ALABAMA'S
GHOST (1972) - When Alabama
(Christopher Brooks) accidentally drives a forklift through a wall in
the basement of San Francisco's famed Earthquake McGoon's nightclub,
he finds a hidden passageway that leads to a room that contains all
the possessions of "World's Greatest Magician" Carter The
Great (E. Kerrigan Prescott), who mysteriously died years before.
Alabama finds a box that contains the address of Granny (Ken
Granthan), Carter's "sister". The box also contains some
magical herb (called "raw zeta"), which he and
Granny smoke in a pot pipe. Alabama is forced to team up with Zoerae
(Peggy Browne), Granny's assistant, as he wants to become a master
magician using Carter's found possessions. This leads Alabama on a
weird journey that includes vampires, robots, voodoo ceremonies,
ghosts, rock music, go-go dancers, a disappearing elephant, a biker
gang, a disembodied heart and the occasional drooling fanatic.
Alabama puts on magic shows at Earthquake McGoon's, billing himself
as "Alabama, King Of The Cosmos", to packed houses. He is
picked-up by promoter Otto Max (Steven Kent Browne), who tells
Alabama, "Surrealism is in. Surrealism is where it's at!"
Otto books him on a tour across the United States, where he achieves
much acclaim. Things start going wrong for Alabama when one of his
female assistants is severely injured while he performs a sword trick
(she also has two puncture wounds on her neck). More accidents happen
which leads up to the grand finale: A world-wide televised showing of
Alabama doing Carter's "disappearing elephant act", which
will have dire consequences on anyone who watches it. How it ends:
I'll never tell. I've barely scratched the surface on this
off-the-wall, rarely-seen supernatural thriller.
Director/producer/writer Fredric Hobbs (ROSELAND
- 1970; GODMONSTER OF INDIAN FLATS -
1973) has crafted an intricate, multi-layered film which can only be
described as one-of-a-kind. Hobbs was way ahead of his time, kind of
a David Lynch of the 70's. ALABAMA'S
GHOST
veers off into many different directions, but never disappoints the
viewer. Watch it straight or stoned; it doesn't matter. It's a
facinating experience no matter what state you're in. E.
Kerrigan Prescott, Christopher Brooks and Steven Kent Brown have
appeared in all three of Hobb's above mentioned films. Also starring
Karen Ingentron as Dr. Caligula, Ann Weldon as Mama-bama, Ann Wagner
Ward as Marilyn Midnight and Neena the elephant. With special
appearances by musical groups The Turk Murphy Jazz Band and The
Landing Zone and improvational group The Cockettes. I've
unofficially heard that Hobbs gave up film to become a sculptor after
making GODMONSTER. That's filmmaking's loss. This film screams
out for a re-release as it is now only available on VHS on the OOP ThrillerVideo
label hosted by Elvira, who interrupts the film midway to do some of
her shtick. Anchor Bay should do a restoration and release it on DVD
so it can get the cult following it deserves. Believe it or not, this
film was Rated
PG
when originally released. This is the strangest PG film you will ever view!
ALIEN
BEACH PARTY MASSACRE (1995) -
When you see a film with a title like this, your expectations
automatically become lower than if you were to, say, watch the latest
Hollywood blockbuster or even one of The Asylum's latest
"mockbusters". But, when you insert this tape into your VCR
and the first thing you see onscreen is "A Gizz Film", you
just know that the last remaining brain cells will jump out of your
ears, making your cranium ready for the onslaught of awfulness that
is ALIEN BEACH PARTY MASSACRE. And what beautiful awfulness it
is. After an opening credits sequence with a slammin' 60's style
surfing instrumental (by The Insect Surfers, and you might as well
get familiar to the tune, because it's apparently the only song they
know how to play!), we are introduced to a race of friendly aliens as
they head through space in their ship (which looks like a
chopped-down model of the USS Enterprise from STAR
TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION [1987 - 1994]), who are on their
way to Mirus 3 to deliver a prototype weapon called the Deathsphere.
Bumbling alien janitor Nagillig (George Willis; and, yes, his name is
"Gilligan" spelled backwards, so you know how bumbling he
really is. Somewhere, Bob Denver is spinning in his grave.) and the
rest of the crew watch a promotional video made by a nasty pig-nosed
alien race on the planet Ghastor that shows how to use the
Deathsphere (every
time the gadget's name is shown onscreen, it is followed by the "Trademark"
symbol!), which turns out to be a weapon that kills all people but
leaves the planets intact. The friendly alien race (who speak in
high-pitched reverse English and chicken noises, which are subtitled
into English) are bringing the Deathsphere (which looks like a
common beach volleyball) to Mirus 3 to dismantle it, but idiot
Nagillig breaks the glass case it's stored in and the
Deathsphere falls to the floor, just as head Ghastorian bad
guy, Lord Odem (who is played by three different people, including
the director), catches up to them in his spaceship and fires
torpedos, damaging their ship and forcing them to crash on Earth, but
not before Nagillig puts the Deathsphere into a torpedo chamber
and ejects it, where it lands on the beach in a town full of jocks,
cheerleaders, drunks and potheads. Nagillig is the only one to
survive the crash, so he has to grab a tracking device (out of the
pants of a not-quite-yet-dead comrade, who has been cut in half by
the crash!) and find the Deathsphere before Lord Odem does.
Only Dr. Bateman (John Eineigl) knows that aliens have come to Earth,
so he jumps in his van to find proof, while dim-as-a-broken-lightbulb
Nagillig wanders around town, stealing a blind man's pencil cup and
being outfitted in awful beach gear by a huckster clothing store
owner. Hilarity ensues when Nagillig is mistaken for someone's cousin
from New Jersey (it must be his green skin!) and he joins hairy
pothead Glue (co-screenwriter Eric Zumbrunnen), jock Bud (Perry
Martin), cheerleader Babs (Stacey Havener), brainiac Robin (Kourtney
Kaye) and others for some fun on the beach, while Lord Odem and his
spiked leather-masked minion Number Two (who is played by two
different actors) mistaken a common beach volleyball for the
Deathsphere (Glue has the real one) and Dr. Bateman tries to
prove the existence of aliens. This is surprisingly funnier
than it has any right to be, if you watch it in the right frame of
mind, preferably buzzed on a case of beer or a few joints. Director
Andy Gizzarelli (the "Gizz" mentioned in the beginning of
the film and his only directorial effort), who wrote the joke-filled
script with co-star Eric Zumbrunnen and producer Mike Parente, keeps
the film moving at a brisk pace and even throws-in a few scenes of
bloody gore, mostly used for comical effect. While the cast is
strictly amateur hour (especially John Eineigl as Dr. Bateman), in
this film it actually works in its' favor. Zumbrunnen's character,
Glue (real name: Elmer, and, yes, I laughed when that tidbit was
revealed) has his long hair covering his face for 99% of his screen
time (even when he is toking on a bong or a joint) and he, along with
his two stoner friends, Jeff (Mark Fite) and Alan (Max Fisk), have
some of the best lines in the film. They're mostly all pot-related
(or influenced), but they're still funny nonetheless. I also like the
way the film switched gears from a beach party flick to a haunted
house thriller, as the entire cast go to the "old Willoughby
place" to smoke pot and have sex, only to be stalked by Lord
Odem and Number Two. There's a beheading (while Bud is getting head);
Bud is shot in the crotch with an alien crossbow device (Babs is shot
in the stomach with the same device); another girl has her arm cut
off (Jeff says to her, "Linda, like don't worry, we know where
your arm is!"); Dr. Bateman has his hand cut off (Glue says,
"I hope that wasn't your stroking hand!") and then loses
other appendages in true Monty Python fashion; Jeff is impaled on the
fin of a surfboard; and other crazy nonsense (the bad aliens are
allergic to suntan lotion!), all done with tongue firmly planted in
cheek. While I know this isn't going to be everyone's cup of tea
(some people are going to hate this from the first frame) and the CGI
and green screen effects are crappy, this does have a crazy charm
that I found infectious. So sue me. Also starring Lisa Frankiel, Eric
Jacobson, Judi Alley and Tom Terri. A McCarter Multimedia Marketing
VHS Release (Yeah, I never heard of them either until I picked up
this tape!). Not available on DVD. Not Rated.
ANGUISH
(1986) - Warning: If you have yet to view this strange and
manipulative horror movie (possibly the weirdest horror film made in
the 80's to get a wide theatrical release), please do not read this
review. This is a film that should be experienced for the first time
with no previous knowledge of what you are about to be put through,
because the narrative structure is quite unlike any film you've seen
before. The film opens with severely troubled John (Michael Lerner; STRANGE
INVADERS [1983] and nominated for an Academy Award for his
role in BARTON FINK
[1991]), a hospital orderly who is slowly going blind due to
diabetes. He is having trouble distinguishing reality from fantasy
thanks to his domineering mother (Zelda Rubinstein; best known for
her role in POLTERGEIST
[1982], but she is absolutely unforgettable here), who hypnotizes him
on a daily basis. After his hypnosis sessions, John travels around in
a trance and removes people's eyes with a scalpel, bringing the orbs
to his mother as gifts. It's during one of these eye removal scenes
(about 22 minutes into the film) that we discover that what we are
actually viewing is nothing but a film (titled THE MOMMY)
being watched by an audience in a movie theater,
but it seems like some audience members are also being affected by
Mommy's on-screen hypnosis methods (It's a sequence you won't soon
forget once you've viewed it). It seems to particularly affect one
male audience member (Angel Jove), who seems to take Mommy's
on-screen suggestions a little too seriously (subtle hints are
dropped that he has seen this film many time before in this same
theater) and begins murdering members of the audience, while John is
on-screen killing members of an audience in a theater showing the
1925 dinosaur film, THE LOST WORLD.
As John begins decimating everyone in the theater on-screen, the
crazy male member in the real (?) theater begins shooting people with
a silencer-equipped pistol. One girl witnesses him killing the
ticket-taker and the candy counter girl and escapes the theater
(leaving her nervous female friend inside), but the killer then locks
the theater doors so no one can leave or get in. It's not long before
the fictional film on-screen and the actual killer's actions are
being played-out in-synch in a finale that is must be seen to be
fully appreciated. Just when you think it's over, it's not. The
best way to describe this film is that it fucks with your mind to the
point that you're not sure what is real and what is fiction, much
like what John is going through in the film-within-a-film. If I
weren't a rational human being, I'd swear that I was actually being
hypnotized while watching this. Director/screenwriter Bigas Luna (REBORN
- 1981) masterfully makes us wonder if we are witnessing life
imitating art or art imitating life, purposely keeping the viewer off-balance
in a cacophony of sights and sounds that defy description (once you
see the sight of a snail riding on the back of a pigeon, you'll swear
that someone slipped you some hallucinogenics in your soda!). ANGUISH
is probably one of the most original and overlooked horror films of
the 80's; a total masterwork of the macabre (A lot of reviewers
compare this to HE KNOWS
YOU'RE ALONE [1980] because of the film-within-a-film
opening, but the comparisons end there). The only way to fully
appreciate this unheralded classic of modern horror is in a packed
theater (man, that must have been cool, not to mention
goosebump-inducing!), but Anchor Bay Entertainment offers a nice
widescreen DVD that tries to duplicate the experience. I can't
recommend this film enough to fans of obscure horror. It plays with
your head in so many ways, you won't know whether you're coming or
going. Why isn't this film more popular? This is a one-of-a-kind trip
into the bizarre mind of a mad genius (Bigas Luna is like a demented
Spanish David Lynch, except his narrative structure is much easier to
follow), who would gain international arthouse fame with 1992's JAMON
JAMON (hey, even I like that one!). After viewing REBORN
and ANGUISH, I really wish that Mr.
Luna strayed to the dark side just one more time. Stay through the
end credits because it adds further depth to the experience. My
highest recommendation. Also starring Talia Paul and Clara Pastor.
Originally released on VHS by Key
Video in a fullscreen version (not the best way to watch it).
Buy or rent the widescreen DVD from Anchor
Bay Entertainment instead. Rated R.
APPOINTMENT
WITH FEAR (1985) - OK,
let's get this out of the way before I begin the review: Any film
that lists "Alan Smithee" as a director usually means the
film you are about to watch is going to be a total mess. I just
wasn't prepared for what was a weird mess this film was going to be.
We first spy chain-smoking Detective Kowalski (Douglas Rowe, who
looks like he stepped out of a 40's detective movie) staking out the
house of an unknown woman with a baby. When she leaves the house with
the baby, he follows her, but she is also being followed by an
unknown man (Garrick Dowhen) in a white van. Kowalski's car hits a
lady vagrant's shopping cart and he loses track of the woman, but the
man in the van is still following her. We then cut to Carol (Michele
Little), whose favorite pasttime seems to be spying on people's
conversations and taping them on audio cassette with a sound recorder
shaped like a small satellite dish (you know the kind; cop movies use them
all the time). She watches as the unknown woman stops at a house
nearby and turns her listening device towards her, when the unknown
man (who never utters a single word though the entire film) sits by
her side and she says, "You can't kill the baby. It's your baby.
You can't kill him!", and then he plunges a knife in the woman's
side and leaves. Neighbor Heather (Kerry Remsen, who for some unknown
reason wears bright blue makeup covering her eyes, upper nose and
lower forehead, like a neon mask, throughout most of the film) goes
to the dying lady, who gives her the baby (Heather lost her four
year-old brother a couple of years ago in a bathtub drowning when she
didn't keep an eye on him and was talking on the phone) and tells her
to not let the man get him. The man, we soon find out, is known as
Attis, King Of The Woods (!), who Detective Kowalski put in a coma
years before and believes he can leave his body to kill babies.
You see, Attis needs to kill one baby a year to remain King Of The
Forest (Don't try questioning it, just go along with it. Believe me,
your brain will thank me later.) Kowalski visits Attis in the
hospital on a regular basis (the room is nothing but a bed and a few
electronic doo-dads) and tries to convince Detective Connors (the
late James Avery in a needless role) that Attis is able to leave his
body and appear at will anywhere, but Connors looks at Kowalski like
he is crazy. Meanwhile, Heather (and the baby), Carol and a couple of
her female friends spend a weekend at the house of Carol's's mother's
newest boyfriend (the house looks like it was designed by someone
high on LSD!) and, yes, you guessed it, Attis shows up and begins
dispatching some of the girls to get to the baby. It turns out that
Carol is a crack shot with automatic weapons (which her mother's
boyfriend keeps out in the open!) and she pumps bullet after bullet
into Attis' body, with no effect. It takes Heather to stab him with
the silver tip of a flag pole (!) to finally kill Attis, as we see
his body explode in his hospital room. Now, if any of this sounds
interesting, I apologize, because it has to be the weirdest scripted
film in recent memory. The screenplay, by Gideon Davis and Bruce
Meade, is full of head-scratching dialogue and everyone speaks like
they just stepped out of an issue of Psychology Today. Everyone talks
like they just took a class on existentialism and there are other
head-scratching elements in the film, too, like why would Carol let
bum Norman (Danny Dayton) live in the back of her pickup truck? None
of it makes much sense, such as when Detective Kowalski describes to
Attis a dream he had involving a red pigeon by a clock, who gets
eaten by a bat who gets impaled by the hands of the clock! I mean,
what the fuck?!? Director "Alan Smithee" is actually Ramsey
(Ramzi) Thomas, who never went on to direct another film again
(surprise!), but he has worked in various capacities on other films,
such as Producer on HALLOWEEN 5:
THE REVENGE OF MICHAEL MYERS (1989), that was Executive
Produced by Moustapha Akkad, who also produced this film. I haven't
even scratched the absurdities in this film, like why does Bobby
(Michael Wyle) ride a motorcycle with a female dummy in his sidecar
or how does a group of dancers (direct from Denny Terrio's studio)
suddenly appear in the driveway of the house and why does boyfriend
Cowboy (Vincent Barbour) join-in on the dance? While there is some
fleeting nudity on view, those looking for a gore-drenched slasher
film are going to be very disappointed because the camera cuts away
just as the killings get good (like Norman's decapitation) and there
is much too little blood on screen to make it worth a slasher film
fanatics list of must-see films. I will give it this: It is weird
beyond belief and feels like it was filmed is some sort of alternate
universe. If that turns you on, you may dig this film. All others
beware. It was edited by Herbert L. Strock (who must have had a hard
time making sense of the mess that was put in front of him), who
earlier directed such classic badfilms like HOW
TO MAKE A MONSTER (1958) and THE
CRAWLING HAND (1963). They look like CITIZEN
KANE when compared to this film. APPOINTMENT
WITH FEAR (also known as DEADLY PRESENCE, but I can
find no advertising materials to verify it) was made in 1985, carries
a 1986 production date at the end credits, but not released to home
video until 1987. Also starring Pamela Bach-Hasselhoff, Deborah Sue
Voorhees (who takes a topless swim at the house and is the first to
die there), Mike Gomez, Nick Conti and Sergia Simone. An IVE
VHS Release. Rated R.
ASSIGNMENT
TERROR (1969) - Ridiculous
Spain/West Germany/Italy co-production with an equally ridiculous
story line. An alien race from a dying planet, led by Dr. Odo Varnoff
(a terribly dubbed Michael Rennie; NAKED
YOU DIE - 1968), invade Earth, kill some of the planet's
most intelligent people (both men and women), take over their bodies
and plan on cloning the Earth's most deadly monsters in hopes of
scaring the human population to death!
The monsters they choose to revive should be like an old Universal
Studios monster mash, but since the budget is so low, they couldn't
use their names in the film (even if some ingenious European
distributor renamed the film to a more desirable title, but more on
that later on) and they would hardly scare a baby. Those monsters are
Tao-Tet, the Mummy (Gene Reyes; THE
FEAST OF SATAN
- 1971), Count Janos de Mialhoff, a "Nosferatu" (Manuel de
Blas; THE VAMPIRES
NIGHT ORGY - 1972),the "Farancksalan" Monster
(Ferdinando Murolo; WHAT
HAVE THEY DONE TO YOUR DAUGHTERS? - 1974) and our old friend
Waldemar Daninsky, the Werewolf (Paul Naschy; HORROR
RISES FROM THE TOMB - 1972). What Dr. Varnoff doesn't count
on are his female aliens, who have taken over human female bodies,
will begin to feel real human female emotions, such as love, and they
will ruin his plans of taking over Earth (Well, they are the weaker
sex. Just kidding!). It's who they fall in love with that's ridiculous.
Dr. Varnoff and his crack team of alien scientists (all originally
human and killed by Dr. Varnoff in various ways), including Dr.
Kerian (Angel del Pozo; DEMON WITCH CHILD
- 1974), Maleva Kerstein (Karin
Dor; THE
TORTURE CHAMBER OF DR. SADISM - 1967) and Ilona (Ella
Gessler), revive all the monsters from their long slumbers or deaths
(real life open heart surgery footage is shown when they open up
Waldemar's chest and remove a silver bullet from his heart, put there
by a woman who once loved him. Legend states that a werewolf can only
be permanently killed if a woman who loves him shoots him in the
heart with a silver bullet. This bit of knowledge will come in handy
later in the film). Waldemar, who is given an injection to stop him
from turning into a werewolf, turns into a werewolf anyway at the
next full moon (one of several sloppy scenes in this film) and
escapes from the abandoned monestery where the aliens are hiding out,
nearly killing young woman Ilsa (Patty Shepard; REST
IN PIECES - 1987). When Ilsa reports the incident, Inspector
Henry Tobermann (Craig Hill; THE
BLOODSTAINED SHADOW - 1978) is assigned to the case by the
Chief of Police (Peter Damon; CRACK
IN THE WORLD - 1965) and he slowly falls in love with her.
In a coincidence that is beyond believable (approaching
ridiculousness), Ilsa tells Henry that her father, Judge Sternberg
(Luciano Tacconi) once crossed paths with werewolf Waldemar, and he
tells Henry about the incident, believing every word that comes out
of his mouth (any normal police detective would have looked at the
judge as if he were crazy). Dr. Varnoff manages to recapture Waldemar
without further incident (except we hear he killed a hooker named
"Tootie"! I guess a dead hooker is not that important.).
Now here's where the unbelievable part of the film starts. Maleva
falls in love with Waldemar and Ilona falls in love with the Count,
their strong female feeling for them making it next to impossible for
Dr. Varnoff to control the monsters. The one monster he is able to
control is the Farancksalan Monster (say the name slowly), who walks
around slowly with his eyes closed, yet he is able to unlock doors,
flip switches and nearly kills Waldemar and the Count, but fails.
This all leads to the eventual monster bash, where Waldemar battles
the Farancksalan Monster and the Mummy, defeating them and eventually
battling the Count. Dr. Varnoff, meanwhile, torture Ilona for her
treachery by shocking her with electricity, telling Maleva, "This
is not punishment" (Then what in the hell is it?!?). Waldemar
is then killed by Maleva, for reasons mentioned earlier in this
review. The monsters never do get the chance to scare humanity to
death because of stupid human female emotions. Take that you scumbag aliens!
This cheap film, directed by Tulio Demicheli (RICCO
THE MEAN MACHINE - 1973), is a bottom of the barrel horror
show for so many reasons, I fail to understand why it has fans. The
reasons why we never hear the names Dracula or Frankenstein is
because the production was too cheap to pay the licensing fees, even
though the film was retitled DRACULA
VS. FRANKENSTEIN in Europe (I guess licensing fees don't
apply to titles), over a full year before Al Adamson's DRACULA
VS. FRANKENSTEIN (1971) appeared in theaters. Just as in
Adamson's film, the monsters here are pathetic, eliciting laughs
instead of screams. The Count wears the worst pair of fangs I have
ever seen on a vampire (even those store-bought plastic fangs look
more believable) and the Faracksalan Monster's makeup is so bad (you
can see where they glued on the headpiece, disguising the seam as
stitches) you'll be shaking
your head in disbelief. The Mummy is so thin (and he looks Asian!),
he would probably fall through a crack in the floor. Even the
werewolf makeup Paul Naschy (who also wrote this film, using his full
given name Jacinto Molina Alvarez) wears is subpar, looking dimestore
in appearance when compared to the rest of his werewolf films. Add
all that to absolutely no nudity or graphic violence and what you end
up with is a horror film lacking horror. Purists consider this the
second Daninsky werewolf film (following FRANKENSTEIN'S
BLOODY TERROR a.k.a MARK
OF THE WOLFMAN
[1968], with WEREWOLF SHADOW
[1970] coming after it), but this is the only Daninsky film that has
Naschy as a secondary character, spending more time on the other
monsters and Dr. Varnoff's activities. Director Dimicheli tries to
get our minds off the fact that this film is so cheap by throwing in
some comedy, but it falls flat and makes no sense, such as the scene
where the Inspector gets drunk and then sees himself turning into the
Count in a mirror. A mirror? C'mon on now! At least know your vampire
lore before trying something cheap like this. Unfortunately, also
adding to the film's badness is the print itself. I tried to find an
uncut widescreen print, but they are harder to find than a
leprechaun's gold. I searched high and low for the German DVD which
is in widescreen and uncut (and English subtitled), but I could not
find it for a decent price (some stores want $50.00 just for the
postage alone!). I got stuck with the abysmal 77-minute TV print
(distributed by American International Television), which is missing
more than a few frames, cutting out some important dialogue where Dr.
Varnoff describes to his race why it is so important to revive these
monsters (He even mentions a Golem, but the film was too cheap to
show us one). This print was used for nearly all the VHS (from labels
such as United
American Video and Sinister Cinema) and DVD releases of the film
since it is in the Public Domain (PD), just like many of Naschy's
other Waldamar Daninsky films. My review might have been a little
more positive if I had a good print to watch, but seeing these
monster makeups more clearly wouldn't help my opinion. The English
dubbing is also horrendous. It is obvious many of the actors here are
speaking English, yet the dubbers offer no emotional range in the
characters, making their line readings one-note and monotonous. This
is also the final film of Michael Rennie's storied career, making his
mark in 1951's THE
DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL as the alien Klaatu. I'd like to
think that Rennie didn't dub his own voice here because the budget
couldn't afford it, but it was probaly because he knew what a stinker
this film was. Code Red announced an uncut Blu-Ray back in 2017, but
it hasn't yet been released (at the time of this review). Also known
as REINCARNATOR.
Also starring Diana Sorel and Paul Cross. Not Rated, but
nothing to get upset about, unless you want to see some actors at the
lowest point of their careers.
AT
THE MEETING WITH JOYOUS DEATH
(1973) - "I love the sound of breaking glass" -
Nick Lowe. This very unusual film opens with a father
named Marc (Jean-Marc Bory), an architectural graphic artist and his
daughter, fourteen-year-old Sophie (Yasmine Dahm), having a
conversation offscreen while the camera shows a long shot of their
new home, a small, but sprawling, castle-like structure in the
country. We then see Sophie drawing a picture of their new home with
ivy growing on the outside walls, even though there is none on it
that we can see. As they walk outside, Sophie asks her father if they
should plant ivy at the front of the house and he says no, at least
not at the moment, because her mother, Françoise
(Françoise Fabian; HOW
TO KILL A JUDGE - 1974), is
deathly afraid of spiders and to give her some time to get use to the
large house. Sophie, who talked Mom and Dad into buying this home,
wonders why they are the first people to live in this house for a
very long time. She mentions that every window in the house is
different from one another and wonders if the house is more than a hundred-years-old.
Marc says not necessarily, houses of this type (sort of an Art Deco
style) were also built in the 1930s, telling Sophie, "At that
time, people were dancing the Fox Trot in houses like this one."
Sophie has a very close relationship with her father and gets visibly
jealous when he pays attention to her much younger brother Dominique
(Sébastien Stark), giving him a piggyback ride and walking
towards their new home, asking Sophie if she is coming inside.
Once inside, we see Françoise is about to paint the kitchen,
but Marc wonders if they should hire someone to do it.
Françoise says no, they can't afford it on Marc's salary and
maybe she should go back to writing, her former profession
(Françoise taunts Marc about his job and seems to enjoy it a
little too much). Suddenly a paint can tips over on its own and
spills all over the floor. Françoise thinks Marc was being
clumsy, but he says he had nothing to do with it and walks out of the
kitchen, leaving Françoise to clean up the paint-covered
floor. Sophie, who was laughing after seeing the paint can tip over,
asks her mother if she needs any help, but she tells Sophie to keep
an eye on her brother, who is outside playing war with his vast
collection of miniature leads soldiers. Sophie, who is holding a
rotting piece of rope and tying knots in it, passes by Dominique and
doesn't pay any attention to him, rather picking up two
snails and trying to make them mate by attaching them to each
other, placing them on a rock, surrounding them with the rotting rope
(looking the the Ouroboros, the ancient sign of Infinity) and
covering them with green leaves. Suddenly, Dominique screams out and
everyone comes running, the little boy pointing to his lead soldiers,
which lie on the ground, all of them broken, like they have been
stepped on. Dominique says, "They did it!", meaning the
soldiers did this on their own. This is just the beginning of the
weird happenings in and around the mysterious house, as this family
of four will soon discover.
That night, Dominique screams from his bed after having a nightmare,
begging his parents to sleep with them tonight. They decide to put
him in Sophie's room instead, Sophie objecting loudly, saying it's an
invasion of her privacy and telling her parents, "I don't like
to hear him breathe!" Sophie waits a little while, walks outside
and spots her father opening his bedroom window. She then decides to
teach her parents a lesson about privacy (or she is possessed by the
house) by flinging open their bedroom door, just as Dad was about to
get it on with Mom. A silent Sophie then walks out of the room, with
Marc following and yelling at Sophie about his and her mother's
privacy, but before he can make his point, rocks come flying through
nearly every upstairs window in the house and it becomes a
slow-motion scene of shattering glass flying through the air with
rocks hitting the walls with a loud "thump" (it's a great
atmospheric sequence). The next morning, thinking it was a gang of
punks welcoming them to their new home, Marc and Françoise
have all the broken windows replaced and are having drinks on the
outside pation, when, suddenly, the round patio table flies through
the air, crashes through the glass front door and destroys the living
room before stopping (the effects are low-rent, but effective).
Soon after, their friend Henri (Renato Salvatori; ILLUSTRIOUS
CORPSES - 1976) comes for a visit and the kitchen goes wonky
when all the appliances, including the dishwasher and refrigerator,
begin attacking Henri, trying to crush him. Marc and Françoise,
who are outside with their children, beg Henri to come outside,
forcing Henri to jump out of one of the kitchen windows to escape the
approaching appliances. Henri ends up in the hospital with
lacerations all over his body, two broken ribs and a possible
fractured skull. At the hospital, Marc tells his friend Perou
(Jean-Pierre Darras), a TV producer of a news show, what is happening
at his house, so Perou asks Marc if he can send a small crew to his
house to document the strange happenings there, saying it would be
perfect for his show. Marc agrees, because he, Françoise,
Sophie and Dominique don't plan on going back to the house any time
soon, as they will be staying at Sophie's grandmother's house until
they can find out what is going on in that house (Finally, a family
with common sense! How many times have we seen the opposite happen?).
We are then introduced to Perou's three-man crew: cameraman Leroy
(Michel Creton), lighting technician Kleber (André
Weber) and sound man Beretti (a rail-thin Gérard Depardieu in
one of his early roles). They fit the house with lights, microphones
and cameras to catch the strange happenings supposedly taking place
there, but are disappointed when nothing weird happens. That is until
Sophie makes a surprise appearance, telling Perou that she hitch-hiked
from her grandmother's house because she missed "her"
house. While Perou phones Marc, telling him not to worry, Sophie is
at the house, Beretti, who is cooking dinner, sticks his hand in a
boiling pot of water and screams in pain. Sophie bandages his hand,
but Beretti has no recollection of putting his hand in the boiling
water. An ear-piercing noise then emits from inside the house,
causing everyone, except for Sophie, to cover their ears with their
hands, as it is causing severe pain. As Perou opens the front door
for him and his crew to run outside, the noise suddenly stops, as
they are greeted by a man of the cloth and a group of young girls.
The priests turns out to be Father D'Aval (Claude Dauphin; BARBARELLA
- 1968) and the young girls are his charges, all of them orphans.
Father D'Aval runs the local female orphanage and apologizes for the
intrusion, saying he has been bringing his girls to this house for
the past eight years and this is the first time the house has been
occupied. He brings his female orphans here every year to break up
the monotony of living in the orphanage, saying the girls consider it
a vacation. Father D'Aval offers to leave, saying he can put his
girls back in the minibus they came in and drive back to the
orphanage, but Perou lets them stay, at least for the night. Marc
then arrives and tells Sophie that they will drive back to
grandmother's house in the morning, because he's too tired to drive
back there now. How much do you wanna bet that will never happen?
Rather than describe the rest of the plot of the film, let me just
mention some of the weirdest parts:
Leroy
looks through the keyhole of Father D'Aval's bedroom door and sees
the priest in bed with two young girls, but when he opens the door to
confront the good father, he is alone in the bedroom reading the Bible.
This is a slow-moving, but never boring, foray into the
supernatural. I must say that I wasn't expecting such a linear film,
since director/co-writer (with Pierre-Jean Maintigneux, who wrote the
novel this film is based on) Juan Bunuel was the son of Luis Bunuel,
who is considered
the father of Surrealism Cinema (his short film, UN
CHIEN ANDALOU ["An Andalusian Dog" - 1929), still
sends shocks to audiences today, as he collaborated with surreaslism
painter Salvador Dali to create a 17-minute short film that makes
very little sense, but packs some powerful images, including a woman
having her eye slit open with a straight razor). Luis made many
surreal feature films in his lifetime (he passed away in 1983
at the age of 83), many of them considered classics in their genre.
Juan Bunuel, who passed away in 2017 at the age of 83 (a surreal
coincidence?), took up his father's mantle, but while his films can
be considered weird and somewhat leisurely, they are much more
story-driven and linear in their story-telling. Juan worked just as
much in television as he did in feature films but there is no denying
that this film, as well as his semi-horror film LEONOR
(1975), have a visual and emotional impact that would make his father
proud. When this film ended, I smiled just as much as Sophie, because
it just clicked with me and left me emotionally satisfied, even
though we never know just what is haunting this house. We don't
really need to, because this film is different from most haunted
house horror films, as we are involved with the characters, not just
what is happening in and around the house. I can't say this will have
the same emotional impact for you, but patient viewers will recognize
a classic when they see one. It is obvious that films such as POLTERGEIST
(1972) and the PARANORMAL
ACTIVITY franchise
(2007 - 2015) found some inspiration here, as have countless haunted
house and supernatural films that came after it. This is one done to
perfection and should be more widely known and appreciated.
This France/Italy co-production, shot as AU
RENDEZ-VOUS DE LA MORT JOYEUSE (a literal translation of the
review title) and also known under the misleading title EXPULSION
OF THE DEVIL (His Satanic Majesty is not mentioned once
here), received no theatrical or legitimate home video release in any
format in the United States. It is available on DVD-R
from such gray market companies as Rogue
Video and Desert
Island Films and is available streaming on YouTube from channels "Movies
For Nothing" and "Lightactivity" (The Movies For
Nothing print is much better looking, even though it goes silent in
the beginning for supposed music rights violation purposes [Don't get
me started on YouTube's recently shitty new rules!]). This film did
air once on cable channel Turner Classic Movies (TCM), but they lost
licensing rights shortly thereafter and never aired it again. All
prints are in French with English subtitles, as it was never dubbed
in English. Not Rated.
ATTACK
OF THE BEAST CREATURES
(1983/1985) - The best "no-budget,-filmed-in-Fairfield,-Connecticut,-trapped-on-an-island-full-of-Zuni-fetish-like
dolls-gore-film" ever made. It's May 1920, somewhere in the
North Atlantic and a cruise ship sinks, forcing a handful of
passengers on a lifeboat called the Obelisk to drift aimlessly on a
strange current for days until they come to some weird uncharted
island. John Trieste (Robert Nolfi) and Case Quinn (Robert Lengyel)
take over leadership duties and decide to look for fresh water and
shelter, especially since one member of their party, Mr. Bruin
(Robert Firgelewski, the film's not-so-special effects coordinator),
is seriously injured. They put Mr. Bruin in the shade and search for
water, with the one dissenter in the group (there's always at least
one), Mr. Morgan (John Vichiola), complaining that Mr. Bruin is as
good as dead and they should all be worried about their (by
"their", he means "his") well-being. Leaving Mr.
Bruin in the shade at the shore, the rest of the group, which
includes Cathy (Julia Rust), Diane (Lisa Pak), Philip (Frank
Murgalo), Mrs.
Gordon (Kay Bailey) and a couple of disposable characters (in the STAR
TREK universe, they would be known as "redshirts"),
head inland to look for water, food and shelter. What they find
instead is an island of horrors. While everyone id picking berries
and commiserating about their bad luck and personal problems, one of
the unnamed passengers comes upon a stream and takes a drink, only to
discover too late that the water is actually acid and he lets out a
blood-curdling scream as the flesh peels away from his body (it's
probably the film's best makeup effect). The rest of the survivors
decide to be more careful (no shit), but they will soon discover that
the island is crawling with a tribe of miniature doll-like creatures
with razor-sharp teeth (their resemblance to the Zuni fetish doll in TRILOGY
OF TERROR [1974] is uncanny) and they like the taste of
human flesh. The toothsome little buggers make their presence known
when John and Quinn go to retrieve Mr. Bruin down at the shore and
discover that he has been picked clean (all that is left is his
skeleton). John and Quinn keep their discovery a secret from the rest
of the survivors (Mr. Bruin simply died from his wounds), but it's a
secret that doesn't last for long. Their first night on the island,
everyone is attacked by the creatures while they are sleeping around
a campfire, as the little demons run on the ground or swing on vines
and begin biting everyone. Luckily, no one is killed, but everyone is
badly cut-up from the tiny terrors' teeth. Since the little demons
have set their lifeboat adrift, the survivors are continuously
attacked and killed one-by-one (Mr. Morgan seems to have caught
rabies from a bite, as he foams from the mouth and decides to take an
acid bath!). Will anyone survive this onslaught? Long a
favorite of bad movie aficionados since its release on VHS in the mid-80's,
ATTACK OF THE
BEAST CREATURES (made in 1983, but not released until 1985
and also known as HELL ISLAND)
contains all the trademarks of a truly awful film: Terrible acting
by a cast on non-pros (some of the emoting here is wince-inducing);
special effects that are anything but special; a droning synthesizer
score (by John P. Mozzi); and technical issues (include poorly
recorded sound) that are inherent in films with budgets less than
your cousin Schlomo's bar-mitzvah. Yet with all these faults,
director/co-producer Michael Stanley (a still-active theater director
in Connecticut whose only other film credit is directing DOING
AGATHA in 2008) and screenwriter Robert A. Hutton manage to
turn in a film that is utterly infectious in its badness. The attacks
by the tiny tribe of whatever-they-are (they have painted-on bright
white eyes that glow in the dark and little black mullets) are
priceless, as it is plain to see that they are as animated as a block
of wood (the only parts that seem to move are their mouths and their
arms at their shoulders), yet they run as fast as lightning (with
their little arms swinging back and forth), swing from vines and fly
through the air. The attack scenes are simply incredible, as it is
obvious that crew members just out of camera range are throwing the
dolls at the actors, but the film is so damn bloody (including a
nasty tree branch impalement and plenty of flesh eating), you can't
help but be impressed. Even more mind-blowing is the scene where all
the dolls gather at a giant wooden totem of themselves and pray
(Cathy says, "There must be hundreds of them!", but we see
no more than twenty!). For those who have never witnessed this film,
it's about time that you did. For those who have seen it, it's time
for a revisit. A totally weird viewing experience all the way. Also
starring Frans Kal, Ronald A. Haupler Jr. and Joanne Stanley.
Originally released on VHS by World
Video Inc. and not available on DVD. Not Rated.
BABA
YAGA (1973) - If any film belongs
in this category, it is this one. It's basically unclassifiable
because it is based on artist Guido Crepax's equally unclassifiable
comic strip "Valentina". Now, I've never read that comic
strip, but if it deals with sadomasochistic relationships, tossing
everything but the kitchen sink into the mix, including Nazis,
witchcraft, fashion models and plenty of nudity which this film does,
point me to the comic book store!
While the opening credits roll,
we are privy to a conversation at a mod party, where several people
are having a conversation on how comic strips can be
"revolutionary", a man answering, "Of course. Even
Snoopy in his own way is anti-establishment." Valentina
(Isabelle De Funes) then arrives at the party on a motorcycle driven
by Sandro (Sergio Masieri), saying what a wild ride she just had.
Valentina is a world famous photographer/fashion model, who goes by
the name "Cartier-Bresson", her specialty photographing
images that deal with publicity, fashion, art, politics and news (in
other words, everything). Also at the party is filmmaker Arno Treves
(George Eastman; ANTHROPOPHAGUS
- 1980), who tries to explain to Valentina and Guido (Giorgio
Pellizone) how hard it is to make a movie with no money. Guido gives
Valentina a ride home in his sports car, as long as if she doesn't
mind sitting on Arno's lap. Halfway to home, Valentina tells Guido to
stop the car, she'll walk the rest of the way. Arno tags along,
trying to get her back into the car because it is 3:00 in the
morning. "That's the nicest time of the day" is Valentina's
reply, as she continues walking, Arno following her. "I don't
feel like making love to you...tonight." Valentina says to Arno,
so he gets back in the car, Guido driving off. Valentina saves a dog
from being run over in a car driven by a mysterious woman (Carroll
Baker; PARANOIA
- 1969; KNIFE OF ICE
- 1972) and she barely escapes with her own life. The woman stops the
car and apologizes to Valentina, insisting she drive her home and
"I won't take no for an answer." Valentina gets in her car,
where the woman tells her that their meeting was preordained, because
she knew something was about to happen. She drives Valentina to her
door and Valentina wants to know how she knew where she lived, the
woman answering, "There are many things that you'll want to
know, my dear, but not now." The woman continues to say that
maybe later she will explain, but first she needs a personal item
from her, reaching under Valentina's miniskirt and taking a clasp
from her garter belt that held up her stockings, saying, "Be
assured that I will return it to you tomorrow." Valentina gets
out of the car totally confused. Who is this woman and why does she
speak in riddles? As Valentina gets to her door, the woman says to
her, "Don't forget my name. My name is Baba Yaga!"
That night, Valentina has a strange nightmare where men in Nazi
uniforms escort Valentina outside wearing nothing but her bra and
panties. A Nazi holding a cat makes her remove what little clothes
she has on and has her jump into a bottomless hole in the ground (it
looks like a grave). Valentina wakes up when she jumps, breathing
deeply (this won't be the only time she has to deal with a bottomless
pit). Her doorbell rings and it is her friend, model Toni (Angela
Covella). Toni tells her it's not morning, it is actually the
afternoon, so Valentina does a fashion photo shoot of Toni (dressed
and undressed in a wide variety of costumes) with her favorite
camera. In the middle of the shoot Valentina hears her doorbell ring
and it's Baba Yaga. Valentina invites her in as Toni leaves. Baba
Yaga returns the clasp that she took from Valentina and tries to put
it back on Valentina's body. Valentina tells her that she is not
wearing a garter belt and Baba says that's a pity. Valentina wants to
know who arranged their "preordained" meeting, Baba saying,
"There are forces which control our actions and our
feelings." Valentina asks "What forces?", Baba
answering, "It's too soon Valentina. It is too soon." Baba
admires Valentina's favorite camera, rubbing her fingers over the
camera and saying, "That is the eye. The eye that freezes
reality." (I've never looked at a camera that way, but she makes
a good point if you think about it.). Valentina is confused by all
the riddles and Baba says she must leave, but Valentina must come to
her house (It is said more like an order than an invitation), telling
her it is an old house, leaving her address before she leaves.
Valentina tells Baba that she will definitely come to visit her, but
Baba Yaga may have put a curse on Valentina's favorite camera.
Valentina is mystified by Baba Yaga and she can't get Baba out of
her mind. Arno phones her, inviting Valentina to come to the location
he is shooting footage for his latest film. When she gets there, she
sees Arno catching a rat in a butterfly net, using the rat for some
footage, but his movie camera jams and the rat gets away (When
Valentina asks Arno what he would do with the close-up footage of the
rat, he replies that maybe he will show it next to a photo of some
big industrialist! They then get into a discussion about censorship
and how Arno is selling out.). They go back to her apartment, not
noticing that Baba is watching them from across the street. Arno
looks at Valentina's portfolio, gets turned-on and they make love.
The next morning, Toni enters Valentina's apartment and scares the
crap out of Arno, yet he stays to watch the photo shoot. When
Valentina snaps away with her favorite camera, Toni collapses,
falling to the floor, telling Valentina that she suddenly feels sick.
Arno calls a taxi for Toni and goes with her to make sure she is
safe. This is when the film really goes off the rails. Whenever
Valentina points her favorite camera at a subject and clicks away,
something bad happens to the subject.
Valentina visits Baba in her old home, asking her if she would mind
if she did a jewelry photo shoot there. Baba doesn't mind and
encourages Valentina to go upstairs, telling her that there are many
things there for her to photograph. Valentina goes upstairs and finds
many antiques to photograph, but one object really gets her
attention. It is a child's doll, naked except for some S&M gear
it is wearing. Valentina is fascinated with it, taking photos of it
until her camera runs out of film. She then finds a black glove and
puts it on, something stirring inside her. She begins masturbating
until Baba wakes her from her trance. She gives Valentina the doll,
telling her the doll's name is "Annette" and "You must
always have her with you. She will protect you from any harm."
Valentina tells her she needs no protection, as no one has threatened
her, Baba replying, "You never know. You never know."
Valentina goes home and begins developing the photos she just took,
discovering Annette is not in S&M gear, but a dress. Is her mind
influencing her sight? When Valentina takes a photo of a hippie named
Carlo (Mario M. Giorgetti; THE
TEENAGE PROSTITUTION RACKET - 1975), he drops dead,
Valentina knowing that the camera is to blame. In case you haven't
guessed by now, Baba Yaga is a witch and Carlo's death is one of
camera's many victims. Even Annette comes to life (portrayed by Ely
Galleani; FIVE DOLLS
FOR AN AUGUST MOON - 1970) and we have to ask ourselves if
this is really happening or is it all in Valentina's S&M-fueled mind?
Like I said before, this film is unclassifiable. It is like some Pop
Art dream coming to life, as it throws so many bizarre sights and
sounds into the mix, your head will be swimming, but in a good way. I
know what you are thinking: Why doesn't Valentina use a different
camera? She does, but the photos from that camera don't have her
patented "feel" to them, so she goes to her favorite camera
that does. Director/screenwriter Corrado Farina, who has a cameo as
the Nazi with the cat (as well as two other quick cameos!), was
usually a director of documentaries, his only other fictional film of
note being the political allegory disguised as a horror film, THEY
HAVE CHANGED THEIR FACE (1970). Even if he never made
another film, this one would be considered a Pop Art masterpiece of
the macabre, as even the simplest of things turn out not in the way
they should, such as Arno's detergent commercial,
shot in the vein of an Eurospy film, which you have to see to
appreciate, as mere words don't do it justice. That basically covers
the whole film (this review was very hard to write), as simply
stating what is happening in no way does the visuals justice. The
Italian censors thought so, too, as they butchered the film before
they would allow it to be shown theatrically. It would take over 30
years before Farina's complete vision was shown to audiences, Farina
re-inserting the cut scenes back into the film in his new
"director's cut". I guess back in 1973, the Italian censors
condemned what they could not understand (there are many veiled
swipes at Italy's corrupt government) and gave audiences a
bastardized look at a film they could not comprehend (or maybe they
did understand, but I doubt it). It's no surprise that the film was a
flop, because nearly all the nudity and sequences of S&M violence
were edited out of the film, leaving audiences confused and
flabbergasted at what they were viewing.
Also known as THE DEVIL WITCH,
this film gained a U.S. theatrical release under the title KISS
ME, KILL ME. It, too, was the truncated Italian theatrical
cut and it didn't get very much traction in the States. This version
was also released on VHS (by Paragon
Video Productions) and on budget DVD (by Diamond Entertainment
Group), in badly cropped fullscreen versions. It wasn't until Blue
Underground released it uncut and in its OAR that an appreciative
audience realized what a special film this actually is. I guarantee
that you will never see anything quite like it. You may not
understand it, but you won't be able to take your eyes off it.
Carroll Baker was no stranger to Italian genre films, appearing in
many, especially giallo flicks, during the late-'60s to the mid-'70s
(such as THE SWEET BODY
OF DEBORAH - 1968; THE
FOURTH VICTIM - 1971; THE
FLOWER WITH THE DEADLY STING - 1973; and many others). She's
quite good here, imbuing her role as Baba Yaga with just the right
amount of mystery and sexuality. I cannot recommend this film enough
to all the daring viewers out there who are interested in something
unusual, the closest I can come to explaining this film is it is like
a fever dream come to life. This film is very visual and trippy (even
the opening credits are unusual). Also starring Daniela Balzaretti,
Mario Paolo Giordani, Lorenzo Piani (RIOT
IN A WOMEN'S PRISON - 1974) and the prolific Carla Mancini (DEATH
SMILES ON A MURDERER - 1973). Look for artist Guido Crepax
in a cameo as the driver of a white stretch limousine. A Blue
Underground DVD & Blu-Ray release. Also available streaming
on Amazon Prime (free for Prime members). Not Rated.
BABYSITTER
WANTED (2008) -
Ultra-religious Angie (Sarah Thompson; BRUTAL
- 2007) leaves the safety of her mother's home and heads off for
college in rural California, where she shares an apartment with
slovenly, drug-taking Erica (Jillian Schmitz). Low on money and
needing a bed (Erica's last roommate took the bed with her when she
left), Angie goes to the college's bulletin board searching for a
cheap bed, only to discover that there are many missing female
student bulletins posted on the board (We know something is not
kosher here because the film's first scene is of some poor gagged
girl tied to a table, her half-naked body marked in black magic
marker like a side of beef, as someone bashes her head in with a ball
peen hammer). Unable to find a bed, Angie does find a "Babysitter
Wanted" ad on the bulletin board and takes it, but Erica warns
her that the location is out in the boonies, in "farm
country". Angie calls the number and drives out to meet the
couple, Jim & Violet Stanton (Bruce Thomas; TV's KYLE
XY [2006-2009]; Kristen Dalton; CREEPY
CRAWLERS [2000]) and their young son Sam (Kai Caster), who
wears a cowboy outfit and refuses to take off his cowboy hat, even
while he sleeps (this will make sense later in the film). The
Stanton's hire Angie immediately to take care of Sam on the upcoming
weekend. Leading up to the weekend, Angie meets
student Rick (Matt Dallas; Kyle of KYLE
XY) and a romance is born, though it is rather chaste due to
Angie's religious beliefs. She is also being stalked by some
mysterious guy in a pickup truck, who keeps coughing-up blood into a
handkerchief. When Angie finds a poster of a missing girl taped to
her apartment door, she brings it to Sheriff Dinelli (Bill Moseley; HOUSE
OF 1000 CORPSES - 2002) and he tells he that a lot of that
has been going on lately. When Friday night rolls around and her car
won't start, Rick gives her a ride to the Stanton's, which seems to
annoy Jim somewhat (he offers to drive Angie back when he and the
missus return, rather than have Rick come back). This is going to be
a night Angie will not soon forget, as the stalker keeps ringing the
Stanton's phone, tries to get into the house and Angie discovers that
Sam is a creepy little kid. Not only does his diet consist solely of
little chunks of rare red meat, he likes to play hide-and-seek,
forcing Angie to search the entire house looking for him and making
some horrifying discoveries of her own. When the stalker (who is
horribly scarred from head to toe) breaks into the house brandishing
a weird, symbol-filled blade, Angie tries to grab Sam and flee, but
she will soon discover that she is running from the wrong people, as
the stalker turns out to be a priest, the Stanton's are actually
satanic cannibals (!) and Sam may actually be the son of Satan (he
has two little horns on the top of his head to prove it!). Can Angie
escape from this infernal trio or will she become steak tartar for
Sam's consumption? Let's just say God can be proud of Angie, as she
begins to get all biblical on the Stanton's asses, but there's enough
bad flesh left over for the inevitable sequel. This paean to
the horror films of the 70's (it's equal parts WHEN
A STRANGER CALLS [1979], THE
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE [1974] and THE
OMEN [1976]) basically defies normal description. It starts
out as a tale about a fish out of water (Where Angie has her first
experiences with the drug culture, romance, etc.), then turns into a
"babysitter in peril" tale, then turns into some weird
supernatural mumbo-jumbo involving priests trying to track down Sam
the Devil Child to kill him and finally turns into a HOSTEL-like
piece of torture porn (for lack of a better term), where Angie is
forced to watch Jim butcher some poor girl into little pieces and
placing the pieces in plastic bags for Sam's consumption later on,
while Jim prattles-on to Angie about what he and his wife have to do
to keep Sam from going hungry (This also helps some of the denser
viewers better understand what they are watching). The film doesn't
make a heckuva lotta sense, but first-time directors Jonas Barnes
(who also scripted) and Michael Manasseri (also one of the Producers)
inject a lot of excitement into the proceedings, as well as some
hard-to-watch gore (the butchering scenes are brutal, as are the
scenes of Sam brandishing a butcher knife while muttering
"Hungry!" over and over), making BABYSITTER
WANTED a good bet for fans of weird horror. I especially
find it amusing that a naïve religious virgin would be the only
one with the intestinal fortitude to go the ultra-violent route to
get vengeance (not to mention dropping the f-bomb and other verbal
obscenities while doing so). Put a gun in Angie's hand and she'll
empty a clip in the bad guys' bodies without blinking once and she's
also not above punching a small child in the face. Ah, religion. What
would we do without it? Also starring Monty Bane, Nana Visitor, Jeff
Markey and Scott Spiegel. A Lionsgate
Home Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.
BAD
BIOLOGY (2008) - CAUTION:
Read this review only after you have watched the film! Frank
Henenlotter returns to the director's chair after a sixteen-year
hiatus (most of those years spent working with Mike Vraney at
Something Weird Video) and delivers a film that defies genre
conventions. Jennifer (Charlee Danielson) is a freak of nature: She
was born with seven clitorises (she may have more and everyone that
knows her calls her "Crazy Pussy") and when we first meet
her, she is cruising a bar looking for a perfect male subject to
satisfy her unquenchable sexual desires. The only problem is, she
gets so carried away during the lovemaking act, she sometimes ends up
killing her male partner. Another annoying caveat is that she always
gets pregnant, but it's quite unlike any normal human pregnancy. Two
hours after her sex act is over with, she delivers an "unfinished
baby", which she always abandons, be it in a hotel bathtub, an
abandoned car in a junkyard or a garbage can. Yes, Jennifer has a
severe problem (she may be the world's only true nymphomaniac) and
when she can't find a man, she uses a
homemade vibrator to do the job (it's unlike any vibrator you have
ever seen!). Jennifer is also a professional photographer, whose
oeuvre is grotesque death portraits of her male victims and she also
takes equally disturbing shots during paid model shoots (such as
women with brightly colored wigs wearing vagina masks!). What
Jennifer needs is a man that can satisfy her every desire and that
man just may be Batz (Anthony Sneed), whose penis is so hyperactive,
it has a mind of its own (he has to tape it to his leg to keep it
from tapping the underside of tables and desks!). Batz feeds his cock
a wide variety of drug cocktails by hypodermic needle, including
growth hormones, to keep it under control (he even has a Rube
Goldberg-esque jerk-off contraption of his own design), but the fact
is, his penis is getting way too big for his body. During a photo
shoot at an apartment next to Batz's, Jennifer notices Batz's
condition and becomes very intrigued. Later that day, she breaks into
Batz's apartment with video camera in hand and ends up recording Batz
making love to a prostitute. The prostitute continues to have orgasms
long after Batz has finished (hours after he is done!), so he gags
her and drops her off in an alley. Jennifer is so impressed, she
plans on confronting Batz the next day with an offer he can't
possibly refuse, but she is too late. Batz's mutant penis detaches
itself from his body and leaves, going on a rape spree (but always
leaving the women in orgiastic pleasure). When the mutant penis
returns, Jennifer wants to nurture it, so she starts shooting drugs
into it over Batz's objections. The detached penis then fucks
Jennifer and for the first time in her life, she is sexually
satisfied (She says, "It's like God is fucking me!").
Unfortunately, Jennifer, Batz and the mutant penis die, but not
before Jennifer gives birth to a mutant penis/baby hybrid, who walks
away into an uncertain future. I love happy endings! All I can
say is: Welcome back Frank Henenlotter! BAD
BIOLOGY may not be the best acted film (far from it, as some
of the talent here is truly atrocious), but the ideas are truly
original. The screenplay, by Henenlotter (BASKET
CASE [1982] and its two sequels;
BRAIN DAMAGE - 1988; FRANKENHOOKER
- 1990) and producer/rapper R.A. "The Rugged Man" Thorburn
(a lot of rappers put in cameos and offer songs to the soundtrack
here, including Reef The Lost Cause, Vinnie Paz, Prince Paul, Big
Earth, Jzone and Remedy), is a wild black comedy about sexual morals
taken to a degree never seen on film before (this would make a
perfect double feature with Jonathan Yudis' PERVERT!
- 2005). The sight of the mutant penis (a mixture of stop-motion
animation and practical makeup effects by Gabe Bartalos) breaking
through walls and floors to rape a bunch of nubile (and totally
naked) women is a vision that is not soon forgotten, as are the weird
camera set-ups; one being a POV shot from inside of Jennifer's vagina
(showing all seven of her clits) looking out on the horrified face of
one of her male victims (which is similar to the poster above, but
the U.S. DVD will not use this artwork because, let's face it, we're
a bunch of easily shocked puritanical prudes). This film may be low
in budget, but it registers high on the originality scale
(Henenlotter shot the entire film in 35mm and it looks gorgeous).
Tina Krause appears as herself in a funny scene and director/producer
James Glickenhaus (THE EXTERMINATOR
- 1980) has a cameo as Jennifer's boss. Also starring Eleanore
Hendricks ("Where's my Jimmy J?!?"), "Rude" Jude
Angelini, Krista Ayne, Bjorn Milz, Vicky Wiese, Jelena Jensen,
Rachael Robbins, Mark Wilson and Staff Sgt. John A. Thorburn. A Shriek
Show DVD Release. Unrated.
BELIEVERS
(2007) - Paramedics David (Johnny Messner; ANACONDAS:
THE HUNT FOR THE BLOOD ORCHID - 2004) and Victor (Jon
Huertas; THE INSATIABLE -
2006) answer a call of a woman passed out on Lake Road and when they
get there, they find the woman, Rebecca (Deanna Russo), unresponsive,
as her young daughter, Libby (Saige Ryan Campbell), screams at them
to wake her up before "they" arrive. As David and Victor
work to revive Rebecca (she has strange mathematical equations
tattooed on her body), four men in white coats carrying guns pull up
in a pickup truck, grab Rebecca and Libby and kidnap David and
Victor, putting a bullet in Victor's shoulder to show they mean
business. They are taken to a heavily guarded compound (actually a
deserted missile base) of a cult of wackos called the Quanta Group,
where David and Victor are "decontaminated" and questioned
by a dweeb called IO (Erik Passoja), who informs them that in
thirteen hours everyone in the cult will leave Earth to
"perpetuate the species". David and Victor are then locked
in bathroom stalls, as we watch the Quanta Group's leader,
Dr. Talbot (Daniel Benzali; MESSENGER
OF DEATH - 1988), also known as "The Teacher",
using some psychic force on Rebecca's body in an attempt to revive
her, but Libby tries to intervene ("You don't touch the
Teacher!") and is locked in the same bathroom as David and
Victor. Libby tells them that the Teacher is taking them to the other
side of the universe, but they all have to go to sleep first.
Thinking that everything is going to turn out like the Heaven's Gate
mass suicide, David and Victor try to find a way to escape,
especially when a seemingly-cured Rebecca shows up in the bathroom
and offers to take them on their trip. Meanwhile, David and Victor's
boss, Capt. Newsome (Dig Wayne), and David's pregnant wife Deborah
(Elizabeth Bogush), try to locate them, but the Quanta Group have
people on the outside covering up the evidence. The Teacher informs
our captive pair that the Earth will cease to exist in a matter of
weeks and offers to "save" them. The Teacher has a
"formula" ("Numbers don't lie. People do.") that
proves "a rain of fire will decend from above, incinerating all
life on Earth" and explains to David and Victor that the Quanta
Group, made up of scientists, researchers and philosophers, are the
only people that will escape the Armageddon. The Teacher has
knowledge of both David and Victor's lives that he can't possibly
know about and it affects both David and Victor in very different
ways (Victor is a devout Catholic and David is an Athiest). Is it
possible that the Quanta Group is not a cult at all, but actually
humanity's last chance for survival? I'm afraid you'll have to
discover that for yourself. Let's just say that the ending is a
killer. Slow-moving, yet never uninvolving, BELIEVERS
is a taut tale of people who either believe or refuse to, not just
about the end of the world, but also in God itself. Director Daniel
Myrick (co-director of the cult smash THE
BLAIR WITCH PROJECT [1999] and director of the horror films SOLSTICE
[2007] and THE OBJECTIVE
[2007]), working with a screenplay written by himself, Daniel Noah
and Julia Fair (ALIEN RAIDERS
- 2008), has fashioned a religious allegory disguised as a sci-fi
thriller, a modern-day take on the Rapture. Myrick keeps us guessing
whether the Quanta Group and the Teacher himself are real or just
another brainwashing, mind-control cult with false doomsday
prophecies. The scene where Rebecca seduces and the makes love to
Victor while she repeats verbatim every word the Teacher (who has a
Control Room full of TV's, where he can monitor every room in the
compound) whispers in her ear (thanks to a small microphone implanted
in her skull) is an example of how this film plays with audiences'
expectations. The Believers think that the Teacher has real powers,
while the non-believers will think it is nothing but a susceptible
woman hypnotizing (by proxy) a man whose will has been weakened. In
the end, it all boils down to the differences in David and Victor's
backgrounds and those differences play a major role in how they react
to the situation. While the film is not that bloody, there are
extremely uncomfortable scenes, such as when David is
"purged" with a car battery. The ambient soundtrack, full
of low-range rumbles, electronic blips and whispering voices, adds to
the creepy atmosphere. Though not for everyone's tastes, BELIEVERS
is a seriously deranged take on how religion can be used for evil as
well as good and how the best of intentions can come back and bite
you in the ass. Also starring June Angela, John Farley, Carolyn
Hennesy and Ray Papazian. A Warner
Home Video DVD Release. Unrated.
BEWITCHED
(1981) - For those expecting a review about the 60's
TV comedy series starring Elizabeth Montgomery as a witch who
makes things happen by twitching her nose or the abortive 2005
movie remake starring Nicole Kidman: Boy have you come to the
wrong place! This film is actually a nifty Shaw Brothers production
directed by the always-interesting Kuei Chih-Hung, who also gave us
such Hong Kong masterpieces as BAMBOO
HOUSE OF DOLLS (1973), THE
KILLER SNAKES (1974), HEX
(1980), CORPSE MANIA
(1981) and THE BOXER'S OMEN
(1983). This film opens with an on-screen scrawl (in Chinese; the
film is subtitled in English) that explains that witchcraft has been
practiced for centuries in the Far East; its main use being to get
even with cheating husbands and boyfriends. We then switch to a
family having a picnic in the woods and their food is being overrun
with a larger-than-normal amount of ants. When the father pulls the
blanket off the ground to find the source of the ants, he discovers
the corpse of a seven year-old girl who has a huge spike driven
through the top of her skull (shades of BLACK
MAGIC 2 - 1976). The coroner removes the spike from the
corpse girl's head and police inspector Bobby Wong (Huang Chin Shen;
a.k.a. "Melvin Wong") is assigned to find her killer. A
witness comes forward to say he saw a strange man in the area where
the girl's body was found. So strange, in fact, that the witness
jotted down the license plate number of the taxi he left in. The taxi
driver informs Inspector Wong that he dropped the strange man at a
temple, where the Inspector's men
discover a photo of the dead girl on a spiritual tablet and that the
strange man left enough money for ten years of incense burning in her
honor. The Inspector notices a school badge in the girl's photograph,
which leads him to the Mu Kuang School. After interviewing people at
the school, the Inspector goes to the home of Lam Wai (Ai Fei), the
father of the dead girl, and he is arrested and put on trial for her
murder. Lam Wai explains in court that he killed his daughter because
someone cast a spell on him, so the judge orders that he be examined
by a psychiatrist before sentence is imposed (Lam Wai could be
looking at a death sentence for his crime). The psychiatrist's report
doesn't help him and Lam Wai is sentenced to hang. He asks to talk
with Inspector Wong and tells him the whole sordid story, which began
three months ago (flashback alert!) when he and some male friends
went on an "anything goes" vacation to Nanyang, Thailand
(30 years before THE HANGOVER
PART II) . The married Lam Wai leaves the hotel to get a
"body massage" (yeah, right!) and meets a gorgeous girl
named Bon Brown (Chen Li Li; a.k.a. "Lily Chan"), who
feigns an ankle injury to get Lam Wai to carry her to her apartment.
Lam Wai thinks that she is a high-class prostitute (he buys her a
fake diamond-encrusted "Love" necklace) and makes love to
her on the beach (where she frolics topless), but he must end his
vacation and return back to his life in Hong Kong. Bon Brown gives
him a strange necklace to wear as a parting gift. The problem is, Bon
Brown has fallen in love with him, but Lam Wai only thinks of her as
a sexual conquest and brags about her to all his male co-workers (but
not his wife). When he fails to return to Bon Brown on the promised
date of June 30, 1981 (she writes "30-6-81" on a rock on
the beach and takes a photo of Lam Wai posing next to it), Lam Wai
begins suffering the supernatural consequences. At first he fails to
achieve an erection when making love to his wife, but things are
about to get much, much worse for him. It will all lead up to the
murder of his daughter. Lam Wai begs Inspector Wong to find the
spellcaster and bring the real killer to justice. Inspector Wong is
about to run head-first into the Far East witchcraft culture, as he
travels to Nanyang to uncover the truth. Can he save Lam Wai from the
hangman's noose or will he fall victim to the deadly "Lemon
Spell" (it's actually a lime, but believe me, you're going to
want to see this), the "Split Head Spell", the "Raising
Demon Child Spell", the "Strangling Spell" and the
"Death Spell"? The moral to this story is that evil can
never win over good, but you still shouldn't have casual sex. It
always has consequences. Though slow to get started, BEWITCHED
steadily builds to delirious heights, such as when the necklace Bon
Brown gave Lam Wai starts leaking brown liquid on his chest,
which refuses to wash off and then spreads all over his body in
puss-filled boils and unwanted body hair. Add to that a young
daughter who suddenly likes to eat raw meat and tries to kill Daddy
on several occasions and you would think that's enough story for one
film, right? Well, that's only the first half of the film, folks. The
second half details disbeliever Inspector Wong's investigation, as he
dovetails deeper and deeper into the supernatural subculture in
Thailand; at first learning (at a lengthy spirit ceremony) that Lam
Wai was put under the "Oil Of Carcass Spell". We watch (in
another flashback) as this spell is performed, where a sorcerer
collects the oil from a rotting pregnant woman's corpse (he sticks a
needle in her foot, she sits up and the oil comes pouring out of her
nose!), mixes it with live maggots and sticks the necklace the Bon
Brown gave him in the liquid for three days. Inspector Wong then
travels 100 kilometers up river to ask a monk and exorcist priest
(Hussin Bin Abu Hassan; billed in the opening credits as
"Renowned [sic] Malay Sorcerer") to remove the
"Oil" and "Coffin Spell" from Lam Wai before it
is too late. What we witness is an over-the-top (and downright
informational) battle of the sorcerers. To say any more would spoil
the surprises in store for the viewer, but director Kuei Chih-Hung
and screenwriter Shih Tu An (CORPSE
MANIA - 1981) pile-on weird visuals (the on-location
photography is breathtaking as well as colorful), puss and
maggot-spewing, some damn good wire work and even some strange
creatures (including a bat statue that comes to life) to keep us
wildly entertained. Highly recommended. Also starring Fanny, Liang
Chen Ni and Lin Wei Tu. A Celestial
Pictures VCD & DVD Release. Not Rated.
BEYOND
REASON (1977) - Weird
psychological thriller, directed and written by star Telly Savalas,
his only stint as a director, except for a few episodes of his TV
series KOJAK (1973 -
1978). Savalas is Dr. Nicholas Mati, chief psychiatrist at the
criminal unit of a mental hospital, who has unorthodox methods of
dealing with his patients (When the film opens, Dr. Mati is seen
shooting craps in the men's room [the most logical place to play
craps, if you ask me] with a group of male patients). His methods
aren't popular with the higher-ups (When the Head of Psychiatry tells
Dr. Mati to stop gambling with his patients, he replies, "I
can't. I'm down thirty bucks!"), but he seems to get results
with his patients, who have all been committed for various violent
and heinous crimes. Dr. Mati has an unusually bright outlook on life,
but it becomes obvious to the viewer early on that he is either
losing his grip on reality or suffering from a serious medical
illness. Dr. Mati begins to lose his grip on reality
when the beautiful portrait of a young woman that his wife Elaine
(Diana Muldaur; MANEATERS
ARE LOOSE - 1978) just painted turns into a grim, colorless
portrait of a hideous-looking old hag. He begins butting heads with
student doctor Leslie Valentine (Laura Johnson; Wes Craven's CHILLER
- 1985), who doesn't agree with his "pop psychology"
approach and takes an interest in an unnamed patient of his. The
questions soon become: Is Leslie real or a figment of Dr. Mati's
imagination? Is the unnamed patient actually Dr. Mati? Things get
downright bizarre when a man Dr. Mati has never seen before threatens
to jump off the hospital's roof and someone phones Dr. Mati to talk
him down. When he gets to the roof, the strange man whispers
something into Dr. Mati's ear and then jumps off the roof, killing
himself. When one of his prize patients dies suddenly, even Dr. Mati
begins to doubt his sanity (When he tells his wife about her painting
changing from beautiful to ugly, she jokingly says, "It's
simple, you're crazy!", not realizing that she may not be too
far off the mark), but he also thinks that someone may be trying to
drive him over the edge. The rest of the film details Dr. Mati's
search for the truth, but he might not like what he discovers. The
audience may not either, depending on their tolerance for existential
and oblique endings. Not a good film by any stretch of the
imagination, BEYOND REASON
(originally titled MATI) is still
an interesting, if flawed, foray into one man's descent into madness.
The movie plays like one long picture puzzle, where the viewer is
given small visual pieces of the puzzle to put together as the film
progresses, but unfortunately, some of the pieces we are given seem
to belong to some puzzle never revealed. While Telly Savalas (HORROR
EXPRESS - 1973; LISA
AND THE DEVIL - 1973) is good as Dr. Mati, one wonders how
this film would have turned out in the hands of a more capable
director. While Savalas' script isn't too bad, the look of the film
is much too flat and TV-ish, like some Movie of the Week (even though
it was photographed by master cinematographer John A. Alonzo). There
are some weird touches, though, such as the blind begging vagrant
that gives Dr. Mati change for a ten-dollar bill and some of the
hallucinations in Dr. Mati's mind. Since the whole story is basically
told through Dr. Mati's eyes and mind, it's hard at first for the
viewer to get a grasp on what is fact or fiction, but it becomes
quite clear at the film's halfway mark that the reason why Dr. Mati
is such an effective (or rather, affective) psychiatrist is because
he, too, is harboring some deep, dark recessive memory that is slowly
coming to the forefront. The film does drag in spots, but it manages
to hold interest and the final shot may or may not imply that Dr.
Mati is just a figment of a criminally insane patient's imagination,
which gives everything that happened before it a whole new meaning.
What's more puzzling to me is why Savalas picked this story as his
only theatrical directing and writing credit. He seems to be
exorcising some personal demons here, although the end result will
leave the viewer unclear if he is pro or con on the subject of
psychiatry. Also starring Marvin Laird, Bob Basso, Douglas Dirkson,
Walter Brooke, Barney Phillips, Tony Burton, Lilyan Chauvin, Toni
Lawrence, Larry Golden and John Lisbon Wood. Originally released on
VHS by Media
Home Entertainment and not available on DVD. Rated PG.
BEYOND
THE DARKNESS (1979) - This
is one of five films that Elvira refused to host on the ThrillerVideo
label because she was afraid it would hurt her credibility. This is
the one film that Terry Levine released through his Aquarius
Films distribution arm that he found "disgusting" and
"beyond redemption". This is the film that many critics
found "revolting", "stomach-churning" and "shower-prompting".
Alfred Hitchcock supposedly said that this film gave him the
"chills" just thinking about it (I don't know if that last
piece is true since
Hitchcock kicked the bucket in 1980). As you can surmise, this film
brings out the worst in some people and it is easy to see why. It
mixes perverted sex with bloody gore, incestual relationships with
necrophilia and taxidermy with living forever. This horror film, by
director Joe D'Amato (ANTHROPOPHAGUS
- 1980), has very little gray area, so you will either love it or
hate it. There is no middle ground.
The film opens with Frank (Kieran Canter) picking up the dead body
of a baboon. Frank is a professional taxidermist, as we see him carry
the dead body into his workshop, which is littered with all kinds of
stuffed animals. We then witness an old woman sticking needles into a
voodoo doll. Frank's housekeeper Iris (Franca Stoppi; THE
OTHER HELL - 1980) hopes to hasten the death of Frank's wife
Anna (Cinzia Monreale; THE BEYOND
- 1981) so she can have him all to herself. Anna is dying a slow
death in a hospital bed (it looks like the voodoo doll is working!)
and when Iris tells Frank almost too late that the hospital called
(she waited to tell him when he gets out of the shower totally naked
so she could see his body!), Frank rushes to the hospital, where Anna
gives him a final kiss goodbye before she dies. Frank is now a
shattered man and when Iris sees his face, she whips out one of her
breasts for Frank to suck on! Frank doesn't believe death is final,
as we watch him prepare his wife for her "new" life (he
gives Anna's body a hypodermic shot to stop her body from getting
stiff and rigored). The night after Anna's burial, Frank digs up her
body and brings it to his workshop. He almost gets caught with her
body by the police when his van gets a flat tire. After changing the
tire, Frank is surprised to find female hitch-hiker Jan (Lucia
D'Elia) sitting in the passenger seat. She rolls a joint while Frank
reluctantly drives and Anna's hand nearly hits Jan's head when it
juts out of the window of the van's partition. With Jan passed out on
the front seat (that must have been some good shit!), we watch Frank
carry the body of his dead wife to his workshop, where he cuts out
all of her internal organs (nothing is left to the imagination),
getting her prepared for the taxidermy process. We watch him take a
bite out of Anna's removed heart (blood comes squirting out of one of
the arteries!) and replace his wife eyes with glass ones.
Unfortunately, Jan wakes up, sees what Frank is doing and screams.
Frank smothers Jan, but not before removing her fingernails with
pliers! He then puts Jan's body in his van (which is, appropriately,
red in color). Iris also sees what Frank is doing, but instead of
being repulsed, she helps Frank dress Anna's nude body (she even puts
nail polish on Anna's fingernails). A friend of Frank's stops by the
house to pick up the stuffed baboon, but Frank was too busy with Anna
to take the time to stuff the monkey. It seems Frank's friend has
another reason for being there: He was paid by Mr. Kale (Sam Modesto)
to keep Frank busy while he searched the van. He picks up a cameo
necklace in the van and pockets it. But what is his real reason for
being there?
Iris had already moved Jan's body from the van and we watch Frank
drag her body into the bathroom, where Iris chops off Jan's head,
arms and legs with a meat cleaver and put the pieces in the bathtub,
which is full of acid. We see that Frank is sickened by the sight of
this especially when Jan's skull pops up out of the acid with one
eyeball still attached! We then watch Frank watching Iris eat. She
digs into her food like a pig in slop, causing Frank to puke
("What's the matter Frankie baby, heat getting to you?").
Frank then looks at Anna's corpse and it is not looking too good, but
Iris tries to get his mind off it by loosening his belt and putting
her hand down his pants ("Don't worry, Frank. Iris is here.").
Mr. Kale has hired a private investigator to get all the background
information on Frank and his family (where we learn that Frank lost
his parents in a car accident when he was a teen). But why does he
want to know? We then see Frank jogging, following a pretty young
jogger (Anna Cardini; SWINDLE -
1977) around. When he sees that she has sprained her ankle, he takes
her to his house for proper medical attention. He tapes up her ankle
and then they retire to the bedroom, where Frank has Anna's body on
another bed. he begins to make love to the young woman, but he is not
able to perform without looking at Anna, so he pulls off the blanket
covering her. The young woman sees Anna's ashen corpse and screams.
Frank takes a huge bite out of her neck and disposes of the corpse in
his personal incinerator (Which brings up the big question: Why
didn't they dispose of Jan's body the same way? It's a lot less messy!).
A few days later, the police show up at Frank's door wondering if he
has seen the jogger. Iris invites them to come inside to search the
house (she even gives one of the cops a stuffed squirrel!). Iris
throws a dinner party for her family and she announces that enough
time has passed, as she and Frank are getting married on May 1st.
This takes Frank by surprise and he goes running out of the house. We
then see that Mr. Kale has broken into Frank's house and is searching
his workshop. He finds nothing and then searches Frank's bedroom, but
Anna's corpse is not on the bed. He hides in the attic when he hears
Iris approaching and finds Anna's taxidermied body in a cabinet. He
pulls a camera from his jacket pocket and takes a photo of the body.
But why?
Frank then goes to a disco and spots a lovely young woman who
catches his eye. The woman notices Frank looking at her and before
you know it, they end up at Frank's house, where we see the woman
totally nude and taking a bath (in the same tub where Jan's body was
dissolved). At the same time, Anna's twin sister, Eleanor (also
played by Cinzia Monreale), pays Frank a visit and when he sees her
talking to Iris, he believes his wife has returned from the dead, He
quickly shows the disco woman to the door and plans on reuniting with
his wife. But Iris, who will do anything to make Frank her one and
only, turns out the lights and calls out to Eleanor using Anna's
voice. Eleanor passes out after seeing Anna's dead body sitting on a
chair, but before Iris can stab Eleanor with a butcher knife, Frank
intervenes (and get stabbed in the crotch!). A seriously-injured
Frank is able to overpower Iris, first taking a healthy bite out of
her cheek and then stabbing her to death in the heart. He then
carries Eleanor's body upstairs. Mr. Kale arrives at the house
and when no one answers the doorbell or his constant knocks, he picks
the lock and lets himself in. He discovers Iris' dead body and a
mortally wounded Frank standing next to the incinerator. Mr. Kale,
who we learn was hired by Anna's father to find out what happened to
her body when he discovered that her grave has been robbed, scoops up
Anna's body and brings it to a church. A priest puts her body in a
coffin and closes the lid. The film ends with the lid of the coffin
flying open as it is Eleanor, not Anna, and she is very much alive!
Many people believe that this is Joe D'Amato's (Real name: Aristide
Massaccesi) best horror film and I would have to agree. It is better
known in the U.S. under the title BURIED
ALIVE, where it was released theatrically and on VHS under
that title. Viewers were either repulsed or fascinated by this film.
I have yet to meet anyone who has a middle-of-the-road opinion about
it. Its themes of necrophilia and incest may have seemed taboo at the
time of its release, but we have become somewhat numb to those
themes, especially if we watch LAW
& ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT on TV, which has used
themes of necrophilia and incest in many of their story lines. But
there is no doubt in my mind that this film caused a few upset
stomachs when originally viewed. I saw this at the Fabian
Theatre in Paterson,
N.J. in 1980 and many people walked out of the theater. This was a
theater in a really bad part of town, so the audience were used to
violence and blood on the screen (and the Fabian was the premiere
grindhouse in Northern New Jersey), but it was still surprising to me
that so many people walked out. This was strong stuff, no doubt.
As I mentioned earlier in this review, BEYOND
THE DARKNESS was released on VHS by ThrillerVideo
with a uncut widescreen DVD from Shriek show early in the New
Millennium following. But it is the Blu-Ray & DVD
from Severin Films that is
the true standout here. It contains a subtitled one hour interview
with D'Amato (who passed away in 1999) that is funny, eye-opening
and, above all, informative. He talks about his entire career and the
interview is sprinkled with some of the most notorious scenes of
D'Amato's films. Also rounding out the interview are comments by
Luigi Montefiori (a.k.a "George Eastman"; MONSTER
HUNTER - 1981), a frequent collaborator with D'Amato, and
actors "Al Cliver" (Real name: Pierluigi Conti; MAN
HUNTER - 1980) & Donald O'Brien (DOCTOR
BUTCHER M.D. - 1980), who offer anecdotes about D'Amato that
are downright gut-busting funny. I was particularly glad to hear that
D'Amato thinks that his ENDGAME
(1983) is his favorite film because I love that film, too. Some
people may remember BEYOND
THE DARKNESS for its infectious music score by Goblin (SUSPIRIA
- 1977), a mix of synthesizers, guitars and drums. Another extra on
Severin's disc is a 2016 live performance by Goblin of this film's
theme song. Many Italian horror films "borrowed" Goblin's
music from this film (The main offender being Bruno Mattei's THE
OTHER HELL - 1980). Other extras on the disc include an
interview with Cinzia Monreale, an interview with Franca Stoppi, a
short documentary on the locations the film was shot at and the
theatrical trailer. All in all, a nice package. This film deserves it
notoriety, even though it may seem somewhat tame today. The
screenplay, by Ottavio Fabbri, goes for the jugular and succeeds.
Also starring Mario Pezzin, Walter Tribus, Klaus Rainer, Edmondo
Vallini, and Simonetta Allodi as the girl in the disco. Not Rated.
Re-released in 1986 under the title BUIO
OMEGA ("BLUE HOLOCAUST").
According to D'Amato, this version was butchered by censors. Other
films that deal with the subject of necrophilia include Alfred Sole's
porno comedy DEEP SLEEP
(1972; which is considered a lost film in its complete version),
Jacques LaCerte's LOVE
ME DEADLY (1972), Straw Weisman's DEADMATE
(1988) and Jörg Buttgereit's NEKROMANTIK
(1987). UPDATE: Imagine my surprise when I learned that this
film is a remake of a black & white Italian film titled THE
THIRD EYE (1966)! Look for a review soon.
BEYOND
THE SEVENTH DOOR (1987) -
Some films are so bad that they are good. It is rare to find a film
that is so terrible that you can't take your eyes off the screen.
This is such a film. It contains a Serbian actor who can barely speak
English; he looks like the love child of Mick Jagger and Skeletor
(his face looks like a skull with skin glued to it) and an amateur
actress that looks absolutely professional when compared to her
co-star, but would be mocked if she appeared in a professional
production. Oh, and this "film" is Shot On Video
(SOV)! This is basically a two character movie but, like I said, you
won't be able to take your eyes off the screen. It opens with petty
thief Boris (Serbian Actor Lazar Rockwood in his debut film. More on
him later.) getting out of prison and chainsmoking like an industrial
smokestack. He hooks up with ex-girlfriend Wendy (Bonnie Beck. More
on her later also.) and comes up with a plan to rob her very wealthy wheelchair-bound
employer Lord Breston. That night, Wendy lets Boris into Lord
Weston's Castle, where she says she drugged her boss with sleeping
pills (she even shows him the prescription bottle). Legend has it
that Lord Breston keeps a fortune of money in his basement, so Boris
finally picks the lock to the basement Door (Door #1) after trying
several times with no success (Bonnie says to Boris:
"You're not a good thief!" to which Boris replies, "I'm
getting better!"). The basement door closes and locks behind
them and there is no lock to pick this time. A pre-recorded voice on
a reel-to-reel tape recorder, saying over a loud speaker that Lord
Breston knows they are there to rob from him ("Welcome to my
chambers of terror!"). He says that they will be tested on their
ingenuity and whatever they find they can keep. He gives them 20
seconds to get through the next door, as a metal door begins
descending from the ceiling, which they barely make it through
(Consider this Door #1.5) It leads them to a door which looks like a
large combination safe (Door #2) and the voice says, "Count on
your wisdom." Boris is prepared and puts some digital timer on
the safe, which is supposed to give him the combination of the safe
door, but it doesn't work. Wendy says, "Wait a minute, the voice
said 'Count on your wisdom'" and counts the amount of letters in
each word of the sentence and comes up with the combination 5-2-4-6,
which opens up the door. They enter a room with large tiles, some
with letters and some with skulls and crossbones on them and the
recorded voice comes back on and says that the solution to this
puzzle has something to do with astronomy linked to Lord Breston.
Stepping on the wrong tile means death. Boris says, "Astronomy
is not my strong suit. I dropped out in the tenth grade!" They
first try the word JANUS and when Boris steps on the "J"
tile, the wall begins to move closer to them. They then try the word
"RHEA", but it also is wrong and the wall moves even
closer. Wendy figures out the right word is "JUNO" and both
Boris and Wendy step on the letter "O" (Door #3) which
slowly descends into another chamber. (It still doesn't explain why
when Boris originally stepped on the "J" tile, the wall
moved in!). The recorded voice tells them that they have five minutes
to solve the next puzzle, but there is no puzzle to be found and
after the five minutes are up, metal spikes slowly begin decending
from the ceiling which will impale the duo unless Boris figures it
out (Boris yells out, "Screw you! Screw you!" to the
recorded voice, like it will answer him!). Boris finally figures out
that there must be a fake opening in one of the walls and begins
kicking the concrete walls until he finds the fake door (Door #4)
which they both get through just in time before they both become
shish-kebab. It leads to another chamber and Wendy falls through a
trap door in the floor (Door #5) and ends up in another chamber where
there is a male corpse (Played by Canadian street performer Ben Kerr)
holding a screwdriver and many pipes sticking out of the wall. Wendy
grabs the screwdriver from the corpse's rigored hand and begins
unscrewing a metal plate off the wall, only to find one of the screws
is longer than the others. It triggers the next deadly trap, as cold
water begins pouring out of the pipes, filling the chamber up with
water (Wendy rips off her sexy dress and tries to plug the pipes,
but, surprise!, it doesn't work.). Boris is trying to fish out an
extension cord from the spiked room with a retractable metal tape
meaure which he plans on throwing down to Wendy to pull her up out of
the water. He finally gets the extension cord, only to discover that
it is too short, so he takes off his belt and attaches it to the
cord, throwing it down to Wendy. She is able to grab it as the water
fills the chamber, but she weighs too much for Boris to pull her up
without breaking the cord. Boris tells Wendy to hang on and wait for
the water to recede (How does he know it will?) and Wendy complains
that she is suffering and losing feeling in her legs. Sure enough,
the water begins draining out of the chamber and Boris jumps down to
join Wendy. In one of the film's most twisted scenes, Boris begins to
kiss Wendy's legs and they make love (thankfully, off-screen!). We
next see a shirtless Boris asking Wendy why she has to wear such a
sexy outfit and Wendy replies that Lord Breston orders her to. Boris
says ,"You look like a hooker. He's paralyzed from the
waist-down!" Wendy snaps back, "His hands aren't!".
Boris unscrews the metal plate (Door #6), which takes them to a room
where a million dollars in cash is in a metal breifcase sitting on a
table. The recorded voice comes back on and tells them that they can
leave honest people through the unlocked 7th Door if they don't take
the money. If they take the money, they will die. Wendy tries to talk
Boris into not taking the briefcase, but Boris inspects the table and
finds the briefcase is connected to a trip wire that leads to a bomb,
so he takes a couple of bundles of cash out of the briefcase and he
and Wendy walk through the Seventh Door, which takes them to an
elevator to the first floor of the castle. Greed takes hold of Boris,
so he gives a bundle of cash to Wendy and tells her he will be right
back. He takes the elevator down to the room with the briefcase,
takes off his jacket and carefully begins to fill the jacket with
more bundles of cash, not realizing that the trip wire is based on
the weight in the briefcase. As he takes the final bundle out of the
briefcase, we hear the sound of an explosion and Boris is
killed (off-screen). In a surprise turn that no one saw coming
(including me), it turns out that she and Lord Breston (Gary
Freedman, whom we only see from behind in his wheelchair) play this
same scenario out on a regular basis. Yes, Wendy is a serial killer
and she and her boss get their jollies on killing people with their
ingenious traps (The corpse in the water chamber was one of Wendy's
victims.). The only thing that bothers Lord Breston is when he says
to Wendy, "You don't have to make love to all of them, do
you?" The film ends with Wendy dialing the phone and setting up
her next victim for tomorrow night (It does explain how she knew the
answers to some of the difficult puzzles, though). I cant begin to to
explain how awful this film is. But therein lies it's charms. Lazar
Rockwood (who makes Tommy Wiseau look like Laurence Olivier) doesn't
really act. He barely has a grasp on the English language, so he acts
by screaming out his dialogue, chainsmoking, waving his hands around
and jerking his head back-and-forth. There are no second takes in
this film as we listen to Boris butcher the King's English by blowing
some of his lines. You can barely understand what he is saying and it
is very hard to understand why he has had a fairly healthy acting
career, appearing in such Canadian tax shelter films as EXPECT
NO MERCY (1995) and TIGER
CLAWS II (1996), even having a semi-regular role as
"Lazar" on the TNT series WITCHBLADE
(2001-2002)). He is still acting today (this review was written at
the end of 2017), appearing in several DTV movies and starring in the
Serbian film POVRATAK (a.k.a. THE
RETURN - 2017). Co-star Bonnie Beck quit acting in 1996, but
not before appearing in such movies as the John Sayles-scripted WILD
THING (1987), MERCHANTS
OF WAR (1988) and TV series such as FRIDAY
THE 13TH: THE SERIES (1989-1990). But the true mindbender
here is Yugoslavian director/screenwriter Bozidar D. Benedikt, who
went on to direct three more features, the obscure BROOKLYN
NIGHTS (1988, starring a young Heather Graham and Rockwood),
the supernatural mystery GRAVEYARD
STORY (1990, starring John Ireland [his last film] and
Adrian Paul) and the drama VANESSA
(2007, starring Nick Mancuso) and was a religious novelist, writing
such books as "Virgin World " , "Seven Days
To Apocalypse " and his autobiography "They Called
me Disney ". It helps explain why he hired Lazar Rockwood
for his freshman English language film (Benedikt directed and wrote
several Yugoslavian animated shorts in the 60's) and filling it with
some laugh-out-loud moments, such as: Wendy: "You smoke like a
chimney!" Boris: "I'll quit!", and other choice pieces
of dialogue mentioned in this review. This is a Canadian production,
filmed in Toronto, Ontario in what looks like the boiler room of some
abandoned industrial building (It was actually filmed on location at
the famous Casa Loma castle and in special studio-designed
"chambers of terror" according to Benedikt's biography.).
There is absolutely no nudity (even though Wendy takes a shower at
the end of the film) or bloody violence in this film, just the corpse
in the water chamber, yet this film seems so perverse, you'll have a
hard time getting up to go to the bathroom because this film is so
deliriously hypnotic to watch. Finally released on DVD by InterVision
Pictures Corp. (A sub-division of Severin
Films) in a fairly clean fullscreen print (this is video, so a
widescreen print would cut out a lot of visual information). The only
problem with this film (besides the film itself) is that the sound is
sometimes out of synch with the actors' lip movements. It's not a
deal-breaker, but you think they could have fixed it (Even the
streaming version on Amazon Prime has the same problem). Just when I
thought I have seen it all, this film ends up in my mailbox. Highly
recommended for all lovers of bad films. Must be watched with a group
of people to be fully appreciated. Not Rated.
