a union, so he has come here to talk them out of
it, telling another passenger, Dr. Pitorro (Mario Almada; BLOOD
SCREAMS - 1987), that he does more than his share for the
local workers, such as loans for their housing and boats at low
interest rates, schools for their kids and a good price for the
lobsters they bring him. A union will cost him a lot of money he
doesn't want to spend (Yeah, he's an angel!). The rest of the
passangers are as cliched and cardboard cut-outs as the tourists on
the Moby Dick. The plane flies directly into the cyclone, as Hugo
announces over the intercom that the airport is closed due to the bad
weather and they will be unable to land there. Mr. Taylor tells Linda
that he wants to talk to the pilot, as he paid for this entire flight
so he could land at the airport to take care of some very important
business. Linda tells him no, he must remain buckled in his seat
until the pilot says it is safe to remove their seatbelts.
Unfortunately, that will never happen.
The crew and tourists aboard the Moby Dick are also in the middle of
the cyclone, trying to make it to the island, which is being belted
by high winds and torrential rain, knocking out electricity,
telephones and other means of communication over the entire islamd.
The Moby Dick loses its engine, radio and all other instruments in
the high waves and drifts aimlessly out to sea. The plane loses one
of its engines due to the high winds and severe turbulence,
forcing Hugo to radio-in a mayday (there is no answer since the
cyclone has destroyed the control tower on the island), as he tries
to fly the plane on one engine. Hugo isn't successful, as the plane
crashes into the sea and the surviving passengers (including the ones
that I mentioned) try to exit the plane before it fills up with water
and sinks to the ocean floor. Soon, the survivors of the plane
crash meet the survivors on board the Moby Dick, the over-crowded
boat (with a solid canopy) being their only means of surviving the
dangers the ocean holds, but if they aren't rescued soon, they will
either die of thirst or starvation, which ever comes first. They have
to ration the water, but when Sheila asks for a ration for her dog
Christmas ("She's a passenger just like the rest of us!"),
the people on the boat object, especially chief instigator Mr.
Taylor, who thinks he is in charge. One of the passengers has a
fishing pole and is able to catch some fish, which everyone eats raw,
but when he loses the fishing pole when he hooks a shark, everyone
wonders how they will survive without any food. When one of the
passengers seens Sheila giving her dog a sip of water (She purchased
another passenger's share by giving him a thousand dollars!), he
throws Christmas overboard, but another passenger jumps in the water
and saves the little dog, only to slit its throat and serve it as a
meal to the passengers! (The entire time we see the passengers eating
Christmas raw, we hear Sheila crying her eyes out!). Once they finish
eating the little dog, the question becomes: What else can they eat
to survive? A rainstorm solves their water problem and a couple of
seriously injured passengers on the boat have either passed away or
will soon, so the survivors decide rather than throwing the bodies
overboard, Andres will slice into them at their most meaty area,
lying the strips of human flesh on top of the canopy, where the
sweltering sun will dry them out and they will all have something to
eat. (I hear it tastes like chicken). That is everyone, except the
priest, who warns everyone that they are breaking God's law, until
one passenger quotes from the Bible the "Flesh of my flesh"
verse (Isn't it funny how the Bible is full of verses that say the
opposite of another verse? Which one do you believe? If you are
smart, none of them.). Will Monica lose her baby? Will the people on
the boat quit pissing and moaning at each other? What happens to the
survivors when one of them accidently breaks the glass bottom of the
Moby Dick and it sinks, causing a shark feeding frenzy? Will they be
saved and open up a "Long Pig" restaurant? If you want to
know the answers to those questions, I'm afraid you'll have to suffer
and watch the film. I did!
That's basically all there is to this overlong film, directed by
Rene Cardona Jr. (NIGHT
OF A THOUSAND CATS - 1972; THE
BERMUDA TRIANGLE - 1978; CARLOS
THE TERRORIST - 1980; TREASURE
OF THE AMAZON - 1985; BEAKS:
THE MOVIE - 1987) and written by Cardona Jr. and Carlos
Valdemar (Cardona Jr.'s GUYANA:
CRIME OF THE CENTURY - 1979; and the Mexican horror film GRAVE
ROBBERS - 1989). Basically nothing but a reworking of his
father's, Rene Cardona, previously mentioned SURVIVE!
(1976), who has a role here as one of the survivors
(he also acted in Mexican horror films, such as the totally weird THE
BRANIAC - 1962), with some JAWS
(1975) tossed in to spice things up, this meandering and rather
boring film must have looked delicious on paper, but as a film, it's
rather a bland dish. The acting also leaves a bad taste, especially
by the usually dependable Carroll Baker and Arthur Kennedy. Baker is
more concerned for her dog Christmas than she is about any of the
passengers. She won't even let her dog eat a piece of raw fish,
telling Andres that it will upset her little stomach! Kennedy looks
bored beyond tears and doesn't even try to act. His line reading are
like they are written on cue cards and he is seing them for the first
time (attested by the fact that he didn't hang around to dub his own
voice). Everyone else, especially the people who dubbed this
Mexico/Spain/Italy co-production, speak their lines in an annoying,
emotionless monotone, lulling viewers quickly to sleep. I've seen
nearly all the films directed by Rene Cardona Jr. and I would rank
this one at the very bottom of his food chain. It's uninvolving,
moves at a very slow pace (Making a snail look like an Indy 500 race
car) and is just plain unappetizing. Even the music score, by the
usually dependable Riz Ortolani (billed here as "Ritz Ortolani"; CASTLE
OF BLOOD - 1964), is bland and unappealing, like eating
crackers and drinking water. Okay, enough with the food metaphors.
There is about 20 minutes of plot in this 119-minute film, so if you
want to be bored for two hours, or if you are looking for a cure to
your insomnia, by all means watch this film. All others are warned to
stay away. This film's idea of "entertainment" is to show a
passenger slitting the poor dog's throat, collecting its blood in a
bucket and giving it to a gravely hurt passenger as a substitute for
water! If this is your idea of "entertainment", then you'll
probably like this film. I didn't.
Also known as TERROR STORM
and TORNADO, this film
never received a theatrical or VHS release in the United States,
making its first appearance on these shores as an uncut widescreen DVD
from Synapse Films in
2005. VCI Entertainment
then released an edited fullscreen 100-minute version on a
stand-alone DVD in 2007 and then as a double
feature DVD, with Cardona Jr.'s THE
BERMUDA TRIANGLE, both of the DVDs missing the dog killing,
all of the graphic cannibalism scenes and the sharks eating half of
the survivors (even though it is obvious that the sharks are swimming
away with pieces of raw meat in their jaws!), earning it a PG-13
Rating (Many budget DVDs
that followed were also the 100-minute version). The uncut version is
available streaming on Amazon Prime, free to Prime members. It, like
the Synapse DVD, is Not Rated, even though Amazon mistakenly gives it
a PG-13 Rating. No Blu-Ray at the time of this review. Also
featuring Milton Rodriguez (MASSACRE
IN DINOSAUR VALLEY - 1985), Carlos East (DEAD
AIM - 1971) and Erika Carlsson (DEMONOID
- 1981). Not Rated.
DANGEROUS
GAME (1988) -
Excellent Australian thriller about a psychotic cop with a huge
grudge against a college
student, whose deceased father once made trouble for the cop. He
harasses the student so much that he is suspended from the force.
When the student and four of his college pals break into a secured
department store on a bet, the cop follows them in and teaches a
deadly lesson. While the plot could describe dozens of horror films (HIDE
AND GO SHRIEK
- 1987 comes to mind), this one stands head and shoulders above the
rest due to believable acting, great camerawork, flashy editing and
zippy sound (it must be heard in stereo for full effect). This is
everything PSYCHO
COP
(1989) was not. Starring Miles Buchanan, Sandie Lillingston and
Kathryn Walker. Directed with verve and zest by Stephen Hopkins (A
NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 5
- 1988; PREDATOR
2
- 1990). From Academy
Entertainment. Rated
R.
THE
DARK (1979) - I'm a fan of
director/actor John "Bud" Cardos (KINGDOM
OF THE SPIDERS - 1977; SKELETON
COAST - 1987), but this film is one hot mess. This was
originally a zombie film directed by Tobe Hooper, but when Producer
Edward L. Montoro saw the dailies, he fired Hooper, hired Cardos and
decided to change it from a zombie film to a film about an alien
serial killer by adding a ridiculous on-screen scrawl in the
beginning (read by a narrator just in case you couldn't read) about
life on other planets not being that friendly, freeze-frame the
zombie footage and add bad optical effects where the now-alien has
glowing eyes that shoot laser beams, put gibberish alien language on
the soundtrack every time there is a murder and forgot to change
other plot points to disguise the fact that it was actually a zombie
film (such as a newspaper headline declaring a "Mangler
Zombie" is on the loose). The film begins with a young girl
being beheaded by some unknown killer (the "alien's" modus
operendi, which is never clearly shown in any of the killings) and
then mangling her face. She was the daughter of ex-con turned
successful horror author Roy Warner (William Devane; who first acts
like he has a bad case of tuberculosis and then miraculously stops his
coughing fits about 15 minutes into the film!), who harasses police
detective Dave Mooney (Richard Jaeckel) to keep him updated on his
progress, something that pisses off Dave since he put Roy in the
slammer three years earlier on a manslaughter charge! Dave and his
partner Detective Jack Bresler (Biff Elliot; who always has a piece
of food in his mouth or hands in every scene he is in) are always in
hot water because the killer keeps on beheading and mangling a new
victim every night and their Captain (Warren Kemmerling) is chewing
them out because there is a leak in the department and the newspapers
are calling the killer "The Mangler". An entertainment TV
reporter named Zoe Owens (Cathy Lee Crosby) talks her boss Sherm
(Keenan Wynn) into letting her become a serious reporter and start
covering The Mangler case. She says something unflattering about Roy
(who uses the name "Steve Dupree" when he writes his books)
on TV and when they meet in a bar, Roy says to her: "If we were
both liberated, I would knock you on your ass!". While Roy
travels the streets in his silver Corvette listening to his police
radio for clues, Dave and Jack get a visit from a psychic named De
Renzy (Jacquelyn Hyde), who tells them they should be following a
young wannabe actor, who she says will soon be a victim of The
Mangler. The detectives write her off as some kook, but she does have
some psychic connection to the killer (which is never explained).
Eventually, Roy and Zoe team-up and believe what De Renzy has to say
(De Renzy is psychically attacked in her house in one of the film's
many head-scratching scenes, which also includes a pointless scene of
Sherm in an underground garage) and try to find out the identity of
the wannabe actor. When they do, they follow him and then the alien
starts going after them, which brings out Dave, Roy and the entire
police force out in force to battle the alien, who shoots death rays
from his eyes (killing some police in a puff of smoke and setting
others on fire) while the police riddle it with bullets and shotgun
blasts. Eventually the alien blows up and peace is restored to the
city, but another added-on end crawl warns us that it may happen
again, maybe sooner than we think. It's easy to see that this
was a troubled production right from the start, because the direction
by Hooper and Cardos couldn't be more different and it sticks out
like a sore thumb (you can tell immediately which director shot which
footage). There's a lot of great genre vets in the cast (including
the late Casey Kasem as the police pathologist and the late John
Bloom as the killer; they worked together before on THE
INCREDIBLE 2-HEADED TRANSPLANT - 1970, in which Cardos was
the Second Unit Director) and cameos by Philip Michael Thomas as a
bigoted onlooker at one of the murder scenes, who is listed as
"Corn Rows" in the credits, and diminutive Angelo Rossitto
as a newspaper seller (who is horribly dubbed and uncredited), but
the film is such a jumbled mess, that is all the enjoynemt you'll
find here. There is some violence, but since just before The Mangler
attacks, the lights go out, so it's hard to make out anything.
There's no nudity, a smattering of comedy and some risable dialogue
(screenplay by Stanford Whitmore; MY
OLD MAN'S PLACE - 1971, also starring Devane), but nothing
to make it a must-see for anyone other than those who must see every
bad horror film ever made. The late Lee Frost
was Second Unit Camera Operator and Dick Clark was one of the
Producers. Also starring Vivian Blaine, William Derringer, Jay
Lawrence, Russ Marin, Vernon Washington, Ken Minyard, Kathy Richards
(mother to Paris Hilton) and Mel Anderson. Originally available on
VHS from Media
Home Entertainment and then released on anamorphic widescreen
DVD from Shriek Show, who also offer it in a DVD
three pack, with the films THE
BEING (1981) and CREATURES
FROM THE ABYSS (1994). Released theatrically by Montoro's Film
Ventures International, where, in this film, you can see posters
of FVI's releases BEYOND
THE DOOR (1974) and THE
NIGHT CHILD (1975). Soon to be available on Blu-Ray
from Code Red. Rated R.
THE
DARK (1993) -
An undiscovered species of prehistoric animal is discovered hiding
beneath a cemetery,
sustaining its' existence by eating dead bodies. A scientist (Stephen
McHattie; SEARCH
FOR THE GODS - 1976; LOOK
WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ROSEMARY'S
BABY - 1976) wants to capture the creature alive because it
secretes a substance which has mysterious healing powers (the
creature saved McHatties life two years earlier by spreading
its secretion on a fatal bullet wound). A psychotic ex-FBI
agent (the late B-movie staple Brion James; DEAD
MAN WALKING - 1987; MOM
- 1989), who administered the fatal bullet wound to McHattie, wants
to kill the creature to avenge his partners death. The two
converge at the cemetery (along with an assortment of other people)
to do their thing with the creature. This reviewer was rooting for
the creature, as every person in the cast displays a serious lack of
common sense. Filled with improbable situations, this film could use
a good dose of reality to make heads or tails of the hackneyed plot.
It falls flat at every turn. Also starring Cynthia Belliveau, Jaimz
Woolvett and Neve Campbell (SCREAM
- 1997). Its another Canadian tax shelter film directed by
Craig Pryce, who also made the disasterous REVENGE
OF THE RADIOACTIVE REPORTER
(1989). From Imperial
Entertainment Video. Rated
R.
DARK
BAR (1989) - This late-in-the-game
Italian mystery film barely qualifies as a giallo flick, but it
contains some odd choices and a villain that looks like he has a
beard that was trimmed by a blind man (you will know what I mean when
you see the film). The film opens with Elizabeth (Barbara Cupisti; STAGEFRIGHT
- 1987) calling her sister Anna (Marina Suma; SWEETS
FROM A STRANGER - 1987) and telling her that they need to
talk (they have been estranged for some time), she is leaving on a
long trip and need to talk to tell her something important, but Anna
is blow-drying her hair and doesn't hear the phone ring, Elisabeth's
message being recorded on
Anna's tape answering machine. It is obvious that Elizabeth is
working as an expensive prostitute, as she gets a phone call telling
her to meet a man at an arranged time and place; her clothes for the
evening (which includes a red raincoat) and money being left in a
locker at the train station. We then see Elizabeth putting a black
book in a plastic bag and going to the train station to pick up the
bag containing the clothes and the money. She then takes a boat to
the island home of the mysterious Wilma (Alessandra Stordy; CONCORDE
AFFAIRE '79 - 1979). She hides the black book under some hay
in a hut on Wilma's property and instead of meeting her john at the
arranged time and place, Elizabeth (wearing the red raincoat) goes to
the Dark Bar, a hipster joint full of strange people and even
stranger music. Elizabeth walks into the ladies room in the bar and
is met by a man wearing a dark overcoat, fedora and black gloves, who
shoots Elizabeth and locks her dead body in one of the stalls after
searching her body and purse for something and not finding it (care
to guess what it is?). Elizabeth's body is then found the following
morning by two horny members of the janitorial staff, who have sex in
the stall next to the one Elizabeth's body is in.
The film then switches to Anna, who is a trombonist in a freeform
jazz band, who is about to hit the "big time" as a solo
artist (A female trombone player becoming a solo artist? C'mon now!).
After finishing her set with the band, she goes home and listens to
her phone messages, hearing Elizabeth's message for the first time.
She calls Elizabeth, but gets no answer and becomes concerned (The
police eventually call her to tell her that her sister is dead), but
the killer and his partner now think that Anna has Elizabeth's black
book, which we find out is a diary. Elizabeth was forced to become a
prostitute for the city's largest crime syndicate, but Elizabeth
thought she could make a bundle of money by writing down everything
she knows about the syndicate, including her clients, in her diary
and then bribing them for a huge payday. Yes, Elizabeth was a stupid
broad who was always high on drugs, so her brain was not working
properly. She has now put her sister in danger because the two
killers are now after her. Anna joins forces with Elizabeth's
sometimes boyfriend Marco (Richard Hatch; LEATHERNECKS
- 1988), who works as a projectionist at a film club, to try and find
the diary. We then see that Wilma has the diary (it seems Elizabeth
use to hide her drugs in the same place she put her diary) and she
has her assistant Lubka (Olivia Cupisti; THE
CHURCH - 1989) read her the last page of the diary, which
clues the viewer in on Elizabeth's plans to get rich. After hearing
it, Wilma tells Lubka to put the diary back where she found it, not
knowing that Elizabeth is now dead (or does she?). What follows next
is your standard "Get the black book before the bad guys
do", as the two killers try to murder both Anna and Marco. It
seems Wilma is actually blind and Elizabeth was her drug supplier
(she's hooked on morphine). You see, Wilma was Elizabeth and Anna's
father's mistress, who killed their father in an automobile accident,
in which Wilma was driving and Elizabeth and Anna were in the back
seat. Wilma became a drug addict due to the pain medication she was
on from the accident and Elizabeth also became hooked when she became
Wilma's drug mule. It all ends at Wilma's palatial estate, where one
of the bad guys tries to give Wilma a hotshot, but she grabs the
syringe and shoves it in his eye, killing him. Anna and Marco fight
the other killer by the hut, accidentally setting the hut on fire,
destroying the diary, as Anna pumps a few bullets into the killer's
chest. Anna then walks into the ocean, dips her hair in the water and
flings her wet hair back. THE END. WTF?!?
While the film doesn't offer many thrills or scares, it manages to
entertain nonetheless, but not in a way that will sastisfy giallo
fans. The chief killer (Mauro Festa) and his strange beard will make
you look twice and Richard Hatch as Marco is the least likely hero in
any mystery film, as he is about as useful as tits on a rock. For
some reason he limps along on one leg, telling Anna that he hurt his
foot. I don't know if this was intentional (to give his character
some character) or if it was a real injury, but there is a foot chase
in the film that will also make you look twice as Marco limps along
at a fast clip trying to catch up with Anna, who is being chased by
the killers.. He really doesn't have much to do here and the
film suffers every time he is on screen (It's like he isn't trying
to act at all). There is also a car chase full of continuity errors,
as the car chasing our heroes is always a different distance away
with every edit. This is the second and final film for
director/screenwriter Stelio Fiorenza (he died in 2006), who worked
as an Assistant Director on director Mario Gariazzo's (a.k.a.
"Roy Garrett") VERY
CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE FOURTH KIND (1978) and PLAY
MOTEL (1979), which would help explain some of the awful
choices this film made, as Gariazzo was a notorious badfilm director,
who also gave us THE
EERIE MIDNIGHT HORROR SHOW (1974) and AMAZONIA:
THE CATHERINE MILES STORY (1985), among others. While I
wouldn't call this film bad, I would say it is ordinary in its
execution. There are few thrills, chills or scares, just a standard
chase/murder mystery, where the mystery is given away before the film
is even halfway through, a sin for a giallo flick. But I will say
this: If you have nothing better to watch, this will do in a pinch.
Just don't expect too much and you may enjoy yourself. There is
plenty of nudity, some bloody violence (the hypodermic needle in the
eye being the film's highlight) and some good photography (by Franco
Delli Colli; THE LAST MAN ON EARTH
- 1964; ZEDER: REVENGE OF
THE DEAD - 1983) to keep your eyes occupied. As far as your
brain goes, that's up to you. I didn't love this film, but I didn't
hate it, either. It's just not remarkable in any way, but the
killers' choice of weapon, guns, is unusual for a giallo film, as the
killer usually uses some sort of bladed weapon, making the victims
suffer before they die. Not here, though, as they get shot and die instantly.
I can't finish this review without mentioning the crazy song that
plays throughout the film. It's a jazz tune where a woman sings
strings of words that seems like a stream of consciousness rant. None
of the sentences (or stanzas, if you will) make any sense, yet it is
engrossing to listen to. If you decide to watch this film, you will
know exactly what I mean. Otherwise, the music score, by Carlo
Siliotto (THE PUNISHER -
2004), is much too sedate for the film, not giving the story a chance
to be memorable in a way good music would. This film got very little
distribution outside of Italy, even though it was obviously filmed in
English. I could find no home video releases outside of Italy in any
format. If you want to watch the film, you can find it
streaming on YouTube, in a nice anamorphic widescreen print on
channel "Film&Clips", which seems to be the only choice
there is, as I could not find it available anywhere else. Also
featuring Patrizia Bettini, Lea Martino (GRAVEYARD
DISTURBANCE - 1988), Rosenda Scharschmidt (URBAN
WARRIORS - 1987), Vincenzo Regina (APPOINTMENT
IN BLACK - 1990) and Maurizio Panici as the
Hitler-mustachioed barman at the titled establishment. Not Rated.
DARK
HARVEST (2003) - The killer
scarecrow genre is a small lot: There's the 1981 TV Movie DARK
NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW (considered the granddaddy of
scarecrow horror films), the excellent SCARECROWS (1988),
the so-so NIGHT
OF THE SCARECROW (1995), the lame York Entertainment
Scarecrow Trilogy (SCARECROW [2002],
SCARECROW SLAYER
[2003] and SCARECROW GONE WILD
[2004]), the completely idiodic MESSENGERS
2: THE SCARECROW (2009; watch it and you'll understand
completely), the better-than-average HUSK
(2011), and this one, the worst of the lot. After a good start set in
the 1930's, the film degenerates quickly once it comes forward to the
present, when adopted teenager Sean (Don DiGiulio) inherits a farm in
the West Virginia mountains from his real family and brings a bunch
of his obnoxious friends (his girlfriend, an interracial couple, a
lesbian couple, etc.) along to check it out. After constant bickering
between the group, some pot smoking and, of course, sex, they are
attacked by scarecrows come to life. Besides a couple of good gore
scenes (and plenty of bad ones) there's not much to recommend here.
Director/Writer Paul Moore, who you can plainly see is working on a
miniscule budget, does get some atmospheric shots on location and
some scares in the scarecrow attacks, but this is typical
cookie-cutter stuff. The scarecrows could just have well been
werewolves, vampires or unkillable psychos. As it stands, DARK
HARVEST wastes it's eerie location with a predictable plot.
The acting by the group of unknowns, including Jeanie Cheek, Jennifer
Leigh, Aimee Cox, Jessica Dunphy and especially B.W. York, is way
below par. The only saving grace is some behind-the-scenes footage
that rolls during the end credits. It's an interesting look into what
goes on behind the cameras even if it was only put in there to pad
out the running time. A Lions
Gate Home Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R. Believe it
or not, two sequels
followed, although they are in-name only.
DAY
OF THE DEAD: BLOODLINE (2017) -
I wish someone would give me a reasonable answer to this question:
Why do people think they have to remake a film that is already a
horror classic? DAY OF THE DEAD
(1985) is my favorite George A. Romero zombie film and it still
stands up today. This was already remade as an abysmal
film in 2007 and, while this one isn't as bad as that remake, it
is missing something that the original had in spades: '80s blood and
gore, free of CGI and all practical, back when people used their
imagination and ingenuity to pull off bloody effects that were more
original than they are today. Back then, audiences could believe that
zombies were real, but computer effects, which don't take the law of
physics into consideration, make audiences feel that this could not
possibly happen. That is one reason where this film fails.
Besides the flashback opening, this film actually follows the
original's plot. Zoe (Sophie Skelton) is a medical student at a
teaching hospital.
When the body of an obese man who died of influenza is brought into
the morgue, he turns into a zombie (no explanation on why this has
happened). He bites Max (Johnathon Schaech; ARSENAL
- 2016), a pervert with a rare blood type, who tries to rape Zoe (He
carved her name into his wrist and shows it to Zoe, who is repulsed).
Within four hours, the town is crawling with zombies. Right away, we
know that these zombies are fast-moving and not mindless, as one
zombie breaks the window of a car with a rock to get to his prey
(Unlike zombie films of yore, when you were safe in a locked car).
This film also takes zombieism to new heights, as when you are
bitten, you don't just bleed. The initial bite causes the blood to
erupt out of the body like a volcano.
Five years later, Zoe is working in an underground military bunker,
trying to find a cure for the zombie virus. When Zoe and some
military personnel leave the bunker to find some meds Zoe needs for
the cure, they are attacked by zombies and unknowingly bring back a
zombie who has the smarts to hide under a military vehicle. That
zombie is Max (this film's "Bub") who, because of his rare
blood type, has become half-human/half-zombie. Max is intelligent
enough to avoid detection and makes his way through the bunker's air
ducts to get to his intended goal: Zoe. Unfortunately, the rest of
the film is basic Horror 101, as Max picks off people one-by-one
before he is captured by Zoe (he wanted her to capture him). Zoe uses
him as a guinea pig, thinking he is the answer to reversing the
zombie plague. Zoe must also deal with the temperamental head of the
bunker, Lt. Miguel Salazar (Jeff Gum), who zigs when everyone else
zags (He is this film's "Rhodes", who was played by Joseph
Pilato in the original). Max still has the hots for Zoe, refusing to
bite her and letting her draw his blood without fear. Zoe needs some
zombies to experiment on, so some military men (without Miguel's
permission) let some zombies in through the fence that surrounds the
bunker. It gets out of hand and the zombies break the perimeter,
surrounding the bunker, trying to find a way in.
Sadly, this film fails to generate the suspense of the original,
especially the ending where a horde of zombies invade the bunker and
Max breaks free (Unlike the original, Max doesn't even give Miguel
the fate he so richly deserves. Another zombie we never have seen
before does.). While "modern" audiences may find Romero's
film slow-going, this film glosses-over many of the sequences that
made the original so memorable, especially the scene where military
men capture zombies by putting a choke harness around their necks.
There is also an over-reliance on using CGI bullet squibs, especially
for head shots. As a matter of fact, this film is so quickly paced
that the audience has no time to feel sympathy or hatred for many of
the characters, especially when they die or turn. And, therefore,
that is where this film fails. Unlike the nihilistic ending of the
original, Zoe finds a cure and saves the world. In the canon of
Romero remakes, this one falls behind DAWN
OF THE DEAD (2004) and THE CRAZIES
(2010) and slightly above the 2007 remake. The fact is this film is
not very good, especially by making Max such an unsympathetic
character (he comes across as a half-zombie rapist and he talks!).
Bub, in the original, got a standing ovation when he saluted Rhodes
as zombies tore him in half. There's none of that to be found here.
Directed by Hèctor Hernández Vicens (THE
CORPSE OF ANNA FRITZ - 2015). Also starring Marcus Vanco,
Lillian Blankenship, Ulyana Chan and Mark Rhino Smith. A Lionsgate
Blu-Ray Release. Rated R.
DEAD
& BREAKFAST (2004) -
I know: Just what we need, another zombie comedy. Only this one is
slightly different. It also has musical interludes, sung and written
by Zach Selwyn, who narrates the film using Country, Rap and Hip-Hop
(sometimes mixing all three
together) to keep the film moving at a snappy pace. An RV full of
people (including Ever Carradine, Jeremy Sisto, Erik Palladino and
Gina Philips) get lost on a way to a wedding and end up in the town
of Lovelock (or "Lovecock" as Palladino calls it). They
decide to stay the night there and end up in a Bed & Breakfast
owned by the mysterious Mr. Wise (David Carradine [Ever's Uncle], in
what amount to a cameo) and run by a nasty French chef (Diedrich
Bader), When Bader is murdered and Mr. Wise has a heart attack and
dies, the Sheriff (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) demands that they all stay in
town until the murder is solved. When the Sheriff arrests a drifter
(Brent David Fraser) for the crimes, everything seems back to normal
except when one of the gang opens an Oriental box containing an evil
spirit (or "Kuman Thong" as it is normally known) who
begins possessing the townspeople. The only way to kill them is to
cut off their heads or shoot them in the brain (how original). Most
of the cast becomes possessed and it is up to the remaining three
survivors to stop this menace by digging up the body of Mr. Wise,
burning it and fashioning knives out of his bones (don't ask).
There's beheadings, dismemberment, brains being blown out and
impalements aplenty, but it is Selwyn's witty tunes that carry the
show. He even sings after he becomes a zombie! Director Matthew
Leutwyler (ROAD
KILL
- 1999) thankfully keeps the running time short (88 minutes) and
fills the screen with enough carnage, comedy (Palladino's motorcycle
take-off is a hoot) and music to keep your mind off the gaping plot
holes. And you got to love those homemade shotguns! DEAD
& BREAKFAST also contains a cameo by Portia de Rossi as
the profane bride, a drumstick in the eye, a deer antler impalement,
chainsaw murders and human heads used as hand puppets. What more
could you ask for? Also starring Vincent Ventresca, Oz Perkins,
Bianca Lawson, Miranda Bailey and Mark Kelly. An Anchor
Bay Entertainment Release. Unrated. Someone should
release a soundtrack album. It would probably make more money than
the film itself.
DEADLY
EYES (1982) - This Golden Harvest
production, based on James Herbert's novel THE RATS (also the film's
alternate title), is not as bad as you might have heard. Since it
never got a major release in movie houses, I caught this on cable.
The film involves a pack of oversized rats terrorizing a community
and the people who try to stop them. The rats (actually dressed-up
dashchunds) also happen to be intelligent. Add in some dirty politics
and you have a stew that, for some reason, is strangely satisfying. I
won't give much of the plot away, but the scene in the disabled
subway car towards the end of the film is particularly meaty.
Director Robert Clouse (ENTER
THE DRAGON
- 1973; the extremely weird GYMKATA
- 1985) builds suspense throughout and the attack scenes are well
handled. Besides, any film with Scatman Crothers (THE
SHINING - 1980) in it can't be all bad. This is not a bad
way to spend 87 minutes. DEADLY EYES
stars Sam Groom, Sara Botsford, Cec Linder, Lisa Langlois and James
B. Douglas. A Warner Bros. Home Video VHS Release. Available on DVD
& Blu-Ray in an excellent combo pack from Scream
Factory. Rated R.
THE
DEADLY INTRUDER (1984) - When
a violent mental patient (whose face we do not see) escapes the
looney bin and begins killing the populace of a sleepy town, it is up
to Police Captain Pritchett (a tired-looking Stuart Whitman) and his
two-person police
team Danny and Carlos (Daniel Greene and Santos Morales) to catch him
before he kills anyone else. Could the killer be the drifter
(screenwriter Tony Crupi), who just came into town? Or ex-Partridge
Family troublemaker Danny Bonaduce (who spouts such lines as,
"Cooking without garlic is like sex without foreplay")? How
about the flatulent police dog (OK, that one's a stretch)? What about
Bob (Chris Holder), the new worker at a department store and hopeful
boyfriend of Jessie (Molly Cheek)? When Danny gets an axe planted in
his back and other townspeople, such as a mechanic (who has a car
dropped on him), a female neighbor (who is drowned in the kitchen
sink) and an electrician (who has his eye removed with a screwdriver)
turn up dead, it's not hard to spot who the killer is even though
Police Chief Pritchett is about three steps behind the viewer.
Director John McCauley (RATTLERS
- 1975) telegraphs all the moves, rips-off John Carpenter's theme
from HALLOWEEN (1978) and
plays the stalk-and-slash theme close to the vest. By making Jessie
the target of the unseen killer, you could call this HALLOWEEN-lite,
since she must find different ways to fend off his attacks. Thank
God theres some nudity and gore to take your mind off of the gaping
plot holes (some of them are so huge, you could pass an elephant
through them) and the "surprise" twist, otherwise you will
be hitting the fast-forward button so often that it will look like a
silent film. At least I got to see Danny Bonaduce get his head thrown
through a TV screen. It was almost (I repeat, almost) worth
the price I paid for it on eBay. I
also have one final question to ask: Why in the hell do you stand by
a window if you are trying to hide from a psycho? I've seen this so
many times in films like this that I have to believe that these
airhead women must think that windows do not break. Skip this one and
have a bowel movement instead. In the end it's more satisfying. Also
starring Laura Melton, Marcy Hansen and David Shroeder. Don't expect
this one to turn up on DVD any time soon. A Thorn
EMI Video Release. Rated R.
DEADLY
SUNDAY (1982) - This hostage
thriller, directed by genre vet Donald M. Jones (PROJECT:
NIGHTMARE
- 1985; MURDERLUST
- 1986; HOUSEWIFE FROM HELL
- 1993), is an OK film for fans of movies that put ordinary people in
extraordinary situations. A vacationing family stop by a secluded
roadside store only to be taken hostage by a gang of jewel thieves
who are holed-up there waiting for their partner to come back with
some loot. They, along with other hostages, are subjected to impromtu
target practice, rape, and other degradations before turning the
tables on their captors. The lead villian Gil (Dennis Ely) is an
impotent psychopath who has a deadly fear of bees (which comes in
handy at the end of the film). The partner that the thieves are
waiting for turns out to be a very mean woman who takes pleasure in
torturing the male captives. It culminates in a showdown at the end
where the couple's son Joey (David Wagner) turns out to be the hero,
using his slingshot and a handy hornets nest to get even with the
dastardly Gil. Mom joins in to pump a couple of shots into him for
good measure. While not overly bloody, this film earns points for
bringing out the terror in everyday people as they must endure
situations that most people never even dream about. While most
viewers will find this film slow going, the patient will be rewarded
with a very good finale as we witness both good people and bad
getting killed by gun, knife and slingshot. Also starring Henry
Sanders, Gylian Roland and Douglas Alexander. Written and Produced by
James C. Lane, who also did the same for MURDERLUST.
A Lightning Video
Release which is long OOP. Not Rated.
DEAD
MEAT (2004) - I'm beginning to get
really tired of zombie films. No matter how you dress them up it's
still the same formula: The survivors try to stay one step ahead of
the zombies and usually don't succeed. The films are basically just
one long chase
scene with bits of gore thrown in to keep your interest. This
Irish-made film is no different. A mutant strain of mad cow disease
has caused all the people that have eaten the infected beef to become
zombies. A tourist (Marian Araujo) and a local gravedigger (David
Muyllaert) band together and try to escape the zombies. Along the
way, they pick up a child and a husband and wife who get off on
killing zombies. Nearly everyone is killed, infected or led
away like cattle by the government in the finale (I guess it's
supposed to be ironic). Besides the graphic bloodletting (heads cut
off at the jawline by a shovel, decapitations, impalements, and
various bitings), scenes of sleeping zombies (?) and the appearance
by a zombie cow, this film is the same generic zombie plot. Run,
fight, run. Director/screenwriter Conor McMahon relies way too much
on the SteadiCam as the camera keeps moving at a brisk pace nearly
causing vertigo to the viewer. The film doesn't overstay it's welcome
(it clocks in at under 80 minutes), but I can't really recommend the
film. You've seen this film many times before. One of the actors
(Eoin Whelan) speaks in such a thick Irish brogue, you'll need to
turn on the optional English subtitles to understand what he is
saying. Also starring David Ryan, Amy Redmond and Kathryn Toolan. Not
to be confused with the 1993 horror film DEAD
MEAT, a gory Super 8mm horror flick that got very little
airplay. Released on DVD on the Fangoria
label distributed by Hart
Sharp Video. Rated R.
DEATH
PROMISE (1977) -
Very poor revenge melodrama. Greedy landlords will try anything to
get the poor
tenants to move out of a slum building so they can tear it down and
build a highrise. Charlie (Charles Bonet; DON'T
GO IN THE HOUSE - 1979), a martial artist, and his father
(Bob O'Connell), a former boxer, help protect the tenants from the
landlords' dirty tactics, but when his father is murdered, Charlie
vows revenge. He must first get more training, and travels far away
to bone up with a Chinese master (Tony Liu) who speaks bad English
(therefore leaving all the people behind who actually need him to
fend for themselves). When he is finished with his training, Charlie
is ready to kick ass (I guess it's too bad that some of the tenants
have died during his absence). This is basically an Americanization
of a plot found in hundreds of earlier Chinese kung fu flicks, all
done better than this one. Poorly acted and technically inept (see
how many times you can spot our old friend the "Boom Mike"
in the upper part of the screen, although it is possible that it was
shown open matte and all those mike shots where supposed to be
matted out for a widescreen presentation). Directed by one-time-only
director Robert Warmflash with a case of the hot flashes. Also
starring Vincent Van Lynn, Abe Hendy, Bill Louie. Thomsom Kao Kang,
Thom Kendell and Tony De Caprio. From Paragon
Video on VHS. Also available on DVD
from Code Red in its original
aspect ratio. Rated
R.
WARNING: People who hate the sight of rats may also want to skip this
film. Personally, I think rats are very smart and cuddly if you treat
them right, but other people view them as nothing more than
disease-infested vermin with sharp teeth.
DEATH
ROW DINER (1988) - Another
abysmal 80's SOV film that excels at being incapable of doing anything
right in every department. In the 1940's, film studio head Otis
Wilcox (John Content), is executed in the electric chair for a crime
he did not commit. He didn't get his last meal which makes him very
mad. Cut to the present and third-rate director Bill Weston (an over-acting
Jay Richardson) is filming the story of Otis' execution at the
actual deserted prison. Otis comes back to life and begins killing
the crew, looking for his last meal which consists of human flesh.
Otis grandaughter, Julia (Michelle Bauer, here billed as
"Michelle McClennan"), the main actress on the film and
husband to Weston ("It's not a marriage. It's a punishment from
God."), is having an affair with one of the crew and is trying
to stop her husband from gaining controlling interest of the studio.
The rest of the film is nothing but bad photography (this is video),
long lapses of inane dialogue, grade school gore and terrible acting
(especially by Rick Preston, who plays a caterer dressed liked
Elvis). There's also unneeded narration, by someone who sounds like
they smoked too many cigarettes, throughout the film. There's
numerous mentions of HOLLYWOOD
CHAINSAW HOOKERS
(1988), which starred both Richardson and Bauer (There's a trailer
for it at the end of the tape.). It's not a compliment. Director B.
Dennis Wood should be strung up by his short hairs for unleashing
this at the public. Even BLOOD CULT
(1985) looks professional compared to this. There's also an
unforgivable couple of Oriental jokes at the end of the film. Even at
68 minutes this film seems twice as long. There are bloopers at the
end credits (the best part). Also starring Tom Schell, Dennis Mooney,
Frank Sarcinello and Dana Mason. A Camp
Motion Picture Release. Not Rated. After the film,
there's some trailers and an unexpected short called BIKINI ARM WRESTLING,
where bikini-clad girls dance for an audience and then arm wrestle
each other!
DELIRIUM:
PHOTO OF GIOIA (1987) - A
really weak and late entry in the giallo genre from Lamberto Bava (A
BLADE IN THE DARK - 1983; BLASTFIGHTER
- 1984). It is one part REAR WINDOW
(1954), one part EYES OF
LAURA MARS (1978) and 100% boring.
