CAGED
HEAT 3000 (1995) -
Makes any film by Cirio H. Santiago look like a masterpiece in comparison.
Director Aaron Osborne needs to rethink his future. Wait till you see
his abysmal monster flick, ZARKORR!
THE INVADER
(1996), to see the direction his career is heading (its not
up). A New Horizon H.V.
Release R
ALIEN TERMINATOR (1995) - Just what we need: Another mutant-on-the-loose in an underground facility with no way out. At least director/writer Dave Payne thought so. A Cosmic H.V. Release R
THE HOWLING: NEW MOON RISING (1995) - Crap like this is extremely hard to stomach. Director/producer/writer/star Clive Turner took a bad franchise and made it even worse (even adding Country Line Dancing, if you can fathom such a dire situation!). A New Line H.V. Release R
ARMAGEDDON: THE FINAL CHALLENGE (1994) - Could anyone make sense of this deadly slow sci-fi thriller? Apparently, it looked good on paper to writer/director Michael Garcia. An insomniacs dream. A York H.V. Release Not Rated
WITHIN
THE ROCK (1995)
-
This Sci-Fi Channel Planetary Premiere is just another
poor spaceminers vs. bloodthirsty alien flick. Deadly slow and
illogical. Written and directed by effects man Gary J. Tunnicliffe.
Stick with the effects, Gary. An A-PIX H.V.
Release. R
WES CRAVEN PRESENTS: MIND RIPPER (1994) - Just what we need: Another mutant-on-the-loose in an underground...hey, didnt I say that already? Director Joe Gayton shoots craps. Lance Henriksen needs to pick his roles more carefully. A WarnerVision H.V. Release Not Rated
BERETTAS ISLAND (1993) - Director/star Franco Columbu has no talent and needs a hair weave. A lame attempt at an action adventure film. An A-PIX H.V. Release R
DR. JEKYLL & MS. HYDE (1995) - The only time I laughed was when the film was over. David Prices direction is heavy-handed and forced. An HBO Video Release PG-13
GRIM (1995) - A monster who can walk through solid rock snatches unsuspecting teens. I just sat there petrified with boredom. Paul Mathews direction sinks like a stone. An A-PIX H.V. Release R
DEAD WEEKEND (1995) - Ultra-cheap futuristic thriller that is the filmic equivalent of valium. Director Amos Poe hasnt got a clue on how to film an action scene. Star Stephen Baldwin evokes no emotion whatsoever. A zombie has more charm. A Paramount H.V. Release R
CEREMONY (1994) - Bad sound destroys any chance this ultra-low budget film has of holding your attention. The only plus is watching Forry Ackermans head explode. Direction and effects by Joe Castro (not related to Fidel), who later made the equally abyssmal LEGEND OF THE CHUPACABRA (1997). A York H.V. Release. Not Rated
THE DOGFIGHTERS (1995) - This anemic action film, starring Robert Davi and the late Alexander Godunov, is so slow and boring that it gives all dogs a bad name. Also known as THE ZONE. Director Barry Zetlin needs an adrenaline transfusion. A Live Ent. H.V. Release R
SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK...AGAIN (1996) - Why would anyone want to make an R-rated sequel to an awful TV movie? Could it be because Stephen Kings name comes attached to it? Director Adam Grossman (who also directed the awful CARNIVAL OF SOULS remake) needs a long vacation. A Vidmark Entertainment H.V. Release. R
BLACK SCORPION (1995) - This film is great if you want to stare at Joan Severances crotch. Look elsewhere if you want any other type of entertainment. This Jonathan Winfrey-directed dud has spawned a sequel and a TV series. You have been warned. A New Horizons H.V. Release. R
THE
SANDMAN (1996)
-
Director J.R. Bookwalter hasnt made a good film since THE
DEAD NEXT DOOR.
This is another one of his shot-on-video turdfests with no redeeming
values whatsoever. A Tempe Video Release R
UNKNOWN ORIGIN (1995) - Still another patented by-the-numbers monster-on-the-loose film from Roger Cormans Concorde Films. Im getting very tired of these. Directed by Scott Levy. A New Concorde H.V. Release R
STORMSWEPT (1995) - Incomprehensible supernatural erotic thriller about a film crew trapped in a haunted house during a thunderstorm. Only director David Marsh could explain the ambiguous ending. An MTI H.V. Release NR
PHOENIX (1995) - A sci-fi thriller that is a total embarassment to the talents of Brad Dourif, Billy Drago and William Sanderson. Director Troy Cook should be ashamed of himself. A Monarch H.V. Release NR
THE WHISPERING (1995) - A female succubus whispers into peoples ears, causing them to commit suicide. She should have whispered into director Gregory Gieras (DARK ASYLUM - 2001) ear. A complete snooze. An A-PIX H.V. Release R
VAMPIRE
VIXENS FROM VENUS (1994) -
Piss-poor horror comedy that throws in every cheap gag in hopes of
getting a laugh. It doesnt succeed. Director Ted Bohus (THE
REGENERATED MAN)
is beginning to give New Jersey a bad name (like we need the help!).
Video label not available at presstime, but you can catch it on the
USA Network. Not
Rated
BIOHAZARD: THE ALIEN FORCE (1994) - If I have to sit through one more of director Steve Latshaws borefests, Im going to blow my head off with a shotgun. Also known as BIOCREATURE. A Vidmark Entertainment H.V. Release R
JACK-O (1995) - Honey, get my shotgun! I just sat through another Steve Latshaw crudbomb. A Triboro Entertainment H.V. Release. The DVD from Retromedia Entertainment contains the funniest commentary between Fred Olen Ray and Steve Latshaw that you'll ever hear. My new favorite phrase is "shit pickle". It makes watching the film bearable. R
CYBORG COP II (1994) - This South Africa-lensed thriller has nothing to offer the viewer except poorly-staged action scenes, a hackneyed plot and phony accents. Director Sam Firstenberg has seen better days. Part III (1995) has also been released. A New Line Cinema H.V. Release. Unrated
GHOULIES 4 (1993) - Whomever asked for another installment of this dreadful series should be hung up by their short hairs and disembowled. Jim Wynorski directs with a grade school mentality. If your mentality matches his, you may have a good time. A Columbia Tristar H.V. Release R
THE HAUNTED SEA (1997) - An Aztec snake-demon stalks the inhabitants of a deserted ship in this substandard Roger Corman-produced slagfest starring future Mr. Streisand James Brolin and directed by Dan Golden (who has done far better). A New Horizons H.V. Release. R
MILO
(1998) -
A child psycho returns from the dead to terrorize his now-adult
classmates. Nothing new here, except if you want to watch Antonio
Fargas play a janitor. Directed haphazardly with a heavy hand by
Pascal Franchot. A Sterling H.V. Release. R
PYROMANIAC (1994) - Really awful shot-on-video thriller (a.k.a. IGNITEMARE) about a psycho (Warren Stevens) who burns his victims alive. The most amazing aspect of this film is that it took two people to direct it (Catherine Lane & Greg Finton). A CineQuaNon H.V.Release. Not Rated
BREEDERS (1997) - Director Paul Matthews places this confusing alien-on-the-loose mish-mash in Boston, even though its plain to see and hear that it was actually filmed in England. Thats the best thing I can say about this mess. An A-PIX H.V. Release. R
STARLIGHT (1995) - Incomprehensible mess about aliens, Indian rituals and Willie Nelsons questionable acting talents. This film sat on the shelf for over two years before Monarch H.V. let it escape. Non-directed by Jonathan Kay. Not Rated but contains nothing objectionable. Why bother?
WEREWOLF (1995) - This Tony Zarindast-directed disaster is an amateurish piece of trash. Consider it a cowlick on the scalp of life. An A-PIX H.V. Release. R
THE
MADDENING (1995) -
Watch Burt Reynolds go mad after he realizes how low his career has
fallen after appearing in shit like this. He can do better (Remember BOOGIE
NIGHTS
[1997]?). Director Danny Huston has not inherited any of his
fathers John talent. A Vidmark
Entertainment H.V. Release. R
AMERICAN COP (1994) - You can usually count on any film that stars Wayne Crawford to be uniformly awful, but he also directed this one. How do you think it turned out? Youll have more fun ripping out your toenails with a rusty pair of pliers. An A-PIX Entertainment H.V. Release. PG-13
WARHEAD (1996) - Wow! Both Frank Zagarino and Joe Lara in an action film? Your most boring day would contain more action than this Mark Roper-directed snorebomb. A Vidmark Entertainment H.V. Release. R
CYBORG 3: THE RECYCLER (1994) - This needless sequel is only notable for two reasons: 1: Watching Richard Lynchs phony English accent disappear and reappear at will, and 2: Seeing how low Zach Galligans career has fallen. Directed by Michael Schroeder. A WarnerVision H.V. Release. R
BREAKAWAY (1995) - Tonya Harding falls hard on her tight ass yet again in her acting debut. This is an unexciting and poorly-staged action film, directed by Sean Dash. Ms. Hardings honeymoon video contained more action. Video label unavailable. R
PINOCCHIOS REVENGE (1996) - It was all done much better in a little movie called CHILDS PLAY (1988). Why would talented director Kevin Tenney get involved in a project like this? A Vidmark Entertainment H.V. Release. R
THE CROW: CITY OF ANGELS (1996) - A slap in the face to the memory of Brandon Lee. A pox on director Tim Pope and everyone else involved with this worthless mess. Two more sequels followed. Can you believe that there was a T.V. series based on this character? A Miramax H.V. Release. R
EYE OF THE STRANGER (1993) - Director/star David Heavener has made so many of his own action flicks that you would think his skills would improve. They havent. A Monarch Release. R
RAVEN HAWK (1995) - Director Albert Pyun nearly destroys any chance that two-time Ms. Olympia Rachel McLish has of becoming an action film star, thanks to his limp revenge melodrama with an ecological bent. Now thats a herculean feat! A Columbia Tristar H.V. Release. R
OPERATION GOLDEN PHOENIX (1994) - Vanity production by director/star Jalil Merhi only goes to prove that youre only as good as your talent. Merhi has none. An MCA Release. R
SHRIEKER (1997) - Standard Full Moon crap about five college students trapped in an abandoned hospital with a two-headed monster. These college kids should stop using their tuition money on drugs. Directed by Victoria Sloan (a.k.a. David DeCoteau). A Full Moon H.V. Release. R
ED AND HIS DEAD MOTHER (1993) - Terribly unfunny comedy about a man (Steve Buscemi) who has his mother brought back from the dead, only to have her turn into a cannibal. A total embarassment. Dir: Jonathan Wacks. A Fox Lorber Release. Available on DVD from Scorpion Releasing. PG-13
HELLBOUND (1993) - It should stay there once it reaches its destination. Chuck Norris kickboxes a Devils disciple searching for his lost scepter. Dir: Aaron Norris. A Cannon Video Release. R
IRONHEART (1992) - All the spark has gone out of director Robert Clouses eyes. This grade Z martial arts actioner proves that Mr. Clouse has either lost his touch or just doesnt give a damn. A crying shame. An Imperial Entertainment Release. R
BIRDS II: LANDS END (1994) - A slap in the face to Hitchcocks 1963 classic. Apparently director Rick Rosenthal thought so too. He is listed as "Alan Smithee" in the credits. An MCA Release. R
PROJECT: METALBEAST (1994) - Genetic experiments performed on a werewolf result in extreme boredom for the viewer. Barry Bostwick looks embarassed (and should be). A complete washout. Dir: Allessandro de Gaetano. A Prism Entertainment Release. R
THE GIRL WITH THE HUNGRY EYES (1993) - Director/writer Jon Jacobs took Fritz Leibers classic short story of the same name and turned it into an artsy-fartsy incomprehensible mess. No style and no class. A Columbia Tristar Release. R
THE ROAD KILLERS (1993) - Psychopathic gang terrorizes Christopher Lambert and his vacationing family. Deadly dull with badly staged action scenes. Dir: Deran Sarafian. A LIVE Release. R
THE SILENCE OF THE HAMS (1993) - Kitchen sink parody of horror films that fails miserably on all levels. Director/star Ezio Greggio should be strung up and shot. A Cabin Fever Release. R
WATCHERS
3 (1994) -
Why make another sequel to a film that begged to be put to sleep?
Wings Hauser fights a genetic mutant in the jungle. PREDATOR
(1987) has nothing to worry about. Me Tarzan, you bored. Dir: Jeremy
Stanford. A New Horizons Release. R
(For a longer review of this lousy film, click HERE)
MANDROID (1993) - Another cheapjack TERMINATOR (1984) wannabe that was shot in Romania. Youll want someone to shoot you and put you out of your misery after viewing 10 minutes of this Full Moon travesty. Dir: Jack Ersgard. A Paramount Release. R
KNIGHTS (1993) - The word "boring" does not do this Alfred Pyun-directed post-apocalypse clunker justice. He continues to commit filmic suicide (And how in the hell did he get Kris Kristofferson to star in this?), but keeps coming back for more. His pact with the Devil must have some strong consequenses later in his life. A Paramount Release. R
MENNO'S MIND (1996) - Deadly dull futuristic thriller in which rebel Bruce Campbell's mind is transferred into computer tech Bill Campbell's brain. Director Jon Kroll needed to transfer a sense of pacing into this lackluster potboiler. A Showtime Networks. H.V. Release. Not Rated
WHERE EVIL LIES (1995) - Standard silicone 'n' blood shocker from New Horizon's factory. This one's about a white slavery ring that runs its' business in the back of a strip club. How original. Director Kevin Alber shouldn't quit his day job. Unrated
THE PATRIOT (1998) - This Steven Seagal vehicle was so bad that it skipped a theatrical release and went straight to pay cable (the first of many to come). Director Dean Semler breaks the cardinal rule of action films: There is no action! A couple more like this and Mr. Seagal (or rather his stunt double) will be hawking exercise equipment on the Home Shopping Network. A Touchstone H.V. Release. R
EXPECT NO MERCY (1995) - Expect no logic or entertainment in this slapdash futuristic martial arts thriller pitting Tai Bo master Billy Blanks and towelhead Jalil Merhi against virtual assassins. This Zale Dalen-directed snoozefest also spawned a computer game! A WarnerVision H.V. Release. R
FUGITIVE X: INNOCENT TARGET (1995) - Another MOST DANGEROUS GAME (1932) retread starring and directed by David Heavener. Need I say more? A Silver Lake Home Video Release. R
CARNIVAL
OF SOULS (1998) -
I'm not a fan of the original, but even I think that this Adam
Grossman-directed semi-remake is a slap to the face of the late Herk
Harvey. Everyone involved in this (including Wes Craven) should be
ashamed of themselves. A Trimark H.V. Release. R
JACK FROST (1996) - Shit stains in my underwear are more interesting to look at than this unfunny horror/comedy about a killer snowman. Director/writer Michael Cooney suffered from a case of terminal brainfreeze. Not to be confused with the Michael Keaton film of the same name, even if that one sucked, too. It did spawn a sequel that gives a new definition to the word "turd". An A-Pix H.V. Release. R
RUMPELSTILTSKIN (1995) - I know that "little people" have to make a living, but do they have to play murderous shorties in awful films like this? Director Mark Jones (who also helmed the similarly-themed LEPRECHAUN - 1992) should be ashamed. A Republic Pictures H.V. Release. R
MOVIE
HOUSE MASSACRE (1984) -
Mary Woronov has always been a favorite of mine, but even she
cannot save this tripe about murders at a reopened movie theater.
Directed by Rick Sloane (HOBGOBLINS
- 1987) using the pseudonym "Alice Raley". Adding a woman's
name does not make it a better film. A Star
Classics H.V. Release. Also available on DVD under the title BLOOD
THEATER. Not Rated
HOLLYWOOD
STRANGLER MEETS THE SKID ROW SLASHER
(1979) - Director Ray Dennis Steckler (using the alias
"Wolfgang Schmidt" here) is considered a cult figure (see
review for BLOOD SHACK
- 1971). He made this one on weekends and it shows. No soundtrack, no plot,
no direction. Someone ought to deprogram this cult figure. A Video
Treasures H.V. Release. Not Rated
THE MEATEATER (1978) - Does anyone understand this film? The villian has a fetish for Jean Harlow. People have a hankering for pork products. I have a fetish for better movies. Thankfully, director Derek Savage has never made another film. A Video Treasures H.V. Release. Funded mostly by a pork company, hence the title. See how many times you can spot meat or references to meat in this film. Absolutely hilarious in a bad way. Not Rated
GORE-MET ZOMBIE CHEF FROM HELL (1986) - The best thing about this cheaply-made film is the cover art on the video box. Unfortunately, none of it is contained in the film. This is director Don Swan's only film. Thank God for small favors! A Camp Video Release. Not Rated
HONEYMOON
HORROR (1981)
- Amateur hour stuff about a killer at a lodge that caters to
newlyweds. And if you thought THE NEWLYDEADS
was bad, it seems downright professional when compared to this.
Directed by one-shot wonder Harry Preston. Divorce yourself from this
one. A Sony Video
Release. Not Rated
BOARDING HOUSE (1982) - Really bad shot-on-video nonsense about someone or something killing beautiful (?) women at the titled residence. Director John Wintergate also stars using the name "Hawk Adly" and does neither very well. A stinking piece of crap. Also known as HOUSEGEIST. A Paragon Video Release in SP speed and a Star Classics H.V. Release in the EP speed. Also available on DVD from Code Red. R
BLOOD SCREAMS (1987) - Even though Russ Tamblyn stars, this South-of-the Border production about a pack of killer monks is a real snoozefest. Director Glen Gebhard has little talent for displaying terror or pacing. Could have been a whole lot better. A Warner H.V. Release. R
BRAIN
SUCKER (1988) - Another
shot-on-video loser that claims to be a horror/comedy. Director Herb
Robins still hasn't learned how to make a watchable film (remember THE
WORM EATERS [1977]?). The back of the video box has the
nerve to compare it to YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN!
A Parody Productions H.V. Release. Not Rated
INTERZONE (1987)
- Poor Bruce Abbott stars in this dreadful MAD
MAX (1979) clone. One of the characters is called Panasonic!
Turn down the volume and then turn off the set. Another bad film from
director Deran Sarafian (THE ROAD KILLERS
- 1993; ALIEN PREDATORS
- 1984). A Star Classics
H.V. Release. Not
Rated
THE ALIEN DEAD (1980) - One of director Fred Olen Ray's first films and actor Buster Crabbe's last film. What a way to begin and end a career. Neither one is on a high note. This amateur film is a real yawner about a fallen meteorite turning people into flesh-eating ghouls. To call it dull is being kind. A Star Classics H.V. Release. Not Rated
HOBGOBLINS (1987) - Makes MUNCHIES (1987) look like a classic in comparison. This is just another excruciating rip-off of GREMLINS (1984). What else would you expect from director Rick Sloane, the purveyor of the VICE ACADEMY films (six so far) and the similiarly-themed THE VISITANTS (1987)? Avoid it like the plague. A Star Classics H.V. Release. Believe it or not, this awful film spawned a sequel in 2009! Not Rated
DEEP
IN THE WOODS (2000) - What the
fuck? That's what I kept saying when watching this French-made dubbed
horror fiasco about a troupe of theatrical performers trapped in a
house run by a strange father and his even stranger son. You'll hit
the fast forward button faster than you can say "Ooh-La-La".
Directed by Lionel Delplanque and starring a bunch of frogs. An Artisan
Home Entertainment DVD Release. R
HARVESTERS
(2001) - I really wanted to like this one, except that it's
deadly boring and shot on video. It's basically a remake of the late
Don Dohler's BLOOD MASSACRE
(1988). Dohler (who passed away in late 2006) wrote, produced and
edited this one. He left the directing chores to one Joe Ripple,
who's a cop in real life. George Stover stars (as he did in BLOOD MASSACRE,
only this time he's the head of the hostage family) and is the only
saving grace. I hope Ripple and Dohler's next film, STAKES
(2002), is better. I'm not counting on it. A Key East
Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated
FROSTBITER (1996) - This is another retitled Troma pick-up (original title: WENDIGO) that has everything that you expect from Troma: awful (and I mean awwfull!!!) acting, incoherent plot, piss-poor special effects and terrible photography. Ex-Stooge (of Iggy Pop fame) Ron Asheton stars. He should stick to his music. Directed by Tom Chaney, who hasn't done anything since this thing escaped. A Troma DVD Release. Not Rated
ASYLUM
OF TERROR (1998)
- I dare anyone to sit through the entire running time of this
amateurish horror flick without falling asleep at least a dozen
times. Where do I begin? It's shot on video. It's populated by
grade-school actors. The sound was recorded through a paper cup. The
effects are not special. Do I need to say more? OK! Stay away from
this fuckin' turd!!! Does a plot really matter if all this crap is in
the way? I thought not. Directed, produced and written by George
Demick, just so who you'll know who to blame. A York
Entertainment Release. Not Rated
ALIEN BLOOD (1998) - Good photography aside, this is one of the slowest films in recent memory. You would think that a plot dealing with aliens, vampires and Men In Black would be interesting, but you would be wrong. Artsy-fartsy direction, lame action sequences, cheap CGI work and long stretches of silence deaden the senses, and since when do regular bullets kill vampires? Director Jon Sorensen is trying to say something here. I just couldn't figure out what. 81 minutes of my life wasted. A Troma DVD Release. Not Rated
THE
MANGLER 2 (2001) - Piss-poor
in-name-only sequel to Tobe Hooper's piss-poor 1995
Stephen King adaption. Got that? Good. A rogue computer program is
killing students at a high-tech college. Any computer nerd could come
up with something more
interesting than this. What is Lance Henriksen doing in this steaming
heap of horse shit? You know you're in trouble when the most likable
character is a French chef. Written and directed by Michael
Hamilton-Wright , who wants to be a hacker but has to on settle being
a hack. An Artisan Home Entertainment
Release. R. I can't believe this spawned even another sequel!
KILLER RATS (2001) - A giant mutated CGI rat starts chowing down on the patients of a recently-opened rehab center. It's slowly-paced and the CGI is quite awful in spots. As one patient puts it: "This can't be good for my sobriety!" You'll feel the same way after viewing this. This is probably the worst credit in Ron Perlman's career. Directed by Tibor Takacs (SANCTUARY - 1997; NOSTRADAMUS - 2000). Thankfully, this is the last of Nuimage's giant insect/animal series, which included SHARK ATTACK (1999), OCTOPUS (2000), CROCODILE (2000), SPIDERS (2000) and their sequels. A DEJ Productions DVD Release. R
GHOST
SHIP (2002) - Let me do all of you
a favor: Click here to
see the best scenes of the movie: A wire snapping through a group of
dancers on a ship's deck. This takes place during the first 5 minutes
of the film. The rest of the film is a mindless hodge-podge of false
scares and people roaming through a deserted haunted ship. Director
Steve Beck (THIR13EN
GHOSTS -
2001) drops the ball here as the rest of the film sinks like a stone
after a fantastic gory opening. Why did stars Julianna Margulies and
real-life beau Ron Eldard leave ER to
appear in crap like this? Talk about career suicide! It's no wonder
Ms. Margulies went back to TV to star in THE
GOOD WIFE (2009 - 2016). A Warner
Bros. DVD Release. R
SOUL
SURVIVORS
(2001) -
Boring tripe about a girl caught between life and death after a car
accident. There is absolutely no reason to watch this crap as it
makes absolutely no sense and induces insomnia after about 5 minutes.
Don't be fooled by the R rating. It inserts about 5 seconds of blood
excised from the film in order to get a PG-13 rating in
theatres. Director Steve Carpenter has done much better with his
earlier films THE DORM
THAT DRIPPED BLOOD
(1981), THE POWER
(1983) and THE KINDRED (1986)
with ex-partner Jeffrey Obrow. An Artisan
Entertainment DVD Release. R
BIOZOMBIE (1998) - This is a real crappy Hong Kong take on DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978). The "heroes" (I use that term loosely) are two scuzzy muggers/thieves/VCD bootleggers that help fight off a group of biotoxin-infested zombies in a mall. Way too much talk and too little action make this film painful to watch as the talk contains some of the worst dubbing your ever going to hear as everyone screams at everyone even during the quieter moments. Directed by Wilson Yip (a.k.a. Yip Wai-Shun), who thinks shouting is funny and bad-mannered people make good heroes. He's dead-wrong on both counts. A Media Blasters/Tokyo Shock DVD Release. Not Rated
HOUSE
OF THE LIVING DEAD (1973) -
This boring South African-filmed period piece is too tame for it's
own good. It plays more like a 19th Century soap opera than a horror
film. There's hardly any blood and while the title does live up to
its' name, it's not about zombies,
only about a mad doctor collecting souls. THE
ASPHYX did it much better the same year. Directed by
TV-veteran Ray Austin, who shows a severe lack of respect for the
horror elements and plays up the histronics to a level only daytime
TV watchers can enjoy. An Interglobal
Home Video Release. Also available on a double
feature DVD (with TERROR
AT RED WOLF INN - 1974) from Alpha
Home Entertainment. PG
PLUTONIUM
BABY (1987) -
What you get here is two films in one, and guess what? They're both
terrible. The first part concerns a child, Danny, who finds out that
he's the product of radiation experiments and his mother was sealed
up in a drum. Mom gets loose and kills all those responsible for her
child's condition before being killed. Ten years later Danny is now a
man living in New York City and begins mutating and must defend the
people he loves by the mad doctor
who has just been released from the radioactive drum Danny's mother
put him in. It plays like a straight version of THE
TOXIC AVENGER (1984) except it has even worse acting and non-direction
by one-timer Ray Hirschman. The only good thing about this film are
the bloody effects by Scott Coulter, but we all know it takes more
than good effects to make a good film and this one stinks. Gregory
Lamberson (SLIME CITY
- 1988) was first assistant director here. A Trans
World Entertainment (SP speed) and Star
Classics Video (EP speed) Release. This film was also released
by Troma. Surprise! Surprise! Not
Rated
WELCOME
TO SPRING BREAK (1988) -
This is probably one of the weakest films that director/writer
Umberto Lenzi (using the pseudonym "Harry Kirkpatrick"
here) has ever made. This Florida-lensed thriller, also known as NIGHTMARE
BEACH, is about an unseen killer who has a homemade electric
chair strapped on to his motorcycle and electrocutes hitchhikers.
John Saxon plays a sheriff who has a hard-on for the local motorcycle
gang. The killer is so easy to unmask
that a blind man could pick him out just by the dialogue alone after
about ten minutes into the film. Weak effects, weak acting (the leads
Nicholas De Toth and Sarah Buxton are rank amateurs), weak screenplay
(you can tell this is an Italian production just by the way the
actors speak their lines) and a really lame ending (the killer gets
electrocuted; how original and ironic!) make this film an effort to
sit through. Also starring Michael Parks and Lance LeGault. An Avid
Home Entertainment Video Release. R
PANIC
STATION (1982) - There's a
reason why this little-known Australian film (a.k.a. PLAINS OF HEAVEN)
has been seen by a very few: IT REEKS!!! It's basically a two
character psychological study about a couple of blokes going slowly
mad at a satellite relay station located in the middle of the Outback
plains. Nothing, and I mean nothing, happens for the entire 77
minutes. It does contains ferrets, eagles and rabbits for some type
of symbology, all of which eludes me. I'm sure director Ian Pringle
was shooting for something here, but I just think he shot himself in
the foot. Starring Richard Moir, Reg Evans and Gerard Kennedy. An Academy
Home Entertainment
Release. Not Rated, but there's nothing objectionable here.
THE
PREY (1980) - They don't stink much
worse than this one. This is another one of those countless
"Killer Mutant in the Woods" films that makes DON'T
GO IN THE WOODS (1981) look absolutely professional. It only
runs 80 minutes long but takes an eternity to get moving along. When
you do finally get to see the mutant creature (played by Carel
Struycken, Lurch in THE ADDAMS FAMILY
films; makeup by John Carl Buechler), you've lost interest long
before because the usual bunch of teenagers do the usual stupid
things while camping in the woods. I know if I found one of my best
friends dead in the forest and I didn't have a rifle or a gun, I'd
beat a hasty retreat to the nearest police station. Director Edwin
Scott Brown (who also directs porn films such as MASQUE
[1996] using the name "Edwin Durell") thinks all teenagers
are dopes or dopeheads and just uses them as fodder for the mutant.
Wait till you get a load of the "surprise" ending! It's
more like a great, steaming load of crap. I can't recommend this one
even to the comatose for fear of putting them into a deeper coma.
This was one of Jackie Coogan's final acting appearances, not a high
note to go out on. A Thorn
EMI Video Release. R
THE MAN HUNTER (1980) - This is just plain bad and an insult to cannibals everywhere. Jess Franco (using his "Clifford Brown" pseudonym) poorly directs this tale of kidnapping and cannibalism. When a famous model (Ursula Buchfellner) is kidnapped for six million dollars, she is kept at an island where a 7 foot tall black cannibal zombie (with white ping pong ball eyes painted with red veins!) is given women for him to eat as a sacrifice from a local tribe (which contain white as well as black tribesmen and women!). The model's father sends Peter (Al Cliver) with the ransom to rescue her. What follows is the usual Franco slow pacing, lens-zooming, headache-inducing atrocity with some gore effects and copious nudity thrown in. It looks like the version I watched was cut, but Franco is known for adding hardcore scenes to his films for different countries and territories. Even if this film did contain hardcore footage, it would still suck (get your mind out of the gutter!). Also starring Robert Foster, Werner Pochath, Gisela Hahn and Burt Altman as the zombie. Also known as DEVIL HUNTER and about a half-dozen other names. A Trans World Entertainment Home Video Release. Not Rated. Also available on DVD in an extremely bad transfer with VOODOO BLACK EXORCIST on TERROR TALES FROM THE HOOD VOL. 4.
MIAMI
HORROR (1985) -
An alien baby is created from cells found in a meteorite. Villain
John Ireland and his henchmen try to stop news reporter David Warbeck
from finding the baby and killing it, therefore saving all humanity.
This is a ridiculous horror/action film directed by Alberto De
Martino (THE TEMPTER -
1974) using his "Martin Herbert" nom-de-plume. I seem to be
watching a lot of Italian films lately and they are beginning to get
on my nerves. This Florida-lensed fiasco contains bad action
choreography, very little blood or gore for the horror crowd and is a
stain on the reputations on both John Ireland (who is dubbed here)
and David Warbeck, both who are deceased. Also
starring Laura Trotter (CITY
OF THE WALKING DEAD - 1980), Lawrence (Loris) Loddi and
George Bonner. Originally titled MIAMI
GOLEM.
A Panther Entertainment
Home Video Release. Not Rated
SKULLDUGGERY
(1983) -
Stupid comedy/horror film about a Dungeons and Dragons-like game that
goes horribly wrong. Someone is beginning to take their game role
seriously and begins killing people in real life. This is really slow
going as we must discern if troubled player Thom Haverstock (TERROR
TRAIN - 1980) is the killer as everyone he knows seems to be
getting knocked-off in medieval ways: By sword, by crossbow, by mace,
etc. First and only-time director Ota Richter builds no suspense and
telegraphs the killings way before they happen. The comedy falls flat
as the players within a play have a hard time being funny as people
around them are getting iced. Co-star Wendy Crewson made a similar TV
movie called MAZES AND MONSTERS,
starring Tom Hanks, the year before. She is the most professional
actor in this film and , to this
day, enjoys a varied career in TV and films. Producer Peter Wittman
later directed the killer dog movie PLAY
DEAD (1984). Also starring David Calderisi as Dr. Evel. Not
to be confused with the Burt Reynolds 1969 film called SKULLDUGGERY.
A Video Treasures
Home Video Release. Not Rated
HOLLOW GATE (1988) - Early Richard Pepin/Joseph Merhi production made before they formed PM Productions, who made a slew of decent action and horror films during the 90's before disbanding in 2000. This one is a really bad horror film about psycho Mark Walters (Addison Randall of HARD VICE [1994]) killing a bunch of stupid teenagers at his huge country estate during Halloween Night while wearing various silly costumes (soldier, doctor, esquestrian, etc.). Though the killings are bloody, the storyline is so asinine, that you'll just shake your head in disbelief at some of the things these teenagers do. (Did I mention that they were stupid?). One-time director/writer Ray Di Zazzo offers nothing new to the slasher genre, just the same old tired retread you've seen a thousand times before. Did we really need this? Also starring Katrina Alexy, Richard Dry, J.J. Miller and Patricia Jacques. On-Screen title: HOLLOWGATE. A City Lights Home Video Release. Self-Imposed R Rating
GHOST
RIG (2002)
-
First the Scots gave us haggis, now they give us this steaming pile
of shit. A group of environmentalists land on a oil rig to tell the
world of their plight only to find it abandoned. There's a ghostly
presence on board which begins possessing the group one at a time
jumping from body to body, killing the last body as it possesses the
next. This is a slow,
uninvolving piece of supernatural trash which takes forever to get
going and then it crawls at a snail's pace. Director Julian Kean
seems to have no idea how to make a suspenseful film, with a minimal
amount of bloodshed and plenty of pat situations. Starring Jamie
Bamber, Jaason Simmons, Noel Fitzpatrick and Kerry Norton, some who
speak in a Scottish brogue so thick, that subtitles would have
helped. Also known as THE DEVIL'S TATTOO
(it makes sense if you are still awake at the end). An MTI
Home Video Release. R
REVENGE
(1986) - Sequel to the first mainstream shot-on-video turd BLOOD
CULT (1985) has the Duke's son Patrick Wayne investigating a
bunch of murders committed by a cult of who worship the dog god
Caninus. This is just plain bad as Patrick is as wooden as an oak
tree and the murders are bloody yet phony-looking and co-star John
Carradine looks like he is reading off of cue cards. There are some
interesting early video tricks on hand, but that doesn't detract from
the cheesiness of the entire project.
If it smells like dogshit, it probably is dogshit. Director
Christopher Lewis, son of late actress Loretta Young, drifted off
into obscurity after directing this, BLOOD CULT and the Tom
Savini-starrer THE RIPPER
(1985), another shot-on-video abomination. Believe it or not, REVENGE
even got a DVD release from VCI. Also available on video from United
Home Video. Not Rated
BLOOD
TRACKS (1985)
-
If it's one thing I can't stand it's films made in Sweden about a
clan of "mountain folk" who begin killing a group of
people, including the heavy metal group Easy Action (has anyone ever
heard of them?), who traveled there to film a rock video. Trapped by
an avalanche, one-by-one the group is slaughtered by decapitation,
strangulation, immolization, impalement and other nasty means. Most
of the actors are badly dubbed and the action and music are really lame.
Director Mike Jackson is actually director Mats Helge (NINJA
MISSION - 1984) using a pseudonym. It's easy to see why.
It's just plain bad. Stay away from Swedish horror films and just
stick to the Swedish women. Starring Jeff Harding, Michael
Fitzpatrick and Naomi Kaneda. Also known as HEAVY
METAL. A Vista Home Video Release. Not Rated
THE
SUCKLING (1990) - I should have known
by the York Home Video label (have they released anything good?) that
this film was going to stink. I was right; the stench is unbearable.
The story is about a group of unsavory people trapped in a
whorehouse/illegal abortion clinic who are attacked by a mutated
fetus who was flushed down the toilet and exposed to toxic chemicals.
All you'll find here is bad acting, cheap effects (get a load of the
sight of the mutated abortion and killer umbilical cord!), lousy
photography and boring exposition. Director Francis Teri thankfully
has never directed anything else, but has acted in FLESH
EATING MOTHERS (1989) and produced HEAD GAMES (1994).
The talentless actors here include Frank Reeves, Lisa Patruno and
Marie Michaels.
This is strictly bottom of the sewer entertainment, not even good
for a laugh when under the influence of a controlled substance. Take
my word for it. Also known as SEWAGE BABY.
A York Home Video
Release. Not Rated
DEVIL
RIDER (1989) - Whew? I've smelled
some bad things in my life, but nothing quite stinks like this
amateurish horror western. An unkillable cowboy in white (Tag Groat)
murders anyone who steps on his land. He is caught by a posse and is
hung, shot and left for dead. 100 years later he returns to kill a
bunch of grating tourists on a dude ranch that happens to be on the
Devil Rider's land. He proceeds to shoot, stab and strangle them
until only a couple are left. A man decapitates the Devil Rider with
a sword and everything seems back to normal. What do you think? This
film is strictly amateur hour both in front of and behind the camera.
The technical aspects of the film are below par and director Victor
Alexander (SURVIVAL - 1985) does absolutely nothing to
get the action moving along. It's just a boring piece of stinky
cheese that belongs in a damp cellar where it will hopefully stay for
eternity. Also starring Rick Groat, Deborah Norris, David Campbell
and Wayne Douglass who all need Lee Strasberg to rise from the grave
to give them acting lessons. Not to be confused with the 1970
biker flick with the same name. A Cineglobe Video Release. Not
Rated
SLEDGEHAMMER
(1984) - This shot-on-video disaster (actually pre-dating BLOOD
CULT by a full year) is only good if you want to see how
director David A. Prior and his actor/brother Ted Prior got their
start. It's auspicious to say the least. A bunch of partying
boozehounds go to a house where a boy killed his mother years before
with a sledgehammer (How can a little boy swing a sledgehammer?). The
boy is now grown up (and possibly a ghost as he disappears and
reappears at will) and begins to dispatch the group one by one. Badly
done on all counts, including terrible acting, poor videography,
outright bad effects (by an outfit called Blood & Guts) and a
general sense that you've seen this type of film a thousand times
before. Made for $40,000 and it looks it. David Prior has directed a
string of horror and action films, the best probably being THE
LOST PLATOON (1989), a mixture of vampire and war genres. SLEDGEHAMMER
also stars Linda McGill, John Eastman, Jeanine Scheer, Tim Aguilar
and Doug Matlef as the killer. This
puppy is long OOP and was released on the World
Video Pictures label. Believe it or not, this atrocious film got
a legitimate DVD release from InterVision
Picture Corp., an offshoot label of Severin
Films (which they must consider their own dirty little secret,
since no mention of Severin is made on any of their advertising
materials and early press materials made mention of the life and
death of InterVision owner "Larry Gold", who never existed
in real life, causing a mini-controversy to people with no sense of
humor). Not Rated
MAXIM
XUL (1990)
- Can someone please tell me what all this was about? This
confusing amateurish supernatural police thriller concerns some
unknown presence that goes around bashing in the heads of various
unsuspecting people walking the streets. You know you're in trouble
when Adam West is the main star of the film. Here he plays Professor
Marduk, who is looking for a way to kill this Demon from Hell. In the
finale, West uses an ancient sword and mace to dispatch it. To get to
the finale, you have to put up with some of the worst acting and
sound recording that my ears have had to put up with for quite a
while. Director
Arthur Egeli has neither an eye or ear for this type of material as
the action scenes are static and the staging of some of the other
scenes is awkward to say the least. There are good badfilms and bad
badfilms. MAXIM XUL falls
into the latter category. There are some decent gore shots
though. Also starring Jefferson Leinberger, Mary Schaeffer and
Hal Strieb. A Magnum
Entertainment H.V. Release. Not Rated
THE JAR (1984) - The first rule in making a horror film: Make sure it's not dull. I guess director Bruce Toscano threw that bit of wisdom out the window and decided to make an artsy-fartsy horror film full of weird camera angles, minimalist acting and deadly-dull pacing. Good samaritan Gary Wallace picks up a hurt stranger who gives him a jar with some sort of mutant baby in it. This mutant baby begins to take over his life (One friend says: "You look like you've been worked over by Hell's Angels."), driving him slowly crazy. You'll go crazy too if you watch this film all the way through. Crazy from boredom. There's nothing in this film worth your time or effort. To see how a film of this type should be made, go to the review for THE ITEM (1998). A Magnum Entertainment H.V. Release. Not Rated
WACKO
(1981) -
Whacked-out director Greydon Clark tries to send-up horror movies
with disasterous results. You would think with a cast such as George
Kennedy, Stella Stevens, Joe Don Baker, Julia Duffy, Andrew
"Dice" Clay (doing his best John Travolta impersonation),
Charles Napier and Jeff Altman that Clark would come up with
something a little bit funny, but if you know Clark, you know what
you're in for: juvenile
and tasteless humor (which pushes way past it's PG Rating). A killer
in a pumpkin mask, known as the "Lawnmower Killer" goes
about slaughtering the friends of virginal Julia Duffy using his
custom lawnmower and other utensils. It's not funny and wastes the
talents of everyone involved. Stay away unless you have an intestinal
blockage. This will definitely loosen you up. A Vestron
Video Release. Rated
PG
ICE CRAWLERS (2002) - Boring combination of John Carpenter's THE THING (1982) and a first season episode of THE X-FILES (1993 - 2002). While drilling for oil in the thick ice of the Arctic, the crew accidentally releases a giant trilobyte (yes, that's right) which begins chowing down on the employees and a group of green researchers who have just arrived. The plot's absurd, the giant trilobyte is laughable and the acting is strictly routine. There's not much blood or gore (a mandate director John Carl Buechler was given by his German backers) so why bother? Thankfully, it's only 83 minutes long so it did not do too much damage to my system. Starring Goetz Otto, David Millbern, Alexandra Kemp, David Lenneman and Brad Sergi. The end credits list the film's original title as DEEP FREEZE. A New Concorde DVD Release. Rated R
BACKWOODS
(1986) - A geek is chasing a couple through the woods in this bad
regional horror film (made in Indiana). It takes
forever for the film to pick up steam and, when it does, it fumbles
the ball at every turn. Director Dean Crow looks like he studied all
the FRIDAY THE 13TH
films and made this one on a dare. The only good thing about this
film is Jack O'Hara's portrayal as William the Geek. He's a drooling,
chicken-head-bitin' terror who is unfortunately given very little to
do. The "surprise" ending is a hoot, though. Skip this one
and watch LUTHER THE GEEK
instead. You'll thank me later. Also starring Christina Noonan, Dick
Kreussler and Brad Armacot. Originally titled GEEK.
A Cinema Group HV Release. Rated R
NIGHT
VISION (1987) - Let me first
state that I would rather stick my head up the ass of an elephant
with diarrhea that have to sit through this crappy film again. This
101 minute exercise in tedium concerns a Kansas-born writer (Stacy
Carson) who moves to Los Angeles (actually filmed in Denver) to get
his big break. What he gets instead is a haunted videotape that makes
everything he writes to actually happen in real life. If this sounds
interesting, I'm sorry. It's quite the opposite. It's badly acted,
written, photographed
and the pacing is slower than a snail with hemorrhoids. I could go
on praising the badness of this film but I would be doing the world a
big disservice. It's a 10 minute short film stretched to feature film
length. Directed blandly by Michael Krueger (MIND
KILLER - 1987). Also starring Shirley Ross, Tony Carpenter
and Ellie Martins. A Prism
Entertainment HV Release. Not
Rated
BLOODMOON
(1989) -
Hey, if you're idea of watching a good film is seeing teenagers
killed with a barb wire noose while having sex in Lover's Lane, than
this Australian horror film with a religious subtext is for you. But,
if you like films with a little more than sex, death and Catholicism
at an all-girls school, look somewhere else. The killer is easier to
spot than a two dollar whore and the violence is not at all that
bloody or interesting. This one came late in the stalk-and-slash
genre and it offers nothing
new for the discriminating viewer. Directed by Alec Mills (DEAD
SLEEP - 1990), who hasn't got a clue how to handle the
suspense. At least he didn't make the police chief an idiot. This cop
has brains, which most films of this type seem to forget. Starring
Leon Lissek, Christine Amor, Ian Williams and Helen Thomson. A Live
HV Release. Also available on DVD from Artisan
Home Entertainment.. Rated R
PROJECT
NIGHTMARE (1985) -
I'm a big fan of director Donald Jones (DEADLY
SUNDAY
- 1982; MURDERLUST
- 1986; HOUSEWIFE FROM HELL
- 1993), but even he can have an off day. This is his. This is
basically a three character play about two strangers who are trying
to escape from something that's chasing them (it's only shown as a
bright red light) and end up at the house of a woman. Things that
seem real are not and no matter where the two men go they end up
going nowhere. It
all has to do with some secret government thought control program
preparing people for space flight. It doesn't make any sense.This is
one of the most boring films to come along in quite a while and it's
filmed very cheaply using early computer effects to try and dazzle
us. It only looks dated now. Starring Charles Miller, Seth Foster and
Elly Koslo. An Academy
Home Entertainment Release. Rated R, but there's nothing
here to warrant it.
ALIEN
SEED (1989) - This plays like a
poor episode of THE X-FILES,
even though it was made about 4 years before the TV series
premiered. A strip club waitress (Heidi Paine) works with a writer of
UFO books (Steven Blade) to find out why her sister was killed after
being abducted by aliens. The plot concerns MJ-12, a secret
organization working with the aliens to produce a baby who will be
the next "messiah". Erik Estrada (who is also Associate
Producer) plays a rogue scientist who will do anything to stop this
baby from being born. Filled with lame action sequences, retarded
acting and a plot that leads
nowhere. Filmed in Colorado by director Bob James (who thankfully
hasn't directed anything since this). I've seen worse films, but this
one feeds off the bottom of the barrel. An A.I.P.
Home Video Release. Also available on DVD from Image
Entertainment. Not
Rated
THE
ALPHA INCIDENT (1977) -
This Bill Rebane
directed talkfest is at least better than his INVASION
FROM INNER EARTH
but still has a long way to go before it can be called entertainment.