BIG
MEAT EATER (1982) - Here's
something you don't see very often: A horror musical with original
songs, in the same vein as THE
ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW (1975). Unfortunately, this
micro-budgeted Canadian production is weak in every department, from
the acting and mediocre original songs to all the technical aspects.
The quiet town of Burquitlam may seem normal on the surface, but
behind it's façade, it's a real horror show. Unbeknownst to
town butcher Rob Sanderson (George Dawson), huge, hulking black
stranger Abdullah (Clarence "Big" Miller) has just killed
the town's mayor (by shoving his hand into the spinning radiator fan
of a car) and his gangster henchman (he stuffs the body into a
blazing furnace) and walks into Rob's butcher shop (Whose store's
motto is "Pleased to meet you, meat to please you!") when
some meat deliverymen accidentally carry the mayor's dead body into
the store. Thinking that Abdullah was sent over by an employment
agency, Rob slaps a butcher's
smock on him and hires him as an apprentice butcher. At the same
time, a UFO (a bad model on a string) lands in town and the aliens
(two wind-up toy robots) revive the mayor's dead body and possess the
body of young, budding scientist Jan Wczinski (Andrew Gillies). The
aliens' goal: Construct a landing pad for an alien invasion and steal
the contents in the pit of spoiled meat that Rob keeps beneath a trap
door his butcher shop. It seems the contents are fermenting into a
substance known as "Bolonium" (Really?), which is the fuel
the aliens need to power their spaceships. The resurrected mayor
tries to close down Rob's butcher shop to gain access to the
Bolonium, only he doesn't count on the murderous Abdullah being there
to stop him. Meanwhile, Jan (who, for some unknown reason, doesn't
seem to be possessed anymore) has created a jet engine that runs on
Bolonium, so he attaches it to the Mayor's vintage Cadillac and flies
it on a collision course with the alien spaceship. The film ends on a
happy note, but not once does it address the questions on every
viewer's mind: Where did Abdullah come from and why does he want to
kill everyone? This pretty bad horror musical tries way too
hard to make itself into a cult film and it just doesn't work.
Director Chris Windsor (his only directorial credit) places the film
in some alternate 1950's universe, where people wear fedoras, drive
Cadillacs (the kind with the big fins) and break into song and dance
to advance the plot. Bluntly put, the songs (a strange mixture of
ballads, doo-wop and new wave tunes) are terrible and the lipsynching
by the cast of amateur actors rarely match the lyrics on the
soundtrack. Windsor (who co-wrote this mess with Producer Laurence
Keane) tries to make a musical version of PLAN
NINE FROM OUTER SPACE (1959), complete with dimestore
special effects and deliberate bad line readings, but you can't
purposely set out to make a bad cult film. It's the audience that
decides whether a film becomes a cult phenomena and BIG
MEAT EATER is just too low-rent and uninvolving to register
with audiences the way PLAN NINE or ROCKY HORROR did.
It tries too hard to be different, as Abdullah walks around wearing a
fez, a sub-plot concerning a family of Gypsies (who either warn
everyone in town about the alien evil or contribute to it) goes
nowhere and Rob is one of the most clueless people in film history.
There are a few shots of bloody gore, but it is so cheaply done and
out-of-place here, I can hardly see anyone being impressed by it. I
can see what Windsor was trying to achieve here, but his results fail
to hit their intended mark. On a whole, BIG MEAT EATER can't
even be considered an interesting failure. It's just a failure. Also
starring Howard Taylor, Stephen Dimopoulos, Georgina Hegedos, Ida
Carnevali, Sharon Wahl and Heather Smith-Harper. Originally released
on VHS by Media
Home Entertainment and available on DVD from Koch
Vision in a fairly sharp fullscreen print with a reworked Dolby
Digital 5.1 soundtrack. Not Rated.
BLACK
DEVIL DOLL (2007) -
Director Chester Turner's BLACK
DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL (1984) is one of those 80's SOV wonders
which inexplicably has a huge following, not because it is a good
film, but because it is the exact opposite. It is a turd of the
highest order; a film that was shot (and edited) on a store-bought
VHS camcorder; contains non-existant acting by a small cast of rank
amateurs; has grade school special effects; has sound recording so
bad that two tin cans and a piece of string would be considered a
premium upgrade; and a droning, repetitive music score that was
composed on a cheap Casio keyboard. Yet, it just has something that
makes you sit there the entire running time slack-jawed. My opinion
on why this film has achieved cult status is because
jack-of-all-trades Chester Turner has turned out to be an enigma
wrapped in a riddle wrapped in total speculation. After making one
more SOV film, the slightly better TALES
FROM THE QUADEAD ZONE (1987), Turner seemed to drop off the
face of the Earth, which turned his life into a fanboy mystery. Those
that knew him refused to talk about him (unsubstantiated rumors say
that he died in a car crash or turned serial killer in Chicago, where BDDFH
was supposedly filmed), making both of his films highly sought-after
collector's items, even if they are really no better than spending
the night on the couch at your Aunt
Betty's house watching her vacation slideshow of her trip to Cancun. (UPDATE:
A much-alive Chester N. Turner has been found , along with his star
Shirley L. Jones, as can be seen by this photo taken in 2013 HERE.)
Which brings us to this question: Why would anyone in their right
mind remake this film? Well, the good news is that first-time
director Jonathan Lewis and screenwriters Shawn Lewis & Mitchell
Mayes have taken the original film's concept to a whole new raunchy
level full of sex, body fluids, drug use and jokes so off-color, if
Redd Foxx were still alive, he would have had that fatal heart attack
and his last words would be, "Elizabeth, I'm coming to join you
honey!" That's not to say BLACK
DEVIL DOLL is a good film (it's not), but it is just
different enough to merit at least one viewing. The film opens with
an amusing piece of animation where BDD grabs a female member of the
MPAA and fucks her doggie-style just after he butchers all the male
members with a knife. The film proper then begins, as we watch a
black militant prisoner fry in the electric chair and then the
opening credits roll like some faux-70's blaxploitation film, with a
funky, brassy music score playing on the soundtrack (by the excellent
Giallos Flame; search out their soundtrack CD of the film and you
won't be disappointed). High school girl Heather (the slightly plump
and big-breasted Heather Murphy, who looks at least ten years too old
to be in high school) gets bored and decides to mess with an Ouija
Board (Will they never learn?) the same time the black militant (who
raped and killed 15 white women) is being killed in the electric
chair. His spirit enters Heather's white ventriloquist doll and
transforms it into a black big-afroed, jive-talking, sex and
drug-crazed puppet from Hell. The BDD professes his innocence to
Heather (the "Man" set him up) and she instantly falls in
love with him (performing oral and straight sex on him; he then goes
down on her and they even take walks together at sunset!), while
Heather's ex-boyfriend, White-T (Martin Boone) keeps close tabs on
them. BDD soon grows tired of having one white "bitch", so
he talks the infatuated Heather into getting all her other white
girlfriends, Natasha (Natasha Talonz), Candi (Christine Svendsen),
Buffy (Erika Branish) and Bambi (Precious Cox), to come over (We
first see them all together washing a car in the driveway dressed in
skimpy clothes, while BDD jerks-off and ejaculates an amazing amount
of semen against a window!). After a not-so-sly endorsement for Rotten
Cotton (Producer/co-scripter Shawn Lewis' tee shirt company,
which also sells the DVD and posters of this film), the girls compare
their boobs (lots of silicone on view) and play Twister in front of
an increasingly horny BDD. Heather leaves the house and BDD proceeds
to drug and rape the four girls (lots of jiggling silicone) and
savagely kills them, but not necessarily in that order (instead of
Nam flashbacks, he gets Black Panther flashbacks!), by knife, bathtub
electrocution, baseball bat to the head and a slit throat, while
Heather enjoys a burger and fries at a fast food joint. He even finds
time to strangle and butt-fuck White-T ("Damn, that shit is
tight!") when he comes to the house to win back Heather! When
Heather returns home and sees the dead bodies of her friends ("I
thought you were going to fuck them, not kill them!"), she blows
several dozen holes into BDD (next to a poster of Patrick Dempsey
from GREY'S ANATOMY) with a
gun that seems to never run out of bullets (a really funny scene),
but the she immediately gives birth to BDD Jr.! Like I said
before, this is not a good film by any stretch of the imagination,
but it gets positive points for at least trying to be outrageous and
paying homage to several genres (blaxploitation and spaghetti
westerns immediately spring to mind). Unfortunately, the terrible,
amateurish acting by everyone involved (Heather's four female friends
look like they were grabbed from a strip club and told they were
going to be in a film), except for the puppet, and the over-reliance
on flashy editing (split, triple and quadruple screens are wildly
overused) drag the film down a few notches. Still, where else are you
going to see a puppet eat-out a girl's ass, jizz all over another
dead girl's face and then have explosive (and acidic) diarrhea? The
effects are low-rent (but effective) and there is plenty of near-X
nudity and sex (although I'm not a big fan of women who are more
plastic than natural), so if you are in the mood for something cheap,
lewd and unusual, BLACK DEVIL DOLL
might be right up your back alley. All others are forewarned. A
Lowest Common Denominator Entertainment DVD Release (their logo is a
shit-stained toilet!). Not Rated and for many good reasons.
BLACK
MAGIC RITES (1973) -
Director Renato Polselli (THE
VAMPIRE AND THE BALLERINA - 1960; one of the screenwriters of PSYCHOUT
FOR MURDER - 1969; who is listed as "Ralph Brown"
here) is either a demented genius or crazy as a loon. I still haven't
made up my mind after watching this film but, either way, this isn't
a film you'll easily forget.
Four male cultists, dressed in red tights, black capes and headbands
(looking more
like cheap superheroes than cultists), are in the midst of
sacrificing a young woman to their goddess Isabella, whose naked body
is crucified before them, her body rotting with a huge hole in her
chest (smack dab in the middle of her cleavage!). This is one of the
strangest human sacrifices that I have ever seen in a film, as it
contains jackhammer editing (by Polselli), lots of gel lighting and
hardly any dialogue, just a dog howling and plenty of bongos playing
on the soundtrack. The cultists carve out the young woman's heart
(she is topless, with a red satin sheet covering her most private of
parts) and give it to Isabella, who is without a heart (hence the
huge hole in her chest). The young woman's name is Raquel and somehow
her sacrifice affects Laureen (Rita Calderoni; A
QUIET PLACE IN THE COUNTRY - 1968; who also portrays
Isabella). When Raquel is being sacrificed, Laureen has a vivid
nightmare where she is being tortured and attacked by bats. I really
don't know what it has to do with the rest of the film, but maybe
describing what happens will trigger an "aha!" moment
and I can make sense of it all. If not, at least you'll be just as
confused as I am!
Laureen is the stepdaughter of Jack Nelson (Mickey Hargitay; THE
BLOODY PIT OF HORROR - 1965), a rich industrialist who
bought Laureen an expensive piano, but the village priest (Gabriele
Bentivoglio; THE
PERFUME OF THE LADY IN BLACK - 1974) doesn't like the sound
it makes when Laureen plays it. Why? Damned if I know. Laureen is
about to get married to local man Richard Brenton (William Darni). At
the wedding, Jack has a flashback that takes place 500 years earlier,
where his ancestor watches the superstitious locals tie Isabella to a
cross and drive a wooden stake through her heart (which would explain
the huge hole in her cleavage), then burning her alive, while his
ancestor (also portrayed by Hargitay) screams that she will live
again. Not only did the villagers accuse Isabella of being a witch,
they also believed she was a vampire! Everytime Jack glances at his
stepdaughter, he has the look of longing on his face, meaning he
looks forward to the day that Isabella returns to life and can be in
his arms once again. Laureen keeps having visions (?) of someone
sneaking up behind her and rubbing their hands over her breasts and
the rest of her body, Laureen reaching a climax. Is it possible she
is seeing this though Isabella's eyes? Is she the "Reincarnation
Of Isabel"? (An alternate title to this film, even though
her name is Isabella).
We then discover that Raquel was one of seven female friends, all of
them virgins (hard to believe considering the way they look!), who
have come to participate in friend Laureen's wedding. The four
cultists need seven virgin sacrifices to bring back Isabella to life
(or at least I think they do!). The next virgin to be sacrificed is
Christa (Krista Barrymore), Laureen finding her dead naked body on
the castle's stairs. At Christa's funeral, the priest tells Jack that
Satan is near and he smiles, as Gerg (Bonini Marcello; SO
SWEET...SO PERVERSE - 1969) shovels dirt on Christa's
coffin. We then see that Christa is very much alive (or undead?),
screaming and banging on the inside of her casket for someone to let
her out. Gerg hears her screams and laughs (there's a lot of that in
this film!), knowing that she is better off dead (or at least that's
the way I think he feels). Christa's friend Mabel (Carmen Young)
hears Christa's screams and tells the priest, who says she's
imagining it due to her grief (she then forgets about the whole matter!).
Laureen is kidnapped and put in a booby-trapped cage in the castle
dungeon, where one of its walls has knives protruding from it and it
moves closer and closer towards her. Her screams are heard by
Richard, who comes to her rescue before she is turned into human
shish-kebab (Jack tells Richard that she must have gone exploring in
his castle's basement and did this to herself!). That night, another
one of the virgins, Steffy (Stefania Fassio), tells fellow virgin
Viveca (Marisa Indice) that she just saw Christa at their bedroom
window and stutterer Rocha (Raul Lovecchio, listed in the credits as
"Raoul"; KIDNAP
SYNDICATE - 1975) enters their bedroom and seduces the both
of them (but, apparently, didn't take their virginity!). A strong
wind then blows open all the windows in the castle and the story
really goes off the rails. Jack enters virgin Elizabeth's (Anna
Ardizzone) bedroom, bites her on her neck and she enjoys it, moaning
in pleasure. The cultists enter the castle (it is at this time that
we discover Jack is one of the cultists) and begin sexually
assaulting all the remaining virgins, but they love it. Elizabeth
runs away from a laughing Jack and he chases her outside, where she
meets a naked Mabel. We then see a huge wooden cross on fire, as an
old woman from the village accuses Elizabeth and Mabel of setting the
village's religious symbol on fire. The whole village shows up,
poking sticks at Elizabeth and Mabel's naked bodies as they lie on
the ground, accusing the pair of being possessed (WTF?!?). The priest
says that if they are really possessed, they will not survive the
"altar of fire" (Hey, have any non-possessed people
survived it?). We then see both Elizabeth and Mabel burn to death in
the altar of fire.
I really can't go on. Watching this film is akin to having a
bad fever dream. All this film amounts to is scene-after-scene of
grotesque or sexual
imagery, none of it having anything to do with what comes before or
after it. The non-linear way the story is told is very confusing, but
never boring. Nearly every young women in this film spends more time
out of their clothes than in them. Renato Polselli, who also wrote
the screenplay, has the young actresses act aroused all the time,
making it hard for us to believe they are virgins (not every virgin
is sexually repressed, but you will find none of that in this film!).
But he films all the lovemaking between men and women in a comical
way, using fast, circus-like music during the sex scenes (making it
look and sound like a Benny Hill sketch), even going as far as to
show Rocha spitting out pubic hair from his mouth the entire time he
is getting laid! But Poselli is a fascinating filmmaker nonetheless,
using unusual camera angles to film some scenes and bathing shots in
bright primary colors (which will remind you of Dario Argento's SUSPIRIA
- 1977). This film may make absolutely no sense, but it is sure
pretty to look at. Filmed back-to-back with Poselli's DELIRIUM
(1972; look for a review soon), featuring
90% of the actors and technicians in this film. Mickey Hargitay has
little to do here besides looking forlorn and laughing like an insane
person. I wonder if he ever showed daughter Mariska this film?
Filmed as RITA,
MAGIE NERE E SEGRETE ORGE NEL TRECENTO ("Rites, Black
Magic And Secret Orgies Of the 14th Century") and also known
under the nonsensical title THE GHASTLY (HORRIBLE) ORGIES OF COUNT DRACULA,
this film never received a U.S. theatrical or legitimate VHS
release, making its first appearance on these shores as an uncut
widescreen DVD from Redemption Films/Image Entertainment early in the
New Millennium. It was recently upgraded to Blu-Ray courtesy of
Redemption and Kino Lorber.
This review is based on the print I saw for free on Retromedia
Entertainment's streaming site. The print, which bears the original
Italian title and is in 4x3 letterbox and in it's original Italian
with English subtitles. It is also uncut, but the film is interrupted
every 15 minutes with a short 30-second commercial break (just like
most free streaming sites). It is not a deal-breaker, though, because
some of the commercials shown are interesting and surreal, like this
film itself (One commercial shows two gay men, dressed as masked
wrestlers, jumping on each other in bed, while the narrator tells
them to get checked for AIDS!). Also starring Vittorio Fanfoni (BEYOND
THE DOOR - 1974), Max Dorian, Consolata Moschera, Dunca
Balsor and Cristina Perrier as "Glenda", the last of the
seven virgins. Not Rated.
BLOOD
DELIRIUM (1988) - This film
is going to be hard to explain. Music composer Sybille (Brigitte
Christensen, who spends the first few minutes topless) comes home and
listens to the phone messages on her answering machine. To her
surprise, one of the messages is from herself......from the future!
On the message, she tells herself that they are like two flames that
burn as one. While the message is playing, Sybille's piano starts
playing by itself and objects start flying around the room. When her
fiance, Gerard (Marco Di Stefano), comes over and she tells him what
she heard and witnessed, he tells her that she's simply been working
to hard and her mind is playing tricks on her. At the same time,
famous painter Charles Saint Simone (John Phillip Law), known simply
as "Maestro", is at his dying wife Christine's (also
portrayed by Christensen) bedside. Before she dies, she tells her
husband about "two flames that burn as one" and how she
will come back from the dead to be with him again. After his wife's
death, the Maestro goes quite mad and, for a year, he is unable to
paint anything to his satisfaction. He gets the bright idea to dig up
Christine's corpse for inspiration, so he and his servant, Hermann
(Gordon Mitchell), who secretly pined for Christine (we see him kiss
her all over her dead body during her wake a year earlier!), dig up
her body and place her maggot-ridden corpse by her piano.
Yes, Christine was also a composer and her last composition, titled
"Delirium", echoes in the Maestro's head. The Maestro
paints a mask of Christine's face, puts it over the skull of his dead
wife's corpse and starts painting again, but when the mask falls off,
he loses his mind even more, as he imagines that his wife is laughing
at him. He ends up burning over one hundred of his valuable paintings
along with his wife's corpse. Now here's when it really begins to get
strange. When Sybille is playing piano at her home, a window blows
open and an invitation to one of the Maestro's gallery showings blows
in. Sybille goes to the gallery and as soon as the Maestro sets sight
of her, he thinks his wife has come back to him. To make a crazy long
story short, Sybille ends up at the Maestro's castle and is soon
wearing Christine's clothes and playing Christine's music, while the
Maestro (who thinks he is the reincarnation of Van Gogh) begins
painting in earnest again. He still can't seem to paint what he feels
(He says to Sybille, "Can you give me the color of
suffering?"), but when the even loonier Hermann rapes and kills
a local girl, the Maestro finds that missing element in his
paintings: Blood! He hangs the murdered girl upside down and drains
the body of all it's blood and uses the red stuff liberally in his
paintings. When Sybille accidentally discovers Hermann cutting up the
body and disposing of the parts in an acid bath, the Maestro
drugs and locks her in her bedroom. Things get weirder from
here, as the Maestro runs out of blood ("I need more
color!"), so he has Hermann kill one of Sybille's nosy friends.
As Gerard rushes to help Sybille (he owns a two seater helicopter!),
the finale finds "future Sybille" (thought the filmmakers
forgot about her, didn't you?) saving both Gerard and Sybille (who
are slowly being bled to death) and dropping pieces of the castle
down on the Maestro (who, in keeping with the Van Gogh tradition, has
cut off his own ear) and Hermann, killing them. Of course, none
of this film makes an ounce of sense, but it is so out-there and
unusual, it will hold you in it's loony, hypnotic spell. It
should come as no surprise that this tale of obsession and possession
was directed and co-scripted by Sergio Bergonzelli (identifed on some
prints as "Peter Hudson"), who gave us the equally demented IN
THE FOLDS OF THE FLESH (1970). Just like that film, BLOOD
DELIRIUM is all over the map, throwing one twisted visual
after another at us, whether it be Hermann's insatiable urge to
fondle and kiss dead naked female bodies, the Maestro's obsession
with Van Gogh or Sybille being kept drugged in a glass coffin (not to
mention acid baths, which appear in both films). Also, just like in FOLDS,
there's a twisted family dynamic going on, especially the
relationship between master Maestro and servant Hermann. The Maestro
professes his hatred of Hermann to Sybille, but the truth of the
matter is one couldn't survive without the other. Both John Phillip
Law (AMERICAN COMMANDOS
- 1985) and Gordon Mitchell (ENDGAME
- 1983) overact shamelessly (Truth be told, I've never seen either of
them more animated than they are here, as they both are usually very
stiff), but it suits this film like a comfortable pair of shoes on an
aching pair of feet. Watching this film is like taking a short
hallucinogenic acid trip, where time travel, body parts, copious
amounts of nudity, necrophelia, paintings that bleed, spontaneously
combust or explode, electrified doorknobs, vengeful spirits that
manifest themselves as orbs of light and enough blood to satisfy the
Red Cross for a month fleet across the screen and embed themselves in
your brain. What more could you want? An undiscovered classic of
weird cinema. Also starring Olinka Hardiman and Lucia Prato. Never
released legitimately on home video in the U.S., the print I viewed
was taken from a Greek-subtitled VHS tape. Not Rated.
BLOOD
DEMON RISING (2012 - 2016) -
Here's a pure horror film from the makers of the gore/slasher/sci-fi
hybrid film SPACESHIP
TERROR (2011 -2014) and just like that film, this one took
four years to make, is chock-full of terrible CGI and contains some
of the worst acting on this planet, yet it is fascinating to watch
just for the sheer weirdness of it all. This Tacoma,
Washington-lensed flick opens with the camera panning down on an
obvious CGI castle, where a group of cultists gather to witness a
ritual offering to the Grimises Demon (Stephen Lestat), a creature
with horns protruding out of his head. The offering is a topless
woman on an altar and when Grimises bites her breast and drinks her
blood, he yells out,
"You poisoned me!" (My guess is that the woman wasn't a
virgin). The leader of the cult, James (Norman Newkirk), orders his
guards to kill all of the cult members and they do so (lots of
stabbings and slit throats). James decides to open the castle as a
Haunted House Amusement Park for Halloween, where he plans on
kidnapping female guests to satisfy the demon's thirst for female
blood (Grimises demands that the women be pure and follow the
Christian way!). We then switch over to the Catholic Church at the
Vatican, where Father Paul (Bruce Weech) sends Father Samuel (Simone
Leorin) to destroy Grimises, using the "Judas Knife".
Legend has it that the traitor Judas took his thirty pieces of silver
(for betraying Jesus) and melted his payment to make the knife, which
was meant to be used to kill demons. It has been sitting in the
Vatican for hundreds of years and now is the time to use it. At the
opening of the Haunted House (where James uses mutilated bodies of
his tortured victims to scare the ticket-buyers), Joanna (Ronee
Collins) and Vicky (Chelsey Tillich), along with boyfriends Shawn
(Logan Littlefield) and Dave (Jareth Hixon, who is simply a horrible
actor), pay forty dollars for their tickets , where the female
ticket-taker has her lips sewn shut and only talks with the aid of
holding up signs (this part is funny as hell!). Only two people are
allowed to enter the amusement park at a time, so instead of them
going as a couple, Joanna and Vicky decide to enter by themselves.
Big Mistake. Grimices thinks that they will be good vessels for his
seed, so James goes about of leading them to a jail cell, where James
has his guards strip them naked and put white robes on (White for
"purity", but, shit, they have boyfriends. Does Grimices
really think they are virgins?). Grimices looks at them in the cell
and says, "Im the cat and you're my bird!" (Previously,
Joanna is frightened out of her mind when she is almost on the losing
end of the blade of a knife when it comes thrusting out of a wall. It
seems that James has stabbed his wife in the mouth for talking too
much and pinned her to the wall!). Grimises takes some of their blood
and mixes it in with his, which creates a worm-like creature, which
James puts on the women's stomachs and it enters their body through
their navel. Grimices says now they are pregnant and will deliver
babies within two days (!), and he will inhabit the soul of one of
the infants. Meanwhile, Shawn and Dave (who, in a bid for
cross-promotion, are wearing red sweat shirts with "Spaceship
Terror Film Crew 2010" silk-screened on them) go in
search of their girlfriends (They see a gagged woman in a
strait-jacket wiggling on a table and Shawn says, "What do you
call an epileptic in a lettuce patch? Seizure Salad!" Really?).
Dave and Shawn exit the amusement park without finding their
girlfriends, so they try sneaking back into the castle and Father
Samuel catches them and says that their girlfriends are probably home
laughing at them. (Shawn unbelievably says to the priest, "You
know us guys. Young, dumb and full of cum!") and wait for Father
Samuel to leave. They sneak into the castle through a window and
search a closet, where they see a man with a bloodied face and his
eyeball hanging out of the socket, who says to the pair, "My
girlfriend was kidnapped. Get the hell out of here before it is too
late!" and then dies. More determined to find their girlfriends
than ever, they go off and search the rest of the castle. In the
film's most effective scene, the two guys run into an evil little
girl holding a knife (Gabrielle Urban, the best thing about this
film. She out-acts everyone else in the cast). She asks the guys
"Do you like my dress? I'm going to get one that was stolen from
me which I like better!" (every once in a while a CGI spider
comes out of her hair and crawls on her face). When Dave asks her to
give him the knife, that is just what she does, right in his leg! She
runs away, killing the woman who stole her polka dot dress. Then two
female vampire servants of Grimices (they are listed in the closing
credits as " Female Vimpire Servents") attack and bite
Shawn and Dave and Grimices is furious when he catches them doing
it. He makes them disappear in a puff of CGI smoke. We next see
Dave and Shawn in the jail cell, where they see some masked cult
guards walking past them. Shawn throws his Zippo at them and hits one
of them on the head, but he doesn't turn around. Dave says that they
are zombies and continues with "What's next, Werewolves?"
The film instantly goes to James standing next to a sign on the wall
that reads, "Werewolves do it doggy style"! Father Samuel
meets local priest Father John (Tom
Ricciardelli) at Marcia's Diner (where SPACESHIP
TERROR's Yulia Hancheroff is their waitress) and Father John
tells him that several prominent people in the community have
disappeared. They were known to be in a cult that believed in eternal
life through vampirism (earlier in the film, Grimices offered James
eternal life if he did his bidding). Vicky isn't responding to the
two-day pregnancy as well as Joanna is (I guess Vicky is not a
virgin, but she is now a vampire!) and dies in front of Dave (his
response to seeing her die should be in the Worst Acting Hall Of
Fame!). Father Samuel enters the Haunted House Amusement park with
his Judas Knife and new friend Mindy (Samantha Ram), because neither
of them came with a friend and the amusement park only allows two
people at a time to enter. Mindy is whisked away for Grimices food
and Father Samuel hides out in the castle when the amusement park
closes. (James gives everyone five minutes to vacate the castle and
when he runs into a couple that are late to leave, he strips the
woman topless and chops her up into pieces with a hand axe [Shown as
shadows against the wall]. The man has a hot poker shoved in his eye
and then has his tongue cut out [not shown as shadows against the
wall]). We then see Joanne deliver her baby (which actually looks
like a six-month old baby boy!), as Father Samuel, dressed as a cult
member, pulls out his Judas Knife and stabs the Grimices Demon,
killing him (it is done so matter-of-factly, with absolutely no fight
whatsoever). To make sure the Grimices Demon's soul doesn't enter the
baby's body, Joanna kills the baby with a sword (!) and all of
Grimices' followers die, except for James. The film ends with James
meeting the evil little girl (who is now wearing a bloodied polka dot
dress) and she wants to know if she can join James on his trip to the
Netherworld. James says, "Yes, I love little girls!" and we
see the little girl's actual face (another bad bit of CGI) THE END.
Director/co-producer/screenwriter/editor Harry Tchinski has once
again made a film that should have failed miserably, but it is so
"out there", you can't help but watch and enjoy it.
Everything that I hate, including bad CGI (done by Tchinski),
horrible acting and bare-bones sets, should make this a loser for me,
but Tchinski somehow manages to make this film an enjoyable ride.
Just like in his previous film, wife Wendy Tchinski and Doug Hudson
supply better-than-average physical effects and the music score, by
Eric Bridenbaker, is better than it has any right to be. Fans of
weird cinema will want to search this one out. I saw BLOOD
DEMON RISING for free on Amazon Prime. If you are a Prime
member, look for it. Also starring Ronda Olshefski and Tiffany Black
as the topless "Female Vimpire Servents", John Bunn as the
eyball hanging man in the closet and Angela Garner as Shawn's
ex-girlfriend Becky, who Shawn sees all bloody and begging him to let
her out of a cage, but he thinks she is part of the Haunted House
exhibit, so he just waves his hands and says, "Bye, Bye.
Remember that I wasn't good enough for you."! Self distributed
on Blu-Ray and DVD by Harwen Entertainment (a combination of Harry
and Wendy's first three letters of their names) and Indie Rights
Movies at the end of January 2017. Self-Imposed R Rating, but
this was never submitted to the MPAA.
BLOOD
JUNKIE (2010) - After watching
director/jack-of-all-trades Drew Rosas' second feature-length film,
the baseball-themed horror flick BILLY
CLUB (2014), which I liked immensely, I just had to see his
first film, which is this one, and I'm glad to say that it's a great
little horror movie that just reeks of 80's horror film nostalgia.
It's ultra low-budget, but the film is a grand watch. First the
bad news: It's a Troma DVD release which means we have to put up with
one of Lloyd Kaufman's unskippable insipid openings, this time with a
laughing Debbie Rochon and it offers nothing about this film because
it isn't about the film. Every time the film's title is mentioned,
there's always something covering Kaufman's and Rochon's mouths, so
the opening could
be about any film. Just add another voice to dub a different title.
It's the nadir of openings and Rochon looks stoned to the gills. Now
the good news: For once, Troma decided to show the film in widescreen
(although not anamorphic, so you'll have to fiddle with your HD TV's
settings) and it looks great. How many times have you heard that
about a Troma DVD (especially one before 2013)? This film was shot
under the title ROCKY TRAILS,
but when Troma acquired it, they changed the name to a more
exploitative title and for once it actually fits the film. America's
Dairyland, 1989 (actually filmed in Wisconsin, so the opening
crawl is true): A father and his son Andy (Brady Cohen) are
driving down the road when they pass a long-haired, bandana-wearing
hitch-hiker carrying a backpack and a plastic jug of water. The
camera switches to the hitch-hiker, as he walks down the road and
then into the forest, where he spots an abandoned chemical factory
and decides to spend the night there (It is in real-life a no-longer-on-use
glue factory that was cleaned out and Rosas had to get the owner's
permission to film there when cops caught him scouting-out the place.
Luckily he got permission, because the building is a character unto
itself.). The hitch-hiker scopes out the place, which is large and
empty, so he decides to stay there for the night, breaks a wooden
chair and builds a small fire inside to keep him warm when he sleeps.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Just as he is eating a can of beans he cooked
over the fire, a creature (Andrew Swant) wearing a gas mask (the kind
with a long tube that juts-out the mouth area) suddenly attacks him
and drags him away screaming. We then see Andy watching TV , as he
switches channels and we can spot scenes from NIGHT
OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968) and NOSFERATU
(1922; pay close attention to what Andy is watching before he starts
switching channels). We then see Rachel (Emily Treolo) getting
dressed in 80's workout gear (It must be mentioned that the stunt
boobs were supplied by Kelly Cunningham), which includes a leotard
and head and wristbands and watches and exercises to a workout VHS
tape hosted by Billy The Butt (Bobby Ciraldo). Andy is all alone in
the house, when his sister Laura (Sarah Luther) comes in and reads a
note from her parents, saying they are going away for the weekend and
want Laura to take care of Andy for the weekend. They also leave
$35.00 on the counter, so Laura calls up best friend Rachel and wants
to know how much booze $35.00 will buy. Rachel stops her workout
routine and says she'll be right over. We then see Craig (Nick
Sommer) waking up his best friend Teddy (Mike Johnson) and try to
think of something to do for the weekend, but first Craig hits on
Teddy's mom (Carrie Hitchcock), who warns Craig that one day she may
take him up on his offer (and she probably would!). Craig is a
wise-ass, but he is harmless; just your typical 80's teenage best
friend. Laura and Rachel go to the local liquor store and Rachel uses
her sexy charms on nerdy clerk Wade (Ryan Plato) to buy some alcohol,
even though they are both underage. It works and as they are walking
out the liquor store carrying bottles of booze, Craig approaches them
after seeing Rachel at work with Wade. Craig and Teddy invite them to
a camping party, but Laura has to watch Andy for the weekend. Rachel
convinces Laura to bring her little brother with them because she
thinks the guys are cute. Laura agrees and she and Rachel head for
Laura's house. (Craig makes fun of Wade, saying he will never get
laid and makes him smell his finger!). When Laura gets home, Andy is
outside burning ants with a magnifying glass and she bribes him $5.00
to come with them to the camping party and makes sure Andy has his
lies down straight should their parents ask him what they did for the
weekend. Craig and Teddy pull up to Laura's house in a paneled
station wagon. Craig makes a wise-ass remark and Laura shoots back,
"Hey, my Grandmother has a car just like that!" They all
drive to the abandoned Rocky Trails Campgrounds, where there are
still buildings standing, but the quartet decide to set up tents and
camp outside instead (Going to a campground is never a good idea in
the 80's. Especially if it is deserted.). Just like every 80's horror
flick that takes place in the woods, they all sit around a campfire
at night and Craig tell a story about a local horror legend (We all
know that legends are usually based on facts blown out of
proportion). Craig tells everyone about a "man-beast" who
would suck the blood out of the local livestock. He would just take
enough blood to leave the livestock alive so it could return later
and repeat the procedure. This man-beast is supposed to be the
missing night guard at the nearby the chemical plant (the one we saw
the hitch-hiker in), where there was a horrible chemical accident
decades earlier and the night guard's body was never found. Could
that be the gas mask creature we saw attacking the hitch-hiker? Teddy
and Rachel take a hike to the Rocky Trails Headquarters, which is
still standing. Rachel discovers a newspaper dated "Nov.
1956" (funny how no day is mentioned) which tells the complete
story about the deadly chemical plant accident where a body was never
found (terrific editing by Rosas here). They leave the building
because Rachel becomes freaked out. Craig passes out drunk on Laura,
while Teddy and Rachel make love (Teddy tells Craig the next day that
he got to "third base") in the back of the station wagon
(Kelly Cunningham's stunt boobs again). Morning comes and Andy goes
on a short hike of his own, fashioning a spear with a stick and a pen
knife and impaling a frog on it (how it was done without actually
hurting the frog can be read on IMDb). He hears Laura call for him,
so he throws the bloody spear away and goes back to camp (Andy has a
unique obsession with death.). Craig is still passed-out drunk and
Teddy is still worn-out, so Rachel, Laura & Andy go on a hike on
their own and find the abandoned chemical plant. They all go inside
and see how immense it is, but Laura is "creeped-out" and
leaves to go back to the campsite with Andy, while Rachel stays
behind to take photos inside with her Instamatic camera. Well, I
guess we know who the next victim is. Rachel walks through the
darkness and is attacked by the gas mask-wearing creature. We hear
her screams, as Laura and Andy make it back to the camp and Craig and
Teddy decide to go looking for Rachel (Laura wants them to leave the
car keys with her, so Craig hands them over, making another wise-ass
remark about Laura stealing the car). Laura wants to go for a swim,
so before the guys leave the camp, Craig climbs a tree to watch Laura
strip to put her bathing suit on (My God, she has the hairiest bush I
have ever seen in a movie! I wonder if Kelly Cunningham was the
"stunt bush" in this film, too?). The guys then leave and
make it to the abandoned chemical factory, go inside and yell for
Rachel ("This place is dead!"), but the gas mask creature
is actually at the campsite attacking Laura. Andy buries a machete
into the
creature's back and Laura and Andy get into the car, but the creature
pulls Laura out of the driver side window and injects the back of her
neck with something in a hypodermic needle. While the gas mask
creature has Laura tied up and is taking her by wheelbarrow back to
the chemical plant, Laura's eyeglasses slip off and fall to the
ground. Andy follows the creature, while Teddy finds an empty
hypodermic needle on the floor of the factory and Craig says,
"Junkies, man...junkies!". They leave the abandoned factory
and, while walking back, Teddy finds Laura's eyeglasses and Craig
says she can't see a thing without them, so they head back to the
chemical plant after discovering that the station wagon is damaged.
I'll leave the final 15 minutes for you to discover because it is too
good and unexpected to give away. I had to watch the film twice to
get all the subtle clues, because never in a million years will you
guess the ending. Both of director/producer/screenwriter/editor
(and about a half dozen other duties behind the camera) Drew Rosas'
films have terrific surprise endings, which makes me want to call him
the "Low-budget M. Night Shyamalan", but only in
Shyamalan's early career. Rosas does a great job giving the film that
80's vibe (especially the music, which Rosas also contributed to), as
the guys wear acid-washed jeans or those short-shorts that show your
balls, play games on an Atari 2600 gaming system, both Craig and
Teddy sport those half-full mustaches that were so popular back then
(unlike those thick 70's porn mustaches), have Winger and a "Rock
Or Die" posters on Teddy's bedroom wall and one of them dons a
Ronald Reagan mask during an 80's montage sequence (one of the most
over-used techniques in 80's films of all kinds and Rosas edits it
perfectly). Not to mention the awful hairstyles from both sexes of
the period. If you are old enough, you will be impressed how well
Rosas nails the period (especially how important VHS and music
cassettes were in our daily lives). It's one of the best 80's films
made in the New Millennium. The blood and gore doesn't kick-in until
the final 15 minutes and some of the stuff goes way beyond R-Rated
material (and it's all physical), but I'm not going to give anything
away (Except to say that the hose on the gas mask is used for more
than just breathing). The gas mask killer actually does have a valid
reason for being in this film, but like I said before, I'll leave it
for you to discover. And once you do discover it, you will be asking
yourself all sorts of questions. Very valid questions. A great way to
spend 72 minutes of your life, once you get past the idiotic Lloyd
Kaufman opening. Many of the actors in this film (including a
fully-clothed Kelly Cunningham) would later appear in Drew Rosas' BILLY
CLUB (2014; co-directed by this film's star Nick Sommer),
another film that has that 80's atmosphere. I hope he doesn't wait
four years between films. This guy has more than enough talent to
spare and all of the actors are fantastic. You'll actually think
you're back in the 80's if you lived through it. And man, that
ending! Also featuring Anne Killelea, Chris Chuzles as the
hitch-hiker and TJ Richter as the face of the creature without the
gas mask. A Troma Entertainment
DVD Release (It contains Rosas' first short film, PLASTIC FANGS
[2005], deleted scenes and his running commentary during the film). I
managed to pick up the DVD for a measly $5.98 from Oldies.com.
Not Rated.
BLOOD
OF GHASTLY HORROR (1964 - 1967) -
Technically, this was director/producer Al Adamson's first film,
originally made as a criminal heist film with actor Roy Morton (his
only other acting credit is as a rapist in the 1972 film FUZZ)
as the star, but he and friend Samuel M. Sherman (who were yet to
form Independent International Pictures) were unable to sell it to
any distributor. The next year, Adamson added scenes (with John
Carradine), changing the film into a science fiction flick and called
in PSYCHO A GO-GO
(1965), but he and Sherman were still unable to get any distributor
interested in it. A couple of years later, Allied Artists approached
Adamson and Sherman to see if they had any color horror films to
purchase for a package being sold to TV, so Adamsom shot still more
footage to the film (adding Tommy Kirk, Regina Carrol and Kent Taylor
to the cast), making it a zombie/mad scientist film and sold it to
Allied Artists under the title THE
MAN WITH THE SYNTHETIC BRAIN (1967), with some violent
scenes edited out. Adamson and Sherman had formed Independent
International Pictures by then and decided to add some more violent
scenes to the film to the version they sold to TV and called it BLOOD
OF GHASTLY HORROR (1967), where it had a very limited
theatrical release in 1967 and then a much wider theatrical release
in 1971 (Actually
early January of 1972, but the copyright on the film under the title
was listed as 1971. Sherman was anal about making sure none of his
films fell into Public Domain and always re-registered their
copyrights. He still owns most of the films today and makes money off
them. More small budget label owners during this time period should
have followed Sherman's lead. They would have a lot more money in
their pockets today!). It was usually paired with Adamson's piecemeal
film HORROR OF THE
BLOOD MONSTERS (1965/1970) and was a financial success for
both Adamson and Sherman. I went into this film with more than a
little trepidation, but it is is rather interesting and entertaining
considering its history. Since this is a Troma DVD, I expected
the usual lousy unfunny videotaped cold opening by Lloyd Kaufman (who
always looked like he is reading the information off cue cards for
the first time), but this one actually opens with Sam Sherman
dragging two plastic bags, which he says are the body parts of
critics who hated the film. He then goes into a short, funny history
(He tells us not to fall asleep for five minutes, because when we
wake up, we will think another film is playing!) of the making of the
film (he says the first incarnation was a hit in Pakistan!) and the
movie begins (Sherman also does a feature-length commentary track, so
you can learn all you need to know about this film and Sherman's life
as a film distributor). Since this is a Troma DVD, the print is in
fullscreen (but it looks excellent, especially coming from Troma) and
we see a facially-deformed zombie named Akro (Richard Smedley;
Adamson's BRAIN OF BLOOD
- 1971), killing a prostitute, her john and two police detectives by
crushing their necks with his strong hands and arms (Akro does
something to the last detective's body offscreen and we will soon
learn what it is). The Police Commissioner calls Sgt. Cross (Tommy
Kirk; STREETS OF DEATH
- 1987) and wants these murders (there were more before the film
began) solved immediately. Sgt. Cross then gets a package addressed
to him at police headquarters and when he opens it up, there is the
decapitated head of the last murdered detective inside (he was Sgt.
Cross' friend) and also a note (each letter pasted from a headline in
a newspaper), which says "All Will Die For Corey". Sgt.
Cross remembers the Corey case, where Joe Corey (Roy Morton) returned
from Vietnam almost brain dead with a shell fragment lodged in his
cranium. Dr. Howard Vernard (John Carradine) operated on Corey, but
he said he could not save him, declaring him dead and signing his
death certificate (Don't you believe it!). We then go to the 1964
footage, where Joe Corey and two associates rob a half million
dollars in a jewel heist (They are dressed in medical garb with
surgical masks hiding their faces). After changing into civilian
clothes in a closet, they take the elevator down to the first floor,
but before they are able to make it, one of the tied-up female
workers hits the alarm button and one of the gang members panics,
goes to a roof and throws the case carrying the jewels into the back
of a white pickup truck owned by construction worker David Clarke
(Kirk Duncan; SECONDS - 1966),
before a cop shoots him. Corey comes through the door, knocks out the
cop and shoots his partner dead, laughing maniacally. David gets in
his truck and unknowingly drives away with the loot; a woman in
another car following him home (she's not the getaway driver because
we see Corey and the other member get picked up in a van). Lt. Frank
Ward (Joey Benson; GALLERY
OF HORROR - 1967) pays Dr. Vanard a visit, because he signed
Corey's death certificate, but his prints are all over the crime
scene. For reasons only known to Adamson and Sherman, Corey kills a
secretary working at David's construction company with a letter
opener so he can get David's address. Corey and his gang drive to
David's home (Including the woman we saw following David home.
Couldn't she have simply given Corey the address rather than him kill
an innocent person? The mind boggles.), where Corey beats the crap
out of David asking him where the half-million in jewels are. David
has no idea what they are talking about, so Corey discovers that
David has a divorced wife named Linda (Tracy Robbins) and a young
daughter named Nancy (K.K. Riddle) and go looking for them (Nancy saw
the bag of jewels when her father drove home). Lt. Ward return to Dr.
Vanard's office when Vanard calls him and says he needs to see him.
He tells Ward that he built an artificial component to replace the
part that was damaged in Joe Corey's brain, but it turned him into a
psychopathic killer with no sense of right or wrong. Lt. Ward calls
Dr. Vanard the killer and tells him that he will be returning to
arrest him after he gets charges from the District Attorney. Joe
Corey goes to the lounge where Linda works as a singer, but the bar
floozy says Linda and her daughter took the bus to Lake Tahoe for a
short vacation. Corey strangles the bar floozy in her apartment just
for shits and giggles ("So long, honey!"). Corey then
visits Dr. Vanard, straps him vertically to a table, puts a metal cap
on his head and electrocutes him until his whole lab explodes (this
is the last of the 1965 footage). We are now back to the 1967
footage, where Sgt. Cross says there is only one person still left
alive in the Joe Corey case: him. He is paid a visit by Dr. Vanard's
daughter, Susan (Regina Carrol; Adamson's THE
FEMALE BUNCH - 1971; she was Adamson's wife from 1972 until
she died of cancer in 1992 at 49 years-old; Barney Gelfan, who
appears as a detective in this, and appears in many other Adamson
films, was her father), who says she flew in from France because she
is a psychic and some kind of telepathic force has sent her here. It
seems Joe Corey has a father, Dr. Elton Corey (Kent Taylor; Adamson's GIRLS
FOR RENT - 1974; his last film), who is a master of voodoo
and created Akro to get rid of all those responsible for his son's
death. Susan is his next intended "victim" and she gets a
message to meet Dr. Corey, so she phones the police department and
tells Sgt. Pete Grimaldi (Arne Warde; Adamson's ANGELS'
WILD WOMEN - 1972) where she is going to be. Dr. Corey
kidnaps Susan and when Pete gets there, Akro kills him, even after
Pete empties his gun into him. Before he dies, Pete is able to write
a license plate number on the pavement using his own blood and Sgt.
Cross follows up on it. Dr. Corey plans on turning Susan into his
newest zombie ("Joe's last days were spent as a hunted mad
animal!") because he says that Akro is deteriorating and will
not last much longer. Dr. Corey has a serum to turn people into
zombies and an antidote to change them back to normal. We then go
back to the 1964 footage, where Joe Corey is in Lake Tahoe, but he
doesn't know "the entire police force from California to
Nevada" are looking for him (Well, that is true, if Lt. Ward and
Linda's ex-husband David can be considered the "entire police
force"). Linda and Nancy are taken hostage by Corey and his
partner, but Linda swears she knows nothing about stolen jewels. That
just leaves one other person: Nancy, who has stuffed all the jewels
in her doll (which, in a very unusual twist for 1964, is black). When
Corey tries to rape Linda, his partner intervenes, but Corey shoots
him in the heart. Linda and Nancy (with her doll) steal Corey's car
and drive away, so Corey carjacks a vehicle on the highway and begins
to follow them. Linda and Nancy are forced to hoof in in the snow
when the road is blocked, with Corey not far behind. Lt. Ward and
David show up where the cars are parked and try to catch up with
Corey and the couple. Just as Corey is about to kill Linda and Nancy
and steal the doll, Lt. Ward and David show up. Corey is about to
crush David's head with a rock when Lt. Ward shoots Corey in the face
and he falls down a ravine. Back in 1967, a detective breaks into Dr.
Corey's lab, but Akro kills him.
Dr.
Corey injects Susan with the zombie serum and she turns into a
horribly disfigured hag zombie with a fright wig. Akro, who knows he
is dying, crushes Dr. Corey to death, but while doing so, breaks the
vial containing to only available antidote (Akro is seen on the
ground licking the spilled liquid). When Sgt. Cross finally arrives,
everyone but Susan is dead, but now she looks normal (Huh?). The
incomprehensible finale shows blood dripping on Dr. Corey's photo,
while Sgt. Cross calls for backup. THE END. It's obvious
that Al Adamson used different film stock for every scene he added
over the years, but for a piecemeal film, it makes more sense than
others (The head-scratching finale excluded). You will also notice
the changes in clothing and hair styles from year-to-year (Roy Morton
sports a flattop haircut, which was popular among men in the early
60's and other women sport beehive hairdos). While there are plot
holes aplenty (name me an Adamson film that doesn't; the screenplay
for this stitched-togethered film was written by Dick Poston [THE
JESUS TRIP - 1971] and Chris Martino [the film's uncredited
Second Unit Director] from a story by Adamson and Sherman), there's
an air of sleaziness that permeates the film, something unusual for a
film of this vintage(s). Besides the head in the box. the secretary's
stabbing and Joe Corey getting shot in the face (all shot for the
theatrical version), the film is practically bloodless, but you'll
have fun spotting which footage was shot in each year (Cinematography
by Louis Horvath [STRANGE BEHAVIOR
- 1981; STRANGE INVADERS
- 1984] and late Academy Award® winner Vilmos Zsigmond [CLOSE
ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND - 1977]). I'm not saying that
this is a good film because it isn't, but its production history
should make it must-viewing for people to learn on how to never give
up. Sooner or later your work will be shown. Every version of this
film, except for the complete 1964 version, has been released on home
video, each one of them with a different plot. Stick with the final
version. It offers more blood than the other versions. I consider Al
Adamson to be a trash filmmaker, but he owned it and was proud to
keep churning them out until there was no longer a demand for them.
He made films in nearly every genre (biker, horror, science fiction,
Westerns, comedy, action, etc) and, while they are nothing
extraordinary, Al Adamson was. His career and murder would make a
great film in the vein of ED WOOD
(1994) and you really have to watch his CARNIVAL
MAGIC (1982), which is basically nothing but an E.T.
THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL (1982) rip-off, replacing an alien
with a talking chimp! Originally released on VHS by Super
Video, who specialized in releasing Sam Sherman's Independent
International's films and then on DVD by Troma Team Video in 2001
(the disc also contains the film's original theatrical and TV
trailers, along with more trailers of Adamson's films). There still
hasn't been a widescreen version released yet (the print on the Troma
disc seems to be shot dead center and not pan-and-scanned, as faces
are cut in half in many frames and it looks like they are talking to
no one), so never say never. Also starring Tanya Maree; John Armond,
Lyle Felice, John Talbert, Bob Dietz and J.P. Spohn (also an
Associate Producer) as the head in the box. The Troma DVD is long
OOP, but I managed to buy one at Oldies.com
for less than $5.00. Originally Rated GP and then PG.
THE
BLOODSTAINED LAWN (1973) -
Here's a weird one, an Italian genre film that contains science
fiction, mystery and detective elements in one totally strange stew,
full of nudity, voyeurism, surprises and...robots! Yes, this film is
off the wall, verging on insanity, yet you'll find yourself not
wanting to take your eyes off the screen, hoping to find out what all
this craziness is all about. I am happy to report that attentive
viewers will be richly rewarded, as the
finale will answer any questions you may have.
The film opens with a nameless UNESCO Agent (Nino Castelnuovo; PSYCHOUT
FOR MURDER - 1969) stealing a box of wine from a truck
delivering liquor to a local wine distillery, finding a blood-like
substance in one of the bottles. We don't know what he is hoping to
find, but he tells his boss that thousands of people disappear in
Italy every year without any of them leaving a trace. We then see
Alfiero (Claudio Biava; KILLERS
ARE CHALLENGED - 1966) picking up an assortment of people in
his car, including a drunk (popular Italian singer/musician Lucio
Dalla), a prostitute (Dominique Boschero; LIBIDO
- 1965), a Gypsy (Barbara Marzano; THE
BLOODSUCKER LEADS THE DANCE - 1975) and a couple of
drifters, Max (Georg Willing; WHO
SAW HER DIE? - 1972) and his nameless lover (Daniela Caroli)
and driving then to the palatial home of his sister Nina (Marina
Malfatti; ALL THE
COLORS OF THE DARK - 1972), who walks with a limp, and her
eccentric inventor husband, Dr. Antonio Genovese (Enzo Tarascio; THE
DEAD ARE ALIVE - 1972). We can see from the very beginning
that all these people are at this house for reasons that are deadly,
especially when Nina (whose mantra seems to be "Only money
brings happiness") starts questioning them, asking if they have
any family that will miss them and if anyone knows they are here.
There is also a weird robot-like structure in the middle of the
living room, which Nina wants them to ignore, but Antonio seems very
proud of. Antonio, who wears outrageously large bowties (a good gust
of wind could send him airborne!), is an inventor, hoping to create
the "perfect man" and his laboratory is full of strange
inventions, which seem to meld human body parts with mechanical
devices, forming one unit. It is clear that Antonio is off his
rocker, but is there more to him than meets the eye?
That night, all of them retire to their bedrooms, where Max and his
girlfriend smoke some hashish and get frisky with each other, when
the drunk enters their bedroom unannounced and says that everyone in
this house is strange (he isn't kidding!). Max goes to the hallway to
investigate and spots the Gypsy tied up in her bed, Alfiero telling
him it is for her own benefit, as she is an epileptic and doesn't
want her to harm herself (really?). The next morning, Nina and
Alfiero tell the guests (except for the Gypsy, who isn't there, Nina
telling them she left the night before) to go through a strange door,
shaped like a large vagina (!) and they go through it (I almost
busted a gut laughing!) and end up in a room full of distorted
mirrors. Music begins to play and everyone begins dancing. Max, his
girlfriend and the prostitute open a bottle of champagne and then
begin to strip naked, while Nina Alfiero watch and Antonio fondles
the prostitute's naked body. It's obvious that the champagne was
drugged, because Max, his girlfriend and the prostitute pass out. Max
and his lover wake up to a scream and discover that the Drunk is now
missing. Max's squeeze notices that the robot-like structure was
missing from the living room the night before, but now it is back,
blood on one of its metal claw-like arms. Max and his
girlfriend want to leave the house, but all the doors and windows are
locked, so they go down the spiral metal staircase to the basement to
look for another way out. Max discovers plenty of empty wine bottles
and discovers one of the bottles has the red blood-like substance,
sniffing it and telling his girlfriend it is an "organic
substance". They search the basement and find a closet full of
canned tomatoes and discover Alfiero closing boxes of wine rather
than opening them. Thinking something sinister is going on, they try
to escape and find a walk-in freezer full of dead naked bodies,
including that of the Gypsy and the Drunk. Alfiero enters the freezer
carrying an assault rifle and escorts the couple out of the basement.
Meanwhile, the UNESCO Agent gets closer to discovering the truth,
questioning a wine truck driver who gives him an important clue about
Dr. Antonio Genovese.
While Max and his girlfriend watch, we then see the prostitute tied
naked to a table, while Antonio examines her, saying to Nina and
Alfiero, "Group 'A' is the most common, but the girl is a 'B'.
Very rare!" The prostitute thinks it's going to be a gangbang,
but she has a surprise coming. A deadly surprise. The giant
robot-like structure enters the room under Antonio's control, its
tentacle-like arm impaling the prostitute's neck and begins draining
her of all her blood, which is collected in a glass jar, killing her
slowly. The prostitute looks to Max and his girlfriend for help, but
they can do nothing, as they watch her skin turn to ashen gray and
the table then opens up and lowers her body into the basement
freezer, another victim of the trio's deadly business. But what is it?
Max, who for some unknown reason begins talking in English (!),
screams out to Nina, Alfiero and Antonio, "You're crazy!
Crazy!" Nina then says that the "wine" will leave on
their yacht as planned, the destinations being the Orient, Vietnam,
Bolivia and "Wherever there are wars and injured people. Blood
is worth a lot. More than oil or gold. And it's needed to save the
lives of those who can afford it." That's right, Nina collects
"worthless people"; prostitutes, drunks, gypsies and
drifters and has Antonio drain them of their blood using his unique
invention, selling their blood to the highest bidders (I think this
is the first time I ever heard of this. Human organs, yes, but
blood???). Max then screams out, "Fuckin' Fascists!" and is
knocked out.
Max's girlfriend is the next to be drained of blood, but the UNESCO
Agent rings the doorbell and shoots and kills Alfiero. Nina tells
Antonio that she should have killed him, when the robot kills her
seemingly on its own, without Antonio's help. Maybe he actually did
merge man and machine after all, but he'll never be able to enjoy it
in prison, as he tells the Agent, "Mortality is a myth of the
past!" The film ends with Max and his
girlfriend hitchhiking down a highway. Have they learned nothing?
They don't get much stranger than this folks (the Drunk tries to
drink his booze through his eye!). If you are wondering the meaning
of the film's title, it comes early in the film when Max and his
squeeze are hitchhiking. His girlfriend notices a field of beautiful
red flowers and Max turns to her and says, "It looks like a
bloodstained lawn." This film is full of symbolism, especially
Antonio's laboratory, where we see all his strange inventions, most
of them dealing with the merging of human appendages with mechanical
devices. I really don't know what was on director/screenwriter
Riccardo Ghione's mind, but I'm sure it's a political statement about
how those with money feel they are superior to those without it or
how the aristocracy is more important than the common people, using
them to feed their own corrupt souls. It should come as no surprise
that none of the captives, besides Max, are given proper names, as
they represent the "common people' (although we do learn later
in the film that the Gypsy's name was "Venamina"). Ghione
(who passed away in 2003) only directed four features, the others
being sex comedies or romantic dramas, none of them even coming close
to this film's weirdness. And, boy, is this film weird! From the
vagina door to the bedrooms with windows in the doors, you will not
see a stranger house in film history. Every room tells a story, some
overt and some deeply hidden. Couple that with the weird robot on
view and you have a film that is recommended to those with an open
mind. Chock full of full frontal male and female nudity, with a
smattering of bloody violence, this film is bound to please those who
want something strange and perverse to watch for a night. The only
other film of note Ghione was involved with is the obscure BELLE
DA MORIRE ("Too Beautiful To Live" - 1992), a
softcore sex/giallo flick, in which he was one of the screenwriters.
Shot as IL PRATO MACCHIATO
DI ROSSO ("The Lawn Is Stained With Red"), this
film never received a theatrical release or home video release in any
format in the United States. It also has never been dubbed into
English. I saw a nice widescreen print in its original Italian with
English subtitles on YouTube (I'm still trying to figure out why Max
switches from talking Italian to English!), the only place I could
find to view it. I seriously doubt this will ever get a legitimate
release in the U.S., mainly because it is so obscure and outright
weird for weirdness sake. While I enjoyed it immensely, some others
may think it to be a tough slog to get through. If your mind is in
the right place, you may enjoy it, too. The Italian
ad mats that were use to advertise this film "borrowed"
the artwork from Ted V. Mikel's THE
ASTRO ZOMBIES (1968)! Not Rated.
BLOODSTREAM
(1985) - This shot-on-super 8mm horror flick comes courtesy of
director Michael J. Murphy, Britain's answer to Ted V. Mikels. Murphy
has directed dozens of films, including the 47 minute infamous video
nasty INVITATION TO HELL
(1982) and it's 50 minute VHS partner THE
LAST NIGHT (1983), followed by such titles as THE
HEREAFTER (1983), DEATH RUN
(1987), MOONCHILD (1989); SKARE
(2009) and others so obscure, they don't even have an IMDB
listing. There's a good reason for that. Many people find Murphy's
films so sloppy and slow-moving (not to mention cheap) that they
could tax the patience of a dead man. While I somewhat tend to agree
with that assessment, Murphy does show a spot of intelligence and
downright meanness every now and then. BLOODSTREAM opens
interestingly enough, with a screaming man jumping out of his car and
running through the woods while the flesh peels away from his body,
eventually turning him into a bloody skeleton. It is then revealed
that it's a VHS tape being watched at the office of B-movie czar
William King (Mark Wells) and he's not happy with the results. He
rips up the tape and fires the film's director, Alistair (Patrick
Olliver), telling him he will never work in the film business again,
before having him thrown out of the office by King's yes-man (and
brother-in-law) Simon (Steven Longhurst). In reality, King (whose
office walls are plastered with posters of his reel-life films, with
titles such as SUCKED TO DEATH and AWAKEN ZOMBIE)
really likes Alistair's film, but he
is such a greedy bastard that he wants to keep the film's eventual
profits all to himself. A dejected Alistair goes home and watches a
series of horror films (possibly his own?) on TV where people are
torn apart by zombies, axed in the head by a masked serial killer or
have their head crushed by a mummy. While King is making a fortune
selling rights to Alistair's film BLOODSTREAM around the
world, Alistair snaps when he is informed by King's guilt-ridden
secretary Nikki (Jacqueline Logan) as to what King is up to. With
Nikki's help on the inside, Alistair begins his revenge spree, using
the killings in the horror films he watches as a blueprint for his
real-life murders. Dressed as the Grim Reaper, Alistair films his
murders, beginning with actor Greg (David Slater), who has a barbell
dropped on his neck (after dropping a 20 pound weight on his balls!).
King's daughter Lisa (Samantha Page) is next, electrocuted in her
bathtub and then stabbed with a sword. Simon is next in line, shot
with a pistol and getting his hand and head cut off with an electric
chainsaw (In a tasteless sequence, Simon's dog is tied to a tree,
doused with gasoline and set on fire.). King's wife, Sally (Wendy
Young), then has her throat cut with an electric knife. King's
mistress, Judy (Catherine Rowlands), is tied to a chair and stabbed
in the mouth with a butcher knife. King is then forced to watch
Alistair's newest film, containing all the bloody deaths of his
friends and family, before having his brains blown out with a pistol
and making it look like a suicide. When Alistair finds out Nikki was
only in it for the money, he kills her, too (by strangling her with a
reel of film) and ends up in the insane asylum. Hooray for the
British justice system! Since this is a super 8mm production,
expect all the usual problems, including garbled sound recording (all
the dialogue is recorded live with no post-production looping),
chainsaw editing (sequences jump from one scene to the next, with
visible splice marks and jumps in sound) and plenty of bad acting.
Director Murphy and screenwriter Carl Humphries (who also wrote
Murphy's INVITATION TO HELL) spend way too much time on the
buildup (Alistair spends 75% of his screen time watching horrible
horror films on his TV; films so cheap-looking, Andy Milligan would
have probably turned them off) and not enough time on the payoff.
While there is plenty of bloody violence, both within the film clips
Alistair watches and the murders he performs, none of it is very well
done or believable. There's not much to recommend here (although
Murphy has a way displaying the nastier edges of people) unless you
are a fan of ultra-cheap horror flicks where nearly every aspect of
the production is lower-rung, both financially and professionally.
Also starring Nanda Adkin, Lindsey Allen, Marina Bolton, Michael Clay
and Dennis Daniels. Never legitimately available on home video in the
United States (or, apparently, anywhere else); the print I viewed was
sourced from an obscure bootleg British VHS tape. Sarcophilous Films,
who have a distribution deal with Michael J. Murphy, say they are
going to release a 25th Anniversary Special Edition DVD of this film
sometime in mid-2010. They also have (available now) a double feature
DVD of INVITATION TO HELL/THE LAST NIGHT,
as well as a DVD of SKARE, which
has quite a history of problems (The negative was lost by a package
delivery service, forcing Murphy to reshoot the entire film from
scratch!). Not Rated. Update: Sarcophilous Films ceased
operations and is out of business. The DVDs they released are
considered rare and, therefore, command big bucks in collectors circles.
BLOODY
PARROT (1981) - Another weird
Hong Kong film from executive producer Run Run Shaw and his infamous
Shaw Brothers production company that mixes martial arts,
supernatural possession, spell casting, vampires and, of course, the
Bloody Parrot of the title. Fans of the cult action/fantasy INFRA-MAN
(1975) will be doubly delighted here, as director Hua Shan returns
with another film that moves as quickly as a tornado being pushed by
a hurricane and assaults the viewers' eyes with his hyper-kinetic,
trance-inducing visual style. The film opens with this on-screen
scrawl: "Of the world
of spirits, in order to celebrate the birthday of the Demon King,
they use their blood and change it to a Bloody Parrot. If you have
the luck to meet it, it'll offer you three wishes to fulfill whatever
you want." (It sounds like the old "rubbing the lamp and
magic genie" story, only with blood mixed into the equation.).
When thirteen caskets of treasures to the King of Dian, used to pay
tribute to the Imperial Court, are stolen, the Prince sends Chief Guo
Fan (Kuan Feng) to investigate. The Chief and his men are attacked by
an invisible enemy and the Chief sets his eyes upon the Bloody Parrot
(the sky turns blood red), who tells him he now has three wishes and
as long as he lives, the wishes will come true. As we have learned
from other wishing stories and films, you better be careful what you
wish for. Being the good policeman that he is, the Chief's first wish
is to find the thirteen caskets of treasure and, poof!, the treasures
are returned to the Prince, but Chief Guo Fan, also the Prince's son,
dies after falling off his horse when returning to the Dian home. The
distraught Prince begs the Bloody Parrot to bring his son back to
life and almost gets his wish, except his sister, the Princess, goes
bonkers, stabs the Prince in the back with a sword and the commits
suicide with the same sword. Their father, the King, dies of a heart
attack a few seconds later. (Remember this scene. It is an important
clue.). The thirteen caskets of treasure once again disappears, which
causes a bloody upheaval in the Dian Dynasty, as all the martial
artists across the land fight each other to the death looking to meet
the Bloody Parrot and get their hands on the treasure. Enter
Constable Yeh Ting Feng (Jason Pai Piao; BLOODY
SORCERY - 1986), who is searching for Chief Guo Fan's
brother, Guo Kan, the only surviving member of the Dian family who
may know where the lost treasure is located. He meets Guo Kan for a
few moments when he pops-up out of a casket at the now-deserted Dian
house and tells Yeh Ting that the red streak he just saw dart across
the sky means that the Bloody Parrot will soon visit. Guo Kan then
suddenly drops dead and Yeh Ting has an autopsy performed on him
(it's disgusting as hell and leaves very little to the imagination),
only to find he was killed by a poison needle and that he has a huge
pearl, part of the lost treasure, embedded in one of his legs. Yeh
Ting joins forces with friend (and local lawman) Tieh Han (Tony Liu
Yung; HUMAN LANTERNS -
1982) to find Guo Kan's killer, but the Bloody Parrot kills Tieh Han
before they even begin to investigate. While at a bar mourning the
death of his friend (he's brought Tieh's coffin with him!), Yeh Ting
is attacked by three troublemakers, but the Bloody Parrot makes
another quick appearance, killing the three goons (and a real parrot
perched at the bar!) with it's supposed supernatural powers and
leaving a few more pieces of the lost treasure, including a Bloody
Rock, for Yeh Ting to find. The bartender gives Yeh Ting a clue,
which leads him to the aptly titled Parrot Brothel, with Tieh's
coffin in tow. Everyone at the brothel thinks Yeh Ting is a nutcase
(Who travels with a coffin?), but prostitute Xue Nu (Jenny Liang
Chen-Ni; LOST SOULS
- 1980) welcomes him and the coffin into her strangely decorated
bedroom (someone is watching them through the cut-out eyes of a Demon
King mural painted on one of her walls). Yeh Ting learns from Xue
Nu (who hands him a whip and practically begs him to use it on her!
)
that there is more to the Bloody Parrot legend than meets the eye.
Xue Nu then grabs the Bloody Rock and swallows it! She becomes
possessed by the Demon King (she begins licking her own naked breasts
like they were made of candy!), shoves a huge pearl up her vagina and
begins attacking Yeh Ting, until he hits her so hard that the pearl
falls out of her twat! Folks, I've barely touched upon the insanity
on view here (everything I have described happens within the first
thirty minutes!), as Yeh Ting will encounter a hunchback servant, a
vengeful witch named Madame Li (Mei-Mei Wong), a fighter with an
extremely long sword and Constable Chang Xiao, The Deadly Sword, who
may be a better martial artist than Yeh Ting. He will also have to
deal with his friend Tieh rising from his coffin and turning into a
vampire (he bites a priest on the hand, forcing the priest to cut off
his own arm with a sword!). This all leads to a finale that proves
that the Bloody Parrot was nothing but a royal scam, a way for the
Prince and Princess (who faked their deaths with a trick sword) to
keep the treasure all to themselves. But Yeh Ting still has one or
two tricks up his sleeve to defeat this nasty duo. I've barely
scratched the surface of this amazing film, which is parts martial
arts actioner, supernatural horror and murder mystery (with a
definite giallo vibe). Director Hua Shan (INFRA-MAN
- 1975; KUNG-FU ZOMBIE -
1981) and screenwriter I Kuang, who has written the scripts to some
of the most enjoyably over-the-top Hong Kong horror, fantasy and
action films (BLACK MAGIC
- 1975; THE SEXY KILLER
- 1976; BLACK MAGIC II
- 1976; MIGHTY PEKING MAN
- 1977), throw everything imaginable at the screen, including bloody
deaths (lots of flying body parts, spurting blood and gory
impalements), magic spells (one spell forces Chang Xiao's men to turn
on each other, which leads to one nasty "sword implanted in a
face" scene), dead animals (including a strangled cat and a
hanging monkey missing it's brains), cannibalism and maggot eating,
zombie attacks, snake attacks, an underground lair full of mirrors (a
homage to ENTER THE DRAGON
[1973]), plenty of well-staged (and gory) martial arts fights, some
welcomed full-frontal female nudity and even a mask made out of the
skin of a human face (which is tossed around like a Frisbee!). Hua
Shan's direction is frenetic, but never distracting and the set
designs, photography (lots of red and green gel lighting) and art
direction are all top notch. If you are a fan of Hong Kong weirdness, BLOODY
PARROT will make you about as happy as a drug addict getting
his next fix, but without the withdrawal symptoms a few hours later.
Also starring Yeung Ching-Ching, Chan Shen, Chow Kin Ping and Meng
Chun Hsia. A Celestial Pictures
DVD Release. Not Rated.
BLOODY
SORCERY (1986) - I don't
pretend to be an expert on Hong Kong horror films, but when films
throw demonic possession, worm-puking and battling wizards in your
direction, you tend to take notice and enjoy these films
for what they are: A ninety minute acid trip to another culture,
where half-naked native tribes, erectile disfunction and magic spells
are as common as a cheeseburger on a diner menu. BLOODY SORCERY
(original title: XIONG ZHOU) is that kind of film. It opens
with two explorers, Sau Au Yeung (Alan Chan Kwok-Gwong) and Li Ping
(Han Ying-Chieh), being chased through the jungles of Burma by an
angry tribe of natives because they have stolen a magic jade statue.
As the tribe gets closer, Li Ping loses his life to a deadly booby
trap (involving a cobra and a rope snare) and Sau Au Yeung (who was
shot in the leg with an arrow earlier in the chase) begs the statue
for protection. The jade statue begins glowing and suddenly makes Sau
Au Yeung invisible to the tribe. Sau Au Yeung makes it back to Hong
Kong safely, but must spend the rest of his years in a wheelchair.
Back in Hong Kong, Mak Long (Jason Pai Piao; BLOODY
PARROT - 1981) begins to experience a string of very bad
luck and it looks as if black magic is the cause of it. First, his
horny wife leaves him when he fails to get an erection while they are
making love (They make pills for that now, honey!). Then, his leg
starts bleeding for seemingly no reason while he is doing research in
a library, drawing the attention of Dr. Au Yeung (Kwan Hoi-San), the
son of Sau Au Yeung, who offers to help, but Mak Long runs away
(leaving a rather large puddle of blood in his wake). Next, while
having dinner in a restaurant, his plate of noodles turns into a pile
of worms, which he unknowingly ingests in front of shocked customers
while his leg still hemorrhages blood (One customer yells at him,
"You bleed too much!"). While Dr. Au Yeung is driving home,
he spots Mak Long passed-out on the side of the road, so he brings
him to the hospital, where he patches up his leg wound, but thinks
the injury is something he has seen before. Nurse Suk Fan (Jo Jo Ngan
Lai-Yue) believes Mak Long was shot and wants to report him to the
police, but when his x-rays come back and show no signs of a leg
wound at all, Dr. Au Yeung decides that the police aren't the answer
and launches his own investigation. When Mak Long wakes up in the
hospital (just after his room fills up with blood, worms fall out of
his leg wound and then everything disappears in a flash of white
light), he tells Dr. Au Yeung and Suk Fan the whole sordid story.
Flashbacks reveal that Mak Long was a reporter in Vietnam during the
war, where he photographed and documented all types of atrocities
with his camera. While on leave in Thailand, he meets a Burmese bar
girl named Lina (Fung Git-Ling) and they fall in love, unaware that
Lina's father is a powerful wizard. When Mak Long promises to come
back from Vietnam to marry Lina and then breaks that promise (Turns
out that Mak Long is a womanizer and already has a wife in Hong
Kong), Lina's father puts a magic curse on him, which turns his life
to shit. I know what you're thinking: "Wait a minute!
What does this have to do with the jade statue and Dr. Au Yeung's
father?" Well, it turns out that the wheelchair-bound Sau Au
Yeung and Mak Long have one important thing in common: The leader of
the angry native tribe and Lina's father are one and the same! Can
Dr. Au Yeung save his father and Mak Long from the vengeful wizard's
wrath, which includes vampire demons, even more disgusting worms and
lots of supernatural mumbo jumbo (not to mention matching gaping leg
wounds)? I'm afraid you'll have to watch the film to find out. This
lunatic horror flick, directed and written by Do Gong-Yue (DEVIL
SORCERY - 1988; LADIES KILLER
- 1992), is full of the type of bloody nonsense we've come to expect
from Hong Kong horror films. There's plenty of shots of bloody leg
wounds oozing worms; showers of blood (including a bathtub, sink and
toilet that magically flow with the red stuff), lots of magic rituals
that include human sacrifices, battling magicians and burning
incense; and tons of cheap optical effects and in-camera tricks.
Other craziness also on view includes badly translated (and
hilarious) hard-coded English subtitles ("Brother, why do you
say that, we're friend?"); some graphic Vietnam War stock
footage; and lots of "What the fuck?!?" moments, such
as when Sau Au Yeung takes a supernaturally-assisted wheelchair ride
down a road and passes his son (who is driving the opposite way),
who, rather that trying to catch-up with his father, stops the car,
picks-up his father's hat off the side of the road and tosses it into
the car! Say what you want about these Hong Kong horror films; they
may make very little sense (especially to our Western sensibilities),
but they are entertaining as hell. BLOODY SORCERY (also known
as BLOOD SORCERY and THE
CURSE) is no exception. Also starring Ku Feng as the pissed-off
wizard. As far as I can tell, this was only released on VHS and VCD
by Ocean Shores Video and is not available on DVD. Not Rated.
BLOODY
WEDNESDAY (1985) - Harry
(Raymond Elmendorf) is having a nervous breakdown. He loses
his job as a mechanic when he forgets how to put a car engine back
together. He shows up at a church service in the nude. He is put into
a mental institution but is soon released because he is not
considered a threat to society. Harry's brother, Ben (Navarre Perry),
sets him up with a new apartment in a deserted hotel and soon strange
things, both real and imagined, begin to happen. Harry spots three
thugs destroying an adjacent apartment and has them arrested, the
thugs vowing revenge. Harry has a teddy bear that he imagines can
talk. Before long, Harry's mind is playing so many tricks on him (his
bedsheet turns into a snake; the deserted hotel suddenly has a
bellhop and suicidal occupants) that no one believes him when the
three thugs come back to get even. He manages to get away but is
blamed for the damages. The FBI shows up at his door and accuse him
of firing a rifle out his window at a passing plane. They find no
rifle, only a broomstick. When the three thugs return again, Harry
pulls a revolver from inside his teddy and plays an impromtu game of
Russian roulette, scaring the shit (literally!) out of the hoodlums
and then lets them go free. Harry has just made three new friends who
are later instrumental in helping him obtain a machine gun. Harry
falls in love with his psychiatrist (Pamela Baker), but she just
wants to help him, trying to convince Harry to voluntarily commit
himself. He refuses. Harry's wife (Teresa Mae Allen), whom he has
seperated from, stops by to make his life hell. Many more things
happen (some so surreal you'll have to watch it twice) to Harry until
his mind completely snaps, causing him to grab the machine gun and
slaughter dozens of patrons at a nearby diner. This is Bloody
Wednesday. This is pretty strong material as an indictment against
the mental health industry and outdated laws. Harry is an outcast in
the outside world and since he hadn't committed any serious crimes
until the finale, he couldn't be committed without his consent.
Raymond Elmendorf is spellbinding as Harry, as we view his slow
mental deteriorization resulting in the bloody and shocking final act
of a confused man. This is not kid's stuff. Writer and producer
Philip Yordan also scripted the strange horror film CATACLYSM
(1980 - a.k.a. SATAN'S
SUPPER
and THE
NIGHTMARE NEVER ENDS),
DEATH
WISH CLUB
(1983) and many others dating as far back as the early 50's. This was
director/producer Mark G. Gilhuis' only film credit, which is a
shame, as he does a very good job here. BLOODY
WEDNESDAY
should be on your must-see list. A Prism
Entertainment Release. Also available in a horrendous EP-mode
transfer from Simitar Entertainment.
Unrated.
NOTE: I actually had some guy
berate me by email for reviewing this film because he seems to think
it sullies the memory of the people who died in the infamous
slaughter at a McDonalds in California in the early 80's by a
mentally disturbed man. Yordan may have based his screenplay on this
incident but, seriously, lighten up! It's just a movie.
BRUKA,
QUEEN OF EVIL (1974) - Yes,
this is the seldom-seen and long-rumored not to exist sequel to the Philippines/Hong
Kong co-production DEVIL WOMAN
(1973). This film picks up directly where the first one ended: after
showing a quick succession of re-edited scenes from the first film,
Manda (Rosemarie Gil), the snake-haired woman, falls off a cliff
after torch-carrying villagers burn down her
home (actually, she fell off the cliff while doing battle with the
film's hero, but let's not split hairs). Manda wakes up in a cave
occupied by her grandmother, Bruka (Played by Etang Ditched, who, in
the English subtitles, is referred to as "Carol Pak". The
name "Bruka" is not mentioned once.), who has the head (and
big fright hair) of an old woman and the body of a giant snake (a
real sight to behold as she slithers around the cave with her dwarf
assistants in tow!). Grandma gives Manda a black stone and tells her
that when she puts it in her mouth, her snake hair will disappear and
she will look normal and when she takes it out of her mouth the
snakes will once again appear (Why would anyone create such a stone?
The mind boggles!). Manda puts the stone in her mouth and, sure
enough, her serpent-filled head turns into a beautiful black mane of
hair. She is so grateful that she hugs her grandmother's huge snake
body. Manda looks upon this new development as a way to get revenge
on those who killed her parents (you really should watch DEVIL WOMAN,
or at least read my review,
before viewing this film to truly understand Manda's motivations) and
Grandma gives her an army of dwarves, snakes, rock creatures, walking
trees (!) and other strange monsters to protect her as she goes on
her killing spree. At first Manda is just happy to appear in public
without a scarf on her head (she prances around the forest is
slow-motion, twirling around while her hair dances in the wind), but
soon she starts getting even with the villagers. One unlucky gent
(Filipino regular Charlie Davao) is bitten in the face and
constricted to death by a horde of snakes. A horny young man with a
guitar puts the moves on Manda, but she removes the black stone from
her mouth and the young man is bitten to death by her head-full of
snakes. Meanwhile, a gang of ruffians charge into a restaurant and
beat-up the waiters ("Bring us wine!") and put their hands
all over the female staff (at one point, the bald-headed leader of
the gang makes the obviously gay manager kiss one of the girls, but
gets a surprise when the manager plants a wet one on the top of his
bald head!), which visibly upsets bouncer Hon Ping (Alex Lung), who
ends up taking-on the gang single-handedly and beating them all to a
pulp with his kung-fu expertise (and he gets fired from his job by
the restaurant's owner because his fighting has chased away all the
customers!). Upset that he has lost his job, because he has a young
sister and sickly mother depending on him (When he gives his sister
two dollars, she looks at her ill mother and says, "I'll cook
for you tomorrow!" Why not cook for her today?), Hon Ping
accepts a job from sleazy, cigar-chomping rich man Mr. Tong (after
beating all of Mr. Tong's thugs in a long martial arts fight), who
offers him fifty thousand dollars to rescue is daughter Louisa
(Sandra de Veyra), who has disappeared in the forest on her way to
her aunt's house (all the other men who were sent to find her were
killed by a "ghost" in the forest). Manda continues her
killing spree, picking up a guy at a disco (when she leaves the
disco, one guy's plate of noodles turns into snakes and everyone
leaves the place screaming, "Snakes...let's run away!") and
killing him with the old black stone trick. When it is revealed that
Manda kidnapped Louisa so she could be sacrificed in a full moon
ceremony by Bruka (turns out Louisa is a virgin), it is up to Hon
Ping to use his kung-fu skills (and a newly acquired weapon that must
be seen to be believed) to battle Manda and Bruka's seemingly
never-ending supernatural assault. Like the later Bruce Lee film GAME
OF DEATH (1979), Hon Ping must fight
a succession of more deadly opponents (including a boar-man who can
punch so hard, he can leave holes in trees!) until he finally
faces-off with Manda and Bruka and rescues Louisa and a group of
female virgins. This crazy mix of martial arts (with plenty of
wire work) and horror genres, directed by Albert Yu (who co-directed
the first film) and produced by Jimmy L. Pascual (director of the
martial arts flick FISTS
OF THE DOUBLE K - 1973; although no screenwriter is listed,
there is a "Dialogue By" credit attributed to Yuen Shiao
Po), is full of "What The Fuck?!?" moments, including Hon
Ping helping a monk (played by Filipino staple Ramon D'Salva) and his
hunchbacked apprentice (this guy's hunch is huge!) bury the
population of an entire village killed by snake bites (the monk and
the hunchback are soon murdered by Manda and three dwarves); Hon Ping
fighting an army of little people, tossing them into the air like rag
dolls; Hon Ping's battle with the rock creatures (Hon Ping winces
every time he hits or kicks them until he gets the smart idea of
hitting them with boulders!); the sacrifice of a topless female
virgin during a full moon ceremony, where the poor girl is crushed to
death by the rock creatures' repeated blows and is then devoured by
Bruka's minions until only her bloody breasts are left (!); and so
much more (including a mysterious hermit in the forest who gives Hon
Ping the tools to defeat the evil, but not before making Hon Ping
suffer a couple of days before doing so). If you are lucky enough to
score a copy (a special "Thank You" to Andrew
Leavold for supplying my copy), you are gonna be in for one
helluva good, weird time (I didn't even mention the bat-man, who
wears one of the cheesiest bat suits that I ever recall seeing. It
makes the one in TWILIGHT PEOPLE
[1972] look like a Rick Baker creation!). I don't believe BRUKA,
QUEEN OF EVIL has ever had a legitimate home video release
in any country (Andrew believes the copy he sent me was telecined
from a rare English-subtitled Hong Kong 35mm film master and it looks
damned good, except for some damage at reel changes), but it did play
in U.S. theaters during the mid-70's to the early-80's (Those prints
were English dubbed, not English subtitled. It would be interesting
to find an English dubbed print of the film, just to spot the changes
in names.). I consider it a miracle just to see this film at all. It
was everything I hoped it would be and therefore gets my highest
recommendation. Also starring Yukio Someno, Anthony Lee, Michael
Kwan, Connie Angeles, Darius Razon, Tintoy, Roldan Rodrigo, Alfonso
Carvajal and Eddie Nicart (the director of the perversely
entertaining Weng-Weng actioner FOR
Y'UR HEIGHT ONLY - 1981). Rated R.
BUBBA
HO-TEP (2002) - God bless Don
Coscarelli's heart. He has made one of the most heartfelt
homage/horror movies to come down the pike in quite a while. While
you do have to wipe your mind blank and accept what follows in this
film, you will be glad you did. An aging Elvis Presley (the always
terrific Bruce Campbell), who has a cancerous growth on his penis,
and a black man who claims to be President
John F. Kennedy (the tremendous Ossie Davis), who claims that the
C.I.A is keeping his brain alive by batteries in Washington
D.C., must fight an ancient mummy who sucks the souls out of
the assholes of the elderly people they live with at a home for the
aged. This may sound ridiculous, but Campbell and Davis pull it off
with such aplomb, that I almost forgot that we were dealing with a
horror film here. Campbell's Elvis is a creature of regret, who
misses his Priscilla and daughter Lisa Marie (neither who gave their
blessing to this film, but if they actually watched it, might have
changed their minds) who comes alive when he and Davis must come up
with a way to stop the killings in their home. The nurses and doctors
(one played by Coscarelli regular Reggie Bannister) believe the
deaths to be natural, but Elvis (who has some sort of psychic
connection to the mummy) and Kennedy (who Elvis saves before his soul
could be sucked out of his ass) know different. Filled with good
humor and actual pathos, BUBBA HO-TEP
should be congratulated on making a horror film with actual soul (no
pun intended) and not the usual stalk-and-slash kill-a-thon that
young people seem to love. The Elvis back-story is a hoot (I'm not
giving it away here) and could have actually happened. The only
drawback to this film is that there is no actual Elvis songs on the
soundtrack as either it was too expensive or his estate refused to
license them to the production. But just sit back and enjoy Campbell
and Davis' performances. I doubt you see anything like this again and
it wouldn't be a Coscarelli film without some flying lethal object:
Here it is a giant scarab beetle which precedes every mummy attack.
This is Coscarelli's first film since 1998's PHANTASM
IV: OBLIVION. Let's hope he doesn't wait another 5 years
until his next film (It would actually be ten years, with JOHN
DIES AT THE END - 2012). Will someone please give him a big
budget and creative control and see what he can make? I know it will
be a winner. Also starring Ella Joyce, Harrison Young and Bob Ivy as
the Cowboy boot and hat-wearing mummy (yeah, you read it right!). TCB
baby! An MGM DVD Release. Rated R.
BURIAL
GROUND (1980) - Here's an
Italian zombie/gore film I love for all the wrong reasons. The film
begins with Professor Ayres (Renato Barbieri) discovering an ancient
Etruscan burial ground amongst the ruins of a dilapidated country
estate. Somehow he reanimates the decaying corpses of the Etruscans
(it is never explained how he does it), who chow down on him
("No! Don't! I am your friend!"). We are then introduced to
the sex-starved people who are spending the weekend at the country
estate: Professional photographer Mark (Gian Luigi Chirizzi; TERROR
EXPRESS - 1979) and model/lover Janet (Karin Well; SKIN'EM
ALIVE - 1978), who has bad feelings about spending time
at the estate (Mark should have listened to her rather than telling
her that it is all in her head). Also at the estate are George
(Roberto Caporali), his new wife Evelyn (Mariangela Giordano; PATRICK
STILL LIVES - 1980) and her creepy-looking, bugeyed son
Michael (Peter Bark), who has the hots for Mom. He will do whatever
it takes to stop George from making love to her and is the sole
reason why this film is special to me.
It doesn't take long for the zombies to attack. As the zombies chase
Janet and Mark through the estate's grounds (Janet: "What is
it?" Mark: "Whatever it is, it's not human. It's a walking
corpse!" How could it be not human and be a corpse? Don't think
too hard because this film is full of absurd dialogue.), Janet steps
on a bear trap (!), while necking couple James (Simone Mattioli; THE
OTHER HELL - 1980) and Leslie (Antonella Antinori) come
running to her and Mark's rescue, caving-in the skulls of two zombies
by bashing their heads with rocks. George is the first to die, as
zombies tear him apart and eat his innards, while Evelyn and Michael
escape. Pretty soon, all the survivors are trapped in the house,
while dozens of zombies chop away at the front door with axes (these
are not your normal, mindless zombies).
"They can only be killed if we blow their heads off!" says
James, as he uses the zombies for target practice, blowing their
heads off with a shotgun while standing on a second floor terrace. A
short time later he runs out of shotgun shells, so everyone will have
to find another way to kill them (Earlier in the film, Evelyn and
Michael set two zombies on fire, but it would be stupid to do the
same thing inside the house). Leslie is the next to die when a zombie
pulls her through a broken window, the broken glass cutting her face
into bloody pieces (The zombie that kills her suddenly drops dead!
But why? Like I said earlier, don't ask too many questions!). Leslie
becomes a zombie and puts the bite on Michael (who just put the
sexual moves on Mom, in the film's most hilarious/unsettling moment).
Evelyn discovers Leslie chewing on Michael's torn-off arm and she
bashes Leslie's head in on the side of a bath tub. This won't be the
last time that Evelyn has to deal with Michael, though. The zombies
break through the front door and invade the house, so Mark and James
pick up two swords and make mincemeat out of several zombie heads
with well-placed blows. Professor Ayres (Remember him?) is now a
zombie and kills butler Nicholas (Claudio Zucchet; YETI:
GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY - 1977), chewing on his flesh like
it is some fancy filet mignon dinner.