Big-breasted Gloria (Serena Grandi; ANTHROPOPHAGUS
- 1980: She's called "Gioia" in the Italian version), a
former model, publishes the softcore porn magazine Pussycat. During
one softcore photo shoot at her house, where her brother Tony (Vanni
Corbellini; THE BELLY OF AN ARCHITECT
- 1987) is photographing busty female models feeling each other up,
Gloria gets a phone call from wheelchair-bound neighbor Mark (Karl
Zinny; THE FINAL EXECUTIONER
- 1983), who tells her that he is watching her through a telescope
from his bedroom window. Gloria is disgusted, but she doesn't know
she has a far deadlier fan: A psycho who starts killing her models,
posing their dead bodies with photos of
Gloria in the background (The killer also sees his victims wearing
masks that correspond to his/hers method of killing). The first
victim is Kim (Katrine Michelsen; SPECTERS
- 1987), who gets a pitchfork planted in her stomach and then is
thrown in Gloria's pool (The killer sees her in a very grotesque mask
[see scan at right]). The list of suspects is long. Could it be Mark,
who is in a wheelchair because of a car accident he caused which
killed his fiancee, yet his doctor tells him there is no medical
reason why he can't walk? Could it be Roberto (David Brandon; BEYOND
DARKNESS - 1990), a photographer at Pussycat Magazine, who
is a big fan of Gloria? What about her former lover Alex (George
Eastman; HANDS OF STEEL
- 1986), whom Gloria reconnects with when her life is spiraling out
of control? How about her assistant Evelyn (Daria Nicolodi; DEEP
RED - 1975; PAGANINI HORROR
- 1988), who is always drunk? Or her former manager, Flora (Capucine; RED
SUN - 1971), who threatens to release compromising photos of
Gloria unless she sells her Pussycat Magazine? What about her brother
Tony, who may have incestual feelings for his sister? Or could it be
Gloria herself, who may be killing her models to increase sales of
her magazine?
As you can see, nearly everyone in this film could be the killer,
yet it is quite obvious nearly from the start of the film who the
killer is (The killer can't perform sexually, even with a beautiful
naked model in the killer's bed). The only "hook" this film
has are the masks the victims wear before they are killed. Model
Sabrina (Sabrina Salerno) gets out of the shower and is seen wearing
an insect mask. The killer seals-up her apartment and releases a
swarm of killer bees, which sting Sabrina to death. Otherwise, the
film is a loooong 94 minutes. The acting is horrendous (especially by
Karl Zinny, an obvious red herring, who smiles and laughs at all the
wrong times. He is simply horrible.), the giallo elements old hat
(The clues are in the photographs. Paging Dario Argento!) and the
mystery is not interesting and uninvolving. If it weren't for the
frequent nudity on view, I would have lost interest almost
immediately. The music, by Simon Boswell (Argento's PHENOMENA
- 1984), is particularly grating, as it goes from soft rock and '80s
faux-New Wave to ear-piercing hard rock, causing severe headaches.
This is probably Boswell's worst music score. The screenplay, by
Gianfranco Clerici (THE
NEW YORK RIPPER - 1982) and Daniele Stroppa (WITCHERY
- 1988) is nothing but giallo genre cliches (making everyone look as
guilty as possible) and the unmasking (if it were) of the killer
would only surprise a child. I have always said that director
Lamberto Bava ran hot and cold and this film, shot under the title LE
FOTO DI GIOIA (the title on the print is simply
"Delirium"), is the coldest film of his career. Even when
he films one long chase scene in a single take, it seems like nothing
but leftover Argento. The only unintentional laugh I had was when the
killer receives a shotgun blast to the groin and a doctor tells a
hospitalized Gloria, "He'll need a wheelchair for the rest of
his life", which then sets up the "surprise" CARRIE-like
coda. I have seen better mysteries on PERRY
MASON.
Originally
released on DVD by Media Blasters/Shriek Show early in the New
Millennium, which was uncut and in widescreen. The Blu-Ray, from Code
Red (my review is based on this disc), looks great, but it's not
encoded in Dolby stereo, even though, when it was shown in Italy and
Europe theatrically, it was encoded in Dolby stereo. The extras on
the disc are basically the same ones that are on Code Red's Blu-Ray
of BLASTFIGHTER.
There are 2016 interviews with Bava and George Eastman, who calls
Bava an "idiot" and "half a man". It's obvious
there is some bad blood between the two. The disc also contains an
earlier interview with Eastman (the same extra that is on the Media
Blasters DVD), where he has a different opinion of Bava, proving that
old age has turned Eastman into a crank (He also calls most of the
films he has appeared in "banal and stupid". No wonder he
hasn't worked since 2010!). Also starring Beatrice Kruger, Loredana
Petricca, Gianni Franco, Lino Salemme as "Inspector Corsi"
and Lionello Pio Di Savoia as Mark's doctor. A Code
Red Blu-Ray Release. Not Rated.
THE
DEMON (1979/1981) - Cheap and
confusing South African horror film that copies many elements from HALLOWEEN
(1978), which was recently released when this film was shot. If it
weren't for one out-of-nowhere scene, this film would have been a
complete washout (If you saw this film, you know what I am talking
about). An unknown killer is on the loose in an unnamed town (it
tries to be passed off as some American town, but the Afrikaan
accents say otherwise). We first see the killer
enter a house, where he puts a plastic bag over mother Joan Parker's
(Moira Winslow) head and kidnaps daughter Emily (Ashleigh Sendin).
Mr. Parker (Peter J. Elliott) comes home just in time to save his
wife, but their daughter is nowhere to be found. The police begin a
mass effort to find her, and we see the killer splitting town,
hitching a ride with a talkative driver. While the driver rambles on
(calling his passenger a "captive audience"), he fails to
see the killer putting on black leather gloves with sharp metal
fingernails (a prototype for Freddy Krueger?). The driver then gets
his face slashed while he is driving (!) and dies, with the killer
taking his car to another town. Mr. and Mrs. Parker want to know
whether their daughter is dead or alive (she has been missing for two
months), so they hire former Marine-turned-psychic detective Col.
Bill Carson (Cameron Mitchell; KILLPOINT
- 1984), who tells them that he is not a "witch doctor" but
someone who gained the power of ESP and has helped many police
departments find missing persons. He goes into Emily's bedroom and
begins to act strange, ripping one of Emily's pillows apart. He then
begins to see through the killer's eyes and tells the parents that
they are dealing with an "aberration of the species"
and other things that don't make much sense (I doubt even Mitchell
understood what he was saying!).
In what seems to be a scene from another film (this film tells three
or more stories that never link together), a girl leaving a
disco (where we see people boogieing down to Lipps, Inc.'s song
"Funky Town") is assaulted in an alley by the killer, but
he is stopped from killing her by two motorcyclists who race down the
alley. The killer knocks one off his bike and it explodes (it hits
the wall ever-so-gently and explodes, like a 1979 Ford Pinto!). We
then switch to Emily's father, who asks Carson if his daughter is
alive. All his is able to get is some random gobbledegook, telling
him this about the killer, "He is less than a man and more, much
more than a man" (WTF?!?) and hands him drawings he made when he
saw through the killer's eyes (which would not make a grade-schooler
jealous!). One drawing interests Mr. Parker (of a cheap boarding
house) and he goes there, only to have the killer murder him. We then
see two boys playing with walkie-talkies in a park, when they scream,
discovering a female skeleton in a tree (I guess it is supposed to be
Emily's but the film doesn't let us know whether it is or it isn't,
but what happens next tells us it probably is).
In the scene I was talking about in the beginning of the review,
Carson goes to Mrs. Parker to pay his respect, when she pulls out a
revolver and shoots him between the eyes! We never know if she is
grief-stricken or just mad at Carson for not finding her daughter
alive and causing the death of her husband, but she says something
like. "I bet you never saw this coming" before shooting him
(I believe there is a third reason: Mitchell had a one or two day
shooting schedule and the production couldn't afford to shoot the
remaining scenes as written because Mitchell would have demanded more
money). The middle third of the film really drags as we are
introduced to pre-school teachers (and cousins) Mary (Jennifer
Holmes; RAW FORCE -
1981; also with Cameron Mitchell) and Jo (Zoli Markey). We get to
know more than we ever need to know about their private and love
lives (too much, if you ask me) and it is obvious that they are just
meat for the killer's plate. But which one will survive?
This
Public Domain (PD) film contains long stretches of nothingness,
followed by non-bloody violence (the killer uses his gloves, but we
never see the result of their use). In the film's favor, there is
plenty of female nudity and some good camerawork (the 360° pan
around the outside of Mary's house is really effective), as is
Mitchell's shocking death but, like I said, that was probably never
scripted and was a budget necessity. The only person we can blame for
this meandering piece of horror filmmaking is
director/producer/screenwriter Percival Rubens (SURVIVAL
ZONE - 1982), who doesn't even bother to give us a reason
why the killer is doing this, he just kills for no rhyme or reason.
Also making matters confusing is that the killer wears a white mask,
but in some scenes, he is seen not wearing the mask and then wearing
it again. I don't know if Rubens was going for something supernatural
or if it was just lazy filmmaking, but the finale, where Mary kills
the menace, by stabbing him in the neck with scissors and he falls
(slowly) into the bathtub, it is plain to see he is not wearing the
mask, but when the camera lingers on him for the closing
shot, he is wearing it, causing Mary to scream. If it is
supposed to mean something, it got lost in the translation from page
to screen. The only good thing I can say about this film is that
Craig Gardner, who played Jo's rich boyfriend Dean Turner, is very
good. We get invested in their relationship, only to have them
uncerimoniously killed by the Demon (Is he a demon???). There is also
a lot of talk about meditation and out of body experiences (OOBE),
topics which were popular when this film was made, but doesn't help
this film's languid pacing. But there is something about this film
that makes me watch it when I can't decide on what to view. I don't
know whether I hope to find something nice to say about it or whether
I am just a masochist, but I have seen this film at least a dozen
times and still have the same opinion about it. Not good, but not
awful, either. It just is.
Released theatrically in the United States by Gold Key
Entertainment, this film (also known as MIDNIGHT
CALLER) had many VHS releases thanks to its Public Domain
status (the first one being from Thorn/EMI
Video). It also had countless budget DVD and DVD compilation
releases and was one of the first films to be released on disc (by
Diamond Entertainment). This review is based on the double
feature DVD from Alpha Video,
with the film PANIC
(1982; using the title MONSTER
OF BLOOD). The print is soft, but watchable, like many of
Alpha's DVDs. Made in 1979 (we see a theater marquee displaying THE
AMITYVILLE HORROR - 1979), but not released until 1981. Also
starring Mark Tanous (Jennifer Holmes' new husband at the time. They
filmed this days after they got married!), George Korelin & Vera
Blacker as Mary's nosy neighbors, April Galetti,Jannie Wienand,John
Parsonson and Graham Kennard as The Demon. Rated R.
DEMON
LUST (1980)
-
Weak German-made, English language entry in the terror in the
woods genre. A vacationing
married couple (The wife was raped as a child by a stranger bearing
candy. Christ on a cracker, even I wasn't that stupid [Unless it was
a Chunky Bar. I'd go down on a filthy hobo for a tasty Chunky Bar]!)
are stalked in the country by a pair of drifters (one being a
retarded mute). The wife is raped (this time without being offered
candy first) and her husband is tied up like a dog. The husband
escapes while the drifters are taking a dump in the woods(!). He
grabs his wife and they both flee to town. Instead of reporting the
crimes to the police (he doesnt want his wife to go through
another rape trial), the husband grabs a shotgun and returns to the
country, determined to get even with the drifters. Very few surprises
follow. In order for a film like this to work, the victims must be
sympathetic and the villians must be brutal. Everyone in this film
comes off as weak or wimpish and the entire proceedings are bloodless
and lethargic. Avoid it. Starring John Parsonson (who also produced),
Lieb Bester and Tessa Marie Ziegler. Directed and written by Bernard
Buys, who was Associate Producer and Sound Recordist on the 1979
stinker horror film THE DEMON.
The excellent photography is by Hanro Mohr, who later directed the
Wings Hauser actioner HOSTAGE
(1987). From Genesis Home Video. Not
Rated,
but it would probably get a PG-13
if it were. Also known on TV as SAVAGE
ENCOUNTER.
DEMONSTONE (1989) - R. Lee Ermey made a distinct impression on me when he appeared as the tough, filthy-mouthed drill sargeant in Stanley Kubrick's FULL METAL JACKET (1987). He has since starred in his fair share of stinkers, including ENDLESS DESCENT (a.k.a. THE RIFT - 1989), KID (1990) and THE TERROR WITHIN 2 (1991), but he has always seemed to rise above the material. Even he seems embarrassed appearing in this one, a poor tale about an ancient demon occupying the body of a woman (Nancy Everhard). Watching Nancy running around with glowing eyes results in laughter, not what director Andrew Prowse had in mind. Co-stars Jan Michael Vincent (a tipoff that you are about to watch some emoting straight from a bottle of Jack Daniels). A Fries Home Video Release. Rated R.
DESERT KICKBOXER (1992) - Abysmal martial arts film about a Native American Indian cop (John Haymes Newton) protecting a woman (Judie Aronson) and her retarded brother (Sam DeFrancisco), who are witnesses against drug runner Paul L. Smith (SONNY BOY - 1989). Full of badly staged action sequences and even worse acting. Michael Foley (THE DIVINE ENFORCER - 1991) shows up in this one as one of Smith's goons and has an extended fight scene with Newton. Foley has a presence and is the only bright spot in this dull film. Directed by action specialist Isaac Florentine (born "Yitzhak Florentin"; this was his first full-length film, so some allowances should be made), who usually shows a much steadier hand than this (HIGH VOLTAGE - 1997; COLD HARVEST - 1998; BRIDGE OF DRAGONS - 1999; U.S. SEALS 2 - 2001; SPECIAL FORCES - 2002; UNDISPUTED II: LAST MAN STANDING - 2006; THE SHEPHERD: BORDER PATROL - 2008; NINJA - 2009; UNDISPUTED III: REDEMPTION - 2010; ASSASSIN'S BULLET - 2012; NINJA II: SHADOW OF A TEAR - 2013). Florentine's next film would be SAVATE (1995), a martial arts Western starring Olivier Gruner. An HBO Video Release. Rated R.
DIAL:
HELP (1988) - We have seen the
telephone used as an instrument of death in many films, such as the
Charles Bronson flick TELEFON
(1977), MURDER BY PHONE
(1982) with Richard Chamberlain, Robert Englund's directorial debut 976-EVIL
(1988) and Jim Wynorski's 1991 sequel,
but you'll never see a phone used in such a way as in this film,
directed/co-written by Ruggero Deodato. Yes sir, it's a damn weird
film, but is it worth your precious time? It all depends. Read on...
Jenny Cooper (Charlotte Lewis; THE
GOLDEN CHILD - 1986) is a model/actress and somewhat of an
amateur psychic who dials a wrong number and gets a room full of
cobweb-filled reel-to-reel tape recorders that suddenly come to life,
somehow killing a cleaning woman who hears the phone ringing and
picks it up. Jenny starts receiving a series of strange phone calls
that affect her life dramatically. One phone call shatters a mirror
in front of her and another phone call kills all the fish in a large
tank in her apartment. She rightfully becomes creeped out and asks
next door neighbor Riccardo (Marcello Modugno; YOU'LL
DIE AT MIDNIGHT - 1986) to spend the night at her apartment
so she's not alone. When Jenny falls asleep, her phone makes a
strange ringtone, causing Carlo to walk out to the apartment building
roof in a trance, where he tries to commit suicide by jumping off the
roof, but Jenny saves him in the nick of time, slapping the shit out
of him until he snaps out of the trance. Jenny then asks a phone
company friend to check out the phone system in her apartment complex
to see if anything unusual is going on. He, indeed, finds something
strange, it's like everyone in the world is talking on the same line
but, before he can do anything,
the phone kills him, tossing his body through a plate glass window in
front of Jenny. Then things get really weird.
In a deserted subway station, a stalker tries to rape Jenny, but a
pay phone begins spitting coins like bullets, turning the rapist's
face into hamburger, killing him. Jenny escapes on an empty subway
car, where the intercom system begins saying thing like, "Come
join us Jenny!" and "We need you Jenny!" What in the
world is going on? I think it is better to say what not in this world
is going on?
Jenny begins to believe that the phone wants to kill her, any phone,
especially when she goes to her photographer friend Carmen's (Carola
Stagnaro; TERROR AT
THE OPERA - 1987) house and finds her dead, hanging from a
phone cord wrapped around her neck. When a phone cord tries to grab
Jenny, she escapes once again. Riccardo does some research at the
university and discovers that a certain Professor Irving Klein
(William Berger; THE
SPIDER LABYRINTH - 1988) can help Jenny, as he believes
there is an "energy" in this world that is unknown and
deadly and once it attaches itself to a person, there is little that
can be done to make it go away. Jenny and Riccardo meet the Professor
at the airport, but before he can help Jenny, the energy attacks,
exploding the pacemaker out of the Professor's chest! The energy then
starts to "play" with Jenny sexually, making her writhe
around in the bathtub (in her underwear) in a sexual frenzy. When
Riccardo knocks on the bathroom door, it snaps Jenny out of her
trance and she jumps out of the bathtub just before an electric phone
comes flying through the bathroom window and lands in the bathtub
water. Why does this energy want Jenny and her friends dead and can
Jenny find a safe place to hide with no phones nearby?
Sure, this film is silly and it doesn't help that director Ruggero
Deodato (JUNGLE HOLOCAUST
- 1976; CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST
- 1980; CUT AND RUN
- 1985) plays everything that happens here seriously, which is why
this film doesn't work. The idea of common electric appliances
turning deadly is certainly not a new idea, as the film PULSE
(1988) showed us (and it was done so much better than this film), but
the lack of a proper explanation on why this is happening and the
serious tone are the film's biggest distractions. It also doesn't
help that the characters within this film do the stupidest things
possible at the worse times, such as Jenny using the phone at the
airport after meeting the Professor, which causes his death. I mean,
if you are so scared of the phone, why would you use one??? The
screenplay, by Deodato and husband and wife team Joseph & Mary
Cavara (their only film credit), is full of stupid people doing
idiotic things, which makes this film a waste of celluloid. It isn't
even good for an unintentional laugh. Add to that a total lack of
nudity (although the beautiful Charlotte Lewis walks around in a
minimal amount of clothing) and you'll be saying, "Why
bother?" It should be noted that a couple of deaths are gory and
you will see some electric appliances do things they were never meant
to do (A ceiling fan drops to the floor and keeps spinning, trying to
stop Riccardo from saving Jenny by cutting his legs off at the ankles
[but failing]; phones of all types doing acrobatic stunts; and other
awfulness), but it's all done without a hint of imagination or
pinache, making this film a chore to sit through. So, what does this
energy want from Jenny, you may ask? It seems all it wanted Jenny to
do was call a certain number and tell the energy that she
"loves" it! That's what she does and then the film ends. I
mean, what the fuck?!? I was tempted to throw my remote at my TV
screen, but that would be like blaming a TV for showing a shitty
film! Do yourself a favor, treat your phone like a human being (in
this age of cell phones, some people treat them better than they do
people!) and avoid this film at all costs.
Filmed as MINACCIA D'AMORE
("Threat of Love"), this film received a limited U.S.
theatrical release from Overseas FilmGroup, with an edited VHS
release from Prism Entertainment,
missing 3 minutes of footage (I don't know what footage was missing,
but it couldn't possibly be anything explicit because there's nothing
explicit to edit out!). No DVD or Blu-Ray release in the United
States at the time of this review. I saw a nice uncut, anamorphic
widescreen print on streaming channel B-Movie TV, the only free
streaming horror channel that is worth having. Also starring Mattia
Sbragia (ACT OF REVENGE
- 1989), Victor Cavallo, Carlo Monni (THE
SCORPION WITH TWO TAILS - 1982), Giorgio Tirabassi, Jole
Silvani (FLAVIA THE HERETIC
- 1974), Antonietta Di Vizia, Cesare Di Vito (PLAY
MOTEL - 1979) and a cameo by Ruggero Deodato as a smiling
man in a phone booth during the opening credits. Not Rated,
but nothing in this film goes beyond a PG-13 or a very soft R-Rating.
DOCTOR MORDRID (1992) - The first in a series (God, I hope not!) about the adventures of mystical Dr. Mordrid (Jeffrey Combs). This film has absolutely nothing new to offer in way of entertainment except a short bit of stop motion animation at the very end. You'll have to put up with some agonizing acting and mind numbing plot holes before you get to it. Another failure from Full Moon, directed by father and son team Albert and Charles Band. Available on DVD & Blu-Ray from Full Moon Direct. Rated R.
DOLLS (1987)
- Another
winner from Stuart Gordon, director of the highly-regarded gross-out
films RE-ANIMATOR (1985) and
FROM BEYOND (1986) and the
more recent shocker DAGON
(2001), all based on stories by H. P. Lovecraft. This one, though,
has nothing to do with Lovecraft but is still enjoyable nonetheless.
During a heavy storm, a group of people with widely variable
personalities take shelter in an old mansion run by an old doll maker
(Guy "MR. SARDONICUS"
Rolfe before he became Andre Toulon in the PUPPET
MASTER films) and his wife (Hilary Mason). It seems as if
his dolls have a life of their own, made possible by the kindly old
dollmaker's secret process. The dolls kill anyone who intend to harm
the old man, his wife or the house. This is actually a fairy tale
gone out of control, as anyone (besides children), that does not
retain their child-like innocence, is systematically dispatched by
the dolls. Hate, deceit, thievery and wickedness brings death, while
love, trust and innocence brings a life of happiness. Although this
film gets rather bloody in spots (some doll attacks are graphic), you
feel these people are getting what they deserve. The doll attacks,
using stop-motion animation (by Dave Allen) and puppets, are
convincing and well-done, unlike the effects for the PUPPET
MASTER series. Same goes for the acting of the players,
especially under-used actor Stephen Lee (ROBOCOP
2
- 1990), delivering their lines with tongues firmly planted in their
cheeks. Director Gordon never panders to the audience, delivering
them a good way to waste 77 minutes of their lives. You'll never look
at a Barbie doll or a Teddy Bear the same way again. This film had a
very limited regional theatrical release in the U.S. before going
directly to video. Gordon's next film was the TV-movie DAUGHTER
OF DARKNESS (1990). A Vestron
Video VHS Release. Also available on widescreen Blu-Ray
from Scream Factory,
which is the only way to really watch the film properly. Rated R.
DON'T
LOOK IN THE ATTIC (1982) -
Once again I had to raid my VHS library to review a film that is not
yet on DVD or Blu-Ray (at the time of this review). I think I know
why. This Italian horror film is so lethargically paced, it would tax
the patience of a snail covered in molasses.
Turin, 1955: We watch as two men fight, while a woman screams at
them to stop because the house is making them fight. One man stabs
the other to death and the woman pulls the knife out of the body and
stabs the other man in the back, killing him. Then a red light
appears in the room (supposedly telling us that the house is haunted)
and the woman runs outside into a graveyard. A hand shoots up out of
a grave, grabs the woman by the leg and pulls her underground to her doom.
Turin, To-Day (Their spelling, not mine): Lawyer Ugo Ressia
(Jean-Pierre Aumont; CAULDRON
OF BLOOD - 1970) draws up a will where the haunted house and
the woman's fortune will be split between three relatives, daughter
Elisa (Ann Gregs; TEENAGE
PROSTITUTION RACKET - 1973), and nephews Tony (Tony Campa)
and Bruno (Foster Bards; RATS:
NIGHT OF TERROR - 1983). There is one major stipulation: All
of them must live in the house and it can never be sold or altered in
any way. Elisa is somewhat of an enigma. She
never knew her mother (she disappeared when she was very young) and
may have psychic powers. Tony and Bruno haven't talked to each other
in years and they have never met their cousin Elisa. At the reading
of the will, they meet each other for the first time at Ugo's office,
along with Bruno's wife Sonia (Helen Frasson; KILLER
NUN - 1979). When they all arrive at the house, they meet
the creepy gardener Phillip (Paul Teitcheid), who has been living in
the house ever since Elisa's mother disappeared. That night, Sonia
has a nightmare where she witnesses her own death and she begs Bruno
to leave the house, which he shoots down. Her screams wake up
everyone else and Elisa accuses Tony of skulking by her bedroom door,
but he denies it. Elisa also hears her mother calling to her, telling
her to come to her tomb (If she disappeared, why does she have a tomb?).
It becomes apparent that Bruno wants the house and the fortune for
himself. He fosters bad blood between Elisa and Tony by telling her
that Tony wants to marry her (unlike this country, Italy has no
problem with cousins marrying). Bruno also wants to have a baby with
Sonia, but Sonia tells Elisa that her husband is sterile (he doesn't
know it...yet). That night Bruno accuses Sonia of being barren and
later, she sleepwalks out of the house and gets hit by a car, her
face going through the windshield (just like in her nightmare).
There's also a subplot where Ugo's partner, defense lawyer Casati
(George Ardisson; EYES
BEHIND THE STARS - 1977), and his mistress Martha (Beba
Loncar; WHO
KILLED THE PROSECUTOR AND WHY? - 1972) try to gain
possession of the house (I'm still not certain why, even after Ugo is
killed by Casati!).
This film is the pits, as the dubbing is horrendous. The line
readings are so strange, you'll be shaking your head in disbelief and
wondering if English was a second language for the dubbing artists,
especially when Bruno, after just losing his wife, asks Elisa to
marry him and, when he tries to rape Elisa, she tells him he is
sterile! I hardly think that is the time to mention that point. The
film also makes very little sense, as the screenplay offers no
answers to the littany of questions it delivers, such as: Is this
house really haunted? Why is there a cemetery in the front yard? What
is Elisa's mother's name (her gravestone is blank)? Why does Beba
Loncar get top billing when she is only in the film for about five
minutes? Why do my loud farts turn into hard gas?
Directed/produced/written/photographed without any sense of style by
Carlo Ausino (credited as "Charles Austin"), who was
responsible for some second-tier Italian flicks such as CITY
OF THE LAST FEAR (1975) and KILLER'S
PLAYLIST (2006), films that never received a U.S. release in
any format. This film, originally titled LA
VILLA DELLA ANIME MALEDETTE ("The Villa Of Cursed
Souls"), isn't even good for an unintentional laugh, as the
violence is restrained (and shown at night), the plot confusing (and
deadly slow) and even the music, by the usually dependable Stelvio
Cipriani (A BAY OF BLOOD
- 1971), is forgettable, not to mention the non-ending, which doesn't
resolve anything. It just ends with the spirit of Elisa's mother
sitting in a rocking chair on the house's porch and ruminating on
what she is going to do! Also known as THE
HOUSE OF THE DAMNED and THE EVIL TOUCH. Also starring
Victor Bally, Attilio Cagnoni, Mario De Gregorio and Amelia
Vercellino as the mother with no name. A Mogul
Communications VHS Release. Unlike most VHS tapes from the
period, the print used is letterboxed. Not Rated, but no blood
and no nudity, so why bother?
DRIVE-IN
MASSACRE (1976) -
Tongue-in-cheek horror film, directed by TV veteran Stu Segall (HUNTER
[1984 - 1988]; SILK
STALKINGS
[1991 - 1999]), who also directed porno features under the names
"Godfrey Daniels", "Ricki Krelmn" and "P.C.
O'Kake", and co-written by none other than genre veteran
George "Buck" Flower
(with long-time professional partner John Goff), who also puts in an
appearance at the end of the film as an escaped mental patient shot
dead after trying to kill his daughter (played by real-life daughter
Verkina Flower). Someone is killing the patrons of the local drive-in
with a sword. Heads are sliced off, necks are slashed and other
various body parts are impaled. Two detectives (James Barnes and Adam
Lawrence) are put on the case and stake out the drive-in for
suspects. The manager (and ex-knife thrower) Atkin (Newton Naushaus),
ex-circus geek and sword-swallower turned janitor Germy (Douglas
Gudbye) and peeping tom Orville (Norman Sherlock) are the prime
suspects as still more patrons turn up dead. The fact is, none of
these people had anything to do with the killings as they are all
dead by the end of the film, the killer never caught and unmasked. A
voiceover at the end of the film notifies the audience that a
murderer is loose in the theatre. The film has the look of a mid-70's
porno feature, with bare bone sets, a droning synthesizer score and
grainy photography. This actually adds to the charm of the movie.
There are some bloody killings, especially in the beginning, to keep
gorehounds occupied and some nudity to keep exploitation fans happy.
But the screenplay has some funny bits, like when one of the
detectives dresses as a woman to go undercover at the drive-in and
gets stares and remarks from various people that are downright
hilarious. If you go in with expectations not set at high, you may
have fun with this film. DRIVE-IN
MASSACRE is only 75 minutes long, so give it a try. A Magnum
Entertainment Home Video Release. Also available on DVD in Great
Britain from Vipco, but not yet available in the States in that
format. Rated
R.
DUST DEVIL (1992) - Director Richard Stanleys atmospheric supernnatural thriller is available on U.S. video in heavily edited form (shorn of nearly 20 minutes). Its still, even in this trunicated version, a highly imaginative film full of visual delights and legitimate scares. Robert Burke stars as a supernatural serial killer who has runaway wife Chelsea Field on his list. Zakes Mokae (BODY PARTS - 1992) is the disbelieving policeman who must stop the Dust Devil before he claims another victim. Filmed at the Namib desert in Africa, this film offers great acting, sweltering photography, atmospheric music and a nifty head explosion. The storyline is somewhat muddled due to the severe editing, but still comes highly recommended. A Paramount Home Video release. Rated R. NOTE: Full unedited versions of this film are available if you look hard enough.
DYING
IN CRIME (1966) - Here's a
twisted little Spanish thriller that features Paul Naschy (who uses
the name "David Molba" here) in his first featured role.
It's not a large role (he had uncredited bit parts in earlier films)
but there's no mistakening that it is him. It is also directed by the
same man who gave Naschy his first starring role as werewolf Waldemar
Daninsky in FRANKENSTEIN'S
BLOODY TERROR (a.k.a. THE
MARK OF THE WOLFMAN - 1968). But this film is not about
Naschy's character, it's about a man that is losing his mind and
dealing with it in a fairly bloody way (especially for the mid-'60s).
The film opens in Paris, France, with fourth year surgery intern
Jean (Juan Logar, who also wrote this film's screenplay as well as directing/writing
the giallo film TWO MALES
FOR ALEXA - 1971) asking a surgeon if his new wife,
Jacqueline (Annie Sinigalia), is going to be okay after her surgery,
It seems Jacqueline was attacked by some psychopath who was
never caught, leaving her in very serious condition when she was
brought to the hospital. The surgeon tells Jean not to worry, he has
the best hands in the business and Jacqueline will be fine. As Jean
is in the waiting room, anxiously waiting for some good news, we see
flashbacks of Jean and Jacqueline's whirlwind romance. Jean is so
much in love with Jacqueline that he wants to marry her right away,
not wanting to wait until he becomes a certified surgeon. He tells
Jacqueline he will be a good father to her four-year-old son
André (Eduardo Alberto) and he loves her more than she could
ever know. Jacqueline tries to talk him into waiting until he
graduates, but Jean is so much in love with her, he will not take no
for an answer. He tells her he will plant a rose bush in his garden
(red roses are her favorite flowers) and will give her a freshly cut
rose every day to prove his love to her. They get married (offscreen)
and we see Jean, Jacqueline and André enjoying themselves in a
Paris square, looking at paintings from different artists, while the
camera swirls around (and some strange POV shots are seen, such as an
artist applying paint to a painting, where the camera lens is the
painting), showing us that the new groom, his bride and their young
son are very happy. That happiness is about to end. When the surgeon
comes out of the operating room, he callously tells Jean that
Jacqueline died on the operating table and quickly walks away. A few
months pass, and we see Jean is visiting his parents at their mansion
(they are rich). Jean's father (Tomás Blanco; THE
FEAST OF SATAN - 1971) is not happy that his son has quit
medical school and has a totally different attitude, staring out into
space and pining for his dead bride. His mother (Irene
Gutiérrez Caba; STIGMA -
1980) tells her husband to give Jean some time to get over the loss
of Jacqueline. André is living with Jean's parents and the
father wants to send him to a boarding school so Jean can get on with
his life. What his parents don't realize is that the sullen Jean's
mind has snapped and he is now killing surgeons by slitting their
necks with a "surgery axe" and then using the instrument to
cut off both their hands, his twisted mind believing by doing so they
will never kill anyone in the operating room. Oh, and he also
believes that Jacqueline is alive and will be joining him and
André to live happily ever after!
We then see an unnamed police detective (Paul Naschy: HOWL
OF THE DEVIL - 1988) and his boss, the Police Commissioner
(Ángel Soler), looking at a new murder victim in a park with
his hands cut off, the third such victim in just a few weeks. The
only clue that they have is what the medical examiner tells them
about the two bodies before; that they were killed with a very sharp
surgical instrument and the killer may belong to the medical
profession. The Commissioner tells Naschy that he wants this case
solved and solved soon, but no one has any idea that they are dealing
with Jean and he's quite crafty, as well as being mad as a hatter. We
then see Jean at his parents' summer house in the country, where he
and Jacqueline lived once they were married. He opens a trick door
and grabs his briefcase (which contains his kill kit) and goes to the
house of a friend from medical school he hasn't seen in over a year.
We then watch as Jean kills that friend by slicing his throat with
the surgical axe and then chopping off his hands with the instrument
(although we don't actually see him cut off the hands, we do see a
bloody severed hand on a table), placing the hands in his briefcase
for burial next to his beloved's rose bush that he planted in the
garden of the summer home.
Jean's undoing slowly happens when his friends from medical school,
Henry (Pepe Rubio) and Pierre (Manuel Manzaneque) pay him a visit at
his country home. Pierre's girlfriend, Fanny (Nuria Gimeno; A
BELL FROM HELL - 1971), is your typical '60s airheaded
woman, only interested in a fun time, but Henry's new girlfriend,
Susan (Yelena Samarina; THE
HOUSE OF INSANE WOMEN - 1971), is a psychiatrist and can see
that something is wrong with Jean, telling Jean she will try and help
him any way she can. But Jean is too far gone for any professional
help, as when his friends turn on the radio and start dancing, Jean
loses it and yells for everyone to leave his home. He then apologizes
and they all go to a disco for some drinking and dancing, but it is
obvious Jean is not having any fun, seeing couples enjoying each
other's company and having a good time, so Jean leaves unannounced
and goes home, picks up his briefcase, drives to the hospital where
Jacqueline died, sneaks into a laboratory where a surgeon is working
and kills him, chopping off his hands and putting them in his
briefcase for burial in his garden. Detective Naschy and the
Commissioner get closer to catching the killer by interviewing the
hospital's director (Ángel Celdrán) and asking him for
names of former disgruntled employees who may have a motive for
killing surgeons and cutting off their hands with surgical proficiency.
While his father is away on business, Jean's mother pays her son a
visit at the country estate and when she discovers he is not here,
she sees a freshly cut single rose lying on the couch and starts
asking herself why her son is acting so strangely. She goes to the
garden and notices a strange smell coming from the rose bush. She
starts digging and discovers the severed hands buried in the dirt.
Jean then appears and his mother has a heart attack, losing her sense
of speech and paralyzed on the right side of her body. He brings his
mother to her home, where a doctor tells Jean that it will take time
for her to recover, but Jean tells the doctor and her trusty
manservant (Antonio Jiménez Escribano; GRAVEYARD
OF HORROR - 1971) that he alone will take care of her and no
one will be allowed to see her. When they are alone, Jean tells his
mother why he is killing and he is just waiting for Jacqueline to
return to him, so they and André can finally be a family
again. He also tells Mom that she will be joining them, as she is too
important to leave behind. Jean then leaves and tells the manservant
that his mother is not to be disturbed under any circumstances.
Mother, however, is too disturbed to just lie in her bed, so
she manages to squirm out of bed, drag herself to a bookshelf and
write something in the opening pages of a book, leaving it open on
the floor for the manservant to discover. Things don't turn out for
the best, though, as the manservant discovers her lying on the floor,
puts her back to bed and picks up the book and closes it without
reading what she wrote.
Things come to a nasty end when Jean sneaks into Pierre's home and
kills him in his usual manner. When Fanny discovers Pierre's handless
body, she calls the police. Jean leaves Pierre's house so quickly, he
forgot the briefcase containing Pierre's hands. The manservant begins
to notice that Jean is not being himself, finally opens up the book
and discovers what Jean's mother wrote ("My son is crazy. My son
is crazy.") and calls the police. Jean kidnaps André and
his mother and brings them to the country estate. When he realizes he
forgot his briefcase, he drives back to Pierre's house to retrieve
it, but the police are already there, so he drives back home. Henry
and Susan, along with Fanny, tell the police about Jean's strange
behavior and that, along with briefcase and the butler's phone call,
Detective Naschy comes to the conclusion that Jean is the serial
killer, so they all go to the country estate to capture him. When
they arrive, Jean kills Fanny, grabs André and runs into the
woods, saying that he and Andre will be joining Jacqueline now
(meaning he is going to kill the young boy). When Detective Naschy
confronts Jean in the woods, André escapes and a wrestling
match ensues, resulting in Jean battering Detective Naschy with his
bare hands and finishing him off by throwing a large rock on his
head, crushing Naschy's dome (offscreen). Andre rushes into the arms
of Henry and Susan and the Commissioner and his men shoot Jean to
death. He can now join Jacqueline for all eternity, that is if he
isn't sent to Hell first. THE END.
This
interesting relic, directed by Enrique López Eguiluz (the
previously mentioned FRANKENSTEIN'S
BLOODY TERROR - 1968; SANTO
FACES DEATH - 1969; one of three people to direct this
troubled production), is a lot more graphic than most films from this
period. While we never actually see Jean cutting off the hands, there
are many shots of bloody severed hands here, both in and out of his
briefcase, as well as him cutting the throats of his victims.
Screenwriter Juan Logar's portrayal of Jean (He lists his name simply
as "Juan" in both the acting and screenwriting credits) is
pretty good. While he seems kind of vanilla in the beginning of the
film (compared to the flashbacks, where we see him as a vibrant human
being in love), the viewer begins to slowly acknowledge that this is
simply a broken man who cannot be repaired under any circumstances,
neither by Susan's psychiatric offerings or any other manner of help.
He is beyond help and Juan registers in his role (He better, he wrote
it!). Paul Naschy's role is basically nothing but an extended cameo.
He really offers nothing to advance the plot because it is the
Commissioner who issues the orders, not him. Still, Naschy should be
recognized here because it's the first film role of his where he gets
his name in the credits (even if he uses the "David Molba"
pseudonym). Most reference resources (including the IMDb) list this
as a 1968 production, but the opening credits list it as a 1966
production (The Spanish have a unique way of copyrighting their
films, you just have to know where to look for it. Most copyright
dates from other countries are listed last during the end credits,
but Spanish productions usually list them during the opening
credits.). A lot of reference sites also list this film as a Giallo,
but it's not. We already know who the killer is and this has hardly
any Giallo staples and plays more like a straight-ahead thriller.
This is a perfectly fine way to spend 85 minutes of your time,
watching a man going off the deep end and murdering those he think
deserves it. I know I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. It
should be noted that the cinematographer of this film was Raúl
Artigot, who would go on to direct THE
WITCHES MOUNTAIN (1971). He was a much-in-demand
cinematographer for many Spanish genre films, including THE
APARTMENT ON THE 13TH FLOOR (1972), THE
GHOST GALLEON (1975) and THE
PYJAMA GIRL CASE (1977), just to mention a few.
Shot as AGOIZANDO EN
EL CRIMEN (a literal translation of the review title), this
film had no known official release in the United States, neither
theatrically or on home video in any format. I viewed it streaming on
the YouTube channel "Giallo Realm", who offer a fairly nice
fullscreen print subtitled in English. I doubt this film had any
English dubbed prints made since it is a fairly obscure item, but I
always prefer to watch the film in its original language with English
subtitles (But I know people who refuse to watch subtitled films
because "Films are for watching, not reading." Sigh). Also
featuring Francisco Garzón and Ángel Menéndez (THE
LORELEY'S GRASP - 1973) as the callous doctor who operates
on Jacqueline unsuccessfully. Not Rated.
ED
GEIN (2000) - For those of you
expecting a gorefest, you are going to be disappointed. Except for a brief
moment at the end, there is absolutely no blood. For those of you
expecting a thought-provoking and uneasy biography of probably the
most famous serial killer in American history, you will be rewarded.