When train conductor George
"Buck" Flower accidentally exposes himself to a
Mars-made biological organism, he infects the people at the next
train stop. If you fall asleep, the germ causes your head to swell up
and pop out your brains and eyes. This happens only once: to
introverted Station Master Ralph Meeker (we only view the carnage
fleetingly as it is rated PG, but the effect is bloody). The
doctor that is protecting the germ (Stafford Morgan) learns that he
is immune to it but, true to 70's convention, gets blown away at the
end by the Government trying to cover it up. Another woman (Carol
Irene Newell) commits suicide by blowing her brains out in a car and
ladies man John Goff takes a cyanide pill rather than suffering the
effects of the germ. If this sounds interesting, I'm sorry, because
it talks itself to death. The people endlessly bicker and it takes
forever for anything to happen. When it does, it is in the final 5
minutes. I like Rebane as he seems
like a genuinely nice person, but he made some of the most boring or
campy films of the 70's (think THE
GIANT SPIDER INVASION - 1975). His later work in the 80's is
much more interesting, such as THE GAME
(1982) and BLOOD HARVEST
(1985). A Media
Home Entertainment Release. Rated PG
NIGHTFLYERS
(1987) - Awful space opera about a bunch of scientists who board
a spacecraft called the "Nightflyer" in search of an alien
intelligence and are systematically killed one-by-one. It seems that
the ship is alive, controlled by a computer whose brain is that of
the long dead female captain who does not want her love-slave clone
(Michael Praed) to leave the ship with head scientist Catherine Mary
Stewart. The only interesting part of this film is when telepath
Michael Des Barres has his head lasered-off at the jaw line. Director
Robert Collector (RED HEAT -
1985) was so ashamed of this film that he used the
name "T.C. Blake" in the credits. Good move. This actually
got a theatrical release! Also starring Lisa Blount, John Standing,
Annabel Brooks and James Avery. Based on a series of novels by George
R.R. Martin (HBO's GAME
OF THRONES) An I.V.E. Home Video Release. Rated R
DEATH
MAGIC
(1992) - A
third rate theatrical group called The Domino Theatre made and stars
in this truly awful supernatural gore film. A group of magicians
raise Major Aaron Parker (Jack Dunlap) from the dead. Major Parker
was hanged in the mid 1800's for killing innocent civilians and
Indians. He's on a killing spree again, slicing and dicing the
magicians until they spout enormous amounts of blood from their
wounds. The surviving magicians turn to their mentor Donald Graham
(Norman Stone) to help them defeat Major Parker. It all backfires as
Parker kills the remaining magicians and the police shoot and kill
Graham thinking that he is responsible for the slaughter. This film
would try the patience of Helen Keller. It's horribly acted, the only
good-looking girl is the first one killed, the effects are over-the
top (the blood doesn't spurt, it gushes like a waterfall) and it
looks like it was filmed on short ends as the quality of the film
varies from scene to scene. On a scale of 1 to 10, this one gets a
-8. Also starring (if you can call
it that) Anne Caffrey, Keith DeGreen and Danielle Frons. A Domino
Theatre Home Video Release. Unrated
NECROPOLIS (1986)
- Lamebrained
horror film set in the swinging 1980's-era New York City, where
everyone did drugs or shacked-up with the first person they met.
Enter Eva (LeeAnne Baker), a witch who was killed 300 years earlier
vowing to kill all her killer's decendants. She revives her ghoulish
coven (makeup by Ed French) and looks for a ring that will give her
and her coven immortality. Meanwhile, a cop (Michael Conte) and a
psychic (Jacqiue Fitz), both decendants of the witch-killing group,
try to figure out why people are mysteriously dying as Eva has the
ability to have people take their own lives. Director/writer Bruce
Hickey ladles on the stereotypes (the gay coroner, the horny cop, the
drug-addled junkie, the wise-assed prostitute) as well as terrible
acting, synth music and a general air of sleaziness. Normally that
would be a good thing, but this film just falls flat. Notable only
for the scene where Eva sprouts six breasts and her zombie coven
suckle them for substanance. Otherwise, this film
just sucks. Produced by Cynthia De Paula and Tim Kincaid (BREEDERS
- 1986, MUTANT HUNT -
1987). Look for two shots of the World Trade Center at the beginning
and end of the film. A Lightning
Video VHS Release. Available on DVD
as part of Full Moon's
"Grindhouse Collection" (which basically means it has not
been remastered and was probably taken from 1" tape masters). Rated
R
ROBOT
HOLOCAUST (1986) - This is one
of director Tim Kincaid's slew of sci-fi/horror films (see review
above) he made during the mid-80's while taking a break from making
gay porn under the name "Joe Gage" (which he still does up
to this day). It's also his worst. Supposedly taking place in the
future (the Twin Towers are in the background, but how was he to
know?), a robot dictator controls the air of his human subjects. A
warrior named Neo (Norris Culf), along with a rag-tag band of
fighters (and a cheap C-3PO knock-off), are out to save a scientist
who can clean up the air and save mankind. Badly-staged fights,
stilted dialogue, monotonic acting, hand puppet snake monsters (with
buck teeth!) and a total of about three robots make up this film,
whick looks like it was filmed mainly in some industrial boiler room
and a garbage dump just outside New York City. Sprinkled with a
little nudity and some gore (again supplied by Ed French, who must
have owed Kincaid a very big favor), this film can be best described
as about as exciting as watching 80 minutes of static. Also starring
Nadine Hart, Jennifer Delora, Rick Gianasi, Joel Van Ornsteiner and
Andrew Howarth. A
Wizard Video
Release. Not Rated
THE
DARK SIDE OF MIDNIGHT (1984) -
Vanity production for director/producer/screenwriter/star Wes Olsen.
Olsen stars as private detective Brock Johnson, who is brought onto a
serial killing case by Police Chief Cooper (James Moore). It seems
that the Detroit Creeper (Dan Myers) has moved into town and is
beginning to kill teenage girls and young boys (by slitting their
throats). Political intrigue abounds as the Mayor (Dave Bowling)
would like to cover up the murders because he has a backdoor deal to
have a new university to be built in his town. He tries everything in
his arsenal to sabotage the Chief and Brock. Filled with terrible
acting, flubbed lines, a droning synthesizer score and too little
gore, this film belongs in the trash bin and not on the video bins.
Running at 90 minutes, this film is at least 30 minutes too long as
the film is padded with endless talking scenes which leads nowhere.
Also known as THE CREEPER
(released by Dura Vision in terrible condition with sound so tinny
you would swear you had a can over your ears). If you must see this
turd, try to find the version released by Prism
Entertainment. It's at least clean and the sound is bearable if
that type of thing matters to you. I had to watch it twice. Please
pity me. Also starring Sandy Schemmel as the Chief's daughter and
Brock's love interest. Troma had a hand in releasing this, so that
may tell you something. Rated R
THE
DIVIDING HOUR (1998) - Roger
Ebert says on the DVD cover that "It sneaks up on you". It
sure does, just like a case of deja vu. Four bank robbers crash their
car on a deserted stretch of road and are picked up by a mysterious
driver and delivered to a house occupied by a mysterious woman and
her deaf-mute father. It's all a rather boring affair which rips-off CARNIVAL
OF SOULS (1962), THE LEGACY
(1979) and many other films as they all died during the accident and
two of them must go through the doorway to darkness and the other two
must go through the doorway of light. When one of them tries to
escape every road he takes leads back to the house. There's also a
refrigerator that can make objects appear and disappear, a
pot-smoking rant on why Bugs Bunny will pay in the afterlife (!), a
nasty rape and shadow people who refuse to admit that they are dead.
This "Newly Mastered" DVD edition (which touts it's 10 year
anniversary even though it was released in 2003), shot in Hi-8,
leaves a lot to be desired. It's badly washed-out, the sound is
terrible (except in the newly-created opening and closing credits),
and Director/Star Mike Prosser needed to inject some much-needed
energy into the proceedings. What we have here is a slow-moving,
talky snoozefest that only livens-up during the final 10 minutes.
There's some stop-motion effects (provided by Webster Colcord), but
very little else.
Also starring Brian Prosser, Brad Goodman and Greg James. An
IndieDVD Release. Not Rated
THE
LUCIFER COMPLEX (1978)
- Terrible mish-mash of a futuristic man in a cave with computer
equipment, who in voiceover narration tells us the story of Earth's
terrible history, from World War II to the "Great War of
1986". We have to put up with over 20 minutes of various
archival footage of war atrocities and hippie music until we get to
the main plot. A secret agent (Robert Vaughn) in 1986 stumbles onto a
Nazi plot ("The Fourth Reich") to clone the world's leaders
and replace them with the real ones. He teams up with a bunch of
women prisoners to foil the plot. Believe me, it's ridiculous as it
sounds. Directed by both David L. Hewitt (THE
TORMENTERS - 1971) and Kenneth Hartford (MONSTER
- 1979), with one handling the cave footage and the other handling
the main plot (James T. Flocker [GHOSTS
THAT STILL WALK - 1977] also did some minor directorial
touches). Apparently, the film was either unfinished or too short to
release as a feature, so the cave footage was tacked-on to make it
releasable. Hitler makes a cameo at the finale and there's also a
"surprise" ending. You'll be sound asleep long before Der
Fuhrer makes his appearance and the film closes shop. A complete
waste of celluloid. Also starring Aldo Ray, Keenan Wynn, Leo Gordon
and Merrie Lynn Ross. A United
Home Video Release. Not Rated, but there's nothing here
that goes beyond the PG limit. It's films like
this that give Nazis a bad name. (It's a joke. Quit being so
politically correct!)
THE SPECTRE OF EDGAR ALLAN POE (1972) - This slow and uninvolving fictional tale of Poe (Robert Walker Jr., who sleepwalks through the role) saving his beloved Lenore (Mary Grover) from being buried alive. She goes catatonic and her hair turns white so Poe has her committed to an asylum run by the sinister Dr. Grimaldi (Cesar Romero). Poe takes an interest in the condition called madness and asks Dr. Grimaldi if he can do some research at the asylum. Soon Poe is ass-deep in trouble as he is tortured and submitted to various degradations. The only problem is that no one will believe him except for his friend Dr. Forrest (Thomas Drake) and soon they embark on a journey to find out just what Dr. Grimaldi is actually up to (HINT: It involves bringing the dead back to life). Directed, produced and written by one-shot wonder Mohy Quandour without an ounce of pacing, thrills or blood. In fact, the bloodiest thing seems to be the image on the video box since it and most of the gore was trimmed to get a PG rating. This is a lame attempt of trying to tell how Poe came up with his macabre stories. This one one of those films that I have been trying to get a hold of for nearly 30 years since reading about it in some long-forgotten monster mag. I finally managed to pick it up on eBay. Oh well, another wish shot to hell. THE SPECTRE OF EDGAR ALLAN POE is also actress Carol Ohmart's (THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL - 1959) last film. Also with a cameo by the late Dennis Fimple (HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES - 2002). A Unicorn Video Release which is long OOP. Rated PG
BEYOND
THE DOOR III (1989) - Really
awful possession film, that switches gears about 30 minutes into it
to become a runaway
(and possessed) train movie (it was originally called AMOK
TRAIN). Virgin Beverly (Mary Kohnert) and her college class
travel to some unknown Slavik country (actually filmed in Yugoslavia)
and meet "The Professor" (a badly-accented Bo Svenson), who
takes them on a field trip to some remote town. When the townspeople
try to kill Beverly's classmates, they hightail it out of town and
jump aboard a train. The train becomes possessed and traps the
students on board. For the next 60 minutes we are witness to the
train (and a possessed Beverly) killing the people on board the
train, by impalement, sliced in half under the wheels of the train,
infested by maggots and other pleasantries. The only problem is that
most of the gore was trimmed for it's US release and we never really
get to see most of the juicy stuff. It all turns out that Beverly the
virgin is to be the bride of Satan as the train makes its way back to
the remote town and the Professor and the townspeople offer Beverly
to Satan. Beverly has one trick left up her sleeve which really
pisses off Satan. Director Jeff Kwitny (ICED
- 1988) offers nothing new to the genre in this Italian-financed film
(which has nothing to do with Part 1
or 2). Without the gore
scenes there's nothing much to offer here except for one delirious
scene where the train jumps the tracks just to kill two of the
students (who escaped the train) who are in a boat in the middle of a
river! Otherwise, it's just a poor excuse to show off model trains
and a lot of subtitles. Also starring William Geiger, Savina Gersak,
Ron Williams, Sarah Conway Ciminera and Renee Rancourt. A Columbia
Pictures Home Video VHS Release. Available uncut and Not Rated (as AMOK
TRAIN) on DVD by Shriek
Show. If you must watch this film, the DVD is really the only
way to do so, because it restores all the gore missing on the VHS.
The VHS version is Rated R
DEAD
DUDES IN THE HOUSE (1988) - The
folks at Troma took an obscure stalk and slash film (originally
titled THE DEAD
COME HOME and also released on video as THE
HOUSE ON TOMBSTONE HILL), gave it this ridiculous title (The
New Kids On The Block were big at the time) and unleashed it to an
unsuspecting public. A group of obnoxious teens (are there any other
type in films like this?) go to a remote house in hope of fixing it
up and living there. They find a tombstone in the back yard and,
being the smart upstanding citizens that they are, break it in half
and unleash a ghostly old woman (actually a man in old woman makeup)
who traps them in the house. She begins killing them one-by-one and
they in turn come back to life as zombies and begin to also kill
their remaining living friends. If it weren't for some of the grisly
murders, I would have turned this fiasco off long before it ended.
Theres a guy who gets his hands cut off and then impaled on a pipe,
various knifings and other impalements and a man has his body cut in
half by a falling window. The dialogue verges on the hysterical
(although I doubt it was meant to be so) and the acting consists of
everyone screaming out their lines as if the person next to them was
deaf. Director James Riffel give the film the old college try but
mostly comes up with an F in almost all departments. The only saving
grace are the bloody effects by Ed French. Troma sells this film on
DVD in a 3 pack, along with Joseph Merhi's THE
NEWLYDEADS and SPACE
ZOMBIE BINGO. They all look like they were mastered from
video. Thank god I only paid $9.99 for the set. Distributed by
Brentwood Home Video. Not Rated
ALIEN
WARRIOR (1985) - Truly wretched
piece of action/fantasy crap, originally titled KING
OF THE STREETS. To prove
he will be a great leader, alien humanoid Buddy (Brett Clark) is
sent to Earth to fight a "great evil". He comes to Earth
nude (ala THE TERMINATOR -
1984) and is given clothes by a bum (who will help him later on). He
breaks up the rape of Laura (Pamela Saunders) by a bunch of Chicano
punks (by using martial arts he learned by watching a class a few
minutes earlier!) and soon they become friends and then lovers. The
"great evil" turns out to be the local pimp/dope peddler
called Mr. One (Reggie De Morton), who has the police in his pocket
and kills anyone who gets in his way. Laura runs a youth center and
soon she and Buddy (who has precognitive powers) are converting the
local teens (including the Chicanos who tried to rape her!) into
taking back the streets for the good of the community. This leads to
a climatic shootout where Buddy seemingly dies and goes back to his
home planet, where he is deemed suitable enough to be the leader.
This is mind-boggling stuff folks, as we are witness to multiple
accounts of nudity, gun and knife fights, kung-fu, break dancing and
other pieces of priceless dialogue (When Buddy asks a Black kid if he
wants a ride, he says: "If you try any of that faggot stuff,
I'll cut your balls off!"), all of it done badly (I'm talking Ed
Wood bad here.). Director Edward Hunt has given us such trash as STARSHIP
INVASIONS (1977), good films such as BLOODY
BIRTHDAY (1980) and just plain strange ones like THE
BRAIN (1987), but none other quite as bad and outrageous as
this one. You'll just have to watch it for yourself to see what I
mean. Are you brave (and stupid) enough? Also starring Nelson
Anderson, Norman Budd and Arturo Bonilla. A Vestron
Video Release. Rated R
FINAL
EXAMINATION (2002) - Fred
Olen Ray is getting lazy. He used to turn out somewhat entertaining
horror and
sexploitation films during the 80's & 90's, but now it's like
he's not even trying. Using his "Ed Raymond" pseudonym, he
tells the tale of tainted detective Shane (Brent Huff) who is made to
move from L.A. to Hawaii by his boss (Jay Richardson, who plays
"Captain Hugh Janus". Who can take this seriously?). While
in Hawaii, Shane uncovers a series of murders being committed at a 5
year reunion of what looks like Hawaiian Tropic models. Someone is
strangling and stabbing the models and with the help of Kari Wuhrer (KING
OF THE ANTS - 2004), Shane must try to stop the killings.
The script (if you can call it that) is filled with all the typical
Fred Olen Ray modern material: Women taking their clothes off, women
taking showers, women swimming in pools with tiny bikinis.
Unfortunately, the murder mystery is a bust as anyone, including a
blind man, can spot the murderer(s) early on and the film is padded
with action scenes cribbed from "A" films (including a
chase scene from the Sylvester Stallone version of GET
CARTER [2000]). This seems like an excuse for Fred to make a
film while he was on vacation in Hawaii so he could write the whole
thing off as a tax shelter. His accountants must love him. A waste of
film and a waste of your time. Also starring Debbie Rochon, Richard
Gabai, Robert Donovan and Jen Nikolaisen. An Artisan
Entertainment Release. Rated R
LORDS
OF THE DEEP (1989) - During the
year 1989 there was a genre of horror films which were set in underwater
labs while being attacked by aliens. James Cameron is best known for
the first one, THE ABYSS,
probably the best of the bunch. LEVIATHAN
(directed by George P Cosmatos, who passed away in April of 2005) and DEEP
STAR SIX (directed by Sean S. Cunningham) soon followed and
were much bloodier. Not to be outdone, producer Roger Corman
unleashed this turd the same year. It's an ecological thriller about
underwater scientist Claire McDowell (Pricilla Barnes) who makes
contact with an alien species who want to teach humans how not to
destroy their planet. This does not sit too well with Commander
Dobler (Bradford Dillman), who is ordered by his boss (Roger Corman
in a cameo) to kill McDowall and destroy the aliens. It all moves
very slowly for it's scant 78 minutes and ends with Dillman meeting
his end during an underwater earthquake while the heroes are saved by
the aliens. Director Mary Ann Fisher (her only directorial effort but
she has produced many of Corman's films) isn't given much of a script
to work with (courtesy of Howard R. Cohen and Daryl Haney, who also
co-stars) and the sets and effects are basically leftovers from the
countless Concorde films made since the early 80's. Since the film is
rated PG-13, there's also no room for blood and gore, except for a
shot of an oozing body and people being deprived of oxygen. Don't
waste your time with this one unless you want to make 78 minutes last
a very loooong time. Also starring Melody Ryane and Eb Lottimer. All
the characters have the last names of NY Mets players at the time. An
MGM/UA Home Video Release. Rated PG-13
DR.
JEKYLL'S DUNGEON OF DEATH (1979)
- Truly awful film about the sadistic great-grandson (screenwriter
James Mathers) of the infamous Dr. Jekyll, who performs illegal
experiments on criminals in his basement using a serum he has yet to
get right. The serum drives the person mad and impervious to pain and
Dr. Jekyll glees in watching the two people beat themselves to death.
He keeps a woman named Julia (Dawn Carver Kelly) tied up in his
bedroom while he tries to convince her father (John F. Kearney) to
help him perfect the serum. Filled with martial arts fights, implied
rape, beatings, a mute manservant (Tom Nickelson), cigarettes burns
and other mayhem, yet the film is as dull as a butterknife. Maybe
that's because there's no blood, nudity and the martial arts fights
are violent yet no one seems to bleed. Director James Wood has
thankfully stayed away from the camera since he made this piece of
trash. Mathers overacts to the point that the film becomes high camp
and his freak-out at the end goes way over the top. This film is
known under a myriad of titles, including DR.
JEKYLL'S DUNGEON OF DARKNESS, THE
DUNGEON and THE
JEKYLL
EXPERIMENT.
I have yet to see a version of this film that is not so grainy as to
be unwatchable. Maybe that's a good thing. Filmed in San Francisco. A Genesis
Home Video Release. Rated R
SLAUGHTER
STUDIOS (2002) - Absolute
crap about a low budget video crew shooting a movie on a
long-abandoned studio lot where a murder occurred years earlier.
Before you can say, "Bimbos taking their clothes off", the
crew and actors are being bumped off by some unseen killer. Director
Brian Katkin (who directed the halfway-decent SHAKEDOWN
the same year) lets screenwriters Dan Acre and John Huckert fill the
plot with improbable situations, lunk-headed decisions and outright
stupid motives for letting the actors doing the things that they do.
Since Roger Corman retired from the business, New Concorde Films have
taken a nosedive for the worse. There's no reason for anybody to
watch this film except if you want to see naked girls, bad acting and
a little gore. The discovery of the killer in the finale is a hoot,
though. Starring Peter Stanovich, Amy Shelton-White, Nicolas Read,
Allen Scotti and Andrew Craig. Made on a small budget and it shows. A
New Concorde Video Release. Rated R
LITTLE DEVILS: THE BIRTH (1993) - It's hard to believe that George Pavlou, who directed one of my favorite guilty pleasures, RAWHEAD REX (1986), made this stinker horror/comedy. A sculptor (Wayne McNamara) finds a special clay in a crypt in a graveyard and begins making little gargoyle statues with it. They come to life and begin killing people with flame throwers, machine guns and crossbows, including an alley of bums tended to by kindly doctor Russ Tamblyn. Porn writer Marc Price (Skippy on TV's FAMILY TIES [1982 - 1989]) and stripper Nancy Valen (not "Nancy Allen" as it says on the video box) slowly discover McNamara's secret and must find a way to destroy the little creatures with the help of the doctor. You'll never guess what destroys them: Soda! You'll cringe at the lame jokes and poor special effects (which look like rejects from the GHOULIES franchise). The only good thing about the film is landlady Stella Stevens, a neat-freak who gets turned-on by Price's porn writings and tries to seduce him by wearing leather S & M gear. She still had a great body (age 57 at the time) and is the only bright spot in an otherwise overlong (102 minutes) and boring affair. Too bad she dies halfway through the film. This little-seen turd was released by Malofilm Video and is Not Rated, although there is nothing here that goes beyond an R rating.
CHOKING
HAZARD (2004) - I'm really
beginning to hate horror comedies, especially zombie horror comedies.
This Czech Republic
film, which is English subtitled, is totally unfunny and mean-spirited.
While it may play well in the European sector, much of the humor
will be lost on English-speaking viewers. A group of students gather
at a secluded hotel in the middle of the woods to discuss the meaning
of life with a blind, pretentious professor (Jaroslav Dusek). Out of
nowhere, a bunch of zombie woodsmen (You can tell they are woodsmen
by the feather in their hats. It must be a local thing.) attack the
group and one-by-one they are picked off and eaten by the hungry
horde. A second wave of much smarter zombies (who know kung-fu and
wear dark sunglasses!) then appear to finish off the group. If this
seems pretty thin, it is. The humor, as it stands, contains one scene
where after a couple make love and have a spat, she says: "Eat
me!" The male then says: "I already have. The taste is
highly overrated." Add breakdancing zombies, buckets of grue, a
porn actor who also happens to be a Jehovah Witness and a plot that
makes no sense and what you get is an unsatisfying brew of
existential comedy, dialogue which would make a real college
professor cringe and an ending and beginning that make no sense to
the rest of the movie. It's also left wide open for a sequel. I won't
be watching it. This was a long 84 minutes! Directed by Marek
Dobes and also starring Jan Dolansky, Eva Nadazdyova, Anna Fialkova,
Kamil Svejda and Eva Janouskova. Released jointly by Fangoria
International and Media Blasters.
Not Rated. Watch SHAUN
OF THE DEAD (2004) or RETURN
OF THE LIVING DEAD (1985) instead, if you want to watch
really funny zombie comedies.
REPO
JAKE (1990) -
First off, let me preface this review with a personal note: William
Wilson, you bastard! You
knew if you sent this to me that I would be obligated to watch it. I
did. I hate you. Now, on with the review. This film is merely a
series of vignettes, as Jake (Dan Haggerty) comes from a midwestern
town to L.A. in hopes of making $65,000 to save his business back
home. He joins a repo company and begins taking the tough jobs that
no one else can seem to handle. He repo's cars, a helicopter and
helps one of the gang in entering a race called the "Slam
Track". He also helps a woman named Jenny (Dana Bently) get her
purse back from a snatcher and they begin to have a relationship.
When Jake repo's a gangster's car, the tough guy threatens Jake and
Jenny and forces Jake to enter the Slam Track and win, otherwise he
will kill them both. Needless to say, everything turns out for the
best. I'm still amazed that Dan Haggerty is still considered an
actor. He's as stiff as a board and has the emotional range of an oak
tree, yet he has appeared in so many films (I just recently saw him
in BURY ME AN ANGEL -
1971 and NIGHT WARS
- 1987), not to mention his Grizzly Adams TV series character. I just
have to wonder what alternative universe he stepped off of to get
these jobs. This Joseph Merhi-directed film is filled with
unbelievable situations (Like: Why did Jake stop short of winning the
Slam Track? He let everyone down including all his teammates and
himself. What a selfish oaf! Yet, in the end, everyone still loves
him!), bad comedy and awkward action (some scenes look like they were
lifted from other films). This is an early PM Production film where
Merhi was just beginning to get his action chops, as he would later
direct the much-superior RAGE
(1995), starring Gary Daniels. Also starring Steve Hansbourgh, Paul
Hayes, Steve Wilcox, Robert Axelrod, Jim Williams, Stacy Lipton and
Carmen Filpi. A PM Entertainment Release. Not
Rated.
Watch REPO MAN (1984) instead.
THE
LAUGHING DEAD (1989) - This film
only proves one addage: Stick to what you know best. This is the
directorial debut of
science fiction/horror writer S.P. Somtow (real name: Somtow
Sucharitkul) and it's a marginal comedy/horror film at it's best and
downright terrible at it's worst. Father O'Sullivan (Tim Sullivan),
who has lost his faith, leads a bunch of headache-inducing characters
on a bus trip down to Mexico for All Souls Day, the only day of the
year when the dead can freely walk the earth. On the bus are a
married couple who are into trancendental meditation, a cranky male
duo who never agree on anything and a former nun and her son, who
Father O'Sullivan had an affair with years earlier. Can you guess
whose son he is? The mish-mash of a story finds local Dr. Um-tzec
(played by Somtow), who likes to cut the hearts out of children while
lamenting on how he wishes he was a stock broker on Wall Street,
replacing Father O'Sullivan's heart with an evil one in hopes of
getting him to sacrifice his son. Along the way, everyone gets
trapped in the town and murdered in various bloody ways (courtesy of
John Carl Buechler and MMI). One man is decapitated as his head flies
through the air and lands in a basketball net. Another has his arm
ripped off and shoved down his mouth, the fingers protruding through
his neck. The acting is strictly amateur hour (various writers and
horror enthusiasts, including Forrest J. Ackerman, play corpses and
zombies), the pace is slower than a snail with hemmoroids and the
ending is just downright ridiculous (something about playing
basketball against the zombies to save the kid's soul). Somtow
directed one other film after THE
LAUGHING DEAD: an obscure take on Shakespeare's A
Midsummer's Night Dream called ILL MET BY MOONLIGHT (1994)
that takes place in alleyways and dumpsters. While THE
LAUGHING DEAD is very gory in spots, the lame acting and
non-linear plot (also written by Somtow) do it in. Also starring
Wendy Webb, Premika Eaton, Billy Silver, Patrick Roskowick, Edward
Bryant, Krista Keim and Larry Kagan. A Vee Video Release in English
with Thai subtitles. Not Rated.
CAGED
TERROR (1971) - Imagine
if you will that there's a film out in circulation that's guaranteed
to put even the worst
insomniac to sleep. Fear no more. Here it is! Originally saddled with
the title GOLDEN APPLES OF THE SUN (what the fuck?), this
snoozer tells the story of businessman Richard (Percy Harkness)
taking uptight secretary Janet (Elizabeth Suzuki) out for a weekend
in the woods. For nearly a hour they fish, go skinny dipping, frolic
naked between the trees and make love while talking about the meaning
of life and the violence that comes with it. Janet complains when
Richard kills fish and shoots a rabbit, but has no problem stripping
naked and making love to the guy while he smears the rabbit's blood
all over her!. Things turn a little sour when Vietnam vets Jarvis
(Leon Morenzie) and Troubadour (Derek Lamb) show up and tell Richard
that they are staying in their cabin. Later that night Richard takes
a shot at them and they retaliate by tying up Richard in a giant
chicken coop while Jarvis rapes Janet in front of Richard ("No!
No! No!......No!") while Troubadour plays a song on his guitar.
Janet begins to like it and the film ends with Janet saying goodbye
to Jarvis and Troubadour as she walks back to Richard to untie him.
Turns out that Richard was the worst of the bunch. The End. Knowing
that they had a stinker on their hands, New World Pictures retitled
the film for video release and advertised it as an
"Action/Thriller". It's neither, just a four
character piece of crap that probably enraged all the renters in the
80's who picked up this thing thinking that it was in the vein of LAST
HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972). It's more like watching some chick
flick with full frontal nudity and nothing else to recommend for it.
This Canadian-made piece of crap was directed by Barrie Angus McLean,
who would later go on to produce a bunch of award-winning animation
shorts for the National Film Board of Canada. A New
World Video Release. Not Rated.
RUSH
WEEK (1989) - "Wake up,
this is real life, not some stupid horror movie!" This has
to be one of the lamest R-rated horror films of all times. There's
practically no blood (even a decapitation at the end is neat and
clean), the masked killer can be identified within the first ten
minutes (SPOILER: It's Roy Thinnes.)
and the plot can best be described as your typical college
fraternity party gone bad. If it wasn't for the pornography subplot,
I would have turned this sucker off long before it ended. Someone
wearing a cheap rubber mask and cape is killing the college students
during Rush Week with an axe (the murders are never shown). Intrepid
college reporter Toni (Pamela Ludwig) digs further and finds out that
Dean Grail's (Thinnes) daughter was killed last year by some unknown
assailant, the case never solved. It all ties into the porno subplot
as some of the college girls are posing nude and receiving money to
put them through college. When Dean Grail found out that his daughter
was one of the models, he killed her and now is killing anyone who
poses for the photographer or gets in his way. This is below generic
stuff as there are long stretches of nothing and a tasteless bit of a
hooker having sex with a corpse. It's much less interesting than it
sounds. I had more fun cutting my toenails (and I cut one way too
short!). Directed by TV veteran Bob Bralver, whose only other
theatrical film was MIDNIGHT RIDE
(1990). He is better known as a stuntman. Also starring Dean
Hamilton, Courtney Gebhardt, Gregg Allman (as a stoned-out professor,
a real stretch) and Donald Grant. An RCA/Columbia Pictures Release. Rated
R (for nudity, surely not for violence). By the way, my toe
still hurts, but it still feels better than watching this film again.
PHANTOM
BROTHER (1989)
- I have seen my fair share of bad horror comedies (Some would
say that I have seen too
many. Just ask my wife.), but I don't think anything comes close to
the word "craptacular" than this piece of SOV shit. After a
bad auto accident, which kills his entire family, Abel (John Gigante)
tries to protect the ghost of his family, including the title brother
(Jon Hammer), who was horribly burnt in the accident, from outsiders
using their now-deserted family home (which supposedly contains a lot
of hidden money) for make-out sessions by horny teenagers and nosey
rednecks. Most of the time Abel fails and his brother ends up
stabbing and slashing the teens with knives and power saws. Abel's
brother kidnaps Abel's girlfriend (Mary Beth Pelshaw) and he rescues
her and explains his predicament. She has a hard time believing his
story, but eventually takes his word for it. Then a film company
comes to the house to make a low-budget horror film. Saying any more
about this film would be giving it more publicity than it deserves.
The effects (by Arnold Gargiulo of THE
DEADLY SPAWN [1983] fame) are way below par and the
direction by William Szarka (SOUTH
BRONX HEROES - 1985) is strictly amateur hour. As one person
puts it in this film: "I hate student filmmaking." You will
too if you watch this piece of trash that tries way too hard to be
funny, has pitiful voiceover narration, a surprise ending that's not
much of a surprise and actors that can best be described as
overstepping their bounds as human beings. They should all be working
at the local Home Depot as cashiers, not acting. Also
"starring" Patrick Malloy (PLUTONIUM
BABY - 1987) and Vinny Grillo. Their names sound more like
South Bronx gangsters than actors. A Southgate
Entertainment Home Video Release. Not Rated. Don't look
for this to be released on DVD any time soon (as in forever).
TOMB
OF THE WEREWOLF (2003) - How
director Fred Olen Ray got Paul Naschy over to the States to reprise
his Waldemar
Daninsky role is the biggest surprise in this otherwise piss-poor
film. When a future descendant of Daninsky (the always good Jay
Richardson) inherits Daninsky's ancestral home, Jay sees a way to
make money off his inheritance. Not to belabor the plot, we get the
basic Fred Olen Ray girl-on-girl action, Michelle Bauer and her big
boobs playing Elizabeth Bathory (she's still a looker after all these
years), way too little of Naschy (who speaks English phonetically),
some sex and a little blood. When Fred Olen Ray was hosting his Yahoo
Discussion Board, he said that two or three versions would probably
be released of the film: An all-sex version; an all-violence version;
and one that combines both. Since this film runs a scant 82 minutes
and it's the only version available out there, I would say that this
is the best you're going to get here. It's a shame because Naschy is
wasted, Richardson dies way too early in this film and the plot is
highly generic. Shot on high-definition video by Gary
Graver (who never phones in a job), the film does have a
professional look and sheen, but it's just not enough. It's another
one of Ray's hack jobs whose only novelty is the appearance of
Naschy. His werewolf makeup is sub-par and the blood quotient is way
too low. The only question that I can come up with is: Why bring
Naschy over to the States if you are just going to waste him? It
holds little novelty as a horror film and less interest as a softcore
porn film. What a shame. Also starring Stephanie Bentley, Kennedy
Johnston, Jacy Andrews and Leland Jay. I still get a kick seeing Jay
Richardson hawking law firms in commercials on TV. It always brings a
smile to my face. Unlike this film. A Macabre Entertainment Release
(and it's not even in stereo!). It took Fred Olen Ray until 2015 to
release an uncut 95-minute horror version on DVD called THE
UNLIVING. Rated R.
WARLORDS
(1988) - Here I am writing another review about a Fred Olen
Ray-directed film. Will this madness ever end? This is
one of his late-80's futuristic thrillers where cloned warrior Dow
(David Carradine) searches for his wife (Brinke Stevens), kidnapped
by the Warlord (the always capable Sid Haig, who is also second unit
director here). Along the way Dow picks up upstart and wisecracking
female wasteland survivor Danny (Dawn Wildsmith) to help him in his
search. Dow also carries a mutant genetic head with arms in his
backpack, who gives him directions along with a little sass. Ross
Hagen plays Beaumont (who is probably having the most fun of anyone
in this film), who supplies the Warrior with guns and harem girls as
mutants with gas masks roam the countryside looking to stop Dow from
achieving his goal. He shouldn't have bothered. It seems his wife
wanted to leave Dow and likes being with the Warlord. Filmed with
lame action sequences (how many angles can you show a car tumbling
after an explosion?), dialogue that would make a child wince and
guest appearances by Ray stalwarts Robert Quarry, Michelle Bauer and
Fox Harris. This is a yawner of the first degree and if it wasn't for
the acting qualities of Dawn Wildsmith and Ross Hagen, I would have
turned it off long before it ended. I'm tired of these crappy
post-apocalyptic thrillers. Besides, the Italians did them best and
filled them with gore and extreme violence. What you get here are
half-baked action sequences, very little blood (Bullet hits with no
squibs? Sacrilegious!) and implied rape. Why bother? There are
pictures of helicopters on the video box but none appear in the film.
Hmmmm... A Vidmark Entertainment
Release also released in an EP-recorded version by Starmaker
Entertainment. Rated R.
SASQUATCH
HUNTERS (2004) - I've
been waiting for a good Bigfoot film (I'm not counting DEMONWARP
[1988] or NIGHT
OF THE DEMON [1979] since neither one is a real Bigfoot film)
and I'm sad to say that this isn't it by a long mile. A group of
annoying Forest Rangers and their friends go out on a week trip in
the forest and run into a family of Bigfoots who begin to tear the
humans apart (Bigfoots tend to do that for some unknown reason). The
film is basically one long chase film where the ragtag team of
Rangers fall victim to the creatures one-by-one until only a few are
left. First-time director Fred Tepper (who usually does Visual
Effects for films) does have a good Bigfoot creature (both costumed
and CGI-created), but the story is as thin as tissue paper and offers
no plot whatsoever. Just chase and kill, chase and kill. The blood
quotient is kept to a minimum, just a few bloody bodies and one good
CGI scene of a Bigfoot throwing a woman through the air, but not
enough to make you want to go out and rent or buy this thing. I
quess there's a reason why no one has actually captured a Bigfoot:
They must own VCRs and DVD players and see how they are portrayed on
film. This film, along with the similarly-themed SASQUATCH,
sets their progress back a hundred years. Stay away from this one.
Starring Matt Lattimore, Amy Shelton-White, Kevin O'Connor, Gary
Sturm and Stacey Branscombe. A Sony
Pictures Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.
ANKLE
BITERS (2002) -
Midget Vampires! Don't you think that would be an interesting
concept? Well, this ultra low-budget
film will make you cringe as you pity the poor little people who are
in this film. Not only can they not act (even the normal-sized people
are rank amateurs), but they are forced to endure embarassing
situations, badly-staged action fights (Stevie Wonder could stage a
better fight scene) and vampire attacks (they actually do bite
ankles!). The story involves a half-breed vampire killer Drexel
(Director and writer Adam Minarovich, doing his best Corey Feldman
imitation) and his half-pint sidekick T-Bone (Michael Moore) trying
to rid the world of the tiny blood-sucking terrors (who travel in
specially-made motorcycles owned by Producer Jim Holcolmb's family
chopper shop) before they find a sword with magical powers that will
make their race superior to humans. They join forces with some normal
humans after the little vampires find and use the sword, using
Drexel's blood as a weapon in the finale to dispatch the vertically
challenged. To try and describe how bad this film is would be like
describing the color orange to a blind person (Do I have Stevie
Wonder on my brain, or what!). There's not one good thing about this
film, from the photography (probably shot on DV, with sped-up and
slo-mo scenes), sound, acting and the music soundtrack. Wait until
you hear the theme music ("Three feet tall. Two inch
fangs.") repeated over and over throughout the film. This has
now become one of CritCon's bottom ten films of all time. Also
starring Timothy Faye, Catherine Brissey, Jeremy Busby and Jaime
Burch. A York Entertainment Release (Have they ever released anything
that remotely resembles entertainment? Try watching "EL"
CHUPACABRA [2003], TAIL STING
[2001], SCARECROW SLAYER
[2003], ALIEN 51
[2004] or any of their urban actioners [featuring the Rap star du
jour] to see what I mean.). Rated R.
INVADERS
OF THE LOST GOLD (1981) - This
film, originally titled HORROR SAFARI,
is one of those films that's so bad it's good. It starts out during
the end of World War II, where a small troop of Japanese soldiers are
carrying 10 crates of gold for the war effort through the jungles of
the Philippines, They are attacked by a group of headhunters,
and the Japs hide the gold in a cave where only three
of them survive to escape. The rest end up as heads on sticks. 36
years later, Edmond Purdom finds out about the lost gold and tries to
get the three elderly Japanese survivors to help him find it. The
first one is shot and killed by Purdom when he refuses to co-operate
and the second one commits hara-kiri when he finds out that his
commanding officer was killed. Purdom convinces the third (Harold
"Odd Job" Sakata, in one of his final film performances) to
help him find the gold for a 25% cut. Purdom hires arch enemy Stuart
Whitman to help him on his quest since he is the best jungle man in
the territory. Also along for the ride are Laura Gemser (who has a
nude swim scene in which she mysteriously dies), Woody Strode (who
has a fight with Sakata), Glynis Barber, David De Martyn and a bunch
of disposable native Filipinos. After fatal attacks by snakes,
alligators, an unstable rope bridge and booby traps, the dwindling
crew get closer to their destination, and the ultimate showdown
between Purdom and Whitman. Directed without an ounce of flair by
Alan Birkinshaw (KILLER'S MOON
- 1978) and produced by the infamous late Dick Randall (PIECES
- 1982; DON'T OPEN
TILL CHRISTMAS - 1984, SLAUGHTER
HIGH - 1986, who seemed to use Purdom in a few of his
films), INVADERS OF
THE LOST GOLD contains a lot of nothing going on throughout
most of it's running time, just a ton of infighting and some short
spurts of gore. The international cast is highly unusual for a film
of this low budget (and obviously a cash-in to the then box office
smash RAIDERS OF THE
LOST ARK - 1981), but nothing really happens. Just trekking
around jungle scenery, lots of arguements and a very quick ending. If
the rest of the film were only as good as it's first ten minutes, we
may have had some enjoyment here. Stuart Whitman later made a similar
film, TREASURE OF THE AMAZON (1985)
in Mexico for late director Rene Cardona Jr. (BEAKS:
THE
MOVIE - 1987). An All
American Video Release that's available on DVD in widescreen
form from Mondo Crash (which is now OOP). Not Rated.
SERIAL
SLAYER (2003) - Extremely talky
SOV thriller whose main reason for me buying it off eBay
was that is starred Mary
Lynn Rajskub, who plays the quirky Chloe O'Brian on the hit TV
series 24 (2001
- 2010; and is also a gifted comic). Someone is killing the
residents of a small town by killing them with a crossbow while
waiting patiently on rooftops of houses. Grace (Rajskub) drives to an
adult slumber party while listening to a program on talk radio about
the serial killer. When she gets to the house, she only finds two
other co-workers there: Lauren (Melanie Lynskey) and Gina (Sheeri
Rappaport). All the other workers were scared to come because of the
rash of crossbow killings, the last to take place just a few miles a
way from the house. Grace, who is the new girl in the company and no
one really know her, is at first a little reluctant to open up to the
two girls. When it appears that the killer is on their roof, the
girls must come up with a plan to survive. What happens for the next
80 minutes is just a bunch of girls talking and arguing with each
other about what to do. It's so boring (nothing is as boring as 3
women talking to each other incessantly) that I had to pop some
No-Doze to stay awake. I thought that when Rajskub gets shot with a
crossbow bolt that things would pick up. They don't. Director Mark
Tapio Kines (FOREIGN CORRESPONDENTS
- 1999, also starring Lynskey) has no sense on how to film a suspense
scene and the movie is just plain dull. When the killer is revealed
(he's just a teenager), it's quite a letdown. Hey, I appreciate good
dialogue in films. It's just that this film has none. Judith O'Dea
(the original NIGHT OF
THE LIVING DEAD - 1968) has a cameo as the killer's first
victim. Originally filmed as CLAUSTROPHOBIA. A Lions
Gate Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.
THE
MASQUE OF THE RED DEATH (1989)
- During the late 80's producer Harry Alan Towers remade three
Edgar Allan Poe stories, updating them to present times and hiring
hack director Alan Birkinshaw (KILLER'S
MOON - 1978; INVADERS OF
THE LOST GOLD - 1981) to direct two of them (THE
HOUSE OF USHER - 1988, was the other one). The third film
was BURIED ALIVE (1989), directed
by Gerald Kikoine (EDGE OF SANITY
- 1988). MASQUE is probably the worse of the three (that's
still not saying much). When tabloid reporter Rebecca (Michelle
McBride) crashes the party of wealthy, reclusive Ludwig (Herbert Lom)
hoping to get some exclusive photos of celebrities for her rag, she
and a bunch of party guests become trapped in Ludwig's mansion while
someone wearing a red cape and mask begins killing them, sometimes
using devices from Poe's stories. Frank Stallone (Sly's more talented
brother) stars as Duke, who, along with bitchy, has-been star Alaina
(Brenda Vaccaro), vain starlet Colette (Christine Lunde), Rebecca's
ex-lover Max (Simon Poland) and various other boobs try to figure out
who among them is doing the killings. A waiter has his hand chopped
off. Alaini is choked to death and thrown down some stairs. Another
has her head cut off by a swinging pendulum clock. Max is repeatedly
stabbed and axed to death. Duke is run through after having a
swordfight with the red-dressed killer. As we find out that Ludwig is
dying from some incurable disease, the final denouement is really
unbelievable (something about taking some red pills to give the
killer super strength). Rebecca and the killer are the only ones left
and a fight ensues where the killer is impaled on a falling iron
grate that bars the front door. This is really boring stuff that
doesn't make much sense. There's a little blood, a really bad rock
band and endless shots of people running around the mansion. The only
suspense to be found is the decapitation by the pendulum clock.
Otherwise, it's a stinker of the first degree. An RCA/Columbia
Pictures Home Video Release. Not available on DVD. Rated R.
Not to be confused with the Roger Corman production of the same
name released in the same year, directed by Larry Brand (PARANOIA
- 1998), which actually got a theatrical release.
THE
KILLER EYE (1998) - Director David
DeCoteau (here using his "Richard Chasen" pseudonym),
before creating Rapid
Heart Pictures (of LEECHES!
[2003] fame), made a bunch of films for Charles Band's Full Moon
Pictures. This is one of his worst. A scientist (Jonathan
Norman) accidently creates a giant eye (that makes the BRAIN
FROM PLANET AROUS [1957] look like a masterpiece) from
"The 8th Dimension" by putting eye drops into a street kid
(Ryan Van Steenis) and having him stare into some contraption that
makes his left eye grow to gigantic proportions and detach from his
body. As with all DeCoteau films, the eye is horny and it gives the
director reason to show various male and female bodies in their naked
forms. The lovely Jacqueline Lovell (HEAD
OF THE FAMILY - 1996) is wasted here as the scientist's
wife, who wants to have sex with any male she can find, but never
achieves that, thanks to her disinterested husband and two stoner
guys in their underwear (a DeCoteau staple) who like to say,
"Dude, I'm so baked!" and are too high to please her. As a
matter of fact, if it weren't for the giant eyeball and its huge
tentacles, she would get no action at all. Thank goodness this film
is only 72 minutes long, because the giant eyeball was beginning to
give me a giant headache. As with all giant eyeballs, they are deadly
afraid of bright light and is forced to go back to the 8th Dimension,
but not before making the two females (Lovell and Nanette Bianchi)
pregnant with it's love children. Besides a short shot of the kid
with a missing eye, there's no blood whatsoever. Just plenty of bad
dialogue delivered by bad actors (Lovell excluded), a giant eyeball
shooting green sex rays and a lot of nudity (Bianchi is raped by the
eyeball while taking a shower). It's films like this that put
Band's Full Moon Pictures out of business and made him create Wizard
Entertainment (sometimes known as Full Moon Films), an even
lower-budget version of Full Moon Pictures (The VHS cover is nothing
but a rip-off copy of Wizard Video's big box of THE
HEADLESS EYES - 1971). I could have spent the 72 minutes
trying to lick my nose with my tongue instead. Also starring Costas
Koromilas, Dave Oren Ward (who was stabbed to death soon after making
this film), Roland Martinez and Blake Bailey as "Creepy
Bill". A Cult Video/Full Moon Home Video Release. Available in
both R-Rated and Unrated editions. The only difference
is the amount of nudity in each.