Mark, Janet, James and a near comatose Evelyn (she is grieving for
Michael) escape to an abandoned monastery, but it is not as abandoned
as they thought. James sees a group of robed monks in the monastery's
chapel, only these monks are now zombies who make James their latest
meal. The trio escape from the monastery and end up in some model
builder's workshop. They are greeted by a zombie on the second floor,
while the rest of the zombies try to get in through the front
door. Mark hits the zombie with a hefty piece of wood (but
keeps missing its head!) and eventually throws it over the stone
railing. Michael shows up as a zombie missing an arm and exposes
Evelyn's right breast (A delirious Evelyn says, "Yes, just like
when you were a baby!") and, in a scene that will not likely be
forgotten, Michael bites off her nipple! The film concludes with all
the zombies invading the workshop, as a zombified James grabs Mark's
arm and puts it in the path of a spinning blade of a table saw and
the zombies surround Janet. The film ends on this note, as an end
scrawl proclaims: "The Earth shall tremble....graves shall
open....they shall come among the living as messengers of death and
there shall be the night of terror...." -
Profecy of the Black Spider (Their spelling, not mine)
Like I said in the beginning of this review, this film is
entertaining for all the wrong reasons. The person who dubbed
Michael's voice is hilarious to the extreme and the dialogue that
comes out of his and everyone else's mouths are risible, such as when
Michael says, "Mother, this cloth smells of death!" (How in
the hell would a child know what death smells like?). Speaking of
Michael, actor Peter Bark (real name; Pietro Barzocchini) became a
minor celebrity thanks to this film, appearing at horror conventions
worldwide (an extra on this Blu-Ray is of an interview with Bark at
such a convention in 2013). The fact is that Bark is more
frightening-looking than any zombie in this film (he looks like a
miniature Dario Argento!) and his incestuous relationship with his
mother brings on more horror than director Andrea Bianchi (the
amazingly entertaining crime thriller CRY
OF A PROSTITUTE - 1974; the giallo STRIP
NUDE FOR YOUR KILLER - 1975) wanted to convey, but since
most of it is due to the atrocious dubbing, we can't blame him. The
zombies are appropriately creepy (lots of maggots and worms), but
static (very seldom do we see their mouths move). This film, also
known as BURIAL GROUND: THE
NIGHTS OF TERROR, was lensed at an historic Italian landmark
known as Villa Parisi (another extra on the Blu-Ray is a tour through
the location as it stands today). The location shoot is very
atmospheric, making it a character unto itself. The script, by Piero
Regnoli (CITY OF THE
WALKING DEAD - 1980), is full of zombie cliches (no matter
how fast our survivors are, the slow, shuffling zombies always manage
to catch up with them) and, if you think too hard about this film,
you will realize that it is a rather boring affair. Just keep your
brain in check and you will probably have a good time with it.
Originally released Unrated on VHS from Vestron
Video, with an Uncut widescreen version on DVD by Shriek show to
follow. Now available in a beautiful anamorphic widescreen print on
Blu-Ray from Severin Films,
who seem to be the go-to guys for gore-filled Italian Horror flicks
(see my reviews of DOCTOR
BUTCHER M.D. and EATEN
ALIVE!), filled with great extras (one of the extras on the
disc is deleted scenes, which add much more to the sudden appearance
of James and Leslie). This is the preferred method of watching this
film (I once saw it at a midnight showing in the mid-'80s, hosted by
Gore Gazette's Rick Sullivan). Unrated.
THE
BUTCHERS (2014) - This
unusually-plotted film begins with the opening credits playing over a
series of photos of notorious U.S. serial killers. We are then
flashed-back to the past, where we see a wife hiding from her abusive
husband Luther (Brian Oerly), who has just snapped the neck of a
neighbor who tried to intervene. She has an Order of Protection
against him (like a piece of paper ever stopped a violent person) and
Luther is drunk, to boot. Their young son Simon (Pappy Faulkner) is
watching it all unfold, when Luther finds his wife, punches her in
the face and keeps wailing on her. She starts laughing when she sees
her neighbor lying dead in the back yard ("Something funny,
cunt?") and Luther's bloodied wife tells him he will never see
Simon again because "They're coming for you!" Luther says,
"These pigs. They ain't ever going to get me! You ain't ever
going to see him again either!" He lifts his wife by her hair,
throws her on a chair and slits her throat woth a strait-razor, all
in front of Simon. Young Simon beats his father to death with a golf
club (I believe it's a nine iron). Twenty years pass and we see
returning war veteran Simon (Damien Puckler) riding a bus with his
best friend Brian (Cameron Bowen) and a whole bunch of different
people, along with a creepy bus driver (Dave Beacham) who adjusts
his mirror so he can get a good look at the two ditzy females sitting
in the front row, Nicole (Ire Wardlaw) and Candi (Charito Mertz). The
two girls give the bus driver their first names ("Mmmmm. I like
candy!"), but he refuses to tell him his real name, saying that
it is "Elmer J. Fudd". A religious couple, Bill (Braxton
Davis) and Daisy (Millie Sanders) ask punker Ren (Jeremy Thorsen) to
put out his cigarette, but it takes Simon getting out of his seat and
a stern warning from the bus driver to get him to put it out. Ren's
punker girlfriend, Star (Tonya Kay), is passed out on the back seat
of the bus. We then move away from the bus as we see a black
man (with a foreign accent) named JB (Semi Anthony) pull into what
looks like a ghost town, when "The Collector" says "You
are late!" The Collector has created a town attraction called
"DEATH FACTORY: SERIAL KILLER MUSEUM" where every building
in the ghost town is full of actual memorabilia of the U.S.'s six
worst serial killers (The film is known as DEATH
FACTORY in other countries). The Collector has also created
a brochure on Photoshop (!) where there is an empty space that says
"Unknown Killer". JB tells The Collector that he wants to
buy the entire town (he gives JB a tour and he seems especially
interested in the Ed Gein house), since everything in the town is
original and took The Collector years to collect. The Collector is
only looking for investors and turns JD's offer down. JB
counter-offers by plunging a knife into The Collector's heart,
killing him. JB begins drawing pentagrams on every house's floor and
in the middle he puts a vial of the actual serial killers' blood. JB
then performs a ritual using The Book Of The Dead to raise Albert
Fish (Rick Williams), John Wayne Gacy (Hawks Walk), Jeffrey Dahmer
(Marion Kopf), The black-hooded Zodiac Killer (John C. Epperson), Ed
Gein (Gary Kasper; also the Stunt Coordinator) and Jack The Ripper
(Mary LeGault; yes it will be explained) all back to life in this
special little town. Of course, the bus overheats, and all of the
passengers walk to the ghost town while the bus driver waits for
help, unaware that JB has some very bloody surprises waiting for
them. This is the way it works: If you kill a serial killer, you
absorb their power, so JB hopes to become that "Unknown
Killer" in the brochure and become the greatest serial killer in
U.S. history. Unfortunately, he has some unexpected competition in
Simon, who learned how to kill efficiently in the military. But Simon
doesn't want to become a serial killer, so which ever killer's powers
he absorbs, he will use them for good. The bus' other passengers,
which include Jen (Christy Keller; who Brian is crushing on) and her
jock boyfriend Kip (Jacob Hobbs), who ignores Jen and is more
interesting in working out, and old black lady Auntie May (Mara
Hall), get creeped out by the town and decide to walk back to the
bus, only to discover it is gone (Can you say
"set-up"?).They have no choice but to stay at the ghost
town for the night and wait until morning before they set out on
foot. Ren and Star break up from the group for a little hanky-panky,
where Ren finds The Book Of The Dead and reads a passage and suddenly
the whole town shakes. Looks like Ren has started things off a little
too early for JB's liking, as the entire town shakes like there is an
earthquake. All of the serial killers appear in their pentagrams, but
according to JB, they have come back as different people; meaner and
more murderous. JB beats the hell out of Albert Fish, Ed Gein kills
Star and the Zodiac Killer starts to drag Ren away carrying a sickle,
but Gein doesn't care about anyone "crashing my party" and
pulls out a chainsaw, but it is just a tease to the audience, as The
Zodiac just walks away dragging Ren. Fish gets into a fight with
Simon, who easily kills Fish and we see him "absorb" his
power". Bill walks into John Wayne Gacy's house, where he is
stabbed over and over. Kip, Candi and Nicole have a three-way in one
of the houses, which just happens to be the abode of Jeffrey Dahmer.
He takes a bite out of Kips arm, but Kip knocks him out, only to be
chased by Jack The Ripper and finally into The Zodiac, who is holding
Ren's decapitated head (Can't Kip catch a break?). Suddenly, there's
a bolt of lightning (huh?) and Jack the Ripper chases the twi sexpots
and they decide to hide until morning. The Zodiac tries to kill Daisy
(who doesn't know her husband is dead), but the fiesty Aunty May
punches him in his face (That's what he gets for wearing a hood in
front of a black woman!). As they say, never trust your best friends,
as Nicole pushes Candi out into the open in Jack the Ripper's
direction and he carries her away. Simon and Daisy find the dead body
of The Collector (along with his Photoshopped brochure in his shirt
pocket), but Daisy refuses to leave until she finds her husband.
Daisy also happens to be an expert on Satanic cults, thanks to her
years spent at seminary school, so what she knows is important to
whomever is still alive. They go looking for Bill and find a
pentagram with a broken vial of Jeffrey Dahmer's blood. JB has
Nicole tied-up in a barn and stabs her in the stomach, twisting the
blade until all her innards fall on the floor. Jack the Ripper
actually turns out to be a woman (she wore a rubber mask to disguise
herself as a man, even though rubber wasn't used in the 1880's to
make masks) dressed in S&M clothing, who has a totally naked
Candi tied to a barber chair (pretty ingenius if you ask me). She
kisses Candi all over her naked body and then graphically cuts off
one of Candi's nipples with a strait-razor. Simon & Daisy go to
Gacy's house, where they see Bill's dead body. Auntie May, Brian and
Jen are being attacked by The Zodiac, but Brian ends up being caught
by Dahmer. The dead Bill (who is now dressed like a clown) is being
eulogised by Daisy, but Gacy attacks Simon ands knocks him out
with an axe handle. Auntie May and Jen go looking for Brian, who is
being nibbled on by Gacy while tied to a table. Gein appears and the
two serial killers get into a fight and Dahmer ends up dead (We see
Gein absorb Dahmer's powers). Gacy has Daisy and Simon tied to chairs
and Gacy plants a knife into Simon's shoulder for calling him a
"Freak". Simon has had enough, head-butts Gacy,
breaks the chair he is tied to into a million pieces, pulls the knife
out of his shoulder and stabs Gacy in the eye (Simon absorbs Gacy's
powers). Simon then kills Jill The Ripper (a knife up her chin). JB
kidnaps Auntie May, so he and Simon get into a fight (it is very well
choreographed) and JB runs away. JB then kills Gein, with a
cinderblock, so he inherits both Gein and Dahmer's powers. The score
is now 3 serial killers dead at Simon's hands and two serial killers
dead at JB hands. The Zodiac is the last serial killer left alive, so
who will win the fight to kill him? It's one hell of a fight, I'll
give them that, even if there was an unnecessary death just before
the fight. The Zodiac Killer is set on fire and Auntie May runs him
over with a car (Wait a minute. A car? Where the hell did that come
from? Wouldn't the group have discovered it, especially since it is
at the town's garage?). Looks like JB will be sitting beside the
Devil, just not in the way he imagined, since Simon has killed him.
But wait a minute: The bus driver just happens to be Satan himself
and revives JB back to life, saying they still have work to do, as
the rest of the group leave town in the car. The film ends on an
omonous note, just like most DTV films, setting the film up for a
possible sequel. There are a lot more serial killers out there to
exploit. This is a great idea for a film, but most of the
characters are cliched and there could have been many more fights
between the serial killers than just the all-to-short one between
Gein and Dahmer. The fights that there are are very well done and
director Steven Paul Judd (HEADGAME
- 2015) should be proud of them and co-screenwriters Stephen Durham
(the director and screenwriter of BLOODLINES
- 2007) and David McClellan (a jack-of-all-trades on this film)
thankfully fill the film with plenty of nudity, good fights and and
lots of bloody gore to keep your mind off the film's gaping plot
holes. Still, it's unusual enough to watch and if a sequel were to be
made, I would definitely view it. Nothing groundbreaking, but worth a
look. An Uncork'd Entertainment
DVD Release. Not Rated.
BYLETH:
THE DEMON OF INCEST (1972) - One
thing I love about Italian genre films is that no subject, no matter
how taboo it is believed to be, is off limits. You would think with
the Pope living in the Vatican and (according to the CIA Worldbook)
80% of Italy is Christian (Roman Catholic), some topics would be
considered untouchable but, no, there is not one topic that is out of
bounds. Italy churned out scores of Nunsploitation and Naziploitation
flicks (I'm not a fan of either) and their giallo and horror films
usually had someone of the cloth as an evil person or even the
killer, so nothing is forbidden. Which brings me to this film,
a seldom seen supernatural movie about incest.
The film opens with a naked man and woman in bed, discussing how the
man's wife will never know the pleasure of adultery ("She has no
opinion. She just knows abstinence." says the man in horribly
translated English subtitles). The woman says this about his wife:
"Didn't she never experience the amusement of immortality?"
(Now the subtitler is using a double negative in a sentence. For
shame!), as she reaches for the man's penis. "Damn. We are so
pitiful." he replies, as they get down and dirty (Not only is
their conversation nonsensical, I doubt even Sigmund Freud could
decipher it!). The woman stops before the man is finished, telling
him his time is up and he must leave, where we discover she is a
prostitute named Dolores (Karin Lorson) and the man is her john. When
he leaves, someone wearing black boots, a cape and black gloves
enters her room and kills her with a strange three-bladed weapon. We
then cut to the following morning, where Duke Lionello Shandwell
(Mark Damon; NAKED YOU DIE
- 1968) enters the village on horseback and watches as the police
take the dead prostitute's body away. The village Judge (Franco
Jamonte; SWORD OF THE CONQUEROR
- 1961) tells one of his men to get a list of all the prostitute's
clients. The Judge gives the Duke a nod and Lionello goes home, where
maid Gisella (Marzia Damon, as "Caterina Chiani"; THE
HAND THAT FEEDS THE DEAD - 1974) tells him that
"she" has arrived. The Duke is happy beyond words, as we
discover "she" is the Duke's sister, Barbara (Claudia
Gravy; KILMA, QUEEN
OF THE AMAZONS - 1975). Right from the start, we can see that
this is more than a brother/sister relationship, as they call each
other "sweetheart" and "darling". Barbara has
been away in Rome for over a year, telling her brother that they will
never be separated again (Which brings up the questions: Why was she
away for over a year? Did Lionello screw his sister?).
They dote on each other like lovers, that is until Barbara tells her
brother that she has gotten married. Lionello yells at her, saying
that they made a promise to each other to be together forever, but
Barbara says, "We are not children anymore. Brothers and sisters
can't get married!" (I guess they have never been in the Deep
South!). Barbara introduces her brother to her new husband, Giordano
(Aldo Bufi Landi; FOUR
FLIES ON GREY VELVET - 1971), an older gentleman who shakes
Lionello's hand, saying, "You don't look like brother and
sister" and invites him to come and visit them at their house in
Rome. Lionello is civil to Giordano, but you can see in his eyes that
he wants to strangle him for putting his hands on his sister.
Giordano notices it, too, telling Barbara that he didn't make a good
first impression with her brother and that Lionello is not happy that
he is going to be separated from her again. That is putting it mildly.
Lionello spies on his sister kissing Giordano and has memories of
him and Barbara having hot, passionate naked sex, but is it all in
his mind? Giordano tries to make friends with Lionello, but he turns
down Giordano's offers to go horseback riding and hunting with him.
He does, however, agree to be taught the art of fencing, Giordano not
knowing that Lionello is an expert at fencing. He finds out rather
quickly how good Lionello really is, but Giordano is better and it
soon becomes a life and death fight. Barbara sees what is going on
and tries to break it up, but Lionello accidentally cuts her arm with
his rapier and runs to the barn, embarrassed and emotionally hurt. In
the barn, Lionello spies on Gisella having sex with one of the grooms
and she notices him looking at her and smiles, only in his eyes
Gisella is actually Barbara. As a matter of fact, every woman he sees
from this moment on has the face of his sister, so much so, that he
can no longer separate fantasy from reality. Lionello is so obsessed
with his sister that he pulls out an ancient book of magic out of a
locked case he keeps in his attic, recites a passage and is possessed
by Byleth, the demon of incest (or is he?). Someone then kills
Gisella with the three-bladed weapon, the same weapon used on the
dead prostitute days before. The Judge is stumped, as he has never
seen anything like this before. He asks the village Doctor (Fernando
Cerulli; DEATH
SMILES ON A MURDERER - 1973) how Lionello is doing and he
tells the Judge he is doing better, but he is "very
sensitive" because "we can't control his nerves all the
time." Apparently, this is not the first time the Doctor has
treated Lionello for his sensitivity. Is Byleth possessing Lionello
or is it merely an excuse to absolve him of murder in his twisted mind?
The Judge asks Barbara if her brother had fits like this before and
she says yes, when he was 10 years old. "One day we played in
the garden and he suddenly ran away. Our father had died a short time
before. I found Lionello foaming at the mouth, lying on the ground
under some brush. He talked...I don't really remember...a strange
word." Giordano asks Barbara if she remembers the word, but she
says she doesn't, telling him "Like a...Like a name of a
stranger." (I think what she really said was "A strange
name", as the subtitlers don't quite have a grasp of the English
language). Barbara tells the Judge to be careful, because her brother
had many fits in his life and he seems to be getting worse. The
Doctor then interjects, telling Barbara that Lionello is getting
better, but is he?
The Judge has received the list of names of the dead prostitute's
clients and Lionello's name is on that list. When the Judge questions
Lionello, asking him where he was when the prostitute was killed, he
tells him he was sleeping in the park, but it is obvious to the Judge
that he is lying, but since he is a Duke, he has to have more than
suspicions. He needs proof. Lionello tells the Judge that he knew
Gisella was stumping the groom, Dario (Tony Denton), to throw
suspicion off himself, but the Judge can see through his deception.
The police search Dario's home and find a bloody shirt that Lionello
planted there. Since this was over a hundred years before there was
such a thing as a CSI, the police
arrest Dario. Lionello, thinking the heat is off of him, has a
playful roll on the ground with his sister, when it suddenly turns
serious, Lionello telling her he has a secret. Barbara asks what it
is and he says his lips are sealed. She asks how she can open his
lips (She's just asking for it, don't you think?) and he replies,
"With our magic ritual. Eye on eye. Nose on nose. Lips on
lips." which Barbara does, but the lips part is just a peck,
which disappoints Lionello. "Tell me your secret" says
Barbara and Lionello replies, "Sometimes strange things happen
to me. In these moments I am no longer in control of my mind. You
must help me." Barbara agrees, but before she can do anything,
Giordano calls out her name and she goes running to him, further
messing with Lionello's fragile psyche.
There will be a few more deaths before anything is resolved, as
Lionello sees his sister making hot, passionate, naked love to
Giordano, sending him on a spiral of violence. We must figure out if
Lionello is actually possessed or if he's just mentally unstable.
Things come to a boil when Giordano sets Lionello up with his
beautiful cousin Floriana (Silvana Pompili). The local priest
(Antonio Anelli; WHAT
HAVE YOU DONE TO SOLANGE? - 1972) tells the Judge, doctor and
Giordano that the murders are being committed by Byleth, a demon with
the face of an angel. This demon kills his victims with a weapon with
three blades, the three blades being "a bloody symbol of the
Holy Trinity." When Barbara hears the name, she becomes a
different person, making us believe that Lionello is not possessed at
all. According to the priest's description, Byleth could actually be...Barbara!
This atmospheric Gothic chiller, directed by Leopoldo Savona (APOCALYPSE
JOE - 1970; DEATH
DROPS LIGHTLY - 1972) and written by
Norbert Blake (his only film credit; which makes me believe it is a
pseudonym for Savona), is a seldom-seen film that deals with a very
touchy subject, but like I said in the beginning of this review, no
subject is taboo to Italian filmmakers. Good thing, too, because this
flick is must viewing for genre film lovers. There is plenty of
full-frontal nudity, bloody violence and a decent mystery to go along
with the subject matter. The normally stiff Mark Damon (who put
acting on the back burner to become a producer of some A-and-B-List
films, including THE ARENA
- 1973; THE LOST BOYS - 1987;
and my favorite, UNIVERSAL
SOLDIER: DAY OF RECKONING - 2012, something he is still
doing right up to this day) really shines here as a man with no moral
compass, his actions are based on what he is feeling at the moment.
If he were alive now, he would probably be diagnosed as suffering
from epilepsy, but back in the mid-1800s, it takes on a more
supernatural sheen. That is to say it wouldn't be considered a
medical problem but, rather, an emotional problem (On more than one
occasion, people say that Lionello is suffering from
"delirium"). This film is not as exploitative as it could
have been and that's a good thing, because the subject matter is
dealt with seriously, like an episode of LAW
& ORDER: SVU and less like some cheap exploitation
flick. That's not to say that there aren't some cheap thrills to be
had here, because there are, but the story always comes back to
earth, rather than becoming a standard gore-a-thon. Director Savona
has a nice feel for the period and most of the actors imbue their
characters with a sense of normalcy, the way people would act in that
time frame. If you are looking for something rare and different, look
no further than this film.
Shot as BYLETH IL DEMONE DELL'INCESTO
(a literal translation of the review title), this film never had a
theatrical, VHS or disc release in the United States. Hell, it was
never even dubbed in English! My review is based on a DVD-R I
purchased from Sinister Cinema
(through Amazon). The print is German-dubbed, with less than
satisfactory English subtitles. Luckily, I can spreken ze Deutsch, so
I could understand what they were actually saying and ignore the
horrendously translated subtitles. Those who don't understand German
need not worry, because the film is very easy to follow, so pony up
$8.99 (or find it streaming for free on YouTube) and watch this
sucker! Also featuring Franco Marletta (THE
COLD EYES OF FEAR - 1971), Alessandro Perrella (SEVEN
DEATHS IN THE CAT'S EYE - 1973), Bruna Beani (THE
EERIE MIDNIGHT HORROR SHOW - 1974), Florian Endlicher (Man,
I would hate to have that last name!) and the prolific Carla Mancini (FLAVIA
THE HERETIC - 1974). Not Rated. UPDATE:
Now available on DVD
& Blu-Ray from Severin
Films.
CASTLE
OF THE CREEPING FLESH (1968) -
Extremely weird and memorable Germany/France/Italy co-production. I
say memorable, but not in any positive way, but rather for some very
unintentional humor and the mugging done by gonzo actor/director Michel
Lemoine (CEMETERY
WITHOUT CROSSES - 1969), who contorts his face every
time he looks at a woman he wants to bed, looking like he is tripping
on LSD or suffering from an epileptic seizure.
The film opens with a very mod party thrown by Baron Brack (Lemoine),
who hits on Elena Lagrange (Elvira Berndorff, in her only film role),
even though her sister and the Baron's fiancée, Vera (the late Janine
Reynaud; THE
CASE OF THE SCORPION'S TAIL), is in the very same room.
While the party is still in full swing (we see people dancing in a
train to the Bunny Hop!), he brings Elena back to his place with the
promise to take her for some twilight horseback riding, but he rapes
her instead (even though she doesn't give him much of a fight). A
short time later, George Kassell (Jan Hendriks; THE
COLLEGE GIRL MURDERS - 1967), Elena's fiancé, and his
sister Marion (Claudia Butenuth; WHAT
HAVE YOU DONE TO SOLANGE? - 1972), along with Vera and Roger
de la Valiere (Pier A. Caminnicci; producer/writer/star of SUCCUBUS
- 1968; also starring Lemoine and Reynaud), Marion's fiancé,
arrive at the Baron's home, just as he is finishing with Elena, and
start a small party of their own (Confused? So was I, trying to
figure out who was related and engaged to whom!!!).
At this small party, the forest outside the Baron's home is
mentioned, where we learn that Katharina, the daughter of the Earl of
Saxon (Howard Vernon; THE
FRENCH SEX MURDERS - 1972), was found raped and murdered
just that morning. We know that the Baron was the guilty party,
simply by the way he contorts his face and eyes when Katharina's name
is mentioned. The Baron explains that the woods aren't safe, because
the Earl has released a bear (!) in the forest in hopes it will maul
the rapist/murderer to death. The Earl, along with his late daughter,
never leave the castle and don't take kindly to visitors, so none of
them should ever go to his castle. The party notices that Elena has
disappeared and learn that she has taken one of the Baron's horses
into the forest. The Baron, along with George and Vera, tell Roger to
stay behind with his fiancée, as they hop on horses and go
looking for Elena and find out that the Baron's horse is in the
Earl's stables, where the Earl's servant, Alecos (Vladimir Medar; THE
TORTURE CHAMBER OF DR. SADISM - 1967) tells them that he
found Elena passed-out and brought her into the castle, where the
Earl, who is a physician, is taking care of her. Alecos has no other
choice but to invite them in the castle (begrudgingly saying that the
horses need a warm stable to sleep in, but, even though he doesn't
want to, he is left with no other choice but to invite the trio
inside). Inside the castle, we see the Earl and another doctor (actor
unknown, but extremely familiar), performing an operation on
Katharina's heart (real-life open heart surgery footage), in hopes of
bringing her back to life, but it fails. The Earl tells the doctor
that they will need a living donor. Once the trio are inside the
castle, they must abide by the "Rules of the House", where
they are forced to wear ancient costumes. Roger must wear the costume
of a King, while Vera wears one of a Queen. The Baron, on the other
hand, must wear the costume of Death, because, as Alecos tells him,
"You have Death looking down on you!" They then meet the
Earl and are soon joined by Roger and Marion, who is unconscious
because she fell off her horse. The Earl is shocked, because Marion
looks exactly like his late daughter, so he tells Alecos to put her
in his daughter's bedroom to recuperate, which he does. At dinner,
the Baron and Vera make google-eyes at each other, while the Earl
regales them with a true tale of his ancestors, none of them noticing
the extra place setting that Alecos has set on the table for the
Earl's dead daughter. The Earl tells them that during the 30 Year
War, his ancestor's daughter was raped and killed by a trio of
Cossacks, saying "Life and death are alike, but there's also
love. Love has a right to kill, but he who kills for revenge will be
cursed!" After dinner is over, Alecos shows them to their
bedrooms, where they will retire for the night. They all hear some
type of commotion going on and Alecos shows them a "special"
room, where wax figures are posed in a scene showing the rape of the
Earl's ancestor's daughter! (Jesus, it is creepy, especially with the
added addition of sound effects!). The Baron tells Alecos he is not
staying, he's going to go back to his place, where he will get his
car and come back in the morning to pick everyone up (Alecos says to
him, "I knew you would say that!" and then laughs.). After
everyone is tucked in their bedrooms, the Earl orders Alecos to
retrieve Marion and bring her to the laboratory. Vera then hits on
Roger, telling him that she wants to make love to him, but Roger refuses.
Vera then has a dream about the ancestor's daughter's rape, where
the Baron, George and Roger portray the trio of Cossacks and rape the
daughter (portrayed by Marion), while Vera watches and masturbates!
The Earl's ancestor (portrayed by the Earl), then stabs Vera in the
heart, blaming her for his daughter's death. The ancestor's servant
(portrayed by Alecos) then beheads Vera with an axe. Vera wakes up
and screams (That was a very vivid nightmare!) and Roger comes
running into her bedroom. They then make love (Hey, what's good for
the Baron is good for Roger, too!). We then see the Earl and the
unnamed doctor performing surgery on Marion and Katharina as they lay
side-by-side (more real-life open heart surgery).
We then see the Baron being attacked by a man in a fake-ass looking
bear suit (Try not to laugh, I dare you! It is the film's
unintentional [?] humorous highlight). George goes looking for Marion
when he discovers her bed empty and gets lost in the castle's
catacombs, a labyrinth of tunnels that lead nowhere, where Alecos
taunts him verbally. The Baron then stumbles into the castle, bloody
and bruised, telling everyone that this entire night is nothing but a
"bad dream" (He may be right, as this film is nothing but a
series of weird set-pieces, none of them connected to each other,
just like a dream). Marion then shows up, spouting nonsense about
death and handing everyone a flower. The Baron says, "You're not
Marion!" and he's right, as we see George arrive in the Earl's
laboratory, where he finds Marion dead on the operating table, her
heart missing. The Earl removes "Marion's" wig and the
Baron yells out, Katharina! Katharina!" Now the Earl (and
everyone else) knows that the Baron raped and killed the Earl's
daughter. The Earl tries to stab the Baron with a dagger, but
Katharina steps in front of him and the blade enters her heart,
killing her. Katharina's final words are "God be with you",
so the Earl stabs the Baron, killing him. The Earl carries his
daughter's body to the castle roof, where he walks off, still holding
Katharina's dead body, plunging to his death. We then see the Grim
Reaper riding a horse off the castle's grounds, the castle's
heavy iron gate closing behind him and the film ends. If you are
wondering what happens to George, Vera, Roger and Elena, all I can
tell you is this: They are inconsequential to the plot, or at least
to what plot there is!
Woah! This film, like I said earlier, has a dream-like quality to
it, but that doesn't necessarily mean that
it is a good film. It is entertaining, but good? Not by a long shot.
The film's short running time (82 minutes) doesn't give you enough
time to be bored, but it does give you plenty of time to laugh, which
I am sure was not director/co-producer/co-screenwriter "Percy G.
Parker's" (Actually Adrian Hoven, director of THE
LONG SWIFT SWORD OF SIEGFRIED [1971] and MARK
OF THE DEVIL PART II [1973]; he also acted in and produced MARK
OF THE DEVIL - 1970, as well as many other films) goal. The
bear attack scene got the biggest laugh from me because it comes out
of nowhere and once you see the bear suit, I guarantee you will be
laughing, too! It should also be noted that Michel Lemoine was
married for about a decade to Janine Reynaud after they appeared in
this film and may be the reason why she quit acting in the late-'70s.
Lemoine directed her last few films and they are hard to come by.
Read my review for SEVEN
WOMEN FOR SATAN to see what he churned out. Needless to say,
he mugs wildly here for the camera, lusting after every woman with
his face and eyes, so much so he looks like a pervert. I kept asking
myself why he has so many friends. Can't they see what type of person
he is? Janine Reynaud's favorite expression in this film is to put
her hand to her cheek as if to say "Oh, my!" A good
drinking game would be to take a shot every time she does it. You'll
be plastered in no time. As I said earlier, the screenplay (by Hoven
and one-timer Eric Martin Schnitzer, from a story by an uncredited
Jess Franco [ugh!], based on William Shakespeare's "King
Lear") is nothing but a series of unrelated vignettes, but there
is plenty of female nudity (unusual for a film made in 1968) by the
cast, but only topless nudity. The only blood and violence we really
see (besides the awful bear attack) are the bloodless decapitation of
Vera and the real surgery footage. Go in knowing that and you should
have a good time with this film.
Shot as IM
SCHLOSS DER BLUTIGEN BEGIERDE ("In The Castle Of Bloody
Desire") and known under a myriad of titles, including APPOINTMENT
WITH LUST, CASTLE OF LUST, CASTLE OF BLOODY LUST
and CASTLE OF UNHOLY DESIRES, this film did not get a
theatrical release in the United States, but it did get a few VHS
releases, the most notable one by Magnum
Entertainment. No legitimate DVD or Blu-Ray (at the time
of this review), but plenty of gray market DVD-R
releases, including Rogue Video
and Sinister Cinema.
Amazon Prime (where else?) offers a nice widescreen print streaming
for free if you are a Prime member. This review is based on that
print. Also featuring Ernst Steinlechner as the horseback-riding Grim
Reaper. Not Rated. UPDATE:
Now available on DVD
& Blu-Ray from Severin
Films, the purveyors of everything Eurohorror.
CENTIPEDE
HORROR (1987) - No one ever
accused Hong Kong horror films of showing restraint and here's a good
example of restraint being thrown out the window, along with the
bathwater and the baby. After showing us extreme close-ups of
centipedes with accompanying voiceover narration giving us a short
history of the many-legged buggers (apparently, they have 22 sections
with two legs per section, which equals 44 legs; far short of
"centipede" status, but still one of the creepiest bugs on
the planet), we move on to the film proper, where young woman Kay is
begging her brother Pak (Kiu Wai Miu) to let her go on a seven day
vacation to Southeast Asia. He agrees to let Kay go (and not tell
their "Mummy"), but only if she'll wear this big-assed
medallion around her neck to ward-off evil spirits (People living in
Hong Kong must believe that S.E. Asia is full of dangerous
supernatural predators that feed on tourists). Kay reluctantly
agrees, puts the unwieldy medallion around her neck and the next time
we see her, she is jogging in S.E. Asia with a female friend. They
stop at a pushcart selling "grass jelly" and enjoy eating a
couple of bowls, but the guy running the pushcart notices Kay's
medallion and gives it an ominous look. When Kay leaves her headband
behind on the pushcart, the guy gives it another ominous look and you
just know it's going to be used in some kind of crazy Asian spell (Or
maybe I have watched too many Hong Kong horror flicks? Nah, it's
gonna be used in a spell!). Kay's girlfriend talks her into taking
off the medallion ("It's ugly!") and she throws it into her
suitcase. Big stupid rookie mistake. Kay and her tour group go to a
coconut farm, where Kay drinks too much coconut milk (Is that even
possible?) and has to go wee-wee. She never makes it to the bathroom,
as she and her girlfriend are attacked by an army of centipedes and
they both pass out. Kay's girlfriend dies of a heart attack and Pak
flies to the S.E. Asia hospital where his sister is being treated,
only to find that Kay's entire body is covered with mysterious gaping
wounds (the doctor first thought it was "Hiroshima radiation
poisoning", but quickly discards it because, hey, they're not in
Japan!) and she has been struck speechless. The doctor vows to find a
cure to this "mystery disease", so Pak hooks-up with old
schoolmate Yeuk Chee (Margaret A. Li) and they take a night stroll
down the busy streets of S.E. Asia, where they meet Mr. Chan Hie, the
"King Of The Centipedes", a man selling centipede ointment
to cure poisonous centipede bites. Mr. Chan visits Kay in the
hospital and tells Pak and Yeuk Chee that there is nothing he can do
for her, but they should visit his teacher, who lives very far away.
Before they can do that, Kay dies (with centipedes squirming out of
her wounds) and Pak is given her suitcase, which contains the
medallion. Pak is told by a fortuneteller that his generation is
suffering from a curse put on his grandfather and there is no way to
avoid his fate (The fortuneteller's advice: "Do more
charity!"). Pak keeps catching glimpses of a red figure walking
away from him and then flies back to Hong Kong, where Mummy (Chien
Szu-Ying) tells Pak that when his grandfather was young, he did a
"shameful thing" while in S.E. Asia. She is not sure
exactly what that shameful act was, but she knows Pak's father found
out just before he died. Pak, who is beginning to get bad headaches
and is not feeling too well, vows to discover his Grandpa's sins and
reverse them before it is too late. All of this happens within the
film's first thirty minutes and what happens during the next 63
minutes will have Pak questioning his sanity. It seems that fifty
years earlier, Pak's grandfather was responsible for burning down an
entire village (on the same spot where Kay was attacked by the
centipedes), killing everyone in the village and a vengeful wizard
has made it his life's work to make Pak's family suffer. How is Pak
going to fight this? Why, by hiring his own wizard to do battle!
Although it takes a while for this film to get cookin', once it
does, it's a non-stop sleazefest. Director Keith Li (a.k.a. "Lee
Pak Ling"; VAMPIRE KIDS
- 1991) and screenwriters Anna Chan & Suet Ming have fashioned a
gory supernatural horror film that actually has a coherent plot for a
change, but that's not to say that there aren't plenty of "What
The Fuck?!?" moments, including Pak and Yeuk Chee spying on a
wizard performing a ritual on a totally naked woman with a gangrenous
stomach (it involves distilling the oil taken from the corpses of
children, cutting off a chicken's head, using the chicken's blood to
mark the woman's body with Chinese symbols and ends with her
puking-up a bunch of bloody scorpions!); Yeuk Chee having a spell
cast on her by the evil wizard, which leads to a battle between good
and bad wizards (the good wizard loses after putting up a valiant
fight); and plenty of centipede attacks (and even some centipede
puking). The truly demented conclusion must be seen to be believed
and includes reanimated chicken corpses, stealth fireballs, a cobra
head impalement (!) and more centipedes than you will ever care to
see for the rest of your life. Special props to actress Margaret A.
Li for throwing-up what are obviously live centipedes! Only in Hong
Kong, folks, only in Hong Kong, This may not be in the same league as
the Shaw Brothers horror flicks THE
KILLER SNAKES (1974) or BLACK
MAGIC (1975), but CENTIPEDE
HORROR still manages to entertain while grossing you out.
Also starring Wang Lai, Stephen T.F. Lau, F.C. Chan, Yip Tin Hang and
Yau Pui Ling. Bootleg company Apprehensive
Films offers a reasonably sharp widescreen English hardcoded
subtitled print on DVD. Not Rated.
THE
COLOR OF LOVE (1974) - Unusual
all-black cast religious supernatural film that can't be considered
blaxploitation because of its earnestness. During a mass baptism at a
lake, Femi (Bill Overton) stops the baptism of girlfriend Billie
(Avis McCarthur) because it goes against their voodoo beliefs. Some
of the male parishioners of the church take offense to Femi's actions
and hold him underwater, drowning him. That night, the voodoo
community performs a ritual over Femi's body (a live chicken has it's
throat cut), where the voodoo priest promises that his death will not
go unanswered and Lord Shango, the groups highest deity, will seek
retribution. Billie's mother, Jenny (Marlene Clark; GANJA
& HESS - 1973; BLACK
MAMBA - 1974), is also pissed about Femi's death because of
the emotional damage it has inflicted on her daughter, but Jenny's
fiancé Memphis (Wally Taylor), a voodoo non-believer and a
member of the local church, promises to get Jenny pregnant
and give her a baby if it's the "Lord's will", something
Jenny has wanted for a long time. While waitressing at the local bar,
Jenny talks to Jabo (Lawrence Cook), an ex-jazz drummer and voodoo
practitioner, who tells her that Femi's death was murder and then
goes on to make ominous statements that "it's not over",
especially where Billie is concerned. He's right, of course, because
Billie becomes downright delirious from her grief and believes every
man she meets is Femi, beginning with Memphis, whom she fucks. When
Jenny finds out, she runs to the local church, where Memphis is
repenting his sins. Jenny is not so forgiving, as she slaps Memphis
silly and breaks off their engagement. Billie runs away from home and
months pass with no word from her. Then bad things begin to happen.
Memphis nearly cuts his arm off with a circular saw at his
construction job. With Jabo's encouragement, Jenny goes to the local
voodoo cult looking for retribution for her daughter's disappearance
and Femi's death and, pretty soon, members of the local church,
especially those involved in Femi's drowning, begin to die
mysteriously. Billie returns home, too, and that bump in her stomach
is not from overeating. Billie is pregnant with Memphis' baby, so
Jenny demands that Memphis marries Billie. It's also apparent that
Jenny will be paying a steep price for getting involved with the
voodoo cult. When Jenny and Jabo become lovers (he delivers a
devastating soliloquy about his life that will break your heart), all
the pieces seem to fall into place, but a final twist will test
everyone's faith, both voodoo practitioners and the
church-going. Not quite a horror film and not quite
exploitation, THE COLOR OF LOVE (originally released as LORD
SHANGO) is more of an indictment against organized religion
(of all types) and blindly following the rules without questioning
them first. Director Ray Marsh (who also gave us the PG-rated comedy THE
LAST PORNO FLICK - 1974) and screenwriter Paul Carter
Harrison (YOUNGBLOOD - 1978)
make this more of a slice-of-life drama about black life in a small
southern town, with supernatural overtones added for some mystery.
The theme to this film, "The price of life is sacrifice",
is shown in many guises here, from Femi's drowning, the mysterious
deaths of the church parishioners and even Billie's pregnancy, with
Jabo appearing at all of them like some avenging angel as the
connective tissue. Not much is known about Jabo, except he's an
ex-musician and he drinks too much, but it's apparent that he's the
catalyst to everything that happens here. The question soon becomes
if he sits on the wings of angels or the horns of the Devil? While
the violence here is rather tame and very little blood is spilled on
screen, the story manages to hold your attention because the
characters are tightly drawn (Marlene Clark and Lawrence Cook are
excellent). These people aren't written in black and white, so it is
up to us to form our own opinions about them. Those going into this
film expecting a horror flick are going to be in for a major
disappointment, so keep an open mind when watching it. I'm not a
religious person, so let me say this: THE COLOR OF LOVE is a
film about religion that everyone can understand, from the devoutly
religious to the non-believer. Also known as SOULMATES
OF SHANGO. Also starring John Russell, B.A. Ward, Stanley
Greene and Maurice Woods. Originally released on VHS by Aries Home
Entertainment and not available on DVD, but soon to be available on Blu-Ray
from Code Red. Rated R.
THE
COTTAGE (2008) - This British
production is an offbeat mixture of crime and horror genres, with a
healthy dose of dark humor. Two bumbling crooks, brothers David (Andy
Serkis; INKHEART - 2008) and
Peter (Reece Shearsmith, who looks like a battered Kevin Spacey),
kidnap the buxom and foul-mouthed Tracey (Jennifer Ellison) and bring
her to the title abode in the middle of nowhere. It's quite obvious
from the start that Tracey isn't your average kidnap victim, as she
managed to break Peter's nose with a few well-placed head-butts, even
though her hands are tied behind her back and her legs bound
together. It turns out that Tracey is the stepdaughter of crime boss
Arnie and David and Peter are holding her for a 100,000-pound ransom.
Arnie (whose office is in the basement of a strip club) sends his son
Andrew (Steven O'Donnell) to deliver the ransom (not knowing that
Andrew is a part of the kidnapping), but Andrew is unaware that dear
old Dad has also sent two Asian hitmen, Muk Li San (Logan Wong) and
Chun Yo Fu (Jonathan Chan-Pensley), to follow him and kill those
responsible for Tracey's kidnapping and then return
with Tracey. Andrew (who is just as bumbling as David and Peter)
shows up at the cottage with the satchel of ransom money, but when
they open it, all that is inside is wads of tissue paper (Andrew
incredulously says, "I probably should have checked it.").
Things rapidly go from bad to worse when David is forced to go to
Plan B, but Peter blows it and manages to let Tracey get a good look
at all their faces. David is forced to leave the cottage and look for
a working phone after Peter drops their cell phone in a pond, while
Arnie makes his way to the cottage to join the waiting Asian hitmen.
David finds a phone booth and makes a new ransom demand and, after
being warned by the town's off-kilter elderly citizens that it is not
safe to be outside at night in these parts, David returns to the
cottage to find Peter and Tracey missing and Andrew unconscious on
the floor. It turns out that Tracey has now taken Peter hostage and
escaped into the woods, where they find a creepy farmhouse that would
give goose bumps to THE
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE's Sawyer clan. David and Andrew go
looking for them and discover Muk Li San's body tied between two
trees with his throat cut. It's now obvious that there is another
killer on the loose, as Peter and Tracey check out the farmhouse and
make some frightening discoveries, including a freezer full of
disembodied human hands and a hideous mutated monster, who stabs
Tracey in the stomach with a machete and chases Peter throughout the
house. In the finale, brothers David and Peter, both seriously
wounded, must defend themselves from the mutant farmer, but when
Peter becomes trapped in the farmhouse's basement, he will make a
discovery that he will not soon forget. And neither will you. Be sure
to stick through the end credits for a final stinger, as the
until-now unseen Arnie arrives on the scene, only to meet the sharp
end of a pickaxe. THE COTTAGE
is a funny genre-bending film that has some genuine laugh-out-loud
moments, including Andrew's unfortunate choice of ski mask and
Peter's phobia of moths (one moth turns him to jelly, but when he
makes the unfortunate choice to enter a room in the farmhouse that is
full of the winged insects, hilarity ensues). Director/screenwriter
Paul Andrew Williams (the brilliant LONDON
TO BRIGHTON - 2006) wisely chooses to wait until the film is
almost two-thirds over to reveal the horror elements, as we are given
ample time to get to know these fucked-up characters and actually
care about some of them, especially Peter, who takes more damage to
his entire body throughout the film (including getting his right foot
cut in half) then what is shown in a dozen Three Stooges shorts. The
violence in this film is brutal (including one major character
getting their head cleaved in two at the jaw line with a shovel), but
a lot of it is played with a wicked sense of humor (poor
accident-prone Andrew suffers the worst of it, stepping not once, but
twice, on bear traps and later stepping on a rake and getting
clobbered on the head [like in the old cartoons of yore], only to
have the mutated farmer use the same rake to put a few holes in his
noggin before stabbing him in the balls and cutting his head off,
with the spinal column still attached!). I enjoyed this film
immensely and so should you. It's a near perfect mixture of comedy,
crime and atmospheric horror that's sure to please fans of black
comedy and, believe me, it doesn't get much blacker than this. Bloody
good show. Doug Bradley (HELLRAISER
- 1987) puts in a cameo as a doomsayer local. Also starring Simon
Schatzberger and David Legeno as the mutated monster farmer. A Sony
Pictures Home Entertainment DVD Release. Unrated.
CRASH!
(1976) - It's interesting to compare director/producer Charles
Band's earlier films (this is his second effort; his first being LAST
FOXTROT IN BURBANK [1973]) with his later ones (like THE
GINGERDEAD MAN - 2005) to see how much he has progressed.
The funny thing is that Band has done just the opposite, he has
regressed, as his earlier films, such as this one, are much more
entertaining and fun to watch. CRASH!
is actually two films in one. It's partly about a possessed car that
runs other cars off the road (causing fiery crashes) and partly a
supernatural murder drama about a husband trying to knock-off his
wife. The wife in question is Kim Denne (Sue Lyon; END
OF THE WORLD - 1977), who we see walking around a flea
market (in the parking area of a drive-in theater). She spots a weird
one-eyed stone idol and buys it from a strange man (played by Reggie
Nalder; MARK OF
THE DEVIL - 1970), after talking him down in price. Kim's
husband, Marc (Jose Ferrer; DRACULA'S
DOG - 1978; BLOOD TIDE
- 1982), is a bitter, jealous old man that keeps tabs on Kim's every
move. He's never forgiven Kim for confining
him to a wheelchair, the result of a car accident where Kim was
behind the wheel. After their latest fight, Kim storms out of the
house, attaches her newly-bought idol to her keychain and takes off
in her car (a Hemi Cuda convertible), only to be attacked by Marc's
vicious dog (who he trained just for this purpose) and getting into a
terrible car accident. Confined to a hospital bed and in a coma (and
still grasping the idol keychain in her hand), Marc must figure out a
way to kill Kim before she wakes up and spills the beans. He sneaks
into her hospital room undetected (!) and pulls out all her tubes and
wires, which lets a stream of her blood trickle down on the idol in
her hand. The idol, we will later find out, is the image of Akaza,
the God of Vengeance. Oh, no. Luckily, Kim's life is saved by nurse
Kathy (Leslie Parrish; THE
GIANT SPIDER INVASION - 1975) and Dr. Greg Martin (John
Ericson; FINAL MISSION
- 1984). Kim (whose entire face is bandaged) makes a full recovery,
but suffers from a bad case of amnesia. While all this drama is
taking place, Kim's driverless car goes on a murder spree, killing
innocent (?) motorists and destroying dozens of police cars, the
possessed car always coming away without a scratch. Dr. Martin
borrows Kim's idol and brings it to an expert on the subject, which
just happens to be Marc Denne. This is not going to turn out well at
all, is it? Marc finally gets his hands on Kim, locks her in the
sauna and works out a foolproof alibi. Too bad that alibi left no
room for a possessed car, as it chases the wheelchair-bound Marc
outside and pushes him off a cliff, the car exploding on top of
him. This is a weird mixture of car chase/crash exploitation
(which was very popular during the 70's) and supernatural possession
genres (Director Elliott Silverstein would mine the same premise the
following year with THE CAR).
There's something spooky about a driverless car speeding down the
highway, causing death and destruction, and director Charles Band
spends much of the film showing the possessed car causing accident
after accident, usually culminating in a car flying in slow-motion
through the air, crashing through objects (like signs, buildings or
other cars) and then exploding in a fireball. When the final edit was
turned in, the running time must have come up a little short, because
Band repeats every car crash a second time when Marc locks a
possessed Kim in the sauna during the film's closing minutes. The
film is a stunt-filled extravaganza, but there are a few creepy
moments, too, such as when a possessed Kim (her eyes get all big and
red) forces her husband's wheelchair to run over his attack dog
over-and-over until it is dead. Though very little blood is spilled, CRASH!
(also known as DEATH RIDE and AKAZA, THE GOD OF VENGEANCE)
is an entertaining quickie that should please both action and horror
fans. If Band spent more time making films like this and less time on
killer dolls and puppets, his resume wouldn't be half as bad as it
actually is. Also starring John Carradine (in his usual five minute
cameo), Jerome Guardino, Paul Dubby and cult director John Hayes (MAMA'S
DIRTY GIRLS - 1974). I don't think that this ever received a
U.S. home video release, although it was released on British VHS
label VCL (the print I viewed) and on German DVD under the title DRACULAS
TODESRENNEN ("Dracula's Deathrace"). Now available
on widescreen DVD from Full
Moon Direct. Rated PG.
CREATURES
FROM THE ABYSS (1994)
- As soon as I put this DVD into the player, I felt that I had
stepped into some sort of alternative universe. I can't quite come up
with the words of how I felt when watching this really, really
bad creatures-on-the-loose film, except to say that I could not take
my eyes off
the screen. It's like viewing the aftermath of an awful train wreck:
you try to turn your head away from the carnage but your brain tells
you otherwise. Five really, really annoying teenagers stupidly
take their rubber raft out to the middle of the ocean and run out of
gas. They stumble upon a deserted yacht that was actually an
oceanographic biology laboratory and turn the ship into their own
private party boat. Some deep ocean fish, previously unknown, have
eaten radioactive-poisoned plankton and have killed the yacht's
previous inhabitants. Now it's the kids' turn. After finding one
mentally-challenged professor hiding in the engine room, Mike (Clay
Rogers) decides to investigate what has happened and does not like
what he finds. The professor has turned the poisoned plankton into a
powder, which Bobby (Michael Bon) snorted up his nose, thinking it
was cocaine. Hey, you're going to have to watch the rest of this brain-damaged
flick to find out how it ends. I can't begin to detail everything
that is wrong with this film. It could be the incredibly bad dubbing
and voice acting. It could be the jackhammer editing that doesn't
make sense half the time. It could be the extremely poor special
effects and stop-motion animation. It could be the insane
dialogue. Here's a sample: MIKE: "Professor? Have you been
fucking fish?!" PROFESSOR: "They were old
enough!!!" Or it could be that this is most probably the
best badfilm that I have personally witnessed in quite some time.
Directed without a shred of talent by one Al Passeri (real name:
Alvaro Passeri; THE
MUMMY THEME PARK - 2000. I have also read that "Al
Passeri" is a pseudonym for Italian director Massimilano Cerchi,
but I can neither confirm or deny this, other than to say that their
films are similarly awful. UPDATE:
I can now confirm Al Passeri is not Massimilano Cerchi.), this
Italian-made, Miami, Florida-lensed disaster (originally titled PLANKTON
and also known as PIRANHA 4)
contains nothing of value yet entertains with it's cheesy charms. A
train wreck has nothing on this. A Shriek
Show DVD Release. Not Rated, but CREATURES
FROM THE ABYSS contains several sex scenes along with the
ritual slaughter. Also starring Sharon Twomey, Loren DePalma and Ann
Wolf. While all three are great to look at, they have brains the size
of guppies.
THE
CROSS OF SEVEN JEWELS (1987) -
Try to keep up with me if you can. This film opens up with a robed
Gordon Mitchell presiding over a sacrificial orgy where women are
naked and getting whipped while other couples are just getting it on
(including a guy with a hairy back and a huge potbetty, bleech!).
Mitchell keeps asking for "Aborin" to appear and when it
does, it looks like something that would have resulted if Chewbacca
and a gorilla mated. The film then cuts to Marco (director Marco
Antonio Andolfi using the name "Eddy Endolf") meeting his
long-lost cousin Carmela in Naples for the first time in 20 years.
While they are walking down the street, a man on a motor scooter
steals Marco's necklace, which happens to be the title creation.
He acts like someone just stole his testicles and flags down two
police officers and they chase the man down, but he unfortunately has
passed the cross on to someone else. So leads us on a long journey
for Marco's search for his necklace as we learn bits and pieces why
it is so important to him. Marco soon finds out that the person he
thought was his cousin actually wasn't, which soon leads him down a
road which includes thugs, drugs, crime, the Mob and other very, very
bad things, all which are tied to the possession of the cross. And
what is Gordon Mitchell's role in all this? It's soon apparent that
the cross holds some mystical powers as Marco begins having
flashbacks, a naked wolf-man with hairy hands and an even hairier
face (but, strangely, hair no place else) begins killing people (they
melt when he touches them), and a Mafia boss snatches Marco and holds
him prisoner. Somehow, this all ties in to the sacrificial orgy that
was taking place in the beginning of the film. Good luck in piecing
it together. This obscure Italian hybrid, directed by one-time wonder
Marco Antonio Andolfi (who also supplies the cheapjack time-lapse
transformation effects), is one big jumbled mess but is all the more
watchable because of it. Mixing horror, crime, action, thriller and
supernatural genres, CROSS is a hard film to understand, even
if you pay 100% attention to it. The further you get into the film,
the weirder it gets, as you never know what direction it's heading.
One minute you're witnessing a man melting before your eyes, then you
see an acid trip-like flashback, then you are watching a Mafia drama
and then......Aargh! My head's spinning! There's a truth serum
interrogation, a stuttering mob informant, a
truly hilarious werewolf transformation (try not to laugh at the
absurdity of it all), a visit to a whorehouse, a love story,
exploding bodies and too many other things (including beastiality) to
mention. I'm still trying to figure out how the werewolf mysteriously
loses all his clothes when he transforms (just a tiny piece of cloth
hides his package) and then they magically re-appear when he changes
back. If you are going to watch this film, please proceed carefully
as a large number of you will not come out unscathed. I believe
that's my highest recommendation. This film would leave David Lynch
scratching his head. Also starring Annie Belle (HOUSE
ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK - 1979), Paolo Fiorino, Giorgio
Ardisson and Zaira Zoccheddu. I managed to snag a German subtitled
English-language copy of this film on DVD-R from a private collector
as it never had a legitimate release in the States. Not Rated,
as it is chock-full of sex, nudity and bloody violence, including
the death of a prostitute that contains all three elements. NOTE:
This film is titled THE CROSS OF SEVEN JEWELS (it's the title
on-screen) not CROSS
OF THE SEVEN JEWELS as what seems to be printed on all the
foreign VHS packaging I have seen.
DAMNED
IN VENICE (1978) - "When
the thousand years are over, Satan will be released from his prison
and will go out to deceive the nations in the four corners of the earth." -
Apocalypse, Book Of Revelations 20:7
Blind teenager Mark (Renato Cestie; one of the shotgun children at
the end of Mario Bava's A
BAY OF BLOOD - 1971) has a problem. Well, to be honest, more
than one. He keeps telling sister Christine (Rena Niehaus; BLACK
ANGEL - 1989) that he hears someone with a cane following
them, but Christine hears nothing, steadfastly saying, "First it
was visions, now you're hearing non-existent noises. It sounds like a
guilty conscience. Why don't you get a guide dog, then you could go
with him instead of me having to drag you around all the time!"
(Yes, she's a real class act). They are on their way to a funeral, as
we see during the opening credits
(music by Pino Donnaggio; DON'T
LOOK NOW - 1973; another film set in Venice), Mark and
Christine walking down the narrow cobblestone streets of Venice and
then taking a motor boat down one of the city's many canals. They
then meet their friend George (Fabio Gamma) and Christine wants to
know why he's going to the funeral, as she didn't know he knew the
late Mr. Garrett. "Funerals always bring out the Anglo-Saxon
wretches that are rotting here in Venice" is George's mysterious
reply and he tells Mark that he's not going to the funeral, he is
here to show a bunch of tourists around. Let's talk about Mark's
"visions". Once at the funeral, Mark is blinded (so to
speak) by a flash of bright light, where he "sees" (after
hearing a human heart beating) a nattily dressed man with a mustache
and holding a cane kissing a pretty woman dressed in a white gown,
while a Doberman stands guard near them and then starts eating what
looks like a human appendage lying on the ground. The couple looks
directly at Mark and then disappear in another flash of light. Mark
tells Christine that he saw the man with the cane in another vision,
only this time he wasn't alone, he was with a woman and they were
kissing. Christine is obviously pissed that she has to take care of
her brother and constantly is putting him down, this time asking him,
"You were frightened by two people kissing?" Mark tells her
no, this vision was different. The dog was eating a human hand and
the man looked at him and raised his cane, as if he were going to hit
him with it. Mark points in the direction he saw the vision and
Christine takes him there. It turns out to be the Winters family
crypt, relatives of Mark and Christine. Once again, Christine puts
down Mark, saying, "Ghosts kissing, dogs eating human hands,
you're crazy!" On the boat ride back home, Christine sees a man
with a cane standing on a bridge with a Doberman sitting at his feet.
She then turns and looks at Mark, not telling him what she just saw.
We then find out that Christine and George are engaged, but her
grandmother (Bettine Milne; HOUSE
OF CLOCKS - 1989), who accompanied them to the funeral, does
not approve. Christine asks George how he is going to support her
when they are married, as selling trinkets to tourists is not enough
money to make her happy (It seems Christine has a low opinion of all
men, not just her brother). Mark then tells them that he
"felt" the woman from his vision has just passed them in a
gondola and he begs George to go look (While Christine threatens to
send Mark to a school for the blind!). George looks out the window
and, sure enough, there is a mysterious cloaked woman in a gondola
who looks directly at George and smiles. George tells Mark he is
right and Christine says, "Marvelous, now you're seeing things
as well. It was bad enough when only Mark was having
hallucinations!" Why is this happening and why is Christine
being such a cunt?
We then see their grandmother talking to priest Father Christopher
(Jose Quaglio; THE EYE
BEHIND THE WALL - 1977), telling him that it will be over her
dead body if Mark and Christine (who we discover are American) will
go live with their Aunt Madeline and Uncle Martin, as their vacation
time is spent with her (Saying this about their Aunt and Uncle:
"My hearth is their home in Venice. As long as I am living, I
will not allow the children anywhere near that house!"). When
Mark and Christine arrive at the church, Granny chides them for being
late, Christine shooting back with, "Granny, I'd like to see you
if you had to play guide dog every time he wants to go out for a
walk!" (This bitch needs a good slap in the face!). Granny tells
them that their Aunt and Uncle want them to live in their house when
they are in Venice and Christine sarcastically says, "Oh, how
nice. The Winters have suddenly remembered we are still alive. What
an honor!" (Maybe a punch in the face would be better!). We then
discover that Mark and Christine's parents died in a "tragic
accident". We also discover that they will inherit a butt load
of money from their parent's trust, but only when Granny dies and she
tells Father Christopher that will be a long time away, if she has
any say in the matter. I think we all know what that means, since
this is partially a giallo film, Granny doesn't have much time left,
so let the killings begin!
Father Christopher reminds them to be at the Easter Midnight Mass he
is performing tonight for the Anglo-Saxon community. Once they are
there, Mark has another vision where the man points his cane directly
at him. When Mark gets up to take Communion, he accidentally knocks
over a candle, which sets fire to Granny, killing her almost
immediately (As she lies burning in the aisle, no one tries to put
out the flames!). At Granny's funeral, no one bothers to attend, not
even Aunt Madeline or Uncle Martin, but Father Christopher informs
Mark and Christine that they must now live with them and since they
are under the age of consent, there is nothing they can do about it.
Mark goes to visit Father Christopher, telling him that his Aunt and
Uncle are horrible people, but the good Father tells him a secret.
"In a storeroom in the Winters house, there's a well with magic
water. There was a time when people from all over the world would
come to the well. Cripples would just touch the water and they could
walk. The deaf would hear and the blind would see. The well is still
there, full of miracle water." Is this story a bunch of bullshit
to make Mark want to live at his Aunt and Uncle's house or is it true?
Mark and Christine make the trip to move into their Aunt and Uncle's
creepy boardinghouse. They knock on the front door and Uncle Martin
(Tom Felleghy; EYEBALL
- 1975) answers, but he doesn't know who they are or that they are
supposed to live there, but Martin lets them in when Christine
mentions Father Christopher's name. They then meet their Aunt
Madeline (Olga Karlatos; ZOMBIE
- 1979) and even she doesn't know who they are and what they are
doing there, but she shows them to their rooms, an evil look on her
face. As the kids walk through the boardinghouse, Christine notices
(as do we) that all the furniture are covered in sheets and the
building in a bad state of disrepair, with cracked walls, peeling
paint and a general feeling that Martin and Madeline are purposely
letting it get that way. What could this possibly mean?
Madeline shows Mark and Christine to their rooms and when she opens
a window, she says she always gets the feeling that someone is
watching. She then asks them if they would like to see the rest of
the house. Christine flatly says no, she has seen enough, but Mark
asks Madeline if she could take him to the storeroom and show him the
well. In the storeroom, Madeline shows Mark and Christine (who has to
go with Mark everywhere, whether she complains or not) a stain on the
floor, saying legend has it that the stain will get darker when
something terrible is about to happen (Madeline is a very dour woman,
much more than Granny ever was). She shows Mark the well, telling him
it has only been opened twice in her lifetime and she knows there is
no water in it. "They say so many things about it that just
aren't true." says Madeline, as she leads them out of the
storeroom without removing the cover to the well. Is Madeline telling
the truth?
Over lunch, Madeline makes a remark about how fruit rots so quickly
in this house and Christine shoots back, "Well, it would help if
you bought a fridge, but you'll need to do more than that to make
this place a success." (Permission to slap the shit out of her,
sir?). Martin tells Madeline if Christine wants to make changes, she
can go right ahead and do it, but why does Madeline mention a cholera
outbreak when she last tried to make changes? Martin serves wine to
the kids during lunch (only in Italy, folks) and when Mark tapes a
sip, he almost spits it out, saying it tastes like blood. Martin and
Madeline, along with Christine, leave the table, leaving Mark on his
own. He hears a woman moaning, gets up and then a chandelier falls on
the table, right where Mark was sitting. Is this a warning or is
someone (or something) trying to kill him?
Mark is not familiar with the house and the bitchy Christine won't
even show him where the bathroom is, telling Mark to find it on his
own. Mark feels his way to the bathroom and when he turns on the sink
to wash his hands, worms come out of the faucet (which he can't see).
He then has another vision, where the man stabs Madeline to death
with his cane. He rushes to tell Christine (Why???) and, once again,
she belittles him with a snotty remark. He tells Martin he saw
Madeline killed in Room 12, but Martin tells him that they are the
only ones in the house, there is no one in Room 12. Christine grabs
Mark and shakes him, but Martin stops her and leads Mark to Room 12
to prove to him no one is there. Where is Madeline when all this is
happening? Martin says she is in her room, as she always takes a nap
after lunch, but Mark wants to touch her to make sure she is OK. When
they get to her room, Madeline looks sick, Martin telling them she
has a weak heart and she gets like this from time to time. Madeline
grabs Mark, telling him to beware of "Whitsunday" (the
seventh Sunday after Easter, celebrated as a festival in
commemoration of the descent of the Holy Spirit on the day of
Pentecost) and not to allow anyone in the house until it is over. Are
those the ramblings of a delirious woman or is there truth in what
she is saying? All of this happens in the first 30 minutes of the
film, but what comes next blows everything that came before it out of
the water.
Madeline dies and Mark then meets neighbor Vicky (Gloria Bozzola), a
pretty young girl who works in a gallery next door (Vicky and a nun
are sitting over the body of Madeline on her deathbed, which I guess
is an Italian tradition). They become friends and we learn that Mark
lost his sight when he was six years old. Vicky takes him to the well
and they take the cover off it, discovering that there is water in
it. Before Mark can touch the water, he hears Martin talking to a
man, who says that the children must be left alone until the baby is
born. As Mark and Vicky are walking upstairs, Martin's body drops
before them, an apparent suicide from hanging. Mark doesn't believe
it, telling Father Christopher that the man Martin was talking to
made him hang himself. Mark then has another vision, where a deformed
hand reaches out to grab him from under the stairs and then the man
with the cane slashes him on the face. When the vision is over,
Mark's face is bleeding, but once again, Christine doesn't believe
him. George then comes to the house to help Christine clean it up,
hoping to pull in some boarders and make some money in the process.
Then really strange shit happens to Mark. A ferry he is on catches
fire and a stranger named Dan (Yorga Yoyagis; VAMPIRE
IN VENICE - 1988), who looks just like the man with the
cane, saves him. Since the boardinghouse is all cleaned up and ready
for residents, Christine offers Dan the room of his choice. What room
does he pick? That's right, he picks Room 12. Mark gets very nervous,
because Whitsunday is coming up and he remembers Madeline warning him
about not letting anybody in the house, but Christine doesn't care
(no surprise there), she now runs the boardinghouse. Dan tells
Christine that the bulb in his room is too bright and comes on to
Christine, borrowing her scarf to put over the lampshade (Christine
mentions to Dan that she saw him on a bridge with a dog and he
doesn't seem too happy about that). Christine tells Mark that it's
Whitsunday and his beliefs are "bullshit" when Mark
mentions to her about Madeline's warning. While Mark is searching
Dan's room, looking for something to convince Christine that
Madeline's warning is true, Dan walks in and a widow opens and
shatters on Mark's face, but he is unhurt. Mark begs Father
Christopher to take him away, but it is becoming obvious that the
good Father knows all about the evil plans for Mark and Christine. To
make matters even worse, Christine breaks up with George and becomes
Dan's lover.
It also soon becomes rather obvious that it is Dan's job to get
Christine pregnant so she can have Satan's baby, but can Mark stop
it, as his visions become more frequent and he can finally see the
truth? Mark "sees" Dan kill Vicky, but she turns up alive,
making Christine more of a bitch than she usually is, if that is even
humanly possible. Dan then leaves the boardinghouse, telling
Christine he is leaving Venice because of Mark's constant accusations
against him, but Christine is already pregnant (Father Christopher
knows about the pregnancy before Christine does. Now she can blame
her cuntly outbursts on the pregnancy!), but she denies Dan is the
father (She tells Father Christopher, "He can't be. I never went
to bed with him, if you know what I mean."). Christine marries
George and tells him that the baby is his (Even though she won't have
sex with him on their wedding night, telling him to wait until after
the baby is born!). Since we don't care what happens to Christine (I
haven't seen a more despicable person in a film in a long, long
time), the question becomes: Will Mark convince George of the truth
and will he get his sight back after drinking from the well? As the
stain on the floor gets darker, Mark tries to stay alive, even though
nearly everyone else is against him.
There is no doubt that this is a very weird film (a twisted and
thoroughly Italian take of ROSEMARY'S
BABY - 1968), but is it any good? It all depends on your
tolerance for broadly written characters and outrageous plot devices,
put there just to make the film weird, as hardly any of them advance
the plot. Even Christine's delivery of the baby, which we think will
be dangerous and deadly, happens matter-of-factly, as she is on a
ferry, has a stomach cramp and drops the baby on the spot (and since
it is the Anti-Christ, it's a boy they name Alex). Director Ugo
Liberatore, who is best known as a screenwriter (MILL
OF THE STONE WOMEN - 1960; JOURNEY
BENEATH THE DESERT - 1961; THE
TROJAN HORSE - 1961; THE WITCH
- 1966), working with a screenplay written by himself and Roberto
Gandus (NO WAY OUT - 1973; MACABRE
- 1980; MADHOUSE - 1981),
seems more interested in making the film as outrageous as he can,
rather than it making any sense and in that respect, it succeeds. But
even if I were blind, I wouldn't take the crap that Christine dishes
out (Hey, I had an older sister and I fully understand how bitchy
they can be, but, c'mon, Christine is a bitch with a capital
"C"!). She refuses to change one iota or believe a word
Mark says, even though she can see it is all coming true. And Mark?
He sees things clearer than anyone with 20/20 vision could ever
perceive! In those aspects, this film fails wildly, because even an
imbecile could understand what is going on here, but most of the
people in this film are worse than imbeciles, it's like they weren't
born with brains at all. So if you want to see weird for weird's
sake, by all means, you'll probably love this film, but if you want
coherence and a plot that's easy to follow, look somewhere else. Any
film by David Lynch will do because any one of them makes more sense
than this. About the only thing about this film I find memorable is
Pino Donaggio's haunting music score, a mixture of choral chants and
screaming violins.
SOME OF THE OTHER STRANGE SIGHTS ON VIEW (During the latter half of the film):
*A
church full of human heads in glass jars.
*Christine
turns the boardinghouse into a hooker hotel, using her female
friends as whores, telling them she doesn't care what they do, as
long as she gets her percentage.
*Drinking
worms and passing out.
*George,
who is a sculpts as a hobby, displaying his many spiked metal sculptures
*Father
Christopher falls off a ferry and is beheaded by its propeller after
performing an emergency baptism on Alex
*Christine
and George making love in front of Mark as he holds baby Alex.
*Vicky's
rotting corpse covered in worms and maggots.
*Alex
pushing a baby carriage containing Alex into a canal.
*A
naked Christine and her female friends killing George by pounding
nails into his face and using his sculpture tools to carve up his
naked body.
*A
Last Supper-like scene where Christine and her whore girlfriends
dance with a woman wearing an ape and skull mask.
*Mark
throwing Alex into one of George's spiked sculptures (The film's
standout scene that must be seen to be believed!).
*No
matter what Mark does to Alex, he always bounces back, no worse for wear.
*George
coming back as a ghost to warn Mark that "The son of evil has
made his kingdom on Earth."
There's
not one scene in the film where something weird doesn't happen. It's
a cornucopia of strangeness, something you don't see very often.
Shot as NERO VENEZIANO
("Venetian Black"), this film never received a theatrical
or home video release in any format in the United States, although
various gray market sellers offer it on DVD-R. I saw a nice
anamorphic widescreen print (dubbed in English) on YouTube. Just type
the Italian title in YouTube's search bar. Also starring Ely Galleani (LIZARD
IN A WOMAN'S SKIN - 1971), Angela Covello (THE
SLASHER...IS
THE SEX MANIAC! - 1972), Lorraine DeSelle (THE
HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK - 1979) and Florence Barnes. Not
Rated. I'm not certain if this would ever get a rating here in
the States due to its overall tone of hopelessness.
DANGEROUS
SEDUCTRESS (1992) - If you
liked MYSTICS IN BALI
(1981) and LADY TERMINATOR
(1988), then this film should be right up your alley. All three share
the same director (H. Tjut Djalil, using the pseudonym "John
Miller" here and using "Jalil Jackson" on others), the
same Indonesian locales and the same twisted logic that could only
exist in some alternate universe. This film opens up in Jakarta with
a car chase between three diamond robbers and a cop with a chip on
his shoulders. When the robbers' car crashes, dismembering one's arm
and another's finger and spilling buckets of blood on the local
flora, a model called Linda (Kristin Ann) witnesses the whole thing
and is questioned by police. In a scene that can only be described a
surreal, the dismembered finger walks to a hidden amulet (with a
mirror in it) which swallows it up, the blood dripping from the
plants is ingested by the amulet and the bones of a long-dead witch
(Amy Weber) begin to re-attach themselves. Not quite fully developed
(she only has one good arm and leg, the other two just skeletal), the
witch beheads a nosy dog and sucks out all it's blood. She is then
grabbed by the hands of Hell and pulled underground! Meanwhile, in
Los Angeles, Linda's sister Suzy (Tonya Offer) is being raped and
brutalized by her boyfriend. She phones her sister who tells her to
come to Jakarta to stay with her. Suzy goes to Jakarta just as Linda
is sent to Bali on a modeling assignment. Suzy finds a book of
Indonesian spells given to Linda by an expert on local legends. Suzy
recites one of the spells and brings the witch to her full-length
mirror. The witch possesses Suzy and soon she is dressing in sexy
clothing, picking up men and draining them of all their blood. She
goes back to the mirror, slits her throat and feeds the blood (it
comes out in a tidal wave) to the witch on the other side of the
mirror. The cop becomes suspicious and meets his death when Suzy
levitates his car in mid-air and blows it up. The man who gave Linda
the spell book shows up in the nick of time to save Linda and Suzy,
only to be sucked in the mirror. When Suzy opens the amulet, she sees
the demonic face of the man. THE END. That's the best I can describe
this delirious exercise which is part horror, part travelogue, part
dance film and part model posing. There's plenty of blood, as one man
is speargunned through the leg and pinned to a wall while Suzy slices
him with a fish hook, three other horny men are slaughtered by meat
hook and cleaver in meat locker and Suzy's abusive boyfriend (who
tracks her down) is hung by his ankles and sliced and decapitated by
flying shards of glass. It's all rather disjointed (just like LADY TERMINATOR)
and the English spoken could only come from the pages of Indonesian
writers who think this is the way Americans actually talk. That's
part of it's charm. Another is the little bits of lunacy that occur
throughout the film: The American diamond robber continuously
slugging his driver while being chased in the beginning of the film
is knee-slapping funny; the way the decapitated finger walks is also
hilarious; the jazz score during the robbery chase is definitely out
of place; the sex scenes have all the men still wearing their
underwear, and some of the effects are truly priceless, especially
the witch's reincarnation. This all adds up to a really weird
experience which all of us need every once in a while. One caveat:
The version on DVD released by Mondo
Macabro optically censors the female nudity by placing white
dots on nipples and ass-cracks. The version released on DVD-R
by Midnight Video does not
optically censor the nudity. It really doesn't hurt the film as
nudity is at a minimum, but one wonders why Mondo Macabro released
this version. American special effects artist Steve Prouty (TRUTH
OR DARE?: A CRITICAL MADNESS - 1986) was imported to do the
effects for the picture. They are memorable. Director Djalil has many
more Indonesian films that are ripe to be discovered. Someone should
release them. Any takers out there? Unrated for all the really
good reasons.
DEAD
INN (1997) - Existential horror comedy
about a funeral supply salesman named Bob Marley (Mark Miller, and,
no, he doesn't have dreadlocks) who makes his first delivery to the
creepy Hillcrest Inn, which doubles as both an Inn and a mortuary
(who the hell would stay there?), both run by the equally creepy Doc
(Edgar Allan Poe IV, and, yes, he is related) and his beautiful
granddaughter Billie Jo (Kerstin Steinback). Romantic sparks fly
between the nerdy Bob and cute Billie Jo (they both share an interest
in big hairy spiders) and Billie Jo talks him into taking a room at
the inn for the night. Trouble ensues when a quartet of escaped cons,
led by the dastardly Johnny Burns (Todd Kimsey) and his girlfriend
Kelly (Jessica Russo), pick the Hillcrest Inn to hide-out in for a
couple of days. It's apparent that Doc, who is a wheelchair-bound
paraplegic, welcomes the company of the criminals, as he begins
playing mind games with them using his black magic powers. One of the
cons, Jackson (Joey Covington), looks out a window and watches as two
zombies rise from their graves and sing "The worms go in, the worms
go out..." to him while they sway to the music. Johnny rapes
and kills Billie Jo (offscreen), beats the crap out of Bob and then
slashes Kelly to death with a strait razor when she disobeys him. Doc
and his wheelchair disappear, so Johnny sends his goons to find him,
while Bob brings Billie Jo's dead body down to the mortuary and
revives her with a magical white powder created by Doc. Bob is the
next to die when he challenges Johnny to a fight and loses (badly).
When Johnny discovers that Doc was just in the bathroom taking a crap
(!), Doc convinces Johnny and his gang to stay for a séance
that he holds for a bunch of old broads every week. Meanwhile, Billie
Jo has reanimated Bob with the white powder and they join the
séance, much to the surprise of a shocked Johnny. At the
séance, a possessed Billie Jo rips a Devil tattoo off of
Johnny's forearm and throws it on the middle of the table, where it
transforms into a lifesize skeletal Devil (complete with wings),
forcing Johnny and his gang to split up and flee into different parts
of the inn/mortuary. The first one to die is Pyles (Julian Chachula
Jr.), whose hands become possessed and he blows his brains out. After
chopping-up Pyles' possessed body with a machete, Hernando (Stuart
Barron) is killed by the skeletal Devil. Jackson tries to escape
through the graveyard, but is captured by some zombies and hanged by
his neck. Only Johnny seemingly escapes, but three months later, he
is gunned down and his car blown up by a gang that are the spitting
image of his dead comrades. A twist ending reveals that Johnny may
have gotten his hands on Doc's magic white powder. Doc has got some
'splaining to do! This half-baked horror comedy, directed by
Jim Goodman (his only feature directorial credit) and written by
Henry Lindley, has some effective scenes but is for the most part a
hit-or-miss affair, with more misses than hits. The standout
performer here is Edgar Allan Poe IV as Doc, who is creepy as hell
whether he is spitting out metaphysical dialogue or returning from a
particularly odorous bathroom break. The inn/mortuary is another
creepy plus, with its organic, vine-filled hallways and dusty air.
You can almost feel the chilly draft and choke on the musty air as
the characters navigate the building. The minuses, on the other hand,
are many, as most of the other performers couldn't act their way out
of a traffic ticket, there are too many comic sound effects (when
someone gets hit on the head, we hear birds tweeting, just like in
cartoons), and most of the dialogue goes way beyond metaphysical and
borders on pretentiousness (At one point in the film, Billie Jo and
Bob quote verbatim the lyrics of Meat Loaf's song "Paradise By
The Dashboard Lights" as they confess their love for each other.
I half-expected the Loaf to make a cameo appearance to wipe both
their brows with his sweaty doo-rag, but no such luck). There are a
few creative makeup effects on view, but most of the bloodshed is
purposely left out of camera range (Johnny's bloody demise is an
exception). There is also female nudity on view, but none of it is
very titillating (ahem) unless the sight of naked corpses turn you on
(You sick fucking bastard!). There is a nice topless scene towards
the end when a (very beautiful) girl rises from a lake and kisses
Johnny, but it, too, turns perverse very quickly. When all is said
and done, DEAD INN (also
known as ANOTHER
EVIL DEAD II: DEAD INN) can be best described as an
interesting failure. Filmed in North Carolina. Also starring Frankie
Rich, Rick Marshall and Chris Marshall. A Spectrum Films/Dead Alive
VHS Release. Not available on U.S. DVD, but a Spanish DVD is
available with English audio. Not Rated.
DEATH
LAID AN EGG (1968) - We
watch as people at an ultra-mod hotel go through their morning
routine (including a man putting a plastic bag over his head for
reasons unknown. Perhaps suicide?), where a man listens to a
prostitute talking "dirty" to her client in the room next
door. The peeping tom wants to see what is going on (he is listening
to the action through a vent in the bathroom), so he climbs off his
terrace and steps over to the next, staring through the blinds to see
the man (who is wearing black leather gloves) cut the prostitute's
throat with a sharp knife. That man is Marco (Jean-Louis Trintignant; THE
GREAT SILENCE - 1968), who is an executive at his wife
Anna's (Gina Lollobrigida; THE
HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME - 1956) poultry business, which has
just gone through a major automation rennovation, where automatic
feeding station and chicken-plucking machines have been installed in
a rather
large chicken farm (it looks like a large greenhouse, except with
thousands of clucking chickens, all neatly arranged in cages like
some hallucinogenic slaughterhouse of a zoo), resulting in a major
lay-off of all the workers at the farm, who stand in mass outside the
farm, throwing insults (and sometimes objects) at Anna, Marco and
Anna's younger (and pretty) cousin/secretary Gabrielle (Ewa Aulin; DEATH
SMILES ON A MURDERER - 1973). A large and heavy pipe wrench
falls from one of the silos, nearly beaning Anna on the head and she
blames the workers, but Marco tells her it was simply an accident.
Was it?
Marco is a very unhappy man; not only is he broke, living off Anna's
vast fortune, but he has been saddled with a new employee, Mondaini
(Jean Sobieski; PERVERSION STORY
- 1969), by the company's President (Conrad Anderson), who thinks the
business needs a marketing facelift to go along with the new
automation, telling Marco that Mondaini is a "marketing
genius." Mondaini is also the peeping tom at the hotel, who saw
Marco kill the prostitute. Marco is also madly in love with
Gabrielle, but she's the type of woman who judges a man by how much
money he has and since Marco has none, she sees no future with him,
saying to Marco, "Love is a luxury" (She's the typical
late-'60s golddigger, who lives in a pop culture world). One night,
Marco sneaks out of the bedroom (past a sleeping Anna) to have a
planned rendezvous with Gabrielle (whom he calls "Gabi", so
I will, too), but she is not in her bedroom. He hears noises coming
from the chicken farm, so he goes to investigate, seeing nothing but
the headlights of a car driving away. He accidentally knocks over
some glass tubing in the laboratory located in the chicken farm, puts
it back where he thinks it belongs and goes back to bed. This one act
will change Marco forever and how it does is quite ingenious.
The next morning, Marco asks Gabi where she was last night, as they
had agreed to be together. She tells him she had a splitting
headache, so she went looking for her pills, forgetting where she put
them (an obvious lie). Marco goes back to the laboratory and finds a
scarf (that wasn't in the lab last night when he was there) that
contains strange symbols printed on it that Marco can't decipher, but
he becomes obsessed with it and stuffs it in his jacket pocket. A
scientist (Biagio Pelligra; ROME:
ARMED TO THE TEETH - 1976) enters the lab and tells Marco
that someone broke into the lab last night, saying that if anyone
messed with the top secret experiment he is working on, it could mean
the extinction of the next generation of chickens and the end of
Anna's poultry empire. Marco tells him he will look into the matter
and leaves the laboratory, meeting Gabi at an open-air cafe. He
notices she is wearing a scarf with the same strange symbols on it
and shows her the one he took from the lab, asking her if she knows
who it belongs to. Gabi says she got hers from Anna's wardrobe
closet, she always borrows her clothes, but she has no idea where the
scarf in the lab came from, telling Marco he should talk to his wife.
We can see that Marco's mind is unravelling, as we see his thoughts
as rapid-fire images (a remarkable editing job by this film's
co-writer, Franco Arcalli [BLACK JESUS
- 1968]). We see a burning overturned car with a dead body lying next
to it, as a woman with a bloody face walks towards the camera;
numerous close-ups of chickens (Man they are ugly birds, especially
when you see them this close!); numerous shots of traffic on the
highway and numerous other images, all showing us how badly Marco's
mind is deteriorating and how he is about to snap. The turning point
comes when Marco discovers Gabi is having a love affair with
Mondaini, Gabi telling Marco that Mondaini is young, handsome and
successful (i.e. he has money), all the things Marco isn't. When
Mondaini shows Marco his ideas for the new marketing campaign, where
cartoon chickens are dressed like humans and doing human things (like
going to cocktail parties), we can see that Mondaini is pushing Marco
past the breaking point, but is he doing it on purpose? Damn right he
is! (The marketing campaign is hilariously bad, but very humorous in
its execution!). Rather than killing Mondaini right there and then,
Marco makes a trip to the ultra-mod hotel, pays the hotel manager
(Giulio Donnini; DANGER: DIABOLIK
- 1968) to pick out a prostitute from the hotel bar that meets
Marco's criteria and give her a key to his room, where Marco murders
her with his knife while wearing black leather gloves, all of which
he keeps in his business briefcase.
Anna throws a party at her mansion, where Mondaini comes up with the
idea to clear out a room of all its furnishings and belongings so
that it is just a room with four white walls and nothing else; he
then has two people, a man and a woman, go inside the room and close
the door; not to come out until they discover the true meaning of
"love" (It's a strange game but it makes sense in a very
perverse way!). For some people. it's a rather quick experience, as
they come out either smiling or crying, but when Gabi and Mondaini
spent too much time in the room for Marco's liking, he throws a fit
and the party ends. After everyone leaves, Anna finds an envelope
with her name on it and when she reads the note inside, it's her turn
to have a fit. The note tells her that Marco is a serial killer of
prostitutes and details his exploits at the hotel. Anna asks Gabi who
would write such lies about her husband, but Anna is asking the wrong
person. That's right, Gabi and Mondaini are not only lovers, they
plan on murdering Anna and Marco so Gabi can inherit Anna's fortune
and the "world will belong" to them. The note was just the
first step to turn Anna against Marco to make their deaths look like
a murder/suicide by cop, but will they be successful?
In what has to be the films best WTF?!? moment, we see the new
generation of chickens hatch and Marco is disgusted to see to see
that they are living headless and wingless chickens (!!!) with very
little bone structure that grow quickly without being fed (!!!!!!).
Both Anna and the scientist who created them are quite pleased,
saying this will revolutionize the way chickens are raised and
marketed and it means a fortune will be made for Anna's business
since she owns the patent. Marco is outraged, saying these
abominations go against God, so he destroys the headless/wingless
wonders (that look like pulsating brains with chicken legs!). Marco
gets chewed-out by the company President, so he quits, thinking this
is his chance to start a new life, but first he makes one last trip
to his favorite hotel. He doesn't know that Gabi has talked Anna into
dressing like a prostitute and confronting Marco in his regular hotel
room, Room 724, which he rents out on a monthly basis. Anna pays the
hotel manager to phone her with the next day and time her husband
will be using Room 724. When that day comes, Marco finds Anna dead in
Room 724, her throat cut by Mondaini, who goes to work with two huge
scratch marks on his face, put there by Anna, who was fighting for
her life, but lost the battle. Gabi phones the police and tells them
to go to Room 724 immediately; they will find a murdered woman and
her killer there. What Gabi and Mondaini (as well as us) don't
realize is things were never what they seemed to be. When the police
arrive at the hotel and tell the manager that someone reported a
murder in Room 724, all of Marco's previous "victims"
appear and laugh, telling the Police Inspector (Aldo Bonamano; DEEP
RED - 1975) that it's all a weird "game" played by
"a nice man who wouldn't hurt a fly" (One prostitute says,
"I was murdered in that room at least four times this
month!"). That's right, Marco never murdered anyone, it was all
a sex game between him and the prostitutes; he paid each of them a
large amount of money to play along with him (Which is why, if you
think about it, there were no stories or reports of a serial killer
being on the loose). When the police enter Room 724, it is empty;
Marco has put Anna's body in his car and is driving to the chicken
farm, looking to dump her body in the new industrial chicken food
grinder and getting rid of her body without a trace of it being left
for the police to discover. I'm not going to tell you how the film
ends. Let's just say that nearly everyone gets their just desserts
and the ending will make you think long and hard about what the next
generation of chickens may look like. The final image will not only
make you laugh, it will also make you think. This late-'60s
semi-giallo is a groovy happening that will blow your mind!
Directed and co-written by Giulio Questi, who the year before gave
us the surreal Gothic Spaghetti Western DJANGO
KILL! (IF YOU LIVE SHOOT!) and whose only other feature film
was the little-seen supernatural horror tale ARCANA
(1972; look for a review soon), this film belongs in a genre I like
to call "Pop Culture Horror"; films released in the
late-'60s that were full of colorful set designs, fashions and ideas
that could have only come from that time period (see my review
for A QUIET PLACE IN
THE COUNTRY - 1968). You may not understand a lot of it,
especially if you never survived the late-'60s as I did, but you will
never be bored, as Questi and co-writer Franco Arcalli (who co-wrote
and edited all three of Questi's feature films) fills this film with
images delivered in jackhammer style, making things quite ordinary
(such as highway traffic, billboards and the outside of the ultra-mod
hotel) seem dangerous and extraordinary. Questi's pop art sensibility
really shines here, as does Bruno
Maderna's music score, which is not music in the general sense,
but rather a cacaphony of sounds, such as cymbal crashes, breakage
and other noises signifying Marco losing his grip on reality. It's a
shame that Questi didn't make more films, but I can guess that as the
1960's ended and everything started to change (for the worse),
including the way we look at sex, drugs, love and war, Questi lost
interest in making films, turning his attention towards television
until his death in 2014 at the age of 90. And we are all the worse
off for it. Believe me, I have only mentioned about ten percent of
what actually happens in this film, but I will say this: After
watching this film, you may never eat chicken again. This is a
classic of its short-live genre; a film, that once seen, is never forgotten.
Shot as LA MORTE
HA FATTO L'UOVO ( a literal translation of the review title)
and also known as PLUCKED
and A
CURIOUS WAY TO LOVE, this film obtained a U.S. theatrical
release (albeit edited of some 16 minutes, which has become
known as the "Giallo Edit") by U.M (Universal-Marion) Film
Distributors, Inc and was given a self-applied X-Rating (even though
there is very little nudity or violence in this film). Shortly
thereafter, U.M. edited out even more footage and released it under
the PLUCKED title, where it garnered an R-Rating from the
MPAA. Surprisingly, there were no legitimate VHS or DVD releases in
the United States, but many gray market companies, such as Desert
Island Classics and Rogue Video,
released it on DVD-R,
using the 88-minute Giallo Edit as their master. In 2017, Cult
Epics released a beautiful Blu-Ray,
but it was still the 88-minute version. If you have an All Region
Blu-Ray player, British outfit Nucleus Films offers the full
104-minute version on Blu-Ray
for the first time anywhere in the world. This 2018 release also
contains the Giallo Edit and a load of other extras (including Giulio
Questi's final interview). The Giallo Edit is also available
streaming on Amazon Prime in a beautiful anamorphic widescreen print
in Italian with English subtitles. Prime also offers the
English-dubbed version, but since I love to watch films in their
original language, I skipped looking at it (a cursory glance revealed
that it was in widescreen). A widescreen English-dubbed print is also
available streaming on YouTube from user "Edgar Ville".