The film opens and closes with real newsreel footage of Gein's arrest
and the townspeoples' view on his crimes. Steve Railsback (who
also portrayed Charlie Manson in HELTER
SKELTER - 1976) gives a quiet, understated performance as
Gein, tortured by an uncaring father as a child and repressed by his
domineering mother (the late Carrie Snodgress in an outstanding
performance) as an adult. It's only when Mom dies does Ed go
off the deep end, committing the crimes that PSYCHO
(1960), DERANGED (1974) and TEXAS
CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974) so gruesomely detailed. This film
is played mainly as a psychological drama as we get deeper and deeper
into Gein's psyche until he snaps. Director Chuck Parello is to be
commended for not going the gore route here as he did in HENRY
2: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL
KILLER - MASK OF SANITY
(1996). The viewer is made to feel uneasy and off-center (My wife
said it was the most unsettling film she has seen in quite a while,
but she couldn't explain why). Railsback (who also executive
produced) is one actor who's worth watching in any film he's in.
Watch this one with an open mind and you will be greatly rewarded.
Also starring Carol Mansell, Steve Blackwood, Craig Zimmerman and Pat
Skipper. A First Look Home Entertainment Release. Next up from First
Look: TED BUNDY
(2002). Not Rated.
ELVES
(1989) - Why the HELL do I keep doing this to myself? I see the
name Dan Haggerty and I have to see if he's improved his acting
ability and every time I get the same result: How does this hack
still get acting roles? In this film he plays an alcoholic department
store Santa, who is down on his luck (he gets evicted from his
trailer!) and decides to spend the night in the store. Also there are
three teenagers, who previously reanimated an angry elf (?!), who was
created by an old Nazi (He has the nerve to say, "When there is
no more room
in Hell, the Elves will walk the Earth.") during World War II
to use against their foes. This old Nazi (Borah Silver) has sex with
his nasty daughter (Deanna Lund, who drowns the family cat in the
toilet after putting it into a pillowcase!) to produce the now
teenage Kirsten (Julie Austin), who he plans on mating with the elf
to produce a new Master Race! Since Kirsten's grandfather is also her
father, it's no wonder that she is so fucked-up. The murderous elf (a
ridiculous puppet whose mouth never moves) invades the department
store and begins killing the inhabitants (including the original
store Santa, who has his nuts cut off while snorting coke in a
bathroom stall), which also includes a group of Neo-Nazis sent to
retrieve Kirsten and impregnate her by using the elf. Santa Haggerty
gets in the middle and helps Kirsten escape (including one of the
lamest shootouts recorded on film) and retrieve a red crystal; the
only object that can stop the elf and send him back to Hell. It's
hard to tell if this film was actually made as a comedy, as
director/writer Jeff Mandel (ROBO-C.H.I.C.
- 1988) can't seem to make up his mind if the line readings are to be
taken seriously (they're all over the place) and the action is about
as exciting as watching paint dry. At least we get to see a kid piss
on Haggerty's lap (and who hasn't wanted to do that?) while he is
playing Santa (he's also Associate Producer of this turd). There's
also only one elf in this film, which makes it hard to accept the
title and the deceptive back cover of the video box. One wonders who
Dan Haggerty owns in Hollywood (perhaps he has photos of some
Hollywood agent blowing one of his male clients or maybe he just
blows his agent?) as he's about as animated as a piece of driftwood
and has the charm of that Uncle you always hated but had to invite
over your house during the holidays as not to piss-off your other
relatives ("Now we all know your Uncle Danny has problem with
children and has to stay at least 100 feet from schools, but he's
gotta eat!"). This film does contain some extreme blood and
nudity, but it's so lame that you just don't care. Only for the
retarded (damn the politically correct!) and the "visually
impaired" (Damned the blind. This time I envy them!). Also
starring Laura Lichstein, Mansell Rivers-Bland (how appropriate!),
Stacey Dye and Christopher Graham. Released on VHS by A.I.P.
Home Video in SP mode and Hemdale Home Video in EP mode. Not yet
available on DVD (thank God!). Not Rated.
THE
EMBALMER (1965) - This film is
important for two reasons: 1) It was one of the last Italian horror
films to be made in black-and-white and 2) it contains elements of
giallo with gothic horror, one of the first films to contain giallo
elements when gothic horror was on the wane. Unfortunately, it fails
to generate much suspense in either category and is best remembered
for a couple of ridiculous scenes (read on). It should also be noted
that many of the actors and behind the scenes personnel never did
another film after this.
Beneath the canals of Venice lurks a maniac who kidnaps beautiful
women, embalms them and then poses their bodies in his personal
"Temple of Beauty", a creepy underground crypt where they
stand side-by-side in white gowns. "You will stay with me
always. No one else will have you!", says the maniac, continuing
with, "You will be my godesses, my idols...forever!" The
killer, who hides his identity by wearing a scuba diver outfit when
he kidnaps the women and a skull mask and hooded robe when he is not
in the water, is hunted by the police and newspaper reporter Andrea
("Gin Mart" Real name: Luigi Martocci). Andrea pesters the
Commissioner of Police (Alcide Gazzotto) constantly to find out why
all these young women are disappearing (We know who the next female
victim will be because they are denoted by a close-up and freeze
frame for a couple of seconds, this film's "hook"). Andrea
meets Miss Marie (Maureen Lidgard Brown), a young tour group guide,
and he escorts her and her group (mostly beautiful young women) to
their hotel. One of the pretty young tourists, Grace (Alba Brotto),
is unable to get a room on the same floor as her friends, making her
a prime candidate as an addition to the killer's Temple of Beauty. We
must try to figure out who the killer is (he is never called "The
Embalmer" once in the film), as almost every male (not
including Andrea) has secrets they would rather not share with anyone
else. Is it the Police Commissioner? How about the rich industrialist
(Elmo Caruso), who hopes to modernize Venice (destroying its ancient
beauty)? How about the bishop (Carlo Russo; church figures are almost
always villains in giallo flicks)? Or is it the hotel manager, Mr.
Torre (Gaetano Dell'Era)? What about the Professor (Luciano Gasper),
who is the only male member of the tour group? And, finally, could it
be Andrea's dentally challenged co-worker (Pietro Walter)?
At
the hotel's nightclub, you'll see such crazy sights as an elderly
skinny woman (Anita Todesco) doing the twist (she says she is only
42, but she has to be twice that age!) and an Elvis Presley wannabe
(Roberto Contero), who suddenly appears in a coffin (!) and starts
plucking his giutar and singing a song that is clearly not what we
are hearing on the soundtrack! We also see Andrea and Miss Marie
dancing cheek-to-cheek while salsa music plays! We then watch the
technique the Embalmer uses to prepare his women for his Temple of
Beauty. It involves a "secret formula" he injects into
their veins to stave-off the decomposition process. But why is he
doing this?
We then find out why Grace was given that room. The hotel manager
installed a two-way mirror in the room so he could watch women get
undressed and take a bath, all from the comfort of his office. The
Professor discovers an important clue in the hotel's basement and,
that night, his dead body is discovered in the singer's coffin, a
knife sticking out of his chest. Andrea does some investigating and
discovers a secret tunnel in the hotel basement, next to the
Professor's pipe and a pool of blood. We know the Embalmer walks
freely around Venice, as the camera pans down to his shiny black
shoes while he picks out his next female victim. Who can it be? I'll
never tell because this film is whacked-out, never giving us a reason
why he is doing it (OK, it's the rich industrialist!).
This film is so atrociously dubbed, you'll be laughing out loud at
the absurdities that come flying out of these
people's mouths especially when the singer makes his initial
appearance at the hotel's nightclub (This hotel has it all and I
wondered why tourists would stay there because there is no reason to
tour Venice when everything is at the hotel!). It comes so far out of
left field and his song is so awful, you'll be wondering how he got
the job in the first place. It's obvious this was the first time he
held a guitar because his fingering makes no sense. Since this is a
mid-'60s production, there is no nudity. When Grace takes a bath, all
we see is her shadow projected on a wall as she takes off her
clothes. There are also two comic fishermen who only talk about wine
or getting drunk. There is some nice Venice scenery, but the mystery
is not that engrossing. This was director/co-screenwriter Dino
Tavella's last film (he only directed one other film) before he
passed away in 1969 at the age of 49. Very little is known about
Tavella or 90% of the people in front or behind the cameras, since
this was their only film. The screenplay, by Tavella, Paolo Lombardo
(director/screenwriter of THE
DEVIL'S LOVER - 1972), Gian Battista Mussetto & Antonio
Walter, definitely lost something in its translation to English
because it doesn't make a lick of sense, but its weirdness won me over.
Shot Under the title IL
MOSTRO DI VENEZIA ("The
Monster Of Venice", an alternate title for this film), this
film's main claim to fame was that it was the bottom-billed film in THE
FINAL DIMENSION IN SHOCK!
triple feature (from Gemeni Film Distributing Co.), which included THE
CORPSE GRINDERS (1971) and THE
UNDERTAKER AND HIS PALS (1966) as the top-billed features,
where you were handed a "Certificate of Assurance" that
certified that you were of sound mind and body. A nurse was also
supposed to be at the theater to take your blood pressure. I went to
this showing in the early-'70s and receive no such certificate or saw
any nurses, but none of these film were terrifying enough to warrant
either. When I saw this triple feature, half the audience walked out
of the theater when this film was shown, only because it was in black
& white! This was one of those films that fell into the Public
Domain and was shown on TV constantly during the '70s and is easily
obtainable today as a stand-alone disc or part of DVD compilations
such as TALES
OF TERROR 200 HORROR FILMS compilation from Mill Creek
Entertainment. This review is based on the stand-alone DVD from Alpha
Video, which is surprisingly in widescreen. The print is soft,
but watchable. Also available on widescreen
DVD from Bayview/Retromedia
Entertainment under the alternate title. Also starring Viki del
Castillo, Paola Vaccari. Maria Rosa Vizina, Francesco Bagarin and
Antonio Grossi. Not Rated, but nothing objectionable.
THE
EMERALD JUNGLE (1980) -
Sick Italian crossbreed of the cannibal and religious fanatic genres.
A young woman (Janet Agren) hires a mercenary (Robert Kerman) to help
her search for her sister, who has joined a religious cult located
deep in the New Guinea forest. The leader of the cult, a Jim
Jones-like figure named Jonas (Ivan Rassimov), drugs his followers to
keep them
in line and dishes out severe punishments for disobedience. To make
matters worse, his camp is surrounded by a tribe of cannibals, making
any escape attempt next to impossible. Here is a partial list of the
carnage on view: A man has his penis lopped off; Agren is raped with
a dildo dipped in cobras blood; decapitations with machetes;
body parts being devoured (including a womans breast); various
animal mutilations (all real) and in the finale, a mass suicide. This
film is for sadists only. Written and directed by Umberto Lenzi, who
cribbed some footage from Ruggero Deodatos earlier cannibal
epic THE
LAST SURVIVOR
(1976 - available on video as JUNGLE
HOLOCAUST, CANNIBALS
and CARNIVOROUS) to fill
out the running time. Also known as EATEN
ALIVE,
EATEN
ALIVE BY CANNIBALS
and DOOMED
TO DIE.
From Continental Video.
Not Rated,
but it would have easily garnished an X
Rating
if submitted to the MPAA. Even fans of cannibal films (myself
included) will find this one a tough one to sit through. Extremely
strong stomachs required (And don't get me started on the real-life
animal slaughter for "entertainment value". That's a
bullshit excuse that doesn't fly. If you can fake human deaths, you
can also fake animal deaths. Killing an innocent animal on screen is
the act of a coward. All you people who try to justify the killings
by saying that the meat of the animal was used for meals after their
on-screen death can eat a bowl of fuck. I wonder how you would feel
if it were a loved one [like your beloved Grandma] or loving family
pet you were watching being slaughtered.). UPDATE: February
20, 2018: Now available in a pristine transfer on Blu-Ray
from Severin Films under
the title EATEN ALIVE! with plenty of extras and a reversible
cover. Look for an updated review
in the weeks to come.
ENCOUNTER
AT RAVEN'S GATE (1988) -
I just love Australian horror films. Sure, there's been some bad
ones, but the majority of them knock anything made in America clear
out of the water. This one is no exception. In the opening prologue, an
object is discoverered to have landed at the small town of Raven's
Gate and a Government inspector is sent out to take a look. He finds
a cop searching a burned-out house and the film flashes back to five
days earlier. Some type of electrical surge has begun to stall out
cars, kill birds while they are flying, and change people attitudes
until they become murderous. This electrical surge also empties-out a half-full
water tank instantly, turns domesticated animals into killers and
murders an elderly couple by frying them alive. What exactly is doing
this and why? The answer is hard to find in this film (but the pieces
are there if you look hard enough), but it is entertaining with it's
colorful characters (an ex-con who stole a police car, a homicidal
cop who is in love with the same woman as the ex-con and a
hortculturist who cares more about the water supply than he does
people). The desolate, dry landscape and some really tense situations
add to the strange allure of this film. Director/Producer/Writer Rolf
De Heer (BAD BOY BUBBY -
1993) builds up suspense without catering to the gorehound crowd
(although there is some shocking bits of blood and unexpected
violence). It's a film that actually makes you think for a change and
that is a film that's hard to come by, especially for the horror
genre. It enigmatic (but not as enigmatic as a David Lynch film) and
makes you take a long, hard look at what lengths the Government will
go to to cover up whatever is out there. The final scene will bear me
out. If you're in the mood for something different, this film will do
the trick nicely. Starring Steven Vidler, Celine O'Leary, Ritchie
Singer, Vincent Gil and Saturday Rosenberg (love that name!). An HBO
Video Release. Not yet available on DVD in the U.S (but is
available as part of the DVD "Rolf
De Heer Collection" in Australia as INCIDENT
AT RAVEN'S GATE by Umbrella Entertainment) and the VHS is
long OOP, so search eBay for a
copy. Rated R.
THE
EVIL WITHIN (1989) -
This is a rare instance of an excellent horror film coming from
France. Originally titled
BABY
BLOOD
(an in-joke in the film shows a poster for the yet unmade BABY BLOOD
2), this wild exercise in graphic bloodletting tells the tale of a
creature who takes up residence in the belly of a circus performer
(Emmanuelle Escourrou) and demands blood for substanance. While we
listen to the conversations between pregnant mom and her unborn
monster baby, we also witness the gruesome murders mom has to perform
to satisfy this things habit. I will not divulge any more as it
will spoil your viewing pleasure. Escourrou carries the show and,
even with a gap between her front teeth you could pass a train
through, displays fine form as a tortured soul who doesnt know
whether to love or hate the monster in her body. Good direction,
excellent photography and inventive special effects make for a bloody
good time for all. For once, the English dubbing is not intrusive and
seems to be done by people who take pride in their work. Co-starring
Jean-Francois Gallotte, Christian Sinninger and Francois Frapier.
Directed and written by Alain Robak (who appears in the film under
the funny pseudonym "Roger Placenta"), who has real talent.
On VHS from A-Pix Entertainment Video. Rated
R,
but this is hard R bordering on NC-17. Anchor
Bay Entertainment released a fully uncut DVD in both French
(with English subtitles) and dubbed into English (where Gary Oldman
is the voice of the bloodthirsty baby!).
THE
EXECUTIONER (1974) -
Duke Mitchell (of Mitchell and Petrillo fame) directs and stars
(under his given name "Dominic Miceli") in this ultra-low
budget GODFATHER
clone that will have you shaking your head in disbelief. Filled with
priceless dialogue, bloody violence, nudity and racial epithets
galore, this film should fail miserably but somehow, it gels together
rather nicely and will hold you enthralled. Mitchell stars as Mimi, a
second generation mafioso, who returns
from Sicily to L.A. to restart his exiled father's crime business.
He runs into trouble with his father's old business partners and
resorts to kidnapping, body dismemberment and many gun battles to get
his way. You'll gasp in amazement at Mimi's monologues and some of
the dialogue (I laughed so hard, I nearly pissed my pants), but you
won't soon forget it. Purportedly made for $27,000, this film is must
viewing for anyone looking for something different. Mitchell also
contributes four songs to the soundtrack. Also starring Vic Caesar,
Ted Schneider and George
"Buck" Flower!
THE EXECUTIONER was also
released as LIKE
FATHER LIKE SON
(it played in NY under this title), THE
MAFIA KILLER and MASSACRE
MAFIA STYLE.
From Video Gems.
Mitchell's next (and last) directorial effort was GONE
WITH THE POPE (1976 - a.k.a. KISS THE RING), which
sat unfinished for 33 years until Grindhouse
Releasing and Academy Award-winning editor Bob Murawski took the
deceased Mitchell's rough cut of the film, polished it and gave it a
regional theatrical release starting in 2009. I have the feeling that
I will be long dead waiting for Grindhouse to put either THE
EXECUTIONER or GONE WITH THE POPE on DVD (or whatever
the format will be in the future), based solely on the time it
takes them to get their films to the home video market. They seem
more interested in giving their films a theatrical release, which
makes absolutely no sense to me since more people can watch the film
at home in one night than an audience can see in theaters in over a
year. From what I understand, a lot of their theatrical showings of
these two films averages about 50 people per showing. In can't see
the profit margin in that, although it is probably quite an
experience seeing the films on the big screen. NOTE: Oh, happy day!
Grindhouse Releasing delivered a Blu-Ray/DVD
Combo Pack of this film on March 10, 2015 under the title MASSACRE
MAFIA STYLE and a Blu-Ray/DVD
Combo Pack of GONE WITH THE POPE on March 24, 2015. Rated
R.
EXTERMINATOR
2 (1984) - Although this
film has its fans, I find it a very poor imitation of the original THE
EXTERMINATOR (1980), since Mark Buntzman (the producer of
the original film) decided to direct, produce and co-write this film (with
William Sachs, director of THE
INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN - 1977; GALAXINA
- 1981; HITZ - 1988;
and others), taking over directing chores from James Glickenhaus.
Mark Buntzman is no James Glickenhaus. Imagine making an action
exploitation film with very little blood or gore and throw in
characters you don't give a damn about, but you really should. At
least the original had some wit, charm and imaginative deaths (not to
mention one hell of a decapitation). The sequel has none of this,
unless you like seeing people on fire and burning to death. The late
Robert Ginty returns from the original as John Eastland, and he still
is acting like a vigilante, walking around the alleys and back
streets of New York City with a flame-thrower strapped to his back,
frying would-be thieves and street scum, including the brother of
street gang leader X (Mario Van Peebles; NEW
JACK CITY - 1991). This seems to upset X, who orders his men
to kill Eastland. When Eastland's dancing girlfriend Caroline
(Deborah Geffner) is crippled and then killed by X's gang (including
the hulking Irwin Keyes; LOVELY
BUT DEADLY
- 1981; who plays a character called "Monster"), Eastland
gets down to serious business. He teams up with old Vietnam buddy Be
Gee (Frankie Faison; RED DRAGON
- 2002), now a garbageman, and they trick-out a garbage truck into a
moving fortress, complete with machine guns and grenade launchers.
They go after X and his gang and I guess I don't have to tell you the
rest. I remember seeing this film in a theater and then renting
the VHS and thinking to myself, "Man, the editing sucks in this
film." That may be because triple-threat Mark Buntzman (this is
his only directorial effort) didn't know how to end a scene (you know
there had to be some production trouble when the closing credits say
"Additional scenes directed by William Sachs", who reshot
much of the footage when Cannon Films was not satisfied with
Buntzman's final cut). Some scenes just end without explanation and
leave you scratching your head and it looks like Cannon Films (the
theatrical distributor of this film in the U.S.) had to make some
severe cuts in the violence department to receive an R-Rating. The
VHS tape, released by MGM-UA
Home Video is the same theatrical version. Maybe someday this
film will get an uncut release on DVD (it's still not available on
legitimate DVD in any form in the U.S.), but until then I will give
this film a thumbs-down. I may raise my thumb into the upright
position if I ever see the complete unedited film. This film also
contains early acting appearances by Arye Gross (HOUSE
II: THE SECOND STORY - 1987), Thomas Calabro (THEY
NEST - 2000), Jesse Aragon (WANTED:
DEAD OR ALIVE - 1986; who died way too young) and John
Turturro (TRANSFORMERS -
2007) as "Guy #1". NOTE: Finally available on DVD
from Shout! Factory as part
of their 4
ACTION-PACKED MOVIE MARATHON in its original aspect ratio and
audio commentary with director Mark Buntzman and star Mario Van
Peebles, but it is the same 89 minute R-Rated theatrical version. Rated
R.
FALL
DOWN DEAD (2007) - It's nice to
see genre vet Udo Kier (ANDY
WARHOL'S DRACULA - 1973) get a nice juicy role in a recent
horror film. Too bad it's a generic slasher film with no surprises to
offer. It's Christmas Eve and Kier stars as "The Picasso
Killer", a serial killer who uses a strait razor to cut-up young
women and leaves them for the police to find as examples of his
"masterpieces". When
waitress Christie Wallace (Dominique Swain; DEAD
MARY - 2007) is walking home and catches The Picasso Killer
carving up a young woman for his latest masterpiece, she runs into a
mostly-empty high-rise building, where security guard Wade Douglas
(the late David Carradine; MIDNIGHT
FEAR - 1990) calls the cops. Detectives Stefan Kercheck
(Mehmet Gunsur, who is a pill-popper) and Lawrence "Don't call
me Larry" Kellog (R. Keith Harris) show up and don't believe a
thing Christie says, until she mentions that The Picasso Killer
carved a sideways "V" into the stomach of the victim (It's
put out there that an FBI profiler believes that the sideways
"V" represents that the women mean "much less than
him" [the killer].). Since this aspect of the killer's MO was
never reported to the news, the cops finally believe her, but
wouldn't you know it, a rolling blackout hits the area and everyone
is trapped in the building (The outside doors are locked by Wade, the
phones don't work, cellphones don't work because the towers don't
have power and the cops' radios don't work because the repeaters also
have no power). The Picasso Killer then begins to kill everyone in
the building one-by-one, including a couple screwing in an office
(What would Christmas Eve be without one of those?), a cleaning lady
(her face is cut in half), Wade and Lawrence, before Christie manages
to throw him off the roof. This being a modern DTV film, there's a
"surprise" ending where The Picasso Killer isn't dead (How
he survived the long fall without a scratch is never explained) and
goes to Christie's home, where he kills the babysitter and tells
Christie's young daughter that he'll be coming for her mother soon,
because she's "not ready" to become one of his
masterpieces. Oh boy, another film left wide-open for a sequel!
Udo Kier is quite good as the killer, humming and singing Christmas
songs as he hunts down his prey (I like that he sang "Oh,
Tannenbaum", rather than "Oh, Christmas Tree" since he
is German) and telling Christie that he will cut out her tongue and
use it as a brush to paint, but director Jon Keeyes (LIVING
& DYING - 2007) and screenwriter Roy Sallows (SHADOW
ZONE: THE UNDEAD EXPRESS - 1996) fail to put much meat on
the plate, failing to explain The Picasso Killer's motivations
(besides a couple of childhood photos which left me scratching my
head) and why there is a series of rolling blackouts happening
throughout the city (especially during the Winter). But Udo Kier
saves the film, because everytime he is on-screen stalking and
talking, it sends shivers down your spine. He just has that kind of
voice where he could read the telephone book and make it sound scary.
By no means a good film, but anything with Udo Kier in such a big
role is worth watching. Also starring Monica Dean, Austin James,
Karine Darrah and Jennifer Alden. An Image
Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.
FANGS
OF THE LIVING DEAD (1969) -
Uneven Spanish/Italian horror film from the director of the BLIND
DEAD series (1971 -
1976) that was ruined due to the producers pulling ther budget in
week four of a seven week shoot, forcing the director to rewrite the
ending, which makes absolutely no sense at all.
Model Sylvia Morel (Anita Ekberg; THE
FRENCH SEX MURDERS - 1972) is
two weeks away from marrying her fiance, Dr. Piero Luciani (Gianni
Medici, as "John Hamilton"; SOMETHING
CREEPING IN THE DARK - 1971), when she gets a letter
informing her that she has inherited a castle from her deceased
mother (She turns to Piero and says, "You are about to marry a
Countess!"), She wants to see the castle, so she travels by
plane to get there, telling Piero that she will be back in time for
the wedding. She should not make promises she cannot keep. Once near
the castle, Sylvia stops at an inn to get a drink. She orders a
whiskey from barmaid Bertha (Diana Lorys; HOUSE
OF PSYCHOTIC WOMEN - 1973), only to be told that they only
serve beer in town. She tells Bertha that she is the castle's new
Countess and everyone in the bar turns around to look at her, the bar
turning eerily silent. Suddenly, Vladis (Fernando Bilbao; THE
VAMPIRES NIGHT ORGY - 1972), the castle's coachman, arrives
at the inn and tells Sylvia, "The Count is expecting you!"
and then takes her to the castle. Once at the castle, Sylvia finds it
unusual that the Count hasn't greeted her and Vladis tells her,
"You will see him at ten tonight!" (Vladis then spies on
her getting undresses through her bedroom door keyhole). At 10:00 PM,
Sylvia meets her uncle, Count Walbrooke (Julián Ugarte; ALL
THE COLORS OF THE DARK - 1972). He greets her to the castle
(Sylvia notices that his hands are cold) and then calls her father a
"fool" for taking her away from here when she was a child.
The Count refuses to talk about Sylvia's mother, only telling her
that she died of "melancholy" and is buried in the castle's
family crypt. The Count takes her to the family crypt, telling
her a history of her ancestors. He then tells her that her
mother died in 1944 and it upsets Sylvia. We also notice that Sylvia
looks just like her grandmother, Malenka, her portrait hanging on a
castle wall.
That night, Sylvia is visited in her bedroom by Blinka (Adriana
Ambesi; as "Audrey Ambert"; CRYPT
OF THE VAMPIRE - 1964; SECRET
AGENT SUPER DRAGON - 1966), who tells Sylvia that she is in
love with the Count, who is over 100 years old. Blinka also tells
Sylvia that her mother used the very same bedroom (and died there)
and that the Count was not able to "dominate" her. The
Count barges into the bedroom and drags Blinka away, telling her,
"I told you not to do that!" Sylvia follows Blinka's
screams and discovers the Count whipping her. Sylvia then sees that
Blinka has fangs and runs to her bedroom. The Count frees Blinka
saying, "Maybe I should tell her who you are!"
Sylvia wants to leave, but the Count tells her she must stay and to
call off her wedding, because the blood running through her veins
demands that she stay. The Count then relates a story about her
grandmother. Flashbacks show us how Malenka (Ekberg again), a
brilliant biochemist, was killed by the villagers, burned alive at
the stake for being a witch (she was actually working on a formula
for immortality). Ever since, every Countess in the castle was
cursed, which is why she can never get married. The Count
continues, telling Sylvia that her ancestors are actually alive, but
they are "Nosferatu", the living dead. It turns out the
Count is actually her great-grandfather and he opens Sylvia's
mother's tomb, showing her that it is empty. Is what the Count
telling her true?
Sylvia writes Piero a letter, calling off their wedding, so Piero
travels to the castle with his best friend Max (César Benet,
as "Guy Roberts", this film's comedy relief and his only
film), where Vladis tells them that Sylvia left orders not to be
disturbed. Piero sees Sylvia through a window and calls to her, but
all she does is give him a faint smile, not saying anything. At the
inn, Bertha asks Piero to examine her because she hasn't been feeling
well lately and Max begins sneezing because he is allergic to garlic,
which is hanging all over the bar and inn. That night, Max wakes
Piero up when he sees a huge black bat flying by the bedroom window.
Bertha's sister, Freya (Rosanna Yanni; COUNT
DRACULA'S GREAT LOVE - 1972), comes in to Piero and Max's
bedroom and tells them that Bertha just died and they will have to
put a stake through her heart! Piero talks to the village physician,
Dr. Horbinger (Carlos Casaravilla; FRANKENSTEIN'S
BLOODY TERROR - 1968), who shows him two puncture wounds on
Bertha's neck and has him come to his office for further proof that
there are vampires in the village. We then see Bertha rise from her
grave and head towards the castle, but is she really a vampire?
The Count hopes to turn Sylvia into a vampire, so he cuts his wrist,
bleeds into a goblet and hands it to Sylvia to drink. She refuses,
runs to her bedroom, locks the door and escapes through a secret
passageway (all castles have them!). She finds a bound Blinka and
frees her. Blinka tells her about a secret tunnel in the family crypt
that will lead her to freedom. Looking for the tunnel, Sylvia meets
Bertha, who tries to bite her, but Sylvia escapes through the tunnel
and runs to the inn, where she meets Piero and tells him about
Bertha. He doesn't believe her, telling Sylvia that he just attended
her funeral that morning. Eventually, Piero begins to believe in
vampires, as he, Max and Dr. Horbinger go to the graveyard and wait
for Bertha to rise from her grave, where they plan on staking her
through the heart. They see her rise and Max sneezes, getting her
attention. Bertha attacks Dr. Horbinger, so Piero and Max head to the
castle after learning Vladis has kidnapped Sylvia. Piero tries to
talk some sense into Sylvia, but she tells him to go away because she
is cursed. Piero argues with the Count and Vladis knocks him
out. Blinka tries to put the bite on Max, but every time she
tries, he laughs because his neck is ticklish(!). Piero is chained up
and we finally learn that this vampire happening is nothing but a
hoax. The Count wants Sylvia to be commited to an asylum for the
insane so he can inherit the castle and the fortunes that come with it!
This film gives us no nudity and no graphic violence. It's hard to
fathom why this film was made at all, as director/screenwriter Amando
de Ossorio
(THE LORELEY'S GRASP
- 1973; NIGHT OF THE SORCERERS
- 1973; DEMON
WITCH CHILD - 1974) offers no scares for the horror crowd, no
nudity for exploitation fans and terrible humor disguised as comedy.
Apparently, Boris Karloff was hired to play the Count, but when he
demanded North American rights to the film (which I find very hard to
believe, because he was very ill at the time), they hired
Julián Ugarte instead. If Karloff were to star in this film,
he would have passed away during production, making this his last
film. To add insult to injury, the producers of this film pulled the
budget during week four of a seven week shoot, forcing de Ossorio to
rewrite the ending, which make no sense at all. To further add more
insult to injury, the American distributors tacked on an alternate
horror ending, showing the Count disintegrating into a skeleton and
that he really was a vampire, contradicting the rest of the film!
Filmed as MALENKA,
LA SOBRINA DEL VAMPIRO ("Malenka, The Vampire's
Niece"), this film is well known due to the gimmicky "Orgy
Of The Living Dead" triple feature ad campaign, with REVENGE
OF THE LIVING DEAD (THE
MURDER CLINIC - 1966) and CURSE
OF THE LIVING DEAD (Mario Bava's KILL,
BABY...KILL! - 1966), where we learned that a certain
"John Austin Frazier" went insane from watching this triple
feature and audiences were promised free psychiatric care if they
went insane! I highly doubt that anyone went crazy by watching this
triple feature, as all three film were heavily edited in order to
gain a PG Rating and to fit in a time allotment that made theater
owners happy (more time means less people in their seats per day).
Unfortunately, it is this edit of the film that fell in the Public
Domain (PD), where it had numerous VHS and budget DVD releases. This
review is based on Retromedia
Entertainment's DVD Release. The fullscreen print is soft and
Retromedia added cricket chirps to the first few minutes of the film
(To claim "exclusivity" to their print, so no other company
could legally copy it! Retromedia, owned by Fred Olen Ray, did this
to many of their PD DVD releases.). The film is also available on
many multi-film DVD compilations, such as Mill
Creek Entertainment's Pure
Terror 50 Film Classic Features. Also available on
widescreen Blu-Ray from Scream
Factory. I, for one, would never shell out that much money
($20.00) for this film. Also starring Paul Muller (NIGHTMARE
CASTLE - 1965), Juanita Ramírez, Adriana Santucci and
Aurelia Treviño. Rated PG.
FLESH
GORDON MEETS THE COSMIC CHEERLEADERS
(1990) - What can you say about a film that contains
juvenile sex humor, comical and sexist FX and some of the zaniest
creatures ever put forth on the screen? I say, just sit back and
enjoy it! Flesh Gordon (Vince Murdocco, who is absolutely a horrible
actor) joins forces with the Cosmic Cheerleaders to stop Emperor Wang
(William Hunt, the only original cast member to return from the
original FLESH GORDON
[1972]) from unleashing a ray which will render Earth's male
population impotent (remember, this was before Viagra). Filled with
clever sight gags and set pieces, some downright funny (check out the
creature called "Dick Head") and some disgusting (e.g. the
ass-teroid belt; the Turd People). Poorly acted, especially by
martial artist Murdocco (it needed to be said twice), but so
good-natured and chock full of nudity that you should have a good
time with it. Directed with imagination by Howard Ziehm, co-director
of the original. Also starring Robyn Kelly, Tony Travis and Morgan
Fox. A New Horizons Home Video Release. Unrated but not X rated.
THE
FOLKS AT RED WOLF INN (1974) - A
horror/comedy about a family of cannibals shown under the titles CLUB
DEAD,
SECRETS BEYOND THE DOOR,
TERROR
HOUSE,
TERROR ON THE MENU and TERROR
AT RED
WOLF INN on
video
and TV. A college coed (Linda Gillin) receives a letter which says
she has won a free vacation at the Red Wolf Inn. Having nothing
better to do on her vacation, she goes, only to be greeted by more
girls who have received the same piece of mail. The family that runs
the inn are a pack of flesh eaters and proceed to fatten up the girls
with a non-stop orgy of food.There's also a well-padlocked meat
locker (ala WELCOME
TO ARROW BEACH
- 1973). Black humor abounds. When a black girl is drugged in her
sleep and carried down to the meat locker the father of the cannibals
says, "It'll be nice to have dark meat again!". Real lady
fingers are eaten at the dinner table. Even the cops can't be
trusted. One of them comes over for one of Ma's home cooked meals. It
also has an ending which shows where its' tongue is firmly planted. A
nice effort from the director Bud Townsend, who also gave us the
awful NIGHTMARE
IN WAX
(1969). Also starring Arthur Space (whose decapitated head winks at
the camera in the finale of some versions of this film), John Nielson
and Mary Jackson. Beware of a PG-Rated version (TERROR
AT RED WOLF INN) floating around video stores. That version
runs 83 minutes and is shorn of most of the violence. An Academy
Entertainment Release, but I would try to find the version from
Canadian label Lettuce Entertain You (under the TERROR
ON THE MENU title), as it seems to be the most complete
version (It's 5 minutes longer than the Academy version). Also
available on a double
feature DVD (with HOUSE
OF THE LIVING DEAD - 1973) from Alpha
Home Entertainment. Rated
R.
FOOTPRINTS
ON THE MOON (1974) -
Unusual giallo film that ladles-on the psychological terror, with a
smattering of sci-fi and a mystery that is hard (but not
impossible) to solve.
The film begins with a Moon landing, where a drugged astronaut is
purposely left on the Moon. He watches the lunar module leave the
Moon, as the other astronaut radios Earth and tells Professor
Blackmann (Klaus Kinski; SLAUGHTER
HOTEL - 1971) that his plan went off without a hitch. Right
off the bat, you'll be asking yourself this question: Why would
anyone leave an astronaut abandoned on the Moon?
We then switch to Alice (Florinda Bolkan; FLAVIA
THE HERETIC - 1974), who has been having a recurring
nightmare about the abandoned astronaut. She tells a friend that she
thinks it has something to do with a movfie, called "Footprints
On The Moon", that she saw as a child but never saw the ending.
She thinks the nightmare is her brain filling in the blanks. Alice is
also shocked to learn that she has lost three days nd tries to
remember what happened. Alice is a translator for the International
Congress and the last thing she remembers is sitting in her booth,
translating a speech that was being given. She also discxovers a torn
piece of paper that has the word "Garma" printed on it.
Garma is a small island off the Italy coast that she believes she
never visited, but she will soon find out that isn't the case. Alice
finds a strange dress she has never seen before in her apartment, so
she packs it in her suitcase and heads off to Garma, where she hopes
to unravel the three missing days.
Once on the island, she goes to Hotel Garma, the only establishment
equipped to handle tourists. For some reason she can not quite
understand, she asks for a particular room overlooking the ocean. She
then takes a walking tour of Garma (the island is full of ancient and
beautiful buildings) and by the look on her face, everything feels
familiar to her. She meets a small girl named Paula (Nicoletta Elmi; WHO
SAW HER DIE? - 1972) and when Alice tells her her name,
Paula says, "That isn't true. Your name is Nicole!"
Paula tells her Nicole was looking for a white house in the woods and
that she is much nicer than Nicole, who was a bitch to her. Alice
then meets Alfred Lowenthal (John Karlsen; THE
CHURCH - 1989), who tells her he saw her on the beach two
days ago. Alice then goes to the beach and quizzes Mrs. Heim (Lila
Kedrova; THE NIGHT CHILD
- 1975), the town gossip. She asks Mrs. Heim if she saw her at the
beach two days ago. Mrs. Heim replies that she broke her glasses. If
Alice was there, she couldn't have seen her if she tried. What has
Alice wiped from her mind? She also meets Henry (Peter McEnery; TALES
THAT WITNESS MADNESS - 1973), a biologist who lives on the
island. He tells Alice he never met her before and it is quite
obvious that he has romance on his mind. Is Henry telling the truth
or is he holding back something? When Alice gets back to the hotel,
the concierge (Feridun Çölgeçen) tells her that
she had a long distance phone call, but he couldn't tell if it was a
man or a woman because the line was bad.
The next day, after having the nightmare again (only this time, it
goes a little bit further than before), Alice meets Paula on the
beach and they build a sandcastle. Paula's dog, "Fox",
refuses to come near Alice and Paula hands her a torn piece of paper
for the castle's flag. It looks exactly like the torn paper Alice
found earlier and she interrogates Paula into showing her where she
found it. It was at a campfire a short distance away, where Paula
tells her a woman holding a package was burning something. When Alice
asks if she was the one who was burning something, Paula says she
couldn't possibly be Nicole because she had long white hair (Alice
has short brown hair) and that she hated her. Alice starts to get mad
and begins shaking Paula. While walking through the forest looking
for the white house she was told about, she finds a red wig on the
ground. Is this a clue?
Alice goes to a boutique (after having drinks with Henry) to get the
wig cleaned, only to be told by the gay clerk (Luigi Guerra) that it
is her wig. When she puts it on, she becomes a different woman, both
in looks and attitude. The boutique owner (Caterina Boratto; PHANTOM
OF DEATH - 1987) tells Alice that the hat she ordered for
"Helen" is ready, but the pocketbook she ordered is not
ready because she didn't personalize it with the name
"Nicole" yet. Alice then goes to the island's old
cathedral, where Mrs. Heim hands Alice her "lost" wallet.
While listening to organ music, Alice has a flashback (flashforward?)
showing us that the abandoned astronaut has committed suicide by
taking his helmet off, forcing Professor Blackmann to find another
"guinea pig".
Figured it out yet? OK, just a little more info to whet your
appetite. Paula and Alice go shopping and when Alice picks up a pair
of silver scissors, Paula gets very nervous, forcing Alice to shake
her violently,
demanding that she tell her the truth. Henry and Alice become lovers,
but it is apparent that he is holding something from her. She finds
an important clue in his bathroom: An earring that quite possibly
belongs to her. She confronts Henry and when he truthfully answers
her questions, she stabs him to death with the silver scissors.
How is Professor Blackmann connected to Alice? Is she the new
"guinea pig" or is she psychotic and all of this is just in
her mind? we find out in the finale, where two astronauts in
spacesuits chase her down the beach!