SUCCUBARE
(1981) - This
Hong Kong film will have PETA screaming for human blood. An ox is
graphically killed and sliced apart on camera. Snakes, toads, lizards
and mice are eaten alive in inserts by the same man at various times
during the film and other reptiles and animals are tortured. Add a
little bit of kung fu, maritial infidelity and colorful costumes, mix
in some curses and what you get is an unhealthy mix of bad dubbing,
sloppy eating habits and some pissed-off women. The main story is
about a bunch of women who live in a remote town who put curses on
their men if they leave town and don't come back in the allotted
time. One cheating man's belly swells-up the size of a balloon and
when a surgeon cuts him open, worms, snakes and centipedes (a
favorite theme in Hong Kong horror films such as CENTIPEDE
HORROR [1984], THE DEVILS
[1981] and KILLER SNAKES
[1975]) spill out of his stomach as he wakes up and dies. The main
plot deals with a man whose brother is killed by one of the spells
and goes out to get revenge. What he doesn't count on is falling in
love with the head priestess. Director Wai-Yip Wong fills the screen
with atrocious acts of animal cruelty that lies head-and-shoulders
above anything the Italians have produced. I really can't recommend
any film that treats animals in such an awful way without advancing
the plot (even then I would have some trouble with it if it were real
animals being harmed). Instead we have disgusting inserts of people
eating live animals and reptiles and the film offers nothing in the
way of redeeming social values. Did I mention that the film was
colorful? That's about the only nice thing I can say about this cruel
film. Starring Carter Wong and Cho King (as the live animal eater). A
VCR Release. SUCCUBARE is
also available streaming on Amazon Prime. Not Rated.
BOO (2005)
- Color me unimpressed. I expected more from effects master
Anthony C. Ferrante, this being his first directorial
full-length movie. What we get here is a by-the-numbers horror flick
about a group of college students spending a night at an abandoned
hospital only to find that something supernatural lives there. Yawn!
The group is expecting some pre-set scares from some fraternity
brother who was sent their earlier in the morning to set up some
things that go bump in the night. He is dispatched rather quickly
(only our group thinks he's alive, not aware that the supernatural
presence takes over the dead bodies), and the group wonder why the
elevator only takes them to the third floor. Meanwhile, on the
outside, a cop who used to be a blaxploitation star named Dynamite
Jones (Dig Wayne) tries to help a friend whose sister is trapped in
the hospital. Little do they know that she is dead and taken over by
a good supernatural force, who must defeat the bad ghostly dude so
someone can live and tell the tale. Besides a couple of good special
effects and a ghostly little girl (which has been done to death in
Asian horror films), this film has little to offer that you haven't
seen a million times before. There's a blurb on the back of the DVD
by director Stuart Gordon that says: "Enough scares for three
movies." Gordon didn't mention that those three movies must have
been comedies. If you like haunted house films, you may find
something here to get your heart pumping a little faster. I just
expected a lot more since Ferrante has worked on so many horror films
in his past, both behind and in front of the camera. Too bad. Also
starring Trish Coren, M. Steven Felty, Jilon Ghai, Nicole Rayburn,
Josh Holt and Dee Wallace Stone in a cameo. A Ventura Entertainment
Release. Rated R.
IMAGE
OF DEATH (1978) - This is one
of those long line of Australian made-for-TV films that Paragon Video
picked up for release in the US. Others in the Paragon line include NIGHT
NURSE
(1978), DEATH TRAIN (1978), DEMOLITION
(1978) and GONE TO GROUND
(1975), but this
one is the most boring and worst of the lot. A young woman named
Yvonne (Cathey Paine) finds Barbara (Cheryl Waters), a friend she
hasn't seen in a while and resembles Yvonne almost to a tee, murders
her and takes over her life. Yvonne/Barbara then spends the rest of
the film trying to cover her tracks and not get caught. She is dogged
by Barbara's friend Maureen (Penne Hackforth-Jones), a friend of the
dead Barbara who worked in television news with her and tries to
convince the police and her producer (Barry Creyton) that the new
Barbara is not who she says she is. Yvonne covers her tracks pretty
well, as she is able to access Barbara's account at the bank and
convince some relative that she is actually Barbara. She even has
Barbara's blind boyfriend Carl (Tony Bonner) convinced. But Maureen
is steadfast and eventually convinces the police that Barbara isn't
Barbara after finding some incriminating evidence. In the most
interesting scene in the film, the police come and take Yvonne away
while she and Carl are having dinner in a restaurant. The only
problem is that Carl is in the bathroom when the police cart her
away. When he comes out of the bathroom and sits down at the table,
he continues a conversation not realizing that she is no longer
there. After a couple of minutes he discovers that she is gone and
calls out, "Barbara! Barbara?" THE END. Apparently, the
Australians could turn out some shitty TV movies in the 70's, just
like we did. Director Kevin Dobson (not the actor that played
detective Bobby Crocker on the original 70's TV series KOJAK),
who also directed GONE TO GROUND and DEMOLITION is
still directing today, offers nothing in the way of entertainment and
this film is probably the best cure for insomnia in quite a while.
There's no blood, sex or believable storyline. In other words, a
typically bad 70's TV movie that, thankfully, only runs 82 minutes.
For Paragon completists only (especially for the 13 minutes of
previews at the beginning of the tape that's 10 times more
interesting than the film itself). Also starring Barry Pierce and
Sheila Helpmann. A Paragon
Video Release. Not Rated.
DEADLY
DARLING (1985) - This is
another one of Godfrey Ho's cut-and-paste jobs, using portions of at
least three different films (one of them being director Karen Yang's BREAKOUT
FROM OPPRESSION ["Sha chu chong wei" - 1978],
which Godfrey Ho
wrote the screenplay) to try and make one cohesive film. He fails
miserably. Carol, a commercial actress, walks off the set of her
latest shoot where she is raped by wealthy businessman Mr. Lee. At
the rape trial, Mr. Lee is found innocent and Carol vows revenge.
Wendy, a newspaper reporter, stays on the story when Carol is found
dead after unsucessfully trying to stab Mr. Lee. Wendy is attacked
and raped by four drunken hoods (When she puts up resistance, one of
the hood says: "Why don't we go to a whorehouse
instead?"!!!). Wendy does not go to the police because she saw
the way they treated Carol. Instead, she exacts revenge vigilante
style. Her fiance leaves her and takes up with another woman when she
tells him about the rape. She kills the four thugs by various means
(meat hooks, impalement on spikes and scares another hood by putting
her last victim's eyeballs in his bowl of rice!) and finds out that
Mr. Lee was also instrumental in commissioning her rape. As the
police close in, Wendy is caught stabbing Mr. Lee to death. At her
trial, Wendy gets imprisoned for life. That's the basic story, but
you'll have to put up with some footage that definitely comes from
different sources to pad out the film. Godfrey Ho (with help from
producer Joseph Lai) made many of these faux films during the 80's,
most of them featuring actor Richard Harrison in cameo bits and many
of them with "Ninja" in the title. Thankfully, he's not in
this one. This one stars Fonda Lynn, Warren Chan, Bernard Tsui,
Cherry Kwok and Morris Lam. Originally released on VHS by Unicorn
Video (which is long OOP), it is now available from 5
Minutes To Live on DVD-R for $14.99. Why would you waste good
money on a film like this? Not
Rated.
HORROR
OF THE HUNGRY HUMONGOUS HUNGAN (1991) - Another
retitled travesty (originally called simply THE HUNGAN) from
Troma, the purveyors of the putrid. Director/Producer/Screenwriter
Randall DiNinni (who also handled about 20 other posts behind the
scenes) creates a laughable horror film that's all the more amazing
because they got Jack Palance to do the voiceover narration in the
beginning. The convoluted story is about a voodoo woman and a mad
scientist who create a monster from dead body parts, including what
looks like the claw of a giant lizard, and inject it with a voodoo
serum which brings the monster to life. The monster,
who sports bad facial makeup and a white Eva Gabor wig to go along
with the lizard claw, goes on a killing spree murdering everyone who
he comes across. A teenage girl has nightmares about the monster
(called a Hungan) killing her and her boyfriend in the woods. So what
does this smart girl do? Why, she goes on a camping trip with her
boyfriend, her preteen brother and some high school friends. Needless
to say, almost everyone dies by the Hungan's lizard claw. Filled with
lame-ass acting (it's basically non-acting) especially by the
nightmare girl (BJ Moyer) who screams at every moment even when she
isn't being chased by the monster (you'll breathe a sigh of relief
when she's finally killed), cheap-ass gore effects (an awful
beheading, a guy's arm being torn off like it was made of butter, a
security guard getting repeatedly bashed on his head with a fire
estinguisher, bad lizard claw slashings), a monster that flails his
arms while chasing his prey, and a really bad rock band called Cry
Wolf who play their "hits" at a house party, this film
doesn't even cross over to the "so bad it's good" category,
even when a Pee Wee Herman imitator crashes the house party (WTF?!).
You'll just sit there slack-jawed with boredom hearing such lines as:
"I've done it! I've done it! I made the dead live!" and
watching endless scenes of teens talking to each other without saying
anything of substance. The best part of the film is the bloopers
shown before the end credits. The DVD from Troma is a VHS port as
there are instances of rolling and tracking problems. The picture is
very muddy. It was encoded in Dolby Digital though. Why?Also starring
David A. Yoakam (as the Hungan), Joseph Miller, Thomas E. Blair and
Richard D. Johnson. The question remains: What did the filmmakers
have on Jack Palance to get him to do the opening narration? Maybe he
just needed booze money. Contrary to the packaging credits, Richard
Gardner did not direct this film (He directed DEADLY
DAPHNE'S REVENGE - 1980). This DVD was part of Toxie's
Triple Terror #3, which also includes CROAKED:
FROG MONSTER FROM HELL (a.k.a. RANA:
THE LEGEND
OF SHADOW LAKE) and VIDEO
DEMONS DO PSYCHOTOWN (a.k.a. BLOODBATH
IN PSYCHOTOWN), both also extremely bad films. Distributed
by BCI Eclipse (which would explain a lot). Not Rated.
OZARK
SAVAGE (1999/2002)
-
Kitchen sink film that tosses everything at you and hopes it will
stick. It looks as if director/writer/editor/photographer
Matt Steinauer made a short film and stretched it out to an
unreasonable 75 minutes. It takes it cues from films like RESERVOIR
DOGS (1992), Hong Kong action films, THE
EVIL DEAD (1982), PHANTASM
(1979) and countless other cult films and mixes them all together.
Instead of resulting in a good indie effort, it falls flat on its
face. In 1997, hitman Lens Ozark (David Wilson) is hired to retrieve
an ancient Chinese coin that will give the owner the rights to Hong
Kong (don't ask me how). He is doublecrossed after getting the coin
and murdered in the desert. He goes to Hell and meets Satan who also
loses the coin (it has a mind of its own) forcing Ozark to come back
to the desert during a nuclear test, which makes him invincible. He
sets out to get revenge on mob boss Vincenzo Malachi (Vince Di
Meglio, the best thing about this film), taking out all his henchmen
in a series of bloody and (supposedly) comic viginettes. The bullets
fly fast and furious as Ozark shoots his way through the cast, is
rescued by a girl (Stephanie Matthews-Diaz) who has a connection to
the coin, and hopes for a happy ending. The only problem is that
Steinauer tries to dazzle us with overused camera tricks (solarized
shots, sped-up photography, bullet-eye view) and an ending that can
best be described as unfinished. I had high hopes for the film, but
was disappointed almost immediately after putting the DVD in my
player. It just tries to be too hip for its own good. It's all flash
and no substance. A little restraint would have went a long way. Also
starring Elliott Grey, Ken Wilson, Manny Fernandez and Bill Hill.
Made in 1999 and not released until 2002. Now you know why. A Canyon
Releasing, LLC Release. Rated
R.
BARN
OF THE NAKED DEAD (1974) -
This totally misogynistic horror film is famous for two things: It is
an early work from art house director Alan Rudolph (credited as
"Gerald Cormier" on some prints, although Gerald Cormier is
a real person and not a pseudonym [He actually Produced the film])
and contains a devil-may-care performance by Andrew Prine. Both
have said that they wish this film was better left forgotten. While
I agree, others absolutely love this film. I'm still baffled why. The
story begins with three female singers (Manuella Theiss, Sherry
Alberoni and Gyl Roland) having car trouble on their way to Las
Vegas. They become stuck in the desert and are rescued by Andre
(Prine). Andre turns out to be a psychopathic freak and chains up the
girls in his barn, along with a half dozen other girls that are
already there. He whips the girls in order to get them to follow his
orders ("You all belong to me now, you know."). This
delusional freak is making them perform in his own private circus.
Andre also keeps a mountain lion as a pet and sets it loose whenever
a girl tries to escape. Also running around in the desert is a
mutated radioactive man who lives in a shack near the barn and kills
any nosey people who stray near the area. This mutant turns out to be
Andre's father, who got too near a nuclear test years earlier. That's
about all the story there is. The rest of the film is mainly scenes
of Andre whipping the female cast while spewing bile, making the
girls perform circus tricks, killing them when they don't obey and a
small subplot of the three girls' agent searching the area for them.
Unfortunately there are no instances of nudity, living or dead, only
a very bad film with a real downbeat ending. Alan Rudolph took over
directing this film after the original director couldn't hack it and
Andrew Prine has said in interviews that he even directed parts of it
because he wouldn't get paid unless the film was finished. Rudolph
would go on to direct the weird ENDANGERED
SPECIES (1982) and a whole bunch of noteworthy art films.
Andrew Prine is no stranger to the horror genre, appearing in THE
CENTERFOLD GIRLS (1973), GRIZZLY
(1976), THE EVIL
(1977) and countless others. BARN
OF THE NAKED DEAD, also known as NIGHTMARE
CIRCUS (from Regal
Video) and TERROR CIRCUS,
is one of Prine's lesser efforts. Also starring Jennifer Ashley,
Chuck Niles, Gil Lamb, Sheila Bromley and Al Cormier. An AIR
Video VHS Release. Released on DVD
as TERROR CIRCUS by Code Red/Shriek
Show. Also released on semi-legit DVD
from Legend House and on a legit double
feature DVD from Code Red,
with the awful 1981 horror film SCREAM.
Code Red also released this film (under the TERROR CIRCUS
title) on a double
feature DVD with the 1973 psycho-thriller SCHOOLGIRLS
IN CHAINS. Now available on Blu-Ray
from Code Red, sold exclusively through Screen
Archives Entertainment. Rated R.
DR.
CHOPPER (2005) - Lame slasher
flick and, since it comes from York Entertainment, you know it's
gonna suck bad. Demented plastic surgeon Dr. Chopper (Ed Brigadier),
named so because of the type of motorcycle he rides, is killing young
teens with his two female
assistants in order to conquer aging. As the police close in, Dr.
Chopper and his assistants escape to parts unknown. Thirty years
later, a group of five teens go on a vacation to a cabin in the
woods, where an alcoholic park ranger (Costas Mandylor) is trying to
drink all his problems away while half the county is either
disappearing or found dead with body parts missing. Who is causing
all this mayhem? Why, it's no other than Dr. Chopper, now a spry 87
years old and still riding his motorcycle. After dispatching most of
the cast and the park ranger's new partner, there's one surprise for
the remaining female victim (Chelsey Crisp) as Dr. Chopper and his
deformed flesh-hungry assistants try to kill her for her DNA (don't
ask). I really feel sorry for Costas Mandylor. Appearing in dreck
like this is only one step above starring in a porno film. Forget
that the film doesn't make any sense because your eyes and ears won't
believe how badly this film is edited and acted. Director Lewis
Schoenbrun (SLAUGHTERHOUSE PHI
- 2006) has no idea how to frame a shot or build suspense which is a
surprise considering how many low-budget horror films he has edited.
What you are left with is a very bloody film (lots of body parts,
throat slashings and stabbings) with a highly disposable cast of
no-talents and a plot that could fit on a cocktail napkin. The worst
part about this film is seeing how far Costas Mandylor has fallen. He
knows it too. You can see it in his performance. Also starring Robert
Adamson, Chase Hoyt, Butch Hansen, Ashley McCarthy and Benjamin
Keepers. A York Entertainment
Release. Not Rated.
CITY
OF BLOOD (1983) - Deadly
boring South African production about the murders of white
prostitutes by some unknown Black assailant using an ancient African
spiked weapon. The town medical examiner (Joe Stewardson, who looks
like Jack Elam on a three week bender), who is dealing with some
personal and professional problems of his own (including talking to
people who aren't really there and having prophetic dreams), tries to
solve the series of killings while dealing with racial tensions and a
crooked government. More soap opera than horror, this film tries to
stuff too many ideas into the plot and alienates the audience in the
process. We have ancient curses (the prologue takes place 2,000 years
ago), police procedurals, a severely-flawed main character who walks
around most of the time with his eyes closed, Black vs. White
tensions (filmed before apartheid was a common word) and government
back-stabbing. While all that sounds promising, first-time
director/writer Darrell Roodt (PAVEMENT
- 2002; DRACULA.3000
- 2004) fails to inject any adrenaline into his screenplay and the
film moves at a snail's pace. It doesn't help that the film
makes no sense at all, either. This film is nothing but a long 96
minute stretch of tedium. Also starring Ian Yule, Ken Gampu (who
seems to appear in every other South African film produced in the
70's and 80's), Susan Coetzer, Greg Latter, Gys De Villiers and Liz
Dick. Picked up by New
World Pictures for distribution in the United States and
released on video by Magnum
Entertainment. Rated R.
VOODOO
DOLLS (1990) - Simply horrid
piece of Canadian trash, that even a screenplay written by Ed
Kelleher (listed here as "Ed Kleeher" on
the error-ridden video box) cannot save (He co-wrote the cult
classics INVASION
OF THE BLOOD FARMERS
[1972] and SHRIEK
OF THE MUTILATED [1974], as well as the superior MADONNA:
A CASE OF BLOOD AMBITION, also in 1990). Troubled girl
Vanessa (Grace Phillips) is sent to The Hanley School For Girls
where, 30 years earlier, the headmaster and two schoolgirls were
savagely slashed to death while having sex. Vanessa joins the drama
club and takes the lead in a cursed play, the same play that was put
on 30 years ago. Soon a voodoo curse is unleased, which will take the
lives of those who stand in the way of stopping Vanessa from becoming
the new voodoo queen. Boring to the point of no return, VOODOO DOLLS
contains no redeeming qualities except for the small section where
the school's maintenance man is attacked in the basement by a horde
of the title creatures. It's so funny and poorly done that you'll
find yourself laughing hysterically. Then you'll experience boredom
again for the rest of the film. Director Andre Pelletier (who
has acted in French Canadian films since the early 70's) gives us
some nice scenery, filmed in the French quarters of Montreal, but has
no idea how to pace a film as it just lumbers along to it's final
banal conclusion. The acting here is also a major distraction. The
actor who plays the Black voodoo priest Desmond (Graham Chambers) is
so wooden in his delivery I swore I saw leaves growing out of his
ears. While there is some female nudity on view, it's still not
enough for me to justify this as a rental or impulse buy to anyone.
The violence is also nearly nonexistant and what there is only
amounts to throwing some fake blood on someone and calling it a
slaughter. Save your money for the strip club instead. An Atlas
Entertainment Corp. VHS Release. Also available on DVD
from Code Red as part of a double feature with MADONNA. Rated
R.
THE
SHAMAN (1987) - What smells worse than
a baby's full diaper? What stinks more than a slaughterhouse in the
Summer sun? What odor is stronger than an unwashed Taliban member?
Look no further, your answer is here. This putrid excuse for a film
tells the
tale of an evil Shaman (Eivind Harum), who is searching for someone
to inherit his black magic powers. On his search, he uses his powers
on Jack (Michael Conforti), who initially rebukes the Shaman's
powers. When Jack tells his friends about the Shaman, they think he's
crazy. Only his friend Paul (James Farkas) offers Jack any
help. Meanwhile, the Shaman kidnaps Jack's wife Millie (Michelle
Kronin) and forces Jack to do his bidding if he wants Millie back
alive. Jack kidnaps the mailman (?), brings him to the Shaman and the
Shaman cuts his throat. Jack then becomes possessed and does whatever
the Shaman commands. Can Paul help Jack beat the Shaman? There's also
a subplot about two little Black kids (who are better actors than
their adult contemporaries) whose parents become possessed by the
Shaman and try to get anyone to believe that their parents are
screwed-up. That's the whole story, folks. The rest of the film is
just a series of static dialogue scenes, spoken by untalented actors,
stitched together in random order, with a quick bloodless stabbing
here and there. It's no wonder that director Michael Yakub never made
another film. At times the film is so slow, it seems to go in
reverse. There's not one thing to recommend here. No nudity, no
blood, no action, no nothing. I've had blisters on my thumb that were
more exciting than this. The only thing worthwhile is the comical
huge bow that Paul's wife Lizzy (Bianca Levin) wears in her hair for
the entire film. Save your dough and time. Also starring Michelle
Kronin, Lynne Weaver, Mike Hodge and Mike Folger. An Imperial
Entertainment Home Video Release. Not available on DVD (count
that as a blessing). Not Rated, but no worse than a PG-13.
CEMETERY
HIGH (1988)
- Terribly unfunny horror comedy, directed by Gorman Bechard,
who also gave us PSYCHOS IN LOVE
(1986) and GALACTIC GIGOLO (1987),
two other unfunny genre comedies. This one also breaks the
fourth wall, as the actors break character to talk to the audience
and then slip back into character and continue on with the scene.
While this may seem like a nice break from the norm, it really isn't
because the characters are so broad and unsympathetic (nearly every
male character acts like a raving
retard or misogynist) that you end up just shaking your head in
disgust. There is also the novelty of the "Gore Gong" which
sounds whenever a scene of blood is about to be shown and the
"Hooter Honk" which sounds whenever scenes of nudity are
about to be displayed. What's the story behind this whole mess do you
ask? It's a story about five high school girls (who look old enough
to have graduated college) who get even with every male that has
abused them and other women in their town. They go around
shooting, stabbing, chopping, running over and chainsawing their
prey. All the violence is played broadly and not very convincingly
(most of it is never shown) and the nudity, while nice, seems to go
against the story's grain (especially when they talk about who has
the biggest tits), thereby making it gratuitous. The acting is
uniformly awful as the actors mug for the cameras and a lot of them
look like they are reading off cue cards. This is really rough going
for even the most patient film viewer. Carmine Capobianco, who
co-wrote this mess with Bechard and starred in many of Bechard's
films, plays the same character in this one that he did in Bechard's
first film, DISCONNECTED (1983).
Gorman Bechard does seem to have a cult following, but this film
seems to play a joke on his fans as he pulls away at nearly every
turn when he's about to show violence and nudity. He's playing you
for the sucker. There's even a scene set in a video store where the
girls praise PSYCHOS IN LOVE and even hold up the VHS box for
everyone to see and another in an agent's office where a poster for DISCONNECTED
is proudly displayed. One gets the feeling that Bechard is in love
with himself. Starring Debi Thibeault, Karen Nielsen, Lisa Schmidt,
Ruth Collins (who seems to be the only one with talent here), Simone,
Tony Kruk, David Coughlin and Frank Stewart. CEMETERY
HIGH is also known as HACK 'EM HIGH and SCUMBUSTERS
(which is the name the Press gives the girls' group). A Unicorn
Video Release wich is OOP. Also available on DVD from Full Moon
(Charles Band was the uncredited Executive Producer). Not Rated,
but no harder than a soft R.
THE
FOG (2005) - Pointless remake which
adds nothing new to the 1979 original.
Director Rupert Wainwright (STIGMATA
- 1999) films many of the scenes exactly the same as John Carpenter's
original, who is a producer here and gets a "Based on the film
written by" credit along
with producer Debra Hill, who died a few months before this film was
released to theaters. The story has changed slightly (the booty is no
longer in the church, but in the Town Hall), but it can't change the
fact that this is a minor horror entry. The same cast of characters
are here: Tom Welling (SMALLVILLE
[2001 - 2011]) takes over for Tom Atkins. Maggie Grace (LOST
[2004 - 2010]) steps in for Jamie Lee Curtis. Selma Blair (HELLBOY
- 2004) now mans the radio station in the lighthouse (which doesn't
even play an important part in this film), a job that was originally
handled by Adrienne Barbeau. Sara Botsford has the Janet Leigh role.
All the other characters from the original are in this, except
instead of Hal Holbrook as the priest holding the secret it is now
Kenneth Walsh as the town's mayor. A few minor updates
involving the use of computers and a video camera are added to
modernize the story, but screenwriter Cooper Layne basically just
lets all other aspects of his screenplay mimic the original. While I
consider the original film to be lesser Carpenter, at least it was
steeped in atmosphere as the fog was a character all in itself. This
remake has most of the fog CGI-created, making it look hokey, not
scarey. The remake's idea of scares consists of turning up the volume
of the soundtrack and hope you jump. It doesn't. It's just annoying
and will have you reaching for the volume control on a regular basis.
The ghostly denizens of the phantom ship are also poorly rendered.
Spend your hard-earned money on something more worthy. Like a good
back-waxing (you know you need it). The DVD is the Unrated version
(it was rated PG-13 when in theaters) and contains almost three
minutes of extra footage. I saw nothing that would even push it into
R territory. Also starring Rade Sherbedgia, DeRay Davis and Adrian
Hough. A Columbia Pictures Home Video Release. Unrated.
JIGSAW
(2002) - Another ridiculous badly-acted low-budget piece of Full
Moon/Tempe Entertainment tripe made just before Charles Band (who
executive produced this) put his production company into a
self-imposed moratorium. A college art professor divides a mannequin
into five pieces and gives each piece to one of his students (it's a
small class) to decorate. They are given a week to do their best to
personalize the body parts (one guy puts a video camera in the head)
and they are all to meet at a bar (!) to put the pieces
together, the result being called Jigsaw. After they all get drunk
and bare their deepest desires and fears, they burn Jigsaw as part of
their final grade. Guess what? Yep, that right. Jigsaw comes to life
and begins killing the students, taking a piece of their body just
like they took a piece of his. Ho hum. Wasn't this already covered in
a film called THE FEAR (1994) with
a life-size wooden doll called Morty? Let get something
straight right off the bat: Any professor that would take his
students (some who are underage) to a bar to hold class would
immediately be fired. But, to let them order rounds of drinks of
their choice, while they explain why they decorated the mannequin's
body parts the way they did and then charging the drinks to the
college is just plain criminal (granted, it's just a junior college,
but still...). Not only does the professor drink with them, he also
smokes a joint and hits on one of his female students. Where is this
college and how do I get a teaching position there? It took two
directors, Don Adams and Harry James Picardi (who both also produced,
wrote and edited), to make this steaming pile of unbelievable manure
and it takes over 50 minutes (of it's 77 minute running time) before
anything happens besides endless mindless chatter and grade school
emoting (one of the students clenches his teeth throughout, like he's
trying to squeeze one out). I'm tired of crap like this. It pulls
away from most of the violence, lives in an illogical universe all
it's own (where you can stare out of windows made of that thick
frosted glass and see everything on the other side clearly) and is
boring as a bowl of fuck. Watching this film is akin to rubbing cat
turds in your eyes. This is also about the tenth film to use the
title JIGSAW. It is also the
worst. Starring Barret Walz, Aimee Brave, Mia Zifkin, Arthur Simone
and David Wesley Cooper. A Full Moon Entertainment Release. Rated R.
QUEEN
KONG (1977) - Made as a quick
cash-in of Dino DeLaurentiis' version of KING
KONG (1976), DeLaurentiis sucessfully blocked it's release
in American theaters. As much as I dislike the 1976 remake, this
gender-reversal comedy/musical take-off is so abominable, I thought
of burning my eyes out after watching it to try and rinse my mind of
this piece of celluloid trash. Thankfully, clearer heads prevailed.
Rula Lenska stars as Luce Habit (groan), a filmmaker looking for a
male actor to star in her new movie to be filmed in Africa. She finds
him in petty thief and pothead Ray Fay (Robin Askwith of HORROR
HOSPITAL - 1973; and, oh, double groan). She drugs and
shanghais him off to Africa and begins shooting her film. They run
into a female tribe that force their men to do menial tasks or to be
used as sacrifices for Queen Kong, the huge horny female ape who
rules the area. Ray is kidnapped by the female tribe and offered as a
sacrifice to Queenie, who falls in love with him (and he with her). I
think we can all see where this is heading. Queen Kong is brought to
London where she breaks loose (after being forced to wear a giant bra
and panties!) and causes mass destruction. I can't begin to
describe how truly awful this film is to sit through. It's like
sitting in a dentist's chair waiting to have that double root canal.
Director/writer Frank Agrama (DAWN
OF THE MUMMY - 1981) tosses jokes fast and furiously at the
screen and not a single one of them sticks. There's also jokey
references to THE EXORCIST (1973), JAWS
(1975) and other popular films at the time, none of them humorous in
any way. You'll hear lines like, "Tarzan, your wife Jane is on
the other vine!" and "You can't eat me. I'm a Jewish Black
Irish leper!". Please shoot me now because if I remember any
more my brain will bleed. This kitchen sink comedy also has the
shoddiest special effects that you'll ever see. LAND
OF THE LOST (1974 - 1977) had more believable effects. Queen
Kong is a ragged mess (and looks nothing like the picture on the DVD
sleeve) as are the tyrannosaurus rex and the pteradactyl that she
fights. It's also filled with lots of Benny Hill-type moments
(people running around while the film is sped-up) but, they too, are
about as funny as an abortion. I have the feeling if the makers of AIRPLANE
(1980) ever saw this and the miserable way it fails as a comedy, they
wouldn't even have tried. The makers of QUEEN
KONG should all be arrested for grand larceny. They have
stolen my will to live. Also starring Valerie Leon, Roger Hammond,
John Clive, Carol Drinkwater and Linda Hayden as The Singing Nun.
Does God know about this? A Retromedia
Entertainment Release. Not Rated.
CATHY'S
CURSE (1977) - Hey, do you need
an excuse to hate the French? Try watching this piece of drivel.
George (Alan Scarfe) returns to his parents home with mentally
unstable wife Vivian (Beverley Murray) and young daughter Cathy
(Randi Allen). Years earlier, George's mother left his father, taking
George with her but leaving daughter Laura with the father. George's
father and Laura go chasing after George and Mom, but get into a car
accident and are burned to death. Back in the present, Cathy becomes
possessed by Laura (who, it turns out, was an evil little brat when
she was alive) and begins acting strange. She starts hurting the
neighborhood children, taunts her nanny (and
eventually pushes her out a window), levitates objects and carries
Laura's ugly doll (the scariest thing in the film) with her wherever
she goes. Only the family dog (who also ends up dead) seems to know
how evil Cathy really is (she's so evil, she turns a perfectly good
pork chop into a maggot-ridden piece of rancid meat by just looking
at it), but when Cathy's mom becomes hip to how evil she is, no one
believes her because of her past mental problems. Do you really need
to hear any more about this film? Let's just say that the doll has
more personality than any of the actors in this. Those fucking French
are lucky I like their toast and fries. This is truly a chore
to sit through. This French/Canadian co-production, directed by Eddy
Matalon (BLACKOUT - 1978),
makes absolutely no sense and is an affront to your eyes and ears.
This is basically a low-rent riff on themes found in THE
EXORCIST (1973) and THE OMEN
(1976), as Cathy works her way through a series of nannies, family
members and friends in mostly non-bloody ways. You really want to
throw up your hands and scream, "Enough already!", when Dad
entrusts the care of Cathy to alcoholic handyman Paul (Roy Witham)
after she has killed her nanny and put her Mom back in the looney
bin. Talk about parental neglect! Filled with cheap scares, objects
floating on visible wires, plenty of glass objects spontaneously
breaking and dialogue like, "Well, if it isn't the medium
herself! Medium? More like an extra-rare piece of shit!" Woo,
boy! Can you smell it? That's shitty dialogue. Little Randi Allen
plays Cathy with only one expression: A mad little pout that looks
like she's shitting little brown babies in her underwear. Maybe this
is the French's idea of a scary movie, but you also have to remember
that they eat snails and frogs legs. I've seen scarier things on
Sesame Street (Fozzie the Bear is the Antichrist! Don't try and
change my mind.). Also starring Mary Morter and Dorothy Davis. CATHY'S
CURSE has never looked good on home video. Originally
released on VHS by Continental
Video in a soft print and then released by budget label Gemstone
Entertainment in an unwatchable EP-mode mess. The version on
Mill Creek Entertainment's 50 movie DVD compilation titled CHILLING
CLASSICS is one of the worst DVD presentations I have ever
seen (and I've seen plenty). It's taken from an extremely scratchy
print (missing more than a few frames) and is encoded in such a low
bitrate that any sudden movements causes extreme pixelization. Maybe
that's for the best. You're not missing much anyway. Also available
on a double
feature DVD from Alpha Video,
with the even more rank CURSE
OF BIGFOOT (1958/1976). Rated R. NOTE:
Available in a crystal clear Blu-Ray
from Severin Films.
DEAD
SILENCE (2006) - Taken out
of their natural habitat (on stage or in comedy clubs), ventriloquist
dummies are fucking scary. This movie tries to play on that fear. A
husband and wife receive a dummy at their door that seems to have a
life of it's own. While the husband is out getting Chinese food, the
wife is brutally slaughtered, her face sliced up to look like a dummy
and her tongue cut out. A local detective (a really horrendous Donnie
Walhberg) thinks the husband, Jamie (Ryan Kwanten of TRUE
BLOOD), murdered his wife, but Jamie finds a clue that the dummy
(his name is Billy) belonged to the late ventriloquist Mary Shaw
(Judith Roberts), who was killed years ago in the town of Ravens Fair
after being accused in the disappearance of local children. Jamie
goes to Ravens Fair (which, as luck would have it, is his home town)
and begins unraveling the mystery of Mary Shaw and her 101 dolls, who
all got buried in separate graves surrounding Mary. Why would someone
dig up Billy and send it to the married couple? It all has to do with
Jamie's father (Bob Gunton), who was one of the men who killed Mary
years earlier. Mary has returned for revenge and she has dug up all
101 of her children to help her get it. That's all you need to know
about this slow-moving flick, directed by James Wan (the SAW
franchise). Besides a couple of decent jump scares courtesy of creepy
Billy and his moving eyes and jaw, this is a pretty tedious affair
and an ugly film to look at. The film is purposely drained of most of
it's color and given a sickly blue glow, so everyone looks jaunticed
or dead. It's done to set a mood, but it becomes a severe distraction
after the first 30 minutes. I can't begin to describe how utterly
awful Donnie Wahlberg's performance is here. His bullying portrayal
as a no-nonsense cop is so devoid of any emotional depth, you'll
swear he's more wooden than the dummies. It also doesn't help that
the film doesn't make a lick of sense (Why start the killings now?
Wouldn't it have been more prudent to kill those responsible for your
death much earlier than this?). I think director Wan and scripter
Leigh Whannell were looking to create a new horror franchise, but
since this died a very quick death in theaters, I think this is the
last we will see Mary Shaw and her huge tongue (Did I forget to
mention that? Every time she cuts out someone's tongue, her's get
longer!). DEAD
SILENCE
contains more false scares than real ones and some would say that the
film's title best describes the audience's reaction after viewing it.
The DVD restores a few seconds of gore excised to obtain an R rating.
The DVD also contains an unfinished alternate ending and some deleted
scenes, but none of it is interesting. Also starring Michael Fairman
(the best performance in the film), Amber Valletta, Laura Regan and
Joan Heney. A Universal
Studios Home Entertainment Release. Unrated.
PSYCHOS
IN LOVE (1986) - Here's what
to expect: The opening scene shows a girl dropping her panties,
taking a pee and then being hung by her neck in the bathroom stall.
Then, a quick succession of women are killed by Joe (co-scripter
Carmine Capobianco), a bar owner and serial killer. The women die by
garrotting, a slit throat and a re-enactment of the shower scene in
1960's PSYCHO (Joe kills the
last woman
because she liked grapes and, in the immortal words of Joe, "I
fucking hate grapes!"). Then one day, manicurist Kate (Debi
Thibeault) walks into his strip club and it's love at first sight
(turns out she hates grapes, too). You see, Kate is also a serial
killer and murders men at random. When they open up to each other and
find out they are both "unstable", they agree to join
forces and become unstable together. They become a serial killing
couple and begin bringing people home and murdering them together. So
begins director/producer/co-scripter Gorman Bechard's (DISCONNECTED
- 1983; CEMETERY HIGH - 1988) ultra-low-budget
horror comedy which spends too much time winking at the audience and
not enough time developing a plot (Where the hell are the cops?). The
characters break the fourth wall often, as Joe and Kate speak
directly to the screen, the camera and boom mike become conscious
parts of the plot and even the special effects crew are seen pumping
stage blood during one murder sequence. The violence is graphic
(effects by Jennifer Aspinal), but hard to take seriously since Joe
and Kate wink at the screen so often. The film is also full of
nudity, bit it's also used for comical effect. There's also a
sub-plot about a plumber (Frank Stewart), who is also a cannibalistic
serial killer and works his way through the cast until there's the
eventual showdown between him and Joe and Kate. I know this film has
it's fans, but I'm not one of them. I've always found Bechard's films
a little too forced and jokey for my tastes and frequent star Carmine
Capobianco (who also composed the crappy original songs) to be an odd
choice for a leading man. His pudgy build, full beard and thinning
hair, added to his total lack of acting talent, makes a pretty
pathetic impression on the screen. Try watching this and Bechard's GALATIC
GIGOLO (1987) in one sitting, to experience the filmic
equivilent of a full frontal lobotomy. The only saving grace is
Bechard regular Debi Thibeault, who is not only beautiful, she also
has a modicum of talent. It's too bad she couldn't have escaped
Bechard's gravitational pull and appeared in more mainstream fare
(she quit acting in 1989). PSYCHOS
IN LOVE, like all of Gorman Bechard's 80's films, was made
in Connecticut utilizing local talent. Too bad most of that talent
had no talent. Also starring Cecilia Wilde, Donna Davidge, LeeAnne
Baker, Ruth Collins and a very early role for future TV star Eric
Lutes. A Wizard Video
Release. Not Rated.
WARLORDS
FROM HELL (1985) - Simply
horrible action film. Two American motorcross racers, Kirk (Brad
Henson) and Hal (Jeffrey D. Rice), run afoul of a bunch of
motorcycle-riding marijuana farmers in Mexico and are taken prisoner
and used as slave labor on the farm. Since the local police (there
seems to be only one cop in town) are as crooked as a hillbilly's
teeth (tooth?), Hal and Kirk must figure out a way to escape this
hell and get back to their native soil. A little Mexican boy named
Manuel (Sol Castillo), the brother of farm captive Maria
(Leonell Carter), smuggles a letter to Hal and Kirk's sister Betsy
(Ann-Charlotte Elming), another motorcross racer, asking for help.
Betsy, along with friend Mike (Mark Merry) and mechanic Zeke (George
Randall), build two special armor-plated sidehack motorcycles for the
rescue. Disguised as a priest and a nun (!), Mike and Betsy head for
Mexico. Armed with automatic weapons and grenades, Mike and Betsy
assault the marijuana farm in hopes of freeing Hal and Kirk. A high
time is not had by all. This short (75 minute) piece of flotsam
is the filmic equivalent of raw sewage. Director Clark Henderson (SAIGON
COMMANDOS - 1987; PRIMARY
TARGET - 1988) hasn't got a clue how to film an action scene
and there's a total lack of logic to the threadbare plot. You'll
groan out loud when you see how easy it is for Betsy and Mike to find
the secret marijuana farm. Even more brain-busting is how they are
able to smuggle two armored-plated sidehack cycles and a cache of
weapons over the Mexican border, not to mention how they are experts
with guns and explosives. I guess you learn a lot on the motorcross
circuit. The final extended motorcycle chase should be used as a
primer on how not to film an action scene. The stunts are poor, the
film is obviously cranked-up to make the chases seem faster than they
actually were and camera shadows are in abundance. Equally
embarassing is a young Robert Patrick (TERMINATOR
2: JUDGEMENT DAY - 1991), in one of his first film roles, as
motorcycle gang member Rod, who is constantly picking fights (and
loses nearly every one of them) and calls everyone "pussies"
(a lot). This could have been a career-busting performance but,
luckily, hardly anyone saw this turd. There's a reason for that: It's
a boring, poorly-made, badly-acted and unexciting action flick that
just screams out Grade Z. I've had better times at funerals. My
condolences to those that have suffered through this film. If a
camera had an ass, this is what it would shit out. Filmed under the
title THE LAST RIDE. Also starring Magic Schwarz, Harold
Cannon, Richard Leos, Don Elliot Alexander and Wesley Bennett. A
Warner Home Video Release. Rated R.
RUMBLE
IN THE STREETS (1996) -
During the mid-90's, Roger Corman and his Concorde Pictures ran out
of other people's ideas to rip-off, so he started ripping-off
himself. This is nothing but a poverty-stricken, nearly verbatim
remake of STREETS (1990) and
it's nearly unwatchable, thanks to the lethargic direction of Bret
McCormick (THE ABOMINATION
- 1986; ARMED FOR ACTION
- 1992) and the acting of a no-talent cast. Where STREETS was
an effective "life on the streets" thriller, this film
fails at nearly
every turn (the scripters of STREETS, Andy Ruben and Katt Shea
Ruben [who also directed], are credited with co-authoring the script
here [along with McCormick], but they are only credited for
contractual reasons). The story is simple: Street hustler Tori
(Kimberly Rowe; KNOCKING
ON DEATH'S DOOR - 1998) runs afoul of psychotic motorcycle
cop Lumley (Patcick DeFazio) when she shows her tits to him. He goes
to touch them, but Tori freaks out (she doesn't like anyone touching
her, thanks to a childhood event that haunts her) and scratches him
across the face (the scratches on his face change constantly
throughout the film). Lumley starts to strangle her, but she is saved
by Texas road poet Sy (David Courtemarche) and they both jump off a
bridge to escape Lumley, who is unloading his pistol in their
direction. The rest of the film details Tori and Sy's burgeoning
friendship while Lumley begins killing all of Tori's street friends
in his search for her and Sy. Along the way, we get abject
"insights" into the plight of street people (including a
little girl who pimps herself out to pedophiles) while Tori and Sy
fall in love and fight off Lumley's murderous rage. While STREETS
contained an incredible performance by a young Christina Applegate, RUMBLE
IN THE STREETS relies on the non-acting talents of Kimberly Rowe
to carry the film and she fails miserably. Nearly everyone in this
film couldn't act their way out of a paper bag and I could accept
that if it wasn't for the hamfisted direction of McCormick, who
hasn't got a clue on how to handle action scenes. The whole film
reeks of desperation and cheapness and not the good kind that can add
to a film's ambience. While McCormick does try to infuse this flick
with some sleaze (Rowe has plenty of nude scenes and there are some
bloody murders, including a drug dealer who has the barrel of a gun
shoved up his ass before Lumley pulls the trigger), but the overall
impoverished look of the production eliminates any the enjoyment the
viewer may have hoped to find. Atrociously acted, photographed,
directed and scored. Why would anyone in their right mind want to
watch an awful remake of STREETS when that film is readily
available to rent (It's available on DVD
from Shout! Factory as a double feature with ANGEL
IN RED - 1991)? Really, watch that instead of this
abhorrent, 74 minute, piece of shit. I've passed gas that was
infinitely more satisfying than this. Like most of McCormick's epics,
this was shot in his home state of Texas. Also starring Vanessa
Lauren, Tom Young, Dylan Coover, Scarlett McAlister, Mike Nicol and
Sean Cordobes. A New Horizons Home Video Release. Rated R.
CHAINSAW
CHEERLEADERS (2008) - I'll
admit I have a thing for Tiffany Shepis (BLOODY
MURDER 2 - 2002; THE HAZING
- 2004). I'll watch anything she's in, but even I have my limits and
this "film" is it. I use the word "film" loosely,
because this is nothing but another of director/screenwriter Donald
Farmer's terrible SOV flicks (which also includes DEMON
QUEEN - 1986; CANNIBAL
HOOKERS - 1987; SAVAGE
VENGEANCE - 1989; VAMPIRE
COP - 1990 and DORM
OF THE DEAD - 2006) that contains awful acting (Tiffany
excluded, of course), cheap CGI effects, grade school gore and a
pointless script that tries to be funny, but constantly falls on it's
ass. Goth chick Dawn (Michele
Grey) has to decide on going to jail or joining a cheerleading camp
after beating the crap out of her boyfriend when she discovers that
he's been cheating on her (What?). She joins the cheerleader camp and
one night Dawn and a handful of cheerleaders visit a haunted house
(it looks more like a mountain cabin), where Dawn spies on a witch
(who has several rings through her lower lip and nose) sacrificing a
teenage girl in order to open a portal that frees 500 year-old witch
Lucinda (Shepis) from eternal damnation. After spotting Dawn looking
through the window, Lucinda possesses Bambi (Misty Marie), a member
of the cheerleading squad, while Dawn picks up a handy chainsaw and
gets down to business. Lucinda frames Dawn for the murders the
possessed Bambi is committing (including the killing of Dawn's
ex-boyfriend's extremely fat and ugly new girlfriend), but Dawn
fights back, cutting off the possessed Bambi's head with a chainsaw
just before another portal opens and some Puritans drag Lucinda back
to the past. For all you masochists out there, never fear, because
the ending leaves the flick wide-open for the inevitable sequel. My
head hurts. Boring to the point of being an insomniac's wet
dream, CHAINSAW CHEERLEADERS couldn't possibly be worse if it
tried. Rather than using physical effects, director Don Farmer (who
also portrays Dawn's father) goes the cheapo "do it on your home
computer" CGI route and they're simply abysmal (especially the
snake-like thingy that follows Lucinda around). Most of the chainsaw
attacks are computer-generated effects (they are so obvious, it's
criminal [and the chainsaw blades never spin!]) and what physical
effects there are belong in a high school play (especially Bambi's
possession makeup). Toss in cheerleaders that are at least fifteen
years too old, a script that doesn't make a lick of sense, dialogue
that only retards would speak (After witnessing Dawn chainsawing the
mute servant of the witch in half, one of the cheerleaders says,
"What did you do, like step on his rose bushes?") and very
little nudity considering the cast (which includes Debbie Rochon as
Dawn's rape-obsessed psychiatrist) and you'll wonder why you got
sucked into renting or buying this (In all fairness, Don Farmer [who
is a really nice guy] sent me this free of charge after learning that
I'm a fan of Ms. Shepis). I'm in awe of it's awfulness. Also starring
Jackey Hall (also the Producer), Ciara Richards, Rabecca Lee, Rudy
Ownbey and Harmony Xanix (I need one of those, stat!). This is
self-distributed by Donald Farmer on DVD-R and, as of this writing,
is not even listed on IMDB. Not Rated.