Also featuring Renato Romano (SEVEN
BLOOD-STAINED ORCHIDS - 1972), Vittorio André (CALTIKI,
THE IMMORTAL MONSTER - 1959), Margherita Horowitz (SUSPIRIA
- 1977) and Ugo Adinolfi (KILL
THEM ALL AND COME BACK ALONE - 1968). The chemistry between
Jean-Louis Trintignant and Ewa Aulin is palpable since they both
starred in director Tinto Brass' DEADLY
SWEET the previous year. Not Rated, but even though
there is very little female nudity (Still, Questi has a predeliction
for displaying naked female and male flesh, just not in the places
you want to see, including extreme close-ups of Marco's acne-ridden,
sweaty back!), the overall tone of the film would probably earn it an
R-Rating, even today.
DELIRIUM
(1972) - I am constantly fascinated and surprised with the films
of director/screenwriter Renato Polselli (THE
VAMPIRE AND THE BALLERINA - 1960; THE
MONSTER OF THE OPERA - 1961/1964; THE
TRUTH ACCORDING TO SATAN - 1972; MANIA
- 1974), who, once again, uses the Anglicized name "Ralph
Brown" here. I also have to reassess my opinion of
actor/bodybuilder Mickey Hargitay (BLOODY
PIT OF HORROR - 1965), as I usually found him very vanilla,
but in Polselli's films he turns in psychotic, eye-bulging
performances that are quite surprising and extremely enjoyable to
watch. Some would say
his performances border on delirium and I would not disagree with
them, because in this film and Polselli's BLACK
MAGIC RITES (1973), made back-to-back with many of the same
actors and behind-the-scenes personnel, Hargitay is a joy to behold;
his face so expressive and violent it will bring a sly smile to your
face. So let's get to the psycho-sexual giallo film at hand, which is
available in two versions: The original Italian cut and a shorter
edit for American audiences (because, you know, we need protecting!),
shorn of nearly 20 minutes of footage with outtakes not used in the
Italian version to pad it out. I will be reviewing the longer Italian
cut, but at the end of this review I will tell you how it differs
from the American edit.
We see criminal psychologist/police consultant Dr. Herbert Lyutak
(Mickey Hargitay; LADY FRANKENSTEIN
- 1971) eyeing a pretty young girl in the Red Garter Bar, as she is
dancing in a short miniskirt to some funky music playing on the
jukebox (this film's unusual music score is supplied by Gianfranco
Reverberi; DJANGO,
PREPARE A COFFIN - 1968). He hears her tell her boyfriend
over the phone that she doesn't know where the nightclub he is
performing at is located, so Herbert tells her he knows where it is,
it is near where he lives and offers her a ride, which she gladly
accepts. Big mistake. As he is driving, the girl begins to get
nervous at the way he is staring at her thighs, so she tries to lower
her skirt (good luck trying that with a miniskirt!). She also notices
that they are on a deserted back road and begs Herbert not to hurt
her, but he grabs her crotch and refuses to let go. Herbert then
stops the car and tells the girl to get out and run away as fast as
she can because he doesn't want to hurt her. She takes his advice,
jumps out of the car and begins to run away, but Herbert's lust gets
the best of him and he runs after her, catching her in a shallow
river, where he tears off her clothes, puts his hands around her neck
and then beats her to death with a tree branch.
A short time later, Police Inspector Edwards (Raul Lovecchio; BLOOD
AND DIAMONDS - 1977), his assistant Willy (William Darni)
and police officer Richard (Max Dorian; KIDNAP
SYNDICATE - 1975) are at the crime scene with Herbert, who
is helping the police with a series of vicious murders of pretty
young women, whom are found dead and naked, but not sexually
assaulted. The police are completely unaware that the killer is
actually Herbert, but is he the only serial killer at large?
Apparently not, for as Herbert is helping the Inspector with his
investigation, another young woman is viciously assaulted and killed
in a phone booth at a park, the exact same method used by Herbert!
The police pull in four men from the area who have no reason for
being in the park at night and one man, John Lacey (Tano Cimarosa;
director of the giallo film REFLECTIONS
IN BLACK - 1975), looks guilty as hell, but he tells the
Inspector that he used the park grounds to take a shit (!) and he can
collect the "evidence" on the ground where he dropped it
(He also has blood on his shirt, which he tells the Inspector is from
a nose bleed. That must have been one violent shit!). Lacey is
arrested, but is soon let go for lack of evidence (we never find out
if he actually pinched a loaf!), the Inspector assigning Richard to
follow and keep a close eye on him.
We then discover that Herbert is impotent and his loving wife,
Marcia (Rita Calderoni; A QUIET
PLACE IN THE COUNTRY - 1968), is still a virgin! She has an
inkling that her husband is the serial killer, but she loves him so
much, she is willing to overlook it! Marcia also has violent
nightmares, where she and housekeeper Laurel (Cristina Perrier),
along with Herbert's niece, Joaquine (Christa Barrymore), have
lesbian sex in a dungeon, while Herbert is chained up and forced to
watch them, having some type of conniption fit as he watches his wife
go at it with two other women (We know that Laurel is also a little
unhinged, as she graphically masturbates while she secretly listens
to Herbert and Marcia proclaim their love for each other!). The past
two days have been so busy, Herbert forgot to give his wife a card he
wrote for her for their anniversary, so he hands it to her. The card
says that he thinks they should separate because he is impotent and
it is not fair for her since she is a wife and still a virgin! Marcia
tells Herbert no, she still loves him and he can do anything he wants
to her, fully aware of his violent sexual tendencies. He begins
kissing her and her moans of pleasure make him put his hands around
her throat and begin choking her. He then turns her over on her
stomach, pulls a circular metal object out of a lockbox (I tried
several times to find out what the object was, with no success. It
looks like a sharp metal dildo!), slices her back with it and then
sodomizes her with it! When he realizes what he is doing, he stops
himself, looks in the mirror and says, "Enough, Herbert! You are
a hyena! Hyena!" Marcia keeps telling Herbert, "I love you!
You can do anything you want to me! I love you Herbert!" Herbert
can't face himself another day, so he comes up with a way to get
caught in the act of killing a young woman. He phones the Inspector
and tells him he has created an extensive "metereopsychic"
profile of the killer (What??? Does this actually exist???) and that
he knows where the serial killer will strike next (at the park), so
all he has to do is put a female cop as a decoy and wait for the
killer to strike. The Inspector agrees and puts the plan into action.
What Herbert doesn't know is that Marcia heard the phone call.
Needless to say, none of this is going to go down that way it was planned.
The female cop used as a decoy is Miss Heindrich (Katia Cardinali;
Polselli's HOUSE
OF LOVE...THE POLICE INTERVENE - 1978), who was once a
patient of Herbert's. While the Inspector, Willy and Richard keep a
close eye on Miss Heindrich, they don't notice that John Lacey is
also in the park. As Herbert approaches Miss Heindrich, fully intent
on killing her, another prostitute in the park is murdered by someone
wearing a gorilla mask (!), spoiling Herbert's plans. They all rush
to the crime scene after hearing the woman's screams and see the
prostitute's naked dead body, but Miss Heindrich sees the murder
weapon on the ground and takes it before the Inspector can see it (or
so she thought). Later that night, Miss Heindrich phones Herbert's
house and talks to Marcia, telling her to have Herbert call her as
soon as possible, she found something on the ground that she
recognized and she wants Herbert to see it before she turns it over
to the Inspector. Later on, someone wearing black gloves and wielding
a whip, enters Miss Heindrich's apartment and begins whipping her and
ends up drowning Miss Heindrich in her own bathtub (It has the bluest
water I have ever seen!), using the whip's handle to masturbate Miss
Heindrich as she dies! When the Inspector and Willy get to Miss
Heindrich's apartment, they find her naked and dead on the bathroom
windowsill and when Willy goes to collect her body, it falls a couple
of floors to the pavement below (if she wasn't dead, she is now!) and
the Inspector chews-out Willy for not being careful.
John Lacey followed the killer from the park back to a secret
entrance to Herbert's house in the basement. He watches the killer
try to murder Laurel (with a hotshot of morphine and then being
gassed with propane! There is also a quite graphic masturbation
sequence that will make many people uncomfortable). Joaquine locks
Lacey in the basement, but he gets free, turns off the gas and calls
the Inspector from Herbert's office. The Inspector puts a trace on
the phone call when Lacey refuses to tell him where he is, only
saying that he has proof that will free him. Herbert comes home and
sees a note on the door written by Joaquine saying that she trapped
someone in the basement. A fight breaks out between Lacey and Herbert
and Lacey is knocked out and arrested by the Inspector. Laurel is
still alive (thanks to Lacey) and may be able to finger the serial
killer, so the Inspector lets Laurel stay at Herbert's house under
his care until she wakes up. A short time later, Laurel disappears,
making Marcia and Joaquine very nervous. Is it possible one of these
women is also the copycat serial killer, murdering young women to get
the heat off Herbert? Count on it! The final denouement is a
cacophony of hysterics, something that is better seen than explained.
It involves someone swinging a mace and someone getting impaled in
the chest by a metal rake, as the Inspector and Willy try to find a
way into Herbert's house.
That basically explains the Italian cut, but let's get to the differences between the Italian and American edits, which are quite substantial.
*The Italian cut runs 102 minutes. The American version runs 85 minutes, shortening some scenes and replacing others completely with scenes that ended up on the cutting room floor.
*In the American version, it opens with footage of the war in Vietnam, as we watch Herbert smash a Cong soldier in the face over-and-over with the butt of his rifle. Herbert is then shot in the groin, put on a helicopter and is put under the care of nurse Marcia. They then fall in love with each other. It helps explain his impotency and why they love each other, something that is missing in the Italian cut. The film then continues with the opening of the Italian edit in the Red Garter Bar, only the whole sequence is much shorter and the dialogue is different. The young girl's murder is also shortened of some graphic nudity.
*The phone booth murder is much shorter.
*The line-up sequence is shorter, cutting out two British bobbies (The Italian version takes place in London, but the American cut wants us to believe it is some small town in the U.S., but the presence of the red wooden phone booth tells you differently!). It also eliminates Lacey's "taking a shit" remark.
*Marcia's nightmares are longer and her back slicing and sodomy by metal dildo are missing. Also missing is Herbert's "Hyena" dialogue. It is replaced by, "That's enough! That's enough! Do you hear?!?" and when he looks in the mirror, he has 'Nam flashbacks.
*Miss Heindrich's decoy sequence is cut differently and is much shorter; many scenes are missing and we get a clearer look at the gorilla mask the killer is wearing.
*Miss Heindrich's death is also cut differently, but her bathtub water is still amazingly blue! No masturbation with the whip's handle, either.
*In the Italian version, Herbert picks up a schoolgirl named Florence (actress unknown) whom he lets escape. In the American version, he murders her.
*A new character is introduced in the American version: Joaquine's sister and Herbert's niece, Bonita (Carmen Young). Herbert tells Bonita that he wants her to play a phone prank on Marcia and when she calls her on the phone, Marcia listens in horror as Herbert kills Bonita by suffocation, putting a plastic bag over her head!
*The
finale is completely different (I like it better than the Italian
version). One character dies differently at the barrel of the
Inspector's gun. The ending is one for the books: We see Herbert
dying on the helicopter in Vietnam and everything we have just
witnessed was all in Herbert's mind, proving you could live a full
life in a blink of an eye!
(A very interesting take on Ambrose Bierce's AN
OCCURRENCE AT OWL CREEK BRIDGE - 1962).
*There
are many more differences, but the above were the most noticeable.
Mickey Hargitay supplied his own voice in the American edit and his
thick Hungarian accent will make you yearn for Schwarzenegger's clarity!
To hell with linear storytelling, if you like films that are as far
off the wall as they can get, there is no one better at it than
Renato Polselli. He seemingly lived on another planet completely
different than ours, which are why his movies are as far removed from
reality as they can possibly get. But this is his strength, not a
weakness, which is why his films are such a trip to watch. Don't come
looking for common sense, because you will be disappointed. Be
prepared for the strange, so just sit back, relax and take it all in.
No need for a controlled substance here. This is the filmic
equivalent of THC and you'll be laughing in no time, whether you want
to or not. You won't be able to control yourself. And that's the
genius of Renato Polselli.
Shot as DELIRIO CALDO
("Hot Delirium"), this film got a U.S.
theatrical release from a small outfit called Romatt Releasing
(I never heard of them, as this was their only U.S. theatrical
release). This never had a VHS release in the States, so ignore IMDb
when they say it had one from Academy
Entertainment. As usual for IMDb, it is a mistake. Academy
released a 1979 film called DELIRIUM
(a.k.a. PSYCHO PUPPET),
an action/thriller directed by Peter Maris. A DVD
followed from Anchor Bay Entertainment in 2002 and then a DVD
from Blue Underground
in 2008, both who offered the two edits on one DVD. There have been
no upgrades since then, but if you cannot find the DVD, be aware that
YouTube has both versions from a user named "Giallo Realm".
I suggest you watch them as soon as possible because that user often
finds himself in "YouTube Jail" (I think you know why).
Also featuring Marcello Bonini Olas (PSYCHOUT
FOR MURDER - 1969), Stefano Oppedisano (NIGHT
OF THE DEVILS - 1972) and Stefania Fassio as the unfortunate
first victim. Raul Lovecchio, who portrays Inspector Edwards, was
also a minor pop star in Italy who went by the singular name
"Raoul". He sings the manic song "How Many
People", which closes out this movie over a series of
photographs of the film's sex scenes (It is the same on both edits)! Not
Rated.
THE
DEMON LOVER (1976) - This film
gained notoriety over the decades, thanks to the excellent
documentary, THE DEMON LOVER DIARY
(1980), which showed the behind-the-scenes bickering and
back-stabbing that went into making this independent no-budget film,
but the sad fact is the actual film is a chore to sit through, as it
is badly acted and the technical credits (photography, lighting,
sound, editing and music) are all sub-par. This was the first
directorial credit for the late Donald
G. Jackson (ROLLER BLADE
- 1986 [and its many increasingly-inferior sequels];
HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN
- 1987 [and its many increasingly-inferior sequels];
ARMAGEDDON BOULEVARD
- 1998), who shares directing/producing/screenwriting chores with
Jerry Younkins, who never made another film thanks to the experience
of making this one. The film opens with black magic practitioner
Laval Blessing (Christmas Robbins, who lost a finger prior to making
this movie, which is why he wears a strange leather glove-like object
on his left hand) calling forth a demon, which slaughters Pamela (who
wakes up from a nightmare, grabs the keys to her AMC Gremlin and
drives it to the middle of the woods while still wearing her
nightie!) and drags her bloody body through the forest. The film
switches to earlier that night (it doesn't state so, but after
watching the film a few times, it's the only thing that makes sense)
to a party at Laval's castle, where a guy who looks just like Frank
Zappa lets the sarcastic Damian (Val Mayerik) into the house. Damian
complains about everything he sees (except the two overweight and
ugly people doing the Bump in the living room while generic rock
music plays), while Laval tries to talk Damian's girlfriend, Pamela,
into joining him in a sexual magic ritual (both Laval and Pamela are
sitting in a pyramid-like tent set-up in one of the upstairs
bedrooms!). Pamela freaks-out in front of everyone and we learn that
this is not only a party, it is also one of Laval's regularly
scheduled coven meetings, where he imparts nuggets of wisdom (and a
little black magic knowledge) to his followers while he has sex with
the female members. Only this time Damian and the rest of the coven
(who all have last names of well-known comics artists, horror
directors and cult personalities, like Gould, Corben, Ormsby, Romero
and Ackerman) are having none of Laval's nonsense and want to stop
the orgies and pseudo-supernatural shenanigans. Damian doesn't
believe Laval is the real thing, so he leads Pamela and the rest of
the coven out the front door in a mass exodus (but not before Laval
slaps Damian across the face with his gloved hand and ominously says,
"You mess with the bull, you get the horns!"). Laval
decides to get even with his followers, so he performs a ritual in
his black magic room (complete with a pentagram on the floor, a huge
crucifix with a human head attached to it on the wall and a totally
nude woman sprawled and writhing on the floor!) and calls forth a
horned demon (David J. Howard, in a ridiculous get-up) to kill all
those who mocked him at the party. The demon has no choice but to
follow Laval's orders, but it warns Laval, "I will kill you! I
will kill you!" after all the partygoers and coven members are
dead. When Pamela's body is found torn apart in the woods, Detective
Frazetta (Tom Hutton, who is simply a horrible actor) begins
interviewing Pamela's friends, beginning with Elaine Ormsby (Linda
Conrad), who refuses to cooperate and is shortly killed by her friend
Janis Romero (Kathy Stewart), who becomes possessed after Elaine
kills her with her own possessed car (This is getting confusing!) and
she bloodily tears Elaine apart when Elaine tries to
drive
her to the hospital. Damian has a "gut feeling" that Laval
is involved (No shit, Sherlock!), while Detective Frazetta and his
wife seek advice from Professor Peckinpah (TEXAS
CHAINSAW MASSACRE's Gunnar Hansen in a useless cameo), an
expert on the occult. Damian phones-in an anonymous tip to Detective
Frazetta that he must talk to Laval, so Frazetta drives to Laval's
castle and interviews him (Laval [when he realizes Frazetta is
a cop]: "I quit using that stuff two years ago!" Frazetta:
"Hey, I don't care if you drop Bufferin in your tea!").
When the rest of the girls are slaughtered by the demon at a pot
party, the guys and Detective Frazetta head to Laval's castle, where
everyone dies except Frazetta (he goes mad) and the demon keeps his
promise and kills Laval before disappearing in a puff of smoke.
I won't prattle on-and-on about how bad this film really is. That's
already a given. There are sequences here which serve no other
purpose than filler, such as the sequence where Laval goes to karate
class and then immediately thereafter gets into a (very badly
choreographed) bar fight with a bunch of patrons (the whole sequence
seems to be inserted to stroke Christmas Robbins' ego), the scene
where Garrett Adams (Michael McGivern) and his male friends stiff a
gas station attendant out of $5.00 or the scene where Susan Ackerman
(Susan Bullen) and her female friends get stoned and have a whipped
cream fight with cans of Readi Whip. There are scenes of bloody gore
(pitchfork through the neck, throat rippings, axe to the back, Alex
Redondo [Phil Foreman] stabbing himself in the chest over-and-over
with a dagger, and the film's highlight, where Paul [the guy who
looks like Frank Zappa] is shot in the groin with a crossbow bolt and
he writhes and screams in pain on the floor while his friends just
stare at him!), but they are so badly filmed, they lack any impact.
Co-director Donald G. Jackson
made a career out of churning-out junky, cheap, fractured films like
this right up to his death in 2003, so THE
DEMON LOVER is a fitting debut. Also starring Sonny Bell,
Carol Lasowski and Jan Porter. It should be noted that no one in this
film (besides Gunnar Hansen) ever appeared in another movie. That
statement should speak volumes. Originally available on VHS from Unicorn
Video, Regal
Video, Inc. and Premiere Entertainment Group, all using the title THE
DEVIL MASTER. Also known as COVEN
and MASTER OF EVIL. An unauthorized DVD was issued by pirate
outfit Televista, so the less said about it, the better. Rated R.
THE
DEMON'S ROOK (2013) - Say what
you want about this film: The plot is incoherent. The acting is worse
than bad. It has the look and feel of a cheap 80's film (but, to me,
that's not a problem). The sound recording is all post-synch. But
I'll be damned if I wasn't entertained for the film's entire 103
minutes and was never bored. And it can all be chalked-up mostly to
one-man wunderkind James Sizemore (in his feature film debut), who
stars, directed, co-produced (with Tim Weis, who also worked in many
capacities here), co-wrote (with Akom Tidwell, who, like Weis, also
worked in many capacities), did the extremely gory make-up effects,
was sound designer, composed some of the music, and even designed the
film's poster art! Not bad for a first-timer. The plot is convoluted,
but I'll try to explain the film's main points: A
young boy named Roscoe (Emmett Eckert) is visited nightly by a demon
named Dimwos (John Chatham), a creature from another dimension with
big horns sticking out of his head who speaks to Roscoe in a language
we can't understand. Roscoe's only friend, Eva (Grace Kilgore), is
the only one who believes him about being visited by Dimwos and his
art teacher Barbara (Melanie Richardson) has some psychic connection
to Dimwos and the only way she can get him out of her head is to draw
pictures of him and other demons (I know, I don't understand it,
either!). One night Roscoe's parents are killed in their beds (all we
see is their burned indentations in the mattress) and Dimwos tells
Roscoe to go down a red hole in the ground, where something happens
to Roscoe (but more about that later). Years pass and an adult Roscoe
(Sizemore, who looks like Jesus Christ) emerges out of the hole
barefoot and shirtless, with only tatters left as pants. He steals a
camper's backpack and finds a pair of jeans and a shirt that fit him
perfectly (what are the chances?) and heads to his parent's home,
which is now abandoned and empty of most furniture (except a lamp!).
It's apparent that Roscoe has gained some supernatural powers with
the time he spent in the hole, because all he has to do is raise his
hand and the light goes on. He then starts to remember what happened
with all the years he spent in that hole. Dimwos teaches him the dark
ways and says such mindbending things to him like, "Each of us
were raised in dark wombs." and "You will become Master of
the Three Vessels". They speak to each other in that strange
language (which is now English subtitled) and as Roscoe grows older,
he asks for more power, which Dimwos gives to him by breathing
something into his mouth. Big mistake. Roscoe ends up shattering the
three vessels, which each held a demon with extraordinary evil powers
and one of the demons rips off Dimwos' head. And they followed Roscoe
out of the hole and are now walking the Earth. It first starts to go
wrong when one of the demons, Ogrom (Josh Adam Gould), turns
Barbara's soon-to-be fiancé (also played by Gould) into a
mutant creature called Owrefewl, who chows down on his three friends
(this is where the film becomes extremely gory) and then goes after
Barbara, who manages to keep him away for a while by drawing more
pictures, but he eventually gets to her and bites a healthy chunk out
of her neck, killing her. Another demon, Rolmortus (Dustin Dorough),
possesses the campers (the ones who Roscoe stole the backpack from)
and they start killing each other in gory ways (the hardest part to
watch was the guitar player strumming the strings so hard that his
fingernails tear off!), including neck-snapping, rock bashing, slit
throats and one girl cutting open her stomach until all her innards
fall to the ground. The third demon, Valurga (Sade Smith), the only
female demon and the most powerful, raises a bunch of zombies from a
graveyard and the first thing they do is attack a grown Eva's
(Ashleigh Jo Sizemore, real-life wife of James Sizemore) father,
tearing him apart and eating his intestines, while Eva pulls out a
rifle and shoots one of them in the head (a POV shot of Eva through
the giant hole in the zombie's head), but these are not ordinary
zombies because head shots don't kill them and they chase Eva, who
manages to jump in her pickup and escape. She nearly runs over Roscoe
and, at first, can't believe it is him until he mentions something
from their childhood that only the two of them would know (It has to
do with a clear marble that Eva gave Roscoe as a child, which he then
hid behind a brick in his attic. Don't try and make sense of it, just
go along!). Roscoe takes Eva back to his parents' house and
psychically explains what happens to him during his missing years
simply by touching hands (which also includes Roscoe being forced to
drink a gross bubbling pea soup-green liquid out of the ground to
give him powers and make him more passive in this other dimension,
while Dimwos teaches him the ways of being the Master of the Three
Vessels and obeying the "Dark Mother", which we never see).
Eva is now on board to try and destroy the three demons. Meanwhile,
Valurga finds two bow hunters walking in the forest and
possesses one of them, who then shoots four arrows into his friend's
chest and then stops two girls in an SUV (One of them is his
girlfriend. What are the chances?), shoots an arrow in one girl's
chest, killing her, and then shooting an arrow into the other girls
foot, pinning her to the ground while the zombies tear her apart (one
bites her in the neck and stretches her skin like it was a piece of
cheese before it snaps off!). Roscoe defeats Ogrom after the demon
enters a house party (where everyone is yelling "Cake! Cake!
Cake!") and makes three party girls strip naked and kneel before
him. Roscoe uses his supernatural
powers
to make Ogrom's head explode. There is much more gory fun on view
(including Valurga possessing everyone at a barn band party where a
band called "Bovine Fantasy Invasion" [actually a real band
called "El Fossil"] is playing and is probably the film's
non-stop gory highlight as dozens of people kill each other in
various graphic ways) as Roscoe shares his powers with Eva (the same
way Dimwos shared his with Roscoe) to battle the final two demons,
but unfortunately it is not a happy ending for our couple (although
it does end up being rather romantic). I won't say any more because
you should experience this film for yourself. It is clear James
Sizemore and his small crew (nearly everyone, including the actors
and technicians, do double, triple and more duty both in front and
behind the camera) were working with a small budget (it was filmed on
weekends over a two year period in Moreland, Georgia), but the
unrated gore for the most part is extremely well done (although some
of the blood spurting does not match up with the wounds) and the
makeup effects for the demons and the zombies are terrific (Sizemore
was self-taught and learned effects from watching tutorial videos).
The whole film plays like some fever dream and makes very little
sense, but once you get past the prologue with the young Roscoe, you
won't care, as it is a non-stop barrage of blood, gore and body
parts. Faces are ripped-off, innards are lovingly displayed and
eaten, heads explode and appendages yanked-off. The story is so
convoluted that you'll be scratching your head if you think about it
too much, especially the part where Owrefewl finds Roscoe's clear
marble behind the brick and drops it to the floor. The final shot has
the camera panning on that marble, so it must represent something,
but damned if I could figure it out. The only problem I really had
with this film is the sound (Due to noisy generators and the lack of
proper sound equipment, the film's sound work had to be done entirely
in post and within Sizemore's basement). Some of the dialogue is
recorded so low that you have to turn up the volume and then it
suddenly gets so loud, you have to turn it down again. You'll find
yourself doing this several times during the film, but, for the most
part, the dialogue is minimal and the majority of the film is just
non-stop killing. There are some funny inserts during the film's
final credits showing various animals eating the flesh of the
victims, zombies and dead demons and a final shot of a cat licking
the bloody fingers of the film's only surviving member (but I'm not
going to tell who it is) after the credits end. For a first feature
film, James Sizemore does a bloody good job, but he really has to
write a coherent screenplay the next time, not that I'm complaining
about this one. It is about as strange as a film can be and still be
enjoyed for all its old-school special effects (no CGI here). Highly
recommended for lovers of bizarre and extremely gory films. Also
starring Chris Crofts, Zoe DuChamps, Marla Haras, Megan Joyce, Brian
Morton, Elizabeth Murphy and Fritz J. Noble as Eva's father. A
Tribeca Film/Cinedigm DVD Release. Not Rated and proud of it.
DEMON
WITCH CHILD (1974) -
Proving that the Italians didn't corner the market on churning out EXORCIST-"inspired"
rip-offs during the 70's, here's a wonderfully out-there Spanish
clone that has to be seen (and heard) to be believed. That it comes
from the director of the four BLIND
DEAD films (1972 - 1975) just makes it all the more insane.
The film opens with ugly old hag Mother Gautère (Tota Alba; INQUISITION
- 1976) walking down the aisle of a church (the filmmakers like this
scene so much, they play it twice in a row!) and destroying the area
in front of the pews by overturning the candle holders and destroying
the furniture. She then steals a holy chalice out of a cabinet and
leaves a lit candle at the feet of an odd-looking statue, which looks
to be a cat-like creature with horns sticking out of its head (Hey,
what kind of church is this?). We then see Father Juan (Julián
Mateos; THE COLD EYES OF FEAR
- 1971) discussing the theft of the chalice with Police Commissioner
Barnes (Ángel del Pozo; HORROR
EXPRESS - 1972), where Father Juan mentions that the lit
candle left at the base of the statue could be taken as a sign of
black magic. Mr. Barnes replies that the only deviltry going on is of
the human kind and asks the good Father if he believes in such
mumbo-jumbo. Father Juan believes this theft is related to a male
baby who was kidnapped recently, but Mr. Barnes scoffs at such a
connection, stating the
baby was probably stolen by a mad, childless woman. Mother
Gautère also left a piece of root behind when she was in the
church, which Father Juan calls the "Root of Magic" and
tells Mr. Barnes that he believes something Satanic is going on. Mr.
Barnes assures the Father that the baby will be found and that the
chalice is probably in the hands of some unscrupulous antiques
dealer. Mr. Barnes asks Father Juan not to make his views public,
because the citizens are already on edge with the kidnapping. Mr.
Barnes says that he will pick up old hag Mother Gautère, who
is supposed to be a witch, to see if she has any information to offer
("I'll wring it out of her!"), not knowing that Mother
Gautère is actually the culprit in both stealing the chalice
and kidnapping the baby. We are then briefly introduced to Mr.
Barnes' young, barely teenage daughter Susan (Marián Salgado; NIGHT
OF THE WALKING DEAD - 1975; who supplied Linda Blair's voice
in the Spanish-dubbed version of THE EXORCIST!), who will
become an integral part of the film. The Police Chief (Fernando
Sancho; SWAMP OF THE RAVENS
- 1974) arrests Mother Gautère (who is doing a Tarot Card
reading), but she says her "Master" will protect her. As
they are driving away, a nameless young gypsy witch (Kali Hansa; THE
SINISTER EYES OF DR. ORLOFF - 1973) curses the Police
Commissioner, the Police Chief and the entire police force. The Chief
sweats Mother Gautère, even bringing in the missing baby boy's
mother to beg, "For the love of God, my lady, return my son to
me!" Mother Gautère callously replies. "Shut up,
bitch! Don't you call me your lady and don't invoke your God. You'll
never see him again. He'll be sacrificed to the Great Master!"
(Well, so much for being innocent!). As the missing boy's mother is
dragged away still pleading for her baby's life, the Police Chief
threatens to use truth serum on Mother Gautère to get her to
tell him the location of the baby, but she tries to commit suicide by
jumping out the window and landing on the pavement below. Even though
she is bleeding profusely from her head, she is still alive and taken
to the hospital. The young gypsy witch gives Susan an evil-looking
idol, which she hides in her teddy bear. She also gives Susan a
cursed necklace and as soon as she puts it around Susan's neck, her
happy-go-lucky attitude suddenly changes, and when her nanny, Anne
Crawford (Lone Fleming; IT
HAPPENED AT NIGHTMARE INN, a.k.a. A
CANDLE FOR THE DEVIL - 1973), who is in a park with her
fiancé, newspaper reporter William Grant (Daniel Martin; DEVIL'S
KISS - 1976), asks Susan where she got such an ugly
necklace, Susan blurts out, "You're horrible! You're pigs! You
let him do dirty things to you! You're both filthy dogs!" (That
may be the truth, but did she have to be so blunt?). Later that
night, Mother Gautère dies in the hospital and we see her
ghost rise from her hospital bed and travel to Susan's bedroom, where
she enters Susan's body while she sleeps (This is all done using
double exposure photography, but this simple technique works well
here and it is very creepy). An invisible force pulls the bed covers
off of Susan (who is still asleep) and she levitates in the air (If
you look closely at the wall behind Susan, you'll be able to figure
out how this effect was achieved). Mr. Barnes is surprised that Susan
didn't say goodnight to him before she went to bed, so he goes to her
bedroom and gives a sleeping Susan a kiss on the cheek, but when he
leaves, we discover that Susan was only pretending she was asleep, as
she wipes off his kiss with her hand in disgust, while the eyes of
the idol in her teddy bear glow red. We then watch as the young gypsy
witch performs a satanic ritual with her faithful flock of Devil
worshippers. She orders Susan to "Come, come, come,
imeeeeediately!" and Susan rises rises from her bed in a
trance-like state, where she walks to the ritual, kneels before the
gypsy witch, renounces God and all he stands for and puts her faith
in Lucifer (The gypsy witch pronounces her the "Princess of the
Old One"). When members of the flock demand proof that Susan is
telling the truth, Susan transforms into a miniature version of
Mother Gautère (complete with thinning, white stringy hair and
rotten teeth), pulls out the kidnapped baby, plunges a dagger into
the child and fills the stolen chalice with the baby's blood, which
members of the flock take turns drinking. Suddenly, lighting strikes
and it starts to rain, so the flock scatters, as we watch the
possessed Susan chowing-down on the baby's dismembered arm! The next
morning, the Barnes family maid, Helen (billed here as "La
Pocha", but is actually actress Julia Saly; NIGHT
OF THE WEREWOLF - 1980), delivers a tray of breakfast to
Susan in her bedroom and when Susan knocks the tray from Helen's
hands and yells "Bullshit!", she is admonished by Anne, so
Susan says to her, "Why don't you suck your boyfriend and leave
me alone!" (Kids say the darndest things, don't they?). Anne
reports Susan's behavior to her father and at the same time, a bunch
of schoolchildren discover the mutilated corpse of the missing baby.
When Susan sees Father Juan in the park, she bluntly asks him if he
has a girlfriend and does he have sex with her. When Father Juan (who
looks puzzled that a girl so young would ask him such a question)
replies that men of the cloth have to resist such urges, Susan says,
"Either you're a goddamn queer or impotent!" and runs away
(Kids, you gotta love 'em!). Father Juan has a flashback when he was
younger and was in love with a beautiful girl named Esther (Maria
Kosty; EXORCISM - 1975;
another Spanish demonic possession film). He tells her that he can no
longer see her romantically because he has decided to become a priest
and walks away, leaving her crying, something he still regrets to
this day. He decides to search for Esther to see how she is doing.
Meanwhile, the entire town is in turmoil, because it is obvious that
the mutilated baby was killed after Mother Gautère died, but
they decide to dig up her body, douse it with gasoline and set it on
fire. What they didn't expect was that the dead body of Mother
Gautère would scream as it burns into ashes. Even more
surprised is the Barnes household, as they watch Susan slithering on
the floor like a snake and moving objects (like closing a door) with
just a wave of her hand. Mr. Barnes calls in a doctor (Fernando
Hilbeck; LET
SLEEPING CORPSES LIE - 1974), who tells Mr. Barnes that Susan
spoke to him in several languages, a few of them he never heard
before (Mr. Barnes is shocked, as he tells the doctor, "Susan
couldn't even memorize a few French words when we brought in a
tutor!"). The doctor ends up strapping Susan to a table and
sedating her, as he calls in Father Juan for some possible help. Even
though the doctor doesn't believe in the rites of exorcism, he wants
to keep the good Father handy in case his scientific methods don't
work. Helen finds the evil idol in the teddy bear (all the furniture
in the room moves when she picks it up) and she gives it to Anne, who
in turn gives it to William to do some research on since he is a
reporter. Father Juan finally locates Esther, only to discover that
she has turned into an alcoholic whore. Esther blames Juan for what
she has become (Jesus, can it get any worse? Why yes, it can!).
William tells Mr. Barnes to have his police force keep watch on the
house because he feels that someone may be out to kidnap Susan (Boy,
has he got it wrong!), while Susan, who now speaks in Mother
Gautère's voice, nearly breaks Anne's wrist when she tries to
remove the necklace from her neck. Susan then calls William on the
phone using Anne's voice and asks him to meet her in the park, while
the real Anne goes to the church to ask Father Juan to perform an
exorcism, which he will only agree to do when all scientific methods
fail and he gets permission from his superiors. Susan, who has once
again transformed into a miniature Mother Gautère,
spider-walks upside down the outside wall of the Barnes' household
and strangles a policeman who is keeping watch on the house. In the
film's most WTF?!? scene, Susan kills William in the park and then
cuts off his balls (!), taking them with her and putting them in a
small giftwrapped box with a nice bow on top. Once William's
mutilated body is found, Father Juan believes an exorcism is in
order, but the Police Chief has a recording of Anne calling William
(not knowing it was actually Susan) and brings Anne into the police
station, accusing her of murdering her fiancé. Susan shows up
at the police station and gives Anne the giftwrapped box and when
Anne opens it and discovers William's testicles and screams, everyone
now believes an exorcism is in order. Father Juan learns that Esther
committed suicide, leaving a note addressed to him blaming him for
her taking her own life (which is a cardinal sin). Will Father Juan
be able to perform an exorcism since he may have lost his faith?
Susan steals a baby for sacrifice, so Mr. Barnes, Father Juan, Anne
and the entire police force try to stop Susan, the gypsy witch and
her flock from sacrificing the baby for their
Dark
Lord. The Police Chief shoots and kills the gypsy witch as her flock
scatters, but Susan escapes with the baby into a graveyard. Father
Juan is knocked off his feet by Susan's powers, but when she comes in
close for the kill, Father Juan presses his crucifix on her forehead,
which burns the sign of the cross into her skin. Father Juan performs
an impromptu exorcism, where Susan tries every trick in the book to
defeat him (even speaking in Esther's voice), but the exorcism works
and Susan is finally free. Unfortunately, one of the sharp stones in
her necklace has impaled her heart and she dies in her father's arms.
Oh, well. Win some, lose some. Believe me when I say there is
never a dull moment in this film. Director/writer Amando De Ossorio,
who also made FANGS
OF THE LIVING DEAD (1969); NIGHT
OF THE SORCERERS (1973); THE
LORELEY'S GRASP (a.k.a. WHEN
THE SCREAMING STOPS - 1973), as well as the aformentioned four BLIND DEAD films,
fills this flick with unbelievable dialogue (the things that come
out of Susan's mouth are priceless) and some bad-taste violence.
While there isn't much gore and most of the violence is off-screen,
De Ossorio films it in such a way that still makes you wince. One you
see Susan eating a baby's arm, you will never forget it (it is filmed
in a long shot, so you will have to freeze-frame the scene and really
take a look) and, while we don't see Susan cut off William's
testicles, it is filmed in such a way that still makes us feel
uncomfortable. We watch Susan bent over William, who is lying on the
ground, and see her slice "something" over and over between
his legs and then wrap it in a hankerchief, so just watching a child
castrate a man is creepy all on its own. De Ossorio (who passed away
in 2001), went on record to say that he hired Marián Salgado
to portray Susan just because she supplied Linda Blair's voice in the
Spanish-dubbed version of the film which was the inspiration for this
movie, which is also known as THE
POSSESSED, and she does a good job here portraying a
possessed young teen who says some things that really make you laugh
and cringe at the same time. It is apparent that the people
responsible for the English dubbing were having a good time recording
the dialogue for this film, as many of the lines are read in such an
overwrought manner (especially the woman who dubbed the young gypsy
witch), that you will have fun with the entire film (One totally
hilarious scene has Father Juan conducting a children's choir, where
all they do is sing, "Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na" over
and over!). This is one of the better demonic possession films of the
70's (sometimes for all the wrong reasons) and is a good addition to
your library. Originally released on fullscreen VHS (as THE
POSSESSED, which Anglicizes all the Spanish actors' names)
from All
Seasons Entertainment and then on fullscreen VHS (as DEMON
WITCH CHILD) from Simitar
Entertainment. Code Red offers this film on a double
feature DVD (ingeniously paired with director Charles Nizet's
sublimely weird THE POSSESSED!
- 1974) in a beat-up 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen print, with plenty
of emulsion scratches and missing frames which cuts off some of the
dialogue, but the print is still highly watchable and reminded me of
viewing these types of films in grindhouses during the 70's. If you
look close enough, you will see a full-length poster of David Cassidy
hanging in Susan's bedroom. Even though most reference sources list
this film as being made in 1975 or 1976, the closing credits list it
as a 1974 production. Also starring Roberto Camardiel, Maria
Vidal, Ernesto Vanez, Lucy Tiller, Paquita Trench, Monty Prous and
Beatriz Villasante. A Code Red
DVD Release. Rated R.
DEVIL
FETUS (1983) - In this wild and
crazy Hong Kong horror film, a woman named Shu Ching buys a strange
jade vase at an auction (it looks like a small demon straddling a
giant penis), brings it home, places it next to her bed and, that
night, she begins fondling it like a sex toy and starts getting
horny. Before she knows it, the vase has turned into a slimy,
worm-infested demon,
who fucks her brains out. When her husband comes home from a
six-month business trip and finds Shu Ching using the vase as a
dildo, he smashes it into tiny pieces, only to have his face become a
maggot-infested decaying piece of flesh. When he looks in the mirror
and sees what he has become, he kills himself by jumping through the
bedroom window. It's not long before Shu Ching discovers she is
pregnant ("I feel disgusting!"), which is not good
considering her husband's time away from home. Her husband comes back
from the dead to haunt her and, after turning into a black cat (!),
he kills Shu Ching by knocking her off a staircase. End of story,
right? Not by a long shot. A priest has a vision of a monster baby
bursting out of Shu Ching's corpse during her funeral, so he tells
her family (including her mother, a sister and her husband and two
bratty nephews) that Shu Ching and her husband are wandering spirits,
but he is able to stop their wandering by placing magical protective
parchments in their bedroom and tells them that if the parchments
aren't disturbed for twelve years, they will rest in peace for
eternity. Fat chance that is going to happen. Nearly twelve years
pass and one of the nephews, Kent Chong (Eddie Chan), has returned
home after after winning one of his many sword-fighting competitions
(he's very handy with a rapier). Kent falls in love with a young
woman named Juju (Shirley Lui), who is staying with the Chong family.
Juju accidentally touches the protective parchments in the bedroom,
the parchments burst into flames and the Chong's guard dog, Boby,
ingests the ashes of one of the parchments. Boby attacks Kent and
Juju, forcing Kent to kill Boby with a sword (Kent's mom blames the
attack on her husband, saying that he always fed the dog chili!). Now
things really get strange. Kent's brother, Wei, is possessed when he
buries Boby in the back yard, later digging up the dog and eating its
corpse! While driving home one night, Ma and Pa Chong think they have
hit a woman who looks exactly like Shu Ching, but when they get out
of the car, no one is there. When they get home and
park
the car, it suddenly has a mind of it's own and runs over the
Chong's butler. A possessed Wei tries to drown Juju in the family
pool and then rapes and strangles the family maid. Only Granny Chong
(Ouyang Sha-Fei) seems to understand the gravity of the situation and
hires an elderly white-haired priest to fight the evil. What happens
next is better left for the viewer to discover, as describing it in a
review would simply not do it justice. Needless to say, there's
plenty of mind-warping sights on view and a few "What The
Fuck?!?" moments that will leave your head spinning (if not
detaching from your body and flying through the air). Like most
Hong Kong supernatural and horror-themed films of the 70's &
80's, DEVIL FETUS doesn't
make much sense, but, by god, it is never boring. I'm sure a lot of
the plot is lost to cultural differences and bad translation (the
English subtitles are hilarious), but the film is a delirious mix of
horror and martial arts genres. There's cannibalism (and dog-eating);
a gooey death by crushing when the walls of a sauna close-in on Pa
Chong (Ho Pak-Kwong); an arm reaching out of the grave and stretching
like rubber to grab a frightened old priest; plenty of wire work;
cheap opticals where Wei shoots laser beams out of his eyes; lots of
reverse and stop-motion photography; worm-puking (a Hong Kong
staple); and even a few scenes of nudity. Director Lau Hung Chuen (A
CHINESE LEGEND - 1991) keeps everything moving at a brisk
pace, even when you're not sure what the hell is going on. My only
complaint is that the version I saw, which was sourced from the
fullscreen Ocean Shores VHS tape, cuts off the subtitles on both the
left and right sides of the screen and seems to edit out much of the
dog-eating scene and nudity, especially Wei's rape of the maid. Those
are small complaints considering what is still left on view (You want
flying heads? The finale has more than it's fair share.). Also
starring Gam Wing Cheung, Lau Dan and Leung Saan. Fortune
Star has released an uncut widescreen print on DVD and there is
also a widescreen VCD available from both Media Asia and Delta Mac. Not
Rated.
DEVIL'S
EXPRESS (1975) - For years I
have been searching for a good-looking copy of this film, after
watching EP-Mode VHS abortions under its alternate title GANG
WARS, but I was never able to find one. All those tapes were
so dark and dingy, it was impossible to make out what was going on in
the underground scenes. But now, finally, specialty genre label Code
Red has come up with a print on DVD that is so crisp and clear, you
get to see the entire weird film without squinting, warts and all
(and there are plenty of warts). The film
opens in China 200 B.C., where a bunch of monks lower a wooden crate
into a large hole after attaching a large gem amulet on the top of
the crate. It is obvious that the amulet was put there to keep
whatever is in the crate from escaping. The leader of the monks then
kills all the monks and slits his own throat so no one can ever tell
where the crate was hidden. Cut to the present in New York City,
where martial arts teacher Luke (Warhawk Tanzania, here billed as
"War Hawk Tanzania"; FORCE
FOUR - 1974, his only other film) is teaching police
detective Cris (Larry Fleishman) the finer points of kung-fu while
beating the snot out of him (Luke, who doesn't care for the police,
was once saved by Cris from certain death, so he feels he owes him),
when they are interrupted by Luke's student/best friend Rodan
(Wilfredo Roldan, in a performance that has to be seen to be
believed). Rodan tells Luke that there will soon be a war between the
black gangs and the Chinese gangs because of what he did to one
Chinese guy at a card game earlier that day. Luke is happy that he
and Rodan are taking a trip to China (by way of Hong Kong) that night
to brush-up on their kung-fu skills with a Chinese grandmaster. When
they get to China (actually the Brooklyn Botanical Garden!), Luke is
being taught the finer arts of martial arts by the Master, while
Rodan finds the giant hole and removes the gem amulet (which he nows
wears as a necklace!) and they both head home to New York City.
Meanwhile, a demon breaks out of the crate and takes over a Chinese
businessman (played by Aki Aleong, a popular Asian actor who has
appeared in hundreds of films and is still going strong today) and
the possessed businessman takes a slow boat from China to New York
City (How do we know the businessman is possessed? Why he has his
eyelids painted like ping pong balls! The clearness of the DVD
affords us to see it.) When the demon businessman makes it to New
York City, he finds that he/it cannot stand the light (never mind
that everyone on the street doesn't give a damn that he looks like a
monster!), so he heads for the nearest subway and hides out in the
tunnels. He sheds his businessman skin (the film's most effective
scene) and is now a full-fledged demon. Rodan and a friend make
a deal with a cocaine dealer for a brick of cocaine, but they are
then ripped off by members of a Chinese gang in retaliation for what
Rodan did at the card game. The demon then kills his first victim (a
businessman who misses his subway train, portrayed by late I
DRINK YOUR BLOOD [1971] director David E. Durston, who hears
a young girl cry "Help me!" in the tunnel and goes to
investigate) and Cris and his new partner Sam (Stephen "Sam"
DeFazio), who is really wet behind the ears, look at the mangled
body, while a cop pukes and a priest (portrayed by Brother Theodore,
but more on him later) gives the body the Last Rites. Sam offers a
theory so out there that no one could take it seriously: When the
subway tunnels were first created, it released a bunch of mutated
dogs and cats, who probably still roam the tunnels today.
Unfortunately for Cris, a newspaper reporter is at the scene and
hears Sam's theory and it makes front page news the next day (which
pisses off Cris and Sam's boss). As more and more people are being
slaughtered in the tunnels (including a rapist who is about to
sexually assault a woman) and Rodan continues his war against the
Chinese gangs (he steps on one gang member's neck until he spits out
that bright red blood that was so popular in 70's films), Cris and
Sam are flummoxed as to what can be causing these deaths (Cris
actually begins to believe Sam's idiotic theory!). When Rodan is
killed by the demon, Luke blames the Chinese gang, so he goes on a
one-man war against the Chinese (in a gold lamé jumpsuit!),
until the leader of the gang convinces Luke that their gang was not
responsible for Rodan's death. He takes Luke to an old Chinese wise
man (in makeup so bad, you can actually see the crease marks,
something you could never see in the VHS versions), who tells Luke
that the demon is after the gem amulet (Luke now has it in his
possession). If the demon gets its hands on the amulet and destroys
it, he/it will become immortal and nothing will ever be able to stop
it. Luke does the only natural thing that a sane person would do: He
goes down into the subway tunnels and challenges the demon to a
fight, but the demon does not fight fair, first appearing as Luke's
girlfriend (Elsie Roman), then splitting into two separate twin
fighters and then turning invisible, hitting Luke with invisible
punches and kicks. Luke finally gets the upper hand and destroys the
demon (thanks to the amulet) and then gives it to the old Chinese
wise man, who takes a slow boat to China to return it to its natural
place. At the hospital, Cris, Luke's girlfriend and Sam congratulate
Luke on a job well done and Sam makes an old reference to a 40's song
and the film ends! While this has some of the worse martial
arts fights ever committed to film (you can clearly see about 75% of
the punches and kicks thrown miss their targets by a country mile),
this is just such a weird film, you cannot help but like it. Director
Barry Rosen only directed one other film, YUM
YUM GIRLS in 1976, but he has been working in other
capacities on films and television, including Line Producer on the
cult item HIGHWAY TO HELL
(1991) and Producer of the 1992 - 1993 season of the TV series HIGHLANDER.
Personal fave Brother Theodore (GUMS
- 1976; NOCTURNA -
1978) is basically wasted here in what amounts to a three minute
cameo (he improvised all his lines) as a priest who hangs out at
subway entrances, but he still manages to give one of my favorite
quotes of his when he warns people not to go into the subway:
All
the great spiritual leaders are dead ... Moses is dead ... Muhammed
is dead ... Buddha is dead ... and Im not feeling so hot
myself! Brother Theodore (rest his soul) was such an expert at
absurdist intellectual humor that he was a favorite guest on the
late, lamented David Letterman Show for years (look for his
appearances on YouTube) and always had me howling with laughter in my
seat while his type of humor went over most of the audiences' heads
(but not Letterman's). Theodore had a one-man show on Off-Broadway
for years and I went to see him a couple of times. He never
disappointed and I would always leave the show with a splitting
headache from laughing so hard. The rest of the actors in the film
are what we call "semi-professionals" although the bag lady
(Sylvia Mann) who roams the subway cars yelling out antedotes about
the passengers is a hoot (she was also the mother of this film's
cinematographer, Paul Glickman; GOD
TOLD ME TO - 1976). The standout is Wilfredo Roldan (VELVET
SMOOTH - 1975, which also co-stars this film's Moses Illiya
and Elsie Roman) as Rodan, who shouts out every line he is given and
becomes unintentionally comical in a good way. When he is killed, the
film loses some of its charm (luckily it is late in the film). The
demon makeup (by Lowell Patton and David Wood) is pretty good for
such a low-budget affair (it was filmed in two and a half weeks) and
you can see it much more clearly in this DVD presentation than in any
version of the VHS you may have (and it's 1.78:1 Widescreen
Anamorphic, to boot). It took five people (including Rosen) to write
the screenplay to this mess of a film, but as a cult item, you could
do a lot, lot worse (Besides, it gives you a nolstalgic feeling on
how the streets and subways [which was 50¢ at the time!] of NYC
looked back in the 70's). The blood and gore may be sparse, but when
it does show up, it is effective. The Code Red DVD offers both
trailers for the film. The trailer for DEVIL'S
EXPRESS plays up the supernatural angle, while the one for GANG
WARS totally omits any mention of a demon in the subway and
was definitely made to appeal to martial arts fans (a lot of people
seem to think these are two different cuts of the film, but they are
wrong). This is one film where I can honestly say to throw away all
those crappy VHS tapes and try to find the Code Red DVD version (like
all things Code Red, it may be hard to find). This is an entertaining
throwback to the 70's where anything could be mixed together and form
a nice tasty stew. Also known as DEATH
EXPRESS. Also starring Moses Illiya (as Rodan's partner in
crime, who gets killed when he and Rodan are ambushed by members of
the Chinese gang), Tsikagi Tanzania (as the Chinese grandmaster), Tom
Chapogas (as the rapist), Matt Forbes (as the reporter) and Jack
Yates as the Demon. A Code Red
DVD Release. Rated R.
DIGGIN'
UP BUSINESS (1990)
- This is the type of film no actor in their right mind would
put on their credit sheet. Not that it
would matter as it is populated by a bunch of has-been or washed-out
thespians using their paychecks to supply themselves with enough
booze or cocaine until their next job offer comes along. Get a load
of this cast: Ruth (LAUGH-IN
[1968 - 1972]) Buzzi, Murray ("The Unknown Comic")
Langston, Billy ("Don't call me midget!") Barty, Gary
("I can't get my hand off my ear!") Owens, Yvonne (Batgirl)
Craig and Linnea ("Just Linnea") Quigley. You would think
that with a cast like this the film would hold some camp value, but
the sad fact is that this is such a lame, juvenile comedy that all
you feel is sadness and pity for all those involved. The pathetic
plot involves a funeral parlor employee (Lynn Holly Johnson, a long
way from ICE CASTLES
[1978]. Hell, it's a long way from ALIEN
PREDATOR(S)
[1985].) who needs immediate capital to fix discrepancies in the
parlor's books. She comes up with a plan of performing
"specialty" funerals which will bring the funeral home out
of debt. A corpse is shot out of a cannon to fulfill his last wishes.
Another cadaver dances one last soft shoe with his old vaudeville
buddies. A dead stripper pops out of a cake for her final exit. It
sounds funnier than it is. Lame jokes include a heart attack victim
literally kicking a bucket, the burning of a sled called
"Rosebud" and many more well-worn dead jokes. It must of
had a rocky production history as two directors are listed. Mark
Byers (TUNNELS - 1989) is credited
for the original version and Tom Pardew (who also stars) is credited
for the final version. Mr. Pardew is a better director than actor and
that's not a compliment. Watch Tony Richardson's excellent 1965
funeral black comedy THE LOVED ONE
to see how it should be done. You'll have more fun going to an actual
funeral than watching DIGGIN'
UP BUSINESS. A Monarch Home Video Release. Rated PG
so don't expect to see anything disgusting.
DINNER
WITH A VAMPIRE (1989) -
This is another TV movie directed and co-written by Lamberto Bava as
part of the 1989 Italian TV mini-series BRIVIDO
GIALLO ("Thrilling Giallo"), which also included GRAVEYARD
DISTURBANCE (1988), UNTIL DEATH
(1988) and DEMONS
III: THE OGRE (a.k.a. THE
OGRE - 1989). This may be the best film of the bunch, but
that's not saying much, especially if you survived watching all four
films in one sitting as I did. Picking my favorite among the four
films is akin to picking out your favorite spicy pepper. They all
burn your mouth (and stomach), but you have to pick the one that
did the least damage (especially when it exits your body!). I only
picked this film as my favorite because I wasn't throwing my hands in
the air in exasperation over people doing idiotic things every five
minutes. This film made me do it every ten minutes.
In the 1920's, a movie crew is filming in a castle when they
discover a sealed-up crypt of a vampire. The director tells his
cameraman not to stop shooting (on an old hand-cranked movie camera),
as he and two crewmembers enter the crypt and break the seal on the
vampire's tomb, who is nothing but a skeleton. Of course, one of the
crewmembers cuts his hand when opening the tomb and drips blood on
the skeleton, causing it to quickly take human form (stop-motion
animation supplied by effects pro Sergio Stivaletti; WAX
MASK - 1997). The vampire rises from his tomb (the director
says, "Keep shooting! Keep on shooting! We don't want to miss a
thing!") and kills all of the movie crew, beginning with the
cameraman. Fast-forward to the present, where the vampire, Jurek
(George Hilton; ALL
THE COLORS OF THE DARK - 1972), is a famous director of
horror films, getting the blood he needs to survive by holding
auditions for his films and inviting the winning actors back to his
castle for dinner and rehearsal, where he puts the bite on them. We
are then at the most recent audition, where a group of aspiring
actors (Jurek only uses novice actors for his films so they won't be
missed) wait in the rain for their turn to audition. When to door
finally opens, everyone comes in and does their best auditions. It
should be noted that Jurek is not at the auditions. He depends on the
advice of his right hand man Matteo (Stefano Sabelli; MEAN
TRICKS - 1992; Umberto Lenzi's final film as director), who
sends his boss the tapes of the best auditions. The winners of this
audition are singer Rita (Patrizia Pellegrino; FINAL
JUSTICE - 1984), dancer Monica (Yvonne Scio; REDLINE
- 1997), actress Sasha (Valeria Milillo; SCHOOL
OF FEAR - 1989) and wiseass actor Gianni (Riccardo Rossi),
all of them getting a phone call to join Jurek at his castle. They
all get picked up in a Bentley limo and have no idea where they are
going, as the unseen driver refuses to answer any of their questions.
When they arrive at the castle and knock on the door, they are
greeted by hunchbacked servant Gilles (Daniele Aldrovandi; doing his
best Marty Feldman impersonation; Gianni even calls him Feldman in
the film), as they watch two men exiting the castle carrying
something (or someone) wrapped in a rug. A strange woman in a black
veil and carrying a hairless cat drops a single rose from the balcony
that lands at Rita's feet. What does that mean? Hell if I know!
Matteo
then greets them and says that Jurek will be unable to meet them
until dinner at midnight, telling them to make themselves
comfortable. The castle is a marvel of ancient architecture, with
huge white rooms with cathedral ceiling and hidden passageways in
nearly every room. Those passageways will be used a lot in this film.
Gianni asks everyone who exactly is Jurek and what is his claim to
fame, as he has never heard of him before (Then what the fuck was he
doing at the audition?!?). Monica says that Jurek is a great director
of horror films and she can't wait to meet him at dinner at midnight.
Wiseass Gianni (who can't complete a sentence without making a joke)
asks, "Why midnight? Is he a vampire?" Gianni doesn't know
how right he is or the strange reason why Jurek invited them to his
castle. This won't be the same old, same old for Jurek, as he has a
different outcome in mind and he hopes these four aspiring actors are
up to the task.
The strange woman suddenly appears, clothed in an 18th Century dress
and tells Gianni that this is a castle of horrors, but she disappears
as fast as she appeared, not elaborating on her statement. Sasha
looks for the bathroom and when she finds it, she sees the face of a
female monster in a mirror and runs away, ending up in a room full of
antique clothing and a table full of human body parts. She screams
and Matteo appears, telling her not to be afraid, this room is full
of props for Jurek's next movie. Before dinner, everyone is made to
watch one of Jurek's favorite films he directed, a creepy black &
white flick about a young woman named Nadia (Letizia Ziaco) playing a
game of Hide & Seek with her lover in a castle, when a vampire
strikes. It is obvious the vampire is actually Jurek in his monstrous
vampire form and this film was shot in the 1920's when his tomb was
opened, but why does Jurek insist everyone watch this film? The group
watches as Jurek rips out the lover's heart with his bare hands.
While they watch as Jurek puts the bite on Nadia, the strange woman
appears and makes a pass at Gianni. It is at this time we realize
that the strange woman and Nadia are the same person, but why does
Rita pass out while watching the film? Matteo carries Rita up to her
room, where Nadia pays a visit and tries to bite Rita on the neck,
but she wakes up and goes downstairs to join her new friends who are
watching the rest of the movie, but the film gets stuck in the
projector and cannot proceed (Nadia tells Matteo that Jurek will be
mad that they didn't watch the entire film, but Matteo says not to
tell Jurek what has happened). Rita can't find them and gets locked
in the castle's cellar, ending up in the crypt the 1920's film crew
found. Just when it looks like curtains for Rita, Gilles appears and
takes her back to her friends.
When midnight arrives, Matteo introduces the guests to Jurek. At the
late dinner, Jurek makes a toast to "the night that lies
ahead." Gianni notices that Jurek doesn't cast a reflection in
the mirror and Jurek says that's because he is a vampire (yet, later
in the film, we can see clearly Jurek's reflection in a mirror as he
opens a door, one of the film's very lazy mistakes, but more on that
later). Jurek tells the scared foursome that he has been a vampire
for four thousand years, but he is becoming bored living the life of
a vampire. Jurek wants the four of them to put an end to this
"non-life" of his, giving them until dawn to kill him,
otherwise he will drink their blood and turn them into horrible
undead monsters. Jurek is incapable of taking his own live because
vampires are unable to kill themselves. He also tells them that the
castle is inescapable until dawn; so don't try leaving because it is
hopeless. After Jurek turns into a bat (offscreen) and flies away,
Matteo takes them to a cell containing Jurek's other victims; hideous
monsters who survive on scraps of red meat that Matteo and Gilles
feed them. He tells the foursome if they don't want to end up in this
cell, they better kill Jurek (Matteo hopes they succeed because he is
becoming tired of doing all of Jurek's bidding). Matteo tells them
that the film they just watched holds the key to Jurek's death, but
they didn't see the entire film because it became stuck in the
projector. The group tries everything to kill Jurek, such as
threatening him with a homemade crucifix (made out of chair legs),
garlic and even a wooden stake to his heart, but Jurek says don't
believe everything you see in vampire movies because it is untrue (He
pulls the large stake out of his body and is no worse for wear. He
even shows the group that he wears a gold crucifix around his neck!).
When Jurek senses Matteo's treachery, with a wave of his hand
Matteo's heart comes bursting out of his chest and flying into
Jurek's hand! Will anyone survive the night or is it hopeless? Will
watching the rest of the film give them a way to kill Jurek or is the
actual film akin to the portrait of Dorian Gray? Will destroying the
film negative put an end to Jurek? Watch the film yourself to find
out. No? Okay, here's what happens: Jurek accidentally sets himself
on fire and his body burns and melts away (more stop-motion
animation). Everyone runs outside at dawn and the Bentley limo shows
up, driven by...Jurek! The foursome refuse a ride back to
civilization and run away, followed by Gilles, who tells them to slow
down, he can't run that fast. THE END.
Satisfied? I didn't think so.
This is better acted than most of Lamberto Bava's other TV movies,
as George Hilton (THE
STRANGE VICE OF MRS. WARDH - 1971) looks like he is having a
ball. I could have done without a lot of Gianni's wisecracks and it
could have used some bloody violence (although Sergio Stivaletti does
supply three stop-motion moments in the film, including the two I
already mentioned and Jurek's hand turning into a long-nailed
monstrosity, all done with old school charm) and some female nudity,
but this film manages to hold up for 91 minutes. That's not to say
there aren't some major problems with the film, because the
screenplay, written by Bava and Dardano Sacchetti (Bava's A
BLADE IN THE DARK - 1983), based on a story by Luciano
Martino (Bava's DELIRIUM:
PHOTO OF GIOIA - 1987), is full of plot holes and mistakes,
including Jurek casting a reflection in a mirror only a few scant
minutes after saying he doesn't. I know this is a TV movie and they
are usually shot very fast, unlike theatrical features, but a major
mistake like this, with the camera focused on a mirror and showing
Jurek opening a door, is just sloppy filmmaking. Still, it's a fun
little film if you leave your brain at the door. It is full of little
comic moments, such as when Gianni shoves a VHS tape in Jurek's mouth
and his fangs get caught in the plastic case. The title of the movie
on the VHS?: "Per Favore Non Mordermi Sul Collo", which
translates to "Please Don't Bite Me On The Neck"! Most of
these TV movies are insufferable, but I found myself enjoying this
film somewhat if only for Hilton's performance. I'm happy to say
Hilton and nearly everyone else in this film are still around and
acting in Italian TV and cinema, so if you have nothing better to do,
this film should make you a little happy. A little happiness is
better than no happiness at all, right? This is not a recommendation,
just an observance.
Filmed as A
CENA CON IL VAMPIRO (a literal translation of the review
title) and also known as DINNER
WITH THE VAMPIRE and VAMPIRE,
this film failed to obtain a theatrical or VHS release in the United
States, making its first appearance on these shores as a DVD
from Mya Communications in 2009. There have been no updated discs
since then, but a nice anamorphic widescreen print, dubbed in
English, can be found streaming on YouTube from user "Horror
Realm". I can't stress enough the importance of watching these
films sooner rather than later because a lot of YouTube users are
getting their accounts terminated permanently just because of
complaints by whiney little cunts passing themselves off as licensed
film company employees. Also featuring Igor Zalewsky (THE
MAN WHO DIDN'T WANT TO DIE - 2007), Isabel Russinova (TEX
AND THE LORD OF THE DEEP - 1985), and Roberto Pedicini (he
dubbed Rupert Everett's voice in the Italian version of CEMETERY
MAN - 1994). Not Rated. UPDATE: George
Hilton passed away on July 28, 2019 at the age of 85. R.I.P.
DISCO
GODFATHER (1979) -
Rudy Ray Moore (who is enjoying a semi-comeback as of late, even though
he could never act a lick) portrays Tucker Williams, an ex-cop and
proprietor of the Blueberry Hill Disco. He goes on the warpath when
his nephew Bucky (Julius J. Carry III of BRISCO
COUNTY JR.)
trips out on Angel Dust. In between scenes of disco dancing, Tucker
uses his feet and hands to fight his way to Stinger (James H.
Hawthorne), the biggest supplier of Angel Dust in America. Even
though I think Rudys acting abilities
leave a lot to be desired, I have found his films to be highly
entertaining in a goofball kind of way. This one is no exception.
First of all, Rudy makes an unlikely action hero. With his spandex
jumpsuits and paunched-out stomach, he reminds me of that strange
Uncle that everyone in your family talks about over Thanksgiving
dinner. Definitely not action hero material. The scenes of people
tripping out on Angel Dust must be seen to be believed. Bucky
hallucinates that his hand is chopped off by a witch with a sword.
Cartoon blood pours out of his wounds when he also imagines that he
is being shot by three Brothers with big guns. This is really wild
stuff. The action scenes are also unbelievable. Rudy has to be the
stiffest martial artist in the world. He looks like he is in deep
intensive pain every time he lifts a leg to plant a kick. The final
20 minutes are the most brain-numbing minutes I have sat through in
quite a while. I couldnt believe my eyes. Rent it to see what I
mean. Directed by J. Robert Wagoner. Also starring Carol Speed (ABBY
- 1974), Jimmy Lynch (who also did the makeup effects), Jerry Jones
and Lady Reed. You could find a worse way to spend 90 minutes. A
Xenon Home Video Release. Also known as AVENGING
DISCO GODFATHER. Rated
R.
For more Rudy Ray Moore madness, check out DOLEMITE
(1975), THE HUMAN TORNADO
(1976) and PETEY WHEATSTRAW
(1977). (NOTE: MAD
TV
did a hilarious send-up of Rudy's films. They managed to do a spot-on
parody full of bad acting and awful kung-fu. Catch it in repeats if
you get the chance.) UPDATE: Rudy Ray Moore passed away on
October 19, 2008 at the age of 81.
THE
DRACULA SAGA (1973) - Spanish
horror film by the director of THE
VAMPIRES NIGHT ORGY (1972) and THE
PEOPLE WHO OWN THE DARK (1975) that plays fast and loose
with the Dracula legend. It is also one of the funniest unintentional
comedies that I have seen in quite a while. If you go into this film
expecting horror, you will be bitterly disappointed, but if you go in
expecting to be entertained for all the wrong reasons, you will be
greatly rewarded.
People who like to play drinking games with films will be blind
stinking drunk after the first 20 minutes here if they take a shot
for every weird thing they hear or see.
Count Dracula's grandaughter Berta (Tina Sainz) comes to Castle
Dracula bearing a surprise: she's pregnant. I know what you're
thinking, "How can a vampire get pregnant?", but she's not
a vampire, as her family kept her out of that culture her whole life
(it still doesn't explain how she was born!). Berta is married to
Hans (Tony Isbert; RINGS
OF FEAR - 1978), a handsome young man who doesn't suffer
fools gladly. Berta has been having nightmares where she is being
chased by a wolfman and the closer she gets to the castle, the more
vivid her nightmares are. The coach driver refuses to take the couple
to the castle at night, so they are forced to go forward on foot
("It feels like someone is dragging me down." says Berta.
Hans then finds that her dress is caught on a tree branch!), where
they find a nude young woman, with two puncture wounds on her neck,
lying in the woods. They take her to the village inn, where Mother
Petrescu (Mimi Muñoz) takes care of the unconscious woman (who
has a huge shit-eating grin on her face) and tells one of the
villages to go fetch Dr. Karl (Henry Gregor; DR.
JEKYLL AND THE WOLFMAN - 1971), the village physician. The
doctor arrives and treats the woman, telling the guests she is just
simply anemic and needs a good night's sleep, but Hans notices every
young woman in the village has the same two puncture wounds on their
necks, yet it doesn't worry him. Hans and Berta spend the night at
the inn, where Berta has a dream where she shakes hands with an old
woman and her head falls off! During the night, the unconscious woman
disappears and Mother Petrescu tells Hans not to tell Berta because
it will upset her (I'll bet it's not as upsetting as an old woman's
head falling off!), Stilla (Betsabe Ruiz; HOUSE
OF INSANE WOMEN - 1971), a young woman in the next room to
the couple, is paid a visit by a cloaked figure, so she rips open her
nightgown, exposing her breasts, and smiles, while the figure comes
closer. The next morning, Gabor (J.J. Paladino), a servant from
Castle Dracula, arrives at the inn to accompany the couple to the
castle, being their new coach driver. Berta asks him how her
grandfather is doing and Gabor replies that he is "dying"
to see her (This is not a comedy. I repeat, this is not a comedy!).
As soon as they get to the castle, Berta wants to visit the grave of
her grandmother, so Gabor takes her there. She is shocked to discover
a gravemarker for her grandfather next to her grandmother's grave,
but Gabor tells her not to worry (Don't worry? Really?). Both Berta
and Hans find it strange that none of her family have come to greet
them (it is still daylight) and Gabor tells them that her family will
greet them later on at dinner. As they unpack, Berta hears a woman
crying, but Hans hears nothing (He must be deaf!). They then have
lunch alone, where Hans makes a remark about how the wine tastes
"peculiar" (Hey Hans, no "wine" is that red!!!).
All the doors in the castle are locked, so they can't even explore
the castle. Berta feels something is terribly wrong (No shit!) and
starts crying, telling Hans she wants to leave, but he tells her to
come to the dining hall, where they meet Count Dracula (Narciso
Ibañez Menta; I HATE MY BODY
- 1974), his new wife Munia (Helga Liné; THE
LORELEY'S GRASP - 1973) and all her cousins (all female), as
well as the old woman from Berta's dream, Mrs. Gastrop (Elsa Zabala; CURSE
OF THE DEVIL - 1973). Another servant, Gert (Javier de
Rivera; FURY OF THE WOLFMAN
- 1970), serves all of them a glass of the peculiar-tasting wine at
dinner and they toast to Berta's pregnancy. They all watch as Berta
lifts the glass to her lips to take a drink, but they are bitterly
disappointed when she doesn't like how it tastes (she also complains
that the food is undercooked!). Berta runs out of the room and the
Count tells Hans that the new life in Berta's belly is the heir to
the Dracula bloodline. Her "son" will inherit all of the
lands Dracula.
One of Berta's cousins, Xenia (María Kosty; A
DRAGONFLY FOR EACH CORPSE - 1973), seduces Hans, stripping
him naked and screwing him while the rest of the family
watches...smiling! Hans then disappears for most of the remainder of
the film. When Berta's clothing trunk finally arrives at Castle
Dracula, two of her cousins, Irina (Cristina Suriani; HORROR
RISES FROM THE TOMB - 1972) and Gitana (Ingrid Rabel; HUNCHBACK
OF THE MORGUE - 1973), rifle through it, steal some of the
clothes and try them on, attacking a fire-and-brimstone-talking
religious fanatic (Luis Ciges; HOUSE
OF PSYCHOTIC WOMEN - 1973) in the woods (They both strip
naked, so they don't get their new clothes dirty, and jump on him!).
Berta begins to have trouble with her pregnancy (she is not due to
drop the kid for five months) and, once again, hears the woman
crying, only this time Berta asks the crying woman if she has seen
her husband! (I think a crying woman would have more important things
on her mind!) Berta escapes from the castle, finding some of her
clothes in the woods and walking to the inn (!). She tells Mother
Petrescu and Dr. Karl that she just saw some gypsies in the woods and
the villagers take up arms because, you know, gypsies mean that
werewolves and ritualistic killings are not far behind. The religious
fanatic then enters the inn, his body bloody and broken, only giving
the villagers more of an impetus to kill the gypsies!
For some unknown reason, Dr. Karl brings Berta back to the castle,
where she sees that Hans is white as a sheet, yet he bears a
shit-eating grin on his face (We later see the cousins using him as a
sex toy!). Berta sits at the dinner table, where all her cousins show
her their fangs, so she runs upstairs and tells Hans that they are
leaving. Instead of leaving, Hans tries to bite her, but fails.
We then see the Count whipping one of the cousins, telling Hans that
his bloodline has become impure by all the sexual funny business and
only Berta's newborn son will be able to make the family pure again.
That night, Hans tries to bite Berta again, but she is ready this
time, stabbing him to death with a butcher knife she has placed on
the bed (In a scene that makes absolutely no sense, we see Hans turn
old when he dies!). Will the Count's wishes come true or will Berta
perform the world's first coat hanger abortion?
The first thing you'll notice about this film is how horrendously
dubbed it is. The dubbing artists put zero emotion in their line readings,
making their conversations sounding like they are reading newspapers
to each other. The second thing you'll notice is that this film makes
no sense at all, as all it seems to be is a series of unrelated
events strung together, with no connective tissue between the scenes.
I expected more from director León Klimovsky, since I like
most of his other horror films. Besides the two I mentioned in the
beginning of this review, he was also responsible for WEREWOLF
SHADOW (1971), VENGEANCE
OF THE ZOMBIES (1973), DEVIL'S
POSSESSED (1974), NIGHT
OF THE WALKING DEAD (1975) and many others, before he
retired from directing in 1979 (and dying in 1996). The only thing I
can surmise about why this film turned out the way it did was because
something was lost in the translation from Spanish to English (it
wouldn't be the first time this has happened with a foreign horror
film), as the screenplay, by "Lazarus Kaplan" (actually
Emilio Martínez Lázaro; DIARY
OF AN EROTIC MURDERESS - 1975), makes no sense in this
version, but it is absolutely hysterical for its unintentional humor.
There is plenty of female (and male) nudity, as well as some WTF?!?
scenes of unbelievability (Wait until you get a gander of Mrs.
Gastrop's head towards the end of the film. It's the best moment
of the film, in my opinion.). It also contains some extremely graphic
scenes of violence (the Count's demise, as well as the deaths of
Berta's cousins, are memorable), but none of it could make up for the
film's total lack of coherence. What about Berta's baby? I'm afraid
that doesn't make a lick of sense either. A pregnant Berta dies in
the finale, yet the final shot is of a baby who has blood dripping in
his mouth (a scene which wouldn't be allowed in films today unless
the blood was CGI), as we hear the Count say, "I live again! Ha!
Ha! Ha! Ha!..." That makes about as much sense as tits on a rock.
Filmed as La Saga de los Drácula and also known as SAGA
OF THE DRACULAS, DRACULA: THE BLOODLINE CONTINUES and DEATH,
DEATH, DEATH, this actually got a U.S. theatrical release (by
International Cine Film Corporation and later by International
Amusements Corp.) and was released on VHS, by outfits like All
Seasons Entertainment and Something Weird Video. Deimos
Entertainment issued a widescreen DVD of this film, but it is long
OOP and hard to find at a decent price. My review comes from the
DVD-R I purchased from Sinister Cinema (through Amazon). It is in
fullscreen, yet crisp an colorful, but like I always say, you can
polish a turd, but it will still smell like shit. Serious horror fans
are warned to stay away. Also starring Fernando Villena (PLANET
OF THE VAMPIRES - 1965), Ramón Centenero (RETURN
OF THE EVIL DEAD - 1973), Manuel Barrera and José
Riesgo. Rated R.
EMANUELLE
AND THE LAST CANNIBALS (1977) -
When I heard that Severin Films was releasing this film on Blu-Ray, I
immediately retired my Twilight Video VHS of TRAP
THEM AND KILL THEM (one of this film's alternate titles),
went on Amazon and purchased this sucker. Severin almost always gives
me my money's worth and I'm glad to say that this one didn't
disappoint. It's sleazy as hell and chock-full of nudity and gore,
something you can always
count on from late director Joe D'Amato (real name: Aristide
Massaccesi; EMANUELLE
AND THE DEADLY BLACK COBRA - 1976; ANTHROPOPHAGUS
- 1980; 2020
TEXAS GLADIATORS - 1982).
The film opens with a sky view of New York City (the first image is
of the World Trade center) and then an on-screen scrawl announces, "This
film is based on a true story as reported by journalist Jennifer O'Sullivan"
(yeah, right!). We are then at a mental institution, where a nurse
comes staggering out of a room, her right breast bitten off by a
female patient (Cindy Leadbetter; RATS:
THE NIGHT OF TERROR - 1983), who is a cannibal. Another
nurse tells the orderlies that this woman was found near the Amazon
rainforest and they slap a strait-jacket on the woman.
Journalist/nymphomaniac Emanuelle (Laura Gemser; EMANUELLE
IN PRISON - 1983), who is undercover at this institution to
do a report on inmate abuse (the doctor who knows who she really is
is portrayed by director D'Amato, in a quick cameo), witnesses the
whole thing and takes photos of the cannibalism with a camera in a
doll's eyes (She carries the doll everywhere she goes. I guess dolls
are a sign of mental instability!). That night, Emanuelle sneaks into
the cannibal woman's room and rubs her hand over her vagina (!),
while she asks for her name. The woman doesn't answer, but Emanuelle
notices a strange tattoo over the woman's "pubic region"
(Emanuelle's words, not mine). Emanuelle shows her photos to her
editor and he believes the tattoo is an ancient Aztec symbol. From
the newspaper's archive records, Emanuelle discovers that the tattoo
is the symbol of the Topinambat, a tribe of ancient cannibals who are
thought to be extinct. If we know one thing about Italian cannibal
films, we know that the tribe is far from extinct. Before you can
say, "Are you up for a trip?", Emanuelle is making plans of
traveling to the Amazon to find out exactly where the cannibal woman
was found. But first, she talks to world-famous anthropologist
Professor Mark Lester (frequent Gemser co-star Gabriele Tinti; VIOLENCE
IN A WOMEN'S PRISON - 1982), who takes her back to his
apartment to show her some footage from his past expeditions, where
we see a cannibal tribe in Tanzania beheading a man and slicing off
the penis of another. They then eat the penis and also eat the eyes
from the decapitated head. (Before they get to his apartment, they
walk the streets of '70s New York City, which brought a nostalgic
rush over me, especially when I saw the Ed Sullivan Theater and the
American Museum of Natural History). They then make love in a graphic
display of softcore sex, before Mark agrees to go on the expedition
with her. Before she goes on her trip, Emanuelle makes love to
boyfriend Peter on the shore of the East River, with the Brooklyn
Bridge in the background. (Did I mention that Emanuelle is a nymphomaniac?)
Once in the Amazon, they meet Mark's friend Wilkes (Geoffrey
Copleston; THE BLACK CAT
- 1981), who tells Emanuelle where they found the cannibal woman in
the nuthouse. They also meet Wilkes' daughter Isabelle (Monika
Zanchi; THE EYE BEHIND THE WALL
- 1977) and Sister Angela (Annamaria Clementi; PORNO
SHOP ON 7TH AVENUE - 1979), both who will be going on the
expedition. Once again, Mark and Emanuelle make love, this time under
mosquito netting, as a jealous Isabelle secretly watches them and
masturbates (Again, quite graphic). Their first stop on the
expedition is a mission and their guides are Felipe and Manolo (Hal
Yamanouchi; ENDGAME
- 1983). They take a boat, travel up river and stop at a waterfall,
where Emanuelle and Isabelle (along with a smoking champanzee!) make
naked lesbian love in a shallow lake (That Joe D'Amato, you gotta
love him!). After they are done, they travel further up river and
stop to set up camp. Emanuelle is attacked by a boa constrictor, when
stranger Donald McKenzie (Donald O'Brien; DOCTOR
BUTCHER M.D. - 1980) appears and shoots the snake.
Donald tells them that the mission is no longer there and everyone is
dead, their bodies horribly mutilated. Donald is a big game hunter
and he has brought his wife Maggie (Susan Scott; THE
SLASHER...IS THE SEX MANIAC! - 1972) and guide Salvadore
(Percy Hogan; WAR OF
THE PLANETS - 1977) along for the hunt. But is it big game
they are after? They all join in on Emanuelle's expedition, but it is
obvious that their camp is being watched. Time for some more sex:
Maggie masturbates while looking at Salvadore and then orders him to
follow her into the jungle, where they have hot, steamy sex. Donald
watches them doing it, but is he impotent (his wife thinks so)? It
turns out that Donald is a letch, as after watching his wife making
love to a black man, he then peeps on the naked Isabelle and Sister
Angela as they sleep (Does every female in this film sleep bare-assed?).
The next morning they find Manolo's dead body, his torso slit open
from stem to stern and their boat is missing. Everyone travels on
foot through the jungle, where Sister Angela finds a Bible on the
ground. Isabelle finds a blanket and when she lifts it up, she
discovers the decapitated head of Father Morales, the head (so to
speak) of the mission. Donald and Maggie are searching for something,
but what could it be?
Isabelle falls into some quicksand and all the men save her just in
time. Donald feels-up Isabelle while she is sleeping (At least she is
wearing panties this time!) and when she wakes up and screams, Mark
comes to her rescue, but Donald beats him up (Maggie steps in and
stops him). Sister Angela disappears and everyone searches for her.
Felipe is killed by a spiked jungle booby trap and we then see that
Sister Angela has been captured by a tribe of cannibals. She is tied
to a tree, stripped naked and then has her right nipple cut off,
which one of the cannibals eats. She then has her chest graphically
ripped open and the tribe makes a meal out of her innards. Who will
be next and will anyone survive the slaughter? What are Donald and
Maggie looking for (Hint: It crashed in the jungle and contains
something sparkly)? Who will Emanuelle fuck next? Will it be a member
of the cannibal tribe? (Did I mention she is a nymphomaniac?). Will
decapitated heads on a stick ever be accepted in modern society?
That, and so much more, is waiting for you, so buy the damned Blu-Ray!
When it comes to sleazy entertainment, very few directors could
deliver it like Joe D'Amato. Packed with near-porn sex and nudity, as
well as graphic bloodletting, this film will have you watching in
amazement, as D'Amato fills the screen with a non-stop barrage of
sex, violence and some bat-shit crazy set pieces. The smoking
chimpanzee, which can not be found in South America, is one such set
piece. Where did he get a cigarette? And how did he light it?!? The
diamond sub-plot also comes out of left field and dig those cannibals
dancing around a captive Maggie!. Very few films
make so little sense, yet it is 100% enjoyable, making it a
sleazehound's dream come true (you haven't lived until you see a
woman's "pubic region" cut open and eaten by cannibals!).
The screenplay, by D'Amato and Romano Scandariato (DEATH
SMILES ON A MURDERER - 1973; D'Amato's first film as a
director), tosses in as many human deaths as possible and the
highlight is the way Donald O'Brien is killed (I'll leave that for
you to discover). This is grindhouse at its best and, for once, there
are no real-life animal deaths on view. What more could you ask for?
Me? I'm more than satisfied.
Released theatrically in the United States under the review title
and as TRAP THEM AND
KILL THEM, with a fullscreen VHS under the latter title by
Twilight Video. Released on DVD early in the New Millennium by Media
Blasters/Shriek Show uncut and in widescreen. The Severin
Films Blu-Ray is pleasing to the eye and has plenty of grain,
just the way I like my films (Not every film needs to have grain
digitally removed, making human skin look like it is made out of wax.
Grain is an important, natural part of filmmaking). D'Amato, who was
also the film's cinematographer, gives the film a healthy sheen,
making it hard to believe that the jungle scenes were actually filmed
just outside Rome (even though the film mistakenly [or on purpose]
lists it as being shot in and around "Tapurucuara, Amazonas,
Brazil"). There's no denying that Laura Gemser is a beautiful
woman and she has no inhibitions here, which is why she appeared as Emanuelle
in 13 films, many of them directed by D'Amato. Be aware that the
English subtitles rarely match what is being said on screen (It is
available in Italian with English subtitles or English dubbed. I
watched the dubbed version with the subtitles turned on.), but that
is in no way a detriment, as it shows that the dubbers were having a
lot of fun with the dialogue. As always, the extras on the disc are
second-to-none, my favorite being the lengthy new interview with
Donald O'Brien, who talks (in Italian) about his career and the
people he worked with. He loved Burt Lancaster but didn't care too
much for Franco Nero, who he said always showed up drunk. His stories
are informative and funny. There are also interviews with actresses
Annamaria Clementi & Monica Zanchi, as well as one with Nico
Fidenco, who supplied the catchy music to this film, as well as most
of the other Emanuelle films. There is also an audio interview with
Laura Gemser and a theatrical trailer. A nice package for a sleaze
classic. Shot under the title EMANUELLE
E GLI ULTIMI CANNIBALI (a literal translation of the review
title) and also known as BLOODY TRACK.
Also starring Pierluigi Cervetti, Massimo Ciprari (MEET
HIM AND DIE - 1976), Dirce Funari (ESCAPE
FROM WOMEN'S PRISON - 1978), Maria Gabriella Mezzett, Bona
Bono and Giuseppe Auci. Not Rated and proud of it.
EMPIRE
OF THE ANTS (1977) - The is
the last of the giant
creature films from director/producer/special effects technician
Bert I. Gordon (he also gets "Screen Story" credit here,
but Jack Turley wrote the screenplay [his only theatrical screenplay;
he was a well-respected writer of TV series and TV movies {PRAY
FOR THE WILDCATS
and TERROR
ON THE 40TH FLOOR - both 1974} from the 60's through the
80's], loosely based on the H.G. Wells story) and it also is one of
his most preposterous ones (and that's saying a lot). Therefore, it
is required viewing for fans who like to watch ridiculous things
(Count me in as one of them). Besides some swearing, blood (some of
which goes past its PG Rating, but this is the 70's we are talking
about and things were much looser then) and the fact that it was made
in color, this could easily pass as one of Gordon's 50's giant
insect/spider/person films, but make no mistake, this is no THEM!
(1954), so just enjoy
it for the retarded entertainment that it is. Consider it cotton
candy for your brain. Everyone needs to watch a film like this every
once in a while, if only to remind us what kind of films actually got
theatrical releases in the 70's. Like Gordon's previous year FOOD
OF THE GODS (1976), this was also released on a double
feature Blu-Ray, with the rote JAWS
OF SATAN (1981) as the co-feature. I'm still flabbergasted
how Mr. Gordon sets people like Joan Collins to appear in his films.
I would have loved to be in one of Bert I. Gordon's pitch meetings
listening to him talking Collins' agent into getting her to star in a
cheezy film about giant ants that want to take over mankind. It's not
like Joan Collins hasn't appeared in thrillers and horror films
before (TERROR FROM
UNDER THE HOUSE [1971], TALES
FROM THE CRYPT [1972] and TALES
THAT WITNESS MADNESS [1973] comes to mind), but they are all
higher-end productions when compared to this cheesefest. It only
makes me appreciate Joan Collins all the more as an actress who will
take any role that she pleases and she throws herself into this one.
After a brief history about ants (narrated by late voice master
supreme Marvin Miller, who was the voice of Robby The Robot in FORBIDDEN
PLANET [1956]), such as there are 15,000 different species
and the queen of the colony emits pheromones as a way to communicate
to her colony, giving each of them specific jobs to perform, we then
watch a ship dump barrels of radioactive waste into the ocean off the
coast of Florida. One of those drums washes ashore and starts leaking
(it looks like liquid mercury) on the beach of the proposed site of
Dreamland Shores, a pump and dump scheme run by crooked real estate
agent Marilyn Fryser (Collins) and her assistant/lover Charlie
(Edward Power). Marilyn hires boat captain Dan Stokely (Robert
Lansing; SCALPEL -
1976) to take a bunch of suck..., err prospective buyers, to
Dreamland Shores to buy parcels of land, all of which are no better
than swampland (they are very close to the Everglades). We then see a
colony of ants feeding on the radioactive waste from the leaking
barrel, which can only mean one thing: Big trouble. We then get to
know a little bit about each of the prospective buyers, such as
Charlie telling customer Joe (John David Carson; CREATURE
FROM BLACK LAKE - 1976) that one in three people go on these
excursions just for the free booze and food and he believes Joe is
one of those people (Charlie is right) or that the married Larry
(Robert Pine; NO MAN'S
LAND: THE RISE OF REEKER - 2008) ditches his wife Christine
(Brooke Palance; daughter of Jack Palance who had a very short acting
career) when they dock to try and get some action from Coreen (Pamela
Shoop; HALLOWEEN II -
1981), only to get a knee planted in his balls. For the first time we
and everyone else hears a creepy screeching sound and we the POV of
the giant ants (reminicent of THE FLY
- 1958). Dan (Robert Lansing seems very disinterested in appearing in
this film) and fired long-time worker Margaret (Jacqueline Scott; CHARLEY
VARRICK - 1973) have a heart-to-heart talk about whether she
should invest her life savings into a parcel of this land and Dan
tells her she should only buy here if they strike oil on it. Everyone
but Dan take a trolley car ride through the area, where Marilyn
starts her hard sell, where we see signs like "Future Golf
Course", "Future Marina", "Future Tennis
Court" and so on, but nothing has been built. All the
prospective buyers can see are pipes sticking out of the ground, the
signs and a picnic table under a tent midway through the tour, where
the customers can fill up on cheap booze and even cheaper sandwiches.