This isn't your typical giallo film, as there is no black-gloved
killer or murders every few minutes. Director/co-screenwriter Luigi
Bazzoni (THE FIFTH CORD -
1971), along with co-screenwriter Mario Fenelli (this film is based
on his novel "Las Huellas" ["Fingerprints']), has
fashioned a psychological mystery, where two seemingly unrelated
stories suddenly gel together. Some may find this film deadly slow,
as there is no nudity or graphic violence you expect from an Italian
giallo film but if story matters to you more than those two things,
you will be rewarded. A horribly dubbed Klaus Kinski is only in
this film for less than five minutes, so don't expect his usually
twitchy performance because it never happens. The photography (by
Vittorio Storaro; Academy Award®-winner for APOCALYPSE
NOW - 1979) and locations (the island transports you back to
the 19th century) adds to the film's effectiveness, as does the
closing shot, where the axtronauts in spacesuits chase Alice through
the beach. Is it real or all in her mind? You'll have to watch the
film or read between the lines of this review. The answers are there.
Shot under the title LE
ORME ("Footprints"), this film never received a
U.S. theatrical release, but was released on VHS (by Force Video, a
sub-label of Wizard
Video) under the title PRIMAL
IMPULSE. This version of the film fell into the Public
Domain (PD) and can be found on many DVD compilations, including Mill
Creek Entertainment's Sci-Fi
Invasion 50 Movie Classic Features. I don't recommend you watch
any fullscreen print of this film because it severely compromises
Storaro's wonderful widescreen photography. If you want to watch this
film the way it was meant to be seen (and have an all region player),
the only way to go is the British DVD from Shameless Screen
Entertainment (which is the way I viewed it). It is not only in
widescreen, it also restores footage that was cut out of the European
theatrical release. Also starring Evelyn Stewart (real name: Ida
Galli; THE BLOODSTAINED BUTTERFLY
- 1971), Myriam Acevedo, Rosita Torosh (NIGHT
OF THE DEVILS - 1972), Franco Magno and Esmeralda Ruspoli. Not
Rated, but nothing really objectionable.
FORMULA
FOR A MURDER (1985) - Minor
giallo film from director Alberto De Martino (THE
BLANCHEVILLE MONSTER - 1963; THE
TEMPTER - 1974; BLOOD
LINK - 1983), here billed under his pseudonym "Martin
Herbert", that is almost worthwhile viewing due to one or two
ingredients, but they are not enough for me to recommend it.
Joanna (Christina Nagy) is a pretty young woman confined to a
wheelchair, put there when she was eleven years old, falling down the
stairs in her father's home while trying to escape from a serial
killer pedophile priest, who raped and killed dozens of pre-teen
girls before he disappeared off the face of the Earth. Joanna's
wealthy father has recently died, leaving her a wealthy woman. Joanna
has become an expert at fencing and archery (both will be used
towards the end of the film, but not in the way that I hoped), even
in her wheelchair, thanks to Craig (David Warbeck; FATAL
FRAMES - 1996), a handsome young man at a rehabilitation
clinic that Joanna is funding, who makes her feel like a woman again,
even in her wheelchair. It's not long before Joanna and Craig fall in
love, even though Joanna's best friend, Ruth (Carroll Blumenberg)
doesn't approve. They get married rather quickly, even when Joanna's
physician, Dr. Sernich (Rossano Brazzi; PSYCHOUT
FOR MURDER - 1969), tells Craig that the pedophile priest
raped Joanna before she tried to escape from him. He also tells Craig
that Joanna has a weak heart and any strenuous physical
exertion, such as aggressive sex, could kill her. On their wedding
night, newlywed Craig has aggressive (bordering on rough) sex with
Joanne, causing her to scream, waking up a visiting Ruth, who gives
an evil look upstairs. Yes, Joanna and Craig are living in her late
father's house, the same location where she fell down the stairs as a
pre-teen, causing her to lose the use of her legs. Soon, Joanna
begins seeing someone dressed as a priest and carrying her favorite
childhood doll, which is covered in blood, walking down that same
staircase, calling her name over and over. She screams and both Ruth
and Craig come running to her, but there is no priest in sight. Is
she going mad or is someone trying to scare her to death, knowing
that she has a weak heart?
If you guessed the latter, you would be correct, as director De
Martino reveals, rather quickly, that Craig and Ruth are working
together to kill Joanna, so Craig can inherit her millions and split
it with Ruth (De Martino doesn't want you to think that Craig will
inherit her millions by himself, since he is the only living member
of her family. Thinking logically? No, that just won't do!). What
Ruth doesn't count on is that Craig will actually fall in love with
Joanna, yet he still dresses as a priest, killing her real priests in
bloody, hard-to-watch killings (He doesn't want Joanna to write a
hefty check to the church) and haunting her by walking down the
stairs, holding the bloody doll (It's the film's most effective
scene, as the bloody doll talks [I couldn't understand what it was
saying, but it is still creepy], dripping blood as it comes
downstairs). He haunts Joanna as the priest on a ferry (She and Craig
seem to be the only passengers on it, so you would think Joanna would
make the connection!) and back at the house. Joanna also has a
recurring nightmare where she is in a park and her wheelchair can't
move because the wheels are locked. A faceless priest comes along and
pushes the wheelchair into a field, away from all the people, where
he tries to kill Joanna. She gets out of her wheelchair (she
can walk) and stabs the priest to death. Then she wakes up. If you
think Joanna is harboring a secret, you would be wrong, because she
can't walk.
Ruth is not satisfied with how their plan is going, so she tells
Craig that she will kill Joanna herself. Craig doesn't like that
change in plans, so he viciously slashed Ruth to death with a
straight razor (the film's bloodiest sequence). When Joanna
accidentally discovers Ruth's bloody corpse wrapped in plastic (a
killer's favorite way of disposing of a human murder victim!), it
leads to the frantic finale, where Craig Tries to kill Joanna, but
she gets the upper hand (at lest three times), as Craig refuses to
die (like Michael Myers!). Every time you think the film is going to
end and Craig is dead, he pops up and she has to kill him some more
(she tosses a fireplace poker like a spear, impaling Craig in the
leg; she stabs him in the stomach with a sword; and then tosses him
out a window, using her upper body strength to pull herself back into
the house, as her wheelchair and Craig are on the ground below, yet
he still returns, trying to kill her!). Dr. Sernich finally arrives
at the house and carries her to safety. The next time we see Joanna,
she is in a park and her wheelchair refuses to move. A priest comes
along and pushes her and her wheelchair to...THE END.
While I probably make this film sound better than it actually is, it
does have a manic performance by David Warbeck, especially in the
finale. Warbeck, who usually portrays stiff and stilted reserved
English gentlemen (thanks for the phrase, Steve!) in films like THE
BLACK CAT (1981), THE BEYOND
(1981) and dozens of other films, is a revelation, as you will never
see him so animated and going full-tilt bozo as he does in this film.
It's almost enough to make me recommend this film. Almost. The sad
fact is that the story (screenplay by De Martino and Vincenzo Mannino
[as "Frank Walker"; THE
HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK - 1979; THE
NEW YORK RIPPER - 1982]) is strictly old hat and full of
giallo clichés, offering few surprises. It is bloody, though,
I'll give it that, but neither the bloody deaths nor Warbeck's manic
performance is enough to make me suggest that this film is a
must-see. It comes close, but eventually fails.
Filmed as 7. HYDEN PARK:
LA CASA MALEDETTA ("7 Hyden Park: The House Of The
Damned"), this film received a slightly edited U.S. VHS release
under the review title, courtesy of Lightning
Video (in a fullscreen print), but still no disc release (at the
time of this review). If you have an all-region player (If not,
why???), British label Shameless Screen Entertainment offers this
film on DVD, uncut and in its OAR (and, according to my friend across
the pond, Shameless released the film locally with a free yellow
raincoat!). I saw a nice uncut, widescreen print on streaming channel
Shockwerks (only available on Roku), which has rapidly become one of
my go-to channels and gave me a good reason to quit cable (Sadly, no
longer in operation). Also starring Rodolfo Ruzza (MOUNTAIN
OF THE CANNIBAL GOD - 1978), Andy Covella, Adriana Giuffre (RAIDERS
OF ATLANTIS - 1983) and Loris Loddi (De Martino's MIAMI
HORROR - 1985) & Andrea Bosic (MANHATTAN
BABY - 1982) as the priests who meet a bloody end by
Warbeck's hand. Not Rated.
FRANKENFISH (2004)
- Fun
little horror film, directed by Mark Dippe (SPAWN
- 1997), that originally made it's debut on the Sci-Fi Channel as one
of their original movies. I would urge everyone that has seen this
film on Sci-Fi to go out and rent or buy the DVD version as it
contains much more gore and nudity than the version shown on TV. The
plot is your basic giant-monster-on-the-loose premise. It's the
locations and
characters, along with a healthy dose of black humor and unexpected
violence, that makes this one stand out from the pack. A medical
examiner, Sam (Tory Kittles), and a biologist, Mary (China Chow), are
sent into the Louisiana swamps to invesigate a mysterious death. What
they find is that some genetically enhanced (fucking giant!) Chinese
Snakehead fish have been accidentally set free in the area and are
chowing down on the local wildlife as well as the human population.
They soon become trapped on a group of docked houseboats populated by
some of the craziest (and funniest) locals to hit the screen in quite
some time. I really enjoyed the nudist couple (Richard Edson and
Noelle Evans) who grow hydroponic marijuana on their boat. There's
also Ricardo (Raul Trujillo), a silent local who has grudge against
the fish. There's also a houseboat where a quarreling couple (K.D.
Aubert and Matthew Rauch) on a date are visiting the girl's mother
(Donna Briscoe), who tries to set her up with Sam. After the
character exposition is out of the way, the rest of the film is
non-stop carnage as the monster fish bite the heads, stomachs and
other body parts off of the trapped cast. The real jolt comes from
the unexpected accidental death of Mary. It is a real surprise and I
applaud the filmmakers for killing a main character in such an
unheroic way. While the film does rely a little too much on CGI in
some scenes (especially when the fish jump in and out of the water),
there's enough comic lines ("The house shot her!" during
Mary's death and "That's just so wrong!" when everyone
watches Ricardo cut the heart out of one of the fish and eat it.) and
bloody violence to appease any horror fan. FRANKENFISH is
a breath of fresh fishy air amid most of the dreck that gets
released today. This should have gotten a theatrical release. Also
starring genre vets Muse Watson (DEAD
BIRDS - 2005; TV's PRISON
BREAK [2005 - 2009]) and Mark Boone Junior (FILM
HOUSE FEVER - 1986; DEAD
BIRDS - 2005). A Columbia
Tristar Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.
FRANKENSTEIN
80 (1972)
-
Badly scanned, ridiculously misogynistic version of the Frankenstein
legend. A whacked-out doctor (Gordon Mitchell; TERROR
FORCE COMMANDO - 1986) stitches together various body parts
and creates a monster he calls
Mosaic (Xiro Papas; THE
DEVIL'S WEDDING NIGHT - 1973). Mosaic has two severe
problems: He likes to rape women and his transplanted body parts and
organs (including his penis!) are being rejected by his immune
system, forcing him to walk the streets ripping organs (and clothes)
off unsuspecting female victims. Thats about all that happens
here as we witness various bloody mutilations, real operation
footage, female flesh and plot holes the size of New Hampshire, while
we wait for Mosaics brain to be rejected. A "comical"
subplot has the Chief Inspector on the case (Renato Romano; DORIAN
GRAY - 1970) not allowing the entire police force to smoke
until the case is solved. This could only happen in Italy. Also known
as MIDNIGHT HORROR and FRANKENSTEIN
2000. John Richardson (EYEBALL
- 1975), Dada Gallotti (KNIFE
OF ICE - 1972) and Dalila Parker (a.k.a. Dalila Di Lazzaro
of ANDY WARHOL'S FRANKENSTEIN
[1973] fame) co-star. Directed by Mario Mancini (His only directorial
effort, although he was cinematographer on such films as KONG
ISLAND - 1968; THE
FRENCH SEX MURDERS - 1972 and GIRL
IN ROOM 2A - 1973). A Gorgon
Video VHS Release. Roku-only streaming channel B-Movie TV airs a
nice uncut widescreen version under the MIDNIGHT HORROR title
in its regular rotation (about once every 3 to 6 months). Not
Rated.
FRANKENSTEIN
2000 [RETURN FROM DEATH] (1992) -
This is the last horror film directed by Joe D'Amato (DEATH
SMILES ON A MURDERER - 1973; EMANUELLE
AND THE LAST CANNIBALS - 1977; BEYOND
THE DARKNESS - 1979; ANTHROPOPHAGUS
- 1980), using his "David Hills" pseudonym, who would then
finish his career directing porn until his death in 1999. This is not
a good way to remember the man because this film is amateur hour in
look, acting and direction. I've smelled betting things in a pile of
dog crap (and I'm being polite!).
Ric (Donald O'Brien; DOCTOR
BUTCHER M.D. - 1980) is slightly retarded handymen who use
to be a prizefighter. He works and baby-sits for a young widow named
Georgia (Cinzia Monreale; THE BEYOND
- 1981), looking after her young son Stephen (ladies and gentlemen,
the worst young actor in film history: Robin Tazusky!) and sweeping
up her video store. Little Stephen is a troubled boy who has never
been the same since he saw his father killed (it is never explained
how he was killed or why). One day, Georgia goes to her video store
to do inventory, where we learn she has telekinetic abilities (She
plugs the calculator power cord into the electrical outlet just by
looking at it intensely). Georgia also suffers from visions, where
she sees her young son being chased by a man carrying an axe, who
cuts the little boy's head off, which goes flying in the air (this
has nothing to do with the film proper though, it's just there for
"shock" value). Three motorcycle thugs, Hans (Dan Dustman),
Kurt (Mark Frank) and Erik (Mark Quail), break into the video store
and try to rape Georgia, but Ric stops them. She and Ric report the
attempted rape to two security guards, Strolls (Walter Travor) and
Malder (Massimo Pittarello, as "Joe Pittsbergh"; THE
SWORD OF THE BARBARIANS - 1982), but they convince Georgia
not to report it to the police because they would probably arrest
Ric, since he is an ex-boxer and his hands are considered lethal
weapons. The truth is, these two security guards work for crooked
businessman Mr. Hoffman (Maurice Poli; MASSACRE
- 1989),
who wants to buy Georgia's video store for his own purposes. That
night, Strolls and Malder, on Mr. Hoffman's orders, crack Ric with a
baseball bat to his head in front of Georgia's house, splitting his
forehead wide open and knocking him out, while the three motorcycle
creeps rape Georgia in her home in front of Stephen, putting her into
an irreversible coma. During the rape, Erik, who is Mr. Hoffman's
son, loses one his contact lenses and doesn't want to rape Georgia.
Kurt says to him, "You don't need your eyes to rape her!"
(Classy!), but Erik refuses and walks out of the house ("Good!
More for us!" Real classy!). When the police arrive, the
security guards tell them that Ric raped Georgia and they had to hit
him with a bat to subdue him, so the police arrest Ric and throw him
in jail.
Georgia's physician (and lover), Thomas (Riccardo Ascerbi, as
"Richard Harsh"; Lucio Fulci's AENIGMA
- 1987), doesn't believe that Ric is capable of doing harm to Georgia
and he also knows about Georgia's telekinetic abilities, so he has
Dr. Frankenstein (Martin Dansky; BLUE
TORNADO - 1990) perform some kind of experiment on Ric (it
is never made clear what kind of experiment it is) so he can use his
brainwaves to talk to the comatose Georgia, in hopes of snapping her
out of the coma, but it doesn't work out the way Thomas hoped.
Georgia uses her telekinetic powers to take over Ric's body, and when
Ric commits suicide in his jail cell (actually, Strolls kills Ric by
knocking him out and hanging him by the neck with a bedsheet on his
cell window), he rises from the dead in the mortuary and kills the
coroner (by squeezing his head until his eyes pop out of their
sockets). The possessed Ric then goes out and murders all those
involved in Georgia's rape, including the motorcycle thugs, the two
security guards and, finally, Mr. Hoffman. That's basically the whole
film, folks, stretched out to an incredibly long 92 minutes, with one
of those "surprise" endings that we all hate, leaving the
film wide open for a sequel, which, thankfully, never materialized.
As a matter of fact, the finale is so insulting, you'll be temped to
kick in your TV screen just for spite.
This is an incredibly cheap film, not helped by the fact that
director Joe D'Amato puts zero energy into the proceedings.
Everything simply just happens with no rhyme of reason. D'Amato's (as
"Joan Russel") and an uncredited Antonio Tentori's (Fulci's A
CAT IN THE BRAIN - 1990) screenplay is full of every horror
film cliché, all done poorly and haphazardly, not even good
for an unintentional laugh. Poor Donald O'Brien looks embarrassed
appearing in this badly made flick, because we never believe, even
for a moment, that he's an ex-boxer, as his body frame is so thin,
you half expect him to fall through a crack in the floor. He also
shuffles around with huge metal staples in his forehead, looking like
some cheapjack version of Frankenstein, but only if Arnold Stang or
Wally Cox played the monster! You won't believe, even for a
millisecond, that someone so thin could lift a man twice his size up
in the air with one hand. I know when it comes to horror films you
should suspend all belief, but this film takes it much too far. I
would believe in God before I would believe Ric could do the things
he does in this film (and if you knew me, that's quite a statement!).
Everyone here also talks in stilted English, like it was their second
language or they were taking diction lessons from William Shatner
("I want...you...dead!"), making what comes out of their
mouths hard to swallow. It's no surprise that many people in the cast
never acted again, because, said simply, they stink. While the film
is very bloody, with a lot of gory kills, the makeup effects look so
phony, you'll wince from embarrassment (The coroner's head squeeze
being the major offender). The film is so low-rent and cheap looking,
with flat photography (by D'Amato, as "Frederico Slonisko"),
dime store effects (by Danilo Del Monte; FATAL
FRAMES - 1996) and amateurish acting (especially by Stephen
[who can't even play with a ball by himself without looking awkward!]
and the two security guards), you'll be wondering who the film was
made for. It certainly wasn't made for horror film or even bad film
lovers, so what's left? Oh, yes, the braindead. They'll love this
film because no brain cells will be depleted when watching this. For
shame Filmirage, Italy's premiere production company for gory horror
films, for shame!
Filmed as FRANKENSTEIN 2000
- RITORNO DALLA MORTE (a literal translation of the review
title), this film never received a legitimate release on home video
in the United States in any format, but it can be found in plenty of
places online, including YouTube (where I saw it). The print is in
fullscreen in English (it looks like no dubbing was done here, which
is one of the film's many problems). Please, please, please, don't
blame me if you decide to view it. I gave you fair warning! D'Amato's
favorite actress, Laura Gemser (EMANUELLE
IN PRISON - 1983), handled this film's costumes. Even they
are plain. Also featuring Emy Valentino (PHANTOM
OF DEATH - 1987), Max Tazusky, John Wood, Robert Milton and
Susan Baker. Not Rated.
GACY
(2003) - There are too many films being made about famous serial
killers. This is one of the most lamest and bloodless. John Wayne
Gacy (Mark Holton, who was the fat half-wit Ozzie in LEPRECHAUN
- 1993) was convicted of killing 29 young boys and burying them in
his crawlspace underneath his house. This film focuses on the last
few months of his freedom (before being executed by lethal injection,
his last words being, "Kiss My Ass!"), when the neighbors
and friends notice a peculiar smell coming from his basement. He
blames it on a leaking sewer pipe and lays down lime to offset the
odor. His wife and kids leave him after she finds homoerotic
magazines in his garage. He still picks up boys (posing as a cop) and
rapes them (never shown on screen) then buries them in his crawlspace
until there is no room left. His undoing comes when the police start
noticing that the boys that work for his construction company turn up
missing and stake out his house. The film skips most other aspects of
his life (being a clown at kids' parties is mainly glossed over as is
his penchant for painting clowns on canvas), although a flashback
paints that his whole problem with boys stems from an abusive father
(played by Adam Baldwin). Holton is good in the title role but most
of the sleazy things you expect from a film like this are never shown
or explored. It plays like a cable TV movie with some swearing and a
little female nudity. Director Clive Saunders seems to have wanted it
that way, but if you are going to do a film about one of the most
famous serial killers in U.S. history, a little blood and guts
wouldn't hurt. There are plenty of maggots and other bugs on display
here, representing all the decaying bodies buried in the crawlspace
which are sadly not shown except in bodybags at the finale.
Co-screenwriter David Birke also did some uncredited writing for
another serial killer film, DAHMER
(2002) which, as an in-joke, is shown playing on a TV. Also starring
the late Rick Dean,
Tom Waldman, John Laughlin, Joe
Sikora
and Joleen Lutz. Brian Dennehy played Gacy in the Canadian TV
miniseries TO CATCH A KILLER
(1992). A Lions Gate Entertainment
Release. Rated R. NOTE: I have seen this film about a dozen
times since writing this review (thanks to its many showings on the
Encore pay channels), and while my basic opinion about the film
hasn't changed, Mark Holton is impressive as John Wayne Gacy. Really impressive.
GANGS
OF THE DEAD (2005) - This is
neither a good or bad zombie horror flick. It is what it is. Filmed
under the title LAST RITES
and also released as CITY OF
THE DEAD in some foreign territories, this low-budget flick
opens with a meteor containing alien spores hitting a bridge, where a
homeless street preacher (Terrence Evans; THE
PUMPKIN KARVER - 2006) is prophetizing the end of the world
to his homeless flock. He was more right than he even realized. He
and the rest of the homeless crowd are turned into flesh-hungry
zombies and begin chowing down on every human they meet, including
the wife of the local TV weatherman, who just happens to have the
last name
Weatherman (Cazimir Milostan). He hoofs it to a warehouse, where two
gangs, a Black one and a Hispanic one are making a deal for weapons
or drugs (it is never made clear) with supplier Mitchell (Reggie
Bannister; PHANTASM - 1979,
who has nothing more than an extended cameo). They are also being
staked-out by the police outside, who decide to make the arrests, but
the homeless zombies attack them and only two cops make it into the
warehouse (Mitchell is hit by the police van, smashing him into
bloody pieces). The two cops want everyone to put their differences
aside and work together to get out of the warehouse, but Hispanic
gang leader Caesar (Noel Gugliemi, listed in the credits simply as
"Noel G") will hear none of it and eventually becomes head
douchebag in charge, killing one Black gang member by shooting him in
the head (after the gang member dares him to pull the trigger!) and
using everyone else as bait. What he doesn't know is one of the gang
members is a snitch and that's why the police are there to begin
with. The zombies begins to rip apart the cast one-by-one until only
a few are left (Caesar suffers the bloodiest death and it is very
well done), using a box of hand grenades to kill the rest of the
zombies. They make it outside, only to discover more meteors hitting
the skyscrapers of the city. Is there no hope left for humanity?
While there is some bloody gore that sometimes surpasses the film's
R-rating, there is also some dodgy CGI, especially in the explosions
(it is easy to differentiate real flames from CGI ones).
Director/co-writer/co-producer Duane Stinnett (his only feature
directorial effort at the time of this review) offers nothing new to
the zombie genre and the screenplay, which he co-wrote with Krissann
Shipley (who stars as Cassie, the female member of the Hispanic
gang), makes some of the characters seem retarded, especially Latasha
(Dayanah Jamine), the sister of one of the Black gang members, that
you just want to strangle them. Sure, the film is stupid, badly acted
and cheap as hell, but it is worth at least one viewing if you can't
find anything better to watch. Also starring Howard Alonzo (listed
simply as "Howard"), Ethan Ednee, Ryan King, Enrique
Almeida, Danny Martinez, James C. Burns and Stephen Basilone (listed
as "Steve B."). A Screen
Media Films DVD Release. Rated R.
THE
GHOST (1963) - Very good Italian
Gothic horror film starring Barbara Steele and her mesmerizing eyes
(really, if you look at them for too long, you will fall under her spell!).
The film begins after a seance ends, as the credits play and the
camera pans to a human skull on a table. Dr. John Hichcock (Elio
Jotta, acting under the name "Leonard G. Elliot"; MACISTE
IN KING SOLOMON'S MINES - 1964) turns
to the other seance members, telling them that the house they are in
is cursed and is on the "blacker side of death". John is
unable to use his legs due to some unknown malady and is being
treated daily by Dr. Charles Livingstone (the late Peter
Baldwin; click on his name to find out a lot more about him),
who gives him a shot every day that makes him feel better. John
depends on his housekeeper, Catherine (Harriet Medin White; THE
WHIP AND THE BODY - 1963), to take care of his needs and is
suspicious that his wife, Margaret (Barbara Steele; THE
LONG HAIR OF DEATH - 1964; TERROR
CREATURES FROM THE GRAVE - 1965), is having an affair with
Charles. John, who is an expert on the "psychic sciences",
is deeply troubled and doesn't want to live any more, going as far as
to put a pistol to his head. Before he can pull the trigger, Margaret
grabs the gun and tries to console him, but fails ("Why did you
stop me? I'm just a living corpse!"). It turns out that Margaret
is having an affair with Charles, but she wants to stop. Charles
tells her that John will die very soon, as all he is doing is giving
him a shot of a stimulant every day, which makes him feel better, but
he is actually getting worse. John is paid a visit by Canon of the
church Father Owens (Umberto Raho, as "Raoul H. Newman"; WOMEN
IN CELL BLOCK 7 - 1973), who begs John to stop "playing
with forces that are best left alone", putting his hand on a
bottle. John warns him that there is curare in that bottle and if
that poison were to touch his skin, he will be worse off the he is
(John even implies that curare put him in a wheelchair). That night,
Charles gives John his injection and he convulses. Is it possible
that he was poisoning John with curare so he could have Margaret all
to himself?
Margaret and Charles hear the bell John uses to summon Catherine and
they rush to him, only to find John dead. Charles says that he has
been dead for at least an hour. So who rang the bell? After John's
funeral, the crazy stuff begins to happen. Margaret is being driven
crazy by a howling dog, so Charles shoots and kills it. Then John's
wheelchair falls down the stairs, seemingly on its own and Margaret
hears and sees John calling her name (a really creepy scene). At the
reading of John's will, he leaves the house to Margaret, but only if
she will keep Catherine on the payroll to her dying days. He also
leaves the contents of his lockbox to Margaret and all his books and
research on the psychic sciences to a local university. Charles and
Margaret go nuts looking for the key to the lockbox, but Catherine
tells them that John kept the key in his coat...the one he was buried
in! Since there is supposedly over £150,000 in cash and jewels
in the lockbox, Charles and Margaret do what any upstanding citizen
would do: open John's tomb and become graverobbers. They open his
coffin and find John's body a decayed mess, looking far more
decomposed than a body that was dead for a few days, but they do find
the key. While Margaret keeps Catherine busy, not letting her know
what the did to get the key, Charles opens the lockbox, telling
Margaret that when he opened it, there was nothing inside and they
will have to search the house for the valuables.
That night, Margaret sees a pale and sickly John carrying a bouquet
of dead flowers slowly approaching her bed (this scene will certainly
give you the creeps!). She empties a pistol (the same one John tried
to take his life with) into John's approaching body and then faints,
waking up with Catherine and Charles standing over her, but John's
body is nowhere to be found. Charles and Margaret see blood dripping
from the ceiling and Charles heads upstairs to investigate, finding
John hanging by his neck in the attic, but he can get no closer as
the attic door slams shut in front of him, locked. Father Owens then
pays a visit to the house, telling Margaret that she missed John's
memorial service at church and the town is gossiping about Charles
being at the house for such a long time after John's death. Charles
and Margaret begin to argue and grow further and further apart, so
Charles recommends that she go place flowers on John's grave and to
make sure that people in town see her doing it. She does just that,
but she hears John's music box playing both at the grave and inside
the house (Catherine tells her she hears nothing). Margaret goes to
John's favorite room where she sees his chess pieces move by
themselves and one of his books is open to a page on astral
projection. Margaret then hears John's voice telling her that all she
"longed for" is under his coffin.
Margaret, without Charles, goes to John's tomb and struggles to tip
over John's coffin. When she finally does, she discovers a gold
jewelry box under his casket, which she picks up, cutting her hand in
the process. When she opens the jewelry box, it is empty.
Catherine sees what Margaret is doing and pins the blame on Charles.
Margaret runs to Charles and he tells her he is leaving her because
all the wealth is not worth all the emotional pain he is going
through. When he picks up his suitcase, the missing money and jewels
fall from it to the floor, but he swears he doesn't know how it got
there. In a scene that has to be seen to be believed, Margaret picks
up a straight razor and slashes away at Charles until the screen
(including the camera lens) is full of blood. She drags his bloody
dead body to John's tomb, douses it with lamp oil and sets it aflame.
Thinking that her life is over, Margaret returns to her bedroom and
and spikes her nightly drink with curare, While she is sitting on a
bedroom chair waiting for the inevitable to happen, she sees the
bookcase open, revealing a secret passageway. John steps out of it
and is very much alive and healthy, telling Margaret that the curare
she just took was a phony, but when she cut her hand on the jewelry
box, it was dosed with just enough curare to to turn her into what he
once was: a paraplegic living a lifetime to think about all the bad
she has done with her life. It turns out Catherine was helping John
with his dastardly plan and her payment is a few bullets in her back.
But then, John accidentally doses himself with curare, pleading with
Margaret to give him the antidote, which is on a table beside her.
All Margaret can do is laugh, as she is unable to move. There is no
happy ending for anyone, as the film ends with Margaret laughing away
at the absurdity of it all!
This is a damn good Gothic chiller with many effective scenes, as
well as some unexpected bloody violence. This is a sequel of sorts to THE
HORRIBLE DR. HICHCOCK (1962), but the only thing this has in
common with that film are actresses Barbara Steele and Harriet Medin
White (in different roles) and director
"Robert Hampton", who is actually Riccardo Freda, acclaimed
director of CALTIKI THE
IMMORTAL MONSTER (1959; a TV favorite of mine during the
'60s), MACISTE IN HELL
(1962; a peplum flick with a difference), MURDER
OBSESSION (1981; a tense giallo) and the atypical so-awful-it's-funny
THE IGUANA
WITH THE TONGUE OF FIRE (1971; look for a review
soon). The screenplay, by Freda & "Robert Davidson"
(Oreste Biancoli; ATLAS
IN THE LAND OF THE CYCLOPS - 1961), keeps you guessing until
the nihilistic ending. I was thinking that Charles was responsible,
then Catherine and, finally, John, but that is what is so fun about
this film, it keeps you guessing. The beautiful color photography, by
"Donald Green" (Raffaele Masciocchi; HERCULES
AGAINST THE MONGOLS - 1963), adds greatly to the mood and
the pacing, especially Charles getting slashed to death and the dead
flower-holding John slowly approaching Margaret. Films like this are
why I enjoy Italian Gothic horror films of the '60s so much. Barbara
Steele is no stranger to this genre, some may rightfully state that
she is the reason why this genre is so popular as, beside the three
films I mentioned earlier, she has appeared in BLACK
SUNDAY (1960), CASTLE
OF BLOOD (1964), NIGHTMARE
CASTLE (1965), THE
SHE BEAST (1966) and AN
ANGEL FOR SATAN (1966), all prime examples of Gothic horror.
There's no denying she has a screen presence (thankfully, she is
still alive and well) and her eyes can express so much more than mere
words can ever hope to convey.
Filmed as LO SPETTRO
(a literal translation of the review title) and also known as THE
SPECTRE OF DR. HICHCOCK, this film obtained a U.S.
theatrical release in 1965 (by Magna Pictures Distribution
Corporation) before falling into the Public Domain (PD), where it had
many VHS releases, mostly by gray market distributors (Something
Weird Video, Sinister Cinema, etc.) and, later on, was available on
many PD DVD and multi-film DVD labels. The fullscreen DVD from Alpha
Video looks like crap, but the fullscreen print that is part of Mill
Creek Entertainment's Chilling
Classics 50 Movie Pack, looks sharp and colorful with very
little print damage. While there are widescreen DVDs out there (one
from Retromedia Entertainment), they are either very hard to find or
expensive. A severely edited print use to show up on TV during the
'60s & '70s (cutting out Charles' bloody death), but it hasn't
shown up on TV in my area for well over 30 years. I wish some network
would grow some balls and air films like this late at night, like so
many networks did back in the day. Until they do (and I doubt they
ever will), I'll stick with my Roku and Amazon Prime, who show a
streaming widescreen version of this film for free. Also starring
Carol Bennet, Reginald Price Anderson and "Charles Kechler"
(Carlo Kechler; THE WILD, WILD PLANET
- 1965) as the clueless Police Superintendent. Not Rated.
GHOSTS
OF HANLEY HOUSE (1968) -
This obscure Texas-lensed haunted house thriller is a pretty drab
affair. Two men make a bet (his Jaguar against the other's MG) that
the other can't spend the night at the mysterious Hanley house, where
Mr. and Mrs. Hanley disappeared years before. Ever since then, the
house has been haunted by ghosts. They go to the house with a female
medium, another young woman and an older gentleman who has lived in
the town for years. The medium instantly senses something
supernatural going
on, as knocking is heard at the front door when nobody's there,
there are cold spots in the house and the basement and attic hold
deadly secrets. The occupants drink beer, dance and hold a seance
where a spirit is called up that holds a grudge against one of the
group. After the other woman is choked by an unseen pair of cold
hands, the guests decide to leave but none of their cars will start.
They take off on foot but no matter what direction they head off
into, it leads them back to the house. In the end, it turns out that
the older gentleman killed the Hanleys with an axe after they
extorted $100,000 from him for witnessing him accidentally killing a
child years before. He hid the money in the house and came to
withdraw it. Alas, it doesn't work out very well for him as the
spirits kill him in a graveyard. Everyone else gets to escape after
they find the bones of the Hanleys and bury them in the graveyard.
This is pretty boring stuff as director/writer Louise Sherrill (her
only directorial effort although she acted in BLOOD
AND LACE - 1970) tells the story without any flair (and too
many close-ups) and the acting ability of the cast leaves a lot to be
desired. The only sensible person is the one who played the black
housekeeper. She left before nighttime came. Star Cliff Scott sounds
just like Bill Thurman. Alpha Video juiced up this black-and-white
release by adding red-tinted solarized shots and ear-splitting stereo
sound effects (the rest of the film is in mono) in hopes of
modernizing this creaky little film. It doesn't work. It does work as
a piece of obscure cinema, but not as a watchable film. Maybe it was
obscure for a reason. Also starring Elsie Baker, Barbara Chase,
Wilkie De Martel, Roberta Reeves and Leonard Shoemaker. An Alpha
Video DVD Release. Not Rated.
GHOSTS
THAT STILL WALK (1977) - I
should really put this film in the "Short Reviews
For Sucky Films" section of this site, except it has one thing
in its' favor: The scene of the rolling boulders attacking an RV
Camper in the desert. I remember seeing this film on TV in the late
70's and was impressed by this scene. I'm still impressed by this
scene today, but the rest of the film is a bunch of paranormal crap
told in flashback to a parapsychologist (Rita Crafts) by grandmother
Ann Nelson (the hanging lady in AIRPLANE
- 1980) about her trip with her husband in the desert; the mother
(Caroline Howe), who goes crazy after talking to a mummy; and the
grandson (Matt Boston), who hears voices and is not acting like
himself. It's like watching three separate films stitched together
with a rather flimsy framing device: the boy being possessed by the
spirit of a mummy (due to astral projection). Director James T.
Flocker had a quite undistinguished career, having a hand in
directing parts of THE
LUCIFER COMPLEX (1979) and directing the family film GHOST
SHIP (1992), his last effort to date. If it weren't for the
possessed rolling boulders, you probably wouldn't be reading this
review today. Originally released on VCI
Home Video with a budget EP-Mode release from InterGlobal
Video a few years later. Not Rated, but it doesn't go
anywhere near past a PG rating.
GIRLS' SCHOOL SCREAMERS (1985) - It has taken me two months since viewing this celluloid turd to come up with something to say about it. Watching it is like taking a drive through the desert: Long stretches of nothing. The sadist in me will not allow a plot description. I'd rather you all suffer the same way I had to, by watching this piece of worthless shit. One bit of advice for the father/son team of John Finegan Sr. (director & screenwriter) and Jr. (producer): The stink that came out of my VCR tells me that you should be in the manure business. It's dreck like this that gives film stock a bad name. Stay away if you want to keep your sanity. If you must know know, this film stars Mollie O'Mara, Sharon Christopher, Mari Butler and Peter Cosimano. They all are now probably working the midnight shift at the local 7-11. A Lightning Video Release. Rated R. Also known as KILLER QUEEN. In case you haven't noticed, I hated this film.
GRABBERS
(2011) - This Nothern Ireland-lensed horror comedy (filmed partly
in the same area as the revived Hammer Films' WAKE
WOOD - 2011) has a really ridiculous premise, but the goofy
overall tone of the talented cast will win you over very quickly
(and, for once, their accents don't need subtitles to understand what
they are saying). The film opens with what looks like a meteor
hitting the waters just off the coast of Erin Island (a town known
more for their drinking than their fishing), when the crew of a
fishing trawler notice it and send out an SOS to the Coast Guard.
Everyone on the trawler is then disposed of by a huge creature with
tentacles. This just happens to be the first day of policewoman (here
called 'Gardas") Lisa Nolan (Ruth Bradley), who is on a two-week
temporary assignment on Erin Island to replace another Garda who is
on holiday. She is picked up from the ferry by fellow Garda Ciaran
O'Shea (Richard Coyle), who is nursing the mother of bad hangovers
and doesn't want a stranger as a temporary partner. Their first case
as an investigating team is the beaching and deaths of a group of Pilot
whales. Island coroner Dr. Adam Smith (Russell Tovey), who takes one
look at Lisa and is instantly smitten, tells them that this
phenomenon is known to have happened before, but scientists have no
explanation as to why it happens. Eternally drunk fisherman Paddy (a
hilarious Lalor Roddy) catches a baby tentacled creature in one of
his lobster traps and puts it in his bathtub (after it squirts
something in the face of another fisherman), while other people are
being pulled off the beach into the ocean by large tentacles. A
married couple relaxing in a house near the beach (the husband is
watching NIGHT OF THE
LIVING DEAD [1968] on his TV) get a knock on their front door
and when the husband opens it, he notices one of his friends (who he
thinks is drunk) is moving weirdly. He is actually being used as a
marionette by a giant creature as bait (or a worm as it were, pulling
a reversal on fisherman) and when the husband goes outside to
investigate, a tentacle pulls him up straight in the air, his wife
screaming in terror. She tries to hide in the house, but a tentacle
comes down the chimney and pulls her through the fireplace. When
Paddy is attacked by the small creature he found (it tries to wrap
itself around his face, a tribute to ALIEN
[1979] and there are all types of references to other horror and
science fiction films in this movie), but he manages to pull it off
him without being harmed. He brings the baby creature to Alan's lab
for an autopsy (Paddy thinks it is dead and calls it a
"grabber", a reference to TREMORS
[1989]), but Alan discovers that the small creature is pregnant (he
pulls out a disgusting round egg from its body) and tells Ciaran,
Lisa and Paddy that all the creature needs to survive is water
(shades of GREMLINS [1984])
and blood, so he sets fire to it and Lisa accidentally sets off the
sprinkler system (Alan sarcastically says, "You are Irish,
aren't you?"), reviving the creature and it attaches itself to
Ciaran's face (it's funny and horrifying at the same time, as Ciaran
hits himself in the face with a shovel to get the creature off him),
but the creature suddenly lets go and falls to the floor. Adam comes
to the conclusion that the creatures are allergic to alcohol (Paddy
is drunk and Ciaran still has alcohol in his body from last night),
but they must find out how much alcohol in their system it will take
to kill the creatures (since all Paddy and Ciaran did was temporarily
incapacitate the small creature), so they use Lisa as a test subject
(she has never drank alcohol before) and get her drunk as a skunk
(it's a really funny scene) and then inject a vial of her
alcohol-infused blood into the small captive creature, killing it.