SPLATTER:
THE ARCHITECTS OF FEAR (1986) -
I've heard plenty of terrible things about this pseudo-documentary
about the behind-the-scenes making of a phony splatter film and,
after watching it, I'm here to tell you that all those harsh words
are all too true. This shot-on-video ass-dropping has an off-screen
narrator (Christopher Britton) walking us through the "making
of" a post-apocalyptic film where a tribe of cannibal Amazons
battle a bunch of male mutants, showing us in repetitive (and boring)
detail how every gory effect is achieved. Every now and then, the
"documentary" stops dead in it's tracks to show us the
antics of the film's deformed gofer, Fang (Paul Saunders, who sports
one fang, like a vampire that tried to put the bite on a piece of
petrified wood), who disrupts the film's shoot at the most inopportune
times, not to mention biting the heads off live rats every now and
then. The question quickly becomes: Why in the hell would a film
company employ this retard? (On a side note: Why would Fang let
himself be forced to eat out of a dog dish on the floor while the
rest of the cast and crew have lunch at a table right next to him?)
That's the whole film in a nutshell. Needless to say, if the film
this fake documentary is documenting was ever actually made and
released, it would probably be ten times more entertaining than SPLATTER,
but that's not saying much. Ten times zero still equals zero.
This Canadian production, directed by Peter Rowe (who directed lots
of episodic Canadian TV, as well as making several real
documentaries), may have been mildly diverting back when it was made
(when there was still some mystery in how special effects makeup was
done), but today it just seems dated. All the behind-the-scenes stuff
seems endless, as the film's premise is this: Show a short clip
(usually less than two minutes) of the "real" movie and
then spend the next ten minutes or so detailing how every gore shot
in that clip was achieved, followed by a short scene of Fang
misbehaving in some way, like interfering with a shot or babbling to
himself like some deranged mental patient doing an imitation of Peter
Lorre. I'm at a loss for words describing how simply awful Paul
Saunders is as Fang and I also have a hard time understanding why
Rowe found it necessary to include this character into his film. For
a film about special makeup effects, Fang's makeup is especially
sub-par, drawing attention to the bad prosthetic over his left eye
and his blatantly fake dental appliance. On the plus side, there's
plenty of female nudity (apparently, Amazon women of the future have
trouble keeping their tops on) and bloody gore, but the repetitive
nature of the final product and the obvious non-acting talents of
everyone in the cast (who try to make all the behind-the-scenes
footage seem ad-libbed, but they all look rehearsed and forced), not
to mention Fang, makes this 77 minute faux documentary a true chore
to sit through. This was one of those films that every video store I
frequented during the 80's & 90's had a copy of, but it never
seemed to leave the shelves. There's a reason for that. Also starring
Amber Wendleborg, Patti Aldrich, Doug Cawker and dozens of other
people you never heard of. There's a reason for that, too.
Surprisingly, Paul Saunders seems to be the only person in the cast
that made a career in the acting profession. Originally available on
VHS from North American Home Video Entertainment and available on DVD
from boutique label Slasher Video.
Not Rated.
DAY
OF THE DEAD (2007)
- Remember saying to yourself, "Oh, great, another shitty
remake!" when hearing about director Zack Snyder's retelling of DAWN
OF THE DEAD (2004) and then finding that you actually found
it quite entertaining? Well, there's none of that here. This is about
as shitty as they come and it bears as much in common with George
Romero's DAY OF THE DEAD
(1985) as Richard Simmons does with heterosexuality. Made in late
2006, but released directly to DVD in 2008 (not a good sign), this
"reimagining" of Romero's classic (my favorite of his six
[so far] DEAD films) finds the town of Leadville, Colorado
being quarantined by the military, led by Captain Rhodes (Ving
Rhames, who starred in the DAWN remake, but only has an
extended cameo here), after the townspeople come down with a mysterious
"flu", which leads to death and then instant reanimation
as flesh-hungry zombies. As luck would have it (in what turns out to
be a long line of handy coincidences), one of the National Guard
members, Sarah Bowman (Mena Suvari; STUCK
- 2007), was a citizen of Leadville before she left to join the
Guard. When she disobeys a direct order and checks up on her sick
mother and brother Trevor (Michael Welsh), Sarah, along with her
brother, Dr. Logan (Matt Rippy), Trevor's girlfriend Nina (AnnaLynne
McCord) and fellow soldiers Bud (Stark Sands) and Salazar (a terrible
Nick Cannon), must fight a town full of screaming, fast-moving
zombies (who now also sport such ridiculous powers like being able to
jump unrealistic heights and the ability to walk on walls and
ceilings!) while trying to avoid being bitten and infected. Trevor
and Nina are trapped inside a radio station with overweight,
pot-smoking DJ Paul (Ian McNeice; FREEZE
FRAME - 2004), while Sarah and the rest must fight their way
out of a hospital, which is surrounded by zombies. When Sarah finally
reunites with her brother, they find a secret underground base and
discover that the government was using the citizens of Leadville to
test out their latest biological weapon. In a finale stolen directly
from John Carpenter's ASSAULT ON
PRECINCT 13 (1976), Sarah, Trevor and Nina kill all the
zombies in a huge fireball and get out of Dodge as quickly as
possible. My, oh my, where do I begin in describing how truly
insulting this film is to the George Romero zombie mythos? While I
have no problem with the zombies being quick-moving (the DAWN
remake proved it could be effectively scary), director Steve Miner (FRIDAY
THE 13TH PART 2 [1981] & 3
[1982]; HOUSE - 1986; LAKE
PLACID - 1999), working with a screenplay by Jeffrey
Reddick, found it necessary to give the zombies gravity-defying
powers that are so stupid, it made me cringe in embarrassment. About
the only zombie mythos still adhered to is death by head trauma
(Don't get me started that the zombies instantly explode when exposed
to fire!). The most embarrassing aspect of this entire film is when
Bud (a painful tip of the hat to the original DAY's lead
zombie Bub, played by Sherman Howard) is bitten and turns into a
zombie; he refuses to bite anyone because he was a vegetarian when he
was alive! Give me a break! While the film is bloody as hell (in my
opinion, it goes well beyond it's R-rating), many of the effects are
obviously CGI-enhanced or totally computer-generated, giving many of
the effects a manufactured, fake feel. You never once experience the
effectiveness that practical effects would have achieved. This is a
pitiful excuse for a horror film, which is not helped by weak acting,
especially by Nick Cannon, who spits out more rap and hip-hop jargon
than ten Snoop Dog music videos. Don't waste your time. Watch the
original instead. Co-producer Boaz Davidson (director of HOSPITAL
MASSACRE [1981] and AMERICAN
CYBORG: STEEL WARRIOR [1993]) was also Second Unit Director
here. Also starring Taylor Hoover, Pat Kilbane, Christa Campbell and
Robert Rias. Available on DVD from First
Look Studios. Rated R.
THE
DEADLY ART OF SURVIVAL (1979) -
Ultra-low-budget urban actioner that was shot on Super 8MM. Ghetto
resident Nathan (Nathan Ingram), a Bruce Lee-worshipping martial arts
teacher in his early-20's, is beaten to a pulp by a gang when he
wanders into the wrong part of the neighborhood. He vows revenge, so
he buys a gun (from a young boy in a church, no less!) and sets out
to get it. Nathan soon finds out that he was set-up and was supposed
to be killed instead of beaten-up. It seems local gangster Frankie
thought Nathan was fooling around with his oriental girlfriend and
got her pregnant when, in fact, it was actually gang leader Miguel
(who Frankie hired to kill Nathan) who was dipping his wick into
Frankie's chick. Nathan then gets into a disagreement with Harry, a
martial arts teacher from a
competing school who is also the local drug dealer. Harry has two of
his students (who dress as black ninjas) steal the tires off Nathan's
car (while he's in it making love to his girl!), steal Nathan's hat
and lunch (these ninjas are hardcore!) and then abduct his baby (He
has a baby?), leaving a headless doll in it's place and a note
telling Nathan that if he wants his baby back, he will have to fight
the ninjas to the death on the rooftop of an apartment building.
Nathan fights the two ninjas and gets his baby back, but he doesn't
kill the ninjas. Instead, he tears off his martial arts school's
patch from his jacket and gives it to the ninjas (huh?). Nathan then
goes mano-a-mano with Harry in a fight to the death, as Nathan
defeats Harry and drop-kicks him into the East River. The End.
This impossibly cheap home movie is a nice time capsule of the
late-70's Lower East Side in Manhattan but, as a film, it's severely
lacking in every department. Director/scripter Charlie Ahearn (who is
better known for directing WILD STYLE
[1983], which is considered to be the first film to deal with the
subject of hip-hop) uses local non-actor talent and there are many
flubbed and stepped-on lines (no second takes here). Ahearn also uses
live sound recording, where the background traffic noise and even the
sound to the camera's motor drown-out much of the dialogue. Add to
that editing that is so choppy, it's hard to tell where one scene
ends and another begins, truly awful hand-held camerawork that is
mostly pointed in the wrong direction or out-of-focus and some of the
worst-staged martial arts fight sequences this side of a Leo Fong
flick. The film's fragmented timeline makes it tough for the viewer
to keep track of what is going on and characters disappear before
their plot lines are finished, as if Ahearn was making this all up as
he went along or he simply couldn't get the local talent to appear in
another scene. The whole film has an unrehearsed, almost
documentary-like feel to it but, unfortunately, you'll be looking at
your watch more than the screen, wondering when this little obscurity
is finally going to end. The only bizarre scene is when a white drug
supplier is ranting to someone on his bed (we see everything from the
POV of the person on the bed), only to discover he is yelling at his
cat! Local NY underground filmmaker Beth B helped with the production
(she is also listed as one of the three camera operators) and appears
in a small role. The opening credits are spoken by star Nathan Ingram
and the closing credits are handwritten on a pane of glass. Also
starring George David Gonzalez, Miguel Villanueva, Gerry Hovagimyan,
Kiki Smith, Freddy Rivera, 'Sly' Arthur Abrams, Paula Humphrey,
Rosetta Campbell and Yoshiki Chuma (she is painfully embarrassing to
watch as Frankie's pregnant girlfriend). A Brink DVD Release. Not Rated,
but there's not much in the way of violence or nudity, just plenty
of swearing.
LADY
AVENGER (1988) - When her
brother Jeff is murdered by a street gang, tough prison chick Maggie
Blair (Peggy Sanders; SHE
WOLVES OF THE WASTELAND - 1988) is granted a temporary pardon
(with a fat matron as her guard) to attend his funeral. Not satisfied
with the way the police investigation is proceeding, Maggie goes on
the lam to get justice for her dead brother. Her first stop is the
hospital room of Maria, her brother's Mexican girlfriend, who was
raped and had her eyes cut out by the same gang that killed Jeff, but
Maria is in a coma and is not talking. Maggie then teams-up with
boyfriend Kevin (William Butler; BLOODY
MOVIE - 1987) and they start questioning street
gang members, which leads to all sorts of trouble for the pair,
including street fights and car chases. It soon becomes apparent that
Maggie's stepfather, Jack (Tony Josephs), is responsible for Jeff's
death and wants Maggie and her mother dead, too. But why? When
someone dressed as a doctor enters Maria's hospital room and slits
her throat, it would seem that Jack is trying to get rid of all
evidence that points towards him. It turns out that good-old stepdad
needs Maggie out of the way (he was responsible for her prison stay,
too) so he can swipe money from her mother's bank account for a drug
deal that could net him millions. He keeps Maggie's mom in a constant
drugged-out stupor, while he tries to set-up Maggie for Maria and
Kevin's murders. As the police try to capture Maggie (in some really
bad chase sequences), she tries to find out the truth behind the
killings, blowing away bad guys and being deceived by best friend
Annalice (Michelle Bauer, appearing her as "Michelle
McClelland"). Maggie finally discovers the truth (after using a
flame-thrower on a bad guy), but will she be able to save her mother
before it's too late? Eh, I really don't care one way or the
other. This is an anemic 80's actioner that contains some of
the lamest, lazily staged action and fight sequences that I can
recall. It should come as no surprise that this was
directed/co-produced by David DeCoteau, the crown prince of lousy,
no-budget genre films (DREAMANIAC
- 1986; SORORITY
BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA - 1987; LEECHES
- 2003). This is definitely one of the worst films of his early
career, an amalgam of tired action clichés performed by a cast
of no-talents (not counting William Butler or Michelle Bauer, who
turn in the film's only decent performances). The film's main fault
is that lead actress Peggy Sanders is so stupefyingly awful and is so
skinny, even her nude scene made me cringe because I could count
every rib in her body (Eat something, girl!). When she ties a red
bandana around her forehead, dons an oversized pair of aviator
sunglasses and wields an extremely huge pistol (which she can barely
hold, nevermind aim), it elicits bouts of laughter rather than
thrills. She may be the very reason why DeCoteau (who is gay) gave
many of his later films a more homoerotic tone (lots of muscular
young guys with their shirts and pants off). LADY
AVENGER is an embarrassment for everyone involved and you'll
find more action in a box of AlphaBits. If it weren't for Ms. Bauer's
plentiful nude scenes, I would have turned this off after the first
excruciating ten minutes. Also starring Jacolyn Leeman, Daniel
Hirsch, Adam Englund, Rodger Burt, Mike Jacobs Jr., Steve Artiaga,
Billy Frank and Jeff Brown. A Southgate
Entertainment VHS Release. Not available on DVD. Rated R.
NEAR
DEATH (2003) - Another
ultra-low-budget loser from self-styled auteur Joe Castro, the same
person responsible for such insufferable films as CEREMONY
(1994), LEGEND OF THE CHUPACABRA
(2000) and THE
JACKHAMMER MASSACRE (2003). This films deals with the
exploits of a trio of dunderheads led by parapsychologist June Rivera
(Perrine Moore), as they investigate the legend of Willie Von Brahm
(Carl Darchuck), a psychotic cult film director from the 40's who
died under mysterious circumstances. June and her two assistants,
Billy (Scott Lunsford) and bubble-headed actress Tammy (Ali
Willingham), manage to find Von Brahm's coastal mansion and, thinking
it's deserted, enter it, only to find it occupied by golden age
actress Vena Marshwood (Darlene Tygrett), her manservant Heinrich
(Marieno Savoie),
butler Harlan (Brannon Gould) and Dr. Blanchard (Joseph Haggerty),
who are all actually ageless flesh-eating ghouls that pay local hunk
bartender Markie (Joseph Commesso) rare German gold coins to supply
them with drunk bimbettes and fresh corpses to chow-down on. Both
June and Billy immediately sense something is wrong (June is the
spitting image of Maria De La Rosa, Von Brahm's servant, who had her
heart cut out by Von Brahm when she spurned his sexual advances) and
leave the mansion to stay in a hotel when the ghost of Von Brahm
attacks them, but Tammy stupidly stays behind when she gets the hots
for Harlan, who wants to turn her into a ghoul. To make an extremely
long, boring story short, June and Billy discover what Markie is
doing and Billy follows him to a coin store, where the coin dealer
(Scott St. James) gives Billy some vital information about Von Brahm
and the mansion. Meanwhile, June tries to stop Tammy from becoming a
ghoul and becomes possessed by Maria, who wants June to "free my
soul". Markie tries to steal a chest of gold coins from the
mansion, only to become the latest meal for the ghouls. Now that the
ghouls no longer have anyone to supply them with fresh meat (a
boneheaded move on their part), they use Tammy (who now has tasted
fresh flesh) to lure June and Billy back to the mansion, but our
heroic duo brings a priest to the party to perform a séance to
save Tammy and Maria's souls and to perform an exorcism to rid the
mansion of Von Brahm's murderous spirit. June must find Maria's
still-beating heart and join it with her corpse to end Von Brahm and
the ghouls' reign of terror. This Grade Z horror flick is full
of cut-rate special effects (gore effects by director/producer Joe
Castro), including some terrible CGI work that looks like it was
created on a home computer. The acting is particularly amateur hour,
especially lead actress Perrine Moore (who even screams in monotone)
and Joseph Haggerty, whose idea of emoting is to scream every line
loudly, like he was in a noisy crowd. The only funny thing about this
film is how June, Billy and Tammy fail to notice that there is
something immediately wrong with the occupants of Von Brahm's
mansion, especially since the insides of all their mouths and the
spaces between their teeth are coated with a slimy black substance.
The illogical screenplay, by Daniel Benton, makes about as much sense
as putting lipstick on a pig (unless you're into that sort of thing,
you sick bastard!) and the dialogue is beyond comprehension. I love
the way Harlan says to Tammy, "Why, why did you do this to me? I
loved you, now I'm going to kill you!" and then Tammy just
simply rips his face off, killing him (a bad combination of CGI and
practical effects). There's not much I can recommend here, besides
some cheap gore, cheaper acting and even cheaper CGI (Easy on the
morphing effects next time, Joe). This isn't even bad enough to be
entertaining. It's just bad. Also starring Carol Rose Carver and
Billy Bicskei. A Trinity Home Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.
RAIDERS
OF THE DAMNED (2005) - Have
you ever watched those bad films made exclusively for the Sci-Fi
Network (or "Syfy" as they are now known, thanks to some
highly-paid committee that couldn't tell their assholes from their
elbows)? You know the ones I am talking about; where some overgrown
CGI monster attacks a cast of has-been and never-were actors? Well,
compared to RAIDERS OF
THE DAMNED, the worst of those flicks look like Kubrick and
smell like freshly baked cinnamon buns in comparison. RAIDERS,
on the other hand, looks like it was made in someone's backyard (and
basement) using CGI done on a computer with a pauper's budget and
stinks like an opened
can of tuna left out in the noonday sun. After a helicopter is
forced to crash (a laughable CGI creation that would make Fred Olen
Ray cringe) by zombies wielding a catapult, bows, spears and tree
branches, head scientist Lewis (a chain-smoking Richard Grieco, in
what has to be his career low) hires Lt. Gina Kane (Laura Zoe Quist),
military prisoner Captain Dewey (Gary Sirchia), female soldier
Roxanne (Laurie Clemens) and hulking lab experiment Flex (J.C.
Austin), to retrieve any survivors and important papers from the
downed copter. The copter's occupants and papers are now under
control of a zombified Colonel Crow (Thomas Martwick) who, along with
assistant Treadway (Russell Reed), heads an army of zombies infected
with Agent 9X, a biological agent unleashed by Lewis that
accidentally (?) transformed the majority of the world's population
into flesh-hungry zombies. To ensure that Capt. Dewey and Flex don't
go AWOL on their mission, Lewis outfits them with explosive metal
collars around their necks (how original!). The rest of the film is
an extremely lousy mishmash of zombie attack scenes (they are not
your normal mindless, shuffling zombies, as they are not above using
Samurai swords to kill their prey and spoons to scoop-out the eyes!)
and our heroic quartet trying to save the prisoners. The entire film
is about as exciting as giving your infirmed grandmother a sponge
bath. This is the first film from director/producer Milko Davis
and screenwriter Mike Ezell and, if there really is a God in Heaven,
I pray it's their last. The film looks to have been shot on two sets;
either a forest or a basement with cinderblock walls. Some scenes
have no background at all, just shots of actors talking against
pitch-black backdrops. "Name actor" Richard Grieco (CIRCUIT
BREAKER - 1996; EVIL
BREED: THE LEGEND OF SAMHAIN - 2003) looks like a heroin
junkie waiting for his next fix, as all he does is sweat profusely,
chain-smoke and speak his lines as if he were reading names out of
the phone book. The least he could have done was wash his long,
greasy, stringy hair. The entire production, including the gore and
zombie make-ups, is strictly bottom-of-the-barrel (even the guns used
here have CGI-created muzzle flashes because the paltry budget didn't
allow for blanks!) and should only be viewed by those wishing to
punish themselves for some past transgression they have committed. It
better be a really huge transgression (like pulling a
"Polanski"), because the suffering you are about to endure
is monumental. Everyone else should just avoid this at all costs.
Also starring Vic Alejandro, Elijah Murphy and Amanda Scheutzon. An Image
Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated.
ALIEN
3000 (2004) - This sequel to
director Jay Woelfel's UNSEEN
EVIL (1999), filmed as UNSEEN EVIL 2 but then given
this generic title, is absolutely awful (thankfully, Jay Woelfel, a
director I admire, refused to have anything to do with this). So
awful, in fact, that I'm going to dispense with my normal reviewing
routine and just let rip with whatever enters my mind. First of all,
it "stars" Lorenzo Lamas, whose career has fallen quicker
than an aging hooker with one sharp tooth. Here's a clue as to where
his career sits right now: He is appearing
on a reality TV series with his ex-wife (!) and can only get work in
films from those cheap bastards at The Asylum, appearing in their
craptacular CGI opus MEGA
SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS (2009). Secondly, Priscilla Barnes (TRAILER
PARK OF TERROR - 2008), who gets second billing, spends the
majority of her scant screen time chewing on a pencil, proving once
again that there is, indeed, a curse involved in starring in THREE'S
COMPANY (1976 - 1984). Think about it: John Ritter, Audra
Lindley, Norman Fell and Don Knotts are dead; Joyce DeWitt
disappeared off the face of the Earth; Suzanne Somers shilled for the
ThighMaster and then battled cancer; Richard Kline, who played
skirt-chasing Larry, is now teaching a course on acting in comedy at
a county college in Edison, New Jersey (Yee-ouch!); and the less said
about Jennilee Harrison, the better. Thirdly, the acting talent from
the "non-star" cast, who are the real stars of the film
(Lamas is in this for about ten minutes and Barnes is in this for
five minutes, tops), is so maddenly crappy and unbelievable
(especially Phoebe Dollar as "Phoebe" and Christopher Irwin
as "Captain Scott McCool" [really?]) that I wanted to step
through the TV screen and give them acting advice, like how to
properly hold firearms and not to scream out every line they speak
(Yes, I know I'm not an actor, but I play one when watching shit like
this!). Lastly, the majority of the monster's screen time and about
50% of the makeup effects are achieved through CGI done so cheaply,
you can see the zipper on the computer. Really, they are that obvious
and shitty. None of this should come as any surprise once you
discover that the producer is David Sterling, a man who squeezes a
buck so tight, it turns into coins. Sterling also foisted such
cinematic turds as HUMAN PREY
(1995), CAMP BLOOD (1999)
and H1N1: VIRUS X (2010)
upon us. Director Jeff Leroy also gave us HELL'S
HIGHWAY (2002), CREEPIES
(2004) and PSYCHON INVADERS
(2006), all starring Phoebe Dollar, so don't expect reviews from me.
There's not much to admire about ALIEN 3000 (what the hell
does that title mean, anyway?), except for a few gory practical
makeup effects (including a disembowelment and a couple of
beheadings), a ridiculously cheesy monster outfit (it doesn't
resemble the monster on the DVD cover at all) and a hilariously funny
helicopter crash (an obviously radio-controlled model) that Lamas and
co-star Corbin Timbrook (the director of the much better BLOOD
RANCH [2005] and star of director Jesse Vint's THE
KILLER WITHIN ME [2003]) ditch in mid-air and survive! (It's
so obvious that they are not sitting in a helicopter during this
sequence that it becomes painful and funny at the same time. Painful
for Lamas and Timbrook trying to pretend that they are and funny for
the viewer to watch them both fail miserably). In short, I've had
more fun discovering what I pick out of my belly button. Also
starring Scott Schwartz (a porn actor by trade), Megan Malloy, David
Kalamus, Shilo May, Matt Emery and John Fava. A Lionsgate
Home Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.
RECOIL
(2001) - This is one of those "films" (and I use that
word very lightly) that those cheap bastards at Maverick
Entertainment have dubbed "Urban Entertainment"; in other
words, cheap shot-on-camcorder abominations that are made for black
audiences by unknown black filmmakers and then stocked at the local
supermarket for $4.99 a pop. Since they are shot on video (in this
instance, it looks like it was shot with a store-bought camcorder,
not even digital video), you know what to expect: washed-out colors
with bad ghosting effects whenever the camera moves quickly (and in
this odorous turd, the camera doesn't sit still for a second); tinny
sound with a lot of background noise; and acting by a cast that looks
like they were pulled off the streets and told, "speak street
language that only black gangstas or wiggas can understand". RECOIL
is a confusing sci-fi/actioner about high school student Eric
"E-Man" Sanders (Theodore
Borders), who has a unique problem: Whenever he gets angry or
confused, something in his hand activates and someone ends up
brutally murdered. It has something to do with a top-secret
government experiment headed by Dr. James McDaniels (co-producer
Wesley L. Hubbard), who has implanted a device in Eric's hand that
makes him blackout and go on killing sprees. The local police are
baffled and are aided by an FBI agent to try and solve the murders,
while Eric and his white best friend, Webster (Robert Berson, who
talks more jive than a black street hustler) try to figure out why
Eric's hand throbs all the time. Eric also doesn't have the best
family life. His father was murdered a few years ago and his older
brother disappeared around the same time, so now he lives alone with
his tight-assed mother (Lynndi Scott), who, in one example of child
abuse, shuts off the electricity in Eric's room just as he's putting
the finishing touches on a school report on his computer and he loses
the whole report. Of course, his substitute teacher, Mr. Mendenhall
(Terrence P.N. Smith), rides Eric hard for not turning in his report
on time, so when a fight breaks out on the school's basketball court
and Mr. Mendenhall ends up shot dead and Webster is shot in the arm,
it looks like the bullets came from Eric's hand (shades of VIDEODROME
- 1983; actually, it's more like a faint shadow). The FBI agent is
aware of the device implanted in Eric's hand (the word
"Frankenstein" is bandied about quite freely throughout the
film) and he must find Eric before Black Ops agents sent by Dr.
McDaniels can grab him and make him disappear for good, just like his
brother years earlier. If I have made this film sound the least
bit interesting, I sincerely apologize. This is about as entertaining
as watching Aunt Sally's home movies of her trip to the spoon museum,
with the production values to match.
Director/screenwriter/co-producer Wendell D, Hubbard (who,
thankfully, hasn't made another feature...yet) hasn't a clue how to
pace a film (it's awkwardly edited by co-producer Rene Besson) and
since this is shot on video, it's hard to hide the cheapness of the
entire affair; from the grainy, almost unwatchable, night scenes,
moiré patterns whenever light shines through a window and the
repeated use of sounds (such as canned, repetitive screams and
gunshots) to cover-up lousy edits. Movies like this aren't made, they
escape, and Hubbard's lack of talent shines through in every scene.
Hubbard never explains what the device in Eric's hand is supposed to
accomplish (Is it a new weapon to create a better soldier or some mad
doctor's loony experiment? Your guess is as good as mine.) and the
absurd finale (Was it all a dream? Is Mr. Mendenhall Eric's long-lost
brother?) only adds to the confusion. Skip this and take a nap
instead. Also starring Arthur L. Fuller (another co-producer), Mark
Cooper, Sara Lewall, Brennan Dyson, Hawthorne Flaherty, Guy Garner
and Darryl Van Leer. A Maverick
Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated, but there is
absolutely nothing here that anyone would find objectionable. No
nudity, no gore and very little blood. A waste of videotape.
KILLZONE
(1985) - Before co-founding Action International Pictures (the
other A.I.P., after American International Pictures), director David
A. Prior made a few genre films, including the awful SOV horror flick SLEDGEHAMMER
(1984), the so-so horror/murder mystery KILLER
WORKOUT (1986), the actioners DEADLY
PREY and MANKILLERS
(both 1987) and this one, Prior's first stab at a war action film.
It's a stab in the dark. During the Vietnam War, a platoon of
American soldiers are being held captive and tortured at a gook
P.O.W. camp (the camp looks flimsy and barren, like it was thrown
together in someone's backyard with sticks and chicken wire),
where the VC interrogator (Daniel Kong) tries to get the soldiers,
including Sgt. Mitchell (Ted Prior; DEADLY
PREY - 1987) and Sgt. McKenna (Fritz Matthews; KILLER
WORKOUT - 1986), to spill their guts about upcoming troop
movements. When no one will talk, the interrogator shoots one of the
soldiers in the head (offscreen) and American traitor Crawford (David
James Campbell; EVIL ALTAR
- 1988) has a gook soldier beat Sgt. McKenna with a bamboo pole and
throw him in the "Box". All the other American soldiers
know that, for some reason, McKenna is "not right in the
head" and begin in-fighting with Mitchell for continually
defending him. While in the box, McKenna has flashbacks to happier
times with his wife and child and Mitchell keeps talking to him
through the box to try and keep him sane. It doesn't work. McKenna
sinks deeper and deeper into madness (Flashbacks reveal that Crawford
may or may not be responsible for his wife's murder) and escapes from
the P.O.W. camp, but we then learn that this whole "P.O.W."
experience was just a training exercise and that the camp is actually
on American soil. Too bad McKenna has gone totally bonkers and
believes he is still in Vietnam. He begins killing people he
perceives as the enemy and Crawford has no choice but to hunt him
down and kill him before more innocent people are killed and he has
to take responsibility for it all. Mitchell tries his hardest to find
McKenna and make him realize that the entire exercise is a fake,
while Crawford tries to cover his ass by tearing down the phony
P.O.W. camp and forming a posse using the American P.O.W. soldiers.
McKenna begins booby-trapping the American forest, putting the
soldiers', as well as tourists and bootleggers', lives at stake. Who
will stop him first: his friend Mitchell or the dastardly
Crawford? If film had an odor, KILLZONE would reek worse
than the hairy armpits of an Italian dock worker during the month of
August. It's not only badly acted by everyone involved (Ted Prior
would improve slightly as the years progressed), but the action set
pieces are so badly choreographed, a blind man could have done a
better job. Director/co-screenwriter David A. Prior has made many
stinkers in his career (NIGHT
WARS - 1988; RAPID
FIRE - 1989 and WHITE FURY
- 1990 anyone?), along with an occasional entertaining one (FUTURE
FORCE - 1989; THE LOST PLATOON
- 1989), but KILLZONE is that rare example where absolutely
nothing works. It will put you to sleep faster than a double dose of
Ambien. Avoid it al all costs unless you are a glutton for punishment
or are just too retarded to understand a word I have written. Also
starring Rick Massery (Also the Acting Coach. For shame, for shame),
William Zipp, Jack Marino (also the Producer and co-screenwriter),
Richard Brailford, Charles Venniro and Larry Udy. A Vestron
Video VHS Release. Not available on DVD. Not Rated.
EVIL
IN THE WOODS (1986) - Proof
positive that any amateur production can get a home video release.
After a long opening credits sequence (where over 25
"actors" are listed), we are introduced to precocious
pre-teen Billy (who at one point has to stop dead in his tracks to
avoid walking directly into the camera!) as he goes into a library
and checks-out a book titled "Evil In The Woods". After
being questioned about the Dewey Decimal System by the prim and
proper librarian (who wears a pair of oversized eyeglasses with red
frames), Billy is able to take the book home, but not after being
told by the librarian that the book is due back Friday...the 13th!
Billy takes to book to his bedroom, which is decorated with an Iron
Maiden poster (really?), lots of action figures (including C3PO, the
Frankenstein Monster and the Mummy) and something really angry
trapped in his closet that it is nearly rattling the door off its
hinges. Billy ignores the thing in the closet, eats some
milk and cookies and begins reading the book. The story takes place
"Somewhere near Mildew, Georgia 1956", where a greaser is
attacked in his car by something unknown. The story then shifts to
the present, to nearby Atlanta, where a movie, "Bigfoot Vs. The
Space Killers", is being filmed. Business executive Sam takes
his mistress Angel to the lake for the weekend of "fun"
(i.e. Sex. Should a little boy even be reading this story?). The cast
and crew of the film gather-up all their equipment and move the
production to a location in the middle of the woods, near the town of
Mildew (They pass the greaser's corpse and his car from way back in
1956, which brings up a whole lotta unanswered questions by the
audience, the main one being: Why hasn't anyone spotted this
before?). As The filmmakers try to get a shot in the can, where a man
in a shabby Bigfoot suit kills Sam and chases Angel, a little boy,
also named Billy, who is camping in the woods with his mother and
father, is kidnapped by the Pierson clan, a family of inbred
cannibals. The Sheriff of Mildew recommends that the parents contact
a witch named Ida if they want to get their son back, so he gives
them a map to her house which is also in the middle of the woods. Ida
serves the parents tea (out of a mason jar, the wine glasses of the
Deep South) and tells them to come back at dawn, unaware that little
Billy is in pieces in Ida's refrigerator! To make an extremely long
and boring story mercifully short, more and more members of the film
crew are captured by the Pierson clan (one of its members wears a
life jacket around his neck) and eaten or kept in cages, while Ida
hopes to kill the rest of the film crew using a magic spell, that
turns the cannibal clan into a bunch of paper mache monsters. And
what about Billy, the book and the thing in the closet? Let's just
say Billy has a surprise for his parents when they come home.
Awful, simply awful. One-shot wonder director/producer/screenwriter
William J. Oates hasn't got a clue on what makes a film watchable, as EVIL
IN THE WOODS is a complete incoherent mess full of jumpy
edits, bad sound recording, wildly out-of-place music, HEE-HAW
[1969 - 1993]-style narration; title cards that serve no other
purpose than to hide the fact that director Oates forgot to shoot
footage to bridge scenes; acting that can best be described as
desperate; barebones sets (the same wood paneled wall is used for at
least three different sets); and makeup effects that are so low rent,
they make any early H.G. Lewis film look absolutely polished in
comparison. This film seems to have a cult following, probably due to
word-of-mouth (most likely from people with even less teeth than
brains), but I'm sure if those people actually saw the damned thing,
their opinions would change in a millisecond. The film screams
"amateur hour" and contains gay jokes, a splash of blood
and gore here and there, drug use, no nudity, 80's style big hair;
and professes to show what goes on behind the scenes of a low-budget
horror film, but I doubt Mr. Oates has ever been on the set of a film
before making this turd, and it shows. Boring with a capital PU.
Don't bother. Starring Stephanie Kaskel, Schelli Marie Barbaro, Brian
Abent, Browder Denniston, Kerry Minton and twenty other people
(including two midgets) that you will never see again (many of them
serving double duty in various positions behind the camera). A
Fantasy Factory Film that was released on VHS by Cinevest, Inc.
Available on DVD & Limited
Edition VHS from boutique label Massacre
Video. Not Rated.
THE
HITCHHIKER (2007) - Another
cheapjack production from The Asylum,
this one made to cash-in and fool renters into believing that they
were watching THE HITCHER
(2007) remake. Jack (Jeff Denton; KING
OF THE LOST WORLD - 2005) is traveling down a lonely stretch
of highway when he picks up hitchhiker Felix (Dane Hanson) so he can
engage in some conversation (it seems there is no radio reception in
the area). Felix tells Jack that he writes porno reviews on the
internet and everything is going swell until Felix blurts out,
"Are you into dudes?" Faster than you can say "Richard
Simmons", Jack kicks Felix out of his pickup truck. Felix
doesn't know how lucky he is, because a few more miles down the road,
Jack stops his pickup truck to reveal that he has a female prisoner
tied-up and ball-gagged in the back of his truck under a tarp. He
pulls her out, removes her ball gag and proceeds to dig a grave while
she screams uselessly for help. Meanwhile, four hot
young girls, Melinda (Sarah Lieving; FRANKENSTEIN
REBORN - 2005), Denise (Shaley Scott; SUPERCROC
- 2007), Krista (Jessica Bork; INVASION
OF THE POD PEOPLE - 2007) and Patty (Sarah Hall; WHEN
A KILLER CALLS - 2006), are traveling down the same stretch
of highway complaining about the lack of radio reception (Jesus
Christ, have they never heard of CDs or MP3s?), when they stupidly
pick up Jack, who is hitch-hiking in the middle of the night (These
girls deserve whatever bad stuff is coming their way). Of course,
something goes wrong with their car, forcing the girls and Jack to
check into an out-of-the-way motel, where Jack begins to play mind
games with the girls, especially the married Melinda. While the three
other girls get drunk, guess the size of Jack's cock and hit on Jack,
Melinda tries to be the social conscience of the group, because she
knows Jack is bad news. When the tow truck driver (director Leigh
Scott) shows up early the next morning, Jack makes him drive to his
pickup truck, where he shoots the driver and returns to the motel.
Jack drugs the girls by serving them drug-spiked alcohol and when
Melinda wakes up, her three girlfriends are nowhere to be found. the
motel manager (James Ferris) is dead with his head caved in and Jack
is waiting for her. He takes her to a motel room completely lined
with plastic sheeting, where her three girlfriends are tied-up and
gagged. Jack gets all HOSTEL
on their asses, torturing, raping and killing them one-by-one until
only Melinda is left. Do I really need to go on? This ugly,
cheap film, directed and written by Leigh Scott (THE
BEAST OF BRAY ROAD - 2005 [probably his best film]; HILLSIDE
CANNIBALS - 2006; TRANSMORPHERS
- 2007) is a typical no-budget production from The Asylum. It uses
minimal locations (just a stretch of desert highway and the motel),
defies all common sense (When the girls escape from the
plastic-covered motel room, they quickly decide to return to kill
Jack, but their hesitation to do so once back in the room causes one
girl to get shot and another to get hit by a truck) and moves at a
pace that would try the patience of a snail. It also contains one big
blunder that wasn't caught in the editing stage: When Jack shoots the
tow truck driver on what is supposed to be a deserted stretch of
highway, we can distinctly see the reflection of the sun hitting the
windshield of a passing car (any editor would have to be blind to
miss it, which leads me to believe that they left it in hoping no one
would notice). While Jeff Denton and the female cast are fine in
their roles, they are woefully underwritten (Jack's reason for being
psychotic? His girlfriend cheated on him! Jesus, if every male
decided to turn serial killer because of this situation, there would
be no good men left!). The violence, though bloody, consists of a few
gunshots to the head and body and some stabbings. Nothing to write
home about. While there is some nudity on view, none of it is the
least bit titillating as most of it is prefaced by rape or death. Not
worth your time, especially after the stupid shock ending that plays
the audience for a fool. Also starring Alexandra Boylan, Erica Roby,
Griff Furst and David Shick. An Asylum Home Entertainment DVD
Release. Not Rated.
THE
CHOKE (2005) - The Choke are an
up-and-coming punk rock band who are about to go through a lot of
bloody drama. Band member Mike (Jason McKee), who was about to quit
the group with fellow band member Dylan (Sean Cook) and form their
own group, is murdered in his van when someone rams a power drill
through the front seat, spilling Mike's blood all over the inside of
the windshield. When Mike doesn't show up for their latest gig at Guy
Thompson's (Andrew Parker) nightclub, Club 905, lead singer Dylan,
drummer Nancy Boy (Tom Olson) and female bassist London (Brooke
Bailey), continue to set up for the show with Dylan's younger brother
Elliot (Sam Prudhomme) videotaping
the entire proceedings for a rock documentary. When Guy's club runs
out of alcohol (the club is more like an abandoned warehouse than a
nightclub), most of the patron's leave, so Dylan's girlfriend Jonesy
(Wonder Russell), Starr (Bee Simonds) and Elliot go to the basement
to get more booze, but what they find instead is Guy's latest female
conquest slaughtered, with her breasts mangled and her entrails
laying on her lap like some spaghetti dinner. The ragtag group find
themselves trapped in the club, along with a bum (Damon Abdallah) who
slices Guy's face with a piece of glass. The question soon becomes:
Who is the killer, as any remaining member of The Choke, as welll as
Guy and the women, could be the murderer? London is a goth chick who
is obsessed with death; Nancy Boy is always threatening to kill
someone; Dylan is so self-obsessed it wouldn't surprise anyone if he
is dispatching everyone out of spite; and Guy owns the place, so why
doesn't he have the keys to unlock the doors? When Mike's body is
discovered tied to an amplifier with his heart drilled out and no one
has a cell phone with them (which I find hard to swallow, even in
2005), the group gets knocked-off one-by-one (using musical
instruments as weapons) until the killer is revealed. Speaking of the
killer's identity: Be pre-prepared to make sure any throwable object
is not within your reach, as you will surely want to toss something
at your TV screen once the killer is revealed (mainly in disgust). THE
CHOKE (also known under the generic title AXE
[which actually has two meanings if you use one in the musical
sense]) is exactly what's wrong with most modern DTV horror. Director
Juan A. Mas (co-director of the equally lame horror flick THE
CORONER - 1999) and screenwriters Jessica Dolan &
Susannah Christine Lowber fill the film with self-referential and
sarcastic dialogue that no punk rocker would get caught dead
repeating. There are references to Shakespeare, dead kittens, the
fact that Dylan's girlfriend Jonesy is a virgin (Why the hell would
the vain Dylan have a virgin for a girlfriend, especially for two
years?) and not one bit of it works here. It all seems rather forced
and fake. Even Henry Rollins would have a problem spitting out this
dialogue. There are a few bloody killings, but most of the carnage is
shown after the fact. We never see Mike penetrated with the drill,
the spiked guitar strike on London as she tries to escape through a
crawlspace, Nancy Boy getting sliced with a sharpened cymbal and
finished off with a drumstick to his eye, Dylan impaled on a piece of
rebar, the bum getting whacked over-and-over with an axe or Guy
getting castrated. We only get to see the after-effects, including
Mike with his own balls stuffed in his mouth. It's all done rather
cheaply and unconvincingly. When the killer is unmasked, the
motivation for the killings comes totally out of left field, making
the viewer feel they have been cheated. What's the point of having a
killer target a specific group of people if the audience is not
allowed any clues or to sleuth along with the victims? In other
words, THE CHOKE choked on its
own reliance of "hipness", which is neither hip or
believable. A total waste of your time. Also starring Jon Fowler and
David R. Johnson. A Velocity Home Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.
FLESH,
TX. POP. 666 (2009) - Come and
meet the Barley Family. Just a regular bunch of inbred Texas cannibal
psychos who think murder and mutilation is a basic right (You know,
just like those Tea Party members who believe it is their God-given
right to bring semi-automatic weapons to rallies?). We are first
introduced to the Barley's when Ma Barley (Wendy Crawford) and her
beautiful daughters Sugar (producer/co-writer Kathleen Benner), Fancy
(Davina Joy) and butt-ugly pregnant daughter Butter (Amy Searcy)
welcome a married interracial couple shilling for the Church of the
Latter Day Saints into their home, only to have Sugar cut the man's
throat with a knife and the other girls bash-in the brains of the
overweight black wife. Sugar then teases her halfwit mullet-headed
brother Woody (Jose Rosete) and heads out on the highway in her
cut-off shorts and tight tee-shirt, hitch-hiking and looking for
victims. Two out-of-town bikers, Darrin (Ralph
Randolph) and Dustin (Matt Michalek) stop at a local bar to wet their
whistles (and learn that the bar only serves Pabst Blue Ribbon and a
special reserve of Schaefer's beer!) and Sugar talks Darrin into
taking her back to her house for a "home cooked meal" (and,
if he's lucky, "a little Sugar for dessert"). Since we've
all seen THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
(1974) more times than we care to admit, when Ma Barley says,
"Heat up the oven to 325. We're having company for dinner!",
I think we all know what she really means. After meeting the rest of
the Barley women (Fancy shakes Darrin's hand and then masturbates in
front of him while smelling her hand!), Darrin has seen enough
weirdness and wants to leave, but then he meets the male members of
the Barley family, including retard Woody and Pa Barley (Dale
Denton), who chops Darrin up with an axe and eat him for dinner. We
are then introduced to divorced mother Donna Parker (Eleni C.
Krimitos) and her bratty daughter Tabitha (Jada Kline), who stop in
the title town for some gas and a bathroom break. Sugar talks the
bitchy Tabitha into ditching her mother and coming home with her (to
listen to Wayne Newton records!), while Donna has to deal with an
uncooperative Sheriff (who just happens to be Pa Barley!) when
reporting her daughter missing (Donna notices an unusually large
amount of missing persons posters on the Sheriff's office wall).
Donna refuses to leave town, so Sheriff Barley has his deputy,
Francine (Roxana Holzapfel) follow her around. The Barley's plan on
eating Tabitha for Sunday dinner (which is a couple of days away) and
town drunk Henry (Joe Estevez, who has made a career doing cameos in
low-budget crap like this) warns Donna about Sugar and the rest of
the Barley clan. Tabitha becomes friends with the stuttering Woody
(yes, he's retarded and stutters!), while Donna sneaks into the
Barley home looking for her daughter. Will mother and daughter be
reunited or will they both end up as missing persons posters on
Sheriff Barley's wall? Don't think too hard, otherwise your brain
might explode at all the inconsistencies this film has to offer
(including one of the most pathetic catfights I have ever seen).
There's not much I can say to defend this piss-poor shot-on-video
horror flick, directed by Guy Crawford (THE
CATCHER - 2000; AUTOPSY:
A LOVE STORY - 2002; DARK PLACES
- 2005) and co-written by Crawford and star Kathleen Benner. The
editing and sound recording are particularly rote, changing from
scene-to-scene and the background noises drowning-out some of the
dialogue. There are so many other things wrong with this film, like
it is obvious that this "small town" in Texas is anything
but (check out the gas station scene for proof) and the fact that
Sheriff Barley is wearing a police uniform that has "Los Angeles
County" patches on the sleeves and no one seems to notice! It's
just sloppy filmmaking, plain and simple, with a total disregard to
the viewer's intelligence. To add insult to injury, the gore and
makeup effects are nearly nonexistent considering the subject matter
and besides the sliced throat in the beginning of the film, the
camera always pulls away just as the "money shot" is about
to be delivered. Why make a film about a cannibal clan and leave out
the cannibalism? The film tries a little too hard to be quirky and
funny, but it all comes across as forced because the cast is not up
to the task (some of the acting would make Ed Wood blush in
embarassment). Save your hard-earned rental bucks and avoid this film
like the plague. Rent the similarly-themed BLOOD
RANCH (2005) instead, because it's got the goods that this
film promises, but fails to deliver. A total waste from beginning to
end. Also starring Klor Rowland, Blake Laramie, Matt Robinson and Pat
Giglio as Sonny Barley, the deformed mutant son who is kept chained
in the barn. A Well Go USA DVD Release. Not Rated.