Thomas (Jack Kosslyn) and his wife Mary (Ilse Earl) sneak off and
Thomas discovers that the pipes (and a fire hydrant) are just buried
in the ground and not connected to anything. Before they can tell
anyone else of the deception, they are both attacked and killed by
giant ants (a mixture of Bert I. Gordon's plate photography and giant
ant puppets). Marilyn continues with the rest of the group one the
trolley ride and when she is told that Tom and Mary were left back at
the picnic area, Marilyn says they decided to stay back there. It's
only when everyone discovers the mangled corpse of one of Marilyn's
workers (all we see is his foot), do they realize that they stepped
into a big pile of shit. Coreen and Joe leave by foot to go find Tom
and Mary, while everyone else takes the trolley back to the dock.
When they get there, they see the dock is crawling with giant ants
and Dan is swimming to his boat to try and get it away from there.
When Dan gets to his boat, it is too late, as the ants are already
aboard and have killed his only crewman (if you look closely, you
will see more blood than what is allowed in films rated PG today).
Dan swings an axe at the ants and hits a gas can and decides to set
the boat on fire, making the discovery that the giants ants are
afraid of fire. Joe and Coreen have a couple of close calls with
giant ants after discovering Tom's body, but they make it back to the
dock, where Dan has built a giant campfire to keep the ants away. Of
course a torrential rainstorm hits the following morning, putting out
the fire, so Dan (minus Marilyn and Charlie, who decide to hide-out
in one of the only hastily-built sheds at the shore) leads the rest
of them through the swamp to a river, where there is a small boat
waiting that can take them to civilization. The ants begin to
pick-off the people one-by-one. Coward Larry lets wife Christine
become ant food when she trips and hurts her ankle (The ant puppets
are low-rent, but effective). Charlie dies next when he and Marilyn
open the shed to discover a giant ant in it. Marilyn runs to join Dan
and his group. Old couple Harry & Velma Thompson (Harry Holcombe
& Irene Tedrow) break from the group and hide in an old shed in
the swamp, while the rest of the group find the boat and head down
river to the nearest town. Harry and Velma open the shed believing
they are now safe, only to discover that they are surrounded by giant
ants. The boat comes to a fork in the river and a guilt-ridden Larry
screams that they should go left, which Dan does, but like every
decision that Larry has made, it is the wrong one, as the river is
blocked by some downed trees and they are forced to fight some ants
before turning the boat around and taking the right at the fork in
the river. A short distance down the river, the group is attacked by
an ant, which kills Larry (Yea, ant!) and dumps everyone overboard,
where they all swim to shore. It then becomes apparent to Dan that
the ants are herding them in a particular direction like cattle and
we soon find out why when the group makes it to civilization and meet
a creepy old couple (the old woman whispers something into Coreen's
ear) who call Sheriff Kincade (Albert Salmi; SUPERSTITION
- 1982) to come and pick up the new visitors. They should have
realized something was wrong when the much-too-accomodating Sheriff
Kincade mentions the local sugar refinery (The old woman whispered to
Coreen, "Whatever you do, don't let them take you to the sugar
refinery.") and Joe can't get an outside line to call a
government friend, even though they see the Mayor talking long
distance to a raw sugar company about an important delivery. Dan and
Joe go to rent a car, when they hear the screech, but it only turns
out to be a kid on a Big Wheel (it's also the only time Robert
Lansing smiles in the whole film). They are unable to rent a car when
the girl behind the counter won't give them one because they both
lost their wallets and have no identification or driver licenses. Dan
is highly suspicious of the whole town, so Joe hotwires a car and
they all take off to leave town, only to discover the road is blocked
by police cars. They are run off the road and crash into a small
pond, where they are captured and taken to the sugar refinery. We see
the Queen ant in a chamber spraying her pheromones on the townspeople
one-by-one (they have to be sprayed once a week because it wears
off),
so
they will do her bidding: Make more refined sugar for her and her
colony. Sheriff Kincade moves the group to the top of the line, where
Marilyn is the first victim. After she is sprayed with the
pheromones, she exits the chamber a changed woman and tells the rest
of the group in a monotone voice that they will understand once they
get sprayed. Dan is next, but he is hiding a road flare in his pants
(I thought he was just happy to see me) and uses it to set the Queen
ant on fire. As the Queen burns, the people snap out of her spell and
the confused giant ants begin killing the sugar refinery workers.
They all run out of the refinery (except for Marilyn, who is killed
by the Queen while a revived Sheriff Kincade pumps some bullets into
the Queen's head) and Joe finds a gas tanker truck. He opens the
valve and drives the truck around the refinery while Dan and the rest
of the group find a motorboat on a dock. Joe jumps out of the truck
after he aims it at the opening of the refinery and the whole complex
catches on fire, burning all the ants to death. Joe joins Dan and the
group as they take off in the boat, navigating the Everglades' twisty
waterways, but is this the end to the menace? I hope so because I am
running low on Raid. While not as bloody as Gordon's
previously-mentioned PG-Rated FOOD
OF THE GODS, this film does have its fair share (you just
have to look more closely and sometimes freeze the Blu-Ray to see it)
and has some pretty funny dialogue, such as when Coreen apologizes to
Joe by saying, "Well, I don't know, I guess I just thought you
were one of those macho phony types, you know? The kind whose brains
fall out every time he unzips his fly." Gordon continued to use
the 50's way of showing giant ants walking on objects by having
normal-sized ants walking on glass with photos on small-sized objects
behind the glass to give the ants a giant look. The ant puppets are
thankfully used a lot because the plate photography sometimes bears
out mistakes, as the ants travel too far off the glass plates and
look like they are walking on air. The film takes a giant 180°
turn during the final third of the film, which increases the
enjoyment much more than it should. I must have seen this film more
than 20 times, either on TV (Remember those days when films like this
were shown on the 4:30 Movie?), the Embassy
Home Entertainment VHS or the widescreen MGM Midnite Movies DVD
(the Blu-Ray ports over Bert I. Gordon's running commentary from this
DVD but, at the time this review was written, Mr. B.I.G. was still
alive and in his mid-90's). The Blu-Ray, by Shout!
Factory tentpole Scream
Factory is in great shape, but the aspect ratio seems off a bit.
Words I remember seeing on the rental car building's window are cut
off (I'll have to check my DVD to see if it is there) and some of the
framing of certain scenes seem extremely tight, but that should in no
way deter you from buying this double-feature Blu-Ray, especially if
you are a Gordon fan (which I am). Also featuring Tom Fadden, Janie
Gavin, Norman Franklin, Florence McGee, Mike Armstrong, Tom Ford and
Jim Wheelus as Dan's unfortunate Crewman. A Scream Factory Blu-Ray
Release. Rated PG.
EMPIRE
OF THE DARK (1991) - For
those who have been reading the many reviews I have written in the
past 33 years (as of the time of this review), you know the last
thing I care about are the technical aspects. I'm all about the
movie, not the presentation. Maybe I'll give one or two lines about
how good or bad the film prints or VHS looks, but I mostly care about
the film itself. I have been searching for a copy of this film for
years, ever since I saw director/screenwriter Steve Barkett's crazy
post-apocalypse film THE
AFTERMATH (1978) years and years ago on VHS, but finding a
VHS copy of EMPIRE (which, at the time of this writing, was
Barkett's only second time directing) was
about as hard as finding a VHS of BLACK
DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL (1984), so I struck out for over
twenty-five years. That is, until I received an email from VCI
Entertainment's website saying that they were offering both of
Barkett's films on DVD. I immediately jumped on the offers and
purchased both of them, only to discover that they were actually
fullscreen DVD-Rs. Now, being on DVD-R makes no difference to me
(digital is digital as long as there is no compression), but in this
day and age, not to offer the film in widescreen was quite a letdown
(VCI has since changed the description of the films' formats on their
website). Don't get me wrong; nearly 75% of the films I review on
here are from fullscreen VHS tapes or DVD-R copies of VHS tapes, so
fullscreen never bothered me, but I heard that even Steve Barkett was
less than pleased (to put it politely) at the way VCI treated both of
his films. I'm a realist. If I can get a film in widescreen over
fullscreen, I will go for the widescreen version every time. But
since it looks like VCI Entertainment is not going to offer a
widescreen version of this film anytime in the near future, I'll have
to review the fullscreen DVD-R, which looks great, by the way (For
those of you against DVD-R, there's not much I can do to convince you
that the quality is the same as a pressed DVD and DVD-Rs have failure
rates a lot less than pressed DVDs, but I got into a long discussion
on Facebook about it and learned one thing: People against DVD-R are
never going to change their mind, no matter how many facts you throw
at them and to not purchase this film based on this fact alone makes
you look foolish in my eyes). Now let's get into the film, because
like Steve Barrett's previous directorial film, he wrote the
screenplay to this one, too, and it is quite complex. In the early
1970's, beneath Stonehenge during a full moon, there is a chamber
where evil sorcerer Arkham (Richard Harrison; SCORPION
THUNDERBOLT - 1985) stabs a pregnant woman in the stomach
with a sacrificial dagger and he licks the blood off the blade. It
revives a long-dormant large horned demon that was waiting to be
revived in a hole in the chamber. Arkham tells the demon to be
patient, some day he will be free for good. We then switch to police
officer Richard Flynn (Steve Barkett), also in the early 1970's, who
gets a frantic call from Angela (Tera Hendrickson) for him to come
over to the Maple Street Warehouse, a building that husband-to-be
Brian (Dan Speaker) owns. Richard is quite perplexed, because a few
hours ago, Angela told Richard that she never wanted to see him again
(I smell infidelity!) since she had Brian's baby and thinks it would
be best if she marries him. But now Angela is acting like it is a
life or death situation (it is) and needs Richard to come to the
warehouse as soon as possible. Richard tells her he will be there in
thirty minutes (when he is off his shift!) and when he gets there, he
hears Angela scream out, "Richard, help me!". He blows the
lock off the door with his handgun (a six-shooter, which will come
into play many times in this film) and sees a huge hole in the wall
of the basement of the warehouse, that leads into some sort of
alternate dimension. Richard must shoot and kill a bunch of hooded
demons (one who bites him; at one time I counted 12 shots coming from
his gun without reloading!) in order to get close to Angela and her
baby, who are both on an altar; Brian holding a knife over the baby
and Arkham holding his dagger over Angela. Angela begs Richard to
save her baby, and with only one bullet left in his gun, he shoots
and kills Brian, saving the baby. Arkhan ends up stabbing Angela and
killing her, but Richard gets his revenge by beating Arkham to death
with the butt of his gun. He grabs the baby and runs towards to hole
in the wall when he sees it getting smaller and smaller, almost
falling off a rickety old wooden bridge into the lava below, but he
manages to jump through the hole just as it disappears. Twenty years
pass (Richard gives the baby to an orphanage because he want nothing
that is Brian's) and Richard has left the police force to become a
bounty hunter. A couple of years ago, Richard suddenly decided that
he had to learn how to swordfight, so he hires a sexy broad (besides
a few character names, no other actor is given a character name in
the beginning or closing credits, so I can't tell you her name) to
teach him a few times a week. He becomes quite good at it, even
though he keeps hitting on her. He already has a girlfriend named
Stacey Brent (Patricia Schiotis), who is also a bounty hunter. Police
Detective Eddie Green (Jay Richardson; THE
UNLIVING - 2003) is talking on the phone when Terry Nash
(Christopher Barkett, the real-life son of Steve), the son of Angela,
asks Eddie for his help because Richard refuses to take his phone
calls or answer his letters. He tells Eddie an "incredible
story" (one we are not privy to) and then shows Eddie a
photograph of Brian and Arkham standing next to a modern car, which
proves that they are still alive because the photo was taken just two
weeks ago. Eddie agrees to help Terry and drives him to see Richard.
Richard, on the other hand, is following a bounty into a grocery
store when Eddie spots his car in the grocery store parking lot.
Thinking that Richard is there getting groceries, he yells out
Richard's name, just as Richard was about to bum-rush his bounty. The
perp has a shotgun and there is a free-for-all gunfight, as patrons
run out the door and the bounty kills two women shoppers in cold
blood. He then takes a young girl hostage, which gives Richard
flashbacks from twenty years ago when he saved the baby. Terry throws
a loaf of bread, which distracts the perp just long enough for
Richard to shoot his bounty a few times, killing him. Richard once
again blows off Terry after looking at the photo, saying that it is
easy to alter photos (but not as easy as it is now!). He then walks
out of the grocery store, leaving Eddie and Terry holding their dicks
in their hands (and he's
one
of Eddie's best friends!). Meanwhile, Stacey has a meeting with
psychic investigator Guy Zupan ("Josef Pilato", a.k.a. Joe
Pilato, Rhodes in DAY OF THE DEAD
- 1985) to talk about the "Demon Stalker" case, one of the
worst cases of serial killing in years. Zupan tells Stacey that the
Demon Slasher has killed ten girls and ten more girls will die before
the next full moon (We see one such girl, when the giant demon tears
the doors off a parked car of two teens making out and kills the guy
and kidnaps the girl). Zupan knows all this because 20 years ago, his
daughter was killed by Arkham in the same ceremony (she was the girl
we saw killed in the beginning of the film), so he has become an
expert on Arkham and Brian's cult. Zupan warns Stacey that both
Arkham and Brian are within the boundaries of town, so she should be
very careful (advice she does not take). I'm not going to tell you
any more about the plot, because if I do, it will deprive you on one
of the batshit craziest films of the 90's. The film is so twisted and
weird, that the final thirty minutes will have your complete
attention because it is apparent that Steve Barkett blew most of his
budget on the ultra-bloody final half hour, which includes
stop-motion animation, automatic gunfire, headless corpses,
dismemberment, seductresses in lingerie (who show their true faces
when rebuffed), plenty of bloody bullet squibs, interdimensional
travel, sacrifices, tons of gore, bodies pulled apart, some pretty
impressive miniature model work, a nun saying, "Bullshit!"
and nearly anything else you can think of. Say what you want about
Steve Barkett, but when he commits to a film, he literally throws
himself into it (he even edited this film and worked on some of the
special effects). While he just makes it as a competant actor (he
does get in some funny lines) and has appeared in such films as BEVERLY
HILLS VAMP (1989); DARK
UNIVERSE (1993); DINOSAUR
ISLAND (1994); CYBERZONE
(1995); STAR HUNTER (1996)
and others (mostly in small roles), it is his directorial and
screenwriting talents that shine. This is unlike any film you are
about to see any time soon and it makes me seriously wonder why
Barkett hasn't directed more films. We all need to watch something
different every now and then and judging by Barkett's only two
directorial films, that is exactly what you get. This film was
co-produced by Fred Olen Ray (with Barkett's wife Patricia), which
would explain the appearances of Dawn Wildsmith as medium Madame
Oleska and Jay Richardson, who has a much bigger role than normal
(always a good thing). Do yourself a favor and invest in this film,
fullscreen or not. You will be completely entertained for 96 minutes.
Also starring Jan Bryant, Jason Martin; Liat Mathias, Fred Jorgensen,
Gina Martin, Rachael Schiotis and Dave Speaker. Jim Danforth was a
swordfight stunt double and plays one of the hooded demons, but there
is nowhere in the film where it states he did the stop-motion
animation (which he is known for). A VCI
Entertainment DVD-R Release. Rated R.
ESCAPE
FROM THE INSANE ASYLUM (1986) -
This is the notoriously hard-to-find badfilm, better known as NIGHT
OF TERROR and the final film to star Renee Harmon (she also
scripted and produced this), who starred in such clunkers as LADY
STREET FIGHTER (1978), FROZEN
SCREAM (1981), THE
EXECUTIONER PART II
(1983) and HELL RIDERS
(1984), before leaving the acting business to become an author of
filmmaking books and then dying of a heart attack in 2006. Ms. Harmon
(and her thick German accent) stars here as Chris, a woman unjustly
committed to an insane asylum where her husband, Alex (Henry Lewis),
is a doctor. Alex is cheating on Chris with hospital nurse Inez
(Susette Andres), but when Inez threatens to tell Chris of the
affair, Alex injects her with an overdose of an opiate, killing her.
Alex, along with asylum head Dr. Harper (Frank Neuhaus), are using
Chris' family fortune to fund illicit experiments on the
"retards" in the asylum. When one of the braindead retards,
Paul (Steven Neuhardt), suddenly awakens, slits an orderly's throat
and escapes, he follows a recently released Chris (Alex and Dr.
Harper have hatched a plan to drive her permanently insane) and
stepdaughter Becky (Lauren Brent) to a
"haunted" house in the mountains (as luck would have it, it
is the recently murdered Inez's house!), where Chris plans to
convalesce. She begins to have horrible visions and nightmares
(footage lifted from FROZEN SCREAM) and is chased around the
house by someone wearing a black hood, while creepy stuff (such as a
hamburger patty turning into a dead rat!) begins happening to her
that no one else can see, including Becky and nosy neighbor Ellen
(Lynn Whitmire), who just happens to be Dr Harper's wife (Oooh, I
smell a conspiracy!). Chris and Ellen become fast friends and go to a
fancy pool party thrown by Dr. Harper (where an awful New Wave band
called "Inz 'N' Outz" are playing), where Paul's psychic
mother, Celeste (Arline Specht), warns Chris to leave Inez's house
and go back to the safety of civilization. Unsurprisingly, it turns
out that most of this is a ploy by Alex and Dr. Harper to drive Chris
insane so Alex can become executor of her vast fortune, but when the
house turns out to really be haunted and the ghost of Inez leads
Chris to the truth, she may get the upper hand on her husband. When
Chris overhears Alex talking on the phone about having Paul (who is
recaptured) murder her when she is recommitted, Chris escapes in her
car, with Alex following her. Chris is captured, brought to the
asylum and nearly killed, but the ghost of Inez appears (her face
melts like wax in RAIDERS
OF THE LOST ARK - 1981) and scares Alex and Dr. Harper to
death. Chris, Becky and Paul live happily ever after. As
directed by one-time wonder Felix Gerard, ESCAPE FROM THE INSANE ASYLUM
is a complete mess. Not only does it have the cheap look of a
mid-80's porno film, with barebones sets (check out Dr. Harper's bar
at the pool party or the insane asylum sets for lessons in
minimalism), muffled sound recording (where the music and foley
effects drown out the dialogue), hamfisted editing (really, it looks
like someone was holding an entire ham while editing this, as scenes
jump from one sequence to the next with jarring jumps in sound to
match) and flat photography (it looks like it was shot on video, but
it's actually 16mm film); it's also shot so dark (many of the night
scenes look to have been shot without the aide of external lighting),
a clear 50% of the film is nearly unwatchable. Despite all these
faults and Ms. Harmon's questionable acting ability (although, to be
fair, the rest of the cast isn't that hot, either), this film works
on a psychedelic level, like you are watching someone's fragmented
fever dream. While the plot may be a jumbled mess (thanks to Ms.
Harmon and her skewed understanding of the English language), with a
subplot about Becky and a bunch of teens, who decide to check out
"the haunted McFarland place", that leads nowhere, the film
as a whole works for some strange reason. I just can't put my finger
on it. It has minimal blood and gore (most of the gore is from the FROZEN
SCREAM inserts), no nudity (although there are many shots of
young women in bikinis and Ms. Harmon dons some spandex for a gym
workout) and hardly any foul language, but it does have a funny Ouija
board scene, a sequence where a hooker is picked from the streets and
killed (I'm still trying to figure out what it has to do with the
rest of the film), gratuitous New Wave music inserts and lots of
dialogue scenes where Ms. Harmon talks to herself while mangling the
English language. I don't know why, but this is my favorite Renee
Harmon film. Maybe it's because it is her last or maybe because I'm
just a masochist at heart. You decide. Also starring James Lewis,
Marian Wayne, Jan Vandenberg, Ivan Corda, Joni Barns and Graham
Galloway. Image Entertainment supposedly released this on laserdisc
in the late 80's, but I have yet to see a copy of it anywhere,
though. The U.S. VHS release (as NIGHT OF TERROR), from Video
Pictures Corp., is about as rare as they come and commands big bucks
in collectors circles. The print I viewed was sourced from the
Australian VHS tape on the Palace Explosive Video label. Not Rated.
UPDATE: It turns out this isn't
Renee Harmon's last film! In 1990, she and notorious badfilm director
James Bryan (LADY STREET FIGHTER
- 1978) teamed up to make the SOV flick JUNGLE
TRAP, about ghosts decapitating people in a jungle hotel,
which went unfinished for almost 30 years. My friends at Bleeding
Skull made a deal with Bryan, edited and painstakingly scored
the film with new music (but they made sure it had the right '80s SOV
feel) and released it on DVD and VHS. Look for a review shortly.
Bleeding Skull has been doing a lot of good in discovering films that
are basically unknown and giving them new life, creating the
non-profit American Genre Film Archive (AGFA) and giving these films
a proper release on Home Video, many for the first time in the U.S.
(like SOULTANGLER - 1987).
Support Joseph A. Ziemba, Tim League, Zack Carlson & Dan Budnick
(who got his start here as a writer for my long-forgotten zine) and
purchase one of their films. Go to their web site at the link I
supplied and keep the nostalgia alive!
EVIL
EYE (1975) - Here's a film (an
Italian/Spanish co-production) that's quite schizophrenic; it can't
make up its mind what kind of film it wants to be and it suffers
because it. But it contains enough weirdness to hold your attention
throughout in spite of itself. So let's get to the film.
The film opens with some sort of satanic ritual being performed, as
a coven of black-robed
cultist place candles around a large white triangle on the ground. At
the sharpest point of the triangle lays a photo of Peter Crane (Jorge
Rivero; KILLING MACHINE
- 1984), as the red-robed leader of the cult enters the triangle and
makes the sign of the triangle with both his hands, framing the image
of Peter in the center of his makeshift hand triangle while muttering
something evil. We then see Peter having a nightmare (?) where naked
people are staring and pointing at him while a naked man gets in his
face. The phone then rings, waking Peter up. It's his girlfriend,
model Tanya (Pia Giancaro; THE
RED QUEEN KILLS SEVEN TIMES - 1972), and she reminds him
that they have a fashion show to go to that day. Peter realizes that
his house is full of guests from a party he threw the night before,
so he goes to his butler Walter (Eduardo Fajardo; KNIFE
OF ICE - 1972) and tells him to get rid of them. Peter finds
friend Robby Gifford (Luis La Torre) in his shower and tells him
about his nightmare, which he can't get out of his head. Robby makes
a joke about how it was probably the alcohol he consumed last night
that led to the nightmare, but Peter is not amused, telling him it
all seemed so real.
Peter goes to the fashion show with Tanya and meets mysterious
French woman Yvonne Chevrel (Lone Fleming; THE
FOURTH VICTIM - 1971). When he tells Yvonne his full name,
she tells him she had a nightmare last night that was strangely
similar to Peter's, only in her nightmare someone told her that
"Peter Crane" would murder her. Peter is not amused and
thinks Robby is playing a practical joke on him, so he calls Robby
and interrupts his poker game. Robby, who isn't happy about the
interruption (he is a degenerate gambler and he is losing money),
tells Peter he has no idea what he is talking about, he never heard
of Yvonne Chevrel and he told no one about his nightmare. Peter
thinks someone is playing a "dirty trick" on him, but we
know this is the work of a cult of Satanists. But why are they
targeting Peter?
A short time later, Yvonne meets Peter by his car and tells him that
she is scared, the nightmare isn't going away and she is having it
even in her waking moments (Peter has the same thing happening to
him). Peter assures her that he has no plans of doing her any harm,
especially murder, and invites her to his house for a drink, which
she accepts. At his house, Yvonne tells Peter that her husband is
recently deceased, so they, of course, kiss and then make love. While
they are going at it hot and heavy, Peter has a waking nightmare (?)
and is compelled to kill Yvonne, so he strangles her with his bare
hands, finishing her off by ripping out her throat. Peter wakes up
the following morning in his bed, but Yvonne is nowhere to be found.
He looks for Walter and finds him washing Peter's car. He asks Walter
if he cleaned the living room and he tells Peter no, he hasn't had
the time, his car was extremely dirty, so he decided to wash it
first. Not understanding what is going on and thinking it may be a
medical problem, Peter calls his deceased father's closest friend,
Dr, Stone (Richard Conte; THE
POSSESSOR - 1975), and makes an appointment to see him. In
his office, Peter tells Dr. Stone and his pretty colleague, Dr. Sarah
Turner (Pilar Velasquez; THE
FLOWER WITH THE DEADLY STING - 1973), about the nightmare he
has been having and they both assure him that there is nothing wrong
with him, all he has to do to clear everything up is to talk to Yvonne.
That is going to be extremely difficult, because we then see Police
Inspector Ranieri (Anthony Steffen; THE
STRANGER'S GUNDOWN - 1969) and his unnamed partner (Alvaro
de Luna; COUNT
DRACULA'S GREAT LOVE - 1972) in the morgue looking at
Yvonne's dead body (with her throat ripped open), saying it will be
difficult to find who killed her since she was found floating in the
river, the evidence of the killer's identity being washed away. We
then see Peter and Tanya brushing their teeth while taking a shower
together (!), when Peter gets a phone call from a mysterious man, who
tells him that he saw Peter kill Yvonne and to get a lot of money
together, then hangs up. Peter tells Tanya that he needs to be alone
for a while and drives off in his car. His car breaks down (?) next
to a mysterious house and Peter asks an old woman if he can use her
phone to call a tow truck. The house belongs to Derek Stevens
(Luciano Pigozzi, a.k.a. "Alan Collins"; THE
DEVIL WITH SEVEN FACES - 1971) and his wife Elizabeth
(Daniela Giordano; GIRL
IN ROOM 2A - 1973), who tell Peter that they met a long time
ago, but Peter doesn't remember them. When Peter goes to use the
phone, he finds the phone is dead, so Derek goes outside to look at
his car, leaving Peter alone with Elizabeth. She tries to hit on
Peter, but he tells her he has no memory of her. He notices a photo
of the old women and Elizabeth tells him it is her aunt...who died
two years ago! Something compels Peter to kill Elizabeth, so he
strangles her with his bare hands, ripping out her throat. When Derek
hears his wife's screams, he enters the house and Peter kills him in
the same way. It is obvious that Peter is being possessed by someone
or something, but why?
Peter locks himself in his bedroom and tells Walter he doesn't want
to see anyone. Dr. Stone pays him a visit (brushing off Walter's
warnings) and wants to know the truth about what is happening to him,
but Peter says he doesn't know. Dr. Stone tells Peter that he needs
to run tests on him, so Peter goes to Dr. Stone's clinic for head
x-rays and other tests. Dr. Stone can find nothing medically wrong
with Peter, but he tells him and Tanya that Peter must stay in his
clinic for at least a week for observation. The Inspector and his
partner arrive at Derek's house, where they find the bodies of Derek
and Elizabeth inside the house and the body of the old woman on the
property. The Inspector is stumped as to who the murderer may be, but
his wife, Sonja (Eva Vanicek), who is painting his portrait, tells
him that it is obvious that "evil spirits" are to blame for
the murders, but the Inspector tells her to stop being ridiculous,
there are no such things as evil spirits and even there were, he
can't arrest evil spirits. The Inspector may not believe in the
supernatural, but the supernatural believes in him and will play an
important part in what he does next.
While staying in the clinic, Peter hits on Sarah and she is
receptive, agreeing to go out to dinner with him, even though he is
still her patient (as they leave the clinic, all the smoked
cigarettes in Peter's ashtray begin to twirl and ignite on their
own). Sarah, of course, falls for Peter's charms and they make love
that night. He even manages not to kill her. When Peter gets back to
the clinic, there's a letter waiting for him that reads, "You're
just wasting your time. No doctor on earth can cure you of being a killer."
Of course, the letter is unsigned. That night, Peter has the
nightmare again while sleeping in his clinic room and when he wakes
up, it feels like his head is exploding. Peter tells Dr. Stone to
lock him up somewhere where he can't escape because he believes he is
being possessed by evil spirits and if he is locked up, the evil
spirits will realize that they can no longer make him kill and will
leave him alone. Dr. Stone plays along, locking Peter up in a padded
cell reserved for violent mental patients. A couple of days later,
Dr. Stone discovers that Peter has escaped his padded cell by hitting
on a pretty young nurse (!), so he calls the police because he
believes Peter is dangerous. We then see a possessed Peter going to
his house, where he discovers Robby is throwing one of his decadent
parties (we discover Robby is actually Peter's uncle and his past is
not so squeaky clean, as he may be responsible for the death of
Peter's father). Peter then strangles Robby, ripping his throat out.
The Inspector and his partner arrive at the clinic and Dr. Stone
tells them everything, but it is obvious that there is something very
wrong with the Inspector, as he begins to act exactly like Peter. He
walks down a road in the middle of the night in a trance, as a bus
pulls beside him, slowing down to pick him up. When he refuses to
acknowledge the bus, it pulls away, kicking up a rock that nearly
beans him on the head, snapping him out of the trance. Are the evil
spirits trying to kill him?
The next morning, Peter goes back to his house, where he discovers
Walter and his wife (Terele Pavez, simply listed in the credits as
"Terele") sleeping in his bed. When Peter confronts them,
Walter tells him it was he who made the phone call and sent him the
letter, saying he saw him kill Yvonne and next time he kills someone,
make sure the blinds on his windows are drawn. Walter then blackmails
him for a large sum of money, laughing in Peter's face like some
bourgeois swine. Peter runs out of his house and goes to Sarah's
apartment, where she tells him to stay put until she talks to Dr.
Stone. Sarah talks to Dr. Stone, who agrees to cancel his report to
the police against Peter (Can he do that?). While Sarah drives Peter
to her place in the country, believing all he needs is plenty of rest
and relaxation, we see the evil spirits are not too pleased with
Walter and his wife. The spirits possess Walter and he kills his
wife, bashing her on the head until it is a bloody pulp. When the
Inspector arrives at Peter's house, he sees Walter puking-up a frog
(!) and we watch as a rifle falls off a shelf and fires, hitting
Walter in the neck, killing him. The Inspector then goes to Dr.
Stone's office and demands to know the truth. Dr. Stone just sits in
his chair and stares at him not saying a word. The Inspector's
partner informs him that Sarah has a house in the country, so they
hop in a car and drive off. On their way to the country house, their
car mysteriously breaks down and the Inspector makes a veiled remark
that the breakdown is not accidental, Does he now believe in the
supernatural? We may never know, as the film ends on a WTF?!? note.
This ridiculous piece of fluff can't make up its mind what kind of
film it wants to be, a horror flick or a crime thriller and it
suffers because of it. Director Mario Siciliano (TASTE
OF VENGEANCE - 1969; SKIN
'EM ALIVE - 1978; ROLF
- 1983) has no idea how to end this film, as we see Peter and Sarah
perish when the car they are in goes over a cliff and we then hear
Peter say, "Let's go back to the beginning" and the film
ends as it began, with Peter picking up the phone after having the
nightmare! WTF?!? It makes absolutely no sense, trying to feed us a
line of bullshit that Peter is cursed to repeat this nightmare again
and again for all eternity, offering us no reason why Peter is cursed
to do so. All it really shows us is that screenwriters Siciliano,
Federico De Urrutia (THE
RELENTLESS FOUR - 1965) and Julio Buchs (director of MURDER
BY MUSIC - 1969; director/co-writer [with Urrutia] of A
BULLET FOR SANDOVAL - 1969) has no idea how to end the film
properly, as they painted themselves into a corner with the
"anything goes" story. That's not to say that there's
nothing to enjoy here, as there are plenty of weird visuals to keep
our eyes, if not our brains, occupied, such as plenty of female
nudity, a couple of very gory kills, frog puking, decapitation by
train (well, not exactly a decapitation, but the top of a head being
sliced off by the train's wheels), the strange way Walter is shot in
the neck and other weirdness. It's not the worst film I have seen by
a long shot, but it certainly could have been much better, especially
when it comes to Inspector Ranieri. His part in the film just ends
abruptly, leaving us to wonder if he is possessed or if he is only
just pissed-off. We also have no idea why the satanic cult targeted
Peter. Was it because he was a womanizer or because he was rich? And
what about Dr. Stone's final scene? He just stares at the Inspector
intently, looking like the Devil himself. Is he supposed to be Satan?
That's the problem with the entire film. Major plot points are just
dropped with no explanation and many of the scenes just happen with
no connective tissue to the previous scene, leaving the viewer
confused and puzzled. If that was what they were going for, they
succeeded, but I seriously doubt that was their intention. I cannot
recommend this film, even though it does contain some good scary
scenes. But scares without story amounts to nothing, so proceed at
your own risk. I will say this: Composer Stelvio
Cipriani's (A BAY
OF BLOOD - 1971; and countless others) music score is
memorable; you'll be humming the main theme for weeks to come.
Shot as MALOCCHIO
(a literal translation of the review title) and then retitled EROTICOFOLLIA
("Erotic Madness"), this film received neither a theatrical
or legitimate VHS release in the United States, first appearing on
these shores as part of a double
feature DVD, with the film BLACK
CANDLES (1982), from Deimos Entertainment (long OOP). You
can pick up a DVD-R of it on Amazon from "Mr. FAT-W" (Films
Around The World) for about $10.00, but I saw a fairly nice
anamorphic widescreen print for free on streaming channel FREE
HORROR CHANNEL (under the category "Assorted
Screams"), but you can only receive the channel on a Roku
player, no other streaming device. No Blu-Ray at the time of this
review. Also featuring Floria Marrone. Not Rated, but full of
nudity and bits of gore.
EVILSPEAK
(1981) - "And Satan said to the Man of God...'What would
you do tomorrow if you allowed me to die today? What vocation would
you pursue if my name disappeared?' Kahlil Gibran." So
begins this early-80's minor masterpiece of revenge and retribution
that is only hampered from becoming more popular today by the ancient
computer technology on view (Me? I have no problem with it because I
lived and used every generation of home computer technology, but
kids, teens and even people in their 20's wouldn't understand that
home computers had to start somewhere. I remember when having an IBM
computer with 528 KB of memory was a big deal, DOS was THE operating
system and 5.25" floppy disks were the only way of saving
information!). After the obscure quotation, the film starts in the
Middle Ages, where a defrocked priest named Father Lorenzo Esteban
(Richard Moll; SATAN'S
SUPPER - 1980) is banished from Spain, along with his
followers, by a Bishop for practicing Satanism and desecrating
the Holy Church. Father Esteban holds a Satanic Bible (with a
jewel-encrusted pentagram on the cover) and a demonic sword in his
hands, as he and his followers walk down the beach and Father Esteban
stops and draws a pentagram in the sand with the sword. At a
makeshift altar (along with a large upside-down wooden crucifix
planted in the sand), he performs a Satanic ritual, where he strips a
young woman topless, beheads her with his sword and then (with a nice
editing trick) her flying head turns into a soccer ball, as we are
transported to 1981, where we watch the West Andover Military Academy
lose a soccer game to another military school, thanks to the
non-athletic abilities of nerdy West Andover Military cadet Stanley
Coopersmith (Clint Howard; ICE
CREAM MAN - 1994; who I always thought was the most talented
member of the Howard clan, which includes brother Ron and father
Rance, but they all have their own special talents). Stanley is
always being picked on because of his appearance, especially by
fellow cadet Bubba (THAT
70'S SHOW's Don Stark) and his clique, who are tired of
losing soccer games and nickname Stanley "Cooperdick". The
Coach of the soccer team (Claude Earl Jones; DARK
NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW - 1981) yells out in the locker room
that Academy rules state that every cadet gets equal tyime to play,
but he pulls Bubba aside and infers that if Stanley were to get
injured or banned somehow, he wouldn't have to play him. For some
reason, Stanley is on "punishment duty" (probably because
he was set-up by Bubba and his gang) and is tasked to clean out the
basement of the Academy's chapel, where a huge portrait of Father
Esteban hangs at the entrance to the chapel. The always-drunk and
over-the-hill Sarge (the late, great R.G. Armstrong; THE
BEAST WITHIN - 1982), who works as the Academy's handyman.
lives in the chapel's basement and dislikes Stanley, too. While
Stanley is cleaning out the basement, Reverend Jameson (Joseph
Cortese; the mini-series and short-lived TV series SOMETHING
IS OUT THERE [1988 - 1989]) is gladhanding the Academy's
major financial contributor Mrs. Cauldwell (Sue Casey), the wife of a
Senator and Bubba's mother, telling her the history of Father Esteban
(I'm still flummoxed as to why his portrait hangs in the chapel when
the Reverend knows about his evil past). Stanley discovers some loose
bricks in one of the walls of the chapel's basement and when he pulls
all the bricks away, he finds a secret chamber full of old Satanic
books and Father Esteban's Satanic Bible (along with a baby fetus in
a glass jar!). He takes the Bible with him and then, that night, has
a nightmare of the baby in the jar coming to life. Bubba and his gang
keep harrassing Stanley, even making fun of his parents' deaths in a
car crash, telling him that maybe the "Welfare lady" will
come to see him on visiting day, making Stanley's life a living hell.
The only friends Stanley has at the Academy are fellow black cadet
Kowalski (Heywood Nelson; the TV series WHAT'S
HAPPENING NOW!!
[1985 - 1988]) and head cook Jake (Lenny Montana; BLOOD
SONG - 1982), who think that Stanley deserves better
treatment than he is getting and protect him the best they can. The
one real positive thing Stanley has going for him is that he is a
computer wiz and begins to translate Father Esteban's Spanish Satanic
Bible into a computer. One morning, Stanley wakes up only to find his
alarm clock has been unplugged and his clothes have been tied
together in tight knots, making him late for a class being taught by
Mr. Hauptman (Hamilton Camp, who acts like he is playing a German
officer on an episode of HOGAN'S
HEROES [1965 - 1971]). Hauptman sends Stanley to cruel
Academy head Colonel Kincaid (Charles Tyner; THE
LONGEST YARD - 1974), who whips Stanley on his ass and then
sends him on more "punishment duty" to feed the Academy's
boars their slop and to clean out their pens (I guess they use them
to make bacon and pork chops, but these are nothing like regular pink
pigs by any stretch of the imagination). Stanley accidentally leaves
the Satanic Bible behind and Colonel Kincaid's secretary, Miss
Friedemeyer (Lynn Hancock), tries to pry the jewel-encrusted
pentagran off the cover (unsuccessfully) and suddenly the boars go
crazy and try to kill Stanley. When Stanley returns to Kincaid's
office, he asks Miss Friedemeyer if she has seen his book and she
lies and says no. Jake takes pity on Stanley when he shows up late
for dinner and cooks him a nice steak meal. Jake shows him a litter
of puppies he is hiding and one is sickly and Jake says he probably
isn't going to make it. Stanley begs him to let him have the sickly
puppy (which he names "Freddie"), keeps him in the secret
room in the chapel basement and nurses him back to health (along with
Jake, who gives Stanley scraps left over from dinner to feed to
Freddie). Stanley begins to perform Satanic rituals in the secret
room with his computer as his altar, but nothing happens because it
says on the computer screen that it needs a blood sacrifice (and, no,
Stanley never considers using Freddie for such things since he really
loves the puppy). Stanley mistakenly thinks it works because when he
leaves the secret room, he is attacked by a group wearing pig masks
and robes and Stanley accidentally knocks himself out by banging his
head against a wall, not seeing that it was actually Bubba and his
clique playing another practical joke on him. When the drunk Sarge
discovers that Stanley borrowed his crowbar without his permission
and that he is keeping a puppy in the basement, he threatens to kill
Freddie and rape Stanley, but a big red pentagram appears on the
computer screen emblazened with the name "ESTEBAN" across
it and Sarge's head suddenly makes a 180° turn (it's quite the
sight) and he dies. Next up is Miss Friedemeyer, who is taking a
shower (unenhanced boob alert!) when she hears a noise at her
bathroom door. She opens the door, only to discover a pack of hungry
boars waiting for her. They push her into the bathtub and chow down,
pulling her intestines out like sausage (it's quick, but you can see
it). Hey kids, see what happens when you lie? The Satanic Bible,
which is in her bedroom, then vanishes and reappears in the secret
room next to Stanley's computer. Stanley hides Sarge's body, just in
time to join Kowalski at the "Miss Heavy Artillary" beauty
pagent, where young women in skimpy bathing suits parade around the
cadets with the lecherous Coach as the Master of Ceremonies. Remember
when Coach told Bubba to put Stanley out of commission so he doesn't
play in the next soccer game? Well, now is the time, as Bubba and his
followers depants Stanley (in front of all the girls) and then
threaten Stanley to turn Freddie into sausage if he plays in the next
game. It all really doesn't matter much when a pantless Stanley is
discovered by Colonel Kincaid and permanently kicks him off the
soccer team for unbecoming behavior of a cadet. A drunk Bubba and his
gang bring the girls down to the chapel's basement, where they
discover the secret room along with the words "blood
sacrifice" on the computer screen. The callous Bubba kills and
slices up Freddie with a knife, but nothing happens because the
computer screen now says it needs to be human blood. When Stanley
discovers that Bubba and his sadistic gang have killed his furry
friend, Stanley goes into full Satanic mode to exact revenge.
Everyone at the Academy go to the chapel to pray for a win at
tomorrow's soccer game, while Hauptman looks for Stanley and Sarge in
the basement (Stanley is typing more verses from the Satanic Bible
into his computer). When Hauptman sees Stanley and says, "What
in the Devil do you think you are doing?" (talk about irony!),
Stanley gets superhuman powers and throws Hauptman up in the air,
impaling him on a large round wooden object with spikes hanging from
the ceiling and collects his blood in a chalice. He now has his blood
sacrifice and all Hell then literally begins to break loose as he
invokes Satan's name and, for a few moments, Stanley's face turns
into Father Esteban's. While Reverend Jameson blesses the soccer team
and gives his usual long-winded sermon (this one filled with many
groan-inducing references to soccer), one of the spikes from the
statue of Christ Crucified on the Cross comes loose, flies through
the air and impales the Reverend squarely in the forehead. Everyone
runs for the exit to no avail (the doors won't open), as the church
catches on fire, a hole opens in the chapel's floor, Stanley comes
through it floating in the air carrying Father Esteban's sword and
the pack of hungry boars follow him. Stanley cleaves Colonel
Kincaid's head in two. The boars start chewing on the cadets (the
lucky ones catch on fire and burn to death). Stanley decapitates one
of Bubba's cadet colleagues, as well as Coach, while the boars take
care of everyone else (In one scene, a cadet crawls into a ventiation
shaft followed by a boar. We then see a dismembered human arm fly out
of the
shaft.). Bubba locks himself in the rectory, but a boar breaks a hole
in the door and takes a bite out of his shoulder. Bubba makes it down
to the basement, but a reanimated Sarge grabs him by the neck, lifts
him off the floor and rips out his heart with his bare hands. The
film ends with the following coda: "Suffering from shock and
catatonic withdrawal, attributed to having witnessed the fiery death
of his dear friends and teachers, Stanley Coopersmith, sole survivor
of the tragic accident at West Andover Academy Chapel, was admitted
to Sunnyside Asylum. He remains there still." Stanley's
computer reads, "I, Stanley Coopersmith, will return. I WILL
RETURN!" Too bad that there never was a sequel. This is a
great little slice of early-80's horror and gore, thanks to
director/co-writer/co-producer Eric Weston, who also directed such
films as THE IRON TRIANGLE
(1989), the above-average police actioner TO
PROTECT AND SERVE (1992) and the so-so horror film HYENAS
(2010), among others. He also produced TREASURE
OF THE MOON GODDESS (1987), wrote the screenplay to MERCHANTS
OF WAR (1988) and acted in the still unreleased-to-video THE
FARMER (1977; C'mon Walter Olsen, release it already!). He
still remains active in the business today (or at least when this
review was written in September 2015). This is the Unrated version of
the film, as the MPAA originally slapped it with an X-Rating until
many edits were made. Once you watch this version, you will know why.
Weston and Executive Producer Silvio Tabet have gone on record to
state that there is even more gore missing from the Unrated version,
but the footage seems to be lost, as they cut it out before it was
even submitted to the MPAA (The same thing was said about MY
BLOODY VALENTINE [1981], but the missing footage was
eventually discovered and released on DVD.). Clint Howard shows the
right amount of frustration as the much put-upon Stanley, putting on
a brave happy face for all his trials and trevails yet, for all the
bad things that are done to him, it is the death of his puppy Freddie
that really sets him off (I would feel the same way, too). The music
score, by Roger Kellaway, adds the right amount of creepiness, as it
is full of chanting and choir music which enhances many of the
scenes. Besides some hoary optical and then state-of-the-art computer
effects, the practical make-up effects (by Alan A. Apone, who later
did the effects for NEON
MANIACS - 1985) are bloody and well done (Charles Tyner's
death is a stand-out). Originally released on VHS by CBS/Fox Video in
the theatrical R-Rated cut. Anchor Bay released the Unrated version
on DVD, with a DVD
& Blu-Ray of the Unrated
version (the Blu-Ray was released jointly between Shout!
Factory and Code Red) a
few years later. This review is based on the Blu-Ray, which looks
gorgeous (it was taken from a new high-def master supervised by Eric
Weston) and is so sharp, you can actually make out that the beheading
of the girl in the beginning and Claude Earl Jones' decapitation are
obvious dummies. All-on-all, a nice little time capsule of early-80's
horror full of great character actors. Also starring Louie Gravance,
Jim Greenleaf, Loren Lester, Leonard D'John (all as Bubba's clique),
Kathy McCullen, Bennett Liss, Katherine Kelly Lang and Robert Tafur.
A Shout! Factory/Code Red Blu-Ray Release. Unrated.
THE
EXECUTIONER PART II (1983) &
FROZEN
SCREAM (1981)
- Who
is Renee Harmon and why is she doing this to me? Out of all the
films reviewed in this web site, these two are the absolute worst.
The only constant between the two films is producer, screenwriter
(story credit on FROZEN)
and star Renee Harmon. Even though the storylines (if you could call
them that) are completely
different, both films are strikingly similar in so many aspects that
Ms. Harmon has to take the majority of the blame. Both films contain
bad post-synch sound (as if they were filmed silent), chainsaw
editing that leaves the viewer both confused and disoriented, plenty
of voiceover narration (spoken by the same person in both films) and
the ever-present Ms. Harmon, who with her thick German accent, sounds
like Dr. Ruth if she were to go to Nazi training school. Harmon
speaks every line as if she were saying, "Ve have vays of making
you talk!" THE
EXECUTIONER PART II
is definitely the worst action flick your eyes will ever catch sight
of with its poorly staged action scenes and disbelief-inducing plot.
It's all about a Vietnam vet who kills criminals vigilante style and
a cop (Chris Mitchum) and TV reporter (Harmon) who try to stop him.
Try to make sense of the story if you can. I sure as hell couldn't.
Many of the scenes are unconnected which leads to mucho confusion. To
add insult to injury, there never was an EXECUTIONER
PART 1
(thank God!) and was probably given that title to dupe an uneducated
audience into believing it was a sequel to the then popular film THE
EXTERMINATOR
(1980) starring Robert Ginty. This proves how important it is to stay
in school. This is unfortunately not director James Bryan's only
film. He also directed the bloody but bad DON'T
GO IN THE WOODS (1981; which LAW
& ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT actor Vincent D'Onofrio turned
into a musical horror film
in 2009!!!) and the just plain bad HELL
RIDERS (1984), which also starred Harmon. FROZEN
SCREAM
is an excreable horror flick (co-written by Michael Sonye, who also
wrote the script to BLOOD
DINER - 1987) about a doctor and his assistant (Harmon) who
create a small army of zombies by attaching a device to victims'
necks and freezing them. The zombies are then sent out to collect
more bodies and to capture a girl (Lynne Kocol) who is getting close
to discovering the truth. In comparison, FROZEN
SCREAM
makes Ted V. Mikel's ASTRO
ZOMBIES
(1968) look absolutely professional. Director Frank Roach also made
the bad biker flick NOMAD
RIDERS
(1981). Renee Harmon can also be seen (and heard, dammit!) in LADY
STREET FIGHTER
(1978 - also directed by Bryan) and one of the worst films of all
time, NIGHT
OF TERROR
(a.k.a. ESCAPE FROM THE INSANE ASYLUM
- 1986, which "borrows" footage from FROZEN
SCREAM). The now-defunct Continental
Video label issued THE
EXECUTIONER PART II
and FROZEN
SCREAM
as a double feature on one cassette, both features edited to 75
minutes so they could fit on a T-150 tape (which only makes both
films seem even more fragmented then they originally were!). You may
find it for rent in some of the older video stores or for sale on
eBay or other on-line auction sites.. I dare you to watch them both
in one sitting. Both films are Rated
R.
Also available as a double
feature DVD (both in their full versions; 11 minutes longer on
the first film, 5 minutes longer on the second film) by Vinegar
Syndrome.
EXTRA
TERRESTRIAL VISITORS (1983) -
Most people know this film under the title POD
PEOPLE, thanks to the comic drubbing it took on MYSTERY
SCIENCE THEATER 3000 (in one of their funniest episodes).
While that edition is a comic delight, it doesn't hold a candle to
the experience you'll have watching this, the theatrical release
version. The film opens with three poachers driving to the forest to
pilfer nightingale eggs (!) out of a tree (One poacher says to
another, "Go get that ladder!" and he replies, "OK,
OK! Heil Hitler!"). As they are stealing the eggs, one of the
poachers spots a bright light in the sky and watches it crash into
the forest. Also witnessing the crash is pre-teen Tommy (Oscar
Martin), who watches the bright light decend to Earth through his
telescope. The poacher leaves his two friends to fend for themselves,
steals their truck and drives to the crash site, where he enters a
cave and finds hundreds of alien eggs lying on the cave floor. Then
something attacks and kills him. Rock star Rick (Ian Serra, who we
see performing a terrible pop song in a recording studio, where an
obviously gay engineer is wearing an "I'm
A Virgin" t-shirt) and his entourage (including a quartet of
horny women) hop into an RV and head to this forest for a weekend of
rest and relaxation, while Tommy goes to the cave and steals one of
the eggs. While Ricky and his friends are sitting around a campfife,
Laura (Connie Cheston) goes for a walk in the woods and runs into the
two poachers, who chase her (One of the poachers says, "Jesus,
that little bitch can run a lot faster than I thought!", to
which the other one replies, "Well, you're a jerk!" What?).
While Laura is running away, she almost runs into a strange furry
beast (we only see it's legs) and she ends up falling down a ravine,
seriously injuring herself. Rick and Brian (Emil Linder) rescue the
unconscious Laura and bring her back to the RV. Tommy, meanwhile, has
hidden the egg from his mother Molly (Susan Blake) and crusty Uncle
Bill (Frank Brana) by keeping it under his bed. Just as the egg
hatches, Rick and his gang pull up to Molly's house and ask to use
the telephone to call for help. The phone is dead (big surprise), so
Molly tells them to stay the night because a rock slide has blocked
off the only road to civilization. The two poachers (who don't seem
too concerned about their missing friend) get paid a visit by an
alien while they are sitting next to a campfire (One of them says
non-chalantly, "What on Earth is that? Looks like a cross
between a pig and a bear." Actually, it looks more like a cross
between an elephant and a bear!). After saying, "Be careful, it
could be dangerous!" (duh!) and then talking to the alien as if
it were just another human being, the two poachers try to capture it
("You think it may be worth something?"), but fail
terribly. After they try to subdue the alien (including sneaking up
behind it and then shooting it with a crossbow bolt), it slaughters
the two poachers. Tommy's pet alien, whom he dubs "Trumpy",
grows to adult size in less than four hours, thanks to Tommy feeding
it saucers of milk and a jar of Planter's peanuts (I guess Reese's
Pieces weren't available). What Tommy doesn't know is that Trumpy is
able to shoot death rays out of it's eyes! Bill and Brian hop in
Bill's car to try and find a way out of the forest (after one of the
girls says, "What a fuck-up this back-to-nature crap is!"),
while Trumpy amazes Tommy with feats of magic and levitation, moving
objects around his bedroom (done using stop-motion animation) and
making a CLOSE
ENCOUNTERS (1977)-like song play on Tommy's Simon toy
(Remember that fun plaything? After ten minutes playing with it, it
went on my pile of "Toys To Never Be Played With Again").
Apparently, Laura has died (Bill alludes to it while speaking to
Brian in the car) and Tracy (Maria Albert) wants to watch DALLAS
(1978 - 1991) on TV because, "Seeing other people's problems
makes me forget mine." Bill and Brian drive to a Forest Rangers
cabin, where Brian is attacked and killed by the rogue alien. Trumpy
escapes from Tommy's bedroom, while Rick and girlfriend Sharon (Nina
Ferrer) worry why Brian and Bill haven't returned (Rick says,
"Bill's as thick as two planks!").
Tommy
spies Trumpy killing Tracy in the RV through his telescope, as an
injured Bill returns and gets off a shot at Trumpy with his shotgun,
but misses. Rick is getting antsy and wants to leave (He says, "I
ain't hanging about to find out who's next for the chop!"), but
Bill and Molly talk him out of it (by simply stating, "It's
getting dark outside!"). Trumpy returns and tells Tommy that he
didn't kill Tracy, his brother did (!), so Tommy disguises Trumpy (by
putting a monk's robe on him!) and Trumpy spies on Kathy (Sarah
Palmer) while she takes a shower, scaring the shit out of her. Tommy
finally tells everyone about Trumpy and the other alien's existence
("They just want to be your friend, but nobody will let
them!"), so they try to kill Trumpy! Tommy and Trumpy escape
into the forest, with everyone close behind, guns in hand. Bill gets
killed by the other alien and Rick then kills it witha couple of
rifle shots (the ground opens up and swallows the dead alien!).
Tommy, in a bit of false anger, shoos away Trumpy ("Go away, I
hate you!") and rejoins his mother and Rick. The last we see
Trumpy, he's walking off into the fog-filled forest, all alone. The
End. Wow! This Spanish/French co-production is an obvious
rip-off of E.T. THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL
(1982), but since it was directed by Juan Piquer Simon (PIECES
- 1982; SLUGS -
1987; CTHULHU MANSION
- 1990), you know you're in for something special and this film
delivers it in spades. It's apparent that Simon originally lensed
this as a gore film, but post-production editing (against Simon's
wishes) cut out all the gore (every time someone is about to get
killed, there's an obvious jump-cut) to make it more "family
friendly", but they forgot to edit out all the foul language
(it's plentiful) and brief nudity (Do the gore inserts exist
anymore?). The script, by Simon and Joaquin Grau (who has his name
Anglicized to "Jack Gray") is just one non-stop piece of
unbelievable dialogue after another and I was laughing until I had
tears in my eyes (I had to rewind a few times, just to make sure I
heard correctly!), due to the absurdity of it all. This film didn't
need the MST3000 treatment, because the acting, dialogue and
strange situations (there's so many scenes where day and night are in
the same scene, due to frequent editing errors, the timeline in this
film is like some surreal fairytale) all lend itself to self-parody.
Trumpy and his ilk are a marvel of bad make-up effects. They look
like someone took a dwarf, slapped a miniature bear costume on him
and then put a modified elephant mask on his head. I haven't seen a
costume this bad since ROBOT MONSTER
(1953). The scene where Trumpy magically moves everything around in
Tommy's bedroom is a marvel of low-tech special effects and I nearly
coughed-up a lung when Trumpy transformed Tommy's telescope so that,
when he looked through it, he saw stock footage of elephants in
Africa (maybe a distant relative?). This is now one of my favorite
badfilms of all time and it should be one of your's, too. To sum it
up: Try to find the non-MST3000 version and enjoy it on it's own
twisted merits. You won't be sorry. Executive Producer Dick Randall
added some scenes from Don Dohler's GALAXY
INVADER (1985) to the beginning of this film for THE POD PEOPLE
version of this film. Don't ask me why. EXTRA
TERRESTRIAL VISITORS is also known as THE
RETURN OF E.T. (paging Mr. Spielberg!), THE
UNEARTHLING and TALES OF TRUMPY. Also starring
William Anton, Frank Suzman, Gary Richardson, Hugo Astral and Mark
Treving. The print I viewed was sourced from a Spanish-subtitled VHS
tape that was dupey, but watchable. Available on Mill Creek
Entertainment's SCI-FI
INVASION 50 MOVIE DVD Compilation. Not Rated.
FATAL
FRAMES (1996) - I wanted to
watch this film, if only to see if it was as bad as other reviewers
made it out to be. It's bad, alright, but it is so bad that it has a
goofy charm to it, like director Al Festa had a bad case of explosive
diarrhea, shat it out and filmed it. While basically an overlong (125
minutes) music video vanity production for Festa's wife, singer
Stefania Stella (who plays herself, badly, I might add), this film
does contain some very graphic violence, nudity and other
horror elements, but Festa, who was a film composer by trade
(supplying the scores to ROBOWAR
[1988], COP GAME [1988]
and ZOMBIE 4: AFTER DEATH
[1988; apparently 1988 was a good year for him!], just to mention a
few), is a better composer than he is a director, as he picks the
worst angles to film a scene and makes many other mistakes even a
novice director wouldn't commit (this was his second film). But as a
love letter to his wife, this film works, not for the viewer, but for
Stefania. It should also be noted that this was the last or
near-to-last film for some of the best Italian and English genre
actors, including Donald Pleasence (THE
DEVIL'S MEN - 1976), Rossano Brazzi (FRANKENSTEIN'S
CASTLE OF FREAKS - 1973), Geoffrey Copleston (EMANUELLE
AND THE LAST CANNIBALS - 1977), Ciccio Ingrassia (HOW
WE ROBBED THE BANK OF ITALY - 1966) and David Warbeck (THE
BEYOND - 1981). Some would say this film was cursed, but I
would rather think that it was cursed for a different reason; not
cursed to kill, but cursed to appear in crap like this, wishing that
you were dead instead and that wish being granted!
The film opens with some black and white footage showing a
grandfather making his grandson watch an 8mm reel of film showing a
tied-up, naked black woman being sliced open and then the footage
turns to color, showing a faceless killer in a big floppy black hat
slicing up a woman in a neon-lit alley with a machete, finishing her
off by chopping off her head and then videotaping the bloody carnage
he inflicted (Festa's way of contrasting the past [black & white;
movie projector] with the present [vivid color; video camera]). We
are then shown one of Stefania's music videos, where she walks around
in thong panties and a bra singing "Hey, hey, ah ah" (dig
those lyrics!). Music video director Alex Ritt (Rick Gianasi; THE
OCCULTIST - 1988) is talking to Stefania's agent and
fiancé Daniel Antonucci (Leo Daniel), who offers Alex $100,000
for ten days work to direct a music video to Stefania's newest hit
"Eternal City" (hopefully, the lyrics are more involving!).
Alex accepts the offer and flies to Italy for the shoot. It couldn't
have come soon enough, because a short time earlier, Alex tells
Daniel he witnessed his girlfriend's brutal murder in his apartment,
showing Daniel that the rug he is standing on contains the blood of
his girlfriend's murder, telling Daniel that is all he has left of
her! Once in Italy, the strange stuff happens immediately, but is it
any stranger than keeping a rug containing your girlfriend's blood?!?
As Alex and Daniel are leaving the airport, a beggar (Omero Capanna; HEARTS
AND ARMOUR - 1983) asks Alex for some money, but when he
touches Alex's hand, he gives him back the money, telling Alex (in
Italian) that he is cursed and now he is, too. Alex meets Stefania at
her limo, telling her that he enjoyed her last video because she has
a "European look" (she is Italian, after all!) and Stefania
rambles on (in stilted English; she's a terrible actress), spouting
some New Age mumbo jumbo.
Alex then meets ballet dancer Rebecca (Veronica Logan), a background
dancer in the upcoming music video, and when Alex discovers that she
is from Virginia, a romance blooms. When Alex goes to meet Rebecca
for dinner, he spots her on a fog-shrouded street (fog machines
around every corner) and she tells him to run away, so he runs toward
her instead, watching as the faceless killer in the floppy black hat
slices her with his machete, finishing her off by planting the
machete in her face. The killer then videotapes the aftermath of his
kill, as Alex flags down the police. Instead of listening to Alex,
they handcuff him and when he takes them to the location where
Rebecca was killed, nothing is there, not even a single drop of
blood. Police Commissioner Bonelli (David Warbeck; FORMULA
FOR A MURDER - 1985) tells Alex it was probably a practical
joke, even when Daniel tells him he can't find Rebecca. The police
find a videotape at a phone booth after getting an anonymous phone
call and it shows Rebecca's sliced-up corpse, so Alex becomes the
prime suspect and the police watch him closely. Alex is visited at
the music video shoot (yes, he is still the director!) by Bonelli,
who wants to know why he didn't tell him that Rebecca's death was
videotaped and he tells the Commissioner that he didn't see anyone
videotaping her murder. This just makes Alex look guiltier in
Bonelli's eyes, since he is well versed in using a camera (Hell,
anyone can use a video camera, as all those dreary found-footage
films taught us!).
Parts of the music video are being filmed at a creepy mansion owned
and occupied by the even creepier Countess Alessandra Mirafiori
(Alida Valli; KILLER NUN
- 1978), who insists that if they want to use her mansion, her
friend, Tamara (Nina Soldano; NIGHT
OF THE SHARKS - 1988), a medium, perform a séance.
Over Alex's objections, a séance is performed and Tamara is
possessed by the spirit of Rebecca, who accuses Alex of killing her.
Alex then accuses the Countess and Tamara of framing him and storms
out of the mansion. That night, Tamara phones Alex and tells him to
meet her and when he does, you guessed it, he watches as the faceless
killer in the floppy black hat (dubbed the "Video Killer"
by the press) slices up Tamara with a machete (they must be cheap in
Italy!) and watches helplessly as the killer videotapes his latest conquest.
Meanwhile, Commissioner Bonelli does a deep background search on
Alex and discovers his girlfriend back in Virginia was murdered in
the same way as the victims in Italy, making Alex even look more
guiltier in his eyes. Bonelli hires video forensics expert Dr. Lucidi
(Rossano Brazzi; PSYCHOUT
FOR MURDER - 1969) to look at the footage of Alex's
girlfriend's death (yes, it was videotaped) to see if there are any
similarities in that video as there are in the ones in Italy. Dr
Lucidi finds remarkable similarities in that death and the ones here.
If Alex isn't the killer, is it possible that the killer traveled to
Italy to frame Alex? Enquiring minds want to know, but not Alex, who
believes someone wants him dead. Dr. Lucidi believes there is a
copycat killer on the loose, who kills to get Alex's approval. Alex
is contacted by parapsychologist Wendy Williams (Linnea Quigley; NIGHTMARE
SISTERS - 1987), who offers to prove to Alex that the
séance was a phony, a trick perpetrated by conmen (or, rather,
conwomen) to make him look guilty in everyone's eyes, but Alex is not
interested (does he want to look guilty to everyone???). Commissioner
Bonelli gets a phone call from Mr. Fairbrain (Geoffrey Copleston; THE
BLACK CAT - 1981), who says that he is the father of Alex's
dead girlfriend, whom we discover wasn't his girlfriend at all, but
rather his wife! Mr. Fairbrain tells Bonelli that he is flying to
Italy, because he has something important to tell him (How come
people in films like this can't tell anyone secrets over the phone?
It would sure save them a lot of money for a plane ticket and a
hotel!), When Alex starts seeing his dead wife and Rebecca in his
nightmares (they both accuse him of killing them), he finally calls
Wendy Williams for some help. Things turn from bad to worse for Alex
when Bonelli hires FBI profiler Professor Robinson (a badly dubbed
Donald Pleasence; VAMPIRE
IN VENICE - 1988; in what amounts to an extended cameo), who
has hounded Alex for the past two years, believing he killed his wife
(Alex says to him in front of Bonelli, "I'll rip off your head
and shove it up your ass! Then he (Bonelli) will have something to
arrest me for!"). So how does this all turn out? Is Alex the
killer (he sure acts like he is)? Since I had to suffer through 125
minutes of drivel, do you think it would be fair for me to tell you?
Shouldn't you suffer too?
Besides being atrociously acted by Stefania Stella (SICK-O-PATHICS
- 1996) and Rick Gianasi (To be fair, Gianasi tries, but he is put in
situations so impossible, even the greatest actor in the world would
look bad), there are too many damn characters to keep track of. It's
like director Al Festa painted himself into a corner, as for every
character he adds to the plot adds ten minutes to its running time,
trying to explain why they are there. Donald Pleasence leaves the
film quite unexpectedly (he died during production), phoning Bonelli
and telling him that he has to go back to America, because an old
Halloween case has been reopened! We then see an obvious stand-in
walking away at the airport, as the theme from HALLOWEEN
(1978) plays on the soundtrack! (Edited out of most prints for legal
reasons, but not the one I viewed.) The late Angus Scrimm (PHANTASM
- 1979) makes an appearance as a crazy person, who grabs Alex, says
something incomprehensible and then disappears for the rest of the
film. It is rather obvious that Festa was trying to cram the film
with as many horror film stars as he could find, thinking quantity
would overcome quality, but he was sadly mistaken. Even the music
performed by Stefania Stella is second rate, making you wonder why
she is so popular in Italy (was
she really?). Like I said earlier, this is nothing but a vanity
production used to boost the ego of Festa's wife, but you will soon
wonder what happened to her, since she hasn't been in any
entertainment news...ever. While the violence is graphic and bloody
(lots of sliced skin and flying body parts), they are few and far
between. All we really have is a plot that goes off the rails rather
quickly and never recovers. I am sure a controlled substance or
plenty of booze (or both) will make this film seem better than it
actually is, but I gave up both a long time ago, so I had to suffer
through all 125 minutes of it, Unless you want to see Linnea Quigley
running with a machete planted in her neck, I would advise you to
avoid this film at all costs, even if it is offered to you for free.
The things I do for my readers.
Shot as FATAL FRAMES - FOTOGRAMMI MORTALI
("Fatal Frames - Deadly Frames") and also known as SUSPIRIA
2000 in Japan, this film made it's debut in the United
States on DVD from Image Entertainment and then on DVD
by Synapse Films early in
the New Millennium (both are long OOP). I saw a pretty good uncut,
widescreen print on YouTube, which has since been pulled for
licensing violations. If you must see this, the only way to go is to
pay big bucks for the DVD on eBay or you could use the money for
psychiatric treatments, because if you really wanna see this, you
should have your head examined. Also starring Ugo Pagliani (THE
RED QUEEN KILLS SEVEN TIMES - 1972) Giorgio Albertazzi (FIVE
WOMEN FOR THE KILLER - 1974), Massimo Pittarello (FRANKENSTEIN
2000 - 1992) and Omero Capanna (KILL
THE POKER PLAYER - 1972) as the Video Killer. Not Rated.
PITY FOR MY READERS DEPT:
OK, now I will take pity on you and tell you how this film ends.
After all evidence points to Alex being the killer, we discover that
Mr. Fairbrain was behind the whole thing, masterminding Stefania into
helping him to expose Alex's guilt, because he believes Alex killed
his daughter and he wanted to frame him for the murders in Italy (It
makes no sense at all!). In the unbelievable finale, all the dead
women come back to life, point their fingers at Alex and call him a
murderer. Alex finally confesses to killing his wife, saying she was
going to leave him and "She didn't have the right to leave
me!" He then confesses to killing the other women, calling them
"sluts" and "whores" and we then discover that
Alex's wife was Stefania's sister! (Turns out that little boy in the
black and white opening is Alex, getting the idea for killing women
from watching the S&M film with his sadistic grandfather!)
Commissioner Bonelli overhears everything and takes a laughing, then
crying, Alex away. Yes, it is finally over! Thank me when you leave
and please put your beer on the coasters I provided!
THE
FORGOTTEN WELLS (1989) - If you
thought Sweden was just a country full of beautiful blonde women and
really cold winters, here's a film that may change your mind. Then
again, maybe it won't. At least it is co-directed by the genius
behind THE NINJA MISSION
(1984), Sweden's best and bloodiest martial arts film. After we watch
a crew of people filming Peter Savage (A.R. Hellquist; one of the
Executive Producers) water skiing and parasailing on a lake, we then
switch to the Speedo-wearing Mr. Savage and his bikini-clad squeeze
Suzy (Eva-Karin Bengtson) enjoying a soak in a hot tub. Savage's
boss, Bellamy (Frederick Offrein), enters to tell Savage he has an
interesting job for him (we still don't know Savage's profession
since the opening of the film is rather vague), but he will wait
until tomorrow to tell him (Why not just tell him now? Why, because
it will spoil what happens next!). When Bellamy and Suzy leave the
room, two guys enter and tell the short, but muscular, Savage not to
take the job. When Savage tells them he has no idea what they are
talking about (he really doesn't), one of the guys pulls a gun and
Savage gets a chance to show off his martial arts skills, throwing
both guys into the hot tub. We then switch to "Dr. Forham's
Mental Institute", where someone in a black leather overcoat
and blue jeans (a wearing a white stocking over their head) frees a
patient whose face is bandaged and they both escape. We then find out
that Savage is a news reporter (!), as Bradley assigns him and his
crew to cover a story about the legend of Shequa Fall, an area that
has an old irrigation system containing several deep wells where,
twenty years earlier, the government forced the Tanner family to move
out after their ten year-old son got lost in the underground tunnel
system and was never found. Rumors abound that he is still alive and
an "ape creature" has been spotted in the area over the
years. In two days, the missing son will be legally declared dead
(there's a fortune to be inherited by the surviving family members),
so Bellamy wants Savage and his news crew to check out the place and
"do what you do best" (Huh?). Savage then gets a call from
police Lt. Craig Lammar (Gareth Hunt), who warns Savage not to go to
the old Tanner place until he talks to him in person first (He says,
"Don't go in there like General Custer. You remember what
happened to him?"), a request that Savage immediately ignores.
Meanwhile, the bandaged escaped mental patient (who the film is
extremely careful not to give a name) goes on a murder spree and
heads toward the Tanner place, where Savage and his crew have already
arrived. What happens next is a mixture of FRIDAY
THE 13TH (1980) and Scooby-Doo,
as Savage and his crew creep into the tunnels under the Tanner
place, while the bandaged psycho knocks them off one-by-one during a
torrential thunderstorm and Lt. Lammar, working on orders given by
old man Tanner (Taggen Axelson), sends some gun-toting hitmen to the
Tanner place to make sure no one makes it out alive. Will Savage
survive or will he become the lead story in the headline news?
This mind-boggling combination of horror and mystery, co-directed by
Anders Nilsson (FATAL SECRET
- 1988; and editor of the ultra-violent WARDOGS
- 1986; here using the pseudonym "Andrew Nelson") and Mats
Helge (THE NINJA MISSION
- 1984; BLOOD TRACKS
- 1985; EAGLE ISLAND
- 1986), is so brain-fryingly awful that it transcends its
cranium-pulverizing putridness and becomes an exercise in
unintentional humor that should be seen by all. First off, almost
everyone in the cast (except for English actor Gareth Hunt) speaks
Swenglish, a combination of English with a Swedish accent that
manages to murder the English language (to add insult to injury,
Gareth Hunt tries his hand at a southern U.S. accent and fails
miserably). Secondly, anyone who actually believes this takes place
in the U.S. and that Pete Savage is a respected news reporter should
have their heads examined. The mulleted Savage is so short in stature
and butchers the English language so badly, I can't imagine any U.S.
TV news organization (with the exception of Fox News) who would want
him as a reporter, never mind an anchor. Thirdly, Helge's story (he
co-wrote the screenplay with Nilsson, Tina Ljung, Tim Earle, Gunnar
Trusso, Madeleine Bruze and star Hellquist) is way too complicated
for its own good and none of the many aspects of the script, whether
it be horror, mystery or revenge actioner, is properly fleshed-out
for anyone to give a damn what happens to anyone. Still, you have to
love the way the script has Savage lose his shirt numerous times so
the audience can watch him beat the snot out of the bad guys with his
diminutive muscular naked torso. The violence is rather tame (mainly
gun violence, as the bandaged psycho chooses to strangle his victims)
and there are only a couple of fleeting shots of topless female
nudity, so don't expect the usual Helge bloodbath. You can't beat THE
FORGOTTEN WELLS for pure brain damaged entertainment,
especially when the bandaged psycho fights the now-grown mutated
missing Tanner son in the tunnels. Also starring Adent Cederblad,
Camilla Lunden, Eva Anderson and Helen Anderson. Available on
Swedish-subtitled DVD on the House Of Horror label under the title JAGAD
I UNDERJORDEN. Not Rated.
FRANKENSTEIN'S
ARMY (2013) - As readers
of this site are well aware, I am not a big fan of "found
footage" films. I usually find them headache-inducing, cheap and
downright lousy, but I'm glad to report that this film defies all
those categories and turns this unwelcomed genre on its head,
producing a weird, wild and downright entertaining movie that should
satisfy all fans of horror films. The first thing that separates it
from most films of the found footage genre is that it takes place
during World War II, where a platoon of
Russian soldiers, led by Novikov (Robert Gwilyn), are deep within
Nazi territory, answering a distress call from another platoon of
Russian soldiers in a remote village. Following them around is
cameraman Dimitri (Alexander Mercury), who is filming their every
move with a handheld 16mm camera (way before videotape, so this film
looks great). On their way to the village, they begin to view some
strange things, like a human skeleton that doesn't look 100% human
and a dead German soldier's body in the woods, who's not quite dead
yet and looks to have some metal modification done to one of his
arms. When they get to the village, the first thing they notice is
that it is strangely empty and seems deserted until, that is, they
find a pile of human bodies stacked upon each other, smoldering like
they were part of a human bonfire (Vassili [played by Andrei Zayats],
the violent one in the platoon, spots a still-living female on top of
the burning pile and stabs her in the neck, killing her). They also
notice that every body in the village's graveyard has been dug up,
only empty coffins left in the graves. They decide to use the local
church as their headquarters, but once they are inside it, it looks
like no church they have ever been in (One of the platoon members
says, "Looks like a factory."). When Sacha (Luke Newberry)
goes downstairs to turn on the generator and restores the
electricity, the first thing they encounter is a not-quite-human
body, with an electrical wire attached to its head, that becomes
reanimated and attacks Novikov. He lays there with his intestines
spilled all over the floor and Sergei (Joshua Sasse) mercifully kills
the not-quite-dead Novikov with his knife to stop his suffering. This
leaves Sergei in charge, which doesn't sit too well with sadistic
Vassili. For some reason, their radio is being jammed and they can't
call-out for help, so they begin searching the church and find a
bunch of animals in cages (Vassili grabs a rabbit and slams its body
against a table). As this is happening, Viktor (Karel Roden; HELLBOY
- 2004; THE ABANDONED -
2006), enters the room, is shot in the leg and is taken prisoner.
When he won't talk, Vassili cuts off one of his fingers. Viktor then
offers to take them to what they seek and leads them through a series
of labyrinth-like passageways until he disappears. Then all hell
breaks loose. The platoon is beseiged by a bunch of human-like
creatures with metal parts fused to their bodies (called
"zombots"), many of the parts taken from military weapons,
vehicles and aircraft (They should have known something was up when
they first entered the village. Just before they entered, there was a
strange vehicle that looked like a tank, but wasn't quite a tank. You
have to see it to understand it.). When Ivan (Hon Ping Tang), the
brute muscle of the platoon, has his head and helmet crushed together
by a zombot with a snapping bear trap-like device attached to its
head, the rest of the platoon rescue him and hold-out in another
building, where they run into Eva (Cristina Catalina), Nazi soldier
Fritz (Jan de Lukowicz) and a couple of other people also running
away from the zombots (None of them last long enough for us to feel
any empathy for them). Eva offers to remove the helmet from the
still-living Ivan's head, but when she does so, his brain is still in
the helmet! As the numbers begin to dwindle due to the attacks by a
variety of zombots, including one with an airplane propeller for a
head (Sergei cuts off its power, causing the propeller to break into
pieces, with one of the blades impaling Fritz in the head.), we
discover that it was cameraman Dimitri jamming their radio signals.
It turns out that the Russian government knows about Viktor's
experiments (he's a descendent of the Frankenstein family, as we find
out when Dimitri films Viktor's living quarters, where we see a
painting of the original Dr. Frankenstein and a living female head
attached to the body of a stuffed teddy bear encased in a glass
cage!) and they want Dimitri to try and convince Viktor to join their
side. The rest of the platoon is disposable. When Dimitri ventures
off by himself, he discovers a huge refrigerated warehouse covered
with human bodies hanging on chains and follows one zombot as it
carries the still-living body of Hans (Zdenek Barinka), minus an arm,
on a car attached to railroad tracks. It leads him to Viktor and
Dimitri makes his offer. Before Viktor gives him an answer, Dimitri
watches as Victor and a strange female zombot remove half the brain
of Fritz and put it in the head of Sergei, who has had half of his
brain removed. Viktor hopes to achieve the best of both sides,
creating a Nazi/Russian hybrid with a portable handheld
"generator" of his own creation (the brain removal scenes
are all shown in loving close-up, including Viktor removing a piece
of Fritz's brain from Sergei's head because there is
"too
much"!). Viktor then refuses Dimitri's offer and ties him to a
table, putting Dimitri's camera at his feet to record Dimitri's
transformation into a zombot. Before Viktor can operate, the allies
begin bombing the village and Viktor is shot dead by Sacha, who
cuts-off Viktor's head and takes it and Viktor's journals to safety,
leaving Dimitri strapped to the table to meet his doom. This is
by far one of the best (and funniest, but not in a "ha-ha"
kind of way) horror films to come down the pike in quite a while.
Dutch Director Richard Raaphorst, who also created the designs of the
zombots, hits a home run on his first feature film (He directed a
handfull of shorts before this.). The screenplay, by Chris W.
Mitchell and Miguel Tejada-Flores (FRIGHT
NIGHT PART 2 - 1988; SCREAMERS
- 1995; BEYOND RE-ANIMATOR
- 2003), based on a story by Raaphorst (with a nod to Mary Shelley),
never takes itself too seriously, but be prepared for some extreme
gore and some of the strangest human/machine creations ever to grace
the screen. What I especially liked about this film is that most of
the effects and strange metal/flesh hybrids were done practically (by
Rogier Samuels and his crew), with a minimum of CGI employed. Believe
me when I say that you have not seen creatures like this before on
film. Some of these creations are downright surreal (I won't spoil
what some of the stranger ones look like, but think of Steampunk on
crack and you'll get an idea). For those of you worried that this is
a "found footage" type of film, let me relieve your fears
by saying that the camerawork is pretty smooth, with very little of
that "shakey-cam" technique applied that usually wrecks
most films in this genre for me. The film does stop a few times while
Dimitri changes to a new cartridge, but it doesn't hurt the movie at
all. I recommend this film to all readers of this site. FRANKENSTEIN'S
ARMY has everything you need to satisfy your hunger for a
horror film (even brief female nudity, but it's not titilating at
all). See it! Filmed in English in the Czech Republic. Also starring
Mark Stevenson as platoon member Alexei (who suffers a memorable
death by the lead zombot, a terrific creation with a huge spinning
drillbit for a nose), Klaus Lucas and Linda Balabanova. This first
played simultaneously as a limited theatrical release and as a Video
On Demand title (something which is becoming very commonplace for
independent films). A Dark Sky Films Blu-Ray/DVD
Release. Rated R.
FUNNY
MAN (1994) - When Callum Chance
(Christopher Lee) loses his ancestral home in a game of high stakes
poker to record producer Max Taylor (Benny Young), after Max makes a
straight flush using the Joker as a wild card (Callum only had a pair
of deuces, so it's apparent he wanted to lose), Callum makes the
following statement to Max: "You're a funny man, Mr. Taylor, but
I've met funnier. And so will you." Truer words were never
spoken. Max moves his family, including wife Tina (Ingrid Lacey),
teenage daughter Jamie (Jamie Heard) and young son Harry (Harry
Heard), into the Chance ancestral home and it's not long before the
Chance family curse, in the shape of a grotesque hunchbacked court
jester known as the Funny Man (Tim James, who is marvelous in the
role), begins terrorizing and killing the Taylor family, beginning
with young Harry. Meanwhile, Max's ex-rocker brother Johnny (Matthew
Devitt) is driving a van full of Max's personal belongings to the
Chance home, when he stops to pick up four hitch-hikers: Frumpy bird
watcher Thelma Fudd (Rhona Cameron), a "Crap Puppeteer"
(George Morton), a "Hard Man" (Chris Walker), and a
"Psychic Commando" (Paulene Black), a black woman who reads
tarot cards and knows that they
are all heading into serious and deadly trouble. By the time Johnny
and the four hitch-hikers make it to the Chance ancestral home, the
Funny Man has already killed Harry (off-screen), Tina (bloodily
bludgeoned to death) and Jamie (electrocuted and burned to death when
jumper cables are attached to her ears) and Max has disappeared. The
Psychic Commando warns everyone about a bad presence in the house
(after she injects some unknown drug between her fingers), but Johnny
disregards the warning and has everyone split up to look for his
brother and his family. This gives the Funny Man ample opportunities
to dispatch them in various bloody, yet comical, ways. Max is going
on a nightmare tour of the house, riding through the hallways and
rooms while trapped in a shopping cart like it's some cheap carnival
horror house ride. Johnny makes some discoveries about Max's
treachery towards him (like Mick Jagger wanting Johnny to become a
member of the Rolling Stones, but Max kept the letter and never told
him), so it's up to the Psychic Commando (who can now shoot rockets
from her fingertips!) to do battle with the Funny Man, but is she
strong enough to defeat him? Sadly, no, but Johnny gets his wish to
be a rock star before being sent to Rock 'N' Roll Heaven and Max gets
to suffer an eternal fate that's far worse than death. This
British horror comedy, directed and written by Simon Sprackling (his
only feature-length directorial effort), is, for the most part, a
funny, scary thrill ride, but there are a few times when the low
budget shows its edges and some of the accents could have benefited
by the use of subtitles. Some of the deaths on view are downright
ingenious, such as when the bespectacled Thelma (who is a dead-ringer
for Velma on SCOOBY-DOO)
has her brains and eyeballs blown out of her head (with her
eyeglasses still attached!) and they go flying through the air,
landing in a cooking vat; or when the Crap Puppeteer has the top of
his head and hands blown off when they are used in the Funny Man's
twisted Punch & Judy puppet show. The overall effectiveness of
the Funny Man character is cheapened somewhat by having him speak
directly to the camera, like we are in on the joke. I could have done
without those bits because it reminds the viewer that we are watching
a movie, but as the film progresses, it gets a little darker in tone
and much bloodier (the Hard Man has a woman's high heel shoe jammed
in his eye; the Funny Man gorily bursting through the Psychic
Commando's body; Max's final fate is a sight that won't easily be
forgotten [and it looks painful as hell]). Some of the set designs
are also very good (the titty bar scene had me in stitches), as are
the various disguises that the Funny Man wears throughout the film.
As far as horror comedies go, FUNNY MAN
is one of the best the 90's had to offer. Although Christopher Lee's
screen time is minimal here (and it's implied that this whole film
may be nothing other than a fantasy played-out in the obviously
insane Callum's mind), he does sing the title tune (with a children's
choir!) during the closing credits: "Funny Man, Funny Man. He's
cheeky and he's cruel. Funny Man, the naughty Funny Man. He'll play
you for a fool. The joke's on you!" Priceless. Also featuring
Bob Sessions, Ed Bishop and John Chancer as the poker players in the
film's opening scene. Originally available on VHS from Arrow Video. A
Subversive Cinema DVD Release. Rated R.
GET
MEAN (1975) - This should be
titled "Stranger In A Strange Land"! This is certainly the
strangest Western that I have ever seen and that is a good thing. As
a matter of fact, this doesn't play like a western at all. It plays
more like some twisted fantasy where our hero is put in so many
unusual situations, it seems like some fever dream come alive.
The film opens with The Stranger (Tony Anthony; BLINDMAN
- 1971) being dragged
by a horse through the Wisconsin countryside and across an old
rickety wooden bridge into a ghost town. As soon as the horse enters
the ghost town, it dies and the Stranger frees himself from his binds
(there are multiple shots with metal reflective spheres that I guess
symbolize something, but damn if I know what is is!). He walks into a
tavern, where an old woman gypsy says to him, "We were expecting
you!" Another gypsy pours $10,000 in coins on a table and tells
him that the money is his if he will escort Princess Elizabeth Maria
de Burgos (Diana Lorys; HOUSE
OF PSYCHOTIC WOMEN - 1973) to Spain. The Stranger asks for
$50,000 (he has no idea where Spain is!), telling the Princess for
that amount of money, "Lady, I'll take you any goddamned place
you want to go!" Suddenly, a group of Barbarians enter the
tavern (one of them is wearing a horned helmet, like a Viking!) and
begin to throw the Stranger and the gypsies across the room (Look for
this film's director in a cameo as one of the gypsies). The Stranger
gets the upper hand (branding a couple of them with a hot poker) and
realizes that this trip to Spain is not going to be an easy one.
They make it to Spain (thanks to footage borrowed from MY
NAME IS NOBODY - 1973), where the Princess shows the
Stranger her castle, telling him it was built by the Moors years ago
to protect her people from the Barbarians. She then tells him about
the "Treasure of Rodrigo", which gets the Stranger's
undivided attention. The treasure is hidden somewhere and only their
General, Emir (George Rigaud; EYEBALL
- 1975), knows where it is. Suddenly, they are stuck in the middle of
a large-scale battle between the Moors and the Barbarians. A huge
battle ensues, the Barbarians using a unique cannon setup (multiple
cannons mounted on a revolving lazy susan!) and the Moors using guns
and swords (lots of impalements and cut faces). The Barbarians win,
the Moors retreating, their General seriously injured. The head of
the Barbarians, Shakespeare-quoting hunchback Sombra (co-screenwriter
Lloyd Battista; THE
SILENT STRANGER - 1968; also with Anthony) has to rein-in
the brutish Diego (Raf Baldassarre; ZAMBO,
KING OF THE JUNGLE - 1972) from killing the Stranger.
Instead of killing him, they string him up by his feet and leave him
there, the gay member (!) of the Barbarians, Alfonso (David Dreyer; FUZZ
- 1972), laughing as they take the Princess prisoner and head back to
the castle (Alfonso says of the Princess: "She's not a Princess,
she's an ill-bred bitch!"). The Stranger hangs there for hours
in the blazing sun, until beautiful gypsy woman Morelia (Mirta
Miller; COUNT
DRACULA'S GREAT LOVE - 1972) frees him and takes him to her
village. He meets a dying General Emir and asks for his $50,000, only
to be told that when they find Rodrigo's Treasure he'll be paid. The
General dies, but before he does, he mentions "a temple in the
mountains" to Morelia. Is this where the treasure is hidden?
The Barbarians then attack the village and, once again, the Stranger
gets the upper hand, making one Barbarian hold up two other
Barbarians by their feet over a steep wall, as payback for him being
hung up by his feet. The Barbarian's arms get tired and he drops his
comrades on their heads on the rocks below, killing them. The
Stranger then rides to the castle, asking Alfonso to take him to
their leader (Alfonso says, "Move that animal and I'll take you
there!" in his effeminate voice). The Stranger says to the crowd
gathered, "Nobody get nervous, because I come in peace!"
and then proceeds to talk to the Barbarians as if they were cavemen,
offering them beads and other trinkets as a sign of friendship. This
only makes Diego mad and, once again, Sombra has to calm him down.
Sombra, who quotes Shakespeare's Richard III (He thinks he is the
reincarnation of Richard III!), tries to talk to the Stranger, but he
has no idea what he is saying, pissing off the hunchback (They really
should have used hunchback actor Luciano Rossi [DEATH
SMILES ON A MURDERER - 1973] for this role, as there would
be no need for extra padding on his back!). The Stranger offers a
trade, Rodrigo's Treasure for the Princess, and Sombra agrees, but
the Stranger still has no idea where the treasure is. He finds the
Princess tied to a rack and Sombra agrees to free her if he takes him
to the treasure. The Stranger then sees a very surreal Barbarian
party, where a bunch of lesbians are making out, while a group of
blind men watch them! (The Stranger says, "Oh, dear God, they
got some ugly women in this country!") The Princess is then told
that in order for her to get her hands on the treasure, she will
first have to go through the "Trials of Death", an ancient
ritual where danger and death lurk around every corner. The Stranger
takes her place and what he goes through next is a real piece of
surreal cinema. The Stranger enters a cave filled with coffins and
begins to howl like a wolf, as invisible fists punch him in the face
(He says, "All you people in those coffins, I don't believe in
such stuff, so don't you try turning me into a wolf!"). In the
cave, he is almost blown-up and when he exits it, he discovers his
whole body has turned black (when he looks down his pants and sees
his penis is black, he screams!). He is then chased around by a bull
and falls down a crevasse into another cave, where he steals a small
gold horse statue. The Stranger then enters an old temple, where
Diego is waiting for him, wanting to know where the treasure is. He
hands the horse statue to him and says, "But, mister, now you
got to get me a doctor, because I turned black all over and I think
I'm gonna die!" Diego is not happy and searches Diego and a
piece of jewelry called the "Scorpion's Sting" falls from
his body. Alfonso, who is visibly frightened, says that the
Scorpion's Sting brings death to whomever claims it and hands it to
the Stranger. He is then tied-up and placed on a platter of what
looks like the world's biggest salad, looking like a pig about to be
roasted, a potato in his mouth! Sombra then gets into a fencing match
with Morelia and kills her when she tries to run away, stabbing her
in the back with his rapier. The Stranger is then roasted over a
spit, Sombra saying to Diego, "The flames are very low, so it's
up to you whether he be rare, medium or well done!"