Adam reads her blood alcohol level as 0.20, so they will have do get
everyone on the island that drunk (there seems to be a lack of
children on the island, so that isn't a stumbling block in this
film), but not tell them the truth so there isn't a panic. They come
up with the bright idea to throw a party at the island's bar owned by
husband and wife Brian (David Pearse) and Una Mahar (Bronaugh
Gallagher; who is as funny here as she was in BOTCHED
- 2007), who are both aware of the situation, with a "free
bar", so nearly everyone on the island shows up (hey, free booze
is free booze!) for the free drinks (mixed with Paddy's super-potent
homemade brew). It begins raining outside (not a good thing) as tiny
tentacled creatures approach the bar (it a hoot the way they move)
and Brian and Una try to get everyone to a 0.20 alcohol blood level
while a drunk Ciaran and Lisa are keeping an eye out in their patrol
car outside and begin to fall in love (it's a highly inappropriate
time and a drunk Lisa mentions that very same fact, but the drunken
heart wants what the drunken heart wants). They spot the tiny
creatures approaching the bar and start squishing them beneath their
feet, but they then notice one of the bar patrons has stepped outside
to take a leak and it is grabbed by the mother of all tentacled
creatures, spitting out the poor guy's head out till it rolls at
Ciaran and Lisa's feet. When the bar runs out of alcohol is when the
trouble really begins, but I won't spoil it for you, other than to
say that drunk people are rather useless in life-or-death situations
(Brian runs outside in the rain with a Super Soaker full of Paddy's
extremely flammable alcohol with a lit candle taped beneath the water
gun's spout, he being too drink to understand that as soon as he
walks outside, the candle will be extinguished by the rain) and Lisa
going into full-blown Sigourney Weaver mode (copying one of her
actions in ALIENS - 1986). In
the immortal words of Brian the next morning. "That was fun,
wasn't it?" It sure was and a final coda at the end leaves the
film wide-open for a sequel, one I wouldn't mind watching.
Director Jon Wright (TORMENTED
- 2009; ROBOT OVERLORDS
- 2014), working with a screenplay by first-time feature-length
writer Kevin Lehane, keeps the tone light and funny, even in the gore
scenes, such as when Ciaran and Lisa go to the house that was
attacked and a human head rolls off the roof and hits Ciaran squarely
on the nose. For once, the CGI is not a distraction and works very
well here, as the giant creature destroys a car and its tentacles
impale people through their torsos or just lift them up in the air.
The CGI-filled sequence of the baby creatures approaching the bar
will have you howling with delight, not because the CGI is bad, but
because it is so good you will not notice it is CGI at all (That is
what CGI should be: invisible). Screenwriter Lehane fills the film
with references to other films (there's a direct sequence related to PREDATOR
[1987] towards the end of the film) and some extremely funny
dialogue, such as when the bar runs out of alcohol and the drunk
group discusses that they may have to sacrifice one of their own in
order for the others to get away and Brian says, "Let them eat
Father Potts (Micheál O'Gruagain). That should keep them busy
for a while!" (the look on the portly Father's face is
priceless) or a shit-faced Paddy telling another patron when he
discovers that they are out of booze, "Relax, you'll give
yourself angina!" Don't raise your expectations too high and
you'll have a lot of fun with this film. Also starring Pascal Scott,
Clelia Murphy, Louis Dempsey, Ned Dennehy, Stuart Graham and Jonathan
Ryan. An IFC Midnight DVD
Release. Not Rated.
GRAVE
OF THE VAMPIRE (1972) - One
of my favorites. They don't make exploitation much better than
this. A vampire returns to life in the 1940's and attacks a necking
couple (no pun intended) parked in a graveyard. He kills the boy and
savagely rapes the girl. The girl becomes pregnant and gives birth to
a gray-skinned baby. The baby doesn't like milk so his mother feeds
him her blood to nourish him. Cut to the present. The boy is now a
man (William Smith) looking for the man responsible for ultimately
killing his mother (there's only so much blood a mother can give her
son). Smith finds the vampire (Michael Pataki) teaching classes at a
college! He enrolls in the class and the game of cat and mouse is on.
Two standout scenes: 1) The mother and son, standing in the shadows,
watching children playing baseball in the bright sunshine, knowing
that he will never be able to go out there and join them. 2) The
concluding scene of son and father fighting to the death. It is
exciting and well lensed with a twist ending. This is perhaps
director John Hayes' (THE CUT-THROATS
- 1969; DREAM
NO EVIL
- 1970; GARDEN OF THE DEAD
- 1972; END
OF THE WORLD
- 1977) best film. William Smith (INVASION
OF THE BEE GIRLS
- 1974) and the late Michael Pataki (DRACULA'S
DOG
- 1977) were favorites in low budget films. They made even the most
unbearable film they appeared in better than it should be. Eric
Mason (KISS
OF THE TARANTULA
- 1972) plays a cop in the beginning of the film who is done in by
the vampire. The screenplay is by David Chase, who would later go on
and create THE SOPRANOS. A
fast-paced, off the wall horror film. If you happen to run into a
copy of GRAVE OF THE VAMPIRE
(also known as SEED OF TERROR),
buy it or rent it immediately! A Unicorn
Video Release. Also available on DVD
from Alpha Video. Also starring
Lyn Peters, Diane Holden, Lieux Dressler, Jay Adler and Carmen
Argenziano. Rated
R.
THE
HAGSTONE DEMON (2011) - If
you don't like leisurely-paced low-budget horror films with black and
white photography (only the flashbacks are in color), then this film
probably won't be your cup of tea. But if you like horror films with
a somewhat original plot and starring Mark Borchardt, a minor
celebrity who gained fame in the documentary AMERICAN
MOVIE (1999), about a determined filmmaker who will do
practically anything to get his short horror film COVEN
(started in 1997, but not finished until 2000) finished, turning that
fame into a career in appearing films like this and CABIN
FEVER 2: SPRING FEVER
(2009), then you just may enjoy this gritty little horror flick.
Borchardt stars as Douglas Elmore, the new caretaker of the
about-to-be-condemned Hagstone apartment building. He is trying to
get over the suicide of his wife Julie (Gizelle Erickson), who blew
her brains out with a pistol. Douglas deals with the many strange
inhabitants of the building, including busybody Mrs. Brennan (Marilyn
Murphy), Mr. Thompson (Jay Smiley), a man who knows the complete
history of the building, and Sam Witkowski (David S. Bennett), an
older gent who likes his pornography. Perhaps the strangest
inhabitant is Karna (Nadine Cross), a young woman who is living illegally
with her hairless cat Victoria in Room 3, located in the basement
next to the laundry room (Douglas lets her live there because the
building is going to be torn down in two months). After driving out
of town to visit his brother-in-law Carl Becker (Sasha Andreev), a
priest who still remains friends with Douglas because he knows
something about Julie's past, Douglas returns to the Hagstone
building and becomes obsessed with Karna and the strange visitors she
receives at night. He follows her one night and watches as she gives
some guy dressed in a trenchcoat and fedora a plastic bag where something
is moving inside it (Unless I missed something, we are never told
what it is, although I think it is her cat) and when he goes to Room
3 to fix her toilet, she strips naked and offers to have sex with
Douglas. He turns her down, because he still can't get over the death
of his wife. Murders begin to happen at the Hagstone, including
finding the naked corpse of Sam on his couch (Mrs. Bennett says,
"I always knew he was a masturbator!" and Douglas finds a
"Tijuana Bible" among Sam's porn collection which will
prove important later on), Mrs. Bennett is found dead on the stairs
with six quarts of her blood dripping down the staircase and a truck
stop prostitute (Tiffany Moy), who Douglas paid a visit to, is found
murdered. Police Detective Willis (Michael Glen) believes Douglas is
involved in the murders and even threatens to exhume Julie's body,
which upsets Douglas greatly. Long story short, Karna is a succubus
and Julie killed herself because she was a Satanist (so was Douglas)
who was supposed to get pregnant by Douglas in a cult ritual, but the
pregnancy never happened, which made her commit suicide. Since Julie
died under those circumstances, it leaves her wide-open to also
become a succubus, so Douglas, Carl and Hagstone resident Barbara
(Cyndi Kurtz) must stop Karna, who digs up Julie's corpse in a
graveyard (she also murders Detective Willis at the graveyard) and
brings the body to a secret room at the Hagstone, ready to turn Julie
into a succubus. I won't spoil what happens next, only to say that
Mr. Thompson isn't who he says he is (it's quite the suprise,
especially when Douglas and Carl pull at his legs to get him off
Barbara) and getting to the secret room is one freakish
experience. Second-time feature film director Jon Springer (a
cinematographer by trade who directed a religious-themed feature film
and a bunch of horror-themed shorts before making this), who co-wrote
the screenplay with Harrison Matthews, is definitely a believer in
"slow and steady wins the race", as the film moves at a
snail's pace, but reveals the underlying layers as it progresses.
Mark Borchardt is not your typical leading man, nor is he a very good
actor, but he is effective here for reasons I don't really
understand. He has long, greasy hair and wears huge eyeglasses with
coke-bottle lenses, but he fits the character he portrays perfectly.
The color film stock is used judiciously, only appearing in about
three sequences, but its use is effective (usually flashbacks are
shown in black & white, not the other way around). This is by no
means a good film, but it is an interesting one, which is good enough
for me. Shot in 2007 and, besides a few festival showings in 2009,
not released on home video until 2011 (It carries a 2011 copyright
during the end credits). Filmed in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Also
starring Lung Leg, Charles Hubbell and Carol Vnuk. A Pacific
Entertainment Corporation/Genius Brands Blu-Ray/DVD Release. Rated R.
HAUNT
(2013) - I quit watching the IFC Channel on TV a few years ago
when they changed their policy and started showing commercials every
10 minutes (Even though the channel still shows films
"uncut", a movie that runs 95 minutes is now shown in an
unreasonable 135-minute time slot. You do the math.). I find it
ironic that the "I" in IFC stands for
"Independent", since all their movies and TV shows are now
advertiser-driven. That's the antithesis of Independent (On a side
note, I predicted way back then that the Sundance Channel would go
the way of IFC and, sure enough, it did. Two commercial-free TV
stations now show more commercials than most major networks. These
are channels I pay a premium for from my cable provider and once were
stables of my TV-watching habits, yet there is no way to take these
two stations off my line-up. Hell, I remember when AMC was
commercial-free. This is what happens when major corporations like
Cablevision, Time Warner and Disney buy networks and enforce their
"make more money" rule.). Even though I haven't watched
anything on IFC for years, I do have to give them props for their IFC
Midnight DVD label, because they have released some very good (some
bad and some excellent, too) independent horror films (including one
of my favorites from the past decade, ALMOST
HUMAN [2013]), so IFC is not completely off my radar (to see
a collection of films IFC Midnight has released, click HERE).
I honestly believe that IFC Midnight is the go-to label for
modern-day independent horror films,
giving both first-time directors and established ones that are
dipping their toes in the low-budget pool an outlet to let their
films actually be seen outside of film festivals (Most IFC Midnight
pick-ups are given a simultaneous limited theatrical/VOD release
before being released on DVD. So far, most of their releases are not
on Blu-Ray, which is no big deal to me.). But I digress. Let's get to
the movie at hand. This is an old-fashioned haunted house film, that
plays with little gore, but plenty of jump scares. It's not really
that special, but it is done with some flair and displays a family
dynamic unusual for a horror film (thanks to first-time screenwriter
Andrew Barrer). The film begins with a drunk and pill-popping
Franklin Morello (Carl Hadra), as he is crying while looking at
Polaroids of his family. He is in a special room in his house, where
he hand-cranks some electronic box with decades-old tubes (the kind
that use to power early amplifiers and TVs) to contact the dead,
where he talks to his deceased children, apologizing for not being
able to protect them. A ghostly demonic creature (Kasia Kowalezyk)
then appears and attacks Franklin (his eyes turn completely black),
before he falls down a flight of stairs and dies. Franklin's wife,
Janet (Jackie Weaver; ANIMAL KINGDOM
- 2010), the last surviving member of the Morello family, then
narrates the opening of the film, telling us that she, her husband
and children moved into that house, using part of the house to
practice pediatric medicine. Then, their three children began dying
in mysterious ways and their medical practice began drying-up (Janet
says, "What good is a pediatrician who can't keep her own babies
alive?"), the townspeople referring to it as "The Morello
Curse". Janet moved out of the house and a new family (who are
aware of the house's history) move in. They are the Anders family:
mother Emily (Ione Skye; STRANDED
- 1987), father Alan (Brian Wimmer; THE
MADDENING - 1995), teenage daughter Sara (Danielle
Churchran), pre-teen daughter Anita (Ella Harris) and 18 year-old son
Evan (Harrison Gilbertson; NEED
FOR SPEED - 2014), who is basically an Athiest and doesn't
believe in the afterlife. Janet pays the Ashers a visit under the
pretense of picking up a portrait of her dead son Matthew (Sebastian
Barr), who died at the same age of Evan, but it is obvious that she
has other reasons for checking out the new family occupying her old
house. That night, Evan hears what sounds like a violent argument in
the woods and he goes to investigate, meeting a crying pretty girl
named Sam (Liana Liberato; TRESPASS
- 2011), who tells Evan to mind his own business. That same night,
while Evan is watching NIGHT
OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968) on TV, the power goes out and he
has to go down to the basement to get to the fuse box (his parents
are hardly ever home for some unexplained reason). It's obvious to
the viewing audience that something supernatural is going on (such as
Anita walking around in a trance as she enters her bedroom) and when
Evan goes to bed, he is joined by Sam and he lets her stay because he
believes she is being abused at her home (she is). Sam has a
nightmare involving Janet and a crying baby and, when she wakes up,
it is morning and Anita (who now acts normal) is standing by the bed
wondering who she is. Evan has the coolest parents, who have no
problem with Sam spending the night with Evan (he is old enough to
make his own decisions), but mother Emily just gives Evan one piece
of advice: "Be careful." (It turns out Sam is being used as
a punching bag by her always-drunk father when Emily notices the
bruises on her wrists and arms.). Sam stole the magic box to contact
the dead and when she and Evan use it in a shed next to a cemetery,
Matthew Morello leaves them an ominous message from beyond the grave
(Evan returns the box back to the special room in his house). As
expected, Evan and Sam become lovers, while Evan notices Anita
talking to herself in her bedroom (he totally misses the sudden
appearance of a ghostly girl, one of the Morello daughters, who makes
a short appearance in the bedroom doorway as Evan turns his back).
Even though the entire Archer family are well-aware thet the house
they moved in is supposedly haunted, they are not prepared for Anita
announcing over dinner that a girl ghost occupies her bedroom, but
she will do no harm to her as long as she keeps the ghost girl
"happy". Evan and Sam go into the special room and use the
box again, this time Matthew Morello telling them "Don't you
move!", but they don't listen and beat a hasty retreat outside
the room. Sam makes it out of the house, but Evan becomes possessed
by the demon creature and when Sam returns looking for him, Evan
tries to strangle her with his bare hands, but Sam manages to grab a
lamp and knock him out. Evan goes to Sam's house to apologize, but
her drunken father answers the door and says, "Sam is not home
right now. Leave a message at the beep!" and slams the door in
Evan's face. While Evan is walking away, Sam catches up with him a
few minutes later and both decide to go to Janet to see if she can
shed any light on their situation. Janet just yells not to use that
damn "box" again (There was just something off about the
whole conversation, which set off alarms in my head). Evan and Sam
burn the box, along with the Polaroids of the Morello family, but all
that does is make everything worse, as the demon creature invades the
house and flashbacks reveal the truth about everything. Like Janet
tells us in the finale, "Some houses are more dead than
others.", as the camera pans down below the floorboards to
reveal the deadly secret. Director Mac Carter, whose first film was
the enjoyable DTV documentary SECRET
ORIGIN: THE STORY OF DC COMICS (2010) and was Second Unit
Director on the Vin Diesel film THE
LAST WITCH HUNTER (2015), keeps us on our toes by
switching-up the old clichés of haunted house horror films
with something completely different. I was quite surprised when I had
what I thought was a specific aspect about one of the major
characters (I won't spoil it for you, but the character says,
"That's the spirit!"), only to discover that I was
completely wrong. That doesn't happen very often and I was delighted
to be surprised I was wrong. While not particularly scary for a
haunted house film (but it does have its fair share of jump scares
and some goosebump-inducing scenes, especially when the box is used),
it does have a refreshing change of pace in depicting a family unit,
the parents believing everything their children tell them and
actually trusting them (even though Ione Skye and Brian Wimmer have
basically nothing but extended cameo roles). This is a perfectly fine
way to spend 85 minutes and it was great to have the DVD jam-packed
with extras (like DVDs were in the old days), including the extremely
creepy 8mm short film "Morello Home Movies", which gives
that family a little more character development and ends on a truly
eerie final shot. The extras are as long (if not longer) than the
actual film and, for once, they are not filler or
"making-ofs", but actual extras made specifically for the
DVD. You can do a whole lot worse than watching this not
by-the-numbers haunted house flick. Also starring Brooke Kelly,
Maggie Scott, Jan Broberg, Aline Andrade and Kelly Noonan. An IFC
Midnight DVD Release. Rated R.
THE
HAUNTING OF HELENA (2012) -
This is an involving Italian supernatural film that gets better and
better every time I watch it. The film concerns recently divorced
mother Sophia (Harriet MacMasters-Green; writer/star of PARKING
LOT - 2011) and her young daughter Helena (Sabrina Jolie
Perez) moving in to an apartment building, their apartment being the
scene of a brutal murder many years earlier. Helena is losing her
baby teeth, so her mother tells her to put her teeth under her pillow
and the Tooth Fairy will give her money for it. Before it happens,
Sophia gets into a major car accident with her daughter. A truck
sideswipes her, forcing the car to go over a bridge in the river
below (Sophie sees a ghostly girl child sitting in the backseat as
the car fills with water. A truly spine-tingling scene). No major
harm has come to Sophie or Helena, but Helena is never the same after
that, she is downright frightening. She makes her mother go back to
the destroyed car to fetch her tooth, which she lost in the accident.
Mom gets it and Helena places it under her pillow. Sophie sneaks into
Helena's bedroom to put money under her pillow, but Helena wakes up,
telling her that the Tooth Fairy already paid her a visit and gave
her money, a rare old Italian coin. Sophie doesn't know what to make
of it, especially when she goes to Helena's school, told to come
there by the principal. She tells Sophie that her daughter is paying
other students for their baby teeth, showing Spohie the teeth that
she had already collected and the money she paid them, more old rare
coins. Back at their apartment, Helena tells Mom that the Tooth Fairy
lives in a portable wardrobe closet (which Sophie brought up from the
building's basement, placing it in Helena's bedroom) and visits her
every night. She has no teeth, so the Tooth Fairy gave her money to
collect more teeth. Mom is not so sure of the matter, thinking Helena
is telling a fib, but where is she getting the rare coins? Their
neighbor, the elderly Mr. Ferri (the late Paolo
Paoloni; VOICES
FROM BEYOND - 1991) tells Sophie that her apartment was the
site of a brutal murder in 1940, an Army Captain pulling out all of
his wife's teeth for smiling at another man! He then locked her in
the wardrobe closet, where she died several days later. This bit of
information leads to more trouble, especially when the Tooth Fairy
makes an appearance in front of Sophie and Helena, opening her mouth
and showing she has no teeth (a truly frightening sequence). Sophie
throws all of the teeth Helena collected to the Tooth Fairy, but it
doesn't end there. We are then taken to 18 months later. Helena is
now confined to an insane asylum and she hasn't spoken since the
incident. Her father, Robert (Jarreth J. Merz; THE
PASSION OF THE CHRIST - 2004), comes to the asylum and tells
Sophie that he is taking his daughter to Cancun, where he works.
Robert doesn't live for much longer, because he is killed in the
wardrobe closet (in a scene that must be seen to be believed). It
turns out that this insane asylum also housed the husband that killed
his wife in 1940, but he has long been dead. So why does Sophie
always see him looking out a window in a part of the asylum that has
long been closed (the only other one who sees him is a male patient)?
Sophie begins an investigation into what happened to the husband and
learns that he hid all of his wife's teeth, so Sophie gets the idea
that if she finds the teeth and gives them to the Tooth Fairy, her
daughter will be cured. Long story short, she finds the teeth and
gives them back to the Tooth Fairy, only to learn that the Fairy is
actually an Ogre who killed a bunch of children in 1940 (the town
blamed the deaths on wolves!) and once the husband discovered who his
wife really was, he pulled out her teeth and locked her in the
wardrobe closet. Since the Tooth Fairy has all her own teeth back,
she is now an Ogre once again, leading to Helena's death and Sophie
being committed to the insane asylum. In a scene that will chill you
to your core, Sophie sits outside on a bench at the asylum, cursed to
see the visage of her dead daughter, looking out at her from the same
window the dead husband did, for the rest of her life. This is a very
well made film, directed and written by the relatively new team of
Christian Bisceglia and Ascanio Malgarini (also this film's visual
effects supervisor,
which are well done), with many very frightening and well-timed
scares. It also has many WTF?!? scenes, including a room raining down
teeth, Sophie lifting her covers in bed to discover she is covered in
flies and a locker in the asylum turning into something very deadly.
I saw this on streaming channel Screambox
($4.99 a month and well worth it) in a beautiful anamorphic
widescreen print. Even though it is an Italian film, everyone speaks
English, so those opposed to reading subtitles need not worry (you
know who you are). A DVD from Salient Media is also available and it
will cost you $3.99 to watch it streaming on Amazon Prime. No matter
what way you see it, it is recommended. This is a film you should
watch late at night with all the lights out, if you want to be scared
out of your mind. This beats all those BlumHouse supernatural films
when it comes to scares and frightening gory images. Also featuring
Matt Patresi, Giuliano Montaldo (director of GRAND
SLAM - 1967 and MACHINE
GUN MCCAIN - 1969), Marco Fattibene and Susanna Cornacchia
as the Tooth Fairy/Ogre. Not Rated.
UPDATE: Now available streaming
for free on Amazon Prime!
HELLRAISER:
INFERNO (2000) - The fifth
film in the HELLRAISER
franchise (also known as HELLRAISER
5: INFERNO) is a pretty good murder mystery that would have
done just as well without Pinhead (Doug Bradley) and the rest of the
Cenobites. Detective Joseph Thorne (Craig Sheffer; NIGHTBREED
- 1990) is not the best of cops. He cheats on his wife with
prostitutes, plants evidence to convict people who have beaten the
court system and
seems to be the only cop who believes that there is a serial killer
out there who is nicknamed "The Engineer". It seems someone
is tearing people apart with hooks (including the last prostitute he
was with) and leaves a finger of the same little boy at all the crime
scenes. When Joseph's detective partner Tony Nenonen (Nicholas
Turturro; NYPD BLUE
- 1993-2005; whose character's name is a palindrome) and his Captain
(Carmen Argenziano; GRADUATION
DAY - 1981) becomes worried about Joseph's sanity, he
is sent to a psychiatrist/priest Dr. Paul Gregory (James Remar; QUIET
COOL - 1986) to talk about his problems. When Joseph finds
the Lament Configuration Box and opens it, his life turns into a
total nightmare. He begins seeing things that can't possibly be
there, like a pair of female Cenobite tatoos moving on a tattoo
artist's back. To make a long story short, Dr. Gregory turns out to
be none other than Pinhead (a.k.a. "The Engineer"), who
doesn't punish Joseph (not at first), but sends him on a quest that
will finally make Joseph see the light. Turns out that the fingers
found at the scene of the crimes are none other than Joseph's when he
was a child, so he is transported back to a time when he was a child
to unravel the mystery. What he discovers is not what he
expected. Freshman feature film director/co-writer Scott
Derrickson (THE EXORCISM
OF EMILY ROSE - 2005; THE
DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL - 2008) keeps the viewer quite
entertained until the "What The Fuck?!?" finale, where it
seems he and co-writer Paul Harris Boardman couldn't quite figure out
a proper ending for the film. That's a shame, because I was having a
good time with it before the abrupt finale that really doesn't
measure up to the rest of the film (It seems like Joseph is cursed to
relive the same day over-and-over for all eternity. Does that remind
you of anything?). Like I said before, the film would have worked
well enough without any of Clive Barker's characters (the Pinhead
character is in the film for five minutes, tops, and the other
Cenobites have even less time) and would have been a good cop
thriller/mystery without it. Too bad the ending ruins everything that
came before it. Also starring Nicholas Sadler, Noelle Evans, Lindsay
Taylor, Matt George and the late Kathryn Joosten (DESPERATE
HOUSEWIVES - 2004-2012) as Joseph's mother. HELLRAISER:
HELLSEEKER (2001) was the next film in the series.
Originally released on VHS and DVD by Dimension Home Video (now
"The Weinstein Company") and then released on DVD &
Blu-Ray in HELLRAISER
multi-packs by Echo Bridge Home Entertainment
when Dimension no longer distributed DVDs (but still using the
Dimension name to sell them!). Please stay away from HELLRAISER:
REVELATIONS (2010), the newest installment in the franchise,
as it is an abomination and they used someone other than Doug Bradley
to play Pinhead. Blasphemous! Rated R.
THE
HELL'S GATE (1989) - This is one
of three horror films director Umberto Lenzi made for Italian TV in
1989, the others being THE HOUSE OF
LOST SOULS and THE
HOUSE OF WITCHCRAFT (which were part of the "Houses Of
Doom" TV series, of which this film was not). It was also a
selection in the "Lucio Fulci Presents" series of films for
home video, movies not directed by Fulci himself, which also included MASSACRE
(1989), THE MURDER SECRET
(1989), BLOODY PSYCHO
(1989), ESCAPE FROM DEATH (1989)
and HANSEL E GRETEL
(1990), something Lenzi did not approve of (He and Fulci never got
along). It is also my favorite film directed by Lenzi in the twilight
of his career, warts and all (and there are plenty of them!). It's
also fairly gory for a TV movie, but in Italy, you could get away
with more blood and gore than you could at that time on American TV.
Let's get the the film itself...
Taking place two years in the future (in 1991), we see head
scientist Dr. Johns (a still-handsome, but white-haired, Giacomo
Rossi Stuart; KILL, BABY...KILL!
- 1966)) leading an experiment on the effects of extended isolation
on a human being, where volunteer Maurizio (Gaetano Russo; TRHAUMA
- 1979) has been isolated in a cave for 78 days with no televisons,
clocks, radios or human interaction, just a phone to be used for
emergencies only. Maurizio is being watched closely by CCTV cameras
to study his demeanor and he seems to be holding up nicely, although
Dr. Johns and his crew, which includes assistant Erna (Barbara
Cupisti; STAGEFRIGHT
- 1987), technician (and Erna's love interest) Paul (Pietro Genuardi; PAGANINI
HORROR - 1989) and scientist Manfred (Lorenzo Majnoni), want
to get him out of the cave within the hour, Dr. Johns telling them as
soon as the news crews and reporters arrive, they will get him out
(Dr. Johns seems to be more interested in the publicity and money he
will get for further experiments). But things are about to go very,
very wrong, as Maurizio uses the phone for the first time telling
them to get him out of there immediately, there are human skulls full
of maggots, a huge burning cross in front of him and saying "They
are coming to get me!" Then all the CCTV cameras go out and Dr.
Johns says that he and his crew must go down to the cave and rescue
Maurizio because it is apparent that his mind has snapped. Wanna bet?
As Dr. Johns and his three-person crew are about to descend into the
cave system, they are stopped by college students and amateur
archaeologists Laura (Andrea Damiano; her only film) and Theo (Mario
Luzzi), who tell Dr. Johns that they need to go with them because the
cave system is connected to a nearby church with an ancient and
deadly history. Dr. Johns lets them come because Laura has detailed
maps of the cave system which may help them find Maurizio. The now
six-member crew arrive at Maurizio's living space in the cave, but he
is not there. Suddenly, every electronic device starts exploding
(including all the devices Erna, Dr. Johns, Paul and Manfred brought
with them) and Laura gets separated from everyone else. The rest of
the crew tries to find Maurizio, but Theo decides to look for Laura
instead (he has the hots for her). Laura finds what she is looking
for, a sacrificial chamber that has a huge stone tablet on one of its
walls. Laura begins translating the tablet into her cassette recorder
and it tells us that, in the year 1291, seven Benedictine monks were
murdered for heresy by the Catholic Church, but before they died,
they promised to return in seven hundred years (Do the math!) and
kill seven people whom they believe are guilty of religious heresy,
thereby returning them to immortal life and a Hell on Earth. Laura
then has her head cleaved open with an ancient stone axe and is
stabbed seven times, the stab wounds forming the shape of a cross.
Theo is then caught in an ancient booby-trap, where an iron cage
entraps him and a heavy stone containing seven spikes descends
rapidly from a hole in the ceiling, impaling Theo seven times (and
forcing one of his eyes to pop out of its socket!).
The number "7" becomes a major character unto itself in
this film, as there are seven people in the cave (including Maurizio)
and when Dr. Johns discovers Laura's dead body and listens to her
translation of the tablet, he still doesn't believe in such religious
mumbo-jumbo because he is a scientist and only believes in facts, not
the supernatural, but when Erna asks why they would be considered
religious heretics, it turns out Laura and Theo were Jehovah
Witnesses (they told Dr. Johns that fact before they descended the
cave), Dr. Johns is an Athiest, both Paul and Manfred are Jewish and
Erna is a lapsed Protestant, all of them considered
"heritics" by the Catholic Church in the Thirteenth
Century. Dr. Johns and his crew find Maurizio, who has his leg
hopelessly trapped under a boulder, so Dr. Johns sends Manfred and
Paul back to the first cave to retrieve the first aid kit. Manfred
and Paul become separated when a cave-in occurs and Manfred is then
killed. Dr. Johns starts believing in the supernatural when he finds
Manfred's dead body with seven ancient daggers impaled in his body,
forming the shape of a crucifix. As a matter of fact, Dr. Johns and
Erna become quite unglued, running around the cave system like
chickens with their heads cut off, when it is revealed the
cave-in has trapped them all inside with no way to escape.
Maurizio is killed when seven deadly spiders approach him and bite
him (The film's best scene, but still confusing, as Maurizio doesn't
even try to push the spiders away from him!). Paul is able to create
a workable short wave radio by combining two of their walkie talkies
together and contact the outside world, who tell them that they will
be freed shortly. The rescuers come and The three survivors
think they are saved, but Laura's recorder turns on and informs them
that the seven monks can transform into anything they want, be it
spiders or human beings and when they notice that there are seven
rescuers, they realize that their time is up. The rescuers transform
into the seven monks (the head monk portrayed by Paul Muller; NIGHTMARE
CASTLE - 1965; in a quick cameo) and each of them stab Dr.
Johns, Paul and Erna, killing them. But wait! It's not over yet,
folks! Just like in Umberto Lenzi's CITY
OF THE WALKING DEAD (a.k.a. NIGHTMARE
CITY - 1980), Erna wakes up in her trailer and walks out to
talk to Dr. Johns as he and everyone else are about to go into the
cave to get Maurizio. Suddenly the phone rings and Maurizio is on the
other end, telling Dr. Johns to get him out of there immediately,
there are human skulls full of maggots, a huge burning cross in front
of him and saying "They are coming to get me!" Erna notices
a cut on Dr. Johns cheek that he received in the cave when they first
tried to rescue Maurizio and then she knows she is about to live the
same night all over again, perhaps for all eternity. THE END.
Ending
aside and some foolish character traits from the cast (Dr. Johns and
Erna lose their shit rather easily, when they were solid as a rock
earlier), this is still a fun film, especially the way Umberto Lenzi
subtly tosses the number seven on screen, such as seven lit black
candles near every dead body and other examples I will let you
discover. This was also Giacomo Rossi Stuart's final screen
appearance, as he died in 1994 at the age of 69. Giacomo (also known
as "Jack Stuart") appeared in many Italian genre films, be
it Science Fiction (Antonio Margheriti's WAR
BETWEEN THE PLANETS - 1966 and SNOW
DEVILS - 1967), Gialli (THE
NIGHT EVELYN CAME OUT OF THE GRAVE - 1971; CRIMES
OF THE BLACK CAT - 1973), Spaghetti Westerns (KILL
DJANGO...KILL FIRST - 1971; THE
FIGHTING FIST OF SHANGHAI JOE - 1973), War Actioners (CHURCHILL'S
LEOPARDS - 1970), Horror (CALTIKI,
THE IMMORTAL MONSTER - 1959; DEATH
SMILES ON A MURDERER - 1973) and many other genres. He adds
a bit of class here until he starts to go off the rails, then he
becomes balls-out crazy. This is the last horror film by Lenzi that I
actually like (screenplay by Lenzi's wife, Olga Pehar; MEAN
TRICKS - 1992, Lenzi's final film), and besides the films I
already mentioned, he was also responsible for the awful HITCHER
IN THE DARK (1989) and the even worse BLACK
DEMONS (1991), which was Lenzi's final horror film. Hey, I'm
a realist and recognize that none of these films, this one included,
are anywhere near as good as Lenzi's earlier films from the '60s,
'70s & 'early-'80s (thanks to audience disinterest and rapidly
decreasing budgets, which led to the death of the Italian genre film
in the early-to-mid-'90s), but this is still an enjoyable,
quickly-paced, atmospheric flick that delivers what it promises. What
more could you ask for?
Shot as LE PORTE DELL'INFERNO ("The
Gates Of Hell"), this film didn't receive a theatrical
release in the United States, but received an English subtitled
fullscreen DVD from Dutch
label EC Entertainment. It is also available streaming on YouTube
from channel "Horror Realm" in a fullscreen print subtitled
in English (It's probably a port of the Dutch DVD, as I don't believe
it was ever dubbed into English or released in widescreen). That's
your two choices, at least for now. Also featuring Emanuele Turchi as
one of the seven monks (don't ask me which one!). Not Rated,
but even though there is no nudity, there are some very graphic
deaths, including the axe murder, Theo's death and various bloody stabbings.
THE
HIDDEN 2 (1993) - Just to remind you
how good the original THE HIDDEN
(1987) was, the filmmakers' of this turd
of a sequel include the original's final scenes in an absurd,
newly-edited form. It seems that when Kyle MacLachlan (who should sue
for defamation of character) blew away the alien at the press
conference, a dog picked up a piece of it and the alien uses the poor
mutt's body as an incubator. The dog hatches many alien eggs in an
abandoned warehouse. Fifteen years later, Michael Nouri's daughter
(Kate Hodge) joins forces with a good alien (Raphael Sbarge) to find
the newly-hatched aliens who take over the bodies of patrons of a
rave club opened at the abandoned warehouse. This is strictly
second-rate stuff which offers none of the suspense or humor of the
original, as the aliens just jump from one body to the next without a
plot to work with. The role Michael Nouri played in the first one is
portrayed by a different actor in this one (hey, Michael knows a dog
when he sees one!) Directed and written by Seth Pinsker (Who also
directed episodes of TV's EIGHT
IS ENOUGH [1977 - 1981]. Doesn't that tell you something?)
without a handle on the material. Also starring Jovin Montanaro,
Michael Weldon and Christopher Murphy. A New
Line Home Video Release. Rated R.
HIDE
AND GO SHRIEK (1987) - This is
just another one of those "horny kids trapped in a closed
department store while a crazed killer picks them off one-by-one"
film. Director Skip Schoolnik (who produced and directed episodes of
the TV series ANGEL
[1999 - 2004] and edited many
TV movies) goes through the paces setting up red herrings and stupid
horny teenager situations along the way. There's much nudity and
simulated sex as well as some tense moments (dig that realistic
decapitation by elevator that can only be seen in the Unrated
Edition, effects courtesy of Screaming Mad George), but the sad fact
is that there's too much cheese on this sandwich and not enough meat,
not to mention a denouement that would set GLAAD back fifty years.
There are some good points to this film: The acting is decent, the
effects are professional and the music (by John Ross) does set the
right mood. The bad points are that this is no different than
hundreds of films of the period that kill kids for having sex, being
someplace that they are not supposed to be and generally acting
idiotic. Hey, we've all been there, done that, but most of us are
still alive, unlike the participants of these films. Is this film
escapist fun? Well, yes, as long as you drink a six pack or toke on a
fattie. Just don't expect a mind-blowing experience. Starring
Brittain Fry, Rebunkah Jones, George Thomas, Donna Baltron, Scott
Fults, Annette Sinclair and Scott Kubay as the killer. A New Star
Video Release. Available in both R-Rated and Unrated
versions. The only difference in the two versions is a two second
shot of the aforementioned decapitation. Soon to be available on DVD
& Blu-Ray from Code
Red.
THE
HILLSIDE STRANGLER (2004) - This
is the ultimate nadir in filmmaking. This film was only made to
pander to those freaks who like to watch women being tortured while
stripped naked. An anorexic C.Thomas Howell (who plays serial killer
Kenneth Bianchi)
travels to California and moves in with his abusive cousin Angelo
Buono (Nicholas Turturro, who should absolutely be ashamed of
himself) and they both proceed to kidnap, kill and rape (yes, in that
order!) random women they find on the highway. The first women turn
out to be prostitutes, so they do not draw too much attention, but
when they start turning their attention to teenage runaways and more
affluent women, they start to draw the attention of the newspapers,
TV News and the Police. Angelo goes bonkers, threatens Kenneth with a
gun and tells him to cool it for a while. Kenneth becomes a sex
therapist (!) while hiding his murderous urges from his
straight-laced girlfriend (Allison Lange). This is sick stuff that
should not be viewed lightly, yet director Chuck Parello, who also
made the understated and affecting ED
GEIN (2000), gives barely any reason why these two guys do
the hideous things that they do (besides having overbearing mothers)
and leaves nothing to the imagination. Howell acts likes he's high on
cocaine all the time and Turturro is just plain terrible as the
pain-inflicting and sweaty overweight accomplice. Everyone involved
here should take a cold shower and wash away all their sins. I was
hoping to find some redeeming conclusion, but there isn't any. This
is sleaze at it's worst and if this review makes you go out and rent
or buy this film: SHAME ON YOU!!! Of all the recent serial killer
movies that have been made in the past few years, nothing is lower
than this one. Not to be confused with HILLSIDE
STRANGLER (the title was changed to RAMPAGE:
THE HILLSIDE STRANGLER MURDERS to avoid confusion) made the
same year and directed by Chris Fisher, who also made the serial
killer film NIGHTSTALKER
(2002) and the DONNIE DARKO
(2001) sequel S. DARKO (2009).
Confusing, isn't it? A Tartan Video
DVD Release. Unrated.
The title was later changed to THE
HILLSIDE STRANGLINGS.
THE
HORRIBLE SEXY VAMPIRE (1970) -
Continuing with my reviews of Public Domain (PD) horror films from my
childhood comes this Spain/Germany co-production, which is short on
logic or blood, but has a high yield of nudity.
After a long day in their car, Arthur and his young wife stop at a
hotel in Greenwich, Germany, just off the highway, for some rest and
relaxation. The wife strips naked, takes a quick bath and goes to
bed, while Arthur takes a shower. Suddenly, invisible hands grip
around Arthur's throat and choke the life out of him. It seems the
town of Greenwich is having a spate of unsolved murders, all the
victims being strangled. The coroner (Anastasio "Joe"
Campoy; THE CRIMES OF PETIOT
- 1973) tells the Commissioner Of Police (Luis Induni; THE
WEREWOLF AND THE YETI - 1975) that he believes the murders
are being committed by a vampire, but the Commissioner finds it hard
to swallow. The coroner shows him his father's diaries and one
passage says that in 1886, Greenwich went through a string of murders
similar to what is happening now. Further investigation reveals that
every 28 years, for 28 days, these murders happen and no one was ever
caught. And this is the year it is to happen again. The coroner
believes the Winninger Castle may hold the clues to solving these
murders, so the Commissioner gets a search warrant and heads to the
empty castle in the middle of the night (Why does he need a search
warrant if the castle is empty?). While he searches the castle with
some officers and the coroner, a policeman standing guard is
strangled in his car by the invisible hands. The rest of the search
party go into the castle's basement, where they see the tombs of
Baroness Winninger, who died in 1870, and Baron Winninger, who died
in 1886. They open the Baroness's tomb and find a skeleton, but when
they open the Baron's tomb, it is empty. The Commissioner believes
they are
dealing with a body snatcher and they head upstairs, where they hear
someone knocking on the front door. When they open it, the strangled
officer falls to their feet and Baron Winninger (Waldemar Wohlfahrt;
real name: Wal Davis; RINGS
OF FEAR - 1978) appears and strangles everyone in the castle.