ATTACK
OF THE GIANT LEECHES (2008) -
Here's something we really needed: A useless Grade Z remake of the 1959
Bernard L. Kowalski-directed horror quickie (starring the tragic
Yvette Vickers). I think Roger Ebert once pondered why we are
remaking popular films when there are so many bad, unknown films that
could use a good retelling. Well, Roger, here's the reason why. The
story opens with old coot Grundy Miller (Gary Peterson) walking
through the swamp and coming upon a camp of three girls in bikini
tops and short-shorts (one of the girls has a pronounced belly). The
film then stops dead in its tracks for a few minutes as we watch the
camera focus on the girls shooting, drinking or pouring water over
each other (in super slow-motion) while Grundy spies on them and
salivates (Not once do the girls take their bikini tops off, so
what's the point?). Then Grundy's cell phone goes off (One of the
girls says, "Did you hear something?" and the big-bellied
girl burps and says, "Yeah, that!" They all laugh. I wanted
to punch all three in the face.) and he runs off to answer it. A
giant leech jumps
out of the swamp water and attaches itself to Grundy's crotch, but
he manages to free himself with a few well-placed shots with the butt
of his rifle. He runs to the home of Walter (Jody Haucke), a
restauranteur whom Grundy supplies illegal game for his menus, to
tell him about the giant leeches (and to show him the hole in the
crotch of his pants!), but Walter doesn't believe him and tells
Grundy to get back to the swanp and shoot him some menu items. Walter
has more serious problems. His ball-breaking wife, Mary (Shawna
McSheffrey), is cheating in him with nearly every man in town and she
flaunts it in Walter's face. When a local man is found bled dry with
large sucker marks all over his body, local game warden Scott (Mark
Courneyea, here using the name "Mike Conway") and his
girlfriend, oceanographer Gracie (Kerri Draper), head out into the
federally-protected swamplands and notice a lack of any animal life
in the area (That is when they are not arguing about their personal
lives. I wanted to punch both of them in the face.). They come upon
the three female campers and warn them to be careful (Nothing, and I
mean nothing happens during this entire sequence). Mary has an
illicit interlude with Ray (Ray Besharah) in the marsh and is caught
red-handed by Walter, who forces them at gunpoint to walk in the
water, where Mary and Ray are attacked by the giant leeches and
dragged away. Walter tries to explain to local cop Bucky (Kevin
Preece) what happened, but he doesn't believe him and leads a bunch
of Canadian rednecks on a search of the lake, which turns up nothing.
As more people end up dead or missing, Gracie's scientist father
tries throwing explosives into the lake to drive the leeches to the
surface. When that doesn't work, Scott and Gracie head to the
leeches' nest, thanks to a homing device planted in a cooler of
blood. I don't know about you, but I'm rooting for the leeches.
They don't come much worse than this, folks. This Ottowa,
Canada-lensed ultra-cheapie is all talk and very little action.
Director Brett Kelly (THE
FERAL MAN - 2002; THE BONESETTER
- 2003; PREY FOR THE BEAST
- 2007; JURASSIC SHARK -
2012) and screenwriter Jeff O'Brien (INSECTICIDAL
- 2005) seem to think that a horror film consists of overlong
dialogue scenes with no payoff. The leeches themselves are large
inanimate rubber concoctions pulled through the water on fishing line
(look closely and you can spot it) and when they attack (probably
with someone's hand and arm inside), it is obvious that the actors
struggle with them like they would if they were being attacked by a
stuffed animal or ventriloquist's dummy. The shot-on-digital video
look of the film is flat and lifeless and the less-than-professional
acting (with obvious Canadian accents, eh?) doesn't help the
proceedings, especially with the ridiculous dialogue they have to
spew ("This is how a man handles things. Short and sweet!").
If you see this for rental on Netflix or at a retail store, pass it
by because, like the leeches, it sucks. Why remake a bad film
and make it worse than the original? Also starring Barry Caiger,
Alissa Pritchard, Laura White, Diane Camelin, Mark Singleton and
Trevor Payer. A Midnight Releasing DVD
Release. Not Rated, but since there is no nudity and very
little blood or violence, why bother?
SKY
RISK COMMANDOS (FIRE STORM)
(1983) - This one's a real rarity (which doesn't necessarily make
it good viewing): A Korean-made Air Force actioner released by Joseph
& Betty Lai's IFD Films And Arts Limited production outfit that's
not their usual cut-and-paste pastiche film (Hell, Lai didn't even
produce this.) and wasn't directed by Godfrey Ho or Lai's stable of
other directors, although the opening credits are full of Angelicized
pseudonyms ("Directed by Harold Wayne". Written by Herb
Slott. And starring such well-known actors as Rony Wood, Pierre Falk,
Barbara Young, Clement York and Rico Costello, yet I failed to spot
one "round eye" on-screen). Here's the
plot in a nutshell: An over-the-hill former Air Force pilot is
pulled-off the front line (the war they are fighting is never
mentioned by name, but it is obvious to anyone but the most
incompetant that it has to do with the conflict between North and
South Korea) and ordered by his superiors to train four young hotshot
pilots the finer points of the art of war and flying jets into the
heart of enemy territory. The old coot (he's 52 years old!) doesn't
want to take the job (he would rather go back to the front lines!),
but he has no choice, so he makes life as hard as possible for the
four young'uns, denying them such basics as food, sleep and a social
life until they fall in line and learn to work together as a team.
Trouble ensues when one of the young pilots falls in love with the
old coot's sister (who is clearly half her brother's age, proving
that their mother would either make her husband use a condom or only
got in the "mood" twice in twenty-five years!), another
loses his will to fly and yet another has a sister who is in love
with an enemy official, the same guy who is responsible for their
father's death! When the old coot suffers a serious back injury by
parachuting out of a jet that is about to crash due to the stupidity
of one of his students, he is grounded permanently and becomes a
drunk (it doesn't last long). He makes his sister marry the hotshot
young pilot (over the phone!), just before the pilot is sent on a
mission and shot down behind enemy lines (surprise, surprise!). The
old coot defies orders and leads the other three pilots on a rescue
mission, saving the young pilot, but the old coot dies in the
process. He still manages to land the jet safely with his last dying
breath, though! This is a slow-moving, badly-dubbed film that
is more interested in soap opera than action. When the action finally
appears (around the 45-minute mark), it is clear that most of the jet
action is culled from stock footage of Korean jets in the air,
intercut with footage of the cast sitting in cockpits of jets that
are obviously not moving, never mind flying in the air! This is a
bloodless, nudity-free production that, quite frankly, screams out
for some of the patented Godfrey Ho/Joseph Lai newly-shot inserts
that would, in a year or two, become their trademarks and continue
onto the early-90's in such film as MAJESTIC
THUNDERBOLT (1984); SCORPION
THUNDERBOLT (1985) and the dozens and dozens of films with
"Ninja" in their titles, such as NINJA
TERMINATOR (1986) and GOLDEN
NINJA WARRIOR (1986). The action here is limp and uneventful
(I get the feeling that, in its original form, this was a South
Korean propaganda film or an Air Force recruitment film), the love
story is boring (not to mention chaste) and the awful dubbing isn't
even good enough for a cheap laugh. Avoid it at all costs, although I
doubt you will ever find this film unless you specifically look for
it (and why would you?). Also starring Gerald Wing (c'mon now!), Anna
Lee, Alex Sue, Norman King, Jeffrey Blair, Tom Yung, George Wrick and
Joe Brittan. Never available legitimately on U.S. home video; the
print I viewed was sourced from the Greek-subtitled VHS tape on the
Key Video Production label. Not Rated, but nothing objectionable.
DON'T
GO IN THE WOODS (2009) - Holy
crap! I loved actor Vincent D'Onofrio on the late (and lamented) LAW
& ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT (2001 - 2011), but, my god,
what in the world was he smoking here when he decided to direct (and
write the story to) a musical horror film where the horror doesn't
come into play until the last ten minutes of the film? The film opens
with an all-male band, led by Nick (Matt Sbeglia, who is a terrible
actor), driving to the woods to record five original songs (music by
Bo Boddie [who also stars] and Sam Bisbee [also one of the
producers]) without the distraction of the outside world (D'Onofrio
can be heard singing on the radio during their road trip). Once they
get to the woods (where a "Don't Go In The Woods" sign can
be seen), Nick makes everyone give up all their cell phones, so there
are no distractions (Instead of just turning the phones off, he
chops them into pieces with an axe!). Little do they know that there
is a psycho all dressed in black (black trenchcoat, hat and mask
coveringing his face) and he is carrying a sledgehammer. The band is
an eclectic group, including an oriental and a blind guy and they all
get to sing, but when their girlfriends (and a French girl who can't
speak English) suddenly show up (they've been following the guys the
entire time), Nick gets a case of the "fuck you's" and
wants the girls gone the next morning so they can continue recording
new songs. When their car won't start (one of the girls is killed by
the psycho), they are forced to stay with the guys, which pisses-off
Nick even more. To make a long story short, it turns out Nick
actually hired the killer (or, alternately, Nick is actually the
killer, but that theory doesn't seem to hold water since people
actually see the psycho and Nick at the same time) and he wanted to
record the five new songs and kill the entire band and keep the songs
for himself. Now he also has to have the psycho kill all the girls.
He does just that and delivers the EP to a record executive (a cameo
by Eric Bosogian, probably as a favor to D'Onofrio since they both
starred on LAW
& ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT), who predicts the EP will be a
smash hit. The name of the EP? "Don't Go In The Woods".
Give me a fucking break! The major problem is that everyone
speaks most of their dialogue in song and most of the songs sound
exactly alike (it's like alternative emo folk rock). We see the
psycho stalking the woods throughout the film, but most of the gore
doesn't come until the final ten minutes, where people are pounded in
the head with a sledgehammer (the poor French girl spurts blood from
her head like a water fountain), one band member has his musical
recorder embedded in his throat (every time he breathes, a note can
be heard playing), another band member has the front of his face
caved-in (a well-done effect), a bloody body in a sleeping bag is
seen hanging from a tree and the final girl has chunks of flesh
pulled from her back. The most ridiculous scene comes at the finale,
where Nick and the final girl are running from the killer and Nick
stops dead in his tracks to sing a song that he just thought up! (The
sequence seems to imply that Nick is actually the killer, as the
editing shows him clean, then bloody, then clean again, but it just
doesn't make any sense when compared to the rest of the film. It's
like D'Onofrio wants us to believe he's directing a horror version of FIGHT
CLUB - 1999.). Nick ends up killing the (imaginary?)
mysterious psycho with his own sledgehammer and then watches the girl
slowly die. They don't come much worse than this. I hope D'Onofrio
learned his lesson and stays with acting, where his weird demeanor
fits the screen perfectly. It just doesn't fit as director of a
musical horror film. This is not a remake of director James Bryan's DON'T
GO IN THE WOODS (1981), even if they share the same name.
Also starring Soomin Lee, Gwynn Galitzer, Jorgen Jorgenson, Tim
Lajcik, Kate O'Malley, Casey Smith, Nick Thorp, Ali Tobia and
Cassandra Walker. This feature was lensed on D'Onofrio's own
property. A New Video Group DVD Release (It also got a showing at the
Tribeca Film Festival). I viewed it it on one of the Showtime pay
cable networks. Not Rated.
RISE
OF THE ANIMALS (2011) -
Here's a film that is so bad, I'm embarassed to say I watched it. It
has CGI (by Chris Vranos) that makes the work done by Scott Coulter
for those SyFy Original Movies look like James Cameron films, puppets
(by Jacob T. Emery) that make the Muppets look human, physical gore
effects that must have cost $1.99, a screenplay that could be written
on one side of a napkin (and a used napkin at that), a music
soundtrack that makes director Chester T. Turner's BLACK
DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL (1984) Casio soundtrack sound like a
John Williams orchestra and acting so horrendous, even kindergarten
children would boo and hiss. For reasons not explained (why bother?),
animals of all types begin attacking and killing humans, as we
witness by the first scene where a mother is attacked by her cat, so
she hits it (an obvious stuffed animal) with a frying pan and stuffs
it down the kitchen sink garbage disposal (Would a cat even fit in
the drain?). She then goes
outside to save her son, only to be attacked and killed by a dog (a
real one that wags its tail and looks about as harmless as a baby
holding a sledgehammer), the son having a bucket of blood thrown on
him with the wagging tail dog chasing him. We then meet pizza
delivery boy Wolf (Greg Hoople) and his best friend Jake (Adam
Schonberg), who have to make one more delivery way out in the woods
before they can go to the movies (Wouldn't Wolf have to return the
money to his pizza joint before he does anything else?). They reach
their destination, a cabin in the woods where an all-girl slumber
party is going on (What are the chances?), where Jake's sister Rachel
(Stephanie Motta) and Wolf's childhood crush Samantha (Nicole
Salisbury) are attending (What are the chances?). Lying that their
van has broken down, Wolf and Jake ask the girls if they can spend
the night (They say yes, because all girls are horny.) and Wolf takes
Samantha out to the van, where they make out and Wolf prematurely
ejaculates when Samantha tries to put a rubber on his dick. The next
morning, Wolf wakes up in the van and Samantha is gone, but she left
her phone behind with a message that she was picked up by someone
else and could he please return her phone. The girls inside the cabin
are attacked by a pack of bloodthirsty deer (really bad puppets) who
break through the balsa wood-thin walls and begin chowing down on the
females (You can actually imagine someone just off camera throwing
buckets of fake blood on the bodies). Wolf, Jake and Rachel take the
van and get out of Dodge, but Wolf wants to stop at Jake and Rachel's
house to pick up a charger for Samantha's phone (Rachel and Samantha
have the same model), since the phone died before he could get the
address where Samantha is. After almost being shot by his grandfather
for changing his shirt and rushing out the door (!), Wolf and the duo
head for Samantha, when a gorilla jumps on the van's roof (a terrible
CGI creation) and tries to rip out Rachel's throat before Wolf closes
the automatic window and cuts off the gorilla's hand (Which brings up
the questions: Where the hell did the gorilla come from? Can an
automatic window closing actually cut off a hand? Why would they have
the windows open in the first place?). They are forced to travel by
canoe, where they are attacked by a pack of bloodthirsty turtles
(really bad puppets and you can see the rods that control them) in
the water. They finally make it to Samantha, only for Wolf to
discover that she already has a boyfriend. They are all attacked by a
bear (another horrible CGI creation), killing Jake, Samantha and her
boyfriend before Rachel cuts its head off with a sword. Wolf and
Rachel decide to head east to Florida, but Wolf drives towards the
sunset. When Rachel reminds him that the sun sets in the west, Wolf
says "Fuck it." THE END. All this badness lies
directly on the shoulders of director/writer/editor/co-producer Chris
Wojcik, this being his first full-length feature fim directorial
effort. If there is a God in Heaven, this will be his last, but since
I am an athiest, I wouldn't count on it. The entire film screams how
cheap it is, from the photography (by Jeremiah Franco, also a
co-producer), special effects (the gunshots sound like cap pistols),
common sense (Rachel gets out of the van at one point and decides to
walk home. This just after witnessing all her girlfriends being
slaughtered by the puppet deer.) and the music (by
"Federal!State!Local!"), especially the end credits song,
which sounds like it was recorded in someone's bathroom. The whole
film was meant to be a comedy, but the line readings by the entire
cast makes it sound like a third-rate vaudeville comic telling jokes
to a drunk, sparse audience. Do yourself a favor and get a
colonoscopy, because it will feel better than watching this film.
Believe me when I say this is one of the worst films I have ever had
the displeasure of viewing (and I have seen thousands). Also starring
Charles Bigelow, Phillip Musumeci, Katie LeVander and Melissa Orioli.
A Midnight Releasing DVD
Release. Not Rated.
2001
MANIACS: FIELD OF SCREAMS
(2010) - What a steaming pile of shit. This film was shot in 12
days for $400,000, but it has the look and feel as if it was filmed
in one night on a drunken dare for $1.99. This sequel to director Tim
Sullivan's 2001 MANIACS
(2004), which was also directed and co-written by Sullivan, doesn't
have one redeeming quality or an ounce of originality. Even Robert
Englund refused to return as deadly Mayor George W. Buckman; this
time replaced by Bill Moseley, who is beginning to appear on a lot of
crap lately. The story is simple: When the Southern sheriff of
Pleasant Valley refuses to cooperate with Buckman and his Confederate
Civil War era cannibalistic group (Which includes an Asian woman and
a black man. What the hell?), taking down the detour sign (spelled
"Detore", which I guess is supposed to be funny because
Southerners can't spell) to lure Northerners to their deaths, Buckman
has the sheriff killed (the old nails in the rolling barrel gag,
which was missing from the first remake) and decides if the North
won't come to Pleasant Valley, they will come to the North. They all
hop on a bus and end up in Iowa (Is that even the North?) where a
reality show called "Road Rascals", about two spoiled and
dumb Paris Hilton/Nicole Ritchie-wannabe sisters, is traveling in an
RV, when it hits the "Detore" sign, giving them two flat
tires. Only having one spare tire and no cell phone service (No cell
phone service in Iowa? C'mon now!), this aggravating group, which
includes the two snotty rich girls (one of them walks around
holding the taxidermied remains of her small dog), their boyfriends
(one of them is a closeted gay man), a lesbian European producer, a
Jewish director, an Hispanic driver and his black girlfriend (How's
that for diversity?), are met by Mayor Buckman, Granny Boone (Lin
Shaye, one of the few returning cast members from the first film) and
their clan. They hold their annual "Guts 'N' Glory
Jamboree", where they slowly (and I mean slowly) beging
murdering and eating the cast and crew of the reality show. One girl
is strapped to a table and has a buzzsaw rip her in half from her
vagina to her head. The lesbian producer has her face ripped off by a
contraption in the Milk Maiden's (Christa Campbell, another returning
cast member) chastity belt. The black girl is hanged by the old
throwing tomatoes (instead of baseballs) at a bullseye gag, which
releases a trap door under her feet (Hey, hasn't this been done
before, but more effectively in director H.G. Lewis' original TWO
THOUSAND MANIACS - 1964?). The Hispanic guy is impaled on a
pitchfork, only to survive (he acts like it is only a minor flesh
wound) and end up decapitated when Buckman slams the bus' hood on his
head. Another guy is electrocuted until his eyes explode out of his
skull. And so one and so one. Truth be told, there is not one
original death in the film that we haven't seen done better a hundred
times before, but we have to put up with some of the worst cases of
humor (a lot of it racist) ever committed to film, including a
cringeworthy bit where Granny Boone leads her cannibal ladies in a
song and dance routine based on the film FLASHDANCE
(1983), substituting the song "Maniac" with one called
"Cannibals", which leads to the question: How would
cannibalistic Civil War Southerners, who rise only one day a year,
know anything about FLASHDANCE?
Everything about this film is below par, from the photography,
editing, music, performances (Bill Moseley is horrible [he sings a
song of his own composition over the end credits and says "Suck
my Dixie" after the credits end] and Lin Shaye looks
embarrassed, which she should be. The rest of the cast, including
returning actor Ryan Fleming as the gay Hucklebilly, who likes to
fuck his stuffed sheep, are annoying as hell and there is not one
victim that has any redeeming quality, so we don't care if they live
or die.) and especially the sound. The dialogue sounds like it was
entirely looped later in a studio, as it really doesn't match the
acoustics of the settings. The finale, where a pregnant Granny Boone
delivers a black baby (Clearly, they used a young black boy about two
years-old for the baby!), is about as funny as watching people jump
to their deaths from a burning building. Do yourself a favor and stay
away from this, but if your must watch it for masochistic reasons,
stay away from the R-Rated version and rent the Unrated Version, as
it doesn't cut away from the gory deaths, adds an entire cannibal
dinner scene not seen in the R-Rated version, extends other scenes
and offers more copious nudity (the only reason I stayed watching
till the end), adding over three minutes to the running time. Unlike
director Tim Sullivan's (DRIFTWOOD
- 2006) first remake, Eli Roth and Scott Spiegel are not listed as
one of the 14 producers here, although the late David F. Friedman
(who passed away in 2011) and the still-living Hershell Gordon Lewis
are listed as Executive Producers. I bet they were both wincing in
pain when they saw how badly this film turned out. At least the first
remake had a professional sheen to it. This sequel offers none of
that. Also starring Nivek Ogre, Morgan Phan, Andrea Leon, Ahmed Best,
Asa Hope, Katy Marie Johnson, Alex Luria, Larayia Gaston, Trevor
Wright, Miles Dougal, Alana Curry, Jordan Yale Levine and Earl
Roesel. A First Look Studios DVD Release (They ceased operations the
same year this film was released. Could there be a connection?
Hmmmm...). Available in R-Rated or Unrated Versions.
STAR
SLAMMER (1986) - Before
he started making soft core porn films under various pseudonyms that
went direct-to-cable, director Fred Olen Ray actually made a few fun
films during the 80's, some of them actually obtaining a theatrical
release (including this one). Unfortunately, STAR
SLAMMER (actually titled "The Adventures Of Taura:
Prison Ship" with "Star Slammer" video generated
beneath it) is not one of those films. It's a kitchen sink sci-fi
women's prison comedy that borrows props, footage and ideas from many
films that came before it. Taura (Sandy Brooke; TERROR
ON ALCATRAZ - 1986) lives on a planet with a trio of midgets
in masks when she is visited by priest Zaal (Johnny Legend; 2001
MANIACS - 2004), who asks her if she has anything to
contribute to his starving planet, which has been ravaged by
the corrupt galaxial government run by The Sovereign (Lindy Skyles).
Before Taura can answer him, they are visited by The Sovereign's
brutal military official Bantor (the late Ross Hagen; WONDER
WOMEN - 1973) and his right hand man Krago (screenwriter
Michael Sonye, who also acts and creates music under the name
"Dukey Flyswatter" in such films as NIGHTMARE
SISTERS - 1987), who kill Zaal and the midgets and capture
Taura after she dissolves Bantor's right hand by shoving it into an
acid crater. Taura is sentenced to seven years on a prison ship by
"The Justice" (John Carradine in a 30 second cameo), where
they have the most anemic female prisoner population ever committed
to film. The ship is run by evil Warden Exene (Marya Gant) and her
even more despicable eyepatch-wearing trustee Muffin (Dawn Wildsmith; FUTURE
FORCE - 1989, who was married to Fred Olen Ray at the time),
who both take joy in torturing their female prisoners. At first,
Taura bumps heads with Mike (Susan Stokey; THE
PHANTOM EMPIRE - 1987, also starring Hagen and Wildsmith),
the leader of the prisoners, but they soon form an alliance to try to
escape the ship when a completely crazy Bantor (now with a robotic
super-strong artificial hand) and a torturer known as "The
Inquisitor" (a scarred-faced Aldo Ray; BLOODY
MOVIE - 1988, who looks miserable here) pay a visit. That's
about the whole story in a nutshell, but the awful borst-belt comedy,
badly choreographed fights and almost total lack of nudity (Taura
goes topless for a few seconds in two scenes, but that's it) do the
film in. Fred Olen Ray borrows a few props from other films, most
notably the head alien in THE
DEADLY SPAWN (1983; the producer of that film, Ted A. Bohus,
gets a "Thanks" during the end credits), not to mention
spaceship battle footage lifted from DARK
STAR (1974) and BATTLE
BEYOND THE STARS (1980), and Sonye's joke-laden script
borrows ideas from much funnier films (including groan-inducing
intercom announcements, ala AIRPLANE
[1980], voiced by this film's producer, Jack H. Harris; EQUINOX
- 1967/1970). The music score, by Anthony Harris (screenwriter and
producer of BEWARE! THE BLOB
[1972] and brother of Jack H. Harris), sounds like a cheap knock-off
of the one found on RAIDERS
OF THE LOST ARK (1981). It's apparent that the entire film
was shot on the cheap and it's painful to watch. It's hard to believe
that people back in the day actually paid to see this in a theater,
not to mention renting it on VHS. It's that bad. Luckily, since I'm a
member of Amazon Prime, I didn't have to pay anything to watch it on
my Roku streaming player. Even though this film carries a 1986
copyright, it was actually filmed in 1984 and not released until
1988. That should tell you something. Also starring Richard Hench,
Bobbie Bresee, Vivian Schilling, Mimi Monaco and Danita Aljuwani.
Originally released on VHS by Vidmark
Entertainment and later released on DVD by Image
Entertainment. Rated R.
BOGGY
CREEK (2010) - Charles B.
Pierce must be turning over in his grave. His G-rated
pseudo-documentary, THE
LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK (1972), was by no means a good film,
but at least it strived to be something different and had a few
creepy, atmospheric scenes. This DTV bastardization ladles on the
gore, but is so full of plot holes, people who you just want to punch
in the face and characters that disappear mid-film, that I see no
reason why this film was made in the first place. The plot is so
simple it could have been written on the head of a pin: A morose girl
named Jennifer Dupree (Melissa Carnell, who I wanted to slap in the
face and say, "Get over it!"), who is reeling from her
beloved father's strange death (he was supposedly hit by a tractor
trailer and mangled beyond recognition) decides to spend some time at
her father's cabin in Boggy Creek with best friend Maya (Shavon
Kirksey). Jennifer is disappointed that Maya
has also invited her godbrother (is there such a thing?) Dave (Damon
Lipari) to go along with them because she just basically wanted to be
alone and suffer in silence. Jennifer becomes even more disappointed
when Dave brings along high-maintenance girlfriend Brooke (Stephanie
Honore, who really grates on your nerves) with him. Jennifer then
becomes even more disappointed when Maya's boyfriend Tommy (Texas
Battle; WRONG TURN 2: DEAD END
- 2007) shows up at the cabin later on. Meanwhile, the Sheriff of
Boggy Creek (Carl Savering) and his Deputy (Frederic Doss) are
investigating a series of brutal murders, where the men are torn
apart (the Deputy pukes his guts out every time he sees one of the
bodies) and the women end up missing. It's apparent to the audience
that a Bigfoot-like creature is responsible (it is shown within the
first five minutes of the film), but the Sheriff denies the creature
exists, even though the Deputy thinks the legend is true. After a
long stretch of film time devoted to Jennifer's disturbed behavior, a
shotgun-carrying neighbor named Casey (Cody Callahan), whose wife
disappeared a year earlier, and shots of boats motoring through the
bayou (the scenery is the best part of the film), the Boggy Creek
creature begins dispatching the cast. First to go is is Brooke, who
jacks Dave's truck when she thinks he is getting too close to
Jennifer. The creature downs a tree in the middle of the road and
carries Brooke away. The next to go is Tommy, who is torn in half
when the creature pins him to a tree (the film's bloodiest moment).
Dave is next when he goes to look for Tommy. The creature tears his
face off with his claws. Maya is then captured by the creature,
leaving Jennifer alone to run through the woods and try to make it to
the highway. Just as she is about to make it, a whole tribe of
creatures emerge from the forest and drag Jennifer away (The
creatures use the women as baby-making machines!). THE END. This
frustrating film, directed, executive produced and co-written by
Brian T. Jaynes (HUMANS VS. ZOMBIES
- 2011, which features many of the actors in this film) is full of
one-note characters who react unrealistically and some of them,
including the Sheriff and the Deputy, disappear in mid-film, never to
be seen again. This is just sloppy writing (Jaynes co-wrote the
screenplay with Jennifer Minar, who was also the Associate Producer),
introducing characters and not knowing what to do with them. While
there is some bloody gore on view, it is nothing spectacular. The
only positive point this film has is some nice scenery (filmed in
Jefferson and Uncertain, Texas) of the bayou and the lush green
vegetation. There's no other reason to bother with this unremarkable,
boring DTV flick. Also featuring Sarah Jenazian, Cody Cal, Bryan
Massee and David Ford as the lead creature (the less said about his
appearance, the better). A Hannover
House DVD Release. Not Rated.
I
SPILL YOUR GUTS (2012) - You
would think with a title like that, the least you would get is
wall-to-wall gore or at least some extreme violence. I'm sorry to say
that this shot-on-digital video effort is amateur hour for the
complete 90-minute running time (counting the 9 minutes of opening
credits and 10 minutes of closing credits) and, for some reason, is
full of minor cult film personalities in quick cameos. This film is
so bad, it should be used as a primer on how not to make a film. The
story begins in a German hospital, where soldier Joe (Bill Walsh)
tells soon-to-be-dead mate Dennis
(Director/producer/writer/editor/special effects technician James
Balsamo; HACK JOB - 2011), who
was shot in the throat by enemy fire, that he's getting a medal and
being shipped back to New York City with an honorable discharge for
saving Dennis' life long enough to get him to the hospital (Truth be
told, Joe did absolutely nothing). Suddenly, Dennis is feeling much
better and all he has is revenge on his mind. He gets out of his
hospital bed, kills
his doctor (Caleb Emerson) and hops on a plane headed for NYC (still
in his hospital gown, but no one seems to notice). Once back in NYC,
Joe is thrown a party by his friends, where everyone gets drunk and
women doff their tops. Dennis, meanwhile, kills a homeless veteran
(musician Andrew W.K.), steals his clothes and puts on a mask made
out of the American flag. Dennis begins murdering nearly everyone he
runs into (but we are not shown the gory killings until after the
fact), working his way towards Joe. Dennis slits the throat of Joe's
father (Bob Socci, who insists that his son call him
"Colonel" rather than "Dad") and then chases Joe
into an auto junk yard, where they get into a fight and Dennis drops
a car on Joe, his guts spilling onto his new white tee-shirt. THE
END. The horror elements of this film are minimal since one-man
wrecking crew James Balsamo seems more interested in throwing in as
many thrash metal songs on the soundtrack as he possibly can. As
Balsamo films New York buildings and scenery (probably without a
proper permit, since they all look to have been shot with a hidden
hand-held camera), a different thrash metal song BLARES on the
soundtrack during and between scenes, while the dialogue (probably
filmed with the cameras' built-in microphone) is so low, you can
barely make out what anyone is saying. While I am sure there are
plenty of fans of this type of music (to me, it all sounds like some
deep-voiced guy with a throat condition slurring his words, while
guitars and drums blare without any discernable melody), Balsamo
seems to concentrate more on the music than he does what is happening
on screen. The slow-moving end credits list about thirty bands that
play during the film (about 90% that I never heard of or would never
want to hear from again) and you'll see Balsamo and his relatives'
names listed on the technical end more than any other last name. The
Iraq war scenes look like they were filmed at a local beach (most of
the film was lensed in Islip, NY), because sand in the desert looks
nothing like sand on a beach. I can see why Lloyd Kaufman makes a ten
second cameo as Dennis' father, because this was partially financed
by Troma Films (Kaufman probably chipped in $100), but it doesn't
explain why actress Lynn Lowry (I
DRINK YOUR BLOOD - 1971), who plays a TV weather girl for
about five seconds, Donald Farmer (director of VAMPIRE
COP - 1990), who plays a TV news anchor, Joel M. Reed
(director of BLOODSUCKING FREAKS
a.k.a. THE INCREDIBLE
TORTURE SHOW - 1976), who plays a Korean War vet with a big
mouth and Tim Ritter (director of KILLING
SPREE - 1987), who plays "Tim", would appear in
such crap like this. Hey, I know that most of them aren't the best
directors, but this film makes any of their movies look like
masterpieces in comparison. They all must have owed Lloyd Kaufman
mighty big favors. Carmine Capobianco, who starred in such crap as PSYCHOS
IN LOVE (1987) and CEMETERY HIGH
(1988), plays the detective on the case (who is decapitated
[off-screen] with a pair of garden shears by Dennis) and Troma
regular Joe Fleishaker (TERROR
FIRMER - 1999) plays Dave the Landlord, who hands over the
apartment keys to Dennis after commenting that he thought he was
dead. Also featuring wrestler Balls Mahoney (real name: Jonathan
Rechner, who passed away at age 44 on April 12, 2016), Frank Mullen,
Dave Brockie (a.k.a. "Oderus Urungus" of the band GWAR),
Debbie Rochon (blink and you'll miss her), Tim Dax and Edward X.
Young (MR. HUSH -
2011). If you are like me, the only thing this film accomplishes is
giving you a severe headache. An Acid Bath Productions DVD Release. Unrated.
PSYCHO
SLEEPOVER (2009) -
Sometimes I think I need my head examined. I keep buying these Troma
DVDs in hope of discovering another gem like TERROR
FIRMER (1999) or FATHER'S
DAY (2011), but 99.9% of the time it turns out to be cheap,
substandard horror flicks like this one. The film opens in 1985 in a
city called Murderton ("Population 5017 and dropping"),
where teenagers Debbie Dickey (Rachel Castillo) and Carl Sandersberg
(Paul Rust) are sitting on a couch watching TV, while a reporter (a
cameo by Felissa Rose; SLEEPAWAY CAMP
- 1983) warns orientals that a serial killer is out to murder them (A
horrendous attempt at humor, but the whole film is just one awful
joke after another). Debbie is a virgin and will only allow Carl to
give her "Eskimo kisses" (where they rub noses together!),
but Carl wants to go further and have Debbie give him a blowjob.
Debbie is worried about pregnancy or an STD and Carl replies,
"You can't get preggers from a blo-jo!". The doorbell rings
and no one is there. The phone then rings and circus music is playing
on the other end. Suddenly, Debbie is being chased by someone wearing
a clown costume and carrying an axe. Debbie runs out of the house,
with the clown not far behind, and she stabs the clown in the crotch
with a knife and he falls down some stairs. Debbie unmasks the clown
and it turns out to
be Carl, who says, "I only wanted a blowjob!" Debbie then
asks Carl if he has any STDs and he says no. He asks why and Debbie
says "Because I'm about to be covered in your blood!" as
she hacks away at him with the axe (Don't expect any gore, just lots
of blood being tossed by someone offscreen onto Debbie). One year
later, the 16 year-old Debbie (actress Rachel Castillo clearly looks
to be in her mid-20's) is invited by popular girls Ginny (Emilia
Richeson), Sally (Ariel Teal Toombs) and Ugly Jen (Frankie Frain; a
fat male with a retainer who dresses in women's clothing) to come to
their sleepover party that night. Debbie accepts and goes home to
tell her mother (Lenore Cutler), where we find out that Debbie's
father was a serial killer and her mother has invited psychiatrist
Dr. Thomas Algernon (Tom Adrian Villalobos) to come talk to her.
Instead of asking her pertinent questions, Dr. Algernon hits on
Debbie and slides his business card down her pants before he leaves.
Once at the sleepover, it become apparent that this is going to be a
deadly night, because Ginny finds Dr. Algernon's card and calls him
up to invite him to the party. The good doctor mentions the address
to the bunch of psychos he is watching over and walks out of the
mental institution, not locking the door. Head psycho Mr. Danny
Glover (Thom Sigsby), who walks around with a talking sock puppet (I
told you this was going to be bad), lets all the other psychos out of
the institution and they head over to Ginny's house (They first go to
the wrong address and kill a man wearing pink underwear and holding a
tiny dog). Meanwhile, horny teens Jeremy (Ryan Martin) and Flick
(Todd Pritchett), who has never had an erection, spy though Ginny's
windows after learning of the sleepover. As the psychos arrive at
Ginny's house, it is revealed that Ginny, Sally and Ugly Jen are also
psychotic killers and want Debbie to join them since her father was a
serial killer and she killed Carl a year earlier. Debbie says no and
suddenly the entire inside of the house is covered in plastic (Where
in the hell did they find time to do that? I think since because they
were filming at a real house, they didn't want to have to pay the
cleaning bills for removing fake blood from the walls and carpets.).
A mysterious man in a grey cape and hood saves Debbie's life. It
turns out that he is actually Dr. Algernon and he wants this to be
the final living night for all the psychos in town (Even though Ginny
stabs him in the stomach and steps on the knife handle for good
measure, he returns later on as if nothing happened!). Long story
short, Ugly Jen has his/her face torn off by one of the
institutionalized psychos, Debbie kills Sally, Flick finally gets an
erection when a big-breasted black woman stabs him repeatedly, Dr.
Algernon kills both Mr. Danny Glover and his sock puppet and Ginny
shoots Jeremy and Dr. Algernon in the head. She then slices Debbie's
throat as her mother appears at the door because Debbie forgot to
bring her pajamas with her. When she sees what Ginny has done, Mrs.
Dickey suddenly has two shotguns in her hands (Where was she hiding
them?), tells Ginny, "You don't fuck with the Dickeys!" and
pulls the triggers, splattering Ginny's brains on the wall. That's it
folks. You know a film is trouble when it takes two directors
to make it, in this case Adam Deyoe (DEAD
SEASON - 2011) and Eric Gosselin (the gay bigfoot film YETI:
A LOVE STORY - 2006, which he also co-directed with Deyoe),
who also co-produced and contributed to Kurt Kroeber's screenplay.
The only real gore shown is when Ugly Jen's face is torn off, but it
is done so badly, it's pathetic (He/she turns up later with a sack
over his/her head, looking like the Elephant Man). The rest of the
stabbings, throat slicings and other killings are nothing more than
blood spurting out of prop knives or blood and brain matter being
thrown against walls or floors. This was supposed to be a comedy, but
it is nothing but a comedy of errors. I didn't laugh once and if you
have half a brain in your head, neither will you. Just stay away from
this incoherent, sloppy mess (It's idea of humor is
"tea-bag" men, not once, but twice). Troma president Lloyd
Kaufman puts in his patented 5-second cameo as a TV news anchorman
who is shown just after Felissa Rose gets her throat cut live on-air.
Also starring screenwriter Kurt Kroeber as fat slob Barry Goldwater
(is nothing sacred?), who wants Debbie to also give him a blow job.
Featuring Nick Tully and Adam Malamut as Ginny and Sally's
boyfriends, who are nothing but lambs for the (fake-looking)
slaughter and John McPhee as Mr. Dickey. A Troma
Entertainment (fullscreen) DVD Release which, for some reason,
has been shorn of three minutes, but none of it gore footage. Not Rated.
HELLRAISER:
REVELATIONS (2010) - IMPORTANT
NOTICE: Hello. This is Dr. Hugh
Janus,
personal physician to Fred Adelman. Fred requested that I perform a
lobotomy on him before he watches and reviews this film. He also
requested that I put the piece
of brain I removed during the procedure back in his head once he is
done. I agreed, so here is Fred's review: Even with hole in head,
me know this 9th movie in series is bad film. Dimension Pictures and
Weinstein Brothers about to lose rights to HELLRAISER
franchise, so they make this cheap movie to keep rights. Two teens,
Nico (Jay Gillespie) & Steven (Nick Everson), take trip to Mexico
to see donkey have sex with girl. They film everything with
video camera. Nico kill girl in bathroom stall by mistake while he
has sex with her. Steven film it. Vagrant (Daniel Buran) give two
teens the Lament Configuration box at bar and Nico open it in motel
room. Fake looking Pinhead (Stephan Smith Collins; where Doug
Bradley?) appear and rip skin from Nico's body. Steven help Nico get
skin back by killing Mexican whores. They disappear for one year.
Nico and Steven's family (include Steven's girlfriend Emma [Tracey
Fairway]) have dinner in honor of sons' disappearances when Steven
suddenly appear (He say, "They're coming...the Cenobites. They
don't like to lose souls."). Emma find box in Steven's bag and
open it. House shake and purple light shine, but nothing else happen.
Steven begin act strange. Vagrant show up and cut off Nico father
Peter's (Sebastien Roberts) face after Peter blast shotgun into
vagrant and nothing happen. Steven shoot own father Ross (Steven
Brand) in stomach with shotgun, but Ross not die, just hurt badly.
Steven not actually Steven but Nico. In flashback, Steven refuse to
kill whore because she has baby, so Nico kill Steven and take his
skin (including face). Nico/Steven makes Emma open box and
fake-looking Pinhead show up again with Cenobites (including Steven,
who look like Pinhead Jr.). Pinhead rip out throat of Nico mother
Kate (Sanny Van Heteren) with chain hooks and has chain hooks crucify
Nico/Steven. Before Pinhead take Nico's soul, Ross kill him with
shotgun which make Pinhead very mad because soul is lost. Pinhead
uses chain hooks to take Ross wife Sarah (Devon Sorvari) and he and
rest of Cenobites disappear. Ross die. Emma hold box in hand and film
end. Even though film run short 75 minutes (includes slow 4 minute
end credits) director Victor Garcia (RETURN
TO HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL - 2007; MIRRORS
2 - 2010) make film seem twice longer. Screenwriter Gary J.
Tunnicliffe also did makeup effects (he also direct bad film WITHIN
THE ROCK - 1996) steal ideas from first
and second films in
series, but make film boring anyway. Me miss Doug Bradley as Pinhead.
Stephan Smith Collins so bad they use other actor to dub voice. I can
stick my pinky in head hole!!!! It tickles. Movie not tickle. Movie
is painful. Available DVD/Blu-Ray as single film or part of triple-feature
DVD from ARC Entertainment.
Hole in head speaking to me. Tell me you crazy to buy, rent or steal
this as torrent. Me tired. Need nap. Rated R. EPILOGUE:
Dr. Janus here. I put the small bit of brain back in Fred's head and
he should be as good as new in a few days. He may try to lick your
face until then, but be a sport and let him. He's been through a lot.
I may ask my physician for a lobotomy after watching this film with
Fred, if only to forget I ever saw it. Fred also wanted me to tell
you that this
movie was filmed in eleven days and was the first script since the third
sequel, HELLRAISER BLOODLINE (1996),
to be written specifically as a Hellraiser film. All scripts after
the third sequel were written as non-Hellraiser films and were
changed dramatically so they
could be part of the Hellraiser franchise. It just proves one thing:
An altered script can be so much better than an original one,
especially this hastily put-together mess. Followed by HELLRAISER:
JUDGMENT (2016),
a film Fred refuses to watch (...for now).
VOODOO
NIGHTMARE (2000) - There
are bad films and a term I coined called "badfilms", which
basically means a film is so bad you can't help but enjoy it for all
of the wrong reasons. Unfortunately, this film is not a badfilm, it
is just a plain old bad film. This made-in Singapore (but everyone
speaks fractured English) atrocity looked at THE
BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999) and director/screenwriter Djinn
(yes that is his single-monickered name!) said, "Why don't we
make our own version, but set it in the jungles of Malaysia"
It's a boring disaster. An adopted California girl named Charity
Yamaguchi (Hiep Thi Le) decides to travel back to her birthplace and
try to find her real mother. She brings along friends Uzi (Eleanor
Lee), Luc (Steve Banks) and Raymond (Victor Khong) to come with her
and when they reach Singapore,
Christine hires Eye (Fadali) to be their guide to find her real
mother's birthplace. From here on in, it is nothing but constant
bickering (the girls say "Shut up!" an awful lot to their
supposed male friends) and Christine accuses Eye of getting them lost
(even though he is using a GPS system). They soon run into a pregnant
girl (Fadzlinda) and a mean Malay Elder (Rahman Boy), who beats the
pregnant girl to death. The group then learns the legend of "The
Pontianak" where, and I quote: "A Malay girl who dies of
childbirth or by the abuse of a man, returns as an undead spirit
seeking revenge." Not long after that, members of the
group start seeing the spirit of the girl who was just killed and
hear a baby crying. Those that see her usually end up dead in a few
minutes and before you can say, "Hey, look over there!",
members of the group are being killed one by one. This crap goes on
for over sixty minutes, as the surviving members bicker with each
other, accuse each other and, stereotypes of stereotypes, split up
when they can't agree with each other (a well-worn plot device to
kill people when no one else is around and the camera doesn't has to
film it, saving on a special effects budget.). It all ends up with
Charity being the final survivor, as she hides behind a bamboo wall
(all we can see are her eyes) as the dead spirit woman and the sound
of a baby draws nearer. Then the film ends! I won't get into all the
things done wrong in this film, because there are so many (such as
acting so bad, it makes a kid in a third grade play look like Sir
Laurence Olivier) and, reportedly, the financial backer pulled-out in
the middle of the film, forcing one-named Djinn to alter the rest of
the film to finish it, but here are just a few: It is all shot with
hand-held digital cameras that are always moving, sometimes missing
out on some important pieces of the action (but it is not as
herky-jerky, shakey-cam like most "found footage" films).
There is absolutely no nudity or extreme violence; only a shot of Luc
puking bugs and white liquid out of his mouth and a really quick,
bloodless shot of Eye being beheaded by the Malay Elder. The sound
recording seems to come directly from the cameras because the further
the camera is away from the actors, the lower their dialogue sounds
(some of it is downright unintelligable). The worst thing of all is
why Charity would ask Raymond to come with her to trek through the
jungle, since he walks with the help of a cane! I mean, c'mon, would
you ask a friend with a cane to go hiking in some unknown jungle with
you? And then Charity yells at him when he can't keep up with the
rest of the group! Some friend. No wonder her mother put her up for
adoption! Besides one good morphing scene where the spirit girl
reveals her actual identity, there is nothing of interest here for
even the most patient of viewers, It is just 86 minutes of
insufferable boring and painful torture for those who choose to watch
it. VOODOO NIGHTMARE
offers no voodoo and the only nightmare you will suffer is the one
where you fall asleep during the film and wake up, finding it is
still on. Do yourself a favor and avoid this film at all costs. I
have to watch this stuff. You don't. Originally filmed under the
title RETURN TO PONTIANAK (a much better, but non-sellable,
title). A Vanguard Cinema VHS & DVD Release. Not Rated.
FRANKENSTEIN'S
HUNGRY DEAD (2013) - I
knew before I even put this disc in my player that I was in for
something awful. The DVD sleeve proclaims
that it won a couple awards at some film festivals I never heard of
and one internet site says that star "Michael Thurber...a modern
day Vincent Price" (It's the "..." part that worries
me. The site could have very well said that "Michael Thurber is
not a modern day Vincent Price", or "Michael Thurber works
in a wax museum trying to act like a modern day Vincent Price",
either which would be right on the money.). This poorly acted (and
I'm being kind here, this horror flick doesn't miss one cliché
in the Horror 101 Handbook) opens up with a guy named Ryan about to
tag the inside walls of the Cushing Wax Museum in Salem,
Massachusetts with a paint spray can, when something grabs him by his
ankles and pulls him off-camera. We then switch to Detention in a
high school where angry teacher Mr. Jefferson (Ryan Hanley, who is
simply terrible) begins to go off on all the sterotypical
pains-in-the butt students who are in detention: The nerd Katherine
(Jamie Lyn Bagley), who is here for passing out missing person flyers
of her friend Ryan; slut Ashley
(Shannon Hartman) and her boyfriend Colton (Patrick Keeffe); goth
chick Zoey (Aurora Grabill) and gay lovers Sam (Johnny Sederquist)
and Troy (Aaron Peaslee), who set gay rights back at least 100 years
(Colton actually calls Sam a "cockgoblin" in one of the
film's many cringeworthy dialogue scenes). Mr. Jefferson decides
rather than spending the detention time in a room, they will all make
a trip to Cushing's Wax Museum, where head curator, the
eyepatch-wearing Charles Frank (Thurber), begins to explain what
movies all the wax figure were from (some are good [such as the two
of Christopher Lee] and some are outright terrible; the good ones
came from a real local wax museum nearby). Ashley tells Colton this
would be the perfect place to have sex at night and they should come
back tonight to do it, but the stupid slut says it so loud that
everyone (everyone!) hears her say it. That night, Ashley and Colton
break into the wax museum, have sex in a coffin and are scared half
to death by Vermin (Jesse Dufault), a punk rock band member who is a
friend of Zoey's. Yes, you guessed it, all the students are there and
explore the wax museum, including a secret passage they discover.