Alfonso, who is disguised as one of the red-hooded members of the
Barbarian cult, frees the Stranger, as long as he agrees to take him
to the treasure. Once free, the Stranger turns the tables on Alfonso,
making him swallow a large ball of wax (!), and telling him to
deliver that message to Sombra. Sombra and Diego force-feed Alfonso
like a "stuffed turkey" until his "message" is
delivered (WTF?!?). Alfonso eventually passes the ball of wax and
Sombra and Diego discover that the wax concealed the Scorpion's Sting
inside it (a portend of things to come).
The Stranger is tired of all the abuse, now is the time for him to
"Get Mean". But first he is captured by the lesbians, who
use him for their pleasure! Alfonso appears and challenges the
Stranger to a duel, slapping him across the face and saying that the
weapons are of the Stranger's choosing. The Stranger then gives
Alfonso a series of slaps and the lesbians pile-on the gay Barbarian.
The Stranger says, "What a country. Women are men and men are
women!" The Stranger shoots dynamite-laced arrows over the
castle walls, causing mass confusion for the Barbarians. When they
put the revolving cannons in place, the scared Barbarians retreat,
leaving Sombra by himself. The Stranger kills Diego's men with his
four-barrelled shotgun (!), leaving Diego and the Stranger to battle
it out, mano-a-mano. He pours gunpowder down Diego's throat and, as
he convulses, the Stranger finishing him off with his pistol.
"You're worse than trash. You're garbage!" says the
Stranger, shoving a potato in Diego's mouth. The disembodied voice of
the Stranger taunts Sombra, who accidentally discovers Rodrigo's
Treasure when an errant cannonball exposes it. Sombra kills Alfonso
by burning him alive, as the Stranger approaches him (multiple
dynamite explosions behind him, in a very effective scene). Sombra
pleads for his life, saying, "I am Richard III, King of all of
England!" as the Stranger challenges him to a duel, his cannons
against his six-shooter. As Sombra's cannons miss him, the Stranger
kills him with his pistol. "The King is dead. Long live the King
or whatever they say." are the Stranger's final words, as he
exits this strange country called Spain and returns to America (cue
the shiny metal
sphere. WTF?!?).
Wow. Just wow. While watching this film (recommended to me by my
friend Steven. Thanks Steven!), all I could think of was how it
resembled Sam Raimi's ARMY OF DARKNESS
(1992; thanks once again Steven!), making me wonder if Raimi saw this
film before he made his. Besides horses and six-shooters, this really
is not a Spaghetti Western in the traditional sense (or even in the
non-traditional sense!), but a fantasy adventure film with Vikings
(although we never hear that word), Moors, supernatural elements and
above all, a strong gay subtext that is tossed in the viewer's face,
something you never see in a Spaghetti Western (or any Western).
Director Fernando Baldi, who made many Spaghetti Westerns, as well as
the brutal thriller TERROR
EXPRESS (1979) and the actioners WAR
BUS (1985) and JUST
A DAMNED SOLDIER (1988; his final film), was also
responsible for the film that kicked-off the early-'80s 3-D craze, COMIN'
AT YA! (1981) and its companion piece, TREASURE
OF THE FOUR CROWNS (1983), both starring Tony Anthony.
Speaking of Tony Anthony, he made a series of "STRANGER"
Spaghetti Western films in the late-'60s and basically carried-over
that character to this film, although with more dialogue. When it
comes to really "out there" films, this one is hard to
beat. The battle scenes are large in scope (and it needs to be seen
in widescreen to appreciate the large quantity of background actors
who were hired to participate in the battles) and there is a sense of
brutality herein, even though it is basically played for broad
comedy. It's also hard to believe that this gained a PG Rating when
released to U.S. theaters (distributed by Cee Note Inc., a company I
never heard of before), but it doesn't surprise me because many adult
themed films in the '70s achieved that rating, deservedly or not.
Recommended for both Western and weird film lovers (you know who you
are!). As far as I can discern, this never obtained a legitimate VHS
release in the United States, making its first appearance on these
shores as a Blu-Ray/DVD combo pack from Blue
Underground in 2015 (It was released on DVD and Blu-Ray in
Germany under the name TIME
BREAKER). I saw it in widescreen on YouTube (Thanks again
for the link, Steven!), which seems to be the go-to site for
undiscovered gems like this one. I will be purchasing the Blue
Underground disc set because I always want to do the right thing (and
BU always delivers the goods in primo fashion). Also starring Sherman
'Big Train' Bergman (RUNNING
SCARED - 1980), Raul Castro and Remo De Angelis (MY
DEAR KILLER - 1972) as the horn-helmeted Viking that attacks
the Stranger in the tavern. Rated PG.
GODMONSTER
OF INDIAN FLATS (1973) -
While most reviewers have given this obscure film bad press as a
hokey monster flick, I believe that theyve missed the whole
point of this film. Sure, it contains a badly-assembled mutant 8 foot
sheep (yeah, you heard me right), but I doubt that is all
director/producer/writer Fredric Hobbs (who was also responsible for
the title creation) was aiming for in this film. It is also a
finely-crafted piece of political Americana. There are actually two
monsters here: One is the mutant sheep.
The other is more dangerous. He is the mayor and patriarch of
Comstock, Nevada, a historical wild west tourist trap. He controls
the town with an iron fist, keeping tabs on the local citizens by
means of electronic surveilance and is not above committing murder to
keep his town under control. The subplot deals with a mutant sheep
being born due to escaping yellow phosphorous gas from a nearby mine.
A scientist takes the fetus to his lab in Indian Flats (located next
to Comstock) and nurses it to adulthood. Meanwhile, a representative
from a huge corporation comes to Comstock in hopes of buying the
towns mining rights. The mayor has eyes on the mining rights
for himself and sets-up the representative on a trumped-up attempted
murder charge. The mayor gathers up an old-fashioned vigilante group
and tries to hang the rep, but he escapes and ends up at the
laboratory at Indian Flats. Events that follow lead to the mutant
sheep escaping and causing havoc in Comstock. The mayor orders
"the damaged mongoloid beast" to be captured alive so he
can display it to paying customers ("Feast your eyes on the 8th
Wonder of the World!"). The finale is a surreal experience as
the townspeople turn on the monster and the mayor. You have to see it
to believe it. Director Fredric Hobbs (ROSELAND
- 1970; ALABAMAS
GHOST
- 1972) is a true film fanatics dream. Daring to take chances
that sometimes fail, you still get the feeling that at least he is
trying something different and sticking to his vision. This film
contains a dog funeral, assorted bad guys (one is a disgraced Wall
Street broker!), a tear gas shooting party and the aforementioned
mutant sheep. The most unusual aspect of this film is that the
corporate representative is the only black man in this film and not
once is race ever brought up as an issue. It is truly refreshing to
watch a film where a black person is treated just like everyone else,
a real rarity for a 70s exploitation film. Watch GODMONSTER
OF INDIAN FLATS
with an open mind and you may find yourself having a good time.
Starring Russ Meyer regular Stuart Lancaster (FASTER
PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL!
- 1965) as the mayor, E. Kerrigan Prescott (ALABAMAS
GHOST
- 1972) as the scientist, HILL
STREET BLUES
(1981 - 1987) actor Robert Hirschfeld as the sheriff, Christopher
Brooks (THE
MACK -
1973), Peggy Browne, Erica Gavin (CAGED
HEAT
- 1974) and Richard Marion (CHILDS
PLAY 3
- 1991; who later directed episodes of EVERYBODY
LOVES RAYMOND
[1996 - 2005] on TV!). A Something
Weird Video
Release. Not
Rated,
but would probably get a PG-13
in todays climate. UPDATE: Now available on Blu-Ray
from AGFA/Something
Weird Video and streaming
on Amazon Prime.
GRAVEYARD
DISTURBANCE (1988) - I must
first make a confession before I begin this review: I'm a night owl
who watches films at ungodly hours of the night; actually the very
early morning, between 2:00 and 6:00 AM. I attempted to watch this
Lamberto Bava-directed film twice during the early morning and both
times I fell asleep, so I decided that the next time I would make it
the first film I watch for the night. All I can say, after watching
it straight through for the very first time, is that I kept wishing I
was sleepy, because this was the longest 91 minutes of my life. While
this film may be considered a
master course of style over substance, as it is very atmospheric, but
nonsensical, the fact is you'll be wanting to kill the five young
people who make up the cast, because they do and say things no human
being from this planet ever would. These three dicks and two cunts
(That may sound harsh, but I'm actually being polite!) are perfect
examples of people who don't deserve to live, because they do the
most hurtful and asinine things to each other, as well as talk as no
person I ever heard and say idiotic things to people they don't know,
that you'll be wondering if they are human or some kind of alien that
has watched too much of Earth's TV and believe this is the way all
humans act. Either way, you'll be wishing them all a painful death,
but you'll be severely disappointed in the way this film concludes.
Frankly, it makes absolutely no sense at all, as it is merely a way
for the filmmakers to write themselves out of a corner they painted
themselves in. As I am writing this, I suddenly feel very sleepy...
(...8 hours later) The film opens with four overage
teenagers, Robin (Gregory Lech Thaddeus; his only film), Tina (Lea
Martino; Bava's YOU'LL
DIE AT MIDNIGHT - 1986), Micky (Beatrice Ring; ZOMBI
3 - 1987) and her brother David (Karl Zinny; Bava's DELIRIUM:
PHOTO OF GIOIA - 1987), shoplifting in a convenience store,
while their friend Johnny (Gianmarco Toganazzi; PETOMANIAC
- 1983, the Italian fart movie!) waits outside in his van, like some
ad hoc getaway driver. After stealing two chocolate bars (Really?)
and getting caught by the shopkeeper (portrayed by
director/co-screenwriter Lamberto Bava), the four punks quickly pile
into the van and Johnny takes off, worried that they will get caught
by the police (over two chocolate bars, really?). Sure enough, the
shopkeeper tells the cops that he wants them arrested and they nearly
get caught at a police roadblock (over two chocolate bars, really?),
but Johnny guns it and blows past the roadblock, nearly killing two
cops in the process (over two chocolate bars, really?). Johnny and
the gang get lost in a heavy fog and end up in a cut-rate version of
the TWILIGHT ZONE.
After hearing wolves howling and seeing a driverless horse-drawn
funeral carriage, Johnny crosses a shallow river with his van trying
to find the nearest town, but the second river he tries to cross
proves to be far deeper than it seemed to be, causing the van to
stall out and get stuck in the middle of the river, forcing the
quintet to hoof it on foot. After seeing a weird local with a light
blinking out of his left eye, who refuses to acknowledge they even
exist, darkness approaches and they must find some place to sleep.
They discover giant unknown animal footprints in the dirt (which is
dropped from the plot as soon as they are shown) and find the ruins
of an old, ancient church and decide to sleep there, ignoring a stone
grave marker containing the warning of a curse to those who enter
here, written in Latin (What's surprising is that David knows Latin
and translates it!). While they are sleeping, a stranger with a
glowing red eye watches them, waking up Robin, who then wakes up his
friends. After failing to locate the stranger (he totally disappears
from the rest of the film), the group of high school dropouts
discover that they were sleeping on the roof of a tavern (complete
with a "Miller High Life" neon sign!) and decide to enter
it. This is when the film goes completely off the rails and I don't
mean in a good way!
In the tavern, they order some sausages and beer from the one-eyed
tavern keeper (Lino Salemme; Bava's DEMONS
- 1985), oblivious to the fact that his empty eye socket is emitting
a blinking red light! David makes a joke about werewolves and all the
patrons in the tavern turn and look at them, all of their eyes
glowing in the dark (David asks the tavern keeper if he ever saw AN
AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON [1981] and he tells David that
no one here goes to the movies). A one-armed man (Gianpaolo
Saccarola; THE
HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY - 1981) approaches the group, telling
them that a werewolf tore off his arm and then says something else is
growing on his body and do they want to see it. Before they can
answer, he thrusts his "missing" arm out of the fly of his
trousers (!) and everyone in the tavern laughs, except for the
overage teens, thinking that the joke was funny (It actually is,
because we didn't expect such somber people to have a sense of humor).
Micky has to use the "ladies" and the tavern keeper tells
her it is upstairs, where she finds a large glass goblet full of
valuable jewelry and cash (as well as an American Express card!). She
yells to her friends to come take a look at it and the tavern keeper
tells them that the goblet contains the valuables left there by
people who failed to win a contest. When David asks what the contest
is, he is told that if you put money in the goblet, you must spend
the entire night in a crypt located in the catacombs beneath the
tavern (The tavern keeper tells the kids that the crypt is considered
"Hell's waiting room", failing to elaborate on the remark).
If you spend the entire night in the crypt and come out at dawn, you
can collect everything in the goblet as a reward. David gets the
bright idea to be the next person to participate in the contest (he
throws his entire wallet into the goblet!), telling his friends to
come to the crypt when the tavern closes, because as long as they are
all together nothing bad can happen to them. Wanna bet?
The tavern keeper leads David to the locked iron gate that leads to
the basement of the tavern, accompanying him a short way to a ladder
that will lead him below to the catacombs and then the crypt,
laughing the entire time. He hands David a lantern and then leaves
David alone to find his way. David's friends leave the tavern and
patiently wait for it to close, not realizing that the tavern keeper
is fully aware that they are coming back to join David, even
unlocking the iron gate so they can do so. When the tavern keeper
closes up shop (where it is revealed he has a working TV!), the four
clueless teens enter the tavern to join their friend, but they cannot
find David in the creepy, cobweb-filled catacombs, which are full of
decaying corpses and skeletons (we see the jaw of one skeleton
chattering, which is a physical impossibility). It turns out David is
playing a practical joke on them, jumping out of the darkness and
scaring the shit out of his friends (If I had a gun, I would have
shot him in the head, but the other four laugh it off like it is no
biggie). When Micky pushes her brother into a rotting coffin, it
breaks open and a corpse of a zombie comes out of it, but instead of
attacking the kids, he opens up another coffin of a female zombie and
puts his hand on one of her breasts! She slaps him and slams the
coffin lid shut. It's obvious that Bava is trying to insert some
humor into the film, but the sad fact is it fails miserably and seems
like a sorry attempt to excuse bad filmmaking.
As expected in films like this, the group gets separated and Robin
falls into a pit filled with water containing body parts and
skeletons of corpses, as well as a giant eyeball creature that swims
in the water and tries to attack Robin, but he escapes the pit (after
seeing a vision of all his friends dead, calling for him to climb up
and join them). Unfortunately, his friends aren't dead and he soon
joins Tina, who also got separated from her friends. We then see a zombie
woman with eight eyeballs (two regular ones and six scattered
about her rather large forehead in no particular order) as she serves
a formal dinner to her zombie family (one zombie has two large buck
teeth and another has one large sharp tooth sticking out the middle
of his mouth), which consists of apples infested with worms,
centipedes in worm sauce and some mystery meat, all of it disgusting.
When Robin and Tina enter the room, all the zombies scream and jump
in their coffins, closing the lids (another bad, but weird, attempt
at humor).
As dawn approaches (David can't wait to get his hands on the loot),
we see the police finding Johnny's van overturned in a ravine, making
audiences believe that the five teens are dead and in Hell. When the
police look in the van, they find it empty and we see the tavern
keeper telling David and his group that they have won the contest, so
they greedily take everything out of the glass goblet, stuffing the
money into their pockets and wearing the expensive jewelry, while the
tavern keeper laughs wildly and then transforms into a rotting zombie
version of the Grim Reaper, complete with scythe! The teens think
they are dead, too, and run out of the tavern, only to get arrested
by the police for petty larceny (over two chocolate bars, really?).
The film ends there, as the teens are handcuffed and put into the
back of police cars. WTF?!?
To say nothing happens here, as no one gets killed, there's no gory
violence and absolutely no nudity, is an understatement. That is
because this
is the first of four TV movies Lamberto Bava (MACABRE
- 1980; BLASTFIGHTER
- 1984; BODY PUZZLE
- 1992) directed and co-wrote (with Dardano Sacchetti; Bava's A
BLADE IN THE DARK - 1983; DEVIL
FISH - 1984; and DEMONS 2
- 1986) for his 1989 TV mini-series BRIVIDO
GIALLO ("Thrilling Giallo"), which also included UNTIL
DEATH (1988), DEMONS
III: THE OGRE (1989; a.k.a. THE
OGRE) and DINNER WITH A VAMPIRE
(1989), none of them giallo flicks. These are horror films sprinkled
with grotesque scenes of humor, none of them funny at all, but some
people find them memorable just for their weirdness and WTF?!?
strangeness (but not me), such as this film's 8-eyed zombie lady
presiding over a formal dinner, played for humor rather broadly. If I
were forced to mention one good thing about this film, it would be
that the zombie makeups are very well done, as is the catacombs set.
The crew involved in covering the catacombs with cobwebs went a
little overboard, as everything seems to have a thick layer of the
stuff covering it. I am also surprised that some reviewers actually
like this film, stating it is like watching a movie shot in some
alternate dimension, but I don't see it. To me, it is nothing but a
badly written film where the "actors" spout their lines
like they think every normal person does. Here's what Tina says
during one point in the film: "Let's get one thing straight. I
like silly, fun things, like candy, Christmas carols, Woody Allen,
things like that. I made a decision never to die because it gives me
the creeps!" Does any teenager actually talk like that? In the
finale, the group decides that the ditzy Micky is the best person to
find a way out of the catacombs. Let's just say that this is an
alternate dimension I never wish to visit. Couple that with the truly
mind-boggling denouement, which reeks of pure desperation, and this
is a film I wish never to revisit again. It's not the worst of the
four films (that would be DEMONS
III: THE OGRE, which truly is a torture to watch), but it is
a surefire way to cure you of insomnia. Consider it celluloid Ambien.
Shot as UNA
NOTTE AL CIMITERO
("A Night At The Cemetery"), this TV movie had neither a
theatrical or VHS release in the United States, making its first
appearance here as a DVD
in 2009 from Mya Communications, which is long OOP. No updates to the
DVD since then, but it can easily be found streaming on YouTube
(which is how I suffered through it) for people who like to burn off
their nose hairs with butane lighters (I have to watch shit like
this, but you don't!). Also featuring Lamberto Bava's son, Fabrizio
Bava (first assistant director on Dario Argento's THE
CARD PLAYER - 2004) and Mirella Pedetti (a seamstress on
Michele Soavi's THE SECT
- 1991). Not Rated.
THE
GREASY STRANGLER (2016) -
"My son is a crapper. He craps in the bed, he crapped on his
mother's leg and he crapped on top of the TV!" Every once in
a while I find a strange film in my mailbox. I get sent many films,
usually the ones that aren't worth the plastic they are recorded on,
but every so often something comes along that is so unusual, so
twisted, that you can't help but sit up and take notice. This is one
of those films. Not only did it make me think long after I watched
it, but I actually had a nightmare about it the night that I did view
it. I can't say that about many films. You don't usually see me
mention the words "cult" and "films" in the same
sentence (I think that
the audience makes it a cult film, not the filmmakers) but this is
guaranteed to be a cult film in the years to come. You'll think the
same thing once you see it too. It hits all the right notes, will
make you want to retch at some of the visuals and doesn't shy away
from anything, This is early John Waters territory, if he were
on LSD (that is a good thing). The acting comes from another planet.
but it works beautifully within the confines of this film, there are
lines of dialogue that will make you laugh out loud (it is all in the
delivery) and there is graphic full frontal male and female nudity
(the filmmakers said that all of the penises in this film were
prosthetic, but they are still disgusting!). Rather than giving my
regular spoiler-filled review (I would rather let you discover it),
I'll just touch the surface of this instantly memorable film (which
was produced by of all people, actor Elijah Wood! [MANIAC
- 2012]). A brief description: Beer-bellied and man-boobed Big
Brayden (Sky Elobar; who delivers his lines like he comes from an
alternate Earth) and his cranky, big man-boobed, balding white-haired
father, Big Ronnie (Michael St. Michael; whom you may remember was
the star of THE VIDEO DEAD
- 1987), run a tour of closed discos in the Los Angeles area, where
daddy makes up stories about the Bee Gees, Michael Jackson and John
Travolta (He tells his son that back in the 70's , he was a disco
king that hobnobbed with all the big disco stars!). They have four
paying tourists on this walking tour and when an Indian tourist (Sam
Dissanayake; who does an extremely funny bit a little later in the
film when he mispronounces the word "potato") asks for
verification of his story, Big Ronnie says, "What are you a
bullshit artist?!?" (you'll be hearing that word a lot in this
film, but it never grows old) and pulls down his pink disco shorts
and farts in their direction (The pink outfits that both father and
son wear shows their nipples protruding from their man-boobs! They
almost look like transsexuals!).
The tourist also mentions that free drinks were mentioned in the
brochure and Big Ronnie yells out "No Free drinks!" Another
tourist, Janet (Elizabeth De Razzo; she was "Maria" on the
funny HBO Comedy series EASTBOUND
& DOWN [2010 - 2013]) catches Big Brayden's eye and they
start a romantic relationship, much to Big Ronnie's displeasure. He
tries to ruin the relationship by any means, even parading around
naked in the house (Big Ronnie has a huge dick, while Big Brayden has
a tiny one!). There is also a serial killer on the loose known as The
Greasy Strangler who chokes people to death and eats their eyes.
We know almost immediately That Big Ronnie is the serial killer, as
we watch him kill the three tourists that gave him the most trouble
on that morning's tour. He throws the Scandinavian tourist (Holland
MacFallister) through the glass of a vending machine, rips the face
off the Senegalese tourist (Abdoulaye NGom) until all that is left is
the back of his head (!), and chokes out the Indian tourist (who
says, "Am I dying?"). Big Ronnie is slathered in cooking
grease and he gets it off of him by walking through a car wash
totally naked, where the blind proprietor, Big Paul (Gil Gex), thinks
that Big Ronnie is getting his car washed. He tells Big Brayden that
he is the Greasy Strangler, but he doesn't believe him, saying "I
call bullshit! You're a bullshit artist!", but it is rather
obvious that he is because he likes cooking grease in his coffee, on
hotdogs and even on his morning grapefruit! He is a grease junkie.
While there is plenty of violence, it is all done for comedy effect,
such as when he chokes out a hotdog vendor (Mel Kohl) for not putting
grease on his hot dog ("I could lose my job!") until his
eyes pop out! He grabs the eyes, fries them up and eats them.
While this film contains some scenes that will likely make you wanna
puke (Check out Big Ronnie disco dancing with his huge penis shaking
in the wind while a spotlight follows him
around), it is basically a love story at heart. Even though Big
Ronnie always tells people Big Brayden is a "crapper"
(there is nothing he hasn't taken a crap on, even though none of it
is true), he loves his son and you will be thinking about that long
after the film ends. How they deal with the romantic triangle proves
that love. There is no bond as strong as that of a father and son.
British director/co-screenwriter (with Toby Harvard) Jim Hosking also
directed the "G Is For Grandad" segment of THE
ABCs OF DEATH 2 (2014), but God only knows where he got the
inspiration to make this weird and wonderful film (Maybe in a fever
dream?). The dialogue will make you laugh out loud (really!) because
he found the perfect two people to portray the father and son. They
deliver their lines like you have never heard before and they do it
with such pinaché, you'll be laughing at their delivery as
soon as they open their mouths. You will hear such precious dialogue
as: "You claim her pussy, but you'll never claim her
heart!", the violence and gore looks like it came out of a
child's cartoon (including the sound effects) and the music
soundtrack, by Andrew Hung, sounds like early-80's video game music,
but everything that should fail hits on all cylinders here. I haven't
laughed this hard in a long, long time; my mouth was hurting when the
film ended. Highly recommended for people who like something totally
different than anything they have ever seen before. A strong stomach
is also recommended. Also starring Joe David Walters as
"Oinker", a man who walks around with a pig nose; Dana Hass
as "Big Heinie", a movie concession worker; Carl Solomon as
"Danny The Crooner" (must be seen to be believed!); and Sal
Koussa as "Ricky Pickles", the man who stole Big Brayden's
mother away because he had six-pack abs. He has his ears ripped-off
and his eyes are roasted over a campfire like marshmallows! Still no
official U.S. disc release yet (it is available on DVD and Blu-Ray in
England and Germany and Austrailia sells a double
disc Blu-Ray set that is Region 0, but some of the extras may
not play on U.S. Blu-Ray Players unless you have an all-region
player. It is available from Diabolik.),
but Amazon offers it on DVD-R or BD-R
for a fairly cheap price. (the BD-R is a "Special Director's
Edition". It is encoded in surround sound, has audio commentary
by the director and the two main stars, a red band trailer, and
interviews with the cast and crew. This is the one I received and I'm
glad I did!) You can also watch it streaming
for free if you are an Amazon Prime member. This is one movie you
will want to own, if only to show it to people to see their
reactions. The original cut of the film was 135 minutes, but it was
shed of 42 minutes for the final version. When it does find a
legitimate distributor, maybe we will get both versions. Not Rated
and for good reason! "Rootie Tootie Disco Cutie!"
GRIZZLY
2: THE PREDATOR
(1983) -
Here it is folks. The holy grail of unfinished and unreleased 80's
horror. The cast contains such well-known names as George Clooney,
Charlie Sheen (who passed on starring in THE
KARATE KID to appear in this!), Louise Fletcher, Laura Dern,
Deborah Raffin, John Rhys-Davies, Dick Anthony Williams, Charles
Cyphers, Marc Alaimo and Jack Starrett. The story is simple: The
crooked superintendant of Summit National Park (Fletcher) agrees to
have a huge rock concert in the park, much to the displeasure of the
park rangers, who feel they are spread too thin as it is. As luck
would have it, a 20 foot tall grizzly bear is wrecking vengeange in
the park, thanks to a poacher killing it's offspring for it's gall
bladder. When the grizzly kills the poacher, the other poachers (led
by Starrett) go hunting for it. The grizzly then kills three campers
(which includes a horny Clooney and Dern and a very young Sheen) and
makes it's way towards the concert. When the rangers start finding
the bodies of the grizzly's victims, they enlist the help of French
bear hunter Bouchard (Rhys-Davies) to track it down. This doesn't sit
too well with local grizzly bear conservationist Sam (Raffin), who
would rather capture it alive. Bouchard, Sam and head ranger
Hollister (Steve Inwood) go searching for the
grizzly while the poachers shoot and injure another ranger (he
eventually ends up as a grizzly meal). The poachers dig a huge pit
with wooden stakes to kill the bear, but greed and the grizzly get to
them first. The grizzly makes it to the crowded concert (it arrives
backstage, so it must have had a pass) where it sets off the
pyrotechnics, impales Bouchard on a metal spike and flips the Jeep
Hollister and Sam are in. Hollister electrocutes the grizzly on stage
where the audience thinks it's part of the show (you gotta see that
shot to believe it) and applaud wildly. The End. Since this is
just a workprint, the film is in very rough shape. The temp music
soundtrack contains unauthorized tracks by Michael Jackson ("Beat
It" and "Wanna Be Starting Something") and the bear
is never seen until the finale. The attack scenes consist of reaction
shots of the actors waving their hands around their body and
screaming and when the bear is to be shown, all you see is a blank
screen. Since there is only the shots of the mechanical bear at the
end, it stands to reason that the other bear attack footage was to be
shot later on. All the sound on this workprint is live and no
post-production looping is present. This is especially noticable when
the actors talk on police radios or telephones and the reply voices
are coming just off-camera. The question remains this: Would this
have made a good film if it were finished and released? It's hard to
say. From the footage I have seen, the film is not that bloody (the
effects shots were probably also to be added later) and the story is
pretty weak. The music acts in the concert, which consists of a bad
early 80's New Wave all-girl singing group and an effiminate male
headliner who dresses in a silver metallic jump suit, dates the film
severely. The finale is unfinished and is represented as a series of
outtakes, but you can get the gist of how it's supposed to end by
watching the outtakes. It's the ecclectic cast that's the biggest
draw. Seeing George Clooney, Charlie Sheen and Laura Dern at such
early stages in their careers is a hoot, but their screen time
amounts to less than five minutes. There's a subplot about
Hollister's daughter Christy (Deborah Foreman) working as a gofer for
the concert manager (Dick Anthony Williams) and falling in love with
the girly-man headliner (before the concert, he prances around in a
tight pair of short shorts!), but it eventually leads nowhere. Cannon
Films was supposed to distribute this film, but went into bankruptcy,
dooming this film before it was finished (There were other factors
involved, too, such as the producer, Joseph Proctor, taking a lot of
the production money for his own use. He is still serving time in a
federal prison for tax evasion.) . Filmed partly in Budapest, the
Hungarian government seized most of the production's equipment for
non-payment of bills. This film was directed/executive
produced/co-scripted by David Sheldon (The unauthorized Hungarian [at
least to director Sheldon and his co-writing partner, wife Joan
McCall] concert scenes were directed by unknown André
Szöts at a real Russian Army base [and it was advertised as a
real concert attended by over 10,000 rabid Hungarian teens!], his
only try at directing and failing miserably. He had a nervous
breakdown while filming, the concert was called off and Szöts
passed away in 2006), who co-wrote and produced the original GRIZZLY
(1976). There are claims that this film ended up on TV in the late
80's. Don't you believe it. It is just one of those urban legends
that refuses to die. Another film, CLAWS
(1977), which also deals with a rogue grizzly, was retitled GRIZZLY
2 for overseas distribution and TV showings when the
original film turned out to be an unexpected financial success. This
workprint is about as complete as you are ever going to see it and is
in no way in any condition to be shown on TV or in theaters. This is
about as rare a find that I have ever received. I would like to thank
the person that sent it to me, but I'll leave his name anonymous so
he doesn't get clobbered with requests for copies (Thanks William
Wilson!). I know of no artwork for this film. If anyone has any
preproduction ads for this or any promotion material (the artwork for
this review is a fake poster created by a fan), please contact me at
my email link and we can
work work something out. NOTE: The workprint finally escaped
into the torrent community (and it wasn't me, no matter what that
turdburglar William Wilson claims; I have never uploaded a film to a
torrent site in my life and I would love to see asswipe's Wilson's
proof to the contrary) and some people have made their own fan edits,
inserting scenes from the first film to replicate the missing bear
attacks and reworking the music soundtrack. Some of the fan edits are
pretty good, while others are god-awful. According to sources, the
footage sits in a lab in Paris, while the soundtrack sits in a New
York vault. NOTE 2: For more information on the making of this
film, check out the Email Section HERE.
UPDATE: Believe it or not, the
film's original producer, Suzanne Csikos Nagy, finished the film!
It's now called GRIZZLY
II: REVENGE and had it's world premiere theatrical showing in
Los Angeles on February 17, 2020! From what I have read, only fifteen
people showed up for the screening and half of them were crewmembers
who worked on the film, but that can be blamed on poor marketing and
the beginning of the Covid-19 pandemic. If you want to read more
about the filming of the missing scenes and a re-worked screenplay,
you can go to the official website here: www.grizzly2revenge.com.
When it is officially released on Blu-ray and DVD, look for a
revised review. Until that happens, just remember this: Sooner or
later, everything gets completed, even if it takes nearly 40 years!
(Thanks to Michael Prymula for passing this news to me.). UPDATE
#2: I ordered the Gravitas
Ventures Blu-Ray
of the film on Amazon, only to discover that it is not a pressed
Blu-Ray at all, but a BD-R! And it's recorded in the lowest-quality
bitrate! And there are no extras! You would think that the history of
this film would come with a variety of extras explaining why this
film was finished 37 years after it began filming, but we get
nothing, not even a trailer! The sleeve looks way too amateurish (The
synopsis on the back of the sleeve looks to be written by someone
with no understanding of the English language) and the film looks to
be only a step above the the workprint in picture quality. I have no
problem with DVD-Rs and BD-Rs, as long as they are made with the
highest quality bitrate, but not to advertise them as such and charge
a premium price for them is not good business. Expect a lot of
returns, Gravitas Ventures & Amazon! Shame on the both of you.
HEAD
OF THE FAMILY (1996) -
Outrageous horror-comedy that blends the right amount of grossness
and black humor. In the sleepy little town of Nob Hollow, the
shopkeeper, Lance (Blake Bailey), is having a torrid sexual affair
with Loretta (Jaqueline Lovell), the wife
of the towns only drug dealer. They conspire to get rid of her
husband, but cannot come up with a foolproof plan until Lance spots
the towns weirdest (and richest) residents, the Stackpools,
kidnap an unsuspecting motorist for use in some strange genetic
experiments in their mansions basement. Lance blackmails the
head of the family, Myron Stackpool (J.W. Perra), into
kidnapping Lorettas husband to use in the experiments. Myron
agrees and the plan goes off without a hitch. Then, Lance gets greedy
and demands money from the Stackpools in exchange for keeping his
mouth shut about the experiments. Lance and Loretta will soon come to
regret messing around with the Stackpools. If this plot sounds
generic, consider this: Myron has a giant head and a super-small
body. He is the brains of the family and controls his two brothers
(one has huge eyes and acute hearing while the other is just huge and
dumb with the strength of ten men) and sister (a looker with a great
body) using telepathy. Myron sees through their eyes and feels what
they feel. Mix that with good acting and a crackling, sarcastic
screenplay (by Benjamin Carr) and what you have is a film thats
hard to resist. The standout is Jacqueline Lovell (HIDEOUS
- 1997; KILLER
EYE
- 1998), who can really act in and out of her clothes (full-frontal
nudity and what a body!). She has quite a future in the business.
Director Robert Talbot (MYSTERY
MONSTERS
- 1997) is actually a pseudonym for Charles Band, who this time
actually keeps you entertained, tossing in frequent nudity, comedy
and grotesque situations (including a Joan of Arc play performed by
Myrons failed experiments!). Hard to believe that this came
from Charles Bands production company or even from Band
himself!. Also starring James Jones, Bob Schott, Diane Colazzo and
Gordon Jennison. A Pulp Fantasy Home Video Release. Rated
R.
HEX
(1980) - More Hong Kong craziness from the Shaw Brothers and
director Kuei Chih-Hung, who also gave us such memorable films as BAMBOO
HOUSE OF DOLLS (1973), THE
KILLER SNAKES (1974), BEWITCHED
(1981), CORPSE MANIA
(1981) and THE BOXER'S OMEN
(1983). The Chan's were once a powerful family for several
generations. That is, until recently. Their only surviving daughter,
Sau Ying (Tanny), was forced into an arranged marriage with abusive
Yeung (Wang Jung), in hopes of continuing the Chan family line with
some new blood (babies). Sau Ying has failed to get pregnant and
caught a bad lung ailment instead, forcing her to be bedridden. Sau
Ying's parents died of consumption and since her family name no
longer carries the clout it use to and divorce is not an option in
this society, the self-absorbed Yeung has turned to a life of
gambling, drinking, visiting prostitutes and abuses the only female
servant, Ah Sim, left on staff (Sau Ying and Yeung are dead flat
broke and all they have left to their name is the crumbling Chan
family mansion). When Ah Sim leaves the Chan's employ (She tells Sau
Ying, "I will not be his punch-bag!"), the cruel Yeung
refuses to take care of Sau Ying as she grows sicker. Enter Leung Yi
Wah (Chen Szu-Chia), the daughter of a servant who once worked for
Sau Ying's mother. She shows up at the Chan's front door and offers
to attend to Sau Ying's needs, even though they can't afford to pay
her (When Sau Ying warns Leung of Yeung's bad temper, she responds,
"Don't worry, I'll take good care of him."). When Leung
discovers the depths of depravity of Yeung's cruelty (She watches as
he slaps around a sickly Sau Ying for not lighting his cigarette!)
and he rapes her after she tells him "You are not a man!",
Leung has had enough when he punches and kicks her and then steals
Sau Ying's jade bracelet (it was her mother's and the only thing Sau
Ying had left that had any monetary value) and uses it for gambling
and whores. She and Sau Ying drown him in a vat of water when he
returns home drunk and then throw his body into a nearby pond to make
it look like an accidental drowning (it's not the first time he has
fallen into the pond while walking home blind stinking drunk, so this
seems like an excellent plan). But, like all perfect murders,
something goes wrong and Yeung's body disappears from the pond and
Sau Ying begins having nightmares about being chased around the
mansion by Yeung's water-bloated corpse. She begins regretting
killing him and grows sicker and more delusional, while Leung tries
to hold it together as the village drains the pond due to an odorous
stench emanating from it. When nothing is found in the drained pond
except the rotting corpse of a pig, Sau Ying and Leung are both
surprised. Or are they? When Sau Ying dies of her illness (helped, in
part, by being scared to death by an oozing corpse hovering over her
bed), it is revealed that Yeung is very much alive and was working in
concert with Leung to hasten Sau Ying's death (it turns out that Sau
Ying was hording a treasure trove of jade and priceless jewelry). As
we have learned in many Hong Kong horror films, being dead is not an
excuse not to return from the grave to get even with those who have
wronged you and Sau Ying is no exception. Her retribution against
illicit lovers Leung and Yeung will be deadly as well as hugely
entertaining. This twisted variation of the classic French
mystery LES DIABOLIQUES
(1955) proved to be so popular with Hong Kong audiences that two
official sequels were made, HEX
VS. WITCHCRAFT (1980) and HEX
AFTER HEX (1982), both also directed by Kuei Chih-Hung, as
well as many unofficial ones. While the first 35 minutes are rather
tame, taking time to set up the phony murder and deception, the
remainder of the film is a goofy delight (screenplay by the director
and Tan Chin-Hua), as the tone suddenly shifts from dead serious to
outright lunacy. Workers at the mansion piss their pants (one guy
dispenses so much pee, it's insane!); Sau Ying appears as a vampire
(one worker notices she doesn't cast a reflection in a mirror and is
then chased around the mansion by someone wearing a white horror mask
that spews large amounts of blood from its mouth!); skinned frogs and
snakes appear out of nowhere; Sau Ying chases her husband around the
house with a meat cleaver; Yeung beats a nosy local traveling
merchant to death with his cane, only to discover that he is still
alive when he tries to bury him (which leads to a funny and
suspenseful chase with a bloody denouement); Sau Ying's disembodied
head scares the shit out of a monk, who is nearly strangled by Sau
Ying's severed arm; some surprising full-frontal nudity when Leung
hires a female wizard to rid her of Sau Ying's ghost (which involves
nude body painting and ear-rippings); and lots of other gory
goodness. The finale is as ridiculous as they come (think twins), but
it just adds to the film's over-the-top charms. If you are a fan of
Hong Kong weirdness (and if you're not, you should be!), add this
film to your must-see list. Also starring Han Kuo-Tsai and Yu
Tsui-Ling. A Celestial Pictures
DVD Release. Not Rated.
HITZ
(1988) - "What
time is it? It's time for the hitz!" Weird story about
child gangs in L.A. that tries to be a biting social commentary while
mixing in some over-the-top
humor. It doesn't quite gel as the comedy elements seem out of place
next to (and within) scenes of extreme violence. A beautiful, yet
ulcer-ridden, Juvenile Court Judge Chelsea Walker (Emilia Crow) tries
to cope with her job and her relationship with wheelchair-bound
social worker boyfriend Jimmy Sollera (Francesco Quinn). She catches
presiding Judge Callow (Elliott Gould) hypnotizing and feeling-up his
court stenographer Tiffany Powers (Karen Black). When he is unable to
snap Tiffany out of her hypnotic state he is arrested and forced to
leave the bench. His replacement, Judge Jackson (the late Thalmus
Rasulala), is a child-hating judge who thinks all kids who commit
crimes should be tried as adults. This leads to a head to head
confrontation between him and Judge Walker, who thinks kids are a
product of their environment and can be changed if taken away from
that environment and placed in a loving home. Chelsea is also under
Dr. Henry Silver's (Sydney Lassick from THE
UNSEEN
[1980] and SONNY
BOY
[1989]) orders not to get too excited as her ulcer could kill her.
This is not easy, as people are shot in her courtroom, people she
cares about are viciously murdered and people she trusts (including
Gould) continually let her down. Things come to a boil when a child
witness she is protecting is hunted down by a street gang for giving
evidence in a trial. Many people die before the story reaches its
finale and there is a semi-happy ending. Strange humor abounds in
director William Sach's (THE
INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN
[1977]; GALAXINA
[1981]) screenplay. Judge Jackson, complaining of a bad Mexican meal
the night before, asks the courtroom if anyone has any Pepto Bismol.
He is offered Tums, Rolaids and Alka Seltzer but refuses them all
saying, "What kind of courtroom is this?" This happens
right after he sentences a child (who kills Gould with a stun gun
after he observes him raping an underage girl in his charge) to stand
trial as an adult. Black (in what amounts to a cameo role) returns to
the courtroom after her hypnotic trauma dancing to "Mary Had A
Little Lamb", slits her wrists and starts shooting up Judge
Walker's courtroom with an Uzi. Gun violence is very prominent in
this film. A girl, who douses herself and her newborn baby with
gasoline, is shot in the head. A child is shotgunned. People are
blown away for no reason. This is an uneasy film that would have
worked better if the comedy elements were eliminated. Unlike most
badfilms, the humor here is intentional making it a tough film to
judge. Also starring Ed Lauter as a trigger-happy cop who gets what
he deserves in the film's violent conclusion and a cameo by a very
young Cuba Gooding Jr. as a cop testifying in Judge Walker's
courtroom. New rap music was added to this 1988 film for its 1992
home video release. A Vidmark
Entertainment Release. Rated
R.
HOMEBODIES
(1973) - Here's a very interesting and unique premise: When their
apartment building is condemned, a group of elderly tenants band
together and begin killing all those they deem responsible for their
situation (The poster art tagline reads: "A murder a day keeps
the landlord away!"). At first, the silver-haired old fogies
sabotage a highrise construction site down the street, messing with a
cable that
hauls steel girders, which snaps, killing a construction worker who
was riding a girder to the top (One worker says, "Call an
ambulance!" to which another replies after seeing the body,
"Why bother?"). The octogenarians hope that accident will
delay their eviction, but when it doesn't, they get more creative.
When the callous Miss Pollack (Linda Marsh) shows up with eviction
notices for everyone and expects then to vacate the premises
immediately, the tenants, led by blind Mr. Blakely (Peter Brocco; TWILIGHT
ZONE: THE MOVIE - 1983) and feisty, prune-eating Mattie
(Paula Trueman, who is probably best known as the no-nonsense Grandma
Smith in Clint Eastwood's THE
OUTLAW JOSEY WALES - 1976), make sure she knows in no
uncertain terms that they are never leaving. Miss Pollack retaliates
by turning off everyone's electric, gas and water, so the tenants
fight back, first sabotaging the construction site's elevator, which
kills three more construction workers. It forces the site to close
down, which pisses-off the site's owner, Mr. Crawford (Douglas
Fowley; BLACK OAK CONSPIRACY
- 1977), who is also the new owner of the tenement building. When Mr.
Crawford spots the elderly Mr. Loomis (Ian Wolfe; THX
1138 - 1971) giving the tenement building a new coat of
paint, he sends Miss Pollack with the police to forcibly remove the
old farts to their new digs: a colorless, lifeless retirement home.
Miss Pollack notices that not all the tenants made the move, so she
returns to the tenement building later that day and gets a butcher
knife rammed into her stomach by Miss Emily (Frances Fuller), a
slightly senile old woman whose father originally owned the building
(Miss Emily repeatedly talks to an urn containing her father's ashes
as if he were still alive). After getting rid of Miss Pollack's body
(they push her down the street in a wheelchair and dump her body over
a bridge into the coal car of a passing train), the geriatric set
concentrate their attention towards Mr. Crawford, whom they capture
and encase in a block of wet cement that is used as one of the
foundation pilings of his highrise building. Alas, all this hard and
dirty work does nothing to solve their problems, as another bigwig
takes Mr. Crawford's place and pretty soon Mattie begins killing her
elderly friends to keep them from talking to the police. It seems
that even at a ripe old age, people can lose their moral compass and
begin killing for self-serving reas
ons.
This biting black comedy, directed/co-written by Larry Yust (TRICK
BABY - 1973), has much to recommend. First and foremost, the
cast of veteran old timers (which also includes Ruth McDevitt and
William Hansen), pull off the seemingly impossible task of making
their characters sympathetic and downright deadly at the same time.
Particularly effective is Paula Trueman as Mattie. The sequence where
she has to get rid of Miss Pollack's car is a thing of beauty. She
hasn't been behind the wheel of a car in over forty years and as she
haphazardly drives the car, nearly hitting a young boy (who sticks
his tongue out at her) and getting into several accidents, you can
see the wonder in her eyes as she views sections of Cincinnati, Ohio
(where this was filmed) that she hasn't seen in nearly half a
century. The emotions she conveys with just her eyes says more than
ten pages of dialogue ever could. Since this film was made in the
70's, don't let it's PG rating deter you. There are several grisly
scenes, including Miss Pollack's stabbing (not only do you see the
knife entering her stomach and the blade exiting out her back, you
also see a close-up of Mattie pulling the knife out) and Mr. Loomis
chopping off the toes of Mr. Crawford's foot when he finds his shoe
sticking out of the concrete foundation (That is the scene I best
remember when watching this on TV in the mid-70's). While there are a
few funny deaths (the wrecking ball crushing a man taking a shit in a
Porta-Potty being one of them), HOMEBODIES
takes a deadly serious tone in the finale when Mattie begins killing
her oldest and dearest friends, which forces Mr. Blakely, Mr. Loomis
and Miss Emily to deal with her on her own terms. The sight of three
elderly people chasing Mattie in paddleboats in a park lake sounds
comical, but I assure you it's anything but. The film concludes on a
totally satisfying note that's surprising as well as
goosebump-inducing. I won't spoil it for you here. This is an unsung
classic from the 70's that is must viewing for fans of macabre
cinema. Director Yust only directed one other feature after this, the
screwball comedy SAY YES
(1986). Also featuring Kenneth Tobey, Wesley Lau, Norman Gottschalk
and Joe De Meo. Released on VHS in the mid-80's by Embassy
Home Entertainment and still awaiting a legitimate DVD release. Rated
PG.
THE
HOUSE WITH LAUGHING WINDOWS
(1976) - Director Pupi Avati (BALSAMUS,
MAN OF SATAN - 1970; HOUSE
OF PLEASURE FOR WOMEN - 1976; ZEDER
- 1983; ARCANE SORCERER
- 1996) always took unusual subject matter and put them in even more
unusual films, many of them unclassifiable. This is one of those
films. Even though it is weird beyond belief, it is also a highly
enjoyable film, full of mystery, suspense and humor, with a dollop of
bloody gore that should satisfy horror fans and those addicted to
unusual films. But this is not a horror film, in fact, I'm not sure
what genre this film belongs in, but I know what I like
and this film hits my sweet spot. I'm not really sure how it did
that, but if a film makes me think long after it is over, it must be special.
The film opens with a tied-up naked man being stabbed over and over
with a knife while we hear a man whispering, "My
colors...my colors...They run hot in my veins...So soft, my
colors...My colors are soft, like Autumn. They are like fresh
blood...They are smooth, like syphilis. And they...they get into
people's eyes, contaminating everyone. My colors. They flow through
my veins. My Lord and they get far...far away. Yes they go far. One
must die for them. Oh my Lord. I must purge myself, get them out.
Out...Purity. These are my colors. All my colors. Son of a bitch.
Here we come my Lord. I feel death coming. He's dying. I need purity.
I need to be pure. Keep him still." Then the tied-up
man dies. You may think these are the words of a madman and you would
be correct, but by the time this film is over, those words will make
perfect sense.
We then see Stefano (Lino Capolicchio; THE
BLOODSTAINED SHADOW - 1978) taking a ferry to a very small
village on a very small island. He is met at the drop-off point (the
island is so small, it doesn't have a dock) by the diminutive Mayor
Solmi (Bob Tonelli; ZEDER
- 1983) and his driver, Coppola (co-writer Gianni Cavina; CREAM
HORN - 1981), who is the village drunk. Stefano is on the
island to restore a church fresco of the martyr Saint Sebastian,
painted by an artist named Buono Legnani. Mayor Solmi tells Stefano
that Legnani died twenty years ago and he never finished the fresco.
The Mayor hopes the restored fresco will attract tourists, the
lifeblood of this small island during tourist season. It seems
Legnani had a reputation of being a madman, something Stefano will
become all too aware of as he works restoring the fresco. Also new to
the island is the pretty Francesca (Francesca Marciano; a co-writer
of the excellent Italian thriller I'M
NOT SCARED - 2003), who was on the same ferry as Stefano.
They shared some knowing glances at each, even though they are
complete strangers. Their lives will become inextricably entwined in
the days to come.
Stefano discovers from the church's only priest, Don Orsi (Eugene
Walter; THE PYJAMA
GIRL CASE - 1977) that the church was once an SS hideout
during World War II. He shows Stefano the fresco, calling it
"rubbish", but Stefano thinks that a great artist painted
it because, "Only a great artist could portray death so
accurately." The fresco shows Saint Sebastian with his hands
tied behind his back, several daggers impaling his body, blood
dripping from the wounds, as two woman stand next to him,
laughing. Don Orsi tells Stefano not to be overly enthusiastic
about restoring the fresco and not to expect gratitude from anyone on
the island, because he could wait forever for that to happen and it
still won't. He also calls Legnani "mad", not elaborating
why as he walks out of the church, telling Stefano that he hasn't had
breakfast yet.
Stefano gets a room at the island's only hotel and the first day he
is there, he gets a phone call. The person on the other end says,
"You must go away. He doesn't love you...Don't touch that
painting!" and then hangs up. This won't be the last time
Stefano hears that warning. Or is it a threat? One of Stefano's
neighbors at the hotel is a female teacher (Vanna Busoni; THE
SPIDER LABYRINTH - 1978) who sits down next to him at the
island's only restaurant. Stefano's professor and friend, Antonio
Mazza (Giulio Pizzirani; BALSAMUS,
MAN OF SATAN - 1970), pushes the teacher away from the table
and tells Stefano that she's a whore and the school she is teaching
at is about to fire her. We also learn that Stefano recently suffered
a nervous breakdown, so Antonio got him the job of restoring the
fresco, thinking it was good for his mental health. Antonio asks
Stefano if he saw the fresco yet and he answers yes. Antonio says it
would have been better if he saw it for the first time with him,
saying not to discuss it with anyone else because he's discovered the
most incredible story about the fresco, which is why he made sure
Stefano did the restoration. Antonio doesn't elaborate, because when
an elderly restaurant patron shoots Antonio a dirty look, he gets
nervous, telling Stefano he has to leave (The teacher yells to
Stefano, "Don't worry, he'll take a couple of pills and feel
better!"). What is this "incredible story" and why
does Antonio think this restoration job was perfect for Stefano?
Stefano and the teacher become fast friends and soon become lovers.
She tells Stefano that if he ever gets lonely, he knows where she
lives, but not in the morning, that's when she is teaching the kids
(What she is teaching them she doesn't say). Antonio then tells
Stefano that if he wants to understand why he thought this job was
perfect for him, he needs to take him somewhere, saying it is a house
with "laughing" windows and he'll take him there tomorrow
(The moment someone says "tomorrow" in a conversation in a
film like this, I begin to worry because tomorrow never comes!).
Antonio asks Stefano if he knows what "they" use to call
Legnani and Stefano says no. "The Painter of the Agonies",
replies Antonio. "Imagine when they started to run out of dead
people..." explains Antonio, but before he can explain any
further, a man on a boat hands Antonio a bottle of murky green water.
Then Mayor Solmi appears and Antonio tells him that if he is hoping
to catch eels in this river, he's out of luck because there is more
war surplus materials polluting the river than there is in CRU
storage (Apparently, Antonio is on the island as an ecologist,
testing the waters for pollutants). Stefano cuts their conversation
short, telling Antonio that he has to get back to work and that he
will see him later ("Later" is also a word that sets off a
red flag in my mind). Solmi walks back to the church with Stefano,
telling him that Antonio would be a nice man if he didn't have such
strange ideas in his head.
While Stefano is restoring the fresco, church employee Lidio (Pietro
Brambilla), who acts slightly retarded (laughing all the time), tells
him about an "idiot" who liked to play phone pranks. His
name was Zanotti and he would phone young women at night and tell
them that he had made them pregnant. He was arrested and tried for
his crimes. He then warns Stefano to stop making prank phone calls,
telling him he better give up because he will never manage it.
Stefano has no idea what he is talking about (either do we) and asks
Lidio who keeps leaving fresh flowers under the fresco, but he
doesn't answer. At the restaurant, Stefano sees the Police Marshal
(Fernando Orlandi; MACABRE
- 1980) manhandling Coppola, who is drunk. Coppola yells out,
"Don't break my balls! You know if I talk...You know if I wanted
to...Do you know it or what?" An older gentleman walks up to
Coppola and says, "Stop it now, do you understand? Once and for
all, you're going to stop it. You know what I mean. Go home now!"
and Coppola exits the restaurant (after asking him for a
cigarette!). The older gentleman introduces himself to Stefano as Mr.
Poppi (Andrea Matteuzzi), the restaurant owner, and apologizes for
the ruckus, telling Stefano everyone in the village knows he is
restoring the fresco. Small villages like this know everyone's
business. He tells Stefano that ever since Solmi came to the village
and declared himself the mayor, the village began to change for the
better. He hopes that brings good fortune to the village, especially
after what that "bad" painter Legnani did to the village.
Stefano begins to notice all the grotesque painting that deal with
death that adorn the walls of the restaurant, which is not such a
good subject to go along with good food. He also notices that they
are strikingly similar to the fresco. Could Legnani have also painted
them? If they were, why are they hanging on the walls of the
village's only restaurant when no one in the village has a nice word
to say about him? Normally I would let you discover the reason
why, but I couldn't finish this review unless I tell you. Legnani was
a "snuff" painter, that is he would only paint people as
they were dying. When he couldn't find any people who were dying, he
had another method for painting dead people, something I will let you
discover for yourself. What I also won't tell you is why the
villagers hate Legnani, but his paintings adorn nearly every business
and home in the village. Sharp readers may read between the lines of
this review to come up with the answer, but Avati is a savvy
filmmaker, dropping subtle clues as the film progresses and I haven't
even gotten to the house of the title yet, so here are more clues to
make you understand what is going on:
1.Mr. Poppi tells Stefano that the paintings hanging in the restaurant are by Legnani, but they belong to his wife (Flavia Giorgi) and she would rather die than give them up. Stefano has seen Mrs. Poppi several times and she may be the one leaving fresh flowers under the fresco every day. Stefano notices one painting hanging on the restaurant wall that doesn't depict death, it depicts a nude female lying on a couch. Mr. Poppi tells Stefano that it is a self-portrait of Legnani (who couldn't get any women to pose for him, so he turned himself into one butt-ugly woman!), the last painting he did before he switched over to his "Agonies" period. It was the first painting Legnani gave to Mrs. Poppi, but he was already quite mad when he painted it because his body was infected with syphilis! Antonio then phones Stefano at the restaurant, telling him to come over immediately, he's discovered something quite "horrible."
2.Just as I thought, when Stefano walks up to Antonio's apartment building, he sees Antonio fall to his death from his third floor terrace. The Mayor and Police Marshal classify Antonio's death as a suicide, even though Stefano tells them he saw a shadow figure behind Antonio's curtains as he fell to his death. The Police Marshal tells Stefano that Antonio only had one enemy...himself, not bothering to explain what he meant by that.
3.Stefano still gets phone calls telling him to leave the fresco alone, because, "He loves me", only this time we see the caller is Mrs. Poppi.
4.Stefano is kicked out of his hotel room to accommodate a busload of tourist coming over the weekend. Lidio sets him up with a place to stay, a creepy old house hidden in a field. Stefano discovers that a sickly, elderly paraplegic woman (Pina Barione) lives upstairs and that Lidio is supposed to be taking care of her, but what Stefano doesn't know is that someone else is also living there, someone Lidio tries to keep secret from him.
5.The old lady acts glad that Stefano is living there and when he checks up on her the following morning, he discovers freshly-picked flowers in her room, which is strange since Lidio hasn't been there for a couple of days. He also discovers a huge fresco on the ceiling of his room, looking strikingly similar to the fresco he is restoring. (He also discovers that the hotel owner lied to him. There is no busload of tourists coming for the weekend, at least according to the hotel's chambermaid).
6.While he is restoring the fresco, Stefano gets the feeling someone is watching him. He also discovers that when Legnani could get no living models to pose for him, he used his arm as a palette in order to get the right "colors" for flesh tone.
7.One night, Stefano checks up on the old lady and finds that she is not in her room, so he searches the house looking for her. He discovers an ancient recording device and plays it. A man voice whispers, "Colors. My colors...", just like what we heard in the beginning of the film, only now it has much more meaning. Stefano seems to understand what the voice is saying, putting him on edge. Could this be Legnani's voice?
8.Stefano goes to the teacher for some female companionship, only to discover she doesn't live there any more, Francesca does. She is replacing the fired teacher and becomes Stefano's new "friend" (if you know what I mean). He discovers that inside Francesca's refrigerator, it is crawling with live snails (!) and he tells her not to eat them because they are probably contaminated with pollutants. Francesca eventually lives with Stefano at the creepy house.
9.Don Orsi, Lidio and Mrs. Poppi hold a makeshift funeral for Antonio in the church, surprising Stefano as he is restoring the fresco. Lidio tells Stefano that he put a live mouse in Antonio's coffin to "keep him company"! (Earlier, Lidio tells Stefano that he eats mice and that they are tasty if they are cooked correctly!).
10.Don Orsi and Stefano go fishing and he tells Stefano that the village was never the same after WWII ended. Ever since then, the village tried to forget about its past (as collaborators with the Nazis), but it has been a long hard road. When Stefano asks him about the old paraplegic woman, he tells Stefano he doesn't know too much about her since he doesn't like going to that house (not bothering to explain why, which is like some disease in this village!), but he heard the woman was a paraplegic due to a venereal disease! (Don Orsi refuses to talk about Legnani, but when Stefano mentions his name, the priest hooks an eel!).
11.When Stefano returns to the house, he finds Francesca listening to the voice recording. He also notices she carries a cigarette lighter with Legnani's initials engraved an it and she tells him it was a gift to her a long time ago. They then have dinner and sex (in that order).
12.Stefano
gets Coppola drunk, so he spills the beans on Legnani, telling
Stefano than Legnani once left the village to go live in Brazil, but
when he didn't find fame and fortune, he came back to the village
with his two sisters. Coppola tells Stefano a story when he was eight
years old (told in
flashback) and Legnani came to visit his dying mother, painting her
portrait as she lays dying. It was the first of Legnani's
"Agonies" paintings. Stefano hopes that Coppola would be
able to identify Legnani's voice on the recording, but when he goes
to play it, he discovers that Francesca "accidentally"
erased it.
Think you have all the pieces put together? There's one cracker jack
of a denouement I can't tell you, for if I did, it would ruin one
helluva surprise you never saw coming (Hint: Legnani's sisters are
alive and well. You may think you know who they are. You would be
right about one of them, but the other was a complete surprise, even
to me!). You will also discover what the house of the title has to do
with all of this. I was shocked at the revelations and you should be also.
This is simply a haunting movie about a village holding deadly
secrets. Director Pupi Avati, working with a screenplay co-written by
himself, his brother Antonio Avati (who produced many of Avati's
films), Gianni Cavina (who co-stars as Coppola) and Maurizio Costanza (ZEDER
- 1983), fills the film with stunning visuals, every scene looks like
one of Legnani's paintings. The journey of discovery as to why
Legnani's paintings are displayed throughout the village even though
no one has a single nice word to say about him, is a journey well
worth the trip. It is something you won't forget for a long, long
time. It's like a vivid fever dream and that's a recommendation,
nothing negative implied. Even though people in town refuse to
elaborate on their feelings, this film doesn't. It a trip well worth
your time. If you like your films weird, yet understandable, this is
the one you should locate. It's quite unlike anything you have ever
seen before, but you won't regret watching it. Yes, it is that good.
Shot as LA
CASA DALLE FINESTRE CHE RIDONO ("The House With The
Windows That Laugh"), this film never received a U.S. theatrical
or VHS release, making its first appearance on these shores as an uncut,
widescreen DVD in Italian with English subtitles from Image
Entertainment in 2003. This DVD is long OOP and hasn't been updated
in the U.S. since then, which is a shame. I had to order a DVD-R
from Rogue Video and this
is the first DVD-R from them I was disappointed with. It is a
fullscreen print with tiny white, hard-to-read English subtitles. The
fullscreen print compromises Avati's sumptuous visual compositions,
but beggars can't be choosers, so until some enterprising company
releases an updated DVD or Blu-Ray (are you listening Arrow Video?),
this DVD-R will have to do for now. Also featuring Ines Ciaschetti,
Paolo Gramignano (CALIGULA -
1979) Carla Astolfi and a blink-and-miss-it cameo by Zora Kerova (ANTHROPOPHAGUS
- 1980) as a restaurant waitress. UPDATE:
There is a nice widescreen version of this film on YouTube, but the
English subtitles provided leave a lot to be desired. They change
some scenes completely with their wording and it just doesn't seem as
mysterious (or good) as the fullscreen version on DVD-R. Still, it is
wonderful to look at, as the camera setups are beautiful. Not Rated
for so many reasons you should see for yourself.
HYSTERIA
(1997) - In 1997, surrealist Dutch director Rene Daalder shot two
films back-to-back. The first one was the widely distributed and
wonderfully unique sci-fi/horror comedy HABITAT,
which was released on both VHS & DVD, as well as having many TV
showings. The second film was this one, which sat on the shelf since
1997 and had no distribution of any kind either theatrically or on
home video until boutique label Cult Epics picked it up for
distribution on DVD & Blu-Ray in 2014. This was one of my most
anticipated releases for nearly 20 years and I'm glad to report it
was worth the wait. I don't know the real story of why this film was
held off for so long (from rumors that it was unfinished to rumors
that the processing lab was holding the film until their bill was
paid), but Daalder is best known for directing the cult film MASSACRE
AT CENTRAL HIGH (1976) and the indescribable POPULATION:
1 (1986) and is also known for making one film every ten
years (his next film was the bizarre documentary HERE
IS ALWAYS SOMEWHERE ELSE in 2007), so to direct and write
two films in one year is quite the feat for Daalder. I remember
reading about it in FANGORIA back in the day and couldn't wait to see
it, but I waited and waited with
no news; nothing but rumors. It is also the final live action feature
for actor Patrick McGoohan; (SCANNERS
- 1981), who retired from acting in 1998 after doing a couple of TV
appearances (including COLUMBO
[1971 - 2003]; one of a few actors to put in four appearances as a
villain and even directing four episodes of the series) and being
called out of retirement in 2002 to voice an animated film before
passing away early in 2009. This film contains some of Rene Daalder's
best dialogue and the plot is about as "out there" as a
film can get. Daalder has a really unique world-view and this film
showcases it to great effect. The film opens in typical delirious
Daalder fashion, where Dr. Dan Wyatt (Mark Bromilow) comes bursting
through a door in an insane asylum, holding his neck, while Dr.
Harvey Langston (McGoohan, with unkempt white hair) and his
wheelchair-bound assistant Myrna Malloy (Amanda Plummer; SATAN'S
LITTLE HELPER - 2004) yell at the retreating doctor
"Run, little rabbit, run!" and "Everyone is with him
and all eyes are upon him!" as if there is no escape. We watch
the manic Dr. Wyatt run outside (while he imagines a crowd of mental
patients chasing him) and takes off in his car, but a short way down
the road his left arm and right arm act like they belong to different
people. He hears, "You are not alone!" while his right hand
tries to drive the car off the road. like it is possessed by someone
else. While his left hand tries to take control of the car, he also
hears, "All for one and one for all" (it will make sense
shortly) and the right hand wins, almost causing a head-on collision
and making the car to flip over. While hanging upside down, Dr.
Wyatt's hands battle over a Zippo lighter while gasoline flows into
the car. Again, the right hand wins, as the lighter is flicked and
the car explodes. What caused a well-respected psychiatrist to go so
insane? The police determine that is was due to Dr. Wyatt being
drunk, but fellow colleague and friend Dr. Samuel Fry (Michael
Maloney; LUNA - 2014) doesn't buy
it, telling his soon-to-be ex-boss Dr Andrew Miller (David Francis)
that his dead friend despised Dr. Langston and once called him a
"mad scientist" for the methods he uses on his patients
(Dr. Miller says this about Dr. Langston: "A renegade
psychiatrist forming a mysterious cult, sequestered away in a hidden
mountain retreat. How romantic!"). The clinic that Dr. Fry is
now working at is closing and Dr. Miller wants him to become a
colleague at "The Brain Spa", a new psychiatric treatment
center financed by Bob Biccardo (Louis De Bianco; the end credits
lists his last name as "Corrado", but everyone is clearly
saying "Biccardo"), but Dr. Fry believes the new techniques
that are going to be used at The Brain Spa are just a fad and may be
dangerous for the patients (Dr. Miller replies, "It's big in
Japan!"). Mr. Biccardo asks the Oxford-trained Dr. Fry why he
left England (Biccardo tells Fry that he attended Oxford for one
semester and calls himself a "summa cum fuck-up") for the
States and Dr. Fry says, "The truth is, Mr. Biccardo, there are
a lot more mental patients in America", which infuriates Dr.
Miller since Mr. Biccardo is his cash cow. Dr. Fry has scruples and
believes that every patient deserves the same level of care no matter
what is in their bank account and tells Dr. Miller that he is going
to work at a free clinic, but Dr. Miller and Mr. Biccardo have more
nefarious plans for him. Dr. Miller tells Fry that his patient,
Veronica Bloom (Emmanuelle Vaugier; SAW II
- 2005), is being freed (Dr. Miller sarcastically says, "And
free yourself in the process!"), but Dr. Fry doesn't believe she
is ready. The clinic has already been emptied of most patients, who
are sent to live with their families and when Veronica asks Dr. Fry
why no one has come for her, he reminds her of the
"incident" which sent her here. Veronica pitches a fit and
says that she will let the voices in her head destroy her unless she
can go with Dr. Fry. Dr. Fry decides to take her to Dr. Langston's
clinic, but first he takes her to a picnic at the beach to see how
she reacts to being out on her own. It ends badly when Veronica has
some ants crawl on her and she strips topless and jumps in the water.
Dr. Fry jumps in after her, but she tries to stab Dr. Fry with a
corkscrew, forcing him to sedate her with a drug in a hypodermic
needle. They drive to Dr. Langston's clinic and are greeted by
wheelchair-bound Myrna, as an orderly takes a still-unconscious
Veronica to her room. This is exactly what Dr. Miller and Mr.
Biccardo wanted to happen, since Biccardo's son Bobby (Joseph Wynne),
a bad stutterer, is a patient at the clinic and Dr. Langston refuses
to release him to his family. Veronica was the perfect pawn (Chess
does play an important part in this film) to set their plan in motion
on getting him released. After noticing that the clinic is badly
underlit (Myrna says that Dr. Langston purposely keeps the clinic
dark because he believes "Sickness is like a mushroom. Shine too
much light on it and it retreats into the woodwork."), Dr. Fry
meets the obviously demented Dr. Langston, who shows him a collection
of his patients. It seems that he has surgically inserted electronic
transmitters behind their left ears in hope of creating one universal
consciousness, or as Langston calls it, a "group mind",
since he believes religion, normal therapy and drugs are useless.
That night, Dr. Fry decides to investigate the asylum on his own
(there are no bars on the windows and the front door has no locks),
where someone behind one of the doors says, "I know you are out
there. I can smell you!", a nymphomaniac bares her breasts to
him, Myrna is forcing butch patient Blair (Joanne Vannicola) to dance
around in a tutu and he sees Veronica being wheeled into an operating
room, where Dr. Langston inserts an electronic transmitter behind her
ear. Dr. Fry cannot stop him because a patient speaking gibberish is
performing martial arts moves in front of the operating room door.
When Blair (who speaks in rhyme or swears like a truck driver) tries
to rape Dr. Fry in his room, he is saved by Dr. Langston, who
recommends that he locks his door every night. Dr. Fry meets Veronica
the next day and she seems like a changed woman. He also meets Bobby
for the first time at Langston's insistence, since he believes Fry
was sent here to take Bobby away. Fry assures Langston that he has no
idea what he is talking about. Dr. Fry then watches one of the
strangest group therapy sessions ever committed to film, as Langston
plays the bongos and all the patients (including Veronica) dance
around the room. When Dr. Fry tries to stop the session and is forced
to punch one of the male patients in the face, he discovers that all
the other patients feel the same pain, as if he punched them all in
the face, too. Langston sedates Dr. Fry and implants a transmitter
behind his left ear. He wants Dr. Fry to experience what all his
other patients do and if he still wants to leave in 24 hours,
Langston will remove the transmitter and gladly let him leave. Myrna
holds her nightly "dance therapy" session, where Dr Fry,
for the first time, discovers that he can dance fantastically with
Veronica as his dance partner. That night, Dr. Fry and Veronica make
love and we see all the patients feel the same erotic desires (Myrna
talks throughout the whole act) and they all climax at the same time
(The whole scene is as surreal as a film can get). It seems that Dr.
Langston has truly created a "group mind", where everyone
feels the same desires and emotions in equal measure. Langston's hope
is to make the entire world a better place to live using his
technique. Things go horribly wrong when Mr. & Mrs. Biccardo and
Dr. Miller show up at the asylum and Mr. Biccardo demands that his
son be returned to him since his stuttering hasn't gotten any better
(Biccardo has also been financing this asylum!). Dr. Langston refuses
and all the patients begin to stutter, while Dr. Fry strangles Dr.
Miller and the rest of the inmates surround Mr. & Mrs. Biccardo.
Dr. Fry discovers that it is Myrna, not Dr. Langston, who is the
driving force behind this asylum (We watch as Myrna gets up out of
her wheelchair dressed in a gold leotard and does the strangest
interpretive dance your eyes can bear!), so Dr. Fry grabs Veronica
and tries to escape the asylum (There's a funny scene where Fry kicks
one of the inmates in his balls and all the other inmates, including
the female ones, grab their crotches in pain). After some kung fu
fighting between Dr. Fry and Blair (the martial artist who speak
gibberish shares his knowledge with Myrna), the couple escape in his
car and drive to the nearest police station. While Veronica sits in
the car unresponsive (Myrna tries to take over her body, but she is
too far away), Dr. Fry discovers that Sheriff Grierson (Lorne Brass)
is working in cahoots with Dr. Langston when he sees a chessboard
with the pieces in the same
position
as the one in Dr. Langston's office (they are playing the game by
phone). When Dr. Fry is unable to wake up Veronica, he has no choice
but to return to the asylum, where he makes a horrible discovery:
When he originally brought Veronica to the asylum, she was brain dead
and in a coma thanks to an allergic reaction to the sedative he
injected into her when she tried to kill him with the corkscrew. The
only way she is able to survive is to stay at the asylum and use the
"group mind" technique. It is also made clear that when he
was making love to Veronica, he was actually making love to Myrna,
who used Veronica as her puppet. Dr. Langston ends up dead when Dr.
Fry pushes Myrna and her wheelchair down the stairs and the
wheelchair strikes him in the head. A series of events happen when
the Sheriff discovers Dr. Miller's dead body in the trunk of Dr.
Fry's car, but when he enters the asylum all the patients explain to
him what happened in verse, even Mr. & Mrs. Biccardo, who were
not killed but had the transmitters implanted in their heads
(therefore letting them spend all the time they want with their son).
They blame both the deaths of Dr. Miller and Dr. Langston as the
result of an argument they had with each other. The next thing we see
is that Dr. Fry has taken over the asylum (this way he can be with
Veronica forever, even though he knows that Myrna will be pulling her
strings) as a line of taxis are at the asylum taking some of the
patients away to the free world in hopes that "group mind"
will infect the rest of the world. We then see a martial arts school,
where every student has an incision behind their left ears. Maybe Dr.
Langston wasn't so mad after all? This is a weird and wonderful
film that contains some excellent performances, especially by Patrick
McGoohan and Amanda Plummer, who deliver some of Rene Daalder's
dialogue with aplomb. (Example: "You can't run. It's like trying
to hide from your shadow."). There's also plenty of nudity and
foul language, but no blood or gore, because the terror here is of
the psychological kind and you won't miss the red stuff one bit. The
whole film looks like it was photographed a little off-kilter, as if
to make us feel the same way the patients do in the asylum. Daalder
proves he is great at dialogue and fills the film with black humor,
such as when Myrna tells Dr. Fry, "I won't stand for this!"
and Dr. Fry replies, "Oh, you won't stand for anything!".
The only negative about the film is that the print Cult Epics uses
for the DVD & Blu-Ray is sometimes scratchy (especially the
sequence where Dr. Fry enters the police station), but my guess it
was the best they could find since this is listed on the cover as the
"Director's Cut". Still, this film is an amazing find and
worth your time and effort to make part of your film library. Rene
Daalder is one of the most unsung filmmakers of the past 40 years and
this film is now one of my favorites. My highest recommendation. Also
starring Gregory Hlady, Ralph Allison, Sam Stone, Lynn Snelling,
Susan Glover, Rodrigue Proteau, René-Madeleine Le Guerrier,
Gaétan Gingras, Robert Higden and Jocelyne Zucco as Mrs.
Biccardo (who flashes her breasts at the Sheriff when he visits the
asylum). A Cult Epics Release. Not
Rated.
THE
IGUANA WITH THE TONGUE OF FIRE
(1971) - This is one of those "What Went Wrong Here?"
films. It has a cast of seasoned pros familiar with the giallo genre,
a director known for making quality films spanning many genres and a
screenplay that touches on many of the ingredients that make giallo
flicks so appealing. So why did this film turn out so badly? What
went wrong here? Read on for my explanation. But first, a brief
rundown of the plot:
After a street tour of the city of Dublin, Ireland (shown during the opening
credits), we are in the country home of some unknown woman, who is
home alone as night approaches. Only, what she doesn't know, she is
not alone, as we see someone in dark glasses and wearing black gloves
(what else?) is secretly watching her. When she tries to use the
phone, the woman discovers that the line has been cut and the
black-gloved stranger pulls one of the fuses out of the house's
fusebox, causing all the lights to go out. The woman tries to run
outside, only to be met at the front door by the stranger, who throws
acid in her face and then cuts her throat with a straight razor (yes,
it is overkill, but it is really graphic!). The next morning, a
chauffeur pulls up to the house, where the snooty Mrs. Sobiesky
(Valentina Cortese; THE EVIL EYE
- 1963) hands him some packages and tells him to put them into the
boot (trunk) of the car. Her young son Bernard opens the trunk,
discovering the the body of the dead woman, wrapped in plastic. We
then discover that the house belongs to a Mr. Sobiesky (Anton
Diffring; SEVEN DEATHS
IN THE CAT'S EYE - 1973), who is the Swedish Ambassador to
Ireland. Mrs. Sobiesky goes to call the police to report the murder,
but she is surprised to see her husband in the house, as she thought
he was away in Switzerland. The Ambassador pulls the phone out of her
hand and calls his embassy, telling them to send someone over
(telling his wife that this is "consulate business"). When
his wife asks what he is doing home, he tells that he decided to come
home early, but the look on his wife's face tells us a different
story. A doctor shows up to look at the dead body, the
Ambassador asking him if he is able to identify the woman. The doctor
tells him no, whomever killed her knew exactly what they were doing
("A specialist, I would say. Like me.", says the doctor
with a smirk on his face). Is it possible that the Ambassador knew
the dead woman?
Someone then mails police Inspector Lawrence (Arthur O'Sullivan) the
dead woman's passport, where he discovers she was from Holland. The
Inspector mentions to his assistant that before the Ambassador came
to Ireland, he was Ambassador to the Hague (a place in the
Netherlands that is the seat of the International Court of Justice).
His assistant wants to question the Ambassador, but the Inspector
says no, it will take a lot more evidence to question a man of his
stature and they will be lucky if he will let them question his
staff. His assistant wants to know how they should proceed with the
case, the Inspector saying, "You'll find out." They drive
to the Ambassador's house and they watch as the Ambassador abuses his
butler, Mandel (Renato Romano; THE
FRENCH SEX MURDERS - 1972), over a simple thing as lighting
his cigar! The Inspector asks the Ambassador if he knew the woman and
he callously says, "Which woman?" The Inspector reminds him
about the dead woman found in the trunk of his car and asks again if
he knew her. Once again his answer is callous: "After one glance
and, quite frankly, I didn't feel like taking a second one, the lady
seemed to me...utterly unrecognizable." He then mentions to the
Inspector that the murderer may be a woman and when the Inspector
asks him why he would think that, he says, "Well, why not? It's
just a thought." The Ambassador even goes as far as to suggest
someone put her body in the trunk of his car to create a scandal, as
a person in his important position is ripe to be subjected to false
allegations, his not-so-subtle warning to the Inspector to back off,
but the Inspector is not falling for it. (Yes, the Ambassador is a
piece of work. He thinks that his position puts him above the law.).
The Inspector asks if he can question some of his staff and the
Ambassador says yes, but not at his house, take them to the police
station for questioning. The Inspector does just that, bringing the
staff to the station for some intense questioning. The chauffeur, who
wears dark glasses because he has conjunctivitis and his eyes are
sensitive to light, couldn't act more guilty if he tried, the
Inspector catching him in some lies and calling him on them. He
mentions to the Inspector that the Ambassador has just left the
country, but that, too, is a lie. Did the Ambassador tell the
chauffeur to lie to make him look guilty?
We then discover that the Ambassador has a mistress (Dominique
Boschero; WHO SAW HER DIE?
- 1972), a singer in a nightclub who is blackmailing him. He shows up
in her dressing room, wearing a trenchcoat and dark glasses, telling
her that he is not going to pay her any more money. A short time
later, she is found dead in her dressing room. Also at the nightclub
are the Ambassador's daughter, Helen (Dagmar Lassander; THE
FORBIDDEN PHOTOS OF A LADY ABOVE SUSPICION - 1970) and
ex-police detective John Norton (Luigi Pistilli; YOUR
VICE IS A LOCKED ROOM... - 1972), a brutal cop with a
mysterious past. John offers Helen a ride home on his motorcycle and
she accepts, inviting him into her home (the Ambassador's house) and
they then make passionate love. It doesn't take a genius to realize
that the Inspector hired John to keep an eye on the Ambassador, his
family and staff, but the film tries (rather unconvincingly) to make
us believe he is there for another reason.
That is the problem with this whole film. It treats the audience
like mindless idiots and tries to force-feed us false evidence to
make us believe that every male and female character in this film is
the killer. The way it does it to the audience is what is so
insulting to our intelligence. Every time we see dark glasses or a
straight razor, even under the most innocent of circumstances, the
film stops in its tracks and the same sound effect is used as the
camera zooms onto the sunglasses or razor, much in the same way the
sound effects were used when Steve Austin used his bionic powers on THE
SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN! If this were a drinking game, you
would be sloshed after 15 minutes (J&B
Scotch would be preferable, as it is displayed here many, many,
times!). The way director/co-screenwriter Riccardo Freda (THE
GHOST - 1963; DOUBLE FACE
- 1969; TRAGIC CEREMONY
- 1972; MURDER OBSESSION
- 1981), here rightfully using the alias "Willy Pareto",
films the male actors in this film, zooming in on their faces and
playing the same ominous music every time to show us their guilt,
panders to the audience's lowest common denominator, which is
insulting to those of us who would rather figure out who is guilty
and who is innocent based on the way the story progresses. That is
this film's biggest sin, but the backstory on some of the male
characters is also risible, especially John Norton's. The
reason why he is an ex-cop is that he murdered his wife's killer. A
flashback shows us how he did it, torturing the handcuffed killer in
a hotel room and then shooting him in the head, his brains
splattering against a wall. But it is not just the men who are
problematic, it's the women, too. Helen doffs her clothes after
knowing John for about an hour and Mrs. Sobiesky is also a detriment
to all females, as the Ambassador yells at her, "Bitch! Bitch!
Bitch!" when she threatens to spill the beans of his affairs to
the Inspector if he doesn't treat her son Bernard with the respect he
deserves (Truth is, Bernard is not his son!). The biggest groan came
from me during the finale, when John has the killer cornered and is
about to shoot, but he has his flashback again, showing us that he
didn't shoot his wife's murderer, the killer shot himself in the
head! I mean, how can you excuse that? This whole film plays like
some unintentional comedy, with really graphic violence (the blood
flows rather freely, especially on
the close-ups of slit throats) and bouts of explicit nudity (both
male and female). The red herrings are so obvious, it's comical and
the reveal of the real killer is a kick in the nuts to all real fans
of giallo films, as the person who did it was never integral to the
plot (and his image is all over the ads for the film!) Freda tries to
get our minds off the absurdities of the story (supposedly based on
author Richard Mann's novel "A Room Without Door", but no
one has ever heard of the author or the novel!) by tossing in such
unusual sights as a bloody decapitated cat's head in John's
refrigerator (John still lives with his mother!), a bobsled accident
(!), a woman who tries to commit suicide by slicing her throat while
taking a bubble bath and a bunch of other things unrelated to the
convoluted plot (screenplay by Freda and Alessandro Continenza [LET
SLEEPING CORPSES LIE - 1974]). For a real laugh, you have to
listen to the Inspector's story about stepping on an iguana, which is
related to the film's title. It makes me want to re-evaluate Freda's
career, as I always though he was a director of good-to-great films.
I guess every director is entitled to one bad film, but nothing as
bad as this one is!
Filmed as L'IGUANA
DALLA LINGUA DI FUOCO (A literal translation of the review
title), this film never had a U.S. theatrical, legitimate VHS or disc
release and, according to the IMDb: "When the German
Co-Producer Artur Brauner saw the finished film, he decided to skip a
theatrical release in Germany, just due to the quality of the film,
which he wasn't satisfied with." It's very easy to see why
he came to that conclusion. As a matter of fact, Germany didn't see
this film for nearly 40 years, until it was officially released there
on DVD. Since this film never saw an official VHS or disc release in
the United States, the only way to see it is via the DVD-R offered by Sinister
Cinema. The widescreen print is slightly washed-out (it is too
yellow in some scenes, but that has nothing to do with it being a
giallo film!), but it improves as the film progresses. It seems to be
uncut, but it is hard to tell considering that the film has basically
been unseen in the U.S. for years. It's bloody as hell, though. I
guess that is the best thing I can say about the film, but that is in
no way an endorsement. Also starring Sergio Doria (DEATH
SMILES ON A MURDERER - 1973), Ruth Durley, Niall Toibin and
Werner Pochath (THE CAT
O' NINE TAILS - 1971) as Marc Sobiesky, the Ambassador's
brother, who is the killer (I know that I never give away the
identity of the killer in my giallo reviews, but this film doesn't
deserve my respect!). Not Rated.
IN
THE FOLDS OF THE FLESH (1970) -
As escaped convict Pascal Gorriot (Fernando Sancho) is evading the
police, he spots Lucille (Eleonora Rossi Drago) disposing of her
dead, headless husband's body on the grounds of the castle she lives
in with her son Colin and step-daughter Falesse (We don't know how
the husband was killed, but we do see Mom and the kids standing over
the dead body, the head lying a few feet away from the torso). The
police surround the castle and capture Pascal (they almost catch
Lucille in the act of buring the body), yet he keeps his mouth shut
on what he just saw (including watching Lucille sending her husband's
motorboat driverless into the ocean, making it look like he
disappeared in a boating accident). Thirteen years pass and it's
plain to see that Lucille and her now-grown kids are one fucked-up
family. Besides Falesse (Pier Angeli, here billed as "Anna Maria
Pierangeli") and Colin (Alfredo Majo) having a none-too-subtle
incestuous relationship, it's even obvious to the casual observer
that the entire family is psycho crazy. A family friend named Michele
visits the castle with his dog and they both lose their lives rather
quickly. The dog finds the grave of Daddy and begins digging it up,
so Colin strangles the dog with his bare hands. Michele tries to rob
Falesse of some jewelry, so she stabs him in the back with a dagger.
Lucille and Colin dispose of Michele's
body with a nice acid bath. A friend of Michele's named Alex comes
to the castle the next day and ends up decapitated with a sword after
he removes Falesse's blonde wig while they are making love (A
flashback reveals that her father molested her often when she was a
child). We also learn that Falesse has a twin sister named Ester
(also played by Angeli), who is in an insane asylum in Zurich,
Switzerland. Pascal, who has just been released from prison, shows up
at the castle and blackmails the entire family. After making them dig
up the grave of their murdered husband/father and only finding the
corpse of Michele's dog, an angry Pascal holds the family at
gunpoint, rapes both Lucille and Falesse and makes Colin shine his
shoes. Pascal doesn't realize who he is dealing with, though, and
he's eventually murdered in a unique way while taking a bath. Things
take a really strange turn when someone claiming to be Lucille's late
husband shows up at the castle and we finally learn the truth of what
really happened on that day thirteen years earlier. There are quite a
few more twists and turns ahead, but you really have to pay close
attention if you want to keep up. As you'll soon find out, no one is
who they pretend to be, so you may want to keep a scorecard handy to
sort it out. Seriously, I'm not kidding! From the opening
minutes, where the first image we see is a decapitated corpse, a
spoken word (as well as on-screen) quote from Freud and a disjointed
timeframe that seems to have been done on purpose, you know that
you're in for something special. The film just gets weirder as it
progresses, as it tosses in incest, rape, a pair of vultures kept in
cages as pets, a truly distasteful Nazi flashback that results into
an even more amazing deadly bubblebath and trippy visuals and editing
techniques that come straight out of a 60's LSD film. Toss in
numerous decapitations, acid baths and a general sleazy tone and what
you get is a surreal familial dynamic that would make the Addams
Family quake in their boots. Director/co-scripter Sergio Bergonzelli (PIG'S
WORLD - 1978; MERCENARY
SQUAD - 1987; BLOOD DELIRIUM
- 1988) constantly keeps the viewer off-balance, introducing new
characters up to the very end, only to dispose of them just as
quickly in gruesome ways and zig-zagging left when you think he's
going right. The finale is a bit too much, as it piles on revelation-upon-revelation
(This family has more secrets than Heinz has varieties) until your
head spins, but it's never boring and contains some truly demented
sequences as well as a surprising bit of full-frontal female nudity,
unusual for a film made in 1970. IN
THE FOLDS OF THE FLESH, an Italian/Spanish co-production, is
a one-of-a-kind experience that should be a top priority for fans of
weird cinema. Co-star Pier Angeli, who was once the lover of James
Dean and was married at one time to singer Vic Damone, committed
suicide the following year after starring in the awful horror film OCTAMAN
(1970). She left a note saying that Dean was the only man she ever
really loved (Ouch, Vic Damone!). Also starring Emilio Guiterrez
Caba, Maria Rosa Sclauzero, Victor Alcazar, Giancarlo Sisti, Gaetano
Imbro, Luciano Lorcas and Bruno Ciangola. Available in a watchable,
but far from perfect, widescreen print on DVD-R from Luminous
Film And Video Wurks and on VHS from British label Redemption
Films. Not Rated.
THE
INTRUDER (1975) - This is a
long-thought lost horror film whose only print was found in a storage
facility on the outskirts of the Mohave Desert. Just that fact alone,
makes this a wonderful discovery and the print on this Blu-Ray looks
sharp and superb. (Just a word of warning; Since actors in this film
have character names, I use their real names unless their character
names are constantly repeated.) A group of sleazy-looking people
(Including Chris Robinson; STANLEY
[1972], Robert Leslie, Phyllis Robinson [Chris' real-life wife],
George De Vries, Buddy De Sarro, Patricia Hornung, Warren Siciliano
and Yvonne De Carlo; AMERICAN
GOTHIC [1987]) take a boat skippered by Captain Jenkins
(Mickey Rooney; THE MANIPULATOR -
1971) to an island mansion where they were invited by the mysterious
Mr. Peterson, who told them he found a crashed plane on the island
containing a fortune in gold that he wishes to share with everyone.
Don't you believe it. Captain Jenkins gives an evil smile when he
sees the group walk into the mansion and radios-in that he will be
back at home base in 14 hours. The group find a note from Mr.
Peterson saying he was delayed and he will see them soon. The group
bicker among themselves, arguing whether Peterson actually has the
gold and decide to search the mansion for it. Since these people
don't trust each other, do you think if they found the gold that
they would announce it? Don't count on it. A little bit later in the
film, Captain Jenkins makes it back to civilization, hops in his car
and drives to a lighthouse. He goes inside and walks up the spiral
staircase to the top, where someone with big hands and a very
muscular arm chokes Captain Jenkins and smashes his head through a
window. Later on the police find him floating in a fish storage tank.
At the same time Captain Jenkins is killed, De Carlo is found dead in
her bed with her throat punctured with two holes.. Mr. Alexander, the
mansion's butler is found in the same condition in the mansion's
elevator. We then see that the entire mansion is bugged and someone
is listening to everything that is being said. Another male member of
the group is found hanging upside down with his throat punctured.