A new Police Inspector (Barta Barri; THE
PEOPLE WHO OWN THE DARK - 1975) comes to Greenwich and it is
his job to solve the murders. Count Oblensky (Wohlfahrt again) comes
to town and drives to the family castle, only to find it locked-up.
He talks to the Inspector, who can find no one with the last name
Oblensky ever living in Greenwich, but the Count tells him that Baron
Winninger stipulated in his will that the castle will only be in his
name for all eternity and he shows the Inspector the will as proof.
We then see pretty young thing Regina (Adela Tauler) returning home
from work and then taking a shower in her apartment. She hears her
door buzzer, jumps out of the shower and answers it, only to be
strangled by the Baron, her topless body falling to the floor. The
Count makes himself at home in the castle and is paid a visit by the
Inspector. He agrees to help the Inspector solve the string of
murders (He is doing research on his family tree). The Count begins
reading the Baron's diary and learns he had a "sickness"
for several weeks that no doctor could diagnose. He then hears the
Baron laugh and goes down to the basement to investigate. The
Baron suddenly appears and just as quickly disappears, the Count
thinking his eyes are playing tricks on him, but he tells the
Inspector anyway (He thinks the Count was drunk!). But why are the
Count's dogs always barking? (And where in the hell did he get dogs
in just one day???).
A barmaid named Marianne (Patricia Loran) and her lover have sex in
her apartment above the bar. When they are done, her lover leaves
through the back door, only to fall victim to the invisible hands.
The Baron then appears in the apartment and chokes the life out of
Marianne. Susan (Susan Carvasal), the Count's girlfriend, arrives at
the castle and has him give her a tour of the castle. They make love
and then play a game of Chess (!). The Baron appears to the Count
(where we discover the Count's first name ifs Adolf!) and tells him
that since he is a blood relative, he cannot harm him in any way, but
Adolf realizes that doesn't mean he won't harm Susan. Will Adolf be
able to kill the Baron or will Susan become his next victim?
The first thing you'll notice when watching this film is that every
female in the cast has a nude scene (Regina's bush is so huge, it
pokes out the top of her panties!). The second thing you'll notice is
the total lack of blood or gory violence, which is strange
considering the subject matter. Director/screenwriter José
Luis Madrid (SEVEN
MURDERS FOR SCOTLAND YARD - 1971), credited on this print as
"Arthur Davidson", has fashioned a film with many ideas,
but not one of them is ever acted upon. That's too bad, because this
film is soaked with atmosphere, where dread is around every corner,
but the ridiculous English dubbing (Adolf: "I don't drink
too much!" Inspector: "That's what every drunk
says.") takes you right out of the film. Add bloodless vampires,
who would rather strangle you than bite you on the neck, into the mix
and what you end up with is a film that is great to look at (thanks
to the frequent nudity and some effective hand-held camera work), but
doesn't make a lick of sense (A vampire film with no vampirism? No
thank you!). The Baron is so easy to kill, you'll wonder why no one
has done it before.
Filmed as EL
VAMPIRO DE LA AUTOPISTA ("The Vampire On The
Highway"), this film did have a theatrical release in the United
States (distributed by First Line Films ), followed by many VHS
releases (most notably by Something Weird Video), thanks to it
falling into the Public Domain. Mill
Creek Entertainment (who else?) offers this film on many of
their DVD Compilations. My review comes from their THE
UNDEAD: VAMPIRE COLLECTION 20
movie Classic Features,
where they cram five films on one DVD! The print is scratchy and
windowboxed, but it is so compressed, I wouldn't advise blowing it up
to fit your HDTV screen because it will look blocky (it also has a
horizontal line in the middle left of the screen that plays through
most of the film). Also starring Paul Lancaster, Peter White, Kurt
Esteban (as "Kurt Gordon"), Victor Davis and Mary Trovar. Rated
R. Look for more PD reviews in the future. They may be readily
available, but they are rarely reviewed.
HOTEL
INFERNO (2013) - Ever since
"witnessing" (that's the best term) director/producer/screenwriter
Giulio De Santi's TAETER
CITY (2012), I had to build up enough nerve to witness his
next film, which is this extremely weird action/thriller/horror
hybrid, shot entirely in the "First Person", like some FPS
video game, but extremely violent and gory. If you have seen HARDCORE
HENRY (2015), you will know what the expect, but the fact is
this film came before it, even though it is not as well-known. The
film starts simple enough, but then veers off into territory quite
unexpected. We follow professional hitman Frank Zimosa (voiced by
Rayner Bourton) as he goes on his latest "job". He has been
hired by Jorge Mistrandia (voiced expertly by Michael Howe in a
chilling British tone), a bigwig that works for a mysterious
organization. Mistrandia has given Frank a special pair of glasses to
wear on the hit so he can watch him kill two people in the hotel room
next to Frank's, but he has some unusual requests before he kills the
husband/wife team of serial killers. He doesn't want Frank to use a
gun to kill them, but rather some strange tools he has supplied him,
which look like an ancient knife and axe. He wants Frank to remove
their brains from their head with the supplied tools and then cut
open their stomachs and remove their insides. Frank thinks the
request is weird,
but Mistrandia is paying him well, so why the fuck not do what he
says. Frank slowly enters the targets' room and kills the wife first,
splitting open her skull and then removing her brain, but he notices
that the brain is leaking some green slimy substance. He knows right
away that this is not normal and asks Mistrandia who these people are
and he tells Frank not to ask questions and do what he was paid for.
Frank then goes into the bathroom where the male member is in the
tub, saying he knew he would come to feed "Her". She needs
to be fed and killing him will feed her. Frank has no idea what he is
talking about (either do we) and questions Mistrandia again, being
told he will know everything at a later date when he needs to know
and to finish the job as requested, make sure these two people suffer
as much as possible. Frank has had enough and removes the glasses and
smashes them, only to discover that the hotel he is in is owned by
Mistrandia's organization for reasons that will be made clear later
in the film (and it's a doozy!). Everyone in the hotel is on
Mistrandia's payroll and now Frank is the target. He must try and
find a way out of the hotel before he loses his life, but it will be
extremely tough, because everyone in the hotel is infected by a
plague caused by "Her", who is also known as "The
Plague Spreader", a being from another dimension that
Mistrandia's ancestors captured in 400 A.D.. She needs to be fed fear
and pain to survive and Mistrandia uses his employees to create pain
in other people, but there is a deadly side effect. The more his
people kill, the more they become infected with the Plague, a disease
which deforms their bodies until they become nothing but green jelly.
Yeah, I know, this sounds far-out, but just go along with it because
this film is more about the action and bloody deaths, as Frank
traverses the hotel floor-by-floor, trying to find his way out before
he is infected, too, as Mistrandia taunts him on the hotel's intercom
system. You see, for every person he kills, he feeds the Plague
Spreader and he begins to become infected.
While nothing but a series of action and horror set-pieces, this is
a well-edited experience, as Frank uses guns, knives and even a
chainsaw to battle his way out of the hotel. The film's shining
moment is when Frank discovers a shotgun and uses it on the horde of
infected people coming after him. It is a non-stop barrage of deaths
by shotgun, as heads explode, body parts fly off and other gruesome
sights and you can't tell when the real life action ends and the
makeup effects take over, as they are seemlessly edited together.
While most people will find this movie hard to swallow, I found it a
mind-blowing experience (pardon the pun), because Giulio De Santi
definitely has talent to spare, supplying the tight direction and
editing, as well as the gory effects. Also excellent is the techno
music score by Protector101 and Razzaw, fitting perfectly to the
action on screen. Hey, I know this isn't rocket science and that this
is a cheap film, but it has the same "something" that I
found so appealing about his previous film. The Plague Spreader
(portrayed by Christian Riva) is a sight to behold, as she breathes
fire is such a strange way, you won't be able to take your eyes off
the screen. It's hard to explain the visuals in this film because
mere words cannot do it justice, so if your taste runs towards the
unusual and weird, seek out this short film (77 minutes). Also
featuring Wilmar Zimosa, Santiago Ortaez, Monica Muñoz,
Riccardo Valentiniand Giulio De Santi as an armless henchman.
Available on DVD & Blu-Ray from Wild
Eye Releasing and also available streaming on Amazon Prime, free
for Prime members. This film restores my faith in modern-day Italian
genre films! Two sequels have
already been made, with more to come. Not Rated.
THE
HOUSE OF LOST SOULS (1989) -
This is one of four TV films that made up the Italian TV series HOUSES
OF DOOM, which consisted of this one and THE
HOUSE OF WITCHCRAFT, both directed by Umberto Lenzi and
Lucio Fulci's THE SWEET
HOUSE OF HORRORS and THE
HOUSE OF CLOCKS (all 1989). I've been debating whether I
should treat these films more kindly since they are TV movies, but I
quickly brushed that idea aside because, frankly, these films are
lousy and contain no scares or tension. They are nothing but a
collection of haunted house clichés.
This one opens with geology student Carla (Stefania Orsola Garello)
being plagued by waking visions that includes: a Buddhist monk (Hal
Yamanouchi; ENDGAME
- 1983; here billed as "Yamaouchi Haruhiko") whacking away
at the head of a statue of Buddha with an axe until it bleeds; a big
hairy spider crawling on a woman's face; a skeleton in a wheelchair
coming towards her; and a young boy with bloody hands raised in the
air; until she screams in fear. Carla is part of a group of geology
students spending two months in the mountains studying fossils with a
grant supplied by their university and group member Kevin (Joseph
Alan Johnson; Fulci's SODOMA'S
GHOST - 1988) tells Carla not to worry about the visions
because, "It's okay, the doctors gave you a rational
explanation. You've got psychic powers. You're a medium!" (No
doctor on Earth would ever tell a patient that. Doing so would get
them banned from their profession!). Carla tells Kevin that she
doesn't want to be a medium, but Kevin says in two days their grant
ends so they will be back in civilization and her visions should end.
Wanna bet?
On their way back to civilization, the group stops at a gas station,
where reporter Daria (Licia Colo) is interviewing locals about the
sorry state of the area. She tells group leader Massimo (Matteo
Gazzolo; BODY PUZZLE
- 1992) that most of the roads to the big city are blocked due to
landslides, but he convinces the group to push on because it will
only get worse the longer they wait. They drive for hours and can go
no further because the only road is impassable. Carla's young brother
Gianluca (Constantino Meloni), who for some unknown reason
is part of the group, says he saw a sign for a hotel about a mile
back, so they turn around and drive to it, only to find it is closed.
Suddenly, a light comes on and a strange silent man (Charles
Borromel; WHITE APACHE
- 1987), the hotel proprietor, appears at the front door. Kevin
pleads with the man to let them spend the night there, they are cold
and don't want to drive back to the nearest village, promising that
they won't be any trouble. The proprietor shakes his head in
agreement and gives them the keys to three rooms. Carla tells Kevin
that the proprietor scares her and she doesn't trust him, but Kevin
tells her not to look a gift horse in the mouth, handing her the keys
to Room 13 (!), which she will share with Gianluca.
Carla can't sleep and hears noises, so she gets up to investigate
and ends up in the hotel's basement, where an unplugged TV shows her
a man killing his wife with an axe and then going after his young
son. Just as the man is about to split the boy's head in two with the
axe, the TV screen explodes and Carla screams, waking up nearly
everyone, except for Gianluca and the proprietor. Kevin calms Carla
down by telling her everything is all right; she was just having a
nightmare. Group member Mary (Laurentina Guidotti; SPECTERS
- 1987) can't find her boyfriend Guido (Gianluigi Fogacci) and goes
looking for him, only to end up trapped inside a walk-in freezer with
two human corpses hanging on meat hooks. Gianluca, who has slept
through his sister's ordeal, wakes up to find blood dripping on him
from the ceiling and his bed is crawling with deadly tarantulas. He
screams and everyone runs to his room and find Gianluca not
breathing. Kevin revives him (and blames his condition on bad
nightmares! Is that his answer to everything?), when Guido notices
that Mary is missing. Guido finds her nearly frozen to death in the
freezer but he has a hard time believing Mary when she tells him
about the two frozen stiffs in the freezer, when none can be found.
Everyone finally notices that strange things are happening to them,
so they decide to find the proprietor and question him, but he's
nowhere to be found. Kevin and Massimo go looking for him and find
fresh blood in the cemetery (every hotel or house in films like this
have a cemetery!), along with a strange medallion with "Mandalay
May 6, 1969" written on one side. What could it possibly mean?
It turns out the proprietor was actually a serial killer accused of
beheading some of the hotel's guests back in May of 1969 with the
help of his young son. As the proprietor was about to go on trial for
the murders, he committed suicide and the decapitated heads of his
victims were never found. Will Kevin be able to find the severed
heads behind the hotel's walls using his trusty metal detector
(What??? Is he hoping to locate their fillings?) and end this
supernatural haunting before the entire group is beheaded? Do you
even care? I sure didn't!
Believe me when I say you won't give two shits to what happens to
any of them because this is one of the most lazily written late-'80s
haunted house thrillers to come down the pike in quite some time and
that's saying a lot. Since this is actually a TV movie written and
directed by the usually dependable Umberto Lenzi, I was expecting a
lot more than what I was delivered. Lenzi, like most Italian genre
directors, lost their mojo during the latter half of the '80s &
early-'90s, Lenzi giving us the lousy WELCOME
TO SPRING BREAK (1988), HITCHER
IN THE DARK (1989), the aforementioned THE
HOUSE OF WITCHCRAFT (1989) and BLACK
DEMONS (1991) during this sad period in Italian genre
history. This is a film where people do the most idiotic things
possible at the most inopportune times, so you'll be wishing for
their demise long before it happens. The fact is, these characters
are insufferable and deserve their deadly fates, but since this is a
TV movie, the camera pulls away before the blood begins flowing,
leaving us to wonder the point of the film (The worst you will see
are a couple of bloodless severed heads rolling on the ground,
Guido's leg getting caught in a bear trap and Massimo being beheaded
by a falling windowpane, none of it very original or exciting). I'm a
big Umberto Lenzi fan, especially his films from the '70s, but I
would be lying to you if I said any of his late-'80s/early-'90s films
were any good. The fact is they aren't, but I believe the cause was
Italian genre cinema was dying a very quick death, thanks to viewer
disinterest, extremely low budgets and sloppy, clichéd
screenplays. I would love to get in a time machine and change this
time in Italian genre film history, because all we have now are these
films to remind us how bad it really was for our favorite directors
to find employment is such dark, dire times. It didn't just happen to
Lenzi, it also affected Lucio Fulci, Sergio Martini, Ruggero Deodato,
Lamberto Bava and many others.
Shot as LA
CASA DELLE ANIME ERRANTI (a literal translation of the review
title) and also known as GHOSTHOUSE
3, this film never had a theatrical or home video release in
any physical format in the United States, but a nice anamorphic
widescreen print, dubbed in English, can be found streaming on
YouTube from user "Horror Realm" if you must watch it. Also
featuring Beni Cardoso (SCALPS
- 1987), Fortunado Arena (13
WAS A JUDAS - 1971) and Marina Reiner as the hotel's ghosts. Not
Rated.
HUMONGOUS
(1981) - Director Paul Lynch made this inferior horror film right
after his surprise hit PROM NIGHT
(1980). A
group of stupid boating teenagers become stranded on Dog Island,
populated by packs of ravenous dogs and a mutated man with
Acromegaly, the same disease that affected actor Rhondo Hatton. Only
this man has a taste for teen flesh and begins picking off all the
teens after he has eaten all the dogs. The film would be much better
if the screen wasn't so dark during the kill scenes (most of the
killing takes place at night, of course). You end up squinting to see
the action and gore (some of it trimmed to get an R rating) resulting
in Excedrin headache #10. I hear that the Canadian video version of HUMONGOUS
is much lighter and retains all the gore missing from this version. I
suggest you track that one down as you will find no enjoyment in this
version. The killer is barely shown, the gore is dark and ugly and
the screenplay is nearly non-existant (it deals with a rape 36 years
earlier that resulted in this mutant offspring). While there is
nudity and an ending which, thankfully, does not leave room for a
sequel, I can't recommend this film to any seriuos slasher buff. Even PROM
NIGHT, which was highly derivative in the slasher film genre
(even this early in the game), is much more enjoyable than this.
Starring Janet Julian, David Wallace, John Wildman, Janit Baldwin,
Garry Robbins as the killer and Page Fletcher (TV's THE
HITCHHIKER [1983 -1991]) as the rapist. Also known as DOG
ISLAND. An Embassy
Home Entertainment VHS Release. Also available on uncut DVD
from Scorpion Releasing,
but the print is in less than pristine condition (It is one of
Scorpion's worst releases [which looks like a VHS port], so buyer
beware). Scorpion has released the film on Blu-Ray in a new print
which looks much better than their DVD. Rated R.
HUNTER'S
BLOOD (1987) - A
good example of the "terror in the woods" genre that reads
like a who's who of
B movie stars. The story deals with five friends who go deer hunting
and run into trouble with a pack of poachers. The poachers are so
slimy and disgusting they would give inbreeders bad nightmares! It
turns into a tale of survival, as the hunters become the hunted. The
special effects are excellent, especially the aftermath of a shotgun
blast to the head (it's truly a "Holy Shit!" moment). The
acting is generally good, with a nice performance from Joey Travolta
as a novice in the woods. Bruce Glover and Billy Drago, as two of the
poachers, look and act truly demented. HUNTER'S
BLOOD is the best movie of its type since John Boorman's DELIVERANCE
(1972) and Jeff Lieberman's JUST
BEFORE DAWN
(1980). It's so good, it made me wanna squeal like a pig! Be prepared
for a real downbeat ending. Also starring Sam Bottoms, Clu Gulager,
Ken Swofford and Billy Bob Thornton in a small role as "Billy
Bob". Directed by Robert C. Hughes (MEMORIAL
VALLEY MASSACRE
- 1988, DOWN
THE DRAIN
- 1989). WRONG TURN (2003) and its
five sequels (2007 -
2014) are other recent movies dealing with backwoods inbreds. An Embassy
Home Video VHS Release. For some unknown reason, this excellent
film has yet to find a DVD or Blu-Ray release yet, but never say
never. Rated
R.
INTERFACE (1984) - The computer nerds take a beating once again; this time they are playing a life or death game on a college campus with death meaning murder. Can the college professor (John Davies) figure out who is doing it before he becomes the next statistic? Undistinguished first feature from Andy Anderson, who later would hit critical acclaim with the film noir POSITIVE I.D. (1987). There are a couple of good scenes, including when the professor gets caught in the raw and must escape through town wearing nothing but a smile. Worth renting if your sights aren't set too high. A Vestron Video Release. Not Rated.
INVASION
OF THE BLOOD FARMERS (1972)
- They
sure don't make them like this anymore. A bunch
of Druids in Upstate New York are draining the blood of the local
population in hopes of resurrecting their queen. While this is by no
means a good film, it is good for a few laughs (look at the blood
draining machines and you'll spot swimming pool pumps as the main
component!) and some surprising gore for a PG-rated film (back when
PG meant more than family-friendly fare). Director Ed Adlum also
produced and co-wrote (with Ed Kelleher) the fake bigfoot gore film SHRIEK
OF THE MUTILATED
(1974), which should be watched back-to-back with this one. This type
of extremely low budget film just doesn't get made any more, which is
a shame (I must have seen this film more than 6 times on double and
triple-bills during the 70's & early 80's). Starring Norman
Kelley, Tanna Hunter, Bruce Detrick, Jack Neubeck and Frank Iovieno.
Photographed by Roberta Findlay (as Frederick Douglass) and edited by
Michael Findlay (director of SHRIEK
OF THE MUTILATED). INVASION
OF THE BLOOD FARMERS
was originally released on VHS by Regal
Video, Inc. A Retromedia Entertainment
DVD Release. Finally available in its original aspect ratio on a double
feature DVD from Code Red
with SILENT
NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT (a.k.a. DEATHOUSE
- 1972), a public domain horror film that finally gets the proper
treatment it deserves and is also shown in its original aspect ratio. Rated
PG.
THE
ITEM (1998) - Freaky
little horror/action film about a group of four gun-toting cons who
agree to pick up a strange electronically sealed package and sit on
it for 24 hours for a fee of over one million dollars. Curiosity gets
the better of them as they open the package and unleash one of the
strangest creatures to ever grace the screen. It looks like a giant
stitched-together penis and soon it has the four cons turning on each
other and anyone who comes into the apartment. This Item speaks
perfect English and knows all your fears, hopes and dreams and uses
them against you. Filled with scenes of jaw-dropping violence (some
of which is downright hilarious), gunfights, verbal sparring and
characters that have to be seen to be believed. Director/Screenwriter/Star
Dan Clark is to be congratulated for turning such a low budget film
with such a weird premise into a treat for the eyes and the ears.
This is a close as you can get to watching an art film and still call
it horror. I like to think of it as Art House Exploitation. Mr. Clark
is a force to watch out for in the future. Also starring Dawn Marie
Velasquez, Dave Pressler, Dan Lake, Ron Fitzgerald and Judy Jean
Kwon. An Artisan Home Entertainment Release. Unrated.
THE
JACKHAMMER MASSACRE (2003)
- Who is giving director Joe Castro money to keep making films?
After the disasterous CEREMONY
(1994), LEGEND OF THE CHUPACABRA
(1997), TERROR TOONS (2001; and
a 2007 sequel), NEAR
DEATH (2003) and several others, someone seems to think that
this guy has talent. Whoever he or she is should go to an eye doctor
and have them checked right away. This pitiful excuse for a film portrays
the downfall of once promising businessman Jack Magnus (Aaron
Gaffey), who begins to tweak a special brand of methamphetamine with
his old high school chum Mike (Kyle Yaskin) and becomes hopelessly
addicted to the stuff, even though it kills his friend on the first
try. He begins to have paranoid hallucinations that everyone is out
to get him (and is also haunted by the ghost of Mike), picks up the
titled tool and begins to run everyone through with it. Castro also
supplies the special makeup effects (he's better at this than
directing) and includes a truly cringe-inducing scene of Jack
cleaning out his infected, swollen arm with q-tips and peroxide.
There's also scenes of the jackhammer (with the longest extension
cord in movie history) entering body parts, including the mouth,
stomach, ass and other extremities, eyes being poked out, a lesbian
scene and all the actors take off their shirts at one point or
another, making some of the scenes look like a gay porn video. If
Castro was trying to tell us that taking drugs was bad, point
well-taken, even if it is heavy-handed. Otherwise this is just a
gore-soaked, badly-acted snoozefest with no redeeming value and an
ending which will probably lead to an unwanted sequel. If that
interests you, then go for it. I just found it dull and listless,
like some drug addict's libido. Also starring Evan Owen, Nadia
Angelini, Desi O'Brian, Bart Burson and Joe Haggerty. A Lions
Gate Home Entertainment Release (I'm still having a hard time
believing that they would pick this up for distribution.). Rated R.
JACK
THE RIPPER GOES WEST
(1973) -
This is a severely-edited feature once known as KNIFE
FOR THE LADIES and had a TV and foreign VHS release under
the title SILENT SENTENCE.
Cut down to 51 minutes by Bryanston Pictures (originally 89 minutes;
this version was probably used as the bottom film on a double and
triple-bill), the film is not boring as all the edits seem to
sacrifice character development and not the violence. The small
western town of Mescal (actually filmed in Tuscon, Arizona) is
experiencing a series of women of ill-repute having their throats
slit by some mysterious person wearing black gloves. A detective
(Jeff Cooper of CIRCLE
OF IRON
- 1978) is sent to investigate much to the consternation of the town
sheriff (the
always wonderful Jack Elam). The two are adversaries at first, but
after a big fistfight between them, they join forces to find the
killer. The town matriarch, Elizabeth Mescal (Ruth Roman of THE
BABY - 1973), who recently lost her son Travis, is the only
clue to the killings. After the fatal stabbing of the town
barber/mortician, the sheriff and the detective figure out the case.
It seems Elizabeth's son Travis (Peter Athis) didn't die and is
slowly dying of syphilis, which he caught off the town's whores. She
keeps him locked in a cage upstairs in her house feeding him a strong
pain killer to keep him alive and manageable. Elizabeth is killing
the women (and men) in retribution for her son's condition. The film
ends with her severely-scarred son falling off a staircase trying to
stop his mother from killing the town's good girl Jenny (Diana
Ewing), Both mom and son die. Director Larry G. Spangler (THE
SOUL OF NIGGER CHARLEY - 1973) does a good job with the
suspense and even gives his son Jon Spangler a major role as Seth, a
kid who accuses the wrong person for killing one of the women, which
leads to the man's death by hanging. Gene Evans (DEVIL
TIMES FIVE - 1974) also appears as a man who wants the
sheriff's job, only to get caught in a gunfight with the sheriff and
losing. The short running time never gives the film a chance to bore,
but you can tell good chunks of character exposition is missing
between the killings. Brentwood offered this film on DVD in it's BLOOD
BATH 2 compilation. It looks like the film was mastered from
a VHS tape as there are instances of tape rolling and fluttering. You
do get the choice of listening to it in Dolby Digital 5.0 though.
Horror Westerns are a rare breed, so I think this scarce film alone
is worth the DVD's price of $9.98. Also starring John Kellogg, Derek
Sanderson and Phillip Avenetti. Amazingly, this was released on an uncut
anamorphic widescreen Blu-Ray by Code
Red (Available only through Screen
Archives Entertainment) for the very first time in the United
States. And it looks magnificent! Rated
R.
KILLER
CROCODILE 2 (1990) -
This sequel to 1989's KILLER
CROCODILE, which was directed by Fabrizio De Angelis (the THUNDER
WARRIOR [1983 - 1986] and KARATE
WARRIOR [1988 - 1993] series), who produced/co-wrote this
one, handing over directorial reigns to Italy's answer to Tom Savini,
FX maestro Giannetto De Rossi (whose first directorial effort was CY
WARRIOR: SPECIAL COMBAT UNIT - 1989), begins where the
original left off, with Kevin (returning actor Richard Anthony
Crenna; THE BLOB - 1988)
destroying the giant crocodile by throwing the spinning blades of an
outboard motor in its mouth, which then explodes, blowing off the
crocodile's head. We then see one of the crocodile's eggs hatch,
which means it won't be long until people end up missing or dead.
Sure enough, about a year later, a young couple go wind surfing,
only for the young lady to get plucked out of the water, a tasty meal
for the killer crocodile. We then find out why this crocodile is
going rogue. Just like the first film, toxic waste is to blame,
illegally dumped in the swampland of the crocodile's home by a
chemical company out to save a few bucks. Russel (Franco Fantasia; EATEN
ALIVE! - 1980) phones his friend Kevin, saying he has
something to tell him (but not over the phone, which defies all logic
and is a trope used in far too many Italian genre flicks), only he is
killed by three goons working for the chemical company when he
secretly inspects one of their waterfront warehouses and finds drums
of toxic waste.
Novice reporter Liza (Debra Karr) gets a tip about illegal dumping
in this unnamed Caribbean country (filmed in the Dominican Republic),
so she flies there to continue her investigation. Meanwhile, the
crocodile is cutting a bloody swatch through the swamp, chowing down
on a group of schoolchildren as they travel down river, while a nun
watches helplessly as her charges turn the water red. Liza goes to a
press conference, where an official announces that all illegal
dumping has stopped and all the barrels of toxic waste have been
recovered, saying that the swampland is clear, so a new resort can be
built on the land. Liza is sure he is lying, especially when she
finds drums of waste in a warehouse, so she calls her boss to give
him the details. Her boss doesn't trust her to get the full story
because she is a novice, so he tells her he is sending her former
flame, Kevin, to help her uncover the truth. Liza is not happy about
it, so she hires a boat before Kevin gets there and begins searching
for drums of waste in the swampland to prove the official is not
telling the truth. Unfortunately, she hires a boat belonging to one
of the chemical company's goons and he tries to rape her, only Liza
is having none of it, pulling out a switchblade and telling the
rapist that she is from New York (!) and knocking him off the boat,
where the crocodile bites off his head! A few moments earlier, the
crocodile kills the three goons who dumped the toxic waste earlier in
the film by bursting through a wall of their hut and dragging the
entire hut into the swamp water.
Kevin arrives in country, but when Liza doesn't contact him, he goes
looking for her in the swamp, finding her boat destroyed with the
crocodile's teeth prints on the wreckage. Kevin goes to the swamp
home of hunter Joe (returning actor Ennio Girolami, as "Thomas
Moore"; LIGHT BLAST
- 1985) and tells him that another giant crocodile is in the swamp.
Kevin is sure Liza is alive and he's right, as we see her walking
through the jungle looking for a way out to civilization. Kevin and
Joe go searching for her, but the croc knocks Joe out of the boat and
kills him, but before he dies, he makes Kevin promise to kill the
crocodile ("Don't miss!"). Kevin intends to keep that
promise and a short time later he finds Liza and they come up with a
plan to kill the giant crocodile. Will they be successful? I bet
Joe's dynamite will stop this giant lizard and it may bring up other
secrets to the surface that the swamp holds.
While the first film had its moments (although very few of them),
this sequel is nothing but a retread, so if you saw the first one
there's no need to watch this one. The full-sized crocodile, created
by director/co-writer Giannetto De Rossi (Dardano Sacchetti, as
"David Parker Jr."; DEVIL
FISH - 1984, wrote the majority of the screenplay), is a
wonderful creation, but it is not used to its full potential here (it
is also obvious that this is a very low budget affair, no-budget
actually, since it was shot back-to-back with the original film, the
lion's share of the budget going to the first film). Riz Ortolani's (RINGS
OF FEAR - 1978) music score, which sounds like warmed-over JAWS
(1975), is also rehashed from the first film, causing a severe case
of déjà vu in anyone who saw the first film. If you are
going to make a sequel, at least add something original to the mix,
so the viewer doesn't become bored, which I was in spades. It also
doesn't help that everyone in this film does stupid things,
especially Liza, who, after being rescued by Kevin, goes jumping in
the swamp water looking for her Geiger counter, telling Kevin she was
sure she dropped it there earlier! The characters are nothing but dry
white toast, not helped by the awful dubbing, but I can't blame the
dubbers because they were probably more bored than I was. While there
is a smattering of blood and gore, as well as some female nudity
(Watch the pathetic way Liza seduces Kevin. It will have you laughing
at the ridiculousness of it all.), none of it particularly stands
out. If you want to see a cool crocodile and some nice scenery, but
not much of anything else, by all means search this film out.
Not released theatrically or on home video in any format (not even
streaming on Amazon Prime) in the United States, this film can be
found on YouTube from user "Eurocrime Realm" in a nice
anamorphic widescreen print dubbed in English. This user frequently
finds himself in "YouTube Jail", so if you can't find this
film now, you should be able to in a couple of months when he is
released from internet prison. Also featuring Alan Seigel (COP
TARGET - 1990), Terry Baer, Hector Alvarez, Alan Bult, Tony
de Noia, Frank Todd and Neil Maugham. This is the first and only film
many of them have ever appeared in (saving producer Fabrizio De
Angelis a ton of money). Not Rated. UPDATE:
Now available as an extra on a Limited
Edition Blu-Ray from Severin
Films, along with the original film and a CD soundtrack.
THE
KILLERS ARE OUR GUESTS (1974) -
It's amazing the films you can find on free streaming channels if you
don't mind the same commercial being repeated over and over. This one
is an Italian crime thriller that turns into a rape/revenge film. A
team of theives pull a heist in a jewelry store, yet for all
their careful planning, they don't take into consideration that a new
member of their gang will accidentally shoot one of their own during
the heist. That is exactly what happens here.
While successfully pulling the heist, new female member of the gang,
Eliana (Margaret Lee; SLAUGHTER
HOTEL - 1971), accidentally shoots Franco (Gianni Dei; SEX
OF THE WITCH - 1973) when firing her machine gun in the air
as they are leaving, to warn the people inside not to call the
police. Once in the getaway car, Mario (Giuseppe Castellano; SCREAMERS
- 1980), the supposed leader of the gang, wants to finish the heist
as planned and drive to the airport, but Eliana insists on taking
Franco to a doctor. Things go from bad to worse when their getaway
car gets into an accident, the getaway driver being knocked
unconscious. While Eliana and Franco leave on foot, Mario shoots the
getaway driver in the head so he won't talk to the police and then
steals another car by roughing up the car's driver. Mario picks up
Eliana and a seriously injured Franco, where Eliana says that Franco
needs a doctor fast and she knows how to find one. They stop at a
phone booth, where Eliana finds a doctor in a phone book (!) and they
drive to the address.
Meanwhile, Police Commissioner Di Stefano (Luigi Pistilli; THE
EERIE MIDNIGHT HORROR SHOW - 1974) is at the jewely store,
determined to capture the thieves. He is getting a lot of heat
from his superiors
to solve this case because the city of Milan is going through a
crimewave of robberies and murders. One of his men says it would take
a "miracle" to find these thieves and the Commissioner
tells him that they will find the thieves and to keep religion out of it!
Mario, Eliana and Franco arrive at the house of Dr. Guido Malerva
(Anthony Steffen; THE
NIGHT EVELYN CAME OUT OF THE GRAVE - 1971) and his wife Mara
(Livia Cerini). Mario forces his way into the house and Eliana begs
Guido to help her friend. The doctor says that Franco needs to be
operated on in a hospital, but Mario tells him if he wants to live,
he will perform the operation on Franco here and now. Guido
reluctantly agrees and the operation is a success (Mario acts tough,
but he refuses to watch the operation because he is squeamish), but
Franco cannot be moved, forcing the gang to stay in the house until
he can be moved. Mario calls the real head of the gang, heroin addict
Eddie (Sandro Pizzochero; THE
TEENAGE PROSTITUTION RACKET - 1975), who was the lookout at
the jewelry heist (and the brains of the gang), to tell him where
they are. Eddie tells Mario he is on his way.
The rest of the film details Mario's physical, mental and sexual
debasement of Mara and her husband, while Commissioner Di
Stefano and his men pick up clues that lead them to the house.
The question remains this: Will the Commissioner capture this gang or
will the doctor and his wife go all LAST
HOUSE ON THE LEFT on the brutally vicious Mario? Who will be
left and what will be left of them?
This is a very minor Italian crime actioner that suddenly turns into
a rape/revenge thriller. All the ingredients are here: A brutal
individual who believes sexually torturing a woman is nothing but
foreplay (He even watches Mara go to the bathroom); a wife who enjoys
putting down her husband, especially in the company of strangers,
even going as far as to flaunt her affairs in his face; the female
member of the gang, who has lesbian sex with Mara in front of her
husband, Mara smiling the entire time; the husband, who puts up with
his wife's verbal and sexual put-downs, but when things get to be too
much, he turns the tables on the gang; the leader, who is in a
drug-fueled haze, yet his word is gospel to the gang; and the cop,
who feels the pressure of his job, but proves to his superiors that
he is the man for the job. Yet, this film fails to register with its
intended audience for many reasons. It's indifferently acted, the
direction is bland, the music soundtrack is off-putting and the
English dubbing is horrendous. There's a scene in the film where one
of Mara's boyfriends comes to the front door and starts feeling her
up and kissing her naked breasts, while Guido and the gang listen to
the lover grunt and groan wildly. The grunts and groans push the
believability factor off the charts and is what is exactly wrong with
this film. Director/cinematographer/editor Vincenzo Rigo, who usually
directed sex comedies (this being his first film), fails to let his
actors make an impression, as they either overact or underact
shamelessly. The screenplay, by Renato Romano (an actor by trade,
appearing in THE
SECRET OF DORIAN GRAY [1970] and THE
IGUANA WITH THE TONGUE OF FIRE [1971]) and Bruno Fontana (ESCAPE
FROM WOMEN'S PRISON - 1978), offers nothing new to the
genre, just old hat ideas we have seen in countless films just like
it. The film ends with a "surprise" reveal, where Eliana is
actually Guido's lover and this whole thing was a setup so Guido
could murder his wife and blame it on the gang (Eliana purposely shot
Franco so she could take him and the gang to this house), but
Commissioner Di Stefano catches Guido and Eliana together at the
airport as they are about to fly to Buenos Aires, foiling their plan.
Don't think too hard or you'll see the inconsistencies of their plan
(like why did Eliana have to look in the phone book for Guido's
address?). That is the main reason why this film sucks so hard, it
offers nothing new and is just deja vu all over again. Deja vu all
over again.
Shot as GLI ASSASSINI
SONO NOSTRI OSPITI (a literal translation of the review
title), this film never had a theatrical or VHS release in the United
States, making its first appearance on these shores on DVD from Alpha
Digital (long OOP). I saw it for free on streaming channel Drive-In
Classics, who have the nasty habit of stopping the film every
ten minutes (I timed it) to show the same commercial over and over,
interrtupting the film at the most inconvenient times. When the film
finally comes back on, they repeat the last 60 seconds of the film
that you just watched! (Sometimes the commercials last longer than
ten minutes, as they aired the same 2 minute commercial for the drug
Humira five times in a row!). This station is worse than most network
stations when it comes to commercials, but at least their movies are
uncut, the closest equivalent I can come up with is the IFC Channel
and that is not a good thing. Also starring Giovanni Brusadori (REFLECTIONS
IN BLACK - 1975), Giancarlo Busi (GANG
WAR IN MILAN - 1973), Marino Campanaro, Ferdinando Borgonovo
and jeweler to the stars Antonio di Gennaro as himself (who?). Not Rated.
THE
KILLER WORE GLOVES (1974) -
Two unknown men at the London airport are carrying the identical
black satchels and walk into the bathroom. One man shoves the other
into a stall, cuts his throat with a straight razor and steals his
satchel. Peggy Foster (Gillian Hills; DEMONS
OF THE MIND - 1972) thinks she sees her boyfriend Michael
driving down the street and follows him, only to lose him in traffic.
Michael is a war photographer who has been on assignment in Vietnam
for the past four months and Peggy finds it odd that Michael would
return to London without telling her. She asks her friend Jackie
Polianski (Silvia Solar; EYEBALL
- 1975),
Michael's ex-lover, if she has heard from Michael, but bitchy Jackie
puts down Peggy and leaves (Why she would have Jackie for a friend is
beyond me). She then asks Michael's boss, Ronald James (Stelio
Candelli; TROPIC
OF CANCER - 1972), if Michael is back from Vietnam and after
relentlessly hitting on her with no luck, he tells her no, he should
still be in Vietnam. Is this connected in any way with what went down
at the airport? What do you think?
Peggy is then in her apartment taking a shower when her doorbell
rings. After throwing on a robe (Nudity alert!), she answers the door
and it is stranger John Kirk Lawford (Bruno Corazzari; THE
PSYCHIC - 1977), who arrives early to see the apartment
Peggy is renting upstairs. He tells Peggy he is sorry for arriving
early (he was supposed to be there at 10:00 am) and Peggy says no
problem, taking him to the apartment. It is Michael's apartment
upstairs and even though there is a staircase inside her apartment
that leads to the apartment, she takes him outside to her terrace,
where a spiral staircase also leads to the apartment. She tells Mr.
Lawford (He says to her, "Call me John.") that the inside
door to the apartment is always kept locked and not to try and open
it. Once in the apartment, John asks about the red lightbulb on the
wall and Peggy says this is her boyfriend Michael's apartment and she
is only renting it out because she needs the money; the red
lightbulb, when it's on, meant that Michael was in the darkroom and
not to come in. When Peggy leaves, John begins rummaging through the
apartment, as if he is looking for something.