Charles Frank is actually the Great Great Grandson of Victor
Frankenstein and he is using the dead body of Ryan and some new
appendages and organs from the teenage cast to make a new
Frankenstein monster, while a head in a pan (a really bad effect that
is used again for the "funny" finale") named Fritz
(Sean Carufel) makes jokes even a vaudeville performer would be
ashamed to repeat. While the cast gets offed one-by-one in gory
fashion (gory as in a high school play type of way; there are lots of
exposed intestines and hearts, but the way it is done is strictly
amateurish; even an eye popping out of a skull is nothing but an
obvious cheap CGI effect), have sex (both straight and gay, but no
nudity whatsoever; one of the gay guys actually wears suspender
jeans!), run around meeting Charles' failures (more bad make-up
jobs), even a zombified Adolph Hitler (Charles worked with the Nazis)
and a strange woman behind a tiny door. Charles revives Ryan with a
jolt of electricity and his new monster immediately turns against his
master, putting Charles' body on a table and jolting him to death
with electricity. Katherine and the monster Ryan walk out of the wax
museum hand-in-hand and forget that there was just a mass slaughter
in the building they just left. Isn't love grand? The majority
of the blame for this piece of crap disguised as a film (besides the
lousy actors) lies directly on the shoulders of director/producer/co-writer
(with Seth Chitwood) Richard Griffin (THE
DISCO EXORCIST - 2011; MURDER
UNIVERSITY - 2012; FUTURE
JUSTICE - 2014; and too many others that I refuse to
mention), who offers the audience nothing but 76 minutes of boredom
(not the 85 minutes listed on the DVD sleeve, thank God!) with
underwritten characters so unreal, they seem to jump out of a bad
comic book (Why is Katherine so determined to find Ryan? It is never
discussed in the film, except for a confusing nightmare she is having
while Ryan is being dragged away in the beginning of the film.).
Originally titled DR.
FRANKENSTEIN'S WAX MUSEUM OF THE HUNGRY DEAD, but shortened
to the title it is now, we finally do realize the Michael Thurber is
no Vincent Price. Hell, he couldn't even hold Mr. Price's water. He
overacts to the point of distraction. I guess he is supposed to come
off funny, but he is more annoying than anything else. Do yourself a
favor and don't get sucked-in by the DVD artwork like I did (That
creature never appears in the film) and spend your hard-earned bucks
on something more important, like laser hair removal for that mole on
your ass. This is nothing but a giant turd shaped like a DVD. To show
how really bad the film is, late director Jess Franco is thanked in
the final credits. That is not a ringing endorsement to me. Also
starring Nathaniel Sylva, Mary Paolino (who speaks with a thick Bronx
accent), Andre Boudreau and Christopher L. Ferreira as the Creature.
A Wild Eye Releasing
DVD Release. Unrated.
THE
LEGEND OF THE HILLBILLY BUTCHER
(2012) - With a title like that, I didn't have high expectations
when I plopped the disc in my player but, my god, I wasn't prepared
for what a stinking turd it was actually going to be. All the blame
can be put on director/co-producer/co-writer/cinematographer/editor/actor
Joaquin Montalvan's (the documentary SARAVIA
- 2008; M O B I U S -
2009; H O L E - 2010; C
C K - 2015) skinny little shoulders. This shot-on-video
disaster's biggest problem is the cinematography. There probably
wasn't one button Montalvan didn't use on the video camera, as he
gives it a fake grindhouse look, complete with fake emulsion
scratches, dirt specks, jumping frames, and reddish color at the
corners, like the film is beginning to turn vinegar. But the worst
aspect of the cinematography is that it is shot mostly out-of-focus
and given a sickly yellow palette. It's a very hard film to watch,
not because of the subject matter, but because it looks terrible and
you'll be doing more squinting than when you were a kid trying to
watch scrambled porn on your cable box. The story is a simpleton's
dream: Grandpa (S.E. Feinberg) gives his three grandchildren a
choice: Either he will read them the children's story "Bouncy
Bunny" (a fake book with lousy artwork) or he can tell them the
Legend of the Hillbilly Butcher. It doesn't
take a rocket scientist to figure out what the kids want to hear and
we switch over to cannibal Carl Henry Jessup (Paul E. Respass, who
died of a heart attack on April 21, 2014) as he is sitting at the
edge of the river contemplating his life. We hear his thoughts, such
as "Ever since the Civil War, this country's been one big
pussy." (the word "pussy" is used a lot in this film).
When Carl was a young boy, he watched as his father killed his mother
and then cut his own throat. Just before Daddy died, he slips his
favorite butcher knife to his son and tells him, "It's yours
now!" (No? Really? I thought the neighbor down the street would
want it.). Carl likes to kill people who trespass on his land,
butcher them (we watch him cut up a woman in his bathtub and see her
severed ear and head) and his friend Rae Lynn (Theresa Holly) comes
over to cook and clean for him (she is related to him somehow, but it
is never made clear how), not knowing the meat she is cooking is
"long pig" (i.e. human flesh). Carl performs a religious
ritual to a demon called Sam Bakoo (Allen East), where he says he
would gladly trade his soul to have his Mama and Papa alive again (he
keeps their mummified corpses in an upstairs bedroom), but the ritual
doesn't seem to work. He is visited by a ghost girl named Jessie
(Marie Moreshead), who tells Carl that Sam Bakoo is real and that his
family is cursed. Carl continues to kill people, such as a hunter who
is taking a shit on his property (complete with fart and shit noises
and the hunter exclaiming, "Oh, that is wet!") and a
picnicking couple (when the male tries to kiss the female, she says
"I am not ready for tongue yet!") and butchers them in his
basement meat locker (The male picnicker gets away thanks to help
from ghost girl Jessie). Carl has dreams about Sam Bakoo and tries to
bury a box that contains Sam's deathmask on the top, but it
mysteriously reappears in his meat locker with a small bottle of
Carl's blood inside. Carl's best friend, the horny Billy Wayne (Chris
Shumway), asks Carl if he can take out Rae Lynn on a date and Carl
gives his blessing. When Billy Wayne tries to rape Rae Lynn and
punches her in the face, Carl sees what he has done to her and has
Billy Wayne drink a mason jar of moonshine spiked with rat poison and
he dies (with bloody froth coming out of his mouth). When Rae Lynn
learns that she has been cooking human flesh all this time (she
discovers Carl's mother's mummified corpse in her bed and the bedroom
is full of human body parts), she runs away with Carl chasing her.
She turns the tables on Carl and kills him with his Daddy's butcher
knife and then throws the knife in the river. We then hear a
fake-sounding 1920's version of 'My Blue Heaven" as we then see
Carl tied to a chair in Hell, with his Daddy cackling and pulling out
Carl's tonails and teeth with a pair of pliers while Sam Bakoo dances
around him. Carl screams and the film ends, but after the end credits
roll, we see Grandpa again giving his grandkids one final scare (if I
had a grandfather like that, I would never visit him!). The
film is just awful and full of dialogue that makes your eyes roll in
back of your head, such as when Carl chases a couple of drunk teens
off his property and says, "Hell, that meat wasn't ripe
anyway!". The film makes absolutely no sense, especially the Sam
Bakoo and Jessie parts, and director Montalvan shows up every now and
then as a drunk hillbilly who keeps ogling Rae Lynn from afar (and
grabbing his crotch), only to end up being cut up alive, screaming as
Carl pulls out his intestines and removes an eyeball with a knife and
eats it. This is the film's only decent makeup effect, as the rest of
the film is fake-looking slit throats (it's apparent it is the knife
spurting blood, as the skin is not cut at all) and body parts shown
after the butchering. There are other head-scratching bits, such as
when Rae Lynn kills Carl. She folds his hands at his chest and lays
an orchid on his body (where did she find an orchid without leaving
his body????) before throwing the butcher knife in the river. And
speaking of Rae Lynn: If she was such a good cook as the film
portrays her, how could she not know that the meat she was cooking
was human after cooking for Carl all these years? And how come during
this whole time (since she also cleans his house) she has never been
in the upstairs bedroom? The film is full of things that make
absolutely no sense and, at at 99 minutes long, it's is a chore to
sit through. You'll never want to see anything yellow again (I quit
eating bananas after watching this film!). Do yourself a favor and
skip this abomination, which supposedly won 6 awards at the
Pollygrind Film Festival. If this is Pollygrind's example of a good
film, remind me to never watch another one that they recommend. Also
starring Ron Jason (as Pa Jessup), Doreen Barnes (as Ma Jessup), Tim
Pasio (who also co-wrote the music and lyrics to a song in this film
called "Welcome To Hell", performed by Midnight Angel),
Suzanne Rick and Martin McSweeney. An MVD
Visual DVD Release as part of their "Whacked Movies"
line. Not Rated, but not worth your time.
AMITYVILLE
DEATH HOUSE (2014) - If a
digital video camera could have diarrhea, this would be the result.
This sad excuse for a film, directed/produced by Mark Polonia (who,
with his deceased brother John, made such SOV "classics"
like SPLATTER FARM
- 1987; FEEDERS - 1996; THE
HOUSE THAT SCREAMED - 2000; and dozens others), written by
John Oak Dalton (Polonia's PETER
ROTTENTAIL - 2004) and executive produced by Fred Olen Ray
through his company Retromedia Entertainment, is one of the worst
developed films I have seen in quite a while. It is also so short in
length that the opening is a highlight reel of the film's best moment
(and by saying "best", I don't mean good) and the end
credits crawl so slow, they last for ten minutes, making for a
77-minute film. Even at that short length, it still seemed like
watching an 8-hour mini-series, but without much of a plot. Also, the
film says Eric Roberts is the main star, but we NEVER see his face.
We only hear his voice, while someone else plays him as a masked
warlock sitting down at a table, in dialogue that could have been
recorded in less than thirty minutes. It also has CGI that is so bad,
a grade school kid can do better (if you are going to shoot a
no-budget horror film, the least you can do is give your audience
good old-fashioned practical effects, not CGI blood). After the
highlight reel (which showcases one the few real
practical effects, done by Brett Piper, director of such films as A
NYMPHOID BARBARIAN IN DINOSAUR HELL - 1990 and BACTERIUM
- 2007), we then see the masked warlock with Eric Roberts' voice, as
he spouts gobblety-gook about a witch named Abigail Wilmont who was
killed in the 1700's because she was a witch and now the warlock
wants her to get revenge by killing five of the ancestors of those
who murdered her, using the "Book Of The Dead" (actually
Abigail's diary). We then switch to Tiffany (Krysten St. Pierre) and
her three friends, Aric (Michael Merchant), Bree (Cassandra Hayes)
and Dig (Houston Baker, who also composed and sings the film's
closing tune), as they are coming back from helping people from the
devastation of Hurricane Courtney (not even a real hurricane!).
Tiffany and her friends are now going to Amityville to see her sick
grandmother Florence (Yolie Canales) at the "Old Wilmont
Place" and make sure she is OK. They are just about there when
they see young woman Charlayne (Danielle Donahue) standing in the
snow next to her car. The group stop and Aric fixes her car and then
proceed to Grandma's house. Charlayne lets her dog Snappy out of the
car to do his business and when he doesn't return, she goes looking
for him, where she finds a human skull in the snow and a noose
hanging from a tree. She is then killed by her own dog (at least I
think it was Snappy; the film is edited haphazardly) as we hear the
warlock say, "Five more must die before the dawn!" (Wait a
minute, didn't he say in the beginning that only five would die?).
Tiffany and her friends make it to Grandma's house (it's a plain
house with two of the Amityville House's iconic windows added by
obvious CGI!), only to find the outside of the house in disrepair
(with an animal's skull on the stairs). Tiffany discovers her
grandmother Florence (a really bad old-age makeup job) upstairs in
bed babbling incoherently and Tiffany finds the Book Of The Dead on
her night table and takes it. Fisherman Ernest (Todd Carpenter) is
the second one to die when Abigail reaches from under the water and
pulls him under. Sheriff McGrath (Kevin VanSant) just misses seeing
this as he was talking to Ernest moments earlier before driving away.
Squirrel hunter Wardell (Steve Diasparra) is the third to die when he
discovers Abigail hanging from a tree and she rips his eyes out (in
one of the film's other few practical effects). Bree then cuts her
hand on the Book Of The Dead and the infection spreads, while Tiffany
reads a witches spell out loud from the book (I know it makes no
sense. Nothing here does). Zeke (Jeff Kirkendall) & Gilly (Austin
Dragovich), two local troublemakers, are the fourth and fifth victims
when Abigail rips Gilly's head off (off-screen) and the film freezes
when Abigail has her hands around Zeke's neck (I guess they didn't
have anything in the budget to show either death). Things go crazy in
Grandma's basement when Aric & Dig become possessed and try to
drown Bree in a vat of water. They see that Tiffany has six breasts
(another terrible effect) and Dig yells out "She has the witch's
teats!" (What the Fuck?!?). The possessed duo try to strangle
Tiffany but she must have some sort of supernatural power, because
both Dig and Aric snap out of it. The rotting Abigail scratches Dig's
face as he plants an axe in her body and Aric finishes her off by
crushing her head with his foot. Tiffany goes upstairs to destroy the
Book Of The Dead, but she is met by her possessed Grannie. Tiffany
manages to knock her head off with a few punches to Grannie's head
(another terrible effect) and goes to the basement, where she starts
tearing pages out of the book. She tells Aric that they must burn the
pages to send Abigail's spirit to Hell (Wait a minute, wouldn't it be
easier just to burn the book as a whole?), while Bree sprouts giant
legs and turns into a spider (a combination of CGI, physical and
Brett Piper's stop motion effects, which is the scene the film opened
with, so it comes as no surprise at all!). Aric is killed by a scythe
held by once-again possessed Dig and Tiffany sets fire to the pages,
which causes the house to explode in mere seconds (in one of the
worst CGI scenes I ever laid my eyes upon). We then cut to the
Sheriff watching video from Tiffany's video camera, which was pulled
out of the wreckage. He spots Abigail in some of the frames in the
video when he gets a call from his ex-wife Veronica (Kathryn Sue
Young) that Tiffany is at her store. But is it even Tiffany? Do you
really care? Director Mark Polonia (who also plays the
Sheriff's deputy Sully) still hasn't learned to make a coherent film
since he started out in the 80's. There is absolutely nothing to
recommend here, even the spider transformation, which looks to have
been done on the cheap and in a hurry. Polonia's over-reliance on
dime-store CGI (a trait in Fred Olen Ray's softcore films that show
on cable all the time) and Dalton's non-linear and confusing
screenplay will give you a headache, as will all the actors' terrible
thespian talents (yes, every one of them). Krysten St. Pierre is
especially awful, as she only seems to have one expression and speaks
her dialogue in monotone. Eric Roberts probably owed someone a favor
or did the warlock voice for some quick booze or blow money. I have
no idea why this film was even made, but do yourself a favor and just
pass this one by. It really has nothing to do with Amityville and it
is about a scary as a baby's dirty diaper. A Bayview Entertainment
DVD Release. Not Rated.
EYES
OF THE WOODS (2008) - Let's
face it, you know you're about to see something awful when three
directors are listed for one 79-minute film (and, no, it's not an
anthology) and the third director is listed as being in charge of
"Completion Footage" (Believe me, that is never a good
sign). The film starts out well enough: In a black & white
flashback (tinted a gold color) we see a sign dated 1547 in a town
called Knob's Creek (Alright, enough with the snickering!), where
Christopher Wicker (Ed Pope) is mourning the death of his young
daughter, who died of consumption (who we saw a couple of minutes
earlier opening her eyes while in her coffin, revealing completely
white eyes with no pupils), and then revealing that he has the symbol
of the pentagran burned into the palms of both of his hands. The
opening credits begin to roll (dark red type on a black background,
never a good choice of complimenting colors) and we watch as
Christopher cuts off one of his fingers in some satanic ritual, as he
curses God and uses his own blood to draw the sign of an upside-down
cross on his chest. He sits in the middle of a pentagram drawn on the
floor with his blood, while we hear a disembodied voice speaking
Latin and a rocking chair moving on its own. Christopher then turns
into a sharp-clawed, pointy-teeth creature (now portrayed by Walter
Phelan, who was "Dr. Satan" in HOUSE
OF 1000 CORPSES - 2002). The creature then attacks a young
Puritan girl, as people congregating at Minister Jonahs' (Jim W.
Miller) church complain
about how all their children are being mutilated or end up missing
and want to know what they can do to stop it. One man says
Christopher Wicker is to blame because "he's in league with the
Devil" (which he actually is) and an old bearded coot (who can't
act a lick) offers to take them into the woods, where he says Wicker
is hiding in a location called "Devil's Den" and they can
put an end to all the children dying by killing Wicker. Without even
questioning the old coot, off they go, armed with axes, meat cleavers
and pickaxes and get to Devil's Den, where they discover the
mutilated decapitated head of the recently missing Puritan girl. The
Puritans see the creature eating another human body and discarding
its head, as one of the Puritans plants a pickaxe into the creature's
stomach, only for the creature to return the favor by thrusting his
clawed hand through the Puritan's head. Another man strikes the
creature with an axe. He has his head crushed between the creature's
hands. When another Puritan puts a noose around the creature's head
and tries to hang it, the creature splits the man's head in two and
eats his brains. The creature then mutilates a Puritan woman's body
and rips the bearded old coot's head off (Do you see a pattern
developing here?). As its final act, the creature then slices the
final Puritan woman's (she's the mother of the recently missing girl)
throat, strips her topless and rips into her body until a wall is
covered in blood, the black & white footage turning to full color
(Paging Quentin Tarantino!). The film then switches to the present
day, where five young, stupid adults, Allison (Elizabeth O'Brick),
Winter (Johnny Moreno), Kelly (Lira Kellerman), Matt (Eric L.
Wolfson) and Nicole (Alissa Koenig), stop their SUV to get some gas
at a backwoods gas station, where the butt-ugly attendent
(co-director Darrin Reed) looks like he was burned all over his face.
Can you guess where these stupid people are heading? That's right,
they are going to Devil's Den to check out rumors they read on the
internet. After getting a warning by the malformed attendent, they go
on their way, but when they are traveling in the woods, their SUV
mysteriously stops and the lights go out. Instead of walking back to
the gas station, they decide to forge ahead and camp out for the
night where, around a campfire, Allison mentions the legend of the
creature of Knob's Creek and how it cannot be destroyed until it
avenges the death of his daughter. I could go on and tell you how
these idiotic people end up getting killed one-by-one, but none of it
is gory in the least. It looks like the filmmakers blew their entire
budget on the really gory effects in the film's first ten minutes.
All the deaths in the color footage are off-screen. While there is a
topless woman roaming the woods covered in blood and a sub-story
about a couple of stoners discovering her, only to be killed by the
creature (again off-screen), the closest the rest of the film comes
to gore is when a torso of a camper is dumped on a campfire, forcing
the last four of the stupid people to split in two: the men and the
women. Every once in a while Christopher Wicker's ghost daughter
makes an appearance, telling the idiotic young adults that her father
is "trapped". Will Winter get hives by eating a strawberry
energy bar because he is allergic to strawberries? Will the girls
lift Christopher's curse? Will this 79 minutes ever end? If you
answered "No" to these three questions, you are absolutely
correct, Directors Darrin Reed and Miguel F. Valenti still haven't
directed another film, and Mark Villalobos, who is credited as
directing the "Completion Footage" is better known as
Special Effects Technician (he is also listed as Supervisor of
Special Effects on this film), working on such films as ARMY
OF DARKNESS (1992); REEKER
(2005); PLAGUERS
(2008) and THE HILLS RUN RED
(2009), all much better films than this piece of shit. The film has a
severely disjointed feel, which is why Reed and Valenti never
directed another film. It is obvious that they bit off more than they
could chew and Villabos was able to cobble the film together to make
it releasable (but just barely). The screenwriters, Michael Ferrara
(who also has a role in the film) and Oren Kamara (not surprisingly,
their only screenplay at the time of this review), make sure they
don't miss one "terror in the woods" cliche, as the hikers
always make the stupidest decisions they possibly can, especially
when they discover Kelly is missing and they continue on their trek,
not even worrying about whether Kelly is in trouble or worse. Really
nice friends, aren't they? Mix-in a well-telegraphed
"surprise" ending and an epilogue showing that two weeks
later, Winter is still trapped in the woods (He has to be the
stupidest person on Earth to still be in Devil's Den two weeks after
he arrived there!) and you have a film that would make retards
ashamed (Oh, take your political correctness and shove it up your
ass!). The creature is the best part of the film (It reminded me of THE
MONSTER OF PIEDRAS BLANCAS - 1959), but it is used sparingly
after the first ten minutes. If your idea of a good film is someone
saying, "I'm not going to be food for this thing!" or a tag
line that reads "Something Wicker This Way Comes!", you'll
love this film (and your IQ is probably below 65 and you poop into
your Depends), but all others should just ignore this film and save
themselves from an awful experience. Also starring Jeff Doba, Susan
Ledgerwood, Michael Broom, Paul "Bone Daddy" McGimsey
(really?), Heather Curley and Crystal Swarovski. A Central Film
Company DVD Release. Unrated.
ZOMBIE
HUNTER (2013) - Well, here we
go again. Another freshman director decides to make his first
movie a horror film and it's a zombie film at that. Actually it's a
zombie comedy. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of zombie
comedies, especially if they are done right. Right off the top of my
head, I can think of SHAUN OF
THE DEAD (2003); ZOMBIELAND
(2009; especially the sequences with Bill Murray); JUAN
OF THE DEAD (2011) and DEADHEADS
(2011). ZOMBIE HUNTER,
on the other hand, can't hold a candle to those films because it is
about as funny as a baby dying of A.I.D.S. (and for you politically
correct people out there: Fuck you! You can censor yourself when you
have your own website!). The film is a mess of cliched ideas (take a
little MAD MAX, mix it with
religious fanaticism and end it with a bit of self-sacrifice. For the
rest of the film it is either kill or be killed.) that mix together
as well as oil and water. And it's apparent that director/co-writer
Kevin King (CYBORG X - 2015;
also featuring Danny Trejo) hasn't got a single clue how a horror
film should be made, because 95% of the kills are done using CGI
(everyone bleeds a nearly neon pink color and their CGI blood always
"hits" the camera lens), the CGI monsters are pathetic and
women make love with their bras on. Now tell me, would you watch a
film like that? To add insult to injury, the "name"
star, Danny Trejo, makes three short appearances in the film (which
probably ate up 75% of the film's paltry budget) and dies halfway
through it, making the rest of the movie insufferable to sit through.
And let's also be brutally honest: Is anyone else besides me sick and
tired of posters made for new films purposely made to look like
beat-up posters from the 70's, with fold marks, yellowing at the
edges and creases? While the films of the 70's will be remembered
fondly 50 years from now, films like this piece of trash will long be
forgotten, no matter how old they make their posters look (I curse
Quentin Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez for starting the trend with their GRINDHOUSE
double feature [2007], but at least they were good films). This film
starts out interestingly enough with three people in a living room
getting high off a new street drug that, as you can probably guess,
is highly addictive and has strange after-effects. While a female TV
news anchor is telling everyone that the side effects of taking the
drug include projectile vomiting, we see her male counterpart do just
that while he is sitting in the chair next to her and a
"Technical Difficulties" card appears on the TV screen (the
only thing I found funny in the whole film, but THE
SIMPSONS use to do it a lot better, showing a drunk
guy with a bottle in his hands while those words show up on
screen). The female anchor goes on to say that the drug turns people
into blood thirsty zombies and we then see one of the guys in the
living room take the girl upstairs for sex and bites her tongue off
(one of the film's very few practical effects). A year passes and the
entire world has turrned into a zombie paradise thanks to the drug
(Think about this for a minute: Why would someone sell a street drug
with no repeat customers?), with a few living humans here and there.
One of those humans happens to be loner Hunter (Australian actor
Martin Copping; FORBIDDEN GROUND
- 2013; passing for American rather poorly), who drives his souped-up
black car and destroys "Eaters" along the way (We see him
hit a zombie called "Death Angel" [Jake Bushman] with his
car until there is nothing but pink goo all over his windshield.).
Hunter hasn't seen a living human being for six months, but all of a
sudden he is hit in the shoulder with a bullet and crashes his car
(and so ends our tribute to MAD MAX).
Hunter wakes up in the compound of Father Jesus (Danny Trejo, who
strictly did this ordinary role for the money). Hunter is in a bed
while Debbie (Jean Regler), who says she hasn't seen a real man in
over a year, moves in for some sex action. She is interrupted by
Alison (Clare Neiderpruem), who has come to change the bandage on his
shoulder. Before Hunter meets Father Jesus (really, a priest named
Father Jesus?), the good father has a flashback where he kills a
bunch of Eaters with his Holy Axe (which he keeps hanging on his
wall), every one of those flashback deaths done with CGI where fake
pink blood hits the camera lens. When Father Jesus meets Hunter, he
has the Father makes Lyle (Jake Suazo), the person who shot him, take
him back to his car to see if it is salvagable. But before the good
Fathers will let that happen, Father Jesus tells him his flock's life
story and tells Hunter, "Believe in good and evil. Believe
if you're not one, you're the other." (well duh!). He also goes
on to say "We need hope. Make no mistake, there's a Hell and
you're in it!" We then don't see Father Jesus again until the
next Eaters attack, where some awfully rendered Creature Eaters
appear and Father Jesus picks up his Holy Axe once again, this time
cutting off one of the creature's arms before he is beheaded. Once
Trejo is out of the film, it sinks faster than a turd swirling around
in a flushed toilet bowl. The remaining crew decide to try to make it
to an airport, where Jerry (Terry Guthrie) says he knows where a
single engine plane is and they can travel to a place that has white
sand beaches (since this film was filmed in Utah, you would think the
Bonneville Salt Flats would be a good substitution). After a short
run-in with The Funny Man Eater (Jeff Kirkham), a zombie that is
dressed like a clown and carries a chainsaw (whose blade length
changes from scene to scene), who slices Debbie in the stomach while
she is squatting to take a pee (so much fake CGI blood hits the
camera lens, you can't see how awful the CGI effect is) and Hunter
hits him with a pickup truck and cuts him into pieces with his own
chainsaw (all the while, The Funny Man is laughing) and then looking
in a deserted gas station's freezer and puking their guts out (we are
not made aware what they see), they finally make it to the airport
and find the plane (They also find a storage shed full of automatic
weapons. What are the chances?). Trouble is, it needs gas and there
are a horde of CGI Creature Eaters all around the airport. Hunter
fills up the tank while fighting off the creatures, but one of them
runs his clawed hand straight through Hunter's torso (a terrible CGI
effect, but not as horrible as Alison knocking a CGI Creature Eater
off her truck's roof by hitting the brakes). Jerry is also eaten
alive by an Eater (the only other use of practical effects that
weren't CGI-enhanced in this film). Hunter drops a hand grenade into
a puddle of gasoline, which forces the whole airport to blow up in
a (CGI) explosion, letting Allison and Ricky (Jason K. Wixom)
escape in their pickup truck (I guess the white-sanded beaches are
now out of the question). To add insult to the viewer's injury,
Hunter is still alive, but badly burned (How? Could someone tell me
how the fuck he survived since he dropped the hand grenade right at
his feet and his entire torso was impaled by a Creature Eater?), so
he takes his own life by saying "If you gotta do something, you
gotta do it yourself!" as he runs a blade across his neck.
Thankfully, the film is over and I never have to speak of it again.
Look for a poster of OZOMBIE
(2012) in one scene (another Utah-made film that features Jeff
Kirkham from this film). Also starring Michael Monasterio, Marianne
Smith, Shona Kay, Jarrod Phillips (as the puking anchorman), Ashley
Halbash, Adam Judd and Amy Savannah. A Well Go USA Entertainment DVD
& Blu-Ray Release. Not Rated.
THE
DEAD AND THE DAMNED (2010) -
Remember when horror Westerns were as rare as tits on a rock? Now
that DTV is proving to be a money-maker, it seems that we are
becoming inundated with them and most of them are awful. This
zombie-centric one is particularly rank. It's like a diarrhetic
orangutan flinging his loose bowel movements at you and hitting
you in the face every time. This one not only moves slow as molasses,
it has the nerve to have one of the actors use the name "Randall
Marshall Dillon" as a tribute to GUNSMOKE
(1955-1975), but I wouldn't put it pass the late James Arness to rise
from the grave to pull this asshole's head off and shit down his
neck. And I wouldn't blame Miss Kitty also rising from her tomb to
give him a skeletal knee to his balls. Since "Randall Marshall
Dillon" hasn't appeared in anything since, I would like to hope
all of it actually happened. This is also one of those films where
the artwork on the DVD cover is better than the film itself and the
film is such a low-budget affair, all they could afford was one horse
(there are more horses on the DVD cover then there are in the film!).
One lousy horse for a Western film! Still, all that runny orangutan
shit running down your face smells like roses when compared to
actually watching the film, so I'll start from the beginning and make
it quick, so you can go grab a towel and wipe your face. It starts
out with one of the worst shootouts in Western film history (there is something
off about the sound of the guns, like they couldn't afford to loop
in better gunshot sounds after the film was finished), where bounty
hunter Mortimer (David A. Lockhart) kills five guys in order to
collect a single bounty on one guy, who he shoots in cold blood (the
guy is unarmed!). Mortimer tells the town's Sheriff that he needs
more money to help his soon-to-be-wife back in California afford a
farm they are looking to buy, so he asks the Sheriff to give him the
most expensive bounty. That turns out to be Native American Brother
Wolf (Rick Mora), who supposedly raped and killed a white girl (He
didn't. They were secretly seeing each other for a year and when her
father found out, he killed her and blamed the "injun".).
Mortimer travels to Gold Rush town Whiskeytown and buys a girl named
Rhiannon (Camille Montgomery; I keep hearing Stevie Nicks of
Fleetwood Mac singing her name!), whom he intends to use as human
bait to trap Brother Wolf. Meanwhile, two farmers uncover a glowing
green rock (probably a meteorite) on their land and take it into town
by wheelbarrow. One of the farmers hits the rock with a pickaxe while
most of the town is watching and a green gas comes out of the rock,
turning most of the town's residents into bloodthirsty zombies (two
whores who weren't there get killed by their own boss; one of them
has her leg torn off while he chews on it. It's all done rather badly
and CGI-enhanced.). Mortimer knows he is on the right track when he
sees a human head impaled on a pike, so he ties Rhiannon up and
leaves her in a field as bait for Brother Wolf. When Brother Wolf
does show up, he frees Rhiannon and Mortimer goes to shoot him, only
to discover that while Mortimer was sleeping, Brother Wolf removed
all the bullets from his gun! They get into a badly-staged fist
fight, but Brother Wolf must not have checked out Mortimer thoroughly
because he pulls out a derringer and takes Brother Wolf prisoner.
Mortimer must also have to deal with another bounty hunter called
"The German" (Robert Amstler), who doesn't speak a lick of
English (Let that bit of information sink in for a minute), so
Mortimer and The German get into a gunfight, but Mortimer seems to
think The German is toast when he is attacked by one of the zombies
from town (Mortimer doesn't even act surprised. He acts like this
happens every day). Rhiannon frees Brother Wolf just in time before
he turns into zombie chow (an axe in the noggin will put them down
every time!). As you can probably guess by now, Mortimer, Brother
Wolf and Rhiannon must work together from now on if they are going to
survive (Actually, they don't do a great job of it). From here on in,
the film is nothing but the trio fighting zombies and either shooting
them in the head or giving them a tomahawk haircut. There's a long
scene where Rhiannon is alone in a bar (yes, they do split up!) and
must deal with a blind zombie. She keeps trying to be quiet, but
always fails and the blind zombie heads in her direction and Rhiannon
finally kills it. On the other hand, Brother Wolf's death only takes
a few seconds (a zombie chews out his heart and then Mortimer shoots
him in the head!). The film thankfully draws to a conclusion when
Mortimer is killed by a zombie and Rhiannon (who Mortimer gives all
his bounty money to and makes her promise to take it to his love in
California to buy the farm. But guess who just bought the farm?) is
saved by The German, who wasn't killed or bitten (his arm is in a
sling though). He speaks German (so do I and he basically says,
"Come with me if you want to live!"), but the stupid Kraut
(I can say that because I am German) leads them to a cliff with a
bunch of zombies close behind them. The film ends when both of them
turn around and head towards the zombies (Rhiannon only has one
bullet in her gun!) and the film goes to black, which is probably
where the 2014 sequel THE
DEAD, THE DAMNED AND THE DARKNESS (a.k.a. THE
DEAD AND THE DAMNED II) begins (Actually, it doesn't. The
two surviving stars aren't even in the sequel!), but I will not watch
it, just based on how long this film's 85 minutes seemed to run. It
seemed like a lifetime. This is not so much a movie as it is a
travesty. Besides some good zombie makeups and some brief topless
female nudity, most of the deaths are CGI-enhanced (God, I hate CGI
blood!) and the story is exactly like a thousand other zombies films.
Even if this one supposedly takes place during Western times, the
lack of horses or other period articles (it looks like it was shot in
a Wild West theme park and cowboys wear modern Levi jeans and boots
with rubber soles) really hurts the film (the bullet count for
Mortimer's six-shooter keeps on changing throughout the film; one
time I saw Mortimer fire 11 shots before reloading!), as does
director/screenwriter Rene Perez's lack of talent when it comes to
shooting action scenes. I do appreciate that he doesn't use rapid
editing like they do in most modern DTV films, but the opposite also
applies, too. It would be nice if the camera moved every once in a
while. Lots of long takes in this film where the camera stands still.
What is amazing to me is that Perez still gets financing to keep
making his films. Besides the sequel I have already mentioned, he has
also made the following films in the past few years: THE
DEMON HUNTER (2012); SLEEPING
BEAUTY (2014; not a children's film); THE
BURNING DEAD (2015; after a volcano erupts, zombies rise out
of the lava!) and LITTLE
RED RIDING HOOD (2015; again, not a children's film). Perez
got a lot of Press when he used Charles Bronson lookalike Robert
Kovacs (a.k.a. "Robert Bronzi") in the god-awful films FROM
HELL TO THE WILD WEST (2017), DEATH
KISS (2018) and others not worth mentioning. Here's my
recommendation: If you see Rene Perez's name on a film, imagine
something ten times worse than anything that comes from The Asylum
and then make up your mind. Also known in some other countries as COWBOYS
& ZOMBIES and DJANGO
VS. ZOMBIES (Oh, c'mon now!). Also starring Autumn J.D.
Harrison, Heather Montanez; G.J. Morrison; Pat McIntire; James Edward
Tolbert; Timothy Bartgis, George Anderson, Carol S. Bayers and Lauren
C. Kelly as the blind zombie. An Inception Media Group DVD Release Rated
R.
NIGHT
HUNTER (1995) - Before Wesley
Snipes became BLADE
(1998) there was...Don "The Dragon" Wilson as Jack Cutter?
Yes, that's right, everyone's favorite low-budget martial artist
action star (who could never act a lick, but was likable anyway)
breaks his usual mold and stars in a lame cheapie horror film
Executive Produced by an uncredited Roger Corman. This film is so
bad, it ignores every vampire convention since Bram Stoker wrote
"Dracula" and is full of so many holes, moths are envious.
It also doesn't help that nearly all the vampires and other
characters are named after famous horror directors and personalities
(such as "Argento", "Sangster", "Ulmer",
"Baker", and many more), which is really a turn-off and
pure laziness to boot. The film begins in March 1968, where young
Jack Cutter (Christopher Aguilar) is told by vampire hunter father
Tom (a cameo by James Lew; CAGE II
- 1994) to hide in the secret room in the house while he and his
vampire hunting mother Mary (Dena Rea Hayess) fight a horde of
vampires after being betrayed by long-time friend Sid (Sid Sham), who
tells Tom he was offered immortality by head vampire Bruno Fischer (a
disinterested-looking Nicholas Guest; THE
LONG RIDERS - 1980; who
literally sleepwalks through his role and speaks in low-volume
monotone) by telling Tom, "Drink an ounce of blood a year,
you'll live forever, man!" Young Jack leaves his hiding place
when his father and mother are circled by a family of vampires and a
martial arts fight break out. Jack sees his mother killed and his
father hands Jack a book containing the names of every vampire family
alive and a double-barrel shotgun, throwing young Jack out a window
and telling him to "Trust no one" before Tom is killed (off-screen).
Jack hides outside while he watches Bruno enter the house. One of
the vampires tells him that the boy got away and Jack looks down at
the book and we are transported to June 1995, where adult Jack
(Wilson) is about to enter a club where the vampire family that
killed his mother and father are celebrating a reunion. He uses the
shotgun and a pair of handguns to shoot the vampires and then snaps
their necks with his martial arts prowess to kill them (Don't think
too hard about this because it will drive you crazy). Jack makes a
mistake when a female photographer who works for the club
accidentally takes his photo, so when toothpick-chewing Detective
Hopper (Marcus Aurelius) and county coroner Roy Ward (Michael
Cavanaugh; THE HAUNTING -
1999) look at the carnage at the club, the photographer gives Det.
Hopper the photo of Jack, which is distributed to every precinct in
the city. Jack is at a warehouse he calls home and crosses out the
names of the vampires he just killed in the book his father gave him.
By the look of the names crossed-out in the book, Jack has been a
very busy boy since 1968. Jack is spotted by the police when he is
walking down an alley and a chase ensues, only for Jack to be hit by
a car driven by Raimy Baker (Melanie Smith; THE
BABY DOLL MURDERS - 1993; and, yes, her character's name is
atrocious), a reporter for a National Enquirer-like rag who was sent
to Los Angeles to cover the spate of snapped-neck murders (How's that
for coincidence?). Jack hops into Raimy's car and tells her to drive,
but she is seriously wounded by a cop's bullet and crashes the car.
When the police get to the car, both Raimy and Jack are gone. Jack
has brought her back to his warehouse, where he pours a healing
liquid on her bullet wound and it disappears. Jack tries to explain
to Raimy that vampires are real, but she doesn't believe him (What
about her miraculous recovery from being shot? Doesn't that lend Jack
some credence?). Raimy soon changes her tune when female vampire
Tournier (Maria Ford; FUTURE FEAR
- 1997; doing a lousy French accent) invades the warehouse and tries
to kill Jack (Somehow, Jack manages to get off three shots from a
two-barrel shotgun!), but she leaves when she is hit by some pistol
fire (This is really getting ridiculous, especially when we just
heard Jack tell Raimy that vampires are fast healers). Meanwhile, Sid
(who hasn't aged a day since 1968) tells Bruno that Jack just killed
a family of vampires, so Bruno gathers his "family"
together (one of them is portrayed by Vincent Klyn, who played the
head bad guy in director Albert Pyun's CYBORG
[1989]) to come up with a plan to kill Jack (Just for funsies, Bruno
invades a house and makes a meal out of two young boys, again
off-screen). Raimy gets Detective Ron Browning (Cash Casey) to
believe that vampires are real (after Browning makes the mistake of
trying to handcuff Jack) and the three of them try to take down Bruno
and his family. I don't think I have to tell you how it turns out. If
there is one word I could use to describe this film, it would be:
Lazy. Screenwriter William C. Martell (CYBER
ZONE - 1995) ignores all traditional vampire tropes and even
lets them walk in the sunlight, as long as they wear sunglasses to
protect their sensitive eyes! And why does Jack even bother to use a
shotgun and handguns when he knows that vampires heal quickly and
bullets won't kill them (And yet Sid dies of shotgun wounds in the
finale)? I think it is just because they could spend their special
effects money on bloody bullet squibs and not worry about vampires
that are hundreds of years old turning into dust or bursting into
flames when Jack snaps their necks. They just remain human-looking.
And why does a solar eclipse play an important part in the finale
when we have already seen all the vampires walk in the sunlight? Like
I said, lazy. Director Rick Jacobson, who directed Don "The
Dragon" Wilson in BLOODFIST
VI: GROUND ZERO (1994) and BLOODFIST
VIII: HARD
WAY OUT (1996), as well as directing FULL
CONTACT (1992; which I think is his best film), THE
UNBORN II (1994), BITCH SLAP
(2009) and episodes of the late Starz series SPARTACUS
(2010 - 2013), seems to be off his game here, as he lets too many
mistakes into the film and allows the cameraman to vibrate the camera
like he has some type of palsy every time there is a major action
sequence (Art Camacho, who has a small role in this film, was the
Martial Arts Choreographer). This sloppy mess of a film is best
avoided and should only be viewed on how NOT to make a vampire movie.
Thank god for Wesley Snipes. This is only available on VHS and DVD in
fullscreen by New Concorde Home Video (The trailer on the DVD
contains scenes not seen in the final edit of the film). This is one
film I will never be watching again, even if it is eventually
released in it original aspect ratio. Also known as BLOOD
HUNTER. Also starring Ronald Winston Yuan (as a vampire who
tells Jack he is so old, he invented martial arts!), Vince Murdocco,
David 'Shark' Fralick, Sofia Crawford and Randy Crowder. A New
Concorde Home Video Release. Rated R.
THE
NOSTRIL PICKER (1988) - Do
you remember when you read or heard about some film that seemed
interesting, only to never be able to find a legal copy of it for
years? Then, you finally get your hands on a copy and your
anticipation was all for naught because the film sucked harder than a
Dyson vacuum cleaner working overtime? Well, that is the case with
this film, which I read about in some monster magazine in the
late-80's under the more appropriate title of THE
CHANGER (Which is actually the on-screen title of this
print, but it was available in England for years under the other
title for some strange reason, since our protagonist only picks his
nose once in the entire film!). This is the first time this film was
released on home video in the United States and it's easy to see why,
because the whole film screams "amateur hour". This is a
badly acted story (some of the "actors" and
"actresses" deliver their dialogue like they are reading it
off of cue cards for the very first time) about an ugly slob named
Joe Bukowski (Carl Zschering, which, not surprisingly, is his only
film), who walks around the streets of Michigan (filmed on location)
hassling good-looking women (well, at least this film's idea of
good-looking) and always getting the cold shoulder.
Or he is threatened by the cops for attempted sexual assault. That
is until one day he is approached on the street by a bum (Horace
Grimm; which describes his acting ability. This is his only film,
too) and he offers to teach Joe the art of
"morphosynthesis", or the ability to chant and change
appearance into anyone he pleases (even a female), if Joe will let
him take a swig from his cheap booze bottle (The trick is Joe will
always see himself [unless he looks in a mirror or sees his
reflection in a window] and everyone else will see him as someone
different). The bum tells Joe he learned the chant "in Vietnam
from some gook" and the bum says that Joe should pick a song to
hum after the chant to make it work and to hum it again to release
him from the chant. Frank picks "London Bridge Is Falling
Down" to make the chant work (I know. I mean WTF?!?) and the bum
also warns him that using the chant "will make you go crazy if
you do it too much", so Joe says what the hell and lets the bum
take a swig from his bottle. That night, Joe does the chant and then
whistles London Bridge, but he sees no change until he walks into an
adult book store and the guy behind the counter sees Joe as a young
teenage girl and chastises her for being in the store. Realizing that
the chant has worked, the lecherous Joe enrolls in an all-girl high
school under the name "Josephine", where he can get to see
teenage girls naked in the locker room (too bad the viewer doesn't)
and do all kinds of things to see the girls in as less clothes as
possible (This is the only time we see him pick his nose, as he is
sitting behind a desk in a classroom and wipes the booger under the
desk). Joe/Josephine makes friends with Brenda Kearn (Aimee Molinaro)
and she invites Josephine to come over to her house because her
parents will be gone and they can watch "Attack Of The Cannibal
Girls" on Horror Showcase on TV. Once he gets to Brenda's house,
he goes into the kitchen and hums London Bridge, where he sees
himself change from a teenage girl to his slob self in a reflection
in the kitchen window. He then cuts off Brenda's fingers with his
switchblade and then mutilates her body (cannibalism is implied). The
police are baffled, as the coroner stuffs pieces of Brenda's body
into a clear plastic bag ("Oh, here are the fingers!"). The
next girl Joe/Josephine kills is Tracy Harper (Heidi M. Gregg), whom
he butchers in the bushes and we see him eat some of her flesh. One
of Josephine's classmates is Jennifer Armstrong (Laura Cummings), who
is the daughter of Detective Vince Armstrong (Edward Tanner), who
just happens to be in charge of solving the murders. Joe/Josephine
picks up a hooker from the streets and brings her back to his
apartment, only to discover that the hooker is actually a
transvestite (Steven Andrews), so Josephine tries to kill the trannie
with a dildo (!), only for the transvestite to knock Josephine out,
where he sees Josephine turn into Joe. The transvestite goes to the
police and reports what he has seen, but even though they don't
believe him, they still send a couple of detectives to Joe's
apartment, but he slams the door in their faces because they don't
have a warrant. The bum gets a case of the guilts about what he has
done and calls the police, while Joe/Josephine is savagely stabbing
schoolgirl Crisi Stroud (Gail Didia) at a baseball field, taking
bites out of her flesh. As Joe becomes crazier and crazier, a TV news
cameraman gets footage of "Josephine" at one of the murder
sites. but the camera never lies and shows Joe instead. Detective
Armstrong now knows he has his prime suspect, especially when he
reads his extensive yellow sheet and talks to Joe's former
psychiatrist, who tells Armstrong that Joe has suicidal tendencies
(he once unsuccessfully attempted it) after he killed his mother
years ago and ate her body. Joe now goes full-tilt loony tunes, as he
sees his mother in his apartment, as well as his three recent
blood-soaked victims, who yell out "You bastard!" in
unison. Joe goes out in the streets and slices the throat of the
transvestite in retribution and Armstrong and another detective chase
him. Detective Armstrong has Joe cornered and we hear a couple of
shots ring out. When Detective Armstrong gets home, he sits on
Jennifer's bed and we hear him hum London Bridge. He becomes Joe and
stabs Jennifer over and over with his switchblade, as her blood
squirts all over his face. THE END. If I make any of this sound
interesting, I apologize, because this barely feature-length film (76
minutes) is one of the worst acted pieces of tripe I have ever laid
my eyes upon (I swear, one of them bled!). It's no wonder this is the
only directorial effort of Mark Nowicki (who makes a living digitally
color-correcting films and TV shows for DVD and Blu-Ray release, the
most famous being the 201 episodes of THE
X-FILES [1993 - 2002]), as he has no idea how to transition
from scene to scene and all his actors (95% of them which never did
any other film) speak in monotone or can plainly be seen looking at
the director to see where they should stand. It's also no surprise
that this was the only screenplay by Steven Hodge, who had a pretty
unusual angle for a horror film, but litters it with so many
clichés, it becomes ridiculous. Everything about this film
looks like it was done by first-timers, including the sound
recording, editing, photography, makeup effects and music, which are
all sub par (The ending, where Joe stabs Jennifer, looks like some
guy just offscreen is squirting blood into Joe's face and there are
white pieces of cardboard covering the names of businesses who didn't
want their name on-screen in this turd.). Waiting 26 years to see
this sad excuse for a horror film was a major disappointment and
makes me believe some films stay obscure for a reason. Released on
DVD by boutique label Massacre Video (who are notorious for releasing
their films on "limited" VHS editions and then selling out
quickly, where then you see them up for sale on eBay for outrageous
prices) in a barely acceptable fullscreen print, which looks to have
been taken from Cinevest's (the distributor of the film) video
master. I have to wonder why Massacre Video sells this online with
the British title, since the print and the other name are much more
exploitable (Who wants to see a guy pick his nose? Not me.). It does
come with reversible cover art, so I just flipped mine over to show
the film's original name. The British title card is offered as an
extra, but offers no extra footage and there is a short interview
with co-producer Steve Hodge (Mark Nowicki is the other producer),
but I couldn't be bothered to watch it since the film was one of the
worst I have seen in a long, long time. There's only so much torture
a person can take. Do yourself a favor and spend your hard-earned
money on another film worthy of watching. Also starring Ann Flood,
Clyde Surrell, Bruce Alden, Brian Lauderdale, Vicki Hollis and Joyce
Brown. Michigan needs to apologize to everyone who purchased this
film. A Massacre Video DVD
Release. Not Rated.