Still another sweaty male member is approached by the killer (He
dangles his crucifix in front of him like the killer is a
vampire!) and he is choked and thrown out his bedroom window
(all we see are the killer's eyes and sharp people will know who it
is immediately). The sweaty dead man's body disappears from the
mansion's grounds so no one can see his body. Mr. Peterson (Ted
Cassidy; POOR PRETTY EDDIE
- 1973) finally shows up, his face all bloody and he doesn't say a
word. One of the last two women in the group is attacked in her
bedroom when a huge arm smashes through her locked bedroom door (The
film's most effective scene) but he runs away when the male members
hear her screams and run to protect her (Robinson wildly fires a
pistol and then tells everyone he was never a good shot!). All the
group knows is that the killer has big feet! It doesn't take a rocket
scientist to figure this out, but one of the male members accuses the
obese Mr. Marsatti (De Sarro) of wearing oversized shoes to throw
everyone off! Mr. Peterson disappears again , so the remaining male
members of the group search the woods for him, where Marsatti watches
a member of the group drown in a lake and he smiles (Why?) The woman
who was attacked in her bedroom is drowned in the bathtub while
taking a bubble bath and the remaining two men accuse Marsatti for
her death. Marsatti proves quite proficient in the martial arts and
he and another male member get into a fight that leads from the
mansion to a shed full of bags of fertilizer. They both die when they
fall on the same pitchfork. Mr. Peterson and the last remaining woman
(Phyllis Robinson) turn out to be lovers and he confesses that he
killed no one. Meanwhile Robinson finds the sweaty man's body lying
on top of drums of gasoline and finds a fuse, if lit, would burn the
entire mansion down (This scene make no sense , except to show
someone discovers the sweaty man's body). Robinson discovers Peterson
kissing the woman and the chase is on. Peterson traps Robinson in the
kitchen, but he electrocutes Peterson with a trap he rigged and finds
that Peterson was carrying the lost gold in a vest he wore under his
shirt (No wonder he walked so slowly!). Robinson finds a boat and
takes the woman and the gold back to civilization. The woman finds a
knife and goes to stab Robinson in the back, but the boat hits a wave
and she falls out of the boat and drowns. The police inform Robinson
that Peterson had a twin brother (which is how Captain Jenkins and De
Carlo could be killed at the same time) and then we see Peterson's
twin brother with a high-powered rifle pointed at Robinson and the
boat. He fires and the film ends with a shot of Robinson's blood (it
looks like maple syrup! All the other blood in the film is bright
red.) splashing on the baat's steering dash. This proto-slasher film
never got theatrical distribution (Those expecting lots of blood will
be disappointed), but there is an excellent and funny 2008 interview
with Chris Robinson (who is still alive, but gray-haired and very
handsome; He also directed, wrote and produced [with Joe Chilbana]
this film; Cinematography is by Jack McGowan; CHILDREN
SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS - 1972; DEATHDREAM
- 1972), where we learn that Gene Corman gave Robinson $29.00 to
create the beast in the film BEAST
FROM HAUNTED CAVE (1959) and that he has a terrific memory
of his career (except for this film, which he barely remembers, but
said it led to him directing episodes of Quinn Martin TV series in
the 70's, such as CANNON
[1971-1976]). Robinson remembers nearly all his TV acting gigs and
also tells us how nighttime TV has changed over the years (In one
funny moment, his cat can be heard meowing at his feet, so he picks
him up, introduces him to everyone and tells us that his cat
considers himself a dog.) Robinson also tells us that his best acting
teacher was Tom Laughlin (BILLY JACK
-1971)! New kids on the block Garagehouse Pictures should be proud of
the work they are doing releasing "lost" films that most
people have never heard of, including Zoltan G. Spencer's THE
SATANIST (1968); The new-to-me THE
DISMEMBERED (1962); the recent, but never released NINJA
BUSTERS (1984) and three volumes of rare exploitation
trailers called TRAILER
TRAUMA (one of them runs almost 7.5 hours!). People need to
support their efforts, so we can see some more films we never heard
of before. I wish all Blu-Rays were this entertaining. A Garagehouse
Pictures Blu-Ray release. Not Rated, but there is nothing
really objectionable here. Just 70's filmmaking at its weirdest. More
than a few people will notice an ADDAMS
FAMILY (Ted Cassidy as Lurch) /THE
MUNSTERS (Yvonne De Carlo as Lily Munster) connection here,
one of the few films to have that.
KAMILLIONS
(1989) - If you are a fan of truly weird cinema, this is the film
for you. It's colorful, outlandish, funny, sexy, scary and, above
all, entertaining as hell. Overweight scientist Nathan Wingate
(co-scripter Harry S. Robbins) creates a machine in his laboratory
that allows him to view a parallel universe "occupying the same
sub-atomic space as our universe". Nathan is constantly
interrupted in his lab by his nagging wife Nancy (Laura O'Malley),
who reminds him that guests are arriving for their son Sam's (Dan
Evans) birthday party. Teenager Sam spends most of his time fawning
over the image of Jasmine (Dru-Anne Cakmis) on his computer and on a
poster he keeps hidden in his closet, but he realizes that she is
just an image of a woman he will never meet (much like the teens and
their posters of Farrah Fawcett in the 70's). Sam helps his father
finish-up in the lab before the party starts and Nathan sends him to
Miskatonic University (!) to pick up a waveform amplifier because he
needs more
power for his machine. As guests begin arriving for the party,
including Nathan's bitch-of-a-sister Angelica (Kate Alexander) and
rich cousin Count Desmon (Christopher Gasti), Nathan looks through
the portal to the parallel universe and spots several small creatures
scurrying about the landscape. After making a comment that looking
through the portal is like looking through "a window to
Heaven", Nathan is painfully sucked through the portal ass-first
(like being sucked through a hole in a spaceship in outer space) and
the small, tentacled slug-like creatures, called Kamillions (a
take-off on the word "chameleons"), escape into our
universe and infest the Wingate mansion. One of the creatures
attaches itself to Desmon and duplicates him, while another creature
becomes trapped in Sam's bedroom and transforms itself into the image
of Jasmine. When Sam finds the naked Jasmine in his bedroom, he
thinks best friend Alex (Andrew Ross Litzky) hired a look-alike
stripper as a birthday present, yet Sam treats her with respect. The
alien Jasmine tells Sam to trust her and that she is looking for
someone, while the alien doppelganger Desmon entertains the party
guests with gravity-defying tricks, eventually making Angelica
believe her teacup is full of cockroaches and making the mouth of
ex-male escort-turned-reverend Larry Newman (David Allan Shaw) fill
with blue goo. The alien Jasmine confesses to Sam and Alex that she
came through the portal with another, more-dangerous alien and she
must capture him and both return to their world before the portal is
closed. Sam works with Jasmine to try and bring alien Desmon back to
the lab, but there are obstacles in their way (the main one being
that the alien Desmon is really nothing but a bratty ten year-old
alien child and the alien Jasmine is his babysitter!) before the two
aliens can return home and everything can return back to normal.
Well, as normal as the Wingate family can ever hope to be. This
low-budget unclassifiable film, sort of a cross between David
Cronenberg's THE FLY (1986) and
Stuart Gordon's FROM BEYOND
(1986), with a healthy dose of intentional humor, is the kind of
flick that you will either love or hate, leaving very little middle
ground. Director/co-scripter Mike B. Anderson (listed here as
"Mikel B. Anderson"), who also gave us the bizarre comedy ALONE
IN THE T-SHIRT ZONE (1986) and directed many episodes of
TV's THE SIMPSONS,
offers many off-beat set pieces, including Reverend Larry's penis
turning into a snake-like alien (the film's alien effects are
decidedly low-rent, but somehow work within the film's confines),
which he chokes with both hands (I laughed hard) before it bites him
on the face. There are many more comical/horrific scenes, such as
when Angelica's fox stole comes to life; Desmon shoving a phone
receiver down the throat of Sam's abusive sister Linda (Allison
Rachel Golde); Desmon turning Angelica into a spider (it's a hoot, as
well as being creepy as hell); Desmon shoving Alex's entire body into
a tiny fishbowl (drowning him!); Desmon's attempted rape of maid Emma
(Lynn Applebaum); and many others. If you like your films as far
south of weird as humanly possible, then KAMILLIONS
should be right up your alley. All others are forewarned. Originally
two hours long, the film was edited-down to 91 minutes by the Asian
investors. Supposedly, the original edit will be released on DVD
sometime in the future. Also starring Chuck Bartelle, Jeff Robins and
Marc Hayden Bryman. Also known as THE WINGATES. Originally
available on VHS from SBM Video
(never heard of them before). Not Rated.
KILL
BY INCHES (1999) - Here's
something you don't see very often: An art house horror film. Thomas
Klamm (Emmanuel Salinger) works at his father's tailor shop, where
his father (Marcus Powell) is a cruel, domineering man, but a master
tailor. Unfortunately, Thomas is not such a great tailor because he
has a severe problem correctly taking down his customers'
measurements, an inadequacy that his father belittles every chance he
gets. It's as if the measuring tape is Thomas' worst enemy. The
sudden appearance of his sister Vera (Myriam Cyr), who is definitely
Dad's favorite sibling, throws Thomas' life into a spiral of madness.
Like her father, Vera is also a master tailor and can tell a person's
measurements by just looking at them. Also, like her father, Vera has
a cruel streak and when she learns of her brother's deficiency with a
tape measure (She says to him, "A real tailor can take
measurements by eye!"), she belittles him endlessly in front of
customers. It doesn't help that most of Thomas' customers have the
oddest shapes and deformities this side of a Charles Addams drawing
(extremely obese; exceedingly long arms, etc), but Thomas still
soldiers on in hopes of perfecting his craft. It gets to the point
that when he looks
at anyone, all he sees are numbers, but those numbers are usually
always wrong. When customers begin complaining about Thomas' work and
Vera has to fix them, Thomas slowly goes mad. The questions to the
viewer are these: Is everything Thomas sees real or is it all in his
mind? Is the annoying sewing machine repairman, Hector (Christopher
Zach), having an affair with his sister? Does he even exist at all?
When Thomas starts noticing that his customers are now going to rival
tailors, he begins killing them, starting with young boy Albert
(Nicholas Tafaro), who complained that the pirate costume Thomas made
for him was cutting off circulation to his hand. Thomas then turns
his deadly intentions towards his sister. He disposes of all her
asthma medication (At least I think it's asthma medication. It's a
thick, black viscous liquid that Vera secretly inhales in the
bathroom when she doesn't think Thomas is looking.) and when she
passes out, he wraps her in measuring tape and safety pins, making
her look like some weird mummy. He then goes to the annual Tailor's
Ball, where he wins the competition, yet all his father has to say to
him is that maybe next year his sister will show up, win the
competition and make him proud. What does a son have to do to win his
father's approval, get a sex change? Before anyone starts
jumping down my throat, let me begin by saying that this film is not
for everyone. Hell, I'll even go as far as to state that this film is
not for 95% of the movie-going audience. This is an extremely slow,
deliberately paced psychological chiller that takes it's own sweet
time to get to the payoff. This is also a well-made independent film
(partially financed by the Independent Film Channel),
directed/produced/scripted by Arthur Flam and Diane Doniol-Valcroze,
who would later write the screenplay for the horror film PENNY
DREADFUL (2006). The film is relatively (though not
completely) dialogue-free until the Tailor's Ball finale, where
Thomas must face-off with other tailors by guessing the measurements
of various models that they have never seen before. It's a surreal
experience that can't be properly explained with mere words. I guess
"surreal" is the best way to describe the whole film, as
the people appearing in it don't look or act quite like any human
beings you're ever liable to meet and the entire film has an
otherworldly, yet familiar, look to it, like David Lynch shot a film
set in the 1950's but left some modern-day items on view in the
background just to throw us off. It's very disarming and creepy,
especially with the ambient music soundtrack that drones in the
background of nearly every scene and Thomas constantly eyeing that
sharp spike that protrudes from the tailor shop's wall. Though not
for everyone's tastes, KILL BY INCHES
is a relatively oddball and effective little psycho flick for those
who care more about mood than blood and guts. According to the IMDB,
the only previous credits Mr. Flam and Ms. Doniol-Valcroze have
before this are a series of short films they directed in the 90's. I,
for one, will definitely check out anything they make in the future
because they have a signature that's hard to duplicate. Available on
VHS & DVD from Fox Lorber Films. Not Rated.
KING
OF THE ANTS (2004) - This strange
film by Stuart Gordon, rewards the patient viewer. This is not a
horror film, so those looking to rent it for the horror aspects
(including the nifty, if deceiving box art) are bound to be
disappointed, even though there are horrific images on view. This
begins like a standard thriller where down-on-his-luck housepainter
Sean Crawley (Chris McKenna) is propositioned by electrician
"Duke" Wayne (a terrific George Wendt) to come and work
for his boss Ray Mathews (Daniel Baldwin). Ray asks Sean to follow
Eric Gatley (Ron Livingston) around town and report Gatley's
movements back to him. Sean follows Gatley around on his bike (!),
taking pictures and notes. He spies on Gatley's wife, Susan (Kari
Wuhrer) and begins to fantasize about her. While sitting drunk in his
car, Ray asks Sean to kill Gatley for $13,000. Sean agrees and kills
Gatley in his home (a real disturbing scene that ends with Sean
dropping a refrigerator on the refusing-to-die Gatley, who keeps
repeating, "There's someone at the door."). As a
precaution, Sean takes some incriminating papers from Gatley's
briefcase, which point to Ray's involvement in Gatley's death. When
Ray refuses to pay Sean for the hit, Sean tells Duke that he has a
folder that will fall into the right hands if he is not paid. This is
where things get weird. Sean goes through long, goosebump-inducing
torture scenes at the hands of Ray, Duke, Carl (Lionel Mark Smith)
and Beckett (Vernon Wells) which involves golf clubs, foam rubber and
a locked shed in the desert. Sean never gives up the folder and it
begins to seem like he looks forward to the next torture session. He
has hallucinations of Susan, at first sporting a penis and then as
some deformed monster that eats her own shit. Sean escapes with the
help of his friend George (Timm Sharp) after killing Duke by taking a
giant bite out of his neck. Sean goes to the homeless shelter where
Susan works, where she nurses him back to health and eventually takes
him home, the same home where he killed her husband weeks before.
Then things get even weirder....... To give away the rest of the film
would be doing a total disservice to the viewer. This remarkable film
is a disturbing look of how a seemingly normal person can shift gears
and become something that we would rather not dwell on. Everyone
involved in front of the camera does a terrific job (even the usually
routine Wuhrer excels here), but George Wendt (who is also a
co-producer) steals the show, shedding his Norm image from the CHEERS
(1983 - 1993) TV series, portraying a mean-as-dirt goon (with what
looks like a bad case of facial sunburn), who has no patience for
disobedience. Director Stuart Gordon (DAGON
- 2001) takes an obscure novel (screenplay and novel by Charles
Higson) and turns it into a film devoid of morals and it works thanks
to his always-peculiar spin on the human condition. KING
OF THE ANTS may not be for all tastes, but I found it an
exhilarating ride on the wild side, a side that too few films are
willing to take. Filled with grotesque images and brutal violence, I
was surprised to find out that it was passed with an R-rating without
any cuts. Go out and rent or buy this film! Viewers who liked this
film are encouraged to seek out Gordon's EDMOND
(2005; with a screenplay by David Mamet) and STUCK
(2007), two non-horror films with the Gordon brutality gene fully
intact. A DEJ Productions Release. DEJ was a defunct label once owned
by now-defunct Blockbuster Video, but don't hold that against this
film. Rated R.
LADY
STREET FIGHTER (1978)
- Renee
Harmon and director James Bryan strike again. Harmon, who starred in
and produced Bryan's THE EXECUTIONER
PART 2 (1983) and HELL
RIDERS (1984) and starred in other films such as FROZEN
SCREAM (1981) and NIGHT OF TERROR
(1986), tops all these films in sheer badness and total
unbelievability. This is one brutal 73 minutes to
sit through. When Linda Allen (Harmon) hears that her sister is
killed (we see the sister tortured in the beginning by being tied to
a table topless and having her hands whacked with a pool cue) by a
league of hitmen called Assassins, Inc. (No, really!) looking for a
master file containing all the hitmen's names, she flies to L.A. to
seek revenge. Realizing that they have killed the wrong sister, they
try to kill Linda at the airport but she gets away after shooting a
driver/assassin and stealing his car. Corrupt FBI Agent Rick Pollard
(Joel D. McCrea Jr.), who has ties to Assassins, Inc., is sent out to
stop her, but finds himself falling in love with her. The rest of the
film contains copious nudity, very badly staged car chases, gun
fights and kung-fu fights, an orgy where a murder mystery party takes
place (and a murder actually happens), bad post-sync dubbing (why, oh
why, didn't they dub Harmon's thick German accent?) and an ending
which is so lame that you shake your head in disbelief (check out
that toy burning house!). It even promises a sequel at the end
credits, which thankfully never happened. While most reference
materials list this film as being made in 1985 and there is no
production date in the credits, I seriously doubt it as the fashions
and cars on display clearly put it in the mid-to-late 70's era. Liz
Renay shows up in a cameo doing a strip routine and the music
soundtrack is a direct rip-off of Ennio Morricone's score of THE
GOOD, THE
BAD AND THE UGLY (1966). Also starring some unknown named
Trace Carradine (an obvious pseudonym), who gets a sword rammed
through him by Harmon after he tries to make her give him a blowjob
("Take off my pants bitch!"). Director James Bryan is best
known for directing the bloody, goofy film DON'T
GO IN THE WOODS (1981; which LAW
& ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT actor Vincent D'Onofrio turned
into a musical horror film
in 2009!!!)), which stands head-and-shoulders above anything else he
has made and that's not saying much. Renee Harmon left acting and
took up writing books on
auditioning for movies, surviving as an actor and film producing and
directing before passing away in 2006. I've been dying to see LADY
STREET FIGHTER for years. Now I wish I just died. In 1985,
director Bryan re-edited this film and added new footage (both film
and SOV) over the course of seven years and released it as RUN
COYOTE RUN, which is a sort-of sequel to LADY (Harmon
portrays Anne, the sister of Linda Allen, who is also a psychic
police officer!), but it is very hard to find and is surreal as hell.
It makes the pastiche films of Godfrey Ho look downright professional
in comparison. A Unicorn
Video VHS Release. Also available on widescreen DVD
as part of Rare Flix
Triple Feature Vol. 3. Not Rated.
LION
MAN (1975) - Turkish genre films have
become quite popular lately. Not because they're good, mind you, but
because they are crazy, off-kilter and defy description. For a long
time, grey market boots of Turkish versions of STAR
TREK ("Turist
Omer Uzay Yolunda"),
THE
EXORCIST ("Seytan"),
SUPERMAN ("Superadam"),
STAR WARS ("Dunyayi
Kuraran Adam") and even THE WIZARD OF OZ ("Aysecik
Ve Sihirli Cuceler Ruyalar Ulkesinde") have been
floating around in fuzzy third generation dupes. LION
MAN was one of the first Turkish films to get a legitimate
VHS release in the States and it's a hoot. King Solomon and his
pregnant queen have their kingdom overthrown by his scheming
second-in-command. Solomon manages to block the door so the Queen can
escape (He refuses to move from the door, even after being run-through
several
times with swords. He eventually relents when they cut both his
hands off!). The Queen dies giving birth in the middle of the forest
and the child is raised by lions! Lion Man (Major Turkish star Cuneyt
Arkin, billed here as "Steve Arkin"), now all grown-up,
looks to win back his kingdom by killing all the enemies of his
father. This entails swinging from vines, uprooting trees with his
bare hands and beating people to death with them and roaring like a
lion (he can't speak) while using his hands like lion paws to rip the
faces off his enemies. Along the way, he falls in love with a
patriotic farm girl, even though she stabs him a couple of times.
Eventually, he will get into a final showdown with his father's
killer. Expect lots of blood and flying body parts. LION
MAN is enjoyable trash, even if it's for all the wrong
reasons. First off, the dubbing is atrocious, as all the voice talent
speak in a monotonous drone and it's never more noticable as when the
Queen goes into labor or when Lion Man's girl tries to teach him
English (he picks it up quickly). You'll be in stitches. Secondly,
the music score is wildly inappropriate. Most of the music cues seem
to be lifted from romance movies as the orchestras hit those
crescendos usually reserved for when people kiss. The only problem is
that they play it during the battle scenes. The film is also full of
hilarious dialogue. You'll hear lines like: "That's King
Solomon's bitch!" or ""Lock her up until she
dies!" and "What do you want you lousy bitch?" Let's
not forget the outrageous action scenes where Lion Man and his new
fighting force (one guy looks loke Robert Tessier) maim, mangle and
generally decimate anyone who stands in their way. You'll marvel at
people who are mortally wounded that still fight as if it were only a
scratch, well-placed trampolines and poles that Lion Man (who's now a
gymnast!) uses to jump, spin and flip over his enemies. The
"choreography" used in the fight between Lion Man and his
half brother is better viewed than described. Let's just say that if
you don't laugh, it's quite possible that you were born without a
sense of humor. Director Natuch Baitan tosses in enough graphic
bloodshed, including gut-spilling, stabbings, appendage removal,
face-rippings and acid burnings (Lion Man loses the use of his hands
to acid, so he simply has the blacksmith fashion him a pair of steel
claws "bigger and sharper than a lion's"!) to make this a
must-see for fans of gory shenanigans. The sight of Lion Man scaling
a castle wall with his new hands is a sight to behold. Recommended
viewing for those who like it weird. Followed by an inferior sequel
titled LIONMAN
II: THE WITCHQUEEN
(1979). Also starring (all names Anglicized) Barbara Lake, Charles
Garret, Alison Soames, Tim Jackson and Natasha Moritz. A Best Film
and Video Corp. VHS Release. Not Rated. For more info on the
zany Turkish film scene, read Pete Tomb's excellent tome Mondo
Macabro.
MANIA
(1974) - "When the dark shadows of the night obscure our vision
of the world, only then will the mysterious abyss
of the unconscious unleash the uncontrollable forces and no one will
know where reality ends anymore."
Extremely strange Italian genre film that's part psychological
thriller, part horror (mixed with a little science fiction) and 100%
weird, directed by Italy's master of the perverse, Renato Polselli.
This film is so rare that Italy declared it a lost film in 1978, a
mere four years after it was given a limited theatrical release in
Italy. It wasn't until after Polselli passed away in 2006 that a
print was found in his personal collection, the only known existing
print in the world
and it was transferred to DVD, which then was copied to torrents
sites and YouTube (which is how I saw it). This film deserved more
exposure, as it is horrific, delirious and, yes, manic and it is
bound to please anyone looking for something unusual and "out there".
The film begins with Lisa (Eva Spadaro) and her fiancé Lailo
(Isarco Ravaioli; Polselli's THE
TRUTH ACCORDING TO SATAN - 1972) having an argument in a car
while Lisa is driving way too fast down a twisty mountain road. Lailo
thinks that Lisa is driving herself crazy over the death of her
husband, Professor Brecht (Brad Euston; Polselli's QUANDO
L'AMORE E OSCENITA ["When Love Is Obscenity" -
1973], another lost film, only this time it was banned outright by
Italy. All that exists of the film is a 1980 re-edit done by
Polselli.). Lisa loved her dead husband very much, as flashbacks show
us how the Professor was more interested in his experiments than his
marriage, showing Lisa how he was able the freeze a bee in
mid-flight, telling her that in the not too far-off future, he will
be able to cure any disease, even cancer, when he perfects his
experiments. Lisa doesn't care about that, she just wants her husband
to spend more time with her and love her. To make herself feel better
(or how she puts it "to curse love"), she starts having an
affair with the Professor's twin brother Germano (also portrayed by
Euston). The Professor's pretty young assistant, Erina (Mirella
Rossi; Polselli's HOUSE
OF LOVE...THE POLICE INTERVENE - 1978), secretly loves the
Professor and knows about Lisa's betrayal, but doesn't tell him
because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. One day, when the
Professor comes up the stairs to give Lisa a bouquet of flowers (he
may have perfected his experiments), Erina tries to stop him because
Lisa is outside making whoopee with his brother and she doesn't want
him to see it. The Professor becomes enraged with Erina, taking the
plastic bag containing the flowers and putting it over Erina's head,
forcing her to pass out, blood from her mouth filling up the bag. He
then goes up the stairs and sees his wife with his brother, but he's
surprisingly calm. It turns out that when he put the plastic bag over
Erina's head, it caused her to go deaf and dumb (!), so he spends all
his free time with Erina, feeling guilty on what he did to her and
ignoring Lisa completely. Of course, this pisses off Lisa even more
and shortly thereafter, the Professor's laboratory catches fire and
the Professor is trapped in the lab, Lisa refusing to open the metal
gate to the laboratory for Germano (she has the only key) so he can
save his brother. Germano finds an alternate way to get into the lab
and drags his brother out of the lab, but it is too late, he's dead
and his body is still burning. To make matters worse, Germano is
seriously injured, his hands and face hideously burned and he will
eventually have his legs amputated.
Back in the present, Lisa notices a white car following them, the
same car she nearly crashed in to when it was sitting in the middle
of the road. Lailo tells her to let the car pass, which she does,
only when she looks in the car, no one is driving it! The driverless
car then stops in the middle of the road around a hairpin turn and
Lisa nearly crashes into it again, but Lailo grabs the wheel and
steers them to safety. The car begins following them again and Lailo
once again tells Lisa to let it pass, which it does, only this time
the car stops at the side of the road and Lisa and Lailo stop their
car, get out and take a look inside the driverless car. The
driverless car tries to run them over, but fails and then takes off.
Lailo says that only one man could make a car do that, but he's dead
(Lailo was the Professor's assistant at the university). When Lisa
and Lailo get home, friend Katia (Ivana Giordan) says a strange man
came to the door to deliver a package for Lisa. Lisa opens the
package and inside it is a miniature coffin, an exact replica of the
coffin the Professor was put in, which now rests in the basement of
his villa. Lisa then goes totally mental and has to be hospitalized.
Her psychiatrist, Dr. Lous (Max Dorian; KIDNAP
SYNDICATE - 1975), tells Lisa that if she wants to live a
normal life she will have to confront her demons (Lisa may have
killed her husband), saying that she has to spend time in her dead
husband's villa to fight those demons. And fight she will.
To make matters worse, Germano also lives in the villa, now legless
and in a wheelchair, his face and hands scarred by fire, yet he still
pines for Lisa. Also still living there is Erina, still deaf and mute
(She spends the rest of the film dressed only in a man's red shirt,
no panties or bra!), her only pleasure is going down the basement to
fondle the Professor's coffin!. Germano's only pleasure in life is
torturing the poor Erina, whipping her with a cat o' nine tails and
running her over in his wheelchair! What Lisa goes through is better
seen than described, but I'll try to make it quick and concise.
As soon as Lisa sets foot in the villa, the shit starts hitting the
fan and the film begins to go off the rails. In her bedroom, she sees
the visage of her dead burned husband walking towards her outside on
the patio, telling Lailo what she saw. He goes to look, finding black
shoeprints on the patio leading to Lisa's bedroom window, but he
tells Lisa they look old, as if they were there for a while. Lisa
then tells Lailo that she doesn't want him staying at the villa. If
she is going to get better, she has to do it alone, so Lailo leaves
(but we will see him again). Lisa begins to see her dead husband
everywhere, sometimes burned beyond recognition and sometimes normal,
but he always cries out, "Lisa! Lisa! LISA!" (It becomes
comical after a while, as we will hear him say that more than a few
times in this film). The question soon becomes: Is Lisa going crazy
or is there another explanation? Luckily (?) for Lisa, Katia has come
to the villa to take care of her on Dr. Lous' orders. But is Katia
actually trying to help Lisa or does she have more nefarious plans?
You'll be asking yourself that very question, as Katia seems to take
pleasure in seeing Lisa go mad. Poor Erina is being treated worse
than a dog by Germano, but why does Katia moan in pleasure when
Germano runs his burned hands over her breasts? And why is Lailo
creeping about the villa grounds at night? Don't worry, all your
questions will eventually be answered, but first you are going to
experience some very strange goings-on in and around the villa, such
as Erina and Katia having a naked catfight on Lisa's bed (that
eventually turns into a lesbian encounter!) and Lisa getting covered
in netting and then being attacked by eels (you have to see it to
believe it!).
Warning: SPOILERS!!! Do not read the following paragraph if you
do not want to know how the film ends! It seems that Germano
isn't Germano at all, but Professor Brecht! Yes, he perfected his
experiments and was able to reverse the damage that happened to him
in the fire and heal himself (I know it makes no sense, as we saw him
nothing but a dead crispy critter, but just go along with it). The
Professor tricked out the house with all manner of 3-D projectors and
holograms, which he controlled with a remote control he hid in the
wheelchair, all for the sake of driving Lisa mad (He blames Lisa for
trying to kill him). When Lailo comes to the villa the following
morning, he finds Katia dead, her bloody body outside Lisa's bedroom
(Lisa sliced Katia to pieces with a broken wine bottle) and watches
helplessly as Lisa commits suicide by jumping off the roof of the
villa (after Lisa bashes him bloody in the back of the head over and
over with a candlestick!), her dead body landing in a fork in a tree.
When Erina sees Lisa's dead body, she can immediately speak and hear
again (her first word is "love"). What happens to the
Professor, you may ask? When he sees his plan come to fruition, he
pulls out a derringer and shoots himself in the head, his last words
being, "Lisa! Lisa! LISA!" He will now spend all eternity
with Lisa (probably in Hell, not Heaven), which is all that Lisa
wanted. Oh, and Lailo and Erina become lovers! END OF SPOILERS!!!
This frenetic piece of pop art cinema could have only have come from
director Renato Polselli (credited here as "Ralph Brown"),
who gave us the
equally frenetic and schizoid DELIRIUM
(1972) and BLACK MAGIC RITES
(1973) and even his much earlier THE
VAMPIRE AND THE BALLERINA (1960). Polselli's '70s films were
always getting in trouble with Italy's censors, most of them getting
the most strict rating (18 or over) and some of them being banned
outright. Trying to describe this film was a real chore because it is
more visual than anything else. I got a definite Carroll Baker (THE
FOURTH VICTIM - 1971; THE
FLOWER WITH THE DEADLY STING - 1973) vibe from actress Eva
Spadaro as Lisa, this being her only film (which is too bad because
she is good here). She not only looks like Baker from certain angles,
she also acts like her, too. I can picture Ms. Baker in this film as
Lisa and nothing would have to be altered to fit her talents. There
is also plenty of eye candy on view, as Mirella Rossi runs around
most of the time in that red shirt and we patiently wait for that
shirt to rise (it does) or come off (that, too). When she and Ivana
Giordan get into the catfight on Lisa's bed, it answers any nagging
questions you will have as to how far Polselli will go when it comes
to showing nudity (The answer being all the way!). There are also
plenty of weird visuals on view, including the eel attack (where in
the hell did they come from???) and some of the Professor's weird
inventions, including Erina being chained up to a piece of corrugated
sheet metal and when Lisa tries to free her, the Professor flicks a
switch and a piece of glass comes down, pressing against Lisa and
Erina's faces, while the sheet metal curls up, acting like a cocoon,
engulfing Erina (it's better seen than described). There's also
"Germano" trying to run over Lailo with his wheelchair for
daring to step on his property. It raised more than a few chuckles
from me as Lailo tries to avoid the wheels on the chair from running
over his toes (it looks like some twisted dance between Germano and
Lailo). The sound of barking and howling dogs fills the soundtrack,
but not once do we ever see a dog! And wait until you see the
maggot-ridden body in the Professor's coffin! I could go on and on
about this little-seen film, but it's better if you search it out and
experience it for yourself. Polselli rarely disappoints, as this film
will show you.
The only place I was able to find this film and view it was on
YouTube (Thanks for the link, Steve!) and if you want to see it (in
Italian with English subtitles), click here: WATCH
FILM. Believe me when I say this, this film is a real
headtrip. Also featuring Giorgio Dolfin (DEATH
SMILES ON A MURDERER - 1973). The opening credits and all
the advertising materials say that the prolific Carla Mancini (FLAVIA
THE HERETIC - 1974) appears in this film, but damned if I
could spot her. Not Rated. NOTE:
What is it with fansubs today? In the past, people offered subtitles
to films that never had them before out of pure love, but today, the
fansubbers put advertisements in their subtitles, like in this film,
where they insert "Drink Coke" during the end credits and
then go on to say if you don't want to see ads in the subtitles, to
donate to their cause at a special website (and they then go on to
say that they are a "not for profit" enterprise!). Has
greed taken over the love of films? Nothing is sacred anymore.
THE
MANIPULATOR (1971) - Sure, you
could dismiss this film as a piece of arty claptrap with an
incoherent plot and an over the top performance by Mickey Rooney, but
you would be missing the point. It's worse than that. It is an
assault to the senses to any sane person who watches it. I was a
babbling idiot for at least four hours after viewing this rare piece
of pseudointellectual trash. Here's
the story in a nutshell: Demented person B.J. Lang (Rooney), who
believes he is the best film director in the world, kidnaps Carlotta
(Luana Anders) to star in his latest film. The only problem is that
Lang is making this movie in his mind and torments Carlotta every
chance he gets. Rooney dresses as Cyrano De Bergerac, puts on red
lipstick and blue eyeshadow, sings "Chattanooga Choo-Choo"
over and over, and gives orders to imaginary people as he holes up in
a cobweb-filled abandoned theater (or meat storage facility, it's
that confusing). He makes Carlotta recite lines and sees old naked
people prancing around in his mind. Director Yabo Yablonsky (his only
directorial effort, thank God, although he had written screenplays
for REVENGE FOR A RAPE [1976],
JAGUAR LIVES! [1979] and
others before passing away in 2005), films the sets with weird camera
angles, freeze frames, sped-up and slo-mo photography, non-stop talk
and imaginary scenes taken from the mind of Lang (including an orgy).
All of this is done to cover the fact that there is just not enough
movie here to fill a thirty minute time slot, even though the film
runs over 90 minutes. I never thought I would say this in my life: I
actually felt sorry for Mickey Rooney and he has made some bad
choices in his career (SILENT
NIGHT DEADLY
NIGHT 5: THE TOY MAKER [1991] anyone?).
This one (also known as B.J.
LANG PRESENTS) is probably the lowest point of his career. It
also contains a cameo by Keenan Wynn as a wino, who gets run through
with a sword by Rooney. Lucky Keenan. Stay away from this and keep
your sanity. I'm sure Yablonsky was shooting for something here, but
it either went way above my head or just sucks shit. I choose the
latter. Stay tuned for a "What the FUCK???" moment after
the credits. This once played as a theatrical double feature with THE
CULT (1971), which would later be renamed THE
MANSON MASSACRE. A Vestron
Home Video Release. Rated R.
MANOS:
THE HANDS OF FATE (1966) -
I've been sitting on this DVD of this notoriously bad regional El
Paso, Texas-lensed horror oddity for several years (I have never seen
it!), because I heard that it should only be watched in a certain
"state of mind", but since I've given up most recreational
activities (In other words, I'm old and boring), I have decided to
watch this film with a clear mind. If I were
a religious man, I would ask you all to pray for me, but since I'm
not, a pained expression will do. The film opens with a vacationing
family; husband Michael (director/producer/screenwriter Harold P.
Warren), wife Margaret (Diane Mahree), small pain-in-the-ass daughter
Debbie (Jackey Neyman) and pet poodle Pepe, getting hopelessly lost
in their car. A couple of cops pull them over for a missing taillight (Michael:
"Can't you give us a break, Officer? We are running kind of
late." Officer: "If you're running late, you should
have started earlier!"), but instead of asking the cops for
directions, Michael lets the cops get back in their car and drive
away. After a few minutes of badly-shot travelogue footage
photographed from the passenger side of Michael's car, Michael makes
a wrong turn and ends up on a dirt road he can't seem to find a way
to get off of. They finally find a house in the middle of nowhere and
stop to ask for directions. They should have kept driving instead.
They meet Torgo (John Reynolds, who committed suicide shortly after
this film was completed), a twitchy, bearded hippie-like character
who dresses like a hobo and walks around carrying a strange staff
topped-off with a sculpture of a hand. He introduces himself by
saying, "I am Torgo. I take care of the place while The Master
is away." (Succinct and to the point. I think I'm gonna like
this guy!). When Michael ask Torgo for directions out of this
hellhole, Torgo replies, "There is no way out of here!" (He
also makes a comment that The Master doesn't like children or small
dogs). Rather than questioning Torgo's response, Michael asks Torgo
if they can spend the night at the house (Torgo: "The
Master wouldn't approve...[awkward long pause]...Very well. The
Master will be very disturbed!") and then carries their luggage
into the house (John Reynolds is wearing prosthetics that are
supposed to be goat's legs and hooves, but he mistakenly wore the
prosthetics backwards, giving him one of the funniest fake walks
since Monty Python's "Silly Walks" sketch. It's a shame
that director Warren never pans the camera down to his feet so we can
see the prosthetics, because the pain it caused Reynolds led to his
addiction to pain killers, which led to his suicide!). Once inside
the house, Michael and Margaret are spooked by a painting of The
Master posing with a Doberman pincher with glowing eyes. Margaret is
under the impression that The Master is dead, but Torgo quickly
interjects, "Not dead the way you know it. He is with us
always." (Torgo repeats it several times, just so Margaret
understands, but she just blankly stares at him). When Margaret hears
howling outside, she begs Michael to "make it stop", so
Michael goes outside and grabs a flashlight and pistol out of the
car's glovebox (this is Texas after all!), but Pepe gets loose and is
torn apart by whatever is making the howling noise (Michael picks up
Pepe's lifeless body like it is radioactive and buries it in the
desert). Debbie is heartbroken over the loss of Pepe (she shows her
volatile emotions by rubbing her eyes a couple of times!), so Michael
and Margaret decide to leave, but (surprise!) the car won't start.
Torgo tells Margaret when they have some alone time together that The
Master wants her as his wife ("He has many wives."), but
Torgo puts the moves on her (She begs Torgo to stop in one of the
worst acting performances of the 60's and then suddenly agrees not to
tell Michael about it!). Things come to a boil when Michael and his
family discover The Master (Tom Neyman) laying on an altar with all
of his wives (dressed in white flowing gowns) standing
around him in a hypnotic trance. Torgo knocks-out Michael and ties
him to a post while The Master wakes up from his deep sleep and
performs a ritual in front of a statue of Manos. The Master's wives
awaken and argue over the fate of Debbie (some want to kill her and
others don't), so they all get into a giant catfight! The Master
punishes Torgo for his infidelities by burning off his hand (and
holding the hand in front of the camera while it burns down to the
bone!), while his first wife (Stephanie Nielson) has had enough of
his chicanery and pays for it with her life (after The Master slaps
her silly!). Michael and his family escape into the desert and then
suddenly decide that the best place to hide is back at the house
(after Michael shoots at a stock shot of a rattlesnake!). The finale
reveals that Michael is now the new Torgo and Margaret and Debbie are
The Master's new wives! I almost had a tear in my eye (from laughter,
that is!). The film ends with a "THE END?" title card, but
I think it's safe to say this is the last time we'll see the exploits
of The Master and his gang. Awful doesn't adequately describe
how truly horrible MANOS:
THE HANDS OF FATE (which literally translates to "Hands:
The Hands Of Fate"!) really is and if it wasn't for all
the hysterical acting, bad post-synch dubbing and simply unbelievable
dialogue, this film would be a chore to sit through.
Director/producer/screenwriter/star Harold P. Warren was a fertilizer
salesman by trade and it's obvious he had no idea how to make a film,
as scenes look incomplete, most of the time the camera never moves
(except for some zooming-in on objects that have nothing to do with
the scene, such as the camera closing-in on Michael and Margaret
holding hands when they realize Debbie has disappeared) or is out of
focus and the piano and saxophone music score (a faux kind of jazz)
is totally inappropriate. Thankfully, the film is only 69 minutes in
length (although it seems at least twice as long), so it didn't take
up too much of my time. MYSTERY
SCIENCE THEATER 3000 devoted one of it's best episodes to
this film (which I watched immediately after viewing the film
"dry") and can be found on VHS
and DVD from Rhino Home Video.
It's really the only way to watch this film. Also starring Bernie
Rosenblum and Joyce Molleur as two boozing teens in a roadster who
keep getting busted by the same two cops that stopped Michael. It
seems you can't get all liquored-up and make-out in a car without the
cops hassling you! Available on DVD from Alpha
Video or from Mill Creek as part of their TALES
OF TERROR 50 MOVIE PACK compilation. Not Rated.
THE
MANSON FAMILY (1997-2003) - Let
me set the record straight: I am a horror enthusiast and have seen
some of the most brutal and unflinching films that have ever been
released. I usually walk away after they are finished and begin
writing a review. I couldn't with this film because I couldn't finish
a thought in my head. After this film's 93 minutes were up things
kept getting scrambled in my noggin and I walked around in a daze for
several minutes before I could compose myself and head off to bed.
There, I laid awake all night in fear of closing my eyes. This hasn't
happened to me since I was a kid. I was never a big fan of director
Jim Vanbebber. I found his DEADBEAT
AT DAWN (1988) to be a pretentious, amateurish, rather
boring, if extremely bloody, exercise in revenge. Now, after watching
his latest film, I'm under one of
two opinions: 1) He's one of the best independent directors around
and deserves all the accolades he is receiving for this film, or; 2)
He's one of the most dangerous and insane men on the planet and
should be put away for the rest of his natural born life. Everyone
born before 1969 knows the story of Charles Manson. If not, I'm not
going to explain it here as you can go out and rent or buy both
versions of HELTER SKELTER (1976
& 2004) or THE
HELTER SKELTER MURDERS (1970) or countless other films that
dwell on Manson (including the seldom-seen THE
MANSON MASSACRE - 1976). This film is not his story, but the
story of his followers, a bunch of drug and sexed-out outcasts just
looking for someone to lead them on a path to glory. And what glory
they achieve. When not dropping acid, smoking pot or having group
sex, they really have nothing else to do except listen to the crazed
ramblings of Manson (played here with extreme minimalism by Marcelo
Games). Told as a series of interviews using both film (with fake
emulsion scratches) and video, flashbacks and intercut with scenes of
four kids in 1996 about to attack a TV studio that is going to run a
Manson documentary the next day, THE
MANSON FAMILY is a hard film to take your eyes off of. It is
also an assault on the senses, both aural (especially if you watch it
in 5.1 Dolby Surround) and visual. Filled with shock cuts, bloody
violence (especially the final 15 minutes), full frontal nudity and
sex (but not pornographic), this is a tragic story about how the end
of the 60's came to be known. Before the killings (Sharon Tate is
never mentioned here, but you know it's her when she is killed), the
60's were known as the free-love, pot-smoking, anti-war generation,
where everything was permissible as long as it felt good. The Manson
family changed all that. The story Vanbebber tells is a vivid and
mostly true one (the 1996 sections nonwithstanding), told in such an
in-your-face way, that you can't help but get involved. All the
actors (including Vanbebber as Bobby) are non-pros, whichs adds to
the realism and, when the violence does erupt, it is unrelenting. I
would give this film a big thumbs-up if I weren't afraid of pissing
off the victims' families of Manson's followers (whose names are
never mentioned thoughout the entire film, probably due to legal
reasons). It's still a powerful document of how people with nothing
to look forward to are easily manipulated and how it can still happen
today. Jim Vanbebber started this film in 1997 and did not have the
funds to complete it. Blue Underground
stepped up to the plate and gave him the capital to finish the film.
I endorse this film only for people that can handle violence in a
realistic way and realize that something like this can (and does)
happen all the time. This is a film about the alienation of youth and
unless we, society in general, do something about it, history will
keep repeating itself over and over. Also starring Marc Pitman,
Leslie Orr, Maureen Alisse, Amy Yates, Tom Burns and Michelle Briggs.
The soundtrack also contains actual songs sung by Manson. A film
hasn't affected me like this in a long, long time. A Dark
Sky Films DVD Release. THE
MANSON FAMILY is available in R Rated
and Not Rated cuts, with the R rated cut missing 9 minutes of
footage. Also available in a 1 disc or 2 disc set. If all you want is
the film, get the 1 disc set. The 2 disc set contains over 160
minutes of extra material, including interviews with cast and crew
and a demented actual interview with Charles Manson. Also known as CHARLIE'S
FAMILY. If you think that over 35 years of prison has
changed this maniac, think again. He's still a complete sociopath and
will never, ever get parole. And remember: "Charlie Can't
Surf!" It's Creepy-Crawl time! NOTE: Charles Manson died
in prison on November 19, 2017 at the age of 83.
MARILYN
ALIVE AND BEHIND BARS
(1982/1993) - First a little back-story about this film: In 1982,
director John Carr (FUGITIVE LOVERS
- 1975; DEATH WISH CLUB
- 1983; DEAD GIRLS DON'T TANGO
- 1992) started this film but never finished it. Then, in 1985,
thirty minutes of this footage (along with condensed versions of DEATH
WISH CLUB and the horror film CATACLYSM
- 1980) were used in the loony anthology film NIGHT
TRAIN TO TERROR (all three segments were juiced with
newly-added stop-motion special effects). Then, in 1993, Carr decided
to finish the film, rehiring star John Phillip Law (who looks
appreciably older in the new scenes, not to mention that Carr shot
the new footage on video rather than film!) and adding a subplot
involving a captive Marilyn Monroe (played by Francine York; WELCOME
HOME, SOLDIER BOYS - 1972). That film became MARILYN
ALIVE AND BEHIND BARS. Then, in 1997, screenwriter Philip Yordan
(who wrote MARILYN) ditched the Marilyn footage and compiled
his own unauthorized (and unfinished) version, titled it SCREAM
YOUR HEAD OFF and sold the VHS rights to Simitar
Entertainment, who released it on crappy, unwatchable EP-mode
tapes only as part of their "From Academy Award Winner Philip
Yordan" series (Yordan died in 2003). The
question remains: Is MARILYN worth all the trouble? I guess
the answer depends on how you feel about stitched-together films. The
film opens with newly-shot footage of halfwit Sidney (Mark Petrich)
putting a rose on Marilyn Monroe's crypt and then biking over to
Pinewood Sanitarium (where Richard Moll, in 1982 footage, greets him
but they are never in the same shot), where he serves a still-alive
Marilyn Monroe breakfast in her opulent apartment/prison cell (the
walls are decorated with photos and memorabilia of her career,
including a candid shot with Robert Mitchum). We then switch to Harry
Billings (John Phillip Law; BLOOD DELIRIUM
- 1988), as his car containing his wife of one-day flies off a bridge
in a terrible accident, killing her. Harry tries to commit suicide
and ends up a patient of Pinewood Sanitarium, where the evil Dr.
Brewer (Arthur Braham), love-lorn Dr. Fargo (Sharon Ratcliff) and
brutish orderly Otto (Moll) give Harry electroshock treatments to
keep him in line. They brainwash Harry into becoming their new
minion, but when he finds Marilyn's locked door, he steals the keys
and meets the real Marilyn Monroe (Or is she?). She tells him a story
about a lookalike Marilyn being killed years earlier and she's been
locked in this room ever since (probably with the help of the Kennedy
family), but Harry is so brainwashed, he refuses to believe Dr.
Brewer or Dr. Fargo are bad people. They hypnotize Harry into
kidnapping girls just off the bus and bringing them back to the
sanitarium, where Dr. Brewer and Fargo "condition" them and
sell them to white slavers on the black market. Harry pays more
midnight visits to Marilyn and discovers that the doctors are giving
her shots to "forget" who she is (on one visit, she tells
Harry she is twelve years old!). Things start to fall apart when
Harry kidnaps barmaid Verna (Lisa Watkins) and is followed by a
mysterious white-haired man. Harry begins questioning his role at the
sanitarium (he begins to have terrible nightmares of his crimes), so
Dr. Brewer increases his hypnotic injections, but Harry starts to get
a conscience and refuses to bring any more girls back to the
sanitarium. Can Harry find happiness with Marilyn and escape the
sanitarium? Or will the horny Dr. Fargo get Harry all to
herself? The main difference between this version and the
versions on NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR and SCREAM YOUR HEAD OFF
(besides the obvious Marilyn footage) is that MARILYN ALIVE AND
BEHIND BARS deletes the gory black market human organs subplot
that is so prominently displayed in the other two versions. Gone is
the sequence where Otto is in a big meat freezer chopping up a body
as the camera lingers on decapitated human heads and other body
parts. As a matter of fact, MARILYN is a rather chaste and
bloodless film (we do get to see Otto with the meat cleaver, but the
scene is re-edited in a way to convey he's killing an escaped female
captive rather than chopping-up an already-dead body), with no
nudity, very little violence (we get a quick shot of two severed
heads stored in jars, but most of the other violence, including
Otto's beheading and a lobotomized Dr. Brewer performing an
"operation" on Dr. Fargo, has all been edited out) and no
foul language. Considering the subject matter, that's quite a feat.
If you can forgive the obvious change in film stock and Law's change
in age and hair style from scene-to-scene, you may find some
enjoyment here, especially if you have seen the other two versions
first. An interesting piecemeal film. Also starring Rick Barnes, Jini
Flynn, Charles Parker, Micki Corbin, Peter Creadick and Carla
Marlenee. A Trinity Home Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated.
MICROWAVE
MASSACRE (1978)
- This bad taste horror comedy has only one redeeming feature:
The dry delivery of late comedian Jackie Vernon (he was the voice of
the animated Christmas perennial FROSTY
THE SNOWMAN [1969], for chrissakes!). Construction worker
Donald (Vernon) has a very serious problem: His forever-nagging wife
May (Claire Ginsberg) hasn't made him an edible meal in months (his
latest box lunch was a whole crab slapped on a roll) and he's getting
tired of eating all her mis-prepared meals. He even begins to eat dog
food because he thinks it tastes better than May's slop. Things only
get worse when May purchases a big-assed Major Electric microwave
oven (Model #X1-74A) and cooks Donald faster and even more inedible
cuisine (which she pronounces "coo-zine"). Donald
fantasizes about killing May until one day he goes too far and
actually kills her (he gets drunk at a bar, comes home, spits water
on dinner, pisses in the
fireplace and caves May's head in with a pepper grinder). He wakes up
the next morning and finds May in the microwave and, as a final
tribute, microwaves her body on high. He saws up her body into
pieces, wraps them in aluminum foil and puts them in the refrigerator
next to the other leftovers. One night, he accidentally grabs one of
her body parts (thinking it's a leftover) and eats it. He likes the
taste and soon he is bringing box lunches of May meat to his
construction site. His friends, Rosie (Loren Schein) and Philip (Al
Toupe), take bites and Donald's lunches become the hit of the
construction site. Soon, he is creating different dishes from May's
body parts and serving them to his friends. When Philip mentions that
the meat is beginning to taste old and tough, Donald gets the idea
that maybe younger women would taste better. He begins bringing
prostitutes home and giving them the old X1-74A treatment ("I'm
so hungry, I could eat a whore!"). The microwave proves to be
Donald's achille's heel, however, as the pacemaker in his chest
malfunctions every time he uses the microwave. He can't help his
addiction, though, as Rosie and Philip find him lying next to the
oven, dead of a heart attack, a full plate of arms and hands sitting
in the microwave. This really is a pretty piss-poor film only
made bearable by Jackie Vernon (who actually died of a heart attack
in 1987), in a rare filmic outing. Director Wayne Berwick (whose
father, Irv Berwick, directed MONSTER
OF PIEDRAS BLANCAS - 1959, HITCH-HIKE
TO
HELL
- 1977, MALIBU HIGH
- 1978, amongst others) throws in every cheap sex joke imaginable and
only about 10% of it is funny. Thankfully, Berwick also throws in
plenty of female nudity to keep your eyes occupied through the slow
parts. The acting is uniformly awful from the mostly non-professional
cast and even Vernon looks like he's reading off cue cards on several
occasions. The gore, such as it is, consists of severed body parts
lying on the counter, in the microwave, in the refrigerator or being
eaten by the cast, all of it used for comical (?) effect. Things
reach the nadir when "dark meat" jokes are made about
eating the flesh of a dead black hooker and when Donald's sexy next
door neighbor uses a cordless vibrator to dig holes in her garden.
Another tasteless bit is when Donald is shown cutting up a Chinese
woman (for his "Peking Chick" dish), all you see on the
counter is a kabuki wig and a big pair of round eyeglasses. How you
feel about this film totally depends on your tolerance for cheap
jokes, bad acting and severed body parts. I must admit, I did laugh
out loud a couple of times even though I knew I shouldn't. The late Robert
A. Burns was art director on this. Also starring Lou Ann Webber,
Cindy Gant, Sarah Alt, Phil De Carlo and John Harmon. A Midnight
Video Release. Not Rated. "Hello, Coast Guard? Is
the coast clear?"
MR.
NO LEGS (1979)
- This head-scratcher of a film will have you doing double takes
(and maybe even spit takes!). This is mainly an action film
concerning drug dealing, double crosses and car chases but the title
character is so mean and unrelenting that it deserves to
be in the total weirdness category. A legless, wheelchair-riding mob
enforcer (Ron Slinker) works for his drug-running boss (Lloyd
Bochner), killing rivals with shotguns hidden in the armrests of his
wheelchair or jumping out of his chair (using his arms!) and
karate-chopping or knifing snitches and goons who get in his way.
When the daughter of a cop (Ted Vollrath) turns up dead, he and
partner Richard Jaeckel (GRIZZLY
- 1976) begin to track down those responsible. When they begin to get
too close, Mr. No Legs tries several times (quite unsuccessfully) to
kill the cops. This worries his boss, who begins to see him as more
of a liability than an asset, and orders him snuffed out along with
the cops. This does not sit well with Mr. No Legs...... While
basically a cops and robbers film, the unusual Ron Slinker, who can't
act a lick (this was his only film role), makes you take notice. When
he leaps out of his chair (in slow motion), beating people up with
his stumps and even jumping into a swimming pool to take on two
hitmen, you begin to realize that this is strange stuff. Director
Ricou Browning (who played the Gillman in all three CREATURE
FROM THE BLACK LAGOON films) falters toward the end, when
Slinker is killed two-thirds of the way through the film and it turns
into a 25 minute car chase (provided by Joie Chitwood and the Danger
Angels), where crooked cop John Agar (NIGHT
FRIGHT - 1967) races around the Florida panhandle trying to
avoid capture. Still, it's not a bad little film. It manages to keep
your attention due to the strange subject matter and the frequent
bloody fights, stabbings, legless kung-fu and shotgun blasts. Also
starring Rance Howard as a sidekick of Mr. No Legs. I picked this one
up on DVD-R from 5 Minutes To Live.
It's kind of dupey, but watchable. Not Rated.
MOONCHILD
(1972) - I really have nothing against arty horror films, but it
seems to me that some actual horror should be thrown-in with all the
pretentious philosophical dialogue and fancy camerawork, no? After an
on-screen quote by Edgar Cayce ("You may not even have to come
back at all if you become perfectly developed in this life."),
we witness our young protagonist, known throughout most of the film
as the "Student" (Mark Travis), running through some dark
catacombs, trying to escape some unseen force chasing him. Our
narrator, an old man called Mr. Walker (John Carradine; FRANKENSTEIN
ISLAND - 1981), takes us back in time to show us how the
Student ended up in this predicament. It's 1920, and the Student, who
is a pastel painter and sketch artist, is hitchhiking through the
California desert, when he ends up at an old mission that's been
converted to a hotel. Mr. Walker happens by while the Student is
painting a picture of the hotel and tells him that he should pay
close attention to "the bells", especially the one with a
"No.7" stamped on it. The seemingly-mad Mr. Walker takes
him to the hotel, where the Student becomes fascinated with the
building's architecture and meets an odd assortment of characters,
including the hotel's manager (Pat Renella), who makes the Student
register by signing the guestbook with his name and birthdate (the
manager may be the Devil himself); a mysterious
gentleman called the Maitre D' (Victor Buono; THE
EVIL - 1977), who tells the Student that everything he sees
is an illusion (he may actually be God or one of his angels); the
hunchbacked, one-eyed servant called Homonculus (Frank Corsentino);
the creepy maid (Marie Drew); and a beautiful girl (Janet Landgard),
who haunts the Student's dreams. When the manager finds out that the
Student's zodiac sign is Cancer, he dubs him "Moonchild No.
7" and from that moment on, he begins having flashbacks to a
previous life, when the hotel was just a mission a couple of
centuries earlier. It doesn't take a genius to deduct that Moonchild
No. 7's life is pre-destined to end up here and play out the same
pre-determined outcome as he did in six previous lives, with the same
set of characters that now occupy the hotel. The rest of the film is
a series of flashbacks-within-flashbacks, told in an artsy-fartsy
style (weird camera angles; close-ups of red meat being sliced and
consumed; quick, jackhammer-style editing) and containing many obtuse
conversations about life and death. This continues for 78 agonizing
minutes, as Moonchild No. 7 tries to alter his fate from repeating
itself. He fails miserably. MOONCHILD
amounts to be nothing more than a USC film student's master thesis on
the cyclicity of life and reincarnation (this would make a great
companion piece with director Christopher Speeth's equally
long-winded MALATESTA'S
CARNIVAL OF BLOOD [1973]). Director/writer Alan Gadney (Not
surprisingly, his only film credit. He's now a successful book
marketer.) and Director of Photography Emmett Alston (who went on to
direct such genre fare as NEW
YEAR'S EVIL [1980], TIGERSHARK
[1986] and DEMONWARP
[1988]) have fashioned a philosophical horror film where Renella's
Devil and Buono's God characters relentlessly battle for the soul of
the Student, while Carradine (who sometimes speaks directly to the
camera) tries to keep us up to speed in his dulcet, Shakespearean
voice. This is really nothing but a cheap reincarnation horror tale
dressed-up in convoluted dime-store Psych 101 dialogue ("Seek
the life to perfection." "God preserve us. The Devil rides
in women's loins!") and the occasional quick glimpse of
early-70's gore (blood gushing out of a sword wound; a throat
slashing). The flashback sequences (conceived by editor Jack Conrad,
director/writer of the obscure actioner COUNTRY
BLUE [1973]), which take place in a Spanish Inquisition-like
atmosphere (where we find out that the Student actually has a proper
name, "Gavilan"), contains the film's only horror
sequences, but it comes so late in the film and you'll have to put up
with dialogue that's so heavy-handed and forced, it's hard to imagine
for anyone but those with the patience of a saint would give a damn.
Both Victor Buono and John Carradine (who has more spoken lines here
than ten of his latter-day horror films combined) are consummate
professionals (and, apparently, willing to help out a film student
for little or no money), but it's hard to give a rat's ass when the
film around them is such a pretentious bore. When MOONCHILD
was released to U.S. theaters in 1974, it was advertised as an EXORCIST
(1973)-type film (The tag line reads: "Racing Towards His Final
Exorcism!). Man, audiences must have been pissed when they realized
they were conned. Filmed at the still-standing (and operating)
Mission Inn in Riverside California. Also starring William Challee
and Robert Randles. I don't believe that this ever got a legitimate
home video release in the U.S., but it can be purchased on VHS and
DVD-R from Sinister Cinema.
The version I viewed was sourced from a Dutch-subtitled VHS tape. Rated
R.
A
NAME FOR EVIL (1973) - John
Blake (Robert Culp) is feeling the pressures of big city living. He
has a combination deadbolt on his apartment door to keep out
burglars. He is so fed up with what he sees on TV that he throws the
set off the apartment balcony. He also has a hard time separating
fantasy from reality. Every time he sees his shrewish, unloving wife
(Samantha Eggar), he has visions of
naked dancing girls and people dressed in skeleton costumes. Blake
leaves his family-owned architectual business and moves himself and
his wife to his late great grandfather's country estate, called The
Grove. There is a problem with this estate: Blake's great
grandfather, known as The Major, built The Grove and swore that after
his death, no one would ever inhabit it. Blake and his wife are the
first people to live in The Grove in over 50 years and almost
immediately Blake begins to experience strange phenomenon. A white
horse mysteriously appears and disappears. A voice continuously warns
him to get out of the house. He sees strange shadows cast on the
walls. He is attacked by a stream of fire. He also believes that The
Major has his sights set on Mrs. Blake. Oh, did I mention that he
takes part in a nude dancing orgy led by the town's preacher? It is
up to us, the viewer, to decide if all the stuff that is happening is
in Blake's mind or if it is real. If it is real, is The Major the
cause or is someone else trying to drive him mad? You try and figure
it out. I sure as hell couldn't. This Bernard Girard (THE
MAD ROOM - 1969; THE
MIND SNATCHERS - 1972) directed psychodrama has a surprising
amount of full frontal male and female nudity (in Culp's case,
one could say, "I Spy with my eye an average-size penis!"),
but very little else. Girard's idea of telling a story involves
layering multi-colored lighting with arty camera angles. His
screenplay is confusing and moves at a snail's pace. Samantha Eggar (THE
BROOD - 1979; CURTAINS
- 1982; RAGIN' CAJUN -
1991) has a hilarious scene describing Culp's masturbatory habits and
tries to castrate Culp with a straight razor. Culp, who starred in
his share of stinkers, including BIG
BAD MAMA 2
(1987), SILENT
NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT 3: BETTER WATCH OUT (1989) and XTRO
3: WATCH
THE SKIES (1995),
wanders around looking confused and seems embarassed during his nude
scenes. The sad fact is, if it weren't for the nude scenes, I would
have fallen asleep long before A
NAME FOR EVIL reached its' mind-numbing conclusion. Also
starring Sheila Sullivan, Mike Lane, Clarence Miller and Sue
Hathaway. A Paragon
Video Release. Rated
R.
NOTE: Beware of the version of this film shown on American Movie
Classics (AMC). It is shorn of all the nudity, contains alternate
scenes and actually makes less sense than the version on tape. Avoid
both at all costs!
NIGHT
KILLER (1989) - This
late-in-the-cycle Italian horror film is one part A
NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984)/one part giallo flick with
one of the most maddening, unbelievable finales that I can remember.
The fact that this was directed by Claudio Fragasso (as "Clyde
Anderson"), the auteur behind such films as MONSTER
DOG (1984), ZOMBIE
4: AFTER DEATH (1988), BEYOND
DARKNESS (1990) and, especially, TROLL
2 (1990), should tell you what to expect here. The fact that
Bruno Mattei (HELL
OF THE LIVING DEAD - 1980; ROBOWAR
- 1988), who worked closely with Fragasso during the entire '80s, was
called-in by
the Producers to spice up this film with more gore behind Fragasso's
back, should also tell you what to expect. The film is a fractured
mess, jumping around from scene-to-scene with no connective tissue,
like some bonkers fever dream, but that could be the reason why I
couldn't take my eyes off the screen. Is the film any good? Oh,
my God, not by a long shot, as it is full of overblown, unbelievable
(a word you will read quite often in this review) acting by the cast,
but it does have a certain "something" I just cannot put my
finger on. I will say this: After the film's frustrating,
unbelievable and maddening conclusion, I wanted to take a
flame-thrower to my TV and Blu-Ray player, even though I have
previously seen the film before. I'm seriously beginning to believe
that there is something psychologically wrong with me. Why would I
purchase a Blu-Ray of a film that is as bad as they come? Why would I
want it to be part of my film library of over 10,000 films? I'm
afraid I'll never know the answer because, frankly, I'm too fucking
scared to find out why, so let's get to the film at hand.
The film opens with a theater full of awful dancers (really, they
are terrible) being berated by their overbearing choreographer (Gaby
Ford), when a female dancer arrives late for practice and apologizes,
the choreographer telling her to get changed quickly or she's fired.
The dancer goes to the dressing room to change, not knowing that
there's a killer in a rubber horror mask, who is also wearing horror
gloves with huge nails on them, making the killer look like a
cheapjack version of Freddy Krueger, is waiting for her. The killer
slices the dancer's throat with the sharp fingernails (even though we
can plainly see that the fingernails
are made of soft rubber!), killing her. When she is late joining
the other dancers, the furious choreographer goes looking for her and
gets the same treatment from the killer, only she tries to escape
from the killer and is pushed off the balcony, her dead body landing
in front of the dancers (And not one of them screams! Was she that
much of a bitch?).
We are then at the Virginia home of of Melanie Beck (Tara Buckman; XTRO
2: THE SECOND ENCOUNTER - 1991), who is letting her young
daughter, Clarissa (Tova Sardot), spend a weekend with her best
friend Sherman Floyd (Richard Foster) and his fiancee while she works
on her troubled marriage with her separated husband Axel (Peter
Hooten; BROTHERS IN
BLOOD - 1987) as Christmas approaches. When Melanie is home
alone, the masked, clawed killer appears and tries to kill Melanie;
then the screen goes black. We then see Melanie in the hospital, but
she has a severe case of amnesia and can't remember what happened
with the killer; all she does remember is that Sherman saved her and
received a huge wound on the left side of his face by the killer's
sharp claws. Police Detective Clark (Mel Davis) wants to question
Melanie, but her physician, Dr. Willow (Lee Lively), tells him no, it
may make her lose her memory completely, saying to give her some time
and her memory may come back. After being hospitalized and feeling
somewhat suicidal from her ordeal, Dr. Willow allows Melanie to go
home to recuperate, thinking it will be good for her memory (Really?
In the same house where she was nearly killed? Somebody take a look
at Dr. Willow's medical license to make sure it hasn't lapsed!).
Melanie repeatedly gets visits from Axel (she has no memory of Axel
being her husband), who treats her brutally, sticking
a gun in her mouth, slapping her in the face and telling her to
get over herself, causing Melanie to sink further into depression,
even trying to kill herself on several occasions, but failing. On one
such occasion, Melanie takes a handful of sleeping pills, takes off
most of her clothes and tries to walk into the ocean, but Axel
intervenes, slapping her some more and screaming, "You really
trying to kill yourself?" He grabs her, walks into the water and
holds Melanie's head under the water as if to drown her (he's
actually making her drink the salty sea water to make her throw up
the pills she took!), but Melanie escapes and runs away. Yes, Axel
couldn't look more like the killer, but we know in films like this it
couldn't be that easy...or could it? Melanie tells Detective Clark
about Axel's murderous behavior and he becomes the number one
suspect, especially when the masked killer shows up in Melanie's
house and fails to kill her again. Sherman, meanwhile, argues with
his fiancee, telling her everyone looks at him differently with the
huge scar on his face, even her. Sherman tells her he is going after
the killer on his own; he's going to kill Axel.
To make a long story short, Axel continues to avoid the police while
Sherman tries to hunt him down, but he's no bounty hunter. In a
surprise everyone saw coming, the killer pays Melanie another visit
at her home and her memory suddenly comes back. She rips off the
mask, revealing the killer to be Sherman. A flashback shows us what
happened on that fateful night when Melanie lost her memory. Sherman
has her tied to the bed, saying he was in love with her and if he
can't have her, nobody will, threatening to kill her with a
switchblade. He then comes up with a "brilliant" idea: He
will untie Melanie, hand her the knife and watch as she kills herself
("What a great idea!!", no one with half a brain would
say.). Of course things don't go as planned, for as soon as he hands
Melanie the switchblade, she slashes him in the face with it and runs
away, losing her memory in the process. Back in the present, Sherman
once again professes his love for Melanie, but since he can't
convince her to love him, she has to die. Melanie comes on to
Sherman, kissing him passionately and slowly pulling the switchblade
out of his pants pocket as she fondles him. She then stabs him in the
groin! Not dead (but in extreme penis pain), Sherman tries to kill
Melanie after pulling the knife out of his crotch, when Axel comes
crashing through a window and shoots Sherman several times with a
pistol, killing him. We then learn that Axel was acting like an
abusive asshole on Dr. Willow's orders, believing his violent
behavior would snap Melanie out of her amnesia! Even Detective Clark
was in on it! We then see Axel and Melanie happy in bed on Christmas
Eve, teaching Clarissa the old "This is the church, this is the
steeple..." hand gesture and laughing. Clarissa gets out of bed
and walks downstairs to bring one present under the Christmas tree to
her bedroom. While Mom & Dad make lovey-dovey in their bed,
Clarissa takes the present into her room and begins to unwrap it. In
a sequence that can best be described as an editor on Adderal, the
scene is intercut with Clarissa opening the present with Axel and
Melanie making love. It is then revealed that Clarissa is wearing the
killer's mask, talking in the same disguised voice Sherman used, then
the film ends! WTF?!?
The reveal that Axel was working in tandem with Dr. Willow and
Detective Clark is just too unbelievable for words. What doctor
in their right mind would allow a husband to be verbally and
physically abusive to their wife? It's like director Claudio
Fragasso, who co-wrote the screnplay with Rosella Drudi (EMANUELLE
IN PRISON - 1983, SHOCKING
DARK - 1989, THE CRAWLERS
- 1990), ran out of ideas on how to properly conclude the film, so
they threw ideas against the wall to see which ones stick and this
was the best they could come up with. But it's the daughter wearing
the killer's mask in the closing shot that is even more unbelievable.
Who would give this young girl such a present is just one small
question you will have when the end credits begin to roll. Your head
will spin at all the unanswered questions this film offers. Quite
frankly, it's these unanswered questions that made me watch this film
not once, but twice (!) to make sure I didn't miss anything and, sure
enough, I didn't (In all fairness, I should state that it was Sherman
who gave Clarissa the present in the beginning of the film, something
I missed the first two times I watched it!). Fragasso has gone on
record saying that he wanted to make a purely psychological thriller
with no blood or gore, but without the gory inserts shot by Bruno
Mattei, this would be a chore to sit through. It's still quite a
chore due to the over-emoting by Peter Hooten (2020
TEXAS GLADIATORS - 1982) and, especially, by Richard Foster
(who hasn't appeared in anything else of note) when it is revealed he
is the killer. His eyes nearly bulge out of their sockets and he
never loses his stupid smile, even when he is stabbed in the dick!
Couple that with the film's two denouements and you have a film that
people with small IQs are bound to love, which is why I am worried
about my psychological health! One scene that did make me laugh is
when Melanie first meets Axel in the ladies room, after losing her
memory. She pulls a pistol out of her pocketbook and makes Axel strip
down to his bikini underwear and flush his clothes down the toilet
(this building must have high pressure toilets!). Axel then comes
running out of the building, when a guard stops him and asks him why
he is wearing no clothes. Axel replies, "I was just molested in
the little boys room!" It should also be noted that Werner
Pochath, one of my favorite genre actors, was this film's Casting
Director. Pochath can be seen in such films as THE
CAT O' NINE TAILS (1971), MAGNUM
COP (1978), THE
WILD TEAM (1985) and LASER
MISSION (1989), among many others. This film could have used
some of Pochath's patented quirkiness, but, alas, he stays behind the
scenes here.
Filmed as NON APRITE
QUELLA PORTA 3 ("Do Not Open That Door 3") which
loosely translates in Italy as THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 3
(the same year LEATHERFACE:
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 3 was released!), this film had
no kind of legitimate release in the United States until Severin
Films released it on DVD
& Blu-Ray in
2019, and, of course, I just had to buy it, but I don't know why
since I first saw it on Roku-only streaming channel B-Movie TV and
hated it. Is it any wonder why I am worried about my mental health?
Fragasso also makes a cameo appearance in this film as a reporter
wearing a baseball cap. Not Rated.
NIGHT
OF THE DRIBBLER (1990/1995) -
With so many good genre films screaming-out to get their DVD debut, I
have to question why Code Red DVD would spend time, money and energy
to release this abomination (filmed in 1990, but not given a
copyright until 1995) on a shiny silver disc; a film so devoid of any
entertainment value, it was deemed unreleasable when screened (to
show you just how bad this film really is, it was made around the
same time by the same producer [Roger Racine] of VOODOO
DOLLS and MADONNA: A CASE
OF BLOOD AMBITION [both 1990], yet it was the only one in the
trio not to obtain a distributor). Maybe Code Red obtained the
distribution rights for little or no money, but in this tough
economy, I fail to see Code Red's thought process, never mind their
business acumen, in hoisting such an unknown and terrible film on an
audience starving for quality product (or at least something with
entertainment value). To me, it's business suicide, but what do I
know, I bought the DVD so I could review it! I certainly doubt that
this will be a best seller, but I'm sure some genre fans will pick
this up just for the novelty value, but it's a novelty that wears off
after watching the first five minutes of this filmic turd.
Actor/impressionist Fred Travalena (who passed away in late June of
2009, a little more than two months before this was finally released
on DVD) plays three roles in this kitchen sink comedy, which aims for AIRPLANE
(1980)-like laughs, but has to settle for sub-PANDEMONIUM
(1982) and HYSTERICAL (1983)
guffaws instead. It's
about a killer in a tracksuit and a basketball mask who goes around
murdering members of the world's worst college basketball team, the
Watergate Plumbers (my head hurts already). After a teammate is found
beheaded (the head being led away on a stretcher while the team takes
a group photo), Coach Cherry (Travalena) wonders out loud if this is
going to affect the attendance of tonight's game (this is when I
popped my first Tylenol). At that game, play-by-play announcer Dick
Airhead (Travalena again; and I swallowed my second Tylenol) does
several impressions (including Clint Eastwood and Sammy Davis Jr.)
while introducing the members of the Plumbers to a very sparse crowd
(not because of the beheading, but because of the film's miniscule
budget). Equipment manager Stan Bates (Gregory Calpakis) complains to
the coach that he is never put in the game as a player (Hint! Clue!),
while Dick Airhead does more impressions (including Bela Lugosi and
Herve Villechaize) as the game progresses (at this time, I switched
from Tylenol to Advil). Stan's girlfriend Becky (Flavia Carrozzi)
makes a remark that Stan's a better player than anyone on the team,
but Stan replies that it will probably take more teammates being
killed before he gets any play time (at this point, I switched to
smoking a joint, not only to forget about my headache, but because
everything seems better with a little pot). After the Plumbers lose
once again to their rivals, the Greenfield Gators (the Plumbers
haven't won a game in six years), Dean Cook (Michael Sullivan), the
head of Greenfield, makes a bet with Watergate head Dean Marks
(Cynthia Mantel) that the loser of their next basketball game will
have to get a tattoo on a body part of the winner's choice and will
also have to ride naked on the rival's parade float. When the
Plumbers' star player, High Top (George Thomas, who plays his role
like a young Elvis Presley and provides behind-the-scenes info on the
DVD's commentary track, along with Travalena), loses both of his
hands while performing a slam-dunk during practice (thanks to a ring
of razor wire put around the hoop by the cackling, basketball-masked
psycho), Coach Cherry still doesn't put Stan in the game, much to the
disappointment of Stan, Becky and Stan's J.R. "Bob"
Dobbs-like father (Bill Saddler), but the coach comes up with a new
play for his players called the "King Lear" (Player:
"Coach, why is it called the King Lear?" Coach:
"Because it's a great play!"). Dean Marks pressures Coach
Cherry not to lose the game or else he will lose his job, but when
player Joseph Krunch (Michael Burns) is blown-up with a basketball
bomb (complete with lit fuse!), wisecracking cop Danny Gibson
(Travalena yet again) and black partner Mel Glover (Sherwood Kendall)
are put on the case (at this time, I switched from smoking pot to
popping amyl nitrate, if only for the inane Gibson/Glover LETHAL
WEAPON [1987] reference). To make an extremely long and
unfunny story short, more players end up dead, Stan becomes the main
suspect and then become a player (winning the game), the killer is
unmasked and I became a hopeless heroin junkie. Thanks, Code
Red! This embarrassingly cheap film, directed by Jack Bravman (JANIE
- 1970; ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE
- 1986) and written by Maurice Thevenet (not surprisingly, his only
film credit), is so unfunny, it may be one of the worst comedies ever
made (consider it the anti-comedy comedy). About 80% of the film is a
showcase for Fred Travalena's impressions (he even does Rod Steiger
and Michael Jackson!), but nearly everything he does here falls
flatter than a ten year-old girl's chest. This film's idea of funny
is having everyone ask Coach Cherry, "Can I have a word with
you?" and him replying with single word answers like
"Poodle", "Capitalism" and
"Aphrodisiac". There are also cheap "Master Bates"
jokes, idiotic lines like "His loss may be your game!" and grade-school
gore, complete with superimposed words on-screen like
"P-O-WWW!!" (ala the old BATMAN
60's TV series) whenever the masked killer murders someone (it's done
to cover-up the transition of the gore effects, since the film's
paltry budget can't afford to show someone getting their hands cut
off, being blown-up or, in one case, getting shot!). NIGHT OF THE DRIBBLER
is about as entertaining as sliding down a razor blade while being
covered in lemon juice. Also starring Glenn Scott, Brigitte-Anne
Pelletier, Alex Thoby and Ikkee Battle. A Code
Red DVD Release. Not Rated.
NIGHTWISH
(1988) - Confusing horror nonsense with a few atmospheric and
extremely gory sequences. The film opens with Donna (Elizabeth
Kaitan; SILENT MADNESS
- 1984) leaving a prom at a mansion, following a trail of bloody
clothing and dismembered body parts (including a still-twitching
hand) and then spotting Jack (Clayton Rohner; DESTROYER
- 1988) gnawing on a human body. He chases Donna down an alley that
never seems to end and strangles her while a group of people watch
from a window. It is then revealed that Donna is merely dreaming all
this from an isolation tank; she is part of a dream interpretation
experiment run by Doc (Jack Starrett, the director of such films as THE
LOSERS [1970] and RACE
WITH THE DEVIL [1975]), who is trying to record his subjects
worst fears and eventual deaths in their dreams, but is falling short
because all his subjects, which includes Donna, Jack, Kim (Alisha
Das) and Bill (Arthur Cybulski), keep waking up before they actually
die in their dreams (Why Doc wants to do this is the film's biggest
mystery). To "toughen them up" and get them to "accept"
death, Doc sends his subjects to a house in the middle of the
"Valley Of Fear", a section of the desert that contains a
long-closed mine where UFOs and other strange phenomena have been
reported for centuries. Doc sends along the musclebound Dean (Brian
Thompson; COBRA - 1986) to act as
their driver and bodyguard (Dean purposely runs over a rabbit while
driving the van to their destination, explaining to the others, who
are sickened by his callous and cruel act, that "the highway's
mine!"). After changing a flat tire and buying peaches from a
facially deformed female fruit peddler, our group finally makes it to
their destination: A strange house that has partially collapsed into
the mine (Kim calls it "The world's biggest basement.").
After dropping everyone off at the house, Dean leaves to do some
business and meets the retarded gatekeeper, Wendall (Tom Dugan; PERFECT
VICTIMS - 1988), who tells Dean in no uncertain terms,
"Wendall guards the property. Wendall locks the gates. Wendall
feeds the animals and Wendall phones the house. I do!" Dean
sarcastically replies, "You don't drink the water, do you?"
(The water is reportedly contaminated by some unknown and
unclassified substance). Now the film gets really strange. Doc and
his subjects set up some electronic equipment in the house (which is
riddled with secret passages) and hold a séance, where doors
slam repeatedly, the temperature falls to freezing and a worm-like
creature comes out of the chimney. It turns out that everything
but the ectoplasmic worm was rigged by Doc to elicit fear responses
from the group, but they have also seem to have awakened what Doc
calls "a demonic entity with the power to project
hallucinations." Is this also part of Doc's mysterious plan for
getting his subjects to accept death or is something really
paranormal going on here? No, really, I wish someone would tell me,
because what happens next is some of the most confusing (albeit gory,
gooey and bug-ridden) sequences in 80's horror film history, as the
subjects begin to die horrible, strange deaths and the film's closing
shot seems to suggest that this whole film was someone's bad dream
and ends on that old chestnut that goes: "If a man dreams he's a
butterfly and wakes up, how does he know if he's a man who dreamed he
was a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming he's a man?" Save that
crap for your Philosophy 101 class, Doc! I would rather have watched
a film that didn't make my head spin trying to figure out what the
hell was going on. NIGHTWISH
is high in atmosphere and strangeness, but director Bruce R. Cook's (HUSBANDS,
WIVES, MONEY & MURDER - 1984) screenplay make absolutely
no sense at all except to showcase some excellent gore and makeup
effects (by KNB Effects Group) in the film's second half (the optical
effects, on the other hand, are pretty poor). Robert Tessier (STARCRASH
- 1978) also puts in an appearance rather late in the film as Doc's
loyal assistant, Stanley, who likes to collect "souvenirs"
from Doc's subjects, such as cutting one of Jack's fingers off with a
pair of tin snips. Jack Starrett was beginning to show the ravages of
the cancer that took his life the following year (his face is very
gaunt here and he is much skinnier than normal) and the late Robert
A. Burns once again contributes some excellent Art Direction
(just like he did in THE
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE [1974] and TOURIST
TRAP [1978]). All-in-all, NIGHTWISH
is nothing more than a mishmash of ideas, mixing paranormal activity,
haunted house themes, alien invasion paranoia and dream
interpretations into a confusing amalgam of visuals that leads
nowhere. Originally available on VHS from Vidmark
Entertainment in R-Rated and Unrated Editions. I shouldn't have
to tell you to search for the Unrated edition since it lingers longer
on the gory deaths (especially Brian Thompson's, which is a doozy)
and welcome female nudity. Not available on U.S. DVD. Rated R
or Unrated.
NINJA
III: THE DOMINATION (1984) -
After the unexpected success of ENTER
THE NINJA (1981), Cannon Films founders Menahem Golan and
Yoram Globus produced two official sequels (both starring Sho
Kosugi), REVENGE OF THE NINJA
(1983) and this one, a strange and entertaining mixture of martial
arts and horror genres. The film opens with a seemingly
indestructible ninja killing a millionaire industrialist, his
girlfriend and several bodyguards on a golf course before leading the
police on a chase, where he kills numerous cops (as well as
destroying a police helicopter) before being gunned-down by several
officers (we see all the officers' faces in close-up, as well as one
cop whose face is obscured by the sun, so we know that their lives
will be in danger later on), The mortally wounded ninja (he has been
riddled with over 50 bullets and shotgun blasts) manages to escape in
a puff of smoke and stumbles into the desert, where telephone line
repairwoman Christie (Lucinda Dickey; CHEERLEADER
CAMP - 1988) offers him help, but instead is attacked by the
ninja and then possessed by his spirit after accepting his samurai
sword. The pretty Christie then begins having visions of all those
officers' faces and begins killing them one-by-one while possessed by
the ninja and then has no memory of committing the murders when she
wakes up (The first clue Christie should have
known something was wrong was when she suddenly has knowledge of
martial arts and beats the snot out of a street gang when they
threaten to rape her). Christie begins dating persistent street cop
Billy Secord (Jordan Bennett) when he refuses to take no for an
answer (He follows her to her aerobics class and shortly afterwards
he's licking V8 juice off her bare breasts!) and, wouldn't you know
it, Billy's partner is one of the cops involved in gunning-down the
ninja. As Christie's behavior becomes more bizarre (the possession
scenes are simply priceless, as the samurai sword floats in mid-air
[on a visible wire] and Christie travels to the dead ninja's secret
cave to grab some weapons and don his ninja outfit) and more cops end
up dead, including Billy's partner, the sudden appearance of eye patch-wearing
Master Ninja Yamada (Sho Kosugi) arriving in town from Japan can
only mean one thing: An eventual showdown between him and the
possessed Christie. Billy grows more concerned with Christie's
demeanor, such as her sudden interest in Japanese culture and her
"black-outs", so he takes Christie to Miyashima (James
Hong; THE JITTERS -
1988), a phony expert on Japanese possession, who chains Christie up
at the waist and performs a ritual over her body. A totally surprised
Miyashima is not prepared for the result (think THE
EXORCIST [1973] on steroids) and warns Billy that Christie
is possessed by a "Black Ninja" and "only a ninja can
destroy a ninja." I think we can all see where this is headed,
but the question still remains: Who is the officer whose face was
obscured by the sun? Could it possibly be Billy and will the
possessed Christie kill him? This totally absurd martial
arts/horror film, directed by Sam Firstenberg (AVENGING
FORCE - 1986; SPIDERS 2
- 2001) and written by James R. Silke, who both handled the same
chores on REVENGE OF THE NINJA, as well as AMERICAN
NINJA (1985), is so outlandish and full of "What The
Fuck?!?" moments, you can't help but enjoy yourself. There are
plenty of moments to relish here, especially Christie's EXORCIST-like
transformation in Miyashima's shop, where she spins around like a
wound-up propellor on a toy airplane, while her face and hair get all
spooky and she starts speaking in tongues. Another outrageous scene
is the possessed Christie's slaughter of several police officers at a
cop's funeral. Watching cops being killed at an officer's funeral is
one of the strangest sights I have ever seen in a film. But my
favorite scene, bar none, is when Christie tries to fight off one
instance of possession by (get this) aerobic dancing at a furious
pace! If you aren't laughing hysterically at this sequence, I can
guarantee that you don't have a humorous bone in your entire body.
Think FLASHDANCE (1983) by
way of a Solid Gold Dancer high on PCP. This film has it all: Bloody
deaths (most by sword impalement of some kind), martial arts fights
(choreographed by Sho Kosugi), gravity-defying stunts, car crashes,
Lucinda Dickey in the nude and plenty of optical and laser effects
(including Christie being scanned by an arcade console game called
Bouncer, a real prototype game system that was never mass produced).
This is one of those films that restores your faith in American
action films. Unfortunately, this was the last in the series, as
Yoram/Globus and Cannon Films went in a different direction (but not
any less enjoyable), making action films starring Michael Dudikoff,
starting with the aforementioned AMERICAN NINJA. Sho Koshugi
left Cannon Films and went on to appear in a string of martial arts
actioners, including NINE
DEATHS OF THE NINJA (1985), PRAY
FOR DEATH (1985), RAGE
OF HONOR (1987) and hosting a VHS series of martial arts
flicks for Trans World Entertainment.
Also starring David Chung, Dale Ishimoto, Bob Craig, Pamela Ness and
Roy Padilla. Originally released on VHS by MGM/UA
Home Video and available on many gray market DVDs floating
around with custom
DVD covers. UPDATE: Available on Blu-Ray/DVD
from Shout! Factory
sub-label Scream Factory.
This is the one to get if you want to watch the film in all its
original aspect, unedited glory. Rated R.
NO
SUCH THING (2001)
-
Billed as a modern day fairy tale, I believe it is more about the
miracles of life and death. In what can only be described as an
alternate universe, the film first takes take place in New York
(Manhattan has been bought by an entertainment company) where
Beatrice (Sarah Polley of DAWN
OF THE DEAD - 2004) works as a gofer for TV news bigwig and
unfeeling The Boss (the always entertaining Helen
Mirren). When Beatrice finds out that her fiance is missing in
Iceland covering a story, she asks The Boss to let her go find out
what really happened. The plane that Beatrice is on crashes into the
ocean and she is the only survivor. With nearly every bone in her
body broken and nearly no chance of walking again, Beatrice undergoes
an experimental procedure with the help of kindly Dr. Anna (Julia
Christie) which lets her walk again. Beatrice then goes to Iceland
where she finds a monster (Robert John Burke of DUST
DEVIL - 1992; THINNER
- 1996 and HIDE AND SEEK
- 2005) who speaks perfect English, breathes fire and wants her to
destroy him. Even after discovering that he has killed her fiance,
Beatrice cannot find herself to kill the beast. (She does pump a slug
into his stomach but it has no effect. The monster then points the
gun at his head and pulls the trigger and it also has no effect!) The
monster confesses to Beatrice that he is immortal (he has seen
mountains decay), is an alcoholic, insomniac and the only one of his
kind in the world. The only person able to destroy him is Dr. Artaud
(Baltasar Kormakur), who the monster wants Beatrice to find to end
his misery. The only way Beatrice will do this is if the monster
accompanies her in the search, which leads back to New York. To give
away any more of the plot would be to destroy the film as it is one
of the most humanistic portrayals of good and evil (and what defines
them) to be portrayed in films. Who would have thought that this
fertile gem would come from Long Island director Hal Hartley, who
mainly does romantic dramas (He also did the haunting music score
here). The use of authentic locations and actors in Iceland greatly
enhances the drama and Burke is a hoot as the monster (makeup
courtesy of Mark Rappaport), spewing diatribes and downing massive
amounts of alcohol. Though short on blood and gore, that's not the
point of this film. The real point is how the public views you and
how long the entertainment industry (including the news division) can
keep you in the spotlight before they chew you up and spit you out. I
guess it's not an alternate universe after all. This did get a
theatrical release and many good reviews but bombed at the box
office. I believe the normal viewing audience will let most of the
parables drift right over their heads. Don't let this happen to you.
This is a masterpiece of weird (but true) cinema. As Dr. Artaud says:
"What would the world be without monsters?" An MGM/UA
Release. Rated
R.