Peggy gets a mysterious phone call by someone saying he is Michael,
telling her to meet him immediately at an abandoned small airport
nearby. When Peggy gets there, she walks into a huge hangar full of
old plane parts and someone takes a shot at her. Peggy runs to her
car and drives away, only to discover a crowd of people and the
police outside her apartment building. The building's superintendent,
Anthony (Goyo Lebrero; THE
APARTMENT ON THE 13TH FLOOR - 1972), tells Peggy that
someone jumped, or was pushed, from one of the top apartment
terraces, Peggy takes a look at the corpse and she is sure that it is
the new tenant, John. When she gets to her apartment, Police
Investigator Walton (Manuel Gas) tells Peggy that the stiff fell from
her terrace. She tells him about her new, dead tenant, but Anthony
interrupts, saying he saw no one enter the building at the time she
gave; he mans a desk at the building's only entrance and no stranger
passed by him, he is sure of it. Then another stranger (Angel del
Pozo; DEMON
WITCH CHILD - 1974) enters Peggy's apartment, apologizing for
arriving late and telling Peggy his name is John Kirk Lawford
("Call me Kirk."). The Inspector demands to see some
identification, which he provides, proving Kirk to be who he says he
is. The Inspector tells Peggy they have a mystery on their hands. If
the first man wasn't John Lawford, then who was he? And how did he
get by Anthony at the desk? The Inspector begins to think Peggy is
lying to him, but when he questions Peggy's nosy neighbor, the
obviously gay Mr. Lewis (Carlos Otero; DEVIL'S
KISS - 1976), who treats his beloved cat like a wife (!) and
plays the standup bass all night long (!!), he tells the Inspector
that he did see a stranger ring Peggy's doorbell at the time she
said, but, as far as the murder goes, he saw or heard nothing. With
Peggy now off the hook, we have to ask ourselves this: Who really was
the fake John and why did he want to be in Michael's apartment?
Instead of telling the real John Lawford to take a hike, Peggy lets
him live in the upstairs apartment, allowing him to use the entrance
inside her apartment (He is handsome, unlike the fake John Lawford).
When Peggy spills something on her blouse, she takes it off and
throws it into her bathroom hamper (which looks like a giant green
frog, hanging on the bathroom door), only to discover that there is a
black satchel in the hamper (like the one we saw in the beginning of
the film). She opens the satchel and discovers many large bundles of
cash inside. Peggy then goes to the nearest bank, rents a security
deposit box and places the satchel inside it (after taking some cash
for herself!), knowing that the contents of the satchel are nothing
but trouble and having it in her apartment is trouble she doesn't
need (smart woman). She doesn't realize that someone wearing black
leather gloves is willing to kill for possession of the satchel. Who
could it be? All we know about the killer is that he/she rides a
motorcycle and seems to love doing damage to people's throats,
whether by straight razor or improvising on the spot with whatever is
handy. Think you know who the killer is? It doesn't take much IQ
power to figure it out because I have given you enough clues in this review.
This Spain/Italy co-production is a very minor giallo film that is
spiced-up with full-frontal female nudity to keep you awake. I have
to say, however, that there are some scenes that made me laugh,
albeit unintentionally, such as when Peggy begins firing a pistol in
her apartment when she thinks the killer is there and mistakenly
shoots and kills Mr. Lewis' beloved cat! A few minutes later, we see
Mt. Lewis with a new (and cute) kitten, teaching it to enjoy his bass
playing. While Mr. Lewis is playing the bass, the killer sneaks up
behind him and strangles him with an extra bass string he had lying
around. There is also some funny dialogue between Anthony and his
overbearing, cigarette-smoking wife (Irene
D'Astrea), where Anthony, who mistakenly believes Peggy is pregnant,
wonders out loud how Peggy could get pregnant when Michael has been
away for four months. His wife mentions artificial insemination and
Anthony blurts out, "You're screwed by a geezer in a
freezer!" Director "John Wood" is actually Juan Bosch,
who also gave us THE
KILLER WITH A THOUSAND EYES
(1973) and the Paul Naschy film EXORCISM
(1975), as well as co-writing the screenplay to the hard-to-find
horror film BLOODY SECT
(1982; Vinegar Syndrome
recently released it on Blu-Ray). Bosch co-wrote this film's
screenplay with Renato Izzo, who also wrote or co-wrote the
screenplays to ADIOS, SABATA
(1970), THE KILLER
IS ON THE PHONE (1972) and the nasty NIGHT
TRAIN MURDERS (1974). To call the screenplay lazy is an
understatement, as the killings are infrequent, which is a sin for a
giallo film. Besides the ones I already mentioned, there's the murder
of Peggy's friend Shirley (Orchidea de Santis; SEVEN
MURDERS FOR SCOTLAND YARD - 1971), who doffs her clothes and
then gets her throat cut by the killer. There's also the death of
Jackie, who is working with the killer to steal the satchel from
Peggy when she is waiting in a subway station. When Jackie fails to
steal the satchel, the killer pushes her into the path of an oncoming
subway train. Most of the graphic murders happen in the final twenty
minutes of the film, leaving the remaining 65 minutes for
"character development". The identity of the killer is
fairly easy to determine (but I won't spoil it for you) and the
acting is flat and uninspired, but the early eerie electronic score,
by Marcello Giombini (KNIFE
OF ICE - 1972; THE
EYES BEHIND THE STARS - 1977), is very good, even though it
sounds like it was made for a different film. If you are a giallo fan
like me, you'll probably want to watch this film, cracks and all, but
all others have been warned.
Shot as LA
MUERTE LLAMA A LAS 10 ("Death Calls At 10", which
is a dead giveaway of [censored for your protection]) and also
known as HOT
LIPS OF THE KILLER, this film obtained a U.S.
theatrical release in 1975 through Taurus Associates, a division
of Peppercorn-Wormser Film Enterprises. This edited, R-Rated print
never received a legitimate home video release in the United States
in any format, but many gray market sites, like Rogue
Video, offer it on DVD-R.
A bit of warning: Even though this film is available for streaming
on YouTube, forget about the print offered by user "Giallo
Realm", because all the bloody gore is missing, but the nudity
remains (it looks to be an Italian TV edit). Look instead for the
print offered by user "sam butler" as, even though it is a
crappy fullscreen Greek VHS rip, it retains all the graphic violence.
I watched both versions and it is like watching two different films!
Also featuring Gabriel Agusti and Raf Baldassarre (GET
MEAN - 1975). The Greek Version is Not Rated.
THE
KILLING OF SATAN (1983)
-
Wild Filipino horror/fantasy film which doesn't skimp on the
gore effects. When Lando (Ramon Revilla) is shot in the head
protecting his family from a gang of thugs, he miraculously recovers
when the bullet hole disappears. Meanwhile, half a continent away,
Lando's uncle (who has magical powers) dies of a bullet wound to the
head but not before naming Lando as his successor as protector of the
village. Lando inherits his uncle's powers and he is going to need
them, for as soon as he sets foot in the village his daughter is
kidnapped by the Prince of Magic (Charlie Davao), who plans to give
the girl to Satan for carnal pleasure. Lando follows the Prince of
Magic into his huge underground lair where he must battle snakemen,
the Prince's minions, the Prince himself and, finally, Satan to save
the virtue of his daughter. Extreme gore (a face ripping, a chest
bursting, a man crushed by a large boulder) and cheap optical effects
somehow make this a highly watchable film. Viewing this film is like
having a dream while running a 105 degree fever. It doesn't make much
sense but it does pack a wallop. A cult classic begging to be
discovered. Also starring Elizabeth Oropesa, George Estregan, Paquito
Diaz and Cecille Castillo. Directed by Efren C. Pinon (ENFORCER
FROM DEATH ROW and BLIND RAGE
- both 1978). From Paragon
Video. Not
Rated.
KINGDOM
COME (2014) - As an Atheist, I
generally frown upon sin and redemption disguised as horror films,
but I must say that this one entertained me. Eight people, including
a young girl, wake up at an abandoned hospital (The movie was filmed
in a real abandoned mental hospital in the town of London, Ontario,
Canada) with no idea how they got there. I know what you are
thinking: They are all in Hell and have to pay for their sins in the
worst way, but you would be wrong. None of them seemingly know each
other, but there is evidence that they are all connected in some way,
even if it's a trivial matter. There also seems to be no means of
escape from the hospital. The angry Roger (JoJo Karume) sticks his
arm out of a boarded-up window a few stories up, but something with
sharp teeth bites him in the arm. Roger (who is the only black man
among them) has a major attitude problem and leaves the group to go
searching for a way out on his own. The other seven split up onto two
groups and go searching for the same thing. Every once in a while, a
member of the group has a flashback that gives us a little piece of
their background and
none of these flashbacks paint a good picture of any of them. But in
their flashbacks is usually another member of the trapped group.
Turns out that Roger was a notorious rapist and all his female
victims (none of them have a stitch of clothing on) appear in the
basement and rip Roger's stomach open, throwing his innards into the
air. Victoria (Chelsey Marie) goes to take a pee and when she gets
out of the stall, a junkie hands her a needle and the next thing we
see is Victoria screaming and being pulled under the stalls (It's
apparent Victoria was a junkie). Nadir (Soroush Saeidi) gets a visit
from his dead daughter Meesha (Sima Sepehri), who he accidentally
killed by smacking her in the face and falling down a flight of
stairs just for the mere fact she was dating a black man and he is
forced to hang himself with electrical wire before discovering it was
all a hallucination (Or was it?). Sam (Ry Barrett) has a flashback
where he killed his wife in a drunk driving accident while they were
celebrating their anniversary. Roaming the halls is the debonairre
Daniel Levine (Jason Martorino) and his entourage of
"Gatekeepers", winged demons from the bowels of Hell. He
takes particular interest in Sam and Jessica (Camille
Hollett-French), who seem to be the keys to this whole hospital
haunting. He kills some of the people in the abandoned hospital (some
of which we are never formally introduced to) according to their
crimes and the Gatekeepers drag the bodies away. But what could be
little girl Celia's (Ellie O'Brien) crime? What could a pre-teen girl
be so responsible for that she needs a demon to pass judgment on her?
Pedophile Charles (William Foley) finds Celia hiding in a dryer and
takes her hand and leads her away. Will his urges come over him
before Sam and Jessica can save her (they have grown quite fond of
her)? A child from Charles past, now a woman named Rachel (Katie
Uhlmann; who is part of the original eight), goes to kill Charles
because of sexual things he did to her in his past and Sam must fight
a war of words with Daniel to get her to stop from killing Charles.
Daniel wins (this time) and Rachel beats Charles to death with a pipe
and the Gatekeepers drag Rachel away (Human nature is a tough act to
break). "I can smell you, my little meat sacks!" is what
Daniel says as he chases Sam, Rachel and Celia through the hospital
corridors. Sam cuts off Daniel's hand when he grabs Rachel's hair but
seconds later, we see Daniel with two hands again. Sam is magically
dragged away by Daniel, but Jess seems to be in a room that Daniel
can't enter. Jess leaves the room to save Sam's life and she stabs
Daniel in the eye, but Daniel begins to psychically choke the life
out of Sam, while Jess begs him to stop. Daniel makes Jess aware that
Sam's drunk driving caused the death of her husband and herself.
"It must just eat away at you like a motherfucker!" is
Daniel's reply as he tries to get her to kill Sam. Jess instead says
to Sam, "I forgive you!", which leaves Daniel powerless to
do anything. Turns out Celia is working on the side of God, trying to
find the good in people (she found it in Nadir) and, as the
instrument of God, Daniel is pulled through a wall by some demon
hands. Celia is also the ghostly apparition of Jess' aborted baby and
she forgives Jess for her indiscretions (Jess was just a teenager
when it happened), so Celia whispers, "172. She's waiting."
to Sam, touches his cheek and suddenly Sam is at the automobile
accident (seems like it was more of a pile-up than a two-car
accident, as we see several people from the abandoned hospital,
including Nadir, at the scene). Sam is able to locate Jess at mile
marker 172 and the ambulance takes Jess away. Looks like she will
have a nice life (although still husbandless). As Sam is strapped to
the inside of the ambulance, Daniel appears and says, "Better
buckle up Sammy Boy! It's going to be a bumpy ride!" Sam may be
damned to Hell for his sins, but at least he did the right thing when
it counted most. Never preachy or overtly religious, this
supernatural film with some severe dollops of gore and nudity
(Roger's death is a doozy and we can now understand why he is so
confrontational in the beginning of the film. It has nothing to do
with his color.), director/editor/co-producer/co-screenwriter (with
Geoff Hart [Producer of UNEARTHLY
- 2013 and TAPPED OUT -
2014]) Greg A. Sager (DEVIL SEED
- 2012) makes an eerie little film with lots of atmosphere thanks to
filming at an actual abandoned mental hospital. It may take the
viewer several viewings to see what Mr. Sager was aiming for here
(religious people may get the inference sooner than most other
people), but this is a good little horror film with religious
undertones. Being an Atheist, films like this don't bother me,
especially if they are as entertaining as this one. Give this
Canadian film a try and you may just find yourself creeped out by the
way it is filmed and the connections between most of the cast. I will
definitely watch more films by Greg Sager when they come out,
especially if they offer the mystery and forgiveness (to a point) a
film like this rarely shows. Good stuff to make you feel better about
your own life unless you are worse than the people shown on screen.
Also starring Bruce Turner, Colin Paradine, Stephanie Capeling, Kim
Kaitall and Kat Krawczuk, Korinne Goudreau, Emily Deruytter, Matthew
Chiu and Katherine Prentice as the winged Gatekeepers (really well
done creature effects). An Uncork'd
Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated.
KINGDOM
OF THE SPIDERS (1977) - I
consider this the JAWS of
normal-sized killer spider movies (and there have been plenty, such
as KISS OF THE TARANTULA - 1972
[see review below]; TARANTULAS:
THE DEADLY CARGO - 1977; ARACHNOPHOBIA
- 1990; IN THE SPIDER'S WEB
- 2007). Why do I love this film so much, you may ask? Well, because
real tarantulas (thousands of them) were used and all the actors had
to endure them crawling all over their bodies, even biting them at
times (William Shatner tells a good story on an extra on the DVD
about him being covered with tarantulas while wearing a silk shirt
and he could feel their claws as they crawled up his body!) and even
though Shatner claimed very few actual spiders were killed in the
film, from what I saw, it looked like an awful lot were snuffed out!.
The premise is simple: veterinarian Rack Hansen (Shatner), who is
taking care of his dead brother's wife Terry (Marcy Lafferty, who was
married to Shatner at the time) and niece Linda (Natasha Ryan), after
his brother is killed in the Vietnam War (Terry and Rack almost have
a romantic interlude until she calls him his brother's name!) is
called to the farm of Walter Coby (Woody Strode; SCREAM
- 1981) and his wife Birch (Altovise Davis; WELCOME
TO ARROW BEACH - 1973; and one-time wife to Sammy Davis Jr.)
because their prized heifer looks like it was bitten by snakes and
had died. Rack sends a sample of the heifer's blood to a local
University and scientist Dr. Diane Ashley (Tiffany Bolling; BONNIE'S
KIDS - 1972) and her Mercedes travel to Rack's town of Verde
Valley (where a Festival is to take place in a couple of weeks) and
accidentally meets Rack at the local gas
station and mistakens him for the gas jockey (the entire sequence is
funny because Shatner is very charming in this film and doesn't do
his typical word cadence, where he pauses between words). When Rack
and Diane meet properly, she tells him that the heifer was not bitten
by snakes at all, but hundreds of spiders, tarantulas to be specific.
They head for Walter's farm (the town's Mayor Connors [Roy Engel] is
more concerned about a quarantine being put into place, destroying
any chance of holding the Festival. Sound familiar?), where Walter
and Birch show them a giant spider mound. Diane is surprised that
different species of tarantulas are not fighting with each other (and
cannibalizing each other), but getting along like good neighbors.
Diane theorizes that because of the use of DDT (Remember that fiasco?
If not, Google it), the spiders have adapted to it, but their food
sources have been killed in the process. She then goes on to say that
because the spiders have lost their food sources, they have adapted
to new food sources, namely animals (there have been over 30 missing
animals reports in the last month alone). Rack, Diane and Coby decide
to burn down the mound when Coby's prized bull is killed by the
spiders, but when they set fire to the mound, the spiders have a back
door getaway. As Rack and Diane begin a romantic relationship (much
to Terry's dismay), the spiders attack Coby in his truck and he goes
over the side of the road, When Rack, Diane and Sheriff Smith (David
McLean) make it down to Coby's truck, they discover that Coby is
covered in a web cocoon. The Mayor makes the decision to use a
powerful insecticide (to Diane's objections) on the spiders when 20
to 30 more spider mounds are found scattered throughout the
countryside, so he hires The Baron (Whitey Hughes) to fly his plane
and spray the affected areas. Little does The Baron know is that the
plane is covered inside with tarantulas and before he can really
begin spraying the insecticide, he is attacked (and he yelps out the
girliest man-scream I have ever heard!) and crashes his plane into
the garage of the gas station, where it explodes into a ball of fire
(This portion of the film has a lot of realism, because you can see
that Shatner, Bolling, Hoke Howell, who plays the mechanic/gas
jockey, and other actors in the film, were actually there when the
plane crashes and explodes and no stunt people were involved. That
took a lot of guts for everyone involved.). Our heroes become trapped
in the Washburn Lodge, run by Emma Washburn (Lieux Dressler; TRUCK
STOP WOMEN - 1974) and occupied by her only other two
guests, Vern & Betty Johnson (Joe Ross, Adele Malis). They try to
cover up all the entrances that the spiders can come through (the air
conditioning vents, the fireplace and other entry points), but they
have a hard time keeping the hordes of tarantulas out. The Sheriff
decides to check out the town, only to find out that it has already
been overrun with spiders, as he spots people in web cocoons on the
side of the road and people running in terror with spiders all over
them (it is quite the event, but not the Festival they were
expecting!). The sheriff dies when a car veers out of control and
takes out the two front legs of the water tower and it falls directly
on the Sheriff's car (Birch is also killed when her home is overrun
with spiders and she nearly blows off her hand shooting a pistol at a
spider residing there and Terry dies while saving Linda). When the
spiders take out the lodge's electricity by shorting out the fuse box
in the basement, Rack goes downstairs to fix it. He does, but then a
ton of tarantulas break the window above him and jump all over his
body (it's quite the sight) as Rack barely makes it up the stairs and
gets medical attention from Diane. As the sun rises and the spiders
have seemed to stop their attack, Rack decides to remove a board on a
window and is horrified at what he sees: the entire town is one giant
spider cocoon. What can they do next? Well, there was supposed to be
a sequel made (according to Shatner's interview), but it never
happened. This is probably director John "Bud"
Cardos' (THE DAY TIME ENDED
- 1979; THE DARK - 1979; NIGHT
SHADOWS - 1984; SKELETON
COAST - 1987) crowning achievement because it is suspenseful
without being bloody (unless you have a fear of spiders; then you
will be shitting your pants!) and the storyline (screenplay by
Richard Robinson and Alan Caillou; THE
LOSERS - 1970) puts almost everyone in the cast with a
chance to be covered with spiders (even Cardos' son, Jon-Jon, who we
see in the town, is crawling on the pavement with spiders all over
his body). If you like horror films from the 70's that cross the
boundaries of good taste, you can't do much better than KINGDOM
OF THE SPIDERS. I use to have a deadly fear of spiders, but
now that I don't, I can appreciate this film on its own merits. No
CGI. Everything practical, including all the spiders being real. And
there are a whole lot of spiders! Also starring Bill Foster, Jay
Lawrence, Bettie Bolling (Tiffany Bollings' mother) and Juanita
Merritt. I originally saw this film on a budget VHS from Interglobal
Home Video, then a fullscreen DVD from Goodtimes Entertainment
and finally (the only true way to watch it as of this writing) an
anamorphic widescreen DVD (with a ton of extras, including the
aforementioned Shatner interview) from Shout!
Factory. Rated PG, but this is a 70's PG-Rating, not the
pansy PG-Rating of today. Also available on Blu-Ray
from Code Red.
KISS
OF THE TARANTULA (1972)
- A
gruesome little shocker about a teenage girl (Suzanne Ling) and her
fondness for spiders.. When anyone crosses her or her mortician
father, the spiders come out to set things right. Her leering uncle
and town sheriff (Eric Mason) has eyes for her, and she has the
perfect plan to dispose of him. She also takes vengeance on the high
school kids who broke into her house and killed her prized spider.
She unleashes a slew of her friendly eight-legged buddies in their VW
Bug (how ironic!) at a drive-in. It's a pretty graphic scene.
Although its' low budget shows, it still has some nice touches and a
great ending which shouldn't be missed. Recommended for those who are
not arachnophobic. Director Chris Munger also made the exploitationer BLACK
STARLET
(1974 - a.k.a. BLACK
GAUNTLET)
also starring Eric Mason. Producers Daniel Cady and John Hayes were
also responsible for GRAVE
OF THE VAMPIRE (1972) and
GARDEN
OF THE DEAD
(1972 - a.k.a. TOMB
OF THE UNDEAD).
The first time I saw KISS
OF THE TARANTULA
it was on WOR TV (Channel 9 in New York, now part of the UPN network)
about 35 years ago and they showed it uncut. Now it is only shown cut
(at least the last time I saw it on TV in 1986). The defunct Gorgon
Video label released an uncut version of this film in the
mid-80's. Also available on uncut anamorphic widescreen DVD
from VCI Entertainment.
If you can find it, pick it up. Rated
PG,
but don't let that put you off. This is adult material.
THE
LAST HOUSE IN THE WOODS (2006) -
Here's something you don't hear very often: An Italian horror film
made in the New Millennium that is creepy and actually very good,
bordering on excellent. There are also many unexpected surprises in
the twisty story and some very bloody and gory practical effects (by
Sergio Stivaletti; effects supervisor on THE
CHURCH - 1989 and director of THE
WAX MASK - 1997). I originally posted a two-sentence review
for this film in the DTV
Section of this site, but I thought it needed a more fleshed-out
review (so to speak).
The film opens with a family driving on a dark road in the forest,
when the car runs over some sharp shards of glass in the middle of
the road. The car gets a flat tire, loses control and crashes into a
tree, killing the father. There is no cell phone service in the area,
so the mother and young son Andrea (Francesco Lopez) walk down the
road hoping to flag down a passing car. As a car approaches, the
mother tells Andrea to wait on the side of the road while she steps
into the road to stop the car. The car hits her, sending her broken
and shattered body to the side of the road. The unseen driver stops,
gets out of his car and walks towards the mother, who is begging for
help. While Andrea hides behind a tree, he sees the man bash his
mother in the head repeatedly with a rock, killing her. Andrea cries
out for his mother and the man chases him into the woods, but soon
gives up, putting the mother's body in the back of his car and
driving away.
The film switches to young woman Aurora (Daniela Virgilio), who has
just broken up with boyfriend Rino (Daniele Grassetti), but he
doesn't understand why (A flashback shows us Rino fucking Aurora
doggy style while she draws a picture for him with a crayon!). Rino
is watching Aurora's house in his car across the street and when she
comes outside, he pulls up beside her and begs her to get inside the
car so they can talk. We then discover that Aurora and Rino did very
little talking, as Rino's car is parked by the woods and they just
finished making love, but she tells him she needs time to think about
their relationship. Before they can talk further, three drunk thugs,
Cesare (David Pietroni), Ginger (Geremia Longobardo) and Diego
(Cristiano Callegaro), pull Rino and Aurora out of the car. They rob
and knock-out Rino, taking his and Aurora's cell phones out of the
car. As they are about to gang rape Aurora, a car comes up the street
and Aurora jumps in front of it, pleading for help. The driver,
Antonio (Gennaro Diana), tells Aurora to get in the back seat of his
car while he deals with the thugs. Antonio's wife, Clara (Santa De
Santis), tells Aurora not to worry because her husband will handle
the situation. And handle it he does. When the thugs come at Antonio
with knives, he pulls out a pistol and tells the trio to get lost,
which they do, but not before threatening to get even with him.
Antonio drives Aurora and Rino to his home, a gated mansion with a
very long driveway that is located in the middle of the woods. While
Clara tends to Rino's wounds upstairs, Antonio asks Aurora if she
wants to call the police, but she says no, she would just rather
forget the whole thing and wait in his house until Rino is better (he
took a nasty blow to his head). Aurora should have accepted Antonio's
offer, because she and Rino are about to experience a horrific night
they will never forget, that is, if they survive the night
(throughout the film, we see Andrea running in the woods, yelling out
for someone to help him).
Aurora asks Antonio if he and Clara live alone in this large house
and he says no, their son Giulio also lives here, but he is sleeping
upstairs in his bedroom ("He's only seven and he goes to sleep
quite early" explains Antonio). It is at this time that Antonio
begins to ask Aurora some very personal questions, like if there is
anyone she needs to call to tell them she's OK (she says no), but he
does it in such a way that it doesn't sound sinister. He also tells
her that she is pretty and they begin to kiss, when Giulio (Fabiano
Malantrucco) runs into the room, scaring the crap out of Aurora. It's
plain to see that Giulio is not a normal child, as he has a mouthful
of very sharp teeth that are coated in blood. Aurora finally begins
to realize that this is no normal household, especially when she
tells Antonio that she needs to check on Rino and he tells her to
stay put and drink her coffee, he will go see how Rino is doing. When
Antonio comes back into the room, he is filling a syringe with an
unknown liquid, telling Aurora to stay calm, continuing with,
"I'm sorry. I was gonna let you go. But it's too late now. It's
impossible, Aurora. I do it for Giulio. I do it for our son."
What is so impossible and why is it too late? If you want to know,
you're going to have to watch the film. Believe me when I say you'll
thank me for not telling you more. But I will tell you this: Don't
forget about Andrea, because he plays an important part in the finale.
This is truly a house of horrors, the like which have never been
seen before in a film made in the New Millennium. But it isn't just
the house that is full of horrors, it's the freaking woods that
surround the house, as Aurora discovers when she escapes the house
and is knocked out cold when she enters an RV parked in the woods.
What she witnesses after waking up in the house will take a strong
constitution and if your gag reflex is set to low, expect to lose
your lunch. This film takes elements from THE
LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972) and THE
TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE (1974), yet the film seems totally
original and, above all, shocking beyond belief. Directed and written
capably by Gabriele Albanesi, who ushered in a new wave of Italian
talent, Albanesi also directing UBALDO
TERZONI HORROR SHOW (2010; look for a review soon) and
producing/directing a segment of the Italian horror anthology ITALIAN
GHOST STORIES (a.k.a. PARANORMAL
STORIES - 2011), which features segments directed by a group
of new Italian
horror genre talent. This film definitely has a '70s vibe to it,
especially when Aurora wakes up in the house after escaping and
seeing the carnage that awaits her. Antonio definitely has some
perverted "family" members, as we witness Antonio's other
two "sons"...Warning! SPOILERS!!!...chainsawing some
appendages off a still alive Rino and using those body parts as food
for Giulio, who survives by eating human flesh, in a scene that looks
like a cannibal's version of The Last Supper! END OF SPOILERS!!!
It may seem a little too pat when the trio of rapists run out of gas
next to Antonio's home, but you'll definitely enjoy what happens to
them when they try to invade the worst home possible and they get
what they deserve (One of them even turns hero and tries to rescue
Aurora, but he pays for that, too! I would advise not eating a hearty
meal before watching this because it may leave the wrong opening in
your body!). Yes, this is truly a gore film, as nothing is left to
your imagination. I wish I could tell you the totally surprising
final shot, but if I did, it will destroy the impact it will have on
your psyche. I'll just say this: Some rooms in the house are covered
in plastic for a reason. The final reveal is an image that won't
leave your mind for a long, long time, if ever, making this film
highly recommended to horror and gore film aficionados. A film like
this doesn't come along very often, so I suggest you search it out
(keep reading).
Shot as IL BOSCO FUORI
("The Woods Outside"), this film was released Unrated on
DVD in the United States by Lionsgate Entertainment's late, lamented
label Ghost House Underground in a beautiful anamorphic widescreen
print in its original Italian with English subtitles (my preferred
way of watching a film) or English dubbed. It is also available
streaming on Amazon Prime (free for Prime members), but only in the
English dubbed version. The dubbing here is quite unobtrusive and
follows the Italian language version very closely. On a side note, I
recorded the Italian language version from the Independent Film
Channel (IFC) long before they decided to air commercials every ten
minutes. They still call themselves IFC, which is a fucking joke. I
mean, how in the hell can you call yourself "Independent"
when you air commercials? That is the antithesis of independent,
isn't it? Yet they continually harp on the fact that their movies are
not edited in any way, but it takes a 135-minute time slot to air a
90-minute film! Needless to say, I haven't watched IFC for years.
Rant over. Also starring Enrico Silvestrin and Elisabetta Rocchetti
as Andrea's parents and Luigi Campi & Valter Gilardoni as
Antonio's other two "sons". Not Rated.
LAST
HOUSE ON DEAD END STREET (1973) -
Some genre critics found this film unnerving and terrifying. I found
it sloppy and amateurish.
A recently paroled porno filmmaker grows tired of his craft and
decides to make snuff films instead. He recruits some willing
comrades to help him and films his enemies being killed in various
bloody ways (dismemberment on an operating table, drill bit through
the head, etc.). An interesting premise unfortunately undone by bad
acting, grade school effects, terrible lighting, chainsaw editing and
plenty of post-synch dubbing. Directed by Roger Watkins using the
pseudonym "Victor Janos". He would later go on to make the
hard-to-find thriller SHADOWS
OF THE MIND (1976), as well as directing stylish porn films
under the pseudonym "Richard Mahler" before dying at the
age of 58 in 2007. Also known as THE
FUN HOUSE. The VHS
tape of this title, released by Sun Video Distribution, goes for
insane amounts of money in collectors markets and auction sites. Also
available in a deluxe 2-disc DVD presentation by the now-defunct
Barrel Entertainment. It was one of the best presentations of a
horror film on DVD and was full of unexpected extras and hidden
Easter eggs. Even though I disliked the film immensely, the Barrel
Entertainment DVD made watching the film a worthwhile
experience. Very few DVDs have been able to make that claim in my
book. Unrated.
LEECHES!
(2003) - Director David DeCoteau is paying way too much time
making movies that would please gay men. This is one of those films.
The men (actually teenagers) are rarely wearing shirts and constantly
sporting Speedos and the women characters are vapid and generally
there because they have to be if DeCoteau is to release this as a
mainstream film. A male college swimming team (enter your own gay
male fantasy here if you like) use steroids to enhance their
performance. Unfortunately, while swimming at the local pond, they
are attacked by leeches who begin to grow three feet in length and
begin killing the team and their girlfriends. The leeches (who are
actually rubber concoctions pulled by strings or hand puppets when
they attack) somehow also begin to get smarter as they grow,
something that is not revealed until the "surprise" ending.
A nerdy team member, who refuses to take steroids, tries to find a
way to kill the leeches and save what is left of the swimming team
and their chicks. This movie is nearly stupid in every department,
except for the cinematography of Gary Graver,
who gives the film a polish it so dearly needs. If you like
close-ups of the male body, so lovingly panned up and down that it
almost seems like softcore porn, then this is the film for you. If
you want a balls-to-the-wall horror film (insert joke here), skip
this and watch something else instead. Myself, personally, felt dirty
after viewing this. Mr. DeCoteau, whose first non-porn film was DREAMANIAC
(1986), has made some really bad films in his life, but he has also
made some decent ones, including SKELETONS
(1996) and FINAL STAB
(2001). He dedicates this film to the late Doris
Wishman, who I am sure would have been pleased since none of her
films ever had the productions values of this one. It's not praise,
but at least someone had the guts to dedicate a film to such an
obscure personality. LEECHES!
stars Matthew Twining, Josh Henderson, Stacey Nelson, Tony Carroccio,
Charity Rahmer and Mike Cole. A Sidekick Entertainment/Rapid
Heart Pictures Release. Rated R.
LILITH'S
HELL (2015) - "Join
us woman. This is our century. The era of man is over!"
So is my will to live. Turgid found footage horror film featuring
famed Italian director Ruggero Deodato (JUNGLE HOLOCAUST
- 1976; CONCORDE AFFAIR '79
- 1979: RAIDERS OF ATLANTIS
- 1983; CUT AND RUN
- 1985) playing a bastardized version of himself. He's a better
director than actor, because he's not believable even playing himself
(and if you saw his BALLAD
IN BLOOD [2016], you already know that he is not a very good
director, because, besides CANNIBAL
HOLOCAUST [1980] and a couple of his other films, most of
his output is average at best, boring and insipid at worst). This
film was not directed by Deodato, but it is obvious the person who
directed this flick (Vincenzo Petrarolo) worships Deodato. If you are
thinking to yourself, "Hey, if it was good enough for Lucio
Fulci in A CAT IN THE BRAIN
(1990), so why not Deodato?", let me stop you right there. Fulci
was fabulous in that film and Deodato cannot hold a candle to him,
even on his best days. But I digress, so let's get to the film at hand.
Two young bucks, Marco (director Petrarolo) and his American friend
Ryan (Marcus J. Cotterell), want to make a scary movie (Ryan is
always telling Marco that it's not a horror film, then what in the
hell is it?), so they ask Deodato for advice. He agrees to appear in
their film, but only for one day, telling them that he wants them to
make a film that is "real". The movie is to be filmed
in Marco's grandmother's house in the country, miles away from
civilization. His grandmother told him to
never, never, never enter the house, not telling him why, so he
ignores her and he, Ryan and cameraman Alberto (Fererico Palmieri) go
into the house. Ryan says this house is not very scary and doesn't
seem right for their film (Wait, I thought this wasn't going to be a
horror film?), but Marco tells him to go down to the basement and see
for himself. Ryan finds a huge bathtub on the bottom floor (it looks
like a small indoor swimming pool) and falls in love with the place,
telling Marco it is perfect for their "cannibal" film
(remember, this is not a horror film!). For being such good friends,
Marco and Ryan have a very combative relationship, arguing over
everything, even the small stuff, like eating the food in grandma's
refrigerator. Then, the main actress of the film, Michelle (Manuela
Stanciu), arrives with her personal makeup assistant, Sara (Joelle
Rigollet), and she's a diva, asking where the cocaine is (!) and
refusing to talk English until she gets some (Ryan then goes off on a
rant about how CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST was the first
"mockumentary" and how much THE
BLAIR WITCH PROJECT [1999] owes it!). And wouldn't you know
it, there's no cell phone reception in the area (although grandma
made sure her house was protected by putting security cameras in
every room [including the bathroom!] and also having a safe
room/control room to watch the action).
Now I could go on-and-on telling you what is wrong with this film,
but let me tell you what is good about this film: (crickets).
Okay, with that out of the way, let me say this: I was never a fan of
found footage films (I can count the good ones on one hand and still
have four spare fingers), but even ardent fans of this genre will
find this a tough slog to get through. It's horrendously acted,
especially by Marcus J. Cotterell as Ryan, whose idea of acting is to
yell out all his lines of dialogue while flailing is hands in the
air, like some interpreter for the deaf having an epileptic fit.
Also, the film is 50% English/50% Italian and it is a headache to
listen to and watch. Anyone who knows me realizes that I prefer to
watch films in their original language with English subtitles, but
when Marco begins speaking in English and then switches to Italian
mid-sentence, it's more than this viewer can stand. Pick a language,
Marco, and stick with it!. It also doesn't help that the dialogue is
pathetic (Sample dialogue: Marco: "How did it go?" Ryan:
"Go fuck yourself, that's how it went!"). So, what's up
with the title of this film, you may ask? As far as I could
tell, these amateur filmmakers somehow awaken the spirit of Lilith,
Adam's first wife, and she plays havoc with their film (Possessing
Michelle's body), leading to nearly everyone's deaths. Don't ask me
why or how, because I really have no idea, but I'm glad they're dead.
These are the most insufferable people you will ever meet, as Ryan
and Marco play practical jokes on each other (none of them funny in
the least), argue endlessly or just act like no human beings I have
ever met. You don't just watch this film, you suffer because of it.
Very seldom do I run across a film without having at least one good
thing to say about it, but here's a film that bucks that trend,
having nothing positive happen during its 88-minute running time.
Director Vincenzo Petrarolo and screenwriter Davide Chiara (who also
plays a ghostly spirit) are to be congratulated for making a movie
without a single solitary nice thing to say about it, a rare thing
indeed, but nothing to be proud of. If you must see for yourself, if
only to see if what I say about it is true, Amazon Prime offers it
streaming for free if you are a Prime member ($1.99 if you are not).
Also featuring Danilo Maria Valli, Dani Samvis, Mattia Enrico Rinaldi
and Sebastiano Lo Monaco as Padre Renghe, a priest who comes to the
house to perform an exorcism and then kills all the women with his
crucifix. Not Rated, but not worth it. You'll end up
scraping it off the bottom of your shoes after watching it. As for
Deodato: It is apparent he didn't give this film a full day of his
time, as he is in it for less than three minutes, but it must have
seemed like an eternity in Hell for him.
LIONMAN
II: THE WITCHQUEEN (1979)
- Abysmal
Turkish (thats right, Turkish!) sequel to the far superior LION
MAN (1975), a fantasy that is filled with phony fight scenes
and a droning synthesizer score. Lionman (Frank Morgan), who, as you
can probably guess, was raised by lions since he was a baby, and his
band of acrobatic fighters fight an evil witchqueen (Dee Taylor) and
her evil king (producer Erich Akman) after they kidnap Lionmans
son. Many magic spells and traps dog Lionmans every move as the
witchqueen uses her demonic powers to try to kill Lionman so she and
the king can claim his domain. See Lionman (who straps on a pair of
gloves shaped as lion paws) fight hordes of evil Turks
single-handedly with hardly any blood spilled. He also fights a swamp
monster, has his horse shrunk to miniature and dodges many booby
traps. This is bad stuff directed with no imagination by "Michael
Arslan" (actually Mehmet Aslan; THIRSTY
FOR LOVE, SEX AND MURDER - 1972). A Boomerang Films Release. Not
Rated.
THE
LOVE BUTCHER (1975) - Pretty
good bizarre psycho-thriller. Someone is killing young women with
gardening tools. The police are baffled.
A reporter is on the case. A killer is on the loose. Although this
case would be solved in 10 seconds in real life, the point of this
film is to showcase the talents of Erik Stern. He displays a dual
personality, which is truly fascinating. One character is Caleb, a
crippled, bald and ugly gardener whom his women customers pick on.
The other character is Lester, Caleb's handsome dead brother, who
considers himself an "Adonis to all women". When a woman
puts down Caleb, Lester pays her a lethal visit. The script contains
many twists and turns along with a few shocks. Sympathetic characters
are knocked-off and Erik Stern's transformation from one brother to
another is amazing. He does it with a minimal of makeup. And his
acting talents aren't bad either. If you see this in the video
stores, pick it up. The frequent zoom shots aside, this is a rather
well made film. Good show. Director Mikel Angel (who co-directed this
film with Don Jones of SCHOOLGIRLS
IN CHAINS
[1973] fame) has had an active life in exploitation films, as a
director, writer (PSYCHIC
KILLER
- 1974; GROTESQUE
- 1988; DEMON
KEEPER
- 1993) and actor (THE
BLACK SIX
- 1974; EVIL
SPIRITS
- 1990) before passing away in 2005. A Monterey
Home Video VHS Release. Finally availailable on a beautiful
widescreen DVD & Blu-Ray
from Code Red which are the
only ways you should be watching the film now. They are sharp,
colorful and in their original aspect ratios. Rated
R.
LURKING
FEAR (1994) -
This Full Moon production is purportedly based on a story by H.P.
Lovecraft. I
bet he is turning in his grave. A group of people converge on an old
church in the town of Leverts Corner, each with their own agenda.
Cathryn Farrell (the lovely Ashley Lauren) comes to this town to
avenge the death of her sister, who was killed by a race of
cannibalistic creatures who live beneath the cemetery next to the
church. John Martense (Blake Bailey) comes to the cemetery to dig up
a fortune in money that his dead hoodlum father buried in a casket. A
gangster (Jon Finch) and his hoods take everyone hostage including a
priest (Paul Mantee) and a drunk doctor (Jeffrey Combs) in hopes of
getting his hands on the buried loot. The remainder of the film
consists of the motley group fighting off the attacking creatures as
they are picked off one-by-one. Jon Finch (FRENZY
- 1972) does add some class here but this is still standard
by-the-numbers material with nothing special to offer the viewer. In
other words, a typical Full Moon film. Directed and written by C.