AMERIKAN
HOLOKAUST (2013) - This is
one of the most morally reprehensible films I have ever seen. And
I've seen my share of reprehensible films. This film not only makes
you feel dirty and want to take a shower after watching it, the
misogyny in this film is beyond redemption. Don't take anything I say
as a recommendation (although there will be some sickos out there
that love SOV crap like this, where it is nothing but scene after
scene of women being degraded and slaughtered) because, in reality,
this film only exists to raise the shackles of everyone who watches
it. It has absolutely no redeeming qualities and wallows in taste so
bad, John Waters and Lucifer Valentine would puke (I believe the
closest this film comes is to Valentine's regurgitation films or
those "Squish Videos" of women in pretty shoes stepping on
and killing small animals). The story (if you want to call it that)
is a "found footage" video documentation of two Vietnam War
veterans, Michael Mashburn (Jules Sceiro) and the older Antwan Mercer
(Bob Glazier), torturing and killing women (and one man) because they
blame the war for making them that way (which is an insult to every
soldier who fought in any war). Their antics make the late David
Hess' role of Krug in LAST
HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972) look like Mister Rogers, but at
least Hess had some class. These two actors are not ashamed to speak
some of the worst bile imaginable and Glazier, especially, likes to
play with his dick in front of the camera (watching an old man
shaking his dick around is one of the least insulting parts of this
film, but it's still shows a lack of basic human decency). This
atrocious, abominable piece of dog excrement was directed/co-produced/co-written/photographed
by Chris Woods (SPLATTER -
1995; BLEED - 2002; MAKE
THEM DIE SLEAZY! - 2014; NAUGHTY,
DIRTY, NASTY - 2014; he also co-produced and edited the 2008
documentary STRIP
CLUB KING: THE STORY OF JOE REDNER) and
co-produced/co-written by John Miller (who directed $KUMBAGZ
- 2015) and, for all I know, they are nice guys, but this film makes
them look like women-hating misogynists (sure, there's a five
minute female revenge scene at the end, but it doesn't excuse the 71
minutes that comes before it). I first heard about this film after
reading an article about it in Issue #33 in the revived GOREZONE
magazine and I ordered it (it was cheap at $5.00, so I knew it had to
be a DVD-R, which it was, but that's no big deal with me), coming to
my house with both Chris Woods and John Miller signatures on the DVD
sleeve. I thought that was a nice touch, until I watched the film.
Since the film comes from a company called THE
SLEAZE BOX, I now called my signed cover the "DVD
skeeve". The film begins with an online scrawl that says what we
are about to see are tapes found by the New Forge Police Department
on Mashburn's property and goes on to say that what we are about to
witness are some of the most violent, humiliating and repulsive
manners that anyone has never seen before (No police department would
ever release tapes like this to the public. Never.). The opening
scene is of a slightly overweight hooker in a red S&M leather
mask being walked around like a dog with a dog collar and a leash,
forcing her to undress Mercer naked (he shakes his dick in front of
her masked face) and then she climbs on top of him to give him a back
rub, but when Mercer is not satisfied, Mashburn shows up and
strangles her. They then knock out a guy videotaping his wife and
baby and bring all of them back to Mashburn's house (and stealing his
video camera, because their camera "sucks"), where Mashburn
hammers nails into the husband's eyes and makes the wife eat out of a
dog dish (after humiliating her in ways that I will not describe
because it makes me sick just thinking about it). The wife crawls on
all fours and begins to eat like a dog, until Mercer tells her she is
eating her own baby! When she refuses to eat any more, they force a
funnel in her mouth and pour the "baby" food down her
throat. Every once in a while, Mashburn sits in a chair and flings
insults at our military, saying that it is their fault for making
them who they are (and sending them checks every month) and their
mission in life now is to fuck women whenever the mood strikes,
"no matter how degrading or rough it may be." The funny
thing is, Mashburn is married to Rose (Cyndi Crotts), who works as a
teacher at a college and supports her husband financially. Does she
know what her husband does (she's always telling him to get a job)?
We will find out in a short while. Mercer then beats the wife they
abducted to death with a billy club for not following his orders
(there is all types of military talk in this film, which makes me ill
just thinking about it, because these guys were never soldiers, they
were just psychopaths that happened to be in the military) and then
chows down on her innards, jerking himself off with her spleen and
intestines, Mashburn joining in to bite off her vagina (nothing, and
I mean nothing, is left to the imagination). Could this film go any
lower? Yes, it can. They dress as Santa Claus and unwrap a kidnapped
girl, killing her after the Christmas paper comes off. They also keep
a stable of kidnapped girls in a shed in chicken wire cages and,
every once in a while, Mercer goes out there, sticks his dick through
the wires hole and makes one of the girls kiss it. Mashburn removes
one girl's eyes with his bare hands while in a bathtub and then eats
them. Mercer kidnaps a college girl named Casey White (Audrey Hayes)
that Rose says she would like to fuck and makes her strip naked, wear
a mask and act like a maid. Mercer makes her watch his violent home
videos and says, "That's what happens when you fuck with a dude
like me!" Mashburn tells another story about the war, where he
raped a "gook girl" while strangling her and says, "I
felt like a God!" Rose discovers the guys have kidnapped Casey
and she stabs her over and over in the face with a knife until her
face looks like hamburger meat. We find out from some tapes that Rose
has been killing guys like her husband and Mercer have been killing
girls. Mercer's penis becomes infected from a hooker they kidnapped,
screwed and killed when he didn't wear a condom (we get to see an
extreme close-up of his infected dick). Mercer makes another
kidnapped girl swallow diarreha medicine and then we hear fart and
shit noises. The camera pans down to the liquid shit-filled toilet
bowl, as Mercer makes the poor girl stick her head in and drink from
it (I told you it could get lower.). The film then comes full-circle,
as the hooker we saw in the red S&M mask and dog collar in the
beginning of the film is not actually dead. When Mercer tries to
stick his dick in what he thinks is her dead mouth, she bites it off,
duct-tapes him to a chair, slaps his face with his dismembered dick
and then makes him eat it. She then shoves the sharp heel of her shoe
into Mercer's dickless testicles until he dies (once again, none of
this is left to the imagination). Mashburn sees Mercer dead and he is
knocked unconscious. The girl has him tied-up, pulls out his teeth
with a pair of pliers, rips out his tongue and shoves a shotgun up
his ass (Shades of the finale of the 2010 remake of I
SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE). She pulls the trigger and we see that
the blast has blown the back of Mashburn's head off. Rose then comes
running through the door, knife in hand and the film goes to static.
An end crawl explains that police found 22 bodies on Mashburn's
property, along with the bodies of Mashburn and Mercer. Rose and the
hooker were never found, their whereabouts unknown. After 76
ultra-horrible minutes, this endurance test disguised as a film ends
(Supposedly, there's a VHS version that is four minutes longer and
contains the deaths of three more girls). After the end credits are
over, there is a short bit of film that adds nothing to the
movie. I must confess that several times I nearly broke my
cardinal rule of never turning off a film I am reviewing, because
this film is nothing but sadism for sadism's sake. But, I
"soldiered" on (Get it?) and watched the whole despicable
movie, but you will never see me reviewing a film made by Chris Woods
or John Miller on this site again (Do you hear me Mario?) Besides
there being enough plot holes to fill up a book about Swiss cheese
(Like: Who was holding the moving video camera while the hooker is
jamming the shotgun into Mashburn's ass?) and the filmmakers being
too "generous" with all the fake video drop-outs,
distortion and static (Just a note to the filmmakers: When you turn
off a video camera, the screen goes black, not all static. Static is
what happens on TVs when there is no signal.), this is the biggest
piece of trash that I have ever laid my eyes on. But I think that is
exactly what Chris Woods and John Miller were aiming for, to give
their company some publicity. In that case they succeeded, but they
also lost a lot of future potential buyers in the future, including
me. Anyone who sees this film as entertainment should have their
heads examined. Hell, they should be committed. This is the longest
review I have written for this section of my site, but this film
should get all the damnation it deserves. Also starring Rue
Goregrinder (Really?), Tara Caitlan, Kathleen O'Brien, Meghan
Christine and Jeania Ingle. Something tells me that when these young
women get married and have families, they will regret appearing in
this film. An Icon Film Studios/The Sleaze Box DVD Release. Unrated.
MORBID
(2014) - Remember "Amateur Night At The Apollo", where
someone so bad would come out and sing so off-key that they would be
literally booed off-stage? Well, this movie is the equivalent of
that. This is one of the most amateurish films I have seen in the
past 20 years and my only hope is that director/screenwriter/editor/co-producer
Chuck Conry never gets behind a camera again (This was his freshman
effort and, hopefully, his only film for all eternity. He even has
the nerve to state that we should feel lucky that he was able to
track down the "lost" footage. What lost footage? It was
shot in 2012 and they added footage to the film for the next two
years. They didn't take anything away!). After an on-screen warning
that advises those with bad hearts or mental illness should not watch
this film (it should have said anyone with a heart and a brain,
period) and then a quote by R.D. Laing (A Scottish psychiatrist
considered an expert on mental illness who passed away in 1989. I
wonder what he would have said about this film? Throw Chuck Conry in
a rubber room?), the film gets underway and we see two very bad
actors talk about the merits of John Carpenter's HALLOWEEN
(1978) over Bob Clark's BLACK CHRISTMAS
(1974), George Romero's DAWN
OF THE DEAD (1978) and Tobe Hooper's TEXAS
CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 (1986) as being the scariest film. It's
so badly acted, that when one
guy explains that the reason Quentin Tarantino's DEATHPROOF
(2007) failed was "People don't watch horror movies for the
witty banter.", I wanted to kill them both, not because of their
movie references (many of them I agree with), but because their
acting stunk worse than a fish left out in the hot sun (But, believe
it or not, this is the best acting in the film!). Luckily, there a
killer on the loose, dressed in a black suit with a red tie and
wearing one of those white S&M hoods over his head with a zipper
for a mouth. He enters the house through a bathroom window and kills
one of teens while he is taking a shower and then takes the glasses
off the second victim and stabs him repeatedly with the big knife he
carries (the makeup effects are as bad, if not worse, than the
acting). Yes this is a gore film, without any realistic gore and it
is so cheap, when the news channel on "Grundy TV" (filmed
in Grundy, Tennessee) breaks in (from a program called "Cannibal
Kitchen") for a special report on the two murders, the "News
6" sign was definitely made by some retard with a black magic
marker. We then have the female newscaster (who is eventually
disposed of by the killer with a ball peen hammer) go on to an
interview with a drunk Sheriff Rollins (I refuse to name any of the
actors in this film because they are not actors at all; just
"regular" people trying to act and failing so badly that
they should ride the short bus to school), who says they weren't
murders at all, but actually a double suicide (!) because their house
was full of horror movies (Way to perpetrate the myth Chuck!). The
Sheriff then goes on to say that the football game will go on as
scheduled and then goes on a long rambling rant about how great
Grundy's "Yellow Jacket" quarterback Sky Walker is. We then
see Sheriff Broshdursky trying to find the location of Sky Walker's
house, since he thinks the killer is going to strike there (Hasn't he
heard of Google Maps, GPS or just calling 411?). The killer then cuts
the head off the girlfriend who steps out of his truck to have a
smoke and then gets inside the truck while we watch someone throw a
bucket of blood inside the truck's front window. We then see Sky
Walker's "huge" party, which consists of about 10 people.
Sky Walker talks about himself in the third person, which is so awful
since he is such a bad actor, we hope his death comes soon. All the
women at this party are ugly as sin, so this is one case when we hope
they don't remove their tops (it comes close in one situation, but it
is apparent that none of these girls wanted their breasts on-screen
and I thank them for that). Thankfully, the killer makes Sky Walker
his next victim after he loses a drinking contest. He goes outside to
throw-up and has his head run over with a car (all we see is
hamburger meat with a human eyeball in the middle). We then have to
put up with a black & white "tribute video" of Sky
Walker's best moments (there must not be many because it runs less
than a minute) while the screen says "In Memory Of Sky
"Fucking" Walker: The Greatest Grundy QB Of All Time",
while listening to two douchebags playing a guitar and singing a
tribute ballad (I threw up on my mouth a little). Rather than going
on with the non-plot, I'll just give you the kills: * A boy gets
stabbed in the stomach with the knife (it's apparent that the boy is
holding the knife at his side with his arm and then has his arm cut
off with a wood saw (the serrated edges of the blade never touch him
and then we see the killer pulling off a fake arm). * The killer
murders a girl by impaling her stomach with the boy's severed arm. *
A guy is kneed in his stomach by his girlfriend (who has her
midsection eviscerated by a crow bar, as the camera spends way too
much time lingering on it) and then the killer murders the boyfriend
by hitting him with an aluminum bat and then dropping the hood of his
Jeep on him. * The killer enters Sky Walker's party and two men
are stabbed in the stomach. * One guy has his eyes removed
(off-screen). * A girl has a knife shoved in her mouth.* The final
girl says the killer must have a small dick, so he opens his pants to
reveal a three foot penis! He smacks her across the face with it a
couple of times before Sheriff Brosdursky (who earlier gave a dying
kid his cell phone to call the police station, which was empty!)
empties his gun into the killer, the girl cuts off his dick with some
hedge clippers (and gets a face full of blood) and then beats his
head-in with a brick. The film stops with "THE END" on
screen, but we then see the killer get up and removed his mask. Just
before we see who it is, the film then shows "THE END?"
on-screen. Is this what Rue Morgue meant when they said, "Sure
to go down in slasher film history as the weirdest finale since SLEEPAWAY
CAMP"? Really, a three-foot penis gets compared to a
film that had everything this film didn't? Rue Morgue needs to get
out more. Everything about this movie is a cheat and I can't believe
I spent $6.89 for this piece of crap on DVD. This film has a troubled
production history and it shows. In 2012, it was supposed to make
it's debut on VOD, but some technical glitches with the film stopped
it from being shown streaming (this version ran 75 minutes), so Chuck
Conry filmed more footage in 2013 & 2014 and released a
"Director's Cut" which ran 86 minutes. It doesn't help that
the final closing credits run over 5 minutes (most of it listing bad
music by Facebook bands you never heard of that played on the
soundtrack) and have the nerve to thank Astron 6 (MANBORG
- 2011; FATHER'S DAY
- 2011; THE
EDITOR - 2014) and many other famous people that don't
deserve this abuse (including Don May Jr., who wouldn't touch a film
like this even if he were wearing a radiation suit!) This film is so
bad, that one actor is listed twice in the opening credits and
everyone else couldn't get a job in a burger joint, rather than
another movie. Some people should be never be allowed to direct and
Chuck Conry is definitely one of them. It's not even the type of film
that is "so bad, it's good". It's just pitiful and I'm
usually fair when it comes to reviews of movies. Don't waste your
time or money on this piece of dog manure. A Wild
Eye Releasing DVD Release. This is one of the first films in
Wild Eye's sub-label "RAW", which only deals with
micro-budgeted films (it lists that it is the 75 minute version, but
it's the full Director's Cut.). Not Rated.
SLEDGE
(2014) - Since Brain Damage Films released a movie I liked (HOUSE
OF HORRORS: THE GATES OF HELL - 2012; I think it was the
first time ever), I decided to watch this short, 75-minute horror
film to see if I would be surprised once again. Well, in this case,
lightning doesn't strike twice. This is an unbelievably bad hoorror
film that took two people to direct and produce (John Sove II, who
also edited and photographed & Kristan Hanson, who also wrote the
"screenplay"; this is the last time you will see their
names mentioned in this short review). The film is bascially about
the exploits of 5 boring newbies to camping who decide to camp out in
the area of human face-wearing psychopath Adam Lynch (played by one
of the directors), who is the type of psycho who spits out awful
witticisms (that we can hardly hear) every time he kills with a
miniature sledgehammer (a full-size one would probably be too heavy
for his slim frame) and a knife (which really isn't that much). The
film actually begins with a film within a film, as a girl on a couch
(Rachel Cornell) is home on a Saturday night and talking on
her cellphone, while a bad puppet comes on the television screen and
tells us we are about to see a great film (this one; did he actually
watch it?). She tells her friend that the movie is about to begin and
not to tell her ex-boyfriend (who is at the party her girlfriend is
at) that he got her addicted to this show (Don't worry, she'll
interrupt the flow of the film several times by cutting in). The film
opens with a couple escorting adult retard Dickie (Tino Faygo; the
film's makeup artist; who thinks a bag of dog poop is candy) being
killed by Adam Lynch. Instead of killing Dickie, Adam tells him to
wipe his hands in the girl's blood and go to the police station and
confess to the murders (A newspaper article on screen shows us he did
just that). Then we get to the worst part of the film (which happens
to be the rest of the film): Five aggravating young adults (who you
want to kill yourself after listening to them talk for five minutes)
are on their way to a campsite, which has already been set up for
them since they know absolutely nothing about camping. For the next
30 minutes, all we hear are these idiots talking, talking, talking,
while the girl on the couch gets a phone call from her ex-boyfriend
saying he know she is watching their program and the TV puppet shows
a "trailer" for a film about Amish Murders (called "THE
AMISH PARADISE"; it makes no sense at all). Once the five
headache-inducing adults make it to their camp (where one guy tells
jokes like, "Did you hear about the Jewish doctor? He works for
tips.") and there's a three-way love/hate relationship between a
girl and two guys, Adam Lynch kills another couple by hitting the
girl in her head with a sledgehammer (all she does is spit blood into
her boyfriend's face; that's the extant of the makeup effects in this
film) and then finally goes after the five campers, killing them off
in quick succession without any style or suspense. As a matter of
fact, the Adam Lynch character is so tiny, a four year-old could
probably take him. Of course, the film has a "surprise"
ending, where Adam Lynch comes from the screen into real life and
kills the girl on the couch, while the puppet on-screen tells us to
stay tuned for next week for the Amish horror film. Every actor
is bad, much of the dialogue seems to have been made up on the fly
and Adam once again gets Dickie (How did he get out?) to take
responsibly for the murders we just witnessed (Dicky looks like Ron
Jeremy, which is the nicest thing I can say about this film). Even
the planned "surprise" outtakes during the final credits
are boring. The film's 75-minute running time seems to be 70 minutes
too long and when one girl falls down on the ground and we see her
heart hanging on a small branch sticking out of the ground, all you
can do is shake you head in shame (Believe me, it couldn't possibly
happen. The laws of physics make it an impossibility). Every one
involved in this digital film effort should hang their heads in
shame, because there is no story, bad sound, cameras pointed in the
wrong direction, simpleton gore effects (We're supposed to be scared
because we see a cow's intestine lying on the ground?), terrible
dialogue, much of it seemed improvised (if it wasn't, it just makes
all the "actors" look worse in my eyes) and no direction to
speak of, even though there were two of them. You'll have more fun
setting your socks on fire and trying to put them out in pails of
gasoline. That would be much less painful than sitting through this
piece of shit (doggy bag not included). "Starring" Dustin
Bowman, Stephanie Tupper, Russ Mateos, Travis Hanson, Desiree Holmes
and Janelle Jaffrey. A Brain
Damage Films Release. Not Rated.
BLOOD
VALLEY: SEED'S REVENGE (2013) -
Oh, dear lord, not another torture porn film and this one has
headache-inducing non-linear storytelling, too. This is the official
sequel to director Uwe Boll's SEED
(2007), and this film is also known as SEED
2, but Boll only Presents and Executive Produces this one
and gets a "Character Created By" credit. It was
directed/written/co-produced by Marcel Walz, where, at the time of
writing this review, he has made 17 Grade Z gore flicks that never
have officially made it out of his native country. If this is any
indication on what we can expect from him in the future on the
international market, count me out. When a film starts off with Max
Seed (Nick Principe; "Chrome Skull" in both LAID
TO REST films; he also did not play the original Max Seed;
He was the Stunt/Fight Coordinator here) shooting a woman in her
vagina, you think, "Can a film go any lower?" Well this one
does. This film doesn't even try to explain how Seed is alive since
we saw him definitely executed in the first film and now he has a
family, too. The plot is simple: Four girls traveled to Las Vegas to
have a bachelorette party for Christine (Natalie Scheetz) and then
take the "scenic route" home in their RV and run smack-dab
into Max Seed and his family, which includes a woman in a State Trooper's
uniform (Manoush; THE
TURNPIKE KILLER - 2009) and their son Glen (Jared Demetri
Luciano), but the non-linear story, which tells what happens when
they run up against the family and when they are on their own
traveling in their RV makes no sense at all and is guaranteed to make
you scratch your head more than once. Let me put it this way: There
is some kind of biblical prophecy burned on to Christine's stomach
(what it is we are never told), where we see three upside-down
crucifixes burned into her skin and all the girls and the family die
one-by-one, usually at the Mother or Seed's hands. You will watch as
Seed crucifies one girl in the desert by pounding spikes in her hands
and feet with a hammer (after Mother stabs her in the stomach [and
sticks her finger into the wound] with a machete and son Glen cuts
off one of her fingers while Glen takes a photo of Mom smoking the
finger like a cigar. Ugh!); a good samaritan named Joe (Jeff Dylan
Graham) who finds her and removes the spikes (lots of gushing blood)
and then tries to rape her (!), but she cuts his throat with a
machete; Mother stabs her own son Glen with the machete and Seed
reaches into the wound and pulls out his intestines and strangles him
with them while Mother reads something from the Bible (never told why
he was killed); Mother shoots another girl in the knee and tells her
"It's nothing personal" (the wound mysteriously disappears
later in the film); Seed snaps Mother's neck for reasons unexplained;
Christine turns out to be Seed's daughter and they go walking off
into the desert holding hands with Seed still holding the crucified
girl's still-alive body over his shoulder; and ending with the
crucified girl joining the new clan as she pretends to be passed out
on the side of the road and slashes a good samaritan's (played by
Ryan Nicholson) neck when he stops his truck. Seed gives her a mask
and she becomes Seed Jr.! Not one second of this film makes any sense
and if it weren't for Ryan & Megan Nicholson's excellent gore
effects (he's a better-known director of such films as LIVE
FEED [2006]; GUTTERBALLS
[2008]; HANGER [2009]; COLLAR
[2014]; and many more), I wouldn't have paid much attention to the
film, especially because of the confusing non-linear storytelling.
There was absolutely no need for that technique here except to
cover-up some unshot scenes that would have been needed to make the
film linear. This film is so desperate, it shows the
gun-up-the-vagina scene twice (Where Seed tells the girl "I'm
your God now!") and how in the world did they get Caroline
Williams (THE TEXAS
CHAINSAW MASSACRE PART 2 - 1986) to do a cameo in this and
why exactly does she beat Christine's duct-taped intended husband
(Wolfgang Meyer) over and over with a hammer to his head? So many
questions and not one single answer. This belongs in the DTV dump
bins because all it offers is gore and nothing else. And I mean
NOTHING else. The only nudity in this film is when one of Seed's
unnamed female victims (Micaela Schafer) tries to crawl to the RV (It
looks like one of her nipples is cut off), only for Seed to grab her
and carry her away. This is filmmaking at its worst. It was filmed on
location in Nevada and also stars Christa Campbell, Annika Strauss
(who speaks a lot of unsubbed German here) and Sarah Hayden as
Christine's bridesmaids. Even though Uwe Boll's first film was also
pure torture porn, at least it has a stable of capable actors, unlike
here, where the acting is atrocious. I know I'm going to get a lot of
flack for saying this, but this film needed the Uwe Boll touch,
because it is plain to see he was just a figurehead here. Boll keeps
getting better and better with each film he makes (with a few
exceptions) and this film could have used that expertise. This is
nothing but pure crap without one redeemable feature besides the
Nicholson's special effects. But even that isn't enough for even the
slightest of recommendations. Just stay away and find some low-budget
independent films that are worth your hard-earned bucks. This is
definitely not one of them. If diarrhea could be turned into a film,
this would be the result. A Phase
4 Films DVD Release. Not Rated.
THE
MOTHMAN CURSE (2014) - Let me
start off this extremely negative review by saying this: I did not
pay $99.00 a year for Amazon Prime to watch streaming crap like this.
Yes, it was free, but free in the sense that I didn't have to pay
anything to watch it, not free in the sense that once I begin
watching a movie, I am obligated to watch the whole thing to report
back to my readers. And this 80-minute film is an endurance test that
I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. First of all, 95% of the movie is
in grainy black & white and looks to have been filmed on
someone's old camera phone. You can actually see the spotlight that
someone is holding to illuminate scenes that were shot in the dark.
Secondly, the dialogue seems to have been recorded directly from the
phone because the futher the person is away from the camera, the lower
the dialogue (I was wearing headphones and could only make out 10% of
the dialogue!). Thirdly, director/screenwriter/co-producer Richard
Mansfield (who has a film coming out in 2016 called VIDEO
KILLER, which you can be sure I will avoid) inserts color
scenes as flashbacks that make no sense whatsoever. The story is so
simple, you could write it on the head of a pin (although Mansfield
tries to make it look like some art film): Two women, Katy (Katy
Vans) and Rachel (Rachel Dale), are hired to clean up an old
entertainment museum where Charlie Chaplin once lived (if you squint
and look sideways, you may see some of his old film posters). Somehow
they are being tormented by the Mothman (played by Mansfield's
brother David, who is also a co-producer), whom we barely glimpse. We
only get to see him in silhouette, staring through the window with
glowing eyes and a brief scene of him standing behind Rachel when she
lights a match. Director Mansfield also has the annoying habit of
looping loud screeching noises to the soundtrack to keep us awake and
other background noises that sound like someone dropping metal
objects into a 50 gallon metal drum. DO NOT be fooled by the DVD
cover (yes, this piece of shit actually got a DVD release!), because
that scene is not in the film. The fact that the cover is in color is
already a lie to the viewer. This film just meanders along as the two
English women prattle on, go to sleep (Rachel with her boyfriend
Darren [Darren Munn]), do very little work and the Mothman keeps
calling Katy on the phone asking her to let him in. That's about all
there is to the film. Where is the horror? Where is the curse? The
film just ends with no conclusion and with the shortest end credits
sequence I think I have ever saw (The logo for "Mansfield Dark
Productions" is a hell of a lot scarier that the entire film!).
Please, I beg of you, don't be fooled into watching this piece of
homemade trash. It was probably filmed in one day and looks it.
Imagine this: You take all the most boring parts of your home movies
and edit them into an 80-minute video movie. That would be a thousand
times better than watching this film. All I know is that I had an
extreme headache after watching it from squinting (sometimes the
grain is so heavy, you can't make out what is going on) and had to
pop an Ambien and go to sleep. If you really hate somebody and want
to get back at them, tape their eyelids open and make them watch this
stinking pile of crap. I guarantee that person will never bother you
again. This is the nadir of filmmaking. I'd go as far to say that
this is not a film at all; just a bunch of loosely connected scenes
to fill enough time to pass it off as a movie. I believe what this
"film" really needs is a metal garbage can, a container of
gasoline and a match. Do yourself a favor and watch THE
MOTHMAN PROPHECIES (2002) instead. Also starring Stephen
Glover. A Wild Eye Releasing
DVD Release. Not Rated, but how do you rate shit? There is
nothing in this film that is offensive at all. If there were, at
least the film would have something to write about.
KILLER
ANTS (2009) - Regional
filmmaking at its worst. This film, also known as INVICTA,
finds a New York City married couple Evan McAllister (Matt Tramel)
and Cory Pruitt (Jessica Gardner; also the Editor and Co-Producer of
this film; her character's last name is different that her husband's
because she decided to keep her maiden name since she is a
"performance artist" on the oppression of women. Oh, boy,
this is already getting to be too much!) pulling over to the side of
the road to have a picnic. Evan has to use the porta-potty to pee,
while Cory opens the picnic basket and she and the food are instantly
covered in fire ants (harvester ants were used in the film, but they
still sting like a motherfucker when they sink their pincers into
your skin!). A tobacco-spitting local and Evan come to her aid, and
brush all the ants off her. The couple leaves after after the local
tells something ominous to the couple (I really couldn't tell what it
was because the sound engineer must have been asleep) and then eats
the ant-filled food in the basket!. Already, Cory wants to go back to
New York City, but Evan got a job at the local University teaching
English (he could use some himself!). The town seems to have a bad
fire ant problem and no one seems to know why, so University
scientists Olivia Sanchez (Dawn Erwin) and her assistant Marnie
(Dionne Ross) are trying to find out why. And the fire ants are
getting bigger (But not as big as is on the artwork. Hell, that
artwork is downright a giant lie since that scene never happens in
the film.). Cory is quite
unlikable, but she has a giant ant bite on her arm (it looks like a
giant zit) that she is treating with an ointment. Evan and Cory go to
a party on their block, where Professor Hamilton Lock (Sam Damon)
sees it and says something unintelligible (again, the sound recordist
was asleep). Cory is supposed to be taking hormones so she and Evan
can get pregnant, but she is actually taking birth control pills and
when she takes a pregnancy test and it comes back negative, she says,
"Thank God!" Cory finds her refrigerator filled with
millions of dead fire ants, which freaks her out, but Evan tries to
keep things positive by saying, "Well, at least we know how to
kill them!" (Yes, just lure them into the refrigerator. Oh, boy,
my head already hurts). Olivia believes that Hamilton Lock is somehow
involved with the fire ant problem, but she can't prove it yet. We
then see Lock giving a scientific lecture on fire ants and has his
assistant show videos of the ants eating away at animals in a short
amount of time and then saying that the ants sometimes show up at car
accidents before the paramedics arrive. He seems to get off on
frightening people, so much so, that a woman in the lecture hall (Kay
Rogers), chastises him for being inhumane and walks out of the
lecture. When she leaves, Lock goes on with his lecture by saying,
"To continue..." The female protester confronts Lock in the
parking lot of the lecture hall and we see him escort her to the
passenger side of a car. The next time we see Lock, he is changing
clothes while humming to himself and we hear muffled screams in the
background, while Lock says, "How we doing, Tootsie?". Lock
approaches the woman, who is tied-up on a chair and has duct tape
over her mouth. He pours a green liquid around her and within
seconds, she is surrounded by hordes of fire ants. We then see the
remain's of the woman (mainly bloody bones) in plastic pails, as he
puts her hat over her skull and says to her, "What are you
looking at, you old bat?". Olivia tells Evan that Cory's bite is
getting bigger and that the queen ants are getting bigger (but not THEM!
[1954] bigger]. Cory thinks Evan is having an affair with Olivia, but
Evan believes in monogamy because he wants a baby. Olivia, on the
other hand, would like nothing more than to be Evan's lover, so
Marnie takes her to Mexico for the weekend to forget about him. While
reaching into the clothes hamper, Cory is instantly covered in fire
ants and has to jump in the shower to get them off of her. She is now
covered head to toe in disgusting pustules and when Cory sees her, he
goes to get the medical kit before taking her to the hospital and
discovers her birth control pills. Evan becomes so enraged, he puts
on a headset (!) to listen to some music, while Cory is once again
attacked by fire ants in her bed. When Evan gets hungry and goes to
the refrigerator to get something to eat, he discovers Cory's dead
body inside the fridge. He throws up and calls the police. The police
and coroner determine it was a suicide (Really? They couldn't see all
the pustules all over her body?). Olivia believes Hamilton Lock is
involved in controlling the fire ants, resulting in the missing
people and deaths in town and he seems to be buying up a lot of
property at bargain prices in his missing wife's name. But why? Evan
and Olivia catch up to his plan (they also talk about going together
to see a Vincent Price double feature at the local theater, which THE
TINGLER [1959] and THE FLY
[1958] are playing), so they decide to check out one of the buildings
he bought. Before they are able to get out of the car, it is covered
with fire ants, so Evan races the car to the nearest car wash, where
he and Olivia make out while the car is going through the brushes.
(Really? After such a short period of mourning?). Olivia then breaks
into Lock's house to look for some proof, but a gun-carrying Lock
catches her. He invites Evan to come and join them and he is taken
prisoner, too (Really, how stupid are these two people?). They all
watch a VHS tape where Lock used his wife Constance (Janet Hurley
Kimlicki) as his first fire ant subject and we see only Lock waving
her skeletal hand goodbye on-screen as the tape ends. He takes Olivia
and Evan to a field, where they are tied together and sprayed with
the ant-attracting liquid. They are able to break free by using
Olivia's eyeglasses as a magnifying glass to burn off the ropes. They
rush to save Olivia's friend Marnie, who Lock says is next on his
list, only for all three of them to be captured by Lock again (Smart
enough to burn off ropes with eyeglasses, but too stupid not to keep
getting caught). Lock has developed a huge queen fire ant (it's the
size of a human hand) and he goes to use the liquid for the queen to
kill them, but he drops the liquid and has to let the queen go (he
cuddles the queen ant like someone would their pet dog!). The queen
flies away and Lock gets into his van, but the queen ant returns and
stings Lock in the eye, where he crashes the van (one of the worst
crashes in film history) and dies. The trio calls the police and Evan
and Olivia live happily ever after as if Cory never existed and the
tobacco-spitting local appears behind them and smiles (WTF?)
This impossibly cheap regional Texas production (Cory says she is
"stuck here in Deliverance, Texas, surrounded by a bunch of
yahoos", but it was actually filmed in Bastrop, Texas) contains
some terrible CGI (wait until you get a gander at the queen ant!) and
everyone acts amateurish (If Sam Damon as Hamilton Lock had a
mustache, he would be twirling it) and the flat digital video
photography does it no favors (I've already mentioned the sound
problems). For a movie about killer ants, we never once see the ants
eat anyone (the stock footage at the lecture hall not included), only
the after-effects, where all we see are some bloody bones. The only
real thing that would even remotely considered gore in this film
would be the pustules on Cory's body and Lock being stung in the eye,
but besides a little blood in Lock's death, there no other blood in
the film. The film doesn't even address the fact that there's a giant
fire ant queen loose in the wild and the romance between Evan and
Olivia comes way too soon (I guess since Cory didn't take Evan's last
name and was taking birth control pills makes it OK in Evan's mind).
This is just pure laziness on director/screenwriter/co-producer
Carolyn Banks' part and proves that a woman can make a terrible film
like any man. For Christ's sake, it doesn't even try to explain why
Lock was buying up all the land except for a throw-away line by Lock
that he was buying the land to throw people off his fire ant
experiments (Huh? Does that make sense to anyone?). Like Olivia's
attraction to the rail thin Evan (really, I could count every rib
when he took his shirt off), just move on and find a film with more
meat on its bones. This film is so bad, that it has yet to find a DVD
distributor in the United States (although you can stream it on
Amazon), but there are at least two DVD releases in Germany (who will
release anything). Terrible, just terrible. When no company will
touch a film and put it on disc, you can tell that it is not worth
owning. Also starring Katherine Gruetzner and James R. Bryant. Not Rated,
but with a few "fucks" in the dialogue deleted, this would
probably be Rated PG-13.
BABYSITTER
MASSACRE (2013) - I think
the most hurtful thing about this film is that it ends with the words
"In Loving Memory Of Andy Copp". I never met Andy, but we
would talk for hours on Facebook about his personal life tragedies to
his redemption with making films. He committed suicide in the
beginning of 2013, because the personal problems were greater than
his filmmaking career (the funding for his latest film had just
fallen through and that, along with his real-life problems, just made
him snap [something I definitely understand] and take his own life).
Apparently Andy was some sort of "prodigy" to this film's
director/screenwriter/editor/cinematographer Henrique Couto (SCAREWAVES
- 2014; HAUNTED
HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW - 2014; shot in 4 1/2 days and it looks
it) and it makes any one of Andy's films look like GONE
WITH THE WIND (1939) in comparison. Seven years ago in the
town of Ray Falls, Ohio, a psychopath kidnaps a babysitter named
April after being taunted by text messages on her cell phone (I'm not
on the house...yet!") on Halloween Night. She is taking a bath
(total nudity, but she is chunky) and the doorbell rings and when he
answers the door (with her tits hanging out from the towel!), the
killer, wearing a white fetish mask and white gloves, grabs her and
then we see her tied naked to a chair. while the killer pulls out a
couple of her fingernails and then slits her throat, documenting the
whole thing on April's cell phone camera. In the present day, April's
father Mr. Walker
(Geoff Burkman) gets a letter in the mail declaring April legally
dead (her body was never found) due to "death by absentia"
by the police force. Mr. Walker says to Angela (Erin R. Ryan; a
regular cast member of Couto's shorts and films) that it stings
seeing it in letter form. No more police reports. No more insurance
investigations looking for fraud. The only comfort he has had in the
past seven years was watching next-door neighbor Angela grow up to
become a caring young woman. It is Halloween Day once again and
Angela plans on having a few friends over that night for a slumber
party (Oh, boy!). We then watch a totally naked Angela (who could use
something to eat) take a shower (just like we saw the chunky April
take a full-frontal bath before she bit it) when a multi-pierced
Bianca (Marylee Osborne) scares the shit out of her. Bianca was the
person who was supposed to be April's buddy at the "Babysitting
Club", which all the girls belonged to, but she let April go out
on her own (She tells Angela, "Survivor's guilt is such a
bitch!") and, besides Angela, all the other girls that belonged
to the club haven't talked to her in seven years. Angela invites
Bianca to come to the slumber party tonight, but make sure she comes
a couple of hours late, so the girls are nice and drunk (Anyone ever
hear of an "angry drunk"? Perfect plan Angela!). Now that
we have the set-up, let the (off-screen) bloodletting begin. One girl
calls up Angela and says she may not show up at the slumber party.
She is chased through the woods by the same white-masked and gloved
killer (This is the type of film that no matter how fast the victim
runs, the slow-walking killer always catches up). The killer first
hits the girl in one of her palms with a hand axe and then chops her
over and over with it, her blood splattering against a tree (This is
also the type of film where we hardly see the actual murders, only
the after-effects. He also spray-paints a red "X" across
her body, but does it to none of his other victims, probably because
she was marking a trail in the woods with a red "X" on
trees.). He then uses the victim's camera phone to send pictures to
April, who thinks it is the girl's Halloween costume! (By now, if you
haven't guessed who the killer is, you are either not watching the
film or are sleepy). Linda (Odette Despairr) and boyfriend Tony
(David DeNoyer) are discussing whether she should jump in the frigid
water of her pool. She comes back inside and says that Tony was
correct and she sees the killer, but thinks it is Tony's Halloween
costume. She goes upstairs to change and sees Tony's dead body and
the killer kidnaps her. She is sitting in a dark room illuminated by
one spotlight, where we see (or rather, don't see) the killer slice
her tongue with a strait-razor, cut off her ear (all we see is her
ear fall to the floor) and then slits her throat (shown as drops of
blood hitting the floor). He then takes a photo of Linda and sends it
to Angela, who thinks the same thing as before (Two girls with slit
throats? Time to rethink your thought-process, Angela!). Angela and
her mother (Amy Diederich) have a heart-to-heart (which is hard to
take seriously when her Mom is dressed in a see-through outfit,
dressed as a cougar [or if you rather, a MILF], going to an adult
party!). Mom and Angela have a sickly sweet discussion on how Mr.
Walker just won't let the death of his daughter go (Mom has these
words of wisdom, which will come to bite her in the ass: "Sadness
is like a brace or a crutch. It's a coward's way out."). Mom
leaves the house just as the first girl, Lucky (Jonie Durian), shows
up at the slumber party. Bianca tries to have a talk with former
Babysitter Club member Sandra (Serendipity Lynch) when she is about
to leave work, but Sandra says some unfair and hurtful things to
Bianca and she leaves. Sandra sees her boss murdered by the masked
killer and then he comes after her. She hides under a desk but the
killer stops her from sending a text with her phone and sends Angela
a photo of a dead Sandra instead. Arlene (Tara Clark) then joins the
slumber party and then there's a knock on the door. At the doorstep
is a box full of sexy lingerie, so these three stupid girls put them
on (Arlene is the only female in the film that has sexy breasts).
Meanwhile, the killer is in the room of a fat prostitute, so she
strips naked (My eyes! My eyes!) and starts eating candy in front of
him! For her "surprise", he stabs her in her flabby stomach
with scissors (again not shown). Bianca use to be the girlfriend of
Tyler (Marshall Norman), who is still a pizza delivery guy (what
would a film like this be without a pizza delivery guy?) and she
wants him to drive her to Angela's house to check up on her (This is
after we see the killer murder another girl by pouring boiling water
on her face and then getting stabbed in the back of the head where
nothing is shown except the after-effects. And then he murders all
the people in one of the poorest-looking Halloween parties on film
history and kills Angela's mother after she puts on a rubber mask to
scare the now-dead crowd [all of it off-screen].) The killer then
maces another girl in the eyes who has her mouth duct-taped (one of
the most popular tools in every killer's toolbox). It must be
something worse than mace because she dies while puke comes seeping
through the duct tape on her mouth. Bianca knocks on the door, but no
one seems to be home, probably because the killer has chloroformed
all three of them and taken them down to the basement. Lucky is tied
to a chair and says the only way the other two will be let go is if
one of them kills her with the claw hammer on the floor. Arlene seems
a little too into it, as she whacks Lucky in the head a few times and
then plants the claw end on the hammer into her chest [off-screen],
killing her. Oh, and if you haven't guessed by now, Mr. Walker is the
killer (although it is plain to see that the killer is played by a
much younger person [actually three!]). He strangles Arlene and then
cuts Angela's Achilles heels and pours gasoline on the floor so she
can't get away. Why did he kill his own daughter seven years ago?
Because he loved Angela more! (One of the worst explanations I have
ever heard!). Angela stabs Mr. Walker and Bianca has a chance to
rescue Angela, but Mr. Walker lights his Bic and the house burns to
the ground. Once again, Bianca fails to save a friend. And luckier
for us, the film ends. It's apparent Henrique Couto watched
films like THE SLUMBER
PARTY MASSACRE (1982) and SORORITY
HOUSE MASSACRE (1986; SORORITY
HOUSE MASSACRE 2 [1990] gets name-checked here) and there's
not one cliche that he missed, but what he did forget was showing the
killer actually doing the killing, not just showing us the
results of his kills, which is very aggravating for the viewer. This
is a very long 78 minutes and the film is boring and stupid. The one
way you can tell is that you watch the clock more than the film
itself. The stench I smelled wasn't coming from my Roku 3 player
overheating (I saw this film for free since I am an Amazom Prime
member), it was coming from the film itself. Only Arlene's breasts
are worth looking at and this is a very bad tribute to Andy Copp, who
could have done better with his eyes closed than Henrique Couto did
with them wide open. Dustin Mills, the director of the excellent SKINLESS
(2013), did the not-so-special special makeup effects. Also starring
Stephanie Coffey, Chandra McCracken, Haley Jay Madison, Mike
Canestaro and Stephanie Michael. An Independent
Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated, but no worse than
an R.
STABBED
IN THE FACE (2004) - As
soon As I saw that this was a part of Wild Eye Releasing's
"RAW" series of films (micro-budgeted films that wouldn't
usually get a disc release; see my review of MORBID
- 2014) and that is was filmed in 2004 , but not released until 2014,
my hopes of being entertained went right down the toilet, much like
some hard turd that has been stuck in your asshole for three days.
but won't come out. No sooner than I wrote this, some of the world's
oldest high schoolers are attending a Halloween party where a live
punk band called "The Poots" are playing a song called
"Poops on you". Am I psychic or not? The basic storyline is
this: Joseph (Bill Heintz), whose sister was slaughtered two months
earlier by notorious serial killer Richard Cork (J.C. Pennington),
who cut her to pieces and arranged her body parts into some type of
art project) is at the Halloween party and tells the legend of
"The Three Legged Lady", where a wife finds her husband
screwing a small-breasted naked woman in a barn, chops him up in
pieces with a machete and then chases the naked girl and kills her, too
(most of it off-screen). The police show up and shoot the wife dead
at the entrance to the barn. Joseph says he knows where this happened
and that the ghost of "The Three Legged Lady" only reveals
herself during Halloween, which is tomorrow. He talks all his friends
to go with him to the location tomorrow (which is unbelievable beyond
belief since his sister was murdered just a short while ago). I know
none of this makes any sense, especially since we never see a Three
Legged Lady, but just go along with it for now. As everyone is headed
for the death barn, Richard Cork escapes from prison and you'll never
guess where he and his female captive are hiding. That's right, the
are at the death barn (we see Cork cut off the nipple of his female
captive, the film's best effect. Most of the other bloody effects
could be done by an overaged high schooler). This shot-on-video
abomination has some of the worst acting, headache-inducing music
(usually done by The Poots) and special effects I have ever seen in a
no-budget film. The twenty-ish teens smoke dope, have sex (there is
more nudity by the female cast than normal in films like this) and
the girls talk more about having sex than the guys do. The guys are
more interested in getting high or drunk. It becomes apparent after a
short while that there are actually two killers at large and I bet
you know who the second one is. Director & co-producer Jason
Matherne (ATTACK
OF THE COCKFACE KILLER- 2002 (about a killer with a penis
growing under his chin!);its sequel GOREGASM
- 2007 and a third film called GRIMEWAVE:
COCKFACE III - 2013, which Wild Eye Releasing renamed GRIMEWAVE
so it could be sold on Amazon) telegraphs that Joseph has become
psychotic since his sister was killed and he kills nearly as many of
his friends as Cork does. There's death by pitchfork, a knife in the
eye and the slicing open of a stoner's stomach until he holds his own
intestines, but very little stabbing in the face, all done rather
poorly. The editing, by Steve Waltz, who has a major role as Bruce in
the film and does the stupidest thing possible when his girlfriend
Madelyn (Dana Kieferle) is killed by Cork is very confusing and some
scenes make no sense (especially the ending). Joseph dresses much in
the same way as the real-life (and unsolved) serial killer The Zodiac
reportedly did and he shoots Cork, but it doesn't seem to affect him.