OGROFF
(1983) - The French, they are a funny race. This ultra-low-budget
French horror cheapie opens with a family pulling their car over to
the side of the road so Dad can take a pee. While Dad is draining the
lizard, Mom gets out to stretch her legs and small daughter Letricia
and the family dog go to play in the woods for a few moments. Poor
little Leticia is immediately axed in the chest by a limbering
leather mask and wool cap-wearing backwoods creep known as Ogroff
(director Norbert Georges Moutier) and he drags her body away by her
feet. When Dad goes to look for her, Ogroff chops off his head with
the axe as Dad's headless body is able to walk to the side of the
road before collapsing. Mom runs away from Ogroff and is able to flag
down a car, but a circus clown gets out, yells at her ("Walking
does you good...What a stupid bitch!"), gets back in his car and
speeds away without her (I told you the French were a funny race. Not
"ha! ha!" funny, just funny in the head). Mom continues to
run away from Ogroff until she comes to a fork in the road (hey, what
about the dog?). Should she go left, right or straight ahead? She
decides to follow a man who is walking a bike with a cart attached to
it and when she catches up to
him, she discovers that the man is Ogroff (What The Fuck?!?) and the
cart contains the corpse of her daughter. Ogroff ties Mom's hands
behind her back, but he apparently failed knot-tying in the Boy
Scouts (He was probably more into drinking wine and smoking
cigarettes during his childhood!), because Mom escapes and runs
further into the woods, right into, you guessed it, Ogroff's shack.
Mom goes inside and finds that the place is decorated in early TEXAS
CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974) fashion, with bones hanging from
the ceiling, nude centerfolds plastered on the walls and bloody human
remains everywhere. Ogroff recaptures Mom as she comes outside,
chains her to a wooden post and cuts out her tongue to stop her from
screaming and feeds it to the family dog (Wait a second. How did he
have time to bring the dog to his shack before Mom arrived there? Mon
dieu, my head is spinning!). Ogroff then saws and chops little
Leticia's body into pieces on a tree stump in full view of Mom and
feeds some of the flesh to something he keeps behind a trap door in
his basement. Mom's sister sets out to find her when the police won't
help (Too late, though, as Ogroff has already chopped Mom into little
pieces) and the rest of the film is a series of bloody set pieces, as
Ogroff and Sis chop and stab their way through a bunch of forest
dwellers before meeting each other. Sis accidentally releases a bunch
of zombies (some dressed in World War II military uniforms) that
Ogroff has kept in his basement (so that's what they were!). For some
unknown reason, the dead begin rising from their graves and Sis must
flee from them as well as Ogroff, who has now jumped on a motorcycle
and is giving chase, axe in hand. What's the French word for
"overkill"? Like the French during wartime, I surrendered
myself to the fact that there's no point in putting up a fight, as I
let the film run its course until it finally ended. There is
not much to recommend about this very cheap French horror film
besides some early gore effects from Benoit Lestang, who committed
suicide shortly after finishing the tough-to-handle make-up effects
to the French/Canadian horror film MARTYRS
(2008). Director/producer/screenwriter/actor Norbert Georges Moutier
(usually credited as "N.G. Mount"), a French fanzine
publisher, decided he wanted to make a horror film and this was his
first effort. Unfortunately, it is amateur hour in nearly every
department, from acting (people don't act here; they mug for the
camera); editing (there are so many unneeded jump cuts here that I
would say the editor was either blindfolded or drunk); sound (this
was shot without sound and was badly looped later); photography (lots
of medium and long shots with static camera placement that go on for
far too long); music (a droning synthesizer score); and screenplay
(there's really no story here, but if you want to see a masked killer
masturbating with his axe while lying in bed, then this is the film
for you!). The only real reason for watching this film is for
Lestang's plentiful gore effects, which includes beheadings,
dismemberments, face slashings, stabbings, impalements and
cannibalism. Otherwise, there's not much of a point in watching OGROFF
(also known as MAD MUTILATOR),
as it reminds me of someone's amateur backyard film they made over a
weekend with some friends. The late Howard Vernon (who must have owed
someone a mighty big favor) appears in a cameo as a vampire in the
film's "surprise" finale (and he gets top billing!).
Director Moutier would go one to make some even more obscure films,
including OPERATION LAS VEGAS
(1988; with Richard Harrison!); ALIEN
PLATOON (1991); TREPANATOR
(1991); DINOSAUR FROM
THE DEEP (1993) and BROOKLYN
COP (1998). Also starring Philippe Kaufman, Sonia Kannouche,
Robert Alaux, Francois Deniel, Pierre Pattin, Alain Petit,
Jean-Pierre Putters, Christophe Lemaire and Michel Prati. The print I
viewed was a DVD-R sourced from a French VHS that was English
fansubbed (There's only about five lines of spoken dialogue in the
entire film!). I don't believe this film ever got a legitimate home
video release outside of France. Not Rated.
PANDEMONIUM
(1982) - Director Alfred Sole is somewhat of an enigma in the
filmmaking business. Although he still very active in the business
today (mainly as a Production Designer on TV shows), during the 70's
& early 80's he made four films of such diversity, it's hard to
believe they were made by the same man. His first film, DEEP
SLEEP (1972), was an X-rated porn comedy about necrophilia
(edited prints still exist, but it looks like the unedited version is
lost forever, not unusual for a porn film from this time period). His
second film, the masterful ALICE,
SWEET ALICE (a.k.a. COMMUNION
and HOLY TERROR - 1976),
was as close as one could get to making a perfect American giallo
film and it's combination of murder mystery, gory deaths and
religious allegory still holds up today. His third film, TANYA'S
ISLAND (1980), was a twisted erotic tale (starring Prince
protégé Vanity using the name "D.D. Winters")
about an ape's love for a beautiful woman and vice-versa; a strange
mixture of erotica, a terrific ape suit (designed by Rick Baker),
jealousy and beautiful tropic island scenery. After watching those
three films, nothing will prepare your for his fourth (and last), PANDEMONIUM,
his first "studio" film (for United Artists), a mostly
unfunny kitchen sink horror comedy (and, yes, a kitchen sink is used
as a prop!) that was definitely inspired by the successes of AIRPLANE!
and FRIDAY THE 13TH
(both 1980). Originally filmed under the title THURSDAY THE 12TH,
this film opens in 1963, in
the town of It Had To Be, Indiana, where a maniac has just killed and
entire cheerleading squad with a single javelin throw (One spinning
newspaper headline reads: CHEERLEADERS SLAIN IN SHISH-KE-BOB MURDER!
- HUNGARIANS QUESTIONED). As more and more cheerleaders are killed
(all off-screen) throughout the 60's, the cheerleading camp is
finally closed down. Cut to 1982 and the cheerleader camp reopens,
with Bambi (Candy Azzara), a cheerleader-wannabe from 1963 who never
made the squad and was teased by the other cheerleaders, taking over
the reigns of the camp. Potential new cheerleader victims include
Candy (Carol Kane, looking way too old for the role), a CARRIE
(1976)-like teen with telekinetic powers; Mandy (Teri Landrum), a
beauty queen and an airhead; Sandy (Debralee Scott), a no-nonsense
girl who needs references from the drivers who pick her up
hitchhiking (she eventually chooses to take a ride with then-President
Reagan, but refuses his offer of jellybeans); Randy (Marc McClure)
and Andy (Miles Chapin), two horndogs who are in it only for the sex;
and Glenn Dandy (Judge Reinhold, in a ridiculous blonde wig), a
naïve teen virgin who masturbates so much, he has to shave his
palms (you would, too, if your parents are Kaye Ballard and blind
pencil salesman Donald O'Connor!). At the same time, mass murderer
Jarrett (Richard Romanus) escapes from Warden June's (Eve Arden)
prison, so transplanted Canadian Mountie Sgt. Cooper (Tom Smothers),
his trusty horse Bob (who goes everywhere with Cooper...everywhere!)
and the much put-upon Officer Johnson (Paul Reubens, basically doing
Pee Wee Herman with a harder edge) are assigned to recapture Jarrett,
who has now joined forces with escaped asylum maniac Fletcher (Jim
Boeke). It's not long before cheerleaders and camp personnel begin
getting murdered (explosive trampoline; drowning in a milk bath;
industrial strength toothbrush; pom-poms shoved down throats) and
Cooper, who has been searching for the cheerleader maniac for the
last twenty years (because a Canadian Mountie "always gets his
man"), begins to fall in love with Candy. Will love win out over
all and the killer(s) be caught? Though not as bad as the
Hudson Brothers abysmal HYSTERICAL
(1983), Sole's PANDEMONIUM,
written by Richard Whitley and Jaime Klein, relies too much on jokey
names (Salt & Pepe, played by Izabella Telezynska and David L.
Lander; Crystal & China, played by twins Candi & Randi
Brough; the cheerleaders rhyming names), lame sex jokes; lots of
toilet humor (with fart noises, of course) and bloodless killings.
Since the film is rated PG, there is also a complete lack of nudity
(even during a strip poker game!), which is a crying shame
considering the cheerleader premise. There are a few original laughs
to be had here, such as Jarrett turning his victims into opulent
pieces of furniture (His psychiatrist says, "Why, yes, I have
one of his victims in my bedroom!") or Bob (who is mostly shown
as an animatronic horse head) showing up in unusual places, like the
back seat of a car or standing behind his own police desk, but most
of the humor falls flatter than a ten year-old girl's chest, even
though a cast of seasoned pros give it their all (including cameos by
Sydney Lassick, Gary Allen, Lenny Montana, Tab Hunter, Edie McClurg,
Eileen Brennan [who decided to take the pseudonym "A
Friend"], Phil Hartman and Pat Ast). I have no doubt in my mind
that studio interference hampered Alfred Sole from making the type of
movie he wanted, which is probably why he gave up on directing after
making this. That's too bad, because the man obviously has talent if
you let him rip. Here's to hoping that he tries his hand at directing
again...soon! Originally available on VHS from MGM/UA
Home Video and not available on DVD. Rated PG.
PATRICK
STILL LIVES (1980) - I
watched this film about thirty years ago and, according to my
journal, I was not impressed with it (Full Disclosure: Back in the
mid-'80s, this film wasn't available on U.S. home video, so I had to
rent an Italian language VHS tape from a local video store that only
rented tapes from Italy, no English dubbing or subtitles). A friend
(Thanks, Steven!) convinced me to view it again and I'm glad he did.
This unofficial sequel to Australia's PATRICK
(1978) is a sleazy treat, full of full-frontal female nudity and
graphic violence. This film may also be a misogynist's dream come
true, as the women here are treated like sexual playthings and act
like no other women I have ever met! I can only guess that the
Italian VHS tape I originally viewed was heavily edited, because a
gonzo film such as this would
not have escaped my pen, especially in my 30's. It should come as no
surprise that this film was directed by Mario Landi, who was also
responsible for the extremely violent and misogynistic GIALLO
IN VENICE (1979).
The film opens with Dr. Herschel (Sacha Pitoeff; INFERNO
- 1980) and his adult son Patrick (Gianni Dei; SEX
OF THE WITCH - 1973) on the side of the road, their car has
broken down and will not start. Patrick tries to flag down an
oncoming bus, but instead of stopping, someone throws a heavy bottle
out the window and it hits Patrick hard in his face, putting him into
an irreversible coma. The bus keeps going down the road, seemingly
oblivious as to what has just happened.
We then watch as several people arrive at Dr. Herschel's
clinic/resort, all of them personally invited there by Dr. Herschel
and all of them harboring a deep dark secret all their own (I know
what you are thinking and you are right). The guests include Stella
Randolph (Maria Angela Giordan; BURIAL GROUND
- 1980), the mysterious Peter Suniak (John Benedy; KILL
DJANGO, KILL FIRST - 1971), politician Lyndon Cough (Franco
Silva; SPASMO - 1974) and
his oversexed wife Cheryl (Carmen Russo; RING
OF DARKNESS - 1977/1979) and, finally, David Davis (Paolo
Giusti; DIRTY HANDS -
1975), who arrives late and stumbles upon two vicious German
Shepards, wondering why Dr. Herschel would keep such deadly dogs (a
question that is never answered). Dr. Herschel's new assistant, Lydia
Grant (Andrea Belfiore; THE
ADVENTURES OF HERCULES - 1985), shows the guests to their
rooms and apologizes for the lack of help, as this is the resort's
off-season, but she assures them that all of their needs will be
taken care of.
As all the guests are sunning themselves by the pool (Stella has no
problem parading around topless), Cheryl asks her husband why Stella
and Peter are staring at them so intently and wonders if they don't
like them. Lyndon tells her just to ignore them. Back in their room,
Lyndon wonders why Dr. Herschel invited them to this resort and why
Peter hides a gun on his body. He knows Dr. Herschel is aware of his
crooked political past, where an "incident" nearly put him
in prison for life (He is also an alcoholic, keeping a pint bottle
of J&B Scotch, Italy's favorite beverage, on his person,
which he drinks in wild abandon when no one is looking). We then
discover that Lyndon hasn't been intimate with his wife for years,
even at the resort they have separate bedrooms, which is why Cheryl
acts like a tramp, hitting on every man she sees and embarrassing
Lyndon every chance she gets (We see her walking around in a bra that
shows off her nipples!).
At dinner, Dr. Herschel welcomes his guests to the resort, telling
them that while they are staying here, he will give them all a free
medical check-up if they so desire, but they all turn him down. He
then tells them that the only area off-limits to them is his clinic,
where we previously saw a trio of his patients with scarred
physiques, tubes coming out of their bodies, as they lay on hospital
beds next to each other. Patrick, on the other hand, has a room of
his own, where his father dotes on him. It is obvious that Patrick
has the power of telekinesis and also has the power to control
people. He knows about Lydia and is taken by her, so he makes her
walk to his room in a trance-like state one night, but Dr. Herschel
catches and scolds her, saying he told her this place was off-limits,
even for her, and it better not happen again.
The next morning, Lyndon gets up early to take a swim in the pool,
but Patrick makes the water boil, cooking Lyndon's body. When Cheryl
discovers her husband's boiled body, she screams and everyone comes
running to her. Dr. Herschel sedates Cheryl and puts her in her room.
He then tells David and Peter that the condition of Lyndon's body was
caused by his alcoholism (!) and there have been cases, although
rare, where the same thing has happened to other alcoholics. The
question soon becomes: Does Dr. Herschel know about Patrick's powers
and is he using his son to kill these people? If you answered yes to
both of those questions, you would be correct. A short time later,
David tells Stella that he once left a crime scene a few years ago
where three people died, but he doesn't elaborate. Is it possible
that the other guests are also guilty of crimes they don't want to
talk about? Count on it. But why do Patrick and Dr. Herschel want
them dead for those crimes? (It doesn't take a rocket scientist to
figure this out).
While Cheryl is sedated and unconscious in her room, Peter sneaks in
and begins rifling through her belongings, pocketing a letter he
found in an envelope in her purse. It seems like he found what he was
looking for, but, at this time, the viewer has no idea what's in that
letter. We will find out a short time later in the film. During
dinner, a drunk Stella (carrying a bottle of J&B) comes to the
table with her robe wide open, naked to the world for everyone to see
and says to Cheryl that everyone got the same letter to this
"phony vacation", the only difference in the letters being
the crimes they committed, saying Peter was a drug dealer and she was
a street-walking prostitute (it does explain her exhibitionist
behavior). She asks Cheryl what crime she is guilty of and she says
she has no idea what she is talking about. Stella calls her a
"lying bitch", which leads to a catfight (While they are
rolling on the floor, Cheryl says to Stella, "Get away from me,
get away before I catch syphilis from you!"). David and Peter
break it up, David telling Peter to handle the situation further
because "screaming women make me nervous", so Peter drags
Stella back to her room, kicking and screaming (Lydia then enters the
dining room and acts like everything is normal. It could be because
Patrick just tried to telepathically rape her!). Dr. Herschel, who
just witnessed everything that just happened, sits quietly at the
head of the dinner table, a sly smirk on his face. At Stella's room,
Peter pours Stella's hidden bottle of J&B down the bathroom sink
and gets a bath ready for her. Stella comes on to Peter, inviting him
to stay the night, but he says to her, "I usually bang women,
not whiskey bottles", so she calls him an asshole and says he
wants to sleep with Cheryl, which he denies. Stella then gets into he
bubble bath and says, "Don't you like me any more?" When
Peter answers "Maybe", Stella shoots back, "The drugs
turned you into a faggot!", so Peter says, "Then die alone,
bitch!" and leaves the room. These two people are perfect for
each other (Hey, assholes need lovin', too!).
Stella then goes to David's room and hits on him. David is not
interested, because we previously saw him playing with a deck of
tarot cards trying to tell his fortune and the final card he drew was
the Death card (A portend of things to come?). Stella lies on David's
bed and invites him to join her, David asking her why she spared him
at the dinner table. She says, "It's simple. Because in the end,
you will have to defend me." She then puts the moves on David,
but he pushes her away, saying, "No, Stella. I don't like
garbage, especially a gorilla's garbage" (referring to Peter).
Stella calls him a coward and they get into a slap fight (!). When
David leaves the room, he tells Stella, "If you're still here in
ten minutes, I'll kill you!" Something tells me that David is
not into women, both figuratively and literally.
Slightly retarded clinic worker Meg (Anna Veneziano) tells David
that he's in a restricted area, so he asks her if she knows anything
about Lyndon's death. She says no, but strange things have been going
on here lately. She then kisses David on the lips and he doesn't pull
away, but he gives her a strange look as he walks away. Meg then
looks down and picks up a Death tarot card. Did David drop it or is
it a hint from Patrick that David is next on his list? We don't have
to wait long for the answer, because as David is walking on the
grounds at night, we hear theremin music on the soundtrack (a sonic
hint that Patrick is using his powers). David senses that something
is wrong (the wind is blowing, but only in certain areas, ignoring
the laws of physics), so he runs and hides, finding himself in the
courtyard where the dogs are chained-up, only they are not barking,
they are whimpering. In the middle of the courtyard is a well, but an
iron gate blocks the well's hole. David then sees Patrick's eyes
coming towards him (a cheap optical effect, but still effective) and
the iron gate opens by itself, a hook on a chain rising to the top of
the well. The hook then pierces David's neck and he is suspended over
the well, dead, blood gushing from his neck. A drunk Stella stumbles
outside, hearing the dogs howling, and discovers David's bloody,
hanging body (I just gotta hear Dr. Herschel's explanation for this
death!). Stella runs away screaming, stopping by the resort's giant
fountain to splash water on her face. She should have kept running,
because she sees Patrick's eyes coming towards her (uh, oh!) and we
cut to Peter sleeping, awoken by the howling dogs. Stella runs for
her life, hiding out in an unused kitchen at the resort. She opens up
a refrigerator and finds a splayed monkey (!) inside it. The lights
go out and what happens next is the film's highlight. It is also very
hard to watch. A large metal spike floats in the air and enters
Stella's vagina (nothing is left to the imagination) and exits out
her mouth! (I know she wanted to get laid, but this is ridiculous!).
Peter, Cheryl and Lydia hear her screams and find Stella's dead body,
looking like a human shish-kabob. Dr. Herschel says Lyndon's death is
explainable, but David and Stella's deaths are beyond human logic.
Peter, on the other hand, calls all three deaths murders, but Dr.
Herschel says who could have done such a thing? Either he's lying or
he doesn't know about Patrick's powers (I'm betting on the former).
Dr. Herschel tells Peter that he has already called the police and a
detective will be here tomorrow morning.
Patrick then once again calls for Lydia, who shows up in his room
and strips naked, gyrating sexually around his comatose body, using
one of his bedposts like a sex toy. She then lies down on the couch
in his room and Patrick telepathically makes love to her (it looks
like a porn film, but without the "money shot"). Peter
tells Cheryl that he is leaving the resort and she begs him to take
her with him. He gives her five minutes to get her stuff and meet him
at his car. We then see Cheryl putting her stuff in the backseat of
Peter's car and the automatic window starts to go up on its own,
decapitating her! Peter then gets into his car, but when he sees
Cheryl's decapitated head in the backseat, all the doors lock and the
car fills up with smoke, killing him.
We then finally discover that Dr. Herschel knows about his son's
powers (Patrick feeds off the energy of Dr. Herschel's three other
patients, slowly
draining them of life and scarring their bodies). He tells Patrick
not to stop, there's one more person to kill, but who can it be? All
the guests are dead. We then discover that the person in the bus that
threw the bottle that put Patrick in a permanent coma could only have
been one of six people on the bus. It took Dr. Herschel years to find
out their identities and to put his plan of action in the works. Five
of the people were the guests he invited to the resort and the sixth
person is a new hire. That's right, it is Lydia. But the
question soon becomes: Will Patrick listen to his father and kill the
woman he loves or will he do something else? If you want to know the
answer, you will have to watch the film. I have to leave something
for you to discover, don't I? (Hint: Love is everything, except for
fatherly love).
This is a really perverse film, chock-full of full-frontal nudity
and not just the women. But the one thing that couldn't escape my
mind is how much Gianni
Dei as Patrick looks strikingly like a young Steve Railsback (THE
SURVIVALIST - 1987; ED
GEIN - 2000), so much so that I found myself believing it
was actually him! I know that J&B Scotch is an Italian film
favorite when product placement comes into play, but this film swims
in it, as five minutes don't go by without seeing the distinctive
label on its green bottle or even on ashtrays
and pitchers! I half-expected that the resort's swimming pool
would be full of the stuff! But the real reason you should watch this
film is to see how director Mario Landi uses Piero Regnoli's
(director of THE
PLAYGIRLS AND THE VAMPIRE - 1960; and screenwriter of the
excellent CRY OF A PROSTITUTE
- 1974; CITY OF THE
WALKING DEAD - 1980; and SATAN'S
BABY DOLL - 1982) screenplay to insert as much nudity in the
film as he possibly can (even the dogs rip off Meg's clothes before
mauling her to death!). If you are expecting to discover who actually
threw the bottle at Patrick, you will be bitterly disappointed, but
does it really even matter? Apparently not, but this film is a sleazy
treat, full of near-pornographic nudity and sex, as well as some very
graphic violence. They don't make 'em like this any more, folks, and
we are all poorer for it.
Shot as PATRICK
VIVE ANCORA (a literal translation of the review title),
this film had neither a theatrical or VHS release in the United
States, making its first appearance on these shores as a widescreen,
uncut DVD from Media Blasters/Shriek Show, which is long OOP.
Unfortunately, it has never been upgraded, but I saw a beautiful
uncut anamorphic widescreen print on YouTube, in Italian with English
subtitles. I wish some enterprising company would get on the ball and
give us fans what we want, a nice print on Blu-Ray with all the bells
and whistles. Are you listening Severin or Synapse? Not Rated,
but if it were, it would need substantial cuts just to get an
R-Rating. UPDATE: Now available on DVD
& Blu-Ray from Severin
Films, the purveyors of everything Italian and bless 'em for it!
Thanks for listening, Severin!
PREMONITION
(1972) - This is the first directorial effort from Alan Rudolph,
a trippy counterculture horror film that displays touches of
Rudolph's quirkiness that would blossom much later in his arthouse
films, including CHOOSE
ME (1984), TROUBLE
IN MIND (1985) and MADE
IN HEAVEN (1987). The film opens with hippie guitar-playing
troubadour Neil (Carl Crow) singing a ballad while walking through a
deserted, windswept town and then sitting down and talking directly
into the camera. He begins narrating a story that begins three years
earlier, when he took a job as a driver/assistant to Professor
Kilrenny (Victor Izay; BILLY JACK
- 1971), who is looking for an ancient Indian village somewhere in
the Mexican desert. As the Professor sets out on his own, Neil builds
base camp and smokes some weed. The Professor finds a skeleton lying
amongst a field of some strange red plants and runs back to Neil to
help him retrieve it. When Neil gets close to the skeleton, he has
visions of a horribly-scarred head and when he helps the Professor
load the skeleton on the back
of the pickup truck and they drive away, Neil has another vision
which causes him to crash the truck and destroy the skeleton. The
experience forces Neil to give up drugs for three years (although
he's smoking a joint while narrating this tale). The story then skips
ahead two years, where Neil and his best friend Baker (Winfrey Hester
Hill) join a rock band and get a gig at a bar, but Neil's strange
behavior gets him and Baker kicked out of the band. Neil and Baker
join fellow musician Andy (Tim Ray), who also suffers from some
serious nightmares, and form a musical trio. They head for San
Francisco on their motorcycles (leading the way for several EASY
RIDER [1969]-like vignettes) in hopes of hitting the big
time, taking up residence in an old abandoned farmhouse. Andy
immediately has a bad case of déjà vu and tells Neil
and Baker that something bad happened here (He says, "I saw the
Devil here. She was here!" to which Baker jokingly replies,
"She couldn't have been here. I left her at home!"). Pretty
soon, both Neil and Andy begin sharing the same nightmares, which
involves a smoke-shrouded demon, three hippie chicks in a field and
Andy getting decapitated. The question soon becomes: Are these
nightmares or prophetic visions? When Andy begins smoking the leaves
of the red plant (the same red plants that were growing around the
skeleton in the Mexico desert), he begins to unravel the mystery,
much to Neil's dismay. A chance encounter with Professor Kilrenny and
a rock concert at the farmhouse results in Neil and Adam discovering
the truth about their nightmares and possibly unleashing a force that
will continue to kill for years to come. PREMONITION
is a confusing and dated, yet, somehow, very involving horror film.
Sure, it's full of drug references, dated hippy dialogue and trippy
visuals (including freak-outs and weird camera angles), but
director/producer/writer Alan Rudolph (whose next film would be the
god-awful BARN OF THE
NAKED DEAD [1974] and would later make the interesting cattle
mutilation/conspiracy thriller ENDANGERED
SPECIES [1982]) spins a highly involving yarn that rewards
the patient viewer. Rudolph tosses-in every visual trick in the book,
including flashbacks-within-flashbacks, subliminal editing, solarized
shots of hippie chicks dancing, psychedelic trip sequences with lots
of colorful gel lighting and a very early example of Steadicam work.
While the film is not very bloody (just a quick shot of a
decapitation, a burned corpse and bloody head wounds), it is
absolutely creepy in spots (especially the shared nightmare) and the
droning electronic score that accompanies those sequences are sure to
raise some goosebumps. This is an interesting and rarely-seen first
feature from a director whose acclaim has come due to his odd choices
in subject matter. To the untrained eye, this film may seem to be
nothing more than a minor hippie drug horror flick, but auteur
Rudolph is actually revealing much more to the viewer. Like most of
his films, PREMONITION
(also known as HEAD and THE IMPURE)
has layers to it that can be peeled away if you know what to look
for. This would make a great double feature with Fredric Hobb's ALABAMA'S
GHOST (1972). Not to be confused with director Robert Allen
Schnitzer's THE PREMONITION
(1975), an equally weird and worthwhile foray into minds damaged and
destroyed. Also starring Judith Patterson, Durt C. Lodd, Michelle
Fitzsimmons, Barry Brown and Shelley Snell. Originally released on
VHS by Active
Home Video and not available on U.S. DVD. Rated PG.
PSYCHO
KICKBOXER: THE DARK ANGEL
(1992/1997) - Kickboxer Alex Hunter (Curtis Bush) seemingly has
it all: His kickboxing career is taking off, his girlfriend Julia
(Stephanie Godfrey) has just accepted his marriage proposal and his
father, Chief of Detectives Alan Hunter (George James), is about to
put away crime lord Hawthorne (Tom Story) for a long time.
Hawthorne's not having any of that (He's so mean, instead of cutting
off an underling's pinky finger as a sign of loyalty, he cuts-off the
poor schmuck's entire hand!), so he has his thugs kidnap Alex, Alan
and Julia as they walk out of a restaurant and brings them to a
warehouse, where a tied-up Alex is forced to witness his father
getting his head blown-off with a shotgun (a very gory effect) and
then watch Julia being gang-raped, followed by having her throat cut.
Alex is shot, beaten and left for dead, but he is saved by black
wheelchair-bound Vietnam veteran Joshua (Rod Suiter), who nurses Alex
back to health and turns him into the "Dark Angel", the
psycho kickboxer of the title (We soon find out it was Hawthorne who
put Joshua in the wheelchair, not the Vietnam War). Alex, who is
wanted by the police in connection with his father and Julia's
deaths, thanks to evidence planted
at the scene by Alan's crooked cop partner Harry O'Reilly (Ray
Brown), dons a black ninja outfit and begins cleaning-up the streets
of rapists and drug pushers, which begins to interfere with
Hawthorne's criminal enterprises. The cops put a bounty on the Dark
Angel's head and Alex gets more attention than he needs when he saves
tabloid reporter Cassie Wells (Kim Reynolds) from three rapists.
Cassie joins forces with private investigator Jack Cook (Rick Clark)
to discover the true identity of the Dark Angel so Cassie can get a
front page story and they both can split the reward. As Alex goes on
a bloody revenge spree, Hawthorne kidnaps Cassie, Jack and Joshua and
forces Alex to fight a series of increasingly more difficult
opponents in Hawthorne's nightclub. When Alex runs out of opponents,
he turns his attention towards Hawthorne's right-hand man, Hawk (Del
Potter), who slit Julia's throat in the beginning of the film, and
then Harry, while Joshua, (sans wheelchair), makes sure that
Hawthorne doesn't live to see tomorrow. This ultra-low-budget
actioner, directed/produced by Mardy South (his only directorial
credit) and written by Kathy Varner, took 14 months to film and
nearly five years to find a distributor, yet it is not nearly as
awful as it should be. Sure, some of the acting is sub-par, the sound
effects over-amped and the photography grainy, but the film has a
visceral energy that can't be denied and there is some extreme gore
on display here that is surprisingly well-done (and unusual in a
flick like this). The visceral energy comes courtesy of star Curtis
"The Explosive Thin Man" Bush, who was 5-time World
Kickboxing Champion and a professional middleweight boxer at the time
of this film's release. While he's not much of an actor (he's usually
plays a background extra on TV shows like LOST
[2004 - 2010]), his martial arts sequences are usually very well done
and violent as hell. This is the type of film where every rapist,
drug dealer and street scum has extensive martial arts experience,
which makes for highly improbable, yet entertaining, street fights.
My favorite scene comes when Alex saves a woman from a carjacking by
beating her attacker to a bloody pulp. The woman then becomes so
enraged, she starts her car and runs over her attacker's head,
squashing it like some ripe watermelon. It's scenes like this which
keeps the viewer totally off-balance and while I would never call PSYCHO
KICKBOXER a good film by any stretch of the imagination
(it's anemic budget shines through in nearly every scene), I must say
that it was much better than I expected it to be. It's got
paraplegic-fu, a knife in the forehead, full-frontal female nudity
and bursts of graphic gore (although the DVD artwork, depicting Alex
kicking some guy's head completely off his shoulders in a geyser of
blood, appears nowhere in the film). You could do a lot worse and
probably have. Filmed entirely in Hampton Roads, Virginia using local
talent exclusively in front and behind the camera. Also starring
Frank Gagnano, George James and Andrew Peele. Originally released on
VHS by E.I. Independent Cinema and now available on DVD from
Shock-O-Rama Cinema as part of a double feature, with the equally
weird, but less than stellar CANVAS
OF BLOOD (1997). Not Rated.
A
QUIET PLACE IN THE COUNTRY
(1968) - Leonardo Ferri (Franco Nero; THE
THIRD EYE - 1966) is a popular abstract artist, but he has
not created anything new in the past three months, so he tells his
married sales agent/part-time lover Flavia (Vanessa Redgrave; THE
DEVILS - 1971) that he needs to get out of Milan to recharge
his creative batteries. He is drawn to an abandoned mansion in a tiny
village in Venice and tells Flavia, against her wishes, that he wants
to live there because it is the perfect place for him to create.
Flavia rents the mansion for Leonardo and he and some workers,
including his new housekeeper
Egle (Rita Calderoni; BLACK MAGIC RITES
- 1973), make the place livable again. Leonardo discovers that the
large holes in one of the outside walls of the mansion were caused by
bullets shot from an American warplane during World War II, but why
is someone leaving a bouquet of freshly picked wildflowers at the
wall several times a week? Leonardo is determined (some would say
obsessed) to find out who and why they are doing this and it will
lead him to a supernatural mystery that will haunt him for the rest
of his life. How long that is depends on his actions.
Leonardo soon discovers that it wasn't just the wall that was shot
on that day in the early-1940's. Also shot and killed was 17-year-old
Wanda (Gabriella Grimaldi; JOHNNY HAMLET
- 1968), known to people in the village as the "Little
Contessa." Leonardo believes the spirit of Wanda haunts the
mansion, as whenever Flavia pays him a visit, bad things happen to
her, like a ceiling collapsing on her, invisible hands trying to pull
her through a hole in the floor, a heavy bookcase nearly falling on
her and a hot water heater exploding why she is taking a shower, all
incidents which could have been fatal for her, but she manages to
escape harm. But she is so freaked out, she refuses to spend a night
in the mansion. One night, Leonardo has a nightmare where he sees his
new studio destroyed, but when he wakes up, he discovers that it
wasn't a nightmare at all. When Leonardo goes to Egle's bedroom to
see if she knows anything about the mess, he discovers that she has a
lover in there (Renato Menegotto), who is hiding under the bed and
Egle tells him it is her "little brother"! (Leonardo, of
course, doesn't believe her. We see him staring at Egle's breasts
several times in the film and one time he grabs her breast and she
doesn't put up much of a fight!).
Leonardo discovers some facts about Wanda when he questions some
villagers at the local pub. All the men describe her as amazingly
beautiful, but all the women call her a "whore" and a
"slut", saying Wanda would drop her clothes at the sight of
any man, handsome or ugly; further saying that she was a nymphomaniac
who had many male lovers at the same time. Leonardo also discovers
that Wanda's favorite color was red, so he has some workers
(including Egle and her "little brother") paint the outside
columns of the mansion bright red, in hopes that Wanda would reveal
herself to him (I often wonder if this film is where Clint Eastwood
got the idea to "paint the town red" in HIGH
PLAINS DRIFTER - 1973). Leonard believes that Wanda wants
him to live in this mansion permanently and rationalizes that she is
jealous of Flavia, which is why bad things happen to her every time
she is in the mansion. He may be right, but is it wise to tempt a
ghost? He will soon find out. Leonardo also discovers that Wanda's
mother (Madeleine Damien; THE
DAY OF THE JACKAL - 1973) is still alive, so he goes to visit
her in hopes of finding out more about her daughter. The mother is
old, frail and penniless (pay close attention to how Leonardo sees
her in his twisted mind) and in one room she has a virtual monument
to her daughter, the walls and tables full of photos and memorabilia
of Wanda. She tells Leonardo to look in a box containing more photos
of Wanda, so he takes all of them, after dropping some money in the
box, and leaves, ignoring the mother's pleas for him to spend some
time with her because she never gets visitors.
Leonardo finds out that the man leaving flowers at the wall is
married butcher Attilio (Georges Geret; A
REASON TO LIVE, A REASON TO DIE - 1972), who tells Leonardo
about his affair with Wanda before she was killed (He tells Leonardo
he witnessed Wanda being shot by the warplane). He first met Wanda
when he was a teenager walking down a dirt road and she was driving
her car. She pulled up beside him and revealed that she was
completely naked (!) and from that moment on, they became lovers,
even though he knew that she had many other lovers, some of them his
friends, but she was so damn beautiful he couldn't help himself. He
shows Leonardo a secret small room in the mansion where they would
make love and tells him to pay close attention to the mirror in the
room. It's actually a two-way mirror and Attilio tells Leonardo he
can't prove it, but he believes that Wanda's mother watched them
having sex and Wanda was fully aware of it!
Wanda's spirit begins to haunt and tease Leonardo, wearing a red
dress and riding her bike inside the mansion. Leonardo's mind is so
fertile (He has Walter Mitty-like visions throughout the film, but
unlike Mitty, some of his visions are downright strange and bizarre),
we must figure out if Wanda is actually haunting him or if it's all
just in his mind. Leonardo invites the villagers to the mansion for a
party, only to reveal to Flavia that they are holding a séance
to contact Wanda. The male medium (an uncredited David Maunsell; APOCALYPSE
MERCENARIES - 1987) contacts Wanda and an old pair of
scissors (which Leonardo keeps finding around the mansion) appears on
the table, pointing at Attilio. The table begins to move and bang,
telling the medium that Wanda does not want Attilio in the mansion.
Attilio accuses everyone of arranging this, calling them
"clowns", saying that it happened many years ago and it is
not something to laugh about, as he storms out of the mansion.
What does Attilio mean by that? The spirit of Wanda then apparently
tries to strangle Flavia, so she orders everyone to get out of the
mansion immediately. But was it Wanda who tried to strangle her? If
you answered no, you would be correct. Has Leonardo finally lost his mind?
This nearly indescribable film (I did my best to summarize the plot,
but this is a film better viewed than explained), directed/co-written
by Elio Petri (director/screenwriter of THE
10TH VICTIM (1965); the Academy Award and Golden
Globe-winning [for Best Foreign Language Film] INVESTIGATION
OF A CITIZEN ABOVE SUSPICION - 1970; and PROPERTY
IS
NO LONGER A THEFT - 1973), with a writing assist by Luciano
Vincenzoni (DUCK, YOU SUCKER
- 1971; MEAN FRANK AND
CRAZY TONY - 1973), is part fantasy, part supernatural
horror, part mystery, part love story and 100% unique. There's
nothing quite like it, at least as far as I'm concerned. Filmed with
a late-'60s pop art sensibility (check out Leonardo's apartment in
the beginning of the film, where phrases like "We have a
happening to go to at 6:00 pm" are heard), this movie manages to
hold your complete attention, even though you are not sure what
direction it is heading. It's all thanks to Petri's keen sense on
where to place the camera and his off-kilter narrative, Ruggero
Mastroianni's (FLAVIA
THE HERETIC - 1974; HEARTS
AND ARMOUR - 1983) rapid-fire editing (over a decade before
the "MTV Generation") and Franco Nero's affecting
performance as a man dancing on the edge of madness. It just proves
why Franco was (and still is) an actor who was much in demand, not
only in Italian films, but in international productions as well. His
performance here is enthralling without a single false note, in a
role that would make many other actors fail miserably. Vanessa
Redgrave is also excellent as a woman who accepts Leonardo as a man
with many eccentricities, including reading porno magazines in front
of her and bouts of rough sex, but she literally rolls with the
punches until she discovers Leonardo's true
self and comes up with a plan of revenge that is not only
satisfying, it also ends the film. She and Leonardo are contrasting
personalities; Flavia loves electronic devices, but Leonardo abhors
them. When Flavia buys Leonardo a bunch of electronic appliances for
the mansion's ancient kitchen, Leonardo shows his displeasure by
using the dishwasher to clean his paintbrushes. When Leonardo is
accused of killing Flavia after the police find her bloody clothes in
an overturned refrigerator (one of Flavia's gifts to him), we
discover that a crazy artist is more profitable then a sane one, as
an asylum attendant (Leonardo has to spend the rest of his life in an
insane asylum) bribes Leonardo to create more new art by giving him
porno magazines and he collects the art and hands them over to a very
much alive Flavia, who has been making a mint with Leonardo's new
stuff (which looks like an abstract vagina!), while Leonardo watches
out of his asylum room's window. Flavia makes a remark that she is
almost jealous of Leonardo, living in such a lovely place and then
the film ends. The crazy opening and closing credits will make you
wonder if David Fincher's SE7EN
(1995) opening and closing credits weren't influenced by this film.
The editing and Ennio
Morricone's (NIGHTMARE
CASTLE - 1965) music score keeps the viewer off-balance, as
we are not sure if what we are seeing and hearing are real or part of
Leonardo's fractured mind. Some of the more outrageous visions
Leonardo has are his image of Wanda's mother, who he imagines as a
series of coffins, one of them sitting up (it must be seen to be
appreciated) and him not casting a reflection in the small room's
mirror, both of them surprising and twistedly humorous. I cannot
recommend this film enough. If you are in the mood for something
different, this is the film for you!
Shot as UN
TRANQUILLO POSTO DI CAMPAGNA ("A Quiet Country
Place"), this Italian/French co-production had a U.S.
theatrical release by United Artists, and even though it was
R-Rated by the MPAA, it was still edited for scenes of full frontal
female nudity, which was still a no-no in R-Rated films back in the
day. This edited print made its way to VHS by MGM/UA Home Video and
then on DVD-R
as part of MGM Home Entertainment's MOD line. The Blu-Ray
released by Shout! Factory
is the fully unedited version, packed with extras, including a new
interview with Franco Nero. If you don't want to purchase the disc,
you can find the unedited version streaming on YouTube from user
"Der Joker", but this is a film that you will want to make
a permanent addition to your film library. Also featuring Arnaldo
Momo (WATCH ME WHEN I KILL
- 1977), Renato Lupi (NAKED VIOLENCE
- 1969), Umberto Di Grazia (THE RED
HEADED CORPSE - 1972) and John Francis Lane (THE
WITCH'S CURSE - 1962) as the asylum attendant. Not Rated.
THE
RAPE AFTER (1985) - Holy Christ!
What a demented film. I mean that in the best possible way and,
because it was made by the director of BLACK
MAGIC (1975), it may just be one of the best Hong Kong
horror films I have ever seen. Believe me, that's saying a lot. Model
Shu Ya (Chun Wai Man) has one of the most depressing lives I have
ever witnessed. When she is not posing for photographs, she is either
visiting her severely deformed brother Doggie (Who names their kid
"Doggie"?!?) at a special facility run by nuns (Shu Ya
tries to teach Doggie proper table etiquette, like serving tea, but
she ends up puking her guts out when Doggie stirs the tea with his
deformed hand!) or visiting her ultra-religious mother, who hates her
husband (Shu Ya and Doggie's father) so much, she has Shu Ya bring
her special tea to mask the "stink" of her husband's
clothes (Mom is also a terrible housekeeper since Dad disappeared two
months ago, as her apartment is full of cobwebs and rats, but we will
find out more about that as the film progresses). One night, Shu Ya
goes to the apartment of photographer Mo Hsein-Sheng (Melvin Wong),
who has just finished snapping photos of her at a temple for an
advertising job. His apartment is full of grotesque artifacts and
statues, including a nasty-looking demon statue that he has just
stolen from the temple, and they both get drunk on champagne,
throw-up and pass out. The demon statue comes to life and rapes Shu
Ya on the bed (the demon is covered with pulsating pustules and is
quite the disgusting sight)
while Mo is unconscious, passed-out on the coffee table. The
following morning, they both wake up as if nothing has happened, but
it is quite obvious by the worried looks on the monks at the temple
when they discover that the statue was stolen, that Shu Ya and Mo are
never going to be the same again and we, the viewers, are going to be
in for one wild ride. First, Shu Ya discovers that Mo is a womanizing
bastard (she should have realized it when she discovered a pair of
panties on his bed and he tells her that they are his mother's!) and
he blows her off by giving her some photos of them together. Next,
she discovers her father's rotting corpse (a rat crawls out of his
mouth!) in her mother's closet and Mom tells Shu Ya that she murdered
him two months ago when he came home drunk and tried to rape her. She
also tells Shu Ya that dear old Dad was full of syphilis, which would
explain why Doggie is severely deformed and retarded. Mom ends the
conversation by telling Shu Ya that she should get a medical check-up
(Mom is one piece of work, isn't she?). Meanwhile, Mo puts the moves
on Li Ting Ting (Tsang Hing Yu), the pretty daughter of the Master of
the temple where he stole the statue. When Shu Ya discovers that she
is pregnant, Mo takes her to an illegal abortion clinic (that he has
used before), where Shu Ya discovers a refrigerator full of aborted
fetuses. When the doctor tries to perform an abortion on Shu Ya, the
demon suddenly appears, strangling the nurse and shoving a hypodermic
needle in the doctor's eye. A few months later, Shu Ya forces Mo to
drive her to the hospital when the baby is due, but when Mo refuses
to accept that he is the father (he's right, of course, but he's
still a cad) and tells her he is in love with Li Ting Ting, they get
into a car accident and Shu Ya is burned alive, her last words
cursing Mo's life. The events that happen next are some of the most
gruesome and amazing set pieces in Hong Kong horror film history, as
a grotesque monster baby is born during Shu Ya's autopsy (it rips-off
the medical examiner's head!) and escapes into the night seeking
revenge on Mo and those close to him. To say any more would be a
great disservice to the viewer (everything I have described happens
in the first 40 minutes!), so be ready for a wild ride, because
revenge is a dish best served dead. Even the most jaded Hong
Kong horror film fanatic will be surprised by this dark, brooding
piece of depravity. For once, there is not one iota of humor in this
film, as director Ho Meng-Hua (BLACK
MAGIC - 1975; THE
OILY MANIAC - 1975; BLACK
MAGIC 2 - 1976; THE
MIGHTY PEKING MAN - 1977) piles-on scene after scene of
atmospheric and unbelievable sights, such as frog-puking (a priest
performs some unsanitary brain surgery on some poor possessed man and
pulls out a live frog!); grave robbing and desecration; a scene where
Li Ting Ting's housekeeper dices the fingers of her hands with a
cleaver before burying it in her skull; a giant zombie with a taste
for human ears; a horde of zombies rising out of their coffins and
making a meal out of some unfortunate monks trying to help Mo; and
some disturbing sequences where possessed children plead with Li Ting
Ting's father to "Pass me the embryo!" This movie has the
distinction of having the most scenes of people puking than any other
horror movie in history (discounting the "vomit gore" films
Lucifer Valentine, but they hardly register as films, never mind
horror films). This is unforgettable stuff, folks, so be prepared for
what you are about to witness. Strong stomachs required. Some review
and reference sites list cinematographer Tom Lau Moon Tong as the
director of this film, but the on-screen credits plainly state that
Ho Meng-Hua is the director. Also starring Ha Ping, Chan Yau Hau,
Chang Cheng-Yu and Sul Tsui. THE
RAPE AFTER was never legitimately available on home video in
the U.S.; lucky viewers may find the VHS tape or VCD, both released
by Ocean Shores Video (In Mandarin, with hardcoded Chinese and
English subtitles) on eBay or other auction sites. Not Rated.
THE
RAPTURE (1991) - Should
be subtitled THE DAY ALL HEAVEN BROKE LOOSE. Attempting a
description of this
film is like trying to explain the color orange to a blind man. Mimi
Rodgers (great performance) is Sharon, who by day has a boring job as
a telephone operator and by night cruises airport bars and motels
with her sexual partner, Vic (Patrick Bauchau), looking for couples
to swing with. At her job she overhears a trio of her co-workers
talking about "The Dream" and "The Boy". No one
will tell her what it means explaining that she will understand it
all if she puts her trust and love in God. "The Dream" is
actually a vision of The Rapture, when God comes down to Earth to
pass judgment. All those who do not believe in Him will perish, and
will not be able to enter Heaven. "The Boy" is a black
child prophet who knows the year when the Rapture will happen. Sharon
becomes born again and leaves behind her life of sexual debauchery.
She marries and has a baby girl. Six years pass and she and her
family are still living the life of God. Tragedy strikes when
Sharon's husband (David Duchovny) is gunned down, along with a half
dozen other people, by an alcoholic ex-employee he recently fired.
Sharon has a vision which she interprets as meaning God wants her and
her daughter to go to the desert and wait for Him to take them to
Heaven. After many weeks and some false alarms, Sharon becomes
disillusioned. Partly due to malnutrition and exposure and partly due
to her religious fervor, she decides that God wants her to kill her
daughter so she can be in Heaven with her daddy. Sharon cannot kill
herself because that would be a sin. She is arrested and loses her
faith. The remainder of the film is genuinely eerie and
goosebump-inducing, so I will not spoil it for you. This sleeper of
1991 is sure to become a classic in the years to come. Sprinkled
throughout with weird visuals (i.e. religious symbolism tatooed on a
naked lady), nudity and shocking bits of violence. It's like tripping
on acid without the after effects. Everyone is to be congratulated in
front and behind the camera. Highly recommended! Director Michael
Tolkin (THE
NEW AGE
- 1994) could never top this one in a million years. A New Line Home
Video Release. Rated
R.
REBORN
(1984) - This
would make a great double feature with THE
RAPTURE
(1991). This one is an ultra-weird
indictment against televised evangalism. Dennis Hopper is Reverend
Tom Harley, who performs bogus faith healings coast-to-coast via
satellite. The Reverend's associates catch wind of a true faith
healer in Italy and send Michael Moriarty to bring her back to the
States so she can tour with the Reverend's group. Mary (Antonella
Murgia), the faith healer, is a virgin and falls in love with
Moriarty. In one of the strangest scenes in film history, Moriarty's
dick gets stuck inside Mary's vagina when she passes out while making
love for the first time (every man's nightmare!). Mary is soon
separated from Moriarty by the Reverend, as she is taught English,
shaved under the armpits and generally Americanized. The Reverend has
made her a viable commercial property. Mary slips deeper and deeper
into depression and Moriarty begins to hear voices emanating from his
boom box and television. Moriarty finds out Mary is pregnant and
steals her away from the Reverend. Mary delivers her baby (a boy) at
a gas station with the help of three old attendants. (Get it?) After
seeing one of Mary's true healings, the Reverend becomes a true
believer and is born again. And did I mention that God pilots a
helicopter? This little-seen film is a must for fans of the bizarre.
It boasts a fairly restrained performance by Hopper, Moriarty's usual
quirky acting (an asset for most films he appears in), along with
nudity and some strange religious imagery. No blood is on hand
because the story line is devoid of violence. Director Bigas (I bet
he was teased a lot in school) Luna also made the equally weird and
enjoyable ANGUISH
(1986). Co-star Francisco Rabal can also be seen in CITY
OF THE WALKING DEAD (1980),
William Friedkin's SORCERER
(1977) and his final film, Stuart Gordon's DAGON
(2001). REBORN
is immensely entertaining. An Ace Video Release. Rated
R.
THE
RED HEADED CORPSE (1972) -
Seldom seen Italian/Turkey hybrid that is 50% giallo, 50%
psychological thriller and 100% weird. A cast of seasoned pros helps
this film achieve its goals and a little-known director (working from
his own script) lifts this a step above most Italian films in this
genre, even though you can probably guess the ending. It's the trip
to that ending which makes this film enjoyable.
John Ward (Farley Granger; AMUCK
- 1971) is a starving artist in Turkey who
barely makes a living with his paintings, selling them to an art
gallery owner for outrageously low sums (Once you see his paintings,
you'll know why. I'm surprised he is not out on the streets selling
pencils!). Once inside his studio, John notices a man on a motorcycle
staring at him intently through his window. When John goes to
confront the man, he takes off. That night, someone wearing black
gloves and carrying a flashlight sneaks into John's studio while he
is sleeping on a chair. It is obvious this person is looking for
something, finding a black and white photo of John with a woman. The
person is almost discovered by a waking John, but the person escapes
with the photo, John none the wiser. A short time later, a man with a
Turkish accent walks into a bar and asks a hooker (Aydin Terzel) if
she knows this woman, showing her the photo of John with the woman.
The hooker says, "Oh, sure, the redhead! She's the boss'
girlfriend!" The hooker then looks worried, as if she has said
too much, and she excuses herself to go to the bathroom.
The next morning, John runs outside when he hears the mototcycle,
discovering a group of hippies having a love-in on the property next
to his studio. One hippie approaches him and offers to turn him on.
John says no and the hippie says to him, "Why? Do you like the
world as it is?" John just replies, "I don't give a
damn!" and the hippie says, "Yeah, your right, it's
shit" and then leaves to join his group. John notices one hippie
with a chick who listens to his every word and they leave, their
love-in over. The hippy walks up to John once again, this time with a
female mannequin (it's a strange-looking mannequin, with loose limbs,
almost like a huge doll), giving it to John after noticing him
looking at the hippie chick, saying, "You want a girl like that,
too, huh? Well, here's one to make your very own. She's better than
the real thing. She'll never talk back and she'll always be waiting.
Just take care of her and you can have her...with my blessings."
From that moment on, John's life will never be the same. John takes
the mannequin to his studio and tells her that he doesn't like the
look of her face (it is blank), so he "fixes her up" with
his paints, making her look like his ideal woman and tells her his
innermost feelings. It's obvious John is a sandwich short of a
picnic, but he seems really happy now.
John goes to a bar and turns down hooker Mala's (Ivana Novak; SEVEN
BLOOD-STAINED ORCHIDS - 1972) offer of sex. He leaves the
bar and Mala follows him (with his blessing), telling John she has no
place to stay. Mala finds a room in a seedy hotel and invites John to
come inside, which he does. She wants to make love to John (But first
she says, "Don't look at me. I'm ashamed of myself!") and
discovers he is an artist, offering to be the model for one of his
paintings, but John has someone better in mind: his mannequin. He
goes to his studio and says to the mannequin, "I'll make you
lovely, a dream. You'll be lovely, pure and...faithful. Everything a
woman should be!" John begins to treat the mannequin like a real
woman and when he scrapes a piece of debri off her back with a knife,
the mannequin bleeds, revealing herself to John as a real woman
(Krista Nell; THE SLASHER...IS
THE SEX MANIAC! - 1972 [also with Granger]; listed here in
the credits as "The Subservient Doll"). He covers her naked
body with his red sweater and begins painting again, only this time
his paintings fetch much more money than they did before. His new
muse is unable to speak, but she does everything John wants in a
woman, making him very happy. That happiness won't last very long,
however, as John gives her some womens clothing he has in his studio
and when she puts them on, John has some very bad memories, ordering
his muse to take the clothes off, making us wonder about the clothes'
original owner.
John gets drunk and passes out, waking up with a different,
red-headed woman beneath him (Erika Blanc; THE
DEVIL'S NIGHTMARE - 1971; listed in the credits here as "The
Sensuous Doll" [an alternate title to this film]). Then his
paintings again don't sell too well, the art gallery owner telling
John that the gallery needs something more "commercial",
such as beautiful women in pornographic poses. John doesn't want to
paint pornography, but when he goes back to his studio, the Sensuous
Doll eggs-on John to paint a pornographic picture of herself, which
sells very well (maybe too well) and John becomes a best-selling
painter of porn. John is not a happy man because the Sensuous Doll
verbally abuses him every chance she gets and is having an affair
with his neighbor, Omar Bay (Venantino Venantini; CITY
OF THE LIVING DEAD - 1980). A wealthy Turkish buyer of
John's porno paintings (Erol Keskin) offers him an outrageous amount
of money for another nude painting, which John needs because the
Sensuous Doll spends his money as fast as he can make it, on
expensive clothing, jewelry and other high-priced trinkets, something
John hates in a woman. At this point in the film, we have to
ask ourselves if the Sensuous Doll is real or just something in
John's twisted mind? Is she having an affair with his neighbor (and
later, his wealthy buyer) or is all this happening for another reason?
The Sensuous Doll is the complete opposite of what John expects from
a woman, but why did she pick this time to come into John's life?
Maybe if we find out who originally wore those womens clothing in his
studio, we could get a better clue on why John is so suspicious of
this new red-headed woman in his life. The Sensuous Doll hardly ever
leaves her studio (when she does, she tempts a teenage boy by asking
him to put sunscreen lotion on her back, describing to him in detail
how he should do it, which would turn-on a deaf man!) and every time
John comes home, she asks him what he bought her. If he comes home
empty-handed, she throws a hissy fit and won't talk to him, which
even makes him more suspicious, especially when he finds Omar's cigar
butts in his ashtray. She knows how to push John's buttons,
which makes us wonder if the Sensuous Doll is nothing but a a strange
amalgam of memories in John's mind of the mystery woman he never
talks about. But what happened to her? Is it possible that the
Sensuous Doll is possessed by the spirit of that woman or is there a
more down-to-earth explanation? Either way, John will soon pay for
his past.
This is the last film of director/screenwriter Renzo Russo's career.
Very little is known about Russo (including when he died), but he
made a few "mondo" films in the early-'60s, including VENEZUELA
BY NIGHT (1961) and HOT
WORLD AT NIGHT (1962), unknown on these shores because the
most successful mondo film of all time, MONDO
CANE (1962; directed by Paolo Cavara [PLOT
OF FEAR - 1976], Franco Prosperi [WILD
BEASTS - 1984] & Gualtiero Jacopetti [FAREWELL
UNCLE TOM - 1971]), wasn't released in the United States
until 1963. While this film is nothing spectacular, it does have some
positive points, including Farley Granger's laid-back performance as
a psycho about to lose control and discovering the clues that tell us
who the red-headed woman in the photo actually is. Erika Blanc is
also good as a woman without a moral bone
in her body. Her debasement of John is this film's glue, as we can't
wait for the time John loses control, showing us exactly what he did
to the red-haired woman in the photo. We see John hugging the
Sensuous Doll while stabbing her over-and-over, killing her and then
burying her in his backyard. Is it possible that the red-haired woman
is buried there, too, or is what we are watching nothing more than an
"instant replay" in John's mind? Bet on the latter, as
everything John did is explained in detail in the film's finale (much
in the same way as the finale of Hitchcock's PSYCHO
- 1960), where even the men in this film are actually other people
(the neighbor is the red-headed woman's fiance, the wealthy Turkish
buyer is a police detective investigating her disappearance and the
art gallery owner is the detective's assistant). Everything is
resolved in a nice and tidy manner. This film also has some nice
Turkish scenery, showing us a location vastly underused in filmmaking
history (in the final credits, there is a "Special Thanks"
to Ministry of Tourism and Information of Turkey).
Filmed as LA
ROSSA DALLA PELLE CHE SCOTTA ("The Redhead With Hot
Skin"), this film gained a U.S. theatrical release under the
previously mentioned title THE
SENSUOUS DOLL (from Beacon Releasing) and the only legal VHS
release it had was from label Private Screenings (A Media
Home Entertainment sublabel), in a slightly cut version under
the title SWEET SPIRITS.
All other VHS releases were by gray market sellers, such as Trash
Palace, European Trash Cinema Video and the likes. This received an
uncut widescreen DVD from Retromedia
Entertainment (under the review title), using a beat-up
English-dubbed French Canadian print, with plenty of emulsion
scratches (especially in the opening minutes), but it is serviceable.
What isn't serviceable are the loud bird chirps Retromedia inserted
into the first ten minutes of the film, so they could claim exclusive
rights to their "version" of this film. This way, no other
company could legally copy it (Fred Olen Ray, the founder of
Retromedia, was, and still is, a litigious person. I was once a
victim of his litigiousness due to a bad review I gave of one of his
releases! He lost.). Retromedia did this on many of their DVD
releases, especially their Public Domain (PD) titles, of which this
film seems to be one. My review is based on the print used on
Retromedia's free streaming site, which is the same print they used
for their DVD. At least I didn't have to pay for it, but I had to
suffer through commercials inserted every ten minutes or so, a common
practice on free streaming sites (proving nothing is really free,
including your time). Also starring Umberto Di Grazia (A
QUIET PLACE IN THE COUNTRY - 1968), Giorgio Dolfin (DEATH
SMILES ON A MURDERER - 1973),Filippo Perrone (STAR
ODYSSEY - 1978) and Fatma Karanfil. Rated R.
REDNECK
(1973) - What a ridiculously entertaining film. Two thieves,
Mosquito (Franco Nero) and Memphis (Telly Savalas, sporting the
phoniest Southern drawl I've heard in quite a while), rob a jewelry
store in Rome and kill the owner. In their haste to escape, their
getaway driver, Maria (Ely Galleani), wrecks the car (she drives
straight into a funeral procession, dislodging the coffin from the
back of a hearse and dragging
it across the pavement!), forcing them to steal another car. They
don't realize that thirteen year-old Lennox Duncan (Mark Lester) is
in the back seat until they stop for gas. Lennox tries to escape by
running through a field of sheep, but the trio recapture him and
Memphis murders a little boy shephard just so there will be no
witnesses (a truly shocking scene). When Mosquito's connection
doesn't show up at the prearranged location (an auto junkyard) to
fence the stolen jewels for cash, the trio (plus boy) must find a way
to get safely to France, using little Lennox as a
"passport". When they are forced to stop at a roadblock and
the dope-smoking Memphis notices how the police are helpless as long
as they have Lennox captive, Memphis sees this as his ticket to easy
street. They steal a Rolls Royce from two old ladies on the side of
the road and Memphis picks up two street hookers for some personal
enjoyment. When he goes to pay them with some of the stolen jewels,
Memphis discovers that all he and Mosquito stole from the jewelry
store was nothing but worthless cutlery. Everything changes after
that. The trio turns on each other and Lennox uses that knowledge to
his advantage. Maria wants to leave on her own, but Memphis rapes,
then kills her. He then puts her body in the Rolls and pushes it over
a cliff. Lennox, meanwhile, has aligned himself with Mosquito, as
they search for a now-missing Memphis and the now-dead Maria
(Mosquito lets Lennox take sips from his J&B
Scotch bottle to keep warm and he gets drunk!). They come upon a
mansion of an aging Princess (Maria Michi), who feeds and gives them
shelter. Mosquito and Lennox slowly become friends (Mosquito
even shaves in the nude in front of him!), but one gets the feeling
that Lennox is wise beyond his years. A psychotic Memphis shows up at
the mansion and soon it's a battle of wills. Lennox begins playing
Memphis and Mosquito against each other as they try to stay one step
ahead of the police while trying to make it across the border. Of
course, things turn out badly for everyone involved, but only one
will make it out alive as a totally changed individual. This
British/Italian co-production is a real hard film to categorize. One
moment it's a heist thriller, then it's a chase drama and then it's a
slapstick comedy, but all the while it has a real nasty edge to it,
thanks to the over-the-top
performance by Telly Savalas as Memphis. Maybe
"over-the-top" is being too mild, as Savalas plays his
character as a no-remorse, soulless psychopath, who sings "Jesus
Loves The Little Children" while blowing away kids, women and
even a dog (!) and then screaming incoherently, "I didn't want
to do it! They made me do it!" While Savalas' laughable Southern
accent comes and goes, his savagery never wavers, especially the
scene where he locks a family in a mobile home and dumps them in a
lake, blaming his act on Lennox for trying to tell them who he is
(Memphis' balls get caught on the trailer hitch when he pushes the
trailer and he spends the rest of the film with a huge blood stain on
the crotch of his pants!). Surprisingly, the only nudity on display
here is from Franco Nero (THE FIFTH CORD
- 1971; DAY OF THE COBRA
- 1980) and Mark Lester (SUDDEN TERROR
- 1970; WHO SLEW AUNTIE ROO?
- 1971), as director Silvio Narizzano (THE
CLASS OF MISS MACMICHAEL - 1978; BLOODBATH
- 1979) uses Win Wells' script as a showcase for a battle of
personalities. While no one trusts anyone else, they stick together
because they have no one else in their lives to care about them. Even
Lennox's wealthy mother (Beatrice Clary) doesn't know her own son's
age when she reports him missing to the police, so it's no wonder why
Lennox is such a fucked-up, conniving kid. I especially liked the
nihilistic ending that shows people like Memphis aren't born that
way, they're created as a by-product of their environment. Memphis is
really the only person in this film who truly understands Lennox and
his motivations (and, therefore, doesn't trust him), so it comes as
no surprise who Lennox morphs into in the final shot. REDNECK
is a strange hybrid of a film that works, thanks to (and, sometimes,
in spite of) Telly Savalas' grandstanding performance. Strictly 70's
in terms of actions and consequences, morality and greed. Catch it if
you can. Also starring Duilio Del Prete, Aldo De Carellis and Tom
Duggan. This use to play on TV (in edited form, naturally) during the
70's and early 80's and I don't believe this ever got a legitimate
U.S. home video release. Available on British DVD from WHE Europe
Limited. Not Rated.
RED
VELVET (2009) - Even though this
film was made in 2009 (under the shooting title "The Birthday Party"),
it got very spotty distribution besides a few film festivals, even
though those who have seen it have given it great reviews. Hell, you
still can only buy it on a Made-on-Demand DVD-R (No big deal for me,
but I know it's a turn-off by "purists", even though the
anamorphic widescreen print looks amazing. Try Amazon
to get a MOD copy. They are the exclusive distributors.). I think
it's a wonderful film to add to your library, no matter which format
it is released on. The film begins with Aaron (Henry Thomas; E.T.
THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL - 1982; DEAD
BIRDS - 2004) trying to do some work in his apartment, but
every night he has to put up with the screaming arguments and
throwing objects tantrums of his next-door neighbors, Linda (Kelli
Garner; HORNS - 2013) and Kyle
(Jordan Hagan). The walls are thin, so Aaron can hear everything and
it's impossible for him to get things done. Aaron meets Linda at the
local laundromat, where their
conversation about what he hears through his walls gets contentious
at times (Aaron tells her, "PlayStations don't cry,
Linda!"). They both seem to get a thrill putting each other down
(Aaron is sporting a black eye, but he refuses to tell Linda how he
got it.). They decide to have lunch together at the local Thai
restaurant, where they continue their adversarial conversation, until
Aaron tells her that he is a storyteller. As we watch the Thai cook
squish a cockroach on the cooking grill as she flicks it away with
her cooking utensils (which is why I don't eat Thai food!), Aaron
tells Linda a story. It is about a family of four, the father (S.A.
Griffin; NEAR DARK - 1987),
daughter (Carli Westerman; KING
OF THE ANTS - 2003) and son (Austin Whitlock) sitting around
a dinner table, while they hear their crazy wife/mother (Carol Ann
Susi; best known for her portrayal of the voice of recurring unseen
character Mrs. Wolowitz on the television series THE
BIG BANG THEORY; she passed away on November 11, 2014), who
Dad says is off her meds, complaining about how her family doesn't
appreciate her. She comes out of the kitchen with a spaghetti dinner
and serves it to them with her hands, still complaining that her
family takes advantage of her (she's quite scary, actually). She
threatens her son with bodily harm, but Dad warns her not to touch
him. She stares at her son and says, "They won't be around
forever. Just you wait. Just you wait!" That night, Dad, aided
by his son and daughter, suffocate her with a pillow while she is
sleeping in bed and then just stand there, looking at the twisted
face on her corpse. Linda is not impressed with Aaron's story because
it is not "horrific" enough, so he tells her another story
about a ninja that cuts off the female Thai's cook's head and cooks
it, the severed head saying while it is cooking in the wok, "It
needs a little more fish salt!" (There's an ingenious little
moment where, when the cook's head is cut off, the blood splatters on
a photo of a Thai pop star. We see the photo come to life as he looks
at all the blood on his clothes! This film is full of those little
moments.). When the ninja takes off the face covering, it turns out
to be Linda, but even that story doesn't cheer her up because she
wants to go to a party in a secluded cabin in the woods with her
friends to celebrate a birthday, but Kyle won't let her borrow the
car to drive there. Aaron says he will make a "custom"
story for Linda about the party she is going to miss, but he needs
some background information first, including where the secluded cabin
is located, the names of her friends who will be there (including
birthday boy Frank [Bret Roberts; THE
VIOLENT KIND - 2010] and Linda's sister Pat [Cristen Coppen; STAUNTON
HILL - 2009]). With that information, Aaron begins to tell
her his story, but the story keeps on changing due to Linda's
constant interruptions of descriptions of her friends' looks and what
type of cars they drive. Aaron continues telling his story, where
Frank enters the cabin with Pat and everyone begins to party, but he
is interrupted again, this time by the female Thai waitress, who says
that she has seen Linda before. Aaron gets back to his story, but now
Frank and the gang are heading to the local lake to do some swimming
and rafting. Frank stops the story and says a story like this needs a
maniac to crash the party, so he asks Linda to help him create the
perfect maniac for the story. They come up with some weird ideas,
like a maniac totally in blackface and another maniac with a toaster
on his head (we see these maniacs on-screen and they are quite
funny). They almost come up with a perfect maniac with a guy with a
stocking over his head wrapped with barb wire, but they finally
settle on a maniac wearing a black a ski mask with bunny ears, a
Polaroid camera attached to the top of his head (so he can take
photos of his dead victims), dressed in a one-piece white uniform
(the kind that has a long zipper in the front) with a pink tool belt
(that last one was Linda's idea). While Frank and his friends are
having fun at the lake, Jon (Kevin Wheatley; RISE:
BLOOD HUNTER - 2006) returns to the cabin to pick up a CD
player so they can listen to some tunes. The maniac wraps a thick
wire around Jon's neck and strangles him until the CD player is
pressed up against his ear. Linda is not too pleased that her friends
are getting killed in the story, but Aaron convinces her that it will
improve his story and Linda says, "Death is too good for
them!", so Aaron continues his story. But before he can tell any
more, the waitress brings the check and Linda heads back to the
laundromat to fold her laundry (Aaron yells out, "Kyle's a
hobby. I'm for real!"). Aaron meets Linda back at the laundromat
(where she teaches him how to properly fold clothes) and he tells
Linda that if she really wants to be at the party, she would find a
way to get there. Aaron tells Linda that he has a vision of Kyle,
where he almost chokes to death on popcorn while watching sports on
TV, almost gets stabbed by a butcher knife when he falls to the floor
and the knife drops off the counter and then electrocutes himself by
sticking a fork in a toaster. Linda laughs at Kyle's death in the
story, but says he hasn't suffered enough, so Aaron embellishes on
the story where Kyle falls down and a 5 gallon water bottle full of
loose change gets lodged in his mouth, him swallowing all the coins
(Believe me when I say that everything I have so far described will
make sense. Just be patient.). Linda makes Aaron finish the story
about the maniac loose at the party, where we see nerd Roy (Eric
Jungmann; Director Robert Englund's KILLER
PAD - 2008) spying on a totally nude Frank and equally nude
Jenny (Michele Nordin; ANCIENT
EVIL: SCREAM OF THE MUMMY - 1999) having sex in the woods.
The maniac stabs Roy over and over on his back, while Frank heads
back to the lake. Jenny, who knew Roy was watching them, stays behind
to give Roy a treat, but when she discovers his bloody body wedged
between a fork in a tree, the maniac beheads her with an axe and her
head goes flying through the air. Linda thinks it's a cliché
that people in horror films and stories always get killed for having
sex (it is) and she tells Aaron that Frank is actually gay, so he has
to make a change to his story. This time, Roy and Jenny are stuck in
a hole in the ground when someone throws them a rope. The only
problem is that the other end the rope is tied around the neck of an
alligator and, as they try to climb the rope, the alligator inches
closer and closer to the hole, finally falling in and killing Roy and
Jenny. The rest of the friends are back at the cabin when Franks
decides to go looking for Jon (not knowing that he is already dead)
and runs into Ken (Ryan Doom; CIRCLE
- 2010), who is also gay. Frank ties himself up to a hook in the shed
so he and Ken can participate in some S&M action. They engage in
some kissing and foreplay (i.e. oral sex) when the maniac shows up
and plays "Happy Birthday" on a huge tree saw (the kind it
takes two people to use). The maniac then plants the saw in the top
of Ken's head and cuts him vertically in half (the film's most
graphic death). The blood sprays all over a tied-up Frank's body, but
the maniac just takes a Polaroid of Ken's cleaved-in-two corpse and
leaves Frank hanging. The last two people in the cabin, Pat and Amy
(Natalia Baron) are dancing when Linda cuts off the story, carrying
her folded laundry to to her apartment building, where she and Aaron
share an elevator to their apartments. Kyle has left their apartment
a mess and is not there, so Linda goes to Aaron's apartment to
complain that even though Kyle won't let her go to the party, he has
bailed on her for the night. Aaron says the best revenge is that he
drives her to the party to piss-off Kyle. Linda races back to her
apartment to get all dolled-up (something tells me it's more for
Aaron than for her friends) and Aaron then begins to drive to the
cabin, where the two discuss the real meaning of "rub it in"
and that when a vegetarian takes a shit, it's smellier than one who
eats meat (that, too, is true). On the drive, Aaron finishes the
party story, where Amy is freaking out about their missing friends
(she says that maybe they all fell down a well and alligators ate
them!). Pat and Amy leave the cabin to go look for their friends and
end up on a fog-filled dock, where they hear someone whistling a
catcall. Thinking it is their friends playing a prank on them, they
soon realize their mistake, as they run into the maniac and their
friends' dead bodies. They try to escape in a tinkered-with car,
while the maniac takes a Polaroid of them (every time the maniac
takes a photo, the background twirls around like a panel in a comic
book). They leave the car, but the maniac bashes in Amy's head to a
bloody pulp with two hammers, one in each hand (it's another really
gory scene). Linda once again interrupts and warns Aaron that he
better not kill off his sister in the story, so we see Pat slug the
maniac and tackle him into the lake and pulls off his ski mask. The
maniac is Aaron and he drowns because of the weight of the pink
toolbelt. When Aaron and Linda actually make it to the cabin, they
notice that it is very quiet and then hear a woman scream in the
cabin. Aaron goes to investigate, but when he doesn't come back,
Linda goes into the cabin and discovers that the maniac holding a
knife to Aaron's throat, so she kills the maniac with a claw hammer,
only to find out it is her sister Pat. It seems Aaron was already at
the cabin (remember, the walls that separates his and Linda's
apartment are thin) and killed everyone there except Pat, who he left
tied-up as a patsy (Remember Aaron's black eye? Pat gave it to him
when she punched him into the lake.), but Kyle is now there as a
surprise for Linda and beats up Aaron to a bloody pulp. But when Kyle
and Linda go to leave the cabin, they open the door to find the
ground covered in loose change and coins come pouring out of Kyle's
mouth (think back), killing him. The film ends with Aaron burying all
the bodies (including Linda alive) and returning to his apartment,
where he thinks he will finally have peace and quiet at last. But one
final surprise is in store as we discover that Aaron was the son that
helped his family suffocate his mother and her ghost appears in his
apartment to torment him forever. This filmed-in-Los Angeles
horror film has the same kind of structure as the cult hit TRICK
'R TREAT (2007), where we think every story is not related,
but, in the end, we discover that they are all interconnected. This
is the first fictional feature film by director Bruce Dickson, who
also photographed and co-produced the horror film STITCH
in 2014 and, for a first feature, it is damn good. The idea of making
up stories on the fly is as old as storytelling itself, but this film
infuses new blood into the concept, as they are not made-up stories
at all, but actually the truth and Dickson fills the story with great
dialogue between Aaron and Linda (supplied by screenwriters Anthony
Burns and Joe Moe [who is also a producer]), some very graphic
bloodshed and copious nudity. Henry Thomas is superb here, as we get
the feeling that there is something seriously wrong with him, but we
just can't put our finger on it. I generally don't like anthologies,
but this really isn't one, as the stories change on a whim and end
with quite a surprise (the only thing I'm not sure of is how the
beheading of the Thai cook connects with anything, but I'm going to
watch it again because there is a lot going on in this film that I
may have missed). This is also final cameo appearance of Forrest J.
Ackerman, but you'll have to be quick in spotting him early in the
film (He gets a "Thanks" in the final credits, too).
Recommended to people who like their films on the weird and slightly
perverted side. Also starring Dina Lynne Morishita as the Thai
waitress/cook and Steven Skyler as the Thai Pop Idol who gets blood
spilled on his photograph. Also featuring Earl Roesel, Lateef Crowder
and Lewis Tan as the various incarnations of the maniacs we are shown
on screen. The DVD-R also contains a lot of extras and is well worth
owning for $14.99. Most people think this is a 2008 production, but
it has a 2009 copyright date at the end credits. A 3 Mac Studios
DVD-R Release. Not Rated and for good reason.
RETRIBUTION
(1987) - This was one of the most unfairly overlooked
supernatural possession films of the 1980's. It could be because it
has an unusual protagonist (Dennis Lipscomb; EYES
OF FIRE - 1983; THE
FIRST POWER - 1990; he passed away in 2014), who may have
seemed an odd choice, but was anything but. He, along with
director/co-screenwriter Guy Magar (STEPFATHER
III - 1992; CHILDREN
OF THE CORN: REVELATION - 2001 and plenty of TV, including
episodes of THE A-TEAM;
WEREWOLF; NOWHERE
MAN and way too many others to mention) turned-in one of the
best possession films of the 80's. This had to be edited to receive
an R-Rating, but the edits (which amount to less than 10 seconds of
footage and are found on Code Red's DVD & Blu-Ray as an extra)
could have easily been re-inserted because they are quite graphic and
increase the 'ewww!' factor. This is a great possession film with an
unusual premise. Failed artist and nebbish-looking George Miller
(Dennis Lipscomb) decides to end his life by jumping off the roof of
his apartment building (on Halloween, no less), while all the people
in the apartment complex (who really seem to care about him. even if
they are dressed in groteaque costumes) look on at the street below.
At the exact same time George jumps, small-time mobster Vito Minelli
Sr. (Mike Muscat) is shot and set on fire, saying "Santa Maria,
Mother of God, help me!" (We do not see who his murderers are).
Miraculously, George survives the fall with nothing but a leg injury
but, somehow, his soul intertwines with Vito's and George becomes
possessed at various times in the film by Vito to get even with those
who killed him. George's psychiatrist, Jennifer Curtis (Leslie
Wing), is pleased with his progress and lets him leave the
psychiatric institute after giving him a
special gift of a cane she spent her own money on. The occupants of
George's apartment complex are happy to see George return and throw
him a welcome home party (they are the nicest neighbors anyone could
hope to have). One of George's best friends is hooker Angel (Suzanne
Snyder; RETURN OF
THE LIVING DEAD II - 1988). At the party, George ends up
having sex with Angel, where she says that she wishes she could be
his girlfriend, but her profession makes that impossible (George has
never judged her by her occupation, proving what a nice guy he really
is.). George's first encounter with Vito's soul is when he paints
with a brush dipped in yellow paint and it comes out blood red on the
canvas (He also begins having nightmares showing the faces of all of
Vito's murderers). He finds himself at a bar having a mixed drink he
has never tried before, and the bar's owner, Sally Benson (Pamela
Dunlop), Vito's mistress and also one of his killers, notices George
drinking Vito's mixed drink, she invites him to come upstairs for a
little something more than a drink. Suddenly, Sally's kitchen, turns
into a supernatural nightmare, with windows exploding, cabinets
opening and everything comes flying out and smashing against
walls. George comes walking into the kitchen with green glowing eyes
and says "Santa Maria, Mother of God, help me!" and Sally
knows instantly who he is. He makes Sally take a butcher knife and
stab herself in the stomach, running it across her stomach in a
horizontal position (one of the scenes that was partially cut to
achieve an R-Rating). George tries to explain his nightmares to
Jennifer, but when he reads in the papers about Sally's death, he
knows that it was no nightmare. Jennifer tries to calm George down by
telling him it was nothing but a bad nightmare, but suddenly she gets
a bad nose bleed and has to excuse herself. He hops on a bus
(something he has never done in his life) and notices a building that
seems familiar to him. When the bus driver refuses to stop. George
causes the bus to crash and meets Vito's son, Vito, Jr. (Matthew
Newmark) and his widow, Carla (Clare Peck), but Carla becomes
freaked-out and chases George away (Vito, Jr., on the other hand,
seems to like him). While George is sleepimg with Angel, he finds
himself in a slaughterhouse. where he stuffs Johnny's (Mario
Roccuzzi) body (he was also one of Vito's killers) inside the carcass
of a cow and then has him cut in half with a meat saw (But first
saying to him 'Santa Maria, Mother of God, help me!" to let him
know who he is dealing with; this was another scene trimmed briefly
to get an R-Rating). George goes to Jennifer and confesses to the
murders, where nosy Dr. Alan Falconer (Jeff Pomerantz) hears the
whole confession. Jennifer wants to re-commit him to the institution
on a voluntary basis, but George says that the murders will continue
to happen no matter where he sleeps (Vito's soul leaves George's body
while he is sleeping and can walk through any substance. His soul
also looks like George.). George takes a cab (Guy Magar plays the cab
driver) which takes him to Vito's resting place in a graveyard. Carla
and Vito, Jr. are also there and George tries to explain what is
happening to him and would like to know any reason why Vito was drawn
to him. George discovers that they were born on the same day and year
and he was killed the exact time George tried to commit suicide.
Jennifer begins to believe George's story and brings her findings to
a doctors meeting, where Dr. John Talbot (George Murdock; THE
MACK - 1973) is the head doctor. Dr. Falconer brings in
Police Lt. Ashley (Hoyt Axton; GREMLINS
- 1984) to investigate based on what he overheard George tell
Jennifer, but Jennifer refuses to give Lt. Ashley George's name since
Dr. Falconer didn't know it (Jennifer does dump a drink over
Falconer's head, though). Angel and George smoke a joint and have a
great time together, especially at a neon light art gallery, where
George shows her his favorite piece: a giant stone head he calls
"The Eternal Head". George starts seeing gallons of blood
pouring out of the large statue and he ends up at a church, which
seems to calm him down. Angel sets up George to see Doctor Rasta
(Danny D. Daniels), a Rastafarian doctor that has helped Angel with
her problems, and she brings along George's friend Dylan (Executive
Producer Chris Caputo) with them. George and Doctor Rasta hold hands
and Doctor Rasta begins to bleed through his nose. Doctor Rasta
pleads, "Let go of me, motherfucker!", but George is unable
to and Doctor Rasta dies. George is having himself committed in the
morning and begs Angel and Dylan to tie him up that night (not
knowing that it will do no good). George then finds himself at a
mechanics garage and kills Joe Martinez (Jeffrey Josephson) in the
film's bloody highlight (also one of the most cut sequences to
receive an R-rating). He makes Joe cut off his left hand with and
acetylene torch (really hard to watch, even in the R-Rated cut) and
then George squishes his face into a bloody pulp by using a portable
lift machine with a grate. When Joe's face meets the grate, you will
notice a definite cut, but you can see the whole disgusting scene in
the cut violent scenes. It only lasts a few seconds, but leaves an
impression (Makeup guru Kevin Yagher did most of the excellent
effects). George wakes up and still finds himself tied-up at Angel's
apartment, so he frees himself and goes to his own apartment, which
is being staked out by Lt. Ashley and Lt. Lupo (David Dunard). George
stabs a painting, which begins bleeding profusely and Jennifer sees
the murder at the garage on the TV news and calls George, who now
sounds like Vito. George wants to end his life, but his typewrites
self-types, "Not yet you fucking asshole. One more!", as
all Hell breaks loose in the room (the same as Sally's kitchen).
George's body travels to Vito's murder site and we see all the people
take one shot at Vito, using the same gun, not killing him, but
leaving him in a lot of pain. His body is then soaked in gasoline and
set on fire, which actually killed him. There is only one person
still alive from the murder scene: Amos (Ralph Manza). The spirit of
Vito leaves George's body and begins killing Jennifer by lifting her
off the ground and psychically choking her. George yells out "No
more!", grabs Vito's spirit and jumps out the window, finally
committing the suicide he started weeks before. All the occupants
come out of the building to pay their final respects, but Angel has a
surprise in store for all of them. In the immortal words of Vito:
"Santa Maria, Mother of God, help me! One more!" This
is basically a remake of the 1976 blaxploitation film J.D.'S
REVENGE starring Glynn Thurman, but it veers off into a
different path after a few minutes, retaining the same theme, but
having a totally different backstory and ending. Besides, RETRIBUTION
is much bloodier, but it is not a gorefest. True, there are some
extremely gory scenes here and there, but this is Dennis
Lipscomb's show from beginning to end and he is truly amazing here.
You'll laugh your ass off when he's high on pot and he'll scare the
shit out of you when he is possessed. His range in this film is
expansive and proves that he was a terrific underrated actor who was
just coming into his own before he got very ill in 2002 and never
recovered, passing away in 2014. I still fondly remember him as the
dog psychiatrist in the Begging Strip TV Commercials. This was
co-screenwriter Lee Wasserman's only theatrical screenplay and he was
also an Associate Producer here. The DVD
& Blu-Ray put out by
Code Red are nearly flawless and the fanciful sophisticated color
scheme of the film is represented beautifully on your TV screen. I
just wonder why the Blu-Ray doesn't contain the theatrical trailer
and the DVD does. Still, both versions do let you view the cut scenes
but, really now, how much trouble would they have been to reinsert
them into the film? As far as I could tell, the cut scenes were
already musically scored, so it couldn't have been that much trouble
except that the cut scenes are in fullscreen and the film is in
anamorphic widescreen. I would have accepted the cut scenes being in
fullscreen. But, that's just a small complaint in an otherwise superb
film. If you don't have this film in your library, you should. Also
starring Susan Peretz (a superb character actress who is the
apartment complex's owner), Brian Christian (also an Executive
Producer; he plays the bus driver), the diminutive Tony Cox as an
apartment resident, Muriel Minot, Harry Caesar, Pearl Adell, and Ed
Berke. A Code Red DVD &
Blu-Ray Release. Rated R.
RUNAWAY
NIGHTMARE (1982) - I doubt
that you'll find a stranger film like this one in a long while. Two
worm and snail farmers (Director Michael Cartel and Al Valletta)
witness a live burial in the Death Valley, California desert.
They dig up the body and find a breathing nude girl in the coffin.
They take her back to their farm and they themselves are kidnapped by
a group of all-female cult members. After numerous
lame jokes and a gunfight gone terribly wrong, the two men are voted
into the group, entitling them to share in all their communal
property. It seems the girls were dealing with the Mafia and were
cheated out of a load of platinum (!?). The girls make the men do
menial chores like chopping wood into splinters and moving boxes from
one place to the next for no apparent reason. You'll be shaking your
head in disbelief as you witness one inane scene after another,
strung together for no other purpose than to make the film a decent
running time. One of the guys gets a hot foot (!) while another scene
shows a girl destroying a TV with an axe after being rebuffed for sex
by one of the guys. The men have sex with the girls except for one
who is a lesbian ("I hate MEN!"). The men help the girls
get back their platinum from the Mafia. I haven't even
scratched the surface of this weird film. There are bar fights, gun
fights, girl fights, a warehouse explosion, strip chess, pinball
playing and vampirism! Absolutely no one in this film can act a lick.
One wonders where director Michael Cartel's (who also acted in the
1974 sexploitationer PETS)
head was at when he made this atrocity (Thank God, his only one).
Was it up his ass or was he just high on peyote? In either case, you
will be glued to the screen just to view and believe the awfulness of
it. You won't be able to take your eyes off of it because of the
sheer badness in every aspect of filmmaking it shows. It's the REEFER
MADNESS of the 80's. Also starring Cindy Dolan, Jody Lee
Olhava, Cheryl Gamson, Georgia Durante and Sijtske Vandenberg. An All
Seasons Entertainment Home Video Release. Not
Rated
because it contains a lot of nudity (which seems inserted after the
movie was finished because it looks like it was shot on videotape)
but, oddly, contains very little blood or gore. This is one weird
film that will have your head shaking in disbelief so much, that
you're likely to get whiplash! Now available on DVD
& Blu-Ray from Vinegar
Syndrome with the nude video inserts removed and included as
extras (seems like the All Seasons Entertainment VHS was unauthorized).
THE
SEVENTH CURSE (1986) - This
Raymond Chow Production for his Golden Harvest Films is a great
mixture of action, adventure and horror elements, all done in the
usual wild Hong Kong style, thanks to director Nam Nai Choi (a.k.a.
"Simon Nam"; HER VENGEANCE
- 1988; RIKI-OH: THE
STORY OF RICKY - 1991), producer Wong Jing (HARD
BOILED 2: THE LAST BLOOD - 1991; who plays a girl-happy
wannabe playboy at a poolside party) and screenwriter I Kuang (HUMAN
LANTERNS - 1982). The film opens at a cocktail party, where
Mr. Yi (screenwriter I Kuang, also the film's narrator) tells a group
of people about the latest adventure of Dr. Yuan Cheng-ha (Chin Siu-Hou;
FIST OF LEGEND - 1994),
a famous explorer and archaeologist (Dr. Yuan Cheng-ha is actually at
the cocktail party, but he is too modest to tell the story. Or maybe
he might like the way Mr. Yi embellishes it.). The story opens with a
group of terrorists taking over a hospital and asking for a doctor to
attend to one of their hostages, who has had a heart attack. Enter
Dr. Yuan, who agrees to help the hostage with female police Inspector
Chiang (Kara Hui), who is pretending to be his nurse (They plan on
planting a flash grenade in the hospital to confuse the terrorists
long enough for the police to rush in and save the hostages). Idiotic
news reporter Tsai Hung (Maggie Cheung; THE
HEROIC TRIO - 1993) knocks-out Inspector Chiang (with a
brick to the back of her head!) and takes her place, following Dr.
Yuan into the hospital
to get the story of a lifetime (other reporters on the scene
mockingly call her "Wonder Woman"). Once in the hospital,
Dr. Yuan begins administering to the heart attack victim, but Tsai
Hung draws unwanted attention to herself when she shows she doesn't
even know the basics of first aid. Dr. Yuan bravely saves the day by
setting off the flash grenade (just after one SWAT team member is
graphically shot in the head) and kicking the shit out of the head
terrorist, while the cops kill all the other terrorists. Amazingly,
Dr. Yuan lets Tsai Hung off the hook and congratulates the now-conscious
Inspector Chiang on a job well done in front of her boss, Captain Ho
(all Inspector Chiang can do is scratch her head in befuddlement).
Dr, Yuan is constantly hounded by Tsai Hung, who wants to do a story
on his life, but Dr. Yuan doesn't care for her (besides, he has a
beautiful white girlfriend, played by Joyce Godenzi, who is now Samo
Hung's wife). At his palatial home, Dr. Yuan is attacked by Heh Lung
(Dick Wei; WITCH FROM NEPAL
- 1985) and a glass-shattering fight ensues. When the fight is over,
Heh Lung informs Dr. Yuan that a blood spell was performed on him
nearly a year ago and he needs to travel to Thailand to have it
removed before he dies. Dr. Yuan doesn't believe it, but he changes
his tune rather quickly when all the