Courtney Joyner (TRANCERS
III:
DETH LIVES
- 1992). From Paramount Home Video. Rated
R.
LUTHER
THE GEEK (1990 - 1991) - Director
Carlton J. Albright, who wrote and produced the equally perverse 1980
film THE CHILDREN,
has
crafted a work of unbridled disturbing behavior here. Writing under
the pseudonym "Whitey Styles", Albright tells the story of
Luther Watts (Edward Terry), a rather troubled individual who had his
teeth knocked out as a child while watching a circus geek bite the
head off a chicken. In 1990, Luther is released from a correctional
facility after spending 25 years there for murdering three people by
biting their necks and watching them bleed out. As soon as Luther is
released, he chows down on the neck (with his sharpened metal teeth!)
of an old lady (Gail Buxton) waiting at a bus stop and hides out at a
farm house owned by Hilary Lawson (Joan Roth). Luther takes Hilary
hostage (after a failed attempt of blowing her vagina off with a
shotgun!) and ties her to a bed. Hilary's daughter Beth (Stacy
Haiduk) discovers her mother tied to the bed but cannot free her in
time before Luther comes back after injuring Beth's boyfriend Rob
(Thomas Mills) and killing an intruding hunter (Martin Widener).
Luther can only communicate by cackling like a chicken or crowing
like a rooster, so reasoning with him is out of the question. Luther
holds Hilary, Beth and Rob hostage, but you know pretty soon this is
going to turn into a cat-and-mouse chase, where only the survival of
the fittest and quickest-thinking can survive. I won't spoil the rest
of the film for first-time viewers, but you'll be highly-rewarded, if
not grossed-out by the rest of the proceedings. The bloodletting is
highly realistic and the tension builds to a heart-pounding
conclusion. This is Carlton J. Albright's only directorial effort and
it's a damned shame that he hasn't made another film since. This is
truly gripping stuff that should be watched by anyone who likes to be
scared. In case you haven't noticed, I liked this film. The
performances of all involved are realistic to the situations and,
just like in real life, there are no complete happy endings. Pick
this one up if you get the chance! It took Albright two years to
complete LUTHER THE GEEK,
due to financial difficulties. Available on VHS from Dead Alive
Productions and Quest Entertainment, which are both long OOP. This
film deserves a decent DVD
release unlike the one Troma let
escape on the marketplace.. It looks like a VHS transfer and the
sound is all screwed up. Also starring J. Joseph Clark as a
relentless State Trooper. Not Rated for all the obvious bloody reasons.
MADNESS
(1980) - Violent criminal Joe Brezzi (Joe Dallesandro; THE
KILLER NUN - 1978) escapes from prison by scaling down the
outside wall using a knotted rope (so many questions). He kills two
men by bashing them in the head with a large rock (he also stabs the
second man in the stomach with a pitchfork after the man threatens
him with it) and steals their car. He then drives to a secluded
farmhouse to collect a large stash of cash he hid under the bricks of
a fireplace before he was captured by police and put in prison,
but before he can get to it, the new owners of the farm, young
married couple Sergio (Gianni Macchia; MANHUNT
- 1972) and Liliana (Patrizia Behn; PLAY
MOTEL - 1979), arrive with Liliana's sister Paola (Lorraine
De Selle; WILD BEASTS
- 1983), who has a very familiar yellow J&B
Scotch Wiskey box tucked under her arm (it is Italy's beverage
of choice, after all). For a short time, Joe hides and spies on the
trio, watching Sergio practice martial arts moves before he goes
pheasant hunting with a shotgun. Paola likes to prance around the
house in the buff and sunbathe topless (there's a lot of nudity in
this film, much of it full-frontal), giving a peeping Joe an eyeful.
Liliana drives into town to pick up groceries, where she hears of
Joe's escape from prison on the car radio, leaving Paola on her own.
Care to guess what happens next?
Joe sneaks up behind a sunbathing Paola, knocks her out (Joe likes
to hit people in the head), carries her unconscious body into the
house and starts breaking the fireplace bricks with a pickaxe, only
he didn't knock-out Paola as well as he thought, because she wakes up
and Joe threatens to bash her head in if she doesn't sit still and be
quiet. Of course, Paola doesn't listen and tries to escape, forcing
Joe to throw the pickaxe, which impales the front door. He then
punches Paola in the face, knocking her out cold again. Joe breaks
open all the bricks covering the loot, but he has to dig deeper in
the dirt to get to it. He wakes up Paola, makes her get him a cup of
coffee and forces her to dig deeper in the dirt with the pickaxe.
Paola uses her body to distract Joe, but he's having none of that, as
he strips Paola naked and rapes her (offscreen). We then see Joe and
a naked Paola in bed, Paola telling Joe that he's a good lover. She
then gets up out of bed and runs out of the house wearing nothing but
a worried look, but Joe catches her, brings her back to the house and
ties her to the bed, also gagging her. Joe continues to dig
deeper in the fireplace dirt, when he hears Liliana pull up in her
car. Joe also takes her prisoner and wants to know when Sergio will
return home from hunting. "Around 2:00 PM", says Liliana.
Joe then binds Liliana's hands to Paola's with some rope and waits
for Sergio to return. When he does, Joe disarms Sergio, hitting him
in the back of his head (See what I mean?) and making him dig in the
fireplace dirt by holding the shotgun to his head. Only the shotgun
isn't loaded and Sergio tries to take advantage of the situation by
putting martial arts moves on Joe, but he fails miserably since Joe
is faster and stronger. Joe finds the shotgun shells and is
about to shoot Sergio, when Liliana appears (she untied the knots
with her teeth) and begs Joe not to kill her husband. Secrets are
then revealed, as Paola admits that Sergio cheated on Liliana...with
her! It seems this trio is more fucked-up than Joe, but will Joe keep
his promise to leave once the loot is dug up? Don't count on it.
When the loot is dug up, revealing to to be 300 million lire in
cash, they all have lire signs in the pupils of their eyes. Money,
especially this large amount, brings out the worst in people and this
trio of "innocents" are no exception. Paola offers to be
Joe's fuck buddy, saying she will travel with him and help him spend
the money, but Joe knows what a worthless twat she is, forcing Paola
and Sergio to strip naked and make love in front of Liliana. After
Sergio ejaculates (thankfully offscreen), Joe blows a hole in the
bedroom wall and tells Sergio and Paula to ge to sleep, taking
Liliana into another room to watch him transfer the cash into a
plastic bag. Meanwhile Paola and Sergio are coming up with a plan to
get their greedy little hands on the cash. Will they succeed?
This is not one of director/screenwriter Fernando
Di
Leo's better Eurocrime thrillers due to the cheapness of the
production; basically 95% of the film takes place in one location,
the farmhouse and its two rooms, the living room (where posters of
Marlon Brando and John Travolta hang on the wall) and the bedroom.
The film suffers because of this, as there are no prerequisite car
chases, gunfights or other staples known in this genre. The violence
level is also rather subdued, just Joe bashing people on the head and
threatening them with the shotgun. Even the film's violent and rushed
finale rings hollow, because when people are killed with the shotgun,
we really don't see any gore
or shotgun squibs, just blood on clothing and walls (and a freeze-frame).
Unlike Di Leo's other crime thrillers, which includes the previously
mentioned MANHUNT (a.k.a. THE
ITALIAN CONNECTION - 1972), as well as MILANO
CALIBRO 9 (1972), THE BOSS
(1973), SHOOT
FIRST, DIE LATER (1974), KIDNAP
SYNDICATE (1975) and BLOOD
AND DIAMONDS (1977), there is not much to the plot of this
film, just lots of naked female (and male) flesh to distract your
eyes and brain to the fact that there's not much meat to the story
(which is why it runs a scant 77 minutes). Based on a story and
script by Mario Gariazzo, best known to trash affectionados as
"Roy Garrett", the director of such badfilms as THE
EERIE MIDNIGHT HORROR SHOW (1974), VERY
CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE FOURTH KIND (1978), the previously
mentioned PLAY MOTEL (1979),
the simply horrible BROTHER
FROM SPACE (1984) and AMAZONIA:
THE CATHERINE MILES STORY (1985), who was also supposed to
direct this film, but Di Leo stepped in as director, rewrote
Gariazzo's initial screenplay to better fit the film's extremely low
budget and what we have here is the final result. It is my least
favorite film in Di Leo's canon (which also includes NAKED
VIOLENCE - 1969; SLAUGHTER
HOTEL - 1971; LOADED GUNS
- 1975; TO BE TWENTY -
1978 and THE VIOLENT BREED
- 1984), but it still manages to somewhat entertain if you can look
past the overall cheapness of the production and just go along for
the proverbial ride. I must say, however, that Joe Dallesandro (BORN
WINNER - 1976) always fails to impress me as an actor. He
seems to only have one facial expression and it is all wrong for this
film, especially for a supposed violent criminal. The only actor to
register here is Lorraine De Selle (GARDENIA
- 1979), who has no problem disrobing and using her naked body to
tempt Joe. This is by no means must-viewing, but it will do in a
pinch if you have less than 90 minutes to kill.
Shot as VACANZE PER UN MASSACRO
("Holiday For A Massacre") and also known as TOY,
this film never received a theatrical or VHS release in the United
States, making its first appearance here in 2012 as a DVD
from Raro Video, who offer
a nice anamorphic widescreen print subtitled in English. Amazon
Prime also offers it streaming, using the same subtitled print as
Raro. No Blu-Ray in the States at the time of this review. Also
featuring Omero Capanna (KILL
THE POKER PLAYER - 1972) as one of the men Joe kills in the
beginning of the film. Not Rated.
MALATESTA'S
CARNIVAL OF BLOOD (1973) - This odd
little art house/gore film was considered lost for thirty years. A
single copy of the film was found in someone's attic and transferred
to DVD. That's the good news. The bad news is that it's not a very
good film and its
only claim to fame is that late dwarf actor Herve de Vellechaize
("De Plane, De Plane!") has a small role in it. Director
Christopher Speeth has a severe problem of putting the camera at the
wrong places at the wrong time. Heads are cut out of the frame and
the hand-held camera has a problem keeping up with the action. It all
takes place at a carnival run by the mysterious Malatesta (Daniel
Dietrich), where workers and patrons are killed by his ghoulish
minions by decapitation, stabbings and cannibalism. Everyone is told
that it's "all an illusion" by head ghoul Mr. Blood (Jerome
Dempsey) and it well may be so. It's just that the story's so
confusing, the set pieces disturbing (ghouls eating body parts while
Lon Chaney's silent versions of HUNCHBACK
OF NOTRE DAME (1923) and
PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
(1925) are projected in the background) and the ending is abrupt. The
arty approach works sometimes (Speeth has a thing for sheets of
plastic as they cover everything and rooms are created from it) but
more often everything just falls flat and it seems like a Psych
student's take on existentialism. Nothing makes sense and people that
are killed keep turning up alive again. This film actually played in
theaters down South in 1973 and then disappeared into obscurity. The
outtakes on the DVD show even more gore (a ghoul eating a severed
head, body parts littered on the floor) and some cut scenes. At 73
minutes, the film seems 60 minutes too long. In case you didn't
notice, I didn't like the film. Also starring Bill Preston, Janine
Carazo and Lenny Baker as an evil janitor. If this film seems to be
your cup of blood, the DVD can be ordered by going to www.malatestascarnivalofblood.com.
Rated R.
MARK OF THE WITCH (1970) - Impossibly dated, cheap and boring supernatural film about a witch who takes over a college girl's body and wrecks minor havoc in a small college town. This film is nothing but talk, talk, talk which nearly made me turn it off, something I have never done. No blood, no nudity and no action (not even a single swear word!) make this film an exploitation lover's worst nightmare. The only enjoyment anyone can find here is spotting the 60's clothing and listening to the "hip" dialogue (of which there's plenty). It's a very small consolation as you will also have to sit through the longest 76 minutes of your life. MARK OF THE WITCH is recommended to those who only have 76 minutes to live. Starring Robert Elston, Anitra Walsh and Darryl Wells. Directed by Tom Moore (RETURN TO BOGGY CREEK - 1977), who hasn't a clue on how to keep the viewer's attention. On VHS from AIR Video. Also available on DVD from Retromedia/Image Entertainment with THE BRIDES WORE BLOOD. Also available on DVD as part of SIX PACK VOLUME ONE from Code Red. Not Rated.
MASSACRE
(1989) - There's a psycho on the loose in Rome. We first see him
stopping his car (where his shoes miraculously change color!) and
chopping off the hand of a prostitute with a hatchet. He then cuts
off her head and rapes her headless body (thankfully, off screen).
But what does that have to do with Jennifer (Patrizia Falcone), an
actress who is starring in a horror film directed by Frank (Maurice
Poli; FIVE DOLLS FOR
AN AUGUST MOON - 1970)? Frank gathers all the actors and crew
on the film for dinner, telling then he has decided to make this
horror film as "realistic" as possible, so he has hired
Madam Yurich (Anna Maria Placido; THE
MURDER SECRET - 1989), a real medium, to perform a
séance, which he will film and include in his horror movie (a
zombie film titled "Dirty Blood"). This doesn't go over too
well with the male star of the film, Robert (Pier Maria Cecchini; THE
CARD PLAYER - 2004), and some of the crew, who only want to
make a run-of-the-mill horror flick, so they can get paid and leave
town as quickly as possible.
Jennifer's boyfriend, Walter (Gino Concare) is a police detective
and a technical advisor on the film. He is also in charge of solving
the prostitute's murder. Very soon, fantasy and reality will blur
together, as Madam Yurich gathers everyone together and performs a séance,
contacting her "spiritual advisor", a spirit by the name of
Gabor. Only she doesn't contact Gabor, she contacts someone (or
something) far more dangerous, a spirit by the name of
"Rack". During the séance, which is being held in a
room in a hotel, the bottles of booze at the bar Walter is sitting at
shatter on their own and Walter falls to the floor, looking like he
has seen something beyond his comprehension. After the séance
is over, Madam Yurich tells everyone that Rack is the personification
of evil and if she truly did get in contact with this evil spirit,
everyone's life is in mortal danger (Madam Yurich has no memory of
the séance).
It's not long before members of the cast and crew are found brutally
murdered, the first victim being Robert's girlfriend, Liza (Silvia
Conti). She is found on a merry-go-round, a metal spike driven
through her skull. Walter and the other detectives on the case think
the psycho who killed the prostitute is responsible for Liza's death,
but the question remains: Is the psycho really responsible? The next
murder victim is Madam Yurich. She has car trouble and has to pull
over to the side of the road. Another car pulls behind her and when
the person gets out, Madam Yurich recognizes the person (These parts
of the film are lensed like a giallo flick, as all we see are the
killer's POV). That night, as Jennifer and Walter are taking a
romantic stroll down the street, Jennifer discovers Madam Yurich's
dead body, impaled on an iron grate fence. Walter's boss, the Police
Commissioner (Paul Muller; NIGHTMARE
CASTLE - 1965), is livid, telling Walter he better solve
these murders and be quick about it, because his job is on the line.
The Commissioner is sick and tired of his detectives acting as
bodyguards for the film's cast and crew, finding it a waste of time
and money.
We then see the psycho killing a middle-age couple having sex in a
car. He stabs the man repeatedly in the back and chases the naked
woman into the woods, where he slices her throat with a knife, only,
this time, he is caught by the police. Thinking they have caught the
killer, the Commissioner pulls all of the detectives from their
detail of protecting the film's crew. Big mistake. The unknown killer
then kills three more people working on the film, including gay actor
Adrian (Danny Degli Esposito; who does his interpretation of Joel
Grey's cross-dressing role in CABARET
[1972] for Frank's horror film!), by ripping them apart with a
gaffing hook (the killer may have cut off Adrian's penis and put it
in his mouth! At least that is what I think I saw.). The Commissioner
then chews out Walter again, telling him if he doesn't solve this
case, he is "going down the river", only this time, Walter
is defiant, telling the Commissioner, "I'm a good swimmer"
and that he pulled the detectives from protecting the crew, so it's
the Commissioner's job that is on the line. So who is the killer? If
you have read this review, you already know who it is (a blind man
could have figured it out!). That's right, it's Walter and he is
possessed by Rack. He then begins killing his own men and then goes
after Jennifer. Is she about to star in her own personal horror film?
I wanted to see this film ever since I saw Lucio Fulci's (who
"presented" this film) A
CAT IN THE BRAIN (1990; my favorite Fulci film). Since that
film consisted of 80% footage taken from other films, including this
one, Fulci's SODOMA'S GHOST
(1988) and TOUCH OF DEATH
(1990) as well as THE
MURDER SECRET (1989), BLOODY
PSYCHO (1989), ESCAPE
FROM DEATH (1989) and HANSEL
E GRETEL (1990), one of my life goals was to watch every
movie that used footage for Fulci's film. This was the last film I
had to watch to achieve that goal and I must say that I was
disappointed. Director Andrea Bianchi, who was quite capable of
turning out good films, such as WHAT
THE PEEPER SAW (1972; co-directed with James Kelly), CRY
OF A PROSTITUTE (1974), STRIP
NUDE FOR YOUR KILLER (1975) and even BURIAL
GROUND (1980) to some extant, was also responsible for some
of the worst films, the most egregious of them being the boring ANGEL
OF DEATH (1987; which makes Jess Franco look like Orson
Welles), has committed the worst sin possible for a horror film: He
opened the film with its most graphic murder (The footage used in
Fulci's film), as the rest of the murders can't hold a candle to the
first one. As a matter of fact, the other killings are shown after
the fact, as we never see the killer committing them. Another major
sin is that Frank's horror film seems more interesting than the one
we are watching, as this is nothing but generic stalk 'n' slash
material. It's not terrible, but it's not good, either. It just is.
Oh well, another life goal flushed down the crapper. You think I
would have learned by now. Very seldom is a life goal satisfying, but
I'm not going anywhere until I see a print of director Charles
Nizet's VOODOO HEARTBEAT
(1972)! Look for bottles
of J&B Scotch in the final scene, where Frank tells his
assistant director that he is going to make a horror film about their
current events, only in his film, Jennifer is the killer! Also
starring Robert Egon, Marcello Furgiele, Lubka Lenzi (SWEET
HOUSE OF HORRORS - 1989), Maria Grazia Veroni, Cristina Lynn
and Piero Pieri. Not Rated.
MILL
OF THE STONE WOMEN (1960) -
First a word of warning: If your copy of this Italy/France
co-production runs 85 minutes or less, stop watching it immediately.
The only version worth watching is the one that runs 95 minutes, as
the 85 minute version is the TV print, which excises some very
important visual information, including some surprising female
nudity. While the 85 minute version doesn't hurt the plot of the
film, the full version offers the viewer something they usually don't
see in a film from 1960, namely the sight of female nipples and some
very graphic gore (at least for the time).
The film opens with writer Hans von Arnim (Pierre Brice; The Germany/France
WINNETOU
Western films [1962 - 1998]) arriving in 19th Century Holland to do a
monograph on Professor Gregorius Wahl (Herbert Boehme; THE
SECRET (PUZZLE) OF THE RED ORCHID - 1961) and his family's
one hundred years of operating and creating a strange carousel of
female serial killers throughout history, which takes place in a
windmill. When Hans asks a local where Professor Wahl lives, he
replies in the Mill of the Stone Women. When Hans asks the local why
he calls it that, he says he doesn't know, it has been called that
ever since he can remember, as people come from all over to watch the
weird carousel of realistic-looking stone women display their crimes.
When Hans arrives at the windmill, he meets housekeeper Selma (Olga
Solbelli; THE THIRD EYE
- 1966), who brings him inside and tells him to wait there and not
wander off. Hans hears some piano music playing in the background and
when it stops, a beautiful, yet pasty-faced, young woman peers out of
the curtains and looks at Hans with lust in her eyes. Before Hans can
approach her, Selma again appears and shows him to a room, locking
the door so Hans cannot leave (or to stop someone from getting in).
Hans begins hearing a woman scream as if she is in severe pain, but
before he can do anything Professor Wahl appears and tells Hans that
he is very busy, so he will only give him six days to write his
monograph, showing him to a secluded room in the windmill where he
will work. He is under no circumstances to leave the room except to
leave the windmill at night when he is finished for the day. On the
first day Hans is there, the beautiful white-faced woman appears
again and tells him her name is Elfie (Scilla Gabel; BASTARD,
GO AND KILL - 1971), the Professor's daughter. She tells
Hans she must see him tonight at 11:00 PM and not to worry about
anyone catching them because everyone will be asleep. Hans agrees and
then goes to a restaurant to meet his girlfriend Liselotte (Dany
Carrel; THE HANDS OF ORLAC
- 1960) and his best friend, the womanizing Ralf (Marco Guglielmi; HOW
TO KILL A JUDGE - 1974). Both Liselotte and Ralf are
students at a university where the Professor teaches sculpture and
life classes (i.e. drawing the naked human body). Hans asks Ralf if
the Professor has a daughter and he says yes, but no one has ever
seen her, as the Professor never lets her leave the windmill.
Liselotte leaves in a huff because Hans is talking about another
woman, so Hans sends Ralf to go to her and talk some sense into her
(Yes, send a womanizer to talk sense into a hurt woman!). At 11:00
PM, Hans meets Elfie in her bedroom, where she professes her love for
him and they make love. The next morning, Liselotte and Ralf meet
Hans at the windmill, and when Elfie sees Hans hugging and kissing
Liselotte, she becomes instantly jealous, writing Hans a threatening
note and leaving it in his work room.
When Liselotte and Ralf leave, The Professor pulls Hans into his
office and tells him he is to have no further contact with Elfie. The
Professor explains that Elfie suffers from a rare blood disease and
any excitement will kill her, which is why Dr. Loren Bohlem (Wolfgang
Preiss; THE BLOODSTAINED BUTTERFLY
- 1971) also lives in the windmill. He is there to make sure his
daughter doesn't die, but the Professor doesn't know that Dr. Bohlem
loves Elfie, even though she can't stand him. Dr. Bohlem is trying to
create a formula to cure Elfie of her disease, but her blood type is
so rare, it is almost impossible to duplicate it or find someone with
the same type blood. That afternoon, Liselotte and Ralf come to the
windmill to watch the carousel in action, but it becomes too
frightening to Liselotte (The stone female figures look real to her)
and she passes out. The Professor gives smelling salts to Ralf to
administer to Liselotte and when she comes to, the Professor sees
that one of her hatpins has scratched her face, so he uses his
handkerchief to wipe off the blood (HUGE clue!). While Hans is
working in his room, Elfie comes in and apologizes for writing the
threatening note, saying she got mad when she saw him kissing another
woman. Hans tells Elfie that he can never love her and Elfie is fine
with that, telling him that her love for him will sustain her. When
Hans refuses to kiss her, Elfie falls down unconscious and Hans
carries her to her bed, He uses a mirror to check her breathing when
he sees blood trickling out of the side of her mouth, only to
discover that she is dead. Not wanting to lose his job or tell the
Professor what happened, he just leaves Elfie in her bedroom and says
nothing, but guilt begins to drive Hans insane (he has quite the
"freak-out" scene!), especially when he goes down into the
windmill's basement and sees Elfie strapped to a table next to a
red-haired woman, who is strapped to a table next to her. Hans' mind
snaps and a doctor puts Hans on bedrest for a few days to hopefully
recuperate, with Liselotte seeing to his every need.
When Hans returns to his normal self, Liselotte disappears and he
tells Ralf what he saw in the windmill's basement. A black &
white photo in Liselotte's room shows her standing next to a woman,
the same woman that Hans saw strapped to a table next to Elfie. When
Hans tells Ralf she has red hair, Ralf has no other choice but to
believe him, since the woman, named Annelore (Liana Orfei; HERCULES,
SAMSON AND ULYSSES - 1963), was a model in one of Liselotte
and his life classes that the Professor taught and Hans could only
know she had red hair if he actually saw her, since the photo was in
black & white. We then see how Dr. Bohlem brings back Elfie to
life time after time. This time, using Annelore, they drain her of
all her red blood cells and put them onto Elfie's body, but it is
only a temporary solution. Professor Wahl then mummifies Annelore's
body (we watch as he does it step-by-step and it's quite hard to
watch) and turns her into one of the carousel's exibits, something he
has done to all of the victims who brought Elfie back to life. Hans
and Ralf race to the windmill, knowing that Liselotte is going to be
the next victim, but what they don't know is the Liselotte is to be
the final victim, as she has the type of blood needed for Dr. Bolem
to create the formula to cure Elfie of her disease (Dr. Bohlem tested
the blood on the Professor's handkerchief). With Liselotte strapped
to the table (her naked nipples prominently displayed! If you don't
see them, you have the edited version), Dr. Bohlem tells the
Professor that he will cure Elfie under one condition: She will
become his wife. The Professor laughs and says that will never
happen; his daughter deserves someone much better than a disgraced
doctor he saved from the gallows. This results in a fight where the
Professor kills Dr. Bohlem. As the Professor starts the blood
transference and is about to use the formula to cure his daughter, he
can't find the syringe where he saw Dr. Bohlem place it, not knowing
Dr. Bohlem pocketed the syringe just before he made his demands. As
Elfie's life drains from her body, the Professor finds the syringe in
Dr. Bohlem's lab jacket, broken during their fight. Feeling defeated,
the Professor sets fire to the windmill, as Hans and Ralf rescue
Liselotte and flee the burning windmill. The Professor carries a
dying Elfie and they sit atop the carousel, watching the female
serial killer figures burning (including Annelore's) and revealing
they all have human skulls, as the fire burns all around them (try to
ignore the shot of the burning windmill, which is obviously a
miniature model). THE END.
This very colorful Gothic horror film, directed by Giorgio Ferroni (THE
TROJAN HORSE - 1961; SECRET
AGENT SUPER DRAGON - 1966; NIGHT
OF THE DEVILS - 1972) and co-written by Ferroni, Remigio Del
Grosso (JOURNEY
BENEATH THE DESERT - 1961), Ugo Liberatore (director/writer
of DAMNED IN VENICE
- 1978) and Giorgio Stegani (DEATH
ON THE FOURPOSTER - 1964), is an adult foray into the
perverse, showing us
things we never thought we would see in a 1960 horror film (The more
that I watch these early-'60s Italian Gothic horror films, the less
surprised I become!). The nudity shown in this film comes out of left
field, especially when showing Liselotte's nipples as she is strapped
to the table. If you aren't looking specifically there, you may miss
them, as the camera doesn't linger, but there are two scenes that
show them, so it was no mistake. The TV version of this film
specifically edits them out, as well as scenes of the stone
figures burning and revealing their skulls (I mistakenly watched the
edited version on YouTube before I found the unedited version
streaming on Amazon Prime, which I had to pay for.). It even edits
out a head falling off one of the figures. It shows us nothing, even
though Hans picks it up, looks at it and tells Ralf that it is a
mummified human head, before dropping it to the floor (the edited
version does show the head lying on the floor, though). This is still
a well-made film full of atmospheric sequences, especially the first
time we see the carousel in action, as women in various freaky poses
slide across a track, revealing themselves one-by-one. There's a
woman who has her head on a chopping block, ready to have it
separated from her body, another tied to a stake and ready to be
burned and still another with a noose around her neck, the look on
her choking face horrifying. This was one of those films that use to
be a staple on TV during my childhood, but it's nothing quite like
what you will see in the unedited version, including frank talks
about sex. There's enough weirdness in this film for me to give it a
big thumbs-up, so catch it if you can, but remember to avoid the
edited version.
Shot as IL
MULINO DELLE DONNE DI PIETRA (a literal translation of the
review title) and also known as DROPS
OF BLOOD, this film gained a 1963
theatrical release in the United States by Parade Pictures
Releasing, yet it had only one legitimate VHS
release in the U.S. in 1985 from Paragon
Video, the rest relying on gray market VHS releases by companies
like Something Weird Video and Threat Theater and they were all the
TV version of the film (Paragon's sleeve lists a running time of 93
minutes, but I can assure you it is the 85 minute version). There was
only one legitimate disc release of the unedited film in the States,
that being a DVD
in 2004 by Mondo Macabro, which is long OOP. There have been no
updated discs since then. While this film can be found streaming on
YouTube, most prints are the 85 minute version, yet there is also an
unedited version, but it is in French language only. I did manage to
find the unedited version streaming on Amazon Prime, so I purchased
it for $7.99 ($1.99 for a rental, even for Prime members). It's
actually a widescreen version from Sinister
Cinema that is blemish-free and very colorful, well worth the
$7.99, because I will watch this frequently, as it has plenty of
replay value. Also featuring Alberto Archetti (THE
MONSTER OF THE OPERA - 1961/1964) as Konrad, the Professor's
assistant. Not Rated.
THE
MUMMY THEME PARK (2000) - Egypt
Today: Nekhebet (Helen Preest) performs an ancient ritual which
causes a huge earthquake, opening a giant crack in the desert,
revealing an underground ancient necropolis; a city of the dead. One
Week Later: Archaeologist Professor Mason (Peter Boom; ZONE
TROOPERS - 1985) tells a nameless wealthy Sheik (Cyrus
Elias; MAYA - 1988)
that he has found the tomb he has been looking for all his life. The
earthquake has revealed vast underground tunnels, one of them leading
to the tomb of an ancient Egyptian Pharaoh Mummy King, who was a
sorcerer who could "bring back to life things that were
lifeless. He could transform a dead body into a living creature."
A wall of hieroglyphics leading to the tomb is actually a curse to anyone
who dares disturb the Mummy King. The Professor translates the curse
to the Sheik, which scares the crap out of the Egyptian workers, who
begin running away, but the Sheik orders them to come back and open
the tomb immediately, saying anyone who believes in curses in this
day and age is a coward. The workers don't care and run away, so the
Sheik tells his guards to shoot them in the back, which they do (The
Professor watches and smiles!). One worker's life is spared and the
Sheik orders him to open the tomb with a crowbar (!), but one of
Nekhebet's followers throws a knife and kills the worker. The
follower is shot and mortally wounded, but before he dies, he tells
the Professor and Sheik that he is the Guardian of the Pharaoh's Tomb
and is there to protect the "great secret" the tomb holds.
The Sheik asks the Professor what this all means and he says,
"The world of the dead, so important to ancient Egyptians, was
under the protection of Anubis. This God is always represented with
the head of a jackal, which was a sacred animal. The Egyptians built
their pyramids on the edge of the desert to protect the dead from
being devoured by beasts of prey, so that these bodies could journey
to the next world intact. They regarded jackals as guardians of the
Necropolis." The Sheik says, "That's a load of
bullshit!" and says he will open the tomb himself, picking up
the crowbar and opening the tomb with a single thrust! A bright light
envelopes everyone as the Sheik laughs maniacally.
Six Months Later: We see professional photographer Daniel
Flynn (Adam O'Neil) taking photos of models in various states of
undress. The Sheik phones Daniel's studio saying that he is in need
of their services here in Egypt, sending an $80,000 retainer for
their best photographer. Daniel's boss, Richard (John Gayford; WHAT
HAVE YOU DONE TO SOLANGE? - 1972), asks what the assignment
entails and the Sheik says it is highly confidential, but the photos
must be sensational. Daniel is assigned to go to Egypt, along with
his assistant (but not girlfriend) Julie (Holly Laningham). The Sheik
is a very cruel man, as all his harem girls have "Property Of
The Sheik" tattoed on various parts of their bodies and we watch
as he punishes a servant for doing something wrong by binding him in
a small pool while a large snake bites and constricts his body,
killing him (The Sheik's guards laugh as they watch it happen on
close circuit TV!). When Daniel and Julie arrive in Cairo, Daniel
sees a (model) train traveling in the desert and asks the
driver where it is going. He tells Daniel it is going to Hades, which
is the driver's name for the Sheik's Mummy Theme Park, which he has
built in the tunnels and the tomb of the Mummy King. Heck, what could
possibly go wrong? Daniel and Julie are greeted at the Sheik's
enormous palace by the beautiful Nekhebet, whom the Sheik wants to
bed, but she constantly turns down his sexual advances, making him
furious (He tells all his beautiful harem girls to leave because they
offend his eyes!). When Julie tells Nekhebet she has a strange,
funny-sounding name, she tells Julie, "It's an important name in
Egypt. One of our greatest ancient divinities. She has the head of a
snake. It's a symbol for the Goddess of Eternity." Julie is a
piece of work, belittling Nekhebet's name, asking her if she knows
any ancient pharaohs, which she shouldn't have done, because it makes
Nekhebet very mad. She puts a curse on both Julie and Daniel, making
their stay in Cairo very unnerving. Someone throws a miniature Sphinx
statue wrapped in unreadable text (at least for Daniel) through
Daniel's bedroom window on the very first night he is there (One of
the Sheik's harem girls says that Julie is very pretty and the main
harem girl [Paola Real] retorts, "You mean that bulemic bag of
bones? I could eat her for breakfast!").
When Daniel and Julie first meet the Sheik, he gives them a virtual
tour of his Mummy Theme park, which is like WESTWORLD
(1973) but with mummies, as nearly every character in the park is a
robot, all of them under constant surveillance by a team of
technicians via CCTV and computers. A team of geologists are also on
hand to make sure the ancient necropolis is not once again lost
should the crevasse suddenly close again (Or, according to Daniel,
"The Earth will once more swallow what it vomited up." Say
what you want, but he has a way with words!). The Sheik tells Daniel
and Julie that he has taken into consideration every conceivable
problem that could arise and assures them that the train ride that
travels through the theme park is 100% safe, but since he doesn't
believe in ancient curses, that safe percentage is about to go down
99 percentage points into a very deadly zone: The Mummy Zone!
Daniel and Julie take a train ride through the theme park with the
Sheik so Daniel knows what to photograph the following day. The Sheik
tells the pair that they will see robotic mummies come to life,
unaware that Nekhebet is summoning the real Mummy King and his
Guardians back to life. We watch one of the Sheik's guards become
possessed, as his tongue falls out of his mouth (!) and a huge
mass of flesh escapes from his over-stretched mouth, turning him into
creature that can best be described as a snake-headed demon with a
huge forked tongue. The funniest part of the tour is when the train
stops halfway though its journey at the park's concession stand and
souvenier shop, where the Sheik orders a beer ($10), which comes out
of a tap of a miniature Sphinx's chin beard! Daniel orders an ice tea
($5), which comes out of another mini Sphinx, and Julie orders a
container of popcorn (price unknown). When the man behind the counter
looks for payment, the Sheik says, "We'll settle up later."
I nearly pissed my pants I was laugh so hard, as the look on the
counter man's face is priceless.
That night, we watch the harem girls get into a catfight when one of
them mentions dying her hair blonde like Julie, but the main harem
girl tells her she will look like a tart, as a slap-fight commences.
The Sheik tells his "sorcerers", "Tonight I want to
dream of magic", so one of the men sets up a mat on the floor
and tells the Sheik, "Tonight you will see beautiful things you
cannot touch.", as they burn some incense, play the flute and
bang on bongos, while a ghostly girl dances provocatively. The Sheik
is not satisfied, saying, "I want a real girl! In the flesh!
Live!", throwing a coconut and beaning one of the men in the
head. What happens next, you'll have to experience for yourself,
because mere words cannot describe it (It ends with the main sorcerer
being thrown in the small pool with the large snake).
Daniel takes the paper that the miniature Sphinx (that was thrown
through his window) was wrapped in for a translation by Professor
Mason, who says the paper is a threatening letter written in ancient
Egyptian hieroglyphics, stating everyone is going to die horribly if
the theme park is opened. When Daniel tells Julie that they are
leaving immediately after he takes the photos tomorrow morning,
Julie, who is barely dressed, gets all clingy with Daniel, right
after telling him she never thought of dating him, he is not her idea
of boyfriend material. What follows next is the cheesiest thirty
minutes you are ever likely to see, as the gauze-wrapped mummy begins
killing every living person in his path, beginning with the Sheik's
guards, who are dismembered and decapitated by tyhe sword-swinging
mummy. When Daniel is taking photos in the park's "Mummy
Birthing Chamber", which was built on top of the Pharaoh Mummy
King's tomb, Daniel and Julie become trapped in the theme park, the
mummy chasing them while the Sheik blocks all means that allow them
to escape, telling his guards, "Do you know how much I spent on
this park?!?" The mummy becomes enamored with Julie's breasts
(!), so Daniel tells her, "Just open your blouse. It's the only
thing that will slow him down!" (I'm sure soda shot through my
nose when I heard that line of dialogue!). Julie runs around holding
her blouse open while the mummy stares at her, mesmerized, giving
Daniel enough time to pour a bucket of acid on the mummy, nearly
dissolving it (Where in the hell did he find acid???). The
acid-scarred skeletal mummy (now an awful practical effect dummy)
chases the pair through the park (consider it a cheapjack version of
the ending of THE TERMINATOR
- 1984), but no matter how many times they think they have killed it,
the dummy mummy keeps bouncing back. Is there any way to stop this
curse? Will the Sheik ever recoup the $250 million he spent on the
theme park? Will I ever regain my sanity after watching this goofy
film? The answers to all of these questions are the same: no. Oh
well, sanity is over-rated anyway.
Made primarily due to the worldwide success of 1999's THE
MUMMY, this delirious cheapie comes from the demented mind
of Al Passeri
(real name: Alvaro Passeri), the director of the extremely bad CREATURES
FROM THE ABYSS (1994), a film so terrible, it transcends
badness and becomes hypnotic to the viewer, not allowing them to take
their eyes off the screen in fear they will miss something so
mind-numbingly awful, no one would believe you if you told them. This
film isn't so different, as it contains acting so juvenile
(especially by the two leads) and not-so-special special effects,
which are nothing but cheap green screen and back projection effects
mixed with truly terrible miniature effects, that could be done by
anyone with a computer and a bunch of balsa wood. The train ride
through the theme park will make you howl with laughter, as
everything seen through the train car's windows are obviously green
screened miniature effects. Believe me when I say films don't come
more threadbare than this, as Passeri, who co-wrote the screenplay
with Anthony Pedicini (who worked in the Art Department on Roger
Corman's BATTLE BEYOND
THE STARS - 1980), makes sure there is nothing in the script
that can't be created with cheap CGI, including a man getting his
head cleaved in two by the sword-wielding mummy. Just like CREATURES,
you won't be able to take your eyes off the screen. I really can't
say more than that. You'll know right away if this film is for you
just by watching the opening minutes. It's full of hilarious dialogue
(especially what comes out of the Sheik's mouth), has acting that can
best be described as unbelievable and the special effects are so bad,
it looks like the film was made for the change Passeri found under
his couch cushions. Films like this don't come around often, but
Passeri followed this up with the severely retarded FLIGHT
TO HELL (2003; look for a review soon) and the even harder
to find PSYCHOVISION
(2003; I'm still searching for it). I would like to thank my friend
Steven from across the pond for alerting me to this film. It was just
what I needed when quarantined in my apartment for six weeks due to
the COVID-19 pandemic. This flick makes Bruno Mattei's supremely bad
mummy film THE TOMB
(2004) look like an A-List production, but that's not necessarily a
bad thing because we all need a braindead film like this every so often.
This film was made for video and got very little distribution around
the world, except for Italy, Germany, Japan and the U.K., where it
received VHS and DVD releases. It is available streaming on YouTube
on channel "HelloSpiral777" and, believe it or not, it is
also available on Tubi, who offer it uncut, with very short
commercial breaks every twenty minutes or so. Those are your only
choices in the States, as there are no legitimate disc releases. Also
featuring Beth Holland, Clive Riche (CEMETERY
MAN - 1994), Monica Kiss, Dennis Wortmann, Andrea Dafan and
Mark Anazald as the Mummy. Not Rated.