If Joseph killed his sister and Richard Cork is just in his
imagination, the editing does this film no favors. Screenwriter &
co-producer Jared Scallions (who appears here as Mark, the only high
schooler with a beer belly!) gives the cast of actors some
unbelievable dialogue (If girls I knew were so interested in sex as
much as these girls are, I would have never left high school), such
as when Madelyn says to Bruce, "You put the 'dick' in
ridiculous!" There is also a lot of horror film name-dropping
such as FRIDAY THE 13TH
(1980; there's a beheading just like in the film), A
NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984; Two stoners argue who would
win in a fight, Freddy or Jason, but we already know the answer to
that debate in the film FREDDY
VS. JASON - 2003) Also mentioned is CHILDREN
SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS (1972) Twenty-ish high
schooler Kevin (Matt Mitkevicious) tells female friend Starr (Kristen
McCrory) , "I'm a fan of obscure horror films " and he
wears horror-based tee shirts. Starr says she won't make love to
anyone who wears shirts like that because she thinks less of them, so
Kevin takes off his CURSE
OF FRANKENSTEIN (1957) tee shirt and he and Starr get busy.
Since this film is so lousily acted , it isn't even good for an
unintentional laugh. All you feel is pity. Better editing and using
film instead of video would have made this a much better film
(Shooting night scenes on video is not as good as shooting on film).
Also starring Eric Fox, Katheryn Aronson, Samantha M. Capps, Amanda
Kiley and André Le Blanc. A Wild
Eye Releasing DVD Release. Unrated,or
as it says on the DVD Sleeve in small print: "Really Unrated".
CABIN
FEAR (2015) - Here's a slasher
film, originally titled SECLUSION
(the name change is obvious as a video generated "Cabin
Fear" covers the original title, both in the opening and closing
credits), that will bore you to tears, even though it contains plenty
of nudity (both male and female), simulated sex and bloody practical
makeup effects, you'll be watching the clock rather than watching the
film. The film concerns itself with a small wedding that is to take
place at an isolated cabin in the woods, where the bride-to-be, Sarah
(Clea Alsip), and future groom, Grant (co-screenwriter &
co-producer Matthew Wise), arrive at the said cabin, where friends
Carter (Duane Nikia Cooper), his girlfriend Trish (Alyson McKensie
Wells), lesbian Beth (Jacki Byrne) and Grant's ex-girlfriend Dani
(Nicole Pacent) are the invited guests. They immediately are
introduced to foul-mouthed and womanizer mail-order ordained minister
Jay (director/co-producer Joe Bandelli), who begins hitting on the
females (including Sarah). He marries the couple and then tries to
force himself on Trish at the
reception, but Carter catches him and punches him in the face a few
times. Jay goes into the woods to get away from him, only there's a
much bigger threat out there: A hooded killer, who pins Jay's hand to
a tree with a crossbow bolt when he is taking a leak. The killer
chases Jay and he hides behind a tree (Jay rips his hand off the
crossbow bolt in the tree), only to be shot in the crotch with the
crossbow, the killer twisting the bolt while blood spurts into the
air (talk about a climax!). The question becomes, who is the killer
and what are his/her motive? Since the list of suspects is small,
including cabin caretaker, the grizzled old-timer Walter Clayton
(Ralph Cashen), you would think you already know the answer, but you
would be wrong (I guessed who the killer was as soon as Dani was
invited). Grant, Dani and Walter go looking for Jay in the woods,
only for Grant to lose both of his searchmates (red herring alert!).
At the same time Grant loses sight of both Walter and Dani, the
killer strikes at the cabin, slicing Trish's throat with a butcher
knife while she is taking a shower. Carter can't find Trish (the
shower is now clean and empty), so he goes out to Walter's cabin,
where we see a crossbow, but no Walter (Previously, Walter calls
Carter, who is black, a "boy", and it is apparent he
doesn't approve of interracial couples). The electricity goes out in
the cabin, so Beth goes down in the basement to check out the fuse
box. She get the electricity to work again. When the lights go out
again, Beth does the same thing, only this time she sees Dani's
corpse next to the fusebox (a cockroach comes crawling out of her
mouth) and has Sarah (who faints at the sight of blood) join her in
the basement. Meanwhile, Grant finally reunites with Walter (who says
he twisted his ankle) and Dani in the woods and they return to the
cabin., to find that there is no one there. Jay has gone out to the
woods to search for Trish and the girls are in the basement (which
looks more like a mineshaft). Carter returns in the middle of the
night and everyone tells him about Trish. He goes down in the
basement and brings her corpse upstairs, where he blames Walter for
killing her. He goes running back to Walter's cabin and discovers
Jay's body which is encased in Saran wrap, but Walter is nowhere to
be found. Carter returns to the cabin and has a heart to heart talk
with Grant where he tells Grant that Trish has cheated on him before
(What?!?!?!) and, as sad music plays on the soundtrack, we discover
that Carter was going to propose to Trish (What!?!?!). He pulls out a
ring that he was going to give his girlfriend that weekend. Beth goes
mental and threatens everyone with a baseball bat. She locks herself
in her bedroom and takes her insulin shot (Beth is a diabetic). As
soon as she injects herself, it is plain to see that it wasn't
insulin in the syringe. Beth begins to twitch wildy, foams at her
mouth and dies. The lists of suspects are now growing smaller (you
would have to be a total idiot not to know who it is, as it tries too
hard to pin Dani as the killer). Everyone decides to get in one of
the cars and drive away, but the car won't start and the tires are
flat. Carter lifts the hood of the car and finds Walter's decapitated
head lodged in the engine. Carter says he can take the tires off his
car (his car overheated on the trip to the cabin) and put them on the
other car, so he uses a jack to lift up the other car. As we expect
the car to drop on Carter, it does, but the car does not touch
Carter. Instead, he has his left arm chopped off by the killer, who
nows has an axe. Grant is caught kissing Dani by Sarah and she runs
out of the cabin. Grant goes searching for her. Sarah comes back to
the cabin and gets into a fight to the death with Dani. All the while
we are led to believe that Dani is the hooded killer (The film tries
hard to make her look like the culprit. Maybe a little too hard.),
but when Grant comes back and finds Dani on top of Sarah on the
floor, he becomes enraged and throws Dani off of her, where Dani is
impaled in the head with a shelf bracket. We then discover that Sarah
was the killer all the time (we see her fondling a necklace that
Walter wore and said he would never take it off because it was the
only thing that reminded him of his dead wife. What good is a
necklace if you no longer have a head?). Sarah gets away with it and
Grant doesn't have a clue that he married a psychopath. This is
boredom taken to the 10th degree, even though there is plenty of
nudity and some gory practical effects. Director Joe Bandelli (GETTING
WET - 2011) doesn't miss one slasher film cliché,
from no cellphone service in the woods to trying its best to make
someone else look like the killer. I knew it was Sarah when she
welcomed Dani to come to the wedding. Who in the hell wants an
ex-girlfriend of the groom at her nuptials? The characters are
cartoon stereotypes, who always do the worst things at the most
inopportune times. If you are going to make a slasher film today, it
better have a hook to hold your interest. This film's hook is
boredom. 92 minutes of it. Only for people who have to watch every
slasher film made. Filmed in Lehighton, Pennsylvania. An eOne
DVD Release. Not Rated.
BONEJANGLES
(2016) - Simply terrible horror/comedy about a hulking, sexually
repressed, and indestructable, serial killer nicknamed Bonejangles
(screenwriter Keith Melcher), whose real name is Edgar Friendly Jr.
He is sexually repressed because his father, Edgar Friendly Sr.
(Reggie Bannister in nothing but a glorified cameo), told his son
that all women are evil and makes it clear to him by saying,
"Protect your wee winkie!" (Really?). We first meet
Bonejangles in a warehouse where he kills a warehouse worker (who is
reading a nudie magazine called "Melons") by shoving the
rolled-up magazine in his mouth and chopping off his leg with an axe.
He takes a bone from the leg and attaches it to his pants (His
trademark is the sound of clanking bones). We then meet two fuck-up
cops, Doug (Kelly Misek Jr.) and Randy (Jamie Scott Gordon), who are
sitting on a curb talking about sex and we realize that Randy is a
virgin. The Captain shows up, so he tells the two screw-ups that
Bonejangles is trapped in a warehouse and they are to go into the
building and try to capture him. Knowing that he is impervious
to bullets, The Captain gives them tasers (Really?) to stop the
hulking giant. Bonejangles takes out most of the town's police
officers before Randy and Doug run into him. Not knowing what to do
and facing imminent death, they hold each other like little scardy
cats before fellow female officer Lisa (Hannah Richter) disables
Bonejangles with a taser to his chest (low-rent optical effects). Now
heavily sedated, Bonejangles is in custody, but the Mayor doesn't
want him in his town, so Doug, Randy, Lisa and new recruit, the
flamboyant, hoop earring-wearing, Juan (Lawrence Wayne Curry, who
looks like a gay Eddie Murphy) are to transport Bojangles to the town
of Argento (Really?), where they will hand him over to the State
Police for transport to Smith Grove Sanitarium. Doug was born in
Argento and hasn't been there in ten years and for good reason. It
seems that the town is cursed. Every April 18th, the dead rise from
their grave and the zombies chow down on any person they can find,
thanks to a witch named Rowena (Elissa
Dowling; DON'T KILL IT -
2016), who was burned at the stake on that date in the late 1700's
for having sexual pleasure with the devil. Every April 18th, the
townspeople gather in the high school gymnasium and wait for the next
day to avoid the zombies. Guess what day today is? (Doug knew all
this, yet he fails to tell anyone until they are in town!). Once in
Argento, Doug, Randy and Lisa are attacked by zombies, so they shoot
them in the head (off screen). Juan gets frightened and takes off
with Bonejangles in back of the paddy wagon (He has an IV in his arm
that feeds him a huge dose of tranquilizers) and, while trying to
avoid a zombie, he crashes the vehicle and the IV comes out of
Bonejangles' arm. Juan gets out and spots a line of Twinkies on the
ground (Really?) so he picks them up and runs into two hillbillies.
Rather than being frightened, he smiles a shit-eating grin.
Meanwhile, Bonejangles escapes and begins to slaughter a bunch of
campers in the woods (it makes no sense since everyone nearby knows
about the curse). Doug and Lisa lose Randy and he will be Rowena's
next "juice lad". Rowena stays eternally young by making
love to virgins, sucking all of the life juice out of them and
eventually disposing of them when they become a husk of their former
selves. Doug and Lisa make it the the gymnasium, where Doug finds out
his high school love, Sally (Julia Cavanaugh) is about to marry high
school bully Clint (Devin Toft). The sight of Doug instantly brings
back romantic memories to the both of them, so the preacher calls for
a thirty minute break before he performs the ceremony (Really?). Doug
and Sally re-ignite their former love for each other and Clint makes
love to Lisa (Really?). Lisa is killed when she taunts Bonejangles to
follow her. She strips naked and takes a shower in front of him,
knowing that he is sexually repressed (Really?). Bonejangles stabs
her in the stomach with a machete after having flashbacks where his
father once again says "Protect your wee winkie!". Clint
gets his hand cut off by Bonejangles with the same machete (a
horrible effect) while Doug gets the idea of using the
indestructable serial killer as a way to kill Rowena and
lifting the curse off of the town for good. In a bit that will remind
you of THE EVIL DEAD (1983),
Clint attaches a chainsaw to his handless arm (after sealing his
wound with electricity), but when he starts the chainsaw, he cuts his
own head in two! (The only scene that made me laugh). The rushed
ending has Bonejangles showing up and killing Rowena with a machete
to her chest, while Doug and Sally save Randy (who has made love to
Rowena just one time). THE END (Really?). This is a total amateur
production from frame one. The makeup effects reek (Clint's
head cleaving is partially done by obvious lousy GCI) and the acting
can politely be called atrocious. But the worse thing that totally
took me out of the film were the gunshots. Instead of sounding like
gunshots, they sounded like cap pistols. I'm sorry, but a little more
care could have been taken in the looping process for the proper
sound effects. I mean, how hard could it be to use actual gun shot
sound effects to the film? I could download it off the internet. And
the character of Juan sets back gay rights by 50 years. At the finale
of the film, Juan shows up in a pickup with the two hillbillies and
tells Doug and Randy that he is going to stay, with one of the
hillbillies saying, "I'll make you squeal like a pig!" The
satisfied look on Juan's face will make you say "Really?"
Director Brett DeJager (THE
LEGEND OF COOLEY MOON - 2012), who obviously blew his budget
on smoke machines (nearly every scene has "fog" in it, even
the indoor shots!), has no idea on how to pace a film. Scenes just
appear with no connective tissue between the last sequence and the
present one. The rushed ending doesn't answer many of the questions
that this film brings up, like why is Bonejangles indestructable, yet
he is able to be brought down by a mere taser? Does being a
misogynist make you invunerable to bullets? Why does the sergeant
send his worst two fuckups to hand over the worst serial killer in
the town's history? (I know Bonejangles decimated most of the town's
police officers, but sending Juan, who would never even be considered
being made a police officer, along for the ride is beyond the pale).
The feeble attempts at humor, including the flashback Doug has where
Clint and him are in high school (He keep getting hit in the head
with a basketball while Clint yells out "Heads up
dingleberry!", even in situations where tossing a basketball is
impossible), are beyond not funny. They induce groans rather than
yucks. Even Reggie Bannister, who has no more than five minutes of
screen time, looks embarrassed appearing in drivel such as this, yet
he gets top billing. I'm growing really tired of watching films like
this based on the poster alone. It is obvious that more care was
spent on poster art rather than the film itself. Stay away if you
value your sanity. Thank God it is only 78 minutes long! Also
starring Christopher Hunt, Katie Walgrave, Allen Regimbal, Ben Gersch
(who, as Cletus, has a voice that could make fingernails on a
chalkboard sound pleasant!) and DeJager as "Wes". Filmed in
South Dakota. A Wild Eye Releasing
DVD Release. They are known for releasing the worst drivel to
unsuspecting audiences. Not Rated, but I doubt this was even
submitted to the MPAA, where it would probably garner an R-Rating for nudity.
SUFFER
LITTLE CHILDREN (1983) - I
remember hearing and reading about this film in the early-'80s.
People said it showcased children actually being killed. Some people
said it was a snuff film. It didn't help that 99% of the cast and
crew never did any other film or TV work, it only backed-up their
claims. It was downright impossible to get a copy of this film, even
from gray market sellers. Thanks go (or blame) to Intervision Picture
Corp., who have released this on (fullscreen) DVD totally uncut and
uncensored. After viewing it, I have come to two conclusions: 1)
People are stupid. 2) All the fuss made about this
"film" was only ballyhoo disguised as disgust, for this SOV
atrocity isn't even good for a laugh.
The film opens at the Sullivan Childrens home in 1984 on a Sunday,
as we watch a small girl named Elizabeth (Nicola Diana) knock on the
door and hand headmistress Jenny (Ginny Rose) a note. She reads it
and hands it to headmaster Maurice (Colin Chamberlain; he is actually
called "Morris" in the film, even the credits got it
wrong!) and the note reads: "Please take care of Elizabeth.
She can't speak. This is the right place for her." Not
knowing who her parents are, Maurice calls the police (they never
show up). When little girl Cath (Angela Hilton) insults
Elizabeth because she can't speak, a door slams on her head, causing
her to get knocked unconscious. It is obvious that Elizabeth has
supernatural powers (but not to the oblivious adults).
The next afternoon, famous pop star Mick Philips (Jon Hollanz), who
use to be a resident of the childrens home, stops by with his
foul-mouthed roadie Hustler (Mark Insull). Mick is going to put
on a concert, the proceeds going to the home. He gives Elizabeth his
crucifix necklace when she points at it. That night, while Elizabeth
is rubbing the crucifix between her fingers, Carol (Joanna Bryant)
and Jools (Sharnilla Babjee) have a shared nightmare where they are
being chased by zombies. They run away and meet Elizabeth, who is
having a picnic in the garden. They sit down beside her and so do the
zombies (!). The next morning, crippled child Basil (Nick Coquet)
falls down the stairs and is seriously injured (he spits blood).
Carol and Jools blame Elizabeth (they are right), but Jenny and
Maurice don't believe them.
Shit, I can't go on. This "film" is so insufferable, I was
tempted to turn it off and throw the DVD into the microwave (but I
always watch the entire movie no matter how bad it is. It's a curse,
not a gift.). For one thing, it is shot on video (SOV). It is also
impossibly cheap-looking and the "acting" is abysmal. The
awful music suddenly gets very loud, drowning out the dialogue (Their
British accents are so thick and the sound is recorded so low, I had
to use the optional English subtitles to make out what they were
saying). It is also edited with a trowel, as scenes just pop-up
without any connective tissue. The source print used for the DVD has
rollouts and static. It's like watching a prerecorded VHS tape
encoded in the EP Mode, where the VCR tries to properly track the
tape, but fails. I don't know whether Intervision did this on purpose
or not, but it is very annoying. I can't believe people back in the
day thought that this was real. It is total amateur hour (well, it is
a looooong 76 minutes). Even your home videos are better acted than
what we see in this film. It doesn't surprise me that
director/co-producer Alan Briggs or his wife, screenwriter Meg Shanks
never made anything else (Meg Shanks ran a Drama School for children
and most of her students appeared in this film. No wonder why her
school never turned out anyone famous!). It's quite awful, making the
SOV films BOARDING HOUSE (1982)
and SLEDGEHAMMER (1984; also an
Intervision title) look professional in comparison. The special
effects are also lousy. When Elizabeth moves a desk with her
supernatural powers, you can see a man on all fours moving it with
his back! When Elizabeth makes a potted plant and a pencil levitate,
you can see the strings holding them. The makeup effects, while
bloody, look to have been done by a grade schooler (check out Carol
stabbing herself in the leg). In the finale, when the kids go on a
murder spree while under Elizabeth's powers, slaughtering all the
adults with knives, it elicits laughter rather than fear (mainly for
the cheap way it is done; especially when a knife blade enters the
back of Maurice's head and exits out of his mouth). Oh, and did I
mention Jesus makes an appearance during the finale to defeat a
Devil-possessed Elizabeth? The extras on the DVD includes a trailer
and an interview with director Alan Briggs, who speaks of this film
like it is the CITIZEN KANE of do-it-yourself films. There is
also an interview with fanzine creator John Martin, who gives us a
history of this film and the controversy it caused with the British
censors. It's the best part of the disc. The opening and closing
credits look as if they were done on a Commodore 64, as the typeface
looks like something you would find on a dot matrix printer (remember
them?) and, during the closing credits, they credit films like PSYCHO
and HALLOWEEN as influences.
Don't make me laugh. Also "starring" Nicola Bratley, James
Hillis, Ben Woods and Natalie Toubkin. Most of the adults work in
various capacities behind the scenes. An Intervision DVD Release. Not
Rated.
AMITYVILLE:
THE AWAKENING (2015) -
Another PG-13 piece of shit from producer Jason Blum and his
BlumHouse Production outfit. It was also released by the
legally-troubled Weinstein Brothers' Dimension Films, who held the
film for over two years before it got a limited theatrical/VOD
release and then was immediately dumped on home video. It's easy to
see why. Forty years after Ronald DeFeo murdered six family members
at the house in Amityville, a new family moves in: Mother Joan
(Jennifer Jason Leigh; EYES
OF A STRANGER - 1981), young daughter Juliet (Mckenna Grace),
rebellious goth daughter Belle (singer Bella Thorne) and her comatose
twin brother James (Cameron Monaghan; THE GIVER
- 2014). James is brain-dead and has been in a coma for over two
years since he fought a man who plastered naked photos of Belle all
over the internet and was pushed off a third floor balcony. I know
what you are thinking and you are absolutely correct.
Mom purposely moved into this house so James could come back to life
(She says to Belle: "God gave up on us so I gave up on
God!"). That is what is wrong with this film. It is a
by-the-numbers horror flick. Everything you think is going to happen
does happen, thereby giving audiences no surprises. I don't think I
have ever seen Jennifer Jason Leigh act so amateurishly. It's like
she knew she signed on for a loser of a film. The breaking point
comes when new school friend Terrence (Thomas Mann; BLOOD
FATHER - 2015) tries to tell Belle (Who wears black
lipstick, wears too much mascara and dresses in tight black clothing.
Isn't goth dead?) about the history of the house and when Belle says
doesn't know anything about it (Really???), Terrence pulls out the
MGM DVD of the original AMITYVILLE
HORROR (1979) and says they should watch it at her house at
3:15 AM, the same time as when Ronald DeFeo murdered his family 40
years earlier! And she agrees!!!! (They don't watch the 2005
remake because "Remakes suck." So do Amityville
franchises!). All this film has to offer are jump scares and very
little else. One major problem I had with this film was James'
comatose body. It is so atrophied and thin (you can count every one
of his ribs), it is unbelievable. All coma patients go through daily
rehabilitation so their joints don't get stiff, but not in this film.
It's hard to believe James is still alive (and his bedroom is
directly above the basement chamber that James Brolin discovered!),
so when he does come to life, possessed by the evil of the house (the
film doesn't even bother to tell us who is possessing James), it
comes as no surprise that his body miraculously transforms into that
of a healthy teen, who grabs a shotgun and goes searching for his
family members in the house (a direct steal from AMITYVILLE
II: THE POSSESSION - 1981). It's hard to believe this came
from director/screenwriter Franck Khalfoun, who gave us the really
good remake of MANIAC (2012). He
shows us none of that film's inventiveness here, just basic horror
cliches. There are too many loose ends, as plot points are brought up
and never elaborated on, especially Dr. Milton (Kurtwood Smith; ROBOCOP
- 1987), James' doctor. Not only should he have is medical license
pulled because of the condition of James' body, but when he turns
James' body to the side, he discovers his back is full of maggots and
flies, which fly into his mouth (a cheap and unconvincing CGI
effect). He then disappears from the film and we never learn what
happens to him. We also never see what happens to the family's German
shepard, Larry, as Juliet simply finds him floating in the lake (That
will teach them for naming him Larry!). That is what I hate about
PG-13 movies; we are supposed to imagine the deaths without actually
seeing them. This film is the blueprint on what is wrong with PG-13
horror flicks (Apparently, 13 minutes of footage was cut from the
film in order for it to get a PG-13 rating, yet the footage was not
restored for the disc release. Bad decision.). No scares. No blood.
No horror. I consider AMITYVILLE:
THE AWAKENING the anti-horror horror film. I would rather
watch my home movies than watch this again (there's much more horror
in those!). This film carries a 2015 production date, but it was
actually filmed as early as 2012. Also starring Jennifer Morrison,
Taylor Spreitler and Hunter Goligoski. A Lionsgate
Home Entertainment DVD & Blu-Ray Release. Rated PG-13.
BALLAD
IN BLOOD (2016) - Ruggero
Deodato, the director of the groundbreaking CANNIBAL
HOLOCAUST (1980), as well as PHENOMENAL
AND THE TREASURE OF TUTANKAMEN (1968), WAVES
OF LUST (1975), LIVE
LIKE A COP, DIE LIKE A MAN (1976), THE
HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK (1979), RAIDERS
OF ATLANTIS (1983; his best film, in my opinion), CUT
AND RUN (1985) and DIAL:
HELP (1988), tries to keep his career alive in the second
decade of the New Millennium with disastrous results. Not only are
the "heroes" of this film degenerate druggies, they are the
most unlikable people to ever grace the screen, doing things that no
respectable person would ever do, making the viewer not care one iota
what happens to them. Hell, we wish they would die rather than watch
them do the things they do in this film. And they talk like no other
human beings in the history of cinema, the dialogue coming out of
their mouths best described as how Italians think every American drug
addict talks, making this film a chore to sit through.
The film opens on the morning after Halloween, where black drug
dealer Duke (Edward Williams, who sends Civil Rights back a hundred
years with his performance) wakes up completely naked in a bathroom,
stepping on glass from a bottle he has just broken. He hobbles into
the next room, where his friend Jacopo (Gabriele Rossi, who plays his
role as a man who has done way too many drugs, slurring his words and
rarely opening his eyes more than a squint. Maybe he isn't acting!)
is screwing Lenka (Carlotta Morelli), screaming at them to stop
fucking and get him some antiseptic for his foot. Jacopo tells him to
chill out and when they look up at a roof window, they see a naked
woman lying there. Duke and Jacopo are so wasted, they break the
window with a ladder and the naked woman falls to the floor, dead,
her throat cut from ear to ear. Lenka tells them it is her friend
Elizabeth (Noemi Smorra), but none of them can remember what happened
the night before because they were so wasted. Duke then gets an
emergency phone call, so he and Jacopo leave the apartment (!). We
then discover the "emergency" is a drug buy for one of
Duke's customers (a goth man and his male goth friends), but he
doesn't have any money, so Duke hits him over the head with a beer
bottle (!) while Jacopo rifles through his wallet, taking 100 Euros
and the coke and pills inside it (Jacopo
swallows the pills without asking what they are, but he's a
"good" drug addict who doesn't like coke!). They return
back to Lenka's apartment and discover her taking a bath...with
Elizabeth's dead body! They must discover who killed Elizabeth since
they were all too zonked out the night before (one of them could be
the murderer). Duke wants Jacopo to cut up Elizabeth's body
into pieces, but he refuses, so Duke plants the knife in Elizabeth's leg!
Since both Lenka and Elizabeth are students in Rome as part of the
Erasmus Project (Google it), Elizabeth was recording her life for her
mother back home, using her phone as a camera on a selfie stick. She
may have recorded her own murder, but her phone is nowhere to be
found in the apartment. Lenka then gets a phone call from one of
Elizabeth's friends, who tells her that Elizabeth left her phone at
her apartment the night before. She tells Lenka that she was watching
some of her footage, asking Lenka who the person is in the skeleton
costume. He is in most of the footage with her and Elizabeth. Lenka
can't remember and tells her she will be right over to get the
phone. For some reason, Duke and Jacopo think it is
prudent to kill Elizabeth's friend, so they wait outside while
Lenka goes to retrieve the phone and bring Elizabeth's friend outside
(Jacopo does the coke he stole from the wallet and then complains
that coke dries out his nose!). Unfortunately, the plan doesn't go
off as they think it will, as the friend is taken away by her angry
boyfriend and Lenka comes outside to be accosted by an old woman.
Duke and Jacopo grab the old woman and throw her off a bridge before
Lenka can tell them it isn't Elizabeth's friend. When Lenka tells
them they killed the wrong person, they all have a good laugh!
I wanted to stop watching this film after this scene (Hell, I really
wanted to stop watching after the first five minutes!), but once I
start watching a film, no matter how bad it is, I always finish it,
if only for you, dear reader. To explain how awful this film really
is, let me give you a synopsis about the rest of the fim: Duke finds
the knife that killed Elizabeth hidden under Lenka's bed and the trio
begin to blame each other for Elizabeth's death. Then, out of
nowhere, Duke says he is hungry, opens the refrigerator and screams
at Lenka for not having any food in the house! Duke sends Jacopo out
of the apartment to get rid of the knife and then Duke begins
laughing his head off at a pornographic cartoon he is watching on TV
(About a walking penis trying to find a vagina to enter!), while
Lenka does a striptease in front of him! A minute later, Lenka is
slapping the shit out of Duke's face and tries to break a full bottle
of J&B Scotch over his head. Duke opens the refrigerator once
again and screams that there is no food in the apartment. There is a
character in this film, diminutive bartender Leo (Ernesto Mahieux),
who is only in this film because he is short in stature (4' 11"),
as his dialogue, where he demands "rent" from Duke and
Jacopo makes no sense at all, only put in the film to cover the fact
that nothing in this film makes any sense at all. Duke and Jacopo
then stab each other to death with the knife he was supposed to get
rid of. The film ends with Lenka dancing a ballet around all the dead
bodies and then Leo and his obviously gay lover lead Lenka out of her
apartment and they walk hand in hand down a fog-shrouded street.
WTF?!? I give up!
Deodato paints Rome as a city of decadence, where the streets are
littered with drunks or drugged-out young people lying in alleyways
or making love in front of everyone. This would have worked if the
story weren't so bereft of logic. Give Deodato points for trying to
get our minds off the story by giving us plenty of full-frontal
nudity (both female and male) and tossing in some graphic violence
(especially towards the finale), but nudity and violence without a
story does not make a good film. Far from it, this film is a
travesty. Screw Deodato for unleashing this turgid piece of crap and
then trying to get us to believe it all means something. He should
have quit directing after THE
WASHING MACHINE (1993).
Obviously filmed in English, this film never received a physical
home video release in the United States (at the time of this review)
for reasons that are very clear. No company, at least no good
company, would dare to release it on DVD or Blu-Ray and expect to
make a profit (It was released in both formats in Germany, but in
severely edited form). If you really must watch this (and I don't
have the faintest idea why you would), Amazon Prime offers it
streaming, uncut in a nice anamorphic widescreen print, free to Prime
members. If I must say something good about this film, it is this: It
is professionally shot with a distinct editorial style, but it is
still too little too late. Not Rated.
DEMONS
5: THE DEVIL'S VEIL (1990) -
Lamberto Bava remakes his father Mario Bava's BLACK
SUNDAY (1960), with disastrous results. Filmed as LA
MASCHERA DEL DEMONIO ("The Mask Of Satan", the
original title of Mario's film), this Italy/Spain/France/West
Germany/Portugal co-production is nothing but a series of atmospheric
sequences and the story is near non-existant. A group of young adults
are skiing in the mountains when a crevasse opens up and swallows
them, leaving them lying next to the frozen grave of a vampire witch
(!) named Anibas (Eva Grimaldi; THE
BLACK COBRA - 1987), who is wearing an eerie metal mask with
spikes inside it that keep her from rising to life once again. So
what do these idiotic young adults do? Why, they pry the mask off the
corpse and comment on
how much it is worth! Only the virginal Davide (Giovanni Guidelli; IT'S
HAPPENING TOMORROW - 1988) and his equally virginal
girlfriend Sabina (Debora Caprioglio as "Debora Kinski")
have enough sense to know that it only means trouble, but as fast as
you can say, "Hey, isn't Sabina spelled backwards Anibas?",
strange things begin happening to Sabina and the rest of the group,
who all become possessed, except for Davide, who must find a way to
deflower his bethrothed before he loses her forever to the vampire
witch. Inside this crevass is a deserted village, that is except for
a blind priest (Stanko Molnar; Bava's MACABRE
- 1980 and A BLADE
IN THE DARK - 1983), who lets the group bunk at his church
with his faithful dog. So how does this possessed group pay thanks to
the blind priest? By moving the furniture around, so he falls flat on
his face, as they have a good laugh about it! And how do we know
something evil is going to happen? Well, just before something does,
an ill wind blows through a room and spreads dust around! I could go
on and on on how this is nothing but a slap in the face to Mario
Bava, but I am thankful that he passed away a decade earlier
before his son paid him this "tribute". Not only doesn't
Lamberto have anyone with the talents of Barbara Steele for this
film, he also has no idea what makes Gothic horror work. He thinks
all he needs are a few good sets, some dark photography and a
constant wind blowing, but none of it will work if you don't have
talent and, sadly, Lamberto didn't inherit any of his father's. This
plays like a TV movie with some sparse scenes of nudity and graphic
violence (a flashback sequence is taken nearly verbatim from the
beginning of Mario's film, where the spiked mask is hammered on the
witch's face [gore effects by Sergio Stivaletti; THE
WAX MASK - 1997]). There's nothing in this film that's worth
mentioning, especially the non-ending. It ends like Bava ran out of
ideas or just didn't know how to finish it, so it just concludes with
no rhyme or reason! There's a reason why this film was never released
in the United States on VHS, disc or streaming. One look at it and
you'll know why. I watched this just after viewing Lamberto Bava's THE
PRINCE OF TERROR (1988), which was a TV movie and I thought
nothing could be worse than that film (Golf balls as weapons of
death? Check! A
skinned puppy? Check! A cyborg with an exploding ribcage?
Check!). I was wrong! They don't get much worse than DEMONS 5,
folks. Compared to this, Bava's DEMONS
3: THE OGRE (1988) seems absolutely polished! Also featuring
Mary Sellers (GHOSTHOUSE
- 1987), Alessandra Bonarotta, Ron Williams (BEYOND
THE DOOR III - 1989), Laura Devoti, Stefano Molinari (Bava's DEMONS
2 - 1986) and director Michele Soavi (THE
CHURCH - 1989; THE SECT
- 1991), all as members of the retarded ski party. If you really must
watch this, a fairly nice anamorphic widescreen English-subtitled
print can be found on YouTube from user "42nd Street Films"
(under the title THE MASK OF SATAN). Don't say I didn't warn
you! Not Rated, but not worth it.
DEMONS
III: THE OGRE (1989) - Here
is a TV movie directed by Lamberto Bava, as part of the BRIVIDO
GIALLO (1989) Italian TV mini-series, which consists of
this, GRAVEYARD DISTURBANCE
(1988), UNTIL DEATH (1988)
and DINNER WITH
A VAMPIRE (1989), that is so bad, you'll want to drink the
Rev. Jim Jones' Kool-Aid rather than finishing this film. This may be
the worst horror film I have ever seen (and you know that means
something). It's devoid of anything that
makes a horror film work, including blood, nudity and, especially,
scares. So why am I reviewing this, you may ask? For you, my dear
readers, and I do suffer for you, sometimes way too much. So let's
get to this piece of excrement before I change my mind.
Portland Oregon: Young child Cheryl is trying to sleep during a
raging thunderstorm and becomes scared, calling for her mother. When
Mommy doesn't answer, Cheryl goes looking for her in the house, but
can't find her. Somehow, Cheryl ends up in what looks like a creepy
mining cavern and above her is a giant pulsating sac that looks like
something is about to hatch out of it. A monstrous "Beast"
(Their words not mine) comes out of the sac and chases Cheryl (all we
see is the Beast's gnarly claw-like hands). Yep, turns out it was
only a nightmare, as Cheryl wakes up in bed and her mother is there
to comfort her, telling her that monsters don't exist and if they
did, she will protect her. I guess we all know that monsters do
exist, especially in crappy low-budget TV films like this. Cheryl
tells her mother that the Beast took her teddy bear and begs her to
get it back.
The next time we see Cheryl, she is an adult (Virginia Bryant;
Bava's THE
PRINCE OF TERROR - 1988), in a car driven by her husband Tom
(Paolo Malco; THE
HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY - 1981) and containing her young son,
Bobby (Patrizio Vinci, who is so bad you wish he was aborted). They
are on vacation, driving to a castle they have rented somewhere in
the mountains of Italy, a place they have never been to before. They
stop at a bar in a small village to ask directions and when Tom
mentions the name of the castle, the men in the bar (including an
uncredited Bava and Roberto Dell'Acqua [LOADED
GUNS - 1975]) stop what they are doing and stare at him. The
barmaid obviously lies to them, saying she never heard of the place
and one of the men says they made a wrong turn, so Tom, Cheryl and
Bobby get back in their Jeep Cherokee and drive off, Cheryl telling
Tom she is certain the barmaid lied to them. We then discover that
Cheryl is an author of popular horror novels (of course she is!),
telling Bobby that she started writing them when she was in college.
They then find the castle, a huge stone edifice in the middle of
nowhere. As they sleep that night, Cheryl has the nightmare for the
first time since she was a child (only this time, young Cheryl gets
out of bed with an adult Tom sleeping next to her, making it look,
unintentionally, of course [?], like a pedophile's dream come true!).
As young Cheryl runs through the castle, the Beast seemingly bursts
out of a painting but, somehow, Cheryl ends up in the same mining
cavern and hides from the Beast (It's all rather confusing, so don't
try to make sense of it because it doesn't make any sense). Just as
the Beast grabs young Cheryl, the adult Cheryl wakes up. Tom asks
what is wrong and she tells him it was a nightmare she had when she
was a child and the castle has somehow revived the nightmare in her
subconscious. Bobby then starts screaming for help, so Cheryl runs to
his room (but not Tom!) and his bed is empty. She calls out for Bobby
but he doesn't answer. The door behind her slowly begins to open and
Bobby jumps out and says "Boo!". Yes, this little snot was
playing a practical joke oh his mother and instead of taking him over
her knee and whipping his ass with a belt (as I would have...hey, I
had my ass beaten raw when I was a child!), Cheryl laughs and plays
along with it. Little bastard Bobby tells his mother he can't get to
sleep and doesn't know why (I know a good way to put him to
sleep...permanently!), but Cheryl gives him his favorite stuffed toy,
"Mr. Rabbit", and tells him he needs to sleep because his
father is taking him on a hike in the morning. As Cheryl leaves
Bobby's bedroom, she discovers green slime on the doorknob and the
floor and a worried, scared look forms on her face. Is it possible
that the Beast is real?
While Bobby and Tom are on their hike, Cheryl explores the castle
and finds a cobweb-filled room containing old scrapbooks and a
monstrous handprint on the window. So what does Cheryl do? Why, she
starts to type-up her latest horror novel, which she has titled
"A Drawer Full Of Teeth"! As she is typing, a cockroach
jams her typewriter on the letter "A" and she runs away and
goes to the store to pick up more writing materials! It's apparent
the residents of this tiny village don't take kindly to strangers, as
the saleslady at the register refuses to take Cheryl's American
Express Card, even though there is a sign in the window that states
they do take credit cards. Cheryl makes
friends with a local named Anna (Sabrina Ferilli; SWEETS
FROM A STRANGER - 1987), a teacher at the village school who
loans Cheryl the cash to pay for her goods. As they are talking Anna
offers the services of her younger sister, Maria (Stefania Montorsi),
as a babysitter should Cheryl need her.
Oh fuck! The hell with this review, I can't go on. This is the most
ham-fisted, boring horror film that I have ever laid eye(s) on.
Nothing happens here for nearly 94 minutes, except for extreme
tedium, plenty of false scares and a Beast we never get a clear view
of until the last minutes of the film. I first viewed this film early
in the New Millennium and promised myself I would never watch it
again, nevermind reviewing it, but here I am doing the exact
opposite, taking pen-to-paper-to-computer just so I can tell you how
bad this film really is. Not only did I nearly fall asleep (three
times!) watching this nonsense, I really wanted to plant my foot in
Lamberto Bava's nutsac for making such tripe. This is, for a better
phrase, filmic diarrhea, something I wouldn't let my worst enemy
watch, because no one should suffer such pain. Take my word for it,
this film is not worth your precious time, as the screenplay, by Bava
and Dardano Sacchetti (THE
NEW YORK RIPPER - 1982), offers no blood or gore, no foul
language and precious little nudity (except for a brief scene of Tom
and Cheryl taking a bath together, but we have more nudity from Paolo
Malco than we do from Virginia Bryant!), all things we all look for
in an Italian horror film. This is the nadir of filmmaking and is
possibly the worst film I have ever seen (the throwaway line Cheryl
says to Tom about Maria at the end of the film almost made me kick in
my TV screen!). I know that's a bold statement, but consider that a
warning to all you out there that want to watch this dreck. I just
may have saved your sanity, but I may have lost mine in the process..
Shot as LA CASA DELL'ORCO
("The House Of The Ogre") and also known as THE
OGRE and GHOSTHOUSE
II, this dud didn't come to the United States until 2003,
when Shriek Show/Media Blasters released in on a stand-alone
DVD. A few years later, they released it as part of the DEMONS
TRIPLE FEATURE Box Set, along with Bruno Mattei's THE
OTHER HELL (1980) and Umberto Lenzi's BLACK
DEMONS (1991), making this box set the most boring 270 +
minutes you will ever experience (and, yes, I own it!). If you must
watch it (beats me why), you can find it streaming on YouTube from
user "Horror Realm" in a nice anamorphic widescreen print,
dubbed in English. Abandon hope all yee who enter there. Also
featuring Alex Serra (Bava's DEMONS
- 1985), Alice Di Giuseppe as Young Cheryl and Davide Flosi (BEYOND
JUSTICE - 1992) as the Beast. Not Rated, but nothing
even remotely entertaining.
DARK
HOUSE (2014) - While this horror
film, from pedophile director Victor Salva (JEEPERS
CREEPERS 1 [2001], 2
[2003] & 3
[2017]; once a pedophile, always a pedophile, but I judge films on
their merits, not by someone's criminal record), starts out like
gangbusters, it quickly sinks into the depths of despair, thanks to a
screenplay (co-written by Salva and producer Charles Agron) that
can't make up its mind what genre of film it wants to be. It also has
a finale that can best be described as rushed.
The film opens with 22-year-old Nick Di Santo (Luke Kleintank)
visiting his estranged mother Lilian (a cameo by Lesley-Anne Down; SPHINX
- 1981) at the insane asylum she has been committed to since Nick was
a young child. Lilian refuses to look at Nick, telling him "the
Voice in the Wall" told her that her son was about to have an
important deadly birthday and she needed to warn him. Nick rightfully
thinks his mother is crazier than a loon and quickly leaves the
asylum. We then see that Lilian was telling him the truth, as
"the Voice in the Wall" is angry at her, telling her that
she is about to suffer a fiery death. Nick then learns that his
mother died in a fire at the asylum, so he and his best friend Ryan
(Anthony Rey Perez) go to drown their sorrows at a bar, where Nick
meets pretty young woman Eve (Alex McKenna), who is also having a bad
day. We then learn that Nick has a very strange supernatural power.
By simply touching a person, he can tell when and how they will die
(He touches one young man at the bar, who is about to serve in the
military, and sees him die on the battlefield).
Eight months pass and we can see Eve is very pregnant and it's
Nick's doing (even though they are not married). Nick goes to lawyer
Scott (Max Gail; TV's BARNEY
MILLER - [1974 - 1982]) for the reading of his
mother's will and discovers he has inherited a creepy house he never
knew his mother owned, yet he shows Eve and Ryan that he has been
drawing pictures of that same house ever since he was a young boy; a
house that has something to do with his father, a man he has never
met and who his mother refused to talk about, not even telling Nick
his name. Nick talks Ryan and Eve into joining him to find the house
in hopes it will reveal the identity of his father. He is not going
to like what he discovers.
When the trio get to the town where the house is supposed to be
located, they enter a diner and ask about
the house's location, only to discover that the house was washed away
in a flood twenty years earlier. A man in the diner tells Nick that
legend has it that the house survived the flood and it now sits
somewhere in the woods, miles away from where it originally stood.
Nick, once again, talks Ryan and Eve into looking with him for the
house to see if the legend is true (This is where the film begins to
fall apart for me. Eve looks like she could drop the baby at any
moment, yet Nick makes her trek through the woods, miles away from a
hospital or a doctor. It's no wonder they aren't married. He doesn't
seem interested in the baby's safety at all!). When the trio are in
the woods looking for the house, they meet a trio of county land
surveyors, Sam (Ethan S. Smith), Lilith (Lacey Anzelc) and Chris
(Zack Ward; DON'T BLINK -
2014). Chris tells Nick that he saw a huge trail in the woods, as if
something quite large carved a path during a flood. Nick decides to
follow it, with Chris and the surveyors leading the way and, sure
enough, they find the house, basically intact, nestled against a
giant tree that stopped it from traveling any further. The house is
in a severe state of disrepair, yet it is occupied by the scary Seth
(Tobin Bell; the SAW franchise
[2004 - 2017]), who tells them to get away from "his" house
(he calls Sam an ancient form of his name, "Samael", as if
he knows him). When Nick begins to ask questions and saying he is the
legal owner of the house, Seth lets him alone come into the house.
Then something creepy happens. As Seth tells Nick that the tree that
stopped the house from traveling any further is a "hanging
tree", Nick is alerted by Ryan to come outside, they are being
surrounded by a bunch of long stringy-haired creepy demons carrying
axes and they chase everyone away from the house, running on all
fours, while throwing their axes at them (it's the film's only eerie
effective sequence). Sam is killed when one of the demons plants an
axe in his head, so everyone else jumps in the surveyor's van and
drive away quickly. The demons still chase them and we watch as the
van runs over one of them and it just gets up as if nothing happened
and continues to chase them, as if they are indestructible. Chris
drives them back to town to contact the police, but when they get
there, the town seems to be deserted. When Nick looks into the
diner's front window, it looks empty, but we can see that it is full
of people, like Nick, Ryan, Eve and the two surviving surveyors are
in some alternate plane of existence. To make matters worse, no
matter what direction they drive, it always leads them back to the
house. What in the Hell is going on here?
Long story short, Chris, Lilith and Sam are disciples of the Devil,
put on Earth to lead Nick to the house. The long-haired, axe-carrying
demons are actually God's angels, who are protecting the house to
make sure Nick never goes into the house's basement to free his
"father", who is the Devil himself. It all leads to a
battle between the Devil's disciples and God's angels, as Nick (who
we discover is very evil) needs 23 human hearts to free his father.
He now has twenty, so Nick thrusts his hand through Ryan's back to
rip out his heart and then goes after Eve and her unborn baby to
reach his goal of 23 hearts, but Seth rescues her, killing Nick and
bringing Eve to the hospital, where she has her baby, a boy. Four
years pass and we see Eve's young son drawing a picture of the Dark
House, while a "Voice in the Wall" tells him how the house
should look and that he will see it in person on his 23rd birthday. THE
END.
My biggest problem with this film, besides the hackneyed plot, was
how fast Nick's demeanor changed from good to evil in the film's
finale. His 180° turn makes absolutely no sense and seems to
happen just to advance the plot for the "surprise"
denouement, which isn't a surprise at all, it just seems tacked-on
for an eventual sequel (which, thankfully, never materialized),
trying to make us forget the story's many gaping plot holes. While I
do not try to hide my distain for Victor Salva as a despicable human
being, there's no arguing that he has talent as a director, as this
film does have some very atmosphereic sequences and some dollops of
graphic gore, but as a screenwriter, he just doesn't have the chops
to pull off this film's lofty ambitions, which is where this film
fails big time. People do the stupidest things possible (After being
trapped in the house by God's angels, Ryan and Lilith sneak out of
the house and go to the van, where they make love! Really?) just to
advance the plot. Speaking of this film's lofty ambitions, it is
obvious that Salva got the money to make this film from a doctor and
a lawyer, as one producer's name ends in "M.D." and
another's ends in "Esq." (Tobin Bell also gets a producer's
credit). This film could have been so much better if Salva stepped
away from the writer's table and let someone else be in charge of the
screenplay. As it stands now, this film (originally titled HAUNTED)
is nothing more than an atmospheric grand failure. Also featuring
Daniel Ross Owens (Salva's ROSEWOOD
LANE - 2011), Patricia Belcher (TV's BONES
[2005 - 2017]) and Tim J. Smith (DRIVE
ANGRY - 2011). Rated R.